#carp man
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devil-takethe-hindmost · 1 year ago
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my work for this year’s exr big bang! phantom and les mis are both really special shows for me and the lovely kujaku was totally down for a fusion! read their amazing fic here!
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my phantom enjolras is very much inspired by the three phantoms who I look up to the most - ted keegan, jeremy stolle, and earl carpenter!
@takemyhandexr
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ross-hollander · 1 year ago
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Something about Pratchett villains.
There's a lot of Pratchett villains who share one common thread: they're unromantic. They rip the charm and soul out of things.
Reach's service sends messages 'as warm and human as a thrown knife'. He himself 'kills people by numbers'.
Teatime is literally trying to kill Santa.
The Magpyrs turn the Gothic-vampire-novel style of the Old Count into industrial blood-harvesting.
Similarly, Wolfgang exchanges the traditional Game for just straight up killing people, and seeks to implement a werefascist regime to boot.
The Auditors are, by definition, made of unromantic. They are objectively unromantic.
And I think the idea of ripping apart the whimsy of things ties back to the idea of believing the little lies to believe the big ones. If you can't see charm and warmth, the dreams and imagination, you'll fall into what STP says is the biggest sin of all: treating people like objects.
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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 3 months ago
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In Aeternum
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Warnings: non/dubcon and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.
My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.
Character: Lloyd Hansen
Summary: your life with Lloyd is a lot of work. Or rather, he is.
This is one of my birthday drabbles. Thanks again for your input :) Enjoy.
As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️
A birthday drabble for Carpe Noctem 
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You stare at the small screen of the smart device. The smell of cinnamon fills the kitchen as you stand in wait of the baking desserts. You lean in to get a better view of the news segment. Your ears tweak at the reporter’s words. 
‘The sole survivor remains in the ICU with severe burns but healthcare personnel see a full recovery. As for those who passed, the survivor’s parents, they have been interred in the local cemetery and the service brought out hundred.’ 
They show images of the funeral; flowers, solemn faces, the front of a church.  
“Why are you watching that shit?” Lloyd, as always, knows when to barge in. 
“Alexa, stop playing,” you command the device and the screen returns to rest, showing the time and weather. “Just the news.” 
“I told you not to worry about that idiot.” He grunts as you face him. He tries to cross his arms then puts them straight, shaking out his left. He’s slick with sweat and his workout gear clings to his muscles. “I fucked up. Thought I killed him but the damn cockroach managed to drag himself out. What a pussy. Can’t even save his own parents.” 
“Lloyd. You--” 
“Yeah, yeah. Oh, mimi, your soft heart.” He leers at you and winks. “Softer body.” He sticks his tongue out and wince. He bends his elbow and rubs it. 
“What wrong with your arm?” You sigh. 
“Nothing. Old college injury. You know I was varsity, right? Coulda gone national but I made more money... doing something else.” 
“Right,” you sniff and go to the oven. You peer through the lit window at the spiral cookies. 
“What’s the point of me putting in all this work in the gym when you’re just fattening me up?” He scoffs. 
“You don’t have to eat the cookies.” You glance at the time on the small screen above the stove. 
“I have a nose and a stomach. I can’t resist.” He shuffles around the kitchen and surprises you as he comes up behind you. “Just like I can’t resist you.” 
“The cookies are for the shelter.” You stiffen as he wraps his arms around you and pulls your ass against him. “I told you several times not to touch.” 
“Mimi, you’re spending all my money.” 
You huff and look around at the spacious kitchen; stacked ovens, a hug marble island, a fridge with a glass door, a whole other fridge for just wine, and every single appliance you might need but have yet to use. You grab his wrists as he squeezes your hips. 
“I think you have more than enough. What else am I supposed to do?” 
“Have some wine, put on a thong, hop on my dick,” he purrs and rocks you with him, locking his hold on you. “You got your choice. The hot tub, the pool, sauna, hell, sit out in the sun and read one of your Austen joints. Want me to dress up like Darcy? Bit of role play?” 
“Stop,” you push on his arms and writhe. 
“What’s a matter, mimi? You weren’t so shy last night. Or yesterday afternoon. Or after lunch. Or in the morning.” 
You sneer and tear his hands away from your hips. You turn to him and poke his shoulder. He groans and rubs it. 
“Ow, you know that’s still healing.” 
“I told you to go to a real doctor,” you snip. 
“Mimi, they don’t touch me like you do.” He furls his fingers and his throat bobs. He runs his thumbs along his shorts and tugs. “Damn, just the thought—how about a cool down? I just chugged a protein shake, I gotta get it out.” 
“No.” 
“No?” He tilts his head. “Mommy, please.” 
“No, especially if you’re going to pull that.”  
You spin as the timer dings and you grab the oven mitts. You shut off the buzzer and take out the cookies. You put the pan on the counter to cool and hang the mitts again. 
“Mimi...” Lloyd drawls out as he closes in. 
You evade him. Keeping a step ahead as you scurry along the island. He pursues and you turn to face him as you round the corner. 
“I said no. I’m not in the mood.” 
“Why? Because that limp dick is in the hospital--” 
“Stop.” You whine and backpedal away from him as his advance continues. “Lloyd, I’m telling you to stop. I have to make a trip downtown to deliver the cookies--” 
“Really? You do? Because you don’t leave without me. Remember? Those are the rules.” He gets closer and closer.  
You peer around as you feel blindly and walk back on your heels. You pass through the doorway into the front room. You barely dodge the sofa and the little round table next to it. 
“Lloyd.” 
“Mimi.” 
“Leave me alone. I’m telling you.” 
“Keep telling me. It's making me hard.” He snickers. 
You veer through the next doorway and stumble as he lunges. He pulls back and laughs again. He’s taunting you. 
“Oh, I like this game, Mimi.” 
“I’m not playing,” you reach to grab the banister as you step towards the stairs. 
He takes a deep breath and stops. “Neither am I.” 
His smirk sends a chill through you. You freeze at the bottom step and gulp. You look up then back at him. In an instant, you’re barreling up, desperate to get to the top. As your feet slap on the stairs, his treads trail you up calmly. 
Shit. This is the last thing you need. No matter what or when, you always manage to provoke him. Every breath, every blink, every word only entices him. It’s tiring. Without a job, without your friends, it feels like your nothing more than toy. Any search for a different purpose just amuses him. 
You race down the hall. You have to make a quick decision. You burst into the bathroom and spin to swing the door shut. It bounces back as Lloyd shoves his sneaker between it and the frame. He shoves in after you with a taunting grin. 
You stagger back and search for any form of defence. You know it’s pointless. There’s no escape, no fight to be had, but you just want him to let you think for two minutes without mentioning his dick. You grab the bottle of hair spray and aim it at him. You push down and he coughs, waving his hand through the cloud of stickiness. 
He swats the aerosol from your hand and grabs your other arm. You whimper as he wrenches you toward him. He turns and pens you in against the floating counter. He tuts down at you as you push on his stomach. 
“Oh, mimi,” his eyes flick above you. “That’s a great fucking idea.” He grips your shoulder and twists you around to face the counter. “I’d love to watch.” 
He keeps you trapped as you slap a hand on the marble and try to shove him away with the other. He stretches the elastic of his shorts and they fall to his feet. You wriggle as he wraps his arm around you and leans you against the counter. 
His other hand snakes under your skirt. One of the many pieces stocked in your closet. None of them fit right. They all flutter a bit too high on your thigh. 
“Lloyd,” you beg. “Later. Not��now.” 
“Too fucking late. My dick hurts.” 
“Stop!” You throw and elbow back into his ribs. He grunts and nuzzles your hair. 
“Don’t mess around.” He warns. 
He kicks your feet apart and peels your panties down your thighs. The strip of lace strains around your legs. He bends you further as he feels around. He brings his tip down to your cunt and prods you, tapping, and rubbing. 
“Mm, I feel you shaking for me, Mommy.” 
“Please--” you gasp. 
“You don’t gotta beg,” he boats. 
“Urgh, get—off!” You bend your arm awkwardly and once more poke at his shoulder. He exclaims but persists.  
He lines up as he bares his teeth, hooking his jaw over your shoulder. The anger pulses in his forehead as he glares at your reflection. He snaps his hips and impales you with a growl. You cry out and brace the counter as your legs buckle. 
“Ow!” You plead with him in the mirror. Eyes misty, eyes pouting. 
His lips curve deeper as he thrusts, jerking your hip bones into the marble. His hand crawls up to your chest and he squeezes your chest with a snarl. He tilts his head and sinks his teeth into your shoulder. He ruts as his eyes blaze back at you from the glass. 
His hand snakes down your stomach and delves beneath your skirt. You hide beneath your eyelids as he finds your clit. He flicks over your hood and you spasm. You mewl as he does it again and again. Worse than his strength is his talent at toying with you. Even as you resist, he finds your weak spot and needles away at it. 
“Mmm,” he purrs as he unlatches his teeth and kisses up your neck. 
His mustache tickles as he pounds against your ass, fingers sliding around your slickness, breath fogging around your chest. Your thighs quiver and your feet arch. You bend forward a little more and he hits just the right spot. 
You cum in a ripple of pathetic moans. You’re breathless and weak. You slump onto your elbow and he growls as you open to him completely.  
He frames your hips and pumps into you until his motion turns erratic. He groans and grunts, digging his nails through the fabric as he pulls out. He cums down your thigh as you hang off the counter.
He lets out a gurgle and snaps his knuckles against your ass. He moves rigidly as he turns and leans his bare ass on the marble beside you. He rubs your back as you gulp and catch your breath.
You stand up but he stops you from grabbing a tissue to wipe up. He’s shameless as his shorts still cling around one ankle. 
“Hey, baby cakes, get my shorts for me? Think I pulled something.” 
You scowl at him as he emphatically clutches his side. You sniff and wave him off. You grab a washcloth and wet it under the faucet. You wipe yourself off and toss the balled fabric into the sink. 
“Pull your own shorts up,” you sneer. 
“I mean it, Mimi, my back’s all sorts of locked up. You got me all bound up.” He gives a pathetic whimper. “Please, take care of me like you always do.” 
You shake your head and squat down to grab the shimmering puddle of shorts. This is ridiculous. He lifts his feet to hook it through and as you tug them up his legs, an odd weight hangs in the flimsy fabric. His dick twitches just as you cover it up and let the elastic snap him meanly. 
“You feel that, Mimi,” he catches your hand and pulls it back to him. You try to shake him off but can’t. “Am I happy to see you or is that a ring in my pocket?” He brushes your palm over his dick and to his pocket. The shape you felt is sharper than you expect. You look up at him in confusion. 
“You didn’t even give me a chance to get on one knee.” 
He guides your hand to the top of his pocket and lets go. Your heart thumps as you reach inside and pull out the heart-shaped box. The lid opens like wings from the middle. You reveal the sapphire trimmed diamond inside. Each stone bigger than the next. 
You gape at the sparkling cluster. Lloyd chuckles and strokes your cheek. He cups your chin and raises it. As you look at him, he smirks again. 
“You take care of me, I take care of you,” he traces his thumb along your lip. “Speaking of, I’m fucking serious about my back. Can I get some help?” 
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eyesteeth · 5 months ago
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do you really think she's going to forgive you after this?
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basofy · 4 months ago
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now that the @lisadigitalzine account made the announcement i'm gonna post my submissions!! this time i was given the opportunity to make the cover for the credits which was really nice :) i loved making these! pls check the rest of the zine!!
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p4nishers · 11 months ago
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thinking about the relationship between mightily oats' "the worthwhile [words] don't burn" and constable dorfl's "the words in the heart cannot be taken"
#especially the journey both of them had to go through to get to the point of saying that. like the whole of carpe jugulum oats was so TORN#and before that too about what words could you believe and who could you really trust on their word about om and the prophets and he went#out of his way to look up records disproving what the book of om said bc he KNEW nothing they said could be believed and just all the pain#and all that doubt he went thru and the part where he questioned om's 'infinite compassion' as he prayed bc really what compassion?#how many people prayed at the stake just like he was doing in that moment? how many people had to live with the silence of their god just#like he did? but still when his book of om – that he clung to the whole book for reassurance – burned he said the worthily words don't burn#the worthily words are in the heart and in the mind and not feed into his mouth by old man who just#made things up to justify their actions. he had all the words he needded the whole time and holiness was always all around him. he just had#to look#and dorfl being created with words in his head that dictated his every move . words that chained him. then he and the other golems created#'king' for themselves in the hope he'd lead them to freedom but they put too many words in his head and he failed and carrot gave dorfl his#own freedom and his own words and that lead to dorfl destroying his well child basically and destroying himself in the process but the word#in his heart his OWN words remained and they were able to rebuilt him and vimes give him a voice and his words and belief remained in him b#they were always his#god. sorry for the ramble im severally unwell about them#mightily oats#constable dorfl#carpe jugulum#feet of clay#gnu terry pratchett#discworld
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cloud-ya · 2 years ago
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the polish tradition of keeping live carp in the bathtub before killing it for christmas eve supper
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me-sploh-rada-imas · 6 months ago
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🩷💜
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soup-scope · 1 year ago
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hey y’all the relationship between warden and vega fucking fascinates me
cause honestly i have absolutely no idea on how to characterize it
like yes he calls them ‘darling’ yada yada but he almost takes a paternal(?) role when it comes to nurturing them????
he rescues them, he feeds them, he tries to reconnect them with the demonic habits they were shamed out of expressing, he teaches them and tries to subtly influence their behavior towards a possible corruption arc and just
this isn’t me trying to make their relationship weird or smth i’m just saying i have absolutely no idea how vega and wardens relationship actually works between them… not every listener and character are destined to end in a romantic relationship so that’s why i’m thinking that the relationship between warden and vega won’t become romantic and more of that weird friendship you have with your 50 year old coworker who smokes 2 packs a day.
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6-atlas-6 · 8 months ago
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I FINALLY COME BACK AND FIND OUT MY MAN IS DEAD? Y'ALL WHAT THE FUCK
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thegoodmorningman · 6 months ago
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Fish morning
Good Morning Money Penny-Coins,
Many people have said, "I wish I was a fish." I can relate because (and not a lot of people know this about me because I'm not one to brag) I wish I was a Bird. Fish is to Sea as Bird is to Sky. So I guess I hope whatever Sun is hiding at the bottom of The Sea is smiling upon them. Be Excellent, Bud☀️🧙🏼‍♂️✌🏼
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grinchwrapsupreme · 1 year ago
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manifesting pat calling the captain james in the christmas special
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musicalislife · 1 year ago
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I don’t know how to react 💚
They know exactly what they're doing to us
(Video from Käärijä’s TikTok 2023.06.10.)
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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 8 months ago
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Carpe Noctem 34/End
Warnings: dark elements, noncon, age gap, gaslighting, manipulation, violence, blood, other dark elements. Proceed with caution. (short!reader)
Note: Please let me know what you think as it helps me a lot with ideas and I love interacting with you all.
Part of The Club AU
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You sit in the idling car, holding your hands up to the heater as it blasts. You glance up at the house, anxious. Should you go check on him? Or maybe… you look at the keys. You can just drive away. Alone.
Too late for all that. Just as your mind wanders down the country roads, Lloyd appears in the doorway. He tramps across the porch and bounds down the steps, his shoes kicking up dirt as he struts towards the car. 
He opens the door and swings himself in with a grunt. His knuckles are purple and swollen, his upper sleeve stained with even more blood than before. You tut and reach to touch the reddened fabric.
“I’m fine,” he insists as he shrugs you off, “don’t worry, sweet cheeks, you’ll get your hands on me eventually.”
You recoil and roll your eyes. He adjusts the mirror and his eyes narrow past it. You follow him as smoke seeps out through the open doorway. You frown and reach for the car door. The locks clunk into place.
“Baby cakes, you got a big heart but those people don’t deserve your pity,” he shifts into gear and hits the gas, reversing with a sharp veer that has you pressed against the door. “We’re done here.”
“Wait, Lloyd, what did you do?”
“I saved your sweet ass. I’m not gonna lie and say it wasn’t imperative to me. Can’t let that jiggle go to waste, you know?” He snickers at the road as he steers away from the smoking country house.
You crane to see behind you, a glimmer of orange in the left window before you’re too far away to make out much of anything. You feel a tap on your thigh and sit straight as Lloyd’s hand rests there. He squeezes and gives a growl.
“Get your belt on, sweetheart,” he girds, “last thing I need is you flying through the windshield after I went to all that trouble.”
You gulp and click the belt into place. You can’t help but agree with that sentiment.
“Where are we going?” You ask.
He laughs again as he steers casually with one hand, his foot heavy on the pedal, “oh, you don’t have to worry about that.” He rubs your thigh, letting his hand slip between them, “we both just saw what happens when you take care of yourself, huh?” He squeezes and hums, “I’m not that soft dicked cop or that mummy’s boy farmer,” he taunts, “you belong with me, mimi… you belong to me.”
You stare at his hand then lift your eyes to the road. You peer over at the streaking landscape and shudder. Compared to the alternative, to Johnny or Cole, he’s not the worst you could do. Besides, with him, you don’t have much of a choice. You’re pretty sure you’re more than just a fling now, you’re an accessory to murder.
🌙
The adrenaline drains from you and has you slumped in your seat, snoring against the door as you forget the world whipping by you. You dream of the farmhouse and Beverly’s scissors. You awake with a start as the soothing motion slowly and you blink at the night.
Lloyd turns into a driveway, rolling up to the dark house. You grumble and shift in your seat, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. He shuts the car off and sits in the blackness.
“You awake, sugar tits?” He asks.
“Yeah,” you croak. “Where are we?”
“The only thing you needa know about where we are is that you’re safe. Stay close to me and you always will be.”
He undoes his seat belt and you do the same. He unlocks the doors and you let yourself out, stiffly standing as you rub your lower back. You turn to look at the neighbourhood lit with cones of light pouring from tall poles. You’ve never been here before. You must be far from home.
What home?
You follow Lloyd’s shadowy figure towards the front door. He stops to key a code into a number pad and it flashes green. He pushes inside and flips on the light. You shuffle in after him, rubbing the kink in your neck. He sighs and shuts the door as it locks automatically.
“Is… this your house?”
“One of many,” he intones, “didn’t I mention that before?”
You frown and peer around, “no…”
He chuckles, “no? Don’t know how that didn’t come up. I guess I didn’t take you for a gold digger.”
“I… I’m not,” you face him, appalled by the suggestion.
“Relax, I’m not saying you are, I’m just saying, you never asked.”
You clamp your lips and shake your head. He plants a hand on the wall and slips off his shoes, groaning as he wiggles his toes. You don’t have any shoes, your feet are cold and dirty. You stand on the mat, unsure of what comes next.
“So… what now?” You ask, “are we hiding?”
“Hiding? I told you, I got friends on the force,” he scoffs as he faces you and brings his hand up under your chin, “I’ll tell you what now. You’re gonna fix me up, the way you do, and I know it gets you all worked up, so after, we’re going to christen this place. Every single room.”
“Lloyd,” you utter as he backs you up to the wall.
“Well, we don’t need to do those in that order,” he purrs, “you can sit on my face first.”
Your eyes round and you tisk, “please.”
“Please… what? I’m all yours, mimi. Tell me what, and I’ll gladly lick it.”
“Must you?” You sneer.
“Which hole, mommy?” He teases.
You jab his ribs and he grunts, “I hate when you call me that.”
“Oh, I know, but I love it when you get mad,” he smirks. “Mimi,” his tone deepens and his expression turns dire, “I don’t think you get it. You don’t understand what you do to me.”
You arch a brow and tilt your head defiantly, “no, you don’t understand everything you’ve done to me.”
“Christ sakes, I just massacred a family for you,” he growls as he steps closer, leaning in to hover his lips over yours, “can’t you see I’m fucking crazy for you?”
You search his eyes for what, you don’t know. You know he’s nuts, he doesn’t have to tell you that. He also doesn’t have to say that you’re stuck with him because of that very affliction. Honestly, he’s close to tolerable when he doesn’t say anything at all.
He pulls you to him, smothering any resistance you might muster. He kisses you greedily, holding you against him, wrapping you up in his arms. He has you locked in; trapped in his grasp and his house and his life.
The bristle of his mustache tickles your nose, a symptom of his very being, the one little thing that ruins the moment.
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eyesteeth · 3 months ago
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you know the meme
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dear fellow ssri takers: do you guys have any vibrator recommendations. the way the lexapro is working i need to upgrade from a cheapie amazon massager to something that’ll treat my clit like a pigeon in a jet turbine
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