#carmy is so fleabag coded

[berzattcs]

some thoughts about carmy and his relationship with love.

carmen knows love, but not the love we are expected to know.

love for him is tough, is hard and it takes more than it gives—hell, most of the time, it takes every last of strength there is from him.

love, for him, is sacrifice. is sitting back and watching his mother fall apart because saying something means she will fall even more. it’s going away from home to chase a dream that was not really his at first, but it became, somehow, all he had. it’s coming back home to a place thay doesn’t feel like it anymore because he has to. it’s showering himself in memories and regret because he has to. it’s taking care of the business he wanted to run with his brother but when he finally gets to be the one behind the wheel, he has to do it alone (or at least he thinks so).

carmen knows how to love. he loves his family, loves food—there’s not much to it, it’s all he has. these are the things that shaped him. what he doesn’t love, though, is himself. and god, how hard it is to do such thing?

he thinks that, in order to love himself, he needs to give away everything. push to the limit and go beyond, break his back and bend himself to fit in places way too small, or grow bigger when he needs to fit the bigger ones. he’s the mirrorball, he’s trying, he’s the archer and he has been his own prey. who could ever leave him? everyone, including himself.

who could stay? he’s trying to figure it out, still.