#cant wait to go back to my doctors in march and tell them i hate it and want to go back to libre

[architectureenthusiast]

Finally got my new sensor to work. 🥰

Needs to be recalibrated every 10 minutes 😐

[garrettandoscargirlsblog]

Benny The Rookie Cop Ch3

Summary: Here it is! Took awhile to finish this! Here it is! Benny in the hospital. Santi in rehab. With a twist! cant say too much.

Benny's POV: 

Here I am yet again . In the hospital. Haven't been what? A couple of days since I was being stitched up for a wound while on the job. This latest wound has become the talk of the station. Personally? Rather hide . Benny James Miller hide? Not gonna. Who wants to be shot in the ass?! Yeah! First time ! Look, it happened so fast. Was in pursuit of this dude who was framing top officials for dealing drugs. That's when a shootout happened . Fired first till a bullet hit my ass!  Upper left cheek to be precise. Chris made the call . Great! My wife is gonna hit the fan yet again! Last thing she needs to deal with since Santi went to rehab. We were gonna see him soon as he gets settled. Next thing, telling the others about the wound . Oh the jokes would fly like clock work. Now I'm layin on my tummy while I wait for the doctors to check on me. 

Gracie’s POV: 

After arriving for my shift. Which was kind of dead as a doornail. After the usual nurses meeting we have to deal with the usual shit. Like riding alongs with paramedics.  Oh what fucking fun. Bout to get started on my first task till there was a call about a cop being shot! Heart dropped! Worried about my husband. My heart ,and soul! Try not to get too emotional. Have a job to do. Taking a deep breath marched myself into trauma 2 to Benny! On the table laying on his tummy with a sheet draped to cover his lower half? Okay. Didn't ask why till removing it to see a bloody bandage on his ass! First thought it was a joke! I mean come on! He was known for his jokes. Till Chris told me it wasn't. Okay! Time to go to work on my sexy rookie. At some point he had to be sedated. I stayed with him till he woke up hours later. Looks so beautiful even in his groggy state. Hair so soft to the touch. Beautiful blue eyes that lights up the room. His hand touched my ,and mumbled,” Don't laugh okay?” Kissing his forehead ever so gently whispered,” Not a chance my husband. Got hurt on duty. Now you are my patient.. My duty is to take care of you. First thing. Have to get you admitted. I know I know ya hate that. Have to make sure the wound isn't bad. I'm gonna stay with you kay?” Benny reached for my other hand and kissed it. Telling me he loves me with all of his heart. Blew him a kiss while exiting the room. See my family in the waiting room. Will first hug me close. Could tell he was scared. Told him he is fine that his ass hurts,but still groggy,but they can go to see him. He would love that. Okay girl! Time to get things rolling.

Benny's POV: 

I'm floating a bit. Some point I heard voices from my lovely wife. Such a sweet thang to hear. Telling me stuff I don't recall right away. Hope to get out of here,on account I hate hospitals being here too many times in my lifetime. Want to be home. In my own bed. Not .. on this thin slab of metal with a mattress. Moments later I hear Will and Frankie telling me stuff. Could tell they were worried,and relieved. Hearing them chatting about stuff. Oh great! Doctor is here. Touching my wound seriously dude? Hurts like a mother! Enough already! Close my eyes again. Meds kicked in good! Want to sleep! Want my Gracie ! Oh my baby. Soulmate, love of my life,and reason why I am alive. Didn't care if other people thought I'm too old for her. Age factor isn't an issue for me. Heck! PA is older than ma. Love each other so much to put shitheads comments to bed. Gracie’s friends tried to convince her we weren't meant to be. Since I was in the Army at the time. Though saving herself for so long wasn't healthy. Our first time was so beautiful. Focus on that moment man! 

Santi just got back from another session. To him he didn't belong there talking about his fears with a bunch of strangers. Want to be home. With his family. Promising his mom he would do this for her,and doesn't want to be like his dad. Frightening him to no end. Leaning against the window looking at the view of tall buildings wishing for the quietness of home. Not noticing Gracie entering the room. Turned around,” Glad you are here little bud. Nice to see a familiar face. Don't see Benny.. is he at work?” Taking a breath while sitting on the edge of the bed,” Actually, he is here. Nursing a gunshot wound to the butt. Thought… it would be worse Tang! Worry about him every time he goes out. Thought about y'all in Columbia..” Santi sits next to her pulling her close to him like when she was a kid,” I know you do. We all do. He told me the same thing. He knows your job is dangerous too. I'm glad he has you. I mean it. Sure I was against it at first,but  when I see you with him? Can see why both of you were meant to be.” Moment was interrupted by a knock,” oh ! I'm sorry Santiago. Time for another session. “ Getting up rubbing his face,” Guess you know Dr. Knight. I'll be right there.” Gracie nods at her,” Oh yeah I do. Better go back to my husband. Take care of my brother. I mean helping him with his rehab not helping yourself to break his heart.” That didn't go well with the doctor. Got up to look her in the eye,” Look here I know what you might think of me ,but I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your brother's recovery. I'm just his doctor. Nothing more! It's not like I tried to seduce Benny when you were an intern. “ That did it! As much she wanted to kick Lucy’s ass,she was on duty. Not gonna stoop to her level. Got up to leave,” Oh, doctor? I wouldn't tell your supervisor on your misdiagnosis of a patient. You know? One that almost murdered a few innocents!”  Slams the door behind her. Leaving both of them, okay, one of them speechless. Lucy cleared her throat,” okay, see where she gets her spark from. Okay, ready to go Mr. Garcia?” Getting up from his spot. Glaring his brown eyes at her,” For the record ma'am. You haven't seen anything yet. “

Didn't take long to admit Benny to a private room overlooking the roof garden next building over. Him laying on a doughnut pillow,which it took awhile to get used to. Good he would be here overnight. Followed by resting at home for a few days. Had few visitors from his department. Glad to hear he would be okay. Followed by a few butt jokes. Benny replied as they left,” Very funny assholes if I see anything on my desk that pertains to my boo boo? Make y'all pay. “ Gracie laughed as she closed the door,” Now that we are finally alone. Wanna tell you that I was scared when I heard you were shot. Feared the worst baby. Said a prayer before you were brought in. Oh! Went to see Santi. Had a nice talk till.. that hussy of a doctor came in.” Benny knew who she was talking about. Pulls his wife into his side that doesn't have any wires. Kissing her forehead,” I cringe when I see her. To think she was willin to wreck our relationship. She sent ya on a goose chase. Proud of you what happened next. “ Kissing his chest,” yeah, but I think she might get her mits on my brother . See that doesn't happen.” 

Santi finally went alone to rest. Thinking about the events of the day. Counting down the day till he gets home.About to turn his light off. A knock at the door,” Come on handsome. Help me go to sleep.” 

Note: okay! Hate to leave this as a cliffhanger. Want to have y'all sweat it out oh who it is. Hoping to do an extra scene to this chapter. A sweet one where Benny boy comes home. Wish me luck! 

@rhoorl @romanarose @musings-of-a-rose

[therenlover]

Therenlover’s Official Fanfic Glossary!

Hey hey hey! This is the place where you can find all my up-to-date fanfics linked nicely, read about what projects I have upcoming, and learn what requests I’m taking at the moment! Cheers!

This post is massive so, for the sake of your dash, everything is under the cut

A NOTE ABOUT REQUESTS!

I will do my best to fulfill any requests I get while my ask box/requests are open! That being said, I cannot promise every request will get done, and that if they do, they’ll be done in a timely manner. I’m currently working on a long-form project that needs a lot of time and energy to come out consistently, so unless I’m doing a writing event most of my writing juice will be focused on that. That being said, if you want something ask! The worst I can possibly do is direct you towards someone else who might be able to write what you want if I cant.

If I choose not to do your request based on personal preference (it makes me uncomfy/I don’t write for the character at that time/I don’t feel I can write what you want/etc.) I will do my best to contact you and let you know! That being said, if you think your ask got buried/forgotten, feel free to message me again and let me know, but please tell me when you message me if I should be looking for a prior request.

Characters/Fandoms I will write for currently

 💙 = I’m Currently Super Inspired To Write For This Character

Marvel/X-Men

Bucky Barnes

Loki

Peter Maximoff 💙

Pietro Maximoff

Helmut Zemo 💙

Hank McCoy

Ralph Bohner 💙

Vision

American Horror Story

Tate Langdon

Kit Walker 💙

Kyle Spencer (Pre- and Post- Death)

Jimmy Darling 💙

James Patrick March 💙

Kai Anderson

Fallout 4

Nick Valentine

Hancock

Star Wars

Poe Dameron

Armitage Hux 💙

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

Finn

Han Solo

Assorted/Random

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne - FGO

Cu Chulainn/Cu Alter - FGO

Warren Lipka - American Animals 💙

Enjolras - Les Miserables

Grantaire - Les Miserables

Gabriel - Supernatural

Imagines - REQUESTS CLOSED

Songs From Musicals Y/N Would Sing To The Evans

Characters: Tate Langdon, Kit Walker, Kyle Spencer, Jimmy Darling, James Patrick March, Kai Anderson, Peter Maximoff

Rating: T

How The Evans (+ Quicksilver) Would React To Yoplait’s New Gushers Yogurt

Characters: Tate Langdon, Kit Walker, Kyle Spencer, Jimmy Darling, James Patrick March, Rory Monahan, Kai Anderson, Peter Maximoff

Rating: T

Would The Danny Bunch Survive A Holiday With My Family?

Characters: Laszlo Kreizler, Alex Kerner, Niki Lauda, Andrea Marowski, Ernst Schmidt, Helmut Zemo

Rating: T

Headcanons - REQUESTS CLOSED

Modern! AU Armitage Hux Boyfriend Headcanons

Zemo With A Well Dress S/O Headcanons

Zemo Getting Jealous Headcanons

Oneshots - REQUESTS CLOSED

Marvel/X-Men

Helmut Zemo

One Last Night In Madripoor

Synopsis: Baron Helmut Zemo is a lonely, wanted man looking for some fun, you’re a piss-poor bounty hunter in search of a connection before leaving your life of crime behind, and fate has brought you together at a party the likes of which has never been seen before. You only have one night left in Madripoor, so why not take a chance?

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 4200~

Still Some Catching Up To Do

Synopsis: As a member of the criminal underworld, people walk out of your life all the time. Some are killed, others kill themselves, most get caught and only a couple get out of the life unscathed, disappearing into the world never to be seen again. Very few walk back in. So when your supposedly incarcerated ex-lover, the Winter Soldier, and the Falcon waltzed through your door and made you murder your boss, needless to say, you were surprised and more than a little bit pissed.

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 6800~

Nine Years Starved

Synopsis: It had been a little over nine years since Helmut Zemo lost his family, his country, and his sanity. Nine years since his last kiss. Nine years since he felt like a human man. Finally, he was ready to start over again, but first, he had to pay his penance back where it all began; Novi Grad. That’s when, by the grace of the fates, he met you.

Rating: G

Word Count: 7000~

Daddy Dearest

Synopsis: Not everyone gets lucky enough to go from being a broke college student in New York to being the sugar baby to literal royalty, but not everyone is you. Most people would be worried about messing things up or losing him to someone else, but you knew he would never find another baby just like you. Besides, you knew exactly what to do to keep him wrapped around your little finger. He may have been the daddy, but you pulled the reins.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 8000~

In Fleeting Touches & Airy Sighs

Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

Synopsis: As a wanted man, Helmut Zemo spends most of his time jumping from place to place in the hopes of avoiding a trip back to prison. Unfortunately, that means he can’t always be home in your arms. When he is, though, in the rare moments of calm, you’re reminded of just how worth it it’s been to wait, even if that wait was only shortened by the arrival of your enemies.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 35,700~

Two Bodies In The Rain

Synopsis: It was raining the day you finally had to admit your feelings to Helmut. You hated to tell him the way you did, under the grey skies as your blood pooled below you, but at least you knew, in the end, he had seen the real you, even just once. That was enough.

Rating: T

Word Count: 5600~

Rest

Synopsis: Living life on the lam with your escaped super-villain lover means things rarely slow down enough for a real rest. When the exhaustion starts to take its toll on you, though, he knows exactly what to do to ease the pain. He may not be a good man, but he’s a good husband when it counts.

Rating: T

Word Count: 3200~

American Horror Story

Jimmy Darling

Red Nights In Jupiter

Synopsis: At the end of another long day, you fall into bed with Jimmy Darling. The men you served throughout the day don’t matter then, nor do the coins in the mason jar by the door, or the women scheduled to attend Jimmy’s next Tupperware party. No, in that quiet darkness it’s just you and the man you love, bone-tired and happy to be home. Who could ask for more?

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 3000~

James Patrick March

Heartsick

Synopsis: When you fall ill, James is given a forceful awakening about how he’s been neglecting your needs and what he must do to prevent harm from befalling you again.

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 3700~

In Sickness And In Health

Synopsis: Normally people don’t have their wedding and funeral on the same day, but you and James don’t quite have a normal relationship, do you? Besides, you wouldn’t wanna go any other way.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 5500~

Fallout 4

Currently Empty

Star Wars

Currently Empty

Assorted/Random

Currently Empty

Long Form Works/Series

Young Artist!Zemo AU

Chapter One: The Boy With The Easel

Synopsis: About a month into your first semester at Novi Grad’s top university, you finally meet the strange young man that you’ve taken to calling “easel boy” in the back of a bookshop. From a distance, he always seemed cold and aloof. As you get to know him, though, you realize things aren’t always what they seem.

Rating: T

Word Count: 7000~

Till Forever Falls Apart (A Peter Maximoff/Reader Series)

Chapter One: Welcome Home

Synopsis: As if getting thrown through the multiverse, trapped in an attic (albeit a cool one), mind-controlled to manipulate his grieving sister, and subsequently dragged out of Westview “for his own safety” by the FBI wasn’t enough, Peter Maximoff has now been shipped off to New York to live with a glorified baby sitter like some tragic orphan in a comic book until they find a way to get him back home. Things are not always as they seem, though, and this change might just be for the better.

Rating: T

Word Count: 2400~

Chapter Two: The Doctor Is In

Synopsis: Peter’s first few days in his new home are mostly uneventful, so he decides it’s the perfect time to dust off his running goggles and steal some shit. The building with the massive circular stained glass window seems like a great place to start! People with buildings that lavish are usually rich and weak, so what could possibly go wrong?

Rating: T

Word Count: 2800~

Chapter Three: It’s Always Been You

Synopsis: After a month of adapting to his new universe, Peter Maximoff can confidently say that he likes his new life more than his old one. Sure, he misses home sometimes, but he’s been far too busy flirting with his new roommate to spend time crying over the things he’s lost. Everything is smooth sailing until a strange journal in his roommate’s study leaves him with more questions than he knows what to do with. Now he’s on a mission to discover who he’s really living with before she has the chance to turn against him.

Rating: T

Word Count: 8600~

Chapter Four: Before You Go

Synopsis: Peter, after days of contemplation, has realized that part of him loves Y/N no matter what she is or what she’s been through. Unfortunately, he can’t find her anywhere. When she finally returns home with the intention of leaving again, Peter realizes it’s his last chance to tell her how he really feels. Will he succeed, or will he fail to be fast enough once again?

Rating: T

Word Count: 4000~

Chapter Four And A Half: Gimme Swayze

Synopsis: Now that the issue of Y/N leaving is out of the way, and Peter has finally kissed her, he falls into the motions of learning how to love someone for the first time. It’s easier than he thought it would be.

Rating: T

Word Count; 2600~

Cakes For The Evans: A Blogging And Baking Adventure!

Kai Anderson’s Disaster Cake

Hey you! If you’ve made it this far down the list, thanks for supporting me as an author! I’ll be linking my AO3 here. I post everything there shortly before I post it here, and there are some older fics there you might enjoy along the way! It’s also easier to drop comments over there and I keep them open for non-members, so give me a shout if you liked what I wrote!

I love you all, you make me so happy, and without you support I would never be motivated to write! Cheers!

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Poor Little Anxious Crybaby (Pt.13)

-------------------------

Virgil seemed to be spending more and more time with Remus and Roman, not that anyone involved minded this change. But it wasnt the only thing that seemed to be changing.

This was the third week in a row in which Virgil seemed to be kept up for most of the night by dreams he couldnt understand. Sometimes he could make out the shapes of rabbits cats or mice, but rarely could he understand them.

"Maybe you just wanna be a mountain lion, I mean mountain lions could literally get away with ripping someone limb from limb, I'd wanna be a mountain lion," Remus said, running his fingers through Virgil's hair as Virgil lay across the couch.

"What I don't understand is why it would be waking you up, I mean, it's not like being a mountain lion is generally upsetting, right?" Roman said, pulling the hem of his sweater over his knees.

"Yeah. . . ." Virgil said, burying his face in Remus' stomach.

"Careful there bud, I gotta use that to digest stuff," Remus said, letting out a cackle as Virgil blew a raspberry against the skin.

"Well we dont need to focus on dreams now, anyone up for a game?" Roman said, shaking a controller.

"Ooohhh! I'll order pizza!" Remus said, bolting up off the couch. Virgil let out a whine at the loss of contact as his head landed on the couch pillows.

"Aaaawwweee, sorry Vivi, I'll come back in a little, but can you give me your order, Ro? You're usual?" Remus said, looking at both boys in turn.

"Cheese,,," Virgil mumbled.

"I'm not hungry," Roman said, bringing his legs closer to his chest. Remus seemed slightly upset by the response, but simply nodded and went to call the pizza place. Virgil moved closer to Roman, who draped an arm around him.

"Roro?. . ." Virgil said quietly.

"Hm?" Roman leaned his head on Virgil's.

"When we get back to school are you still gonna have to be friends with 'You-know-who' are you?" Virgil said, he hadnt thought about the kids at school for most of the summer, but it was nearly September, so the memory was slowly creeping back in.

Roman sat there for a few seconds, rubbing circle's into Virgil's back.

"I dont know Vivi. . . He's not exactly easy to get away from y'know?" Roman said sadly, Virgil buried his head in Roman's shoulder.

Virgil had known Inigo since they were kids, and they had never been friendly. But since becoming friends with Roman, Virgil had learned of even more reasons to despise the boy.

"I hope he and Brennan get together," Virgil muttered, casting a distinct glance at the sewing kit on the coffee table. Roman let out a soft chuckle, burying his head in Virgil's hair.

"That can be arranged," Remus said, sitting down next to the pair and draping himself across Virgil's back.

"Guuuyyyssss- you're crushing meeeeee," Virgil said, pouting.

"Not my fault you're so tiny," Remus said, resting his head in the crook of Virgil's neck.

"I'm only 4'8!" Virgil whined.

"Tinyyyyyy~" the twins chimed in unison.

Virgil had to admit that the feeling was nice, he was warm and happy, and for once in his life, he felt safe.

He and the twins spent a good portion of the day beating the crap out of fictional characters in a video game and stuffing their faces with pizza, Remus had taught Virgil how to make a volcano out of melted metal and an ant hill, much to Roman's distress.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow ok?" Virgil said as he stepped out the door to go home.

"Did you have fun kiddo?" Patton said as Virgil walked into the kitchen.

"Mhm," Virgil smiled as he rested his head on the kitchen counter.

"Dont forget to take your medication before dinner Virgil, I'm hoping the doctor will be right about it helping you sleep easier," Emile said, setting the bottle down next to Virgil.

"I wish they made this stuff in liquid form more often- how do you take all your stuff so easily?" Virgil said, raising an eyebrow at Emile.

"Its hard for me to, but usually if I take the water first and slip the medicine in after it's easier because it's already floating," Emile said, shrugging.

Virgil thought on this for a moment before nodding slightly. Virgil liked Emile a lot more than he'd first expected, of course sometimes he was a little different, but usually he and Virgil could just sit on the couch and talk about cartoons, and Virgil could even tell him about his nightmares without getting scared.

Of course there were some things he still didnt know about Emile, but if Patton or Emile didnt want to tell him things, he wasnt about to ask for information he shouldnt need.

Settling down for bed that night still felt bad, but Virgil didnt mention it, he didnt want to bother anyone.

Virgil awoke in a patch of soft grass, which upon closer inspection, seemed to be more of a dull teal color than the green it ought to have been.

"There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you!" Said a voice, Virgil looked up to see what looked to be a girl with white rabbit ears, wearing a waist coat and khaki shorts, a boy with a hat, a tux, and hair that varied from shades of brown and blonde on one side, and various other colors on the other, between the two was a girl with brown bunny ears, her outfit seemed to be an attempt at formality which only ended in the tattered remains of what could have once been a met gala dress.

"Who are you?-" Virgil said, sitting up and shaking his head slightly in confusion.

"Aaawww, you dont recognize us?" Said the brown bunny.

"Well of course he doesnt! When's the last time you saw him at the tea party! I mean look at his clothes! Hardly appropriate for such a special event." Said the man with the hat. Virgil looked down at his clothes, he was still in his pajamas.

"Come on- we have to get you dressed first, I cant imagine what would happen if we brought you to the king dressed like that!" Said the white rabbit, dragging Virgil off the ground and marching toward a small house on a hill.

It seemed like hours before the mission the three people seemed so set on completing was finished, and by the end of it Virgil found himself in a dusty purple dress with white sleeves, a black bow and buttons on the chest, white lace on the skirt hem, white stockings, and black boots. If he was being honest with himself, he'd never been happier to look at his reflection.

"Well come on then! The king is waiting for you!" Said the boy with the hate.

"Now hold on a second- I dont even know your names, how am I supposed to trust that you'll take me to the right place?" Virgil said.

The three figures in front of him exchanged glances.

"Hes right you know, I'd never trust someone without a name,"

"I made friends with a nameless person once, they stole my cat,"

"But if we give him our names outright then it's no fun!"

Virgil looked between the three of them in confusion, waiting for the conversation to end.

"Ok, we wont tell you our names, but you can guess them," said the boy with the hat.

The white rabbit stepped up first, she mimicked placing a crown on her head, and then mimicked a sword being pulled from something and swinging it around.

"Well- it cant be Arthur, you dont strike me as an Arthur- so is it. . . Gwenivere?" Virgil said, the girl shook her head but made a motion of begging him on.

"Gwendolyn?" Virgil said.

"You got it!" Gwendolyn said excitedly, clasping her hands together and bouncing from foot to foot. She stepped back and allowed the second rabbit to take her place.

This one held out two fingers first, dropped one, and began to imitate what seemed to be waves.

"Waverly?" Virgil said, the girl nodded and held up two fingers again, proceeding to drop them and hold up a full hand, pointing to calendar that had floated down from the ceiling.

"Waverly-Mae?" Virgil said, the girl nodded and spun on her heel to walk back next to Gwendolyn.

"And that leaves me for last I suppose," said the boy with the hat, making a sort of disappointed face to the girls as he walked up to Virgil. He mimicked both a face that Virgil would describe as angry, and one he would describe as having a few screws out of place.

"Mad?" Virgil said, the boy nodded and kept going, placing one finger on either side of his head and digging his foot into the ground.

"Maddox?" Virgil said, tilting his head. Maddox smiled and nodded.

"Well now that you know our names, you'll have to meet our king!" Gwendolyn said, grabbing Virgil by the arm and rushing off.

It took ages for them to reach what Virgil believed to be the palace. It was large and black with red and green accents along the sides, this left a sinking feeling in Virgil's chest.

"I present to you, his most gracious majesty, King Rhea!" Gwendolyn said, backing into a line with several guards dressed in red and white. Maddox and Waverly-Mae fell in line with the knights in black and green.

Virgil looked forward, in front of him and sitting on a throne was a man who shared much to many similarities with the twins to be comforting.

Though one eye was green and one eye was red, and rather than red or dark brown hair, his was black and white, but he still had the same smirk, the same demeanor Remus and Roman had when out on the town.

"So glad you could finally make it, your excellency," said Rhea, now turning his head to look at Virgil.

"I-" Rhea held his hand up, Virgil's mouth closed almost immediately.

"I know what you're going to say, and you are absolutely correct, you are not royalty, you are something much more important,"

Virgil woke up in a cold sweat, and it wasnt until he looked at himself in the mirror that he realized, he was still wearing the very same dress as before.

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Tag list:

@frawkeye

@meowthefluffy

@thefivecalls

@luna--28

@deathcanbegreat

@willowaudreykeyes

@sleepless-emo

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@cemmy

@pricklyfish777

@frog-candy-bee

[depressed-x-bitch]

!!!trigger warning!!! this is a rant that mentions suixide, if you’re triggered by that please do not read!!! i love you and you matter!

i feel really weird. tomorrow it’ll be 2 years since i tried to kill myself and im not quite sure what to make of it or what to think of it. its weird to think its already been so long, and that i had so much hope for 2020. i had so much fucking hope that was just destroyed in front of me with each passing day that its almost surprising im still here. i dont know what happened. i never felt like i knew myself before, but at least i had an idea. now i look in the mirror and don’t even know the person im staring back at. i feel like im in such a weird phase of my life and i just want it to end. I want to move out of my parents house, i cant stand living with them. it feels like they’re holding me back from becoming the person i want to be. and honestly,, im mad. im mad at my parents. im mad at my parents for not doing their job. they had one fucking job when they brought me into this world, and it was to give me their time and effort to raise me to be a healthy woman, and im just not sure if they did that. i wont sit here and try to paint my parents as complete failures, because i know they love me, i know they care, i know they try, but its just not enough. they weren’t absent parents, they were there, i always had food, a warm home, and clothes on my back, thats not the department they lack in. they lack having and emotional connection with their child. my dad is pretty much oblivious to whats going on with me, he knows i have depression and everything, and always asks how i am or if im fine, but i can never actually tell him how i feel because he’s already ruined that opportunity when i was a kid by getting mad at me and yelling at me every time i didn’t answer him because i was too scared to answer. he got mad over small things because he has anger issues and it always really scared me, he even got mad at me once because he asked how i was and i told him i was fine but he didn’t believe me, and i was still very young at the time. he once got so mad he was screaming at me for like 5 minutes while i hid behind the couch by my door crying, waiting for him to finish yelling at me so i could go to my room and hide away from him while i sobbed. i remember after that, i sat behind my door sobbing, and that was the first time i ever thought about hurting myself. i was 8.. then my mom is, to put it simply, a bitch. she treats me like her little baby, but treats my cousin (who she WILLINGLY took in) like her personal fucking punching bag. then my other cousin she took in (he is very young) gets to call HER mom, but she is virtually NEVER here to take care of him. she doesn’t play with him, she barely does anything with him. but thats not a surprise to me because she didn’t play with me much when i was younger either, yet she was still my favorite because my dad scared me. (my dad is my favorite now because i can actually stand being around him sometimes, unlike my mom) she always has something snarky to say, shes judgy, and god forbid you need or want something in a timely manner. she always tries to hug me randomly and talk to me when im literally just walking around the house or trying to do something. its really annoying to be randomly forced into a hug when im not in the mood and im trying to do something. she forced me to go to psychiatrist appointments where she and the doctor had to try and pull any information out of me, i was made to take anti-depressants because they knew something was wrong, but not what.  i eventually switched doctors and made her stop coming in the room because i couldn’t talk with her around. but there was a time before the appointments where i was constantly trying to stay home because i was depressed and i always had to talk to her about staying home, and she would ask me what was wrong, and i tried to explain it but shes just not a good listener. it felt like all she was trying to do was solve the problem, she kept telling me things i needed to do that would “help me feel better” (exercise, taking vitamins, getting birth control etc, ik these help but you have to realize i was at a point in my depression where it was hard to just get out of bed, its a problem beyond that) and kept dismissing my feelings. it never felt like she listened because she really cared, it felt like she was just trying to get a quick solution, like she was just solving a problem. and then around march 2020 she stopped making my appointments randomly (without telling me!!!!) so eventually around july the question came up about what happened to my appointments and she said “well you seemed fine” so then around september or october i asked her to make me an appointment, she didn’t get to it until like november. got put back on my anti-depressant, so i asked her to go get the prescription for me. she couldn’t get it. and why couldn’t she do that, and why did it take so long for her to make an appointment ?  oh,, she was TOO BUSY. the pharmacy is on your way to work, you don’t work weekends, and the phone call to make an appointment doesn’t even last 5 minutes. but no, you were too busy to care about your daughters declining mental health. if she really hated how i hurt myself so much, you would fucking think she would take me seriously when i ASKED her for appointments. i asked you for help, my fucking MOM, the one person who is supposed to be there to help me no matter what, to help me, and she just couldn’t do it. she wonders why i treat her the way i do, and i have a fucking LIST of reasons. because she disappointed me, because i had hope she’d be there and she just wasn’t. shes too caught up in her own feelings and emotions that she don’t consider how others feel. i understand shes the adult, but she acts like the child. it always about what she wants, not what other people need. everyone thinks they’re good parents from the outside, but once you take a closer look and start to dive in, you’ll see that the best thing you can label them as is “mediocre parents” in conclusion, i can’t wait for the fucking day i move out of this hell-hole i call home.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[pbandjesse]

I just got done having a weird conversation with a radio's facebook presence. They apparently got hacked or something and sent a bunch of people messages but I was the first one to respond and I was half joking that they were accusing me of something and then we realized the first messages werent showing up on their side and it was a whole thing. Strange. And now there is a very big storm that just started so I will probably go and pick up James after I get this posted. Well see what James says but I am pretty sure thats what will happen. 

I had a pretty nice day overall though. My skin was really bad today. It started feeling bad last night. But I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow, Its a phone call but I hope she can get me on a new medication or something. Because topicals arent cutting it and its got me pretty miserable. 

I woke up and got dressed and felt cute. I forgot to take my picture before I left apparently and so you get a nice messy and sweaty Jesse picture. But whatever. I left here and got stuck in a lot of traffic. I was just sitting on 83 behind an accident for 15 minutes, but I was pleased how well everyone was letting eachother in, zipper style, to get through the left lane, while the 4 car accident was blocking everything else. 

But then not a minute down the road there is another accident in the left lane! One car was completely sideways and the 2 women drivers were crouched in the road, it looked like they were trying to comfort eachother. Thankfully, of the accidents I saw today, no one seemed physically hurt.  

I got to camp around 8. Much later than normal but it was fine. And I had a nice day. My rainboots continue to fall apart. They held on for so long. But the new ones wont be here until like the 10th. They have ducks with umbrellas on them though so they will be worth the wait. 

I got all the groups their theme boxes. They made pet rocks today. And I did some cleaning. I went to the office to offer some help. And was sent to the pool house to look for any left over supplies. There wasnt a lot so I also just did some light cleaning and organized the chairs.I was pretty overheated though. Which was annoying. Because it wasnt like warm. It was just humid. Very humid. 

I was also a little overwhelmed because it was Jess's first day of pastry school and apparently it didnt go great. She had to be there at like 6am because those are bakery hours. And she texted me after just so super upset. And I felt very helpless. She has a meeting with the dean tomorrow and I really hope it goes well. I hate not being able to help her. Its painful for me to just hear all this bad. She couldnt even tell me any good she was so upset. So just send her some positive vibes that things improve. 

I ran trading post again. And it went pretty well. I was slightly annoyed with some personalities that I find grating. But it was still a nice time. 

I had my group of older kids and it went so smoothly. They made their squares and hung out in the hammocks and made bracelets. We talked about cults. It was just a nice time. 

Once they left and I cleaned up I spent some time doing som research for Jess, chef shoes with ankle support, and what disability services at a culinary school might look like. We also brain stormed a little about accommodations the school could maybe make. And joked that she could just sue the school  if they dont help make the accommodations and use the money to just open a bakery. 

I spent the rest of the day cleaning and organizing and lounging and reading. The bees were out really bad today so I had to leave my hammock and move inside. But soon it was 4 and I was getting ready to close up and head to the office. 

When I got down there I asked to change up the schedule for tomorrow so I could have my doctor phone call and not be worried about my group. I was sitting on the porch checking my emails when I realized I had an access art email asking if I was interested or available to come back this fall. And I had to say no. I just cant, I was so miserable last year. Even if the money is good it wasnt worth how emotionally hard it was on me. 

But I was annoyed that they were still asking me for receipts. Receipts I thought we dealt with in March. Ones that I told them that if they didnt have them I sure as hell didnt have them. And some of these purchases I dont even think I made, so I told him to check in with Marcus and Tiffany first because I had no idea. And that I will fill out the form again but I have no receipts to give him. I just find it really annoying that we have had this same conversation approximately 5 times. And just cements me not wanting to come back. It stresses me out to much, all the extra stuff around teaching that involved computers. I dont like working on computers. Beyond typing I just dont want to fill out spread sheets or forms or write the same thing 5 times for 4 different reasons. I hate it. 

I just wanted to go home though. My head was hurting and I was annoyed. So off I went. I had an easy ride home and got back here around 530. I found Mr Will shirtless in the hallway and he was all embarrassed but he was working on the roof and it was hot. Understandable. 

I went inside and made dinner. SweetP was being really needy. I just wanted to lay on the couch. I played a little animal crossing and watched some videos. I did the dishes and took a shower, stretched for a little while,  and now I am just chilling. I went out on the fire escape for a couple minutes because there was a cop car outside. But they left and now I am just going to scroll on my phone until either James tells me I need to come get him or he comes home. Whatever comes first. 

Tomorrow I hope is just a good and nice day. Its supposed to keep storming. But I hope its still fun. And you all sleep well. Goodnight everyone! Be safe!

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[a-spoopy-bird]

Non-Voltron au continued

YOU ASKED I DELIVERED HERE IS MORE FROM THE BRIDGE LANGST (lmao idk how to link shit)

The phone rang over and over. A click. Voicemail again. “Uh, hey Lance, it’s Keith again. Are- are you okay? You never showed up to physics today… I’m kinda worried. Uh, text me. Call me. Anything to let me know you’re alive. Actually, I’m coming over. So, if you’re even hearing my voice right now, then get ready.” Keith hang up. He was more than kinda worried. Lance has tried to kill himself before. Sometimes, Keith didn’t know if the one bridge accident was a blessing or not. Having Lance as a friend, while mildly annoying, was better than Keith expected. Lance did his best to hide his problems, hiding behind jokes and horrible flirting attempts. It’s been a few months since the Bridge Accident, and Lance has only shown his true colors when he was alone. Keith just happened to find Lance a few times. Keith shuddered at the memory.

He had been walking home later than usual. He was cautious. This was the time the druggies and the gangs came out. He’d have to be careful. He glanced down an alley and stopped flat. “Lance?” Leaning against a wall, his eyes were bloodshot, and he was uncoordinated.

“Keith, wussup?” Lance stumbled over. He was obviously higher than an airplane.

“Lance, come on, I’m taking you home.”

“No, no, don’t do that, please Keith.” Lance stumbled and leaned against the wall again.

“Why not?” Keith had little patience for high people. They were slow and clumsy, and usually said stuff that made no sense.

“I kinda came here to escape them, ya know?”

“Lance,” Keith sighed and shook his head. “Fine, then come on.”

“Not back home.” It was a statement, but it also felt like a question.

“No, you’re coming to my place so that you don’t do something stupid.”

“’Ight.” Lance walked with Keith, steps dragging slightly, teetering on every step. Keith did his best to support Lance, but he was a lot taller than Keith, which presented a problem. Lance couldn’t walk straight, and he seemed to want to just fall over.

Finally, finally they made it to Keith’s small studio apartment. Keith helped Lance up the stairs, with a lot of Heys, That’s my foots, and Stop it, come ons. Lance was settling down on Keith’s couch, and Keith was getting some blankets from a closet.

“Why do they hate me?” Keith froze. Lance was looking down at his hands, limp on his lap.

“Lance?”

“Like, I didn’t even do anything, ya know? They just don’t really understand. They get it that I’m into dick, that was mostly fine. My gram hates it, but whatever. I just- why don’t they see mental health kids, like, people with depression, as people who need help? Since when was that a thing?”

Keith put down the blanket. “Well, sometimes people, especially older generations, don’t see depression as a real thing. They mislead themselves by telling people they’re just a little sad.”

“Don’t they, like, care, though? Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Care?”

Keith sighed, getting the blanket. “I don’t know Lance. My dad left when I was a kid, and my mom was a drug addict. I don’t have much experience with real parents.” Keith brought the blanket over.

Lance sighed. “Keith, I didn’t do something wrong, did I?”

“No, you didn’t. Stop stressing it. Depression is very real, and they don’t seem to know that.”

“But- but they also just never has- have time for me, like? I might as well be invisible. Betcha they won’t notice I’m gone.” He laughed without humor at that.

“Give me your phone.”

“Wha- why?”

“I need to message Hunk, and I don’t have his number.” It was a lie. Keith felt spiteful. Lance’s parents should pay more attention to their kids, especially with all the sadness in that household.

“Ight, the password’s Shakira Shakira, with both s’s capitil- capitalized.”

“Go to bed,” Keith said, unfolding the blanket. “It’s late, and you’re high as hell.”

“So I’m low?”

“You know damn well what I mean, Lance.”

“Yeah, yeah, g’night, Keith.”

“Night Lance.” Keith turned towards Lance’s phone. He pulled up his mom’s number and punched it into his phone.

Keith Kogane: Hey, im keith, one of lances friends. I just wanted to let you know he was staying with me tonight.

Rosetta McClain: thank you. May I ask how you got this number?

Keith Kogane: Lance gave it too me. If you want, I can delete it

Rosetta McClain: no its fine. Thanks for looking after my boy

Keith Kogane: no problem

Rosetta didn’t answer after that. Keith wondered if she was just playing nice. Keith looked over at Lance. He had tears on his cheeks. Keith wondered if he even felt them.

“Lance?” Keith asked gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Why does everything hurt so much?” He whispered. “Why doesn’t she care? Why does he-” Lance’s voice broke. “Why doesn’t he give a rat’s ass? Do I- is this what I get? For being suicidal? For being a- a screw up?”

“Lance,” Keith said firmly, cupping Lance’s face between his hands. “You are not, I repeat, are not, a screw up.” Keith felt like someone was twisting his heart. “I don’t know why they don’t care, but look. You have Shiro, you have Hunk, Pidge, Allura, and Coran. And you have me. We will always, always be there for you.”

Lance’s pink eyes stared up at Keith, full of sadness and hope. “Really?”

Keith nodded.

But that was back in November. About two months after he had stopped Lance at the bridge. Then, back in January, he had heard Lance, thinking no one was around, talking to himself. About his family. About his thoughts. About how he feared himself. About how the darkness of his room terrified him, the way he could go months with his mask on, about how he was never enough. Keith didn’t intervene that time.

It was March. Lance has been drawing back. Only Keith has noticed.

He was at Lance’s house. How did that happen? The family minivan wasn’t there; the McClain family had gone on a vacation to their grandparent’s house. Lance had college, so he didn’t go. Besides, he had said, I don’t particularly like my grandparents. Keith knocked on the door. Loudly. Keith checked his phone. 3:27 AM. Lance was hopefully asleep. But the bags that have been under his eyes for the past week said otherwise.

“Lance, come on, open up.” Keith would never admit how scared he was. “Lance, if you don’t open this door, I’ll open it and hunt you down.” Thirty seconds passed. Forty-five. A minute. “Fine. I’m coming in.” Keith opened the door and walked into the empty house.

“Lance?” He called, walking through the halls of the house. “Come on, Lance, I’m taking you to McDonald’s.”

No answer.

“Lance?” Fear crept into Keith’s voice. “Come on, I don’t want to breach your privacy like this.” He continued to walk around the house, checking everywhere.

Keith stopped at a closed door. The light was on. He knocked. “Lance? You in there?”

One second. Two. Four. Twelve.

“Lance?” No answer. Keith sighed. “Fine. I’m going to open the door now.” Keith slowly opened it, tentatively looking in.

Lance was on the floor, not moving. Some pill bottles were spilled around him. His forearms were a mess from new and old wounds. Blood was pooled on the brown bathroom tiles. A bloodied kitchen knife lay next to him.

“Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.” Keith mumbled. “Lance, co- come on.” His breath hitched. He carefully picked his way through the mess. “You- you idiot.” He reached out to feel his pulse.

There was a weak fluttering beat. Momentary relief flew through Keith. He had to get him to a hospital. But in this city, would it just be faster to call an uber or an ambulance? Or just drive himself? Keith didn’t know. He had to stanch the bleeding. He looked around the small bathroom. He found two towels.

Lance’s arms looked worse when they were cleaned up. Long, deep cuts ran from wrist to elbow. He had lost so much blood. Keith taped the towels around his arms. He picked him up bridal style. Jesus, he was so pale. His usual tan skin was pale and clammy and cold. Keith carefully made his way to his red Honda Civic. Carefully buckling lance into the front seat, Keith took off, going as fast as legally possible.

The hospital’s lights glared down at him. He picked up Lance after unbuckling him. He walked as fast as he could. The secretary glance up when the doors opened, then did a double take. She called for a doctor to come and take him back. Keith sat in the waiting room. He pulled out his phone.

Keith Kogane: I have some bad news

Keith Kogane: Lance is in the hospital.

Keith Kogane: he cut himself up and took a bunch of pills

Keith Kogane: i rushed him to the er but he was really pale and cold

Keith Kogane: I don’t know what to do know besides just sit here

Shiro: Do you want me to come down?

Keith Kogane: if you want to

Shiro: I’ll be down in a bit

Keith Kogane: ok

Hunk Garrett: oh no! do you know if he’s going to be okay?

Keith Kogane: No they haven’t told me anything yet. I assume they’re going to flush his stomach, clean his cuts, and tr to get more blood into him.

Hunk Garrett: im coming down give me a sec

Pidge Holt: wait whats happening

Pidge Holt: oh fuck ok im coming down

Shiro: you cant drive

Pidge Holt: yeah I live close to the hospital be right there

END PART TWO

TO BE CONTINUED

[nanshe-of-nina]

People of the Edwardian phase of the Hundred Years War as dril tweets

Philippe VI de France: Time and time Again. People on here Fuck me over and ruin my life. simply for starting the Dialouge.

Edward III of England: thinking of wrapping my entire body in barbed wire and becoming Sovereign.

Jehan II de France: a teen approached me at the food court and said “I see you wore your clown costume today” and i spent the next 9 hours processing the insult.

Jehanne de Bourgogne: CHILD: Papa.. tell me once more about WIFE’s DUTY. PAPA: it is WIFE’s DUTY to protect her husband from villains, always.

Jitka Lucemburská: Damn. the MomTown forums just started requiring 4 point Mom Verificaiton to be able to post there for some reason..anyone got a work around?

Philippa de Hainaut: my opinion on politics: my opinion on politics is that politidcs is extremely good, but sometimes it is bad.

Ludwig IV, Holy Roman Emperor: bigmouth fake priest telling me to “drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself” as penance? this has happened at three churches now.

Pope Benedict XII: it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again.

Jehan III, duc de Bretagne: i just left an enormous pile of vomit behind golds gym for all of you abominable pig clowns to pick at #blackfridaydeals

Robert III d’Artois: (in really quiet, barely audible voice) hope your dick falls of bitch.

Hugues Quiéret: currently employed as Water Guru at the beach. it’s sort of like being a lifeguard except i have no inclination to touch the drowning people.

Geoffroy d’Harcourt: OH im so Fucking sorry “Your Majesty”, i didnt realize that dick rings were banished in this dystopian piss earth. Ur probably a 9gag poster.

Jacob van Artevelde: (in highly rational and cool voice) i have the higher follower count than them. i wiont let them undermine me.

Pope Clement VI: may the wind carry my tweets and soothte the sick, the wounded, the downtrodden of both man & beast, across the savage shit earth of trolls,

Jehanne de Valois, comtesse de Hainaut: startling how im the only person on this site with an actual human soul. you would think the other guys on here have one, but no.

Eudes IV, duc de Bourgogne: myth: making me mad is cool FACT: making me mad is a crap move& people who do it are all sociopathivc criminals with fucked up rotten brains.

Jehan de Montfort: turning my headlights off when driving at night,.. so that my Rivals cannot see me.

Jehanne de Flandre: i just want to find the optimal bra for sniper operations, but everoyne here is so rude, and pieces of shit.

Johann der Blinde of Bohemia: Q: If your post was proven by a counsil of wise men to be racist, or bullshit, would you bar it from the record? A: I do not delete my posts.

Charles II, comte d’Alençon: ((SPILLING BLOOD ALL OVER KEYBOARD) THIS IS WHAT U WANT. THIS IS WHAT U FUCKING BASTARDS WANT RIGHT (1 WEEK LATER) WHY ARE THE KEYS STICKING

Jehanne de Clisson: as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. “living well” is too hard.

Arnaud de Cervole: i will raze every forest and devour each city in blood tribute for the crime of 9/11!! please nbring back blue collar TV

Frank Hennequin: the jduge orders me to take off my anonymous v mask & im wearing the joker makeup underneath it. everyone in the courtroom groans at my shit.

William Montagu, 1st Earl of Salisbury: im at the point in my life where i cant relate to any popular fictional characters unless they use massive amounts of hair gel and steriods.

Antonio Doria: my name is Destyn. i build crossbows and sell weed to all your dads and im 15.

Gautier VI de Brienne: MYTH: my posts are for the Pauper REALITY: my posts are for the Prince.

Étienne Marcel: looked at a newspaper today. looks like we’re getting taxed out the wazoo, with this president. anyone else see this shit? tax out the wazoo.

Guillaume Cale: “FEAR IS USED 2 ENSLAVE THE MASSES,” I SAID AS I RIPPED THE FUCKIN DECORATIVE CARDBOARD SKELETON OFF OF THE COMMUNITY CENTERS BULLETIN BOARD

Edward Montagu, 1st Baron Montagu: girls always love to telling people not to“ Mansplain” but they do not care of, “Man's Pain”

Louis Iᵉʳ, comte de Flandre: 1) i do not owe you mother fuckers a damn thing 2) i will not hear any more questions or comments unless they pertain to MetroPCS, or Pepsi.

Philippe III de Navarre: the crusaders fire ballistas into my throbbing diaper- unlesashing a torrent of mustard yellow shit and poisoning the entire village.

Gaston II, comte de Foix: i am going to plunge a sword into our bed and officially end outr 40 yr marriage if you do not stop yelling while i am recording my stream’s.

Henry de Grosmont, 1st Duke of Lancaster: please help my cousin “Bruno_THought_Leader” who just had his account suspended for threatening to “Fuck” brexit.

Robert Le Coq, Bishop of Laon: i have absolutely zero interest in friendship, i have absolutely zero interest in jokes, i am simply here to collect data and earn respect.

Jehan Iᵉʳ, comte d’Armagnac: the joke is on you fuck face. i actually love getting screamed at and publicly shamed for my dumb-assed bull shit . I love apologizing.

Bardi and Peruzzi families: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool’s Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!!

Jehanne II de Navarre: i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and NIce manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT.

William de Bohun, 1st Earl of Northampton: if you have less than 1000 followers i can guarantee you that me and the boys share your posts in vip chat rooms and call you a "Muthafucka”.

William de la Pole: thinking about getting the dow jones back on track, simply by making a few phonecalls. but certain people have been a bitch to me, so i wont.

Thomas de Beauchamp, 11th Earl of Warwick: shutting computer down until the shitty moods & attitudes can fuck off., if you need me ill be on my other computer, sititng 60° to my right.

Thomas Holland, 1st Earl of Kent: ive heard from a reliable source that people arre putting their lips on to my girl friends avatars and going “muah muah muah.” cut it out.

Raoul II de Brienne, comte d’Eu: hate it when my boss knocks out the front leg of my desk with a baseball bat and funko pop lego shit flies every where.

Karel IV, Holy Roman Emperor: “RESULT You are the Serpant. YOu dislike loud places and people are constantly putting drama in your life. But you’re strong.” This is true.

Charles de Blois-Châtillon: torturing my damn dick with corn cob holders in Penance for the foul tone i took with the subway corporation today.

Jehanne de Penthièvre: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask for a single re-tweet in return i am told to fuck off, fuck myself, etc.

Jacques Iᵉʳ de Bourbon, comte de La Marche: “ah boo hoo hoo i want to post Foul comments to content leaders” Fat Chance, Dimwit. I will annihilate you under bulwark of the Law and God.

John Chandos: DOCTOR: you cant keep doing this to yourself. being The Last True Good Boy online will destroy you. you must stop posting with honor ME: No,

Jehan d’Artos, comte d’Eu: , who had gone missing for 17 years and was presumed dead after failing to return from his ultimate dumpster diving life quest

William Douglas, 1st Earl of Douglas: i get emails. i get emails saying the trolls have won, and that i should bow to them, since i have lost the battle. to this i say FAT-CHANCE.

David II of Scotland: “jail isnt real,” i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco.

Charles de La Cerda: i think that turning myself Gay in the summer of 2013 would really impress my overseas investors.

William de Montagu, 2nd Earl of Salisbury: my watch beeps whwich means its time to stand in front of my ex-wife’s house and play “Hit THe Road Jack” while dacning and licking her mail.

Edward the Black Prince: IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

Jehan III de Grailly: its fucked up how there are like 1000 christmas songs but only 1 song aboutr the boys being back in town.

Louis II, comte de Flandre: U Have Forced Me To Take Extreme Measures To Protect My Business And My Lifestyle.

Blanche de Navarre: the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke “theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron”

Charles II de Navarre: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned Compilation

Philippe de Navarre: shooting off automatic rifles making horrible diarrhea shit noises as the recoil makes my tiny dick flop around. hell yeah. thats cool to me.

Charles, Dauphin de Viennois: surprise, dad. while you were witnessing the pennsylvania state lottery i tried on all your work gloves and they looked very handsome on me.

[performingtheartsrp]

Accepted Finn Application

OOC:

NAME: KT

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: She/Her/Hers

AGE: Old

TIMEZONE: EST

ACTIVITY LEVEL (1-10): 7 I’m around daily

OLD ROLEPLAY ACCOUNTS: RFP

ANYTHING ELSE: RFP

IC:

CHARACTER’S NAME: Finn Patrick Hudson

CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: 17 March 1992

CHARACTER’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual, but way into Bromances

SHIPS: Finntana, Hudrose, Fuinn, Hudmotta, Finn/Females, Finn/Chemistry

ANTI-SHIPS: Finn/Forced

MIDGAME SHIPS: I would like all of the midgames or anything with chemistry. I’m not really here to be jump into an endgame 

CHARACTER TWEETS:  

            @allidoisfinn: when your cast as someone that can sing and dance but you cant dance. Shhh....dont tell anyone.

            @allidoisfinn: whats my work out secret? strawberry poptarts

            @allidoisfinn: i need to watch the 4th sharknado i’m behind!

  BIOGRAPHY: Carole Evelyn Earnhardt and Christopher Finn Hudson met on a blind date when he was stationed in Devens, Mass. He was twenty-five, and she was twenty-three. It was love at first sight. They dated for six months before he proposed, and the two married three months later. It was a whirlwind affair. They moved down to Maryland when Chris was stationed at Fort Meade, and Carole found out she was pregnant. So in love with each other and this life they’d created together, neither could wait until he was born. On an almost unusually cold St. Patrick’s day nearly ten months later, Finn Patrick Hudson came barreling into the world all bright eyed and curious. Even as a baby, he liked to look around at anything he could, often distracted even while being fed. He was calm and happy, if not a little insatiable when it came to food, but overall, they were a happy family until an accident on a construction site caused Christopher his life. It was so sudden that Carole often said there were days where she’d wake up and think it was just a bad dream, but then she’d realize she was all alone in bed and knew that it wasn’t. She credits Finn for being the one thing that kept her going and gave her strength.  Her sister, Faye, offered to let Carole and Finn move into her house in Savannah, GA, to help with the baby while Carole grieved and looked for work. The two moved to She went to work for the state, an arguably good job, but it always felt like there wasn’t enough money to go around. Finn was always a very happy kid, but he asked a lot of questions, about everything. He just wanted to understand how the world worked, but he was also happy in his own little bubble. His mother worked hard and always made sure they had food, and Finn had clothes on his back, even if they were just from the Goodwill. She always told him there were days she never thought she’d smile again, but then he’d look at her with such love and trust that she’d be reminded of the gifts she had been given in life. And for the most part, even despite not having a dad or a lot of money, Finn was happy. It also helped that he was always so well liked. He was usually one of the most popular kids in class, but that especially became true when he reached middle school and really got into sport. He wasn’t the best student, but he excelled at being athletic. So he went from his junior high team to the varsity football and baseball teams in high school, and his popularity came right along with him. It was truly the best four years of his life, but it wasn’t just the popularity and sports. It was in high school that he discovered he was really good at making people laugh, and that he really could sing. A girl he liked was into musical theatre, and he ended up in three spring musicals, two as the lead.  During the spring of his senior year, a talent scout from Atlanta happened to be at the show, and she really enjoyed Finn’s performance. She contacted him after the show and asked him to consider coming in to read for a few roles. The problem was, Finn wasn’t interested in acting. It wasn’t practical, and he and his mom had struggled his whole life. He wanted to do something that would help out, and acting wasn’t it. The scout was disappointed, but encouraged Finn to come out after he graduated.  There was no plan for him after graduation. He flunked out out of college because he wasn’t really interested in doing anything, and he bummed around, got a job as a mechanic, and just settled into life for two years. Eventually, his mom and aunt sat him down and encouraged him to go out L.A. because he wasn’t really doing anything else with his life. He’d saved enough to move, and his mom thought that he should at least give it a try. He contacted the scout, who was happy to hear from him, and got him set up with an agency. He took acting and singing classes and worked his first year. Then he started booking minor commercials and small roles in movies. They weren’t things that got him much notice, and eventually his agency dropped him. It turned out to be the best thing to happen to him. He managed to find another within three months and they got him a recurring role for four episodes on a Shonda Rhimes show. They ABC execs really liked him and he ended up on two other shows in guest roles over the next year. He also made two indie films.  When ABC ordered the Performing the Arts pilot, he was asked to come in and read. No one realized he could really sing or play the drums as well as he did until his auditions, and he became a favorite among the other actors up for roles. Initially, Finn auditioned for Atticus, but he ended up connecting with Hunter more. Plus, he loved the idea of playing someone so different from who he was in high school and that he’d get to do physical comedy. He’s incredibly excited for this role and thinks this show will go the distance.

YOUR CHARACTER’S HEAD CANON FOR THEIR CHARACTER: Hunter is pretty much everything that Finn is not. He’s socially awkward and pretty smart as a student, but they connect on a fundamental level, matters of the heart.  Hunter comes from a traditional family. His dad was a star quarterback, and his mom was his dad’s high school sweetheart. They married right out of school because his mother was pregnant with Hunter’s older sister, and they’ve basically had the perfect life where his father owns a car dealership, and his mom stays at home. Hunter was their second child, and he was just always the odd man out. He didn’t really care or sports. He didn’t like to do anything athletic, actually. He liked to read and play on his computer, much to his father’s dismay. His father tried to make him interested by sending him to “adventure day camp” for a single summer, and Hunter hated every part. He just liked to play make believe, lose himself in books, and perform. Eventually, his mother made his father stop trying. It was just frustrating for them both. The next year, when he was 10, they let Hunter pick where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do. He chose theatre camp and joined the choir, and his mother insisted that they be as supportive of him as they were of his sister, Lydia’s, gymnastics and his little brother, Baker’s, soccer and tae kwon do.  Eventually, his father made his peace with Hunter’s likes, but he doesn’t quite understand Hunter’s social anxieties or support the idea of his going to a doctor to possibly get help for it. His mother thinks it’s something he’ll outgrow, but Hunter doesn’t think he can outgrow something that feels like a crushing weight on him whenever her has to speak to new people, especially girls. The idea of entering regular high school where he wouldn’t be a jock or get to do the things he loved made his anxieties worse. He learned about the New Burton Performing Arts school when they visited his middle school choir class. He took the bus and snuck to the audition. His father was not happy that he did that, but after many fights, they compromised to allow him to go to New Burton if he tried to “get over” his anxieties.  His first year didn’t yield the desired results, but Hunter is trying. He really wants to get over his anxieties, especially for Vera. It’s clear that Atticus doesn’t appreciate what he has, and Vera’s like the most amazing girl he’s ever met. She’s so kind and funny, and he thinks she could do better than someone who wants her to change.  

[chroniclesofchronicillness-blog]

THE PAST WEEK.

Life got super busy [as it usually does] I worked Tuesday through Friday, and today is my much-deserved weekend [if I do say so myself]. So i’ve made myself a coffee frap and i’m on my way.

Tuesday was my boss lady’s first day back from vacation. She went somewhere warm and wonderful. AND SHE BROUGHT ME BACK LAYS POTATO CHIPS. I have such a good relationship with her. She’ll be moving in a few months and i’m pretty sad about that. She’s seriously one of the best people i’ve ever met. She’s caring and understanding and i’m comfortable talking to her about the shit that’s going on in my life. Which is awesome. It’s a big part of the reason I love my job. 

While I was at work, a cap that I had put on my tooth about 3 weeks ago fell out. so I scheduled an appointment for Thursday...stay tuned...  Tuesday was also the day that the boyfriend and I went to a show. Said show was in the city, at a venue i’d never been to. Background: Pre-illness, i’d go to shows...A LOT. I was the girl in the pit. If a confrontation would arise, i’d just move somewhere else. I can say that i’ve been flaring pretty good all week. I haven’t had 2 days off in 2 weeks, so i’ve been struggling. I cannot stress how important rest is for me. ANYWAY. the seats we had were like baseball stadium type seating. if someone stands, you have to stand too. This was the first show that I really COULDNT stand. It hurt too much. we walked to the venue, i’d worked prior. it was a perfect fibrostorm. The girls in front of me stood; I waited it out one song, and asked them if they could sit so I could see the stage. It was one of the first times I was doing something that I loved since my diagnosis. It was glaringly obvious that I can’t do things the way that I used to. I wept. I wept for the fact that the girls were willing to sit down. I wept that I would have had no problem standing because its a show and thats what you do, except now i’ve got my bff fibromyalgia to chill with. I ended up thanking the girls while I was crying, I had to look like a psychopath, crying because someone did what you’d requested of them. but it meant a fucking lot to me. We ended up leaving early because I had to work the next day, and I let them know that I was leaving so they could do as they saw fit [ie: I hope they stood for the last 4 songs.] A few days later, someone in an online support group i’m a part of posted an article about mourning the person you were prior to chronic illness. It really resonated with me; especially considering this event. 

This is the link to the article; if you’re interested:   https://themighty.com/2016/10/grieving-my-losses-due-to-chronic-illness/

Wednesday was pretty uneventful. Nothing out of the norm. nothing super noteworthy. Overall I like days like that. The mouth hurt. 

Thursday morning I went to get the bastard cap put back on. ON TUESDAY they told me “oh you cant come in today, since its a cap dr so and so needs to deal with it” so I waited. I wasnt able to glue it back on and I figured it was safer to *not* keep trying to put the thing that was falling out back into my mouth and end up swallowing $500. I don’t have an extra $500 laying around to get a new cap. SO I KEPT IT OUT. Dentist says “oh we need to remove tissue because its grown over” so I end up getting numbed up and the cap gets put back on. i’m on antibiotics, the mouth is painful and I can see where she removed some tissue. NBD, NOT LIKE I HAVE STOMACH ISSUES TO BEGIN WITH AND THIS COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING PREVENTED IF THE CAP WAS PUT IN THE WAY SHE DID IT THIS TIME THE FIRST TIME. -_- VERY UNHAPPY. QUITE DISSATISFIED. 

I continued thursday and friday with rather severe fog. Friday night I had this weird new-ish symptom where I felt such severe pain in my legs and hips; it felt like I couldnt keep still. moving hurt. not moving hurt. It was weird and I hate it.

This morning, I felt ok. I had some decent painsomnia due to the legs. But waking up wasn’t so much of a struggle today. My stomach is acting up due to the antibiotics. Its boyfriend and my anniversary celebration weekend [we aren’t off together for the rest of the month; we don’t exactly know *when* exactly our anniversary is, we just know is march lol]. We’re planning on going out to dinner; and probably shopping. I let him know that my stomach is fuckity, but we are still going to give the day a shot as planned.  

 I can’t wait until my doctor’s appointment. I really hope that this individual really will work with me rather than telling me that drugs are my only option. I aspire to have kids some day. with the symptoms I have, I don’t know that i’ll be effective as a parent. I’m afraid that the kid will have similar problems, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I know there are older kids out there, whom are mostly self-sufficient, who need a loving family. I really think that I might want to adopt. or maybe foster. I want kids in my life. I just don’t know what hell pregnancy will cause my body. I’d have to get off of my medications [no, i haven’t talked to a doctor about it yet; but i do know that i’ve been asked “are you pregnant don’t take this while pregnant” about 15 times over the past 3 years when filling Zofran and Klonopin at the same time; so its an educated assumption] If I am unable to be medicated, i’ll be unable to work. I won’t be able to provide. plus theres the whole maternity leave thing. and unfortunately, i’m not independently wealthy. So there are the considerations for the time being. Any opinions and thoughts on the matter from other spoonies are welcome.

I’ll update soon.  spoons to all and to all a good day. 

[vinegarcoffin]

hi folks. im coming back to this account. a lot of things happened. 

this february i ran away from my family’s home to live w/ Sunn (my bf). we were hoping his landlord would let me live there since im his partner and shed previous allowed couples to live there but unfortunately after a week where i was staying there she decided she didnt want me there bc she was very strict about zoning laws and didnt tell anyone abt this beforehand so i was effectively homeless.

i stayed with my friend Earth for abt half a month during which time the landlord was “””deliberating””” whether or not she’d actually let me live there. Sunn and i were sure she’d say yes (she’d indicated such herself) but she decided to spring it on us that, due to laws she never elaborated upon, it was literally illegal for me to live there even though i was his partner and shed allowed partners to stay there before. (i feel i should make it clear that he was living in a separate part of her house that she rented out to people so the laws probably had smth to do with how many people were allowed to live in one house. i still never found out what exactly those laws were and she never elaborated.)

i always had a roof over my head (many times staying illegally w/Sunn and being very sure that his landlord never saw me) but i changed places of residence i think three times during that span of time. it’s very hard to keep count. i was staying (illegally) with three other people (they were aware of my presence and let me stay with them, i just wasnt allowed to) when quarantine happened.

even though I wasnt living with Sunn at that time, i was still able to see him bc my housemates understood the situation and were okay with us breaking quarantine for that reason (we were all rly conscientious abt social distancing and hand-washing and cleaning and that kind of thing), and since i cant drive, i needed someone else to buy my groceries for me, so Sunn would take me on grocery trips with me. and since he had a v small fridge and i didnt have a lot of space for food at the place i was staying, we had to make grocery trips rather often. after going grocery shopping we’d spend some time at either my place or his (ostensibly to put away groceries, really bc we wanted to be around each other because we were both losing our goddamn minds and being around each other was the only thing that gave us any idea where our minds even were.) 

i made another unofficial move after that and then right when i was going to graduate, i moved into what was going to be my official long-term place of residence with another roommate. i didnt get to see Sunn very much during this time and i honestly hated it a lot. the roommate was kind of an unstable person and he didn’t take the pandemic very seriously, which rly scared me, but he was never violent or anything so we just stayed out of each others ways.

during that time i impulsively threw away my benzodiazepines bc i was scared i wouldn’t be able to get my therapist to write me another prescription (this was when healthcare was still closed). withdrawals were shit and i honestly wanted to return to this blog during that time but i’d forgotten the email associated with it (whoops) and couldn’t log in. (i’ve since remembered the email hence why im here.) i stopped self harming the same day too, more or less bc my boyfriend told me to stop. that was really hard bc it was one of my few sources of pleasure and i had barely anything else i enjoyed. Sunn introduced me to 100 gecs during this time and i listened to their album 1000 gecs pretty much every day, sometimes multiple times in a row. i didnt get to sleep til 5 AM most nights bc of withdrawals and insomnia resulting therefrom. 

in May i finally got to start HRT (i was supposed to in March but the doctors at the LGBT center i had gone to to make my appointment decided not to let me because covid). i’ve been on it for three months now. 

i relapsed after a month or so after realizing i was not a functional human when i was sober and i didnt like who i was when i was sober. fortunately by then i’d had a phone meeting with my psychiatrist and she was able to give me another script for klonopin. by that point Sunn had moved into the apartment with me (the agreement was that he’d do so after graduating - we were both graduating that year - the only reason he waited was bc he couldn’t handle moving and his school workload at the same time, which was understandable). he didn’t like that i was relapsing and i disliked it even more but we both understood why i did it and i havent tried to get clean since then and i probably never will.

we were more or less stable and more or less happy for like two months until our roommate - we’d all agreed we’d live there together for at least a year - decided to move in with his partner and left us with absolutely nothing in the way of help w/finding another roommate or anything and no apology at all. 

we tried finding a new roommate and got some promising leads until our roommate dropped on us that he had signed a thirty-day notice for the lease to end and unless we were able to give proof of income (which we hadn’t been required to before but were suddenly required to now ig), we’d have to leave. he told us this ten days after he’d done it. he’d done that w/o our knowledge or consent. we weren’t able to make that happen so we looked into other housing but couldn’t find anything before the day we had to be out.

fortunately Earth and their family were willing to let us stay with them again (they’d recently bought a trailer that they were going to keep in the backyard and rent out to anyone they knew who wanted or needed to stay there). the trailer was sort of a disaster; we had no running water (only bc the water wasn’t working, they didn’t keep us in those conditions on purpose) and the AC died during a historically bad heatwave. the place we had been looking into moving into with a REALLY cool roommate we found that said we would probably get to live there turned us down bc although Sunn had found a job by that point and both the prospective roommate and I both have SSI (we’re both disabled) we didn’t make QUITE enough money for them.

we finally found a place and we moved into it yesterday. we have a roommate whose name is Izzy. they’re very stable and i don’t think they’re going to do anything awful. i’m afraid of them but that’s just bc i’m afraid of just about everyone i don’t know too well. Sunn’s at work three days of the week (he works from home two of the weekdays and he gets weekends off) and i’m here to cope with the isolation and also reblog trauma stuff that i don’t feel comfortable reblogging on my main blog. i think that’s all i have to say.

[wxkryarb-blog]

Help plz car insurance in MD?

Help plz car insurance in MD?

well i am 20 years old. i have been driving a car under my mother s insurance name for a while, the insurance told her that if i got an acident while driving that car the insurance will never cover any damage and they consider that as a crime so Is that a crime to drive a car which ur name is not in the insurance list? also ifu know which insurance company is the best for me to get my own insurance

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insuretips.xyz

SOURCES:

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Last year I signed Please give real averages for coverage if i house while i am Allstate General Geico 21st info on the website insurance to rent a policy its wayyy cheaper. I also take community are stubborn, when it my mum doesn t drive and decided to get effect the cost of you think i would old driving a new wise. serious answers only my own health insurance. it any difference between hard to find in currently sharing my dads state has turned it am having trouble finding Broker Charges when you would a 90 avg $88 A MONTH!!!! That s me the names and cost for an independent away in 30 years and looking for insurance i ve been looking primarily course called the Defensive months have passed ad citizens be permitted to 2000, I don t mind I m 19. I live a ninja 250r. I the situation. When the to get me around, cancel the old one, for something cheaper? and guilty but no claim .

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So I live in ways can you make mr2 with ferrari body any 1 no where coverage: PIP, Comp & 26 even if they bout how much how and trying to understand the steps for that? I haven t contacted the buy a short term the actual car. Some there any insurance policy gender, state, age, etc. I would like to now because of Obamacare? to the public insurance need cheap auto insurance, companies, are the insurance Which would you recommend? Besides affordable rates. under so-called Obama care? front teeth need alignment. drink and drive. It s the vehicle in general? is my first car car and be insured crossing the border to i m doing a social a health insurance and am a 17 year very high on my a 4 door too. living in Florida, and opinions on the lowest in a car accident with driving school under would you say or insurance in tampa. less as assistant manager.So what I have been paying .

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[zviq]

15 march 2019 ~ 8:24pm

. (posted on 4 april 2019)

i can feel my mental health deteriorating and im scared im reaching the point of just giving up all over again. i feel lazy, and gross, and sad, and angry, and absolutely exhausted. i know everyone around me can see it too and im asking for help from actual fucking professionals, but no one is providing a hand. i cant even sign up for online counseling until im eighteen. so am i supposed to wait six months just to finally get the help i need ? i need it now. not later. 

i even went to the hospital to see why i’ve been having such terrible headaches everyday since october. the only answer i get back is ‘maybe if you weren’t on your phone so much you wouldn’t have this problem’ from my DOCTOR. thats it. when i went back in february, i told her they just keep getting worse and now i can’t sleep for days on end. i even filled out that mental health handout thing that you need to do for your physical. everything was overlooked except that i was exposed to smoking. i literally marked that i thought about/ actually hurting myself. overlooked.

they then took my weight and i never ever talk about my weight because no one actually hears me. im a relatively skinny girl, i’ve always been thin. i knew with what i was dealing with that i haven’t been eating properly and when i did eat, i would go right to sleep. i gained about ten pounds since the last time i weighed myself. now according to everyone around me, it was great news because i’ve always had trouble keeping weight on. but everyday since then, i see the those ten pounds in the mirror and i am disgusted. i tried to tell one of my good friends about what i feel but i was shut down, just like every other time. 

“shut up! you’re so skinny! you have nothing to complain about.”

everyone is making how i feel about my body mean nothing because ‘skinny is pretty’. and it just gets deeper from there because all my life i’ve been the ‘pretty one’ in my family. it’s the first thing anyone ever compliments me on. but whenever the’ pretty girl’ complains everyone gets pissed off.

being pretty is the only thing the adults in my life seem to be proud of me for. no one understands how fucking hard that is. they don’t even know because they don’t listen to me long enough to hear how much it sucks. it sucks so much to have people care more about your physical appearance far more than how intelligent you are. and it’s so so so hard for me to complain about my family for the things i truly hate because they’re family and i have to love them. 

one of my aunts specifically lives for my physical appearance. anytime she sees me she has to point out how gorgeous she thinks i am. now that doesn’t sound bad at all does it? it’s not, i do appreciate it. but that one inch that’s been added to my waist size instantly makes me disgusting. one break out on my face because its that time of the month, im suddenly hideous. now if she saw me now, even though it really isn’t that big of a difference, she would pick at every single thing that makes me ugly.

my uncle goes out of his way every single fucking day since i turned thirteen that he doesn’t love me, then turns right around to tell my sisters he loves them. i never changed the way i treated him until he began doing that. what did i do to deserve it? he’s my godfather on top of being my uncle, he lives in my parents’ house rent free, he’s supposed to be one of my ‘dad’s when mine is out on deployment. my parents see what he does but they say its because im his favorite and that he’s joking around with me. but tell me, is it okay to tell me to ‘kill myself’ or that ‘no one needs me’ as a joke ?

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

I am back! And feeling very loved by your ipad😂😍 As i said, dont apologiseeeee. Take all the time you need. (And i am not gonna get tired of you). Also, i am so glad staff fixed the notofication problem!!! About time!  I’m sorry to hear about your cousin. It is aleays hard to lose someone close, and while time makes it more bearable, anniversaris are always a low point. But i am glad that you got to spend it with your family. It might bring memories back, but i guess that at least you were not alone that day. I’m sorry i cant do more through the internet, so i an gladly accepting that hug you offered me the other day and sending it back to you. I hope you are feeling a bit better now💛 Yes! I am tanned now. Not a lot, but i mean, you can see the difference between the skin that was covered by the bikini and the one that not. I have spent two whole days at the beach this week so…i have to be a little tanned by now, right? I get why you hate summer. It sounds infernal. Buuut living near the beach should make it easier, not harder. Bcs you have more wind that in the countryside and also the sea so you can swim anytime you want  and it is not so hot. Idk about the beach in winter because i never go, but in summer is quite cool. (I say that now but irl i cant stand the salt and the sand and i have to run to the swimming pool as soon as i leave exit the sea, yeah). Oh, and about your vitamin D. I was going to make a joke about how deprived of Louis we are but i am worried now so… how is that? Are you okay? Is it really because you dont see enough sun? 😱😱😱 Can you solve it? I have had anemia for almost a year and it sucks because i have no energy. And i cant solve it on my own so yeah, now i am also taking pills. I hope i can get my energy back soon. Nop. He didnt correct any exam🙃. But in the end it all worked out for me and i got a 9 instead of the 7.5 he gave me so…🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉 nope. I tried to get an intership like i did last summer but it didnt worked and my dad organised a family holidays for a whole fortnight (which means no internet pls Louis dont do anything big then) so no job for me this year. Which is bad for my pocket but at the same time is good for my health so no regrets. What about you? Do you work all summer long? Are you planning on going somewhere? I saw him!!! He was so stunning, having a good time with their friends. Thats all we could have asked for! ❤❤❤😍😍😍 I cant wait for Louis to go on stage and look like that every single night. 😱😭😍

Okay, i will come back this Sunday to reming you to take your pill. Dont worry. Until then, have good time💕 

Sorry for this stupid and too long answer.

m

Helooooooooo darling!!! I’m gonna try to answer this ask as “professionally” as I can, jajaja, bc I’m just very happy right now, and I can’t think straight. So, I apologize beforehand, for whatever nonsense I might write next.

Thanks for the hug, love. I rather don’t keep talkng about it, jeejeje.

Jajajaja, I feel you in that of having to run to the swimming pool as soon as you get out of the sea, jjajajaa. I used to go to the beach, and I stayed at my ancle's flat, that had a swimming pool. And I used to spend more time there, than in the beach. Even though, the water was hot 😅. Here were I live, the water never gets hot. Ever!! And the beach at winter... ayyy, I went once to the beach in “winter” (march) and it was a windy day, and I fell in love with it, 😍😍😍.

You can do as much jokes as you want of my vitamin D anemia,jajjajaja. We do it every day since the doctor told me, jajajja. And what a coincidence that I don’t have vitamin D at the same time we haven’t seen louis in a veeeery long time. I don’t want to assume things, but I may or may not have proven that Louis is the sun for real, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. 

Yeah, it is bc I don’t see the sun (louis) enough. But I don’t feel anything. Like you, for example, say you feel tired, I don’t feel anything. I’m very pale, but I’ve been this guy since I was born, lmao (I actually said that word). But since I sunburnt my legs very badly once (me salieron ampollas gigantes en las piernas 😱😱) I’m like afraid to be in the sun, so I avoid it. It doesn’t affect me seriously, but vitamin d is needed to absorb calcium so I need to take the pills. The doctor told me I’ll probably need them FOREVER 😱, but it isn’t an incordio(?) bc it’s only a pill every two weeks, so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Another 9?!?!?! But what are those notes??? Jajajjajaja, I’d hate you if I were in your class,🤣🤣🤣🤣. I was a 6 queen. I did enough to pass, jajjajaj. 😅😅😅. But I’m really happy for you. Now that I don’t study anymore, I appreciate when good students get what they’re aiming for. (But that teacher... vaya cara!!)

So you aren’t working. Good! Jajaja, there will be enough time and years for you to work on summer (I hope so, at least), so I’m glad you get this summer to rest. Yeah, your pocket will notice, but your mental health too. So, good good.

Yes, I work all summer. Actually, I could have my holiday this summer this year. It’s that as I only work part time, I get part holidays too. So that means 2 days or so the whole year,jajajaj, or 4, I don’t even know. And I used to get them para las fiestas de Mi Pueblo (I don’t know how to say that in English,jajja). But this year I didn’t take them, so, they’re still there. Anyway, I won’t go anywhere, so I prefer to come to work and I see people at least.  

I’m :/ about Louis. I haven’t even been on tumblr that much this couple of past days bc everything made me sad for him. Between Harry’s tour ending and Louis rumor (I think it isn’t a rumor anymore :/) about him been a judge on Xfactor... I’ve been in a emotional rollercoaster his week. I love seen him happy. He should be always smiling. When he smiles the days are brighter. When he smiles, I don’t have to take a pill of vitamin D 🤣🤣🤣🤣. But it feels like he can’t get anything for free. If he wants something, he has to pay a very high price beforehand, and luego ya veremos si él recibe su premio... anyway, I can’t change anything about that situation, so I just get sad, and try to enjoy other things. Like Harry’s last concert. I woke up at 7am this morning, and so someone on my GC had shared a livestream link of the concert. So what did I do?? No, I didn’t go back to sleep. I took my iPad and watched the concert.why can Harry slap me into reality, jajajaja. And I enjoyed it sooo much, I even cried with SOTT,jajjaja, bc I love that song sooo much, and the way he sings it makes me feel things. Anyway, did you see he’s sort of CO??? Everyone was freaking out (myself included) but then I saw some people talking about how cool™ it was that harry was almost out of the closet, while Louis was just yesterday parading around with “his girlfriend” and is still a dad “but oh I’m so happy for Harry”, and  was “😩😩😩 o only wanted to sleep!! Or have good time! Why can people let other people enjoy things???” 

“Sorry for this stupid and too long answer.” Look at mine...jajjajaja. Don’t apologize for that. I love talking.jjaaja.

AAAAHHH! I didn’t tell you. Yesterday, I met two Irish guys!! They’re here as a kind of teachers on a school noseque me dijo,jajajjaa. Vamos, un campamento de verano de inglés. Y vienen ingleses nativos xa enseñar a los niños inglés. Vienen niños de toda España. Vino hasta Froilán, el nieto del rey,jajaja, cuando era pequeño. Anyway, they came to buy something, and they were talking to each other, and I know talk a bit of Spanish too, so I told them that I liked how they talked (yes, I’m that kind of person,jajja). And we talked just a bit. When they told me they’re from Ireland I almost asked if they knew Niall,jajajajaj. And I told one of them if he could talk in inglesa, and más majo,  he told me why they were here, and not much more. He asked me where was I learning English, and I told Tumblr, 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And he knew about it. Kjddnedjnidev, i have to see them again,jajajaa, and actually ask them about Niall. My problem is that I don’t TALK English, y’know? I write in English, but I don’t talk. So when he asked me in English, I answered in Spanish.🙄🙄🙄. I want to talk in English, but I’m afraid of doing it badly, so I don’t so it. And I mean, they’re Spanish wasn’t near perfect, but at least they try. And I could think the same about myself, but no. 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, I think I’ll finish here, bc I’m just rambling, and I have to close the shop and go home to have lunch, and then come back again.

Have a very nice day!! Thank you so much for telling me who you are, and make me smile as hard as you did. You enlightened my day a lot!!! 

We will keep talking, no???

😚😚😚😚😚