#cant fucking breathe bc if i do ill end up crying and i dont have fucking time for that bc i need to do school so i can do lunch with a f

[theonlythingimfuckingisstupid]

not okay 

[systems-overloaded]

wanted to use aac some today, downloaded an app, and tried to customize some. was able to use it in the car with my mom, but felt too nervous to use it with a worker at a store when i asked for bathroom code.

then got all overwhelmed when in the store, and asked my mom to pick me up, and then she parked the car like LITERALLY half way out of the parking spot and into the street. i hate when she does stuff like that. i didnt have a pre done phrase in my text-to-speech app. so i told her verbally, "pull the car up, youre halfway in the street" and she said something but i had earplugs in, probably "its fine, ill just be here for a minute", and i was already unraveling at this point, prior to this type of anxiety-panic-stressor, and said "no, pull the car up, youre halfways in the fucking street and you know i cant handle that" then she just ignores that, and asks other questions about where were going next or whats the plan and now im super stressed and on the verge of full on melting down. so i end up forcing out something like "idk you need to pull the fucking car up its rude as hell and i cant fucking think, just pull the car into the fucking parking spot". and shes like "right now?" like shes so confused about it. and im forcing out a yes, feeling like each word is literally causing doom and actual pain sensations throughout my body. (often trying to talk doesnt work well. it feels like i cant control my muscles or my mouth, and nails are being scraped throughout my nervous system. the whole body, from the inside out, just like slicing open my nerves in a literal sense. sometimes i actually end up vomiting, often just into my mouth but sometimes full on, because what i assume is a mix of nausea, pain, and physically forcing air out of my body so hard to get words out) and she finally pulled the car up into the parking spot.

i took some deep breathes and realized our previous plans are done, no way can i handle that. i need to just go home.

its so hard, i just... im overwhelmed still, injured myself with my fingernails unfortunately, but im breathing a bit better, and were on the way home. but i also just feel so tired and exhausted and honestly depressed. why do i even speak, put all this effort info communication, if its not even heard, if im not even recieved?

even outside of this exact interaction, ill speak and itll be so hard, but i put in that effort you know? and then she wont hear me, and ill have to try and repeat it and then she still wont, so then after sometimes repeating it 2-3 times, forcing words out, and sometimes deadass almost externally crying, i end up basically yelling it, bc i cant speak it again, so i just need to be loud so i dont have to try and repeat again (sometimes it not a conscious thing but i do it for that reason, and sometimes its because i just cant control the volume of my voice and am acutely stressed as fuck). and then she gets upset i raised my voice, but thats the only way i can get her to hear it. and if i just yell outta no where, or come across certain ways when im having meltdowns i absolutely apologize later and try to explain, so intents are understood. but i feel something not-good (unsure exact feeling) about when she acts all offended that i raise my volume when ive already repeated sometimes 2-3 times increasingly getting louder, and she said she couldnt hear me????? like WHAT, shell literally ask me each time to be louder, and i get louder?? (sometimes i cant and i just give up or shake my head and end up trying to text her or something but ugh. and even then, she often doesnt look at her phone or read her texts, or she reads and forgets and im just so tired)

other times it just seems like... ill speak, and shell say something back that matches, but then shell either have not processed it at all, or forgetton immediately or something. and it feels like i wasted so much (very precious and very limited) energy, and i just caused percieved/felt damage to my mind/body, to speak because thats the only way ill be heard... and then to still not be heard.

i dont think shes doing it on purpose. i think she has ADHD with some autistic traits (like having "broader autistic phenotype" but not being autistic), and that she probably has auditory processing issues she doesnt fully realise, or her brain is just scattered everywhere often. (some alters who are more detached to her, and view her as a woman who lives with us, rather than a mom or even someone weve known all our lives, literally call her "ditsy" and "scatterbrain". which... rude for sure, but not inaccurate.)

i guess this is just a vent blog now huh? i dont have anyone else to say this too, alters pulled us out of therapy, and i dont have money for a new one right now, nor would many-within agree to it.

im so tired. im so done, i just want to be at peace. theres this tangled up ball of pain deep in my chest, aching and bursting and all pulling at each others wounds, and it physically hurts, like strong chest pains. and it feels like im about to simultaneously cry, vomit, and choke, while having both a partial seizure, as well as physically twitching in ways that could be a PNES. i just wanna rest and be done and be at peace and not be constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed.

i have sensory meltdowns and shutdowns almost everyday, from simply within my own bedroom. i really cant handle this, and i dont know how to manage it.

[sereniv]

its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

[iconsumeheadcanons]

this is just off the top of my head, but i wanted to classify diegos stutters (like the 3 times in the show?). im studying speech lang pathology and i got a lot of speech/lang difficulties so this is a mix of my own and others experiences, but also take this with a grain of salt

this is mostly an infodump, but also a way to let fans know that there are many forms of stuttering, not just repetitions

tldr: his main stutters are frontal repetitions, blocks, and elongations

1. so ill start with the flashback before a mission where he kinda jumps from shouting ‘normally’ then stands in front of that green mirror to practice his battle catchphrase 🥺 

i cant remember what he was saying AAAAAA i just, remember the sounds in the back of my brain. in this scene he is doing a mix of repetitions (likely bc hes practicing) and elongation.

im sure yall picked up on the situational set off for diego’s stutters, so i’ll point out here that he wasnt struggling with speech until he was alone and faced himself in the mirror. i’m sure in his head he heard reginald berating him, or villains and even his siblings making fun of him. every kid in that house def experiences some form of self-loathing, and until grace came to remind him and care for him, his stutters/anxieties were strong.

diego probably had more of these stutters regularly when he little, but grace likely worked with him often until his stuttering became a sign of stress. more awareness means more frustration :(

this can be written like “I-eyeeeeeeeuh-I wuh-want that knife.” just sorta sound the words out on your own and try to write that sound until the word is complete/dropped out.

2. shutting off grace/(patch dying??) :’(((

here, he has some of his usual fronting repetitions, but here, perhaps because the pure emotional reckoning hes experiencing, he is strongly producing blocks. he has large gaps in his words and he seems to struggle to move his body regularly in these scenes(i think? oh gosh). his breath kinda dies out after each word--which is emotional distress, but can also be caused from struggling to get a fucking word out and your air just keeps going off to superhell :/

when he was younger, im sure these blocks manifested when he was trying not to cry or when hes pissed. he mightve developed blocks after repetitions and elongations had been solidified parts of his speech

writers usually get this kinda thing down with splicing the quotation marks, but i guess to empathize the speech difference you can do, “It’s gon--ing to buh-be--o-o-okuh--kay.” which is kinda excessive, but bro this is how i hear myself every single time :( find a way to mark the end of a sound block basically

3. season 2 at the dinner table

reginald performs oscar-worthy rant of a despicable pre-dad-dad and diego actually cries here so >:(((((

“yor-ye-you’re--wr-wronggggguh

obviously upset, so we can expect blocks and his usual frontal reps, so this isnt much different from number 2 (ha). i think he elongates he as well bc hes trying to talk back to reg. but i wanted to highlight the way you could see his mouth struggle and contort around the sounds he couldn’t make. this manifestation of his distress can be compared to stimming or even moving around to distract from pain, both of which are actions that can be done to metaphorically whatever bad vibes are going on.

so basically help this dude. yo KNOW reg was ableist as shit, so you can bet reggie being an ass to diego can bring out multiple stutters (and maybe even tics)  whether or not either of them want that.

to add more than just speech difficulties in writing/medium, add descriptive words and repetitive/recognizable habits associated w the stutter. maybe someone taps their fingers or waves their hands for the syllables, maybe they frown or get disappointed or try to force their mouth into a more speech productive shape. personally, i have to draw graphs in the air to sound out words with multiple consonants in a row(which is not a stutter diego seems to have). i draw a ‘v’ in the air to say “si-ix-th”, otherwise i get stuck with “si-si-suh-si-susth place”

Bonus!!: you can even add other speech difficulties like switching syllables (caterpillar->callapiter), mispronunciations (harold jenkins->gerald genkins), volume regulation (diego always gets whispery when he stutters), dropoff sounds and interjections (too many ‘uh’s and running-guh.), and many other things. this is definitely SLP heavy bc everyone does some of this when they speak, but i think at the right moments that empathsis on these traits can reveal the emotional state of the character. prolly dont do this everytime (@myself lol)

[rookiesbookies]

Nsfw Head-canons -Brothers

Lucifer:

-Gentle but will push anyone’s limits

-prefers to hit it from the back over a desk, but understands thats not always possible or wanted

-this mf is smirking the whole time at you

-after care is 10/10 tho bc he’s got the best bathroom in the house (no matter what asmo says😂)

-you will smell like his... essence by the end

-might let you top every once in a while but even if you do something like ride him he has to be sitting up even just a little bit

-hes prideful ass wont let him be a bottom even for a second

-is your Lucifer up to his horns in work?

-literally just fling your underwear at him

-he’d shoot up and give you the ... attention you need faster than you can say “Satan gotta cat”

-I cannot yell “FLOGGER” louder

-BDSM if there ever was such

Mammon:

-sweet baby is so scared of hurting anyone

-likes to hold hands

-doesnt always like to be looked at tho, depending on the mood

-switch leans for bottom tho

-probably usually is the one needing aftercare

-probably apologizing if he did something wrong

-he’s mind can not handle pleasure

-like you’d be blowing him and he’d be squirming and like tearing up

-oh imagine pointing out that the marks point down

-“what do ya mean- they’r’ pointin there...”

-VERY LOUD

-YOU PROBABLY NEED TO GAG HIM SO THE HOUSE DOESNT SHAKE

-EVEN IF YOUR JUST BLOWING HIM

-praise kink

-he needs praise tho

-🥺💜💜 bb needs love

Levi:

-hates to be looked at

-“ st-stop looking at me like that normie!”

-this mf totally would call you a “normie” then

-**snake dicks**

-probably talks about a random hentai with a stupid long name when in the middle of it

-he’s LOUD

-like REALLY LOUD

-might use his tail, idk

-when Asmo brings it up Beel goes

-“Not in front of the Salad”

-if you make eye contact with him, while doing anything, he’d squirm so much

-probably needs so much praise to be reminded he’s not just a “yucky otaku”

-forked tongue

-really sensitive horns

-“I dont- fine Ill do the tongue thing from that stupid Disney Movie”

-would cover Henry 2.0 with a cloth

-bed sheets are EVERYWHERE

-hide him in his gaming chair

-probably has curtains to cover the other fish in his room so they dont see

-idk why he just is like that

Satan:

-this boi probably jumps you on the couch in the library

~~-only bc Lucifer was in his study~~

-never does it angy, the smexy times are for love

-vanilla

-gets **bite-y**

-pet kink tho

-will wear the collar but prefers you to

-switch, leaning to dom

-pet name for you is Kitty

-would totally call you “my precious kitten” too

-probably reads too much about everything having to do with this subject (also talks to Asmo too much)

-“I want to try (random position)”

-usually it doesnt work out bc for the most part he’s vanilla

-probably talks to Asmo too much about this

-probably read 50 Shades trying to understand

-probably regretted both of those

-on second thought he totally does

-sadist

-he’s a sadist

Asmo:

-owns 100% of the adult section in Akuzon

-you cant convince me otherwise

-probably balls deep at least once a week

-switchy **AF**

-breath on him and his horny

-doesnt mean he’ll be easy tho

-would make you beg

-edging bitch

-may snap sadist on you in a second

-the most fabulous aftercare

-he’s like painting your nails and shit

-massages

-too think this all started bc he caught you staring at him

-right after he asks some bullshit

-“how do bees fly- science says they shouldnt be able to”

-“these are thing you dont say after having sex”

-COWGIRL AND 69 ARE HIS FAVORITE, HAVE TO BE

Beel:

-forgive me father, Ive been a bad girl

-BUT IMAGINE THE TONGUE ON THIS SOFT BOI

-PLUS ISNT HE LIKE 6 FOOT 5

-scared of crushing you

-could fling you like a rag doll tho

-probably biggest jewels in the family

-🤠

-would accidentally over simulate someone

-probably would tell you to taste good

-needs constant reassurance

-bb boi would cry if you degraded him

-bite-y

-no cap

-doesnt leave hickies but you wake up with bite marks everywhere

-some of them drew blood bc in some of the animations he has shark teeth

-you cant walk

-and not bc he went hard

-just bc he’s THAT BIG

-I just feel like he is

-hehehe his cowboy boots in his demon form tho

-if you touched his horns he’d be so surprised

-every confused on the idea of what “Horny” is

-“ b-but im hungry... just not for food???”

-probably asked Asmo

-that was a mistake

-giving him face rubs reminding him that it doesnt hurt and your just adjusting

-tracing his tattoo is probably the cutest thing youve done after

-Asmo heard it all.

-Asmo

-heard

-it

-all

-period

-food kink

-will eat off your body

-just out food on your body and he go nom nom

Belphie:

-he’s a dom bottom

-if thats possible

-cuz he’s lazy af

-but refuses to be dominated

-always in the bed, cuz HE DOESNT LEAVE IT

-cuddles after

-“you wanted to do it in the attic for a reason didnt you.”

-just fuckin smirks at you

-bc the attic is probs above Luci’s room

-probably really kinky but just too lazy to do jack

-even tho he lazy dont mean you wont be head to toe marked up

-would rock his hip while you adjust just to see your surprised face

-lots of sucking

-idk why

-i feel like he just do

-has been the sub before

-he did not like it

-he just likes being a lazy dom

-if he tops, sheeeet is going down

-if he tops, you will never EVER walk the same again

-temple kisses reminding you you did good

-cuddles

-his pet name for you is Bear, bc your his Teddy Bear

-he fucking Koala’s you in his sleep

-and there is no escaping his grip

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 8-13 thoughts! again, under the cut bc I blew through 6 episodes in one go...

-LOVE THE WAY THE GHOST ZONE LOOKS. but theres fucking ghost cops??? ghost jail??? that SUCKS imagine dying and going to jail in your AFTERLIFE. danny going to JAIL WAS NOT something I expected. but seeing all the enemies together and work with danny to bust out. SO ICONIC I love that actually. and the thing about real world stuff acting as ghosts in the ghost zone is very cool.

-'there are some things more important that hunting ghosts!' mrs fenton says, about her husband forgetting their anaversary (FOR THE 18TH YEAR IN A ROW?? CHRIST) and not about, idk, their son clearly freaked out. she didnt even notice he was gone into the ghost zone!!! he might be a bad husband BUT shes not the best mom. they suck and I don't care about their relationship problems I care about these kids. danny doing his best to clean the house to keep his mom from getting mad at his dad?? hes such a good boy I want to cry, this is not his place, his dad should be cleaning his own shit up!!!

-maddie's butch lesbian sister is living my best life in her lil cabin. also being a snarky bitch to jack. queen. and her getting a 10th anniversary of her divorce. LOVE IT.

-mr. lancer being a cheerleader in his younger years makes perfect sense to me. king shit.

-dr. spectra's cat ears/mullet hairstyle?? sooo cute. I also just love the concept of a ghost just. sucking out people's positivity and feeding on emotions. a great villain. she put danny in a fucking diaper what the FUCK. and keeping it cold so no one would suspect shes a ghost??? INCREDIBLE. and her gay little blob sidekick. wlw mlm evil solidarity.

-JAZZ FOCUSED EP. YEAAAH!!! her first thought when she saw the ghosts was like 'omg i gotta tell danny :)' and her going to the teacher and also councilor trying to get help for him...shes just 16 but shes trying so hard to help him out :( watching this when youre younger I can imagine ppl are like omg annoying!! but watching this when im older im just like :( jazz baby im SO sorry </3 SHE BODIED THAT GHOST THOUGH. and the fact she didnt tell danny she knew surprised me. like, shes patient and waiting on him to tell her when hes ready!! thats so so sweet.

-christ the parents talking about 'PEELING IT LIKE AN ONION. AND EXAMINING REMAINS' of ghosts RIGHT INFRONT OF DANNY.

-'why am i so depressed and angry all the time!!' DANNY YOURE 14. i mean it IS a ghost this time, but...

-579$ top?? VALERIE NO ITS NOT EVEN CUTE IT DOESNT EVEN GO WITH THAT OUTFIT AAAA. tho this ep is called shades of gray..VALERIE FOCUSED EP FINALLY????! *THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE* I already knew about red huntress from my redesigns, but I didn't exactly know what that entails or how/why, so, it's fun to see the Origins.

-ghost pubby! ghost pubby!!!!! why is the dog a ghost?? the implication that the company had guard dogs and got rid of them...what did they DO. is it just the unfinished business?? of not having that toy it was looking for?? god I hope so.

I feel SOOO bad for valerie tho, my god. her friends are shunning her for what, because her dad lost her job and she had to move??? horrible. (and the fact the dog wrecked the moving van too...) I also love how 'from wisconsin' on the package was an IMMEDIATE RED FLAG FOR ME. WISCONSIN=EVIL NOW. vlads so petty.

-it took valerie like 5 mins to get the hang of hunting ghosts and shes already a much bigger threat than his parents tbh. who've been trying and studying this for years. and a more valid reason <3 love her shes so cute and cool. new daughter alert.

-'i should do SOMETHING to help valerie' no shit danny???

-'who is that, awesome outfit!' -top gay sam moments. i was going to say. before it immediately cuts to sam kissing danny LMFAOOO. don't think I like that, it puts tucker in a weird third wheel position... the next ep involves them holding hands and blushing when danny's cold...URGH No. not a fan ngl. the trope of 'if theres a girl in a trio she has to end up with one of the two guys!!'

-right as I say that they take it to extremes!! and ember shoots him with a love ray gun that makes him OBSESSIVE OVER SAM. AND SHE TAKES HIS HANDS AND SAYS 'YOU DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME, I DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU' and her saying she doesnt want to be together like this. and tucker saying 'i always knew you two would get together!!' dont manifest it tucker please. the show pushing for it so hard makes me not want it KSHKJKJD I KNOW its probably canon. it sucks though. im a hater.

-vlad just LURKING AROUND THE SCHOOL GIVING VALERIE GIFTS ASJKDHKJ YOU WEIRD PETTY OLD MAN GO HOME!!!

-EMBERRRRR YOU WILL REMEMBERRRRRR . this is the one thing I kinda remember from when I was a kid EMBERRRRR ilu. top 10 cartoon bops. sams being a hater. popular things are popular for a reason. mr. lancer also being a hater. also everyone wearing her color scheme ..its a really good look, the purple, black, and minty color...

-penguins exist in the ghost zone. confirmed.

-EMBER JUST SHOWING UP AT A RANDOM HIGHSCHOOL TO PLAY?? UNANNOUNCED, MID DAY??? girl get a tour schedule. make some money or smth damn. I know shes probably doing it for the power boost but. lord. anyway if your show doesnt have a concert scene/ep, is it even valid.

-fellas is this gay. (she uses a GRAPPLING HOOK TO SHOOT OUT THE WINDOW AFTER SEEING AN EMBER VAN GO BY RIGHT AFTER THIS SHOT)

-hey, she had an undercut at some point!! my redesign!!! was accurate!! in..a way

-I feel like danny has a lot of pent up aggression ngl, him being heartbroken about sam and immediately going IM GONNA GO TAKE IT OUT ON EMBER. I mean she needs to be stopped I guess But. jazz has the right idea he needs therapy and a HEALTHY outlet.

-tucker singing > my singing

-girls cant be gamers -tucker and danny sexist moments. her being chaos in the game OWNED.

-TUCKERS HAT IS A BERET??? I THOUGHT IT WAS A BEANIE. SAM CALLED IT A BERET. WH.

-it was actually nice of lancer to let danny retake the test, and he go to play games again. smh. epic cringe gamer moments compilation. and driving him home!!! I actually like him as a character. anyway teachers like lancer are SO appreciated. I was failing middle school because of mental problems, and felt so dumb and got embarrassed by teachers who would just get onto me instead of bothering to ask what the real problem was, but when I was taking my ged classes I had a wonderful teacher who kept reassuring me that I was smart, and I got honors!! danny is SUCH a little shit to him (understandable, 14, but) but seeing them getting along better and danny putting in effort. SO CUTE. THATS MY SON, STUDYING HARD!!!! and being so PROUD OF HIMSELF!!! 91!!! BITCH!!! A- is STILL AN A!!!

-'why dont they ever realize thats me in a dress' mr lancer i am CRYING. i realized.

-technus being my ghost grandpa who cant game asking tucker for help. bless his heart. his out of date old ppl lingo circles back to being endearing <3 tucker not recognizing him despite the like, lack of any kind of serious disguise...I do love their lil in-game outfits....sam being the tank rules. I like technus' spider design also. more characters need to be giant freaky spiders, imo.

-finding your gf a new host because she cant maintain her ghost body outside the zone? amazing. using jazz as the host? ILL KILL YOU. jazz immediately accepting a ride home from a guy she just met and letting him know where she lives. letting him IN THE HOUSE??? nooo girl no lets use common sense </3

-sooo cringe the parents were like 'good job for spying on your sister' tho wtffff. doesnt matter if hes a bad guy, thats fucked. everytime these parents BREATHE im like. these are MY kids now <3

-BAD LUCK BEING A THEME OF THE 13TH EPISODE. thats super fun. johnny 13 being his name is so. iconic. your last name is a NUMBER? also goth tucker. I actually love the look. everyone looks good goth. 'the ladies love the eyeliner and onyx nail polish' sam you are sooo right every man needs to at least try those two things. im a lesbian and I agree. same, danny, your bff is gnc af

-LOVE kitty's design. and just, the concept of a ghost with a bike. couple goals, except yes stay away from jazz.

[cassyapper]

Apart from Jotaro and Kakyoin (unfortunately) what are your other favourite jojo ships? I’d love to know

OHHHH POST YOUVE OPENED A CAN OF FUCKING WORMS LET ME GO OFF

i have a disease that makes me invested in the joestars’ happiness to an absurd level so bc of that a lot of ships i enjoy involve,,,one joestar,,,but there r others i swear let me just start rantingi

jonaeriwagon is soooooo so so cute it involves the most wholesome and purehearted jojo characters and it makes me smile so wide. erina and jonathan r childhood sweethearts and erina helped jonathan back on his feet after he lost EVERYTHING in the first fight against dio at the mansion. jonathan and speedwagon are best FRIENDS OKAY!! SPEEDWAGON LITERALLY CHANGES HIS ENTIRE WALK OF LIFE BECAUSE OF JONATHAN AND THE KINDNESS HE SHOWED HIM. i know erina and speedwagon didn't interact a whole lot in part 1 but like they're BEST. FRIENDS. in part 2, so much so joseph thought something was going on between them. i bring this up bc then it’s proof that this ship is full of ppl who just care for each other so much. they just adore each other and love each other and I'm crying

caejoseq is my FAVVV OKAY they're so stupid and in love. i love love love love imagining caesar and suziq falling in love slowly when he’s first training as lisalisa’s student and like they never do anything about it cause they're both so shy (yes caesar is shy bc these feelings r more genuine romance rather than sexual, unlike his other flings) but it’s obvious enough they both understand to a degree the other knows they like them sjkd;dn cuties. but then JOSEPH BARGES IN with his stupid hamon-breathing mask and his stupid blue-green eyes and his stupid lax personality combined with the moments he takes thing seriously during which is works hard as fuck/smart as fuck. he just completely sweeps them off their feet they had no fuckin warning whatsoever. so after a bunch of messy and intense pining from the both of them they eventually sit down and are like okay. we should do smth about feelings actually. so they Do and it ends with the polycule and I'm (”: smiling so wide they loved each other do u understand

AVPOL!! DO NOT GET ME STARTED OKAY it’s the survivor’s guilt and cherishing and longing for me sis!!!!!! I'm just saying both have pasts (araki said avdol’s backstory was so sad he didn't wanna put it into sdc so that’s where I'm drawing this from) that leave them focused on things other than their direct happiness/their own futures but then they connect and even though they're so fucking different they are SOOO different they're still the same on this level and i think!!! that would be everything for them finally someone who understands...listen I'm ging to go insane do you hear me. avdol loves this stupid fucking Frenchman so much because said stupid fucking Frenchman just cares so much about everything. meanwhile polnareff is in love with this fuckin god of a man who’s patient and kind and funny and a skilled enough fighter it’s stated explicitly in canon “oh avdol’s the one we need to worry about most not jotaro” like fuck polnareff is ENAMOURED WITH HIM!! AND I DONT FUCKING BLAME HIM!! and just dude. when pol thinks avdol came back to life and he starts crying tears of joy and hugs him so tightly and avdol just laughs but hugs him back imfmfjfj help. help. help. help. help. POLNAREFF LITERALLY ASKS HIM OUT ON A DATE THIS IS FUCKIN!!! CANON!!! i cant do this stupid fuckign idiots i love them

JOSUYASU!!!!!! TWO GUYS BEIGN DUDES WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT??? like listen we have such a SLEW of wholesome moments between these two the opening to the tonio episode is literally just them going on a date OKUYASU WAS GONNA FEED JOSUKE AND JOSUKE DIDNT EVEN FUCKING QUESTION IT OKAY THAT’S KINDA GAY THAT HAS ROMANTIC FUCKING UNDERTONES!! and them fighting against shigechi idk man i just love their dynamic it’s such a pleasant bro relationship and i love them. but even beyond the wholesome moments when okuyasu fucking dies josuke loses his SHIT!!! DO YOU HEAR ME HE GOES FUCKIGN INSANE!!!!! HE’S SCREAMING AND CRYING AND BEGGING OKUYASU TO WAKE UP AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS LIFE FUCKIGN HAYATO HAD TO SHRIEK AT HIM TO MOVE HIS ASS OUT OF THE WAY OF KIRA’S BOMB LIKE!! listen the recklessness and furiousness of josuke’s tactics after okuyasu “”died”” haunts me. he didn't want to live in a world without him and meanwhile okuyaus LITERALLY TRIUMPHS OVER DEATH BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE JOSUKE’S SIDE HELP ME GIRL FJKF;NDJN FUCK. fuck. so yeah i lvoe them

fugionara... any combination of this ship makes me go nuts okay okay. the dynamics in the bucci gang will forever leave me in tatters but THE ONES BETWEEN THESE THREE IN PARTICULAR. FUCK ME UP. it’s the healing it’s the animosity it’s the regret it’s the trying to figure out your own mentally ill self while also the world ur in with these ppl u love so much and I'm going crazy okay okay okay. idk how to quite put my feelings for them in worlds i just have a lot of them and they are fuckin. overhwelming. just narancia for example meant EVERYTHING to fugo as evidence by purple haze feedback (literally every other paragraph is a flashback) and the only time giorno cries in the anime is when narancia dies. meanwhile fugo saved narancia’s life and giorno knew when to take narancia seriously as opposed to a joke. and then THE WHOLE DISCUSSION ABOUT GRIEF FUGO AND GIORNO HAVE IN PURPLE HAZE FEEDBACK? listen something about these three make me go insane and feral

foolymes like okay. okay. I'm shaking like a dog trying not to go overboard on this justification just listen to me. hermes and jolyne first find someone to trust in prison in each other. jolyne cares abt her enough that she first learns how to use stone free’s string-on-a-telephone ability bc she wanted to watch over hermes. hermes loves nd respects jolyne that after she wakes up from getting a stand shes like “hm. wonder where jolyne is” and goes to find her before all that bullshit happened just hey okay LISTEN TO ME!! and then they get foo they save her it’s just like fucking kakyoin they give her another chance and they show her what relationships are supposed to be like (fulfilling) they enjoy her company and make her laugh and she makes them laugh in return ohmy god EVERYTHING FOO FIGHTERS DID WAS FOR JOLYNE AND HERMES DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!! the marilyn mansion debt collector arc. the kiss of love and revenge arc. foo fighter’s death. I'm going to eat rocks in an attempt to stop feeling oh my god JOLYNE DIDNT EVEN BELEIVE FOO FIGHTERS WAS DYING AND THEN SHE GOT HYSTERICAL LIKE “BUT WE CAN JUST REMAKE YOU RIGHT WE HAVE YOUR STAND DISC??” SHE DOESNT WANT HER TO GOOO HELP ME HELP ME. I'm in tatters these three girls loved each other so fucking much they just wanted each other safe and they DESERVED to be safe and happy together but araki is fucking evil

jotaweather I KNOW THIS IS A CRACK SHIP I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW DONT FUCKIGN LOOK AT ME JUST HEAR ME OUT. jotaro and weather r both of similar demeanor that is quiet soft-speaking intimidating strong big aura of sadness coming from them. both have powerful stands and both had real fucked up luck in the love department. i also hc both to be autistic so that’d be another similarity. i jus think them settling down together after everything went down in a stone ocean au would be very soft and sweet yknow? they wouldn't even necessarily start it off in a romantic sense but they just take the time to try and heal with each other and eventually it just kinda veers that way. yeah

gyjo for OBVIOUS reasons like are you serious? gyro changed johnny’s fucking lfie from the SECOND they first interact johnny begins to push himself and tries to reach further/go further. and in turn johnny shows gyro you cant always be a wet blanket you need to take a stand this both helps his resolve to save the kid AND helps him to take the measures necessary to get to his goal. like gyro would not have been able to find johnny in the “who shot johnny joestar?” arc if he hadn't gone through, say, the ring roadagain arc with johnny first. listen man their relationship is literally the catalyst for this whole part it’s the driving force i just. they love each other they love each other thank you goodnight I'm emo

yasugap is just so so so so sweet it makes me so happy,,like okay josuk8 literally has a daydream where all that happens is he gives yasuho some candy and she eats it and is like “aw josuke this is so good thanks!” and she smiles at him and that’s IT THAT’S THE DAYDREAM 😭 listen they just love each other so much and i am emo. they literally SAVED EACH OTHER OKAY LIKE yasuho pulls him from the dirt and like she mentioned during the flashback chapter with the hairpin and her dad, it was also the other way around....saving josuke also saved herself and just LISTEN TO ME. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. it’s a very sweet and healthy relationship and i hope to god araki makes it canon please sir ill bite you

anyway yeah these are the main main ones ? that i ship ship. like you'll get me excited if u mention them. anyway this post has gone on long enough so I'm gonna end it here by saying i really do have a thing where the relationship focuses on healing/helping one or both parties to save/improve themselves

[derekmorganscrocs]

Nancy Drew 2x9

Thoughts While Watching

Spoiler Alert!!

Aw no poor bess. AW PLATANCHOR ACE! Oh besties so cute. Poor bess oh no

Odette coming through with the pessimistic vibes about the day. Me. Always. “Nickolas” HAHAH Odette please. She’s so sassy. “No I’m not au-revoiring, you are.” Nick pls. GEORGES TATTOOS- George is gonna die omfg. Pls Nick is the only logical one here. OF COURSE IT WAS GONNA GET STOLEN YOU PUT IT IN YOUR DAMN LOCKER.

oh it’s probably Gil, not Grant. Sorry I thought you were a murderer grant. NOT THE PIE. why’d ace sound so sad about the pie. TELL ME STONER BOY DIDNT SNITCH.

AW ACE THE LIL FLOWER. “Aw Ace I’m so happy for you :) now I’m gonna die :)”. I think that Grant is an informant or something.

Sassy thief bad boy, I like. But I also don’t bc he’s tryna kill george. PROTECTIVE NICK! Detective Nick 😏. OH ACEMANDA, okay. Ohh

Okay wait I kinda feel bad for Gil. But mans is still going to end george. Oh Nick is v hot okay. Protective Nick. I love him. And Gil is kinda noble despite the whole killing george and theft thing ngl.

Carson coming thru. Of course, king Carson thanks babe. “Ok can GEORGE weigh in?” Pls george you’re funny.

BESS OMG WHAT R THOSE? TONGS? Carson and Bess moment funny. “Are you alright?” He sounds so fine with it but also so concerned. AW CARSON FATHERING BESS TOO PLS I LOVE HIM. The Drew Crew is now Carson’s Crew Of Baby Ducks.

Okay I mean at least Amanda didn’t spill. She’s so pretty too!!! Okay but I kinda like the bobseys ngl. Sorry guys. Gil is also very hot. I bet their mom either isn’t dead or is gonna show up as a ghost?? Okay but I feel bad for them no. Oh do I smell an Acemanda scavenger hunt?

NO NO NO NOT THE FANSON FIGHT. AW NO PLS I LOVE THEM. HES PROPOSING?! Oh no nvm. DO NOT BREAK UP. DO NOT. Fanson scavenger hunt?

Oh is that b dead? No nvm they’re still breathing. OH GIL JUST DIPPED. Patience impaired- MOOD. OH THAT WAS HOT “wasn’t this more fun than picking a lock” WOAH THERE BUCKO. YEAH BUT WOAH.

“Am I crying too loud” BESS IS A MOOD. Aww Carson is trying to distract her, please omg. Dad Carson is so cute. LAWYER BESS, LAWYER BESS.

Oh that’s creepy. NOT A BASEMENT- NANCY UR DUMB. OH THAT WAS SO FUCKING SCARY WHYD THIS PRINCE PHILLIP LOOKING MF JUMP LIKE THAT- NOT THE BASEMENT. fake wall? Yeah Gil break down that wall. OH GOD IS THAT HIS MOM?

HE STASHES THINGS BESIDE THE POLICE STATION- WHAT?! I love that. Acemanda could be cute though? Maybe? Idk I need to decide if I can share.

ODETTE IS BACK. Nick is so over it. WHY IS SHE SO SALTY ABT BEING STUCK IN GEORGE LMFAO. PLS “granite, limestone. Be done with it” ODETTE I CANT. She’s outta pocket. “Oh, well. Odette called me an idiot.” PLS NICK AND ODETTE ARE SO FUNNY.

Oh it’s just drawings, I thought it was a body. Poor Gil :( wait I actually feel bad. Ok I’m here for Gil but he’s pissing me off with this whole shroud thing. DONT KILL GEORGE, U HOE. Mommy’s ghost is boutta show up. NO WAIT WHAT IF SHE WAS KILLED BY A GHOST. she totally was. HAHA nancy got caught. I laugh but that was awkward.

KILLED BY GHOST, OBVIOUSLY. “We’ve heard great things about your restrooms.” PLS. Ace knowing nothing about art. NANCY ITS UNKOWN THEYRE OBVS NOT GONNA HAVE THE NAME.

Dad Carson aw. Pls besties Bess and Carson. AWWW THERE WASNT EVEN A HEARING. Carson should just adopt the entire Drew Crew. LAWYER BESS! LAWYER BESS! I WANT LAWYER BESS! Dad Carson please adopt me too. REASSURANCE. I LOVE.

“Technically they sold it to nick” “What?” PLS NICK/ACE IS SO FUNNY TO ME. besties are so funny. SHES NOT DEAD I TOLD YALL SHES NOT DEAD. IF GEORGE DIES I WILL RIOT.

GIL YOU NEED TO CHILL. SIR. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. DONT DO IT. Oop Nancy is already there. SHES STILL ALIVE I TOLD YOU GUYS. please poor Gil. Aw, I feel so bad. She was definitely actually being haunted, but I digress. No please poor Amanda. “Why would she tell you but not me?” HIS VOICE GOT SO SMALL. TWIN MOMENT. okay but Amanda coming thru for the Drew Crew. WOOHOO GIL REDEMPTION!

“Cheer up Boss.” IF BESS DOESNT KEEP CALLING NICK BOSS ILL BE UPSET. “There’s still an old timey French lady living in my girlfriend.” AW OMG. ODETTE NO-

GEORGE NO. NONONO. oh thank god nick and Bess got there. Bess coming through with the lawyering. Nice. Bess crashing and burning here. “If you do this to george I wont have to imagine it. George deserves to live.” NICK- FANSON- CRYING. CRYING. OMFG HE LOVES HER. NICK I LOVE YOU. FANSON. HUG HUG HUG SWEET CUTE WOW. tag yourself, I’m bess crying in the background.

Nancy and Ace- “says the guy dating his twin sister” HE GAVE HER HIS HOODIE. I AM JEALOUS NGL. I’m very immersed in this, don’t Judge me. NOT THE BANANA CREAM PIE, NANCY PLS. oh they’re holding hands???

Acemanda on the boardwalk, the writers are stealing my ideas, smh. See: The Dumpster Fire I Call Life (linked below) OMG “I only need one” THAT WAS VERY CUTE AND I HATE IT. PLS STOP. JEALOUSY. CUE MR. BRIGHTSIDE- TPAIN SANS LE T- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. ITS HIS BROTHER?! DO I SMELL FRANK HARDY?

Sister’s Thoughts:

“Why is Ace dressed like a fifth grader?” (It was the blue jacket with the green zipper that made her think that lmao)

“I’m just me, without any secrets,” Carson said.

“Except for your secret boyfriend.” My sister is the number one Caryan shipper.

“Aw Nick is the ghost possessing your girlfriend bullying you? Poor muffin.”

DUMPSTER FIRE FIC LINK:

[just-zenitsu]

oh that makes me curious... do you think zenitsu was thrown between orphanages and foster homes as a kid? or maybe he was in one until he ran away, either when he eloped or some time before and then lived on the street from then... or did he just live on the streets his whole childhood? ive been wondering this for days and its been on my mind for ages

*deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

first of all id like to say that i have like three fic ideas that explore his past (whether it focuses on how he grew up or not) BUT THANK U FOR INDULGING ME GUYS IM DEFINITELY RAMBLING ABT EACH OF THEM NOW… (this is a fucking monster tho. so its under read more)

* @anon THATS A WHOLE ASS MOOD TBH. i spend literal hours at night thinking abt whether he was in an orphanage or a street kid. ive wrote him living in the streets  and getting sent to an orphanage when he was caught stealing. whereas i ALSO have mindless scribbled notes of modern au where his parents left him in an orphanage but bc of bad experiences (and thats putting it lightly) he gets sent to different homes A LOT and eventually gets kicked out at some point, ILL GET TO THAT LATER IN A BIT

* SINCE im trying to NOT write a fic here ill just list down headcanons and stuff bc YEET!!!! and for the sake of convenience lets just say he was both sent to an orphanage and lived as a street kid :”DD

* lets talk abt hcs ive seen first,, jpn fandom mostly all seem to hc him as a street kid who lived by working on odd jobs and the sort. ofc more often than not he just gets the bare amount for payment and the people he works for arent really nice :(( they never have the nicest words to say and sometimes they even hit him. zen sometimes endures it bc its not like he has much of a choice in the end. other times he runs away crying and scared.

* he also doesnt really have a permanent home so he wanders a lot carrying what little stuff he owns (probably a few clothes or a worn-out futon or something)

* he’s taken advantage of a lot,, whether it’d be people tricking him into doing some work saying ‘he’ll be given something good in return’ or something equally vague. he usually wonders why their words sound so kind in comparison to their heartbeats that sound… off,, its not until he’s older that he gets an answer to that question

* bc he cant be picky i like to think that its not that hard for him to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. he also curls up a lot into a ball when he sleeps. he likes being cooped up into small spaces, it makes him feel safe and that no one can get him. 

* was initially very verbal about his hearing condition (something along the lines of saying ‘i heard you say that ____’ or ‘hey, do you hear that’ etc etc.) people think hes creepy and/or he’s lying most of the time. he eventually doesnt really wanna talk about it anymore once someone came this close to threatening to cut his ears off.

* i think we can say that zen lived in the city? its why he likes expensive things and the sort, and he has a lot of stock knowledge about how the city works and stuff like that, not to say that he’s ever really participated in it 

* as a child (and even as he got older) zenitsu’s favorite season is spring, autumn being a close second. he likes spring bc the air is fresh and he can find flowers in the outskirts of the city, surviving despite growing in cracked concrete. he makes little flower crowns out of them!

* he likes autumn bc the way the leaves change is pretty! but its only second to spring bc the flowers usually wilt by then and he gets cold :(

* he doesnt like winter simply because it is VERY cold. he dislikes summer the most tho bc the sound of literal thousands of cicadas give him a lot of headaches aaa 

* is very used to being hungry when he goes to sleep. he makes due with it as best as he can. one of his fondest memories is a frail old man who owns a sweet bun cart that gives him buns in exchange for a lower price than what he actually sells them for. on a day where he thinks the old man looks more tired and quiet than usual, zenitsu takes it upon himself to give him a flower crown. 

* unfortunately he never is able to give it, bc the next day, or days after that, zenitsu never sees him again.

* he has experience bein a sneaky little thief! its the reason on why he can easily take sweets without permission at the butterfly estate in canon hehe

* but its this very same reason that he gets sent to an orphanage, he gets caught! and bc he is a Literal Child. they send him to foster care woohoo

* (GOD THIS IS GETTING SO LONG BUT PLS DEAL WITH MY RAMBLING….)

* i dont have a clear idea on how zenitsu couldve been treated in an orphanage. but all in all, he’s just very grateful to be given some kind of semblance of a home and food

* he learned how to speak (barely) when he lived in the streets, but they teach the basic minimum and suddenly he’s learning all these sorts of things

* the people who took care of them arent the most affectionate, neither are the kids he lives with. zenitsu’s crying is often really looked down upon, he tries to stop but he can’t really help it. he’s not really anyones favorite person here

* there’s a small somewhat neglected garden in the orphanage’s backyard. he spends his time here when everyones playing and no one wants to play with him

* every time someone comes to adopt a kid he cries and begs for them to adopt him whenever they show a spark of interest towards him. it goes as bad as u think it does, they dont like that type of kid, and as such they assume everyone else is like that and leaves w/o taking anyone. zenitsu isnt allowed to eat dinner in these nights ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

* bc of the latter reason, kids gang up and bully him a lot. zenitsu tries to go along w it bc its the ONLY time anyone ever pays attention to him, but at the end of the day the only thing he gets is scratches and bruises from being pushed around and lots of words that hurt his heart

* (WAHH. OPK OK IM SORRY IM SAD NOW AINNFJKKJFDFHKH..)

* people think he’s a nuisance more or less. and then he gets sent to varied foster homes again and again bc he’s ‘difficult to deal with’ and going back to the first bullet point, he gets kicked out again wAH. at this point he might have been 15 and its when he starts trying to date girls, despite hearing everyone’s sounds of deceit and lies time and time again, he still goes through with it. and the rest is canon, 

OK. thats basically my brain vomit about zenitsu backstory. i am deceased and IM JUST PURELY FROTHING AT THE MOUTH EVERYTIME I THINK ABT HIM KDFKLGDFDGHF. thank u sm if u read this far, i appreciate it ;_______;

[richard-of-windoor]

anyways this post is. idk i just want to try writing out my feelings. i cant promise any of this is gonna make sense. bc if i cant talk to anyone ill just type it out. 

tw for dark feelings and self harm mention

like if you read

i messed up so bad. i messed up so bad. i get told that things arent always my fault but guess what they always end up being my fault. and this is 2000% my fault. i will always have to live with the scar i created. a knife thrust deep in my chest, the blood pouring out of it like the tears running down my face. i gave in to temptation and i never should have. i wanted to experience something, but i experienced it all with the wrong person. i was so selfish. people always tell you “think of yourself first” and i fucking did. and it caused a catastrophe in my mind. i dont deserve sympathy, i dont deserve kindness, i dont deserve second chances. i deserve to rot 6 feet under. alone. like i deserve. like im used to. i told myself in school a lot that id die alone, and im telling myself that again. because its true. no one will love me. they will for a short time but then ill fuck up again or cry too long and theyll see im not worth it. people think its so easy. no one understands how deep my self hatred is. how its apart of me now. i look in the mirror i see a fucking disgusting asshole. i try to put on makeup, all i see is a clown trying to be pretty and failing. i try to cosplay, all i see is garbage. theres a reason whenever i beg for help theres no one there. its what i deserve. no one. i lost all those friends for a reason, did i really think theyd stay. did my delusional mind really tell myself that? i try to make new friends to replace old ones and no one wants me. no one wants an annoying whiny bitch. i can barely stutter through a sentence. i dont need a fortune teller for my future. my future is sitting alone in an apartment. begging for anyone to help me. but no one coming. i wont have a roommate. no one would be able to live with me, im sure even someone on craigslist would leave in a second. “but maybe youll find love” no. no no nononnonononononoNONONO. no i fucking wont. no one wants to love me. no one will love me. the second i let myself fall in love with someone is when im able to get hurt and i dont want to be in pain. im not a good partner. i will never be good for anyone. im a leech. i suck away any happiness you could possibly have. no one will ever want someone this depressed. this messed up. no one this ugly. its been a while since i thought about self harming. id love nothing more right now than to slice my pathetic skin open. to carve useless into my arm so im forced to look at it. but im too scared of my parents finding out. i wish all my friends were smarter and just dropped me. im unhealthy. im sick.

ill never get to experience anything with you. i never attempted to try anything bc. you were always so uncomfortable with anything i did. i didnt want to push you away. i just wanted longer kisses. cuddle in the back of your car. feeding each other things. stupid lovey stuff. the knife twists even deeper, remembering all that i lost. twists deeper as i remember how i hurt you. how selfish i was. at the time i really did think youd be glad to be rid of me. i mean wouldnt anyone? no one wants someone like me hanging around them. youre always so busy already why should i take up more of your precious free time. im scared. i really am. i want to believe i have even a 1% chance with you again but im wrong and i know it. i fucked it up.  im scared of her experiencing everything i dreamed of. her getting you to the fullest. im scared of her telling you im a bad person. opening your eyes to how toxic i am. your vision is clouded but hers wont be. im bad for you. for everyone. i feel like theres a wall in between us. your knuckles are probably hurt and bloody from trying to knock it down, but i refuse to let it fall. i dont want you hurt by me again. when i wrote you that letter i wanted you to scream at me. refuse me. fight for me. i wanted you to tell me how wrong i was. but no you accepted it. like the good person you are. you should feel happy right now that im finally getting my karma. but youre too nice to think like that. 

im having trouble breathing again. its such a simple task but why is it so hard right now. my own body might be trying to kill me for the sake of everyone. i want to give up. i really do. i want this stupid dream of having a chance to end. i want to stop trying to think positively that one day your hand may be in mine because its not true and it will never be true.  i cant keep trying to hope for these delusions to come true. i want to cling to my daydream of us in an apartment. one of us coming home from work being greeted by the other. we kiss and cuddle on our couch. the glass breaks. its not happening.  a stupid daydream thought up by a stupider individual. that dream is reserved for another. 

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : The villain’s little hero

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  All Might, Japan's number 1 villain has a successor. The problem? His successor is a hero hopeful. All Might will stop at nothing to make sure his kid gets to live his dream.

au where all might is a villain raising izuku to be a hero!

quirkless izuku, his backstory is mostly the same

all might decided that hero work had too much red tape. if he was going to take down afo, he needed the freedom to do whatever he had to and he wasnt getting that working within the law

so hes a,,, viilllaaaiinnn?? like. stain. but less murdery, would also save civilians if they were in danger

he has 0 qualms about crippling fake heroes but hes not a fan of murder

nighteye is still his sidekick, he doesnt use his quirk on allmight bc all might h a t e s it

hes kinda on board with "the future is only set in stone because you've seen it now" so he wants the freedom to break fate. but its very useful to get info, so nighteye just uses it on other people

hero to the people villain to literally everyone else

allmights villain costume is reallll similar to his hero costume. just less eye bleeding

he has longer grey hair too.

all mights bronze age costume is basically his villain costume thanks for listening

david shield is still in this story

david agrees w all might and like,,, sneaks him stuff on the downlow

all might told him ab. his quirk because who on earth is gonna believe that one america man about japans worst supervillain?

also melissa is a Soft Young Woman and she is all mights favourite person on this fucking planet until he meets izuku

all might went to ua, only defected after completing his hero training because he wanted to be trained by the people he was going to screw over

izuku has always kinda been a big fan of all might. not openly because hes legally a villain and very much paints himself as one, but his quirk is one of the most amazing things izuku has ever seen

when he looks closer, all might has never let a civilian get hurt once hes been on scene. hes taken hits to protect housing, hes pulled heroes from the line of fire

izuku watches his sports festivals and wonders why? why did all might, the man who happily told the world he'd stop at nothing to keep them safe, suddenly flip sides like that for no reason?

izuku doesnt buy it

izuku's big yellow backpack is a big red one in this universe, hes had it so long its gone pink but he still loves it

the sludge villain

all might saves him and izuku is crying. allmight thinks its because hes scared but izuku just turns to him with this big weepy eye smile and gives him the most genuine thanks he thinks hes ever been given

(its honestly the shock of that that makes him deflate into small might, which has izuku scrambling to find tissues and called an ambulance before he thinks better of calling emergency services for All Might)

izuku is like "Im SO SORRY SIR ARE YOU oK"

and all might is like ",,, b  oy"

izuku softly asking

"can,, can i still be someone with out a quirk? can i still make a difference?"

all might doesnt get the chance to anser because there is a massive explosion in the distance

its bakugo!! hes dying

the sludge villain got away bc izuku and all might were chatting a little

izuku hears it and he feels this terrible realization, because its probably not bakugo? but its definitely bakugo because izuku's life is falling to pieces

he sprints towards him and katsuki will n e v e r admit it but he feels hope in that moment because some one is trying to help. even if its just izuku, he wasnt totally left for dead

all might sees this tiny, nervous, quirkless kid run straight up to a villain that almost killed him seconds before to save someone what looks like they'd rather die

and he thinks

"no one deserves one for all more than him"

and allmight, the most wanted villain in japan, maybe the world, jumps in

the heroes look at him and they are scared. if they couldnt take the sludge villain, what is all might going to do to them? but the scariest man in japan, the person parents tell their kids about to stop them from going out at night, blows the sludge villain to tiny pieces and carefully, gently, places the two boys by the heroes

before he vanishes before they can call for backup or even ask why

izuku gets yelled at by the heroes because the heroes are scared and angry they couldnt stop either of the villains and izuku is so overwhelmed that hes crying and he can hardly breathe

bakugo doesnt even yell at him because hes so dazed about everything that happened and he cant make himself yell at this sobbing kid that used to be his friend

(bakugo is holding izukus hand like hes going to crush it but its the only thing keeping izuku present)

izuku is walking home and hes still hicuping and crying because he almost died and the heroes hate him and he feels a hand on his shoulder, and a soft :"its ok now my boy"

he knows its all might but he cant help but hide his face in his shirt and sob

all might gets down so he can look izuku in the eye

"you asked me if you could be someone with out a quirk and i didnt get the chance to answer. my answer? you already are someone. you are someone that inspired me, a villain, to save the day. you are going to be amazing"

and looks him dead in the eye "you'll do amazing things, even with out a quirk. but, you of all people deserve one, and no matter what you chose to do with it, it can be yours. hero, villain or someone in between"

izuku looks at this villain

this painfully thin villain, who just saved his life and who has unimaginable strength

and he throws his arms around his waist and sobs

inko isnt a great mum in this au and she likes to basically pretend izuku doesnt exist

izuku trains a lot and has to make his own food bc his mum just ignores him

he sneaks out at night to clear trash and sneaks back in before dawn to clean the sand from his hair

he smells like saltwater and rust, and he hasnt slept more than 4 hours a night in weeks and katsuki is worried

all might sees him crumbling with a smile stuck on his face and he wants to stop him from self-destructing, but the kid will never learn his lesson until he feels his body give up under what hes doing to it. if all might steps in he'll do it again and again until no one stops him and hes never learnt his limit.

so he waits and he watches while he pretends he cant see the bags under his eyes and pretends that everytime izuku sways on his feet he doesnt feel a jolt of deep panic

did he do this? if he the reason izuku looks like hes falling apart before his eyes?

the kid passes the fuck out and all might tells him off in a soft dad way and izuku cries bc why does this villain care more than his mum does

and all might catches the end of that little mumble, and feels terrible so he pretends he didnt hear and takes him for lunch

they go to a cafe and all might buys izuku the cutest slice of cake and a big ass bowl of katsudon and some fancy fucking tea and covers the kids eyes every time he tries to look at the prices

izuku looks at all might and asks

"are you buying me katsudon with crime money"

and all might looks sheepish and izuku giggles like an idiot and says "dont tell me ill feel bad!!!"

all might grins bc this kid is honestly the only reason he hasnt stabbed a pro hero in a few months bc hes so fucking sweet

he has to carry izuku half the way home bc the kid could barely lift his chopsticks and almost fell asleep in the booth after he finished eating

and allmight, skinny and kinda scary is giving his 15 year old a piggy back and someone says "you're such a good dad!" and he almost coughs up his last lung

izuku mumbles sleepily and hes has the biggest warm and fuzzy feeling and hes going to yell bc hes All Might the No. 1 Villain and this fucking kid is drooling on his sweater but he would die for him

some random stranger on the street commenting on how it was rly fortunate that izuku inherited his adorable smile from his father

all might, abt to burst into tears: whack

allmight is easily flustered even when hes killed a man

he comes home and inko isnt there so he has to like, wake up izuku to get him to open the door and he feels bad bc izuku is a Sleepy Man

izuku mumbles that he cant ever tell if shes at home or not because nothing changes and all might feels a wave of "wait my son isnt being parented enough"

so he makes izuku a cup of tea and tucks him into bed after he has a shower because izuku is His Son Now Inko

hes like

sitting in the living room reading the paper and he hears inko's car and hes like ",,, fuck it im walking out the front door im no coward"

she doesnt even notice and hes going to scream because does she have a brain

inko, spaced out, tired and terrible: oh is the tall man here for izuku :))) thats great :)))

all might is screaming bc"" do you get let weird men into see your tiny son>???? what the fuck???

hes so small inko??? and you?? let random men in?????

all might would yeet her into the sun if he could but his boy needs an actual family member to make going to ua easier

inko is kinda mentally ill. she is depressed and often forgets she has izuku. like shes not always being terrible she just sometimes forget to do basic things

one time she locked izuku out of the house for 10 hours and he had to sleep next to the front door

one month she didnt buy any food so by the end of it he was starving and out of his own money and there was n o t h i n g in the house, but inko would go out to eat every night and lunch and not take her son

allmight is upset bc izuku didnt tell him but izuku is embarrassed. embarrassed that he was forgotten by his own mum, that he couldnt do anything to help her or himself and honestly mad he was so hungry all might noticed bc he didnt want to bug him

it was getting to the point that katsuki actually slipped some change into his bag with a candy bar

[big-shoe-energy]

im losing my sense of reality i kinda just exist in my head i dont remember how to talk about things i cant even get myself to write well to myself more like i dont take the time to but honestly i just feel like i have nothing meaningful to say. idk what im hung up on i dont know whats holding me down. i feel like i have giant steel chains binding me to my bed the chains would follow wherever they were just so heavy now that im home 24/7 i have no reason NOT to be in bed it takes so fucking much mental effort to get out of it sometimes. since probably november ive had long long periods in which id go days w out getting out of bed or chair just watching youtube i dont even watch anything interesting im bored most of the time i cant bring myself to find new things im mot enjoying myself the whole time im in n out of my phone i cant focus on amything i cant breathe sometimes im so ducking depressed i cant feel my limbs sometimes for hours my hands will just go numb and tingle and i just cant bring myself to move i havent moved for months i cant believe how miserable ive been i havent done any homework i havent done almost anything for school i physically can not bring myself to do it its so fucking overwhelming i cant even look at the instructions thats how afraid i am ive never felt so inept or fucking ridiculous if and when my mom finds out ill never hear the end of it shes gonna blow her lid and im gonna break down im completely shut down rn not gonna front. i legit dont know how to describe my emotions i used to be good at talking i think i used to be pleasant now i feel like everything i say is completely unnecessary and i overthink every syllable that comes out of me. i choke on every pause and i feel like i make a mistake every other sentence. i dont know how to communicate rn. not to mention im forgetting italian and fucking spanish lmao what a joke. god im pathetic. i made some iced cofee at 1:30 am lmao if thats not a cry for help idk what is. i stay up all night i wait all day long just to stay up all night because i hate being in my room. its my pride n joy but bc i share it i feel like its not mine and im have no safe space in this house and i cant get out of here and i cant stop cryin bout it diego just does the same shit all day long and i just cant get myself to do anything when hes here and awake. i kinda wanna clean but whats that gonna do. im wasting my life and i hate myself for it. i want to fucking disappear and never come back. its two am and hes still awake every night he stays up later and i want to rip my hair out as if it wasnt falling out already lmao i hate it here i hate it so fucking much i never realized how much but anything would be better than this. i feel like my life is always going to be leading nowhere ive always been promised greatness and i was foolish to believe it and now were stuck here and were always going to be and i wish i was better i wish i was normal i wish i could think like a person that is satisfied with simplicity and like basic things god life would be so much more fulfilling. i hate hating my life i hate feeling like this i hate not enjoying anything i miss caring about people i wish people cared about me i wish i was special to someone i wish i had real friends i wish i knew how interpersonal relationships worked because i feel like i just do everything wrong. i dont listen to new music i literally just like dont know how idk whta to look for ive tried watching new shows and i was able to go thru all of beastars and i honestly don’t remember it really, i enjoyed it tho ill have to watch it again. i hate my brain. maybe i broke it. iman idiot im pathetic. in so fucking stupid. im a dumb stupid idiot smooth brained fucking shit eating no good dead beat loser. god i fucking hate me

[swearronchanel]

the durrells finale

Reporting live (not really) and simultaneously crying from Disneyland Paris!!

I’m literally not Fucking ready to say goodbye to this show! My heart hurts

but here goes nothing right

Louisa gracefully opening the window

MY SON LARRY IS BACK!!

Louisa’s sunglasses yes queen 😍

The family is all back together MY HEART IS MELTING

“No you’re too white” me @ the American government

“I did bring you all on an epic Greek journey, which we are still on” YEA BUT NOT FOR LONG 😭

Larry causally brining uP the war

“We’re not going anywhere” GOD ya really just want to be ironic and hurt me

fuck them nazis

HOW IS THIS THE END UGHH I CANT TAKE IT (meanwhile it’s only the credits)

SPOON MAKING LMAO louisa really needs to hook up with spiros she’s losing it

FETUS PIC OF THEO AND GERRY IM CRYIN ALREADY

stop the years pls!!

Aw Galini is back too

Margo has an announcement

“I’m less stupid than I thought I was” LMAO ME AFTER DOING A SEMESTER ABROAD

LOUISA CRINGING AT MARGO LMAOO

“I DONT REALLY REMEMBER” LMAOO LOUISA SKKSKSKS I FELT

Les showing up with the bottle of wine

HE’s living out of his car STOP

LOUISA COME RESCUE HIM PLS😭

“You’ve loved my mother ever since you met her” FUCK YEA LES IS RIGHT

SPIROS PLS MY LOVE COME BAck to MRS DURRELLS

this play is gonna be a shit show I love it

LMAO NIKOS

I need me a Greek babe

“You’re a siren” “obviously” wow I missed Florence 😂

SPIROS IS BACK😭

“I’m realizing that precious things end” THE PAIN THIS IS CAUSING ME

SPIROS IS SO IN LOVE STOP

“LOUISA.. LOUISA..LOUISA” JUST KISS ALREADY !!!

LUGA DAMN IT STOP COCKBLOCKING LMAOO

Theo don’t come with the bad news already please

“Look at me” fuck Theo is so serious and it’s paining him to say it 😭

also not the time to say but I love that he has a pimp cane

Theo can’t even tell Gerry the truth this is so subtly painful

SEX WORSHIP

I love how everyone including Florence knows Margo is planning to have sex LMAO

THE CYCLOPS MASK LMFSO ITLL BE IN MY NIGHTMARES

oh shit here comes the fascism fuck

THE TYPEWRITER TOO?

ya have to blast, just take spiros with u

“AND THE EGG WOMAN AT THE MARKET” LMFAOOOOO STOPPP SHE TOLD EVERYONE

hide your kids hide your wife hide your wireless

“You’ve been so good to me Theo” stop Gerry 😭

They’re Setting animals free I can’t deal with this

i am so emotional

Louisa is in such denial that they’ll have to leave and honestly SO AM I

“Like you and Spiros” RIGHT!! THEYRE SO IN LOVE

4 seasons later and I still want white pants like Louisa’s

Florence really said ill expose your medical records LMAO

“Louisa” GET A ROOM YOU TOO

LOUISA WTF WHY SAY NO? GO TAKE HIM TO BED RN

"Where do you want to go? .."To heaven"..”I know the way.." Im going to have some type of aneurysm I can’t deal like  GOD THIS IS ALL IVE WANTED!! THEYRE SO LOVEY AND HAPPY AND UGHSH WHY CANT THIS LAST FORVER

BUT HERE COMES ANOTHER COCKBLOCKER ..OF COURSE

BASIL WAS KILLED? OH SHIT WHAT

oh my I didn’t expect that 😭

“I’m afraid we have to leave Corfu” 💔 knife in my heart

“Come with us” PLEASE DO

“We still have a future” her heart is breaking and so is mine !!

SPIROS NO! COME BACK! PLEASE

I feel my heart literally throbbing in pain

AUNT HERMONIE’S GHOST!! BASIL’S TOO! STOP THIS (I knew ThTs the only way she could’ve been in this but still!! Shook)

Louisa is going to run after her man now right

.. or not

Margo says some secretly wise things every now and again

“The house.. breathing”

They’re all restless in bed & so am I right now bc this is too much for me

I literally have CHEST PAIN RIGHT NOW JUST BC I KNOW WHATS COMING

Larry as a spy is killing me lmao

All these people came to see the play😭😭

Even Pavlos!

LMAOO THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY BROTHER WAS IN THE ODYSSEY FOR SOME EVENT IN HS - ISSA SHIT SHOW AND IM LIVING FOR IT

FUCK IT’s HAPPENING NOW

CONFRONT YOUR MAN LOUISA !!  

THE RUNNING ! THE WHITE CLOTHES ! THE BEACH ! THIS IS BEAUTIFULLY CINEMATIC

FUCK SHE JUST RAN UP AND KISSED HIM GOD SHSJSJWMS OMF FF

HE’S LIFTING HER OFF THE GROUND!!

WHAT A PERFECT KISS

“I LOVE YOU” ..“I LOVE YOu” I LOVE THIS!

“..A bed not too big so we’re always touching”

SOMEONE CALL 911 I AM NOT BREATHING JAJSSJJS FUCKKKKKK

“ I can’t go with you to England” I AM WEEPING

THE WAY SHE FELL I CANT

I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING BUT IT HURTS SO BADDDDD

“You’ll be beautiful and complicated “ FUCK ME I WANNA JUMP OFF A CLIFF

“You’ll go on and spread the magic and I won’t be here”

“You will Be here” I THINK I AM HAVING AN ANNERYUSM

“Has it all been for nothing?” CAN U KILL ME

“Would you change it for us never having met..?” JESUS LORD PLEASE TAKE ME NOW I CANT TAKE THIS

THEYRE HOLDING EACH OTHER ON THE BEACH AND CRYING

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

NO ONE IS HOLDING ME AND IM CRYING 😭😭

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

YOU CANT JUST BREAK MY HEART AND GO

 ZOLATN PULLED UP

IM WEAK LMAOO HE CAME FOR MARGO I LOVE IT

BUT THE LAUGHS WONT REPAIR MY SHATTERED HEART

THERE’S NO COMING BACK AFTER THAT LOUISA AND SPIROS MOMENT

but Margo and Zoltan are actually cute

LMAO THEY ALREADY HOOKED UP IM PROUD SJSKKS

But deadass my heart is beating so fast and I’m in pain I can not and will not recover

Larry throwing the script is a mood

Louisa’s monologue I literally want to fling myself into the sun

“For us this has been quite a journey..” 😭😭😭😭

Sven and the damn accordion

“There’s been a lot of messy love since we got here” YOU THINK

! ! they’re all sitting angelically in the Ionian Sea and this is killing me ! ! ! !

Larry isn’t going 😭 spiros will protect

“To the future” PLEASE LET THERE BE A FUTURE ONE DAY ITV I NEED IT

LUGA KISSING LESLIE’S HEAD BROKE ME FURTHER ..HER FAV CHILD

Spiros and Louisa Hugging I just can’t

I can’t do this

I need an inhaler and I don’t even have asthma

I’m drowning in my tears 😭😭

This isn’t fair how can it just BE OVER NOW?$/!/‘s?!?!?

I felt like they weren’t going to show them leaving and now I can continue life in denial and pretend they don’t leave and everyone lived happily ever after !!

I’m not okay at all obviously

I just-

[fluffytoast101]

!"kids please! i need everyone to calm down and ask your questions one at a time!" David stopped the kids from talking all at the same time. “I thought the fund raiser was a success! If we need money why dont the quartermaster just beat you guys up again!” Harrison stated while Malva was nodding “It actaully isnt a bad idea!”

-small time skip bcs i dont want to rewrite every line of dialog-

“does that mean.. we all have to split up?” Nikki asked with sadness in her voice. Everyone looked around at eachother with sad expressions.

“Hi Max. Its been a few days.. Have you made your descsion yet? Wich camp do you wanna go to? Vera is still.. Mad about the uhm.. events if you were wondering..” David asked the sad boy who was carrying a bunch of regret. “Im still thinking.” He answerd quickly turning the other way. “Come on Max.. i know its been hard especially since Neil, Nikki-” Max remeberd their faces filled with rage and sadness. He even brought Malva to tears. “God damn! Dont you have counsler counsling to prep for or something?! Just leave me alone!” He cut David off and walked away.

“I cant belive im saying this but.. I dont know if i wanna go to science camp!” Neil said looking at his friends, looking a little longer at Malva. “Yeah! What fun is adventuring without you guys!” Nikki joined in. “I just want things to be back to normal!” Vera continued. “I just want to be able to enjoy my summer. dosnt really help that my uh... lady problems...? are hittting in strong!” Malva ended it. “Max what do we do?!” Neil desperatly asked max his eyes getting glossy. Max was doing something on davids phone and didnt pay attention to the others. “Max?” Nikki asked once again also tearing up. “Huh? Are you guys still fraking out about this? Whats your problem?” Max rudely said turning away from the phone. “Our problem?” Neil questioned Max’s rude comment. “damnit..” Malva mumbled under her breath on the verge of tears. “i dont wanna say goodbye yet! You guys are my friends!” Nikki frowned. “Yea Max. Wtf” Vera questioned Max aswell seeing him brining Malva on the verge of tears.”were like a wolf pack!” Nikki said with a slight smile. Neil chimed in “Or a team of scientists (somthing) doing a new study!” “Or a wolf pack!” Nikki obviously liked her idea better.  “Jesus guys. Grow up! Did you think summer was gonna last forever? It was always gonna end this way! Camp campbell comes to a close, you get sent home, you move on with your lives.” Max said doing something on the phone once again, looking up from it at the end. “Look, we had a good run! But we were temporally friends at best!” Max ended it. The small group of friends looked at him in schock turning into rage or sadness. “oh...” Nikki said looking down. Malva silently started crying trying to make it stop while hugging herself. Vera looked angry with a mix of sadness and confusion. Neil started speaking. “Really?! THATS all we are to YOU?” He said in pure frustration. “Fucking hell Max! I know your meant to be rude or something but thats just messed up!” Vera said slightly motioning to malva who was still silently crying looking down. Max felt the regret hit his body. “I mean.. Look Neil-” He started scratching the back of his neck.”Nonono you’re right! Why would someone like you need a friend?! You were fine on your own before we showed up!” Neil looked down then turning his gaze to malva and back up again. “You’ll be fine once were gone.” Neil walked off into the bus. “Nikki come on! You get it, right?” Max asked Nikki. Nikkis face turned into anger. “Bye Max” She said walking into the bus aswell. “Malva?” Max looked at the girl who looked up from the ground showing red puffy eyes. She quickly hugged Vera before walking into the bus the doors closing behind her. Max looked at Vera with regeret but she just flipped him off and walked back into camp.

- time skip,, again.. bcs... yeah...-

“Happy reunion?”

-Ok time skip again. brining thr camp back togheter burning camps 3 more left to pick up-

“thats... Almost everyone!” Max looked up from the clip bord in his hands with a smile. “Phew... this has been a eventful day!” Vera smiled at Max. “Just 3 names left!” David happily said. Max felt the regret come back again. “Yeah. i wonder how they are doing..” Vera said thinking about what Malva had told her in the past about her fear and how it keeps her up at night crying. She slightly frowned. “You know my favorite part is the look on the counslers faces when you mention the test Davey! Their all like ‘whoa what!?’“

- yet another time skip -

“Yeah thats the other thing... they are actually.. here” Gwen said looking over to the room where the three kids sat looking upset or jus scared. “Here at camp core we dislike using the phrase ‘trouble makers’ and uh..” The old man looked at Malva. “I dont know what to call your situation... uhm. well get back to that later. Anyways as i said we dont like to use the term ‘trouble makers’” “We prefer children in need of love. And young lady you need to get sleep.” The old lady said looking at Malva. She looked up from her knees (she was hugging her legs in her chair ya’know?) with dark cicles under her eyes that were also red and puffy. “I know that youve been.. up from the past 5 nights crying.” Neil and Nikki looked at Malva with sorrow and Neil reached out for her hand giving it a tight squeeze. He returned to his angry expression while still holding her hand. Nikki returned to her angry expression aswell. “Based on your recent behavior blah blah”

-time skip til’ gwen comes in-

“Thank godness for that duel major in sike! Am i right? Why dont you two get out of here while i chat with these little rascals!” Gwen bursted into the room while the owners left. She quickly closed the door and looked at the kids infront of her. “Lets get the fuck out of here.” She said dramatically.

“And then Nancy was like ‘whos an idiot?’ and i told her to mind her own fUCKING BUISNESS!” Gwen said while staning in the elavator with the 3 kids, Malva and Neil still holding hands. “Personally. Thats when i would have started with the biting.” Nikki proudly said. “Waitwaitwait! Can you go back for a second? Were getting the camp back?!” Neil looked suprised. Gwen looked at him with a smile and calm expression. “Oh. Yeah. And everybody is here.” Gwen simply said. Neil, Nikki and Malva looked at eachother with unease. “Everybody?” Neil and Nikki said in unsion while Malva continued to be quiet.

“Heeeey! Long time no see!” Max said while holding up his hand for a high five. Neil and Nikki looked unipressed while Malva still looked sad. Vera quickly ran up to her brining her into a hug. “Heard you all started a bit of mayhem at your camps? Guess im rubbing off on you.” He nudged Nikki. “If you use mayehem to describe putting someone in an emotional state making them stay up for 5 nights crying!” Neil said grabbing Malvas hand again.. just bcs it felt right. Vera let go of Malva and looked at her with sympathy. “Oh look its the temporally friend of ours!” Neil continued. “Yes, the friend that isnt permanent.” Nikki joined in. “Come on guys! Things are gonna go back to the way they were. I promise! Ive got a plan!” Max tried to convince them. “Interesting. I figured you would have moved on with your life right now.” Neil sarcastically said. “I will aslo add a sarcastic remark as soon as i can think of one.” Nikki said. “Oh my! David and Gwen blah bLAHBALH FUCKING BLAH BCS MORE -TIME SKIP BITCH DEAL WITH IT.-

“Im. Im sorry. I didnt go thru all this trouble for camp campbell.. I did it.. for you guys.” Max said. Malva softend up a bit. “You guys are my friends.. And i just didnt want to admit it. Just once the time actually got to say goodbye.. i had something to lose! Well you know... trying to go thru life alone seems pretty fucking stupid know.” They all turned and looked at cameron campbell. “Oh what?! Am i supposed to be the big bad example here?!” He said. “We did everything we said out to do by doing it togheter. and had a little fun while doing so! But everything fell apart when you pushed it away..” David confronted Campbell. “Well yea! But i won!” He defended himself. “Won what exactly?” Gwen said unimpressed. “I got my life back!I can leave this country behind and leave everything behind! just not thailand... or russia.. burned all the bridges with north korea..” He scratched his chin. “With all that money you can just buy some new friends who will eventually hate your guts too” Max stated. “Well i- uh-” Cmeron was lost of words.

“Well *sigh* i guess this is goodbye.” Max said turning to his friends. “I just wanted you to know... Ill miss you!” Nikki smiled and Neil looked suprised. Malva gave a small smile and looked at him. Vera looked proud that he actually said something nice for once. “And im sorry we couldnt be friend for longer..” Max continued rubbing his shoulder. “Dont be such a dummy Max!” Nikki started. “Yeah! We might never see eachother again, but we’ll always be friends.” Neil continued. “Oh and i snuck my phone with me *cough* so ican just give you all my number and just msg me so can we have a group chat!” Malva said with a raspy smile and a toothy grin. “Hell yeah! See we sont lose contact!” Vera slightly nudged Malvas shoulder as she wrote donw her number 3 times on a piece of paper. “Awwwwwww.” The older ones said. “Group hug!” Dolph said and David ran and hugged Gwen, Max, Vera, Malva, Neil and Nikki. Until they heard a bus driving off. “Campbells gone.” QM said and pointed outside. They all watched him drive off. “Wow that typical.” Ered said.  Davids phone started ringing that Max had in his pocket. “Uhm David. Your phone.” Max said and handed the phone to David.

-Blah Campbell has a speech or whatever hh-

-They have an adorable ass water gun fight and everyones happy running around-

- Campbell comes.-

“You will now be taking orders from him” Mr. Miller pointed at David. Evryone turned to David. “Now its perfect!” David said acomplished. “Welcome to camp, asshole!” Max said crossing his arms. “OUR camp, asshole!” Vera joined in and put her hand on Max’s shoulder in a sassy kin of way. Max looked at her with a tint of blush but she just winked >;3c

They all turned and did their own thing until only the group of 5 was left in front of the mess hall. Malva gave Neil a quick peck on the cheek before running off to god nows where neils face turning red. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!” Vera fangirled and they laughed at Neils blushing madness. Okay bye

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

[eternalnightterrors]

sometimes i wonder, does he really mean what he says ? did he really not know or realize those things would upset me ? did he really mean it when he apologized ? even if he did mean it when he apologized, it doesnt rlly stop it from hurting any less.. He questions why im so anxious all the time or why im always questioning his actions but what else can i do ? ive never made him feel anxious the way he makes me feel anxious. which is good for him ofc but sucks bc he'll never understand what its like. ive never showed him nude pics of somebody else. ive never looked at anything nude even if it was a joke. i still dont understand why he even glanced at those pics of mari. like i really dont. he told me he glanced at it but still never gave me a reason why he did. did he do it to make it seem like he was paying attention ? or did he actually want to look? just why. it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. and i know his thoughts are probably going to be "this happened so long ago" and "why do i have to keep explaining myself" but how can i not think he's attracted to other people/things when he literally sent me a pic of some other girls pussy, looked at basically cleavage pics of mari after making jokes abt wanting to fuck her, called other people pretty including one of his coworkers (he said it was "by societys standards" but its obvious that he basically thought she was pretty cause why else would he say that) , plus theres more that i cant even remember right now. and he wonders why im such an anxious mess and why i feel uncomfortable or on edge with so many things and yes most of it is due to my ex plus my own boundaries but all this shit adding up in my head makes it worse. im not going to say he doesnt love me bc im sure he does. but do i think im the only one he looks at ? no. if im being honest i dont even think he gets off to pics of me. i feel like he looks at other things. honestly even if he is telling the truth or does end up telling me the truth even more, would i even believe it ? probably not. but maybe it'll calm my anxiousness. but i doubt it. sometimes i wonder if im better off alone so i dont have to feel this way all the time. but i know ill be miserable without him. i just dont want to deal with this anymore.. i dont even think i want to live anymore.

he claims he didnt know some of this stuff was wrong but how did he not know. isnt most of it common sense ? i dont want to tell him any of this because he'll either get mad or feel guilty but what can i do. everythings piling up again and i feel like im suffocating. he gets mad sometimes and doesnt understand why this stuff still upsets me. dont you think i wish i could forget it too ? it hurts me way more than it hurts you. you may feel hurt if im being distant or cold. or if it seems like im accusing. but for me. it hurts. it hurts so much. and i dont know whether to cry, throw upp, punch something, hurt myself , or anything . i really dont. i dont want to be like this anymore either. if i could just disappear i would. i havent had such dark thoughts in a while but lately everythings been swallowing me whole and i cant even stop for a second to breathe. im doing everything i can to distract myself but these thoughts wont go away. why wont they go away. what did i do so wrong. why me of all people. why do i have to hurt so bad. i dont want this pain anymore. i dont even think i want to feel anymore.