#cant believe i spent so long on this. ive been in the mines for so long and havent drawn a single thing yet HHSDJAHHAA

[isjasz]

O7 new layout, its about time I changed it :3 (cg glasses from maple!)

[81folklore]

dress - VETTEL - part 2

pairings: sebastian vettel x famous!reader (fc: taylor swift)

summary: its known that seb has been married for a few years now despite the public never seeing is wife, its also known that yn is in a committed relationship and has been since she disappeared from public eye. maybe they are more connected than people realise

authors note: part two because i didnt realise how long it had gotten but im allergic to actually writing.. also i apologize for the first part literally just being build-up.. i honestly didnt know about the 30 pic limit so...

authors note 2: i used google translate for the german so i hope its correct, also i dont know if petnames like darling or sunshine are used in germany but i had to use them

authors note 3: i actually hate how this turned out :/ but it was very hard to actually get my thoughts onto the page so this will do! this is part 2 so go read part 1 first!!

part 1 part 3 masterlist

ynupdates

liked by user5, user77, olliebearman and 45,920 others

YN IN THE F1 PADDOCK TODAY, I REPEAT YN IN THE PADDOCK

view comments

user77: sorry i dont follow f1, i thought the races were on sundays?

user5: dont be sorry! today is qualifying and tomorrow is the race!

user5: SHES THERE I CANT STAY CALM

user91: does anyone know who she was with in those photos of her by the track?

user5: sebastian vettel and mick schumacher!

user6: SHE WAS WATCHING QUALIFYING WITH SEB AND MICK?? SEB VETTEL?? AND MICK SCHUMACHER?? OH LORDDD

user12: i thought i would survive.. i lied

ynupdates

liked by user5, user20, user99 and 101,782 others

seems like yn is with redbull at todays race looking as gorgous as ever!

view comments

user5: OH OH OH OH

user5: SHE IS STUNING HOLY

user20: her style recently has been AMAZING

user68: out of every team i think redbull would have been one of my last guesses

user6: THE WAY SHE IS WITH REDBULL AND SPENT QUALIFYING WITH REDBULLS GOLDEN BOY OH I FEEL SICK

user99: i love her so much

user42: at least her team will win

user591: IS SHE WEARING A WEDDING RING??

user618: i think so?? honestly i wouldnt be surprised shes very private and has been with her partner for almost 8 years so no wonder he popped the question

user90: i need her to be at every gp

ynupdates

liked by charles_leclerc, user55, user81 and 234,891 others

yn on stage performing dress during the post-race concert at suzuka! as far as we know it was a complete surprise, she came on to sing dress then left. this is her second time performing it to a live audience!

view comments

user81: WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO HEAR DRESS LIVE

user5: charles and seb were both spotted watching her from the side of the stage!

user81: charles taking seb to see his favorite artist..what if i cried

user55: i cant believe i lost dress twice without even knowing i could lose it😭

user8: i hope she had so much fun, ive missed her doing stuff like this :’)

user12: apparently she was laughing and looking off stage at someone throughout, possibly her partner?

user1: SHE AWLAYS LOOKS SO GOOD

user13: so much content this weekend..im going to have major withdrawls

yourusername

liked by sebastianvettel, mickschumacher and 13,712,847 others

four years ago i was given the pleasure of marrying my best friend

i am unable to really put into words how much meeting you and getting to spend the rest of my life with you has changed my life seb, but i tell you i love you enough daily that i hope you understand

when we first met i had no idea how much you would impact me and the way i think, but you have helped me become the woman i am today and i am forever grateful for that

i often feel unworthy of the life you have given me, the life we have together. i wonder how i got to be the one you love and cherish and i know how lucky i am to be the one you spend your life with

you gave me your heart and i promise to look after it for as long as im here, i promise to keep it safe and i know you will look after mine

danke, dass du mich liebst, danke, dass du dich um mich kümmerst. (thank you for loving me, thank you for taking care of me) Ich verspreche, dich bis zu meinem letzten Atemzug zu lieben. (I promise to love you until my last breath) Ich werde nie aufhören, dich zu lieben, Mein Sonnenschein. (I will never stop loving you, my sunshine)

tagged: sebastianvettel

comments on this post have been limited

sebastianvettel: Danke, dass du dein Herz geöffnet hast und mich dich lieben lässt, mein Schatz (Thank you for opening your heart and letting me love you, my darling)

sebastianvettel

liked by yourusername, lewishamilton and 8,728,712 others

I won the most important race. It was the race into the heart of the love of my life, yn. I love you.

view comments

yourusername: 🩵🩵🩵

user5: I CANT DO THIS STOP

user12: hes so sweet :(

user18: ive known about them for a total of 2 minutes but i love them already🫡

user6: dress was written about him…

user71: i feel ill wehn will i get posted like this

sebastianvettel

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername, landonorris and 10,120,859 others

the sunshine of my life

view comments

yourusername: i love you so much

lewishamilton: very happy for you mate!

user13: THEY LOVE EACHOTHER SO MUCH OH MY GOD😭😭

landonorris: 🥹🥹

user82: DRESS WAS WRITTEN BY HER FOR HIM AND HE WAS PROUD OF IT OH LORD

user5: literally my favorite people in the entire universe🫶

user19: still in shock that theyve been married for four years

[nerves-nebula]

Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

[oohbuggypie]

bulldon ramble? **sad violin music**

WHO SENT THIS . SHOW URSELF . BULLDON MENTION THE WORLD STARTED SPINNING I GOT DIZZY AND DOUBLED OVER IN STOMACH PAIN INDUCED BY PURE JOY . BullDon augghh yuughhhh ugh ough ouhh ... taking poison damage because i love them so much . where do i start .

have u seen my ridiculously long post about BullDon already ? bcuz if u haven't it's linked and i think u might love that 🩷 HOWEVER BullDon runs in my veins and i think i can contribute even more to this so ramble NOW!! adding a below cut because i wanna explain the story behind the central headcanon so it may get a leeeetle long + i know some people don't care for ship talk 🩷

okay one of my headcanons mentioned in a previous post is that Don absolutely loves vintage cars . he doesn't exactly care for working on/the restoration of vehicles bcuz he isn't a big fan of spending all that money he cant spare on the correct parts, as well as the hyperspecific research that goes into it .. but that man is head over heels for an old Chevy Bel Air Convertible, particularly one with a glossy red exterior and a cream interior. like that's his dream car above all else, and it's something he's wanted since he was 20

anooother headcanon of mine i believe ive mentioned is that Bull has MONEY! considering that he's a world circuit professional boxer, he gets around in a limousine in his comic strip, and is canonically a celebrity ,, why wouldn't he be at least a LITTLE rich ?? however, despite those riches, he doesn't seem to flaunt it , let alone be the type to rub it in others' faces

so between these two headcanons and incorporating my own culture into my fav things .... i think that throughout their "relationship" (lts unlabeled, they just kiss on each other and r quietly in love), as they got closer and got to know each other more, Bull observed the fact that Don would become ecstatic over any old cars that passed them he on the streets . when Don would see them, he'd make remarks about their beauty and how admirous he was of anybody who owned such treasures. Bull had always cared and been fascinated by Don's love for the cars, but he had never taken into account that he may have a desired one of his own. so one day, amidst Don's ramblings, Bull asked him what HIS favorite kind of vintage car was and why. he knew Don would be happy to share, and Bull was genuinely just interested and wanted to know more- but not only did he simply want to know of his interests and passions - he def had a lil smthn in mind ..

upon learning of the Bel Air Convertible, Bull began spending copious amounts of any spare time he got researching this car; all of its parts, all the models and the years they were released, the special features and their availability in the current times .. any and everything anybody knew about that car, he made sure he knew more. he was determined to buy this car for Don as means to express his love and care for not only him, but his hobbies and happiness .

seeing that Bull spent a majority of his time in New York due to his regarded position in the World Circuit and Don's lesser (but still significant) position in the Major Circuit, having time to freely search around uninterrupted, let alone secretively, was next to impossible . it stressed him out for sure .. until about two months after he learned about Don's dream car; Don informed the WVBA and Bull personally that he would be returning home to Madrid for a month's time to reconcile with his family after being separated for the sake of his career for such large bouts of time. it broke Bull's heart to be separated from someone he loved for such a long period, but at the same time this was his desperately needed opportunity to begin searching for anybody in possession of the car, and figure out how long it would take him to both get work done on it and have it be functional

GETTING TO THE MAIN POINT IM SPEEDING THIS SHIT UP CUZ IM SOO TIRED + HAVE TO BE OUT OF HERE IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES + I DONT WANNA BORE U 😭

as afore mentioned, the cost of this car (absolute minimum now is about 36k , so i believe 25k? in 2009) wasn't a deathly problem for Bull; he took every step he had to no matter the cost to get the Bel Air properly repaired. when it came time for the paint job, he had to consider just what KIND of red Don really wanted and how it may make or break not only the beauty, but the sentiment of this car. it was the most nerve-racking factor of the entire process; but after some thought he settled for a Cola red. and sure enough, when the time came that Don returned to New York, there aren't words true enough to describe how hard Don cried and how joyous he was for such thought in his name. He couldn't hug or kiss Bull enough, but he could do ONEE thing that would solidify their love

Don taught Bull about cruising and the "culture" of lowriders !!!!!! this is exactly the reason he wanted this car; to cruise with somebody he loves down any and every street they could, in daylight and at night. he made playlists of music he inserted into a drive so that he could have his favorite music play on the radio while they drove about. he taught Bull all about the love that goes into these cars, the love that goes into cruising, and even the love they'd receive from people on the streets when they saw them. Don got to drive the car first, no doubt about that; but his intention never was to hog it! he wanted Bull to learn how to cruise and when the best times were, and eventually he perfected the position in which he drove so that it was no longer just "driving" to him; it was about the love, the smoothness, and the memories it would make

they adore the day drives in summertime an indescribable amount, but their favorite cruises are the ones at night through the downtown roads. that's when the lack of seat belts in old vehicles let Don slide close to Bull and lean on his shoulder, and when they pulled into and parked wherever they resided for the night he could put his hand to Bull's chest and kiss his cheek 🩷

OMG I AM SO LATE TO THIS ONE ANON I AM SO SORRY ! I SAW IT THE SECOND ÌT GOT SUBMITTED BUT IVE BEEN BUSY AS HELL !! BUT FINALLY HEREEE i hope this wasn't too long or too short or tewww boring BUT ITS ONE OF MY DEAREST BULLDON HEADCANONS 🩷 I HOPE U LOVE IT AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR THE ASK 🥹

[fedorahead]

ok i originally posted this on facebook but imma overshare here too

hi my name is z yes the letter and i like vampires and pirates and movies about magic and cats

i hate nightmare before christmas because clay mation is weird but i really like wallace and gromit and other stuff aardman makes

i have 2 tattoos of a sun and a cloud on my knees and the cloud knee was aching real bad today because of the weather

i have naturally strawberry blonde hair but when i'm depressed and malnourished it turns brown. i usually dye it auburn but this most recent red was supposed to be black

my favourite animal is a dragon THEYRE NOT IMAGINARY THEY'RE EXTINCT and i also like goats and crows and cats

i collect fashion dolls like fashion polly and sometimes i'll buy a barbie if i like her outfit and i have one rainbow high doll too and i love her

i sew but i am usually too depressed to start and always too adhd to finish

i am diagnosed with adhd which is why i can be so rAnDuMm! but i am also a millenial and we were all like that. i also think i'm autistic and no i can't afford the assessment but everyone who's met me pretty much agrees.

i spent a long time behaving how people want me to, i'm real good at guessing that and adapting to it, and it was crushing my soul and i only did it because any form of social rejection feels like being in life threatening danger to my brain which was comppunded by spending years in extremely abusive situations and online in social circles where rejection could lead to your livelihood and maybe even your life being interrupted making me keep feeling like my fears were more and more valid and real until every part of me that made peiple visibly uncomfortable was cut away and i was charming, clever, and expressed emotions in socially appropriate ways like being mean or asking as many people as possible for their opinion on something before forming mine even though when i actually would then express that stance nobody would back me up becaus people arent honest avout their intentions or expectations which leads to those of us with a strong sense of justice standing up for causes the people who set us at them don't even really believe in

i spent most of my life stuck in this zone of knowing that whatever makes me me leads to isolation and social rejection whcih in turn is dangerous to my physical abd mental health and wellbeing and every hint of rejection sent off cascades of cortisol and adrenaline in my brain and would cause panic attacks and complete non functionality and so ive suppressed that stuff and became someone at lwast the barest amount of acceptable by reading the cues of what people appreciate and approve of and enjoy heing around to the point where i think i can see the real me through a fogged coke bottle glass of memory but i cant make out many details and i'm pretty sure that kid is dead

but the bits of me that have poked through against my efforts are still bouncing around and maybe i can build someone i like out of those instead of resenting them for being unshakable

the first step is embracing the annoying and spontaneous and oversharing side of myself that has been screaming to come out and is constantly locked back in when i wait for someone else's approval

so here you go

i'm 31, and i'm still proc3ssing a lot of my teenage emotions and probably will be for the rest of my life. i am angsty and bitchy and hungry all the time and i love fashion and art and expression and have a passion for weilding the written word with different stances and flourishes to really get a point across stylistically

and it's interesting to think how mcuh of me jas been suppressed for my own safety, even when i didn't know who i was hiding from.

like, some of the safety mechanisms just turned bacn the fuck on a few years ago and nobody really noticed or knew why. and i can track what bad relationship lead me to go from being a super sex positive out loud feminist with strong political convictions and a come at me bro attitude towards censorship, morality, and sexuality to being someone afraid to have anyone know anything i was passionate about, especially when it came to relationships or sex or social justice because those things had been used against me in pretty awful ways, but i was getting better and healing and then that all got shut back up into that tiny box because i had someone in my friends circle who was predatory and sadistic and i didn't even realize how unsafe i felt around him until he started hurting my friends. and even while i was singing his virtues and trying to sell people on his good side i still was uneasy and i just didn't attribute it to him until *his* mask dropped (a secondntime) and i put the pieces together. and honestly? if i had been open in the ways i'd been before all the trauma, i would have been a perfect victim for him. which is, i'm sure, why he started talking to me every week, making sure i'd be at amtgard, right around the time i was starting to come back into my own and start opening up to the world a little more. but that whole part of me got fucked up for a little while by life and by the general bad vibe i had, like i knew being open about sexuality and sex would put me in danger even though i could not see by whom

anyway i quit amtgard. whether he comes back or not, i dont really care, i dont want to be in a community that isn't vigilant and while i wasnt in real danger because i choose to surround myself with people who watch me like a hawk, that's not a community thing and if i hadnt been there when i was, watching someone else like a hawk, some worse shit would have happened.

i'd rather be myself, with all the risks that come with that, and stay safe with my circle rather than being comfortable in a place i have no business being comfortable with people i don't truly know, suppressing who i am because i know that that person is in danger. for wahtever reason, social or physical.

anyway today i'm trying to be honest and true to myself an dthat means a lot of dunb posts that i'll definitely be judged for, and i gotta practice being judged without wanting to kill myself ao here are my cards on the table i guess.

[jadeittic]

HS + Y/I: 2022 (SERIES)

EXTRA (4)

PREVIOUS. NEXT.

HARRY STYLES + PLATONIC!EX-1D MEMBER!FEM!READER

WARNINGS: ur usual instagram comments, swearing

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, blakelively, dkharbour, and 6,355,977 others

harrystyles HS + Y/I. Out now.

view all 321,764 comments

yourinstagram 🤔

username THE LONG AWAITED COLLABORATION

florencepugh im such a proud mom

username ive never felt at home until i listened to their music. youve helped me alot<3

username I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PROUD OF ANYONE EVER.

timotheechalamet I HAVE THIS ON REPEAT

username is it possible to have a relationship with the both of you please 😊

username preventing myself from writing a whole ass essay just because of this

username LITTLE FREAK???? MATILDA???? WHO HURT YALL 😔

username NOW WHOS CINEMA WRITTEN ABT

username i hope you two know that youve helped me so much i dont even know how to explain it in words

yourinstagram

liked by austinbutler, benbarnes, devonleecarson, and 4,805,472 others

yourinstagram a little birdie told me we released hs + y/i today 🧐

view all 290,849 comments

zendaya SO PROUD OF MY GIRL!!!! ❤️

austinbutler ❤️

username 🤨🤨🤨 hello??????????

username is this the duo we never knew we needed

username i have never ever been so confused with my life until i read the comments

harrystyles Alice would love this. Not sure about Jack, though.

username WHOS ALICE??? JACK??? I AM SO CONFUSED

username I JUST LISTENED TO THE ALBUM AND ITS WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AND AMAZING. YOU BOTH ARE AMAZING.

username first austin, now HARRY????

username THIS ALBUM SAVED MY LIFE

username WHEN HAVE YOU EVER MADE A BAD SONG. THATS RIGHT, NEVER.

ynrrystan

liked by username, and 23,160 others

ynrrystan YN LN seen leaving the airport at NYC just this morning. It is rumored that Harry Styles was seen with her a few minutes before.

view all 5,694 comments

username 2022 IS THEIR YEAR!

username you cannot even see a small hint of jet lag on her face that is so impressive

username is she and harry going to perform?? if so im so looking forward to it!

username I WILL NEVER STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO HS + Y/I. EVEN IF I DIE

username ARE THEY HAVING SHOW

username it is not confirmed but it is said that they will perform hs + y/i

username SHES SO EFFORTLESSLY BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOSHHHH

username THIS IS A CHANCE I GET TO SEE THEM AGAIN I LIVE IN NYC

yourinstagram

liked by clairo, maitreyiramakrishnan, simuliu, and 4,374,625 others

yourinstagram reminder: this is one night only, nyc.

view all 478,825 comments

username WHY IS SHE SO HOT WHAT

username IM SO SAD I CANT GO WTF I SPENT ALL MY MONEY AT COACHELLA

username harry you are so goddamn lucky to even talk to her omgggg

username YNRRY👏ONO👏LETS👏GOOOO👏

username YALL ARE SO BUSY TAKE A BREAK

yourinstagram believe me im trying to. someones stopping me from doing so

harrystyles You’re making me the bad guy again.

username so fucking excited to see yall tomorrow

username YOU DONT KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF THIS

ynupdates

liked by username, and 26,473 others

ynupdates yn ln and harry styles tonight at one night only nyc!

view all 13,650 comments

username THEY COMPLIMENT ONE ANOTHER SO WELL

username OMG EVEN IF THEYRE WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES THEY MANAGE TO FIT TOGETHER

username what the fuuuuuck I WASNT THERE 😭

username SO FUCKING POWERFUL

username THE DUALITY THESE TWO HAVE

username is it still love at first sight if ive seen them more than once

username THE SUNGLASSES ARE MINE HOLY LORD SHE WORE IT

username LUCKYYYYY

username ITS LIKE YNRRY AT 1D ALL OVER AGAIN IM CRYINF

username WHAT I WOULD DO TO REWIND TONIGHT

ynrryforeva

liked by username, and 14,972 others

ynrryforeva one night only, nyc

view all 5,728 comments

username god and goddess

username sometimes soulmates dont need to be romantic

username she played safe and she didnt trip

yourinstagram DONT REMIND ME

username THEY WERE SO HYPER TONIGHT I COULDNT KEEP UP

username I WANT THEY HAD BEFORE STAGE

username WHEN THEY SANG LITTLE FREAK. I HAVE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH

username tell me why i was expecting the other boys to show up.

username WHY ARE THEY SO

username MOM AND DADD

username i had a sore throat after the show

ynupdates

liked by username, and 9,428 others

ynupdates yn ln covers lady gaga’s judas at one night only, new york!

view all 5,496 comments

username SHES THE BIGGEST LADY GAGA FAN I KNOW

username mommy? sorry. mommy..?

username HARRY WAS SO PROUD OF HER

username does she know what she does to us

username THIS COVER WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY MIND RENT FREE

username actually guys she sang that to me bcs she knew judas is my favorite song

username girl…. ik you dont know me but…

username im coming to all of yall as a woman..

username EVEN HARRY BECAME A FANBOY

username SHES SO MOMMY

username ONG SHE CAN USE ME EVERYDAY

username she acts, she models, she sings, omg girl what else can you not do?

yourinstagram

liked by conangray, hichasestokes, madelyncline, and 7,663,555 others

yourinstagram this was one night only, new york.

view all 349,991 comments

username OOOO WHAT A CHANGE OF POSTING

username THIS PHOTO. LORD HAVE MERCY

username im gonna say this one more time… ALL HAIL YNRRY!

username AS YOU SHOULD

username DAMN FUCKING RIGHT

username fruit king

username YALL DROPPED THIS 👑👑

username THEYRE BREAKING THE WORLD

username ON MY KNEES FOR THIS MAN

username THE OUTFITS YALL GAVE US

harrystyles

liked by clairo, kit.connor, maudeapatow, and 7,621,733 others

harrystyles One Night Only. New York. May, 2022.

view all 366,267 comments

username JUDAS QUEEENNNNN

username I WISH I WAS THERE

username SO SO SO SO SO PROUD OMGGG

username i experienced this moment. this exact moment im telling you

username ROCKSTAR BF AND GF

username THE GOATTTT

username the vibes they put on stage that night. i will do anything to experience that again.

username got me crying and shiiii

username THEY LOOKED SO HAPPY ON STAGE I MISSED THEM BOTH TOGETHER

[mayo-advance]

My Season 2 ianowt theories

...Since its canceled and now we will never know

So since ianowt has been canceled I have decided to share my season 2 theories on here without them becoming dated when the season was gonna come out. Ive spent hours pondering this and I hope yalls like what ive come up with.

So the first thing we are going to discuss is Sydney. and whats going to happen with sydney. At the end of season 1 Sydney murdered Brad by accident and was eunning from the cops. The season ended with a shot of her on the tower and a strange man was behind her. A man who could do weird things like she could.

Since im a sucker for the trope i was hoping he could train her to control her powers whole they hide in the forest. And while that is happening i hope we see the after effects of what happened at homecoming. Her realizing the weight of all that happened with her being outed and killing someone. I was hoping to see her struggling with dealing with it. And how that in turn would make her struggle with her powers. We saw how she reacted to killing the hedgehog, saying how “her weirdness has a body count” and we saw her freak out when she could have hurt Stan at the bowling alley, so her reaction to actually killing a human is going to affect her and in turn affect her ability to control her powers. 

Another smaller thing that will tie into some stuff further into my lil essay, I want there to be a subplot of Syd or even Stan or Dina trying to figure out where Syds powers originate. I think Stan would be the best choice because Syds storyline is dealing with her powers and what she did and we are going to get to Dina but Dina also has a little character arc already planned out. I will get into this more while going into discussion about Stan.

The next thing im going to talk about is the strange mans identity. Now the identity of the man is going to split this lil essay in to two parts, for my two main theories because they effect the storylines of other characters.

The first theory that is actually not mine, and is actually actor Wyatt Oleffs theory, is that the man is Stan when hes older. This does not explain how Stan would obtain such powers, but if Stan tries to figure out how Syd got her powers and succeeded in finding out, he could obtain them for himself. Im not saying hed try to make himself have them, though i think hed either gain them by accident, or take them only to aid him to help find Sydney Novak. 

Following this timeline (we will go back on my other theory of the strange man) basically, Stan was unconscious when Brad blew his top, and so Stan wakes up, and theres blood everywhere, theres a body, and Sydney is gone. Id like to think it doesn’t take him long to catch on to what happens, maybe a few days at most to get a solid idea, and then i think he would go and look for Sydney. I think he would look around town first, maybe see some newspapers with her face, hear the locals discussing it, and I think he wouldn’t know what to think. He wants to believe that it was an accident because he knows she can’t control her powers, but at the same time she killed someone, and he cant just brush that off and ignore it. 

I think next he would go into the wood where Sydney is, and at this point its been days, she could be states away, but he goes and looks anyways because he wants to hear the story from her, from her point of view. And he catches glimpses of her but she always runs, always dissappears (remember she killed someone and her arc is dealing with the fact that she did it, she is afraid of hurting stan too,  especially when this mindset is making her powers unstable) And eventually he would give up. Not because he thinks shes gone,  but because he acknowledges that she isn’t going to let him find her. 

So instead of trying to find her, he starts trying to find out where she could have gotten her powers, Because if he can find where they come from, how they were obtained, maybe he can help her get rid of them if she hates them so much. And Stanly Barber, being the comics geek he is, starts looking into military possibilities (what it happens in a lot of superhero comics) And he starts trying to figure out about her dad. 

This is difficult at first, because at this point id think its early spring of senior year, and he has school. But i think hed stick with looking where he can because he wants to help Sydney. He enters the military for it in fact. He starts asking around. And eventually he finds it. The program that Syds dad was in. An enhanced human military project. And he breaks some rules, and long story short. now hes got powers. I have not decided if the time travel is a power he has or if he finds it in the military secret projects somewhere, honestly either

option works. And so he goes back in time. To the night where it all went wrong. And he has to try a few times because he didn’t know where she went after the blow. 

But he eventaully finds her. At the top of the watchtower that he talked to her about. The one his grandpa helped build (? its been a few months forgive me if this is incorrect) And now hes gonna help her. He cant take the powers away. that was never the militarys focus on the project. But he can help her stop fearing herself.

The last part of this timeline (lets call it theory 1) Is Dina. Now this timeline is difficult with Dina because i simply had no clue what to do with her. So this is me ad libbing. Enjoy.

Now both timelines start the same. With Stan trying to find Syd...

And Dina taking Syds bloodied diary off of the corpse of her dead ex. Dina hadnt even been broken up with him for a few days. I know that somewhere in her, she still loved him because its simply not that easy to drop forged attachments. So this starts with a blood covered Dina, in shock and in grief. 

She doesnt know why she took the diary. Maybe she wanted to read what Syd wrote about her. About their kiss. All we know is that she took it. And at first she put it under her mattress and didnt touch it, because she was angry and scared, and maybe a lil confused. I know for sure she was mad and confused because Brad never got to the part about Sydneys powers. All Dina knows is that he was trashing Sydney and then he was dead. And she knows Syd ran. And why would an innocent person run. So shes mad. and then she slowly calms down, but not all the way because she has a right to be mad. She eventaully opens the bloody diary, some parts are obscured by crimson, so she cant read it all.

What she does understand is that Sydney Novak, her (ex) best friend, can do some freaky stuff, and she cant control it. The blood blots some stuff out though. And so she goes to her next most relible source aside from Syds exact therapy diary, Stanly. She shows up at his house late at night, and hes home (He pulled an all nighter the night before thinking maybe Sydney is out at night so theres a lower chance of her getting caught and now hes resting up) Stan wont tell her everything, but he tells her some stuff. Like how Sydneys power is usually triggered. And that he and sydney didnt in fact bang in the library (Dina already knew they didnt but Stan didnt know that she knew) And so then Dina decides that Stan isnt enough help and so she agrees to try searching in the woods with him.

They do this and in this timeline Dina gets bored of it and gives up sooner than Stan. And then some years pass, time skip. And now shes an adult who still has the bloody diary tucked away. And suddenly adult stan is at her door saying he knows how to help Sydney. Hes talking too fast for Dina to understand, she doesnt join him in the past but then suddenly a few days later in her time and hes there with an adult Sydney (because adult stan in the past helps her and then says he will find her im the future and he does and he reunites her and Dina) 

And now its time to make some grim clarifications. Sydney and Dina do not get together in this timeline for 2 reasons. 1 Its been a long time since theyve seen each other and they now have their own lives. and 2 Dina is married because lets be honest Dina would probably find a perfect SO at like the age of 20 and then theyd get married by 21 and boom happy life.

So thats the end of the first timeline. As i said for Dinas part i was improve so forgive me if it doesnt hold up. Now my second timeline on the other hand, was not prompted by what the actors wanted and was my whole original plotline so this one will be a lot better i swear.

Ok so as i said earlier, this one starts similarly to the other: With stan looking for syd, dina finding the diary,, and stan and Dina teaming up.

But in this one the man isnt Stan. The man instead is an old friend of Sydneys dad. And they served in the military together. They served in the same initiative and thats how they got powers, and Sydneys dad gave his powers to her via genetics. Her dad went through a lot of what she is going through now, with having gone through something and it scaring them and making their powers unstable, and that damaged his mental health, and that is why he committed. And Sydney gets that explained to her later in the season when her arc comes to a climax and shes close to losing control but we will get into that with Stan and Dina.

The man is an old friend of Sydneys dad and he is determined to train her so that she wont meet the same fate her father did. This is me personally id like to think the strange man had affections for Sydneys dad that he never acted on not because of gay but so I could draw parallels between Sydney and Dinas relationship with that of Her dad and his friend. but thats just me.

Stan and Dinas arc goes very similarly to the last theory except they dont stop looking because they are getting closer. They keep stumbling upon Sydney closer and closer, they even got to say some things to her before she ran. Shes getting more panicked because she doesnt want to hurt them but they want to talk to her. 

And this leads to the cliche seasonal character climax where they finally do catch up to her. In an old rotting barn in the forest. They catch up and she doesnt want to run because shes afraid shes going to drop the building on them. Stan tries to slowly ease into conversation but sydney isnt responding her eyes are closed and shes taking deep breaths. Stan is remembering the time she chucked bowling balls at him. But at the same time hes so close to getting his friend back. And then Sydney opens her mouth and Dina finally sees a chance and starts asking questions, and the more questions she asks, the more her initial frustration builds up and she pulls the diary out of her bag while Stan is trying to stop her and she throws it to the ground and when it hits the ground the building starts to fall, and its old wood so its light but theres a lot of it. Ut starts to fall because Sydney is panicking. And then the man shows up and he cant move things with his mind so all he can do is teleport Sydney out of there,, he doesnt have time to focus on Dina and Stan and in that moment he chooses the girl hes been working to save.

And then Sydney is standing there like “oh no i killed them too” and freaking out and the trees start swaying and then the man is trying to talk to her and shes overwhelmed and suddenly he says “This is the same thing that happened to your dad” or something about like why her dad committed because like thats been the big question for the past two seasons. thats how stan triggered her powers. Because her dad didnt leave a note, he left her and she didnt even know why. And now she can have an answer.

Now dont go thinking she magically gains control of her powers but then she starts breathing and shes not like having such a severe attack but shes still panicky and in sort of a shock state and then the boards from the barn move a bit and then shes like “oH theyre not dead” and goes and digs them out and then Stan just hugs her because hes realized how truly wary she is of herself and tho Dina is still mad Dina hugs her too because at least she has Sydney back.

In this one Sydney and Dina might get together but if they do it will take years because of what happened to Brad and Syd dropping a building on them.

And that big ending scene was also improv.

i was gonna have her lift the building off of them with her powers but then I was like wait thats the plot of frozen.

And now (dont worry its almost over) a short section of other things the season could include but i cut because i was too lazy to write a third theory or because they are so miniscule in the grand scheme of things:

Sydneys family-The police-the military searching for syd- brads friend from s1-the rest of the school- that emo girl- the schools reaction- more of stan i swear he does more than i make it sound like

Thank you all for reading! I will happily discuss with yalls if yalls want

also ik this is super messy but I hope yalls can like see what i’m getting at...

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Diary of A Star Crossed Lover Part 2

just a short series ...well not really a series...but still a series! , that ive been working on! there are a few series i’’ve had to put on hold as im just not feeling them right now, and i only want to put my best out for you to read! hope you enjoy this series as much as i have enjoyed writing it!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Liam x MC

Summary: Liam dives into riley most inner thoughts and dreams...

Word Count: 2,655

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments. Ive tried to tag everyone, please don’t hesitate to msg and let me know if i forgot to tag you!

June 14th

Dear Diary…

Here I am…sitting in the middle of a foreign country…Cordonia, When Maxwell appeared at my apartment and asked me if I wanted to come to Cordonia and compete for Liam's hand in marriage…I mean…is there really a choice in the matter…stay and be a waitress for the rest of my life…come and have the time of my life, with an amazing guy! I’ve never been one to shoot my shot or anything, but this is a once in a lifetime chance, Liam is Amazing, Exciting and extremely handsome, how could I possibly say no?

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam placed Riley's diary down on the table as Drake entered his office.

“Drake” Liam greeted him.

“Hey, I just came to see if we’re still on for Poker night tomorrow?”

“I’ll have to postpone for about 30 minutes but we’re definitely still on for it!!”

“alright, I just wanted to check, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing”

After Drake left, Liam lifted the diary again.

June 26th

Dear Diary,

After the derby and the picnic today, we all went out for cronuts, I can’t believe they’ve never tried them! getting to spend some time with Liam was amazing, even though there were others there, just getting to be with him outside of the court was just amazing. My heart just about jumped out of my body, when we were sitting in the café, and I felt his fingers brush my hand, then his hand linked with mine, he gave it a gentle squeeze then smiled when I looked at him. God I love his smile!

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam smirked as he turned the page over,

June 27th

Dear Diary,

Today we are heading to Lythikos, Olivia’s neck of the woods. She has the upper hand here; I need to be careful. Well that’s what Max said anyway…I kind of like Olivia, she’s a strong, bold woman…I cant fault her for that, I mean of course she could be a little nicer but, I think she and I could maybe get along one day.

The thing that scares me about this whole situation…is I’m falling in love with Liam…but it doesn’t matter…its all down to who he chooses, so we could get to the end of the social season and he chooses one of the other ladies…I feel like a prize to be won…I’m not sure how I feel about that… I’m no one’s trophy, and I know there’s no ill intent on Liam's part, but in the end…it’s his decision that’s going to either make or break my life…if I am the one he chooses, I become his wife, the countries queen! But if he chooses someone else, I go home, with nothing, just the embarrassment of going home, known as the “foolish” woman who followed a total stranger to a foreign country after spending a few hours together, hoping he would fall in love with her. I want to believe he will choose me, he has never given me reason to think he wouldn’t, but at the same time, I have to be realistic, I have only known Liam for a matter of weeks…

If it’s a choice of fear or hope…I think ill choose hope, hope that Liam is feeling the same amazing connection that I am, from the moment we met I felt some kind of magnetic pull towards him, and I know he felt it too…I don’t want to live in fear of what might possibly happen, I want to have hope…that he’s falling in love with me too.

Love you Muchly…Riley x

 A frown found itself upon Liam's face as he reread the last entry, she was right…the ladies were basically put on a buffet table for him to take his pick of whoever he wanted… Riley had very rarely spoken about her thoughts if Liam wasn’t to choose her, was she really that scared that he wouldn’t and that’s why she didn’t mention it, or did she just have that much faith in him? he loved her from the minute they met, he would choose her over any woman in the world, without a pause for thought, it was always Riley, and he would spend the rest of his life, showing her, she was always the one, she will always be the one for him.

He turned the page over and began the next entry.

27th June

Dear Diary…

I’ve been here just about two weeks and my god, it is AMAZING! I mean, I wish I could spend so much more time with Liam but he says he has to spend time with the other girls too so it doesn’t look to obvious…I won’t lie, I won’t deny it…it makes me kind of jealous, I wish I could spend every day with that man, whenever I’m around him I just feel…free…I feel like I don’t have to hide anything, I don’t feel self-conscious, I don’t feel anxious, or nervous! He just makes me feel at peace. I’ve never felt so comfortable just being in a room with someone. We managed to sneak a kiss or two, I want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way his kisses make me feel. when Olivia kissed Liam…boy did my heart sink, I know he didn’t want to kiss her, he told me that himself, but seeing someone else kiss him just made me feel…some kind of way. He invited me up to his room after the ball, which I happily agreed to! I could never turn down more time with Liam. When I arrived at his room and he had lit candles oh my goodness, I don’t think ive ever had someone be that romantic…when I asked him and he blushed, my god! Liam and I spent ages in the hot tub, we kissed, we y’know…messed around a little bit and we had a real deep conversation about love, about life, Ive never seen him as relaxed than he was last night. Being in his arms…it just felt so right. When we got out of the hot tub and he made us hot chocolate to sit and drink Infront of the fire, its just turning 2am and I’m only just getting back, if I’d stayed any longer the two of us would have fell asleep, as much as we would have both loved that, it wouldn’t have looked very good anyone seen I was leaving Liam's room, in his clothes after spending the night with him then stayed over. Let it be known, if we could have…we would have.

Love you Muchly…Riley

 Liam grinned as he remembered that night all too well. That night he spent with Riley was one of the best nights he ever had.

June 27th

Riley sat with her eyes closed, cuddled into Liam's chest, with his arms wrapped around her. The hot bubbly, steamy water keeping them warm on the cold night. Liam pressed a gentle kiss to Riley's head “Riley?” he whispered, as he gently ran his hand through her hair. “yeah” she replied

“What does Love mean to you?” Liam gently traced his fingers over her cheek as he looked down to see her so relaxed. Riley opened her eyes as she looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile.

“Love means accepting you for who they are, and not wanting to change you. it means loving you and standing by you through the worst times. It means loving you even when you are in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. Love means, that I know you’re deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine, it means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go, it means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly and hoping…just hoping that you feel the same way for me …I think Love is just a word…until someone comes along and gives it meaning, and when that someone comes along, Love becomes this…whole new adventure.”

“Riley…” Liam whispered with a smile as he leaned in placing the sweetest kiss on her lips, her fingers lacing through the hair on the back of his neck.

Not long later, Liam whispered, breaking the peaceful silence that the two had fell into.

“do you want to get some hot chocolate and we can sit in front of the fireplace?”

“that sounds like a great idea”

Liam climbed out of the hot tub, then offered Riley his hand to help her out. She thanked him as he lifted a towel and wrapped it around her, then got himself one.

“I don’t have any dry clothes Liam; I only have my dress”

“I’m sure I have something you can put on” Liam assured her. They made their way into Liam's bedroom; Liam went to his suitcase where he pulled out a t shirt and a pair of shorts.

“I hope these are alright for you”

“they’re perfect, thank you”

Riley moved into the bathroom where she changed out of her soaking undergarments and into the fresh, dry clothes then she made her way back into the bedroom. Liam was in a pair of grey shorts and a plain white t shirt; he was stood in his little kitchenette just finishing the hot chocolate. He brought them over to Riley, placing them on the floor beside where he had sat some cushions on the floor for them. Riley sat down, whilst Liam grabbed a blanket from the bed, he sat beside Riley, wrapping his arm along with the blanket around her.

The two spent the next while sipping away at their hot beverages.

By the time the clock hit 1am, there were two empty mugs, Riley sat cuddled into Liam's chest, drifting in and out of sleep. Whilst Liam sat running his fingers through Riley's hair, their legs entangled under the blanket that had made its way round to lay over their legs, Liam could barely keep his eyes open.

“we can’t fall asleep” he whispered as he held her that little bit tighter.

“I know…we’re just resting our eyes for a little bit” Riley smiled tiredly “I should head back to my room soon”  

“I wish you didn’t have to; I could lay here with you all night”

“me too, but sadly it’s the way it has to be”

Liam nearly caved that night; it took everything he had in him to stop himself from just climbing into bed and falling asleep beside the woman he was falling deeply in love with. With a grin on his face just thinking about the night, he closed the diary over, then he got up and headed out of his office and down to the royal quarters. He always had this diary with him, every chance he got, he would read a page or two. He wanted to really understand how Riley felt through the whole social season and engagement to madeleine.

Liam had made plans to have dinner with Riley, well made plans as in, on the plane after they got engaged Liam told Riley, they would never have to eat dinner alone again, so every night since and every night going forwards the two had dinner together. Once Liam got to the apartment, he showered then changed into some more comfortable clothes before heading down to Riley's room where one of the staff would be bringing the two take out. Liam and Riley sat on the sofa, with the tv on in the background whilst they ate.

“so, I was thinking about wedding cake earlier” Riley stated as she put a shovel of Chinese noodles into her mouth

“really? You have something in mind?”

“Lemon cake…” she grinned

“that’s a great idea, I think it will go down really well with everyone!

“I was also thinking maybe we could go for a walk on the beach after dinner, if you don’t have any engagements that is”

“nope, I cleared the night, I would love to go for a walk on the beach with you”

After the two finished their food, they wrapped up and pulled their shoes on then headed down to Liam's car, with Bastian following closely behind in the SUV, they made their way to the beachfront.

“it’s so cold…but it’s so peaceful” Riley whispered, she squeezed Liam's hand as she cuddled into his side.

“so, I’ve been reading your diary” Liam whispered

“you have?” Riley grinned with a soft blush hitting her cheeks.

“I have, I wasn’t going to, I wanted to respect your privacy, but then…I wanted to fully understand what you went through, how you felt.”

“so how far have you got?”

“just earlier today I was reading about the night we spent in the hot tub in lythikos”

Riley smirked when he mentioned it. “one of the best nights I had, that was one of the first nights I felt truly connected to you, we had no interruptions, no engagements, he really talked and got to know each other a little better… just us”

“me too” he smiled as he squeezed her hand.  

The two sat down on the sand, Riley sat between Liam's legs leaning back into his chest.

“do you have it with you?”

“your diary?”

“yeah” she smirked

“yes, I have it”

“we should read some”

“right now?”

“yeah right here, whilst we have peace and quiet”

Liam pulled the small book from the inside pocket of his jacket. He flipped the book open and began to read.

 June 29th

Dear Diary

I had the best day at the beach, there was a sailing competition, then we spent the day on the sand, I got burnt to a crisp and I don’t even mind! Liam hates sailing, when he told me he only really takes part because his father’s love for boats is most important than his dislike for them! He is so selfless and kind…ive never met anyone that would put as many people before themselves as he does. He’s a really good man! What I did learn though, is my hopefully soon to be husband doesn’t like the taste of salt water, I’m not surprised!

Liam chuckled as he remembered his awful boat ride with Drake.

Today was the day Liam found out his father would be stepping down as king at the end of the social season, meaning, he would be choosing a wife and becoming king all at the one time. I really felt for him, his profession can’t be easy, being rushed into finding a wife, then being told he only had a few weeks before he would have the weight of the kingdom on his shoulders, it’s an extremely stressful situation and I hope I have shown him, that if he ever needs someone to just sit and listen or just distract him for a little bit, I will be there, no matter what.

Liam took me to the forgotten falls, my god it was absolutely stunning there, and the story behind it was just…wow! Two people forbidden from falling in love with each other…sounds all too familiar…though I’m sure Liam and I won’t let anyone get in our way. When Liam said he wanted us to take the leap of faith off the edge of the waterfall, I couldn’t say no!

When he kissed me in the water…my god, it was like no other kiss ive had before! Then he nearly said he loved me…god I wish he had…because I love him too.

Love you muchly…Riley x

[ithisatanytime]

Vegetables are fucking bullshit. im not gonna proofread this, but if you want to lose weight this is literally the only thing besides surgery that will work and its not even hard at all i promise, this was not inspired by me being disgusted with fat women, as everybody knows im down with the thickness. not fat though, there is a wider range for men then women believe, but i guess they are mostly just trying to compete with each other (i dont actually believe this for a second, it is for men its just a subconscious instinct, manifesting consciously as a desire to compete or look good) i added this long as disclaimer because this is a lifelong interest of mine, i always talk about it, but i dont want some poor girl to read it and think i want her to go on a diet you are beautiful just as you are, but at the same time i didnt want past relationship girls to see me saying i was down with the thickness and think they were heavy, only one was heavy

  Dont get me wrong, i like vegetables, but they are honest to god a fucking scam. vegetables are CHEAP, especially grains and cerials, to be honest grains are less bullshit than leafy greens, but they are still kind of bullshit. you are made of fucking meat, thats what you are, all the stuff you need or pretty damn close, is found in meat, vegetables are mostly insoluble fiber, very low in calories, which despite what you have been led to believe is not a good thing. its nice to have a little roughage in your diet, but the idea that we should be eating primarily plant based food is fucking insane, and i suspect is a result of the sugar companies years long propaganda campaign against fat. for years they funded studies claming dietary fat or cholesterol caused fat to accumulate on the body, and cholesterol in the arteries, we have known since the seventies that these claims were false, but the propaganda campaign was so extensive, even doctors commonly fuck this up. you cant digest plants on your own, you need to recruit gut bacteria to ferment it in your bowels, in other words it rots in your guts making you bloated and gassy, all for just a tiny bit of calories, its ASS, because no one can live that way, your diet is failing because you arent eating enough meat. meat is food, its real food. no fucking animal would go through the trouble of evolving the necessary intelligence and hardware needed to have to KILL every single meal, if it wasnt so much better than the fucking grass and leaves that are everywhere, and grass is much easier to catch and kill than a gazelle,so why bother? because the gazelle is food, its made of the same building blocks you are, you are made of meat.

   Meat is much more readily digested in your body than plant matter, people think that meat constipates you and ive seen people say it sits in your gut for years, the opposite is true, meat is digested quickly and efficiently leaving behind almost no waste material whatsoever, meaning you arent pooping because you arent making poop, meat is digested almost completely where as plant matter is filled with fiber which passes through either completely unchanged or only mildly changed into a gel like substance in the case of soluble fiber.  but heres the real MEAT of this post (heh) fats and proteins from animal sources (meat) are far more satiating than carbs from plants, meaning a hundred calories of animal fats and’/proteins will keep you full for longer, than a hundred calories of carbs, and i can prove it, a boneless skinless chicken breast has 284 calories (very little fat but high in protein) thats less total calories than two cans of mountain dew, how long do you think you could last after eating a chicken breast vs drinking two mountain dews? there are 250 calories in a new york strip steak, thats less than two potatoes, i bet you could last all day if you ate a new york strip steak for breakfast, a potato and a half without butter or anything? you would crash by noon.

 Vitamins are fucking bullshit. as long as you get micronutrients into your body at some point, meaning you arent a third worlder who eats nothing but one kind of cheap food, you are getting vitamins, all of them, most of them and guess what, meat has literally all of the required vitamins your body needs in abundance, so long as you occasionally eat liver. but it hardly fucking matters, almost no one in the first world is seriously deficient in micronutrients (the vitamin d thing is bullshit, they miscalculated the requirements or there is some racial factor they refuse to aknowlege, because if fucking everyone is d3 deficient and doing just fine, then no one is. also d3 is found ONLY in animals, not in plants) its all about macro-nutrients FAT PROTEIN carbs, you are eating too much carbs, if you try to stop eating so much carbs you are going to fuck it up, i promise you, your body keeps track EVERY DAY, trying to maintain homeostasis, you will take one extra bite, you will measure your portions wrong, you will eat a whole goddamn cake because you are starving, your body is better at counting calories than you will ever be. so heres what you do, DONT TRY, if you have to try you will fail, you are working too goddamn hard, be realistic with yourself, a temporary diet is actually fucking meaningless, diets are for life. you cant sustain that horrible dumb ass bulshit girl magazines are trying to make you live on, NO ONE CAN, less than 6 percent of people who have lost significant amounts of weight will keep the weight off after a year. who the fuck knows after that as well, other than its certainly less than six percent. i am giving you the cheat code right now, all you have to do is take my word for it, do i seem like i spent years obsessing over this shit? because i have, heres the secret. all you have to do, nothing more, if you try to do more you are fucking up! all you have to do, is take your body weight, divide it by two, and try to get that many grams of protein per day, like your life depended on it, preferably from MEAT. preferably with fat! but honestly i dont fucking care. tbh if you are a girl, id shoot four 40-50 grams everyday, and heres the thing, please! do not go for lowfat, lean meats. you want meat with fat on it, preferably unprocessed, you can still eat hamburgers and sausages but dont make them the center piece of your diet, because they actually add fats in as part of the processing, you can stil leat it though, if you try to get your 40 grams of protein from lean meat like chicken breast alone, you will go crazy and quit, or you will just eat a bunch of carbs to make up for it. again, you want fat and protein. if for the next two months, you made it your goal to eat whatever the fuck you wanted (this is important) so long as you got 40 grams of protein a day, preferably from animal sources, preferably with fat, i promise you, not only will you lose weight like fucking crazy, but it wont even be hard at all, you will feel like you are fucking gorging yourself while slowly getting hotter. that being said, to us men, being hyper thin is not really all its cracked up to be, thats gay fashion designer shit, we like women to be soft, to contrast are hard muscular bodies.

[lizzienaut]

All 31 tword questions! 😊

ALRIGHTY THEN BUCKLE UP GAMERS LETS DO THIS

this is gonna be super duper frickin long so im gonna put it under a read more as per usual i hope it works ahhh-

thank you for the ask anon!! <33

1. do you personally identify as a lee, ler or switch? what about tickling makes you feel one or the other?

switch all the way baybeyyyyy!!! not even leaning one way or another, just straight-up pure switch energy exudes from my pores something about the power exchange really gets me giddy man having a lee all helpless beneath you and all adorably giggly and blushy and whiny makes me just 💕💖❤💗💘💝💓💞 and in return being the one who gets teased and chased and pinned down and absolutely wrecked is just!! ahhhHHHhhh

2. have you ever been tickled irl? was it by accident or on purpose?

oh dude bro i used to be tickled all the time by people specifically one of my irl friends who i told about this thing last year this mans straight up pinned me down and tickled me for six hours straight while we watched youtube when i spent the night at his place it wasn't like!! super rough or anything- very light and playful most of the time, but occasionally it got intense and i  fucking died dude i was so happy now i don't really wanna be tickled by anyone other than iven though ahaaaaa- i mean i've been like that for a while but pshHhHh

3. would you prefer punishment or reward tickles?

yes

4. what kind of teasing gets to you most/what kind of teasing is your favorite to dish out?

i LOVE verbal teases so much sosososo much omg “tickle tickle tickle” or “kitchy kitchy coo” or “im gonna tickle you!” all of it makes me melt and die literally just saying tickle repeatedly makes me all squeaky and squirmy and lee in an instant frickin i cant take what i dish out bro ;v;

5. what does it take to make you flustered about tickling?

everything how helpless being tickled makes me feel and how EMBARRASSING it is that i like it so much more than any other people normally do dkfjgnkdfj

6. are you easily able to admit you like it?

when im ler?? absolutely i fuckin love tickling when im lee is a different story

7. have you ever told someone outside of this community about tickling?

yes!! quite a few people actually- most of them arent even my friends anymore BUT one of my current friends knows about it and yeah!

8. what’s your favorite thing about being tickled/tickling someone?

power exchange the cute giggles the blushy face the feeling of helplessness  etc

9. what’s your laugh like?

ive been told that its very childish and bubbly and loud, but it can rlly easily become cackly and witchy sounding and embarrassing dfkjgkdfj i SNORT A LOT MUCH TO MY DISMAY

10. favorite spot to be tickled/to tickle?

all of them

11. lees, would you prefer to be tied up or free in a session? lers, would you prefer a lee tied up or free in a session?

in a session? tied up!! but just for fun id say free <33

12. if you could be tickled by/tickle anyone (real or a fictional character!) who would you chose?

iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iven iv

13. wake up or before bed tickles?

yes

14. do you like being teased? do you like dishing out teasing?

YES

15. who’s someone in this community that you would love to meet or get to know better?

id love to get to know so many people better!! literally all of my mutuals omfg @ all my mutuals pls message me id love to be friends w yall <33

16. do you have any uncommon spots/have you ever discovered any on someone else? where was it?

my palms are SO ticklish its not even funny wtf ive never been full on tickled there but every time someone tries to write things on my palms or run their nails down them i just. squeak as loud as humanly possible jkdfgkdf

17. do you remember how old you were when you first realized you liked tickling?

i think!! i was 8 or so- lil liz discovered tickle videos back then and didn't know what incognito was either

18. how comfortable are you with talking about tickling? why do you feel that way?

irl? no too embarrassing fjdgnfk online? yes please lets talk abt tickles its so FUN

19. what’s your personal worst spot? what’s your favorite “death spot” you’d wreck someone with?

mine are my feet, underarms and neck!! fav to wreck are probably feet dkjfgkdjf

20. are there any spots you personally find underrated? where are they?

NECK for personal reasons >w>

21. what’s one of your personal favorite tickle scenarios?

scary movies and a visit from the tickle monster

22. soft cuddly tickles or rough more intense tickles?

yes

23. are there any tickle scenes you’ve seen that have stuck with you? what were they from?

THE MIRACULOUS LADYBUG ONES CAUSE ALL OF THEM WERE SUPER CUTE AHHH

24. upper or lower body tickles?

yes

25. is there’s a specific position you’d like to be tickled in/tickle someone in? why that position in particular?

tied in an x position on the bed 👀👀👀 because EASY ACCESS TO ALL SPOTS YO

26. do you have any “unpopular opinions” about tickling that you’d like to share?

tickling isn't inherently a kink or sexual :)

27. lees, do you enjoy being tickled on your worst spot(s)? lers, how do you go about tickling a lees worst spot(s)?

YES tease them with gentle touches, then dive in when they least expect it B)

28. is it difficult for you to be put in a lee/ler/switch mood? what can make you feel that way?

absolutely not iven can easily put me in either moods just by being cute or even slightly teasy ;w;

29. do you ever have tickle dreams? do you remember any that you’ve had if so?

yes i have tickle dreams quite often actually!! he last one that ive had kinda really stuck with me-- iven and i were on separate islands and id often sneak onto his to steal his supplies and one day he set up a trap and tied me up with vines n shit and just. absolutely wrecked me maN i snuck onto it quite a few more times after that pff

30. are you a fan of the idea of tools? which ones would you be up to trying if you are?

YES YES YES ALL OF THEM ALL ALL ALL good SHIT DUDE

31. AND FINALLY. do you believe in the tickle monster? what do you think they look like/appear as?

me.

i am the tickle monster

[grav3yardbb92]

The Mark

Micheal X reader. Also on my wattpad account. BVB-rebel25.

********

It was never a secret, what I am. More like a bedtime story told by my mother every night since I was born. But unlike most bedtime stories, it was true, proven by the mark on my wrist.

Now that, as I was told, needed to be kept secret. If people saw a burn mark in the shape of a pentagram, who knows what could happen. Not that I would get hurt or anything, Satan had a purpose for me. A true, dark destiny, one I am honored to accept.

The ultimate proof of my purpose were the dreams. They started when I turned 16. The night of my birthday, I had the dream. I saw a boy. Maybe six or seven. He pins a dead rat to a wall, watching it's blood drip stains of red. He giggles cutely before running away, into a bedroom, painted blue. I see him lay in his bed, a slowly drift to sleep. In only seconds. The dark night, becomes bright as the sun shines through the window, illuminating his face. The gorgeous, carefully sculpted features of not a six year old, but a teen, about sixteen. He is still sound asleep, but turns to his left side and his soft golden curls are stretched away from his ear. That is when I see it. The burn, similar to mine, but he's no demon. He's the Antichrist.

Night after night, year after year the dreams occur. But they aren't dreams. They are visions, his life. As his chosen guardian, soul mate and future Queen of hell, I get to watch from afar as he goes on his course. I have to be sure he finds his purpose and follows the plan.

According to the plan, I finally met the 'man' of my dreams through my next door neighbor and my mother's best friend and fellow believer in Satan. Mrs, Mead was the only  person, beside my parents and I who had seen the mark, she knew who I was and she addored me. When she was on her way home with him, she called my mother, who had me clean up and doll up, wanting to look the part. I've seen him, watched him, I know all there is to know about him, both sides, human and supernatural being. I know what he wants. I know what he needs. Me.

He simply smiled and waved. When we were introduced. But his expression changed to a smirk, when my mark was brought to his attention. He then took my hand, kissing my mark gently, before pulling me roughly, toward him. In his tight embrace, I could feel it, the tug at my heart, at my soul, and in his deep, blue eyes, I could tell he felt it too. We are one.

******

It's been weeks since Michael and I joined the survivors in outpost 3. The familiar building where he lived for a short time, studying under the warlocks, where he used to sneak me in after dark, just so I can sneak back out into the woods, before he was called to begin his studies. The very same school building, where I joined him in slautering the warlocks.  Every. Last. One.

I am currently pacing the floor and rubbing my swollen, pregnant belly in his old room.the very same room where we spent many nights together. Where we made love, usually covered in our own blood,  after summoning his Father for advice and reassurance.  The same room where we chanted the satanic vows, bonding us in marriage under satan.

There is a party going on just downstairs. A party that I helped plan. The party that I so desperately wanted to observe. The party that is bringing the end of the few final lives here on earth.

I hear the familiar clank of a cane, signaling miss. Veneble and our robotic Mrs Meade approaching our room. They enter and miss. Veneble threatens mine and Michaels lives. I smirk and giggle lightly as Micheal's deep laugh thunders through the room. Moments later, veneble's body is laying in a puddle of blood on the floor. And Micheal takes a moment to clear the intentional fog that blocks Mrs. Meade's programing.

he finishes his explanation and Meade, pulls us both into a warm, familiar hug. The moment is suddenly disturbed by a feeling that I hoped to never have again. I steal a glance toward my husband, who doesn't have to read my mind, to know what's happening. " those damn witches!" +

********time skip*******

An evil laugh escapes my lips as I watch Micheal snaps the neck of that mouthy witch.  We haven't had this much fun since we slaughtered the survivors in the other outpost. He smiles at me, knowing what must occur next. I blow him a quick kiss, before following the other witches toward the bathroom. They think their plan is fool proof. But my Master has a backup plan. ME!

********************

I find a spot in the hallway, just outside the bathroom, where Mallory soaks in the tub, awaiting her full power to appear. I hear Cordelia talking to Micheal from below me, I chuckle at our hidden joke. God isn't the only one who knows what's in the future. I close my eyes, sending a final ' I love you' through my mind. I know he got the message, and I begin my ritual.

I pull my dagger from my leather boot and slice my arm, just as I hear Cordelia curse at Michael before I hear her body thump to the ground. I paint our symbol with my blood as I chant the sacred mantra that I memorized as a child. Within seconds my eyes flutter shut and darkness consumes me.

I come to my senses and sit up, leaning against a tree, for support. I am feeling dizxy and weak, time travel and blood loss does that. And I know that I need to gather my strength for the next step. I rub my belly again, soothing my Antichrist offspring, and I take notice of my surroundings. Just to my left is the infamous murder house, which means Michael is just across the street. My attention turns toward the sound of a door slamming shut, revealing my Michael, well not mine, this one is a few years younger, much younger than I am now, but my spell will take care of that.

I stand up, but stay by the tree to brace myself for the inevitable events. I know what's coming and I also know that I can't stop it, they have to think they've won. I hear the loud roar of a car engine and fight back the urge to push my love out of the way. I know the plan. ' stay calm, it will work' I whisper to myself, my child kicks at the sound of my voice, reminding me I'm not alone as I watch in horror. Mallory slams on her breaks before backing up, crushing Michael not once but three fucking times. Constance notices, but remains still until the car is long gone. I remain in my place as she moves to attend to Micheal's mangled body. " go to hell" she seethes out, dropping him back in the road.

" you first bitch!" I shout as I make my way to him, dragging from the road. I then mumble a curse of sickness and painful death, before I turn my attention to the dying boy before me. I perch on the sidewalk, pulling his head into my lap." Time for rebirth, my love" I whisper, before I recite another incantation while I slowly move my hands across his body. I hear his bones snap back into place, and watch as bloody cuts and even small scrapes vanish.

He takes in a deep gasp for air, shifting slightly, before sitting up completely. He takes a short look at me, before hugging !me tightly. Oh how I missed this, it's only been a few hours since we last embraced each other, but it felt like decades. He pulls away, only now realizing he's hugging a complete stranger.

" who are you? What happened?" He rapidly fires questions at me. My name is Y/N. I saw what happened and needed to help." I respond, waiting for him to ask me how I healed him. " but, how did you? " there it is. " I promise. Everything will make since soon, just trust me, Michael " at the mention of his name, which I shouldn't know, his brows crinkle in confusion, but he doesn't question it " well, Y/N, you did just save me, so of course I trust you." " good" I say, pulling him to his feet. " one more thing" he only looks at me, waiting for me to continue. " you need to kiss me"

He is hesitant at first, but our lips soon connect. After that I feel the same electric pull of our souls that I felt, so long ago, in another life. The kiss ends, but continue to hold him close as the memories of our past life, floods through his head. His eyes widen and I close mine to summon all my strength for last part. Whispering some words, a poem of lost love, before opening them again. Instead of a young teenage boy, I see my husband before me, his long golden hair falling past his shoulders.

He looks down at my belly, and he lightly mesages it. Smiling widely at me, before pulling me into a tight hug. " oh. My demon girl, how ive missed you" he whispers as he ushers me down the sidewalk. I cant help steal glances at him, in all his glory.Now looking the proper age, to father the new Antichrist. I told you our MASTER had a plan.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[neokollection]

Kissing Out of Jealousy

NCT U + Yuta

‘Can I request a NCT U kissing you out of jealousy?’

A/N: I’m sure there’s already a reaction of this, but I’m here to add another :^) This is assuming you’re dating for some members, but for some you’re not dating, they like you- THIS IS LONG BTW!! [Kinda more like a mini drabble per each member]

** Language, some suggestive themes, but nothing explicit ** ik some ppl don't find jealousy cute so don't read if you not into that..

Taeil:

Taeil wasn’t the type to get jealous easily or behave pettily- Rather, he was just protective at times and would feel he’d have to interject to save you from situations... Whether you were feeling uncomfortable or not- Yet a part of your boyfriend also felt slightly neglected, a faithful dog waiting on the other side of the fence with it’s tail wagging at the sight of it’s owner, even though it’s owner was petting the neighbor’s cat.

He called out your name in the hopes of getting your attention as he watched you and Ten staring at your screens before nudging each other continuously with a laugh to show the other a recent entertaining Tweet. He was all for you bonding with the other boys, but he’d missed you this week and throughout the day constantly stuck by your side. Placing the bowl of steaming popcorn upon the coffee table, he took his seat beside you on the couch, hand patting around for the remote he’d dropped there moments before.

“OMG- You have to show that to Mark,” Ten gasped, covering his mouth to conceal his wicked grin as he looked at the meme you’d stumbled upon of Mark’s shorts.

“Let me see,” Taeil added, not wanting to miss out and curious as to what was so funny.

He leant in, eyes flickering to Ten as he watched the younger lean back into the couch, thumbs moving rapidly upon his screen. Taeil listened amusedly as he heard your small chuckle in his ear, a smile gracing his lips as he saw your screen before drawing back partially.

“You’re amused so easily,” he chuckled, nose nearly brushing your own as he leant nearer, a hand shooting to your waist to tickle you gently.

“Says you,” you squirmed with a bright smile.

Finally, his forehead rest upon your own, his antics stilling as he closed the gap between the two of you for a quick kiss. Embarrassed about kissing so openly with Ten by your side, you felt a blush creep upon your cheeks as you pulled away shyly. You could have sworn Taeil’s gaze jumped from your lips to your eyes to Ten before he closed the gap once more- You let out a muffled chuckle against his lips as your hands went to the front of his shirt to slow him down and steady yourself.

“Ew- God- Could you not?” Ten whined in disapproval, scooting away.

You could feel Taeil’s smile against your lips before he drew back, eyes as lively as ever.

Smothering you and being that cute couple to show off and make others wanna gag, but not let you think it’s a jealousy thing-

Taeyong:

Easily, one of the most jealous man you’d ever dated. He had his share of insecurities that make him question whether he’s worthy of love and attention, and an anxiety about losing the person he cherishes the most... So, seeing your interactions with your old classmates made him feel even more insecure in the moment. He’d had a stressful and busy week and hadn’t gotten to see you much, merely late calls that usually didn’t last long because he’d coax you to go to sleep early since you’re busy as well. Meeting a few of your old high school classmates, totally coincidentally at Gong Cha was all it took for him to have a small internal freak out. He already didn’t like that they were guys, even more so that they’d known you longer than he had technically... He felt excluded- He always wanted to be a part of every part of your life and have you in every part of his- To him your soulmates and he didn’t like feeling as though someone had a leg up on him in regards to you.

“You look great! Wow- It’s been a minute, but wow-” one of your old classmates gushed, stunned by how you’d matured and glowed up through the years spent apart.

You gave a small chuckle in return, “I’m surprised you recognized me-”

“I mean how could I forget (Y/n)?” he joked, gesturing towards you, followed by a few hums of the other classmates beside him.

You weren’t exactly sure what he meant by that- You didn’t think of yourself as too memorable of a person during high school. You’re boyfriend disliked it even more, a scowl etched into his features- He didn’t like not being in the know or what exactly the man meant.

“Well, it’s a small world I guess,” you wrapped up awkwardly, “It was nice to see you,” you added, able to feel Taeyong’s calculating gaze.

Sighing to yourself, you took a sip of your tea, inviting Taeyong to ask whatever he was going to ask.

“Were you popular in high school?”

“No,” you huffed, “Not really anyway- I’ve already told you about my high school- I wasn’t even friends with those guys... I can’t believe he recognized me.”

‘You’re just too pretty to be forgettable’ was what Taeyong had been thinking, but decided to keep it in. He could still feel their fleeting gazes glancing towards you as they sat down in laughter- He didn’t like that... What were they talking about? You? Were they laughing about you? Who knew what prude remarks they were making.

“I’d have dated her back in junior year if I knew she was gonna turn out like this-”

Feeling jealous, protective, and anxious he stood, causing you to look up at him, “Where are you going..?”

“Bathroom,” he informed before bending down, his hand coming to cradle your jaw as he sealed your lips together in a sweet kiss- Lips tasting of caramel.

Your lips followed his own as he drew back, swiping his thumb endearingly across your cheek before giving it a gentle pinch. You pulled your face from his grasp at the action, playfully pouting at your cup of tea as he left the table.

“I know right-”

The voices got louder as he approached.

“Could you keep your voices down?” he asked, yet it wasn’t really a question- His tone and gaze icy and curt before he brushed past their table to the restroom.

Yuta:

Tossing in jealous Yuta because that’s hot-

You didn’t have to be dating Nakamoto Yuta for him to feel as strongly as he did. He felt like you were already his, his sweet, his dear, his precious- And he wasn’t going to let the world or anyone else take that away from him. You loved him as a friend- The two of you had crossed the boundary of friendship a few times with late night kisses and drunken texts- But there was something about his possessive nature that made you hesitant to progress any further with him. Just being his friend you felt like a prisoner-

“I have to drop by my brothers’ dorm to give him back his battery pack-” you began, halting as you remembered.

“I’ll go with you,” Yuta chimed, slinging an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into him as his other hand pulled the drawstrings of the hoodie harshly, causing it to close around your face.

You stumbled into him mid-step as he did so, whining dramatically as your hands attempted to shove him aside.

“My brother doesn’t like you,” you interjected, pulling the hood free from your mess of hair as Yuta released you.

With a shrug he focused his attention on taming your hair, the action causing your face to heat.

“You shouldn’t go into the boys dorm alone,” he reprimanded, motherly as ever.

Jaehyun. Your brother’s roommate and soccer teammate of Yuta- was coming down the very path you were on the quad.

“Jaehyun!” you called out suddenly, happy to find a delivery man.

His eyes darted from his phone to you, his brows knitting together seconds later-

“Hey,” he began, slowly letting his gaze drift between the two of you before to your hoodie.

“Uh... Is that your hoodie?”

“I stole it from my brother- Don’t tell,” you chuckled.

Letting out a soft chuckle of amusement, Jaehyun shook his head, “That’s not your brother’s- That’s mine. I’d been looking for it all week-”

“Oh my God!” you gasped, dropping the tote bag from your shoulder, “I’m so sorry! I- It was on his side of the room... So I thought-”

“It’s fine,” he interjected, “It looks good on you-”

Yuta’s gaze narrowed at that remark and before he even had a moment to stop you, you were peeling off the hoodie and offering it to an astonished Jaehyun. You saw no issue with it, you were wearing a t-shirt underneath.

“I’m so so sorry! Also...” you began, picking up your bag, “Could you give this to my brother?”

“Sure-” Jaehyun nodded, scratching the nape of his neck as you pushed the goods into his hands before whipping around and grabbing the side of Yuta’s plaid jacket to bring him in tow with you-

“O my God... That was so embarrassing-” you rambled, feeling your face hot in embarrassment.

Suddenly, Yuta’s feet stopped moving, causing you to stop. He removed his phone from the pocket of his jacket before slipping it into his jeans, removing his coat.

“What are you doing?” you asked dumbly before catching on, “N-No, I’m not cold or anything-”

Silently, he draped it over your shoulders before his hands slid to the open front of it, grasping it before pulling you closer by the collar. His lips melded with your own, needy and passionate, jealousy brewing in his heart at even a simple encounter. His hands slid down to the zipper, zipping it quickly as he pulled away, your arms constricted, a smug expression on his face before he began walking again.

“H-Hey! GET THIS off me!” empty sleeves flopping by your sides as you hobbled after him.

The type to give you a little taste of his cold shoulder and reprimanding you for being careless [about making him jealous basically].

Kun:

Respectful and mature bub who wouldn’t do anything unless the two of you were dating, and for a while.

He couldn’t understand why Xioajun was so clingy towards you- I mean... He understood it in a sense since he was also in a way- But it was different. You were taken- Xiaojun should have taken a hint from him by now. Kun was constantly swooping in to interrupt the too of you, the hint of a small grin gracing his features each time to hide his unkindly thoughts towards the younger.

“Does Xiaojun bother you?” he questioned, watching as you pulled on your socks from the doorway of your bedroom, his shoulder resting against the frame.

“No?”

Cocking your head to the side, you couldn’t understand what Kun was hinting at or why he was asking.

“He’s always around you...”

“Yeah,” you chuckled, “We’re friends.”

You stood, ready to pass by your boyfriend and slip on your shoes by the doorway, yet he didn’t budge.

“Well...” he began, “I don’t want to sound ...clingy, but I don’t like it-”

“There’s nothing to worr-”

You were mid-roll of your eyes, when he cut you off, his warm hand enveloping around your own, “You’re mine, right?”

There was a hint of something swimming in his chocolate gaze, as if a saddened part of him needed reassurance.

“O-Of course,” you admitted, blushing to yourself from feeling caught off guard.

“Then I have a right to be like this,” he added, voice softer.

You open and shut your mouth dumbly, not sure what to say in response. Yes? He to a degree had a right to feel jealous- But... There was really no reason to be jealous over Xiaojun- Tugging your hand forward gently, he drew you to meet his lips, lilting his neck down. His kiss was delicate, lips plush and substantial, but movements gentle and loving. Your knees felt weak, as if it was your first kiss again.

“Don’t worry about it,” you nearly whispered as he drew back, “I’ll try to be mindful,” you added, referring to distancing yourself a bit so Kun wouldn’t get the wrong impression again.

“We’re going to be late...”

Doyoung:

You drew back to take a breath before your lips were smothered again, his nostrils flaring in anger and also the need for oxygen. You whined gently against his lips, attempting to pull back once more. You panted, out of breath before placing a hand on Doyoung’s chest to keep him at bay.

He leant back over the center console, resting his head back against the padded seat. Finished clicking in your seat belt you looked at him.

“When you dress like that,” he began, nodding forward, “guys get the wrong idea.”

“N-”

“Like thinking you’re single and something for them to ogle at,” he added, cutting you off, “You have no idea what kind of sleaze bags were looking at you and what they were thinking-”

His fox-like eyes flickered back to you, taking a moment to glance at the obvious cleavage you’d put on display.

“I dressed up for you- I just… I wanted to feel sexy and make you-”

“Make me what? Upset?”

“No! Proud to be with me- To be attractive to you…”

Raking a hand through his hair he let his gaze fall upon your own.

“Don’t you get it?” he began, jabbing the keys into the ignition, “You’re always attractive to me- I always want you- I’m always proud of you- But I want to be the only one to see.. You don’t deserve them looking at you like that and it makes me sick,” he trailed off, quickly casting his gaze forward as he pulled away from the curb.

You felt a tingle jolt along your spine at his words.

Ten:

He’d been giving you a snarky attitude all day; curt remarks and dismissive glances. Sighing for the final time as he pretended to ignore you, you let your tongue poke at your cheek in annoyance.

“Look at me,” you probed.

His fingers halted before smashing the pause button on his game, tossing the controller aside him on the sofa as he let out his own sigh, his gaze continuing to be fixed upon the TV screen.

“Why are you being like this?”

You hated how beautiful his profile was, the slope of his sharp nose and outline of his soft lips.

“Why won’t you even talk to me?” you added, raising your tone.

“If you want someone to talk to why don’t you ask Taeyong?” he quipped, voice laced with venom.

Huffing in exasperation, you let your hands fall to your hips.

“Are you serious?”

Finally… he turned his dark gaze towards you.

“Yeah,” he nearly shrugged, attitude as petty as ever.

“You’re such a child!” you shouted, unable to control your emotions as you stormed away, frustrated and wanting to cry.

He paused for a moment before standing.

“I’m childish?” he asked, tone brazen and perplexed.

You stopped, turning on your heel-

“Then what?” he questioned, “Is Taeyong the man?”

Before you could spit out a reply he grabbed onto your elbow.

“I’m the only man you should see,” he barked.

“You are my only man…” you murmured, hurt he thought otherwise.

Cupping your face, he pulled you into him, lips messily finding one other before passionately embracing.

Omg I hate this one…

Jaehyun:

Far enough. Was what Jaehyun had been thinking.

His jaw was set, his lips pursing each time his eyes narrowed slightly, causing one of his dimples to gently show.

Sure, it was Taeyong’s birthday, but that didn’t mean he had the right to flirt with you-

“Is that right?” you giggled, after listening to one of Taeyong’s stories.

Your fork idly toyed with the pasta in your dish as you gave Taeyong your attention. The rest of the lunch table seemed chatty, side for Jaehyun whom pouted by your side. His silence was slowly steeling your attention away from Taeyong as you began to worry.

“You’ll have to excuse me for a moment,” you interjected, glancing towards the bathroom.

Your plan was simple, take a break from Taeyong by using the restroom before retuning and turning to Jae to give your attention and ask what was up. As you stood Johnny began speaking to Taeyong, allowing you the perfect cover to escape. As you did, someone snagged you by your belt loop. Your forlorn boyfriend looking up at you with eyes you couldn’t place.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” you whispered, your brows furrowing in concern at his oddness.

He released you, standing himself to follow you.

“Why are you being so weird?” you inquired, rounding a corner with him.

“I’m jealous,” he admitted.

“Wh- How? What’s there to be jealous about?” you stumbled.

Instead of answering or explaining, he cornered you against the wall once the two of you were hidden from sight in the hall of the bathroom.

“Babe,” you began, your voice lowering.

Being under his gaze in such close quarters you felt trapped, trying to think of what he’d want to hear to be reassured. You bit your lip in thought. Warm lips clashed with your own, not too aggressive, nor gently. The breath that had gotten caught in your throat came out as a sigh against his lips as his hands slid from the wall on either side of your shoulders to your hips.

“We can’t do this here,” you nearly whispered, your lips brushing his own in temptation.

Ignoring you, his hasty lips met yours again, causing you to let out a small moan of protest.

“Oh- God-” Ten sputtered, shielding his eyes from the entrance of the hallway as he saw the two of you.

Your fist came in contact with Jae’s pec as he broke away from you.

...When you came back to the table you could feel everyone’s gaze upon the two of you, lowering your gaze in embarrassment as Jaehyun wore a smug grin.

Win:

Cold shoulders were never fun, especially when dealing with your best friend Sicheng. He sat several rows in front of you in the lecture hall instead of beside you, scrolling through his phone and clearly avoiding your texts. You bit your pen cap in annoyance as you stared at the back of his head.

“Maybe they broke up-”

It was a hushed whisper, but you were able to here it.

“Just go talk to her-”

Evidently Sicheng heard it too, his thumb having stopped scrolling and his ears perked.

“Hey,” a gentle voice said, taking the seat beside you.

“H-Hi,” you fumbled, baffled as to why Mark Lee was sitting next to you.

“This seat’s not taken, is it?”

“No,” you enunciated, making sure it was clearly loud enough for Sicheng to hear in an attempt to be petty.

“Cool- Well, uh, there’s this party at Alpha Delta Si later,” he began, “If you wanted to go, you could be my plus one- Honestly, we’ve had this class together all semester and I thought you were cute-”

You were flattered by his invitation, but frat parties weren’t really your scene.

Glancing over his shoulder at the encounter, Sicheng was caught by your gaze.

“Oh- Uh, I’ll have to think about it, parties like that aren’t really my thing-” you declined politely.

“O-Oh,” Mark nodded, retracting to his seat in thought as the professor entered.

The entire lesson you and Sicheng fumed with thoughts of each other, unable to concentrate. The lesson seemed to end in record time, not that you were paying attention.

“So, um, if parties aren’t your thing we could do something like uh... get ice cream, or-”

Once you’d stood to stuff your belongings in your bag, Mark was back at it again. However, your sleeve was yanked by the ever so thoughtful Sicheng, pulling you from the row and tugging you up the stairs of the lecture hall. You stumbled after him dumbly until he shoved the door open with such force you were scared for a moment.

“Stop-” you shot, pulling from his grip.

“Was I interrupting something?” he asked bitterly.

“What the fuck is your problem? I thought you-”

You could feel the gaze of several classmates in the hallway, feeling embarrassed. Behind you, Sicheng saw the door of the lecture hall swing open with none other than Mark and Jeno, his eyes narrowing as he caught Mark’s gaze. Swooping in, his hand clamped over your forearm to pull you to meet his lips, his blunt nails digging into your sweater. He was overwhelming, figure looming over your own, hasty lips pushing against your own, you felt lost in your shock.

Jungwoo:

“Let me up,” you huffed for what felt like the fifth time.

A hum of disapproval left the boy who’d constricted himself around you.

“Woo- I’ll be late for my shift...” you tried, sighing to yourself.

“Don’t go,” he murmured.

“I have to go- My supervisor will be mad if I’m late again...”

“Your supervisor,” he began, sitting up, his fluff of hair bouncing, unfit of his narrowing eyes, “I don’t like him.”

“It doesn’t matter if you like him or not-”

You struggled in his hold, but he draped a leg over your hips to bar your escape, hugging you closer.

“He’s creepy.”

“Yeah, he is,” you agreed with an airy chuckle, “But that doesn’t matter, I need to keep my wage-”

Rolling on top of you, you let out a whine under his weight. Cutely, he blew the hair out of your face, not daring to remove his hands from wrapped around you for fear of you escaping. You giggled and writhed at his actions, shaking the hair from your face. He plopped a soft kiss upon your lips, smothering your own before drawing back momentarily.

“Don’t go.”

His lips didn’t give yours time to spit out a retort, softly melding with yours with passion. Had it been any other day or any other occasion, you would have skipped whatever event there was to stay with him, but you couldn’t miss today... Shaking your head to shake his lips off your own, he groaned against your lips, unrelenting. You couldn’t help but let out a chuckle of anguish against his lips, following it with a low whine. He bit your lip in retaliation gently, shifting on top of you as you squealed and wiggled beneath him.

“You’re being childish,” you gasped, nostrils flaring with the need for air.

Lucas:

“Baby-”

Yukhei’s deep voice reverberated through your being as his lips brushed your ear.

“Why are you watching that?”

In your defense, you hadn’t searched for it, rather it was in your suggestions and you just so happened to be curious by the amount of views it had. A Doyoung, Boss focus cam- Nor were you expecting your friend-with-benefits to be up so early... He usually slept well past ten.

“I couldn’t sleep,” you partially lied.

“Do you like him?”

“Uh,” you stalled, glancing over your bare shoulder, “It’s not like I know him-”

“I mean,” he corrected, “Do you think he’s sexy?”

Your expression morphed into one of confusion at his most likely horny what-the-fuckery.  If you said yes would he set up a threesome?

“Yeah.”

A warm hand slid over your bare arm, trailing to your shoulder before moving to your throat. He didn’t like that answer- Though the two of you weren’t official, he had real feelings for you- Which is why he called you baby, and told you to stay the night when you’d start searching for your clothes the night before...

“What about me?” he groaned gently.

Dropping your phone aside, you rolled over to your side, your hand going to his wrist to stop the growing pressure he applied.

“Yeah, you’re sexy,” you rolled your eyes, knowing he was immaturely jealous.

“Am I sexier?”

He drew you closer, his nose brushing against your own as he awaited your answer.

“I’m not sure,” you teased, withholding a giggled at how his eyes widened.

He let out a chuckle too, able to catch onto your teasing attitude.

“I must be since I’m the one with you and not him,” he muttered with a smile, rolling over on top.

His lips claimed your own in an arduously slow kiss, his hand fumbling to reach over and turn off your phone.

Mark:

Alone, in bed, on his phone- Mark’s evening was rather bland. He’d been on a call with you while you’d been getting ready to come over, content with just listening to your voice.

“Why do you take so long to get ready?” he questioned with a sigh, “Just come over already.”

“I have to look good,” you countered, “You said Johnny was home...”

And here it was, the recent reason for Mark’s despise of Johnny Suh, one of his closest friends.

“Bro- So what... You’re coming over to see me, not him-”

That was true-

“Yeah, but if I do see him-”

“Whatever, just hurry up,” Mark complained, his tone snappish as he hung up.

It was hard getting friend-zoned, let alone having the girl you like be into your best friend instead.

Fifteen minutes later you were checking your reflection on your phone before the door, collecting yourself before ringing the doorbell.

Answering it, Mark felt his heart clench- You looked ridiculously cute, glossy lips, curled lashes, slight wind-blown hair, and the oversized Puma hoodie you’ d bought last week to match your leggings. He wish you were getting all dolled up for him, causing a pang of jealousy to stab him.

“I’ll pay for delivery since you paid last time,” you remarked, stepping through the doorway to remove your shoes as your eyes searched for the giant of your affection.

Yet he was nowhere in sight... Making your way to Mark’s room with your bag, dropping it to his bed and plugging your phone into his charger. You heard the distinct sound of the refrigerator opening, bottles rattling- Perhaps it was Johnny. Turning on your heel, you planned upon seeing whom it was, but a Mark Lee was blocking your path, having just entered the threshold of his room.

“Lemme see,” you pried, your brows furrowing as he closed the door behind himself.

“It’s Taeil,” he lied, knowing what you were after.

You still wanted to check for yourself, even give the senior a greeting.

“Uh, let me through,” you paused as Mark remained in his spot.

“Why’s it always go to be about him?”

“I- What do you-”

“You know what I mean,” he interjected, raising his voice, “All of a sudden everything’s about him-”

“That’s not true,” you tried, folding your arms defensively.

“Yes it is,” he retorted, taking a step toward you, his bad attitude and mood nearly radiating off his figure, “We can’t even hang out like we used to because you’re always preoccupied with him-”

“I can’t help that I like him!” you shot back.

It took only another step and Mark was in front of you, his hands flying to grip your shoulders as his nose brushed yours for only a millisecond- You couldn’t contemplate what was taking place and before it registered, his lips were on your own, sticky lip gloss transferring.

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry

[alecs-potatofarm]

ive been seeing people sharing their stories about how they got into beetlejuice and all that jazz, so i decided to join in.

i was already acquainted with the movie from before i found out about the musical. i don't exactly remember when i first heard of it but it had been on my watch list for a long time.

the last time i heard about the musical was a couple of days before Halloween when my friend told me that they were going to dress up as Lydia and wear some high-heeled boots so that they could intimate me further (i am incredibly short). they told me that it was now a musical and that i should listen to the cast album. much like i did with the movie, i filed that information in my mind and put it on my listening list. to be honest i sort of forgot about it for a while until the weekend before my term one finals week aka the weekend before Thanksgiving.

that weekend a small con about asian culture was organized within my city right next to the anual book fest. i made the last minute decision to go to it along with my brother a friend of mine and a bunch of people that i didn't know. as soon as we got there i suddenly realized that most of the people attending the con were fellow weebs and naturally where there's weebs there's cosplay. and where there's cosplay, there's a cosplay contest. we of course watched the cosplay contest and while all of the contests were great there was a certain stripped demon there that caught my attention. i remember thinking that their cosplay was amazing and they lip sincked the whole being dead thing on stage a song which immediately peaked my interest. (if you happen to have cosplayed beetlejuice on the sunday of Asiafest Bucharest, please dm me! i wanted to come up and talk to you but i was too awkward to do so).

having had my interest peaked, as soon as i got home i ended up spending my evening listening to the cast album while studying for physics. i immediately loved it but obsession didn't fully start until i found the Broadway.com vlogs a couple of days later. after watching every single one of them, i started following a bunch of the cast members this then lead to my hyperfixation fully starting on Thanksgiving day, which mind you is a holiday that im only aware off because of black Friday, when i spent my afternoon with my eyes glued to my phone hoping from one Instagram and tiktok to another just so i could follow the cast along on their parade experience. that was the most i have ever used instagram in my life.

from then on i started slowly falling deeper and deeper down the beetlejuice rabbit hole and i loved every single second of it. i was heartbroken and mad when it was first announced that beetlejuice would close and i decided i would make the most of the time that was left by supporting them as much as i could from overseas.

i listen to the album on a daily basis (i still do). the amount of lunch breaks and free hours i have spent in my school's bathroom, just vibing with my friends while listening to beetlejuice, should be concerning.

i talked about it with people and i told them to go listen to it, to gove it a chance. this lead to me having the exact argument with an annoying classmate over and over again about beetlejuice, musicals and fandoms in general. but thats another story for another day.

i created art and wrote as much fanfic as possible. i never published any of the headcanons or fanfiction but im planning on starting soon.

most importantly i ended joining the fandom and actually interacting with people and hoping onto different projects. ive met so many wonderful people because of it and ive made some really wonderful friends.

ive been a part of this fandom for nearly four months and over these four months i have grown both as a person and as a artist and its all because of this wonderful show.

i will never forget thanksgiving a day in which i was able to feel as though i was a part of something, or all the quarantine livestreams that ive seen. i will never forget the time that i woke up to a twitter notification saying that alex responded to my pineapple pizza question or the time when Kerry like my instagram post. but most of all i will never forget to people that ive met.

so thank you beetlejuice the musical for everything! thank you to all the cast and crew who worked hard to bring us this amazing experience! thank you to the wonderful people of the fandom! i cant express how much all of these things mean to me.

while things may suck right now, do remember that every success begins with sucks and ends with yes! and i truly believe that this joke does hold some truth! this is just the beginning of something great! i can feel it! so stay optimistic and weird y'all cuz this is not the end of the line!!!

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart - Part 5

When i woke up Bucky was gone, i looked at the clock and saw it was a little after 11am so he was probably down in the gym with Steve. I grabbed his t-shirt from the floor and quickly walked down the hall to my room to take a shower and make myself presentable. After my shower i pulled on some baby pink sweats and a black crop top, braided my hair and headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine.

"Good morning sunshine!" Tony beamed at me over his coffee cup.

"Morning, i cant believe i slept in this late!" I muttered grabbing a pre-prepared fruit bowl from the fridge.

"Well you'll be nice and rested before the gala tonight"

"The what?"

"The charity Gala, we hold it every year"

"Right! Shit i forgot that was tonight"

"Obviously" he rolled his eyes at me "you'll be there though, right?"

"Yeah of course" I nodded "I'm gonna head down to the gym for a bit. I'll see you later".

Walking into the gym most of the team were already there. Bucky looked up when i walked in, gave me a little smile and carried on with his weights.

"Shes alive, no one panic!" Nat said loudly with a huge grin on her face.

"Haha! Your funny Nat!" I walked over to her and started on my stretches "how was the rest of your night with those guys?"

"It was okay, they didn't stick around too long. Guess they realised we weren't gonna put out" she shrugged

"They seemed sleazy, thats why i said we were leaving. But noooo you guys wanted to stay, cant say i didn't try"

"Im sorry, next time i will listen to you" Nat laughed "so you ready for the Gala tonight? Another excuse for us to have a few too many drinks"

"I am now, i forgot all about it.... Tony just kindly reminded me.

"Why don't me and Wanda come to your room to get ready, we can have a couple of pre drinks and help each other get ready"

"Yeah sounds good to me, say 6pm?"

"Perfect! We might even find you a nice man at this thing. Unless you wanna go on your little app and find a date?"

"No not tonight, i just wanna hang out with you guys" i shrugged, casually looking over towards Bucky to see if he was listening or not..... he wasn't. He actually had headphones in and had his back to us. Steve was on the bench next to Bucky doing some weights and he turned and flashed me a smile.

"Right okay..... lets do this" i said to Nat taking up my stance infront of her "try not to bruise me too much, dont want people at this party thinking im being abused"

"I'll go easy on you this time and this time only. After today your mine!" She joked as she lunged towards me. We spent the next 45 minutes exchanging softs blows and various flips and tosses onto the mat.

Bucky still hadn't said a word to me yet, i had caught his eye a few times and waved but he flat out ignored me!! What the hell was going on?? I didn't dream it all i know that, i could still feel the tenderness from the huge cock that ruined me throughout the night.

Bucky was alone suddenly, Steve was no where in sight so i casually walked over to where Bucky was now working his legs.

"Hey Buck" i smiled, he looked up pulling out his headphones.

"What did you say?"

"I just said hey, havent had a chance to talk to you this morning"

"Yeah ive been busy, sorry"

"So last night was fun....." i stared to say, he was acting so weird this morning. His phone went off and he looked down at a message.

"Can we talk about this later, i've gotta go" he said standing up and grabbing his things.

"Sure" i nodded looking anywhere but at him, maybe last night was a huge mistake.

"Hey Nat, im gonna head back up thats it for me today" i called over to her.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you did i?"

"Im fine, just not feeling it".

I went back up to the shared kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, Steve was stood making toast, using a whole loaf of bread by the looks of it.

"You hungry Steve?" I asked laughing a little at the mountain of bread in front him.

"Its not all for me" he laughed "i know as soon as i sit down you lot will be moaning that i never made you any"

"Awww thats so sweet" i teased him as i hugged him, Steve was good at giving hugs. We just stood there in each others arms for a bit while he waited for the next batch of toast to pop up.

"You okay?" Steve suddenly asked making me look up at him in confusion.

"Yeah im good, why?"

"I dont know, you seem a little off today"

"Nope im fine"

"You know ive learnt that when a woman says shes fine shes normally lying" he placed his hand on my cheek and looked at me "you can talk to me about anything, you know that right?"

"Honestly Steve im ok" i smiled, Steve was such a sweetheart "im gonna go sort out a dress for this stupid Gala tonight" i said turning to grab a slice of toast. As i turned to leave i was met by a pissed off looking Bucky standing there staring at me and Steve.

"Oh hey Buck, I've made toast" Steve told his friend happily.

"Sergeant" i said casually as i walked past him, if he wanted to act like nothing happened then so would i.

As i walked into my room i slammed the door closed only to have it hit something hard.... Bucky!

He came in and closed the door staring at me "what the hell was that?" He asked

"What?"

"You and Steve!.... looked pretty cosy"

"Oh for crying out loud Buck, we're always like that! His my friend!"

"I don't like him touching whats mine"

"Oh I'm yours again now? Funny, you didn't even want to talk to me half hour ago. You leave me in your bed to wake up alone and then when i find you, you completely ignore me!! Way to make a girl feel special Buck"

"Its not like that! I left you to sleep because you didn't get much sleep last night"

"What about how you acted in the gym??"

"I didn't know how you wanted to play it in front of the others, we hadn't talked about that"

"So you just thought you'd ignore me altogether??"

"I didn't know if id be able to act like myself if you were that close to me and i couldn't have you.... couldn't touch you.."

"So.... your not regretting what happened...."

"Fuck no! Are you crazy?? Sweetheart last night was amazing! Ive wanted you for so long..... i never thought id be lucky enough to finally have you" he closed the gap between us taking my face in his hands "can you forgive me for being a idiot doll?"

"I suppose so..... just don't ignore me again!"

"Never" he smiled and leaned down to kiss me "and your mine?"

"I don't know about that Buck you might have to remind me...." i was cut off when he lifted me up and threw me onto my bed "i'll remind you don't you worry bout that.... you'll be screaming my name so loud the whole tower will know your mine".

Tagging: @siren-queen03