#cannibal run cake shop

[brittle-doughie]

This Year and You! (Various Fics)

Just a look back at certain stories throughout the months! Can you imagine it’s been another with you and Cookies!

———————————————————————

January - Final Days

“What are you looking at, Y/N Cookie?”

“Hm, oh hey, Pure Vanilla. It’s just..a photo. I took….of me and my friends…”

“Oh? Can I perhaps take a look?”

“N-No, I’m..not ready to share this with others yet. It’s..a sensitive story for me…”

“O-oh, it’s okay! Please, take all the time you need. I’ll be there whenever you’re ready…”

“Yeah…”

You looked at the photo. You and your…former close friends. Smiling, enjoying yourselves.

“Thank you…”

You missed those times together. You had missed your friends. Them. Not what they had become…

———————————————————————

February - Storm Warning

“Where’s Y/N Cookie? Did they skip out on fishing with us today?”

“Yeah, I’d reckon they won’t be fishin’ with us for a while! Something about the ocean havin’ scaring them.”

“They’re afraid of the ocean? I’ve seen them fish in dangerous waters before. You telling me a little storm is scaring them?”

“I tried telling ‘em that. It felt..off when they looked at me in the eyes and whispered somethin’ to me.”

“What was it?”

“That this was no ordinary storm…”

Lightning crashes and thunder booms as the two fishermen cookies jump. They’d normally tried to sweep it under the rug as the storm just picking up.

If not for the sound of crying far off in the distant sea…

———————————————————————

March - Ingrained

You couldn’t move…

Seeing through the vines that shielded you from the outside world, not sure if passing by cookies observing and marveling at you…or the plant that Herb Cookie had become feeding off your life powder…

Vines were pierced into your dough, so you couldn’t even pull them off if you wanted to. You barely had the strength….

Herb Cookie…he said…you wouldn’t die. A part of you actually wished you could…

Or at least wish he was here right now, anything to break the monotony of vines settling and moving around you…

His empty, smiling husk right next to you didn’t exactly look like the type to have conversation with…

———————————————————————

April - The Dessert Report

You had carefully placed the ancient desserts into your office fridge before closing it, locking it by typing in a numbered keypad that was hooked to the fridge on the wall.

“The shift is over, manager. Where is our just dues..?”

You quickly turned around to see Redcap Mushroom and Demoncake Kitsune Cookie hidden in the shadows of your moonlit office.

“Right, right. I know, just let me head to the break room and get them-“

“We saw you place desserts in that fridge just now. We’ll take that…”

“What? I’m sorry, you two. These particular desserts aren’t for anyone to consume.”

Demoncake Kitsune floated fast towards you, leaning down her tall figure to stare directly at you with her glowing red eyes and black slit pupils.

“….”

“Come on, Demoncake. You’re well aware of what I told you both about desserts made from the Ancient Heroes.”

“Then we’ll need double of today’s worth in…pay. We don’t like being held out on, manager~”

“Plenty of Cookies came in today with gifts, that works for me.”

You escorted the two out of your office towards the front of the store.

You take a second to glance back at the locked fridge…

Once you’ve tasted something so s..w..e..e..t, nothing else would ever satisfy…

———————————————————————

May - The Lone Giant

Earthbread officials have declared the Lone Giant a passive hazard that’s meant to stay out of the way of. Attempts to approach the Giant has been met with hostile resistance from a group wearing white masks.

Towns in the path of the Giant are strongly advised to remain indoors until it has passed. Do not attempt to provide aid to Cookies that are outside during these curfews, they are beyond saving.

Do not try to apprehend or go to the Giant as it is considered extremely dangerous, whether the Giant itself or by the hostile group of Cookies spotted close by it.

Many Cookies continue to go missing in the Giant’s path to this day.

———————————————————————

June - Yin and Yang

“I’m sorry, but Y/N Cookie is not in at the moment. Please feel free to leave any message or gift with me.”

“…I see. But do please tell them that I wish to..spend the afternoon with them? Is that right?”

“Right, I’ll go ahead and pencil that in for you, your Majesty-“

“KEEP THE DOOR OPEN! KEEP THE DOOR OPEN!”

Dumpling Cookie and Dark Cacao Cookie turned to see you frantically running towards the castle door, your face completely covered in pink and purple kiss marks! Your culprits in high pursuit behind you, Affogato and Peach Blossom Cookie.

“Oh, why did you have to pull away so soon~ I wasn’t done with our little get-together~”

“Is everything alright, Y/N Cookie~? I had just prepare a special peach bao I prepared just for you.”

“I needed room to breathe!”

You dart in through the gap in the castle door and Dumpling Cookie quickly closes it, turning back to Dark Cacao Cookie.

“Should I tell them of your message?”

———————————————————————

July - Volition’s End

Dark Cacao Cookie climbed up the steps, having to stop to catch his breath when he noticed the statue of Mystic Flour Cookie…along with another Cookie beside her, one he didn’t recognize.

“That Cookie…who..?”

“That would be Captain Y/N Cookie, a guard of Mystic Flour Cookie, my Lord.”

Cloud Haetae was oddly more..quiet when bringing up this Cookie, something Dark Cacao Cookie noticed.

“Their sole duty was to protect Mystic Flour Cookie at any cost, even the cost of their own live itself. And that’s exactly what they did, defending her from Cookies that burned with hatred.”

“I..had never seen Mystic Flour Cookie act the way she did ever since that day. Kind of like you, my Lord. She cherished Y/N Cookie more than anything, holding onto their crumbled body as she returned to her cocoon. Because all she needed was them..”

“Have you ever experienced the feeling of emptiness for so long, my Lord?”

———————————————————————

August - Feathered Envy

“Tell me, truly! Who’s the most beautiful of us two? It’s very clear that it’s me, right?”

“Well…”

“Please, allow my precious to answer for themselves. Their answer must come from the bottom of their heart..”

“What? Are you afraid that my darling little Cookie may prefer the more beautiful one between us, Sugar Swan Cookie?”

“Let them answer for themself.”

“It’s clear who they’ll pick anyway. You might as well fly off already. The season is waiting for you-“

“The season can wait. Let them answer truthfully.”

———————————————————————

September - Tale of the Forced Hand

“Will you be alright, Y/N Cookie?”

You gave Pure Vanilla Cookie a reassuring nod, but you kept clutching your head.

“Yeah…yeah, I’ll be okay. I-I don’t know what happened back there. I just saw you all in danger and something in me just..wanted to do something to help.”

“That power you displayed, it was something Shadow Milk Cookie didn’t expect, yet relished in.”

“That smile of his, he knew something..but what was it…”

“Regardless, it’s possible he’s alerted the other Beasts about you. If what he had done was anything, he may not be willing to let you go a second time.”

“Something’s going on here, Pure Vanilla Cookie. It’s like I…remembered Shadow Milk Cookie, but..I didn’t know him at the same time either…”

“Y/N Cookie, could it be that..”

“No. There’s no way. I’ve lived an ordinary life since the beginning! I remember traveling and staying at the Cookie Kingdom when it used to be rubble.”

“Shadow Milk Cookie’s word cannot help trusted…”

“..yet his words always carry a speck of truth. No, I..couldn’t be this Compassion, right?”

———————————————————————

October - Five Nights with Dragons

“Is everything alright with the Great Dragon recently?

“I don’t know, they’ve been acting different since the sacrifice a while ago…”

“Did they..actually get the sacrifice..?”

“They did, I was there to check out the aftermath, the whole place was a mess. Yet, not a crumb was in sight on the floor.”

“Then what happened to the sacrifice?”

“No one knows. The cameras only caught the Great Dragons dragging them out of the home.”

“Then why…why is the Great Dragon angrier then they’ve ever been before?”

———————————————————————

November - Cookie to the Rescue

“So, you really endangered yourself to rescue Golden Osmanthus Cookie is what I’m hearing.”

“Pretty much. I wasn’t going to just leave her, Dumpling Cookie. I didn’t care if I crumbled off an arm to do so!”

“That’s quite the strong feeling towards a Cookie you’ve only met for a little while..”

“So what? Are you going to be like Crowned about this?”

“I was only asking, ‘kay? Remember that this kingdom needs you, Y/N Cookie. You can’t always throw yourself into danger and come out of it all right.”

“I know…”

“But seeing you go out of your way to help others, it’s one of the many things I like you about, Y/N.”

“O-Oh! Thank you, Dumpling Cookie.”

“So..what’s your relationship with Golden Osmanthus?”

“So nosy!”

———————————————————————

December - Destructive Influence

You hurried into a quiet part of the arena locker rooms, quickly pulling the small bit of incense you had stashed away. Taking a deep breath of its fragrance, you felt his influence slip away bit by bit as your mind calms down.

“And just what are you doing?”

“Keeping you from going out of control. What was that back there?! I-I thought you were just going to rough them up a little, not completely tear those three apart!”

“Hahaha! Why would I hold back against pathetic worms who crumble at the first sign of strength such as mine! I helped you and your bunch of friends, you OWE me.”

“I owe you nothing. You could’ve crumbled them! They may be..not the best sort of Cookies, but-“

“But WHAT?! Will you allow these weak, so weak Cookies to push you around?! Or will you allow me to show you the type of power you can have? Where no Cookie in your way will be able to stop you!”

“I…”

“Or will you end up as dust on like any other Cookie before you…?”

You looked at your right hand, it was trembling as it clenched into a fist. You felt a burning sensation coursing through your very dough, as if he was manifesting his power through it.

“Your enemy will not show mercy. Are you not going to give them the same or are you going to them every ounce of power that COURSES THROUGH YOUR DOUGH?!”

“ENOUGH!”’

You punched the wall in front of you, making the room tremble as you make a large dent in the wall. The burning faded as did Burning Spice’s influence..

Thank Swan for Golden Osmanthus Cookie’s incense. You only hope it can remain effective for as long as you needed it…

———————————————————————

It’s been a great year with you all! Here’s to another!

[satanicsanity]

Little fun-facts about my Wally-Baker-Darling Au! <3

Tw: Pills, disturbing themes, cannibalism, blood, disturbing imagery, Bonnie's bakery type themes I suppose

- Interestingly enough... Home isn't the villian in this au, Wally Is. Home acts more as wally's righthand man, and follows orders from wally directly. Home does not agree with what wally does to the neighbors he doesn't like... But he protects home, and Home knows better than to go against wally's word.

- Wally takes "sugar pills" to keep himself upbeat and happy around his friends, they're quite literally pills made out of pure sugar. They have no effect on the other neighbors... But wally has an odd reaction to sugar. It quite literally messes with his head, making him far more cheerful.. And more patient.

- Wally likes to call his victims his 'ingredients.' he doesn't see them as anything but product to be used, he feels nothing upon targeting a victim... No regrets, no mercy, nothing.

- Wally loves to personally taste his own dishes at times, making sure that they're perfect to serve.

- Wally has retractable teeth, that are sharp as blades... Home and poppy are the only ones who've seen wally's teeth.

- Poppy has often nightmares about wally, she's incredibly suspicious of him and knows something isn't right... But she can't tell anyone, she hasn't got any proof of wally's deeds. And everyone in the neighborhood trusts wally... They almost look up to him.

- Howdy visits wally's bakery frequently, and the two often just stand around talking to each other.

- Wally can be ever so slightly egotistical... He knows he's an amazing baker, and he's worked for years to get where he is now. If another baker moved into the neighborhood, wally would be suspicious but wouldn't mind... Unless they tried opening a bakery shop of their own, then there's a problem.

- Julie is often the one to know when wally is upset, and is one of the only neighbors who can calm him down when he's having a hard time... She knows wally struggles mentally, and is always there for him no matter what.

- Wally always brings treats to Sally's shows to share, as he and the other neighbors watch her performances. And wally will make Sally cakes as a way to congratulate her for doing a good job, as always. Often he will only leave his bakery to see Sally's performances, he always finds it would be insensitive of him to not attend.

- Wally overworks himself consistently, and his friends will find him passed out on the counter a lot. He doesn't have a proper sleep schedule, and is sleep deprived as hell. (lol same)

- Wally can put up a damn good fight, he's not the strongest.. But he's nowhere near weak. His victims aren't able to struggle for long before giving in, and getting slaughtered by him.

New funfacts!! <3

- Howdy slow dances with baker sometimes whenever Baker is upset, or has to go to an event with dancing in it! Baker isn't good at dancing and has two left feet, but howdy is slowly teaching him! Howdy is the only person Baker feels comfort trying, and failing, at dancing around

- Baker goes on early morning runs often, and listens to recorded true crime shows! (he got an i-pod from Julie as a gift!)

- Wally has a spiral scar on his chest that was given to him by entity as a marking of devotion/loyalty in a sense

Main/other information

[spectascopes]

Without a Second Thought - Chapter 2

Undertale Fanfiction (Gen, SFW) No relationships or pairings Tags (from AO3): Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Mental Health Issues, Gender-Neutral Frisk, Trust Issues, Sans is a Mess, Good Parent Toriel, Toriel is Frisk’s Mom, Manipulation, Flowey isn’t a great friend, but nobody is surprised, Soriel Lightly Implied, Past Child Abuse, Narrator Chara, Major Character Injury, Injury Recovery, Crying, lots and lots of crying, Reader is Frisk Link to AO3 version

“You got through the Underground with the help of a ghostly companion nobody else could see, and you made a lot of friends along the way, but Chara didn’t come with you into the sunlight.

Now you have a new mom, and a new family, but no extra brain to help you make the right choices. It might have lasted, too, if you hadn’t messed it up.”

Chapter 1

“Which brand of biscuits would you like, my child?” Toriel asked.

You looked up at the store shelves. It was noon on a Saturday and the supermarket was bustling with humans and monsters alike. 

“THE RED BOX HAS A PUZZLE ON THE BACK!” Papyrus said. “I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT. EASY WORK FOR A MASTER OF MY CALIBER, AND HELPING THE MOUSE GET TO THE CHEESE IS EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING!”

“nah get the blue kind, they taste better,” Sans said from Papyrus’s cart. He was too big to fit in the seat for kids, so he was just sitting flat in the bottom of it with food piled on top of him, propped up enough against the front that he could get his arms out.

“YOU SHOULDN’T THINK WITH YOUR STOMACH, SANS! SOMEBODY PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THAT PUZZLE!”

“it’s puzzling they didn’t put more effort into the crackers.”

“Maybe… both?” you suggested. Toriel, laughing at Sans’s silly pun, smiled and grabbed one of each box.

“huh. thats one way to do it.”

“I SUPPOSE IF YOU BUY TWO CAKES YOU CAN HAVE ONE AND EAT IT, TOO... THOUGH IT FEELS A LITTLE UNETHICAL.”

“I think that saying is just for things that you can’t buy more of,” you said as you all walked along. Papyrus’s shopping technique seemed to be grabbing random items and hoping for the best as he followed Toriel- list organized and ready- around the store. Sans made a game of putting things into the cart without his brother noticing, so he was covered in miscellaneous junk that would inevitably have to be returned to the right place.

“OH, LIKE FRIENDS! OR LOVE… OR A VINTAGE MTT FIGURINE THAT WAS RELEASED IN A LIMITED RUN BUT A FIRE AT THE WAREHOUSE SCORCHED ALL BUT A SINGLE, BEAUTIFUL RECTANGLE.” Papyrus made doe-eyes at nothing but quickly shook himself from his gay thoughts. “FRIENDS, THOUGH, I THINK THAT’S IT!”

“Yeah, like that,” you confirmed.

“why would you have a friend and wanna eat them, too? that’s pretty weird.” Sans reached over and plucked a package of tortillas from right under his brother’s metaphorical nose. “you don’t wanna eat us, pal… right?” Sans asked with a sly smile. “only monsters that ever wanted to do that were the dogs. they’d’ve done it without paws .”

You smiled as Papyrus groaned loudly. 

“WELL THEY HAD BAD TASTE IN CANNIBALISM CANDIDATES; SKELETONS JUST TASTE LIKE BONES! AND MAYBE SKINCARE PRODUCTS IF THEY ARE ME AND NOT YOU! BESIDES, FRISK LICKED MY FOREARM DURING A ROWDY TRUTH OR DARE AT UNDYNE’S HOUSE SO THEY KNOW BONES DON’T TASTE VERY GOOD!”

“Frisk did what?” Toriel asked. Sans stifled a laugh with a gloved hand while you blushed up at your mom’s piercing stare.

—

You waited until mom was in the living room and sleeping on her chair- it was just about a nightly occurrence and it made you happy to listen to her softly snoring in front of the fireplace.

Tonight you wouldn't get to, though, as you quietly opened the backdoor.

"Finally! Ugh! Is she asleep?" Flowey huffed at once, sticking up his stem as much as he could. It wasn't much. He came to about your thighs.

"She's on her chair, yeah," you said. You had a deep feeling of unease in your chest, but you'd already agreed and you'd be a filthy liar if you said you weren't a little curious. 

"Great! Where's my pot?"

"Uhm, most people call it weed I think-"

"HA HA HA!" he fake-laughed as you reached down beside the door and grabbed the ceramic flowerpot you used to bring him inside and save the floors from Flowey-holes. He paused, an idle smile on his face. "Okay, alright, I guess that was a little bit funny."

You snickered and squatted down- he uprooted himself as much as he could and you dug your hands into the now-soft dirt and scooped him up the rest of the way. 

"We have to be quiet, okay? She usually sleeps for a couple hours but it's only nine, she could get back up," you said as you deposited your seedy friend into his container.

"She's built like a truck, we'll hear her coming," Flowey dismissed.

"Hey-"

"Relax, relax! It's a neutral statement, I wish I was that big." He patted your hand and you picked him up, puffing your cheeks at his insulting statement. Then again, she was pretty large... better for hugs.

You crept back into your bedroom where you had your laptop charged and ready for whatever Flowey had planned. 

"Where's the stuff you said you were bringing?"

"I got it in my roots, it's just a flash drive with some data. As long as you can summon your SAVE we should be good."

Once you were inside with the door only cracked a little- so you could hear your truck mom coming- you sat your friend on the ground where he quickly produced a tiny metal stick, wrapped up in a couple leaves.

You looked at it and frowned. You were really, really not sure about this, and you were growing less sure by the minute. You looked towards the door.

"Hey, I can see those anxious little eyeballs, you can't back out now!" Flowey reprimanded with a leaf-slap to your leg. You sat down further, legs crossed, back against your bed. "You promised!"

"I mean- I explicitly didn’t? I don't think I-"

"Okay but I don't care, I'll be really sad if you do!"

You looked at him. He was pouting, and you could tell this was a little important to him, but he'd also genuinely tried to kill you, so you weren't super keen on indulging every last one of his whimsies. Still...

"I said I'd let you look. That's it," you said firmly. You held out your hands in front of you.

"And that's all we need, friend!" he chirped, vibrating in excitement. "Lemme see it!"

"Shh, it's hard to summon, give me a second," you said as you closed your eyes. Flowey remained quiet.

How to get your soul into the spirit of this... usually it wasn't hard to SAVE, but there was no real reason to now and that made it a little difficult to be determined...

"Your mom... back from dust..." he whispered dramatically.

"Okay, shush!"

-

The thought of having cool powers fills you with DETERMINATION .

-

You opened your eyes and saw the bright yellow light, same as always. You didn't immediately save- and you didn't think you wanted to. No point in it, you were not going to reset no matter what. Having up-to-date save states didn't matter.

"Oooooh," Flowey cooed, turning his head this way and that to look at it better. "Yours is a little different than mine was, it's way yellower. Mine was kinda more... spoiled-milk-colored."

"Ew," you said immediately. You looked down at the flower who was already using his vines to drag your laptop from its place against the side of your dresser.

"Okay, okay, so-" he said as he flipped open the top and fiddled with things, putting his tiny drive into the USB slot. "The game is made up of data, right?"

"Sure. I hate when you call it a game, but sure."

"Not the point," he said, continuing to type with his leaves and a couple little vine tendrils. The way he stuck his stupid little plant tongue out would have been cute if he wasn't being manipulative. "The point is that it's all numbers. Values. I've looked at some stuff I had from my last SAVE- I always kept track of it- and I know what numbers tie to which things."

"Does one of them tie to resetting?" you asked, watching your yellow star. You wanted Flowey to just get on with it.

"Nope, that's something you have to do manually. Just changing a value won't apply it, you have to reboot, essentially."

"I don't understand computer stuff that well."

"Neither do I, but I know what I need to know!" he said, and then he pushed the laptop out of the way enough to look back at the SAVE. "Can you see the numbers?"

"No..."

“Of course you can’t, you have pathetic human eyes," he said, closely observing the SAVE, very intent on it. "I guess magic comes a lot more naturally to monsters- but it’s probably cause I'm a freak abomination, honestly." 

"...okay?"

Flowey looked a moment longer before glancing at the screen. He kept looking back and forth, staring at something in your SAVE that you couldn't see. You were paying more attention to the sound of the fire and snoring and straining to hear absolutely anything else.

"Okay, gimme your finger. Let's alter some numbers."

"You didn't even say what they do?" you whispered. That noise was the fire, right?

"It would just go over your head- it's altering some of your data through the SAVE." He held out a thin vine to you. "I've seen Sans and Papyrus's data and I know how their weird powers tie into their values, so I think I can just poke at yours to give you some, too!"

"Is that safe?"

"They're both fine, aren't they?" Flowey asked. He rolled his eyes. "It's really nothing to worry about, just don't close the SAVE before I'm finished or something will get messed up. It'll only take a minute."

You chewed your lip, looking at the vine. "Flowey, I don't know-"

"Come on, the worst that'll happen is you can teleport like Sans when we're done! Or do that weird... air-walky thing Papyrus does sometimes. That I'm not even sure he knows he can do."

"Can you change it back if it messes anything up?" you asked. Even if Flowey was the monster-… flower you cared about disappointing the least, you still cared a little bit. To be honest, though, you really didn't want to do this.

"Yeah! As long as you don't close me out before I'm done, cause then I won't know exactly what I changed and I don't have the days it takes to copy down a whole SAVE!"

You listened again, but all you heard was the fireplace. The room was cast in a harsh yellow light- if anybody peeked in, they'd for sure know something was going on.

"Frisk, c’mon! This could be really really helpful, and you can't be a wimpy invertebrate your whole life!"

"Okay, fine, just- just do it fast," you said, and you put your hand down for his vine to guide.

You watched the hallway as he used your fingers to change numbers. The shadows fell in such a way that you wouldn't know somebody was out there until they were right outside- Toriel's footsteps were loud enough to hear as soon as she got up, so it was fine. Everything was fine! You felt like crying, but you felt like that half the time anyway. God, you didn't want to do this anymore.

"Okay, just a few more, your hand is sweaty," Flowey said.

You didn't listen to him, just the fireplace. 

Wait. You froze, Flowey no longer able to move your hand around.

Just the fireplace- why had mom stopped snoring?

"Frisk, what the hell-"

A shadow fell in front of the door and a familiar voice sent ice down your spine.

"yo, kiddo, surprise- left my spray cheese in your grocery bag- anyway your mom wants to know if-"

Sans pushed the door open to find you and Flowey cast in yellow, a deer caught in the headlights and a pissed off plant.

"Wh- hey! Ever heard of knocking, dude?" Flowey yelled.

Sans didn't say anything. He’d looked at Flowey for only a moment before-

He was looking at you. He was looking at you- right at you- expression starting on shock, to fear, to- to-

You burst into tears and shut your SAVE at once.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Flowey- he- I'm sorry, please-"

"FRISK! I told you not to close it, what- I didn't finish! Fuck, no, this isn't good-"

"were you gonna reset?"

The lights in his eyes were gone. You felt like your gut was collapsing in on itself- why was Sans here? Why him? Why him? You didn't care about Flowey or your SAVE.

"No! No, no I swear- he just- he wanted to look at it a-and try to change some- some data or-"

"just curious, huh?" he asked, the anger- the betrayal- so clear on his ever-smiling face. The nonchalance of the accusation only made it worse. "just kinda messin' around, hoping for the best?" You'd never seen him look like that and you thought it would kill you.

"Shut up, Trashbag, this is serious!"

"yeah. it is."

"I didn't- I didn't mean to-"

Sans closed his eyes. This couldn't be happening. This was the one thing he was sensitive about- the one single thing you knew would make him genuinely upset-

"look, kid. you do you, break your promises, whatever, but. but keep me and my brother out of it, okay?" Sans turned around, his words harsh and his voice tight. "later."

"Wait!" you shouted as you lunged towards him, knowing what was about to happen, but he shortcutted away. No no no no- you somehow overshot the lunge and slammed your head into the wall, double-vision letting you see two empty spaces where your friend had just been. 

Where he'd just left you. No. No no. No-

"Shit- that's bad, that's real bad- Frisk, stop fucking crying, I have to try and-"

"GET OUT!" you screamed, putting your hands to your ringing ears. "I don't care, get out!"

"Your data is-"

"GO AWAY!" you sobbed. Flowey started to protest again, but then the sound of pounding feet down the hall started. He swore, and the next thing you knew Toriel was scooping you into her arms. She was talking to you, but your chest hurt. It hurt. Everything hurt so much and you couldn't get enough air into your lungs. It'd been so long since you'd had a panic attack that it felt like you were dying.

The way he'd looked at you- the anger- the hurt- you shut everything out because you didn't know how to deal with this. It couldn't happen here- it couldn't- where would you go? Sans- Papyrus- and then they'd tell- and-

You stayed curled up into a ball until you tired yourself to exhaustion. Mom held you the whole time, cooing, petting your hair. 

Nobody was here to make them like you anymore, and you'd finally messed it up bad enough for them to realize. 

[azucar-skull]

I know present, Green Eyed Mask, but in this prompt

Ahem...

How to raise a baby you found in a dumpster

How to get over dead mom

How to stop an orphan from crying

Resistance map

What is gay

Top 10 Kraang bases to look out for

How to fight a cannibal

How does an interracial wedding work (smth I actually had to google btw)

What is the bishop fianchetto

How to survive a plane crash

What do I do when I see dead people

Hair loss treatment

What is a panic attack and how do I cure it so that it never happens again

Running away tips

How to escape kidnapping

What is transgenderism and why was I born this way

Funeral home for baby

What is 8079 out of 1.6 million as a percentage

How long does it take to get from Moldova to New York when traveling 200 miles per hour

What do you do when you have 3 days left to live

How to throw a sweet 16 in the middle of the apocalypse

What does grab a slice mean

How the fuck did I time travel

New York laws on legal guardians and custody

Is it weird if my mom is now suddenly 18 and I am 16

What the fuck is a mall

What is a doctor

How to cope with being a recently bereaved parent

Therapy near me

*voice to text* help my hands are ghost

How to quit smoking

How to unquit smoking

What is that one Jenna Raine song

Why is murder considered unlawful

Byzaria news headlines

How to exploit the government

What to do when you have been third wheeled

How to cure my emotionally constipated human brother

Prom dress by mxmtoon

Why is my boyfriend mad at me

How to repair a robot

Top tourist sites to visit

How to stage an intervention for my emotionally constipated human brother

Cpr bpm

How to break the fourth wall

Custom birthday cake shop near me

Write a horror story in the format of an Internet search history

[trinity-mia]

a story as endless as the ocean

the sea of monsters

0.1 nightmare blunt rotation

warnings : monster attack, allie gets injured, cussing

word count : 3.6k

0.1 As Ke$ha Once Said, "I Am Cannibal" Except I'm Not the Cannibal, I Just Get Attacked By Some

My nightmare started like this:

I was standing on a deserted street in some little beach town. It was the middle of the night. A storm was blowing. Wind and rain ripped at the palm trees along the sidewalk. Pink and yellow stucco buildings lined the street, their windows boarded up. A block away, past a line of hibiscus bushes, the ocean churned.

Florida, I thought. Though I wasn't sure how I knew that. I'd only been to Florida a few times, and I knew I'd never been there. Miami, Jacksonville, Tallahassee, Key West, Tampa Bay, and Orlando were the only places I'd ever been to. Most of which happened on the same road trip. This was none of those places.

Then I heard hooves clattering against the pavement. I turned and saw my friend Grover running for his life. I was instantly worried, because I hadn't seen him since last July, when he set off alone on a dangerous quest, a quest that no satyr had ever returned from.

Anyway, in my dream, Grover was running as fast as he could, holding his human shoes in his hands the way he only does when he needs to move fast. He clopped past the little tourist shops and surfboard rental places. The wind bent the palm trees almost to the ground.

I could tell that Grover was terrified of something behind him. He must have just come from the beach. Wet sand was caked in his fur. He'd escaped from somewhere. He was trying to get away from... something.

A bone-rattling growl cut through the storm. Behind Grover, at the far end of the block, a shadowy figure loomed. It swatted aside a street lamp, which burst in a shower of sparks.

Grover stumbled, whimpering in fear. "Have to get away," he muttered urgently to himself. "Have to warn them!"

I couldn't see what was chasing him, but I could hear it muttering and cursing. The ground shook as it got closer. Grover dashed around a street corner and faltered. He'd run straight into a dead-end courtyard full of shops. No time to back up. The nearest door had been blown open by the storm.

The sign above the darkened display window read: ST. AUGUSTINE BRIDAL BOUTIQUE. Grover dashed inside and dove behind a rack of wedding dresses.

The monster's shadow passed in front of the shop. I could smell the thing— a sickening combination of wet sheep wool and rotten meat and that weird sour body odor only monsters have, utterly indescribable and disgusting.

Grover trembled behind the wedding dresses. The monster's shadow passed on.

Silence except for the rain. Grover took a deep breath. Maybe the thing was gone?

Then lightning flashed. The entire front of the store exploded, and a monstrous voice bellowed: "MIIIIINE!"

I sat bolt upright, shivering in my bed.

There was no storm. No monster.

The sun wasn't even in the sky yet. It was only five. My Upper West Side penthouse, the one I'd bought for when I was in the city for school, seemed to know me well, because the heat kicked on. 

"Good morning, Miss Jackson," Nate said from behind my door. "Do you need anything? I could've sworn I heard you scream?"

Or maybe it was just the man I paid to be my PA. 

"No, it's fine. Just a nightmare. I'll... be fine," I replied as he walked in. "Could you go get me some pancakes and bacon from that diner across the street, please? I'm going to get ready to go back to East Hampton for a few days. Though you don't have to leave now— I won't be here for a little bit. I'm feeling up for a morning jog."

"Of course, Miss Jackson."

"Thank you," I muttered as he walked out. I could still hear the New York traffic from 44 floors up. After a few seconds, I finally forced myself to get up. I hated lying to everyone, especially considering everything they did for me, but I had to. 

I thought I saw a shadow flicker across the glass-window-wall that spanned part of my balcony— a humanlike shape. But I blinked and the shadow at the door disappeared.

It must've been my imagination. Despite that, I stood and opened the balcony door to step outside briefly. I walked all the way over to the railing, confirming the whole way that I was alone— leaning over the side slightly once I got there, staring out at Central Park. Once I had assured myself that I was, in fact, imagining the shadow, I walked back in and pulled the door firmly closed and locked it. Just in case. Then I decided to actually get changed and pack my stuff. 

I tried not to think about my nightmare or monsters or the shadow at my balcony, focusing instead on the rhythmic actions involved in packing. I liked it, most of the time. There were never any threats of dying when I was packing my own clothes. 

Despite my best intentions, however, Grover's words insisted on echoing in my thoughts. Have to get away. Have to warn them!

What had he meant? Who did he have to warn? Did he mean the camp?

I made a three-fingered claw over my heart and pushed outward— an ancient gesture Grover had once taught me for warding off evil.

If it were a year ago, I would've been able to convince myself that the dream couldn't have been real. But that was before learning of my heritage. Before learning about a half-blood's ability to see the past and the present in their sleep. What if I had dreamed about something that was happening to Grover right now? What if one of my best friends was in mortal danger, and I was in a stupid-expensive Upper West Side apartment that used to belong to some random billionaire, packing clothes into a Louis Vuitton suitcase?

I bit my lip and added a few new lipsticks I'd gotten for Silena, Nessa, and the rest of the Aphrodite cabin.

Then, there was the message I had received last night from Chiron, telling me there were problems at Camp and I should delay my return for a while. It all added up to a lethal picture, and I would've put money on Annabeth and Cody's involvement.

Once I got a majority of my stuff for Camp packed, I walked out of my apartment and met the Manhattan sunrise and busy streets. I didn't always do it, but that day I felt like I needed to. Running on the streets of New York City was never a good idea, mostly because people gave you dirty looks if you got close to them, but I hated running the roads of East Hampton, so that was my best option when I wasn't at Camp. I put on my AirPods Maxes, turned on my music, and let myself fall into a rhythm.

I only ran a few blocks and was making my way back to my apartment when I ran into someone. 

"Oh, my god—" I had to stop myself from saying 'gods'— a habit I picked up over the past few months. "I'm so sorry!"

"Ah, it's alright," the man said. 

I bent down to pick up a few of the packages he dropped. "Here you go. Again, I'm really sorry," I said and finally looked at his face. I almost had to do a double-take because of his resemblance to Luke. 

I swear to every god that people believe in, if this is Hermes, I'm going to pitch myself off of my balcony. 

"Hey, it's no big deal. See you around."

I hoped he didn't mean literally. 

I finished my run and made my way back to my apartment and back to my room where I continued to pack my suitcase and change out of my running clothes. My thoughts wandered back to Grover and Camp Half-Blood and none of them were nice concepts.

I was broken from my increasingly grim solitude by Tyson entering the room.

Tyson was the reason I had been spending as much time as I had out in the mortal world. I'd say I had extra studying to do, but in reality, I was taking care of him. See, I wasn't exactly sure how to admit to everyone at Camp Half-Blood that I'd been letting a Cyclops stay in my penthouse.

Honestly, though, if it wasn't for the fact that he only had one big brown eye, right in the center of his forehead, you'd never know that he was a monster.

He was six-foot-three and built like the Abominable Snowman, but he cried a lot and was scared of just about everything, including his own reflection. His face was kind of misshapen and brutal-looking, with crooked teeth. His voice was deep, but he talked funny, like a much younger kid. I guessed maybe Cyclopses had a longer developmental period than humans do, or something. He could just be slow.

Before I found him, he wore tattered jeans, grimy size-twenty sneakers, and a plaid flannel shirt with holes in it. And at first, no matter what I did, he always smelled like a New York City alleyway. Or, at least he did, before he officially met me and my credit card. 

But anyway, the first time we met, I had left camp for college and as I was going to my next class on campus, I just about tripped over him. It took me a bit to realize that the reason I couldn't make myself look past his teeth was because of the Mist. And by then, he was just too sweet and babyish for me to kill. But I doubted Luke, who had a fierce grudge against Cyclopses for a reason he hadn't yet told me, would accept that excuse.

So, I had stayed a little longer in Manhattan with Tyson, giving excuses whenever I needed to and making sure Tyson would be okay for a few days before going back. In fact, while I'd finished the last semester of my freshman year of college three weeks prior, I'd told Chiron it was last week and I needed to stay a little longer for a couple of photoshoots. They worried about me, of course, but I hadn't been attacked a lot. It had surprised me that the number was so low, considering that before finding Tyson it was close to three or four attacks per week whenever I left the wards of camp.

Then I realized that every time I was attacked, Tyson wasn't with me, so it was pretty easy to understand that he was intimidating the rest of the monsters away. Even if I found it hard to believe that anyone or thing could be afraid of such a sweet kid. And believe me, Tyson was definitely a kid in Cyclops years. Exhibit A, this morning:

"Allie!" He squealed on entering my room and spotting me. He clapped his hands together hard enough to make the wall next to him shake. "Pancakes?" he asked me, eyes wide and a hopeful tone in his voice.

I softened instantly, a smile growing on my face as I temporarily pushed away my crippling fears over what was happening to Grover and at Camp.

"They're on their way," I answered fondly. While I was very affectionate with most of the people I met, children tended to bring out an even softer side of me. "And then we're going out to the beach," I added cheerfully, making Tyson clap his hands excitedly again.

The two of us went about eating our breakfast and getting ready. I could almost forget my worry for Grover and my friends at camp, but not quite. Luckily, Tyson didn't notice the strain on my face as I threw my suitcase into my car (a newly-purchased black Ford Mustang Mach-E— Tyson needed the extra leg room and never fit comfortably in any of my sports cars) and drove us to my East Hampton beach house, one of the few things I had left of my mother. 

I made sure to tell Nate he'd have the next week or so off and I'd keep in touch to inform him if I needed anything done. Because of my completely out-of-wack schedule and no shortage of money, I normally still paid him even on weeks he had off. It wasn't fair to him to have to get another job because he couldn't pay to live whenever I didn't need him and I normally only knew when that would be about half of the time. If he was to deal with me being all over the world, I could at least pay him for the struggle. He was a good assistant anyway, he deserved it. 

The two-hour ride was something I wasn't looking too forward to. Tyson found everything interesting and, though I was a very experienced driver, he got frustrated if I couldn't see and explain something he saw. Thankfully, he slept most of the trip and I didn't have to pull over at any point to calm him down. 

When we got there, I went immediately inside and sat my suitcase down by the front door then went back outside and sat on the back porch. Tyson was building what was doubtlessly going to be a legendary sandcastle, while I sat twisting my cuff bracelet-disguised sword on my right arm and brooding over what I should do. I wanted to rush straight to Camp Half-Blood and help with whatever was threatening my home as well as find Grover, but I couldn't just abandon Tyson for that long. And bringing a Cyclops to Camp Half-Blood of all places seemed like a disaster in the making. They would scare him, and no doubt the campers would all freak over the whole monster thing.

As I left the fenced-in area of my backyard to stand on the beach, closer to Tyson, I noticed a bunch of ridiculously buff guys playing beach volleyball on my neighbor's side and frowned at them. It wouldn't have been too suspicious, but my neighbor was an elderly navy vet turned US Senator who was living out his retirement in the Hamptons with his wife. They were known to take in a few foster kids here and there, but these guys looked way too old to still be in the system. My senses tingled in warning, and my grip tightened automatically on my bracelet and the same arm went up to my necklace-disguised sword. I bit my lip and turned away from them. I didn't need to get in a fight if I could avoid it.

It wasn't illegal for them to be there or anything; they weren't on my private beach, so I shouldn't have had a problem. But I couldn't deny the obvious: they were likely monsters and I was likely about to be involved in a fight for my life. 

"Scared," Tyson mumbled, having stopped building his sandcastle. "Smell funny."

I looked at him, frowning. "What smells funny?"

"Them." Tyson pointed at the boys. "Smell funny."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. I didn't know a lot about Cyclops physiology, but it made sense that they'd be able to smell other mythological creatures. Grover could, after all.

"Stay away from them," I ordered him softly, leaning further onto one of the trees outlining my backyard, hoping it hid me well enough. "Just build your castle."

He nodded, going back to the castle, which was now up to my hip while standing, with wings, windows, a moat and all. It really was a masterpiece.

A few minutes later, though, I could see that they were definitely looking at me, tree be damned. I straightened, determined to get the hell out of the open, and called to Tyson.

"Tyson," I said. "Let's g—"

A ball slammed into my side. I collapsed to the ground, knowing from experience the feeling of multiple broken ribs and cursing my stupidity for not going inside earlier. The monsters exploded in laughter.

My eyesight was fuzzy as I struggled to rise. It felt like I'd just gotten the Heimlich maneuver from a gorilla. I couldn't believe anybody could throw that hard, monster or not.

Tyson yelled, "Allie, duck!" It was sound advice, so I followed the suggestion, falling flat against the ground once more.

I sent a silent thanks to the gods that at least there didn't seem to be any mortals around, because the volleyball players were growing in size. They were no longer just tall kids. They were eight-foot-tall giants with wild eyes, pointy teeth, and hairy arms tattooed with snakes and hula women and Valentine's hearts.

I scrambled around in my brain for identification and, more importantly, a weakness, but I couldn't. I decided to go to Plan B instead. Hack at them with my swords and hope for the best.

The one who seemed like the leader (in that he was the biggest and ugliest of the lot) growled at me. He had a tattoo on his biceps that said: JB luvs Babycakes. I wondered briefly who Babycakes was, and if she (or he, I don't judge) was blind and unable to smell.

"Now, Daughter of the Sea God. We Laistrygonians aren't just playing for your death. We want lunch!"

He waved his hand and a new batch of volleyballs appeared, but these balls weren't made of white synthetic rubber. They were bronze, the size of cannonballs, perforated like Wiffle balls with fire bubbling out the holes. They must've been searing hot, but the giants picked them up with their bare hands.

Another fireball came streaking toward me. Tyson pushed me out of the way before I could do something stupid, but the explosion still blew me head over heels.

I found myself sprawled on the ground, dazed from smoke, my pretty Versace blouse peppered with sizzling holes. I cursed, silently swearing vengeance for my cute top. It was one of my favorite ones! And it was, like, $500. Stupid monsters who don't appreciate good fashion. 

Just across from me, two hungry giants were glaring down at me.

"Flesh!" they bellowed. "Hero flesh for lunch!" They both took aim.

"Allie needs help!" Tyson yelled, and he jumped in front of me just as they threw their balls.

"Tyson!" I screamed, but it was too late.

Both balls slammed into him... but no... he'd caught them. Thank the gods for Cyclops' fire immunity, a fact my concussed mind had just remembered.

He sent them hurtling back toward their surprised owners, who screamed, "BAAAAAD!" as the bronze spheres exploded against their chests.

The giants disintegrated in twin columns of flame, a sure sign they were monsters, as if I had actually needed one.

"My brothers!" JB the Cannibal wailed. He flexed his muscles and his Babycakes tattoo rippled. "You will pay for their destruction!"

"Tyson!" I cried in warning. "Look out!"

Another comet hurtled toward us. Tyson just had time to swat it aside. It flew into the sea, causing a large, watery, explosion. To my dread, I heard one of my least favorite sounds in the distance. The sound of police sirens.

"Victory will be ours!" roared JB the Cannibal. "We will feast on your bones!"

I wanted to tell him that he seriously needed to smoke some weed to relax or something, but before I could, he hefted another ball. The other three giants followed his lead.

I knew we were dead. My ribs were too damaged for me to be able to fight properly and Tyson couldn't deflect all those balls at once.

The sound of waves crashing against the shore gave me a crazy idea. So, basically the same as all of my ideas, really. 

I closed my eyes, buried my face in my arms and concentrated on the place in my stomach that always tugged when I used my powers. Then, I reached out to the ocean mentally and pulled.

There was a loud roar as I dragged as much water as I could out of the sea and flung it forcefully at the cannibals. The monsters' screams turned to an awful gurgling sound before disappearing. When I looked up, they were gone and Tyson was soaked, a bewildered look on his face.

"Really, Angel?" a familiar voice called from the tree I'd been previously leaning against. "Do you have to be so dramatic, babe?"

I sighed and flopped over onto my back to give him my worst glare. I guess he knew my heart wasn't in it, especially when he jumped down from the branches, picked me up bridal style, and moved me to the water so I could heal. His boyish grin didn't waver.

"Hey, Luke," I greeted him grumpily.

*    *    *

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[m-jelly]

Last one! We made it here!

So I was re-reading your first ask w said soul anon, bc I love soulmates AUs. So it had me thinking, what if roles where reversed?

Not necessarily soulmate Au bc I don't wanna take Soul anon's position... But in a modern Au where reader is this detective, maybe specialized in very violent crimes (like Mindhunter or smth), and Levi's this house husband, works at a teashopans stuff.

And he's always so worried abt her bc she might get followed or end up getting hurt, so when he asks her why she doesn't stop working in such a dangerous job, she breaks telling him how people's lives are in her hands.

I had this idea while watching and reading Mindhunter, which is one of my favorites series and books, I hope u have fun writing my requests. See u soon 🙃💕

I LOVE mindhunter. It's so good.

How your husband worries.

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Genre and tags: Modern AU, mindhunter inspired, romance, love, fluff, angst, cute, inside Levi's head.

Concept: Levi runs a teashop and is happily married to you. Levi thinks the world of you and believes you are incredible and strong. However, Levi's head is full of worries about you and your dangerous job. Levi knows you're an agent in the FBI and you deal in dangerous cases, but you can't say too much. Levi wants you to leave the job so you can be safe. When you come home after a mission, you both have a chat in his shop. When he closes up you crack and tell him just what's really been going on and why you can't just leave.

Fresh tea leaves filled the air, their scent engulfed the room when hot water was lavishly poured over. A long sigh drifted out of Levi's chest as he felt peace in his job. He carefully poured the floral tea into a china cup before presenting it to his customer.

She might be dead. She's supposed to be home now and she's not. You're going to be widowed.

Levi flinched at the voice in his head. He clicked his neck and served the next customer. He poured a generous amount of honey into a cup and added warm lemon tea.

She might have been kidnapped and there's nothing we can do about it. We're just some weak teashop owner.

Levi slammed the cup and the poppy seed muffin down. "Th-Thank you."

We're losing it. We can't lose her. Maybe some psycho is stalking her and will love her better than me?

He looked up and sighed. He grabbed his cleaning things and started clearing up the tables.

She's in a ditch somewhere. She's being eaten by a cannibal. She's...a man is...

Levi welled up as he thought about a dreadful scene. "No. It's not true."

"What's not true?" You peered at Levi's face. "You okay? You look pale."

Levi dropped his things and yanked you into his arms. He held you tightly and inhaled your scent. "I missed you so much."

You hugged him back. "I missed you too." You let him go and kissed him. "I'm going to help myself to tea and cake."

"Sure."

Tell her! Say something! She needs to know how much she worries me.

Levi called your name. "Can we talk?"

You hummed and licked your fingers after handling a cake. "Sure." You sat down behind the counter and smiled. "What's going on?"

He sat down and hummed. "I love you deeply. You're the love of my life, but I worry about you."

"I worry about you too." You held his hands and smiled. "The world is a dangerous place."

He gripped your hands tightly. "I want you to leave your job."

You stared at Levi for a while. "Huh?"

He locked eyes with you. "I want you to leave your job. I can't take it anymore. I don't know if or when you'll come home. I'm scared you won't."

You sighed. "Levi."

He shuffled closer. "I don't want a divorce. I don't want to find anyone else to love in a safe job. I want you. I don't want anyone else. I want you to leave your job for your own safety. I want you to live and be with me."

You squeezed Levi's hands. "Can we talk about this when you're closed?"

He nodded and released your hands. "Okay."

"It's just some stuff I will mention the public can't hear or know."

"Okay." He cleaned up as you ate, then he closed up shop. "Alright, we're alone." He looked over at you to see you were crying. He ran over and held you. "Don't cry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

You sniffed and clung to Levi. "Sorry Levi." You pulled back and rubbed your tears away. "I would love to leave my job and be with you here in this shop, but I'm scared to leave. If I leave, how many lives will be lost? I stop killers and save missing people. I work so hard to save lives, but it's all too much sometimes. I had to interview a killer today. He mutilated a child beyond recognition and you know why he did it? Because the kid laughed too much outside his home."

Levi held you. "I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm sorry."

You held Levi tightly. "It was hell, but because of seeing him, I was able to catch another child killer before he could hurt another. I saved a little boy."

He smiled at you. "I'm so proud of you." He covered your face in kisses. "So damn proud. You're incredible."

You smiled. "Thank you."

"You put yourself through so much, but thankfully there's more people out there just like you fighting."

You sniffed. "There's a great team behind me." You frowned a little. "I think...I think I should leave the FBI and move to a local police force." You smiled a little. "We could move to a nice country town and move the teashop too."

Levi smiled. "I'd love that." He kissed you and hummed. "I think it'd be perfect for us."

You nodded. "It would. I'll take time off work for us to organise it all."

"I can't wait." He grabbed his phone. "There are so many nice places we can go to. Of course, you know what safe small towns there are."

You nodded. "I do." You giggled and looked at locations. "We'll find our new home and have peace."

[kittenfangirl20]

Adam: How the fuck Vox could pick the moth pimp over you.

Alastor: I could say the same about Lucifer choosing Lilith over you.

Adam: No offense, the kiss wasn’t bad, but your breath tastes rancid.

Alastor: That seems to be Hell’s lovely curse for cannibals is to have eternal corpse breath.

Adam: Gross.

They made it to Rosie’s boutique which also had a tea shop attached. Rosie was sitting at a table with a whole tea shop set up including little cakes and sandwiches.

Rosie: Don’t worry, nothing here is human meat.

Adam: Thank you.

Adam and Alastor sat down at the table.

Adam: Lucifer called me and wanted me to have lunch as well as warn me about you.

Alastor: That is perfect, I knew he would find you desirable when he saw you with me. He is always going to be competitive with me.

Adam: What the moth fucker said was uncalled for, I can always spot the signs of an abusive partner.

Alastor’s red eyes looked over Adam. He had a feeling that Lilith lied about who the true abuser was. It made him think of his own father and how he and his mother had to run and hide from him when he was growing up. Eventually his father found them and killed his mother, that awoke the darkness in Alastor and he killed his father. He then turned his father into jambalaya and ate it. Not everyone he killed and ate deserved it, but a good amount of them did, especially his father. Outside the boutique was a Vox Tek drone. Vox was watching Alastor on the many TV screens wishing he could be the one with Alastor instead of Adam. But as Valentino put it, why would Alastor want Vox when he had an angel.

@things-arent-what-they-seem66

(Fake Dating AU)

Adam stormed into the hotel, ever since he lost the battle at the Hazbin Hotel and was forced to flee, Sera was making Adam work there. She called it community service since Adam broke the treaty and was proven that Charlie was right. He threw aside the helmet since Charlie had a stupid rule about him not wearing it inside the hotel because it could trigger some of the guests. He froze when he saw Lilith in the lobby being all lovey dovey with Lucifer.

Adam internally: What the fuck is she doing here, she was so desperate to get that beach front property.

It was also painful to see her there with Lucifer. In spite of everything Adam still loved Lucifer. Lilith looked over at Adam and got that little smirk.

Lilith: Oh my Apple, you are just as handsome as you were in Eden.

Adam knew what she meant by that since her eyes differed to Adam’s stomach. Adam walked to one of the unused room and sat on the bed as he cried.

Alastor: You should be working.

Adam: Fuck you.

Adam knew Alastor used his shadow powers to sneak into the room to find Adam.

Alastor: The Queen is quite unbearable, don’t you think?

Adam: What?

Alastor: She waltzes in here like the last seven years never happened. I also noticed how you have been look at the midget king.

Adam: The term is short king.

Alastor: I know what I said, it would be quite delightful if Lucifer dumped Lilith so he could have you.

Adam: Why would he want me over her?

Alastor: I know a way to make you more desirable to him. We will pretend to date and when he sees you with me, he will be driven mad with envy. I remember how he acted when I acted paternal to Charlie, it was quite fun.

Adam: Why are you doing this, you aren’t exactly some altruist.

Alastor: True, but I need you to make someone else jealous. We both gain something out of this. In fact we will go on a “date” tonight because Lucifer will be there with his wife and the one I want to make jealous will be there as well. You just need new clothes, come with me.

Adam: Alright.

Alastor took Adam’s hand and took him to Cannibal Town and to Rosie’s Boutique.

Rosie: Alastor welcome.

Alastor: Rosie darling, I need you to give this man a makeover for tonight, here are instructions I have for you.

Alastor then handed Rosie instructions and Rosie smiled before dragging Adam to the back to give him a makeover.

(The outfit and wig Alastor is going to have Adam wear for their “date”)

((Beautiful ❤️))

Adam: Do I have to look like a fucking woman?

Rosie: Well when you have the curves for it, you fill out this dress quite nicely dear.

Adam sighed, he did look really nice he just wasn't used to looking more feminine or showing off more skin. He even wore gloves to cover his hands.

Alastor: Well don't you clean up well.

Adam: .... Thanks.

They went to a restaurant in Pentagram City where Lucifer and Lilith would be going and also where Vox and Valentino were going also.

Alastor made sure that their seat was in the middle of the restaurant, Adam had to admit that this place was nice and romantic.

If only it was Lucifer taking him here.

They sat down and ordered, Adam noticed that Alastor was looking over his shoulder. Slightly, he turned to see Vox and Valentino sitting in a booth.

Adam: Seriously, the flat face?

Alastor: Seriously, the shortest shit in Hell?

Adam looked to his other side and saw Lucifer and Lilith sitting down.

Adam: Touche.

Lucifer looked up and he froze, that was Alastor and ......... Adam!? He looked so beautiful in that dress, the way it hugged his curves.......

Lilith snapped her fingers in front of his face: Hello? Lu?

Lucifer: Huh? Oh yeah.

He kept looking over and he couldn't help the spike of jelsousy when that Bambi reject fucker touched Adams hand on top of the table.

On the other side, Vox wanted to go over there and smash that bitches face into the table and demand Alastor what the fuck he's doing!!

But he's not his boyfriend.......

Val: Don't look baby.~ He's not worth it.

Vox pulled his eyes away the best he could, it hurt seeing Alastor with someone else.

Vox: Yeah......

[wri0thesley]

sparring practise - sorbet x reader x gelato

you realise how helpless you are after an attempted burglary, and sorbet and gelato attempt to help you defend yourself. things do not go as planned. 

warnings: not sfw. reader is gender neutral and neutral of body. mentions of fighting, guns, knives, blood, home invasion, choking, cannibalism, serial killing, violence, general sorbet and gelato type warnings. 

yes this is self indulgent no i do not care

The home you share with Sorbet and Gelato is cloaked in civility. It’s in a nice neighbourhood that has a low rate for crime, and Sorbet dutifully tends to the flower beds – Gelato paints your front door in a shade of yellow that makes the neighbours whisper under their breaths even more than the nature of the relationship the three of you share, but nobody comes out and says it because as a whole, you seem like three perfectly well-adjusted and functional members of society who keep to yourselves.

They figure that Sorbet and Gelato work nights, perhaps as a security guards or some kind of manual labour – in the dark, bloodstains can look like all kinds of different things. They greet you when you go to the supermarket and gather your shopping, not blinking when you buy another new sharpening steel with the laugh that all three of you are foodies, and you seem to have an unfortunate habit of breaking them--

The house is your domain. The careful windows, the flower boxes, the neatly vacuumed carpets and the sigh as you stare at Gelato’s muddy boot prints in the entrance hall. They do their best – but sometimes, it is half past one in the morning, and they are weary and simply want to come to bed and embrace you.

The basement, though . . .

That is Sorbet and Gelato’s domain, and you are very rarely in it.

Not because you disapprove of what they do – but because they worry about you, you think. You are smaller than they are, not as scarred, not quite hardened by the years of their past.

“It’s better if you don’t get involved in Passione shit,” Gelato has said, a hundred times. “We need you here, amore! Who fuckin’ knows what we’d do without you?”

“He’s right,” Sorbet has intoned, wrapping his arms around both of your waists. “Bad enough we’re involved.”

“You love it!” Gelato accuses, leaning into Sorbet’s shoulder despite it. Sorbet’s mouth tilts at the corners, a small smile on his face. You know that a hundred men or perhaps more have had that smile be the last thing they see, Sorbet’s eyes dark, his face streaked with blood. It should strike fear into your heart – but all it ever does is make you want to poke his cheek, kiss him until you can feel the curve of his lips echoing all over you.

“Yes,” he says simply. “I do.”

Sorbet and Gelato keep their weapons down here, mounted on the wall. There’s an iron-topped table like the kind one would find in a butcher’s shop beneath the knives, shining brightly despite how often you’ve poked your head down there to tell them dinner is ready and seen it practically bathed in blood. The training mats to one side of the room, a table and chairs and fridge on the other side. Opposite the side of the room with the table and chairs are four iron manacles set into the brickwork, for times when hits have to be taken home and interrogated before being brought to an end – and for some of Sorbet and Gelato’s other outside of work activities, though they don’t talk to you much about those.

And tonight, you are here too.

“You leave me a gun in the bureau,” you’d said to Gelato, a night after a would-be attacker had attempted to burgle you, seeing that your house was neat and pretty and hearing on the grapevine that one homeowner was often alone. “But if someone overpowers me, I’m useless--”

(Sorbet and Gelato had not treated the man kindly. The basement is soundproofed, but you had still heard rhythmic thumping, and the next morning Sorbet had come into the kitchen with several unusual cuts of meat.

“They won’t fit in the fridge down there,” he’d said. Sorbet does most of the cooking. His meals are always delicious.)

It had been Sorbet’s idea to try sparring with you.

“We could leave you some knives too,” Gelato had suggested. “Maybe some other guns? A chainsaw?” and Sorbet had had to point out that none of those things would actually assuage your fears – in fact, if the perpetrator managed to wrangle them off you, you were left much worse off facing a chainsaw than you would be if you had never had one in the first place.

Gelato is closer to your height, so Sorbet makes him wrap his fists and take off his shirt. You do your best not to stare at his torso too much, though he is all lean, wiry muscle dotted with scars and starbursts that you have kissed a thousand times over. He sees you looking and gives you one of his most manic grins, his teeth all sharp – you repress the shiver that runs through you at that, trying to remind yourself you are here to learn and not merely to ogle your boyfriend. Though he does look very good, with his gold hair all tousled and a rush in his eyes that you always see when he feels like he has the dominant position.

Sorbet had taken a seat at first and told you to approach Gelato as if he were hostile, to see if you could get a punch in and so they could work on that – you had made a valiant attempt, despite every bit of common sense you had immediately whispering that Gelato was a predator and you were a prey animal.

You had not been surprised when he had flipped you easily, and you had landed on your back on the training mats with a great thump of air, all of the breath knocked out of you. One of Gelato’s heavy military grade boots had landed, gently, on your abdomen, as he’d bent over you with his eyes glinting in the fluorescent lighting of the basement.

“You look cute like that!” He’d laughed. “Come on! You can do better than this, tesoro!”

He’d been delighted as you’d dragged yourself back up, and as you had made attempt after attempt to get ahead of him. All of them had inevitably ended with you on your knees, or on your back – or once against a wall with a knife far too close to your back for comfort, Gelato’s hand easily around your throat.

That one had almost pushed you to the brink, your breath coming in little pants, a hot jolt of arousal coursing through you at just how Gelato was looking down on you. Gelato had obviously felt it too, because his grin had widened just a little, pressing closer to you so you’d felt the stiff, hot heat of something in his fatigues pressing heavily against your thigh--

“Come here,” Sorbet says. He’s stood up from the chair now, his hands coming to unbutton his own shirt. He is not quite as covered in scars as Gelato is – the blond is more reckless, and you have gathered his previous military experience was more dangerous than . . . whatever Sorbet did, after leaving his church school. That does not make any difference to the fact he is broad and muscled, sculpted from training and years of violence. “You’re not starting right. Your stance is all wrong.”

“I started that last one sittin’ on the floor to give ‘em a chance,” Gelato says, breathlessly, as he peels himself away from you and your hand flies to your throat, recalling the echo of Gelato’s calloused fingers. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve had one of their hands about their necks, but . . . well. It never gets old, does it? “’N I’m doing fine.”

“You have experience behind you, caro,” Sorbet’s tone is patient. “Of course you do.”

Gelato grins as he gets back into position opposite you, clenching his fist.

“Sorbetto,” his tone is sing-song, wheedling. “You’re not gonna tell me what a good job I’m doin’? C’mooooon--”

Sorbet chuckles, crossing the room to wrap an arm around Gelato’s smaller form, using one hand to tip up his face and place a chaste kiss on the tilt of his crooked nose. Gelato’s had two broken noses in the past six months.

“You know you’re doing wonderfully,” he coos at his boyfriend, who dutifully reddens despite asking for the praise. “But that’s not what we’re here for, is it?”

“No,” Gelato admits, with a sigh – he looks at you, and he gives you a nod. “You’re not doing too badly! Look, Sorbet could knock me down without blinking, if you’re gonna learn from him, some low-life fuckin’ thief is gonna be a piece of cake.”

Sorbet kisses him on the sweaty mass of his pale curls and comes to you.

“Here,” Sorbet murmurs, getting in very close to you. “Your feet are too far apart.” One of his feet kicks gently at your own, forcing you to widen your hips. He grabs a hold of those next, rearranging the tilt, his body so close that you can feel the heat radiating from his chest. Your breath catches as he takes your wrist, helping you curl your fingers into a fist. “Not too tight, don’t put your thumb inside or you’ll break it--”

He’s bent over you, his dark gaze on your hand – and you feel the puff of air he dispels in a breath, warming your neck and shoulder. You can barely breathe. Your heart is beating ten to the dozen.

You know Gelato is turned on – you’d felt that when you were pinned against the wall. You hadn’t realised until Sorbet had come up behind you that watching you was doing the exact same thing to him.

“Alright,” Sorbet says. “When you throw the punch, aim to get it through him, you’ll need the follow through.” You nod, but your throat is dry and your head is spinning.

“Yeah,” you say, “I will.”

Sorbet gives you a pat on the shoulder, before pausing and leaning in to whisper against your ear;

“Aim for his ribs. He’s got a weak spot, left side. You should be able to kick him and sweep him off-balance too.” A hand on your hip drags down, squeezing your ass. “If you manage it, he’ll fuck you into next week.”

“Don’t give ‘em too much of an advantage,” Gelato says. “Can I rush on them now?”

Sorbet gives a small smile again.

“Be my guest,” he says, but he does not go back to his chair – instead, he steps to one side so he can observe. Gelato bounces on the balls of his feet, all buzzing and unrestrained energy. You keep your fists as Sorbet told you to, re-running everything you’ve been told about punching today--

And Gelato moves like a wild animal, chaotic and quick. You dodge one of his blows by inches, sliding your foot forward towards him to alter your balance slightly, your dominant hand coming out with as much force as you can muster, everything you can remember about how to hold your fists running through your mind as it connects hard with Gelato’s left rib and the blond sputters.

Kick. Sweep. Under the ankle, despite his heavy boots--

Gelato stumbles to one side, balance lost, coughing – and then Sorbet is in the fray too, pushing you down in between the two of them so that you’re trapped between two of his legs and topple onto Gelato. The blond snarls hungrily, grabbing a handful of Sorbet’s hair and dragging him into a hungry kiss.

Sorbet’s stiff erection digs into the meat of your ass whilst Gelato’s digs into your front, stuck between the two of them, your glory at getting Gelato off of his feet seeming much less important than the frantic beating of your heart.

“You told them about my ribs,” Gelato grumbles. “Asshole.”

“Your asshole,” Sorbet reminds him, and kisses him again, before pulling away to wrap his arms about your middle instead. “Besides.” Sorbet’s voice turns low and smug. “You can’t tell me you didn’t notice . . .?”

Gelato snickers. He lets go of Sorbet’s hair to cup your face roughly.

“Cucciolo mia,” he says. “How long have you wanted to be fucked?”

Your face grows hot, but that just makes him grin harder, sparks fly from his dark eyes. He grinds his crotch into your thigh and you swallow the thickness that rises in there.

“M’sorry,” you say, after a moment, as Sorbet joins in with the bullying, grinding his hips against your ass. “I--”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Gelato says, with a laugh like a rusty iron grate. That’s one of those laughs that his victims hear – one you should be scared of, but that makes nothing rise in you except want. “As you can probably feel--” Sorbet’s lips brush your ear, teeth worrying at the earlobe so you moan aloud. “We’ve got the same kinda problem ourselves. Y’know.” His teeth flash, sharp, bright, and you imagine them coated in blood. “If y’wanna help out some.”

You don’t respond to him in words. Instead, you press your lips against his hard, and when he bites hard enough to draw forth blood you moan.

---

When everything is over and done with, you lay sweaty and panting in between both of your boyfriends – Sorbet’s front pressed protectively against your back, Gelato clinging to your waist as he tucks his head beneath your chin.

“Next time,” Gelato breathes, already looking ahead, as if you three did not just spend several hours tangled hot and heavy within each other, biting and moaning and groaning and making the entire basement smell like sex. “We should teach ‘em to fire a rifle. I think they’ve got potential.”

“Mm,” Sorbet says, very low, making his chest reverberate against your spine in a way that has you shivering. “I think you’re right.”

[fmsplrs]

Run Adam Run

So Adam wanted me to condense his running playlist to a tight 2 hours and he got this instead. Sorry!

Cypress Hill - (Rock) Superstar

Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

Monster Magnet - Space Lord

Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight

The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl

LCD Soundsystem - Movement

Melissa Etheridge - Come To My Window

Rage Against The Machine - No Shelter

Cake - The Distance

Drake - Energy

Deftones - Back To School (Mini Maggit)

Jadakiss - We Gonna Make It

Transplants - Diamonds And Guns

A-Ha - Take On Me

Bone Crusher - Never Scared

Roni Size - Brown Paper Bag

The Capitols - Cool Jerk

Fine Young Cannibals - Good Thing

Plastic Bertrand - Ca Plane Pour Moi

DJ Zinc - Super Sharp Shooter

Ratatat - Seventeen Years

Slim Thug - I Ain't Heard Of That

Spank Rock - Backyard Betty

Clipse - Wamp Wamp

Kanye West - On Sight

Jai Paul - Crush

Teedra Moses - Be Your Girl (Kaytranada Remix)

John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire (Man In Motion)

Jane Child - Don't Wanna Fall In Love

NWA - 100 Miles And Running

The Tubes - She's A Beauty

Blink 182 - Dammit

Robert Palmer - Simply Irresistable

Underworld - Push Upstairs

Big Boi - Kryptonite

The Go Team - Junior Kickstart

Journey - Any Way You Want It

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Who Loves You

Tommy Tutone - 867-5309 (Jenny)

DJ Sega - Bodies

Bad Boy Chiller Crew - Guns Up

Young Thug - Stoner

Mike & The Mechanics - All I Need Is A Miracle

Apache Indian - Boom Shack-A-Lak

DJ Sega - Dig

Three 6 Mafia - Stay Fly

Wiley - Wearin My Rolex

Redman - Timeforsumaksion

EMF - Unbelievable

Blessid Union Of Souls - Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)

Amazulu - Montego Bay

Paul Simon - Me & Julio Down By The Schoolyard

The Pointer Sisters - Neutron Dance

Neutral Milk Hotel - Holland, 1945

Ministry - Jesus Built My Hotrod

Bun B - Get Throwed

Calvin Harris & Ellie Goulding - I Need Your Love

The Egyptian Lover - Egypt Egypt

Kurupt.fm & Craig David - Summertime

Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance (Capnharry Remix)

Big Boi - Ghettomusick

DJ Class - I'm The Shit

Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat

Dungeon Family - Trans DF Express

Waka Flocka Flame - O Let's Do It (Remix)

Bachman Turner Overdrive - Takin Care Of Business

The Knife - Pass This On

Eddie Money - Two Tickets To Paradise

Sean Paul - Temperature

Kavinsky - Testarossa Autodrive

DJ Technics - Mr. Postman

Bad Boy Chiller Crew - 450

Kurupt.fm - Dreaming

The Cranberries - Dreams

Guided By Voices - Teenage FBI

MOP - Ante Up

Plastic Little - Get Close

Elvis Costello - Mystery Dance

A New Found Glory - My Friends Over You

Cutty Ranks - Limb By Limb (DJ SS Remix)

Seals & Crofts - Summer Breeze

The Chats - Smoko

DJ Fresh - Gold Dust (Shy FX Remix)

Weezer - Getchoo

Mark Ronson & Ghostface - Ooh Wee

Refused - New Noise

Future - Shit

Snap - The Power

Kanye West - Fade

George Clinton - Atomic Dog

The Chemical Brothers - Block Rockin Beats

JT Money - Who Dat

Beastie Boys - Time For Livin

Trick Daddy - I Pop

Kanye West - Jail

Pet Shop Boys - Opportunities (Let's Make Lots Of Money)

Elastica - Connection

The Weeknd - Take My Breath

Filter & The Crystal Method - (Can't You) Trip Like I Do

Soulfly - Bleed

Expose - Point Of No Return

Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love

SR-71 - Right Now

Sepultura - Roots Bloody Roots

Tom Petty - Don't Do Me Like That

Derek & The Dominos - Layla

Ice Cube & DMX - We Be Clubbin

Mr. Oizo - Cut Dick

The Diplomats - I Really Mean It

Busta Rhymes - Break Ya Neck

UK Apache & Shy FX - Original Nuttah

Lil Yachty - Flex Up

Cam'ron - Wet Wipes

Piebald - Just A Simple Plan

Busdriver - Imaginary Places

Outkast - BOB (Bombs Over Baghdad)

Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone

Fatboy Slim - The Rockafeller Skank

The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes

Slipknot - Spit It Out

Soul Glo - Gold Chain Punk

Dave - Thiago Silva

Chief Keef - Faneto

Steely Dan - Dirty Work

La Roux - In For The Kill (Skream Remix)

George Harrison - Got My Mind Set On You

Playboi Carti - New Tank

Beach House - Space Song

Three 6 Mafia - I Got

[brittle-doughie]

[Cannibal Run: Cake Shop AU]

WARNING: Cookie Cannibalism

Almond Cookie: “I don’t mean any offense to you or your establishment, but I’ve been receiving accounts on your business being involved with the handling of…cookie matter in food.”

You: “What? Pardon me for my words, but what on earth are you talking about? Cookie matter? What crazy mind would do that and have that potential hazard around other Cookies?!”

Almond Cookie: “It sounds extreme, but I’ve been receiving enough tips, I want to conduct an investigation.”

You: “No need, just ask one of my customers, they can surely explain it to you-“

Kumiho Cookie, stops in the middle of eating her cake: “GIVE ME YOUR LUNGS-“

You: “…..”

You: “On second thought, okay. I’ll let you inspect this place.”

You: “Follow me to the back, would you…?”

[seokiloquy]

Coffee Diet - Kozume Kenma

AU: Tokyo Ghoul 

Requested

Tags/Warnings: GN! Reader, Gore, some angst (Though both aren’t too heavy or graphic I think), probably a poor representation of the manga/anime cause I haven’t actually read/watched it all the way through despite wanting to

Word Count: 3.3k+

Kozume grunted. His kagune, the source of his inhuman power, made strikes at his cannibal attacker, forming a bone-like needle that stabbed down at the unknown ghoul. The concrete shattered like thick glass upon impact as the ghoul continued to dodge. 

Tokyo (especially its many outskirt neighbourhoods) had a ghoul problem. 

“You’re in the wrong territory if you think you can get away with that.”

The other ghoul only laughed, continuing his fast steps. The laugh itself was painful, scratchy and high pitched. It made Kozume wince.

The people of Kozume’s neighbourhood knew of the danger that lay waiting outside their doors, and thus an unspoken rule had been made among them. Don’t be outside past sunset. Those that did take a nightly venture typically were found mangled and half-eaten by morning. Broken bones peaking through bloodstained flesh, large bites taken out of their thighs, and torsos ripped open; delectable looking meal for a ghoul gone rouge. Kenma wouldn’t agree.

The dark alley that the ghoul had run into was walled off.

His opponent's black greasy hair hung over most of his face like a curtain, only letting a single black and red eye, and a sharp-toothed smirk poke through the strands. His hair swayed as he spun around.

“What does territory matter if there’s food to be had?” The ghoul screeched before his powered ghoul organ seeped out of his body and shot toward Kozume. It scratched his cheekbone, barely missing his eye, thankfully, but would take time to heal unlike any normal would.

Kozume hissed at the cut, willing his own kagune to slash at the ghoul who began climbing up the sides of the brick walls. The sharpened bone just missed the man’s food as he scurried over the ledge.

“See you later!”

The false blond stood there, yawning and rubbing his black and red eyes that were pinned to the building’s top. Heat from the rising sun began to warm his back. With the new light and extra heat, the tired ghoul raised his arms, stretching, as he took in his familiar surroundings. The port, or at least near it. Kozume stepped out of the alley to see the broken concrete that was left in his chase.

Another yawn escaped him before he tucked his hand in his red sweater’s pockets and walked the other way. He needed coffee.

Kuroo’s shop, as lovely of an atmosphere as it created, was in the middle of a garbage dump. It didn’t help that some of that outside aesthetic carried into the cafe itself. The bell pierced into Kozume’s ear canal as he opened the front door to the dingy sight. Stained counters, chipped porcelain, yellow lights that were so off-putting that they stayed off all the time. It’s always been dark and gloomy, until today.

“Welcome! Take a seat, I’ll be right with you.”

That’s new.

Kozume stood in the doorway, watching your form dance and sway behind the bar. He noticed the music playing, soft and completely unnatural for the cafe. Your uniform, definitely not assigned by Kuroo, was crisp and clean, black shirt sitting on your form nicely. It was modest and professional. Maybe not assigned, but definitely Kuroo’s style.

He watched as you placed a small cake at another regular’s table, patting the old man’s signature plaid jacket on the shoulder. Whatever you said made the man laugh and twirl his fork happily.

His golden eyes, now settled after his too-early walk from the destroyed park, were trained on you as he sidestepped over to his usual seat in the corner next to the window. He sat, and took his eyes off your bobbing head as you turned around. His brow furrowed. The table was clean. Kozume looked around the cafe, noticing the lack of dust and stains.

He didn’t see you drop off a cup of coffee at a table, or walk his way until you were right in front of him.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

He jumped in his seat, causing his bobbed hair to billow out for a moment. Oh no, the look in your eyes immediately told him that you could see his rosy cheeks. He coughed. “Black coffee, please.”

Your smile was perfect.

“Hey, Kenma!” An unlikely saviour with black spikey hair appeared from the doorway. Kuroo strode over and waved you down as he slid into the seat across from Kozume. “Ah you got a scratch,” he hissed, immediately putting pieces together in his head. His head turned your way. “Do you mind getting me a coffee too, (L/N)?”

Kozume’s eyes followed you as you placed your pen and notepad back into your pocket and walked toward the counter.

“(L/N)’s new, just started yesterday and all the regulars love the new energy already. So tell me, what happened?”

Kozume sighed, looking down at his hands. “More keep coming. One disappears and another shows up. I’m too tired for this.”

Despite his vague tone, Kuroo knew what Kozume was talking about and sighed immediately. He leaned back in his chair. “I’ll be able to help you out soon enough, (L/N) has gotten a good hand on things, but I don’t want to leave them alone in the shop too suddenly. You understand.”

Kozume did understand. You, the human behind the counter, were a breath of fresh air in the musty town. You didn’t know, you couldn’t have. The demeanour of someone in the know in this neighbourhood wasn’t that positive. He knew that he wouldn’t get any help until you knew of the cafe’s main purpose.

“Take your time, I can handle it for how.” Kozume yawned and gestured to his marred cheek. “This guy might be a pain to deal with though.”

Just as he finished speaking the TV that hung above his head began to rattle on about destruction occurring at their neighbourhood’s port.

Kuroo winced. “That’s a pain, all right.”

Two white cups of black coffee hit the table's surface. Kuroo thanked you as you stood straight and reached into your apron’s pocket. Next to Kozume’s mug, you placed a large band-aid as you ripped open a disinfectant wipe. “May I?” 

He nodded and let your fingers gently turn his chin in your direction. The wipe glided smoothly over his cheek but stung. He hissed and pulled his head back.

“Sorry, it’ll be over in a second, I’ll be quick. Can I finish?”

Kuroo stayed silent as he watched Kozume get cared for by his employee, only speaking when the barista left the younger ghoul’s side with a kind smile. “You’re blushing.”

“I will kick your ass,” Kozume sneered before lifting his mug up to his lips for a quick sip. “Why’d you hire a human anyway?”

Kuroo mirrored his friend’s actions and drank some of his well-brewed coffee. “They don’t hold any ill will toward Ghouls if that’s what you’re wondering, maybe a bit scared. But (L/N) is very kind.”

Kosume continued to yawn through their conversation, occasionally looking your way, only to immediately turn his head as soon as there was a chance of you catching his stare. He didn’t realize how long it went on until he heard your footsteps heading for the exit.

Kuroo twisted, resting his arm over the back of the chair to face you putting on your coat. “Walk home safe!”

“Will do!” Your smile glittered before you pushed the door open and walked through.

Kozume’s eyes continued to follow you through the glass until you turned out of sight. 

“Do they live far from here?” he asked Kuroo, questioning his warning.

Kuroo slapped his hand on the table twice, gathering the energy to rise to his feet. He grabbed the long since empty mugs, whose stray coffee had begun to dry on the sides. “Only a 5-minute walk. But (L/N) has to walk through alleyways to save time, and well, even during the day, you can’t be too concerned for one’s safety.”

“Ah, Kozume! Black coffee again? Would you like some food with that?”

Kozume’s stomach churned at the thought of putting something other than coffee into his system. “I’m alright, just the coffee is fine. Thanks.” Hands stuffed in his pockets, he walked to his corner. “And Kenma is fine.”

“Then, please, call me (Y/N).”

The cafe smelled cleaner than the weeks prior. Cleaning solution seems to sit right under Kozume’s nose and punch him every time he breathed. Taking his seat, he immediately noticed the lack of smudges on the window.

Kozume tried to give you a kind smile as you set his cup of coffee on the freshly cleaned table. He could feel heat crawl up his neck and settle underneath the skin of his cheeks. He gulped, readying himself to separate his lips and speak.

“You seem drained, has work been alright?” You beat him to the punch.

“Ah ya, work.” He didn’t have a job. “It’s been alright, just a bit draining because of the night shift. How has school been?”

Kuroo was quick to get you both well acquainted after your first meeting. He carried conversations until Kozume was willing enough to speak for himself. The blond was thankful for that, knowing that if he had been left alone by your side no familiarity would have been built.

“Oh, the usual. I have a few assignments to finish but nothing too overbearing. I did read an interesting article about social relations and hierarchy of ghouls in society. It was a bit depressing but educational.”

Kozume choked on his coffee, hunching over the table as he lifted a fist to his mouth. Just as the ragged coughs began to subside he felt your hand gently rub his back, sending him into another fit of coughs.

“What’s the assignment about?” he asked, settling down.

He noticed the concerned look on your face as you pulled napkins out of your pocket and set them on the table. “Ah well, I’m studying public health and humanities, and my prof told us to choose a disadvantaged group to write about. Yada yada, so on so forth. I chose ghouls.”

He gestured for you to sit with one hand, waving at Kuroo with the other as he wiped down the main counter. You smiled and took the seat across from him.

“You believe ghouls are disadvantaged?”

Your brow furrowed, pondering. “Well ya, in some ways. Maybe not in strength and power, but ghouls are rather hated in society don’t you think?”

Once again, while preparing to speak, he was cut off by the overhead TV switching audio. Listening to the graphic words coming out of the reporter's mouth, Kozume sighed and raised a hand to push against his temple.

The distressed look on your face made him pause. A pit grew in his stomach as your concerned face turned to Kuroo, who was calling you back to your station. You were quick to bring back your smile. “Enjoy the coffee, and rest when you can.”

Kozume returned your smile meekly but was focused on the grotesque details the reporter listed, unable to stop himself from imagining you, defenceless, in that sort of danger. He couldn’t stomach the coffee.

“(Y/N), I really don’t think I should leave you here alone after dark.”

You sighed, looking to your boss with an unimpressed smirk. Kuroo squinted, lips pursing as he watched your knowing smirk turn humorous. 

“Testu, don’t you have work to do at night? My walk home may be a lot safer, if you get to that, no?”

Kuroo cursed, punching the wooden counter with a dull bumping sound. He groaned. “How did you know?”

You laughed, shifting the position of your hands on the wooden poll and continuing to sweep the floor of the empty cafe. “I study! It may not be so obvious but don’t you think I’d pick up on you being a ghoul after a few weeks?”

“I mean maybe, but I was hoping you didn’t know!”

A light scoff shot off your tongue and through your teeth. “I would think you’d be relieved, now you don’t have to be so cautious around me.”

Kuroo picked up the washcloth he had been holding earlier off the counter and began to wipe the wooden surface down again. “No harm in caution. Even if you do know.”

“Ya, ya, just don’t show me a severed limb. I can’t do gore.”

Kuroo laughed and tossed the damp towel onto the edge of the metal sink. His arms shifted to his back to aunty the black apron around his waist. “Are you sure you’re okay here alone?”

The TV’s sound changed to the news’ intro tune as you grabbed the remote and turned it off. You gave the ghoul a warm smile. “I can handle it. Go go.”

The sun was already over the horizon by the time you were ready to leave. You stood on the inside of the door, punching in the pin code to the security lock. It beeped, giving you the warning to leave and lock the door. Once done, you pulled your sweater a little tighter on your shoulders and shoved your hands in the pockets.

You focused on the sound of your rubber souls stepping on the concrete and the occasional tick of a pebble getting kicked. Street lights flickered, or at least the ones that were working did. Walking upon a burnt out light, you took the marker to turn down the neighbouring alleyway.

Two steps in was all it took before you lifted the collar of your weather over your nose. The putrid smell wafted your way from the dumpster. “Ugh, it’s not garbage day tomorrow is it?” Setting closer towards the opposite wall, you help your breath and face forward. Until the burnt-out light flickered on.

You halted, head frozen forward as you looked out of the corner of your eye. Immediately your stomach churned and your throat began to pulse uncomfortably. 

First, you noticed the pool of dark red blood that was slowly growing, nearing your shoes. Then it was pieces of loose skin and grey hair, stained as they floated in their puddle. Your heart seized at the sight of a ragged plaid jacket that was recklessly torn. You searched higher.

A single red iris surrounded by a black gloss stared at your profile. The rest was obscured by pin-straight greasy hair except for a large, inhuman smirk that showed off shark-like teeth covered in blood.

You cautiously removed your hands from your pockets, watching the poorly dressed skeletal like figure’s hunch move up and down as he breathed.

One beat.

You saw his claw-like fingers hold the wrinkly hand of the severed arm like a possessed lover. Your foot shifted.

Two beats.

The ghoul’s head tilted, revealing a tube-like pound of pink flesh hanging from his fangs. You gulped.

Three beats.

You ran.

Pulse already off the hertz, you sprinted with all your might to the flickering light at the other end of the alley. A stupid move, but taking the time to turn around wasn’t an option. Each step sent a jolt into your stomach. Your footsteps were much louder than before, but your blood was drowning it out. The lamp was so much slower now.

You froze suddenly. Stopped by a tug on your arm. Vertigo suddenly hit and the lamp was pulled further away. Then you recalled the tug, and noticed the increased pulsing in your arm, then felt your sweater become sticky and heavy. You looked to the side and down.

Were bones supposed to stick out like that?

You hardly registered it’s presence before the spike-like bone was torn from your limb, sending you into another fit of screams.

The light at the end of the alley flickered again, before going completely dark. 

His heart raced, blood pumping through his ears like crazy.

“Calm down Kenma! You can’t go crazy like this!”

“I have every right! You heard that scream, didn’t you? It was (Y/N)!”

The blonde’s kagune went wild, thrashing about and nearly knocking Kuroo over in the process. Said ghoul didn’t flinch, only brushing away the agitated organ with a push of his own.

“I know, but you have to—”

He was off, launching into the air and onto the rooftops, following the smell of your spilt blood before Kuroo could finish his sentence. The black-haired man swore, quickly following suit.

The sight was expected, horrifying, but not surprising.

Whoever’s intestines were falling out of the ghoul’s mouth, Kozume couldn’t tell, but he wasn’t gonna let the ghoul he had been hunting get another chance to make a meal out of your body if he could help it.

“GET OFF!”

Something cracked as the long-haired ghoul’s body flew off yours, smashing against the brick wall of the alley. Kozumes sharp-pointed kagune pinned him through the stomach to the cracking brick. 

He only gave you a glance. The sight made his stomach churn as if he were trying to eat a regular meal. Torn skin, visible bone, and blood everywhere. He wanted to vomit.

Behind him he could hear Kuroo’s feet land in the massive pool of blood, making it splash slightly. Their clothes would have to be trashed later.

Kozume gritted his teeth. Despite his boiling rage at you being injured, he managed to hold off his brutal assault against the bloodied ghoul until he heard Kuroo zip away with you in his arms. 

Even in your current state, you’d be safer away from the scene.

“I don’t think (Y/N) is going to be able to work for a while.”

“Some of the regulars are spooked, but relieved.”

Whatever was holding your arm like a boa constrictor was making sleep really hard. You groaned. Why did your stomach hurt?

“Ah, look who’s up.” Kuroo’s voice was as teasing as always.

Your sight was blurry when you finally came to. The first thing you noticed was the aggressive pulsing in your arm and stomach followed by a warm hand on your shoulder. You tried to shift.

“Ah stupid, don’t do that.” Kozume’s voice, despite a slight rasp, was as gentle as ever.

You sighed and squinted towards Kuroo who stood at the end of — what you were quick to realize—  was your hospital bed. His arms were crossed and the smirk he wore was humorous. “Kuroo, if you say a single word, I will gladly risk further injury to fight you.”

Kenma shut his eyes and rubbed your shoulder before reaching for a hot mug from your bedside table. Kuroo walked around to the opposite side to help you sit up. You watch a thick red sweater fall off your shoulders and onto your lap, in front of your bandaged stomach.

Kenma spoke quietly, “Your sweater was torn to pieces.”

“Like my body?” you joked, only to get a sour look from the man in return. “Sorry.”

He sighed again and handed you the steaming mug. “Here, drink this. You need food.”

Kuroo walked back to the end of the bed, letting Kozume take care of you from then on.

“Coffee is considered a food now?”

Kuroo let out a short chuckle, making you tilt your brow in his direction. Kozume coughed, placing the mug down quickly to lift his red sweater off of your lap. He draped it back onto your chest, tucking it between your shoulders and pillow, then slowly guiding your arms through the sleeves. 

You rubbed your hands together for warmth as Kozume offered you the hot mug again. You took it, thanking him with a shining smile. You once again failed to notice the rosiness of his cheeks, even if Kuroo didn’t.

“You won’t be able to stomach anything else, sorry.”

Why did this take me so long to write…. Oh well. -Bacon

Posted: 14/02/2021

[bywordofaphrodite]

Book Reviews 1 & 2: The Enchanted Wood and Adventures of the Wishing Chair by Enid Blyton

This review’s theme is magical children’s fiction ! Audience age range: early childhood !

Fun fact about me: I have fairy tales running through my head most hours of the day.

Magical lands and whimsical characters run freely through my mind any minute I have to spare, or even the ones I don’t. It has always been this way for me, whether in school, university or at work- when I am meant to be working on assignments or attending to patients in the hospital I work at- and Enid Blyton’s stories played a part in this, so it seems fitting I discuss her writing for my first post.

When faced with choosing a project for myself this semester, it was actually the memory of Enid Blyton’s novels that prompted me to decide to write book reviews of childhood favourites. I’d forgotten her name at first, and all that remained was an illustration of blue jelly and a boy with silver hair… and the name of the artist who illustrated my copies of the series: Georgina Hargreaves. One google search was all it took to remember it all! Then I ordered all three Magic Faraway Tree books and the Wishing Chair ones in the exact editions I had as a child, because I have no impulse control whatsoever.

Nostalgic review

Rating: ★★★★★

For my nostalgic review- otherwise known as my thoughts on these novels purely as I remember them from childhood- I’m giving five stars. They meant everything to me as a kid, and I reread them more than any other books I owned. I would choose a chapter before bed and travel into the magic lands at the top of the tree along with the main characters, exploring whatever good, evil or downright silliness happened to be up there at the time (and then stay there for a good few hours past my bedtime using the light under my door to squint at the pages and destroy my already dreadful vision just a little more for good measure. Sleep schedule who?)

I easily favoured the Magic Faraway Tree books over the Wishing Chair ones, though I loved them both dearly. I’m going to assume the reason behind this was because I preferred the tree to the chair, as- aside from Jo- I don’t recall ever having an affinity for any particular child amongst the main characters. I do also remember a great deal more of the goings on in the lands above the tree than I can the adventures in the chair, so it seems fair to say I read one a lot more than the other.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, these books cemented who I wanted to be when I grew up: a writer- a published author, to be specific- and an artist. Not just these two series, but anything Blyton wrote- her teen detective and boarding school series being notable favourites of mine. As detrimental as this dream has been to my family’s wish for me to become a lawyer, I must insist that everyone blame Enid Blyton for this and not me!

The Enchanted Wood Review

Post-read: ★★★

Synopsis: three children move from the city to a small country house with a forest out the back which they later come to know as the Enchanted Wood. There they come across a giant magical tree known as the Faraway Tree, where they befriend the many magical creatures living inside the tree, and explore the lands that settle above the tree every day.

Okay so! First up, I finished it so quickly. I’ve always been a very fast reader but even so I expected it would take several hours to read… it took roughly an hour despite minor interruptions by my siblings, so it’s very simplistic and easy to read. However… this level of simplistic is not, in this case, a good thing, at least in my opinion. I’ll elaborate on this further toward the end of this post, but the best word I can think of to describe the writing is ‘stunted’.

I read a few articles to see others’ thoughts on the novels, and one review stood out as being critical in multiple ways, some of which I agree and some I don’t really care about. I’ll link it here.

This review reflected a lot of the same points I considered upon rereading the books. Charming points: google buns and the Land of Birthdays; weak points: repetitive and a bit too holier than thou in the attempt to teach ‘lessons’. In terms of Flood’s (the review author) criticism, the renaming of the children from Jo, Bessie and Fanny to Joe, Beth and Frannie in new copies does not really bother me, although my own editions have the original names (the change of the children’s cousin from Dick to Rick was a wise choice, though Rick is an ugly name as well, but I digress). As with many modern changes to old novels, older generations criticise ‘politically correct’ motives, and Flood does exactly so here- miffed at the decision to rename one of the recurring Faraway Tree villains from ‘Dame Slap’ to ‘Dame Snap’. Flood likens the character’s previous habit of slapping naughty children to the witch in Hansel and Gretel locking children in cages, (I would think the cannibal element of this tale would reinforce the comparison more but maybe that’s just me???) asking why, if that fairy-tale hasn’t been changed, should Dame Slap have to adhere to modern discipline? Personally I’m mostly unconcerned with this either way, though Flood makes an interesting point. The woman is a villain either way, so a little clip over the ears is likely to properly drive the point home in my opinion, anyway.

And before I move on from this review, Flood’s hot take on the Saucepan Man is 100% on the ball- why was a grown, non-magical man walking around strung up with pots and pans all over himself and hanging out with a group of children? To be sure, he was not in his right mind, so I’ll shift the question to the parents here, who were fully aware that their children were spending time in the woods with this man. Very odd business indeed.

Characters who aged well: Most of the main characters remained likable to me. Jo was always my favourite as a kid, and he remains so- his impatience provides some comedic quotes and he never leaves his younger sisters behind on adventures, unlike many male characters in Blyton’s novels (I am looking DIRECTLY at you, Famous Five boys). He also doesn’t belittle his sisters at any point, even when they’re frightened, which is another thing that irked me about many of Blyton’s male characters. Using only the first book of the series for this review means that it’s possible that Bessie and Fanny are more prominent characters in the other books, but in this one it felt very much centred around Jo than I remembered- they are likable but don’t really do too much aside from Fanny’s banger of a birthday party which I’m rather jealous of. Upon rereading I like Moonface a lot more, but that’s probably because I resented my grandmother calling me ‘Moonface’ (I’m aware I have a round face, I do not need to be reminded of my eternal struggles on the daily). Silky is still a queen in my eyes- pretty, feminine, funny, kind and best of all a fairy. No flaws at all, I love her. In retrospect, Silky is equally my favourite alongside Jo.

Characters who aged badly (to me): as aforementioned… the Saucepan Man. To be fair, I never cared for him in the first place, and the same goes for his best friend Mr. Watzisname because he was downright maddening. Also, Dame Washalot can drown in her own washing. She managed to annoy me more than Dame Slap… at least Dame Slap was entertaining.

Favourite scene/quote: “‘Fishing!’ said Jo, in disgust. ‘Who wants to go fishing in the middle of a birthday party? Let’s get back at once.’”

This quote sounds so mundane but in context I just find his tone very amusing- Jo is always exasperated and impatient so his perpetual annoyance with everyone’s nonsense is relatable and funny. Furthermore, he says this during my favourite scene in the final chapter where they all travel to the Land of Birthdays for Bessie’s birthday. Bessie invites everyone living in the Faraway Tree to her party, which is essentially formed up in the land above the tree. Upon arrival, everyone can go into a small house with fancy dress costumes and choose anything they like, and then choose a table in the middle of a field. The table is set with cutlery and plates, and from there you must ‘wish your own tea’, as Silky says, which fills the table with jellies, lemonade, chocolate blancmange and other party food. Best of all is the birthday cake- also known as wishing cake- which grants a wish to anyone who eats it. Unfortunately, the Saucepan Man’s poor hearing ends up turning ‘wish’ to ‘fish’, and Fanny has to waste her own wish to get them back to the party, hence Jo’s vexation. The ending is very sweet though, with Moonface gifting his wish to Fanny and all of them happily going home. It was a lovely way to end the first book in the series.

Adventures of the Wishing Chair Review

Post-read: ★★

Synopsis: two children discover a magical chair with wings in an antique shop that leads to a host of new adventures and a new pixie friend they rescue along the way.

Like I said earlier, I preferred the Faraway Tree series to the Wishing Chair and that remains the same. The concept of lands coming to the top of a tree- and choosing whether to go up there or not- is more my style, and if the weather is bad you can just stay home, while the chair you just have to go with it. The Faraway Tree itself is also really wonderful, with all the interesting houses and shops inside it, and especially Moonface’s slippery-slip. On the contrary, the main location for the Wishing Chair series is the children’s playing room, and the chair itself is an utter menace. The villains are more irritating in this series- which is their job, I get it- but the children themselves aren’t quite as likable as Jo, Bessie and Fanny either. Mollie and Peter argue plenty and can be very selfish and silly at times, which is realistic, sure, but that doesn’t make them any less meh. The other main character is a pixie called Chinky (yes, I’ll get to this soon) who they rescue from slavery in a giant’s castle, and my opinion on him varies between chapters. There are some really cool places they go to and the illustrations make reading this more enjoyable despite the hasty writing and relatively flat characters.

Characters who aged well: ???? I mean… Mollie and Peter aren’t exactly my favourite children ever but they’re not too bad. My main criticism would have to be that there isn’t really anything defining about their personalities; to a degree I would say they are just a whinier version of Jo, Bessie and Fanny. I don’t think Enid bothered too much about changing base character traits in her stories, to be honest. There are a few characters like Witch Snippit and the Windy Wizard who help Mollie and Peter when troubles arise, but as the adventures always begin with the chair in the children’s playroom there aren’t really many magical recurring characters to properly consider.

Characters who aged badly: the children’s MOTHER. She is beyond irritating in certain chapters- like when she decides to take the wishing chair to her own lounge room simply because she likes it, even though the children themselves bought it and expressed how much they love it. Plenty of parents do this in real life and it is just as annoying in fiction. Secondly, the wishing-chair. Magical chair that grows wings and can fly to magical lands is cool, yes? Sure, except when it has mood swings and randomly decides to fly through storms or simply land in the sea for no reason I can think of. This is a very petty chair… yet I know I would keep it anyway so I can’t complain too much. I’m going to add Chinky here too, and not because he got saddled with a slur for a name- he gets fired up about minor things way too quickly and causes drama for no good reason, though perhaps I should cut him some slack after his time spent in forced servitude. Also, he makes a few sexist comments to Mollie so maybe the giant had a point after all.

Favourite scene/quote: ‘One rabbit turned upside down and danced on its ears, and that made Peter laugh so much that he had to get out his handkerchief to wipe his tears of laughter away.’

Peter being this happy just made me happy. This quote is from my favourite scene, when the children fly with some elves to attend a magician’s party. There is no villain to be seen, and the room is filled with classic Blyton details of top tier food like cream buns and blancmange, and beautiful birds that sing sweetly before flying freely. The magician has dancing cats appear, and ‘six plump rabbits’ that dance while the cats play violin. Finally, the magician gifts everybody a tiny egg he tells them will hatch later. When they arrive home, Peter’s hatches to reveal a tiny silver watch and Mollie gets a necklace of beads that look ‘exactly like bubbles’. This always sounded so pretty to me, and I had a necklace from my mum that looked exactly as Mollie’s was described, so I’ve always remembered this scene very well.

Overall verdict:

I’m torn. I love parts of these books so much, I love the nostalgia surrounding them, and yet I must admit that without a childhood connection it would difficult for a new reader to enjoy, and probably not the first choice in a bed time story to read to children nowadays. I think for me, I like having these books back on my shelf again, and I like knowing I can go back to read my favourite chapters whenever I want, despite the criticisms I have. In a way, I like knowing I am capable of recognising the books’ faults while still appreciating the good parts of them. I do not regret buying these books again- in fact looking at the artwork and reading the words has inspired me to get to work on my own plan to write a book of fairy tales (with the representation I would’ve loved to see alongside the magic as a child, and minus the problematic details).

With this in mind:

- Blyton’s writing skills… are sorely lacking. Her sentences are stunted and sometimes she changes locations so hastily within one small paragraph that if you so much as skim over one sentence you’ll find yourself in another land entirely (haha). I am wholly aware these books are intended for children but I have read other novels for that age group that have been well-written, so my criticism stands.

- I should just rewrite the books myself. I don’t care if this sounds arrogant, I know I could make the stories more compelling with a few tweaks to, say, writing skills, story structure, making better use of the amazing concepts, fleshing out the characters more, etc. (again I’m aware they’re children’s books)

- Enid Blyton herself was not a very nice person, and her own daughter criticised her writing for being emotionally immature and seeing things as ‘black and white’. Anyone who has read her other novels knows that she was very racist- ‘gypsies’ managing to be the villain in most of her teen detective stories, amongst other issues, so Chinky the pixie is not exactly a surprise appearance. It was Chinky, in fact, who first alerted me to racial slurs. As someone with partially Asian heritage at an almost completely white school, it took me asking my (rightfully) concerned father what ‘chink’ meant when some kids started calling me by the word in school… I then connected this to Blyton’s pixie and to this day am morbidly entertained by this unfortunate memory. I’ll link the article here, in case of any further curiosity about Blyton.

In the Faraway Tree series review I linked earlier, the writer said of the books, ‘it’s an odd feeling, finding the classics of your childhood don’t really stack up’. In many ways, I feel the same. Is it all nostalgia, after all? Yes and no. Having such a balanced opinion on an old favourite is likely healthier than clinging to past memories, anyway. With all of these thoughts jumbling through my mind, it’s possible that my rating of these novels changes depending on my mood- and more importantly, which chapters I read. Perhaps the fact that my favourite chapters are all devoid of confrontation is something a therapist would suggest looking into, but you know what? It’s fiction. If I have to get my happy endings in books alone then so be it!

[atinyrabbit]

love/hate songs

Since 8tracks is messed up and playmoss is gonna disappear and Spotify doesn't have many songs, I’m posting some of my playlists here. This is a list of songs about love/hate relationships for pairings. Enemies to lovers, tsundere personalities, hero/villain couplings, opposites attract, loving someone you know you shouldn't. This list is several years old so the songs are older and kinda ‘scene.’

Major trigger warnings for the lyrics of these songs. Some songs have violent lyrics. This playlist romanticizes conflict.

Song list under read more:

Love to Hate You - Erasure Nicotine - Panic! at the Disco Don't Let It Go To Your Head - Fefe Dobson Your Love Will Kill Me - Daniel Lavoie Bruises and Bitemarks (Remix) - Good With Grenades October & April - The Rasmus feat. Anette Olzon Violator - Son of Rust Sick Amore - El Creepo Disgusting - Ke$ha Dangerous - Depeche Mode Oleander - Mother Mother Fear & Delight - The Correspondents Love is a Suicide - Natalia Kills Sex as a Weapon - Pat Benatar I'd Love To Kill You - Katie Melua Before I Ever Met You - Banks Rent - Pet Shop Boys Helpless When She Smiles - Backstreet Boys Holy - Zolita Strangelove - Depeche Mode I Won't Say (I'm In Love) - Susan Egan Can't Feel My Face - The Weeknd Only You - Ellie Goulding Devil Devil - Milck Livin' In A World Without You - The Rasmus  

Hate Love - Adelitas Way Suddenly - Peter Heppner Sick and Twisted Affair - My Darkest Days Radioactive Mirrors - Amazinglyjon Dangerous - Cascada Violence (Club Mix) - Grimes & i_o This Is Love - Air Traffic Controller Make Hate To Me - Citizen Soldier Gently Break It - Beck Pete Portrait of a Female - Cruel Youth This Could Be Love - Alkaline Trio Lie, Lie, Lie - Myra You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi I Only Wanna Be With You - Volbeat Maybe You're Not the Worst Thing Ever - Cast of Galavant I've Got You Under My Skin - Seether Human - Oh Land Le Bien Qui Fait Mal - Mozart, L'Opera Rock Can't Help Falling In Love [Light x Dark Remix] - feat. Brooke Tommee Profitt Fell For You - Green Day Stupid Grin - Dragonette Broken - Lauren Hoffman Take Me to Church - Hozier Super Psycho Love - Simon Curtis Whip - Mr.Kitty   Get You Off - Fefe Dobson Crazy Girl - Ke$ha Vice - POP ETC Cannibal - Silversun Pickups Rest in Peace - Original Cast of Buffy The Vampire Slayer Hem of Your Garment - Cake Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge Truth Or Dare - Marianas Trench We Sink - CHVRCHES Gingerbread Man - Melanie Martinez You Stupid Girl - Framing Hanley   Die For You - Red F*cking Boyfriend - The Bird & The Bee Mean - Nicole Dollanganger Must Be Crazy for Me - Melissa Etheridge That Girl - Alexz Johnson FMLYHM - Seether Bad Romance - Halestorm Aquarius - Within Temptation Flirt (With Me) - Zeromancer I'm With Stupid - Pet Shop Boys Stop This Song (Love Sick Melody) - Paramore Trying Not To Love You - Nickelback Kill for You - Zolita A Love Like War - All Time Low You Need Me - SWANS Hatef--k - The Bravery Bottled Affection - Cold War Kids True Love - ThouShaltNot Terrible Thing - Ag I Can't Decide - Scissor Sisters Exit Wounds - The Romanovs Gun - Chvrches Every Breath You Take - Chase Holfelder Whole Lotta Love - Smash Mouth Bloodsport - Sneaker Pimps XXX - Imran-C Bitter Rivals - Sleigh Bells Destruction Of Us - Mr.Kitty Teeth - 5 Seconds of Summer Love Me Dead - Ludo Paralyzed - The Used River - Bishop Briggs Neon - VERSA Sucker For Pain - Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons I'm Your Villain - Franz Ferdinand Beautiful Monster - Ne-Yo I Own You - Birgit Let Me Be Your Armor - ASSEMBLAGE 23 Perfect Enemy - t.A.T.u. Straight for the Knife - Sia One More Night - Maroon 5 I Hate You (Don't Leave Me) - Ke$ha The Moth - Aimee Mann Mad Love - The Veronicas Toxic (Acoustic Britney Spears Cover) - Johnny Goth Bad Intentions - Digital Daggers Shut Up - Nick Lachey Soldier - Bitter Ruin First Bad Habit - Vanessa Hudgens In The Darkness - Dead By Sunrise Tearin' Up My Heart - *NSYNC You'll Be Back - Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton & Jonathan Groff Crazy In A Good Way - VERIDIA Combat Baby - Metric In Bluebeard's Castle - Unwoman When Doves Cry - Prince State of Seduction - Digital Daggers Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert Broken Inside - Broken Iris Murder (feat. Minx, Chilled) - Boyinaband Why Do You Love Me - Charlotte Lawrence Follow You Home - Nickelback Love To See You Cry - Enrique Iglesias Impressed - Natalie Imbruglia Die For You - Megan McCauley Your Kind (Speak to Me) - Danger Radio Tyrant - The Bravery Violent Games - Polica Toxicated Love - NEO Nemeses (feat. John Roderick) - Jonathan Coulton Miserable - Lit Running From My Shadow - The Velvet Teaparty Barricade - Stars Trouble (Stripped) - Halsey Brutal Hearts - Bedouin Soundclash Desire - Meg Myers Sticks And Stones - The Pierces Just the Girl - The Click Five Himerus and Eros - The Spill Canvas Blood - In This Moment I'm Insane - Myah Marie Fiction (Dreams In Digital) - Orgy Whore - In This Moment Monster - Ryan Adames Foundations - Kate Nash Only When I Lose Myself - Depeche Mode Hatchet - Archive The Beginning of the Twist - The Futureheads Change - Deftones Trust Me - Marc Senter Love Me Hate Kiss Me Kill Me (Scndl Remix) - Fukkk Offf Big Bad Handsome Man - Imelda May The Mighty Fall - Fall Out Boy My Obsession - Cinema Bizarre Stitches - Orgy Miss Kiss Kiss Bang - Alex Swings Oscar Sings! Sweet Dreams - Beyonce Fuel To The Fire - The Maine Closer (Nine Inch Nails Cover) - Niki Barr Band Clueless - Orla Gartland Devil Woman - Cliff Richard Hatefuck - Motionless In White I Love You But I Don’t Like You - Molly Moore Overpower Thee - AUF dER MAUR Get Down On Your Knees And Tell Me You Love Me - All Time Low Post Blue - Placebo Genghis Khan - Miike Snow Poison - Alice Cooper I Know I'm A Wolf - Young Heretics Little Toy Gun - honeyhoney I Miss the Misery - Halestorm Dirty Sticky Floors (radio mix) - Dave Gahan Clarity - Zedd I Get A Kick Out Of You - Frank Sinatra I Hate Myself for Loving You - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts Die for You - Otherwise Labyrinth - Oomph! Black Black Heart - David Usher I Want to Destroy Something Beautiful - Josh Woodward I'm a Priest - Daniel Lavoie You Need Me - SWANS Afraid of the Dark - Phildel Virus - Ryan Adames I Wanna Be Your Dog (remix) - Emilie Simon Hello Goodbye - The Beatles Sarcasm (Album Version) - Get Scared Use Me - Hinder Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars Pretty When You Cry - VAST Tainted Love - Soft Cell Scream - Avenged Sevenfold Think About It - Danger Radio Gallery Piece - Of Montreal Bang Bang Bang Bang - Sohodolls Little Girls - Say Anything I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace Love Runs Out - OneRepublic Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins Hit Me Like a Man - The Pretty Reckless Bang Bang (feat. Adam Levine) - K'naan Hurts So Good - John Mellencamp Addicted - Kelly Clarkson Whiplash - FEMM Paralyzer - Finger Eleven Crime - Temposhark Misery Loves Company - Emilie Autumn It Was Good for You Too - Marian Call Price Of Company - The White Tie Affair Burn! - Kobra And The Lotus I Love My Lawyer - Ofelia K I Want Blood - empires (I Always Kill) The Things I Love (ft. The Real Tuesday Weld) - Claudia Brucken Misery (Cutmore Radio) - Maroon 5 Fire and Ice - Pat Benatar I Lust You - Neon Neon Pistol Whipped - Marilyn Manson Bitches Brew - Crosses A Formidable Marinade - Mikelangelo And The Black Sea Gentlemen Control - Puddle of Mudd Scary Love - Skye Sweetnam Loveyouhateyou - Sad Robot Untangle Me - Snow Ghosts A Little Taste - Skyler Stonestreet E.V.O.L - Marina and the Diamonds   (You're the) Devil in Disguise - Elvis Presley Shut Up & Kiss - Me Orianthi Cool for Chaos - Nostalghia Oyeme - Enrique Iglesias I Hate You - Sick Puppies GirlShapedLoveDrug - Gomez You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk - Pet Shop Boys Need You Like A Drug - Zeromancer Werewolf - Cat Power Bathwater - No Doubt Bad Dog - Neon Hitch Guns And Horses - Ellie Goulding Rev 22-20 - Puscifer Won't You Please Be Nice - Nellie McKay The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails Until The Day I Die - Story of the Year Womanizer - Britney Spears Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations I Think I Love You David Cassidy Stalkers - Mindless Self Indulgence   Kill Me Every Time - Blue Stahli Preface - FKA twigs Every You Every Me - Placebo Want - Disturbed Spit It Out - IAMX Destroy Me - Mr Kitty My Sweet Prince - Placebo Psycho - Imelda May Monster - Meg Myers Figured You Out - Nickelback Suffocated Love - Tricky Satisfy Me One More Time - Frank Sinatra This Love - Maroon 5 Miss Jackson (feat. Lolo) - Panic! At The Disco Fire and Ice - Pat Benatar Every Other Time Lyte - Funky Ones How Do You Love Someone - Ashley Tisdale Poison - Gin Wigmore Bitter and Sick - One Two The Outsider - Marina & the Diamonds True Love (feat Lily Rose Cooper) - Pink Bad Boy - Cascada Irresistible - Temposhark Painkiller - The Queenstons Born to Die / Russian Roulette - Amazinglyjon Like Sugar - Matchbox Twenty Mad About You - Hooverphonic Stupify - Disturbed Problems - Mother Mother What Is Love - Haddaway Animal - The Cab Marionette - Antonia I Hate You But I Love You - Russian Red Carve A Name - Mother Mother Criminal - Britney Spears Danger - Hilary Duff Fell in Love w/an Android - Simon Curtis Demon Lover - Róisín Murphy Always - Saliva Too Close - Alex Clare Little of Your Time - Maroon 5 Sex and Violence - Scissor Sisters Electric Storm - Delta Goodrem Black widow - Susanne Sundfør Dangerous Kind - Rasmus You've Really Got a Hold on Me - The Miracles Over and Over - Three Days Grace Devour - Marilyn Manson Nature of Inviting - IAMX The Odd Couple - Weezer Hurt Me Harder - Zolita Terrible Love - The National Mad Love - Jojo Boomerang - Reliant K Bad News - Sleeper Agent I Was An Island (EP Version) - Allison Weiss Rock Bottom - Hailee Steinfeld You’re the One That I Want - Lo Fang Poison - Rita Ora Kill For You - Skylar Grey ft Eminem Wouldn't Be Love - Ritual Hate Me - Nico Collins Irresistible - Fall Out Boy I Love You... I'll Kill You - Enigma

[itsclydebitches]

Imagine an AU where: 

It’s post-Armawasn’t, Crowley and Aziraphale are bopping around London when they both suddenly feel a surge of demonic and angelic energy. For a few minutes they’re legit fearing for their lives until they round a corner to find Gabriel and Beelzebub messily* sucking face

*They haven’t quite figured out how everything works with these squishy bodies yet

Cue absolute rage on Crowley’s part. Armageddon aside, everyone knows damn well they were targeted for being friends and now here their bosses are, climbing each other like forbidden apple trees and moaning loud enough to scare off alley cats. They tried to burn Aziraphale and now here they are acting like a couple of love-sick mortal teens? The absolute HYPOCRISY

Crowley’s about to go in swinging with a bat he conjured up when Aziraphale beats him to it. He calmly---but with an air that makes both lord and archangel still---approaches and announces that yes, they saw them. Yes, Aziraphale has photographic proof (he shakes the ancient Nokia that he’d used slyly on the fly and Crowley is suitably impressed). From here on out if you ever approach us with anything other than an apology we will send these to both God and Satan themselves

Zira-Just-Enough-Of-A-Bastard-To-Be-Worth-Knowing-Fell just accomplished his first blackmail and Crowley has never been more turned on in his life

(Aziraphale also has a sneaking suspicion that God would enjoy this development immensely, but Satan is a legitimate threat. He just lost his son to a human father. Learning that one of his primary lords is snogging an archangel on Earth would not go over well)

There’s a moment where Beelzebub and Gabriel just plan to finally kill them, but Crowley comes up behind Aziraphale with some not-so-subtle hints about his past. You’re gonna fight me? A former Seraphim? The demon who stopped time while Satan himself was crawling out of the crust of the Earth? You’re gonna take me on AND this pissed-off Principality? 

(Aziraphale doesn’t look very pissed off, but somehow his politely folded hands are a lot scarier than the bat Crowley’s still holding) 

So they back off, agreeing to leave their friendship be if Crowley and Aziraphale keep their own secret. Everyone parts ways wary

Except that Earth is the only safe-ish place for an angel and demon to consort and for SOME REASON these two idiots refuse to go anywhere except London. Specifically Soho. So Aziraphale and Crowley keep running into them in the worst ways possible

And after a while they realize that this is... not good. Because they’ve had thousands of years to both learn secrecy (badly implemented though it was) and develop a respectful relationship. Gabriel and Beelzebub have none of that. They’re either going to get themselves caught in a record amount of time or break things off because neither of them have been respectful in their goddamn lives. Crowley definitely spotted them man-handling each other one afternoon and not in the ‘Ooh kinky’ kind of way. Getting caught will make things worse for everyone involved. Breaking up means loss of their blackmail material 

Cue a repeat of the drunk scene where Crowley and Aziraphale get absolutely wasted in an effort to come up with a solution (they do their best thinking while drunk). Crowley has been binging Disney films the last few days and with mind swimming in alcohol he hits on the answer: fairy godmothers. We need to teach these idiots how to date properly---Wait. Do we know how to date?---and set up situations where good romantic shit happens, like the godmother did for Cinderella 

Thus Operation Devil’s & Angel’s Food Cake commences (Aziraphale came up with the name). They shake on it

For the next couple of months Crowley and Aziraphale go out of their way to keep these two fools together by whatever means necessary. Crowley takes Beelzebub shopping to impress Gabriel with their new fashion sense. Aziraphale tells Gabriel that he’s heard some human societies eat flies, which Beelzebub will either view as a delicacy or horrifying cannibalism---a win-win either way. Both of them are dropping miracles left and right that they hope their respective offices don’t look too closely at. There are long powerpoints about consent and agency and Only Being a Dick in a Fun Way. Somewhere along the line they actually get their apology and it’s suitably awkward

Of course, neither of them actually know what the hell they’re doing

What they do know is that they’re fighting for their friendship... while also each desperately wanting more. Each time they pull off a semi-successful date there’s a pang of, “I wish I could do this with Crowley/Aziraphale”... but the other wouldn’t want that. Certainly not. It’s been 6,000 years! You think I don’t know what they’re interested in at this point? It’s impossible and I won’t think about it a moment longer... 

Halfway through they explain everything to Anathema, Newt, and the Them. “I’m sorry, your plan is what exactly?” “Well, dear, it’s admittedly all a bit complicated. Rather hard to explain, really. Why it’s almost---” “Angel if you end that sentence with ‘ineffable’ you’re dead to me.” What she finally manages to get out of all this is that they’re two love-sick idiots trying to help two other love-sick idiots and honestly there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to help her through this

Oddly enough though, it all manages to work out :) 

[baddadjokez]

514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.​I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.​Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.​Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!​I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.​What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.​How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.​I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.​Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.​I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.​My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.​Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.​How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.​What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.​Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.​What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.​What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.​Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.​Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.​What do you call a french pig? Porque.​What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.​Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.​How do trees access the internet? They log on.​Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.​Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.​The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.​I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.​I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.​I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.​Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.​I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.​Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.​Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.​I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.​The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.​What does a house wear? A dress.​Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.​I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.​Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.​Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.​What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.​A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.​What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!​What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.​At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!​An untalented gymast walks into a bar.​Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.​I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.​My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.​Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.​Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?​Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.​Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.​The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.​Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.​My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.​Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.​Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.​Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.​Models of dragons are not to scale.​Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.​Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.​Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.​A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.​I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.​People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.​Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.​I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.​I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.​What do you call a young musician? A minor.​Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.​If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?​I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.​Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.​I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.​I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.​I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.​I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.​Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.​What do you mean June is over? Julying.​Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.​These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.​The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.​Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.​Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.​A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!​I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.​The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.​My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.​I, for one, like Roman numerals.​How do mountains see? They peak.​The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.​This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!​Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.​I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.​The earth's rotation really makes my day.​If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?​Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.​Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.​What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.​I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.​After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.​Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.​A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.​I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.​He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.​Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.​Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.​If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.​I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.​A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.​The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.​Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.​If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?​I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.​Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.​I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.​The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.​The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor​I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.​The display of still-life art was not at all moving!​On Halloween October is nearly Octover.​Pig puns are so boaring.​Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.​What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.​What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.​How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.​Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.​What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.​One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."​How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.​When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.​When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.​If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"​Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.​If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.​Can February March? No, but April May.​I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.​What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.​The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.​So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!​Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.​A backwards poem writes inverse.​Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.​I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.​The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.​Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.​There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.​I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.​Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.​The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.​Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!​When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.​Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.​The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.​Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.​I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.​What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.​Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.​When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.​Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.​Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.​You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!​Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!​I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.​Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!​What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!​Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.​The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.​A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.​The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.​All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.​Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.​Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.​I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.​The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.​The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.​Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.​That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.​Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.​Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.​People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.​I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.​What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.​What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!​Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.​Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!​I really look up to my tall friends.​I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.​Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.​It takes guts to make a sausage.​Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!​What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!​How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it​What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!​Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!​What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!​Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!​What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?​Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!​What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!​What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!​What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells​Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!​What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!​Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!​Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!​What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!​What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!​How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!​What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!​What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!​How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!​Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!​What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!​Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.​What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!​What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!​Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!​What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!​What letter is always wet? The C!​How do you throw a space party? You planet.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​Nope. Unintended.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​The broom swept the nation away.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”​Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.​What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

[brittle-doughie]

AU List

[Note: Notable fics/posts will be listed, the rest can be searched through the tags!]

———————————————————————

[Cannibal Run: Cake Shop]

#cannibal run cake shop

Bake It Till’ You Make It!

Bake It Till’ You Make It: Tasty Delights

The Dessert Report (Ancient Cookies)

Chrysanthemum Cookie

———————————————————————

[The Lone Giant]

#cookie run the lone giant au

The Lone Giant

Rejoice (St. Pastry Order)

———————————————————————

[The Ancient Beast Order]

#the ancient beast order au

The Ancient Beast Order (Ancient Beasts AU)

They Have Names?

Lead to Corruption

———————————————————————

[Virtue of Compassion]

#virtue of compassion au

#virtue of scorn

Tale of the Forced Hand

Ship Names (lol)

Beast Stars (The Five Virtues/Beasts)