#canada day pregnancy crack?

[hush-writes-preg]

Little Canadian boy with the red and white tight panties, fishnet crotchless stockings and maple leaf nipple stickers and with a bottle of maple syrup prepared on Canada day so he can celebrate the day with you even if you dont

🤣

Hells, why not. I'll break out the Timmy's and a big ol' blanket with a moose on it, and we'll see how far that maple syrup will go-- long into a night lit by the northern lights and filled with his cries of "O Canada!"

[celestialseawitch-ff]

the tea

Okay, so here's the tea. It started over four years ago -- a lie, it's being going on as long as I can remember but this is the recent stuff -- when my middle sister came back to Canada for a visit. It was during covid, which she actively didn't care about and all of us were very strict and tense about it (because majority of the immediately family is high risk). She orchestrated a fight between her and I so that she could leave the house and stay downtown instead, because her friends offered and they don't believe in covid. So she could go there and do what she wanted instead of being on lockdown with us.

My oldest sister is heavily pregnant and high risk at the time so she only agrees to see our middle sister in a somewhat open setting (the garage with the door cracked -- it's Canada in winter so it's fucking frigid and this was the best we could do). It takes place the day before middle sis is due to fly back to Europe -- she spent majority of her vacation in the city rather than with the family and blames us. I've been telling oldest sis all of this and she comes in already annoyed about how middle sis is treating us like shit -- she told my grandparents such extreme lies about how we were treating her that they cried -- and so middle and oldest sis get into a HUGE fight.

The two duke it out until oldest sis rushes out and they proceed to not talk for about a year and a half. Oldest sis gave birth to her first child and celebrated the life of that child for one whole year before middle sis deigned to speak to her again. (This was all AFTER middle sis fully admitted to my parents that she wanted to start a fight that day in the garage and then turned around and pretended like she was a victim and older sis was a monster. Oldest sis reached out multiple times but middle sis ignored her and said she wasn't ready to talk. So they didn't talk for a year and a half.)

Baby's first birthday rolls around and middle sis is planning to come to visit again in January. She makes an announcement to the group family chat that she's coming in and is planning to see baby for his birthday. Oldest sis is like ??? -- so she reached out and is like "if you want this to happen, we need to be civil" // so they start talking and it does happen. They go for a walk and middle sis meets her nephew that she ignored for a year.

Things are civil following this. For the most part? During that summer, I went to Europe to see middle sis and it resulted in what I can only describe as the most traumatic experience of my life. If anyone asks, I'll make a separate post because it's an ENTIRE story.

In September-ish, oldest sis gets pregnant again. Around October (Canadian Thanksgiving), I get a call from middle sis. This is VERY unusual. The two of us video chat briefly and middle sis tells me she's pregnant with her first. Both sisters are pregnant. Middle sister does not know that oldest sister is pregnant because oldest sister is not going to tell her. In her words, it is her worst nightmare to share her pregnancy with middle sister and to be forced to answer questions and be "buddy buddy" about it and honestly? I get it. Middle sister is a raging narcissist and extremely toxic. I also wouldn't want to share a pregnancy with her.

So, someone spills the news that oldest sister is pregnant too and due around the same time. Middle sister is enraged. She and oldest sis have a HUGE fight over text and they do not speak for another... two years? About two years now. Oldest sis has reached out once or twice and eventually stopped when middle sis flat out told her that she didn't want to be a part of oldest sis' life and that was the end of it. Oldest sis wasn't allowed to be involved anymore. Which is wild to me, because middle sis is the one who tends to start fights and manipulate people around her?

Last November she decided to come visit with the baby. She had it planned out months in advance and I didn't know about it. She never told me. I reached out and asked why and she responded with a "I didn't think you'd care to know." Because apparently I don't put enough effort into this relationship. I'm the one who calls. I'm the one who texts. I put in every fucking drop of effort into this relationship and get NOTHING in return and it's not fucking good enough.

Everyone was pushing me to see her anyways -- even after her telling me I'm not doing enough and I clearly don't care and I need to try harder -- and so I do it and it was tense and awkward. And now, November is rolling around again and GUESS WHO'S COMING BACK FOR A VISIT.

DING DING DING -- it's Satan.

And guess who, once again, didn't do enough for the relationship to warrant being told she's coming in? DING DING DING. It's me. This time, I haven't reached out. I'm not going to. We haven't spoken in a year now. I stopped reaching out after I saw her last. I decided there wasn't a reason to do all the work when I got nothing in return. It's BS. so now we haven't spoken at all because middle sis doesn't think she needs to reach out to anyone, they should do all the work so she can reap the rewards.

And now. TODAY. My father informs the group chat that middle sis is expecting again.

Like. What? Why did you tell us that? Why did we need this information? Oldest sis and I are actively not talking to her. She has not reached out to see us -- a lie, she reached out to see oldest sis but not me because I'm not worth the effort -- and you decide to put this information before us as if this is information we want? Why? WHY?

Anyway. That's the tea. That's my family drama.

[coochiequeens]

She "needs" a surrogate because she couldn't deal with "not being in control of my body". Oh and she wants another woman to do this for free because Canada doesn't allow commercial surrogacy.

https://www.stratfordbeaconherald.com/news/local-news/searching-for-a-surrogate-inside-a-stratford-couples-journey-to-have-a-child

SEARCHING FOR A SURROGATE: Inside a Stratford couple's journey to have a child

Stratford couple Brittany Henry and Matt McGill continue their journey to have a child.

BY Cory Smith Published Oct 04, 2024  

Stratford's Brittany Henry and Mitchell's Matt McGill have gone public in their search for a surrogate after Henry was diagnosed with tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth. (Submitted)

October 17, 2020, should have been the best day of Brittany Henry’s life.

The Stratford woman, already a stepmother to her husband’s teenage boys, always wanted to raise her own child, and the positive home pregnancy test that fall day almost four years ago was confirmation it was happening.

“The minute I found out, I wanted it out of me right away,” she said.

Henry, now 36, felt physically and emotionally trapped. She was unable to sleep, work or even socialize. Counselling sessions and conversations with her family doctor didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts that came from having another organism growing inside her body.

“I hate not being in control of my body,” she said. “It was awful.”

She later learned she suffered from tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth that affects from two to 15 per cent of women, according to studies. Henry’s emotional façade finally cracked before Christmas in 2021 when she had a “huge meltdown” while cleaning her home’s basement with husband Matt McGill.

Suffering tremendous mental misery, Henry made the difficult decision to end her pregnancy after seven weeks and pursue motherhood through alternative means.

There was relief but also sadness. Henry was mad she couldn’t carry the baby to term.

Stratford’s Brittany Henry and Mitchell’s Matt McGill have gone public in their search for a surrogate after Henry was diagnosed with tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth. (Submitted)

The decision was made to pursue a surrogate.

“I don’t want to live with regret not knowing what it would be like to be a mom to my own child,” she said.

The couple visited a fertility doctor and educated themselves on the long and thorough process.

Henry, a hairstylist for 16 years, joked with clients that surrogacy was the only way she would have her own child. Many women said they wanted to help, but one client in particular – a mother of four in her late 20s who was also a friend – seemed the most serious.

After months of counselling, tests and legal hurdles, the first round of in-vitro fertilization, which involves retrieving eggs and sperm from the couple, fertilizing them in a lab and implanting them in another woman, resulted in a pregnancy this past spring after two failed transfers.

Everything was going well through the first six weeks. There was even a strong heartbeat.

But, just like Henry’s own pregnancy, it ended in July at the seven-week mark.

“How much more good can I do in this world to deserve to get what I deserve?” Henry wonders. “I just feel like I do so much for everyone and everything, and why do I keep getting shit on? I went through all of this and was so proud of myself, and we were so close, and then it was just gone again. It’s awful.

“We’ll never know what went wrong.”

The loss was also crushing for the surrogate, who relinquished her role after doing everything she could to help the couple.

“It was taxing on her, too, with four kids at home and trying to juggle that, but we were thankful,” McGill, 43, said.

Brittany Henry and Matt McGill with an ultrasound of their child that was conceived this past spring through a surrogate. There was a miscarriage in July after seven weeks. (Submitted)

The experience changed Henry, who knew many of her clients were dealing with infertility. Listening was easier than sharing, and she often suffered in silence.

The surrogate search quietly continued, but appointments started interfering with her job. It was time for Henry to come clean.

“I talk to people for a living,” she said. “Everything was just building up, and I was done.

“You feel like you have to be so quiet about everything, and so many people are going through this that nobody knows, and it’s just normal. I don’t like that.”

Henry went public with the couple’s plight. A social media post last week detailing their journey elicited an “overwhelming” response. Many people reached out, including strangers from around the world in similar situations.

“It’s a crazy thing to go through,” she said. “It’s not normal, but a lot of people are going to have to do this.

“I have this desire to want to make a change. I want to help.”

Now she’s asking for the same.

Years of anguish, a remortgaged home and $30,000 later, Henry and McGill are back where they started. They’ve joined Facebook groups that connect couples with surrogates, but the numbers aren’t in their favour given one in six Canadians experiences infertility, according to 2023 data from the Canadian Fertility and Andrology Society.

Canadian surrogates don’t get paid, unlike those in the United States, which further limits potential candidates.

Several prerequisites need to be met. The surrogate must be between 21 and 45 with at least one biological child, though exceptions can be made. They need to be physically healthy and mentally stable with no criminal background, and then approved by a doctor and counsellor.

Beyond that, Henry and McGill want a surrogate who is local and someone they’re comfortable with. They want a surrogate as committed as the couple who met at work and started dating in 2013 before getting married four years later.

“We just knew,” Henry said. “Once we started dating, it was just easy.”

Henry and McGill have recently connected with two potential surrogates, but there are no guarantees. Henry is scheduled for more egg retrieval in January, and she figures the earliest they could attempt another transfer is April, assuming everything goes their way.

Until then, there’s more lawyers, more counselling, more tests and more money.

But there’s also hope, which can be hard for someone who carries the guilt of not going through her own pregnancy and often wishes she was born without a uterus.

“You just hope for the best,” Henry said. “Life goes on no matter what. We’ve been through so much that you have to keep wanting it. The desire to be a mom is still very much there. I know how long this journey is, but I’m excited to jump right in. You think of the end goal. Everyone said it’s so magical when the baby is handed to you, and you keep thinking of that. If I don’t get that, or try, in this lifetime, I know I’ll live with regrets.”

[justforbooks]

Lynne Reid Banks, who has died aged 94, hit a jackpot with her first book, The L-Shaped Room (1960), the story of an unmarried middle-class girl, Jane Graham, who takes a dingy room in London to hide her unwanted pregnancy. The novel was a cracking read that caught the cusp of a momentous change in social attitudes. Its profile rose even higher when it became a film in 1962, with Leslie Caron playing its heroine. It sold in its millions and never went out of print.

This success was both a blessing and curse for Reid Banks. In the decades that followed, she published nine further novels (two of them sequels to The L-Shaped Room), two award-winning volumes of biographical fiction on the lives of the Brontës, two books about Israel and numerous books for younger readers. But nothing she wrote ever matched the acclaim for The L-Shaped Room.

Reid Banks was a dramatic and dynamic woman who lived her life with gusto. If the slights of the literary world sometimes hurt her, they never quenched the energy and passion she brought to her work. Stories flowed effortlessly from her pen, characterised by lively dialogue, well-crafted plots and compulsive readability.

The Indian in the Cupboard (1980), a children’s book she wrote for and dedicated to her youngest son, Omri, came closest to her first success, in sales, translation into 20 languages and transformation into a Hollywood film in 1995. That pleased her. But in the same year, she expressed outrage that her longstanding publishers had turned down her latest adult novel. She nevertheless found another publisher and received considerable praise for Fair Exchange (1998), a book she dedicated to her friend Norma Kitson, whose remarkable struggle against apartheid in South Africa infuses its story.

Lynne was born in Barnes, London, the only child of a Scottish doctor, James Reid Banks, and an Irish actor, Muriel (nee Marsh, who went by the stage name Muriel Alexander), and began her education at a Catholic boarding school. At the start of the second world war, aged 10, she travelled with her mother and a cousin to Canada, which she thoroughly enjoyed. On her return to London, she went to Rada, and thence began acting in provincial rep, like the heroine of The L-Shaped Room.

It was during this period that she met and enraged the young John Osborne, whose first wife, the actor Pamela Lane, was her close friend. Osborne’s letters revealed not only his dislike of her, but the probability that she inspired one of the main characters in his own first success, Look Back in Anger.

A combative streak in Reid Banks got her into spats all her life. But she was no less forthright in her judgments of herself than of others. She did not hesitate to call herself a failed actress, failed playwright (of several plays) and failed television reporter, before her true career took off.

In the doldrums, she began writing freelance journalism, and when she went to interview the head of the embryonic ITN for the Radio Times, she also talked him into employing her. She thereby became one of the first two female reporters on television in 1955. This did not satisfy her for long, however, as (she claimed) they only gave her “the rubbish” to do. When she complained, they put her into a cubbyhole and set her to work writing scripts.

Bored stiff, she began using ITN’s stationery supplies and time to start work on her first novel. She later recalled how the newsreader Reginald Bosanquet would read a page off her typewriter in mocking amusement. But the laugh was on Reggie when the Evening Standard later ran the headline: “ITN girl sells film script for £25,000.” The real sum for The L-Shaped Room was £20,000, but that was still princely in those days.

She was not happy with the film, which changed the book’s story. It was a hit, but it took her 30 years to forgive the director, Bryan Forbes. It also infuriated her that people assumed she had written of single motherhood from personal experience, rather than imagination. Although on the crest of a wave of fame, money and success, Reid Banks left the country and did not return for a decade.

She had met the man whom in 1965 she was to marry, the Israeli sculptor Chaim Stephenson, while he was visiting Britain. She was not Jewish, but she went out to Israel and loved it, becoming an Israeli citizen. The couple lived on a kibbutz near the Sea of Galilee, and their three sons were born there.

It surprised but delighted her, soon after her arrival in Israel, to be asked to leave her hot, tiring work in the vineyards to teach English to a class of children. She threw herself into this new occupation with zeal, relishing the chance to use her acting skills, and achieved outstanding results.

But as the years went by, she missed Britain, and in the early 1970s she came back, the family settling uncomfortably at first in the London suburbs, but later living happily in a farmhouse in Beaminster, Dorset, and later still settling in Shepperton in Surrey. Her output of books for children continued (she produced many sequels and series), and she travelled, gardened and wrote for newspapers.

Chaim died in 2016. Reid Banks is survived by her sons, Adiel, Gillon and Omri, and her grandchildren, Daniel, David and Paloma.

🔔 Lynne Reid Banks, writer, born 31 July 1929; died 4 April 2024

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[bratbarzal]

On Your Side (NH13) / Chapter Six

Pairing: Nico Hischier x Fem!OC Poppy Jensen*

*I say it's an OC, it's just a name and third person POV. I use minor character descriptions because I don’t get on with writing vague reader inserts/YN for long-form, story heavy fics, but I will generally try to avoid including race and body type or really any physical descriptors. I’m always open to feedback on my writing, or how to be more inclusive.

WC: 15k

Chapter Warnings: believe it or not there's fluff in here. very very cute scenes I have to say. but obviously encompassed by angst. a fluff sandwich with angsty bread if you will. and the butter is nico's continuous pining. luke being the ultimate girls girl, wise beyond his years god bless him, the rest of the boys being soft, Nico's family being endearing, and then here we go!!! mentions of vomiting and food aversion, mentions of pregnancy & early pregnancy symptoms, I want to say there's mentions of drowning I remember thinking of the imagery and I can't remember how detailed I went with it sorry! it isn't actual drowning just like a metaphor of sorts. mentions of the birth control patch if you've ever had it you KNOW that needs a full trigger warning whoever came up with that deserves jail it's hell it's horror!! and mentions of poor parental relationships.

Series Masterlist

Previous Part (Chapter Five)

A/N: potentially fun fact the last scene in this chapter is maybe the second thing I ever wrote for this fic!! like as a concept/idea it was one of the earliest scenes in my head and it's one of my faves!! I've been dying to get to this part to flesh it out and figure out how to build to it and I'm really happy with how it turned out!! writing for families of real people is such an odd concept but I really like the differences in their parents lmao it's fun to write and compare the dynamics obviously it goes without saying I do not know these people lmao

I know the last chapter broke a couple hearts so I'll leave you guys to crack on! as always, never proofread, and as always, would love to hear your thoughts and opinions!!! all the love in my heart to anyone who messaged me this last week on anon or not or private or whatever it may be I appreciate you so much yous have been so so kind to me and it means the world 💖

Nico

If anyone were to ever ask Nico what his favourite trait of Poppy’s is, he knows for a fact he would not be able to narrow it down. She’s a culmination of all things good, has been from the day he met her, and even the things he shouldn’t like about her, he loves.

He shouldn’t like that she’s sarcastic, quick-witted - scarily so - and sometimes says things before she has the chance to properly think about them or any problems they may cause her. He remembers his first couple of years in Jersey, when he was one of the more junior players on the team, still considered new to the country and the culture, and a lot of people had underestimated how familiar he was speaking English despite his years playing in Canada and growing up learning multiple languages. They would often default to explaining things like he wouldn’t understand, like common terms or jokes told amongst a group - and he, being too polite to correct them, had always ended up feeling like an idiot for it. 

There had been one instance prepping for a media day, where he had only met Poppy once a week or so before, and she had been prepping him to be on camera, clipping his mic pack and checking the settings. 

One of the other media staff, a guy called Liam who was in his second year where Poppy was in her first and had been the one she had to initially shadow, had cracked some misogynistic joke to her about how she was messing around with controls she didn’t understand just to be able to stand closer to Nico, as if he wasn’t right there or couldn’t hear him - and then when he had seen Nico’s furrowed brow and downturned lips, had assumed he didn’t understand the joke because he hadn’t laughed.

“It’s because she thinks you’re hot!” The guy had obnoxiously enunciated every word, capturing the attention of some of the more senior assistants in the room who had rolled their eyes just as hard as Nico had.

“He’s from Europe, Liam, not Jupiter. You don’t have to speak to him like he’s some alien.” Poppy had shook her head, caring so little about the fact that Liam had seniority over her, fitting the pack into Nico’s back pocket without him even feeling it, “He understands your slimy little jokes, he just doesn’t find you funny. Nobody does.”

Nico shouldn’t have liked her speaking on his behalf as much as he did, coming to his defence with her sharp tongue and cold glare, but no one had ever picked up on how uncomfortable that kind of thing made him before. The stupid jokes and the belittling tone Liam had used toward him. Poppy saw through both.

And all of her good is even better.

Poppy is positive. He has never seen her leave a room without having caused at least one smile or laugh. She’s someone he’s seen most of the guys perk up around, seek her out for help or even mundane conversation just to lighten the load, and he knows he’ll never be able to keep track of all the times he’s gone to her for a pick me up over the years.

She’s generous. Generous with her time when it comes to her friends, always making sure to maintain plans even when she’s at her busiest. When it comes to her work, staying late to help out a colleague or finish a project so it isn’t left to the last minute. With her knowledge and experience, always there for new members of staff or additions to the team to show them all her favourite spots in the area and get them up to speed with their role.

She is patient - waits around for him when he gets stuck doing media, or held behind to see the physio, and she never complains. She’ll never watch an episode of a show they start together without him, despite the fact his schedule doesn’t often allow for him to stay up late catching up, and she doesn’t moan when she gets spoiled if it’s something that comes out weekly and ends up being a hot topic in the office, doesn’t even spoil it for him out of spite. She even pauses the tv as soon as she notices he’s fallen asleep, and she’ll busy herself doing something else until she feels like he’s rested enough to drive home. 

And, above all, she’s forgiving. If someone were to push for an answer, and they were to have done so before this whole mess happened, he probably would have said that was his favourite thing. It’s like her superpower - to be able to understand things from a different perspective without judgement or a major confrontation. It’s like her default process is to give people grace and make things easy, even if they aren’t entirely deserving of that way out.

She had done so with Nico, that night up on the roof. He hadn’t deserved her leniency, not entirely. He had expected he would have to grovel and beg, and he had been more than willing to do so, but she had wanted to avoid further heartache for the both of them, and had decided to move on. 

And sure, she hadn’t technically forgiven him at that point for the way he had treated her, not properly, but she had put him on the path to redemption, and had made it clear what was expected to make it all the way there.

She’d gone easy on him, in spite of how much he had hurt her. She’d been patient with his reasoning, generous with her time, and had done so with an affectionate glint in her eyes that even now makes his heart warm to think about.

It’s the same glint she’d had when she’d come out of that elevator and had seen him by her door. He’d watched her take him in, eyes cast over him in a concerned assessment, and he knew then that no matter what he said, no matter how he explained what had led him to leave her that morning without a word, she would have forgiven him.

She would have found some way to rationalise what he had done, and put how it made her feel to the side in the name of moving on.

And he had seen his life flash before his eyes. 

Nights of coming home to her, muscles weak, brain fogged, and she’d give him that same look and accept what little he had to offer her. She’d be patient, she’d be forgiving. She wouldn’t get mad that he didn’t have time to take her on dates or trips, wouldn’t bite back when he got snappy after a couple of successive losses and let his frustrations come between them, would resign herself to those little parts of him she’d get to herself in the summer, when he wasn’t training or travelling or trying to fit everyone else in, and would swallow down the longing for something more because she loved him. 

And he couldn’t subject her to that, no matter how much she tried to fight him on it, or tried to call him out. 

No matter how much he wanted to be better for her, how much he wanted her to change his mind, the one quality he loved so much was going to be their demise, and so he had relied on it to cling on to the one thing he can give her.

Friendship.

Even if she won’t accept it for a while. Even if she wants to tell him to leave, and to ignore his texts, and his calls, and his efforts to bump into her at work, she has to forgive him. It’s who she is. 

She’ll forgive him and they can be friends.

Eventually.

And so with the weight of her bracelet in his pocket the whole walk home that night, Nico had decided that he could take a leaf out of Poppy’s book. 

He could be patient while she came to terms with what he had done. He could be generous with the space she needed. He could be positive and push down the bubbling doubt that she’ll forgive him at all.

—

Space happens to be the one thing Nico struggles with the most when it comes to Poppy. Especially conceptualised in the way that it has become - because he can’t physically give her space, they work in the same building. They share the same friends, they end up in the same rooms, and his resolve is as weak as ever where she is concerned, especially when she’s so close, so his generosity ends up being the trait that wains first.

He will give it to himself, he has been trying. He hasn’t been texting her as much as he wants to, understanding that bombarding her with begging and pleading is not only pathetic, but could also be considered harassment. And that will do him no favours in trying to earn back her favour.

But the other night he had been up on the roof after a long day, the air cold but the evening nice, and as he looked out across the Hudson, he had remembered how Poppy had once said her favourite time of the day, and her favourite thing about where she lives, was getting to see the sunset. 

On the early winter evenings, when she’d not long gotten home from work, she liked looking out her window and basking in what she had called cotton candy skies. Swirls of pinks and greyish purples behind the rows of skyscrapers on the other side of the river, all of which reflected the lowering sun in a glimmering, golden glow. He had taken a picture and sent it straight over with the thought that she might be missing it, and he just wanted to let her know. 

Even avoiding him, even wanting space, he was hoping she would at least appreciate that.

The sentiment attached to the picture had read, Just in case you don’t catch this yourself. And as he periodically checked his phone for the rest of the night, he had realised she had probably turned her read receipts off.

At least she hadn’t blocked him.

Nico had, however, started to get creative when it came to work.

Unable to stifle the need to check up on her, or to make sure something happened to brighten her day, he had taken to recruiting the rest of the guys to help.

He should have known how easy it would be, his first enlistment being Jack, who he knew would visit Poppy often, anyway. Only, now he did so with a drink in hand. Peach iced tea if his trip to her office was anytime after lunch, and a hot chai with oat milk if it was before. Nico had initially suggested snacks, but Jack had ended up eating them, himself, which turned out to be useful when it came to bribing him for information.

According to Jack, she was doing okay. Cracking jokes, rolling her eyes at the stupid nicknames he would come up with, and overall she seemed like her normal self. No signs of insurmountable heartache - not Jack’s words, but his own deduction.

He had been surprised at the lack of questions from him, but Jack knows when not to push something, so maybe he had decided to go easy on Nico for now.

Timo had been making sure she was breaking for lunch, checking in every few days so it wasn’t obvious.

John and Bass had taken to calling dumb jokes out to her every time they saw her in the halls, just to make her crack.

Curtis and Dougie had signed themselves up for the mentoring sessions she had been chasing them for since the season had started.

She had been fine with everyone - she smiled, she laughed, she joked, she engaged in conversation - and it was like nothing had happened.

Only, when Nico had felt brave enough to attempt even just eye contact, she wouldn’t even look at him.

No matter how many of the guys reported back that she was doing fine, he could see it every time he looked at her. 

He could see it even when he wasn’t looking at her - that teary, pleading frown she had given him as she had tried to take his hand, the resigned acceptance he had seen when she’d monotonously told him that they had made a mistake, assuming she was mirroring his own sentiments, the tremble in her lip as she had waited for him to leave with her head down at the door.

He thinks about it more often than is healthy, in situations where his focus should really be elsewhere.

Like in the gym, arms shaking as he attempts to lift more than he has in a while, and Jonas who is spotting him has to intervene before he ends up getting crushed.

Like in training, adrenaline pumping as his mind races all over the place, weaving around the defensemen and making sloppy attempts to swipe the puck until he finds himself on the weaker side of a nasty check by Luke that he can’t even argue was unwarranted.

Or in important debriefs in the small team auditorium, where one of their associate coaches, Travis, is going over team strategy before they travel to play the Canes, and he really should be absorbing all the information for such a crucial game - the potential to build on their current 2 game winning streak theirs for the taking - but all he can think about is the looming distance between him and Poppy.

They’re going down to Tampa after, and then head straight into the All Stars break. He isn’t going to see her for almost 2 weeks. Isn’t going to be able to send anyone to check up on her - not without rousing suspicion at least.

He thinks having Bratter knock on her door at home might ring alarm bells.

The distracted glance Nico casts towards the creaking door of the auditorium as it opens is instinctual and fleeting, but all his senses go into high alert when he sees who comes through it. 

The guys have been right, for the most part.

She does look okay.

She looks put together - probably more than he has looked the last two weeks without her, having barely shaved and punishing himself with a borderline dangerous lack of rest - her smart casual attire is neat and co-ordinated, a buttoned up red cardigan and long, dark trousers, her hair up in a ponytail that sways with her movement, and the only indicator that she has any sort of discomfort is the slight purse of her lips where he can tell she’s chewing at the corner.

Travis has become background noise - whatever he’s saying Nico is sure he can catch up on another time - and all he can focus on is the way she watches the coach with genuine interest.

Poppy is the kind of person that gives anyone the time of day - makes them feel like whatever it is they’re saying is the most important thing in the world, and he yearns for a day where her attentions are directed his way again. 

“And Poppy is here from the Youth Foundation,” Her name is one way to get his focus back, Nico’s eyes having not left her figure since she snuck in, leaning beside the door with a binder in hand. He follows as she descends the few stairs to the bottom and moves beside Travis, holding the binder to her chest as she smiles to the rest of the guys. “They have a favour to ask of anyone with some free time that you’re willing to give in your week off, she’s more likely to convince any of you than I am so I’ll just hand straight over.”

“Thank you, Mr Green,” she flicks the binder open, and Nico finds himself holding his breath in anticipation of her looking up and accidentally meeting his eyes, even for a second. “I know you guys are well overdue some time off, and we’d never usually ask so close to the fact, but we have a clinic out in Garfield on the 29th, we’ve donated a bunch of equipment and have some money to donate for the programme they have, and we were supposed to have Patrik Elias out to present it to the kids up there but he’s been held back in Czechia and won’t make it.”

Nico fights the urge to do something stupid like shoot up and volunteer straight away - if not for the fact that he’s supposed to be giving her space and shouldn’t force himself into her good graces, then for the fact his parents will be back in town by then, and he has plans throughout the week with them. Him looking desperate is the least of his concerns.

“If any of you are gonna be around, it would just be for the afternoon, a couple pictures and maybe some skating with the kids. There’s also one of those huge fancy cheques if you’re into showboating,” she tries to sell it, and earns a few affectionate snickers, but Nico knows these guys - while they’re generous people, and he loves them all, and knows they all love her, they’re exhausted, and have been waiting too long for a week of reprieve. 

He kicks at the shin of whoever happens to be sat closest to him. Holtzy. Perfect. He knows he was planning to stay in Jersey. It earns him a glare, but it captures his attention enough so that Nico can level him with a stern look back. 

“If anyone wants to do it, just swing by my office-,”

“I’ll do it,” Alex raises his hand after rolling his eyes and acquiescing to his captain, faking a smile Poppy’s way.

“Oh,” she doesn’t mask the surprise on her face, her lips parting in shock and eyes rounding in disbelief. She looks to Travis who just gives an approving nod in response. 

And, only because he snickers in amusement, Nico kicks Dawson, too. He hasn’t sent him Poppy’s way yet, he’s overdue his turn, and it’s his own fault for laughing at Holtzy’s misfortune. 

“Me too,” Dawson sighs, raising his hand as well and kicking back at Alex when he laughs in turn at him. 

“That was easier than I thought, thank you guys, the kids will be over the moon with the two of you!”

Nico wishes he was the recipient of the smile she gives the both of them. It’s the biggest smile he’s seen her wear in recent weeks, and he can see the light reflect in sparkles in her eyes from all the way across the room. 

That should hold him off for a bit - that little bit of warmth she gives. And sure, it isn’t directed his way, but he can settle with the fact that he’s technically the cause of it. Maybe when he’s down in Raleigh or Tampa he’ll see that smile instead of the other look etched into his recent memory.

“That’s all I’ve got, I’ll leave you guys to your meeting, thanks again!”

He watches her the whole way out, until the door swings closed behind her retreating figure, and his mind races with a surge of misplaced adrenaline for the rest of the debrief.

That’s most of the guys checked off his list, now.

Dawson and Alex are going to help her out with the hockey clinic, John and Nate have been making their way through the worlds worst dad jokes for the past two weeks to relay back to her, Jack is on drink duties, Timo on lunch, Curtis and Brendan are hopefully slowly thawing the ice with cute pictures of their kids. Jonas, Dougie, Haula, Dawsy, Pally - majority of the team have been recruited on his mission to keep her spirits up. Those who haven’t yet had a task are more than willing to play along.

All except one.

His attention drifts over to a mop of curly hair a few rows down, slumped in his seat with his arms crossed over his chest, and though he can’t see his face from where he’s sat, Nico imagines it bears the same angered frown it had when he’d checked him on the ice, earlier. 

Luke is pissed, even as distracted as Nico has been lately, that much is obvious, and he needs to get him on side if he has a chance of ever fixing things with Poppy.

He had underestimated their relationship, when he’d given it some thought, before. When they had been talking about Poppy that one time on the flight back from the Capitals game, and Luke had suggested she had deeper feelings than Nico had ever previously considered.

He had assumed because he’s never seen them together much, that they weren’t as close as Poppy and Jack seem to be, but he knows now he was wrong. 

Luke can be reserved to most, cast in the ever present shadow of his older brothers and held to unfair standards, but he is quietly observant, Nico has noticed, and he clearly sees more of Poppy than he lets on.

He knows Luke is protective over her, that he cares more than he’ll probably ever say.

He hadn’t overshared something she wouldn’t have been comfortable with when they’d had that initial conversation about him and Poppy pretending not to be into each other. He had told Nico to talk to her, had called him out on suppressing his feelings for her and pushed him to take action.

And when he had encountered Nico with Talia in the elevator back in their apartment building, he had been disappointed. 

Jack had been awkward, and evasive, but Luke had a clenched jaw and a purposely avoidant gaze. 

He thinks he gets it.

Luke had encouraged Nico to pursue Poppy, and in his pursuit, Nico had ended up hurting her.

As much as he definitely blames his captain, Luke also blames himself, and Nico of all people knows how frustrating that can be. 

When Travis calls time on the meeting, and the group disperse, Nico rushes down the steps as the boys flood out of the room and catches up to Luke with hastened steps.

“I need to talk to you,” Nico falls in line beside him, a hand clapped authoritatively on his upper back to guide him off his path and toward the locker rooms.

“Can it wait? I’m hungry,” Luke huffs, trying to resist the rerouting but falling victim to one of Nico’s infamous glares.

“Don’t make me pull rank,” he sighs as he yanks the heavy door open, his free hand gesturing for him to enter while the one on his back gives a light shove, “In.”

“Look, I’m sorry for the check earlier, it was a dick move, I didn’t mean it,” Luke starts as Nico follows him into the otherwise empty room, closing the door behind him and gesturing for Luke to take a seat.

“Come on, Luke, I’m not an idiot,” Nico scoffs, “You’re pissed at me. You have been since you saw me with Talia back in our building, but you’ve got the wrong idea,”

“Your personal life is none of my business,” Luke says like it’s something he’s been taught, something he’s rehearsed, and there isn’t a doubt in Nico’s mind that he and Poppy have been the topic of conversation in the Hughes household since the day he had run into them, maybe even before. Jack has been avoiding the topic like he’d never seen it happen, giving Nico a breather where he had initially thought he would call him out - but it’s becoming increasingly clear that Luke is the actual confrontational one of the two of them.

“If you have something to say to me, I’d rather you just come out with it than check me in a practice game, Hughes.” Nico sighs, leaning against the door to block Luke’s path out and staring him down until he relents. He has never thought he would be thankful for someone checking him before, especially not in a practice game, but the minor hit has given him the perfect opportunity to clear the air.

“Fine. I don’t like how you treated Poppy,” he says, plainly, “She’s supposed to be your friend, you don’t do that to someone you care about.”

“Carry on.” Nico thinks a part of him is urging Luke to argue because Poppy won’t, and he needs to have someone he can vent to - even if it’s someone who won’t side with him. He probably prefers it that way, ever the glutton for punishment.

“If you didn’t like her the same way, you shouldn’t have led her on, she deserves better than that.”

“I agree.”

“And she-,” his eyes narrow, “You agree?”

“I didn’t break things off because I don’t like her the same way, I did it because I do,”

“I hope you understand how stupid that sounds.” Luke rolls his eyes as he throws himself into his cubby, running a hand through his curls in frustration.

“I know it might not make sense, but I’m trying to do what’s right. She deserves someone who can give her one hundred percent of themselves, who isn’t away all the time and isn’t constantly stressed out of their mind or too tired to function.” He finds himself relaying Talia’s exact sentiments, and the memory of that particular conversation makes his stomach churn. 

“I care about her too much to end up being the guy who can’t make her happy. I know you of all people understand that to some extent, Luke.” It’s one of the few flaws of making it to the elite level of their sport - the lack of balance between their career and their personal entanglements. They’ve both spent their lives wanting nothing but to win and succeed, and it’s always going to be difficult to come to terms with, but the cold, hard truth is that they can’t have everything without paying the price for it. Something will have to give, and it would be an injustice for that something to be Poppy. “It wouldn’t be fair to her to start something that I can’t put my all into. So, I agree, she deserves better.”

“You know what else she deserves, Nico?” Luke stands from his point on the bench, the inch between them seeming more than it really is when he’s dishing out home truths like punches to the gut. “She deserves to make her own decisions. She deserves for you to be honest with her and not let your ego get in the way of what she might want.”

There it is again. Luke letting on that he knows something he doesn’t about Poppy. Unease spreads throughout his every nerve ending.

He’s always been the one who knows Poppy. Who understands her. Who gets how she thinks and grasps how she feels. 

Luke might think he does, but he doesn’t. Not like Nico.

Nico, who can’t quite fathom how he’s ended up being schooled on how to treat a woman by a 20 year old. By Luke. 

“It isn’t ego,” he mutters in denial, but it’s no use. Luke is scarily prompt to retort - especially when it comes to defending Poppy, Nico knows by now. It would be endearing if it didn’t frustrate him to no end.

“Really? ‘Cause it sounds to me like you’re so afraid to fail with her that you won’t even try.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.” He knows again that’s a pathetic excuse. Poppy had called him out on it, herself. But surely the hurt now is nothing in comparison to the hurt that could be. 

The hurt that comes with the demise of an actual relationship. Of building and building and building something, putting in years of tiresome efforts only for it to be demolished just as the final brick is laid. Of the ever-growing love between the two of them wilting into something sad and lifeless.

He can take the silent treatment. He can take the avoidance.

He won’t be able to handle that.

“How’s that going for you?” 

Luke isn’t trying to be mean, he knows that, but it doesn’t lessen the sharpness of his words - the truth digging into the most sensitive parts of Nico’s skin so deep that he feels like he’s bleeding out.

Nico sits down himself, no longer blocking the exit and allowing for Luke to leave of his own accord - only, the younger boy sits beside him, heaving out a prologued sigh and giving his captain a friendly pat on his leg. 

“Just give her time, she’ll come around, and then the two of you can talk. And when you do, you owe it to her to be open about what you both want. If you can promise me you won’t do anything else to hurt her, I’ll promise you to stop checking you in practice.”

“Sounds fair,” Nico agrees, mustering up a weak smile to give to the younger defensemen before Luke stands up. “Sorry for cornering you.”

“You’re fine, I was being an idiot.” Luke shrugs, making his way over to the door, and only because he clearly can’t help himself, he stops before leaving. “You see how easy that was to admit?”

Nico usually has better aim, and he blames Luke’s speedy departure for the way the pad he throws hits the wall with a soft whack.

Frustration is a feeling Nico doesn’t think he has ever been as familiar with as he has been lately. 

He’s frustrated as a player - the team unable to keep a winning streak to save their lives, having lost both of their games on the road last week and the mentality of the locker room dwindling with every week that passes that they don’t keep their momentum going.

Frustrated as a captain, specifically for the teammates they keep dropping to injury. Jack, Timo, Eric, Pally all dipping in and out with scratches, the roster dwindling with every passing game.

Frustrated as a friend, guilt building every time he thinks about Jack becoming more reserved in the days leading up to the All Star break, his shoulder putting him out of contention to play and the team having to send Jesper as their representative in his place. 

And, it goes without saying, frustrated when it comes to Poppy - who he had hoped would be in attendance when he had elected himself to take Jesper’s place at the signing and Q&A session he had scheduled at the end of the week. When he had come all the way out to the Rock and sought her out in the Foundation offices after volunteering, he had found out she had been off sick since that day in the auditorium, so his frustrations had crescendoed to an all time high. 

Even his parents being back in town hasn’t helped - his mother more observant than he likes to think, and she has been pecking away at any attempts of a cool exterior with more questions than he thinks he’s going to be on the receiving end of at this Q&A.

Nico has never been one to complain about any kind of community event, but the thought of having to spend all day plastering on a fake smile and pretending he isn’t at his boiling point is proving to be difficult.

So, when Jessica, the media admin who had been debriefing him on what was going to be posted on the team socials, had finally finished and had left to liaise with one of her colleagues, he had sent his mother, Katja, away to grab him a drink before the signing started. 

He just needs a moment of quiet. Where he can self-level the anxiety that is currently crushing him like a bug, take some deep breaths, and mentally prepare for the overwhelming social interactions he is about to endure. 

He wishes Poppy could be there.

He had tried texting her, just to check on her, but again, she hadn’t replied, and the thoughts have been swirling into something ugly within him the longer he has gone not knowing where or how she is.

Is she actually even sick, or is this just another attempt to stay out of his way?

The breathing clearly isn’t working, he thinks. Maybe walking might help.

Or maybe walking straight into the front of the girl who is the cause of all his frustrations might help.

As soon as he sees her, he feels guilt prick at his nerves like continuous, thick needles pushing into the flesh.

When he thinks back on the weeks before, he doesn’t entirely know if he had wanted her to look worse for wear, but as he takes her in now, he realises he hadn’t.

This is the furthest thing from what he had wanted for her.

Poppy stands before him a paler version of herself - eyes sunken, lips chapped, a slight sheen to her forehead that has caused the baby hairs around there to curl up and stick to her skin. 

Her boss Elaine had said she was sick and he had selfishly spiralled into the assumption it was just another attempt to avoid any contact him, but now his chest feels heavy with a mixture of shame and worry.

She takes a moment too long to gather herself after their initial collision, and his words feel heavy in his mouth as he asks, “Are you okay?”

“What are you doing here?” Her voice is hoarse, and the way she blinks up at him is slow and fatigued. 

“What are you doing here? You don’t look like you should be working.”

“I’m fine.” She definitely doesn’t sound fine. “Where’s Jesper?

“Bratter went to Toronto to take Jack’s place in the All Stars, they didn’t tell you?” It hadn’t been a last minute decision, so he isn’t sure how she wouldn’t know already.

“Oh,” she frowns, and if he wasn’t so worried, he’d find it cute how she looks like she’s trying to recall a memory where that information had been relayed to her. “Yeah, I think they did. They didn’t tell me who’s replacing him, though.”

“That would be me.” He doesn’t point out that it should be obvious.

“That seems like overkill.” There’s a hint of familiarity that he feels at the quip, and Nico doesn’t know if she’s trying to crack a joke or trying to be rude - he doesn’t care, either way. When he notices her squinting against the light, he subtly shifts until she’s no longer facing it directly.

“I volunteered.” He admits, and he watches as realisation sinks in. He volunteered just to be near her, and if she calls him out on it, he’s in no fit state to deny it. Of course he did, she has barely spoken to him in almost 4 weeks, and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s losing his mind a little. “I was hoping we could talk after,”

“Nico,” she sighs, touching her palm to her temple and seemingly applying pressure, pinching her eyes shut as she tries to breathe through a wave of what looks like disorientation, “I really can’t deal with this today,”

“I miss you, Poppy,” he hums, and he knows it’s an asshole move, to take advantage of the current situation, of her being sick and having lowered her defences, but he knows he’ll regret it if he doesn’t take the opportunity to touch her. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, strokes a thumb softly at her cheek, and tries not to think too much about the way she seems to lean into it. “I’m worried about you.”

“You’re supposed to be giving me space.” She sounds defeated, and there’s a selfish part of him that hopes she is - that she is relenting to his advances and giving in - but he knows Poppy too well to assume it’s going to be that easy.

He doesn’t even like to think about how much he has hurt her. When images of that evening flash through his memory - when he closes his eyes and sees her teary ones looking back at him, can hear how she’d fought for him to listen, to figure things out together - his chest aches in a way he doesn’t think it has before. It’s relentless, and excruciating, and he hasn’t yet found a coping mechanism that gets rid of it.

Except for seeing her. When he sees her, it lessens. When he hears her laugh from around a corner, or spots her in the halls at The Rock, talking with her co-workers or perusing one of the vending machines, he can pretend he’s okay. He can pretend that they’re just not talking because they’re both busy - not because he monumentally messed everything up with her.

And now, talking directly to her, touching her, seeing her up close - despite the difference in her usually bright complexion - he can convince himself of the same. Things are okay. They’re okay.

“I also said I still wanted to be friends.” He tries, his hand still cupping the side of her face before she shakes him off.

“Except that we’re only friends when it suits you.” She accuses with a frown, a little energy seeming to flood back into her system. “And when it doesn’t, you just toss me off to the side like I mean nothing to you.”

“That’s not true, I-,”

“I really don’t feel well enough to be having this conversation right now.”

“Then when? Every time I see you, you can’t get away fast enough. We work together, we have to see each other, you can’t avoid me forever.” He knows he doesn’t deserve to rush her. He knows he has no right to be making any kind of demands, and that the situation they’re in is entirely his doing, but he can’t help himself.

He’s frustrated.

He’s desperate. 

He had thought he could give her the patience she deserves - the space she needs - but it has been proving immensely difficult, and he just wants her back.

In whatever capacity she’s willing to offer, he’ll take it - as long as her eyes meet his for longer than a second at a time and he gets to be on the receiving end of one of her heart-stopping smiles, he’ll take it.

Even if they can’t be what they were. If the texts cease, the dinners together stop, the drives home from the Rock aren’t on the table anymore - he just wants to know there’s still love between them. That when she looks at him she doesn’t only feel the crippling hurt he fears he has caused her.

“You had no problem shutting me out the last time,” she scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling up at him, “It should be like second nature for you to ignore me again.”

“That isn’t fair, it’s not the same-,”

“Poppy!” 

Nico has always loved the way his mother is enamoured by Poppy.

The first time they had met, she’d been besotted with her. It had been during Poppy’s first year with the team - his parents had come out quite late in the season, late enough that he hadn’t seen them in a while since the summer, and he was anticipating their arrival with child-like excitement. 

Their flight into Newark had been delayed, and with them coming out on a game day, he was shut in the locker room by the time they had arrived, and he had asked Poppy for his biggest favour yet in the course of their friendship.

She had agreed to it no questions asked, no favour held over him in return, and she had pretty much hosted the two of them from their arrival at the Prudential Center to when the arena had emptied.

When Nico had reunited with his parents in the family lounge, Poppy had still been with them, waiting until she saw them off into their son’s company before leaving them alone, and he had never been more grateful to someone in his life.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he had apologised as he embraced his father, a firm clap coming down on his back as his arms wrapped around him, and he had smiled at Poppy over his shoulder. “Did you guys enjoy the game?”

“Of course we did, we had the best company in all of New Jersey,” his mother had her own arm around his best friend, Poppy’s cheeks flushing as she smiled bashfully back at him. 

Nico had kissed his mom on the cheek and had given her a side hug with the arm not around Poppy before he moved his attention to his friend.

“Thank you for looking after them,” he beamed at her, wrapping his arms around her once his mother had released and giving her a little squeeze. “I owe you,”

“That’s alright. Your dad got a little rowdy in the second period, but other than that they weren’t too much trouble,” Poppy had shrugged, a mischievous smirk cast toward his father who gave a humoured scoff in return.

“You were yelling louder than me, Poppy,” he remarked, his accent thick and his tone fond. “Katja tell him.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Nico chuckled, shaking his head toward his mom as she opened her mouth ready to pick a side, “I believe him, she gets creative when it comes to calling out the refs, I’ve heard it before.”

“Sorry for being passionate about my team,” she had pouted, “I’ll just sit in silence while you all get high-sticked to holy heaven next time.”

Nico had felt warmth wash all over him when he heard his dad’s loud cackle of a laugh - the kind he gave over family game nights when Nina outsmarted both her brothers, and they would turn to their father for some kind of defence, the kind of laughter filled with familiarity and affection - and had seen his mother’s crinkling eyes and dimpled smile.

“Do you need a ride home?” He had asked, swallowing down the attraction that was spiralling within him before it was too obvious to ignore. They had rode in together that morning, and he would usually drive her home if that was the case, but he had also promised his parents he would treat them to a nice meal after their long flight in.

“I’m alright, I can hitch a ride with one of the other boys,” Poppy declined, “You guys enjoy your dinner, it was really nice to meet you.”

“Nonsense,” Katja had exclaimed, a hand on Poppy’s arm as she moved to hug her goodbye, “Come with us, Nico can drop you home after,”

“We’ve been dying to hear someone tell us all of Nico’s secrets about his life over here.” Rino had joined in, egging Poppy on until she couldn’t say no.

When she had looked over to Nico, he hadn’t realised she was silently asking for his permission, too busy looking at her with a dopey grin on his face before he pulled himself together enough to nod his approval.

“Okay, yeah, thank you,” Poppy had agreed, “I just have to grab my bag from the office, I could meet you at your car in five minutes?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you in five.”

Nico had watched her go off as his mother looped her arm through his, leaning into him and watching Poppy until she disappeared through the far doors. 

“I like her,” Katja had a big, complimentary grin on her face when Nico looked down a little at her - and despite slipping into their native tongue, Nico had thought it would be obvious to anyone listening in what they were talking about just from the look on his mother’s face.

“Yeah, she’s great,” He had concurred, shaking her off his arm so that he could wrap it around her shoulders as they walked, and in a true show of his denial at the time, he had added, “A really good friend.”

He still remembers the sound of his mother’s knowing hum, that interaction between the four of them a catalyst for the feelings he had for the longest time suppressed.

Weeks ago, Poppy had asked him the last time he had wanted to kiss her. He’d told her about a night in a bar after the team had crashed out of the playoffs last year. A night where, in all the anguish and misery and regret, she had made him feel like he could breathe again. It was the last time he had felt overwhelmed by the urge to take the leap into something more with her.

The first time had been that night with his parents, when he’d dropped her back at her apartment after an evening of them oversharing embarrassing childhood anecdotes and Poppy sharing her own stories - ones she had of her favourite memories with Nico, and even ones without, letting his mom and dad into the strongroom that was her life before she met their son. 

Looking back, he thinks that night truly would have been a catalyst for his blossoming affections if he didn’t feel the watchful gaze of his parents waiting in his car while he made sure Poppy got inside safe.

He would have kissed her, he knows it.

Instead, he had returned to the driver’s seat and tried to ignore the smug grin his mother kept sending through the rearview mirror from her place in the back seat the whole journey to their hotel.

In the years since, her affections for Poppy have only grown, and so he should have expected that she would get excited the second she saw her - he only wishes her timing was better.

“Hi, Mrs Hischier” Poppy smiles despite her discomfort, the apples of her cheeks rounding and endearment sparkling in her previously dull eyes. The energy she gives to his mother is a stark contrast to that she had just been giving to Nico. “It’s so nice to see you!”

“It’s Katja, sweet girl, it’s clearly been too long since we have spoken!” His mother’s arms wrap around her, and he watches as Poppy’s body seems to melt at the touch, tense muscles relaxing and hand rubbing at her back. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look too good, are you feeling okay?”

She presses the back of her hand to Poppy’s clammy forehead as Nico remembers her doing so often to him as a child, gauging her temperature and casting a concerned glance over her from head to toe. 

“I’m alright, I’ve just been off sick the past week, I still probably look a little like a zombie,” Poppy chuckles, dismissively, still maintaining an eyre of warmth in the way she looks at his mother.

“Not at all, as pretty as ever, isn’t she, Nico?” His mom nudges him as if he needs any prompting to compliment her.

“Yeah,” he agrees without hesitation, and he starts to feel palpitations when her eyes glance quickly over to meet his before darting away.

“You’re a terrible liar,” Poppy huffs, and he doesn’t entirely know who she meant that for. “Did you and Rino enjoy your trip to Canada?”

Nico doesn’t know why he finds himself surprised by the way Poppy effortlessly recollects the information - a throwaway comment he had made to her in the back of that bar all those weeks ago of his parent’s whereabouts. Poppy remembers because she cares. She has always cared. Always listened to what he has to say, even if he thinks it’s irrelevant, and has always shown interest. 

He finds himself watching her as she catches up with his mother, giving tired smiles but engaging nonetheless, the conversation flowing between the two of them just as effortlessly as it had on the day they had met - where they had conversed over dinner like they had known each other for years, and Nico had blushed every time he met his mother’s eyes from across the table.

He remembers his birthday dinner with his family at the beginning of the month, where he had sat in mostly-silence and wished for her company, and he starts to wonder if it’s always going to be like that, from now on. 

If he’s always going to be longing for her. If he’s always going to feel like something’s missing if she isn’t around.

“I should go,” he hears her say, “I have to check some of the questions with the moderator and they’ll be opening the doors for the signing, soon.”

“Of course, don’t let me keep you,” his mom presses a comforting hand to Poppy’s arm, thumb rubbing in a soothing gesture before they part with goodbyes and a promise to catch up, properly, at some point. 

Nico doesn’t miss the way she hadn’t given him the same courtesy. And neither does his mother.

Her eyes narrow in his direction, and just as her lips part to no doubt call him out, a figure comes up beside them,

“They’re ready to start the signing if you are, Nico.” Jessica’s unusually perky voice rings out beside him, and he’s never been more thankful for an interruption in his life.

He hasn’t seen that disappointed glint in his mother’s eyes since he’d told her he was bringing a girlfriend home to meet her at the end of last summer, and had shown up to the house with Talia in tow.

Poppy

As backwards as it might seem to some people, the only part of Poppy’s life where she is able to seek complete solace in recent years has always been in her work.

When she had first gotten her job within the organisation - a co-op internship that covered her final year of college - she had been almost overwhelmed with pride for the first time in her life. She had always been a good student, had got into college of her own merit and hadn’t used family connections like she suspected her brother had done, and she had worked her butt off to prep for the application and interview.

And when she’d gotten the call to tell her they wanted her on the team, she had been over the moon.

She’d gotten along so well with the people she had met in the team so far, had loved their ethos and the environment at the Rock, and she couldn’t wait to build something great for herself when she got started.

She had immediately called home after accepting the position, buzzing with excitement to tell her father that she of all the alleged thousands of applicants had been accepted to work on the media programme for the New Jersey Devils, a respected establishment in one of the biggest sporting leagues in the country. She had expected he would be proud of her, too, but he had ended up heaving out a disappointed sigh, and she could hear him fold up his paper in the background before he had asked, “Hockey, Poppy? Really? What kind of success do you expect to find in such a barbaric environment?”

As much as his disapproval had hurt at that time, she credits her father’s aloofness with her happiness in her role to this day.

It turns out, she can find a lot of success in a barbaric environment if she puts enough of her heart into it.

Even back in her media days, acting as a lackey for some of the more senior guys and trudging through those first few months of hazing, she had loved her job. 

Sharing insights into the team and the sport, determined to break any stigma associated with the guys who played it and all while highlighting the way it brought pride and community to her home state, she left the building every day with a pep in her step and a giant grin on her face.

And it only got bigger when she was recruited onto the Youth Foundation team. The projects she has worked on, the people she has met, the incredible things they have all achieved together - she doesn’t think she could have gotten any luckier with her career - despite what her judgemental, uppity parents think of it.

So, when things get hard elsewhere - when she spends a little too much time with her family and goes a little stir crazy, or when she gets her heart broken by the one guy she had trusted to handle it with care, and ends up fixating on the possibility of him rekindling things with a woman he had told Poppy didn’t make him happy - she resorts to her factory settings of knuckling down and putting her work first.

Which is how, in the weeks since Nico had left her apartment that horrific night, she has attached her name to every project she can pick up. She has accepted every meeting, answered every call, returned every email, all with a smile she had felt like she was forcing at first, but has started to feel real as time has gone one.

And she thinks it’s working.

She doesn’t dread coming into the Arena - doesn’t pace the length of her office to prepare herself every time she needs to leave it, doesn’t hold her breath as she turns the corners in anticipation of seeing him, doesn’t wince every time someone knocks on her door until they pop their head in and reveal themselves.

Poppy has well and truly immersed herself in her work, and she can’t even feel the rattling of the shattered pieces of her heart anymore.

She’s too consumed with other stuff. With hockey clinics, planning fundraisers, local rink openings, development programmes, the Sweep The Deck gala, mentoring sessions, preparations for the Stadium Series in the next month. 

She should be exhausted. 

If she actually gives herself the brain power to think about anything other than work for a second, she probably would be - but she’s turned into a hammerhead shark of sorts, and she knows she’ll suffocate in all the other feelings if she stops swimming. 

If she gives even a second of her time to the constant urge to think about Nico, she’ll drown in him. In the hurt and the ache she feels when he’s even in the same room.

She has taken to pretending he isn’t there. To looking at others, immersing herself too deep in conversations that he won’t dare to interrupt, and she is actually satisfied with how she’s managed to hold herself together when it comes to the rest of the guys.

When the season had started last year, and Poppy had been avoiding Nico for the other reason over the course of those months, she had pretty much locked herself in her office during work hours, and had stayed home outside of them. She didn’t go to games, didn’t go to team events that she wasn’t working, didn’t attend birthdays or dinners or celebration trips to whatever bar could accommodate the whole team for the night. She had stopped engaging as much with the other guys - Jack had even taken to calling her a recluse if she remembers correctly - and she’s determined not to let this mess get in the way of the great relationships she has with the rest of the team. 

If not for the fact that it would be petulant for her to take out her frustrations regarding their captain with them, then for the fact that she needs the companionship.

She needs it so much that she doesn’t run from it, or even pretend like she doesn’t like their company. 

Weeks ago, if she had been coming up from the parking level with Nate Bastian, and he had tried to crack the joke, “Hey, Poppy, why are elevator jokes the best kind? Because they work on many levels,” she honestly would have scoffed and called him lame. But she had felt her lips twitching earlier in the day, and had let him boast about how he had made her smile as they walked together through the building to anyone they passed without even denying it.

The guys have been doing more for her mentality than she can ever thank them for - holding her up while her every instinct is telling her to crumble - and she couldn’t be more grateful to be a part of such a great team.

The Hughes brothers, especially. Luke, who texts her his every rambling thought sandwiched between memes and links to Tiktoks about giraffes, because he knows they make her smile. And Jack, who, despite being out of play with his shoulder, still, checks in with her every day he comes in, a drink in hand when she needs a pick me up the most, and an ever growing list of ridiculous names to call her. 

His continued visits have made her grow less weary of the knocks at her door, and so when one echoes through the room as she’s replying to some emails, she doesn’t feel the stutter of her heartbeat like she would have done last week.

“Hey, Pop,” he pokes his head into her office, fingers flexed around the door jamb as he edges his way in, empty handed, this time, but Poppy can’t hold it against him. Her day is almost finished, after all.

“What, no stupid nickname today? Did I upset you or something?” She pauses typing as she looks up at him, watching him close the door behind himself as he takes her lighthearted tone as an invitation inside.

“I did have a joke lined up about Snap and Crackle, but you’ve ruined it now actually,” he rolls his eyes playfully, throwing himself down in the chair opposite hers and flicking affectionately at his bobblehead. 

“Sorry,” Poppy gives a quick, bashful smile before going back to her work, tapping away at her noisy keyboard as she works her way through her inbox, “What’s up?”

“Was wondering if you’d seen Luke?”

“Not today, he doesn’t usually make a habit of coming down here though. Did he say he was gonna stop by?”

“Not exactly.” Jack frowns, a slight shrug of his better shoulder.

Poppy casts a confused glance his way, eyes narrowing as she watches him fidget in the seat. “Do you guys think the y chromosome is meant to get you out of ever giving a straight answer to something? What do you mean, not exactly?”

“Well, Dawsy said he’d seen him with Nico, and lately that means,” he looks as if he’s weighing up what to say in his head, and Poppy wishes the lower part of her desk didn’t block her legs from his so she could give him a quick kick to the shin, “Well, people usually come straight here after Nico pulls them to talk.”

She sighs.

She had figured as much, but the confirmation of it doesn’t make her heart ache any less.

She’d had her first suspicions when Smitty had shown her every picture she thinks he’s ever taken of his kids the other day. He’d sat beside her in the lounge while the team and staff had been waiting for some sort of safety meeting - one she hadn’t even got to focus much on because he had talked her ear off for almost an hour until he was finally pulled away for some other responsibilities. 

And then Jonas had come by her office - something he had literally never done before. He had found Poppy working on a project, brainstorming with post-its on her cleared floor, and had waited around until she had finished - chipping in little ideas here and there for a presentation on the Learn To Play programme and using his 6’2 stature to take an aerial photo of all her sticky notes that Poppy never would have been able to get right, enabling her to clean them away and tidy up after herself before she finished for that day. It wasn’t that she minded his company, he’d actually been a massive help, but she had this nagging feeling that he would never come see her of his own volition.

Then there was Holtzy and Dawson volunteering for the hockey clinic in the debrief earlier like they were being held at gunpoint and forced into labour.

Nico has put them all up to it.

Even when he’s giving her space, he can’t leave her be.

“So what you’re saying is he’s abusing his position of power to get you all to come talk to me,”

“I don’t know if I’d phrase it like that,” Jack scratches awkwardly at the back of his neck, and she only feels a slight pinch of guilt. She knows he had a habit of coming to see her before all of this, but his visits have definitely increased over the past few weeks - so, he isn’t entirely innocent, either. “Maybe he misses you?”

“Maybe he should have thought about that,” she mutters, leaning onto her desk and pressing her palms into her closed eyes to relieve the headache that’s starting to build. 

Distracting herself with work had been going so well.

“You know we can’t talk about this, Jack,” she sighs, “He’s your captain, it’s not fair of me to vent about our situation to you of all people.”

“Ouch,”

“You know what I mean. If it was anybody else, I’d come to you for advice, but you guys are a team, I’m just-,”

“Don’t finish that sentence, Poppy,” Jack rebukes, sitting up straight in his chair and levelling her with a stern look, “You’re our friend. Even if Nico is asking the others to check up on you, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t care about you. None of us want a repeat of the start of the season, okay, we just want to know you’re alright.”

“I appreciate you saying that,” Poppy gives a weak smile, the kind that doesn’t quite meet her eyes, “I just don’t want anybody taking sides, I know Luke’s been off with him about the whole thing,”

“That’s probably where he is now,” Jack realises, “He did get a little rough in practice before.”

“Yeah, I heard,” she says, knowing Luke and Nico had a collision earlier that had been the talk of the office all morning. “Look, I love you guys for it, but I don’t need babysitters. I just wanna move on. And you can tell Nico that, the next time he tries to force you out here with.another iced beverage just to keep me company or whatever.”

“Well, they go on the road tomorrow, so you should get some peace and quiet around here.” Jack still seems solemn at the thought of the team travelling anywhere without him, but she has tried one too many times to talk to him about it and, every time, he has shut her down. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready, and if she’s making a point of not wanting to be pushed on a subject, she isn’t going to do the same to him, even if her instincts are telling her to wrap the guy up in a bear hug and tell him everything will be okay. “I’ll leave you to your work, anyway, I’ll be around until the weekend if you need me, Pop. I promise I would be bringing you drinks even if he wasn’t asking me to.”

He pushes himself up from the seat with his good side before retreating back towards the door, and Poppy can’t let him go without at least attempting to cheer him up. He never usually leaves this quick, always finds some reason to hover and affectionately irritate her just a little - but she can tell he’s done figuring out reasons to linger around the arena for the day.

“I would have laughed, by the way,” she calls out to him, causing him to pause half way out and look back, a questioning brow arched her way. “Snap, Crackle and Pop would have been a good one, it’s funny.”

“They’re all funny, Poppy.”

She really is losing her mind.

As if the universe is playing some gigantic, cruel joke on her, Poppy’s promised peace and quiet while the team have gone on the road has turned into her shut in her apartment with every single curtain drawn, wrapped up under a mountain of covers to combat the shivers, and a leg poking out of them to alleviate the hot flushes - all while battling the most crippling waves of nausea she has ever experienced in all of her adult life.

She had gone home from work on Wednesday and had invited Nia around, hoping her best friend’s anger around the Nico situation had dwindled enough that she wasn’t going to harp on about it all night, and they could enjoy some movies and dirty takeout like they were back in college without Poppy having to even think about anything else.

Uptown Girls had been playing on the TV, empty containers of Korean Hot Pot had littered her coffee table, and Nia had fallen asleep sprawled out across the couch when Poppy had first started to feel off.

She had been watching Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning swirling around in the teacup ride, and had started to feel like her own living room was spinning.

She had barely made it to her bathroom before she was puking her guts up, waking Nia in the process who had spent the next hour holding her hair back before she tucked her into bed.

Poppy had called in to work the next morning. She had missed even watching the game against Carolina, could barely remember a solid half an hour of consciousness between that Wednesday night and Saturday morning.

All she remembers is vomiting, Nia checking in after work, bringing an abundance of electrolyte drinks and trying to get her to eat before she had to leave again She recalls burning bagels she had forgot she had left in the toaster, vomiting again at the smell of the burned bagels, and having a series of the most absurdly vivid dreams she’s ever experienced in her life. 

All of which had one common theme.

Nico.

Dreams where she’s swimming in a large, unidentifiable body of water. It’s cold, and she is exhausted, and her limbs ache from treading water and trying to stay afloat. It’s mostly dark, sometimes lit by the moon, the reflection of which shimmers in her path to something in the distance. And she’s stretching, reaching out, desperately kicking her legs to get to whatever it is until she realises it’s him, and he’s swimming away, making it a thousand times harder on her.

Dreams of her stood at the door of her apartment, the repeated knock on the other side echoing on and on as she scrambles to look for the keys to unlock it. It’s a pattern she thinks she recognises, a rhythmic knock that only he has used before, but she can’t get the door open with all her might, and her keys are nowhere to be seen. 

Dreams of their fated night together, only this time it’s like she’s on the outside looking in, watches the two of them in the throes of passion, only when she takes a proper look, he isn’t into it like she is. Or there’s another version where she isn’t herself at all. She has much lighter hair, and mutters out profanities in German as Nico presses sweet kisses into her lips and cradles her face lovingly. She’s Talia, and he looks as happy as ever when she is.

Despite the almost 3 days of round the clock sleep, she has never felt so exhausted in her life.

When the nausea fades ever so slightly, and she gets enough strength in herself to get up - to eat, to drink, to function like a normal human being, she feels sluggish and weak, and like she hasn’t had a moment’s rest in months.

Nia had been checking in, surprisingly not sick herself even though Poppy assumes her bug came from the takeout they shared - but Nia is vegetarian, so she had thought that might have explained it. She had been making sure Poppy remained hydrated, and continued to eat despite the continuous waves of nausea that kept coming back. She had done her grocery shopping, stocking her refrigerator with a bunch of different juices and smoothies, and buying her a bunch of fresh fruit, some bread, some yoghurts, pasta, crackers, plain chips, all the things that would hopefully keep her energy up and her nausea down.

And it had taken her a week to recover to a point that she felt like she could work again. She probably shouldn’t have forced herself back when she wasn’t feeling, or looking, 100%, but she had become so used to using her job as a coping mechanism, that regaining the slightest bit of her energy had her spiralling a little mentally, and she couldn’t take being at home any longer.

She had known that Jesper had his Q&A event, and had to stop by the Rock to pick up some of her files before making her way over - but that trip had proved to be more trouble than it was worth, and she had ended up getting herself all mixed up when she had returned to her office and had ended up dry heaving in the bathrooms when she caught a mix of smells walking through the hallway on her way in.

She had wanted to get some prep work done - approve the questions, meet with the photographers, catch up with Jess from Media, but she had ended up hurled over the toilet bowl for a good hour until she felt somewhat better, and was in so much of a rush to get over to the event that all she had managed to do to pull herself together was throw her hair up and hope that chomping on a breath mint wouldn’t trigger her senses all over again. 

She felt like she was fresh out of The Walking Dead.

She had to get an Uber over, had sat with her head out of the window like some kind of dog to alleviate the sweat that had broken out from her rushing around, and by the time she made it - she was so out of sorts she barely could remember why she was there.

And then she had bumped into Nico.

And she hates that she had felt a little better.

She hates that she found comfort in the fresh smell of his cologne, or the soft touch of his hand to her skin. She hates that the sound of his voice had quelled the rapid thumping of her heartbeat, and that it felt so good just to be in his presence, she had almost forgotten how much she had been hurt. How much he had hurt her.

She hates how she had felt obliged to pretend everything was okay in front of his mother, the sweetest woman on planet Earth embracing her like she was her own daughter, wrapping her up in a shroud of worry and sheer maternal instinct.

And she hates how all of those feelings have lingered throughout the afternoon. As she had watched him engage with his fans during his signing, big dimpled smiles sent to tiny children drowning in jerseys way too big for their small frames, and all adorning his number on the back. As she had watched Katja as the event unfolded, eyes sparkling with pride for her son and everything he has accomplished. As she’s stood and watched him answer questions she knows the answers to like she knows her own favourite food.

Where is your dream vacation destination?

He wants to visit Costa Rica.

What is your favourite sport outside of hockey?

He loves Tennis, loves Roger Federer, a real idol for him as a kid growing up in Switzerland, but also loves soccer, which he always says with an uncomfortable twist to his lips, because his father used to play.

What does he miss the most about home?

His family. His siblings. She probably knows more about Nina and Luca than she knows about Oliver, at this point.

“What’s your favourite thing to do in Jersey when you’re not playing hockey?”

“Uhh,” Poppy watches as Nico rolls his shoulders, his face pensive as he ponders the question, “It depends when we get time off. If the weathers nice, Jersey has some nice beaches, sometimes we go in a group and hang out,” he answers, and just before he carries on, his eyes flicker over to Poppy, meeting hers and holding her gaze until she looks away. “But if it’s when we’re playing I try to spend any downtime with friends. I have some really great friends here and I think that helps me destress a little, just being around them, going out for food and drinks and stuff. Some of my favourite people I have met while I’ve been living here.”

Poppy doesn’t dare look back up, her pulse throbbing in her temples.

“Well that’s a perfect segue into the next question, who’s your best friend on the team?”

She doesn’t stick around to listen to him skirt around that answer, pushing herself discretely through the doors back into the room that the signing had taken place in and busying herself packing up what she can without any help. 

She needs to carry on working, needs to stop thinking, needs to stop feeling so many things. Needs to be somewhere else, where she can’t look at him, can’t admire the way the deep brown of his irises shine when he smiles, or how one of his eyebrows does that cute little hop when he speaks for a little too long, or how she thinks she can still feel his hand on her face even though it’s been at least a good couple of hours since they had spoken by now.

She doesn’t realise how quick she’s moving around until the room starts to spin, and she stumbles a little into a table before steadying herself on one of the chairs.

“Hey, Poppy, are you alright?” The words are spoken in an accent she’s always found comforting, only the voice is different. Softer. Feminine.

She looks up to see Nico’s mom moving closer, concern causing her eyes to go round and her brows to furrow, and the soft, gentle touch of her hand to Poppy’s arm has her stuttering in her response.

“Y-yeah,” she breathes, “Just got a little dizzy.”

“Are you sure, do you need to sit down?”

“I’m okay, honestly,” she smiles, despite the way Katja’s warm, caring eyes mirror those of her son and make Poppy’s chest ache just a little. “I haven’t really eaten much today, I just got a little lightheaded, I’ll be fine once we’re done here and I can go home and eat.”

“Here,” Katja reaches into her purse, digging around before she pulls out some sort of granola bar, “I got this for a snack on my flight and didn’t eat it, you can have it to keep you going.”

Poppy can hardly decline the motherly gesture, and takes the snack with a thank you before unwrapping it and taking a cautious bite. She probably isn’t doing herself any favours, the nausea creeping up when she chews on a bit of dried fruit, and the unexpected flavour immediately triggers her stomach. She’s been sticking to crackers and dry toast, and hasn’t really eaten anything sweet in a week - the combination of the fruit and the syrupy coating making her feel so uneasy she has to sit down. 

“You’re still sick?” Katja sits beside her, watching over her in the way only a loving mother could, concern etched upon her beautiful features and a tilted head examining Poppy from head to toe. 

“I usually shift bugs a lot quicker than this, but I think the not being able to eat and the exhaustion is making everything worse.”

“You aren’t sleeping, either?”

“Technically I might be sleeping too much.” Poppy takes another bite, trying to put her mind over the matter, knowing that it should actually make her feel well enough to get through the rest of the event to have something in her belly. “But I keep having these crazy dreams, and they’re so vivid that I don’t feel rested at all when I wake up, even if I got enough hours in. Then I just feel anxious and it makes me more tired.”

Katja nods understandingly, a knowing smile plucking at her lips until her cheeks dimple, just like Nico’s do. “How many weeks?”

“Have I been sick?” Poppy asks, too busy trying to ignore the sickly sweet flavour on her tongue to notice the woman sat beside her shaking her head, “Just last week. I think it was bad takeout or something, combined with work stress probably-,”

“How many weeks are you into your pregnancy, Poppy?” She chuckles, a gentle hand placed on Poppy’s lap. “You don’t have to pretend to me.”

“My-,” Poppy covers her mouth as she swallows a hardly-chewed bit of granola, “I’m not-,” she struggles a little with her words, cringing at the way she can feel it going down her throat, and clears it with an awkward cough when she can, “Pregnancy?”

“Oh Goodness, I’m sorry,” Katja’s eyes widen in alarm, the hand on Poppy’s knee squeezing apologetically, “I just thought, the dreams, the sickness, the exhaustion, that’s how it started for me with all 3 of my children.”

“Oh.” At least she isn’t the only person Nico has ever caused to have such torturous dreams, she thinks. “No, I’ve just had a bug, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna clear up,” she says, her voice much smaller as she continues to speak through trembling lips, continues to grow more unsure of her words as something akin to dread settles in the pit of her stomach. “And this is like the aftershocks of being sick, or something, one last hurrah for the germs.”

“Of course,” Katja nods, giving Poppy’s knee a comforting rub before placing her hands on her own lap, a sheepish look given as she makes eye contact, the same dark eyes she’s been dreaming about looking right at her. “I would never usually assume, I swear you don’t look it, it was just my first thought when you mentioned the sleep. It just took me right back, my pregnancies were all like that. Heavy sickness, exhaustion, even in my bones I felt tired, and the dreams were crazy, especially with Nico, it was like full movies playing out in my head every night for the whole 9 months.”

“I never knew that was a thing.” Poppy has obviously heard of morning sickness. She’s heard of expectant mothers being exhausted, their bodies worn out from the oh-so-minor task of creating life, but she hadn’t ever heard anyone talk about dreams being an indicator of pregnancy.

“Babies make your body do crazy things.” She gives a reminiscent chuckle, and Poppy notices her lose herself a little in the memory, warm eyes melting with the recollection. “But at least you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Right.” The empty swallow Poppy takes next hurts more than the granola had before, the scratch of the cereal a minor irritation in comparison to the lump currently forming there. “What other symptoms did you have?”

“At the start, food was my enemy. Rino used to have to make me smoothies to get all my vitamins in. You wouldn’t think with the appetite my boys had growing up that they would have made me fear eating so much, but it was bad. I always envied the women who just had a little morning sickness.”

Poppy feels her eyes well up - more so at the way Katja’s eyes glint with pride and love when she talks about her family than anything else. It’s beautiful. Even recalling how sick her babies had made her, Poppy can tell from the look on her face that her pregnancies brought her unadulterated joy.

She remembers when Oliver’s wife, Kimberley, had been pregnant with their first son. They had lived in Jersey, still, back then, and family dinners were a staple every Friday night. They were all sat around the dining table back at the Jensen house, and Kimberley, God bless her, had misguidedly asked Priscilla what her pregnancies were like. 

“Hell.” Poppy’s mom had said, sipping at her wine and looking over the glass at Oliver with a measured glare. “He gave me uneven breasts and dry skin,”

“Mom,” Oliver had grunted in disgust, a protective hand reaching out to take hold of his wife’s.

“And she,” Priscilla gave an accusatory point in Poppy’s direction, “Gave me thin hair and postnatal depression. But she evened my breasts back out, so there’s a silver lining, I suppose.”

Kimberley hasn’t made the same mistake of seeking motherly advice since then. 

“And Nina made me have super-human scent, I could smell things from floors away.”

Poppy can barely look at her anymore.

After she’d spoken to Nico when he’d turned up before, she could still smell him from across the room. And she hadn’t been able to step foot in the common area in her office when she’d dropped by to pick up her files earlier, thinking she could smell someone’s microwaved food and feeling like she was about to vomit. She has only been able to nibble at dry crackers all week just to avoid eating or smelling anything that would set her off.

But that’s the bug, right? She’s been sluggish, she’s been tired, running hot all week, and her body has constantly ached, especially-

“I should get all this stuff packed up,” Poppy shoots up from her seat, thankfully able to suppress the dizziness. “I think I feel better, thank you so much for keeping me company.”

She shouldn’t hope so much that she isn’t being rude, shouldn’t expect or want Katja to hold her to high esteem, but she finds herself cringing at her quick subject change, and caring a little too much that it will make her think less of her.

Her son doesn’t want her to be a part of his life in that way, Poppy thinks, so it shouldn’t matter what Katja feels about her. Not anymore.

“That’s okay, Poppy, thank you for listening to me reminisce. It was nice. Nico usually gets too embarrassed for me to talk about stuff like this.” Katja follows Poppy up, mirroring her to help her pack up the rest of the merchandise that hadn’t been bought or signed.

“I don’t think he could ever be embarrassed by you.” Poppy chuckles despite herself, defending him like it’s second nature, even though she knows Katja wasn’t trying to put him down in the first place. He’s her son, for crying out loud, Poppy thinks, she doesn’t need some random girl he works with acting like she knows him any better than his own mother. “He probably just doesn’t want to think about ever making you uncomfortable, even as a foetus or whatever.”

Katja gives that same knowing smile she had worn just before turning Poppy’s world upside down mere minutes ago. The smile that would be patronising on anyone else, but the warmth in her eyes holds nothing but understanding and appreciation.

“He’s a sweet boy,” she remarks, proudly, “I never thought of It like that."

“Yeah, you raised a gentleman for sure.” Poppy had considered that it would feel more like a lie when the thought had come to her head, but as the words leave her mouth, she finds comfort in them.

Despite how much he had hurt her, she still knows Nico’s heart. She knows he cares deeply, knows he is selfless and warm, and loves with everything in him. He just doesn’t love her - not how she wants him to, at least - but she can’t hold that against him forever.

The words weigh a little heavier when the situation dawns on her, but she tries not to get ahead of herself. Not again.

She can’t be pregnant. That’s insane. 

And she can’t rack her brain trying to remember if either of them had protected themselves with his mom sat right in front of her, she knows for a fact she can’t suppress the heat that rises up her neck at the memory - she may as well wave a gigantic flag that reads Hey, I had sex with your son!

“We’re heading for dinner when he’s finished here, would you want to join us?” Katja asks, motherly concern etched upon her features, and Poppy’s heart warms at the gesture in spite of the panic rousing in her chest.

“That’s alright,” she shakes her head, guilt plucking slightly at her with the telling of the minute lie, “I have plans with another friend.”

“We’ll be going home next week, so there’s plenty of time to catch up, if you’re free at all.”

Poppy can’t help but relent with a soft smile, nodding at the suggestion without overthinking it. She’d accidentally gatecrashed a couple lunches Nico and Katja had together in some of her previous visits, and she was always so welcoming and kind - it would hardly be putting herself out if she were to do it again. “I’d like that,”

“If you’re busy, Nina and Rino will be over for the Stadium game, don’t let them convince you to come out when I’m not there.” She jests with a pointed finger, and Poppy finds herself laughing despite her nerves. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good girl.” Katja reaches out and pinches softly at Poppy’s cheek, “Make sure you keep drinking plenty, and eating too, even if you feel sick you should try make sure you’re keeping your energy up. Try soup with lots of vegetables and bread. You can make it in a big batch and freeze it.”

Poppy can’t remember the last time her own mother had cared about her like this - not without belittling her, at least. When she’d spoken to her mom last week, had told her she was off work sick and couldn’t come over at the weekend, she had heard her roll her eyes over the phone. She’d been told that this is where eating poorly gets her, and that if she was keeping on top of her supplements and vitamin shots, she wouldn’t be so prone to illness. 

Even as a grown woman, with her own career, her own life, her own home, she still feels like a berated child when it comes to her mom. 

Nico’s mom makes her feel child-like in an entirely different way. In a way that’s warm and comforting, a way that wouldn’t give her anxiety every time her name comes up on her phone.

“I will, thank you for looking out for me, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, Katja.”

Kindness comes like a second nature to Katja - to all members of the Hischier family she has encountered thus far - and a pang of jealousy and longing hits her at the realisation that some people have just been raised around this level of benevolence their whole lives, and think nothing of it.

Though, she knows Nico appreciates it.

Katja departs back through the doors into the Q&A with a soft smile and an enthusiastic wave, and Poppy waits until they have closed properly before she retrieves her cellphone from her back pocket.

Frustrated at the way it refuses to identify her face, she prods her fingers into the screen, typing in her passcode and swiping until she finds her calendar app. 

She knows she had an appointment scheduled in December with her gynaecologist. She had been in the middle of trialling a new contraception back in October - a sticky patch that had made her bleed continuously for 3 weeks and turned her into a raging nightmare to be around - and had stopped using it despite the 6 week recommendation she had been given, figuring she’d just wait out the rough periods until her next time she was booked in and speak to the doctor about it. But she’d been so busy in the back end of last year, she doesn’t remember how long it’s been since she stopped. 

Her eyes widen when she locates the appointment, clicking into the date, December 15th and reading the notes she left in there.

NEED TO RESCHEDULE!!!! busy w/ work, gynae breaks 4 xmas 22nd, comes back Jan 2nd.

She remembers the phone call as soon as she reads it. She had cancelled instead of rescheduling, knowing she was picking up extra work and would be busy until pretty much after the Christmas break. She was supposed to call in the new year. She’d gotten distracted. She hadn’t thought it was an emergency, it wasn’t like she thought she would need it for contraceptive purposes. And her periods hadn’t even been that bad since she stopped using it. Light flow, 28 day cycle, barely any cramps. She’d even been keeping a track of it, herself. She had nothing to worry about, which is probably why she hadn’t remembered to book herself back in. Hadn’t thought to start taking any other birth control in the meantime.

Her Cycle app is the next stop, flicking through the dates until she realises she was on her period after Christmas, and that the 10 or so days after that had ended were marked another colour, given another meaning.

She can feel her heartbeat in her ears. 

No, no, no.

This isn’t happening.

She’s jumping to conclusions.

It’s just a sickness bug from the takeout.

The dreams are just her broken heart playing tricks on her.

She isn’t pregnant.

She can’t be pregnant.

Next Chapter

Taglist: @alwaysclassyeagle @bunbunbl0gs @idgaf-if-youre-here @youflowerr-youfeast @thearchersstuff @bellsdi0r @wonderheartz @jjgsunflower @butterflies35 @kenziepickle @josierosie @laheyxlover @mrsmattytkachuk (sorry if your tag hasn't worked btw)

[missymurphy1985]

1000 Followers Celebration Challenge - @sophieshelby

Enough - Tommy Shelby X WifexReader One Shot

Prompt - "Shut your fucking mouth." "Make me."

Warning - angst / smut / fluff / pregnancy kink / BDSM - (choking, slapping) / possessive Tommy / S6 spoilers

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @peakyciills @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @peaky-cillian @misselsbells06 @datewithgianni @heidimoreton @jardinsecos @bitchwhytho @gypsy-girl-08 @queenofkings1212 @look-at-the-soul

Slamming the door behind you, you walked into Tommy's office and stood by the small sofa, arms folded. He didn't even flinch, sat at his desk sorting through paperwork like you weren't stood ten feet away from him with so much anger and rage inside you, the heat of it could be sensed miles away.

"Something you need, dear?" He asked, finally.

"Oh so he does speak to his wife occasionally then?" You spat, arms still folded to keep them from shaking. Eyes on him. The bastard didn't even raise his eyes from that fucking letter he was reading.

You snatched it from him and threw it to the floor. He looked at you then. Fuck, did he look at you...

Silently, he stood from his chair, where he'd pretty much lived since he got home from Canada three days ago, and gave a deep sigh. Removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose, he looked at you again, seeing your pained expression. Your rage filled eyes.

"All you've done since the second you got home is paperwork. Phone calls. Meetings. Business. Have you forgotten you have a wife and children who haven't seen you for fucking WEEKS Thomas, and might want to spend some time with you once in a while?"

"YN if I don't close this deal there won't be a fucking business!"

"Good!! Maybe I'll get my husband back!"

"No business, no Arrow House! No money! No future!"

"Carry on the way you're going and you won't have a fucking family either!"

"Don't fucking threaten me..."

"You're doing this to yourself - pushing us away, it's like you want me to hate you."

"Clearly I don't need to try too hard, do I?"

You saw red. And every single emotion and feeling came flying out of you like a river released from a broken dam...

"No you don't. I've hated you since the second I laid eyes on you. Since the day my father sold me to you to clear his debt. Problem is, I've also learned to love you. To love your son like my own. Given you another son to carry on your precious family name. I'm carrying your daughter as we speak, and you act like you couldn't give a flying fuck about any of us! You wouldn't care if I packed our bags and left you before dinner! What's changed? When I was pregnant with Daniel you were loving and attentive, you wouldn't let me lift a finger. This time around it's like you don't care.. you haven't once asked about the baby.. you haven't asked how I'm feeling. When the boys talked about her before you left, how excited they were to have a little sister, you dismissed them from the room, didn't even acknowledge it."

"YN..."

"No! I'm talking, and you're fucking listening! All that talk of women being so important to you, to the world, and yet.. I carry your little girl in my belly and you hate her already!"

"Shut your fucking mouth!"

"MAKE ME!"

He stood up so quickly, his chair flew backwards into the bay window and you heard a crack as one of the legs snapped against the wall. His hands were on the desk, his eyes firmly on yours, before he walked around the desk and approached you slowly.

His body stood almost flush against yours, a spark in his eyes that you hadn't seen in months...

"Remember your manners.. don't talk with your mouth full..."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"On your knees."

You knew what exactly what he was talking about, and by god if it didn't send a wetness and a deep throb directly to your core, but you weren't giving in that easily.

"You're right, however I don't see why I - " he silenced you by roughly pushing you down to sit on the sofa, and pressing his thumb into your mouth.

"You've said enough, Mrs Shelby. Now, you shut the fuck up and take what's coming to you..."

His thumb pressed onto your tongue, opening your mouth wide. His other hand quickly unzipped his trousers, allowing them to fall to the floor. Your legs clenched together, realising he had no undershorts on, and his cock stood firm and proud right in front of you.

"The only sounds I want to hear are the sounds of my wife's rude, insolent little mouth sucking my cock - swallowing down every drop of my cum before I lay her over my desk and rail that rudeness and insolence right out of her..."

All you could do was nod, before his cock pushed through your open lips, over your tongue and down your throat. He groaned as your muscles relaxed, taking him fully down. He'd trained your throat so well, you didn't even gag any more.

"Good girl... That's it..." The small moans passing his lips sent electricity straight between your legs, a pool of warm moisture gathering. Your clit aching to be touched.

"Can you taste it Mrs Shelby? Taste my sweet seed, just begging to flow into your dirty little mouth?" He gripped your hair and held you still, thrusting his hips as he fucked your face. He tapped under your arm, and you cupped his balls in your hand, squeezing them exactly as he liked it. Your watery eyes glancing up at him - his eyes were on your mouth wrapped around his cock, his eyebrows furrowed, mouth open slightly as he panted, mercilessly pounding into your mouth.

His eyes widened suddenly, rolling back a little as he gave a final thrust - your mouth filling with warm cum as his knees buckled slightly. His balls emptying into you as he held your head steady.

"Lick it clean," he ordered, once the spurts finished, and you dutifully obliged. Licking the residue of his seed off his tip and shaft, which still stood semi hard in front of you.

He lifted you up and pressed his lips to yours - tasting himself on your tongue. His hands moved to the back of your dress, unclasping the buttons and letting it fall to the floor next to his trousers. His hands roamed over your body - your full, sensitive breasts, making you shudder slightly, and over your 4month baby bump. The first real contact he'd made with it, other than when you shared a bed and his arm would drape over you. He hadn't touched you intimately since Ada had told you it was a girl six weeks ago during a visit to Arrow House, apparently sharing her late aunt's gift.

Your underwear was discarded, and he walked you over to his desk, pushing his paperwork onto the floor in one swift movement.

"You're not going anywhere, you marry a Shelby, you stay fucking married YN," his words were calm but firm and you simply nodded, opening your legs for him like you always did.

He slid inside you in one thrust, making you cry out from the sheer pleasure of just feeling him inside you again, but his hand clamped over your mouth.

"I never said you could speak, did I? That includes any moans, pants or cries of my name YN while I fuck you into oblivion. Understood?"

"Yes Tommy..."

He slapped your cheek and held your jaw, his eyes locked firmly with yours.

"Another sound and I'll pull out - leave you hanging for another six weeks." He stuffed the panties he removed from you into your mouth and his thrusts came in earnest. One hand resting on your bump, the other on your left breast, the desk creaking underneath you as he took you hard. When you were pregnant with Daniel he was hesitant to fuck you as hard as you liked it, but you needed it - craved it - and he could never deny you.

"That feels good, doesn't it? My cock buried in your tight little walls again, making you shudder? Making your fucking legs shake?"

You nodded, tears in your eyes and desperate to cry out as you felt your walls pulsating with your impending orgasm.

"My mouthy little whore wants to cum, doesn't she?"

You nodded again, barely able to breathe with the panties in your mouth, even less so when his hand gripped your throat. Just gently, he never did this to hurt you - but he knew how much you loved it.

"Then cum for me - make a mess on my cock - silently YN, not a fucking sound..." His eyes were feral, staring deep into yours as you came, biting down on your own underwear to keep from screaming as your orgasm ploughed through you - your release coating his cock.

"That's my girl, knew you could be quiet when you wanted to, just needed a firm hand on your throat and an even firmer cock in your pussy, didn't you?"

He kept ramming himself inside you, and you knew you'd cum again before he did - one orgasm was never enough for your husband, he needed to feel you fall apart at least twice before he was satisfied.

His thumb rolled over your clit, enticing another orgasm from you as he rolled his hips, so close to his own release.

"One more YN... One more..."

Who were you to deny him? The most powerful man you'd ever met, the one you could never say no to, even if you wanted to. Even when you were so unbelievably mad at him...

His thrusts came quicker, his thumb pressed harder, and once again you crumbled around him - gripping onto the sides of the desk behind your head. You felt the panties being pulled out your mouth suddenly.

"Say my fucking name," he ordered, "Scream it!"

"Tommy... Tommy... Fuck.... Oh fuck don't stop!" Your voice must've carried throughout the house and you were grateful your boys were out at Charlie's yard for the day...

With a loud roar, you felt his cock pulsate and a warm flood of his seed, ropes and ropes of it, filled your wet walls.

His body collapsed over yours, his arms holding himself up so as not to crush your bump. You caught your breath and stroked his head, leaning on your chest.

"Talk to me Thomas..."

"I'm scared, YN."

"Of what?"

"Dying."

"Tommy?" You pulled his head up, and looked him square in the eye.

"I thought... I thought if you hated me, it would make it easier to move on."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

He pulled out of you and you both redressed, then he told you. He told you what his accountant told him six weeks before.

Only it wasn't his accountant. It was his doctor. And he didn't come bearing good news.

In one five minute conversation, your entire world ended. His distance suddenly made sense, albeit in a really fucked up way. While you were carrying his daughter... Your husband was carrying a death sentence.

All you could do was hold him. Stroke his hair, hold him tight... And pray for a miracle.

************************************************************

That miracle came in the form of a newspaper article two months later. Oswald Moseley's wedding photograph. Your 'doctor' stood proudly among the guests alongside the woman he'd recommended as a second opinion... She was Diana's maid of honour.

The penny dropped for both of you.

Your husband wasn't dying... He was fit and well. A trusted doctor confirmed it the following week.

But the whole experience had left a burning hole in Tommy's life. One that could only be filled by one thing, and one thing alone.

"I make a promise to you, right here, right now," he said to you, lying in bed one morning after the boys had gone to school, your naked bodies still connected.

"Don't make promises you can't keep Tommy..."

"One more deal to be done... Then we Peaky Blinders rest."

"What deal?"

"Moseley's downfall."

[huitzilinthebudgie3]

Amor del Bueno (Love of the Good Kind)

Rating : Explict : Cursing , and Adult talk and talks about divorce and other adult themes . Talk of Miscarriage (Please let me know , if i missed anything )

Summary : Reader and the boys experince pregnancy .

Note: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to click on , hope you like it . I know the boys are a bit ooc , i don't have DID and if i offend anyone , please let me know where and how i can change it or so i can take it out of my story completely . I've also never been pregnant so let me know if i got something wrong . I tried to make it as accurate as i could This story is just something random and angst that i've written . I'm sorry for not updating as often but , i got busy with school 😅. I hope to have the next part out soon but , i don't have a set time or date . But it will be soon 😊.

Month 5 …..

Happiness and Joy… their all complicated feelings but …

Y/n sat silently as Marc lectured her about her sense of safety and recklessness , the conversation itself wasn’t uncommon. This very conversation had gotten her here in the first place, well …it had been the line of conversation that led her here.

The same cult that had tried breaking in a few weeks ago , had tried once again .

She knew why the cult was hunting her , and refused to share . She refused to let it happen . So …today she sat silently staring at nothing in particular listening to Marc’s rant that only served to remind her of her faults and failures .

And to think that all of this started because she’d wanted some freedom ….because she craved a life away from her past and to start a new beginning somewhere she’d always read about .

London was located inbetween all her childhood books , she’d loved reading of Heracles, Achilles and Hector the Trojan hero . All of those heroes had inspired her to move a bit closer to all their history , and the ability to visit Cairo and visit the Pyramids and learn the culture ….as a Mexican-American these things were wonders she’d only heard about but had never fandomed having the ability to do because she’d never met anyone that had …. It was expensive and often times was cheaper and more convenient to visit Mexico , Canada , Cuba or somewhere in the States .

But she’s deviating , Today she’d had a small amount of freedom to go to the quick check up and grab lunch before meeting Marc and possibly Layla for a consult on their latest mission . When she actually took a break enjoy the park after a doctor appointment . ….and it was all fine until her attention focused on the small ducks that waddled around wondering if it was true . If she’d actually waddle around like one soon, not being aware of the waters reflection and nearly being captured .

The cult leader- a priest of Coyolxāuhqui , sat beside her nonchalantly explained that she was of a special bloodline that was born of her deity which made her much more powerful than other avatars… Something she’d known already .But they explained He were going to sacrifice her to his goddess on the altar of god knows what . She'd snapped when a dagger was held against her belly , they'd threatened her unborn child , and blacked out honestly. And was unable to remember what happened , when she woke up she’d promptly ran and called Jake for help in the safety of a store .

However Marc had appeared and was currently lecturing her , about self-preservation. She blinked numbly as her chest tightened impossibly , tears pricking at her eyes. The Adrenaline rush was dissipating and with it her mask . Pregnancy hormones didn’t mix well with death threats from a cult .

Her will to not cry cracked a smidge more as Marc flipped , she had no idea why . He still refused to acknowledge or address the subject , however here he was lecturing her about her own safety and the babies safety. Which was unusual especially because he didn’t speak about the baby . The baby was Jake’s or Steven’s , the irony struck her each time he said it but she only ignored it . Jake and Steven were excited and attended most of the appointments when they were able, and seemed content . However Marc seemed more distant than ever . Which led her to her current predicament.

She glared at his face and searched his eyes . Her expression hopefully projected her own thoughts . The distress , panic and fear she felt ,"I Fucking know Spector ! My baby's my fucking top priority !" Marc snorted , she let go of his face "And you ? What's a baby supposed to do without you ?! You're not seriously more worried about a baby ! I get it but , aren't you more important !?" She looked him in the eyes "I'm not. my baby's top priority . Steven or Jake can help the baby or my parents can take care of the baby !" she said growled “I’m glad a baby is more important than your own fucking life ! You can’t seriously leave a baby with Steven or Jake ! Thats fucking selfish ! I don't think that’s very productive or healthy either !” he snarled back “Well then my Dad can have the fucking baby since it bother you so much ! And should anything happen to me , the baby will go to my fucking family ! And they can decide what fucking happens, spector !! And don’t act like you fucking care ! You can’t even acknowledge our baby ! You keep saying it’s Jake or Steven’s baby ! I didn’t f*ck Jake or Steven last time we talked about this shit !” she snarled back , the look on his face paused briefly before shifting from Anger to panic momentarily and then to blankness .

…. Before an expression of pure confusion …. "You alright , darlin' ?" She couldn't explain it . But this was the first time the appearance of Steven angered her, because Marc was a coward ….no he was overwhelmed. 'And you are being a bitch !' Inhaling and counting she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before sighing "Yeah , why ?" He opened his mouth briefly before shutting it and mulling over his word . Then shaking his head "No reason , love . We headin' I just don't know how to drive, " she hummed “It’s alright , we’re a block away . We can walk, “ she said softly .

Month 5 1/2

She sat silently in the annoyingly cold and uncomfortable stir-ups , her attention on anything but the person beside her who decided she wasn’t able to go alone anywhere anymore . The doctor was running late , she’d come in to check up on the baby since she had a few concerning cramps and spotting . Miscarriage and pregnancy complications were common in her family medical history . The nurse had reassured her that it wasn’t uncommon but , she decided to check on her little bean instead of waiting it out and it being an issue later on .

Steven and Jake were even on the appointments they’d attended and decided to let Marc have a shot at it . To say she was on edge was kind or putting it lightly . So Marc was only stressing her out more , reading off a few symptoms of very serious and potentially dangerous diseases and Illnesses , which only caused the pit in her belly to grow . So she’d snapped at him to shut up , which in hindsight hadn’t been the best but she was picking at her fingers and had caused a small bleed . But he shut up and read them silently , but was now humming along to 'Here we go again' by Whitesnake that was an ear-worm to her . So she glared silently which encouraged him to rebelliously hum a few words , while smirking deviously her way . It lead to a full on staring contest .

The doctor's knocking distrubed their staring contest before she turned to the doctor who hummed along to the song briefly before typing away on her computer . Marc quirked a brow at this “Good Afternoon , you're here for a check-up ?” she nodded "Yup" she added awkwardly as the doctor hummed …a new doctor she might add . One that she’d never seen before as the doctor booted up the ultrasound machine before lubing up the wand and asking her to reveal her belly . Her belly was a bit on the larger side now according to the doctor , the baby was growing normally but they had no explanation as to why her belly was so large “Mum , remember your eating for 2 but not 3 “ the doctor said in a sardonic tone , the comment made her pause briefly before shrugging , comments were always made about her figure pregnant or not . “Actually , I'm here to check on the baby . I’ve had cramps and my hips ache really bad . I also have some bleeding “ she explained before the doctor scoffed “I’m not surprised , at 105 kilos …..Perhaps a gym is needed ?” Her Usual doctor had mentioned avoiding the gym , especially with her pain tolerance. It was concerning should she tweak or hurt herself , she might not feel it . So she was forbidden , and she’d gained a normal amount . Having been at 90 kilos , she paused briefly before Marc interrupted …or Jake maybe ? She wasn't entirely sure , focusing instead on her response .

“Excuse me, but that’s a bit out of line isn’t it ?” the woman rolled her eyes “Is it ? Who are you ?! “ Whoever it was seemed annoyed "The father ! " the doctor rolled her eyes "Small amounts of bleeding are normal" the doctor grumbled "Not like this . I want to see my doctor please ! I'm concerned" The doctor was annoyed before her doctor walked on silently "Excuse me ! but you seem to have the wrong room , Ms. Shigaraki ! Being rude to a patient and brushing off concerns ! If you knew the patient you'd know that her threshold of pain is high . She's also very fit and normally is at 80-90 kilos" Before the other lady left embarrassed .

Her doctor sat down annoyed , shaking her head . "I'm sorry dear " she nodded "I just wanna know how my baby is and if everything's alright" the older lady smiled softly “Alright , let us see ! “ she said softly before dragging the probe across her belly . “Do you know the gender ? Do you want to hear their heartbeat ?” she smiled and nodded softly, seeing and hearing the baby's heartbeat “Any names for him ?” she smirked at the small screen that showed the growing baby axolotl and heard his little heartbeat “I’ve been thinking on it , and i think i have one “ she forgot Marc was there until she felt his hand grab her tightly “A boy ?” the doctor hummed showing the clear evidence “Sure is , he isn’t at all shy either . What name were you thinking mama ?” she chuckled softly “I was thinking about Hector “ the doctor chuckled adding it to the ultrasound before as she continued to scan frowning explaining that the baby was fine but , due to high stress her body was trying to deliver early on .

However at 5 ½ months the baby wasn't developed much but should it happen technology could step in . But she was on bed-rest until further notice ....

6 months

Marc was a bit more involved and laid with her when he could in her room with Achi . Jake was trying to convince her to get a house , which she didn't object to . But was hesitant to do so , because she owned a house . It was just back in the states , it was a nice house but it was in California. Which might disturb the boys as it'd uproot them , she explained that she didn't have the money to help as most of her income depended on her work . And she wasn't allowed to do much now , both Jake and Steven brushed it off with "We've got it handled , darlin' "'s or "Ya mi estas haciendo mi hijo , mi familia . Deja me garar te una casa para nosotros , Mamacita!" (You're already making my son ! Let me get you a house for us , doll !!).

So she only blinked, overwhelmed by pregnancy and emotions. And stubbornly brushed the conversation off . However Marc brought up the conversation again a week after she'd told Jake and Steven she didn't want to talk about it .

Marc was insistent and kept bringing up the conversation , so she’d stopped talking to any of them . Her stubbornness and overall leading her to ignoring the boys , she knew it was self-destructive and that it wasn’t fair but , her heart ached . Jake kept bringing up the conversation of marriage , as did Steven which ultimately led her to this situation .

Steven brought up the idea again , for the upteenth time . And for the life of her she couldn’t fight the annoyance on her face as she typed away on her laptop . Looking back , it wasn’t Steven’s fault and she acted like this because she’d talked to her parents . The situation had nothing to do with Steven , her mother who had started a new family somewhere had called her and announced that she was pregnant . Which shouldn’t have disturbed her as much as it did , but she was an asshole like that . Her mother was currently pretty far along , and wanted her to be involved as an older sister with the baby ….she wasn’t sure she could and had called her sister to confirm the news . Her sister confirmed and said that she’d be a normal amount of involved , and explained her reasoning .

She had issues and they weren’t Steven’s to bear so she ignored him “Darlin’ , didja hear me ?” she continued typing to her sister who was listening to her rant at the moment “I’m talking to my little sis , Steven . I had a rough day , I have some news“ however Steven wasn’t satisfied it seemed “I did some research , and it would be better to….um… to ya know ….tie the knot . A lot of benefits …. The baby wouldn’t grow up as different… “ she paused , her current issue at the moment was something she’d always known would happen . And it caused her chest to ache , and Steven continued to push on and before she knew it . He was kneeling beside her with a simple ring with an obsidian stone set in the center . She blinked in surprise at that before her mind literally and completely crashed , her mind and emotions numbing instantly “Whatcha say ? Marry me… well us ?” she paused at that gulping and praying that this moment would be a joke and that it was Marc pretending to be Steven . Recording a tik-tok or prank that they’d later laugh at because it gave them millions of views . There were 2 options 1. She either said yes and had a breakdown later on … or 2. She said no and possibly lost all contact with her baby daddy’s . She brushed his hair back and grabbed his face in her hands gently “Steven , can we talk about it … i-I had a bad day ….i love you …” she made eye-contact and she wished there was a way to kick her own ass , the tears that gathered in the corners of his eyes… she briefly wondered if she was the worst human being in the existence of mankind … she figured Jake was pissed ,Marc was probably celebrating honestly and pissed at her too .

She frowned as he stood up again “Guess , it’s a no ..aye ? I’m gonna go grab some take-out …do you want anything ?” she felt horrible …the way he refused to look at her . Her heartache and she honestly had no excuse as she pursed her lips “Steven ,babe…. can-” and Steven ignored her attempts “I’m going to grab some take-out. See you later, love !” she frowned deeply as he left .

Fighting the urge to scream , yell and cry , she walked to her room and closed the door .

6 ½ months

Y/n sighed tiredly as she did most of her own things , she tried not to depend too much on the boys . Saving potty breaks and allowed walks to be as frequently as possible when they were home , to let them have breaks from her . Steven still hadn’t fronted …or talked to her actually ..she couldn’t blame him she’d be pissed too . Jake kind of talked to her , but she could tell he was just as upset and stopped bringing up anything about the future . She was an asshole and she knew it , she didn’t deserve them …she knew that and deep down they had to have known that . She stared silently at Marc .. who fronted more often and only offered help when prompted ….well …what could she say ? It was Marc …he probably hated her more now . She hated herself too , what kind of asshole does that ?!

So ….here she laid in a stupid position and probably dangerous position , she’d slipped in the old shitty shower , trying to reach a bar of soap (Yes , laugh it up . Lol) and had ended up slipping on said bar of death . And landed on her ass …however her pumpkin sized bump enabled her from standing straight up . She was unable to get up , so she sat silently trapped …the boys had just left to work and she didn’t feel like wasting anymore of their time or to bug them for something so stupid . She debated on calling Layla or a friend to come and help her but she noticed she lacked her phone and couldn’t crawl out .

Later

She gasped , and screeched when she woke up again to being violently shaken from the shoulders . She blinked up at a terrified looking Jake … she honestly didn’t know because they were babbling so fast that her language comprehension crashed and rebooted “Are you okay ?!!” it was Marc and she sighed “Yeah , just fell . Freaking Bar of Death !” she grumbled “No…Are you okay ? How long have you been here ?! Your ass has a big ass bruise!!” she hummed “I fell on my ass . Uh… i think when Steven left for work this morning “ she said , watching the unreadable expression on Marc’s face “Y/n that was 9 hours ago ! You didn’t call us ?! The baby ?! Hows-Fuck !” he hissed before picking her up and carrying her to the bed . She would've preened had it literally been any other situation , but decided against it . And doing it once over , before she pointed at her phone “I was just gonna rinse off , kinda pulled a turtle on their shell move “ she muttered .. Marc only stared “What’s going on ? First you turn Steven down … now this ....Are you okay ?” she glared silently , tears pricking at her eyes “i-no “ she said stubbornly “Pregnancy brain ..or somethin’ “ she said hopeful that he’d take the bait , trying to cover herself with her blank “Y/N Colibri !!!” he said sternly , she jumped at that before sighing “Steven or Jake, here ?” Marc frowned at that “They are , why ?” she shook her head “Could you block them out ? I want to talk to just you “ she muttered .

He sighed “Fine , they're gonna be upset with you“ she snorted “Aren’t they already ?” Marc frowned “No , opposite actually . Jake messaged your sister to ask her about the situation …she said something happened" he said turning his gaze down at her “I was an asshole , i shouldn’t have… he was so sad .” she said whimpered …tears dripping down her cheeks “At first but , you told’em . We all talked about it …and you seemed blindsided …but just to ask .. why don’t you want to get married ?” she sighed and chuckled .

She looked up at him and leaned against him “I was our baby . My parents got married because of me . And it fucking sucks …” she said before pursing her lips “I’m not saying it’s gonna happen . But , last time I checked we were all at different spots . You hated me …Steven was awkward ..and Jake wanted to marry me “ she said softly “I would but , i-I don’t want to put the baby through the fallout of this . I was a product of such a relationship …i’d rather not relive my childhood . I didn’t suffer to your level but , ….” she blinked back tears “Both of my parents wanted out …when i was a little kid . And I don’t want my baby to grow up and find out … that .. I don’t want to do that ” she sobbed … and Marc rubbed her back softly “I get it ..and we won’t rush . We'll talk about it later on , okay ? We thought you didn’t want that with any of us …” Marc reassured , pulling her closer

She sighed softly and drifted off to sleep .

Note : Sorry for all the angst !!! But i know you guys love it lol :) Like i said earlier , i've been busy with life and school but i'll be updating soon , or when i can . I'll be uploading a Bucky Barnes Story in a minute . I hope to have Month 7-9 (birth lol) done in the next chapter , but we'll see . I'm don't really have a set in stone path but , i won't leave them or you guys hanging . Let me know if you guys liked it or have any questions . Or If it should've stayed in the drafts or is to much and i should delete it jk lol . Anyways , Thank you for reading , love ya guys . Bye !!!

Taglist : @erstyganestyara @lily-toxicity @kingtwhiddleston @mymarvelmasterlistblog @hell-is-mine098 @stevenandmarcslove

[smoulderingocean]

Osblaine Week Day 2: Headcanons

My list is long (though far from exhaustive haha- I could really go on forever), so it's under the cut. May we be blessed with more details in the future so we don't have to keep headcanoning them.

Holly is left-handed, just like her Uncle Josh. Nick is deeply moved by this small connection they share, feeling as if Josh lives on in her.

Nick and Holly's birthdays are both in February and are just a few days apart, with Nick's birthday coming just three days after hers. To him she is the greatest possible gift that he could ever receive. And the closeness of their birthdays has a deeper meaning too- his Mum and Josh had August birthdays that were just a few days apart.

Nick's family couldn't always afford it because money was tight and it was hard to get time off of work, but every couple of years they tried to visit Mackinac Island for a week in August to celebrate those August birthdays. Those handful of summer visits are among Nick's most cherished memories because it was the only time that his family was truly happy.

Growing up Nick was really close to his Mum. She was a very gentle, kind, and sweet person, and raised Nick to be the same. She was the head and heart of their household. When she died the Blaine family fell apart. Nick's father and Josh both struggled to function, falling deep into a pit of depression and spiralling further after they were laid off. Seeing no other alternative, Nick, himself deeply depressed, stepped up and tried to fill her place. He never felt like he was enough, because no one could ever replace his Mum.

Because he took on the head of the household role at a very young age, Nick's natural caretaking personality grew stronger, something that follows him for the rest of his life and is part of why he is such a good partner and father.

June sleeps cold while Nick sleeps hot. One night, very early on into their relationship, Nick wakes and looks over at June. He can tell from her face that she is cold and not entirely able to relax enough to sleep more deeply and get enough rest. So Nick gets out of bed and gathers his spare blanket from his trunk, tucking it carefully around her. After a few minutes, he sees June relax and fall more deeply asleep. When she awakens a couple hours later, very well-rested, she is deeply moved by the simple gesture. A gesture that hadn't been given to her in years. From then on Nick has the extra blanket out for her wrap up in. It's unspoken, but to both of them that blanket belongs to her.

Nick is a night owl while June is a morning person. This dichotomy works really well within their relationship as it allows for balance. In the mornings June wakes up early and goes for her run, then gets the kids up and going while Nick makes breakfast. Then at night Nick puts the kids to bed and stays up later than June to read, listen to music, watch tv, or just sit on the balcony and relax.

June enjoys the mornings because they're a new start, while Nick has a harder time with them because getting everyone up and going and out to where they need to be means they'll be apart for most of the day. Meanwhile Nick enjoys nights more because it's a winding down- the family is together and able to spend some quality moments with each other. At night Nick is most able to take care of everyone; there are no burdens or expectations, just love. The nights are peaceful and calming for him. For June, the nights are challenging because she finds it difficult to wind down- she enjoys being busy and being on the go, and the nighttime family rituals are the opposite. Together, Nick and June manage to balance each other out- June's drive and energy get Nick going in the mornings while Nick's tenderness and unwavering support help June wind down and relax at night.

Together, they sleep really well because they feel safe and so their subconsciouses are able to let go and relax. Without the other they struggle to get enough rest.

Nick is the cuddler of the two and really craves those moments in their relationship. The quiet warmth and comfort means so much to him and it's what he really looks forward to each night because he feels safe and loved.

One of June's favourite things to do is to watch Nick read. She finds it -the glasses and the lips pursed in concentration and the emotions on his face- incredibly sexy and she often finds herself unable to resist temptation and ends up distracting him, which Nick enjoys immensely. Nick also knows that she finds the whole thing erotic and so he puts himself into situations where he knows June will notice just what he's doing.

When they were living at the Waterford house, Nick never had to say that June was welcome to read his books, the acknowledgement that she was free to choose went unspoken between them because Nick knew that she didn't need his permission and June knew that she didn't have to ask; it was a natural thing because his apartment is was close to a home that she had in Gilead (he's her home) and so those books were as much hers as they were his.

In the Boston Globe they finally got to spend a lot of real downtime together. There they found many books, dvds, and cds that had been long-banned, left forgotten in the hastily abandoned office tower. In their free hours together they got to be a normal couple. In those hours they found that they both had an unapologetic love for Harry Potter and they enjoyed getting into enthusiastic debates about the subject. (Also, they both agreed that Nick is a Hufflepuff and June is a Gryffindor.) June loves Friends, while Nick teases her that it was before his time and that he preferred Glee, which June hated because she thought the singing was terrible. Both share a love for boy bands, with Nick's music tastes being more varied than June's and he introduces her to many good songs. Both are avid readers, but June is especially and Nick reads each and every book she hands to him.

Together they learn all sorts of things that accompany a normal, happy relationship; June can't cook worth a damn while Nick is skilled at batch meals like soups, stews, and chili. Nick loves coffee and tea equally (he's especially fond of a good Hong Kong-style milk tea, the kind his mother use to make) while June is exclusively a coffee person. Nick's favourite chore to do is laundry and June is amazed to find out that he'd often take the laundry off of Rita's hands whenever he could as she despised it. Meanwhile June's preferred chore is doing the dishes, because she doesn't contribute by and so she likes to do her bit by washing up.

In the Boston Globe, Nick finds a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and reads it in its entirety, an action that makes June cry from emotion.

While in the Boston Globe, Nick does everything he can to fulfil June's pregnancy cravings, including trading his valuable illicit liquor for her beloved Twinkies. He loved being able to do that for her because it made her smile and Nick lived for those smiles.

Both Nick and June share a commonality of being bookworms as children, a trait that they pass down onto Holly. Their favourite weekend family activity is a trip to the library.

June was in the 'in' crowd in school while Nick was more of a loner and was very quiet. June ran track and was on the swim team, and was good enough to get a partial scholarship to a good school where she majored in English. Nick never played any sports (though like all good Detroit boys, was a big hockey fan and knows how to skate, and Nick's parents, especially his father, were such big fans that they gave their sons hockey-related middle names- Joshua Gordon [after Gordie Howe] and Nicholas Stanley [after the Stanley Cup]) but he excelled at English and social studies. He couldn't afford to go to university, something that broke his father's heart as he wanted to give Nick the chance to go that he never got. (Josh meanwhile, was very artistic and was particularly good at photography- one of Nick's prized possessions is a print of one of Josh's photos. Like Nick, he couldn't afford to go to school.)

After getting into Canada together after getting Hannah out of Gilead, June and Nick and their family move from Toronto to Kelowna, finding great comfort in the mountains and also appreciating that it helps Hannah recover from what she's lived through as the mountains are comforting and familiar to her.

My biggest crack headcanon is that Nick and June have the same blood type (O+) and it was Nick's blood that was donated to help June after her haemorrhage. Nick volunteered and this action was seen as so good and so 'godly' that it was a small element in pushing Nick further up the ladder. He knew this, but selflessly gave her his blood anyway, because it was the only way he could help.

[arctic-comet]

Osblaine week 2021, Day 2: Lyrics

Over the last several weeks, I have carefully curated a playlist for Osblaine. The final total length of the playlist is 2 hours and 53 minutes.

The playlist can be found HERE

Click "Keep Reading" if you're interested in the introduction, commentary, more graphics and the full tracklist.

For full disclosure, I have to give some of the credit to my amazing fellow Osblaine fangirls @dystopiandramaqueen, @splitscreen and everyone who participated in a certain conversation for the original inspiration and even bringing up some of the songs.

You should look at the playlist in five parts: one section for each season that's aired and one section for the future (because I like to end things on a hopeful note).

The playlist contains a lot of the following:

Music from movie and TV soundtracks

Instrumental music

Remixes

Classics and covers of classics

Country music. I blame Florida. My sincerest apologies.

Some of the songs were chosen because they reminded me of a certain Osblaine scene, and some of them aren't specific to particular scenes but chosen for the general Osblaine vibe. And most of the movie/TV music I chose have been used for couples that remind me of Nick and June.

Part I- Season 1, first 12 songs of the playlist:

Forbidden Love- Abel Korzeniowski, Jasper Randall, The Hollywood Studio Symphony (Romeo & Juliet)

Fireflies- Owl City

Echoes in Rain- Enya

My Ghost- Glass Pear (Bones)

Daring to Hope- Anne Dudley (Poldark)

Everytime We Touch- Cascada

1000 Times- Sara Bareilles

Too Good At Goodbyes- Sam Smith

In Case You Don't Live Forever- Ben Platt

To Find You- Cast of Sing Street, Brenock O’Connor

She- Elvis Costello (Notting Hill)

Miracle- Instrumental- Cö Shu Nie

Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse

Commentary:

The first instrumental song IMO works as an intro for their entire love story.

The next two songs are more about having the right vibe. It's a little ambiguous and dark because that's how their life is in Gilead.

Leave my door open just a crack

Please take me away from here

'Cause I feel like such an insomniac

Please take me away from here

Why do I tire of counting sheep?

Please take me away from here

When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

***

Wait for the sun

Watching the sky

Black as a crow

Night passes by

Taking the stars

So far away

Everything flows

Here comes another new day

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

***

"My Ghost" is June's POV before they sleep together, wondering if she can trust Nick:

Who can you trust, in this place?

And whom can I put my faith?

If you're real, then show me now,

Who you are

The last two songs are for episode 1x10, for both Nick’s reaction to June’s pregnancy and the beginning of her first escape attempt (arranged by Nick).

She may be the face I can't forget The trace of pleasure or regret May be my treasure or the price I have to pay She may be the song that summer sings Maybe the chill that autumn brings Maybe a hundred different things Within the measure of a day

Part II- Season 2, next 10 songs:

Love Will Keep Us Alive- Eagles

So Easy- Phillip Phillips

Incomplete- James Bay

Rewrite the Stars- The Piano Guys (The Greatest Showman)

I’ll Be Your Shelter- Taylor Dayne

Love Never Fails- Brandon Heath

P.S. I Love You- 05:11- John Powell (P.S. I Love You)

It's A Girl- Mychel Danna (The Time Traveler's Wife)

I'll Stand By You- Josh Groban, Helene Fischer

The Miracle of Love- Eurythmics

Commentary:

The first four songs cover June’s escape attempt and the time they share at the Boston Globe.

"Incomplete" is Nick's POV from when she's on the run and he knows she'll be gone from his life soon. He lives in the moment.

I don't wanna look down

I don't want us to break up in the clouds

All I want is to stay us, to stay with you now

"I'll Be Your Shelter" is for when June's mental health is at its lowest point and he goes to Serena to beg for her to get June help.

What you need is a friend to count on

What you got baby you got someone

Who will stay when the rain is fallin'

And won't let it fall on you

P.S. I Love You takes me back to episode 2.09, Nick’s selflessness in the episode and of course the scene where after telling June that Luke loves her, he tells her that he loves her too, despite believing she probably doesn’t feel the same way.

It's A Girl makes me think of the beautiful moment they share during June's false labor when he helps her out of the van and they climb the steps together.

I’ll Stand By You is for 2.10, Nick holding June after she was heartbroken over Hannah and over what the Waterfords did to her and clinging onto him.

Part III- Season 3, next 6 songs:

Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close- Alexandre Desplat (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

All I Ask- Adele

Never Enough- Loren Allred (The Greatest Showman)

I Don’t Wanna Live Forever- Taylor Swift, ZAYN (Fifty Shades Darker)

Love is Gone- SLANDER, Dylan Matthew

Constellations- The Oh Hellos

Commentary:

For obvious reasons, it was extremely difficult to pick songs for this season.

The first (instrumental) song is for the beginning of the season with June coming back to the Waterford house and them then saying goodbye to each other on the street.

All I Ask, Never Enough, I Don't Wanna Live Forever and Love Is Gone are for their night together in June’s room at Lawrence’s (the one we didn’t get to see sigh). They know it's possible it's all they'll ever have, and they'll take it, but it'll never be enough.

I will leave my heart at the door I won't say a word They've all been said before, you know So why don't we just play pretend? Like we're not scared of what's coming next Or scared of having nothing left

Look, don't get me wrong I know there is no tomorrow All I ask is

If this is my last night with you Hold me like I'm more than just a friend Give me a memory I can use Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do It matters how this ends 'Cause what if I never love again?

***

All the shine of a thousand spotlights

All the stars we steal from the night sky

Will never be enough

Never be enough

Towers of gold are still too little

These hands could hold the world but it'll

Never be enough

Never be enough

***

I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me

I know that your love is gone

I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy

Don't tell me that your love is gone

That your love is gone

"Constellations" is for their long separation and the doubts that I'm sure plagued them both during it. Would they ever see each other again?

Part IV- S4, next 12 songs:

All of Me- John Legend

(Everything I do) I Do It For You- Bryan Adams

Iris- Natalie Taylor (City of Angels)

She Was Like A Bright Light- Hans Zimmer, Rupert Greyson-Williams (Winter’s Tale)

Noah's Last Letter- Aaron Zigman (The Notebook)

What’s In The Middle- the bird and the bee (Bones)

ivy- Taylor Swift

Footprints in the Sand- Leona Lewis

Remember Me (Lullaby)- Gael Garcia Bernal, Gabriella Flores (Coco)

On The Nature Of Daylight- Max Richter

My Heart Will Go On- Basil Jose (Titanic)

The Story- Sara Ramirez (Grey's Anatomy)

Commentary:

There were sooo many songs I wanted to include in part IV, but I controlled myself and ended up with this particular dozen.

"She Was Like A Bright Light" and "Noah’s Last Letter" are an instrumental double punch to the gut for Nick’s time in Gilead during episodes 4.07-4.09. The first one is meant for when he finds out June made it to Canada, and the 2nd for is for when he starts to gather info on Hannah to give to June.

"What’s in the Middle" and "ivy" are June’s POV of episodes 4.07-4.09.

"What's In The Middle" has more of an angry and confused vibe, and June was definitely both in episodes 7 and 8.

Losing your head is such a common theme

All your brains are falling out, falling out the open seams

Where is the heart, is the heart of the matter

I will empty out my skull of all this useless chatter

On the other hand, "ivy" has this haunted vibe, but there's also reverence and acceptance, which she begins to achieve in episode 9.

Oh, goddamn

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

Taking mine, but it's been promised to another

Oh, I can't

Stop you putting roots in my dreamland

My house of stone, your ivy grows

And now I'm covered in you

The next three songs are of course all for their reunion in 4.09, and I couldn’t resist including the song that was actually played in the scene.

"The Story" draws the season to a close nicely, with June understanding that her current needs are different from what they used to be and that there’s someone who understands her completely (and it’s not Luke).

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through like you do

And I was made for you

Part V- Season 5 and Beyond, the last 6 songs

Secret Love Song- Little Mix, Jason Derulo

Burn With You- Lea Michele

The Bones- Maren Morris

Feels Like Home- Auli'i Carvalho, Keegan DeWitt

Love Will Find A Way- Piano Covers (Lion King II)

Like I'll Never Love You Again- Carrie Underwood

“Secret Love Song” is a more angsty tune about a love that’s still kept a secret like June and Nick’s love (as far as most people are concerned). Now that they’ve already made out in front of the man who raped and abused June and made Nick watch him do that, I want to believe they can let go of the secrecy in S5, at least when it comes to a few people.

I'm living for that day Someday Can I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dancefloor? I wish that we could be like that Why can't we it be like that? Cause I'm yours, I'm yours Why can't you hold me in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dancefloor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours Why can't I say that I'm in love? I wanna shout it from the rooftops I wish that it could be like that Why can't we be like that? Cause I'm yours Why can't we be like that? Wish we could be like that

***

“Bones” is about a relationship with a strong foundation, which IMO they do have. It will carry them in the future, too. They’re more into each other now than ever before and especially June is coming to terms with how strong that love is. They’ll weather any storm.

When the bones are good, the rest don't matter

Yeah, the paint could peel, the glass could shatter

Let it break 'cause you and I remain the same

When there ain't a crack in the foundation

Baby, I know any storm we're facing

Will blow right over while we stay put

The house don't fall when the bones are good

***

“Feels Like Home” is more hopeful. Their home is with each other and I hope that’s something that will be explored more in the future.

Take me, I'm ready

Go slow but go steady

To a place that we can call our own

I wanna know what feels like home

***

“Like I’ll Never Love You Again” is a good conclusion for the playlist. It’s hopeful and a testament to an epic love.

I wanna love you like the rain on a roof

Stronger than a bottle of a hundred ten proof

I wanna take love to places that love has never been

Yeah, I wanna love you like I'll never love you again

And I'll love you again

Oh, and again

[thecampbellfam]

Alright, the infamous birth story is ready to be shared. A heads up that there are aspects of this story that are TMI (too much information) so read at your own risk. Birth can be messy. ;) It’s a long read so buckle up.

For the week leading up to D’s birth I experienced mild contractions and cramping. Baby was very low in my pelvis and my midwife said at my 38 week appointment that she anticipated me birthing prior to my 39 week appointment (spoiler alert: she was right!). On Sunday, March 21st I woke up to mild contractions. The contractions continued every 3-10 minutes from 6:30-9:30am. These abruptly stopped when the boys came in the bedroom and needed my help and attention while Nic had a shower. During the 3 hours of contractions I made the decision to cancel a lash extension appointment that I had later that day. I texted my housemate and friend, M, to see if she was free to help me power through the open jar orders that I had in case the labour picked up again.

I had a long lull between contractions so decided to capitalize on that time. M and I finished jar orders. I packed all the orders up and scheduled a Canada Post pick up for the next day. I baked myself some lactation cookies. And Nic and I cleaned the bathroom, did the dishes, washed laundry, put last minute items in the hospital bag, organized a few areas of the house, and kept the kids occupied. I had the odd contraction here or there but nothing consistent or overly painful.

By 4pm I was tired and decided to lay down. I looked up something called the Mile’s Circuit and decided to try out the recommended rest positions while I had a nap. The positions in the Mile’s Circuit are known to help reposition baby if they’re sitting off in your pelvis. This seemed to work because by 4:30pm I was having regular contractions again. Contractions were irregular in length and time between, but were coming. This continued ALL evening. The contractions started to get a bit more painful as the evening went on but were never rhythmic enough or painful enough to transfer to the hospital. I was in touch with my doula and midwife who confirmed the same information.

By 11:30pm I was exhausted, discouraged, and the contractions were beginning to get a bit more painful (though still irregular in length and time between). At midnight my doula, K, headed over. She was my saving grace. She encouraged me to labour in a few different positions, took me for a curb walk in the rain, and helped prop me up with pillows when I got tired in a way that would keep my pelvis open while I laid down. I asked her when I should head to the hospital and she said that though the contractions were strong, they were not quite rhythmic enough and I was still too coherent between them.

But at around 1:30am everything changed. I had 3-4 huge contractions laying down and then got up to use the washroom. There I entirely lost my mucus plug (up till that point I had had zero bloody show or fluid loss). I called out for K to tell her about the mucus plug, then stood up and immediately vomited excessively. I told K that we needed to leave now! Nic had been resting and quickly got up to help me to the car. Thankfully I’d had him load up the majority of our hospital items a few hours earlier *just in case* things went quickly.

By 1:54am we were on the road to the hospital with K trailing closely behind. We turned onto the main road and I had a big contraction that I couldn’t speak through while my midwife was trying to call me. When the contraction ended she said she’d meet me at the entrance of the ER. We passed a bridge and I reclined my seat as I had another massive contraction. With this one I started yelling in pain. My body was experiencing fetal ejection reflex and was trying to push baby out while I was simultaneously trying to fight to keep baby in. The feeling of fighting your own body’s urges is one I’ll never ever forget. After that contraction was an odd lull and for a moment I thought we’d make it to the hospital. However, the next contraction hit just as we were passing the pedestrian overpass along the Bypass. I yelled “Uh oh! Uh ohhh! <words I can’t repeat> Nic you need to pull over NOW!” He quickly pulled over, gestured for K to come to the car, and reached to help me. I was fully clothed and frantically needed help pulling my pants down. We got them down just enough as K came to my side. K saw that baby was crowning and with one big push she was out. K was there just in time to catch her. So at 2:05am baby girl was brought up to my chest and Nic and K quickly grabbed whatever they could from the backseat of the car to keep baby warm. A towel and Nic’s infamous highlighter yellow hoodie were the winners. K helped rub baby down to ensure she was warm and checked that she was breathing. From there we impulsively decided to continue on driving. We were in a place that would have taken an ambulance some time to get to plus it was 2am so there was nobody on the roads. I had something called Marginal Cord Insertion which can cause hemorrhaging with the birth of the placenta so I was keen to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Baby on my chest, cord still pulsing and placenta intact, and onward to the hospital we continued. It ended up being the calmest ride and I kept remarking at how amazing it was to have her out while Nic kept commenting on how insane and badass this all was. The relief of having baby girl out was incredible. I’ve been asked a lot if I have trauma from the car birth and I honestly don’t. It was such a relief to have baby out and that she and I were healthy.

We pulled up the hospital shortly after and were greeted by our midwife and a team of nurses ready with a wheelchair, warm towels and blankets. They helped me out of the car and then wheeled us up to the delivery floor. I was greeted by a lot of surprised and impressed nurses. Baby and I got checked over, the cord was cut, and I birthed the placenta. I was stitched up and then we spent a couple hours in the birthing room for monitoring. Afterwards we were transferred to a maternity room and spent a quiet morning and early afternoon snuggling baby girl, having cat naps, watching the sun come up, and even sneaking in a shower. Our short hospital stay was so calm and relaxing so I’m glad we weren’t discharged as early as I was initially hoping. Given that it was baby #3 for us the nursing staff really only came in to go over what’s required and we were largely left alone. Baby and I were deemed healthy and we were discharged at 2:30pm.

We took our time heading home to give my sister time to be there first. She photographed our oldest meeting his brother for the first time and offered to do the same when we brought baby girl home. The photos from both of these photoshoots are cherished and I’m beyond grateful for my sister making the time to capture them.

A few fun facts:

* I selfishly didn’t want to share my birthday with baby girl. Shared birthdays can be tricky and I wanted her birthdate to be her own. She was born 5 days after my birthday allowing us both our own days. I had told Nic that I wanted to be done having kids by 30 so her arriving 5 days past my 30th was pretty bang on.

* Midway through my pregnancy my midwife recommended that I pack an “if I birth in the car” kit for the car, given how quick my active labours were with my last two births. This recommendation put a bug in my ear that my baby could be born in the car.

* A week and a bit before baby girl was born I sobbed listened to a Birth Hour episode about a car birth. I often tear up listening to birth stories but this particular story struck me differently.

* Our doula knew things weren’t going great on the hospital drive because Nic kept slowing down and speeding up (which correlated with my contractions).

* Many have asked about how Nic’s car fared in the birth. This is wild. When Nic got home from work on Saturday he let the boys come out and play in the car for a few minutes with him. Our younger son accidentally left the passenger door open a crack. Not enough to drain the battery but enough for the passenger seat to get absolutely soaked in the overnight downpour. Nic saw that the seat was wet when he loaded up the car with hospital bags and put one of our (new) thick towels on the seat so that my butt wouldn’t get wet. When I was transferred to a wheelchair at the ER entrance, Nic lifted the towel and the seat was COMPLETELY DRY AND CLEAN!

* Baby girl was born at the perfect time. Nic was on his weekend, our housemates were free to watch the boys, K was available to attend the birth and my sister was free to photograph the boys meeting their sister.

* Registering baby’s birth was fun. I had to call up Vital Statistics who had to look on a map to figure out the postal code for the area that I birthed in, since she wasn’t born at a fixed address.

[harveywritings92]

Fatgum x OC: The Adventures of Manly Sherlock & Wattson.

Summary: It all started when Kirishima finds a positive pregnancy test The Fatgum's agency bathroom, it's been a very slow week so him and his bro Denki are on the case the to find out whose pregnant.

=============================================

"Okay, I've compiled a list of suspects for us to interrogate, mostly girls we know and what guys they're intimate with."

"Why are Vi-shock and Fatgum crossed out?"

"Because my dear Denki, this *shows test in a zip-lock bag* is one of those clear-blue tests! I'm sure you've seen those commercials, they're supposed tell how far along in the lady is, It's says four weeks... That was during that charity auction for the children's hospital."

" Oh right, it can't be Santiago-san she was in Canada for her friend's wedding."

Kirishima nodded as they looked down at the list of suspects and who to question... first up!

Izuku and Casey:

(Casey got a summer job a secretary for while Fatgum's regular secretary was on vacation.)

Oh lord have mercy on these to poor nerds the second Denki flashed that pregnancy test in their faces and started grilling them on their private affairs, Casey managed to sputter out a meek "I'm not pregnant.." before going ghost white and fainting, while a red faced Izuku who caught her managing to stutter out that they can't be pregnant! they haven't even slept together... yet, the farthest they've gone is making-out! Kirishima was surprised to hear this little tidbit "What? but you were tellin' Me and Uraraka that the two of you sleep together all th-" Then penny dropped at the redhead caught on awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Oh! you meant sleeping as in actual sleep, not..." Izuku shot him a look that screamed please leave and saw his eyes flash he was getting mad. " Ok Well, we'll just be going now!" he and Denki ran leaving the flustered couple to cool down.

{Izuku and Casey}

Shoto and Saika

Long story short Shoto was on patrol during the event and Saika was home sick, so it couldn't have be them, they always used protection then the Bi-haired teen shot the mystery solving duo a look that could both boil and flash freeze the sea in a second. which scared off Denki and Kirishima.

Shoto and Saika

Katsuki and Kaya:

(Kaya is also interning with Fatgum)

"OH HELL NO! YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT I'D DO IT WITH MY GIRL WITHOUT WRAPPING IT?" the Ash blond raged while his girlfriend calmly sat next to him waiting for him to get it out of his system. "We always use protection and I have an BC implant." Kaya chimed while her boyfriend snarled at them. "AND EVEN IF I HAD KNOCKED HER UP, DO YOU TWO DUMDASSES HONESTLY THINK I'D BE ALIVE TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW?!?" his voice cracked a bit; Kaya sweat dropped as a frigid tidal-wave fear settled in causing the teens to shiver... Bakugou had a point, if he had gotten Kaya pregnant, All-might would've killed him and Dabi would see to it that no one will ever find his body...which would be nothing but a pile of dust blowing in the wind!

(Dabi's reformed in this, and is living with his aunt and uncle as he wants nothing to do with Enji.)

With that Denki and Kirishima sulked away defeated as Katsuki was grumbling to Kaya about what just and how those two idiots are gonna be screwed, Kaya hummed in agreement "All they gotta do is ask the wrong person and BAM! they're missing some teeth!" the honey blonde huffed as a frazzled Violet walked passed them on the street not paying attention to what the teens were talking about. 

Katsuki and Kaya

Dabi and Nanami:

{Nanami briefly rented her services out to Fatgum while Tamaki was sick, she and Dabi went to the auction in place of Ame and Toshinori.)

Not gonna touch that one with a sixty foot pole Kaminari and Kirishima would like to live to see tomorrow thank-you... Plus they concluded that if Nanami were truly pregnant? they highly doubt Dabi would let her go off on her own doing dangerous mercenary work, essentially putting herself and their baby in danger.

He'd sooner bow his head to Endeavor before that’ll happen!

Dabi and Nanami

----------------------------

After patrol

Denki and Eijirou had pretty much forgotten about the pregnancy test as patrol had picked expectantly, the teens collapsed on the couch exhausted while Fatgum was typing out their schedules for the next patrol, while enjoying a couple bags of chips as the yellow haired teen yawned reached into his pocket he felt the zip-lock bag with the pregnancy test just chilling there and then like that he remembered their investigation this afternoon.

 "Whoa Wait, I forgot! Who the hell is pregnant bro??" He asked Kirishima who had also forgot about their little quest, the redhead sat right up and pulled out their list, as Fatgum froze mid type and looked at the teens aghast at what he had just heard. "Whadda talkin' bout now?!" he asked brows furrowed in concern that one of them was going tell the BMI hero; that Kaminari or Kirishima got a girl pregnant, A bunch of what ifs started filing through the blond's head and was freaking out!

Denki not reading the mood spoke up "Kirishima found a pregnancy test in the bathroom downstairs and we checked with all the girls who attended the auction four weeks ago, It wasn't any of them." Taishiro relaxed seeing that there wasn't going be some "Sidekick teen pregnancy scandal!" headlined in the news anytime soon... but then there was a knock at the door and Violet walks in with this nervous aura around her.

Tai broke into a big grin. "Darlin' Wha a surprise!" the red haired woman fidgeted with her shirt as she warily eyed Kirishima and Kaminari then looked back at her fiancé she bit her lip before taking a deep shaky breath. "h-Hey. Can we talk, maybe in private?" Violet murmured looking like she about to burst into tears, as her tall lover looked at her worried "Why? what's...." 

A tense silence a fills the office as Taishiro's heart sped up as he recalled what Denki had said... *Four weeks...four weeks ago, Violet came back from her trip early and surprised him! they slipped away from the auction for a quickie...Taishiro couldn't remember if he wore a condom or not, he was so happy to see his dumpling again! * His face was stuck on stun, as their sidekicks stared at the couple jaws dropped.

Only for Taishiro to snapped out of it when saw how scared Violet was which confused him. D-did she think he doesn't want it??? Why would she think that? they've talked about having kids befo-...he then remembered the two teens gawking and the tall blond realized this wasn't the right environment to discuss this! "Ah... boys you got the day off tomorrow!" he announced ordering them out of the room before getting on the intercom and telling everyone to pack up, they were closing down early for the night! 

Taishiro made sure everyone was gone before sitting down and talking to Violet for the first hour or so, it felt surreal at first! it was most when had she suspected she was pregnant and if the test was accurate or not? "I'm not really sure, I just started craving watermelon and cream cheese...things started connecting from there." She wasn't really sure how reliable that test was, but she had set a doctor's appointment for tomorrow, the blond noticed she was still nervous about this whole thing, hell! He was nervous about this whole thing!

*A dad...* he chuckled as blush and wide smile adorned  his features *'m' gonna be a dad!* he felt warm and fuzzy as he put his palm on Violet's soft tummy there's a little jellybean in there... "S-so you're mad at me?" Taishiro's bubble was deflated for a second as his yellows eyes met met with his fiancée's nervous gaze. "course not! Why I be mad? yer giving me a gift 've only thought would be happen in my dreams." he said kissing Violet's hair, her forehead, her cheek, saving her tummy for last, causing her breakdown in into happy tears as she'd been freaking out all day, so much so that she was mentally preparing herself for rejection, being a pro-hero is serious business and a lot of people would rather choose their careers and fame over having a family and both Taishiro and Violet had seen from the sidelines what that does to people.

Taishiro assured Violet that this was what he wanted and nothing was going change that, he was going to be there for every step of the way! there were a lot of congratulations throw around when news got around about the pregnancy. Taishiro was very doting and protective of Violet at her belly got bigger, he even hired Dabi of all people to be her bodyguard when he was unavailable, the ex-villain turned freelancer made sure no one messed with her while she was out and about, if he did see someone looking at her funny; once they realized who he was they'd back off unless they wanted to be a pile ash.

--------------------------

Cut to 9 months later in the dead of winter after a heavy snowstorm; there's a photo of Dabi circulating, consisting of him posing in front of a sleeping Violet whose being held by Fatgum, while she's holding a baby, swaddled in said ex-villain's jacket while an ambulance arrives in the background with the caption: [It's a girl!] which is published in the news papers. ["Ex-Villain delivers Pro-hero's baby in freak snowstorm!"]

[allie1804-fan]

Kerensa

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5 , Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

Chapter 9

The Griefcast Record

Keanu got out of the taxi at Whistledown Studios and headed in. Cariad and the recoding team greeted him and they got set up with teas, biscuits and a box of tissues on the table

“God, it’s just like a therapist’s room!” he joked

“Best to be prepared! They might be for me anyhow” she laughed.

Before we start though, can I just spend a moment being a fangirl and just say how amazing it is for me to meet you. There are so many films of yours I love – and my kids adore Duke Caboom!”

“ahh yes, Canada’s Greatest Stuntman” he boomed - “that was a fun role”

“and so perfectly cast right?”

“Yeah yeah I guess. I’m glad they picked me from the roster of Canadians they had lined up!”

“Ok, so thanks for letting me just gush for a moment! Are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be!”

“First tell me the story of how we managed to get you as a guest.”

“Ok so right, so errm my friend Kerry is the link. I was filming in Cornwall this past year and uh, after we wrapped I was so charmed by the place that I decided to stay and rent a place for a couple of months down there. Kerry was my landlady and one day I came across her walking along the beach, tears streaming down her face and she was listening to your show which she highly recommended to me. I admit it took a bit of persuading to listen, given the crying thing!, but she told me it was more reassuring and uplifting than upsetting. Anyway, so sorry, this is turning into a shaggy dog tale!, so I did give it a go, really loved it

“Oh thank you”

“So then one day we were discussing an episode about baby loss, something we had in common and had talked about before and she said I should do the show. Now THAT took a lot more thought and persuasion, but she said it would do me good and there would be the angle of the man’s perspective and being someone with a public profile going through loss and you know yada, yada yada so here I am, finally!

“That’s amazing and thank you so much to Kerry for listening to the show and for your persuasive talents in getting this lovely man here today. So Keanu, as you know we always start with this question. Who are we remembering today?”

“Today we’re remembering my daughter Ava who was stillborn 23 years ago this year.”

“Ok so would you mind telling me a little bit about what happened.”

“So, ahh, it was in the spring of 1999. The Matrix had just come out and my life was pretty full on. My girlfriend Jennifer became pregnant around that time. It was unplanned and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t super happy about it at first, but she wanted to keep the baby and I said I’d support her, you know, and as time went on I was more excited than worried about becoming a dad.”

“And how was the pregnancy? How far along was Jennifer when Ava died?”

“Everything seemed fine, she, Ava was growing and developing normally. Jen was healthy. Then I was away filming, a god awful project as well! And, Um, ahh, give me a minute” Keanu cleared his throat and took a drink of water.

“I swore I wouldn’t do this” he said gesturing at himself tearing up, his voice cracking slightly “but sometimes, the memories can be, uhhh, very powerful, very vivid”

“Yes you can be taken right back like it just happened can’t you, however long ago - you know I’m 20 plus years out now and still very occasionally I can be catapulted back there. So, everything looked good but you were away, filming - and I’m sure it can’t have been an awful film”

Keanu snorted

“I assure you it was!, yes anyway, Jen went for a last check up at a little over 8 months and uh, there was no heartbeat. Ava had died and so I flew home and she had to, you know, give birth in a maternity unit, hearing all the other babies being born - I mean they have to do it there because you still might need, you know, that expertise and they tried to keep us private but those places they get busy and she had to go through all that with those sounds sometimes breaking through”

“Yes I hear that that is a common experience here in the UK too and one that SANDS, the still birth charity is trying to address. It’s interesting your choice of words: “she went through that”, presumably you were there so didn’t you go through it too?”

“Yeah, yeah - I guess, I just meant that it was worse, more traumatic mentally for her and obviously physically too”

“Sure sure, but awful for both of you nonetheless”

“Indeed, it was” Keanu paused a moment as though something important had just occurred to him “and she was beautiful too you know”

“awwwww” Cariad moaned sympathetically

“she was beautiful, perfect and warm, just silent, still”

Keanu looked up at Cariad, his eyes filled with tears once more and they both just sat for a moment, taking in the pain of his loss. Eventually, Cariad started the conversation again.

“And did you both hold her? Did the hospital staff help you, you know, to say goodbye to her?”

Yeah yeah, we did hold her. They left us be for a good amount of time, they took prints of her hands and feet and a photograph. You know they were supportive in that way, especially as we knew already, you know, that she had died, they were prepared. I don’t think we were, I mean I don’t think you can prepare for that, right? Your brain won’t let you, not really.”

“Yeah yeah, we talk about that a lot on the show, there are people who say it’s better when someone dies of an illness so you know it’s coming whereas with a sudden death you suffer more shock but I still think there’s a degree of shock you experience even when you have some warning.

“Yeah yeah and it’s so stupid, we’re all just so dumb because death is coming man, to us all but we just don’t want to think about it!” He chuckled

“So are you someone who thinks about death a lot?”

“Yeah yeah it’s always there in the back of my mind, spurring me on to do things, make that film, write that script, build that bike!”

“And do you think that’s because of losing Ava?”

“I don’t know, no not really, well maybe a little but that’s come more with getting older I think - I didn’t really have that reaction at the time”

“So what was your reaction, how did you grieve for Ava?”

Another chuckle came from Keanu.

“A more appropriate question might be how didn’t I grieve for her, at the time I mean!”

“Oh?”

“Hee hee you’re like a therapist, leaving the gaps for me to fill!”

“Some of my critics say I interrupt too much and start talking about me so…..”

“We’ll that’s not very nice is it? And also not true!”

“Thanks - Comes with the territory I guess, so please, go on, fill the gap”

“What was the question again?”

“It was about how you did or didn’t grieve for Ava after her birth?”

“Mmmm well we buried her, in the new year, she was born on Christmas Eve, which is uhhh, another tricky thing about it”

“Oh that’s awful, death on high days and holidays just adds another layer right?”

“Yeah yeah. They do - so um after that I went to Georgia to shoot a movie!”

“So you threw yourself into work then?”

“Yup, my trusty friend in times of crisis. In fact I did, let me see, 1, 2, 3, yes 3 movies in the next year and then started training for the Matrix 2 and 3 so I guess the answer is I put my feelings in a tightly locked metaphorical box and didn’t open it for quite some time!”

“And was there intrusion from the press , I guess this is pre the days of the internet being so developed and social media but how was that side of it?”

“Yeah there was some, you know photographers with long lenses at the cemetery”

“God! I can’t imagine”

“Yeah pretty low, right but in a way because of the taboo of stillbirth, people, you know interviewers and stuff, didn’t ask me about it. I mean I would sometimes say “no personal questions” but at other times that hasn’t stopped people.”

“Oh like what?”

“I’m thinking of when River, River Phoenix died, even if I said I wouldn’t answer anything personal they would still ask how I felt, did I miss him. I mean, fuck! Oh sorry I can swear right?”

“Swear away, sure, and god, fuck yeah, that deserved it. I mean obviously that’s a bit of a contradiction coming from me given we’re here and I’m making you talk about private things but”

“But I agreed, that’s the deal here, it’s not the deal to segue from “how was it jumping onto a moving bus to “how do you feel about your best friend dying!”

“Absolutely. So you said you dealt with it, but much later? What about Jennifer, how did she cope?”

“Umm, I don’t know - I mean what’s normal in that situation? She cried, she wailed like a wounded animal. Her mum moved in. I was away and not there to support her like I should have been. We weren’t really a couple either by then. We were going to co-parent but not as a romantic couple you know so it was complicated. To be honest I think a little bit of her died right then - and then she died herself the following April so you know, what you see before you is the last man standing of that family unit that might have been.”

“Woo that’s tough. You’ve really been through the mill as it were.”

“Yeah, yeah but you know I AM still standing. I’m lucky.”

“And how did Jennifer die?”

“Car wreck”

“I’m so sorry”

“Thanks, me too”

“So how is that, being the only one left? Some people talk about losing key people as losing their witness.”

“Yes! That’s it, exactly. Now it’s just me here to remember Ava, to remember her coming in and out of this world”

Yeah yeah that’s hard. So you said you dealt with it later? How did that come about?”

“Midlife crisis I guess - when I turned 40, I had a bit of a meltdown, you know, wondering about my goals, what I had or hadn’t achieved. I basically “ran away” alone to Paris on my 40th birthday, to escape any awful surprise party! And you know, I quietly fell apart in a vat of wine! When I went home my friend Janey was just like “Keanu, it’s time, time for therapy!”

“Ahhh it’s great isn’t it, big fans of that on the show!”

“Yeah I guess, I mean, ahhh I wasn’t that comfortable taking the lid off but yeah it did me a favour and helped sort my shit out. And a lot of the guilt and pain of losing Ava was gone through belatedly during that process”

“And why did you feel guilty?”

“Mmmm well I think I started to think I was a curse - my sister had been sick with leukemia, Ava had died, Jen had died, River, others as well and I felt guilty for that stupid film I was working on when it happened! So yeah, there were lots of rocks to lift up, inspect what lay beneath and deal with my emotions.”

“Well you seem like you have your shit sorted now”

“I’m a work in progress!”

“So now you’re, 23 years on, how do you remember Ava and Jen now.”

“Well it’s hard to forget the day for Ava what with it being Christmas Eve. I sometimes visit their graves - after dark if I can to avoid being hounded”

“What has the world come to when a person can’t be left in peace to visit a loved one’s resting place”

“Yeah it’s fucked up right?”

“Precisely.”

“And what else? , well I do have one little thing that my friend Alex who’s an artist, made for me. It was because of something she said she did to remember her lost loved ones. She would get a Christmas ornament that in some way represented the person and hang it on her tree at Christmas. So she made this beautiful little stained glass bird to hang up on my tree or in the house if I don’t have a tree which sometimes happens. So, uh, Ava’s name in Latin would mean bird or bird like so that’s why she did that, yes so I always think of her then and you know I would think about where she would be at a given point like when my friends kids have started school again after summer break I would think “oh Ava would be starting you know kindergarten or elementary school etc.”

“And do your family share in that?”

“Yeah, yeah - especially my mom. She has no grandchildren so yeah she remembers and we’ll have a moment sometimes yeah but it can be lonely, not having the other parent there who shares the same loss.”

“Yes I’m sure it is. Grief can be very lonely sometimes. Well, Keanu I really can’t thank you enough for coming on my little podcast and sharing your experience of baby loss and loss in the public spotlight with us today. Thank you so much for telling us about your beautiful baby girl Ava and her mum Jen.”

“Thanks for having me - I know this might sound weird, but it’s been a pleasure talking with you and remembering them today so, thank you and thanks to Kerry who suggested it. She said it would be good for my soul and she, as always, was right!”

@fortheloveoffanfic @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @toomanystoriessolittletime @ladyreapermc @paperplanesandwallflowers @patric9

[broadstbroskis]

surprises- pt 1 | mat barzal

welp, here we go with barzy baby fic! how long’s it going to be? your guess is as good as mine! but i’m excited to start sharing with you guys and i’d love to hear what you think!

warnings: mention of the pandemic/quarantine

-----

The timing was pretty poor, you could acknowledge that. 

Stuck in your apartment as a result of social distancing, you’d grown bored quickly. Working from home was only so exciting and your company’s slack channel was often getting more and more ridiculous as you and your coworkers searched for things to talk about (debates had thus far included best and worst Taylor Swift song, best and worst Harry Potter book, and ranking coworkers' new baby names).

Your roommate had left you on your own, in favor of quarantining herself with her relatively new boyfriend (ignoring your cries of betrayal as she left) so when your neighbor and friend from across the hall had come knocking, you welcomed him with open arms. “I’m bored out of my mind.” Your eyes are wide as you pull him inside.

“How do you think I feel?” You didn’t even notice the bottles of wine in Mat’s hands but you’re grateful for them as he settles them on the counter. “The only thing I can do is workout right now.”

You give him a look. “Yeah, because that’s what you need to be doing.”

“I’m going to lose my washboard abs.” He whines overdramatically, and that’s what sets you off.

Technically you’re still supposed to be working, but you know for a fact you’re not the only one who’s started drinking already and as long as you stay logged in for the next hour, no one will care. You and Mat quickly work your way through the first bottle and he’s popping the second one, while you log off your work account and place the take out order for pizza. 

The second bottle goes almost as quickly, but then the two of you slow down once the food arrives. Mat pops the third bottle in your apartment after dinner, when the two of you settle in together, very closely, much closer than usual, for some Netflix.

You’re not really sure who makes the first move; you know you’re leaning against him and that his arm is around you, brushing against your shoulder, but the next thing you remember, you’re in his lap and his hands are eagerly tracing every bit of skin they can find.

That you end up in bed after that isn’t surprising. That it keeps happening is a little surprising. But, well, there’s not really a lot else to keep you occupied.

And it’s lot more fun to spend your days fucking Mat than doing almost anything else. There’s apparently a lot you two have been missing out on that you could have been doing. 

Eventually, things go back to normal- or as normal as they could be after the pandemic that occurred-and despite the fun the two of you had during your quarantine, you fall easily back into friends and neighbors. Mat gets back to real training, a modified game schedule, and then into playoffs, where after crashing and burning in the first “round” (if you’d like to call it that), he heads back home to Western Canada for a shortened summer to catch up with family and friends.

You’re back at work, excited to be with people again. You and your coworkers institute happy hour Friday’s, where you all start ducking out of work two hours early-summer hours, your boss is calling them, completely ignoring the fact that no one else in your company is having them-to go to the bar, hang out, and just catch up after spending the long weeks apart. They usually end up turning into more of a shit show, with the office group chat often blowing up the next morning with complaints about how hungover people are.

It’s after one such happy hour that you first notice your issue. You wake up Saturday morning, roll over, and then immediately rush into the bathroom to throw up. Within the next hour, that happens four more times. 

You’re lying as still as possible on the couch in the living room when your roommate comes out of her room and straight up laughs at your misery. “It’s not funny.” You whine at her, even though it makes you kind of nauseous to even talk.

“Yes it is.” Molly snickers. “You were home by like 8. For a lightweight like me to get to sit here and watch you be hungover as fuck when you didn’t even have this crazy night, this is my Christmas. Welcome to the club, bitch!” She cackles, not unkindly, but definitely remembering all the times that you and your friends had laughed at her when she’d been in your position.

You barely even hear her, as the first part of her sentence registers, and you bolt upright, immediately regretting it as you do so. You were home by 8. You hadn’t even had that much to drink, begging off a third drink after a headache had started. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be feeling this way.

“You’re right!” You’ve learned from your mistakes and you slowly lower yourself back down to the couch. “I must have eaten something funny.” You’re already starting to feel a little better, you think; it wasn’t nearly as nauseating to lower to the couch. You’re actually almost feeling like you could stomach some food.

“Ugh.” Molly scoffs in disgust. “Couldn’t you just let me have this?”

“Want to watch some Netflix and order breakfast?”

“Fine.”

And as the day goes on, you feel a ton better, even feeling well enough to join Molly and her boyfriend for dinner at one of your new favorite places. It’s another early night and you hold off on booze, just because your stomach’s still feeling kinda queasy from the morning.

And it’s full on rolling again the next morning. You’re back in the bathroom again first thing, which is where Molly finds you, a look of concern on her face. “So, what’s going on?”

You close your eyes, a little more sure that the nagging thought from yesterday morning might be true. “I think we need to take a walk.”

She gives you a look. “To where?”

“Drug store.”

She inhales a sharp breath. “To buy?”

“I think you know what.”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be real to me until you said it.”

You stand up shakily, reaching for your toothbrush. No use in putting this off longer than you need to. “Yeah, me either.

Molly squeezes the arm that’s reaching out for your toothpaste comfortingly and then turns to leave and get ready herself.

-----

Once you’ve got far more pregnancy tests in your basket than you’ll hope to ever need in your life, Molly looks at you. “Did you want to take them all home or?”

“Or what? Take them here in CVS? This isn’t fucking Juno, Molly! We have an apartment!”

She shrugs as the two of you start walking up toward checkout. “Maybe you just didn’t want to taint your bathroom with those memories.”

That’s a good point. “I’ll just use yours.” You crack and the two of you burst into laughter, for the first time all day.

It feels so good to laugh that you don’t even notice someone calling out for your roommate. “Moll!” You both look around for the familiar voice, searching for Molly’s boyfriend, but you’d been so distracted by your laughter that you don’t realize how close he is until he speaks again. “Holy shit! Is there uh-something you need to tell me?”

Brian’s actually right there-like standing next to you, in line. Molly’s eyes are wide, looking between you and Brian in a panic as she’s unsure how to answer, so you step up. “They’re not for her; they’re for me.”

“Oh.” Brian says. Molly breathes out a sigh of relief. He looks over at you. “Uhh. Do I need to kick somebody’s ass?”

You burst into laughter and Molly slugs him on the arm. “Bri!”

“What?” He protests. “I’m just trying to be supportive.”

You’re still laughing. “Not yet.” You tell him. “I’ll keep you posted.” Brian’s great; the more time you spend with him, the more you grow to love him and the more convinced you become that he’s absolutely perfect for Molly. But there’s a zero percent chance he’s going to be able to beat up Mat, who’s probably got a good 3-4 inches and at least 30lbs. on him. 

Brian grins. “Done deal. Should I go grab some-” He pauses. “Well I was going to ask if I should grab some booze to get this party on the road but that doesn’t seem appropriate. Sparkling cider? Orange juice?”

“There’s no point in having orange juice if there’s not champagne in it.” You tell him.

“Ohh, go hit that juice bar we were at last week!” Molly requests. 

“See you in a few!” Brian salutes.

“I love him.” You tell her, as he exits the door.

“You can have him as a baby daddy.” She offers.

“I might take you up on that.” You pay for the absurd number of pregnancy tests and begin walking with her back home.

She scoffs. “Yeah, like you’re gonna need a stand in.”

You’re actually pretty nervous of that fact.

-----

A few hours later, you’ve got a string of positive pregnancy tests sitting in a row on the living room table. Not even one negative giving you a sliver of hope. Brian and Molly are drinking for you, for all three of you, and you’re sitting in your corner of the couch numbly staring at them.

Suddenly, you can’t take it anymore. You reach for your phone and press the contact for the one voice you need to hear now.

Mat answers almost immediately, laughing, sounding like he’s having a great time, doing...whatever he’s doing back at home. Sounding young and carefree, like the 23 year old he is. Like the 23 year old you usually sound like.

“Hey!” You can practically hear him grinning through the phone.

“Hey.” You are...decidedly not grinning, but you do your best to stay upbeat and positive. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, immediately, so you must not have done too good a job.

“Nothing.” You tell him. Despite what all the tests are saying, you don’t want to say anything until you call your doctor first thing in the morning. And this certainly isn’t a conversation you want to have with him over the phone if you can help it. “Just-a little bit of a crazy weekend.” Not necessarily in the sense you’d usually be referring, but not a lie, all the same.

“Big parties?” Mat teases.

You close your eyes, taking a deep breath and trying not to cry. “Something like that.”

You can practically hear him frown. “Are you sure you’re okay, YN?”

“Yeah.” You tell him. “Just wondering when you’re coming back so I don’t have to water your plants anymore.”

“Do I still even have plants?” He asks skeptically. “I know what your black thumb is like.”

“I guess you’ll see when you come back!” The answer is no. There were no plants. You and Molly kept swearing you’d go out and replace them with new ones before he came back, but you were sure he’d be able to tell. He always could.

Mat laughs. “I know what that means.” In the background, you hear someone call for him and he shouts for them to fuck off. 

“You got to go?”

“We’re about to go finish our hike.” Mat says, apologetically. “Have to get down the mountain now.”

“Ugh.” You scrunch your nose.

“Alright, city girl.” He teases. “I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon!”

“Excuse you, I am from Larchmont!”

He laughs again. “I think that’s probably worse.”

“Don’t fall down the mountain.” You tell him dryly.

“Is Molly there? I want to make sure you aren’t holding a voodoo doll right now.”

You laugh. “Bye Mat.” He bids you the same and you hang up, feeling much better than when you called.

Still anxious as shit, but at least Mat is still the same Mat.

You wonder for how long that will last after you tell him.

[aion-rsa]

The Handmaid’s Tale Season 3 Recap: Baby Nichole, June’s Flight Plan and the Waterfords’ Fall

https://ift.tt/3gvFaYa

Warning: contains major spoilers for The Handmaid’s Tale seasons 1-3.

After the misery of season two, which slouched from one cruelty to the next, The Handmaid’s Tale season three owed viewers some victory. Broadly, that’s what it delivered. We saw Fred and Serena’s marriage implode, June make new alliances in the Lawrence house, and cracks begin to appear in Gilead. 

First, the regime lost baby Nichole and Emily over the Canadian border, and then it lost the Waterfords – now both under arrest and facing trial for their actions. Finally, Gilead suffered the loss of its most precious asset: children. June and her collaborators risked their lives to rescue 86 children and infants, carrying out a plan to successfully spirit them away on a plane to Canada. 

With season four approaching, here’s a recap of what changed in season three, and where everybody was left…

June Osborne, From Survivor to Badass

If seasons one and two were all about June becoming a survivor of Gilead, enduring its brutality but not breaking, season three was all about her burning it down. A radicalised June transformed from survivor to resistance fighter, sacrificing people and to some extent, her compassion in service of that goal. 

The last we saw June in the season three finale, she was being carried away by the Handmaid resistance after getting shot. Her plan had worked – a network of Marthas and Handmaids had smuggled the stolen children of Gilead to Commander Lawrence’s house. From there, they’d hiked to an airport and got the children onto a plane, creating a diversion so it could take off. 

It was a hard won victory. At the start of season three, June’s focus was on her and Luke’s stolen daughter Hannah, now Agnes Mackenzie. Hannah was the reason June didn’t escape to Canada with Emily and Baby Nichole in the season two finale; this time, she vowed not to leave Gilead without her. June visited Hannah at her home, and later tried to see her at her heavily guarded school, as a result of which Hannah’s much-loved Martha was hanged and the Mackenzie family left the district for an unknown location. 

Distraught at losing the chance to reunite with Hannah, June attacked Ofmatthew (Ashleigh LaThrop) – the pregnant Handmaid who’d informed on her aborted Hannah visit to Aunt Lydia – and encouraged her friends to alienate and bully her. Cruelly, June told Lydia that Ofmathew had confessed to feeling ambivalent about her third Gilead pregnancy, an unthinkable crime in this world. Ofmatthew eventually snapped, stealing a Guardian’s gun and attempting to shoot Lydia, but was shot by a Guardian and went into a coma as the doctors tried to save her unborn baby. Forced to pray at Ofmatthew’s bedside until the baby was delivered as punishment, June went through her own rebirth of sorts. After Janine caught her trying to disconnect Ofmatthew’s ventilator and told her she was being selfish, June understood the error of her ways. Separated from her own daughters, she promised the unconscious Ofmatthew that she would help Gilead’s other children, and hatched a plan.

To pull it off, she needed the assistance of Commander Lawrence, the head of June’s new household after the Waterford house burned down, and the man who had helped Emily escape after she attacked Aunt Lydia in the season two finale. Lawrence was an economist whose ideas were used in the creation of Gilead, but who was trapped inside the regime, which he covertly opposed. He secretly refused to carry out the monthly Ceremony in which Commanders and their wives raped Handmaids, and pretended not to notice his staff running Mayday operations from his home. If he and his much-loved and mentally unstable wife Eleanor ever escaped Gilead, he would be imprisoned for war crimes, keeping them in place.

An increasingly ruthless June manipulated Eleanor into helping with her unsuccessful visit to Hannah’s school. Eleanor was put under more pressure when Fred Waterford, in an act of characteristic cruelty, forced the Lawrences to rape June as part of the ‘Ceremony’ to prove their loyalty to Gilead. It was after the rape that a sickened Lawrence agreed to help June’s plan by providing a truck to transport the kids to the airport.  Afterwards, when June walked in on a dying Eleanor who’d taken a deliberate overdose, she chose not to resuscitate her and watched her die. June saw Eleanor as a liability who would put the rescue plan in danger, and so she sacrificed her for the greater good. 

Read more

TV

The Handmaid’s Tale Season 4 Teaser Says Unite and Fight

By Louisa Mellor

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The Handmaid’s Tale Sequel In the Works at Hulu

By Alec Bojalad

June’s ruthlessness in season three culminated in the murder of Commander Winslow at Jezebels. June had made Commander Lawrence take her to the illegal brothel used by Gilead’s Commanders, so that she could arrange the plane to rescue the children through a contact who worked behind the bar. Seeing June there, Commander Winslow attempted to rape her in his hotel room, but June fought back and killed him. The other women at Jezebels disposed of his body and Winslow was officially recorded as missing. 

From survivor to freedom fighter to murderer to… what will June be in season four? By the looks of this trailer, next on the list could be war hero. 

Baby Nichole, Serena and Fred Waterford: Loss, Lies and Betrayal

At the start of season three, Serena Waterford looked like a candidate for becoming a double agent in the fight against Gilead. The Sons of Jacob had maimed and humiliated her – cutting off her finger as punishment when she petitioned for Gilead’s girls to be taught to read the bible. She’d seen Eden, the teenaged ‘bride’ forced upon Nick, drowned for falling in love with another teenager when her husband, rightly, refused to touch her. And in the season two finale, she agreed that Baby Nichole would have a better life in Canada, so allowed June to take her away. Nichole’s escape was reframed as a kidnap by ‘unstable’ Handmaid Emily, and Serena’s involvement was covered up.

After losing Nichole and her finger, Serena set fire to the Waterford house in a suicide attempt she survived after June led her out of the flames. Separated from Fred, she also tried to drown herself in the ocean while staying with her mother, who told her she was nothing without a husband. When she agreed to reunite with Fred, who needed her as social capital, there was hope that she was about to use her insider position to help to bring Gilead down. 

She did no such thing, because unlike June – who realised that she had a responsibility to all children, not just her own – Serena could only think about Nichole and herself. Betraying June, she agreed to an international campaign for Baby Nichole’s return, including televised appeals and a prayer event in Washington DC prayer (where Handmaids’ mouths were sewn shut with metal rings). The Sons of Jacob, led by Commander Winslow (whom June murdered in Jezebels, see above) wanted Nichole returned to set a legal precedent that would see all the other escapees sent back to Gilead to be punished for their crimes. 

After Luke and Nichole were spotted at a televised anti-Gilead protest in Canada, June was forced to arrange a meeting between Serena, Luke and the baby. Serena travelled to Canada for the visit, where Mark Tuello once again tried to get her to defect, and slipped a satellite phone into her luggage. Wanting Nichole back, Serena made a secret deal with Tuello, tricking Fred into driving over the Canadian border where he was arrested for his Gilead crimes, in exchange for a new life in Canada, with access to Nichole. However, that plan backfired when Fred told Tuello of Serena’s crimes, namely, forcing June and Nick to try to conceive in season one. Serena and Fred both ended the season under arrest and facing trial.

Aunt Lydia‘s Past Revealed

Lydia vacillated in season three, between her usual brutal self and unexpected flashes of warmth to her ‘girls’. Being stabbed and pushed down the stairs by Emily in the season two finale made her unpredictable and violent. She tasered June for trying to help her, and viciously beat Janine when she asked the Putnams if she could return to their household to make baby Angela a sibling. She forced June and Ofmatthew to take part in humiliating rites and for June to help to execute Frances, the Mackenzie household’s Martha who’d helped June to secretly visit Hannah. Lydia also facilitated Fred Waterford and Commander Winslow’s plan to force Commander Lawrence to rape June in a ‘Ceremony’ by witnessing it. 

But then, when she chaperoned June on the Waterford’s trip to Washington DC, Lydia admitted that she didn’t agree with the capital’s new method of sewing shut Handmaid’s mouths. She also presented Janine with an eyepatch to cover her mutilated eye socket, hinting at (deeply) hidden kindness and maternal feelings for Janine.

In a pre-Gilead flashback episode, we learned that Lydia was once a schoolteacher who befriended a young single mother who encouraged her to dress up and date a widower. When he turned down Lydia’s sexual advances on their date, she felt such shame that she turned it outwards and betrayed her friend by calling social services and having her son taken into care, citing her as an unfit mother – an easy thing to do in the very early days of Gilead’s growing rhetoric about the divinely appointed responsibilities of motherhood.  

The Nick Blaine Enigma

Of all the transformations in season three, Nick’s was perhaps the greatest in that he went from driver to Commander to military leader extraordinaire. After the state murder of his ‘wife’ Eden and the destruction of the Waterford home, Max Minghella‘s character was deployed as a soldier outside the district, on the front line. He met up with June in Washington DC, where she tried to make a deal with the Swiss to keep Nichole in Canada, using Nick as leverage. The Swiss informed her that Nick wasn’t just a lowly driver, but had been an instrumental part of Gilead’s coup and occupation of American soil, so the deal was off. After the season aired, actor Dominic Minghella confirmed that he’d filmed scenes which weren’t used in the finale, which would have explained more about Nick’s role and allegiance in Gilead.   

The Canadian contingent: Emily, Moira & Luke

Over the border, Emily (Alexis Bledel) struggled to recover from the trauma of Gilead. She became involved in anti-Gilead activism with Moira and Luke (Samira Wiley and O.T Fagbenle), protesting visits from Gilead leaders. She initially refused to see her wife and son, until Moira convinced her to visit them, when they agreed to take things slowly. 

Luke and Moira cared for baby Nichole, and had her baptised just as Luke and June had done for Hannah. Neither wanted Serena to have access to Nichole, but reluctantly agreed. Serena passed Luke a cassette recording in which she told him that Nichole wasn’t born of rape and that her real father was Nick, whom June loved. 

We last saw Moira greeting the planeful of Gilead refugee children now on Canadian soil, and Rita introducing herself to Luke, who was disappointed not to find Hannah on board the plane. They hugged and Rita told Luke who was responsible for rescuing the children. “She did this. June. Your June.”

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The Handmaid’s Tale season 4 starts on April the 28th on Hulu in the US. It’s due to air on Channel 4 in the UK later this summer.

The post The Handmaid’s Tale Season 3 Recap: Baby Nichole, June’s Flight Plan and the Waterfords’ Fall appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[steves-on-a-plane]

Yesterday Came Suddenly

Words: 1320 Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Request: “Hi! I really love your blog. I was wondering about reader x Bucky. Maybe she is very very pregnant in this COVID situation so he is very worried about her (in NYC). Thank you so much.” -Anon Summary: Reader is very far long in her pregnancy. She and her husband Bucky are using their time in quarantine to finally fix up the nursery for the baby. When it comes time to build the crib, Reader finds Bucky is spaced out and not listening to her. This leads to a heartfelt discussion between the two about the current state of the world. 

“Buck? Bucky? James?” You hurled a stuffed animal at your husband. You’d been trying to get his attention for the past few minutes, but he had totally spaced out. Being hit in the head with a plush giraffe roused him from whatever trance he’d been under.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” He asked blinking up at you. He picked up the giraffe that had fallen into his lap and cradled it in his arms like a baby.

“Well, I was asking you for help with building this crib because I can’t read Swedish.” You handed him the instructions for the crib. “But now I want to know where you just were.” You caressed his cheek gently with the back of your hand. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I was just thinking.” He put the giraffe down and stood up from the rocking chair he’d been sitting in. He held the instruction booklet for the crib between his two hands.  

“Buck, Honey, what were you thinking about?” You asked him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He said, kissing you. “Let’s get our Swedish crib build on.” He waved the instruction pamphlet at you incitingly.

“James Barnes,” You sighed. “We are about to bring a new human into this family and into the world. In order to successfully raise said tiny human, we have to openly communicate with each other. Don’t make me call in reinforcements.”

“Hang on.” Bucky snorted. He looked up from the mess of crib parts on the floor. “Do you think that I’m going to listen to a lecture about the importance of communication from Rogers?”

“I don’t know!” You tossed your hands up in frustration. You walked over to the rocking chair that had previously been occupied by your husband and sat down. You held the giraffe in one hand and rubbed your stomach with the other. “You don’t ever want to talk me and I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Oh [Y/N],” Bucky let the instruction pamphlet fall to the ground. He crouched down next to the rocking chair so that he could look you in the eyes. “The truth is I’m scared as hell. Not that we won’t be good parents. I know we’ll be great parents. I’m scared to bring a kid into the world.”

“You don’t think that I’m scared?” You laughed and looked away from him.

“Of course, I know you’re scared, Babe.” He reached out and held your free hand with both of his. That’s why I’ve been trying not to let you see how I was feeling. I don’t want to scare you more. I mean you’ve got to understand 2020 is not the future they promised us in ’43. No one call afford to live anywhere. College, which is something almost everyone needs to get a job these days, is prohibiting expensive. Not to mention the fact that we don’t teach kids actual life skills anymore. There’s Nazi’s again! And don’t get me started on the fact that no one is safe unless they’re an old white dude and trust me I understand the irony of that statement coming from me your husband who actually a hundred years old.” He paused to take a deep breath before continuing. It seemed that now that he had opened the flood gates of his emotions, he wasn’t going to be able to stop until he aired all of his grievances.

“And on top of all of that there is this terrifying pandemic out there that people are treating like a joke! I mean I’ve seen protest signs that say things like ‘give me Liberty or give me COVID-19.’ I just don’t understand it.” Bucky got to his feet and started pacing the room. “You know, the news doesn’t help either! Every one of them is so wrapped up in their own agenda…You know I remember when Roosevelt was President! People were angry when they found out the papers had been hiding how bad his polio was, and now? The Onionposts a joke article about I don’t know, Trumps is the Best President Ever According to Poles and next thing you know everyone’s Great Aunt Edna is sharing it on Facebook with some caption like, ‘Our only hope 2020.’”

“I don’t have a Great Aunt Edna.” You commented, trying to make him crack a smile. It didn’t work.

“How can you make jokes about this?” He asked burying his face in his hands. You struggled a little but managed to get up out of the rocking chair. You walked over to your husband and wrapped your arms around him. Bucky moved his hands away from his face and wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Buck, the world is a scary place.”  You agreed with him. “and we can’t make it any better if we don’t talk about how scary, unsafe and unfair it is. Not just to each other but to our friends and family too. Remember my mom didn’t understand why I wouldn’t let her come visit or why we canceled our baby shower in the middle of all of this until I explained to her how dangerous it could be for me and the baby if we were to get sick. I had to teach her about being A-symptomatic and that someone could make other people sick even if they didn’t have symptoms.”

“Yeah,” Bucky nodded. “Now she makes your dad pay to have groceries delivered and she made you teach her how to use Facetime, but that was a small change.”

“Small changes can have a big impact.” You disagreed with him. “Remember when Steve asked Sam and Rhodey if they would lead that seminar to educate the team on the Black Lives Matter movement? At first you went into it fully supporting All Lives Matter, but once everyone shared their stories and you realized how that was actually a really damaging countermovement you changed your opinion. All you needed was someone to educate you.”

“But people like your mother and me we just want to do what’s right by the people that we love. There are people out there who just want to watch the world burn. They want to tear the people around them down out of some bullshit superiority complex.”

“I know that it doesn’t seem like it, but the fact that you’re this angry, this upset is a good thing because it means that you care. Not just about yourself or our family. You genuinely care about making the world a better place. And I love that about you and you have to promise me that you’re never going to lose that part of you, no matter how scary things are or how hard change can be. Things only get better when there are people fighting.” You moved his hands from your back so that he was holding your stomach. “Now whoever’s in there, deserves a better world than the one they’re being born into. But we can make it better for them and we can make it better with them.”

“We could move to Canada.” He suggested.

“Now who’s making jokes?” You sighed.

“You’re right.” He nodded kissing you. “You’re French is terrible.”

“Excusez-moi mon français est exceptionnel!” You gasped.

“Sure, it is.” He laughed. “I’m sorry I dumped all of that on you. I just thought I might make you more stressed, if I told you how I was feeling.”

“The only way we’re ever going to make it through this nightmare scape of a world is if we talk to each other about how we’re feeling.” You told him. “Besides, I’m married to you, I’m a lot more resilient that you give me credit for.”

“Ha, ha.” He rolled his eyes. “I love you.” He announced before going in for another kiss.

“I love you too.” You vowed as your lips were inches apart.

[thatshithurted8]

When You Grow Up

Summary: Frat!Tom! leaves reader after he finds out she’s pregnant with his baby.

Prompt: “Walk out that door and we’re through.” “I’m pregnant.” 

Length: 1,389

Requested by: @babebenhardy

A/N happy Canada Day to the Canadians!!

                                     ---------------------------------

When you first met Tom you never expected him to make such an impact on your life. You two started off as friends, but then you both started to have feelings for each other. When you first discovered these feelings you were scared shitless. You knew Tom’s tendencies of being a player and always hooking up with at least one girl every weekend. Your fears disappeared when Tom actually admitted his feelings to you first. 

However, there is always a catch with the infamous Tom Holland. He didn’t like labels, he believed that they ruined things, so you guys never had the official title of boyfriend and girlfriend. 

At first this worried you. After all, girls throw themselves at him like he was some sort of God, but you trusted Tom and you knew he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Or so you thought. 

Despite,being hit on basically every day Tom only had eyes for one person and that was you. He loved you unconditionally even at times when it doesn’t seem like it. 

As of right now you were sitting on the living room couch in your apartment that you shared with a girl in some of your college classes. You sat up late on this cold Friday night waiting for Tom to swing by after a party. This was your guys’ routine basically every weekend. 

The party scene wasn’t really your thing and Tom understood that so he’d always make sure to see you before or after a party to spend some quality time with you. On the rare occasion you will tag along with him and his best mate, Harrison. 

It was one o’clock when you finally heard a knock on your front door. You quickly get up, making sure to hide the present you have for Tom before looking through the peephole of the wooden door and opening it to reveal Tom. 

“Hey baby.” He says smiling while looking you up and down, causing you to blush. Even though you two have basically been dating for a year and a half he still made your heart skip a beat.

“You’re early?” You say more of a question as you open the door wider for him to walk inside. 

He slips off his shoes before speaking, “Well you said you had a surprise for me and the curiosity was killing me.” 

“Okay go sit down on the couch and I’ll go get it.” You say before walking into the kitchen to grab Tom a glass of water and bread. When you walk into the living room Tom is settled on the opposite side of the couch you were sitting on before he came over. 

“Here.” You say placing the food and drink on the coffee table. “Thank you baby.” He says looking up at you and pulling you down by your hands for a quick kiss. 

“Are you ready for the surprise?” You ask walking over to the gift. 

Tom takes a big gulp of water while holding one finger up signifying he needed a minute. “Hell yea!” He says after setting the now half empty glass on the table in front of him. 

You smile and grab the plastic bag that held the gift for Tom. You place it on his lap then sit down beside him with a giant smile on your face. You were filled with nerves with what the future might hold, but you were also excited at the fact that you and Tom are creating a family. 

As Tom removes the tissue paper from the bag you watch with a smile on your face that is from ear to ear. The first thing Tom pulls out of the bag is a baby’s onesie that read ‘When I grow up I want to be just like my daddy!’ 

Tom’s eyebrows instantly furrow together as he reads the small article of clothing. “What does this mean?” He asks with a change of tone in his voice, which only caused your nerves to increase. 

“There’s more stuff in the bag.” You say, still smiling even though you have a bad feeling about this. 

The second and last thing Tom takes out of the bag is a clearblue pregnancy test. Tom being a male had no idea what it was and opened the cap. He was about to smell it when you quickly stopped him. 

“Tom it’s not a magic marker read it!” You encourage him as you giggle. 

He flips it over and says, “Pregnant? Why does it say pregnant?” He asks looking at you extremely confused. 

You smile and let out a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.” 

“What?” Tom asks as his face falls along with the items in his hands. 

Your smile instantly vanishes from your face. “What do you mean what? Tom, I’m pregnant, we’re going to have a baby!” 

Tom quickly stands up and starts pacing leaving you to sit in your spot on the couch as you watch him walk around. You could tell he was trying to gather his thoughts, but this wasn’t the reaction you expected. 

“Well? What do you think?” 

“That we’re way too fucking young to have a child.” He blurts out while looking at you. 

“W-what?” You stutter. 

“Y/N, baby, we’re too young to have a child we’re still in school. Bloody hell.” 

“So you don’t want this baby?” You ask as tears well up in your eyes. 

“I’d love to have kids with you Y/N I really would, but we still have our whole lives ahead of us, hell we don’t even have a plan for after school set in stone yet. There’s no way we can have a baby right now let alone raise it.” 

“Well like it or not we are because this baby is currently growing inside of me.” 

“You can’t be serious?” Tom asks walking over to you and sitting on his knees on the floor in front of you. “The only logical option we have right now is to abort it or put it up for adoption.” He says looking into your eyes and that’s when the first tear fell. 

“Tom I’m having this baby.” You say as your voice cracks. 

“What part of us being too young do you not understand?” 

“If you don’t want this baby then fucking leave I’ll be a single mom for all I care!” You yell at the brunette in front of you. 

“Come on baby be practical, there’s no way you can raise this child on your own.” 

“Watch me.” You say looking Tom in the eyes with a glare so strong he flinches. He slowly rises to his feet and walks over to the front door slipping on his shoes. You couldn’t believe this was happening. 

“Are you sure this is what you want? I still want you Y/N, but I don’t want a baby.” 

“Then maybe you should’ve thought about that before impregnating me!” You yell so loud that your voice becomes raspy. 

“It takes two people to make a baby.” He says softly to you from across the room. 

“And it’s going to take one person to raise it, now get the fuck out!” 

Tom places his hand on the doorknob and twists it open, opening the door a sliver. Before he opens the door fully he turns back to look at you and his heart drops at the sight. You skin was blotchy as tears fell from your now red eyes. 

“If I walk out of this door we’re through you know that right?” He asks raising an eyebrow. 

“We were done when you told me to abort this baby! Get out of my fucking house!” You yell as tears fall from your eyes, water blurring your vision. 

With that being said Tom sighs and walks out of your apartment, closing the door gently behind him. He stands on the other side of the door instantly regretting what he did. In a fit of rage you scream and throw his glass of water at the door he just walked out of, causing him to jump on the other side. 

As you curl into a ball on the couch and cry yourself to sleep, you hope and pray that your unborn child doesn’t grow up to be like their father at all, despite what the small onesie says.