#A woman who already had four kids suffered a miscarriage while trying to help with having a biological child

[coochiequeens]

She "needs" a surrogate because she couldn't deal with "not being in control of my body". Oh and she wants another woman to do this for free because Canada doesn't allow commercial surrogacy.

https://www.stratfordbeaconherald.com/news/local-news/searching-for-a-surrogate-inside-a-stratford-couples-journey-to-have-a-child

SEARCHING FOR A SURROGATE: Inside a Stratford couple's journey to have a child

Stratford couple Brittany Henry and Matt McGill continue their journey to have a child.

BY Cory Smith Published Oct 04, 2024  

Stratford's Brittany Henry and Mitchell's Matt McGill have gone public in their search for a surrogate after Henry was diagnosed with tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth. (Submitted)

October 17, 2020, should have been the best day of Brittany Henry’s life.

The Stratford woman, already a stepmother to her husband’s teenage boys, always wanted to raise her own child, and the positive home pregnancy test that fall day almost four years ago was confirmation it was happening.

“The minute I found out, I wanted it out of me right away,” she said.

Henry, now 36, felt physically and emotionally trapped. She was unable to sleep, work or even socialize. Counselling sessions and conversations with her family doctor didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts that came from having another organism growing inside her body.

“I hate not being in control of my body,” she said. “It was awful.”

She later learned she suffered from tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth that affects from two to 15 per cent of women, according to studies. Henry’s emotional façade finally cracked before Christmas in 2021 when she had a “huge meltdown” while cleaning her home’s basement with husband Matt McGill.

Suffering tremendous mental misery, Henry made the difficult decision to end her pregnancy after seven weeks and pursue motherhood through alternative means.

There was relief but also sadness. Henry was mad she couldn’t carry the baby to term.

Stratford’s Brittany Henry and Mitchell’s Matt McGill have gone public in their search for a surrogate after Henry was diagnosed with tokophobia, an extreme fear of childbirth. (Submitted)

The decision was made to pursue a surrogate.

“I don’t want to live with regret not knowing what it would be like to be a mom to my own child,” she said.

The couple visited a fertility doctor and educated themselves on the long and thorough process.

Henry, a hairstylist for 16 years, joked with clients that surrogacy was the only way she would have her own child. Many women said they wanted to help, but one client in particular – a mother of four in her late 20s who was also a friend – seemed the most serious.

After months of counselling, tests and legal hurdles, the first round of in-vitro fertilization, which involves retrieving eggs and sperm from the couple, fertilizing them in a lab and implanting them in another woman, resulted in a pregnancy this past spring after two failed transfers.

Everything was going well through the first six weeks. There was even a strong heartbeat.

But, just like Henry’s own pregnancy, it ended in July at the seven-week mark.

“How much more good can I do in this world to deserve to get what I deserve?” Henry wonders. “I just feel like I do so much for everyone and everything, and why do I keep getting shit on? I went through all of this and was so proud of myself, and we were so close, and then it was just gone again. It’s awful.

“We’ll never know what went wrong.”

The loss was also crushing for the surrogate, who relinquished her role after doing everything she could to help the couple.

“It was taxing on her, too, with four kids at home and trying to juggle that, but we were thankful,” McGill, 43, said.

Brittany Henry and Matt McGill with an ultrasound of their child that was conceived this past spring through a surrogate. There was a miscarriage in July after seven weeks. (Submitted)

The experience changed Henry, who knew many of her clients were dealing with infertility. Listening was easier than sharing, and she often suffered in silence.

The surrogate search quietly continued, but appointments started interfering with her job. It was time for Henry to come clean.

“I talk to people for a living,” she said. “Everything was just building up, and I was done.

“You feel like you have to be so quiet about everything, and so many people are going through this that nobody knows, and it’s just normal. I don’t like that.”

Henry went public with the couple’s plight. A social media post last week detailing their journey elicited an “overwhelming” response. Many people reached out, including strangers from around the world in similar situations.

“It’s a crazy thing to go through,” she said. “It’s not normal, but a lot of people are going to have to do this.

“I have this desire to want to make a change. I want to help.”

Now she’s asking for the same.

Years of anguish, a remortgaged home and $30,000 later, Henry and McGill are back where they started. They’ve joined Facebook groups that connect couples with surrogates, but the numbers aren’t in their favour given one in six Canadians experiences infertility, according to 2023 data from the Canadian Fertility and Andrology Society.

Canadian surrogates don’t get paid, unlike those in the United States, which further limits potential candidates.

Several prerequisites need to be met. The surrogate must be between 21 and 45 with at least one biological child, though exceptions can be made. They need to be physically healthy and mentally stable with no criminal background, and then approved by a doctor and counsellor.

Beyond that, Henry and McGill want a surrogate who is local and someone they’re comfortable with. They want a surrogate as committed as the couple who met at work and started dating in 2013 before getting married four years later.

“We just knew,” Henry said. “Once we started dating, it was just easy.”

Henry and McGill have recently connected with two potential surrogates, but there are no guarantees. Henry is scheduled for more egg retrieval in January, and she figures the earliest they could attempt another transfer is April, assuming everything goes their way.

Until then, there’s more lawyers, more counselling, more tests and more money.

But there’s also hope, which can be hard for someone who carries the guilt of not going through her own pregnancy and often wishes she was born without a uterus.

“You just hope for the best,” Henry said. “Life goes on no matter what. We’ve been through so much that you have to keep wanting it. The desire to be a mom is still very much there. I know how long this journey is, but I’m excited to jump right in. You think of the end goal. Everyone said it’s so magical when the baby is handed to you, and you keep thinking of that. If I don’t get that, or try, in this lifetime, I know I’ll live with regrets.”

[takaraphoenix]

So I just finished the third season of The Bold Type and oh boy did they drop the ball in this one. I... really enjoyed this show until now but this season was just so intensely exhausting and honestly cringey.

The only good storyline was Jane’s. Her finally dumping that cheating piece of garbage. The way they handled her surgery and recovery and the struggle she had. It was incredibly emotional and well-paced and I genuinely loved the way they handled it.

-

But everything else was... pretty much garbage, in my opinion?

-

I mean, Sutton? Sutton and Richard, getting married, after being in a relationship for what, five years? And... they never actually talked about their future? They never talked about having kids? I hate this dumbassery of “let’s get married but like we never actually talked about how we imagine our future” and the way they handled that, with how Richard behaved? How he placed all the blame on Sutton? What in the world was that? She put her life on hold for him, repeatedly. It wasn’t because of her job that you guys hid your relationship for so long, it was yours. And when you decided to go to San Francisco for a job, she was just 100% behind you.

But now she’s deceiving you because... she... doesn’t read minds, or what? Saying “I want something like they have” is the broadest, least specific bullshit. Something, what? Their career, their marriage, their house? That does not specify that you want children. Saying “I definitely want children” is how you specify that you want children. To only blame her for not telling him that she didn’t want kids...? When two people are in this relationship and neither of them actually spoke up about their wants and needs here? That is equally both their fault.

Not to mention his... his reaction. Just, his reaction to everything.

When, only two months after the miscarriage, she wanted to have sex again and he just immediately goes “so x position is better for conception”, that was just... incredibly insensitive. I don’t know about anyone else but me, but... two weeks after losing a baby to already try again seems incredibly early and to overrun her like that instead of first, in a quieter moment, address the issue? Not to mention that this was an unplanned pregnancy and she just started a new, busy job so it really wasn’t a good fit time-wise.

His reaction to when she told him she didn’t want babies? The throwing and trashing stuff? It just will never sit right with me when men express their anger/frustration by smashing and destroying things right next to the woman. It is purposefully intimidating and reads far too close as a ‘replacement’, which also is always intensified by the woman jumping away instinctively, as Sutton did. Not... Not a great move. Really creepy.

And then they just... end it. Just like that. After this entire show had their will they won’t they build up to them getting married, it all falls apart like that, so unceremoneously and Sutton goes onto a completely self-destructive tour of discovering that she is, after all, no better than her mother, putting her somehow even below square one.

-

The worst offender however is whatever the fuck this show did to Kat. And to Adena. But let’s start with Adena.

Adena, an out and proud lesbian, a Muslim, a woman of color, a feminist. And now... a biphobe, apparently? Wow, that’s just such a great look on her.

It’s incredibly OoC for Adena. This woman, who met Kat when Kat was still thinking she was straight, who supported Kat through her self-discovery. And while Kat used “lesbian” as a self-identifying label twice in previous seasons, she always more leaned toward “queer” to label herself.

So to now have Adena, whose entire character was always about lending women a voice and standing up for them, who always supported Kat, who met Kat when Kat was still very much busy sleeping with men, now act biphobic when Kat comes out as bisexual...? It just... It really fucked Adena over.

Especially the garbage she was spouting. That if Kat now liked men, did that make Adena “just a phase” and were her feelings for Adena “even real”? That is just the most bottom of the barrel biphobic talk, this felt like someone just did one quick google search on biphobia and crammed them together and made Adena say that. It... just didn’t feel authentic for Adena, after how she had been represented so far and how she had acted and handled Kat’s journey of self-descovery.

I understand that they really wanted Kat to face biphobia and I genuinely did love the bonding moment that gave Kat and Oliver, but there was absolutely no need to throw Adena under the bus like this. They could have literally gone to that stupid lesbian-exclusive party and just have... have some random unnamed character act biphobic?

Considering this wasn’t even meant as a lasting plotline that’d be pulled through as a proper arc, because two episodes later, Adena suddenly got over her biphobia. Which is just another thing that makes it more ridiculous, because a woman like Adena, who is deeply involved with the community and who is strongly opinionated, would - if she really was biphobic - not just change her stance on that in like two weeks just because...?

It really showed that they used Adena not as a character but as a plot-tool for Kat’s plotline and it did Adena such a disservice - especially since she is one of your four (4) queer characters and she is your only lesbian.

Don’t validate negative stereotypes like prickly lesbians who only date Gold Star Lesbians because otherwise the lesbian feelings between them just aren’t lesbian enough and like how would she know they’re real if her partner isn’t also a lesbian?

And yes. Yes, I am well-aware we have a huge problem of biphobia within the community. I am well-aware that these type of lesbians exist. But, as mentioned above, they could have taken a minor character only introduced for this plotline to deliver this biphobia, instead of throwing their only lesbian character under the bus like this.

Adena is such a brilliant character and she is... so much representation? I mean, she is one of only four queer characters, of only two queer women, she is the only lesbian, she is the only Muslima, she is one of the only two women of color in the recurring/main cast. I genuinely don’t understand how you can look at a character like that and go “ah yes, let’s just temporarily antagonize her for another character’s plotline, which goes entirely against her own characterization so we will actually also totally backtrack on it after all is said and done”, because it’s... I don’t think there’s a real word for what this is, but it’s bullshit, to say the least.

-

Now about Kat. Who finally figured herself out this season. And then just immediately had to deal with the biphobia, but not for too long because that’d be too distracting, we have too much to do in throwing her character under the bus too, after all.

I mean seriously, Kat’s a biracial bisexual liberal woman, who had an entire season-long plot about being a liberal woman trying to carve a space for herself, for her community, against bigotry. Both, her being biracial and her being bisexual, has always torn her and made her not fit quite in and made her look for her place to belong and she fought hard for it.

So the natural progression for her character truly is to make her date a... I really do not want to type these words together, to be quite frank... but a Republican lesbian. And not just... be with her, but “come around” to her viewpoint. It was essentially throwing out the long-suffering plotlines of Kat fighting hard for her spot in favor of now being downgraded to a bar-tender who is fascinated by the Republican POV on life.

They really used Kat to antagonize liberals as sensitive snowflakes and show that “Republicans can be serious and have good points too!”. They turned Kat into a... clumsy oaf, at best, the way she handled herself around the politics this season? After she literally ran for office before, trying to become a politician herself? But now she is swayed or fascinated or whatever for “the other view-point”?

And just the timing, to have a “Republicans aren’t that bad!” angle in your show while Republicans are literally busy running your country into the ground? Ya really thought this was a great angle to work with? And for her, of all characters?

It made... absolutely no sense with how Kat had been portrayed so far to have her enthralled by this bullshit spouting Republican, because “different views are important and can be insightful”...

There are angles where, from a storytelling POV, you can introduce various views and make it very interesting to watch, but if your way of introducing this other view is literally by her defending her homophobic father who wants to help pass a bill on conversion therapy, I’m sorry there is absolutely no listening to that.

And that’s not being emotional. This is directly about the lives of human beings. There is no discussing that, there are no other opinions on the matter of whether or not children should be tortured into being straight.

And having her, very lacklusterly, say that she personally is against conversion therapy means... it... it means literally nothing if she is not speaking up about it and instead wants to bury evidence about her father supporting it and has no problems with him supporting it in the first place.

The ““cutesy”“ situation of her threatening to get Kat fired over this, Kat actually getting fired and her then accidentally getting Kat fired from her next job, just to graciously help her keep her job after all like some White Republican Savior was... very cringey to watch, but so was honestly every single interaction between them, based on the juxtaposition of those characters.

I’m sorry, as a lesbian, I have intensely strong feelings about how they utilized lesbian characters for bullshit agendas this season. First Adena for the biphobia angle and then writing a Republican lesbian in there to like... sell Republicans?

I just... genuinely can not grasp what that storyline even was, because it honestly just felt like Republican propaganda? And yes, propaganda. Because it undermined the already established liberal character that Kat had been, made her not entirely turn toward being Republican but suddenly be oh-so open minded about the views (after this plotline was literally introduced through, and I will say it again, conversion therapy. I mean seriously, you could have a liberal and a Republican have conversations with each other and “see each other’s points of view”, but you absolutely can not have that after introducing the plotline through one of the most horrific things that can happen to our community). They portrayed Eva as the understanding, calm, rational, charming party in this and made Kat the overly angry, emotional and downright doe-eyed one who learned so much from Eva, while not having Kat teach Eva anything. This was never portrayed as a mutual seeing each other’s viewpoints; Kat was the only one who changed over this storyline. And that is what made this not feel like an “equal opportunity POV exchange” storyline but like propaganda.

-

My very last critique point is the oversexualization of absolutely everything. I mean, yes, this show has always been very sex-positive and about women embracing their sexuality and I absolutely support this message. But... this season went... beyond that? It wasn’t just sex-positive it was downright negative on no sex. The utter despair for sex and linking it with success?

The plotline of how Jacqueline wanted to show women in “power” through fashion, but it was all about owning their sexuality and the first pitch immediately included lingerie. And worse yet, that thing where Ryan and Jane were not having sex.

The freaking intervention. Because... she was having a genuinely good time just having spa-days with her boyfriend instead of fucking like rabbits every hour of the day? That they literally put an intervention together there. That not having sex is oh-so bad, even though honestly, until that intervention, Jane did not look unhappy.

I just think that a show that praises itself on its queer viewpoints and puts the queerness so very front and center needs to step up their game and start including an asexual viewpoint. Both, in the show and in the magazine itself because everything they write and do comes back to sex and it’s starting to get really, truly tiresome.

Sex-positivity doesn’t have to mean that you reinforce that to be a strong, independent woman you have to have sex and that a relationship is only successful if they have lots of sex.

[avalindin]

Drawn

AU Lycan Tom

Chapter 16: Lost

______

Previous Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

______

Gertie closed the office door behind her as she enclosed them all away for the good of the pack she looked around the room to Benedict, Chris, Cecil and a trembling Elsa, whom was controlling herself beautifully as she did her part and tasted Tristan’s blood to ease her transformation.

It had been hours since the trusted ambulance had taken Anita to the hospital that would keep them away from regular civilians. Gertie told the police as much as they could without bring humans into the house and into their business.

“If anyone asks, it was a home invasion. Simple as that.”

“So,” said Benedict as he ran his fingers through his hair, “What do I tell the school?”

“She suffered a miscarriage and they need time.”

“Who was that guy?”

“All you need to know is that he got it through the front door and…”

Gertie shook her head and tried to compose herself. Cecil cleared his throat.

“It was Matilda, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. She used the fetus as a sacrifice. Whatever Tom did to injure her wasn’t enough.”

“Who was the guy?”

“Her toy, he was supposed to marry Anita.”

“So what happens now?”

Gertie sighed as she looked to her pack.

“Chris will take Elsa and keep her away from everyone. We’ll take the children. Ben, go back to the house and make sure everyone gets home. Cecil will help.”

“What about you?”

“I need to stay here with them. They will not understand and Anita will not be the same without the fetus. Our kind don’t miscarry. Ever. Her body will not accept this and she will need me here.”

Elsa still had the premonition of a joyous Tom and Anita at the back of her mind and now it was gone.

“Did she tell anyone yet?”

“No.”

-

She wasn’t sure why everything was hurting. She had to be healed by now. She just couldn’t understand. It had to all be a terrible nightmare.

She was still a little child, four years old as she walked from her hammock to her mother’s room. She remembered a man talking as she slept and how her mother cried when he left. The darkness shook her from her dreams as she heard the shadows tormenting her.

“Mama?”

The voices tried to follow her as she reached her mother’s bedroom door. The whisper became louder as she looked to the large shadow looming over her mother’s bed. He chuckled, stepping away and looking to the other body on the floor. She remembered his blonde hair covered in blood as she looked back to her mother. There was a line of blood around her throat as she fought to breathe. Anita’s little hands grabbed her tie dye sleep shirt out of fear and felt something trickling down her leg.

Her tears fell down her face as she looked down to the bloody patch on her stomach. It hurt so much as her whimpers got the attention of the figure. She looked up to the teenage boy through her tears as the pain got worse. He slicked back his eerie blonde hair and picked her up as his bloody hands pushed the hair back from her face.

“Now, now, sugar. No use in crying now. What’s done is done.”

He looked to the blood dripping from her stomach as he lowered his mouth to her ear.

“Blood for blood, Anita…”

Anita’s eyes snapped open as she opened her mouth and screamed. She already knew what had happened and that everything she wanted was gone. But it was there, it was right there and it was gone. She could hear the pack’s footsteps outside her door. As the knob turned, something inside of her snapped. Ben was the first one in the room as Anita got to her feet from the hospital bed and blasted him back from the threshold. She was quick to pull the tubing from her arms as Gertie raised her glowing hand.

She was thrown to the ground behind her as Anita followed the lingering blood of Matilda. She knew it belonged to her because it was all she could smell. It wasn’t the same for Tom as he stepped in front of Anita. She swung her arm up as she turned into the hallway, ready to strike him when he ducked at the last minute and spun her into the wall.

“Anita, sweetie? I need you to st…”

He grunted in pain as Anita threw her head back and struck him in the face. He held his nose and stumbled back as Anita brought her foot up and kicked him into the nearest wall. Anita turned, ready to make a break for the nearest door until Elsa ran into the hall ahead of her. She panted, sensing the change in her as she clenched her fists.

“Anita, just stop. You need to get back in bed.”

“You need to get out of my way before I hurt you.”

The pack saw through her tears as her eyes were pitch black. No one had ever been seen like this.

“No. If you go, you’ll end up getting hurt and I know that’s exactly what she wants.”

Anita showed her teeth, growing as she raced down the hall towards Elsa. She waited for the perfect moment as Elsa shot out her arm and clotheslined Anita. Her body feel back to the floor as Elsa crashed on top of her. Her strong little arms wrapped tightly around Anita as she kicked and screamed for her life. Elsa got her feet with Anita in her arms as a doctor came forward. Anita was expecting a needle but gave in to the soothing glow of his hand as her body quickly numbed.

“Alright, someone help while she’s down.”

Elsa and Tom helped put Anita back into her bed as she cried and moaned. Gertie rushed behind them and enchanted the restraints that were put around Anita’s arms and legs so she could not get out.

“There,” said the doctor as he stepped back, “You weren’t kidding, she really is strong.”

“Go help, Tom.”

Tom had already pushed his nose back into place as he sat in the nearest chair and refused to be moved.

“Tom. Not now, you need to rest.”

“No. I’m not moving from his spot and you will not make me.”

“You don’t fully understand what’s happened.”

“That bitch took our child and resurrected herself. What else is there to understand?”

“She’s had no family for a while and now she’s had it taken from her like her mother was. Your presence isn’t needed for right now.”

“You pulled me into this. Asked me to get her out of Baton Rouge, marry her so that she could be protected from Tristan and I watched as he helped kill our child and fucked her in front of me. Don’t fucking insult me, Witch. I’m staying my wife and will do whatever it takes to get her through this, whether its grief or fury, now get the fuck out!”

Gertie was stunned at Tom as she turned and marched from the room and closed the door behind her.

Anita slept. She forced herself to sleep until she woke up and found Tom between her legs the first morning she got to the house but the dream was too beautiful as she deduced. Maybe she’d wake up and still be stuck in the attic manor as the coven of 20 strong elevated their power ahead of her.

She felt a soft hand at her head as she slowly woke awhile later.

“Mama?”

“No, child. Grandma, though I never have really given thought to you calling me grandma.”

Anita ignored her chuckle, not feeling Tom in the room for the first time in a long time.

“I can’t go back,” she whispered.

“I don’t plan on letting them take you from us.”

“I can’t go back to the house. I can’t face him.”

“You need Tom. He’s your husband.”

“I never wanted him. I was gonna kill her on Halloween. I had wolf’s bane and was so close to spiking the bowl, then he fucked it all up. I was gonna kill them all…”

“Damn.”

Gertie shook her head and held Anita’s hand, knowing what she was about to do would test Tom’s bond to granddaughter. Tom talked to the doctors, telling him he would have to keep a close eye on Anita in case she showed any suicidal episodes. It was refreshing and uncomfortable to get out of the room but more than anything he wanted to get back to Anita.

He finished his coffee and stopped in the door when he saw a nurse changing the sheets of Anita’s empty room.

“Where is she?”

“I was just called to take care of a discharge, sir. You’ll have to talk to the head nurse at the desk.”

Tom was already turned around as he raced to the desk with the crush paper cup in his hand.

“May I speak to who’s in charge please?!”

The ladies and men around jumped at the sound of his voice. A small woman no younger looking than Gertie stood and ushered Tom aside.

“This is a hospital, sir, and you’ll need to keep it that way if you wish to stay here.”

“Who discharged my wife? I wasn’t even gone for an hour.”

“May I see ID?”

Tom controlled his emotions long enough for the nurse to look to Anita’s chart.

“Her grandmother took her home, looks like half an hour ago.”

Tom unclenched his fists and took back his ID as he stomped back to the truck that he left in the parking garage. He could feel the steam rising from his skin as he tried not to run straight to Gertie’s. He threw his truck in reverse and put his foot to the gas pedal as his fingers flew through his phone. As suspected, Gertie wasn’t picking up her phone. Five tries later, Tom was nearly there when he finally left her a message.

“Gertie, where the hell is my wife?! Call me back or answer your front door. I’m here.”

Tom pulled onto the long driveway, meeting Gertie’s eyes as she stood on the edge of her porch steps. He climbed out, driving his heavy feet into the freshly covered lawn as he smelled Anita somewhere in the house.

“Tom, stop…”

“I told you to leave us alone, Gertie!”

Tom was forced to stop as a stinging bit of energy flowed through his body. He grunted as Gertie smoothed her head back. He opened his mouth and roared to the sky.

“Anita!”

Gertie lifted her hand sending Tom to his back. The pain stopped as he got to his feet and felt a lump in his throat.

“You know that wasn’t me, Thomas. If it was, you would be in a world of hurt.”

“Drop the barrier. Please.”

“That isn’t for me to decide.”

“What did you tell her? You can’t take her away from me!”

“Stop it!”

Tom ignored her, looking up to the second to last window on the left side of the house as he heard Anita’s sobbing and Cecil trying to comfort her. It broke his heart that Anita and in pain and it was worse that it was clear she didn’t want him around.

Tears filled Tom’s eyes as he tried to step towards the barrier again. He stopped, feeling the tingle of Anita’s magic. He cried as Gertie rushed to him and flung her arms around his neck.

“How did this happen?”

“This isn’t permanent. Look at me, Tom.”

Gertie held his face between his hands to make sure he was looking only at her.

“What do I do? Tell me what to do…”

“I’m taking you home and you are going to give Anita space. The scent of you could sent her into a more feral state than she was at the hospital. This will be temporary, I promise you.”

“What happened to him?”

“He’s in the basement.”

The color drained from Tom’s face as Gertie was quick to calm him.

“I’ve severed the right cords in his spine. Everything from the neck down is useless to him. Believe me when I say that he is in a world of Hell. He has no way to escape, not even projection. He can feel pain and when the time comes, you will have your turn with him.”

Tom broke away gently and wiped his face with his sleeve. His instincts wanted to storm the house and drag Anita home but he knew Gertie was right. He was still a stranger to her. Anita needed her grandmother to help her through her trauma but Tom needed her too much.

“Gert, I-I’ll take myself home. Can I just sit here for a while?”

Gertie smiled and was proud of the man Tom had become. She left him on the front lawn with his thoughts. She wandered to the kitchen to make tea for no reason. Someone would end up using the hot water for something. She turned to Snowflake patting on the front window. She looked as she saw Tom lay in the cab of his truck.

His sobs mixed with Anita’s attempt at steady breaths. Cecil came down the back staircase with his bowl of used water.

“I gave her an Ativan. She should be better when she wakes, unless you want to give her something.”

“She needs to rest. I need to bind the house in case she runs.”

“Where is she going to run to?”

“Damn, I can’t bind her. She’s still new. I can replace the blood with my own, she’ll have to understand.”

“Donovan will be coming soon.”

“Another week.”

He placed his hand on his wife’s shoulder and looked to Snowflake trying to get outside to Tom.

“This will be for the better.”

“It has to be or they both crash and burn.”

-

One week later

It had stopped snowing that morning.

For some reason, the snow wasn’t as white. Anita went back to washing the dishes as she gave them a good scrubbing. Her sides curled as she willed the feeling away. Curled, but not hurt or cramping. They reminded her of what wasn’t there anymore. She trained herself to ignore the feeling and that of the tears that were no longer there.

There was no use in crying anymore, she told herself. It was gone. The baby was gone and so was her scent for revenge against Matilda. Her aunt’s scent was gone from her nose and things felt like they were going back to normal for her. Every time she would turn, she would expect to see Tom there to touch her but she kept forgetting it was not her home. Gertie was gracious enough to open her home to her so that she could have some air for the first time in her life.

The years of being sheltered by the coven, the years alone on the run and then her “marriage” to Tom. She drained the water in the sink and looked out to Snowflake in the mounds of snow. The dishes were dried and put away one by one as her thoughts tried to call out to her.

There was Tom, alone, missing her to death. Gertie and Cecil welcomed her but she had had enough of family and knew her welcome would be outstayed sooner or later. She dried her hands on her warm knitted sweater and listened to the wind for a sign.

“Come on. There’s something I want to show you before we go.”

She remembered she promised Gertie she would go into town to pick up dinner for that night. It would just be the two of them since Cecil would be gone for a day or two for an errand. Anita followed Gertie from the clean sink as she watched over the older woman’s shoulder. Gertie waved her hands, unbinding bits of wood from the wall of her pantry. Gertie smiled for Anita as she waved her forward.

“Elsa isn’t gonna jump out with an axe and scare us or some shit, right?”

“No but try not to act out when I show you this.”

“What is it?”

Gertie’s hand took her own and led her further down the dark stairs. She let go and flipped a switch as Anita’s eyes reacted to the harsh lights. Spells and enchantments were splattered across the walls as she followed the table of chained boxes and the sealed destroyed charms that were found in her furniture.

She stopped as she looked to the inclined table in the corner.

“Anita!”

Anita had backpedaled hard into the nearest wall as Tristan’s eyes burned into her. The breath shortened in her chest with each inhale. Gertie reached forward for Anita as she turned for the door upstairs and ran. The pantry whizzed by as did the kitchen, the back dens and the large patio.

Her feet flew underneath her as she ran at a normal pace through the forest. The whine of the trees dulled out the sound of her now racing thoughts. Anita forced herself to slow. If she ran any faster, she was sure that she would have run to the ends of the earth and it’s not that she didn’t mind but she knew better than to abandon her family. She wanted to tire herself so she wouldn’t hunt down Matilda. As much as she wanted to, it would only end in unwanted bloodshed no matter how much she wished for it. Now that Matilda was human after being powerless for so long, she would remain in hiding until she was strong enough.

Maybe it was a sign. Anita stopped against a large trunk that stretched out over her head and braced herself against the chilled bark. She listened to nature easing her breath as she closed her eyes. The cold howling winds blew snow from the tops of the branches, showering her face in soft, white powder. Her skin enjoyed the snow, as it decided, making her hair stand on end to feel the chill.

She broke, though she was trying to rid herself of the habit, putting her hand to her stomach, still feeling what was no longer there. She accepted the terrible things that happened on Christmas. She missed Tom badly but she missed being alone. Felix, she assumed, must have stayed in the house with Tom to give him some company. Time apart. It was all they needed.

Anita pulled her hair apart and turned for town to try and clear her head some more. She was hard on herself for running out in the middle of winter without wearing anything proper. She may have been turned but it was still cold as all hell. She only needed a few hours of quiet and then she would go back to Gertie.

She stood on the sidewalk near the high school watching the large student parking lot being cleared by tow trucks for the day after New Year’s. She’d forgotten completely that a week had gone by. People were coming back from the holidays and using the town to get to their natural destinations. Her own was three streets east. Her frigid nose led her to the town’s bookshop. That she’d become so familiar with over the past few months. She stopped at the door and kicked off most of the snow from her boots as she let herself inside. Anita could hear someone but she knew it wasn’t a customer.

“Hello?”

Anita stopped in her tracks as one of the employees poked their head to see her turning back to the door.

“I-I’m sorry for you are closed. I can leave…”

“You can stay if you want,” sniffled the young woman as she wiped her tear-stained eyes with the back of her sleeve.

“Are you okay?”

Anita was ready for anything amiss.

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Katie’s on vacation and Peggy’s funeral was yesterday…”

“The owner?”

“Yeah, her heart gave out the day after Christmas and I came in and thought she was sleeping at her desk…”

She broke down sobbing into her hands and Anita’s only instinct was to comfort her. She held her and didn’t let go.

-

Anita walked on her own in the evening, now freezing as she decided to make her way back to the forest. She stretched out the time as much as she could. The happiness around her of the late night filled her with some relief. She remembered looking back on the year to the fight and the energy she spent running as she looked up to the wind pushing the high branches. For once she didn’t have to rush, to flee from whatever may have been after her.

Her boots crunched the snow under her feet as she stopped and was drawn south to a familiar area. The backyard of the house looked different, bigger for some odd reason as she stood at the tree line. Snow covered everything but the walkway from the house to Anita’s green house. Her feet dragged underneath her to the freeze metal of her sanctuary as she let herself in. The blast of warm air was enough to send her inside as the metal door closed behind her. Her natural instinct for her busy as she tended to as many as she could.

Anita sneezed, realizing that she’d shed her sweater and had pulled her long hair pulled up into a flowing ponytail. She touched her hair and no long felt a like for it. She reached up behind her neck and waved her glowing hand, chopping off her hair at the base of her neck. She could hear the strands fall to the ground and Tom groaning in pain as Anita turned for the house. She peered out the window and looked to the back of the house. She was only gone a few days and she wanted more than anything to come back.

She left her tended plants behind her and made her way up to the house. She unlocked the back door, stepping into the back hall near the laundry room as the familiar smells of the house calmed her. She cursed to herself hearing the tiny scratch marks as Felix hauled himself across the kitchen floor and into Anita’s arms. She closed her hand around the bell and kissed her friend as much as he needed. She could hear in the way that she meowed that she was sorely missed.

“I know, fur ball. I don’t know if I’m back or not.”

He jumped from her arms in disappointment and fled to his tower near the den. Her nose lead her forward from the sad food smells to the needing smell up the stairs. She didn’t need to worry about the stairs as she made her way through the halls and stopped at the door, the door that had made her terrified and heartbroken. Her hand pushed the broken wood of the door as she looked in to the destroyed nursery.

Anita felt she would have done the same thing, using her strength and her power to rip the room to shreds now that she wasn’t pregnant anymore. She turned for the next closest room as Anita heard Tom moaning in his sleep. Her mouth watered for him, needing to be with him as he slept.

“Anita…”

Her nails dug into the doorframe as she pushed herself forward and knelt to the side of Tom’s bed. Her knees hit the carpeted floor along with her tears as she looked down to her husband. She pushed back his matted hair. She was no longer in control of herself as she leaned forward and kissed Tom’s lips. She could taste him, wanting more as she cupped the side of his face. He moved underneath her, not scaring her as his hand drifted to her waist. Her legs pushed her off the ground and onto the side of the bed as he kissed her back. Anita’s hips grinded into Tom, making him groan as she looked into his opening eyes. She saw the hazy, bloodshot blue and forced herself away as Tom tried to roll after her.

“Anita…”

She hurried down the hallway as she heard Tom hit the floor.

“Anita?”

His nose filled with the scent of her, following it as her footsteps thundered down the stairs.

“Anita!”

Her feet dug into the snow as she ran north as west as fast as her feet could carry her. Tom saw the last bit of her as she disappeared into the forest. He wanted to run for her but it would have only made her run further away. He looked down to the footprints in the snow leading to the greenhouse. He pushed the metal open, seeing her corrected work for her plants. His bare foot stepped in her cut black hair. He collected enough in his hand and brought the mass to his nose.

He listened to the howling wind behind him and sobbing as he laid on the warm floor and held Anita’s hair close to his chest.

-

Four weeks later…

“Have a good day. May I he…”

Anita stopped and tried to keep her calm as Gertie stood with a pile of books for Anita to ring up.

“Child.”

“Hag.”

“Do you have what you need?”

“Please don’t, not here.”

Gertie smiled as she held Anita’s hand. She knew.

“I am not here for that. Donovan’s in town.”

“Okay. Keep him away from the damn bookstore. I will tear his head off.”

“No. You are coming home, at least with me.”

“Why?”

“Ren would like to meet you.”

“Who?”

“Donovan’s fiancé.”

“Okay, so what? She’s some Twilight ridden freak that said yes?”

“Anita, I will make a scene if I have to. You either come with me or I’ll get Tom to drag you.”

Anita clenched her hands and rolled her eyes. She’d been staying well on the other side of town and in the other direction of the packs’ homes. She was used to the cramped hotel rooms.

“Fine but I’m in the middle of a shift.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll come find you if those bedbugs haven’t.”

She held her spine strong as her fingers ran over the spines of the many, many books that were restocked and reshelved. She liked how the children left the books just so she could enjoy putting them back, enjoying seeing her, the woman in love with the store. Anita roamed in her thoughts, dusting the top shelves when something rolled from the tops of one of the bookcases. Her hand shot out and caught a bit of wood. She turned her wrist, seeing it to be the bit of the staircase she broke off when she found a book that she wanted.

It was the first time that she and Tom went somewhere public.

Her breath trembled as she put the wood back on top of the bookcase. Some things would be left in the past but Tom was not. Anita held back her emotions and finished with her work as she met Gertie by the front door.

“Let’s go.”

“Nope, we’re using the truck and I’ll put my foot in your ass if you try and run.”

“Whatever. It seems like running is hereditary.”

Anita was nervous. The last time she saw Donovan was the first few days she had arrived and he planned on making her a meal. A smile formed on her face when she remembered how fast his veins blackened when she paralyzed him with a single finger. He was convinced that Anita was to be his and it only confused her that he was filling to marry someone else. She pulled her thick sweater down and rested her head on the side of the car.

Her eyes closed and could see the house again. Not Gertie’s but her home, hers and Tom’s. Her hair had grown back as it rained down her back. It was thundering outside and she swore she could smell fresh rain. Anita watched herself, shocked as she turned with a fussing baby in her arms. She was frozen in place as she tried to follow herself. Her eyes turned down to a mist that had her held in place.

“No,” said the voice.

“W-Who’s there?”

The mist slowly began to form into something with a strong arm. Near the top of the mist, she could see a pair of eyes, blue eyes that were very familiar.

“Not this path, my child. Go back before you are consumed…”

She woke as Gertie hands formed around the ends of the staring wheel. Anita opened her eyes in time as she looked up and met Tom’s eyes. She turned back to Gertie, meeting the deception as she turned the car off.

“Let’s go, child. Don’t run.”

“Is Donovan even here?”

“Yes, they’re inside. Please don’t run.”

Anita jumped as her car door was calmly opened for her. She turned, starting at his hand stretched out to her, then up as she saw the small hopeful look that she would take it. If her body wasn’t going to run, it sure as hell was stuck in the front seat.

“Hello, Anita.”

“Hello, Tom…”

She took a chance by taking his hand and moved from the car.

[mnefaulkerson]

My Pregnancy Journey (Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret)

Hi everyone! A few months ago, I gave birth to Baby A. 🙂 Some of you may have wondered if you had missed my announcement on my pregnancy. The truth is that I didn’t post about my pregnancy anywhere, choosing to keep the news a secret. In total, Ken and I only shared it with my dad and my in-laws, and a select group of very close friends.

Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret

The start of our pregnancy journey (July 2018)

The reason was that I simply wanted the personal space to focus on my pregnancy. For a while, I had been feeling boxed in by my culture. From the invisible pressure to have children, to the endless taboos for pregnant women, I felt trapped by the many expectations of my culture, many of which did not resonate with me. 

So after I got married, I felt pressured when relatives started asking me when I was going to have kids, when I had barely settled into my marriage. My answer of “I’ve not decided if I wanted kids” made for awkward conversation as it did not fit the image of a dutiful Chinese woman, and people would keep pressurizing me to have kids when I had already made my opinion clear. I would switch from feelings of guilt to frustration as I struggled with finding the “right” answer to their questions while being honest with myself.

Before I decided to have kids, I started to get pregnancy advice in the form of highly restrictive Chinese taboos from one of my sister-in-laws. The situation was particularly awkward as I had told her before that I had not decided if I wanted kids, yet reminding her about this was futile as she brushed away my comment, saying that it didn’t matter as she was preparing me for the future. I would sit for two hours as I received a starter’s guide to the world of highly restrictive Chinese pregnancy taboos, from not using the scissors (or your child would have a cleft lip), to not eating bananas (or you would have a miscarriage), to not having toys with eyes (as they may house spirits). While I had heard of some of these taboos before from my pregnant friends (one of them was unable to buy bananas as no fruit seller would sell them to her), this was the first time I was hearing them at length, and I knew that they were the start of more to come if I were to decide to have kids.

So when Ken and I decided to have kids last year and I became pregnant, I decided that it was best if (a) we didn’t share the news with anyone, and (b) we only share the news with selected people when I was ready. 

Firstly, I knew that sharing the news would lead to an influx of unsolicited advice, that, while well-intended, would be fear-based and generally unhelpful as it would be based on old wives’ tales. Secondly, Chinese pregnancies tend to receive intense scrutiny as everyone fuses over the mom with restrictions on what she should do/not do, ranging from logical to entirely illogical. These restrictions tend to be negative, overwhelming, and quite frankly, exhausting to deal with as you have to follow rule after rule just to appease the elders. Not doing so would lead to excessive worry on their end, while you would be repeatedly criticized and reminded of the consequences (cleft lip, miscarriage, baby being born ugly, etc.) should you not follow them.

As I felt that my priority should be to ensure a smooth pregnancy, not to allay others’ fears, I decided to keep my pregnancy a secret and focus on what needed to be done. Given that pregnancy is one of the most vulnerable phases of a woman’s life, with many changes happening to her body, the last thing I wanted was intense scrutiny of my actions. What I needed was a safe space to nurture my baby.

So for my entire pregnancy, we only shared the news with my dad and Ken’s parents, and later on with selected close friends toward the end of my term. Everyone else only knew post-birth. For the whole time, I made sure to keep a low-profile (which wasn’t that difficult as I’ve been living a low-key life for the past few years), and kept social meetups to a minimum.

My Pregnancy Journey

Keeping my pregnancy a secret gave me a lot of mental relief, and the quiet space to focus on it. I spent most of my free time outside of work reading articles, research studies, and pregnancy forums to learn about other moms’ experiences.

As I consume a vegan diet, I followed vegan pregnancy groups, on top of normal pregnancy groups, to get information pertaining to a vegan pregnancy.

After much research, I realized that I wanted a natural birth without intervention, and found an excellent gynae to help me achieve that. Ken and I took a course to educate ourselves on birthing, breastfeeding, and babycare (which in retrospect didn’t really prepare us for what was ahead), and I did a lot of reading up online.

Food & Nutrition

Throughout my pregnancy, I ate a nutrient-dense vegan diet with a strong focus on fruits and vegetables.

I didn’t eat much during my first trimester due to nausea (mine started at week 6 and lasted till week 11), and suffered very bad bloating which only improved in the second trimester. In total, I lost 2kg (4.4 lbs) during this time.

As I developed very bad acne during my pregnancy, I realized, through an elimination process, that the best diet where I wouldn’t have any acne is an oil-free, allergen-free, HCLF (high-carb low-fat) vegan diet. As almost every food sold today has some kind of oil or allergen (like soy), I had to learn to prepare my own meals (something that I hated doing in the past), and eventually developed simple recipes that I could adopt even on a busy schedule. I’d continue to eat this way post-birth and I consider this one of my best rewards from my pregnancy (besides Baby A of course)!

My favorite morning snack: Vegan Banana and Berries Ice Cream Sorbet (made by blending frozen banana and mixed berries). Easy to make, and ridiculously delicious. I’d follow this with whatever fruits are in the kitchen (which could be mango, papaya, berries, apples, honeydew, etc.).

One of my lunch snacks: Baked Potatoes, Brussel Sprouts, Asparagus (Vegan, no oil)

Another lunch snack: Quinoa salad with veggies of the day (Vegan, No Oil)

Dinner: Tomato pasta with mushroom and spinach, plus pumpkin (Vegan, no oil)

Weight & Exercise

Throughout my nine-month term, I only gained 5 kg (11 lbs) despite eating heartily every day (!). If you consider that I lost 2 kg (4.4 lbs) during my first trimester, then I really gained 7 kg (15.4 lbs) baby-wise.

While I was initially very concerned as it is below the weight gain of a typical pregnancy (12-15kg or 25-35 lbs), I later realized that this is simply a guideline and is not a target to hit if (a) you’re already eating healthy, (b) you’re not trying to lose weight, and (c) your baby is growing fine and everything is going well with your pregnancy. Depending on the guidelines you look at, a woman does not need to consume more calories in her first two trimesters, only an extra 200 calories per day in her last trimester,[1][2][3][4][5] and it’s more important that she consumes a nutrient-dense diet. I dropped to my pre-pregnancy weight right after birth (57 kg or 126 lbs; I’m 1.7 m or 5′ 7″), and I credit this entirely to eating a very clean diet during my term.

As swimming is a great exercise for pregnant women, I swam 2X a week from the middle of my second trimester leading up to birth, for about 30-40 minutes each time.

Supplements

The only supplements I took were folate (a few weeks before I got pregnant and for the first four months of my term), B12, and EPA/DHA, of which the latter two I normally take as a vegan anyway. I didn’t take any prenatals as (a) I would break out when doing so, even with fully organic ones, and (b) unless you have a deficiency, prenatal vitamins are really unnecessary and it’s more important to eat a nutrient-dense diet instead.

I also did not take calcium supplements which are routinely given to pregnant women. If you research this area, you’ll find that there is controversy surrounding calcium supplements, where researchers have found that taking calcium supplements may raise the risk of plaque buildup in arteries and heart damage.[7][9] Instead, I focused on consuming calcium through my diet, which is really the best way to take in calcium rather than through supplements.[10][11]

Screening Tests

Ken and I knew Baby A’s gender by the end of our third month as we took the Harmony Test, a test commonly offered from Week 10 to test for fetal abnormalities. The other commonly offered test is the Oscar Test. 

The Harmony Test has a 99.9% accuracy rate and lets you know the baby’s gender, while the Oscar test has a 80% accuracy rate and doesn’t test for the gender. The former is significantly more expensive, at 3-4 times the price of the latter (the prices depend on your clinic; in general the Oscar Test starts from S$300 or US$200 while the Harmony Test starts from S$1,000 or US$700).

As I read about parents who did the Oscar Test and had unnecessary scares due to false positives (after which they had to spend extra money to take the Harmony Test), and I was 34 years old then (pregnancies over 35 tend to have more risks of chromosomal issues), we decided to take the Harmony Test to avoid guesswork and to know the gender in advance. All the results were normal.

The other major screening we did was the 5-month anomaly scan, a standard mid-pregnancy scan to check your baby’s development and to scan for any growth abnormalities. Everything was normal as well, though my amniotic fluid index (AFI) was on the lower end (but still within normal range), so I made it a point to swim regularly and drink lots of water daily thereafter (both are instant ways to improve your AFI[12][13]). I also had bilateral notching which my gynae said is not uncommon and was nothing to worry about (and he’s right as everything progressed normally).

Throughout my pregnancy, I did not have gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, or preeclampsia, which can be common in the third trimester, and I credit a large part of this to eating a healthy diet.

Symptoms: Age Spots, Frequent Peeing, Round Ligament Pain

Besides nausea, bloating, and bad acne, another side effect I experienced was little bumps on my neck and a couple of pigmentations on my cheek which wouldn’t go away. In total, I had about 20 bumps on my neck by the time I gave birth. Moles also seemed to form very easily when I was in the sun, and were more pronounced than usual. I later found out that these are normal pregnancy side effects due to hormone changes, and they disappeared over a few months after I gave birth.

If you have a retroverted uterus like me, you’ll also experience frequent urination (2-3 times at night) in your first trimester. This stops once your uterus flips forward during your second trimester (it’ll do so by itself and there’s nothing you need to do to make it happen). Frequent urination will return in your third trimester as your bump grows larger and presses on your bladder. 🤣

At Month 6, I started to experience a sharp stabbing pain in the lower right side of my abdomen whenever Baby A stretched or kicked, and later my left side as well during my third trimester. As Baby A is a very active baby, this happened very often, and it was so painful at times that I thought my uterus was going to burst! 😱 I later found out that it’s a normal pregnancy symptom called round ligament pain.[14] I would experience it sporadically after giving birth, particularly when turning around in bed, and it disappeared after a couple of months.

Other funny observations during my pregnancy were feeling Baby A’s hiccups (started from Week 27, and she would hiccup a lot!), feeling her movements (starting from Month 4 — this became a few hundred times a day in as she is very active!!), and feeling her punches and kicks. My linea nigra (pregnancy belly line) appeared on Week 25 and darkened over the next few months.

Also, I started snoring occasionally from Week 28. 😑 This is apparently a common pregnancy symptom due swollen nasal passages from higher levels of estrogen.[15] Because I’m a light sleeper, I would wake myself up with my first snore. 😑 The snoring only happened over a few weeks, and stopped after I gave birth.

While swelling and swollen feet (edema) are common pregnancy symptoms, I didn’t experience any of this, and I feel that my diet definitely helped in this area.

Leading to Birth

When I was 9 months pregnant. This one was taken just two weeks before I gave birth!

Towards the end of my term, I became very tired. I could sleep for many hours and still feel tired in the day. My body would ache whenever I woke up, initially at my neck and back, and later spreading to my entire body in the final two weeks. This would disappear 20-30 minutes after waking up. There were days when I literally felt like a 90-year-old woman in the morning! This is normal and due to the body producing relaxin, a hormone that loosens joints to prepare for delivery.[16]

My bump “dropped” (known as lightening) in the middle of Week 35. During my third trimester, I had to wake up very frequently at night to go to the loo as my bump grew bigger and pressed on my bladder. It became quite tiring as I had to wake up 4-5 times per night in the final weeks while moving with my big bump!

These were all normal and were signs that my body was preparing itself for birth, which would happen soon enough. 🤣 

Stay tuned for the next part (coming next week) where I share my birth story! 🤣 

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