#can't wait to see my therapist on Tuesday

[vitiateoriginator]

If I get yelled at one more fucking time for something out of my control I am going to start mauling people

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update

CW: discussion of trauma (the trauma was a bad car accident)

I was able to pay for my dog's vet appointment and her medicine thanks to the person who paypal'd me ❤️❤️❤️ She isn't happy about having to take medicine again but hopefully this will be the last round, it's pretty much just probiotics and something to settle her stomach because the antibiotics really did a number on her tummy.

My hands ache from the crash but it's no worse than the soreness after crocheting for several hours. I can do some crocheting but I find thicker yarn much easier and less painful to work with right now. That said, I got a bunch of chenille yarn a while back and I have some larger plush versions of my Ralsei amogus dolls in the works. The first one is almost done, I just have to assemble and attach the hat. Will post a pic when he's done. I want to have at least 2 each with and without squeakers made and then I might reopen my Etsy shop and list them. They will cost more due to the cost of materials, but I'll probably mostly have dolls made of the chenille yarn for a while, at least until I can work with normal yarn without pain within minutes again. I'm hoping to sell a couple by Tuesday because I have another chiropractic appointment that day I'll need to pay for and my husband doesn't get paid again until Friday.

I'm still trying to process what happened. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I will be discussing it with her. This therapist is new to me, my previous one that I had for a few years left the place I'm with and is now working elsewhere. We've only had like 2 sessions but she seems nice. It's just a little frustrating having to break in a new therapist all over again but not really a problem so I'm not worried.

I drove today, to take my dog to the vet. It was scary. I didn't realize how paranoid I would be of other drivers, fully expecting anyone and everyone to whip out in front of me when they're waiting to exit a parking lot to the road or suddenly veer into my lane when they're right beside me and I panicked every time I saw them. It took a lot of self control to not slam on the brakes and to remind myself that other people are not going to do things like that. I have to remember I know how to drive safely and most people are not going to be so reckless as to do the dangerous things my brain is expecting them to do. My anxiety around driving is almost back to where it was while I was still very new at it, terrified to be on the road with other people and having no trust in them and even less trust in myself. I have to build up my confidence again and I have no idea how long it will take.

I have to say, getting hit by one huge trauma all at once sure feels different from the trauma I'm used to, which is the kind that builds up over many years in a toxic and dysfunctional family. It's kind of surreal, I find myself wondering if it was all a dream but then I see the bruises on my legs and feel the ache in my palms and how stiff and sore my body still is even after a chiropractic appointment and see the empty space where I would have parked my vehicle and I have to remember it really happened. I get this weird chill that seeps up the back of my head like cold water in my hair when I remember it. And yeah, I'm grateful I walked away with nothing worse than bruises and stuff my chiropractor fixes literally all the time anyway, but I wish it didn't happen.

It's all such a mess. Right now I'm just trying to focus on keeping myself fed with good food and busy with things that can make some money. I'm making chili tomorrow because it's one of the less expensive things I can make, and also I could use some comfort food after the week I've had. And maybe the familiar routine of cooking the beans will help soothe my brain. I only use dry beans as I can't stand the texture of canned beans. Cooking them isn't difficult or complicated, just time consuming and I think the 2 or 3 hours it'll take to cook them will do me some good.

It's after midnight and I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Goodnight, and stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[atinylittlepain]

sunday digest - fic recs and weekly happenings

howdy howdy, loves

it's the start of a new week, and with it, i have some fic recs and some updates for you

...........................

let's start with some updates

a few new things will be coming this week. thank you again for being so understanding as i slow down on posting new stuff for you <3

you can expect Apothecary chapter four on tuesday

i'm hoping to get the first installment of the Hayloft out by friday

if you missed it...

the third part of Ride It, called What a Ride, has been posted

i posted a very sweet, very short joel request much earlier last week. take a look at Favorite Part if you're interested

catch up on Apothecary chapter three before the next part comes out!

..........................

now for the fun stuff - fic recs!

@beskarandblasters has an awesome exes din djarin x f!reader fic called Tolerate It and there's a part twoooo

@swiftispunk is working on a dbf!joel series called In My Hometown that seriously rocks. it's got it alllll, folks

never not thinking about @pedgeitopascal's javier pena x f!reader fic Bailé Con Mi Ex wooh! boy, so good

@lovers-liability has an absolutely feral joel miller x f!reader fic called Dead Weight that made my head spin, in the best way

i am already soooo excited about @cutesyscreenname's new javier pena fic called A Cowboy Like Me. just, yes, read this, love this, can't wait for more of this

@littlelou22 has a joel miller x f!reader fic called Pretend that will pull on your heart strings in all the right ways, so well done

super stoked to see how @bearsbeetsbeskar's new joel miller x therapist!reader fic, Restoring the Roots, will continue. as a lil bb therapist student, i would love to see joel miller do some cognitive behavioral therapy lmao

i seriously love all of these :) if you have recs of your own, pls put them in the comments!!

............................

that's all i got for you today - drop me a line if you'd like, my inbox is always open

with care

gin

p.s. i just found out there are over 1800 of you hanging out on my lil corner of the internet, pornbots be damned, i love you all <3

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello all Happy Tuesday. We venture towards the end of S1. Thank you all for the love been getting makes my whole day/week. This episode is a gif desert legit one I can use haha So it'll be all screen-caps with my phone except one gif and this desert one haha My assumption is this will change as we get into later seasons. This one was lacking for sure in the gif dept.

1x17- The Shake Up.

This episode has Chenford separate which explains the lack of gifs tbh lol It's still a really good Lucy wise. We get a look into her family dynamic by meeting her father. We also get to see Nolan get the Tim treatment LOL Off we go.

Cold open gets me right in the feels. Nolan spotting Capt. Anderson’s grave during an arrest in the cemetery. Talia gives him a moment to pay his respects. A really nice scene. God she was so young. Love the nod to her after last ep. She deserved it.

A opportunity comes up during roll call to watch a protected witness. Nolan jumps on the chance. Talia instantly shuts it down. Says it's like watching paint dry. Grey tells him he's out of luck. Then Tim jumps in. Surprises the hell out of everyone. Says he'll go with Nolan to protect this witness. Heh you know Tim’s doing this to get a rise out of Nolan. Test him see what he’s made of. He’s ridden with the other two rookies and not him. John seems nervous af LOL it makes me laugh so hard how uneasy he looks.

Tim’s face LMAO I can not. Disgruntled with him from the get go. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t think much of Nolan. It has nothing to do with his age. It has to do with his personality I believe. Its the rambling he can't stand the most. I think he wanted to test drive Nolan see how he would do cause well Tim be Tim. He is going over the acronym and procedure with him as they’re leaving. Instantly thrown in deep in with Tim. Nolan goes on a rant and Tim just cuts him off by getting in the car LOL

They arrive on scene and meet with the DA. Tim is slightly offended when Delmonte thinks Nolan is in charge haha Let’s him know right away he is a rookie. Also cutting off Nolan’s convo with the DA about Jessica. It’s funny Tim is such a hard ass with everyone except Lucy. Now that is much more true towards the later seasons but still holds true in S1. He's softer with her than he was beginning of the season, but you can see the contrast between Lucy and anyone else easily. Watching Tim with John total night and day difference in his demeanor.

Also needs to be noted how vastly different these two are. This shot alone shows they're complete opposites. Their outfits show this more than any words ever could. John is dad clothes all day and Tim is a sight to see let’s just say that. Heh.

Something that is a plus about this ep is Talia/Lucy riding together again. I do love seeing them being paired up. This is a much better result/dynamic this time around. More of a mutual respect there. No Nolan garbage looming over them. On their first call they rescue a teenager from his mother. His girlfriend called it in concerned and rightfully so.

His mother had been torturing and dehydrating him in order keep him from his girlfriend. Doing some religious ritual or exorcism of sorts. Pretty damn awful to watch. Lucy asks if he’ll be ok. Talia says physically yes but mentally not for a long time. Good setup for the rest of the ep Lucy. Bit of foreshadowing with her father being brought into the picture.

As they're walking away she gets a call. Lucy asks if its ok to take it and Talia seems more than fine with. Its about her father. Talia overhears Lucy was going to wait to end of her shift to see him. She lets Lucy go right then and there. Talia is pretty great about it. She is the entire time for Lucy. Tells her it’s family when Lucy asks if it’s really ok they go and see him. Much more redeeming pair up this time around.

We get a first look into Lucy’s dynamic with her parents and it’s not a pretty one…Her father is a therapist and was attacked by one of his patients. Lucy naturally wants the guys name so she can go arrest him. Her first instinct is justice for him. He fights her on it says was just a dissociative episode. That his patient didn't mean to hurt him. Lucy battles back and says thats irrelevant, the law is clear and she should arrest him.

He doesn't respond well to this....Tells Lucy that the law is broken. That she is working for a broken system. Very combative with her from the jump. Lucy tries to use some reason. Tells him this isn’t the solution though. To pretend he didn’t break his arm. He goes on to say this is better this than arresting his patient for it.

Then after he's insulted her profession does a one-two punch to her gut with his words. He knows this is going to hurt her and it bugs me to no end. The guilt trip being laid down here. I have parents like this. When you aren't doing what they want they do this. The way he tears down her job and her concern for him in response angers me. She isn’t doing this to upset him but to help him. (not that he can see that) Lucy is a loving and protective person. She wants to do right by those she loves. What should be received as her caring is defensive in return. He’s attacking her every step of the way.

Melissa kills me in this scene. Honestly the entire episode with all her interactions with her dad. That look of devastation on her face ugh. I can relate. That emotional dismissal and really almost abuse she’s taking from him. That hurt she’s feeling in his disappointment. I just want to hug her. I too have parents like this so it hits home with me little harder.

I said back in 1x14 with plain clothes day how it seemed Tim was the first person to really fight for her. Believe in her. Support her. Why it meant so much that he did what he did that day. Tim probably has no idea the impact that made on her. By standing by her side the way he did. She obviously has little to zero support from her father in the career she’s chosen. That much is very clear in this exchange with him.

Even Talia can sense the tension from outside the room. Makes a comment to Gino while looking in. Its very evident you can feel chills coming in waves from her father. Lucy is still such a good daughter and stays anyways. Not that he deserves it….

We head back to Tim and Nolan. They have a credible threat for the safe house. Their witness Hayes starts to give a little mouth about his safety. Tim gets into ultra hard ass mode. I don’t hate it not gonna lie haha Doesn’t let this guy get under his skin. Shows no sign of backing down. Mmm. Don’t mess with my Tim.

The episode title lives up to its name and an earthquake ensues. Rocking the hospital in a bad way. I admire Lucy’s gut reaction to cover her father. I just love her so much. So loyal and willing to protect family even when they really don’t deserve it. This resonates with me so much. I too am the same way. Have that Italian familia loyalty drilled into to me. Taking care of family even when they really don’t deserve it.

Shortly after the quake the safe house is under fire. Something about watching Tim in action is so sexy. It’s like watching confidence in motion. Especially in this scene. Also very commanding and sure of what he wants to do. Tells Nolan to take their witness out back. If he doesn’t they’re sitting ducks. Nolan asks what if there is a shooter out there too? His reply is the best. ‘Then you’ll shoot them.’ LOL love this man.

They make it out and head to the beach. Assuming this is a good a hiding spot as any. This is such a good scene. Apart from fact Tim looks fine af just leaning against that railing. Its not long before they're found. They soon figure out Hayes has a tracker on him. That the men that attacked the safe house weren't there to kill Hayes but to rescue him. Hayes makes a crass comment about Capt Anderson. How they should just let him go or they’re gonna lose another buddy in line of duty. Tim knocks him out instantly. Get em' Tim! What a schmuck. Tells Nolan hook him up for them to find as a lure.

They dispatch of the rescue team fairly quickly. Once again love watching Tim in action. There’s a nice little nod between Tim and John once they’re done. Nice to see. He knows how to reward good work. He was crucial in their take down. Tim makes sure he gets a little attaboy hehe Lucy has softened him up a bit for sure.

We go back to Lucy at the hospital. She breaks my heart in this scene. Melissa crushes this 110 percent with the way her voice breaks getting emotional. Telling her father how she was taught to be true to herself. That this job is who she is, that it makes her so happy. (that should be enough) She goes on to say she knows he hates the system. That it’s designed to punish people and not care for them. Then strongly defends herself as a person. Basically pleading with him to accept/and understand her and her job.

I commend how strongly Lucy backs the fact that she can make a difference. That the system can't change unless there is someone in it to fight. After this statement her dad relents a little. Earlier he heard her talking to the victim of that first call her and Talia took. He was in the hallway listening. He heard how the kid's mother was going to face charges but her frame of mind would be taken into account.

That if the son could be a character witness on her behalf they could get her the helps she needs. He tells her she was honest and kind. That he was impressed. You think hey we’re making progress. He’s finally understanding her and her choice in career. Won’t be going after her so much now. Hoping his perception of her has shifted a little.

Then his patient who broke his arm walks in….At first Lucy has no idea who this guy is. Her father keeps trying to shoo him away. Then Lucy being the smart cookie she is puts it’s together. Immediately she has to do her job and arrest this man. You can see the regret on her face but it’s her duty to arrest him. She has no choice. Something her father is failing to understand.

It’s insane to me he could use logic just moments ago. Then turn on her so quickly. He could do the same thing that mothers kid is going to do. Be a character witness and get him the help he needs in the system. He’s so cold to her when she says she’ll be back after his surgery. Tells her not to bother. He would rather her compromise her own ethics and morales for his needs. Sacrifice his own daughter and her career for his patient. She like Tim has a moral compass she refuses to corrupt even for family.

That heartbreak on her face devastates me though. Now don't get me wrong, I’m with her dad with the system being broken. It is. Mental health needs to be addressed more especially in situations such as this. What upsets me is how her father treats her the entire episode. He should be proud of the fact that her morale code is so strong. That she isn't willing to be compromised. Instead he scolds her. Ridicules Lucy. Making her feel small and shameful for her job. When he's just upset she wouldn't bend the rules cause it was his patient.

Basically saying Lucy is part of the problem when she takes William away. When she is one the most empathetic humans to wear a badge. She’s desperately trying to reach out for him to understand. To accept her. All she gets in return is discouragement and emotional abuse. I know that intense reception of disappointment/guilt/shame you get from your parents. It guts you. When they should be building her up and supporting her they do the opposite. She’s so resilient and then you meet her parents and see why she is.

The look of utter devastation as she leads this guy out. Logically she know her father is in the wrong. But that emotional part of you that wants that approval so badly doesn't care about logic. Worst part of that scene is she had it for a split second till it was about HIS patient. When the same procedure can be followed for William. Will it be easy? No but it can be done, things put in place to help his patient. But he can’t see it that way. Only see how its affecting him. Then just like earlier casts her away because he disapproved of her decision.

Talia see’s Lucy writing up the arrest report and checks in. Lucy says she wants to add a mental health report addendum to it. Talia asks if she really thinks that or trying to get back in her fathers food graces? Lucy is firm in her reply. Says she’s pretty sure that’s impossible but knows he’s not wrong. That this guy doesn’t need prison he needs help. (she knew this before and helped out that kid's mother same way but Talia doesn't know that) Tells her was she’s going to do whatever she can to get it for him.

Talia approves and tells her 'Good' Once again being a good person despite her parents. Lucy then asks was that a test? Her reply is too funny haha As I said earlier this pair up was much better second go around. Not dominated by the Nolan BS. They had good rapport and even got a “test” she passed. Rough rough episode for Lucy emotionally though. She at least gets to end it with a laugh and a smile.

This ep gave us some insight to one of her parents. Little bit of her upbringing. We can see why she’s so damn driven to be a good cop. That instinct to prove your parents wrong can be a great motivator. You want to show them how capable you are. So they can be proud of you. Sadly despite her best efforts they seem to only feel disappointment.

Or as we see later with Lucy's mom her thinking this is a 'hobby' for Lucy. Like this was just dress up and a game. She wants her to come back to reality. Once again belittling her dedication and passion for her job. That's a discussion for a later ep though. Sucks when it’s both parents and not just one. Something I can also relate to. Both discouraging and not supportive whatsoever. Trivializing Lucy and her life choices just because it’s not what they wanted for her. Fastest way to drive your kids away and have them never return.

~~~~~

Side notes- Non chenford Didn’t really have much tbh. Whole ep didn’t have them lol I was just hot for Tim this whole ep hahah What else is new I know. They both had really good SL's in this one, but I always miss them when they’re apart the whole time.

That’s all she wrote for 1x17 thank you all for your interest. Blows my mind. Will always shout you all at for your likes, comments and reblogs. They make my whole day when I get them :) see you all in 1x18

[xaykwolf]

Why I was gone for like...two months:

So as some of y'all know, as part of my psych doc program, I have to do several year-long trainings without pay as exposure experience. Well, last July not only did I move apartments in one of the most stressful times of my life, I also started a training site at a behavioral health hospital for peds and adolescents.

Over the course of the last 7 months, I witnessed and had to hold space for some of the most severely-ill kids that our society is only happy to continue neglecting. During that time, I was expected to help them find hope and some behavioral changes with very little support from the organization (and, up until half a month ago, from my supervisor as well). I lost my appetite completely and somehow still managed to gain weight, I now have gray hairs when I didn't even grow them under my emotionally abusive supervisor during my intermediate training year, and I began making far too many serious jokes about suicide and homicide. I already don't get enough sleep, but I got even worse somehow, and took up a coffee brand with the highest caffeine content I could find. I obviously dropped off the face of the Earth here, and I stopped being able to engage in pretty much every other thing that brings me joy in life. Our caseloads climbed to extreme just before the winter holidays, but we were assured that it would dwindle again after we got back from the week. They did not. We lost two therapy students, one for health reasons, and one for bureaucratic bullshit during that first week back, and so those of us who were left behind were left holding the bag. We were then informed that major structural changes were going to be made to the partial hospitalization program we have, with little control over how it would affect us and very little notice as to when the changes would be made. To make matters worse, as an advanced student I had also taken on some diagnostic duties. That meant I was working with a practically full caseload and doing testing alongside it with insane deadlines for reports. I tried to let my supervisor know that I needed these dropped or at least reduced, then we got 23 referrals for testing in a single week. The diagnostic students went from 1-3 cases to 3-4 at a time, which is not viable in the slightest, and I knew things were gonna get even worse. And then, the heart palpitations started. I'd wake up with squeezing chest pains, especially on practicum days, and they no longer went away throughout the course of the day. I already know my genetic destiny is a cardiovascular nightmare, so I knew something had to give. I talked to my school, and they decided that I would be pulled from the site BUT because I couldn't finish out the school semester, I will have to redo my entire advanced training year. They may have me set up to go to a private practice site that aligns much more closely with my philosophy and needs, but as of right now I'm waiting to see if I scored an interview. If not, it's back to round 2 of applications for next year YET AGAIN.

All that to say, now that I'm finally officially out of my position at the hospital site, I'll have more time for things like Tunglr. It may take quite a while before I recover, all things considered. Tuesday is the first day I would usually be back at prac for the week, so that may be when my soul can finally acknowledge that it's over and I'm not going back. I've learned quite a bit about myself personally and about how I work as a therapist, so I can't say I regret my time at the hospital per se, but I know things will be much easier if I can score a position at this private practice for next year. In the meantime, I'm choosing to try and push it out of my mind. I've got my last two regular classes to finish, and I've got time to devote to catching up on my dissertation. I reconnected with a buddy with intention, and he and I are doing the parallel play of working on recreational skills we want to learn while talking over vidchat. (I've finally started on a Bee AMV that I've been wanting to make for years now!) I've got video games, and maybe streaming(?), to get back into.

I've made the decision to choose my heart, both physically and metaphysically, over an expedited academic path, which is not the choice I would've made a few years ago. So I don't know how long it'll take for things to go back to "normal" here, but I'm at least back on the right track for myself. Progress and all that. 💙

[littleoddwriter]

Update:

it's been a little over 3 weeks and... I had to quit the clinic/leave early. which obviously derails the plans I've had completely. which is annoying and very frustrating and elicited feelings & thoughts I hate to have. but it was the right decision. this clinic was horrible for me and only made me more unstable with every day that I was there (didn't think that was possible, lol).

(details and a bit of a rant under the cut)

while, usually, it makes sense for things to get a little worse first before it gets better, this was not the case here. I didn't feel comfortable with the staff. the doctors and therapists seemed very dismissive and hectic to me. the organisation and communication were crap. (like... how the fuck do I have five doctors/therapists in a room with me, discussing what meds to give me, only for them to not have a single clue about that a week later (after not giving me the meds because they Forgot...) and not believe me when I repeated what THEY told me. only for the meds to have lactose in them (I'm lactose intolerant) and so of course I reacted (they KNEW I had an issue with lactose and still gave them to me. I wouldn't even have known what was in them if I hadn't looked up the package insert online...) like what the actual fucking fuck). I've been to 2 clinics before and it was far better there, which is great and I'm glad I had something to compare my experience there to because sometimes I thought I might be overreacting, but I explained it to both of my social workers independently and they both agreed that it was Not Good. I already felt that way on my very first day there, but decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and just wait and see for two weeks at least. but alas, it only got worse for me. I also sat down with one of the doctors and one of the therapists and my social worker last week to talk my issues and my fears through with them; but again, they just didn't even try to help. (basically, what that talk came down to was that "[they] can't do more than what [they're] doing already (virtually Nothing) and it's solely on me to make the best of it or quit otherwise". obviously, I know that myself. I was looking for some guidance and help. some sort of advice. maybe a recommendation for someplace else. just... something. i explicitly asked for it, too. and I would have gotten that at those two other clinics I went to before because they actually cared about helping me. just for comparison's sake. instead, I was busy explaining my issues (more than I listed here, and I didn't exactly say that I had issues with the staff because duh but y'know, there were enough other issues that came up anyway) three times to make them somewhat 'understand' and have my social worker reiterate how badly I've been doing and how much help I need and that I'm feeling very helpless and alone; even while I'm there.)

for anyone that ever considers going to a mental health clinic: you should feel like you can actually talk to somebody if needed. you should feel safe. you should feel like you'll be caught when falling. you should never feel like you have to manage on your own completely. mental hospitals are for support and management. the staff should be a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, a guiding hand, a safe haven that you can practice in/with. if that is not what you encounter at the hospital, you should look for a different one (if possible).

anyway. I've been debating with myself for over a week whether or not I should actually quit and I couldn't really decide until this Tuesday. that was the first day I was back at the clinic after five whole days off (because of the holidays), and it was like Hell on earth. it only showed me that if I had to do this every day for 3 to 5 more weeks, I'd break down completely and can go to a closed psychiatry right after, which is exactly what I've been trying to prevent with this clinic, of course. that's how bad it'd been for me there.

something that's been frustrating me most about this clinic and the dismissiveness of the staff I encountered, though, is that they were very clearly not equipped for a patient like me (somebody with severe symptoms, several different disorders, unprocessed traumas, etc.), and that they should have felt responsible enough to tell me that when I came in for a first talk in December to be put on the waiting list for a spot at the clinic. the whole point of this first talk is to assess whether or not this clinic is the right space for me, if they are equipped for somebody like me. instead they just waved me through and now I was forced to have that realisation on my own and become increasingly angry toward the staff because it's very irresponsible of them. most other patients I encountered there had depression, anxiety, and/or burn-out and were already on their way to getting better. and this clinic helped them gain back control, learn to manage better, etc. and for a lot of them it helped them. that's great and I'm happy for them! but it's very clear that that is what this clinic is truly for. not for someone like me. and they know that, in my opinion, they should know that, at least. and they should have told me to look for a different clinic instead because this wasn't the one for me. (but from what I've been told by other patients they really just let anyone in there...)

my social workers and I are working on making sure I can find something else (not a clinic for now tho). hopefully, I can get stabilised with the different approach we've been looking into, so I can do the second clinic stay (at the one I've been to before) I've mentioned in my original post.

anyway... that's the update. I wish it was a happier/more optimistic one. but alas, maybe next time!

take care! <3

[your-queer-dad]

(Vent sorry, not about queerness I just have nowhere else to say this where I'll get any sort of response)

Ive been having to deal with so much stuff lately. Like I was fine when I was in the midst of severe depression cause I didn't think I'd live very long anyways but now I need to come to terms with everything I've been ignoring for at least a year and at most my whole life. Like I'm AuDHD in a decently ableist family (middle/working class white cishet moderate leftists who think they're very progressive, you know the type) and I've had absolutely shit experiences with the people who should be helping me with that stuff (my old therapist was actively uneducated and ableist, my psychiatrist was a white cishet man in his 60s or 70s and I had to teach him what masking is and how adhd and autism present in AFAB people) which makes that really difficult in general because all my friends know I have AuDHD but I can't officially come out and say that I do because my family will deny it and tell me I'm being attention seeking and looking for excuses for being lazy and a flawed person. I also don't physically look the way I've been convincing myself I look naturally for a long time (yay anorexia recovery) and it's just messing me up a lot because when I look at my reflection I just feel visceral disgust. I'm still on the lower end of a healthy weight, but I can only see a few of my ribs now and my stomach isn't flat anymore. Everyone else says they can't notice but I feel like I've lost everything that made me good, and I'm scared that gaining weight is going to stop me from passing. I hate being with my parents and I just feel like I'm a horrible person for that, I only got hit once and other than that they're just toxic and sort of manipulative/emotionally abusive. They try their best they just can't raise me right and I feel like shit for that. I wish I could be spending more time outside, but I had a medical emergency thing on Tuesday (my mom doesn't let me call it a seizure because we don't know for sure) and I'm scared that that's going to happen again, and my constant joint pain has just gotten worse. My friends are telling me that I need to talk to a doctor about this, but the wait time for rheumatology is insane and my parents thing I'm making it up/exaggerating/looking for attention and even if they believe me they don't think it's important and worth getting help for. I'm scared that I'm going to die, last time it happened my entire body went numb and stiff and I couldn't move and I was just twitching for like 15 minutes. I also completely lost my vision before this happened, and it was greyscale/coming back slowly for the entire thing, plus I could barely hear anything. If that happens again I genuinely think that I might die. I also have scars all over my legs and chest and I have to either hide them or find some sort of explanation for them that won't make the people I work with during the summer think I'm not suited for working with kids (summer camp counseling). I spent all of last year thinking I was never going to turn 15 and now I kind of wish I hadn't.

I want to live but it's all so overwhelming and if I falter or let my parents see that I'm scared, they'll force me into the role of a small child and start treating me like a toddler or an animal like they always do. I just don't know what to do and I know it's horrible and selfish and disgusting but I just wish my mom would die. I can't live like this, it's only 3 more years but I'm just so scared. She keeps threatening me and saying I won't get into college or I'm failing high school because of how long I was out of school due to psych ward stuff even though she knows that not getting into college is my main fear- if that happens, I can't keep going. I know that I'm going to kill myself if I can't get into college. After that I'm still going to need to pay off student loans and I might not have my best friend with me (if I have him ill be okay and he says that he promises he'll try to live with me in college) and I just can't deal with that. I need to catch up on school and I need to learn to drive and then I need to get ready for my job in the summer and I need to make sure my grades are good enough for colleges to want me and I need to get people to like me and I just can't do it. I don't want to die but I feel like it's the only answer, I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm not supposed to be alive. I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Sorry about the rant you don't need to answer at all I know this is a lot

-🔆

Hey kiddo. Please please don't apologise for reaching out, I'm here for you and I'm always here for you, night and day my inbox and DMs are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

God, it sounds like you've had a rough deal. I understand where you're coming from. With parents, it's so hard when they don't do what they're supposed to do as parents and they don't understand you or believe you when you ask for help. It's awful and I am so sorry.

From the sounds of things, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, as well as all that pressure around you. As scary as the future is, it isn't going to creep up on you one day. It's tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and every single day after that. You have time to breathe and rest and do whatever you need to do. You can't do everything at once, you're only human- and expecting yourself to do everything at once only caused burn out and stress.

Also, as a person who's gone through eating disorder recovery- weight doesn't stop you from passing. I promise you it doesn't. It's a good thing! It's a sign that all the work you've done recovering has paid off. I'm proud of you.

Keep your head up kiddo, I'm so so proud of you. Remember to take care of yourself, let yourself breathe and don't expect yourself to do everything all at once. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Love you,

- dad x

[strangerinnastrangelandd]

I don't know what I'm doing here.

If my 18 year old self found out that I skipped out on a charity rave to make a Tumblr page in the year of our lord 2023 she would... Well, shed probably be cool with it because she was in jail waiting to sign my will to live over to the state of new jersey. She's probably ask me for a cigarette.

Any way I found this really beautiful journal last night in a garbage can while I was on my way out of a comedy show (btw rlly funny support indie comedians case comedy free at Abyssinia in philly every Tuesday night!) and it was brand new with the lilies" all across it. It made me miss drawing, scribbling little poems, feeling like I was leaving something positive behind. The last ten years of survival mode made me a really miserable person for a long time. If I had one wish, it would be to transfer my conscienceness into a newborn baby and relive life knowing everything I know now. Me now, in my sixteen year old body? I could be a doctor! I could be a drug kingpin! I could be invited to parties ! Here's how I imagine the difference would be;

current me : CM

young me: YM

CM: hey, let's ask lucy to hang out

YM: if she really liked us she would have asked already

CM: she just asked if you wanted to hang out at home room..

YM: I asked first clearly she hates me

CM: ok... Johnny asked if you want to go to the beach with blah blah blah and also blah

YM: I hat blah and blah and I had like two granola bars today I can only wear sweatshirts until I poop you KNOW this

CM: ok... We got invited to a party---

YM: I have soCIAL ANXIETY

CM: uh... We could go to *best friends house* and watch a movie?

YM: no I don't feel like putting pants on

CM: ok well I have plans with a friend so I'll just leave ya to it----

YM: I wish I had friends :/ no one likes me! I never get invited anywhere! I don't know what it is!!! *aggressively chews hot pocket*

-end scene-

I would do more of an intro post if anyone ever asks but for now this will be my little place to rant and post my pathetic doodles and snapshots. And also! I will explain at a later date but I made a gofundme kind of for shits and giggs and mostly out of desperation. I just got evicted seven days after moving into this room, owned by a man who wanted no background check or even a deposit. Yes I know it sOuNdS tOo gOoD tO bE TrUe I KNOW OKAY I GET IT- essentially the landlord is mentally ill, bizarely paranoid, obsessed with my social life to the extent that I face a ten to twenty minute inquisition about my actual plans for the day... I could go on, but it's a tale for another day. Anyway, I have to stay in Philly until October and I definitely want to get tf out of dodge the day they hand me those papers. All my money since moving here has gone to rent, deposits, food and fines to two different states. I've been able to get my license back for a year but I literally can't afford the fee, or a car to rent to take the driving test.

But hold on! This ain't a sad story kids! Because I've decided to get in on that #vanlife game. Not to TikTok or anything, just because... Well, I've been stuck between NJ and PA for ten years. I accomplished a lot I think, got clean off drugs and worked for several reputable rehabs, made some friends, heard some live music, met some cool strangers... But I want to see the world. I don't want to sign a lease every year and plan my vacations six months I'm advance. Life has proved time and time again that I'm just not cut out for it , mentally or physically. I guess someone else would see a therapist, go on antidepressants and make themselves adjust. I was on of those people. But freedom is so close I can taste it. I wasted my twenties and I don't plan on being forty regretting even more then I do now.

Fun game! Guess which girl is on drugs!

Any way, the go fund me. I found a pretty good RV my friend says he can fix up for $4000. I know even if I'm hired tomorrow I won't be able to even think about saving until I find a place to live so ya know what? Fuck it. Here's my change cup.

https://gofund.me/cacfe1eb

[housegrouch]

July 2nd, early morning

I've decided to use this blog as a journal part-time whenever I have something on my chest I need to get rid of.

For the past 8 months (before May), I was a student in a course-based graduate program. I made a friend on orientation day in September, and we quickly became what I would call best friends. We talked on campus every day, and we had the same classes because our program was designed that way. I was glad that I had made a friend so quickly after moving to that city because I'm introverted and autistic and making friends doesn't come easily to me.

In May, we all split up to start our respective research placements for the summer. Almost all of us were doing them at different places, but most of us were doing them in a specific region. I am one of the students who is doing their placement quite far from the others - across the country, in fact. The last time we all hung out was at a potluck that I organized for our class back in April. At this potluck, my best friend told me (while tipsy) that she considered us best friends, the type that stay friends for years and years. I was glad that she'd said that, and so happy to be her friend. I haven't had that many friends in my life, and I've been bullied before by people who I'd previously called my friends. Before we all split up, she told me that we should video call each other weekly during our placements so we could stay in touch and update each other about our research.

Moving to my placement was difficult for me. Not just the move itself, but settling in as well. Any change to my routine is already difficult for me, so this major change to a place where I had no friends and no family was pretty much excruciating. I didn't have (and still don't have) a support system. In the last city I lived in (where I met this friend and started the program), I moved there with my dog, and it was a three-hour drive from my hometown, so my mother could visit me easily (and she did, many times). This time, because of the distance and the fact that my apartment building doesn't allow pets, I didn't bring my dog with me. I miss her terribly. I was expecting my friend to contact me the day I arrived, if not a couple days later, because that's what she said she would do. But she didn't.

I tried contacting her many times. I asked when she would be available for a video call. She would say "Oh, I'm free next Tuesday in the evening." I waited until then, but no video call. I let it slide the first couple of times because I knew she was busy with her placement. But I could see her stories on Snapchat and Instagram. She was out with her other friends every weekend watching local amateur car races (there's a special word for them - I can't remember what they're called), and it looked like she was having fun. To be honest, I don't really believe her when she says she's busy. So I stopped trying to reach out after a month of this. She never reached out to me first. In fact, it took her a month and a half after I moved her for her to text me first.

I'm left wondering if she was ever really my friend. Typing that really hurts me, but it's true. Because I would never treat her like this. I don't want to sound clingy, but I would have liked to stay in touch with her more often besides some distracted texts of "How's your placement going?" "Oh, it's going slowly. Kind of struggling to get by." The second text in this example of conversation is typical of what I would say to her. I even straight-up told her I was depressed and she said she couldn't answer right then because she was at her placement, but she would answer after she got home that evening. I never received her text, and she hasn't brought it up since.

Look, I'm not expecting her to be my therapist or anything. I don't want to talk to her about how I've been feeling since I got here. The two straight weeks of me lying on my bed in the dark, too depressed and paralyzed by executive dysfunction (I have ADHD as well, for which I'm not medicated due to issues with picking up my prescription in a different region than the clinic who originally prescribed the medication) to move or do anything. I don't want to tell her that it got so bad that I couldn't make myself things to eat, despite having a full refrigerator and cupboard of food. I ordered myself meals on a food delivery app, then left the garbage to rot (literally) on the floor of my room. I once tried an avocado milkshake of some sort, and hated it. Instead of throwing it out, I left it to sit on my desk. Over the days, the contents produced gas which burst the soft plastic "lid", letting fetid avocado juices run all over the desk and soak into my things which I'd left on the desk because I didn't have the energy to put them away. I don't even want to tell you about how my room smelled. I didn't shower for weeks, if not more than a month. I ran out of clean laundry because I couldn't make myself do my laundry in the basement because I could barely manage to wake up most days. I reeked, and I felt vile. I felt inhuman. I got sick twice (once with stomach flu, another with a pretty bad cold which may have been COVID, though I'm vaccinated against it) and I ate once a day. Just a 70-calorie can of chicken noodle soup. I felt like I was dying.

All I needed to hear was her (my friend's) voice. Don't get me wrong, it's not her fault that I was (and still am) this depressed. Having a video chat with her wouldn't have cured me, and I don't expect it to. I wasn't going to tell her any of this. I just wanted to feel some connection to a human being in my life. I have a roommate, but she spends all of her time with her boyfriend (who I don't like) and I don't like my roommate as a person anyway, so I would never consider being friends with her. I've gone days, if not a week at one point, without speaking to a single human being. Don't even get me started on the touch starvation. I've been very tempted to hook up with someone just to relieve that pain, but I've only done that once so far. It was a good experience, all things considered. But it still wasn't enough.

You could say that maybe my friend was also depressed or having a rough time, and that was why she wasn't answering my texts, "forgetting" to answer them, or too "busy" to video chat with me. If that's the case, all I would have needed from her is a simple "Hey, I'm not doing too well right now emotionally, so I may not be available a lot this summer to chat." That's it, that's all. But I didn't receive any kind of message from her like that. I would never, ever, tell her in real life how I really feel about her not holding up to what she said to me at the beginning of this summer and how much that hurt me. I would feel embarrassed and vulnerable if I told her something like that. It's one thing to tell her about how other people have hurt me (such as my mother, which I have told this friend about), but to tell her that she's hurt me to her face is another thing entirely. I'm scared that if I did that, she'd either try to excuse and/or explain it by saying that she was having mental health issues of her own (totally valid, I would just have appreciated more communication if that was the case) or just say that she didn't realize that I was lonely and that all I would have needed to do was straight-up tell her what I needed.

Respectfully, as an adult, I don't think I need to be the one to tell her (or anyone) this, that I was expecting clearer communication from her and that I wanted to talk to her more often as my friend. The onus should not be on me to deal with that. That is something that I think she should either already know or be able to figure out as a mature adult. I'm so fucking tired of people putting the onus on me in my life to deal with things that aren't my fault. Even though my mother is the one who hurt me so much and one could even say emotionally abused me, the onus is on me to deal with the pain through therapy (that I would need to pay out of pocket for, which I can't afford to do) and find a way to move out of her house (which she would never let me do permanently and which, again, I can't currently afford to do). Even though my mother has never genuinely apologized to me for her behavior and she continues to act that way, the onus is on me to deal with the pain and make sure that I don't do something harmful to myself because of it (I never have). The same applies to my father, except he's no longer in the picture because they're divorced and I stopped talking to him years ago (not that he ever talked to me much in the first place). I'm just so tired.

At the same time as all of this is happening, I feel like ridiculous pressures are being put on me. I have a research placement to complete, a final report to write, a presentation to prepare. I have to somehow pay rent each month, despite not having a job and having my mother get angry at me when I need to ask her for money each month to pay the rent. I have to deal with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic and controlling mother who keeps trying to micromanage my finances and gets mad at me when I so much as buy a cup of coffee without her permission. I have to eat. I have to find some loud music to listen to as my roommate has sex with her boyfriend two rooms away for the umpteenth time.

I'm just really fucking tired, and so, so angry, and there are a million things that I need to do for the research placement that I haven't been doing because I feel so depressed that I feel like my soul is screaming in pain every day. Except no one can hear it but me. And anytime that I've tried to tell my mother about any of this, she starts giving me "solutions" and "recommendations" that I didn't ask for to "solve the problem", but I never asked for that. All I ever wanted is for someone to listen to me.

[takoichigo]

I fucking hate this.

When I was in the hospital, I asked for help with my mental health. In May. On discharge, they gave me a list of every single provider in a 50 mile radius and a sheet of paper that said "referral to mental health" on it and that was it.

The cancer center has a social worker who reached out to me, and she said she'd help me find someone. She found two places, and I picked the one with female therapists. She said they'd give me a call the first week of June to schedule an appointment.

Nobody ever called me.

I went back and forth with the social worker a few more times. The cancer center has a therapist on staff, so I went to see her a couple of times, but we didn't click at all and she was not helpful. She mostly just made me uncomfortable. The social worker said she'd keep trying to find someone for me.

I finally got an appointment with a place last week, on Monday. They upset me immediately because I had no idea how high the copay was (literally more than a hospital visit) and the receptionist and billing folks were both pretty nasty with me. I still haven't gotten paid and I had $7 to my name. They made me agree to pay them this week once I got paid, but I looked and I'm still not getting paid this week. I have an email in to HR about what the fuck is happening there, because I was supposed to have short term disability kick in on July 1st and I still haven't seen anything from it, but of course they haven't replied to it.

Anyway I did see a therapist last Monday, but all we did was fill out paperwork and she asked me about whether I wanted to kill myself and what triggered that. She was surprised they hadn't done a screening on me first, so when I went to leave she brought them paperwork to set that up and said I'd likely hear from them by the end of the week. I had another appointment that was scheduled for today, for the purposes of discussing medications I am currently taking. I never heard from them last week.

This morning they called me to remind me of my appointment today, and I asked about the screening. They tried to say I'd done it last week, and when I said no, I hadn't, they said they'd have to check into it and call me back, but if I hadn't done the screening there was no reason for me to come in today.

They did not call me back. I had to pull many strings to get rides to and from my appointments this week, so I called them back myself after waiting as long as I could. They told me not to come in, and said they'd call me back to schedule the screening. So I canceled my rides.

Half an hour later a different person calls me to let me know my appointment is canceled for today (thanks! I know!) and they want to schedule my screening. They ask when I'm free and I say basically whenever, but not tomorrow. She pauses and says "oh! I had a cancellation for today at 2! Can you come in for that?"

...that's when my appointment was supposed to have been to begin with.

I was kind of rude about saying no, I would not be coming there today. Now I have to wait till next Tuesday. For a screening. So they can schedule another appointment about the medications I'm on. So they can figure out how to actually get me into mental health care. And by that point I'll have spent over $350 on copays. That I don't have.

If it hadn't been so hard to get into a place, ANY place, I'd have walked out the door last week when they were nasty to me and said to hell with this place. I'm gonna try to talk to the social worker again tomorrow, I guess.

I'm so angry and fed up at this point. It's like every fucking thing I've had to deal with has been an absolute failure. I'm half tempted to just go to the hospital and scream at people until someone agrees to see me about my fucking brain. Because it can't take any more of this.

[bigbihatemachine]

On Monday, I phoned my dept I'm waiting for therapy for bc they said they'd start in person in spring and well...

Also I'm not doing well.

The dude who answered told me they don't do that specific type of therapy in this nhs trust or dept but in the other one in our area (like one trust is for the major hospital in our area, the other is for the general v small county we live in, it's v confusing) and a completely separate dept who literally does the same service which I find deeply confusing bc, again, the two trusts are in the same v small county. Like small even for the UK. Also I've had different therapy with the dept before and my therapist said she'd be running this therapy and didn't mention any of this.

So he gives me the number for the other dept who are shut for the day and I call on Tuesday and can't get through so leave a message and they get back today (Wednesday). I miss them and they leave a message and I call back but apparently I def don't have a referral waiting for them and check my hospital records and there's literally nothing at all, no record. They said I needed to get my GP to refer me to them but the original dept could prolly do it to.

At this point I'm holding back tears bc it took me A YEAR to get into the first dept originally and I've been waiting like 3/6 months for therapy and, to reiterate I'm not doing well. I've even turned down other offers of help bc I thought I had this.

To uh yeah I phone the 1st dept back again and go 'uh yeah so I'm trying to track down my referral, the second dept are saying this now, can you please tell me what's going on?' and it's a different person this time and they immediately go 'yeah I can see you have an outstanding referral to our x therapy here, that's just waiting atm for in person sessions to start.'

I was like 🙃🙃🙃🥺🥺🥺🥺 but your colleague told me a completely different story and told me x and she was like 'uhhh did you get a name 🙃' and I was like no but he was a bloke and she was like nw I know who that was 🙃🙃🙃 and then offered to just find out the wait times like I wanted in the beginning 😭

Like.... Multiple mental breakdowns for literally nothing 😭😭 I do not have the resilience for this

Nvm the fact that I also found out from the second dept that my GP sent the wrong referral in my efforts to get mobility aids... For like the 4th or 5th time now? Apparently me being not 80 is throwing them and they don't know what to do and they're kinda panicking and sending me to random depts to see what happens which is def not a waste of everyone's time and a little triggering???

[timewasjustadream]

I hate the US health insurance system, particularly Aetna. They are the worst.

For the past 3-4 weeks, I've had sudden, new symptoms in lower back that I haven't felt since I had back surgery 5 years ago. Tingling in the feet. Sciatica. Pain near the spine. Back muscles feeling like they are working harder than they should. Can only sit on the edge of a seat because sitting normally hurts.

I saw my doctor. Got a steroid pack to try to pull down the inflammation. I'm seeing a physical therapist for a leg muscle pull and they are concerned about the sudden change in my back given my history. They wanted me to see a spine specialist. I should note that I can't go back to my surgeon because he doesn't practice anymore.

I contacted a new spine center. They won't see me without an MRI because of my surgical history. I went back to my primary care doctor, who ordered the MRI. I got it scheduled for about a week later. I checked the patient portal last night (appointment is tomorrow) and the appointment is gone.

Turns out, Aetna denied the MRI so the radiology place canceled my appointment without telling me. I'm still scheduled to see the spine doc on Tuesday (6 days from now).

So I got the MRI rescheduled to today and I paid $867 out of pocket to have an MRI that my insurance should have covered if I had suffered for 2 more weeks and gone back to my doctor after.

Yep. Aetna requires 6 weeks of "treatment" and a follow up visit to my primary care before they will pay for an MRI. Mind you, had they covered it, I would have paid $100 and they would have paid $400. $400!! And they would have paid 6 weeks of PT (probably going to happen anyway) and the follow up visit to my doc.

I called Aetna and asked about the denial. They told me the above but also told me the other MRI policies. 15 days for pre-authorization, which I didn't successfully get past. If the doctor marks it as "urgent", they can do the pre-authorization in 72 hours.

How do they define "urgent" you may ask.

To Aetna, "urgent" = can wait 3 days = "imminent loss of life, imminent loss of limb, or condition will worsen"

3 days if you might not be alive soon?! 3 days if you might lose an arm?! 3 fucking days! AND that's if the doctor marks it as urgent and they may still need to call Aetna and talk with someone to actually get it taken seriously.

I hate Aetna.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.

[bibookmerm]

content notes: long post, personal life, strained family relationships, bad choices?? (neglecting self care, seeing people that are bad for me), thanksgiving, but positive stuff at the end.

Life update!

I've been ill all month, still not recovered because I am working despite my illness. (first of the "bad choices"). So, that's fun. I tried to chill and drink tea today. I've had a week off because my workplaces are closed on thanksgiving day, I get 1 designated weekend off which was last weekend, second job slashed hours, and it just lined up that way. At least for this little break, I've done pretty good with the house cleaning goals I set, but not overdoing it. That's something!

THE HEAVY STUFF:

I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for thanksgiving day. Going to visit the extended family. Every time I see my family, I feel stressed, sad, and hurt. I'm really on edge the whole time, then I come home exhausted and I fall apart. Or go numb. So seeing them is the second of the "bad choices." But this year, my wife and I are driving ourselves, so we can leave when we want to. Yay agency!

I'd really like to find a way forward navigating family pressures and obligations and all of my feelings on it with a professional. I liked my past therapist a lot, but I thought her advice about family was...incomplete, and didn't quite fit my situation. I'm hoping to feel comfortable plainly saying when I'd like to look at other options or from a new angle, with my next therapist. But for now, I am going to "celebrate" the holiday I loathe with the people who do not understand me, again. I'm going to try to be kind to myself throughout the day and afterward, even though going at all is not very kind to myself. My friend said his house is open for people to hang out on thursday, so I think going there instead of straight home will cheer me up.

Idk, I posted about my cousin's wedding back in July, and being the only queer there without my wife and no one to even acknowledge how hard it was on me, how disconnected I felt, was part of what made it suck so bad. I am going to reach out to folks this time instead of keeping it in.

So yeah, this time of year is rough. I generally feel I have to trudge through a bunch of stuff I hate when all I want to do is curl up and hibernate until February. I am at least Making Good Choices in small ways. Hydrating, eating, folding the laundry, going for walks, reaching out to friends. Listening to sad music but not ONLY listening to sad music and shutting the world out. It's a process! I think I am staying more, um, recovery minded than backsliding? Overall. Mental health wise. I'm really trying!

Also, this is very obvious but when transphobia gets you down, listening to music by trans artists helps 1000%. It's so healing. I'm gonna have my playlist at the ready.

THE BRIGHT SIDE:

I have some creative project ideas cooking. Still working on that one story I mentioned a while back! The multiverse one. I'm learning more about the inciting incident in the story and I like how it's developing.

I also made some preliminary sketches tonight for a zine I want to make. Just a cute little fan zine. I have a lot of zine making pals but this will be my first one!

Also! Today I just heard back about the date for session 0 for a TTRPG with cool new friends. I can't wait to try roleplaying again. I'm gonna look into the mechanics of the system before then so I don't feel lost and I can focus on having fun.

Also, after all the thanksgiving day nonsense...on Saturday, I get to see my amazing friend who is visiting from the other side of the country. They're having a party which I'm sure will be amazing. And next tuesday my friends and I are going to the movies. So. thursday is one crummy day, I will survive it, and there is the warmth of friendship on the other side. I got this. Have a great evening, y'all.

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of august

sorry for the long wait, I actually left my job, moved hours away from the capital, moved in with my bf, started working at a new place and it was a lot. so sorry for that. because all of this going on, I didn't really have time to listen to music as much as I did before, so I'll present to you the list of my current favs - not based on the stats. we're going with our hearts today. thanks.

1. Paralellák by Plazúr, Nagy Viktor

this song is by far the first for august & spetember as well. we were so stressed while planning the move and looking for jobs, that I came up with minigames we would play during the more stressful days. one of those were "collect all the Viktors". so we looked through spotify, youtube, the whole internet to gather all the songs Viktor Nagy has collaborated on and we both instantly fell in love with this one. such a great vibe, special, unique song. I said goodbye to my colleagues with the lines "ha görbült a tér, a végtelenben találkozunk" in my head.

2. Sánta Egyensúly by PETOFI

this song. this is a masterpiece. I'm not taking any arguments, this would've been the first if I didn't count in the fact that my bf and I bonded so hard because of that song. this means so much to me. I can't even speak about how close to my heart this song sits. "háromlábú széken sánta az egyensúly. mikor dőlök már el? mikor jön az az egy, aki belém rúg?"

3. Pirkadat by Téveszme

this song actually tells a tiny story from my life, that changed every single thing in my life. there was a friend of mine, who I loved so much, that it was the most toxic thing to ever exist. me (and my issues) made it a hundred times harder to get out of that relationship but I made it out, I'm back to my old self and I'm better than ever. this makes me proud & warms my heart - while making me angry just enough to feel some things and calm down by the end of the song. "érzem nem volt hiába, bármennyire is fáj"

4. Süket füledre talál a vallomásom by PETOFI

this is the biggest masterpiece ever made in history. it's only this low on the list because I've been listening to it for more than 3 years now and I'm still obsessed. experiencing this one live was the most ecstatic feeling in the whole wide world. I screamed every word and somehow still felt like it wasn't loud enough. the singer actually looked right into my eyes and I believe saw all the pain of the world right in there because we shared a few moments together (& that's why I love smaller bands so much, they really love to see the impact they make and connect with people). he actually gave me his just opened beer he took only a few sips out of and I'm still obsessing about it.

5. Pusztulás I by PETOFI, Nagy Viktor

this song... I've said to my bf that I just hate it and cannot find a meaning behind the words on a random tuesday. by the next weekend, this was the only song I've been listening to and I somehow understood it perfectly. every single line has it's own charm & meaning and I'm loving it. (this is also one of the Viktor's that started the whole game)

6. Én már soha többet semmiért nem fogok bocsánatot kérni by Nemecsek

I love this band and don't speak enough about them. I have some other favs but this was the first Nemecsek I've ever listened to. I love how fast this song is, the beats are hyping you up so much while the lyrics are pulling you down to the bottom of a deep dark ocean... yeah, that's hungarian music for you.

7. Harag by Anchorless Bodies

oh, this one. the title means "anger" and as we all know by now, I'm the queen of anger issues. I've stopped seeing my therapist because of the move and I'm curious if any of the methods she showed me will be useful in the future for me. at least I have these songs to get me into a better mindset.

8. Bányák by PETOFI, Kovács Gábor

"lelkem bányájában te vagy a sötétség"

I love how this band mixes poetry with songwriting. this somehow lights my heart on fire. I can't seem to be able to find where exactly, but I'm headed somewhere the exact moment I hear these songs. it's almost like the words give me purpose and motivation, I just need to find where those feelings are leading me.

9. Keserédes by Téveszme

an all time fav! sad, slow, super emotional. I have an unhealthy attachment to this song and I'm always coming back to it whenever I'm in the mood for these songs. actually it's kindof comforting for me, even though it's on the sadder side.

10. Akasszátok fel a királyokat by Counter Clockwise

I don't like it that much anymore but listened to it a whole lot with my bf. it's sadly still real meaningful in our country... I don't wanna get into politics, this page is not for that but some days I'm super scared of what's about to come.

[perfectionscreamslackofadventure]

"Are you excited to move?"

I probably said yes, as that's the simple answer. Which is also the answer everyone wants to hear. But the truth is, I don't really know.

There are parts of me, that have ached to be back in Maine, every time I've left. In the most dramatic explanation: I feel as though the New England ocean is in my blood, and I am constantly feeling the distance between the ocean in me, and the ocean it came from. My first love was the rocky coast line and I'm always wondering how she is.

At the same time, I grew up begging to get out. The best decision of my life was moving 9 hours away, clawing my way out of my homelife. I ran away. And I've been figuring myself out ever since. I learned to softly care for the pain I grew up taking on and pushing down. I never imagined I'd go back. I had done too much work on myself, for it to be worth coming home.

Until, they all moved. States and states away. And like a slow whisper, I asked the question I never would before. It took a while before I said it out loud. And even then, I didn't know how to make it real. Until my therapist said "I think, you just tell people you're moving. And then, you'll be moving." And that's exactly what I did.

Am I excited to move back home? I'm nervous. I'm afraid if I allow myself to be too excited, I'll build it up beyond itself. I'll place too much expectation on a small coastal town. But I also wonder, will holding myself back from being excited, keep me from being open? If I'm holding back expectations, will I be actively creating my reality to be lesser?

This is something I find myself doing with a lot of things. I hold myself back to suspend hurt. And in the end, I feel like my life and experiences lack excitement and color.

How do I find the balance there? I don't want to expect moving to Maine to change my life in "wild and precious ways", and then be disappointed when a Tuesday is still a Tuesday. And I'm still bad at doing my laundry, or getting to work on time. But I don't want to tell myself to expect 50% and only open the door to 50%. Only see grey, because it's all I'm willing to let myself see.

I'm hoping to figure that out in the next 4.5 months. Maybe I don't need to find the balance. Maybe this is a chapter of my life where I need to open up to...imbalance. Excitement. What does it feel like to expect it all? To go looking for it all? To leave the door wide open? To turn all the lights on? To be unabashed?

Almost a year ago, I did 100 sun salutations to ring in the new year and the word that kept coming to my mind, was hungry. I later told my therapist, that I was hungry, for being hungry.

I know it will take practice. But I want this year's mantra to be hungry and open. I want to not only ask for more, but I want to repeatedly let more in.

How do I do that? Do I just start telling people I am?

"I'm so excited move, I can't wait."