#can't sleep bc i've slept so much lately

[nonborderlinary]

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[heybaetae]

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[sexcaliburs]

I think I had an attack of sorts last night. lol. lmao even

[tremendous-entropy]

Hello all! Ok, so I've never written fics before, let alone smut, but this thought has been driving me crazy for a while and I can't find what I'm looking for so I decided to give it a go myself. Premise being that in the nightbringer time-line all the brothers are 100% virgins. So I'd like to explore that, lol. Taking place after you wake up from your coma and on from there. First being mammon that night (ignoring the bit where they're all asleep outside your door at the end of that lesson) and then next being lucifer after he learns they all want to stay in the devildom with Satan, when the two of you are in his office bc it just sets it up so perfectly. From there idk what order or after what happening I want the rest of them to happen. So I'm looking for suggestions, and also just really want to know if this is something y'all would be interested in reading? Bc it's gonna be super long. And it may take a while, I have Adhd and my shit is all over the place. I'm going to use my MC, Zaeda, she/her, bi, poly. I can already tell you mammon will probably be the most in depth, lol, I just love him so much, I'm sorry 😂 but I do love them all and I will do my best to give each of them the time they deserve 😉So here's a little long af teaser and probably not gonna be super wonderfully edited so ignore any current typos, give me some feedback please!

NSFW but barely

________________________________________

You lie in bed wide awake thinking back on the last few days of your little coma situation. You recall everything you heard the boys say while you were under, every word, every kiss. You're practically brimming with love. Sleep eludes you. It's intensely quiet. Lucifer threatened the brother's lives if they so much as stepped out of their rooms tonight to ensure you got proper rest.(No he's not worried about you.) Apparently they all slept outside your door the entire time you were out. They've all been on your mind more constantly lately. In a different way. In your time you're in a happy poly relationship with all of them and you've slept with all of them more times than you can count. In this time.....well...they're all virgins.

You shuffle through each demon in your mind, recalling so many intimate moments, wondering how different this time will be. Did Barbatos explain things to them while they were confined to the castle? Brand new demons. Have they masturbated? Do they watch porn? Have they discovered any of their kinks yet? Should you show them? Or let them figure it out slowly? So many questions. So many possibilities. Where to start? Which lucky demon will be the first to fall...to you. Who will be the second? The third? Fourth? Mmm. Let's get this party started.

*MAMMON*

You already know the answer to who's first. Who better than your first man? So many firsts with that boy. It's only right that he be the first. The first to love you, the first to know you. The rest can wait, the time has to be right for each of them. The fact that you haven't jumped that greedy boys bones already is a testament to your self control. For now, you crawl out of bed, strip to nothing, walk to your dresser and unfold Mammon's white shirt you keep in your drawer. It smells like him. You should probably return this.... You put it on, it comes down just enough to cover your bare ass. Perfect. You grab your ddd and slowly and carefully make your way out into the hall.

"thank fuck I'm a master at sneaking around these halls", you think to yourself, as you quietly walk on the balls of your feet, slowly stepping over every creaky board in your path. It's seems like an eternity has passed by the time you finally make it to the 2nd borns room. You open the door little by little, unsure as to whether or not the demon is sleeping, it's still early for you and he's usually just as nocturnal as you are, even with the neverending darkness of the devildom. You spot the white haired demon as you walk in, sitting on his couch, some long forgotten movie playing on the TV, scrolling intently on his ddd, completely unaware of you walking up behind him, or what's about to come next...

"Hey, pretty boy." you coo at him walking up behind the couch. "AHHH! FUCK! ZAEDA WHAT THE FUCK?! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!" He holds his right hand to his chest dramatically as he catches his breath, "I coulda hurt ya, dummy!" he pouts. "Aw, sweet boy, I'm sorry I scared you." you smile as you bend down crossing your arms and resting them on the back of the couch as you lean in closely. If only he could see the view from the back. "Ya didn't scare me! Nothin scares the Great Mammon! Ya just caught me off guard is all! Shit, what are ya even doin up, aren't ya s'posed to be restin?" You smile sweetly at the frazzled demon and look into those gorgeous blue eyes of his, "should I go back to bed?" "NOOO! No! ... I- I mean.. it's not like I care..." he trails off. You tilt your head to the side and eye him suspiciously, "hmm". His tsundere tendencies don't faze you anymore. You know he's loved you since before he knew what love really was. You know he thinks the sun shines out your perfect ass. You wait patiently as his thoughts catch up to him. He's looking anywhere but you

"I- I mean...sorry I... I don't want you to go...I-" You smile as you reach out and gently lift his chin up to meet your gaze. Uncertainty swirls in those beautiful eyes shinning up at you and such a pretty little blush across his perfect face. You slide your hand to his cheek and slowly pull him in and plant a gentle kiss on his waiting lips. " I'm not going anywhere, puppy." Barely a whisper into his sweet lips. He melts into your touch as you you rub your thumb over his cheekbone. His blush probably reaches his knees by now. You remove your hand from his face after running it once through his soft hair. His ddd still in his left hand, catches your attention. You lean over slightly for a better look. While you're distracted, mammon takes the time to really soak you in. He looks at your beautiful face, your pretty pink hair, falling waves over your shoulders, those lips that haunt him all hours of the night. His eyes rake down your body, what he can see of it right now, he finally notices the shirt. "Zaeda, is tha-", "Watcha lookin at mams?".... He freezes as he remembers what he was doing before you were standing in front of him. He scrambles as you snatch his ddd from his hand and run behind the pool table. On the screen is a photo album. Full of pictures of you. You and him, but mostly you. You quickly scroll through the seemingly endless pictures (how does he even have so many?). "HEY! NO! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY!" He jumps off the couch and runs to you and desperately tries to grab the device as you dodge him over and over, laughing. "Puppyyyy! It's cute! Look at all these! I'm flattered." You hold the ddd up over your head. "It's not what you think! I- was doin somethin- I was just-"

He stops dead in his tracks. Jaw agape.

"Y- you...you're...are you...um...you're not w-wearing anything under that shirt..." You notice a little too late that with your arm above your head like that you can juuust see the bare curve of your ass peeking out from the bottom of his shirt that hangs on your body so perfectly goddamn his heart is gonna bust out of his chest fuck he can see your nipple rings through the thin white fabric fuck why is his dick throbbing

"Fuck...." You turn his ddd off and lay it on the pool table and slowly make your way toward him, holding his gaze. "That part was supposed to be a surprise."

That's all so far! Lemme know what y'all think!

[arvadthecursed]

life update/vent thing

this last 6 day break from work has been. rough.

as y'all know, since late October, I've been trying to find a new home for Stella. and nothing has worked out. All foster agencies/shelters are full, except one I called -- but none of their fosters were willing to take Stella and her behavior/bathroom problems.

my room is still a disaster. my parents have basically told me I just need to accept that I'll probably need to move into my sister's room, except when she's here, and then sleep on the couch. so... that's that, I guess.

I admit, I got really bitter and resentful toward my family and Stella. Which, about Stella, I felt awful. My dad was like "well I made a commitment to her when we took her in and I love her" but refused/refuses to help me in any way. me and my mom cleaned up some on my room, mostly getting as much of the BM out of my carpet as possible, and he refused to help at all. which. I shouldn't have been surprised. But it's still immensely frustrating

and of course I was very very bitter over my room being ruined. I'm going to have to chuck everything. when me and my mom cleaned, I threw away a lot that's now unsalvageable. stuff she made me, clothes I had bought. I wanted to run away but I couldn't.

my dad told me I needed to get over myself and forgive Stella and love her. I couldn't even argue with him bc I knew he'd shut me down and tell me I was the human and I needed to be the bigger person here.

today I'm taking Stella to the vet to see about getting her anti anxiety meds. she's licked a patch on herself furless. me and my mom bathed her last night and I held Stella in a towel afterwards to dry her off.

and I just got overwhelmed with guilt. she was purring and headbutting me and all I could do was cry bc I was completely, totally overwhelmed by the knowledge that I was failing her. For about a month and a half now I could hardly look at her bc I was so angry and miserable. I fed her, gave her water, but looking at her was too much, especially with the state of my room and her continual refusal to use the litter box.

I cried. A lot. I've gotta get over myself. I feel so guilty and I feel like it's all my fault.

My dad actually did accept some responsibility, considering it was his idea to put Stella in the crate in the first place which led to her refusing to use the litter box.

But still. I wanna cry. I have completely and totally failed her. I need to do better bc I'm not gonna be able to rehome her.

Idk. It feels so stressful and sad and I feel very alone with it. My parents aren't helpful. I can't tell my sister. So I just needed to yell into the void.

Sorry. I know this isn't a happy post and I seem really pathetic and ugly right now. That's probably true. I've slept most of these 6 days off bc being awake is hard to handle.

So I guess that's it. Right back where I started.

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[wwooyology]

TW: ed, depression, anxiety, health issues, overall mental illness (sorry in advance for the rant as I know I don't normally post private stuff, but I need to get this off of my chest.)

as many of you have probably noticed, I haven't been active all that much here lately aside from posting my angstober fics. this is a result of multiple things, but you guys deserve to know a little bit about what's going on.

these past few months haven't exactly been easy for me and I feel as if my health is just slowly going down the drain. I have an multiple anxiety attacks within the span of a day, my heart problems that I thought had subsided decided to show back up causing me quite a bit of discomfort and pain, not to mention how bad my depression has been getting. I have been stuck in I like to call a brain fog for a while. I don't get the proper amount of sleep or food and it shows, I didn't really notice how bad it was until my grandma pointed out that I had lost quite a bit of weight this past weekend.

I don't think I've had a stretch this bad in a very long time, and to be honest, I have a vague idea as to why this sparked up. when I'm not working my normal job (which is 9pm-7am) I am at home babysitting for my cousin bc the daycares around here suck ass at getting people off of the waitlist. I have been watching this kid since she was about three months old, and she is now well over a year old. when I first started watching her, it wasn't an issue bc she slept most of the time, so that meant that I got a good amount of sleep, however, as many who have kids or babysit know that, as they get older, the less they sleep and will continuously get into things they aren't supposed to. so this also means that the amount of sleep I get in a day dwindles immensely (normally about 3 hrs if I'm lucky). now, I'm sure some of you are probably like...

"kayla why don't you just tell her you don't want to watch her anymore?"

trust me, I wish it were that easy, but I am a people pleaser at heart, especially with family. I can't tell her no and leave her with no one to watch her kid, which means she can't work. she has her family to take care of, so I just endure it. however, what really sucks is that no one really knows what it's like because they aren't me. they do try to help and watch her when they can, but seeing as I am the only one who works the night shift, it makes it difficult to find anyone else.

now, on to another FUN part of my life. my dietary habits. I have, for as long as I can remember, always eaten one meal a day, maybe two if it was close to my period. this has always been a thing, but when I moved in with my aunt, it changed because she always made sure that I would eat at least something. here, as of late, tho, it has gotten worse. I can barely take a bite of anything without the immediate need to go and throw it all back up, then I'm left feeling shaky and nauseous for hours after. I'm not sure what brought this along, but it's only gotten worse as my anxiety has picked up.

I don't want to get too far deep into things and babble about useless things, so I'll just leave this here. thank you to those who have read this far <3

[heartfucksmouth]

so I'm alive. they took biopsies of my esophagus and my stomach for histology, esp bc my stomach had erythematous mucosa and they sent me home with an explanation of gastritis but they saw nothing indicating the reason why I've been choking.

recovering from anesthesia sucked, I slept for like 3 or 4 hours and then got such an awful migraine I had to lay back down completely still with my eyes covered by my arm or I thought I would puke. and then Aidan wokeup three times during the night.

today is better, we went for a short walk, but Aidan barely napped so I'm hoping he sleeps ok. he seems restless in my arms and idk why really. he must be exhausted.

I have PT in the morning and need to call the neuro in Boston I'm trying to see (autonomic dept) and/or get a cardiologist to see me and sign off on my hip surgery bc of the whole anesthesia/pots/my stupid body thing.

I'm... feeling sad and stuck like I usually do at night now. the state of the world is truly overwhelming and its fucking SIX dollars for a gallon of milk let alone a weeks worth of groceries and I'm just like . how are we ever going to get out of here. it all feels like such a pressure cooker and I get discouraged. it's hard to write about bc my mind webs out and I'm thinking of so many things but my words can't keep up - esp typing one hand only using my thumb.

I just wanna make people happy and I wanna feel safe and loved and not like time is always running out and there's never enough of anything (I have less than 200 bucks to stretch until next month) like I miss feeling abundance simply bc I had my garden and so much of real wild nature around me, not some suburban yard covered in 10 years of dog feces and a house full of hoarded items that are not even mine but God forbid my kids toys take up too much space in the living room bc his room is the size of a walk in closet and I, once again, feel so ambitious mentally but I physically and time-wise cannot accomplish fucking anything lately.

idek that's probably one run on sentence and I can't be bothered. remember when I used to write really well and have poignant things to say and even wrote poetry? my brain feels constantly fried now and I can barely socialize without needing a nap after. it's all just kinda making me sad and frustrated :)

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

I have been gone forever.... It's time I stop lurking....... Okay but fr I really have not been in your asks forever 😭 I have been keeping up with things though 🗣️💯🔥 bro I can't cause I have been so sentimental and emotional lately!!! What is wrong with me!!! I just cried over how my brother used to look up to me and now he like hates my guts 😞💔 everyone around has felt my sappy, cheesy wrath too.... I think I'm making the loml borderline uncomfortable with how lovey dovey I've been! I mean not really uncomfy LMAO, but like it's very unusual for me. He and I got into an argument the other day and I couldn't stop saying my feelings without saying it in such a harsh manner, which is like not me?!?? I mean I nag him with problems all the time but I usually try to be gentle about it, I got so emotional and angry that I wouldn't be gentle bro!!! I wasn't like intentionally trying to make him feel like nothing, it was more of me being less understanding. The calm soft words id say were sharp and harsh, like everything I was saying had a harsh manner 😭💔 i felt so bad, I seriously did. I was tempted to give him this super long apology but I know he hates super long apologies so i held back on it, but I think I've been super emotional and stuff beCAUSE of that and now I can't stop saying how much I love him yadda yadda. I'm so lovesick for him 💔 but now I'm trying to stop nagging him and be yk ME again!! I've been so off 😡 can you tell loneliness has caught up to me...... I fear I'm losing my aura in this ask but oh well!! It's anonymous not like you know who I am 🗣️🔥🔥

Basically tho, this current writing you're doing is actually so well written!!!? I mean your stories and whatnot are always extremely good, but the complexity of gojos character right now?? LET ME DIVE IN!!! What happened???! Maybe you've explained it somewhere and I don't remember, but why is lil bro pursuing hookups for comfort!! Why does he avoid any sort of feelings!! Gojo LOCK IN!!! WE ALL JUST HAVE TO LOCK IN!!!!!!! Anyways, hope you didn't miss my long asks too much 🤞 perhaps... I'll be around more often..... (Oh bruh my sleep schedule is so cooked!! I finally laid down to sleep at like 5 pm, I slept for like 4 hours and ik it's gonna be a repeat of staying up all night and then falling asleep at 5 pm and waking up 4 hours later 😭😭💔)((it's caused me to miss my sweetie pies message today!!!! I have got to wake up 😡😡))

Your beautiful amazing talented fan,

-👽 anon (gosh yes praise my return!!!) ((you prob forgot anyway LMAO IM JUST EMBARRASSING MYSELF ATP 😭))

OMG 👽 ANON HELLO!!!! it really has felt like forever….! glad to see u back!!

i think something is going on in the universe bc i’ve also been emotional and sentimental especially with my lover… could potentially just be my meds tho but ill blame it on the stars ! i hope u get back to normal soon ❤️

THANK U SM THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME CONSIDERING I FELT LIKE YHIS SMAU HAS BEEN A FLOP…. and he briefly mentioned it in his little monologue during the party at choso’s house

rip ur sleep schedule… and yes plz come around more often again!!!!

[gl00mxstar]

I think I'm getting better now

I don't feel like shit this much right after waking up and when I do sometimes it goes away on it's own a bit quicker

my 'seemingly out of nowhere or from stress and physical activity pains' are less painful that what they used to be in the past few years and even tho I still can't do that much it's way better than I thought I could get

since I both dropped out of high school (and apprenticeship too) and it was literally too late to do anything bc it was almost end of school year I'm not 'obliged' to see people or go to place where stress anxiety and fatigue eat me alive

with 3 above comes better sleep too I can go to sleep and wake up whenever I want without a worry so it helped a lot too I also can sleep less and feel better (I realize how ridicilous it sounds but I always felt like shit when sleeping '8h like a normal person' but when I slept for only few hours I felt really good energetic and refreshed)

I'm more energetic and feel actual motivation to do stuff get better and rather than 'I wanna have bare minimum of living conditions to survive and not go insane' it's 'I wanna make my life better to actually live and enjoy it'

I've managed to take better care of my emotions and even open up more to 'right people' and not bottle them up or turn them into just self depricating jokes like I always did I even vented 2 times (first time 5h and second around 3/3,5h I swear I would have never thought I'll ever do it and for such a long time too I know I def wouldn't manage to when I was younger) also treating tumblr as my personal diary and venting helped too I don't really care if haters or someone I know irl sees my posts if they see this and are gonna have a problem with that it means we just never meant to be friends honestly it's better this way since from that I'm gonna have an easy way of getting to know this

for the one above thank you friends I've made in the past few years also to dca fandom and furry community ya'll have one of the most welcoming people there it's hard to feel uncomfortable and bottle up the emotions around you don't change ever 🫶 (ig it's easy to see someone's struggling when you have first hand experience sobs /hj)

after years of struggling to understand 'what is wrong with me' in everyday life and school I realized I have autism and adhd (thank you reddit tons of articles online and friends with autism 🤝) unfortunately the healthcare sucks where I live especially the mental so I can get a proper diagnosis but I'm 100% sure it's that and knowing what is 'wrong' with me takes away a lot of weight off my shoulders and I finally don't feel bad abt having stuff like sensory issues and problems with understanding certain social norms etc

I learned to go out to buy groceries without being on the brink of a panic attack again so now it's the same as it was when I was younger while I don't like doing it at least I can actually go and buy something

I can now bake again without being reminded of the time I was stuck as an apprentice in horrible work environment were even faint smell of dough or vanilla sugar outside of the workplace were enough to be triggering

I'm finally getting back my 'bad mouth and attitude' as others liked to say when I disagreed with something when they thought they were the smartest person in the room while being wrong so I can now say what I really think and not cry while literally just defending myself and my personal opinions so again going back to how I was when I was younger

I'm a bit less worried abt my cats since the vet clinic was opened in my village (the one where there are actual ppl working here and not just pretending I still don't get it how they were making any money since they weren't open most of the time) and even though I still don't have money for the vet at the very least once I get enough I'll have it close to get them to one

I have way less suicidal thoughts now I hope one day I can get it to 0 or at the very least to 'random thought of remembering the bad past'

I'm trying to speak english outloud to try and learn the right pronunciation (I know what the word is supposed to sound like but I have problems with speaking even in my native language) also I'll try to make phone calls and leave voice messages once I feel more brave to do so I also have in plans trying to read some fics or books to get both my spoken english and reading skills better at the same time since I'm terrible at reading outloud too

I managed to switch from traditional art to digital decently quickly imo and now that I even draw a lot faster than I used to the thought of actually making a living from art seems way less insane now

I've made few good friends both irl and online that I have common interests with and that I'm vibing with hopefully once the weather gets less intense and my health get better and I'll have some money to go out we'll meet

I have one of them keep asking me to go out she's so sweet 😭💕

[nathank77]

7/10/24

2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.

This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.

The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.

I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.

I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.

I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.

My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...

I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.

Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.

I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.

If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.

It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....

I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.

Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...

So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.

I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.

I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.

It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.

99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.

What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.

[shirogane-oushirou]

😘💕🎵 for regular!ren aaaand 💤💞☕️ for oushirou?? ^^/

WAUGH THANK YOU HAHNNNNN!!! 🥺 i'm so sorry this took so long... Things keep Happening KJNSDKJFN so i've been plugging at it here and there ksjnfdkj. ;;;;;;

for r!ren:

😘: What’s your f/o’s favorite thing about YOU?

first impression, it's my passion! we bond over a mutual interest in niche VNs and he respects how much of my brain is taken up by that shit.... but as we get to know each other i think he starts to appreciate my perseverance just as much. he's also had to persevere through rough situations, so he knows what it means (not to get too under/tale on this lmao) to push through NOT with active determination but as a matter of "the only choices are to stagnate or move forward, and so i choose to move forward."

💕: Who’s the clingier one in the relationship?

reeeeen :3 i'm the "i love when you ARE around, but i understand that you can't be around with me 24/7 just bc of my conditions, you have other things to do" type.... plus i have a low social battery KHJBJDHB. meanwhile, ren's like "heyyyy are u in bed today? when i get off work, can i be too? ^_^" and brings over food and snuggles in while asking if it's okay for him to stay the night bc he doesn't want to let go of me.

it's not like he's jealous or doesn't take no for an answer or anything, but if he's given the okay to just spend all day with me in bed (or watch the house if my family's out of town), he absolutely will.

🎵: What are some song lyrics that make you think of your f/o/your relationship with your f/o?

"Baby, you have changed me I can't escape it Drives me crazy Everything is easy Nothing matters You've got me bending Over backwards" -- "Back & Forth" by CRX (cw flashing video)

"Ooh, Jason, tell me what you're chasin' Because the night will never give you what you want Ooh, Jason, and if you can't escape it I hope you find whatever you've been looking for" -- "Jason" by The Midnight ft. Nikki Flores

for oushirou:

💤: Do you sleep together? If so, describe your sleeping positions and patterns (E.g. who steals the blankets, are either of you insomniacs, etc.)

OUGHHH we're both blanket hogs. FIGHT!!!!! i assume we'd have separate blankets tbh or else if/when we roll apart from each other we'll start fighting in our sleep skdjn. i'm an insomniac, but once i get to sleep, like... i've slept through the windows right next to my head getting powerwashed. NOTHING is waking my ass up. he's a workaholic so if he's working on a big story he might stay up late by choice, but if given the option he has a pretty regular schedule and wakes up easily when his alarm goes off.

he's also the type to leave for work early and slowly sneak out of the bed while un-wrapping himself from around me, get back late, and slowly get in bed and wrap himself back around me hdljfn. he jokes about using me as a dakimakura, which is funny until i remember how much comfort he finds in sleeping with me the few times during the year that he's actually able to, so he's taking as much advantage of it as he can. ;__;

💞: How do you both express affection?

oushirou's big on physical affection -- hand holding, snuggling, the cute "escort arm hold" thing -- but despite how flirty he is (or maybe because of it) he really appreciates more subtle forms of affection. giving someone a pretty rock or leaf... buying them a new coat just in time for winter... cooking food for the people you care about most... things that will stick with him and them when he's off traveling.

i personally appreciate those little things more than physical affection, and i'm very much about doing the same in return. i want to cook for him when i can (or maybe cook something with him), i'd spend time with him out and about, even if it's just window shopping, and i'd have a handmade scarf or sweater ready that he can take with him when he travels. simple things.

☕: How do you comfort each other on a bad day?

we're both the type to get supremely hurt by "this could have just been solved by talking" situations while also having difficulty communicating anything negative kJNADKJN so. that's become a cornerstone for working through things together: making a point of getting EVERYTHING out so we don't end up with misunderstandings.

so if either of us is upset about something, whether in the relationship or just from a Shitty Fucking Day, we'll sit down together to talk things through. working through everything thoroughly generally means when we're done, it's DONE (or we at least have a plan going forward), so we can switch gears to like... making a nice meal together... eating a dessert one of us picked up... cuddling and watching tv or reading... comfy things, all with little or no baggage.

[willowjay07]

How to sleep: 

*not want to sleep* 

How to stay awake: 

*want to sleep*

[camileeon]

Heyy!! CONGRATULATIONS ON 200+ FOLLOWERS BESTIE AAA im so happy for you 💖 To celebrate i’ll participate in ur second event as well ^w^

I read the list of prompts, and i think prompt A-15 “I love you more than I love food. Feel appreciated” would be perfect for Camilo! The short fic could take place in a soft morning after y/n stays at casita overnight with Camilo. Y/n could be trying to start the day but Camilo just doesn’t wanna get up yet. I AM ABSOLUTELY SOFT FOR MORNING CUDDLES AKSKWOSKWODNE *malfunctions*

thank you so much take care 💖

SUNKISSES (D)

🍵- absolutely nothing other than soft fluffy lazy mornings and loads of kisses from the sun himself <3

🦋- GN!Reader x Camilo Madrigal

🍊- enjoyed making this bc of how fluffy it is :(( ever just want fictional characters to be real? yea same 🙁 Thank you so so so much for requesting! @sweettooth-simps I'm very sorry this took awhile, other than that pleas enjoy!! <3- ceres 💗

[•••]

Dawn sunlight drew streaks of yellow on the shapeshifter's curtains as the light wind rustled in, snores and unrecognizable mumbling came either from the couple as they slept soundly in eachother's embrace. Y/n was over at Casita for a sleepover with the madrigal grandchildren, the night before was just to be described as chaos rather than ecstatic. Playing different games, sneaking out to grab midnight snacks in the kitchen while trying to be as silent as possible, and a few of them even getting to draw on Luisa's face due to being the first one who hit the hay early.

“They had each of their frolics as the night went wildly for them, resulting them to stay up late until atleast a slit of the sun peeked from it's sleep after those hours that seemed neverending for all seven of them. All of them went back to their rooms immediately after, feeling all of the energy drain away from their bodies and collapsed into their cushioned mattresses, y/n slept over at camilo's as their limbs entangled eachother through the remaining hours of sleep they've gotten.

Flinching to wake up as soon as their alarm rang, getting out of bed to shut it off to avoid waking up the sleeping chameleon. They groaned quietly before slumping back on top of him, laying their head on his chest as they admired how pretty he was while sleeping, giving him kisses on his lips to try to wake him up as gentle as possible while they kept a closed distance.

“amor.. we gotta get up.. we've slept in.”

They attempted whispering quietly, laying beside him as he snuggled against their embrace. Sending the message of not wanting to get up or "5 minutes more" but continues to sleep in for the next hour, they needed to get up or they'd miss breakfast.

They continued to try various attempts, being gentle with him to avoid having him in a bad mood just because of being woken up. In the end, they sighed exhaustingly as to not even denting him one eye awake.

“Camilo, we need to get uupppppp” they tried to pull him up to stand, hearing him groan as he just clung on to them while being up half awake.

“Nooooo...you've been trying for the past hour, give up..” his morning voice sent shivers down their spine, his breath against their neck. Camilo wrapped his arms securely around their waist as they stayed in a very comfortable silence, swaying them around in a circle continuosly as their eyes lock from time to time.

“Now you're up, can we go down to eat already?”

“You really want to leave now? Can't i just give you kisses and cuddles, to have you the whole day to myself?”

“ you're actually putting me before tia's arepas? That's new.”

“Amor ever since you came into my life, i've loved you more than i love food, feel appreciated. Anyway.. back to business.”

they let out a snort at his response before being lifted back on to the bed and tackled by the boy in yellow “you're all mine, food can wait.” he retorted, the sun giving his moon loads of affection and kisses wherever he could place any as they laid in bed for the rest of the day.

Bonus: Dolores hears what they were up to and saved a plate for the both of them, leaving it on a tray in front of his door. A few hours later, Pepa knocks in and finds an adorable sight of camilo with his arms around them protectively as they waltzed their way to dreamland once more.

TAGLIST:

@destinydrawssometimes

@camilolovesroxiie

@i-more-need-books

@aphrodicts-imagination

@s1mpystuff

@dai-tsukki-desu

@pepasfavorite

(a/n) Join our discord server!!/pos 💗💗

[s4kasaki]

hello! 👉👈 may i ask for ritsu and mao w/ a rlly affectionate s/o hcs? thank you ♡

Another insanely cute request, omgawd. nays serving~☆ I'm so late on posting so I'm working on all my request tonight and tmr!

♡︎ — mao and ritsu with an affectionate s/o!

‣ tws / cws: none !

‣ reader: gender-neutral - they/them.

‣ author's note: it's kinda funny, bc Mao.. and Ritsu .. yk?.. not funny? oka... (╥﹏╥)

☆ — RITSU.

Usually, he’s the over-affectionate one. He doesn't know what it feels like to be doted on since he's always been the one doing the doting and half the time it's unintentional. ( unless you count mao's constant attention to him bc he randomly slept EVERYWHERE back then. )

He was technically like an oversized cat, giving you unwanted affection & attention whenever he felt like it. Or whenever he wasn't sleeping on you. And In health-wise, probably a koala with how much he sleeps. His way of affection was sleeping with you.

At first, he was... Neutral— not suspicious, not shocked of anything. But he did make some remark about how you’re acting as if you're that silly old man he calls his brother again.

“Hmm. Why are you acting like that older brother of mines all of a sudden?”

He does accept your love and never-ending tenderness like no other, he seeks it sometimes really.. especially when he's feeling a bit needier than ordinary. So please do give him kisses on the cheek while he snoozes! \(^ヮ^)/ he definitely can feel them, he can sense when you're hovering over him sometimes, it takes a lot of willpower for him not to pull a soft smile in his "sleep". But he smiles anyway, he's been that way before you two even got together, how could he not though? You love him so much he feels confounded!

May it be a sight for sore eyes, nonetheless, you often have a very annoyed Izuhog telling you two to get a room. And you can't blame him, neither can Tsukasa, Arashi or... Leo. You're too sweet.. even for them! While Izumi may not admit that.

oh, he does enjoy napping with you, it's kinda funny because you as well began to use napping together as a way of affection to fit in his persona, and he couldn't be any more happier.

Yawn. “Ritsu. Let's take a comfy nap together! You'd like that, right? alright! I've gotten pretty overworked from all the work I've been finishing for weeks... so it would be nice to rest with my sleepy-head of a soulmate...♥︎”

it was all a bunch of teases to spit whenever affection was thrown. napping with you, what better way to fall asleep than with you, his beloved: by his side? nuzzled up against his body placing many kisses on his cheek as you two sleep soundly? he thinks you’re beautiful even as you sleep— you aren't ashamed to admit that you do enjoy watching him sleep for a bit before you drift off yourself.

He might even wake up a little bit after you drift to sleep, which is to say he wasn't entirely sleeping and might've felt you staring at him while he begins to rest.

“Keep this between the two of us, okay?...”

as he approaches down onto you and leaves an Everlasting kiss on your plum, sleeping lips that he'd hope to hear the same amount of love, care, and doting from, as he does every day. Before drifting to sleep in your sweet embrace.

☆ — MAO.

TO BE HONEST, he's just as affectionate as you are. He loves spending time with you as much as he can. If he had a love language, it would be showering you affectionately as much as he can but in a cool-ish boyfriend way, because he has a tight schedule full of talk shows.

But when he's free, or when he skips his job to be with you finally... Love is all that flows in the house.

Giving him an overwhelming amount of love is like giving a dog... AN OVERFILLED BOWL OF DOG FOOD. He’s overexcited like he's high on sugar and sugar alone.

“Ah! What's the occasion!? ^O^”

“Oh, shush!”

He loves how your affection matches up with each other! You two share the same amount of love for one another as if you two are going on at it like a war of who's the most affectionate in the relationship, speaking of which? It sort of is a war. You two go on and on complementing each other, giving each other gifts, kisses, and hugs. Everything! He's fond of having a little playful competitiveness in a relationship.

Unlike Ritsu, he seeks it but he doesn't do it by going up to you and mopping like a cat. It's more like this because he tries to be insanely slick with it and fails half the time:

“Say, you know you said you were gonna drive to the shopping mall today?” reminding you of your forgotten about duties of the day, you can’t forget something so important to yourself. You wished to go yesterday, but the weather was a disastrous mess and locked you inside, there was so way in "hades" you were going out there. That is what Mao said in his head when he blocked the door with a pouty face of disapproval yesterday morning, and it was quite obvious.“Oh? Right! Such a dependable boyfriend you are... Thank you~☆” mwah.

That's his way of seeking your affection, not straightforward, or not even unintentionally. He has a whole plan set for it before he even seeks for it, thinking of what to say to get the right response. Once he gets his compliment/kiss, he's like a new man. It gives him the boost he needs to carry on doing anything! He's smiling way more than he was before, maybe even giving a mischievous smirk

But there are times where he seeks it straightforwardly! When he feels needier and more desperate for it, remember it's what gives him the biggest ego boost of the day. Give him affection at night time and oh God— you have a bundle of sunshine and rainbows, expect to be up late than expected with a bundle of movies playing

It's nearly impossible for him to maintain himself sometimes, but he always returns the affection. This war of devotion will last forever if it's the last thing Mao does!

An everlasting war of loyalty, tenderness, and love declarations. That goes on for days, months, even years. Maybe it'll be forever until you're both married... Who knows? It's all up to you two to decide.

[t0shii]

% comforting them when they're upset

.! oikawa, tsukishima, matsukawa (sep) x gn!r

.! angst + fluff/ breakdowns, crying, etc. lightly proofread bc im lazy so sorry for any mistakes.

.! im so sorry if this is absolute word vomit or horse shit 😭 i tried my best though 😌 uhhh sorry for not posting yesterday i got my daith pierced and i was in a lot of pain after that so i didnt feel like writing anywho enjoy this 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 p.s. i was originally gonna write for mad dog but i was struggling so i went with mattsun instead sorry. also idk why matsuns ended up being so short i didnt do him justice i apologize 😩

oikawa

— always gets discouraged when his knee bothers him. today was one of those days. his coach had made him sit out of practice because he had been limping a bit. he came home distraught and you noticed right away.

"what's the matter toru?" you asked opening your arms for a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his arms around your middle quite tightly. "my knee is bothering me again 'n coach made me sit out. it's just not fair." he mumbled into your shoulder. you could feel his tears soak through your shirt. you nodded and responded, "baby, he just doesn't want you to hurt yourself. i know it's not fair but-", "but i wanna play volleyball, i wanna get better and practice." he said, aggravated that you weren't exactly on his side, still he held you tighter.

"toru, baby, look at me." he does as told, and you bring your hands up to wipe his tear stained cheeks,"toru, you can't strain your knee anymore than you already do, you know this. i know you only want to play volleyball, baby i know, but you have to be patient." he nods in agreement and you do the same, then guiding his head back to your shoulder, "i know it's frustrating toru, but you can't force it, y'know? he wouldn't make you sit out if it wasn't for your best interest. you know that, deep down."

the two of you had been cuddling on the couch, his back against your chest when you heard him sniffling again, "toru, what's wrong?" you ask softly, sitting up slightly. "i'm so useless, my own knee can't even work right. the team deserves someone better and so d-do you" he hiccuped, hiding is face in his hands. you felt guilty for not comforting him more earlier. "toru, that's not true at all." you stated, forcing his hands into yours, "take it back right now." he looked at you confused. "toru oikawa i said take it back right this instant." you said a little sterner than before.

"no." he managed to get out through sobs, and you knew the stern method wasn't going to work this time around. "toru, please. you're not useless at all, not to anyone, not to the team, and especially not to me. you're the best teammate, friend and boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and your knee just needs a break sometimes, you just need a break sometimes and thats okay. needing a break doesn't make you useless or weak, toru." you say softly, guiding him to a sitting position, hugging him closely and tracing small, comforting shapes on his back.

"you're so so strong toru, and you're an amazing person, an amazing boyfriend, you're such an amazing volleyball player and i'm so proud of how far you've come since highschool." you say, kissing the crown of his head. "you mean it?" he asks leaning back to look at you, "i always do, toru. i love you more than anything, and i'm so so fucking proud of you, but you have to know, it's okay to need a break sometimes and it doesn't change who you are as a person and it definitely doesn't make you weak or useless. he nods in response, burrying his head into the crook of your neck. you both stay like that, you whispering words of affirmations, him listening fondly until he feels better a little while later.

tsukishima

— he usually didn't let the stress of professional volleyball get to him like this, but he couldn't help it he would be lying if he said he wasn't overwhelmed, from interviews, to extra practice to prepare for the overseas games he had coming up, he was exhausted, to add onto it all he had been neglecting you and he felt horrible for it.

you knew practice was going to be running late since your boyfriend had told you in advance, so you weren't initially worried as to why kei had been coming home late at night. this night in particular was the fourth night in a row kei been home late and you starting to grow concerned. you hadn't seen him hardly at all that week, which was unusual because he always made time for you no matter what. worried, you decided to stay awake and wait for him to get home.

when the time finally comes, your heart dropped at his appearance, he looked absolutely horrible, as if he hadn't slept right in weeks. "why are you up?" he mumbled, taking his shoes off rather sloppily, uncharacteristic of him. you made your way closer to yoir exhausted boyfriend, "kei, i'm worried about you. i know you don't like me meddling with your career, and please don't misunderstand my concern for that. i'm just worried you aren't getting enough rest and i've barely seen you at all this week." you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

you knew something was wrong when you saw the tear swell in his eyes, but he just stood there awkwardly, you walked closer toward him, "kei, what's wrong?" you ask, extending your arms toward him, which he basically fell into, he started sobbing immediately, shocking you initially. "i'm s-sorry for neglecting you this week, i didn't mean to i-i just-", "kei, i'm not worried about that, i'm worried that you aren't taking care of yourself properly." you mumble, patting his back comfortingly. to which he shakes his head no."work has been too much recently, i can't sleep and i barely have time to even think. its just practice, interviews, practice, interviews i-i can't handle it all anymore, y/n." he sobbed into your shoulder, you were speechless at his vulnerability.

"kei,-", "but i can't stop now because that'll make me a failure and i don't want to let you down and the team too, i just want to make everyone proud but i think i'm falling behind." he cried, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "kei, you could never let me down. actually, i think i've been letting you down recently, i don't tell you this enough but, i'm so so proud of you kei, so proud you don't even understand, i'm sorry for not expressing that enough to you. i understand that you feel as if you're falling behind but overworking and stressing yourself out isn't going to help you improve, kei, and i know you also know that."

"you're working yourself sick, kei and i can't stand here and continue to let that happen so you're taking a day off whether you like it or not. tomorrow will be a me and you day, how does that sound? i'll call your coach in the morning." honestly, you wouldn't have let him say no anyways, and he knew that so he just nodded his head. "look at me kei, you have to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. it's not good to keep things in like this, it's just like you tell me." he nods his head, but avoids eye contact, "and i'm not disappointed or upset at you, you know. but i can't read your mind, so please just tell me when things start to feel like they're crashing down on you 'kay? i'll help you just like you help me." you smile, he looks at you and nods, hugs you closer and whispers an "i love you" into your ear, which you return.

matsuwaka

— you knew his work was stressful and emotionally and mentally exhausting, so there were always worries in the back of your mind that he would become too overwhelmed, well today your worries became reality.

"welcome home issei." you called from the kitchen as your boyfriend walked through the door, though he offered you no response, which made you frown. "issei?-" you gasped when you felt a pair of strong arms sneak their way around your waist, "jesus, issei, you scared me!" you giggle placing your hands atop of his own, but you realized he was not laughing with you. "issei, baby?" concern laced in your tone as you maneuvered your way around to face him, "what's wrong baby?" you ask, taking his face in your hands to wipe at escaping tears.

"work was rough today." was all he said as he melted at the feeling of your thumbs running back and forth on his cheeks. "oh issei, i'm sorry." you mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, "is there anything i can do to help?" he didn't know why but something inside of him snapped when you asked him that, and sobs escaped his lips, he could only hide his face in the space between your neck and shoulder because for some reason he felt... ashamed to be crying in front of you like this. "please just hold me." he cried, so you did just that, shushimg him when his sobs got violent, rubbing your hand up and down his back soothingly.

the both of you stood there for a good 15 minutes before you spoke up after he had calmed down a bit, "is there anything you need to get off your chest? you don't have to tell me now or even at all but i want you to know that whatever is bothering you, you can tell me, anything at all. i know your job is mentally exhausting and honestly i dont even know how you do it but i dont want you thinking you have to carry the burden of it alone, okay? i'm so proud of you, so so so proud of you issei, i just wanted you to know that."

you felt him nod in the crook of your neck, a soft, "thank you." sounding shortly after, "of course." you responded, kissing his shoulder a few time.he wasn't sure when he would feel completely ready to get things off his chest but he felt loved knowing that you would always be there to comfort him, and for that he was forever grateful.