#can't go to bed either bc I'm too stressed about it

[the-bineapple]

I was RIGHT! once I completed the minor but urgent task on my to-do list, the Big Scary One that I have to focus on next started slowly crushing me with stress!!!

[theyluvlyss]

𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐥...

batman's cape (and any of the other batfam member's capes) are heated/can be microwaved :D.

...yeah, probably not the most original thought. surely someone has come up with this before, and hey, maybe it's even canon - but that doesn't really take away any of the ideas I have, so on we go anyways lmao.

I imagine that you, y/n, reader (lol idk-) is often found all wrapped up in bruce's cape (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S FRESH OUT OF THE WASH) and he'll be TEARING the manor apart looking for that shit because why would it be anywhere else except in the bat-cave, in his bat-suit vault, right there clipped onto the specific bat-suit he's choosing to wear for whatever mission he's finna go on, just to eventually find you on a couch somewhere above the bat-cave all rolled up like a worm in it with the glow of your phone emitting from underneath the fabric and your little giggles muffled by it because you're probably laughing at memes or something idk.

bruce is definitely the type to think it's silly and lowkey can't even blame you because it do be cold in the mansion, but he also refuses to drop the "I'm so hardcore and a brute and stone cold" act so he's yanking that shit offa' you and you're just BEWILDERED, suddenly exposed to the light and cold like, "😮⁉️🫨⁉️" and before you can even process wtf happened, bruce is already whisking around the corner, gone and out of sight💀.

dick would also think it's silly, but lowkey actually be annoyed, though, and he'd make that KNOWN. like, sure, he'd initially be VERY stressed when he can't find the cape (even though it's not thay big of a deal but for some reason, he just doesn't feel "complete" without it😭) but then he'd see this huge lump all wrapped up in it on a bed in one of the many rooms or something. at first, he'd think it's one of the handful of pets owned and living in the wayne estate, just to peel back the fabric and see YOU.

"...Hi😃..."

"...🙂Why are- Nevermind. You do know that I need this, right?"

"I mean,,, you don't need it, you just-"

*YANK!!*

"NO, WAIT, IT'S COLD!!"

"THEN GET A BLANKET!!"

I'm sorry, but I feel like dick don't play 'bout his cape, and you're just either gonna have to find different ways to sneak it or just leave it tf alone😭✋🏽. but when it's not currently in dire need by him, he'll happily return it to you and smile when you squeal and wrap yourself back up in and under it while it warms up.

BARBARA GETS IT FR. SHE GETS ✨️🩷YOU🩷✨️. but also, she is attached to it in the way dick is, so don't be surprised if and when she needs it, she's taking it from you with zero mercy and under the excuse of, "I'm on duty tonight, I'm not showing up out of uniform lol." and you're just left there like "☹️...". but outside of those times, the both of you can be found very happily and contently under her cape as you watch horror movies or something and rambling about who knows what, a common interest lol.

and I'm pretty sure in some strains/universes or whatever of dc, she ends up becoming oracle because she's paralyzed or some shit, right?? I could totally be wrong, but if I'm not, I feel like in that case, she just GIVES it to you. she makes it a huge deal, too, she acts like she's passing along the magical ashes of a dead ancestor that grants you infinite knowledge and protection or some shit and has a whole speech prepared, just for her to hand you this neatly folded up cloth and you're just like, "...You're giving me your cape😀??" and she's like, "Ya🙂♡." and you can't even be mad because ...

IT'S A HEATED CAPE like idk what else you could want from her like plz✋🏽.

(*casually skips over Tim bc idk enough about him and if I mischaracterized him I'd have to delete this account and then me off of the face of this earth bc I refuse to be that bitch who doesn't know her shit😃*)

jason will see you with his cape, and whether you're awake or asleep, he'll loom over you menacingly until you sense his presence, and then not even give you the chance to give excuses before he's like, "I'm on watch tonight."

you don't dare protest lmao. and he isn't giving it back to you later on. it's one of those things that if you really want it, you gotta go get it. and then expect you won't have it for very long, so whatever you plan on doing with it, you better make the most of it😭✋🏽. that's literally all I can say for him lmao.

DAMIAN (my fave) (^3^)/. I feel like he'd make it seem like SUCH an inconvenience for himself even though he doesn't actually care about the cape itself and if anything, finds it very sweet and endearing that you literally use it as a blanket because "it gets so warm" and "it smells like you" and "it's here when you're gone and I miss you". but, much like his father, he just HAS to keep up the, "I'm so stone cold and no nonsense and eternally vexed" facade, so if you're awake and you have it, he'll just hold out his hand expectingly and - like jason - you don't dare argue because you're just gonna lose🥲.

but if he finds the cape and you're asleep with/under it, he'll actually let you keep it. like, he'll just leave it and either go about his superhero duties without the cape entirely, or he'll just use another one from a different suit. sure, it might possess different capabilities (no pun intended), or he might feel a little... off... without a cape, but he'd rather that than interrupt your comfortable state.

and you'll be so bent up about it when he returns, and you're like, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE IT😭💔?!" and he's like, "you were obviously very comfortable, I didn't want to disturb you😐..........🫶🏼."

so um.... yeah, I honeslty dk where all of that came from, but do with this info what you will.

byeeee /ᐠ^ω^マ~ !!

[sugar-omi]

Could I please request hc or a drabble about Cove as a new parent with a female MC? Thank you! ❤️

its your lucky day (aka you've asked smth ive been thinking abt for days LOL) bc ive written hc's and drabbles <333 although mostly messy hc's that are in no coherent order also I think I will come back n write more coherent n specific scenarios bc I have sm thoughts on cove through parenthood.... pls tysm for this ask I hope it's satisfactory bc i wrote in order of my thoughts LOL

tags : fluff, AFAB reader, after step 3/wedding dlc, "options" for 1 or 2 babes (if you hc triplets im praying for u🙏), no gender mention of the babe/s, birth surrogacy n adoption are up for imagination but pregnancy/surrogacy is most implied altho i think you could imagine adopting a baby before they're born bc ik some ppl do that

synopsis : how cove acts when you have your first kid & a bit on how he is raising them with you <3

many many candid shots of cove holding the baby

PLEASE tell me someone recorded near the end of the birth/when they brought you the babe

he's crying. no matter what he's crying his fuckin eyes out

if you're giving birth please either have him wait outside n come in to cut the cord at the end bc he might faint

if you do have him in the room he'll be on his best behavior. will try his best not to worry too much bc he knows it could stress you out

(I'm thinking abt this video I saw where the wife said her husband fainted n fell back into this rolly office chair n just rolled to the back of the room into the dark side (it was apparently a long room lollll))

if you're in for a long labor or it's pretty short he's more calm bc either it's over before he can freak out or it's so fuckin long he's over it LOL

he's more of a solid, physical support than anything else because he's not too good with words but also he dosn't want you to feel pressured, annoyed, or smth with constant "you got this!" "its okay!" as you're pushing out a whole human, its not a simple task

[video 1]

COVE: so little... COVE: (looks at his mom/dad) are they supposed to be this small? (watery laugh)

is very scared to hold the babe, he's a big guy, with or without the muscles so he's always gentle with them even once they get bigger

definitely texts his dad during the pregnancy/surrogacy/adoption process "I hope i can be a good dad like you"

cliff getting a text from cove at 3am: "ty for raising me idk how you did it omg"

cliff is crying n flying over there immediately

!!!! if you need someone to help you adjust cliff is on the fuckin way!!! you can't even finish asking bc he's alrdy here, whatever you need guys!!!!

but if you want to be alone to bond w the babe or you hire a professional to help with the transition then he or your moms will come over and clean up, prepare food, and allows you to come home and not worry about getting things done.

dies if the kid has his hair color or eyes, like at first he just finds it crazy that he's a dad n that he has a lil spawn of his own

also lots of pictures of cliff playing w the babe/s

we all know cove can be lazy with his hair, but he doesn't want his kid going to school w crazy hair so he learns

at first it looks like a mess

n if you keep your hair short or can only do smth simple, its time to call your ma or lee for help LOL

imagine cove standing by your ma as she's showing him how to braid... so sweet

cove is tip-toeing through the house, trying to shake off his outside clothes quietly and when he walks back into the room after brushing his teeth he's greeted with the sweet sound of his baby's giggle

you are sound asleep.

you and the other babe are sound asleep.

he shushes the baby, easing himself into the bed. suddenly he thinks that spending all that money on this big bed was worth it, especially with the way his achy body sinks into it.

"cove?..."

he reaches over the babe/s. "sorry.. did I wake you?"

you hum, it's not a yes or a no, just a sleepy sound and he laughs at how out of it you are even though you're trying to fight it, stroking your face and carding his fingers through your hair.

"I love you.. thank you." he whispers. this moment is so delicate. he worries a bit that if he speaks too loud it'll be gone and he'll wake up in his teenage bedroom, staring at the bottom of his scratched up bunk bed.

"f'what?" you blink slowly.

"for everything..." he grins softly, thinking about that night

of your wedding, when you told him you wanted kids with him.

after the ORCA fundraiser dinner, when you asked him if he imagined having kids with you.

"we made it. that future we talked about..."

you smile softly, more awake now. "thanks for making it with me."

he laughs, muffins his face in the pillow and resting a hand on the baby, willing them not to wake. "how can you thank me for that?"

you grin, more sleepy than anything but still full of mischief.

"how can you thank me for getting me pregnant?" you giggle at your husband's flustered face.

"how can you thank me for being here like I promised years later?" you tease, bringing up night of the fundraiser.

cove flushes, burying his face in the babies hair instead of answering you.

he puts an arm around you, careful of the little one/s between you. "just go to bed..."

gb lady said cove is sahd material.....

omg he makes them lunch always, or he at least helps you make lunch because his cooking skills are a bit limited and they'd prbly have star shaped sandwiches and applesauce everyday

HE HAS A THING TO PUT THE BABE IN WHILE HE DOES HOUSE SHIT

your kids are definitely cuddles bc of him, he always picks em up, and if he doesn't have a carrier than he'll make a makeshift one out of a blanket.

omg imagine him and the kid/s at the dining table crying tryna figure out the homework

"its getting worse y/n!!!" "what the fuck is common core math?!" "babe call the teacher, something is missing here..."

if you're bad at math or smth too than you're all fucked n your kid/s AND COVE are facetiming his dad for a long distance tutoring lesson

he's reading them books every night

HE gets upset when it doesn't happen

"babe we gotta turn around, I only read them 5 books we're gonna be gone 6 nights."

FaceTime them every night you're away just the two of u

falls asleep w the kids in the weirdest positions

why is there a princess crown on his head and where did the face paint come from????

spoils the kid/kids. you're gonna go bankrupt please stop!!!

when your kid/s finally graduate n move out on their own, he thanks his dad for raising him and teaching him how to be the best dad.

also thanks you for just being amazing n reassuring him whenever he worried abt doing something wrong

if you have more than 1, he's a master by baby 2/3

COVE: (holding fresh baby, whispering) ....why is it so red

raising you kid/s w cove is tough at first, cove worries about doing some wrong or failing as a parent.

and he did eventually admit he was worried about raising his kid/s in a "broken" home. his parents did their best! and he loves them, but the split was hard for him and he doesn't want them to go through the same feelings.

every day is a new experience in your house to say the least

I imagine it's filled w lots of worry, love, and tears

COVE N HIS KID/S HAVE A CRY COUNT

(cove is losing somehow?! he's been out crybaby-ed)

[fluffykiddosstuff]

❤️What would they do for valentine's day (dbh)❤️

Hello everyone! I hope you all got the love you deserved today! (from family, co-workers, friends or lovers doesn't matter <3) and I hope you will like this :) it's not NSFW bc I didn't had enough idea for NSFW headcanons about valentine's days since I'm single :_: so sorry abt that

---------

💙Daniel💙

(I have this headcanons were the dpd repaired all the androids that could be repaired after Markus got them their rights so let's say it's after that :))

- poor boy is really traumatized by is old owners, but he remembers how they acted to each other on valentine's day, how one would cook and the other buy presents all the stuff like that, so he considered about doing similar

- If you say you don't want anything fancy for this day or that you finish work a bit late, he would be stressing inside but not showing any of it, he has attachments issues and even if it's not meant in a bad way he feels like you would get rid of him like his previous owners tried to

- cooks something fancyer than usually and would set candles were you both usually eat (like I said in previous headcanons : thirium food hc for androids), maybe some red themed decoration but not too much and a lot but A LOT of kisses and cuddles in the couch <3 it would be praises from him to you and the other way around to let each other know you are both loved deeply

- as a gift he would try to help you with work that you brought home so you can rest in bed with him sooner than you did every day, if he can't help he would just bring you some coffee/tea (or any favorite drinks you like folks) to keep you going while you finish

- hugs you frome behind while you work and while you fall asleep either on him or in the bed after taking care of you in a warm and romantic bath <3

💚Ralph💚

(for Ralph you meeted him thanks to Kara and you live with him in this BTW :))

- he didn't knew what valentine's day was until he saw it either on your TV or while he was walking outside, he asked more about it to Kara since Kara and Luther were dating now, she explained that it was something to show love to the ones you truly care about

- "but isn't that something you should do every day?"

- after a while he finally understood and rushed home to surprise you the best he could

- putting the keys in your bag and getting in the living room, you saw a big bouquet of your favorites flowers and plants on the center table, you smiled fondly when Ralph took you in his arms from behind and kissed your cheek

- " Ralph made the composition himself, they won't last very long but we could always try to do the same with paper, what do you think?"

- he also ordered your favorite food, since he knows he can't cook well since he doesn't have a "home caring" program (the Alice and Kara incident at the squat made us realize that lol)

- he want to feed you and you to feed him, he didn't got loved like that and he want to show you he does truly

🤎Markus🤎

- he knows what valentine's day is about, Carl made back then a special painting about this day and explained it to markus how, for humans, it was important and meaningful

- once you got home nothing would have changed but, when you enter your room to get changed you saw a big painting of you and your lover on the bed with petals of your favorite flower on the sheets, you admired the painting when you heard a romantic song playing on a piano, you smiled to yourself knowing who it was and you got into the working area that you reserved for markus and his hobbies

- "did you like the painting? I hope you did because It will be hanging in this room since today"

- he smiled and kissed you, then probably wants to dance with you and make you laugh for the rest of the day

- "you are the most beautiful peace of art ever, I mean it"

☕Gavin☕

- "valentine's day? Pff it's for cowards"

- would sent you some dumb romantic quotes by text so only you can see them

- when you got home you find a box of chocolates with a little note on it

- "even if I don't show it or tell it every day, I'm glad you are in my life"

- he would hug you in the bed/sofa and cherish your body while saying sometimes love words to you

- kiss everywhere you feel insecure 1nd likes when you kiss his scars

💛Simon💛

- prepared everything so you don't have to do anything but relax when you get home, diner? Already made, cleaning? Done, he wants you to enjoy every seconds of the time you will spend together

- "here let me take your coat" with a warm smile then a hug and a kiss

- some lights lit up in the room and your favorite perfume all over the room to make you at ease

- buyed you flowers, made you a card, dressed up fancy and buyed you some clothes he thought you would have liked, this man wants to make you feel special and loved <3

- drinking champagne by a balcony, looking at the stars and Detroit, chatting about whatever comes to your minds

- he is glued to you and snuggling against you (pls let him be the little spoon he just wants to feels you holding him)

🩸Connor🩸

- since he is still a little bit awkard with his deviancy, he literally bullied hank to make tings perfect

- dressed in a blue and black suit, he invited you to a restaurant and made you the center of his attention since every days he as to focus on cases for work

- walks while taking your hand in a park and sits on a bench looking at the stars

- "every nights and days with you are wonderful, I can't get enough of them and you, I wished we could do this every night"

- arrived home he would help you get cleaned and then spoons you while stroking your hair and soothing you to sleep

🥃Hank🥃

- "valentine's day are only made to make money, it's dumb"

- wants just to spend the day with you at home chilling, in pyjamas, nothing fancy

- maybe would order what you would want to eat and let you pick the movie

- strokes your hair whil you snuggle next to him

- don't be surprised if you see a gift on your bed

- "what? Just because I find it dumb doesn't mean I can't buy you shit.."

- If you buy him something he would use it every day every times he can

- falling asleep with you and sumo in the bed is the best valentine's this old man could dream of

🤖Nines🤖

- many researchs of how he can show you his love by touch or gift since he isn't good with words

- kisses and hugs out of nowhere, more than usually

- gift you clothing and jewelry

- tries to cook (either it's fantastic either it's burned, no in-between)

- let's you borrow his working jacket for once

- takes you shopping

- takes you to a restaurant

- in bed he would keep you as close as he can and gently rub every part that reach his hands

- he doesn't expect anything in return but if you do, it will stay in his mind 24/24hours and he would be overwhelmed by that

🕊️Rupert🕊️

- he hear about valentine's day while feeding some pigeons in the park

- would send a message with a bird to your window, while waiting outside for you

- "you know I love you right? Do you want to be my valentine this year?"

- takes you into a zoo and stops almost every time to analyse every animals (even the ones that aren't part of the zoo)

- buys you a plush of your favorite animal and some food

- takes many pictures with you and then gift them to you in a frame

- offers you his coat when you both get home

- when you propose him to stay he smiles and hugs you in the bed until you fall asleep

☮️Josh☮️

- he knows what valentine's day is since almost the start of his deviancy, when you started to get with him he knew he wanted to experience this first time with you

- takes you to your favorite place and does a picnic there

- watch the clouds and imagine the forms and their story

- made you some home made gift

- "wait you have some crumbs here, don't move.."

- plays and dance with you when you get home and then falls asleep one the couch, you on top of him, he is hugging you tightly against him

- you are the best thing that happened to him since the androids rised up

-------

I hope you like those headcanons!

[weird-dere-writes]

has ichigo ever used your body for stress relief? have you ever used his? how does it usually go? 👁️

Yes and yes, dearest Mimi 🙂‍↕️

Prepare for some SERIOUS yappin' hejdhekdudodyd like masters in yapology level yapping omg why did dumping my thoughts end up this long HHHHHHHHHGGGG. Imma be so real, writing for Ichigo was the easy part. What took so long was writing about myself osenuikjfrdiknbtikfj. I am psychoanalyzing him and exposing myself here frfr skjrbfiyerbdikeidj. But I hope you enjoy :3.

If y'all don't wanna read about me n Ichigo fuckin' skip this one lmao <3

With Ichigo, there are 3 perceivable levels of stress. I've come to learn this the longer we've been together.

The first stage is him being quieter than usual. Like it isn't unlike him to be quiet and doing his own thing; to have content silence. But there's a slight tension in the silence that I can feel when he's bothered. Typically, whenever I ask him at this stage if everything is okay, he will tell me what's going on. Normally, it isn't anything too big or serious, but he'll get my thoughts on things concerning whatever the situation or feeling is.

The second stage is when the silence is more loud. He's more distant and often needs some space to himself to introspect (what he would call it) or brood (what I would call it). His natural scowl will seem to get a bit deeper at these times. Sometimes, I'll brush my thumb between his brows to smooth the wrinkles and advise him to breathe. Even to breathe with me in a short exercise sometimes. Just as a reminder that I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for him when I think I see him getting a little too deep. Because at this second stage, I'm not getting anything out of him until he's ready to tell me or our friends that know exactly what's going on force it out of him in a way I can't.

The third stage of stress is when I believe him to be at his peak. He's physically restless and fidgety, which is really unlike him. I KNOW something is heavy on his mind that he either feels powerless or doesn't know what to do about. But he doesn't want to bring me into anything or worry me, so he remains tight-lipped. He wants to figure things out on his own. Obviously, I hate to see him this way, so my move is to comfort him how I can, given the circumstances.

I will come to him, place my hands on both his cheeks and look into his eyes. I see storms raging in them as he looks back at me. We take a moment and freeze. Just to focus on one another for a bit. Then I will gently tilt his head down and kiss his forehead, before bringing him into my arms. I'll hold him and speak softly. Tell him that I know something is bothering him, but i won't ask him to tell me anything. Tell him that we need to find a more productive way to release this energy in his body, and ask him how he wants to proceed. Sometimes we'll go out on a walk. Sometimes we'll lift weights. Sometimes we'll play a video game. Sometimes we'll draw. Sometimes we'll cook. Just something to get his body moving and his mind on something else for a while.

At times, he won't know how he wants to proceed. He can't think of anything he'd want to do. That is when I offer up myself. If he wants, he can have me. 9 times out of 10 in that situation he will say yes. (The other 1 of 10 times we will just end up cuddling for a while.)

It is at this point that once we are in the bedroom (our stress relief sex is always in the bedroom where we are safest and coziest <3) that I gently usher him through everything. I'm readying our bed while I have him go splash his face in the bathroom. When the bed is done and he comes out, I am undressing him; removing all but his shirt (more on that soon). I will dress down to either just my bra or full nudity depending on the vibe. I'm getting him on the bed, kissing his body, hitting all his sensitive spots, caressing his hips, whispering sweet nothings to him. Doing basically everything but touching him in that spot bc he's more slow to warm up in these times. I just focus on loving on him gently. I don't start touching him there until he either moves my hand to it, or asks me to. Usually by then it is a solid pole and it's hot 🌡. I'll stroke him for a little bit and we'll kiss until he's ready to flip us over.

Missionary is his chosen position just about every time he's using my body for stress relief. He wants to see me. He wants to see into me. He wants me to see him. He wants me to see something in him. To show me something he cant find the strength to say in words.

At any other time in missionary we are very close quarters. Most of our bodies are touching. It is very intimate.

Not to say this is not intimate, but there is a marked level of tension in the air that is not sexual. Like, his state of mind manifests itself physically in that missionary at these times is at arms length as he is above me.

He'll start with a slow grind as he feels things out; his brows furrowing upwards as he tries to focus on the good sensations, grunting here and there. When he starts feeling it is when he'll take the hem of his shirt and put it in his mouth. He needs to bite on something. The grinding becomes more of a deep ramming, and he goes from grunting here and there to a bit more whiny/whimpery.

And its like AUGH. Cus the visual AND him whimpering is so HOT but I hate it has to come from circumstances that bother him. Bc I can still see it in his eyes.

Between my own mewls here and there i am murmuring to him, affirming him, complimenting him, reassuring him, just being present with him.

When he's getting close, his eyes will flutter closed. And I want nothing more than to pull him close. But I leave him where he desires to be until his eyes clench and he spills inside me.

I don't always get to finish with these sessions, but that's okay. He'll apologize for it in those instances, but I shush him. I just wanna support him fr. I'm happy to hold him again at the end of it all.

I love him sm he is my baby he is my everythiiiinnnggggg 🥹🧡.

With me, it’s not so much progressive stages of stress, but more so 3 differing kinds. Different ways I instinctively deal with a given situation.

Type 1: Head full

I can’t stop thinking about whatever is bothering me. I'm getting in my head; overthinking about the occurrence that disturbs me, replaying it over and over, pondering how it could have gone differently, having realizations after the fact, wishing i would have said something different to better get my point across, drowning in the crippling ordeal of being perceived the wrong way, knowing I should not be this affected and yet continuing to feel. My face feels like stone and my head begins to hurt. I am increasingly aware of the tension in my brows, trying to make sure I don't look mad or something. I feel warmer the longer I think. Especially in the face. I feel my pulse more.

Similarly to Ichigo in his first stage, if he asks me about whatever bothers me, I am more likely to tell him about it in this type of stress response. We can talk it out. Maybe there will be some reassurance, some criticism, some advice, etc. He is there to make me feel heard so I can get the racing thoughts out of my head. So I can move on with my daily life frfr and not be trapped in this simmering emotion.

Type 2: Head empty

Stress is weighing on me. I am frustrated, but whatever situation I was put in is something I am still actively navigating; perhaps by obligation. I have no choice but to continue to try to push through it. But because I don't have the space to overthink, I instead shut down and just go through motions trying to get through to the other side. Until I can breathe again. And by that time I am just tired. Too tired to begin to overthink even then. A little relieved things are over but still can't quite believe I was put under that much stress. Especially so if it wasn't because of my doing.

When in this type of stress response, like his second stage, if possible, I tend to be more to myself. I feel like if I try to explain things to someone that they just won't understand my thoughts and be somewhat careless and uncaring with their response. The weight of that possibility is too much for me. The amount of emotional effort it takes to express myself when I'm that bothered is not worth risking. Even just practicing in my head or out loud alone if I feel somewhat resolved to do so will have me shedding tears.

Sometimes when I get like this, I assure Ichigo that I trust him. I see that my being this way is bothering him. I feel that I need to let him know that i'm aware he would never try to hurt me. I just... can't bring myself to talk about whatever is going on. Other times he already knows and is ready to just do what he can to support me.

It can be a long song and dance that pushes me to tears, but he's resolute. If it gets to that point, he will hold my hand to comfort me, but nothing else changes. I will be crying when I cum as I drown in the depths of his pools of brown. Once the waves of orgasm finish washing over me is when he allows me to look away. When I start to squirm a bit and sob shakily; fisting at my eyes.

This is where sometimes he will offer himself up sexually for stress relief. When I am in this type of stress, his typical move is to eat me out. As long as we have been together, I am still shy about this man giving me head. I will be a blushing mess and can barely look at him. Also I feel his view looking up at me is probably so unappealing??? This is all strategic on his part, though.

Since I can't tell him of my stress, this is his way of having me be vulnerable to him in another fashion. He will hold me firmly by the legs or hips to keep me from squirming, to keep me from humping his face too much, to allow him control of the situation and hindering me from hiding or running away. When he's doing this, he is making sure my eyes stay on him too and it burns me from the inside out. And he knows it, staring back at me with his tongue between my legs. If I break our shared gaze he will either tell me to look at him or stop his ministrations until I look back at him.

He'll give me a minute to process the physical and emotional release before he's caressing me, and moving in to hold me. Telling me how proud he is and that no matter how much i looked away or how stubborn I was that I did good. Reassuring me that he's here and everything is gonna be okay <3.

Type 3: Avoidance

A certain something I do not want to face looms on the horizon, bringing up an anxiety in me that I cannot always place. I keep telling myself I have more time, that I will get to it, and do other things instead that I enjoy, or simply get rest, as a chronic procrastinator does. I've gotten quite a bit better about it over the years I think, but sometimes I do have that nagging itch, to turn my gaze the other way and keep the stress at bay. Slowly letting it creep closer and closer until it is upon me, and more stress inducing than it ever had to be.

The sex that happens for relief in this instance of stress response is usually a while after the fact of the stressing event. My own choice to ignore whatever I didn't want to face leading to a compounding of high stress and being forced into action is not a good time for it lmao.

Ichigo did warn me multiple times about this upcoming stressor, but uh... 🧍🏾‍♀️. My brain said no sibnfkernbikdfd.

It will be a 50/50 on if he decides to help me in the moment or leave me to deal with it myself. Extremely valid of him ngl. A girl needs to learn sometimes ✊🏾😔.

He doesn't take joy in me being stressed though, of course. Once what I needed to get done is all said and done, he will move in to help me decompress. Not always in a sexual way, but when it is, he goes all in. Wants to get me to a point where I'm so blissful I can't even think, stress be condemned to hell.

Ichigo will set up our room. With candles (on candle warmers cus he's safe like that uwu), rose petals, music and all. Will have me undress and lay on the bed on my stomach. Get me nice and oiled up as rubs me down with a full body massage, gently working the tension out of my muscles. Once he's done I'm nearly falling asleep, but he'll have me position myself so there is a pillow under my hips and I am hugging another pillow.

From there, my man will commence hitting it from the back. Again, he isn't really holding me down, but holding me firmly (not that I planned to move much anyway lol).

Also note that when he is doing this he is again at arms length above me; considering that I may still need that space as he does when I let him use my body for stress relief. (what a thoughtful sweetie 🥺)

He will make me cum no less than three times. He will hold me firmly as mentioned before until I cum the first time. Leading up to the second time, his touch is more light; more comforting. His hands, big and warm, are rubbing circles into my skin, stroking down my back, etc. Leading up to the third time, his thrusts are a lot slower, but deeper. He stops sometimes to kiss down my back before continuing his movements. He's calling me his pretty girl and telling me how much I deserve this; how much he loves me.

Rounds past that point could be anything fr. But know that by the end of it all, my heart is full, my puthy is full, my mind is full but only of him, and I am crying bc I am in utter euphoria 🕊️.

thank u for putting your eye bawls to my yap session 😌💞.

WHEW ‼️

[doomzday-zone]

hey sorry it's me again (<- girl who needs to go to sleep) urrhm ok walks into ur office with a stack of papers it's me secretary over apologizer

anywah rum um um th hey hi so uh looks around can weeee talk about the really big theme of nowhere to hide in the book and the game interchangeably like um. um. hi. okay so I'm literally laying in bed right now complete darkness like oh wow the characters oh wow oh wow smacks into a wall face first. and um um

okay like I just feel like god this thing with like.. yeagh.. there really is nowhere to hide from your parents ❤ that's literally the ultimate thing being a child like you can't just LEAVE and that's actually such a scary ass theme and the way the house keeps getting put on more and more lockdown in the game is like This is so alarming ❤ BUT that doesn't happen (or isnt stated) in the book, the difference in the book since u havent read it is just that oz doesn't leave for a few days because he's scared and can hear the. the thing standing outside his door all the time and it's like (steps up to microphone) WOW I LOVE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LITERALLY NOT BEINF ABLE TO JUST LEAVE AND THE MENTAL STATE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO Just Leave um and the way you run out of places to go in the game is so like ohhfmygodd sorry it's just really good like the game feels like it's suffocating that boy like u gotta get out of here because soon there will physically be no exit !! and the way the hiding minigames work ooogg ooohhh hi hey um hi sorry this game is written so beautifully it makes me physically nauseous only good fnaf game ever. uh but the hiding games not being designed like traditional hiding mechanics in games like holding a door shut or something, but stuff like oh keep the spiders away because it feels more like SORRY KID THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO OTHER THAN SIT THERE AND PRAY havr fun!!! ob my god head in hands like You can try to stop the toys or not breathe so scared but you can't physically hold a door shut because you're too little 🙁🙁😞😞😞😢 this game is so alarming I hate it not really but it's like ohntmmgdos and and and and hi hey okay so more with nowhere to hide like

I said this in my insane tags on that one post but the way that every single adult is like Oh you're so fucking strange weird little kid causing trouble . like it's not only like he can't tell anyone because he'd sound crazy but the universe being predisposed to everyone not listening to children about anything ever is like I feel like I've been punched in the face thanks like directly in the jaw my teeth r on the floorrr

like ugh I h h RATTLES BARS

um and and and looks around :c I can say more things but I just yeagh..

YEAAAAAAAA ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEFUCMING. AHHHHHH !!!!!!! thats smth i REALLY REALLY like abt into the pit like you REALLY feel like ur put into the shoes of a kid here you can only do so much while trying and experiencing shit wayyyy bigger than yourself, n it just elevates the horror bc like, obv ur oarent/someone you love being replaced by an imperfect impostir is already a scary notion. n being a CHILD TOO????? like fuckkkkk man your options r dwindling. n the way kuds r treated in society n shit as well as eveything else, oswalds just a kid, hes in sixth grade like?????? how do you deal w this???????? theres a fucking EVIL ANIMAL in your house. the world is already si scary as achild w/o all this but yhis maies it ten yimes worse, AND your home isnt even safe either. the amount if stress n trauma this kid experiences in a work week is fuxking insane hashtag justice for ozwald gotdamn.

AD AND i still xant stop thinking about the fat like. oswald is forced to relive the trauma of the events n shit that transpired a freddys, from the child victims at the pizzeria, to Michaels and the crying childs in his own home. smth smth themes of generational trauma n whatever its insane my brian explodes into ten million bloody chunks.

n what u said abt the book..... man........ imagine being holed up in ur room for days in end bc of The Thing on the other end of the door. like LITERALLY FNAF 4 SHIT GODDD. oswald reliving the trauma of the entire fnaf franchise in five nights like: INSANEEE. CRAZYYYYY.

[frances-baby-houseman]

We are going to Atlanta this weekend for my sister's high school graduation, and it's becoming so... complicated. Always.

First, I was going to go alone, then just with Alice, then Adam said we should all go, so I bought tickets, then like 48 hours later when it was too late too cancel, adam learned he has a court date that can't be moved so he has to stay home and I have to fly with both kids alone. Which is fine, but like, annoying logistically.

Then, my stepmom this whole time has said that there were tons of tickets and we could all go, then she said there were only 8 so the kids couldn't come. But everyone we know is going to this stupid ceremony so we don't have anyone to babysit. And my sister told my stepmom that her husband (my BIL) would stay with Joe, and then Al could come with us. But when I thanked her for that, she said she was JOKING and that he absolutely had to come bc he was so sad about missing my sister's bat mitzvah, which is just absolutely bat shit. That's not a joke!!

So THEN, I was like, ok, I will schlep them over to my mom's at like 7 in the morning, bc this stupid graduation is at 8:30 (I hate these WASPs), except my mom has Parkinsons and keeps falling and I cannot leave her alone with the kids, so I have to find a babysitter for the babysitter. It's bad. And I called her and I kept saying, I need to know Larry (her husband) will be there, and she just kept being like, I can handle your kids! I'm not scared of them! And I was like, MOM, you keep FALLING, You can MENTALLY handle my kids but if you fall and are alone with them, which WILL HAPPEN bc she fell when she was here taking care of Alice!, they will not know what to do!! I feel awful bc she's the best grandma, truly, but she cannot be alone with little kids anymore. It's not safe for anyone. And I was like, I'll come get them after the ceremony! and she was like, no no I will drive them to your dad's! But like, I am not having her drive them! her feet don't work! But I have a solution for that which is just not give her the car seats.

It is just all very logistically stressful. Also I know that I will be forced into either sharing a room with my kids or onto the murphy bed in the office while my stepsister gets the glorious guest room bed. Which again is FINE but like, ugh. It just feels very much like we are an afterthought fucking up everyone's nice time.

[onlyjaeyun]

Zadie, Zadie, Zadie I know you said Poison bonus chapter, but may I recommend something even better, Hype Boy bonus chapter just in time for the one and only Jake Sim's birthday.

The feminine urge to write a fic for Jake's birthday is just too much, like my heart says do it, but my brain says finish your Sunghoon fic it's already at 51k and so close to being done.

I'm out of plot ideas for the moment, which like I've sent so many, instead just enjoy some thoughts for the moment.

Once they start dating y/n is quick to realize when Jay gets mad, rather than possibly yell and all at her, he'd just invite Sunghoon to go workout, getting his anger out that way rather than possibly hurting anyone with his words.

Jay is the type that once him and y/n start dating, he won't let either of them go to bed angry, it would hurt his ego, but he'd put himself aside and apologize for the argument even if it wasn't his fault. He'd apologize and just confuse y/n, since she's be just be like 'but I started the argument' and Jay's just like 'well I'm sorry I let you start an argument'. They definitely talk through everything, and Jay takes each and every word y/n says to heart. The boys definitely send that one picture that says 'me and bitch don't argue she tells me shut up and I do' to their gc and are all 'that's u Jay'.

Once y/n and Jay are dating, Sunghoon would find a reason to be at Jay's penthouse every night, just because he wants the good food. Jay would cook all the good food while y/n bakes all the amazing treats, Sunghoon calls them his parents at least once, probably in the gc at some point asking Jay 'what's for dinner', and when Jay's like 'why', he's like 'ur my parents and I'm hungry'; this interaction gets him uninvited from Jay's penthouse for like a week, until y/n ask why Sunghoon hasn't been over to raid their freshly baked goods and Jay lets him back in, but limits his visits to once a week.

Jay said y/n can personalize her area, but she refrains from it, not wanting to possibly put something out Jay does not like. Jay however notices that she does not personalize her desk like he said she can, despite how much he hates it and it hurts him, he puts a few personalized items on his own desk, seeing those makes y/n feel more comfortable about personalizing her own desk. While he might hate the items he put on his desk, he enjoys seeing the joy in y/n's face as she personalizes her own desk.

Jay isn't one for personalizing anything, but once him and y/n are dating, he has a picture of her in one of his desk drawers and whenever he can't just look at her, say he's stressed or just missing her beautiful face, he just opens up the desk drawer and stares at the photo. The boys definitely catch him smiling into his desk drawer at some point, and then clown him about how down bad he is.

Jay officially goes to therapy and stops using his notes app as a therapist after he overhears y/n say guys that take care of their mental health are sexy.

urgh bestie when have you ever MISSED with these? i'm afraid NEVER. i literally cant post your other hcs because they're too similar to my ideas and would be HUGE spoilers but these are too cute not to and i just :( thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to send me these k love you sm

pls ive been thinking about writing a jake fic for WEEKS but life keeps getting in my way i hate it here sm 😭😭😭 might just edit and rewrite an old fic bc i cant not post on his birthday as his gf like come on 🫣

also: FIFTYONETHOUSAND WORDS THATS FUCKING CRAZY AND I SHALL RESPECT YOU FOR THAT FOREVER THATS MADDDD

And to add to the last part: he actually goes to therapy and his therapist suggested him the notes app part bc he knew jay wouldnt do physical journaling but needed to let out his thoughts 😭😭😭

[fbwzoo]

(Long rambling post re: Emma & resource guarding)

Man, I'm so glad my household is all basically on the same page when it comes to animal care & management. It really makes it so much easier tackling some situations, like Emma's resource guarding.

Like, we got it almost gone within the household in 4-ish months. It's not fully gone, but a huge improvement.

Now that we're going to start adding back having people over slowly, we know it's going to make a reappearance due to the stress of the new situations. That's already happened with the first occasions we've had so far in the past month.

BUT lots of positives - she's relatively? Mild about it - a snarl & lunge, and then she retreats. She doesn't escalate or anything. Still a more dramatic reaction than we'd like, but could be worse.

She's also not too bad to redirect usually, either before or after, she's not fixated on the one she's trying to guard against. She's just trying to create space for herself and the guarded object - which is usually me. The habit isn't super ingrained, since both her foster mom & we have immediately been addressing it to avoid situations that cause it & redirecting when we can.

Our house layout could be better to work with, but we do have a game plan in mind for managing her with people over, and with Shilo as she's still touchiest with him out of the house animals.

For Shilo: more treats for her when he comes in the room or is on the couch to get affection. Especially for me, she'll get treats tossed away from me to reward her for leaving me & give her space from Shilo. She does lose me (in that I get up and move) if she lunges at him (or Phoebe, but she's much better with her).

For guests: I'll be out on the dog bed/floor or by the cat tree so that she can't camp out and have me + corner to defend. If she's showing increased signs of tension, like pacing, circling, etc. I'll do a treat toss towards the hallway or go to the bedroom to encourage her to follow me and give herself space from the new people. Treat toss towards the hallway/away from me if she does do any guarding as well.

I want to give her more options for either giving herself space or calming activities, but a) she still wants to be in the room with people even when she's stressed, and b) can't add anything too high value that would add something to guard or invite interest from the other animals & possible conflict. So that likely rules out lickimats and higher value chews.

I may look at getting some smaller Benebones bc she liked them at the foster house & they were fine to leave out there without guarding. The other two dogs aren't too interested in the bigger ones I got for Addy either. She's started to like shredding and chewing cardboard too, so maybe encouraging that as a distracting & calming activity for this type of thing?

[frenchfrywrites]

Georg, Sunny D, hiiii, yeehaw partner!! 🤠 And Musty Wail (but not really)

Ok so, I'm not really waiting for you to post something similar, because that seems rude and stress introducing. I would still follow you no matter what you post, so this is more just me rambling about some of your posts I REALLY like. Ahem.

"Pounding the characters so hard the bed breaks" this one I find SO funny, and it's so well written!! Often when I write my hcs I think back thus post and try to make it as well written and funny lol.

"Beel's favorite beverage" I'm not rhat into piss drinking but man. (Picture of horse looking at ocean). You really convinced me. It is soooo hard to find Beel smut in this Fandom, never mind sub!Beel smut, never mind AMAZINGLY WRITTEN SMUT!! I don't even have a piss kink but I would let Beel drink my piss after this.

"Holding their dick when they pee" LISTEN LISTEN TO ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYES. I. DO. NOT. HAVE. A. PISS KINK. (Or if I do I only have like, 10% of a pisskink. A pisskink with a few hard lines)

But....

Listen, this is one of my Weird Kinks that most people wouldn't even *consider* is a kink but. Taking care of a character?? Helping them out with things they don't Need help with, but doing it anyway? Either because they're your little baby or because they're too dumb to it themselves??? Amazing. 10/10. No notes. And this checks off a lot of this boxes. I just want a subby demon who can't get their own dick out of their pants to pee so they need me to do it for them.

"April showers day 6: pissing in public": I'm pretty sure I've come into your inbox and talked about this fic before, but I am doing it again. This is like, the Book of Mormon of piss kink to me, personally. You knocked on my door and showed me this fic and I was like "maybe I CAN indulge in a little piss kink". And now here I am. 3/4 posts on here containing piss kink. You're converted me. Ok but this is absolutely my favorite fic of your and I frequently go back to it. This definitely ticks off my "taking care of kink" and was probably part of the reason I realized that I hard that kink.

Anyway, you have so much cool stuff but I've felt like I've rambled on enough lol.

OHO SO MANY!

And wahhhhhhhhhh!!!! This ask is so sweet !!!!! You've got me rolling around on my bed and giggling and shit!!!

I'm so so so so so happy to hear about the posts you like so much!! Idk if u relate but i find it really easy to forget how my work has affected ppl lmao. Needless to say there's many of your posts that linger in my mind and that i go back to over an over again!! (You have so many good Lucifer fics! And ur hcs.... Devine)

Some of these posts especially surprised me! I'd no idea u liked the bed breaking post of mine! I went back and reread it bc it's sooo old and i was like damn u know what this is kinda silly. What an oldie tho like wow that sent me back hfhsjskajs!

And omg yes on the kink of taking care of people!!!!! Idk that's just so much fun and I'm sure it's glaringly obvious that i love it, but yes yes taking care of ppl to the extreme is so good!!!! (Looks hard at your bathing HCS and sighs dreamily)

Oh! And u should embrace ur piss kink!! 😇💖 Even if u have hard limits surrounding it, liking piss even a little bit is awesome and sexy and so much fun!! And I'm so happy u like so many of my piss fics 🫂💖 sometimes my fics are just so self indulgent that again i forget that other ppl would like them lol

Ahh this ask is just so nice i could cry really really thank u so much 💖 ‼️

[amiharana]

7, 22, 27, and 38 for the writing ask game, if you don't mind! :D

(ask game from here)

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

best part about writing is i can just write the most self-indulgent shit ever and then i read it back later and i'm like hell yeah this is exactly what i'm looking for! i'm not kidding i frequently go back through all my documents rereading all the concepting i wrote like it's a little bedtime story. no one can scratch my brainworms better than me fr! ☝️😀

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

mm i'm fairly okay about the organization of my writing stuff. after i got my first laptop, all of my writing has been on computers and kept in my google drive. i'm actually considering making another account to transfer all my stuff over so my personal google acc has more space kasjdfkjsdj

i love making so many folders and color coding in there though. i'm planning on retitling all my fic document stuff in a certain way to make it easier to find them, but i don't know what way works for me yet. there a quite a few documents that are out of place because it's either there's not enough of the same-fandom documents to make a folder or i just don't know how i wanna organize it yet. reorganizing is a process i have not had a time for recently hehe

if you're talking about actual writing, i have a couple fics where i make a separate document for the outline i wrote and switch between the outline and the draft, e.g. my docs "[revalink] crystal snow draft" vs "[revalink] crystal snow outline". usually i do this because the way i wrote it in the outline conveys the exact emotion or image i want and use that as a reference while i write the draft. also it's just fun to see my own brain on display! otherwise i keep one huge document for each ship where i braindump my ideas onto, e.g. my doc "_revalink concept reservoir" and then just add headers/outline in the document. the revalink concept document is currently 80 pages long LMFAOKDJFDJK but it's a bit messy at the moment bc i've been copy pasting a lot of stuff in there

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

hmm of the fics i've properly finished and uploaded, i don't think i've ever actually been stressed writing a character KDFHKDJFD i've mostly written soft cute self-indulgent stuff so it's not too difficult to write them being soft.

i guess what i'll say instead is i actually had a difficult time in general writing the 'like crazy' fic. most of the premise and style of the fic was something i had a hard time conveying, particularly writing link's character in that first half. i try to get in the heads of my characters when i write and figure out what they would do and why they would do it based on what i know about their character. and it was just. really hard to write link in the self-indulgence of what the vibes/lyrical meaning of the song 'like crazy' was while also keeping him within the boundaries of the character i perceive him as.

if anyone else reading this has some time to spare, you can read 'like crazy' here or the link pinned on my blog! it was my revalink week d7 fic hehe 🤍

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

i wish i could tell you something outright insane or outlandish but i can't 😔 my writing process just consists of me laying in bed with my laptop and youtube on my switch hooked to the tv playing videos while i stare at a google doc for a couple minutes until the words come to me, rinse and repeat for as many days as needed until the fic is edited and finalized.

maybe the weirdest thing i've done while writing was either laying down on my side in bed like. semi-fetal position but arranging myself in a way where i could still type on my laptop, or when i got up to lay down and cuddle on the floor of my room with my dog for a little bit to take a break from writing. sorry for the boring answer 🙏

[fanfiction-collection]

I had to wait til I was back from holiday to reblog this properly but it was so good! I love how much Ingrid always cared for Sol even when it was still officially their parents' responsibility. Their relationship is really really cute 🥹

further thoughts had to go under the cut bc there were just too many

[sol is 8 in this, and ingrid is 16] - to start with, I appreciate you putting the ages... even if I didn't read it and instead spent a good 5 minutes trying to work out how old 2nd grade is 😭

[The light clicked on, and your sister sat up in her bed, hair all messy] - this whole paragraph really stands out as well written, there's so many details to help fully picture the scene without being overbearing or anything >>>>. Also the idea of a 16yo Ingrid who could have been irritable about her sleep being interrupted, actually just being concerned and comforting to her little sister 🥹

[This was where you undoubtedly felt safest, and it wasn’t surprising when the bad feeling dulled, just a bit.] - this is making the rough patch they have in future hurt a little bit more 😭

[but your biggest bully lived at home with you] - absolutely devastating line

[“Mamma won’t come get me.” You murmured] - equally devastating that she already knows her mum won't prioritise her by 8 years old

[she’d been a bit sad; it was your first day of school, and neither of your parents seemed to care very much] - at least Ingrid gets it :(

[making a mental note to cancel the plans she had with various friends] - she cares about sol so much 🥹

[you were already awake, staring at the ceiling with tears falling from your eyes] - I'm sorry this is all I could think of 😭

[“Look what you’ve done!”] - blaming an 8yo child for a minor accident. oh, the 'fighting sol's parents' tally is going to be long for this one

[“I don’t have time for this.”] - not even comforting said child either??

[You walked into the school like you were heading for your own funeral] - can't even lie, that's how I used to walk to school so I'm with sol on this one

[He didn’t even ask to talk to you on the phone. Not even when he heard what happened] - sigh. tally #3, and that's just for her dad

[Privately, you hoped that you’d never have to do much without her. Ingrid was your very best friend, and best friends were supposed to stay together.] - 🥹

[Mamma came home, who fussed over you right away] - it really says something about how bad her mum usually is that this line is shocking 😭

[Quit saying that! It’s not true] - get 'em Ingrid

[We’ll take her to see someone, if only so you stop stressing yourself out about this] - at least Ingrid knows how to weaponise her favourite child privileges

nerves

sol's masterlist ☀️ 2nd grade shouldn't be as scary as it felt, but sol was quite used to things feeling scarier than they seemed to feel to other people. even if her parents weren't worried for her growing anxiety, though, ingrid was. [sol is 8 in this, and ingrid is 16] warnings: descriptions of anxiety + symptoms of anxiety.

------

Your chest felt tight, tears falling quickly down your face as you sobbed into your pillow. Fear was gripping you, making it so that you couldn’t breathe right. It wasn’t a new feeling, it was one you’d experienced before, though you couldn’t quite put a name to it. You felt sick, sicker when you remembered what the following day was. You’d only been able to get a few hours of sleep before the feeling woke you up, and soon after, you were trembling in your bed, clutching tightly to Snø. 

The feeling was becoming overwhelming, and you were suddenly worried you were going to throw up or stop breathing or something. It was this terrifying thought that had you pushing the covers back, and creeping out of your room. You went down the hall, passed your parents room as quietly as you could, before you pushed Ingrid’s door open. 

“Ing?” You whispered, the low volume of your voice not disguising how shaky it was. The light clicked on, and your sister sat up in her bed, hair all messy. She blinked at you groggily, and you took a tentative step closer. “Ca-can I sleep in here?” 

Your sister seemed to wake more, concern replacing the sleepy expression on her face. “Of course you can.” 

She’d barely gotten the words out before you were scrambling forward onto her bed with her. Ingrid’s arms were already open, and you curled into her, allowing her long arms to wrap around you. This was where you undoubtedly felt safest, and it wasn’t surprising when the bad feeling dulled, just a bit. 

“Solstråle, you’re shaking.” Ingrid murmured, frowning at the quiet whimper you gave in response. “What’s wrong, huh?” She wondered, tucking your head under her chin and rubbing your back. 

You were sniffled, hiding your face in her neck and gripping her shirt in your fist as you snuggled even closer. “‘M Scared.” 

“What are you scared of?” 

Only here, in the dark and curled up against your favorite person, could you admit what was really terrifying you. “Don’t wanna go to school.” 

“School is scaring you?” Ingrid wondered, not knowing you to have struggled with this in the past. 

You nodded, the steady thumping of your sister’s heartbeat in your ear grounding you. 

“Why?” 

A shrug, this time, with you only speaking when Ingrid tried to extract your face from its hiding spot. “Don’t know. Just scared.” 

You really didn’t know. No matter how much you tried to figure out why you were so terrified, nothing came to mind. There was no explanation. All you knew was that this feeling was sticking around, and you’d do just about anything to get rid of it. 

“Is someone at school bothering you?” Ingrid asked, her voice dropping to anger at the mere thought. 

“No.” You weren’t lying. Sure, the kids at school could be mean sometimes, but your biggest bully lived at home with you. You dealt with her every day, and the mean kids couldn’t hold a torch to your mother when she decided she’d had enough of you. The social aspect was a stressor, for sure, but it wasn’t the cause of the pit in your stomach. “It’s… it’s new. It’s different.” 

“It’s not new, not really!” Ingrid tried to rationalize. “It’s the same school, you’ve been there before. You know how everything works. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” 

“It’s still new. A new year and a new teacher and a new class and new people and… I don’t wanna go. I want to stay here. Please.” You looked up at your sister, eyes wide and watery, and her heart truly broke. She hated that you were so upset, and she hated that she didn’t have the power to tell you that you didn’t have to go. 

“School is important, Solstråle. You’ll be okay once you get there, I promise. It’s just the anticipation that’s causing you trouble.” Her voice was encouraging and kind, but you were merely puzzled, the word being unfamiliar to you. 

“What is anticipation?”

“It’s like the waiting before something happens. It’s always worse than whatever actually happens.” 

“What if it’s not better once I get there?” Ingrid was the person you trusted more than anyone in the world, but even she couldn’t put your nervousness to rest with just a few words. It was too intense for that to work. 

“You go to the nurse, and you tell them you don’t feel well, and they’ll call Mamma. She’ll come get you, and we can try again tomorrow.” Ingrid explained rationally, believing herself that you’d be completely fine once you got to school. 

“Mamma won’t come get me.” You murmured. At this point, Ingrid was used to the tension between you and your mother, and she knew that, likely, you were right. “She has a meeting with your manager. Pappa’s taking me in the morning because she’ll be gone all day, and then he’s going to work.” 

Your sister remembered now. She was supposed to pick you up after school, because no one else would be home. When her mother had told her, she’d been a bit sad; it was your first day of school, and neither of your parents seemed to care very much. 

“Then I’ll come get you.” Ingrid promised, making a mental note to cancel the plans she had with various friends, and the lunch date she was supposed to go on. If no one else would be there for you tomorrow, then she would make sure she was.

“Really?” You asked quietly, glancing up at her hopefully, and then looking away quickly, as if your hope would jinx it. 

“Promise. You promise me to try your best to go and stay, and if you don’t feel better by lunch, I’ll come get you.” 

Until lunch was a long time. A whole morning with the icky feeling in your stomach didn’t excite you, but Ingrid was already going out of her way to help, so the least you could do was accept her deal. “Okay. Promise.” 

“Good. Now it’s bedtime, okay?” 

“Kay.” You mumbled, closing your eyes tight to appease your sister, though your tight grip on her shirt didn’t relent. Ingrid turned the lamp back off and settled back under the covers, this time with you held close to her. She hoped that would be the end of it. When she woke the next morning, though, and you were already awake, staring at the ceiling with tears falling from your eyes, she knew it wouldn’t be. 

-------

Your hands were shaking as you brought the little spoon to your lips, and your tummy twisted at the thought of putting food into your mouth. You’d managed a couple mouthfuls of cereal, but suddenly, it felt like another would make you sick that instant. Putting the spoon down, you reached for your glass of water, only your hand was still shaking, and the glass slipped from it, shattering back down onto the table. You jumped, startled. The water quickly ran off the table and down onto your father’s lap, as he swore. You shut your eyes tightly, awaiting the inevitable yelling that was sure to follow. 

“Shit!” Your dad shouted, pushing his chair backwards and rising from his seat. His pants were soaked with water, and you knew he was wearing a new suit for an important meeting he had today. 

“Sorry!” You cried, grabbing a napkin and weakly trying to mop up some of the water. “Sorry, Pappa.” 

“Look what you’ve done!” He shouted, looking down to glare at you, only softening slightly when he saw your tears. 

“It wasn’t on purpose.” You mumbled, shrinking into yourself in your seat. If you’d felt sick before, you felt like you might just curl up into a ball and die now. 

“It doesn’t matter. You need to be more careful. Now I have to change, and you’re going to make both of us late.” Your father scolded, apparently oblivious intense distress. 

“What’s all the yelling for?” Ingrid wondered, walking past her father as he stormed upstairs to change. You were crying silently, cleaning up the water as best you could. You didn’t respond to Ingrid’s question, though your dad did stop and turn to address your sister. 

“Your sister is being clumsy, again. Can you take her to school, Ing? I have a meeting and I’ll be late if I take her.” 

“Yeah, I can.” Ingrid agreed easily, still looking between you both with uncertainty. 

“But… you’re supposed to walk me to my class and help me find my cubby. It’s my first day. Mamma said, you’re supposed to come with me.” You whimpered, your lower lip wobbling. 

“I don’t have time for this.” Your father sighed, turning around and walking out of the room without another word. 

“Pappa,” you called after him, really starting to panic now at the thought of having to manage everything all by yourself. Your Mamma had promised that Pappa would come with and help you get to class. It was the only thing that had stopped the absolute tantrum you’d thrown the day before when she told you she had to go to a meeting instead of taking you. You started to cry, for real now, bringing your hands to your face and instinctually trying to swallow your tears, to no avail. 

Within a few seconds, though, there were hands on yours, pulling them away from your face, and you opened your eyes to see Ingrid kneeled in front of you. Unlike your father, Ingrid was deeply concerned with the way you were acting. It seemed to her to be more than just the regular first day butterflies; you were properly panicking now. 

“Don’t want to go, Ingrid, I can’t do it by myself,” you sobbed, leaning forward until your sister wrapped her arms around you and pulled you into a nice, tight hug. 

“Shh, shh.” She soothed, running her fingers through your hair, noting that your father hadn’t even bothered to put it up into a ponytail like he was supposed to. “You won’t be alone, I’ll take you in. We’ll find your cubby, and meet your teacher, and everything will be fine, Solstråle.” 

Leaning back, you looked at your sister skeptically. “Really?” 

“Of course!” Ingrid said with a smile. She wiped a few tears from your cheeks, and straightened your shirt. Checking the clock, on the counter, she made an executive decision. “Let’s get your face rinsed off, and your hair braided, and then I’ll take you.” 

With your hand in hers, Ingrid brought you to the bathroom, and for the first time that morning, you thought that things might be okay. 

------

You walked into the school like you were heading for your own funeral, trudging along and dragging your feet next to your sister. Ingrid stuck by your side, though, as she’d promised to do, but the time for her to leave came all too soon. Seeing the tears welling in your eyes as the teacher called for everyone to say goodbye to their parents, she took your hand and led you over to the corner of the classroom. She knelt down in front of you, trying to seem relaxed and calm, hoping you could pick up on it. 

“I’m gonna go now, Solstråle, but remember our deal?” 

“I remember.” You mumbled, scrubbing your fist over your eye, desperate not to cry in front of your classmates. 

“Okay. Just try for me, yeah? Until lunch, and if you’re still feeling nervous, go to the nurse and have them call me.” You nodded dutifully, leaning forward for a hug. Ingrid gave you one, squeezing tight. “Just try your best for me. I know you can do it, yeah?” 

“Okay.” You didn’t think you could do it. In fact, you were almost sure you couldn’t, but disappointing your sister wasn’t an option, and surely she’d be disappointed if you didn’t hold up your end of the deal. 

“I love you. I’ll see you soon.” Ingrid said, kissing your forehead and giving your hand one last squeeze. 

“Love you too.” You watched your sister leave, feeling the lump in your throat grow as she headed out the door. You sat back down at your desk, fiddling with your pencil case instead of talking like your classmates were doing. 

Pausing in the door to look back at you, Ingrid had to force herself to continue to walk out of the room. You looked so small, sitting at your desk all by yourself. Too shy to talk to your classmates, having found yourself in a class with none of your friends this year. There was nothing Ingrid hated more than seeing you crying, and she’d have been lying if she said a few tears didn’t slip down her face on her walk back home. 

------

As it was, Ingrid hoped deeply that she wouldn’t get a call from the school. When she did, though, it wasn’t a call that she was expecting, aside from the fact that it was still hours until lunch time. 

 The nurse called your Mamma first. She didn’t answer, and then the nurse called your Pappa. He answered, quickly instructing the woman to call your Mamma again, and then Ingrid if she didn’t answer. He couldn’t come get you, he explained. He didn’t even ask to talk to you on the phone. Not even when he heard what happened. 

It was your worst nightmare come true. The horrible feeling had just grown and grown and grown. You just wanted to go home. That was all you kept thinking, repeating it over and over to yourself. 

Your teacher was going around the room, having each student introduce themselves and say a fun fact. You knew what to say. Your name, and then your fun fact, which was that your favorite color was green. Only, when the teacher called on you, and you opened your mouth, it wasn’t words that came out. 

Instead, you leaned over and threw up all over the ground. The class gasped around you, and a few of the boys began to laugh. You were mortified, sure you’d never been this embarrassed in your entire life. The teacher was trying to quiet the class back down, while walking over to you. Getting sick hadn’t made you feel better, either. You felt just as icky, and even more embarrassed. The assistant teacher led you out of the classroom, your gaze fixed intently on your feet as you were sure everyone was staring at you. 

You’d resigned yourself to silence once you arrived at the nurse’s office, only answering her questions with nods or shakes of your head. If you didn’t talk, you wouldn’t embarrass yourself further. All you could think about, as the nurse called your Mamma and talked to your Pappa, was that you hadn’t done as Ingrid asked, and waited until lunch to go to the nurse. You hoped she wouldn’t be too disappointed; you’d tried your best, it just hadn’t been good enough. 

Finally, your Mamma answered, telling the nurse that she couldn’t come get you either, but that your sister could. You breathed a sigh of relief at that, because you knew Ingrid would be the nicest of anyone, even if she was mad that you hadn't made it till lunch. 

Your sister practically ran the few blocks to the school as soon as she hung up with her mother, feeling absolutely horrible for you. She only felt worse when she made it to the school and walked into the front office, seeing you through the doorway, curled up in a chair in the nurse’s office. She couldn’t tell if you were ill or not, but you had a sickbag next to you, and you still looked very pale. Quickly, Ingrid signed you out, before she made her way over to where you were waiting for her. 

And though you were too old for it, the second you saw Ingrid you were launching yourself into her arms, wrapping all of your limbs tight around her body. 

“Oh, liten.” Ingrid sighed. She’d expected you to be upset when your Mamma had called to tell her what had happened, but her expectations didn’t prepare her for how completely broken you seemed. You sobbed quietly into her neck, holding on so tightly she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to get you to let her go.

“I think we might have a case of nerves on our hands. She doesn’t have a fever, or any other symptoms, and her teacher said she seemed very teary all morning until she was sick.”

At the reminder of what happened, you cried harder. Ingrid shushed you gently, her hand soothingly circling your back. The nurse continued, a sympathetic expression on her face. “I tried to explain to your mother, but as soon as I said I thought it was nerves, she didn’t seem to be very worried.” 

“And we should be worried?” Ingrid wondered, sounding much older and much more concerned than a 16 year old should sound. Exactly how worried the nurse had expected your mom to sound, though she’d been disappointed. 

The nurse nodded. “This is more nervous than an 8 year old should be for school. I think having your sister evaluated might be a good idea. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but anxiety can be hard for a child to deal with if they don’t have the tools to do so.” 

Ingrid agreed, internally, but knew it would be a challenge to get your Mamma on board with it. When it came to you, Mamma always seemed to be doubtful of the truth of any issue you might have. If it had been Ingrid, the older girl knew she’d have had the first available appointment with the best psychologist in town. But because it was you, and Mamma seemed to have so much less patience with you, Ingrid knew it would be a challenge to convince her there was a real issue here. 

“Ing?” You whispered, still attached firmly to your sister. She hummed in response, leaving a kiss on your temple. “I wanna go home.” 

“Let’s go home, Solstråle.” Ingrid agreed, moving as if to release you and stand up. You were having none of that, though, and Ingrid smiled despite herself, lifting your small body easily into her arms. You couldn’t bring yourself to care if your classmates saw you, if your teachers saw you, being carried by your sister out of the school building. 

Although school was only a few minutes walk away from home, you could feel the icky feeling coming back as you got closer and closer. Your Mamma was going to be so mad at you for not making it through the whole day, you just knew it. She was going to be mad, and yell, and Pappa was still going to be mad about when you spilled on him, and he was going to yell too, and home didn’t feel like the place you wanted to go anymore, though you’d been wishing for it all morning.

You knew it was going to happen again, this time trying to give your sister some warning. 

“Ingrid,” you whined, trying to breathe deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth, coming to a complete stop on the sidewalk only a block away from home. “Feel sick.” 

Your sister looked down at you in alarm, your face alarmingly pale as your lips pressed together tightly. 

As quickly as she could, Ingrid grabbed your shoulders and turned you towards the grass. 

You retched onto the ground, though there wasn’t much to come up other than bile that burned at your throat. You were crying again as Ingrid rubbed your back, handing you your water bottle when you were done. “Sorry.” You managed in between small sips, feeling guilty for probably embarrassing your sister by throwing up on the street. 

“Don’t say sorry.” Ingrd frowned. “Maybe you are sick, huh?” She brought her hand up to your forehead, not finding it any warmer than normal. You shrugged, not sure how to convey your fears. Ingrid seemed to pick up on your unease, though. “Are you still nervous?” 

You gave a small nod, slumping into your sister when she stood and pulled you in for a hug. 

“Why? We’re going home.” 

“Mamma and Pappa are going to be mad. About school and about spilling the water and for interrupting their meetings when the nurse called, and making you come get me and-” 

“Slow down, slow down.” Ingrid told you calmly, crouching down once again on the sidewalk, uncaring that several people had had to cross the street to avoid your traffic jam. “No one’s mad, Solstråle, you didn’t do anything wrong. Mamma’s coming home from the meeting early to check on you, she just wants to make sure you’re okay.” 

“She’s not mad?”

“No.” Ingrid promised. “We’re gonna go home, get comfy on the couch, watch a movie, and wait for Mamma. And then we’ll figure out how to make you feel better, okay?” 

You liked that. The ‘we’ Ingrid used. Sometimes it felt like you could do anything if she was with you. Privately, you hoped that you’d never have to do much without her. Ingrid was your very best friend, and best friends were supposed to stay together. 

She was with you when you walked home, did exactly as she promised and got all bundled up with you on the sofa and put on your favorite movie. She was with you when your Mamma came home, who fussed over you right away, only scolding you lightly for working yourself up so much that you were sick. 

It felt nice to be cared for by your Mamma, even if she seemed a little exasperated with you. Really, when was she not? After that comment, though, Ingrid decided to wait to talk to your parents until you were in bed. She was more sure than ever that getting you the help you needed would take a lot of convincing, and she didn't want you to have to hear her argue with your parents on your behalf. 

The raised voices coming from downstairs woke you, however, only a short time after you’d been put to bed. Intrigued, you’d followed the voices, freezing when you overheard your name. 

Sat on the top step of the stairs, you listened as Ingrid talked to your parents. Your head was swirling with contradicting and confusing emotions. On one hand, it felt good to hear Ingrid stand up for you. On the other, though, it felt like a punch to the gut everytime one of your parents said something that completely dismissed the issues you were having. 

“She is just nervous, Ingrid, don’t stress about it. All kids get like this, she’ll be alright.” Your mother sighed, annoyed with having to repeat herself; Ingrid just wouldn’t let up. 

“No Mamma. It is not normal! You didn’t see her last night when she came to me having a panic attack, and you didn’t see her today when I went to get her from school. She needs help, this isn’t fair on her. She shouldn’t have to struggle with this.” 

“Ingrid, there is nothing wrong with your sister. She just likes the attention.” Your father cut in, repeating something he’d heard his wife say over and over whenever you got into arguments with her, and ran off to him in tears. 

At the same time that tears began to well in your eyes, Ingrid snapped, her voice raising. “Quit saying that! It’s not true. She’s shy, she doesn’t like attention, and she certainly didn’t want the attention of her classmates while she was getting sick in front of them. Mamma, please. She needs help.” 

You could imagine your parents exchanging looks with each other, a silent conversation being had. 

“Alright. We’ll take her to see someone, if only so you stop stressing yourself out about this. I don’t want you to worry about your sister, Ingrid. She’s fine, we’ve got her. You need to focus on football.” 

Ingrid rolled her eyes. She’d never put football over you, never. It was her passion, her favorite thing, and while it messed with her social life and made things complicated, she would never let it tear her from you. Not when you needed her. 

“I will stop worrying when a doctor tells you that there is no problem.” 

“We’ll take her, Ingrid, I promise. Everything will be fine, your sister will be fine. If she needs help, we’ll get it for her.” 

You wondered if they were doing it for you, or if they were doing it for Ingrid. Like everything, like always, it was probably just for Ingrid. You were used to that; being less important than your sister. And as much as you wanted to be angry with your sister, you just couldn’t. Not when she was the only one who did things for you. 

Once, Ingrid had promised that she’d always be on your side. So, while you weren’t sure your parents would ever be on your side, or if they ever had been, you knew you could count on Ingrid. No matter where she went, no matter what you did, Ingrid would always have your back. She’d promised, after all. 

------

it's been a while! hope everyone hasn't minded the long wait, and enjoyed this sol installment 🫶🏻 she really is my favorite to write for.

[tell me if you see typos okay byeeee]

[nathank77]

8/12/24

10:45 a.m

Last night was the second night in a row where I had to double up on everything for sleeping pills.. it got to 12:35 a.m and I smoked weed cause I was fucking done and I did fall asleep...

I had one red bull in the morning, early, stopped caffeine consumption by 2 p.m. I didn't shower. I just watched TV and masterbated all day.

I mean I was stressed and am stressed about money but I dont understand. Do I have to go out every single day and sweat my ass off in the car just to fall asleep at night?

Tonight will be an all nighter assuming I can't sleep on the original dose of everything. I'll smoke weed only right before bed... then when the second dose would be coming assuming I don't fall asleep, I'll take everything except the xanax. I'll smoke more weed and if I'm not sleeping by 1 a.m I'm going to be a miserable sack of shit cause I'm going to keep myself awake until 8 p.m and then take the original dose and fall asleep... I'm not raising my tolerance. I'll take two nights of it but 3 nights are never going to be a thing.

I'm starting to think i have to leave the house or go in the attic everyday in order to sleep easily... it's fucking stupid bc I used to game all day everyday and only go shopping or run errands when I had to. Drink red Bulls, and eat whatever and fall asleep like a baby on my circadian rhythm. Then psychosis happened to me and everything changed.

Idk if it was the weed or the Xanax that finally knocked me out.

Tonight I'm 1000% smoking right before bed..... cause it does fucking help. At 12:35 a.m I had had the second doses all in me for a hour and I smoked weed I was gone in like 15 minutes.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have appointments and shit both days. Dentist and bloodwork tomorrow, t shot and grocery shopping Wednesday so in theory I'll fall asleep bc I will be outside sweating in my hot box of a fucking car.

I want to go out now, go to bjs and cvs, I want to do my bloodwork, just to try fall asleep easily... but I already showered bc I didn't Saturday or Sunday cause I wanted a relaxing very low ocd weekend.....

And I don't fucking want to sweat, my car is a fucking hot box with the window sealed shut and the air conditioner hardly working. I already have to be sealed in the hot box tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for new Hampshire....

I don't fucking want to sweat in the car just to almost ensure that I will fall asleep. I just want the weather to go to 40 degrees so my car isn't a torture chamber anymore and going out isn't horrible.

The weather is nice.... too bad my car will be 20 to 30 degrees hotter. It's fucking disgusting and makes me feel sick being sealed in without being able to open a window and then I step outside and it's 30 degrees cooler even on the 90 degree days!!!

There is a reason I've been being a homebody I'm sick of getting nasous sitting in my hot box. I just want the weather to go to 50-60 degrees the warmest so I can be comfortable again.

I can't afford an ac in my car. I can't afford a fucking motor in my windows. That's never happening, it's a luxury. So every summer I will melt and aviod going out more than once or twice a week.

Anyways I'm fucking pissed cause if my car wasn't a hot box I'd just run a few errands and I'm sure it would help me fall asleep easily tonight.

I'd rather not use weed but I mean I'd rather not have to pull an all nighter.

I'm not raising my tolerance. I refuse. If I don't sleep tonight, I'll sleep tomorrow it's whatever. If I don't sleep either nights I'll jump off a bridge.

I honestly just want to kill myself. I'm not allowed to drink red bull. Smoke weed. I'm not allowed to game. I'm not allowed to do anything if I want to sleep easily. Appearantly I have melt outside or in the attic and be fucking miserable and I can't have any enjoyment or relaxation.

I hate to say it but I'm a fucking homebody and I like relaxing and I don't want to fucking go out especially not in my fucking hot box.

So yea I'm anxious. I won't be raising my tolerance but if I can't sleep I guess I'm pulling an all nighter. And if I can't sleep the next night I'm committing suicide.

It's chill though I know my days are numbered and my quality of life will always be a zero. I can't even fix my ac in my car. I got to melt and I'm not getting a new bed. I can't even afford it on the new credit line, I'm too poor. Counting items in my house trying to control how much I buy and cutting things out.

I'm really done with being Alive. I obv have therapy twice today.... and that's stupid and then I won't have it any other days this week cause my life sucks and no one wants to work with me..

I'm sick of struggling to sleep. I'm sick of all of the things I enjoy being taken away from me bc the POS brain damaged mangled mess of neurons I have up in my brain isn't capable of sleeping easily if God forbid I enjoy a day with 1 red bull and I game or I watch TV.

Instead I must sweat in my hot box if I am to sleep.

I can't wait until it's black nothingness. This hallucination won't ever go away and life isn't worth living.

[valparzjournal]

One year since my panic attack

TW: weight loss/DE

In this blog, I'm going to talk about how much I have grown within the first year of mental health journey. On another post (soon), I will share what has helped me get stronger.

I really don't want to say yesterday was my 1st anniversary of my panic attack because I will always say that for every June 26th. To be honest, I was nervous yesterday like I didn't want to have any reason to drive and then I got nervous like "Am I going to be nervous to drive now that it's the season after my PA?" Because last year it was like that. But I'm glad that feeling is gone. I'm just seeing each day like I'm getting better like I was before. I have to remember that I'm doing a lot better than I was last year.

During my walk yesterday or this morning, I was thinking back to the days after the PA and how I was stuck in bed and just watching ASMR videos to help me calm down. Watching TED talks about anxiety. It was so hard for me to be in the kitchen and just grabbing from each section and turning around because I was very dizzy. I was hardly eating anything. I was reflecting how much I have grown from all of that.

My list of gratitude of my growth. I'm grateful for:

God never leaving my side

My dizziness going away

My friends and my family being really patient with me and being there for me

My friend, Phylicia, being there every step of the way with me.

I finally had the strength to take my vitamin D that has helped me a lot

I lost a lot of weight that helped with my blood work and self esteem

For my therapist that helped me through really tough and dark times. Never made me feel judged or crazy.

For my nutritionist for helping me get through my fear of food and helping me go step by step by introducing food back.

That I can eat more than I did before.

I can work out and I can jog longer every week.

I got a diagnosis about my hashimoto's so I can know how to take care of myself.

That I got up everyday to go to work even though it was hard most of the times. Looking back, if I stopped working (which was an idea after my pa bc any stress flared up my anxiety wave) I don't think I would've gotten better and strong like I am now.

I'm driving a lot more. My family lives 25 minutes (now that I moved further) and I would only go visit them when my husband wasn't here which was once a month. Now I visit them more often by myself. I drive to go pick up my grocery orders instead of them getting delivered *which was SUPER expensive*.

That I was strong enough for my husband to work as a truck driver. It was hard to be alone for a while. 3 weeks felt like 2 months without him. But if he was here, I wouldn't have gotten stronger either. I would have depended on him way too much. It was hard to be here alone but it was worth it.

I'm super grateful that I didn't travel with my husband for the summer as we planned. It's not that I didn't want to. *There is limited space in his truck for all of my food. It all has to be in the fridge and I can't eat food from convenient stores or truck stops. I didn't want to stress about that.* I was nervous about staying home all alone for two months but I did awesome. I started working out and challenged my work outs every week. I wouldn't have gotten practice to drive around as well if I didn't stay home.

I will talk to you soon <3

[tellthatbrokebitch]

can i be real a second, for just a millisecond, let down my guard and tell the people how i feel a second

i'm gonna do a personal ramble under a cut bc i just need to

so i'm going to a pt facility tomorrow. for anyone reading this who doesn't know, a year ago i injured my foot and due to a series of mistakes, miscalculations, and just generally unfortunate events, i haven't been able to walk since, and haven't been able to see a doctor to examine the problem, so i don't even exactly know what the problem IS. only in the last five or so months have i been able to talk with a doctor via video call, and eventually it's all culminated in finally being able to seek help for my issue

it's been a really rough fucking year, and i've tried to stay positive but it's difficult. i've also been trying not to talk too much about it, or vent too often on here, bc that's not why people follow me and i don't like putting that negativity out there. it's why i mostly talk about my writing, or my silly text posts posts, and the only time i really speak about my mental health is when it's really bad

this is a good thing. it's a great thing, bc even if i go into this facility and for some reason or other i can't walk again, at least i'll know, you know? it's been an entire year of not knowing, and being cooped up in my room, and not even being able to see half of my family, even though we live in the same fucking house. either way, tomorrow i get to see and hug my mom for the first time in a year, so at least i have that to look forward to

but i'm also really scared that the original injury i sustained never actually healed, and that this entire year has been for naught, or that i fucked something up because i'm a fucking idiot, or any number of things that have gone wrong or might go wrong in the future. i'm scared that i'm never gonna walk again, and i'm going to be a burden on my family indefinitely, and that i screwed everything up. i'm worried about my financials, bc i spent two years building my credit up and diligently making my payments, only for the last year to completely fuck it all up bc i'm not making any money and fuck the us credit system anyway, bc i was perfectly content before but you have to have a decent credit score to do anything in this fucking country, so now i'm like 2k in debt with no way to pay it off bc i had to use them to buy fucking food so i don't fucking starve

i'm getting heated lol anyway i'm also just really stressed bc i haven't left my room in roughly a year except to go across the hall to the bathroom, and now tomorrow i get to humiliate myself in front of strangers, and i have to leave my family and my dog and my cat and go to a strange place and sleep in a strange bed and i'm bringing my notebooks so i can write and my phone so i can post but it's not the same and my anxiety is already through the roof and i just know i'm going to spend so much time fucking crying bc i'm doing it right now just typing all of this

idk i'm just... idk don't read all of this okay i'm a fucking mess. i just needed to vent