#can't get back on my meds either cause this place wants to keep fucking me over

[exhausted-eternally]

I am so insanely close to quitting my job I am so tired of my schedule getting yanked around I am so tired of my time off requests being ignored I am so tired of the store manager's passive aggressive attitude toward me I AM SO TIRED OF THIS PLACE

[sggk]

Re: anti-depressants - I was in a situation where I knew I needed help and my options were either therapy alone or therapy in addition to anti-depressants. I didn't want the meds for the reasons you've listed and so I opted not take them and soldier on with therapy, and when that didn't work I dragged myself forward with no support. And honestly? I regret not taking the meds.

The therapy was useless because I wasn't stable enough to get anything out of it and whilst my situation was shit and inescapable at the time, I was incapable of doing anything that might have improved it or made it bearable because of my depression. I used to heavily day drink whilst job searching to Deal With Everything and now I look back and think. Surely the tablets were better than that. Even if I still had to take them now, surely it's better than how all of that made me feel.

But I did make it through to the other side in the end! I'm here and I did it all by myself, no support, no medication, i was just too damn stubborn to give up! But in hindsight I feel like I crawled up the face of a mountain with a broken leg when I could have used crutches and a path instead.

Did I gain anything by taking the long road? I don't know. What I do know is that I prolonged a painful situation and probably caused more harm to myself doing it that way. So. Same result, sure, but it was a fucking miserable journey.

Anyway, I understand that it's a difficult decision to make. I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't take them, but I really hope you're in a better place soon whichever path you choose. You have such a big sunny personality and whilst we've never spoken, I miss you on my dash. Take care. We're all rooting for you!

Hey! I’ve had this message in my inbox for the past year and a bit , honestly not even meaning to keep it unanswered intentionally but just because i remember i would read it over and think so much about it after i got it . Today is the first day since the whole situation began that i’m officially off my meds and i really hope you see it because i want to say thank you! I remember how agonizing and impossible the decision felt for every reason and this message was actually what made me decide to accept my doctor putting me on the antidepressants! I don’t know if you knew but somehow this was the exact argument i needed to hear and i’m really grateful and touched that you reached out at the time and extended this hand to me. Many people i’m sure wanted to give me a shake and were frustrated by my opposition to taking medication to help and were very relieved when i acquiesced so know you have a silent fan club out there somewhere! I’m so happy that you made it and so happy that i made it and you made a really big impact on me with this message, so thank you! ☀️💛🫶

[selectivechaos]

little vent

i can't even go to school without ending criying in fear because people are perceiving me, i can't stand all those eyes, and when i get home i just cry even more because i know i humiliate myself there

and making friends is so hard, and finding people is even more hard, and keeping friends is... even even more hard

i can't do this, i'm triying so hard... aah...

(don't feel forced to answer if you don't want to ofc!)

tw: school ⚠️⚠️

hey anon, i had a similar experience at school. it was so scary all the time.

schools are a haven for social anxiety especially because you’re being watched All The Time. 

am so sorry you’re going through this. but you can get through it. take care. 🌹🌹

sorry, this is going to be an obscenely long reply. you don’t have to read it all. i just need it out there. because the reason i started this blog to help people who went through what i did in school. back then, i wanted there to be some secret alliance of quiet and bullied kids. i wanted someone to show me how to survive those years, and i was counting the days. 

my social anxiety at school got so bad i couldn’t look up from the floor or desk ever. and yeah i cried a lot too. felt so vulnerable like no-one was safe to be around. didn’t want to be counted in things. every new ‘activity’ in lessons caused a spike in fear because it could be a group project or i could be asked to speak or read something out. 

tw: bulling ⚠️⚠️ (skip to ‘other ways to cope’.)

most people were cruel because of the culture of bullying, and any niceness just looked like either pity or a trick ( i can’t read people well, and there also was a lot of that psychological bullying - you know where they pretend to be nice and then laugh for no reason, just to make you feel like shit). 

had friends but lost them because isolated myself because social anxiety convinced me that they hated me because i couldn’t talk to them (those friends were nice; it was a cognitive distortion). 

being friendless at school is a survival game. and it is often traumatising. i want you to know that it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you’re bullied, it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you have no friends, it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you’re anxious or scared, it is not your fault. 

it may not be because you’re not trying enough; it might just be because of a shit school system which systematically traumatises the mentally ill and/or neurodivergent. 

i’d look into finding or asking for a quiet room you can go to when overwhelmed or anxious, or just to be alone knowing oif they won’t provide it (my school used to kick loners out of empty classrooms during lunch, because “they shouldn’t be there unsupervised” (when really they were just there because they would be bullied in the canteen). 

other than that i don’t have much advice. i didn’t cope in good ways. 

tw: therapy mention ⚠️⚠️

hid in the toilets and got traumatised by the fact i had to hide. many people refuse school (which is not something i advise. but fuck any place or people that makes you cry from fear). meds and therapy might help if they’re an option. 

🌹🌹🌹other ways to cope: 

headphones, especially ear defenders and / or ones that can blast music to distract you. 

when i was in school i had long long fringe, covered my peripheral vision, and that helped with fear of being perceived because otherwise i would constantly have to look around to see if anyone was looking or laughing at me. it’s kind of a ‘if you can’t see them, they can’t see you’ fallacy. 

grounding techniques. wish i’d known these. because i just dissociated out my head. 

please don’t hate yourself. i know that that is often impossible. had a therapist once who asked me “what are you scared they’ll see, when they look at you?” turns out the root of my fear was that they would see something weak, vulnerable, laughable, small; something to be humiliated and judged and hurt. (stemmed from childhood traumas including bullying). that therapist told me to ask myself: “what kind of person would judge you like that, would see you as worthless or funny or broken?” the answer is: only the cruelest, most insidious person in the world. you understand? when you have a small flame of self-worth, the judgement reflects badly on the judger, not you. 

what are Good things you would like people to see when they look at you. maybe you’re brave, or kind, or you have cool hair or nails. in school had punk hair that i got bullied for, but it was a source of pride. pride is an absolute good. there were times it actually made me Want to be seen.

calming grounding things that you can associate respectively with going to school and leaving school (i listened to the same song on the way out every day. i changed into my comfy hoodie, and it made me feel free and safe again. 

oh and when i left school for good, like finished my final year, i left them a “thank you” if you could call it that. it was actually a framed sheet of paper containing details of the bullying and how the teachers (general) ignored it. the note told them to do better. i hope that school is safer now. but the system needs to change. 

🌹🌹🌹

[mrsalwayswrite]

Too Late To Hold My Heart (Joe Liebgott x Reader)

Alright, i’m not 100% sure about this but here ya go. Just something that came to mind. Lemme know what y’all think! I usually shy away from writing angst...

Warnings: ANGST, a couple swear words, a tiny bit of fluff (I’m so sorry for all the feels)

 Words:2600

Tag List: @happyveday @sydney-m​ @saritanotserena

  Joe Liebgott reclined on the cushioned chair, open bottle of schnapps in hand. Watching. Unable to tear his gaze away. He should have been ecstatic. He should have been shouting from the rooftops, running around, causing mayhem like the others. Joining in the revelry surrounding him with abandon. Drinking from the cup of life handed to him and the other paratroopers. 

 The war in Europe was over. 

 VE Day. 

 Everyone was getting drunk off their asses in celebration. They had somehow survived and made it to the end. Alcohol flowed freely. Laughter and exclamations, the background of the town they were currently occupying. Luz and Christianson were loudly singing in the next room over, the radio drowned out by their voices. Even Martin was belly-laughing across the room, a bottle in hand. 

 Yet instead of getting drunk to celebrate, Joe was getting drunk to forget. 

 To forget you. 

 He could still remember how you felt in his hands, the way your sighs tasted on his lips. The hopes and dreams you confessed to him in the nights you shared a foxhole. How you whispered his name, the sound rolling off your lips. How you held him so tightly as he sobbed in your arms the night after Tipper got hit. Intoxicating memories that threatened to drown him now.

 The worst part. 

 He could see you across the room, laughing openly with your head tipped back and hand over your mouth, as if to contain the beguiling sound. In the glow of the surrounding lamps, you were a vision of true beauty and carefree joy. 

 The problem?

 Floyd Talbert's arm, possessively around your waist, pulling you closer into his side on the couch you both were sitting on. 

 Joe took another swig of the schnapps, grimacing at the taste. Those around him continued to talk and laugh, oblivious to his simmering anger. 

 He could still see it. Just a few hours ago as they got word of the Nazis' surrender, everyone had been cheering and running around like children set loose on a playground. Joe had hurried to find you, to see your smile, to embrace you. For so long you two had talked about this moment. The end of the war. 

 Instead, his feet stuck to the cobbled road, trapped as if in cement. Shock and anger colored his world in vibrant hues, the joy around him turning into dull grays. For there was Talbert running to you, scooping you up in his arms, swinging you around without a care in the word. And as he set you back on your feet, he kissed you as if you were the very air he needed. 

 Those who witnessed it either laughed or stared in shock. A couple wolf whistles sounded amongst the cheering. 

 But Joe felt like a white-hot dagger had been stuck into his chest, burning his heart. 

 For you had kissed Talbert back just as passionately. 

 So here he sat, surrounded by revelry, surrounded by his fellow paratroopers celebrating the war's end in Europe. Only that joy seemed to bypass him, leaving him to wallow in confusion and anger. 

 The way you breathed out his name as he kissed you, like he was the only thing keeping you tied down to this world. Your hands in his hair, holding him against you. Your soft skin in the moonlight. The quiet laughter as you stared into each other's eyes after. The teasing about not getting caught by the others… He could remember it all. 

 Now though, it was someone else who laid a kiss to your temple, making you giggle sweetly. Someone else who had their arm around you. Someone else who you were gazing up at like they put the stars in the sky. 

 It was supposed to be him. It was always supposed to be him. He planned on changing your last name to Liebgott. He had thought of your future together so many times. The only thing that kept him sane through the past several months. 

 Now this tasted like betrayal. 

 And he was not sure who he was furious with- himself or you. 

 Eventually, he watched you bid goodnight to those around you, giggling as your feet swayed slightly. You had always been a lightweight. A quick peck on the lips to Talbert; then you disappeared into the back and up the stairs where your room in the house was. 

 Without a second thought, Joe drained the rest of the bottle in his hand. Not even paying attention to the taste anymore. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, dropping the bottle on the ground.

 And he followed you. 

 *****

 You pulled the pins out of your hair, letting it down from the chignon it had been in. Bubbles danced in your belly, both from joy and from the champagne you had been sipping on. VE Day. A part of you never thought this day would ever come. Next, you took off your OD jacket, tossing it onto the bed next to you, leaving you standing there in your white undershirt and OD trousers and socks. 

 Wait?

 You giggled as you stared down at your sock-clad feet. You remembered wearing your boots earlier. At some point you must have taken them off. Well, you might remember throwing one at Luz. Hopefully Tab could help you find them in the morning. Or someone with the least severe hangover. You giggled again thinking of poor Gene who was going to be dealing with all these hungover paratroopers coming to him for pain meds. Maybe you should volunteer to help him. You did not drink that much to be affected in the morning. It was better for the company that you remained mostly sober. 

 The door to your solitary room opened behind you. Surprised, you turned around, ready to tease whoever came in. Was someone bringing up your boots?

 When Liebgott stepped through, the words froze on your tongue and all the joyful bubbles popped, leaving you feeling hollow and nauseous. 

 He stood just inside the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. His hair was messy, as if he ran his hand through it too many times. Eyes slightly glassy but obscured by the fire burning in them. "So, you and Tab, huh? How long has this been going on?"

 "Joe…I think you should leave." You turned back around and ran your fingers through your hair, preparing to braid your hair like you did every night. 

 "What? Was it before or after us, huh?" Even without looking at him, you could imagine the sneer on his face. His voice that at one time used to be so gentle and kind to you, now was harsh and grating. 

 "I don't wanna talk about it."

 In a couple steps, he was behind you, gripping your arm to whirl you around violently. "Answer the goddamn question, y/n!"

 "There was never an 'us'." You spat out, surprising yourself with the venom in your own voice. 

 He took a step back, eyes wide in shock. Then as what you said sunk in, the fire burning in his eyes turned into an inferno that threatened to burn you both in its wake. "What the fuck are you talking about? Of course, there was an us! We fucked in Mourmelon! We talked about our futures! About life together after the war!  Even in Albourne, there was always an us!"

 "And then you shut me out!" You yelled back at him. 

 Chest heaving, you covered your mouth with your hand for a moment, trying to force back the flood of pain and emotions clawing desperately to escape. When you continued speaking, you kept your eyes on his dog tags hanging over his shirt, your voice low as if confessing a sin. "We used to talk about everything. I thought that if we both survived this war, we might--" You stopped yourself from finishing that sentence. "It doesn't matter now. In Bastogne, you cut me off. You wouldn't talk to me. You ignored me. I got injured and needed you, but you weren't there. Even in Haguenau, it was like you never saw me. I was suddenly invisible to you. What was I supposed to think?"

 His eyes were wide, mouth open slightly, as if now recognizing the effects of his actions. He licked his lips, then reached his hand out like he meant to cup your cheek but thought better of it and dropped it back to his side. "I... I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I made you cry and that-- SHIT! I'm not a good man. I'm a selfish asshole. I just… I wanted to be better for you."

 "Joe, don't-" 

 "No, damn it." He interrupted you, grabbing a fistful of your loose hair and tipping your head up, forcing your eyes to meet his. "I didn't want blood on my hands the next time I touched you, held you, kissed you. I needed to be a good man for you. What you fucking deserve. But I couldn't do it. Not there. I just thought...after. When the war was over. We could try again."

 "Why didn't you tell me?"

 "Did I mention I'm a selfish asshole yet?"

 You chuckled, placing your hands on his chest. His rapid heartbeat under your fingers matched your own. His fist loosened in your hair, fingers running through it like he knew you loved. A subtle sigh escaped your lips without permission at the gentle touch. How long had it been since he touched you like this?

 "Please, y/n, please." He begged, voice cracking at the end. "Give me another chance." 

 You shook your head, dropping your gaze. "You had it, but you pushed me away when I needed you. I can't...I can't go through that again. It hurt too much."

 "Was there ever really a chance? For us?"

 "Joe… I… I can't…" Tears flooded your eyes; you desperately fought to keep them from falling. 

 So slowly, he ran his hand through your hair one last time then took a half step back. "And Tab?"

 "He has always been a friend, even in Toccoa. He looked out for me. And in Bastogne, he was there for me. We took care of each other, especially after I got injured but couldn't leave the line. He helped me pick up the pieces of myself after. It wasn't supposed to happen. We were only supposed to be friends. But...things changed."

 He nodded, then rubbed the back of his neck while looking out the window. He tugged his lower lip into his mouth for a second, before staring at you once again. "Can I kiss you? One last time?"

 "No. That would only hurt us both."

 "Yeah...well if it means anything… I'm sorry. For everything."

 "Me too." You covered your mouth with your hand, physically suppressing the sob that felt lodged in your throat. Peeking through your watery eyes, you could just make out the tears in his own as he stared at you longingly. 

 You two stood there gazing at one another, a million unspoken words laying on the ground between your feet. Words you both wished you had said in the past, but it was too late now. Too late to pick them up, dust them off and share them. Like your hearts. Hopes, dreams and desires that pulled on you two, keeping you together. Those strings were cut. Severed by the hatchet of insecurity, war and pain. It was too late to try and save those strings. 

 It was all months too late. 

 How you wished it was different. 

 "Everything alright here?" Talbert asked, standing in the doorway. His gaze jumped rapidly between you and Liebgott, still standing only a step apart. His jacket was unbuttoned, pieces of hair sticking up haphazardly like someone tried to give him a noogie. 

 "Yeah, yeah." You met Tab's eyes, taking another step back from Liebgott. Quickly, you wiped your eyes with the heel of your hand. "Just talking about home. Hopefully we can see it soon."

 "Oh yeah, I forgot you both are from San Francisco. Small world, huh?" He smiled, leaning against the doorframe. 

 "Small world. Well, I should probably get to sleep. Good night, Joe." 

 "Yeah." Liebgott stared at you like he was burning your image into his mind permanently; you could feel his eyes caressing your cheeks and lips. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked out with a quick, 'see ya, Tab' over his shoulder.

 Pushing off the doorframe, Talbert approached you. He scanned you like he was looking for an injury, then gently pulled you into his warm embrace. He kissed the top of your head once you burrowed into his arms. "Hey, you alright, baby?"

 "I'm fine. I promise. I just...I'm ready to go back. To go home, you know?"

 "I know. I am too. But don't get too comfortable in California. You're gonna come live with me in Kokomo."

 You giggled, tipping your face up to look at his smug expression. "Oh, I am? What if I want you to stay in Cali with me? You did say you've always wanted to live near the ocean."

 "I did, didn't I?"

 "Mmm...we could get a little house near the bay. Not too close to my parents though. My sister will probably fight me to try and snatch you up."

 "Well, that would be the first time I've had sisters fight over me before."

 You swatted his chest but he only laughed, pulling you against him again. 

 "You don't have to worry about your sister. I've only got eyes for you. Been that way for a while." He lightly kissed your lips, a tease of affection. "Alright, you've made a valid argument for California. I think I might be persuaded to change my mind."

 "Good. As a reward, we can get a dog. Maybe call him Trigger?"

 He smiled brilliantly, "Have I mentioned how much I love you, baby." He tucked your head under his. The feeling of being fully surrounded by his comforting embrace, released the tension you carried. His hand skimmed up and down your back as you just held one another. No matter the circumstances, you had always been able to find a semblance of peace while in his arms. 

 With Liebgott, your affections for him had felt like a shooting star. You could not help but get caught up by him, struck by the power and beauty, wishing for it to always continue on. Now though, you knew. Shooting stars never last forever. They eventually have to come down.

 While with Talbert, he was your lighthouse. In your darkest moments when you did not think you could continue, he whispered words of comfort in your ear, held your bloodied hand in his. He drew you out of the quagmire of darkness, guiding you, encouraging you to keep going. Something he did every day, even now. With a soft smile, a gentle touch, he reminded you that you were not alone. From day one in Toccoa, he had stood in your corner. He was safety and stability amongst chaos. You fully trusted him, with more than just your heart. 

 You happened to turn your head, peeking towards the doorway. Only to see Joe staring at you, looking like he had been gutted. You met his gaze while in the arms of the man you loved and trusted. He must have lingered or came back. It did not matter though. He had heard. The idea of a place by the bay, a family dog...those were things you two had talked about before. Now they were dreams you shared with another. 

 After a long moment, he tucked his hands in his pockets and turned away, disappearing from view. You turned your face back into Tab's chest, heart fraying at the seams. 

 How was it possible for love to be the best and worst thing you had ever experienced?

[one-abuse-survivor]

last night it hit me that my life is meaningless, that it's not worth anything to me and there is barely anything keeping me going, my family not my biological family cause fuck them is the biggest one but my interests is another.

my found family, they mean everything to me, they are the reason I haven't died yet cause without them I would have killed myself a long time ago. they listen to me, help me.... they love me. I am constantly making suicide or random death jokes and I can tell they're very concerned about me, but I can't help it, joking about it is better than going through with it right?

last night, I realized that I really want to die yet I don't think on it often cause I try to keep myself distracted at all times.

daydreaming, reading, writing, watching videos, talking to my found family, listening to music, scrolling on social media...

anything that could possibly distract me from the fact I want to die, even self-harming cause it's better than leaving my family and making them sad no matter how much I want to. I mean, I don't want to leave them, but life is so painful and worthless that I don't know if I can stay here either.

everyday is the same

wake up, get on computer for a while, eat, stay on computer, run around the hall for a bit, get back on computer, eat again, pace some more, get back on computer, get ready for bed, get on computer, get back up to put computer away, go to bed, repeat.

only time this is truly messed up is when I have to leave the house. sometimes I'll add video games or watching anime to my daily routine, but not every day.

I do want to try going outside more often, but I don't see a point in it anymore. why go outside when my life is meaningless and it's easier to stay distracted while indoors?

and yeah, I never get to see my friends but that's cause we live in different countries so we always are talking with each other online.

damnit, why didn't my psychiatrist ask how long I'd felt this way instead of assuming I'm this way cause I have no friends I said irl friends but ok and never go outside?

I probably need to go on meds, or even to a mental hospital, I don't really know but I can tell my mental health is pretty bad right now.

luckily I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, hopefully that will help me even if just a little bit.

Anon, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being suicidal is incredibly scary, and so complicated to navigate and overcome. I want you to know I'm really proud of you for admitting to yourself that you're struggling and in a really bad place right now, because admitting it is the first step toward making sure you're safe, and it's not always easy to take even that first step.

I really hope your appointment with your therapist helped. I can't offer much help beyond sending you my support and letting you know my inbox is always open for you, but I hope you know you're not alone, and it is possible to stop feeling this way. Life doesn't always have to feel as meaningless as it does right now, and it's okay if all you can do today to get to that point is to continue to distract yourself and relieve your emotions/pain in ways that prevent them from piling up. You're right: self-harm might not be a healthy coping mechanism, and it is dangerous and should be avoided whenever possible, but it is better than not surviving the day. Same with suicide jokes. Coping mechanisms can be unhealthy, detrimental and dangerous, and still better than not surviving when you're at a point where you fear for your life. Please, be kind to yourself for needing to cope in these ways.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[messengerhermes]

A BigAss, Nongendered Period Pain Management Post

Hey, uh, if you're someone who gets periods, and have found either post COVID or post-vaccination that your uterus is raging like it never raged before, I wanted to offer some tips for shit that's helped me, as someone whose uterus has attempted to secede from my body's union for twenty goddamn years now. I recognize we are two years into the pandemic, so this post comes a bit late, but with Omicron sweeping through and vaccinations still rolling out. Anyway, in no particular order, here are some tips if you find yourself attacked by monster cramps, soaking through towels, achey all over, and unable to fucking eat:

if you're getting those sudden "ow goddamn, did I swallow a knife" wave of cramps that last several minutes, try dropping to a crouch and sitting with your head between your knees while breathing as deeply as you can. I've found this helps with the nausea and dizziness these cramps bring.

Belly breathing can help make cramps pass a little faster if they're the kind that come in waves. Check if you're belly breathing by placing one hand on your chest and the other on your tummy, when you inhale, you want your belly to rise and your chest to stay still.

If you use menstrual cups and find you keep springing leaks, cramps may be causing you to clench hard enough to break your seal. Adding a liner to your underwear, using that middle school trick of keeping a sweatshirt handy if you do spring a leak and get your clothes bloody, dumping out your cup more often, or sizing up your menstrual cup if you have the financial ability to can all help reduce leaks.

If you're springing leaks at night when you weren't before, consider combining menstrual products (ie wear a menstrual cup and a pad, or a tampon and a pad) and sizing up whatever you're using (if you don't normally use a maxi size pad, go up a level, same thing with your tampon, use a larger menstrual cup). If you have a dark sheet set, stick to that set, and if you don't have a waterproof mattress pad on your mattress, consider layering a towel or an old, thick blanket between your mattress and fitted sheet as extra security against leaks.

If you can't get comfortable lying down, try rolling up a towel/sweatshirt or taking a small pillow and putting it under your lower back/hips to keep them a little raised, it can help with pressure.

Staggering doses of different pain meds can help keep you covered without risking long-term harm from taking too many (as someone who used to take like 6-7 advil at a time to be able to walk around at all...I don't recommend that). In other words, if you're taking an NSAID like Aleve and it says "Take one pill every 6 hours" but the pain starts rising again by hour 4, at hour 4, take a dose of Ibuprofen to get you through that gap, and repeat as necessary. I'll be honest, pain meds don't erase the headaches/cramps I get, they just allow me to move without groaning like a centuries-old iron gate.

If weed/cannabis/what have you is something you're comfortable with and have access to, might I suggest: get fucking stoned. Your choice on if you want to be off the planet or a few feet off the ground, but it can help with cramps, body pains, and nausea.

If you're having sharp, localized pains in your bits (including your butthole because butthole cramps come straight from hell), consider a topical CBD oil or weed lube that's safe for mucus membranes to help keep those muscles from cramping.

If you're comfortable touching your junk massage can help with cramps that are localized to that area. (so can jerking off, or sex that involves slow, deliberate fingering that's working in a lot of firm circular motions if you're into these activities and not off-put by menstrual blood). You can use slow circular motions either inside yourself, or pressing in that hollow/soft spot way up your inner thigh where your leg meets your crotch to work out tension.

Heat is your friend. Hot water bottles, heating pads, those disposable hand and body warmers you find in winter, a sock filled up with dried beans/rice and microwaved, a particularly cuddly small pet, another human with warm hands and a willingness to snuggle, all of these are options to consider. I like to sandwich myself with one heat source at my lower back, and the other on my lower belly.

A warm bath with Epsom salts can help with muscle aches and tension that works into your body from cramps.

I know stretching is the last thing you want to do with cramps, but stretching can help. Specifically exercises that open up your hips and stretch out your lower back. One of the simplest ones I've found to help is the dead bug pose where you lie on your back with your feet up in the air and knees bent and hold on to your toes/the arches of your feet. Another hip opener that works for me is one where I get on the floor on my elbows and knees and slide my knees out away from my body as far as I can comfortably go, attempting essentially to push my hips to the floor.

If the world has kept this knowledge from you, hydrogen peroxide gets blood of of fabric like magic. Try to get to the stain as soon as you can. Pour hydrogen peroxide on the fabric and massage it in (you may need to do this a few times), then rinse with cold water. It will dramatically reduce the intensity of the stain.

Eat smaller, more frequent meals if you find yourself really nauseous, and consider eating vegetarian meals if you're like me and meat and eggs make you queasy on your period. Try to get in dark leafy greens and legumes to get more iron into your body, coconut water and bananas can help with cramps because of their potassium and magnesium levels.

Try to keep foods handy that don't require a lot of prep or heating in case you're feeling like hot trash and don't have anyone around to make something for you. I have had periods where I have schlumped around my home with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, chocolate chips, and a bag of arugula and baby spinach so I could graze

If solid food is fucking hard, try protein shakes/whey powder mixed into water or your milk of choice. This can make sure you're getting something of substance into your system. If you're up for using a blender, toss some frozen/fresh fruit and yogurt in there, some spinach even, bam, smoothie time, meal complete.

Buy a cheap TENs unit for muscle cramps. Please don't buy the $100 Especially for period ones, I promise you the $30 one is the same thing.

If your period is shifting or you want to track symptoms you haven't had before to see how long they last, try a website or a tracker app. I use MonthlyInfo.com, it's ancient, simple and offers a spot for me to write notes on any date about how I'm feeling. It also has a little line graph that tracks my average cycle length.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[skzluvs]

Strawberry Cheesecake 🍰; Han Jisung

Genre: Fluff!

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 2.3K

A/N: Reuploading this one cause it had too many mistakes!

She tasted the saltiness of the caramel Frappuccino she ordered next to her a strawberry cake her ultimate favorite.

"So tell me Y/N how's school" Chan asked with a smile while he sipped his iced americano.

You where sitting at table in a vintage local coffee shop surrounded by aesthetically pleasing neon signs and flowers.

"You know being a college freshman is way harder than I thought" You sighed looking at him. Discomfort written all over your face.

“I know that face you make when something is troubling you, what it is exactly? I truly doubt is school related" He spoke softly.

" I swore I wasn't going to fall for him Chan, then tell me why I can't take him off my mind" You almost banged your head on the table as a sign of frustration.

You just couldn't understand why he made you feel that particular way and why exactly had to be him the one who everyone wanted the one you absolutely just couldn't have.

“He just has that effect on people Y/N"- Chan laughed showing his cute dimples.

" He truly does but that's not the point Chan you are supposed to be my friend and tell me to stay away from him before I fall in deeper"

Chan knew him they're weren't exactly close but they both shared American literature and that means they have talked here and then. Also they share a lot of things in common for example they were majoring on the same career.

" I can't do that sweetheart because indeed I'm your friend and if you like him I guess I support it"- He raised his shoulders innocently.

" Christopher Bang Chan! I never said I liked him to begin with and second of all you are such a bad friend this is why Woojin will always be my favorite"- You replied to him with annoyance raising your voice a little. Causing some customers to look at you.

Yes, you had the guy on your mind 24/7 but you just couldn't afford to like him. It was not safe, there were a million reasons why you couldn’t fall on that trap and mainly because you didn't wanted to become another one of the so called “fans” he has too many of those already.

" I feel disrespected but let me remind you woojin is still mad at you because you ate his precious chicken" He snapped back.

"What part of I was drunk both of you don't understand I was about to passed out and that chicken was the only thing that was on the fridge it was totally not my fault in fact you guys should do the groceries more often just saying" you responded with a sassy tone.

You were too busy fighting with Chan to noticed that a group of guys entered the coffee shop. And in that small crowd of young boys the protagonist of your chaotic nonexistent love life.

" Y/N I think we are missing the point here" He said trying to go back to the initial conversation.

" And that is..." You said waiting impatiently for him to answer.

" To admit that you do like him" a grin spread across his face.

You wanted to beat him so hard for being such a cheeky bastard.

"Fuck you Christopher I'm just going to pretend I didn't heard you assume my feelings like that" You scoffed in disbelief.

" What are you so afraid of though" he questioned raising an eyebrow at you.

" I already told you. First of all he's never going to like me back we only talked like twice and that's only because my clumsy ass bumped into him in the library"

" Don't you guys share a clase together" Chan asked while taking a sip of his coffee.

" Yes economics, but you know Mr. popular sits in the back surrounded by girls who are staring at him all day admiring his beauty while on the contrary I have to sit on the front so I can actually listen to Wilson talk about Adam Smith and his invisible hand of capitalism for an hour straight"

" Sounds like fun" he repeated mocking you.

" Today you are acting like a real asshole and I'm questioning why I'm still friends with you"- You said sending him a dead stare.

"I guess someone not in the mood for jokes" He said grinning.

"I'm just stressed out okay!"- You growled.

" Well I'm just going to say, you can keep denying it all you want I know you better than anyone else and unfortunately I can tell you are already in love with the poor man"

Mental note never talk about your love life with Christopher Bang because he has no fucking clue about anything else but music.

" When did you gotten so wise ? clearly never because all you are saying is nothing but bullshit" You crossed my arms in denial.

" Whatever you say Y/N. Why haven't you eaten your strawberry cake yet this matter must be really affecting you today because you tend to devore that thing in seconds"

The straberry cheesecake was just there sitting lonely on the table dripping the red syrup while the big chunk of straberry on top was slowly melting. You stared at it lost on your own thoughts.

There are too many reason why is even risky to think You were to like him but You couldn’t help to suppress a smile when You thought about him laughing or just walking confidently along with his friends through the hallways. You felt like a high schooler all over again having this secret crush on someone who can be seen as unreachable.

To you he was a like a shinning star in a sky, someone I wished upon up every night knowing that even with my extended hands I was never going to be able to touch because he felt too high for a simple mortal like yourself.

" HEY BANG CHAN"- a voice called for my best friend who rapidly turn his head looking for the owner.

You stayed there frozen In your place you could recognize that voice anywhere Seo Changbin one of the richest and most admired guys in school and of course for my misfortune his best friend.

“Hey Seo how you been?"  He asked while greeting the boy with a typical handshake.

There was no surprised that Changbin was talking to Chan they're both Music Majors, talented creative, self producers who were extremely passionate about their career unlike you who selected probably the most boring and time consuming career it could possible exist.

That's correct You were a Med student. Exciting knowing You’ll probably die before I get the chance to graduate.

"I've been well but actually I wanted to talk to you about a song I've been working on, do you maybe want to help me with some tracks ?” He asked directly and I could've sworn I heard Chris gasp.

" Of course mate I would love to" He replied with that beautiful smile showing off his dimples once again.

" I'm actually not that busy right now do you mind if we go to my place and work on it I barely started the beat" Changbin suggested.

" I don't mind I'm not busy either" Chan said immediately.

" Then let's go! can't wait for you to hear it" Changbin said turning around quickly.

You turned to face him for the first time since he got here, they were just talking comfortably as they pretended You wasn't even there but honestly You didn't mind at all, that's what happens when people with similar interests get together also nor You wanted to interrupt their personal conversation.

" I'm leaving Baby! I'll see you tomorrow I'm sorry we couldn't finish talking about you know what but I'll treat you to dinner next time"- Channie said while taking his jacket from the chair and standing up to follow Changbin.

" Don't worry about me, have fun with your new friend" You gave him a smile before he disappeared through the crystal doors of the coffee shop.

And then you came back to your thoughts while you kept on staring at my favorite dessert that didn't look as appetizing as before when you purchased it about 30 minutes ago.

As you was having this mental battle of trying to figure out my feeling for the dark haired boy you didn't even noticed that someone approached your table and stand there looking directly at you.

" Y/N" A sweet voice called out your name taking me out of your trance.

"Huh"- You said looking up confused.

That the minute your heart stopped for a couple of seconds and suddenly You forgot how to properly breathe. The most beautiful man was standing right there next to you with his hands on his pockets and his beautiful brown hair styled to the side. He was wearing sweatpants and a red hoodie but he still looked like a model.

"Can I sit here or are you waiting for someone" He asked offering that smile you always end up falling for.

Was he actually talking to you? You questioned mentally. You don't even know each other like that You wonder how is it possible that he even knows your name maybe he has a good memory and remembers you as the girl who tripped with the books on him on the library.

“God why did my mom had to made me uncoordinated” you said unaudible feeling your ears burn in embarrassment.

Your hands were sweating and You couldn't get the words out of your mouth you was suffocating on them.

" You can sit" you said rushing your words as you could spitted fire. If Chan ever needed a back up rapper you think you could do the job.

He proceeded to pull the chair in front of you and plopped himself on it while putting his elbows on the table and resting his cheeks on his hand his eyes looking directly at me. You instantly broke the eye contact and focused your gaze on that strawberry cheesecake again.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes were neither of you made a sound until he decided to end it.

" Y/N i need to ask you something" His sweet voice sounded a little preoccupied.

" What is it" It was so hard for you to pretend to play it cool in front of him. The one who haunted you even on your own sleep a place where you thought it was safe. But not anymore.

"I know we haven't talked much but I found you really interesting" He scratched the back of his head nervously. "what I'm trying to say is that I would really like to get to know you I mean if that's okay with you of course" He said so fast no wonder why he's actually a rapper.

The red of your cheeks were just as the color of the strawberry syrup from that cake. How was you supposed to answer that while not long ago you was rejecting any possibility of liking him.

" I know this question might sound stupid to you but why me? You know there's absolutely no one in this one who hasn't fallen for you yet" I questioned still unable to believe on his words.

" Oh I know there's one, You are the only one who hasn't" He said obviously.

" So you are saying you find me challenging because I can resist to your charming face " you raised an eyebrow starting to feel offended you clearly wasn't going to be a game to him.

" Not quite I'm saying you are different and I like that maybe you don't realize it but even if the whole world liked me I would still only look at you, I mean I have been since you came in late the first day to Wilson's trying to fix yourself because you looked like you ran a marathon to get there" His laugh overflowed the whole room.

"Excuse me but my alarm didn't worked that morning and I didn't even got to eat breakfast so yes I ran my way all over there sorry I didn't looked presentable to your eyes but some people don't want to be late on their first day" You snapped back messing with him a little.

It was comfortable being with him like this right now. Something told me you was going to cherish this moment forever.

"I never said you looked bad in that moment I thought wow that messy girl is the prettiest one I've ever seen" A smirk spreading across his face.

"Are you just trying to cover up the fact that you literally just roasted me" You said laughing.

" Hey I didn't!” He said puffing outhis cheeks and You must admit he looks adorable every time he does that.

“By the way I was also meaning to ask is strawberry cheesecake your favorite as well?” He asked looking at the almost melted dessert.

" Yes it is. I have tried many variations but I always come back to this old friend, trust me I can eat strawberry cheesecakes for life I just haven't eaten this one because I was too distracted"

"Mine too! I love all kinds of cheesecakes to be honest with you, but no other flavor can surpass the deliciousness of the strawberry one. I must say it's my favorite because in some way it reminds me of you"

"How so" You asked curiously trying to hide the blush on your cheeks.

" It's really sweet but not to the point my teeth would hurt and the juicy texture of the strawberry just melts with the cheese and the cookie crust that's kinda how you are Sweet enough for me to like you with a twist personality that makes it even more fun"

You grabbed the fork and cut a piece of the cake while You shoved it on his mouth.

"Just be quiet for a moment you are being cheesier than the cheesecake" You said pointing at the plate while laughing at his sudden confession.

“Mmm this is delicious” He said savoring the taste on his lips. Liking them slowly in a teasing way.

“By the way, just for the record I was the one who purposely bumped into you at the library I'm sorry I had to grabbed your attention somehow" He winked at you with a smirk.

"JISUNG" You yelled at him.

You both talked about many things that afternoon but one thing you would never be able to forget is how his lips also tasted sweet like that strawberry cheesecake you shared.

[caranfindel]

Fic: ‘Til the sandman he comes

(Episode coda for “The Born-Again Identity”)

Just watched 7.17, “The Born Again Identity,” on TNT (thank you telecommuting!) and it inspired me to post my coda. Cause we all need new things to read right now, even if they’re actually six years old, right?

Also, why is Sam so hot when he’s completely fucked up?

Takes place immediately after 7.17...

===

Sam starts to fall asleep fifteen minutes outside of crazytown. He doesn't get very far. Every time his body relaxes and starts to slump over, he wakes with a jerk and a whimper as his injured ribs remind him he left the hospital without any pain meds.

Finally Dean pulls into a parking lot. "You should lay down in the back," he says. Sam's just asleep enough to not answer, but he's not going to stay that way as long as he's sitting upright. Dean touches his shoulder. "Sam? You wanna move to the back?" Sam's eyes snap open and he flinches away from Dean's touch.

Huh.

"Sam? You okay?" Sam's looking at Dean, kind of wary and appraising, and crap, Dean knows that look. He knows exactly what Sam is trying to figure out.

"Are you still seeing him?"

"No, no," Sam says quickly. A little too quickly. "It's just you."

"It is just me, Sam. No one else. Not a hallucination. Just me."

"I know," says Sam. "It's just... it's hard, you know?" He runs a tired hand down a scruffy face. "Hard to trust what I'm seeing. I mean, in the past couple of days I saw my doctor turn into Lucifer. I saw a demon nurse. I ate maggots and I killed a ghost and I saw Lucifer turn into Cas and I just have a hard time knowing what's real right now, you know?"

"Wait a minute," says Dean. "You ate maggots? You killed a ghost?"

Sam sighs his you're getting distracted by something shiny, Dean sigh. "I assume the maggots were a hallucination." (Dean accepts that assumption. Otherwise, he'd have to turn back and go burn the fucking place down just on principle.) "But the ghost; that feels different. There was a girl there who had a bracelet with her brother's blood on it, and he was haunting her, and I killed it. I mean, I had glass in my hair, from the lights breaking, so it's gotta be real, right? But how could that have really happened?"

[[MORE]]

Something clicks into place for Dean. "You know, that one could be real. The doc said he'd like to keep you under observation for another day or two, except there were inappropriate behaviors and safety issues and other patients involved and he felt like a different environment would be better for you," he says, making air quotes when needed, because, come on. Doctor speak. "I thought he meant you were getting laid, but I guess you were hunting."

"You thought I was getting laid? In a mental hospital?"

No, not really. All he really thought at the time was thank God you're not putting up a fight, because I'm getting my brother the fuck out of your hospital, even if I have to shoot you and everyone else between me and the door.

"Doesn't matter. The point is, I'm me, I'm real, you haven't slept in a week, and you should move to the back seat."

Sam bites his lip, still looking at Dean like he's not quite sure what he is. Christ. He looks like hell, he's lost weight, he's injured, he hasn't slept, and he won't let Dean take care of him, and this is just a little too much. "Dammit, Sam!" he almost shouts, and Sam jumps and flicks those bruised eyes at him before quickly looking away and fuck, this is just not going very well.

"Look," Dean says patiently, "If you were going to hallucinate a version of me, wouldn't you make him a nice one? Not someone who's gonna yell at you? And even if I am a hallucination - which I'm not - but even if I am, what's the difference whether you're in the front or the back seat?"

Sam laughs a little bit. "I've hallucinated you before, and you were kind of a dick. That's why I thought it was the real you."

"Okay, first, screw you. And second, if I'm not really me, how do I know what the doctor said about your inappropriate behavior?

"Dean," Sam sighs wearily. "If I made you up, you know everything I know." But he opens the door, rolls his jacket into a pillow, and carefully lowers himself into the back seat.

Dean adjusts his rearview mirror so he can see Sam's face. He can't see much out his rear window like this, but the very short list of Things Dean Can Give A Shit About Right Now doesn't include anything that's not inside the Impala anyway. He pulls back onto the road, glancing at Sam's furrowed brow, and realizes he doesn't know where he's going. Instinct pulls him northwest, to South Dakota, but there's nothing there anymore. He feels as lost as he's ever been, and he wants Bobby back. He wants Cas back. He wants his goddamn brother back.

Fuck, Cas. I thought you fixed him. I thought he was going to be okay.

"I know, in my head, it's really you," Sam mumbles from the back. Dean glances at him in the mirror. His face has started to relax a little bit, but that's probably due more to exhaustion than any kind of relief. "But the rest of me hasn't caught up. I'm on edge and I'm still kind of freaked out and I'm having this fight-or-flight response, and I'm sorry." He sighs, and winces as he tries to get comfortable. "None of it's your fault."

"None of it's your fault either," Dean points out. "You doing okay back there?"

"I'm good," Sam says, his knees securely wedged against the front seat. "You know, I used to like this, when I was little."

"What, sleeping in the car?"

"Yeah," he says softly. "Driving around, listening to you and Dad talk. I couldn't make out the words, but your voices just made me feel comfortable. Or Dad would sing along with the music. I always liked that."

"Dad's bad singing made you comfortable? That's messed up, man."

"Not the singing. The fact that he was singing. It meant we were all okay. He wouldn't sing if we weren't all okay."

Fake it until you make it, the man said.

"Well, if a little bad karaoke makes you feel better, I can provide." Dean slides a Metallica tape into the stereo and begins to sing. "Say your prayers little one, don't forget my son, to include everyone..." Looking back again, he sees Sam smile. "Oh, come on, Sammy," he laughs. "It's not that bad."

"No, it's not bad at all," says Sam. "It's just. I don't know the words to that song. I've never understood what he was singing." And, well, if Dean knows something Sam doesn't know, he must really be Dean, right? Apparently Sam comes to the same conclusion. He closes his eyes and his face relaxes completely.

"Listen and learn, little brother," Dean grins. And now he doesn't need to know where he's going. He just drives, and sings more songs only Dean knows, and Sam finally sleeps.

[xhold-on-tightstay-stongx]

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

[starswelike]

Hot beginning (The Heart - Marvel fanfiction)

This is the first chapter of the Marvel fanfiction titled The Heart

Pairing: Loki x OC

Warning: strong language

In this Story you can except:

massive character developement

an OC, who's secretly Not an OC

a hate to love relationship, and love át first sight

Loki becoming stronger

Lots of fun and sassy remarks

Warning again: I have to admit English is not my first language, but I try to learn it. I think writing is a good way to do it, because I love books and stories, and of course, fanfictions. 🙂

So I really hope if you give my story a chance, you won't regret it (and that I can write understandable 😅)

Well, enjoy the Story! ❤️

Chapter - Hot beginning

The armored troop-carrying SUV seemed to be moving at its greatest calm. Thanks to its serious equipment, the passengers could not feel it when the vehicle drove into a pothole, so starkly, keeping its speed, it broke towards their destination. The prestigious vehicle was perfectly suited for the transport of armed troops.

The nine people the monstrous SUV was carrying did not detect at all the wild pace dictated by their driver, middle-aged Dylan Johnson. The man was not a model of patience, it also appeared in his driving style: if he could not get around something on congested inner-city roads, he pushed it down with noble simplicity.

“Next time let's take a helicopter, it'll be faster." He had a slight annoyance between his teeth, though he could not deny that he enjoyed deep down that he was the greatest and that no one could stand in his way. Rather, the reason for his nervousness was that he was afraid of that, another unit was ahead of them. Dylan always wanted to be the first one who arrives to the crime scene, thanks to his competitive personality.

“Just take us there, Johnson. There will be plenty of other reasons for headaches." replied the small team's chief, Commander Miya Okamura, in a harsh tone. Her ominous words were noticed by all of them, knowing Okamura never exaggerated.

“Can you tell me what we're afraid of?”

Juan José Navarro, the team's sniper questioned in cold blood. His eyes and expression reflected his interest before his voice.

"Here's what we know," she began with the boss's usual firm voice. “There's been a report at 177/A Bleecker Street.

“Isn't that the title of that weird Strange?”

Aidan Cole, a handsome man in his 30s, could not wait for the boss to report everything undisturbed, as expected. He had comments all the time. What's more, he once again expressed his disinterest in magic.

"If you spit at Dr. Strange like that, you can scratch off the background of your phone, snitched," grumbled she, the team's med coach, Bria Hornback. “Scarlet Witch is not appropriate for you, who can't respect magic at all.”

“When did you check my phone, Hornback?” he asked with shock.

“I guess I found it out.”

“Wait. So you didn't know? Then how do you...?”

“Are you still asking? You always talk about her as the perfect woman.”

“Don't discuss who's looking at what now.” Okamura put an end to their light-hearted pecking. “Yes, that's where we're going. Wong came to us, Strange's most loyal man, claiming that particular events had taken place there in recent times, but before they could shed light on the secret, someone created a dimension gate that opened with a spell.”

“Can you make that a little clearer, boss?” Ella Willis was shocked. Her face showed the woman's lostness on the subject with undisgued sincerity, but she was not alone in doing so. Bria herself couldn't suddenly imagine what a dimension gate that would open all the time might look like.

"These wielding fuckers have created again," said Aidan, with mere despity. “Tell me, what's our job, boss?”

“Aidan, I'd like to know more about the situation.”

"So am I," said Bria, taking Ella's side. The weapons expert waved off the tea, which she wouldn't have left without a word. She felt the anger that was pouring in from her insides, but she exercised calm, for she knew it was not the best time to create a big-mouthed rival, even though in most cases she was happy to get involved.

“According to Wong, they don't know who caused the complication, which is why they need our help. Since the summoner's identity, and more importantly the spell itself, is not known, it is much more difficult for them to take them out," continued Miya, noting that the discussion had almost swerved in a different direction again. “What we know at the moment is that there's a dimensional gate that opens the way to several other dimensions at the same time. It's also feared to open up to a place where evil creatures sit on pins and needles waiting to be released to Earth.”

“That's tough. Then what do we do?" One of Bria's best companions, Takahashi Arashi, came out in the dismay of his eyes. He probably didn't get any smarter with the explanation; at least he probably didn't understand how the dimensional gate worked. Bria didn't fully understood it either, she didn't blame him, and she thought it was a sympathetic step to clarify what to do.

“According to what was discussed, Strange is trying to find the magic in the library, or a counter-spell to eliminate it. He noted that because he did not know how to eliminate it, at least traditional techniques do not work for the gate, it is feared to have been created by a force that is in the same way as Strange's power." Hearing the commander's remark, they all understood that the task would be more serious than expected, and Bria swallowed a great deal of concern, fearing that she would have to care for many of her comrades. “While the monks are protecting him, we, the S.H.I.E.L.D.'s units, are striving to catch the creatures pouring out of the gate, take them out and most of all, and not let them get away from the area. The lives of innocent civilians are at stake here.”

"That's why I hate all these magicians," shudded Aidan. “Their spells are like a bad experiment, only if it goes wrong, we could be in big shit.”

“Yes, because the gun is obviously completely harmless. Not to mention the nuclear bomb and its associates. And even these are old-fashioned compared to today's new weapons.”

Bria was unable to stop responding to the man's statement, which earned her inciforming gaze.

"The line-up is the usual," continued Okamura, once again noting the little digression. “Saunders is on his way, Ella's covering for him from above. Aidan and Takahashi will follow him with me. Alma, Hornback and Johnson stay in the back and cover Navarro until he can find the best shooting position.”

“I've been looking for some for you, Juan. Do you see them? “ the young technician in the passenger seat, Alma Mariano, turned back.

“Yes, I picked out what I thought.”

They all had digital display phones as work equipment. A fantasy image of the area to be secure has already appeared on it, beamed by S.H.I.E.L.D. satellites. The gate was located in the middle of the four-lane road, which was open in the north-east and southwest. But they weren't aware if anything had come through.

They all saw the small front terrace that Juan had chosen. Okamura nodded, approve of the decision.

“All right, Alma, you cover Navarro and Johnson's got Hornback.”

Bria was very feared for her associates during every operation. The boss always explained this by saying that they needed her, as a med schooler, to save lives, not to risk her own at the forefront. If she's lost, maybe there won't be anyone else to help. She appreciated the same, and it felt great to her that there was always someone to protect her even when she was in the danger zone, but she wasn't completely satisfied. Even though they told her that she deserved it as a med coach, she somehow felt like a clog and longed to fight better on the battlefield. Unfortunately, she only received basic combat training, and the main education for her was physiology, biology, chemistry, all that science. She gained useful knowledge, but at times she felt like a bird locked in a cage.

The bends were felt from slight inclinations. Bria and the people on the same side as her were leaning forward on a left turn, holding them only with their straps in place, when Dylan said:

“That stinking fucking sky! It's like it was in ‘12.”

If she could, Bria would have jumped up to see what might have been out there, but she knew what was late wouldn't go away, so she waited, despite the immense curiosity that consumed her insides. Their driver compared this one to the incident in which the Asgardian gods appeared on Earth, and Loki unleashed an army of alien beings called Chitauri on them. Would that have meant that bloodthirsty race had re-found? There was a chance, the dimension gate gave them every opportunity.

She took it upon herself with a big sigh, and decided that she would do everything she could to make sure that no such great devastation could occur again. That old case did enough damage to her and her life, and she was just one of them. To this day, countless people have thought of that day with anger, grief, sadness, and they all had their rightful reasons.

Takahashi put his hand on her shoulder and stroked it a little to help her relax a little. Perhaps he did it a little more gently than he should have, but Bria appreciated that and his smile. That man knew her too well, he noticed her tension. She couldn't have kept anything from him.

As soon as the vehicle stopped, they untied their seat belts and armed and prepared for the command.

“Johnson, what do you see?”

'Well, there's trouble' murmured the man, then exchanged a meaningful look with Alma sitting next to him. ‘Conventional weapons won't work here. Some creatures don't even have a solid body that pops up.”

It didn't prove a little reassuring to hear that. Although the arms industry also tried to keep up with magic and space technology, the most widespread weapon was still the one that threw up bullets. True, those who fired shots similar to those of the late Iron Man's energy beams began to gain ground. Fortunately, S.H.I.E.L.D. circles did not prove to be a problem to obtain these types, yet Bria was less confident in grabbing her small pistol, which was handed to her after the gun cabinet was opened. She didn't have one, only that and her combat knife.

“Let's go, let's go” Okamura commanded, and Saunders opened the back doors at that moment.

It couldn't be put off any longer, so Bria swallowed all her tensions and went with her companions as discussed. Saunders cut forward with a huge gun, Ella pulled over his head with the help of a jet-pack. Just as Okamura and they discussed, everyone was grouped together to whom they were commanded. Bria waited for Johnson, and together they cleaned up the creatures that got close to them.

The view turned out to be astonishing. At first glance, they couldn't figure out the tangle. Despite the fact that Bria thought it might be time for her to finally be in the lead, Bria was grateful that she could stay a little behind to map the field. If she had been in the front, she would suddenly not have known what to do, but the others shooted at their opponents almost without thinking, reflex, habit.

The sparkly dimension gate was located right in the middle of the road, as the digital map showed. When she looked into it, Bria saw that the place changed from second to second. She saw worlds she never dreamed of. There were some strangers from where they came from. Flaming skeletons or icy giants, splashing swamp creatures or space creatures floating in ghost form. From the horrible to the more beautiful, there were all sorts of things, but thank goodness not all the areas where the gate opened proved dangerous.

With a big leap, a strange, blue-bodied creature, looking like a half-grown frog, landed near her. It was ugly, especially I’s huge canine teeth, which it clapped towards Bria. The woman was startled by the unexpected incident, but she was neither a beginner nor a clumsy one, so she quickly put her gun on him and destroyed the ugly creature with an energy beam.

Dr. Stephen Strange was not present. He must have been wildly looking for a counter-spell. His disciples and members of the order, on the other hand, have been very aides in capturing the terrible creatures. They were mostly pushed into other dimensions, and the monks were very smart. If a creature came from underwater, it was sent to the desert, which came from the cold, thrown next to lava. The cruel but useful procedure has brought its results, and for the time being they have managed to control the various species, none have ever attacked anyone. It was a real relief for Bria to see that the situation was under control. So she aimed her targets with much more confidence. Unfortunately, sometimes she found someone who had just been sent through a dimension gate from under her nose, but it was better to try twice than not once.

“That's going to be fine. Only the doc has to rush” said Dylan, and the medic nodded.

If everything had stayed that way, the situation would have been resolved over time, but no one said that more serious opponents would arrive. The gate made sure it opened in most of the places that exist. Some were given the moment it saw the gate that opened at their home, and some of them were unwittingly dragged in. And Bria was the first to see him.

It's been more than ten years since Bria was attacked in Manhattan. The losses she suffered that day proved to be heavy for her. Although she always thought she could never make amends, and she had to learn to live with the thought that what she lost that day would never get her back, she was overwhelmed with feelings of anger and vengeance when that day came up or whatever hinted at it. That's why she was so ready to act in the open-plan, but the moment she saw Loki unearthed from the gate, who could not be mistaken for anyone else, she was blinded by rage to the extent she had never before. At the same time, she felt a sudden desire to act. If she catches that cunning but dangerous god, they'll finally, maybe for once in her life, appreciate her and realize that she's dynamic, too.

Anger is not a good counselor. Bria, who always tried to act judiciously, even if it was difficult, proved unable to restrain herself this time. She wasn't thinking, she was just doing what she wanted to do in those moments.

“Loki!" She screamed, like a wild Amazon, and immediately threw herself toward him, not counting, not caring about the command, nor her team, nor the potential danger. She just wanted to get close to him before God knows what he would do. Bria's only advantage was that she was on her way before Loki could even figure out what had happened to him. She could tell he didn't intend to be here at all. His face was clear with surprise and anger.

Bria almost instinctively pushed aside those who got in her way, could have been her teammates, Strange's men or monsters. It's like Loki was in the crosshairs, and she waded through anything to get to him.

“Hornback, stop!” Okamura shouted at her, hearing it loudly over the radio, but not she heeded it. She wouldn't let anyone stop her.

Loki seemed to be surrounded by a faint blue light. Although Bria had never seen anything like it before, she didn't dilate, and she kicked off and caught the Asgardian before the light flash blinded her.

The next thing she knows, she's feeling them fall and she's burying Loki under herself. She didn't even notice it was hot, and everything looks so red. She wanted it too much. She sat on Loki's chest and held his hands down.

“I've got you!” she declared triumphantly. At that moment, their eyes met. She could see Loki’s confusion, and then his pupils dilated. Bria didn't know where to put this. She thought maybe the god of mischief had seen something that scared him, and her vanity was fading at the thought that it might be her.

Then she noticed the change of environment. She looked carefully around, not yielding to her grip, and discovered they were near a volcano, on a protruding rock, plenty of hot air. And Loki didn't look at all like he was having a good time. He was sweaty, his eyes fell in and his lip was dry.

A dimension gate opened, and they all caught their heads to see an overly muscular creature, resembling a minotaur of legends, fall straight into the hot magna. Their demonic cries, while burning, penetrated to the veal, Bria trembled for a moment, but she ruled.

"I didn't want to come here," murmured Loki under his nose, looking at Bria, as if he expected the answer to the big question of how they got here.

"They probably caught us with a dimension gate and sent us here."

"And why are you here, pretty eyes?"

Bria didn't show anything because of her equipment, just her eyes. They were just as blue as the sky on the most beautiful summer days. Loki looked at her with a peculiar smile, he seemed so confident, she wanted to shout at him, but now she finally ruled herself. She took the first step, caught him and got close to him. She quickly completed the final phase before Loki could escape, pulled a tiny circular object from one of her waistline bags and quickly pushed it to his neck.

"Auch" he hissed and Bria pressed the button in the middle of the device to activate itself. "What's this?"

"It blocks magic" she smiled, smiling slyly, and even good enough to lean close to the face of the God, looking even closer into his eyes, emphasized what she had to say. "You're my captive."

"Hm" sighed Loki and rolled his eyes. Somehow, the threats never work, and he's already reached out to rip the device out of his neck. Bria quickly pressed the button on the remote control for the device, and her prisoner shocked throughout his body and froze.

"If you do something I don't like, count on me to torture you."

"There's has to be a time when you're not watching" chuckled Loki. He was ready for the challenge, he wasn't daunted, even when Bria was sure he wouldn't get out of it. She leaned even closer to him. She herself behaved in a challenging way, feeling in the saddle.

"Test me."

They stared into each other's eyes for a long time. Loki didn't move either. It seemed serious, as if he had studied his situation, but Bria's attention was not abated. But she couldn't deny her excitement. For all the things he did that day, Loki could now be penalized and she was happy to be so close to him. She's heard the saying more than once, revenge isn't worth anything, but it's proved undeniable that it's sweet.

"What do you intend to do to me now?"

If they were already in the crater of a volcano, there must have been a reason to be lured. Bria could have rolled Loki down into magna, he probably wouldn't have survived, especially with a teaser blocking his strength around his neck. Her gaze suggested that she had thought for a moment about this possibility. Once and for all, ridding a villain of the world turned out to be truly graceful, but in the end she followed protocol by pushing his position indicator so that if they sought her out, they would find her.

"It's an enjoyable position, the way you sit on top of me, but maybe we should move."

He was sick of the heat, which is why the Asgardian was talking. Bria, on the other hand, wasn't touched by that. Seeing him suffer was a pleasure for her.

"Commander Okamura!" She told his transceiver, but the static chatter revealed that they wouldn't be receiving it. "The rocks are shielding the channel."

"Should I take you somewhere else?"

"Listen, the easiest thing for me would be to push you into the lava, so you better not pull the plug."

He smiled again. He’s never been scared of threats? Bria was a little amazed by this, but at the same time annoyed, but calmed herself with a quick sigh. She couldn't let Loki mislead her. She knew exactly how emotional manipulation could achieve his goals, which is to escape at the moment. If she’s already captured him, she really didn't want him to get out of hand.

She was hot, but not as hot as Loki. The Asgardian was tormented by the symptoms of heat, while Bria simply took the mask off her face and then the helmet off her head. She left her blond hair in a bun, and to torture his prisoner even more, she took out her canteen and pulled a big one out of it. Deliberately so that the fine water drips over her face, and then on her waterproof clothes, a few drops reach Loki. She looked at the man with a sarcastic smile, barely visibly licking her mouth, his eyes almost staring out, so he observed. This filled her with satisfaction, and she even made a small laugh.

"You're an evil woman, you know that?" Loki said softly. Although him tone might have been surprising, Bria ignored it.

"I'm just enjoying the moment."

"As do I."

"What?" she tipped his head to the side. "I can tell you're about to die of heat, and you can't even get the teaser out of your neck, because if you reach for it, I'm going to push the button. What is it that you can enjoy now?"

He smiled again. Despite the circumstances that were really causing him suffering, Loki was very easy to use to confuse Bria. She was terrified to realize that he had already begun manipulating her, as he had piqued her curiosity.

" Yes, even though you can see that I'm not a fan of heat, the energies that come out of you, the passion, the sexuality, the confidence, and how beautiful you are and how close you are to me..."

"Are you seriously complimenting me?!" Bria screamed, as did another being that they didn't pay attention to, but in the meantime it got here and fell into the lava. Loki smiled like rabies. The Asgardian was crazy, if he really thought it would take her off his feet. The woman was sure that Loki had not taken a word seriously, if only because of his great egotistical reputation, which, because of his divinity, looked down on people so despised that he would have condemned them directly to servitude. When someone felt this way about humanity, the compliment could not have been real, but in Loki's case, the issues should be treated with reservations.

"What's so surprising?" The man's half-smile would have been quite heartwarming with those sparkling eyes if it wasn't for Loki who Bria hated so much because of the old attack. "Don't they ever tell you how beautiful you are? Or are your fellow human beings so blind?"

"Don't think I'm going to fall for the honey-glazed words. You're a god, and I'm a human. You look down on us."

"But I recognize beauty."

"You're just trying to embarrass me so you can manipulate me."

"Yes, because I'm guessing you're trying to lock me up somewhere. I can see the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo pinned to your chest."

Bria almost screamed at Loki not to stare at her breasts, but she couldn't let anger take control of her. The Asgardian tried hard to get out, obviously by all means. She was starting to feel uncomfortable alone with Loki. She was really hoping the beacon sent the notification. Even if the radio waves were blocked, the position indicator sent a signal to every satellite in existence, which could then be decoded in S.H.I.E.L.D's central application.

"I am surprised by your sincerity," she replied, more calmly than she had first planned.

"At the same time if I can't escape, I'll try to enjoy every moment with you at least."

"I'm afraid I'm not enjoying anything with you."

"You sat on my chest quite easily. Maybe you could do it to my lap too."

"With these perverse innuendos, you're not going to get anything from me," chuckled Bria. "Even though I haven't had a relationship yet, I'm not embarrassed by the subject of sexuality. "

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know how many people make pig comments about me at work? I had to learn to handle these."

"I guess other people recognize the beauty you have," said Loki, raising his eyebrows with some anger, which gave Bria joy in the hope that these compliments would finally spare him. "But now that I've found out you're a virgin, you seem interestingly more attractive to me."

"Come on, don't make a stand. I know you despise me for being human, so I can't be attractive to you."

"Why is Hornback written on your dress? Is that your name?"

"Yes, I'm Bria Hornback," she nodded, it's okay for Loki to remember her name." What's wrong with it?"

"It's such an interesting coincidence, don't you think?" the Asgardian flashed that half-smile meant to be alluring again, and his eyes shone despite all his suffering. "Your name is Hornback, and I have a helmet with horns swerved back..."

"Don't explain to me that we have anything in common." Bria was still more restrained than she first wanted, while the sounds of death filled the space. "You're a monster!"

"What did I do to you to hate me so much? Or are you like this because of New York?"

Bria kept quiet. Her ears were hurt by the bitter cry of another creature. Death proved to be shocking, no matter how it came.

But she didn't stay quiet because she wanted to hear the cry so much. She just didn't want to answer the question.

"You don't know me, yet you judge me," continued the Asgardian. "Tell me, do you really think you guys are so flawless? I mean, judging isn't a very nice gesture."

"I didn't say we are, but you did enough damage to my life to make me hate you."

"Yes, it was a big mistake, and yes, I'm guilty. Since then, however, there have been a lot of events that have made me change, so..."

"Oh, don’t you dare make yourself look as a good guy." she snapped. "You're evil, the god of mischief, unreliable, and..."

"Don't be so stupid!"

Loki's voice thundered with anger for the first time, which frightened her. The word was stuck in her throat.

"Are you seriously going to put a little tip on everyone? Good and evil? White and black? You should know by now that there's no one in the universe who has only good or bad qualities. We all have our faults. Even you, Bria."

It turned out to be an odd feeling when Loki called her by her name. Despite the fact that he intended his monologue to be a reproach, it was as if the man found her worthy calling by her name. That said, after he liked her last name, maybe she shouldn't have been surprised.

"You're not treating me like an equal. You judge me without knowing me. You're being this erotic, and you're putting me through this heat. These are bad qualities."

"Merry Christmas! I hope you're pleased with your discovery."

"You're as cynical as I am," laughed Loki, but his throat was scratched. Maybe he was starting to dry out. "They say cynicism is a sign of intelligence."

"Do you have anything else to study on me?"

"Interestingly, the more I learn about you, the more I care about you."

'Wow, That’s good for me. " Bria sighed not a little joyously.

Suddenly she saw a bright flash of light in the sky. A helicopter appeared over the crater, and the beam of light settled on them after some searching. Bria's relieved to see this.

"This is Bria Hornback, med school of Commander Miya Okamura's unit," said she to her transceiver after setting up the general S.H.I.E.L.D. channel, holding one eye on Loki. "I have a captive I'm asking for urgent support for. I catched Loki!"

"All right, Agent Hornback." received the answer via radio. "We're taking Loki into custody immediately. We help you! Please don't move."

Bria smiled for the first time with a truly great exultation at the man who had been laid down. His face finally showed a slight sign of disappointment.

"So you succeeded," he said resonantly.

"If there's anyone you shouldn't look down on, it's me. "

"I'd add, for now. Because I can't guarantee I'll stay with you for a long time."

Bria looked deep in Loki’s eyes, and the feelings of victory were gone. It was perhaps the first sentence she believed without doubt and took as a warning. She did not want to tell the Asgardian that she was up to the challenge.

[divagonzo]

I have a weird ask but I'm so angry and I don't know how to deal with this anymore. So like I keep running into this Gross Asshole construction worker who makes lewd faces/catcalls me on my way home. (I dunno if this shithead is stalking me or just works in the area or what) this doesn't happen a lot but i don't know what to do any more. tell him FU doesn't help and i can't report him for harassment. I know it's just catcalling but it makes me feel worthless & want him to get run over by a car.

Evenin’ Nonnie. Sorry I’m just now seeing this on account of doing yardwork (and stopping before finishing because I had a lovely gathering of honey bees visiting my clover for pollen and nectar and I couldn’t bear to cut down where they were feeding so…)

So you have a Gross Asshole construction worker who is being a complete prick, huh? Man, that sounds just plain gross.  Asssholes like him give the 1% of men a bad name.

I’m gonna leave this up and ask for suggestions from my other followers who have dealt with the issue more than I have - because being a Dragon means that most people will ignore you, especially if you are constantly doing the Murder Strut - looking like you’re on your way to commit an atrocious murder. (The downside of being a Mastermind is that we always look pissed off.)

Now let me preface with the following: I’ve only had one particular incident in my life in dealing with even a remotely close situation like this - and it wasn’t catcalling but being chased by someone who was either A) hopped up on drugs B) in Mental Crisis and I was an opportunistic target or C) He felt the need to chase me for three blocks in the River North section of Chicago (near the Rock & Roll McD’s for those who are familiar with Chicago) ‘til I lost him in a sporting goods store. (and I’m not one to back down from a fight from anyone but since I was by myself and I admittedly don’t deal with those who are in crisis randomly, I ran instead of getting into trouble. (And this was back in the days before cell phones were even remotely affordable or available.)))

A) I find it loathsome that you would need to adjust your route to avoid this bastard on your way home. You have every single right to walk home without being treated like shit. B) He’s a dick and doing it for attention and the power trip ‘cause C) He’s a walking bag of micro-dicks.

(I’m tired and my filter got left outside in the 32*/90* heat of yard work today.*)

The other problem is that acting like you can’t hear him - having headphones in yet off and ignoring him might escalate the issue (especially if he’s crossed the line from just creepy asshole to stalker asshole.)

Thing is, most places are putting laws on the books now where stalking and repeated harassment can get them in trouble with the police. (I’m intentionally not asking where you are out of respect of where you are.) Where I am, stalking can get a warrant for an arrest, especially if it’s repeated often. The downside of this is the time you’d have to spend on getting a warrant sworn out and any further issues legally.

You probably would be more comfortable just having him knock that shit off. I know I would. I think most if not all women would (and some guys, too.) Me being an asshole too would call the construction company or track down who he is and call his mom/wife/girlfriend and get him called out for being a dick.

But all of that might be too many spoons to shell out on a walking bag of shite.

And since you probably are outweighed and shorter than the asshole, my unfortunate suggestion is to take a different route home for now. Here’s the kicker from this advice: If you are accosted by this bastard on the different route/time, then you know you’re being harassed and stalked and then it’s time to involve the police. (And you could make it where it’s a restraining order, where he has to keep X number of feet/meters away from you. (And I’d make it ¼ mile at the closest distance possible. But that’s just me.))

Your safety is paramount especially if he’s making you feel afraid.

But now the mental/emotional side…

He’s doing it to get a rise out of you and to break you down. But you know what?

He’s a douchecanoe and not worth dragon dung. You exist and therefore have worth, value, and are deserving of respect and treated properly - in this case, not being catcalled or shown things you’re not interested in.

if you ever see him again, point and laugh at him with the thought that he’s acting that way to make up for having a micropenis. Retort with something witty besides telling him to fuck off where his friends laugh at him and not with him. 

[Sod makes nasty comment]

“Sounds like your dog kicked out of the doghouse last night.”

“How’s that cactus enema you had this weekend?”

“What’s the matter, got performance problems?”

“Hey, did you finish that round of meds for your Syphilis ” 

“Hey, they let you out. How’s that ringworm infection going?”

“Did you borrow your buddy’s brain to make that stupid comment or are you  naturally gifted in being a brainless wonder?”

“Lord, your IQ is lower than an earthworm.”

“I think you need to repeat kindergarten based on that comment.”

“Dude, you’re not funny.”

“Go step on a lego.”

If you take back your power and use wit against them, they probably back down. But then you know you and know if your wit would escalate the situation or diffuse it. 

Hopefully, some others will chime in and give you better suggestions than being a bigger asshole than I am towards the creep.