#can you tell i went to catholic school for 15 years?

[fishfission-dc]

Something about how Jason Todd’s core character trait is how he lost faith. He lost faith in Shiela, in Bruce, in the entire concept that someone else can care about him and actually have his best interests at heart.

Something about how Catholic priest Flashpoint Jason Todd is someone who has such intense faith, who trust so heavily in someone basically unprovable. Something about how without Bruce, without being Robin, it was his faith that was his core character trait.

Something about how being Robin and the life he was led into changed him in such a tragic and deep seeded way. I don’t know

[queer-reader-07]

you know what i think really gets me as a good omens fan who also grew up catholic? the very human approach it takes to morality.

i can’t speak for every denomination of christianity, but i can speak to catholicism. i grew up in the church, i went to catholic school, i was confirmed for fuck’s sake. i know the catholic church. the ways in which it eats away at your self esteem. the ways in which it makes you feel like you are a terrible person because you’ve sinned in one way or another. the way you’re taught the concept of original sin as though it isn’t deeply unsettling to believe that all humans are born corrupt. you’re taught that you were born tainted by satan, you as a baby you as a child you who doesn’t even know your place in this world yet. you are sinful because you are human.

there is no room for shades of grey in catholicism. you have either sinned or you haven’t. you are either good or you are bad. you are either going to heaven or you are cursed to damnation. (yeah yeah purgatory and all that but if i’m being honest the diocese i was a part of never really talked about it)

we all know the church is corrupt. every catholic knows that, but whether or not we ever admitted it to ourselves and accepted it as truth is another story. you cannot deny the staggering statistics regarding catholic priests assaulting and molesting children. you cannot deny the financial corruption that has been present in the institution for centuries. but you can ignore it. you can ignore it and pretend like the church is perfect and good because if you allow yourself to admit it’s issues, you admit that maybe your entire world view is flawed. that maybe the idea of morality as being black and white is wrong.

that's what i grew up with. with these contradictory beliefs. these adults in power telling me i was inherently sinful because i was human while also being told that God loves me. that God will save me from myself. so i grew up thinking someone else could fix me. because if i was inherently bad i couldn't fix myself.

but of course, the truth is, i don't need fixing. i'm not broken or bad. i'm human.

when aziraphale described adam as "human incarnate" i got EXTREMELY emotional. because to be human incarnate is to be not good or bad. it's to just be. be whoever it is you are. make the best choices you can. will they all be perfect? of course not. but will you be trying your damndest? yes.

good omens is a breath of fresh air for me and my religious trauma because the thesis of the story is that black and white thinking is unproductive at best and actively harmful at worst. you cannot live a fulfilling life while also believing there is only Bad and Good, and that Bad and Good are inherent.

good omens is a comfort because it reminds me in more ways than one that i'm worthy of love. i'm worthy of life. i don't have to be perfect, far from it. i'm allowed to be messy and make mistakes, but none of that means i don't deserve to be here. none of that means i'm a Bad Person. i'm just, A Person.

i'm trying. i've always tried. tried to love the best i can, tried to be the best person i can be, tried to live my life to the fullest, tried to cultivate joy for myself.

my brain is a mess. and 15 years, give or take, of being fully immersed in the catholic church (including 7 years of catholic school) definitely didn't help. i am still riddled with catholic guilt and toxic mental frameworks because of the time i spent in the church.

but good omens helps me work through it just that little bit more. it's there in its corner of my heart saying "hey. you're human. you're not Bad or Good, you're You. and you're trying."

it's... comforting. yeah, i think that's the right word.

[faghubby]

It started that summer

"can I touch it?" Jen asked. As she peeked around the tree and was now staring at my dick.

"What? No! Stay over there" I yelled while my dick got hard.

"Wow, does it always do that?" Jen asked ignoring me she touched my dick.

"It feels wierd" she giggled.

"No it doesn't stop it" I yelled again but all the time staring at her small budding breast.

"It's okay go pee, I will hold it for you" Jen smiled

"I can't" I said defeated

"Don't be shy" Jen laughed.

"It's not that, you can't pee when it's hard" I explained like how did everyone not know that.

"Really that's wierd" she caressed my balls as well.

"Now can you go over there so I can pee" I asked. She smiled and walked away. It took several minutes before I could pee. And as soon as I did I got hard again as I thought about what had just happened.

Jen and I went to the catholic school but she was a grade behind me. We lived in a small town and all of the kids around our had gone to camp for the summer or vacation with family. Jen and I weren't friends really. But at 12 that's no reason to not hang out. We'll Jen was 11. Both her parents worked. Well, so did mine. But my sister who was 15 was home. So her parents had asked her not really to babysit. Maybe keep an eye out. Which basicly meant call an ambulance if she got hurt. So when Jen showed up at my door this morning I figured what the hell. And we rode bikes and I took her in the woods to check out our tree house. Me and some of the guys had built. It was crap but nothing better to do.

I had stopped to pee behind a tree when Jen had decided to have a peek.

"You should let me see yours" I told Jen when I was done peeing.

"I don't think so" Jen said.

"It's only fair" I complained.

"How about I show you my tits" she offered.

"Really, cool" I said.

"Stand there" she told me then pulled up her shirt and white bra. There I was staring at real boobs. I went to step closer. She quickly pulled her shirt down.

"No fair you touched me" I whined.

"To bad" she said. We headed down the trail I followed her watching her ass the whole way. Thinking about her differently then I ever had. We reached the tree house and I helped her climb up.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked

"Why?" She asked sceptical

"I don't know I just want to try it" I explained.

"Have you ever kissed anyone before?" Jen asked

"No, I mean my mom." I told her.

"Okay, but hands to yourself" she told me, and she stood and kissed me on the lips.

"Do you want to touch me again?" I asked shyly. She thought about it.

"Does it you know spit" Jen asked. I nodded shyly.

"Will you show me" Jen asked. Without thinking I moved a wooden box and pulled out a lingerie magazine that one of my friends had swiped from his mom. I pulled my shorts down and started to jerk off to the pics.

"I looked up and saw Jen looking down at the magazine.

"This is what you look at?" She asked confused.

"Well you wouldn't show me yours." I said

"Wait, if I do you have to swear not to tell anyone"

"I swear." I told her.

"Okay no touching either." Jen pulled down her shorts. Exposing her white panties with little flowers all over them.

"That's it?" I ask

"The woman in the magazine are in their underwear" she told me. I shrugged and started to jerk off to her.

"Bend over show me your butt" I said and was surprised when she did. Just as I started to cum.

"That was kinda cool" Jen said.

"Paul, you can, I mean if you want. She couldn't say it she just grabbed my hand and placed it under her shirt on her boob. She didn't stop me when I slid under her bra either.

"Alright that's enough" she pushed me away. My shorts where still around my ankles. She touched me again.

"Not a word" she made me swear. I kept our secret. This made us become close. Even after the summer was over. As months and years passed. She allowed me on very special occasions to repeat our afternoon. Bending over and allowing me to actually cum on her panties. She also would experiment things somewhat with me. Giving me my first handjob. She also tasted my cum at one point. We would discuss. Boys she liked, or girls I liked. We taught each other to kiss. And at 16. She asked me to go down on her. She taught me by telling me what felt good as I pleased her with my tounge. But she would not put me in her mouth. A year later she told me she had sucked my friends cock. She also told me he was much bigger then I was. By the time I was heading off to university I was still a virgin. Not having more then kissed a girl other then Jen. While Jen had a very active sex life. She often told me about it in detail. As years passed we stayed in touch. Even when Jen moved to the other side of the country.

Now 24 and still a virgin. Just didn't seem to be able to close the deal with a woman. I dated but often became their friends instead of their lovers. Jen came for a visit. It had been almost a year since we saw each other. I must of been staring or something.

"You want to do it don't you?" Jen asked she didn't wait for an answer she bent over my table and pulled her pants down. I stared at her ass. She wore a thong. It was her actual ass. I pulled out my dick and jerked off. Jen pushed backwards rubbing her ass against my dick. I came all over her ass. Jen then flipped over and sat on the table. I knelt and ate her pussy. I had missed this so much.

After I made her cum with my tounge she stripped removing her shirt and bra. She had a tattoo on her left breast. She stood completely naked in front of me.

"Would you like to marry me?" She asked. "I will never let you have me. I love that you are mine. Never been with anyone. Want you to stay innocent." She told me.

"Would you? Be my virgin husband." She teased she removed my shirt.

"Idon't, i mean i love you. I always have" was all I could bring myself to say.

"It would be okay, I would find lovers to fuck me. Maybe even give us children" Jen continued. She continued to strip me naked we stood naked looking at each other. Jen knelt and liked my dick which was now throbbing hard again. She cupped my balls but then stood as her hands ran over my ass and up my back.

"I will let you play with yourself while you look at me whenever you want. But I will never kiss that little thing again. Or ever let it inside me." Jen said. "On special occasions I might use my hand though" she said as she stroked me with two fingers.

"Yes" I moaned.

"Yes?" She asked. "Paul will you promise to remain my virgin husband and love me for the rest of your life?" She asked. I dropped to my knees.

"Jen will you marry me" I asked

"Yes" she said pushing my head back into her crotch. I ate her till she came a second time. She then stroked me till I came all over her thigh.

We then called and told our parents. No one was surprised my mother had assumed we would wind up together ever since high school. I changed my life quite my job and moved across the country with her.i took a job making a lot less money. But Jen did well so we where fine, Jen also worked alot of hours so I took on most of the domestic duties.

"You don't mind do you?" Jen would tease. "It's not like you're a real man" she reminded me. She would come home and tell me about her lovers in great detail. I bowed to her will more and more. Wearing what she wanted me to wear, cutting my hair lime she liked it. There was nothing I wouldn't do. So when she had meshave my legs because they where scratchy when we cuddled. Or pierce my ears because ot looked so cute. It wasn't a big stretch when she came home one night from meeting someone.

"He didn't make me cum" she said frustrated. "You always make me cum" she told me. "Would you help me cum" she asked as she pulled her panties off. They where covered in cum.

"Jen I can't" I told her.

"Yes you can, for me" I gave in and licked her used pussy. It was strange and salty but mixed with her juices it soon passed I didn't stop until she bucked against my face.

'That was the best ever" she praised and gave me a handjob. When she was done she raised her fingers to my mouth. Without thinking I opened my mouth and licked my own cum off of them.

After that night nothing was to far it seemed. She convinced me to shave off the rest of my body hair. That I would like to wear panties because I loved how they felt when I rubbed up against hers. Licking her clean happened a few more times then everytime. My hair grew out, and everything about me softened. When I complained

"OH sweety, I am not making you a woman. Just a soft virgin husband. I don't want people thinking you have a say in our marriage" she told me. As our wedding date approached. I realized my true place was to be. Nothing was very traditional she even wrote my vows for me.

I promise to worship. serve, obey. Where all key points. She arranged two rooms for the honeymoon. And invited one of her lovers along.

My tux was a peach color that matched the bridesmaids dresses. While my best man and ushers wore black. Because they where real men.

My father skipped the wedding but my mother thought I looked beautiful. My sister blushed when asked about the Bachelorette party. I didn't attend my bachelor party. Jen didn't want me looking at other woman. But I was told it was a wild night.

Now about to turn 30 been married for 3 years and Jen is pregnant with our daughter. Jen tells me not to worry to much the sperm donor looked kinda like me.

[sad-boys-book-club]

"&" Ampersand - A Literary Companion: Eve & Paradise Lost

Hey everyone!

Let’s continue feeding my unhealthy obsession with Bastille by diving into the literary companion I created for “&”. Today, we’re talking about the second track: Eve & Paradise Lost. (Now that the album is out, I can finally follow the tracklist properly!)

In case you missed it, here’s my post about Intros & Narrators.

Before we jump into the book picks for this song, I want to apologize for the delay in writing this. I’ve had some family stuff going on, moved houses and also wanted to make sure I had read both books before recommending them.

Actually, I plan to take some time to go over the whole list of stories I’ve picked—I want to read them all thoroughly so I know exactly what I’m recommending to you all (some of them, I've already read, but I want to revisit them as well).

Now, let’s talk about the song. I find it fascinating to see a male songwriter like Dan taking on a woman’s perspective for a project that explores different stories. The official statement about the song stood out to me: “This song is about the burdens of loving women cruelly made to feel blame and shame from the dawn of time.” It’s clear Dan’s an artist who engages with feminist writings, and that’s something I truly appreciate—especially given how rare it is in the music industry, particularly for someone who presents as a straight, white male.

Cat Bohannon — Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution

The title character from the song. Probably the most cited figure from the Bible. A staple in paintings and literature for the past two thousand years. The first sinner. Eve remains a pillar of the Western collective imagination, her meaning changing a lot throughout the decades. From the representation of female sexual desire, scapegoating her for condemning the entire human race to death by eating the forbidden fruit (can you tell I went to Catholic school?), to being seen as the first example of female rage in the face of oppression. She embodies the complexities of womanhood—temptation, sin, and defiance—all wrapped into a single character.

Cat Bohannon’s book couldn’t be further from this. With a PhD from Columbia in the evolution of narrative, Bohannon explores why, in an age when we often see medical and science knowledge as some sort of truth, we still somehow have a very male-centric view of the human body.

By reexamining all the different potential Eves we have in the history of human evolution—that’s how she chooses to call all the ‘hypothetical female ancestors’ in our shared Homo sapiens lineage—, Bohannon urges us to reconsider and reshape our understanding of how our knowledge of the human body has often ignored half the world’s population.

As someone who enjoys reading non-fiction books (happy to share a few of my all-time favorites in the comments to whoever is interested), I found this book a really insightful, at times infuriating, eye-opening view into how sad it is that, for much of documented history, women have been seen as just men with breasts and wombs bolted on. The author is especially conscious of how sex (influenced by chromosomes, physiology, and hormones) and gender (how we identify, behave in our environment, and interact with one another) are not the same thing. She often adds notes to point out how science ignoring the female body and all its narratives has even worse consequences for trans and nonbinary folks, which I found really well-done and necessary in today’s age.

I picked this book as a companion to the song mainly because of the “rolled your eyes at pain you'll never comprehend” line, but I think it is a solid read on its own. I certainly learned a lot about my own body during the 15 hours I listened to the audiobook.

John Milton — Paradise Lost

So, Paradise Lost—the epic poem that pops up on pretty much every English Lit syllabus. Quick and snappy plot summary before we dive in: It’s a 12-part epic that covers Satan’s dramatic fall from Heaven, the creation of Adam and Eve, their blissful (but short-lived) days in Eden, the infamous temptation, and their ultimate eviction from paradise. Along the way, there’s a war in Heaven (didn’t exactly keep me on the edge of my seat), plus some deep philosophical chats between Raphael and Adam about creation, God, and, well, everything. It’s basically theological fanfiction (I mean it in the most neutral way possible).

Milton, being the good Puritan he was, used these stories to dig into free will, predestination, and conscience. It’s hard not to see Satan as a rebel leader and God as the authority figure, especially when you remember Milton was writing during the English Civil War. 

The poem was widely known but highly controversial and criticized during Milton’s lifetime, however, during the Romantic period, poets like Shelley and Byron “reclaimed” Milton’s Satan as a tragic antihero figure.

Anyway, I had to dig out my old uni notes (and hit up some audiobooks) to brush up on Eve’s role in this whole mess. And let me tell you, there’s a lot to unpack. Mainly because: a) as is often the case with old poetry, there’s a lot to read between the lines; b) classics come with a million different interpretations, and c) there are a few different versions, depending on the edition you read, so it’s easy to get lost in the variations of text, footnotes, and commentaries. (And also d) I won’t lie, it’s a slow, heavy read. At times, I had to resort to the audiobook just to get through some of the passages!)

Here’s what stood out this time around: Eve’s role is seriously hard to pin down, as Milton's relation to gender politics has been scrutinized since, well, pretty much since it was published in the 17th century. (Yeah, I had to pull out good old Google Scholar, watch some lectures on YouTube, and, of course, dive into Muses: An Ampersand Podcast—thanks, Dan and, mostly, Emma.)

What I really enjoyed was reading some modern articles that analyze Eve’s character through the lens of feminism which ties into the song’s exploration of blame and shame—no Wild World pun intended.

First of all, when Eve is introduced to Adam in Paradise Lost, Milton has her momentarily distracted by her own reflection in a pool of water, a subtle but significant parallel to the myth of Narcissus (hint hint). It’s an early indication of how susceptible to being misled she will be later on. But it also plays into this idea that her curiosity and desire—whether for knowledge or just, you know, herself—are somehow “dangerous.”

Now, Eve gets the blame for the Fall because she’s tempted by Satan to snack on the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Sure, she’s tricked, but let’s not pretend it’s all the serpent’s fault—once the idea is planted, it’s Eve who talks herself (and Adam) into it. That shows some sense of agency on her part, right? She wasn’t just a passive, helpless victim; she wanted to prove herself, to be tested, and she took action.

Milton is giving her a bit of credit for having a mind of her own, even if it’s wrapped up in this narrative of downfall. Eve’s curiosity and independence—qualities we might admire today—become her so-called "fatal flaws" here. So, yes, the story punishes female agency, but it’s undeniably there. And in a world where women were (and still are) often written as powerless, it’s refreshing to see Eve at least take some control, even if the outcome is a bit... unfortunate.

Now, let’s be real, this whole negative portrayal of Eve isn’t shocking. Milton was writing in a time where misogyny was baked into pretty much everything (which, sadly, isn’t all that different from now). Eve’s agency and sexuality are framed as the ultimate cautionary tale: women’s sexuality and agency are seen as inherently dangerous and something that inevitably leads to moral fallings.

But despite it all, towards the later part of Paradise Lost, Eve does get a kind of redemption arc. I came across one scholar who referred to the concept of felix culpa, a phrase in Catholic tradition meaning "happy fault" or "blessed fall." Eve might be responsible for humanity’s downfall, but her actions also set the stage for the coming of Christ, making her "mistake" a necessary part of the larger divine plan. It’s a bit of a paradox—how can something so disastrous lead to something so positive?—but the idea is that certain misfortunes can eventually lead to greater good.

Milton leans into this in Book 12, where Adam says:

"O goodness infinite, Goodness immense! That all this good of evil shall produce, And evil turn to good; more wonderful Than that which creation first brought forth, Light out of Darkness!"

So, in a roundabout way, Eve’s fall isn’t all doom and gloom—she’s the necessary catalyst that sets God's plan into motion. In fact, scholars have started to reframe Eve’s role in Paradise Lost as something more empowering than it initially appears. Traditionally, Eve’s been seen as the ultimate cautionary tale, blamed for humanity’s fall and cast as a symbol of female weakness and danger. But if you look closely, there’s something subversive in the way she’s actually the mover of the entire plot.

Eve isn’t just sitting around passively following orders—she actively makes the decision to eat the fruit, which, yes, brings about the fall, but it’s also what triggers the eventual coming of Christ and the possibility of redemption. Without her action, we’d all be hanging out in Eden, stuck in a static, sheltered existence. In a way, this is Eve taking control of her fate, making a choice, even if it’s framed as "wrong."

Plus, while Milton definitely punishes Eve, her agency is undeniable. Adam is kind of an afterthought in the whole thing—Eve is the one who steps outside the box, embraces curiosity, and disrupts the status quo. To modern feminist readers, that kind of defiance (even if it’s punished) reflects the strength of a woman asserting her independence. Raphael even calls her "the mother of humankind," acknowledging her dual role. She is both chaos and creation—a symbol of disruption but also the source of life. So, in a way, Eve’s choice is what makes humanity... well, human.

I like how in the song, there’s also a sense of Eve having an agency and a mind of her own. The chorus highlights Eve’s struggle with the idea of being “made for” Adam—“When they say I was made for you... made from you”—and the frustration of biting her tongue, which relates to how her love for Adam intertwines with her need for independence.

That’s it for this post! I’ll be back soon with more book picks for the next track. Let me know if you’ve read these or if you have any thoughts!

Feel free to share your thoughts and any other book suggestions as well!

With love,

Cat

[batb1mb0]

Since I’m seeing a lot of people write about their religious upbringing and Ghost…I guess it’s finally my turn. I don’t know if I should but warnings but I’ll put them here anyway.

TW: talk of religion (obviously), family member death, minor talking about masturbation acts, religious trauma, gaslighting, toxic relationship with family

TL:DR: I loose my grandmother and start questioning my faith. Later on my friend shows me the band Ghost and I thought I could finally like something that I relate to.

This all started in 2014 when I was just a freshman in high school. I was 14 at the time about to turn 15, living the best of my life that I possibly could for a 14 year old. I was learning how social media worked, I was playing flash games, I had a great connection with my family. Life was great. The only down side was my grandmother, who I was very close to, was very very sick. She had been sick for three years before this whole moment in time. I got a text one day in December. I still remember the date and time of that message; December 17th, 2014 at 2:45 pm. I see that my mom had texted me and said that both her and dad are in the high school lobby waiting to pick me up. I found this weird since I didn’t need two family members to pick me up. So I thought nothing of it.

When I got downstairs, that was when I heard the news that made me loose my cool. My parents informed me that afternoon that my grandmother had just passed that afternoon and they were signing me out of school a week early due to funeral planning and other things like that. The moment I heard that news, I broke down in tears and fell to my knees. I loved my grandmother. She was like a second mother to me and now I had just heard the news that she was no longer with us. This was the start of my spiral into depression. And it didn’t help that I tried to live in denial for the most part of it.

So with this major death in the family, I was really starting to question my religion. I was brought up Catholic in a very religious family. We always went to church every Saturday evening, I was practically brain washed into thinking this is the only religion you can be. I understand that some other Catholic upbringing stories are not like this but the way mine is, it was more like a cult the more I think about it (I’ll make a separate post talking about that). I really was thinking if god was all good and loving, then why couldn’t he fix and heal my grandmother. I was told to always pray to god if I needed help but it was clear he wasn’t listening to me in those moments. So I decided to drop Catholicism as a whole. The only problem was, my high school was Catholic and I had to get through three years of pretending to be Catholic.

Jump to my senior year of high school. I was 17 at the time so I am still a minor. My high school was offering this religious retreat called kiros. Basically it was a religious retreat to grow your relationship with god or find him again. It was for four days and three nights and I look back to it…it sucked. If you didn’t think religion can be a cult, this was surely the nail in that coffin. We were given the same shirt and the same colored bandanna. The only way to tell us apart were the pants we wore. And we had to wear that shirt the whole time. But this is only scraping the surface of this whole retreat.

The one night I am haunted by is the night we had to do confessions. Now already I don’t like telling a stranger my imperfections, what made them think I would tell a holy man my imperfections. Well…I don’t know how but it worked. I was put into a small room with the priest, he got me to calm down and I still curse myself each day for remembering the interaction so well. The way I had admitted to self exploration in the bedroom, the way I was crying out of sheer EMBARRASSMENT! I wasn’t being healed. Though the priest thought I was being healed and finally accepting god into my heart and that’s why I was crying. No. I was bawling my eyes out due to the embarrassment I felt that I just told this man, who is a stranger and old enough to be my dad, what I had done to myself. It was that I finally was seeing how scary this religion truly is…how far gone you can easily be if you are not careful. I should say any religion is that way. But my experience was truly traumatic and I was given nothing in return. I gave until I could not give no more.

Jump to me in college, these next five years flew by quickly. I was finally with people I could call friends. A close friend of mine showed me their tarot cards, and I was fully clicking with it. Better than my TWELVE YEARS of Catholicism did for me. Of course when I was getting into tarot and the starts of paganism I hid it from my parents. Mainly my mother since I knew she would disapprove of it. And I was right. When I was 22 and I told her I am now pagan, she never gave me a second glance. Just an eye roll and thinking I’m trying to get out of going to church with her. No. This is something I made on my own. And this was around the time a friend I met at work was telling me about Ghost. I had Mary on a Cross playing since it was a song I was hearing all over Tiktok and I just liked the tune of it. So they told me a little about the band and showed me a few more of their songs that I was instantly clicking with. Year Zero and Cirice really got to hold onto me and given my past, it shows why Cirice really has a hold on me.

Even today, I am finding so many friends in this community who have some variety or religious trauma or just use the music to escape. I’ll say this, I’m glad I was introduced to it. It helps me when I am in my dark hours and when I feel like the world is crashing down on me. It is a temporary escape while I still live with my parents for the time being. However my happiness always has to come to an abrupt end. Present day me, did recently receive a letter that high school me did write. Everything was fine until I read one line of the letter…a line that nearly sent me over the edge when I read it…

“Hopefully you are still Catholic, if not pray to god and help yourself to get back into his love”

Even going to as far as to attached a picture of the letter to show I am not making any of this up…But yeah…thanks to the wonderful people who have been with me all through this little obsession, you guys mean the world to me…it’s true. If you do have ghost…you really do have everything

-Chloe

Below is the actual letter…

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so, a random high school memory just popped into my head, and also not so randomly popped into my head from going through my 'relationships I guess' tag.

anyway, I've probs talked before about how anal the catholic school that I went to for high school between 2008 and 2011 (years 7-10) was about the whole "duty of care" thing- especially when it came to formal/prom season in year 10 (2011 for me) and year 12 (2013 for me). so imagine you're one of the 'popular' or 'hot' girls in your year group, and you've got your hot boyfriend whose 21 (yikes in hindsight), that you want to bring to your year 10 formal. the school says no bc of "duty of care"- so then you have to pair up with one of the boys in your year that you don't like in that way- just for the sake of having a formal date/partner.

say you're now in year 12 and you're still one of the popular girls- albeit one of the ones that everyone hates. you want to take your boyfie who graduated the year prior (2012), who is from the same school. however, that also rules him out as a date to your year 12 formal, despite him being only a year older and a previous student of the school. so again, you must take one of your guy friends from your year group to the formal with you.

compare this to the public school that I transferred to for years 11 and 12 (2012-2013). one of my close friends took her 21 year old boyfriend to our year 12 formal. like obvs there's not much you can do, considering nearly all of us (bar people who were late November and December birthdays) were 18, so maybe the teachers at that school felt like they didn't have much of a say of who people brought as their dates to the formal. also two boys from the catholic school actually turned up to this school's formal too.

but it was the distinct form of freedom to me, that the school didn't seem to give a flying fuck about what you did or who your brought along to this event. whereas the catholic school enjoyed sticking their noses into EVERYONES business telling you who you can and can't take to your formals/proms- even if they were former students of the school the previous year- or even current students in the year below you. it's a date from your year or NOTHING- and woe is you if you have the sheer audacity to go alone to the event. what a shame.

but in the case of the girl who in year 10 in 2011 that kept campaigning for her 21 year old DJ (house party dj) boyfriend to not only be the DJ for our formal (he has better music than the DJ the school uses for our socials (school dances)), but also to be her date... like paula. that 21yo grown ass man does NOT love you. you are 15/16. what on earth does this 21yo scumbag douchebag dude have in common with you??? why is he pushing you to take him, as your date, to your HIGH SCHOOL formal??? please don't bring him and stop begging to have him as the DJ.... when it's not the music that he's really there for. it's the access to girls your age.... when he's fuckin 21 and should be nowhere near a teen girl's year 10 formal/junior prom (not counting family tagging along to the photos portion of the event).

because I can see now that the catholic school, to some extent, did care about safety when the 21yo boyfriend wanting to be a formal date thing came into play. because I remember when I turned 21 in 2016, when the 16-18yo year 10 to year 12 students from the nearby high schools would come to my home uni's campus for lunch and decent coffee during their free periods or lunch breaks. i remember thinking "christ they're so young" and stuff like that. whenever I heard them talking amongst each other about their HSCs (end of high school exams) and ATARs (uni entrance marks), I always thought to myself, "god. I remember when that shit actually mattered.... and it doesn't now lmao bc I'm here". and "they really are just kids."

then when I did a couple of first year electives the next year, 2017, and I talked to the 18yos in those classes..... I realised how much I'd grown and stuff in the 4 years since high school had finished for me. and it was esp stark when all those kids kept telling me to turn in my work from high school.... all because that's what they were doing to save time, and they were apparently "getting high distinctions" bc their work was just "so good and intelligently written" or whatever bullshit they told me. so when I told them that, "hey. uh I can't really do that because I've grown so much since late high school that my writing voice is quite different and matured... and I don't think I could make my work NOT sound like it was written by 16 to 18 year old me." to which they'd always respond to me with "well that just means you're NOT a talented enough writer like me. why are you even in an arts degree if you can't make your work sound as good and as smart as mine???" like good luck, dana and jack, when your high school bs work starts running out..... and you realise halfway through uni that you're not as talented as you think you are.... and that your professors were just being nice to you in your first semesters. your teenage hubris will come crashing down soon. trust me.

but my point is that my growth between my late teen years and my early 20s was pretty big. I remember thinking that even the 17/18yos I was with in those 2017 first year electives with were practically still kids. but obvs being 18 and having moved interstate (some of the first years) makes them, to themselves, more mature and worldly than me, who is just a lowly local student vs becca who moved 10 hours away from her family to attend my local uni.

but my point is, to my younger followers, if i have any.... is that your high school has a point with duty of care rules, to not let you take your partner, esp if they're in their early 20s and you're 16-18 for your junior or senior prom. like yes it may be an absolute pain that you have to take laikynn, who is a dumb rudeass jock or the weird kid teddy or yknow- shock, horror you dare to go alone- bc fuck "needing a date" to these things.

but your early 20s partner is at a different stage of life to you- and defs should not be cruising around a year 10 formal/junior prom venue trying to idek "keep an eye on you" or whatever the stupid excuse is about wanting to go with you- let alone date you in the first place. bc never once, in my early 20s, did I want to date a 16-18yo. even if yes, there was only 4 years of age difference between me and the new 18yo uni students in 2017. but that 4 years meant that I was almost graduating, meant that I'd been to business college (this was a rip-off to get me into uni tbh) and had significant other stuff going on that made me grow, instead of y'know, just stagnating and staying in a teenagers mindset.

it meant that I was contemplating my future a bit... where would I go with my english/philosophy degree??? while the new students were still riding the highs of getting their desired ATARs or getting into uni through early entry. probs still thinking nice fluffy thoughts that an arts degree will make them a millionaire and get them hired instantly. when in reality, no one wants to hire you and will instantly pigeon-hole you into a teaching role.... despite your complete disinterest in the job field... and you personally knowing that it's NOT a fit for you.... but i digress.

so yeah. I now realise that the catholic school actually had a point with being hella anal about duty of care when it came to my formals/proms. so to any younger users on here: if some early 20 something person wants to date you, and wants you to take them to your high school event, really question their motives and why on earth they'd really want to go to your year 10 formal/junior prom or even senior events, with you.

you're 15/16 for junior prom/Y10F. take jake from science class or carina from english class. or go alone with your friends, bc you won't die if you don't have a partner for these events.... despite what that society says. or whatever weird bs an older partner could spit out to try to go with you. same goes for senior prom. go with someone your own age, not your 23yo partner who shouldn't be dating a teenager - like bro (gender neutral) knows what rent is and how to pay it. bro knows how to pay interest on a car loan. dump their ass. hell go with a person in the year below you, like i could've done for my year 12 formal. just don't invite some 20 something year old to a high school event it's weird af.... and your school has a point in regards to safety.

[septembersghost]

“When I first read Priscilla Presley’s memoir Elvis and Me, I found it really interesting and was impressed by how personal and revealing it was. I loved how she wrote in a way that was so direct and relatable about going through all the stages that most girls go through into womanhood – but in such a unique and eccentric setting at Graceland, with Elvis Presley.”

“When my cousin’s wife Kate Gersten was telling me about working on a musical of Priscilla’s story, it prompted me to read the book again. I got so into her story and the vivid world, and how wild it must have been to be going to a Catholic girls’ high school in Memphis while living with Elvis at Graceland, struggling to stay awake in class and do her studies after partying all night with Elvis and his friends. And I appreciated the strength she showed in leaving to find her own identity after growing up trying to be his idea of the ideal woman.”

“I worried at first that it might be too similar to Marie Antoinette, but when I spoke to Priscilla I was able to understand more about her perspective and began to see how it could become its own film. It would have its own challenges, such as fitting so much of her life into two hours – and how I would ever find someone to play Elvis. Jacob Elordi did this just how I imagined: in a subtle way, evoking the feeling of him as he was described by Priscilla in his private life. I was so glad to meet Cailee [Spaeny], who Kirsten [Dunst] had just loved working with [on Alex Garland’s forthcoming film Civil War], and it was incredible to see how she could transform from a 15-year-old to a 28-eight-year-old in the same day.”

“On this set, I totally felt in my element, doing what I love. I could see moments that felt like past films, but hopefully that’s now my style and all of my experience went into this one. It was a new kind of pressure to do the story of someone who is alive and I always wanted Priscilla to be happy with it, while including what I responded to in her story. I think it was a complicated relationship and a different time. I hope the audience can feel what it was like for her, and see how we all go through so much to become who we are.”

Thoughts on these new quotes about Priscilla from Sofia Coppola? I know you plan to skip it but it does give me a bit of better hope for the movie.

https://amp.theguardian.com/film/2023/aug/27/sofia-coppola-archive-memoir-memories-book-extract-lost-translation-virgin-suicides

the inner salty girl in me that i try to suppress honestly hopes a bunch of the haters and the "this is the only valid movie about him ever because the estate didn't approve it" people go to see it expecting a flat tale excoriating him and victimizing her, and instead receive a sensitive, thoughtful take on priscillla's life with him and the tempestuousness and sweetness and surreality of that existence at graceland. because they will be outraged and i will smile quietly to myself.

the outer sincere part of me believes, regardless of what transpires with the film's release, sofia really means all of this and was approaching it from a nuanced and compassionate artistic perspective, because everything she's saying in these quotes shares thoughts i've had about it too, and there's value in approaching it with humanity and recognition of differences in era, in the complications of love and youthful dreams and real struggles, in coming into one's own as a person even when that means you have to leave that love and what you knew of your life behind to forge your identity.

[purplesurveys]

1644

survey by robotease

1. Do you like zombie movies? Eh, not really. I’ve watched only a handful like Zombieland and Night of the Living Dead but otherwise the genre isn’t something I look for.

2. What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? I am easily grossed out by seeing crumpled up tissue in the cubicle trash bins. No matter how innocent they look, I always find it gross; and of course it’s always much much worse when people don’t wrap their stuff properly and I end up seeing bits of the poor thing they tried to wrap.

3. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? I love In the Seom, but I will admit that I spend way too much time playing it in an attempt to top the leaderboards every time.

4. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? Anything I’ve ever had to give my parents because I hate disappointing them. Also any work-related apology because I hate fucking up when literal business is on the line.

5. What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? I don’t come across them too often, but I remember the time when my ex’s friend caught wind of an argument we were having at the time and instead of offering something sound, straight up offered that we just break up altogether. Has she not heard of the concepts of ‘trying to work it out’ or ‘giving each other space’ or ‘communicating’? LOL

6. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? No and probably not. I wouldn’t have the first clue what to do and will most likely end up being very clumsy...and also very queasy. 7. What was your worst Halloween costume? Some generic pirate costume I picked up from the department store. This was like a decade ago and I didn’t feel like celebrating Halloween at the time lol.

8. Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class? I’m not naming names.

9. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? The first few days into my Big Breakup coincided with me getting hired for my first job, so besides being single for the first time in years I was also slapped with the very realistic feeling of adulting as I had to get 783729334 government documents at once. I still vividly remember the moment I was driving to the next government agency and realizing that This Is It, This Is The Real World.

10. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? I’ve never had a disappointing Christmas in a sense that it felt like a letdown, but there was maybe one or two Christmases in like the early 2010s when my family wasn’t doing so well financially and I could tell my mom tried her hardest to get at least something for each of us, even though each gift wasn’t much. More than anything I think I just felt a little bad for her, but also grateful and proud that she did everything she could to make sure we still got to celebrate Christmas.

11. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? Nah we just have the plain ones.

12. Have you ever had to give a pet away? No.

13. What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? Fried isaw is the epitome of so unhealthy I would dive into it headfirst.

14. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? No, was never into the concept of roleplay.

15. How do you feel about runny egg yolks? It’s how I have my eggs. I won’t necessarily always turn away cooked yolk, but like I’ll be less enthusiastic about it lol.

16. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? I went to Catholic school so you can just guess the things that we were taught there.

17. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? Taking surveys? HAHAHAHA objectively it’s the easiest to live without.

18. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? Yes. My first and only relationship was completely hidden.

19. How much do you know about first aid? Not much. I wouldn’t be the best person to handle an emergency, although I know that shouldn’t be the case. But idk...I panic too easily and too much.

20. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? My dad’s entire extended side.

21. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? No, it’s not for me. I tried yoga for a quick minute and the only thing I got out of it was more impatience. Great on you if it works, though!

22. Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you? Yes. I was my mom’s main adviser when she was mulling over whether to accept her most recent job offer or not.

23. Have you ever used a view-master? Yes! I loved those.

24. Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows? I have tried sooooooo many times to love podcasts, but I get so bored of them. My attention span also isn’t the best – if I redirect my thoughts to something else for just a split second, I completely lose track of the recording and what they’re talking about. It’s why I envy people who can listen to podcasts while, like, cleaning the house.

25. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? We don’t have ice cream trucks here to begin with, so never. We do have ice cream tricycles hahaha and I haven’t bought from one since the Great Pandemic Era.

26. Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? I believe Against Me! is on hiatus at the moment, yeah.

27. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? I don’t.

28. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? Just, like, really intricate embroidery templates. Never finished any of them.

29. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? Frogs.

30. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? I don’t think so.

31. Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? We once used one of our plates as dining table decor, but it’s since been phased out. OH I KNOW – my physical copies of Indigo stand in an unconventional spot in my room, almost like an art gallery piece. It’s separate from the rest of my BTS/solo albums which are all lined up neatly at my merch section.

32. What do you hope the afterlife is like? I don’t believe in an afterlife but if it happens to be real, the only acceptable outcome is being reunited with my pets somehow.

33. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? Any kid who is vocally upset about a gift while the gift-giver is within earshot is automatically a demon for me. Also any kid who does the opposite of what you say in an attempt to be cheeky or cute...really not the way get my fancy. Also any kid who doesn’t like to share and will FLIP THEIR SHIT when you politely ask them to lend their toy. Man...why don’t I like kids? Lol.

34. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? Nah. Stuff like this can always bite me back in the ass, so it’s just not worth the effort.

35. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? My dad and I have a deep appreciation for food, so we like to try new cuisines and restaurants. My mom and I love watching true crime documentaries.

36. Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older? It can be both but I think it’s slightly more scary. Especially when you realize no one actually knows what the fuck they’re doing and we’re all just trying to navigate and not fuck up on our way.

37. How was the reception of the last wedding you attended? I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007 but as I grew older I realized just how fancy shmancy the last wedding I went to’s reception was as it was held at the Coconut Palace. 

38. Do you have any physical photo albums? Yes, my mom made one for each of us all containing baby photos and they remain downstairs, in the living room.

39. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? No.

40. Who was the worst friend you ever had? Athenna was such a volatile person. I never knew if she liked me or if I was one wrong move away from getting cursed at.

41. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made? I made countless sacrifices in my previous relationship. 

42. Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election? Yes.

43. What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? A denim jacket that my dad gave my mom while they were still dating. It holds up fantastically to this day and it’s still my favorite jacket to wear.

44. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? Yes. Their relationships as in-laws are also very healthy.

[musea-reviews]

Museum Catharijneconvent (St. Catherine's Convent Museum)

‘’The collection tells the art and cultural history of Christianity in the Netherlands.’’ 

Location: Center of Utrecht, Utrecht, The Netherlands Price: 15,- / students 7,- Duration: 2 - 5 hours Transport: easy to walk to from the central station Language: All text is in Dutch, I didn't ask if the audio tour could change the language Activities: look & read Date of visit: Friday 17 February 2023 Expo at that time: History of Gospel Check out the website

The building was very beautiful from the outside as it was located inside a medieval monastery. You could look in the small garden area for free.

The Children Room The first part of the museum I went to was intended for children and was about all the holidays, this part of the museum even had information on other religions like Judaism and Islam. As these religions and Christianity come from the same set of stories and historical events. The information didn't go very deep since it said things like “the Christmas tree is a part of Christmas because it stays green all year around‘’ instead of explaining it came from pagan religions. I did learn however that we have new year's on the day that we do (8 days after Christmas) because that's when Jesus supposedly got circumcised. Which was a shocking reason to me that I didn't knew. This part did also have some fun interactive elements, such as opening food lockers from a wall to connect 4 kinds of food to the right holiday. Sadly, one of the screens was broken, and the lights were off/broken in that corner, so I couldn’t film it.

Another cool thing there was a built replica of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, with light projections explaining why these 3 religions all want to own this place and fight for it. I was all alone in this part of the museum, probably because it was on a school day

The Treasury The next part of the museum was the treasury, a dim lid room full of shiny objects, I loved it. This is also where the ‘’real’’ museum started, so I got handed an audio tour. I love audio tours. However, on the lowest audio setting, it was still too loud for me. But I simply put the headphones further from my ears, you can also use your own headphones if they have a cord. 

Keeping it real I found it all very interesting, I was a bit disappointed that it was not about other religions anymore, but I went in this blindly and didn't know it was specifically a museum of Christianity. Personally, I don't believe in anything, but love to learn about religions. Next to the normal audio tour that talked about the paintings and the history, they also added some new numbers to the audio tour talking more about controversies about some paintings and people. I liked this since they weren't glorifying the religion and showed more about how it was done back in the day. For instance, in the extra audio tour, they talked about Jesus' skin colour and how everywhere in the museum he's portrayed as a white man with long brown hair, meanwhile, this doesn't have to be the case. They explained that it's easier for people to feel connected to stories if they can see themselves in them. The person being interviewed said that when they visited a church in Surinam they saw the painting of ‘’The Last Supper’’ but with everyone being black. They stated in this interview that they're working on adding more diverse pieces like that to the museum, and assured that they were working on a big new collection of different interpretations of the catholic stories. For now, they had an exposition about the history of gospel in America and told the stories of black artists. I didn't see much of it since I couldn't find the right way to walk thou the exhibition and my legs were already hurting since I had been there for 5 hours.

TLDR + Fun room about holidays, not only about Christianity but also about Muslims and Jewish religion. + In the centre of the city, easy to just pop in and out on a city trip. + inclusive and does not give a blind eye to the bad things of Christianity.

- it was pretty hard to navigate the museum and I kept getting lost, don't know if I missed parts of the museum - I do not recommend it to children/teens since there was not a lot to do

Would I pay the price: No, this would not have my interest Would I revisit it: probably not Who do I recommend it to: Adults interested in Christianity or history Interactive:         2 Educational: 4 Storytelling: 2 Price: 3 Memorable: 4 Total score: 3

[betyoudidntcthatcoming]

Okay, I'm so sorry to go on a rant, but good god I need it so badly....

This is incredibly important for people to understand. Sometimes not coming out is a matter of safety and survival. When I was 15-16, I was confused why my best friend didn't tell me he was gay.... We went to Catholic school together and I can recognize now that he wasn't sure if it was safe.

I did not come out to my family. They found out on accident (Note to self, being an actor with an online presence can backfire on you when your parents actually go on acting websites and see your pronouns).

I have spent almost 10 years hiding my identity and sexuality from them, half of which I spent trying to accept it myself after growing up in an extremely religious environment.

I did not feel safe telling them and I don't feel safe now that they know. When I said this to them, my mother got pissed because I was "being hurtful" by saying that. It is not about you. You're allowed to feel hurt, but maybe think about what made them think that environmental was unsafe in the first place. It isn't personal, it is survival.

Sometimes people need time to let themselves be seen fully. It's scary and hard. Let yourself feel love for others instead of offense at not being told something that may be personal and difficult to say.

I'm gonna say it here too. Allow me to be crystal fucking clear.

It is not cowardly to stay in the closet. Full stop. You do not owe anyone any part of yourself you aren't ready to share

If you unable to come out because you fear for your safety or well-being or because you know it will cause you substantial discomfort, that is not a defect in you. It's a failure of the society in which you live and the community surrounding you.

If you just don't want to share that part of yourself, that is valid and I support you

[engbergsinfinland]

Hello everyone and happy Saturday!

We had a really nice Saturday. It started with a too-early wake-up (for a weekend, in my opinion), at 7:00, so the kids could get to their ice skating training at 8:15. It was the "far away" rink today (which is actually two rinks, totally underground -- like, a bunker!). But, we got there with plenty of time and they only had a 1-hour session today and it went well.

On the way home, we stopped at the skating shop (also a ballet and gymnastics shop, called Pirouetti) to put in an order for one of the team's skating jackets. I found another one through the WhatsApp group for their skating club; someone was selling one that her child had grown out of.

Once we got home, we had about an hour before we needed to be at a classmate's house, actually two classmates' house: siblings. One is a classmate of Rowan's (Joakim, pronounced sort of like "Yokam") and one who is a classmate of Cece's (Hertta). The kids had been invited the kids over for a hobby-horse race. It turned out that a lot of kids in school have come down with beginning-of-the-school-year cold, so it was just our kids and these two siblings. Eric and I went too, and ended up visiting with the parents the whole time; they were so gracious and wonderful and encouraged us to stay, too. We ended up being there for 4 hours! The parents have lived in the US, in North Carolina, and in China. They returned about 2 years ago. Anyway, the kids did do some hobby-horse jumping in their backyard and then they did other playing in the house -- and candy eating. It seems to be an international phenomenon ;)

After we were at their house, we went to Ikea like to pick up a couple of things: a pan lid, and then (like at Costco, where you just can't seem to leave without many more things than you planned to get) a miscelanous assortment of other items (including a set of four metal sporks for 59 Euro cents).

For, dinner I fed the kids some homemade refried beans and rice, now that I have procured pinto beans from the Mexican grocery in Helsinki! Hallelujah! I also got dried hominy and dried red chiles. There is nary a pinto bean in all of the "Tex Mex" sections of the super-abundant grocery stores in our town or other towns! I have a lot to learn about their impression of what "Tex Mex" cuisine is.

Eric and I went on a walk while with Cece while Rowan read at home. He is trying to finish the Oz series. He's on the last book that we have here, but when Alia comes in about 11 days, she's going to bring the rest of the books, which I'm going to give him for his birthday on September 9th.

There are a few things that Eric and I wanted to be sure we mentioned in this week's post. First, last night we happened upon a television show called Naked Attraction Suomi ("Suomi" is how Finnish people say "Finland," in their language). Apparently, there are other versions in Sweden and Norway. This is the most bizarre television show I've ever seen. It is a dating show with four people standing in obscured boxes where you can see them from the hips down -- and they have no clothes on! The primary contestant and the host are standing facing them, analyzing the naked bodies that they see before them.

The first episode we watched was all in Finnish and had no English subtitles. Eric said, "this is a very weird way to learn Finnish." Haha! Anyway, the bottom line of this show is that, incrementally, the other parts of these naked contestant-bodies are revealed and the main contestant then decides on one person to go on a date with. It is such a weird way to arrange a dating show and I am just not sure whether this would be something that would be viable in the American television marketplace. I can tell you that my inherited Irish Catholic prudishness was very much scandalized by such a television show!

Another thing we wanted to note was that while I was in Helsinki and the kids and Eric were back here, the kids finally got their bikes! They have been thrilled to have them.

As I noted in my last post, I was in Helsinki without the kids and Eric from Tuesday night through Thursday night. The rest of the Fulbright orientation was as exhausting as the first few days, but it was very fulfilling and I am so lucky to have been able to glean all the information from the guest speakers and the Fulbright Finland Foundation staff. We also had many university representatives, government officials, and former Fulbrighters speak to us. The settings for these talks were universities (Hanken School of Business and Aalto University), a very fancy law office (White & Case) that made me say, "wow, we are definite not in a university conference room anymore!," and the national art gallery -- plus other spots. We also had a reception at the US Ambassador's house! It was such an honor to be there, but also exhausting. My face literally hurt after so much looking interested and half-smiling and I was emotionally/mentally taxed afterwards too.

After the orientation wrapped up at Aalto University on Thursday, I went with another Fulbrighter (another Julie! She is at Oulo University this year) to the Mexican grocery, with a few graduate students along for the adventure, and then we also popped into Hakaneimen Market Hall and I went into the Rosebud Bookstore. I have got to get back to Helsinki soon; there are so many places I was hoping to get to this last week while there, but there was absolutely no time.

I will write again on Tuesday -- the day before my teaching starts! I have so much to do before then. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

[alexbkrieger13]

Same here. I went to a catholic school. I can tell you, as a lesbian it was hell. Suddenly I was "The d*ke," and the others found it funny bullying me. Even the teachers. Some acted like I was the devil.

oh that is horrific. Catholic schools are a strange place. I know there was issues of homophobia in the years above me in school but I was lucky because I fell into a 'friend' group that was very gay and my general year really didn't care. Most of the drama Once we hit 15 was like who slept with who's boyfriend and things like that.

Quite ironically the amount of classmates of mind that have come out since leaving school is actually hilarious. like 1 classmate of mine who I had a massive crush on all through secondary school gave off such massive gay vibes but declared when we were like14 that she was in herself for marriage (which I thought was hilarious in everyone around me that I was being offensive but that's a whole other story) cut to now 2023 might be the gayest looking person I've ever encountered

[eremosjournal]

When Retreats Aren't Escapes

by Luz

Yeah sure, some crazy things would happen on Confirmation retreats. 

I mean, what did you expect, taking a clusterfuck of 50+ teenagers into the forest for a weekend?

Evan and Ashley made out behind the bathrooms instead of arriving on time to the dining hall. 

Joe and Tony shared the top bunk bed that night, in the boys cabin.

3 teens didn’t get a letter from any loved ones to read on Sunday. 

You know, teenage shit.

Hormones, experimentation, absent parents. 

30 of the 50 teens “didn’t want to be there” but would be told to not have any expectations. 

As if that is even possible for humans.  

20 of the 50 teens were excited to be there, 10 of them ‘peer’ leaders, the other 10, “open”. 

Many private school kids were know-it-alls, white, and entitled.  

Marcus, Arturo, and Yesenia were deemed the ‘bad’ kids, so they got put in my small group. 

Someone please tell me why the teens that were struggling the most were labeled as ‘bad’. 

They are strong, resilient, honest.

They aren’t pretending to not feel their life,

their conditions. 

They are angry, as they should be.

Anyway. 

I am a retreat advocate, actually. 

Many would experience God’s love, light, and peace on Saturday night through Adoration. 

I’d see beautiful healing happen, year after year.

That is true. 

But you know what else teens experienced in retreat activities?

Pain. Trauma. Embarrassment. Shame. 

Homophobia, straight-laced “answers” and agendas of living as “God intended” being pushed down their 15, 16, 17 year-old throats. 

The girls went outside to talk about what they wanted in a boyfriend, and in a husband. 

The boys stayed inside to talk about what they wanted in a girlfriend, and in a wife. 

The post-it paper answers showed the differences in maturity, and the issues of this binary.

The groups came back inside and the lists were exchanged verbally from one group to the next.

I saw Joe being told to hold the microphone closer, speak louder, and tell the girls, “What I want in a wife is….”

Yesenia later told me she liked girls and so she felt she couldn’t be Catholic because it’s “wrong”. 

There was a skit that showed why you shouldn’t have sex before you are married.

You know the drill. 

The one where someone brushes their teeth and then spits into a cup. And then they have the next person also brush their teeth and spit into the same cup. And one more time, same thing. The moral of this is that the cup is getting dirtier and dirtier, and it is supposed to be a visual to the teens of how if you share yourself with more than one person, aka your spouse, you are not “clean” and you have parts of everyone else with you as well. 

As if everyone can choose when they have sex or not. Assault and rape is a real thing. 

If 1 in 3 women are subject to sexual violence every year, that means at least 15/50 girls on that retreat were sitting there, watching the spit in the cup, getting retraumatized probably. 

Sorry if you feel worse after reading this. 

We deserved better, and our young people still do.

[yaysandnays]

recovering documentation

this blog is another branch off of @ohmygodletmesignup (the other one being @amethyst-beetle ). i made this blog to document my process of recovering. i suppose this post will be my little introduction.

TW for mental illness, sh, and su!c!dal thoughts discussion

hi. i'm Calisto (Cal) or Beetle (Bee). i'm 16 years old and writing this on 4/2/2023 (or on april third if you give me a few more minutes). i'm currently trying to recover from depression, anxiety, and what i've been told is likely ptsd. i'm going to give an extremely watered down version of how i ended up with all those.

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basically, before 7th grade started (i was 12ish), my mom, sister, and i moved to a whole new place bc of a job offer my mom got. that meant i had to start a new school, and the only good schools in the area were private catholic schools. so i went to one. now i was raised some flavor of christian, so catholisim wasn't too bad for me (at first). but everything quickly went downhill.

i made one extremely toxic friend after two weeks of extreme anxiety, and she didnt help my mental health in the least. after about a year with her, i was constantly on the verge of having panic attacks. literally every single day.

then, in 8th grade, my school made an openly homophobic move. i was questioning my sexuality at the time, and this didnt help.

finally, at the end of 9th grade, we moved back to our old town where we still live today. i was 15.

finally i could actually be openly transgender (trans guy, he/him) and bisexual for the first time ever. my anxiety and depression disappeared so quickly it was shocking. but some things stuck, things i didnt even know.

it was mild at first- and i didnt even know anything was wrong. sometimes i would be walking down the hall of my new school and see someone who looked similar to someone at my old school. it would make me question things, and i wouldnt be able to figure out where i was. it was a pretty easy fix though, just a few minutes and i'd be fine.

then it got so much worse.

i was in choir, and it's a tradition we sing hallelujah every year (though since it was my first year there, i didn't know lol). so our director gives us the music, and just reading the words makes me start to bounce my leg (something that means im either energetic or anxious). then we started singing. and i couldn't handle it.

i started shaking, a lot, and i had to tell the director whilst on the verge of tears that i couldnt do it. he excused me and i spent the rest of class in another room just trying to calm myself down.

'you're safe' 'you're ok' 'you're safe i promise' is what i told myself over and over and over again.

during the concert when we got to that song, i was excused.

then my mom tried taking my sister and i to a christmas mass a few weeks later. i lasted five minutes before i had to go to the bathroom where i spent the rest of the hour sobbing through a panic attack, trying to convince myself i was ok.

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TLDR: catholic school, toxic friend, religious trauma

so that's what happened, now here's where i am.

i haven't hurt myself in over a year, maybe two now, and it's been at least a year since i've had a suicidal thought. i've found a lot of my triggers and can avoid them too, which is nice. i havent had a relgious trauma fueled panic attack in a while. i also have a therapist who listens to me.

i think it's also important i set some goals for myself too. and i think two are good for now.

write a post when i get unstable so i dont do anything bad

update this blog at least once every two weeks

i also want to make this blog for people going through the same things im going through now or went through. i promise it'll get better, and we can do it together.

[silens-oro]

NOOOOOOO WAY YOU HUNG OUT WITH THEM OMG OMG (ik you were still very young, BUT STILL) HOW COOL OMG! Please know that now you’re the coolest person I know. It’s my absolute dream meeting them, and it makes me super sad they’re more exclusive now. The closest I got was meeting Kenny, who was also in the jail scenes with Matt in the Seize The Day video. He was just roaming around the venue when I went to see them, it was the Operation Kickass Festival in San Diego. I spotted him and was super star struck because it felt like the closest I got to be to them. OH OH OH And I’m remembering! When I saw them, we were seated right by the sound system space. The stage was getting geared up for them, and during a moment, I listened to one of the engineers speaking over his walkie talkie and IT WAS MATT. I didn’t catch what he said through the static but I do remember him saying something like, ‘Gates is doing….’ And that was that lmao. But so, soo cool. The Taste of Chaos tour was the one that they filmed for their Live in the LBC right??? Yeah that setlist is amazing!! I wish they still played Second Heartbeat because that one is one of my favorites (and my favorite solos). And for the longest while, when I first listened to them (all City of Evil songs) I hadn’t looked them up or anything and thought they were an older band because of their sound. When I finally looked up live videos of them, I saw the Live in the LBC ones and I was like 😍😍😍😍 they’re so young??? AND HOT???? And was in love. But owwww man, so lucky you got to see Jimmy! I swear I’ve never cried as hard for a musician death (or ever, for that matter) and I was destroyed when that happened. Also because I felt like I was JUST getting properly obsessed with them. Dying over your computer cursor being a deathbat because I had all a7x EVERYTHING. I had an A7X backpack that was so cool, but I went to a catholic school so you can imagine the outrage I caused. And because of that same reason, I didn’t know anyone that were into them, and a7x was all I wanted to talk about all day everyday, so I used to join forums and facebook pages to meet friends. So this is really taking me back! So sorry for the hardcore fangirling and long messages but this band is my life!

Every opportunity where something wild like this happens is when I have no idea who these people are and it only turns out to be a story rather than an experience, but I guess I’ll take what I can get lol.

Thinking back on it, and seeing what I look like now, seeing them at such a young age (when I didn’t know ANYONE who looked like them) must’ve crossed some wires because I currently look like I could’ve been the sixth member of the band 🥴

It’s been so long since I’ve gushed about a band, or even spoken about this one in particular so DO NOT apologize. This is incredibly cathartic.

KENNY! My brain IMMEDIATELY brought his face front and center. My memory of him must’ve been filed away in the tiniest filing cabinet in my brain. I couldn’t tell you what I had for dinner last night, but I can tell you what this man looks like that I haven’t seen or heard about in 15 years looks like. I love when little things like the walkie moment. Those memories always stick and it’s such a cool one to have!

When Jimmy died I was devastated. Like…I’ve never mourned a family member the way I mourned him. I think that’s also one of the reasons why I fell off with them for a while. I remember listening to Fiction for the first time YEARS after the album came out and just losing it in my car when I heard his voice. It sounds so silly but they went out of their way to make themselves accessible for the fans to get to know them behind the scenes.

I’m with you with all of the A7X gear 😂 my obsession with the deathbat was wild. I was convinced I was going to get it tattooed the second I turned 18 and while that didn’t happen (thank god it would’ve been SO BAD. I know it in my heart.)…the temptation is still there 😏

I am still, to this day, really good friends with someone I met on an A7X forum on Mibba WAAAAY back in the day. Trying to scrape together crumbs of info on these dudes back then was insane. just crawling through the internet trenches. I also think they are also the reason I dipped my toes into the world of fanfiction. I never wrote at that point, but I read anything I could find and it spiraled from there.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

feels post 2522:

it was mainly a few of the popular kids that i NEVER spoke to in high school, and some other random people from my year group there, including my old group. the girl who i was closest with back in high school came.... ie the one who i ran into at uni back in 2016 who tried to tell me that i just HAD to go into teaching bc it's the only thing an english student can do...... but it turned out she HATED teaching after a few years and left (like i thought would happen from her horrible comment back then about "oh i was glad you left bc I didnt have put with your shit anymore!" and how that attitude would translate to teaching).

so i ended up going to the 10 year anniversary/reunion for the catholic school i went to for years 7 to 10, until the end of 2011; last friday at some hipster bar of the main city of my area.

i didnt bring up that uni meeting but she seemd a lot nicer, and maybe it was just the fact that we'd only been out of school for like 3 years at the time, so it was still raw. and lets be real.... i was pretty annoying with thinking i was hilarious refusing to do my work straight out in religion and sport and geography etc etc or just refusing to do it properly (eg if the assignment asked for like 800 words i'd turn in 200 words at the last minute for shits and giggles lmao)

i also talked to two boys that i'd known since kindy, and they asked why i ended up leaving and transferring to public school instead. i said it was obvs due to the uniform cost and the fees going up. one of the guys actually agreed with that, since the blazer was like $500 on top of the REST of the uniform.

then i told them about the batshit rude shit the teachers were saying to me at the time about "oh NONE of the REAL UPSTANDING CHRISTIAN MEN in your year group will EVER find you lovable and attractive unless you learn to be a good, quiet little catholic girl that never has an opinion" et al that i've reiterated over the years on here. they were HORRIFIED that the staff were telling me that shit for two years straight. their comments were like "WHAT THE FUCK??? that's some of the most fucked up shit to say to a kid!!!! a 15 to 16 YEAR OLD KID????!!!! what the actual fuck. im glad you got out." and "if i'd had that i would've left too. what the actual fuck." so it was super fucking validating after thinking for 10 years that the year group was just happy to be rid of me etc. but instead they're just as offended and hurt by those comments.

i talked to the guy that made the event on fb, and asked how it is to work in events. he said although it's good, it's a nightmare since he lives down here but he works in sydney. you leave at 6am and get home at midnight. "just get used to having no sleep lol". so that's turned me off working in events. also in general it was weird bc 10 years had passed but also it felt like they hadnt. of the bits of my group and the other people that i bounced between, it was nice seeing them. but i fell back into my role as the funny girl.... as one of the girls i used to sit with said "you're just as funny as the day that you left!" at some point i got to the dance floor with one of the guys i never talked to, and it was fun.