#can you tell I love healthy sibling relationships portrayed in media?

[booknerdmusician]

there are many things that left me utterly happy about gotg vol. 3, but one I haven't seen many people mention is that Peter refers to Mantis as his sister at least twice in the movie. Like obviously they are all a big found family and they call each other as such. But there's something about the aknowledgement of Mantis put in the same regard as Peter's grandpa on earth. Something about the fact that he considers her as well as a blood relative because they are both the children of Ego, and Ego raised Mantis to be a tool in the same manner he would've done so with Peter if he had the chance, and they were both taken advantage of by him. And despite all that they both went through because of Ego, they at least managed to find each other.

[fizzyorange-v2]

yeah you put all of my thoughts about david and william's relationship into that one post they're so tragic... i cant help but think of a different timeline where they could have been awkward brothers together, maybe one where they didn't both come from deadwood. the foreshadowing on william's part too, where in the Michael in the Bathroom parody intro from ep 32 (of all places) william sings "he's always such a bummer, he wants to trust his brother" in referring to himself. Also, the implication that everyone who comes from deadwood is messed up makes me wonder how william's parents are. maybe it has to do with the hallway of fears all the way from season 1, where william's mirror showed his father behind him with messed up eyes?

/ pd ep 33 spoilers referenced beware

Maybe in a totally different universe they could’ve had an awkward and strained but mostly healthy and normal sibling relationship. but god knows with who David is in this universe (a morally corrupt ceo) any version of William that allows himself to get close with and trust his step brother is a version that is either equally morally corrupt, very manipulated or both, and no matter what it wouldn’t be a healthy dynamic. (and that’s not really a compliant on my part, i adore fucked up and messy relationships in media lol).

Totally agree that the Michael In The Bathroom cover gave us probably one of the clearest looks into William’s psyche during this whole thing. William really did go that far because he wanted to trust his brother, and he knew if he backed out then he could lose that potential sibling relationship forever. But obviously once he realised he’d actually KILLED someone for it… the betrayal and horror overpowered that old yearning.

William’s parents have always been a source of interest to me because like… William has never said anything outwardly negative about them, but then his actions and demeanour around them always portray something slightly different. I do believe he loves and cares for his parents. But I also think the relationship there has always been kind of strained. My guess is, on top of the general David was the big shot success story William could never live up to, William was always quite distant with his family. He could always see the supernatural (something that even then made him somewhat a freak from this weird but still rural seemingly conservative leaning town) and he spent most of his time out with friends on hunts that I doubt he ever told his parents the truth of before he actually died.

His parents are canonically church goers, it would make sense that William wouldn’t want to tell them he was messing around with devilish stuff, nor that he himself was possessed in some way and able to see the dead. But then he dies, and his freakishness goes from 1 to 100 and there’s no way he can hide it now, especially not if his parents are shown his dead, lifeless body before he wakes back up in it. And maybe his parents saw this as a miracle at first, rather than the work of the devil, but either way we know from the recent rolled that William truly believes his parents see him as some freak, and I’d definitely guess the other towns people if they knew… maybe it wasn’t great for the family reputation wise in such a small town.

And there is something to the fact that, well, in the end when the monsters came for William they did just give him away to the heroes. And sure, they stayed in touch somewhat? But even then it’s one or two calls in months to years of time to your teenaged kid (though I’ll retract that if it’s implied that it was William dodging their calls… but even that leads to a point I’ll make in a bit).

But then whenever they do come back,,, even after everything they don’t seem to take William seriously. Which is very interesting. They’re often worried about him, but they don’t seem to listen to him as we saw in their recent scene where his mum got mad and had to be really persuaded to leave. They don’t seem to comprehend the severity.

They don’t understand what’s going on with him, they don’t have a clue, and I don’t think they ever really did. I think William has always been too afraid to tell them the truth about what’s going on with him (whether that was being able to see the dead, or now all the hero villain mess he’s stuck in), he’s always been afraid of them seeing him like a freak, them no longer loving him. And so he keeps it a secret and he keeps it away from them and he distances himself the best he can. He’d probably argue that it’s to keep them safe, but I think he’s mostly protecting his own heartbreak of them finding out “who he really is” and rejecting him. I think that’s his big fear, and it’s a fear he’s carried around with him since even before his first death.

So while I don’t think his parents are,,, necessarily malicious. I think they’ve definitely fucked up with William. I don’t think they ever made him feel safe enough to be himself around them. I don’t think they’ve ever been there for William when he really needed. And I don’t think they’ve ever known who their son was. But then they still act like they know best for him, they still play the concerned parents. And I think they genuinely believe they do know and want what’s best for William. But the issue there is… they don’t know who William is, and they haven’t for a really long time.

David left too, y’know? He also got the hell out deadwood as soon as he could. He also talked to (and bonded with) William over their clear joint disliking of that place. And I wonder if his parents are oblivious to how much their kids hated where they grew up, if they’re just oblivious to all of the weirdness of deadwood. Why they chose to live and stay there in the first place. They still live there to this day!

I don’t know,,, I have a lot of thoughts about the wisp-bell family and all the mess and dysfunction there. I didn’t even really get into the religious trauma of it all, which is likely a strong part of why William felt the need to hide and distance himself from his parents,,, but yeah I’ll stop rambling for now lol

[crymeariveronceagain]

If I can add on to the writing siblings thing, yeah. I like seeing healthy sibling relationships in media and stuff. I don’t really have a healthy relationship with my own sibling, like a lot of people, but I know that that’s not how it’s supposed to be and is in my case mostly a result of poor circumstances. I think healthy sibling relationships are nice, though. No one wants to live with a person who fills them with dread, and I don’t think that’s something that should be glorified. Is that too much information?? I’m sorry if it is, I just wanted to say that yes I agree.

oh, no, don't worry about too much information.

And yes, I totally agree that as much as I'd love it if all siblings were good to each other, I know that that is not always the case. Some people really do not have good relationships with their siblings, and that's just a reality. But so often in media, toxic relationships with your siblings are portrayed as good or normal and that's what makes me go hmph. Because just like how not everyone has good relationships with their parents, not everyone has good relationships with their siblings, but that doesn't mean it's good or normal.

I think a lot of writers have romanticized being mean to your siblings, and I really think it's kind of sad. You deserve a sibling who's always got your back.

Of course, this does not mean that siblings don't fight and bicker and make each other's lives absolute hell once in a while, I know mine sure did, but at the end of the day, I know we'd fight for each other and with each other. We're a little army of people who would kill anyone and everyone who tried to hurt us.

For me, this all comes out when I write fics about Fitz and Biana, or Tam and Linh. I try and make their relationships based on how I have my relationships with my siblings. Sometimes you just don't understand your siblings, sometimes they do their best but don't do it right. Sometimes they call you names, sometimes they tell you to shut up, sometimes they're jerks. But when I write good siblings, they've got your back.

I know not everyone has a good relationship with their siblings, and I think that absolutely sucks. You deserve a good relationship with your siblings, and if you don't have one, I'm sorry they're not people you can count on. <3 You deserve a family worth being around

[aster-ion]

Sylvie x Loki Might Not Happen and Here’s Why

***SPOILERS FOR LOKI TV SHOW***

1.  They are basically siblings

Even though they have different personalities, backstories, and physical appearances, that doesn't change the fact that they are the genetic equivalent of siblings. No matter what Timeline you're looking at, both Sylvie and Loki are the offspring of Laufey and whoever he had children with. We know this because they are Variants of the exact same person, meaning that if either of them were born to someone other than Laufey, they would have been pruned as a baby. And since they weren't, that means they must be just as genetically similar as siblings are.

Because of this, the idea of Sylvie and Loki engaging in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship is extremely disturbing to a lot of fans. It's too big an oversight to brush past, especially when the show has continued to remind us over and over that they are, in fact, both Lokis. Maybe if them being the same person wasn't such a major plot point, it would be easier to ignore the facts, but it is, and that means that Marvel is basically pushing either an incest or selfcest (depending on how you look at it) type relationship. And that’s extremely risque for a corporation as large as Marvel, especially with a character as beloved by fans as Loki. 

2.  It is terrible LGBTQ+ representation

And before anyone says anything, no, it is not because Sylvie is portrayed as female and Loki as male. I've seen a lot of Sylvie x Loki shippers say that the reason people don't like the couple is due to it being one between a male and female, but that's not true. Loki and Sylvie were both confirmed to be bisexual, meaning that they can engage in a relationship with anyone of any gender. It would be completely valid for either of them to pursue romance with someone of a different sex and still be bisexual. No one is arguing against that, and if they are, I definitely do not agree with them.

However, the problem comes in when you take into account Marvel and Disney's (who owns Marvel) long history of queerbaiting. There have been countless times that Disney advertises their "first gay character!" only for it to be a single line of dialogue or a brief shot. Marvel in particular has used the popularity of certain LGBTQ+ ships and headcanons in their fanbase to generate media popularity that they don't actually follow through with in their movies/shows. So when Loki was confirmed to be both genderfluid and bisexual in Episode Three, lots of people felt like they were finally getting a win for representation. 

But those people, myself included, appear to have been let down again. The first two official queer characters had so much potential to go off and be with anyone they wanted, but instead, the show has set them up to be in a romance with each other. Now, this wouldn't be problematic on it's own, but when you take into consideration the questionable nature of their romance from Point One as well as the fact that the show has explicitly referred to it as "twisted," it raises the question of whether or not this is actually good representation. Because the fact is, in one episode the writers went “look, it’s two queer people!” and in the next, they said “their relationship is disgusting and demented.” Marvel’s first bisexual characters being borderline incestuous/selfcestuous does not sit well with me at all.

All of this is made even more confusing when you take into account the background of the Loki crew, most notably, the director Kate Herron. She also directed the Netflix series Sex Education, which has quite a bit of very well done representation of all kinds. So how is she managing to fail so badly on this project? It makes me wonder whether she truly is just losing her touch or if this is all a misdirection. Personally, I'm hoping for the latter.

3.  It does not send the "self love" message people seem to think it does

The writers, director, and cast of Loki have said multiple times that the relationship between Sylvie and Loki is meant to act as a metaphor for self love. And in a way, that makes a lot of sense. Despite creating different identities for themselves over time, they are still ultimately the same person and therefore share a special bond because of it. And there's a lot of potential that can be done with that concept.

Loki is an extremely complex and intriguing character. He has experienced a lot of trauma in his past that has shaped him into the person he is today. And that person is clearly very broken. He has never given away or received any kind of love, with the exception of his mother and possibly his brother, Thor. Other than that, he's had no healthy friendships, romances, or perception of himself. It makes sense for him to be confused by this pull he feels towards Sylvie, who is both alarmingly alike and vastly different from himself.

Something this series does exceptionally well is breaking Loki out of his comfort zone. He is finally forced to see himself from other people's perspectives. It started with the file Mobius showed him in the first episode. Loki was able to view his actions apart from himself, and was hit with the realisation that he had been hurting people, and he didn't like that. 

Loki is also confronted by the existence of the Time Keepers and the TVA, who describe him as an antagonist and nothing more. To them, his role is to make those around him look better, even if that means he repeatedly gets the short end of the stick. Mobius mentions that he disagrees with this and that Loki "can be whoever and whatever he wants, even someone good," adding another layer of depth as to who Loki could be in the future of the series. 

Another huge moment for Loki's character development is while in the Time Loop Prison with Sif. Though he starts out annoyed with the situation and recalls not feeling apologetic when he cut off Sif's hair, the longer he is in the loop, the more he changes. Loki admits things to himself that we have never seen him say aloud, such as the fact that he is a narcissist that craves attention. Sif telling Loki over and over that he deserves to be alone makes Loki question whether or not he believes that to be true, allowing him an introspective moment where he really has to think about who he is. 

Now with all of that being said, I'd like to tie in why this is important to the writing of Loki and Sylvie. They act as a mirror to one another, representing both the flaws and strengths of "what makes a Loki a Loki." For once, Loki gets an honest, unbiased look at himself without layers of expectations or self doubt. On Lamentis, he calls Sylvie "amazing" and praises her for all her accomplishments. That's a huge moment for him because it shows that despite also finding her irritating, he can look past those traits and see someone worth being a hero underneath. And through that realisation, he begins to understand that he can also grow to love himself. That kind of character development for Loki is incredible to watch, and it's the kind of character development I want to see from this series. Unfortunately, them possibly engaging in a romantic relationship will ruin it.

Whenever I'm feeling insecure about myself and my abilities, the solution has never been to look at who I am through a romantic lens. Self love is an entirely different type of love from romantic love, so if the series tries to push this relationship as a romance, it will fail to truly represent the arc that they are trying to show.

4.  Nobody likes it 

This one's a little on the nose, but it's true. Almost no one likes this ship, and more than that, most people actively hate it. Yes, there is a small minority that like Loki and Sylvie together, but there is an overwhelmingly larger group that is disgusted and angry by the fact that the show paired them up.

After Episode 4 aired, I ranted for about an hour and a half with a friend about how much we didn't want them together. My aunt whom I have never texted reached out to me to say that she hated their relationship. My homophobic neighbour came over and told me that she would prefer any other romance to this. Friends that I haven't talked to much since school let out for summer have all agreed that they collectively dislike Loki x Sylvie. This ship has brought people together purely because everyone hates it more than they hate each other.

There is no denying that the general feedback for Loki and Sylvie being a couple has been negative, even if you support them getting together for some reason. So if there are so many people out there who don't like it, I'm confused as to how it would be approved by a team of professionals.

5.  The contradicting information we have gotten so far

Before the release of Episode Four, Kate Herron said that the relationship between Loki and Sylvie was “not necessarily romantic.” During the interview, she continued to refer to them as friends and people who found solace and trust in each other.

However, after Episode Four, the head writer, Michael Waldron, and other members of the crew spoke up about Sylvie and Loki. They said things like “it just felt right that that would be Loki’s first real love story” and “these are two beings of pure chaos that are the same person falling in love with one another.” These kinds of comments very heavily imply something romantic, directly contradicting what Kate Herron said. Even Tom Hiddleston, the actor for Loki, has assessed the situation, highlighting the differing viewpoints. He’s also said before that the end of Episode Four ultimately has Loki getting in his own way. 

Now, this could all just be a misdirection on either side to build suspense for the show, but as of right now, it is entirely unclear who is telling the truth. Though it is more likely that the statements made by Michael Waldron are more accurate (as he is the writer), there is still a slight possibility that Loki x Sylvie won’t happen. I’ll link the articles I’ve found on this topic below so you can read them and decide for yourself. 

Kate Herron Statement - https://www.cbr.com/loki-sylvie-relationship-not-romantic/ 

Michael Waldron Statement - https://www.marvel.com/articles/tv-shows/loki-sylvie-in-love 

Tom Hiddleston Statement - https://thedirect.com/article/loki-tom-hiddleston-sylvie-romance 

6.  It is still salvageable

The odds are not in our favour, I’m afraid. It is highly probable that the show will put Loki and Sylvie in a romantic relationship with each other. Yet there is still a way to salvage it and turn their bond into something incredibly satisfying. Like I mentioned in Point Three, the relationship between Loki and Sylvie has the potential to be incredibly empowering and provide both characters some much-needed growth. And I believe that while unlikely, it can still do that. 

The only mention of them being romantically interested in each other came from Mobius, who at the time was angry, betrayed, and doing anything he could to get Loki to talk. Then, at the end of the episode, right before Loki is about to confess something important to Sylvie, he is pruned. This results in no explicit confirmation from either Loki or Sylvie that they are in love with each other. The audience is left not knowing whether Mobius was correct in his speculations, and honestly, I don’t think Loki knows either.

Loki is no expert on love, as I explained earlier. It is entirely possible that he doesn’t grasp how he feels about Sylvie and defaults to romance because of what Mobius said. There is undoubtedly some sort of deep bond forming between them, and I would love to see that being explored in the next two episodes. I would love to watch Loki’s journey of realising that he doesn’t want anything romantic with Sylvie, and was simply confused by the new things he was feeling towards her. Loki even says “this is new for me” when talking to Sylvie at the end of Episode Four. Him momentarily believing that he wants to be a couple with her then shifting into them becoming friends who help each other grow is still a reality that could happen. And ultimately, I think that would benefit them both as characters as well as strengthen the overall message of the show.

In a show about self love, acceptance of yourself, and figuring out who you want to be, Loki very much needs people who support him. He has that in Mobius already, and now he’s beginning to have it in Sylvie as well. I just hope that it is done in a way that resonates with the audience and subverts expectations, which just cannot be done through some twisted romantic relationship. I’ve spoken to others watching the show and seen people talking online, and everyone seems to agree that Loki and Sylvie work much better as platonic soulmates or found family than a couple. 

Of course, my hopes aren’t that high up. While I’d love for this to happen, I’ve been let down by Marvel before and wouldn’t be surprised if they went for the easy route of pairing characters up rather than dealing with the emotions correctly. Still, I have hope for this series. Everything else about it is wonderful and perfect in every way. It has the potential to become a masterpiece and easily the best thing that Marvel has ever done. However, this romance would ruin it for me and so many others. We already feel incredibly disappointed by Loki x Sylvie being suggested, so I can’t even begin to fathom how people will react if the show makes it canon. I’m begging Marvel to please do better than this. They have a wonderful story to tell and a wonderful team to do it, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that they don’t throw that away. 

[fountainpenguin]

Not to fangirl over Chloe Carmichael on main, but-

This anxiety-ridden sweetheart means a lot to me and sometimes I cry about how she needs to distance herself more from her controlling, privacy-violating parents as an adult, and yet I know she will NOT.

All the glimpses of Inner Chloe freaking out while she struggles not to show it on the outside really speak to me. Bless Timmy for staying by her side FOR AN HOUR while she came down from her panic despite the fact he saw her as more of an annoyance than a close friend at this point in the season.

But I cannot get over the fact that Chloe is so good at hiding her breakdowns that her own parents will walk out of the room not realizing something is wrong and that’s just... part of canon. It shatters me, but I love the way Chloe goes from “I’m finally going to have a sleepover!” to “I miscalculated one thing and my life may as well be over.”

I just really love watching her struggle with her parents’ beliefs. This girl’s got PROBLEMS, man! She’s skilled in so many talents because her parents deliberately taught her those things from a young age so they could leave her to take care of herself 80% of the time. They micromanage her private life and try to cut her from her friends, and they regularly leave on trips (including trips to other countries) without saying goodbye or giving any warning.

Sometimes I see media portrayals of Perfectionist Kids where it’s verbally stated that parents put pressure on their child and the kid wishes they wouldn’t, and that’s as deep as it goes. I love how blatant and long-lasting and layered it is with Chloe. Her discomfort with being “bad” isn’t portrayed as her simply telling other characters “I can’t do that or my parents will be disappointed.” Her perfectionism is shown in ways like how she cuts herself off from everyone while trying to focus on studying... That horribly unbalanced work/fun ethic of hers. That “I do not deserve to rest until I have done 90% of The Thing and by that point I may as well just do 100% of The Thing” mindset.

I just love her moments like this-

-where she yells “Cosmo and Wanda are staying here and we’re going to have a super fun night full of good choices!”

Has she ever had a sleepover before? Probably not, and we know her parents wouldn’t let Timmy stay over if you paid them. Sneaking this sleepover with two people who can talk to her must be a dream come true. The emphasis on “Good choices” of course implies “good” is incredibly important to her, and that at this point of the season, she didn’t consider Timmy someone “full of good choices.”

YES, Chloe was created as a foil for Timmy, who by Season 10 is used to getting whatever he wants at the snap of his fingers, so of course she’s going to look like the good girl in comparison, but her over-the-top perfectionism is played to be just as negative and harmful as his habit of slacking off. Timmy and Chloe aren’t meant to be a contrast of “good” and “bad”... They’re a contrast of too much work vs. too much play. They’re two alienated kids finding strength in one another as they grow.

I really like “Booby Trapped” because this is the episode where Timmy finally starts unpacking why Chloe is so high-strung... and he takes a stand against her parents in a heartbeat when she’s too paralyzed to stand up for herself.

It’s just... Very good. I live for these fairy step-siblings supporting one another.

Chloe went from literally plugging her ears and shouting “La la la, I’m not listening, my parents are amazing!” to the smack-in-the-face realization that her parents aren’t perfect in less than 24 hours and I think that’s beautiful. And she struggles with that for the rest of the season... She still clings to that idea of being vegetarian even though she starts experimenting with pepperoni pizza under her parents’ radar. She starts unlearning her perfectionism and learning healthy ways to unwind and be a kid again. She stands up to her parents when they tell her to chain herself to a tree all day instead of joining Timmy at the carnival. I mean, she even BREAKS INTO TIMMY’S HOUSE AT NIGHT TO STEAL A TOY and technically? Character development.

I find it entertaining that when Chloe first came into Timmy’s life, her energetic enthusiasm was pretty draining for him, and he spends the season learning to be more accepting of her big extroverted personality while she spends it learning to tone herself down to the comfort level of an introvert like him. They start off at odds but they actively work to mend their relationship and meet halfway.

Chloe helps Timmy get his head out of the house and his secrets, and he helps her overcome her fears and decide who she wants to be... kind of the same way Cosmo and Wanda helped him.

^^^ Growth.

Chloe’s not the type of person who will ever cut her parents out of her life for good... She doesn’t have it in her. But I hope as an adult she stops internalizing what they say so much. Probably won’t, probably will feel immense guilt every time they critique her for the rest of her life... but I think if she didn’t have Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda supporting her during this tough, anxiety-ridden time of her life, her adulthood would be a whole lot more miserable.

I just find Chloe very interesting and watching this sweet gal develop was worth all of Season 10′s grievances to me thank you for your time

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

(2/2) especially given that the first thing i shipped once i knew what shipping was comes from the realm of daytime soaps, where people are betraying and backstabbing each other constantly lol. for me, i think it comes down to framing. if the show frames a pairing as abusive/toxic, i can deal with it a lot better than with fandoms and shows that romanticize it or sweep it under the rug. that, and of course, chemistry, is a big part of the reason i hate ships like c$ but can enjoy a pairing (2/3)

So, Tumblr ate some of your asks again (damn this hellsite lol) but we spoke on PM’s and you explained that in your other asks, you discussed toxic/dark ships, asked me what makes a dark ship work for me and the darkest ship I’ve ever shipped. You also said that some of the toxic ships you like such as Todd/Blaor and Joker/Harley work for you because of the framing of those ships.

I want to start off by saying, thank you so much for this ask. It’s such an interesting topic to discuss and I feel like it’s very relevant in fandom. There’s this hysteria around “abusive”, “toxic” and “dark” ships with people misusing or misunderstanding those words. I briefly discussed this previously in an ask I recieved about Stelena being abusive, which you can read here if you’re interested.

Overall, I think dark ships are brilliant because when they’re done correctly they can be the most intruiging, complex, authentic and gripping relationships in television. There’s no getting around the fact that love is tricky and complicated, and it can lead people down dark paths. Also, everyone has their issues, insecurities and scars, which often bleed into their relationships. So it’s only right that these sort of relationships should be portrayed in the media.

I feel very much the same as you about what makes a dark/toxic ship work for me. It’s all about the way that it’s portrayed and written. I can’t ship a dark or toxic ship when it’s romanticised or when the toxicity is glossed over or ignored, which is the case with ships like Ross/Rachel (Friends), Damon/Elena (The Vampire Diaries), Spike/Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer - although my only qualms with this ship are in season 7, I actually think they were well written in season 6), Edward/Bella (Twlight) and many more. I have a particular issue with this because I think of all the young people that watch or read about these kind of relationships and aspire to have them and it concerns me. In my opinion, nobody should aspire to have a relationship like any of the ones I’ve just named or any other like them. 

Dark ships work for me when they’re authentic and realistic. These types of relationships are intense and passionate, but they’re also exhausting and very detrimental to the people involved. So when I see a ship like this I expect to see that. I expect to see the consequences, to see the people change as a result of the relationship and be pushed to the extremes. I’ve discussed this previously in response to an ask about Delena which you can read here (be warned, it is anti-Delena). In that ask, I use Jax and Tara as an example of a toxic ship that works, and I stand by that. What makes Jax and Tara work so well as a toxic ship is that it’s constantly acknowledged and we see the devastating impact their relationship has on both of them, but Tara in particular. Yet with ships such as Damon/Elena or Emma/Hook, all I ever see is their love being glorified and romanticised. 

I have to admit, I don’t have a tendency to ship dark ships. I’d say the only ships that I have that could fall into this category are Cook/Effy (Skins), Damon/Katherine (The Vampire Diaries), Dexter/Debra (Dexter), Ben/Callum (Eastenders) and Henry/Anne (The Tudors). There may be others, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head. There are different reasons as to why I still ship these couples despite them being dark and/or toxic. I’m going to analyse these ships one by one. Feel free to skip over this, because it’s going to be long and I’m literally just using this as the perfect excuse to talk about some of my favourite ships lol.

Cook and Effy (Skins)

I’ve spoken pretty in-depth about Cook and Effy being toxic and bad for each other previously. However, I’ll do it again because there are little things that I missed from my previous meta. Cook and Effy are toxic for one another at points, and this stems from the fact that as individuals they have a lot of issues and they use each other as a buffer for those issues. The reason they enter into a sexual relationship in season 3 is because they both use sex as way to deal with the disconnect they feel with others, but also because Cook wants to get one over on Freddie and Effy wants to deny her feelings for Freddie. As a result, they both unintentionally hurt each other. Cook knows that Effy is using him, but he allows it to happen which feeds into Effy’s pain about Freddie, whilst simuetanously causing himself pain, because he has genuine feelings for Effy. Their communication throughout season 3 is poor and they’re rarely honest with each other. Cook knows that Effy is in love with Freddie, but neither of them address this and it causes them both a lot of hurt. They also use each other as an escape. They run away together at the end of season 3; Effy to get away from Freddie and Cook because he wants to pursue the fantasy that he and Effy are going to live happily ever after. Although Effy willingly stays with Cook during that time, he does take her away from her home and loved ones and isolates her to an extent, because he wants to pursue this fantasy by any means necessary. He knows Effy doesn’t love him the way he loves her, but he goes into denial because he’d rather live a lie than lose her.

In season 4, when Effy finally admits her feelings for Freddie and gets into a relationship with him, she continues to cause Cook pain because she never validates his love for her. Instead, she ridicules and belittles him for it and downplays their relationship. When he tells her he still loves her, she tells him to piss off and later on she tells him that he was never good for her. Instead of admitting that what they had was real, but that she simply loved Freddie more, she makes Cook feel stupid as though what they had meant nothing. This leads to Cook once again going into denial. When Effy is suffering from mental illness and appears to not remember him, he plays along with her because it enables him to be with her, even if just for a short time.

The reason I’m still able to ship Cook and Effy is because despite the toxicity, there’s an equality present in their relationship. Everything that happens between them is mutual. Cook loves Effy but he never actively manipulates, coerces or pressures her to be with him in any way. In fact, he respects and accepts that she loves Freddie even though it hurts him. Effy hurts Cook by undermining their love, but excluding the one occassion where she tells him to piss off, she respects him and treats him with kindness. Cook and Effy never purposefully hurt each other or try to keep each other harm. The hurt they do cause each other is more an extension of their individual issues which have a knock on effect when it comes to their relationship. It’s not their relationship that’s toxic, it’s them as individuals. But also, the narrative never portrays Cook and Effy as being anything other than they are. We see the detrimental impact of their relationship and we hear Effy admit that they were bad for each other and would’ve never worked.

Damon and Katherine (The Vampire Diaries)

Once again, I have discussed Damon and Katherine’s relationship in-depth over at my writing side-blog, so don’t need to go into too much detail. I don’t think any explanation is needed here as to why Damon and Katherine are toxic. From the moment Katherine meets Damon she uses him for her own amusement, she sleeps with Damon and his brother at the same time without any regard for Damon’s feelings, controls every aspect of their relationship to suit her, fakes her death and lets Damon think she’s dead for over a century, continually plays with Damon’s feelings to get the reaction she wants, is continually dismissive of his love for her and rubs the fact that she loves Stefan in Damon’s face. And that’s just the aspects of their relationship that are toxic from Katherine’s side. Damon’s love for Katherine is so consuming that he goes to terrible lengths to be with her and when she rejects him resorts to violence and cruelty.

But again, the reason I’m able to ship them is because Damon and Katherine opearate on a level playing field. At the start of their relationship when Damon is human, Katherine definitley has an upper hand, but later on it’s tit for tat. They both hurt and manipulate each other, and in fact, they almost thrive on it. It’s part of how they communicate and relate to one another. Over the years, their feelings for each other become so twisted that they can’t express their love in the correct way anymore. Most importantly, just like with Cook and Effy, the narrative never strays from what Damon and Katherine are. They’re not true love, they’re not good for each other, they’re not healthy or a love to aspire to have. They’re profoundly connected and have a dark, twisted and complex history which is underlined with love but that manifests itself in often awful ways.

Dexter and Debra (Dexter)

These two are by far the darkest and most controversial ship I’ve ever shipped. As adopted siblings, there’s an incestious nature to the relationship which immediately creates toxcity in their relationship, but as individuals Dexter and Debra are both really messed up. Dexter is a self-proclaimed psychopath and serial killer, and Debra endures a lot of trauma throughout the series which deeply impacts her. Dexter and Debra have such an unhealthy and co-dependent relationship, it’s actually kinda crazy. Dexter lies to Debra and keeps an entire aspect of himself and his life a secret, he kills for Debra, he fails to validate or understand her feelings for him and he emotionally blackmails her. Debra lies and compromises her entire identity and morals to protect Dexter’s secret of being a serial killer, she murders an innocent woman to protect him and harbours a wanted criminal for him. Dexter and Deb will quite literally do anything to protect each other, but the result is devastating. You only have to watch Deb in season 8 to see just how damaging and toxic her relationship with Dexter is to her. Dexter and her love for him quite literally destroys her.

So it begs the question how and why do I ship these two? Well, the answer is the same as always: because the narrative doesn’t portray them as anything other than exactly what they are. Their relationship and Deb’s feelings for Dexter are completely fucked up and we’re told and shown that repeatedly. They’re not romanticised in any way, if anything they’re written in a way that would make most fans and viewers despise their relationship, particularly the romantic aspect of it. The show is true to them as individual characters and the toxicity of their relationship is authentic and understandable. I’ve briefly spoke about this previously, but Dexter and Debra’s relationship is supposed to be completely messed up because it’s an extension of them. Dexter, in particular, is damaged beyond repair and destroys everything he touches. Debra is part of that. Likewise, her falling for him makes perfect sense in the context of what she endures. Deb is a naturally self-destructive and self-loathing person, and loving Dexter is the biggest act of self-destruction she could ever enter into. In my opinion, of all the dark ships I have, Dexter and Debra are the perfect example of it being done right. They’re so dark and they love each other so much, but every step of the way the toxicity of their relationship is acknowledged and explored properly.

Ben and Callum (Eastenders)

I love Ben and Callum so much, and as far as they’ve come in their relationship, I can’t help but see the toxicity of it. In the beginning, Callum was unsure of his sexuality, was extremely closeted and carried a lot of internalised homophobia and self-hatred. This impacted on his relationship with Ben who had struggled with the same issues and didn’t want to return to that sad, lonely and miserable place. Callum’s relationship with Whitney and inability to admit his feelings for Ben made Ben feel rejected, sidelined and frustrated. At the same time this was going on, Ben’s issues of being afraid to love and let someone in after his ex was murdered, meant that he was unable to be completely open to Callum. By the time Callum was ready to come out and embrace his feelings for Ben, Ben was scared and backed away from Callum. Since the two have entered into a relationship, there’s been so much hurt and so much back and fourth. Ben is so afraid of hurting Callum and bringing harm to him, that he constantly pushes him away. The issue is that whether they’re together or not, Callum and Ben get hurt simply by loving each other. When Ben breaks up with Callum or pushes him away, they’re both heartbroken and long to be together again. But when Ben and Callum are together, their differences causes issues, and Ben’s actions put Callum in awful positions. Callum’s been forced to keep an innocent man’s murder a secret (he wasn’t really dead, but Callum didn’t know that), and now Callum’s been kidnapped and beaten, his life threatened, because of Ben’s actions. Ben has gone to extremes to save Callum including holding a gun to his own dad’s head and threatening to pull the trigger.

Unlike the other ships I’ve already discussed, the reason I’m still able to ship Ben and Callum isn’t because the narrative acknowledges they’re toxic for each other. It does acknowledge it, but the main reason I’m able to ship them is because none of the hurt they bring to each other is ever intentional. The hurt that Callum caused Ben before they were together was something he couldn’t control. He couldn’t force himself to come out and break up with Whitney. He had to come to terms with it in his own time and come out when he was good and ready. Likewise, Ben never intentionally hurts Callum. He does everything he can to protect him. Sure, he makes mistakes in trying to protect him, but all he ever wants is the best for Callum. A lot like Cook and Effy, the toxicity of Ben and Callum’s relationship doesn’t come from their relationship itself, but them as individuals. More specifically, Ben. Ben’s lifestyle, choices and actions have a detrimental impact on him and everyone around him (the mother of his child was also kidnapped not too long ago), including Callum.

Henry/Anne (The Tudors)

These two are a weird pairing to analyse, since they’re technically a real-life historical couple, but I’ll obviously be discussing them purely from a fictional stand-point and how they’re portrayed on The Tudors.

Henry and Anne are toxic as hell. Their relationship develops because Anne’s father uses her as a pawn to seduce Henry for the benefit of his own political career. Henry is also married to Katherine when their romantic relationship develops, so there’s infidelity and lies involved. Henry pursues Anne and although she falls for him, she actually has little agency in the early days. She’s told to entertain Henry and play on his attraction to her by her father, and later on, she has to submit to Henry because he’s the King of England. As the King of England, Henry has more power than any person should ever have and his arrogance and self righteousnous means that he’s more than happy to play on his power and use it to his advantage, even where Anne is concerned.

In the early stages of their relationship, considering the type of person he is, Henry is reasonably generous and gentle when it comes to Anne. He respects her, he listens to her and she has a voice in the relationship to a greater extent than Katherine did. But the moment that Anne challenges him or speaks out of turn, he shuts her down and forecfully reminds her that he’s the one with the power. He tells her to shut up and endure like her betters before her and he threatens her by telling her he can bring her down as quickly as he raised her. When she miscarries, he makes her feel that she’s a failed as a wife, mother and queen. He makes her feel embarassed, ashamed, anxious and unloved; the exact opposite of how she should feel during such a traumatic and painful time. Things only get worse when he proceeds to cheat on her whilst she’s pregnant. And we all know how this relationship ends. There are a lot of toxic ships out there but very few who actually kill their significant other, so Henry and Anne take the top spot for that alone. 

The question arises again, why do I ship this? And it’s because a) they have amazing chemistry b) the ups and downs in the relationship are portrayed fantastically c) you visibly see the downfall of Anne as a result of her love for Henry. Anne is destroyed, both metaphorically and literally, by her relationship with Henry. None of the bad aspects of their relationships are ever masked or ignored, they’re laid bare, but we see that despite how bad they are for each other, they have a deeply intense and passionate love which neither of them can fight against.

So if you’ve read all of that, I guess I’d say that when it comes to dark/toxic ships, they don’t always work for me. I take them on their individual merit. Sometimes they work and other times they don’t. It all depends on how they’re written and portrayed, and how their relationship develops overtime

[katzirra]

I kinda have to laugh sometimes at shit I see people say about writing on kids shows being too predictable or obvious...??

Like... Remember. You are not the target audience, and these days any motion for representation isn't to please upper age brackets....it's to 'normalize' things that kids spend their life internalizing because it's never shown to be 'okay' mm. But even still, it's parents doing the damage....??

When I was a kid I knew something was different, I knew by 12 I was gay and I brought it up to my mom easily six or seven times until she finally got it a few years ago... Her reaction is what caused issues. Media I took in, didn't sway that. But kids questioning their emotions and seeing same sex love, it can at least answer that thought; no, nothing is wrong with you.

But the way adult fans act about kid's cartoons gets under my skin so much because what do you people WANT - Actually that's a thing too, adults are so on about healthy relationships, but still favor enemies to lovers tropes to an unsettling degree sometimes?? A lot of times with hostility never settling away either????? It falls in the boys will be boys thing for me a lot when I see it portrayed and it's...NO good for me...

But...i don't know what people expect..?? Kids don't want big declarations and focus on stuff..? An exchange of words or a kiss is about as much as I feel kids...want usually. Even still kids are really weird about kissing anyway?? Like... My nephew is the demographic I'm talking about actually. He gets really awkward when even his parents kiss, or seeing it in movies he gets really shy and it's precious.

When I explained being gay to my nieces and nephews when I introduced my girlfriend they understood fine. Kids don't need....this weird spoonfed thing I keep seeing people act like they need in a show to prove something. It's not a crusade for kids, it's a crusade for you anymore how it's being done...

People on this website are so weird about understanding media restrictions, IP laws, entertainment company shit etc... Shit is wild. The effort is cool because rep is important to making shit stop seeming.....taboo. To bring it to the table as topic, but not defining something BY it?? That's the kicker. People complain if you build around a subject, but people also bitch if you ysethe topic like a glaze.... There's no winning honestly lol!!

Like people are so weird about things?? While I can see where people my age say things they do at times, kids like wrapped up stories. Kids like... Happy endings..... I don't understand why that's a bad thing to see happen on a kid's show. I don't understand a lot of the over dramatic freaking out either though honestly.

Like?? Saying you don't want an ending your little sibling predicted because show context and scenes that show the writers are getting the basic idea across is so fucking weird to me...?

You can expect more from a show that performs above its target audience but....you're not the target audience... Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some of the show and topics because it doesn't feel good with the knowledge of the target audience?

Like love shouldn't make you whole, you should love yourself and others will follow. Friendship is a good topic to pound into especially about becoming your own person andaccepting help etc - I could wax on about a lot of thoughts I have about the potential ending 'topics' and how it effects the whole narrative journey for characters and rep, and what I think it positive aims for from whatever way it's spun, but...I?? People are wild, man.

I think most kids media ends with like the guy getting the girl, because it's a simple happy ending. Kids wanna see the hero get what they deserve. To be happy. If that's getting the girl and being a hero? Hell yeah. It's something a kid can feel good about. Kids want answers. Kids want tied uo with a bow usually. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen my nephews play open ended games and are left really bothered by it. My one nephew has issues with open ended stories actually. He gets really bothered and frustrated because how his brain processes stuff. But a story ending as it nornally does in formula, he can connect the dots and go oh I get it.

I don't get why people shit on everything for kids not appealing to their adult expectations. I've stopped plenty of times to be like yikes that a bit dark for a kid's show, or to try and relate it to my cartoons growing up, I had Batman though so thats as dark as I can relate tbh...

Kids cartoons are a weird thing anymore but christ, stop getting mad that things are predictable or seem to be headed in a way that kids can pick up on the context clues. Kids wanna see happy things.... If it's cliche? Let it be.

[violet--minds-blog]

Awesome Queer Media to Check Out!

Piper Gibson | March 20, 2017

Sorry for the absence (school is kicking my ass but what else is new) but I’m back with another list! This time, I’m cataloging some of my favorite pieces of media with LGBTQ+ characters and plotlines. Of course, nothing is perfect, and all these shows/books/movies/etc. have their problems, but I still think they’re pretty damn cool.

1. Check, Please!

What is it: A webcomic

Who makes it: Ngozi Ukazu 

Why you should read it: Queer boys who play hockey! Lots of pie! Discussions of mental illness and drug abuse! An ensemble cast! Comedy and drama in one! Slow-burn, healthy, communicative, gay relationship!! Confirmed happy gay ending!!! Most of my friends know that I love this comic with my whole heart, and it’s really easy to see why. There’s a character in it for everyone, and they’re all easy to relate to and care about. Personally, I relate so hard to Jack having anxiety and trying to navigate his life and career in the intersection of being mentally ill and queer. No spoilers, but this comic includes the best queer relationship I’ve ever seen portrayed. Don’t get discouraged by the hockey-- I knew nothing about the sport going in and it really doesn’t stop you from enjoying the comic at all! Currently in Bitty’s third year and gearing up for more spring updates, Check, Please is a master of storytelling and will make you laugh and cry. Read it here!

2. The Get Down

What is it: A Netflix Original series

Who makes it: dir. Baz Luhrmann

Why you should watch it: Almost the entire cast are people of color, it’s set in the 1970s and focuses on both the dying out of disco and the arising hip-hop scene, and the performances are incredible. You see this world through young Zeke’s eyes, a complex and talented kid looking to be a part of something bigger than himself and for a community to fall back on. No matter what’s going on, the story never lets you forget these characters are in the middle of the South Bronx in the seventies, fighting for a way out of poverty, strict religious family, or gangs, all while holding on to their passions. The music and the performances of these young actors are what sold me immediately. The queer relationship in it (I won’t spoil it) is lovely and gentle and blooms very naturally. The story, the characters, and the music are the focus, and if you’re like me, you’ll be hooked immediately. The second season just came out this month and it’s incredible but holy shit so intense. Catch it on Netflix!

3. Carry On

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: Rainbow Rowell

Why you should read it: Did you read Harry Potter and think: “Wow, Harry is super bi. Wow, he’s pretty obsessed with Draco. Wow they could be friends if Harry was sorted into Slytherin WOW THEY COULD EVEN BE MORE THAN THAT!” ...Okay, well this is the book for you. Set in a magic school more different from Hogwarts than you’d think, Simon and Baz are roommates that hate each other. But things are complicated when you’re the chosen one and you think your roommate might be a vampire and there’s an evil something out for you. It’s like Harry Potter except different and more queer people and people of color. Plus a happy ending that’s so, so much better than that “17 years later” shit. If you like gay magical boys and ass-kicking best friends and plot twists, you’ll definitely enjoy this.

4. Fourth Man Out

What is it: A 2016 movie

Who makes it: dir. Andrew Nackman

Why you should watch it: If you’ve been searching your whole fucking life for a queer rom-com like me, this’ll make you immensely happy. The story centers around Adam, who comes out to his mostly clueless friends in his twenties. They’re all a little uncomfortable and shitty at first, but they all grow and learn and by the end of the film have created the kind of caring and casual atmosphere any queer person hopes for when initially coming out to friends. The movie explores those awkward first steps after coming out, including online dating and homophobic neighbors, in a comedic yet respectful way. It’ll make you laugh and it’ll make you care a lot about Adam-- his puppy-dog face just makes you root for him from the beginning. Watch this if you hate that more comedies don’t center around queer themes, and then please recommend me more!!

5. About a Girl

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: Sarah McCarry

Why you should read it: Okay, maybe you should read the first two books in this series first, All Our Pretty Songs and Dirty Wings, but I read this one first and I think it can stand alone pretty well. There is an abundance of queer people of color in this, a beautiful, mythological storyline, a girl/girl romance, and a main character you’ll fall in love with. This book is so gorgeous to read and so rewarding, and I couldn’t put it down. In fact, I’m due for a reread... good thing I just impulsively bought all three of these so now I OWN THEM. Please, please give at least About a Girl a read, though-- the lyrical, soft nature of it was so incredibly healing and I can’t tell you how much I loved it.

5. Moonlight

What is it: A 2016 film

Who makes it: dir. Barry Jenkins

Why you should watch it: First of all, if you haven’t been following the mess that happened at the Oscars with La La Land being announced incorrectly and this film winning Best Picture, where have you been? I saw this rather recently, I’ll admit, but it blew my socks off. This film is so completely centered on the experience of black queer men, and allows them to be so honest and tender, so complex and multi-faceted, in a way we haven’t much seen in mainstream media so far. We know why this is-- mainstream media is overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingly straight, and wants to put down and silence differing experiences as much as possible, making Hollywood a boring and homogeneous space. But Moonlight has broken through and shown that when these stories are told, and they are listened to, something incredible can happen. 

6. Ask the Passengers

What is it: A young-adult novel

Who makes it: A.S. King

Why you should read it: Holy shit, y’all, I loved this book so fucking much. I reread it a little while ago and it still punches me in the gut just as hard. The book centers around Astrid, a teenager navigating her sexuality, her family, and suffocating small-town life. She’s a philosopher at heart, so nothing comes easy, especially not love-- it’s not as clear-cut as her other queer friends may think. This is a really honest portrayal of figuring out sexuality and Astrid is such a lovable narrator that you just want to bundle her up and let no one else hurt her. The book hit close to home as a queer girl who spent a lot of time figuring out my identity and what it meant to me personally. If you have a similar story, prepare to get emotional.

7. One Day at a Time

What is it: A Netflix original series based off Norman Lear's 1975 series of the same name

Who makes it: Too many directors & executive producers to name! But if you’re a Norman Lear fan, he stayed on to be an executive producer for the remake.

Why you should watch it: The show centers around a Cuban-American family living in California and tackles topics like immigration, religion, sexuality, PTSD, divorce/separation, and more. Elena’s coming out storyline is beautifully and respectfully done and I really appreciate how realistic it is. This show will make you laugh and make you cry, but mostly, you’ll just fall completely in love with the Alvarez family and their story. And they’ve just been confirmed for a second season!! (GET ELENA A GIRLFRIEND!!)

8. The Real O’Neals

What is it: An ABC comedy series

Who makes it: Executive producer Dan Savage

Why you should watch it: Okay, I’ll admit, I have more problems with this show than the others-- namely its consistent biphobia and very few characters of color-- but besides the problems, it’s still hilarious and honest. In the very first episode, Kenny comes out to his conservative, Irish Catholic family in an... explosive way, and what follows is them all trying to figure out how to navigate his identity while still being religious. It’s important to see representation of queer people who keep their faith after coming out; it reminds us that religion and queerness aren’t mutually exclusive. Plus, I love Kenny’s relationship with his siblings, and the fact that his younger sister Shannon is the smartest and most put-together of them all. The show just finished its second season, and as of yet there has been no announcement of a renewal for a third season.

9. The Raven Cycle

What is it: A young-adult novel series

Who makes it: Maggie Stiefvater

Why you should read it: Holy wow, this book series is fantastic. I had no idea what it was about when I read it (because I read it for the gays...), but the story is complex and fascinating. Blue is our narrator most of the time, the daughter of a psychic who has no psychic abilities herself and who lives in a house with a bunch of other awesome psychic ladies. Her life has always been surrounded by magic, but it gets even more magical when she meets Gansey, Ronan, Adam, and Noah, four boys who go to the near Aglionby Academy and are dubbed “Raven Boys” because of the raven on their uniforms. I’m pretty sure shit starts to get Really Actually Gay in the last book, but the entire series is fantastic and well worth a read. If you like ghost boys, dead kings, magical dreamers, and weird curses, this series is for you. It’s recently been announced that there will be a TV show based on the books, and there will also be another book series just about Ronan, so I’m super pumped for those cool things... Unless they ruin the TV show, in which case I will be incredibly disappointed. (In the meantime, though, you can read the first chapter of the first book, The Raven Boys, here!)

10. Yuri On Ice

What is it: An Japanese sports anime series

Who makes it: Creator Mitsurō Kubo, dir. Sayo Yamamoto

Why you should watch it: LISTEN, I’ve never finished an anime before this, because I’m not really that into anime. But this series is about figure skating, has twelve episodes, and is hella gay, so it’s not hard to binge it. (For the love of God, please watch the subbed version if you can, the dub voices give me nightmares.) The story is beautifully done, Viktor and Yuuri’s relationship is stable, loving, and realistic, and the portrayal of Yuuri’s anxiety is so important and made me cry in spots. Plus, it’s really funny and the competition scenes are thrilling as all hell. You can watch the series in literally a day, so what are you waiting for?? Binge it and then listen to the soundtrack on Spotify on repeat while crying, like I did.

11. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What is it: A Fox-produced police sitcom

Who makes it: A million directors and producers, it’s a comedy sitcom

Why you should watch it: A diverse ensemble cast, comedy that isn’t at the expense of any marginalized group, complex characters, a stable gay relationship, Andy Samberg??? I love this show so much, y’all. To be fair, the main relationship is between a man and a woman, but the captain of the 99th precinct is an openly gay black man who’s in an amazing, loving relationship with his husband. And the relationship between Jake, the main character, and Amy (Spoiler! But you’ll see it coming from a million miles away, promise.) is one of the most delicious slow-burn plotlines I’ve ever seen. And as far as I know, the writers have no intention to break them up for “conflict” (cough cough New Girl cough). In an episode from the current season, a character called something transphobic, which was the first time I’ve ever heard that word on television, and I had to pause and look at my girlfriend in wonder, like “Did he just really say that? Oh my God??” Anyway. Please watch this show. It’s currently in its fourth season, just recently back from its haitus, so go binge it now!

There’s so many more to add to this list (Legend of Korra! Rock and Riot!! Etc etc etc!), but since you now have 11 new (or not-so-new) pieces of queer media to consume, I’ll leave you with that. Till next time!

[i-like-your-genitalia]

I want to know as much as I can about you, could you please answer all of the questions from the pride month questionnaire?

1. what is your sexuality?

I identity as bisexual at the moment ♥️

2. what do you identify as?

I identify as female (my designated/biological gender)

3. how long have you been aware of your sexuality/identity?

I realised, or identified myself as bisexual when I was 15, so that 3-4 years ago!

4. do you have any preferences?

I would say generally I go for guys, but it changes all the time sometimes I feel more attracted to women and other times to men. I would say on average 60% to men 40% to women.

5. share a positive memory about coming out!

I think all my friends were just chill, one of my good friends came out as bisexual and then transgender. And I’m not sure if they still identify as bi or if they identify as gay. But that was kinda the first of my friends to come out, and it wasn’t a big deal. So when others in the group came out. It was kinda just “oh cool, join the club!”

6. how do you feel about pride month?

It’s awesome, I think having a month where sexuality’s and identities can celebrated in the open and appreciated in awesome! For so long those in the LGBT++ community have been taught to ashamed of who they are. And having a month were it’s celebrated is fantastic!

7. do you participate in pride related events? any other events?

Unfortunately no, I’m not out with a lot of family, my sister and a few cousins know. But it’s not something I want to risk at the moment! So I as much I want to involve myself in pride. I can’t at the moment

8. how do you feel about lgbtqa roles in media?

We need more, it’s amazing how far we have come, but it would be awesome to see more and a bigger variety. And I think accurately depicted by the media as well!

9. do you feel pride in who you are?

Yes, it’s amazing to feel comfortable and have a support group who can help you through some of the crisis of coming out, or changing your identity or sexuality!

10. who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery?

Not gonna lie, when I first came out I had no idols. Just my friends in real life and on tumblr. There have been a couple of people who’ve helped by reblogging or posting informative writing and learning now to help with coming out and such. But I don’t have anyone specific

11. tell us about your first crush?

Girl Crush or Boy crush???

My first guy crush that I remember was in year 10, and he was the one where you stare from afar. I had an art class with him and I sat facing him and his friends. And it was awkward because everyone knew I liked him but I didn’t like speaking to him or interacting with him.

My first girl crush was on a friend I had, she was one of the first girls I was aware I was attracted too! But she was straight so there was no desire to take things further than a crush and it faded after a while! So I went from being friends….crush……back to being friends! And they wasn’t any romantic feelings lingering!

12. what sort of advice to have you lgbtqa teens?

Don’t be afraid to change your mind, labels aren’t everything! Yes they’ve helped with explaining who you are, but don’t feel obligated to stick to it. Just because at 16 you feel as tho you identify as bisexual or lesbian or gay, doesn’t mean that at 27 you’ll identify the same.

Also with coming out, especially during pride month! There is a huge pressure to come out, don’t ever feel like you “need” to come out. Especially if you are in a household that could potentially become unsafe if you did!

13. have you come out to friends and family?

I came out to my sister, and a few cousins. And the majority or my friends know I’m bisexual! So I’m not necessarily closeted, but I don’t put it out for every single person to know!

14. how do you feel about the term “coming out” ?

I have no feelings about it really, it’s a convenient saying for finding the ideal sexuality, or identity for yourself. I know some feel negatively towards the saying. But for me it’s a simple, well know phrase that is easy to use when talking about my bisexuality and discovery.

15. do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of?any tips on coming out?

For so long, the LGBTQIA community has been forced to hide who they are, because of the prejudice and hate of others towards them and their “lifestyle” and the closet is that place. I feel like there are better terms with less negative connotations than “closet” and “coming out” to do with the identifying of your sexuality and gender. However it’s part of our history as a community and maybe we should take control and take away the negativity that comes with the word closet and closeted. But I mean our whole community is based on unashamed of who you are. And I don’t think it’s shameful to be in the “closet” as long as you aren’t being homophobic or transphobic or all the other sexuality and identity phobias while your aren’t able to come out yourself..

I think first of all no pressure, for some being in the closet can do more harm than good, whereas it’s the opposite for some being out would cause more trouble than they are equipped to deal with. So I think do it when you are ready, don’t feel pushed or pressured to either remain in he closet or to come out! And I think start with the safest person, maybe a close friend or sibling or a parent. Don’t feel like you have to leap out and let every person know! It’s an anxiety inducing process! So start off with those who are low risk and then build up to those who are high risk. Because then you’ll have that group of being who love and support you. And it’s what you need when you get rejected for being who you are!

16. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtqa characterization in media?

1. They die2. Portrayed as stereotypes, that don’t show that the lgbtqa as a diverse group of people3. There aren’t enough healthy and accurate portrayals of the community

17. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtqa characterization in media?

I think that they are proud of who they are, even when they aren’t particularly proud of themselves as individuals but as a community.

18. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school?

Well my health and P.E teacher was lesbian so we probably got a bit more of a lesson on sexuality then most. But it wasn’t a big throng yet when I took it as a compulsory class, it was very briefly covered but not in depth.

19. do you practice safe sex with the same sex?

I haven’t had sex, but yes, safe sex is key to any sort of relationship, straight or gay.

20. what’s an absolute turn off for you in people?

Racism, misogyny, all the phobias related the sexuality, identity and genders. And I think the lack of a desire to change ones opinion, and stay stuck in a imbedded and wrong way of thinking!

21. what’s an absolute turn on for you in people?

People who are inclusive, happy, always keen to learn and change and grow! Definitely those who are confident but not arrogant!

22. how do you feel about lgbtqa clubs/apps/websites?

I think they can be awesome places to get support, information and get to know people like you! In a “safe environment”

23. how do you feel about the term “queer” ?

I personally don’t mind it, it’s a good blanket term for those in the community or don’t come under strictly one label! Or who aren’t quite sure where they fit in the community just yet!

24. how does you country view the lgbtqa community?

Well New Zealand was definitely open and okay with it and it’s similar in Spain! I think you still find people who are against it whether or not you live in a LGBTQIA friendly country

25. favorite lgbtqa actor/actress?

Kristen Stewart ♥️

26. any tips for heterosexual people on how to handle lgbtqa events/news?

Don’t make it about you, if it’s something bad (like the pulse shooting) things like “my heart goes out to the families and friends who lost someone” “what a tragic loss of life” “this is such a horrible crime/incident” and if it’s a positive thing (gay marriage becoming possible) “congratulations” “it’s exciting to see progress” “I’m glad they achieved what they wanted” and most of all if you have the desire to make it about yourself or say something homophobic then keep your mouth shut!

27. what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten?

“If you are with a girl, doesn’t that make you lesbian?” Or “if you had to pick one would you chose girls or guys?”

28. how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/idenity?I don’t mind, I’m happy to talk about it!

29. what is your romantic affiliation?

I’m romantically attracted to both females and males!

[onceuponanaromantic]

ASAW 2020: What Aromanticism Looks Like On/To Me

In light of ASAW 2020 (arospec awareness week 2020), I’m introducing myself and talking about what aromanticism has to do with me.

So hi! I’m Syl, a nonbinary aromantic. I’m demiromantic-ish but yeah I’m definitely on the spectrum so i say I’m aromantic.

How did I figure it out? How does anyone figure it out? Confusion for a while and then I was like yknow what aro works, and that was basically it. I figured it out when I was like 14? I think, so yeah should be.

What does being aromantic look like on me? I very rarely, if ever, get crushes and I entirely can’t relate to the idea of falling in love. Squishing is weird for me because I look at my feelings and go ‘is that a squish? is that a crush? what is normal??’ I mean, for me, it helped that I didn’t consider myself normal because... well Reasons, and I was already weird to begin with, so I just thought it was another Weird Thing. I get myself into trouble when I don’t know how to explain to people that I’m just not interested in ever having a romantic relationship and that I’m not interested.... in anybody? (in one iconic incident, I ended up having to ask a friend to pretend to be my girlfriend in order to escape a guy who kept insisting on meeting me after he confessed that he had a crush on me and well. it wasn’t pleasant for me.) I also don’t really know what to do when people have crushes on me, and I mostly just avoid and don’t deal with it.

On a lighter note, I’m a writer and storyteller and one thing I’ve become more comfortable with doing over time is coming up with aromantic and queer characters and storylines that accept and encourage that. One of my favourite characters to write, Caihong, is a genderfluid aromantic shapeshifter and writing him is a joy. I used to ask myself if I was coming up with too many queer and trans characters and now I’m just like ‘straight people don’t ask that. I don’t need to either.’

My thoughts on Aromanticism in General? I think amatonormativity intersects with a lot of other bullshit social problems, like sexism and heteronormativity, as well as racism to some extent? Because culturally, who is allowed to desire who and what types of people are set up as Good are very much influenced by dynamics and dealing with wider inequality and social justice are definitely things important to me. I wish romance wasn’t so tied to the Only True Form of Love, not just because it isn’t (though that’s definitely part of it) but because I think we are worse off when we don’t have a healthy support system and communities that we can rely on. I hate how romance is set up as this definer of Self Worth because it... really isn’t? And another thing I dislike is how romance is portrayed as this singular source of love which gives rise to the stereotype of the aro who Cannot Emotion, and like the whole connection between robots and other nonhuman beings and aros because as someone who’s naturally very affectionate, that’s not even remotely true?? That, and the expectation that you not even Touch Romance with a Six Foot Pole if you’re aromantic like, hello, the arospec exists it’s not just all or nothing okay

What kinds of Aromantic Representation do I want to see? I want to see media that moves away from portraying heterosexual interpersonal relationships as Definitely Going to Be Romantic. I also want more aromantics/aro-coding that shows aros as warm and friendly and lively and compassionate, without needing to have romantic like as an awkward issue there like, I want more friendships? I also want to see QPRs and like media that represents what queerplatonicism is like and it’s not just oh RomanceLite but like creative work that does it justice.

What stories do I like telling about Aromantics? I mentioned Caihong earlier. In A Match Made in Hell, he makes meaningful relationships with Seph and Aradhna, and his sibling/partner in crime Phoenix is as always a disaster, and also somewhere on the aro spectrum as well. Apart from A Match Made in Hell, I also enjoy writing about Vic, Adri and Chrisl in Grandparents of the Revolution. Adri and Chrisl are technically in a romantic relationship, but they and Vic are so intricately tied together and so codependent. They’re mentor figures to Soren, and I like writing them as They’ve Already Got their Shit Together and they’re Passing On This. They’re great friends fundamentally and have such great trusting relationships, and I love writing these Old Beings.

(Small interjection here: I’m getting published in the Common Bonds Anthology  which is being published at the end of March! I’m super proud of it and I hope you’ll enjoy it and the other works by the other really talented authors in the anthology!)

Alright, that’s all from me tonight :D Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week 2020!

[sheconqueredabuse]

Gaslighting

The Gaslighter

We often see gaslighting in the media with politicians and celebrity interviews, but there is a much more insidious use for gaslighting when we are talking about narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths. It is one of their favorite emotionally abusive mind games simply because it’s highly effective in controlling their victim.

In this article, we will discuss: What Is Gaslighting? Signs of Gaslighting Abuse Thoughts & Feelings You Will Have 21 Examples & Techniques Game Over: Shutting It Down

What Is Gaslighting?

Wiki’s Gaslighting Definition: a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs.

Gaslighting can be used by anyone. Teachers, bosses, lawyers, parents, siblings, cult leaders, dictators and romantic partners which is mostly what I will discuss. 

The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 play "Gaslight" that was released as a film in the 1940's. This wicked story portrays a husband who will do anything to protect a secret, even if that means committing his wife to a mental institution. So, he systematically brainwashes her until she believes she is delusional and questions her own reality. One gaslighting technique he uses is to dim the gas lights, which she notices and he tells her she is going mad and it is not happening. She starts to feel she is losing a grip on reality.

Here's a little clip of the movie ->

You are going to see this term a lot if you are researching emotional, financial, psychological or narcissistic abuse because it’s a munipulators favorite tool. 

It’s highly effective at destroying someone's self worth, inner power, and sense of reality while deflecting any responsibility on the abuser. This gives the narcissists the one thing they want the most over their victim….. control. 

Overt

Depending on the abuser, gaslighting can look very different. Overt narcissists are the type of abusers we are used to seeing. They may always brag about their accomplishments, how much better they are than others and almost look down on anyone who is not them.

They don’t hide their abuse towards others and are often looked at as bullies. They are open and explicit and most people wouldn’t have a hard time pointing them out. 

Covert Narcs

But, the more dangerous gaslighters are coverts. The reason they are so much more dangerous is because their abuse usually goes unnoticed to everyone around them, including the victim themselves. They are master manipulators as disguising their abuse. 

Over time, their victims can appear to be unstable and deranged while the abuser appears as the misunderstood victim that is being made to look like the bad guy. They drop subtle hints of abuse that confuse you and appear to be unintentional. But, it’s very calculated. 

Signs of Gaslighting Abuse

Gaslighting builds over time. The controlling partner will sprinkle it into exchanges early on in the relationship. It can be very subtle in the beginning as they are learning about you, and then gradually worsens over the course of the relationship, just like with any other type of abuse. I’m going to go over some of the thoughts and feelings you may have, and I also identified with almost every single one of these. 

Symptoms of Gaslighting: Thoughts & Feelings

Confused and feeling like you are going crazy

Feeling of doubtfulness

Questioning your own reality

Feel like a failure or disappointment

You start making excuses for their behavior

You are tense around them and may not understand why

Attacked or outburst over minor matters

Asking yourself “Am I being too emotional or sensitive?” 

Asking yourself  “Am I asking/expecting too much?”

You are constantly apologizing

You don’t understand why they are upset much of the time

Your intuition is telling you something is off but you can’t identify it

 You may lie to avoid put-downs or them twistings things

You have trouble making simple decisions

Second-guess your decisions

Nothing you do is good enough for them

You have stopped doing things you love

You distance yourself from people, events, and places you once enjoyed

Your self-esteem has hit rock bottom

You are focused on your flaws more than ever

You don’t know who to trust and often turn to the gaslighter for answers

You start withholding from family and loved ones so you don't have to explain or feel ashamed

You Feel like your feelings or pain doesn’t really matter and maybe you are over sensitive

You find yourself writing long emails and letters to try to get the to fully hear you out

You are disconnected and different from the person you were before the relationship

That last one really stands out to me and one you should really sit and think about if you think you are being gaslighted. I know by the end of my relationship with a gaslighting narcissist, I was so different and my two older children had pointed that out to me during the relationship, but my response was I’m just trying to become a better person.  As I began healing, I started feeling like myself more and more.

How Do You Know If It’s Really Gaslighting?

This is a great question because sometimes terms can be overused or misunderstood. Two people not agreeing does not mean either of them are trying to gaslight the other. We all have our own perception, but there is a clear line between someone’s perception of events and someone abusing you.

Gaslighting is distinct because only one of you is listening and empathic to the other's perspective and trying to solve or come to an understanding, while the other person is dodging responsibility and can negate your perception, insisting you are wrong and your emotional reaction is dysfunctional or crazy. 

In healthy relationships, it is normal to not always agree and have your own opinions on topics, events, your values, etc. However, if you strongly resonate with the feelings and thoughts listed above, it's a strong sign you are being gaslighted. But, let’s also discuss techniques and examples of a gaslighter.

Gaslighting Techniques & Examples

Lying - Just about everything revolves around a lie with a narcissist. You can even have proof and they will lie with a straight face.  "She just wants to cause problems cause she wants me, I never did that" "I never even talked to her"

Partial Truths - There is an element of truth wrapped with lies. They can insert something they know you believe to be true or appear to be taking responsibility so their lie seems more believable.  "I know I cheated, I feel horrible for it, but I tried everything to make it work and she is going out of her mind. Comes by my work, calls and text and accuses me" In reality, they may have cheated many times, one being last week with a girl from work when they went missing for hours and you text them asking when they would be home. You are now viewed as the crazy one that is not trying to make the relationship work and you just can't get over his past mistake even though he is trying to be a good guy.

Repetitive Falsehoods - ​Repeating lies frequently to reinforce them as truth and override existing perceptions. ​ "Look how well I treat you. Look at all I do for you" "I seen you flirt with that guy, it's obvious to everyone" "I told you I was at work, stop accusing me every time I walk in the door"

Countering - Vehemently question your memory even though you know you have remembered it correctly and fight to understand how they don't.  "That's not how it happened at all, it's crazy how you see things" "Remember the last time you were wrong about what you THOUGHT you remembered?" "Obviously you never loved or believed in me if you think like that" "You are so negative in your thinking"

Trivializing - Minimizing, Invalidating and shaming you for how you think and feel to make you doubt your truth. "Listen to yourself, you are not okay" "I don't know why you are making a big deal over this" "You just can't get over the past" (even though it was never resolved) "Why are you being so sensitive" "That is not abusive, you are trying to make me look bad" "You are going to let something that small come between us?"

Denial - Refusing to acknowledge your feelings or thoughts. Sometimes by being silent and not responding and other times with blatant denial even with concrete evidence. "I never said that" "I'm not sure how you see it that way, but I never cheated" "You must be remembering it wrong"

Faking Compassion -  Using their mask to appear as if you have it all wrong and they really have your best interest at heart ​ "No Baby, I did that to protect you."

Reframing - Twisting what you said, even if subtle, to suit their favor "If you remember correctly, I was trying to help you"

Circled Conversations - Nothing is every resolved, they just keep running the conversation into circles. I've spent hours and hours without the one single problem getting resolved. 

Words & Actions Not Aligned - Even when you believe them, their actions just are not aligning with their words. They may tell you they love you, but are cheating on you the next day and not taking any responsibility for it.

Love & Hate Rollercoaster - One day/hour/min they love you and you are the best thing that happened to them and the next several days/hours/minutes they will project everything they are doing unto you, rather is lies, stealing, evil. 

Discrediting Your Character - Gossip behind your back and make people believe you are unstable, irrational, crazy. Basically projecting everything they are onto you.

Projection - The gaslighter diverts their actions back to the victim, refusing to validate the victims claims. This could be cheating, starting fights/drama, acting crazy. ​ "You just love drama, it's always around you." "You just can't let it go"

Intermittent Reinforcement - They may bring you up by praising for something they admire or you did well, just so they slam you back down. This makes you question if they are really bad, because there are good aspects of their actions.

Indirect Criticism - Compliments wrapped with insults. They cleverly make you feel insecure and question yourself. "I've seen you as pretty as those girls before" "You are almost as thin as Sally was after having her baby" "I know if you had more time, you would have done a better job"

Selfish Praise - They will praise you for something but only because it benefits them. "You really did a great job with this dinner" "I'm so glad you stood up for me"

Blocking - Changing the subject to divert from taking responsibility or answering a question. ​ You ask "Did you cheat on me?" They ask "How many times have I caught you with talking to other men?"

Diverting - Questioning the validity of your thoughts ​ "I didn't say this Thursday, I said next Thursday" "I never said I like pineapples" (when they told you they loved them)

Pretend Forgetting - Pretending they forget things that occured. "I never said I would pay for all of these things you just bought" "I don't remember it like that at all" "I never said that"

Toxic Amnesia - Deliberately forgetting hurtful behaviors, verbal abuse and betrayals they've engaged in.

Stonewalling - Deliberately refusing to communicate or cooperate while continuing to listen to your concerns. This can be a subtle form of manipulation  and often used by coverts.

Withholding - Pretend they have no idea what you are saying and it's hard to understand.

Caught On Video By Police

I thought it would also be useful to show you an example of gaslighting caught on camera by police. Now hopefully, this is a much worse situation than what you are going through, but I think it's the perfect example to show you how well someone can manipulate and lie even if there is video proof.

Take a look at this women who was taped talking to a man about having her husband killed. The husband was not killed, but the police continue to play it out and confront her that her husband is dead.

She could win an academy award for her frantek crying and painful shouts. Then when it's revealed to her that he is alive and well, and she had been taped, she goes into her toolbox of gaslighting tactics and speaks with her husband. 

How To Deal With Gaslighting

First rule, you don’t. By that, I mean, you are not going to convince a gaslighter or narcissists that they are seeing things the wrong way. One of the reasons they are gaslighting is to avoid responsibility altogether while they play with your mind.

You also don't want to tell them you have figured them out. This is only going to increase the gaslighting so they get better at what the are trying to do, the abuse can get more intense and if they have not already, they will probably incorporate flying monkeys into the relationship. 

They simply won't and don't want to try to see your point of view, and if by a chance they do, trust me they are not taking responsibility for it, it will all play into their game.

You must stop looking at them for answers, validation, closure or acceptance of what they are doing. By doing this, it's delays your healing because all your focus is on something you can't control or change with a person that doesn't want to change. 

Don't give them that type of control over you, they don't care about your healing, in fact, they don't want you to heal and become stronger, even if they have discarded you.

In healthy relationships, you would talk and work things out, but this is not a healthy relationship, it’s an abusive one.

A Good Question to ask yourself is “Are they listening to you and really trying to work the problem out, or make excuses and  causing confusion? Do their actions match their words?" If so, write out a list so you can get clarity around this.

Game Over: Shut It Down

Don’t Engage:  If someone is trying to gaslight you, do not engage or try to get clarity from THEM. They want you to stay confused.

Journal: Write things down for YOU. We are often confused and don’t trust ourselves, so writing things down will bring you more clarity.

Support System: Create a support system around you. I’m going to tell you right now, even though friends and family have great intentions, many do not understand narcissistic abuse on a deep level and their advice or help will further confuse and re-traumatize you. Lean on them for love and support, but you don’t have to go into details, save that for a therapist or coach.

Therapy: The same goes for therapist, not all of them understand this abuse. Be sure to get a therapist that understand narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, Cluster B Personalities and C/PTSD.

Recovery & Life Coaches: Getting Coaching is a wonderful part of healing. Many narc abuse recovery coaches are survivors themselves, so they can relate to what you are going through. They can validate your experiences, strategize next steps, and support you in your healing journey and evolution.

Comment below and tell us how you have been gaslighted or what you did to shut it down! Also if you have an questions, that would be helpful on improving this content 🙂