#can we like not go back to early internet shit like this cant we actually have arguments instead

[demodraws0606]

Me looking at Tumblr : Transfems and Transmascs at each other's throats and being vile to one another.

Me an AFAB nonbinary person who doesn't plan to transition who would be eradicated if I spoke my opinion :

[makingspiritualityreal]

it just sucks if you want to be moderately normal to say the least yet every other person now has adhd and a screen addiction thats so bad they cant put their phone down not saying im perfect at it myself but i think we have to be better than this if we want to really be happy. yet everyones normalised all of this internet phone screen time and so on that i cant see an end to it any time soon.

then every other person talks in some weird language you dont know nor care about because everything is intended to be a viral meme or some other shit. thats why i wanted to know if time travel was real or not because ya girl wants to go back to a non internet era. it seriously was moderately better and as kids we had no urge to be on a device so long. it is ridiculous when u think abt it. but now i feel like i need to be indoctrinated into the same view points as everyone else and it makes my brain feel like mush afterwards.

i dont think people arent even aware of how bad they genuinely sound even the saying dont forget to like and subscribe, leave a comment down below is enough to make me not want to do that but at the same time i still feel swayed into subscribing to someones attention seeking desires for them to be known. i also feel like that was liam paynes demise he loved it too much and was addicted to being known that he couldnt not be known if that makes sense? i mean he was in THE biggest bg of his era thats pretty substaintial proof of his success but that alone still wasnt enough for him not to mention they all get diddled with early on its so unpleasant to think of what they must really be like when they arent trying to be something theyre not.

You can’t control the world but you can work on yourself.

The fact that you think you owe anyone a like or a subscribe is an internal problem. You can do what you want and no one can tell you otherwise. It’s your allowance of it that will make or break your life.

You also don’t have to participate in the collective madness. There are people out there who live differently than what you described.

What you focus on grows. There will always be something wrong with the world. Some things don’t deserve your time or attention. A lot of what you said is a US problem.

I had the opportunity to live in Canada, USA and Europe among people of various income levels, from poor to well off, and people outside of the US live differently. They have communities, they have real friends, they actually meet and put their phones down. People also have social media success all around the world. There are many ways to live and you get to choose not to associate with what bothers you.

[vazaez]

let's say someone in the wk fandom used to ship kcest at an age where they didn't know any better and mostly did it to look cool or something, but soon they realize it's wrong and deeply regret their actions so they stop shipping it entirely. would the fandom still kick them out? (I'm very sorry if this sounds rude! I really am genuinely asking)

Short answer: Personally? I think not, specially if it's something they grew out of

Long answer: I understand the situation they couldve found themselves at of they were exposed to the internet since a young age and most of the fanbase is older people doing that kind of stuff that could lead newer and younger people to think it's alright, or maybe they follow their lead to fit in, tricked into thinking thats a good thing to support and that would be the only way to connect with the rest of the community, by following them in what everyone else does

If they grew up and realized that it isnt actually okay, and dropped it completely, that already makes them do better than all the other people that, at the time, lead them to think it was, and had them do stuff against their morals just to fit in on what was "normal and common" in the fanbase

Like to put a silly and exaggerated example, if you connect with a group of people where they seem as normal to randomly punch ppl, and you decide to also go around randomly punching people to show the group that youre one of them, and you follow their steps because you're younger and more influenceable, maybe eventually you'll grow and go "hold up-" as you realize it wasnt as correct as they wanted to let you think, and sure you did punch some faces but you didn't know better so you cant really be blamed imo

I think it's just a matter of owning up to stuff and admiting that you did messed up stuff at the time

Early unsupervised acces to internet is super harmful for people, it twists your perception on a lot of stuff before you find out your own thoughts about it without going along with the current in some sort of hivemind that tricks you into thinking stuff is right when it actually isnt, specially if it's adults giving you that mindset, because as i already said, unlike them, you didnt know better and you were just doing what you thought was correct according to the people that have been there the longest

in any case, if someone wants to be a dick over something that you have very clearly stated to be against of already, theyre being unreasonable, why would we judge and kick out someone for past choices they regret?

anyways, good on you for asking! i know this kind of stuff can be scary since the internet reactions are so unpredictable, but the best thing we can do is just admit the stuff we used to do or think and show that we've grown and we do better now

i know i've done fucked up stuff, or maybe supported the wrong shit in the past, like waaaay back even before i was active in any media but was still an active viewer of content that i thought was so normal i didnt realize it was wrong until i grew up and thought ''what the hell was i on, and why the hell was that content so normalized?''

I think its an important part of growth to come to terms with that and learn from it

[davekat-sucks]

Homestucks gotta step back and realize that their fave webcomic franchise is extremely niche and obscure internet media that is not making huge influences on society. They are an ant compared to the likes of undertale, minecraft, superwholock, and weed. So many people act like it's doing the lgbt community a huge favor with it's gay ships and June

Rosemary was huge for being such a prominent lesbian ship within the webcomic sphere, which is a very small part of the internet. Then they ignore how the ball got fumbled hard in how they lost their personalities and later became a cucking drama in beyond canon. Then there are the June stans saying the comic is saved by a character going trans even though none of the larger overarching conflicts are being resolved. But as shown in the epilogues, meat roxy basically became a clone of Dave upon going trans. It's like why do we even need another Dave clone when he's literally right there? Oh yeah it's cause Davekat made him a nonentity that just mopes and does nothing, and a lotta fans projected onto dave as their trans awakening since he's so "cool" and had a terrible childhood. Like idk roxy should have an original personality even after becoming trans. And big picture, she and Dave never really seemed that close in comic so it doesnt make sense why she would be so influenced by him

If homestuck cant handle lgbt stuff well even if the ghostwriters are lgbt, then why even give them the trust to write June well in the first place? They are bad writers period that cant even pace a good story or make characters that grow meaningfully for people to connect to. Surprise surprise if the characters regress or the story does shitty plot twists, readers wont like their time getting wasted

Homestuck could have been part of the media to influence pop culture, but it was taken over by Undertale. Its spotlight for crashing Newgrounds too has been taken over by Friday Night Funkin as well. Rosemary being one of the earliest modern lesbian ships to be introduced and accepted early on before it was stated that LGBT was constitutional... was overshadowed by Steven Universe due to being a more children's show compared to a webcomic on the Internet that is targeted for a much larger audience. And if people want earlier works before Homestuck for lesbian themes, they can look towards to Revolutionary Girl Utena, as anime was on the rise and more easily accessible to people thanks to fansubs and streaming websites. And after Rosemary was canon, they moved onto to the next thing of wanting Davekat to be real and now wishing June Egbert was a thing. They only labels to just be there with no rhyme or reason behind them before throwing away for the next new popular thing. The people treat the labels on characters or series like toys. I even say when it comes to Western writers that make LGBT and try to have LGBT as a main selling point too in their works, they put more of the label as main priority than actually tell a story or have its characters be characters with flaws. That's why other similar LGBT themes in stuff like comics turned out to be shit while stuff like manga or anime that is more about yaoi/yuri than actual LGBT, unintentionally turns to be better in comparison.

[winderlylandchime]

2/2 ‘oh those shows for sure wouldn’t exist without Queer as Folk. By the way, yesterday I watched that red blue movie and i was so confused cause there was no swearing and no dicks and no actual sex scenes. Cant decide if that makes it boring or what but fuck do i hate censorship, anyway back to the pretty boy’ ‘When was this filmed because Bri- Gale looks fine as fuck? Aged like fine wi- (Pulse was mentioned this second) oh…fuck nevermind, still pretty though’

And we are now at fan encounters part: Gale says people thought he was Brian ‘WHO thought he was bad at playing Brian? I will fight them right this second!’ Gale starts his not that guy speech ‘mhm tell them! Wait what is he saying? I feel like he’s just trying to hit word count. I feel like he’s talking to me. But i never criticized him, he’s perfect. It’s the writers that i have a problem with and if i ever see them, it’s on sight!’ Gale starts talking about the fan encounters *he moves his head forward and has wide eyes in shock* ‘wait what..he was harassed by guys? THE FUCK? Oh people were fucked in the heads back in the day.. still are but damn, i forgot about the celebrity culture in early 2000s’ Gale started to talk about how guys would ask him how he could even play Brian ‘oh i bet my ass if he wanted to he’d be able to argue with anyone. Id pay to see it. Not saying I want him to argue but itd be fun to watch him shut someone stupid down.’ Gale says he wishes he could go back and do it better ‘Excuse me? You were perfect! Fuck, who do i have to bully for them to give me a movie with older Brian? Imagine a movie and it starts with both of them together in New York. (He’s for sure getting your fic in the future)’ Gale mentions he hates that people make speculations about him ‘i feel like he’s talking to me. In my defense sweetheart, i just learned your name like a week ago. So sue me for thinking you were gay. (Me: ‘hes not talking about you, idiot) yeah, well, i felt attacked and you shut up, you knew and didnt tell me! Awww he’s proud of the show. I was worried for a second. He’s a good guy, i fuck with him…even if he’s *clears his throat* straight’ ‘People were mean to him about Bri Bri? I will burn this entire world down to the ground! How fucking dare they? I will fight everyone that has something rude to say to him or Blondie!’

‘Wait, is there Randy’s version too? Cause that dude mentioned Peter and Sharon. So did they all film these? Where are they? (I tell him that to my knowledge only Gale’s is out) oh COME ONNNN, I can’t fucking win with this show, can i?’ ‘Where is Gale now? Can you show me an interview from now? Or does he have IG? I am willing to start my account again for him’ I actually laughed at that and when i told him how removed he is from internet he went ‘GOR FUCKS SAKE! Theres no winning with this dude! Is he even still alive?’

And the final thoughts were:

‘Wow he is nothing like Brian, he’s so shy and introverted. A little fidgety so i feel like he’s not used of shit like this. He’s literally nothing like Bri Bri…’ me, sarcastically ‘its called acting, brother’ He looked at me like i was the dumbest person ever but also like he shouldve known this. And then immediately after that he called our mom and started the conversation with: ‘he’s straight mom! Straight! BRIAN! Can you fucking believe that shit? Wait let me send you the video’

And later after he sent that video and forced her to watch some of it. She facetimed him and went: ‘i weirdly assumed hed be like in the videos you sent but he seems really shy’ Him: ‘its called acting, mother’ *turns to me and raises his hands towards our mom like can you believe her for not knowing this*

He then notified everyone that the actor who plays his Bri Bri is actually straight and that he is shocked by the news. And then his friend told him he knew cause he googled him and my brother blocked his number for 2 hours cause he got offended.

By the way, yesterday I watched that red blue movie and i was so confused cause there was no swearing and no dicks and no actual sex scenes. Cant decide if that makes it boring or what but fuck do i hate censorship, anyway back to the pretty boy’ I AM DYING OVER THIS!

As Soph has said, Gale will use 100 hundred words to say something that should take 10. Love that for him and for us.

I love how protective your brother is over Gale and Randy, they really do deserve all our protection. People were awful to them.

It’s called acting. I’m so dead. Yes, he’s nothing like your brother’s beloved BriBri. But also, that’s a good thing? Brian is my best beloved blorbo but he’s not exactly the picture of mental and emotional well being (who is?) and I hope Gale is more comfortable with his emotions and with vulnerability. For his own sake.

I feel honored that you would recommend my fic to your brother! After he learns about the existence of fan fiction.

[danepopfrippery]

I like how Crazy Ex Gf ended man-less. I also loooove that music was her love cuz music was my earliest love. But unlike Rachel Bloom i not only had poor parents, but i lived in a world where ‘30,000 pop city’ was ‘big’ (yet another way my hoar mother ruined my life but thats not the point). Oh and most importantly: most of it was pre internet.

I tried local vocal lessons, they were a joke and she was the only teacher 3hrs around. Id try for choir and extra choir stuff but they always left me hanging (private vocal lesson was my teacher ran an errand for 30 mins while i seethed). Band teachers were as bad and of ni help. And of course my hoar mother did nothing but discourage anything that made noise or reminded her i was alive (id walk i shit you not, 2 miles in the snow, for those useless lessons).

Later when i moved mildly less rural (nearest big town was 100,000 and half hr away) i got a better teacher and the stuff he taught me still is in there, but objectively he wasnt a good teacher (he couldnt take me beyond very basics, like shit u can knock out in 5 youtube vids now). And my lessons for vocal and piano were $50 and that was a lot for poor ppl.

When i moved to the city i tried my own vocal lessons but even when i found good i couldnt afford them w rent, and they were now $100. Id given up on piano and guitar except little bursts where id try to teach myself.

Finally i hit la and gave up entirely. Id been fighting 10 years and la rent doesnt leave room for extras. Years later i took vocal and trumpet classes at pcc which is really renowned and had pretty decent staff. I liked the vocal teacher, trumpet claimed u could be a beginner but expected u had done xyz despite that. I gave up when fibro and rent overwhelmed me. I did try harder on self voice and my asshole ex claimed he thought i was good despite 1) me never believing that and 2) not aware he ever heard me.

Back in 100,000 rural hell i took to youtube for the first time plus apps. Its early but i can tell it wouldve really made a dif back then if youtube had existed.

I guess this rant is cuz in the show Rebecca (who was bad with money and that came to a head end of s1 and then was literally never mentioned again) presumably still has enough money for equipment and frequent lessons despite pretzels. And she learns and does well in a year.

Could u imagine what america would be like if we actually supported the arts for people who dont make $100,000 a year? I hear beautiful singers all the time or at least when i used to go out. They got 5 kids and are running errands and would declare learning that stuff ‘not for ppl like us’ and/or the famous ‘wont make me any money.’

Yup in this time and place making money on art is harrrrd esp music even for big deal ppl. But why cant we just study and love it for fun? Ugh.

So i loved the ending but it did leave me a little salty

[pythiaba]

teal deer b4nes a big old asshole on a high horse but their horse is thumbelina the dwarf mini pony cardboard edition and also they proved their point immediately, you guys are too used to people being polite and being able to threaten retaliation with magic. being deity adjacent does not protect your bank account from these hands.

this is long and hours after the fact but ive been biting my digital tongue and whatever! i wanna say it and i will, i am prepared to deal with the consequences of my actions

b4ne absolutely has a point in that using your name on the internet anytime anywhere is a terrible fucking idea. people can get so much off of your name, its stupid. not to mention that people are on here all the time playing ask games about what their favorite things are where theyve lived where theyd like to go, its basically any hackers wet dream for getting into your accounts and stealing your skin.

goin off of their posts, i feel like b4nes been in this field for a hot minute, theyre older than the “average age” of tumblr users (quotations because some of yall act like early 20s when youre 500+), and theyre dead sick and fucking tired of repeating themselves that putting your info online is a terrible idea. so they veer into mega bootyhole territory and within 10 minutes of talking to someone, doxx them to prove their point.

and firstly, you guys go “holy shit how did you do that”

then you all got supremely pissed off at them for doing it because you suddenly realized it was a genuine threat and anyone youve met up to this point has been kind enough to Not Do That.

hi. im capable of doing what b4ne did. the difference is that 1 i dont have any real reason to, 2 because what happened to b4ne would happen to me (you guys getting mad and threatening to show up in my house with magic), and 3 i dont go rubbing that ability in peoples faces. (i do warn people on my pinned with a vague statement about being a hacktivist.)

most you guys arent human. you are powerful! you have magic and godly abilities and teleportation and you go to the moon for fucking fun. even humans largely dont take cybersecurity very seriously, but why would you, you think, you can retaliate by casting thunderwave up the asshole of the next idiot to cross you!

...if you can find them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 ive noticed most of you guys cant seem to be able to visit people without certain requirements being met. idk how you expect to actually do anything but block and report, and tbh they can just make a new account. its very easy

so i get that this doesnt exactly translate as a problem, especially for those of you that live in pocket dimensions and stuff. if you live in a lawless wasteland where you make the rules cuz youre the only person there, go ahead, do what you want, hell keep doing what you want, but im dead serious when i say that not everyone will come in microdick swinging like b4ne did and be polite enough to tell you they did it

bc they did not have to

they are a massive fucking asshole who clearly thinks theyre better than everyone because i sus they dont quite remember how to socialize properly but they have an extremely good point that they proved was a good point. continue to be mad at them for the former but for the love of jack frost understand the consequences of using your name everywhere are very real, s e r i o u s l y we are not required to tell you that we figured out your social in 10 minutes out of curiosity

now. to b4ne!

HI THESE PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY POWERFUL, IDK WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR END OF THE UNIVERSE BUT YOURE A FUCKIN IDIOT AND I CANT WAIT FOR  THE SECOND SOMEONE IS A GOD AND CAN HACK YOU BACK SO YOU GET SOME KARMA WHEN THEY YEET YOU

because itll be hilarious. promise to liveblog it pls

tho ideally if youre firing off all this bullshit you know the best plan is to use a computer and printer from the 90s and take them out back the second they get a whiff of the idea of bluetooth

what is it everyone says about serial killers after they get caught...? “they were so nice!” “so helpful, so kind!”

just because someones kind doesnt mean they wont do certain things is basically what she said.

also, you appear to refuse to engage with what you dont understand if you cant easily talk down to the other party and brush it off like the ramblings of a madman, which is telling of your ability to actually listen and learn, so i dont actually expect much from you reading this post on the offchance you do

‘everything being perfect’, aka the definition of utopia, does indeed straight up not require being nice. what would be a utopia for you likely wouldnt be a utopia for me. maybe my utopia is literal hell /j

utopias are impossible under free will, everyone jot that down (my brothers high school counselor especially). post was stupid and i recommend deleting it makes zero sense

flying in being a colossal asshole to people you just met does not a pleasant and attentive crowd make. you know what you coulda done to prove your point in a kind way without exactly repeating yourself with “dont use your name online”? 

“guys, seriously, i can find a lot. i can prove it, one of you volunteer and ill dm all your information to you. see, now that users wigged because i know that at 3:57pm they took their dog out to pee bc i looked through their ring camera recordings and told them their hair was a mess.”

instead you read like you came here to get an ego boost because nobody irl takes you or your job seriously, and boo fuckin hoo, me too buddy, i just bitch about it like a normal person instead of doxxing some poor bastard at the drop of a hat because i logged in in a pissy mood bc my boss took credit for my code again

you may have knowledge of cybersecurity but youve the attitude of a toddler and i dont know why you bothered making an account on this website. you can get your kicks elsewhere while doing actual good. (no, what you did isnt really good.) consider drinking water, touching grass, taking a deep breath, and playing some neopets. 

continue to be entertaining to patches lest she appear in the shadows of your house and giggle from the corners over the next 4 months while you become increasingly paranoid and withdrawn from the world because youre getting stalked and ghosted by all the people you drove away that coulda helped you

to all of you, this isnt some gotcha, i dont think im better than any of you, but this is extremely frustrating to have backread and im gonna need all of you to take a breath and eat a snickers. 👋

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 45

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: please take note that this is mostly a filler chapter, just like chapter 46 and 47 will be. I have everything planned for 48, 49 and 50 tho. and then the story will be over :( if you want anything added to the filler chapters, please message me. tbh i would love you so so much lol! so yea, im super stressed about ending this story, i cant even explain. ALSO: time will pass quicker in the last few chapters so check the dates!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : the 2 requests added will be posted at the bottom of this post to avoid spoilers!!!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 45 : His chapter

NIALL

August 16th, 2018

I didn't know exactly what woke me up but I just turned around in bed, wrapping my arm around Liv's body and moving a bit closer before trying to fall back asleep. Unfortunately, my phone started vibrating on my bedside table and I groaned when I realized I forgot to put it on mute before falling asleep. I couldn't remember how long how making love session had lasted and I couldn't even remember when I actually fell asleep.

I grimaced and sighed before turning around and reaching out for my phone, searching for it with my eyes closed. My fingers finally gripped it and I decided to sit up, rubbing my eyes as I tried to read the message I had received. I noticed Louis' face next to the message and I frowned. It's not that Louis never texted me but I was still surprised to see that notification, especially so early in the morning.

'Had fun last night? 😏' was all he had sent me along with a link.

I turned to look at Olivia who was still deeply asleep, laying on her stomach, with the covers just over her butt and I finally got out of bed slowly and gently, making sure I wouldn't wake her up. I walked to the kitchen, letting out a yawn as I passed my hand in my messy hair, and decided to make coffee as I clicked on the link.

I frowned when I recognize my living room and I saw myself get up from the couch, suddenly realizing it was my instagram live from the night before. i frowned more, wondering why Louis would send me the link since I couldn't remember saying or doing anything remotely bad but when Olivia's legs appeared in the screen, I realized my mistake. I had probably not stopped the live properly and my heart jumped in my chest, trying to remember what exactly we had said and done right after.

I heard my girlfriend tell me I was a good person and groaned low again when I heard myself ask her if it turned her on. No one could see us kiss since the laptop was placed on the coffee table and we were standing up but even if I was whispering, the words "I'm gonna miss you so much." could easily be heard before she replied that she was going to miss me more.

"Fucking hell..." I whispered as I blinked a few times, staring at the screen where we could clearly see me leading Liv in the hall as she stepped back, our lips attached to each other's as we made out.

She hit the wall and we both laughed as I let out a 'clumsy ass!' the way I always did before an 'I love you' escaped my lips. I felt my heart jump in my chest knowing so many people had actually witnessed something so personal and I swallowed before sighed and passing my hand in my hair again. We disappeared from the screen as the sound of a door being closed could be heard and I realized the video lasted 4 more minutes where nothing could be heard or seen. It had probably been about an hour since I started the livestream which was why it finally cut and I put my phone away and closed my eyes, wondering what exactly would be the repercussion of this video. I didn't want to go on twitter to read what people were saying but I knew that I would at least have to tell Liv about it.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and my lips curled slightly when I heard my girlfriend yelled from the bedroom.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

"Okay, she already knows." I whispered to myself, taking a sip from my hot drink and leaning against the counter.

It took her only a few seconds but I saw her appear in front of me, her hair even messier than mine and wearing only my shirt. I wanted to be stressed by all this but when I saw her, my lips curled in a fond smile.

"Did Louis send it to you too?" was the first thing that got out of her mouth and I just nodded before turning around and grabbing a mug to pour her some coffee too. "That's it? That's all I get? A nod?"

I took the time to add sugar and cream in her coffee and finally turned around again to hand it to her. She stared at me for a few seconds before her eyes fell on the mug and she sighed, taking it from my hands.

"Is there anything else to say?" I just asked, shrugging a shoulder. "I mean it's on the internet probably forever and honestly, we've been lucky, especially thinking about all the times we actually just fucked on the couch I mean, this video could be so much worse."

She looked away and her eyebrows raised before she grimaced. "Yea, I guess that's some way to see it." she let out before taking a sip. "I just... Gosh I don't know, I feel violated."

"I'm sorry. Honestly, I feel like shit too. It's my mistake and it's a very bad one." I admitted, raising my nose up. "I'm sorry, petal."

Her eyes met mine and she took a step closer, tilting her chin up to keep her gaze locked with mine. I stared at her back as she blinked a few times and her thin lips curled into a fond smile.

"You're forgiven."

I let my eyes roamed on her face, knowing it was a big thing to be so easily forgiven for something like that, especially that we were both aware she would get a lot of hate because of it. I bent down slightly and let my lips brush against hers before closing my eyes and bringing my hands up to her cheeks to deepen the kiss. When we stopped, she kept hers lips pressed against mine and sighed low.

"I'm gonna turn off my notifications on twitter for a while."

I raised my nose up in a grimace and groaned. "Me too." I kissed her lips again. "We can just ignore the comments together. I promise we'll be fine."

"I know." she whispered, her lips brushing against mine. "I trust you."

I felt something stir in my heart at her words, knowing I had lost her trust last year and I had worked hard to get it back. Still, despite my efforts, she didn't have to give it back to me again, but she had, and I couldn't explain how much it meant to me.

"Thank you, pet."

                                                       ---

August 17th, 2018

I woke up around 10am, knowing I should have been up before. I had a concert on the same night and even if it was barely a two hours ride, we had to get there early to rehearse and make sure everything was in place. I was surprised to realize my girlfriend was not in bed anymore as I reached my arm on the mattress, my hand only meeting the cold sheets of the bed.

Quickly, I opened my eyes, blinking a few times, and stretched before getting up and dressing up. I walked to the kitchen only to see Liv and her lips curled when she saw me. I frowned, still surprised that she was already up, and took the mug she was handing me. I liked this habit that we had to prepare coffee if we were the first one to wake up. We had never talked about it but we just did it naturally and it was one of the many small things that made this whole relationship stronger.

"You're up early." I just pointed out before taking a sip.

"Will you miss me?" she asked quickly, ignoring my comment and making me frown.

"You know I will, petal, why are you asking?" I chuckled, taking a step closer and raising my eyebrows.

The truth was, I didn't want to leave without her but at the same time, I didn't want to force her to come with me. I knew following me on tour was not as fun as it may sound and I also knew she was busy. Of course, the fact that she was done with the season of her show gave her more free time, but the Olivia I discovered after being away from her for over a year was more independent than the Olivia I broke the heart to. She had also been right the last time we had a discussion about being away from each other. She had said it would bring us even closer and stronger together, and it had. We had spent a lot of time texting, facetiming and talking on the phone and I couldn't hide that I had missed her like crazy, but when we finally got to see each other again, it was intense. Besides, nothing would ever stop me from seeing her if at some point, it became too hard to be apart.

"How bad are you going to miss me?" she asked, once again ignoring my question.

"Pet, if I could, I'd put you in my bags and bring you with me."

This answer seemed to satisfy her as her lips curled more and she licked them before putting her mug away. I took a sip in mine but quickly, she grabbed it too and put it next to hers before taking my hand and pulling me with her.

"Are you bringing me in bed for a good fuck or something?"

This time, she laughed and the sound of it made me smile. She brought me to the hall and my lips parted when I saw her luggage in the lobby, laying near the door. I turned to her after a few seconds and she raised her eyebrows.

"If you don't want me to come with you, I'll definitely understand." she just said, shaking her head. "But I've had enough to be away from you. I miss you too much. What do you say?"

I felt my heart jump in my chest and let out a low chuckle before bending down slightly and wrapping my arms right under her butt to lift her up. She let out a short scream and a laugh, making my smile grow.

"Fuck yes!"

"Niall! Put me down! You're gonna hurt yourself!"

I did as she asked and as soon as she was back on her feet, I pushed her against the wall and looked down at her with a smile. She looked up and licked her lips before nibbling on her bottom one, her eyes never leaving mine and a smile still spread on her face.

"I didn't want to force you into coming with me, but fuck, I wanted to ask you to follow me again." I whispered, bending down slightly to brush my nose against hers. "Thank you for coming with me. It makes me so happy, darling."

"I was not sure if you still wanted me to come. I don't want to be annoying, or dependent. I just want to be with you."

My happy smile turned into a fond one. I didn't want her to ever believe she bothered or annoyed me. I was not the kid I used to be when I broke up with her, I didn't see things the same way, and I had learned.

"I always want to be with you. Your presence is a gift for me, I want you to always remember that, okay?" I murmured, feeling my lips brush against hers as I talked. "Don't ever try to be someone else. I love you best when you're just yourself."

She chuckled. "Did you just quote your own song?"

I sent her a smirk and shrugged, my body still pressed on hers. "It's my words, I can use them whenever I want. Besides, I wrote it for you, so."

"Okay but, can I really show you my heart? You promise you won't break it again?"

I rubbed my nose gently and slowly against hers again, making her eyelids flutter slightly.

"I swear." I breathed. "You're everything I want."

                                                   ---

September 12th, 2018

When I walked back in the hotel room after the show, my lips curled when I noticed Liv coming out of the bathroom, her body wrapped in a fluffy white towel. She looked surprised for half a second and finally sent me a smile while tilting her head. I took a few steps closer and placed my hands on her hips but she quickly took a step back and shook her head.

"Nooo, nop!" she let out, making me raise her eyebrows. "You're all sweaty and shit. Take a shower first!"

"I thought seeing me all sweaty made you horny." I argued, my lips curling into a smirk.

"Watching you all wet turns me on too." she admitted, pressing her lips together. "Go shower and I promise to stay naked, deal?"

This time, I smirked even more and waggling my eyebrows, making her laugh. "Can I get a glimpse?" I asked, pulling gently on the top of the towel and letting my gaze drop in her cleavage.

"No!" she argued, slapping my hand slightly and chuckling. "Hurry!"

I groaned and rushed to the bathroom, getting quickly undressed and starting the shower. I let out a sigh as I tilted my chin, feeling the warm water fall in my face and wet my hair. The past months had been exhausting, mentally and physically, but I could actually say that I was in the exact place I wanted to be. I didn't feel this hole inside my chest anymore. Somehow, it was filled with something that I desperately needed without really realizing it. It was not only the love we had for each other that mattered, it was also the friendship, the history, the trust, the hope and the need we felt toward the other... all of this filled everything that needed to be filled. She was my home, and I was hers. I had never felt like that for anyone else in my life.

I quickly got out of the shower and dried my body and hair before wrapping the towel around my waist. When I walked back in the room, my lips parted slightly and I stopped dead in my track. She was laying in bed, on her stomach, her headphones on as she seemed to read something (a book or a magazine, perhaps?), still completely naked. I stared for a few seconds at the back of her head before my eyes moved down to her ass. I didn't know if she did that just to turn me on but it definitely worked. I took the towel off and let it fall next to me before grabbing my cock in my hand and stroking it gently.

She started humming a song low and I was so focused on her naked form that it took me half a minute to realize it was one of mine. It made the left corner of my lips raise up and I let my free hand run down to my balls as I got harder.

Being able to have sex with her every time I came back to the hotel room was one of the perks of having her on tour, along with many others, of course. I normally prefer to be alone but when it came to Olivia, everything seemed different. I didn't feel stuck in this relationship, or smothered by it. I still wanted us to be private and couldn't wait until people would stop mentioning that video or us after my livestream but at the same time, It didn't bother me the way it would have before. After all, I was dating her, and for the very first time in my life, I wanted it to last forever. Just that thought seemed crazy to me and my heart skipped a beat.

I took a step closer to her and without thinking, I straddled her quickly and stared down as I pushed my cock inside her. She tensed and I felt her walls press around the tip of my cock, making me groan.

"Don't move, baby." I whispered before realizing she probably couldn't hear me.

I kept looking down as I slowly pushed myself more inside her until I was balls deep and moaned low. She felt amazing, as she always did, and my whole body started throbbing. I leaned closer to her, holding myself with my hands near her shoulders, and moved my hips back before thrusting in her again.

"F-Fuck."

The way she whimpered made me smile and with one hand, I took her headphones off and it fell off the bed, making a soft sound as it hit the carpet. I bent down slightly and brushed my lips on her ear.

"I don't think what you're reading is as interesting as what I'm doing to you, is it, petal?"

I watched her eyes flutter closed and her lips part before laying on top of her and slipping one  of my arms around her. My hand reached for her neck and I pressed my fingers on her throat as I tried to hold myself with the elbow of my other arm, making sure I didn't crush her or hurt her.

"Is it?" I asked again, a little louder this time.

"Mm, nothing is better than what you're doing to me." she admitted in a whisper, making me smile more.

"How much do you like my cock inside your pretty little cunt, pet?"

She moved her ass up to feel me deeper and I breathed through my teeth at the amazing sensation, remaining motionless for a few seconds. She started wiggling a bit and my grip tightened around her neck.

"So.. so much." she whimpered again, gripping the sheets of the bed with both hands.

"You're so fucking impatient." I whispered with a chuckle, letting go of her throat and sitting back on her legs. "Didn't think I'd find you laying on the bed naked like that, just waiting for me. You have no idea how hard that made me."

I stared down at my cock moving slowly in and out of her as I moved and enjoyed the moans coming out of her mouth every single time I was completely inside her.

"Fuck, Niall, please."

I looked up and grabbed her hair, pulling on it a bit as she let out a louder whimper.

"Fuck, you're so wet." I whispered, gripping her hair tighter. "I want to cum inside you, petal."

I watched her move a bit, her body twisting as she slipped one of her arms under her body to reach for her clit. She rubbed the tip of her fingers on my balls, making me groan, and finally started touching herself, making her ass grind up. I started fucking her harder and faster, in motion with her ass moving up and it only took a minute or two until she started shaking beneath me. The sight was amazing and I groaned as I came too, pushing her hard despite myself in the mattress.

"Jesus Christ." I whispered before going limp on top of her.

I heard her chuckle and my lips curled too as I brushed them on her shoulder. She shivered and I smiled even more when goosebumps appeared on her now damp skin.

"I love having sex with you." she admitted, making me laugh lightly.

"Oh darling, I love having sex with you, too."

I trailed kisses on her neck and shoulder and after a while, I moved next to her, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling. We were on the wrong side of the bed and I felt my heels lean against one of the pillows.

"And I love spending time with you. I love being close to you. I love that you followed me here. I love that you're still my best friend after all this time. I love that we get along so well, that we grew up together, that we're even closer than we used to be." I confessed slowly in a soft tone. "I love that you love me. I love that I love you. I love the team we make. I love you, Olivia."

I turned my head her way and she was staring at her. She seemed on the verge on tears but I knew they were happy tears and I sent her a fond smile before moving on my side to see her better. I brought one of my hands to her cheek and pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"The truth is, I can't wait to marry you, to start a family with you, to grow old with you."

Her eyes roamed on my face and she swallowed hard. We both remained silent for a while and she pressed her lips together. It was so endearing that I smiled more and let my fingertips run on her shoulder and down her sides, until her waist.

"You..." she started, stopping herself again for a few seconds before her eyes met mine. "The first time we dated, it was everything that scared you about our couple. That's why you broke up with me, remember?"

I held my head with my hand, my arm on the mattress, and she moved closer, licking her lips and waiting for my answer. Of course I remembered, how could I not?

"I know." I replied, nodding lightly. "I was a fuckin' idiot. I mean, I still am." I shrugged with a chuckle. "But I'm an idiot who will never make that mistake again. I don't want to be with anyone else. And I don't want to be away from you."

"For someone who supposedly suck at expressing his feelings, you're doing quite well." she pointed out with a big smile.

I laughed too and shrugged again. "I've been thinking about what I was going to say for days." I admitted, glancing away before looking back at her. "I almost wrote a song instead."

"You could have," she whispered, reaching for my hand and squeezing my fingers. "I love hearing you sing."

I smiled again and pulled her closer to me to feel her body against mine. I lied down on my back again and she cuddled my side quickly. We stayed quiet for a while and every time she'd tilt her chin up to kiss mine, it would make me smile. It made me realize I had everything I needed, everything I wanted... I had everything I didn't even know I needed, and didn't even know I wanted.

"Do you still want to elope?" I asked randomly after a while.

"It's still a dream of mine, yea." she replied in a gentle tone. "But I know you'd prefer a normal wedding with our families and friends. I'm okay with that."

"I'm sure we can make a compromise."

She moved her head up to look in my eyes and frowned a bit. "This is... hypothetical, right?"

I let my eyes roam again on her face and something stirred inside me. I had no idea it was possible to love someone so bad. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much you that you'd be ready to change your life plans for them. But here I was, staring at the only woman I ever fell in love with, knowing that I'd do anything for her, and that I would never stop loving her.

"Of course, we're just talking." I lied, my lips curling more. "So we'd elope and get married in Vegas, and then make a big party with our friends and family. And then what?"

"Honeymoon? If we're not too busy..."

"We'll make time." I replied firmly. "Bali or Bora Bora?"

She laughed and turned to lay on her back, my arm still behind her neck, and she finally shook her head. "I don't care where we go, Niall. As long as I'm with you."

the requests

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

alright everyone raise your hand if you know where this is going.....yeah im sorry, this is about to be a train wreck of a vent post

okay so ur local teen is a smidge anxious and upset if i do say so myself. for the main reasons, of course. i’ve done literally nothing all summer, and the jealousy and anger is catching up with me, and it’s really just *chef’s kiss*. um, im also PMS-ing so that’s probably why i’ve consistently felt like shit for DAYS on end. um, i cant really tell my mom that i “can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, it’s not a trans thing, it’s called i think im fucking losing it” or something similar, not anything else. it’s um.....i absolutely hate it. i cant really talk to my therapist right now, which limits my options to family and friends. i /could/ talk to my family, but i wouldnt want to worry them, and i dont want them to send me to a psych ward. and i know that my friends are here, and they always are, but i dont want them to worry, a lot of them have jobs, and i also feel like i overshare a lot....i do overshare a lot, actually, and ive realized that it’s kinda frowned upon. so im not gonna do that. (check back in with me, this is going to cause me to bottle my emotions) i cant really find the healthy medium between those two.

let me just talk about fandom shit really quickly, because my god, i belong to a few and theyre notorious for being “toxic”. okay so, fandoms arent toxic, people are toxic. a lot of the time, a large group in that fandom have done something really shitty, or are known for something really shitty, and everyone forms one negative opinion of that group of people. kinda like stereotyping, but not quite. let me talk about BNHA for a bit. this fandom is known for “being toxic” now, let me say, i see a LOT of shit going on, a lot of discourse, and its nasty as fuck. its gross. my rule is “do what you want within reason” i just....jesus the shit going on...um. so it’s gross sexualizing of minors, all that shit, ew, nasty, disgusting, hate it. but like...bad things make it harder for me to enjoy a piece of media that BRINGS ME LEGIT JOY. like bad ppl, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, let me enjoy this. i go “am i a bad person for liking this” no, no im not, theres just a fuck ton of bad apples who kinda fuck everything up for everyone. thats it. 

and heyy, this is where we get into deep rooted issues. i have intrusive thoughts. i usually dont dwell on them, because of my relationship of “if you think this will happen, it will, especially if it’s a bad thing” and like?? i have a grandfather who’s older, im terrified of something happening to him, my dad is older, im terrified of something happening to him too. my mom as well. and especially my brother. and me too, like of course me! i have random aches and i go “is this it, am i just gonna die from this” and there’s the constant fear that i have of “i could be secretly dying and know nothing about it.” which is fun to think about. and sometimes before i go to sleep, i think “i could wake up and be dead” so thats also lots of fun to think about. my thoughts are terrifying. as well as that, i know they’re also probably not that normal. for someone of my age, absolutely not. there’s no way that im not like??? losing it with these thoughts.

also i hate the fact that my parents are arguing over some of the dumbest shit. i can hear my mom talk about my dad from MY ROOM, she’s in the kitchen, all the way across the house. and she does the same thing with me, which i hate. it hurts to have people talk about you, but especially behind your back. when they might think that they cant hear you. i hate that she does that. if she has a problem with me, please say it to my face, it’s gonna hurt, but i honestly dont even care enough, like thanks for damaging me, but saying that i keep “doing this shit” years ago, still sticks with me.

i sleep all day (because i go to sleep at 4, 5 in the morning) and also because being awake reminds me that im wasting my life, and my time. there’s also like nothing to do. i could clean, but for what? if i bake too early in the morning, i get frustrated, and scared that im just gonna feel sick (another fear of mine, yayyy), like i have when i bake too early. going outside is boring, i cant go outside of the house. my friends in town probably arent vaccinated, so theres that. my mom thinks im seeing one specific person (and im not) and for sexual reasons, in which, thanks a lot. it’s not even for that reason. i just want a hug, that’s it. it’s literally so simple. i want a hug, and to sit in the park and just bask in the sunlight with people that actually love and appreciate me. for once. but apparently i cant.

im just....done with everything. and tired.

i honestly need a fucking psychological evaluation, so does the rest of my fucking family. im tired of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. there’s no way that the normal person does these things, and thinks these thoughts. 

but yeah um, if ur under 18, write smut, do what you want, but dont show your naked ass on the internet bestie, it’s not worth the trauma.

yes, i write smut, yes its what im known for, HOWEVER, my mutuals dont see me in a sexual light, they see me as me, ellie the kiddo who writes smut and who also bakes occasionally.

ima go eat.

[halorocks1214]

the law of relativity

AO3 Link

Word Count: 9963

Summary: The Law of Relativity states that each person will receive a series of problems (‘tests of initiation’) for the purpose of strengthening the ‘light’ within. We must consider each of these tests to be a challenge and remain connected to our hearts when proceeding to solve the problems. This law also teaches us to compare our problems to others’ problems and put everything into its proper perspective. No matter how bad we perceive our situation to be, there is always someone who is in a worse position. It is all relative

Previous Parts (in order): Alan | Virgil | You are here! | Gordon

WHY 👏🏼 CANT 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 WRITE 👏🏼 FICS 👏🏼 IN 👏🏼 MO 👏🏼 DER 👏🏼 RATION 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 also just bluuuergh. dont ask about this fic. part of it was written in a dark auditorium, another was written in a different state, another was written on a frickin bus, this fic has been places ill tell you what. half the time i think this is hot garbage and the other half i think its actually decent so im posting this while my head is in a good headspace and then promptly yeeting myself off the internet for a few hours to wait and see what happens. this series is becoming less of a canon divergence AU and more of a straight-up AU because of certain details im trying to worm in there buT IM TRYING MY BEST

thanks once more to @gumnut-logic, because of the length, this time i used three prompts, them being "What do you mean?", crease, and dream (and they werent even used that much sksksksk)

Warnings for both graphic and non-graphic depictions of violence, as well as mentions of torture and other PTSD/panic attack related stuff. I went deep with this one fellas

Orphan.

The word tasted dirty in his mouth.

He can still see the footage in the backs of his eyelids from when he watched it exactly one year ago. He was the only other (living) adult at the time in the family outside of Grandma, so he was permitted to see it. He remembered they originally didn’t want to show him, mainly because of his age, but Grandma was fierce, and she put one hell of an argument on the table.

One Scott refused to let fall through the cracks by breaking down. If only Grandma knew how he cried his eyes out and screamed to high heaven that night in the hotel room after essentially watching his father be blown to bloody smithereens then she was a goddamn saint for keeping it a secret. It made sense, she was the mother to his father. She had quite the line up of stories from Jeff’s childhood. Scott sensed the early-greying of his hair came from her, heh.

The rest of his family eventually saw it, of course, they did. Scott couldn’t shield them forever. What he will protect, selfishly he might add, was how angry he was at how much better they took it than he did. They cried, yes they did, but they never fully broke down like Scott did. Later in life, he wondered if it was jealousy: jealousy at not truly being able to let go. Whatever it was, he made sure to swallow it along with whatever alcohol he chose for the weekend.

Just add it to the ever-growing pile of shit he had to deal with. Nothing new.

Suddenly he’s 20 again and seated in a plane to be taken to his first stint in the Air Force. He said his goodbyes to Virgil, Gordon, and Alan back at home while Grandma and John metaphorically held his hand all the way to the airport. John was… quiet, more so than usual, but Grandma was stuck right in the middle between being a sobbing mess and ecstatic at the fine young man he’s become.

You’re just like your father. He would be proud.

Scott was secretly glad she never physically said it. It gave him plausible deniability in thinking that those words weren’t laced behind her big, bright, prideful eyes.

The first time went well, maybe even great. He stayed for a couple of months, did some flight tests, and while the training was brutal, boy did he learn a lot. When he came back home it was to a family slowly stitching itself back together. Grandma was a full-time house member, Virgil had taken up painting, Gordon talked about potentially going back to his swim meets, and while Alan was still as silent as ever, he was perkier than when Scott last saw him.

It would be on and off for the next few years: a couple of months at home, slowly and painfully taking over the role their father had (he can’t remember when he essentially received joint custody of his younger siblings with Grandma, but hey, he’s not complaining), then a couple of months out at the Air Force base where he slowly climbed up the ranking platform. He became skillful, perhaps too skillful. When he got his rank of Captain he felt it was less of an honor and more of something they owed him.

He was getting cocky. Never enough to be a danger to his fellow men, but enough to be somewhat of an occasional annoyance. Charles smacked him upside the head more than once. It felt like the world was right-side-up for once. Scott made many-a-calls to John and Virgil, the former enjoying his first few rotations up in space and the latter squarely in the middle of college. Gordon was being offered sponsorships to hell and back, and Alan was quietly getting along with the other kids at his school. Grandma was on welcoming duty for Kayo, who was taking her slot in the Tracy family with grace, though, a warning that their family would take custody of her if something were to happen to her parents would have been nice, Dad.

Of course, nothing ever goes right for their family for too long.

Orphan.

Age 24, it was supposed to be a simple retrieval mission of civilians. Scott was put in charge of his squad and then some. At night, they rolled-- well, flew out to get the job done. Scott can’t even remember the country anymore when minding his own business. Australia? Finland? Perhaps Bangladesh? There was a place John was insistent Scott never do rescues in, Virgil tended to agree, and the eldest unhealthily let them banish him from ever stepping foot there without argument. He could never remember the name off the top of his head until John’s familiar International Rescue, we have a situation rung out in the living room followed by the name of the country.

He would immediately forget it later, trauma too strong, too volatile, but the way his heart stopped and his head shattered and the way he felt ice water rush down his back was a good enough reason to quietly leave the room and let John delegate the job to one of his brothers. Sometimes John found him retching in the toilet halfway through the mission. He made sure to always mute Scott’s wrist communicator, even if it was never turned on in the first place.

The plane touched down. Orders sent the ground team out. But then the ground team took longer than estimated. Scott tensely waited where he was told to. It wasn’t the first mission that took a little longer than predicted and knowing humans, it surely wouldn’t be the last. Then, words mixed with heavy static came over the radio. H--p. Co-- ---7--. --nd ba---p --me--at--y.

Scott sat tensely in his seat, remembering his orders and suddenly hating them. Radio back to home if the mission goes south. Well, it didn’t look like they had the radio anymore. Still didn’t hurt to try at least. Scott spoke the familiar protocol that was ingrained into him when trying to call base. Dammit. Nothing. Probably some kind of blocker of sorts. Sitting up straight as a board, Scott looked through his options.

… He was in charge here. If something happened to his team the fault would lie squarely on his shoulders. Going against everything but his gut, he went out to help his squad. He can’t really remember what he exactly did anymore, but he does remember that it made a noise. Like a Looney Tunes scene: he flinched, froze, waited to see if anything or one heard, breathed a sigh of relief, and continued.

He eventually stumbled across one of his closest comrades, Arnold Brigeets. Yes, the name was ironic and half the reason he joined the force in the first place. The guy was one of the people that actually trained Scott and also seemed to be one of the few that was genuinely proud when Scott became a higher rank. It’s why Scott was more appreciative of Arnold than others, that, and well… Scott thought his fatherly abilities were good. The guy did have three kids back home.

Orphan.

Ducking down behind the cover his older friend was semi-situated behind, Scott watched as Arnold jumped at the intrusion before sighing. Scott had run into some enemies that he swiftly took down-- nothing too serious, he didn’t have the time or weapons for such an act, but they definitely would be out of it for a while-- so Arnold must have too on his way to find cover as well, hence why he was so on edge.

“Thank God,” Arnold wiped his forehead, “Glad to see you join us, kid.”

Scott was breathing heavily, but the grin he attempted was still there, “Y-Yeah, so what happened? More threats than we thought?”

Arnold shook his head, “Yes and no. There were a lot more baddies than we thought, but that’s because the civilians weren’t civilians. It’s a tr--”

Boom. The familiar sound of a gunshot.

Arnold fell over. Never got back up. Dropped like a rock in a lake, never to come up to the surface again.

Scott was so caught off guard he couldn’t react to the gun that swiftly beat him over the head, knocking him out cold. The only thing on his mind was oh fuck oh fuck I messed up I shouldn’t have come I wouldn’t have made any noise that way why did I--

They had him for roughly two weeks. Scott always thought the plotline in movies where the villain vehemently denied knowing any important information was dumb as hell. We’re not stupid. We wouldn’t go after someone if they didn’t know something.

The things they did hurt and no amount of I don’t fucking know anything! would help. Those two weeks were lost to Scott in a sea of pain and torment. The only thing he remembered was being captured, then waking up in a hospital drugged up to his gills with his superiors staring at him like he cured cancer.

“You saved the rest of your squad from sharing the same fate as the first half.”

“I-I did?”

“You betcha, son. I only wish I was there to see it! People be saying you were like an animal in how you took ‘em all down.”

Scott’s never remembered, and he wanted to keep it that way.

He was given the highest honors, even the chance to skip a couple of ranks to be at the same level as the big boys, but the night they were going to share the news to the golden boy himself, they found him in one of the bathrooms with a bloody hand and a mirror shattered with no hope of fixing it.

He was honorably discharged to a family that was so thankful he was home. Words like missing in action and POA never stopped haunting their nightmares. Scott was too, God, of course, he was, but sitting around and doing nothing was the last thing his traumatized mind wanted or maybe even needed. After doing what he considered to be the biggest fuck-up of his life, he needed to feel important.

This isn’t the first time he’ll say this and it surely won’t be the last: thank Christ for Grandma.

“You want me to take over?...”

“Yep, it’s about time Tracy Industries received a new pair of eyes. The Board certainly thinks so.”

“But… they’d rather have a crazy, PTSD-infected veteran over you?”

A rough pinch to his ear, “Hey now, don’t call yourself that,” the gentle motherly tone was back as soon as it left, “Besides, that crazy might exactly be what they want. Half of their argument is that I “don’t take enough risks.” They’re getting tired of listening to an old fart like me.”

A moment of contemplation, followed by the cheeky raise of an eyebrow, “So you’re saying you want me to take so many risks they have no choice but to take you back?”

A bark of laughter, “Damn straight.”

He learned the ropes faster than normal (healthy, is probably the correct term), and he immediately won the hearts of both young and old in the company. Instead of flying planes every few months, he worked on business reports and vetoed new ideas every couple of weeks. It felt satisfying for the most part, and his family was just happy he was still alive to enjoy it.

However, there was a slight roadblock on his way to becoming a somewhat stable person.

He became prone to violent blackouts. It had to have started when he blacked out and saved himself from those two weeks of hell, which made the most sense. Something was always destroyed when he came back to life. John was the best at calming him down due to his own experience with panic attacks, however, John couldn’t always be there, and the next rotation for NASA was coming swiftly. Scott swore up and down he would be fine, he could figure something out. John went back into space with an eyebrow permanently raised.

It was just him and Virgil home (Grandma had taken Alan and Kayo to watch Gordon swim) when he, unfortunately, proved John right. Scott wasn’t sure what triggered it, but he vividly remembered coming back in Virgil’s extremely tight hold. The first thing Scott thought to say was damn, beanstalk, when did you get so strong? but then he laid his eyes upon the forming bruise on his younger bro’s face and hasn’t recovered since.

Virgil swore he never held it against Scott. Scott definitely thought he should have.

That night brought sudden clarity to Scott that he was doing this horribly wrong. He was a ticking time bomb, and it wouldn’t be long before something was damaged in a way that couldn’t be fixed. Scott needed an anchor. Something to ground him before he took it too far. John wasn’t going to be earthside forever, Grandma was busy with Kayo, Alan was just a kid, and Gordon was living the dream. None of them were viable.

Then, as he was thinking, he was suddenly aware of how calming Virgil’s arms were around him, how they were preventing the growing panic attack in his chest from getting even bigger.

It was easy.

For once in Scott’s life, his eyes were big and young as he asked Virgil, “Help me, please.”

After a few brief seconds, Virgil gulped, “Okay.”

From then on, Virgil was Stone Number One. Scott’s admiration for Virgil outweighed the guilt of putting the black-haired man in that position in the first place. Virgil was glad to follow his older brother’s leadership, but just as qualified to bring him the hell back when he went too far. From getting too sacrificial to preventing a good punching-out some of the idiots they dealt with, Virgil made sure Scott knocked that shit off.

Time went on, Scott was a top-notch CEO at Tracy Industries, John was having one hell of a time up in space, Virgil was graduated and had so many life opportunities to pick from, Alan was thriving at being a (mostly) stable kid, Kayo was 100% acclimated to the family, and Gordon--

Scott found himself gripping the wooden desk very abruptly. He was shocked he didn’t snap a chunk off in the process. Why was he thinking about this right after a giant business conference? Who knows at this point. If this giant origin story seemed jagged and jumpy, maybe even somewhat vague, good, that’s how it fucking felt.

Back to said story.

Scott always thought he and Gordon would have the least amount in common.

They do, but out of all the things they could have picked to be similar, why did it have to be the PTSD caused by military-related jobs? Scott was 24 when he got his, Gordon was just under 20. It may have been a few years since their respective accidents, but they’re never going to go another day without it feeling like it was just yesterday.

At this point, Gordon was up and walking again, mainly thanks to John and Alan while Virgil and Scott helped in their own ways. Grandma’s cooking was what probably motivated him the most though, ha, the need to get away from it… Scott smiled. Grandma was always a constant. Honestly, if it weren’t for her, the family might have fallen apart. Literally.

What has he been saying throughout this whole shindig? Thank Christ for Grandma.

One day out of the blue, Grandma reserved the entire family (yes, even Kayo and Alan) private plane tickets so they could spend some time on the mainland for a few days. Honestly, even if the island wasn’t getting major renovations, you hooligans need to get out more. Have some fun. Try not to kill anything, especially each other, she all told them while creepily grinning. John and Virgil smacked Gordon more than once on the plane for insisting that she finally snapped, dudes, she’s gonna kill us.

Most of the time during their little vacation, Scott heavily focused on his breathing. He was pretty sure he knew what she was doing. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, but the same went for his excitement.

Dad showed him these plans the day after his 18th birthday. You’re a man now, Scotty, I need your help making this big boy decision with me.

As soon as they reset foot down on the island, Scott took a deep breath and felt relaxed at the salty taste in the air. It was weird, nothing on the outside was changed, and yet… it still felt different.

“Guys!” Virgil yelled out, “Stop playing in the water! We just got back, aren’t you two tired?!”

Blinking back to reality, Scott looked over to see his two youngest brothers doing exactly what Virgil was yelling at them for. Poor Johnny was a little damp too, which is what probably caused Virgil to shout at them in the first place. The blondes didn’t care. They continued to prance around in the shallow waves with their pants legs rolled up, acting as if they didn’t hear anything outside of their laughter. Gordon shoved his hands down into the liquid and threw some directly at Alan, nailing him right in the face.

Scott exhaled slowly. He couldn’t imagine them doing this 8 years ago.

Regardless, the artist was right, and they couldn’t waste too much time. Kayo was swift in grabbing both gentlemen by the ears and dragging them onto dry land. They all painstakingly trekked their way up to the-- what would you call Tracy Island? Mansion? Over-blown cabin? Well, whatever it was, Scott would always be willing to call it home.

Stepping inside, each brother took in the view, which was underwhelmingly not that much different, except for one tiny thing. John suddenly noticed a figure already standing in the living room and blinked, “No way… it’s--”

Gordon jumped in, both with his body and his words, “Brains?! Dude, how’s it hanging?!”

The scientist in question jumped at the voices before clearing his throat and readjusting his glasses, “O-Oh, hello again, T-Tracys. It’s good to see you all once more.”

Virgil slung an arm around his shoulder, ignoring the blatant squawk, “Man, how long has it been?! What made you finally decide to crawl out of your hole?”

Snickers came from all corners of the house. Brains stood up straighter, “W-Well, I was contacted b-by Mrs. Tracy over here with an offer I c-couldn’t turn down.”

Eyebrows tilted in all shapes and sizes. Someone cleared their throat. Everyone turned to look at Grandma once again, “I think if you all follow me, you’ll swiftly understand what I’m talking about.”

I already do, Scott thought matter-of-factly. John seemed to be understanding it now, Virgil was on the cusp of remembering what his father was hinting at for him, and Gordon was just as lost as Alan. It made sense, Jeff talked to all of them about it, but the oldest had seniority. The two youngest not remembering just by words was expected, especially since that was going to be rectified very quickly.

The hangar under the island was beautiful. Point blank. It smelt of iron and steel and grease and engine and that was the first time since Scott had been in the Air Force that he didn’t gag or flinch at the thought of flying something again. Scott had seen the plans his father drew. He assumed Jeff finished building it, but he never got to physically see it since…

In some ways, he was glad he didn’t. Now he got to experience it with (most of) his family, and that made it ten times better.

After letting them absorb the scenery, Grandma slowly turned around to look at them all, “You remember that dream your father had?”

The four oldest blinked, Kayo simply raised her eyebrows, meanwhile, Alan, being the teenager he was, didn’t read the emotion in the room, “Oh, yeah! Aunt Casey always talked about how he was going to “change the world” and stuff. What did he call it again?”

Scott felt way more confident than he had in a while, “International Rescue.”

Grandma nodded, gleeful at the happy look on her oldest and youngest grandsons’ faces, “Well, I’ve been thinking about some things. I know we don’t exactly worry about money, but after everything your father put into these girls… I’d hate for them to go to waste.”

The Tracy family jumped at that. John’s mouth was wide open in shock, yes, shock, “That station is still up there?”

Grandma sighed, “You mean ‘Five? Not for long. Not if we don’t send someone up there within the next few days.”

John blushed at the grin Grandma gave him. Clearing his throat, his big brain came to a startling conclusion, “Wait… you brought Alan along?”

The other big brothers in the room jumped at that. Kayo was the only one with enough balls to say the truth out loud, “Mrs. Tracy, I mean no offense, but he’s--”

“Just a kid?” Grandma smirked, “A kid that’s topped the VR charts for Intergalactic Fury for weeks straight while simultaneously getting nothing but A’s in his classes?”

Scott nodded slowly in comprehension. He remembered Alan talking about that game for a while. It was some kind of online racing simulator of sorts. Scott caught the prettiest string of words from Alan when going to bed one night. Nearly made him shit his pants. He made the kid promise to keep it PG-13 if he wanted to keep playing.

Still, the elders in the family slowly turned to look at the freckled boy with both shock and pride. Alan blinked with wide-eyed innocence, “But my English class is only at a B--”

“Shh, kiddo, I’m making a point,” Grandma rolled her eyes. The other brothers snickered. Yep, still Alan. Grandma sighed, “Now before you point out that video games are different, I know, but the difference between them and this is that video games don’t have some of the most talented older brothers in the world to guide him.”

Said older brothers jumped at the idea. Before any objection could be made, Grandma continued, “Besides, the GDF seemed to be okay with it. The Colonel was willing to oversee some of his training too.”

John flinched at that, “But IR is supposed to be independent!”

Grandma slightly frowned. She didn’t exactly like it either, “It still is, but in the world of business, compromises have to be made.”

Virgil huffed and crossed his arms, “Well, that’s… rough. Here I thought only Scott would have to deal with the bullshit of business.”

Grandma chuckled at the somewhat un-Virgil-like behavior, “It really is, Virgil. But about that Scott part,” she slowly turned to look at him and him only, “I hate to give you more work to do, but if you want to work within their restrictions?”

Suddenly every pair of eyes in the room was on the head of the family. Gulping, Scott looked down at his feet to think. It was a tense few moments, nobody sure what he was going to decide, least of all him, before the brunette cleared his throat and brought his face back up with a grin.

“Well then,” Scott turned to look at the bright tip of ‘One, chest fluttering with a feeling that became unfamiliar to him over the past few years, “I guess now it’s time to state the obvious.”

From then on, every time he loaded into that cockpit of his girl, he felt lighter than air.

“Thunderbirds are GO!”

Everything was okay again.

Mostly.

Orphan.

Scott took another sip of his whiskey and refocused on his reports.

---

Scott was in some kind of dissociative state the whole way home.

Alan doesn’t deserve this. He’s still a kid, barely an adult, and he’s going to go through utter hell because you screwed up. You were 24, Gordon was just under 20, Alan was barely 18. Alan’s going to get fucked up like you and it’s all your fault.

His movements were robotic and rigid. Anyone with a working eye could tell he was deep in shock and running on autopilot. Mostly Jeff. Especially Jeff. The rest of the brothers all noticed too, but they were also running on their own empty fuel tanks, so the only thing they could do was guilty send their older brother the occasional glance of pity and concern.

Jeff was going to need to talk to them about that. Somehow. Maybe he shouldn’t be the one to point it out since he feels just as bad. His sons were too much like him, sometimes, and that made his guilt burn all the same. He should’ve been there to warn his sons about the dangers of unnecessary guilt. Having that kind of guilt was a parent’s job, dammit, and maybe grandparents only occasionally.

But then he remembered where he’s been for the past 8 years and… who really was Alan’s parents anymore? His gut was screaming it sure as hell isn’t you, but he knew his sons would want him to step back into the role as soon as he was physically fit to do so, not just for Alan, but for themselves as well. They would deny it, but they probably just wanted to be kids again too, even if it was only brief, fleeting moments.

Who was to tell the protective, fatherly side of Jeff no to that? No better time to fix things like the present after all.

He saw Scott go up the stairs when they first stepped into the living room, so that’s where Jeff was going to go too. Footsteps light, Jeff retraced his eldest’s pathway to his bedroom. Only, he stopped before said bedroom. Unfavorable noises were coming from the closed bathroom door, and Jeff could only swallow whatever emotion it made him feel. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the (unlocked) door to the bathroom and laid his eyes upon the incriminating scene.

Jeff was met with the sight of Scott retching his entire stomach into the toilet, hands aggressively grabbing his sticky, hair-gelled hair and trying to make himself bald from the strain.

Jeff’s reaction was always based on autopilot, and it will never stop being so.

Ignoring his protesting body, Jeff kneeled and placed a hand on his son’s back, only to abruptly pull back like he touched a hot stove when Scott only got more hysterical at the contact. The brunette clenched his eyes shut even more (and they were already shut as much as possible) while his head became a special kind of crease. Like he was in pain, “God, I wanna go home. Why won’t they listen I swear I’m telling the truth! Please, I just want Dad--”

Jeff was frozen on the spot, heart stopping in the process. His brain shut down while he watched his son continue to mindlessly ramble and panic. His freaked-out mind barely registered footsteps from behind in the hallway, followed by a voice going what’s going-- holy--

Something thundered past him. Blinking once, Jeff guiltily watched as Virgil kneeled behind the eldest and wrapped his arms around the thin man’s shoulders while taking Scott’s hands in his in a protective blanket, “Scott! Jesus-- we’re at home, you’re safe and it’s June 14th, 2--”

Scott only struggled more, panicking at the fact he could no longer yank his hair out. Dammit, it was the only way he could feel in control, don’t take that away too! “No! I swear I’ve said everything! Please--”

Virgil immediately knew that this was one of those attacks that Scott wasn’t coming back down from with pure human intervention. Add-on the sight of his father’s big eyes signifying the man was at a loss at what to do, Virgil had no choice. He snapped loudly, remembering the comms were still on and only feeling slightly bad at the way Scott flinched in his arms, “Shit-- John! It’s Scott! Get the stuff! We’re in the upstairs bathroom!”

Muffled footsteps through a few walls in the house could be heard. Jeff’s mind was only starting to catch up when the brother Virgil called for came rushing into the bathroom (Jeff never remembered it being big enough to hold four of them) and ignoring Jeff (practically shoving him out of the way too, man, this was bad) on his way to the main problem at hand. Landing on his knees in a way that made Jeff wince, John gently grabbed one of Scott’s arms from Virgil’s hold and subsequently pulled a needle from nowhere and injected something into Scott.

The response was instantaneous.

Scott’s breathing, while still labored, got slower. He stopped struggling as well, and the way he sagged reminded Jeff of ice melting into a puddle. The two other brothers’ shoulders also sagged, relieved at the crisis averted. John stood up, knees cracking as he rubbed the back of his neck. Then, he froze at the sight of something in the doorway, “G-Gordon…”

Virgil snapped his head up from where he was looking at Scott. Jeff did something similar. Yup, in the doorway was the strawberry blonde, eyes wide, making him younger by about 10 years. The ex-Olympian in question inhaled, closed his eyes, and soon speed-walked his way out of the entrance to the bathroom. Dammit, neither Gordon or Alan have seen something like that and it probably spooked him more than anything. He’d understand with his own PTSD-related issues, but still, seeing the “never weak” big brother freak out in such a scary way...

John combed a hand through his hair, shaking his head. As he started walking out of the room, he whispered to himself, probably hoping no one heard him, “Dammit, this is all so fucked…”

Unfortunately, Jeff did hear, and the dirty language made the father flinch. John was always the best about making sure Grandma didn’t wash his mouth out with soap, and the fact that he so willingly didn’t care meant that everyone was at the end of their rope. Still reeling at the sight, Jeff couldn’t react to the gentle arms that picked him up off the floor and slowly led him out of the suddenly stuffy room.

With the click of the door shutting, Jeff realized what Virgil did, “W-Wait, Scott--”

“Will be okay for a few seconds,” Virgil finished for his dad, “I know it’s nearly been a decade, but the one part of you I definitely know hasn’t changed is the need to comfort us, just like we hoped.” The small grin that fell over the middle child’s face put Jeff a little bit at ease, but Virgil wasn’t completely done, “So, I’m going to let you take care of this, but I just want to make sure you’ll handle it with grace. Take this slowly, okay? Scott might be doped up, but he’s still… volatile, in a sense.”

Jeff cleared his throat, suddenly choking on the unneeded tension, “Okay, Virgil, I promise, just… what happened? That was… bad, and really bad at that too. I know Scott would never let something that severe willingly come out in front of his family.”

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck, clearly not ready for this conversation, “Listen, Dad,” he inhaled sharply, cutting himself off before sighing in a way that said fuck it, might as well get this over with, “As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living. We all have lives and stories now, and this is Scott’s story to tell.”

Jeff was getting misty-eyed again. Back when he was just a kid, Virgil couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, mainly in part due to his insomnia-related issues (Jeff has to wonder if he still has them, more problems for the future) and general lack of filter because of sleep-deprivation. Now Jeff knew there was a starch difference between a kid who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and a man who genuinely knew how to respect another man’s privacy, but…

It just hammers home how much he’s missed with his boys. Gulping, Jeff made a mental note to talk with his mom about certain things he’s missed. She’ll know a lot more than he would, “Okay, Virge. Thank you, for stepping up there.”

Virgil’s shoulders relaxed at Jeff’s words, as well as his father’s hand patting him on the shoulder, “Thanks, Dad. Just… go easy on him. I know it’s a little late for this but none of us ever properly talked about things. It was very unhealthy, deep down we all knew that, but…”

“You just couldn’t get the proper emotions out?” Jeff finished for his son. At Virgil’s soft nod, Jeff exhaled, “I’m not going to say that it was a smart decision, but we’re all here now. We can move forward with this.” Jeff squeezed where his hand laid.

Virgil blinked before curtly going, “Yeah. Goodnight, Dad. Take care of Scott.”

Virgil stepped around his father and walked to where his bedroom most definitely was not, but Jeff could deal with that in a little bit. He had another son who he was pretty sure just had a violent PTSD attack of some kind, plus, Virgil seemed to sour at something Jeff said. The ex-astronaut wasn’t sure what it was, so he didn’t chase after him out of worry that--

Wait.

We’re all here now.

Dammit, Jeff. Out of all the sentences you could’ve picked...

Alrighty, just add that to the ever-growing pile of things that need to be talked about later. No biggie. Jeff found himself sighing and rubbing the back of his neck much like Virgil did a few minutes ago. Turning around, he was met with the bathroom door once more. Shaking his head, Jeff slowly crept into the room and saw that not much was different, especially with Scott.

His heart softly cracked, but, again, he can deal with it later.

Sitting down on the ground and grimacing at the way his body ached (was gravity always this rough?), Jeff leaned against the floor cabinets about 2-3 feet away from Scott, who made himself into a nice comfortable ball in the corner next to the toilet, his palm smushed against his forehead. Jeff waited a few seconds. Then minutes. Then he realized he would have to be the one to initiate the conversation. He probably should’ve realized that right when he came back in. He opened his mouth, but his wasn’t the one that words came out of.

“It was… Zambia.”

Jeff’s heart stopped and his mouth snapped shut. He couldn’t stop the way his eyes clearly showed his panic, but hopefully, he guiltily thought, Scott was a little too doped up to not realize it, “Scotty, what do you mean?”

Scott shrugged in a way that spoke he thought what he was admitting wasn’t a big deal. Yep, clearly not with it, “Mission went bad… caught for a couple of weeks.”

Jeff was hoping his first fuck back on Earth, spoken to himself like right now or otherwise, would have been a comedic thing, but the way nausea rose in his throat said this was anything but funny.

Scott wanted to be in the Air Force. Badly. Who was a father to deny his son’s want to be part of such a noble cause? He gave him tips, took him to meet friends in high places, sometimes even sparred with him when he turned 18, but then Jeff was suddenly thousands of miles away with no hope of ever having the chance of sparring with his eldest again. Despite it, Jeff hoped Scott went on to become the best pilot the world has ever seen.

Part of this looks like he did, but at what cost?

As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living.

Aw hell, “Jesus, Scott…” Jeff couldn’t tell if it was the brashness or the lack of a nickname that made Scott flinch and he hated it. He immediately softened his tone and brought his 27-year-old child into his arms, “Shh, shh, we’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.”

Like father like son, old habits die hard, and as easy as it was to still be able to comfort his children, Scott seemed to just as easily take it as he used to 8 years ago, “Alan doesn’t deserve this kind of hell, God, he’s barely not a kid anymore! Why--”

Jeff tightened his hold to keep his son in reality, and because he didn’t like the tone behind those words, “Hey, you didn’t either--”

Scott somehow managed to fling himself out of the hug, focus incredibly on point for someone who was doped up to his eyelids five seconds ago, “But I fucked up! I made the wrong call and then suddenly Arnold was dead and he had a wife and kids-- shit, what the hell did I do?”

Okay.

First of all: way to put him back in that headspace when that’s the exact opposite you were going for, Jeff, father of the year. Second: dammit. Just… dammit. This was a big fat hand grenade in a giant handbasket that they didn’t have time to gently get out while simultaneously not yanking the pin clean off with the grace of a drunk elephant. Jeff was no stranger to Survivor’s Guilt, but there was a whole untapped pile of metaphorical C4 within his son’s head that was ready for someone to push the goddamn button.

He wanted it to be him, desperately, because it sounded like he already failed his family enough, it was all he could do at this point, but he absolutely hated that he couldn’t do it right now. This was going to take a lot of time, which they didn’t have, plus, Jeff thought he had a pretty good understanding of this new Scott and the rest of his kids. Jeff was aware that if he didn’t help his sons find their baby as fast as possible over everything else it’ll lead to a fate nobody wanted.

A shaky sigh, “Okay, Scotty, let’s get you to bed. We’ll talk strategy in the morning.”

Scott simply nodded as his father flung Scott’s arm around his broader shoulders and picked him up. Slowly and painfully but surely, father and son meandered their way to Scott’s room. With a thump a little harder than Jeff wanted, Scott flopped down on top of his sheets and immediately started snoring. Despite everything that just happened, the father couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Well, there was another thing Jeff gracefully passed onto his son.

Jeff only took Scott’s shoes off. He would’ve loved to pull the sheets up around him too, but the father didn’t want to take any chances at waking him up. Slowly tip-toeing out of the room, Jeff gave one last glance back at his son before finally letting him be and gently shutting the door. He had three other sons he needed to console, but his tired joints told him to selfishly take a moment for himself for right now unless he wanted to collapse and give his family more to deal with.

Jeff eventually made his way to his room-- which was sadly unkempt, he noticed-- and sat down on the edge of his unfamiliar bed to think.

He’ll figure something out. If he had to crawl through images of his son being brutally and bloodily tortured then by God he would with the fury of a thousand suns.

He was back and he wasn’t going to throw away any second or even third chance he was given.

---

“I got him.”

Virgil turned his comms back on, and with it, Scott’s heart restarted for the first time in a few weeks. Taking a moment for a breather, Scott leaned against the wall while practically wheezing. They have him back, holy shit, they have him back. Scott vaguely heard Gordon cry in pure relief and joy. He saw John’s side of the comms flutter for a bit before a bright flash happened. Blinking away the white spots, Scott looked at his wrist to see a fully detailed map of the compound.

Gordon spoke what they were all thinking, “Woohoo! First Allie comes back, then Johnny-boy gets us a free ticket out of here! We’re winning this race, baby!”

A very loud moment of silence. John cleared his throat, “Actually, I was going to say glad to see you in one piece, you little shit,” a playful gasp came from Virgil’s side. It was too high pitched to be from the pianist’s mouth. Scott chuckled, but the paranoid part of his brain said John wasn’t done. His brain was right, ‘“But guys… that wasn’t me. Or EOS. We still haven’t found a way to get past the metal they made these walls out of.”

That silence was even more deafening than the last, and before Virgil could utter out his typical what the fuck, a small logo appeared at the corner of their new map. One that was all too familiar. The Chaos Crew wasn’t the only one who could brand their awful deeds.

Son of a bitch.

Virgil’s order over the radio was meant for Alan, but Scott couldn’t help but listen to it too.

“Shit, Alan, you need to run.”

Making quick work of the compound once more, Scott, while booking it even quicker than last time, opened a private line between him and Gordon, “Hey, how would you feel if I said go help Virgil while I cover Alan?”

The first response was stuttering, which Scott expected, but then it was followed up by something completely out of left field for Gordon, “... Okay, just as long as you promise to bring Alan back in one piece.”

Part of Scott wanted to console Gordon, another was questioning why Gordon was so quick to give up, another wanted to say of course, I will, idiot, but the first part that made itself verbal was easy, “You know I will, buddy.”

Scott could physically picture Gordon’s tiny, little, somber nod clear as day, “Sounds good, captain. See you on the other side.”

With a click, Scott was back on the group comm. Suddenly remembering what exactly his job was, he pulled out the map so graciously given to them by The Hood. Looking at all the dots, one was heading towards a prone one (oh if that asshole did anything to Virgil…) while another one was heading right for Scott himself. Actually, in just a few seconds, right as Scott rounded the corner he would--

“Woah, look out there, Tigger!”

Yes, you heard that correctly: not tiger, Tigger. Tigger hadn’t been used since Alan was itty bitty. It always seemed like the kid had endless energy with the way he wouldn’t stop bounding off the walls and furniture. Even as a baby, Lucy had to sit with him for a few hours while he slept in his crib to make sure he would stay there. In fact, their mother gave Alan that nickname herself. She was quite the Winnie the Pooh fan, and the rest of the family figured it would be one of the ways they could keep her legacy alive for the tiny potato.

Wrapping his arms around said flailing potato, albeit much bigger than a baby, Scott thought he would collapse then and there. Alan was here, in his arms, and yeah, the sight of his dirty and somewhat ripped up IR uniform made him mad, but Scott, for once in his life, decided to focus on the here-and-now, aka his precious, alive little brother, who finally stopped struggling at the realization that hey, the person holding you is a good guy, time to turn off fight mode.

Smushing their foreheads together as much as possible, Scott desperately fought to keep the waterworks back, a smile from ear to ear hopefully taking whatever energy his tear ducts had, “You are getting such an ass beating when we get home, little bro.”

Alan jumped back with a look of What the hell?! What did I do now?!

Scott simply rolled his eyes, “Really? “Not important”? You graduated high school, tiny dude! That’s huge! You remember Gordon’s party, right?”

Alan’s mouth gaped before he closed it with slightly puffy cheeks. Those same cheeks tinged with a small blush. Alan wasn’t exactly expecting to be smothered so soon (well, he did cry his eyes out on Virgil’s shoulder, but that was different!). Shaking it off, Alan moved his hands rhythmically and rapidly, To be fair, we weren’t sure he was going to get one for a while.

Scott faltered a little bit at the ASL. Darn, he should’ve seen Alan’s lack of talking from a mile away. Scott carefully hid his disappointment from Alan. Lord knew what the kid would take it as, “Yeah, that’s what he got for barely making it. Imagine what you’re going to get!”

Scott assumed his semi-fake charm worked, as Alan seemed to play along without any kind of suspicion, Oh yeah. Fair enough.

This kid, man.

Then, slow clapping came from a dark corner, making Scott’s heart leap out of his throat as well as push Alan behind himself. Glaring as much as he could towards the invisible evil-doer, Scott didn’t have to think twice, “Alan, take my map and find Virgil and Gordon.”

The youngest looked like he was going to object.

“Go.”

He no longer did. Good.

Listening to the field commander’s orders, Scott felt his wristband slip off his wrist and a warm body leave his vicinity. An inhale. Also good. An exhale, followed by an even darker glare, “What more do you want?”

Short and straight-to-the-point and angry, two things Scott typically wasn’t. Regardless, like a cold gust of wind, footsteps started approaching him from the shadow. Once Scott saw the outline of a body, he tensed even more. Virgil would snap at him for clenching his jaw so much.

A dark chuckle reminded him of what was important. The voice that spoke reminded him of something completely different, “Now then, brother, let’s not be rude to each other!”

Scott’s pupils shrunk at the familiar sight of Gordon stepping towards him. Except it wasn’t Gordon, because Scott knew that Gordon knew better. He also knew Gordon didn’t cheekily smile like that, even after a prank, nor did he walk that straight. He always had a funny walk after WASP, and Gordon wore that fact like a badge of honor.

Oh no, Scott definitely knew who this was, “What the hell are you playing at?”

Fake-Gordon rolled his eyes, like it wasn’t obvious, “I mean if we want to go that route, why did kid insist you being in the military was the coolest thing he’d ever heard you do? Maybe I wouldn’t have been pressured into joining a branch myself in the end.”

Scott’s nostrils flared, and by God, his pupils might have actually slitted like a snake’s, or possibly even a dragon’s, “Excuse me?”

Scott blinked, and suddenly he was met by not-Virgil, “Plus, why was our conclusion after hearing a three-year-old wanting to see snow to go to a ski resort? It had to have been those big, selfish, beady eyes, right?”

“C’mon, Scotty, we gotta give you some kind of calming exercise. There’s going to come a time when neither me or John are going to be there.”

“Hmm… does yoga work?”

A snort, “Well, that’s not too bad of an idea. Maybe the person pissing you off will stop whatever they’re doing at the sight of you spontaneously doing downward dog.”

Laughter, an unfamiliar action, “Yeah, okay, but for real, those breathing exercises I’ve seen you do look okay. Let’s start there.”

Scott was not a liar by heart. He had to admit that those exercises were doing jack shit right about now.

Another blink, another brother. Familiar ginger hair was all Scott could see, “To continue that previous point, why did Dad start International Rescue again? And what led to his demise?”

“Sounds like a piece of work. Why do you keep dealing with these people again?”

“Someone has to pay the bills, Johnny. Grandma’s too focused on making the perfect poison for us.”

A roll of eyes, “Right, because the billions we have saved wouldn’t be enough to last a couple of families a few lifetimes. Glad to see your calming exercises are working at least. How’s that going for you, by the way?”

A pause. A flicker of vision around the room. Someone cleared their throat, probably himself, “It’s probably not as bad as whatever space is throwing at you. You handling it okay up there?”

Another pause, followed by a sigh, “Well, since you asked so nicely…”

Scott wanted to deflect the truth so badly right now more than anything else. Telling him he couldn’t pilot ‘One anymore would be a much more enticing option than what he was hearing.

Suddenly, Scott was looking in a mirror, “Besides, I know more than anybody that he wasn’t wanted. A mistake. I thought we Tracys hated being imperfect?”

The Hood must have known their backstories from internet articles, and being the mastermind he was, it probably took him all of three seconds to see Alan had some hidden self-worth issues. By playing the biggest Guess Who? game of all time, The Hood was most likely able to figure out some less-than-positive ideals Alan thought about himself throughout his childhood and danced circles around his already weakened mind to string together some spineless blame to put on the kid by sheer evilness alone.

Knowing his kid brother, it worked.

Scott wasn’t thinking straight-- maybe even at all when the first punch was thrown.

Just like that, Scott blacked out and was running on terminator mode. John would be disappointed. Virgil would be horrified. Gordon might find it funny. Alan wasn’t here, and thank God for that. Scott wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing. All his mind was telling him was make lots of pain hard and fast. His brain also blocked out any hit The Hood was giving him in return. Pain flared for a few seconds, then it was swept away in the puddle of rage his mind was currently being consumed in.

Soon, his out-of-it mind found its target and gripped his-- The Hood’s arm, no disguise would make him have an identity crisis, thank you very much-- nice and rough.

Scott heard the familiar snap of cartilage and felt only partially bad. If he was thinking more clearly, he would be disgusted with himself. Yes, even The Hood didn’t deserve this level of Scott’s fury. Oh, he definitely deserved to be hit by a truck, but not by Scott. It was mostly due to Scott’s sanity. If he could be this graphic and violent at all, even to the worse possible criminals, that meant he could be that way during other moments, and that was not a territory he wanted to cross into.

Welp, he was here now, and he’ll hate to admit it in the future, but the only thing that brought him out of it was a tiny gasp from a few feet away. Snapping his head up, Scott’s eyes landed squarely on a smaller-than-normal Alan, who was currently clutching his arm to his chest in an emotion Scott didn’t want to figure out at the moment. So much for going and finding Virgil and Gordon.

“Allie, help…” fake him grunted out, only making real Scott growl and tighten his hold (and probably making his case worse). Looking up from the person in his arms, Scott felt his heart split in two at the sight. There was fear and uncertainty in Alan’s blue eyes and boy did it hurt. Scott couldn’t tell if it was because even seeing a potentially-fake Scott being beaten up was bad or if it was because he’d never seen big brother be this brutal, even towards their enemies. Whatever the reason, it involved Scott being the main root of the problem.

Wait, that was The Hood’s plan. Shit… make Scott act past the point of no return in a way that was unfamiliar to Alan so the kid couldn’t be fully sure who was who, and Scott fell right into his trap, hook, line, and sinker.

Fuck.

Bloody well done, Scott, you absolute moron.

Scott faltered a little bit, “A-Alan, I--”

That falter was enough for The Hood to break an arm out of his grip and elbow him in the face. In the brief second of freedom he had, he tried dashing towards Alan, but Scott was too quick for everyone’s good and soon had the imposter back in his arms, both of them struggling in a way that made them look like they were tied into the weirdest knot in existence.

Then, an earthquake struck.

No, literally.

A big shake of the abandoned compound threw the look-a-likes about and subsequently off the platform they were on. The place was old; it didn’t take a lot of weight for that guard rail they made their way over towards while fighting to snap right off. With a yelp, the two of them gripped the edge as much as they could and held on. Crap, I know we talked with Fuse about potentially setting some stuff off, but--

Blinking, Scott saw a familiar mop of blonde hair come into view. Alan was rather panicked, clearly not sure which Scott was the real Scott. Not only that, he had little time to decide which one to save. Goodie, another reason to despise The Hood: not only has he put Alan through weeks of torment, now he’s forcing the kid to decide to either save his oldest brother and biggest hero or his personal torturer.

And Alan won’t know until he picks.

Holy hell, this was getting worse by the second. Hopefully, big brother charm can work its magic and get them the hell out of there.

“Alan, quickly, over here!”

“I can’t hold on for much longer, Alan, hurry!”

The two Scotts glared at one another in the exact same way, not making Alan’s job much easier. Another shake, another slip down the metal cliff, more screams, and Alan looked ready to tear his hair out. Scott watched as the kid looked around rapidly, probably praying for a miracle in the process. Suddenly, the kid jumped when he must have spotted something important. Within the blink of an eye, he was gone and out of their range of visions to retrieve it.

Whatever the hell he noticed better be important, because if just ended up wasting precious time then--

Another shake, probably the last one. Still, it was enough.

Both their grips gave away at the same time, screams identical (God, did he always sound that wimpy?) as they plummeted to their demises. Scott was briefly able to look up to see his brother pop his head over the cliff like a chipmunk again and grab the (albeit broken) arm of The Hood and save him. Dammit, Scott should have expected that, though, that display of anger was uncharacteristic to Alan. Probably terrified him even more than he already was. Fuck, Scott deser--

Suddenly, a rope wrapped itself around Scott’s left arm and stopped his descent. Hard. Hopefully, it was only torn stuff, they didn’t have time to deal with dislocation--

Wait.

Scott wasn’t dead if he could think about these kinds of things.

Blinking, he looked at his arm to see the familiar rope of his grappling hook around his forearm. Moving his eyesight to look past that, he saw the wide, blue eyes of his baby brother struggling to stay on top. The Hood was using his non-broken side to try and climb his way back up to safety. Huh, that’s weird. When did Alan get ahold of that? Scott must have dropped it during his scuffle with--

That’s when it hit Scott.

Alan saved them both.

Alan saved them both.

And it would be all for jack shit if Scott didn’t get his ass up there to help.

Panicking, Scott gripped the rope and started to ascend. He had two working arms and a smother complex to boot; it wasn’t long before he overtook a struggling Hood, who could only use one arm and a weakened brother (that bastard was so lucky Alan had a literal heart of gold).

Flinging his arms over the edge and pulling himself up-- and shrugging off the extra help Alan offered. Save your strength, baby bro-- Scott was in a much calmer search-and-destroy mode. He yanked his evil look-a-like up, turned him on his stomach, pinned him down, and before he could even watch Alan blink, “Sign something.”

There, now he watched Alan blink.

Scott pulled out one of his best ‘big brother’ smiles ever, “Tell me something in ASL. I don’t think The Hood learned that kind of etiquette.”

The body beneath him growled, making Alan jump and Scott tighten not only his hold but his glare. Further prove big brother’s point, why don’t cha? He lost the angry look immediately to grin at Alan once more, who seemed to be slowly getting the picture. With a gulp, the blonde slowly strung together a sentence that Scott had to laugh at, just a little bit.

Damn, could you teach me to fight like that, Scooter?

Nodding his head, Scott had to concede, “Sure. Consider it a graduation present.”

Alan blinked again, and the immense relief that washed over the boy’s shoulders would be enough to banish nightmares for at least a couple of days. Suddenly, The Hood’s disguise blinked out of existence, making both brothers jump that time. Scott didn’t falter in his grip, however. This man was going down right here and now, Scott thought darkly, staring at the prone body beneath his.

Scott saw Alan continue to sign out of the corner of his eye, You know you look like shit, right?

Scott chuckled. Alan was always able to put a smile on his face no matter the circumstances, “Yeah, well, kindred spirits, little bro.”

Scott was probably as pale as Alan was with such lack of sleep and food. Running on what was essentially a prolonged PTSD attack wasn’t healthy in the slightest, and no doubt whatever kind of bruises and scratches The Hood gave him didn’t help, however, seeing hope fill those deep-blue eyes when Alan learned he was truly being saved drowned everything out, including the way those freckles were getting lost in those eye bags.

Yeah, their entire family probably looked like shit, and the recovery process was going to be even shittier, but they were going to suffer through it together as a family would.

That made it all worth it.

Shuffling himself so one arm was free while the other kept The Hood pinned, Scott held it out towards Alan. The flinch the youngest made tore a hole in Scott’s heart that was only slightly patched when Alan leaned into the warmth and safety of his biggest bro. Long recovery process, remember? Regardless, Alan still took to the hug like a dehydrated zebra did a pond, and that was good enough for Scott.

The Hood groaned underneath them.

Yep, good enough.

[macklives]

homestuck recap

i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there

anyways here it is

also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)

also that this is long

you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance

ive been coping with humor to get me through it

neato.

have fun with what i suffered through:

why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?

like did i miss a page???

OH its the beta version of HS thats why

damn its like 5 pages and thats it

mmh

well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.

do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”

thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.

god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did

i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now

cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz

flashbacks are starting up already

yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl

that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.

OH W A IT SHIT

i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place

my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.

oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that

little did rose know where that would get her right now

oh yeah

there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.

still think shes some weird spy or secret agent

i kinda love her ngl

anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?

oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf

and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red

huh, how times change

i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again

yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?

OH that makes also much more sense

bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.

i gotcha

man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat

are you

telling me

the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?

THE EGG

THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”

of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this

man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt

damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet

okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig

man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow

the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?

we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks

oh yeah that reveal

god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh

bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog

who lowkey

is doing better than bro

who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao

dreambot = terminator. im telling you.

sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”

why is the entire game session highlighted

i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY

okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout

which is honestly cool

idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.

yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching

yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.

especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION

pls can this be the halfway point to the recap

AT LEAST

so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.

speaking of jack

man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl

OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN

and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.

also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..

she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far

oh yeah okay

but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?

anyways

exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.

noice

i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.

yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute

fuck yeah the dick head

hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them

anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”

UH WHAT

WHAT

OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO

THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.

which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.

and jade is space. witch of space.

nice

i have no idea what that means ngl

okay finally

we’re at the trolls

maybe this recap will end soon

i remember when i thought they were internet bullies

yesss

someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke

it be like that, i annoy many

then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse

imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens

ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that

nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background

i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes

but theyre trying

OH MY GOD

I GET IT

FUCK

DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??

AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS

GOD D A M N

wow

i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”

flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans

anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really

he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song

i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh

trolling strategies

anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.

i wonder why it explodes

more importantly

....

terminator time?

this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.

absolutely gold.

all except AT’s rap.

GC was the only smart one with the linear shit

anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so

that will be fun for the future

john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there

yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things

OH and the white queen was the cursive

damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk

oHHH

i fucking SEE

thats why he said DNA

to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean

fucking neat wow

man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log

so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.

derse is very pretty, ngl

and wow shit

“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just

do that, awake in both places at once

i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow

ah yes, around the time things got confusing

okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao

the more you know i guess *twinkle*

i find that a neat concept tho

like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit

yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future

no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend

fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say

i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm

and then everything else just made me sad again

i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?

we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk

fucking DAVESPRITE

damn idk how that works

will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?

“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?

okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box

bc i thought he used his knife?

im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew

alright okay..

god that was a lot

i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE

[buckythegothavenger]

Stuck With You (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Summary:You and Bucky Barnes get sent to work in a remote cabin for 3 days in Alaska, but an unexpected snow storm extends the trip an extra few days. The problem being? You two cant stand each other.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 6.5k  

Warnings: Language, Angst, Smut,(18+) rough sex? Unprotected Sex (Wrap those willies) Such a cliche

A/N: Its winter time which means its time to write the cliche fics where they get stuck in a cabin together. Not gunna lie, this took me over 10 hours to write and edit so i hope you like it! Replies are always welcome and just let me know if you want to be tagged in my work!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Steve why the hell do i have to go with her? Cant you come instead, even Nat would be better than her"

"Because buck, you two have the same training, Fury thought it would be a good idea. Plus me and Nat already have a mission of our own, its only for 3 days you'll live"

"She hates the cold she's just going to bitch the whole time that shes cold and were going to be in Alaska in the middle of fucking December"

"hey if you're that mad about it then take it up with Fury"

Sighing Bucky picked up his bags and sulked out the door towards the Quin-jet that was waiting for the two of you.

Trying to pack all of your sweaters,sweats, blankets and stealth gear into your small bags proved to be nearly impossible. Sighing you sat on you bed looking over at Natasha who was raiding you fridge. "You know that you have absolutely nothing to eat right" She said closing the fridge, walking over to rummage through your cabinets. "Well seeing as i'm going to be spending the next three days locked away in a cabin, i didn't think i needed to go grocery shopping"

"Haha finally" she exclaimed finding a box of of Oreos

"You couldn't have just went to your own room? its like two doors down"

"I'm already here whats the point, plus i know your not going to eat these, youre like a health nut now" she said walking over to lay on your bed opening up the cookies in the process

"hey naaat" you say turning to her "Can you pleeease trade places with me, i mean you actually like Barnes and you know i hate the cold"

Laughing she replied "I never said i liked him y/n i just put up with him"

"Yeah but at least he doesnt act completely disgusted when you enter the room"

You quickly became friends with everyone shortly after joining the avengers, coming from the same background as Natasha, Bucky and Wanda you thought you would get along with them the best, all bonding over your hatred for hydra. But you couldn't have been more wrong about Barnes, the first couple weeks he was fine with you, nice actually. He showed you around the Avengers compound, helped set up your bedroom and even showed you some TV that you hadn't seen. One day he just snapped and stopped saying hi when you saw each other, he would always have a snarky comeback to everything you said then he quit coming to movie night. No one really knew why not even Steve, everyone just kept their theories to themselves only one of them unknowingly knew exactly why.

"Its not up to me, you know Fury deals will all the missions and the teams so if you really want to swi-"

"No no its fine, i can deal with him, its only three days" you said cutting her off. You knew that talking to Fury wasn't going to change anything plus you didn't want to seem like some immature crybaby

______________________________________________________________

Walking off the Quinjet you were immediately hit with a gust of bone chilling wind, shivering you pulled your jacket tighter around your body. This was going to be the worst mission ever. Laughing Bucky walked passed you into the snow"Stop being a little baby, its not even that cold"

Looking over at Steve with pleading eyes begging him to take you place

"Those puppy eyes don't work on me sweetheart, you know that"

"it was worth a shot" you sighed feeling defeated, continuing your walk to the cabin.

It was small but cute, as cute as a log cabin in the middle of the woods in Alaska with 2 feet of snow on the ground could be. It had simple wood floors, a small kitchen to the left along with two bedrooms down a hall, to your right was a large stone fireplace, a brown couch and recliner. Natasha helped you bring your bags to your room as Steve did the same with Bucky. You unpacked you clothes while Nat helped with your computer and weapons, "You know maybe this will be good for the both of you, you can finally sort out your problems"

"Nat i don't even know what his problem is, i never did anything to make him hate me"

"Then talk to him y/n there's no better time to do it"

"I can think of a million different times i could talk to him and this isn't one of those times"

You had only been at this place for an hour and you already had a headache, waving goodbye to Steve and Natasha as they got back onto the quinjet off to start their own 3 day mission. Walking back into the warmth of the cabin you thought that maybe Barnes was going to be nice to you for once since this is actually a mission and not a walk in the park. You both set up your equipment on the coffee table, wanting to start asap so you both could get out of here. The mission was simple, hack into a near by hydra bases security cameras and watch for a specific individual, a new enhanced human. Once that person is spotted you both need to go in and take out that problem.

The later it got, the colder it got and by now you were freezing the only heat coming from the fire place you were sitting directly in front of, for someone that controls and makes fire you were always cold

"Why don't you just do us both a favor and jump right on it huh y/n it'll warm you right up" Buck said coming around the corner wearing only sweatpants and a tank top, how the hell was he not freezing his ass off.

"Sure Barnes, right after you go ahead and jump right into that lake out back" giving him a sweet smile

"Hey come look at this" Bucky called sitting in front of his computer. Reluctantly you got up from your spot by the fire and went to look over his shoulder at the computer screen.

"Is that him?"

"I don't know maybe go ahead at look at the file right in front of you" Bucky snapped at you,

Ignoring his comments you picked up the file and looked through it, noticing a tattoo on the mans arm in the picture and telling Buck to look for it on the screen

"Yeah that definitely him, lets go and get this over with" Bucky said standing up from his seat

"What no its freezing cold out there and its pitch black, we haven't even seen this place during the day what makes you think we'll be able to see it in the dark?"

"Did you seem to forget what our fucking job is y/n, if you're going to be a wuss about it ill do it myself" he said pushing past you walking to his room to change

He was right and you knew it, it was your job to get this guy the second you saw him but you were at a disadvantage to begin with. You didn't know your way around the base and to add to that it was pitch black out. Maybe if you convinced Bucky to wait until tomorrow morning you wouldn't be as reluctant to go.

Bucky came walking out of his room now in combat gear, a gun in hand, before he could make it out the door you grabbed his arm stopping him, making him turn around to look at you "Buck just wait until tomorrow don't throw on your tough guy act just cause you want to get out of here, I want to leave too but its not worth going in blind and risking the whole mission" Now you had a good point. "Fine, we leave here first thing in the morning, get this guy then call Tony to come get us" Realizing you still had a grip on his arm you let go, and with that he walked back to his room not be seen again until morning. You walked over and started putting out the fire, if you were going to be up early it was best to get some sleep while you still had time. Laying in bed wrapped up in an assortment of warm blankets you were texting Wanda asking her how her vacation with vision was going until you fell asleep. You woke up in the middle of the night to what sounded like grunts or whispers coming from buckys room, he's probably just having one of his nightmares again you thought, paying no attention to it and drifting back to sleep

______________________________________________________________

Waking up on the floor wrapped up in several blankets was not the best way to start your day but at least you got some sleep. Getting up you took your blanket with you into the living room, expecting to see Bucky with his gear in hand ready to yell at you for being late. Instead you found him yelling into the phone he was holding, frustrated he threw it against the wall causing it to brake into pieces. "Who the fuck shit in your cereal the smorning barnes" you teased, whipping around he looked at you dead in the eyes "You"

"what did i do i just wo-" he cut you off as he walked over to you and grabbed your arm pulling you over to the window and pushed the shades open. It was then that you saw absolutely nothing, nothing but the snow covering the window. A huge snow storm must've hit overnight and now you were trapped in hell with Bucky.

"How the fuck is this my fault" you said shaking out of his grasp

"In every fucking way" he screamed "if we just left to take care of our mission last night, we wouldn't be stuck here"

"That wouldn't have changed anything, It still would've snowed and we still would be stuck"

"At least Fury would know that the job was done, he would had a quinjet fly out for us. Just in case your small brain isn't catching onto what i'm saying ill simplify, We have no cell reception,no internet, nothing but walkies will work"

"Well i'm fucking sorry i didn't want either of us getting hurt"

"Like hell you cared about me getting hurt, you just didn't feel like going out in the cold,I can't believe that, out of all the people I was unfortunate to get stuck in a log cabin with, it had to be you." He spat at you

"It's the universe telling you that you made the asshole list and that you're a bastard who deserves coal. I just don't know why I'm being punished too." It sounded dumber out loud than it did in your head. "Whatever buck, i'm sorry i spoiled you special little day" You walked off back into your room, to give the super soldier some time to cool off. You stayed in there most of the day until you remembered you had brought a couple of movies with you, just something to occupy your mind. You got up and grabbed your laptop and a copy of Donnie Darko, it was a gift from Nat for your birthday, she knew how much you loved that crazy movie. You decided to go out and check in on Bucky and see if he was up for a movie, you had your arguments but you didn't hate the guy, you used to actually find him pretty cute back when you first joined.

"Hey uh do you wanna watch a movie? I forgot i brought some movies with me" He was sitting curled up on the recliner, if you didn't know any better you would've thought he was upset at something other than the mission.

Looking up at you he replied "Depends is it one of those dumb rom coms girls are so into"

"Actually no smart ass, its like a horror, drama fantasy thing its one of my favorites"

"Fine set it up on the table"

You both went and sat down on the couch, you grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and threw it over yourself.

"Wow way to hog all of the blankets"

"Oh i'm sorry, i thought Mr. Winter Soldier doesn't get cold?' you mocked as you gave him the blanket and went to grab your own from your room. You looked back real quick to check if he was actually watching the movie, you must've stood up to fast and weren't seeing clearly because you swore you saw Barnes laugh. You were totally seeing things the only person to put a smile on that mans face was Rogers, or whenever he mocked you. Grabbing a bag of chips from the kitchen you went and sat back down on the couch.

"So was it a dream the whole damn time or"

"I honestly don't know, I've watched it a million times and i think its like some worm hole space thing"

"You begged me to watch a movie when you dont even understand the ending" He was so upset and confused

"Hey i never begged you, I only asked once. Admit it you liked it" You teased nudging him in the ribs

You both sat there and talked about the movie for what seemed liked hours, not realizing how close you two were now seated. You got on the topic of the TV shows you both used to watch months ago when you were friends. After not talking to him for so long and now the both of you being wrapped up in this movie made you start to realize how much you really missed him. He was one of the first friends you made and it broke your heart when he started to be mean.

"Buck i think im gunna go to bed, i got no sleep last night" you said yawning

"alright, ill see u in the morning"

Grabbing your blanket you started to get up "Arnt you exhausted? i thought i heard you last night having one of those nightmares"

He didn't get nightmares as frequently as he used to but they still happened, but he usually remembers them. They started to get better when you joined the Avengers, but he never told anyone that, and he refused to believe it himself.

"ya i guess i am, i hate those dreams" He didn't have any sort of nightmare last night, but you didn't need to know that, or the details of what he was actually doing.

"If u wanna talk about it im here, i know we didn't go through exactly the same stuff but i wanna help you if i can" You really did want to help Bucky, whatever he was going through, you knew how hard it was dealing with the trauma inflicted by hydra.

"Thanks y/n/n" He said walking behind you going to his room

You both got to your rooms and before you could close your door you heard Bucky whisper a faint "goodnight" under his breath.

Bucky sat in on the edge of his bed trying to wrap his mind around everything that happened today. He was happy to be talking to you again and not have every other sentence out of his mouth be a sarcastic jab at you. He hated to admit his feelings, they scared him to death, he was so used to feeling like some monster with no emotions. But you made him feel alive again, you made him feel human and you helped get rid of his nightmares without even knowing it. He was mad at himself still, he's been hurting you all these months just because he didn't want to admit his feelings.

Laying in bed you tried to get rid of that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one you always seem to get when your falling for someone. You couldn't be falling for barnes, not again, he didn't even like you right? This was just an act he put on because you were stuck in this cabin together. At least that's what you told yourself. You did like barnes, more than you care to admit but it was just a silly crush it would go away once you got out of this place.

______________________________________________________________

Its now been 4 going on 5 since you've been stuck in this cabin, thankfully the snow finally stopped and it started to melt, at least you could now get your front door open. You both decided that today was the day you were going to find that hydra base and finish your mission, only 2 days behind schedule. Putting on your combat gear you grabbed your walkie, guns and a protein bar before walking out your bedroom door, Bucky already dressed waiting for you in the kitchen.

"He still in the same part of the building?" you asked walking over to check the computer once more

"Yeah same place, same amount of agents" he answered walking towards you peering over your shoulder at the screen telling you once more his tactical plan, His hot breath on your neck making you shiver. You tried to ignore all the thoughts running through your head and pushed them towards the back of your head. You needed to focus on this mission or else one of you was going to get hurt.

______________________________________________________________

"YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN YOUR SELF KILLED, AGAIN Y/N"

"I THINK I'M AWARE OF WHO AND WHAT I CAN HANDLE BUCK, IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS" you screamed back annoyed that once again you were being yelled at for doing your job.

While Bucky was in one part of the base looking for the enhanced, you found a secret room with 5 of hydras agents standing inside. You know you could handle them on your own, you've dealt with far worse. Little did you know one of the agents had the same ability as The Winter Soldier, needless to say if it wasn't for buck coming in to save your ass you probably wouldn't be standing here having this argument with him.

Trying to calm yourself down you spoke softer "I didn't know one of them was enhanced, if i did i would've waited for you, but you were preoccupied and i thought i could handle it. I also didn't realize my powers wouldn't have an effect on him"

"This is why i hate working missions with you, you always jump the gun without thinking and i have to swoop in and save your ass" he wasn't yelling anymore but his tone was still harsh, he walked away from you going to his room

"Buck im sorry ok, i haven't been on a mission in a while and i got excited" you spoke not knowing if he could even hear you anymore. Sighing you walked into your room shutting the door and changing out of your clothes. Seeing as you only packed enough clothes for three maybe four days, you had to use the close left by the last person who stayed, by the looks of it, it was Nat. You couldn't understand why Bucky was so mad at you, you completed the mission and now you could both go home. Grabbing some of Nats clothes you decided to take a shower and get all of the sweat and dried blood off of you.

"Steve i don't know what to do, she could've gotten herself killed today"

Stepping out of the bathroom you could here Bucky talking on the phone, you knew you probably shouldn't be listening to him but whats the harm.

"I'm not in love with her shut up, i mean i might be but-" Steve must've cut him off

"You think?" "but how do i tell her i mean, why would she even like me, i'm a monster Steve"

You got so into the conversation and didnt realize you were holding onto the doorknob so when you leaned forward trying to hear better you ended up slamming the door shut causing Bucky to jump and look over at you. "uh Steve ill call you later" he hung up the phone throwing it on his bed.

"uh just wanted to let you know the showers open, there's still hot water"

Grabbing his clothes he pushed by ducking his head and whispered a quick "thanks" before walking into the bathroom.

You stood in the same place for what felt like hours before opening the door to your room. Closing the door behind you, leaning against it trying to comprehend what just happened. Did Bucky really just say he was in love with you, well he said it to Steve. That same feeling in the pit of your stomach came back, you groaned sliding down the door. Did this mean Bucky felt the same way about you that you did about him, or was this some kind of sick joke he was playing on you. If this was some sick prank, you decided you were going to have some fun, and if it wasn't oh well. You still refused to admit your feelings. You went along with your plan because why the hell not. Looking through the dresser you tried to find the something that was sexy but not too obviously sexy. You settled for a over sized red sweater that went down just below your butt, you put on a pair of black knee high socks and black lace panties.

You sat on the couch on your  computer trying to find a movie when Bucky exited the bathroom and went back into his room. Time for your little plan to start, you got up and walked over to Bucks room, leaning against the doorway "wanna come watch a movie, its our last day here and i thought we could end on a good note"

He looked you up and down, damp hair sticking to his face "yeah, if u wanna"

"Yay!"You squealed running over to grab his hand and drag him out to the living room. It felt like electricity ran straight trough his body the second you grabbed his hand he never wanted you to let go, but as soon as you got to the couch that's exactly what you did. After making Bucky sit down and promise to watch you started the movie, "Oh don't tell me this is a movie about different shades of grey" you laughed fully knowing what this movie actually was, pulling your legs up on the couch you put them over his lap. You've never seen someone act so flustered over a simple gesture. Boy was this going to be fun.

You could pinpoint the exact moment when buck figured out what this movie actually was, his whole demeanor changed and you could practically see his heart beating out of his chest. You had kept moving your legs around in his lap which made him hold your legs down on his lap to make you stop, pleading for you to stop. You were definitely getting messing with his poor brain.

Bucky could feel your eyes burning into his skull for what felt like hours, he had figured out by now that you were playing a little game with him, and this movie had given him all sorts of ideas for future reference. He decided to play along with you, without moving his eyes from the screen he moved his hands further up your legs, no longer resting on the fabric of your knee highs. You tried to hide as your breath hitched in your throat as his hands made their way under your sweater and rested on your thighs. Their was no way in hell that he was going to win the game that you started. You moved your legs back closer to you, crossing them, making sure they dragged along his lap and over his now obvious bulge. You weren't seated like that for more than 30 seconds before he grabbed you and pulled you into his lap, grabbing your ass causing a small moan to escape from your lips.

Bucky had the biggest smirk on his face, fully knowing what hes doing to you. Straddling him you sunk your hips down, grinding against him slow, earning a deep growl from his throat. He grabbed onto your hips and guided your core along him, you grabbed onto his hair and tugged on it this time earning a soft moan. For the first time since standing in his door way, you looked each other in the eye, his once blue eyes were now dark and full of need. Within seconds Bucky had pinned you underneath him, snaking your legs around his waist you tangled your hands around his neck and in his hair. One of his hands still digging into your hip, the other one tangled in your hair as he pressed rough kisses along your jaw line, down your neck earning light moans as he sucked on the sensitive skin near your collarbone. Coming back up from your neck he finally placed a rough kiss on your lips, sliding his tough along the bottom of your lip begging for entrance, you smiled into the kiss granting him the access he needed, teeth clashing together as your tongues danced in your mouth . He pulled away from you and ripped his shirt off his body, throwing it to the side. Helping you with your sweater, smirking as he found out all you had on under was a pair of black lace panties. and those knee highs. "You're so perfect" He moaned coming back down to kiss you again.

You wrapped your legs back around his waist as he picked you up and carried you to his room. Bucky laid you down on the bed and looked at you like it was the first time he ever saw a womens body. Starting to feel self conscious you moved your arms to cover your bare chest, before you could he stopped you "Stop it. you're so fucking beautiful y/n". Hovering over you he leaned down until his face was inches from yours kissing you softy, putting a hand on his cheek you looked up at him, seeing those blue eyes of his on you like that made you melt.

He kissed you again this time more roughly moving down towards your neck sucking on the soft skin leaving light bruises. Trailing kisses further down over your breasts and stomach before making it to your core, he moved to the inside of your thighs teasing you, rubbing them gently with his rough hands, his metal one cooling you down instantly. He looked up at you with his hands on your thighs, you gave him a nod wanting nothing more than for him to continue. He took his metal hand and rubbed it over your clothed core, causing a small gasp to escape your mouth from the cold touch. He loved the effect he had on you, the metal arm was an obvious turn on he used to his advantage. He teased you through your panties with his metal fingers earning a different sound from you each time he moved them a different way.

"B-bucky please" you whimpered earning a smirk from him, you arched your back allowing him to remove your now soaked panties "I wonder if your always this wet when i'm around" he grinned at you throwing them across the room. He leaned over you looked you in the eyes again planting another harsh kiss on your lips, before moving back down to get to work. His tongue working like magic, having you come undone at the seams the second he touched you. Sucking on you clit he added a single metal finger causing you to buck your hips  towards him"So fucking eager kitten" his words only making you wetter and more desperate by the second. Without warning he added two more fingers, curling them so they would hit that sweet spot, pumping them at the perfect speed."f-fuck b-bucky" you hadn't been with anyone for a long time and he was completely destroying you.

He grabs your legs and throws them over his shoulders giving him more access to what he want and what you need, your heels digging into his back trying desperately not to close your legs at the sensations. "I'm close, buck p-please" your a whimpering mess under his touch and he knows it ,so close to the edge, seconds away and he stops. Looking up at him with pleading eyes, "Dont worry kitten i'm not done with you yet" You hadn't realized he removed his sweats and boxers, looking at him now holy fuck he was gorgeous, he was definitely blessed in every department. With your legs hooked around his waist, he started teasing you again with his metal hand and sucking on your neck "Buck please, stop teasing"

he chuckled teasing your entrance "tell me what you want doll"

"Bucky just fuck me" growing impatient you try to buck your hips up to him

Holding your hips down with his flesh hand "That's not how you ask nicely, doll"

"James, please fuck me"

He slammed into you unexpectedly causing you to practically scream his name. He never knew that you saying his real name in the manner you did would have such an effect on him but oh it did. Gripping your hips roughly, he slammed into you at fast pace "Fuck, You're so tight" Your hands trailed down his back and grabbed onto his ass pushing him deeper inside of you earning the loudest growl you've heard out of him.

You gained control of him now straddling him, sliding down on his cock at a painfully slow pace. He held your hips, guiding you against him, moving so your clit rubbed up against him, giving you much needed friction.Taking his metal hand he played with one of your nipples pinching in, taking the other in his mouth, swirling his tongue around. The room was filled with your soft whimpers and his rough grunts.

He flipped you back over, spreading your legs even further apart, pushing deeper into you at a more desperate pace. You could feel his thrusts starting to become sloppy, you hooked your legs around his shoulders letting him fuck you even deeper "Fuck, y/n" You dug your nails deep into his back, definitely leaving marks. Near pornographic moans left your mouth as bucky continued his hard thrusts, he put his flesh hand around your neck as his metal one reached down to rub your clit.

"God Bucky i'm close" He tightened his grip around your throat, all that could escape your mouth was whimpers. "Cum for me" his breath hot against your ear, sending you over the edge, closing your eyes your nails and heels dug into Buckys back, feeling it hit you like shock waves you at full force. Bucky nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck, all you could ear were the deep moans escaping his mouth. You felt Bucky pulse and release in side of you, thrusting your hips upwards once more earning a staggered breath in response.

He fell against you not minding the weight, as you both tried to catch your breath. Bucky rolled off of you and went to get to get a wet cloth from the bathroom to clean you both up, you were definitely going to be sore in the morning, he came back and cleaned himself off of you. Throwing the towel in a basket he crawled into bed with you and under the covers, you turned to lay on your side and looked up at him "Was this like a one time thing or" You hated to admit it but you were falling in love with him, if this really was a one stand it would break your heart.

He looked down at you wrapping his arm around you pulling you close, "If you want it to be then it can be, but i was hoping it was more" You could feel his heart jumping out of his chest, you knew he was scared to show his feelings but the way he looked at right then, you truly knew that he did love you. Leaning down he pressed a passionate kiss on your lips, both of you smiling in the middle of it. It didn't take the two of you long to fall asleep, for the first time in a while, you didn't need any extra blankets, all you needed was him. Maybe Nat was right, maybe this mission was a good thing.

You woke up the next morning with a pain between you legs, Bucky was by far the largest guy that you've slept with and it was showing. Groaning you rolled over wanting nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around you and pull you in close, but all you found was messy sheets and a cold bed. Rolling out of bed you threw on his black shirt from last night, the fabric falling like a dress coming down just below your butt. You went looking for a hair tie in the bed side table when you found something far more interesting, it looked like one of Steves sketchbooks but smaller than the ones he normally carried around, Picking it up you flipped through the pages. What you saw made your heart flutter, it wasn't Steves drawing pad it was Buckys and damn was he good. His drawing style is the same as steves, he must've taught him how to draw. But that wasn't what made your heart flutter, the cause of that was almost all of the drawings were of you always at a distace, one of them even brought you back to the day. It was one of you sitting outside by the pool at the compound, even Sam and Steve were drawn in. You flipped to the newest page and found an uncompleted drawing, it didn't click at first but the more you looked at it the more you realized that it was of you asleep in his bed, a little blurb was written in the corner

I never thought this day would come where you would be sleeping naked in bed next to me

I think im in love with you.

You couldn't help a little giggle that escaped your lips, this guy who always acted so tough and rough is actually just some big teddy bear. You set the pad back into the drawer and decided to wander out into the kitchen to see if there was anything left to eat, knowing full well that you left one of your favorite protein bars in a cabinet. You were exhausted and didn't even bother picking your head up as you said good morning to buck, You stood on your tippy toes, causing your shirt to ride up a little too high, Hearing Bucky clear his throat behind you only made you chuckle. Turning around ready to tease the poor man again"What ready for roun-" you froze in place, every word in your mind turned to mush. It wasn't Bucky that cleared his throat, it was actually Tony Stark sitting there with a shit eating grin on his face, standing next to him was none other than Natasha and Steve. Steve giving Bucky one of those looks, and Nat looked at you with the biggest smirk on her face.

"So um Bucky, tell me again about those marks on your neck, What'd you say they were from? " Clearly Tony was about to have way to much fun.

"Well Steve it looks like our evil plan worked" Natasha said nudging him in the side with her elbow

"what?" You and buck said in unison, you still hadn't moved a muscle, buck was now at your side draping a blanket over your shoulders

Natasha continued "You see, me and ole Steve had a small bet going, Sam and Clint were in on it too. I bet that if we sent you away on some remote mission together, forcing you to talk, you two would finally hook up, or at least resolve whatever was going on. It looks like Steve and Clint owe me and Sam some money"

"I had no part of this" Tony piped in hands up in the air defensively, "But goddamn was this a good surprise" he walked towards the door letting himself out, going back to the quinjet.

Laughing you asked "How much money did you all bet?"

" 200 dollars" Steve sighed, putting his hand to his temple in defeat

Bucky started chuckling "Oh my god, you guys are ridiculous"

______________________________________________________________

The whole ride home Nat pestered you with questions, Who started it? Was it good, Was it a one time thing? and a million others, at this point you toned her out and were watching Bucky talk to Steve. That man had smiled more in the past couple days than he had the entire time you knew him, thinking like that just made your heart race, you knew you were the cause of his happiness.

After a few hours you arrived back home at the compound all you wanted was a good night sleep in your own bed maybe not alone this time. You and Buck carried your bags down the hallway, sharing occasional glances and smirks, you could feel it in your heart that this was meant to be.

You sat in the living room talking to Wanda and Vision, as they had just comeback from their vacation the same day as you. You played with the ball of fire in your hands, almost throwing it in the air when you heard Sam scream down the hall "HA YES I KNEW IT, I KNEW YOU TWO WOULD BANG,I KNEW BEFORE ANYONE,I CALLED IT wheres Barton and Rogers they owe me some money" Well it looks like Sam found out that he won the bet.  Before you could explain anything, Wanda and Vision told you that they knew about it too, everyone did but no one else participated in the bet.

Bucky came around the corner and squeezed himself onto the couch cushion beside you, he pulled your legs up to rest over his lap and put his arm around you. Still playing with the fire ball in your hands, you threw it into the fire place in front of you, instantly warming up the room. You sat there watching everyone around you laughing, drinking having fun, no ones fighting, theirs no dumb bickering between you and Bucky now theirs only mocking each other before stealing a kiss.  You realized that maybe this is how its supposed to be, everyone happy and together You with Bucky Barnes. You and the Winter Soldier. The Phoenix and The Winter Soldier, maybe opposites really do attract

[tobacconist]

my house got hit with a nasty strike of bad luck last night, all at once, i think around one o clock till about half past; i blame the full moon in scorpio (i believe saturn, venus, and pluto were retrograde at the time too. not sure if they still are)

i didnt feel like writing it at the time because i was too upset

had a really good day before then too. dads been depressed recently and wed sat out in the sunshine n had a smoke n laugh. we played dominoes later on.

ill say it started with my dad gettin absolutely wankered, like really fuckin drunk n stoned, the kind of wankered where you think youre completely fine but you aint and you wont listen to anyone telling you to sit the fuck down or go to bed

anyway, mum went to bed about 11, told us both to get to bed early (because she is the only sensible person in this house) dad said he was going soon after he’d finished his wine (like he does every night) but he filled his glass a few more times and stayed up.

eventually he went to bed, i told him not to keep coming down to pester me and that id go soon after. of course he came down a few times (its like an incredibly unfunny farce every night) to eat crisps and drunkenly ask me why i wasnt in bed ‘give me some fuckin peace and i’ll likely go to bed sooner!’ i said its a farce

i was trying to think about designing an expanded dominoes set which also functions as a jenga set, and perhaps could be used as some kind of analog calculator a bit like an abacus. i was looking up variations on the game of dominoes and thinking about the esoteric significance of the game

of course i couldnt think about it in peace for long, cus dad came down once again to ask me why i wasnt in bed yet ‘because you wont let me have any fucking peace to think!’ i said ‘the sooner you go to bed the sooner i go to bed!’ it really is like this every fuckin night

‘alright, alright, im going to bed. dont be too long’ he said.  then i heard the dog coming down the stairs ‘fuck sake! dont wake mum up for fuck sake, she’ll come down and yell at both of us!’ i thought then he said (to the dog) ‘oh, do you need a wee?’ n then i got a real bad feeling that i couldnt really place, like everything was going to suddenly go wrong.

i hide his wineglass because for fuck sake if he comes back downstairs im not gonna get any peace hes bumblin around makin a load of noise, then he shuts the door so i presume the dogs inside.

then he comes to me! asking me where the dog is, i say ‘didnt you just let him out? is he inside?’ he shouts to my poor mother, who is just trying to sleep ‘is the dog up there with you!’ she yells back ‘NO! YOUVE JUST LET HIM OUTSIDE YOU STUPID BASTARD!’ or words to that effect. she’s really angry and im like ‘hhhhhhhhhh fuck sake’

i start panicking, for personal insane paranoid reasons (basically a picture of my dog taken that day had a strange lense flare from the sun that, sorta, yknow in the film the omen where they take a picture but theres a weird streak on it and then later the person gets impaled by a huge steel beam. looked sort of like a downward swung scythe to me. praying its just the light, but yeah i got really paranoid.) so i was suddenly like ‘holy shit holy shit is something going to happen to my dog’, i grab my torch and sprint into the garden with my shoes on the wrong feet. i hear my dog suddenly yelp and im genuinely prepared for the worst.

mum had come downstairs now and was yelling like fuck at my dad, who was barely lucid, like, not even understanding why she was angry, and that jus made her angrier)

thankfully, my dog was okay. hed found a hedgehog in the garden, once again, and was once again trying to beat it up and play with it.  i grab his collar and send him back inside. i look at the hedgehog. its all curled up, and i can see that its bleeding. its breathing still though, breathing really heavily. i half cover my torch so as not to frighten it any more and watch it for a bit.

i go back into the kitchen and my mum asks whats wrong, i hesitate for a moment and then tell her dog was being nasty to a hedgehog. i should tell you that hedgehogs are my mums favourite animals, she collects ornaments and paintings of hedgehogs. she really loves them

i dont really know what to do, so i go to the fridge and get an egg and crack it half open, i go back outside and leave it nearby. i notice that mums come outside too, and she asks where it is. i dont want to scare it anymore by getting too close so i just shine the torch on it for a few seconds and point out where its bleeding.

we go back inside, now both feeling really sad. dad is wandering around the house demanding to know where his wine glass is not at all aware of whats happened. mum says shes gonna go for a cig and then try to go back to bed.

i shut the dog in the back room with the curtains closed, i only do that when hes really bad. was too sad even to yell at him. left him in there on his own for atleast an hour an d a half. really disappointed in him. i hope he realises what he did was bad, and i hope he never does it again. hedgehogs are friends.

i went into the living room and sat down and had a drink. dad was still wandering round looking for his wine glass. i say ‘you know the dog just really hurt a hedgehog’ he says ‘dont tell me that right now, i dont want to hear it. where have you put my wine glass!??’ hes just madly looking around calling me a thief, i tell him i havent stolen it, just moved it, but hes drunk too much anyway’ this is another another weekly farce.

he finds it eventually, and sits down. my mum comes in the room now, and i can tell she’d been crying. she says maybe we should put it in a cardboard box or something, i say i dont want to disturb or traumatise it anymore, and it wouldnt want to be in our house anyway. we discuss it for a while, dad keeps making suggestions about what takeaways are open or something because hes half asleep and not actually listening to what were saying.

eventually we decide that i’ll check on it in a few hours to see if its still there or dead or what and if its still alive then i’ll put it in a box and see if we can take it to the vets in the morning (not likely, since theyre only open for emergencies atm)

she goes to bed, dad goes a little while after, still smugly talking about how i should be in bed and mumll be upset if im up to late, cus hes completely out of it

then, just as i put youtube on to distract myself, the internet goes down for like 15 minutes.

i jus sit there refreshing the page. it comes back on after a little while.

i idly browse but cant enjoy anything. i think about writing a tumblr post about it (as i am doing now) but it feels wrong at the time.

i open omegle and tell the first person who’ll listen jus to get it off my chest, theyre very kind, and then we idly chat about some shit. i start to feel better.

then i go have a look in the garden; the hedgehog is gone and the egg is unfinished. i dont know if that means a fox got it, or whether it shuffled away somewhere to die or if it was ok and it wandered off thinking ‘never fucking ever coming to this garden again!’ hopefully the last, but thats still sad. i know hedgehogs are pretty resilient animals. i hope it was okay

i let the dog out of the room about 2 because he started scratching at the door. i didnt say anything i just sent him up to bed. he had an ashamed face. i hope he never does it again.

then i stayed on omegle all night until about 6am. stupid thing to do but i felt better after a while. 

i feel the evil energy was gone in the morning. the moon has begun to wane and moved into sagittarius. mum seems alright. dont know if dad remembers anything from late last night. im feelin okay, jus real hungover. drank a lot more than i meant to

dont think im gonna proof read this so it might be a bit rambling. jus wanna get it off my chest

[ardenttheories]

On the meta stuff with Meena:

DAVE: ebubbles theyre awesome #how is this not awesome DAVE: its just some ridiculous shit i figured out how to do here DAVE: this whole place runs on memories so ive been messing around with that #just as long as you dont ask me how #we are cool DAVE: turns out i dont even really need the internet for shenanigans i can just exploit the afterlife

/

DAVE: you want to "be me"? #air quotes MEENAH: yeah why not DAVE: ok well without getting too deep into the issue of how absurd that request is on the very face of it #a face presently being palmed DAVE: its just not going to happen DAVE: i mean not yet anyway not this early in your little dream bubble quest you got going on here

/

DAVE: i really dont think we should get too meta about this DAVE: just #ok DAVE: look DAVE: youre on a mission to gather up all your dead friends and build an army or something #cant believe im even explaining this DAVE: personally i think thats a shitty idea but you are clearly motivated to do that MEENAH: yea #tru dat DAVE: so why would you waste time going around "being other people" it doesnt make any fucking sense #air quotes DAVE: for instance you cant be anybody in this fucking sandy beach area because ostenibly youre just charging through this place looking for your friends DAVE: dammit try to play the part at least somewhat #ahahaha #already too meta #i give the fuck up

Dave has this weird note again of the narrative and meta without going full ham. He understands roughly what the concept of “being someone else” is, but the actual idea of it seems to be ridiculous to him. There’s a feeling that he doesn’t quite believe what she’s saying (without getting too deep into the issue of how absurd that request is on the very face of it), and then that he’s just playing along with her weird idea (#cant believe im even explaining this, so why would you waste time going around "being other people" it doesnt make any fucking sense).

It’s like he gets it, but he also doesn’t. He’s talking in the way as if he can understand the key concepts of what’s happening and even what she’s trying to ask, but thinks the whole thing is bogus. He even says she can’t be anyone in the beach area because she’s just wandering through it - as if he doesn’t recognise that it’s acceptible for her to shift narrative however she likes, or as if his understanding of the narrative is completely different (she can’t be anyone there because they’re not relevant to her quest, even though she’s been other people for lesser reasons before).

It’s weird. He gets it, but he’s still skeptical of it. Like he doesn’t want to accept the fact that there’s this person out there that can just go around being someone else, as if someone can just suddenly be him.

Even when you look at the e-bubbles thing, notice how he says it.

It’s something “ridiculous” that works based on memories (which is a fair part of Time’s capabilities, I’m so frustrated I didn’t figure that out before). It’s an exploitation of the Afterlife.

Not the narrative. None of the things they’re doing now - the tags, the bubbles themselves, the way things work - he sees as being an effect of the physical narrative that we’re seeing. He allocates it to the dreambubbles themselves instead, and his ability to play with anything related to Time.

What comes after that, then, is the stuff about Time being related to the narrative.

Here’s the thing. Time isn’t about the journey, or the beginning. Time is actually just the End. That’s why it’s so heavily associated with Doomed Timelines and death; those are things that have ended, that are no more. It’s only one part of a whole narrative.

Space, the beginning, starts this. Then we have Life, which is the rising action, and Doom, which is the falling action. One that shows the growth of the plot and one that shows its stagnation to the finish. Then, of course, you have Time, which is the conclusion.

Logically, this means that each of these four Aspects should have SOME influence on the narrative, but not total. It’s only when all four come together that you get a whole story, after all; so how can you have a fully effective understanding of the narrative when you only influence one Aspect?

This is why Caliborn can control Homosuck; he’s the Lord of Time, the Master of the Ending. That whole timeline he creates is about that one specific Game Over; that’s him changing the story to be the defeat he’s always needed. He can’t influence the narrative sooner because it’s simply too early for him to play his part; it’s only when we’re getting to the Ending that he can clutch it in his claws and fuck it all up.

This is also why Calliope can control the Epilogues - or, one of them, anyway. If Space is about Beginnings and Creation, we need to think about what an Epilogue is; a continuation after something as Ended. This is Calliope playing up to her Aspect and reviving Homestuck from the ashes of its End, creating a new storyline and a new plot. Her influence is strongest here because we’ve come full circle.

In addition, note how Calliope can’t influence a timeline where the plot continues. Dirk rekindles Homestuck in Meat and sends John back into it, thereby continuing the same old story and forcing it back to life, which goes completely against Space’s control of the narrative. This isn’t the new Beginning she needs; it’s not even an Epilogue so much as a time-skipped sequel.

In Candy, however, the Homestuck plot is very much dead and done. Everything that happens after is completely inconsequential and could be an entirely new story in and of itself - which is exactly what she needs to bank on for it to be usable for her.

I think this, even, is why Sollux is able to tap into the narrative in some degree - such as with the code that destroys the universe - without actually being... aware? And why Meena is a lot more accepting of the idea of just “becoming someone else”. Both of their Classpects have connections to narrative control, with Sollux suffering from it (though we don’t see this in full potential because of how little he’s on screen) and Meena stealing it (what else could “becoming someone” be seen as except for Stealing their Life? We’re basically in control of them in that moment; we’re guiding them through the narrative regardless of what they would have, or should have, been doing, all so we can just see what happens on-screen.)

So, back to Dave. Lord and Muse have much better control over the narrative, likely because they’re masterclasses, and we can tell that, to some degree, the other Narrative Aspects can have awareness. Dave, being only a Knight, wouldn’t really be able to tell what’s going on fully simply because it’s not important enough for him to know, not part of his duties as a Knight; he can influence the narrative only in a very distanced sort of way, utilising it to create in-world effects rather than controlling it personally.

Dave could never be a narrative speaker, but he can definitely utilise parts of it to effect in the Homestuck universe. Things that they can interact with and see.

So, that might be a reason why Dave can interact with it, but not fully - and seems aware without being aware. His class is so rooted in the concept of the in-universe that he can only influence the narrative that way; even to the degree that narrative voices are audible for him, rather than subconscious.

As for Terezi, yeah, she’s a Seer of Mind. If we consider that what Dirk’s doing is destroying the sense of Self in order to destroy Individuality, and therefore leaving this big, gaping space of Heart behind, it makes sense that in its absence Mind will rule - albeit fractured. It’s essentially Mind control Lite.

It’s well within reason that Terezi can See this sort of control when it’s so heavy-handed. By that point, Dirk isn’t even trying to hide himself. His personality shines so brightly through the narrative that Terezi can probably smell the orange soda right off the page. I think for her it’s less metaphysical, though; she knows she’s being influenced, but maybe doesn’t know it’s through the narrative specifically - at least, not in the way that she understands it.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

athenas or the new ign videos... hmmm

im gonna go for the ign videos (moze gameplay and sanctuary-iii, no guns yet, i have a reason for that) because athenas hasn’t gotten its sweet instagram video yet. once that’s released i’ll do a full post on it. by the time i got around to finishing this post, they had released the video. oh boy... gonna do the gun post then the athenas post, i think. alright, off we go.

tl;dr: we read the entire end user agreement DAHL thrusts upon us for using the ECHO device, talk about some stuff like how (spoilers) it seems like Lilith will be getting her powers back at the end of the game, and a voice line Lily says that sounds like “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like Tannis said: [inaudible] Siren” (altho im not 100% sure on the [inaudible] part because 1) it sounds weird and 2) there’s a drum beat and also the devs are talking over her, the Siren part seems fairly accurate because of the way her mouth moves). so you know. im gonna be agonizing over that until i can hear what she says. ive already spent an hour just repeating it over and over. i nearly fell asleep lol

we’re gonna start with the moze gameplay (the first 14 minutes of bl3) because chronologically it’s first in both timeline and release date

i love the license plates on the right there

also it looks like they added in claptrap’s old welcome sign from windshear waste! time to stand in front of it for 30 minutes to see if any messages pop up like bl2

fast travel station as well, definitely going to see if/where i can teleport and going there immediately. i imagine this is more for DLC stuff and grinding tho.

also! i do believe we saw Covenant Pass previously. good to know this is actually where it is!

Marcus saying “And Welcome to Pandora!” in the beginning confirms that, yes, they’re going to be on a bus!! i wonder if there will be a fight scene before that though. it’s interesting Clappy mentions that “those jerks who tried to murder you are the children of the vault!” so i mean... there’s gotta be... right?

im also convinced this intro is going to be a mirror of Borderlands 1. i stg if it starts out with the first few notes of Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked and then swaps songs I’m going to lose my mind

also also, the order is totally going to mimic the bl1 one. Fl4k = Mordecai, Amara = Lilith, Moze = Roland, Zane = Brick. We even have Lilith taking Angel’s spot as the mysterious voice in our heads, and probably Marcus driving, AND being dropped off at a bus stop.

bet the reason they changed it from ‘Moze as the Bot Jock’ to ‘Moze as the Gunner’ is because it fits under ‘Roland as the Soldier’ better. Also, ‘Zane Flynt as Himselfs’ would be a play off ‘Brick as Himself’. Amara as the Siren is obvious, and ‘Mordecai as the Hunter’ vs ‘Fl4k as the Beastmaster’ is pretty similar as well, given Fl4k has all those Hunter skills.

the 4 basic emotes im guessing. im so glad we have the option to boop our friends in the face with emotes.

also moze’s little bunny skin is adorable

the ECHOnet used to be called “Riftspace”, “the Spline”, and... “MercTel: A Cyber-Dahl Joint” lmfao

specifically calls out Pandora. also, “artificial megastructures”??? THAT’S SO COOL

AND FUCKING

SENTIENT MEGASTRUCTURES???? 

gearbox. please. i have never ever wanted anything more in my life. please. it’s probably my birthday. PLEASE GEARBOX

also interesting that the user agreement specifically notes ‘Respawns’. I assume this is a joke because New-U stations have been confirmed not canon

“Core law”. Core law? Core... daddy? ... ????

core as in like a core government somewhere that’s not the border worlds? that’s interesting...

“The Legion”, okay, acknowledging TPS, that’s dope

“Project Blackrakk” ... im interested

“Thresher Company” lmao

im curious if Axton was apart of any of the mentioned ones. i don’t think it’s been stated, but i could be wrong

“Chieftain Oort”. also ‘Recently Legless Gary’, lmfao poor dude.

oh yeah im sure this is fine. also holy shit did they google the synonyms for ‘change’ and just start listing them? lmfao

“implicit subscription to the Digby Vermouth ‘Dig’s Gigs’ secret concert subscription service” 

sorry, what?

if this doesn’t come up again in the future- if we don’t get a spam letter or 3 in our mailbox about this concert subscription thing i'm gonna be so disappointed

Dahl hates you if you’re not a fan of hyper-jazz, “you snob” lmfao

my brain hurts, they’re good at writing these 

damn phones exist? i thought everything was ECHO. aight, that’s good to know. i guess there just aren’t any phone networks around the border worlds

also “shared dreamspaces” sound really cool

hm. that’s no good lmfao. also i love that the buttons are ‘Agree’ and ‘OK’. there is no escape, once you agree, you can’t even leave because you’re agreeing that you’re trapped with these rules even if you cancel.

that’s fucked up, DAHL. can’t believe you treat your user base the same way you treat your employees. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised.

anyway, shoutout to literally the only TOA I’ve ever fully read in my life.

also, clicking through this TOA too fast WILL end claptrap’s voice line early. so be careful if you want to hear what he has to say!!

oh shit lmao I gotta go edit that Fl4k post

ok im back ~time magic of being able to save things in drafts and post them at a later date~

sliding preserves momentum, so you can actually slide (nearly) the entire way down! i love this.

small, but claptrap bends his antennae when trying to be stealthy. i thought that was a pretty cool detail

“and some guns include an alternate shooting mode~! try it out!”

player: `immediately shoots claptrap in the face`

i died lol

a very nice look at this sign.

good to know that the twins really are tempting people to join with promises of food. i mean it makes sense, i imagine most of the cultists are desperate for stability and a reasonable life on pandora.

also, Shiv calls himself “holy influencer of the children of the vault” lol. i love that. gearbox really is going for the internet’s throat, isn’t it?

i do like that hovering over an NPC will give you their name only and not name/healthbar.

a better look at one of the signs referencing the Mother!!! i was waiting for this, the only real look we got at one was in that one scene with Moze and IB

“Behold the Mother strength surrender to the truth” 

yeah that’s not ominous...

i assume the mother and father are intended to be tyreen and troy? but idk how i feel about that implication...

i like the new little gear/spring effect for the magnet lol

new lilith! i know a lot of people don’t like it, but i do. she looks better than the bl2 vers. altho i think it’s weird they swapped both bl1 and bl2′s ‘AI’ effect to those dots and then didn’t bring it to BL3. the dots effect felt cleaner. curious why they’re not applying it to bl3 when they went thru all that effort in 1 and 2.

... back up please.

i like that there is a changing icon for long pressing now

“time to check out our slay of the day!” sounds like Tyreen but tbh i legit thought this was moze’s reaction to opening the chest at first lol 

you can hear someone start screaming in agony while she’s walking up the stairs, so i know it’s not moze, but im so used to the VHs talking when they see a new piece of loot my brain just assumed.

also THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS A REMIX OF BANDIT SLAUGHTER!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS I WAS FREAKING OUT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

also, claptrap when dropping health yells “this could save your life! then, you’ll owe me a life debt!” bullshit im pretty sure you already decided we owed you a life debt the moment we stepped off that bus

“i see it... the great vault” - a line from a cultist you kill

i know i mentioned in this post that the Great Vault may be already opened, but it could also just be a Vault they’re planning on opening and using the propaganda to convince the cultists to help them find it. 

“if you help us get this vault open, you’ll be handsomely rewarded! you’ll get superpowers! you’ll get regular meals! you’ll get money and guns and dates!” you know, the usual stuff. 

either way, elevating the Vault to a higher state (god/heaven/whatever) makes sense if you’re running a cult.

btw there is a hidden chest in the scaffolding to the left of the door, if you’re interested in grabbing some better guns before shiv. personally, i’ll be using the toy guns.

also the TVs are actually playing propaganda now!!

this one is asking questions that i cant understand due to the sound effects of the chest and claptrap talking, but it says something about “... the dust? ... join the Children of the Vault!”

“hey shiiiiiv all your dumb friends are dead!!”

shiv be like

“all my friends are dead”

some cool level-up art! I notice these are the same pictures as used on the japanese site. i wonder if they change depending on which VH you’ve picked (If you’re playing Amara/Fl4k, do you get pics of Amara and Fl4k? the player is playing moze, afterall).

also also “it’s a KIA on the knife wielding maniac. suuuper dead.” 

it’s cool that the VHs have specific lines for the deaths of bosses. i hope that continues and it’s not just a ‘15 min of intro gameplay’ thing. you know, where everything is super detailed in the beginning and then slowly gets less and less as the game progresses? anyway, moze’s little chuckle is fuckin adorable lol

ah. the door closes now so you can’t even explore Shiv’s room before Lilith shows up. gearbox plS you know me too well, i was looking for a g l i m p s e

claptrap’s voice line for getting released is SUPER off time, he hits the ground before going “you did it! i’m sa-ahhhhhhhh!” it’s weird, wondering if that’s just a glitch.

also also we get a nice listen to the revive ally sound. i could’ve sworn it wasn’t in the first look at this mission we got, because i heard it for the first time during the coop Zane/Amara gameplay on Promethea. i might be wrong, tho.

im very curious what these symbols are claptrap is beaming up

i mean you know what im gonna say

they look eridian

and they do

so wtf clappy why u beaming up eridian letters to Lilith

i assume maybe Tannis gave clappy some weird upgrade or something so he could communicate with the crimson raiders without the CoV listening in? it could be that Tannis or someone is decoding this message since Tannis does know how to translate Eridian (as shown in her bl1 ECHOs)

... or at the very least she gave Lilith a translator

the darkening makes it so that you can see the crackening. also this COULD just be a beam that lilith can see from wherever she is, but i want to believe there’s more eridian stuff. bc eridian stuff is fun.

this is so fu cking crisp im dying i love it

lilith’s tattoos spreading down her fingers

same symbol as her chest tattoo. maybe the symbol denotes new powers? like how lily has one on her chest for phasewalking, and a new one on her hand for teleportation

i love how her wings look like actual fire. i fucking love this

lilith is looking so fucking good in the new engine

im glad they got rid of her super red eyes, tbh it looked a bit weird

i think they are really pushing her fire affinity, im sure we’ll see Maya has an elemental affinity as well (im calling corrosive) and im sure Tyreen will too (slag). Amara looks to be Shock because that’s her ‘default’, but who knows until (if) bl4 comes out. but corrosive wings on maya would look SOOO fucking cool. please. please please please.

god she looks so good compared to bl2. i love how the tattoos softly glow in the dark, too. i gotta play this mission late in the day...

“you’re... the voice in my head, right?” i love this so much, i really hope my shitpost comes true.

lilith gives you a grenade mod for completing her mission! im really glad they are PUSHING through the tutorial/intro so you can get right into the game. bl2′s ‘intro’ of all these tutorials was brutal. especially waiting to unlock your action skill.

in 3 you get your action skill automatically at level 2!!! which is insane, i love it! they’re jumping right into it, it’s great. and they seem to be pushing for you to get all the stuff you need right away. 

it’s curious to note that in bl3 we get our class mods at the end of the Promethea demo (after Gigamind), since in bl2 you get your first (usually?) after the hunting the firehawk mission and both seem to take place immediately after we get to the ‘base of operations’ of the game (Sanctuary vs Sanctuary-III).

yep that quest is 100% in line with the quest marker. 

i imagine From the Ground Up may be discovering where the Vault Map/Key actually is? maybe bringing people to the Recruitment Center (notably Tannis)

for this scene. i hope this takes place after the HBC, because i seriously... can’t imagine the twins showing up, taking the Vault Map, bringing it to the HBC, and then NOT taking Lilith’s powers/trying to kill Lily and accidentally taking her powers. it just doesn’t make sense, Vault Hunters be damned, we are level 2 they could melt us easy peasy. 

If anything, it feels like we COULD find the Vault Map in the Recruitment Center, Tannis tries to activate it/fix it, we find out it’s mega broke, and then the Sun Smashers show up and take it. but i seriously can’t imagine Lilith nor the new VHs allowing that to happen while they’re still there. maybe if Tannis sends us to do something while Lilith is gathering other CR members? then it could make sense if they attack while Tannis is alone with the Key...

OR

we end up finding something in Shiv’s room that shows/helps us realize the Sun Smashers bringing the Vault Map to the Calypsos. tho this would mean the quest From the Ground Up is SUPER short and I imagine it’s not. Maybe we raid a camp of theirs like the one in front of Sanc-III with the bridge/ramp? We need to be about level 6 before we go and we start From the Ground Up at 2 so there’s obviously something DEEP we’re missing here. maybe this is a mission where we go gather the other Crimson Raiders? HMMMMMMMM...

.... oh.

nevermind lmfao

she opens her ECHO immediately after this LOL i feel kinda dumb now

raiding their camp it is! the Droughts sounds like a fun location. Very much like the dust. you guys think there’s a Shade situation going on there? i’m excited to see it. Still think we’re going to use Shiv’s room to get that lead, though. i just really wanna watch tv lmfao. i hope this means the bandits run from the camp to the HBC, or we find info that the bandit warchief sent a party to the HBC with the Vault Map. either way, i just don’t want the twins showing up until after the HBC or i will have so many questions. “why didn’t you kill lilith?” being the first. “the god queen wants her head!” ur goddamn right she does, so why doesn’t she (try to) kill lilith???

85% already?! hot damn

also

that’s one badass description there, Moze

also also

while having gun slots locked is pretty normal, im surprised they’re locking class mods and relics, too! i wonder when we’ll be able to equip relics. maybe when we first go to eden-6 or smth. or maybe after we meet up with Rhys. shit maybe he’s just handing us an artifact (im gonna interchange these a lot, sorry!) in that Promethea video lmfao

“ready to chuck some boom and frag some maniacs” lol moze i love you

if you’re playing Zane... `equips grenade mod for checkmark` `immediately equips second action skill and never actually uses grenade mod`

“it’s the firehawk! the god queen wants her head!” 

like i alluded to before, i would not be surprised if Tyreen doesn’t know she can absorb Siren powers... when she goes to succ lilith in front of Sanctuary-III, it’s totally possible she actually was trying to kill her. That could explain why she looks so intrigued at her hand like “oh shit okay lets see what this can do”

might be why she was okay with sending her cultists after her instead of showing up herself.

“alright, we got a foothold. maybe things are turning our way. come on killer, you’re with me” we are going to explore the SHIT out of shiv’s room.

alright alright alright

let’s move on to the Sanctuary-III stuff

yessss

i love the quest objective thing, it looks like we will be able to swap through our quests with the push of a button! also im curious why exactly we’re going to promethea right away. i wonder if the twins say something about moving there after getting the vault map/lilith’s powers, or if we hear from rhys. im expecting something about the vault map, since our vh will admit they don’t know rhys at all when talking to lorelei. but for some reason we need to be within the city limits? since lily says ellie got us within the city limits. 

hmmmmmm. okay, okay, maybe the map was trying to lead us to promethea for vault reasons during that short amount of time that we had it and it was working. maybe promethea is what we see when tannis is activating the key during that one cutscene? ohhh shit how dope would it be if we got that fucking easter egg message? omg “Children of the Vault. Come to Promethea. We are not on Pandora anymore. Tannis is not what she seems. Do not open the Vaults.” and everyone is like ‘uh did that thing just mention Tannis by name??’ and now it’s REALLY important to get the map back just so we can figure out wtf it’s trying to tell us. 

i will question how ‘Tannis is not what she seems’ would affect character relationships, especially if it’s said so early in the game. so perhaps we only hear the first part of the message. maybe it’s corrupted because it was recently broken. iunno. just playing around with ideas. the canon of this game is like flarp putty until sept. 13th

anyway moving on because this is literally the first f r a m e of the video

i like that you can see pandora’s eridian scar. if the destroyer is speaking through eridium to people, it’s gonna bust outta the side of this planet like you wouldn’t fucking believe lmao. eridium is a window to the soul and if you stare long enough into its glossy, shining sides, the destroyer stares back

that or it’s just like a beacon, slowly spreading its influence across the universe. but i like the idea that the destroyer can waltz out of a big enough hunk of eridium. so it will bust out of pandora’s eridium scar. F in chat for pandora but also lmfao the amount of tentacles and rage would be unparalleled.

reality is that the twins are probably farming this scar for eridium to turn into slag for multiple purposes. like brainwashing their cultists, giving them powers, and ensuring their guns have their manufacturer’s quirk (im getting to this in my next post bc im just gonna compile all the ign gun videos into one big post)

the floor art is different from the actual sanc-iii demo. i mention this first in my behind closed doors panel analysis, but im gonna mention it again because this is ~official~. the floor list on the first walkthru of sanc-iii we got had the names of all the crimson raiders and lines leading to their shops. so we had the infirmary/tannis, marcus, moxxi, etc listed on the floor. i imagine this new sanc-iii will change as we get more people on board or if we do a sort of re-decoration of the ship.

also also, it’s cool to see that we have 4 rooms on the minimap, likely one for each of the VHs (and your coop buddies). ive seen speculation that the other, non-played VHs will hang out in their rooms when you’re not playing them, and tbh i really hope this is the case.

we also know this version of sanctuary-iii is after pandora, so there are no promethea citizens aboard yet. which makes me double certain the first sanc-iii video we got takes place either after endgame (explaining why Lily has her tattoos back) or right after Athenas (explaining why Maya is there). which... i mean... spoilers, guys. 

that’s one good lookin fast travel station, holy shit

im in tears over here because “Caution: no steppy”. this is so fucking funny to me

no steppy on me

okay moving on because i will cry laugh over this for forever im allowed

moze’s room is so much different than amara’s

also i notice she’s on the left of the two on the top, which makes me hope the other 4 are reserved for the other VHs (or your coop buddy).

compared to the official sanc-iii demo video

and amara’s room

moze’s is so barren oh my god

someone get this girl like... a colorful throw pillow or something

baaank. also doubles as the secret stash. kinda upsetting, because that is infinitely less loot i can store when i make a lot of characters. also if i upgrade the bank once, is it upgraded across all my other characters too? or are the guns i put in storage slot 11 locked up until i buy the upgrade?

either way, i am saddened because no more mule characters. and way less space the more characters you make and more gear you find, because all gear you put in here is there across all characters. i hope this means our backpacks will be a lot bigger this time around!

supamax mfg shows up again

ppm/04-02 matches up with the number behind the fast travel station. i wonder if this will come into play. if the number changes later in-game im going to freak the fuck out bc that means wherever we are isn’t actually sanctuary-iii

ppm/04-02. remember that 👀

also, the wall behind the golden chest changed from red to steel/greenish. can’t tell the actual color. same as the floor

you know. that color.

“golden keys are popular. you can get some in-game and also get them online”

in-game you say??? im interested! i wonder if there will be some sort of arena (like moxxi’s) where if you complete it you get a key as a reward. i saw people speculating about some sort of randomized boss rush, that could definitely be a way to get gold keys, as well.

oooo engine room! im excited to explore here.

original size is 16. so, we have 40 backpack slots! still... you know... only 1 above the max of bl2, but hey. at least that’s an upgrade. as small as it may be

on the bright side: bank upgrades increase capacity by 5. with a base of 10, and 8 upgrades, we have 50 slots to fill. which is a big leap from the original 24. it is still a shame we have to share these across characters, tho

offline cultist stream? makes me think the CoV really was trying to steal/take over sanc-iii from the crimson raiders and we went to go take it (back?) in Taking Flight. either the CoV found/ordered Sanc-III, or the crimson raiders were building it/fixing it up, their stronghold got taken over, and the CoV were prepping it for takeover.

the shooting range. and if you notice that little CoV symbol in the bottom left there? yeah pretty much backs up my previous theory

all those red bits are tied to ellie’s crew challenge. so we’ll be collecting things for her!

an altar for scooter 😢

“we’re gonna get those cultism sumbitches, believe you me”

where you get yeeted out of Sanc-III. im definitely going to try jumping in it to see if it kills me. doesn’t look like the drop pods are available yet

that’s not clappy, pretty sure he’s hanging out on the bridge right now

schematics for veronica

the thing i was most excited about in this video!

loooots of customizations! which excites me because i know eridium used to get useless late game when you’ve grinded all the raid bosses. it looks like eridum is going to be in ultra high demand. but u can bet ur ass im gonna be unlocking all those fucking customizations asap.

veteran rewards is also super super interesting

hgggggg i wanna know what the shields do!!! 

i like the vault symbol at the top of the item card as well, shows you its a special type of weapon/item. im honestly surprised we’re able to buy ‘veteran rewards’ so early in the game? i mean obvi we won’t have enough eridium (look at the costs!) but it’s wild it’s even accessible. im personally a fan of the first bonus ‘anointed: gain life steal on action skill end’

looks like these guns have been chosen

to give them those special bonuses

i do see that just anointed is not class specific, but the ones that say anointed gunner or maybe anointed siren will be (confirmed by the devs in video).

you pay with eridium, so maybe the vending machine has some way to confer the power of eridium to the guns. or some shit. iunno. it’s possible this won’t be available until the end of the game, hence veteran rewards, and is only being shown to us right now since this is a showcasing video.

pandoran civilian. no promethea civilians today folks! i am CONVINCED that the old sanc-iii demo takes place after the end of the game. at least after athenas.

it’s weird seeing moxxi hanging outside her bar.

is also cool to know that the 4 slot machines are actually available. seems like npcs can play them, but we can use all 4 if we want to. which is really nice

the one on the far left is called the ‘loot boxxer’ and it gives mostly guns lol. i see they are taking jabs. good for them

better pic of the leftmost machines

Zer0 seems to have a bounty board? not sure if this is like a physical bounty board or if they will contact you when they want something dead, but it is cool to note. this isn’t shown in video, just the devs speaking about it.

similarly hammerlock has ‘big game hunts’ where you find “rare, challenging creatures” and kill them for him

apparently we’ll be killing something known as a manvark

this book

i fucking recognize this book

HAMMERLOCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

in all seriousness tho

hammerlock probably isn’t in his room because we haven’t rescued him from eden-6 yet.

a cool thing about the crew challenges: as you progress through the game and do these challenges, sanc-iii will ‘grow and change to reflect the things you’ve accomplished’. altho another dev says “sometimes these are optional things, like challenges” 

so now im like oh shit we’re gonna change sanc-iii as we play the game. i wonder if that means we’ll be changing the hull, too. because you know. the blue paint job. we gotta go STEALTH. sneaky beaky into the calypsos fleety

tannis doesn’t have the saurian on her table. also, interesting note, she DOES have the eridian log in the corner. meaning she must have had that before eden-6. interesting... maybe we’ll find more on Pandora.

she is still covered in blood tho. idk i don’t have an explanation for that. don’t think i want to think of one, to be quite honest.

oh no. (those are skulls next to all the gurneys)

“tannis plays a much bigger role in bl3 than she has in past games”. bigger than borderlands 1? that is... impressive. she’ll be running the health vending machines (which is weird bc i could’ve sworn in the promethea demo, zed was still running them... hm.)

another angle of sanc-iii

clappy? you good there?

the devs said they’re using him to plug a hole. i assume the calypsos shot at the ship as we’re leaving or smth.

lily with no tattoos, who also looks significantly more pissed than her other sanc-iii demo counterpart

you know. because she got her tattoos.

also

fucking

lilith says something right here. all i can make out is “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like tannis said. ..... [inaudible] Siren.” maybe some weird word i haven’t heard before? i swear she’s saying ‘like tannis said: a ‘m...’ Siren” but i am not 100% sure. if someone could help me out, that’d be rad.

so its sounding like lilith rushed in with explicit warning from tannis about tyreen stealing her powers, and tannis knew tyreen was some sort of Siren and warned lily, but lily didn’t listen. it could also be that lily is saying something like “im not a siren” but i can’t really hear it if she is. it sounds like she saying a word that starts with m to me. if someone could help me with this i’d owe you my life

whew. i am. fucking TIRED.

im gonna sleep for like 3 hours and then wake up and make food before the fl4k streams start.