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jodilin65 · 15 years ago

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SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2009 It’s been a very peaceful Halloween being out in the woods and away from pesky civilization. It was also quiet today between Jesse’s being home and the weather being warmer.

Didn’t do all that great on tonight’s German lesson but am 75% through 101 with a 92% accuracy rate.

Some people laugh at my use of the word “only.” Such as when I said I was currently fluent in only 3 languages, and when I described a certain day back in Arizona as being mild and only 108º. A cashier who once drooled with envy when I could sit on my hair cracked up when I spoke of the days it was only to my waist.

I was thinking I should get if not a California license, then at least a California ID. I think I’ve been living in California with an Arizona driver’s license with an Oregon address on it long enough.

I also think I should get my own debit card. It’s never good to keep money in just one place anyway, and if anyone’s learned this the hard way a couple of years ago, it’s us.

Meanwhile, November’s when we get his Mac back, December’s when we get my new glasses (or contacts if I can get up the guts to try them), plus other things we could use around here, then January is when we begin to save, save and save! By June I estimate will have enough for a new vehicle if this one crapped out and wasn’t worth fixing. By next December I estimate we’ll have that plus 3-4 months of rent saved.

Right now we’re thinking the best time to go to Italy will be when we’re waiting for our new house to go through and all that. A few months before I know when we’re going for sure I’ll really push for fluency with the Italian. It shouldn’t take long since I know other romance languages and the general rules of how they work. My brain is also wired for that sort of thing anyway.

So now we learn that the healthcare reform thing was basically just a joke, though I pretty much figured as much from the get-go. Tom was all excited about it, but as I tried to tell him, “Don’t be so naive, gullible and quick to believe everything you read! People love to make false promises. Especially at a time when people are so down on their luck and need to hear anything that sounds good to help keep them going. Meanwhile, nobody’s gonna give us shit. Our government cares more about taking care of other countries and not its own people. We have to wait till we’re 65 to get insurance because you sure as hell won’t be getting any job that offers insurance IF you can ever get another job again in the first place.”

As much as I hate cold weather, sometimes I think we ought to just take the Macs, laptop, stereo, iPod, maybe the camera, some clothes and some toiletries like shampoo and toothpaste, leave everything we can’t sell, then head on up to Canada where they insure everyone. But I know we wouldn’t survive the transition and I don’t know that they do retirement communities.

I’m just so worried about our future! The present might look better with the MT and all that, but the long-term future just looks so incredibly bleak. :( I fear that instead of “going home” in 3 years we’ll be killing ourselves instead in about 2 years if there are still no jobs when his extensions run out and we don’t want to be total street bums.

Thanks, God. Thank you so much for caring about my husband and I. Your love for us really shows.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to “try” to get to a dentist and I’m not going to “hope” for one either! That’s just no fucking way to have to live. Do you know how many things could go wrong with a person’s health in 21 years on top of the dental problems they may already have?! Well, if we survive this recession in the first place that’s how long I’ve got till I can get Medicare. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009 Made a couple of bucks in less than 5 minutes and am slowly going blond while I’m at it. Well, semi-blond. Blond is my least favorite hair color, but gray is also the ugliest color in the world. I still don’t have much gray; just a little at the temples and forehead plus a few sprinkles elsewhere. But I thought that if I lightened it up little by little the gray roots wouldn’t stand out as much. I’m not going to lighten it too much, though, because I simply wouldn’t look good as a blond either way. Right now, between the last dye job and the California sunshine, it’s a light golden brown.

The good news is that I’m easily going to beat my $100 goal for the month of October. As soon as I get everything that’s pending, plus whatever else I’ll make today and tomorrow, I should be closer to $130 - $150. Between the two of us, it’s like getting his pension money early, plus more!

It’s neat to get paid to write articles and various things that get published in magazines and online, plus other kinds of jobs I do in both English and Spanish. Nothing in Italian or Portuguese yet, though I’m not as good yet in those languages or with German. The German classes have slowed down since I’ve been busy working, but weekends are slower so that’s when I usually catch up on things like that.

Got a letter from Rosa. She made me a Halloween card. I sent her the notes we swapped late one night so as not to wake Tina up by talking out loud and she was amazed that I kept it all these years.

She said she misses home, of course, and her son and mom, but that she tries to keep busy. She said people are always at her door wanting her to make birthday cards or cards for other occasions, and she’s usually tired by the time she’s alone. I didn’t know you could be “alone” anymore in prison than you could be in jail. She’s lucky if that’s the case.

It’s been chilly at night, but the days have been warm and sunny. We might even hit 80º in a few days. :)

Tom called Jesse shortly after I got up today at 11:00 and let him know that he discovered that he hadn’t turned the cooler valve off all the way so that’s why water was running off. There’s also a leak in the plastic line which Jesse says he’ll replace, but as Tom told him, there’s no reason that can’t wait till next year. I still think there’s a gap in the roof by the door too, and that it’ll leak in front of the door when it rains.

I just don’t see how Jesse could’ve seen the water dripping onto the porch from his place like he claims. Maybe with binoculars, but I don’t see how he could see it through all the trees and brush.

Speaking of trees, he’s also going to be dragging a dead tree by our place at some point which I’m sure will have to be when I’m asleep. The bulldozer is broken down right now so he has to fix it first.

I just wish he would do something to shut his fucking dogs up when he leaves! Three times I had to yell at them after he left on the motorcycle around noon. I was so glad to hear him come back just before 2:00. But it’s Friday night so he might still go get shitfaced somewhere. I’m sure the dogs will let me know it if he does.

The whole thing just makes me want to get our own dog even more. If we have to listen to barking every place we go, why not have it be our own for once? It’s like when neighbors blast music. People figure that if they’ve got to hear music for a while it may as well be their own, and so they join right in. We’ve also had a string of bad luck with rats ever since Tinkerbell died, and I like the idea of having something that lives longer than two years. But I don’t like not having a doggy door or an enclosed yard!

I’ve decided not to renew my Webshots membership this year, though they do say you can store up to 1000 pics with a free membership and I’ve got 993, so my pics will still be there. I’m just sick of all the holiday pics! Who the hell needs a dozen Halloween pics and so far in advance of the actual date? It’s worth saving $30, even if it means losing out on some of the better premium pro shots. I’m also archiving my pics in Yahoo either way.

Kiwi’s to launch 3.0 on Monday, something no one’s at all happy about.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2009 My entries have really been lacking, haven’t they? Work’s been so good that I’ve been pretty busy. Initially, I set a goal of $3.25 a day so I could make $100 a month. Then I started to think I’d be lucky to get just $2.00 a day. Lately, however, I’ve been making $10-$15 a day! Not bad for a few hours of work in the comfort of home. So while I may not be God’s little princess, I ain’t His poor-ass bum anymore either! Hopefully, He’ll go beat on someone else’s head with money for a good long time and leave ours alone. It’s people who don’t give a damn and who don’t want to work that deserve to struggle. Not us! As I told God the other day, “Yo, do you think we’re Puerto Rican or something? Well, we’re not and we really do want to work!”

But sadly there won’t be many new jobs coming around this area for quite some time to come, so it’s nice to at least be able to work online for once and make more than a few cents a day. So now our monthly income should be around $1600 a month, plenty comfortable with our rent being only about half of that. We were even able to have the tank filled with propane today for $200. So 120 gallons of that should keep us set till early February. I had just gotten up when the guy came.

I also got to wake up to the tune of barking, too. Yeah, lucky me, huh? It’s really sad that we have to deal with this in every place we live, but that’s the west for you. And it’s not going to stop with an adult community either, should we ever make it into one. But it’s the only place we can buy something without the loud music and kids in the picture as well. I’m surprised Whiskey didn’t go on and on all day, but I’m sure that the colder it gets, the more he’ll bark. It’s obviously a temperature/seasonal thing.

Jesse left a message saying he noticed the water dripping onto the porch just in front of the door we use. Tom will call him tomorrow after he goes up on the roof to see what he can see. It’s probably coming from the cooler even though we turned the water off for the year. Jesse also did a shitty job on the porch roof. At least the part by the door. There’s obviously a gap somewhere up there for the water to be able to get through in the first place.

What scares me is knowing that this could all be for nothing; this saving up money and all that. Maybe his extensions will run out in a couple of years and maybe there still won’t be any jobs and maybe the government will decide not to give any more extensions. After all, they’ve got to send our money to other countries. Fuck their own people. I mean, what do we deserve? We’re only from here.

As for a dentist, I’ve given up. I totally give up on being teased with the prospect of ever seeing a dentist. I’ve simply resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to ever see one and therefore I’ve quit hoping for that. I said to myself the other day, “Face it, Jodi, if you were meant to see one you’d have seen one by now. It’s obviously not going to happen, so move on to something that’s doable.”

IDK, maybe something up there just doesn’t feel I deserve to see a dentist, or maybe it just doesn’t give a damn. All I know is that even though we’re doing much better, we’re never going to have that kind of money or insurance since they’d obviously rather just talk about healthcare reform and not actually do anything about it. If the fucking government cared about its own people any more than it did terrorists in Palestine, they’d already have given us insurance. I know no one’s gonna get shit and I’m not going to let myself be belittled, in a sense, with this impossible dream of seeing a lousy dentist. Besides, I have gone this long on my own after all, and I can just take a pain reliever when they really get on my nerves. The teeth still have to die sooner or later anyway, don’t they? Either way, sometimes you want to do something for so long, but you can never do it for whatever reason, and so you finally just give up altogether. Even if I were suddenly insured by some miracle, I’m tired of even thinking of dentists! I’ll get by on my own.

I think the same thing happened with the idea of having a kid. I wanted one for years and I believed I was infertile after years of not being able to conceive. Then one day I had a miscarriage and by then I was so damn sick of the subject that I just didn’t care. So it wasn’t just about me deciding I wanted to keep my life and my freedom. Yeah, that was part of it. But when one anticipates something for so long it just has a way of getting old and wearing off. The only thing I can’t imagine fading with time is the desire to own our own home, preferably one that isn’t a million years old. But maybe it will. Maybe I’ll decide I like renting trashy old trailers by the time he finally turns 55. I just wouldn’t count on that one! Contrary to some people’s beliefs, though, we only have so much control over our destiny and can only be in the driver’s seat so much. All we can do is try our best to achieve what we want. The rest is up to fate. If we’re not meant to have a home – and I would say that being run out of one and losing two others would be a good indicator of what’s in our cards – then there’s not much we can do about it.

For the first time ever I wanted to hug Obama. That’d be when he signed the first federal gay rights law. I nearly fainted with shock when I read about it what with all the false promises those in politics usually make. I definitely can’t say all blacks are like the ones who victimized me for being white and Jewish and asking that they keep their music and trash off our property. I wonder why the change of heart, though, as he sure did a good job of coming off as quite a bigot in saying he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman. To hear someone say that may be sick, but it’s even sicker to hear this from a black person of all people who should know firsthand what it’s like to be discriminated against. I could’ve sworn he said he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman, but that he didn’t hate gays and I was like, then why would you want to exclude them from anything? If you don’t hate someone, you wouldn’t want to suppress their rights as far as I’m concerned.

Ok, this entry’s getting to be kind of long, longer than I expected, so I’m calling it a night for now. Fatso Ratso and Mr. Ratitude will no doubt want their dinner by now.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2009 I’m actually writing this entry by hand which I plan to type up later when the power is back on. I was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up my breakfast (Tom was still asleep) when the power suddenly died. This was around 7:00. So I called up to Jesse and he didn’t have any power either. The question is whether or not they’re working on something or if the big windstorm we’re supposed to have knocked the power out. I just hope it’s back on soon cuz it’s 62º in here! At this time of year, we don’t get any direct sunlight till around 11:00 being up against the mountain where the sun rises, and so it’ll be quite a while before it even hits 70º in here.

I almost feel like I’m being compensated for all the money I made yesterday. Yeah, yesterday was a great workday. Lots of easy jobs with better pay than usual.

Anyway, after I threw on my mom’s jammies which I appreciate immensely since I haven’t owned a pair in years, I made some hot tea. The bottoms threatened to slip off while I was at it, but I got by. I also threw on one of her sweatshirts, another thing I appreciated. I hate long sleeves, so between that and living in warm climates, I haven’t had much in the way of long sleeves either.

Hey, I’ve been keeping a journal for exactly 22 years now! On this very day 22 years ago I went to the Enfield mall with Jenny (I can’t believe I had such stuck-up selfish friends like her, but most of us do at 21) and got my first journal in 1987. I wrote by hand until 1993 when I met Tom.

Ok, back on track now. After my tea, I realized I had only 4 things I could do. I could eat. I could work out. I could listen to my iPod. Or I could lie in bed bored out of my freaking mind. I decided to write instead.

Later on, we’re going to get burgers and fries. I could light our propane stove/oven with a lighter, but I’ve been craving burgers and fries anyway. I also lost another pound, so why not?

My hand is cramping up on me because I’m not used to writing by hand so I’ll stop for now.

Whiskey just went off for a bit so Jesse must’ve left. I didn’t see the freeloaders’ dogs so I guess it just must be that time of year.

Later…

It turned out to be a pretty fun day. We left around 11:00 for Carl’s Jr. Their burgers and fries are scrumptious! The place was clean, warm, sunny and surprisingly quiet.

Then we browsed through the Goodwill store since it was close by and I grabbed some more incense.

When we returned the power was back on and now the place is just beautiful with all the afternoon sunshine and the windows open. We definitely won’t need the cooler today, though. There’s a beautiful breeze out today too, but it’s not as windy here as it was in town being nestled against the mountainside like we are.

That’s it for now. Off to work I go!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2009 Jesse didn’t work last week, but he’s working this week. Whiskey went off at 8:00. Gee, it must be coming up on November. :( I had just started putting lotion on my feet and decided that I’d go out and yell up at him if he was still going off when it dried, but he stopped. Still, I’m afraid it’s just a little sneak preview of the shit I’m going to have to listen to until April. It sucks too, not just because excessive barking is no fun to have to deal with no matter what, but it’s going to really distract me from my work.

Tom just got up now and is bogging the net watching a show so that’s why I’m catching up on my writing and proofreading now. I love the guy, but I’m so sick of him being home day after day. Just every single fucking day of every week! I like to be the first one up yet I only get to wake up when he’s asleep 3 times in like 2 weeks. This is the only thing I miss about him having an outside job. I miss having the place to myself at times when he’s not in the way when I’m cleaning or here to distract me from whatever. I would still rather make little money on our own than lots of money with him working elsewhere.

Anyway, I was thinking of the day we own our own place again, have sufficient space, and the freedom to do as we please with it. I really do hope Tom’s right too, and that it does happen! The only dark cloud over the idea is having so much barking so close to us. When I think about it, 90% of the noise we’ve had to live with since being together has been from dogs. I’d say only about 10% of it has been from loud music and kids or excessive car door slamming. But a retirement community is still certainly better than just any community because then we limit the sounds to just barking and maybe some door slamming if they have company 3 times a day like most folks out here seem to.

For the longest time, I’ve been saying there are just two things keeping our lives from being perfect. Lack of money, and worrying about who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves since we opted out of children in the end. Most of the time we’ve been together we’ve made 30K - 50K a year so we’ll probably have money again at least for a while. It’s the other thing that’s bothered me. It’s easy to say I hope to be the one to die first so I won’t have to be alone and won’t have to deal with the heartache of losing him, but if I were the one to go first, then who would he have by his side in his final days??? Then a simple solution crossed my mind, but it’s not a good one. I’d always hoped we’d each have someone, even if it were just a bunch of indifferent hospital staff, by our sides in the end. However, if we killed ourselves the minute either one of us was diagnosed with something terminal, that’d sure make it easier, wouldn’t it? Ugh, I hate to have to think of it either way and trying to tell myself it’s way too soon to be worrying about shit like that doesn’t always work!

I just might make my goal of $100 after all in my first month at MT. There was a lot of work over the last week, but now it’s slowing down again so I won’t know for sure until the month ends.

I just went out and yelled at Whiskey to be quiet when he started up again and he quieted down right away. But not even a few minutes later he was going off again. I stormed over to the door saying, “What good is the command going to do if it’s only going to work for 10 minutes?!” Then I saw our typical lazy, defiant Mexican neighbors’ dogs back on the loose again. So tomorrow it’s off to call the complaint line again like Jesse told us to for what will no doubt be the fourth time when they’re supposedly supposed to lose them. They’ll just get new dogs to turn loose if they do as that’s just what Mexicans do; they do things their way and their way only, and that’s usually to annoy as many people around them as they possibly can. Then when Tom goes back to work we’ll literally be paying for them to do it, too. Hopefully, today was just an occasional occurrence where the dogs got loose accidentally, but I don’t know. They’ve gotta be just itching to rebel by now. Again I’ll ask, how can these people complain that no one likes them if they’re going to treat people the way they do and be so inconsiderate and rude? Why can’t they be like everyone else around here? Everyone else has been a fine neighbor. No problems there. So if others can behave, why can’t they? The dogs aren’t just annoying with the way they bark and stir up Jesse’s dogs, but these are pitbulls, and pitbulls can be pretty dangerous. They need to be kept tied up and on their own property.

Tom went out and tried to nail them with a rock when they went down into the ditch, and it would’ve been the perfect shot too, had it not hit a tree branch. Figures, huh?

We’re going to have to fire up the heater today. There’s no getting away with it anymore, especially at night now that it’s getting down into the 40s. And we’re also going to have to call the propane guys out soon too, as the tank’s down to 12%. In fact, Tom’s struggling to light the heater now, saying we should get $200 in propane this week. Yeah, AFTER he struggles to light the heater he says will be easy to light if he just removes the spring door while he’s at it. OMG, he got it lit! He really did. I’m impressed.

Down a pound for some reason and that’s really about it. Since I’ve been working my ass off, which is why my entries have been lacking, I’m going to take it easier today and catch up on other things I’ve been neglecting.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2009 I won a coupon for a free box of those Little Debbie cupcakes Tom loves so much, so that’s cool.

Finally heard from Mary, too. She’s depressed, as expected, but hanging in there. She says the place she’s in now which is in Ft. Lauderdale is so horrible cuz it’s run like a boot camp and the officers there are like drill sergeants and they keep them really busy. She’s also in a huge dorm with 60 people. So much for prison being more comfortable than jail! She did say, however, that they sell radios, soda, coffee and pizza there. So at least she’s got that much to look forward to.

The last paragraph of her letter made me smile. Not just because of the suggestion itself but because I was glad to see she’s at least able to think of – uh – well, these kinds of things despite her predicament, LOL. She said I should write a book with two lesbian lovers and have one be a dominatrix.

I’ll keep that in mind, though I do romantic suspense, and well, a dominatrix hasn’t yet exactly fit any of the roles I’ve had in mind so far for characters, but we’ll see. I haven’t even been writing much of anything in the first place because I’ve been swamped with work. Been doing these transcriptions that are actually of good audio quality for a change, and plugged right into the “hit” as they call it, so there’s no downloading and setup involved or anything like that. But I expect the work will come in waves, so when the jobs are lacking I’ll do other things.

The money’s building up nicely and so is my weight. Yeah, if I don’t quit this shit with all the binging I’ve been doing lately it’s just gonna keep going up and up and up! I’m 126 pounds now.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009 I hear a garbage truck somewhere off in the distance. It’s obviously coming from down the mountain somewhere, cuz no one this far up the mountain has trash service.

Eileen and I exchanged emails throughout yesterday morning and a little bit into the afternoon. Then she had to get ready to move. I guess moving day is tomorrow.

Anyway, there wasn’t much work and then tons of jobs came flying in. They nearly cracked 100,000 hits. I’ve been working on and off all night, but when tons of hits come in within the same job, I don’t want to get carried away doing too many in case they’re just going to end up rejecting my work. I did some huge writing projects and other piddly little things.

I also think I may now know what’s going on with my heart. Yeah, I forgot about tachycardia, but that seems the most likely. It’s nothing serious; just a bit of a faulty electrical system, though I sure had the palpitations from hell the other day. Normally they just beat really hard for 3-4 beats at a time, but for the first time ever it did this for about a dozen beats. I was just beginning to wonder if it would ever stop when it actually did.

Things have dried up outside and it’s to be back around the 80-degree marker soon, but not fast enough for me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2009 So Amber sent me a friend invite on KB. I accepted it, but after having more time to reflect on the issue, I’m not sure forgiving her was the right thing. Yeah, I may like her fiery, outspoken side to a degree, but she’s also pretty unstable at times. Very angry, confrontational, defensive, and downright mean. None of us may be perfect, but she seems to have a ratio of kindness versus meanness that I’m just not into. I’m surprised she’s so sensitive when it comes to animals, for she certainly doesn’t seem to have much compassion for people. So I will be polite, but not friendly.

Eileen sent me a direct email saying she’s moving to Quincy to be closer to her kids and grandkid. This is nice to know and that she didn’t lose her house with all the foreclosures going on out there.

She asked how I decided on “ratgirl” and I told her about how I got hooked on rats.

It’s still kind of funny how my million-year search led others to find her who were also looking for her.

I didn’t get the impression that she’d seen my journal, but that may be a good thing. Eileen doesn’t strike me as a judgmental kind of person, but if you don’t like those who are unique, eccentric, liberal and outspoken, then you won’t like me! And even if you do, I can see where some people may still be unnerved by the idea of someone they know keeping a public journal, even if it’s hardly uncommon these days, and they don’t have anything unkind to say about them.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009 I wasn’t going to join Ning, the new “safe haven” for shafted and pissed-off Kiwiers, but then said what the hell? And so I joined.

Now I can finally say – after a long, long time of being what’s probably the least forgiving person on earth – that I have forgiven someone whom I’ve gotten into it with in the past online. She may stumble upon this journal and not appreciate her name mentioned here any more than it might have already been mentioned, so I won’t do it unless she says it’s ok to do so.

I think it’s cool that we’ve moved on and I think we both realize that sometimes we tend to get carried away at the mouth because we’re so much alike in that we’re both very outspoken. I also think a lot of people mistake our honesty and bluntness for being rude bitches, but that’s basically what it was about. We pissed each other off by saying things the other didn’t agree with, but I have realized that hey, we’re not in high school and so it’s better to “make up” and move on than to hold stupid grudges over the dumbest of things. She didn’t spite me into jail for verbally laying into her abusive ex as Tammy did. Now THAT’S unforgivable! But if she or a few others I’ve squabbled with on KB were suddenly outside our door, they’d be welcomed in for coffee, tea or whatever. We all make mistakes and say stupid shit we shouldn’t say in the heat of the moment, but looking back on it later on it all seems so silly. Most of all, I think we can be as compassionate as we can be mean, me and this chick, and in the end, humans weren’t created to be perfect in the first place anyway.

So if you’re reading this – yeah, you know who you are, LOL - yeah, you’re a bitch just like me, but you’re a likable bitch at the same time. :) I admire your good traits, so keep on doing what you do best!

I now have a 29” waist – yay! Not the 22”-24” that would be ideal for my height, but I’ll settle for peeling off just a few more inches. My weight is still hovering around the 122-pound marker, though. So now that I’m 36-29-36, I’m really starting to pump iron to get that sculpted, muscular look. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. My tummy is about 90% flat now, too. :)

That justice of the peace in Louisiana is pretty fucked up for refusing a marriage license to an interracial couple, saying that most interracial marriages fail, and any kids they may have will just be picked on.

Most marriages fail anyway, like it or not, and kids pick on each other all the time if not for one thing, then for something else. Besides, people shouldn’t try to stop others from doing what they want simply cuz of what might happen. I hope they sue him silly cuz it’s their lives, and if they really are making a mistake, it’s theirs to make. People should be able to marry their dogs if that’s what they want.

Later…

Just got a little rain, but at least my ear’s not acting up. I never did get any side effects from yesterday’s Claritin (just my sleep being split up), not even the one I wanted which is where I lose my appetite. I still only had about 800 calories yesterday, though today it’s leaning more towards 1200.

Got a message from Dorian, my number-one fan. He always puts a smile on my face. Damn, that guy can write!

Eileen accepted the friend invite just as I was getting pretty sure she either never got it or decided to avoid me for some reason, saying she didn’t realize she had to accept it. I didn’t realize this at first either, I told her.

She sold her house and is packing, but didn’t say where she’s going. I hope she’s ok! I gave her my email addy in case she’d rather keep in touch that way since she doesn’t use Facebook regularly. She did say that due to my finding her more Naomi people are contacting her. Oops. I’m sorry if I may’ve opened up a can of pests! Nah, she probably doesn’t mind. I did notice we had a mutual friend, though. I don’t remember this person, though I’m not surprised she remembers me. I was quite a little monster, no doubt, even though I was only there for all of 5 minutes, LOL!

After saying hi to Emma and Amber on Ning, I swapped messages with Susan. I told her I was totally on her side about the launching of 3.0 and that I believed her when she said Mike got screwed over (he’s there too, and I said hello to him as well) and tried to fight to stop it from happening, but those assholes in Germany are hell-bent on taking over. Despite any disagreements, we sort of became like one big family over there and yeah, you really can make friends online that you’ve never met and never will. So I know how they feel.

Susan replied saying she quit all her jobs there when Mike left and that he was the main reason she stayed on as long as she did, thanked me for my support, and said it was nice to see me there. I doubt I’ll be there that often, though, since I won’t be journaling there, but I’ll drop in every now and then to say hello to people.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2009 Ah, it is so nice to get paid for my writing for once! Been doing qualification tests and they’ve decided I’m best at writing and so I should be given writing jobs. Gee, I wonder why, LOL! I just wish I could do more transcriptions, though I can’t do many because they’re just too hard to hear. Oh well, I’m still doing pretty good seeing that I’m coming up on $60 counting pending jobs.

I might not get much work done tonight and not just because it’s slower on weekends, but because I’ll be drunk on Claritin D. Yeah, that’s why I’m hurrying up and doing this entry now; before it sets in and makes me dizzy, drowsy, light-headed, jittery, and a true insomniac at heart. The side effects are a killer, but the stuff really does work. I also love how it kills my appetite, too. It’s no wonder they made it illegal to obtain in some states without a prescription. I can totally see how it’d be every druggy and anorexic’s dream come true. I took it a couple of days ago and barely ate 500 calories all day. The worst side effect is the bizarre dreams you have if you can get to sleep in the first place. I slept horribly on Thursday. It’s like I never fully fell asleep, but just remained sort of on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. The next day I let myself get caught up, but since my ear started acting up again today I decided to take another Claritin, even though I’ll be just as sorry as I will be glad that I did.

I’m enjoying this toasty warm night we’re having before it cools down and clouds up yet again so more bugs can invade the place.

That’s pretty much it. Been doing a wonderful job of neglecting my stories and am even slacking off on my German lessons, but I might get around to it tonight, depending on how much of a Claritin haze I’m in. The side effects do eventually go away, but it takes a while and I’d rather not have to be on the stuff that long in the first place.

Think I’ll go check out what new jobs may be in and then do a little proofreading.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2009 Wow, I made a buck fifty in just 3 minutes writing a 200-word article reviewing our local pet store. It’s nice to finally get paid for my writing! I’ll bet I made more doing that than I would have had I let them publish my manuscript for just pennies while the publishing company kept most of the dough.

Anyway, I’m over $40 now. Sometimes the work comes in steady streams, sometimes it seems like hours go by before anything new comes in that I’m qualified to do, which they’ve decided is mostly writing projects. Gee, I wonder why?

Now I’m thinking my ear might be affected by humidity as well. It’s hot again here, but still kind of humid for this area. It got on my nerves enough to take a nightmare pill for it. Yeah, that’s what I call the Claritin D. Benadryl doesn’t help much, so I took Claritin instead, even though it fucks with my sleep and causes nightmares. I laughed when I first read that side effect, unable to see how medication could do that to you, but I don’t mind being chased by ax-wielding zombies for a few minutes if that’s what it takes to relieve the pressure I get when the tube that runs between the inner ear and throat gets congested.

Anyway, it’s after 4am and I’ve got the fan on and the window open. Now that’s how California should always be! Ah, but sadly, it’s to cool down and cloud up again soon. It’s December through February that I’m really not looking forward to.

I’m burning Cool Water incense now which smells like lavender.

Less than two weeks ago I only knew a few German words and now I know dozens. The jail Germ, as I’d refer to her, would be impressed. That’d be the 60-year-old thief I was in jail with whom I both liked and hated. She drove me crazy cuz she’d always pace back and forth across the little two-man cell we were in, but she sure had a lot of interesting stories to tell about her life back in Germany before she married the American soldier she married. She was small like me, but that was Ad-Seg for you – home of the high-profile child abusers and the undersized.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2009 The German lessons are going really well, though some of those looooong words can be tough to pronounce. Currently, I am fluent in 3 languages, knowledgeable in 2, and now I’m learning German. I don’t know that I’ll add any more languages to my list after this. I think managing 6 languages is enough work!

Mary’s 32 today. I just hope she’s ok and that I hear from her when we go to pick up our mail on Friday. That’s when the rats’ new bottle will be there, so that’s why we’re going then. Then we won’t go again till next Thursday when the check should be there.

We got slammed with rain and so Jesse was bulldozing the drive from what it sounded like when I got up. I figured he would. That first rain of the year really messes things up. I just hope the dogs don’t go losing in November like they did last November.

My ear’s been acting up since it got cooler and rainy, so maybe it’s a temperature or humidity thing besides an elevation issue. It’s supposed to be warm and sunny again, though. As it is I haven’t needed any heat tonight. It’s coming up on 2am, yet it’s 77º in here.

The Turk’s kind of slow today, though I’m coming up on $40 and still have hundreds of jobs pending. I’ve submitted over 1100 now.

Tom’s looking forward to getting his Mac back in a few weeks so he can do more transcriptions and make money a lot faster. We figured out that all we need is $45 a day to make it on our own. I doubt the Turk would ever make us that much, but his program is still a possibility. We’re looking at launching that in a few months or so.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2009 Understandably, a lot of people on KB are pissed that their protests to stop the launching of 3.0 are going ignored. I agree that there are already enough goddamn Facebook knock-offs on the web. They’re setting up other sites to discuss the fall of KB since you can’t really express yourself on KB if it’s not what they want to hear any more than you could on OLS.

I myself haven’t left KB due to just the inevitable, unwanted change, but for other reasons beyond the loss of prizes and journals. I’m sick of the drama queens like Susan, Amber and Emma, though I can relate to their frustrations over what’s been going on. Still, I’m tired of seeing the same damn members get away with attacking those who dare to speak their minds and be unique simply because they’re best buds with the hot shots there. But life wasn’t meant to be fair and I can’t fix KB. Only the new owners can do that and they obviously don’t want to leave what works best the hell alone and put an end to the favoritism that goes on there.

Here I don’t have to be afraid to “be myself” in my own journal. Here I can say what I want and not have to deal with any little sensitives who can’t handle and therefore shouldn’t be reading what I might have to say. Journals are supposed to be a means of fully expressing ourselves without having to hold back in any way. Anyplace that says you can’t bash apples or cows in your own journal isn’t really providing you with a “journal” in the first place. Furthermore, if you don’t like what someone may have to say in their journal, there’s a simple solution to that. There really is.

Don’t read it!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2009 Lots of Turk work came in today and that helped make up for the slow weekend. It was down to like 10,000 jobs on Sunday, but today there was something like 33,000.

I’m halfway through German 101, still with a 95% accuracy rate, and about to take another lesson.

Supposedly we have a real kick-ass storm on the way. At about 4am we should get slammed. In less than a day, we’re to get as much rain as we’d get in Arizona in a year. Lots of wind, too.

Can’t think of anything else. Just working and doing the usual.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2009 I’m now 44% through German 101 and still with a score of 95%. I’m going to be taking another lesson in a few minutes since it’s another slow workday. I still got enough to order that bottle for the rats awfully fast! That should be here within a week. After I get the things on my list I’m going to start saving most of my earnings.

I definitely need new glasses next. Tom thinks I need bifocals. I miss my old eyes! I really didn’t think I’d need glasses of any kind till I was in my 50s, yet my eyes are getting worse and worse by the minute, and these drugstore glasses are too heavy.

I also need new bras. Dumping 30 pounds makes your clothes too small! Then we’d still like the memory foam topper for the bed, a new body pillow, and one of those Nu-Wave ovens. I also have to drop Napster for Slacker and renew my Webshots membership.

So after we get all this shit which should cost around $300, I’ll start saving. Tom will have the $500 he’ll need to get his Mac back next month.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2009 I’m now 38% through German 101 with a score of 95%. It’s going a hell of a lot better than the French was! I’m retaining quite a bit and fast too, though I think it’s going to take me 5 years before I can say the word “nurse.” Krankenschwester, WTF???

I guess I’ll journal here till they either launch 3.0 or I get sick of it.

Not much Turk work in today cuz it’s the weekend, but I’m over $30 now.

We went to put money on the card to cover the phone/net bill today, and since we’re not doing so bad I even got some incense at the Goodwill. Vanilla, Strawberry, Wild Cherries, Opium, Cool Water, Jasmine, Rain Forest and China Rain.

It was a hot one out there today. At least in the direct sunlight, it was anyway.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2009 Decided to drop French for German since I heard it’s supposed to be the easiest language for a native English speaker to learn because it’s structured a lot like English. Sure enough, it really is pretty easy! Some words are a bit tough to pronounce, but you can get used to them. I’m already 25% through German 101 with a score of 93%. I know I have a knack for languages anyway, but that’s still not bad for my first non-romance language!

Although they have gender words like romance languages, they’re not “backward.” You know how we say, “I am not young,” while in Spanish it equates to “I no is young?” Well, they put the “I am” or “you are” before the “not” as well. It seems they capitalize the first letters of all nouns, though.

Anyway, French was just kind of ugly for me. German’s ugly too, but it’s different, and I partially disagree with those who say French is the hardest romance language. I think it’s the hardest to speak and to hear, but I think Italian has the toughest grammar.

Well, I’ve turned into a regular little workaholic working 7 days a week and you could definitely say I’m quite dedicated. Tom thinks I work too hard, though I always make sure I still have a life and that I don’t neglect other things that need to be done. The only thing I’ve been neglecting is my writing/proofreading, but that’s not a necessity, so it’s ok. Not a whole lotta jobs coming in today, so I’m doing some proofreading and I might work on my stories, too.

I also decided not to bother with AdSense until and if we have a website of our own. If we do, then I’ll throw it on whatever sites I use that’ll let me, like Blogger. It’s definitely not worth paying LJ $20 for, especially since I don’t need the features that come with upgrading. So which journal will I use? I guess I’ll stick with LJ’s free journal for now. Maybe sometimes I’ll copy stuff to other places, but LJ will be the main journal for now.

The check came today and we even have a pretty decent cushion for the first time in quite a while. Tom could even get his Mac back now, but we decided to wait till next month. It’ll only cost $10 extra. Yes, after a long stressful year of getting nowhere, things definitely do seem to be improving. I hope it stays that way, too!

But Mary’s life got worse. I hope I hear from her soon, but I can understand that she’s going to be depressed for a while.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had intermittent cramps and ache-like pains mostly on the left side of my chest. For the most part, I’m not sure what the hell it could be, but something happened the other day that now has me wondering if maybe there really is something wrong with my heart, as hard as it is to believe. I know it’s not impossible and that it does run in my family, but I’m still fairly young and super fit. And while I may not be thin, I’m not fat either. Especially for my age. What happened was I had some cramps that sort of pulsated on and off. Then they stopped for a while. But then later on I was startled by what I thought was a huge spider and the instant my heart started racing, the cramps returned.

Nothing from Eileen since we first spoke. I don’t know her or exactly what’s going on in her life, but I realize she might’ve been spooked by my journals if she read them. I even considered taking the links off Facebook, but then decided not to. I’m not going to change my life for anyone, and anyone who may be spooked by them or anything else about me shouldn’t be a friend of mine, not that the idea is to be her friend or stay in touch anyway. Don’t get me wrong; she’s still welcome to contact me and I might say hello from time to time myself, but the main point was to a) find out who she was. And b) thank her for caring. Even so, I’m kind of shocked she wasn’t as delighted and as flattered as I’d think she’d be at all the time and effort I put into finding her.

As for Gregg, I asked him if he’s checked out my journals, saying I was curious as to who on Facebook may take the time to check them out. I never got an answer, which makes me think the answer is probably, “Yes, and I don’t want to be put on the spot with any questions about what I think of them.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009 Nothing from Eileen since we first messaged each other, and she still hasn’t accepted my friend request. Hmmm… could she be spooked by my journal? Something else? Something that has nothing to do with me? Either way, it’s like, gee, thanks. I put all these years and all this work into finding you and you’re like, yeah, so? So what?

Not that I regret finding her and settling my curiosity as to who she is and what her life has been like, but it looks like my sensors were right on as usual when I said I sensed a lack of mutual excitement over reuniting. Oh well. I’ll send one more message saying hello towards the end of the month and then that’s it. I don’t want to bother with her if she doesn’t want to bother with me.

Got a friend request on Facebook from a mutual “friend” of ours. We have two mutual friends, actually, and that’d be those two people whose emails and IPs trace to Mountain View, CA. Sure enough, while this one’s profile looks legit, its email also traces to Mountain View. It’ll be interesting to see just what they’re up to.

It just seems really strange that I get friended by strangers while Eileen hasn’t accepted my friend invite.

Later…

No unemployment check today, but we’re not worried since Margaret, at the UPS Store, said that others hadn’t gotten their checks either. We mail the forms right over to Sacramento, but the checks themselves come up from San Bernardino. Besides, I haven’t had any bad dreams.

No letters or samples today, but I got that pendant I won. It’s just so-so. Kind of hard to see any detail because it’s so small, and lacking in color.

Best of all, I got my first check from InboxDollars and Tom found a more convenient check-cashing place, so we still got plenty of stuff to hold us over till tomorrow, not that we were completely out of food.

Today’s the opposite of yesterday on MT; not many jobs coming in. But if it can be this good during the worst economic times that I’ve ever seen, I can just imagine how much better it’ll be when the economy is better and there are more jobs and fewer people around to steal them from me! It’s so cool to see my money grow throughout the day and or night, depending on when I’m awake and available to work. I do as much as I can whenever I can. I love working from home! No need to worry about transportation, gas, etc.

For now, Tom, who’s still hopeful for an outside job, decided to use what he earns towards paying the phone/net bill while I get various things we could use around here and maybe even a few goodies mixed in. I want to get the rats a new water bottle first. This old roller bottle sucks and it’s too small. Super-sized rats like these go through 8-oz. bottles in no time. I’m going to get a top-loading swivel spout bottle like the one we had for years before it broke.

Not much else to say. The days are toasty warm, the early mornings chillier than I’d like. I wish it could always be June!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009 Been going nonstop since I got up about 8 hours ago that I didn’t think I was going to get to make an entry today. Yeah, they really threw the work at me today on MT! Part of the contract in working for them means you can’t discuss the jobs, so I won’t discuss the actual jobs themselves. I don’t know why they have this rule since anyone can sign up to be a worker there. You just have to be over 18 and not have any felonies on your record. Once that’s established, you’re in!

I’ve got $20 made so far and about $25 in pending jobs. Yesterday there weren’t many jobs, but today there were tons of them. I was worried I wasn’t going to get enough work, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll make $200 - $300 a month there. I currently have 577 jobs submitted, 442 approved, 17 rejected and 118 pending.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2009 Lost a total of 30 pounds since my highest high that I know of which was 151 pounds, and am back to 121 pounds.

I exchanged a few messages with Eileen last night. She was perfectly polite and friendly, but I didn’t sense the same eagerness about hearing from me as I felt over finding her. IDK, I just would’ve thought she’d be more excited. Who knows, maybe she was. You can’t hear tones or see facial expressions online, so who knows? This is just something I sensed.

Anyway, she simply told me that she did remember me and thanked me for considering her to have been a kind person. She’s 58 now with 3 grown kids and 1 grandchild. She asked what was up with me and I gave her the highlights within a few paragraphs.

She hasn’t accepted my friend request yet, but that’s up to her. If I never heard from her again I’d be ok with at least knowing that I accomplished my main goal which was to find and thank her. Anything more is just a bonus.

I did get a friend request from a fellow camp group member, and a message from Gregg saying it was his pleasure to have been able to help me after I thanked him for his help. He says he loves that kind of detective work. I was glad to hear that as I was worried I was burdening him.

Wow, California has definitely been the “state of reunion” for me, even if there were a few unwanted attempts to reunite with me along the way.

I spoke to my folks yesterday and I’m both glad and not so glad I bothered to call, as I knew they’d bring up the shit with Tammy and her brood. I was about to just call it quits and hang up when my dad insisted, all the while my mom’s attitude was like fine-go-ahead, that they weren’t blaming me only. Well, that’s nice that they recognize that I’m not the only one who did things she shouldn’t have, but they almost made me feel like a kid being scolded all over again. I understand where they’re coming from, but still, I don’t need this shit in my life. It’s easy to tell myself, “Just walk away. Just wash your hands clean of all of them just like you did 10 years ago. You got along fine without them and you know you don’t want/need any negative people in your life or people you simply don’t care for.”

But it’s not that easy what with how much I appreciate their saving us like they did, and all the nice stuff they sent. Stuff is just stuff, I know, and it’s not a ticket for them to aggravate me, but because it was a minor thing where they just wanted to ensure that I won’t contact Tammy, I will keep in touch for now. Besides, it’s not like these people have many years left to live in the first place, and as I assured them, ignoring Tammy and company is my pleasure. Even if they sent a million messages a day I could just ignore them. If they lived a few feet away from us, they could make me pay attention to them, but they don’t. Those people can never hurt or control me ever again. None of them can. I will never see them again and the only ones I’ll talk to are my folks, and without others in the mix to start the he-said, she-said bullshit and come between us, we should be able to get along. This won’t stop Tammy from telling them things in my journal that I might not necessarily tell them myself which they may not agree with (like looking up personal info on people, posting the message about Valleyhead, finding Eileen), but as long as they don’t get pushy, controlling or demanding in any way, I’m ok with keeping in touch with them. And I’d say Tammy definitely mentioned Valleyhead and camp to them because of the way Dad worded things when he said, “That’s what you do. You look up people and places.” Well, I’ve never mentioned places to them in past letters, just info on various people like when Al M died and shit like that.

Meanwhile, things just aren’t the same and I doubt they ever will be again. My folks almost sounded cold, especially my mother. Like talking to me was a chore that they simply felt obligated to do because they’re my parents. I’m not saying they don’t care about what’s going on with us and that they don’t wish us the best, but well, it’s like we’re strangers in a way. Then again, I think we always have been, haven’t we?

Anyway, my folks are ok. They said they’ve never seen a recession this bad in their lives and that they can’t even save. And what they do save has to go to doctors. I’m sure their definition of saving is different than mine, though. We’re so broke that a savings of $20 is a luxury to us.

We have 6 old CRT monitors and Tom brought two of them to the recycling center today, planning to eventually take two more in, then keep a couple as a backup. Well, it’s a good thing he didn’t bring them all in today as the one he was using burned out, so he’s using one of the backups till he can get his Mac back.

I learned an easier way to peel bananas. You usually peel them from the stem, but if you turn the banana around and pinch the very ends of it, it peels much easier. It’s how monkeys do it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009 I have some pretty exciting news! I not only got the name I’ve been looking for but made contact, too! Yay! Her name is Eileen.

I got up this morning and found a message from Gregg, saying that one of their alums gave him the names of the unit heads from 1976 and that they vaguely remember Eileen having a dog.

Someone else said she married a counselor there.

So now I had a name. A much more likely name than ever before.

But then I ran her name and got more hits than I knew what to do with. Especially without an exact age and knowing what state she currently resides in.

Then someone named Becky was kind enough to leave a message on the reunion site saying she vaguely remembers a Jodi being in her cabin, but she couldn’t picture her and didn’t remember anyone getting kicked out. Also, there was a unit head around that time who had a dog named Sidney, who fit the description I gave of the unit head.

For some reason, the dog’s name seemed more familiar as opposed to the name Eileen. So I sent Becky a PM, thanked her for her input, described myself, and gave her my photo albums link in case seeing me would help her remember anything more since I have had pictures throughout all my life there. Then, to see if Becky remembered anything else I told her the only other real memory I have of being in the cabin and that would – uh – that would be stealing some other girl’s barrette! I told her that my bunk was on the front wall of the cabin, maybe 3-4 bunks from the sidewall heading away from the door. In the next bunk to the right, closer to the wall, was a girl whose long hair I was jealous of because my mom wouldn’t let me grow mine much longer than the middle of my back. I don’t remember anyone’s names, but anyway, she had a large brown hair barrette and a colored one as well. Being the little devil that I was at the time, I stole one of them. Yeah, I wasn’t a very nice kid, LOL, though as I told Becky, I’d be happy to replace it now!

Becky told me the name of that girl and that seemed familiar, too. Then she sent me an email saying she’d Googled Eileen’s name and provided me with a link that had a photo which she was pretty sure was Eileen. It was a picture at an education site showing her, her daughter, granddaughter and mother. Without seeing a better picture taken from around the time I last saw her, I wouldn’t be able to look at it and go, “Oh, yeah, that’s definitely her!”

We seem to have a couple of things in common from what the article said, like writing and languages. I guess she spent some time in Denmark and learned the language. She seems to be mostly into business-related stuff, though, and has kids. When I looked her up on MySpace she came up as single, though the article spoke of her as married and it’s only a year old, so I don’t know if she’s still married or not. She seems to have done quite well for herself over the years and has led a very busy and productive life.

Had someone told me in Phoenix when my first attempt to locate her came to a dead-end that some guy in Georgia would help me find her 14 years later while I lived in California of all places, I’d have laughed my ass off!

This entry is getting way too long and so I’ll finish the story tomorrow. I’ll just sign off by saying that Brandy and the puppy came down today and this time it wasn’t quietly. The puppy barked just outside the porch. Tom said he thinks something happened to scare it, but I think it was playing. It not only distracted me from my work, but it really startled me. So I called up to let Jesse know his dogs were loose. Damn, I wish that guy would keep his dogs to himself! This is the whole reason we came out here; to try and finally escape this shit.

Up to $11.59 now on MT, but I’m afraid there are not going to be as many jobs as I hoped there would be. I’m also still owed about $20 in pending payments.

Oh, I keep forgetting to mention this and then I’ll sign off – I apparently scared off whoever the hell that really was that contacted me on FB claiming to be from outside of Thailand. I don’t know what their motives were, but when I confronted them with the fact that I ran their email and found them to be just 134 miles from here in a place called Mountain View, I never heard from them again.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2009 Wow, no barking yet, though I’ve only been up an hour. I’m impressed. It’s their kind of barking weather, though certainly not mine. At this moment it’s 46º. And people think California’s always warm and sunny – haha! Every night from here on out till March I’ll be dreaming of Florida.

Today’s my 12th quit-smoking anniversary! I can just imagine the money I’ve saved over the years. I don’t think I’d be alive today if I hadn’t quit, but in the end, I didn’t have much choice. Sometimes things have to get to the do-or-die stage before change occurs.

My weight works as mysteriously as God. Yesterday I took the day off from both diet and exercise, slammed on a good 2000 calories or so of whatever, and woke up this morning to find I’d lost a pound. I can also imagine all the weight I’d lose – and how quickly – if I could only discipline myself with the diet part as well as I can with the exercise part. If not, I’ll forever bounce between 122-124 pounds.

Work has slowed down over the weekend as few requesters are around to pay the workers for their tasks. The good news, though, is that I think I can make closer to $10 a day if I do 60-70 jobs a day. It’s hard to tell exactly what I’ve made each day until all pending jobs are paid for, and of course I expect a few here and there to stiff me. After a week of not receiving payment, I’ll jot the names down of those people/companies and make sure I never do any other jobs for them again.

I won a fairy pendant from that doll company. I asked them what it was I won. I didn’t want them sending me crap I’d feel almost insulted to “win” and embarrassed for whoever made it like in Oregon. I saw a picture of it and it’s not too bad at all.

What should I do now? I think I’ll try to get my sister sent to jail for defending me when I lived back in S. Deerfield in 1991 and the Northampton Crisis Center insisted I killed my dad in 1984 (yeah, they had my files mixed up with someone else’s, alright!). But who the hell was she to get involved? After all, I was only her little sister. Shame on her for trying to stick up for me. She should’ve never given a damn, right? Right?

I’m 19% through French 101 with a score of 95%. So far it’s both harder and easier than expected. The grammar’s not too bad, but it’s going to take a long time to get used to hearing/speaking it. It’s kinda ugly. Usually, it’s the other way around and the grammar is the hardest part for me. It sounds so different than Spanish and Italian and even Portuguese, too. But when you’ve been hearing Spanish every day for two decades as opposed to French, it’s no wonder French sounds weird.

J’ai froid (I am cold)!

Since there’s less work today, I guess that means more entries from me on weekends.

The dogs are still quiet and I can’t help but wonder, would they be this quiet if Jesse wasn’t home? I’m afraid I would not like the answer to that question!

I suppose it’s a waste of time to try to figure people out, but I just don’t get them when it comes to defending them. They crucify you if you do stick up for them, and they crucify you if you don’t. They’re never happy no matter what!

Later…

The cold is making my ear act up. Anyway, it’s just after 8am which means Jesse will be taking off anytime between now and noon. It’ll be interesting to see how the dogs are then, though it should be warming up fast as it usually does in dry climates. Then again, it’s only supposed to get up to 65º. It will be back in the upper 70s next week.

The more I work at MT, the more I can see the possibility of making closer to $10 a day. I wish he’d hurry the hell up and get up already, so he can set me up to do transcriptions that pay more. We read the tutorials and style guides yesterday. I may be bad at a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s typing.

So they say the new and historical insurance plan is to cover dental and vision, but I’ll believe it when and if I see it. I’m just glad they’re keeping the illegals out of it. That would’ve really driven the population up worse than China! Besides, I hate to give things unless it’s something I don’t want anyway. That’s another human trait I don’t get besides forgiveness. Why would people want to be giving any more than forgiving? Giving is how you get taken advantage of. Forgiving is how you get screwed over again. So no, I’ll never hold a grudge against Lisa for immaturely attacking me like that without politely and calmly asking me about what I did or didn’t say to my dad in an adult manner, but I’ll never forgive her. Why? So she can attack me again without giving me a chance to explain or defend myself? Sorry, but at nearly 44 years of age, I’m not obligated to explain or defend myself to anyone.

The sick neighbors we had didn’t allow me the luxury of ignoring them for 7 years, and this has only made me more determined to cut those of negative influence out of my life. I may not be able to destroy their memories. I may write about them from time to time. But they will never ever again get the chance to victimize, abuse, use or just plain annoy the hell out of me ever again. Not if I can help it! I’m sure my sister would deem that as “threatening” if she reads this too, hahaha!

Still haven’t decided on AdSense yet or if I’m going to continue journaling. I kind of like journaling where I can have some say in who comments about it. If KB really does have those controls included with 3.0 once they launch it, I might return there. It’s easier to choose the colors from their drop-down menu, but here I have to import them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2009 Yesterday morning there was some barking. Nothing maddening, but I can see how it’s going to get there the cooler the weather gets. Tom doesn’t think they’ll be a problem this winter because Brandy and Whiskey are older and the puppy will learn from them and follow their behavior. Yeah, that’s my optimistic hubby for ya! Brandy (I think it was her) just went off for a few seconds yet it’s the weekend and Jesse should be home. I hope she woke him up!

There she goes again. Great. Just great. So much for hoping it wouldn’t start up till next month! I’ll put the sound machine on so I can concentrate on my work. I’ll be working more today than yesterday because I need to give myself a day off from working out. My legs are like logs!

I almost met my $5-a-day goal yesterday. I made $4.48 that I know of. Meaning that there are several other jobs I did yesterday that are still pending. It usually takes a few days to receive payment. Once everything’s all paid, I should total around $20, plus whatever I make today. Our goal is to make at least $300 a month in extra money between the two of us.

They reactivated my Facebook account yesterday.

I’m going to give my folks a call, probably at the beginning of next week right after 5pm my time when I know they’re likely to be home, but not yet asleep.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2009 Yay, just 999 days to go till he turns 55 and we can hopefully – hopefully – get the ball rolling towards getting a house in a senior community!

Meanwhile, I’ve been working and winning. Yep, I did say winning. From 2005 to early 2008 I won nearly 20K worth of stuff. Then it all stopped right along with the economy. I’m still not sweeping regularly, but I got a win notice from a doll company saying I was their monthly winner. Apparently, if you’ve subscribed to their newsletter, you’re automatically entered into their monthly contests. I once won from them up in Oregon, but you don’t always get dolls. If I remember correctly, I got some stupid handmade craft that looked like a two-year-old made. Watch, now that I’ve quit collecting dolls, it will be a doll!

We decided to set me up with an account on MT, so now we’re both workers there. I did 27 jobs in just a couple of hours and made a few bucks. I can see where we could easily make 3-5 hundred a month doing this! Eventually, I’ll do some transcriptions. That’s where the real money is.

It’s so nice to be working and making money, even if it’s not a lot! After the hell we’ve been through, getting “rich” and having “tons” of extra money no longer is a top priority for us. Of course we’d take millions of dollars if we could. We’re only human. Yet while extra money may be nice, as long as we can pay for our necessities, that’s plenty good enough for us.

I’ve been wanting a home job that’d pay a significant amount and not just a few bucks here and a few bucks there for so long now. Working at home I don’t have to worry about schedules, transportation, uniforms, or any evil coworkers/bosses.

I decided to spend the first few hours of my day doing everything else I usually do, then the rest of the day will be devoted to working. Of course I’ll take breaks to eat, exercise, run errands, etc.

Still haven’t decided if I want to do AdSense yet. Off to work now!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2009 I realized that what my sister did really put a complex on me and could stop me from helping those who truly want to be helped in the future. About a decade ago I was harshly reminded that you not only can’t help those who don’t want help, but they can turn on you, too. Not just refuse your help, but literally spite you for trying to help. Because of this, I had to ask myself this: If I saw a guy abusing some woman somewhere, would I have the guts to try to help her? Or would I be paranoid that she would tell the cops when they arrived that I was the one trying to attack her or something like that?

I hope I won’t ever have to find out!

She once said I deserved it when I told her Ron once slapped me. This was back in the mid-80s. Can you believe it? “You deserve it,” she told me.

Yet I, along with any other sane, rational human being, know that no one deserves to be slapped. No one. If they’re not trying to harm you, your loved ones, or your property, no one deserves to be handled that way. Violence is not love. Although I threw the bastard out before I could take a hammer to his head in his sleep, her telling me that probably hurt me more than his slap. I was only around 21 at the time.

We’re looking for a site like MT that I could work at. I should be started with something somewhere within a day or two. Tom thinks I’d be best at jobs that involve writing, LOL, obviously. Oh, and I went back and re-read that chick’s message. She hasn’t been on the MT for 2 years but for 2 months.

I still can’t believe the judge fucked over Mary by reneging on the deal. Then again, I can. When you are the law, you can make it or break it at will. I don’t get how they expect people to testify if they keep backing out of the deals they make, though. Oh well, hopefully the asshole will get hit by a bus or something.

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celiastjamesoscar · 1 year ago

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Tbh you're talking to my ghost now. The real Nina died and went to gay heaven. Speaking of hot tattoo artists, the one who did my leg is coming back in February and I'm thinking about doing the back of my thigh. However, it's a very sensitive area so a whole day would hurt like hell. Buuut she's so hot and she was so excited to continue working on my leg and currently the shop has Christmas offers so I'd even save 200 bucks. I don't know what to do...

Well Miss Grace, that is simply a normal description for completing papers and treating a human being. I have no idea what else you could possibly think about 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm sure that the tutor will take good care of you and prepare you for the exam! I believe in you, my friend!

GRACE [INSERT LAST NAME] HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE SEEN ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?? FIRST SCREAM QUEENS AND NOW THIS! OH AND DONT FORGET HALLOWEEN!! Wow, I'm flabbergasted. Shooketh. Speechless. You gotta catch up! It's iconic television.

😭 don't manifest another vomit incident. But all times work for me. Since I'm not doing much at work I can read the story in peace there, so I have all day every day. Aside from Wednesdays, then 2 others are in the office with me. Other than that I'm always free to read your masterpieces!

I consider you a fellow tattoo expert, so I'm turning to you for advice. I'll send a separate ask for this because I dont want to make this one too long.

Rest in peace in Nina (insert last name). She was a bright light in this world, but now she is in milf heaven 😔 fun fact; my boss’s name is Nina. You know, I’m all for getting the back side of your thigh done!!! Especially if you are saving money AND having a hot artist work on it as well!! I say go for it!!

Mhmmm, I guess it is a normal description of an essay, but I’m keeping my eye on you 🤨 I WAS WITH MY TUTOR FOR 2 AND A HALF HOURS!!! THATS TOO MUCH TIME WITH MATH

And now look at this, we have both full name each other. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SEEING EITHER OF THOSE, DONT YELL AT ME 😭 to be fair, both my mom and my best friend have watched OITNB, so I know the plot (Plot being Ruby Rose naked.) and I’ve now seen Halloween again!!

I will try not to manifest another puking incident. Reading at work is so amazing too!!

I shall give you the requested advice as well

#bender chats #clexa is forever ♾️

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anonymityisfunwriter · 2 years ago

Text

Halloween

"This is a stupid idea," Bucky deadpans, shoving the garment bag back in Steve's hand.

"What?" Steve playfully exclaims, having spent the last thirty minutes in the common room trying to convince Bucky of their group costume. This was the only year Steve had even come close to getting Bucky to be a part of the group costume - and Steve knew it was for one very specific reason. "Come on! This is great, it'll be amazing!"

"We have very different definitions of amazing."

"It's the Three Musketeers," Steve continues, holding up his own costume. "That's a great costume!"

"It's really not."

"Shame that you think so," Steve dramatically sighs.

Bucky's known Steve far too long to not be able to hear the meddling, masterminding undertone in Steve's words.

Bucky quietly groans, his head thrown to the side. "And why is that Steve?"

"Nothing. I just - I might've heard that a certain someone is looking forward to seeing all the different costumes tonight. Maybe a special someone's costume."

And there it was. He didn't even need to look at Steve to see the insinuating smirk on his face. "Don't start."

"I also heard that she couldn't believe it when someone told her you were not only dressing up, but in a group costume too."

Bucky can almost picture it. The way your face would light up when you'd see him in this stupid costume. You'd laugh with him. You'd probably be so excited that he was making more of an active effort to be a real part of the team. Even more excited at the prospect of seeing him in a silly costume.

"And who would've said all that, Steve?" Bucky grumbles.

"I mean - I don't - I wouldn't know," Steve stiltedly lies.

"You're a terrible liar, you know that?"

"I may have heard that a few times," Steve quips.

Bucky takes another look at the costume, picturing the amount of embarrassment he'd have to endure wearing that atrocity. But not just an atrocity, a group atrocity, "No, no, I'm not! I'm not doing it!"

"Fine," Steve dramatically shrugs. "Imagine her disappointment when you're the only one that didn't dress up for the costume party. That you left Sam and me hanging."

And then he pictures the stutter in your smile when you realize that he's not going to be in costume like Steve so clearly told you he would be. He knows you probably wouldn't even say anything, you certainly wouldn't make him feel bad about it.

But he really wants to see that first image he had in his head.

"Hey guys!" you greet, suddenly walking into the room with your own garment bag in hand. You nudge your head to the two opaque bags, "Getting ready for the costume party? I'm so excited, I've never celebrated Halloween before!"

"We're so excited," Steve eagerly replies, nudging Bucky with his elbow. "Aren't we, Buck?"

Bucky does his best to give a smile, but it ends up looking more like a pained cringe. He gives you a weak thumbs up, "So excited."

"What are you guys going as?" you quickly ask. Then you shake your head, retracting your previous question, "No, no, on second thought, don't tell me. Sam told me it's pretty cool though."

"So cool," Bucky reluctantly agrees, wanting the floor to swallow him whole.

"Wanda's helping me get ready, but I'll see you guys tonight," you promise, waving at the two of them as you leave the common room.

Steve cheekily grins, "So?"

Even if he has to look incredibly stupid right next to Sam and Steve for a few hours, Bucky decides if he even sees a fraction of that excitement on your face, there's no way he can't not do it. Especially after he told you he would.

He snatches the costume back from Steve's hand, ignoring the cheeky smirk on Steve's face. "Fine."

Grumpy Sunshine Series Grumpy Sunshine Drabbles

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sickofthistoxicshit · 2 years ago

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originally i was excited about the ep titled "performance anxiety" maybe having part of its theme including buck being anxious about returning to work after his [spec'd] injury.

i thought it would be an interesting contrast to s3 where he was so amped to get back on the job, no matter the cost (and then embolism, which ultimately got him benched and instigated the whole feeling betrayed/lawsuit debacle). like if this time, he was a bit anxious that some "other shoe" (similar to the embolism) would drop that would render him unable to do his job again. unlikely, i just thought it would be an interesting thing to explore and a bit unexpected/different than what we've seen from buck before.

[spoilers] given we've seen oliver in uniform in bts pics for 6x13, i'm no longer inclined to believe that the above could be the case, (but i do believe buck will get injured at the end of 6x10 and he will be recovering in 6x12, "recovery"). however, i do think it would be funny if--before he returns to work--there was some sort of callback to s3 in the form of someone toying with the idea of a "welcome back" party and buck (or someone else who has 3x01 flashbacks) is like, "NO." no parties! no cakes!! not this time.

Hi! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me 🤗

I was hoping that performance anxiety would be about Buck getting back to work. But, I think that's still possible because even though he gets back to work there might be things he'd be wary of doing. Like if he got hurt on the aerial, maybe getting up there again would be scary for him.

In 5x08, Eddie was already back to work, but he still freezes shaking after the explosion that took the room on the 3rd floor of the hospital and Buck had to take over reporting to dispatch.

In my opinion we have a lot of s1 parallels this season, so we may get a parallel to Buck in S1 after he lost a victim on the rollercoaster and didn't want to pull the maneuver, until Bobby sent him up so he can get his confidence back.

So even if Buck is back at work, performance anxiety is still a real thing.

It is possible, of course, that it may just revolve around strangers' calls like that non-existent Halloween episode from s5, or it may have something to do with Eddie (maybe) dating again, it can be a lot of things, but Buck is the more plausible one. We'll see 😊

As for the cake thing, Buck got back to a cold firehouse after the lawsuit, so I'm kind of hoping he will finally get the celebration he deserves. 🙏✨️🙏

#911 ask #deluweil answers #evan buckley #eddie diaz #118 firefam #911 speculation #911 spoilers #parallels to s1?#we got a lot of them this season #911 fox #911 on fox

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forever-rogue · 3 years ago

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HI LOVE, PLS FOR THE AUTUMN PROMPTS #12 WITH BUCKY I’M WHEEZING

AN | This is one of my favorite prompts! You know I love Spooky Szn more than anything!

Warnings | mentions of dying (as a joke); reference to ptsd (in passing); use of pet name (bunny)

Prompt Used | “I paid $50.00 for this haunted house. I better die.”

Masterlist | Bucky, Main

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"I can't believe you managed to convince me to do this," Bucky's face was pulled into a dismissal expression as you beamed at him. You tugged on his arm with excitement as the line moved forward, throwing him a smile almost as sweet as the Halloween candy that had been everywhere for the last two months. He looked over at you, and opened his mouth to say something but stopped to lean down to give you a kiss first, "all I'm saying is that for all the hype this place gets it should be good."

"It will be," you insisted excitedly, "and ugh...it's basically a premium haunted house so...its a little bit more than the average haunted house."

"Premium haunted house?" he raised an eyebrow in surprise as you took his hand and laced your fingers together, "what do you mean?"

"Well, ugh, this is supposed to be really creepy and realistic and actually scare you," you explained sweetly, hoping he wouldn't flip out too much when you revealed how much this place was going to cost, "so you know the saying, you get what you pay for…"

"Oh no," he appeared worried for a moment before being unable to conceal the grin on his face, "alright, out with it. What are you hiding, little bunny?"

"Well, this is the hip, cool haunted house and-"

"How much is it?" you gave him a little smile as he just huffed in bemused exasperation.

"Fifty dollars…"

"Fifty dollars-"

"Each."

"Fifty dollars each?!" for a moment his expression grew worried as you just give him a nervous smile, "you know, back when I was young-"

"I know, I know," you pulled him forward with you, "you walked twenty miles to and from school in old shoes, and you worked for a dollar a week. Well times are different and these days we're paying for premium haunted houses. Besides, I asked you on this date, so it's technically my treat. Just relax and have fun!"

"Fine," he agreed, "you're an odd one, little bunny. But I still love you."

"And just how am I odd?"

"Who enjoys paying money to get scared?"

"A lot of people apparently since haunted houses are a huge commodity!" you huffed and lightly stomped your foot as if to prove your point, "I promise it'll be fun! And if for some reason you're still Mr. Grumpy Boots afterwards, we'll do whatever you want."

"Fine," Bucky was never one to turn down a challenge, "for someone that gets frightened by her own shadow, you sure do love Halloween a lot."

"Halloween is everything baby," your eyes practically lit up at the mention of your favorite holiday, "you know it's the best time of year for so many reasons! Foods, the aesthetic, fall - all of it. You can't out argue me on this one!"

"I'm not even going to try and bother," you were nearing the ticket booth and growing more and more excited by the second. Bucky could practically feel your excitement radiating onto him as you clutched his hand tightly, "I'm glad you're happy. That's all that matters."

"I am happy. You make me so happy," you promised and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, "I love you, James. Hey - are you okay with this? Like really, if you don't want to, we can figure something else out."

"I'm okay," he promised, offering you a small smile, "really. I love you too. Now, let's go and get scared."

"Yay! Oh Bucky, you're the best! I love you so much," you almost jumped into his arms when he so easily acquiesced to your request. When it came down to it, you knew he would do just anything for you, "if this totally sucks, you know I'll try and make it up to you."

"All I'm saying is that I'm going to pay Fifty-five dollars for this haunted house. I better die," he looked at you with such a straight face, for a moment you couldn't tell if he was joking or serious; but you both quickly burst into laughter, "come on!"

“Alright - but don’t get mad when your wish comes true and you die!”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“That wasn’t too bad at all,” you shrugged as you walked out of the haunted house, into the now chilly autumn evening. You stopped for a moment to admire the stars before noticing that Bucky was slowly trailing behind you, no longer at your side. You snorted lightly before crossing your arms over your chest and raising an eyebrow at him, “what? James...did you…did that actually scare you?”

“What?! No,” he insisted with a dramatic scoff as a grin stretched across your features, “that was child’s play at best. The costumes weren’t even that convincing. But I hope you had fun, baby.”

“I did,” you held out your hands towards him, still not convinced that he was telling the truth, “why don’t we-”

“BOO!” the voice behind Bucky was enough to make him jump out of his skin as he yelped and practically sprinted over to you. You almost doubled over in laughter as Bucky shoved you in front of him as a human shield, “you jumped! Actually jumped!”

“Sam!” Bucky groaned at the sight of his best friend wiping tears of laughter from his eyes as he walked over to you, his girlfriend Leila at his side, and shaking her head at his childishness. You exchanged a look with her and rolled your eyes at your silly boyfriends, “you’re an asshole.”

“Had to capitalize on the moment,” Sam laughed as Bucky sighed, “man, I can’t believe you didn’t realize we were behind you. What happened to the White Panther - too busy being scared?”

“I was...I was not scared!”

“You were too!”

“Boys,” you quickly interrupted the two of them, “why don’t both of you shut up and we can all go out and get dinner? Then the two of you can be idiots and argue and I can actually spend time with someone with a brain.”

“Hey!” they echoed in unison as you linked arms with Leila and the two of you skipped away to your cars. They would catch up soon enough.

“Love you!”

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Marvel Taglist (add yourself to a taglist here!)(strike-through means I couldn’t tag you - please check your settings!)

@qhbr2013 @greeneyedblondie44 @april-showers-and-flowers @softboiipascal @im-an-adult-ish @patzammit @niki-xie @xxlovingfandomsxx @startrekkingaroundasgard @welcometothepedroverse @actual-spawn-of-satan @punkerthanpascal @lazybeeches @someday-when-you-leave-me @justgivemethekeys @salome-c @rosiefridayrogersunday @neptunesglow @artsymaddie @haildoodles @amneris21 @star017 @irepostthingsiwanttoseelater @its–fandom–darling @ayamenimthiriel @alyispunk @djarinbarnes @edencherries @ashamed23 @sunsetskywalkerr @nikkixostan @spookispunk @cable-kenobi @ironicfoxes @cc13723things @gooddaykate @natthebattygeologist @sociallyantisocialbutterfly @n3ssm0nique @daughterofthenight117 @riddikulus-obsessions @imaginelover88 @saint-bvcky @sleep-tight1 @missstef23 @moonlacebeam @asylummara @wakandabiitch2 @hoodedbirdie @mysweetlittledesire @reallyloudstarlight @vintagepigeon @froggyy06 @fleurydelacoury @veil-of-time @queenbeean @deedepee @kenzieam @luxeavenger @dobbyjen @bbl32 @frickin-bats @caprisunsister @spacedadmando @bucks-bunny @starlightcrystalline @jensenswinchester @simonedk @keithseabrook27 @cloverrover @jedi-mando @fyeahatised @allforkook @bibliophilewednesday @doozywoozy @drayshadow @hellothankmas @milkxxkookies @ironicfoxes @livstilinski @siriuslyslytherin @leyannrae @randomfavtingswall @bbl32 @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @lharrietg @maresmiley @justreadingficsdontmindme @coffeebooksandfandom @doolemegan @megzdoodle @jedi-mando @till-my-feet-are-wet @irepostthingsiwanttoseelater @mysweetlittledesire @general-latino @afraid-to-be-me @voteforpedro09 @golden-hoax @themarvelbunch @cosmoschick @recklessworry @baconmuffins1216 @moonluasstuff @thatnerdwriter @rosie-posie08 @adhdbaybee @beautifulrose0809 @daydreaming-lightly @kirsteng42

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky x reader #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #marvel #anyways its officially spooky szn

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koqabear · 2 years ago

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i finished it a while ago and was excited about talking abt it with u but my wifi went out all of a sudden LMAO buttttttt anyways, it came back like super late and now im writing this at like midnight. i have so much to say but so little at the same time bcs im literally just shocked. like pure shock. that was SUCH a rollercoaster??? and since you're tagging these asks as spoilers,, im gonna say it. i did NOT expect oc to kill yeonjun. like it was in the back of my head like "maybe..." bcs it kept on being mentioned about how the jacket was heavy but i dismissed it UGH i should've seen that coming.

and beomgyu literally abt to kill oc, with no sign of hesitation (chills)? APPLAUSE. i've read so many yandere fics and so much romanticize that sickness .. then characterize it as dark romance. ofcourse i get that has its own fans but i do appreciate ones that are more on the realistic side with these psychos (ik this more of a psychological thriller too so ig it was a given for that to be the direction, but still THANK YOU). like hes insane enough and therefore hes capable of killing oc bcs he doesnt see her as a human being at all. so again, I really appreciate that aspect </3

then yeonjun. yeonjun and his fake moral compass. he was trying so hard to hold onto that humanity that he thought he had, and he kept on believing he was superior to others (especially beomgyu in the fic) and it was just...conveyed so well? that final breakthrough at the end when oc tells him hes no better than gyu, and he just...breaks? like he's telling himself hes not, while also trying to kill oc...just like gyu. The ascends to madness was so properly conveyed in that last scene, even though its been implied throughout the whole story that he basically has some sort of inner conflict and lost his moral compass wayyyy earlier. the last part really hit it in the nail, which is just so right for an ending scene.

the last part i want to touch on was the way you utilized oc's pov in the stalker part of the story. its the way i knew beomgyu and yeonjun were the ones literally hiding cameras in her room and have sick fantasies of wanting to own her, yet even with that background knowledge i still suspected soobin. and i still trusted beomjun. MAYBE IT WAS JUST ME??? but idk bro, i was so mad at myself when i pieced everything together the same time oc did. i seriously need to watch out, being gullible will be the death of me T-T but even me being super gullible aside, i think your writing is what really made me doubt soobin the way oc did.. i for sure thought we had another yandere on the loose LMAO.

okay now last last part I PROMISSEEE. i just really like the way you wrote how yeonjun/beomgyu broke her down then used her vulnerability to their advantage. its so sick but its such an easy trap to fall into. like obviously this is fiction and therefore it might be more on the extreme side but the tactics they used are just found literally in everyday abusive relationships and i especially liked how you touched upon the fact that extreme dependency can truly be the downfall of someone. and vulnerability, vulnerability was such a big part of the story!!

so, just last comment towards you. i know you worked hard on it and i wrote this entire essay basically to just emphasize that it paid off. i'm 100% sure you're proud of the work and i truly want you to be PROUDER. this was really, really, really good. i sat down, and read through the entire thing without feeling bored, always on the edge of my seat, enjoying your professional but almost casual way of using words (its literally genius the way you write), and truly this was such a perfect halloween post. thank you for writing, seriously. i honestly wish youd get a few bucks out of this (and im more than willing to give a couple IM BEING FRL) </3

one question since this is basically not an actual ask and me just ranting about how much i love your work: do you think you'll pursue writing professionally? have you thought about it? have you taken classes ? i wanna knowwwww

I’ll address a lot of specific points below, thank you so much! <3

(killing off Yeonjun) -It’s sick, but killing yj off was my favorite part! I knew immediately that this story would be dark, and what better way to end off such an intense scene than giving yj what he deserves? I really hope I was able to catch you guys off guard with that, but I made sure to subtly lead up to it with the jacket thing!! (Beomgyu + thoughts on the term “yandere”)

-THANK YOU! Lemme just say, thriller holds such a special place in my heart, and making Beomgyu a fucked up character just allowed me to sneak in that action packed scene at the end haha

I was afraid of writing this story initially— the term “yandere” has taken on many different connotations and meanings, some more romanticized than others. My intent was never to paint such a relationship in a happy or cute light— even if they did have their little honeymoon stage where all was “right”, it’s still a toxic and horrible relationship; it’s always bound to fall apart in the end. Plus, Beomgyu and Yeonjun just became so insatiable that simply having her there was never enough— they needed to control her too.

(Yeonjun + what if mc didn’t put on bg’s jacket?)

-Yeonjun was able to get away with being the better of the two throughout the whole story— so to hear that he wasn’t above everyone else like he so desperately believed, and from the mc no less— it felt like all his efforts were tumbling down, that no matter how hard he tried, it would never be good enough— which was a struggle he had to deal with all his life— it just completely broke the last bit of rationality that he had within him.

Had the mc not put on bg’s jacket, Yeonjun would’ve killed her, then killed himself shortly after—they would only be discovered weeks later after their families reported them missing, a gruesome scene that would’ve destroyed all their relatives; Soobin’s body would’ve been found soon after, judging by the fact that the evidence is still in the cabin and intact.

(Soobin the decoy lmao)

-God I feel so proud that I was able to fool some people at least! Soobin’s persisting affection was a key to making it all convincing— those passing comments, all the coddling and endless attempts to woo her, beomjun saw that and used it to their benefit.

(Use of vulnerability)

-From the start, the mc was already a pretty vulnerable character; she was already away from home with no one else but Yeonjun— which only made her lean into him more and trust him. And because Beomgyu was quick to pick up on that, he knew that the only way to get her more dependent on them was to make her more vulnerable, with her last resort being them; of course, it’s a very drastic depiction, but thank you for noticing <333

(Plans for the future!)

-Thank you so so much :(((( this really means a lot to me, you have no idea.

I have indeed decided to pursue writing professionally! It’s kind of scary to say, (write) but I hope to be able to succeed and publish books one day <3 it’s ambitious, but you never know!

Thank you sooo so much for this review, thank you for taking your time to write this, you have no idea how much this means to me— seriously, I couldn’t stop rereading all of the reviews i received <3

#OYD: !spoilers!#The way you picked up on details #and described the characters #I could fall in love with you #koqabear asks #fic: only you darling.#[♡]— feedback !

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nancypullen · 2 years ago

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Halloween Eve!

Oh BOY!! I’ve been ready for this Halloween since last Halloween. I’ve been buzzing around today like a kid on Christmas Eve. I’ve made goodie bags for trick-or-treaters, trying to announce that there’s a new Queen of Halloween in town. They’re really just little goodie bags - each one has a ring pop, a KitKat, a Reese, a pair of vampire fangs, and a little slinky toy. They’ll be piled in a basket on the porch with a sign that says, “Please take ONE, the witch is watching.” Hopefully that’ll keep the little hooligans from dumping and running. We’ll be over in Edgewater so the Ring doorbell will tell the tale. I’ll be escorting my favorite four year old around as she fills a bag with treats. She’s at a magical age for Halloween and is very excited. Interestingly enough, although she owns every princess dress known to mankind, has a wardrobe of tiaras and scepters, always opts for the most feminine and glittery choice, and was given the freedom to pick any costume, she has decided to be...an owl. She looks adorable in her owl suit and is really thrilled with it, and that is what this holiday is all about - throwing off the norm, stepping out of yourself for a night of pure FUN. I’m down for that! I will, however, be sticking to my tried and true Granny Witch persona. Let’s be honest, that’s not really a costume for me. I did make a new hat though! I purchased a wool witch hat from Amazon for ten bucks.

Then I raided the floral clearance section at Michael’s and just threw it all on.

It’s a little over the top, but I kept adding stuff to hide my mistakes. But hey, if Halloween isn’t the time for excess I don’t know when is. I made that hat a couple of weeks ago. Yesterday I got a last minute idea and cut out (with the Cricut) some iron-on glitter letters and a magic broom and made a sweatshirt. It’ll be first out of the closet next Halloween season. I won’t wear it tomorrow.

Do I seem excited? I AM. I’d actually planned to write a blog post about how much we enjoyed the few days that we spent on Chincoteague Island. We just got back and I have so much to share and so many photos to post...but I can’t think of anything but HALLOWEEN.

I’m absolutely tickled that I get to participate in the gathering of treats with our little miss. This is the stuff that brought us to Maryland, if we were still in Tennessee we’d get some photos tomorrow and hear about the fun. Now we’re part of the fun. I love it. We’ll probably be home late (we’re old, that means 9 o’clock) tomorrow, so I won’t post again until November 1st. Can you believe that November is waiting just around the corner? I’m less ready for Christmas than I’ve ever been. I’ve purchased three gifts. That’s it. It’s going to be a very busy few weeks for me. Yikes. All the more reason to just have fun tomorrow, right? I’m ready! I hope you are too and that your Halloween is the best one you’ve ever had - treats, giggles, maybe even a scare or two! Happy Halloween! Stay safe, stay well, stay spooky!

Nancy

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yurtletheturtlehenderson · 4 years ago

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COSMIC - S3:E4; Chapter Four, The Sauna Test - [Pt. 3]

A Will Byers x Reader Series

𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘌𝘭, 𝘔𝘢𝘹 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘠/𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘍𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘙𝘰𝘣𝘪𝘯, 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘋𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘓𝘺𝘯𝘹.

📝: ERICAAA!!! FRICKIN FINALLY!! Less important note, but when writing about Y/n, El and Max, I wrote "the three friends" and autocorrect literally changed "friends" to "fruits". Yelmax confirmed 💀

||𝟑𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

"It is fascinating what twenty bucks will get you at the County Recorder's Office," Robin reports, unfurling what looked to be a familiar layout on the break room table. "Starcourt Mall. The complete blueprints."

"Not bad," Dustin smirks from her left.

"So this is us," she points to a familiar-looking room before gesturing across the map. "Scoops, and this is where we wanna get."

"Yeah, I don't really see a way in," Steve mumbles from his seat at the table.

"There's not. If,"

She rips away a layer of the blueprint, revealing a vastly complicated map of air ducts, pipelines, and detailing that made up Starcourt.

"you're talking exclusively about doors."

Dustin looks at her with excitement growing in his eyes. "Air ducts!"

"Exactly," she smirks, making her way to the whiteboard to retrieve the magic marker. "Turns out, this secret room needs air just like any old room and these air ducts lead all the way" she circles the secret room in question, drawing one, interrupted line right back to, "here."

Dustin and Steve finally tear their eyes away from the map and follow Robin's mischievous eye. All the way to the air duct tucked away in the far corner of the Scoops Ahoy break room.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

To their surprise, a screwdriver had been harder to find than a ladder but soon enough Steve had managed to reach the air vent and unscrew it from the wall. But as he stood here now, peering down into the vent he quickly realized they were now facing yet another obstacle.

"Flath'ligh'?" Steve asked, finally removing the screwdriver from his mouth and shaping it for the small torchlight Dustin had waiting. "Thank you,"

The flashlight turns on with a tiny click and a soft yellow light bounces down the narrow metal tunnel, enunciation the frown on Steve's face.

"Yeah, I don't know man, I don't know if you can fit in here, it's like... super tight."

"I'll fit," Dustin smirks. "Trust me. No collarbones, remember?"

"Uh, excuse me?" Robin asks.

Steve jumps down from the ladder, turning to Robin as Dustin begins the climb and gives her a nod.

"Oh, he's uh, he's got so disease," he frowns thoughtfully, racking his brain as he tries to recall the word. "It's chrydo... um... something, yeah I don't know. He's missing bones and stuff, he can bend like Gumbo."

"You mean... Gumby?"

"I'm pretty sure it's Gumbo," he snorts.

"Just shut up and push me!" Comes Dustin's muffled voice from the vents.

By now he had wormed himself halfway in, his bottom half sticking out of the wall and still propped up on the latter while they had been talking.

"Okay," Steve huffed, motioning knowingly to the kid's feet and turned away from Robin.

She watched with a tired, lazily bemused expression as Steve grabbed a less than sturdy hold of the kid's feet and attempted to push.

"Not my feet, dumbass, push my ass!"

"Uh, what?"

"TOUCH MY BUTT! I DON'T CARE!" Came Dustin's impatient scream from the walls.

With a heavy grimace, Steve hesitantly began pushing against Dustin's rear end and his muffled anger grew louder.

"I'm pushing!" Steve argued.

"PUSH HARDER!" Dustin shrieks as he attempts to inch further into the metal vents. "You're playing with my legs!"

"I'm not playing, I have terrible footing!"

"Come on!"

Steve finally makes it to the top of the latter, Dustin's legs bunched together over his shoulders and locked under his arm as their voice continued to shout over one another.

"I'm gonna just shove you, ready?"

"Just shove me?"

"One, two..."

"Shit!"

"That work?"

"One more time,"

Robin rolls her eyes, finally turning away when she hears the sudden rapid chimes of the customer bell out front and all too familiar patron.

"Ahoy, sailors! All hands on deck!"

Through the partition window, Robin meets eyes with none other than Erica Sinclair who flashes her an exaggerated salute and rings the bell knowingly.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Laughter and joyful screams filled the chlorine-soaked air, the smell of the pool lingering with sunblock was strong enough it wafted all the way to the parking lot where the majority of the Party now stood at the Hawkins pool. It looked quite different than it had the day before when Y/n, Max, and El had last been, but the tension weighing down the atmosphere seemed just as heavy and ever-present.

The storm had of course long since lifted, and the sun was now beating down heavily on their backs as they took shelter behind a Rust Red AMC Hornet, all eyes across the lot on the occupant in the lifeguard chair.

Billy.

He was squished underneath the bright red beach umbrella, hidden underneath a baseball cap, thick shades, a long-sleeved sweater, and a white beach towel draped over his legs where they poked out into the sun. He was completely covered.

"I don't know," Max begins, peering through the group's binoculars. "He looks pretty normal to me,"

"Normal?" Lucas scoffs. "How many times have you seen him with a shirt on?"

Y/n smiles weakly from where she stands in between him and Will. Max lowers the binoculars, conceding a wince.

"I mean, it's a little weird,"

"More than a little," Mike nods. "He was in a tub with ice. The Mind Flayer likes it cold. Plus everything El saw—"

"But he's lounging at the pool," Max argues, doubtfully. "Which is like, the least Mind Flayer thing ever,"

"Not necessarily," Will says, pulling everyone's attention. "The Mind Flayer likes to hide. He only used me when he needed me. It's like... like you're dormant. And then, when he needs you,"

All eyes return to Billy.

"...you're activated."

Y/n gulps, shifting on her feet from where she had previously stood rooted to the spot. Ever since that dreaded Halloween night the previous year, nothing seemed to have been the same. The Mind Flayer had set his sights on Will, and in turn, her. Slowly but surely, he had infected all of their lives as he had the town of Hawkins; spreading his rot and poison, and his hate. She could still feel it sometimes; the pain of Will's nails raking into her face and leaving behind the faded scar that had already long since disappeared.

Her eyes dart back through the fence at the suspicious-looking lifeguard and her insides twisted further into a sickening knot. The thought of the Mind Flayer's possible return was enough to drain the color from her face and leave a chill in the humid, sticky summer air. Her mind was running rapid with fear but the sound of Max's voice was enough to return her to earth.

"Okay, so we just..." she shrugs, looking back over towards her brother. "wait until he gets activated."

"No," Mike says with the shake of his head. "What if he hurts someone?"

"Or kills someone?" Will counters, and the Wheeler boy nods.

"We can't take that chance. We need to find out if he's the host,"

"Well, how do we do that?" Lucas asks.

The Party falls silent. The weight of the air growing heavier and heavier as it dawns on them. And one by one, each pair of eyes trickle over to the only present Henderson sibling in the Party. Her head is hung, propped-up against the hood and when she senses the eyes on her she straightens, breathing a sigh. But Will was already shaking his head.

"What? No, no way," he says to Mike and the others, Y/n already turning to him. "No, Y/n, I don't think it's a good idea,"

"I don't like it either," Y/n fretted. "but it's our best chance. The Mind Flayer hates me, and I can push his limits. It's the fastest way."

"And if, by some random chance, Billy isn't the host?" Will countered gently. "He'd find out about you,"

Y/n didn't have a reply for that. Truthfully, she didn't know whether to be relieved or angered he had cornered her. She just stood there, frowning at the concrete sidewalk biting her lip thoughtfully. She tried to think of a way to use her abilities subtly, but all her experience with heat came from seismic blasts or concentrated bursts from her hands. If she attempted that on Billy, he would surely know it.

"There's gotta be another way," Mike cuts in. "I mean, a safe way that doesn't risk you getting hurt or discovered."

Y/n and Will - even El - shoot him a funny look and he shifts under the sudden attention, guiltily.

"What about the sauna?" Lucas says, lighting up.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it's perfect!" He grins, stepping out from around the car and motioning for Will and Mike. "Come on,"

Seemingly catching onto Lucas's idea, Mike wastes no time in following. And Will hesitantly steps away, sending Y/n and his friends an apologetic shrug.

"Where are you going?" El called after them, exasperated.

"Sorry! Boys only!" Mike throws over his shoulder.

Max scowls after them. "Seriously?!"

"Just trust us!" Lucas cries.

"We'll be back," Will shrugs again. "... I guess."

The three friends sigh, throwing less than impressed looks at the retreating boys. Privately, Y/n wondered if Mike stood any chance of harm just from her glaring at him in this moment. She hadn't shared these feelings with anyone, but since reuniting with Will something had been troubled Ling him and he wouldn't say what. She could spot it right away, the shift in demeanor but she knew it was something different from the return of the Mind Flayer somehow. And she believed it had something to do with Mike.

He was acting differently around him. He had been for some time now, as she had with Max and even El but this was different. Something had happened, and because Will was, well, Will, he was clearly trying to put aside for the sake of everyone's safety. Y/n couldn't really blame him there, but she wished he would open up to her. Tell her what was wrong.

And she wished more than anything she could fix whatever Mike had clearly broken.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

"All we gotta do is wait until the pool closes and everyone leaves," Lucas begins, guiding his friends through the first layer of the men's locker rooms. "And then get him from here..."

He steps forward, quickly ripping open the secondary door. The three boys scurry inside, and Lucas's friends quickly seem to catch on to his plan and a small smile grows on Will's face.

"And get him into here," Lucas eagerly rips open the sauna door, expecting to see nothing but steam but his luck had run out.

Five sweaty adult men in towels sat packed in the sauna like sardines, scowls on their faces for the three party members who interrupted their steam. "Hey! Shut the door!"

-"Come on, kid!"

-"Shut it!"

Lucas finally broke from his stupor and slammed the door shut, shuddering.

"I think I just threw up in my mouth,"

Will nodded with a grimace, but shook it off when his eyes landed on the wall beside the door.

"The controls!"

Mike's still bulging, haunted eyes finally broke away from their zoning out and jumped to the wall where Will was pointing. His face lit up.

"We can control from the outside, it's perfect!"

"Do you think it'll get hot enough?" Will asks, feeling more and more relieved by the second. "Like, "Y/n" hot?"

His friends immediately stopped, looking to him with a deadpan expression. Will scoffed at them. "You know what I mean" he snarked, not in the mood though he was trying to ignore the hint of a blush creeping up on his skin.

"Nevermind that," Lucas says. "Look right, here, 220 degrees. That's definitely enough."

"Okay, so we just need to figure out how to get him into here," Will nods towards the sauna door.

"Precisely."

"Then we lock him in," Mike says.

Lucas nods. "-heat him up,"

And Will manages another somewhat relieved smile. "-and no matter what happens, we'll know for sure."

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Erica descends from the latter, the flashlight in her hands flicking off with a loud click as she strides up to the break room table where her recruits stood waiting. The group had taken a calculated risk I confiding in the young girl, but she was smart and demanded the information and why they needed to know if she could fit into the air duct in the back room. So here they stood, waiting with anxious breath for her verdict.

"Yeah, I don't know," she says, propping herself up on the edge of the table rather unimpressed.

"You don't know if you can fit?" Dustin asks.

"Oh, I can fit. I just don't know if I want to,"

"Are you claustrophobic?" Robin tries.

Amused, Erica gives the young woman a pitiful laugh. "I don't have phobias."

"Okay, well," Steve begins with a shrug. "What's the problem?"

"The problem is I still haven't heard what's in this for Erica,"

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Steve slides another banana boat ice cream float across the table, joining the already plentiful dairy banquet laid out for the Sinclair girl. She merely gave it a single, disinterested glance and slid it back.

"More fudge please,"

Nobody said anything. And Steve just stared back at the table with tired, glazed-over eyes before Erica sent him a dismissive wave.

"Go on,"

He gave a sigh, and left the booth with the Banana boat in hand, and retreated to the counter. Robin took that as her cue and pulled out the marked-up blueprints she had at her side.

"Alright, you see this?" She points from the circle marked Scoops Ahoy and trail connecting over the flipped map. "This is the route you're gonna take. Then we just wait until the last delivery goes out tonight then you knock out the grate. Jump down. Open the door."

"Then you find out what's in those boxes?" She asks.

"Exactly,"

"And you say this guard is armed?"

"Yes," Dustin quickly nods. "But he won't be there,"

"And booby traps?"

"Booby traps?" Robin echoed.

"Lazers, spikes in the wall,"

Robin couldn't help but give a small laugh, but Erica was all too serious. She turned to the two with a serious look.

"You know what this half-baked plan of yours sounds like to me? Child endangerment."

"We'll be in radio contact with you the whole time-"

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" Erica stops her. "Child. Endangerment."

Robin sighs, ignoring the knot wanting to twist in her stomach. She knew she was right, and Robin supposed she just didn't want to admit to herself what they were asking not only of themselves but the young girl.

"Erica?" Dustin began. "Hi, uh... We think these Russians want to do harm to our country. Great harm. Don't you love your country?"

"You can't spell America without Erica," she shrugs, taking a long and loud sip from her complimentary Scoops Shake.

Dustin just blinks at her response and concedes with a nod. "Uh... yeah. Oddly, that's uh... weirdly true, so... so! Don't do this for us! Do it for your country. Do it for your fellow man. Do this for America, Erica."

Erica, who had been slurping her drink through her straw throughout his entire speech, finally finished it off and shivered, sending him a smirk. "Ooh! I just got the chills."

Dustin smiled proudly.

"Oh, yeah," she quickly corrects, her smile falling. "From this float. Not your speech."

His smile falls right off his face.

"You know what I love most about this country?" Erica began. "Capitalism. Do you know what capitalism is?"

Both Robin and Dustin mumble a 'yeah'.

"It means this is a free market system, which means people get paid for their services depending on how valuable their contributions are. And this seems to me that my ability to fit into that little vent is very, very valuable to you all. So-"

Robin and Dustin share a worried look.

"-you want my help? This U.S.S. Butterscotch better be the first of many. And I'm talking free ice cream for life,"

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thrillridesz · 4 years ago

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black magic ▫ sangyeon

➳ pairing: best friend!sangyeon x fem!reader ➳ genre: fluff, magic!au ➳ warnings/rating: PG ➳ word count: 2.7k ➳ requested?: no

a/n: this is written as a birthday special for tbz’s best leader sangyeon! happy sangyeon day everyone ^^ this story is also inspired by little mix’s ‘black magic’. This is unedited as of now and I finished this real quick so I’m sorry if it isn’t up to standard!

“Thanks for the surprise, I really appreciated it.”

The night was young as the luminous moon hung high in the dark sky, casting a soft, white glow on the earth below. A cool, night breeze whipped gently against your cheeks while you strolled the quiet streets with Sangyeon, a tranquil silence in the air safe for the soft scraping sounds of the fallen autumn leaves against the gravel ground as it got caught in the wind. Wrapped up tightly in your coat, you felt a sense of warmth spread across your chest, a warmth more cosy than anything else.

“It’s no problem! It’s your birthday, it had to be perfect.” You replied, shooting him a bright smile as you stuffed your hands into your coat pockets.

Sangyeon grinned, his eyes crinkling into crescents.

“It was, don’t worry. Not gonna lie though, I didn’t think it was Eric in that bear costume even for a second. You guys really scared me right there.”

Your laugh rang through the night as his smile grew wider.

“Well, it was a pretty impromptu idea! It was literally on sale for like 10 bucks, we just had to get it,” you threw your hands up in defense as Sangyeon chuckled softly, his breath coming out in white puffs from the cold.

“Always on the hunt for good deals, y/n. Always.”

“Of course! Though since you’re my best friend, I’m usually willing to pay just a little bit more.” You replied thoughtfully, tapping your chin as if deep in thought.

The two of you have been friends ever since you could walk. For the longest time, it was just the two of you against the rest of the world. When you got bullied by the other kids in the courtyard in second grade, it had been Sangyeon who stuck by you and defended you from them even if it meant he was to take some of the punches in your place. Likewise when Sangyeon had been dangerously close to repeating a year in eleventh grade, you had persisted in staying by his side to make sure he studied and understood everything the teachers’ had to teach. All through middle school and high school, the both of you have been thick as thieves. Whatever you did, he did as well and whatever he did, you did too. Things like spending Halloween and coordinating outfits, going to school and studying for exams… The two of you were each others’ constants and if anyone was to ever look up the term ‘best friends’ in the dictionary, they would no doubt find both your names in there.

What sort of ‘best friend’ would you be not to at least fork out a few extra dollars for the sake of an amazing birthday for the one and only Lee Sangyeon?

You didn’t notice the slight frown that crossed Sangyeon’s face which he quickly replaced with a soft smile but the look in his eyes were hardened and detached.

“Right.”

“Wait, what’s that?”

You stopped dead in your track, squinting as you pointed into a distance. Before Sangyeon could reply, you grabbed onto his hand, pulling him behind you while you made your way over. The colour in his cheeks darkened as he scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly, peering at you shyly. You were too engrossed in staring at the display in front of you to notice him, your nose practically touching the glass panel.

“Black Occult?” You mumbled under your breath, your eyebrows furrowing together.

“What’s going on?”

You turned to Sangyeon, a look of confusion etched in your face.

“You don’t find this weird?”

“What about it?”

“This was never here.”

At that, Sangyeon narrowed his eyes as he surveyed the store’s exterior. Wrinkling his nose, you saw the belated realisation dawn upon him.

“Oh, right. Didn’t this used to be an arcade?”

You rolled your eyes.

“You’re so dense sometimes, it’s unbelievable.”

“Can I help you guys?”

The two of you whipped around to see a certain pink haired boy standing with his arms akimbo at the entrance, staring at the both of you. His eyes were blue, almost unnaturally so, and he was clad in just about the most colourful suit you’ve ever seen anyone don on. It felt like an assault to your sights, with all the neon colours yet somehow there was such a mysterious aura to him. In a way, it felt like there was an almost mystical vibe that you got from him that made you inclined to think that he wasn’t in any way human.

“W-We… Oh, we’re sorry. We didn’t know you were open.” Sangyeon replied and you could hear a slight tremble in his voice. He definitely felt the same.

“Are you guys looking to purchase anything?” The scowl on the boy’s face disappeared as his eyes widened.

“Um…”

“Excellent! Please, come on in. I was wondering why you guys were standing outside acting all weird but I didn’t realise you guys wanted to come in. It’s this goddamn black glass, isn’t it? I’ve told Haknyeon so many times we should change it. Makes it so hard to look in, I swear.” He rambled on, holding the door open with a wide grin on his face.

“Come on in! Feel free to look around. If you need anything, I’ll be here. Just call my name, Chanhee.”

You and Sangyeon exchanged a look as if hesitating to enter but one look at Chanhee’s enthusiastic expression prompted you to see foot into the store. Seeing that you were going in, Sangyeon shrugged as he followed suit.

The moment you entered the store, the overwhelming scent of lilies and peaches hit you with a pang while the dim lighting made it difficult to navigate even within the store. Yet once your eyes adjusted to the dimness in the room, you couldn’t help but marvel at the oddities that surrounded you.

On the wooden shelves attached to the wall, were rows and rows of oddly coloured liquid, too bright or too unnaturally coloured to have come from a source of nature. Several sprigs of unknown herbs hung on the walls, tied into bundles by string while on another side, candles of all shapes, sizes and scents lined the table. Well-polished crystals were arranged meticulously on an old mahogany coffee table near the counter and a particularly interesting looking bird flitted around in a wrought Victorian-style iron birdcage. It was small with a white beak and purple and yellow feathers with its wings flapping so fast, you could barely see it moving. You have never seen a bird like that before and although you started towards it, something else caught your eye entirely.

Picking up a small bottle, you inspected the glowing golden liquid in it, Tilting it in your hand, the viscosity of the mixture and the velvety look it had was almost mesmerising to stare at. As you turned it over, you leaned in to read the faded label on it.

“Love potion.” You said aloud, causing Sangyeon who had been looking at a bunch of tarot cards to look up at you.

“Ah, yes! One of our bestsellers that is!” Chanhee exclaimed, his eyes shining with joy and excitement. “Guaranteed to work! It’s only 15 dollars.”

“Why would you need anything like that?” Sangyeon scoffed, folding his arms across his chest as his biceps bulged ever so slightly.

“You never know… I just thought it looked pretty.”

Somehow, you couldn’t stop staring at it. It was as if it was whispering your name to ‘just buy it’. Then again, it could really just be the impulsive shopper in you but there was something so alluring and magnetic about it that you just felt like you had to have it in your possession. It was like letting a child go lose in a candy shop and finally seeing that one lollipop with the most beautiful swirls and crazy colours that just screamed flavour. You didn’t exactly care even if it wasn’t an actual potion, it just looked so aesthetic that you had to buy it.

“I’ll have it!”

Sangyeon looked at you as if you had just sprouted horns on your head as you handed over a dollar bill over to Chanhee who accepted it readily.

“Surely, you don’t actually believe that it’s a love potion.” He blurted out much to the disgruntlement of Chanhee who shot a deathly glare at him.

“It is! It’s been tried and tested. It works, okay?” He said with an air of haughtiness which Sangyeon grumbled at and instantly, Chanhee knew. He should have known earlier in all honesty, from the way he had seen the man stare at you. A slow smile began to spread across his face.

Interesting.

As Chanhee watched the two of you leave the store with Sangyeon still rambling on about how you ‘just wasted 15 bucks for nothing’, he leaned into his chair contentedly. With a snap of his fingers, a cosy glass of grape wine materialised in his hands and with a sip, he sighed.

“Darling didn’t even need a love potion.”

“I can’t believe you actually bought it.” Sangyeon said, his voice still carrying a tone of disbelief.

“Look at it though, isn’t it pretty? I mean even if it isn’t actually a love potion, it’s nice to look at.” You said, still looking at the glowing liquid in the tiny bottle. Slotting in the key and entering the shared apartment the two of you shared with Younghoon, a childhood friend to the both of you and Hyunjae, a mutual friend from university. Since Younghoon was away in Spain with his girlfriend, Bea, it was really only Hyunjae in the house who you found clad in a dinosaur onesie as he lounged in front of the television with a big bowl of buttered popcorn in his lap.

“Oh, you guys are back. I was wondering where you guys went after the party.”

“We were… A little caught up.” Sangyeon said slowly, casting you a knowing glance which you avoided.

“Figures. You guys left earlier than I did.”

“Because you were busy fraternising with anyone you can possibly bring home, which I can see you’ve failed.” You joked and Hyunjae tossed a pillow at you, with a scowl on his face.

“Ugh, get out of my way.”

You laughed out loud as you set the bottle on the kitchen tabletop, causing him to turn to look. When he did, his eyes widened almost comically large as he leapt to his feet.

“What’s that?” He shuffled over quickly with a look of awe.

“Some stupid love potion thing,” Sangyeon replied curtly before you could even open your mouth to say anything. You turned to him with a frown at which he merely shrugged off carelessly as he preoccupied himself in rummaging through the refrigerator for a late night snack.

Taking the bottle from you, Hyunjae held it up against the light, his dark eyes shining with overflowing curiosity and doubt. The light reflected off the smooth,clear glass, making the gold liquid inside it look even more luminous and even wispy with the liquid swirling almost in slow motion no matter how you look at it. You have never seen anything like it and judging from Hyunjae’s expression, neither has he.

“Looks interesting.” He declared after a moment of inspection as Sangyeon turned to him in disbelief.

“Not you too. That guy definitely ripped y/n off. Seriously, y/n.” He tsked, sauntering over and snatching the bottle from Hyunjae.

“Doesn’t seem like anything special. A love potion? In this day and age? I don’t buy it for a second.” There was disdain in his eyes as he pursed his lips in disgust. Popping open the bottle, a sweet scent of tangerines and pineapples rapidly permeated the small apartment and maybe it was just you but you thought you felt your heart flutter just a little. A smile made its way onto your lips quite unconsciously and a tiny jolt of electricity shook you in the most delightful way possible.

Could it be…?

You lifted your gaze to see Sangyeon stare at the bottle in his hand with a startled look on his face, his mouth slightly ajar and you knew that he had felt the exact same thing. Though that look of surprise disappeared just as quickly as it came and his expression hardened.

“That’s a lot of artificial flavouring for one bottle.” He clenched his jaw as his grip on the glass bottle tightened and you could see the veins protruding ever so slightly from his forearm.

You narrowed your eyes.

“If you’re just going to whine, then give it back to me. Just don’t look at it.”

As you leaned forward, Sangyeon took a step back.

“Why? Are you going to try giving that to someone?”

Raising an eyebrow, you regarded him with suspicion.

“Sure, why not? There’s a really cute guy in my statistics class, even if it doesn’t work - which I’m pretty sure it doesn’t so don’t worry - it’s still worth a shot.”

You barely noticed the flash of disappointment in Sangyeon’s eyes and how his shoulders sagged ever so slightly as you ripped it from his hands. Yet before you could cap it back, he grabbed it back so hastily that you didn’t even have time to react. Throwing his head back, you and Hyunjae could only watch in shocked silence as you gulped down almost half the bottle.

Wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, he shot Hyunjae a piercing glare as the latter let out a wolf whistle, his eyes filled with mirth and genuine adoration.

“Damn. That was... Ironic.”

You didn't say anything except stare at Sangyeon and a moment passed without anything out of the ordinary happening. There was no burst of sparkles or anything growing out from anyone’s body, nothing crazy at all.

Huh. So maybe it was actually a hoax.

“That should be enough proof,” he said in an ‘I told you so’ tone which you rolled your eyes at. “That's some nice potion though or whatever you wanna call it.”

“Really? Let me have a taste.”

Reaching over, Hyunjae took a sip and hummed merrily.

“Oh dang, this is amazing. It’s like an orange smoothie except a million times better.”

Lifting his head, he turned to look at you and what you saw made you almost stumble back in shock. The colour of his eyes held a faint flash of pink before they returned to normal but when they did, they no longer held the playfulness and casual air that Hyunjae always wore but rather, they were filled with such intense passion and affection. It was like looking into the eyes of someone who was extremely, completely, slap me silly and deeply...

In love.

“Have I ever told you how pretty you look? I know I’ve never said this but... I think I love you,” Hyunjae said in a low, soft voice as he reached out to hold your hands in his.

“I...I...” You spluttered at a complete loss of words, wringing your hands frantically.

At that, Sangyeon swivelled around to stare at the two of you.

He could only watch as Hyunjae lifted his hand to gently brush your hair away from your face as his other hand reached up to cup your face.

“How could I not have notice- Hey!”

Grabbing him by the collar from behind, Hyunjae practically flew back as Sangyeon pulled him away with a disapproving frown on his face. There was a deep frown etched onto his face, his eyes crinkling as he looked at the latter with an almost irritated expression. Though somehow, you could detect a faint hint of fear in his demeanour. In a way, the uneven and volatile energy radiated so strongly off him that it was hard not to see it in any other way.

Was Sangyeon perhaps jealous?

No. It couldn’t be, he was your best friend. Furthermore, how did the potion work on Hyunjae but not Sangyeon? Unless...

You let out a soft gasp as the realisation dawns upon you. It seemed as if Sangyeon may have come to the same realisation almost as soon as you did because he turned to you with such an expression of sheer panic, the sound of his heart pounding so loudly you could hear it.

The potion didn’t work because he was already in love with you.

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