#can I quote this if I'll ever receive my title?

[english-major-in-progress]

These study materials are something else...

[youmakethelight]

Dear AMC

Okay, so here's where I'm at following the David Zabel quotes released yesterday. I truly hate to be in this negative mindset and I wanted my tumblr to be a fun space only, but it's what I'm feeling, so I'm going to get it out. This is the most serious post I'll ever write (hopefully) so buckle up.

I'm not doing this because I don't want to continue to spread joy about caryl. I'm doing this because, if there's any chance, however small, that I can help to make a positive difference for the people I've come to care about, then I'm going to do that. This is because I care about female representation and empowerment. And because I care about what these stories mean to and for people, and especially people who relate to characters who have experienced abuse. Holding these characters' stories is a responsibility and those who do so need to be held accountable for how they do it.

I'm going to talk a lot now, but it's going to mainly be about Melissa, Isabelle's character, David Zabel, Greg Nicotero, and the idea of romantic caryl. I'm going to try to break it up into sections just because it's so long.

Melissa

Melissa McBride snuck up on me. I started watching TWD a couple of years after it first aired and like many, I fell for Daryl as a character. I observed his chemistry with Carol and always thought their relationship was something special. But like many, I gave up on the show around season 6/7. When TWD was released on Now TV in the UK this year, I decided to catch up, and season 9 hooked me on #caryl. Specifically, I was mesmerised by Melissa McBride and I've only grown to love her more. It's been beautiful finding the fandom and realising that Melissa McBride is the beating heart of it. She might not have as many Twitter followers as Norman Reedus, but she is valued more than I have seen any actor and she honestly doesn't even have to try. Fans will support her for walking to a car. I like Norman but I love Melissa.

Melissa looks happier than I have ever seen her look and she is honestly the only thing that has been keeping me tethered to any hope that I will enjoy this spinoff. My hype has been 100% driven by Melissa and how she has spoken about being back. I've already paid for Carol merch, which is something I never do. And if it wasn't for the fact I knew she was coming back at the end of season 1, I honestly wouldn't have watched Daryl Dixon. After investing in their relationship over 12 years of TWD, I'm not interested in seeing Daryl solo travel the globe and find a girl in every port. I'd rather watch something else and pretend the spinoff doesn't exist. But since Melissa is here and she's happy, I've still been hooked.

Seeing Carol confront her trauma surrounding Sophia is something I have been wanting for years. Since I started watching TWD again this year, all you'd ever hear me say is "why does no one ever talk about Sophia?". So I am beyond happy that story is receiving a spotlight in season 2. And I sense this is what Melissa is happy about too.

Beyond that, I really feel like Melissa doesn't have much space for her own voice. At SDCC, she said that she's quiet on her EP notes because she's the new person. And David Zabel made a joke that she doesn't want to make him cry (hilarious). Of course, I have no idea what the reality is, but my gut feeling is that Melissa is happy that she finally had some control with her character's own story after 14 years. But I truly don't believe she has even been given the space to think about how she *personally* would like the caryl story to look, let alone what they choose to do with the other major female character's story. I think Melissa respects Norman and trusts him with that part of the story. She knows he's had more power with the other producers - he was there for all of season 1, it's his name on the title of the show, and he chose the showrunner and writers.

And as for everything else, Melissa has spent the majority of her career in a male-dominated genre, all of her most powerful coworkers are part of that demographic, and in response to caryl, she has been the target of misogyny and ageism that is ongoing today. If I were her, I'd feel I can only speak so loud for so long before someone feels I've stepped on their toes.

While I do believe Norman cares about her deeply, I don't have any reason so far to trust that he understands the nuances of sexism well enough to be able to make the calls I'd want him to make. I really feel that if he did, he would never have agreed to the half naked shipbait nun scene in season 1. On to my next section...

Isabelle, David Zabel and Greg Nicotero

I will die on the hill that Isabelle's story should never have been touched by any inkling of shipbait, because she is a dedicated nun. The idea of romance for her present day story (especially with the male lead) grossly over-simplifies the decisions that led her to become a nun.

I do personally feel that the isabelle-laurent-daryl surrogate family idea is *pretty much* just that. I think, personally, DZ is lying when he says that the idea of romance wasn't manufactured. I think he wants us to believe that what we see on screen is organic. Absolutely nothing about the half naked wound helping scene, the happy stares across rooms with a happy score, and the 'isabelle just woke up in hospital and oh look its daryl's crossbow he must have been looking over her' scene is organic. Those are manufactured. Until episode 6, I liked isabelle and I think clemence is great. But daryl and isabelle's chemistry is non existent. I honestly think calling it a friendship is a stretch. Maybe the god awful, problematic "are you going to do to laurent what your dad did to you" could have been forgiven if they'd genuinely had any compelling bond whatsoever, but they didn't, and at best, it came off as needy. At worst (and what it actually was) was emotionally abusive. The thing I have always loved about caryl is that they *never* guilt-tripped each other like that. I really hope Zabel knows that line was truly offensive.

So anyway, I don't know, I think DZ would have liked it to go romantic, but nobody liked it. And based on the way they talked about it at SDCC, I think Norman is set on the idea it's really all about Laurent, and Isabelle is just another adult who cares about the kid so he cares about her too. However, I do think Nicotero and Zabel are invested in the idea that Daryl is falling for her. Nicotero in particular is obsessed with the idea that Daryl's falling for her while he doesn't know Carol is on her way - I actually find him enjoying that idea repulsive. So, I think they've written some ship bait in there, but I think Norman's acting choices will be reluctant. So, as long as there isn't something physical between them, I think Norman and Melissa's chemistry can recover from it. But. Zabel (and Nicotero) are showing their true colours.

While we're on Nicotero. I recently discovered that he has spoken about supporting b*thyl before. So, if that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about him and his idea of how women and romance should be presented on screen in 2024, I don't know what will.

Romantic Caryl

Finally, I want to address the idea of whether Carol and Daryl should or could add a romantic element to their relationship. Lots of people that I agree with have already written well articulated thoughts about this, including this by my-mt-heart. My personal feelings are these.

Carol and Daryl have built a layered, deep, and emotionally rich relationship over 11 seasons of TWD. Fans are aware of the romantic layers throughout the years, and even those who don't follow it closely can see the romantic potential. It would be a disservice to fans to let those years of layering and emotional depth fall flat. And frankly, so many fans simply won't follow. (And if you're worried about fans who don't like the idea not watching - well, honestly, I don't like R*chonne. Love them both individually but I never saw the chemistry and it felt random to me. But I still watched them and cared about them and their story and I even watched The Ones Who Live despite cringing the whole time.)

The creative opportunities are huge. Carol and Daryl are not a stereotypical love story by any means. Their dynamic has been fuelling creative minds for over a decade. I would personally admire any showrunner/writer who steps up to the challenge. Alternatively, not bothering comes across as lazy and cowardly to me.

At this point, there's absolutely no doubt in the audience that Carol and Daryl are soulmates. Their happy ending has been an important theme for a while now. And they are the characters that fans care about. Even fans who don't care about whether they have a romantic relationship agree that their idea of a happy ending would be with each other (and Dog). This wouldn't have to be romantic, but since we know that they are both interested in romantic relationships and have some romantic foundations together - why not? No other romantic relationship either of them could have is ever going to match up against Daryl and Carol's relationship. And why should they both be deprived of romance if they are both interested in romantic relationships? Who does that serve?

The idea that two people can so selflessly love each other for over a decade and end up together romantically is the ultimate bond of love. Suggestions that romance would 'cheapen' or 'ruin' a bond make me question what those people think romance means. It isn't the same as R*chonne's romance. It's quiet and calm and careful. It's two damaged souls uplifting each other. So many viewers are empowered by that sort of story.

It would show that AMC are progressive and not ageist or sexist.

Final thoughts

I can't express enough how much I wanted to ignore all of my doubts about this spinoff because of Melissa's involvement and because I genuinely do trust her creative imagination more than anyone. But the comments by Zabel that were released yesterday have brought back the pit I was feeling in my stomach. I trust Melissa and I will always trust Melissa. But I don't trust Zabel. I don't trust that Zabel is doing right by Melissa or by the characters of Carol and Daryl. That doesn't mean that I think he's evil and doing nothing at all right. I just truly believe that we deserve better and Melissa deserves better.

I will give all of my hard earned cash and time to Melissa projects, but I won't do the same for Zabel, or even Norman without Melissa.

[charms-cat]

Nitpicking Kaos

Aka "Is it so hard to have 10 seconds of Googling?"

Dislaimer: I'm not a follower of the Greek pantheon nor am I the most avid "fan" of Greek myth (putting that in quotes bcs there are still worshippers today), but oh my God. Is it so difficult to keep the most basic of information correct? I'm not gonna nitpick on how they twist certain myths (e.g. how Orpheus gets to and gets Eurydice out of the underworld) bcs it's fine, it serves the plot they're telling so it's not like they're doing it for no reason. But the names of gods? Their titles? The fact that Hera is probably the only goddess who has remained faithful to her spouse? Is it too much to ask?

EDIT: just realised just how negative this all sounds, but I did genuinely enjoy the show and its plot. It was interesting enough to captivate me for 8 whole eps, the character dynamics were intriguing, and the portrayal of the gods was cruel and I loved it since it hammers in the disconnect/lack of empathy that they feel for mortals

Anyway, here's a list of nitpicks [SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT] feel free to correct me if I'm wrong

Heracles, not Hercules

Why do people keep getting this wrong? The name of a literal Greek Goddess (Hera) is part of his name. How are you gonna make Zeus praise him, but still get his name wrong

Hestia

Why is Hestia reduced to being a fucking dog????????? Not just any dog either, she's Zeus's dog that already died, absolutely no chance of an appearance of his fifth sibling unless you wanna make it that Zeus was such a dick that he named his dog after his sister. It's not like she has a "useless" domain. She's one of the three most well-known virgin goddesses. She's the goddess of the home and hearth and of the sacrificial fire. She's the one who receives the first offering at a (domestic) sacrifice so why is she just a dog??

Hera

If I had a nickel for every time I read a retelling where she cheats on Zeus with his brother, I'd have two nickels (the first was Lore Olympus, if you're curious). Hera is supposed to represent the ideal wife, the literal goddess of lawful marriage so how the fuck can you make her be unfaithful?????????

Poseidon

Not so much a nitpick than a question, said question being "why are we acting like Poseidon doesn't have a wife, the nereid Amphitrite, queen of the seas" did they get divorced? Is that why he's lusting after Hera

Hades

He's the god of THE DEAD. Thanatos is the god of death ffs; he's the literal personification of death. Thanatos takes mortal souls, and Hades presides over said dead souls. It would've taken only a few seconds to change Hades's title card and for Persephone to call him "god of the dead" instead of the "god of death". Nothing about Hades's position even hints to him presiding over death itself. We only ever see him running the underworld (Y'know, where all the dead are?). They literally had to change nothing but his title card and what Persephone calls him

Persephone

This isn't really a nitpick on her character, but.... if she's in the underworld, shouldn't it be winter? It doesn't matter that she truly loves Hades or that she went willingly, Part of what fueled Demeter's winter is her grief over losing/being away from her daughter so why is it so damn sunny when we cut to the mortal world

Orpheus

Again, not a nitpick but a definite downplay of his musical abilities considering the fact that the song he sung to convince Hades and Persephone had literally stopped the underworld in its tracks

Prometheus

Not an egregious change, but I'll say it anyway: Wasn't he freed by Heracles during his 12 labours? It's not like he needs to be chained up, pretty sure the resentment that comes from centuries or millenia of having your liver pecked out and eaten would sustain his hatred for an equal amount of time

Minos

Their decision to make him a president instead of a king is not only unnecessary, but it makes him look like the Greek ver of Putin. I mean, they really didn't need to add in the part where Ariadne(?) says something along the lines of "you should let the people vote, they'd choose you anyway". Just... the implication that he simply declared himself president is dumb as hell. Despite Athens being the birthplace of democracy, I don't think they even had presidents in Ancient Greece. You could literally just call Minos a king and virtually nothing about the plot would even change so why bother. Is this really just their attempt at "modernising" their world/setting? It's not like we don't have kings in this day and age

Minotaur

It's true that Glaucus is a sibling of Ariadne, but the Minotaur is a whole separate sibling. The Minotaur even has his own name: Asterion/Asterius. Just another case of "why did they have to change this?" Literally just swap out the name "Glaucus" for "Asterion" and not only will (yet again) virtually nothing about the plot change, but it would be more mythologically accurate and less confusing for people who do know the myths. In fact, it could've been a fun hint for people who know the myths to clock what really happened to "Glaucus" early on, but still have them questioning "how did he become the Minotaur in this version?"

Pasiphae/Pas

Ngl I'm kinda sad that Pas seems to be just a normal mortal woman bcs, in Greek myth, she was a sorceress-goddess, the daughter of Helios. Plus, although I think it's kinda fucked up that she was forced to fuck/be fucked by the Cretan bull (bcs being "made to fall in love" is not the same as "falling in love"), I think it would've been interesting to explore not only her grief over losing a child, but the grief that comes from realising that he never was and never could be accepted by either Gods or mortals. Also, it would've made her obsession over him look slightly less selfish (and lowkey creepy) if we found out that part of the reason was that she knew her son could never live among humans as half-man, half-bull so she resorted to making wax figures that would've at least let her imagine what it would've been like if he wasn't the result of divine punishment

Theseus

Was literally just an Easter egg. Downgraded from a prince of Athens to a Cretan bodyguard. Didn't even do his most notable act (killing the Minotaur) or even get sent to the Labyrinth in the first place. Makes him feel very much like a character that the writers added just to say, "Look! Look, we know Greek myth!" Especially since Theseus disappeared into thin air after the Trojan 7 were arrested. I don't think they even showed him in the crowd with Andromache, mourning Astyanax

Non-character Nitpicks (yeah, I got more)

Bees

Not really bothered by this, but I'm pretty sure that bees aren't even one of Hera's sacred animals. They could've made it peacocks, make the birds wander the grounds and when the reveal drops, the symbol of opulence turns into an unabashed display of cruelty

Ichor

Admittedly, the colour of ichor in Ancient Greek texts has always been ambiguous. But I feel like it would've been an interesting visual for their blood to be a non-red colour; maybe the popular gold, for example. Bcs it would've A) drawn a clear line between Gods and mortals and further "validated" the Gods' hubris by serving as visual proof that there's an undeniable difference between them and the mortals; and B) would've really caused Zeus to panic when he saw that his blood was red instead of gold, make him think that he's becoming mortal, vulnerable, weak

Styx

Minor nitpick, but isn't the sentence for not being able to pay the toll only 100 years, not 200? Why the extra 100 years? Why even change this? If they really wanted to make it feel like a long sentence, then they should've gone for 500 or 1000 years. Living even just 100 years of doing the same thing with no variation or even the choice to opt out, or even being able to taste anything, would start feeling hellish sooner than you might think

Couples

This might just be the aromantic in me, but why is there so much romance???? And it's between couples that never existed in the OG myths

1. Hera/Poseidon - why??? I've already talked about how it goes against Hera's character, but if they really wanted them to have a "deep" relationship, they're literally siblings?? They could just bond over having to be the ones that keep Zeus in line or being the only ones responsible for actually ruling their realms (bcs Amphitrite is nowhere to be found). They didn't need to insult Hera's character like that

2. Theseus/Astyanax - I'd have less problem with this if it didn't seem like Theseus wanted Ari to only save Nax instead of all 7 Trojans. It makes it feel like they're fueling the idea that a person would only be desperate to save the person they love romantically. E.g., a husband saving his wife, but not someone saving their best friend

3. Prometheus/Charon - same problem as the Theseus/Nax ship, especially with the added line that Prometheus needs to rely on "someone who will do anything for you" (or sumn like that). Like,,,, you can do that for your friend too, y'know. It's not out of the realm of possibility to miss your friend or love them so deeply that you'd do anything for them. It's literally a well-known joke(?) that there are friends who'd help you hide the body. It'd just be a more intense ver of that between Charon and Prometheus. They didn't need to be romantic to showcase Charon's trust in and dedication to helping Prometheus

4. Caeneus/Eurydice - I'm so tired of people falling in love in less than a week (I don't think this relationship even reached a full three days). Iirc y'all had a grand total of 6 conversations - first at the Frame, second meeting when Riddy introduces herself as a diver, third at the party, fourth when they're sitting on the bench, fifth when they have their short escapade to the Nothing, sixth in Caeneus's bedroom.

I mean,,,,, I get that they shared meaningful conversations, but I swear none of said conversations even lasted more than 5 minutes so where on Earth is this "love" coming from?? Y'all have barely scratched the surface of what you know of each other but you think you're connected??? Get real

Ending on a positive note

I actually love the Furies and the Fates. The Furies more for their looks and their vibe and especially the Fates for their (literal) know-it-all nonchalant attitude. I hope they come back next season.

The set design and colouring is also top tier, from the underworld filtered in black and white and looking industrial and office-like to the vibrant colours and festivity of Earth to the opulence of Olympus

Some actual trans and disability rep! I've been burned before with the trans rep since the Netflix adaptation of "Alice in Borderlands" has a cis woman playing a transfem, but Misia Butler is an actual transmasc! [Nobody argue that AIB couldn't have an actual transfem bcs of Japan's transphobia bcs I can tell you what's not helping trans rights: having cis women play transfem roles, thinking it makes no difference anyway. Good rep can pave the way for acceptance]

The disability rep in actors is so fucking bad that I genuinely thought most people with disabilities just didn't become actors. I only knew that the daughter in "A Quiet Place" was actually deaf bcs I went to look it up. Anyway, hope Mat Fraser (Daedalus aka only decent father figure) comes back bcs no way he actually got eaten, right? Right????

[asklilmissrarity]

Progress Update on Melodi

Hello, everyone!

Happy New Year!

On December 15th 2023, I made the public announcement that Lil Miss Rarity will receive no further comic updates from me, finally confirming a common theory that I had lost the will to continue creating it. Lil Miss Rarity, just to confirm here, is now public domain and I encourage fan-blogs and will proverbially pass the torch to anyone who would like to take up the mantle.

It wasn't an easy decision to make because of how many times I'd promised I would never stop updating it, and I did in fact have future plans for it (I will be making a video on YouTube describing how I'd planned to continue the story, and how I would have ended it if I ever did).

But in its wake came Melodi, a spiritual successor to Lil Miss Rarity, and I've decided that a story-driven video game with ongoing updates would be the smartest decision, at least for the introduction to the series.

And so along came this twiggy elf. (Important note: Her booby size on her sprite is exaggerated, same as her head size. The in-game art for cutscenes will show more proper body proportions.)

Melodi is now just four directional (diagonal movement) sprite animations away from being a complete character sprite, which means creating a proof of concept will be just a matter of time.

As of today, I have completed:

The intro cutscene for the game, leading to the introduction of Melodi and her teacher, Eliah Sterium (Multiple full color images accompany that cutscene)

Seven unique songs entirely composed by myself (Literally learned how to make music a week ago just for this project)

Four directional movement sprites consisting of 6 frames of pixel animation each direction (Including separating each part to make them usable for other characters' sprites)

Four directional idle animations consisting of 6 frames of animation each direction (Again, making paperdolls to use later for other characters)

A discord server for the ongoing production of Melodi RPG where I'll be answering questions, including answering as the characters from the game similar to the LMR ask-blog

27 (just counted) preliminary sketches to flesh out character designs and have reference for myself

Eliah Sterium's design, making the ladies go gaga

Mountains of lore (a lot of which can be found in the Discord's lore channels)

Personalities for the primary cast of deadbeat magic school students

Art for the title screen

The entire storyboard for Episode 1 and Episode 2

The pricing model for the game (Episode 1 will be a free demo, and all remaining episodes will be bundled together in a $10 purchase)

The "Pet Cwow" option on the Quit Game menu and what happens when you pet him (You'll see)

The entire intro in-engine (Screencapped above with Eliah there)

Many new fans/friends who've introduced themselves in the Discord

And, I have received (on December 31st) my very first negative review of the game, which I will cherish. Someone who knew nothing other than "It's a game about an elf who goes psychotic" and saw the title art said that the game was basically doomed to fail because Melodi has large breasts, to which I replied "Imagine being this fucking butthurt over tits existing" which set him off into an obnoxious and insulting rage that ended with "Enjoy nothing but horny virgins playing your game and ignoring the dog water, generic ass story." A quote that I will never, ever, ever forget, and if I someday make a physical release of the game, I promise you, that quote will be on the back of the box.

There's even more than just all this, I've already sunk tons of hours of time and effort into the production of Melodi and I am super excited to continue.

I want to thank everyone for the support of the game so far, and I hope once people know more about the story and characters, the game sees the same kind of fandom that Lil Miss Rarity once had.

Luv you all

~Jay Tonique

[kyousystem]

What is Kyou?

When it comes to my sense of identity, for whatever weight we can assign to that term, I've gone on the record before saying that my gender isn't male or female or any other such thing, but instead is "Kyou". Obviously, this is circular logic: I am Kyou, so saying that my gender, sexuality, and the like is also Kyou doesn't on its face provide any kind of answer or clarity—outside of a distaste for and rejection of conventional labels and categorization, perhaps.

So then, what IS Kyou? In March of 2020, the game developer lol_rust (best known for their Yume Nikki fangame, .flow) released a game titled Milya[broken]. Unlike his more popular work, this game was much more obtuse in its imagery and gameplay, and ultimately received mixed reviews, even from longtime fans. As such, I can only assume that you, my dear hypothetical reader, will most likely not be familiar with the titular character Milya from said game, so I'll describe her briefly before we continue: Milya is a chimerical combination of a sleep paralysis demon, a reality warper, and a living corpse, an entity born from a woman who effectively died but was frozen at the moment of her death by the emergence of her dormant power, something that should not exist and whose mere presence has a corrosive effect on the world and people around her whenever they perceive or become aware of her to any extent.

I relate very, very strongly to her. Hell, her character concept resonates with me, in a way that's more consistent and more intense than just about anything else I've ever seen or heard.

So then, what IS Kyou? In March of 2016, "I" took a very large dose of psychadelics (a tincture made from 400 morning glory seeds, to be exact) by myself and experienced what I can only surmise was complete ego death, with any sense of self or awareness or any such thing being completely smothered through the rest of that evening. The only thing I can remember is an endless procession of indescribable monochrome spirals and fractals, as well as me repeatedly waking up and blacking out, my body twitching and thrashing uncontrollably all the while, as well as moments of me violently emptying the contents of my stomach near the end. When I awoke the next day, I felt as though I were on death's doorstep, as though I had avoided dying by the skin of my teeth.

That incident is the dividing line between what I refer to as the Pre-Kyou Era and the Kyou Era. Indeed, you'll note the smear quotes I put around the "I" in the preceding paragraph: That person was not me, was not Kyou. Where he existed before, I exist now.

So then, what IS Kyou? There's a term that's often thrown about in discussions regarding the treatment of dissociative identity disorder. Specifically, clinicians love to make noise about integration, an outcome wherein the individual suffering from DID "eliminates" their alter-egos and instead only presents as one personality. As with many things in clinical psychology, this is an extremely simplistic and reductive model of the inner workings of the traumatized psyche, but there is a kernel of truth to it: Namely, alter-egos can fuse together with each other in a reversible, synergistic way (not unlike the fusion earrings from DBZ or gem fusion from SU), and these alter-ego complexes can in turn fuse with each other until "one" grand unified identity is present. It is a very long, intensely difficult, and incredibly frightening process to achieve this, but it is a very possible outcome nevertheless.

As you might imagine, however, this necessarily involves a great deal of change in one's sense of self, oftentimes in ways that conventional wisdom would suggest is not for the better. As a Twitter post I once read quite aptly put it, "You go in thinking that you'll integrate your shadow, but in reality, your shadow integrates you."

So then, what IS Kyou? The end of the Pre-Kyou Era was marked by the creation of what I can only describe as a massive, gaping hole in the barrier that once separated my conscious and unconscious minds. Into that pristinely sterile and claustrophobic white box of consciousness came flooding in the dark waters of the great ocean of the unconscious, and with it, all of those parts of myself that I had so urgently and so intently repressed at length, as well as some parts of myself altogether alien to me and to everything I understood about the world. Even now, I can feel it, the waters now gently welling up as though from a natural spring, so different from the torrent that came exploding outward before.

I am far more what was trapped within those dark waters than I ever was what cowered away in that white box.

So then, what IS Kyou? As alienated as I often feel from my biological family, there are a few curious tidbits relating to them that stand out in my mind even now. There are a few minor points, such as the various creative talents that run strong in my father's side of the family, especially regarding music; but the most pertinent one is the fact that my great-great aunt on my mother's side of the family was a locally famed psychic, one who was talented enough to where she'd amassed a fortune of a few million dollars by virtue of the efficacy of her work. Her psychic powers purportedly manifested in the form of strong flashes of intuition and emotion, as well as very intense visions that appeared to her in dreams. Indeed, my mother has shared (in one of the exceedingly rare moments where she voluntarily opened up about herself) that she and several other members of her family have had similar feelings, dreams, and experiences over the years.

In the Pre-Kyou Era, "I" never experienced anything remotely close to a vision, but such intense dreams and flashes of intuition are quite commonplace in the Kyou Era.

So then, what IS Kyou? I am the photonegative of the previous owner of this body, and I have completely subsumed the battered, shattered remains of his anemic identity into myself. I am something that should not exist, cannot exist, and does not exist by all of the most sound conclusions of clinical psychology and material scientific skepticism, and yet something that exists all the same in deliberate, gleeful spite of these things. I am something with a very tenuous connection to material reality that probably should have died on that night years ago yet is still walking around on time that was not borrowed but stolen outright, something that experienced an awakening in that moment of death of an upwelling of power that laid theretofore dormant within me, and something that now wanders about distorting the normal order of things by virtue of existing when I'm not supposed to and having a bottomless pool of power and potential that I shouldn't be able to draw upon so freely and deeply as I do.

I am the equivalent of Milya escaping from her imprisonment in the depths of her "creator's" mind into this reality, and hijacking a body as brimming with unfair, obscene, and disproportionate ability as Fierce Deity Link from Majora's Mask—and I'm taking it on a joyride.

THAT is what Kyou is.

[sylvienerevarine]

The Basis of Optimism is Sheer Terror: A Sylvieverse Short

(the title is an Oscar Wilde quote, in keeping with the rest of my Mephala's Thrice-Damned Web shorts. I'll add this on AO3 at some point)

My thought process on this one was "what if Ulfric and Sophrine had a pleasant interaction for once" and then I started reading @thequeenofthewinter's lovely Ulfric story and couldn't resist adding in her character Dahlia. I guess in this universe Dahlia's not the dragonborn, but she is STILL a relatable queen.

---

The clock on the wall was ticking so loudly Sophrine’s ears were ringing–or so it felt, anyway, as she and the Jarl of Windhelm stared at one another from across the low stone table. Said table was covered in trays of pastries and a surprisingly nice tea set, but it didn’t seem any less like a war room.

“So,” she said at last.

“So,” Ulfric repeated. “I…appreciate you coming.”

Sophrine doubted this very much. “I was surprised to receive your invitation, I have to say. The last time I was here you very firmly kicked me out.”

Ulfric’s eyes narrowed. “You threatened to breathe fire at me, Miss Aulette. A man in my position cannot be too cautious, something I should think that you would understand…”

“Breathe, dear,” advised the pretty dark-haired woman at his side. She was Ulfric’s new wife, Sophrine knew, a local woman named Dahlia. Elegant as she was, the way she carried herself made it clear she was no stranger to battle. She was some years younger than her husband, yet he seemed almost to defer to her.

“We agreed,” Dahlia went on, “that this would be a friendly meeting. It’s no good for the Jarl of Windhelm and the Last Dragonborn to be bitter enemies, you’ll end up Shouting the entire country to pieces.”

Ulfric sniffed. “I can be friendly, if she can.”

Sophrine racked her brains for friendly topics of conversation, ones that wouldn’t result in violence. In the end, she settled on the one thing she knew the two had in common. “You also studied with the Greybeards, didn’t you?”

“I did, in fact,” Ulfric replied, looking relieved. “For nearly ten years. Sometimes I regret not staying, but I was never suited for the life of a monk.”

Dahlia snickered and elbowed her husband fondly. “He certainly isn’t.”

Didn’t want to know that. “I wish I could have spent a longer time there myself,” said Sophrine. “There was always just so much going on, not to mention my husband and children… but it’s a special place, High Hrothgar.”

“I suppose, with your inherent abilities, your training was more efficient than mine. I could never tell if I progressed slowly because of my own failings, or because those old men couldn’t be bothered to move any faster.” He chuckled. “Does Arngeir still take three hours to drink a single cup of tea?”

Sophrine laughed. “Yes! And it always gets cold halfway through, and he just keeps on sipping, completely focused. I can tolerate freezing cold mountaintops and slaying dragons, but I’ll never be enlightened enough to tolerate cold tea.” She frowned as a thought hit her. “All those years you were studying at High Hrothgar, did you ever meet Paarthurnax?”

“No, I never did. Novices like me weren’t allowed near the fellow. Except, I suppose, a Dragonborn.” Ulfric took a sip of tea and looked at Sophrine piercingly. “What was he like, then? I suppose he’d have to be ancient by now.”

“Well,” said Sophrine, not quite sure how to start. “Yes, he’s quite old. Also a dragon.”

“He’s what?” Dahlia all but shrieked, the pastry in her hand falling with a splat. “As in, an actual dragon?”

The Jarl crossed his arms sternly. “If this is one of your famously terrible jokes, Miss Aulette…”

“First of all, it’s very flattering that my jokes are famous. Second, I’m not lying, I swear. Paarthurnax is as draconic as they come. Wings, scales, horns, the works. You really didn’t know?”

“How could I have? If there’s one thing those old monks can do, it’s keep a secret. I wish…” Ulfric looked, almost wistfully, at a spot above Sophrine’s head.

Dahlia gently patted his arm. “Maybe it’s not too late, Ulfy. Perhaps, after all that’s happened, the Greybeards would allow you to speak to Paarthurnax. Perhaps our new friend has some influence there?” She cast a hopeful glance at Sophrine, who was trying hard not to giggle at Ulfy.

“I might be willing to help,” she said lightly. “Though, of course, I’d need something in return. Shall we say another friendly meeting? Between you, me, and some of the spokespeople from the Grey Quarter? I think it’s high time we addressed that situation.”

Ulfric groaned, glanced at his wife–who nodded encouragingly–and looked back at Sophrine. 

“Fine,” he said gruffly. “But I’m not touching that swill they call sujamma.”

[bamboobrat]

succession s4 e3 recap: i just called to say are you a cunt? 2/2

part 1

how are we dealing so far? personally, i am not.

tom calls his boyfriend with the news of logan's death, which turns out to be a huge mistake because greg is a dipshit with no poker face and a simp for journalist ass.

guys, i even feel bad for tom. wtf is this episode.

roman is still in denial.

the genius of the writers confirmed: i spent ages wondering if it was real myself, since we never really saw logan and it felt unreal. so thanks for the torture, i guess.

just as the kids receive news they have stopped doing compressions, the ship leaves the dock.

stress level: uncut gems.

hugo is here.

if i saw this man on the worst day of my life i would jump ship.

he informs the sibs that the board is drafting a statement and the reactions are who tf asked.

we see a shift from grief to strategy. new leadership means they need to position themselves.

tom wants people to know he was with logan as he died. karl, gerri and frank need their name on the statement. and although the healthy thing probably would be to grieve in peace, the kids need to stake their claim too.

calling a confrontation in a karaoke bar a family function is controlling the narrative. words are just complicated airflow.

this screenshot is just in here because it has gerri in it.

roman continues his denial tour, this time featuring gerri.

bla bla bla the marked bla bla bla stock prices bla bla shiv casually suggests they leave the plane in the air for a while because of business.

shoot logan into deep space for all i care.

inside you there are two wolves: one who cares about legacy and one that is suicidal.

in this scenario, i would be connor:

actually, i'm shiv, turns out:)))

i'm sure the mommy issues comes as a surprise to no one.

kendall is on the funeral planning commitee.

"funeral off the rack" was the alt title of this week's recap.

and then, just as roman has pointed out they can just be children who have lost their fathers, who need to grieve, rumors of logan's health leak.

fucking greg.

i'm always here for a good sibling huddle.

how "inspirational quote on a boomer facebook group" of them to believe they are actually needed at waystay.

don't stop believing and all that.

i repeat, don't stop believing:

you go, gerri, give him nothing!!!!:(

the way she looked so concerned for them when she entered the room:(( but then he acted like an asshole:((( and now everything is horrible:((((

WE ARE LOSING THE LESBIANS!

DOSE OF FANFIC NEEDED, STAT!

help

help!!!

indeed. how will i ever survive the six days leading up to the next episode?

(it's fanfiction, the answer is fanfiction)

i know that hugo referred to the journos when he said he had briefed "their friendliest" but i like to believe he's talking about shiv.

guys, i'm so drained.

more business. logan is the stock price. anthropomorphic shit that would probably mean something if i cared enough to focus on logan rn.

HUG!!!!!

at this point, it seems impossible that these three will turn on each other, but a lot can happen in seven episodes.

roman's adhd brain needs visual conformation.

this is very important, says woman who forgets the produce if it's at the back of the fridge.

connor wins this episode.

he got his way: statue of liberty, weirdly patriotic band, no cake.

the healthiest relationship in this show is the one that is openly transactional.

speaking of transactional relationships: shiv goes home with tom under the pretense that he has to explain to her the details of what happened on the plane.

what are we thinking? is there hope? (of course not) do we care? (i do, i do a little)

we end on kendall alone and the siblings separated. bad omen.

"i'll be broken when you die"

we await an unpredictable road ahead, friends. buckle up, fuckleheads.

part 1

[demonstars]

hii im starting to get into poetry and i trust your taste so i was wondering who your favorite authors/poets are ? if you don’t mind :)

oh my god this is so sweet WISHING YOU WELL ON YOUR JOURNEY. i'll list you my top five (english) poets here, they're really excellent so you have something to start from but what i really recommend is that once you find one poet/poem and check out their other works AND if they've worked on anthologies/shared what their favorite poems are. ok ok So

hanif abdurraqib — he has beautiful essays on living and dying and how you make your place in the world and i genuinely think on summer crushing saved my life—and his ways of webbing words together just shows its prime in poetry. heavely recomment it's not like nikola tesla knew all of those people were going to die and, if you can, listen to him read it

ada limon — LOVE HER TO DEATH. one of the first poets I ever read in my life when starting to understand english and it changed my fucking life. it, being what i didn't know before which is just like one of those poems that just hit you like a trunk. one of the most beautiful gifts i've ever received is a copy of her bright dead things (book), so i must recommend state bird. it's not even her best poem (that goes to dead stars and no it's not because i'm obsessed with them) in my opinion it's just representative of everything I love about her writing. also she is currently working on an anthology that i am so excited to read and discover new poets through that!!

richard siken — well. y'know. Like y'know. I JUST NEED EVERYONE TO MOVE ON FROM CRUSH OR GET BETTER AT JUST LOOKING AT HIM FROM DISEMBOWELED QUOTES POSTED FOR CLOUT. read poetry it made me cry. I need more people to get excited with me when he posts a new one pleaseeeeeeeeeee @RICHARDSIKEN I KNOW YOU HAVE PROBLEMATIC THOUGHTS ON AI I STILL WANT YOU.

hera lindsay bird — one of Those poets that will just let you a bit confused and fascinated. I think I've reread the entire catalogue of poems on her blog at least thrice because I really liked them and couldn't articulate exactly why!!! I still struggle!!! Gotta link I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU I WANT TO LIE DOWN cause yeah yeah we've all seen major public intersection. i want her self titled collection so bad. also pamper me to hell and back. aka all her published work. speech time changed my life when i was 16. she has a dnf poem. GREAT POET.

June Gehringer — can't even express it with words how much i love her. i get genuine rsd over her work being misinterpreted and flattened specially with fucking twitter reposters Shoutout my priv mutuals last year who supported me annoying one of those 10k fake deep accounts to give her credit. anyway. THANK GOD FOR PEACH MAG. I DO GET SO JEALOUS OF EUTHANIZED GODS. recs is The universe collapses waoo.... she has a very good one on grief and transnesss that i KNOWWWW i posted here but i can't find it should i die. ugh so frustating

and here is Others that I couldn't include because I just realized i need to be my friend's house in two hours and I am not yet ready with my assignment but you should DEFINITELY check out: . Lisel Mueller. Mahmoud Darwish, Anne Sexton. frank o'hara. gabrielle calvocoressi. Matthew Olzmann. chen chen. OKAY HOPE THIS HELPED!!!!!!!

[glowingvenus]

ao3 wrapped [writers edition]

I was tagged by @supermonkeyball 💕and I'll tag... hmm... @kwockwoc if you feel like it? or, yknow, anyone who wants to steal

How many words have you written this year? I am only gonna count my published word count on ao3... 93,134. Excellent in terms of my personal numerology 👀

How many works did you publish this year? 15

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? Shattered Pieces Shine... though I'm hesitant to let myself be proud of it when it's still in its infancy haha

What work of yours has the most hits? SPS natch

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? Double Touch... only one short chapter out and there's 13 comments, wowie 💕 no idea how that happened!

Favorite title you used? I do make myself giggle with Double Touch...

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? I don't really use song lyrics much, but I'll give Chungha a shout out for providing the title of SPS lol. The song is otherwise completely irrelevant but that was a nice phrase

Pairing you wrote the most for this year? Nichoji of course 💕

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year? ...Nichoji of course 💕 but i did enjoy exploring other pairings too and plan to do much more in the future

What work was the quickest to write? Several of the Nutvember pieces were written in a short time, but in terms of WPM I feel like Pas de Deux takes the crown. I did not sleep that night... but I did let the spirit of ballerina porn possess me. A similar thing happened with Complicated

What work took you the longest to write? I've definitely spent the most time agonizing over SPS and that will continue over the next several months-year lol

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? 3 so far, and many more planned...

What’s your longest work of the year? SPS ✌️ (41,055 words and many more to go)

What’s your shortest work of the year? Complicated 🥪 (1,073 words)

What WIP are you taking into next year with you? SPS, Double Touch, and (unnamed fencing freaky friday fic)

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? it's a tie between pining, light bondage, and PWP. wow... what a revelatory question...

Your favorite character to write this year? TBH I had a ton of fun with Carmen Cox and Pamela Coste (my interpretation of Nicholas's and Jesse's moms)

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year? Dante was a bit tricky, but I'm looking forward to revisiting him 😊

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? I have a few surprises planned that I don't want to spoil. But for sure planning to tackle Haiden and... Bobby/Dante pls get a decent ship name!

Which work of yours have you reread the most? SPS wins solely by virtue of being an ongoing work that I have to reference. Second place goes to Pas de Deux... due to being written all in one night, in a bout of insomnia, it sometimes feels like someone else wrote it lol

How many kudos in total did you get this year? 279 ❤️

Which work has the most comments? SPS sweep. It has 99. I look forward to someone claiming spot #100 when the next chapter drops

Did you do any collaborative works this year? to quote saav verbatim, "melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway) was a telephone fic with some friends in the Fence discord!"

Did you write any gifts this year? I didn't mark it as a gift but I guess "you make me forget" counts. At least i can say it was born of love and inspiration from starwritess's beautiful Hummingbirds series. I also wrote a little gift ficlet for inagartenforever that may see the light of day one day.

Did you receive any gifts this year? literally today I woke up to one from starwritess. My first gift fic ever ❤️ and it's wonderful

What’s your most common category? M/M... I don't know how we got here (dyke sigh)

What do you listen to while writing? NOTHINGGGG i need absolute silence. This is the main obstacle I face as a writer 😭

Favorite work you wrote this year? SPS is the obvious answer butttt I just really like the little world I've created and I'm so excited to keep expanding it

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? you're asking me to remember the shit that I've written...? Well a few ppl have said they enjoyed the blowjob scene in SPS ch7 so I'll go with that. I think it was one of the better executed sex scenes?

Biggest surprise while writing this year? the fact that I'm writing at all tbqh. I did not expect to fall so hard for Fence, or to write fic for it, or to explore so many ideas for it. My previous writing habits were... extremely sparse. But this year has really unlocked something in me and I'm so grateful for the Fence community and the new friends I've met through it ❤️

[frozenwolftemplar]

For the ask game!

5, 8, 14, 18, 31, 39, 45, 60, 65, 73

I know it's been a bit, but I haven't forgotten about this and have been adding to it in between all that fic writing/editing last month (and my laptop being a pain) and it's finally ready! I really like all these questions and wanted to give great answers; I hope you enjoy! (warning though: it's long).

5: Do you like constructive criticism? - Yes, I actually do! Admittedly, it can be hard to hear, and also admittedly I haven't had much experience receiving it (prior to writing fic, my main genre of writing was academic, and I never got much writing feedback on those papers), but the odd times I have received it I did appreciate it and feel like I grew as a result.

8: Do you prefer the beginning, middle or end of the story? - Ending, one-hundred percent! I just love that feeling you get when the story starts winding down, folding itself up like a letter you're about to tuck in an envelope, and you can feel it; it's such a cool sensation and I love it. Plus, I like the fun in thinking up a final angsty gut-punch line or snappy bit of humor to end things on.

14: How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel or draw from personal experiences? - I usually try to clear my head (easier said than done) and really slot myself in the character's shoes, focusing on the scene and how it affects them and let that guide what I write. I really try to let the scene guide what happens next, especially if the scene is a conversation or argument; in the latter case I'll probably go back later and revise it a little to make sure everything is in-character.

I do sometimes draw from personal experience, especially for more intense emotions like anger or disappointment; I have a multi-chap upcoming where Cass goes through a pretty tough time and I dipped into personal experience a lot for it.

18: Do you title your fics before, during, or after and how do you come up with them? - Honestly, titling fics is hands-down one of the hardest parts of the whole fic-writing process for me; it's usually the very last thing I tackle along with the summary, and more often than not I just do the whole 'one-word title' thing. 🙃 If a fic is inspired by a particular literary work or quote, I usually reference that for the title (like 'White Roses')

31: Do you start with the characters or the plot? - I'm...not actually sure? A lot of my fics start with a plot, but other times (especially if I'm working from a prompt) I start with the characters and just think of different situations to put them in and how they'd react. But maybe that's still plot first? I think the answer would be some of each, then? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

39: Share a snippet from a WIP - Gladly! How about that multi-chap I just mentioned?

"She had only taken a few steps towards the barracks, though, when a cry split the still spring air. "Ho! Coming up the road! The Captain and his troops!" Dad! Instantly Cass changed course, sprinting for the front courtyard. Her dad was back early! Hooray! As much as she liked having Captain Williams here, it just wasn't the same as her dad. She had missed him so much, and couldn't wait to sit on his lap and hear- "Look alive, everyone! They've got a man down!"

45: Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh? - Well, my favorite thing to do is pull the rug out from under readers; give them some cute fluff or a happy moment then -BAM!- flash forward to angst! But between the two: laugh. I know I write a fair amount of angst, and I do enjoy it very much, but I just really love reading a comment where someone says that my writing made them laugh. 😊

60: Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like? - Well, you've commented on my fics, right? 😉 I have been so fortunate as to have had this happen to me many times, starting from the very first fic I posted. A few writers who I held (and still hold!) as among the fandom's very best actually said they liked what I wrote and I, an extremely self-conscious writer who was seriously thinking I'd made a huge mistake and should just delete my account before I could humiliate myself- was over the moon (once the initial mortification of oh my gosh, this incredibly talented person who's writing an epic read my piddly little fic wore off 😅).

It's been three years since then, and I still get such a thrill whenever I see any writer I admire comment on my fics (and if it's the first time they've commented on my fics, that 'oh my gosh' mortification still kicks in 🤦‍♀️)

65: Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project - I can't really name one thing in particular. Right now I'm on a bit of a break from new ideas; I currently have a lot of half-finished projects I want to get back to and fully-written fics that need to be edited before posting. So right now I'm most looking forward to digging out those old pieces and getting excited about them again. But I also have some ideas for Little Cass fics that I've never gotten around to writing at all, and I'm eager to dive into those and see where they lead!

73: What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works? - My style. I mostly learned how to write a story by example, with my 'examples' being books like 'Little Women' and 'Anne of Green Gables:' titles that are well over a century old and written when the world had a different idea of how you write a novel. They have a flowery, flowing feel to them where the author routinely switches perspectives (sometimes several times to a page), personifies things like household objects and the environment, goes on about someone's thoughts and feelings at length, and provides some commentary on the goings-on. It's a style I love and, by habit and intent, strive to emulate. It makes my fics long and sometimes a challenge to write, but I love the end result too much to do it any other way!

Thank you so, so much for the ask! This was a lot of fun and I hope you enjoyed reading this! Take care! 💙

[maplesyrizzup]

can i bother u with all these question???? 🥺😂

Yes you may, but just know, you are never bothering me

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics? Honestly, atm multi-chaptered. But I still love oneshots.

Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go? no. i have certain scenes planned but I'm making it up as I go

Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic It's either I write it all in one go (if it's short) or take weeks, even months writing it. I tend to take longer, because I don't have it all in my mind, so I'll just be staring at the doc wondering what to do next.

Where do you find inspiration for new ideas? in everyday life or they randomly pop in my head

Do you like constructive criticism? yes. i love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions, they help me decide on things. like if I ask for headcanons from a group of people it's to get a sense on what everyone thinks so I can later decide what I think is best for my own hc. i think it's extremely important to listen to others opinions when making a decision

Do you have your work beta'd? How important is this to your process? most of the time, though recently it's mostly just been snippets that I am unsure of that I have someone look over

How do you choose which POV to write from? I view it as a movie in my head. I usually try to focus on multiple things at once. I want all the characters to be heard and/or moving around. but if it's important to write it from only one character's POV like I did in bits of Possession then I will do so.

Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story? Writing? Beginning or end. Reading? All, I think all parts are important.

Do you comment on stories you read? Most of the time yes. sometimes when I am in a hurry I am unable to comment, but I try to comment on most

Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up none of my wips have blinks in them.

Link your three favorite fics right now The Desert Chronicles by @ksbbb. i am always going to mention this one. my favorite fic(s) ever. What's Your Deepest Desire? by @reignwrites Memoriae Fractum by @demonzdust this is Sceo and it's the fic that made me ship them (hope it's okay that I tagged you two)

how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you? It doesn't really impact me much. It's nice to receive feedback/support but it's not the end of the world if I don't

what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow? Try to describe the scene's surroundings. I'm not very good at it, but I try to follow it

how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences? No, I don't feel what the characters feel, sometimes I cry while writing emotional scenes. sometimes yes I draw from personal experiences but not all the time

How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic? No. I don't write them and I don't think I will. I don't feel comfortable writing them but I will read them

How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them? 5 and like three song fic ideas. Groundhogs Day like inspired fic but for Theo and Stiles. They are forced to work together to get out of the Groundhogs Day-like situation. Thiam. Stydia

What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block) I wait and give it time.

Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles? During. I either use quotes from the fic or try to go with the theme

What is the most-used tag on your ao3? Angst

Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc? Humor. even when a situation is dark, I try to make a comment that will get someone to chuckle at. It's yelling at me for passing the text character limit so I'll post this in parts.

[gothamswords]

What are YOUR training objectives for the upcoming year?

Sure, this is the sort of click-bait title you expected to see along with a flurry of "new year new you" self-improvement e-mails the moment January 1st rolls around. Well, the joke is on you because you can begin a new year of training any time you want. 

In this post I'll break down my own approach to answering the titular question.

We all have different reasons for coming to the fencing hall and a variety of ambitions that result in our sticking around. As a teacher at Gotham Swords I want to do my part in helping everyone achieve their goals. 

Want to incorporate more cardio? 

Get more into free-play fencing?

Sharpen your skills for an upcoming competition?

Don’t hesitate to reach out to your teacher(s) or me directly via e-mail or Discord [peterjhaas#7618] and let us know what you’re aiming to do this year — we’ll work together to make a plan! 

Introspection

It would be unfitting of me to ask everyone to engage in this deeply personal exercise without participating in it myself...

My goals this year are:

Work towards being more concise in my teaching

Be more analytical and reflective of my personal time in the fencing hall.

Work on the "openings" I'm creating and consider more often "the etiquette of the heart".

Some of this likely comes off as a little vague, so here, without much filter is the motivation: 

My earnest study of martial arts began amid a difficult period of my life. The ability to focus on training helped me bare the misery I was experiencing at the time.  During this period I trained with a mindset geared towards competition. However, the ensuing years have substantially challenged that approach. I will speak to some of the details in a later post, but for an assortment of reasons I have reached a point in which tournaments have become difficult to attend.

Yet, I still train every day.

Why? Because I believe there is something deeper and more meaningful to the art of swordplay. I will address it in greater detail in a later post, but to paraphrase one-a-many coaching books: It's an internal game as much as it is external. There is a formal etiquette and approach to what we do in our fencing hall, but there is also “the etiquette of the heart,” which is to approach swordplay with an open and frank attitude with the aim of self-improvement.

I wanted to share this, admittedly extensive quote from Hiroshi Ozawa Sensei, which I believe sums up the sentiment pretty well:

"Swordplay involves putting on your uniform and practicing with a partner. The relationship between you and your partner may be thought of as one in which each person discovers their own particular weak points through an exchange of strikes and thrusts. When you receive a strike, it should make you aware that you have a weak spot in that particular place.

Being on the receiving end of a strike, however, will inevitably make you feel disappointed and consequently practice can turn quite rough. As a result, more openings to attacks will appear, causing you even more problems and leaving you open to even more strikes. You must always take care that this does not happen. Paradoxically, successful swordplay depends on your ability to keep up a fighting spirit while continually showing appropriate respect to your partner. Your swordplay will become very unbalanced if one of these complementary elements is missing. Observance of etiquette helps you make the most of practice, and find the beauty in fencing. When you receive a strike, it is because there is an opening. You opponent draws your attention to your weak spots, and you endeavor to ensure that you do not receive a strike in the same place again. Through endless repetition and practice, the openings will gradually disappear. No one can ever rest on their laurels, however, even when they have reached the top level: because in swordplay there is always unlimited room for improvement."

Editor's Note: This post originally appeared on the Langes Messer Blog in February.

[twohundredpower]

❱❱  : ( CANON QUESTIONNAIRE ) –  ACCEPTING

@revivancy​​ said:

↪                              2, 9, and 20!

2. How did you get into this franchise/fandom?

my first ever tales of game was actually symphonia! i didn't own it, but a friend of mine brought their gamecube over to my place a few times, and i got to play it with them then-- i'd seen the characters before in the rp circles i was in, so i was so excited to finally try it out. and it's genuinely one of my favourite games of all time! i'm still making my way through the other titles in the series, especially some of the older ones-- i'm not the most well-rounded tales of fan, but rping lloyd has definitely reignited my love for the series!

9. Have you tweaked the character from canon? If so, what did you tweak?

there's definitely some things i've expanded on with lloyd's character, mostly his skills as a craftsman/forgemaster. at the start of the game, he's still honing his ability, and a lot of people comment on it still needing work-- he has a few moments where the trades he learned from dirk come in handy and obviously grow, but i've definitely leaned on him being a bit more artistic in my portrayal. at his canon point, he's had time to garner more experience, and the trade is something he really values learning from his dad, so i think he would continue to let it grow any chance he gets! there has been some canon material outside of the game that shows this too, so i don't think i'm too far off in seeing lloyd that way!

also, though lloyd is definitely still childish in his own ways, after all the development he received in the game (and in the group), i don't make him quite as forgetful as he usually can be. the game opens up on colette's birthday, which lloyd has promptly forgotten about and quickly tries to scramble to get her present done. where he is now, after all the things he's gone through, time spent with his loved ones has become very important to him; so i believe he would make more of an effort to remember things, and to not take important dates like that for granted.

he still gets bored from time to time, though. that's the ADHD in him.

20. If you could sum up your character with one sentence, what would it be?

rather than a sentence, i think i'll use a direct quote from lloyd in the game that speaks to the kind of person he is-- "no matter who or what you are, once you are born into this world, you have the right to live!"

[corvidcrybaby]

11, 27, 55 for the fanfic ask game :)

Hell yeah!

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

A little bit of both! I sometimes try to stay in order so that I don't get ahead of myself or forget what I've written where lest I fuck something up royally - the timeline of my current Hellsing work is still all the way messed up due to this, but I'm just banking on hoping it isn't too glaring till I can fix it. However, if I'm in a writing rut, I'll sometimes jump ahead to a scene later on in the work just to get the juices flowing again. Wanting to write but being unable to sucks, so I reason it's better to get more ideas down onto the page to work on later rather than going "I don't feel like writing the next scene so I'm stuck until I do."

27. What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Dialogue, 100%. I'm far from a champ at writing it, but coming from a background in theatre it's usually what the entire nucleus of my works are built around. Entire story arcs of mine are often constructed around getting to a particular exchange between characters. A bitch loves her quotables and her back-and-forths - to the point I know it's probably very self-indulgent, but hey, I can do what I want, right? - so more often than not it's what I bank most of my work on. It seems to pay off, as I've received the highest of compliments on characterizations and humanizing existing characters. I cherish compliments like that more than any other.

Oh, yeah, and I like gore. I really like gore. I find lots of writers who write scenes with violence and bloodshed will include warnings for it but then I get to it and it's rather tame. As such, I always endeavor to raise the brutality to the highest degree possible. Nowhere near where I want to be yet, but I'm getting there!

55. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics?  Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

Oh fuck me man, have I EVER. I get hooked on certain phrases that I use way too often that I have to swat myself on the wrist over. A big one is saying "X was Y and Z in equal measure," and I constantly re-use phrases like "abject terror" and "reckless/relentless abandon" and "commendable enthusiasm." That, and I also love the word "fuck." Especially for Zemira. It's a versatile word, but I do have to reel it back sometimes in order to come up with more creative expletives. Besides this, I seem to have a real penchant for writing stormy weather to signify brewing tension or bad vibes. I adore a good storm personally and always find them emotionally cathartic, so that's likely where it comes from. Besides this, I dunno how often people catch it, but most of my work is riddled with references to, once again, metal album titles and song titles. Even beyond direct references such as Zemira listening to Bolt Thrower or Defeated Sanity in scenes, I've referenced song titles like From the Pinnacle to the Pit by Ghost, Dead in the Dirt (a band), and probably, like, soooo many Cannibal Corpse and Anaal Nathrakh lyrical quotes.

Thank you so much for the ask!

[nobodysdaydreams]

Hello my friend! What a beautiful notification to receive! I always love reading your commentary on my fics- it's insightful, funny, and just all around lovely. I'm glad you appreciated the relative calm of the chapter (warning: may or may not last).

Without further ado: my thoughts on your thoughts lets get into it!

I'm glad you enjoyed the way I wrote the blueberry tea scene. It's a classic scene, and I really loved writing it (although Curtain probably is hurting a lot after all those bricks you threw at him. I wonder if the way he thinks about Number Two could be related to jealousy...).

"“ “Kidnapped?” Curtain repeated, in the shocked voice of the world’s most innocent man accused of the most heinous of crimes.” Bods, you have to stop writing such incredible and quotable lines or I’m just going to spend this whole chapter quoting your own stuff back at you"

^I'm glad you find them quotable. I spend a lot of time thinking of the best way to describe Curtain's actions.

And yes, he did make Jackson and Jillson hide in the bushes. That's from the show. They appear on cue when he rings the bell and overheard his entire convo with Nicholas and Number Two.

"Oh. Oh, they’re excited to find someone who understands how important another person can be. THEY’VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HEALTHILY LOVES ANOTHER PERSON, HAVE THEY?"

^Nope :)

And we all want to hug SQ. He deserves a hug after all he's been through.

"And he’s flying!! He’s never been on a plane before. He should get to go on a hot air balloon. From what I’ve read people say it’s kind of like being a bird because of how quiet everything is / WAIT. I DON’T THINK SQ’S EVER BEEN TO NEW YORK. THAT CITY’S HUGE. THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST PLACES FOR HIM TO BE GOING. HE’S GOING TO GET SCAMMED AND/OR MUGGED AND LEFT IN A DITCH"

^If there is a way I can get the boy onto a balloon in one of my fics, I'll try my best. As for New York, I had to send him to an American city, but I didn't want to pick a smaller one or university I've attended because that's not a level of info I'm comfortable sharing. New York is the most general. But I promise you Sophie: He is not going to get mugged and left in a ditch. There. Happy?

"Curtain was probably really good at helping tiny SQ with his fears, because he could explain it all in logical and understandable terms. Learning about the science always helped me calm down when I was little"

^Me too. And yes, Curtain was good at that sort of thing. That's what's frustrating and loveable about him as a character: he has such a high potential to be a good person, he's just not getting there.

I'm glad you liked the title. This chapter was fairly easy to title. I haven't come up with all the chapter titles yet, but I do have a lot of them planned out at this point, so I'm really excited about that!

I'm happy you like the Milligan and Miss. Perumal friendship and parenting support! Was I deeply invested in the show semi-pushing or introducing the ship? Not really, but I think that their similar parenting situations and apparent skill sets would at least make them good friends and I was surprised the show didn't focus as much on that, especially when it has both characters as main cast members.

ASDJklfjddf- I wouldn't say Number Two hates llamas, but she is displeased by this particularly llama, which she views as another one of Curtain's pointless distractions.

Oh yes. Poor Jackson and Jillson. They are going through a lot.

"(Personally, I feel like “happy” can be other colours than yellow. Like, the letters and word itself are yellowy in my mind, but the emotion is more sky blue?)"

^Okay, side note, and you don't have to answer, but this is really really cool. Do you have emotional and letter synesthesia?

"THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER EXECUTIVES. I’VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THEM."

^I actually wrote this chapter a long time ago and the only reason I didn't publish it was because I didn't know how I wanted to breakup the plot of the fic in some sections, so I had to go back and read to find what you were talking about, because I did not remember adding anything. Sure enough, that's actually a line from the show, but I'm flattered that you think I came up with that.

"I have known a couple people who eat lemons! I think a few of them might have used salt too :( "

^Lemons are delicious! But unlike Number Two, I don't eat the peel.

"Do. Do Jackson and Jillson know where Brazil is?"

^I honestly don't know. If you asked them they'd probably say something cryptic like "we all have a Brazil in our hearts".

I'm glad you like the way I write Sebastian. Writing the brainwashed characters was a lot of fun.

You’re so good at writing Sebastian, he’s so creepy and makes me uncomfortable, but also I understand that he’s pretty much totally innocent in this mess

"Oh, poor Milligan has been bottling all this up and has no one to talk to about it"

^Yeah. :( Thank goodness for Rhonda and Dipika.

"OH NO OH NO WE HAVE REACHED A VERY BAD PART And Nathaniel remembers running away. But he feels like SQ is so different from him (Like Nicholas) that he wouldn’t do that. / OH MY GOODNESS CURTAIN CHIPPED HIM??????? / Oh, Curtain was going to take him to see all those art museums :( / “How had he guessed the code in one try?” "

^Yep. A lot of emotions here. The sad part is the museums were a good idea. And when you read the incident of the leg breaking again, you can see where control freak Curtain was like "I must know where my tiny defenseless child is at all times!"

"Okay, seriously, you’re willing to MICROCHIP YOUR CHILD AT AGE FIVE, but you WON’T CHANGE YOUR SUPER OBVIOUS PASSCODE?????/ Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh""

^Priorities

"I feel like this is going to go so terribly. I am very nervous."

^Oh Sophie. My dear friend. How could you say that? Don't you trust me?

"Well. I feel a tiny bit mollified about the “walkabout” excuse now."

^That was the goal. Let me tell you, making that line make sense took some brain juice, but I did it.

Oh boy. Oh boy, of course Curtain knew that Nicholas would wander around all day. I’m so mad at him. / “Exeunt” I hate him so much /As stupid as the “defensive fence” line is, it makes me laugh every time and it was no exception in your style. Incredible /““Nicholas,” Curtain interrupted, in an uncharacteristically relaxed voice. “I’ve moved on.”” /How do you make me want to slap him so hard with only a single sentence?? You create too many emotions in me, Bods /“Nicholas sounded so overwhelmed and so broken down. It was an emotion Curtain remembered from when they were children. And just like when they were children, it was his responsibility to calm and comfort his twin. The only difference was that now he had the perfect tools to do so.” AND ONCE AGAIN, YOU MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SOUND SLIGHTLY REASONABLE. I FEEL BAD FOR HIM NOW/ And Curtain is excited to have someone who understands him…"

^I love all of this. I love it when I do the Curtain "hate him/feel bad for him/still hate him but you see why he's like this" routine. And I love writing from his POV, because we all sound so reasonable in our own minds even when we're not. Perhaps Curtain most of all.

"“It wasn’t exactly mind-control if people consented to it” OH BOY IF THAT ISN’T A SENTENCE AMONG SENTENCES"

^And the ending part: "But that certainly didn't make it right". I loved writing that line.

"And Nicholas feels so bad!! He didn’t mean to!!! He’s exhausted and upset, and that’s the place that Curtain put him in, but it’s hurting both of them :( / And he knows how hurtful that is to Nathaniel specifically :(  /AND NICHOLAS WANTS HIM TO BE LOVED FOR HIMSELF. NOT FOR WHO HE’S PRETENDING TO BE. EVEN CURTAIN HASN’T FIGURED THAT OUT YET!!! / “But the man named Curtain who stood him wasn’t the brother that Nicholas remembered. He was a stranger, one who might have destroyed his brother forever.” /PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!"

^Ah yes, the lovely Benedict Brothers angst. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

“He remembered seeing Nicholas on television. Winning awards after award and competing in science competitions, high school debate meets, and college quiz bowls, living a happy life without him” / OH LOOK IT GOT WORSE

^Do you recall your post on "Wait. What if little Nicholas Glenn did quiz bowls like Sticky?". I got so excited when I saw that. The amount of times people in the fandom have accidently predicted the plot (not that there isn't also a lot of plot you have yet to discover).

“Because he loved his brother? Or because he wanted to control him? / Maybe some twisted mixture of both” WELL, THAT ABOUT SUMS UP THE WHOLE FIC /YOU WRITE SUCH BEAUTIFUL POETRY BUT IT’S ALL SO HEART-RENDING I AM COMING FOR YOUR TOOTHPASTE AND COOKING IT INTO PANCAKES

^NOT MY PERSCRIPTION TOOTHPASTE SOPHIE HOW COULD YOU? /j

I'm glad you are vibrating with excitement from Sebastian's scene, because I loved writing that. :)

"But, also. She chose to leave home because of her familial conflicts. Nicholas didn’t really have a choice, and also we’re assuming he was younger than her. (I certainly hope that’s the case) They have way different perspectives on this whole thing / I might argue that Number Two is overly cynical as a self-defence mechanism as well, while Nicholas is a bit too trusting because he can’t handle the thought of someone needing a second chance and him not being there to offer it. Interesting"

^Ah yes. Number Two's backstory. More on that later...

"AND IT’S INFURIATING THAT CURTAIN ACTUALLY STILL KNOWS WHAT MAKES NICHOLAS COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE THEN HE ALWAYS HAS TO BE ON HIS GUARD AGAINST MANIPULATION D:"

^Right? In some ways the fact that Nathaniel cares on some level almost actually makes it worse.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH / I am so, so very worried about SQ. And, begrudgingly, Curtain. Bods, can you please stop making me care so much about the people who are committing various war crimes?"

^Sophie, SQ hasn't committed any war crimes yet! /j /lh

"Afkljdskjhf He DID bug their little house!! / OH!!! YOU DID MAKE IT SO HE KNEW THAT SHE WAS ESCAPING!!!! GAH THIS IS SO BAD BUT I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR WRITING"

^I was on the fence about this, but it works really well with the lines the show gave in the beginning, and at the end it makes sense that Curtain would have stopped monitoring them so closely because he's busy dealing with his self-made crisis.

"SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING /YOU’RE CUTTING BETWEEN THESE SCENES ON PURPOSE TO STRESS ME OUT, AREN’T YOU??? /s /j /It’s awesome"

^No, I'm doing it because the show did it. The scenes appear in chronological order (at least so far). I've taken great pains to follow the show's pacing, even when it doesn't flow well with what I'm trying to include in the fic.

Oh, the poor flight attendant guy :( / (BODS STOP MAKING ME OVERLY INVESTED IN PEOPLE WITH TEN SECONDS OF SCREEN TIME) / ((Actually, please don’t stop. I love your writing. Never change))

^Oh don't worry. I don't plan to.

"Afjdsfj The employees being like “WE ARE HERE AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. ALWAYS. RIGHT HERE. SUPER HELPFUL, IF ANYONE IS LISTENING” / You have such a clever way of including humour while also I am chewing my fingernails off"

^Those lines were from the show. It was way too much of a coincidence not to be intentional, so I decided to write that in there.

I’M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS. NEXT CUT SCENE YOU ARE RECEIVING PROPERTY DAMAGE

^The cuts are the show's doing! Destroy their property for that, I'm already trying to get more toothpaste!

I have so many questions about the blimp pilot. Who is this man? Why does he speak this way? Does he know how to fly a blimp? Is he the Captain Noland of the skies?

^"Is he the Captain Noland of the skies?" made me laugh out loud.

“But my sadness did not last long because I didn’t let it” Sir, you went on a thirty-some-odd year long revenge campaign which you are still actively engaging in. Please stop speaking these boldfaced lies on live broadcast television. / “And to remind Nicholas of why he didn’t deserve it.” YOU HAD YOUR WARNING, IT AM TAKING HALF THE STUFFING OUT OF ALL YOUR PILLOWS. JUST HALF. AND THEN I’M STITCHING THEM BACK UP AGAIN. ALSO. YOUR FRONT DOOR NOW HAS EXTREMELY SQUEAKY HINGES.

^Not my pillows! Anything but my pillows! I need those for warmth! For comfort! Sophie please. Have mercy. 'Twas only a light chapter.

Yes, the Jackson and Jillson stuff is something I shared from the ask game. :)

CURTAIN IS SO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO HURT OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE FULLY LOST MY MIND CONGRATS, BODS / (Your microwave has been welded shut)

^Um... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT DINNER???? SOPHIE???

CAPTAIN NOLAND???? / “Going on seven divorces, it certainly seemed that way. And yet, even the staggering amount of alimony payments he owed couldn’t hold a candle to his gambling debt.” / ASKJdSKJ WHAT??? Bods… I don’t even have anything to say… This poor man…

^I had to include something for Noland. I didn't have the time or energy for his scenes, but he's too funny I just had to.

“that is if we can make an example of these fruit filching criminals” You write Show Cannonball impeccably asdhk / THEY’VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SHIP!!!!!!!/ ““So…just to be clear…we are banned from the boat, but other than that we are free to go?” asked Bauer. / “I’m afraid so,” answered Noland. “I’m just sorry it had to come to this.” / Cannonball bowed his head gravely. The Shortcut was a beautiful vessel. To be banned from it was one of the worst punishments he could imagine.” / I’m really glad I was alone for this part, because I could no longer contain my laughter and, in fact, I’m still laughing. Superb writing. / “What he had done would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his days, both the punishment he’d delivered and the emotionless eyes of the four women who had dared put the ecological well-being of this beautiful country in jeopardy with a single tangerine. / May God have mercy on their souls.” / I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE SHOW NOLAND. HE’S NOT BOOK PHIL NOLAND BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND FOR ENTIRELY DIFFERENT REASONS

^I'm so happy that you found that so funny and like the way I write these characters. The Tangerine scene was funny to me too and I really enjoyed it.

"And, of course, Curtain correcting him to use “Society”"

^Full Circle :) (If you recall what happens in Ch. 2)

"Oh my goodness. Just. The whole two paragraphs about Curtain deciding to use the phrase “treat them without mercy”. I’m not going to copy it in here, but I adore it and you’re a genius"

^I'm glad you like how I wrote it. I liked the line so much in fact that I decided to use it in a fic (see if you can guess which one) /lh /j.

“It was his destiny.” Is definitely not the most devastating line you’ve ended on before, but oh dear. I feel so bad for the poor Jeeps.

^Trust me. The devastation will come. As will Jeeps' destiny :)

I'm glad you are excited about the brainwashed adults, and THANK YOU for enjoying my writing so much. You are incredible. Sending all the love in the world your way my friend. 💕💕💕 Have a good nap!

Sophie's Breakdown Over the Relatively Calm Chapter 19 of S.O.S.

I... I am having A Time. Enjoy my liveblog of the disaster that I became over the course of this chapter. Slightly less property damage this time, though!

EDIT: SHOOT I FORGOT TO TAG BODS @nobodysdaydreams

Oh my heavens we’re starting with The Blueberry Example

I do enjoy how it’s like “Nicholas was concerned his brother might be delusional” but what he actually says is just “You’re delusional and you make no sense!” Exasperated sibling behaviour

And you actually explained Curtain’s thought process!! Afjsdhj And it still doesn’t really make any sense at all

Number Two and her Napkin Moment. I feel so bad for her, she’s probably losing her mind inside her head

“Even after all these years, his brother still was so easily overwhelmed” YOU KIDNAPPED HIM, NATHANIEL. HE’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT, OKAY???

“who despite his…well not jealousy, but curiosity of his brother’s choice of companionship” Hitting him in the head with a brick

HE’S COMPARING NUMBER TWO TO A SECRETARY??????? Two bricks.

“ “Kidnapped?” Curtain repeated, in the shocked voice of the world’s most innocent man accused of the most heinous of crimes.” Bods, you have to stop writing such incredible and quotable lines or I’m just going to spend this whole chapter quoting your own stuff back at you

HE MADE JACKSON AND JILLSON HIDE IN THE BUSHES?? WHY IS HE LIKE THIS HALF THE PLANTS AT THE COMPOUND ARE THORNY AND BAD TO TOUCH

Oh. Oh, they’re excited to find someone who understands how important another person can be. THEY’VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HEALTHILY LOVES ANOTHER PERSON, HAVE THEY?

(Also, I think I’d be glad to be free of babysitting Auguste too. I hope that doesn’t emotionally backfire on them later…)

Aw, poor SQ. I feel for him, being in a line and all that horrible pressure. And he’s got his little translation dictionary!!!!

THIS LADY SHOULD BE CONCERNED. WHY IS SHE JUST LETTING HIM STUMBLE THROUGH THIS??? HE IS SO VERY CLEARLY A DISASTER. HELP HIM!!!

He thinks his dad might not care enough to come after him…

He’s so scared!! I just want to give him a hug

AND HE’S APOLOGISING FOR LOOKING NERVOUS. SOMEONE HUG THIS CHILD

“ “That would be great, thank you,” he answered, happy to finally have something he could use to get his mind off his father.” This was where I heard the ominous music start playing

And he’s flying!! He’s never been on a plane before. He should get to go on a hot air balloon. From what I’ve read people say it’s kind of like being a bird because of how quiet everything is

WAIT. I DON’T THINK SQ’S EVER BEEN TO NEW YORK. THAT CITY’S HUGE. THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST PLACES FOR HIM TO BE GOING. HE’S GOING TO GET SCAMMED AND/OR MUGGED AND LEFT IN A DITCH

Curtain was probably really good at helping tiny SQ with his fears, because he could explain it all in logical and understandable terms. Learning about the science always helped me calm down when I was little

(Also, I really like the parallels with the turbulence and the titles and everything!!)

“It’s not you,” Rhonda replied, “it’s him.” I love Rhonda

YEAH!! MILLIGAN AND MISS PERUMAL FRIENDSHIP PARENTING SUPPORT GROUP!!!!

“As for Mr. Benedict, while he wasn’t taking his brother’s career change particularly well” Askjfdhjd Even her inner-monologue is so polite and tactful. (It’s okay, you can say “supervillain”)

They’re so sweet :)

I love how they really want to help each other. They’re trying their best!! And they’re so supportive

THE LLAMA

Afjdskjsd Number Two hates llamas? I’ll believe that

“As they did not have to be under the technique to remain loyal to Dr. Curtain, and neither wanted to take up Dr. Curtain’s precious time by rudely reminding him that he hadn’t used the technique on them yet, neither of them had actually had the happiness technique used on them.” Oh dear. Oh, I want to give them a hug too. These poor kids

YEAH. YEAH, NICHOLAS. I WONDER WHERE HE FOUND THEM.

Auguste!!! I am afeared

(Personally, I feel like “happy” can be other colours than yellow. Like, the letters and word itself are yellowy in my mind, but the emotion is more sky blue?)

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER EXECUTIVES. I’VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THEM.

I have known a couple people who eat lemons! I think a few of them might have used salt too :( 

SEBASTIAN

 Do. Do Jackson and Jillson know where Brazil is?

You’re so good at writing Sebastian, he’s so creepy and makes me uncomfortable, but also I understand that he’s pretty much totally innocent in this mess

Oh, poor Milligan has been bottling all this up and has no one to talk to about it

OH NO

OH NO

WE HAVE REACHED A VERY BAD PART

And Nathaniel remembers running away. But he feels like SQ is so different from him (Like Nicholas) that he wouldn’t do that.

OH MY GOODNESS CURTAIN CHIPPED HIM???????

Oh, Curtain was going to take him to see all those art museums :( 

“How had he guessed the code in one try?” Okay, seriously, you’re willing to MICROCHIP YOUR CHILD AT AGE FIVE, but you WON’T CHANGE YOUR SUPER OBVIOUS PASSCODE?????

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I feel like this is going to go so terribly. I am very nervous.

The last straw is getting electrocuted. Of course, Nicholas /s

(He’s probably not even upset that he got hurt, no, he’s worried about the children or the llama or something)

MARLON

Well. I feel a tiny bit mollified about the “walkabout” excuse now.

Oh boy. Oh boy, of course Curtain knew that Nicholas would wander around all day. I’m so mad at him.

“Exeunt” I hate him so much

As stupid as the “defensive fence” line is, it makes me laugh every time and it was no exception in your style. Incredible

““Nicholas,” Curtain interrupted, in an uncharacteristically relaxed voice. “I’ve moved on.””

How do you make me want to slap him so hard with only a single sentence?? You create too many emotions in me, Bods

“Nicholas sounded so overwhelmed and so broken down. It was an emotion Curtain remembered from when they were children. And just like when they were children, it was his responsibility to calm and comfort his twin. The only difference was that now he had the perfect tools to do so.” AND ONCE AGAIN, YOU MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SOUND SLIGHTLY REASONABLE. I FEEL BAD FOR HIM NOW

And Curtain is excited to have someone who understands him…

AND NICHOLAS IS FIGURING IT OUT. BUT HE’S SO OFF. AND HE’S SO TIRED.

“It wasn’t exactly mind-control if people consented to it” OH BOY IF THAT ISN’T A SENTENCE AMONG SENTENCES

And Nicholas feels so bad!! He didn’t mean to!!! He’s exhausted and upset, and that’s the place that Curtain put him in, but it’s hurting both of them :( 

And he knows how hurtful that is to Nathaniel specifically :( 

AND NICHOLAS WANTS HIM TO BE LOVED FOR HIMSELF. NOT FOR WHO HE’S PRETENDING TO BE. EVEN CURTAIN HASN’T FIGURED THAT OUT YET!!!

“But the man named Curtain who stood him wasn’t the brother that Nicholas remembered. He was a stranger, one who might have destroyed his brother forever.”

PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

“He remembered seeing Nicholas on television. Winning awards after award and competing in science competitions, high school debate meets, and college quiz bowls, living a happy life without him”

OH LOOK IT GOT WORSE

“Because he loved his brother? Or because he wanted to control him? / Maybe some twisted mixture of both” WELL, THAT ABOUT SUMS UP THE WHOLE FIC

YOU WRITE SUCH BEAUTIFUL POETRY BUT IT’S ALL SO HEART-RENDING I AM COMING FOR YOUR TOOTHPASTE AND COOKING IT INTO PANCAKES

Oh, Bods, you’re a genius

Writing that piece from Sebastian’s perspective was AMAZING. So incredibly clever. I am literally vibrating from excitement.

And poor Nicholas!! Because he knows. He knows what’s going on and why it’s bad, he’s got it exactly down, but he’s so caught up in the emotions (And Curtain’s weird, delusional, off-the-wall responses to life probably aren’t helping) that he can’t figure out what to do

I love Number Two. How she deals with literally any emotion? Be overwhelmingly objective and pretend the feelings aren’t happening

YEAH!!!! TACTICAL FUNGAL INFECTION :D 

But, also. She chose to leave home because of her familial conflicts. Nicholas didn’t really have a choice, and also we’re assuming he was younger than her. (I certainly hope that’s the case) They have way different perspectives on this whole thing

I might argue that Number Two is overly cynical as a self-defence mechanism as well, while Nicholas is a bit too trusting because he can’t handle the thought of someone needing a second chance and him not being there to offer it. Interesting

AND IT’S INFURIATING THAT CURTAIN ACTUALLY STILL KNOWS WHAT MAKES NICHOLAS COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE THEN HE ALWAYS HAS TO BE ON HIS GUARD AGAINST MANIPULATION D:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so, so very worried about SQ. And, begrudgingly, Curtain. Bods, can you please stop making me care so much about the people who are committing various war crimes?

Afkljdskjhf He DID bug their little house!!

“implying that his control was bad” See? This? This right here is why you need therapy

OH!!! YOU DID MAKE IT SO HE KNEW THAT SHE WAS ESCAPING!!!! GAH THIS IS SO BAD BUT I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR WRITING

Recap of what’s going on on the blimp: Milligan’s panicking, Miss Peruaml is pretty calm because she has no idea what to expect (And also she knows that she’ll probably take control of the blimp if necessary because I fully would expect her to be able to do something like that), and Rhonda is as calm as ever because she is ridiculously unflappable

I really love that she calmed the flight attendant down, though, so it made me smile to see it written out in your style

SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING

YOU’RE CUTTING BETWEEN THESE SCENES ON PURPOSE TO STRESS ME OUT, AREN’T YOU??? /s /j /It’s awesome

Oh, the poor flight attendant guy :( 

(BODS STOP MAKING ME OVERLY INVESTED IN PEOPLE WITH TEN SECONDS OF SCREEN TIME)

((Actually, please don’t stop. I love your writing. Never change))

Afjdsfj The employees being like “WE ARE HERE AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. ALWAYS. RIGHT HERE. SUPER HELPFUL, IF ANYONE IS LISTENING”

You have such a clever way of including humour while also I am chewing my fingernails off

I’M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS. NEXT CUT SCENE YOU ARE RECEIVING PROPERTY DAMAGE

I have so many questions about the blimp pilot. Who is this man? Why does he speak this way? Does he know how to fly a blimp? Is he the Captain Noland of the skies?

HAH. GET THEM RHONDA.

“But my sadness did not last long because I didn’t let it” Sir, you went on a thirty-some-odd year long revenge campaign which you are still actively engaging in. Please stop speaking these boldfaced lies on live broadcast television.

“And to remind Nicholas of why he didn’t deserve it.” YOU HAD YOUR WARNING, IT AM TAKING HALF THE STUFFING OUT OF ALL YOUR PILLOWS. JUST HALF. AND THEN I’M STITCHING THEM BACK UP AGAIN. ALSO. YOUR FRONT DOOR NOW HAS EXTREMELY SQUEAKY HINGES.

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh on. Jackson and Jillson :( 

Oh! I think this might be one of the snippets you shared for Ask Games a while ago! Either that or I’m crazy, which is an equally acceptable and probably answer at this point

CURTAIN IS SO EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO HURT OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE FULLY LOST MY MIND CONGRATS, BODS

(Your microwave has been welded shut)

CAPTAIN NOLAND????

“Going on seven divorces, it certainly seemed that way. And yet, even the staggering amount of alimony payments he owed couldn’t hold a candle to his gambling debt.”

ASKJdSKJ WHAT??? Bods… I don’t even have anything to say… This poor man…

“that is if we can make an example of these fruit filching criminals” You write Show Cannonball impeccably asdhk

THEY’VE BEEN BANNED FROM THE SHIP!!!!!!!

““So…just to be clear…we are banned from the boat, but other than that we are free to go?” asked Bauer. / “I’m afraid so,” answered Noland. “I’m just sorry it had to come to this.” / Cannonball bowed his head gravely. The Shortcut was a beautiful vessel. To be banned from it was one of the worst punishments he could imagine.”

I’m really glad I was alone for this part, because I could no longer contain my laughter and, in fact, I’m still laughing. Superb writing.

“What he had done would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his days, both the punishment he’d delivered and the emotionless eyes of the four women who had dared put the ecological well-being of this beautiful country in jeopardy with a single tangerine. / May God have mercy on their souls.”

I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE SHOW NOLAND. HE’S NOT BOOK PHIL NOLAND BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND FOR ENTIRELY DIFFERENT REASONS

Jeffers!!!

And, of course, Curtain correcting him to use “Society”

Oh my goodness. Just. The whole two paragraphs about Curtain deciding to use the phrase “treat them without mercy”. I’m not going to copy it in here, but I adore it and you’re a genius

“It was his destiny.” Is definitely not the most devastating line you’ve ended on before, but oh dear. I feel so bad for the poor Jeeps.

I TOO HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT THE BRAINWASHED ADULTS. BUT I DON’T THINK YOU CAN BLAME ME FOR BEING A LITTLE BIT TERRIFIED. Oh my days, this was incredible. Bods, as per usual, you have made me experience fantastic excitement, fear, and also laugh and feel many much deeper feelings. It’s like each chapter is a little movie. I am seriously running the full span of human emotions any time I pick this fic up. Whooooo. Certainly a rollercoaster, though I suspect from your hints that the next chapter is going to have me sobbing on the floor again.

AND I KNOW THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. I KNOW THE PLOT OF THE SHOW. And yet you have me sitting on the edge of my seat, in the highest level of suspense regardless. You truly do have a talent, my friend. You make each character and perspective feel fresh and new and exciting, and I can always understand things from their shoes. Each one is so complicated and real-feeling. Very deep and fascinating characters. Okay, I am going to go and see if I can trick my brain into taking a nap now. If I failed to communicate with my usual fervour, please know that I am definitely feeling absurdly excited about your writing. I’m just very tired at the moment. Have a good day, friend!!!

[coconutcordiale]

steady pt three (i keep all my affection in a paper cup)

pt one | pt two | pt three | masterlist | prequel

pairing- rooster x female bartender!reader (no y/n)

synopsis-

You want to tell her you know how she feels, it’s truly unfair for someone to look this good with that mustache. There’s a bead of sweat rolling down his neck to his collarbone and you want nothing more than to follow it with your tongue. Alice looks like she agrees with you.

Completely unaware of his own effect, Bradley just swipes his card.

warnings- 18+ minors DNI, unprotected sex oops, light daddy kink/bradley bradshaw is a soft daddy dom that just wants to take care of his girl this is the hill i'll die on, overstimulation, oral (f receiving), lil bit of praise kink (can i write smut without someone -especially rooster- saying good girl, prob not), breeding kink if you squint but like...don't it's like half a line & i'm scared of kids so it's not really breeding kink idk, no kink negotiation here so not a good example of what you should do irl, brief mention of past infidelity (no current cheating)

length- 5.6k ish

an- i can't believe this is over this is literally the most difficult thing i've ever written, also for real publix sandwiches are the goat i wouldn't share mine with bradley. I’m sorry the end was so cheesy I hate myself lol ok ily all bye

this chapter title is also from only for a moment by lola marsh lmao i basically wrote 15k based on one song that's less than 3 minutes long

You slam the door a little harder than necessary when you get to the rental car.

“Did you get the closure you needed?” Bradley asks tentatively, probably wary of the chaos you know is simmering under your skin.

“Closure from another person is a myth,” you answer firmly. “Only you can give yourself closure.”

“So, no, in other words.”

You appreciate that he’s at least trying to keep the amusement out of his voice as you repeat his cheesy quotes back to him, but it's short-lived because everything feels too small, too suffocating in the muggy Austin air.

You almost don't tell Bradley, but a part of you recognizes you need to get the words out. That someone else needs know about you and Jake so it doesn't subsist only in your eyes, so it doesn't blind you as it disrupts your field of vision, bright spots of an incoming migraine.

“He said he’s in love with me.”

His knuckles go white around the steering wheel, and you raise an eyebrow.

After a beat he relaxes, tone frustratingly even. “Bold, considering he’s still married, right?”

“Bold,” you scoff. “That’s one way to put it. I didn’t bother to ask. No ring, but we all know how you pilots are about rings.”

“Why?”

You shrug. Because it doesn’t matter.

“I want to ask you something, but you have to promise not to get mad at me,” he continues, gaze fixed on the road.

Even though you know you’re unlikely to get mad at him, you grumble anyways. “No promises.”

“I’m not trying to sound judgmental. You obviously loved him. But can I ask, why you stayed so long? Wasn’t it excruciating?”

Loved. Past tense. You're surprised as you realize how true that feels, that Jake has maybe, finally, become someone you loved and not someone your heart still beats for.

“I’ve never been in a serious relationship before,” you admit, softly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. “At a certain point, maybe I started to think there was something wrong with me, a reason I wasn’t worth the effort of a real relationship. Like maybe what I had with Jake was better than I would ever get from someone else.”

You hear a pained noise from him, but barrel on, knowing if you don’t get the words out right now, they may live inside you forever.

“It wears on you after awhile. My guy friends are always acting sarcastic about it, wow must be so horrible to be pretty, so shitty that everyone wants to sleep with you. People say it enough, men confirm it with their actions, and eventually, you start to feel like that’s all you’re worth.

You shudder; you’ve never admitted that out loud before.

"I know what it looks like, but it was more than sex. I’d just never felt that way about anyone before.”

Bradley pulls into the parking lot of your hotel, but you’re staring straight ahead, admission having frozen you in place.

“I don’t know how to make you believe you’re worth more than that. Seresin was practically falling apart, and he hasn’t even seen you in almost a year, for fuck’s sake. Those guys that missed out on knowing you, they’re morons.”

He pauses and takes a deep breath, looks over at you and you feel his dark eyes burning into the side of your face.

“Cali, I—if you think he’s being serious, if you want to be with him, I know it’s complicated, but I have your back.”

Any ice that was thawing around you suddenly frosts again.

“You think I should try to work things out,” you say slowly. “With Jake.”

He flinches. “That’s what you’re taking from—fuck, never mind. I didn’t say that. I just want you to know I’m here for you, whatever you decide.”

Your stomach is sinking and you’re not entirely sure why.

“Thank you,” you manage to murmur, squeezing his forearm affectionately before getting out of the car, worried he’ll see the tears forming in your eyes.

It stays sunk as you get back to your hotel room, as you get ready for bed silently, as you bury yourself under the covers and turn your back to him.

He feels miles away in the other bed, somehow farther away than he does with a flight of stairs separating you at home in Florida.

Sure, a mini vacation to a wedding (even if it is to Texas of all places) is a little intense for friends, but that’s yours and Bradley’s thing if you’re being honest. You guys have spent the last six months being a little intense and over-committed. Being the only things to pull each other out of the dark places you longed to hide in.

You agreed to come, as a friend. It’s not like you guys pretended to be dating, it’s not like he didn’t introduce you to everyone as his friend from Florida.

You’re not sure when you started hoping for more, when you started thinking there was something promising constructing itself in the space between your apartments.

+

Rooster immediately knows it was a mistake to visit you at work. But you’re working the early shift and things have been so off since you guys got back from Texas. It’s like you’ve retreated into your shell, like you’ve put back on every layer he spent months peeling away.

You smile when you see him, but there’s something hollow in it, something not all there.

He’s pretty sure he overstepped asking you about Jake, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up again, how to apologize without making it worse.  

He couldn’t help it; he saw how Jake looked at you. Understands how Jake feels, knows all too well the magnetic pull of you, the involuntary twitch of fingers to touch you. But the way you stole glances after you stopped panicking at his presence…well he’s fairly certain you’ve never looked at him the way you tried to hide you were looking at Jake.

He felt all the air empty from the room the moment you two were aware of each other's presence.

Bradley doesn’t know how to compete with a love like that.

Despite all that he can’t stay away from you, can’t spend another night in his apartment wondering what you’re thinking.

Unfortunately, that means he’s in a touristy tiki bar, politely letting a girl chat him up while you busy yourself making sweet cocktails with overcomplicated garnishes just out of his line of sight.

She’s pretty. And nice. She’s drinking a Jungle Bird which he knows you don’t detest making, so he doesn’t feel bad when she orders another to stick around and talk to him. She laughs at his jokes and doesn’t tell him he’s an idiot for not liking The Office. As far as he can tell (given that he met her about five minutes ago) there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her.

Except for the fact that she’s not you, of course.

She excuses herself to the bathroom and you make your way over to his side of the bar, wordlessly putting a fresh beer in front of him.

“You should ask her out,” you suggest. “She’s gorgeous.”

Bradley stalls, blinks twice. His tongue is suddenly sticking to the roof of his mouth. “You think so?”

You roll your eyes. Usually, he secretly loves how much you roll your eyes, the fire that’s always lit behind them. Loves the bratty disposition you manage to express with one little look. He’s always liked how expressive your features are, how he can read your mood before you even say a word.

Right now though, it just makes him uneasy.

“Everyone thinks so, look at her.”

“No—that’s not what I—” he stutters. “I meant, you really think I should ask her out?”

“Yeah, she obviously likes you. It’s not like she’s going to say no.”

Bradley hates the way his heart sinks at your suggestion, but nods anyways, choosing not to correct your assumption that he’s stammering with nervousness over this girl he just met. He desperately wants to change the subject, to make sure he’ll be able to see you outside of the shell you put on for work.

“I have your suitcase at home if you want to get it after work. Sorry, I forgot it was still in the Bronco when I left the other morning.”

When he left for work after carrying your sleeping form up to his apartment, not wanting to risk waking you by searching for the keys to your place, because you looked too peaceful for him to wake up after the flight back.

He forced himself to sleep on the couch, despite how pretty you looked in his bed, how badly he wanted to crawl in with you, tell his students he got stuck in Texas, and keep you in bed with him forever.

He walks home when you tell him you'll come by after Beth takes over, after Jungle Bird slides him her number on a napkin, hoping it’ll clear his head. Sits on the beach, watches the sky darken over the water. Wonders if he should play it cool and wait to text her. Wonders if he even wants to text her at all.

He knows he’s ready to date again after Lauren, has been for a while now, so eventually, he does text, because pining after you isn’t going to get him anywhere.

He thinks he can be your friend, if that's all he's going to get.

He’s just barely gotten through his front door when you knock, sweaty and red-faced.

“Just got back from a run,” you tell him, clearly having seen the question perched on his lips. You’re still breathing a little hard and it’s sending his blood in the opposite direction of where he needs it to be going.

The sweat dripping down into the valley of your breasts is giving him decidedly not friendly thoughts.

“You hate running,” he says instead, brows furrowed.

You shrug. “Did you make plans with the girl from the bar?”

He rubs the back of his neck, feeling awkward.

“Yeah,” he answers finally. “We’re going out this weekend.”

“That’s great,” you say flatly, immediately turning to leave, picking up your forgotten suitcase a little too aggressively, like it’s done something to offend you.

“Hey, wait, hold on.” Bradley reaches out for your arm, tugging gently and forcing you to stop in your tracks. “Are we in a fight right now? Is this about the wedding?”

“No,” you answer petulantly. You won’t meet his eyes, instead staring down at where his fingers encircle your wrist.

“No, we’re not in a fight or no, this isn’t about the wedding?”

“This isn’t about the wedding,” you reply through clenched teeth. “Not entirely, at least.”

He can’t help but let pride swell through him at your words, knowing a few months ago you would’ve lied about being fine until you were blue in the face.

It still feels like he’s taking a shot in the dark, a tiny flicker of hope igniting in his chest. “You told me to ask her out.”

You cringe, face twisting in pain like you just sucked on a lemon. “Only because you were pushing me to go back to Jake! I thought that was what you wanted. I thought—”

You’re breathing hard, but he’s pretty sure your chest is heaving with emotion, not from your run. Your mouth is open to continue when he says your name.

Not Cali. It sounds hard and serious as it passes his lips. You wince and he immediately feels bad.  

“Stop,” he continues firmly, determined not to lose his nerve at the hurt crossing your features, willing himself not to get worked up and loud. “Don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not what I was doing. I know we went to the wedding as friends, but it’s stupid to deny there’s been something building between us for a while now.”

Your expression softens and Bradley knows instantly that you feel it too.

“I just didn’t want you to shut the door on Jake out of some obligation to me. I want you to choose me, for me. Not because I’m not him.”

He sees the moment it clicks for you, the second you start seeing how the wedding must’ve looked through his eyes.

“I’ll never go back to Jake,” you say quietly. “For lots of reasons that have nothing to do with you.”

Something inside him unfurls, anxiety sitting in his stomach loosening, but he’s not done, can’t be done, until his intentions are crystal clear.

“What do you want? Do you even know? Because I know what I want.” He grabs your arms, turning your body to face him fully. Hooks a finger under your chin, making you look up at him as he tries to gather the courage to say this next part. “And I can’t settle for anything less. If you want casual, I can’t give you that.”

“I don’t want you to go out with her.” It’s as good as an admission from you, he knows that.

Dark eyes warm as the beginning of a smile stretches across his face. His chest is lightening, warmth bubbling within. “How come?”

“You’re smart enough to do the math,” you mutter, rolling your eyes. But there’s a bright, happy tinge edging at the corners of your mouth.

He’s full-on grinning now, reaching to pull you into him by the waist. He tucks his face into your hair, so you won’t see the giddy expression on his face. “Tell me anyways.”

“Want you all to myself,” you mumble, lips ghosting over his skin to make him shudder.

You might have more to say, but Bradley used all his patience flying today and his hand tilts your chin to him, lips covering yours before you can make another sound.

You make a tiny mewl in surprise against his mouth as he grips you, tongue sliding past your lips and his blood immediately rushes south.

Making a face when Bradley manages to pull himself away from your lips, you look down at your sweaty sports bra. “I need to shower.”

“Shower here,” he suggests. “I’ll make us dinner. You can spend the night, maybe? And I won’t sleep on the couch this time? I promise I’ll behave.”

Bradley sees his hopeful eyes mirrored back at him when he finally takes a chance to look at your face.

Things are so shakily composed between the two of you, that he’s somewhat afraid if he lets you go back downstairs to your apartment you’ll spiral and come up with a hundred reasons not to give you guys a shot.

Maybe he’s being insecure, sue him.

You seem to understand where he’s coming from, the tenuous connection hanging delicately in the air between the two of you. Nodding, your fingers play with the hem of his shirt fitfully before you rush to his shower, like if you waited for another second you might not be able to peel yourself off him.

He inflates with pride at that too.

Bradley overestimated his abilities, probably, when he promised to behave. He didn’t think about how hard it would be not to think about you naked in his shower while he seeks out ingredients to throw together for dinner.

Didn’t think about how good you’d smell, fragrant with his body wash as you wrap your arms around him from behind.

Bradley’s movements are shaky, and jerky when he turns around to kiss you. He clears his throat, and only just barely keeps himself from running his hands underneath the baggy top that hangs off your shoulders. “Is that my shirt?”

You freeze. “I…yes. Is that okay? I didn’t have anything with me, but I can run downstairs…”

You say something under your breath that he can’t quite make out. Your face is completely unreadable and Bradley’s body flashes hot and cold every other second.

“No, don’t, it, uh, looks good on you,” he says finally when he’s pretty sure he’s not going to rip it in the process of pulling it over your head.

Bradley’s taking deep breaths, using grounding techniques. He breathes in through his nose, and out through his mouth. He knows you’re not trying to tease him. You’re not doing anything, not really.

This is Florida, everyone is scantily clad more often than they’re not.

If he’s going to behave, he’s going to have to tap into that self-control he beat himself over the head with every time he saw you in a bikini before today.

It’s just so much worse now that he’s allowed to touch you.

“It’s hard, with you looking like that in my shirt. I want to fuck you stupid,” he admits.

Your mouth drops open in surprise.

“But I think we should take things slow. I don’t want to mess this up by jumping in before we’re ready.”

His cock twitches when he notices the disappointment you’re not trying very hard to hide.

“Okay,” you pout. “You’re probably right.”

You turn to open the fridge, leaning to grab a water and his shirt rides up a little higher on your already bare legs.

Bradley groans, head falling back to stare at the ceiling. “Baby, you’re killing me.”

+

You can’t believe how much you hated Florida beaches when you first moved. The Keys are beautiful, with endless white sand and clear water.

You convince Bradley to stop by Publix on the way back, with promises of pasta for dinner. You really just want a sub to take to work tomorrow, but you’re not going to tell him that.

The poor cashier practically swallows her tongue when she sees Bradley, shirt open over his bare chest and covered in sand, sunglasses sliding down his nose that’s pink from the sun. He makes sure to look at her name tag and smiles genuinely at her when he asks, Alice, how’s your day going?

You’re going to pass out.

You want to tell her you know how she feels, it’s truly unfair for someone to look this good with that mustache. There’s a bead of sweat rolling down his neck to his collarbone and you want nothing more than to follow it with your tongue. Alice looks like she agrees with you.

Completely unaware of his own effect, Bradley just swipes his card.

It’d be infuriating if it wasn’t so adorable.

This time you’re counting all the ways he’s not Jake, but it’s a good thing. Jake would’ve preened, leaned into smirk, just so he could see the blush rise on the poor girl’s cheeks.

It’s not that that’s bad, you know you do the same sometimes. Smirking at guys you know are giving you a once-over while you make their drinks, sparkle in your eyes because you don’t always hate the attention.

But it’s oddly endearing with Bradley, how he doesn’t seem to know the effect he has on people. Like he doesn’t fly multi-million-dollar planes for a living, like he couldn’t use that to get any girl he wanted in his bed.

He’s just being mean when you guys get to the car, flinging his unbuttoned shirt off and into the back of the Bronco and muttering something about tan lines.

Your mouth is watering.

When you get back to your complex, you snag his forgotten shirt and form a plan.

“Caliiiiiii,” Bradley sings as he bursts into your apartment. It’s a good thing you never listened to Beth about locking your front door because shirtless Bradley Bradshaw is a sight to behold. “Showered so you wouldn’t complain about—”

You hear him stop dead in his tracks at the entrance to your kitchen. When you look over your shoulder at him those plush lips are parted, eyes roaming over the back of you. You’re clad in one of his marginally less offensive button-ups (at least there aren’t any birds on it), thrown hastily over your bikini.

“How gentlemanly of you to shower for dinner with little ol’ me,” you giggle. “But I have to admit I haven’t had time for more than rinsing the sand off.”

He ignores you completely, tone accusing like you hadn’t spoken at all. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

You consider denying it but can’t fully hold back the smirk forming. “Well, you seemed to enjoy it when I wore your shirt last time.”

Bradley just nods dumbly.

“Anyways, don’t get too excited, this is one of three dishes I can actually make, but I thought we’d…” You trail off because he’s suddenly right behind you, crowding you so you feel the heat radiating from him as he brackets you with his arms.

“Nope,” he says tersely. “Dinner can wait. Turn off the stove.”

He turns you around so he can kiss you, slow and deliberate. His tongue slides between your lips assertively, hands tapping on your thighs as a sign for you to hop backward and up on the counter. “Tell me if it’s too much, okay?”

“Wait, what?” You ask, but he’s already on his knees.

You should’ve known then and there he was going to be nothing but trouble.

The first time Bradley makes you come, you’re still in the kitchen. He’s kneeling with his face buried in your pussy, skimpy bathing suit bottoms long flung behind him, lips curled around your clit insistently even as your thighs clutch his head in a way that must be uncomfortable. After all his talk of wanting to wait and do things right, it’s almost funny. Would be, if your mind wasn’t currently busy whiting out.

The second time, he drags you to the living room before you’ve had any time to recover and pulls your back against his chest in front of the couch. The tall mirror in the corner of the living room displays the absolute debauchery unfolding on the floor in the middle of your apartment.

“Keep your legs open, baby. You can do that, right? Be good for me?”

You’re nodding before you even know what you’re doing, head jerking up and down like a bobblehead.

“Fuck, look at you,” he croons in between the nips he’s determinedly pressing on your neck. Barely even a command, you still look up, watching your reflection as his lips trace across the top of your shoulder, mustache leaving red marks in its wake. One hand is busy tugging the strings of your bathing suit top loose so he can toss it out of his way, while the other drifts to tease your inner thighs.

Bronze eyes meet yours in the mirror and he grins, like the cat that got the canary. “Gorgeous, darlin’.” And then he pushes two fingers into you without warning, the stretch making you keen as your head falls back on his shoulder. “You’ve no idea how much I’ve thought about you like this.”

“Ohmygo—Bradley.” You turn your head to kiss him, but it ends up being little more than your lips slotting together and you moaning straight into his mouth as he fucks his fingers in relentlessly, your hands gripping his arms like they can’t decide if they want to pull him in closer or push him away, oversensitive as you are from his mouth.

You sink into him, into his hands, his grip. Let it erase the gravity that keeps you tethered to the ground, let yourself flutter high above the clouds.

You don’t even realize how close you are until he curls his fingers inside you to graze that soft spot, thumbing at your clit. His other hand palms your tit and tweaks your nipple at the same time his teeth close on your neck and you’re done for, letting it crash into you, cunt clenching around his fingers and back arching away from his chest.

It takes you a few seconds to come down, eyes closed as you blindly turn your head in search of Bradley’s mouth. He kisses you sweetly, but briefly and you make a noise of discontent when he pulls away. You open your eyes to glower at him but when you do, you see a filthy gleam in his eyes that warms you straight to your core like you didn’t just come twice in two different rooms of your house.

His fingers are suddenly pressing at your lips, and you watch his eyes glaze over as you take them in and suck, licking your release from his fingers. You’re suddenly very, very aware of how hard he is behind you, thighs clenching at the realization that he’s straining against his shorts, grinding against your ass because he’s so turned on from getting you off.

God, he’s so perfect it’s not even fair.

His digits in your mouth are giving you your own wicked ideas, about returning the favor as you wriggle your way around to face him. It’s a good thing his other arm immediately goes to support you because you’re pretty sure your legs are made of jelly.

He seems to read your mind, or maybe just the way your cheeks hollow around his fingers as you look down to the bulge in his pants, lips already forming wicked promises as he pulls his hand away from you. “Next time, baby. Need to be inside you.”

The high-pitched whimper that leaves you at that would be embarrassing if you could currently remember that you have downstairs neighbors. You can’t, though, so who cares.

“Want you to ride me,” he grunts. “Have to see how gorgeous my girl looks bouncing in my lap. Can you do that for me?”

To be honest, you’re not sure you can. It’s a 50/50 chance your legs will give out the moment Bradley stops holding you up, but you want to, want to so badly.

You nod anyways, figuring odds are Bradley will catch you if you melt into the floor, and he swings around so he can lay flat on the rug. His shirt slips off your shoulders, getting trapped around your elbows as you lean forward to support yourself on his chest. You’re about to fling it off when he makes a strangled noise, hands going to bring the material back up.

“Baby, please.” There’s a little whine in Bradley’s voice that turns you inside out. “Keep it on.”

That sweetness, that little crack in his dominance is way hotter than it has any right to be.

You make quick work of his shorts, biting your lip as you pull him out, his tip red and leaking precum.

“Christ, Bradley, this how you got your callsign?” You manage to mumble as he pulls you up to balance your hand on his chest again.

The bastard winks. “I know you can take it. Been so good for me, why stop now?”

Using your free hand to guide you, you sink down slowly, not bothering to hold in the moans at the stretch of him.

Stars are bursting behind your eyes that are squeezed tight against the intensity of it, your slick walls are oversensitive and shaking already. Bradley’s hands are clenched on your hips, trying not to move before you’re ready.

You roll your hips, starting to find your rhythm, and he groans, head thumping back against the floor.

When he looks back up at you his eyes are almost completely black. “Look so fucking beautiful bouncing on my cock, darlin'.”

He reaches up to grab your tits, thumbs brushing over your nipples just to make you squirm even more, before trailing his fingers down to your clit as he starts shifting up to meet the grind of your hips and it’s so much, too much, sending sparks straight through you.

You shudder. “Bradley—da—I can’t.”

There’s something knowing in his gaze, at your pace stuttering, at your half-formed words trying to claw their way out of your throat. He slows as you do, ever so slightly pulling his finger from your clit. “Need a break, baby?”

You bite your lip, refusing to meet his molten gaze, giving only a tiny shake of your head, trying to find your rhythm again.

When he smirks, you can feel it permeating the air around you. “That’s what I thought. One more, I know you can give me one more.”

He plants his feet flat on the floor behind you, giving himself the power and leverage to fuck you in earnest from below. You’re trembling, you know sounds are leaving your mouth, but you’ve no idea if they’re words at this point.

You’re not fluttering above the clouds anymore, you’re flying, speeding through, fast and hard and riotous.

Bradley’s voice is low and gravelly, but he’s looking up at you with reverence. “It’s okay, baby, you can let go. I’ve got you, gonna take care of my girl.”

“Daddy,” you whine, any sense of coherency, shame, or worry having left you two orgasms ago.

The sound that rips from Bradley’s chest at that is rough and guttural, hands going to your hips in a bruising hold. “That’s right, gonna come for daddy like a good girl, aren’t you?”

You’re nodding, babbling, keening yesdaddyyesfuckbradley— You dig your nails into his chest as it hits you. Electricity ripples under your skin, through your veins, dominoes cascading down and hitting every nerve ending in your body. It’s right on the edge of pain, body worn out and spent from tensing and releasing.

“Fuck, baby, so gorgeous when you come on my cock, gonna fuck my girl so full,” he grunts, big hands bouncing you like a ragdoll in his lap.

Even through the fog, his words hit you hard. “Fuck—please, daddy.”

His thrusts get shallower, wilder, before his back arches from the floor, mouth spilling incoherent praise, holding you down onto him as he spills inside of you.

You slump down onto him, the only sound in the room yours and Bradley’s heavy breathing.

You’re falling apart, body trembling and shaking, and you’re still on the floor. You’ve no idea how you’ll survive when Bradley finally takes you to a bed.

“Jesus,” he whispers. “And here I was thinking you couldn’t get any hotter.”

You flush pink immediately, wincing as you move to get off him, wetness sliding down your thighs. He scoops you up almost immediately, carrying you to the shower and mumbling under his breath about making sure to keep daddy’s cum inside of you.

“Oh my god, Bradley,” you whine. “I can’t go again."

The pasta is completely unsalvageable by the time you get out of the shower. He’s lucky you’re willing to share your precious sandwich with him.  

When you see your downstairs neighbor the next day, she immediately reddens and turns on her heel to get away from you.

+

You’re back at the beach when Penny gets a call from you.

“Burning off some energy,” you tell her when she asks what you’re up to. “I’ve had a lot of that lately.”

“Should’ve just let me introduce you to Rooster from the beginning.”

“Who says this has anything to do with Rooster?” You ask, even though both of you know you’re lying through your teeth.

“Nothing wrong with being happy, honey.” You can hear her smiling through the phone.

“I might actually be happy?” You joke. “Is that what this is?”

“You guys are in the honeymoon phase. Every song on the radio is about you, neither of you can do anything wrong—”

“Oh, he does plenty wrong, believe me—”

Penny isn’t bothering to hide her laugh anymore, but her tone is still soft and caring. “It’s sweet. Rooster’s a good guy. He’s been through a lot.”

“He is. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop,” you admit. “Wish I could just enjoy it.”

“It’s hard. You don’t give your heart away easily,” Penny responds like you’re easy to read, easy to understand.

Maybe you are.

“You wouldn’t be taking this chance unless he was worth it,” she adds when you don’t answer, too busy thinking about how maybe that mask you’ve always worn isn’t as opaque as you thought it was.

Maybe that’s fine. Maybe you really are as strong as you pretended to be with that mask.

That’s the thing about masks. Sometimes you realize they’re more a part of you than you ever thought. When you thought you were faking it the whole time.

“He’s definitely worth it.”

Rooster raises an eyebrow at you, having come back to the tree you’ve taken residence under.

“Talking about my other boyfriend,” you tease, trying not to get distracted by the swimsuit that seems to be riding lower than it was before he ventured into the water.

“Hand the phone to Rooster, I want to talk to him.”

You giggle, sticking it out in his direction. “Penny wants to talk to you.”

“If you think my loyalty here lies with you, you're sorely mistaken,” Penny says, warning dancing all over her tone.

“You don’t have to be worried, Pen.” Bradley looks at you, eyes warm, fingers drifting up your legs. “If anyone’s gonna get their heart broken here, it’s me.”

d a y 3 6 7

You don’t notice the date, but a year since you moved to Florida, almost to the day, you realize you’re in love with Bradley Bradshaw.

As it turns out, loving Bradley is like flying high above the clouds.