#cadet cloud still cares a whole lot

[ff7-has-taken-me-over]

Not sure if it’s cadet Cloud suddenly gaining all the memories of advent children cloud or if it’s ac Cloud being transported back to those days but!

Cloud, armed with all his knowledge of the future and knowing everything he does is suddenly faced with a choice. He can either leave the military altogether and just avoid Zack Fair and everything that is Avalanche and Shinra and lead a peaceful life while Zack leads the one he was always meant to.

Or he can try and change everything. Save as many people as he can and prevent years of heartache and struggle.

Quite honestly (if this is AC Cloud) he’s not keen on the second option. Has lived such a horribly long and difficult life once already. He doesn’t want to go through it all again even if it would be changed cause of the knowledge he holds.

If its cadet Cloud then he’d be more willing to go with the first option, determined to alter the future and try and save everyone. Cause this is a Cloud who hasn’t gone through all this struggle. Yeah he’s got the memories of what he went through but he didn’t actually experience any of it.

Didn’t have to pick himself up over and over and over. Didn’t lose near everyone he came to care about. Didn’t go through any of it. So it’s easier to seperate himself from it and try and do better.

[prismaticpichu]

I’m not very adept at building series/universes lmaooo, but there is one I have been able to develop!! And that’s a little something called Manual Labor—wherein Zack, wishing the world would view Seph less like a blind celebrity, writes an informative article on how to treat Sephiroth with just a little bit more kindness. Unbeknownst to Seph, the small act of care winds up rippling into something much bigger; so much bigger, in fact, that it ends up not only changing his life for the better, but eventually saving the planet from his wrath <3

For my own obsessive organizational purposes, I just wanted to create a lil’ separate masterlist to highlight these silly little fics I’m proud of!!

~

FF7 - Manual Labor Verse

1. How to Improve Your Sephiroth’s Day: A Step-by-Step Guide

Summary: The first fic in the series!! The one where Zack writes the article, and the one where we consequently follow Sephiroth throughout his day as he has one of the best in a long, long while.

Chapters: 6/6

Characters: Zack Fair, Sephiroth, Cloud Strife, the Turks, Kunsel, Hojo

Genre: Pure Fluff & Humor!

~

2. How To Keep Your Sephiroth Sane: A Step-by-Step Guide

Summary: The second installment in the series!! And the one where it really starts to turn into a fix-it with Sephiroth, Zack, and Sephiroth’s new student- lil’ Cadet Strife- heading on to Nibelheim in a world where Sephiroth is treated with a whole lot more care and humanity. Mumsy Jenova, however, isn’t too thrilled about this

Chapters: 3/? (still in progress!)

Characters: Zack Fair, Sephiroth, Cloud Strife, Jenova, Claudia Strife, Zander, Genesis Rhapsodos, Tifa Lockhart + more to come!

Genres: Fluff & Humor, now introducing Angst & Hurt/Comfort to the party!

~

3. Antidote

Summary: Takes place in between the first and second fics, written entirely in the perspective of a letter. The first chap follows the perspective of a young Wutain girl who lost her mother during the war, but who is willing to forgive Sephiroth and grateful to see people treating him right. The second chapter follows Sephiroth’s heartfelt, emotional response as he processes the guilt and kindness.

Chapters: 2/2

Characters: Sephiroth, original Wutain character, mentioned Zack Fair, Angeal Hewley, & Genesis Rhapsodos

Genres: Heavy Angst & Hurt/Comfort

~

4. Kindle

Summary: Takes place before the first fic and on Sephiroth’s bday, giving a little bit of background as to how Zack got the idea to write the article to begin with <3

Chapters: 1/1

Characters: Zack Fair, Sephiroth

Genres: Fluff, Humor, & Hurt/Comfort

~

✨ Additional Series Notes! ✨

• While the series is 3rd person POV, it’s predominantly from Sephiroth’s perspective. The only real exception is Kindle, which focuses on Zack’s thoughts!

• As per usual with Pichu fics, Zack & Sephiroth’s relationship is exaggerated! They’ve grown to be inseparable best friends through the events of CC, although did have a very venomous swath of hatred that’s never explored canonically

• I don’t think I ever specifically label Cloud as Seph’s protégé, but he basically is <3

• The article is very stupid lmao. But that’s kinda the point <3

The series is still ongoing, and I definitely plan on expanding it further!!! If y’all ever have any ideas for fics/ways to flesh out the universe, absolutely feel free to lemme know!! And thx a million for reading all this filler x,D Here’s a bagel for your troubles. 🥯

[babyflash]

LOVE Wally and Linda. Hit me with what you feel their vibes are as individuals, and then as a couple bc they've got big "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" energy.

omg hey :) YES OK i wrote something earlier today you might be interested in, i'll link it here

uhhhh gonna preemptively put this below a cut just in case!!! it'll probably get long LOL

okay let's start with wally. at his core, he's a very compassionate individual. i think he cares really openly and so deeply, and i think that has to do with the found family element of the flash fam, as well as values instilled in him by barry once he started hero work. he's also intensely curious, kind of to a fault? he can be rash and make impulsive decisions and he tries to be good, because at the end of the day he wants so bad to make his family proud. he wants iris to be proud of the kid she helped raise and wants barry to be proud of the hero he's becoming, but he's full of curiosity and energy and a need to prove himself. he's got a chip on his shoulder the size of a mountain, and he's stubborn and headstrong. i think as he grows, a lot of these traits sort of fall to the back burner. he still has his moments of impulsivity and bull-headedness, but part of it is when he got his powers. he got them so young, younger than barry was, and so they struggle to find their footing a bit when wally first gets his speed because he's like, suddenly got all this power and energy and he's a little scared and kind of angry and he's feeling so much and has no way to express that. i think wally and iris are a lot alike, moreso than wally and barry are, and that's one of my least favorite parts of the flash fanon. i think wally looks up to iris so much, he wants to be as confident and sure of himself as she is, she's this constant and caring figure in his life, his one indicator of stability, and she's his best friend, you know? that's his rock, and she's really the only person he's got for the longest time. when you're in the situation wally is (going off of the canon that his parents are not the best) everything is just like, more. like everything you feel and everything that happens to you is just so much more, and wally's sort of like this huge lightning storm and he doesn't know what to do with that. and linda meets him as he's beginning to level out, but he's still in a rocky place, and he's just. fully embraced his weirdness at this point. he's weird, that's his thing. he fidgets and people talk about him and he's too young for his grade and he knows exactly what he wants from life and kids like that are dangerous. people warn linda to stay away from the science freak until they realize she's just like him.

now moving onto miss park. you know the song "my grand plan" from the lightning thief musical? yeah her. she is annabeth chase (to an extent). linda was called silly and dumb her whole life, people told her she reached too far and had her head in the clouds. a total space cadet with delusions of grandeur. instead of tearing her down, it lit a fire in her stomach. this intense and deliberate rage she felt simmering in her chest everytime someone told her her dream was stupid. she's this empathetic person, i think. she's full of this righteous anger but it never expresses itself in violent ways. there's this quote (i can't remember where it's from) but it basically says that the biggest and most powerful act of rebellion a girl can do is to take care of herself. and so that's what linda does. she pushes herself to be better everyday, and she wears cute clothes and does her makeup and curls her hair and paints her nails because she wants to. people call her vain, they call her mean, they call her a bitch or bossy, but she isn't. she becomes this sort of spokesperson for the voiceless. she participates in protests on campus and writes scathing editorials about administration and social hierarchies in the school's newspaper and she fights for what she believes in because she cares, because she loves the world and the people in it, she wants to spread the truth and create change. she wants to spark discussion and debate and foster conversation because that's the kind of person she is! she stands up, consistently, for herself and what she believes in. she speaks her mind, she doesn't care if people call her loud or bossy because at least they're paying attention. and wally reads her work and he listens to her and he realizes that she's the kind of person he wants to be around.

because, what i think they both want more than anything is to be understood. they want people to listen to what they have to say and to care about it. linda rants about the ethics of journalism for hours, discusses philosophy and movies and current events and everything else under the sun and what wally does is different than anyone else, he listens. not only does he listen, but he asks questions and cares about the answer. because wally cares about linda, so he cares about what she has to say and what she's passionate about. wally explains physics theories in such a way that it makes sense to linda, and she never feels dumb asking him a question because (above a lot of other things in his life) he loves learning and he'll respond with such care and earnestness. at the end of the day, it's two compassionate and curious people who come together because they have this pull, this understanding of each other that they've never experienced before. they're a little snarky and a little intimidating and a lot stubborn and a hell of a lot compassionate and that's why they're so good at what they do.

[colossal-fallout]

First time with Reiner Braun ❤

Fem X Reiner

This is a little different. I wrote it so you can insert yourself or an OC.

  Warnings: NSFW. 18+ Smut and Fluff. 

A/N: Slight Canon divergent as Cadets take place when they’re in their late teens/early twenties. Other than that, it’s all the same. 

  Reiner had been acting weird all day; but [Name] couldn’t really blame him.  

The last time they were alone together, they’d ended up locking mouths in a steamy kiss. They hadn’t spoken about it since – they hadn’t really had the chance.  Between training and having their classmates around it was a perfect cover to avoid a potentially awkward conversation.  When Shadis announced that for this exam, they would be teamed up together, they had both internally groaned.  

Well, it was going to happen eventually. They’d had another two years of training, they were bound to wind up alone together again at some point. They’d both made sure that during the entire hike, they didn’t let one silence befall the conversation, which would force them to talk about the inevitable subject of their heated kiss.  

It was quite comical, actually.  

Constant talking either about their task, their friends or at one point even pondered and speculated if a person got a sunburn in front of a cannibal; would the cannibal start watering at the mouth?

Anything to not talk about the kiss.  

It’d been a whole week since the incident and it wasn’t like they didn’t want to address it. They just didn’t want to know the others thought on the matter.  They’d both had serious reservations about it; they were totally focused on training and not fooling around.  

And yet...

The kiss only fanned the flames of the huge crush Reiner has had on her since day one. The crush that, over the last thirteen months, had developed into something a lot deeper.  

He’d kill for her.  

He thought about that only earlier when she made a joke about something and it really tickled him to the core; resulting in a loud belly laugh. So, when the sun was starting to set and they had found a good place to camp for the night... that was when things would inevitably go south.  

“Hey Ba- uh, [Name] ?” Reiner called out in a chilled horror. Not only from the slip of the tongue, but also what he had discovered in their shared backpack.  

[Name] was only a few feet away, starting a campfire when a small laugh left her sweet lips.  

“Did you almost call me Bertolt?”  

No. I almost called you “babe”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. But we have a problem.”

“What is it?” she frowned, heading over.  

He pulled a large, folded bit of material out of the pack.  

“...We only have one tent.”

She looked at him like he spoke another language.

“So? It’s not the first time we’ve had to share a tent with a partner during training. I had to share one with Jean last year.”  

I bet Jean would have loved that...  

It was a running joke amongst the men about when they had to share sleeping quarters with the women, and how they’d lie on the very edge, all limbs tucked in and never once touching them for fear of a testosterone induced erection.  

“Yeah, but I’m a big guy.” He lied, not once being concerned about that at all.  

“Get over yourself.” She chuckled, nudging him playfully as she returned to what she was doing.  

Reiner solemnly obeyed and began to set up the tent, his frown pulling at his face the entire time.  He will not get any sleep – being so close to... her. Alone... Miles away from anyone.  

After they’d kissed.  

He swallowed hard as he fumbled with the poles, wanting to be out of this situation.  

Reiner Braun was desperately in love with this woman and he was supposed to be keeping away. If they kiss again, he’s a total goner. There would be no way he could reject her if she reciprocated his feelings even in the slightest. Luckily, their kiss had been interrupted so he didn’t know how she truly felt. He thought that if he never knew, it’s a problem he would never have to face.  

His fingers clumsily began to fix things together;  [Name] already having the fire going and preparing dinner.  

His eyes almost began to water at the thought that he was about to get her famous, amazing cooking.  

Sasha had been furious he was paired with her.  

His chest tightened and his head became fuzzy. He wished he didn’t have to be in such a complicated situation; he would just ask her to marry him already.  

“You need help?” her voice called over after he dropped the pole fixtures for the third time.  

“Huh? Uh, no I got it.” He wavered a hand dismissively without turning around.  

What the hell am I going to do? He panics in silence.  

Eventually the sun had set and the tent was erected, the two of them sitting by the fire after they’d eaten. The warm orange glow of the flames encased them cosily as Reiner sat back and patted his stomach in awe.  

“Amazing. As always.” He smiled. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad you liked it.” She beamed beautifully.  

 Surrounded by the trees under the stars and being embraced by the warm glow of the flames; [Name] now began to feel weird about their intimate moment they’d had.  It wasn’t very often they had time alone and her feelings for him remained the same since.  

They sat back, gazing up at the stars in a comfortable silence.  

“It feels like we haven’t stargazed in forever.” [Name] commented quietly. “I bet Marco is looking at them now too.”  

“Yeah, he will be.” Reiner marvelled.  

Another silence.  

He noticed she had been pretty quiet since they began relaxing by the fire.  

[Name] was wondering why he hadn’t mentioned the kiss. He’d had plenty of time now.  

Maybe he regrets it?

She bit her lip at the thought, her eyes lowering to the flames sadly. God, he’d grown on her a hell of a lot and she resented that fact. It hurt to think he didn’t feel the same.  

Reiner noticed this.  

Shit, she looks sad. Is it because he hadn’t mentioned the kiss? Should he ask her? There’s no way he would ever stand for her feeling down, let alone because of him.  

What the hell should I do?!

His brain hurt. More so, his heart.  

She flinched a little in surprise when he slowly creeped his hand across the ground and intentionally skimmed his skin across her fingers. He didn’t look at her though. It was his way of sending an impossible telepathic message of; Don’t be sad. I can’t say it but God, I love you.

She, however, assumed it was an accident.  

Ah hell. I’m going to have to mention it. I can’t see her feeling down.  

He took a deep breath.  

“You alright? You look a little down.” His usual façade of serious, concerned solider coming out.  

“Oh? I’m fine.” She lied.  

He knew she was lying. He knew her too well.  

“It looks like it’s going to rain though.” She noticed the thick clouds that were rolling in, beginning to block their view of the stars. “We should get some sleep.”

“R-right.” Reiner nodded, deflated.  

He didn’t know what he expected. His heart, body and soul ached for her lips against his again, but his mind screamed to stop being an idiot.  

As she went inside to get ready for bed, he stood and began to snuff out the flames of the fire, along with any hope he’d had of being with the woman he was so desperately in love with.  

----

  Sure enough, as they lay facing away from one another, the sounds of soft pattering began to tap the tent above their heads. They lay back-to-back with as big of a gap between them as possible; what the small tent would allow anyway. Reiner’s arms were tucked up around his chest and his eyes were wide.

[Name] had her limbs tucked away too but that was for a different reason – as always when she camped out, she was freezing. It didn’t matter the season. As soon as that sun sank below the horizon, her body temperature would drop.  

Reiner on the other hand was like a big insulated heater, sleeping in just his underwear under his sleeping bag. His heart thudded harshly against his large chest.  

She’s just there! Kiss her! Talk to her! Tell her how you feel...

 He’d been close to telling her a few times over the course of the last month or so. He couldn’t help it. Even before they shared that kiss, his feelings would bubble up to the surface and almost spew out of his mouth. He’d always managed to stop himself though, although it was getting increasingly more difficult each time.  

She was just so... perfect.  

Not only was she extremely attractive and half of his classmates wanted her, but she was strong. Smart. Funny. Caring... His eyes closed in a frown as he listed the endless attributes he loved about her in his head. He was fighting a losing battle, and he knew it.  

Bertolt. Annie. Marcel. I’m sorry. I tried... I really did.  

He glanced back and that’s when he noticed her curled up in a ball, shivering.  

His eyebrows furrowed.  “...You cold?”  

“Y-yeah.”  

He instantly turned onto his side to face her, his sleeping bag rustling against the fabric of the tent.  

“You should have said something. ‘C mere.”  

With a sigh he sat up and began unzipping her sleeping bag.  

“What are you doing?” her teeth chatted.  

“Helping you warm up. I doubt you wanna get sick and miss training.”

She averted her eyes away from him when he unzipped his bag and fastened them together into a double. She knew he slept in his shorts.  

Her breath caught in her throat when he wrapped his big, strong arms around her and pulled her back against his warm chest, heat rolling off him and encasing her like a huge bear was holding her. His scent rolled off him and embraced her sense of smell, relaxing her immediately.

He kept his pelvis away from her, his manhood already stirring awake and he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.  

“T-thank you.” She whispered, still trembling.  

“Don’t mention it.” He sighed, silently kicking himself.  

I definitely won’t be getting any sleep now.  

Her heart almost stopped when his head rested and lay between her neck and shoulder, his hot breath blanketing her skin. Rushes of unexpected heat ran down her body to in-between her legs and seemed to just pool there.  

His brows furrowed behind her; inhaling her intoxicating scent silently.  

Although he was trying his hardest not to brush his hips against her, he still felt so comfortable having her in his arms like this, like she was supposed to be in them. He was meant to protect her. To care for her. To love her.  

His mind fluttered back to how he’d almost told her he loved her before. He’d hinted so hard but she just looked at him like he was crazy, not understanding what he was trying to tell her. When he was around [Name], it was like all of his troubles just melted away. Colours seemed brighter, his worries were brushed aside and life was just... amazing. She made him laugh, he could tell her anything (almost) and she always knew what to say to make him feel better after a particularly rough day. But to him, the best part of it all was how excited she got him for the future. One that was bleak and full of sorrow was spun upside down and into a promising one, brimming with all possibilities.

“I have something to tell you.” He said softly, not able to stop himself this time.  

Maybe it was being this close to her that sent him over the edge. Or maybe it made it easier that she was facing away from him.  

“Hm?” she hummed softly; her eyes closed and enjoying the warm embrace.  

“...I love you.”  

That was it. It was out.

There was no way to suck those words back into his lungs.  

The tense, pregnant silence within the tent was only filled by the light tapping of the rain against the material that covered them.

He felt her tense in surprise, her eyes flying open.  

She swivelled around to face him, her eyes searching his narrow golden orbs for any sign of deception.  

But there wasn’t any.  

A crimson flush washed over his cheeks.  

“I... I mean, you know –” he began before she silenced him by pressing her lips against his.  

Both of their eyebrows pulled back as if pleading above closed eyes, his hand cupping her face, thrilled to be kissing her once more.  

She pulled away, her own pink hue colouring her face.  

“You... Love me?” she asked, her voice soft and sweet.  

He pressed his head against hers, closing his eyes and nodding.  

“ [Name] , I’m crazy about you.” He whispered in honesty. “I always have been.”

“...How crazy?” she teased, trying to tear away any awkwardness or negative feelings in his confession.  

He smirked. She knows just how to make him comfortable.  

He grinned slyly, looking in her eyes.  

“Oh, absolutely insane. I should be getting carted away to the asylum, with Sasha and her potatoes behind me.”

She laughed beautifully, her heart swelling with joy. Even from that dumb little exchange, confirmed to her that she definitely felt the same.  

“So, you don’t regret that kiss...? Last week?”

“Of course not.” He replied, eyes returning to a desperate pleading. “I was just having a hard time accepting that I’ve come to cadets to be a soldier and.... Ended up meeting the woman I wanna marry.”

Every word that left his lips felt like a warm pleasant jab to her heart.  

“You... Wanna marry me?” She whispers, totally blown away from the intensity of this confession.  

“I do.” He admitted shyly. “You don’t deserve anything less. It’s just how I feel... Sorry”

“You know...” she whispered shyly. “It’s more efficient to share body heat when you’re both naked.”

His eyes enlarged and breath caught in his throat.  

“That’s if... You’d want to.” She added adorably.  

“Are you sure?” he whispered, praying she would say yes.  

She nodded in reply.  

“I want you, Reiner.” She breathed. “I love you too. I want... you to make me yours. I want to be yours.”

Reiner was bombarded with emotion.  

Elation. Excitement. Arousal.

Not to mention he was beginning to wonder if this were a dream. If he were going to cruelly wake up next to Bertolt and his weird sleeping positions.  

There’d been countless times he’s imagined her utter those words in his head; sometimes while stroking his own cock.  

He’d lost count how many times he’d furiously tugged himself while she occupied his mind. But as his feelings for her deepened, it became less and less so; guilt always creeping into his conscience. He just respected her too much.

He propped himself up on his elbow, running his now trembling fingers through her hair.  

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He breathes.

“You won’t.” She shook her head. “I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to, I under –”  

He put his arms under the sleeping bag with great speed and shuffled a little, before pulling his shorts out and throwing them to the side.  

She let out a laugh when he returned to his original position with haste.  

He returned her laugh, rubbing his nose against hers.  

“Okay...” she muttered shyly. “Look over there for a moment”

He turned around obediently as she began to nervously undress under the now warm sleeping bag.  

All he could hear under the movement of her undressing herself was his heart pounding in his head.  

There’s no way this is real and happening.  

His cock was already hard at the thought of her undressing inches away from him. His previous reservations about being teamed up with her were quickly washed away as she threw her clothes to the side, before nestling back down and hiding under the cover.  

“Alright... You can come back.” She informs him.  

At the speed of a firing bullet, he turned back around; painfully keeping his eyes glued to hers.  

His arm flinched, about to pull her back into his embrace but he hesitated.  

“Are... you sure?” He asked again, not able to believe the situation.  

“Yes.” She giggled, nervously.  

His eyes enlarged and jaw slackened when he felt her satin soft skin against his, her bare breasts pressing against his hard chest and her lower stomach and groin against his solid erection. 

A gasp parted her lips as she felt, not only how hard he was, but how big.  

His arms snaked around her, his narrow orbs keeping their gaze onto her orbs as he pulled her now naked form against his.  

“R-Reiner...” she couldn’t help but stammer, her face heating up as well as her insides.  

A pink hue raises over his cheeks, not having really thought through the situation. He was nervous. He was excited. He was close to hyperventilating. 

Her lips softly press against Reiner’s once more, her fingers grazing across his scalp, her breathing heavy and needing. 

His arm snakes around her stomach, his brow pulled down and creased while his nose pushes out a blow of air, his heart hammering and his cock leaking with pre-cum. She could feel it weeping against her flesh as it throbbed and danced against her lower stomach. 

She pulls back for a moment; “Reiner. Only take me if you’re going to cherish me. This won’t be a one time thing for me...” 

He catches her gaze, lips parted and eyes still hungry. “Of course. I meant what I said.” 

She smiles - elated at his words as she returns her kiss, her hands roaming his ridged, solid muscles. 

His mouth moves down to her neck, slow and tender kisses - each one sending jolts of searing hot electric through her entirety. Reiner’s breath is deep; quivering and panting as he tries to hold back his eagerness and excitement. 

“I’ve wanted you for so long...” He groans, his large palm pushing her arm above her head as he hovers over her a little, his fingers interlocking with her own, still kissing her deeply. 

The pink hue across his face was deepening to more of a crimson, his eyes heavy lidded and jaw slack the entire time. The way he kisses her is with such compassion, such tenderness. He grazes his large nose against hers, hands caress her hair as he keeps himself steady over her, before gingerly rolling on top of her completely, keeping himself suspended with his forearms. 

He made sure every single graze, every grope was as gentle as possible - afraid of his lumbering huge form would somehow break her as they explored one another’s bodies, their tongues entwining in a slow dance within their mouths. Deep, short groans vibrated his throat and chest from time to time, and not once did that furrowed look of desperation leave his face. 

 The only sounds that could be heard was their kisses, whines and groans as well as their laboured breath and the pattering of rain against the tent. 

He suddenly stops their kiss, placing his head against hers and rubbing his large thumb across her cheek, back and forth. 

“I’m happy to just do this.” He breathes, wanting to prove to her that he really was just so happy she felt the same. “We don’t have to do anything else.” 

“I want to...” She replies, the snake coiled within her wrapped far too tightly to be ignored now. “I want you to make me yours. That’s...if you’d like.” 

He nods - returning his kiss, his top lip folding as his lusted haze results in him missing his mark slightly. God it was hard for him not to touch her between her legs. But he’s a gentleman. He didn’t want to unless he knew one hundred per cent that she was sure. 

Taking his fingertips, he nervously and slowly grazes them down her stomach to her pubic bone, pausing before taking a leap of courage - his calloused pads grazing down her clitoris and to her soaked lips. 

They both gasp at the sensation. The feeling of his warm, large fingers against her most intimate area was indescribable. And for him, her thick slick was heavenly. 

“Is this all for me...?” He whispers in awe and disbelief, his shoulder flexing with his movements as he continues to slowly stroke her. 

She nods, biting her lip. 

“Sh~~~it.” He swallows hard, eyes closing for a moment before returning to hers. “It’s my first time. I won’t last long.” 

“I don’t care.” She groans, pulling him by his head for another deep kiss. 

 As much as he wanted to enter her, he refused to allow himself. Instead his lips trail down her body, her eyes locked onto his broad back flexing with every tiny movement as his head moves, his lips connecting with every inch of skin it could find - his hands gently rubbing and massaging - memorising every single gasp from her mouth. Every hitch of breath. He would remember where he’d been when she made those noises and made sure he damn well took it all in. 

“Reiner, I can’t take it.” She eventually moans, writhing beneath him, fingers running through her own hair. “I need you. Please...” 

He instantly returns to her face, cupping it and his muscular back hunches - his free hand grabbing the large base of his shaft. 

“You ready for me, baby?” He breathes. 

She nods. 

He lines up his gleaming head before pushing gently, her tiny entrance being invaded by him as he hisses, her back bending with a loud moan. 

“ [Name]...” He whimpers, totally overwhelmed both with physical stimulation and emotion. 

He pushes again, a little firmer his head popping in past the first hurtle. 

“You okay?” He asks, sounding like he’s just finished sprinting a whole cross-country race. 

“Yeah...” 

He pushes again, her tight insides slowly ingesting him like a snake with a large meal - her ridges massaging him as they spasm with glee around him - his moans now a lot louder than before as he jitters to a stop at the hilt. 

“Fuck...” His tone sounds like he’s about to burst into tears as he slowly starts to pull out and slide back in again. 

The full feeling of Reiner Braun was better than ecstasy, his girth pushing and stretching her, his cock bending up slightly at the tip, already pushing against her g-spot as he trembles above her. With each slow thrust, her pleasure was pushed to an impossible new high, her nails sinking into his large back as she clung onto him for dear life - tears pooling at the corners of her orbs from how amazing it all felt. Like the only two people in the world were her and him, souls connected and swirling around the cosmos in the eternal dance of lovers. 

 “I can’t... Reiner. It’s too good.” She sobs, her insides now pulling in a rhythm as her coil tightens more and more. “I’m going...” 

“Oh, baby...” He groans, eyes rolling as he plunges a little faster. “Me too. It feels so - n’urgh. So good...” 

“Reiner!” She sobs hysterically as she snaps, coming undone around him as her legs tremble and head throws back. 

 As she unravels around him, her name leaves his lips over and over and over again, each time louder than the last as his thick and large cumshot explodes inside of her, his atomic detonation causing mass devastation as his legs quiver, eyes cross and even a bit of drool hangs from his mouth. 

 You are one special person to capture Reiner’s affections while he held such high walls around his heart for reasons not yet known to you. But you managed it, and god is it such a beautiful thing. 

[oneofthosesimps]

Martyr

pairing: levi x reader I nsfw

word count: 5729

summary: after a long day and lots of tension, levi takes care of you and fucks you into your dilirium

warnings: choking (i mean like you get no air at all), rough sex, dirtytalk, swearing, sub x dom

authors note: ok, i'm absolutely not satisfied with the fanfic, but i've been sitting on it for way too long and i have to get it out now, because i can't work on anything else. the next one will be better, i promise.

all credits to the artist of this pic

i hope that's right

-----

"They're miserable" Oluo says to you and wrinkles his nose. You look at Marco Bott in front of you, hanging in the ropes of the ODM gear and trying with all his might to keep his balance.

A gust of air swirls individual leaves around you, causing a few strands of your hair to fall into your face. The ropes of the ODM gear blow back and forth slightly and this small movement completely throws Bott off balance. You can see the effort and sweat beading on his face, he clenches his teeth tightly before panic overcomes him. His body can't find balance and he starts to row his arms, but it's too late. He topples over backwards and with a dull thud his head hits the stone floor. "Pathetic," you mutter, grabbing your forehead with your hand. Actually, such an impact shouldn't even happen, but judging by the appearance, since Bott slipped out of the leather straps, he hadn't fastened them properly. "The students are a disaster," Oluo says in your direction, and you nod slightly at him.

"Okay, Bott, out of the harnesses! Arlert, you're up next!" he shouts to the other group members, then runs to Marco to help him out of his predicament.

Your eyes roam over the other groups and their contraptions. Oluo was right with his statement. It's been a long time since you've seen such a pile of work. There are individual exceptions like Mikasa Ackerman or Annie Leonhardt, but as mentioned before, these are only exceptions. The rest are doing just as poorly as Bott. A long sigh escapes you.

"They are a bunch of shit.” Your hackles stand up and a cold shiver runs down your spine. The goosebumps start at your shoulders and then spread down your arms. Your heart seems to skip a beat.

"Yes, they are, Captain." Oluo stands next to you again and your captain joins in as well. Out of the corner of your eye, you look to your left at Levi, who looks straight ahead with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"Oi, Arlert, you're a disgrace to our troop. Get a grip."

"Yes, sir," Armin shouts back, but you can see the uncertainty Levi's words bring and his whole-body tenses. He also loses his balance, his body swings backwards and he hangs upside down in the ropes, like Marco Bott before - at least he doesn't hit his head.

"What did I tell you!!! Tighten the center!" roars Oluo, stomping his feet as he makes his way to Arlert.

A breeze comes up again, stronger this time, and the cadets have great difficulty keeping their balance. In fact, everyone sails back, except, to your surprise, Connie Springer, who is cheered on by the rest of his group. You pull your jacket tighter around you, hoping it would catch some of the spring wind, but you shiver anyway.

"Your jaw is tight," Levi's deep voice says beside you, and you turn your gaze to him in surprise. His grey eyes look down at you from above and you swallow hard. He's such a handsome man. His shoulders show well through his uniform and his shirt tightens a bit at his chest due to his muscles. His eyes sparkle slightly from the sun shining on his face. The wind has spread some hair on his forehead and your fingertips start to tickle. How you would like to brush them away. You clench your hands into fists to stop yourself.

"Didn't even realize it," you reply, turning your gaze back to Oluo and Arlert to stay calm. Your heart drums a little in your chest. Your comrade is trying his best to help him and give him instructions and assistance.

"To be honest, your whole body is tense". You feel Levi's calm gaze still resting on you and you put your head back and stare at the sky. A few clouds drift across the sky, white and fluffy.

"It's been a busy day, too." Your eyes shift back to him and you both look into each other's eyes. His grey eyes seem almost a bright silver. He studies you more closely and the corners of his mouth lift up ever so slightly. "Understandable, with this bunch of idiots." You roll your eyes and have to grin slightly before sighing again. It was admittedly leaching to complete the first training sessions with new cadets. They are all so full of anticipation before harsh reality catches up with them and about a third of all are sent back home - if they still have a home after Wall Maria was breached and Shiganshina District had to be left.

Of course, it was little different for you back then, but you performed solidly right from the start and made it to the top 3 of all graduates after hard training. That was also the reason why Levi included you in his squad.

Nonetheless, you just got annoyed and wanted a break from all the frustration and instruction you had to give. Being a teacher is not the reason you joined the Survey Corps.

Levi is just opening his mouth to say something when Petra's loud voice echoes across the square.

"Captain, I need your help." Over Levi's shoulder, you can see her, hands flailing in the air. Levi clicks his tongue and his expression changes, becomes slightly annoyed. You do the same. He leans over to you, his head right next to yours. His strong scent of black tea and citrus rises to your nose and your knees go weak. His hot breath hits the shell of your ear and goosebumps cover your body again. "I'll make you feel better later." Your heart starts beating faster and a deep blush settles over your cheeks. You hold your breath as he turns and walks with strong strides back to his spot by Petra, the Wings of Freedom emblazoned large on his back.

"Tch, I haven't seen a fucking weakling like that in a long time, Yaeger," you hear him shout further back. Again, a slight grin comes over you.

"Ma'am, can you help me with the straps?" calls Christa Renz over to you. She snaps you out of your thoughts and you come back to yourself. You expel your long-held breath and make your way over to her.

The rest of the training was like chewing gum compared to before. The remaining part of your group wasn't a total bust, but Levi's words left a sweet note and butterflies in your stomach. Your whole body tingled with joy and the scenarios in your head took their own course. Every now and then your gaze swung to Levi, even as you have pulled yourself together, but the temptation was far too great. And then when he caught your gaze, you could see the change in him even across the distance. At one point you even thought he winked at you, which was the most uncharacteristic thing ever for him, but just the pure thought that you were right made your knees weak again. For this reason, you were more concerned with your students, who were not very happy about it. You had the reputation of being almost as strict as Levi - but with less insults - and that although your size made you look more like a dwarf. At the end of the training, the Levi Squad then condemned the worst to clean up the mess. The sun was lower by now, it was late afternoon and the wind was blowing stronger. You walked together as a group back to the large building and followed the cadets to the mess hall.

As usual, you took your food first before the rest could strike, which you were more than happy about. At least on days when there was meat, it was always an advantage for everything and everyone to fill their plates before Sasha Blouse. Her love for food was immeasurable. After her, there wasn't that much left for others to lead and sharing was out of the question for her. You plod along behind Eld with your full plate and settle into the seat next to him and Oluo.

"What a day, huh guys?" groans Petra, sliding onto the bench across from you, followed by Gunther and then Levi, who grabs the seat across from yours.

You stare at the potatoes, meat and bread in front of you and start eating, almost burning yourself.

The others do the same, while Levi drinks his tea and lets his gaze roam the room to observe the other cadets.

"There, you say something. I wonder when it's going to be expedition time again. Time to kill some titans again, isn't it?" grins Oluo next to you, poking you in the side. You give him a dry look. "You mean so I can do all the work again and you can rest?" Oluo blushes slightly, whether from anger or shame, and slashes at the table with his knife in his right hand.

"I was here long before you even got around to it, kid".

"That makes your 39 kills all the sadder," you mock, and the others stifle their laughter.

Oluo contorts his face and is about to open his mouth when Eld slaps him on the back, "Oh Oluo, I can still remember when you wet yourself on your first expedition."

The blow startles Oluo slightly and he yelps in pain. He slaps his hand over his mouth and contorts his face. "I bit my tongue," he mumbles, which really makes the others laugh now. You, on the other hand, just roll your eyes again and are pleased inwardly.

No matter how much you get on each other's nerves sometimes, you are a family that always stands up for each other. Most of the happy moments you can still remember were spent with this group. Each had its strengths and weaknesses, which in turn compensated for another. Your gaze falls on each of them as they still laugh and Oluo still complains before you look at Levi.

Again, your breath catches slightly. His gaze pierces you and holds you spellbound. He looks at you as he slowly eats. A shiver runs down your spine again and you press your legs together. His gaze is intense and deep, going straight to your soul. His silver eyes are darker and possessive. No one at the table seems to notice what's happening, as Levi has always been good at hiding your personal moments. It's a mystery to you how he did it since you always felt caught and like your body didn't really belong to you. He was the one thing that always upset you and left you breathless. You smile slightly at him and his gaze darkens even more, making you swallow.

"Captain, how about a little break for us tonight? We could all sit down together for a bit and have a little drink," Petra catches your attention. She blushes slightly and you have to suppress the gagging. Never, never, would Levi ever feel anything for Petra. Everyone liked her, including him and yourself, of course, but not in that way. They were much too different for that and didn't have the same goals. But you had already noticed how Petra looked at Levi and blushed and bit her lip and stroked through her hair and smiled and laughed extra and positioned herself well and always stood next to him, sat down, tried to work with him, always addressed him directly, took him in protection. You were never jealous because Levi never gave you a reason to be, but Petra made it really hard for you sometimes. Especially since no one, except Hange, of course, knew about how things were between Levi and you.

"Oi, your hand," Gunther says, touching it. You recoil and realize how your hand hurts. You clutch your knife tightly, your knuckles white. Everyone is looking at you. You let go of it and it falls to the table before you mumble a quiet apology and continue eating. Speaking of which, you were bad at hiding your feelings for Levi. The others let go of you and turn their attention back to Petra and Levi.

"Tch, do what you want, I still have workto do". Petra looks slightly disappointed and starts eating again. The rest of the meal was quieter as everyone was busy filling their bellies. Eld and Gunther are the first to leave before Levi raises his voice. "Oi, Petra, take my dishes away as soon as you finished". The girl seems hopeful for a brief moment before Levi smashes her hopes. He looks at you and your almost empty plates. "... And the other one here too".

With these words he straightens up. You look up at him. "Would you help me just now?" His eyes show a sparkle again and your gaze falls on Petra and Oluo for a brief moment before you nod. With those words, he trots off. You quickly get up, say goodbye, and walk after him. Your path past the cadets is quiet and the murmuring around you also quiets, which always happened when Levi was around. No one would dare to accidentally say something that might upset him. Levi headed for the stone stairs in the hallway, down the long hallway to the door of his office. A few torches flicker on the wall, lighting your way, even with the sun still providing more than enough light from outside. All the while, you follow him quietly until he unlocks the door and both of you step inside.

You close the door behind you with a soft click and turn around. Levi is standing in front of you with his arms folded in front of his chest. He leans slightly against his desk and examines you from top to bottom. The evening sun shines through the window behind him and strong shadows stand out on his face. "How are you?" You bite your lower lip and swallow hard. "Pretty good, I guess," you say and avert your gaze, looking down at the ground. You continue to feel his gaze and you blush slightly. Your breathing gets a little heavier and you swallow again. The tension in this room is heavy and oppressive. The energy between you is crackling and the hairs on your arms are standing up. It is amazing how different Levi could behave. Toward everyone else on the planet, he was an ass, no question about it. But to you, he treated you like you were a flower that would wilt if he didn't take proper care of it. You bite your lower lip. Levi's footsteps come toward you until he's standing right in front of you and you can look at his shoes. He puts a finger under your chin and lifts your face. His eyes are impenetrable, and he can probably read you again like one of his books.

"You know better than to bite your lip," he whispers to you. He places his left hand against the door behind you and leans against you. His eyes pull you in before you close them and feel his lips on yours. In the background, you hear him turn the key in the lock, locking you in this room. His teeth graze over your bottom lip and he captures it, sucking on it before releasing it. "I'll do that for you, won't I?" A low moan escapes you and you open your eyes again. He was even closer to you, your noses almost grazing each other, and his hot breathing and warmth befuddle you.

"Remember what I promised you earlier?" You nod and lick your lips. His gaze immediately darts to that movement before he looks into your soul again. "Repeat it."

"You promised me that you would make me feel better".

A slight smile curls his lips and he takes your face in his right hand. You nestle into it and your heart flutters.

"So, do you still want this?" What a question, you think and nod slightly, kissing the inside palm of his hand and staring at him. Please make me feel good. Again, he has to smirk slightly and presses a feather-light kiss to your forehead before stepping away from you, taking his warmth with him. He steps back to his desk and resumes his previous posture there. His face and body tension are harder and his eyes seem much darker than before.

"Take off your clothes," comes his instruction. His voice is also low and hard. You look at him a little unsettled and surprised before you start undoing the buttons of your blouse. His gaze follows your movements and he tilts his head slightly. You kick your shoes aside. The removal of your pants in particular seems to fascinate him, and you swear you saw a sparkle in his eyes as your bra and panties follow the other garments as well. So, you stand in front of him, shivering slightly from the temperature difference, causing your nipples to poke hard at him and your skin to be covered in goosebumps again. He licks his lips and takes off his jacket, placing it on his desk behind him. He undoes the straps that wrap around his torso and sets them aside as well.

"Kneel down." You do as you were told and kneel on the cold wooden floor. This causes the cold to shoot more strongly through your body and you shake yourself slightly. Levi is still watching you and slowly lets his gaze roam over you. After your next blink, he rises and steps to the other side of his desk, which faces his window. He opens the first drawer on the left and pulls out something. After closing it, he comes back to your side and slowly steps towards you. You are a little surprised at what he just did since you can't see anything in his hands. He stops in front of you and looks down. You follow his hands, which reach for the buttons of his shirt, which he then slowly opens bit by bit. His gaze stares at you again, while he moves as if in slow motion. For you, it was all much too slow and with each button your heart beat a beat faster again. If it were up to you, you would have torn it from his body so that the buttons would fly across the room. But your hands remain still in your lap as you wait for each button. Finally arriving at the last one, he undoes it as well before slipping his shirt off his torso. His shoulders and arms work as he does so, and your knees soften. You love his body, he's a god. With all the years of training and fighting experience, it goes without saying that he is trained, but his cross and arms especially make your heart weak. You don't know what that is because of, but it's just a preference of yours on him. One of the many you have to mention about it. And you love every single scar from his skin you've run along them so many times with your lips and fingers. Slowly your temperature changes. Your body becomes warm and you notice how your center becomes moist. He reaches into his right pants pocket and pulls out a long piece of rope. Your breath catches and your eyes widen. Levi still just looks at you and plays with it a bit, tightens it and let’s go again. As he does, the muscles under his skin play again, looking indescribable with the setting sun in the background. Veins come out from under his skin and you pull your eyebrows together in frustration. He shines like a saint that you love to cling to so that he can keep all the evil in the world away from you.

"Hands behind your back." Immediately you do as he said and follow him as long as you can with your gaze as he walks around you and then kneels behind you. His fingers are warm as they graze your skin and he ties the rope around your wrists to join your two hands together. After he's done, he runs his hands up your arms, touching the haunches above your collarbones for seconds before pulling his hands away again.

"Close your eyes," he whispers in your right ear. The last thing you see before your eyes flutter shut are the last rays of the sun, which bathe the room in a deep orange-red. You feel something being placed over your eyes. Levi ties the piece of cloth to the back of your head and then rises. As soon as you realize he's done, your eyes open briefly, only to see deep black. Butterflies spread through your lower stomach and you press your lips together to stifle a moan. With excitement and anticipation, you feel more wetness between your legs and squirm slightly to create some pressure, but to no avail. Now without sight, you rely more on your ears and the sounds of the environment around you. Levi moves quietly around the room, you locate him at his desk and hear him light a match. The smell of smoke fills the room. When he seems to be finished, he moves back toward you. You hear the rattle of the buckles of his belts, which then fall to the floor with a sound. He loosens one strap after another until the sounds stop. You feel his presence in front of you and squeeze your legs together again. Fabric rustles before it's quiet again. Suddenly, a hand reaches into your hair and pulls your head almost painfully to the back of your neck. Air escapes your throat and you make a surprised sound.

"Open your mouth." Levi's voice seems even deeper than usual and hard, almost cold. You open it on command and stick out your tongue. You hear him smirk and feel one of his fingers, which slowly works its way to your throat. "I raised you so well," Levi murmurs, and you suck on his finger. Shortly after, two more join him. "I'm going to use you so well. You're going to do exactly what you were made to do: choke on my cock and milk it afterwards." A long moan escapes you and you suck on his fingers, your tongue playing with them before withdrawing them again. A feather-light touch brushes over your left nipple and you sigh. "I saw the look on your face earlier. How shamelessly you fantasize about such things while your cadets are in front of you and that idiot Oluo is standing next to you. How I would have loved to take his place". Your saliva causes your nipples to harden again as the cold air swirls around them. The hand in your hair loosens. Shortly after, you feel something warm and soft against your lips. Your mouth opens again and you groan. Levi's cock slides between your teeth into the roof of your mouth and he moans out too. "Fuck, finally." You feel the wetness between your legs run down your thigh before it drips onto the floor. Levi's hand finds its way into your hair again, and he pulls his hips back before they shoot forward again and his cock buries itself in your mouth once more. He holds this speed for some time. You get warmer and warmer, especially at the thought of you kneeling there right now in front of him and him using your mouth. "You're doing so good, slut," Levi murmurs from above, thrusting harder. The sound of your mouth smacking and his increasingly heavy breathing echoes through the room. You taste a few drops of his juice and your eyes roll back into your skull. Again, a long moan escapes you and the hand in your hair grips harder. Slight pain jolts through your scalp and goosebumps form on your skin again.

"Your mouth is so warm and wet. Just not as tight as your cunt, but I can change that". His cock finds its way deeper into your throat, almost hitting the back it before withdrawing completely. For a brief moment you feel his lips on yours, his tongue exploring the path his cock had paved earlier. He tastes himself on your lips and wants much more of it. The kiss is wild and he leaves you with throbbing, swollen lips. "Tongue out." Before you can take a breath, you're sticking it out at him again. He slaps his cock on it a few times before burying himself inside you again with one smooth thrust. His entire length fills your mouth, and you gag slightly as his tip sticks way too deep in your throat. Levi doesn't let up though, keeping you that way before resuming his previous speed and hardness. You squeeze your eyes shut, but tears escape your eyelids anyway. They wet the fabric on your eyes and find their way along under it, flowing down your cheeks and dripping on your legs. The more your throat hurts, the heavier Levi's breathing becomes. His balls hit your chin and his second hand finds its way into your hair as well, holding you in place.

"You feel so good," his deep, dry voice comes out. "...The way you sit here in front of me and suck me so good. Other men dream about it. Who would believe what a slut you are?" You moan and the vibration makes him wince and he claws into your scalp. As best you can, you slide your tongue around his shaft, grasping his tip, sucking on him while his hips keep thrusting. Your mouth and neck feel painful and your jaw hurts from the constant mouthing. As your tongue touches his balls, his hips twitch and he pulls back breathlessly. His cock pulls out of you again and you gasp for air. You cough heavily and saliva runs down the corners of your mouth.

Suddenly, Levi's hands push at your hips and pull you upward. Your legs are jello, which is why he catches your weight and supports you. The soles of your feet touch the ground for only a few moments before you feel his shoulder against your stomach and your face comes to rest on his back. The air is forced from your lungs and blood rushes to your head. He grips the rope at your wrists, thus holding you tight before he moves. “Levi, I want more”, you mumble and feel the juice running between your legs. He opens the door to his bedroom and carries you to his bed, where he lays you down somewhat roughly. The room smells like him. The bed linen is freshly washed, which is normal for him. The smell of tea is also heavy in the air, as well as its own note, which is that of Levi himself. “Tch, it's clear to me that you little bitch can't get enough. But do not worry, my big cock will fill you up in a minute.”

He turns you onto your stomach and pulls your butt up and towards him. You feel his warm breath at your center and your muscles tremble. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being so wet?" He blows against your wet lips and you squirm slightly under him. You feel his tongue licking once along your slit. You moan loudly as you finally get some touch before his hand hits your right ass cheek and you howl in pain. Without warning, his cock drills deep into your cunt and your moans mingle in the small space, echoing out to you. Immediately, Levi picks up the pace he had earlier while fucking your mouth. You jerk beneath him, moaning into the mattress beneath you, and your fingernails each dig into the wrist of the other arm. Again, Levi's hand closes around the rope and he pulls you up to him, grasping your throat with his other hand and biting your shoulder. You moan his name loudly and press against the warmth of his chest. He licks over the bite marks and fucks you harder. Your walls close tightly around his cock and he moans loudly next to your ear. "How tight can you get?" he murmurs, and his hand around your throat squeezes tighter. His fingers are right against your main arteries. Your air gets shorter, your pulse beats faster to push the blood into your head, but because of the pressure from his fingers it doesn't work. Light panic overcomes you and mixes with your lust. "Levi...I-I," you try to say before everything around you goes black. Your whole-body collapses and you can't finish your sentence. He immediately releases the pressure of his hand before you finally lose consciousness and the blood rushes back to your head. The difference in pressure makes you dizzy as you slowly regain consciousness. His thrusts don't stop, his endurance was immeasurable. He moans into your neck and your whole belly tingles with satisfaction. Your moans get louder again.

"Again?"

"Yes," you groan out. You hear him laugh softly before the pressure around your throat intensifies again and the scenario from just now repeats itself. The mixture of dizziness and pleasure is a deadly mix. Nothing feels better and you want more, more and more, but Levi knows exactly when to stop before he puts your little body through too much. As you come to yourself again, Levi loosens his hand around the rope and wraps his arm around your stomach. He presses you tighter against him, holding your weak body tight. "You're the biggest slut," he murmurs against your ear. The hand on your belly slowly strokes to your pelvic bones, slowly finding its way between your legs. He circles your clit with his middle finger, making you twitch and squirm against his chest as you praise his name. His lips settle on your neck, beginning to suck as his hand pushes deeper. He feels his own cock thrusting into you and adds his index and middle fingers, burying them in your creamy hole as well, which they grip tightly, and your moans grow louder again. No one must ever know what Levi does with you during all those hours in his bedroom. No one would probably believe it. How many marks he has left on your body, how many times he has cut off your air, how many times he has fucked you into unconsciousness, left your cunt sore. If Levi would be a religion, you would be its first martyr.

You lay your head in your neck and his hand around your throat rests on your forehead, pressing your head back. This makes it easier for him to get to your throat with his mouth. He licks away the sweat next to the mark before making more. "I'm so sick of no one knowing what I do to you," he hums against your neck. "I'm so fed up with the fact that some complete idiots actually still think they have a chance with you, can fuck you the way I'm doing right now". At these words he fucks you incessantly, his two fingers in addition inside you, which stretch you further and you are in heaven. Your delirium is near. He feels his way forward, curves his fingers, massages the inside of your walls. He just can't get to your g-spot due to the extra space his dick takes up and you will think you are going insane. "Even though yes I love how jealous you get of Petra. Tch, as if I would touch that filthy bitch." His thrusts get even harder and your whole-body tenses, groaning in pain. "No one can give me what you give me," he whispers. No one could give him the power he had over you. He could do whatever he wanted with you and you would get wet with lust and horniness. You were a dream come true, not just in that way. Levi loves you more than anything else in the world, even if he never says it, but deep inside you know it.

The thumb of his hand moves between your legs again to your clitoris and presses against it. A second, two seconds pass before you explode. Your vision goes white despite your blindfold, your body writhes, the muscles in your thighs twitch wildly, and you scream the room together. His name falls from your lips again as he fucks you through your orgasm. Each thrust brings sparks, his lips on your neck and his hands on and inside you. As your body slowly calms, he releases you, removes his hands, and pushes you back into the mattress. Your face shifts over the fabric before he has you back in the right position. His right leg settles next to your hip and you hear the bed creak beneath you. He continues to increase his speed, getting harder. His head settles into your neck and he moans loudly as he fucks you, finally meeting his end. Tears run down your cheeks as your body is drained, screaming at you to take a break. But the sensation between your legs pulls through your body again, making you moan once more. His hands dig painfully into your ass before Levi explodes inside you. His juice squirts into you and your name falls from his lips, giving you butterflies again. He thrusts with light strokes before gradually slowing down and dropping against your body.

He gives himself a brief moment before rising from you and untying your hands. without any remaining body tension, you fall onto the mattress beneath you and tear the blindfold from your head. The room is dark. The sun has set in time and your sense of time is confused. The light from the candle in the office brings a little light into the room, so that you can make out the outlines of the furniture.

"Better?" You hum to him and snuggle into the blanket beneath you. "Oi, I'll run us a bath, don't fall asleep." You grumble again and look after him as he leaves you alone and drained in the dark room.

[candycityy]

—shoutout to @avadescent for inspiring me to write offended-attention-deprived levi. because why not right? right.

Levi isn't an unreasonable man.

Rude, sure. Neurotic, well, maybe. He's aware of his flaws, thanks, but as far as he's concerned, unreasonable has never been one of those.

And yet—looking down at the hopeful expression of his subordinate, he feels the irrepressible urge to say something wholly unreasonable. Something like no.

"It'd be a really good opportunity," Petra says, as usual catching on to his thoughts far too quickly for his comfort. "The Military Police has never showed any interest in us before, this could be a real chance to rally some support—"

"Some extra coin, you mean," Levi interjects drily. Far too used to her captain's cynicism, Petra presses on, unperturbed.

"Besides," she adds, "it's just for a week. And the commander—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Levi waves an irritated hand. "The Military Police is in town, they finally manage to get over their massive fucking egos long enough to realise how shit their fatality rates are against actual titans, as opposed to the scum—"

"Captain."

"Criminals," Levi amends, "that they waste their time chasing after, most of the time. And now they want a tour guide to show them around. Fine. But why you?"

Petra levels a glare at him—the only one of his soldiers who'd have the guts to do so—and he feels a stab of grudging respect. "Are you insinuating that I'm not qualified, sir?"

"Just asking why."

"In that case, sir, I'd wager that the commander," she enunciates the world pointedly, "nominated me because I'm nice and friendly and have the second-highest kill count in the Corps. And unfortunately, the soldier with the actual highest kill count has approximately the charm and charisma of a dead slug."

He narrows his eyes at the soldier, who immediately schools her expression back into one of wide-eyed innocence. "You're an insubordinate brat, Ral."

"I'm saving you from having to deal with the MP yourself, sir," Petra says patiently. "You know that if you don't give me permission, Commander Smith is going to go after you next."

They stare at each other for a few seconds, locked in stalemate. Finally, Levi sighs.

"Fine," he mutters. "You can be their tour guide, as long as you keep up with your training in your own time. And, Ral?"

"Sir?"

"For fuck's sake don't be too nice to them."

Petra's answering grin is wry and knowing, even as she lifts her fist to her chest in a flawless salute. "I'll try, sir."

==

The lounge is unnaturally quiet.

Apart from the sound of his pen scratching onto the seemingly endless pages, and the occasional murmured curse from Auruo whenever Gunther takes yet another one of his pawns, there's a strange, heavy silence permeating the ordinarily cheery room.

In his corner, where he's aimlessly folding bits of newspaper into a series of increasingly complicated figures, Eld exhales loudly. "I miss Pet," he declares, morosely tossing a miniature bird into the trash can across the room and missing by a clear metre.

At Levi's glare, he goes to collect it quickly enough.

Auruo snorts in a show of derision. "What for? The peace and quiet's a nice change." He steals a quick, hopeful glance at Levi, who obligingly pretends not to notice.

Privately, Levi agrees with Eld. The squad has been unusually quiet without its sole female member, and he's on more than one occasion during training found himself looking over his shoulder, expecting to see Petra's lithe form at his back, ready to sweep in for an assist.

And. even though he'd sooner stab himself with a blade than admit it, the tea he's been forced to make in her absence—as careful as he's been with his technique—just isn't the same. He takes a sip and wrinkles his nose with annoyance.

"It's only been two days," Gunther says absently, ignoring Auruo's sound of protest as he neatly plucks a knight off the chessboard. "And she seems to be enjoying it."

"Is she?" Levi goes. He flicks off a stray bug with the tip of his pen, and savagely crosses out a misspelling.

"Yeah. An old friend from the Cadet Corps is in the lot that came in with the MP, she mentioned she'd been catching up with him."

"An old boyfriend, more like." Auruo hisses in exasperation when Gunther swipes yet another piece. "Michael, right? I remember him. Smug little slimeball, he was."

Levi stiffens. "She didn't mention that," he says, as casually as he can. Gunther shoots him a curious glance, which he ignores.

"Yeah, well, why would she?" Eld yawns and gets to his feet, stretching. "This blows. I'm gonna get some sleep. Later."

Levi sips at his tea, feeling violently and inexplicably irritated despite the would-be comfort of the familiar brew. The feeling doesn't fade, not even when the chess game ends with Gunther's resounding victory and both men traipse out of the room, leaving him alone in the quiet.

He dots an i with more severity than strictly necessary and decides to call it a night, too.

==

Petra continues to spend the better part of the next week flitting off to attend to their unwanted guests. With every activity that she doesn't turn up at, Levi finds his mood turning a shade fouler. Training isn't as productive. The whole squad is off their game.

Also, he misses her.

That evening, the lounge is empty. The rest of the squad has gone off to town for a much-needed drink, leaving Levi alone behind to tackle yet another stack of paperwork.

He's worked himself into a monotonous rhythm when the door swings open and Petra steps in, looking exhausted but content. Against his will, Levi feels his mood lift a fraction, although he keeps his scowl firmly in place.

"Captain," Petra greets with her usual smile, flopping down on her favourite spot at the sofa, "where's everyone?"

"Town," Levi replies shortly.

"Oh?" Her smile turns into a yawn, and he notes with an odd feeling the shadows under her eyes. "I need a drink, too. The MP visitors have been a handful. Did you know that most of them have barely touched their 3DMG after graduating? They're so rusty, they make Hanji's gear look positively shiny."

Levi has to stop himself from snickering; the squad leader is notorious for failing to maintain her gear, much to her second-in-command's constant despair. He has to force his expression to remain icy. Petra looks at him curiously.

"Anything the matter, captain?" she goes. He shrugs.

"Not really."

"That's not the same as no," Petra observes. Levi casts her a dark glare.

"Insubordinate," he mutters. "Just...hasn't been the best week."

"Because of me?"

Levi stares down at his paperwork.

"Maybe," he finally replies. Still refusing to meet her gaze, he asks, casually, "So, did anything exciting happen?"

He's still not looking at her, but he can hear the frown in her voice as she shakes her head. "Not really."

"That's not the same as no," Levi echoes. His subordinate rolls her eyes good-naturedly.

"One of my old squadmates, back in the cadet corps, was being annoying throughout," she admits. Levi tries to keep his expression composed, even as something in his chest seems to lift, for whatever reason.

She clears her throat, seemingly eager to move on to the next topic. "Apart from that, the most exciting thing was probably seeing the captain of the MP almost lose his lunch after we showed him Hanji's lab."

Levi finally allows himself to snort. "Shitheads."

"Shitheads," Petra agrees. Her lips quirk into a tentative smile. "I missed the squad, though."

It's phrased like a sentence but sounds more like a question.

He makes the mistake of looking at her. Her cheeks are red, and there's a light in her eyes that seems nervous, almost shy. Yet she meets his gaze with a kind of determination. Questioning. Hopeful.

It's an unusual look for the girl who cuts down titans without batting an eyelid. Something in the back of mind tells him that her words are layered, but he forces himself to focus on the outside.

"The squad wasn't the same without you," Levi finally replies. It's not nearly enough, even he knows that.

Still, it's sufficient to make her whole countenance brighten and her smile shift into something different, whole. He realises belatedly that the dark, irritated cloud that has persisted in the back of his mind for the past week has dissipated almost entirely.

He shoves away the realisation quickly. Petra just smiles at him, seeming to know his thoughts before he can even begin to wonder at them. As usual.

"It's good to be back, captain," she says softly.

"Good to have you back, Ral."

[ackermanslov4r]

So I have a dose of angst mixed with fluff.

The 57th expedition left Levi's squad destroyed. So what's you take, Headcanon or imagine, on Levi's S/O disappearing during that expedition only to meet the others on the way back to the wall?

-« Captain ! Captain please we have to go ,we can’t stay here! »

Levi,panick and pain visible on his eyes,slowly turned to face the cadet. He was surrounded by the dead bodies of his comrades,his squad . Once again,he lost people . It wasn’t the first time and probably wouldn’t be the last,but ,god,why was it still so difficult ? Couldn’t he at least get used to it ?

But what was making him suffer the most was the fact that you weren’t there . He hated himself for getting his eyes of you,letting you out of his sight. Maybe if he had been as protective as he was used to,it wouldn’t have happened. You will still be there ,he wouldn’t be looking for you everywhere,asking people if they saw you.

Loosing his comrades was already difficult,he couldn’t loose you two . He won’t survive it.

-«  Captain...please. Y/n isn’t here,we searched almost everywhere in the forest,but now we really have to go. »

With a shaky hand,levi slowly buried his face in his hands,and took a deep breath. After a few seconds,he looked up to the cadet,his usual cold expression finally back.But you could tell that he was hurting by the look on his eyes.

« Fine. Let’s go. »

It was the most difficult words levi ever said. He just wanted to look for you,to destroy that forest,the world ,just to know where you were and how you were feeling . But he couldn’t . He knew it. And,even if he felt like it was the worst idea of his life,he followed the cadet and met again with the last members of the scouts still alive .

——-

The expedition had been an horrible disaster.Almost everyone was injuried. Levi quickly looked at everyone,and even if everything was blurry because of how fast the horses were going,he was able to see how many people were covered in blood. Was it theirs ? Or was it the blood of a fallen comrades? Or...could it be your blood ?

He tried his best to keep a straight face,but the storm inside of him wasn’t making it easy. He felt like his heart was being walked on,or stabbed with a knife. He never felt such pain. It was like the whole world turned grey in only a few seconds. He wanted to scream,cry , even kill people ,just to try to make the reduce the pain.

The walls were in sight now. « I’ll never be able to find y/n again now. They’re lost for ever...I... »

His eyes got bigger ,and his heart started beating faster. Right here ,next to a three ,he could see something that looked like a human.A human with the scouts uniform. Someone that had your hair,your face ...Someone that was the person he thought he had lost for ever .

“Captain Ackerman! Y/n ! Y/n is here !” shouted a cadet who had just jumped of his horse to go next to you.

Levi ,while everyone slowed their horse,went next to you,almost running. He stopped keeping a straight face the moment he saw you,and he actually didn’t care about what other were thinking. You were here,you didn’t die in the forest !

“Are they...”he started,the relief he felt when he saw you slowly letting place to this fear...the fear that you were dead.

“They...They lost a lot of blood,and I don’t know how they did to get back to the walls but... they’re still breathing . They’re alive Captain. Safe.”

Safe.Alive. It was unbelievable,but it was true. Levi took you in his arm. You had passed out,but you were still breathing. You were still alive.

He repeated it to himself ,slowly coming to the realization that he wasn’t alone anymore. Actually he never was . You kept your promise of staying alive.

His eyes watered ,and he tried his best to not cry in front of the others scouts . He put you on his horse ,climbed on it,made sure you were alright and ,as fast as he could ,took you to the nearest doctor.

Everything was alright . Even after all the deaths the scouts suffered today,levi was almost floating on a cloud because of how happy he was to see you,to be able to hold you.The two of you still had a lot of time to spend together ,and he was going to make sure to enjoy every single seconds of it .

“I love you ,he said in a whisper ,before giving you a small kiss on the forehead “

i kinda hate this :( hope it’s still good

[your-wings-of-freedom]

Nightmares (Levi x Reader)

Authors Note: Here we go sweetness. I’m awfully sorry it took so long! I had actually planned to do a Levi x Nightmare fic so when it became my first request, you bet I fangirled harder than ever before! I hope you don’t mind that I added my small original idea to yours. If you don’t like, I can always write up a slightly different scenario ^^”  First Levi x Reader fic. Yikes.

Word Count: 5,542 (Sorry!)

Summary: You scream out into the middle of the night from a nightmare, nearly waking the whole squad. As your captain and being someone he cares about, he does his best to calm you down.

You watched as Levi swung gracefully through the air despite being covered in titan blood, only for the wires of his ODM gear to be yanked by greedy hands, rendering helpless. You were too far to reach him. Your ziplined through the trees, screaming for his name. No matter how fast you flew, you weren’t fast enough. Multiple sets of hands fought over Levi, tear him limb from limb. His cries were mixed with yours as you screamed for him. Having reached him just as his eyes made contact with yours before the rest of his body became titan food. “NOOO! LEVI!” Your blood curdling scream echoed throughout the forest, and the chill of the room where your nightmare took place. Everyone, particularly in the Survey Corps have seen horrors to the extreme, and because of that, each cadet suffers with nightmares where it has them screaming out into the night. There’s no judgement or annoyance from those who share a room. It’s probably best that they did since it allows them to have someone there to comfort them. Despite taking up quarters in a building that had more than enough rooms to spare, some cadets still preferred to bunk with each other. You preferred to have a room to yourself if it was available. A lot of it had to do with the fact that you and Levi had grown closer and late-night visits became a thing. Particularly after a brutal mission that, not only left you a complete mess, but would have some sort of impact on Levi where his usual coping method of secluding himself to his room didn’t work.

Your room was never too far from where his office is. The man barely slept and would often spend the majority of his night catching up on paperwork, or making himself a cup of tea. Any small amount of sleep he did get, it was mostly just him nodding off in his chair, having not realized that sleep had overcome him.

Despite how late it was, it was still early in the night for Levi. His night went as per normal. Always staying up until the last member of his squad retired for the night. He may look like a ruthless asshole to nearly everybody else, but he’s not so bad once you get to know him. He’s strict, and firm, with certain things. But he’ll always join his comrades for meals, he’ll always sit and have a cup of tea with them, talk to them. He’s really not that bad.

He made another cup of tea and took it up to his office where a small pile of paperwork was waiting for him. Tch. He wasn’t a huge fan of paperwork. Particularly the reports that had to be completed from unsuccessful commissions; the field report that required details of what happened, what went wrong. There was the death reports of all the soldiers that had died and Levi had to sign off on it before sending letters to the families. He’d much prefer Erwin do this part of the job since he’s the Commander, but Levi doesn’t quite trust the man to do it with the weight of the burden he ought to rightfully carry. For Levi, he felt it’s the least he could do for those who gave their lives to save humanity.

Luckily tonight wasn’t one of those nights where it was a haunting and grim reminder of what would have occurred only hours before. Rather, the paperwork was dull and boring. Of course, he’d much rather that than the alternative. 

Cup and saucer gently placed on his desk, he sat down and glared at the pile of paperwork before deciding to procrastinate just a little bit more by taking his first sip of his tea, choosing to relish in the liquid for just another moment longer. An hour or so went by and he had finally signed off on the last piece of paper. How the hell he got through reading Hanji’s report without the need to stab himself in the eyes with his pen is beyond him. Slamming the piece of paper down on the top of the small pile of papers, he stood up from his chair and pulled the pile to him, tapping them into a neat pile before placing them in a manila file, ready to be sent back to Erwin in the morning.

It’s probably past midnight by now… the moon shone brightly, helping to illuminate the dimly lit room further. The night sky littered with stars … and not a cloud in sight, Levi’s come to notice as his footsteps took him to stand by the window and gaze out. It was a summer’s evening but there seemed to be a slight breeze in the air as the silhouette of the tree leaves could be seen swaying slightly.

 This small moment of peace was interrupted by the sound of his name being screamed in a terrifying manner not far from his office. His head sharply whipped around, bangs to sway harshly with his sudden movement.

Quick strides had him yanking his door open to already seeing a few members of his squad wearily stepping out of their rooms and into the hall as they made their way in the same direction that Levi was heading. He heard his name being called in half greeting, half question but he didn’t have time to tell them that he’s got in under control, not when you’re still screaming at the top of your lungs for him.

As soon as he opened the door, he saw your body writhing beneath the blankets and he didn’t waste a second by stepping into your room and immediately sitting on the edge of the bed. He didn’t miss your features being contorted into a face full of pure terror and pain. He didn’t want to know what the hell was playing out in your head, whatever it was, it must be worse than their own reality. Because even amongst the horrors and deaths they’ve faced, he’s never seen you look so scared before. 

It reminds him of the moment he lost Isabel and Furlan… but this seems far worse. Hands were placed on your shoulders and his voice sharp with authority tried to be heard over your screams, “Y/N! Wake up! Y/N! C’mon, I need you to wake up…” You weren’t known to be a heavy sleeper. At least, not this heavy. It took a while for Levi to wake you up, even him raising his voice to be heard over your relentless screams. Not that it was a competition, but you definitely won ‘Nightmare of the Year’, even Levi hasn’t seen a reaction this intense, not from him, and as far as he knows, not from the rest of the members of his squad either. You heard Levi call out to you, which was impossible because you just saw the last of him disappear into the titan’s mouth. Your traumatized mind must be playing such cruel tricks on your mind. All you could do was watch the titan finish devouring the man you’ve come to care about, the man you’ve come to…well… love. You can hear his voice calling your name again, as the titan’s bloodstained grin stared at you, taunting you in a way. You felt your face contort into something terrifying as you screamed with the heartache of losing the one you loved. That scream carried over when you woke up, not realizing it was you who was screaming into the dark room. It only turned into a scream of panic as you felt a pair of hands gripping your shoulders, and that’s when you fought against the constriction of the sheets that held your body day, panicking like a tortured animal. Your mind hadn’t quite caught up to reality just yet. The scream died from your lips and panicked, frightened whimpers filled the room instead. To be honest, Levi hadn’t expected such a violent reaction upon waking you up. His hands were knocked from your shoulders in your sudden state of panic as you desperately tried to crawl away from him but the writhing in your sleep had caused you to become too tangled up in your sheets. “Hey. Hey! Take it easy. Just a nightmare.” His voice deep and firm, hoping to ground you back to reality at least. His hand hovered in midair as though he was trying to calm down a frightened animal. Finally you were brought back down to reality and you stopped moving, frightened gaze settled on the face you just saw being eaten. You tried to swallow down the whimper that was caught in your throat but failed to do so and you could only close your eyes momentarily in embarrassment. Though you immediately regret doing so, because the moment you did, you were flooded with the same scenes again and your eyes flung open as another state of panic gripped you. “N-No. No. No. I can’t… I can’t get out… I can’t…” your breathing coming out in shaky breaths, the panic had risen to borderlining a panic attack as your chest tightened in fear and your lungs refusing to work properly. Your hands clawed at the sheets, trying to get yourself free from the grips that reminded you too much of seeing Levi gripped in a Titan’s hold. Levi sprung into action as he moved off the bed, gripping the sheets and tugged them back and forth to loosen their bind on you. Once there was an opportunity, you immediately sprung free and made a beeline for the other side of your room. You could finally breathe.

You inhaled deeply but another whimper-like gasp (something that sounds like a ‘nngh’ from the back of your throat) sounded as you took a deep breath. Your hands rested on your thighs as you hunched over, catching your breath.

Levi watched you spring out of bed and try to compose yourself. He understood how nightmares worked. On the odd occasion that he had them, some had left him springing up from his chair. So he understood this moment was pivotal in the need to have some space. He watched as you crouched down with a long, but still shaky, exhale, muttering a ‘shit’ as you braced yourself with your elbows on your thighs, fingers clasping together, thumbs crisscrossing too, and forehead pressing against the base of your thumb where it curves into the palm. It took everything in him not to walk over to you and physically help you through it. He couldn’t even place a hand on your shoulder. Not with everyone ogling at the door. It was probably already suspicious enough that he was the one in this room with you – but, he’s your Captain and the way you had screamed out into the night was not something that he could ignore. It’s no different to when he and Eren stole a couple of moments of privacy to talk one-on-one, right? Grey eyes snapped back to the few members of his squad that had gathered at the door in concern for their terror-stricken comrade. “Alright, show’s over. Back to bed.” The order was given before grey eyes snapped to Eren and bore into his green eyes that widened as soon as Levi barked his name, “Eren go downstairs and make some tea. Don’t fuck it up.” “Sir!”

He waited for everyone to disperse before he took a few steps over to where you were. “Must’ve been a fucked-up nightmare.” You heard his footsteps stop a little bit before you, but you didn’t lift your head. Not just yet. You needed to calm your nerves down, because right now, it felt like it was more than just your heart beating wildly. It felt like every part of your body was throbbing. Including your eardrum, which you’re surprised you could even Levi’s voice over the sound of whatever the pressuring sound in your ears was. “Yeah.” “Want to talk about it?” “No.”

Levi hummed lowly as he closed the rest of the gap between you both, you still didn’t lift your head. He could hear you taking long, careful, steady breaths, immediately recognizing it as a grounding technique. He remained quiet, not wanting to interrupt whatever progress you made with yourself, so he opted to quietly place a hand on your back in a form of some physical reassurance. That’s when he noticed how damp your pyjama’s were. Tch. Eyes snapped over to the mess of your bed in the dim light of the room and he knew immediately what he had to do; change the sheets. It might seem trivial, but even if he didn’t realise it himself, it was far more beneficial to do so in a situation like this. Imagine waking from a nightmare, and then reentering the same messy, sweat-soaked bed again? It’s practically an invitation for another nightmare. While Levi’s reasons lied with the fact it was disgusting to be sleeping on sweat-soaked sheets, the other benefits was a fresh set of sheets, freshly made bed, which should help equal a fresh reset of the mind for the remainder of the night.

“I’ll be back.” Levi murmured as he stood up and fingers trailed off your back. You immediately missed the warmth of his reassuring touch; you missed the calm demeanor he held despite not being the type of guy to mollycoddle you in moments of likes these. You almost whined when he left… no, not whined, begged. You almost begged him to not leave you alone. Luckily that pathetic noise caught in your throat before it could make itself known. You already looked pathetic enough, you didn’t need to sound pathetic on top of it. It’s just adding salt to the wounds. You heard Levi enter back in your room just as quickly as he left it. You heard him place something down; it sounded soft but firm, but you couldn’t make out what it could be. And then you heard the distinct sound of sheets being yanked off the bed. What on earth…?

When you felt like you could lift your head from the heaviness of the fog that shrouded your mind, your eyes opened to Levi changing the sheets on your bed. “Uh, Levi? Y-you don’t have to…” He didn’t even turn around, not even when you stammered slightly. “Tch. Just change into some new nightwear.” You bit your lip, contemplating whether or not there’s any actual need for you to change your nightwear. They’ll dry. It’s not like your drenched in sweat. Suppose to Levi’s cleaning standards, you probably already are. Hearing no movement from you behind him, he added “I won’t look, brat. Just get changed into something clean.” and there was the confirmation that this came down to Levi’s strict hygiene. It could have been worse. He could have ordered you to take a shower or bath as well. You stood up, shakily so to the point where you stumbled a little on your footing before you began to walk over to your drawers and retrieved a new set of nightwear out. You entire being trembled. You weren’t physically shaking on the outside, but you were definitely shaking on the inside. If that made sense? Your hands were the only thing that physically trembled as you changed as quick as you could while Levi had his backed turned. You didn’t even think about your bedroom door being left open and other members (or eren with the tea) could easily have walked in! Though at this point you were too mentally exhausted to deal with the embarrassment of all that. “Uhm..” You awkwardly stood there, completely changed into new attire (it felt much more comfortable, admittedly, now that your damp clothes weren’t sticking to your back), holding your damp clothes in a semi-neat bundle in your hands. Levi stood from straightening the blanket out, pulling back the blankets neatly in the corner, leaving it there as an invitation for you to get back in bed with crisp, dry sheets. He cautiously glanced over his shoulder before he turned to face you, making sure you were decent. He bundled the sheets in his hands and grabbed your nightwear from you as well. His fingers brushing against yours, causing you to meet his steely gaze. You were surprised to see a firmness to them, as though he were silently relaying something to you. You didn’t know what, but it made you feel like you should take a deep breath and trust in him. It was one of those knowing looks.

And with that, Levi left the room with your damp clothes and sheets. Suddenly your room felt colder, you felt colder. Your hands came up and hugged your arms as you glanced around the empty room before your orbs landed on the window. You couldn’t see much outside. Just the stars and the silhouette of the trees. In the daylight, it was an open field of just greenery. Grass for miles, trees, blue sky, flowers blooming. Things that one could take pleasure in but also have that trampled and slipped through your fingers in seconds, just like Levi did with those titans that plagued your dreams. In that moment, you were thrusted back into that vision; the darkness that had you screaming out for Levi. The colours of your world tainted in blood and flesh. His own screams matching yours. You hadn’t realized how rapidly the panic arose within you until you were struggling to breathe and you felt a pair of hands clasp over your wrists, which were resting on your forehead, your fingers curled in the air slightly. At some point you had pressed yourself back against the wall and slid down back into a crouching position again. Slender finger curled around your wrists and tugged them down, “Y/N!” Levi wasn’t even gone a full two minutes as he walked from one end of the building to the other, to dispose of your damp sheets and nightwear. He didn’t think you could get any worse than when you were slightly unresponsive from earlier, so he didn’t think it would be a problem to leave you on your own for a moment or so. It was when he walked down the hallway, back to your room, that he heard those struggling whimpers. The type of sound where you struggle to breathe in between trying to force down the uprising hysteria. (In your case, panic). “Hey.” His low, firm voice called out, losing the iciness that was usually toned in his speech. He got no response from you except to watch you bump yourself against the wall and slide down on legs that couldn’t seem to support your weight. “Y/N.” Footsteps brought Levi over to you but you still didn’t seem to acknowledge him. It wasn’t until he crouched down in front of you and pulled your wrists away from your face, that you finally acknowledged him. Your E/C orbs glanced at his stormy grey ones, his head ducked to be in your line of view, nothing but concern showing through those orbs of his despite the stoic expression he wore. You were on the verge of tears for various reasons. Mostly because you felt so helpless with your feelings, thoughts and emotions. It was overwhelming. You’ve never had a nightmare that affected you so. Levi said nothing. He continued to hold your wrists firmly, gaze locked on yours. What could he say to make it better for you? Nothing, really, except to validate your feelings and even then, it feels useless to do so. Instead, he just quietly held your gaze, quietly grounding you again. You held his gaze back, latching on to it as though it were a lifeline to you. Perhaps he could see that, hence why he hadn’t let go of your wrists nor moved away from you. He intended to stay until he knew for certain that you were going to be alright. The lack of verbal reassurance didn’t bother you overly. You knew he was a man of action rather than words – as the saying goes ‘actions speak louder than words’ and how fitting that seemed to describe him. He didn’t even pull away when Eren came by with the tea. “Uh Captain Levi, sir? I got the teas you wanted.” Levi gave you a slight nod, hopefully successfully relaying that he’s going to break eye contact but he’s still here. His grey eyes left yours to look over his shoulder at Eren who carried a small tray with two teas. “Put it on the table.” Levi gave the simple order. Eren nodded in response and carefully walked the tray over, placing it down on the bedside table. “Anything else, sir?” “That’s all. Go back to bed. You lot have an early start tomorrow.” Another nod from Eren, “Goodnight sir. Goodnight Y/N.” his green eyes cast over your slightly distraught form, breathing back under control again. “Goodnight. Sorry I woke you.” You murmured barely above a whisper. But you heard Eren hum in response, had you looked up you would have seen your friend’s face full of concern, but you kept your eyes downcast.

 Eren seemed hesitant to leave you but you were in the hands of Levi, and even though he might not be the most emotionally supportive person, or appear to be, he’s still the safest person to leave you with. Footsteps quietly retreated as Eren headed back to bed. He might still be naïve in his young age, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew there was something there between you and Levi. While you both weren’t publicly lovey-dovey, nor were you behind close doors, there still seemed to be the silent connection between the two of you. Kind of like how Petra, Oluo and the rest of the ‘Levi Squad’ had the silent understanding of they worked together.

Levi watched Eren leave the room before he turned his attention to you, expecting to meet your gaze but your head was ducked out of his view. His fingers uncurled their grip from your wrist but didn’t let go entirely. They trailed over your skin until he gripped your hands in his, fingers curling over your palm instead. Your own fingers curled lightly against his. At least it was some sort of acknowledgement, he was content to settle with that. Bare minimums, it was better than nothing. “Your tea’s going cold and that shit’s expensive. Come on.” He gave a small tug to your hands, hinting for you to stand up and move to the bed. He didn’t mind you were in a sulky mood, but he’d rather you sulk in bed rather than on the dirty floor. Standing up, he felt you move slightly, and with his help, you were standing upright. You could still feel your body trembling violently internally. If given any food, you likely would have thrown it up. You stumbled in your footing and Levi’s quick reflexes had his hands reaching out to balance you. “Easy.” He murmured in a gentle warning, this time he kept his grip on you as he guided you to bed. Grey eyes bore into your frame, taking in your features, your current state. He wondered if something else was going on with you other than the nightmare. Feeling ill, perhaps? You looked far more paler than when he left you to change your sheets. He pushed the blankets back just a little further so you could climb in bed without needing to squish yourself up in order to get beneath the blankets. You certainly hadn’t expected Levi to ‘tuck’ you in either. Though, his version of ‘tucking you in’ was to flick the blankets back up and leave it at that. Still. The small gesture touched your heart and you felt a little of the whatever-it-is-your-feeling ebb away. You leant back against the frame of the bed, hands resting your lap until a cup of tea was brought into view, and your hands welcomed the warmth of the cup. The bed dipped slightly as Levi sat on the edge, facing you, taking in your pale, exhausted features. You suddenly looked so small to Levi. Sitting in bed, slightly curled in on yourself despite your current position. You still looked bothered. Upset. He didn’t know what, but it unsettled him. You had a haunted look in your eyes; it was something Levi couldn’t just up and leave you be. Not that he was planning to just yet. But afterwards… he had a feeling that, even then, he didn’t want to leave you. He’d probably be content to pull up a chair and just watch over you for the rest of the night. But you still looked shaken up.

“What the hell happened in your nightmare?” he finally broke the silence since you were avoiding eye contact as you slowly sipped away at the tea. “Nothing… just the usual.” You quietly respond, though you were annoyed at yourself the way your voice wavered to a quiet tone afterwards. “You’re a shitty liar.” Typical Levi, calling bullshit the minute he sees it. “It’s clearly more than the titans to have you like this.” There was a long stretch of silence on your end and Levi waited patiently for you to answer. He could see you trying to collect your thoughts as your E/C orbs danced back and forth, and your brow gently furrowing. The last part Levi would have found cute had it been under a less distraught situation. Eventually you found your voice, even though it was a lot quieter than you thought you were being, “No, it was that. But…It’s just… you were there. And then you weren’t. They had you. They had you and I couldn’t get to you in time. And it was my fault. It was my fault. I tried, Levi, I tried so hard. I ran as fast I could.” The more you spoke, talked about what relayed in your head, the more the hysteria was building up in your voice until it caught in your throat on a threatened sob, which Levi immediately picked up on. He was quick to remove your half-drunk cup of tea from your hands and place it on the tray by the bed.

Finally the sob tore through, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

It was clear that you had thrusted yourself back in the dream as you relayed it to Levi, losing your place in reality for a moment.

Levi finally reached for you, in the sense of physical reassurance. His right hand reached for your upper arm, tugging you forward. He pulled himself forward too, so he could position you against him. His left hand came around and looped around the nape of your neck, pulling you into his chest. His right hand left your arm and immediately came around your back. “Calm down Y/N. It was just a nightmare.” Probably not the best words to be comforting someone with, brushing aside the valid response to a nightmare.  But Levi wasn’t one to verbally comfort someone without soft reassurances. He says it how he sees it. Stating the facts. But it was the calmness in his voice that people can find safety and reassurance with. Almost like he was trying take your burden and carry it so you don’t have to. Humanity’s Strongest. Your hands shot out from resting in your lap to gripping his shirt on either side of his hips. He could feel his shirt tugged down slightly as the material scrunching into creases, but it didn’t seem to bother him. If it did, he didn’t show any signs. Despite the fear of wanting to close your eyes again, your eyes immediately squeezed shut when your ear was pressed to his chest, the sound of his heart beating in perfect rhythm blocking out the screams from your nightmare that still echoed in your head.

Your exposed ear was resting in the crevice of this thumb and forefinger, long slender fingers threaded through your locks as he gently cradled your head to his chest. This had been the most comforting thing you needed, to be engulfed in his scent, his warmth. Despite being the cold, distant, stoic man he is, even when comforting someone to this degree, he still had warmth and compassion within him, it’s just hidden behind that exterior he wears. If you’re smart enough, understand him enough, you’ll be able to see through the cracks and realise it’s the things he does that offer comfort.

Your body shook with the sobs that you were trying to hold in but failing miserably at doing so. Your teeth had hold of your bottom lip to force the sounds from pouring out but if you bit down any harder, you’d cause yourself to bleed. So you surrendered the fight and let it all out. Your body trembling violently beneath his grip as your entire being was struggling to let out all that you held in.

You felt Levi’s grip on you tighten just a little bit, obviously not enough to hurt where his fingers were cradling your head. “It’s alright… It’s just a nightmare. You’re safe.” He couldn’t promise that the nightmare wouldn’t become a reality, because there’s always a chance that it could. And he didn’t see the need to make empty promises. But he couldn’t just silently let you cry it out like this. Not when your sobs were wails of pain. It’s likely you might have woken some more of your colleagues up, especially with your bedroom door still open, but Levi didn’t give a shit about it right now. And he certainly wasn’t going to let go just to shut the door. If someone came in to investigate, he’d have no issue telling them to scram. It really must’ve been a fucked-up nightmare for you. He could only imagine just how graphically the nightmare played out for you. He wouldn’t be all that surprised if you chose to stay awake for the remainder of the night. He’d rather you not because you all have an early start in the morning with training, but he’d also understand. As long as you’re still right to train, he didn’t care if you didn’t fall back asleep.

Levi’s heartrate didn’t change, it kept beating in perfect rhythm, matching the calm tone of his voice and demeanor. You were grateful for this because it helped ground you once more as your cries quietened down. But you didn’t move away from him, nor did he make any movement to pull away from you. He continued to hold you to his chest, his other hand giving your back a small rub here or there. He patiently and quietly waited until you were ready to decide what to do next.

But you never did. You stayed like that for a good long while, Levi never questioned it, never moved. He continued to hold you as long as you needed. Oddly enough, your eyes begun to flutter close. The emotions draining you completely with exhaustion. It wasn’t until Levi felt his shirt relax from your grip that he craned his head to take a glance at your features. Your nose was red from crying, your eyes were slightly puffy, lashes still wet from the tears. It was at this point that Levi finally made the first movement as he stirred you from dozing off to sleep so you could lay down properly. And you did so without little grumble. Too exhausted to fight it off. Levi stayed. He got up to close the door, but he pulled up a chair and stayed. It was only a couple of hours until the sun rose above the hills. If you could get a couple hours worth of sleep in, he’d be content with that. The room was already lighting up with the darkened morning beginning to fade as the sun made its way around to their side of the earth.

Arms and legs crossed, his gaze rested on your peaceful features, contemplating how badly this nightmare had shaken you up. He knows you’ve seen horrors, had a few close calls with death – they all have. But he’s never seen anything to have brought you down like this. Though, there’s always something that makes a person break. Even him. You always amazed him how strong you were. You carried the team the same way he did. Putting aside your emotions and feelings in order to push the squad forward and focus on the mission. You were their sounding board, their grounding point. Especially when they needed someone to talk on a personal level where Levi couldn’t offer them that. If it weren’t for your softness, you would’ve made a great Vice Captain.

He cares for you. More than you’ll ever know. More than he’ll ever let on, or admit to. It’s why he chose to stay rather than retreat back to his office. He didn’t feel comfortable leaving you after witnessing you break the way you did over something so trivial as a nightmare. Even though you were asleep and there was nothing more Levi could do.

He stayed.

[unloved-cadillac]

Hi Caddy! Could I request some hcs on Mikasa on her s/o's birthday? I love this queen and it kinda is my birthday this monday👉👈 It would mean a lot. <3

C/n: I was going to post this on Saturday but here’s a birthday present for you!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY I WISH YOU MANY MORE FULFILLED YEARS TO COME! Thanks for requesting and I hope that you enjoy🤍

———————————————————————

HCs on Mikasa on her S/o’s Bday + Two Tiny Drabbles.

Mikasa loves birthdays. Hers or her s/o. Mostly her s/o.

She would shyly grab your hand and kiss your cheek. “Happy birthday, Y/n.” Awwwww.

She would get you presents and just place them on your bed when you come back to the barracks.

“When did she get all of these?!” You ask yourself as you look at all of your presents. Mikasa smirks to herself as she listens to you.

Mikasa will stick with you through the whole day. No matter where you are, she with you.

“Mika, I need to train.” “No.” “What do you mean no?” “No.”

A day full of kisses. On your cheek, forehead. Lips. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“M-Mikasa. Not h-here.” You say as she continues to kiss you on your neck. “Don’t care.” “But-” “Shh.”

Her idea of celebrating is doing whatever you wanted. If you wanted to lay in bed the whole day, she’s right there with you. Going for a nice long walk? She’s there to carry you if you complain about your feet.

Mikasa tries to bake a cake but fails miserably so just asks everyone to join in to help.

~~~~

(CANON AU)

Mikasa quickly wakes up Jean and the others while you slept and made their way to the kitchen. The baked and cooked and when everything was set up, Mikasa went to wake you. “Baby. Wake up.” She whispers and you smile at her voice. “Mika.” You say and she kisses your forehead. “Come with me.” She tells you but you don’t move. Instead you make grabby hands at her. She rolls her eyes and lifts you up and carries you to the mess hall. “Close your eyes.” She tells you and you comply. When she sits you down on a chair she tells you to open them and when you do, you hear:

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/N!!!”

The 104th cadets were all still in their pj’s, some covered in flour. “Guys, what?” You say shocked and looked at your cake. “It was all Mikasa’s idea.” Eren says as he reaches for cake but gets his hand slapped by Jean. You look at Mikasa who had a faint blush on. She leans down and kisses your forehead. “Happy birthday, my love.”

After Mikasa takes you to the lake and relaxes with you while watching the clouds pass by. She takes your hand in hers and kisses it. “I love you, Y/n.” “I love you, Mikasa.”

~~~~

(MODERN AU)

Mikasa will wake up early to see you sleeping soundly next to her. Before she could do anything, she goes to the the kitchen and make your favorite breakfast. Obviously she would close your bedroom door so you wouldn’t wake up due to the smells. After setting up the table, she goes to the cupboard and takes out the presents she stashed there. After putting the presents with breakfast she comes back to you. She would smile at your sleeping form and start to lay gentle kisses on your cheek, telling you to wake up. “Baby. Good morning.” She whispers and you groan. “Mika. It’s so early.” You say and she chuckles. “I know. But wash up and come into the dining room. I have a surprise for you.” She tells you while still kissing you. Mikasa leaves and you wash up and throw on her t-shirt. You open your bedroom door and smell the beautiful scent of your favorite breakfast. Then, you see the dining room. Mikasa stands there with a card and a beautiful smile on her face. “Happy birthday, baby.” She says and you squeal and jump into her arms. “Oh MIKASA! You amazing person. You did all of this for me?” You look at the table as she holds you close. “Of course. Eat up and open your presents.” She tells you and you do after giving her a long kiss. She had the whole day planned but she was content in seeing you happy and glowing in the morning light first.

———————————————————————

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANON! I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY FILLED WITH JOY AND HAPPINESS AND I WISH YOU MANY MORE!”

🖤🤍Thanks for reading🤍🖤

-Caddy.

[hannie-dul-set]

US, AGAIN | four.

SUMMARY. they say history repeats itself, but you’d like to disagree. you had to disagree. history changes, even if you had to force it. but when all your attempts to twist fate were met by nothing but the flashing recurrences of the past, what were you supposed to do?

or, wherein you try everything in your power to have nothing to do with na jaemin, but na jaemin wants nothing but you.

PAIRING. na jaemin x female! reader GENRE. college! au, historical! au, soulmate! au, past lives, forbidden love stuff, reincarnation, romance, drama, humor, angst, fluff, looots of flashbacks, this is an entire kdrama, very loosely inspired by the webtoon “see you in my 19th life” WARNINGS. (for this chapter only) swearing, night terrors, hospital mentions, passing out, the works hgdhjasf WORD COUNT. 5.1k

NOTE. I’M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG <///3 but life is life thank god we only have to go through this once unlike our dearest mc HJGASDJSF anyway!! lots of jaemin fluff here!! you’ll want to punch him in the face!! hope u enjoy <3

CHAPTER FOUR: why the sun sets and rises

(Running.

Through the winding branches that cut into the air, the silver lake, the jagged ground, the clouds in the wind at each and every shallow pant, you were running—

A gunshot.

—running until your legs gave away.)

You woke up in a cold sweat.

God.

Looking around, you noticed that it was far too early for you to be awake— the hazy light that barely slipped through the thin curtains, the desolate silence that seemed to have consumed your room whole, and the bedside digital clock down below you that said 6:21AM in big bold letters, indicating that you should be fast asleep especially after staying up at ungodly hours in the morning finishing up an assignment. But even after burying your head in between two of your pillows, you couldn’t even suffocate yourself into unconsciousness.

You groaned and jumped off of the top bunk.

When your feet landed on the floor, you had expected to see Seungah’s ghost of a face lying sideways on the bottom bunk, but all that met you was a small, neon orange sticky note laying soundly on her smoothed out pillow. ‘Had to leave early to the diner! Eat the breakfast I made you or else xoxo’, it said. You sighed.

There was no point mulling over the past when you had an entire future to take care of.

“Oh my gosh.”

Hong Nabi was in shock with what she saw when she arrived at the benches by the garden to work on your group assignment today. It was shocking to the point that she dropped all her binders and papers onto the pavement.

You sighed, sliding out of your seat to help her. She spared you a few, quick glances as the both of you were slouched on the floor, and he couldn’t help but bite her bottom lip in worry. The Y/N that was usually so cool, so put together, and so unbothered looked like she was casket ready. That, or ready to star in a Tim Burton animation.

“Is it Halloween today..?”

“Let’s just get this thing started,” you groaned, finally finished cleaning things up and you were now back onto your seat. Nabi sat right in front of you, organizing her now jumbled up material. She wanted to ask if you were okay— but would that be offensive considering that you were very clearly not? Still, she opened her mouth to speak, but was scared into silence when you suddenly cursed out loud. “Since when did this become a paired project? Where the hell are they?”

Nabi pressed her lips together, looking around. “I’m not sure.”

You still had around two weeks more until the presentation, but that didn’t mean that they could slack off as much as they wanted. In a fit, you grabbed your phone from your sling bag, exasperatedly tapping on the fragile screen that Nabi was almost sure that you were going to break it, but before you managed to burst a vein, an incoming sound of noises and laughter approached your ears.

Boys will be boys, but you weren’t having any of that shit.

“Yah,” the moment Jeno, Renjun, and Donghyuck showed up at your table as if nothing was wrong, you decided to smack the nearest head with a rolled up sheet of stapled paper. “Didn’t we agree to start at nine?”

“Yah,” Donghyuck snatched the weapon from you, his other hand focused on caressing the spot on his head that you’d just every so gently smacked. “Don’t you ‘yah yah’ me, missy. Did you forget that you’re younger than us?”

If only he knew.

“Is that so? You should grow a sense of responsibility, then. It doesn’t take fifty fucking years.”

With that, you let out a huff and swung your laptop open.

The rest of the people occupying the table exchanged concerned glances as they shuffled to find seats of their own. They haven’t known you for long, but this type of temperament from you was arguably out of the ordinary. Even when Donghyuck would strike a chord too dangerously, you wouldn’t snap at him— today, you weren’t your usual self, and they all mutually agreed in silence that they were going to tread carefully if they still wanted their heads attached to their necks.

When the sounds of your fingers clicking against the keyboard stopped, they felt their hearts stopping, as well.

You looked up from the laptop screen, proceeding to look around, closed your eyes, and then breathed out. “Where’s Jaemin?”

At that moment they all flipped their phones open, scrolling, clicking, and typing before they can taste any more of your unraveled temper. You had to admit, you were feeling a little guilty for being such a bitch. A part of it was yes, sleep deprivation, shitty nightmares, and a whole truck load of stress can really take a toll on your sanity, but the other part was voluntary.

Jeno looked up, the first person who managed to pinpoint Jaemin’s whereabouts. “He just texted. He says he’s running— oh, there he is.”

There he was indeed, a couple of feet away from where you all were. Once you confirmed that he wasn’t absent, you turned back to continue working, but the rest of them continued to stare at Jaemin, who was barely hanging onto his dear life, sweating and panting. And as they all watched the poor boy breathlessly running towards the table, they all thought of the same thing with one mind, heart, and soul.

Na Jaemin was a dead man.

He pulled up right in front of you, hunched over breathless with his hands on his knees. He stood up and promptly apologized. “Ahh, so sorry for being late. I had to stop by somewhere and there was traffic. I’m really—”

“I didn’t ask about your personal business,” you hummed, not even looking at him. Everyone, not only Jaemin, flinched at your explicit coldness. “Did you get the files that we need?”

He looked at you. You weren’t looking at him, but you knew he was looking at you.

“...Yeah. Hold on.”

As if the mood wasn’t already shit earlier, it actually turned into absolute horse crap after Jaemin arrived. It wasn’t his fault, really, but circumstance after circumstance didn’t exactly paint the prettiest picture of him. When the clock finally struck eleven in the morning, everyone except you all released a synchronous sigh. “We’re done today, right?” Renjun asked, and you responded with a quick nod, noticeably a lot more mellow than earlier.

Nabi stood up and started fixing her things. “I’ll send everything later to you tonight, Y/N,” she smiled at you.

“Yeah, sure,”’ you hummed, nodding. “Thank you.”

The four boys froze. Why were you being nice to her? Of course, their complaints were verbalized into nothing more than silent whines, groans, and grumbles that easily flew above your ears, Jaemin being a lot more quiet about voicing his complaints than the rest despite taking most of your attacks.

Still, even if you were being particularly thorny to him, he thought it would be a good idea to speak out just as you were about to leave. “Do the both of you have any classes after this? We were planning on getting lunch together,” he said. “Would you like to join? My treat.”

You looked at him. There was a polite smile on your face. Evidently forced.

“No, thanks.”

Donghyuck let out a genuine gasp.

“Did she just—” he stammered, switching his sight back and forth from Jaemin to you. “Did she just turn down a free meal offer?”

“She did,” you sighed, rolling your eyes as he continued to gawk at you. You picked up your heavy bag from the bench seat. “I gotta get going. Have fun, you guys.”

And you let them just like that, with five pairs of eyes trained at the back of your head until they finally lost sight of you.

For someone like you, the bulletin boards at the bus stops were like a gold mine. A gold mine of part-time jobs just waiting to be filled. There were flyers haphazardly plastered onto the board, all in different colors and different fonts. You bit a chunk off of the granola bar that served as your lunch for today, eyes meticulously scanning the available offers, a few flyers already wedged in between your armpit.

“Hair salon assistant— can’t do that. Diner waitress— a hard maybe. Already have a restaurant job pending, my shifts might clash. Library assistant? Alright, I need to check it out further, though. What about a movie— oh!— oh my god, you scared me.”

“What are you doing here, Y/N?”

Sooah suddenly appeared beside you, looking up as she clutched her backpack straps. You let out a sigh of relief upon the realization that it was just her.

“Fancy seeing you here, cadet,” you hummed, folding the neatly folding the few flyers that you had and shoving into your sling bag along with the emptied granola bar wrapper. “Are your classes over?”

“Mhm! I’m waiting for my mom to pick me up.”

“Aren’t you honored to spend time with me as you wait?”

You let out a chuckle, sitting down on the wooden seat, patting down the empty spot beside you, and Sooah happily hopped to sit down right away. Peeling off one of the flyers stuck onto the board, you decided to fold it— once, twice, countless more times until the flat, square piece of paper was now shaped into a lotus flower. Sooah beamed in amazement.

“Y/N,” she started, and you dropped the little paper flower onto her tiny hands. She placed it on her lap before looking up to you, large eyes hinted with curiosity. “The story you told us last time— was it a true story?”

You suddenly felt a chill in the air.

“...Why do you ask?”

“Oh, well,” she mused. “My mommy is a Korean Literature teacher at my school, but she teaches a grade above me. Sometimes, I’d go through her stuff to read some stories that I haven’t read in my class, and the other day—”

Uh oh.

After living for twelve whole lifetimes and currently going through your thirteenth, there was always this feeling that haunted you all throughout, a feeling that you were all too familiar with. It was gnawing, grinding, and chewing up the bottom most part of your gut. A warning sign for something bad to come.

You were definitely feeling that right now.

“—I found the same story as the one you told us, big sis.”

Yep. It was never wrong, and it never will be. You bit down your bottom lip.

“And I found something interesting!” oh, how much more must anxiety drown you, but Sooah seemed so excited that you didn’t have the heart to stop her. You raised a brow, urging her, and she smiled brightly. “You said you don’t remember the girl’s name, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Y/N! She has the same name as you!”

Of fucking course.

“The last name is different, though—” she added as an afterthought. “She was Song Y/N, and you’re not. Still. Isn’t it really cool?”

Not cool at all. You wanted to scream, maybe cry a little and lose a generous chunk of your mind, because as far as you knew, there had never been an instance where you had heard of this story being shared to the public— to an entire class, nonetheless. It shouldn’t matter, right? It wasn’t your life anymore. Just an old, tragic tale passed on from mothers to their children as a bedtime story.

But somehow, it made you feel vulnerable.

How many more people knew about this?

“But, sis. You’re kind of a dummy, though. How could you forget someone’s name when it’s the same as yours?”

Sooah questioned, tilting her head, but it eventually washed pon her that you weren’t looking all too well. You had your lips splayed into an evident frown, worry creasing your forehead, which she could not at all get. Were you okay?

“Did you finish reading all of it?”

You asked after a bout of silence. Sooah shook her head in response. “No, not yet,” she huffed. “My mom caught me making a mess out of her things and scolded me.”

That’s good, you thought. At least she didn’t make it to the end— that would only complicate things. After a second of deliberation, you figured that this would be the best move if you played your cards right.

“Sooah,” you started. “Do you think your mom will let me borrow that story?”

The next day, your classes were all condensed into the afternoon— a deliberate decision to allow yourself to recharge in bed for the entire first half of the day.

But right now it was eight in the morning, yet you were already busying yourself inside the campus.

No, you didn’t have a group meeting today, neither did you have any prior commitments needed to be accomplished here in school, but you figured after not having a single fucking blink of sleep last night thanks to Sooah’s revelations yesterday, you might as well head to school early to apply for the part-time job at the library. Only one problem— where was the library?

It was eight in the morning. You had been here since seven-thirty. Not a single bookshelf in sight. You opted to just give up and mold yourself into the floor because you couldn’t even ask anyone for directions because no one was there.

Well. Almost no one.

You had just passed by a single living soul earlier as you were trudging around the bottom floor like a zombie, but you completely missed him. Na Jaemin caught your disheveled figure marching through the hallways earlier, evidently lost, as he left the faculty office with a steaming hot cup of coffee in his hands. He immediately brightened upon seeing you— as if his bloodstream was directly charged with caffeine, but he didn’t come around to approaching you until now. He couldn’t get the timing.

Even now, as he discreetly tailed behind you without your knowledge, he didn’t know when was the appropriate time to give you a simple ‘hello’. He pressed his lips together, taking in a sharp breath through his nose, and decided screw it— you wouldn’t even be happy to see him no matter the timing.

He picked up his pace and sounded from right behind you.

“Morning, group leader.”

You stopped, swiveling your heels around, and he was met with your grimacing face.

As expected. He gave you a blinding smile.

“How are you?”

“My morning is shit, thank you very much,” you spat. “Even more now, after seeing you.”

Ouch.

Jaemin knew that you weren’t exactly fond of him, and he’d spent too many hours wondering why. Maybe you just disliked him without bearing much of a reason. Some people were like that, but he didn’t hold it against you. He still pressed on with a smile.

And it irritated you.

(You believed that it was irritation, or made yourself believe. Yeah, let’s go with irritation.)

“Now, what do you want?” you crossed your arms, shifting your weight to one leg as you looked at him with exasperation. “You’re definitely not here to ask me about our assignment, right? I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I might as well say it to your face for your own good.”

You roughly shoved a finger to his chest, mustering up not a glare— but a plain look of disinterest.

“I don’t like you.”

Jaemin simply looked at you.

“You don’t like me.”

“No matter what you try to do, that won’t ever—wait, what? What the fuck?” you had to double take, expression suddenly morphing into a comical confusion, which Jaemin found cute, but of course he couldn’t say that out loud. He settled with the same smile as earlier, which you found a little more irritating as much as it was conflicting this time around. Within a second of silence, you felt heat slowly rising and you felt it slowly getting to your head. “You’re just gonna take that...as that?”

He let out a hum, shrugging. “I can’t dictate how you feel, can I?”

You gawked at him.

“You’re not even gonna ask why? Not even gonna protest?”

“Do you want me to?” he leaned forward, face a little closer to yours, smile a little more irritating than before, the heat growing a little more prominent than ever, your grasp on your consciousness becoming a little more hard to hold than earlier. You felt yourself getting caught in a stammer. “I would, if you want me to.”

Fuck this shit and fuck it completely.

“Where are you going?”

“None of your business,” you stormed off before you could find yourself getting caught inside a heatwave, breathing out long, fervent breaths to calm yourself down, the dizzying heat slowly getting to your head making you woozy. It would be a bad idea to even turn around and look at him. “I’d appreciate it if you don't follow me.”

Jaemin frowned when he saw your back yet again. He felt like this was the only thing he’d seen from you— your back perpetually facing him without any hope of you even turning around to spare him a quick glance, but he didn’t want to go against your wishes. He wasn’t planning on following you. But when you suddenly collapse on the floor a few feet away from him—

Thud.

—what else was he supposed to do?

(“Your Highness.”

It was without question that he’d answer your call sparing not even a second to waste with those gentle eyes of his, and this time was no different. The only difference being the quirk of his lips— pursed, pouting. He stepped away from the bush of azaleas, and stepped closer to you.

“I thought I told you not to call me that anymore,” he huffed, languidly dropping beside you on the stone bench, taking your hands into his with an earnest glimmer. “Say it. I want to hear you. Please?”

It was impolite to laugh at the prince— a punishable crime by itself. You were fortunate that he liked you enough.

“Your Highness,” you hummed. His shoulders drooped down, visibly dampening, but he shook his head with a newfound resolve and instead lended all of his attention to you, instead. “It is without saying that the very breath you take is incomparable to any person on this land—”

Your gaze darted upwards, looking at him.

“—but why do you choose to come see me everyday in the garden? Even when I am not around?”

He was still for a moment, fazed and the littlest bit taken aback, but not a second too long for you to spare any worry. A newfound smile playing on his lips, he lifted up your hands that he was holding, pressing a tender kiss on your knuckles.

“Why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west every single day?”

He looked at you, continuing.

“Just because it was made that way.”)

“Daegang.”

The whisper that you sounded in your state of unconsciousness caught Jaemin’s ears as he carried you to a vacant room inside the campus hospital. He looked down at you, your voice as clear as day despite the hoarseness of it, peeling himself away from your closed eyes, lashes fluttering above your cheeks before he could stumble over his own feet.

When he gently dropped you on to the bed, the mattress sinking underneath your weight, his windpipes nearly closed, a choking noise escaping the moment he felt you tug him down by the sleeve of his shirt, but he maintained his composure. He dropped your sling bag onto the bedside table, taking notice on the colorful piece of paper peeking out of the bag’s zipper mouth, a huff of a smile when he closed it up. Even you can be a little disordered, sometimes, he wondered in amusement as he gazed down on you.

Jaemin let out a huff of breath, dropping down the chair placed beside your bed, and he pulled out his phone to send a few messages here and there. An hour passed. He noticed you stirring underneath the sheets.

“Ah, you’re awake!”

Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t. You couldn’t tell if the blurred out silhouette of the face you have grown to both hate and love was a mere figment of your memories, or if he was actually real. There was the temptation brought about by your disorientation— to stretch your arm out to his face just to make sure, but you were lucky that your flimsy consciousness came at just the right time before you were to do anything regretful.

“Ugh.”

“You’ve been out for over an hour. Maybe you should just skip your remaining classes today,” at that point you were sure he was real. Na Jaemin had worry laced all over his voice, expression, and posture. It wasn’t a sight welcome to your peace of mind when you had just woken up after passing the fuck out. “What happened? Did you not get enough sleep? Did you skip breakfast? I asked Jeno to buy some food just in case you wake up and I’m not here, but you were unconscious for longer than I expected.”

“I’m fine, I’ll just—”

A regretful action. You tried to stand up, but all that happened was you falling pathetically back onto the bed.

“...”

“Don’t push yourself, Y/N,” Jaemin sighed, tucking you back in and placing a hand on your forehead, and by god you could hear the alarm bells ringing in your ears. “I checked earlier. It doesn’t seem like you have a fever. Oh? You’re starting to heat up, maybe you actually do—”

“I don’t!”

Was it possible to voluntarily pass out?

You threw the blanket over your head.

It was fortunate that he didn’t decide to press on, and instead he just left you alone underneath your makeshift tent to calm the sudden blazing of your face. Did he know that you were embarrassed? Oh god, did he know that it was because of him? Not that it was, of course, but it wasn’t unlikely for him to assume that he was the cause of your sudden temperature rise. It would be much better for him to believe that you did have a fever. Fuck, you should have just told him that you were sick.

“Knock knock,” outside of your blanket shield, you felt something lightly pressed at the side of your head, prompting you to peek outside, just enough for your eyes to be exposed. When you turned around, you were met by a box of Orion Choco Pie, just one of the few snacks that he had brought for you. “Here, have this. Eat.”

You blankly stared at the red box.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Leave it. I’ll eat once you leave.”

“No can do, missy,” Jaemin clicked his tongue, and without your consent, grabbed your nearest hand and opened it into a palm, placing the far too large box on top of it. “I have to make sure that you actually finish it.”

He was resilient.

Much like someone else, you grumbled, opening the packaging and stealing one of the cakes nestled inside. He had a satisfied smile on his face— almost like a proud parent watching his four year old daughter writing her name for the first time. You wanted to throw the damned snack to his face, but voted against the act and took a bite from it instead. “Fine. But for your information, I might have passed out because I barely got any sleep last night, so stop wasting your worries.”

“That doesn’t make things any better,” he said. “How am I supposed to stop worrying after hearing that? You should take care of yourself, Y/N.”

“I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

“I’m not buying it. I have to make sure that you’re getting enough sleep every day.”

“What the fuck? Do you think you’re my mom, or something?”

“No, what the hell? Don’t make things weird,” He grimaced, looking at you in disbelief. Holy fuck. You nearly broke out into a fit, if you were being honest. Na Jaemin who was usually all smiley and kind was looking at you with an expression that you were sure his facial muscles didn’t even have the knowledge to conjure. His next words were nothing more than a low grumble. “How can she think I want to be her mom when I like her? Jeez.”

The choco pie that you’d been eating threatened to climb back up your throat.

“Wh— What the fuck?”

“What?” Jaemin replied naively. “One more time? Should I repeat it? Y/N, I like—”

“Okay, okay, I got it the first time, please—!”

Dear lord, he was going to be the death of you. You took in a long, sharp, painful breath.

“I get it.”

Jaemin looked at you with a small smile. He didn’t seem like he was going to continue teasing, so you quickly scared down the remaining chocolate snake inside the box so that you could slip away from him as soon as possible. That wasn’t the best idea, though, because the choco pie almost ended up going down the wrong throat and the guy was sure to freak out over it. Luckily you managed to get away with forcing it down and having Jaemin only looking at you with a minimal amount of concern.

It was time to get the fuck out of here.

“Thank you for the food, Jaemin, but I need to get going,” he didn’t even get the chance to say anything, but you were already on your feet, ready to set out to the door. You looked back at his frozen stature before reaching out for the door handle. “I’ll pay you back some other time.”

You bowed politely. Jaemin had only gotten back to his senses once he’d realized that he couldn’t see your face anymore, only the back of your head— a sight that he’s used to seeing, a reminder of where he stood. He scrambled to his feet and took off after you.

“Wait, you should drink water first! And take these with you! Y/N—”

Shit. He didn’t want you to leave yet. Not when he’s finally had a proper conversation with you. The two of you were already out in the hallway, the glimpse of light from the heavily clouded sky leaking through the windows and coloring the white walls and floor with an out of place brightness and at one point the light stuck on you. It was difficult to match your pace— staying not too far behind, not right beside you, never ahead of you. He swallowed.

Jaemin felt bad about pulling this, but he couldn’t think of any other way to make you stay.

“Daegang.”

You froze on the spot.

There was a heavy weight anchoring Jaemin’s conscience, falling even heavier as you slowly turned around to face him. It fell to the bottom of his stomach the moment he caught your expression.

“How—” you stammered. “Where did you get that name?”

He pressed his lips together tightly, a considerable distance between the both of you as he averted his eyes. “You muttered it earlier while I was carrying you.”

“C—carrying?”

How else would he have hauled you over to the campus hospital? But an obvious fact such as that was still enough to dumb your IQ a couple of notches down. You would have been fine if he didn’t mention it and leave you in your blissful ignorance, but he just had to drill the existence of that fact that you were in his fucking arms when you had sworn to be a piece of shit to him.

The heat was rising to your head again just like earlier.

“Ah.”

You heard Jaemin utter a sound from a few steps in front of you— a light grumble, you’d assumed, but you weren’t entirely sure— and it was at that moment that you’d realized how freaking awkward the distance between the both of you was. Were you social distancing?

His hollow sigh and evident pout threw all of those meager thoughts out the window.

“Is he the reason why I can’t get close to you?

What the hell does he mean?

“An ex you can’t over?”

You broke into a coughing fit. Jaemin instantly ran over to you in panic, patting your back to help appease the violent coughs, but in reality he wasn’t of any help at all because his palm was barely touching you. “Holy fuck”—cough—“oh god. I guess— I guess you can say that...?”

“Sorry,” he mumbled from behind you. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. It must be a sensitive topic.”

“If you knew that it was touchy then why bring it up in the first place,” you shot him a glare, looking back, but it was less threatening and more questioning. You couldn’t bring yourself to get mad at him at this point. He stood there in blatant guilt, his expression, stature, and demeanor without any intention of hiding it all. This was why you couldn’t get mad at him. Jaemin was transparent.

You weren’t sure if it was just his nature or if it had something to do with you.

You wouldn’t know what to do if it was the latter.

His lips finally parted after a moment of silence to answer you— even if you hadn’t expected an answer in the first place.

“I didn’t know how else to make you talk to me a little longer.”

You didn’t know what to do, at all.

Jaemin’s cheeks were stained with a shade of pink and fuck— you could see in his eyes that were looking at you, trying not to look at you, that he was bearing all the sleeves of his heart to you without an ounce of regret, but a euphemism of the bright red color that he was trying to hide.

God.

Why did you have to meet him in this life?

“Why?” you voiced, quiet. “Why do you like me so much? You don’t even know me that well, and I’m not even in any way nice to you.”

He didn’t answer.

“So, why?”

For a moment, Jaemin kept quiet, as if waiting for the pink to fade from his cheeks before doing anything, but it never did. Even when his lips stretched into a closed smile, his eyes crinkling and showing the stars that weren’t in the sky, he was still tinged with that soft, powdery color.

He didn’t wait. He didn’t wait for you to speak when he left— when he left right after saying two words that stretched inside your mind until the sun set in the west and the skies turned pink.

“Just because.”

<prev | MASTERLIST | next>

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© hannie-dul-set, 2021

[cosmictulips]

Hii Tulips!! How are you doing love? ❤💙

Here for the feedback for the new moon reading and let me tell you it was so resonating. Like I resonate with each and everything written here. My guides asked me to check myself not cause I am being egotistical. Like you know from past many days I would actually call like past many weeks I am having this feeling as if I am being egoistic, selfish, rude. Its not something I did so I am feeling this. It was just that my thoughts that made me feel selfish, egoistic or rude cause I was angry over myself and certain things. And the fact you said that they asked me to check myself not cause I am egoistic just relaxes me cause I all this time long I was checking on and just supressing my thoughts or imaginations cause I thought I am a egoistic, rude person. Yes u know even I feel I have become quite untethered in the manner of just day dreaming all day and having my head in the clouds thinking about the future instead of focusing on the present and grounding myself. Still if the line - "but, this feels more like you've become untethered and you need to reground yourself. you know, like anxiety, overwhelm, perhaps even angry and just tired. " means something else then please let me know cause I feel I just couldnt understand it even if I can relate. What does regrounding means? Does it mean to stop daydreaming or thinking about the future or its just balancing ? 🥺 Since last 2 months and the coming 2 months I am just giving entrance exams like JEE and all other big exams I just was overwhelmed with feelings. I even had an anxiety attack before my exams and I was just angry over myself for not studying properly. I did a lot of readings related to my guides. And I always get the same message. Yes I feel forgotten like I feel I lost myself somewhere in the mess and it feels so hard to recollect myself again cause I feel the time gone too faraway. The other people whom I am trying to make proud are no one else than my parents and teachers. I feel I being harsher on myself cause I already disappointed them with my earlier exam marks. Whenever I get reading on what do my guides think I should do to clear JEE. I always get that they are kinda angry over the fact that I am trying for a thing that even aint my purpose. They ask me to chill. But I personally feel that I am just relaxing day by day just sleeping, eating and wasting time here and there instead of focusing on my studies. What does coming home to yourself mean? I remember that I was a very good student. For me studying was fun. Its the thing I loved doing the most in life. But I dont like studying just with a purpose to have a certain thing. Yeah even that thing to stop everything resonates cause I really wanted to stop each and everything that is going on. I really wanted to stop this chain of mess. Its just not me but its almost everyone in my friends circle who are giving this exam feel like this. Yes I feel I am being too judgemental about myself. Talking about its been days I am awake all night till morning and then I sleep for 4-5 hours. I dont know how to follow your advice sorry like I will try to do it for sure but I am too caught up like if I dont clear this exam then people have already told me they would lose trust in me as I was a bright student. Since if I dont land somewhere good I wont able to make good changes in my family. The whole reading just made me too emotional but it was resonating.And thank you for what you wrote in the tags too. That means a lot to me. 🥺🥰💙❤

Thank you so much.❤❤.Have a nice day!! Sending you lots of love !! 💙💙 ( Sorry I wrote a very long essay) 🌚🌚

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

Hello Star Cadet =D

Listen, I feel you haha. and I'm really happy the reading resonated =)

I actually, also want to thank you for the feedback because It's not often I get this much detail in them and while I say I don't care about the length or even getting it, stuff like this reminds me why I even post pacs in the first place.

so thank you.

Yea, I think media has really forced people to go against their ego. being selfish isn't inherently a bad thing. but it can be, just like any other emotion or ...thing that a human can be.

and so when that egotistical card comes out, I always try to look further than that. like we need our ego, no matter what someone might say. we need that and our subconscious to find balance. and you shouldn't feel guilty of that.

however, it's when we start to slide from either being selfish to other people or being too hard on ourselves, that we need to step back and relax. that is our brains way of saying, hey check yourself cause something doesn't seem right.

Honestly, following my advice mostly just means thinking about it. take time for your studies sure, but don't lose yourself in the process. Honestly, it sounds like those people never had trust in you to begin with. You shouldn't have to live up to someones expectations to have their respect or trust. you are human, and humans make mistakes and they need breaks.

when I say to come home to yourself, that simply means, to come back to your roots. remind yourself why you want to do something. what are your goals. not the ones that make someone else proud, or that would please someone else.

What is something that would make YOU proud. what can you do that makes YOU relax? check in on yourself. how are YOU feeling, and why?

that's what I mean.

but yea lol if you have any other questions or whatever, feel free to stop on by. I love talking about this kind of stuff lol

[whump-town]

Been Having a Hard Time Adjusting

Summary: Alternative to the peaceful homecoming of Emily Prentiss - Aaron Hotchner never truly comes home with her.

Warnings: medical trauma, amputation, scarring, blindness, mental health, hallucinations, and just sad stuff

AN: I have over 9K of this fic written already. I'll warn you all now, it's a painful one.

Part One

The night that he came home from the hospital, more evenly placed stitches, staples, and drugs than man he locked himself out of his apartment. He’d been in the hospital two days, counting the day he’d woken up and the day he left, and unable to stand on his own was escorted out of the hospital in a wheelchair. The timing was perfect. He’d scared JJ and Penelope away, it’s amazing how feeling like death often allows you to look the part. He’d scared them away with his weakness and the anger trying to burn him away. Spencer can’t leave his own hospital bed until his knee has been properly braced but for now, he’s immobile while the swelling from the surgery goes down. Derek is nowhere to be found. It’s too surprising the usual suspects are flaring their heads to tell his “orders” to go fuck themselves.

But on the second day, Strauss had called Emily and Dave both to meetings all day, questioning their behavior and what the next plausible course of action will be for the team. Leaving him roughly seven hours to bust himself out and it’s exactly what he did.

Derek had spent the whole night before fixing his apartment, ripping up the carpet, plastering the wall, and changing and adding locks. As Hotch discovered this, metal scratching metal as his hands trembled unable to even get the old key into the round hole, he’d laughed. Throwing his head back and breaking the stuffy feeling in the hall with its depth and desperation. Laughing that twisted to sobs as he leaned into the door, forehead resting against the wood. Someone had changed the locks. He’d never felt so relieved, so happy to be stuck out in that hall because if he can’t get into the apartment Foyet wouldn’t be able to either.

He’d slid down the wall, head pressed into the doorframe, to rest his temple against the painted wood. He told himself he just needed to rest a moment. He’d rest for a moment and he’d call Derek or Emily or Dave and tell them what he’d done and things would be okay. They’d be angry but someone would take him to a bed, home and he didn’t even care if they were his own. He fell asleep, long legs extended out in front of him and his frame drawn in to stop his stitches from being pulled on. His core was weak and he was in pain but he just needed a second.

A second turned into four in the morning and Derek yelling his name. Peeling his eyes open and finding Derek dropping down beside him, the other man’s warm fingers pressed under his neck checking for a pulse. He’d find one, pounding and rapid but there. His memory of what happened next is hazy, a cloud of Derek talking quickly and being furious. The sound of tears in Derek’s voice as he’d been pulled to his feet, pressed tightly into Derek until they could get into the apartment.

Nothing after that matters. Not Emily’s anger and Dave’s disappointment. The only thing in the world was the feeling of the opposing keys in his hands. The tears that fell down his face when he could look into his palms and see two very different keys. Derek had added more locks, an electric thing that screams and makes his ears hurt but is so loud someone would hear it. That way this would never happen again.

He’d locked himself out a lot after that day. Needed to know the security system worked so he’d take that old key into the hall and sob with relief when he couldn’t get back in. Irrational thoughts and needs like that consumed him and someone was always there to meet those needs as best as they could. No matter the hour, Emily and Derek always showed up to let him back into the apartment with their spare keys. Never met him with an air of annoyance or like he bothered them. They always found him in that hall and mumbled the same promise, “he can’t get you, Hotch.”

And, now, only a year later Emily is out there somewhere. Consumed by those irrational fears born from great desperation and the shattering of her entire sense of security and they aren’t. No one will meet her desperate two a.m. wake-up calls with patience and a spare key to let her back in. She won’t be able to check and double-check because dead women have to play the part and desperation is a characteristic of the living.

He’d taken that away from her. Aaron had taken her life and her security and her family and sent her to another continent to live under an assortment of different names. Isolated her.

He’s finding it impossible to live with himself. With the guilt and the knowledge of how hard it is to cope and move on and live after every sense of security and home has been shattered. She’d been there for him. How many times had she come in the middle of the night because he called? How often did she show up even when he lied, even when he swore he was okay? All so that he wouldn’t have to sit alone in that apartment. Brought snacks and suffocated him in blankets and distracted him with boring movies she loved. Picked at him for his oddities so he could think of anything but his wounds and when he’d needed that she’d given him space. Sat on the other side of the couch in his silence and held his hand.

Now she’s an entire continent away. Dead to the world. Alone. Entirely alone.

Penance, he decides, is the only way to move on from here.

The foreign jobs were always something he and Derek used to scoff at. Not in some idle way that they might be better than the agents (mostly cadets) that take those overseas jobs but because everyone knows the Army chews through feds faster than rats through boxes in an attic. It’s a suicide mission to overtake and he knows that he knows that and he still signs his name on that dotted line.

Emily never went to Pakistan.

On the plane ride over, he tries to dig down and remember all the states she’d once said she had visited in her youth. She’d told him plenty of times, he should know them in his sleep. It’s always what she talked about when she got drunk. A few cups of Dave’s “good stuff” and she’d stretch out over the couch, often placing her head in one of their laps. Drunk is really the only time Emily ever knew how to be affectionate bar all hesitancies.

She’d tick off each place, naming them lazily with a tongue and accent he could never get quite right. His own mouth was too rounded, too rough to get it right. His attempts would make her laugh, the way he’d butcher the syllables with his accent.

He cries. Eyes closed and melted back into the chair.

He knows this is a mistake. Knows that his grief and pain will not dissipate just because he is punishing himself. Instead, he’s furthering everyone else’s. Distancing himself from Reid who is already struggling to grasp hold of this situation. Leaving Derek in charge of a crumbling team. Pulling away from Dave-- it had always been the three of them and now it’s just him. It’s unfair and he knows it is but it’s the only thing he knows. It’s solid and it hurts and it makes more sense, it’s more feasible than anything else.

He has to leave.

He couldn’t tell anyone. Knew too well all he needed was someone to grab his coat-tail, someone to pull him back from the ledge. Turning around isn’t impossible and wiggling out of his contract won’t be that hard because he knows all the right things to say to a therapist. He knows how to make himself look dangerously unappealing to the Army. But he hears Clyde Easter’s words in his head “can you swear that your team will save her”? Feels JJ’s fingers ghost over his hand as she’d told him, and remembers Emily’s dead and it’s his fault. This isn’t about Dave or the team, this is about his penance and it’s what he owes.

It’s too late now. The decision is not even really his to make.

On the plane, pinned in a window seat and knees aching from the cramped space, he thinks about her. The yellow light cast over her features, the weight of her head on his thigh, and Dave pressed into his other side. Smiling until his face hurt and seeing her nails. Remember how high, how warm he’d felt between the two of them. Just Dave and Emily and no monsters to hunt or hurt to protect. Her hand stretched up, how freely she’d laughed.

“Russia,” she’d ticked off. “Romania. Turkey. Israel. Laos.” She’d stopped biting her nails. They were healing.

She’d smirked drunkenly up at him. Dave was getting the car together, the only one of them sober. Liquor always makes her tongue lose, inhibitions lowered and little secrets slipping out. Earlier that week she’d thrown out the soft sentiment that she considered the team her family and they’d agreed to the same but she’d seen the look Hotch made. Knew that glint in his sad eyes.

“You’re my family too,” she’d whispered that night. Her fingers danced just along his chin and he hadn’t flinched, he’d been entirely lost by the sight of her. Giggling and poking his stomach when his only response was to look down at her. “Hate you sometimes,” she’d yawned, “but I like to keep you around. You’re nice and you smell good.”

It’s not what she’d want-- any of this-- but she’s not here to talk him down. That's the bitter part, she's the only person who could talk him down. The only person who seemed to speak through his irrational fear and anger. So it doesn’t matter.

He falls into what he knows.

Penance.

It tastes like the sand, salty and dry. A great never-ending expanse of nothing.

Hotch lets the motion of the Humvee settle him, going bonelessly with the great machine as it plows the road. Behind his sunglasses, arms tucked over his chest, and mouth set into a deep scowl he shuts his eyes. Tries to relax and to take a moment for just himself before he’s thrown back to work. This is entirely something new, different from home. Here they are not a team. Each person has a job and none of them talk to him, they don’t concern himself with him and he doesn’t bother trying with them. He just does his job and tries to hold on.

“Fucking hotter than Hell and half of Georgia,” JR curses, lifting his helmet to swipe at his brow.

Billy sits forward, settling his weight elbows on his knees. “JR,” he says seriously. “What in hillbilly hell does that even mean? I swear, they must have recruited you from some inbred town, didn’t they? Out here hardly able to read and--”

JR hits him hard, the sound jarring and Hotch doesn’t even open his eyes. He doesn’t need to see the two soldiers across from him to know exactly what’s happening. He clears his throat, “knock it off.” JR and Billy are nothing like Reid and Morgan but Hotch thinks about them nonetheless. About the jet and the air conditioners but mostly about Morgan’s relaxed handsome smile and Reid’s long thin legs stretched out for miles ahead of him. Their voices tangling in the late, calm nights into soft laughter.

He’s pulled roughly from his daydream, Billy’s voice breaking his mirage.

“Way to go you dumb fuck, woke up the old man.”

He wants to go home.

The Humvee rocks hard and these things are rough to ride in but there’s a distinct thing-- the hair on his arms stands up. Painfully so. He sits up. “Billy--” he never gets the chance.

He makes it three and a half months in Pakistan, trudging around the desert before the inevitable happens. He’s just a profiler surrounded by foot soldiers, every last one of them is expendable and that’s why the job is so dangerous. They can be replaced by cocky twenty-year-olds and they’ll just force a cadet to do his job. But nearly four months is damn near record-breaking. As the bare skin of his forearms burns in the harsh sun, his blood drying to his face, he wonders if Derek will be proud that he lasted so long. If Derek will know he did try to make it back home.

He tried.

“Hotchner!”

He moves, blood rushing to his head and he can’t hear anything past the sound of his own pounding heart. He pulls himself up on his elbows, choking on the thick smoke and wincing at the feeling of the hot flames licking out dangerously at him. Warning him to get away. He can’t see anything past the thick black smoke of the other Humvee. Nothing past the pool of blood around his left leg, gushing and flowing through the sand. He sees the mangled flesh, his eyes look and he knows and he recognizes the broken, mangled way his left leg sits in the sand but he says nothing. Does nothing.

He looks up to the soldier kicking up sand as she runs towards him. “JR and Billy,” he shouts, moving his left hand over his eyes so he can look in the direction of the soldier. “You need to find JR and--”

The woman, he can see her bun and her hooked nose. She’s only a kid and if he had to admit to liking any of them he’d be okay with naming her. Jamie shakes her head and he’s reminded that she’s just a fucking kid. Some twenty-year-old from a poor school district, too smart for this bullshit. “They’re dead,” she tells him, sinking to her knees in the sand. Her hands tremble, hovering to find a distinct place to hold. A way to stop his rapid blood loss before she’s left here entirely alone. She clamps over his leg and his vision goes black.

Gunshots wake him.

The night is encroaching, the smoke from the ruined Humvees still snaking into the clouds, and he can feel the temperature drop. Trembles, body weakly trying to stay warm. He peels his eyelashes open, caked in blood.

“Hotchner?” Jamie. He can’t open his mouth, his jaw cramped with shivers and convulsions while his body fights futility to keep him warm. He turns his head to see her. She’s pulled her helmet down over her head and she looks afraid. Drowsily, he feels her hands on him. It’s out of body like he’s not really there. “Medics are on their way,” she promises and he feels himself a rock, feels the chills, and her hands. The ground rocks and her attention snaps in the direction of the origin of the motion fear in her eyes as her breath quickens.

His eyes start to drop shut and she shakes him. Between pained hisses, breathless little pants, he’s glad he’s too weak, too tired to fight. Jamie won’t hear him whimper and writhe, he’s too far gone for that. Her palm presses to his cheek, “you have a son?” She knows he has a son. “Tell me about Jack,” she begs. “How old is he?”

He doesn’t even try.

He wishes he could apologize. She shouldn’t be so young. He hates he’s taking away measures of her innocence with each breath he struggles to draw in. The way he’s dying in her arms.

God, she’s so fucking young.

He blinks and the heat of the sun has been traded for the shade of a medic tent. A penlight makes its way across his face, attempting to draw his eyes to focus. With a groan tapering off into a pained moan he moves his hand, fingers just briefly tapping against the light. “Agent Hotchner?” The light burns his eyes but he cracks the left one open, just a sliver of the smoke agitated white of his eye to dart until he can find the doctor. “Agent,” the doctor frowns down at him waiting for Hotch to find him in the sea of movement and loud noises. “Agent Hotchner, you're going into respiratory arrest.” His lips are cyanic, parted limply as he fails to draw in deep breaths. Skin cold to the touch despite the flush creeping up his neck to suggest he might be warm. His brow and chest perspiring heavily, the area at the base of his neck sinking in with each quick, wheezing breath he pulls in.

“I’m going to lower the head of the cot and intu--” the doctor flinches as Hotch’s trembling, cold fingers wrap around his wrist. The Supervisory Special Agent’s lips move but no words come out, just the cracked sound of dry lips touching but the doctor knows well enough what he’s saying. “Agent,” the doctor takes his hand, moving the fingers from their tight grip on his wrist to his own. “Your breathing is rapid and shallow, it’s no longer sustaining your body. It’s why you can’t speak.” The doctor squeezes Hotch’s hand, “you’re tachycardic, your heart is beating too quickly. If you’re not intubated this problem will not abate on its own.” They’re playing with time here, just waiting until his breathing is agonal or stops entirely.

Hotch shakes his head, lips cracking as he gasps. He needs to know where Jamie is.

But they are Army docs and their job has nothing to do with his hesitation. With his preoccupations.

A doctor with long, cold fingers tilts his neck back. Manipulating his jaw open. Aaron looks up at the younger man, vision spotting as the drugs in his body take effect. He’s lost, drowning in memories of years far away. The water crashes over his head, inky black tendrils wrapping around his ankles to dunk him back down.

He thinks of Spencer Reid. Standing in his kitchen with the genius leaning close. The soft, familiar weight of his voice mumbling through Hotch’s weary bones. The way he can nearly hear him now, recall the exact sounds of his voice and that distinct little sway and playful patter of Spencer’s body when he’s happy. Hotch has never been an excellent or even very good cook but he always tries and he remembers the day in question Spencer had come over to learn how to cook pasta. Spencer hates sauces, tomato-based ones are too acidic but he also just doesn’t like the consistencies. So Hotch had spent hours looking for the perfect recipe.

He thinks about Penelope Garcia. The very first time she got sick and he found her crying in her office, trying to soothe her ailments with over-the-counter products. Having convinced herself that he’d send her to prison in a heartbeat for missing a single day. A few weeks before the whole Doyle incident, she’d come into his office two hours late for a meeting they were supposed to have. A cookie in one hand and a coffee in the other to butter him and then attempt to distract him. Even asked about a doctor’s appointment she had to have hacked into some database to have known he had that morning. Things change…

They change so quickly.

Two federal agents leave home.

Only one comes back.

[goddessofroyalty]

Avalanche meets Kunsel. Kunsel who was one of Zack's best friends next to Cloud. Kunsel the Man Who Know Everything and probably should have been a Turk instead. Kunsel who has had many days of watching Zack and Cloud trying to get their shit together and knows all the embarrassing cadet stories and is just about ready to share. All. Of. THEM!

While I love the shout out to Kunsel in the remake I wish he got an actual cameo. Although I guess the best way to do a cameo of his (have Tifa and Barret overhear him talking about Cloud and-or Zack to someone) would be hard considering Cloud is the playable character and all that.

Still after everything settles and Kunsel realises who Cloud is he absolutely shows up to reminisce with Cloud. Much to Cloud’s horror because ‘the good old times’ were back when Cloud was a young (and dumb) cadet and Zack was honestly an enabler and the two of them seemed to get caught up in trouble a whole lot more than they succeeded at stopping it.

And, look, Cloud isn’t like fragile in regards to his ego. He doesn’t have to be seen as the Cool Hero all the time - he’s a dork as well he’s well aware. But he also doesn’t need his friends knowing about ever embarrassing thing he did back as a cadet thank you Kunsel. Yes Cloud is very sure about the Kunsel. Anytime you want to shut up now Kunsel.

Avalanche do not want Kunsel to shut up. As far as they care he’s their new favourite ex-Shinra employee.

[controlaltdelete-my-existence]

You know, I feel like the FFVII fandom has sort of a bad habit of like... woobiefying? Baby-fying? Cloud. Like, okay.

Things Cloud is:

- An extremely strong person. The kind of inner strength he has is like... almost unfathomable. All the shit he went through, and he still pulled through at the end of the day, finding a family with his friends and accepting himself, flaws and all.

- Stubborn. Even after getting stabbed through with the Masamune by Sephiroth himself, Cloud, as a lowly grunt, threw the legendary General into a vat of Mako. No super strength, nothing. That boy was fueled purely by anger and determination.

- Guarded. His whole childhood, Cloud was an outcast. He was blamed for Tifa’s coma. Nobody else would play with him. His hero that he idolized destroyed almost everything he cared about. He was experimented on, his best friend was shot dead protecting him, Aerith was killed in front of his eyes, etc. This kid’s been very traumatized. It’s understandable why during the first third of the game, Cloud is pulling away from all attempts of friendship extended towards him. It’s only during the later parts of the game he calls the AVALANCHE crew his friends. He’s not going to be opening up to strangers anytime soon.

-Kind. Especially to the people he cares about.

- Competant. I can see arguments for making Cloud fairly incompetent during his Cadet days, but I’m talking about fics where Cadet Cloud is a bumbling idiot. I just... can’t see that happening.

- Done with Sephiroth’s shit. In spite of what the fanfics will say, post-OG, it would be On Sight.

- Quiet, but assertive. Especially post-canon. After all the trauma and bullshit Cloud’s been put through by forces outside his control, he’s not going to take anybody’s shit. Least of all Sephiroth’s or Rufus Shinra’s.

- Country dumb. He’s actually really intelligent but like, “Let’s Mosey”, “Crispy Critters”, etc. Also not very good with social situations.

-Physically Strong. That goes for the whole AVALANCHE cast as well. I mean, if you’re trying to be fairly realistic, it’s understandable why you might not want, say, Barret to have Catastrophe in your fic. But if the fic takes place post-canon, in the world of FF7, then AVALANCHE should technically be able to take on just about anything after the Ruby Weapon. Just like... don’t make them wimps. Stop making them wimps. Please.

-Pretty. Yes, Cloud is pretty. He is a Square Enix protagonist after all. Perhaps one of the prettiest. He can also beat the shit out of you.

Things Cloud Strife is not:

- Rude or unnecessarily mean (excepting the parts of the original game where he wasn’t entirely himself). This isn’t so much a problem with woobiefying him, just a characterization I sadly see a lot. Now I’m talking about those fics where like, Cloud is asshole and drives all his friends away. It’s not him. He wouldn’t suddenly be an ass to Tifa for no reason, or exclude her from his life.

-Uber Submissive. He’s got pride just like everybody else. Maybe even more than most people.

- Super emotional. We know that Cloud is the kind of person who hides his true feelings. It’s like a core character trait.

- An UwU baby. Does he admire Zack and Sephiroth as a Cadet? Absolutely. Does he also have bad life experiences with others and work for the military? Yes. He’s young and wide-eyed, but he’s no inexperienced child who needs to be coddled.

These are just things I tend to see in fics a lot. It’s not Cloud I’m reading about, it’s a stand-in. I suppose that’s what most fanfiction is about, though. Feel free to add the list, if you like. I just kind of wish we could all take a step back and look at the characters themselves.

I’m not sure if it’s just a me thing, because Cloud, and FF7 as a whole, are both so important to me, but I’m just tired of seeing Cloud mischaracterized and reduced to so little of what he eventually became in canon. Idk, am I overreacting? Anyway, please add your thoughts on the matter, I would be interested in hearing what other members of the community think.

[n0irrrr]

e m p t y / 12

shingeki no kyojin | series [various x male!amnesiac!reader] summary: [Name], an amnesiac boy awakes in a unknown place – trying to remember anything makes him have horrible headaches. Who is he? And why he can’t remember his own face? masterlist

chapter twelve

flying

When the aptitude test began once again, [Name] was ready for it now— but of course, things got on his way as they have always done.

As he was being lifted in the air he didn't find much trouble balancing himself. Everything was going according to plan, but a small uncomfy feeling was slowly appearing on the back of his head, quickly creeping his whole head with a heavy weight with it. It soon became more painful, seeing his clenched jaw and a twitch on his left eye. Nevertheless, the boy didn't voice his discomfort and tried to keep going as normal.

Fortunately, the boy could whine mentally, ”oh fuck!” He clenched his fists, trying to not lose his balance that much. It may have sound like an exaggeration, but the headaches more than just hurting they clouded his mind— as if he couldn’t see trough the fog. He felt horribly tired out of nowhere, but didn't give in.

Unfortunately, his trouble couldn’t be hid. Why now, of ALL times, this is happening to me? Gritting his teeth, he tries as best as he could to not have a worse performance like yesterday. Somehow he stood his ground and managed— well, the test result didn’t have to be perfect, right? If it only allowed him to pass just barely, then that was enough for him.

Waiting for his result with a poker face, the silence Shadis fell in made [Name] worried. Was his performance so horrible he couldn’t be allowed to stay?

It seemed whatever Shadis was thinking had finished, and with a deep loud voice he spoke, ”I see you have problems with it still— just be careful your useless ass doesn’t make you fall to your death!”

[Name] couldn’t stop a sigh of relief getting out. Well, that was better than not passing. It was pretty disappointing not being able to do his best thanks to the headaches, but it isn’t as if he needed to be in the top ten to join the Survey Corps— he will just have to manage the upcoming tests and keep passing somehow. That if my headaches don't make me kill myself.

”I’m happy for you, [Name]!” Marco grinned, looking happily to him as he returned, “I knew you could do it.”

Jean rubs his head, ”man, your headaches really come in the worst time, do they?”

”It’s so absurd.” He bitterly stated, placing a hand on his forehead while closing his eyes, clearly frowning.

“Seems this is going to go for a while, seeing the amount that haven’t made it.”

"Can we stay there in the mean time?" [name] pointed a place pretty far from where they were— just a spot under some trees. Jean instantly knew he just wanted to sleep. You lazy sleepy adorable thing...

The trio walked away, sitting on the grass.

”Could we get in the air today?” Marco wondered, supporting his hands on the grass as he looked at the others trainees doing the test.

From afar he could see Eren’s failure and raising— it was pretty inspirational. [Name] always felt what truly made Eren into the person he was was his great sense of freedom. He truly fights of what he really wants. That can make him stupid or brave, if not both. By his surprise, it seems the brunette was looking for somebody— and that was him. They meet gazes from far away, [name] tilting his head to the side, curious. Looks like Eren is debating what to do, but in the end he sent a wave to [Name]. His eyes widened slightly, returning the wave unsure.

...?

"Where do you plan to go, [Name]?" Marco inquired, looking at him with prying eyes. His attention from Eren shifts to Marco,

"The Survey Corps."

"Really? That's... a lot of courage..." [Name]'s choice reminded Marco everyone would take their own paths in the future— many of them would not see each other again at the end of all of this.

"Or just really stupid," Jean couldn't help but mutter, crossing his arms. [name] sighed, knowing his choice was still not accepted by his friend. The [hair color] haired boy approached Jean and wrapped his arms around his torso, resting his head on Jean's chest. The action made the taller male blush, "o-oi, what the hell are you doing?!?

"Don't get mad," he closes his eyes, drifting off to sleep slowly. Rubbing his head against the other's chest, [name] muttered things Jean couldn't hear clearly. He just mumbled curses, not really trying to get [name] off of him. Secretly, he liked the gesture.

Marco just watches the interaction with interest, wondering about their past relationship. He noticed these two came together— childhood friends? but they look too intimate...

The freckled boy tilts his head. "You don't want him to join?"

Jean frowns, clearly showing his displeasure. "Of course not! Why would I when I know he— he will..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but Marco knows what he means. Unconsciously, the freckled boy moves [name]'s hair from his face, looking at the gentle expression he's making.

He smiles softly, "then... we should enjoy these moments together." While his embarrassment goes away for some time, Jean wraps his arms around [name], as if he fears for him to disappear.

While Jean and Marco talk about what the life inside the Military Police would be like, a certain brunette couldn't stop frowning at the close proximity Jean and [Name] were in. He just glared from afar, not liking one a bit the horrible scene.

After some hours, the test was over with when the instructor announced it's end. Both Jean and Marco hurriedly tried to wake [name] up, and after some tries the boy barely was awake. They didn't care about the state he was in and actually dragged him to were everyone was lining up, talking over his ear to wake him up. After some tries, the boy seemed to be conscious enough to at least stand up properly. All the cadets grouped in under the heavy gaze of their instructor, waiting for their new test.

Shadis stared at all of them with a harsh gaze while shouting, "the next test will be using your gear! Get familiar with it because then you will be doing teamwork practice, useless maggots!"

Everyone collected their new gear with grins on their faces, including [name]. His sleepy state had partially gone away at the feeling of finally being in the air.

Finishing wearing it, the trainees lined again to hear the instructions of the new test.

"Alright, maggots! The test from today is simple and an introduction for the next— use your blades to get the dummies! Every well done slice is a bonus point for your performance and your rank. At the count of three, the test will begin. It will finish when I say, so don't get too distracted!"

  Jean turns to [name], showing one of his 'handsome' smiles. "Okay [name], watch how a natural does it, hmn?" [name] just stares blankly at him, not caring much. "At least say something..."

"...one! THE TEST BEGINS!"

Seeing everyone already entering the forest, [name] took his time to get used to the blade's weight. He wanted to make sure everything was in order before going into action; there was no rush for now. Walking trough the forest, [name] clearly heard where the majority was. He jumped and shoot his hooks, heading to the left. I don't hear much here.

Managing the complete gear was something else. [name] had to be full awake to use it, if not, he could get badly injured if something went wrong. Nevertheless, the boy couldn't stop from closing his eyes and go with the flow, the feeling the wind against his face and the smell of grass present. He felt free.

Hearing the squeak of the dummies moving, the boy opened his eyes, ready to attack. There were two dummy titans of different size and pretty far away from each other, but without much wait [name] gripped his guns, releasing gas to quickly slice trough the fake neck successfully. That was good— now the other. Repeating the same process, [name] was getting the hand of it fast. Thanks to his good hearing, he could notice everyone was not that far away, seems like they are fighting for dummies.

Grinning at the sight of another untouched dummy, the boy prepared his grip to get another successful slice. Getting close to his target, he heard someone approaching quickly, stealing the kill. [Name], unamused, closed his gas to recognize the stealer was Reiner, who had a smug grin in his face.

"Thank you for the help, [name]! If it wasn't for your great sense of direction I would have not found this goldmine."

[Name] just stuck out his tongue, not really that bothered by the stealing. But just for a slight second, [name] changes, but to be precise his eyes change, and Reiner clearly see the difference— they look at him harshly, but with a tint of mocking along with a grin. "Let's see if you steal my kill when they break the wall again, giant." Leaving the blonde frozen by the sudden and dark comment, [name] left carelessly, as if he didn't say something weird.

Reiner just carefully watches him leave, the smirk long gone from his face.

  Ẍ̵̨̛̛̺̫̜̼̞̀͊̉̄͒͂̽̿̉̊͗̌ͅX̶̺̤͕͈̙̘͙̬̣͕͕̥̀̇́͗̆͛́̔̄̈̚X̵̹̤̗̋̚͝X̴̡̛̖̜̗͕̓͑͌̑̍͂̿X̶̨̙͎̩̮̖̖̬̘̌̓͐̐̽̋͛̅̌̄̄͊̐͝Ẍ̷̢̢̮͚̠̙͇̞͙͎͈́̌̆͊̒̉̂̇͑̐ͅX̶̨̖̗̰̮̖̜̲̜͇̊͐̌̒̾̾̆̾͝͠,̸̨̳̞̲̻̭̃̄͛̈̓͒̑̄̿̈́̽͑̈́͊͜ͅ ̶̢̡̠̝̮̳̦̟̜̙͖̰͔̑͑͑t̴̨̧̻̟̤̫͕̝̠̖̭͚̲̄̌̿̉̑͆̍͝h̷̙̝̟̎̄͆̿͐̚͝ȃ̴̧̱͉̬͔͈̮̬͎͚̦͖̘̔̄̐͆̓̌̀̅̅̇͘̕͝ͅt̴̛̠̬̼̰͈͉̖̜͛̉̏͆̽̐̒̈̑͆̄͠ͅ ̶̭͕̟̺̯̀̌̊̽̃̽̚͝ḯ̸̫̠̩͔̈́̉̕s̵̡̥̰̤̩͈̬̒ṇ̸̜̝̳̲̼̣̒̓͝'̷̢̱̺̝̪͛̈́͆͆̆̔̾͒̾̔̋̏̌̕ẗ̶̻́͆̒̈́́̃͌̏͆͂̎͠ͅ ̵̛̥͕͉̤͚͇͈͍̇̿̽̈́́͑̕͝ͅa̵̰̗̤̥̲̦̙̟̰̽̚͝l̴̨̨̧̛͎̞̗͉̬̲̼̭̣̀̓͋̿̈́̈̄̌̃͒͒͌̚̕l̸̩̻̮͈͍̼͍̺̪͚̬̜̣̟̦̋͒̃̔̂͐͒̈͘͠ò̸͚̖͍͕̀̋͆̅̑̽̍̂̈́̿͌ẅ̷̢͎͉́̐̔̃͠e̴̛̖̥̖͖̦̲̥̯͚d̸̺̲͇̊̓̑̃̄̄͘͜!̶̛͖̪͓͉̜̹͍̣́̎̍͒̈̓̂ͅ

  "Don't care."

"Everyone! Get your asses back here!"

"Next test will be for teamwork! Learn to cooperate together to take down a titan! Teams are already done, so hear carefully!"

"First team: Eren Jäeger, Jean Kirstein—"

[Name] heard Jean curses under his breath, and he couldn't stop a chuckle from coming out of his lips. He can see Eren, who is at the front, frowning and cursing too.

"Next team: Bertolt Hoover, [Name] Knight, Marco Bodt, Connie Springer and Mina Carolina!"

He didn't care much of who was he paired with— there wasn't anyone he disliked. [Name] was pretty excited for the practice, thanks to his adrenaline using the gear in the air just minutes ago.

The instructor had explained the practice consisted in taking care of the dummies inside the forest with your team— as he was going to watch everyone performance, seeing any lack of teamwork would get minus points.

"You have to learn how to cooperate— if you don't, there's nothing but mistakes and unavoidable mess," Shadis spoke, "get with your team and prepare for the test!"

[Name] waved at Jean before leaving, receiving a grunt. He reunited with his team, spotting Marco first who was already with the three soldiers. When they saw [name], Connie grinned enthusiastically and wrapped his arm around [name]'s shoulder.

"Ready for being first place, partner?" [Name] nodded, blinking blankly, "okay everybody! leave this to me!"

"Not so fast, air head!" The black haired girl spoke, "this is about teamwork, don't go all crazy and dandy doing your own thing!"

"I believe all of us will do our best— we just have to coordinate right!"

[Name] not interesting much in their conversation, looked at Bertolt with his usual poker face and waved, tilting his head slightly. The taller soldier blinked in surprise, shyly returning the greeting. [Name] sure looked to have some childish behavior– the brunette couldn’t stop imagining him as a little kitten when he was with Jean. The sudden thoughts made him blush. A kitten...

  "Everybody, in place! The practice will begin in 3...2..."

The practice was being an absolute failure.

The team wasn't communicating properly— between the silence of some members and the independent actions of others, the team regrouped to discuss about their currently horrible performance.

“What the hell are we doing?!”

”Connie! Stop going on your own and follow orders!”

”What?! Nobody is giving shit! Why is it my fault?!”

”Hey—! Please calm down! We still have time to get it together!” Marco tried to control the situation, but the two weren’t listening to him. He turned to the other two, “Bertolt, [Name]! Help me out!” The taller soldier couldn’t speak properly. His shyness didn’t let him, and just opted to stay silent and look apologetic.

[Name], in the other hand, feeling done about the bad experience, placed a hand on his hip, while the other took one of his blades and pointed at the two fighting members, gaining their attention. He frowned, “we need to replenish and think about something. We look like fools.”

While they found a base to resupply, Marco spoke in the gentle voice he had, “we need to have a clear task ahead— we can’t just scatter and find a target for ourselves.”

”Well, it’s not like we have a leader in the team!”

”It’s true... we are just doing our own thing." Mina said, grunting, "we need someone giving orders!"

The freckled boy hummed, trying to think about something. “I don’t think I’m capable of leading... what do you say, Bertolt?”

”No offense to Bertolt, but he doesn’t even say his thoughts,” Mina replied instead, sighing. The taller cadet just sweated, playing with his hands nervously. “Connie is no good either, and I don’t think I’m good to take over the leader thing.” The bald kid just huffed, pouting.

They all stared at [Name], who was yawning. But as soon as he felt their stare, with a raised brow he questioned, “what?”

* * * * * * *

”Well... I guess this is better than nothing.” [Name] spoke, still unsure by their choice. He didn't feel particularly confident by being the leader of the team this time, but it wasn't as if he thought it was something hard.

”Don’t worry, [Name]. If you have trouble with something I will be happy to help you!”

”And why aren’t you the leader?” He narrowed his eyes, raising a brow.

Marco mumbled, "w-well, I'm not really good at giving orders... hehe..."

"Whatever. I heard a lot of noise in the right side of the forest, so let's go to the left," [Name] guided them in what he thought would be a good path, "there should be more dummies left here, and less people."

"How can you tell? I really can't distinguish where are they right now..." Mina asked, looking around her, "do you have good hearing?"

"I think so. Right now I can hear Eren's loud voice fighting with Jean," the amnesiac boy shifted his gaze on a intact dummy— jackpot, "Connie! Get the legs while I go for the neck!"

"A-Ah, sure!"

Their performance had gotten better with someone taking the lead— as [name] gave orders, others followed them. Mina nor Marco still didn't have the strength to make a good cut, but thanks to [Name] observing everyone's performance he yelled for Bertolt to back them up, or sometimes doing it himself. At the beginning everyone seemed to lack confidence with what they were doing, but while the practice progressed everyone was gaining trust in each other.

  "Everyone retreat! Practice's over! Once we announce your ranks, retrieve your gear!"

"[Name]! You did great!" Marco complimented him, grinning. Everyone patted from the harsh practice, but the smiles in their faces told him they were pretty satisfied with their performance.

"Did I?"

"Of course!" Mina laughed, "this time it really felt everyone was pulling their own weight. Nice job!" She patted his shoulder, giving thumbs up.

"Hey, hey— yeah, [Name] did great and all but don't forget the ace of the team— Connie Springer!"

"Sure thing, baldy— I can't imagine what we would have done without you!" The girl sarcastically spoke, already leaving the place, "let's hurry to see who made it first place!"

"I race ya!!"

"H-Hey! Wait up!" Marco followed them.

The remaining two stayed to catch their breaths, until [name] broke the silence. "Was I good?"

The taller cadet blinked, realizing he's talking to him. His face is slightly red, but the only thing he can do is nod. [Name] hums, feeling particularly... nice by their compliments. "Let's go back, then." The taller boy nodded, giving an awkward smile before leaving the spot.

[Name] rubbed his hand on his neck, relieving some stress. Controlling the gear was expectantly hard— he had to be full awake to not have any accident. And, talking about accidents... he was relieved his headaches hadn't appeared while he was in air. [name] didn't want to be in that type of situation any time soon. Wouldn't be pretty falling from this height...

Jumping, the teenager fired his hooks successfully into a tree, following the others. But as soon as he fired another hook, it didn't came out. Before [Name] could realize what was happening, he was already falling. Oh no. He erratically gripped his controllers to make it work, but it seemed there was something stuck inside or just the gear didn't work. This is going to hurt really bad.

Trying to somehow prepare from the amount of pain he was going to feel, he closed his eyes and tensed. As his thoughts were occupied by the injuries he would get, he didn't hear the steam of someone's gear hurrying to his way. Instead of being welcomed by the harsh ground, there was a much softer and warm welcoming.

Opening his eyes, [name] could feel arms wrapped around his torso. Tilting his head, he recognized his savior was Eren. Both of them didn't say anything at all— the brunette didn't even try to look at him. [Name] could see he was frowning— is he... angry?

Eren landed on a tree branch without much trouble, letting go off [Name]'s hold. The amnesiac didn't exactly know what to say, seeing how tensed his friend was.

Before he could even say something, Eren snapped, "what were you thinking?! Falling like that!" His eyes showed a mix of anger and worry, but the tone of his voice made [name] clear he was upset.

Blinking, [name] tried to explain but was cut off, "my gear—"

"Did you become this careless!? What the hell!" Eren couldn't help but yell— it felt as if he was taking his irritations on him.

Getting bothered by Eren's childish behavior, [Name] harshly spoke, "what's your problem? stop acting like a child!"

[Name]'s outburst had seemed to snap Eren from his anger, seeing his widening eyes. The brunette crossed his arms and averted [name]'s gaze, letting out a huff. [Name] shared the same annoyance, frowning while he sat down to see what was the problem with his gear.

The silence was horribly tense and awkward, but it didn't take long to Eren to give in. He let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his neck. His expression looked apologetic— [name] frowned, not liking the situation one a bit. The and being unable of finding the source of the gear's failure, the amnesiac's patience was slowly disappearing.

“Look, [Name]... I...” he tried to choose his words right, “I’m sorry. I—I was an idiot, okay?”

[Name] didn't look at him. "You still are."

Sighing, the brunette sees [name] is the one upset now. It's not that he's not allowed to— after all, Eren was being a child these past days. "I shouldn't have told you that back then... I wasn't thinking clearly." He doesn't know if to keep going, but seeing [name] has stopped his actions and has just stared in front of him made him talk more urgently, "I know what I say was wrong— It's just... seeing you again after two years, not knowing where you were... my emotions just kinda... snapped."

There's silence, but Eren keeps going. "You— you don't know how horrible I felt after that, okay? Back then, when I thought about what had happened to you, and what happened to my mom... I was angry at everything. But seeing you were okay, and with that horse face protecting you as if I wasn't your friend... I guess I was bothered and happy at the same time. Look, I'm... I'm sorry."

Both of them keep quiet, but [name] decides to speak, "...I always thought about all of you," he scratches his hand, "I thought I would never see you again." He turns around, meeting Eren's eyes. [Name] is not good at showing emotions, but the brunette can recognize the pain in his face. "Hearing you say those things, as If I didn't care about you, didn't feel... nice." He stands up, forgetting about his gear.

"...can you... forgive me?" Eren is embarrassed— he's not usually this... passive. Nevertheless, he recognized his mistake. After all, it wasn't much different when they were kids— [name] really made him act in another way.

[Name] got closer where Eren was, "...you have always been an impulsive idiot."

”Hey! I’m trying here!”

[Name] chuckles, leaving a kiss on his cheek, “I know.” The unexpected action makes Eren's face blush, feeling shy, "you are forgiven."

Eren gulps, averting his gaze in embarrassment. "Hey, [name]..." he speaks in a lowly tone, when he hears a hum from [name] he continues, ”can we... sleep together tonight?”

[Name] blinks at the question, ”sure.”

Before Eren can mentally celebrate his success, the practice reminds him of where they were heading. "Shit! We have been here for too long— oh shit. The instructor would yell at us." Eren was going to leave, but [name] grabbing his wrist stopped him. He turns, confused, "what?"

"My gear. I don't know what happened to it but I can't use it." He demonstrated the issue, trying to shoot one of his hooks but nothing came out. Grunting, Eren passes a hand trough his hair, trying to think what should they do.

"There's nothing else— I will carry you there. Just hang on, okay?" Eren carries [name] bridal style, the amnesiac wrapping his arms around the other's neck, a little unsure about it. Nevertheless, it seemed his friend was confident and ready about this, so he didn't say anything and hoped for the best.

Eren carefully fired his hooks, trying to make the trip safer for both. They left the forest successfully, luckily averting the majority of the others' attention. The landing was a little harsh, but nothing they couldn't handle. As they arrived, who noticed their presence was Jean and Marco, the first running to them with a glare directed to Eren.

"What did take you so long?!" Jean yelled at [name], but quickly shifted his anger to Eren, pointing at him, "and you! It's your fault we got last place!"

"Ah?! Why my fault?! You didn't do anything but get in my way every time, horse face!"

While the two were fighting, Marco approached [name] with his usual smile. "I have good news! We got second place!"

"Is that so? Who's first?"

"Reiner's team— I guess he's really a natural leader. Even so, I'm really happy with how we did back there, thanks to you!"

[Name] scratches his neck, feeling shy. "is that so? I didn't do much tough..."

"Of course you did!" He grins, "oh, but what happened? I saw you came without your gear."

While [name] explained what had happened, all of them returned their gear, but not without [name] notifying the failure. The instructors had said they would check the gear and notify tomorrow what was wrong with it. Eren left to find Armin and Mikasa, but not without smiling at [Name] one last time. Jean, suspicious about the new and sudden behavior, questioned [name] about what had happened back in the forest. The amnesiac boy just tells him he will tell him if he gives him his bread.

━━━━━━✧♛✧━━━━━━

Everyone was getting ready for bed, as nighttime had arrived. [Name] had told Marco he would sleep with Eren tonight, and with Jean currently talking to the freckled boy, could not have ignore that statement.

"Really? Did you two became boyfriends all of sudden?" Jean raises a brow, annoyed. It wasn't a secret he disliked Eren— in fact, it was public information.

[Name] blinks, a little confused by the question. "...Boyfriends...? I'm just sleeping with him tonight. Is that a problem?"

"Of course there's a problem! It's weird!"

"Weird? But I've slept with you before..."

Marco coughed, feeling a little embarrassed by how... weird that sounded. Luckily for them, everyone was in their own business, so no one was hearing what they were saying.

"I-It isn't the same!"

"Why are you caring so much if Marco is the one who I share the bed with?"

Jean, irritated and with his face dust in red, averts his gaze and grits his teeth. "Fine! Do whatever you want! Is not as if I care anyways."

[Name] frowns, not understanding Jean's anger. Why was he behaving so difficult all of sudden? Trying to fix the issue, [name] remembers the books he had read before about giving princesses giving kisses. They had always made someone happy just by a kiss, and [name]'s innocence and childish mind doesn't think about the consequences of such actions. He just follows what he thinks is right and closes the gap between Jean and him, giving a soft kiss near the other's lips. Unfortunately, the sudden reaction of Jean pushing him away harshly isn't what he's expecting, seeing his confused and hurt look he wears. Thankfully [name] is still on the bed, so instead of falling on the wooden floor he's met with Marco's chest, who unconsciously takes [name]'s shoulders. The freckled boy can literally feel the uncomfortable, painful and tensing silence the three had fallen to— he recognizes the regretful expression Jean shows, but is soon shifted into a frown.

Lucky or not, what breaks the silence is Eren looking for [name], oblivious of what had happened with the trio. "[Name]! Ready to—" he abruptly sees the faces of both Jean and [Name], and with suspicion he ask, "is something wrong?"

"...no. I was just telling Marco we're changing beds tonight." [Name] stands up, "good night."

"...Alright, then. Let's go." He takes [name]'s hand, tangling his fingers with his'. Smiling, both leave.

Jean just sees them leaving, clenching his jaw. What had occurred was an instant reaction— as they were surrounded by literally everyone, what would have they thought about seeing something like that? It's not that Jean didn't mind, but he did.

"I hate him." Jean states, looking at the back of Eren's head in disgust.

Marco sighs. I fear a war between these two...

  When the lights are turned off and everyone is finally sleeping, Eren can't stop himself from hugging [name] —who is already asleep—, hiding his face on the crook of [name]'s neck, smelling his nice scent. He blushes as he leaves a soft peck on the other's cheek, feeling happiness by being reunited with him finally— a miracle, maybe, or just luck.

Nevertheless, he's sure he will not lose sight of him ever again. Closing his eyes and tightening his hold, he softly mutters a promise he swears to keep forever over [name]'s ear:

"I'm never letting you go again... I promise I'll protect you."

[the1stn0elle]

Attack on Titan Analysis Prt 3

Moral Ambiguity: Eren & Reiner (cont...)

The parallels between Eren and Reiner are uncanny here as Eren says “but you lot seemed like the bad guys to me.”. This correlates to the whole island of Marley hating the “island devils” of Eldia and wanting to eliminate them despite the Eldians being ignorant for centuries about the fact that there were even people alive outside the walls. Lied to by their history, they sat clueless behind walls not even having a sliver of an idea that they were hated by the entire world.

Here Eren begins to question Reiner’s actions and the reason he had to destroy everything Eren held dear. The destruction of wall Maria caused Eren’s life to take a completely different turn and it marked the end of his innocent childhood days that he would never see again. On that horrible day, Eren saw and experienced things no child should ever have to go through and all of it can be linked back to Reiner.

I think Eren can be so understanding in this situation because he’s been able to mostly connect the dots and understand Reiner’s actions as he is about to commit the same sins as Reiner but Eren unlike Reiner is aware of the consequences of his actions now and he is willingly about to massacre thousands of innocent people for the wrongs done to him and his loved ones. Eren is a morally grey character in this part of the story and his morals are overall very clouded.

Eren makes the connection that the people of Marley failed to. Eldians and Marleyans aren’t nearly as different as everyone makes them out to be, they are all simply humans trying to live their lives like they should have had the right to do from the very beginning, but they all live in a cold, twisted, and bleak world where nothing will ever be as it should.

Eren is very understanding of everything Reiner has been put through while growing up but he still feels no remorse for the mass killing he will soon commit. I really enjoy seeing Eren as a stoic guy who is cold and to the point. His words may seem like he may care somewhat but I see that he is almost unfeeling in his words spoken. Eren will continue to move forward until he eliminates the enemy and has no plans of backing down from this point onward.

Reiner has long since been experiencing the weight and consequences of his actions ever since he was still a cadet. Reiner has become so haunted by his past actions that while he was still in training he wholeheartedly convinced himself that he had done nothing wrong. Reiner would go through spells of confusion and denial as he had so strangely convinced himself he’d done no wrong that he started to believe it. The mission of the warriors did not come without regrets because all parties had gained meaningful connections through the lies they told their past comrades, but they only did what they had to do so they could live peaceful lives.