#cackling with crusty

[crusty-chronicles]

Ight so like a bunch of ging brain rot I have with y/n thinking that he’s emo/stoner or skaterdude man rat ugly dog thing and like constantly goes to hot topic and zoomies and like pac sun sometimes to buy him a bunch of useless shit like a goth dress and fish nets and like black lipstick and will do this at the worst times possible for example :

( ging will be at a meeting or something idk sometime important )

“HEY!! HEY LOOK AT ME!!! GING LOOK!! I GOT YOU SOMETHING!! LOOK AT MY GIFT!!1!!” While the pack of pride flags ( zodiacs ) would just like stare at him while you wave around the bags like some crack faced dirt ball, then rip the bags open and everything would like spill out ( corsets, eye shadow, Clair’s fish nets, mushroom earrings and like snake bites ) while like he’s just standing there ‘ ………🧍………’

I am cackling with tears in my eyes. Like just imagining his S/o outing him to everyone is so fucking funny. And he has to pretend he's not embarrassed by it so his street cred doesn't go down.

"Are those Shrek Crocs????"

"Yeah and what about them? Fuck off, Pariston. You wish you were me right now." As he's slipping them on.

And it makes him question why he's dating someone who's braindead with the energy of a puppy.

But honestly he could care less what the zodiacs think of him.

Now if you do that shit at the election 👀👀👀

He's crying on the inside. But again, street cred.

"I've got a question for Ging."

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have a Twilight tumbler?"

I cannot 😭😭😭

"Because my S/o loves me. Cry about it, loser."

And it's this one that he's been drinking out of for the past 45 minutes-

Just imagining y/n hitting up Kite going "I'm in the back of Spencer's and I'm scared....Do you think Ging would want something???"

And he's????

"No??? He's an Etsy shopper???? But get him the baby doll heads in a jar."

Dwune and List love you for it though. Especially Dwune. (It's him who planted the idea in your head about Ging. Revenge for changing his name.)

-------------------------

Bro I cannot believe you called him a fucking rat dog thing💀💀💀 Like that's it. That's the only way I will except Ging being described. He's a crusty eyed white dog. The ones that live for like 20 years and are clinging on through spite.

[rockabyerobin]

I drew this in a hyperfocused fit. I just think that old sleepy cat of a man needs reconciliation with his old buds please bc I am sad seeing him sad 😭

[sparkz-n-glitz]

#justcagethings

[awkwardcorner]

The vet said my cat has a really small penis 😔

[pangur-and-grim]

I have been behind on the times but have just binged your blog and firstly I hope your girls feel better soon, pancreatitis is rotten! Secondly, I am in love with your son and I am SO happy about his existence! Devons are my absolute favourite cat breed and I get so excited then they come into work. Crusty old devons are my weakness.

Ps, the photo of him sobbing on the vet table had me CACKLING. I adore him. I’m so happy for you. I’m sending strength to the ladies.

Xoxo your biggest fan + her half a dozen dogs (and these two)

pancreatitis is so nasty. when they go off food, I wish there was some way to say "nooooooooo you need that to live!" and have them understand.

it's a huge relief that they're both home and eating now!

as for the new boy, he is perfectly healthy and happy, and having the first catnip trip of his young life

[gremlingottoosilly]

The recruits bully octo baby 😭

I feel like since the baby looks like könig, it’s there way of making fun of könig without being throttled

Like on the off days that reader is out and about with octo baby in her sling and here are all these buff men suddenly circling her and making fun of the baby.

“Damn that’s an ugly baby.”

“Imagine having to go through the pain of pregnancies only to have THAT thing come out of you.”

“You think that’s how the colonel looked like as a baby? No wonder he had to kidnap his wife”

They’re all cackling to themselves as reader just scowls at them, hugging her baby close to her and power walking out of there. I can imagine octo baby looking over her shoulder, staring at them with his feelings hurt: 🥺

Yes! The monster society is literally built on valuing only strength and power, so the weird octobaby won't get any privileges even if it's the colonel's child. If anything, poor thing gets ridiculed even more - with how powerful his father is and how pathetic the octobaby are, it's impossible to escape crude jokes. You hate being around his recruits because of this - they are treating your child like its some crusty dusty ugly dog and not a precious baby that might have a bit of grotesquely mixed features of octopus and a human...you still love it!! You actually stopped going out because of it - whenever you're walking around the base without Konig, it would only lead to soldiers discussing you and your life as a pet and how weird it must be to give birth to such ugly creature. Konig is surprised that you're more homebound now, since you were the one to whine and cry whenever he didn't want to let you go out...and now you ask him to just be in your nest?? With you?? Something is wrong, you look unhappy and angry all the time - and it would be normal if he was the reason for this, but no, he was actually on his best behavior lately. You don't want to share what recruits are talking about because you think he would just take their side - he doesn't like the weird octobaby and you know this, so it's better to not even suggest he'd talk to them...but then you break down anyway because you're scared the octobaby is going to get hurt(( and Konig doesn't understand the issues at first, but then he hears all the stuff that the recruits have been telling you - and it's almost a direct attack at him, for insulting his mate and his baby. His soldiers are making you cry!! He couldn't care less about the baby, but he doesn't want his precious mate so sad. Needless to say that some of the most loud recruits are not returning from patrols...and when you're strolling through the hallways now, no one dares to even look at you or the baby.

[aalloochaat]

no guys but...boyfriend eren !!!!!!!!

bf!eren who has beef with your plushies, glaring and punching them every time he's over because he's jealous of the way you hug them to sleep.

bf!eren who spams your chats daily (every minute if he's bored as fuck and you're busy) with couple reels and a "pls can we do this ???? plsss 🥺🥺🥺" under every single reel he sends

bf!eren who laughs at the shocked look on your face when you find out he doesn't moisturize. like…. what the actual fuck eren. what's wrong with you. . .

“what do you mean “whats wrong with me”? i just don't moisturize! there’s nothing wrong with that!”

bf!eren bursting into giggles as you try to tackle him down, determined to moisturize the fuck out of him. you hold your lotion threateningly over him, trying to act all menacing, and it's the cutest thing he’s ever seen!

“eren u crusty ass motherfucker. IM GOING TO FIX YOU”

bf!eren that will never stop yapping about you to his friends and anyone else who’d be willing to listen to him gush about you for hours

bf!eren who will be SO nervous around you before the two of you start dating and are just in that weird talking stage because everything you do is just so adorable and he just wants to squish your cheeks and scoop you up in his arms because he's a simp 

bf!eren who will always be checking his phone just to see if you texted

bf!eren who GETS SO HAPPY WHEN HE WATCHES YOU EAT BECAUSE HEALTHY EATING HABITS, BABY!

or alternatively, bf!eren who is sometimes extremely concerned and absolutely baffled because you’re a weird little gremlin. “baby . . . are you eating. .. is that… WHY ARE YOU EATING PRINGLES WITH WHIPPED CREAM?!?!”

“...can i try some?”

bf!eren who lets you take weird pictures of him, smiling when you cackle to yourself. he’s just happy to see you happy !!!!!!!!!!!

bf!eren who gets flustered easily when you flirt for a change. he turns into a literal tomato, turning away and covering his mouth with his hand. he wont even be able to look you in the eye for literal days after that little incident !!!! :)

this one’s a given, but bf!eren who lets you do his makeup for fun >>>>>>>>>>>>

just. bf!eren. i love him guys. he's so babygirl,,,

[ghostly-writers]

“Waving it back and forth like a dainty fan” Mr Peterson with the book be like:

He’s very demur, very mindful

My Favorite Scene From Waking Nightmare

That Theodore's insane isn't a secret, but this scene is next level 😭😭😭.

Bro got the home invader aura 💀. He straight up said, “I just broke into your house and stole your shit, what you doing bout that?”

Close second to this is Maritza bribing the mail guy to stall Mr. Peterson, like wtf gurl? lmao.

[cimmerian1275]

Have a semi-realistic blue turtle!! *throws into the crowd*

Idk if theres any good refs for the rottmnt show?? Like, theres that one crusty, tiny, jpeg of a ref where Leo looks like hes been dropped a few times (no hate on the artist, but the derpy face on it makes me chuckle everytime xD) and thats the only (official?) ref for the show designs i can find???

I CANT FIND A GOOD REF? THEN ILL MAKE MY OWN!!! *CACKLES* (i love having all this power as an artist...) I also did this for practice, this is literally the beginning of my own character development arc where i FINALLY learn to draw humanoids.

Anyways, messed around and influenced it some more with my own realistic style <3

I have come to realize my favourite turtle is a pain in the butt to draw and trying to draw his pointy ass head makes me second guess my life choices.

Welp, gonna keep doodling and figuring out what style to draw these guys in <3

[hazbinshusk]

Husk 25 :D

prompt #25: a kiss that's an accident.

Angel bumps his shoulder against yours, the relatively gentle gesture still enough to almost knock your drunk ass off the stool you’re perched on.

“Ya should see this bitch on the dancefloor, Huskie,” he teases, throwing back the shot the bartender has just poured him. You steel yourself before doing the same, grimacing at the burn it leaves behind. You were far less practiced than the two of them. “Might even be enough to melt through your crusty ass exterior.”

 “Uh-huh,” Husk deadpans. Still, you can see an amused quirk to his lips. “I bet.”

The spider holds a hand to his chest and gasps in dramatic mock-offense. “Are ya doubtin’ me?”

“Angel, please stop,” you laugh bashfully, face flushing.

“I will not!” he declares. “Ya got an ass that won’t quit and a rack to match. Pretty sure even Whiskers here has been caught starin’ more than once.”

You blush, and Husk splutters through a mouthful of rum, caught between annoyance at the nickname and wanting to defend himself. Angel cackles, looking supremely pleased with himself.

“’s okay, Huskie.” he stage-whispers. “They like it.”

“For the love of everything in Heaven, please shut him up.” you groan, burying your burning face in your hands. Husk chuckles, surprising you by reaching over and patting your shoulder.

“If you think I���ve figured out how to get him to do that, sugar, you’re gonna be disappointed.”

“Pretty sure I’ve given you a few ideas on how’ta do that, baby,” Angel teases with a wink, and Husk rolls his eyes at the spider with a scoff, and despite the fact that an innuendo like that would usually get him cut off, Husk pours all three of you another drink.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Go on then, show Whiskers what the good Lord gave you,” Angel teases. He’s standing behind you now, his slender arms draped over your shoulders. He leans into your ear, the scent of cherry liquor on his breath. “And then Husk can thank the fucker for it next time he comes outta his tower.”

“Oh, fuck off,” you laugh, shoving him away again. You almost fall off your stool as you do, and Husk leans over the bar quickly to catch hold of your wrist and stop you from falling any further. His paw is warm and strong around your arm, and you feel the flush already lingering in your cheeks from the booze deepen further.

“That’s it,” Husk says, tugging you back onto your stool properly. He’s leaning so far over the bar that the edge of it is digging into his stomach, his wings extended slightly to balance him. “I’m cuttin’ the two of you o—”

Angel shoves you gently in the back and you tip forward, falling into Husk. Your eyes widen as your lips meet the corner of his, his own golden eyes glowing back at you. The two of you are frozen like that for a moment, his lips soft and warm and tinged with smoky whiskey. Husk’s hand tightens on your wrist, his thumb brushing over the soft skin where your pulse hammers away.

Your eyelids sink closed for a second, and you could almost trick yourself into believing that Husk shifts ever so slightly so that his lips meet yours properly before you jerk away, stuttering through an apology.

“Husk, I’m so… I’m so sor—”

Angel wolf whistles, squeezing your shoulders. “Not exactly a kiss that’ll end up sweepin’ the awards at the Sex-x-xi’s, buuuuut…”

Husk growls, his muzzle stained bright pink. “Angel, I’m gonna—”

Angel grins, bending down to smack a kiss against your cheek as Husk rounds the bar. “Night, dollface!”

Angel cackles as he takes off towards the stairs, Husk throwing a string of curses after him.

send me a prompt and either husk or blitzø

[i-cant-sing]

Dabi to Tomura: You are whimsical and silly! You’re not a little guy! YOU’RE UNSETTLING!

Tomura:…

Dabi: And you’re scaring the hoes

Tomura, rolls his eyes and ignores him: fuck off Dabi, im playing a game. *turns back to his monitor in his dark room*

Dabi, annoying as ever, flips on the switch: Im trynna help you man. Look at your dry ass skin. Aint no one gonna kiss those crusty lips. Why dont you come with me and ill take you to one of those salons my girlfriends like to go to- *is cut off by Tomura chucking his controller at Dabi's head*

Dabi, leaves the room cackling how hes gonna get his "little" brother that Cerave sponsorship soon, while Tomura is grumbling about not needing skincare and shit.

-

Also 2 hours later:

Dabi walks in on First Lady reader and Tomura having a spa day at home(they couldve gone to the salon but Kai insisted it was "too dangerous and also unhygienic to go out to a salon"), and reader just asked if Tomura wanted to spend some time with her, not expecting him to actually partake in the spa stuff- i mean, Tomura is wearing a fluffy headband to pull his bangs away, a sheet mask on his face, dead skin getting scrubbed off his feet, while he hums as you advice him to socialise more and that he should try dating someone, especially since you've been asked by many politicians and wealthy people to arrange dates for Tomura with their children.

Dabi just huffs in and sits on the massage chair next to you (after whacking Tomura on the back of his head and you admonishing him) and asks you to show him the list of candidates for Tomura so that he can personally select a date for his little brother (also texting Himiko to join him on teasing the shit out of Tomura) and now Tomura is grumbling under his breath with his ears pink as Dabi, Himiko and you have now set up all these candidates on a projector and are doing a very weird version of a dating app.

Maybe Kai joins you guys because obv hes not just going to let ANYONE marry his son- its gotta be a political marriage, one of power and he's gotta make sure Tomura's s/o is going to bring more power to political party.

[writingoddess1125]

Deal with the Devil

This is honestly just a Comedy no idea what this is 🤣

GNReader x AU Demon Buggy

Art Belongs to Vamos_MK on Twitter!

If you like Click Here <-

"You Fucking Asshole!" (Y/N) screamed, Tossing their phone across the room as you stood there.

Your Rotten Bastard of a Boyfriend- Best to say Ex now!

You'd done everything for him.. wrote his resume, got him job interviews, washed his crusty underwear!

He had wrecked your apartment, drained your saving all for what? The hope of God damn magic!

Yes Fucking magic-

He was a pinterest board having Half ass 'Witch' that claimed he was of a Witch blood line.

Maybe it was that Witch bloodline that lead him to stick his dick in some random as twink at the Bar!

"Fuck You!" You screamed in the air, sobbing as you rushed to your liquor cabinet- It wasn't like you had much but you grabbed the quarter bottle of vodka and the rum. It would do-

Playing terrible break up music you drank away your sorrows- Sobbing hysterically into your carpeted livingroom floor as you finished the vodka, You tossing the empty bottle across the room causing it to shatter.

Stumbling up, you waddle to the kitchen- in state deciding a cup was finally smart-

In you drunken stooper you grabbed a 711 cup from the counter wanting to pour more booze in it- but pausing when you saw it. Your EX's book of shadows- Aka a Dollar Tree Notebook were he stashed his stupid spells and random pages he pirated from the internet. Picking it up and getting ready to throw it in the trash with the rest of your EX's shit when you finally sober up-

But opened it randomly seeing a folded up peice of paper tucked I to the sides. Rolling your eyes you open it and see a well worn page, however it wasn't ancient by any means- the witches.com emblem in the corner cluing you in to that. But in big bold letters on the top said 'SUMMON A DEMON TO DO YOUR BIDDING!' Easy how to guide.

Fuck it- What did you have to lose! Your drunken hazy mind reasoned. Flicking the Dollar Tree book to an random page and tossing it down on the coffee table-

Looking through you saw the ingredients needed. Food, A liquid, lighter, a Vessel and DNA. Chuckling at the rather basic guide you plopped down and poured off a quarter of your bottle of Rum in the 711 cup-

"We recommend 'moon water'- Welp you're getting Captian Morgan-" You laugh as you pour more of the rum into your mouth, hissing at its burn as you look at the next instructions.

"Alright food- We recommend a herb or item you have a dee- fuck that" You grumble looking around and seeing some leftovers from the corner store. Taking the stale hotdog that had been on your table far too long.

"Fuck it- A hotdog will do" You said with a cackle as you shoved it into the cup without care.

"Now play music to set your intent-" You read, Laughing at the weirdness of this all.

"Music huh! Then we shall play the song of my God damn love life!"

With a crying laugh, you opening up your music app and playing what felt appropriate- Circus Music.

"Now last add DNA- May it be hair, Blood, nails. Ha! Yeah right. Got your DNA right here-" You say and spit into the 711 cup like a redneck spitting chew.

(DONT DO THIS AT HOME) after this you look at the instructions- 'Light the alcohol on fire and focus on your intentions' Pulling a lighter out you set the alcohol ablaze and sat there letting the circus music and smell of burning plastic and hotdogs fill your senses.

'I want to get fucked up and beat up a fucking loser!-' Was the only thing you thought before starting to feel yourself starting to black out. Not noticing the flames beginning to burn a bright blue as the shadows of the room wirled around you and took a solid mass.

Soon a shadowy figure eclipsed your form as a the smell of candy apples filled the room.

"HOW ARE YOU SUMMON THE GREAT AND MIGHTY BUGGY THE CLOWN DE-...." He stopped during his monolog and stared at his summoner- passed out on the couch infront of the coffee table while holding the now out lighter used to summon him and a half burned plastic cup, slouched over in a clearly drunken stooper and groaning loudly from discomfort. Waving his hand it detached and tossed the dirty cup into the sink noting the piles of moldy dishes that stopped the fire- Buggy glanced around now, noticing the dirty apartment and disgusting everything of the place.

He cringed at the sight- Looking to you and shaking your shoulder to catch your attention.

"Oi- You. Please tell me you aren't the fucker who summoned me-" He begged, watching you roll your head around confused stating up at the man before you. He wore what looked like a pirate get up- with a bright cherry nose and bright blue hair that reminded you of the sea-

You opened your mouth, prepared to tell this dude to get out of your house- Before that oh so familiar feeling hit you and you puked all over his pants and shoes in a aray of alcohol and chips.

The man giving a short scream at this as he stood there petrified.

"I'm sorry-" You managed before passing out. Leaving the clown standing there with a look of total disgust on his face as he stared at the fresh vomit all over him.

"YOUVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

[http-tokki]

bark like you want it

~ choso x fem!reader ~ tags/cw: fluff, fem reader, choso not understanding memes, canonverse, satosugu is canon, shoko is ur bestie, established relationships ~ wc: 400

"Is she calling you a dog?" Choso looks up from your phone to give you a confused look.

Your boyfriend hands the phone back to you, completely baffled at the text message you had shown him.

It was the text from your best friend approving your Halloween outfit choice with a lengthy message of barks and howls that had you cackling from the opposite side of the couch, startling Choso from his Animal Crossing gameplay. He had been eager to be in on the joke, clicking off his switch and shuffling to your side of the couch to get a peak at your screen.

"Is that good?" he asks, head titled to the side in befuddlement. "I thought being called a dog was a bad thing?"

Your nose crinkles in adoration at his confusion.

"Being called a dog is a bad thing," you confirm his earlier statement and wait for his nod of acknowledgement before continuing. "but what Shoko meant in that message is..umm.." you ponder the best and most straightforward way to explain the slang.

You don't mind walking your love through the things he doesn't understand. In fact, you find it rather adorable when he sends you memes or videos he doesn't get with a small text of help. You always write back with a thorough description of the joke and added resources so he could better understand it, but this one has you stumped. For a while, even you were uncertain of the intention behind the barking, but after seeing Saturo use it to flirt with Suguru, you knew it wasn't anything malicious.

"Okay, so, if I were to send you a picture of me and you think, 'Oh my god, she is so hot I need to tell her that she looks so good', instead of saying all that, you could write bark bark or something like that. Make sense?"

Choso looks just as perplexed as before.

"So you want me to bark?"

Your laughter explodes from you. "No, Cho, It's just meant to be something funny. You don't have to do that; I was just using me as an example."

"But it's a good thing, right?"

"Yes, it's a good thing," you affirm. "I'm always barking for you in my head; it's like a little crusty white dog in there, just going crazy."

It's Choso's turn to laugh at the image you outlined before him., giggling at the idea of you barking like a dog each time you saw him.

Two days later, you send a work fit to your boyfriend, and his text back is a simple.

bark bark bark bark bark bark

did I do it right?

a/n: i wrote this while making dinner pls be nice, my brain is exhausted I've been working on choso tattoo au

[heartsopenminds]

Con and Nathan, highlights #5

Q. What modern-day jobs would Izzy and Lucius have?

Nathan said a gossip columnist who would basically sell his soul to somewhere like the Daily Mail and be totally cut throat and step on anyone to be successful. Con said Izzy would be like a low budget hitman, just going around saying give us a quid and I’ll stab him. Nathan said the most literal translation for Lucius would be a researcher/assistant for a university professor who he thinks is a total idiot, and Con said or maybe a Tory MP. Con’s other answer for Izzy was a really angry chef, and if anyone complained about their food it’d be sent back to the table with a rather unpleasant addition to it!

Q. (to Nathan) Shag, marry, kill – improv, stand up, sketch comedy?

Nathan said this was the best question he’d ever been asked, and then without hesitation said he’d immediately kill improv, because improv performers are the most haunted people, then he'd shag stand up and marry sketch. Con said he agreed with Nathan, but then pointed out to Nathan that he’s actually very good at improv and Nathan was like fuck!

Q. Did you take anything from the set when you finished filming, or if not what would you have liked to take?

Con said he only found out recently that some people did take things from set, and he was kind of mad that he didn't do the same - if he had he would have taken Izzy’s waistcoat and glove. He did then say he’s accumulated so much stuff over the course of his career that he can’t remember where some of it even came from, so he doesn’t really do it any more. Nathan said he was too scared to take anything as he didn’t want to get in trouble, but he would have taken the wooden finger, partly because it was so sweaty and disgusting. He really loved the military coats they wore in the last episode and talked about them so much that the costume department made him a replica to take home, but it’s so specifically nautical that when he’s tried to wear it out to things he just thinks he looks a bit insane.

Q. What is your favourite cheese?

Nathan said ‘Brie for me, but yours would be harder’ which got a smirk from Con and lots of cackling from the audience. Con said he’d actually probably pick a good blue Brie. They were asked about crackers, and Con talked about a cheese plate he had in Dublin that was so good, he was compelled to post about it on Instagram, and it had some amazing granary, oaty crackers which were amazing but nothing beats really good crusty bread. Nathan said again that cheap Brie and Jacob’s crackers with lashings of butter would do him fine, but Con said that'll be the first thing to start changing when you get more and more successful.

Q. What would be your dream country to visit and what would you want to do and see?

Con said Iceland to see the fjords, then checked with the audience whether that was right, but then just doubled down his initial response. Then he said okay, Iceland and I guess Norway too, but maybe I've been before? Then realising how confused his whole answer had been, he was like look, I used to drink okay? Nathan said Iceland too, or Canada but then couldn’t really say why or whereabouts, so someone in the audience shouted Montreal and Con was like there you go, you can stay at that person’s house in Montreal, sorted. Nathan also said he’d love to live in New York if he could.

see other posts from this convention

[otaku-orochi-okami]

Hey aspies! Is there some girl you’re, like, totally obsessed with but have zero shot at? Gag me, this is gonna be rich. I’m so totally gonna “help” you handle her in a way that’s so deliciously disastrous, you’ll crash and burn harder than a clearance rack at Forever 21. Ready to flop, you hopeless little simp? Here’s your master plan—listen up, ‘cause I’m only saying this once before I roll my eyes and bounce.

Step one: be the most pathetic, clingy mess imaginable. Text her, like, a million times a day—flood her with “heyyy cutie” and “wyd babe” ‘til she’s gagging. Don’t take the hint if she doesn’t reply; just keep spamming her with heart-eye emojis and drooling selfies of your crusty face. I’d be like, “Yaaas, hun, smother her—she’ll totally fall for your desperate vibe!” Step two: get all up in her space IRL. Follow her around like a lost puppy, breathing down her neck, and dropping the cheesiest, lamest lines ever—“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, or are you just that hot?” Barf. Stare at her with your beady little incel eyes ‘til she’s creeped out and running for the hills. “Oh em gee, you’re so bold, king—girls love that stalker energy!”

Next, if you somehow manage to get a date? Flex your broke-ass “charm.” Take her on the shittiest date imaginable—think a stale Happy Meal at McDonald’s, and make her split the bill ‘cause you’re too cheap to even cover her fries. Whine about how you can’t afford shit ‘cause life’s so unfair, then beg her to Venmo you gas money. I’d cheer you on, “Slay, babe—show her you’re a total catch who can’t even buy a soda! She’ll be swooning!” Then, get real gross—burp in her face, scratch your balls mid-convo, and talk nonstop about your weird X rants. “Keep it raw and real, boo—she’ll adore your nasty authenticity!”

Finally, seal the deal by being a jealous, whiny fuck. If she even looks at another guy, throw a tantrum—“Why’re you talking to him, huh? I’m right here!” Cry about how she’s breaking your fragile little heart, then guilt-trip her with, “I’d treat you so good if you weren’t such a tease.” I’d be all, “Yaaas, make her feel like trash for not picking you—you’re the victim here, obvi!” When she inevitably ghosts you, leave her a dozen voicemails sobbing and begging her to take you back. “So iconic, hun—girls can’t resist a clingy meltdown!”

End result? She’ll block you faster than you can say “nice guy,” and I’ll be cackling on the sidelines, sipping my iced latte, like, “Oh my Gawd, you actually thought you had a chance? Delulu! She’s way too fab for your broke, beta ass—stay in your lane, loser!” You’ll be left licking your wounds, a total reject, while I mock you on Tumblr: “This simp really tried to bag a queen and flopped—lmao, stay pressed!” Like, sorry not sorry, babe—you’re a walking disaster, and she’s never gonna touch that mess. Byeeee!

[mannytoodope]

Bob:( chuckles ) Come on out, Jimmy.

Linda: Bob, what's going on? What are you doing?

Bob: We fight fire with fire, Lin.

Linda: Did you rip our bathroom mirror off its hinges?

Bob: It's how we take out the Death Star.

Teddy: I offered to neatly unscrew it, but Bob couldn't wait.

Bob: Sun's perfect. When Jimmy comes out, I'm gonna torch him. ( cackles )

Linda: Bobby, you're going to the dark side a little bit.

Bob: I'm gonna bring him to his knees!

Teddy: There's Jimmy. Now!

Trev: My eyes!

Teddy: Jeez, Bob, why did you get Trev?

Linda: His innocent eyes.

Bob: You said it was Pesto! I can't see... The sun's in my eyes.

Teddy: It's in my eyes too, Bob! I hate you, sun. You came between me and my friend. And you killed Trev.

Jimmy: You maniac, Bob. This Linguini could have been hurt.

Bob: I-I'm so sorry, Trev. It's okay.

Trev: My vision's coming back. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Linda: Jimmy, truce. Come on. We got to do something about the awning.

Linda: Nope. Never.

Trev: But Jimmy, you don't even like it.

Jimmy: Would you shut up, Trev?

Bob: Wait, what?

Trev: Tell them.

Jimmy: All right. It's... It's kind of sweltering under it. And echoey. And during that storm yesterday, some people thought it sounded like the end of the world. I only stuck with the awning 'cause you hate it, Bob. I'm allowed to be happy sometimes, too.

Bob: That's so dumb. Put back the old one.

Jimmy: Then what am I supposed to do with this?

Bob: Eat the cost and feel really bad about it? Hopefully?

Teddy: You know, Jimmy, you got that crusty old trough urinal in your bathroom. You could use this instead.

Jimmy: Turn an awning made from Ferrari bumpers into a trough urinal? Oh, hо, hо, hо. That is the classiest thing I've ever heard of.

Bob: I can't wait to urinate all over it.

Teddy: I'll go get my tools.

Linda: Yay! I want to pee on it, too.