#c) therapy is fucking expensive

[honorary-perfectionist]

will i be shot for self diagnosing ocd

[samaraxmorgan]

Your Roommate Sukuna

“That Time His Older Brother Gave Him A Tarot Reading”

Modern no curse AU, Sukuna X Reader

Synopsis: This housing crisis sure is no joke huh? Rent is just too expensive to live alone, so you put out a listing for a roommate and ended up living with none other than the tattooed bad boy Ryomen Sukuna! This is part of a series of drabbles and oneshots showing glimpses into you and Sukuna’s living situation!!

Contains: brothers au, pure fluff, reader is not present, Sukuna is pining hard

Word Count: 1.26k

Series Masterlist - My Full Masterlist

Sukuna isn’t one to make time for his family. Although he has an identical twin brother who bothers him far too much for his liking and an older half brother, he almost never talks about them and spends even less time talking too them. But today he was feeling nice… which is strange for him, but regardless, he decided to agree to come by his brothers’ apartment.

And was quickly reminded of why he never comes over.

Sukuna was seated on the antique couch while Choso kneeled in front of the coffee table between them, flickering candles on every surface bathing the living room in a soft warm glow and reflecting on the shiny surfaces of the crystals placed meticulously all over the table. Choso opened up a small black box, pulling intricately designed tarot cards from inside and fanning them between his fingers before spreading them face down across the table.

Sukuna really was trying not to roll his eyes at the whole ordeal, but the man can only take so much before he’s bound to cave, “This is so stupid.”

“Shh…” Choso leans forward and presses his finger over Sukuna’s lips.

“Don’t touch me.” He grumbles.

“Shut up,” Choso loses his calm demeanor for only a second before he’s closing his eyes again, “I’m focusing.”

“On what?”

“I’m tuning in…” He wiggles his fingers over the cards, “to the energies.”

“Jesus fucking christ.” Sukuna rubs his temples, “When did you start doing this witchcraft shit again?”

“Not witchcraft,” Choso peeks one eye open to shoot a quick glare at his brother, “And yesterday.”

“Oh you’re a real professional huh?” He smirks down at him.

“Sukuna,” His shoulders slump and he lets out a frustrated huff, “Just, fucking shut up.”

The two of them squint as the lights suddenly flick on, Yuuji not quite getting the memo of what’s going on downstairs as he leans his head over the stair railing to peek into the living room, “Ooh, how’s the satanic ritual going?” He calls out from the stairway.

“Yuuji!” The two of them call out in unison. He lets out a little “Oops” and flicks the light back off, running back to his room upstairs.

Choso rubs his eyes, smudging his eyeliner onto his fingers, “Okay just, pick a card.”

Sukuna huffs out an annoyed breath, reaching forward and tapping his pointer finger on one of the cards in the middle. Choso slides the card down in front of Sukuna and flips it over, revealing an upside down picture of a man sitting upright in a bed with his head in his hands and swords neatly stacked on the wall behind him.

“Oh, interesting.” Choso mumbles.

“The fuck is he crying about?” Sukuna leans down and squints at the card on the table, “It’s upside down.”

“It’s reversed,” Choso clarifies, “The nine of swords reversed.”

“Choso, I don’t know what the hell that means.”

The long haired man sits up a little straighter, pointing at the card with a manicured finger, “This first card is your past. The next will be the present, and the last will be your future.” He picks the card up and scans it carefully, “You were… struggling, alone, not one to talk to others even when you need to-“

“What is this fuckin’ therapy?”

Choso groans and rolls his eyes, “God knows you need it, but no. Anyway,” He clears his throat, “You were in a downward spiral, but this is past tense, clearly you’re more open now considering,” He gestures vaguely around the room, “Well, you’re here for once.”

Sukuna is visibly annoyed, not a fan of being picked and prodded at. Choso places the card back down on the table, gesturing for Sukuna to pick another one, which to Choso’s surprise and for Sukuna’s morbid curiosity, he does; tapping his finger on a card pushed to the side of the table.

Choso flips the card over, and once again, it's upside down. It pictures a man sitting cross crossed in front of a tree, three golden goblets on the grass in front of him and a fourth being given to him from a disembodied hand floating next to him.

He’s really fuckin’ bad at organizing his cards.

Choso’s gaze flickers between Sukuna and the card, his brows furrowed in thought so clearly that you could almost see cogs turning behind his eyes, “Four of cups… reversed.”

“The hell does reversed mean?”

“It’s usually a negative version of the card’s meaning.”

Sukuna scoffs, “Oh fuckin’ lovely.”

Choso props his elbow onto the table, tracing the outline of the card with his finger, “You’re withdrawing-“

“Well yeah. No shit,” Sukuna cuts him off, “You’re telling me I’m cursed. What’s the damn card mean?”

“That is what the card means, idiot. You’re reluctant to open up to someone.”

Sukuna leans back against the couch, crossing his arms over his chest, “Who?”

“I don’t know,” Choso shrugs, “Maybe the future card will clarify.”

“Absolutely not.” He huffs. Choso looks up at him with confusion, “I told you this was stupid, I’m not picking another.”

The light flicks on once again, Sukuna groans at the sound of Yuuji’s voice yelling from the stairway, “Sounds like someone’s a fucking pussy!”

“Yuuji, quit eavesdropping or I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out.”

The light flicks back off.

Choso looks up at Sukuna expectantly, and after glaring down at him for a moment he breaks, rolling his eyes and flipping over a random card, “If it’s upside down I swear to fucking god-“

“Oh shit!”

“What?” Sukuna sounds almost startled, looking down at the card he sees that this one is upright; picturing a naked man and woman standing in front of some kind of angel. But he’s quickly able to gather the most damning part of the card.

The bottom of the card says “The Lovers.”

“Oh fuck off.”

A smile spreads across Choso’s face, “I don’t think I need to explain this one to you. And it’s not upside down.”

“Reversed.” Sukuna mockingly clarifies.

“Shut up,” Choso leans forward, grin still plastered on his lips, “Who is it?”

“It’s nobody, this shit isn’t real.” Sukuna scowls, but deep down he’s glad the room is so dark to hide the tint in his cheeks.

It’s not fucking real idiot. Stop it.

“How about this,” Choso clasps his hands together, looking up towards the ceiling, “If this shit is real, give us a sign.”

Yuuji flickers the lights.

“No! Stop interfering, this is serious!” Choso yells out towards the stairway.

But Sukuna’s blood runs cold as his phone buzzes in his pocket, quiet enough that no one could hear, but he could feel it.

It’s not real.

The room is silent for a moment as Choso scans for any type of sign, but it’s as if the world had completely stopped turning, not even the candles were flickering. Choso plops his head onto the coffee table, mumbling under his breath, “I don’t know why I thought that would work.”

“Mhm.” Sukuna hums, putting up a disinterested front as he pulls his phone from his pocket, “Can we watch a movie or something now like a normal family?”

Choso defeatedly blows out the candles, collecting his crystals and placing his tarot cards neatly back into the box, “Fine, fine, but I still think it’s real.”

Sukuna’s heart nearly stops beating when he unlocks his phone and sees a text from you, “If u leave dirty dishes in the sink one more time I’m actually gonna kill u in your sleep.”

God I hope it’s fucking real.

A/N: Family bonding time has never been so awkward, anyway here’s that time Sukuna started to believe in magic, or witchcraft, or anything if it means you like him as much as he likes you. Dividers by @adornedwithlight

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!!

[inadeqcies]

❝ —— MY  FATHER  SAYS  SHE  WAS  BORN  LUCKY  .  HE  SAYS  I  WAS  LUCKY  TO  BE  BORN "

WCS | MUSINGS | CLICK BELOW FOR INTRO

. ･ﾟ   ┇    (  taylor zakhar perez  .  cis male  .  he/him  )  .    ⸻ ricardo garcia  ,  twenty-seven years old  ,  has  survived  another  day  in  red  creek  where  they  have  lived  for 6 months . the  regal is  known  for  being  hubristic  and steely and  is  often  associated  with routinely clenching and unclenching jaws, slow smirks that feel like a deal with the devil, clean pressed perfectly tailored shirts matched with expensive cologne  .  in  a  small  town  where  they  work  as  the owner of the register word  travels  fast 

HELLOOO ! i’m g ! i’m 27 , living in the cursed aedt tz . . i use she / her pronouns . i am a proud indian , and lover of all poc ! i’m also doing the dolly parton working 9 to 5 , what a way to make a living ! so my activity will be v random as i also got a new job and i think the hours will be wild !

inspo for ricardo is jackson whittemore ( teen wolf ) , guzman ( elite ),  every character from succession , harry bingham ( the society ) maybe a little logan echolls ( veronica mars ) and a little bit nate jacobs ( euphoria ) 

he puts the ASS in ASSHOLE ( and clASSy , but i prefer asshole )

heterosexual cis male . . . that says it all :/

a demon boy

honestly ricardo is an arrogant and smug piece of shit , who has probably offended you or said something greatly insulting to you at some point in your life ( im so sorry and i will continue apologising for him but he really is so irredeemable ) 

uses people so he can get ahead / get what he wants

is only focused on himself and an outcome that suits him

will use you

will treat you like shit

will smirk annoyingly as he does it all

cruel

has major anger issues

has major issues in general tbh

honestly just really hates himself and has so much self hate and pent up anger . he probably should go to therapy

‘ i feel like i’m the worst , so i always act like i’m the best ‘

he was given up for adoption at a young age , and thats basically the main source of all of his rage and anger and ability to think he is not worth anything ( self fulfilling prophecy tbh )

he bounced around for a while , foster home to foster home . he got into a lot of fights , with other kids , and with foster parents . he was not an easy kid , nor did he try to be . if anything - he always did the opposite

lowkey definitely has commitment issues and doesn’t like the idea of needing anybody except for himself , hence why he will always be snarky and a lil ass

he finally got adopted properly when he was about 15 years old - by two women who are smart , intelligent , quick witted and very wealthy

he was not close to them , despite their best efforts , but he does greatly respect them and their ‘’’ Hustle ‘’’’

he's come to redcreek for . . . reasons that may be explained later hehe . he's been here for 6 months and he fucking hates it ! he hates u people ! he hates this shitty town !

he definitiely paid his way into owning the register like by no means should this be his job . he's so Succession coded .

i am soooo open to connections and plots ! sorry this isn’t v well developed but i usually work best off chemistry and just kinda running with whatever ? i'm online really sporadically so pls forgive that . . . also pls forgive me for bringing such a c-bomb of a character in LMAO .

[alirhi]

life rant. feel free to skip

I know this will be a big ol' pot of "well, duh" to anyone who's been dealing with disability in the US longer than I have, but I just need to get this shit out of my head...

Sometimes, it's not ONE THING that's kicking your ass. The government wants you to point to ONE diagnosis, with lots and lots of documentation from doctors clearly spelling out that you are Disabled Because of This One Thing, but that's not always how shit works, and the rigid flat-out refusal to introduce any kind of nuance into their system makes me want to burn it to the fucking ground.

And then there's the hoops we have to jump through just to GET a diagnosis, and even then no one will actually fucking SAY that this condition, that they diagnosed you with, that is recognized as a disability by the ADA, actually disables you.

I have multiple things wrong with me. Multi system failure, if you will. One system was buggy at best from the start, but everything else was working okay and managed to compensate. Then the other systems started glitching one by one, and now everything is shit. I would LOVE to be at work, even one of the shitty, soul-crushing dead-end jobs I've been complaining about since I was 16. I'm back in the town I know like the back of my hand that I used to walk for hours and hours just because. I'm lucky to make it out my front door now.

I'm autistic. I need a routine in order to function. I can't have a routine anymore because I never know from one day to the next if I'll even have the energy to get out of bed that day or not. I'm diabetic, which means I need to eat a certain way (and on a schedule because I need to take my meds with food) that I can't afford to maintain because food is expensive, healthy food is way more expensive, and I haven't been able to work in over a year. I have fibromyalgia, and the doctor who diagnosed it and just increased my med dose for it refuses to say whether or not he thinks it's a disability. Depression, anxiety, OCD, c-PTSD... multi system failure. all needing different things to deal with them, all working against each other and kicking my ass in the process. I'm in therapy, I'm on meds, I'm doing what can be done but I am still disabled. But since no one will acknowledge this, I'm a burden on everyone around me with no way to contribute that doesn't make everything I'm dealing with even worse.

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I put this in a discord chat im in but i wanted to put it here too. Today i got diagnosed by my therapist with c-ptsd.

Hhhh today is a day of surthriving. Had therapy this morning and was rough, but i was able to communicate some of my frustrations well. Got some clarification on stuff. Like he said forget about any of the schizophrenia stuff, i dont have it, so thats a relief. He said for a clinical dx i do have CPTSD. And that my episode that id had before when i started seeing him was a dissocaitive episode. So it was nice to get clarification on that i was thinking it was like a psychotic or manic or something but dissociative makes sense with what all went on. Ugh gah but then talked with a real young part and stuff coming up and just ugh fuck i hate. People. Just very heavy. Having things validated. But im so grateful for the coping mechanisms ive developed. Hhhhhhh fuck its just hard. Heavy heavy heavy. Just trying so hard to keep every thing contained so i can get through work. Thank god for Work Mode 🙏. Id been dxed with ptsd already but i did suspect it was cptsd but man having that validated by a therapist ugh i just feel like ive been taking punches and punching brick walls >.< idk i just wanted to express this all somewhere. "Put it out there"

Thats what i put in the chat earlier.

Idk i wanted to write about it i guess. He was saying too how like a diagnosis yknow its fluid it can change. Which im fully on board with i know it can only really be a snapshot of your current whatever experiences. But one thing i really appreciate about getting that dx and that validation and assurance is that it supplies me the language to tell my story. I realized that that was one issue that i had with how generally non-pathologizing my therapist is. Its also something i appreciate about him though, but i just felt like i couldnt really. Like not even tell my story but know my story. I felt lost and confused and uncertain about what my experience was and how i fit in with the world and people around me.

Who really am i? What defines me as an individual? It helps me answer these questions more fully. Not to say my diagnoses are all that i am or can capture the complexity of me as a being.

Its incredibly validating to do this work. I feel alive and autonomous in a way i never really have before. Some of the parts i work with are so so young. If i wasnt doing this work with a therapist i dont think i would really be able to do it. So im very grateful for my circumstances that allow me that. Although i can tell my therapist wants to do more frequent sessions, but it is expensive and insurance sucks so. Idk. Is what it is.

Ugh but this work also fucking sucks and makes things so so hard. But i know im better for it. Gahhahahshbsgdgdgdhd.

Oh man im also really glad too he labeled what that episode was. I was thinking it was a psychotic or manic and maybe i had bipolar, bc some of my family has been dxed with that. But no he said it was CPTSD. and a dissociative episode. Which man even just writing that out again its just. I cant even really identify how it makes me feel its just this kinda hmmm pressure?? Electrical flux? Along the back of my head.

Im grateful for being able to communicate better with my parts too. I was able to get across some things today that i havent been able to for a while and im glad things went well, even if it got tough. Really friggin tough. I know im moving in the right direction.

Id already been diagnosed with ptsd but that was through my psych who specialized in autism and idk it didnt really sink in. Its different now getting diagnosed by someone who knows me very well, ive been seeing him for like over two years now, so i have a lot of trust in his oppinion. But gosh so many raw nerves. Plus its c -ptsd which like, doesnt mean its worse than ptsd or anything lol some people seem to think that but thats more what i was suspecting. It just made more sense to me than standard ptsd with all the dissociation. But i feel really validated and seen and heard and hmm self assured even! Which is so rare for me. I feel like there was a lot of movement and change today. So this post is really just to commemorate it all. Getting diagnosed with cptsd tho, for me its very different than it was getting diagnosed with autism. Maybe thats because of meeting with that part right after tho :/

[tewz]

I think it's such a shame that no one can get mental help in Upper Michigan, USA. I had to take "getting help" into my own hands and read into psychiatry/different therapies and teach myself how to be less depressed/anxious on my own because my survival instinct kicked in and I can't just go without help. I literally had to help myself as a last resort. It was really difficult but I somehow pulled through. I'm still not able to function like a proper adult (can't work or drive), but I'm no longer s**c*dal and planning my own death like I did between the ages of 14-28. My 30's have actually been great so far. I have a lot less episodes and they are shorter and less intense. I haven't self-harmed in about 5 years or so too. Some people can't conquer such a thing though, and I am really concerned for several of my friends. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who live in my area who come to me crying about how they can't take it anymore. A couple of them jumped through hoops to get online therapy (tele-health, but it's very pricey and inconvenient). It's pretty much all of my friends at this point. Like my advice and compassion can only do so much and it doesn't ever seem to help them. It's become a little tiring in a way.

Same with getting a dentist with cheap insurance. The greedy conservatives (which is 2/3 of the population here) won't allow it. We all have to travel downstate or to Wisconsin to get basic work done (it takes 3.5 hours of driving to get downstate and 2.5 hours to get anywhere good in Wisconsin + no one drives or can afford cars anymore so we're all doomed). I'm gonna have to start getting to the abscess stage again to have to energy/drive to seek another dentist willing to help and that is not fair. I shouldn't have to look like I do hard drugs just because no one will fix my teeth + depression never helped with that equation either.

Everyone's life up here is a disaster. I live in a corner of the world that is sickeningly resource-less. The nearest psychiatric hospital is 1.5 hours away and doesn't usually accept people unless they've committed a crime or something drastic. The 2nd closest one is a double drive down to Wisconsin, unless you have Michigan-only insurance, then you're driving 6 hours downstate.

Another thing that drives me up the wall is the lack of basic ANYTHING. My friend from New York wants to come visit, but there's little to no AirBnB's up here unless you find a cabin in the woods with no phone/internet service, T-Mobile doesn't reach up here, no Uber drivers of any kind (2 expensive taxi companies that are overbooked all the time is the only way to get anywhere), no basic stores to find anything you're looking for so we all have to order stuff off the internet, no records stores in the entire U.P. except for a couple run-down multi-media stores that have maybe a bin or two of 60's country and Christmas music on vinyl, etc, etc. Also, my town has always been living about 10-15 years in the past. You can't find online reviews or even websites for most stores because the boomers and bootlicking assholes around here don't know what the fuck computers are. And if there's a fashion trend that I find on the internet (like crop tops of example), they won't hit our stores until 5 years later when the trend slows down. The end. Rant over. I don't wanna upset myself but like... lol...

[ill-caterpillar-7616]

My life is falling apart and I’m so close to a relapse

My marriage is crumbling due to my own mental health and lack of affection. I feel as though I’m failing my kid at every turn, even when everyone keeps saying I’m doing well or telling me how smart and well-behaved he is. I’ve had to move 2 hours away from my husband and toddler to my mom’s house as my grandmother is now needing 24/7 care probably until she passes (expected within a year but who fucking knows) since no one else in the family can or will be bothered by their own mother dying. An ACTUAL live in caregiver wouldn’t be covered by insurance and would be too expensive. My kid is going to have to live like we have split custody. I feel as though I have barely any true emotional support as my husband is struggling with his own battles that I’m trying so hard to fix/ help with since they’re mostly my fault. My friends are all long-distant or online, and I’m not REALLY that close to any of them at this point in my life. My mother is juggling her job, finances, her mother’s health, her mother’s impending death, another mouth to feed as I can’t bring much monetary assistance to the house, and so much more so it fucking seems like I can’t seem to even ask her to take my kid for 5 minutes after a LONG day, not only doing my duties to my kid and grandmother, but helping my own mother outside even though I have chronic joint pain and a fatigue condition that left me feeling like I was going to collapse from exhaustion, pain, and lack of oxygen by the time I finally pushed my body back inside. SHE WOULDNT EVEN LET ME GET THE QUESTION OUT OF MY MOUTH!! I had been struggling to get him to go to bed for over 30 minutes and I just needed a moment (we do NOT do the cry it out in this household). All I said was”Moma,-“ and it’s all “no, it’s not happening, I have to be up early,” as if I’m not having to ALSO wake up early to get my grandmother dressed, fed, taken to the bathroom, and received her toe fungal meds alongside the other laundry list of medications before she needs to be out the door at 8:30 in the morning

Now, I am aware of my responsibilities as a parent and that as I have MY child, he is MY responsibility, and I don’t want to push him off to other people who have enough on their plate, but to ask for 2 seconds of help from my own mother and to be shot down so quickly and (IMO) cruelly, fucking hurt. I’m taking care of her mother and so far, for just the price of a vape (I’m trying to quit. Also I don’t expect monetary return on help I’m just adding it in I guess. Idk at this point). I have a whole life and family that is falling apart but I know I’m the only option here. My siblings either work or are out of state. My aunts and uncles either have work (which some have the ability to still help even then), their own elderly to care for, or my favorite, care more about their weird church’s “volunteer work” or mowingg their lawn more than coming to help or even fucking visit. Like. Who fuxkin does that?!??!?

So with all of that info… I battled with an addiction to self harm for over 7 years. I’m riddled with scars on my body but I have been 4 years clean as of so far. However, with everything going on, it’s becoming harder and harder to push the thoughts away and think on the things that usually help me get away from those urges/temptations. I hate it because my husband and our baby have been the pillars to my continued clean streak/sobriety(?) and with everything falling apart as it is right now… I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity if I’m being honest. I have to cancel and put a rain check on both my therapy that I JUST FUCKING STARTED and my psychiatrist appointment (I hope I can just call him and let him know the dosage is fine). It’s all just a big fucking mess.

Im sorry. I know there are many details missing to all of this but it’s not for advice… I just needed to get it off my chest. I can’t tell anyone else. Can’t worry those who are my closest circle bc EVERYONE is dealing with something right now and my BS just …no.

[gr1an]

Pssst psst *slides you 1 Minecraft diamond 💎* I would love to hear about your grian mental health conspiracy board if you are willing to share

who’s ready to get so incredibly parasocial!!!! i have ideas about both c!grian and cc!grian but my conspiracy board is just cc!grian so. i guess i’m explaining that today.

the center of this conspiracy board is that grian has (probably) undiagnosed adhd but also is incredibly intelligent and the unhealthy thinking patterns that arose from that going untreated for so long have led to what appears to be emotional dissociation and also a host of other mental issues.

important context: i’m probably projecting into grian here. my adhd went undiagnosed until my senior year of high school and it (among other things) caused a lot of issues as a result and i see that Very Reflected In Grian but i don’t know how much of it is seeing stuff that actually just. isn’t there.

the adhd thing i don’t feel like i need to explain like. right. we all agree that man is so incredibly adhd.

1. emotional dissociation: you can only make the “i almost actually felt something” joke before i start to go 🤨 . i don’t have any specific instances but it’s a regular joke he makes in GIGS phasmo both the vids on his channel and the streams i’ve see. and i think his past bitchiness is also a probable symptom of the. lack of feeling emotions.

2. he’s very skilled in a lot of things. however. if he’s not good at something immediately, or if he’s not at least immediately having fun, he will emotionally and mentally disengage in a way that is very detrimental to his own performance in things as well as others around him.

3. he also compares himself when he is hyper-focusing (and we all know the issues that come with that. neglect of other needs not being the least of them) to when he isn’t and gets frustrated when his results aren’t the same. it’s one of the things that makes me so convinced that his adhd is undiagnosed bc hyper-focus is not an unknown thing that comes with having adhd. if he could name what is happening and rationalize his actions with this explanation he’d probably be having a bit better time mentally.

4. grian has a reasonable ability to roleplay, we can see this in evo and also his interactions with grumbot in s9, but his roleplay is not usually. emotion-filled (forgive me if i’m wrong here i’m only like 20 episodes into evo and i know the end is what makes ppl insane). so he’s pretty good. but i don’t think the frustration and anger in the “because i’m me!” clip of him is acting. it may be played up for the bit but his teeth are audibly gritted. and this is him expressing incredible frustration at a pattern of behavior that he’s had since For Fucking Ever. lack of impulse control, even if it’s just about small things, is incredibly frustrating to deal with from the inside, and it’s made all the worse when those around you make comments at your expense about how stupid/silly it was for you to have done that thing. this is an adhd thing but i think it deserves special attention bc he’s very impulsive and it nearly always ends up making people or himself frustrated down the line.

5. surprising approximately no one, someone who was bullied in school reacts Incredibly Negatively to sudden stimulus. (martyn startling him while mining, him getting physically nauseous from being startled by the mail sound????)

in conclusion, grian you were so correct when you said “what i actually need is therapy” bc he needs someone to help him figure out the things his brain is doing so he can stop misattributing Symptoms to Personal Moral Failings. bc they’re not and it hurts to see him imply that.

[thefloatingstone]

I give you garass for the unhinged bingo cus I know you want to

hdkfjdshjk My power is off right now so SURE WHY NOT. I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO

Sadly I didn't get bingo because Garrus is not like me really 😂 And he's not a "pwecious widdle" anything despite having permanent OwO face

Fun notes!

I haven't tortured them (yet?) so no checking off that box

"Cradling gently in arms" makes me go /////// so I didn't check it

"WHY are they like this???" no no. I know EXACTLY why he's like this. That's the appeal. It's also why "GO TO FUCKING THERAPY" is checked.

Mommy issues is a ? because Garrus doesn't have mommy issues the way he has daddy issues. But his "mommy issues" is his mommy has a degenerative neurological disease and from the sounds of it has been sick for a WHILE and there is no talk or expectation of it getting better. To the point that him leaving C-SEC greatly affected the family income which in large part went to medical expenses. Not to mention his mom was the reason he didn't follow through with his scholarship because his dad worked off world and his sister is 10 years younger than him so he gave up the scholarship to instead remain home while his dad was away to help out at home.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF ALL OF THAT COUNTS AS MOMMY ISSUES OR NOT.

[zetsubonna]

The THING is, a lot of these people who are reacting in this Calvinist fashion just. Do not read philosophy or psychology. (Y'all spend a lot of time on the internet talking to each other, which is fine, but sometimes you gotta go outside your comfort zone in search of mental forgaging exercises.)

So I'm going to give y'all this link to a Psychology Today article on the Four Elements of Forgiveness, which is not paywalled, and then go on a little riff of my own.

From the article:

A. Express the emotion B. Understand why C. Rebuild safety 4. Let go

The author explains, in the article, that the mix of letters and numbers is very much intentional, because the first three elements are in communication with each other and all have to be balanced before going to 4 is possible.

Y'all can unfollow forever/block/whatever if you want, but I have fucked up in my life and I have hurt people. A few of those people have chosen to never interact with me again, and that's their right and I do not chase after people who do not want me. But the person I consider my most often injured party is my younger sibling, and, while I have offered multiple unconditional apologies, I have never asked them for forgiveness.

Whether they forgive me or not is not about me. That's about them. That's their journey. (They have told me that they forgive me, and I try to accept that graciously, but I do not hold their grace as infinite.)

Whether I forgive myself, though, that's between me and myself

A. I express and experience regret for the things that happened between us when we were children, decades ago at this point, and I feel I have a lot of things to regret. I was a child, and I was abused, and I passed that pain along, sometimes intentionally, but usually without thought. I would have said then, and I still say now, that I love my sibling[s] more than anyone on this earth. When I think about my sibling[s], I think about a quote from a show I like, where a sister tells her brother: "I love [partner] with all my heart, but you. You are my heart. You know that, right?" Like, everything I know about myself, I know because they taught/showed me. I exist as I am because of who we are and have been to each other. Knowing that I have not always been kind to them and being able to cite specific examples of times I caused harm, that self awareness occasionally brings me deep sorrow.

B. I know why I did those things: I grew up in a constant climate of abuse. Many different kinds, from many different sources, and I spent most of my childhood and a large chunk of my adult life under that state of constant stress, endlessly operating under duress. The abuse was the behavior that was modeled for me, and while the hard fact of my parentification did not make me an adult, it also did not change that I used some of that unearned authority to my advantage at the expense of those I was meant to safeguard. I knew better, in some cases, but I did not choose to be a martyr about it: sometimes I let someone else take the damage in my stead. It was not okay, but it was understandable. I was largely in survival mode, and people do things, when they are in a conflict, they would not do otherwise.

C. I have been in therapy and on psychoactive medication for a decade. I do not skip therapy appointments. I do not miss doses. I am not interested in weaning off my drugs. I have identified the patterns of the abusers in my life and take steps, daily, to avoid replicating those behaviors in myself. I resist any position of authority I do not feel I can handle, and try to stick to relationships between equals whenever I can. I try to keep lines of communication open. I try to build trust by maintaining confidences and using thoughtful honesty. I give unreserved praise and encouragement whenever I can. I love fiercely, and try to stay humble, in the hope that I do not hold myself above or apart.

4. I cannot undo what I have done. It is done. Time moves in one direction. I can do better today, and better than that tomorrow. I will.

Now, y'all, most importantly: so can you. You cannot undo what you did, but neither can you allow it to destroy you. You cannot constantly punish yourself. I promise that nobody [decent] wants to be the stick with which you self flagellate, not really, and for sure nobody worth fucking talking to wants to hear you talk about what a shit person you are. The only person you should inflict that shit on is a therapist. They elected to train for that profession and they get paid to listen to it. Almost nobody else does. (Tip your hairdressers and bartenders, y'all.)

the thing is, if your younger self was a bigot or an abuser, u can't make people forgive you. but you still gotta forgive yourself, like that's non-negotiable, dude. that happens before u can even ask the question of earning forgiveness from anyone lese

[soulfullionbunny]

i tried to change myself for her but i cant. i tried to be more active on social media but im just not someone gy have a need to express myself. i dont want people to see me, and i dont want people to hear me. besides, going public is seriusly putting ourselves at risk for identity theft/scam. do you know how many sensitive information we exposed? the fact that my instagram and tiktok is public is goddamn nervewrecking. had to hide my birthday, my adress and shit. tu pun x complete, my college and my old high school still there. fuck me i hope im not one of those people yg kena scam sbb tu dowh.

i also tried to be more outgoing, but didnt end well. not a fan being mesra and doing small talk. if im gonna connect, i want it to be over something i will have in common with. in the mean time, i will stuck around wiht my extroverted friends je. im not comfortable with strangers honey, sorry.

then i tried being a rider/rempit. she mentioned she likes them, so... aku pun dah lama plan nak beli motor. maybe she like me again if aku ada ciri2 yg dia suka. but i cant gak bcs that would need money, and im using my money for the future. i cant spend it on that (yet). i know rezeki boleh cari yada yada bla bla but this is my way of mencari rezeki. i will secure money for me and my family first before i spend it on commitment camtu. it will be fun and it will be badass af, but too bad, i have a future to secure.

generally x de changes sangat, im still me. im not pious even after the changes i did. tried memorizing the Quran but i think im too slow for it. at least aku x tinggal solat dah which is good. i can offer religion stability to me future family. im still autistic, having ADHD and C-PTSD. those are permanent, so they are part of me FOREVER lol. therapy is getting expensive so i had to downgrade to public therapist and some exercise my old therapist gave to me. emotionally im more present but damn it takes a lot of energy. probably why i never express it in the first place. lagi 1, my god im also still horny af. i dont know what is wrong with me but my libido is never ending man. this is clearly not porn problem sbb i stop it cold turkey, its my bio problem. dasar species kena kawen awal. i held back lama but at some point kena release gak lmao. bcs of that i had no choice to marstubate once a while. its not that hard actually without porn, but actually easier. probably i dont need the extra help. and its actually flood everytime i did it. damn i probably need to write a separate post about my masturbation journey HAHAHAHHA.

anyway, changes are hard but im changing. but to be a completly different people is impossible. I would appreciate myself more, and just be the best of me instead of other people.

[pending-dope-username]

why does my state hate me? (tw for talk of transphob!c laws)

The state I live in has laws prohibiting insurance companies from covering hormone replacement therapy. This means that in order for me to take testosterone, I would have to pay out of pocket. The cheapest form of testosterone is $40-$100. Injections aren't the only form but it is the best option for money's sake. I currently do not have a job since I'm still in high school. Not a lot of jobs will hire without job experience but I'm an 18 year old who needs job experience because I don't have any because no one will hire me without it. It's a shitty cycle many exist in.

There is no way that with that problem that I will be moving out of state soon. So I am left with two options. Pay for HRT 100% myself or prolong the wait for it. There's problems with both. Paying for it myself leaves me with the challenge of budgeting around payments. If you've been around in the last four years, you will know that the price of living is way too expensive and a minimum wage job barely gets you a shitty place to live and shitty food that probably won't last you till your next paycheck. Not ideal.

Prolonging the wait leaves me with the possibility of completely spiraling out of control and destroying myself or seriously hurting myself. Also not ideal. Currently these are my only options. I can't even with how fucking shitty this is.

If my timelines and calculations are correct, I will either be leaving the state in late 2025-early/mid 2026. Or I will be left with little to no "fun" money/rainy day fund. Why is this the world we live in? I don't even know which states are safe anymore. They've changed in less than a year and they're still changing. i am falling apart alongside every other trans person.

"It's not gonna be that hard."

It's fuckiing hard. And all the people telling us that we are making a choice and not actually born this way are full of fucking bullshit. Why would we choose this? Why would we choose to let ourselves be in these situations? Trust me, if it was a choice I would choose to be cisgender any day of the fucking week.

[moonreview]

✨ main verse.

side blog for moonrevolutions!!!! wip... just... im working on it.

name: virote srisati. age: 29 ( birthday july 21st. ) zodiac: cancer sun, capricorn moon, cancer rising, virgo venus. religion: pantheist ( former buddhist. ) sexuality: homosexual. voice: ( CLICK. ) he has a thai accent. more soft spoken in tone than you’d anticipate, which makes his insults and foul mouthed language even more scathing. species: he’s basically half-alien??? ethnicity: thai-chinese height: 5'0". financial class: upper. so upper that it’s insane. place of birth: bangkok, thailand. current location: san francisco, california. but this is also verse dependent. languages: thai, mandarin, english, japanese, korean, portuguese, spanish ( very, very basic. )

occupation: art therapist. can be found in hospitals, schools, and rehab centers. or public events centered around mental health and art for groups like the lgbt. also works a couple nights a week at a dance studio called motionbox studios. and, last but not least, he’s got a side gig of being a life coach. only through phone consultation. he’s certified! political affiliation: progressive. was a social-anarchist back in the day.

education:

graduated high school, salutatorian, top of his class.

majored in studio art and art history.

has minors in: business - consumer behavior, peace and conflict studies, dance.

art therapy licensing.

4.8gpa, he’s smart and he’s ballin’.

abilities:

it’s your neighborhood cosmic deity / space oddity! moderately psychic with his clairvoyance, clairsentience + empath intuition. has mastered a handful of divination methods. crystal and mirror gazing are his favorites.

heightened spiritual senses. if there’s a ghost, he will see it. might even fight it, you don’t know his life!

aura reading.

folks on his father’s side are pretty famous in southeast asia for being incredible seers, exorcists, demon exterminators, and healers.

channels energy from all celestial bodies for spells. for example: black holes for curses, jupiter for luck, new moons for banishing, etc.

can tell the position of any planet / celestial body at any time. connected to the cosmos, itself.

may know some form of cosmic manipulation, but that’s something he likes to keep under wraps. invoking solar winds, meteor showers, transmutation of space, etc.

he’s a descendant of jan, a thai personification of the moon. mercury, as well since they basically started the beginning of the family tree on his mother’s side of the family. read more about that here. so while he’s human, he’s not… completely human. nonhuman/supernatural muses can probably sense something isn’t quite… completely human about him.

magic is incredibly conditional. depending on retrogades, lunar cycles, planetary aspects, etc.

could turn the earth in a fine powder if he wanted. not to be fucked with.

will banish malicious creatures if you buy him cheesecake.

overall, not to be fucked with.

family:

mother ( 52, nuntida srisati ), father ( 53, udom srisati ). alive, still married.

sister ( 14 ), sanoh.

other stuff:

blood type: o. allergies: none. mental illness: c-ptsd, bipolar ii, bpd, severe depression. physical ailments: none. vices / addictions: alcohol, on his worst days. occasionally smokes marijuana and herb / flowers ( blue lotus, wild dagga, yarrow, etc. ) may dabble in drugs. has went to rehab for this. misc: autism, barely diagnosed. it’s complicated.

piercings: five in each ear. styles: decadent, beautiful, everything is straight from the runway. think of 2000s, meets 90s, meets instabaddie, with a splash of mall goth. bdsm inspired accessories, vintage dior, every single item he wears is more expensive than your rent for an entire year. a lot of mini skirts and silk slip dresses. faux fur coats. latex, satin, and suede. he goes to the gas station for milk in a bodycon dress, ralph & russo eden pumps, and a philipp plein jacket. hard to describe, so just go here. sleek silhouettes, form fitting, elegant. https://moonspower.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/%F0%9F%8C%99%20wardrobe!%20only%20mars%20burns%20so%20bright.

negatives: somewhat aloof at times, completely detached when stressed, prone to worrying too much, prone to fits of depression and severe anxiety, big temper, foul mouth. positives: creative, humorous, very willing to listen, intuitive, witty and sharp, incredibly intelligent, calm in situations where others panic, bold. interests / talents: herbal healing, gemology, gardening, dancing, arguing on the internet, various visual art mediums, fortune telling / divination, listening to music of all kinds, astrology, studying slugs and moths. he has a revolving door of hobbies!

the rundown:

moved to america when he was about thirteen-years-old. had a semi-hard time trying to assimilate to the culture.

his father owns an alcohol brand, various vineyards, and holds shares in other business endeavors ( making him a multimillionaire, borderline billionaire, in the process. ) his mother’s side of the family invests in clinics across asia. this man has money and way too much of it.

grew up a fairly normal life, outside of wrestling with his own mental illnesses. oftentimes, he finds himself feeling bad for having any complaints about his life due to family wealth, status, and overall privilege of getting whatever money can buy.

enjoys several styles of dance! contemporary, hiphop, vogue, tektonik, and samba are his favorites. as a child, he wanted to be an acrobat and contortionist. he doesn’t practice much these days, but he still has little dreams of performing in cirque du soleil. artistic movement, in general, has brought a lot of meaning to his life.

drives a black lykan hypersport.

has a black cat named kikimora. she looks a little strange.

lives in a penthouse covered in paintings and whatever other artwork he’s conjured over the past two or three years! the place is very nice and very luxe with a great view.

enjoys doing charity work of all kinds, especially during the holidays. catch him volunteering anywhere at any moment.

english is never spoken with family and he has an accent, it makes him feel a touch on the insecure side. that doesn’t stop him from becoming talkative, though.

can be found in art museums, cafes, bars, book stores, metaphysical shops, and music stores in his downtime. occasionally, you can find him telling fortunes on the streets either with his cards or the art of palm reading / palmistry.

fr tho he can kinda be an asshole lol be he means well.

[write-it-motherfuckers]

Person A: “Is...is that (Person B)?”

Person C: “God, I fucking hope not, my therapy appointments are already expensive enough as it is. I really don’t need any more reasons to book additional sessions.”

Person A: “...Pretend we didn’t see anything?”

Person C: “Pretend we didn’t see anything.”

[godsfavefemboy]

WOW and here I was thinking troll got old the first three times you said it! It really got boring the seventh time.

Ok so just to clarify, I wasn't talking to you. I think that you are a terrible monster with no sense of mortality, seething at the thought that other people might make a decision independently of you especially since your opinions and input are worth as much as a cup of water being launched into a volcano to put out the fire an unreasonable.... Person. That wasn't directed at you. I think you are unreachable. But sometimes I just can't help it. Making fun of and debunking you online would usually be boring but you obviously put so much effort into this and it would be entertaining to dissect it and destroy it piece by piece.

Now to start, fatphobia absolutely exists. Im not bothered to type it all out so here.

The only thing you say the media thinks is bad about having kids is putting on weight, referring to the unrealistic beauty standards, which is inherently rooted in fatphobia. So by your own admission, the media discourages kids because you might get fat and therefore no longer meet beauty standards, beauty standards that are there because of fatphobia. If there were no fatphobia, there would be no unrealistic beauty standards.

And the vast majority is a huge stretch. Almost 1/3 of Americans who were surveyed said that they regretted having kids.

I still don't 100% know who you're referring to when you say "the troll" and I don't know whether you say it like, sarcastically? but it really doesn't matter.

Anyway the anon has done nothing wrong. And your opinion sucks.

"The troll" owes their existence to their mother? Oh fucking please. They didn't deserve to be subjected to life, the poor bastard. I don't know about anything else but I would much rather not exist in non existence and never have been born in the first place, than do whatever the fuck this life shit is meant to be. There was zero disrespect at all. How does that even happen in your head? Do I have to define disrespect for you too? I know you're not an expert on knowing what shit means.

And no again. Anon does not owe their mother respect just for shitting them out in a hospital bed. Every mother does that. It's like, the main part of doing the whole, parent bit.

Fuck you, I'm not going to therapy, shits way too expensive and I'm broke and other people have it worse so it doesn't matter.

Ok, I think "the troll" is anon.

How has anon disrespected anyone? They're just saying that they made the choice to not have kids because they might get fat. And sure, it's bad reasoning, you shouldn't base your actions based off of what other people think of you. But it's still their choice.

Ok I won't talk about anything to do with things I don't understand. And in that vein, I will talk about religion since I went to a Christian school in primary school, learned religion, prayed in the morning, evening and every lunch, and made communion, confession, confirmation and all other manner of bullshit indoctrination.

My opinion on god is moot yes. Because your opinion on something you made up, isn't going to change anything. Take Santa, for example. No matter whether you have a positive or negative opinion on the reality of Santa, just, doesn't matter. Because Santa is going to be as fake as he always was, the same way god is going to remain as real as Santa Claus.

And of course hate has been directed at churches and Christianity. It's a hateful religion, that tells you based on the authority of someone they made up, whether or not some people are allowed to exist, what certain people can do with their bodies, and historically has been just all around terrible. It would be weirder if there was nobody against Christianity.

An ad homminum. Nice one. Rather than make a point, just attack my personality. You try to make me out to be a liar, or malicious. I don't know if it's working and I really don't care. If you are gonna do an ad homminum, could you make it entertaining and like, try to prove it?

I do know more than I would like to know about Christian mythology. It's not that good tho and I prefer Greek, Roman and Egyptian mythology. And that's exactly how I can tell you instances of gods "love?™" and just how conditional it is.

According to bible mythos, god loved his creations unconditionally in the following ways: He kicked his son and a large part of his family out of heaven to suffer in boiling sulfur because they were jealous. It's clear god has no communication skills. God baited Adam and Eve with an apple in the middle of a garden that they couldn't touch, having designed humans with an intrinsic desire to be curious and want to know more which led them to eat the apple. God didn't give them the full information and he got mad that they tried to find the truth themselves. God encouraged people to be closer to him but when they tried to build a tower to be closer to him, the tower of Babel, he hated it and to stop its construction, he made it so that they spoke different languages and couldnt understand each other. God was just bored and went on a power trip to prove how big his dick is, which drowned the entire human race and every living creature in existence except for Noah and his fuckin boat for whatever reason. Like he reasonably could have just started again. And then we wouldn't have the original sin and all. God abhorrs the people who, based on his moral standards, committed sin, which he invented and gave humans the capacity to do. He gave the ten commandments to fuckin Moses right? So how were people supposed to know what was moral and what wasn't before that happened? He made some people be born gay and then called them sinners. Any and all suffering is caused directly by god and is all a part of his plan. His plan to achieve what exactly? And if he's all powerful, why does he need such a weird complex plan full of terrible things, to achieve it? And I swear, if you come at me with that mysterious ways shit I might just have to do what god says and kill a guy for pretty much no reason.

Mysterious ways, that's a really fun way to say " it means I can interpret it in any way that I want and I can't be wrong. But if you interpret it in any way other than the way I want you to, I might just have to interpret it in a way that makes it an excuse to justify killing you"

Anon still isn't being disrespectful, and again fatphobia is a thing. It makes up the basis of your argument. And anon just didn't want kids. Could you just get over yourself? Nobody ever said that pregnancy is a degenerative disease. If someone wants to avoid it they can avoid it. And they can say whatever they want even if it is disrespectful. They have the free speech to do this.

Again, no opinions about god matter from anyone, because it wont change how incorrect the concept is.

I know it's shitty to have a terrible childhood. Also from my father. When I was like 11 he once hit me, and then hit me again because I cried. I cannot get therapy. I am still in the shitty childhood. And when I get out, it'll be too expensive. I don't feel like not existing, I feel that it would be better to have never existed at all.

I feel sad that they value something as unimportant as shitting out loads of kids. I have no clue what will bring anyone else happiness, but I'm not the one claiming to know. And how would I not know what I myself want and what makes me happy? That's a dumb thing to say.

I don't value myself. I don't really matter that much. I got way too into philosophy and politics a year or so ago. I am an absurdist. I believe that the universe is indifferent to my existence. I don't think it really cares or that I'll do something that matters. I know I won't be remembered but I will try to change people's minds in spite of it. I said I am filled with spite. I am powered by spite, spiteful against the universe for not caring. I will be forgotten whether I do amazing work or whether I'm the next Hitler. But I try to pry open peoples minds and show them that they are wrong. And nick a couple of bob while I'm in there. Whatever motivates you, will never compare to the absolute fury that I feel when people lie, are hypocritical, or are anything but completely honest. Will never compare to the idea that I'm not going down in history so I might at best be mildly inconvenient, and at worse be a massive annoyance.

Lmaooo I'd rather keep my 20 inch waist than get pregnant. Have fun packing on all the pounds and being too depressed to satisfy your man by the time you have your 6th child though ✨️

You have every right to choose not to get pregnant. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for 🫶🏻

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).