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astr0disiac · 3 months ago

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ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 7: ᴘᴜꜱʜ ᴀɴᴅ ᴘᴜʟʟ

☆ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ:

Tiana feels as though she deserves the suffering she's endured over the past five years after the tragic loss of her husband, Naveen. But Nanami wants to prove that she is capable of giving and receiving love again.

But even the sweetest of kisses can't heal the sourest of wounds.

An office-work romance like no other, filled with love, loss, and betrayal from those Tiana thought she could trust the most.

☆ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 17,058

☆ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ: implied/referenced suicide [mild], implied/referenced self-harm [mild], implied/referenced miscarriage, angst, slow burn

☆ᴍʏ ꜱɪɴᴄᴇʀᴇꜱᴛ ᴀᴘᴏʟᴏɢɪᴇꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴍɪꜱꜱᴘᴇʟʟɪɴɢꜱ ᴏʀ ɢʀᴀᴍᴍᴀᴛɪᴄᴀʟ ᴇʀʀᴏʀꜱ☆

How does one face heartbreak? One so devastating that they find themselves dry heaving over a dulled toilet bowl? One so fatal that they can feel their body failing, each cell dying off painfully slow? One so catastrophic that they can do nothing but sob violently, until their voice is raw?

How does one survive something like that once? In Tiana’s case, twice?

She doesn’t. She just runs.

Tiana had shoved everything into those paper bags, changing into her clothes from earlier that day after snatching them from the dryer. She had to get out of here. She literally couldn’t breathe for God’s sake. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, in the world, her lungs working double time as she hyperventilated in the dark, fumbling with her boot strings as she tied them again, and again, and again. Her hands kept shaking as she missed the loop, over and over. Failed to get it right over and over. No matter how many times she went in that same damn circle, no matter how many times she found herself in that same damn ring, she failed. She fucked up. She felt anger welling up inside her, tossing the strings aside as they flopped on the ground like dried worms.

“Shit!” She hisses in frustration, gripping at her scalp, and when her hands failed to find solace in her curls she resorted to rubbing her face so hard it felt as if the pigment were coming off on her finger tips. She did this to herself, and her regret no longer lay dormant within her womb. She subjected herself to her own death sentence, and she’d be damned if Nanami heard her losing her sanity across the way. Her mind battled, wondering if he would come get her or not, her pride repulsed by the idea, but her loneliness craved his salvation, like a drying fish inches away from an oasis.

She couldn’t even be upset with him. She was, but she wasn’t. She was upset that he loves her. Because he somehow loves her, and that task seemed so unfathomable to her. He was about to say it. She felt it in her soul.

He loves her.

And he would have meant it. No, he means it. She knows that he does. The words he had spoken had shifted something in her spirit.

“But I couldn’t.” She muttered to herself, her voice seconds from breaking. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t.”

But why couldn't she? The opportunity was right there.

“It’s too easy.” She said, picking up her paper bags. “It’s too simple.”

That simplicity scared her.

Tiana didn’t know why she wanted it to be much more complicated than how Nanami presented it to her. Because there was a time when love for her was simple. It was easy. It was straightforward without any loopholes, back ways, expectations. It just was. And Nanami, though Tiana didn’t want to face this fact, was so hell bent on proving that love just is.

But she was making it so hard for herself, when the solution was right there.

Nanami was right there.

“Nope.” She said, zipping up her coat as she stood her ground. “No.”

She just kept denying herself, not listening to her head or her heart. Her body was in flight mode, and all she knew was that she needed to get out of there. That’s all she had the energy to do.

She grabbed her doorknob, twisting it slowly. The latch in the door clicked once, then twice, then unhooked out of the slot. She slowly pulls the door open with a stiff arm, lifting it slightly so the hinges wouldn’t creak. She didn’t know exactly where she was going, or how she would get home, maybe wait at the bus terminal until the first one arrived. It didn’t matter, she just had to go.

Tiana slowly steps out of her room, one shoe at a time, her heels thudding gently on the wooden floors. She cursed silently, switching to the balls of her feet as she sneaked down the narrow hall of the cabin, and past the kitchenette, arms tight to get the bags from swinging noisily. She tried not to look around, because if she did she would doom herself to relive her argument with Nanami all over again.

An argument with Nanami. She never thought she would ever come to that with him, honestly never thought they would cultivate a relationship such as this. Arguments could make or break a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, but the connection could still be salvaged if pride wasn’t involved.

But this was one that she didn’t think they could ever come back from. How could you move forward with a relationship so fragmented? Trying to feign a friendship now would be tortuous, and unbearable for them both. It’d be best to keep some distance until things sorted themselves naturally.

Until Nanami found someone else to love.

And what then, the voice inside her asked. What will you do once he does? You won’t be able to be friends with him.

It won’t be the same.

Tiana’s fingers carefully unlock the top lock with a low clink, and she exhales slowly.

He’ll be fine, she thought. He’ll be fine without me.

But what about you? How will you fair?

Her hand is about to turn the handle, when a light floods behind her, the sudden brightness causes her to flinch away, shielding her face as if she had been caught in a robbery.

“Please, don’t.” Nanami’s voice was low, but it was gentle. He didn't sound mad, but he should be. It would be justifiable.

It made Tiana sick. It pissed her off. Even now, after she denied him, he still had the energy to be patient with her.

Who knew being soft was just as equal as being cruel?

Tiana lowered her hand hesitantly, chewing on her bottom lip. She couldn’t look at his face directly, she couldn’t look at him right now. She didn’t want to see what she had done to him. She didn’t want to face her consequences, because it would cause her to face herself.

“Why aren’t you in your room?” Tiana asks dryly.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Nanami said matter-of-factly.

Tiana didn’t want to fall into his trap, Nanami had a way of extending their conversations past their limit. That’s how they met. That’s how it’s been since the beginning, and nothing about that has changed. He was doing it now, using that power to get Tiana to keep talking. To stall her a bit longer.

And she still fell for it.

“Well I asked first.” She said childishly, glaring at him with lidded eyes. She got a good look at him, he was still in his pajamas, but he looked tired. Even with his soft smile, he couldn’t hide his fatigue.

“I knew you’d try to make a quick escape.” He laughs through his nose, cocking his head to the side. “You’re good for that lately.”

Tiana scoffs, waving at him, deeply offended by the way he was reading her so easily.

“Well, you can’t keep me here.”

“Oh, I’m not going to. The door is open.” Nanami snarkily said, and Tiana felt her eye twitch. “But logically-”

Logically my ass, Tiana thought.

“-you don’t know your way around here. It’s dangerous.” Nanami leaned on the counter, peering at her with tired eyes. “I’m not forcing you to stay, you have every right to leave. But I’m asking you not to go out there alone tonight.”

“I can figure it out.” Tiana retorted, upset not because her options were limited, but because he was right. He gave her an ultimatum, and it was so obvious what the right choice was, but Tiana didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.

“Tiana, it’s pitch black dark outside, and it’s snowing heavily.” Nanami reasons with her. “Stay here tonight. Get some rest. I’ll give you your space. Just stay.”

Tiana swallowed a thick wad of spit, along with her pride as she bounced on her feet. Curling her lips in, she gently drops her bags, shuffling out of her boots that she had previously failed to lace. She straightens herself up, raising her hands, then dropping them at her side in defeat.

“Fine.”

The next morning is bleak, and not just because that's how Tiana was feeling. When she rolled over to look out her bedroom window, she saw how disgusting the sky looked. The sky was so crowded with dark clouds that it practically looked like night time. The sky looked swollen and lumpy, like hordes of cement ready to crash down onto earth. For a second, Tiana laid there, hoping that they would so that she could be put out of her misery. So that maybe, once the unfathomable happened, she would wake up from the nightmare she had subjected herself to.

Then she could start over. Do things right. Do things the way she wanted to.

But all she could do was move forward, and beat herself up as she continuously made mistakes that would eat at her for the rest of the day.

She didn’t speak to Nanami at all that morning, didn’t even look him in the eyes as he stood there calm, cool and collected. She should have greeted him properly, or at least acknowledged him. But it irritated her how despite the words that had been thrown around the night before, he acted as if everything was alright. Tiana wasn’t sure if it was to bandage his pride, or to dispel the tension of the situation. Either way, it just made things feel that much weirder.

She refused to eat the breakfast Nanami had brought back that morning, sitting on the couch as she heard Nanami munch away in the kitchen. She wouldn’t have been able to stomach it either way, but even if she was hungry she guarantees that she would have still acted in defiance. But if she had spoken to him that morning, then they could have had a civil conversation over a warm meal. Could have aired out their grievances. Talk it out, find middle ground, or a solution. She could have told him the fears that had been plaguing her, but that would be at the expense of her ego.

The strain between the two was almost palatable, both stealing glances across the house when they believed the other wouldn’t notice. Tiana believed it to be her imagination, until she sat at the front of the cab, the heat of Nanami’s gaze searing into the back of her neck as she swatted at it.

She sat in the front of the cab to the terminal instead of with Nanami in the back. She hunched over the passenger side, hiding the way her hand clenched onto the door handle in a nauseous manner. She didn’t want Nanami to witness her in absolute turmoil, but the stench of agitation wafted off her and filled the car along with those emotions that followed them from the house, the cab driver trying to lighten the mood with banter that only Nanami entertained. If she had spoken to him this morning and shared her troubles with him, then she’d be back there with him now. Reminiscing the previous day, going through their trinkets, recounting how many times Tiana had fallen face first into the snow. He’d distract her with nonsense and make sure she was alright. He’d do his best to make her smile, and the thing is, it never took much.

He made it easy.

Too easy.

Even though they sat together on the bus, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, and thigh to thigh, the physical proximity didn’t translate to how far apart they were mentally. Tiana felt like it was her first day on the job again, alienated, alone, and estranged; yet there it was again. That strange pull that kept her glued to his side despite glaring out the window the entire bus ride back. The only way to rid herself of these ill feelings would be to simply turn to him and talk to him. He was right there. Like he said he would always be.

Where Tiana wanted him to stay, and where she wanted to gain the strength to meet him halfway.

She couldn’t help but wonder what that man was thinking. She wondered if he was beginning to rethink his confession, if he was beginning to rethink how he saw her. She couldn’t help but writhe at the idea of Nanami becoming repulsed by her, but at the same time, maybe this was the best outcome for them.

Tiana, ashamed and disgruntled, walked up the stairs to her complex two at a time, unlocking the front door quickly and stumbling inside. She slammed the door, pressing her back against the cool wood. She heard the familiar low hum of Nanami’s car, followed by a crunchy retreating sound in the grainy snow. She exhales shakily, palming her face aggressively. It takes everything in her not to pull the flesh right off her skull, because even now outside of Nanami’s sight, his presence was all over her house. She dropped her shopping bags by the door, flipped off her shoes, and trudged around the house, seething so much that tears were threatening to pour from her sockets as her face tightened painfully.

She could smell him. The faint scent of cedarwood had gotten into her couch, her rugs, her office, her kitchen, and somehow her bedroom. Everywhere she went, he lingered like a shadow, memories scattered across the place in complete disarray. With each inhale she could see his after image, hear his laughter.

Feel his touch.

Feel something from her core, as if someone were tugging at her bellybutton with each inhale.

“Hell no.” Tiana stilled her breath, darting to her balcony. “No.”

She swung the balcony door open, a breath of fresh air whisking around her home and dousing the fire residing in her face. She opened all the windows in her home, the atmosphere dropping almost ten degrees, but she didn’t care. She had to cleanse herself of him.

That included lighting every single vanilla candle in her home to ward off the cedarwood smell as if it were a bad omen. That included scrubbing herself raw of her experiences from yesterday as if they would stain her if she marinated in them any longer. She ordered delivery and holed herself into her room, because Nanami had temporarily made the living room and kitchen his domain. She just needed some time away, some time to think. She just needed a moment alone, but a moment turned to hours.

In those hours, Tiana settled into her mind, digging to find what she truly wanted. She wanted a friend. She wanted security. She wanted reassurance.

Companionship.

But she feared those things were too unobtainable, especially with Nanami. She had low moments and really low days where she would grieve so hard her insides would knot. She’d have those times where her memories would get so vivid, that it was physically excruciating. Nanami got a front row seat to her performance of despair, and when Tiana finally came to she noticed how petrified he looked. How helpless she made him feel. She was so used to just riding it out on her own, she couldn't subject him to that. She didn’t want to scare him away.

He didn’t need someone like that.

But she needed someone like him.

She wanted someone like him.

She wanted-

Tiana’s phone chimed, interrupting her thought before it could fully form. With a dry sniffle, she turns over and grabs her phone from her nightstand, an email notification from Misha. A pungent taste rose from her throat, and she blinked hard as she stared at her screen. What could this woman want now? Hadn’t she taken enough from Tiana already?

Hadn’t Tiana given her enough already?

Clicking on the notification, the email took up the entire screen, and Tiana’s eyes scanned over it quickly.

Good afternoon, everyone!

Tiana could hear Misha’s shrill voice, and she groaned as she became even more irritated.

I hope you all are enjoying your holiday, it was well deserved. Because of our successful quarter and year, the company is extending an invitation to everyone to join us for our New Year’s celebration tomorrow night to end the year on a high note, and boost morale for the upcoming year.

Tiana read the dressing requirements, which were confusingly traditional, casual, or business casual, and the places they were planning to visit, everything being on the company’s tab from festival activities to a firework display. Each department would email their admin or leader so that a proper headcount could be made. Tiana didn’t know if she wanted to go, she wouldn’t really know anyone. And Nanami would undoubtedly be there, even if it was just to save face as he would say. She wouldn’t be able to cling to his side. It’s not that she didn’t want to see him, she couldn’t bear to see him. She wasn’t sure how she would muster the courage to act nonchalant, and she felt that Nanami being the businessman that he was would be able to steal over his heart as if nothing happened, just like he did when they woke up after their dispute. If Tiana witnessed that, witness Nanami acting as if he didn’t know her in front of everyone, she would shatter.

But she couldn’t cower in fear. If she stayed holed up in her room, Nanami would win. No, not even Nanami, Misha would win. Tiana’s pride wouldn’t allow herself to give Misha that satisfaction, to make that wretched woman feel as if she had driven Tiana in a corner. As if Tiana was scared of Misha, because she wasn’t. Misha was no one to tremble over.

It was Nanami’s reaction that had Tiana quivering.

So Tiana put on her big girl undies and immediately sent an email to Misha, confirming her appearance.

Tiana may not have been scared of Misha, but Misha was absolutely petrified of Tiana. She looked at Tiana’s confirmation email, which she had sent in the thread to everyone else, so Misha couldn’t even refute or fib that Tiana never RSVP’d. Misha sat at her laptop, biting the loose skin around her thumb.

Misha had made a big mistake. The night of the Gala, she got too ahead of herself, and bit off more than she could chew. She saw Tiana following them before Nanami ever noticed, and she kissed him on purpose, like a child throwing a fit to get what they wanted. Not only to see how Nanami would react, but to also gauge Tiana’s emotions. If Tiana really meant what she said, if those two were truly just friends, Tiana wouldn’t have run off the way she did

And if Tiana was really just an intern like Nanami said, he wouldn’t have chased after her.

Misha saw his car at Tiana’s place when she drove by to run errands. And shortly after, she saw the two walking into the bus terminal, hand in hand as if the gala never happened. Misha just had to know what happened between those two. She wanted to scope out their relationship with her own eyes.

She wanted to understand what Nanami saw in Tiana that she seemed to be lacking.

But to Misha’s surprise, on the night of New Year’s Eve, the two seemed to prance around as if they didn’t even know each other. Though, prance is a bit of an exaggeration. It was more so Tiana running away from Nanami’s affection.

Tiana didn’t want to seem disrespectful to a culture she wasn’t all too familiar with, so she decided to play it a bit safer with a winter outfit, but she was bound to stand out regardless. When she arrived at the festival around 7:00pm that night, she immediately wanted to go home, her puffy, cream colored dress and fur hat seemed to jut out against the sea of kimonos and accessories. She wasn’t the only one dressed in more business casual clothes, but she sure felt like it, not to mention how her boots caused her to tower over her colleagues that wore their traditional version of a sandal. Even though no one seemed to be acknowledging her, she felt as if everyone were silently eying her to pieces. She tried to grab her bearings, gnawing on the inside of her cheek as her eyes darted nervously over the crowd of adults, as if looking for someone to save her.

But God has a humorous way of answering prayers.

Because then she saw Nanami.

And Nanami undoubtedly saw her.

Tiana’s face ignited and she cringed slightly, her neck straining as she tried to find something else to look at. Nanami, somehow and in some way, seemed to be matching color palettes with her. His brown sweater complimented her boots and her purse, and his golden watch gleamed just like her hooped earrings and the buckle on her belt. The crisp, white collar that peaked from underneath his sweater was adjacent to the furry hat meant to keep her ears warm, but now she was sweltering. And when she glanced at him again, he seemed to be trying to motion her over with his eyes, pleading with her to come closer. Tiana quickly turned the opposite way, her back to the begging man as she contemplated what excuse she would make up to leave early. She thought she could do it, but she couldn’t. She loathed the idea of Nanami ignoring her before, but the fact that he was here garnering her attention made her feel absolutely nauseous.

It opposed her original thoughts so much that it made her dizzy. She forced herself to believe Nanami would abandon her to cope with her own guilt, but now what? He was giving her that attention that she so desperately didn’t want to lose, but she didn’t know what to do with it.

It’s not that she didn’t want to talk to him. She felt as if she didn’t deserve his conversation. It would just be a waste of time, a conversation inevitably going no where.

She had just made up a reason to leave when a familiar voice springs into her vicinity.

“Tiana!” Hana appears into view, waving her hand aggressively with the cheeriest of smiles on her rosy lips. Tiana lets out a shaky exhale, glad to see a familiar face other than Nanami’s. She was wearing a navy pinstripe suit, a string of pearls around her neck and wrists, and giant pearls hanging from her earlobes. There was a painted mask on the side of her face, what looked to be a fox, and she seemed to be snacking on some rice balls, the fluffy delicacy placed between her fingers.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Hana loudly says in Japanese, catching the eyes of a few others. Tiana could feel them staring at her, could almost hear them asking how she would respond, or if she could even understand. So she swallows the thick fear coating her esophagus, almost choking on it as she answers.

“I’m glad I could, too.” Tiana says, her shaky voice adding extra rhythms to her syllables. “It’s nice to see a familiar face.”

Tiana hears someone behind her “ahhh” in surprise, as if a black woman speaking Japanese were an urban legend that had come true before their very eyes, but she couldn’t even find the energy to get annoyed because Hana immediately swaddled her in a hug, then looked her up and down in awe.

“Are you nervous? Don’t be!” Hana says, pinching the cuffs on her dress and tugging at them. “You’re too adorable to be nervous.”

Tiana feels even more embarrassed as her face goes from a simmer to an abrupt boil.

“T-Thank you?” Tiana says, a bit unsure. Hana then spun her around, pushing her through the crowd of people, past Nanami whose lips were skewed to the side as if he had tasted something sour.

“Come on, let’s go find the others.”

Tiana wasn’t sure who exactly the others were at first, but once they found Takuma who was standing next to a man Tiana had never met, she put two and two together rather quickly; a sort of reunion of the people who sat at her table at the gala. Tiana greeted Takuma, who seemed to be sporting a black sweatsuit similar to the one he wore when they first time they met. After exchanging greetings, she turned to the other man who wore a forest green kimono. His nose was arced, his hair dark, and his pupils small. He looked a bit tired, but he stuck out his hand from his sleeves earnestly, his voice low.

“Hiromi. It’s nice to meet you.” He politely says with a slight bow, and Tiana matches his movements.

“Tiana.”

Tiana looks around for a second, noticing a particular man with spiked ponytails is missing.

“Where’s Choso?” She questions.

“He’s spending the night with his brothers.” Takuma shrugs, and nods to a booth a little ways out.

“Come on, we got things to see.”

The company seemed to split off in their own groups and subdivisions, Tiana jutted into this strange quad of colleagues. But, for some reason, Nanami seemed to always be a couple feet away from her. When she went to the takoyaki stand, Nanami seemed to be around, casually hovering in the distance. When she tried her hand at goldfish scooping, Nanami tried to join the same game but Takuma snatched the last scooper before he could. When Tiana went to buy her own mask, one in the shape of a cat, she then passed Nanami wearing the exact same one. That was her last straw, and she threw him the dirtiest look imaginable before he finally left her alone. Tiana began to wish that he would have simply ignored her. It was just too much for her to process. He said he would give her the space that she wanted, yet here he was, going back on his word. He just kept trying, and trying, and trying, and it made her face steam.

Maybe Tiana wouldn’t have been so agitated if Misha wasn’t right there, latched onto his arm like a leech, watching the pair with squinted eyes. It felt like Tiana wasn’t allowed to be normal, like she couldn’t just enjoy her time out amongst the others. She felt as if she were being chaperoned, or better yet, observed.

Nanami had tried to shake Misha off on multiple occasions, but she seemed to be super glued to him. He didn’t know how to get rid of her without embarrassing the poor woman, and himself. It was beginning to become clear that everyone in the vicinity was getting annoyed by her antics, muttering under their breaths about how she was being a try hard and throwing her dirty looks every time she opened her mouth. Misha just kept going on and on, everything was “Nanamin, we should do this!” or “Nanamin, we should do that!”, Nanami wanted nothing more but the earth to open and swallow Misha up everytime she said her name. It was grating, agitating, ear piercing even, each vowel that escaped those thin lips prickling at his eardrums. The company dinner was no better.

Nanami had the honor of sitting at the head of the table, which was on the opposite end of Tiana, who seemed to be having the time of her life now as the night went on; she had obviously grown quite accustomed to everyone now. Nanami couldn’t hear what was going on, but he could see it. The way she laughed, her expressiveness, her body language. While Nanami was proud that she was making friends, he was also a bit resentful that she could act like this with people who were considered to be strangers in their previous world. That she could be so open with them, yet push him away. He just wanted her to be honest with him, and be honest with herself.

Tiana asked a lot of questions, and redirected the ones she received so she didn’t have to answer as many. She didn’t know, nor trust these people that easily, but she was glad to engage in a conversation that would take her mind off of the man down the way, who’s posture was rigid as his fingers curled around his barely sipped glass. Anything to keep her from over thinking. To distract her from Nanami’s prying eyes. Everyone was being extremely nice to her, especially Takuma, maybe because of the holiday spirit.

And what is a holiday without spirit?

Takuma had somehow roped their half of the table into an assortment of drinking games and tricks, leaving Tiana to squirm nervously in her seat as he poured the fermented beverage into what looked like a shot glass.

“Ah, I didn’t ask,” Takuma said, passing the bottle around to everyone else who was participating. “But do you drink?”

“I’m, uh-” Tiana didn’t know why, but she felt embarrassed to admit this, feeling as though she were placed into a bright spotlight. It didn’t feel this flustering when she told Nanami. “I’m a lightweight.”

“Oh!” Takuma said a bit embarrassed, reaching for her glass. “I’m sorry, it’s no pressure-”

“No!” Tiana interjected, glancing down the table at Nanami, who seemed to be watching her with a careful eye. The expression on his face was all but happy, and Tiana felt a bit brass.

“No, I’ll play. I don’t want to seem prude.”

“Are you sure?” Hana leans in, her eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.” Tiana grabs the glass from Takuma’s fingers, and slides it back to her. “I’m here to have a good time too.” She raises the small glass, catching a whiff of the drink; it smelled almost like wheat roasting in a field under the scorching sun. She glances at Nanami one more time, then back to her glass.

What’s one drink to wash away the things she found hard to swallow in sobriety?

“Even if our boss is watching.” She mutters.

And with that, she downs the drink, the group becoming rather animated as they clamor with approval.

Tiana is definitely someone who goes for more fruity drinks, but the liquid tasted a lot better than she thought. It was thick, almost velvety as the earthy substance drained into her lower abdomen. Her eyebrows jumped as she smacked her lips playfully, analyzing how her tastebuds felt; like someone put a buzzing sparkler on her tongue. Suddenly, Takuma laughs, shaking his head as he fills her glass again.

“I haven’t even told you the rules yet.” He said, quite amused. Tiana’s mouth twists to the side, feeling a bit awkward as a few people laugh.

“Oh…”

Takuma tilts his head slightly, somewhat analyzing Tiana to the point where she wiped the corner of her mouth because she felt she had got something on it. Eyes trained on Tiana the entire time, he then picks up his own glass, places it on his cheek, rolls it to his mouth, and drinks the beverage. Hana laughs, clapping her hands as her head falls backwards, absolutely amused.

He slams the glass down, exhaling slightly as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“There.” He says, pouring himself another glass. “Now we’re even.”

Now it’s Tiana’s turn to chuckle, because for the first time in a long time, she truly felt included in the workplace. Like maybe, just maybe, she had made another friend.

Like she didn’t need Nanami to have a good time. She could be her own entity without feeling responsible for upholding an image that wasn’t even meant to be attached to her.

Hiromi frowns, trailing his finger on the rim of his cup.

“We’re here too, ya’know.” He murmurs, his eyes low as if he were to fall asleep any second.

“So!” Takuma ignores him, speaking to Tiana with bright eyes. “The rules are…”

Tiana didn’t have many experiences with drinking games. When she was 18 and 19 in college, she refused to drink because she was too young, despite her friends doing it. Hell, she didn’t even go to parties, because she was so hellbent on chasing her dreams. At 20, she met Naveen, and she celebrated her first drink with him when she turned 21, but even then she didn’t really see the fun in it, it was more fun just experiencing it with him. Then at 22, she became pregnant, and drinking was immediately out of the question.

But right now, surrounded by her slurring comrades, she understood what she had been missing.

That camaraderie.

The colors of the world seemed to smear, and the voices of her colleagues seemed to shift and phase within her brain, everything revolving around her as if she were the center of existence. She wasn’t sure what glass she was on, maybe five, maybe five hundred, but she felt so light and bubbly, as if she were inhaling electricity. Her eyes seemed to blacken slightly around the edges, as if she were peering through the dowel of an empty paper towel roll, and it felt as if bees were circulating through her bloodstream, their wings shaking a mile a minute.

On the opposite side of the table, Nanami watched in solemn silence, as Misha continuously vied for his attention. She became so outlandishly annoying, so belligerently drunk, that a few people began to chastise her in their inebriated state, the line between sarcasm and pure irritation becoming blurred with each glass knocked back, and the waning of respect with each sentence uttered.

Tiana lost whatever game they were playing, she couldn’t remember, nor did she care. Everything right now just seemed so fucking funny. The way everyone's faces seemed to morph and stretch? Funny. The way the room seemed to tilt with each sway of her neck as if she were on a carnival ride? Hilarious.

The way Nanami seemed to be propping her up as they stood out in the crunchy snow?

Absolutely comical.

Wait…

“Nanami?” Tiana blinked, her eyes half lidded. “Wha- how…?”

“You fell asleep.” He said, not even looking down at her. “Takuma was going to take you home, but I actually know where you live.” He pauses, thinking about it. “Well, Misha and I, but I knew you wouldn’t like that. Plus, she’s out of it-”

“The...fireworks…” Tiana tilts, and Nanami grips her shoulder, practically pulling her into his side.

“No.” He says sternly, like a parent speaking to their child. “No fireworks. You should go home. Get some rest, you're exhausted. Did you even get any sleep yesterday?” He questions, his voice lined with disappointment. Tiana slouched on him, her face upturned as each breath she took was filled with Nanami. It was comforting, yet so distressing. Like cheating during a self impeded fast.

Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?

“Get…” Tiana wobbled in her heels, trying to organize her thoughts.

“You don’t even drink. You probably over did it.” Nanami continued, as if he were disappointed in Tiana’s behavior, which made her frown deepen. Who was he to micromanage everything that she did? She was grown. She could do whatever she wanted. At least that’s what she told herself.

It was ironic, considering how she wouldn’t allow herself to feel what she wanted.

“...off.” Tiana murmured.

“What?” Nanami asked a bit too loudly, causing Tiana’s whole brain to vibrate in her skull. She squirmed in his arms, pushing him off of her. Or at least she thought she did; her limbs sloshed as she pried herself out of his grasp, the world rotating slightly as she landed on her butt, on the cold ground with a solid thud. Immediately, Nanami was leaning down, ready to aid her, but Tiana had had enough.

“Tiana-”

“Leave me alone!” Tiana lashed out, barely swatting his hands away, and Nanami flinched backwards. “God, why do you keep trying, and trying, and trying-”

It had to be the alcohol talking, it had to be that wheaty substance that had heightened her frustration to this point. She just felt so pissed, and she couldn’t pinpoint where it was stemming from. Was she mad at herself for giving up? Was she mad at Nanami for continuously trying? Was she mad at Misha for being more available than her? Was she mad at Naveen for abandoning her to live the rest of her life bitter and alone?

“I-I’m sorry?” Nanami’s voice strained, his expression pained. And when Tiana saw that, it made her feel even worse.

“Fuck, don’t look at me like that.” Tiana’s voice creaked as her initial hostility changed back into that guilt that she was aiming to drink away. Just when she thought she had outran it, the emotion amplified almost a hundred times more as it trampled over her. Her knees bent towards her chest, she places her elbows on her knees as she palms her face. Her sheer stockings began to soak the cold snow beneath her.

“Do you want me to feel like more of an asshole?” Tiana asked, her voice shaking as she massaged her temple. She didn’t dare to look up. She hears Nanami sigh deeply, not sure it was out of pity or fatigue. She was being so difficult right now, no doubt he was becoming fed up with her antics.

Good.

“Tiana, come on…” She heard him say, and his fingers grazed hers gently, and she pushed him back again.

“Nanami, you can’t save me!” She shouted, looking up at him as her voice carried on the vacant street, nothing but a flickering street lamp keeping them company. His face had a grave expression, the shadows around them casting an eerie aura onto the street. “You can’t just…you’re not Na-”

She stopped, tripping over her words.

You’re not Naveen.

“Fuck!” She yelled, throwing her upper body back into the snow, her fist balled on her eyes as she fought the urge to cry. She didn’t want him seeing her bawl her eyes hysterically out for the second time in 48 hours, but here she was laid out on the cold snow throwing a temper tantrum as her mood became hysterical. Her mouth was speaking without her thoughts coherently forming, no doubt confusing Nanami as much as it confused her. She felt trapped in her own body.

God, Tiana thoughts pounded inside her head, a headache evolving into a migraine. If you get me out of this, I swear I will never drink again.

As Tiana prayed silently, she heard the crunch of snow beside her. Eyes dewy, she looked over to see Nanami sitting in the snow next to her, eyebrows arched with worry. He tilted his head, his face riddled with anxiety, as if tending the wounded.

“Tiana.” His voice was calm, but it restrained Tiana’s heart like a weighted blanket. “You’re drunk.”

“So?” She hiccupped, wiping an icy tear from under her eye.

“I don’t think you understand what you’re saying right now.”

“I do understand.” Tiana whined, her voice dipping like a seesaw. “I understand that you should keep your peace, Nanami. I’m trying to help you.” The words tumbled from her mouth, words that she had pushed to the bottom of her stomach that had bubbled up with the fizz of the sake.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Nanami pondered for a moment, his face twitching as his expressions bounced to and fro; sadness, pity, understanding. His mouth fought with his brain, trying to find what would be the best thing to say right now.

“Tiana, you’re-”

“What? I’m what?” Her words lacked proper enunciation, and Nanami came to a singular conclusion as he shook his head.

“You’re not conscious enough to have this conversation.” He said, standing back up, dusting the snow off of his pants, which had a few water splotches imprinted in them. “We should talk again when you’re sober.”

“I’m…perfectly fine!” Tiana disagreed, as she sat up a bit too quickly, her vision spinning. Being dizzy quickly became nauseating and not as funny anymore.

“Come on. At least let me take you home.”

“I can get home by myself…” Tiana objected, weakly slapping Nanami’s hands away as he reached down for her. He hooks his arms under her’s, pulling her up as she slouches into his chest. He rolls his eyes as Tiana continues to muffle her protests into his shoulder.

“Sure you can.”

Nanami attempted picking her up bridal style like before, but she kept squirming and smacking him in the face as she muttered obscenities, the two almost tripping face first off the curb a few times as they made their way to his car. A lot harder, considering before she was unconscious, and now she was barely clinging to her consciousness. Finally, he settled on throwing her limp arm over his shoulder, and dragging her on the tip of her toes, her boots leaving a parted trail in their wake. Nanami didn’t mean to, but he found himself laughing at times. While Tiana’s vague mutterings were quite humorous, it was more so in disbelief. Despite the absurdity of it all, despite the fight Tiana was so keen on putting up when the opponent she made of Nanami wanted nothing more than to be on the same team, he found this moment so endearing and raw.

He wouldn’t mind more drunken nights with her where they babbled secrets onto each other with the occasional spill of alcohol. The actions didn’t matter so much to him, but the company he kept did. While he found Misha to be a repulsive person, drunk or sober, he found Tiana engaging, wanting nothing more than to sit next to her and listen to her ramble on about nothing and everything in between.

But she wouldn’t forgive him if he indulged in something like that, not now. They had a bit more growing to do individually, and apart.

He got her in the car, her head lolled to the side as he reached around her to buckle her in. As he fumbled in the dark, he could smell the alcohol on her breath as she exhaled heavily, as if she were two breaths from falling asleep. All he could do was sigh as he closed the door, walking around to the other side and getting into the driver’s side.

Nanami drove carefully down the icy road as Tiana seemed to go in and out of consciousness, sometimes pulling on the door handle as she asked him to “free her”. Nanami shook his head slightly, eyes glued to the road as Tiana clamored next to him.

“Even if I wanted to let you out right now, the car is moving.” Nanami said a bit sarcastically.

“Then stop it.” Tiana returned the attitude, mocking his voice.

“We’re almost home.” Nanami dismissed her, Tiana mocking his voice again before settling back into her seat, wiggling her hips as if to rock the car off its wheels.

The ride is silent for a few more minutes, Nanami chalking it up to Tiana falling asleep, until he hears a gagging sound next to him. He whips to Tiana, taking his foot of the gas to slow down, the woman folding over herself as she clenches her stomach.

“Tiana?” Nanami’s concern peaked. “I knew you overdid it-”

“Ugh, my stomach-!” Tiana said, continuously coughing. Yet the way she spoke and broke out into aggressive hacks sounded very unnatural, so much so that it seemed calculated. Her voice strained as she lurched forward even more, her head hitting the glove compartment. “I feel sick…It’s almost like…”

“Please don’t throw up…” Nanami’s begged, the car moving at a snail's pace now.

“Like…I need to…get out of the car!”

She gave one more big cough, and peaked at Nanami, who had put the car in park. As she peered at him through the dark, she noticed his face had fallen into something that looked much more serious, much more deadly.

“Tiana.” His voice was dry, void of any humor.

She gagged again, dramatically wheezing as if to catch her breath, but Nanami saw through her poor excuse of an act.

“Tiana, I swear to God I will make you clean it up.”

Immediately the coughing stops, Tiana matching Nanami’s expression as she sat up, her back thumping into the chair as she sulked in the moonlight.

“Damn.” She muttered, hitting her head on the window, her face flushed. “I thought that would work.”

Finally, they reached her home after clamoring up the stairs noisily, tripping on the wooden planks. After stumbling into her dark home, Tiana began rambling a bunch of nonsense, walking spinning around carelessly into the living room, before hitting the back of the couch and tilting over it like a child on a playground doing flips off of the equipment. She erupts in a fit of giggles, her boots kicking in the air as if she had just heard something so ridiculously funny that Nanami wasn’t privy to. Nanami, out of respect, looks the other way as he walks up to her.

“Again!” She laughs, and Nanami comes around the couch, staring directly at her face as her arms dangle to the ground, completely upside down.

“Come on, Tiana.” Nanami says with his arms folded, his energy a bit drained. He had begun to reach his limit, flashing back to their invigorating car ride. “You’re going to end up throwing up for real.”

“I feel fine.” She sang out her eyes closed, Nanami watching her brown boots flail in his peripheral vision. He felt his face grow warm, and he closed his eyes momentarily before glaring at her.

“Can you at least put your legs down?” He huffed.

“I have on shorts.” Tiana sulked, her lips in a slight pout. Nanami, without catching himself, let his eyes drift for just a millisecond, and contrary to popular belief, she did have on shorts; a brown pair that suited the tone of her thighs. But when Nanami looked back at Tiana, she had the most smug expression, it was as if watching the devil himself smile.

“Perve.”

“Alright, goodnight.” Nanami said abruptly, his face flushed as he rushed to leave. That was enough excitement for one night. But as he turned his back, he heard a chorus of thuds behind him as if someone had fallen down a flight of stairs.

“Wait!” Tiana panicked, sitting on the ground after completely flipping over her sofa. “Please don’t go yet.” Nanami exhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Tiana-”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice sounded so broken, between a cry and a plea. Tiana was just an ocean of emotions right now, the tide pushing and pulling between elation and misery. Solitude and fellowship. That same madness seemed to infect Nanami, making him feel as though he too were drunk. “Are you mad at me?”

Nanami’s right hand hovered over the door handle, everything frozen in time. His breathing, the air, the ambient sounds of the night; everything was still and motionless, as if he were trapped in a polaroid that was still developing. The insensible feeling around them had shifted into something serious. The swing of her mood was like a pendulum, the rhythm knocking against Nanami's head.

“Of course not. But-”

“Then stay.” Tiana whispered, grabbing his free hand, locking her fingers into his. Nanami didn’t even look her way, he knew he would be done for if he did. But there was something so alluring in the way that she spoke, drawing him near with each liquor riddled word.

“You should go to bed.” Nanami didn’t agree, but he didn’t oppose the idea either. He should, he really should.

“Just until I fall asleep. One more time.” She pulled him gently with her voice, and her hand, leading him backwards. “Please.”

And Nanami just couldn’t say no. It was so hard for him to say no to her. She could ask for anything and everything, and he would oblige. Even if her request contradicted themselves, he’d bend over backwards to do what was best for her. Even if it cost him his own sanity.

Tiana guided him back to the living room, her boots clicking softly on the wood as the sound echoed on the walls, their conjoined shadows gliding alongside them. Nanami watched her carefully as she sat on the couch, looking up at him with such a broken expression that it made Nanami frown, his heart stalling in his chest. That euphoric smile seemed to dissipate. He just stood there, the two watching each other meticulously. Nanami purses his lips slightly.

“You’re not going to change?”

“No.”

“Or sleep in your room?”

“Don’t wanna.”

“At least take your shoes off.”

Tiana threw her hands in the air exasperated, flopping her back into the couch cushions.

“You’re no fun.” She whined, curling into herself slightly as she closed her eyes. All Nanami could do was rub his temples and shake his head, Tiana’s words making him more flustered by the second. She was not in her right mind at all. Nanami was ashamed to even be here right now, she will not be happy about her actions in the morning, if she can even remember them in the morning.

“I swear, you’re going to send me into cardiac arrest.” Nanami gave a nervous laugh, feeling his pulse thudding in the veins of his neck. Tiana waved off his comment, motioning for him to sit. So he does, with utmost obedience, his legs tucked in as he sat on the floor next to the couch.

Tiana’s eyes bore into his, slightly swollen, and her pupils enlarged in the dark. Slowly, she raises her hand, aiming it towards Nanami’s jaw. Before he could protest, her hand was caressing his face as if to study it; tracing his jaw, cupping his cheek, then tracing her fingers behind his ear and into his hair, drawing ellipses into his scalp as he shuddered.

Tiana looked so helpless, while Nanami felt as such.

He swallowed thickly, the movements so small, so asinine, yet each curl of her finger or tug on his locks made Nanami liquefy, causing him to instinctually melt into her calves as he rested his head on her. The picture painted was so sensual, so tense, yet there was a sort of innocence lingering in the air. The two daring to play a game that still needed solidified rules to allow fair play.

Nanami truly felt smitened by Tiana’s charm that she herself seemed to be ignorant to.

His breathing slowed as her hand kneaded a lullaby into his brain. The silence that enveloped them seemed to birth questions in their minds that seemed unsolvable. But their minds synced once, it was quite apparent when they were both staring into each other’s souls.

What can I give you?

Tiana struggled to keep her eyes open, eyebrows furrowing as her vision seemed to blur, dulling the sharpness of Nanami’s features. She just wanted to take in this image of him a little longer, this view of the begging man in the dark. She had an inkling that once she sobered up, this memory would be locked away forever, completely smeared and unobtainable. She wanted to memorize how tender everything felt, how heightened her sense of touch seemed, even going so far as to count the circles she traced in his head to keep her mind working.

34…35…36…37…

“Tiana, go to sleep.” Nanami hummed, the vibrations from his cheek tickling her leg. Her eyes closed slowly, then opened once more, eyebrows crinkled on her forehead.

“Why?” She muttered, her words slowing. “So you can…leave?”

“That was the initial plan.”

“But then it will be…tomorrow. I probably won’t remember tomorrow.”

Nanami frowned. Once tomorrow came, this moment would be but a blip in the past. A shadow in the dark. Tiana would come back to her senses, the door to her heart bolted back shut. This moment would be nothing more than a shameful memory. Nanami would have loved to linger a while longer, but Tiana could end up hating him. He shouldn’t even be here now, listening to the words of a drunk woman. He just had to make sure she got to sleep before she said something she would undoubtedly regret later.

And even if she said something that was inherently true, he would prefer her to admit it with a sound body and mind, not on a whim in the dark.

“As it always will be.” Nanami spoke gently, his voice low, but solid. “But one thing will stay the same.”

Her eyes were closed now.

“What?”

“I’ll still be here.” Nanami closed his own eyes, sighing at his own weakness. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“As you always will be.”

Tiana’s voice drifted into a soft mumble, then into soft snores. Nanami’s eyes traced over the softness of her face, the rise of her brows, the slight flutters of her lashes, the rise and fall of her chest as she curled into a defensive ball. Her grip had loosened significantly, yet Nanami still found himself leaning into her touch. He still found himself closing his eyes, inhaling the scent of Tiana’s home, basking in her presence.

Tiana had such a simple way of making Nanami feel wanted, and Nanami couldn’t wait to return the favor ten fold.

“How am I supposed to give you space,” Nanami muttered, grabbing her limp hand. He traced the same circles into her hand that she had, brushing her skin with his thumb. “When you act like this?”

Nanami was unsure when he fell asleep, or how long he had been knocked out, but he awoke to the sound of various pops and crackles, jolting at the sudden change in volume. Blinking his eyes, he sat up, lifting his head off of Tiana as she stirred slightly in her sleep, groaning softly as her face tightened.

Nanami creaked upwards, his legs filled with pins and needles from the awkward position he had fallen asleep in, his joints popping in the dark. He staggered tiredly to Tiana’s balcony window, pulling the curtain back, only to see a shower of color raining from the sky in celebration of the new year. The sky glimmered, the light catching in the living room and flashing off the snow below. The view was quite beautiful, but not as lovely as the one behind him.

He turns to Tiana, his feet shuffling on the floor softly.

“Happy New Year’s.” He whispered, and of course he received no response. He didn’t expect to.

Nanami hadn’t expected his night to go like this. He didn’t imagine his New Year’s would be spent tending to the woman he loves who had drunken herself into a stupor. He didn’t expect to be pining for her in the privacy of her own home as she laid there unconscious. He didn’t expect her to ask him to stay by her side with earnestness. But with Tiana, he didn’t know what to expect. Every day, every second, every singular moment with her was a riddle that he had begun to enjoy deciphering. He had always had a craving for the logical, and now it had turned into a yearning of understanding her, and understanding that sometimes that the existence of things didn’t always have a rhyme or reason. Sometimes they just were. Loving her wasn’t a formula meant to be solved. It was a feeling meant to be experienced, and he wanted to share that with her. He used to try and pick her apart, but now he was the one fraying at the seams as she held him in her hands.

God, he was so soft when it came to her. So he fought himself when it came to finally leaving her home, feeling his pockets to grab his phone. He had a feeling he had been away for way too long, and would have to check on the company’s gathering once more before calling it quits. But as he felt his front and back pockets, he noticed they were empty.

He crouched down, searching the floor blindly to see if maybe he dropped it, but he would have heard it earlier.

“Shit.” Tiana swore, cradling herself as she walked a desolate white field of ice and snow, her feet sloshing in the wet earth as she dragged them forward. There was nothing but a blinding white ahead of her, and the same image was displayed behind her. She had been walking for ages, looking for something. Searching for something that she just couldn’t pinpoint. Something she had lost, and had been trying so hard to regain. Something she didn’t want to let go of just yet.

She turned around once more, looking for some sort of landmark to indicate where she was, or maybe another human being, but the environment was soulless. It was so empty, and so cold as her shoulders shook. As she turned back around, gritting her teeth, she ran into something.

Or rather someone.

“Ugh-!” She grunts, clutching herself tighter, looking up at the figure in the slight snowfall. “Oh, I’m sorry, but could you help-”

The person turned around, and Tiana’s voice got caught in her throat.

“Well, look who it is.” Naveen said proudly, a twinkle in his eyes as he flashed a smile that could put the gleaming snow to shame. Frozen like the ground beneath her, her eyes immediately welled up, breath shortening as she realized what this was. Who this was.

This wasn’t real. This wasn’t the real Naveen.

This was a dream.

“Hey, now.” Naveen seemed to grow defensive, his hands up as if he had been caught reading Tiana’s mind. “I’m as real as the love we’ve created together. As true as the love we’ve shared.” His hand tenderly cups her face, and Tiana’s lip quivers, eyes squeezing tight. But not tighter than the spasm of her heart.

“Oh, just look at’chu.” Naveen excitedly spoke, swiping at her tears. “You’re just as beautiful as I remember. If not more.”

His voice had a slight sting to it, and when Tiana finally opened her eyes, she noticed that water had begun to catch in the corner of his. But he seemed to be holding himself together. He exhaled shakily, massaging his thumb into her face as Tiana kept shaking her head, denying the visions before her.

“Tiana.” He spoke gently. “My love. My life. My all.”

Tiana broke with each word, unable to speak as tears fell like rapids. Her whole body began to crumble as she grappled at Naveen’s hand, nuzzling her face into it as she tried to familiarize herself with his touch again. It had been so long. She had been longing for him for so long, but the only times he appeared was in her dreams, because that’s the only place he was obtainable.

“There’s nothing wrong with change.” He spoke in a strong manner, and it stupefied Tiana. What was he talking about?

“Do we scorn the sun for setting? Do we grieve when the seasons change?”

She hiccups.

“No.” Nanami answered for her. “And why?”

She cries.

“Because we know that night will turn into day, and that winter will always melt into spring.”

She weeps.

“The beauty about this continuous cycle is that we get to relive it as many times as God allows us to.” He shrugs his shoulders, forcing a smile. “I just got called home a little early.”

“Naveen, you’re my home!” Tiana wailed, holding onto him. “I can’t…I can’t let you go-”

Tiana spoke rapidly, accelerating into a state of panic as Naveen shushed her gently, smoothing out her hair as a way to provide comfort. He continued, pushing down her curls, running his fingers through them as Tiana’s frantic breaths caught in her throat.

“I know, I know…” Naveen sounded defeated, leaning over to place a chaste kiss on her forehead, then another, and another, the last one lingering as he pressed his lips to her warm skin.

“I’ll be here when the time comes. So don’t worry about me.”

Tiana’s face scrunched up. Why did it feel like Naveen was bidding her an actual farewell? Why did it feel as if he were slipping through her fingers again?

"Naveen?” Tiana whispered, trying to look up at the man one more time, but he gently placed the palms of his hands on her eyes, bringing his forehead to hers. A strong wind rushes between the two, slicing through Tiana's exposed skin.

“I don’t want you to see this.”

Tiana focuses on the sound of his voice, how it began to sound hollow, like the whistle of the wind carrying around them. His hands felt sweaty, but strangely cold, and his once strong grip began to loosen around her face.

“Live enough for the both of us.”

His voice seemed to be growing farther and farther away, and seemed to be echoing in her brain instead of right in front of her. Wiping the water from her cheeks and forehead, her eyes shot open, but her husband was no longer there. Where Naveen once was was now a pillar of snow in the shape of a man, the particles of his iced being whisked away with the wind.

“Naveen!” Tiana screeches, lurching forward to hold onto him one more time. To feel his warmth one more time. To hear his voice one more time. But it was useless. As soon as she wrapped her arms around what was her husband, he dissipated into a pile of snow.

Tiana, who had helplessly thrown all her weight at him in hopes that he would catch her, fell knees first into the slush with a soft crunch. Hands shaking, she scoops the white snow into her palm, her vision smeared with white as hot tears blur her vision again. She balled up her fist angrily, throwing herself to the ground as the snow in her hands melted into water.

But in that liquid, Tiana felt something equally as cold, but much more dense.

Looking up from the white snow, Tiana flipped her hand so that her palm would face upward. She watches the water trinkle from between her fingers for a moment, the hard item hidden in her hand digging into her skin. Slowly, she unfurls her fingers, one at a time.

Her pointer.

Her thumb.

Her middle finger.

By the time it got to the ring and pinky, she immediately recognized the tiny piece of jewelry. It was Naveen’s band, tiny water droplets coating the ring with water and causing it to shine.

“Tiana.”

Tiana whipped her head around to figure out who the disembodied voice belonged to, but there was no one there. Instead, there laid a beautiful green meadow, free of frost and snow, littered with flora and blossoming trees with petals that blew in a gentle, warm breeze. The green was so vibrant that it burned into her retinas, and the sky above looked so blue that it was almost white. Tiana blinked, staggering to a standing position as she clutched the wedding band close to her fluttering heart.

As she looked at her feet, she realized there was a line drawn between the two environments; one half flourishing with life, and the other reeking of loneliness and death.

“Tiana…”

The voice seemed to call again, so gentle and kind, like a hug or being tucked in at night. And it was coming from the other side, tantalizing her, beckoning for her to step forward and enjoy the abundance of joy that the act of existing had to offer.

It was so familiar, that voice. Strong and sturdy, always reassuring and providing structure in her hellish life.

Tiana slowly brought her hand up, inching to that barricade of warmth. Then suddenly she stopped.

She stood there, unsure. Even though there was nothing keeping her from taking a step forward anymore but herself.

Just as she’s about to plunge her hand in, she inhales sharply, eyes flying open as the beautiful meadow she was once viewing faded into splotches of her jaded reality. All she could see was her dark ceiling, the glimmer of the moon streaking across it in a muted white, with her hand slightly outstretched to the sky; but she couldn’t remember why. She couldn’t remember what she was reaching for, nor could she understand why it felt like something was just excavated out of her core, leaving her stomach feeling empty.

Her head throbs, and she brings her hand down to her face, wiping away the dampness that seemed to have fallen for her eyes in vain, for she couldn’t remember who these tears had fallen for. She paws at her nose and her mouth, then finally settles her hands in the place between her ribs. The vacancy within her was different, not as pungent as it could be. It was bittersweet, like embracing someone you hadn’t seen for a long time before they returned home.

And for some reason, for the first time in a while, she felt okay. As if she had already been preparing for this moment.

She sat up, doubling over, rolling parts of her body to work out the stiffness. She couldn’t remember her dream, nor could she remember how she got here. She remembered walking around the festival, sitting to eat and drink, and everything after that were discarded puzzle pieces strewn across her mind. But when she inhaled deeply, she smelled it. That scent of cedar wood that fused with the vanilla aroma in her home. The earthy notes that seemed to swell in the atmosphere, attempting to knit together her thoughts.

“Nanami…” She said breathlessly, sniffling as she rubbed her nose, catching the smell of his cologne on her wrist and arm. He had been here, most likely to bring her home safely. She winced, trying to recall something, anything really. She looked down to see she was still in the same clothes, but her boots were off and balancing on the floor beneath her. She hadn’t done that. It had to have been Nanami.

“Nanamin!” Misha cheered as the man stumbled into the karaoke bar, the colorful lights bouncing off of his pigment. Someone on the stage was brazenly belting out a song that had way too many high notes for their voice, causing Nanami to cover one of his ears as he stepped into the crowded area. Misha sprang up quickly, bounding to him like a lovesick puppy, wrapping her arms around his neck. He’s yanked down with a grunt, his head feeling as though it were going to pop off his neck at any moment.

“Where have you been!” She shrills, her lips dancing on his earlobe, and Nanami shudders in discomfort. He takes her arms, grabbing her wrists tightly and pries her off of him, Misha letting out a surprised “oh!” at the bitter aura surrounding him.

Misha, still buzzing with liquor and new year's resolve, giggles behind her hand, head dropping to the side as she looks up at the tall man, his face colder than the icy pavement.

“What?” She asks playfully, but Nanami doesn’t return her candor expression. His jaw tightens, and his eyes are sharp as he speaks low, only loud enough for Misha to hear.

“We need to talk.” Tiana mutters, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

She just couldn’t understand why Nanami was being so kind; though she did, it wasn’t a proper reason in her eyes. It wasn’t logical, and Nanami was a man shrouded in logic. She tried to remember the details. She recalled the moments of animosity towards him before taking that first sip; her glares, her defiance, how she was avoiding him. Yet he still went out of his way to show her kindness. It might have been the bare minimum, but literally anyone else could have taken her home, and God forbid something could have happened to her while she wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Yet he still decided to put up with her, regardless of their spat.

Tiana would be lying if she said it didn’t make her feel warm inside. Like receiving a hug or being tucked in at night. And she was determined to hold onto that feeling for the rest of the night. Hell, for the rest of the new year.

But she won’t be able to achieve it by evading him, evading the one person that caused this feeling to come forth even when he wasn’t there.

“Why so serious?” Misha asked Nanami, the liquor in her system drying up in the hollow wind outside. She clutched her coat closer to her, standing side by side to him, yet not once did he look her way. There was a strange sense of foreboding about him.

And she was right.

“I don’t feel anything towards you.”

Misha blinks, growing wary by the second. She swallowed, her head twitching as she tried to get a good look at him, but he stared forward into the darkness, completely indifferent with his hands shoved deep within his pockets. If he was going to turn her down, he could at least look her in the face. At least let her have her dignity when it comes to that, so she would at least feel seen. She simply chooses to laugh, dismissing his words as she tries to grasp onto the last wisps of spirit in her system.

“I’m sorry?” She says sarcastically, tilting her head once more. “Ken, come on-”

“Cut the shit, Misha.”

Oh, she was fully sober now, completely taken aback by the man’s foul language. She had never heard him speak like that to anyone. She guffaws, neck outstretched like an ostrich as her face contorts into something displaying her humility.

“Excuse me?”

“That night…” Nanami can’t even find the strength to voice it, the memories so sour it made him cringe. “All of this is a mistake. I apologize if I made you think something could have ever become of us, but you should ditch the delusions.”

“A mistake?” Misha’s voice pitches, cracking at the end as her anger bubbles to her throat. “A fucking mistake, yet you’re running around playing house with someone you just met? I’m the delusional one?” Misha jabs her hand into her chest, a wild smile displayed on her lips

“Attempts of sexual coercion in the workplace.” Nanami said, raising his finger as he began listing off Misha’s infringements. Her face pales with each word that slips from his mouth, expression growing taut. “Sexual assault on the notion that I did not yield my consent to you when you decided to put your lips or hands on me. Consumption of alcohol during a company event and on the premises of the event where it was prohibited. Sabotage in the workplace, implying coercion of your subordinates.” Nanami tutted his teeth as he held up five fingers, the fate of Misha’s life dangling in the palm of his hand. Nanami was more than aware of what he was doing, and he wasn’t fond of acting as such. It was out of character, but Misha had been way out of line, and would continue to plague his personal life if he didn’t properly sever ties with her now. He didn’t want Tiana to ever get the wrong idea, or misinterpret how he felt towards her in any way, shape, or form.

He never wants her to feel as if she were a second option. He doesn’t want her to think that Nanami was entertaining the notion of choosing someone else.

It’s just her. It always has, and always will be.

“Sexual- are you fucking kidding me right now?” Misha was screaming now, so close to Nanami that her neck was bent up at an awkward angle, yet he still didn’t pay her any mind, simply rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. “That is not what any of that was, and you know it!”

“Just because I didn't refuse, that made it alright?” Nanami replied, his lips in a slight frown, but not out of sadness. Moreso out of pity. It was just so disappointing, especially considering the person she had been working so hard on becoming.

“You have a lot of potential, Misha.” Nanami says, turning on his heels to face the building, muffled chatter and the sound of music leaking onto the empty street. “Don’t throw all of that away.”

“You’re telling me to just throw away my feelings?” Misha’s voice broke, and Nanami could hear that she was beginning to cry, taking into account how her voice pitched at the end. “To just ignore how I feel?”

“The things you're feeling will naturally pass since I’m unable to return them. Pouring into me will yield nothing for you.” Nanami glanced at her briefly, her expression distorted into something agonizing; teeth latched into her bottom lip as if to stop herself from lashing out, face so red that it looked hot to the touch. Her eyes seemed to quiver, water falling from them effortlessly. But Nanami didn’t feel moved in the slightest.

“Lay low, and don’t do anything rash. Or I won’t be able to guarantee you a position here, or anywhere in this precinct for that matter.” Nanami runs his tongue across his teeth as he begins to walk away. “In the meantime, learn to separate your personal life from your business life.”

Nanami had extended this conversation well past its intended time. He had only come out here to look for his lost phone, and got a bit side tracked. He considered asking Misha, but the way this conversation ended, he doubted she would comply, nor did he want to continue any semblance of a discussion with her.

Hand on the door to the building, he tugged on it, just as Misha spoke.

“Maybe you should take your own advice, Nanami Kento.”

Nanami paused, looking for some sort of retort, but he couldn’t find one. He was being so hypocritical considering the circumstances, but that had nothing to do with Misha. She didn’t have the right to judge him. So without giving her that satisfaction, he left her in the snow, walking inside to discover the whereabouts of his phone. Misha hunched over, palms digging into her eyes as she succumbed to the dark.

Tiana fumbled around her dark living room, clasping her fingers around her phone as she searched for his contact. It was definitely an excuse to speak with him, to hear his voice; it was definitely her way of using him, but she had to tell him thank you, and to give him some sort of apology for how she reacted. It might have been the alcohol still in her system, but she couldn’t hold out any longer. She didn’t mind regretting anything tomorrow, she just didn’t want to regret right now.

So she calls him.

Misha’s coat pocket begins to vibrate, her personal endeavors being put on pause as her hands wrap around a device that definitely didn’t belong to her.

She pulled out the buzzing phone, Tiana’s name with that damned frog emoji sitting next to it, the background of the call being a photo of what looked to be of Tiana eating something in a dimly lit restaurant, her face stuffed as she looks toward the camera wide eyed, pieces of food caught in the corner of her mouth. The photo was sickeningly sweet, and all Misha could do was stare at it as the phone rang.

Tiana tapped her foot impatiently on the wooden floor. Normally the phone doesn’t get past the third ring before he’s answering her with repressed excitement. But the phone rings so long that it inevitably goes to voicemail.

Odd, Tiana thought, calling him again.

This time, it goes straight to voicemail, and Tiana frowns. He had never done that before. Was he actually upset with her right now? Or maybe…

Tiana dials his phone one more time, and her call is answered on the first ring, but it’s the last person she expected to answer..

“What do you want?” Misha’s voice croaks on the phone, venom laced into every syllable. Tiana swallows a wad, immediately sobering up at the sound of her voice. It caught her off guard so much that she stammered into the line longer than she wanted, beginning to lose her nerve.

“I-I want to speak to Nanami.”

Misha snorts into the line, Tiana pulling the phone away from her ear slightly as her vicious laugh echoes in the space between her ears.

“-why the hell would I do that?” Tiana caught the rest of Misha’s words as she brought the phone back to her ear, scoffing at such a ridiculous question.

“What do you mean, ‘why’?” Tiana quips, sitting on the edge of her couch cushion. “This is his phone, ain’t it?”

Misha sucked her teeth, gripping herself in the cold. First Nanami, now Tiana was getting snippy with her. A woman who would be quite literally nothing if it weren’t for her catching Nanami’s eye. Her pride wouldn’t allow her to hold her tongue.

“You know Nanami and I kissed, right?”

Tiana should have known this was coming, yet she still stalled like a car that wouldn’t start. Misha’s voice had a sultry swing to it as she dangled that remorseless fact in front of Tiana’s face, simpering over something that she obtained that she believed Tiana would never have the opportunity to get. Boasting about Nanami's mouth being some sort of prize instead of an intimate moment ingrained in her soul. It made Tiana’s skin crawl.

“So?” Tiana finally choked out, her hand gripping her phone so tight her flesh began to pinch around the border of the device.

“So, I thought you would like to know that it all worked out.”

“It…all worked out?”

“New year’s has a strange air about it.” Misha laughed softly, but all it did was anger Tiana, her teeth creaking as she clenched them together. If Tiana was being honest, the woman on the other line didn’t sound all the way there, talking low as she prowled through the conversation, gauging Tiana’s reaction. “You should know all about that, right? All you need is the stroke of midnight to really set the mood, and your year is set for you. Confessing to each other under the light of a thousand stars and a shower of pretty lights. It’s a shame you had to go.” Despite sounding sad, Tiana heard nothing but bitterness in her tone.

And because of the sloppy cadence of her voice, Tiana didn’t believe a single word coming out of that deranged woman’s mouth.

“There’s no way.” Tiana shook her head slowly, her heart trembling in her chest. There was just no way. Nanami was just here. Tiana knew that she told Nanami to move on, but a small part of her didn’t actually want him to, nor did it expect him to. Especially at this speed. It’s almost as if he didn’t give her a second thought, like he simply discarded her for someone who was ready to lay down and take whatever he was willing to give. It didn’t make any sense; the pleading looks he kept tossing to her to grasp her attention, unless that was his plan.

What if that’s all he meant for it to be? A form of closure as he aimed to properly inform Tiana of his ventures elsewhere. Is that why he wanted to talk to her so badly, so he could shed any guilt that could possibly hinder him from moving forward?

There’s just no damn way that he started thinking using the wad of flesh between his legs and abandoning the muscle between his ears.

There’s no damn way he just gave up on her so quickly. In her tipsy state, she was able to admit in the forefront of her mind that she didn’t want him to. Not yet.

She needed to hear such a ridiculous statement from him and him only. She wanted him to say it to her face.

She thought it would be easy if he had moved on, but when that reality seemed to be staring down at her, she not only did she realize how ugly it was, but also how she deluded herself into thinking she wouldn't care if that happened.

She cared far too much.

“I thought that would make you happy?” Misha tested, her voice creaking like worn hinges. “I thought…there was nothing going on between you two?”

“There isn’t-”

“You fucking liar.” Misha lashed out, her words quick to cut at Tiana’s words, and all Tiana could do was swallow her response. “Everyone’s a fucking liar.”

“I want to speak to Nanami.” Tiana demanded, pressing a bit more, and the line went silent for a second. Tiana tried to hone in on some clues that would tell her where Misha was right now; it sounded as if maybe the woman were outside.

Misha gives a slight chuckle, pulling the phone from her ear, holding it closer to her mouth so that Tiana could hear every syllable escaping her mouth.

“We’re busy.”

Tiana’s gut twists as the line goes dead, and she immediately calls the phone back again. And again. And again, to no avail. Every time, she is met with an automated voicemail, as lifeless and as cold as her living room felt.

Misha stood in the snow after turning Nanami’s phone off, carelessly dropping it into the slush. She stalks away, taking long strides as she flees from the scene, needing to get away. She got the answer she was so desperately looking for and then some, and she didn’t like it one bit. Her curiosity inevitably put her on the chopping block, her life and career on the line.

She chewed on her thumb, her teeth pinching at her flesh until she tasted something metallic. She doesn’t even bother looking, wiping her damaged finger onto her pant leg.

What if Tiana finds out that I lied, Misha thought, scrambling to find a solution. If Tiana caught wind of Misha’s act of deception, Misha might actually be done for.

No, Misha thought. That won’t happen.

Tiana would have said something about the past by now. And by the looks of tonight, she doubted Tiana and Nanami would have much to talk about. Tiana didn’t even properly acknowledge him, and Nanami seemed to be completely shut down by the end of the night. As long as there was a bit of miscommunication, then everything would be fine. That feeling of animosity would still thrive in this cesspool environment of confusion.

Tiana didn’t want to talk to him, Misha thought. And after this, she won’t want to even think of him, because Misha would forever be tied to their relationship. Distrust would always be there, and insecurities would plague their minds.

Misha stares at the dark canvas that is the sky, stars sparkling like tiny holes poked into the atmosphere. She exhales, shaking her limbs, trying to satiate herself with the fact that those two would continue to suffer, but it didn’t make her feel any better, no matter how hard she tried. She watches her breath exit in white wisps.

“I’m done.” Takuma slurs, his head thudding on the table. His eyes were blinking slowly, irises phasing across his field of vision as he tried to focus them on Nanami.

“Calling it quits already? I thought you were the party guy.” Nanami attempts to joke, but his tone is quite somber.

“I can’t…take another sip…” Takuma groaned, his forehead kneading into the wood, a sort of rolling sound emitting from the constant contact.

“I can’t believe you let Hana drink you under the table.” Nanami said sarcastically, looking towards the bar where Hana was eying a line of shots, rubbing her hands together with a devilish sparkle in her eyes. She looked as though she had been downing water the entire night, completely unaffected by whatever she was throwing into her system.

Takuma lifts his head slightly, completely dazed as a circular, red bruise seems to form on his forehead, and he lets it fall back onto the table with a solid thud.

“She’s a beast, man.” He murmurs, sounding quite pained.

Nanami lets out an airy breath, before sharing the real question he had been wanting to ask Takuma.

“Have you seen my phone by any chance?” Nanami asks. “I’m sure I had left it at the restaurant, but when I went to check it wasn’t there, nor did the festival lost and found have it.”

Takuma, still face planted into the table, waved his hand around in the air as if the question Nanami asked was common knowledge.

“Misha grabbed it when you left the restaurant. She should be around here…somewhere.” And his hand flops back down to his side, swinging lifelessly.

“Misha…?” Nanami’s neck jolts back. If she had it, then why didn’t she give it to him? Albeit, they didn’t end on great speaking terms, but that wasn’t a great excuse for withholding his items.

“Yeah…ugh…” Takuma groans, forehead digging into the surface to cool his inflamed skin.

Nanami nods, clapping Takuma’s back gently.

“Get home safe.” Nanami requests, then begins stalking back out the door. Takuma simply twitches a finger, unable to even will his arms or mouth to move.

Nanami steps outside, cold air greeting him once more as he tries to find an end to this wild goose chase, all for a damn device. He walks to where he had been standing, staring at the spot where they had stood; noting how the imprint of his shoes were stilled compared to where Misha had been standing. Hers were frantic, uneven, strewn across the snow in an incoherent pattern. And right next to her marred footsteps was Nanami’s phone, protruding from the white snow.

He bends down, picking the device up, blowing the snow out of its sockets and wiping it off on his pants.

Unbelievably childish, Nanami thought. And Tiana thought someone like that would be better for me?

Nanami turns his phone on, at first believing it had miraculously died, but the screen blinks on after a moment, the light illuminating his face in blue as his phone pinged with all the notifications he missed due to his forgetfulness.

A few text messages, some work emails, and 27 missed calls from Tiana.

27 missed calls from Tiana?

Nanami clicked on the notification, swallowing thickly as he scrolled through his call log, counting the times that her name popped into his field of vision.

27 missed calls from Tiana.

Immediately, Nanami pressed her name, her photo blowing up onto the screen, and it went to voicemail. Nanami’s eyebrows furrowed, and for some strange reason, he felt a strange sense of panic shift into his stomach. It must have been something serious, there was no way Tiana would go to lengths this great over something so miniscule, especially when she was consciously avoiding any conversations with him to begin with.

What if something happened to her? She got stuck somewhere after wandering out once she woke up?

Tiana’s name popped up, Nanami finally receiving the call that he had missed 27 times. Finally receiving a response from her. He felt a sense of elation as he swiped across his screen, answering the phone.

“Hello-”

“Where are you right now?!”

Nanami is taken aback.

“Am I supposed to be somewhere specific-”

“Kento, don’t get smart with me.” Tiana sounded completely vexed, and Nanami found himself straightening his posture. “Where the hell are you?”

“I’m outside of the karaoke bar?” Nanami spoke as if he wasn’t sure if he was actually there or not.

“Is there anyone with you?”

“What?” Nanami was so confused. What was with these questions?

“For fucks sake, Nanami, just answer the damn question!”

“No!” Nanami was quick to abide by her requests, as demanding and random as they were. “No, no, why would you- why would you think that?”

“Where are you going?”

“Home?”

“Where do you live?”

“Tiana- are you still drunk?”

“Oh, God, Nanami, just text it to me. I don’t have time for this-”

Nanami hears a horn blare through the phone, and he begins speed walking to his vehicle.

“Are you…driving? While drunk?!” Nanami asked, completely mortified by the idea. He truly didn’t mean to raise his voice.

“Hell no!” Tiana shouted back into the line, then she heard some incoherent yelling in the background. “I’m in a cab, but it’s just as terrifying.”

“Why didn’t you stay home?”

“Because, I need to see you.” Tiana’s voice croaked slightly, a hint of desperation in her words. Nanami gripped the steering wheel, chewing on the inside of his cheeks as he contemplated what he should do. Of course he wanted to talk to her, he longed for a deeper understanding of each other. But he wasn’t sure if this was the most conducive option that they had. Emotions and nerves were running egregiously high; maybe they really did need some time apart.

“Tiana-” Nanami tried to refute, but Tiana wasn’t having it.

“That wasn’t me asking. I was telling you. I’m going to see you.”

Nanami completely caved, unable to protest or deny this woman anything, and he found himself frowning on his way home as he recounted how he lacked the power to stand his ground. Always at her beck and call, a part of him feeling as though he owed it to her when taking his own mistakes into account.

Maybe obeying her majesty was his own way of atonement and docking his own sense of guilt; he kept pretending it wasn’t there because it was much easier to believe that when it was just the two of them in their own world.

Nanami pulled up to his house, a running cab parked so close to the curb the front passenger tire seemed to balance on it. Nanami pulled into the driveway of his home, putting the car in park and turning it off. He jumps out, slamming the door shut just as he sees Tiana jogging over to him; more so a prance as she maneuvered through the snow.

Nanami did a glance over; she was still in her clothes from earlier, her eyes were less puffy but she kept sniffling as she glared up at him in silence.

This is the exact opposite of what Nanami wanted. He had aimed to make her smile, keep her happy for the rest of her days, but so far all Tiana had done was sob and look absolutely shattered whenever they so much as glanced at each other over the past 24 hours. It was gut wrenching, and for a moment Nanami had to look away in shame.

The two kept pushing each other when they should of been pulling, unable to coordinate an equal balance to bring back that air of comfortability. Giving when they should have been taking. Talking when they should of been listening. It was a cycle that would leave both parties irritated and unsatisfied.

I need to give her some space. Let her breathe.

“Tiana-”

“Is it true?”

Nanami frowned. “So many obscure questions today.”

Tiana didn’t back down, instead rephrasing the question so it made a bit more sense to him than it did in her head.

“You and Misha. Is it true?”

Nanami’s face soured at the name, and he whipped his head around as if looking for whoever planted such ridiculous thoughts in her head.

“Is what true?” Nanami asked, raising his hands. “This is why I didn't want to talk right now. You’re not making any sense, you’re still intoxicated.”

“Nanami I-” Tiana gripped rubbed her temples for a moment, trying to regain her train of thought. “Jesus, why is this so hard to spit out…”

Nanami halted, hanging onto Tiana’s nonsensical words. His heartbeat was obstructed with the stilling of his breath, as he wondered what Tiana was going to say. And if his premonition was correct, he really didn’t want her to say it right now. Not like this.

Tiana blows air through her lips quickly, her cheeks vibrating as she shakes her hands free of nerves.

“I just…I didn’t expect you to move on so quickly.”

Nanami blinks, his mouth slightly agape as a small bit relief flooded him.

“I’m not understanding.”

“I know I said that you should, and I regret it but, damn.” Tiana said, clutching her curls in a tight grip as she looked out into nothing. “You could've at least given it a week.”

Nanami stood there with squinted eyes; he looked so confused by Tiana’s statement that Tiana herself became mystified, the two trying to find that piece that they seemed to be missing from each other’s story.

“I’m not understanding…” Nanami spoke slowly even though he had an inkling of what the answer was. He saw the singular answered call from Tiana, and it obviously hadn't been him. “...where, or who you got that idea from?”

“They don’t matter. This matters. Right now matters, and I don’t want to wake up feeling regret.”

Nanami silenced himself, waiting for Tiana to speak. Tiana looked down at their feet, not being able to withstand Nanami’s concerned gaze. She was scared that she’d catch the glint of a liar.

“What you said, that night. What you were going to say-” She pauses, fiddling with her fingers. “Was any of that true? About sharing that fear?”

Nanami thought back to what he had said, his emotions were so out of control that night that the words he had said were seared into his brain, along with his own embarrassment. Nanami blushed, face red with bashfulness as Tiana continued to talk.

“I just want to know if you really meant it, and if you still do now.” Tiana’s shaking hands reached out to grab Nanami’s, uncurling his fingers from his palms as she clasped them. “I don’t want to go forward with the speculation that you simply said that to make me feel better. That you’re simply kind to me to make me less lonely. Not just for me, but so you can move-”

“I don’t want to move anywhere unless I know you’re there with me.”

Tiana looked up, met with such a determined look on his face, a fresh feeling of solace washing over her soul. It was as if she had been doused in mint, her skin numb to the chilling wind outside but something in her stomach had set ablaze, tugging at her insides and somehow pulling her closer to him mentally and physically.

And as Nanami admired how the stars reflected in her eyes, Tiana was infatuated with how his eyes shone brighter than the collected constellations in the sky.

“Ten steps forward, twenty steps backward, it doesn’t matter.” Nanami felt his tone grow more passionate by the minute, fueled by the irritating fact that someone attempted to plant a seed of doubt between them, and make him into a liar.

A liar.

He squeezes her hand, rejecting his reality.

“Everything I said that night was true, even more so now. If you never trust anything I saw ever again, anything at all…” Nanami’s heart squeezed, aching him to his core. It was so hypocritical to ask Tiana for this much faith, when their relationship was built on a farce. Who knew a ploy so cruel would lead to him finding the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?

Nanami knew better than to spring his emotions on her again, especially when their collective consciousness was knotted in confusion, one loose string away from being unraveled. So he took her hand, placing it over his hammering heart, the thrumming muscle racking away at his ribcage. He was nervous. He was afraid. But he was sure about one thing, of one person.

And that was enough to ease any ailments plaguing his mind.

“Then trust this feeling.”

When was the last time Tiana felt the heartbeat of another? Beating so rapidly that the vibrations seemed to comfort her fidgeting grasp, fingers clenching the fabric of his sweater? The warmth of another body, the warmth of another soul within her reach, intertwining with hers.

When was the last time Tiana’s heart synchronized to the beat of someone else’s?

“Trust my heart, and in turn…” Nanami’s eyes bore into her, prying her apart piece by piece. “Trust yours.”

Tiana stilled her breathing, and noticed how Nanami himself stopped as well, the small gap of air between them free of misty breaths, and replaced by glances through lidded eyes and slightly parted lips.

“And whoever told you-” Nanami started, and Tiana laughed as she shook her head, cutting him off quickly.

“Don’t worry about them. Don't do anything. I’ll handle it.” She said, pushing her palm into his chest gently, etching his heartbeat into the palm of her hand. Nanami raised a brow, his lips slightly pursed.

“You’ll handle it?”

“I will. And then,” Tiana knows she should take her hands off of him, but there is a delay in her movements as she pries her hand off of him. She rolls her thumb over her fingers, imitating that warmth, that friction. “And then we can talk. For real. I just have to do something first.”

The cab blares its horn, ricocheting off the pavement and causing both of them to jump back to planet Earth. Tiana whips around, cheeks puffed from embarrassment and anger.

“I said give me a ten minutes!” She fumed, yelling back at the driver, who seemed to be tapping his wristwatch as he looked at the two expectantly.

Nanami chuckles, his head falling forward slightly as he runs his fingers through his hair. After he settles down, he looks back to Tiana, who seemed mystified, eyes glossed over as if there was something else she wanted to say, something else she wanted to do.

As if mentally pressing play, she shakes her head, looking at Nanami once over before nodding her head slightly, and turning to walk away without another word. As she takes her strides, Nanami calls to her once more.

“Don’t do anything rash.” Nanami advises. “If there’s anything I can do to aid you, please don’t hesitate to tell me.”

Tiana stops for a moment, considering the idea. But what she was about to do, she had to confront it on her own. If Nanami became privy to her plan, it could make his job a lot harder.

So she keeps walking, sliding into the cab and driving off without looking back. The further the distance grew between the two, the fainter the tug in her abdomen became, a strange urge bubbling in the back of her throat and causing her lips to tingle. She can’t help but thumb her bottom lip as she chews on it gently, chalking up the strange desire to her level of intoxication.

But those drinks made one thing clear despite her brain being so foggy.

She really can't be just friends with him. Not anymore.

When she got home, Tiana kicked the thought aside along with her shoes, trudging straight to her office and flicking the lights on abruptly. As her eyes adjusted, she marched to her desk, scouring through her stack of folders to find that specific one. The one that she had kept in her back pocket as her ultimate trump card.

She had been waiting for an opportunity to use this, and it filled her with joy at how petty her reasoning was.

Her eyes brightened as she found it, the folder documenting everything that had occurred to her during her time at the job. Time stamps of her lunch period and her extended work hours without compensation, files and forms that she completed that Misha turned in as her own, even the bills of items that she bought for her fellow staff that they “conveniently” forgot to pay back. It was Tiana’s greatest masterpiece, a bomb that was ground splitting in the corporate world.

She pulled out her phone, pressing on the voice app, clicking through the different reels of her and Misha’s conversations. Every microaggression, confession, and insult recorded.

“I realized I was being a bitch. I was jealous.”

“I don’t care about any of that.”

“She can be so scatterbrained.”

“It’s bad enough that you’ve been slacking on the job, celebrating with the rest of us as if you’ve earned the break.”

“If you can’t handle this much as an intern, then how do you expect to work full time?”

“And change your skirt while you’re at it.”

“You’ll be doing us a huge favor, might even earn you a permanent position.”

“I know it may seem like I’m being harsher on you than anyone else, and the truth is, I am.”

“I saw you biking over the weekend. Maybe you should have used that time to rest and prepare properly.”

“I know it’s your first official day, so I’ll give you a pass. But you really shouldn't be so tired.”

Tiana skipped through the reel once more, pausing when she heard her own voice.

“Ms. Misha, I’m sorry, but could you speak to me in English? It’s a bit hard for me to understand.”

There’s a slight pause, followed by the ruffling of clothing as Tiana’s phone slides around in what she presumed was the pocket of whatever outfit she had been wearing that day.

Tiana hears Misha scoff, and she can almost see the disgusted sneer displayed on that wretched woman’s face.

Tiana couldn't wait to grind her into the ground.

“How is that my problem?” Misha had said, the sound of her heels retreating.

“Get to learning.”

ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ | ɴᴇxᴛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ | ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴀʜᴇᴀᴅ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ʟɪꜱᴛ

#tianami #tiana x nanami #fanfic #anime #manga #writing #ao3 fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #misty #crack fic

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