#c and i working together is great but we do sometimes clash. and it happened a few times today.

[onepiexe]

im off. weird day.

[your-favourite-plague]

Could you potentially explain why you ship Kalluto and Feitan? Is it more of a crack ship or like legitimate? You don’t have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable

Hi, thanks for the ask!

Around 4 years ago, when I was watching HxH for the first time (the 2011 version) and Kalluto said the line about "toying with his prey" I thought "lmao is he a sadist like Feitan?" and my brain decided to never shut up about it since then, so it very much can be considered a crack ship, especially that they had mere one inconsequential interaction in canon.

But I like to overthink stuff, so here comes the essay:

Ok before the essay, I think I have to clarify that "shipping" doesn't mean I want them to be canon, or I perceive their relationship as a peak of romance.

Sometimes I just like to daydream about fake scenarios, sometimes it's a great mean to analyze characters too. Authors don't usually give full psychological profiles and as the characters are not real people, we have no idea how they would react to everything, but it's fun to think about. Putting two characters together can create some interesting dynamics that can also serve to further explore their individual personalities.

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1. The most superficial layer — they're both my favorite HxH characters, and thinking about my two favorites at the same time is double the fun. Plus, they just look cool. The high school edgelord inside me is a sucker for dark aesthetics.

🕸

2. The differences between them

I like when there is a ground for conflicts in ships. Even in my ships that are most agreed on in fandom, there are some clashes (e.g. AkiAngel is the most popular ship in CSM and I like their fluff content, but I also very much enjoy how they began with hating each other's guts). I just find it interesting.

Their origins (Zoldycks' wealth vs everything about Meteor City) and their upbringings (the calculated torture-training program to become an assassin vs the chaos and uncertainty of living in the junkyard, when the rest of the world barely sees you as a human) had to heavily influence them, shape their worldviews and values.

Although both work as a part of a group, but the groups themselves have completely different attitudes toward their members.

Serving the group, as the Zoldycks teach it, means sacrificing one's individuality for the sake of it, a duty before personal needs (which probably shouldn't exist in the first place). We can see how devoted Kalluto is to his family, basically anything he does is in the context of it and its well-being.

The Phantom Troupe, on the other hand, is very individualistic. Of course, there are rules and hierarchy, but beyond that the members are free to do whatever they want. We know that not every meeting is obligatory, between missions they can spend the time separately if they want, they can use their skills in a way they themselves find fitting (e.g. Kortopi isn't forced to fight).

One offers stability but requires extreme conformity, the other gives freedom in exchange for volatility of living day by day.

How these approaches may be challenged by each other?

Can they find golden mean, or will one overpower the other?

And the other subject I like to think about:

The self-control

Considering Illumi's words to Killua, Kalluto probably strives to be emotionless and passionless as a good assassin should be, which is showing in having a blank expression 90% of time and the most "dialogue" lines being only the thoughts. The only times Kalluto showed more emotions was a) an angry glare he gave Gon and friends; in my opinion, with limited information he had, the rightful hatred toward people who want to take Killua away and are a cause of recent family problems. b) smiling after killing the ant (immediately followed by self-scolding for the "bad habit", even though he clearly found it enjoyable). c) everything that happened during the Feitan vs Zazan fight, which, again, is mostly shown by his thoughts, so I assume his reaction are a little bit exaggerated. Additionally, he was already distressed by the Troupe's power and his own misjudgement.

Meanwhile Feitan. Oh boy. He seems cold and calculated at first, because of his more stand-offish nature, but I don't believe he's good at self-control. A few times canon points it out:

Another extremes. Another clash.

What if Kalluto would loosen his restraints?

What if Feitan would be forced to hold himself back?

What if both would happen at the same time?

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3. The similarities

So. Many. Traumas. Feitan as a child, had to learn a concept of death very early. Other children disappearing, people from the outside having no regard for the lives of Meteor City habitants – it left a scar on all the founding members. Kalluto was born in the family of the assassins. We know only trainings Killua had to endure, and he's a special heir case, but judging from Kalluto's abilities at his age, he didn't have a fun time either. Both Feitan and Kalluto have to have a screwed view of human life, which isn't really shared by the majority of the population, even in the quite desensitized world HxH is placed in.

Despite what I wrote before about the Spiders, Feitan is shown to be very loyal to both the Troupe and Chrollo. He demands apologies when, in his opinion, Nobunaga insults Chrollo. He doesn't hesitate a second to obey Chrollo's order and sacrifice him for the Troupe's sake. So despite his "Family? What's that?" comment, he seems to be capable of understanding the devotion to the group, and by extent, the Zoldycks' dynamics.

And the first thing I mentioned in this post — the sadistic tendencies. Although, I think they can have different sources (it's already long, (I'm sorry!) I won't write another essay about unhealthy ways to regain a feeling of control over one's life now), it's a peculiar connection. I don't think I have to elaborate on Feitan, as he's rightfully assigned as "the sadistic one" by the fandom. But Kalluto's case is weird. The only scene when he smiles is when he just slowly torn someone apart. Something that in some sense goes against his family. And then it's never mentioned again. I think it has a great potential in revealing his very very very hidden character, and Feitan can be used as a tool to prompt it.

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4. More morbidly, because shifting away from purely emotionally-psychological stuff — would Feitan care about age?

The whole world isn't really concerned about children that much, letting them take the extremely dangerous Hunter exam or compete in the Heaven's Arena. The Phantom Troupe was founded when they were teens. It feels like the old times philosophy of a child being just a weaker adult, and no Spider struck me as a human rights activist to defy that view, especially Feitan.

Adding that he was seen with bdsm loli art book... uhhh. In other situations, I'd take it as Togashi's Easter egg, but the fact that he does it right after torturing someone is quite... concerning. And with the amount of vile acts the Phantom Troupe has committed, I don't hold them to any moral standards and honestly expect the worst of them.

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5. It's kinda me bashing of Zoldycks in disguise... Or rather exploring the consequences of their abuse. In canon we saw Killua's healing story (still not fully finished, I'd say), but as the heir he was a special case. I want to delve into the sadder side of life. It's not unheard of that the neglected child is looking for their place in the world? Comfort? Sense of belonging? Love? In places they definitely shouldn't.

But I could ramble about it for the next few thousands words, so I'll just stop.

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I don't believe someone would read that far, but if you're still here... uh, thanks? Please, don't think of me as a total weirdo for writing all this, I'm just killing insomnia time. Have a good day!

[trixtersurvs]

003.

COVID

How is Covid where you live? It's been rampant here lately. Pretty much everyone I know has had it recently, even people who I figured would never end up having it. I'm not sure about the statistics themselves but it's definitely been going around again

Are you having a food shortage crisis due to drivers having covid and unable to work? Not that I'm aware of

Are you using check in QR codes or filling in manual check ins everywhere you go? I'm not sure what this is referring to

Are you washing your hands/using sanitizer when you can? Yes, I am obsessive about hand washing/sanitizing

What is one thing about covid that is driving you insane? That is just keeps coming back. I know it'll become endemic and we'll have to deal with it forever but I'm tired of it

Are you sick of everyone talking about covid? No one really talks about it like that anymore

Do you find you clash with anyone when discussing covid? Yes. My grandma doesn't believe it's real, I'm pretty sure, and my mom is really lax about masking so we get into it sometimes

What are your thoughts on the vaccinations and boosters? Necessary

What has covid taken from you or prevented? I'm strictly work from home now because of COVID, 3 years later, and it's so isolating

Do you know anyone that has covid? how are they doing? Currently? I think my friend has it but she was never diagnosed. She has the exact same symptoms I had though. I just recovered from my first round of COVID ever a week ago

LIFE

How is life for you right now? It's stressful

Are you Okay? Okay is pushing it but sure

What is impacting your life the most right now? Work

What is something positive that has happened to you recently? I don't know... I guess I got my writing groove back?

Any goals for 2022? It's 2023 now but yeah, I have some I guess. Mainly, find a new fucking job because my bosses are micromanagers who can't decide on what they want ever

Did you make any new year resolutions? No

Seeing many friends through the pandemic? Always

Are you studying? No, but honestly? I'd like to go back to school and do another degree program

Are you working? Unfortunately

Any new hobbies? No

FRIENDS

Who is your best friend? K, D, C

How long have you been friends? All between 11-14 years

What is something about them that makes you smile? K's sense of humor, D's sass, C's loving nature

Have they ever supported you through something major? Yes, always

Tell me a memory of you both together? K's wedding featured all 3 of us, but I have some great memories of each individually too!

Ever travelled together? K and I have. I don't think D or C and I have ever traveled together – at least not very far

Do you share similar interests? K and I do. D and C are a little less similar but we still share some interests

One band or artist you both enjoy? Lord, I don't even know

One hobby you both enjoy? K and I both love writing!

What is something you disagree on? I honestly couldn't tell you

Name a movie you both love. I don't know, man

Name a television show you both enjoy? ^

Any nicknames for each other? Oh yeah, we've all got nicknames for the others 😂

PARTNER

Do you have a partner? Yes

Where Did You Meet? In a Zoom meeting, funnily enough

Who made the first move? He did. He was such a flirt

Have you or have they said ‘I Love You’? Yes

Do you get bored in a long term relationship? No

Much drama in your relationship? We've had maybe more than most but not too too much

Are they loyal and loving? Yes

Name 3 things you have in common: We both love to cook, we both have traumatic childhoods, and our sex drives and kinks match so well

RANDOM

Where are you from? The US

If you could travel ANYWHERE right now, money wasn’t a barrier, where would you go and why? I'd travel all of Europe

[thompsborn]

Can i please get “I know hurts, but you have to stay awake, okay?” With hurt Peter and a really worried Harley 💙💙

(read on ao3)

-

He knows it’s part of the job.

It’s what happens, when someone’s a crime fighting superhero, or an Avenger, or an Avenger in Training, or whatever it is that people want to call it. He knows that the danger comes with it. He’s known for a long time, would be naive to ever try and believe otherwise.

But he’s never been this close to it before.

“Oh god,” Harley says—his voice is shaking almost as badly as his hands are, where he’s got them hovering uselessly. “Oh my god.”

The fight had been close to the tower, is the thing—as in, only a block or two away. When the alarm had gone off in the lab, none of them had been prepared for it, but then Friday had said something including the words, “Green Goblin,” and, “Bombs,” and, “Fire,” and that was all that had mattered, Tony and Peter both suiting up right as Friday tacked on the fact that it seemed to be a team up, that Gobby had apparently brought along some friends.

Harley sometimes thinks about it. Joining them, in a suit that he made a long time ago, that he works on and upgrades as if he’s got plans for what it’ll be for. He thinks about stepping into it and flying off to help them out, but he isn’t ready for it yet. For now, he still works long distance to help out—stays on the comms, gets in contact with first responders, helps use Friday’s scanners and any other tech in the lab to help him get an eye on what’s going on, just to let the team know more, to help out however he can from where he is.

Today, he almost used the suit.

And he would have—if Peter hadn’t been thrown through the window instead.

“We’ve got this,” Tony tells him, sounding out of breath and angry, worry tinging the ends of his words, as he knocks Green Goblin out of the way in order to prevent him from following Peter into the lab through the window. Harley wonders if they really have it at all, but can’t bring himself to ask. “Is Peter alright?”

“I don’t know,” Harley answers honestly, a waver to his tone. The reason he was about to use his own stupid suit is because Gobby’s been targeting Peter the whole fight, like he’s got a personal bone to pick, a grudge to settle. And Peter—the strongest, most capable person Harley has ever met—had stated that he wasn’t going to hurt Gobby, that he wasn’t going to fight back. That he was going to take it.

Well, he took it. He took a lot.

Gingerly, Harley reaches up, peeling Peter’s mask up, up, up, until it’s off completely. He winces at the blood crusted under his crooked nose and dripping from his busted lip, but sighs in relief when bleary brown eyes blink at him. “Hey,” he murmurs. “How’re you feelin’?”

Peter inhales sharply, and lets the air out with a low whine of pain. Harley can’t blame him in the slightest—there’s more rips and tears in his suit now than there are in the shredded remains of his homemade one that he still has, the one that had the Vulture’s metal talons rip through the cloth just to dig into his skin. It would be impressive if it didn’t mean each and every mark on the suit signifies pain underneath.

“Well,” Harley says, a waver to his words but a forced smile on his face. “You look great.”

It makes the airiest of laughs push past Peter’s lips, and he offers Harley a dazed, lopsided little grin. There’s blood on his teeth. “Thanks,” he rasps, wincing slightly. Before Harley can do much more than convulsively swallow back the bile that rises in his throat (his heart coming up with it), Peter suddenly sobers up, and he looks dead serious—not in pain, not dazed, but firm. He reaches forward and grips onto Harley’s shirt, leaves bloody streaks where the glove of his suit has been burned away and the skin beneath has been burned with it, and he says, “Harley, they—they can’t hurt him.”

“Who?” Harley asks, confused.

“Green Goblin,” Peter breathes, shifting his eyes until he’s looking out the window he was thrown through, features strained. “It’s not… I’ve been hiding a lot, about—about that, ‘cause he asked me to and he’s my best friend and—”

Harley furrows his brow. “Wait, wait—what? Back up, Pete. Hiding what? Who asked?”

Peter looks back at Harley, and mixed with the blood and the bruises is a meek sort of guilt. “Harry,” he says. “The Goblin, it—it’s his dad, Harls. It’s Norman. Or, it was, and we—he didn’t want his dad to die like this, but he wanted justice, so we were gathering evidence, everything we could, so we could turn it in and get him arrested, and I wanted—I—I wanted to tell you guys but you know how complicated Harry’s feelings about his dad are and I couldn’t break his trust once he asked me not to and we were so c-close to being able to t-turn him in but then he fuh-found out and—and—”

Harley carefully cups Peter’s face in his hands, being sure to avoid any scrapes and bruises encompassing the skin there. “Breathe, baby,” he murmurs. “You’re still hurt. Don’t push yourself just to tell me this. Take a breath.”

But Peter just shakes his head, sounding urgent as he continues with, “No, you d-don’t—he found out! He—He’s got c-contacts, I don’t know who with, but there’s—there’s a way to control people, and it sounds insane and I know it does but—but—but last week the Goblin showed up, right? And I confronted him but it wasn’t Norman, it was Harry, and he was fighting me and while he was fighting me he said he didn’t want to do it, and—and I don’t know how Norman’s doing it but he’s got Harry under his contol and—and it’s him, Harley! Out there, right now, in that suit that everyone is fighting against—that’s our friend in there, and we… we gotta help him, we have to… we…”

“Peter?” Harley lightly taps his cheek when he sees Peter’s lashes start to flutter, the tension in his body bleeding out, just a bit, leaving him a little bit more limp where he lays on the ground. “Peter,” Harley says again, trying not to let his fear tint his voice too much. “Hey—”

“Tell them,” Peter murmurs, grip on Harley’s shirt starting to go a little weak. “T-Tell ‘em that ‘s ‘arry. Can’t hurt ‘im. You gotta tell ‘em.”

Harley sucks in a shaky breath and tries to compose himself a bit. Knowing Peter as well as he does, it’s not worth insisting reevaluating priorities right now—his stubborn ass boyfriend will deny help until either getting what he’s asked for or falling unconscious, whichever comes first, and with the injuries he has (the ones that Harley can see; who even knows what’s hidden beneath the suit, what bones have been broken and muscles have been torn?) falling unconscious isn’t an option until someone in the Medbay says it’s safe. Because of this, Harley just nods once, reluctantly leaning back a bit in order to address the comms, knowing Friday automatically disconnects and reconnects when it’s clearly necessary. “Guys,” he says into the wave of sound that greets him, overlapping voices and background fighting noise clashing together.

Instantly, the voices go hush. “Harley?” Tony sounds worried already, likely expecting an update on Peter and fearing the worst.

“Goblin,” Harley tells him. “Green Goblin. Peter said—he said it was Norman, and him and Harry were working together to get evidence and get him arrested, but Norman found out. He says that Norman’s got him under some kind of control now, somehow. Like, he’s literally controlling him. Like mind control, I think. The point is, it’s Harry in the suit.”

Sam speaks up, sounding equal parts skeptical and resigned. “Did you say mind control?”

Before Harley can snap at him, Natasha speaks up, telling them all, “Trust me, it’s out there. Unless someone else found a way to do it, I’m assuming this is something left behind from the Red Room—maybe someone found out how she did it, or… I don’t know. I’ll find out how Norman got his hands on it later, but the good news is, as long as it’s the same stuff, I can get my hands on some antidote. He’ll be okay.”

“Fucking antidote?” Sam repeats. “Nat, what the fuck? When did you learn about mind control? What does that have to do with the Red Room? Why do none of us know this?”

Sounding beyond amused, Nat casually says, “Have I mentioned that I have a sister?”

“Oh my god,” Tony murmurs. “Okay, shut up, we can talk about—all of that after this is over. For now—message received, Harley. We’ll try to just knock him down or something so that we can bring him into the tower and have Nat do whatever it is she just said she can do. For now, you worry about Peter. Is he okay?”

Harley looks at Peter, his breath hitching. “Maybe,” he answers. “He refused to let me help him until after I told you guys to not hurt Harry. I’ll keep you updated, though.”

“Sounds like him,” Tony chuckles. “Focus on him and you, don’t worry about updates. Friday can keep me in the loop. You’ve got this, kid.”

The comms disconnect then—Tony’s doing, no doubt, in the hopes of helping Harley from getting distracted by the battle. Harley gets why, but the sudden silence that overcomes the room is startling. For a moment, he freezes.

“Thank you,” Peter breathes, shattering the quiet—and then he promplty blacks out.

“Shit!” Harley leans forward, eyes going wide as his hands, once again, hover uselessly in the air, unsure of what to do. He has to swallow back the lump forming in his throat, and finally settles on checking Peter’s pulse—irregular, and a bit weak, but still there—and trying to wake him up as he asks, “Friday, where’s Doctor Cho? Or—Or Bruce, or fucking Stephen, or—where the hell is an actual doctor?!”

He taps at Peter’s cheek, cautiously shakes his shoulder, not wanting to agitate his wounds or cause any pain, but needing him to wake up. There’s movement behind Peter’s eyelids, but they don’t open, not quite yet. “Doctor Cho is currently at the compound, as well as Mister Banner. They are getting ready to leave for the tower to assist in post battle injuries, but will not arrive for a minimum of thirty six minutes. Contacting Doctor Strange now.”

Okay. That’s something. Harley tries to let himself relax, but it just won’t work—not when Peter is splayed out on the floor in front of him, bleeding and broken and not waking up—

“C’mon, baby,” Harley murmurs, ignoring the waver in his words. “Come on. Wake up.”

It looks pointless—hopeless, almost—but, after a moment, Peter sucks in a sharp breath and his eyes flutter, just a bit. His eyes are glazed over and unfocused, barely even parted at all, but he’s awake and murmuring unintelligible nonsensical sounds that don’t seem to equate into actual words.

Harley breaks out into a grin—one that doesn’t last too long, but the relief is flooding. He moves over his hands until he’s cupping Peter’s face gingerly in his palms. “Hey,” he says, breathes it, really, so much air to his voice that it’s a miracle he’s making any sound at all. “Hey, Pete, look—look at me, honey. Can you look at me? I’m gonna get some help, but until they get here, I need you to try and look at me, okay?”

“Mm.” Peter’s head rolls towards the sound of Harley’s voice, blinks more like little flutters of his lashes as he furrows his brows, mouth twisted up in a pained grimace. “Wh…?”

Progress. Good. “Hi, baby,” Harley whispers, thumbs brushing over the apples of Peter’s cheeks. “You in there? Can you hear me?”

There’s a moment where he gets no response, but, eventually, Peter lifts his chin in a barely noticable nod, and then lowers it to turn his cheek into Harley’s palms. “H’rley?”

“I’m right here, honey. I’ve got you.” Tears burn the backs of Harley’s eyes, well up and threaten to roll down his cheeks. He blinks them away in order to keep his vision clear. “Friday?”

Instantly, Friday responds, telling him, “Still attempting contact with Doctor Strange. I have managed to reach Wong, who has assured me he is getting my message through. Until then, I recommend keeping Mr. Parker awake and trying to slow the bleeding from his abdomen.”

Harley’s gaze flickers down, and he bites back a curse as he notices that Friday’s got a point. While Peter’s enhancements, specifically his healing, makes it possible for him to survive a much larger blood loss than the average person, that doesn’t mean it’s any less worrying to see that there’s a slight puddle beginning to form beneath him. Especially under his midsection, where a large gash across his abdomen is sluggishly yet steadily dripping .

It’s going to suck, putting pressure on a behemoth of an injury like that—Harley has to even out his breathing from just the thought of how much pain it’ll add to the agony Peter is already in—but he has to do it. If he doesn’t, he risks Peter not lasting long enough for Stephen to get here, and Stephen is their only hope.

“Okay,” he mumbles, looking back up at Peter’s pale features, trying for a shaky smile. “Alright, baby, we—we’re gonna have to pull through this next part together, okay? It’s gonna suck, but I’m gonna be right here the whole time.”

Peter looks confused, trying to process Harley’s words and struggling to blink his eyes into focus. “‘Kay,” he slurs out blearily.

Harley reluctantly pulls back his hands, being quick to yank his sweatshirt over his head, balling it up in his grasp and then reaching over with one hand to cup Peter’s face again, the other poised and prepared. “Ready, Pete?”

“Mhm.” It’s clear Peter still isn’t quite sure about what Harley is saying, but he’s agreeing anyway, and—shit, Harley loves him.

Swallowing roughly, Harley nods, just once, and steels his nerves, and presses the hoodie down.

As soon as there’s pressure against the wound, Peter gasps—a horrible, horrible sound, strangled with an agonizing cry, his eyes snapping fully open with clarity shining in them, no longer fogged over and dazed. His back rises off the floor, body instinctively trying to curl in on itself, hands scrabbling to weakly push Harley and the sweatshirt away.

“Hey, hey, hey!” There’s an urgency to Harley’s tone that makes his words come out in a strained sort of rasp. “Peter, honey, you—you gotta calm down, okay? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I gotta slow the bleeding. It’s okay.”

His words seem to help, or the sudden pain spurred on a rush of adrenaline that’s fading as quickly as it came , or perhaps some combination of the two—Harley isn’t sure what it is, exactly, but Peter collapses back onto the floor with a whimper in the back of his throat. “Harley,” he murmurs—barely coherent, words slurring together. “Harley… ‘m tired.”

His eyelids are fluttering. Harley panics. “No,” he says. “No, no, baby, you—you gotta keep those eyes open for me, alright? I’m so sorry, honey, and I—I know it hurts, but you have to stay awake, okay? Stephen will be here soon, and he’ll fix you up, but you gotta—you—”

Peter’s eyes fall shut. Harley sobs.

“I still need to—t-to tell you that I love you!” Peter’s chest stutters with every every rise, with every fall. “We gotta—we have to finish college, Pete, and—and get an apartment together, and grow up all the way, okay? And one of us still has to propose one day, and—and—and we still need to h-have a wedding, where we make fun of Tony for crying so much, but—but it’s out of love, so it’s okay, and—we could have kids, too, Pete! You have to—you have to make it, ‘cause there’s so much left for us, for—for you, and I can’t—baby, please open your eyes, please—”

A second sob bubbles up from the center of his chest when the only response he gets is another stuttered breath. He tries to remind himself that at least that means Peter is still breathing, just in time for Friday to speak up, softspoken as she says, “My message has officially reached Doctor Strange. ETA should be any second now. Boss has been informed.”

Only a moment later, there’s an orange glow from behind him, but Harley doesn’t look, too busy keeping the pressure steady and firm against Peter’s abdomen with one hand, the other now pressed to Peter’s pulse on his neck to assure himself that his heart is beating—his own breaths uneven and choked off as he cries.

A hand lands on his shoulder. “You did good, Harley,” Stephen tells him gently. “Let me take it from here, alright?”

He doesn’t want to let Peter go, but he knows he has to, if he wants to make sure Peter makes it out of this alive. Body trembling, he pulls his hands away, doesn’t stand up (he isn’t sure if he could, with his legs feeling so weak) but manages to scramble back a few feet to give Stephen enough room. “Is he—is he—?”

“I’ll do everything I can,” Stephen assures him, already creating another portal with one hand, using the other to lift Peter off the ground, his Cloak moving over quickly to aid in levitating him. “And I’m good at what I do.”

He leaves with that, disappearing through the portal with Peter—and Harley remains where he is, sitting on the concrete floor of the lab, hands covered in his boyfriend’s blood, sobbing.

Outside, the fight goes on.

In here, the world stops turning.

—

—

—

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, or how much time has passed. He doesn’t know if the fight is over, if they got Harry, is anyone else got hurt. He doesn’t know anything, not for what feels like hours. He just sits, head bowed, face buried in his arms, uncontrollably shaking.

Inside his mind is a jumbled up mess. Part of him can’t stop picturing it—Peter, battered and bleeding out right in front of him. Part of him keeps picturing the future he had been blubbering about, forms images in his head on the two of them at their ESU graduation together, getting the keys for the apartment that they refuse to let Tony help them pay for, maybe bringing in a pet or two, probably alleyway strays that Peter finds on patrol. A ring, not horrendously expensive but still undoubtedly perfect and special, and a wedding, small and wonderful.

Kids. God, he could have kids one day, and Peter could be the guy he has them with.

If Peter makes it out alive.

A shuddering breath wracks his frame, body trembling at the idea of Peter doing anything but. He’s so caught up in all of this, in these two conflicting trains of thought, that he doesn’t hear the door to the lab open, or the footsteps that cautiously approach. It isn’t until a gentle hand settles on his knee that he even realizes he’s no longer alone, and even then, he doesn’t lift his head until he hears a shaky, “Harley?”

It isn’t Tony, or Rhodey, or Sam, or Stephen—it isn’t anyone that Harley would have expected to be the one to come in here right now—but, when Harley looks up, bleary and bloodshot eyes widening a bit, he isn’t all that surprised.

Harry is kneeling in front of his, looking a little bit worse for wear. There’s an abundance of scrapes and bruises scattered about his face, the knuckles on the hand resting on Harley’s knee busted open and an angry looking red. He’s got on the light grey sweatpants and the white cotton shirt that are stocked up in the Med Bay, but the clothes are all rumpled and askew. He looks tired, and heavy, and sad. But, when he sees Harley looking at him, he tries for a smile. “Hey. How you feeling, man?”

“Like shit,” Harley rasps, bring up a hand to scrub at the sticky dried tear tracks on his cheeks, only to freeze just before his hand can come in contact with his face, remembering the smears of dried blood coating his skin. His eyes water at the reminder, but he blinks it away, dropping his hand and clearing his throat. He eyes Harry, frowning. “What about you? Pete… he, uh—he said Norman was controlling you…?”

Huffing out something that’s a bit too hollow and bitter to really be a laugh, Harry nods, looking away with a smile that’s so twisted it looks more like a grimace. “Yeah,” he says. “I still don’t really know what it was, or how he did it, but—yeah. Natasha got me free of it, though, and she said, uh—she has a sister, I guess, who went through the whole… mind control, or whatever the hell that was, so she’s gonna get ahold of her and have her—I don’t know, visit, or something? I think Nat just wants me to talk to someone who knows what it feels like. But…”

He trails off, and Harley—Harley sees, suddenly, how stricken and haunted Harry truly looks.

“But I don’t want to talk about it,” he decidedly says a moment later, eyes downcast. “Not yet. Or ever, really. I mean, how do you even try to talk about the fact that your own father just used some kind of mind control to force you into trying to kill your own best friend, right?”

The way that Harley’s stomach twists and turns on itself makes him swallow back bile. “Is he…”

Harry glances back up at Harley, one side of his lips twitching up. “He’ll make it.” The barely there smile fades into a grimace, and he looks back down. “No thanks to me, of course.”

“I…” Harley isn’t sure what he wants to start with—the relief of knowing that Peter is going to pull through, the irrational anger within him that makes him want to blame Harry for it, the logical majority of him knowing that Harry isn’t the one to blame, that Harry has been traumatized by what just happened and is as much a victim as Peter, if not more so. He settles on murmuring, “It’s not your fault.”

“My hands,” Harry counters. “I did it to him.”

Harley shakes his head, reaches out—pauses, when he sees the dried blood flaking off of his skin, but then—settles his hand on Harry’s shoulder anyway. “Your dad did it,” he corrects. “He used you like a puppet, and that isn’t on you. Peter won’t blame you. I don’t, either.”

“You should,” Harry says bitterly. “I mean, Pete wanted us to tell you guys about it all—about my dad being Green Goblin, when we found out, but I—I was so stupid to think we could do it by ourselves, and so selfish, asking him to keep it between us, all because me and my fucking daddy issues decided it was better that way. Look at where it got us. Where it got him.”

“If you had any sort of idea,” Harley starts, “that anything like this could have happened, would you have made the same choices you made?”

Harry looks offended. “Of course not!”

Harley shrugs. “Then I don’t think you’re the bad guy here. Now, before either of us sinks deeper into our own little depressive spirals here, I think—I think I wanna go see him.”

But that’s not it, is it?

“Need to,” he corrects. “I need to see him.”

Though he still looks conflicted, Harry offers him a nod and gets to his feet, hand outstretched to help Harley stand. “Let’s go.”

—

—

—

There’s a lot of bandages, and bruises, and waxy pale skin. Harley falters in the door, taking the sight of it all in, and then steps forward, again, and again, until he’s falling into the chair situation by the head of the bed heavily.

“I, uh…” Harry trails off, still standing in the doorway. It’s hard for Harley to rip his eyes away and look over, but he does when he registers the waver in Harry’s voice, and finds that the guy is staring intently down at the floor with a furrow to his brows. “I can’t—I can’t be in here. I know you’re right, logically, that it isn’t really my fault, but I was—I remember causing… all of this, okay? Even if I wasn’t in control, I still remember, and I don’t think I can—y’know?”

Be in this room, Harley knows is what Harry’s trying to say. He can’t be here and see Peter like this, when he can so vividly remember his hands causing these wounds, control or no control. Harley swallows roughly and nods, just once. “Where are you gonna go, then? Because I don’t think being alone is good for you right now. Like… I don’t know. Call Flash, at least. He’ll rush over to keep you company and make sure you’re okay. I think you might need that.”

Harry’s eyes flicker up, barely glancing over Peter with a flinch before settling his gaze on Harley. “I will,” he assures. “I’ll call him.”

“I’m gonna ask Friday in twenty minutes if you have yet,” Harley warns. “And if you haven’t, I’m gettin’ ahold of him myself. Understood?”

A half hearted partially there smile punctuated by an eye roll. “Yeah, I got it, you mother hen.”

“Good,” Harley says, nodding.

Moments later, Harry is gone.

Harley turns, slowly but surely, to face Peter once again. It causes a pang in his chest, seeing his boyfriend so beaten down, attached to various machines and IV’s, all there to keep him stabilized, but he finds comfort in the rhythmic beeping that signifies every beat of Peter’s heart, reaches out to hold one of his hands in both of his own, careful and gentle and loving.

Because he loves him. Because Peter is everything, and Harley is in love with him.

“When you wake up, I’m gonna tell you,” Harley whispers, thumb lightly stroking over Peter’s bruised knuckles. “And I’m gonna tell you that I’m in this for the long haul, okay? And if you don’t feel the same, or just aren’t ready to say it back, then that’s okay, ‘cause I just wanna make sure you never get hurt like this without knowin’ how much you mean to me. Sound like a plan?”

Peter’s eyes move beneath his eyelids, his chest rising and falling, fingers flexing, just barely, against Harley’s palms.

Harley beams, eyes watering. “Yeah,” he murmurs to himself. “Definitely a plan.”

[drivingsideways]

hi, I've been going through your jtbc life tag, and seeing your commentary on how the writer lacked in some parts, how differently would you have written it had you helmed it?

How delightful. This no-name fic writer unencumbered by entertainment industry realpolitik would:

1. Write the elder Ye sibling as a woman. Why not? Are women not allowed grief and misdirected rage? Are they not allowed to shake the world? I submit that they are. I don't think there needs to be too much change to Ye Jin-woo's role/ characterization for this to work. The love story between the siblings remains absolutely the same. 

2. HOWEVER. I would not go into a pointless red herring plot about possible murder. Ye Seon-woo and Ye Seol-hee find out about the funds misappropriation; unfortunately Director Lee passes away before he can take any action. With Deputy Director Kim in line for the job, and also their PRIME SUSPECT, ER star doctor Ye Seol-hee gets into battle mode.

3. Meanwhile! Sungkook stalwarts ( and People Who Have Had An Unspoken Thing Between Them for twenty odd years , two marriages, two divorces, and two kids betwixt them) Chiefs Joo and Oh are in the process of figuring out What To Do About the Problem of CEO Gu Seung-hyo. Chief Joo and CEO Gu clash very publicly, and Chief Joo's MORAL COMPASS and (unfortunate!) popularity with the staff make him a front runner for director's post because the Kim Tae-Sang subplot gets resolved a little faster. But! CEO Gu knows Chief Joo would be a total disaster and he thinks Chief Oh would be an acceptable compromise? So he's trying to figure out how to get an in with her, because they seem to be A Team, and she speaks her mind but doesn't do any real politicking; ffs, she hasn't even put her name on the list. How now?

4. Hello, junior NEUROSURGEON Lee No-eul of the sunny smiles and unfortunate taste in friends, but BETTER taste in mentors i.e Chief Oh's special fave. Lee No-eul is his in! She seems a sensible sort- they end up sitting having a  meal together at the cafeteria when she walks up and introduces herself and they actually have a particularly good conversation about the govt’s latest regulations re: health insurance- and she adores her sunbae.

5. But how to? Enter Kang Kyung-ah, who LUCKILY has befriended Lee No-eul, VIA Ye Seon-woo, whose love for Lee No-eul could be seen from SPACE, Gu Seung-hyo thinks, but to which No-eul remains charmingly oblivious. But that's not *his * problem, he just needs No-eul to latch onto the idea that Chief Oh should be the next director.

Isn't it time this hospital put women in leadership roles, Kang Kyung-ah asks No-eul over coffee and chatter about kittens. CEO nim was honestly surprised not to see any names in senior management. Of course, the field at the moment was narrow, this was probably something they needed to work on, but Chief Oh has the chops, doesn't Dr.Lee think so? Dr. Lee does think so. Perhaps Dr. Lee should tell her sunbae that then, and y'know, drop the hint that CEO nim would be very happy to see her name on the list. (It would be great drama if this becomes a point of contention between Ye Seol-hee and Lee No-eul rather than you know Romantic Problems Caused By Best Friend Falling For Known Enemy)

5. Chief Oh knows she has the chops. But- there's Chief Joo to consider. She loves him, but god, the man needs to learn to work around things to move them forward, instead of being the tree that won't move. Plus it's a LOT OF WORK, and it's not like she's not already STRESSEDT. Alright, whatever, she's gonna do it.

6. Well, Chief Joo thinks it's a brilliant idea, and really wants her to win, but wait, WHAT, you don't think Gu Seung-hyo needs to be taken down entirely, he just needs to be kept in line? HE HAS SEDUCED YOU WITH HIS CHARM AND HIS PROMISE OF BETTER EQUIPMENT FOR NEUROSURGERY. ARE YOU GOING TO BE SELLING VITAMIN SUPPLEMENTS NOW, IS THAT WHERE THIS IS GOING? (How could you betray everything we've stood for all these years?? How can you betray everything we’ve been to each other all these years?)

7. I feel this would be a great time to bring things to boiling point with a nursing staff strike? Kim Eun-ha was a fave minor character that I would have liked to see more of, and I think her whole cause of better pay/ working conditions for nursing staff would be a great crisis point to really go all out with Our Golden Trio, as Seung-hyo, Chief Joo and Chief Oh take different positions on this, while the directorship remains in the air. 

7. So, well, it's VERY difficult and there's PINING like crazy, but like, when push comes to shove, THEY ARE THERE FOR EACH OTHER OK? He votes for her of course (though he doesn't tell her that), and she brokers a decent compromise for the nursing staff AND gets him a budget for those rural clinics he’s been dreaming of, but oh no, can she ever forgive him for Things That Happened and Oh No Can He Ever Forgive Me For Crossing Sides etc. The Pining (TM) reaches such stratospheric levels that even Ye Seol-hee takes time off from fucking things up to notice. [”How Sungkook’s Hospital betrayed it’s staff by breaking the first ever strike” reads the top online story for a week ]

(What's going on with them, she asks her bestest friend Lee No-eul, who shrugs, philosophically, pats her hand and says, not something you'll understand, you have to know what Real Romance is for that. Hmmph, says Ye Seol-hee, and grumps for a week, but No-eul also notices that these days Seol-hee keeps running off to take calls in secret and it turns out that secret is firebrand reporter and giraffe Choi Seo-hyun? Oh! thinks Lee No-eul, that's adorable, and she tells Seon-woo , and they both look at each other and burst out laughing, and Seol-hee finds her life even more UNBEARABLE thanks for nothing)

7. The point is, Gu Seung-hyo thinks, the point is, Chief Joo and Director Oh are there for each other, their bond wasn't something that even his interference (for admittedly selfish reasons) had broken, and y'know what, he's not a kid, he's emotionally aware enough to admit that he'd really like something like that for himself. What would that even be like, he thinks, as he cuddles Nighty, to know that you weren't alone, and that someone would love you despite your fuck ups or for them, even? And FINE, he wasn't immune to the attraction of deeply moral men who worked 48 hrs straight and fell asleep in supply closets, and NEITHER was he unaware of the way he maybe sometimes found himself taking a little extra care of his appearance on the days he had a meeting with Director Oh, but none of this could be allowed to matter, the point is that they'd never see him as anything but an outsider, and anyway, the way things were going, he'd probably have no cause to see them every single day--

8. "Gosh, listen to this man making us reveal our age," Director Oh says at the farewell dinner they organize for him. It surprises him that it's dinner, that the restaurant is cosy, warm, instead of business-like. It doesn't surprise him in the least that the low, warm lighting accentuates the twinkle Chief Joo's dark eyes as he replies, or that it makes the red of Director Oh’s lipstick headier than the wine they’re drinking. It’s their favourite restaurant he finds out, a small joint that serves Ethiopian food, they’ve been coming here for twenty years, and everyone knows them and they know everyone, and oh, y’know, when he’s in town and not so busy, would he like to join them for their weekly dinners here? 

9. But WHAT ABOUT THE ROMANCE you ask, every kdrama needs a romance, not just subtextual OT3! You’re absolutely right! Not to worry, Kang Kyung-ah is totally on the job! “How adorable is Ye Seon-woo!” she tells Lee No-eul on one of their many dates where they don’t discuss Gu Seung-hyo at ALL, “If I were ten years younger I’d totally hit that!” No-eul laughs, but is also a little embarassed, that’s like her best friend ok, and then Kyung-ah adds, “Not that he’s got eyes for anyone but you!” and No-eul goes, what? and Kyung-ah goes “what?” and then No-eul has a whole ten days (while the Ye siblings are on their seaside vacation) where she’s trying to figure out if a) it’s true and b) what she feels about it and c) then that gets VERY clarified when she finds out that Seon-woo MIGHT DIE and when they are back she’s like, listen up Seon-woo, if you have plans of dying without surgery, just gonna tell you that’s not on the cards, and Seon-woo is like, do you have an alternate plan? and Lee No-eul, neurosurgeon extraordinaire and a woman who knows what she wants, is like, you betcha, we gonna get married and have five kids, and Seon-woo is like *swallows *, “If you say so”, and she’s like “I do.”

FINI. 

[mindynichole]

Okay...so it’s time to tackle Episode 10x18 and why it didn’t bother me that much.

Despite getting to watch TWD Season 10B early thanks to a forgotten AMC Premiere account, I waited an entire 24 hours before I watched 10x18 out of fear of the inevitable. 

And by now I’m sure you know exactly what I’m referring too.

However, after I did finally break down and watch it Friday evening, I was surprised that it didn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. 

Some might say that’s just because of the tinfoil hat now firmly placed tightly around my head after the previous episode convinced me even more Beth Greene might just show up out of the blue one day soon to a TWD universe production near you. Okay, I’ll give you that! 

However, there are very logical reasons why I don’t feel the least bit threatened by this new woodland harlot, Leah, (I’m just joking, geesh) and I’m going to tell you what they are!

Before I begin, I want to make clear that while I’m not thrilled about the idea of Daryl being in a romantic relationship with anyone but Beth, I didn’t really even hate Leah but saw her instead as what I believe she was meant to be. On her own in another situation she probably would be a great character. However, when I have mentioned in the past that I liked this episode, I was mainly referring to the parts with Car*l. Not because I am petty and enjoyed the fight, but because I think these are conversations that Daryl and her need to be having. 

Nevertheless, here’s my take of 10X18. Consider yourself spoiler warned if you haven’t seen it yet.

Daryl was probably at the loneliest part of his life when Leah enters the picture.

Let’s take the time and set this scene a moment... 

At the point in the story when Leah first appears, Daryl has been wandering the woods for three freaking years looking for any sign of Rick’s body. 

While Daryl is away, everything he knows has changed and life has just continued to carry on without him for everyone else he loves. Rick and Carl are both long gone. Carol is busy being a wife and mother. Michonne has pretty much shut off Alexandria from everybody including Team family. Maggie left for parts unknown with Georgie and has taken little Hershel with her. 

Literally every single thing that Rick and Team Family ever tried to build during this apocalypse is shattered and everything the man has ever loved is gone. 

We also can’t forget that the person Daryl would have naturally clung to during this sad time happened to “die” before he ever stepped foot into Virgina. Therefore, Daryl is left with absolutely no one. It’s a damn miracle that he didn’t off himself and might have - had he not been so obsessed in finding Rick’s body.

Leah is Daryl’s exact mirror in female form. 

So he meets Leah after accidentally breaking into her cabin and almost immediately we can see she is literally like him looking into a mirror. Now, I’ve already read many people trying to compare her to Car*l and even Beth and while I do get what they are saying, I also disagree. This lady is no other than the female version of Daryl Dixon. He has surely found his exact match in her.

Here’s how we figure that out:

Leah is tough as nails but obviously has a heart because she doesn’t immediately kill Daryl for busting into her cabin and ultimately lets him go.

You come to find out she had abusive parents and a very shitty childhood just like Daryl.

You find out her life sucked until she found her group - who had given her not only hope but finally a real family.

Like Daryl, her life also greatly improved during the apocalypse.

It takes Leah a very long time to trust Daryl enough to even tell him her name.

You find out she had a son who was born very much like Judith was. Her “sister” died giving birth to him, causing her to raise him as her own.

Something horrible happens to the group (horde of walkers) and everyone else gets killed. She takes her son and runs to the cabin only to realize that he had been bitten and ultimately dies. 

It highly implied Leah blames herself for what happened to her family.

Like Daryl, at this point in the story Leah has lost everything she has ever loved, has sought refuge in the woods, and is completely alone.

Yet, in no way, shape, or form was Leah ever supposed to be a replacement for Beth. Instead, I believe she actually demonstrates why Bethyl worked so well.

While I’m okay with the character of Leah, she’s no Beth. Not even close. As I stated before, she is just like Daryl and that’s really the problem.

Because we need to understand the thing that made Bethyl work so well was their fundamentally different personalities fitting together like peanut butter and jelly - both perfectly fine on their own but together making the perfect combination. 

And TPTB spent a lot of time and effort back in the day showing us how much this was so.

While sometimes opposite people clash, we were shown that their different natures surprisingly completed each other very well. In other words, they were each other’s yin and yang. This was most obvious with Daryl helping Beth realize her own strength and Beth showing Daryl how to move forward. However, I could create an entire meta...and there are many that already exist out there...listing countless examples of how we saw them bringing the best out in each other. The combination of this along with their utmost (even sometimes brutal) honesty, shared history, and absolute trust in each other, created a foundation for a very healthy relationship.

In contrast, two people with nearly identical personalities and the same exact kind of unhealed trauma like Leah and Daryl, are usually not good life partners because they can hinder and get in the way of each other’s forward progress. 

While you can understand why these kinds of people gravitate together and form bonds over shared experience, resulting romantic relationships can often be rocky. Many times the shared trauma can result in both partners having the exact same kinds of problems with trust, communication, and reckless expression of feelings. There is nobody in the relationship to model different kinds of behaviors and ideas since both tend to have the same life experiences to draw upon. Instead, each serves to the other as a living testament to and as confirmation of why their negative thoughts and behaviors are correct. 

In other words, there is nobody there to throw the life preserver when both people are drowning. Nobody to even suggest to either partner a different way of doing things. 

Also, when the relationship’s foundation is based solely on shared trauma, the trauma itself can become the only thing holding the two partners together. 

This is why I never thought Daryl and Car*l would ever make good romantic partners. However, at least they have different types of personalities and kinds of trauma. Car*l is just...well Car*l - a force all on her own - and there’s nothing to suggest she ever experienced abuse in childhood. However, Leah being an exact carbon copy of Daryl gave that relationship even less of a chance.

And what I have just described seems to be exactly what we really do see happen between Daryl and Leah in Episode 10x18. I could list various examples but for time’s sake, I’m choosing not to because I am sure you can see it too - at least now that I’ve brought it up.

Just know I also believe this is why NR seemed to imply the relationship was not good in earlier preview shows.

Daryl flat out told Leah he didn’t know if he could choose her. 

As many others have already pointed out throughout the weekend, I believe the biggest difference between Daryl’s reaction to Leah and his reaction to Beth is the simple fact he really didn’t seem to  want to stay in that cabin with Leah forever. He doesn’t even seem all that upset about it either until he starts talking with Car*l later.

This drastically contrasts with the “Oh” scene with Beth. Hell, Daryl didn’t even care if the looney person who had been tending the funeral home and dressing up corpses came back! He wanted nothing more than to stay there and live happily ever after with her. There was no hesitation. 

I would go as far as to say Beth is the only person able to completely divert Daryl's attention away from the rest of his family - much like she did when he spotted the Grady car and began his pursuit. However, Beth would never even ask such a thing - because not only is it her family too - but also because Beth was much too unselfish to let Daryl make those kinds of choices.

So you might ask yourself why he changed his mind in the end and made him decide to go back to Leah?

I believe he makes this choice because of the conversation with Car*l. She basically tells him that everyone else has found their place and it is time for him to find his place too. It begins to slowly eat at Daryl how they have all moved on without him. It’s important to remember that by this time in the story, he’s pretty much done scouring the river for Rick. He’s already checked out that “one last place” he hadn’t been. So now he’s beginning to ponder Car*l’s words and wondering where his place is now? Where does he go from here? It’s logical to think maybe he’s supposed to be in those woods with Leah after all.

Daryl and Leah’s relationship doesn't seem to leave much of a lasting impression or effect on Daryl.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe Daryl most definitely cared about Leah. Yet, we can’t forget how we first found Daryl all those years later after the time jump in Episode 9X6.

If you remember right, Daryl still wasn’t doing all that great. His relationship with Leah apparently does absolutely nothing to change his outlook on anything. 

In comparison, we all know what just a few short weeks - perhaps a couple of months - in the woods with Beth Greene does to Daryl Dixon. It changes his character profoundly! 

Daryl might have went back to Leah at the time...BUT he made it crystal clear to C*rol that he knows where he belongs NOW. That’s what the entire fight between them was really about.

There is a line that Daryl spits out during his fight with Car*l that sums up exactly why he wasn’t able to give up everything and stay with Leah. He tells Car*l that he knows where his place is…and he’s referring to being with his family at Alexandria. He’s angry that she doesn’t seem to understand that it’s where her place is as well.

AK later points this line out on TTD as important too. In fact, she literally states that his relationship with Leah is purely in the past and they will not go there again. It is rare for a showrunner to flat out proclaim something like this. It means she felt it was important for the audience to understand that this was done.She also points out that the fight is really about how sick Daryl is of Carol running away every time things get extremely difficult.

I would go a step further and say that Daryl is probably projecting what he now realizes was going on with himself when he was wandering the woods and choosing to stay there with Leah all those years ago. He’s upset with himself for having done so and he’s upset with Car*l that she has yet to have come to the same conclusion.

Ps: Be on the lookout for another post - a part two of sorts - later this week detailing all the things I’m still tinkering in my mind about this episode! ;)

Until then, keep calm and Bethyl on! She’s coming soon...

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Texan-born, Brooklyn-based singer-songwriter and TikTok personality Allison Ponthier makes a splash with 'Cowboy' – it's the enthralling first taste of her upcoming EP. Finding a path away from her conservative upbringing, queer singer-songwriter Allison Ponthier is another artist making country music her own. Taking references from Kacey Musgraves and Orville Peck, Ponthier's take on the genre is high camp and features a kaleidoscopic visual world too. Growing a huge following on TikTok, 'Cowboy' marks the start of a whole new chapter for Ponthier with her debut release with Interscope and Polydor. The track itself references her move from the bible belt to New York City and her journey accepting her sexuality. Warm and inviting 'Cowboy' is cinematic pop with some real heart-on-sleeve confessional songwriting. Complete with a masterful music video that runs like a mini-movie complete with impressive special effects, on reflection, cinematic is an understatement. The video itself is a striking and exciting introduction to this new artist, “I probably watch movies more than I listen to music,” Ponthier says of the video. The clip, directed by Jordan Bahat (Christine and the Queens) adds a whole new cosmic energy to the track and aims to amplify the lyrics' detailed storytelling. As she unveils more of her forthcoming debut EP, Ponthier explains what we can expect from her; “a lot of my songs are about being uncomfortable in your own skin but getting to know yourself better, figuring out who you really are.” [via the Line Of Best Fit]

Miley Cyrus has shared the full video for 'Angels Like You'. The pop rebel returned in 2020 with her excellent album Plastic Hearts, a series of superb empowerment anthems. Album highlight 'Angels Like You' has received the video treatment, shot at the Superbowl in front of an audience of fully vaccinated healthcare workers. Miley has also provided a note for the video describing her feelings of gratitude to these workers. [via Clash]

LA punk four-piece The Paranoyds have dropped a new video for track 'Egg Salad', taken from their album Carnage Bargain which is out now on Suicide Squeeze. The video's director Nicole Stunwyck comments "The video presents the glitzy & glamorous world of a teenage girl who, after accidentally catching a beauty pageant on TV, dreams of her rise to stardom & subsequent downfall... It’s not a commentary on anything but an experimental depiction of my own personal fascination for young tragic starlets alà Valley of The Dolls."

Noga Erez and collaborative partner ROUSSO have shared a fifth compelling new single from forthcoming album KIDS which is set for release on March 26 via City Slang. 'Story' is a snappy, addictive song about how couples relationships are always a relationship between two people’s past and present. "Everyone brings their past experiences to the relationship even if things are great" Erez comments. "Sometimes past situations come in and take over." As with the album's previous singles 'Story' is brought to life with a captivating video, starring Erez and ROUSSO, who also provides vocals on the track. "ROUSSO is my partner in music as well as my partner in life" she explains. "This is the first time we tell a story about our relationship in a song and video. It’s a song about a couple fighting and how, in that situation, sometimes what you hear the other person say is not what they actually said. The making of this video was a 10-day couples therapy session for us. As we rehearsed the pretend fighting and martial arts moves we knew that, at times, one of us would get punched just a little too hard. It was so intense and interesting to live in this world, where our relationship comes alive in the most physical way."

After announcing Detritus with lead outing 'Stories' last month, Sarah Neufeld has unveiled the album's second single 'With Love and Blindness'. Neufeld says of the song and Jason Last-directed video, "The video for 'With Love and Blindness' came together through a long-time collaboration between myself and videographer Jason Last. I knew that Jason and I would work together again on some visual aspect for my third solo release, and it so happened that before I even began recording the album, we were presented with the opportunity to do a mini residence on Corsica with Providenza; an amazing collective with a farm, cultural laboratory, festival and residency program." She continues, "I was doing a short solo tour in Europe in the summer of 2019 in order to re-work some of the pieces from the dance collaboration to begin to find a shape for the album that was to be recorded in the Fall. In the middle of that tour, Jason and I travelled to Corsica for several days (graced once again with a suitcase containing Esteban Cortazar’s unique and beautiful creations). Besides performing in Providenza’s outdoor amphitheater, we were immersed in nature, literally staying in a treehouse perched on the side of a mountain, overlooking the dramatic coastline." Neufeld adds, "I found that the pulse of the landscape resonated with the essence of the music, especially "With Love and Blindness"; a sense of rawness, of sensuality, of a strange gravity intensified by the hypnotic summer heat and the general otherworldliness of the place." [via the Line Of Best Fit]

Molly Burman was brought up around music. At every family event, every party, the soundtrack would resonate with her, providing an education in itself. Both parents were gigging musicians, and she always wanted to follow in their footsteps, to use performance as a means of self-expression. Lockdown brought the time and space to bring these ideas into focus, and she's working to unveil a series of one off singles. Her debut single proper 'Fool Me With Flattery' is out now, a blissfully melodic piece of indie pop with some whip-smart lyricism. There's a tongue in cheek element to her sound that is fantastically endearing, matched by the subtle lo-fi elements of her bedroom pop confection. She comments: "I wrote the song after a long day of feeling overlooked and ignored by some of the guys in my life. I was fed up, angry and used the stereotype of a mansplaining misogynist to let it all out. This song is for anyone who feels belittled and like they’re being made to shrink themselves; be as big as you possibly can, and don’t let anyone fool you with flattery." The video is a hilarious showcase for Molly's offbeat sense of humour. [via Clash]

Punk provocateurs Pussy Riot have unveiled their latest song 'Panic Attack', as well as a music video that features a hologram of singer Nadya Tolokonnikova. This is the final release from Pussy Riot’s new Panic Attack EP, a collection of three linked songs that, for now, can only be streamed as separate singles. The title track features punk guitars underneath a tinkling music box melody, as Tolokonnikova turns anxiety into a sports cheer. “Gimme an A,” she says, “Gimme a T/ Gimme a T/ Gimme an A/ Gimme a C/ Gimme a K/ Okay? Okay.” While upbeat and seemingly cheerful, the synth-punk song comes out of the trauma she experienced in a Russian prison camp. As she explained in a statement, “After serving 2 years in a labor camp, I’m still struggling with mental health issues. Trauma, fear and insecurity never fully go away, causing depression episodes and deep anxiety. ‘PANIC ATTACK’ was born as the result of me staring at the wall for 24 hours in the middle of the pandemic, feeling 100% helpless. I was trying to write something uplifting to encourage people to get through the tough times. But I was just failing and failing. Magically, at the second I allowed myself to be honest and write about despair I was experiencing, I wrote the track in like a half an hour. Depression is a plague of the 21st century, and it tells me that there’s something broken in the way we treat each other. The video ‘PANIC ATTACK’ reflects on objectification of human beings, loneliness, disconnection from the environment that causes us to feel small and powerless. And it’s us who caused it with our own hands – that’s why in the end of the video I’m fighting with my own clone.” The music video for 'Panic Attack' was directed by  Asad J. Malik. He used 106 cameras to capture all angles of Tolokonnikova, then converted that information into a photoreal hologram. Afterwards, Tokyo-based creative technologist Ruben Fro built out landscapes reminiscent of video games through which the virtual Tolokonnikova could frolic. But as the visuals progress, those idyllic settings give way to a hellscape, and the singer faces off against a clone of herself. [via Consequence of Sound]

The wait is finally over. BLACKPINK’s Rosé shines like the star she is with her official solo debut. On Friday, she released two solo songs on her debut single album titled R, 'On the Ground' and 'Gone.' With its deep lyrics, angelic bridge, and Rosé’s high note at the end, 'On the Ground' is an exemplary song for her solo debut. Add the fact that Rosé is credited as a writer for the song, and one can really tell how much time she spent perfecting it for release. The accompanying music video, meanwhile, expands the story of life and growth. Rosé starts off looking lost and trying to find herself amidst all the wildness of life; she eventually encounters past and present versions of herself while searching for answers and purpose. By the end, she finds herself and her path forward, and one can’t help but smile as she sings an explosive outro. [via Teen Vogue]

On Ellise's latest alt-pop concoction the rising pop star gets gothic as 'Feeling Something Bad...' transforms a crush into an obsession. An expert at catastrophising everyday experiences, the LA-based artist has arrived fully formed with not only a consistent and cohesive sound but a striking visual identity too. That's even more clear when you press play on the accompanying video for her latest infectiously catchy track. With the clip directed by Joakim Carlsson we get to see Ellise in her absolute element as she brings "Feeling Something Bad..." to life in a macabre world of its own. “I just love dramatising little everyday feelings in life, so this is my big dramatic ‘I have a crush on you’ song,” Ellise explains – it's a song she wrote about a boy she barely knew. [via the Line Of Best Fit]

With President Biden determined to get the majority of American adults vaccinated by summer, bands are earnestly beginning to look forward to the return of live music. Purity Ring are the latest to announce 2021 tour dates, which they’ve shared alongside the video for their track 'sinew'. The song comes from WOMB, the synth-pop duo’s first album in five years that was released just before the pandemic struck. Directed by Toby Stretch, the clip brings back the abstract graphics and costumes that featured in the 'stardew' music video, continuing the enigmatic story of the domed bicyclist and their sun-headed sidecar companion. [via Consequence of Sound]

Australian Pop Princess, Peach PRC releases the official music video for her debut single 'Josh'. Peach PRC comments on the official 'Josh' visuals, “The music video was inspired by growing up watching the same five infomercials, morning news channels and old movies on my little pink box tv when I was a kid and couldn’t sleep on a school night. The idea was to have “josh” feel just as harassed the more he tries to call. Every creative step along the way was entirely my vision, from writing the music video script, to the lyrics and everything in between. I’m so happy and hope all the girls, gays and theys who dated “josh” will sing along.”

[echo-bleu]

Muffled Screams

@lire-casander, happy birthday!! I hope you had an amazing day. I really meant to post this early enough for you to actually see it today, but I’ve only got a minute to spare till midnight, so that’s a bust :D I still hope you like it!

This is set sometime after season 1, ignoring season 2 (domestic Malex with emotional h/c and fluff).

Michael wakes up with a start, to the sound of muffled screams. He sighs internally, forbidding himself from turning in bed to face Alex. It's the second time this night, and it's not even four yet. He stays very still until Alex's panting subsides, giving him a minute to compose himself before he yawns and stretches, finally turning.

“Hey,” he murmurs, seeing Alex's open eyes staring at him. “You're awake.”

“So are you,” Alex points out. For a moment, Michael wonders if he's betrayed himself, but Alex just runs a hand down his bare shoulder. “It's early. You should go back to sleep.”

Michael nods, slowly. He almost wants to say something, to tell Alex that he knows what woke him up, but he doesn't.

He is lost. He's been living with Alex for almost eight weeks now, and things have been going surprisingly well. He half expected to have trouble adjusting, after years of being on his own in his trailer, or that Alex would feel crowded, or that they would have the same trouble communicating that have held them back for so long, but none of that happened.

That's not to say that it has been easy. Alex maintains a strict schedule even on his days off that clashes with Michael's need to sleep in. Michael is about as far from domestic as anyone could be, and neither of them can really cook. Suddenly being squished together in the same house, after so many years apart, has been difficult in many way, and not the least because they both agreed not to allow themselves to fall into bed instead of talking about things. Which they haven't been all that successful at.

But globally, it's going great. There has been no talk of taking a step back, of Michael going back to his trailer even for a few nights, though he made it clear that he's ready to do so. He knows Alex probably wouldn't ask him to leave even if he needed him to, at least not frontally, but he hasn't been getting this kind of vibe from him at all.

There's just one bump in the road.

Michael doesn't know exactly why he keeps pushing back the moment when they'll have to address it. He wants to give Alex time, and space to deal with this, he tells himself. The first few nights, Michael freaked out when he woke up to Alex's screams, and Alex seemed more shaken by his panic than by his own nightmares. Nightmares that left him terrified and panting, and rarely let him go back to sleep.

After the third night, Alex stopped screaming and started biting his pillow. It still woke Michael up, but that's when he started to pretend to sleep, instead of making Alex feel guilty. He always meant to address it at some point, when they were both awake and in a good mental place during the day, but he never found the right moment. And now it has gone from once a night to twice or three times, and Michael can't take it anymore.

Either Alex's PTSD is somehow getting worse, or Michael's presence is keeping him from using whatever coping mechanism he needs. Michael needs to talk to him.

He just dreads the moment so much. The way Alex looked at him after waking him up those first nights, that haunted, horrified gaze, he never wants to see that on Alex's face again.

He'll talk to Alex today, he decides. It's Sunday, they have nowhere to be, and all Michael has planned is repairing the leak in the gutter behind the house. There's no rain on the forecast for at least a week, so it can wait if needed.

Michael turns around in bed and drapes an arm around Alex, casually. Alex is still rigid with tension, his skin clammy. Michael doesn't show him that he's noticed, and he yawns, closing his eyes.

*

Alex is already up when Michael wakes up again. Michael pats the bed to find his side cold, though it's only six. Alex isn't the kind to sleep in, ever. Michael found that out when he moved in.

Getting up sleepily, wearing only a pair of boxers, Michael runs a hand through his hair and walks out of the bedroom, and into Alex's office next door. Alex is sitting on a small bench in the corner he's set up for his daily physical therapy, his crutches propped up on the wall behind him.

“Morning! I was ready to go shower, but you can go first if you want,” he tells Michael, far too enthusiastically for this time of the day.

“No,” Michael yawns. “Need coffee first.”

“Let me,” Alex says, standing up and grabbing one crutch. He hops over to the kitchen, on the other side of the corridor, to fill what's become Michael's mug with coffee. Accepting it, Michael wonders how he can be so cheerful early in the morning with how badly he seems to sleep.

“Thank you,” he nods, yawning again.

He busies himself with making breakfast while Alex is in the shower. Alex comes back out a while later, with a towel around him and nothing else, to get dressed and put on his prosthesis. Michael can't help staring.

“You see something you like?” Alex asks, amused.

They've been going slow in that department, too, but not so slow that they've been chaste while sleeping in the same bed for two months.

Michael puts their plates on the kitchen table and sits down. “Yes,” he tells Alex, watching him put on clothes through the open door of their bedroom. “But you got up far too early again, so no morning sex for you.”

“We could go back to bed,” Alex offers.

“Maybe later,” Michael says. He takes a deep breath. “I, uh, I want to talk to you about something.”

He should have waited until Alex was here with him, because Alex visibly tenses in the middle of putting on socks, sitting on the bed. “What is it?” Alex asks cautiously.

“Over breakfast. Finish what you're doing first.”

But it's certainly a mood killer. Alex slips on his pants as fast a he can, and comes out of the bedroom barefoot, even though Michael knows he hates walking directly on his prosthesis.

“Tell me,” he demands, sitting down across from Michael. He doesn't even look at the food.

“You're still having nightmares,” Michael says.

Alex closes off immediately. Michael knew this conversation wouldn't be smooth, but he really hoped to avoid an all-out fight. “I'm not criticizing you or complaining,” he clarifies. “On the contrary. But I'm worried.”

Once again, it's the wrong thing to say. Alex grits his teeth looks away, staring through the window. “I'm sorry for waking you up,” he says.

“No, no, this isn't about that. I want to help, Alex. I want to wake up for you. I want to hold you and comfort you. I just want you to talk to me.”

Alex works his jaw for a moment. His eyes dart around−Michael clocks the brief stop on the fridge, where Alex has pinned up his therapist's anxiety checklist−and he takes a breath. “Okay,” he says. “But I don't think I can do it right now.” He pauses and licks his lips. “I need to think about it, and I need to be more rested so I don't get automatically defensive.”

Michael feels a rush of pride at Alex, clearly communicating his needs instead of clamming up, so strong that he nearly tears up. It's the hard work in therapy paying up. “I'll be there when you're ready,” he says.

Alex manages a small smile. “Thank you.”

*

Michael purposefully gives Alex some space all morning, by fixing the leaking gutter on his own. It's done faster than he counted on, so he goes ahead and cleans the whole gutter at well, going around the house with his ladder. He can't use his powers here, not more than a touch of them when he feels the ladder move under him, so he does everything by hand. It feels good, keeps him from worrying about the conversation to come.

It's almost lunch time when he finishes. He carefully puts his ladder and his tools away−a concession to Alex's tidiness, because Michael is more of an organized-chaos kind of person. As he goes to wash his hands in the bathroom, he expects to find Alex either at his desk or at the piano with his headphones on, but he's not there. Instead, his laptop is gone. Michael frowns and dries his hands.

The bedroom door is ajar, and sure enough, Alex is on the bed, his laptop beside him. Only he's not using it. Alex is curled up on his side, his head on his arm, like sleep came over him suddenly. His leg is in its usual spot by his nightstand, but he hasn't bothered to pin his pant leg up, so he didn't expect to stay without for long. One earbud is still in his right ear, while the other has fallen on the bed. Michael's heart melts at how adorable Alex looks in his sleep.

“'chael?” Alex asks, stirring. Of course. Michael has yet to manage to sneak up on him, whether Alex is awake or not.

“I'm here,” Michael says. “Want some lunch?”

Alex sits up and rubs at his eyes. “Um, sure. Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“You needed it,” Michael smiles. Alex yawns and nods, still looking embarrassed. “Want to cuddle for a bit before I start cooking?”

Alex tilts his head and gives him a small nod, looking strangely vulnerable. Michael kicks off his shoes−he really should have done that at the door−and lies down beside him, setting the laptop aside. Alex snuggles closer and sighs.

“I get scared of falling asleep,” he murmurs. “The nightmares, they just won't stop.”

“Do you want to tell me what's in them?” Michael asks.

“It's not always the same thing. I have plenty of trauma to fuel them. Usually explosions. Sometimes my father. Sometimes you.”

“Me?” Michael frowns. Something like dread settles in his stomach.

“Usually you dying, in Caulfield. I never get you out in time. I'd almost...I'd almost gotten rid of the nightmares, before we went there. Not completely, but they weren't as bad anymore, I knew what to do with them. I don't know if it's the explosion that triggered them, or nearly losing you, or−” he trails off, lost.

Michael closes his eyes in dismay.

“I know you have nightmares of it too,” Alex says. “You lost so much that day. I keep thinking that I made a rookie mistake, going there without proper recon, and it cost you so much.”

“Alex, it wasn't your fault!” Michael exclaims, horrified. He had no idea Alex even felt that way.

“I didn't want to burden you with my guilt,” Alex sighs, as if he hasn't even heard him. “You have enough on your shoulder, and it's selfish of me. But...in the other dreams, you decide that you've had enough of me, or you blame me for my family, or−you leave, every time. And then you die, and it's always because of me.” Alex presses his face against his pillow, a few tears escaping his eyes.

“I didn't want you to know,” he continues. “I guess my brain is just...waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to realize that I'm not worth it.”

“Alex, look at me.” Michael gently slips a hand on Alex's shoulder and squeezes. “I will never think that. Maybe we'll fight, probably, it might get rocky at times, but I will never thing you're not worth it. I didn't once, in the ten years you were gone. Why would I start now?”

“Because I think I'm not worth it?” Alex offers.

“Well you're wrong. I'm here to stay, okay? You are worth everything to me.”

Michael's hand hasn't left Alex shoulder. Alex makes a little sound, midway between a sob and a whimper, and brings their forehead together. “I love you,” he murmurs. “I want to be the person you deserve.”

“You already are. You're already far more than I deserve, Alex. All I want is you, okay. You, as you are. Not some perfect, dream version, you.”

“Okay,” Alex murmurs. “I want you, too. Just you.”

“Will you let me hold you, next time you have a nightmare?” Michael asks, pushing a little because it feels right. “Show you that I'm not going anywhere?”

Alex swallows. “I'll try,” he says. “It's not…sometimes touch doesn't feel right, when it's bad. But I'll try.”

“I don't have to touch you. Just let me be there for you.”

“Okay,” Alex whispers.

Michael runs a finger down Alex's face, slowly. He thinks about getting up to cook, but he feels exhausted. Emotional conversations take a lot out of him. So he doesn't move, cuddling with Alex like he dreamed for ten years he'd get to do one day. He's not going anywhere.

He has everything he wants right here.

[gallagherwitt]

Hey, writer folks, let's talk editing for a minute.

Lately I've seen some posts by a number of writers concerned about the editing process. In particular, what happens when your editor starts trampling your voice? Or when they start changing things that are clearly a matter of taste, not structural or grammatical issues? Or when their comments are rude or condescending? Or when you don't even recognize your own book anymore, and not in a good way?

Basically, what happens when you get your manuscript back from your editor, and you get that sick feeling in your stomach like "This is ruined"?

First, right off the bat, without even getting into whether the editor is right or wrong, it's a perfectly natural and acceptable reaction when you have some hardcore edits that involve massive revisions. This is especially true early in your career, but trust me, it doesn't magically go away. It's tough on the ego to see that manuscript you worked so hard on come back slathered in red. It's demoralizing. And it's okay if you feel that way!

You know what I do when I get a set of edits? I go through it one time and let my inner toddler go nuts. I mentally flail and push back and holler and roll my eyes and "oh my GOD that is BULLSHIT" and I eat a cookie. Then I put the manuscript aside. The next day, I take a deep breath and go through it again, and more often than not -- especially now that I'm mostly indie and I hire editors who I mesh with -- the comments and changes aren't so bad after all. So I 100% give you permission to do that if getting it out of your system helps.

THAT BEING SAID.

The inner toddler isn't always wrong. When I read through it the second time, if my eyebrows keep climbing until they touch my hairline, it's possible that something is amiss here besides my ego needing a nap.

So what happens when you and your editor disagree? How do you know if the problem is the editor or the manuscript? And how do you handle it? Well, that can be tough, and the answer usually comes down to communication.

But let me say this upfront: it's not just you. After 11 years in print, I'm creeping up on 200 titles in my catalogue. I have, shall we say, extensive experience with editors, and it hasn't always been good.

With one publisher, I had to hire a copy editor on my own to go through and undo all the errors *their* copy editor inserted, not to mention fix all the ones they'd missed.  That's a pretty objective problem.  If your editor is missing mistakes or ADDING mistakes, then you need a new editor. Period. Do NOT be afraid to go to your senior editor (or your agent), tell them what the problem is, and request someone new. If the problem isn't resolved or you're told "this editor does a perfectly good job," then consider that a sign that you and the publisher have differing standards on quality. You might have to grit your teeth through the process on your currently contracted book(s) (that's why I hired an outside editor for mine), but consider not submitting to that publisher in the future. If you're an indie author who hired your own editor, you can fortunately choose not to use them again.

Sometimes it's a personality clash or a difference in taste or style. Maybe the editor's method of communicating rubs you the wrong way. I had an editor who thought that since I'm fairly sarcastic with a dry sense of humor most of the time, that would be an effective way of communicating via comments in a manuscript.

Spoiler: it was not. I have a thick skin when it comes to writing, but if I feel like my editor is making fun of me, talking down to me, or yelling at me, I shut down. I can't work like that. Solution: ask the editor to do things differently or ask for another editor. DO NOT grin and bear it if your editor is communicating in a way that's hurtful or counterproductive. You're equal partners here, and you have a right to be treated with respect. It's okay to say so if you feel that's not happening.

I also had an editor who did line edits by making the change they wanted to see rather than putting in a comment about how and why they thought it should change. I really liked that because in comparing my original to the tracked change, I could see what they were getting at, and even if I didn't accept their change in its entirety, it was a good way to communicate the issue to me. For us, it worked really well.

But that approach had the opposite effect on another author, who felt like the editor was stomping on their voice and just changing things willy nilly.  Neither of us was wrong, it was just different people responding to different means of communication. In that instance, simply approach the editor, explain why you would prefer they made comments instead of changes, and see what happens. If they're willing to do so, great! If not, you and the editor might not be compatible. That doesn't make you a diva or them a bad editor, it just means you're not a good match. That's okay!

Also, if they've made a suggestion or recommended a change, and you disagree with it or don't understand it, sometimes just typing out your concerns in an email or a reply to their comment can resolve it. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of explaining to an editor why I wanted to keep something the way it was, and I talked myself right into a solution to their comment that I was happy with. The solution wasn't always what they'd initially recommended, but the result was that the problem they'd pointed out was fixed.

Which is another thing to keep in mind: if your editor suggests you do X to fix a problem, but you don't like X, think about WHY they want you to do it. What is X fixing? One of my editors told me "There isn't enough tension in this scene, so I recommend cutting it by 10% to tighten it up." I tried. Lord, I tried. But there was no way I could cut anything without losing vital information. So I revisited the comment. The problem wasn't that it needed to lose 10%. The problem was there wasn't enough tension. In the end, I ratcheted up the tension....by *adding* 10%.

So sometimes it's just a matter of stepping back and asking yourself, is this editor stomping all over your voice and tearing apart your work in a way you disagree with? Or is it a difference in communication style? Are they trying to hijack my book? Or does their suggestion illustrate a problem which I can fix in a way that is more satisfying to me and more in line with my story?

Also, a lot of writers have come of age hearing that you toe the line and do what your editor tells you to, or else you'll get blacklisted for being difficult. And to some extent, sure, you CAN cultivate a reputation for being an unreasonable diva, but there is an enormous gap between diva status and being a professional asking to be treated accordingly. If you feel your editor is being rude or they're hurting your story, say so. If you think there's a lapse in communication somewhere, say so.

If you don't understand something, ask. When my current editor makes suggestions for significant changes, it's not unusual at all for me to email her first and say "I'm thinking of doing X, Y, and Z to fix A, B, and C. What do you think?" Or "You suggested A, B, and C, but I think if I do X, Y, and Z it'll work better because... What do you think?" And we'll go back and forth a little before I ever touch the manuscript. It works beautifully, and I'm always confident going into the edits that I understand what the issues are and how to fix them. You're not alone when you're editing! Your editor is there to help you and to work with you, and if they won't do that, they're not doing their job!

Seeing a pattern here? Communication is crucial. If you aren't comfortable with something, or you don't understand something, or the way the editor is communicating isn't working for you, it's okay to speak up. It goes without saying that you need to be professional about it, but don't buy into the idea that for authors, "being professional" means gritting your teeth and taking whatever your editor shells out.

And yes, if you absolutely cannot work with an editor -- if just thinking about looking at that manuscript spikes your anxiety like a tornado siren just went off because the comments are rude, the changes are uncalled for, or something is just OFF -- it is acceptable to say "This author-editor relationship isn't working for me."

Yes, you can break up with your editor.

Obviously that's easiest for indie authors. We just...don't hire that editor again. With publishers, it's a little more complicated, but it CAN be done!

In just over a decade, there has been one occasion where I stopped midway through the edits, emailed the senior editor, and said "I'm not working with this person anymore. I want a new editor." This came after a round of edits left me so emotionally wrung out and beaten down that I was literally in tears over it, and if you know me, you know that says A LOT. The first draft of my email basically said "You know what? This book is obviously garbage. Let's just cancel it." I felt that bad about the whole thing. But after talking to some industry friends, I pulled myself together, realized the book was not the problem, and I sent a firmly-worded but still professional email to my senior editor.

You know what happened? I got a new editor. We scrapped the existing edits, started over, and it was like night and day. The edits were still intense, but they were reasonable, and instead of feeling like I was being told to nuke the book from orbit and start over, I felt like I was course correcting. In the end, readers loved the book, and I continued working with that editor for a long time because we meshed so flawlessly.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, and you're not sure if it's just you, run it by some trusted writer buddies. Ask some long-published veteran authors. It's okay to say "Something about this doesn't feel right -- what do you think?"

Don't suffer in silence! Get feedback from a third party. Talk to your editor. Talk to your senior editor or your agent if you have them. It could be just a simple miscommunication. It could be that you and this editor aren't compatible. But if no one knows you're struggling, they can't help.

And honestly, if there's one thing I've learned in working with literally dozens of editors over the years, it's that most of them genuinely do want you to succeed, and they want you to be happy with your book. If they do, they'll also meet you in the middle and try to make the whole process work for both of you. If they don't, well, then that's somebody you probably don't want to work with again if you can help it.

To recap:

Talk to your editor if you have concerns or if something isn't working.

Talk to your senior editor or agent (if you have them) if you think a new editor would be the best solution.

If you're truly unhappy with an editor, you might be stuck with them for the duration of one book or series, depending on your contract, but beyond contractual obligations, it's okay to choose not to work with them again. (And if it's really not a good situation, push for a different editor.)

 If an author and editor disagree, the author is not wrong by default. Neither is the editor.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Remember that you are colleagues, and you should expect to be treated accordingly.

Sometimes calmly explaining to your editor why you disagree with or don't understand their comment can lead your thought process right to the solution.

It's YOUR book. In the end, YOU should be happy with it. Your editor should be on your side.

 You are not obligated to correct a problem in the manner your editor suggested. Most problems have multiple possible solutions!

It's totally okay to email your editor and ask for clarification, bounce ideas off them for solutions, etc.

So go forth and bravely tackle those edits, but communicate like whoa and trust your gut if something doesn't feel right!

[kendrixtermina]

Ferdinand and Hubert - A case study in Comparisons and Contrasts

So they don’t get along at all before the time skip, but afterwards, their A support opens with them sharing hot beverages together with all the chill in the world - how did that happen?

In this Essay, I will -

C

So even at the most simple surface-level one sees why those two would clash at once. Right away, Ferdinand’s always trying to one-up Edelgard, and Hubert is her loyal underling.

But it goes much deeper than just their opinion of Edelgard - in many ways, they are very different men.  Ferdinand starts out with an oblivious naivety that later morphs into more well-founded optimism, Hubert, meanwhile, is cynical and jaded and very serious despite his relative youth. Ferdie’s extravagant, attention grabbing and expressive (though as evidence in his support with caspar and his comments re: Dimitri, he values collectedness and restraint to an extent) and enjoys the finer things of life,  whereas Hubert is dispassionate, spartan, humble and not much for material comforts.  Ferdinand’s worrying about wether he’ll be able to make a name for himself; Hubert’s quite content to work from behind the scenes.

B

Because of those differences, they completely misunderstand each other upon first contact, but that disdain is also linked to their values and virtues, and this is where they can learn from each other.

As at this point it’s still open wether Ferdinand will side with Edelgard & Hubert or turn against them, the B support end on a semi hostile note, but by the end of it they’ve learned that the other is nothing like their initial misconception.

In his C support with Edelgard Hubert mentions that he views a lot of his fellow nobles as spoiled, corrupt and inconsequential. The empire is full of corrupt, arrogant greedy bastards who think of nothing but themselves and live in excess and Hubert finds those pretty disgusting, which is why he’s on board with Edelgard’s plan to get rid of corruption and establish a meritocracy.  He calls people he doesn’t like “degenerates” or “inconsequential” which gives us an indication of what he finds contemptible.

Since he talks a lot about his noble obligations and seems to vye for attention, Hubert’s first impression of Ferdinand is that he’s one of those - greedy arrogant and obsessed with the superficial/ his own ego, just like his father.

But Ferdinand isn’t actually like that. He may have naively repeated some of the arrogant things his father taught him, but he’s well aware that his old man is greedy and corrupt, and as per his goddess tower event, was thinking to depose him himself if Edelgard hadn’t beaten him to it.  He’s not just talking the talk - he’s determined to also walk the walk and live up to the hype, to actually be elite and live up to the obligations of his title. He’s not trying to backstab Edelgard or put her down, rather he thinks he’ll make a pretty useless prime minister if he can’t keep up with her or offer useful feedback, which includes constructive criticism and balancing her out

And they do indeed end up having plenty of constructive debate if he sticks with her, resulting for example in Ferdinand’s education plan. As far as Edelgard is concerned, Hubert’s useful to her because he’s likeminded, and Ferdinand’s useful because he thinks differently - being a traditionalist and, as we learn in his Marianne support, a believer, and also an optimist and good communicator. to the Black Eagle Strike force what Togusa is to Section Nine.   But this could only happen after the holy tomb scene, when Edelgard and Hubert know that they can trust him - had they involved him earlier he might’ve warned them against, well, making themselves look guilty. But they have good reasons for not being trusting given their formative experiences...

Likewise, Ferdinand, who constantly tries to better himself and prides himself of being independent-minded doesn’t like Hubert at first because he believes him to be a lackey without a mind of his own. But that’s not the case either. He follows Edelgard out of conviction, (a shared dream, as dorothea puts it) not blind obedience. They are very like-minded, seeing as they are both unsentimental, nontraditional, reason-driven and none too fond of organized religion, he’s on board with her cause and in awe of her as a leader - but since it’s both their cause that he also wants, he sometimes has different ideas on what’s the best way to accomplish it. Their views subtly differ on a couple of fronts - She prefers more direct tactics and would probably find more appeal in ordinary things if she felt she had the liberty; Both are curious but it’s a stronger force for her. He’s markedly more cautious and less merciful than Edelgard, and harsher in his condemnation of the faith. They both expect Byleth to betray them but where Edelgard is wistful about it Hubert’s suspicious af. They probably give each other plenty of cause for worry.

(Unlike Dedue, who says to Felix that he’ll do whatever if Dimitri commands it, even if he is at times clearly uncomfortable - though of course to be fair to him, this is basically his coping mechanism after his family was killed, and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t admire Dimitri as a person or believe he’ll be a good leader who will bring equality for his people; They’d very much like to just be nornal friends, but feel they can’t with the world as it is. )

So Ferdinand certainly sees that once he notices that Hubert interprets his orders rather liberally at times; It’s not that Hubert never disagrees with Edelgard, it’s that he just acts at his own discretion rather than debate because he thinks she’s got enough responsibilities to worry about, and that it’s insignificant details after all (he also discusses this is further detail with Shamir) - He doesn’t mind being the fall guy, because she’s the one who’s the princess and thus has a reputation to maintain. Ppl think he’s scary anyway, and while he has a tad of a complex about it he’s mostly accepted it and made it work for him - after all, Edelgard knows he’s trustworthy. And wouldn’t leave things to his discretion of their visions diverged that much.

But Ferdinand can’t quite approve of that either, because disagreeing and essentially going behind someone’s back are two pairs of shoes - As far as he’s concerned the point of debate is not simply to disagree but to refine ideas by working on them together. He admits that sometimes he talks with Edelgard and finds out that he was wrong.

But they find a commonality here which is that though they may not look it both are actually appreciative of other people’s viewpoints and virtues. Hubert actually brings up the other Black Eagles’ good qualities quite a bit in his supports, for all that he also plays the taskmaster, and Ferdinand generally takes constructive criticism like a pro. Whenever someone reacts negatively to him, he doesn’t get butthurt but generally goes extraordinary lenghts to prove himself (Marianne, Mercedes, Dorothea and Bernadetta being good examples)

On a related note they also both value objectivity and composure, something that comes up in their A support.

So once the Holy tomb scene happens and they decide to start trusting each other, the foundation is laid for them to learn from each other.  

A

But let’s take a step back at look at how the two came to be how and where they are, at the core of what motivates them.

Because while they reacted somewhat differently to it, when you get down to it, they come from the same situation and want the same things.

What they want is to do something significant and meaningful with their lives. And their situation is -  they learned early that the world in which they’re looking to find meaning and significance is full of fakery and rottenness, chiefly because their fathers are crooks.

With Ferdinand it’s pretty apparent that he wants to amount to something with how he always pushed himself to be extraordinary and virtuous. Here and there he gets some lines about going down in legend but it’s more than just wanting fame - on memorable occasion is the Marianne support where he says that he believes that all people are here for a purpose and people should look for something only they can do. And if you marry him (to Byleth)? Well first it’s the cutest thing ever, he gets the gaudiest wedding ring and flat out faints from happiness. So cute. But most tellingly, later on in his support chain with Byleth we find out that he seriously worries about wether anything will remain of him and his efforts will amount to anything in the grand sheme of things.

Hubert is subtler, but when Edelgard has this little moment of feeling sorry that she dragged him into this/ worrying that she may have kept him from the normal life he might otherwise have had, he tells her that he’s in fact grateful that she gave him the chance to actually do something meaningful with his life instead of being yet another spoiled brat - he also says something similar to Dorothea. He’s simply the sort of person who likes to be part of something greater than himself - As he tells Byleth in their A support, humans have short lives, and that's part of what makes them aspire to greatness and try to effect meaningful changes in their lifetimes, though by that point he’s less pessimistic than during his academy days and says that if he hadn’t run into Edelgard he might’ve found some other meaningful thing to do with himself, like for example work with Byleth, whose heroic charisma he wasn’t entirely immune to in the end.

Though not at all a merciful man, he’s not without standards - He disdains corruption, is the sort of non-believer who just couldn’t get past the problem of evil and at one point tells Linhard that they couldn’t be friends if he [Linny] truly were as apathetic as he claimed to be.

From how he brings up his family’s tradition in a semi-proud way sometimes, one upon a time, that might’ve been where he found that sense of purpose. Being part of a 1000 year legacy sounds cool. But then his father would one day backstab the same people that he once told Hubert to protect with his life - and though I can#t imagine that his natural disposition was ever too enthusiastic or cheery, this is probably the moment where he realized that a lot of this talk about “the empire’s illustrious history” was just that, talk. That it’s all fake. Self-serving lip-service. When he goes chasing after Arundel and Edelgard in accordance to what he’s been told, his dad unceremoniously collects him.  This was probably a formative experience that contributed to his irreverent, cynical and unsentimental outlook - a catalyst in his coming to the conclusion that it’s all fake, and that most of his peers are spoiled, rotten, decadent and pointless.  

Then one day, Edelgard appears before him again and tells him she wants to tear down that rotten world they live in, that he, perhaps, resigned himself to living in, and from that moment he was all in and never looked back

Ferdinand meanwhile had a different response to all the fakery and corruption in the world (and in Adrestia in particular) - If others were fake then he was going to be the real thing. Instead of declaring the whole thing bullshit because he eventually noticed that his father wasn’t all that great, he decided that he was actually going to live up to the ideal to live up to and be worthy of the hype.

His dad clearly tried to raise him with an elbow mentality and probably even told him that he must beat the princess and make her his bitch, but it all bounced his inherent goodness like teflon. He wasn’t satisfied just going around claiming that he’s great, but wanted to actually be great and maybe he felt some pressure to archieve there but he never was the slightest bit mean or petty or even truly arrogant toward anyone. naive or insensitive perhaps but he never put anyone down, he’s earnest and pure to a fault. I must stress that he faints from happiness if you propose to him and buys you the gaudiest ring ever. Also seems to have been a total romantic in his other paired endings, what. a. cute. He must take after his mother, clearly.

Somewhere the other end of the “My father is a crook” reaction spectrum you find Lorenz. Unlike Ferdinand who’s just a bit naive but deeply and fundamentally good, Lorenz had a bit more genuine arrogance, immaturity and callousness going on, at least early on, and he’s a lot more self-interested though he was always ultimately virtuous, political-minded and motivated by caution. Lorenz too knows his father’s a crook, or at least ‘respectfully disagrees with him’, but at the same time you can tell that as far as he’s concerned that’s still his father. He’s clearly happy to get his approval when he’s trusted with the family relic, and tries to protect him, be it by fighting in his stead, propositioning Edelgard for mercy if he’s recruited to the empire... though in the GD route he will conveniently “forget” to tell the old man about Claude’s plan once he starts believing that Claude will win, he’s got no illusions about his competence.

Hubert of course is on the other extreme, the man was pretty much dead to him the moment he turned traitor and it’s heavily implied that he ordered that he ordered the hit on his father at his own discretion (everyone else, including the Prime minister who was the main culprit, is just jailed. Actually very civilized of Edelgard, didn’t expect that in a medieval setting. Yet Hubert’s father is the one who gets the axe, which i take to mean that he did this on his own account.  - because if Edelgard was gonna kill just one it woul’ve been the one she hated the most. That seems like she left it up to Hubert and he was like “LESS mercy please!”, or like he made sure the guy was dead before she could argue) When Hanneman presents him with the idea that ‘ol Vertra senior might’ve had redeeming qualities or mitigating circumstances, Hubert would hear nothing of it. The hate’s transparently personal and his disgust at the sheer treason outweighs everything else.  He sure does loathe a traitor.

Ferdinand’s somewhere in between - he was meaning to actively remove his dad and sorta steeling himself for it and once he’d deposed he acknowledges that he has it coming, but he can’t help but find the punishment a bit harsh after ‘all his father’s hard work for the empire’  (that’s also because he doesn’t know just HOW evil his dad was) - if you have both Lysithea and Ferdinand in your party you get this paralogue in which the PM tries to escape but gets killed by revolting peasants, and though he acknowledges that the bastard deserved it, Ferdinand still cries when he hears the news, and with him in that state, Lysithea can’t bring herself to tell him about the human experimentation either (in part because she knows Arundel to have been the real mastermind) It seems that no matter what faction he winds up in, it’s a constant of the universe that no one can quite bring themselves to break Ferdie’s heart.

Many of the other Black Eagles might’ve been a bit annoyed at him early on but after the timeskip? No one wants to burst his bubble. See also that sad, sad line you get from Dorothea if you recruit her but not him and end up offing him. To think that they started out so antagonistic. Actually, it says a whole lot about Edelgard that she always treated him normally. Like that’s how you know that she really believes in judging people by their own merits.

Ironically Edelgard actually has an evil parent of her own, and Dimitri also decides not to tell her, though this isn’t quite the same because Edelgard never knew Patricia, wasn’t raised by her and never looked up to her, and everything regarding her is super ambiguous anyways On the one hand Dimitri might’ve considered it a low blow to tell her upsetting news right when they were about to fight - on the other hand maybe bringing it up would’ve diverted the conversation in a more fruitful direction...

A+

So given that they’re both actually receptive to constructive input and ultimately out to archieve meaningful things, it’s not so strange that they’d end up amicably sharing hot beverages once the initial misunderstandings were out of the way and they’d somewhat come to value each other’s viewpoints, even if some token hilarious banter remained to the end, because of course it did. The right and left hands of the emperor, since Byleth is, of course, her wings.

As a sidenote,

Though I like most of them, I feel like a bunch of the A supports were a bit of a wasted opportunity/ too concerned with either concluding the previous gimmick/ subplot or pairing the characters up when they could’ve shed a light on the character’s evolution during the timeskip- They’re good scenes, but maybe it would’ve been better to keep the old system where you have an extra rank (S) for the pairup esp. since they knew the timeskip would be happening so we could have a solid scene of them interacting post timeskip that isn’t immediately pairing them up - But the Ferdiand/ Hubert one is a good example of this being done right with how abruptly the support chains it goes from antagonistic to chill - it actually feels like five years have passed.

Many of the Dimitri ones also avert this since his character is so changed, and the Claude/Lorenz one another good example that has a lot going on in it, not only has their previous antagonism largely evaporated but Lorenz has matured, Claude realized that he’s not so bad, and Claude himself is no longer trying to establish himself to seize the Alliance, but in fact getting ready to pack his bags and leave once his work is done.

[greyliliy]

Rise of Skywalker

I have finally seen Rise of Skywalker. Overall? I liked it.

As a Stand Alone Movie: It was awesome. The characters all had amazing chemistry (I’ve never been more attached to the Rey-Finn-Poe trio), it’s visually stunning (even in scenes that were kinda “what” in hindsight), and even though they added a bunch of new stuff that feels like it came out of nowhere, they set it up well enough that when it came back in the finale it was pretty awesome (the lightsaber hand off).

As A Movie With the Rest of the Franchise: I have...some issues. With some things. Not enough to kill my enjoyment of the film, but definitely things I will be 100% ignoring in fanfic. :D

But that’s enough of that. My thoughts of the good & bad are below and full of spoilers. Enjoy it below the cut. :D

I’m going to talk about the bad first so I can end on a positive note. Like. I enjoyed the film. I want that to be clear. There was even stuff where I disliked the decisions they made, but if they were going to go in that direction, the stuff they gave us was pretty rad.

But first, the stuff that bugged me. :D

Rose Got Sidelined

Look, I liked the new ex-Stormtrooper girl that Finn bonded with, but Rose was really important to him in the last film and in this one....she just kinda got grounded and forgotten. I guess I should be glad she was there at all, but still. 

As a hardcore FinnRey shipper--I was upset she was forgotten.

Finn’s Words to Rey

They referenced “Finn wanted to tell Rey something” multiple times and we DIDN’T GET TO HEAR HIM SAY IT.

I’m kinda ticked about it.

Hux’s Death

When I first heard about Hux being the mole/spy I was like “The guy who built Starkiller.” I was really confused how a guy like Hux could have been Resistance the entire time, but then I found out a second spoiler that it was a last minute change because he was being petty.

Which I loved.

And then they killed him like two seconds later and brushed past him like nothing happened.

Look. I know I’m a Kylux shipper so I’m a little more invested in Hux than most, but in canon him & Kylo Ren are rivals. They hate each other. Hux is a tactical genius He’s smart. Kylo Ren keeps him around because they’ve been working together forever and he’s valuable. (For goodness sake, there’s a spin off comic adventure where Kylo Ren saves Hux’s life multiple times. They’re like siblings that hate each other but know that the other dying in the one run would be bad).

I’m not asking for Hux to survive the movie. I’m asking for Kylo to acknowledge he died.

But it would have been better if Hux died while sabotaging something. Like. Keep that asshole in the background breaking shit the entire movie. SOMETHING.

Convenience

This movie has a lot of beats where stuff just...happened in their favor. I mean, it’s mostly for time’s sake, but everything they needed appeared when they needed it. It was very “Here’s a problem.” wait two seconds. “Fixed it!” and then move on.

It’s not a deal breaker, but I did start to notice it.

And I’ll tack on the new force powers too: Rey’s healing and her and Kylo’s connection that was strong enough to transport physical objects. I mean, it set up a cool moment later, but it was like “When did they learn to do that?”

Sheev Palpatine

This entire plot feels like it came out of freaking nowhere. They did some cool stuff with it, but I can’t help but feel just flat out Rey vs Supreme Leader Kylo could have made for a great arc.

The Knights of Ren

They arrived! I was upset they weren’t in the last film and now that they’ve arrived...they did nothing. They stood around looking menacing and then Kylo killed them. Joy.

They were sort of a disappointment, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Kylo Ren did NOT need to Die.

There was no reason for Rey to die after beating Palpatine. None. Zip. She won. Rey losing all of her energy and dying was pointless. That didn’t need to happen.

If you wanted her to be weak so Kylo/Ben/Whatever could come over and share some energy to help her out so you can get that kiss scene? Fine.

But don’t kill BEN SOLO afterwards.

His mom forgave him.

His dad forgave him.

REY FORGAVE HIM.

Let the boy live and do better. Sometimes a deathbed redemption is great, but you do not spend an entire movie talking about how they were a Dyad in the Force only to kill one of them off leaving Rey as a solo (psh, hah) act again.

*throw hands up* They should have both lived. Happy ending. I wanted one.

OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT.

Let’s talk about the good stuff.

Finn

Lord I love Finn. I’ve liked him since the first film, but he is easily one of my favorite characters. And he got to do great things in this movie.

My particular favorite was him sassing Poe the entire film. “So how long have you been able to do that?” and “You did not.” being my favorite two.

He’s a voice of reason in that little group and I appreciate him.

Palpatine

The lightning thing he did at the end to attack all the ships was pretty rad. Kinda dumb in a “how long as he been able to do that” way, but it looked awesome.

Rey beating Palpatine

That fight was rad and I don’t care what anyone says. Rey beating Palpatine with both Luke and Leia’s sabers was awesome.

“They’re not using speeders.”

I loved that. XD

C-3P0

I have always loved this dorky droid the most out of the main droids and I continue to do so. He had great scenes in this film and I love him.

Han and Ben’s Talk

Ug. That was good. I’ve been waiting for Han to talk with Kylo since he died. *holds them* I don’t even care that was the moment that got rid of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. T-T

Kylo Ren’s Lightsaber

I love that stupid thing. It’s feral. It growls. It’s beautiful. I’ve loved it in every single movie and watching it get thrown into the water killed me. But I had it for a little bit. *holds hand out* That’s what matters.

Rey vs Kylo

Dude. DUDE. Their fights were epic. Their fight were Rey was in the ship and Kylo was on the ground was phenomenal. I loved how it depicted their connection. I loved the transitions between scenes. The dialogue. The just everything.

Every time they clashed I was loving this movie. Their Force fight over the shuttle (Rey with Lightning!!!), or their fight in the old Deathstar ruins, or just their mental chats--it was all good.

Heck, I even forgave the whole object transference thing they had going on when she dropped a saber to him during the final fight.

Rey and Kylo had some awesome scenes and chemistry and fights this entire film and it was just great.

And That’s It

I’m sure I’ll think of other things, but a lot of things were nitpicks that didn’t really matter (Like Poe being made general did not make sense, but it’s not the end of the world or them making us believe Chewy was dead only to bring him right back, etc.).

Or stuff I can’t think of at the moment. Lol.

Overall I enjoyed it. Fun movie. Not perfect, but most things aren’t.

(And fanfic exists, so I can have the best of canon and What Ifs :P)

[kindaangelic]

All in One

For Batfamweek 2018 Day 4: AU

Universe A

Alternate timelines were such a bitch to navigate. Damian mentally chastized himself for cussing, even in the privacy of his own head. He was becoming more like crass, boorish, Todd every day.

Damian plodded up to the Wayne Manor in this timeline, and fervently hoped that he existed in this timeline. He rang the doorbell and waited with bated breath as the door cracked open to reveal...

“Father,” Damian sighed with relief.

Bruce’s eyebrow hiked up his forehead. “...Damian. Unless you’ve managed to clone yourself, then I suggest that you explain this.”

“Universe clash,” Damian said. “Can I come in?”

The man Damian had dubbed Bruce-A stepped aside to let his tiny alternate-son stomp through. As soon as he entered the house, Damian saw his entire family, and for once, he was glad to see them. They all looked up with varying reactions.

His alternate brother, Dick-A, rather predictably, squealed and ran to hug the new Dami. Damian was yanked over to the couch so that Dick-A could now cuddle both Damians to maximize his Love efficiency. “Hello Grayson,” Damian said amicably. Dick-A’s greeting was lost in the shower of butterfly kisses that he was pressing on top of Damian’s head.

“Hello Alternate self,” Damian grinned at his doppelgänger.

“And a good day to you, my counterpart,” Damian-A greeted him in return. “Tell me, do we still fight crime in your universe?”

“We do,” Damian affirmed. “We are beloved by the people, revered by our peers, and feared by our enemies. The name of Robin holds great significance across universes.”

Dick-A peered at him. “You’re Robin?” Damian nodded. “Oh. That’s strange.”

Damian’s heart sank. “I am not Robin in this universe?”

Damian-A shook his head. “No, I never was. I am Flamebird, the partner of Grayson’s Nightwing.”

Dick-A beamed. “When Damian first came to stay with us, he was having a hard time of it. We gravitated towards each other, since I know what it’s like to come from a different culture with a different way of life. He knows that he can ask questions and be himself around me.”

And I’ll love him no matter what, went unsaid. Dick-A and Damian-A smiled at each other.

“...so who is Robin?” Damian asked, dreading the answer. Not Fatgirl, please, not Fatgirl, he prayed.

“Drake,” Damian-A said, pointing out the still stringy Tim-A, who was trying to pilfer some Cheez-Its from Jason-A.

“Oh,” Damian said. That wasn’t too bad. In fact, this arrangement allowed him to work with Grayson all of the time. Just then, Damian felt a tug at his consciousness. “I think that I am about to be transported back to my universe,” he said. “Farewell, Alternate family.”

“Bye Dami, I’ll miss you,” Dick-A cooed, and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Ahem,” Dami-A coughed pointedly.

Dick-A went back to smothering his rightful Dami, and Damian had just a second to commit the scene to memory before he was flung through time and space once more.

Universe B

This was most definitely not his universe, Damian thought dourly. He was going to call this Universe-B. This time, fate had chucked him into what he had recognized as Todd’s room in the manor. He scrambled off of the floor, and was dusting himself off as the door opened to reveal the man himself, Todd-B.

Damian braved himself to battle his older and no doubt peeved brother, and was surprised to see Todd smiling at him softly. Strange. Todd only smiled like that when Grayson fretted over him, or when Drake was asleep and made little snuffling noises.

“There you are,” Jason-B said. “Come down for lunch, Alfie’s made lasagna.”

Damian could not reconcile this benign version of his brother with the roughshod familiarity of his own Todd. Therefore, he was not prepared when Todd-B reached down and picked him up and put him on his hip.

“Release me this instant!” Damian cried.

“Aw, pipe down, Dames,” Jason chuckled.

“Release me, I am not who you think I am!” Damian cried, panicking slightly.

“What do you mean you’re not-oh,” Jason-B stooped short, looking at the dining table occupied with the rest of the family and his own Damian.

“TODD! YOU JEZEBEL! How dare you place another in my rightful hip spot!” Damian-B screamed.

“Oh boy.”

***

After Damian had explained that he was here as a result of a universe displacement, and everyone had quieted down, Alfred set an extra place at the table for him and Damian sat down.

“In my universe, I am Robin,” he informed his universe-B family.

“In this universe, you’re not,” Dick-B said.

“Ah, is it Drake again?”

Dick-B smiled. “No, Timmy’s not Robin now. He’s Flamebird, my partner.” Seated besides Dick-B, Tim-B smiled.

“Then who is Robin!?” Not Fatgirl, please god, not Fatgirl!

“Cass is Robin.” Phew.

“Then what are you?” Damian asked his counterpart, “if not Robin or Flamebird?”

Jason-B cleared his throat. “Actually, you’re with me.” Damian’s eyes popped in disbelief. “Little Hoodie.”

“No one actually calls me that,” Damian-B hurried to say. “My code name is Demon Bird.”

“I chose the name,” Tim-B said proudly.

“I voted for sparrow, because you’re cute and small like one of them, Dami!” Dick-B said.

“I wanted to name you Red Cardigan, but you were all like nooo-“

“Todd, we are not having this conversation again-“

“-and Flannel Boy was a great choice too!” Jason-B went on. “Dick was totally on board with Sequin Lad, weren’t you, Dickie?”

Damian goggled at his counterpart. “You work with Todd?”

“He rescued me from the League,” Damian-B shrugged. “He brought me home and had to face his worst demons prematurely in Gotham. But he did it for me. He is a good and noble warrior.”

Damian pondered this. He wondered if his Todd would have acted similarly, had he known of Damian during his time with Talia.

However, there was no time to ponder this, as Damian felt the telltale tug of the space-time continuum. He hurriedly bid his family-B goodbye, and went tumbling into the void once more.

Universe C

This time, Damian came to in the Batcave. Perhaps in this universe, he was Batman. Damian smiled and got to his feet, eager to check out his surroundings, only to see Drake looking down at him.

“Time travel or alternate universe?” He asked succinctly.

“The latter,’ Damian grumbled.

Tim-C nodded, and then smiled. “I take it that you’re a vigilante in your universe too, then. What are you?”

“I am Robin.”

“Huh,” Tim said, surprised. “What am I, then?”

“You are called Red Robin,” Damian said, careful to not let slip anything about their sibling rivalry from his own world.

“I’m Red Robin here too,” Tim-C said.

“Then Robin is...” Could it be? Oh god-

“Duke.”

“Praise be!” Damian shouted, and threw up his hands to the heavens. “The Fates are merciful, that Fatgirl does not sully the mantle of Robin!”

Tim-C chuckled. “Steph is Batwoman here.” Damian gasped. The horror.

“And I?”

Tim-C studied Damian for a second before replying. “You’re called...Blackbird,” he said, before quietly adding, “you’re my partner.”

Damian could feel the muscles in his jaw drop. He was working with Drake? How on earth had that come to be?

“Things weren’t great at first between us,” Tim-C admitted. “Then...Bruce was...”

Killed. Thrown through time by Darksied.

“We were all in a bad place. I was convinced that Bruce was alive. Mostly, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing the man I’d just started to love as my father. It was the same with you, I suspect.

“You were the only one who trusted my word when I said that I was going to find Bruce. You helped me while I was working out what was happening. All those late nights, sifting through information and guzzling coffee together really strengthened our bond.”

“Grayson let me have coffee?” Damian asked.

“Oh no,” Tim-C smirked. “You only got warm milk with honey, because Dick wanted you to have strong bones and because you were his little bumblebee”

Damian smiled. Stupid, emotional, Grayson. “Where is everyone else?”

“They’re at work, or at school. I caught a cold, so I can’t go,” Tim-C sniffled. “It’s been kinda fun, actually. My Dames been plying me with ‘home-remedies’ that he’s been bugging his mom and grandfather for on the phone. R’as sent over Lazarus Pit water.”

Tim-C finished and stared down at Damian. Damian let the silence fall, and contemplated his life in this universe. “My Drake is...quite alright,” he said. “We did not get along at first, but now, he seems to be better with having me around.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret,” Tim-C said. “When I was growing up, I always wanted a younger sibling. A brother.”

Damian stared. “Truly?”

“Yeah. I was so psyched when you showed up. It took us a while, but I’d say we’re pretty tight now,” Tim said. “So I guess I did get what I wanted after all.”

Damian had barely a second to hug Tim-C goodbye before the portal opened up and swallowed him again, sending Damian hurtling back to his universe.

Home

The portal spat Damian out into the Batcave, where he was greeted with cheers. “He’s back!” Tim cried.

Damian registered Bruce’s voice demanding to run diagnostics, and Jason telling him to shove his diagnostics in an unspeakable place. They were both knocked aside as Dick came hurtling forward, scooping Damian up and away from the portal.

“Dami, you’re home!” Dick sobbed, dripping fat, love-saturated, tears on top of Damian’s head. “I’ll never let you go again!”

“He has to use the bathroom sometime,” Jason pointed out. “Leggo of the kid, Dick, you’re suffocating him.” Instead, Dick passed him to Jason, who spluttered, “not what I meant, idiot.” Nevertheless, Damian felt Jason’s heart pounding a mile a minute.

Huh. That was...touching.

“Todd, you are experiencing tachycardia,” Damian pointed out.

Bruce startled. “Jason! I won’t lose you again, son!” He ran forward and tugged Jason to the medical wing, despite the younger man’s protests of oh my god, Bruce, get off of me, I’m fine, stop touching!

Free of Jason’s hold, Damian took a moment to look at Tim, who had successfully closed the portal and was now passing tissues to a still emotional Dick. He snagged a tissue for himself, to dab his own streaming nose, the beginnings of yet another allergy.

“Drake.”

“Yeah?”

“Ginger and honey. With lemon.”

Tim’s shy smile filled Damian with a warmth that went to his fingertips. It was good to be home.

[logistico22]

The Union of Charity and Humility in the heart of Mary at the Incarnation: A Sermonette based on “Month of Mary” by St. Francis de Sales

There are certain things in this life which are difficult or even impossible to bring  together. For example, aso at pusa, texting and driving, at tubig at langis.

But in the event of the Incarnation, we see three things that despite their contrasting nature and characteristics, God planned  to bring  together  in Mary.

The first one  Divinity and humanity. The fusion of the eternal and temporary, perfect and imperfect, sinless and sinful – all happened in Mary’s womb.

The second is maternity and virginity. As humans, it is clear to us that when a lady bears a child, she is no longer a virgin. But in Mary,  maternity did not remove her virginity because what she bore was God-made-man.

The third and the last is charity and humility. On one hand, charity seems to be all about  love, being there  for others, helping  people in their needs. On the other hand,   humility seems to be all about a  low view of oneself.

Charity combined with  humility  when Mary said “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” (Lk. 1:38, NABRE) She clearly knew  she was an ordinary young lady who belonged to the Lord but her humility did not prevent her from being open to the great plan of God in saving the human race.

God these seemingly incompatibles to come together in Mary perhaps because in his plan everything is connected and interdependent.

The Divine nature united with our  human nature so as to accomplish the perfect sacrifice  for the forgiveness of sins accomplished by Jesus.

Maternity and virginity are combined because the Incarnate Word of God does not take away the perfect openness to God implied in virginity. 

Charity does not remove  humility even though in  helping others we may have personal agendas . Humility   reminds us  we are not  able to do things on our own  and that  this world does not   revolve around us. Humility keeps us from  seeking the approval and the likes and hearts of people but the approval of God first and foremost. But humility does not stop with not promoting  oneself but giving God   primacy in our lives. We acknowledge and bow before  God   working in our lives.

Now we realize that certain things   are different but they join  to produce something good. Coffee is different from sugar. The first is bitter while the other is sweet yet they are perfect when they go together.

I cannot but help connect tonight’s topic with our life here in the formation house. We know our differences and at times those differences would clash. That is something understandable because we all grew up in different environments, with different sets of people having  different personalities. Some are gentle, others are loud, some are reserved while the others are boisterous. But come to think that despite those differences, we are brought together  by God in this house. I sometimes wonder why God allows even totally different people to come together . Perhaps because we can learn from each other? Perhaps, differences  may  challenge our old belief system and way of doing things  or hold on to them even more strongly .

There are many other  possible reasons why God allowed us to come together. It is just for us to discover the reason as our life unfolds every day. What we need is an open heart, a reflective mind, and a strong will like Mary who allowed difficult and contrasting things occur in her heart.

Mary, help of Christians, pray for us.

Ryan Paolo C. Tulaylay  | 4th Year | 18 May 2022

[princeoftheironfist]

NONKINA ACE: CLOWN FIGHTER!! - CH.02

CHAPTER 2 - The Electric Bosozoku: Johnny Zappmoore!!

-

<<Previous Ch. Next Ch.>>

-

Characters Appearing (In Order of Appearance): Ace Nonkina, Master Jigu-Jo, Johnny Zappmoore

-

Chapter Summary: Word of Ace’s goal to become the Strongest Clown In The World has finally caught wind and has been find out by a local Bosozoku (Bike Gang Leader)!!

Johnny Zappmoore is his name, and wanting to beat Ace is his game! Will they fight? And will Ace come out on top?

-

(Real) Author’s Note: Well it took another year, but I’ve finally got a second Chapter out for one of my stories. Thank god. I may take forever to get something out, but hey, at least I’m doing something instead of nothing!

Truth be told, I actually had a lot of Ch.02 finished since earlier this year. I just never got around to putting it all together because of College and my Kinnikuman Muscle Fight review.

Will I get another Chapter out soon? Hopefully! Now that Ch.02 for Ace is finished, it’s time to work on my much neglected street racing story, PowerGEAR! But until then, Nonkina Ace Ch.02~ TAKE IT AWAY KIDD!

Oh, and one piece of advice: You’re gonna wanna zoom in because my blog has terrible fonts.

-

Author’s Note: As I wrote this Chapter and the character who’s making their debut in it, I came to a weird realization: A lot of my friends are Delinquents.

My best bro, Tabayo? Delinquent. His friends? Delinquents. Heck, even my girlfriend and inker Dot was a bit rowdy before she met me and I shouldn’t forget her sister(?) Baller.

I guess everything came full circle?

-C-Kun

----

It was a serene Saturday mid-day up in the Diamond Star Mountain range. For the last few weeks Ace Nonkina has been coming to a secluded Dojo up in the mountain, undergoing Clown-Po training with the wise yet devilishly handsome Momotaro Jigu-Jo.

Ace was finished with his training for the day but he decided to hang around to help his Sensei with some chores around the Dojo.

Walking with Jigu-Ju from a near river with some pails of water, Ace asked his teacher a question that had been lingering in his mind.

“So Jigu-Jo, I was wondering….Don’t you ever get lonely up here?”

“Hmm, sometimes I do, but I prefer the quiet~ It allows me to focus more on all the little things~ Why do you ask?”

“I dunno. Guess I was just curious…”

“Hmm…Something tells me that’s not the question you wanted to ask me. Is there something else, my pupil?”

“Well…I’ll be honest, I wished we had another student with us or more Clown-Po users in general! I enjoy sparring with you Sensei, but man, I really want to get my fight on!! You know?”

“Oh I know. I was like that when I started my Clown-Po training~ But I wouldn’t go out looking for someone to rough up. You’re strong Ace, but you’ve still got a lot of training ahead of you.”

“I know, I know….But what if some guy comes up to me and challenges me to a fight?”

“You politely decline. There’s nothing wrong with turning the other cheek.”

“Hmm…What if he has Clown-Po? Can we clash fists then?”

“...Tch, I suppose so…Otherwise no getting into random fights. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.”

--

Somewhere across town that same day, a meeting of the minds was happening at Diamond Star Technical High School, with a Gang Leader making some important announcements.

“And for our last bit of news, I got’sa big announcement for ya’ll” spoke the gang’s leader. “As you know, I make it a big point to take down any tough guy who thinks he’s the toughest around. And so far, I’ve made good on that for a while. But now some new guy popped up across town. ‘Heard he hit a speed bag so hard that it fuckin’ EXPLODED.”

“WHOA” the gang Whoa’d.

“YEAH, I KNOW…So I’ve decided that I’m gonna go transfer to his school and beat this guy into the dirt!!”

“But Boss, what about us???” a Goon cried out.

“Relax, boys. I ain’t leavin’ the gang forever, It’s not like I’m going out of state!! Look, if’n somethin’ happens and I need some extra muscle, I’ll drop ya’lls a line~ Alright?”

The gang nodded collectively and began cheering for their great leader.

“Monday can’t come any sooner~” the leader thought, as a wicked smile grew on his face.

-

The weekend passed and it was already Monday morning. Ace was walking to school today, still thinking about Jigu-Jo telling him not to get into fights.

“Man…What does he know? I’ve got great control over Clown-Po!!” Ace muttered to himself. “I mean, it’s not like all the energy that’s building up in me is exploding out or anything…”

“No…Jigu-Jo is right. If someone wants to fight me, I’ll turn them down. Even if they have Clown-Po…”

Walking by the foot of an electric tower, Ace noticed the gate door was busted open. He looked up at the tower and saw what looked to be someone sitting high up near the still live wires.

“Oh my gosh!!” Ace thought “Who’d be crazy enough to go up there?!”

“He-Hey!!! Get down from there!!!” Ace yelled, trying to get whoever it was’ attention. “You’re gonna get hurt if you stay up there any longer!!”

Just then, the mysterious person stood up and walked off the side!

Ace froze in fear, thinking he had just witnessed a suicide, but to his shock the person appeared to be grinding down the side with a large wave of sparkling electricity trailing them behind.

Midway through the sick grinding, the stranger lept off and landed in front of Ace, who was still stiff as a board.

“Well….That was…quite the spectacle” Ace said to the blond, pompadoured stranger.

Dusting himself off, the stranger stood up and stared at Ace from behind his pointy anime shades.

“Tell me fella…Is your name Ace Nonkina?”

“Uh…Y-Yeah…Do I know you from somewhere?”

“No, no ya don’t…But I know about you….”

“?”

“My name’s Johnny, Johnny Zappmoore. I’m the leader of the Diamond Star Speed Tribe…”

“Ok….”

“And I’m on a mission, a mission to prove that I’m the toughest fighter in town!!…”

The Bosozoku leader continued in his monologue, going on about toughness and being the strongest. The promise of a fight did get Ace interested, and Johnny looked to be a strong fighter, but hearing him talk on and on made him sound like that’s all he had.

“...So I’ll cut to the chase: I’m here to challenge you to a fight!! You may be strong enough to explode a speed bag, but I doubt you’re strong enough to take me down!!! So what do ya say?? You wanna throw down or what??”

“Yeah….That sounds like it could be a fun fight buuuuuuuuuuuuut…I gotta get going. Have a nice day…” Ace flatly replied, walking away from Johnny as he continued his dramatic monologue and posing.

“ALRIGHT!!! LET’S GET THIS BRAWL’A GOIN’ RIGHT N-” Johnny had turned around to where Ace was standing minutes ago. “What tha’?? H-HEY!!” Johnny yelled, turning around to face the walking Ace who stood in place as his name was called.

“Yeah?”

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING?!?”

“To…School?”

“BUT DIDN’T YA HEAR ME GOING ON AND SHIT?!”

“Oh I did, and I declined your fight. Now if you’ll excuse me…”

Running up to Ace, Johnny grabbed Ace by his shirt collar and began to give him a stern talking to.

“Listen here Cherry Coke, when a Delinquent challenges you to a fight, YOU FUCKIN’ ACCEPT IT.”

“Says who!?”

“SAYS DELINQUENT CODE!!! IT’S WHAT I LIVE BY!!”

“Oh yeah?”

“YE-ARGH!!” delivering a straight blow to Johnny’s stomach, Ace escaped Johnny’s grasp and ran off as fast as he could in a full tilt sprint. Johnny, slowly getting up from his knees, watched as Ace ran off.

“You can run Red Head…You can’t hide forever….”

--

Minutes later, Ace had arrived at school. Thankfully the first period teacher was late, so he wouldn’t be penalized for tardiness, but he did get an earful from Hall Monitor Ryosuke.

As the other students were talking amongst themselves about their weekends, Ace sat at his desk in the back of the class thinking about that Johnny guy from before.

“Man, that guy was nuts!! Who goes around just challenging people to fights?? Does that guy think he’s in a fighting comic from the 80’s or 90’s?? And are Bosozoku still a thing too?? I thought those died out in the early 2000s. Ah whatevers. I’ll probably never see him again so I shouldn’t worry~”

The classroom door had bursted open and Teacher Yamada had hurried inside.

“Oh my goodness, good morning class!” Ms. Yamada spoke. “I’m so sorry for being late! Please take your seats and open up your history books to Pg. 100 an-OH, wait! We can’t start yet! *Ahem* Everyone, we have a new student joining us today!”

Ace looked back up from his book. “Hmm?”

“They just transferred over from Diamond Star Technical High, so please give a warm welcome to your new classmate, Johnny Nakamoto Zappmoore~!! C’mon in Johnny!”

“Johnny Zappmoore?? Why do I know that name???” Ace thought with a confused look on his face. “It couldn’t be…No, no it couldn’t…That guy was a Biker, no way he’d come from a Technical School!”

The door was violently kicked open, and in walked the new student, clad in a large white sleeveless Bosozoku jacket with matching pants, large yellow and blue streaked pompadour, pointy anime shades, and knee-length metal toed boot which clanked as he walked in.

Ace took one good look and froze up, again. “OH MY FLUFFING GOSH” he screamed internally “THAT’S THE GUY FROM BEFORE!!! HOW DID HE FIND OUT WHAT SCHOOL I GO TO?!?!? SHOULD I RUN AND JUMP OUT THE WINDOW?!?! UH….M-MAYBE IF I HIDE MY FACE IN MY BOOK AND DON’T LOOK UP, HE WON’T NOTICE ME.”

Perfectly Face Book’d, Ace did his hiding.

“Oh my~ That was quite the entrance! But I’m gonna have to ask that you don’t kick the door next time…Anyways, tell us about yourself Johnny!”

“Thanks, and sorry ‘bout that! Won’t happen again! Anyways, I’m a fairly simple guy. I like bikes, and I like fightin’. That’s pretty much me~”

“Oh, ok…So, why the transfer from the Technical School?”

“Eh, it just wasn’t my style anymore. Y’know?”

“Uh…I see…Well, welcome to our class and school! Now then, let’s get class started! Hmm, are there any open seats for you? I….Oh! There’s one right next to Ace!”

“EEP!” Ace eeped, still Book Facing it super hard. Johnny looked over at this Ace, and noticing his cherry red-ish pomp brought another wicked smile on his face as he walked over to his would be opponent.

“Ohhhhh, hoohoo~ This is gonna be good~!!” Johnny smiled, sitting down next to his prey.

“Well, well, well~” whispered Johnny to a tightly Booked Face Ace “Isn’t this the mother of all coincidences~?”

“It’s the mother of something foul...” Ace muttered from his history book, still not batting an eye at Johnny.

“This is gonna be so great, man! It’s gonna be fun to get to know ya and then pummel ya~!! Hahah!!” Johnny bursted out laughing.

“Please leave me alone” Ace mumbled from behind his book, still tightly holding it close.

“Ahem” went Ms. Yamada. “I'm sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Zappmoore, but I'm trying to start class, and I don’t really appreciate your outburst….”

“Hmm? OH, I'M SUPER SORRY! It's just that me and Ace-bro here used to be classmates way back when in Elementary School an-”

“WHAT!? NO WE WE-” Ace muffled as Johnny put one arm around him, covering his mouth.”

“AND I’M JUST SO HAPPY TO BE BACK WITH MY BEST BRO!!”

“MMMPH!!! MMPH MMPH!!! (SHUT UP!! YOU'RE LYING!!)”

“Ah, I see~ Well do you think you could save your excitement for after class?”

“You got it Teach!!”

“MMMMMMMMMMMMH!!! (Unintelligible)”

“Thank you~ Now then, as I was saying…”

The class went on, and while Ace tried his best to focus on the studies at hand, Johnny kept on whispering to Ace about how they’re gonna fight and how he’s totally gonna spank Ace’s ass.

“Look dude, you know it’s gonna happen. I know it’s gonna happen~ How about you stop playing hard to get and just agree to a fight, eh?”

“Sssh.”

“Oy, ‘ya hear what I said???”

“SSSH!!!”

As the day went on, it eventually became a week. Johnny kept pestering Ace on with no end in sight, talking about their big fight. He even resorted to sliding Ace a piece of paper during class that read:

You D.T.F.? Down To Fight?

-Yes! -Hell yeah!! -FUCK YEAH!!! -LET'S GO RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!

Needless to say, Ace wasn’t phased. He simply crumpled the paper up and threw it back in Johnny’s face.

“Ah. Still undecided huh? That's cool, I understand. The thought of fightin' someone like me is probably making you nervous~!”

Eventually Johnny’s pestering lead to an outburst from Ace.

“SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FLUFFIN’ WEIRDO!!! MOVE THE FUNK ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!” Unfortunately for Ace, he yelled right in front of his Math teacher, and he didn’t take it all that well.

“.…I. Hate. Johnny.” Ace angrily muttered in the empty Detention Hall, as he gripped the end of his desk, slightly bending it in the process.

“HEY. BE QUIET” yelled Hall Monitor Ryosuke, who was tasked with watching Ace for his hour long Detention. “I HATE THAT ROWDY BOSOZOKU SCUM AS MUCH AS I DO, BUT YOU’RE HERE TO SIT AND BE QUIET.”

-

The Friday detention came to pass, and it was already Saturday morning. Ace was at Jigu-Jo’s dojo doing his regular weekly Clown-Po training, but for the lack of a better word, Jigu-Jo noticed that Ace wasn’t giving it his all like he had been these past few weeks.

-

“Ok, I think that’s enough for our warmup exercises. Let’s break for a few?”

“Yeah…Sounds good…I need to think about something…”

“About what?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just something school related.”

“I see. Homework getting you down? You know you can always come to me if you need help with anything outside of Clown-Po, right?”

“I know, I know. It’s not homework related, it’s something else…”

“And what could that be?”

“Well…There’s this Biker guy in my class and he wants to fight me, but I keep telling him ‘No way, I’m not gonna do that!’. But no matter what I say, he doesn’t get it!! He’s driving me fluffin’ nuts!!!”

“Hmm, I see…Well I commend you on not fighting him, it sounds like you took my words to heart~”

“Yeah, obviously. But what do I do to get him off my back???”

“Simple: Just keep ignoring him.”

“Really? That’s it?”

“Mmmhmm~! If you can keep this going long enough, he’ll eventually tire out. Oh ho~! I made a joke!”

“I don’t know if I can keep that up…”

“Believe me my pupil, it’ll work.”

“Man, I hope it does…”

-

The days continued, and so did Johnny’s pesterings. Nonetheless, Ace kept giving Johnny the cold shoulder. But it didn’t take long until Ace got to his boiling point again. He wanted to believe his Sensei’s advice, but he was convinced that it was all a big stinky load to keep him from fighting.

He decided that enough was enough. The next time he had the chance, he was gonna be Frank.

-

As Ace was walking back home from school, Johnny was trailing behind, endlessly asking Ace to fight him over and over. Ace tried his hardest to stay quiet, but now he knew it was time to tell him off.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, DUDE. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SUCH A COWARD!? I THOUGHT YOU ‘WANTED TO BE THE STRONGEST IN DIAMOND STAR~!’ BUT WHOOPS, YOU DON'T WANNA FIGHT ME. WHAT FUCKING GIVES, MAN?!!? WHAT. FUCKING. GIVES?!?!?”

Ace stood still, clenching his fists tightly and taking in a deep breath before turning around to face Johnny.

“Ok….You want to know why I won’t fight you?”

“YEAH, FUCKING OBVIOUSLY.”

“Alright….I’ll show you…”

Picking up a rock from the side of the road, Ace held it in his right hand, holding it right in front of Johnny’s face. With one clench of his hand, he grinded the rock to dust, letting the sand pour out from between his fingers. Johnny seemed fazed.

“That’s why….I’m stronger than you’ll ever know. I've got a special power that you don't have. A strength that only lies in a lucky few...If we fought, you'd need more than physical strength and roughness to beat me. It'd be an unfair fight that'd probably leave you crippled…”

“...”

“So if you value your life, I suggest you’d leave me alone…Good bye…” Ace spoke, as he left Johnny, walking down the path by himself.

But Johnny wasn’t phased at all.

“You ain’t the only one with powers…” Johnny muttered as he reached into his inner jacket pocket, pulling out a metal throwing needle. He growled as the needle began to sparkle with electricity, before throwing it towards Ace.

The needle whizzed by Ace’s head by inches, coming so close to piercing his left ear. Ace jumped back and saw the needle pierce a telephone pole. Unsure of what it was, he went to touch the sparking blue needle, only to be mildly zapped by it.

“YEEEEOUCH!!!” Ace cried, leaping back as he clutched his now tingling right hand “WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!”

“Cool, huh?” Johnny asked as he walked back to Ace, putting his arm around him. “I did that~ See? You ain’t the only one who’s special~”

“W-What??? No way….Oh my....gosh...Are you a Clown-Po user?!?! Oh my goodness, you are!!!”

“Clown-Po?? The fuck is that???”

“It’s a special power that only Clowns have!! And out of all the Clowns I know, I’d never suspect you to have it…”

“Clown-Po?? Man that name fuckin’ sucks!! My dad always told me it was called Delinquent Soul…Pssh, whatevers…But now that we’re both on the same page here, how about it?”

“How about what?”

“OUR FIGHT, YOU DIPSHIT.”

“Uh…Give me a moment….”

“Hmm…Jigu-Jo told me I shouldn’t get into random fights with people, even if they have Clown-Po…” Ace thought, as he weighed in whether or not he should fight Johnny. “But this guy couldn’t have any real training, so he’s probably a novice like me…”

“Well? We gonna fight or not??”

“.…Y’know what? Yeah. I’ll fight you!!”

“ALRIGHT!!! MAN, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!!!”

“Name the time and place, and I’ll be there!!”

“Alright~ Meet me at the abandoned Boy’s Private Academy at the southern end of Diamond Star next Friday, 4PM.”

“Hmm, alright! I’ll be there!!”

“Good~ Until then, you better prepare for that asswhoopin’!”

“Same to you!!!”

Johnny and Ace walked their separate ways, both pumped and ready for the fight. With a week of prep time, Ace knew what he had to do: More training! Thank goodness tomorrow’s Saturday!

-

The next day at Jigu-Jo’s dojo

-

“YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!?” Jigu-Jo yelled.

“Heh heh~ I kinda had the feeling you were going to react this way…”

“I can’t believe this!!! Ace, what happened to ignoring him!?!? God I’m so disappointed in you right now, I can’t believe it…”

“But Jigu-Jo! I have a good reason!! Honest!!”

“Hoo boy, you’d better!!!”

“I do!! Johnny has Clown-Po!!”

“What?”

“Yeah! He charged electricity into some needle thing and threw it at me!! If that wasn’t Clown-Po, I don’t know what is!!”

“I see…Hmm…Strange….”

“What’s strange?”

“What’s strange is I felt your Clown-Po aura, but I never felt this Johnny character’s…”

“Alright...So what now? Should I call the fight off?”

“Hmm…No…No, you’re going to fight Johnny. And when you win, you’re going to get him to join us!”

“What?!? No way!!”

“Yes way!! Who knows how strong he is with his Clown-Po! If he really starts to use it, he could do serious damage to himself and others! But if we can get him to join us, I could teach him how to handle it and keep him from using it recklessly!!”

“Do we really have to?”

“YES, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW MY ORDER.”

“Fine….”

“Good. Now then, let’s get on with today’s lesson~!”

-

The week passed, and Friday had finally come. It was finally Fight Night. Er, Fight Afternoon.

Ace and Jigu-Jo had arrived at St. Akira’s All-Boys Private Academy, a rich kid’s high school that had closed down nearly a decade ago.

The once bustling school grounds had rotted away after years of neglect. Broken windows, graffiti all over the walls, trash in the hallways. It was a mess.

And in the courtyard, squatting in front of a dead fountain with his head cocked down was Johnny, eagerly awaiting Ace’s arrival. Hearing footsteps, he looked up, greeted to Ace and his extra.

“Well, well…You actually showed~ Not gonna lie, totally thought you were gonna ditch me~”

“Yeah well, I’m a Clown of my word.”

“Clearly. I like that in a man~ Oh? But who’s this robed dork?” Johnny asked, as he got up from squatting, looking over and inspecting Jigu-Jo.”

“I’m Ace’s Clown-Po Sensei, Master Jigu-Jo. I-”

“You’re a Master??? BAH, YEAH RIGHT!!! The only thing you look like you’re a master of is the hair brush and eyeliner” Johnny laughed.

“Grrr…I’d be more angry if that weren’t true…Anyways, I’m only here to watch my pupil fight. This is his first battle outside of our practice sparring.”

“Hmmm….Alright, you can stay an’ watch. But if’ya jump in to save Cherry Coke’s butt from my beat-down, that counts as a loss!!”

“I understand” Jigu-Jo replied as he walked away from the rowdy Johnny and Ace before telling his pupil “Please kick this moron’s ass…” before jumping up to a tree to watch the fight.

“Don’t worry, I will….”

Taking a Boxing stance, Ace readied up for the fight, while Johnny simply cracks his knuckles, sparks some electricity between his fingers, and tilts his head back a little, like any other Bosozoku. The two then took 15 steps back from each other.

“So…You ready for this?” Johnny asked.

“Been waiting a week for this!!” Ace replied.

“Good! I love that energy!! But hey, before we start this shit, how about we make this a lil’ more interesting?”

“Ok, I’m listening.”

“If I win, you gotta join my gang and do whatever I tell ya to!”

“Alright, and what about me?”

“I dunno, what about you?? What do you want if ya win?”

“Hmm…Oh!! You have to leave me alone forever!!”

“*AHEM*”

“Oh…Uh….You have to join me for Jigu-Jo’s training...”

“Heh, alright~”

“Good!! Enough standing around!! Let’s do this!!!”

“Alright then!! Let’s get this on!!! OH. Wait. Almost forgot something~!”

“Wha?”

Johnny claps his hands, and seconds later, a large horde of his gang members pour out from everywhere, hooping and hollering, forming a large circle of bikes, cars, and rowdy Delinquents around their leader and Ace.

“RIGHT ON TIME BOYS!!!” Johnny cheers as his gang grows rowdier!

“What the?!?! HEY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS BETWEEN MY STUDENT AND YOU!!” Jigu-Jo yelled out, furious at this turn of events.

“Don’t worry, Pretty Boy!! My boys are here to make sure Ace doesn't run off if he gets scared!! They won’t get in our way~”

“Heh…Me, run away from this?? Nuh-uh! I’ve waited a week for this!!” Ace readies up again. “Enough talk!! Let’s get this on!!”

And so the fight began.

Ace comes out swinging, giving Johnny a right hook to the jaw!

Johnny stumbles back after the blow, and charges back towards Ace. Johnny delivers a headbutt, and a few punches to Ace's chest!

Ace falls on his back, as Johnny jumps on top of him and gets in a few good punches on Ace's face before blocking the blows, and shoving Johnny off.

Johnny and Ace both get back up, and began slowly circling each other, before charging at each other again. Johnny's gang cheered on for their great leader as put Ace into a choke, throwing more punches to his face, with each punch letting out a honk from Ace's red nose!

Jigu-Jo sat quietly in the tree, observing the match. “Hmm...This punk is strong, but he lacks form. Yet his more aggressive style is giving him an advantage over Ace...Come on now my pupil, I know you can beat him…”

Wriggling free from Johnny's grip, Ace stood back and quickly caught his breath.

Johnny gave Ace a smug look and said "So, you havin' fun yet, guy?"

Ace smirked and nodded. "Actually, yeah~ I'll have even more fun when I wipe that grin off your face!"

Ace started to get serious with the fight. As Johnny kept blindly swinging, Ace kept evading, side-stepping Johnny, blocking all his shots, trying to tire out the Delinquent. Johnny's gang boo-ed at Ace, whilst Jigu-Jo cheered on.

“Haha! That's it, Ace! You've got him now!”

"Man...This guy's really giving it to me now...I can barely get a beat on'im...His footwork is something else, and those punches are fuckin' nasty..." Johnny thought, as he looked at Ace, trying to figure out how to counter act his opponent.

Then it hit him "Wait a minute...Footwork...Ah, I got it!!!"

Charging back towards Ace, Johnny dodges another Hook, side stepping Ace, and kicking Ace in his right ankle.

The force of the blow, combined with the metal caps on Johnny's boots, Ace let out a painful scream, as he staggered to the ground, barely able to stand.

"AHHHHHHRG!! That really smarts an-AH OW!! Oh fluff, I can barely stand straight now!!…Johnny must be smarter than he looks…”

Jigu-Jo gasped, but the gang cheered.

“THAT’S IT BOSS!!! YOU GOT THIS FUCKER NOW!!”

“Damn...That was a cheap and dirty shot, but I'll be cursed if I didn't admit it was smart…” Jigu-Jo muttered to himself. “By impairing Ace's movement, he's given himself an advantage over speed...But Ace can still fight through the pain.”

Struggling to stand back up, Ace tightly clenches his fist and gritted his teeth to fight the pain.

“What’s the matter, Ace~? Can’t bear to ‘STAND’ your defeat~?” Johnny laughed with his gang

“Hah…hah…Real clever~ Gah…But your fighting style is just like your pun…Bad and formless!!”

Hobbling towards Johnny, Ace raised his right fist for another straight, but right as he was right in front of Johnny, Johnny slammed his boot over Ace's toes, causing Ace more pain and leaving him open for Johnny to strike.

And strike he did, as Johnny kept punching and kicking Ace to the edge of the ring. Exhausted from the pain, Ace fell back, leaning against some of Johnny's gang before being shoved off. Riding off the force of the push, Ace hobbled towards Johnny again, connecting with a huge blow to his stomach.

The strength behind the punch was so intense, it was enough to send Johnny flying towards the opposite edge of the ring, hitting the hood of one of his member's cars.

Ace, heavily breathing and bruised, smiled and asked "Had enough, yet~?”

Johnny slowly regains consciousnesses, and gets mad. He knew it was time to get serious.

Getting back on his feet, Johnny began charging electricity all over his body, reading up his Clown-Po.

"Alright, guy...That's it...No more fuckin' around!!" he yelled, rushing towards Ace with two needles in his hands.

Leaping high into the air and falling down right above Ace, Johnny landed on Ace's shoulders, leaping off before stabbing the two needles into each shoulder! Jigu-Jo gasped in fear as Ace screamed in pain, still standing tall as he tried to fight through the pain.

"GAHHHHHH...N-Nice shot...I'll give you that....But that's not gonna stop me!!"

Johnny chuckled "You say that now~" Unbeknownst to Ace, the needles were connected to thin electric wire, with Johnny holding the ends in one hand. Clenching his fist tighter, Johnny sent shocks to the needles in Ace, greatly immobilizing him.

Ace screamed louder and louder as Johnny cranked up the voltage with each clench. Jigu-Jo couldn't bare the sight he was seeing, watching as his student fell lower and lower to the ground. "C'mon my student, get up!! Don't lose to this jackass..."

Ace's screaming eventually went quiet. His body numbed from the pain and vision coming in and out, it seemed like he was down for the count.

Assured of his victory, Johnny yanked the needles out of Ace with a devilish grin. "Well, looks like your road to being the strongest ends here, buddy~" he gloated. Johnny's gang cheered on their great leader as Jigu-Jo hung his head in shame. His teachings have failed, and Ace laid on the cold hard ground, shocked to death...Or was he?

"G-Get....Up...GET....UP" Ace thought to himself, as he staggered to his feet. His body was still numb, but he wasn't going to go down like this. As Johnny was distracted by his gang's cheers, it left him wide open for a counter attack, and Ace seized the opportunity. Seeing his student stand up, Jigu-Jo beamed with Joy.

“Yes~!! I knew you wouldn’t go down that easy!! Now finish this cheap bastard off!!”

Running at a full tilt sprint, Ace dashed towards Johnny. Noticing the running fighter, Johnny's gang tried to warn their leader of the attack.

Turning around at the last second, Ace's fist landed square in Johnny's face. The impact was so strong that Johnny's bulbous blue nose didn't even let out a squeak or honk. The only sound to be heard was a sickening CRUNCH as Ace dug his knuckles deep.

Ace stood still with his jab still in Johnny's face for a full 30 seconds of silence.

After the 30 seconds, Ace followed up his counter with a sudden barrage of rapid fire punches, with the impacts of each punch echoing out for miles like a machine gun with his arms glowing red hot!

“Is Ace tapping into Clown-Po for this last quarter of the match??” Jigu-Jo wondered. “His aura seems to be burning off of his arms-OH WHAT AM I SAYING?! OF COURSE HE’S TAPPING INTO IT!!”

Finishing off his barrage, Ace delivered a straight punch right into Johnny's chest with enough strength to send him flying to the other end of the ring, crashing into another car.

Ace stood stoic, breathing heavily with blood and sweat dripping down his body in the afternoon sun, as the Jigu-Jo and the gang were stunned by the sudden comeback.

Johnny tried to get back on his feet, but couldn't keep himself up. He was done. He pushed himself off from the car, but only walked 3 steps before collapsing.

Ace smirked "Stay down, I won this."

Johnny's gang rushed to help their leader up, but he managed to stand on his own without help. He stood there in silence, his head hanging down in shame with blood and sweat beading down his face.

And then he started to....laugh?

"He-Heh....Hehehe...Hahahah....AH HAHAHAHAH, OH MAN, THAT WAS A FUCKING GOOD FIGHT!!!"

Ace was confused. "Why is this guy happy that he lost?" he thought. "Oh my goodness, is he one of those people who 'like' getting beat up!? OH GROSS!!"

“A-Are you...Uh...Alright??" Ace asked as he slowly approached the Bosozoku.

"HAHA, NEVER FELT BETTER!!" he laughed, giving Ace a lil' bump on the shoulder. "Man I gotta tell ya, it's been FUCKIN' FOREVER since I had a fight like that!! Gotta say, you really handed me my ass with those rapid punches!"

“Uh, yeah….”

"Y'know, me and you should hang out sometime!!"

“"Uh, NO?! Did you forget?? I said if I won, you had to get lost!!!”

“Nono!! You changed your mind! You said if you won, I’d have to join you and Pretty Boy!! SO I GUESS WE’RE GONNA BE TIGHT BROS!!”

“AH….DANG IT!!! BUT STILL, WE’RE NOT FRIENDS!!!”

“Yeah we are~!! Like we're like Turner and Hooch, Peanut Butter and Chocolate, the guys from Perfect Strangers!!"

"I don't even know two of the things you just referenced!!! Besides, you know nothing about me!!!"

"So?"

"Ok that it's, I'm out of here. Jigu-Jo, let's go…"

Leaping down from the tree, Jigu-Jo joined his student. "Right behind you…"

"I'LL SEE YOU AT SCHOOL TOMORROW, BEST BRO!!!" shouted Johnny as Ace and Jigu-Jo walked away. “AND DON’T FORGET TO TELL ME WHERE WE MEET FOR CLOWN-JO PRACTICE!!!”

"WE'RE NOT BROS!!!"

-

The next day, as Ace readied for another day at school, he thought about what had happened yesterday.

"(Sigh) Yesterday sure was a thing. That was still a fun fight, but man, that Johnny guy...I really hope he doesn't think we're friends now. I mean, losing to someone and then they become your friend?? That's crazy and unrealistic!! It’s bad enough that he’s going to join me and Jigu-Jo…"

"At the very least I was able to get bandaged up by Jigu-Jo and hide all my bumps and bruises from mom and dad...Well, here’s to hoping that Johnny’s gone somehow…" Ace said as he opened the front door, only to be greeted by Johnny of all people.

"YO BRO!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!" Ace screamed, jumping back in shock.

"Well as it turns out, we both live in the neighborhood!! Hell, my house is right behind yours!!!"

“You're kidding…Right??”

"Nope! Man, THIS IS SO GREAT!!! We're now only a couple feet away from each other, we can head to school together, shoot the shit like bros! This is the best thing that's happened this week!!"

"More like the worst thing…" Ace cried as Johnny cheered about this new friendship.

-END-

-

Next Time on Nonkina Ace: Clown Fighter!

-

Yo! Ace here!!

Man, I thought Johnny was a real pain in my tush, but Hall Monitor Ryosuke is worse!! Now that Johnny keeps hanging out around me, despite my protests, he won’t stop getting on my case!!

That’s so unfair!! I’ve done nothing!!! And what’s this? He might be the local superhero Bikkuri Ranger? Bah!! I’ll believe it when I see it!

NEXT TIME ON NONKINA ACE:

Great Yeller!! Ryosuke Bikkuri!!

Don’t miss it!!

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Wallice has shared her subversive new single 'Hey Michael'. 'Hey Michael' amplifies her blood-thirsty nature, a revenge anthem that finds Wallice turning into a worse villain than her erstwhile love interest. A song about toxic tendencies and how they manifest in our lives, 'Hey Michael' twists and turns around American Psycho imagery. Wallice labels "a revenge anthem for anyone who has encountered a gaslighting, manipulative person. It’s what I wish I would have said to all the ‘Michael’s’ I have met in my life. It can be substituted by many names, we all know or have met a ‘Michael’ though. Somehow the world revolves around them and they just can’t catch a break, because they never do anything wrong and it’s usually your fault. You should have listened to your gut instinct and swiped left on this Michael. This isn’t a man-hating song, it’s just something many people can relate to. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit just how bad a friend, date, or romantic partner was and a lot of the time, I would just smile and laugh off stupid remarks but when I think back, I wish I had told them off. But at the same time, my persona in the song is not the best person either. I literally say: I think I want to start a fight, which one is your girlfriend? The whole song is funny because I am so focused on how shitty Michael is that I don’t even think about how shitty I might be as well." Directed by Phil Stillwell, the video takes place at a house party, with Wallice interacting with various 'Michaels' before her behaviour spirals into something much, much worse. [via Clash]

In the same vein as Massive Attack’s suburban groove and social commentary in the mid 90’s, KITA have captured the rhythm and heartbeat of suburban Pōneke; a city abuzz with a vibrant music and dramatic performance scene in their brand new track and official video, ‘Private Lives’. Weaving together elements of vintage rock, pop and soul, and warm hints of synth, KITA have created a skin-prickling piece of magic with ‘Private Lives’, a deeply beautiful track penned in 2020’s lockdown, that delves into the unknown of what happens when the blinds are shut – the parts of life that are unseen by others. "Standing from my kitchen window during lockdown in Aotearoa, sinister thoughts entered my mind about what could be happening behind closed doors for people”, says front-woman Nikita 雅涵 Tu- Bryant. The video tells the story of a father and daughter’s relationship amongst snapshots of everyday life and its monotonous anonymity, while things aren’t always what they appear on the surface. Late at night the father can finally reveal his true self, adorning makeup and sequins, only to be spied by his daughter. The two then share a special moment of dressing up and dancing together, a true celebration of individuality, self-love and the beauty of self-expression.

'Just Chemistry' is the third single from Dance Lessons, a London-based, female-fronted and produced trio, creating what they define as Serrated Pop. 'Just Chemistry' is a delicate hymn to the unspoken. Dance Lessons return with their signature sound – minimal production, sleek vocals and intricate arrangements. Ann says: “'Just Chemistry' is about the over-complication of our relationships. It’s about the things that are left unsaid in-between the awkward text messages and conversations, and how the absence of knowing can be misinterpreted as doubt. Last year was a difficult one. For a long time, I felt at the mercy of my emotions. I doubted where things were going. I lived in the future and found it hard to commit to the present. But these moments of not knowing can be equally thrilling and beautiful. And that’s what the song is about: finding beauty in the unspoken. In most cases, it’s chemistry that makes us fall in love. Things end, all is temporary. Let’s not go to war with one another over it.” Nat says on the video: “A friend told us about this weird and wonderful house in North London that feels a little like stepping into an acid trip. We obviously wanted to check it out. It’s completely surreal, all over the place (in a great way) and generally eclectic, which felt inherently us. We instantly wanted to do something there and asked the owner for permission to shoot a music video. We filmed during lockdown and were let loose embracing all the oddness of it. Ann also designed and created the outfit she wears in the video, something she does with most of her wardrobe. It was shot, directed and edited by our hugely talented friends Ben Hanson and Simon Frost from Borderland Studios.”

Returning with her first offering of the year, North London’s rising star Laurel Smith is ready to reveal her anticipated new single, ‘Out the Cage’ accompanied by an action packed and thrilling cinematic style music video directed by Jeremie Brivet and Jai Garcha. Sticking to her winning recipe of moody, dark, electro-pop production paired with effortlessly edgy tales of narrative lyricism, ‘Out the Cage’ is the next huge single from the young, innovative artist that is sure to follow the same trajectory of success as its predecessor, ‘Game Over’ released late last year. A songwriter and recording artist, Laurel Smith has been writing songs since the age of sixteen. With each single she’s released, Laurel has continued to adapt her sound and aesthetic, consistently honing her craft and evolving her brand. She has carefully carved out her place in an ever crowded industry and proceeds to turn heads at every corner. “‘Out The Cage’ is a song about breaking out from your constraints, both physical and mental. Although it can be interpreted in any way, when I wrote it I created a story around a bored housewife, falling out of love with her husband, she fantasises about tying him up and leaving him to be a badass assassin in a video game type world, roaming the city at night and living a life of unpredictability and excitement”.

Hailing from the Philippines, singer-songwriter Laica is coming off a breakout 2020. Now the 21-year-old is gearing up for the release of her debut album I’m so fine at being lonely. The first single off the project, 'love u lately' is here, accompanied by a music video directed by Cooper Leith. 'Love u lately' is a relatable and infectious track. The song revolves around dating, understanding mixed signals, and the confusion that surrounds that world. Lyrically, Laica walks us through her experiences here, voicing her thoughts and frustrations about someone who she just can't seem to read right. Production-wise, the track is carried by a pulsing synth and a groovy bass. Together, the track feels upbeat. The vibe created by the production stands in contrast with the more emotional lyrics, making the track complex and interesting. The music video takes the concept of 'love u lately' to the extreme, in a fun and playful way. Laica is seen capturing her dream boy and attempting to use witchcraft to finally win him over. The video has a very DIY feel, which could serve to add to the reliability of the track. It’s a great extension of the track and taps into everyone’s most fantasy-driven realities. [via Earmilk]

At first, Emily C Browning wasn't sure what to think. Spurned, rejected, and cast aside, she was angry, furious, and - at times - utterly bereft. Usually she'd utilise songwriting as a vessel for her emotions, but when she was so conflicted, and feeling so negative, that it just didn't enter her mind. The Christchurch, New Zealand artist needed to take a step back, and when she located some perspective, she was ready to act. New single 'I Wasn't Into You Anyway' is a soaring slice of revenge, one that finds Emily C Browning taking full control of her music. Her first solo production credit, its reminiscent of those surging, empowering Maggie Rogers bops, while also containing similar DNA to Sharon Van Etten's work. Lyrically, it's absolutely her own creation, with Emily leaning on those often-hidden feelings. She comments... "Everyday for a month I wrote in my journal: I want to write a song about feeling rejected. But I couldn’t figure out how to keep it light and funny, it can be quite a painful topic and I didn’t want to sound too heavy. But I kept working on it everyday and came up with this song. I then spent another month recording it, trying to capture a sound that stayed upbeat and playful. I put so much time and energy into the song that I ended up completely forgetting about the person who rejected me in the first place (honest, I swear)." [via Clash]

Alt-pop force Holly Humberstone returns with new single 'Haunted House'. The songwriter's potent debut EP Falling Asleep At The Wheel was a sensation, racking up more than 100 million global streams. A bona fide phenomenon, Holly returns with a single that displays a more nuanced, reflective side to her work. 'Haunted House' digs into childhood, and looks at the way memory can frame the way we construct our identities. She comments: "I wrote this song about the old and characterful house I grew up in. The house is such a huge part of who I am and our family. With my sisters and I moving out and living separate lives, coming home feels very comforting and one of the only things keeping us all connected." Playing with concrete imagery and no small degree of invention, 'Haunted House' connects art to life in an enchanting fashion. She adds: "The house is almost falling down around us now though, and we’ve realised that pretty soon we’ll be forced to leave. There’s a cellar full of meat hooks and a climate so damp mushrooms grow out of the walls. Loads of people have probably died here in the past but I’ve always felt really safe. It’s like a seventh family member. It’s part of me." [via Clash]

In 2019, the Boston-born and Brooklyn-based indie rock album Crumb released their debut album Jinx. Crumb haven’t yet announced plans to follow that album up, but they’re definitely working towards something. Last month, the band came out with a one-off single called 'Trophy.' Now, they’ve followed that one with two new tracks, and they’re both winners. The new songs 'BNR' and 'Balloon' both fit nicely into Crumb’s comfort zone. The band’s sound is a rich, sophisticated take on psychedelia, with blissed-out lead vocals from Lila Ramani and with some great funky drum action. The band co-produced both songs with Foxygen’s Jonathan Rado, who’s done great recent work with people like Father John Misty and Weyes Blood and the Killers and who knows how to make oblique ’70s-style pop sound good. But Crumb themselves deserve a ton of credit for coming up with a sound this layered and weird. They’re the rare circa-2021 band who might remind you of Broadcast. In a press release, Ramani says, “‘BNR’ is an ode to my favorite colors. I had a weird obsession with those colors in winter 2018-2019 and felt like they would follow me around everywhere I went." 'BNR' also has a cool music video. Director Joe Mischo starts the clip off as a hallucinatory reverie, but he turns it sharply towards horror at the end. [via Stereogum]

Last year, Limerick poet/musician Sinead O’Brien released her debut EP, Drowning In Blessings. It was a unique work, a handful of songs featuring O’Brien’s sing-speak over spindly, post-punk guitars. It garnered O’Brien a bit of buzz overseas, and it left you wondering where she might take her music from there. Now, O’Brien’s back with a new song called 'Kid Stuff.' “‘Kid Stuff’ shows up all different tones on different days,” O’Brien said in a statement. “There’s something alive in it which cannot be caught or told. It is direct but complex; it contains chapters. This feels like our purest and most succinct expression yet.” Like Drowning In Blessings, 'Kid Stuff' found O’Brien working with Speedy Wunderground mastermind Dan Carey. Musically, it hints at a level up moment for O’Brien. There was something alluring and jagged about Drowning In Blessings, but 'Kid Stuff' places her usual approach over a song that is surprisingly groovy — maybe even a little danceable. It comes with a video directed by Saskia Dixie. [via Stereogum]

Das Beat are made up of German actress and vocalist Eddie Rabenberger and Agor of Blue Hawaii. The pair have just shared their first single 'Bubble' online now and are set to release their debut EP Identität on June 4 via Arbutus Records. Born in Berlin during 2020’s legendary lockdown, Das Beat seeks to blast both boredom and boundary. Dabbling in German New Wave, Italo Disco, Indie & Dance, their sound is unified by vocals from Eddie Rabenberger, sung in German and English. Amidst playful lyrics one finds a strong underlying pulse (das “beat”), pinning down the duo’s meandering atmospherics, dreamy synths, guitars and percussion. The duo is half-Canadian and half-German. Agor (of Blue Hawaii), moved to Berlin from Montreal in 2018. Eddie is a theatre actress originally hailing from a small town in Bavaria. Together they find a strange but alluring symbiosis - like Giorgio Moroder meets Nico, or Gina X Performance meets The Prodigy.

St. Vincent has fully embraced the ’70s aesthetic for her retro-sounding new record, Daddy’s Home. Now, she’s diving headlong into the animation styles of the era with the video for 'The Melting of the Sun'. Presented as a “betamax deluxe release” rip from “Candy’s Music Video Archives,” the clip blends live action shots of St. Vincent herself with the wavy, intermittent animation frames any Schoolhouse Rock student is familiar with. The psychedelic lines fit a song called 'The Melting of the Sun' perfectly, as do the drawings of the legends mentioned in the song’s lyrics like Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell, and Tori Amos. St. Vincent co-directed the clip with Bill Benz, while Chris McD provided the animation. [via Consequence]

Bay Area slowcore trio Sour Widows have released a new single, 'Bathroom Stall,' from their forthcoming EP Crossing Over, which they announced last month with its title track. The song’s build-up is subtle and poignant like Sufjan Stevens, but Maia Sinaiko’s evocative, sweeping vocals are one-of-a-kind, and the lyrics are graphic and tragic: “Do you remember it like I do?/ Your lips turned blue I had my fingers in your mouth/ And I couldn’t get them out.” Sinaiko said of the song: "This song is about a relationship I had with someone who struggled with addiction, who very tragically passed away three years ago while we were together. It’s about some moments we shared, and how it feels to walk around carrying that person and those experiences with me while the world stays normal. I wrote the song because I wanted to preserve and document what happened to me. to write out the scary stuff and just let it sit there forever. I think its funny that its called 'Bathroom Stall' and that it has that image in it: the song goes from heavy and dark to ordinary and totally pedestrian in a sentence, which feels absurd. And that’s kind of what it’s like to grieve. That’s kind of what’s hard to explain about grief, how absurd it is. Part of you goes to a different planet and part of you stays walking around like an alien on Earth, going to the bathroom and looking at the moon and shit." [via Stereogum]

As JUNO-nominated singer Kandle Osborne prepares to launch her new project, Set The Fire this spring, she shares the album’s third single, 'Misty Morning.' From being penned on a napkin while abroad to a Vancouver studio, 'Misty Morning' is a sonic journey that echoes soulful vulnerability and an honest reflection of realizing true love. For the video, Kandle reconnects with 'Honey Trap' director, Brandon William Fletcher, to create classic 40s noir-inspired cine-magic, filmed along the Vancouver coastline and within the lush landscape of Stanley Park. Kandle says: “‘Misty Morning’ is my first real love song, captured on a napkin while in Ischia, Italy when I was truly happy. My songwriting usually comes from a place of turmoil and catharsis, but this was simply a snapshot of a perfect, vulnerable moment. In recording it, I wanted to hide behind lush orchestration, but my producer/ best friend Michael Rendall had other ideas. He wanted to strip it down to just piano & a single vocal to take me out of my comfort zone and re-capture the open-hearted feelings I had while writing it. The song and the recording both hold for me a time when I dropped my guard for pure authentic love in spite of all my flaws and failures. In that moment, I felt my true value as a whole person for the first time.”

On 'Vertigo,' Alice Merton’s first single of 2021, the 27-year-old describes the long road from uncertainty back to self-confidence. It emphasizes the unrest that seizes her again and again, the thought: “Why can’t I just let it go?” These contradicting thoughts and emotions that are so familiar to all of us sum up to an overwhelmingly positive effect - 'Vertigo' leaves you empowered rather than anxious: A powerful indie pop arrangement with distorted guitars, plus Alice Merton’s crystal-clear voice. The result is reminiscent of the British Invasion, with no air of self-doubt. With its energetic live qualities, 'Vertigo' feeds an appetite for summer festivals and concerts that will definitely return at some point. Largely responsible for this is the Canadian producer Koz, a multiple Grammy nominee, who has worked with Dua Lipa ('Physical') among others. Here, too, he adds on to what has already made Alice Merton stand out from the crowd in the past - her classic pop appeal - with an uncompromising and indie attitude. This enables Alice to take another big step: She equally encourages a shaken generation and herself that there will be easy summers again. That you can dance again and lie in each other's arms. That it is absolutely fine to have many facets, to not always be clear, and that strength and weakness are not mutually exclusive.

Canadian artist Olivia Lunny's new release 'Sad To See You Happy' is a shamelessly poppy track centering an acutely relatable break-up narrative. The Canadian artist follows up her breakthrough success with a bouncy cut to soundtrack 2021’s long-awaited spring. There's a relatable tale of break-up at the heart of the gloriously poppy new single, belied by percussive instrumentation that creates a warm, nostalgic feel. [via Line Of Best Fit]

After sharing the single last month, Charlotte Adigéry is now revealing the brand new video for ‘Bear With Me (and I’ll stand bare before you)’. The first new music since her 2019 debut EP Zandoli, Charlotte says of the video, “The video is about being confined thus confronted to the way we live. The cruel irony of having the privilege of standing still, questioning and observing my life in all safety while others are fighting for theirs. On the other hand, the video is about trying to stay sane while feeling that the walls are closing in on you. Embracing boredom and finding joy in the little things in life.” Director Alice Kunisue adds, “When I listened to Charlotte’s song and what it meant for her and Bolis, I wanted the video to visually encapsulate that feeling of being stuck inside and confronted to our deeper selves while paradoxically sensing the chaos going on in the outside world without being able to do anything about it. Choosing to film an apartment room from one single angle was a way to reflect that narrowness of thought that we all experienced, but also a constraint that allowed us to explore and develop visual ideas within a narrow system, in a way having to think only inside the box, which artistically was a fun challenge.” [via DIY]

Millie Turner has shared a video for ‘Concrete Tragedy’. It’s a cut from her upcoming mini-album Eye Of The Storm, set for release on May 16, which also features a rework of breakout song ‘(Breathe) Underwater’. “This video is a visual representation of dancing on your own,” she says of the clip. “Combining the many parts of who we are when we’re by ourselves, I wanted it to feel like you’re entering a world of imagination that comes alive when we express ourselves.” [via Dork]

Doja Cat and SZA have come together for a new single called 'Kiss Me More.' When the song was announced Wednesday night, the internet flipped out, which is to be expected with these two — especially Doja Cat, who is regularly going viral these days for all kinds of reasons. When it comes to collaborations, she always finds the best people. That includes Saweetie, who appeared on Doja’s recent 'Best Friend' but then claimed that it was released against her wishes. Given SZA’s long history of public frustration over TDE Records holding back her new album, she is probably happy to have any new music out. Despite recent single 'Good Days' hitting the top 10, her restless fanbase is still awaiting a follow-up to 2017’s iconic Ctrl. 'Kiss Me More' is the first single from Doja’s new album Planet Her, scheduled for release this summer. It returns to the disco vibes of Doja’s #1 hit 'Say So,' this time with no apparent resemblance to any Skylar Spence song. [via Stereogum]

[all-sortsa-stuff]

This life, part 4

Pairing: Reader x eventually Loki

Word Count: 3788 (Umm oops?)

Warning: Angst

 Part 1  part 2  part 3

 It was many hours that you let your anger and rage flow.  So long that your voice was rough and your throat raw.  There was now a fair sized clearing, made with your powers as you had paced on the edge of the water.  No one had been injured, so your conscience was clear.  Or mostly clear.  You found it difficult to rid the scenes of Loki’s past from your mind. The screams were…  They haunted you.  How had he survived through such things?  No, you could not think of it now.  There was too much to do and just days before the Melee.

The Melee was the tournament of the Asgardian Defenders.  Every five years it allowed the people of Asgard to see who was the best among the warriors that protected the realm and gave rise to those who might join the ranks.  It culminated in the Last Battle.  A free-for-all that did not finish until the last man or woman stood.  Nothing else mattered to you but the Last Battle.  All the other games were of little consequence. You had trained for the last years with the goal of winning.  There had been a word to no one of this idea, for they would have all tried to change your mind.  No woman had ever won before.  However, you were no mere woman and you had worked hard for it.  The plan was to do so without anyone knowing who you were as well as doing it without your powers.  It was easy to see when you used them so you would be unmasked easily if you did.

Everything that had happened with Thor and Loki had been a distraction.  Now you needed a distraction from them.  From the way your heart ached remembering all the time spent together as children.  How you and Loki would read for hours hidden away in the great libraries, or chasing Thor through the fields when he stole your secret training sword.  Life had been easy then.  Your parents loved you, your life had been completely planned out, and you were too innocent to know any better.  Pain seared through your heart as you thought about your parents. It was hard to think about them and the events that lead to where you were now.  It still hurt now.  Anger and resentment started to build again.  It seemed every time you thought about them it grew further.  Some day you knew it would erupt into something you would not be able to handle.

Odin had made good on his promise and no one came to disturb your peace.  For two days, you pushed your body further than you ever had.  The training consisted of one sword and sometimes a shield.  You were the only one to use two swords to fight, so you had to forego your second blade. It was odd not using both but it gave you the opportunity to develop a new style of fighting for yourself in the event you did not have the extra weapon.  You felt ready for it.  

The Melee was five days. The first day was celebrations and food followed by three days of the tournaments, finishing on the fifth day with the Last Battle.  Once the fighting ceased the winner was proclaimed which lead to more feasting and drinking. A merry time was had by all.  The previous Melee, you and Thor had gotten very drunk spending the evening torturing Loki with horrid Asgardian ballads. It ended with kissing Thor until you were both breathless.  

  You dressed in leathers and your dark cloak setting out towards the palace.  The celebration was held just inside the courtyard of the main gates.  Thousands of bodies were moving about drinking from large steins and eating. There were games and music scattered about.  If the time had been different you would be settled with your friends drinking much and eating more, loudly telling stories.  Volstagg would be have two maidens on his lap and Thor would be arguing with Fandral about something inconsequential.  A pang of loneliness hit as you walked through the crowds.  Still you moved on.  Later with your own stein of ale, you heard familiar laughing on the terrace just above one of the stages.  As you looked up you caught the eye of Thor, who had been watching you for a while from his perch.  

It took everything in him not to jump down to see you.  Your words though, ran through his mind, as did your face when you said you wanted to neither hear his voice nor see his face for some time.  The group realizing his distraction discovered you looking up to them.  They all quieted, though Hogun waved to you with a smile.  You dipped your head to them before pulling the hood up over your head moving on.  Thor hoped someday you would forgive him and he would have his friend back.  Nevertheless, he would not press you until you were ready.

There were others eyes, watching you from afar.  From the time you had entered the gates until now when you rushed off.  Watching and studying the woman in the dark cloak. Learning your movements and gait, how you studied your surroundings searching out dangers.  How different you had become.

You avoided the following three days of the Melee.  Your heart could not take seeing your friends again, not yet.  Preparing for the final day took too much concentration.  Once it was over, win or lose, you would break the silence and hope for life to return to what it had been before Loki’s return. Walking from your home to the palace took longer than you wanted.  But it gave you the time to plan the events that were to come.  You were ready as you set your helm in place.  

The courtyard had been cleared, with the crowd gathered on the edges.  In the center were the three hundred participants.  The Allfather, Queen Frigga, and Thor stood on the balcony looking down at the warriors.  “Every five years we join together for the Melee.  To celebrate Asgard and those who defend it.  As we gather for the Last Battle, it will be shown who among us are truly worthy to be called Defender.  Warriors are you prepared?”

The roars of affirmation echoed within the palace walls.  It felt as though lightening had spread throughout those gathered.  The excitement taking hold.  Odin raised both his arms in the air looking over the crowd. “Begin!”  He bellowed out.

Mayhem started immediately. Those who were not as skilled scrambled to find targets they believed were easy prey.  Many of those fell within the first few minutes.  Someone had grabbed your helm from behind trying to pull you down but a well-placed kick back caused the person to crumble holding his groin.  You turned quickly, bringing an uppercut to his jaw, knocking him out completely. One down a few hundred to go.  The action around you never felt like it slowed. Moving from target to target there was a path of bodies left in your wake.  Just over the hour mark, the warrior group had dwindled down to twenty participants.  These were the more skilled of Asgard and more difficult to defeat.  The man you fought now was at least a foot taller than your frame and would have difficulty fitting through a door with the broadness of his shoulders.  While he had the strength, his movements were slow.  As he raised his axe over his head, you spun around bringing the back of your boot up to land just below the pit of his arm and the sensitive pressure point there. The man groaned as he sunk to his knees giving the perfect position for you to bring the hilt of you blade down on his head, causing him to fall the rest of the way to the ground.  

You laughed beneath your mask, as three people had to drag his body out of the courtyard.  Another fifteen minutes progressed and there were three of you left.  By the look of the armor, you knew the identity of one man.  The other you were not as aware of his skills so he became your first target.  Running as fast as your armor would allow towards him, you held your sword out in front of you in threat.  Seeing your plan he planted himself with sword raised waiting on your attack.  However, it was his mistake as you rarely did was you were supposed to.  Just before you clashed, you went low, sliding on one hip behind him.  Turning to kick both legs out from under him. You laughed as he fell with a grunt. One swift punch to the jaw took him out of the competition, leaving you with one last opponent.

Jumping up you spied him standing across the courtyard eyeing you closely.  He had watched you removed the last of the competitors with amusement.  You stalked towards him with blade readied, he mirrored preparing himself.  “I may enjoy beating you far more than I like, my Lady.”  

Bloody hell, of course he would know who you were.  Though, he had not said your name.  “Come now, Uljar, you always enjoy the win.  Whether it against me or anyone.”  Uljar had taken command of the Defenders after your father had been removed.  The two of you were friends and had many a day training together.  He laughed from behind his own helm.

“This is true, I will try and go easy on you, that way we can enjoy a good celebration ale together for my victory.”  Steeling yourself, you struck.  The clash of metal echoed and the crowd cheered.  Odin watched with great interest at the two as the fought below. Who was this woman, whose skill outmatched almost everyone else?  His curiosity was growing.

You and Uljar battled on. He realized that your skill had grown as he had difficulty keeping up with your blows.  No longer holding back, he forced what strength he had left.  While you were beginning to tire, he was worse off. His movements were becoming repetitive, as he could not keep up with the changing of tactics.  It gave you the opening you needed.  He had been going after your sword trying to knock it from your hand, but you doubted he had thought past what he would do when got there. You stuck your sword into the ground and ran towards him.  It threw his concentration off so that he did not expect you to use your whole body to knock him off balance.  As he fell, you grab his blade as it clamored on the ground and held the tip to his throat. “Do you yield my friend?”

He laid there breathing hard looking up to you.  It killed him to do it, but he held up his hands.  “I yield.”  The crowd’s response was deafening.  The cheers and cries around you caused the largest smile to appear beneath your mask. You held your hand out for Uljar to stand.  He took it before hugging you close.  “You deserve it.  You fought with more heart than I have ever seen.”

Odin raised his hands again to quiet those gathered to a dull rumble of conversations.  “We have our victor.  Remove your helm and tell us the name that will have ballads sung about for the coming years.”  You looked over at Uljar and he laughed, holding his arm out in encouragement. Holding one side of the helm and mask, you peeled it from your head looking up to the Allfather, smirking at the surprise on his face.  There was a collective gasp, then more cheering as everyone realize who were and what you had accomplished today.  The cheers and screams of your friends could be heard over them all from one of the balconies. Frigga looked as a proud mother as she beamed down at you.  “Lady [Y/N]… I believe you have shocked the whole of Asgard. The first woman to stand victorious in the Last Battle.  Every realm from now until the end of time will know your name as a protector of Asgard. They will stand in awe of the name and be honored to witness your skill.  Asgard I present you victor, Lady [Y/N] Theinndottir!”

The cheers began once more. For as much and as long as you had trained you had never given thought to what would happen if you were victorious. Now here you stood in the center of the celebration, hearing your name screamed to the tops of the towers. Unsure of how to proceed you waved to the crowd before walking towards the palace halls.  You needed a moment to breathe and to be honest, the largest stein of ale you could find.  Uljar followed you, slapping a hand on your back.

“You were amazing.  No wonder you had hid your training.  Have you been working towards this?”  Nodding to him with a small smile.

“For the last several years I have.  I was unsure if I could do it, but here I am. I believe I am still in shock.”  He laughed as you walked towards the feasting hall.

“Everyone is in shock. Did you see the Allfather?  I think there was a smile on his face.  But you know what this means, do you not?” Glancing in his direction a moment before taking a filled stein from one of the drink maids and drinking long. Once you finished the contents, you took another walking towards a chair to sit in a far off corner.  Uljar followed waiting for your response.

“What does this mean, Uljar?”  You put you boots up on the table stretching out.  Your body was going to hate you in the morn.

“What are the rules for defeating the captain of the Defenders?”  With his arms crossed, he raised a brow as you thought of the answer. Your eyes went wide and you half spit out a mouthful of ale.

“No…”  He laughed nodding slow.

“Yes, my Lady.”

“Bloody hell, that was not… I did not…”  The laugh grew louder as you fought to find the words.

“Uljar I did not mean…” Holding a hand up, he stopped you.

“[Y/N] you defeated me solid.  I am not upset.  I want you to know that.”  With a frown, you rested your head back against the wall staring up at the ceiling. The crowd was starting to enter the hall for their own refreshments.  

“[Y/N]…”  Looking up as your name was called, Thor stood several feet away, cautious to approach.  “My father requests an audience.”  

So soon.  You groaned internally.  With a nod to Uljar you stood before following behind Thor.  The tension between you two was palpable but you refrained from speaking.  He too, was silent, at least until just before you entered one of the private halls. “I want to say how proud I am.  You deserved that win more than anyone I have ever seen.  It was glorious to watch you tear through them all.  I should have realized it was you, but I was too busy watching for you around the battle not knowing you were in it.”

You smiled resting a hand on his arm.  “Thank you, Thor.  I means much from you.”  He nodded opening the door to the hall where Odin, Frigga and the rest of your group had gathered.  They all clapped and cheered for you as you entered.  However, quieted quickly when Odin looked around.

“Do you know why I called you, dear girl?”  Had you stepped into another realm?  Dear girl?

“I can only hope that is it not what I think, my king.”  He laughed quietly.

“Uljar opened himself up for the defeat.  With that defeat, opens up the rules of the Defenders.  If the captain is defeated in the Last Battle, the victor may lead if they are found worthy.  [Y/N] you are far more worthy than anyone.  Not because of who you were bore from.  But what you have done on your own.  Would you lead the Defenders in the protection of our people?”

The pace of your heart quickened with the question.  You could hear it in your ears over the silence of the room.  Looking down a moment you bit your lip unable to decide with the weight of the gazes of everyone around you.  “My Lord, my I take the day to decide.  This is… a large commitment.”

Odin smiled bowing his head. “Of course, child.  I await to hear your answer tomorrow.  Tonight we celebrate.”  Everyone cheered again, your friends surrounding you, hugging and congratulating you loudly.  Frigga had to pry them all away to be able to hug you herself.

“Oh my girl, I am so proud. I could not be prouder if you were my blood.  You deserve to celebrate tonight.  Go to Sif’s and wash.  There are clean clothes for you, as is fitting for the victor of the Last Battle.”  She sent you off in the direction of Sif’s chambers.  Those halls were quiet as everyone was gathered in the feasting hall and the courtyard.  As you walked, you could feel someone about.  Coming closer, causing you to stop and turn.  No one was there.

“I know you are around. Show yourself.”  A laugh echoed against the walls.  One you had known all your days.  Loki stepped out from the shadows dressed in one of his green tunics, reminding you of old times.

“You have changed, [Y/N]. I could always sneak up upon you as children.”  Rolling your eyes you turned back towards the direction you needed.

“If you had not noticed there is much changed of me, Loki.  If you will, I have to clean up before your mother will allow me to join the merriment.”  He frowned walking quickly to match your strides.

“I am still trying to grasp all the changes in you.  I hardly see the mere girl I left.”

“Yes, Loki you left. How are you out of the prison? Does Thor know?”  

“Odin has granted somewhat of a reprieve.  I am watched constantly, if I commit another error, I will spend the rest of my days below. Which I suppose I have you to thank.” You step had not slowed but you relaxed the tension in your body.

“I would not lie. Even after what you said to me I would not.”  Loki stared at you curiously.

“No you did not. There is anger there I can understand, some of which I caused.  But not all. No, not all of that is my blame. Thor would not tell me your story, why you have become this woman I do not know.  What happened after I left, [Y/N]?  I feel as though I am the cause for more than I know.”  Thor had not told him.  That was surprising.  Though perhaps he felt the need to give you rest after what he had forced you to do. All the memories came rushing back, causing you to stop in the middle of the empty hallway.

“You want to know?  To know all the pain that occurred after you called me your brother’s whore?”  Loki flinched as you moved close; if you had been taller, you would have screamed it in his face.

“Tell me… Please.” You laughed an odd, cold sound.

“Fine, you can revel in it. After you died… which obviously was just another one of your tricks, we mourned.  Even after what you said to me, I mourned my friend.  In the weeks that followed my father became more restless. In his own insanity, he believed you were correct in your thoughts on how Asgard should be ruled.  He fought with his closest friend, the king over it. I begged him to listen to reason. Odin was the king and should be followed.”  The floodgates had been opened, and there was no way to stop them now.  This was what you feared.

“Odin called my father a traitor and ordered he be imprisoned.  As I begged Odin to refrain, my father screamed that I was no daughter of his.  They dragged him to the cells; he cursed my name until I could no longer hear his screams.” Another laugh erupted from your lips as you thought of it.  His screams had haunted you too, just as Loki’s did now.

“My lovely mother disowned me as well, with one slap across the face before the entire court.  As I held my red cheek, your father decided it was time to degrade me further.  He announced that I was the daughter of a traitor and no longer worthy of marriage to his son.  That I was to remove what possessions I could from my family chambers and find refuge elsewhere.  In the span of weeks, I lost everything.  My family, the only path of life I was allowed to have and my home.”  Loki stood there looking at the pain and defeat on your face.  He held a hand out trying to comfort you but you pulled back quickly.

“Would you like to hear the biggest mess of all of it? Oh, I am sure you do.  I found out later after I had almost killed Thor, that I have powers that I never knew of.  We knew of my visions, but Valhalla there were so much more.  My mother, my whole life had bound me.  Every day she would force me to drink the horrid tonic, which she told me was to keep me healthy.  No, it was not for health it was to bind my powers within me.  So I did not become anything more than the girl who they were forcing a life on that I had no say.  Without my mother feeding me this tonic daily, my powers broke through and I could not control them.  Your mother was the only thing that saved me.  She taught me how to control them.  I will forever be indebted to her.”

“[Y/N], I…”

“Now you know the story of this chaos that stands before you.  Go Loki.  Go enjoy the family that has welcomed you back with open arms.”  You left him standing there in utter shock and pain. Pain for you, and what you had to deal with once he had parted.  As you entered Sif’s chambers you sunk to your knees breathing heavy.  You tried to push it all away, refusing to let it overcome you again.  This was not how the victor of the Last Battle should be.

With a deep breath you stood, pushing down everything that had come to the surface.

“This is my night.”

 Part 5

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