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icedmatchatae · 2 years ago

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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter IX: Hear Me Out

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: this was long for no reason lol, LOTS of crying in a one night, mentions of substance use and alcoholism, brief description of therapy, hints of depression and anxiety, the media is the absolute worse, mentions of panic attacks, a very emotional yet soft flashback, brief description of past infidelity (just want to hug oc :c), very brief mention of unexpected pregnancy (don't worry, it's none of them), insecurities on maintaining a relationship, Seojoon is back ayeee, verbal fighting

Word Count: 12.8k

Chapter IX: Hear Me Out || Series Masterlist

Settling down a glass of water and a plate of leftover homemade cookies in front of Taehyung, you both sat at your futon table, sitting across from one another. After you calmed him down, you knew he never wanted to be alone after an episode. You suggested bringing him home, but he refused and told you to not tell anyone what had happened. So ultimately, you brought him to your small apartment.

You still made sure that the unconscious men were still alive, and they all had pulses. The liquid that the first blacked-out men were on top of was soju. They probably would have forgotten what happened, so you escaped the premises holding a partially drunk Taehyung before someone caught you.

He muttered a thank you before drinking the water in one go and taking a cookie to help him sober up. Only the chewing and crunching from Taehyung cracked through the air as vocal silence was somewhat necessary after the events.

While he did so and stared at the bitten treat, you played with your fingers as you eyed around your apartment. Though he didn’t mind, you were a bit embarrassed showing him where exactly you lived. Everywhere screamed skeptical and empty. You couldn’t help but compare it with his multi-billion won high-security house with a fucking nice backyard.

“Sorry if…uhh, my apartment’s not much.” You didn’t know why you had to apologize for your living situation. It wasn’t your fault.

Looking up from the baked good, he found you and your cheeks fairly pink while doing your habit. He fuddled while lifting a brow. “You don’t need to apologize. If anything, I should be thanking you for bringing me here.”

“But still…you’re not used to this type of lifestyle.” You shrugged awkwardly. “I don’t even have a couch.”

“___, I could care less if we used the floor as a table or you used your hands to scoop the water I’m drinking.”

You nodded, staying quiet. However, you grew more lax with his reassurance, even letting out a sigh of relief. You watched him pop the remnants of sweet before taking another one from the plate. He looked rather functional, but of course, still infused with alcohol. You didn’t really speak after you sang the song together. He merely followed you silently while you said short instructions.

“How are you feeling now?” You asked softly, a tinge of worry dipped into your asking.

He stopped the cookie mid-way from his mouth before closing it. He placed the dessert back down and sighed, “Thank you for saving me back there. Who knows what would have happened to me if you weren’t there.” He pushed the plate away from him. “You didn’t need to though, could have left me to suffer the consequences.”

“Please, no. Taehyung, you were having a panic attack.” You disagreed, couldn’t even imagine not helping. “I couldn’t leave you like that. I would have done that to anyone.”

To anyone…right. The idol hummed, taking in your statement. “Guess you helped me escape from the law, my lovely accomplice.” He quipped with a smirk. You rolled your eyes before a small grin crept on your face. “You should know you’re still one of the only people who knows how to calm me down like that.”

Your lips faltered in confusion. “Who’re the others?”

“My mom, grandma before, and Jimin.” He replied. “I forgot about the song. It’s the most effective for me.”

You smiled, recalling the first time you used it. It was hours before the middle school talent show. The only reason why you did it was to distract him. He needed to focus on his mind away from his rough breathing. It was on a whim, but it worked great and now the song always calmed him down whether he went through an episode or not.

His list was expected as they were the most important people in his life. However, it was shocking that a specific person you thought of wasn’t on the list. “Not even Clara?”

Taehyung snorted as if you said a joke, “Please she doesn’t know anything about calming someone down. All she cares about is her image.”

Well, that was completely out of nowhere, baffled by his reveal. He spoke on it so casually, yet it was like a blow to his relationship. You couldn’t help but be curious as to why he might have said that, but you chose not to ask as it was the least of your worries right now.

Ignoring his comment, you decided to ask other questions that came to mind while you were on the bus ride home. “Before tonight, when was the last time you went through an episode?”

Tilting his head to the side, he stared at the wall across as he went through the folders of his memories. “Like a full episode, probably last year. Short breaths from time to time, but nothing too serious like tonight.”

“Taehyung…” You frowned, scooting closer to him. You kept your palms on your thighs when you kept your stare on him. His expression remained blunt, almost as if these mini-episodes weren’t at all concerning.

“No worries, ___. They weren’t big. When they happen, the breathing exercises help.”

“Could I ask what caused your last one? Wait, how’d you get into that situation?” Some things weren’t adding up. You were getting more and more perplexed.

He paused for a moment, gazing into your irises. You kept a worried demeanor as you waited patiently. The warm light of your floor lamp in the corner shined onto a side of you, cascading soft shadows of your side profile on the wooden ground.

“If I tell you, then I’d have to tell you things that I’m not proud of.” He explained softly, almost frightened that you’d want nothing to do with him. “You might hate who I’ve become.” His eyes filled with sorrow as he could feel the tears welling up again.

You sucked in your lips as you contemplated a move. Before you even made a choice, you crawled next to him before making yourself comfortable and sat, feeling the warmth he radiated. You looked up at his puzzled face. Before he could question, you motioned him to come and patted his lap.

Though stunned at your forward behavior, his eyes softened. You smiled tenderly and nodded, indicating it was okay. You did your motions once more before he placed his head on your lap, laying his body on the ground. Once his head settled, your appendages caressed through his ebony tendrils to soothe him, repeating the action over and over again.

“Taehyung, I could never hate you.” Your voice was so delicate, but held the heaviest meanings that Taehyung heard in a long time. “Though I don’t know what’s going on with you, please know that your resilience grows every day, more than yesterday, less than tomorrow. You’ll get through it.” You nodded to yourself, deep into thought. “You overcame so many things; bike riding, lighting, stage fright, endless training, close to disbanding. You’ve become successful and loved by many, Taehyung. You reached your goals! I would assume you’d be happier.” You sounded so positive, like how you were when you were younger, his little hope. But the familiar light only shattered him, becoming overshadowed by his intrusive thoughts. Only he knew it wasn’t all true.

With shaking lips, a cry escaped from his mouth not realizing that he was holding it in. You whispered caring nothings while you brushed your fingers into his scalp. His body pumping as his shoulders trembled as the sobs continued to fall.

It was at that moment he realized that you were probably gonna find out the side of him he has been trying to hide from you. The side that grew when you were gone in his life, the tragic shit of his life. He didn’t want to tell you, but he knew he could never lie to you. He trusted you.

He will always trust you.

“You say I’m resilient when I’m not.” He began with denial oozing at the words “You may think that my life has been nothing but glamorous with expensive name brands, International celebrity connections, and being loved by millions, from all my “success”. That my happiness is from all of that.” He chuckled, yet there was no humor in his tone. He bit his lips, quietly attempting to stop his sorrows. “But it’s not, ___.” He stabilized his breathing, feeling pressure in his chest. “I haven’t been happy for a while, and…and I don’t know what happened. I don’t know at all.”

He turned his head up so that he saw your face. Your arm hooked around the side of his face, your forearm feeling against his supple yet worn-down cheeks. Your digits were still attached to his hair. Your eyes were crystal clear, shining at him with the worrisome expression you’d been carrying since he saw you tonight. Yet you were getting confused, “What do you mean?”

The waves of sadness, the trickling of despair in his voice, and the tiredness against the hallows of his eyes and cheeks remained evident in the idol as he revealed what he has been dealing with for the years apart. His increasing anxiety and depression, therapy, the band, the scandals and cover-ups, and hurting numbness to his feelings ultimately resulted in his battle with substances and alcoholism.

Though he mentioned the overcoming of drugs and being clean for a year, the feigned chuckle in his voice indicated no other improvement to all the other shit happening to him. He still felt ashamed of what had become of him. V of BTS, Kim Taehyung, your Taehyung, your Hyungie grew up in a reckless brain of disappointment behind all that fame, fortune, and success. The continuous pressure of being this inhumane super idol representative of his national country in the public eye when really he was a human man struggling to find himself and the joy that was once in his life.

Even instances where he almost ran into mayhem from his behavior. If his members, mainly Jimin and Jungkook, or his friends didn’t find him on time, the paparazzi would have arrived to mess up his reputation and possibly his life.

Through the pain seeping out his voice and the straining tears on his face, you could tell how much it was affecting him, giving a hard time to even say it out loud. You knew he hid something, but it was nothing that you expected. Yet you knew how much he feared, how much it hurt him, having the control of his life being taken away by something he loved doing.

You kept silent, listening to his speaking while patting his hair. Your pants were soaked by his tears. At times, he had to pause for a moment to let out longer sobs when the feeling got too much. Once it seemed his story met the end, he sat up from your lap to stare into your eyes with his dull ones. “All this love and support, yet I still feel fucking empty!” He raised his voice out of nowhere, making you flinch. Noticing, he apologized quietly through his pupils. He spoke softly this time, “It’s all too much to handle, and adding onto everyone fucking keeping their eyes on me like I’m some zoo animal or puppet to attend to their needs. I just hate it.”

Stillness met around you much longer than anticipated because honestly, you didn’t know what to say to him. You didn’t want to say something he might not want to hear. He might have heard it before and it probably didn’t work. When in doubt, sometimes silence and listening would be the best thing to do.

“___?” He called your name out so timidly. You slightly nodded, telling him you were still here with him. “You think I’m a piece of shit, right?”

You furrowed your eyebrows at his accusation. “What? No, I don’t.”

“You’re lying.”

“Taehyung, I may have been harsh to you but I would never think of you like that.”

“Why not? There’s obviously something wrong with me.” He countered, not truly believing you. “All this shit is because of me.”

“No, nothing is wrong with you.” You fought back, shaking your head. “Things happened to you, Taehyung. You’re not what those events are.”

The idol kept his sodden eyes on you, hardening by the second. However, you too had your pupils focused on him, almost as if you were fighting to win yet your stare was much more gentle and empathetic. With that, it made him believe the authenticity of the words you were saying.

He softened his look and sniffed as he looked away to gaze over at your corner lamp. “You’re the only person who isn’t blaming me for my mess.” Turning his head back to you, he sighed “Whatever I do, I just feel like shit and get blamed. I feel lost and so tired of everything.”

“It’s okay to feel lost. You should give grace to yourself. I mean, you have been in the spotlight since you were young, so the pace is slower, unfortunately.”

“But how long am I gonna be like this?” He groaned in agony. Tears are physically drained out of him, but the redness pierced through his skin. “It’s been years!”

You thinned your lips and nodded, acknowledging his grief. “You should know I can’t answer that.” Though your answer wasn’t the best, it didn’t seem like he was bothered by it at all. “I know I’ll never be in your shoes and I will never know what’s going on in your head, but I do know how strong you are, Taehyung. You’ve always been, for yourself and others.” He remained quiet. But the dimming within the dark hues of his irises suddenly sparkled faintly. “It sucks and frustrating, and all these annoying shits because people don’t always understand you. You’re kinda hard to crack at times. Maybe that’s why it’s taking longer than usual. But those who truly know the lengths you have to take to overcome this. They will help you understand what you need to bring the goodness and happiness out of you.”

“Will I ever be happy, ___?” He spoke ever so timidly like he desperately needed an answer.

You leaned back, resting your palms on the hard wooden floor. “They always say good things will happen especially when you least expect it. It’ll come when the time is right.”

But you’re here now and you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Taehyung had an exhaustive look within his gloom, taking in your words. It was true, not many people understood him especially personally. Even if they did, they’d argue his logic like he was wrong for that. So at that moment, he remembered how much you were the one true person that made him be seen. Exposed and vulnerable. You saw the real Kim Taehyung.

With that, you weren’t expecting the idol to crawl towards your form to wrap his long arms around you as he rested his head in the crook of your neck. His nose gently grazed your skin, letting you inhale sharply. Luckily, he was too deep into his thoughts so you placed your palm on his back before fully reciprocating back.

“Thank you.” The vibration of his voice moved through your goosebumps. “Thank you for your words, for saving me, for everything since you came back. Thank you for being here again, Blue.”

A subtle smile ghosted on your lips at the sound of the nickname, letting him get away with it only this time. “You don’t need to thank me. I’ll be honest when I say I hate it at times, but I’ll be on your side no matter what.”

“Really? Even when I fuck up? Or when the members are mad at me?”

“Well, yeah.” He parted away to look into your eyes. “I’ve known you longer than those around us. It’s your word against theirs; I would believe you than them.”

The way you explained yourself had Taehyung’s heart skipping in a fluttering rapid manner. You spoke so honestly, it said it all on your face too. The gentleness and reassurance he knew and loved.

“Of course, it doesn’t mean I agree with you. I’ll tell your shit with the back of my hand.” Though your words were hard, you continued that tendering tone with an empathetic smile that would make all living entities’ hearts melt. But the contrast made the idol let out a deep chuckle, shaking his head while you weren’t fazed at all. “I’m only being honest.”

“As you are,” Taehyung confirmed before biting his lip. He knew how late it was, but still rejected the thought of going back to his house…with Clara if she was back. He didn’t want the members or his friends to get roped into this because that would require him to explain what happened tonight. “Do you think I could sleep over here?”

You looked taken aback at his question, cocking your brow up. “Tonight? Here?” You asked, then he nodded confidently. “A-are you sure?”

“Please? After what happened…I don’t want anyone else to know and bug me.”

“But…” You had mixed feelings about his request. Sure, you had tons of sleepovers in the past but it was in the past. There were certain things to consider with your decision, and most of it had to do with your boundaries and your hesitancy despite your now willingness to fully accept him.

“Please?” He asked again, with so much vulnerability leaking out of that single word.

But after these recent events and the fact he revealed the darkness of his life update to you, all you wanted was for him to feel safe.

“Do you wanna shower too? I have a spare towel, but I need to dig for larger-sized clothes.” You got up from the floor and started heading down the hallway to your room. “I think I brought some of my grandfather’s pajamas by mistake.” Your voice echoed through your apartment.

Though you didn’t explicitly say yes, Taehyung knew the answer, making him grin like an idiot as he watched your form disappear into the hall. He then crawled up to follow you. It took him a couple of seconds to see where your bedroom was located as it was the only door that was wide open with the lights on.

Once he entered, he noticed that the only furniture there was a neatly made blue-sheeted bed and oak dresser. The surface of the dresser was filled with books, a jewelry box, empty cans of Coca-Cola, and various miscellaneous items.

You were living a very minimalist life, he thought. When the two of you were younger, you always decorated your room. You had a multitude of plush toys on your bed given by your grandparents, his parents, other neighbors, and him too. You liked to plaster pictures of family, him, and art, and posters of your favorite artists on your wall, and displayed your rock collection that remained in one corner of your room.

Nothing in this room screamed “you.” It felt very temporary like you weren’t belonging to this place.

Taehyung then turned away from looking to spot you digging through your closet. He heard you let out an “umph” before you sat back on the floor with a red sweater and a matching-colored pair of plaid pants.

“I was right! I did bring a box of his clothes on accident!” You smiled when you looked up at the idol standing. “They were supposed to be donations, but I grabbed them by mistake and just kept them.” You raised the clothes to him.

The idol gladly took them into his hands and grinned. “You know your grandfather is a very tall man. I don’t know if I could even fit his clothes.”

“Nonsense, I think you’re as tall as him now. I mean it has been some time.” You got up from the floor and let out a sigh.

“How is he anyways? How has he been since your grandmother passed?”

They were harmless questions that Taehyung asked as simple curiosity and wanting to know how your family was doing. But those very questions made your smile drop into a sorrowful frown.

Taehyung stared at you questionably at the shift in your mood. It seemed like your brain was gearing up, trying to process what he said. He didn’t think it was anything bad but with the slight thinning of your lips with your nostrils flaring, he felt like he said something wrong.

But before he could even defend himself, you nodded casually as you put back a small grin. “Oh yeah, he’s fine. Same strong, gentle old man. Just been busy with the farm and everything. Just thinking about him working in his old age frustrates me, you know?” You were rambling, and it happens because of three things: you got nervous, angry, or you were hiding something.

Taehyung immediately knew the choices but didn’t speak further. It has been a rough night for him and probably for you now, so he didn’t want to add more stress. “He should retire soon, or pass the farm to you or someone else.”

“Yeah…” You sighed, already wanting to change the subject. “You should go shower. Towels inside the hallway closet and I have a spare toothbrush under the bathroom sink.”

The idol nodded, “Maybe, you should go first. It’s late, and a school night. You also have longer hair than me, so it’d take longer to dry.”

Completely forgetting that tomorrow you had a morning class, you mentally cursed yourself. It was close to one in the morning, and usually around this time, you’d still study but you didn’t have the mental capacity right now. You were exhausted and needed to get as much sleep as possible.

“Are you sure?” You asked.

“Of course, Blue. I don’t mind, you’re literally housing me.” He patted your head as you stared up at him.

Your eyebrows pinched before you formed a pout. “I told you to stop calling me Blue.”

“It’s a force of habit.” He shrugged before squeezing your cheek. “Do you know how hard it is for me to call you by your name?”

“It’s not as hard, you know. A normal person calls me by my name.”

“I don’t give a fuck if I’m not normal or not. Blue will forever be your name for me.”

Though you’d normally get angry or show some type of anger, you were forcing yourself to suppress a smile at what he said. A smile that he noticed, so he didn’t take it as seriously.

“Whatever, Taehyung.” You shook your head before gathering up your clothes to shower and change.

“That’s not my name for you.” He denied.

“I’m not saying it. I don’t want to.”

“Why not?” Now he was acting a bit playful, which you didn’t mind. “It’s Blue and Hyungie! Not ___ and Taehyung!”

“You can’t be serious. We had those nicknames when we were kids. We’re nearly in our thirties!”

“Does it look like I care if we’re almost thirty?” The idol reasoned once more. “You being Blue means so much to me. You, of all people, should know how much you mean to me.” He spoke gently when he explained himself, almost sensitive to this topic.

You didn’t know how to respond at that. Though you knew how much you cared about him, you didn’t know how much it was reciprocated back. You had partially low expectations now on how much importance you were towards Taehyung’s life.

So you honestly said, “No, I’m not sure about now…”

The devastation wasn’t enough to describe his expression. A bit of concern, a lot of worry, maybe even frustration. Whatever emotion there was, Taehyung felt worse, realizing the immense strain between you and him. You didn’t trust him, you didn’t know how much he cared and meant to you, it was almost as if every memory made was completely garbage to say the least. At least that was what he thought.

Before he could even say a sound, you quickly changed the subject. “I’m gonna go shower. Just make yourself comfortable.” You said in a rush as you collected some clothes and your towel hanging on the door knob.

Taehyung stood there dumbfounded and exhausted. There was too much to think about and all he wanted to do was not think. He just got to you, he shouldn’t be greedy with this.

While you showered, there wasn’t much for Taehyung to do. You lived in a rather infinite yet empty apartment. He roamed around your place about five times, so he was sure he saw everything you owned here.

Well, almost everything.

He was back in your room, eyes scanning the dresser. Items were still in the same position as he first saw them, but now he had more scrutiny, specifically for your jewelry box. It caught his eyes the most; it was worn down, graphics and patterns faded over time, yet still managed to keep its shape.

He soon realized it was the one his family gave you during a Christmas of your childhood.

The campfire that Taehyung’s father, Jitae, made blazed brightly outside in the back of their house. You, your grandparents, and his family surrounded the fire, taking in the warmth while being covered in jackets and snuggled in thick blankets provided by his mother.

While his siblings, with the help of his grandmother and father, were making s’mores and roasted marshmallows, you and Taehyung shared a blanket and sat in a large woven chair as he wrapped his skinny limbs around you for extra warmth and comfort. It was a relaxing Christmas Eve, and both families wanted to celebrate together because the more, the merrier. The bond was always strong between each other so it was only fair to do so with one another.

“Would you kids like to open one present before Christmas?” Taehyung’s mom, Miseon, asked with a smile. She already had two gifts while your grandmother had the other two.

The obvious answer was saying yes with immense joy in our tones. So when the two women distributed the presents, greedy hands from the Kim siblings snatched them right away. You, on the other hand, looked at his mom curiously when she gave you one.

“___, this is from us to you,” Miseon informed. “Gifts are never enough to show how much we truly love and care for you, dear. You’ve always been a great blessing to us.”

“HEY!” Sungyeon, the youngest of three, pouted. “That’s not fair!”

“Sungie, don’t be selfish.” Their mom scolded gently but her face showed all the strictness, which ultimately shut him up, and continued opening his toy. Then looked back at you with a more calmer and happier expression. “We hope you like it.”

Smiling, you proceeded to unbox your present. Unlike the others, the way you opened gifts was done in a very neat way. Peeling off the tapes on the sides, carefully slicing the wrapping paper, and sliding it off with precision.

Meanwhile, Taehyung shredded the paper.

You opened the lid which ultimately made you confused. You took it out and observed the outside of it. It was another box, yes, but it was light blue with gold accents around the surface, edges were also gold but felt like metal. The edges were sharp and crisped. Some of the gold engraved your initials on the top of the lid. It even smelled nice too.

You found the opening latch, which also had the option to put an additional lock on it. When you unlocked it, the top popped open surprising you in the process. Nevertheless, you were in awe. There were what appeared to be velvet containers and organizers within the box with a fairly decent mirror. But the thing that made you fall in love was the small ballerina pirouetting slowly as a toy box jingle of Swan Lake played.

“It’s a jewelry box,” Miseon explained to your confused ten-year-old self. “You can put your necklaces, rings, and bracelets in here for safekeeping. I know there’s that necklace your parents gave you and the bracelets you’ve been making.” You nodded as you unconsciously grabbed onto the flower pendant you still used and never took off. “You can put them in here, or any sentimental items you have.”

“Thank you, auntie! I love it.” You cheesed at the box. Anything they gave you, you always took it with pride and honor. Your grandparents watched with smiles as you touched and caressed your jewelry box. Taehyung even stopped to look at you and admire your gift, his present in his lap was long forgotten.

“You know ___, remember you can also call me mom.” Miseon reminded you. A while back, his parents asked permission from your grandparents if it was okay. Because you lost your parents at such a young age and the way you seamlessly meshed into their family, they both wanted to be there to support and love you as their own. Your grandparents were fine with it, knowing the trust that has been built through the years but it was only the matter if you’d accepted them.

“And call me dad.” Jitae chimed in as he sat on the edge next to you. You pursed your lips before nodding quietly, still not giving them a clear answer to their offer.

“Why do you want ___ to call you that?” Sungyeon asked with a hit of jealousy. “You’re our mom and dad, not hers!”

Then Eunjeong slapped the back of her younger brother’s head, making him wince in pain. “You dummy, don’t be mean! ___ doesn’t have parents, that’s why!” She meant well, but all the adults and Taehyung gasped, knowing how sensitive you were about the mentioning of your parents.

Taehyung slithered his arms around you before pulling you back into his body before you could even react, “Both of you, be quiet! I told you not to talk about that! Blue is sensitive, you know!”

“Now children, calm down.” Your grandmother stepped in, wanting to ease the tension between the angered eldest and the now frightened younger two. “Be careful with your words because they can hurt others. ___ does have parents, they’re just not here anymore. She knows that. And second—”

“It’s okay, grandma.” You interrupted your grandmother, making everyone crane their heads at you. You finally spoke after being silent, feeling it was right to do so. “Yeah, I know my parents are gone…I still miss them.”

“Blue, it’s okay. Cry it out.” Taehyung cooed, tightening his grip on you but his coddling made you laugh and shake your head before parting away from him.

“Hyungie, I’m not sad about it as much.” You reassured. “Besides, I have a family here!” You opened your arms, showcasing to those around you. “I have my grandparents…siblings…a best friend…” You turned to face his parents, showing all the love you had for them in your eyes. “Parents?” You said it so softly but it was enough for both of his parents to have tears in their eyes.

You got up from the chair to stand in front of Miseon and looked up at her. “I have a mom, but…you can also be my mom too.” You craned your head over to Jitae. “And you can also be my dad too!”

Your reveal made his parents rush to hug you with a strong yet welcoming embrace. You were squished between the two but felt the love they emitted.

Though you barely had time with your actual parents, you still held and thought of them very highly. You remembered what they did with you, how much love they had for you, and giving you what you wanted and needed. But the memories were fading as you grew older, the distance between them and you, their faces were only shown in pictures. It was harder since they weren’t physically here anymore.

You were finally willing to bring them in, willing for them to be part of your life from now on.

Sungyeon was about to protest but Eunjeong nudged him to be quiet to not ruin the beautiful moment.

Taehyung smiled at the innocent memory. You were always well loved by his family, his parents treating you as if you were their child and even taking care of you when your grandparents were busy. In some ways, his parents wanted you to be part of the Kim family.

His siblings seemed to love you more than they did with him, which never bothered Taehyung at all since he got to see that bright smile on your face.

Even after the falling, his parents or siblings would mention you from time to time, wondering if you were ever okay and doing well for yourself. They tried their best to contact you, but it seemed that you were incognito and keeping your distance. It hurt both ends, but at least they wanted the best for one another. You were also a memory for them since it’s been years since they last saw you or your grandparents.

Mindlessly, Taehyung opened the box which revealed pouches of earrings and necklaces and a row of rings. You know the typical items inside a jewelry box.

However, what caught his eye was a handmade craft he didn’t think he’d ever see again.

It was your friendship bracelet, also worn down, whithering over time, yet still intact. Despite a few chips, scratches, bumps, and a little piece of your initial charm missing, everything was there! He couldn’t believe that you still kept yours all this time. He never thought about you keeping yours, he assumed it was gone forever. But this was incredible for him.

Especially knowing that he too kept his.

It was kept in a box filled with childhood memorabilia inside his closet including the pictures of you and him through the years. Gifts, notes, letters, everything that he could bring to Seoul. During his training days, while everyone was asleep, he would read them late at night when he felt himself missing you.

Which was every day.

But after your friendship was over, Taehyung hid all those physical memories from everyone including himself. Though feeling so guilty and ashamed of his explosive younger self, he knew deep down he didn’t have the heart to throw away the box of you. Just the thought of it was a complete absurdity. He refused to erase anything of you.

Even now.

He had a sudden urge to open the box immediately once he gets home, without Clara of course. If she didn’t know shit about you, then she definitely won’t know about that box.

After washing up and getting ready for bed, the two of you were in pajamas. Taehyung sat on your bed, scrolling away on his phone. You went back to your closet, retrieving some thicker blankets. He heard ruffling before looking up to watch you retrieve one of the pillows on your mattress. You didn’t think much about giving up your bed for him, so you were getting ready to leave the bedroom before he stopped you.

“What are you doing?” He questioned, getting off of the bed to stand.

You stopped your track, giving him a confusing expression. “What?”

“Where are you going with that?” He worryingly nodded toward what you were carrying.

“Uhh, going to the living to make my bed?”

“Wha—___! Don’t do that.”

“Why not? I need to sleep somewhere.” You weren’t affected by this decision, but Taehyung begged to differ.

“Yeah, that’s why there’s your bed right here.” He said matter-of-a-factly.

“You’re the guest, Taehyung. You need to be comfortable.”

“I don’t feel comfortable with you sleeping outside of the bedroom.” He reasoned softly. “No offense, ___, but your living room looks lonely…”

You snorted, “I think you’ve mistaken lonely for poor.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“I’m teasing, Taehyung.” You rolled your eyes as you reassured him but he continued to look stooped and pouty. You decided to leave him be to walk your way to the living room. But before you can do so, Taehyung jogged up to you and took the blankets out of your hands. “It’s fine, I got th—wait, you’re going the wrong way!”

Carrying the fabrics, he settled them down on the bed. You followed behind and tried to get them back but he lightly pushed your face away. You were taken aback as you glared at him, having the urge to kick his shin but you held back.

“Don’t sleep in the living room. Stay here, I’ll sleep out there.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m gonna say no.” You ruthlessly shut him down.

“___!”

“No, Taehyung, you’re not sleeping out there. It’s rude for me to give you the floor, especially after your panic attack. I need you to feel cozy and secure.” You explained. “Do you still have trouble sleeping at night after an episode?”

“Y-yeah, but—”

“Exactly, so just take the bed. It’s already late, and I have class tomorrow. I don’t want to argue.”

Taehyung bit down on his lips, wanting to counter back. But he knew you were right. He always had trouble sleeping after his panic attacks. Even his doctor told him he needed to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible.

But the last time he felt that away after an episode was sleeping with Jimin, and the last other person to do that for him was you. And with you, it’s different.

“Fine, I’ll take the bed.” He ultimately gave in, which satisfied you. But then he said, “But if I need to be comfortable, then I don’t want you to stay in the living room. I’ll feel unsettled knowing you’re out there.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why?”

“I just am! I feel bad too, you’re uncomfortable in your apartment.”

“I’m not, I actually sleep on the floor from time to time, intentionally and unintentionally because I pass out after studying.” You simply said, but you don’t seem to get his point.

“Don’t sleep in the living room then.” He pressed onto you.

“Then where am I going to sleep? The bathroom?”

“Here.”

“What do you mean here?” You further inquired, wary of what he meant.

“I mean here.” He pointed down, motioning to the room. “You can sleep on the bed with me too…” Your eyes bulged out of the sockets, making him realize what he said. “Come on, I didn’t mean it like that! Just sleep! Just sleep.”

“Taehyung…”

“You don’t need to sleep on the bed, it was just a suggestion. I swear! Want you to be comfortable too.” He defended himself. “If not, at least sleep here on the floor.”

“Do you think that I would be comfortable sleeping here? What if I’m not? Even after you said that.”

Taehyung’s mouth opened then closed, struggling to gather his words. He didn’t think about that, and now he felt like an asshole wanting what he said. “D-do you feel uncomfortable at what I said? I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention. Really, I—Good night then. Sorry again.”

“Don’t be sorry, Taehyung. I get what you mean, and I’m not uncomfortable.” You promised, lightly smiling. “I don’t mind but I didn’t want to suggest it.”

“How come?”

“Are you really going to ask me that?” You rolled your eyes, thinking he wasn’t being serious. But when he stared curiously at you, he didn’t understand what you meant.

Today was too long for you. However, though you were exhausted, your mind was wide awake, recapturing all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. That also included what went through your head while you were away from him.

You didn’t want to have this conversation yet, but maybe this will make him understand how you feel and your boundaries. That way you’d feel a little lighter and not have to worry about it from now on. “Taehyung.”

“Hmm.”

You wanted to be direct, and as clear as possible. “Were you really trying to kiss me?” More forward than that. “Actually, scratch that. Why were you going to kiss me?”

Okay, he didn’t expect that to come out of your mouth, especially now. Yet he knew exactly what you were talking about. The question now was what was he going to say? How was he going to respond?

He thought long and hard as you anticipated his answer. “Uhh, I don’t know.”

You blinked, “you don’t know?”

“I…I don’t know, ___, or at least I don’t know how to put it into words.” He shook his head at himself, gathering his feelings. “I guess I was… at the moment? Look, ___, being with you always made me feel right. It reminded me of how we were. I’d hold you, kiss your forehead, temple, cheek, anywhere really.”

“So you were wanting to be like old times?” You wondered, still puzzled.

“Kinda? Well, now you know the shit I’m in, so hanging out with you felt like going back in time when nothing was like this. I felt so alive, and safe. Like I wasn’t V, but Kim Taehyung.”

That still didn’t answer your question, especially when you wanted to say that he was going for your lips than your cheek or head. It didn’t matter as much right now because he said something else that sparked your interest. “Our past was innocent and young, we didn’t know anything! That’s why it was like that and unfortunately, Taehyung, we’re older. Our younger selves would have never known what was happening with us and between us. We can’t sink into the sand of our memories. That’s how people aren’t able to move on.”

“I know, but all I want is to feel happy again and the only times I truly felt it was when I was younger.” He sounded like he was begging, but you didn’t know to who.

“How do you suppose to do that then? You can’t go back in time and relive your prepubescent self.”

He chuckled lowly, “I can’t go back, but I can make new memories. Hopefully, they’re happier and less traumatizing.”

“I do want you to have that too. Don’t think about happy memories, focus on happy experiences in the present.”

“Maybe, especially when you’re back.” He shrugged.

“Don’t say stuff like that.” You sighed, not wanting to hear that.

“I know, but knowing how you were in my past when I was enjoying life, helps to hope for those “joyful” experiences.”

You mumbled incoherent sounds before grabbing the blankets to prepare your makeshift futon next to the bed. Slumber was slowly getting to you and you wanted to mentally cry at the time—close to three in the morning and you had to wake up at six to get ready for your 8 AM class, then work. Yup, the day was nearing. Should you skip it? No, that would be a waste on your loans.

As you mentally prepared yourself for the morning, Taehyung got into the covers and cuddled with the single pillow he had for the night. His head could sleep without it.

He watched you place the layers of blankets down on the floor. As he did so, he recapped what you both discussed earlier. Now it was his turn to ask some questions, but he forgot to do something first.

“I’m sorry, ___.”

You finished the last layer before you turned, spotting him laying on his side holding a pillow. He too had the face of defeat, but yet he continued when you kept your silence.

“I’m sorry that I tried to kiss you. It wasn’t my intention to, I don’t know what came over me. Nonetheless, it still happened and it got you angry.” He explained, cautiously and neatly. “I also want you to know how much I value you and our relationship. I never want to hurt you. Even get you angry, but that always happens.” You nodded calmly, taking it all in. “I still want your friendship. I’ll do what it takes. Please don’t give up on us like that. I’m stupid, but I’ve been like that and I’m trying.”

Taehyung waited fearfully for your response. You appeared composed and unaffected, but that was probably because you were so tired to feel any rigorous emotions right now. You just wanted to go to bed, but you knew you needed to say something.

You closed your eyes and exhaled before peeling them open, “Taehyung…if I say yes, there need to be boundaries.” You finally replied.

His face scrunched at your request. “Like what? We’ve never had something like that before.”

“Well, it’s now. Don’t think about the past right now.” You shook your head. “We’re older, so there should be respectful walls between us.”

Taehyung nodded slowly, understanding your needs. “I’ll be respectful. I’m sorry again for trying to do that.”

“As long as it never happens again, and besides you have Clara, remember?” You mentioned, putting a distasteful expression on him. “You don’t wanna ruin your relationship over someone like me. Don’t wanna follow that same route again.”

Your words piqued his interest, “Again? What do you mean again?”

Fuck, you slipped that out so casually, exposing yourself in front of him like that. “Huh, oh, nothing. I…yeah, nothing.”

“___, it doesn’t sound like nothing,” Taehyung said, maneuvering himself to get a good look at you. He rested his elbows on the mattress, cupping his cheeks. He observed your avoidance, eyes roaming everywhere else instead of him. “___, what happened?” He had to think again. “If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t need to tell me. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping.”

You sighed, shaking your head. You finally gazed at him, his stare so attentive towards you. “You’re not overstepping…it’s just…I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try your best. Say it ugly if you have to.”

“When you tried to kiss me or something, I got triggered.” You tried to find the words, biting your lips as you thought about how to approach this. “I was…scarred in the past.”

Furrowing his eyebrows together, Taehyung questioned. “What do you mean? What happened? Were you okay?”

“It’s done and over, but it still makes me unsettled.” You explained. Taehyung waited patiently for you to continue. Though he stared in silence, his aura encouraged you to be vulnerable in front of him…like the old times when he made you feel safe and sound as you used to tell him everything.

Well, not everything.

“It was back in undergrad, but uhhh, when I was a freshman, I dated an upperclassman.” You exposed yourself. This was something you hated thinking and talking about, but it was also something that needed to be clear and said, especially to Taehyung.

You dated someone?? That surprised him. Not saying he never expected you to date, it just surprised him that you actually dated someone. He had so many questions—who was he? What did he look like? What was he like? Did he ever savor your glory? Did he ever laugh the way he did? Was he ever part of your story, one that Taehyung gave up on long ago? Did he fill in his part?

Then again, you said you were scarred, so that fueled some fire within him, getting irrationally upset about this unknown dude.

But he stopped himself and asked, “Wait, you did?”

You nodded calmly as opposed to his shocked yet steady demeanor. “He was a TA for a class. I asked for help, and it happened. He was sweet, nice to me, and brought me flowers a couple of times. Guess you can say he was my first boyfriend, well, a lot of my firsts…”

Taehyung frowned, his mouth curling down deeply. There were visions in his head he wanted to push away. “So what happened?”

“What he didn’t tell me was that he had a girlfriend.”

“Wait, so he cheated on you?!”

“No, he cheated on her with me.” You said flatly, but your heart squeezed from the visceral memory. You breathed in and out carefully, hoping you weren’t going to cry over something stupid years ago. You shouldn’t cry over that man. “I was the other woman, yet I did not know of it for like almost an entire year. No one even told me, so who knows if others knew this whole time.” Your fists clenched as you pulled your legs to your chest. “Eventually, she and I found out but she put all the blame on me and spread a rumor around campus that I was a home wrecker. They broke up, but I guess my reputation got destroyed. Or even worsen? I didn’t have any true friends even before that. Civil roommates, but that was it. Everyone knew me as the home wrecker so…”

You were also tired of crying about that horrific past, yet it still haunted you. When it happened, it felt like everything was your fault. What was worse was that you had no support system anymore. Everything you did, through college and other hardships, you felt incredibly alone and lonely. Those years truly felt the lowest for you.

The tears escaped without your permission, but you didn’t bother wiping them away because if you did, you’d acknowledge you were crying. But Taehyung wasn’t going to lay there and do nothing, so he scooted off the bed and sat next to your makeshift futon. He pulled you into him as you sniffled and the streams continued down your cheeks, also staining his shirt. He rubbed your back and wiped the tears for you.

“Taehyung, I promise this isn’t meant to guilt you but I wished you were still there for me.” Your lips quivered, breaking both of your hearts at your sad confession. “Everyone hated me. It was so hard without my best friend.”

Yet Taehyung felt the guilt eating him alive. He left you alone, with no one by your side to protect you. He wished he could cry because seeing you in this state would leave him sobbing like a baby, but it seemed the tears and overwhelming events restrained him from doing so. He hated seeing his Blue sad.

“I’m so sorry again. I still feel like shit about what happened.” He said, holding you tighter in his arms.

“It’s whatever already.” You sniffed, letting it go as it was the least of your concerns at this point. You quietly apologized for ruining his sleepwear, but he didn’t care. “It did hurt, but I’m sure you had your reasons.”

He did have his reasons, but it wasn’t the time to say so he nodded. “That’s horrible though, what you experienced. I’m sorry you had to go through with that.”

“I was a stupid teenager who didn’t know any better,” You reasoned. “I think I was too focused on the fact that someone actually liked and wanted to be with me. It was like a miracle.” You lightly joked at the end, but Taehyung took it seriously.

“Why’d you say that?”

“Taehyung, I wasn’t necessarily a catch, even back in Geochang.” You told him. “I mean my first kiss was even made into a joke. In general, I never had someone who truly loved me in that sense.” He stayed silent as he looked at your reddened face. You didn’t bother to notice his expression directed at you, as you went on. “When I was with him, it felt exciting at first. Only now I realized how much I kept saying yes to him because I thought he loved me and I didn’t want to make him upset.”

“Why?”

Your teary eyes met his hardened ones before you simply answered, “If I made him upset, then he’d leave me.”

The air grew slightly thick from your response. It was unintentional, yet intentional. You’ve said so much, yet so little. Taehyung realized now that there was much more you haven’t spoken about the in-between gap. While he spoke up, you chose to stay silent. Yet everything that has happened without him, like this experience, made a clear effect on you, and somehow also bit him in the ass.

He wanted to stir the conversation slightly, otherwise, the night will become light in no time. “You were still in Geochang, right?” You nodded tiredly. “Who was this fucking son of a bitch? Do you remember his name?”

“Kim Minjae.”

“Wait, I know that fucker. We were on the same soccer team. I’m gonna find him and bea—”

His response made you chuckle softly, patting his head in delight. Your smile eased his temper, despite biting his tongue. “Taehyung, it’s okay. You don’t need to do that because he got a teacher pregnant and is now working as a fisherman to pay his child support. I think he knows what he’s done.” The universe was on your side this time. You also remembered being flabbergasted but lowkey satisfied when that drama spread from the college to the entire town of Geochang. It was not pretty at all, but it got your name out of everyone’s mouth.

“Still, you were all alone and you went through that unnecessary shit.”

“Yes, but I overcame it. Well, not really. You just saw me cry over something that happened when I was 18. But my skin and heart are tougher, harder to break through.”

“Nah, I could poke you and know that you’re the biggest softie I know.” He cooed, causing you to roll your eyes but grin lightly.

“Anyways, I’m saying this because though we were friends again, we shouldn’t be so affectionate with each other.” You revealed. Though his touch comforted you, you pulled and moved away from him, giving some space in between.

But Taehyung appeared insulted and hurt. “Why? That’s how we always were.”

“Yes, but I’m sure no one else would understand.” You countered, scratching your neck. “Your members, friends, Clara, might get the wrong idea, and…I don’t wanna end up in that position again. Even though nothing’s happening between us and I’m sure your actions mean well, but for my sake. I-I’m scared.”

Was it asking for a lot? Maybe. But you needed to get it out of you. This may be a sudden realization as to why you weren’t as sure about bringing Taehyung back into your life. You’ve seen those articles and comments media and some fans put out for the world to see. People misinterpreted things all the time, or worse, warped them as bait to cause drama.

Though Taehyung understood what you meant, that didn’t mean he liked hearing it. He always took pride in your bond with him, something that no one ever quite understood and instead led to various assumptions. Yet most of the time didn’t bother to care and went along with your day.

Boundaries were never discussed, but that was only because they never existed between the two of you! Although if the memories weren’t mistaken, oftentimes, there were restrictions.

But this was slightly new territory for you and Taehyung. A rather comfortably uncomfortable situation. Nevertheless, it needed to happen to make this work for your strained relationship.

Taehyung sighed before nodding in agreement, “Okay, for you. But can I at least hug you?”

“Sure.” You shrugged. “Friends hug.”

“How about sleeping on the bed?”

“Taehyung, that’s pushing it.” You said sternly, suppressing the light grin on your face. Taehyung always did reason with you.

“Hey, I slept on the bed with my members and friends!” He argued back. “We even cuddled with each other.”

“Taehyung, I’m serious.” You groaned, raising your voice.

Taehyung laughed a hefty one out loud, almost sounding forced which frightened your irritable and tired state. You stared with eyes wide bewildering. “I’m sorry, but I’m getting tired of you calling me Taehyung.” He brought this up once again.

You raised an eyebrow and said, “It’s your name!” Seriously, why was he taking this so seriously? It was getting quite bothersome.

“But you call me Hyungie.” Taehyung sounded as if he was correcting you condescendingly. You were about to throw tired hands, but he continued. “And you’re my Blue. Look I know I keep bringing this up and you’re probably annoyed, but it shows the importance to me. You’re important to me! More than you know, and not doing it creates distance from us, which makes it so weird. I’ll try but I’m not used to it. I know you don’t trust me either, hell, I don’t trust me either but please have faith in me. Compromise with me!”

“Taehyung, we talked about this. I-I’m not ready for that, please understand. Little by little.” You wanted this to be over, at least for the night. It was late and you needed to get up early. “I’m trying, okay? I want to trust you, but again, there needs to be boundaries. I’m not doing this as a punishment.”

“But—”

“If it must happen, fucking just call me Blue. But I won’t call it back. No, absolutely not. I can’t.” You stood your stance, shaking your head. It was too much for you. “That’s my compromise and that’s final.”

The draining stare you offered him with no budge had him fear you slightly. You were always a scary one especially when you get upset with him. It was rare, well before, but it triggered him to stop his whining and give in to what you voiced out. It had to do for now…

“Okay, that’s fine…” He sighed as he dramatically turned his head to the side to stare at your dresser, pouting like a child. He wasn’t completely satisfied, but this was what he could get. Yet the faint grin plastered on lets him side-eye you in glee. “…Blue.”

You rolled your eyes once more before pushing him off your futon. He laughed as he crawled back into bed. “Okay, that’s settled so let’s go to sleep. I’m tired, I have to wake up early.”

“Are you sure about sleeping on the floor? The other side of the bed sure feels—”

“Taehyung, for the last time and I’m not fucking repeating myself, I’ll be fine sleeping down here. Take all the bed space or don’t, I don’t give a rat’s ass right now.” You snapped back, throwing whatever he had to “convince” you out the window. “Good night, okay? If you still have trouble sleeping, you can have my pillow too.” You grabbed your cushion and handed it to him.

“No, thank you. I need you to be comfy too.” Taehyung quickly denied it before getting into his sheets and hugging his pillow. “This is more than enough. Thank you for everything again. Thank you for opening up to me too.”

“You’re welcome.” You yawned widely as you scratched your head. “No problem with that…It was nice letting it out. Haven’t talked about that in a while. Hope tonight wasn’t that intense for you.”

“I’ve had worse nights.” He said lightly. “But man, Blue, no offense you probably have bad taste men.” He joked; the playful gleam sparked through his reddened eyes as he finally laid his back on the mattress.

“Don’t even talk about that.” You groaned, knowing he was probably right. You too laid down and were about to go to bed. “Don’t make fun of me right now, I’m sensitive.”

“Okay, I won’t. I promise.” He grinned, yet you stuck your tongue out to him. “Again, I’m sorry you had a bad first love.”

Now it was your turn to laugh forcibly to which Taehyung grew confused. “Luckily for me, he wasn’t my first love, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be caught dead with that assumption.” You scoffed as you closed your eyes. Sleep came sooner than imagined that you didn’t realize what you said, too drowsy to notice.

Suddenly Taehyung was energized again, curious about your statement. “Really? But you said you had so many firsts with him.”

“Dates, relationship, sex, heartbreak,” You mumbled languidly, listing while pondering the thought. “First love wasn’t on the list.”

“Then you had a first love?” He questioned.

You only let a groggy noise, but it confirmed his inquiry.

“T-then who was your first love?” For an odd reason, Taehyung felt nervous asking this. Despite being best friends, the two of you never discussed each other’s love lives. Well, there wasn’t any on both sides, to begin with. He knew about your first kiss before and first boyfriend just now, but never knew anything about this. Maybe it was someone within the ten years apart? But you would have mentioned it, right?

Judging by the timeline of this boyfriend, it was when you first entered college so you were still young and most likely eighteen. That could mean your first love was way before then. If he analyzed his thoughts deeply and if the timeline was correct, you might have loved someone when he was still around.

Then the question now was who?

But no answer came from the other end.

When he turned his head, he found you knocked out spreading arms with long strands all over your face. He figured how tired you were, having done physical, emotional, and mental labor through the whole day so he lets it be.

His hand reached out to push back your hair away from your face, revealing your soft and relaxed expression. Your nose scrunched at the touch, but back to its resting state. He watched your chest rise slowly, lips slightly apart with the low sounds of your snoring escaping your mouth. Yeah, you were definitely gone.

He grinned to himself before saying, “Good night, Blue.” His back ultimately pressed down to the fabric as closed his eyes. Once shut, he realized how badly he too needed to rest.

Despite that, the question remained in his head and led to his dreams.

Though rushing this morning, you carefully placed the delicious breakfast plate on the kitchen counter. You woke up a little earlier than usual so you could rush down to the nearest convenience store to get some breakfast for yourself and the sleeping Taehyung.

Well, more so for him. A protein shake and breakfast bar usually sufficed for you. After an intensive night, you assumed he needed some sort of joy in the morning, and what better way than to cook him chocolate chip waffles and cut strawberries on the side?

You never cooked this much even for yourself, but you weren’t complaining. You thought of this as a warming gesture and an apology for leaving him alone in your apartment. Which by the way, you were about to miss your bus ride if you didn’t leave within the next ten minutes.

You placed a metal food net over the dish, then wrote a little note for him and placed it under the cover. You went back to your bedroom to retrieve your backpack and textbook but also noticed Taehyung sprawled out like a starfish on your bed. He held a pillow to his side while the other one was under his head and was placed by you when you woke up. You also added another layered blanket for him. You spotted his signature pout resting on him with his curled strands falling on his forehead.

The sight of his slumber had you smile pleasantly, relieved that he slept soundly and comfortably the night through. Granted, a little over four hours have passed since the two of you snoozed away but you still considered it a win.

He’ll manage around your living spaces without you and would most likely leave an hour or two after. You didn’t have much to entertain him here. You also won’t come back until late in the nighttime after your shift anyway, so who knows when will be the next time you’ll see each other?

But you hoped that it wouldn’t be as long as before.

Taehyung woke up in an empty apartment. Your makeshift futon had been folded and tucked in the corner near the closet. This morning was rather cold. He noticed one of the blankets you used on top of him and your pillow under his head. You did all of that without even waking him; though he was too deep in sleep to even hear you.

Once he brushed his teeth and splashed his face with some cold water, he walked towards the kitchen. Sunlight peaked through your window and reflected over the whiteness of your walls and somewhat empty apartment.

As he scoured around, he finally spotted a metal cover on the kitchen counter. He went over to pull it up, revealing the waffles with melted whipped cream and strawberries. Immediately, his mouth watered at the sight. He didn’t know how long it had been out, but he didn’t care any less. It was close to noon and he needed something to eat.

He then saw a note next to the plate. Picking it up, he read—“Sorry for leaving you here alone! I didn’t want to wake you. I have early classes and then I’m going to work. I won’t see you today (unless you stop by at the shop). Please enjoy your breakfast and I’ll see you soon! :) P.S. Feel better too <3<3!”

A smile crept up on his face, chest warming up at your kind gesture. He appreciated that in you. You probably had a busy morning, which surprised him that you had the time to make this.

Nonetheless, he devoured his breakfast, a little cold and mushy but the taste surpassed expectations. While he savored the last of the sliced fruit, he noticed all these unread messages, missed calls, and voicemails from Clara. He grimaced deeply. All her messages were repeated lines of “Where tf are you?” “Why aren’t you picking up?” “Who are you with? Seojoon oppa??” “I called Seojoon oppa and he says you’re not with him. Tae, where are you?!?!? And who??” “You shouldn’t have gone without me knowing!” and “Tae, I swear to God if you don’t pick up, I’m calling the police.” The last one typically held no threat because he knew she threw that in a bunch of that through the years.

He didn’t even bother going through voicemails because they’ll be repetitive and hearing her whining voice was not something he wanted to hear. Everything was so peaceful and relaxed for him up until now. Ugh, he was frustrated, his mood ruined by her constant bickering and overpowering control.

Right there, he decided to ignore it all. Knowing her, she was either working or probably at their shared house waiting viciously for him to come back home. Thus the idol decided to not go home and headed over to Seojoon’s.

The younger man knew his older friend had a day off—his Wooga Squad had a shared calendar to know their schedules. What better way to spend his day than to bother Seojoon.

“Bro, where the fuck were you last night?” Seojoon questioned as he plotted on his couch with Taehyung spread comfortably on the side of him, both had strawberry and banana smoothies on hand provided by the idol. “Clara called me like five times in panic wondering where you were.”

Taehyung sipped on his drink quietly and casually before rolling his eyes. “It seems she always runs to you when she needs help trying to find me.”

Seojoon kept a glare at his friend, shaking his head. “Duh, because you fucking disappear like Houdini.” He gulped his smoothie before proceeding. “Also I guess she’s more comfortable with me than the others.” He referred to Wooshik, Hyungsik, Sunghwan, and Joohyuk.

The idol eyed his friend, hardening his bothered stare. “Right…she’s not as close with them, I guess.”

“So are you gonna tell me where you went?” The actor settled his drink on the coaster on his coffee table. “How about this? Did anyone else know where you were?”

Taehyung bit his lip, contemplating if he should tell him. His panic attacks weren’t a secret. He was open enough to tell his friends about his experience episodes but none of them ever were there to see it happening. But the idol might as well tell it, right?

“Yeah, I was with ___ last night.”

Seojoon cocked an eyebrow as a wave of questions flooded his brain. But he only asked, “What happened?” He didn’t want to say beyond what he thought.

“Well, we made up.” Taehyung leaned forward, hunched over as he looked at his smoothie. “Uhh, there was more to it.”

“How so?”

“Last night, I got, uh, hammered.” The idol began. “To the point where I got into a fight.”

“Oh my God, Taehyung! Are you okay?” Concern washed Seojoon’s face as he scanned through his friend’s features, then he saw the bruising of his knuckles. “You don’t look too bad, but still. You broke your streak, you were doing so well. How did it happen?”

“Same thing on how most of my fights happen,” Taehyung huffed.

“What led you to that then?”

“I don’t know…I was really sad and hurt, and I hated what was happening with me and ___.”

“But you said you made up.”

“Yeah, after she found me knocking three dudes down, then I threw up and had a fucking panic attack.” The younger man sighed, using his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “It was the worse one yet.”

“Oh, Tae.” Seojoon’s voice softened. “Did you manage?”

“More than manage because she was able to help me get back down.” The idol also settled his drink down before meeting his friend’s eyes. “I was still scared, so I didn’t wanna go back home and asked her if I could stay the night.”

Seojoon nodded softly, going into deep thought. “Anything else?”

“I told ___ about my shitty life, literally everything.” Well, almost everything. “If I wanted her to still be in my life, I didn’t want to hide that part, or whole, of me. ”

“How’d she take it?”

“Pretty well, I guess. She opened up to me too.”

“Well, that’s good…” The actor did his best by being supportive, but he was also a worried friend. “Did you tell Clara this? She’s probably worried sick.”

“No,” He scoffed. “Pissed me off with all her calls and text.”

“Taehyung, you know she’s concerned for you. Even if she’s gonna be more in distress when you tell her about your panic attack, she’ll understand.” Seojoon reasoned.

“No, she won’t.” Taehyung disagreed. “Because all she’ll ask was where I was, and if I tell her I was with ___, she’s gonna flip shit. She can’t even handle my panic attacks, so in my head, it’s like what’s the point?”

“Why are you making this difficult?” The older man complained yet it was said in a collected way that Taehyung never deflected on yet.

“Because she’s difficult and will never understand my perspective.”

“Aren’t couples supposed to have good communication? What’s wrong?”

His relationship never had the greatest communication, he couldn’t lie about that. But for the past year, it has gotten worse despite the somewhat progress Taehyung achieved. Her presence was getting too much for him. It overwhelmed all aspects of his being. He never felt like he had a rest from it. Something always happened and either side, mainly him, got drained.

He needed to get away.

Suddenly Taehyung had an idea, disregarding Seojoon’s question. “Hyung, can I ask you a favor or two?”

“So you never bothered to answer my calls, had me anxious, then you fucking come home after disappearing for almost an entire day with no clear explanation, and now you’re telling me this?”

Taehyung’s jaw clenched, pushing down what he wanted to yell as he continued to pack his luggage. “Fine, you want an explanation—I had a panic attack and I didn’t want to be home, so I rested at Seojoon’s house.”

Clara’s anger diminished went she heard those words. She started looking at him pitifully, which Taehyung never wanted from her. “Oh, Ta—”

“Save it.” He interrupted as he finished packing his clothes. “While being away, I realized that I need space.”

“W-what do you mean?”

He breathed out annoyed as he threw back his head to calm himself. “When I have panic attacks, you don’t know how to deal with them or even help me properly. You just fucking leave while I’m over there alone.”

“W-w-well, I want to but you told me to just leave you alone!” Clara tried to defend herself.

“Because saying the words ‘calm down’ and ‘relax’ to a distressed and anxious person is not helpful. Better to be alone than to hear that crap.” Taehyung responded as he left the bedroom to grab his beauty products from the bathroom, but not without Clara following his tail. “Besides the point, I realized something or I’ve been realizing.”

“What?”

“I know I’m not the best communicator, but I’m getting sick and tired of you breathing down my neck. If I don’t even talk to you for like an hour, I get hit with two hundred calls from you. You were never one to be needy. Why now?” His voice was stable and direct like he had practiced. He grabbed his items, then went back to the room.

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?” Clara scoffed as she walked behind him.

“Well, it feels like it.” He muttered as he put his products into pouches. “I can’t do anything without you watching my every move. I feel like I can’t be me right now, especially in my home.”

“So what then? Is that all that you’re going to say?”

“No, like I said I need space, which is why I need time away from you.” Once he had everything, he zipped up his luggage and pulled it to stand up. “I’m going to stay with Seojoon Hyung for a while. I need this.”

He then remembered something. He rushed to his closet and rummaged through his clothes and shoes before discovering his box filled with old memories. He quickly uncovered the lid and searched through many memorabilia including the pictures of the members and you. Finally, he found what he was looking for—his friendship bracelet.

Old, scruffed, but surprisingly, in pretty good condition where Taehyung puts in on and admired the handmade accessory for a while before he took a couple of childhood pictures of you and him for the road. He sneaked them in his pants pocket, then went back to his baggage.

Meanwhile, Clara was too busy with her feelings and thoughts to even question what Taehyung was doing. “Are you breaking up with me?” She asked in a whisper. “Please don’t. We can make this work. We—”

“No, I didn’t say that. I said I needed space. I wanna be by myself.”

“But you’re with Seojoon Oppa.”

“He has his own things to do, so I won’t even know he’s there,” Taehyung responded as they headed towards the hallway into the living room to get to the front door. “Remember a couple of sessions ago when my therapist told me to try and be alone since I get overwhelmed by the slightest of things?” She nodded. “Well, I want that right now. This is all too much for me. I’m not at my limit, but it’s getting there.”

Clara pursed her mouth. They both knew she didn’t like this one bit. She finally had Taehyung around, enjoying his presence and it was being taken away from her by the same man. But if this needed to happen to make this work, then so be it.

“If that’s what you need, then I’ll give it to you.” The socialite willingly accepted. Of course, either way, Taehyung was still going to do it. “But at least call me while you’re away.”

“Clara…” They reached the front door, now facing each other. One looked desperate while another looked depleted.

“Or at least text me! A simple good morning and a good night is fine too!” She pouted, still wanting a smidge of contact with her boyfriend.

Taehyung exhaled. Now he was taking pity on her, but in this case, she liked it. “Okay, fine. Good morning and good night. No more, no less. I’ll be okay and safe. If anything, call Seojoon if you need more updates.” He patted her head gently, staring blankly.

“I’ll miss you.”

“…Miss you too.”

“I love you, okay?” She tippy-toed to kiss him on the lips before hugging him tightly.

Taehyung reluctantly reciprocated it back, embracing his girlfriend for the last time in a while, “Okay, love you too.”

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