#byzrambles

[byz-was-here]

A fun thing to do with friends who draw art of speculative biology fauna is to play a game I like to call:

"Clade that animal"

You assume the role of a biologist, and your friend shows you a speculative critter that they drew. You ask what biome it lives in, how big is it, and one free question.

You then must write a description of the animal, its diet, lifestyle, niche, and a fun encounter between the creature and yiur biologist if you feel like it.

Bonus points if you add a scientific name.

Then your friend tells you how right/wrong you were.

[byz-was-here]

I want you to imagine:

Hewkii having so much difficulty describing his relationship with Macku to Gresh and

Gresh's just: "Oh, yeah, Dating."

And out of nowhere Macku grabs him by the shoulders and spins him around and yells "THERES A WORD FOR IT?"

Gresh's invited to their wedding two weeks later

[byz-was-here]

I think the reason the Toa Inika look mostly samey aside from masks, weapons, and color schemes is that none of them registered that they'd been toafied until after they landed.

They weren't thinking about the ideal toa form at all, so the red star just went "Oh well, default mode it is. -ZAP-"

HOWEVER

When they became the toa mahri after a zap from the mask of life, they absolutely had a mental image of what the ideal toa should be, and THAT'S why they look so different.

Kongu became a juggernaut

Hewkii turned into conan the barbarian

Hahli ended up a valkyrie

Nuparu turned into what I can only describe as an underwater stealth bomber

Matoro- well. He's a beanpole. can't help that.

And Jaller is just... a guy. Tahu must have really lowered his estimates, huh.

[byz-was-here]

I want to see Sokka having a moment of horrible realization as it finally clicks that Zuko's Uncle is the Dragon of the West.

He's gone through (most of) the whole story mentally filing Iroh as "That old guy who always followed the angry jerk," but I don't think it's ever set in that "Zuko's Uncle" equals "Fire Lord's Brother" equals "Dragon of the West"

I'm imagine one day he's tying a fishing lure or something and he just suddenly goes

[byz-was-here]

Okay but

When the Mata Nui matoran returned to metru nui

Did any of them actually listen to Dume? Or did they just treat him like an old man yelling at clouds and just go ask their real turaga instead.

[byz-was-here]

A group of bohrok should be a called a disaster.

An avalanche of Kahlok

An eruption of tahnok

A flood of gahlok

An earthquake of nuhvok

A landslide of pahrak

A spill of Lehvak

In this essay I will-

[byz-was-here]

Jaller is a fun character because he starts out as

And then he ACTUALLY DIES.

And then he comes back, and just goes

"Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just want to go apeshit?"

And he has God's braincells go on strike, correctly assumes that the missing toa are in over their heads, and Decides that he, a short-ass general who had one vacation in 1,000 years and DIED at the end of it- is gonna personally drag the nuva out of whatever they've gottent themselves into. He's not completely stupid, so he takes along an Air Force Pilot, a Mad Scientist, 2 Sports Stars, His friend the prophesied glitter hero with the care bear stare, and, as an added fuck you to the turaga, The Only Person Both Able And Willing to translate for Turaga Nuju.

Jaller has lost his ability to give a fuck and he's going to make it everyone's problem.

[byz-was-here]

Because no one asked,

Here's how I would do a transformers series:

1) emphasize the disguise

They're robots in disguise. Its in the tagline. Make the bots and cons fight each other while trying not to be noticed.

Why would world conquering deceptions stoop to hiding from puny organics?

Easy. Skew the matchup. If its 8 billion nuclear armed monkeys vs 5-10 alien robots, even ol megsy ain't gonna take those odds.

The Autobots have an even easier reasoning: follow the prime directive.

2) Shipwreck everyone

Why can't the bots/cons just call for reinforcements?

They crash landed. That's why. Everyone's in stasis or injured. Callback to G1 where they spent 4 million years in sleep mode under a volcano. Maybe not *that* long but it would explain why no one noticed two alien starships smacking into the planet. No one was around to see it. Macguffin event happens, a couple bots and cons wake up, and they realize that a wholeass civilization popped up during their nap.

3) Civilian autobots

Why did they come to earth?

As is usually the go to answer: Cybertron's f*cked. Solution: Autobots dig out a *really* old and obscure planetary survey, find a decent enough planet, Optimus takes a bunch of scientists and engineers on a colony ship and they go off to found New Cybertron. Survey said the place was uninhabited, so it's free real estate. (Humans were probably still debating whether or not coming down from the trees and walking on 2 legs was a good idea when the Cybertronian scouts did the survey)

Soundwave does his soundwave thing, finds out, Megatron loads up a warship, and they shoot each other down on prehistoric earth. Meanwhile, a caveman named grug figures out mr fire is your friend.

Point is, you've got one side that's a bunch of scientists, engineers, and other civilians (The Autobots)

And the other that's almost all elite combat troops (the Decepticons)

But, because of the first two issues, the cons can't take advantage of it. Otherwise they alert the Humans and someone with an itchy trigger finger drops a thermonuclear warhead on the stranded nemesis.

And if a human does discover the Autobots? Imo a civilian is more likely to break the rules and play nice than a trained soldier.

4) nobody wants to stay here

The Autobots originally planned to colonize earth, sure. That was before they got shot down, locked into stasis for who knows how long, and woke up to see an entire sapient civilization spring up from nowhere during their nap.

Optimus is Optimus, so it's plan B: freedom is the right of sentient beings, so we fix the ark and found new Cybertron somewhere else. Ideally, the human race won't realize they were ever here.

The Deceptions only care about crushing the Autobots and getting off this corrosive rock. Unless they can call home and summon an armada, it's just not *worth it* to pick a fight with humanity.

6) things I'd like to see

-Skyfire/Jetfire

Jetfire being one of the scouts, getting frozen in a callback to G1, and being found and thawed by some human scientists. He's just living his best life in a hidden lab, and only mildly worried about why Cybertron isn't answering his calls. Oh hey Starscream! When did you get the tattoo? (It's a bad breakup)

-Swindle

Our dystopian capitalist nightmare is Swindle's daydream paradise. He absolutely loves earth. #1 fan. He probably makes connections to the mob. Good times.

-Nightbird

Local mechanized AI (or ghost in the shell cyborg) has an emotional crisis, joins the deceptions. Beats up any Cons that disrespect her. No notes.

-Dinobots

"Wheeljack, why do our new security drones look like...that?"

"So there's this earth movie called "Jurassic Park"..."

Later:

"Wheeljack?"

"Yes optimus?"

"What happened to the sparks that we had in stasis?"

***Tyrannosaurs roar*** Me Grimlock Smash! (Panicked Decepticon screaming)

"Never mind, I think I figured it out."

-one sane adult human

Obvs theres a couple teens who pal around with the Autobots. There should be at least ONE adult in their early 20s as part of the group who's forced, however unwilling, to be the sole voice of reason. Aka: "I'M NOT TELLING YOUR PARENTS YOU GOT SQUISHED SNEAKING INTO AN EVIL ROBOT SPACESHIP"

"Then who's gonna pull off the rescue?"

"I AM!" (They instantly regret this decision, but They're at least old enough to make it)

-Shockwave as a late series villain

Shockwave has had command of the Decepticons ever since Megatron's Ill fated disappearance chasing after the Autobot Ark.

Having him return and upset Shockwave's centuries of effort holding onto the planets in the Deception Empire would be... Unfortunate. Perhaps it would be better if he stayed dead.... It's only logical.

[byz-was-here]

There's 42 flavors of kraata power and every single one is BULLSHIT

[byz-was-here]

Imagine being the Bahrag.

Ok, hear me out.Say you work at , say the white house.

You’re the head of sanitation (along with your sister who also has the same job as you).

You get a notification that says, “Hey, time to do the landscaping.” So you get your crew together, and send them out to cut grass, pull weeds, trim shrubs or whatever. 

And then suddenly a bunch of secret service agents jump out of the bushes, and beat up your workers out of nowhere.

Understandably, you’d be very confused.

Then they kick down your door (after stealing your employee's keys to get in)

And THEN you realize these are the president’s PERSONAL secret service agents, and you’re even more confused, but you don’t have time to talk or ask questions because right now they’re beating the crap out of you ...and now you’re duct taped & Zip-tied to your sister (who also is co-head of sanitation and is as lost as you are), and then they leave you stuck on the floor of your office trussed up like a turkey without a single word.

Eventually You manage to fumble for your phone and call some upper level employees who were off today to come and get you because What, and I cannot stress this enough, The Fuck.

Except the Secret Service squad breaks into your office AGAIN once your employees find you and throw them all out a fucking window. and then they just. Leave. Again. 

With you tied up to your sister sitting on the floor. And you still don’t have a clue as to what the fuck is going on. 

And THEN. after who KNOWS how long, the Secret Service guys walk back in and go, “Uh, well this is awkward, but uh. We need you to finish landscaping now.” 

You can practically HEAR the curb your enthusiasm theme playing in the background. 

[byz-was-here]

Screaming about how I have to go through the process of making a twitter so I can @ YouTube and tell them to fix their brokenass search

Because its literally the ONLY way to contact them unless I'm filing a copyright claim and I can't even send tweet.

I hate the enshitification of the internet so much and I want to forcibly tar and feather every CEO responsible, the gibletheaded moneygrubbing cuntwaffles!

[byz-was-here]

I find it immensely satisfying and slightly hilarious that Velika, a great being, ostensibly snuck into the Great Spirit Robot/Matoran universe to manipulate it from within and just...

Literally went straight to hell. Not even joking. You cannot tell me that Velika intentionally landed himself in Karzahni, got his matoran body taken apart and shoddily rebuilt, and ended up with power tools for hands on purpose.

You cannot tell me that this guy spent 100,000 years on the barren mess that is the southern continent going "Ah yes, all according to plan."

An excellent scientist does not a good stratigest make.

[byz-was-here]

I have precicely zero evidence to back this opinion up but

The Toa Metru were probably the greatest team of toa in the entire Matoran Universe.

This is not because they're the most powerful, (that's the toa nuva)

Or the oldest (Lesovikk's team), iirc the Metru were only toa for 3 years, tops.

It's because every. single. one. fights dirty, is completely unpredictable, or is just completely unhinged.

They're toa speedrunners.

They punched through the GSRs face

They took the entire population of metru nui, the largest city in the matoran universe, and flew them somewhere else.

They got the visorak horde to just get up and go home, while outwitting the most notorious backstabber in the known universe

They sucker punched the master of the xanatos gambit Makuta Teridax.

Vakama held the concept of time hostage.

They found Ko Metru's bigfoot and got him to casually un hordika them and fight the visorak

They may be dysfunctional as hell, but I dont think anyone could have gotten away with half of what they managed.

I dont think any other toa team would even believe everything the toa metru did.

Admittedly most of the crazy is Vakama's doing, but still. Wild.

And to cap all of that off, Almost no one knows that they even freakin existed.

[byz-was-here]

Takanuva should have been allowed to go with the future Mahri to voya nui.

Imagine Takanuva just going "Solar flare!" and blinding Karzahni so his friends could escape in the canisters

Takanuva having to share one and finding out that it's now VERY CRAMPED somewhere along the ride.

Takanuva smiling his mask off seeing the rest of the matoran as toa (Weird zappy toa but still)

Takanuva and Jaller constantly bickering over who's in charge.

"I'm captain of the ta koro guard!"

"Well I've been a toa longer!"

"For what, two weeks?!"

Takanuva also having grabbed Jaller's Hau back so we get to see THAT inika-fied.

(Whether takanuva gets inikafied is up for debate.)

THINK FAST, CHUCKLEHEADS! Takanuva constantly blinding the piraka.

Velika staring at takanuva thinking "Of course it's that one that ended up as a toa."

Takanuva, to Umbra: "You're the guardian. the guardian for the ignika. The guardian made of light specifically to guard the ignika, that guardian. ...Yeah I think I've got this one."

[byz-was-here]

One thing I feel we absolutely got cheated on with bionicle, is that we never actually saw anyone get to enjoy that sweet post reformation peace.

Of course there's the inevitable confusion and mild chaos from two fundamentally different types of organisms trying to build a society from the ground up-

But I want too see everybody just... take up a hobby or passion project now that for the firts time in millenia, they can.

I want to see Hewkii organize the first Spherus Magnan Kohlii League.

I want to see Takanuva discover the joys of community theater.

I want Onewa to open a sculpture studio.

I want to see Whenua and Kiina go full indiana jones together because you know they'd do it.

I want to see Nokama pick up teaching again, not to keep any remaining knowledge from being lost to time, but to actually inspire students to learn and grow.

I want to see Jaller take his first Vacation in 1,000 years. Ackar too.

And for the Nuva, give them the time to explore and actually make hobbies to enjoy!

I want Nuparu to open up a workshop and become the Nikola Tesla of bionicle that he deserved to be.

Let Kongu start a darn gukko ranch.

Just, let them rest. please.

Oh, and Nuju should be followed by curious Agori kids who want to learn to speak bird.

[byz-was-here]

The Chronicler's company being transformed into toa, but no one's element is what they expected.

Six Matoran touch the Toa stones at kini nui as they guard the Toa Mata's escape route from Mangaia and get WAY more than they bargained for.

Toa Kapura blinks and suddenly every Magnet on Mata Nui goes haywire.

Toa Macku yelling because suddenly everyone's thoughts are in her head all at once

Toa Tamaru secretly being relieved that she doesn't Immediately start flying, and then all the plants around her grow up to ten feet high and burst into bloom.

Toa Hafu laughs- but the joke stops being funny when his Carving tools get metalbent when he tries to activate his powers over stone.

Toa Taipu looks thoughtful as he picks up a rock, and then calmy watches it drift weightlessy into the sky like an untethered balloon.

Toa Kopeke is silent for a long time. Then, without a word, they zap a stray Infected Rahi with a lightning bolt.

Once Takua picks his jaw up off the ground, he probably says something like, "At least I'm still a normal Ta-Matoran, thank Mata Nui."

...No one lets him live that comment down after the whole Mask of Light incident.