#by which I mean I am working Saturday instead LOL

[ace-and-ranty]

Who is HYPE for Stardew 1.6!!! THIS BITCH.

[normalgirlnextdoor]

Alpha 141! X Omega reader??

Hii! I don't usually post my writing, but I had this idea and wrote up a draft/demo of and idea i have. Let me know what yall think and if you want to see it continued! Reblog if you like it please! Also I didn't really edit it, sorry lol!

You tapped away on your mechanical keyboard, the clicky sounds saving you from the quiet boredom that came with running your base's front desk. Running it of course was your punishment for.. Well lets just say when tensions get high you struggle to keep your mouth shut. And it just had to be today that you get dished this punishment. The day one-four-one was assigned to come in, you know to check the place out, see if there was a ‘missfit’ to take on their team. 

You see, you unfortunately work at a special “military”' base, military used lightly as it's not really used for the government to have soldiers willing to fight, but actually to protect the government from lethal beings that could be useful military weapons. You and everyone else, including your current captain, have very dark reasons for why you’re in here. The only way you specifically could get out of the hellish base was if your true mates, yes mates with an “S”, came for you. Legally the government cannot keep anyone from their true mates, but considering you definitely had four, you had a snowball chance in hell of them coming to you. 

Letting out a loud dramatic sigh you looked over your writing. Paperwork was the bane of your existence. Rubbing your eyes you go back to typing the latest mission report; only to be interrupted by the large military doors swinging open with a slam. In came five different, clearly not impressed people. Four out of the five are men, built like true military muscle heads, while the fifth was very fit female. Taking a deep breath you slip into profession mode, choosing to address the women instead of the four intimidating alpha males.

“Hello! Can I please get your names, ids, and the reason why you are here?”  Your voice was overly sweet, sweeter than it usually was.

“I’m Kate Laswell with one-four-one. John-”  she tossed her head to the side.

“Oh, of course you are,” You dropped the cute assistant act, pulling back into a neutral look. Blowing air through your nose you started to type a quick check in for the special operation group one-four-one. Laswell gaped at you.

“Okay,” You flicked your head up rather fast, causing your dog tags to clink with your military issued scent blocking collar.

“You guys are good,I’m Bite risk by the way,” you inform them that you yourself are on the team they will be montering, before telling them where to go. Laswell smiled at you, tipping her head in thanks as she strutted down the hall. One-four-one on the other hand, took their time analyzing you as they passed by. As the last and largest one, the one with the warm looking skullmask, passed by you rolled your eyes, going back to your mission report. 

“Sir, I’m aware that you want to see your daughter and I am deeply empathetic to what you're going through right now. But unless you show me your Id, I won't be able to even let you into the security system for public visit days, which as I said are: Saturdays, Sundays and specific holidays,” your absolutely fed up. Your team including one-four-one, who are currently coming down the hall to collect you, could even tell just by the stressed undertone of your voice.

“I’m not going to show some barracks bunny my id! I want to see my daughter! Now let me in! I served in world war two! I don’t deserve this disturbing treatment from some omega floozy! You have no idea what it means to work in the military! You're just some whore-” A loud crash.  Your captain quickly ran into the lobby, quickly ripping you off the disrespectful older man. Thankfully she was quick enough to prevent him from leaving with a deep bite scar. Your eyes glowed red as you tried to throw her off, but she kept her hold on you, even as you dug your elongated claws into what skin you could reach. 

“Fang! Get him out of here!” She commanded one of your team mates. As he was being escorted out your captain shoved your face into the crook of her neck, letting out a strong calming scent. You drank it up, forcing your feral omega down. Meanwhile task force one-four-one silently watched. Genuinely surprised how quick things escalated in only the first three hours of their two week observation. 

“Well, this is going to be interesting,” Price said, his thick British accent quickly catching your omegas' attention, red eyes looking over to the entire team. Interesting indeed you thought. 

[minniethemoocherda]

Just A Friend To You

A/N: Thank you so much to @pkmndaisuki for agreeing to be my beta reader for this fic! I never would have spotted any of my spelling mistakes otherwise lol! Please go check out their amazing X-men art! I hope you guys enjoy the fic! I know I don't post that frequently but I am trying my best to help keep this ship afloat! Xxxxxx

Ao3

FF.net

From across the diner, Morph watched as Jubilee and Roberto inched ever closer to one another, neither of them quite yet taking to leap to touch.

Ah, the perils of young love, Morph thought. Although it wasn't as if the perils of love stopped once you became an adult. Something that they knew all too well as they turned their attention to the man sitting opposite them.

When Logan had learnt that the two teens were going on a date, he had demanded that he chaperone them. After many protests, Jubilee had agreed, on the condition that Morph also came along to make sure Logan didn't stab anyone, namely Roberto.

Which was how Morph came to find themselves that Saturday afternoon, watching a date, whilst on a not-date with the man they were in love with.

Most times when they and Logan were hanging out they would be roughhousing, or watching TV, or playing basketball. But here there was nothing to do but just enjoy each other's company. It was nice.

Morph wore their usual human form but with dark jeans and a pink crop top that they may or may not have borrowed from Gambit's wardrobe.

Wolverine was reluctantly wearing a buttoned shirt, because Jubilee had demanded that if he insisted on stalking them then he should at least look presentable. Morph was pretty sure that Logan had stolen his shirt too, probably from Scott, especially given that it was at least three sizes too small for him. He'd had to roll up the sleeves to hide how short they were and left the two buttons undone as it wasn't wide enough to fit across the expanse of his chest. Not that Morph was complaining about the view.

Nor were they complaining about the sweet potato fries that came with their burger.

"You should try one of these," Morph told him as they dipped one of those said sweet potato fries in ketchup.

The next second, Logan leant over the table and bit the one that Morph had been holding between their fingers. Which under different circumstances could have been romantic, but instead reminded Morph of when their old family dog would steal scraps of food from the table.

"I didn't mean that one you animal!" Morph cried, throwing a fry at his face.

But Logan bit that one too, catching it in his mouth, which then spread into a wide grin. With the ketchup dripping from his teeth onto his white shirt, he really did look like an animal.

In retaliation, Morph stole one of his onion rings which Logan protested with a "Hey!" But didn't otherwise complain.

Of course, that was when Roberto finally got the courage to make a move and draped his arm over Jubilee's shoulder.

Morph heard the familiar snikt of Logan drawing his claws from under the table.

"Calm down Wolvie." Morph said, reaching under the table to wrap their hand around his wrist. "I doubt he's gonna try to jump her in the middle of a diner. And even if he did, Jubilee can handle herself."

"She sure can." Logan said, his snarl turning into a proud smirk as he put his claws away.

Now, Logan might say that he didn't like kids, but Morph had seen how he interacted with them.

He always gave into Jubilee's demands to go shopping, or play video games with her, no matter how much he said he wouldn't. And when the teenager needed a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on, he was always there.

Morph knew Logan didn't want kids of his own, and in their line of work they couldn't really blame him. But still, they couldn't help but think it was a shame. He really would make a good father.

It was just one of the many reasons why they loved him.

Suddenly the waitress appeared next to their table and Morph realised that they were still holding Logan's wrist. They quickly retreated it back.

Thankfully, the waitress appeared not to notice, too busy trying to balance an overstuffed bowl of ice cream, sauce and sprinkles in her hand that she placed on their table.

"We didn't order that, lady," Logan told her.

"I know. The girl over there did," the waitress replied, pointing over to Jubilee where a similar looking desert was placed upon her table. When Jubilee caught them looking her way, she waved a cheeky grin and Robert just looked confused.

By the time Morph looked back, the waitress was gone and Logan was digging a scoop out of the ice cream.

"What?" Logan shrugged, shoving the spoonful into his mouth. "I ain't gonna waste free food."

Melted ice cream dripped down Wolverine's chin adding to the collection of stains on that poor shirt, and Morph took a scoop themselves to try to distract themselves from that train of thought.

They had to admit that the dessert was pretty good, not too creamy yet not too solid with a perfect balance of ice cream and toppings.

Logan must have thought so too because as he licked his spoon he let out a low rumbling moan. Morph knew that in this form, they had to have been blushing at pink as their t-shirt. Not even Logan dipping one of the left over fries in to it could lessen their blush, so they did their best to hide it by ducking behind the large bowl as they ate the remainder of the monster of a dessert.

But try as they might, Morph couldn't distract themselves from the thoughts in their head. Logan had to know how this looked right? The pair of them, sharing a dessert. Morph swore they had already seen some of the other diner patrons giving them funny looks. Maybe Logan didn't care? Or maybe he wasn't as hyper-aware about appearances as Morph was?

At least their internal breakdown didn't last for too long, thanks to Logan's never ending appetite.

Morph glanced over at Jubilee's table to see that they had finished too.

Now all that was left was to pay the bill.

"I'll get it." Logan said, grabbing some bills from his trouser pockets. "I'm the one who dragged you into comin' with me."

"Wow, a burger, some frees and a free dessert. You really know how to treat a girl." Morph teased, as if the idea of Logan ever treating them to a real date would be a complete joke.

"Fine." Logan snorted, handing the money over to the waitress. "Next time I'll persuade that Roberto kid to take Jubilee some place fancier."

Next time? Morph felt their stomach somersault.

"Well, if you insist on taking me somewhere fancier then we will have to get you a new shirt," they said, pointing to where a third button had now snapped free. They tried to hide the fact that they felt left like they were about to puke up their own gloop.

"Why? You not likin' the view?" Logan said through a smug smirk.

"I like not getting kicked of restaurants more."

"So you do like it," Logan stated, that smirk turning predatory.

Wait, was Logan actually flirting with them? No, of course not. That could not be happening. This was just their usual banter. Right? Morph must have gotten so caught up in how the pair looked that their brain must have tricked itself into believing that Logan was flirting with them. Yes, that's what must have happened.

Of course that was when Jubilee decided to interrupt.

"I thought I told you to wear something decent!" She cried, grabbing Logan's leather jacket from where it was draped over the back of his chair and throwing it over the exposed expanse of his chest.

"I wore a shirt didn't I?" Logan protested, shrugging the jacket on properly. "Besides, Morph said they liked it."

Jubilee turned her accusatory glare towards them.

"Okay first of all, I never said that. Also I was the one who told Logan that shredding his only shirt wouldn't get him out if wearing one in the future so this-" Morph waved their hands in Logan's general direction. "Is not my fault."

Jubilee stared up at the ceiling but she was unable to stay annoyed for too long as Roberto placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and when her gaze once again found his and a smile once again graced her face.

"Whatever. Me and Roberto were going to go to arcade if you two insist on stalking us."

Morph glanced towards Logan and was surprised too see him shaking his head.

"Nah, you kids go ahead. We got our own plans."

Jubilee looked between them, a suspicious smile on her face that had Morph's stomach churning. But for once she chose to keep her mouth shut simply waving them both goodbye.

"You kids have fun!" Morph called after them.

"But not too much fun." Logan grinned making Roberto's brown skin pale as the teens headed for the door.

Despite their teasing, Morph truly was happy for Jubilee. Robert was a good kid. They were good for each other. Roberto helped to keep her grounded whilst she showed him the light around them.

Morph watched as Roberto reached out his hand and Jubilee didn't hesitate to take it in her own. Morph knew that it wasn't easy for the pair of them easier. As an Afro-Brazilian and Asian-American couple, they too drew their own fair share of less than happy looks. But the two teens ignored the stares, only having eyes for each other.

"Not that I'm complaining about getting out of babysitting duty," Morph said getting up from the table. "But I wasn't aware that we had any plans."

"We're going bowlin'." Logan stated, getting up himself, when he suddenly refused to meet their eyes. "If you want. 'Cus we still haven't been since- I mean we ain't been in a while."

Morph chose to believe that Logan's uncharacteristic fluster was because he had reminded them of how they still hadn't gotten the chance to go bowling together since they'd been freed of Sinister's control, and not the fact that he'd accidently made it sound like he was asking them out on a date.

"I'd love too." Morph quickly covered up the sincerity with a joke. "As long as you promise not to act all stabby when I beat you."

Logan snorted.

"As long as you promise not to act all bratty when I win."

"No promises."

As the two of them left, Morph couldn't help but glance down at Logan's hand as it swayed between them. They hoped that one day, they would have the courage to take his hand too.

[mikuni14]

Why I think the way the final episode of The Sign was distributed is wrong, offensive and unfair to fans. And how disappointing I am with this approach, because I sincerely supported Idol Factory and Saint.

Personally, I pay for Gaga, Viki and IQIYI, plus a VPN to watch shows that are not available in my country (like Pit Babe), which, you know, I already paid for 🙄 Additionally, I pay for Netflix, I have combined subscriptions with other people for Disney, HBO, Skyshowtime, Prime, last year we paid for Apple to watch Silo and Severance (I recommend both series btw 👌). I also don't mind paying one-time for a film on the platform, which is how I recently watched Oppenheimer.

Money is not an issue (<- lol), apart from the fact that I support myself and I have to work, and I have to carefully manage my budget in order to feed myself and my cat, clothe myself, pay my bills, and my loss of job will mean obviously giving up access to all these media. I say that money is not a problem in the sense that I WILL SPEND MONEY on something I like. I will save, I will give up something else, but I will spend this money on stuff I love.

The Sign has chosen a certain distribution method for international fans. They chose YouTube and chose a set airing hour. They could have chosen to distribute only in Thailand like Cherry Magic, or they could have chosen any other platform with paid subscriptions. But they chose YouTube. And they released 11 episodes for free and at a set time. And now they CHOSE to make the last ep paid and to create a complete chaos related to the distribution of the finale, because I honestly don't know at this point whether it is paid or not, what is paid and what is not, whether it is on Saturday or Sunday or it's for a ticket or for free on channel3 and apparently they have two endings????, which is always an alarming sign for me, because it's very Game of Thrones/Marvel style shit.

Besides, people have their own lives, their obligations, their schedules. Sometimes you just can't get around certain things and you can't watch a series in the available time, no matter how much you want. Secondly, releasing a product for free in order to limit access to it in the final phase is the worst manifestation of toxic capitalism. This is preying on the desperation and devotion of fans. The third thing is the selection of viewers into those who can afford it, have the time, have the resources and those who do not. And yes, sometimes even just $15 of an unexpected expense makes a huge difference in a person's budget. It's telling some of the fans that you are VIP and can sit in the front row, and the rest of the peasants should wait outside for two weeks 😄

tl;dr personally I want and can pay for: 1) the entire series on a legal platform 2) ADDITIONAL things, like specials, fan stuff, etc. I consider paying for access to the series finale, which until now was free, immoral.

But tbh I really have no idea what's going on, I go with the flow 🤡Whenever I check The Sign tag, I read more and more new information related to the possibility of watching the finale, and it's different every day. And if it turns out that the cut version of the series will be available for free on Channel 3, and the uncut version with subs will be available tomorrow with a ticket, it will be the funniest thing ever. Because that would mean that people paid $15 to watch, I don't know what, a sex scene? 😄

Idk, guys, instead of enjoying the finale, people are wondering how to watch it at all. And if IF starts doing this, won't others follow suit? 11 episodes for free, oh you want to watch the finale, well you have to pay or wait and dodge the spoilers 😈

And one last thing for potential defenders of this system, like "what's your problem, it will be available in 2 weeks, just wait": so you accept that not ALL fans will have a chance to experience the final ep together, which is the basis of the fan community? That some fans will experience and analyze the episodes this weekend, and the rest will wait?

[mjspenumbra]

It's 3:40 AM and I should really be asleep but nevermind that. Saw you also reblogged the 'come talk about my fic' thing which is funny because your fic actually tangentially came up in conversation yesterday. We were talking about natural disasters at work and which ones would be the worst and I remembered lahars exist because of your fic and after teaching everyone else what they are I 'won' the debate. Which just goes to show that your fic still lives rent free in my mind.

So here's a question, I've talked at length about my favorite part(s) of it in the comments, what is your favorite part/theme/detail(s) of it?

Glad I helped you win the debate, lol. This is why I’ve always told writers who ask about such things to do their homework! Even when you’re writing fantasy, the more "real" you can make the world, the more it will work for the readers.

Anyhoo��. Oh my, a favorite part/theme/detail. With something as long as OTP, that’s not an easy ask. But I shall try.

My sister has a quote she likes from a book she read way back when, "your god is too small." The general concept is that many people tend to view God only within the limits of whatever religion they have been exposed to and raised in. Within the confines of whatever dogma they’ve been exposed to, they ultimately stuff God into that box and never let Him out (and for the record, I use "Him" because that’s what I learned as a kid in the Catholic Church. My only positive parental figure was my father, so while I tend to have that sort of relationship with my Maker, I also know that it's absurd to think that the Being Who created everything is not Himself Everything. It's English that lacks a gender-neutral or all-encompassing pronoun. So if someone else prefers to think of God as Her, Them, It, whatever, I am not offended, nor do I mean to offend with my personal choice of pronoun. That being said, very Catholic Colombia of the 1950s would have said "Him," though persons with native backgrounds might have debated the matter, depending on which indigenous group was discussing the matter). ANYWAY: so why can’t Bruno be both a seer of the future AND an actual prophet? Why can't God be more a part of human existence than humans believe? So many people who go to church every Sunday (or Saturday, or whichever day) have religion, but what they don’t have is actual faith. They say the words, come together with fellow "believers," but so, so many of them don’t actually have faith in what they profess, in God. It's sad. I’ve had several friends who spent their entire lives bouncing from one church to another, one religion to another, looking for answers they never found because the one answer they lacked was faith. They wanted proof, and that’s a whole different animal.

So here we have Bruno with the Gift of seeing the future. I’ve read far too many stories where the burden of his Gift strangled any semblance of faith in God. Being weary of a world that seems bent on crushing hope and the belief that the world can be a good place, on telling us that the future is doomed to be dystopian, I wanted to try telling a story that instead embraced hope, where Bruno understood that there was another side to his Gift, that of being an actual prophet from time to time, and what would happen if the people of the Encanto — and his family — finally understood this. So this, I think, covers my favorite theme. Wouldn’t be a story but for that.

I think my favorite parts are the chapter where Bruno reveals his Secret Past to the grandkids, the Big Dramatic Climax, and the very end. They describe the circle of his journey through the story: broken man who has lost everything, who becomes more than a man by surrendering to his faith, and in the end becomes a father in more than one sense, and finds joy.

My favorite detail is probably Bruno's serenity room, along with Pepa's Grove and Julieta's Garden. I personally had a hard time believing that a Miracle that created Casita would just throw the kids to the wolves with powerful Gifts without giving them some kind of training ground — though alas, they were misunderstood and thus misused at the time. Alma needed to loosen up!

sheesh, I don’t do short in much any of my writing, do I? 🤪

[the-bittera-one]

Chapter Keywords: I did say everything goes downhill from there, rain! date!, foreshadowing, getting sick Chapter CWs: Hurt starts here. Implied self-pleasuring.

Prev - Main - Next

4. Blue Daisy

Another day, another last-minute assignment to submit.

It didn't matter, you were stoked for Saturday to come. The date with Miguel was all set, from the movie you two would watch (some intergalactic sci-fi flick) to the fast food place where you two would pick up your greasy orders, and then finally drive to a certain romantic and secluded spot where you two lovebirds could spend some quality bonding time together in the car while stargazing, maybe even talking about the movie while looking up at the dark, hopefully starry and not smog-clouded, sky.

... Or maybe do some more impure activities. God knew you needed it.

It wasn't just the assignments that kept you awake these days, but also the thought of spending some special time with your boyfriend.

Many nights you had been lying on your bed, the softness and comfort of your blankets and pillows not enough to lull you to sleep. The many cups of chamomile tea you drank night after night only caused you to stumble to the toilet at 2 am.

The culprits behind all this mess? Miguel, your hormones and your damn imagination.

Because those things were what had you lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing that the one embracing you wasn't the sheets, but him.

Wishing that what you were biting down on wasn't a pillow, but him.

Wishing that the thing satisfying you wasn't your hand, but him.

But all that was soon to be resolved that Saturday.

There was just one small, teeny, tiny problem.

Miguel didn't seem to know your plans.

Or maybe he did, you weren't sure. You had sent him the text with the plans for the date the day after you had studied together in the library. Text that appeared just below the goodnight message you had sent him before going to bed.

But he hadn't responded to any of them.

Perhaps the person he was teaching this time burned a lot of your poor boyfriend's brain cells, along with his infinite patience. You would have to reward him for that.

But you grew more and more uneasy as the days went by. He had replied, yes, but you still weren't sure if he had actually read the arrangements for your date because his texts had become monosyllables that functioned as short answers to every question you asked him.

Like:

Did you sleep well? - Yes.

Was tutoring tiring? - Yes.

Can we study together tonight? - Busy

Lol, look at this squirrel. It stole Mr. Crabgrass' toupee after the old man tried to chase it away with a stick - Huh

That last one wasn't even a question yet the answer was the same.

Was he starting to piss you off? Yes, but Miguel was much too kind a soul to do that knowingly, right? He had always been the sweet, caring guy who soothed you during your hard times, even putting his body under strain for you, like the time you twisted your ankle so badly on your way home that he had to carry you on his back for blocks. And that was back when he didn't have any of the muscular prowess that his physique now displayed.

There was no way this sweet summer child was doing it on purpose, he was probably, as he said, busy. College was a pain in everyone's ass, and the two of you weren't as wealthy as other students might have been to be able to slack off.

That didn't mean you didn't feel lonely sometimes. But things would work out eventually, wouldn’t they?

Your mind went to what he had told you back then when your ankle had taken on the shape of a tennis ball.

"Everything will be okay."

A sunny day greeted your weary eyes with a midday sting that Saturday morning, waking you from the peaceful slumber you had fought to achieve all night.

But instead of getting out of bed grumbling as usual, you slipped out of it with a cheerful smile and headed straight for your dresser as you unlocked your phone.

Swiping between Instagram (which showed some girl you know getting married), the weather app (which showed graphs of temperature changes), tumblr (which showed some cheff-kiss quality smut), and the browser, you finally found the two tickets you had purchased yesterday.

Yes, you had called Miguel last night and he had finally given you a verbal answer.

He had spoken rather breathlessly, and you had assumed that he was running late for something, and as the considerate partner you were, you had opted to keep the conversation short. After all, it wasn't the first time you'd caught him being late for class.

But as of now, you had to focus on getting lunch and dolled up. An "everything" shower, skin care products, whatever cosmetic you used and the outfit you had planned for the day were waiting for you, as well as the lingerie chosen for this "special" occasion.

Of course, the golden ring on the bedside table couldn't be forgotten, placed there so it wouldn't bend or slip while you slept.

The movie would start at 8 and end at 9:40. A jacket, your keys and your phone were the only things you would take with you. Miguel would be the one to drive you out of the theater anyway, all you had to do was show up on time.

You were late, it didn't take a genius to know that when your phone displayed "8:20" on the screen. The numbers looked so bright that they were downright mocking you.

It wasn't your intention, really, but your bed had suddenly looked so soft and cozy as you waited for what felt like hours for your moisturizer to work its magic.

The marathon you had to run had left your lungs stinging, but your mind was focused on something else.

"Miguel won't be upset, will he?"

The sentence itself sounded ridiculous to you, but it escaped your lips as you rested your back against a wall, puffs of hot breath accompanying the escaping question.

The cold air outside the theater was doing nothing to cool your body temperature after such a long run, so you knew that "sweaty" would be the first thing anyone would think of when looking at you.

An embarrassed sigh was the one that escaped from you this time as your fingers went to your phone, unlocking it and texting an apologetic "I'm here" to your ever loving and understanding boyfriend.

You felt sorry, you had hyped up this date so much and yet you were the one who was late? But, well, nothing a good smooch couldn't fix.

You were quite sure that the one who needed the smooch this time was you.

A couple of hours had passed and there was no sign of your man anywhere, no texts or calls. The movie had long since ended, and yet you were still there, waiting.

Hoping.

Nervousness had turned to annoyance, annoyance to anger, and anger to worry.

Was he okay? Did the rain catch him?

What seemed to be a sunny and otherwise cloudless day had given way to biting winds and a light rainstorm that soon brought bigger raindrops than the weather forecast had originally predicted.

Your calls fell unanswered, and eventually all signal went down as the power went out in a large part of the city that still had a shitty power grid.

By the time you made it back to your dorm, you were too exhausted, cold, and wet to make another 100 calls to Miguel. You did give him 5 more, but they went unanswered, just like the 5 texts you sent.

Feverish, you had barely managed to get into bed with clothes that were supposed to keep you warm in what felt like the worst cold of your rather short life.

And that's how sleep claimed you, sick, worried and cold, with drenched garments lying next to your bed, left there to wet the carpet as it took on a musty smell.

Prev - Main - Next

[iantimony]

2023 year in review roundup

wow!! what a fucking year!!! goodbye and good riddance! happy first day of 2024!

this year i did 37 tuesdayposts! there were 53 tuesdays so that's about 70%! some of them were on fri/sat instead as shabbosposts but i think posting on tuesday or even monday does just work better for some fucking reason. maybe because friday and saturday are days that i am most likely to do New Activities for making/playing/watching/reading??? and so on monday or tuesday i can recap the just-finished weekend. shrug! we love tuesday so it's fine.

listening listened to all of twilight mirage and a little over half of partizan! shrieking shack podcast, just king things, well there's your problem, miscellaneous music (maneskin probably a notable winner in there)

reading a lot of little articles. a little tgcf. SO much fanfic. 'every heart a doorway' (bad). 'birthday of the world' le guin (good).

playing a little disco elysium. a little minecraft. a little nier automata. a little hadesgame. a LOT of pokemon go. and i got into magic the gathering this year!

watching a lot of youtube videos. so many gd youtube videos. evangelion, history of the world part ii, cunk on earth, vox machina animated series, cowboy bebop, first season of peaky blinders, the new tgcf donghua season!

making i did very little drawing/painting/illustration beyond life drawing a few times...however i was very prolific in crafting! i also theoretically made valentines gifts. i do not remember what they were tho lol.

fiber arts: i completed a big embroidery project (fermenting dregs album art hoodie), quantum shawl, mesh market bag, case for my knew laptop, finished that blue tank top even though i hate it, fixed the lining on my yellow knitted cowl, made a little knitted headphone top cover that i will probably redo differently, headband ear warmer for my roommate's mom, and FINALLY i just barely finished the scarf for my SO before the end of 2023!

print block carving: wristwatch print, gavelbocken holiday card print

misc/writing: some songxuexiao fencing au. some harrowhark abhorsen au. neocities website!

and so much pottery! this is all of it, barring the things i already gave away as presents before this photo (two pots and a little box and the little raven guy), but wow! that's so many fuckin object!

misc what a fucking year. some bad! had to file a big car insurance claim! got really sick while abroad and that persisted for a long fucking time! mini summer breakdown! some good stuff too - passed quantum mechanics FOREVER good fucking bye, did my first successful academic conference, finally started feeling better around the end of the year! learned my lesson: it's not fuckin worth stressing yourself to death over, and also i can't just Be At Home Aimlessly for months any more. it's bad for my mental health.

reviewing 2023 resolutions and goals --> I’d love to start writing again and play more horn but we’ll see i basically didn't do any creative writing at all this year barring a few lines of fanfic ideas (the abhorsen/tlt crossover one) HOWEVER i READ a lot of fanfic to marinate in and i played a LOT more french horn!! i joined the little youth orchestra which is like, uber goofy, but it means ive been playing on a regular basis again!

--> I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff i spent all year meaning to do this and kept pushing it off so it rolls over into next year.

--> I really want to kind of dial those [unhealthy coping mechanisms] back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process lol lmao. nah. but definitely rolling it over into 2024.

--> I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general actually not bad! basically zero tailoring but i did a pretty good job wearing some cute outfits.

--> I’ve been pretty good about being active so I’d like to keep that up, I still can’t do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay once again: lol lmao. health issues had me really regress in some of my gains goals. plus side is toes are doin pretty normal.

--> a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I’m really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving. oh it moved! in a good way! i'm making good progress and hopefully i will keep that momentum going!

--> finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again a little! i should have been putting these in playing as i went oops. the tabletop group i've run was a little fallow this year due to at least half of our group, including myself, not being in Tabletop Mood but we've played a lot of res arcana and other such games instead.

i had a few other resolutions in my digital planner on my ipad that didn't go in the writeup last year: namely, practice languages more (i did practice my mandarin a little but did not really learn any hebrew or korean unfortunately) and establish a non-software component of my research (nope, not in the cards, but i'm hoping to do something else this summer to let me get better with physical data/setups), and finishing the masters degree requirements (that will be the end of this upcoming spring semester), but overall i really did hit most of my resolutions and goals! even with being ill for a while! (except the finances. i am simply not looking at them <3)

2024 resolutions and goals

definitely some rollover! i will format this to hopefully be a little easier to respond to next year:

- get back on a regular workout schedule: swimming 1x a week, weights once or twice a week. would like to try and work towards my One Pullup goal again. would also be cool to try and work towards a hand/headstand. - try and be more mindful. i'm going to continue the grief therapy but also think about meditating more, doing more yoga, and so on. - there's a gallery on main street that solicits work from local artists for bimonthy themed exhibitions and i really want to submit at least one thing to it this year! the one due by end of january is themed 'florals', and the one two months after that is 'layers', so i'd really like to submit something to one of those. - more weird art! use that big canvas i bought in literally 2022! paint!!! - finally put together that travel journal from korea & japan (and also scrapbook-ify the papers i have leftover in a pile from that) - also, maybe do current scrapbook a little different? might need a new binder at the very least. - hang up that expensive quilt i bought in august - speaking of quilt: do some hand quilting, english paper piercing! i have so much fucking fabric! - find a new apartment to move into that hopefully won't suck! - try to secure some sort of summer internship or project that will let me develop some new skillsets that i might not be getting with my current research - finish the masters degree - write...a paper? for the work i just presented??? - keep tweaking neocities and make some more pages - keep track of recipes this year as well in my making section

i might start a little spreadsheet this year to keep better track of all my stuff because i really did Not want to go through all my separate listening and reading sections and extract what i liked the most, etc. this post required me to first back up a few extra early tuesdayposts from this year to dreamwidth, and then skim all of them to accumulate the above, and that was kinda a pain. and i love an excuse to start a new spreadsheet.

we did it! happy 2024! i don't think i have anything else to add to this wrapup but if i think of something i'll tack it into the upcoming Normal Tuesdaypost tomorrow! good job good night and good luck everyone!

[creacherkeeper]

luka! it’s sleepover saturday and also storytelling saturday! i have a fun question for you. what was your most recent aha! moment?

hello skye!!! this is a very fun question :D most of the storytelling i've been doing lately has been for my d&d game lost township, so my aha! moment has to do with some upcoming plans

SPOILERS FOR THE NEXT SESSION LOST TOWNSHIP PLAYERS DO NOT LOOK I WILL BITE YOU FOR REAL

.

.

.

so the party is currently on their way to a shady business called the blasting company, where they've been summoned by the ceo candy blasting and her executive assistant annalise ...

they've Supposedly been summoned to negotiate a business contract between the company and our pc cass, who owns the saloon in town that the company is threatening to take away

what they Dont know is that this company is actually summoning them to hold them as hostages for an Evil Plot, and that they aren't really a company at all, they're a monster hunter organization bent on wiping "unclean" magic out of the country

there is no such person as candy blasting. annalise reports to someone but frankly she isn't even sure who they actually are. so annalise is. kind of running the company and she's been with them for 20+ years. she is also!! a changeling!! one of the types of "monsters" the company is trying to do away with. she works for them because she got promised a loooong time ago they would turn her human and simply she's in way too deep now to leave

so my Aha! moment was trying to figure out the other workers at this organization and what motivated them to be there. and i realized that actually, a lot of them are in the same boat as annalise. either "monsters" who don't want to be anymore or people who got trapped by the company and said you can either work with us, or you'll be imprisoned and studied until we're done with you (which is something annalise did to our pc onion, a fey, who is now leading the company to her to try and finish that deal) and the current workers are the ones who said. you know what. i'd rather keep my autonomy and choose to work with you than be a prisoner until you kill me, thanks

it also. helped a lot because i didnt have to make a bunch of npc statblocks that'll probably be in two sessions tops and instead i got to just use monster statblocks and they all just have people glamours on lol

it was also really fun figuring out like. why those npcs chose to join the company vs be a prisoner, which was just like. an element of their psychology that i hadnt expected to be examining originally but made them way more people-y in my head instead of like. nameless monster hunter #4

unfortunately that does mean i am attached now!!! they will probably all die when the combat happens but that is d&d for you godbless

[purplesurveys]

1705

This time last year, what was happening in your life? Life was a little uneventful at the time. But if anything, I had a completely different set of clients – a more stressful roster at that, so in hindsight I’m glad that part of my life is over. It had also only been a month from Kimi’s passing so my mental health had been more tumultous; it was also the time I was coming to terms with the fact that I might be experiencing another bout of depression, so I would go out every weekend and have some quiet time to myself at coffee shops or at my favorite comfort places, like my university.

Did you/will you have coffee or some other form of caffeine today? I already have a mug of coffee next to me.

Who did you last have a text conversation with and what was it about? Just quick exchanges for work.

Are there regular trains in and out of your town/city? Yes.

Do you bathe your pets regularly? Just once every few months.

Do you have a mailbox or do you collect your mail from the post office? We have mail and packages sent directly to our house, but we don’t have a mailbox - not really common here. Instead, envelopes are squeezed into our door; then for larger packages, riders would directly ring the doorbell so we can receive them.

What was the last animal you saw, and was it a pet? Our two dogs. Yes, pets.

Have you ever had an ear infection? Kind of? It didn’t happen inside my ear, but on my earlobe. I got a nasty infection from my piercing (which I never took off since getting pierced as a baby) and the only way around it was to stop wearing earrings altogether. To this day I haven’t worn earrings since and stick with clip-ons.

If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be? I’d love to get started on Ted Lasso. And get my ass back on Better Call Saul.

Would you have any clue when your best friend last got their hair cut? No idea...must be a few months ago.

Someone messages you just as you’re about to go to sleep. Do you reply? Depends on the person and the nature of their message. The only person I’d make an exception for is probably Angela, or my dad.

Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it? I don’t do it in my sleep if this is what you mean. My sister does and very aggressively, so to be honest I try not to fall asleep in the same room as her. The sound is very...it drives me mad, lol.

Have you ever been hospitalized due to dehydration? I haven’t been hospitalized but I’ve definitely fainted from it.

Is there anything you need to remember to do before the day ends? I technically have more work to do beyond the shit I already did yesterday, but I’m on the fence about doing it or just leaving it off for tomorrow. I already worked on a Saturday...the thought of working on a Sunday too is just raising my stress level through the roof lol. I WANT TO HAVE A WEEKEND TOO.

When you listen to music with headphones, do you keep the volume low enough to hear surrounding noise faintly, or do you blast it? Well, it depends where I am and how quiet it is. The sound seeps out-ish from my headphones if the volume is too loud, so I’ll only have it on max volume if I’m somewhere the sound can be drowned out, like in the office or at a busy coffee shop. But if I’m in a Grab where it’s just me and the driver, I’d tone it down.

What’s your favorite online radio site? Idk if it counts but I’ll occasionally use Stationhead to help boost song streams.

Do your parents have any authority over who you date? As much as possible, I wouldn’t let them. At the end of the day it’s my decision and even if I turned out wrong and stupid, it shouldn’t be their problem to fix because the only way it should be is a lesson for me to learn from.

How many different shades of nail polish do you have? Zero. I never apply nail polish because 100% I’ll have the urge to chip it off.

What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had a scrambled egg sandwich.

Are you lucky enough to have an ice maker in your refrigerator door? We don’t have one, but I don’t feel unlucky about it either lmao.

Are you the type to wake up before the sun has even risen? Not at all. As someone who works a 9-6, I value my sleep and would hate to be up earlier than the sun. 

Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? Nah. I’m not into anime.

Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. I’m desperate for 4-day work weeks to be a thing. I’ll experience it occasionally due to public holidays, and it’s truly fascinating to feel the difference between a 4-day work week and 5-day work week (even if they differ by only a day!). I tend to feel incredibly recharged with the former, while the latter brutally exhausts me beyond words. Anyway, it’s Sunday evening now and I’m dreading to start the cycle all over again, and I just can’t wait to reach Friday.

Do you have a favorite towel? What color is it? I don’t have a favorite towel. They all do the same thing.

Have you seen any films with Judy Garland in them?: I actually haven’t. Most of her well-known films are musicals which I’m not really into, so that’s a big reason why I haven’t checked her works out.

How did you feel when you woke up today? Why? Rattled. I woke up at around 9:20 AM today when we usually leave at around 9:45 to attend mass, so I had to prepare at 2x speed haha.

Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook? My group chat with Angela and Reena.

When was the last time you saw them? A month ago when we landed back from Bangkok.

Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? No, I don’t have a friend named Nick.

What are you listening to? I have a BTS vlog playing in the background. I usually have a string of these playing on Sunday nights; it helps calm my nerves before the week starts.

What year are you/did you graduate? I graduated high school in 2016, then college in 2020.

Are you obsessed with anything? BTS.

Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Waffles.

Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? No soda.

Do you like seafood? It’s the best thing in the world.

Are you craving anything right now? I’d love a cheeseburger from McDonald’s, but I’ll live.

Do you dress appropriately for your age? Uh, I guess. What exactly constitutes an appropriate outfit when you’re 25 years old anyway? Hahaha.

If McDonald’s sold hot dogs, would you buy them? No.

How long is your hair? It’s a bit past my shoulders, but not long enough that it reaches my waist.

Do you like your neighbors? They’re fine and don’t make a fuss and aren’t Karens. That’s all I’d ask for.

What’s your school motto? Honor and excellence.

Has a bird ever flown into your window? Nope.

Which word did you say first, mama or dada? No idea what my first word was and I don’t think my parents monitored it too.

How old were you when you learned to walk? I also have no clue. Thanks for the idea, I’ll go ahead and ask my parents this when I can :)

What was your first pet’s name? Goldy...because I had a goldfish...very creative...

How many kids were in your class in kindergarten? We were around 15 in Kinder 1. By the time I got to Kinder 2 and Prep, the classes grew to 30.

Who was your best friend in elementary? Angela.

Who was the best athlete in your freshman class? I won’t say their name anymore but it was someone from the basketball team. She wasn’t only good at the sport but was exceptionally tall too, so she definitely stood out.

What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on? I don’t think there was anyone we’d consider THE school crush. We had several male teachers and I observed that the students would just have little crushes depending on their own type.

Where do you see yourself in a year? I have no idea. I keep saying ‘maybe in a new job’ but it never fucking happens so I don’t wanna keep guessing anymore haha.

If you were able to change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I wish I was less uptight. Especially with work. Bea usually talks me down because I freak out over the smallest things that can be resolved easily if I just calm the fuck down and not see them as the end of the world.

Are you content just blending in with the crowd? For the most part, but I want to make some sort of impact too. I wouldn’t be okay with just going with the flow for the rest of my life.

[twobigears]

Chandra Post-Trial Report

So this was Chandra’s first agility trial in over a year since stopping to rehab iliospoas injuries!

The tl;dr is that there was both good stuff and concerning stuff, and the main question I’ll have for the sports vet is “how do we tell whether the concerning stuff is indicative that we still have a bigger Problem than we realized, or if it’s to be expected with a large crazy dog in a high-impact sport and is okay if we carefully manage it with warm-ups/cool-downs, continued stretching, conditioning, etc.” Which I have asked her before, but now that I’ve really tested Chandra in a trial environment again, maybe we have more information to work with.

The good:

Saturday, I think Chandra felt pretty good overall!

The courses were pretty straightforward and other than I think one or two wraps, Chandra did not have to do sharp turns

ETO was only a minor/occasional issue (or is just less of a problem at 16″ because she still definitely has ETOs on every course but not every jump), and watching all the videos she runs into the tunnels instead of jumping into them

I was diligent at stretching her after her runs and checking for spasms/soreness throughout the day.

She Qd in 4/5 runs

She is still sitting square most of the time after the trial and only occasionally lazy sitting

The bad:

We still have the “first-bar” issue. The only run that Chandra did not knock or hit the first bar (out of five) was the very first run of the weekend. It still doesn’t seem to matter how close or far I set her from the first jump.

On Sunday I was seeing some signs of soreness. The first run was fine (other than knocking the first bar), but a couple hours later after she had cooled down and been in her crate for a while, I did get an unhappy vocalization response when I poked around her left iliospoas. After she moved around and warmed up, I couldn’t replicate this and I haven’t gotten that response from her since then (including now two days after the trial). But the vets have always/often been able to get an unhappy response from Chandra palpating around her iliospoas even when I can’t, so I’m not sure that her lack of a response for me means much.

Also on Sunday throughout the day I saw some external rotation and off-weighting on her left rear. This again seemed to get better when she was warm. Some dangling of her left rear foot when jumping, particularly coming out of her sit-stay at the startline and practice jump.

Right rear was noticeably tight during passive hip abduction stretch Sunday evening

The...ish?

Due to a long and late day on Saturday, I didn’t have an opportunity to do a thorough session of passive stretches with Chandra when we got home. We did do her hot pack for 10 minutes on each side. We did her active stretches throughout the day at the trial on Saturday, but a lack of more thorough stretching in the evening might have contributed to Sunday’s issues.

Monday/Tuesday after the trial I am still not getting any signs of pain or discomfort around her iliospoas and hip flexors. No spasming or other negative responses from Chandra.

She is however tight and spasmy in her front end, from her withers and behind her shoulders down towards her elbows (excuse my poor description of canine anatomy lol). On both sides, but a little more on the left. I’m wondering if this indicates her front end was working harder to protect her back end. Especially since she was only jumping 16″, so her front end “should” have been taking less impact than if she was jumping 20″.

Some spasming and tightness in her lower back and left loin, which has been typical as well.

So yeah. The good stuff list is pretty short but I still think it’s a lot of good overall. A definitely a lot of information to take away and discuss with the vet.

[flightlessangelwings]

Hey, Jey! 😽 I'm here for the Sleepover Saturday.

After looking over the list, I want to talk about a really weird dream I keep having and it's got me questioning my own brain, today especially 🤣. (I have lots of weird dreams, but this one's the most recent).

I have recurring dreams quite often and one of the recurring dreams that I am having lately is where I work, which is in a kitchen, looks very different. It's like the place got an upgrade and I'm ngl, it looks really good too hahaha, but there's always at least 10/15 people working there, which is bizarre because there's only five of us in real life. It gets weirder, just wait.

My family and friends are there at work with me for some strange reason and its busy as hell too. None of us can keep up with the flow of orders and everyone is panicking while I'm just standing by, watching it all unfold. Something else worth noting is that sometimes the lights are off and I'm literally standing in the dark at work. 😂

However, the reason I wanted to talk about this particular recurring dream is because I had a nap this afternoon right before work and I had this dream again, but something different happened. I go to work, see that the place has got an upgrade, and my boss is there waiting for me with a smile on her face, as if she was excited to hear my reactions to how everything looks, but I instead tell her, "This is going to sound crazy and you'll not believe me, but I've actually dreamed about this."

Shit. The last thing I remember before waking up was my bosses face dropping with complete utter disbelief and honestly, it left me feeling spooked. But that's not all. When I actually went work tonight, it was really hectic. We couldn't keep up with the flow of orders. My co-workers were panicking, food was two hours late, we ran out of stuff too. It was just a sudden rush that didn't stop. 🤣

Did I piss off the dream keepers or something? Are they punishing me? Lmao! Well, that's what I wanted to chat about and to ask if you have any weird dreams as well? 😊

Ooo talking dreams is always fun!

I dream about work too all the time! Usually for me when I dream about work it means I’ve been working too much and need a break. Cause mine get like yours: things are super busy and it’s overwhelming and things are wrong and shit like that!

But the part where you said you’ve dreamed about that before in your dream is wild!!! It’s almost like your mind knows lol!!! And then that feeling of deja vu from a dream is always a funny feeling and it feels kinda haunting in a way, like it lingers in your mind.

Thanks for the ask, Chloe!! 💖💖

[the-wild-candy]

Hello from another side of the world. First of all, thank you so freaking much for this detailed reading. The length makes me wonder if I perfectly reflected the energy in the reading I did for you so if you need another reading I’ll be able to help out! Also it’s worded and decorated so prettily my heart is just wow and I would like to learn this from you if I ever do paid readings in the future.

Next, I saw the Star again. I have this card in a couple of Pick A Card readings with my future spouse. It also came out in a reading I did about me and my FS. Last Saturday I also received a sticker of The Star from a convention attendee. It’s like… Fate. Healing. Hope. All these coming together. This is literally my favourite card in this reading because… I know I need healing and I’m working towards it. My therapist asked me if I’m in a relationship with anyone and I said no. She nodded and said that maybe cuz I’m also not in the right state for a romantic relationship yet. However, deep in me I really crave for somebody to pamper me unconditionally (I know the limits and will pamper them back with whatever I have). I suddenly feel so lonely and sad thinking that my entire life is me trying to gain approval from other people (except a few) and it’s just… Tiring… This is why The Star consoles me so much.

“Man of culture” and “no bullshit zone”. Bro there’s a place that I pass by almost everyday when I’m commuting to work that has the sign “This is a no bullshit zone” ahahahhaahahaha. Also man of culture. My Capricorn ass likes that a whole lot. As a Saturn dominant with a lot of Cap and 6 planets in my 10H, I dare say my life mainly revolves around work a lot and it comforts me when I’m stressed. Cus like… I can channel my energy to focus on work instead of personal problems. Which means, I’m gonna be interested or meeting someone at work and that will be changing my life, which is what Three of Coins can symbolize as well.

I’m also known to have burst of weird and bubbly energy and basically, people around me are okay with it. I’m not sure if anyone likes it but at least, no complaints for now. If there IS someone out there who likes this side of me then it’s literally the best and I just want to enjoy and explore the relationship with him. The intimacy part is also sweet cuz I would like to y’know, hold hands, lean on them and hug.

Fall for each other fast is also something I’ve heard before in past readings and this lol. Attraction is a difficult thing for me and everytime I’m attracted to someone, that someone is usually unavailable. I have a particular taste in men I think, successful, responsible and charming. The entire relationship is real just makes me wanna tear up because of how insecure I am. It’s like my next relationship I’ll have will be with my future spouse and it’s just… Beautiful.

Once again, thank you so much for this lovely and beautiful reading exchange. I appreciate it a lot.

This is such a lengthy feedback oml- thank you so much. I am so glad you liked the reading! You are one of the most talented readers I've met here. Literally, your interpretations are so accurate istg. Thank you so much for the feedback. God bless you. Stay hydrated and take care 🤍

[thatsamori]

Bruh everyone playing tcg shop sim is making me wanna play. I have time to stream before work but i don't stream on Saturdays so none of my regulars would show up

But I wanna play so bad lmao

I should work on my jank ref sheets for a new vtuber model instead so I can get some good ref sheets commissioned but I'm having a hard time with that. Which means I should do it but I am LAZY and I wanna open card packs lol

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

little bit of a journal entry? all about my day and how i felt and am feeling bc of what happened this past weekend because i still have 3 days until therapy

tw sh/ed mentions at the end (it kinda turned into a vent sorry)

i really wanted to call into work today because i had a lot of stuff to do (only 4 things really) but nope! i just asked to come in later like from 4-5ish instead rather than 12pm, what a win

anyway i end up getting nothing done because my bank said to wait til the next day, which means i couldnt go to the police until the next day

and idk why but since i wasnt able to get those things done my mind saw picking up my testosterone from the pharmacy and canceling my gym membership as impossible

so the only thing i could do was try to at least go to work earlier (like 240ish?) except i could not do that shit sober

so i get high (i felt so detached and exposed yet strangely calm at the same time? idk how to describe it) and the assistant manager sees me as i come in and im like sorry i know this is way earlier than i said but they couldnt help me so i just came in and he was like no no its okay, we're glad to have you here and idk if im just overthinking it but hes the type to just say smth like no worries, its cool and move on and maybe jts because im just not in a good space lol but the whole day i couldnt stop thinking about who and who saw the camera footage of the office because then they saw me all hysterical and shit and im embarrassed and ashamed and stupid and feel compelled to atone for the sin that is my existence

i feel like i cant face anyone now :'p

and its worse that everything looks the same

no one is yelling at me or lecturing me or reprimanding me

there's no new signs up about scams theres no notes about it in our manager notebook (basically a gc on paper)

it all weirdly feels the same but i dont and im basically craving any sort of punishment because i dont know how to deal with these feelings !! the cvtting helps, the restricting helps, the sleeping pills help

if i punish myself enough then maybe i can actually be deserving of their forgiveness maybe i will stop feeling so ashamed maybe ill be good again maybe i can go back on that pedestal maybe i can appear as dependable as i did maybe ill feel needed and like i have some kind of worth

i hadnt really really like actually realized how much my self worth depends on how im perceived by others. idk what exactly or why,, but i really do feel like something shifted in my brain

and the way im describing it probably sounds so dramatic and like im overreacting but i legit cant function the same way i was functioning before Saturday

maybe i just have to wait it out maybe ill be like this forever now

[shhhthoughts]

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2008 I AM ACTUALLY EXCITED TO GET A HAIR CUT, AND TO DYE MY HAIR A NEW COLOUR!!! i mean i'm only gonna get it cut just past my shoulder, but it's a big thing for me, cause i haven't had a cut since 2008, which is crazy, and long overdue, but still!!!!

i think i'm gonna dye it green. i originally wanted to do autumn colours like orange and yellow, but i think i'll try and do that for next august instead, so i can enjoy it for longer then just... two or three months, i'll likely have it into november. whereas right now i'll probably have green into christmas.... and then after christmas idk what i'll do. there's a lot of colours out there, so we'll seee!!!! but i'm excited, and that's all that counts.

also my brother comes home to STAY on saturday. which is wild. he hasn't lived on the east coast (well... in ontario lol) since ..... 2017ish? so it'll be great to have him home, and with the family. my gramma will love it too, especially since she's been getting worse (i still jump when the phone rings, worried it will be the call to tell me she's gone).

ANYWAY. my brothers got two weeks before he starts his new job, and we've sorta made plans to hang out. maybe go downtown and do something... hang with toph and his girlfriend... idk we'll see what happens!

okay that's it for now, need to head off to sleep... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

i still wish i could get my cut to work on my main blog, otherwise i'd keep my shhh thoughts there, but the cut glitch is still happening, ugh.