#by the way from the playlist the song which fits the situation probably best is How am I supposed to live without you by Michael Bolton
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
salut pia!
ive been wondering? how do you handle/change modes when youâre writing across AUs/fics? i mean not only the personality/attribute changes (like role reversal with ef and gwyn) but also change inâŚoh how do i say this..when a character is a MC in one but side/minor in another? bc they are different devices to different stories, how do you keep an overview of how much you reveal, go into so as to not side track from the main story or change the âflowâ. example: whenever theres mentions of gender identity and betas somethin somethin feeling like omegas somethin somethin comes up âcasuallyâ sirens go off in my head and then i realise wait faber is NOT the MC in this story this is not about him him but its a little bit about him him. and then i feel like im standing behind a glass wall looking from Utb/Utg to Utr screaming at faber but he is a NPC here so we dont know whats going on in his head. that scene with ef and him eating carrots?âŚ. i would give my right foot and skin tone copic markers to be a fly on the wall in fabers POV (the timelines probably wont align for it to happen but would you ever consider sth like this?? a scene overlapp across stories i mean?)
iâve mostly read within that universe but ive also read spoils where your characters have completely different..positions? roles? weight? than in rainbow. so yeah how do you keep it all âappropriateâ or âfittingâ for their roles in different stories. like a puppet master
cheers xx
Hi anon,
So this is going to be not very helpful, but I don't write this stuff down for the most part.
This is the stuff I find so easy that this is why this is my job, in a way. I don't have a list of 'different Efnisiens' to keep track of, or 'different Gwyns.' They become themselves within the story. If I read a chapter of the story I get back into it (actually often I just need to listen to a song or put on the right playlist). Every version of a character is kind of there right now. I know how each would respond to something, and how those things would be the same or vary based on life experiences and the question etc.
I don't do really much at all to change modes. I just...do. There is no overview. It's all in my head. I'd say some of this goes down to how long / how many years I've spent studying character and dialogue overall. But even when I was younger I found this pretty easy, and transplanting characters into different situations to see how they'd react similarly / differently was one of my favourite kinds of exercises even when I was a teenager.
Some of it is knowing focus. Faber's side story is interesting, for those who like Faber and/or Underline the Red, hints about his gender struggles are fascinating, but they can only ever be hints, because I'm mindful that many readers aren't interested in Faber except as a minor character, and haven't read Underline the Red.
The focus is always Efnisien and Gary. Other characters can have their own lives and motivations, but it won't be more than that in the main story. Though I can go into a bit more detail because of the length of the story which is really nice for building out side characters / ensemble cast.
As to crossover perspectives, I don't know! I know we'll see some of Faber's perspective of Efnisien arriving at Hillview in Underline the Red, but obviously things impact characters differently at different times, I don't know what will be most important by the time we get to Faber's side of things. I used to write alternative perspectives as side chapters for Fae Tales though, and that could be a lot of fun.
so yeah how do you keep it all âappropriateâ or âfittingâ for their roles in different stories.
I saw a video by Hank Green I think once where he said the reason sportspeople are so good at their sports is in part because they're physically often the best at that sport anyway. Like, ballerinas have a certain build, swimmers have a certain build, and any training they do works to support that and make them better, but they were 'built' out for those sports in the first place. Some people have yoga bodies. I have a swimming body and swimming shoulders.
And I feel like this is true sometimes with writing. I don't try to keep it appropriate or fitting, I just know that the ensemble characters can't matter as much as the main characters in the course of the story. That's what a story is. That's what a main character and an ensemble character is. I would say years of experience has made this part of writing mostly easy and fun for me, so I don't have to think or overthink about this stuff anymore. At worst I might think 'was that too much Faber? Eh, it's helping Efnisien, it's still important to the plot and his character arc.'
I'm 'built' for writing big worlds with big ensemble casts where all the characters are important but where the focus is only on a couple of main characters per story. I'm built for character-focused stories and seem to be very built for transplanting characters I love into different worlds (and different roles) to see how that changes things. I started wanting to write these kinds of worlds and characters when I was 10 years old, and had my first sprawling ensemble fantasy series started by the age of 11. By the age of 15 I had a 3 novel fantasy trilogy built out with about 20 significant characters, and it was ridiculous and silly but that was what I wanted to write.
And I guess you could say I haven't really changed, I've just gotten better at it. I hope to keep getting better at it! The challenge now is to figure out how to break down some of these skills so I can share them with others. But...I do think there's an element of 'this is just what I love, it's a special interest, I don't know how to convey that I have 30 years of special interest in reading, writing, and studying this thing across television, manga, manhwa, fanfiction, AUs, and fictional series.' There will be teachable skills in that, but I don't know how much osmosis / absorption / and being obsessed with entangled tapestries of stories makes up what I do.
In some ways it would be 'better' if I was built for more conventional storytelling. My bank account might like that more! BUT, I'm doing okay where I'm at, because I love it, and I try to share that with other people and see if I can tell stories that resonate with them too.
(There are aspects of what I do that are very hard for me - timelines, aspects of worldbuilding, pacing in the first arc, and so on, but the actual characterisation part, and creating multiple versions of the same character is as easy as breathing. I could give you four more different versions of Faber in an hour. Maybe even twenty minutes. It's not hyperbole, it's just...how I daydream, what I think about. And it's fun!)
I'm very very very lucky that other folks are willing to read the same characters across different narratives, because it's a very strange thing to do in writing outside of fanfiction, case in point being that we almost never see any other professional authors doing it with their original works. x.x
#asks and answers#pia on writing#pia on worldbuilding#pia on characterisation#pia on fanfiction#i gotta put shoes on and i gotta gooooo#it's mum's birthday dsklfjas i'm heading over to hers#and bringing birthday Toby lol#apologies for any typos or incorrect word usage#i didn't have time to reread#the TL;DR is - i'm obsessed with this and love it and it's a special interest#and in the last 10 years this is the easiest kind of writing for me#it's easier than oneshots sdlkfjas
11 notes
¡
View notes
Note
The song Never Gonna Happen by Lily Allen, good Ribbun song or no? It started on my shuffled playlist and it kinda made me think of your Acetate Ribbun fic.
I think it can fit with ribbunnie depending on interpretation and how you view or want the outcome of their relationship to be! For the fic itself I don't think it fits 100% but song inspo never has to be exact, and the way you interpreted the song and writing can be entirely different from how I do. That's the beauty of the arts I think. If you think it fits then it fits! You've given me an excuse to muse about them a little tho... so more to read below if interested. (Same warnings for the fic apply for this talk)
My personal thoughts on this song is someone interested in another person (the singer in this case) but said person isn't interested in them back. But the singer when feeling desperate for love (implied to be sex) decides to call them up anyways knowing their feelings would have them accept the interaction. The singer feeling guilty for this behavior at times and the other party being hurt by it despite also probably knowing it doesn't mean anything when she calls them up but is lovesick so can't help but hope and then be disappointed everytime. Some lines in there about the singer not understanding why this person is still in love with her as well, which I do like and will bring that up later. In the case of Acetate Ribbun's situation, Gangle is taking advantage of the situation to take out her rage (for) on Jax. And because its hanahaki which I like to think flares up when emotional oppositions are high, that means giving him a dispassionate kiss makes his illness flare up and in turn harms him; what she wants. Unlike the singer though, Gangle doesn't necessarily feel guilty for this, in fact most of her guilt stems from the fact she doesn't feel guilty for what she's doing. Aware that what she is doing is wrong but in an act of retaliation toward everything he's done to her, it feels good. I do like the lines from the song about "I don't understand what you're chasing after," because I do think that part fits. After everything she's done to him she's still surprised and even offended Jax is not only still in love with her but might even like her more.
Which brings us to Jax's side; he likes being kissed by her even when he knows she doesn't mean anything by it and that it is just a way to hurt him. He's not clueless about her intentions so isn't emotionally hurt or bothered by it he just accepts it. In fact he's kinda weird about it and it makes him like her more. Because?? Best way I can say it is Jax is a bit of a freak and craves someone to put him in his place because he knows he's a rotten asshole but isn't going to stop or change that behavior any time soon if ever. Knows there are other people out there who hate him, knows he's a bad person but isn't going to do anything himself about it. Deep inside he wants someone to fight back. Falling for Gangle and eventually getting his ass beaten by her were two different things that ironically tied nicely together for his wants. So unlike the other party in this song, he doesn't feel betrayed by her actions. In fact he likes it. What exactly they've been up to and the status of their relationship after this incident I've left up to interpretation for the reader but, Jax and Gangle do have a mutual understanding of it. They're both getting benefits from what they've been up to and are enjoying it for different reasons (maybe sometimes even the same reasons). So are in a ""happier"" outcome than what's implied for the two in the song I think.
The song tells of a situation and doesn't reveal to us if the two in the parties eventually come to a solution though. So parts of the song could work for acetate ribbon, when they're in that moment of stuck in the cycle for those two days.
8 notes
¡
View notes
Note
if the monsters [the main/first four at least] had theme music what do you think it would be like,,, asking because I only compose once in a BLUE MOON and I need ideas so I can make songs for them WITH your permission âď¸
OOOOOOOOOO this is a good one hmmmmmmmmmm
Kobb's theme music would be what I call "protest/revolution music" like shit from the Vietnam War era and the early 00's Green Day/MCR. Just that vindictive, angry music of the system and just playing their feelings out when faced with near-hopeless situations against infinitely powerful entities.
This might be a sneak peak into what I have planned for the 5-year time gap between BoTW and ToTK, but if I had to make a "theme song" for that period it'd be "Holiday" by Green Day (ESPECIALLY THE LYRICS "the ones who died without a name" BECAUSE IT'S LIKE ALL THE MONSTERS THAT WERE LOST TO THE MALICE FOREVER AAAAAAAAA)
Sledge is sea shanties. Like, I can't really think of a better music style for its whole arc. It's the reminiscing of how things could've been, it's the melancholy memories of those who are no longer there, it's the isolation of the sea, it's the finding the small joys in those around you, it's the being stuffed in a small spot but never feeling cramped, IT'S SEA SHANTIES BABYYYYYYY
I don't have a specific song for Sledge, but just that minimalistic and/or vocals only shanty/folk song that works best. Funny enough when writing some chapters I occasionally put on like 3-hour sea shanty mixes from YouTube jhkajsdfhjl
Zayl to me is extremely Pink Floyd core (psychedelic rock in general but especially the band). Zayl is such an interesting character because from anyone first meeting it, it's this extremely chill down-to-earth monster that looks like it's never had a worry in its life. But then you scratch the surface and find that while its personality isn't a front, it's been dealt SO MUCH pain and anguish that you wonder how it can still be smiling. And then you have the musical contrast that PF does when it goes from ethereal to whimsical to gritty and harsh, and how Zayl whenever it enters combat seems to become a completely different monster with how it shuts down and locks in. Like it tries the hardest out of all of them not to let remnants of its old life leak out, but when they do it's more obvious than any of them.
If you have 17 minutes of free time, PLEASE listen to Dogs by PF. It's such a good song and I cannot get enough of the lyrics about working yourself to the bone, stepping over anyone in your way, all to please those above you, only to get discarded, betrayed, and tossed away when you've outlived your usefulness. It's one of THE allegories that inspired how I wrote the Malice in RaTC
Rezek is 100% fast-paced rock/metal. Shit that comes to mind for me is like Offspring, MUSE, Megadeth, etc. Probably its most famous moment where it goes toe-to-toe with the whole Wizzrobe army in the chapter "Reapers and Hawks" is a direct callback to the song "Reapers" by MUSE (and naysayers will call Drones bad and MUSE's worst album which it ISN'T but this isn't the place for me to rant about that lol)
It just fits its fighting style too well. I just love that I gave it this frantic almost manic style to contrast its more uppity nature than the rest of the monsters. Perhaps it gets a little too into the magic but you can't argue with results.
I hope this was the answer you're looking for! I have very old-people taste in music thanks to my parents giving me Dark Side of the Moon in middle school jhalfdjhk
One day I'll make a playlist of every song that helped inspire me to write RaTC and all the songs I have imaginary music videos of my blorbos dancing in my head,,,
2 notes
¡
View notes
Note
yo! do you have any songs for the black bulls as a group? :D
Hi! Thank you so much for your ask and for playing! I'm really excited for this one because I have a lot of songs that make me think of the Black Bulls as a group! (Truthfully, I'm a little embarrassed of my "catch all" Black Clover playlist đ --there's a lot of random stuff on there that would probably require lots of explaining, but it started off as a Black Bulls playlist so the beginning of the playlist has a lot of songs I associate with them as a group on it (before it started getting into more random things and songs for specific characters and situations). Here's the link if you want to see into my most random musical selections. I promise I can explain...đ
đ) It was hard to decide on just a handful, but I limited myself to 6 so it wouldn't get too overwhelming (listed below in no particular order):
"Freaks Like Us" by Sleeping Wolf
"So Am I" by Ava Max
"Unstoppable" by The Score
"Where I Belong" by Simple Plan, State Champs, and We The Kings
"Freak Show" by Ingrid Michaelson
"No Limits" by Zayde Wolf
I feel like these are all pretty straightforward (as you can probably tell from the titles đ
), but I have still included a little discussion under the cut with all the Spotify and You Tube links.
"Freaks Like Us" by Sleeping Wolf might be my favourite Black Bulls song, and I listen to it a lot when I'm brainstorming. The refrain especially makes me think of them welcoming new members because a lot of the squad was "getting lost in the rush" of normalcy and expectations, but Captain Yami saw something in each of them ("the wild burnin' in [their] eyes" so to speak) and showed them there was more to life than just being miserable trying to fit in. I love that "feel the dark turnin' into light" line for this reason too--really speaks to how being a part of the Black Bulls "family" of misfits helps each of them begin to heal from those dark and horrible things in their pasts. The lines "Take your hand and lead you to the voices/Make your reality, make your reality" also speak to this point as well and that sense of regaining power of one's life. Maybe I'm just thinking about Vanessa's backstory (since she's one of my favourites), but the whole concept that we can make our own destiny and while we can't change the past we can change the future is a big part of a lot of the Black Bullsâ stories. I think Yami (and now Asta) really inspire that in a lot of the squad who have felt trapped in one way or another.
Lastly, I'll mention that the "we're not the monsters in your dreams" line reminds me of how the rest of the world sees the Black Bulls in the canon (i.e. they're a little afraid of them and think they're destructive and somewhat frightening, the "worst of the worst" magic knight squad) when really we know, as the reader/watcher, they are "just freaks" or misfits or misunderstood (whatever you'd want to call them) and they're the best in our hearts. The references to "playing with magic" and how "playing it safe is not enough" are just added bonuses. đ
Do you want to be freaks like us? Keep on getting lost in the rush Call it a habit, I gotta have it Playing it safe is not enough
See the wild burnin' in your eyes Feel the dark turnin' into light Playing with magic, it's automatic We're not the monsters in your dreams We're just freaks
Sleeping Wolf - Freaks Like Us - Official Lyric Video - YouTube
In a similar vein to "Freaks Like Us," "So Am I" by Ava Max is also about social outcasts/misfits finding each other and encouraging each other that "it's okay to be different" because they're not alone in that, which I think is one of the biggest things that the Black Bulls are all about. I think I mentioned elsewhere on this blog that I used to jokingly call them the "Island of Misfit Toys" when I was binging the anime because the squad really is this place to belong for all of these delightful, oddball characters who haven't really fit in anywhere else (for one reason or another). I think this song really speaks to that and how they accept each other and encourage each other to be themselves (even if the rest of the world writes them off for it). On a more specific note, I always think of Magna during the "So, baby, come pass me a lighter/We're gonna leave 'em on fire" line. đ
Do you ever feel like a misfit? Everything inside you is dark and twisted Oh, but it's okay to be different 'Cause baby, so am I
Ava Max - So Am I [Official Lyric Video] - YouTube
"Unstoppable" by The Score reminds me of the squad's resilience--a lot of Asta's "never give up" and Captain Yami's "push past your limits" attitude perhaps but I think every Black Bull has a little bit of that fight in them that makes them get back up again and keep trying despite everything they've suffered in their lives, even when things are difficult and the odds are against them. The world of Black Clover has kind of written them off, but we see over the course of the series that they learn (with Asta's help and inspiration especially) that they "can be heroes." I'm especially reminded of the epiphany a lot of the characters experience on this point in one of my favourite story arcs in the underwater temple when I listen to this song.
We can be heroes everywhere we go Keeping us down is impossible 'Cause we're unstoppable
The Score - Unstoppable (Official Audio) - YouTube
So I'll be honest and tell you that "Where I Belong" by Simple Plan, State Champs, and We The Kings is on loan from my Vanessa playlist since it usually makes me think of that wonderful moment at the end of the Forest of Witches Arc (one of my all-time favorites) when Vanessa realises that what she has found in the outside world is a squad family that truly loves her for who she is and that her real home is with them. I feel like a lot of characters have these same kind of feelings towards the squad as a real "home" and place to belong! đ
I love these lines especially: "Let you in on one of my secrets/ I'm still just as lost as yesterday/ But it feels like home" because it really speaks to how finding a home doesn't mean that the journey is over and all the problems are solved. The Black Bulls still have their wounds and things they need to work through, but now they have a support system, a family, that gives them the strength and encouragement they each need to keep moving forward.
I found a reason And suddenly I'm not so alone I'm finally breathing Like I never could on my own Start the countdown, let's get it on Scream our lungs out to our favorite song 'Cause this is where I belong
Where I Belong (feat. We The Kings) - YouTube
I've included "Freak Show" by Ingrid Michaelson because while it has a very similar message to the other songs on this list, it has a different sound/is a different genre of music. Again, this is a song about finding love and acceptance in a band of misfits the singer refers to (with a sort of affection) as "the freak show." I especially love the lines "Feels different tonight with you here at my side/ Oh, I could just get lost here for days" and there is something about the (somewhat cheeky) attitude of "Who wants to be normal anyway?" that really makes me think of the Black Bulls. đ
Well, you're not the only weird one Here, let me show you where I'm from
Welcome to the freak show I got a place that we can go
Freak Show - YouTube
This list wouldn't be complete without the song "No Limits" by Zayde Wolf even though it's pretty on the nose with its "No Limits/ No Limits" over and over. After all l, what are the Black Bulls without their captain always encouraging them, âpush past your limits.â That kind of determination, perseverance, and resilience is definitely a big part of what makes the Black Bulls the squad we all know and love.
No limits, no limits Can't hold me back, I'm all in it No limits, no limits No dream is too big not to finish
Don't stop, keep going, don't stop, keep going
No limits, no limits
NO LIMITS (Lyrics) - ZAYDE WOLF - YouTube
Thank you so much for the ask and for bearing with me (and my inability to narrow down the list đ
)! I hope you like these songs!
#cyrooo!!#thank you so much for playing and for the ask#song ask game#the black bulls#the black bulls as family#the island of misfit toys#i love them so much#pretty sure my brain thinks 80% in music and obscure references
3 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Oh hey...Angst //fingerguns//
So I talked to Kana about this a little bit and the thought just wouldnât let me off the hook for the remaining day. So uhm...
Okay maybe a little exposition first?Â
I basically hold the headcanon that Eizan does have a crush on Nene and I hold that headcanon very firmly -w- But at the same time, I am not completely delusional (even if that is maybe hard to believe)Â and I know that itâs....very unlikely for the two to become end game and believe me, Iâve come to terms with that pretty long ago.Â
However, combined with my headcanon it does create a situation of welp the trope you call âUnrequited Loveâ and yeaaaaaaaaaah, this is my take on an unrequited love fic (a short one though)
I uhm, I am not very experienced with Angst if I am being honest, but I tried. I even listened to a âHeartbreak Playlistâ. Anyways, I can only say from my point of view that this is....the most angsty thing I ever wrote so far.Â
And itâs basically me, ripping my own heart out, throwing it down the stairs, picking it up again, throwing it on the street to let it be run over by a fucking car. And setting it on fire afterwards. Â
And yup, this is simply my personal self-destruction fic, have fun I guess -w-
-
Eizan Etsuya never had been much into romance. From a young age on, he never really understood what just fascinated everyone so much about the word âloveâ. He was convinced that his own parents didnât love each other for even a second in their long marriage. They never kissed, called each other by sweet nicknames, hugged or held hands. Actually the more older he grew, he noticed how his parents preferred to look at completely different persons, usually younger than them, with clearly attracted eyes. But whenever they looked at each other there was nothing but cold void which was the product of a marriage merely based on prestige and family benefit. Thatâs how it worked in the world he grew up in. There was a reason why such things as pink and flattery fairytales where destined lovers always found their happy end were kept from him. There was a reason why his father kept telling him that âloveâ will only cost your ruin in the world of business. It made you vulnerable, it made you weak, it was quite simply not something he could allow himself to feel. And yet, despite all the warnings, he fell in love. Hard. And he learned it in the most cruel way that his father was right all along. â It was so unfair. So unfair. So unfair. So unfair. He was supposed to be cold. Vicious. Cruel. Such bullshit like this shouldnât hit him that hard. But here he was. Feeling like he had been stabbed repeatedly but forced to be standing regardless. His knees were weak and could barely support him. The room was decently heated but he still felt like he broke into ice and fell into the freezing water underneath. And in his chest there was his terribly aching heart, with each and everyone of itâs beats being a piercing pain that was just unbearable. Like every other guestâs his eyes were fixated on the main attraction of the evening. The reason why everyone came at all. The gracefully dancing couple that currently had the dance floor all for themselves. But unlike the others who eyed the perfect synergy and beautiful choreography of the couple as a whole, he only had eyes for the woman in white in the arms of her husband. Although to him she looked gorgeous in everything she put on, the dress certainly made her look like a goddess walking on earth. Her hair, which held the most beautiful shade of green that there was to him, had been handled with care and surely experienced hands braided it into a stunning hairdo. Her natural beauty didnât require much make up to make her shine regardless and the make up artist defiantly took notice of that. Her lips were curled into a small, happy smile that made his aching heart flutter and her beautiful red eyes were attached to the sparkling blue ones they were supposed to. He saw her expression being frosty and cold so often, but there was none of this in that very moment. Kinokuni Nene. Of all the people he could have fallen for, it had to be her. A girl clearly destined to someone else from the very beginning on. Fate had intertwined them from a young age on and as destiny commanded it, they grew closer and closer like the entire world had always predicted it. From the moment on in which he had felt how his heartbeat got a bit faster as she passed his way somewhere in middle school times, he should have known that it would lead nowhere. And surely he had been in denial about his feelings for a long way. But it was hard not to admire her sheer elegance and refinement. Her precision. Her coldness. Her hidden warmth. Her ambition. Her rare smiles. Her knowledge around various topics. Her snarky comments towards Kuga. Her beautiful, delicate voice. Her firm look when she had turned to him and told him, him alone, that she believed that Central was the right thing for the school. No matter how hard he tried to battle reason back into his mind, when she yawned he wanted to offer her his shoulder to sleep on, when she was freezing he wanted to offer her his jacket and when she rushed past him after he lost her fight against Yukihira, all he wished was to run after her and pull her in his arms. There were times when he thought he might have a chance. Sometimes she would eye Isshiki so coldly, so darkly. She had been ready to sacrifice him to make Azamiâs reign possible. Those were the time when he allowed the sheer foolery to take over his brain and make him believe that he might, might, might got to hold her after all. But thatâs what it was. Sheer foolery. In the end, destiny of course won over and he was there, alongside all the other students in the hall where the Team Shokugeki took place, as her cold eyes melted and were replaced by such a softness, only dedicated to the man she was dancing with right now. If this was all one of the fairytales that had been shunned from him as kid, then they would be the Princess and the Prince. Overcoming all the tribulation fate put into their way to only make their destined happy end even sweeter. In this story the only role he could possibly take on was that of the monstrous dragon who fell for the beauty of the princess and would be punished by a sword through the heart at the very end of the story for his ridiculous idea that a princess and a dragon could be together. As the dance ended and the couple came to a halt, eyes attached to each other oh so lovingly, he turned away not joining into the claps and cheers from all the others. No one took notice of him anyway. And so as he heard things becoming lively behind him, as the guests now were allowed to rush to the dancefloor as well and cheery music started playing, he sat down far away from all the tumult on some chair in the shadows. He pulled out his mobile phone and did not mind the glaring, cold, blue light that emerged from the screen as he searched for the chat with his father. With a complete void in his eyes he agreed on meeting that one woman, from that one high-ranking family that his father had always told him about. People should know their place in fate after all. He put his phone back into the pocket and closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to give himself in to stupid, childish fantasies of a universe where things were different and where it were the dragons who got the princesses in the end.
#so yeah goodbye I am dead now#MY HEART IS SHATTERED#I legitimately cried okay??#I am very weak and emotional#by the way from the playlist the song which fits the situation probably best is How am I supposed to live without you by Michael Bolton#and I know I will not forever get super emo when listening to this song#Lea is writing#legitimately don't know how I can even tag this further??#//lies down
9 notes
¡
View notes
Text
atlas | kim dongyoung
pairing: doyoung x reader
words: 15.4k
summary: kim doyoung has a lot of titles. student body president, music club president, favourite student of every professor whoâs blessed enough to have him. in other words, heâs not your type and never will be. at least heâs a good kisser.
or, you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and you do not know how to hold things as delicate as glass.
genre: college au, fwb au, hurt/comfort, angst, some fluffÂ
warnings: very suggestive content, making out, language, smoking, alcohol, mentions of sex under influence, me being pretentious,,
prompt: anonymous said: slippery + doyoung + "you can rely on me, you know." from the first dialogue link! LOVE YOU â¤ď¸
song rec(s): playlist here !
a/n: yes itâs me experimenting out of my comfort zone again. yes you are required by law to listen to keshi while reading this hahahaha anyway writing this was painful. <3 (aka today i tried writing very complex human emotions and failed again. classic.)
In the beginning, there was no beginning. Ergo, this isnât really a thing.
You shouldnât be thinking of summer in Introduction to Latin. You are a good (perhaps great, if your ego allows) student after all. Here you are, though, listening to the ticking of the clock and wondering if you sigh loud enough, you wonât have to construct another sentence with the word for âdeathâ. You pause to tell yourself that you shouldnât be thinking of summer out of class either. Unremarkable; that's what it was and you donât like unremarkable things.
When two people end up alone together, thereâs not much to make of.Â
âYou know,â he had said, locking eyes. âWe should get out of here.â
âAnd then what?â
âFuck.â
So hereâs the thing: this isnât and wonât be a thing.
Doyoung has never been subtle when drunk, you found out, and heâs not as gentle as he looks. You flip the page of your notebook absentmindedly. You donât like where your thoughts are going; the clinking of ice against glass rings in your ears again. Itâs been far too long (one whole month) and youâre craving a bit of fun. You may forget yourself but youâre reaching your fingertips a little too far to call him again. More excuses pop up. See, in your world of perfection, thereâs a hierarchy of things; men rank rather low.Â
(Fun doesnât.)
Hereâs another thing: you forget yourself quite often. You know very well that youâre the one who continued this not-thing and now youâre daydreaming of Kim Doyoung in class hours.Â
And under grey bed sheets with a tired smile, Doyoung is hard to forget.Â
It was a party, it always is. That time, however, was the first party of the year Doyoung and you happened to be attending at the same time. You canât remember who hosted itâthe frat probablyâbut it was at a bar called the âThe Meeting Placeâ which had too many people you didnât care about. Doyoung was there, in his laid-back glory, and you were drawn in far too easily. Being single did not help your caseâand the alcohol certainly didnât. Youâre not sure if it was the gentle touches against your wrist or quick words that left his mouth or the attractive all-black get-up. All you know is that it was your mouth against his by the end of the night in a small booth, hot and impatient. Once, twice, thrice and you didnât even need parties anymore.Â
Itâs not like you werenât aware of what you were doing; itâs just that you were quick to give inâlike you didnât want to resist in the first place. And now, summer smells like Doyoungâs perfume.Â
The first night had given Mr. Student Body President a near-stroke. You werenât the type to sleep with strange (semi-acquainted) men at parties either so the morning had been full of awkward explanations to each other till youâd kissed him to shut him up (much like in a disgusting romantic comedy, minus the feelings) and somehow, it worked. He didnât refuse and if you recall, heâd eventually pulled you closer by the waist.
You huff, twirling your pen. Heâd never admit it.
You didnât kiss so sloppily after that, unless it was to make out against a wall or while fumbling with the keys to your apartment. The lack of alcohol can bring wonders. You were a little surprised that heâd agreedâhe is the Doyoung youâve known since freshman year after all; blunt, rude, cares more for his grades than heâd ever for you. How laughable. Heâs almost the same as you.
Hereâs one last thing: Kim Doyoung is not and cannot be your type.Â
You had the same part-time job in your second semester at a local fast food joint, and to summarize, your interactions were less than friendly. You canât possibly count the number of times he yelled at you for trivial mistakes, and the number of times you sent angry, clipped sentences his way. So, yes, neither of you have told anyoneâjust acting friendly got you enough eyebrow raises. If thereâs anything worse than contradicting yourself almost directly, itâs having to explain that to your friends. So, you kept it a secret and so did he, for his own reasons.
You massage your forehead. If you think any more of this during class hours, youâre going to have to classify this as a terrible, terrible problem; like you donât have enough already. You tune in to the lecture again, hoping it drowns out the rest of your thoughts.Â
You tap your pen against the desk till youâre asked to stop by the professor. There goes your last resort. It isnât the first time, but you breathe a sigh of relief at the hands of the clock. Casual means casualâyou know it better than anyone. Maybe it would be easier if you could be more open about it. But you canât. Your own problems aside, Doyoung would kill you if his reputation went down, even a nick. Men like that are so difficult, you curse to yourself.Â
You run into Ten in the hallways, brightening at his absurdly wide grin. In fact, you havenât seen him remotely upset since freshman year, when he couldnât join the dance club, not because he failed the audition but because he mixed up the dates and missed it entirely. (Itâs okay; he got in the next year.)
âGuess what!â he yells before youâre even in conversation range.
âWhat?â you yell back.
âNo, guess,â he says, when youâre close enough.
You roll your eyes. âYou scored a date?â
Ten deadpans. âNo. I donât even want one.â
âLoser.â
âNo, you.â
âHow clever.â
Ten flicks your forehead with no provocation whatsoever, making you yelp in pain. After a minute of cursing on your part, he squishes your cheeks to bring you back to realityâlike he wasnât the cause. You bite your lip to keep yourself from scowling. His hair is still light brown from the bleach, and you fix his bangs out of habit; your dumb friends are all you have at the end of the day. You sigh. They all lean on you unwittingly.
âAnyway, the news? Iâm not guessing anything else,â you warn, taking a sip of your coffee.
âWell,â he draws out the syllable. âI heard- know youâre into the smart type. You know, student council kinda guys? SoâŚâ
You choke, the coffee leaving your mouth just as quick as it entered.
âWho told you that?â The laugh that leaves your mouth is forced and certainly fake but itâs the best you can do.
Ten rolls her eyes, still smiling. âI was thinking if you would be interested in a certain Park Hyungmin.â
Oh. Student body vice-president. Heâs most definitely your type, with a gifted body and equally strong academic prowessânot to mention perfectly maintained tan skin and the most radiant smile youâve ever seen in your life.Â
âOh, yeah, heâs hot,â you nod in agreement. âWhat do you want me to do with him?â
âHe likes you. Like, totally has the hots for you. And I owe him so please help me out here.â
You furrow your brows, heaving a deep sigh.
âYou...want me to go on a date with him?â you ask.Â
You can oblige. Park Hyungmin is the hottest dude on campus (probably). Itâs a win-win situationâin fact, itâs even better. A certain bitter taste finds itself in your mouth. It must be the coffee. You swallow it.Â
âYeah.â
And the dealâs done.
It was casual commitment, like most things you do for fun. You donât think much of it, and the thought takes its final bow when you run into Doyoung himself.
Well, sort of.
You turn heel when he appears in your line of sight, pretending to fix your hair against a damn wall. You arenât quite ready to face him yet, considering the coffee hasnât kicked inâitâs not healthy how much you depend on it. Dependence is different, however, from consciously drowning yourself in it.Â
See, Doyoung is anything but tolerable without a few shots of vodka. Or after sex. Or when heâs mumbling in his sleep. And you canât erase any of those scenes. This is you trying to save yourself (and Doyoung) from embarrassment and a whole lot of explanation.
His coat looks expensive and youâd rather he had it on instead of on his arm. The tucked-in sweater and pants combo accentuates the line of his waist and the colourâyou wonder where he found a teal so fittingâlooks serene in the crowd. Heâs wearing his glasses though, looking a little less put together than usual. Still, no one seems to notice and he continues to explain something to his group of friends.
God forbid you find Doyoung attractive during daytime.
His lips are chapped but pink as ever, the hair messed up by either the wind or his friendsâyou should stop staring by now. You give in. Youâll text him to book a hotel room tonight.
Sometimes you wonder how he has that large a friend circle, and always, the question answers itself. Eloquence, wit and regrettably, good looksâwhat does he lack? Maybe if he lost the habit to nag people around fifty-six times a day, heâd be the perfect man. Â
An arm slings over your shoulder, punting the soul right out of your body.
âFuck, Johnny, donât do that,â you hiss, placing your hand over your chest involuntarily.Â
The head of the photography club apparently spends his time terrorizing everyone he remotely knows. You make a foul expression but iItâs not like he ever minds your scowling. He says heâs had enough practice from teasing Doyoung (and youâll admit, itâs the only time you feel sorry for him). You were certain Doyoung would have filed him for harassment sometime in sophomore year.Â
âWhat are you even looking at?â Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow at the plain offwhite expanse of the wall in front of you.
You feel hot at the neck. âI was fixing my hair.â
âIn front of a wall?â
You click your tongue. âDo you not have class?â
âOh, donât be so quick to send me off.â He places a hand over his chest in mock hurt, fingers stretched delicately.Â
To your dismay, the rest of his friends gather around giving you happy greetingsâgreetings only carefree college boys are capable of delivering. To your further dismay, Kim Doyoung arches an eyebrow at you, the same way he does on nights youâre doing things less than appropriate to think of in broad daylight.
âHey, Doyoung, donât you have anything to say? Or were you too drunk to remember?â
You bite down on your lip a little too hard. Doyoung, on the other hand, looks like heâs just seen God, stammering out a âwhat?â nevertheless.
âWerenât you supposed to buy (name) a drink for driving you home that night?â
âRight,â he says, clearing his throat.
Oh, heâs bought you a drink enough times. Summer has waned but whatever thread you tied around your wrists hasnât. Right now, your guess is that Doyoung has been ensnared in the common ritual for college boys to walk around campus and declare their friend is single just to embarrass him (or by some miracle, score him a date).
Everything, apart from the way you look at Doyoung, feels like a charade. You shake your head with a quick laugh, smacking Johnny in the arm and pay your condolences to Doyoungâkeep it light. Youâre good at it, or pretending youâre good at it, at the very least.
Doyoungâs gaze on you lingers for a moment and then you breathe. Youâre going to be late for classâyou offer the classic excuse and youâre out of there. In a way, itâs exciting. Youâve always wanted to have a secret relationship, even if this isnât a real one.Â
Doyoung is like the summer breeze, and youâd like for him to stay that way.
The next time you grace each otherâs presence is when Doyoungâs tongue is in your mouth and his hands are running up under your shirt.Â
Heâs quite a pretty sightâmessy hair, red lips and rosy cheeks. He moans into the kiss as he has quite a few times now and thereâs the loversâ high running through either of your minds. When he presses his lips to your neck, a soft restrained sound escapes you, not quite prepared for the sting of electricity through your skin. He moves to your collarbone and shoulders and then even lower, hands gripping your waist tight. The walls do not have ears here; these hotels are cheap but theyâre built for privacy and maybe youâll let yourself believe for once that you can belong to someone.
âWhy did you text me in the middle of the goddamn night?â he mutters against the base of your neck.
âYou want reasons now?â you whisper, hands running through his hair.
Doyoung has pretty fingers, pressing at the right places and prettier eyes that look at you with something akin to, dare you say it, love. He kisses you like he hasnât had enough; and it makes you feel important.
Heâs even better when heâs annoyed.
You wake up at around five in the morning. Propping yourself up on one arm, you take a moment to look at your partner. Itâs easy to make out the line of his nose against the pillow, and if you focus, you can see his lashes against his cheek and his dark mop of hair clinging to his forehead. However gentle the moonlight is, it is kindest on a lover.Â
Funny.
Too tired to sneak out, you go back to sleep.
âAll Iâm saying is that you have too much coffee,â Doyoung complains, slipping on his loose black sweatshirt. âIt canât be good for your health.â
You shake your head, scrolling through your phone as you lay on your belly. Youâve seen this view enough timesâhis back to you and sitting at the opposite edge of the bed, his incessant complaints and opinions about something that happened recently, running his hand through his hair when he sighs. You press on the calendar app and type in a note labeled âxâ. Keeping tabs isnât a bad thing; especially if you like order. Spending too many nights with someone is going to land you in trouble. That said, if you could trap love in a bottle, you would.
âYou taste like coffee,â Doyoung adds with reddening ears.
Sometimes, itâs easy to ignore what he says if you listen to the sound of his voice instead. You sit up, scooting closer as Doyoung shoots you an alarmed look. Heâs so cute like this; something about all the painted fences he puts up around him makes you want to lean in closer.
âSo,â you poke his side. âHow many relationships have you been in? Proper ones.â
âThree,â he answers, to your surprise.
Your eyebrows shoot up. âThatâs more than Iâve been in!â
Doyoung furrows his. âHow many have you been in?â
âOne.â
He seems equally surprised but doesnât probe further. After all, the price sticker that spells âyouthâ clings to his forehead just as it clings to yours.Â
âHow many people have you fucked?â you ask suddenly, enjoying the visible flush across his neck.
âYouâre doing this on purpose,â he notes, flicking your forehead.
âOw!â You place your palm against your forehead. âOkay, I get it, you have nothing to brag about.â
He shakes his head, an exasperated sigh leaving him. âI just donât think you have to know. I like privacy.â
âWait.â You gasp. âDonât tell me- That night- donât tell me you were a virginââ
Doyoung squishes your cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, a laugh erupting from your mouth.Â
âWhoâs a virgin?â
Nothing about this, you find yourself realizing, is complicated. Itâs easy, gentle, natural, like a breath of fresh airâeverything but complicated. Even under dim lights and within the depths of night, Doyoung is warm and uncomplicated. His chest, his hands, his lipsâthey are warm, as are his words.Â
But Doyoung is a fucking fairytale. Â
Even after these few months, all you know about him, in the definitive format, is that he plays the keys for more hours than he sleeps. What he does for fun, what his classes are, how he became student body presidentâyou could play guessing games all night.
âDo your friends know where you spend your nights?â you ask, leaning back against the pillows.
âThey know what Iâm doing, not who Iâm with,â he responds, running his fingers through his hair.
You purse your lips. Itâs nothing hurtful but you donât like the hush-hush in his tone.
âWhy not?â
âBecause this is a secret,â he responds as if itâs the most natural thing in the world. âDo you want them to know?â
Heâs right.
âAh, whatever,â you mutter, a stream of curses following when your elbow collides hard with the edge of the bedside table.Â
âYour mouth is filthy.â He looks away to his phone. âI donât swear as much.â
âWell, of course it is. I had yourââ
Doyoung presses his palm against your lips with a tired sigh. âPlease. Donât speak. For the sake of my sanity.â
You smile under his hand and he returns it; and the November morning warms up.
âWhere were you last night?â
You were expecting the question. Areum is the worst possible candidate for a roommate if you want some privacy. You donât think she ever sleeps; sometimes, you wonder if she even showers because all she does is stare at her laptop screen and adjust her designs. Her lips are always chapped and her hair is always in a simple low ponytail but somehow still messy. Youâve never met someone so exhausted yet so full of life at the same time.
âWho were you with last night?â Eunji yells from the bathroom, before the two of them laugh.
You knew you shouldnât have stayed the morning. You have the nosiest roommates anyone could (not) ask for. But theyâre still your friends, you tell yourself begrudgingly. You would tell them about Doyoung if it werenât for Eunjiâs big mouth and Areumâs lack of common sense. And if it werenât for the inherent comfort of privacy.
(Some part of you wants to keep him to yourself. You donât care about student council president Doyoung or his friend groupâs everything-regulator Doyoung or always-has-his-shit-together Doyoung. The one in your bed is the most loving.)
Areum adjusts her glasses, narrowing her eyes at you. âSo? Any answer?â
You break out of your daydream at her voice, feeling a flush creep up your neck.
âI donât have to explain anything,â you retort, snatching the coffee she brewed from the tabletop. âIt was a Friday night and the two of you like Netflix more than me.â
âThatâs mine,â Areum mumbles out a weak complaint.
âBut donât go out alone,â Eunji whines. âIt canât be safe.â
You laugh. âYou know me. I donât do anything too dangerous. Besides, you guys have that tracker app.â
They shrug, offering you a thin smile. A part of you is happy that they trust you but another part wonders what it would be like to be worried over. Maybe getting nagged isnât so bad.Â
You take a sip of Areumâs coffee and almost spit it out right back.Â
âDid you add salt?â you ask, wiping at your mouth and hoping the taste disappears.
âUh.â A reply so intelligent, you wonder if she ever pays attention to anything she's doing.Â
You take a moment (a few), sigh (several times) and make your way to the shelves. Grumbling, you make her a proper cup of coffee before you leave.
Classes donât wait for you (even if you think they should) and the world doesnât wait for you (again, you think it should wait for people) so youâve made it a point to understand the whole deal about rules. If everyone followed the rules, it would be quite a pretty scene; messing up is only valid if itâs done prettily. You laugh at the thought. Thatâs near impossible. The bus ride to the campus consists of music and thoughts of bleak tomorrowsâan average commute for college kids, you think. You sure hope you arenât alone in this.
Doyoung smiles at you in the hallway today, and despite your best efforts, it makes your day smell a little fresher.
Your day: classes, coffee break, classes, complaining with Ten, assignments, âmeâ time. For someone who pretends to be laid back, you use your planner as though for survival. Thereâs no sticky notes or colourful sketches (except on occasion); just good old fashioned to-do lists and a calendar marked with time youâve spent on productivity. Every day is a list to be completed. If people call routine a man-made cage, instinct is the biological cage. Youâd rather be in control of the cage youâre in. Youâd rather be in control of yourself. Itâs scary otherwise.
So you know how to get the job doneâitâs ingrained into you the same way you would place your hands over your ears at loud sounds, or the way you would run to your bed in the dark after switching off the lights.
It never occurs to you that the reason your world is so perfect is a sad one.
Sometime next month, itâs going to snow. Not yet though, and itâs still too cold.
The inside of the cafe helps the slightest, the heaters situated far back from where you sit. Christmas decorations are up already and the combination of red and green meshes delightfully into the form of an aching headache. The wood paneling on the walls are worn at the corners, the garlands hardly covering them, and the barista behind the counter seems as gloomy as the decorations are bright. You wouldnât be noticing all of this if you werenât stuck in one position.
You lean your cheek further into your palm and sigh, only this time Ten asks you to, quote, âshut the fuck upâ.
He pulls up his sleeve and reaches for another pencil. His cryptic process continues, as it has been for the past half an hour and you feel yourself getting impatient, trying to not bounce your leg and get another bout of quibbling from your half-mad artist friend. You donât usually run low on patience; but Ten has a special pass to test drive it.
âHow much lonââ
âShh!â He hushes you quickly. You canât remember why you agreed to being his portrait study subject but you sure as hell regret it.
Around fifteen minutes later, you take a (permitted) breath. You have neither the energy nor the neck strength to glare at Ten but you make sure to show your displeasure by snatching the cookies from the table with a particularly sour look. He gets up and pushes you to the side of the small worn-out couch offered by the equally small booth.
âGod, that chair was uncomfortable. My butt is frozen solid,â he lets you know, and you roll your eyes.
âYou know, if we werenât friends in high school, I would never be friends with you,â you state.
Ten tilts his head to the side, a mocking pout over his lips. âI would die without you, (name). Really.â
You smack his arm and he yelps, smacking your arm right back. The sound attracts some attention and giggles, and you make a gagging gesture to let them know you are in way or form in a relationship. The low-volume music changes to something with a more distinguishable beat, the sound of doors opening and closing almost every two minutes accompanying. Arriving on time is an accomplishment, especially arriving before rush hour on Fridays at the only decent cafe on campus, but both of your classes end early and there is no way you arenât taking advantage of that. Leaving, however, is mostly done when youâre being glared at by the waiters and waitresses.
âDoyoung asked about you,â Ten says, all of a sudden. âKim Doyoung.â
You try to not show concern, but raise an eyebrow. âWhat? So? Heâs not my type or anything.â
You bite your tongue. That was too quick a response, too obvious. Your cheeks grow hot. Ten doesn't say anything, however, and for a moment, you think youâre in safe waters.Â
âAre you guys⌠into each other or not?â
You cough, trying to show your surprise at something so outrageous. âWhy would you think that? Does he look like someone who dates around?â
âActually, heâs been on quite a few dates.â
âNo way.â
You know that. Heâs told you about it before, in vague references, but you know about them nonetheless.
âIsnât one student council guy enough?â you mumble. âWhy are we talking about Doyoung?â
He shrugs, a familiar feline smile on his face. âJust asking. He talks about you sometimes. Actually, we forced it out of him but whatever.â
You shake your head. âYouâre all terrible.â
âYou seem to like him though.â
âWho said that?â
Ten sighs, ignoring your question. âIf you guys are datingââ
âWeâre not.â
ââor fuckingââ
âTen.â
ââyou should learn a thing or two about him. The guyâs not as annoying as he looks. Or stuck-up. Heâs really nice but donât tell him I said that.â
âI know that,â you snap, feeling warm at the neck all of a sudden. âI know him.â
âOh, you do? Tell me what his hobbies are then. Or his major. Or the clubs heâs in, apart from the student council.â
âHe- He likes to sing and heâs- heâsâgod, what is this? An interrogation? Iâm not going to meet his mom for dinner.â
Ten gives you an âI knew itâ look before leaning his elbow onto the table. âYouâre sleeping with a guy you donât know anything about. Serial killers would love you.â
You massage your forehead. âLook, I know heâs a good guy, okay? And heâs sweet- and- andâwait a minute. Oh my god, you tricked me.â
Ten lets out a snort. âHey. Okay, look, the other guys might be dumb as shit but I have, you know, a working set of eyes. I can tell. Itâs not that hard.â
You grumble but the catâs out of the bag anyway. You shouldâve known Ten would figure it outâheâs a nosy little shit, and heâs been that way since high school.
âWhatever. As long as Doyoung doesnât start panicking about his tarnished reputation or whatever.â
âOh, I think heâs desperate to let everyone know.â
âTo you, Ten, everything seems obvious. Itâs annoying.â You mess up his hair.
âNo, I mean, I thought you were dating.â
âWell, weâre not.â
Ten shrugs.Â
âAnd I donât like him,â you add. âI like the- the thing thatâs going on because thereâs no feelings attached.â
He looks somewhat pained, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed, but doesnât respond to your explanation. âCan I ask for a favour?â
âNo.â
Ten sighs. âCome on. You didnât even hear me out.â
âYouâre going to say something stupid. Or insulting.â
âItâs neither, promise.â
You run your hand through your hair, breathing shallow. âFine. I donât have to agree though.â
Ten purses his lips. âItâd be better if you did.â
You hum in response, biting into the cookie and trying to ignore the glare from the nearby waitress. Itâs about time you left anyway.
âGet to know him, dude. Donât break his heart.â
âWhat?â
âJust kidding. Thereâs a party tonight. Hosted by yours truly. Finally moved out of that stinky dorm room. Bring over some friends but not more than three. And lend me some money for a juicebox.â
âThatâs a lot,â you mutter. âYou ask for a lot of favours.â
âOh, speaking of which, Hyungminââ
âHe already asked me out on a date. Am I supposed to say no? You never mentioned he has such an attractive voice.â
âOh, Iâm not telling you to not go on that date. You have to, actually. Iâm going to be in a lot of trouble otherwise.â
âThat sounds good to me.â
âShut up. Iâm not done speaking.â
You roll your eyes.
âBut if you didnât, I could draw some conclusions.â
âWhat am I, your chemistry experiment now?â
âWell, you and Doyoung seem to beââ
âDonât complete that sentence.â
âI was going to say something funny.âÂ
Ten flashes you a blinding smile and you sigh. By now, youâre about to get kicked out of here so you stand up discreetly while he packs up his stuff. You hug your jacket close to you as soon as you leave, shivering at the evening breeze. The sky is inky, but with a faint sort of inkâdeep blue and light, all at once. From the crowd, you can tell classes just got over for quite a few people, eclectic chatter filling up the street.
âFine. Iâll bring Eunji,â you tell Ten after some contemplation. âAnd whoever else responds to my text first. Areum never leaves the room. You know that.â
âThanks, (name)!â he messes up your hair. âI would give you a kiss but someone will end up punching my pretty face.â
You furrow your brows. âWell, youâre not my type anyway.â
âIâm too good for you,â he responds in a sing-song manner, waving at you before running off and disappearing into the university crowd.
Thereâs always a sort of buzz in the air you canât quite describe at college parties.
Even if this is a relatively small one, you feel an oncoming headache the moment you enter Tenâs new apartment, which youâre sure had a âno partiesâ rule in the rental contract. You spot Kun, Tenâs roommate from the dorms and he flashes you a quick smile in greeting before heâs swept up by a doting crowd. Apparently, a cute guy in animal sciences is rare and it makes him rather popular.
Eunji disappears from your side the moment she spots Johnny, and the number of eye rolls youâve given her havenât warned her off him yet. You suppose it takes heartbreak to change a person. Sighing, you make your way to the kitchen only to be greeted with the strange sight of Yuta trying to balance Jaehyun on his back so they can imitate some anime formation and back out immediately. Living room, it is, despite its populous space. (You donât really want to think of bedrooms right now.)
The apartment is quite big for what Ten told you the rent was. The hallway to the two bedrooms is narrow but you suppose something has to be sacrificed for space. You furrow your eyebrows at the two bedroom doors. Ten never said he was getting a roommate. You shrug it off, sitting down on the rather stiff couch. The lack of furniture, apart from the couch and a coffee table, makes the place look even larger and people sparse. You like the beige walls; Tenâs always loved warmer colours but something makes you think heâs going to be ruining them in a few days with garish green paint before he comes crying about that to you.
âHey.â
You look up to the familiar voice, heart rising to your throat.
âYou look like youâve seen a ghost,â Doyoung remarks before sitting down beside you and offering you a cup of god-knows-what.
âI donât take drinks from strange men,â you say, biting down your smile and crossing your arms.
âIf you didnât take drinks from strange men, we wouldnât be fuââ
âDoyoung!â you hiss before looking at him with careful suspicion. âAre you drunk?â
âNo. A little bit. Not enough.â
You sigh. âHow will you get home now?â
âI live here, idiot.â
âYouâre- Youâre Tenâs roommate?â you sputter.
âYeah. New one,â he responds. âHe used to live across our room in the dorms, I canât believe I actually agreed to this.â
âI canât believe it either. Iâve seen cats and dogs friendlier with each other than the two of you.â
Doyoung laughs. âHeâs surprisingly one of the better people to room with. Iâd rather eat my own blanket than room with Yuta again.â
You laugh at his irked expression, eyebrows furrowed so cutely. The line of his brow bone to nose to lips, it seems a little too perfect to belong to someone. He relaxes his shoulders a little, leaning back on the couch as he looks somewhat lost in thought. (âYou think too much,â youâd told him once. âAnd you think too little.â) If only that were true, you smile to yourself.
âAre you sure you can hold parties here?â you as when the music suddenly rises in volume.
âWell, it said student-friendly,â Doyoung responds, looking visibly disturbed. âNot sure if I want to test the limits of that so early.â
Thereâs a pause, filled in with loud pop music. You donât think Ten, your dear introvert, would have agreed to such a party but thereâs a chance Johnny or Jaehyun had something to do with this. You donât know who to suspect when it comes to their group of friends.
âI still canât believe youâre rooming with Ten.â You look at Doyoung.
âWell, that makes, what, eleven of us, I guess?â
You laugh, feeling conscious all of sudden. Maybe you should listen to Tenâs advice.
âDoyoung,â you call, looking at the cup in your hands a little too passionately. âWhatâs your major?â
He looks at you with eyes widened ever so slightly, and a pause over his lips.
âLinguistics,â he answers.
âOh. You said something about it once,â you mumble, recalling something vague about an assignment of his. âYou know mine?â
âYeah,â he answers, eyes cast on his watch.
âWell, that makes me feel a little guilty,â you mumble as softly as you can.
âYou should be,â he says. âYou never listen to anything I say.â
You scoff. âYou just complain most of the time.â
âReally now?â
âYes,â you snap, looking away.
You look back again when you hear the sound of Doyoungâs laugh, a distinct brightness in it. Sometimes, you wonder if you really are as awful as youâve made yourself be.
âYouâre cute,â he says. âNo wonder everyone is so in love with you.â
For a moment, you think heâs going to kiss you.
âEveryone?â you laugh. You donât care about everyone. Itâs burdensome.
âEveryone. They hate you too, by the way.â He smiles to himself. âHeard youâre going on a date with that dimwit. Hyungmin.â
You feel a sudden discomfort in your being. Taking a sip of the drink, you try to shake it off as best as you can.Â
âYeah, I- I donât think Iâll go,â you say, waving it off.Â
Why are you lying? You left it hanging on a maybe. Part of you wants to tell Doyoung; he is your friend after all and you tell friends stuff like this. The other part tells you this is cheating; lying and pretending everything is okayâit feels like cheating.Â
âOh.â He looks lost before he focuses on you. âWhy not?â
âWhy do you care?â you ask, trying desperately to calm the uprising in your chest.
He stays quiet for a few seconds and then shrugs, looking away from you. It makes you feel a little guilty to dismiss the situation so quickly, another item to add to your troubles. You sigh.
âSorry,â you say. âI didnât mean it like that.â
âNo, itâs okay. Youâre right.â You can see his Adam's apple bob up and down.
âIâm not,â you say. âIâm wrong. I really didnât mean it.â
He looks at you all at once, his gaze so gentle that it makes you think he wants to kiss you, or do something equally affectionate. Instead he sighs, downing whateverâs left of his drink before a wash of sudden looseness does away with the tension in his body.
âYou have any more questions for me?â he asks, smiling. âWhat's it like to be student body presidentâor, or what instruments can I play? My favourite animal? Colour?â
You smile back. âWhat is your favourite animal?â
âI donât have one. Donât like them. Unless itâs a soft toy.â
âNo way. Youâre lying.â
âNow, I answer your questions and you call me a liar? Makes me a little hesitant to answer the next.â
You roll your eyes. âOkay, next then. Why didnât you join the frat? All your friends are in it.â
âHurts my ego.â
You laugh. Heâs still probably an honorary member. There is no way heâs apart from friends for too long with all those feelings of fraternity he has, no matter what he says. Itâs the same as you. Affection leads nowhere though; just to short-lived moments of comfort.
You realize, through the course of the night, that you never asked. How he got into the student council, what his classes are, what he does for funâyou never asked. Itâs almost like you didnât want to know.Â
How sad, you muse to yourself, to be this way. To be so wrapped up in your own problems that you fail to see people around you. Pity, however, isnât something to feel at a party. You talk with Doyoung for the rest of the night till the sound of his voice makes you feel certain ghosts of butterflies, and till you have to take Eunji home before she does something she regrets. This is what it really means to have the price tag of âyouthâ strung across you perhapsâwhen you feel old and immature all at once, and in between, when you feel nothing at all.
Doyoung is too old to mistake love. Or too young.Â
Labels donât define anything, especially when it comes to relationshipsâso even if he calls it love, whispers it to himself at midnight when heâs sitting alone on his bed while his friends are passed out drunk on the floor, it is empty. And then thereâs you. The heat of your skin, the curse of your smile and that cheeky laugh you do to get on his nerves. He wants all of it and heâs not ashamedâbut heâd be a liar to say he can shout it to the whole world. Heâs not that kind of man, and what is his can remain his without the rest of the world prying its damn fingers in. The first night, no, the secondâthird? He canât remember which night it was but something pent up in him exploded and he didnât try to control it for once.
âOw,â he mutters.
His throat burns from the whiskey. He hates drinking alone but youâre either asleep or with friends and he canât think of anyone else but you. He tugs at the turtleneck collar, getting uncomfortable by the minute, and then proceeds to take off his coat.
For a moment, he considers getting back to the living room. There were more than enough people with lingering touches against his shoulder and longing gazesâtheyâre not you. He leans back onto his bed. Another hour and everyone will be gone; why did he even let them hold a party in the first place? Parties just remind him of youâhe takes a whiff and smells summer and lemon vodka all of a sudden. A deep sigh leaves his lips.
You might not seem to find yourself especially sad, but Doyoung finds something oddly touching about you. Maybe itâs the way you say his name, he muses, like youâre desperately trying to fill the gaps. But it canât be him in particular, of courseâitâs a lover, any lover.
He hates long nights, just as he hates winter but lately, they havenât been feeling too cold. Isnât it ridiculous the way heâs running after you? Doyoung was never meant for this. Itâs fucking pathetic and it makes him want to tear all his hair out but there he is, still and quiet in the same place. A certain agony makes its way through him. His hands are freezing and yet his insides are burningânothing makes sense and right now, he doesnât want it to. He presses his cold hands to the warmth of his cheeks and a laugh erupts from his mouth.
He must be going crazy to laugh like this in an empty room. The car lights from the window travel slowly from wall to ceiling, the only thing moving in the stagnant of his room.
Inevitably, he thinks of the end. It should come quick; in fact, heâs never been one to do this. Heâs always been someone to get attached to people. He doesnât know how the end will come because this shouldnât have begun in the first place.
Doyoungâs out of breath.
âCrazy bastard,â he mumbles to himself, followed by a groan when he lifts his head up. As if on cue, the door opens and shuts with a bang. Ten walks in looking drowsy, running his hand through his hair with a disgruntled face.
âI hate to say this,â he slurs. âBut youâre right. We canât have extra furniture and parties. Gotta choose one.â
Ten lays down flat on the bed. âI vote out that ugly ass clock you bought. Why do we need it? We have phones and laptops.â
âIt was a gift,â Doyoung mutters.
âOh. Uh. Actually, someone already, uhââ
âLeave it. Weâll talk about that in the morning.âÂ
Doyoung massages his forehead, groaning at the pain when Ten suddenly decides heâs all up for cuddling.Â
âEw,â he says, scooting away from Ten. âGet away from me.â
âYou donât mean that,â Ten whines, trying very hard to pull Doyoung into a hug. Of course, his attempts are blocked by Doyoungâs palm against his forehead.
After a few more seconds of trying, Ten huffs and turns away, crossing his arms. âI donât like you anyway.â
âI know,â Doyoung mutters.
Ten erupts into laughter, sounding more like a psychopath than a close friend of his.
âYou do that every time you like someone?â he asks in between fits.
Doyoung raises an eyebrow. âI just saidâokay, yeah. Whatever.â
Thereâs a much needed silence and Doyoung wonders if he can just fall asleep without kicking Ten out.
âYou should tell (name),â Ten says all of a sudden, Doyoungâs heart stopping at your name.
âWhat?â he whispers.
Ten looks at him as though heâs talking to a particularly stupid child. It makes Doyoung scowl but thereâs too much alcohol in his system to know if he really means it.
âYou donât- youâre- everyone in this goddamn building knows,â Ten explains, exasperated. âJaehyun knows, and heâs the densest kid Iâve ever met. God, if you like (name), go for it.â
Doyoung blushes so deep, he considers pressing his palms to his cheeks again. He thinks for the next few moments. Ah well, if they had to find out, heâs glad he didnât have to declare it himself.
âWhatever, just ask (name) out. It canât be that complicated.â
Except it is. You donât have to spell it out for himâhe knows the way you feel. The two of you only ever wanted one thing out of this. But if thereâs something Doyoung isnât good at, itâs keeping his mouth shut. He wonders how many times he let it slip, wonders if you even care enough to notice. God, itâs starting to sound pitiful for him.
âTen. How much did you drink?â Doyoung asks, raising his head.
âNothing. None. Iâm not drunk.â Ten shrugs. âJust sleepy.â
A âwowâ is all Doyoung can respond with. He still isnât quite finished figuring out what sort of horrific planet Ten stumbled from. A notification ding distracts him from kicking Ten off his bed and he has half a mind to toss it onto the bedside table but itâs still half. He softens almost immediately.
Itâs a text from you: a âuâ followed by a smiley face and then a meme he canât quite read through hazy eyes. He finds himself smiling anyway and sends a barrage of emojis, whatever he finds because he likes the way you get annoyed at them. Sighing, he decides thatâs enough. Heâs not in the right state of mind for conversation.
Doyoung shuts his phone off, attempts to push Ten off the bed one last time before closing his eyes and dozing off.
Not every day is meant to be funâyou know that in your twentiesâbut itâs still somewhat disappointing to have bad days. Like youth is meant to give you some sort of happiness daily. Thatâs what they make it sound like.
You groan, rubbing at your back. Sitting at your study desk for so long does not have good long term effects. At least, your temporary, meaningless assignments are done. You scowl at the text on your laptop screen; the more you look at it, the more you hate it and so, you shut it off. Itâs not like your pissy professor is going to be impressed by anything you do. However, you like the orderly certainty of schoolwork.
Break time consists of guilt and sugary snacks. Youâre done with most everything and you suppose leaving the final review of things to a later date canât hurt. In fact, it sounds rather appeasing. A few more moments pass in making a decision.
You get dressed. The apartment feels eerie all alone, and youâre sure as hell not going to spend the rest of your evening here. You shiver, quickly striding out the front door and locking it before taking out your phone.
People misunderstand winter. Winter is only the end of things; and sometimes, the beginning. It isnât cruel or crushing, itâs just taking its course. However, you have a tendency to blame seasons for all that happen in it. For instance, you shouldnât be missing summer when you really miss the first night with Doyoung.Â
He picks up after calling thrice. You wonder what heâs even up to, if Saturday evenings are also booked full for such a guy.
âWhy do you take so long to pick up?â you complain. âDo you not get days off?â
âIâm busy,â he hisses.Â
Somethingâs wrong.
You pause, unsure what to do. Itâs not his voice but the one in the background that catches your attention.Â
Inviting him somewhere.Â
Rather sensually.
Your ears feel hot and you drop the call. Of course. Of fucking course. Youâre the idiot thinking it was a thing. This whole thing is casualâfeeling sorry wasnât in the contract. Fucking around was.
Itâs not like youâll be heartbroken by something like this. Of course not. Of course. Doyoung and you never had a beginning so there isnât an end, really. Itâs fine. Itâs fine. You take a deep breath and browse through your phone. With the onset of Christmas holidays, you have around three options left. Ten (yikes), Jaehyun (no way) or the latest addition, Hyungmin.
Well, youâre dressed. You have to go somewhere. And your statement about Hyungmin being the hottest guy on campus still stands.
You send two texts to the boy before deciding thatâs apparently enough time waiting. He picks up after a few rings, voice groggy from what you assume to be a late afternoon nap.
âYou up for a drink?â You cut to the point.
âUh? Oh, uh, now? I am, of course- I just needââ
âTwenty minutes. Iâll text you the address.â
Nothing cheers you up like your favourite bar. Or friends. Or people who respond to calls.
Hongdae is as busy as ever. You knew the bar would be packed but not this packed. Still, you managed to grab a seat at the bar table. With the oncoming night, the smell is just going to get worseâso thereâs nothing wrong with treating yourself to some lemon vodka (and its refreshing scent).
Hyungmin arrives exactly four minutes early, and the mussed up hair makes you think he must have been in a hurry. For what, you canât be sure.Â
You can still see the inklings of Hongdae nightlights on his hair right before he enters, and in the fallacy of that moment, you think itâs going to be Doyoung. You sigh. This isnât the time for that.
âSorry,â you say, gesturing to the bar table. âAll the tables were booked.â
âNo, no,â he responds quickly. âI actually prefer it here.â
Heâs tall, not that itâs the first time youâre noticing, but even when heâs sitting, heâs at least two heads taller than you are. His shoulders are accentuated by the mocha coat, no doubt part of the latest trend this winter. As a fashion student, he hits the mark and more.Â
For a moment, you feel bad for knowing his major. Ten let it slip about him and yet still, you feel guilty for remembering it. Youâre not supposed to go into unnecessary detail about people that donât matter. Does he matter?Â
âSurprised you could make it,â you joke half-heartedly. âArenât you lot always busy with something?â
He laughs. âThe student council? Oh, weâre busy alright.â
Busy. Right.
âWhat about you? Arenât you part of like three different clubs?â
âSo what kind of busy?â you ask, ignoring his question. Youâre part of two, now that you left the music club last semester. Itâs not like small talk matters though.
âUh,â he hesitates. âYou know- attend meetings and events, coordinate committee work, supervise stuff, etcetera etcetera. So busy, yeah.â
âBusy on Saturdays too?â you ask, before thanking the bartender for the drinks.
âYeah, I guess. Doyoung has it worse than me honestly. Even now, he has to take care of stuff because of me. HahâŚâ
You gulp down your drink making Hyungmin raise an eyebrow in concern. âStuff? Because of you?â
âYeah.â Hyungmin scratches the back of his head. âHeâs with the girls.â
âGirls?â you ask, playing with the glass. Youâre starting to feel annoyed, red lining your vision.
âYeah.â He makes no notion of clarifying his statement. Â
âMust be quite the president,â you say, resting your cheek against your palm.
âOh, heâs a nightmare.â Hyungmin laughs. âHe has to control everything.â
You try to mask your scoff. You know what he can be like when youâre working beside him.Â
âOh, and the guy has no sense of humour,â Hyungmin laughs, the sound easy on the ears.
You blink.
âI think heâs funny,â you say quickly. You swear you have no idea why you sound so defensive.
He hums in response and you consider biting your tongue, telling him youâre only here for one thing and forgetting the uncomfortable churning of feelings inside your chest.
âForget I- Iâm a little confused today.âÂ
Is that an acceptable explanation? You canât think straight enough to decide. The silence on Hyungminâs part, however, worries you. The crowd around you fills in for the next few moments as your companion seems to debate something with himself.
âLook, I know you and Doyoung are⌠I donât know, something.â
You huff in irked amusement. âGod, does everyone seem to know?â
âNot until late actually.â Hyungmin takes a gulp. âHeâs been acting weird. Doyoung.âÂ
You look away, breathing shallow. You donât like it, the way things seem to be getting out of hand. All this time, the world seemed to be in the palm of your hand and now, itâs spilling everywhere; the sand in the hourglass is already up to your knees and you donât know what happens when it fills.
âDo you actually like him?â he asks, leaning back just a little. You know where this is going. âAre you guys dating?â
âNo,â you respond, checking your watch.
âOh.â
Thereâs a momentâs hesitation in him but youâve seen that look before. You know that look.
âThen we can- uh- we canââ
âFuck?â you ask.
He gulps. âI mean, you can say no any timeââ
You pull him by the collar and kiss him, hard enough to melt away your hovering thoughts. He kisses like you expect him to, not how you want him to. You know this sort, and somehow, that makes you feel comfortable. Knowing what youâre getting into is easing but it doesnât lessen the weight of it.
Itâs sickening. The way youâre pretending itâs Doyoung.
Hyungmin pulls apart, panting heavily. âOh, okay.â
âTell me you drove here.âÂ
He holds up his car keys in response.
Youâre not the type to sleep with strange (semi-acquainted) men, but itâs better than falling in love with them.
So you follow a lover to a hotel room and try to feel something. Some time, when heâs kissing you against the hotel room walls, he pulls apart and asks, âYouâre thinking of someone else, arenât you?â
You know the answer; it just wonât leave your lips.
âItâs okay,â he says with a weak smile, âLetâs just have fun.â
And every time his mouth was on yours, every time you saw stars, you felt the ghost of Doyoung and his haunting touches. It was strange and unfair and unlike youâor at least, unlike the you that you built over the past few years. You feel as though youâve misplaced somethingâlike something was supposed to be there when you reached out but instead, it was empty space.
The night ends as it should and you leave right before dawn with an apology text you couldnât put half your heart into.
Most winter nights, you wake up with pain so profound, itâs seeping into your bones.
It never made sense. You never tried to make sense of it. So you let the aches push you down by the shoulders, lodge itself into your neck and back; and you tell yourself, it must be what you deserve. Itâs cold and youâre walking barefoot on frozen ground.
You gasp. The weight of who you are and who you have to beâit has its knee on the back of your neck, shoving you into the damp earth. Thereâs no particular reason to it; it makes it seem as though itâs insignificant. Unimportant. Irrelevant. But thatâs the problemâthe weight of the world on your shoulders makes no sense. Whose world are you even carrying? Whose approval are you trying to win? You scramble to get up, messing up your bedsheets in the process, and pull your blanket around you. Your own warmth surrounds you and it makes no difference. You frown.
You remember your phone call with your mom, and your lips tremble. You shouldnât have told her about how crappy your finals went but it slipped. You tried to explain that you did work for them, that you gave it your best but sometimes things donât work out. She didnât have to say it out loud for you to hear her thoughts.Â
Youâre disappointing.Â
You wipe at your eyes, feeling annoyed at the emotion. If you could let the ground swallow you whole, you would. In a heartbeat. You donât even know what youâre doing most of the days despite that pretty planner of yours.
You get out of bed, pull on your cardigan beside the bed and grab your lighter and pack. The tiny balcony makes for a great smoking spot and while you would scold any of your friends for committing to this, you do it yourself. Hypocrite.
For all you try to shove into yourselfâhobbies, student clubs, actual clubbing, friendsâthe more you feel less than enough, as if everything just vanishes into thin air inside you. As if you arenât enough and never will be. You play by the rules and you lose, you break the rules and you lose.Â
Maybe itâs because you let yourself be filled by the intricacies of other people that they like you. And thus, you cannot stop for fear of loneliness.
Just as youâre feeling crushed again, you picture Doyoung against your back, placing his nose in the crook of your neckâsomething he has never doneâand you wonder why it helps.Â
Sucking in air too fast, you cough. You shouldnât have let it go on for so long.
It was funâharmless fun. You shouldnât even be thinking of taking a step in some other direction. Youâre friends, barely, but you like where you are. If Doyoung was that important, you wouldnât be going about this all backwards. You sigh, though it comes out jagged. The room is quiet and thatâs the way it should be at four a.m, of course, but you crave music all of a sudden. Doyoung and you are just a temporary fix; and you let that thought relax you.
When you think of his chin on your shoulder, however, it feels feather light.
âWhy are we doing this?â you ask.Â
The atmosphere is warm and toasty, just like you expect it to be in a bakery with light pink doors and a collection of plastic potted plants on display. The decorations arenât an eyesore here and somehow, it makes you feel better. Itâs a little far but you decide itâs worth it.
Doyoung shrugs, sipping his hot chocolate. âItâs Christmas, and weâre both here.â
Your eyes follow the hanging lights over the counter, wrapped in pine tree stickers and eventually to the neat display of a âSeasonâs Greetingsâ menu, the contents of which are currently at your table. A Christmas song by some singer whoâs been popular lately plays, tunes light and dancing. You hate the end of the year solely because of the extra pressure January brings. Nothing you canât handle, of course. Nothing you canât handle.
You sigh. Itâs been a little difficult lately.
âDoyoung, really, why are we doing this?â you ask, genuinely curious.
âAre you- uh- are you not enjoying this? I couldââ
âNo! No, itâs not that. I feel better, actually.â You bite your tongue almost immediately after. Itâs not like heâs supposed to know the sort of hell week youâre having. A poorly received term paper, finals that werenât up to your expectations, crippling loneliness without friends and, oh, the self-doubtâyou are at the lowest you can be in college. The only sweetener right now is in the hot chocolate and the way Doyoungâs looking at you.Â
You feel something close to guilt.
âGood.â He smiles. âYou seemed⌠You seemed a little down.â
The sliver of warmth between your ribs makes you think this is unreal. It feels uneasy to be so affected by someone but you let it slide, turning back to your hot chocolate.
âWhy didnât you go home this time?â you ask, sipping your drink.
âOh, I didn't really want to face my parents,â he says before leaning. âDidnât do too well this semester. And my brotherâs going to be there with all his achievements.â
You chuckle in disbelief. âYou donât like your brother?â
âI love him to bits. Just canât stand my momâs nagging when heâs around.â
âThatâs rich coming from you.â You cross your arms, smiling triumphantly. You feel like children squabbling but itâs so lighthearted, you want to laugh.
Doyoung raises a pointed finger, about to retort but nothing comes out. He puts his hand down.
âI guess youâre right.â
You shake your head. âIâm sure sheâs proud of you too.â
âI know that,â he says, laughing. âOf course she is. I donât keep myself busy for nothing.â
You gulp, a sudden sourness rising at the base of your tongue.Â
âBusy, huh? Didnât know spending saturday evenings with girls also counted as busy,â you mutter against the cup, half-hoping he doesnât hear you.
âWhat?â Thereâs a perplexed look across his face.
You wave your hand in dismissal. âOh donât mind me.â
âAre you talking about me giving a tour to the fresher girls?â Doyoung leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. âHyungmin does that usually but Mr Man was sore from soccer practice and Friday fucking.âÂ
You blink. âFresher⌠girls?â
âWhat, did you think I was at a brothel?â Doyoung laughs in amusement.
You feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. âNo! No, of course not.â
You wave your hands about for a few more seconds, trying to come up with an explanation. This makes things rather embarrassing.
âSorry,â you say finally. âI jumped to conclusions.â
Doyoung laughs, rather deep and heartily, and you wonder if your apology really did sound as stupid to him as it did to you.Â
âYou do that a lot,â he notes.
âThanks,â you quip, cutting the pastry with your fork a little too forcefully. His laugh follows. (You hate it so much. It sounds like pure adoration.)
The next few moments consist of scrolling through your phones (because Doyoung says his âmouth hurts from talking to youâ) and you wouldâve been in a better state of mind if everyone wasnât posting pre-Christmas photos with their families.Â
âYou know theyâre opening that park. Whatâs it called- Winter Wonderland or something. You said you wanted to visit.â
You look up at Doyoung amused.
âLetâs be honest. You want to be in bed, Doyoung,â you say. âWhy are you doing this?â
âBecause I care,â he answers, looking at you with his doe eyes. âAbout you. You sulk when youâre upset.â
âI donât sulk,â you reply but your smile is obvious when you exit the cafe.Â
Itâs like a date. The more you think of it that way, the more it makes you smile.
The evening is perfectâorange and pink and loving and happy. Doyoung trails behind you as you tread over the sidewalk with cheeky remarks about his speed.
âIâm in the track club, you know?â he huffs, finally tired of your jabs.
âAs what, the start point?â
A fake, sarcastic laugh leaves him. âI wouldnât get to see you if I walked ahead.â
You feel warmth creep up your face. You mumble, âthatâs cheesy.â Itâs too weak though, and it goes unheard.Â
For the first time, you notice his eyes are a little like yours in what they reflect. You love them.Â
So this is where the crowd went. The amusement park, or whatever you call it, is buzzing with a faint sort of excitement, mostly in the children that didnât get to go on a vacation elsewhere. Itâs quite the wonderland though so you canât see them complaining.
âDo you think theyâll kick us out if we make out on the Ferris wheel?â you ask, smiling at Doyoung.
âIâm not making out with you on the Ferris wheel,â he replies, making a face.
You do end up making out on the Ferris wheel, and you get butterflies from it. Itâs like a teenage dream but Doyoung looks even better. You pass on the cotton candy because frankly, youâve had enough of sweet things. You sit at the frozen wooden seat, hoping it warms up while Doyoung brings the two of you some fries.
Your phone buzzes with a notification. Your eyes light up at the mail from your professor. You had turned in the term paper three days ago, weeks ahead of schedule and were particularly proud of the way it turned out.Â
You look at the email and zero in on the word âredoâ.
Your shoulders sag immediately. You spent four weeks on thatâand itâs not good enough? You search frantically for how it could have gone wrong and come up with none. Thatâs not supposed to happen. Somethingâs wrong. Somethingâs very wrong. The weekâs exhaustion swallows you up again.
When Doyoung returns, he looks at you concerned before quickly setting the fries on the table.
â(name). Is something wrong?â
âHuh?â Your voice sounds so weak and squeaky, you feel embarrassed. Itâs embarrassing that after all these years, you still donât know how to handle failure.Â
Because itâs not supposed to happen. You tell yourself that over and over and it makes things worse.
You feel dirty, underneath all that dust and crumbled rock dangling in your hair. Whatever rests on your shoulders is cracking and collapsing, and youâre pushing in the wrong direction to make sure it all stays up.Â
He reaches out his hand but you avoid it.
âNo,â you mutter, weakly shaking your head.
You rub at your nose and eyes, hoping you can hide behind your forearms. Doyoung shouldnât be seeing you like this, he doesnât deserve to see you like this. You turn away from him, your palm gently pushing against the soft material of his shirt.Â
Doyoung doesnât move. Instead, he gently tugs on your wrist so you have no choice but to face him with your red-rimmed eyes. Youâre not sure if itâs embarrassment or pity, but the concern in his eyes makes you cry harder.Â
âYou donât have to do that,â he whispers. âYou donât have to find a place to cry.â
For the first time in adulthood, you learn what itâs like to lean your forehead against someoneâs chest this way. Doyoung wraps his arms around you and the sound of his breathing soothes your near-erratic heart.Â
âI worked really hard on it, you know?â you mumble against his chest. âMy term paper.â
âI know,â he whispers.
Doyoung strokes your head delicately, fingers running through your hair with airy touches. Eventually, you let go of a final sigh and look up to his lips.
He seems surprised at the kiss but itâs all you can think of now. Itâs gentler than usual and Doyoung moves cautiously though he seems to like it all the same. His arms feel comfortable around you. When he pulls apart, he looks at you yet still with careful concern.
âWe can- we should stop if you want,â he says, and he means it.Â
You shake your head. Night is creeping in overhead, deep and quiet and slow.
âI like you, Doyoung,â you say finally. âI really, really like you.â
Doyoungâs eyes widen, as though a rabbit wary of the traps it might set foot on but he eases into your touch almost immediately.
âI like⌠I like you too.â His lips waver but he looks away and takes a deep breath. âI like you so much.â
You smile and think that maybe everything is set right now, with his chin against your shoulder and your arms around him.Â
Doyoung discards the jacket once youâre in your apartment, kissing you fuller now. Every other thought leaves you; you beg him to make you forget the rest of the world. The walls are comforting now that heâs here, and itâs warmer, hotter.
âCan we- Can we go a little slower?â you mumble, his arms still gentle when they wrap around your waist. He parts his lips from your neck to look at you momentarily before nodding.
You suddenly understand why he always makes you feel so good. Thereâs a certain fondness to his touch and warmth to his kisses. Thereâs no one quite like him, really.
âI love digging graves, especially if itâs my own,â you mutter against the pillow.
Doyoung laughs. âWhat did you do this time?â
âThis time? Excuse me? Do you think Iâm some sort of trouble child?â
âHm. Letâs see. Yes.â
You pause. Why do you hesitate to tell him you slept with Hyungmin? Itâs not like you were cheatingâyou werenât dating Doyoung. Besides, that night with Hyungmin didnât mean anything. A horrid feeling snakes around your throat, heavy and piercing. You resort to changing the topic.
âIâm⌠I took another course beyond my understanding.â
âThatâs it?â he asks.
You nod.
No, no, no; itâs all backwards now and you donât know how to reverse it.
Doyoung takes your hand in his, delicately and yet firm. His chest is against your back, bare and warm. When he presses his lips against your knuckles, the warmth that flushes through you makes you want to believe in something else entirely. You feel weak.Â
A part of you argues that you feel honestâin a moment of clarity you donât think you deserve. Neither vodka nor whiskey can make you this clear in the head; you struggle to breathe straight. How awful it is to feel warmth and not believe in it at the same time. Â
âYou can rely on me, you know?â he whispers.
The knot in your chest makes you want to cry.
You feel lonely and the opposite of it all at once. Doyoung is too much for youâtoo kind, too pretty and too true. He makes you realize too many things at once.
There are a few things in the world that can stifle loneliness. Like the notes Doyoung plays on the piano, like the songs he hums in the morning till you place open-mouthed kisses against his neck.
You realize, all of a sudden, that Doyoung really is your dearest friend.
And yet, you donât think you deserve it. Youâve never loved, you believe, but you have. You donât remember it well enough. The loversâ touches you kept searching for led to this. Hypocrite. You wanted a loverâs touch and you rejected the love that came with it. What a complicated bundle of emotions. You werenât always this way.
You loved your first cat when you were six, all the way till it died a warm death in your bed. You loved your mother even when she yelled at you for skipping your chores. You loved your middle school friends when you talked about comics and movies you saw for the first time.Â
Itâs hard to love the same way now.
You suppose sympathy needs a little backstory. Nothing is unconditional.Â
It had all started when your heart had broken into two clean pieces. You put a bandaid on it and called it a day. No one taught you to ask for help.
Your friends know someone broke your heart; you tell them everything. Friends, friendsâyou wanted them so bad and yet, you keep them as far from you as you can. You pretend to be paper-thin and so shallow, sometimes you wonder if thatâs all there is to you. But for all they know, they know next to nothing. It wasnât just the aftermath of reckless puppy love.Â
The first time your heart broke, it was watching your mother cry in the living room for a reason you didnât understand. You wondered who committed the crime, who should be chargedâand you found no one. A loveless marriage is cruel, yes, but you cannot point fingers. It isnât just cruel; itâs infuriating.
The second time, the two pieces of your heart broke into a few more. It was a boy with an inviting smile and flags whose colour you couldnât quite discern. They must have been red, but everything else was tooâhearts, cheeks, lips, and the threads around your wrists. And eventually, he guided you to the conclusion that you are undeserving, unworthy, unloved.Â
You were strong, however. It was easy to collapse on the bed and feel the weight of the world settling in, but you stood up again on shaking knees and you told yourself to have fun; you can have fun without feelings. You know better than to attach meaning to funâyou might hate insignificant things but itâs only fun if itâs pointless. Youâre not letting go of this place youâve worked so hard to arrive at, with all the shattered pieces in your hands.
Itâs better to offer nothing at all than offer broken pieces.
âCan we stay like this?â Doyoungâs arms tighten around your waist, his breath shallow against your shoulder. âJust for a little bit.â
His voice is beautiful as always, but for a moment, it strikes you as sad.
Everythingâs twisting up into knots and you are frantically running your fingers over them to straighten it all out. You know what itâs like to let things rot; and you are tired of it. Why canât everything disappear for one moment? Why canât you just let it be the two of you?
You sigh in response, nodding.Â
âI might not know whatâs happening in there,â he starts, drawing circles on your chest with his finger, touch comfortably light. âButâŚâ
Iâm here and I get it.
Is that what he wants to say? You donât think youâll get to know. Youâre not exactly voicing yourself either.Â
Stay the night. You want to say it but your lips are frozen.
Instead, you rub your thumb over the back of his hand, fitting into each other as perfect as a lie. You would tell him, you try to convince yourself, if you could say it with enough conviction. Thereâs no point to saying things that are half-meant, that are true but only just enough. Youâre a coward.
And now, this has gotten complicated.
An end.
Tapping his pen against the desk, Doyoung grows increasingly annoyed. The council's next meeting agenda isnât going to finish writing itself but he canât bring himself to either. Besides, Tenâs pacing outside his room is starting to get on his nerves.
âTen!â he yells. âCan you quit it? Youâre making too much noise.â
His disapproval is met with silence. For a moment, he spaces out and reflexively thinks of you, only to feel a confusing sort of emotion. Itâs normal, he tells himself, and that itâll sort itself out.
Doyoung feels like a glass box more often than not. If he breaks, who picks up the pieces? Who gets cuts all over their fingers?
âWhoever breaks himâ should be the answer. But thatâs wishful thinking. Itâs not that simple.Â
Heâs so see-through that itâs painful. He used to tell Taeyong heâs wrong but heâs never been able to prove it. He is easy. Itâs embarrassing.
But then again, part of him likes it when it comes to you. He likes it when you kiss him after a particularly heated disagreement, he likes when you get on his nerves just so heâd fuck you and most of all, he loves the push and pull. Fun is just that. He doesnât know what heâd do if that heart of his he placed so gingerly into your palms falls and shatters.
The line between hate and love is thin; and heâs enjoying walking it too much.
He has nothing to offer but himself. He laughs at the thought and shakes his head. Itâs somewhat dirty, and not just in the sexual sense.
âTen!â he yells again. âStop pacing!â
Getting up from his seat, he strides over to his door, swings it open and finds Ten scratching his head and glancing at his phone in repeated action.Â
âTen?â
Heâs so in a trance that he hasnât noticed Doyoung. He is the lovable sort of idiot if he ever chooses to be so. Most of the time though, heâs just a smartass.
âOh, oh no, Iâm a bad friend,â Ten mutters to himself, his pacing growing more restless. He scratches the back of his head, eyebrows furrowed and too inside his head to notice Doyoung. He wants to ask but something tells him he shouldnât.Â
Turns out, his apprehension isnât strong enough these days.Â
âWhose date did you crash?â Doyoung asks, more than annoyed already.
When Ten looks at him, Doyoung feels rather shriveled and freezes on the spot. Call it instinct but Doyoung respects fear and pain. Ten has a mixture of the two, amplified when he looks at Doyoung.
âDoyoung. Hey,â he says, trying to tone down the distress in his voice.
Doyoung still hasnât recovered from the initial surprise of Ten looking that way.
âDid you fuck up? Did someone fuck up? Why do you look like that?â
Ten sits down on the small couch. âLong story⌠I guess. Too many details, you- you know? Justââ
âWhat the fuck happened?â
Ten still canât look him in the eye. âThe group chatâs a littleâŚâ
âTen,â Doyoung snaps. âCut the crap.â
âNo, thatâs- thatâs what Iâm- Youâre going to be upset.â
Doyoung straightens, furrowing his brows. âI think I can fucking handle it.â
âYou know that date I set up for (name) and Hyungmin?â
âYou set that up?â
â(name) slept with Hyungmin.âÂ
Doyoung quietens. The silence seems to make Ten uncomfortable as he shifts in his seat, getting up when Doyoung speaks.
âSo?â
Ten blinks. âYouâre not upset?â
âJust what kind of loser do you think I am?â Doyoung mutters.
Glass shatters just that easily. Maybe he wanted you to shatter him. Maybe he was already cracking at the edges.
âDoyoung, you donât have toââ
âStop,â he exclaims a little louder than he intended. âStop looking at me like that. Iâm a grown man, I can handle shit like this.â
It still hurts though. You lied to him and he let you in. You lied to him. Doyoung sighs, returning to his room with a realization he should have had long ago. His night ends with more deleted drafts than heâs supposed to have and eventually, with increased discomfort, he delegates the job to Park Hyungmin himself with the excuse of sickness.
Doyoung does feel sick. He felt this way once, in highschool, but it had turned to red, hot anger ready to lash at anyone and everyone, spilling from his lips as easy as it was to breathe. And Doyoung can never feel that way towards you. He was different back then too, of course, but youâyouâre unlike anyone heâs ever met. He loves the comfort of you, and something like that is hard to come by.Â
He feels like laughing again but instead he finds tears on his cheeks. Silly boy, he can hear his mother tell him. You donât give your heart to heartbreakers.Â
So Doyoung falls asleep to the sound of upbeat music in his earphones, music he hates even just to pass the night. Morning will come and he will have to become stronger. Comfort is fleeting, after all.
With everything said and done, you know very well that if you were to tell someone you love themâgenuinely, truly, from the heartâit would be Doyoung. Itâs not a sudden realization, like the sky falling apart or a tidal wave crashing against the shore and sweeping away the city. It is like the gentle lapping of water, though, or the way the clouds change shapeânatural and anything but alarming. You want to stare at it forever, and you want to believe thatâs how it will be forever.Â
âYou told everyone we had sex?â Your voice is boiled to a shout.Â
Hyungmin looks torn, lips moving but no explanation making its way out. âI- I told my friends, not everyone.â
âAnd you forgot that your friends talk? Everybody talks, Hyungmin, what were you thinking?â
He sighs before taking a step towards you. âWhy are you so angry about it? As far as I remember, you had no trouble talking about whose pants you got into.â
You scoff. âWith friends, not the whole campus.â
âThatâs exactly what I did!âÂ
You cross your arms, feeling so upset you might cry and unsure as to why. Youâre usually good at dealing with stuff like this, keeping things in the right place.
âItâs because of Doyoung, isnât it?âÂ
You snap your head to Hyungmin. Thereâs a serene sort of look to him despite his unkempt appearance, and a look of understanding.
âIâm sorry. Really. But if you were so into him, you shouldnât have called me that evening. It might not matter to me butâŚâ
You broke his heart. All that devotion he had towards you led to this.Â
âYouâre right.â You choke on your words, leaning against the wall. âFuck⌠FuckingâŚâ
You turn around, making your way out of the hallway and hope the tears on your cheeks dry faster if you run.
You canât remember the last time you ran. Your world didnât need running from, it was right in the palm of your hands. Now that you look back, the world was always on your shoulders and heavy as it can be. Maybe you liked itâthe weight. You couldâve shrugged it off any time; you didnât need all those caging schedules or careful, elegant steps.
No. Atlas couldnât shrug because his punishment was his existence. To have weight is to have meaning; and that is how you intended to live out your life.
Doyoung makes you see it differently. To love so fully even if it seems cautiousâyou, who has never loved at all, couldnât comprehend it. And because he makes you see it differently, the box is now open and all hell is loose.Â
For once, you donât want to live in the world you crafted. You want more love, more hurt and you want to open the doors. You donât mind hell if itâs for him.
You ring the bell to Doyoung and Tenâs apartment and pray the news hasnât reached him yet. He said he was busy this weekend; maybe he was detached enough from his phone for once. You just want to be the person to tell him. Itâs not a perfect apology otherwise.
Doyoung opens the door with pursed lips and cold eyes. Thereâs a sense of ease over his shoulders and arms but he wonât look at you and panic rises to your throat.
âWeâre not fucking tonight, (name),â he says.
âThatâs not- Thatâs not why Iâm here.â Your voice is so meek, you wonder what happened.
Doyoung steps back, crossing his arms. Heâs still looking at his feet and you feel the urge to reach for his face.
âI wanted to tell you- I⌠I justââ
âThat youâre fucking other people?â
âGod, Doyoung, stop with the fucking. I donât care about that right now.â
âReally?â His voice is so sharp, it digs into your skin. âYou were just in it for that. Thatâs the fun part in your stupid life, isnât it?â
You feel a sharp pain in your nose and forehead. âYouâre- Now thatâs- Doyoung. Iâm sorry. Thatâs what I wanted to say.â
âAfterââ His voice chokes up. âAfter everything is done? Stop with the excuses and face it for fuckâs sake. You arenât made to fall in love. Thatâs why you dance around it all the time.â
Although he says that, he doesnât sound angry. He sounds defeated.
âItâs not like you arenât cautious,â you retort, throat feeling heavy. âYou said it yourself- you donât want to care too much.â
âI was wrong,â he says, voice hoarse. âI care about everything more than Iâd like to admit. I care about you more than Iâd like to admit.â
âThe Hyungmin thing didnât mean anything, okay? You were busy andââ
âSo why did you lie?â He strains to not raise his voice. âOf course I knew our little thing didnât mean shit to you. Why did you pretend it did? Last week, you said- you saidââ
âDoyoung, last week- last week I- I wasnât pretending, I swear.â
âYou couldâve just saved yourself the trouble and the dignity.â A short, humorless laugh leaves him.
You feel your lips tremble, the explanation not quite made its way out yet. He looks so innocent like this, rabbit-like eyes watery and full of pain, pure the way they have always been. This is your mistake, isnât it?
âDoyoung, please,â you manage to say. âThat was wrong. I couldnât clear up my head. Please donâtââ
âNo. I was an idiot. Or you see me as one.â He frowns deeper, lips trembling. âI shouldnât- I shouldnât have. We shouldnât have been at the same fucking party and I shouldnât have drank so much. Youâre- Iâm not that kind of person.â
You bite down your lip. âWhat kind?â
Doyoung laughs, the sound raspy and empty. âThe kind to not fall in love with you.â
It damn near breaks your heart to look at him. You have to say something, it shouldnât end like this. Youâre desperate and all you think is that you donât want it to end at all.
âPlease, I thought of you as a friend, thatâs whyââ
âAnd this is what you call being a friend?â he cuts you off.
You feel the sting in your eyes and nose, making you turn sharply to the side. You wish heâd just make you cry. It makes you feel the rancid guilt all the more.
âMake Hyungmin your friend for all I care. Letâs stop this.â
You stare at your feet, unable to respond.Â
âYou can have every boy in the world, (name). Donât come to me.â
âCan you just stop talking about everyone else?â you yell, desperate. âDo I talk about your exes? Seungjae or- or whatâs-her-nameââÂ
âThatâs different!â He looks distraught, breathing heavily and with a painful red flush over his nose and cheeks. He runs his hand through his hair, tousling it further. âYou lied to me, (name). You lied.â
Your cheeks are wet and the look that flashes over Doyoung makes you think he wants to step right out to you. He stays frozen in place, however, looking away to the side.
âDid you notice?â he asks softly. âEven once? How much I cared?â
You canât answer, letting the tears drip down your face. Itâs getting colder and colder.Â
Doyoung bites down his lip before parting them. âAll we did was have sex anyway. So please just- just leave.â
You take a long few moments but nod, hugging your coat closer and stepping out of his apartment. You think you hear Tenâs footsteps but itâs followed by the bang of a doorâthis is how it ends then.
The line between hate and love is thin; and you are deserving of neither.
You perfect your next semesterâs academics, and the next. It still feels empty. You go out to drink with friends and return to a messy bed you sleep in alone. You smile as always and you laugh as always. No one asks you how you are as always. You never needed anyone to ask you how you are.
Ten tries but you push him away. You donât need to drag in other people into a mess you made. He feels sorry for the whole thing but you tell him it was you that spilled the paint, Ten just handed a dash of it to you.
You were right. You donât deserve Doyoung. At least, you made it so that you donât deserve him.Â
âItâs better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at allââit still hurts.
Every day is part of a list again. You doodled in some of the pages, when you thought you were starting to fall in love. Thereâs only a skeleton of it left now. Soon, youâll let it crumble to dust too.Â
You tear apart the planner sometime after graduation and cry and curse at yourself for doing that. No oneâs good at parting with things they care about. Youâre no exception.
Itâs December again.Â
This place is a little strange to visit right after graduating, especially with the memories flashing you by. Johnny said he booked one of the private booths (âA seniorâs treat!â) but you feel your steps growing hesitant when you reach the neon signs by the stairs. It spells âThe Meeting Placeâ and smells of cigarettes just like it did the first time.
You stop midway up the stairs. For a moment, you think of Doyoung sitting there and wonder if youâll ever be able to talk to him again. If you had the chance now, would you take it?
Of course, you wouldnât. Thereâs too much to be set right and you canât do it.
Thereâs supposed to be the six of you. Johnny mentioned Ten and you know Eunjiâs invited too. You saw Jaehyun on the way here, still a student. You sigh. It must be him, the one they failed to mention to you. Kim Doyoung. Thereâs no one quite like him.
You spot him first. Looking a little forlorn as he gazes absentmindedly to the side, he faces away from you and you get the inevitable urge to run away. Itâs a funny feeling.Â
Your stomach is churning. You donât want him to see you. Ten babbles on about something to Johnny, smiling like he found candy while clearing his drawers. Eunji looks tired, leaning against Johnnyâs shoulder and you wonder if she already drank more than enough shots.
â(name).â
You jump at Jaehyunâs voice from behind you.Â
âHey,â you respond, giving him a wide smile.
He hesitates. âAre you okay? Not that you donât look okay- you look really good actually. I mean, are you and⌠you know okay?â
âI donât think so, Jaehyun,â you say and make your way to the booth.
Itâs a little cramped for the six of you and Doyoung gets up before you can even greet him. Itâs not like you deserve it anyway but it tugs at the wound.
âIâm going to go take a drag,â he mutters.
âYou donât smoke,â you say, looking up.
He stares at you momentarily and you look away. You think Ten and Johnny glance at you with pity but you donât really care.Â
 âCan I come with you?â you ask, barely a whisper.
âSure,â he says, to your surprise.
The smoking area is so small, youâre surprised itâs even there. A glass structure overlooking the neighbourhood, thereâs barely any light within. The only thing nice is how warm itâs in there.Â
Doyoung lights his cigarette and then offers to light yours. Itâs quiet, the music from inside numbed to the cold doors. You really canât take it. You stub the barely consumed cigarette and throw it into the bin.
Youâd rather just stay quietly in his presence.
âYouâre not smoking,â he notes.
âItâs a bad habit.â You look out through the glass.
Doyoung chuckles. âYou were a collection of bad habits.â
âAnd good ones too,â you quip. âI was a perfect student. I was perfect in most everything actually.â
Doyoungâs smile widens. âYou were. You certainly were.â
A few more moments pass in silence, your eyes traveling over the outside scenery which seems to be growing duller by the second. City lights have never felt fainter.
âIt was an accident, right?â You say suddenly. âThe whole thing? Us?â
Doyoung hums. âYeah. I fell in love by accident.â
You smile weakly. âRight. I never got to apologize.â
âI loved you on purpose.â
You look up at him. Thereâs not a lot of people who say what they mean. He looks the same as he used to under your grey blankets, with a warm blush over his cheeks and kind, wide eyes.Â
âYouâre so damn pretty,â he murmurs, âeven now.â
You scan his face for signs of lying.
âYouâre drunk, arenât you?â you ask finally.Â
Doyoung blinks before easing into laughter. âYou- Youâre- Youâre the same as ever.â
You let yourself crack a smile.
âDoyoung I- I really am sorry,â you say quietly. âAnd I did- do care for you.â
Doyoung stubs out his cigarette and discards it before looking you in the eye. You notice heâs wearing his favourite black turtleneck in the proximity, the grey plaid coat covering most of it. You really liked that look on him.
âIâm sorry,â you say once again. âI want you to know that. I didnât want to hurt you and I promise I wonât ever do it again.â
You mean it. Youâre never going to hold glass again. He doesnât deserve it.
âThatâs a problem,â he responds, breath mingling with yours. âI want you⌠I want you to hurt me. If you really do love me, Iâll take it.â
âDoyoung,â you whisper, turning away despite your whole body screaming at you to give in. âI meant it. I canât hurt you.â
Doyoung cups your cheek with one hand, glancing at your lips for a moment.
âYouâre warm,â he says.
Heâs warmer.
âI want to kiss you,â he says.
You want to kiss him too.
âWe went about this all wrong, didnât we?â he asks.
âWe did,â you answer, voice barely above a whisper. âI did.â
Doyoung pulls back. âThen letâs start again. Iâm Kim Doyoung, I majored in linguistics. I was student council president and I made a mistake.â
You smile. âWe donât have to do that.â
Doyoung raises an eyebrow. âAfter all the trouble I went through to make a good introduction?â
The two of you laugh, and it gets warmer.Â
âIâm (name),â you say. âI was a top student and I made a bigger mistake, Kim Doyoung.â
âOh? I wonder what it was.â
âKind of a long story.â
âIâve got all the time for you.â
You smile and start. He responds with gentle kisses. Youâre piecing your world back together again; but this time itâs feather-light and fits right in the palm of your hand.Â
#kim doie perfect man bye#doyoung x reader#nct x reader#nct doyoung scenarios#nct scenarios#nct imagines#doyoung imagines#nct fanfic#doyoung fanfic#nct angst#doyoung angst#nct 127 x reader#nct 127 angst#nct college au#moonwrites#okaaay idk what this is either#if you get annoyed midway thru the fic you are perfectly valid <3#i will literally never write smth like this ever again đ¤Ąđ¤Ąđ¤Ą#if you notice inconsistency in character no u dont#(i had to fix up some earlier inconsistencies but it gave more inconsistencies maybe i should give up writing for good)
2K notes
¡
View notes
Text
stages of love | j.jh
Pairing |Â jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader Rating |Â M Genre + Tropes |Â college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut) Warnings |Â explicit language, alcohol consumption, instant love?, sexual content (drunk sex, receiving and giving oral, penetration, cow girl position, nipple play), greyzone fidelity Length |Â 15k+
Summary |Â A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart
(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)
Note: ahhhhhhh!!!! we finally did it boisssss. this fic has been a long time coming and honestly im sick and tired of jaehyun. iâve spent too long thinking about him for this fic smh. this is also my first time writing smut so weâll see how that goes lmao. anyway this was a long labor of love so please let me know what you thought of it !!! <333
1. Peach by IU
smitten at first sight.
âHow can I explain this feeling?â
âAlright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for todayâs lecture. Remember, most of this will be on your final exam. Any questions before youâre all dismissed?âÂ
Your professor looks up from the board, scans the room and all he sees are most of the students waiting with bated breath, itching to leave the class, and half of those students having already packed their belongings in anticipation. He held them back an extra twenty five minutes today, which is notably longer than previous lectures in which he delayed dismissal.
âOkay, youâre free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.â
You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he has a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you have agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. Youâre already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them.Â
Youâre one of the first out of the small lecture hall and you shoot her a quick reply before making your way to the oncampus cafe. Through quickened strides and shortcuts engrained from cross-campus treks from class to class, you arrive in record time. Youâre slightly out of breath and impressed by your speed, but you stop, frozen in your tracks when you see Yeriâs displeased face. You find her situated in a small, but cozy corner next to the windows, already unpacked with notebooks and papers strewn on the desk ready to review for exams. It's one of the best study spots in the cafe and you immediately know your best friend had to come extra early to nab such a sought after table.Â
âAbout time,â she scowls, âwhat took you so long?â
You shoot her an apologetic look, âaww, Yeri,â you pout your lips a little too dramatically, âIâm sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.âÂ
Yeri looks at your jutted lips in disgust, but then her face softens in consideration. âHm, I do know Jang.â She scrunches up her nose remembering her time in his class last semester. âThat old man can talk for days on end and he never lets anyone leave class early. I guess Iâll let you go this time.âÂ
You beam at her knowing sheâs no longer angry for your tardiness. âGreat, drinks are on me today. Itâs the least I can do for being late.â Yeri forgives as easily and as quickly as she loses her temper. You learned this after a few weeks of being her roommate.Â
Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserves for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide youâre in an âiced Americanoâ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.
After paying, you head back to the table with two drinks in tow. Yeri takes her drink and after you both take a few sips and catch up for the day, you dive straight to work. The two of you decide to review for statistics.Â
Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didnât necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didnât enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a performing arts college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.
Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second.Â
âHey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?â Yeriâs inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.
âUh, I think itâs due, like, a few days before the final, but Iâd have to double check.âÂ
Yeri nods. âAlright, well letâs take a small break. We have some time till then, we donât have to finish all of it today.âÂ
You happily agree and set down your pen. Yeri takes a sip of her frappuccino and you lean over the table to get closer to her. âAnyway, did you hear about what happened with Jiwon and Youngjae from the entertainment management department?â
Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. âNo. Do tell.â
Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri.Â
You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit.Â
âAnd they think theyâre being discreet, but the whole dorm knows theyâve been sneaking around, but guess whaââ Before you can finish your sentence, you are cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeriâs name.
The two of you look up to see a slim and boyish brunet waving to Yeri and excitedly making his way to your table. He looks vaguely familiar, but you canât quite place your finger on it, so you let it go.
He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. âHey Yeri, howâs it going?â He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.
Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. âGood. Did you need anything, Mark?âÂ
He flushes just the slightest bit, but it doesnât escape your eyes. âErm, nothing I just wanted to remind you that weâre meeting for the music theory project tomorrow at four. I wouldâve texted, but I forgot to get your number in class, and I saw you here and thought it was a good opportunity to tell you.âÂ
Yeriâs eyes widen, âah right! I completely forgot about it. Itâs a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, Iâll give you my number.â
She reaches her hand out her hand expectantly, and Mark is confused before scrambling to pull out his phone. You can tell Mark looks flustered while Yeri is calmly putting in her contact information. After finishing, she hands his phone back, âokay, all set. Just shoot me a text so I have your number as well. Thanks for reminding me today or I probably wouldâve forgotten and not have shown up or something.âÂ
Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. âAll good. Iâll see you tomorrow, Yeri.âÂ
They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Markâs retreating form no mind.Â
âSoâŚâ you start.
âSo?â She returns.
âHeâs cute.â
âYeah, maybe,â she shrugged. âI barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time weâve talked all semester and weâre only talking because we got paired up for a project.â
Yeri seems apathetic and you study her closely. You notice sheâs acting a little too stiffly carefree to be truly indifferent to the situation. You canât help, but to tease her a bit. âWell, make the most out of this project then.â
Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friendâs situation to be amusing.Â
âAnyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.â Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesnât.
âAs I was saying,â you started up again. A figure outside catches your attention and you peer outside through the window past Yeriâs shoulders. You realize itâs Mark and you watch with interest as he gestures excitedly, pointing to something in his hand, you assume his phone, to some of his friends. From there your eyes wander absentmindedly from one person to the next, and itâs when you see him.Â
The reaction is almost instantaneous.Â
âLike you were saying?â Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.
When you see said boy laugh, you notice he has moon for eyes and you unconsciously suck in a sharp breath. You must have been staring too intently without noticing because he turns his head in your direction and you two hold direct eye contact. Like a deer caught in headlights, you freeze and lose all rational thought. Your head is completely blank. You have never seen someone so beautiful and your mind does not know how to process any sensory information at the moment.
Someone calls the boy away and the entire group of friends leave. Itâs only then do you find yourself releasing a breath you didnât know you had been holding onto so tightly. Your heart is pounding and you feel as though blood is rushing through your ears.Â
âHello?â Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her.Â
You feel a sudden heat rush to color your cheeks a vibrant red and a feeling surges through you that leaves you out of breath and weak at the knees. A steady warmth washes over you quietly and you feel it deep within yourself and you canât help but let out a small laugh.
How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think youâre in love.
2. Shadow by f(x)
adoration from afar.Â
âIâm really really into you.â
The next few weeks are packed to the brim with assignments and papers, but despite this, you still find time for your personal research into the boy who was with Mark that day.Â
Being the obvious first and easiest option, you beg Yeri to ask Mark directly about his friend, but she immediately shoots you down.Â
âNo. Absolutely not. At least not anytime soon anyway,â she huffs. âIâve barely held two full conversations with him, like hell the next is gonna be about his friend just cause my best friend started thirsting over him after one glance. I mean come on, girl.â She shakes her head at you.Â
Yeriâs right and you apologize to her for being thoughtless of her situation. She doesnât say it, but she seems really hopeful about the music theory project and what might bloom from it. You would not want to impede on such possibilities of happiness for your friend, so you let that option go, but Yeri promises to help in other ways and she does.Â
Somehow between caffeine fueled cram sessions and sleep deprivation, you, with Yeriâs help manage to find out more about the boy. You casually ask around in your contemporary writing and production department and she offers help by searching her vocal performance department.Â
You find out his name is Jung Jaehyun and heâs a third year in the musical theatre department and that heâs a member of the local chapter of the performing arts fraternity on campus. You also discover his Instagram handle and you find yourself skimming through his page throughout the day more often than youâre willing to admit to any living soul.Â
You occasionally see him around campus since you first saw him at the cafe and each time, you can feel your heart hammer in your chest and you become so flustered to the point of your sympathetic nervous system activating. Unfortunately for you, your body unconsciously chooses flight each and every time at the sight of Jaehyun because you can always feel your knees go weak and your body lurch away to escape in any direction that isnât Jaehyunâs. You kind of hate yourself each time you do, but you canât help it. Heâs just so pretty that itâs intimidating!
You try to think positive after the bouts of shame you experience after each escapade.Â
Well thereâs no way to embarrass yourself in front of him if you run away before having the chance to, right?
Even thinking about it now in the comfort of your bed, you canât shake your self-consciousness and bury your face in a large pillow resting on your knees. Your cheeks are burning and you donât know what to do.Â
âHey, why donât you just talk to him, instead of moping all day and stalking his profile like a creep.â Yeriâs crisp words cut through your musings and you glance up to see her entering your shared room in the dorms.
âShut up. Itâs not like I have a benevolent match-making professor who happens to pair me up with my crush for an end-of-semester project.â You retort back before sighing dramatically, âI literally have no excuse to talk to him. Weâre not in the same year or major. We donât even have mutual friends. Unless, yâknow, you and Mark hit it off, who knows.âÂ
Yeri sits down next to you on your small twin bed, resting her head on your shoulder while letting out an equally dramatic sigh, âyeah, well, Markâs so dense, all the divine intervention in the world isnât going to help me.âÂ
You let out snort, âwhatâs up with you two anyway?â
âYâknow, I couldâve sworn he was into me and I had a chance with him, but every time we meet up we literally only work on the project and nothing else. Every time I sort of tried to do something I get shot down. Like I told him I was kind of chilly today in the library, and he looks all thoughtful for a moment but all he ends up saying is âyeah, all the buildings on campus are always cold, huh? Good thing I always bring a jacket with me. You should bring one too next time, I donât want you getting cold.â And then he just turns back to the project like nothing. Can you believe him?â Yeri complains and you swear her annoyance is palpable. âAnd every time I text him to hangout, he thinks itâs to work on the project. I honestly canât tell if heâs really that stupid or if heâs just not into me.âÂ
You laugh at her unfortunate, but undeniable state of love affairs.Â
âReally? That bad? I remember him being all blushy when he asked for your number,â you recall. âAnd you shouldâve seen how he looked when he showed off he got your number. Well thatâs what it looked like anyway, I could be wrong.â
âWell, at least Iâll get a good grade though. Mark is nothing if not diligent and hard-working, with him being a double major and all.â Yeri sounds resigned however, she sighs again, this time more frustrated and you hear the determination in her voice. âAlright, after finals, for sure weâre gonna hit the clubs. We need to let loose, have some fun.â
You agree with her to appease her short temper, but deep down you feel disappointed. You feel sorry for your friend, having genuinely wanted Mark and her to work out, but a small and selfish part of you felt sorry for having no bridge to Jaehyun at all if it didnât work out between Yeri and Mark. Looks like you were stranded now and youâd have to find a way to Jaehyun one way or another, but your line of help ends here.
Shaking away such negative thoughts, you think to yourself how soju bombs and dance floors donât so bad after such an intense exam period after all. It will definitely take your mind off of things for sure.
And even though you say this to yourself, you know your mind will still be plagued with Jung Jaehyun no matter how much you try.
3. What Is Love by EXO-K
careful contemplation.Â
âI canât explain what I feel.â
âMark, tell me you did not.â The disbelief in Johnnyâs voice made the situation all the more hilarious and even Jaehyun, whoâs the calmer of the two, couldnât suppress the guffaw from escaping his lips.Â
The tips of Markâs ears flush a light pink and he tries to deliver a convincing argument, but all that comes out is a meek stammer, further driving Johnny up the wall.
When Mark came up to his and Johnnyâs room asking for advice, Jaehyun had an idea of where it was going to lead, considering Markâs clueless disposition and inexperienced track record, but Jaehyun had no idea it was going to be this bad.Â
Mark, having developed a crush on a fellow vocal performance major in his music theory class, came to Johnny, his frat big, to spill his guts and ask for advice constantly. Being Johnnyâs roommate, meant Jaehyun was also privy to all the details of Markâs love life and he had no problem giving advice to the amusing first year student, which Mark appreciated because going to Johnny meant a clowning session before he could get any useful nuggets of information.Â
When Markâs music theory professor randomly assigned the two for the end of semester project, Mark was one part excited and two parts nervous, resulting in a frazzled mess. He has been going up to the second room on the right of the second floor of the frat house almost every other day to ask for advice since then.Â
Johnny was thrilled when he initially heard of the project, already envisioning his littleâs love prospects, stating something along the lines of âmy littleâs gonna get laid!âÂ
However, now looking at Johnny rubbing his temples in exasperation, Jaehyun can tell that his roommateâs initial enthusiasm has dissipated.Â
Markâs daily roadblock today consisted of his crush giving him the cold shoulder and being much more snappy than before in the project meet up earlier. Mark recalls Yeriâs anger toward him and racks his brain for an answer. Even Johnny and Jaehyun are stumped at the sudden behavior, assuming that things were going smoothly from Markâs previous reports filled with clumsy, but endearing and ultimately positive signs. Itâs only when Mark offhandedly mentions her so-called âstrangeâ comment about the temperature, does it become clear why Yeriâs attitude suddenly shifted so drastically.
âI mean, I donât know what I did wrong.â Markâs second attempt to defend himself has Johnny flaring his nostrils in indignation and Jaehyun has to turn away in an attempt to stifle his laughter.
âDude, sheâs so into you. Or, at least she was, I donât know about it anymore.â Johnny starts after calming down. âShe left herself wide open for you to take a clear shot and you effectively said to her face, âthanks but no thanksâ and then walked away. No wonder sheâs pissed, Iâd be pissed too.âÂ
âWell, what was I supposed to do then?â Mark counters.Â
âMark,â Johnny begins, his tone dry and coarse, âyouâre killing me.â
Jaehyun deems this the perfect time to step in, the laughter about done coursing through his system at this point. He clears his throat before offering his input, âItâs not too, too bad. Johnnyâs just being dramatic. If she likes you enough, sheâll probably forgive you if you play your cards right from here on out.âÂ
Mark perks up, his attention solely on Jaehyun.Â
Jaehyun hums absentmindedly to himself, gathering and organizing his thoughts to properly explain exactly where and how Mark went wrong and what to do moving forward. When Jaehyun opens his mouth to speak, Mark is glued on to every word and Jaehyun can see the gears in his brain whirring at high speeds.Â
By the time Jaehyun is done, Johnny has calmed down and Mark nods his head fervently in understanding.Â
âAh, that makes so much sense now! I got it now.âÂ
Despite his assurances, both Johnny and Jaehyun know Mark will be back soon.Â
âAlright little, listen up,â Johnny starts. âHereâs the game plan from here on out.âÂ
Johnny goes off on a sermon, determined to help his little âget someâ as Johnny so delicately puts it. Jaehyun can see itâs not the most tasteful of word choice for Mark to hear, but the youngest says nothing.Â
Lounging lazily in the bean bag on his side of the room, Jaehyun knocks his head back and thinks of a few weeks back when he accompanied Mark and some other frat members to the rec center for some basketball. Jaehyun remembers Mark was bemoaning the fact he forgot to ask for some girlâs number and it was as if a higher entity heard the boyâs laments and felt especially gracious, because right as they were passing the cafe, Mark stopped in his tracks and suddenly ran off into the busy building.Â
The group of frat boys watched him excitedly weave his way through the crowd of bodies and occupied tables to reach a table with two girls. When they saw the girl putting her number into Markâs phone, Johnny elbowed Jaehyun, and like a proud parent Johnny exaggeratedly acknowledged his little. âThey grow up so fast, donât they, Jaehyun.â Johnny even wiped an imaginary tear from his eye to really send the message home.
It was only a few moments later and Mark came bounding out of the cafe, eager to show everyone how lucky it was that he happened to see her. âI mean what are the odds, right?â the said boy exclaimed so happily, his cheer so infectious, Jaehyun couldnât help himself from letting out a laugh of his own.Â
Jaehyun turned to give Mark an encouraging pat on the back and itâs when he notices a pair of eyes on him. He turns fully to come in the direct line of sight of a girl whose eyes, Jaehyun imagined to have been very warm, had they not been burning holes into him. Her intense gaze slightly unnerved him, but not to the point of pulling away. He found himself entranced and the only thing that broke the quick spell was Johnnyâs voice, calling him to move it along.Â
Jaehyun recalls easily breaking eye contact and giving little thought to the strange girl with fire for eyes, but as the days passed, Jaehyun couldnât shake the thought of her from his mind.Â
Even now in the comfort of his room and with Johnny and Mark not even a foot away, carefully planning Markâs love endeavors, all Jaehyunâs mind can really focus on is the thought of you.Â
Jaehyun is sure heâs only looked at you for less than a minute, but somehow heâs able to clearly trace out the image of you that day, like a perfect snapshot.Â
âYo Jaehyun,â Johnny calls. âYou good? Youâve been spacing out, bro.â
âYeah, Iâm good.â Jaehyun answers offhandedly, before contemplating to himself. Was he good? Jaehyun wouldnât necessarily say heâs bad in any way, but it isnât normal for him to have the thought of a girl remain so clearly engraved in his mind for so long, and even less common for it to actually be a girl he doesnât even know nonetheless. Itâs not a pressing issue, but it does bother him. He weighs over the next steps in his mind.Â
âAlright, just making sure.â
With one last thought, Jaehyun concludes to himself that itâs time to tackle his concern at hand head-on.Â
âActually,â he starts, âMark, do you remember the girl next to Yeri the day you asked for her number?âÂ
Mark quirks his head in thought and Jaehyun can see Johnny raise his eyebrows in sudden interest.Â
âUh kinda,â Mark answers. âI think sheâs a CWP major. Iâm pretty sure we shared an arranging class last semester, but like, I donât know her personally or anything; it was a large lecture. To be honest, I donât even think she recognized me at all, judging from her reaction that day. Why, whatâs up?â
Jaehyun nods, absorbing the information, giving Johnny ample time to fire away.Â
âYeah Jaehyun,â Jaehyun can visualize the glint in Johnnyâs eyes just from hearing his mischievous tone. âWhat is up? I havenât seen you ask about a girl in a hot minute. Thought you suddenly went abstinent without telling me or something.â
Jaehyun isnât quite sure how to reply. Without a doubt you were cute to Jaehyun and he wouldnât be opposed for things to happen between the two of you, but he doesnât even know you! Well, not that itâs been a problem for Jaehyun in the past, but your lingering presence bothers him in ways he cannot communicate. Why is that the thought of you wonât leave him and why does it bother him so much?
Jaehyun decides to be straightforward, as straightforward as his muddled brain allows him to be. âSheâs cute. I wanna get to know her.âÂ
âOkay, Jaehyun.â Johnny whoops obnoxiously. âI see you.âÂ
Mark is surprised and suddenly Johnny is all fired up again. Abruptly, Johnny shoots up and the determination that burns in his eyes is admirable.Â
âIâve got it!â He declares proudly.Â
Jaehyun and Mark are quiet, waiting patiently for him to continue. They say nothing, knowing there is not a thing that can reach him when Johnny gets like this.Â
âWeâre throwing a party and you bet your ass your two girls are gonna be there.â
4. Heaven by Ailee
walking on Cloud 9.Â
âWhen I hear your voice, it feels like Iâm dreaming.â
You look up at the two-story house before you and wonder how you got here. Actually, you donât wonder at all because you know exactly how you ended up at the steps of the local performing arts fraternity at your college, but you sigh regardless, as if someone had weaseled you into being here. Your nerves gnaw at you and you feel your stomach doing all types of aerobic tricks, the feeling reminiscent of the sensation before the roller coaster drops.Â
Yeri grabs your hand and pulls you excitedly to the front door. You can feel the thrum of music emanating from the building. Â
You recall how Yeri almost jumped you to tell the good news.Â
Finals flew by without any major hitches, ignoring sleepless nights and caffeine crashes. You donât know how youâll do, but youâre satisfied with your exam performances. You were in the clear and were just waiting for Yeri to present her joint music theory project before the both of you could finally let loose as a celebration to end the school year.Â
You waited for her outside of the classroom building as promised, playing with your phone to past time until you were suddenly engulfed by a delighted pair of arms. Yeri hugged you tight; she was in high spirits, seemingly from acing her presentation and you hugged her back in congratulations. She pulled at you closer and whispered in your ears, âjust say yes.âÂ
You were confused, but looked up to see Mark headed toward the two you. Yeri released you, leaving one arm still slung casually over your shoulder.
âHey guys. My fratâs throwing a party tonight to celebrate finishing exams. I was wondering if, uh, you guys wanted to come? I mean you donât have to, itâs totally optional.âÂ
You didnât say anything at first and Yeri interjected, âOf course!â She smiled at you innocently despite harshly pinching you to respond, her action hidden from Markâs sight. ��Weâd love to, right?â
âUh,â you answered distractedly. âY-yeah, sure.âÂ
âGreat.â Mark beamed. âParty starts at eight. I gotta go help set up, so Iâll see ya there!âÂ
And with that, he left as soon as he arrived and you looked at Yeri questioningly for answers. âI thought we were hitting downtown tonight. What happened to club hopping?âÂ
Yeri smiled devilishly, âchange of plans. Iâll tell you more about it later. The most important thing is finding the perfect outfit for you tonight, cause Jaehyunâs gonna be there.âÂ
And so, here you find yourself dressed in high-waisted shorts and a cute top that took an embarrassingly long time to decide on. You are greeted by the fraternity president at the door of the house, Taeyong you think his name is, and he gives you two a quick verbal tour of the place, really emphasizing where to get drinks. Yeri thanks him for the both of you and you enter the crowded house. You think at least half of the performing art majors mustâve been here judging by the sheer volume of packed bodies.Â
You remember Yeri explaining how she and Mark may have been making a breakthrough and this party was imperative for its success. You were completely okay attending for that reason alone, because after all, what kind of person sends her best friend to a frat party alone? However, your resolve to go was set in stone after she explained that the frat that was throwing the party just happened to be the same frat Jaehyun was a member of.Â
âAnd yâknow, seeing as how youâve been obsessing over him the past few weeks, itâs the perfect opportunity.âÂ
You frown remembering her words and make your way to the kitchen with Yeri in tow. Various beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, crowd the table and you recognize the guy standing nearby idly chatting with others. Itâs Jaemin, an acting major in your history lecture with whom you frequently exchange notes with when either one of you decides to flake for the day. You vaguely recall him mentioning his fraternity association, but didnât realize it happened to be this one. He sees the two of you approaching the drink table and he smiles widely.
âOh hey, whatâs up?â Jaemin greets casually. âDidnât expect to see you here. Howâd you think you did in the history final?âÂ
You groan. âI donât even want to talk about it. Whatâs important is that weâre finished and I wonât ever have to think about the WWII timeline for, hopefully, forever.â
âAmen,â Jaemin laughs. âIâll drink to that.â He raises up his red solo cup to cheers, before realizing both you and Yeri had nothing to drink.Â
âOh shit, Iâm a pretty bad host, huh? First thing I should've done was get you two something to drink.â He chides himself, but his tone is playful. âWhat can I get for you, ladies?â
Before you can think about what you want, Yeri cuts you off, her tone matching Jaeminâs. âHow about some shots to start off and weâll forgive the lack of hospitality.â
Jaemin laughs again. âAlright, I like it.â His hands are adept at weaving around the table and finding the paper shot cups and the vodka. âSvedkaâs okay, right?âÂ
âWeâre not picky.â You and Yeri agree. You take the shot in one gulp and the unpleasant burning in your throat makes you wince.Â
âCan I get you two anything else?âÂ
âYeah,â you say. âI think another shot and then a mixed drink. Anythingâs fine, but preferably on the stronger side.â You look over at Yeri and she nods in agreement.
âComing right up.â Jaemin agrees easily.Â
He pours the two of you another shot and you think he must be a generous guy because the shot is overflowing. You and Yeri cheer once more while Jaemin gets to work mixing a cherry bourbon with some Coke. He tops off the drinks with some ice before handing it over to the both of you. âHere they are. Enjoy, ladies.â
You thank him and take a sip before excusing yourself to make your way around the party. The drink is sweet and the smoky aftertaste of the bourbon gives it a pleasant edge. You and Yeri are attached to the hip as you drift from one part to another around the party, making easy going small talk along the way. You are sufficiently buzzed by this point and feel much lighter as though the party was somehow two degrees removed from your senses. You look over to check on Yeri and sheâs noticeably drunker than you are, giggling about the simplest of things and slurring her words just the slightest bit. You make a mental note to ease the drinking, wanting to be sober enough to look after her in case anything were to arise.Â
The two of you are at the base of the stairs when you hear Markâs voice calling Yeriâs name. You turn your attention upward to see him ambling down the stairs with excited fervor. His cheeks are flushed, more so than usual around Yeri, and you can tell itâs due to alcohol because Mark is holding her hands and you know he can never be so bold without the help of liquid courage.Â
âYo Mark, slow down there.â A voice calls out and you look up again and you feel your breath caught in your throat.Â
There in front of your eyes is Jung Jaehyun in the flesh. He looks heavenly dressed in simple jeans and a white tee. You unconsciously swallow the lump in your throat and your heart beat gallops a mile a minute in your chest. Your mouth goes dry and you mindlessly gulp down swigs of your drink. You know Yeri wouldâve sniggered at your current state had she not been so tipsy and completely preoccupied with Mark.Â
Jaehyun catches up to Mark and when he reaches the base of the stairs, he notices the two of you.
âOh Jaehyun, lemme introduce you guys.âÂ
As promised, Mark introduces everyone quickly and Jaehyun shoots a smile that seems to be aimed at you. âNice to meet everyone.âÂ
âCool, now that everyone knows each other,â Mark starts. âYeri, can I show you something?âÂ
âUh, y-yeah.âÂ
You give Yeri a hard look and she takes your hand to squeeze it in reassurance. She looks at you pleadingly and thereâs a confidence in her eyes that you canât argue with. You relent and let her go.Â
Mark takes her by the hand and leads her up the stairs while you watch, slightly worried.Â
Jaehyun seems to have sensed your apprehension because the words that leave his mouth snaps you out of your perturbed state. âDonât worry. Markâs a good kid, you have nothing to worry about. You have my word on it.âÂ
And suddenly the situation dawns on you. The boy of your recent all-consuming infatuation stands here before you, and itâs just the two of you alone. Any social skills you have, leave you and youâre unsure of what to do.Â
Jaehyun notices the awkward tension in the air and works quickly to dispel it. âYour drinkâs looking low. Can I get you something else?âÂ
You look down to your drink to see that he was right. Only a few sips remain. You didnât realize you had drank so much at the sight of Jaehyun.Â
âUm, some water would be good. I donât want to be too hungover tomorrow.â You answer shyly. You also need to be sober enough to look after Yeri, but you decide to leave that out.
Jaehyun chuckles, âsure thing. Here, come with me. Iâll get you some water.â
Jaehyun leads you to the kitchen with ease, seamlessly weaving through the crowds of people. Every group of people he passes greets him loudly to be heard of the pounding bass of the music. You are not surprised to see how popular he is.Â
Once in the kitchen, he grabs you a bottle of water and a beer for himself from the fridge and you thank him. The cold water is refreshing, but it does little to cool your nerves. The awkward tension is high and still ever present. You feel as though youâre drowning in it and you also feel like running away from here despite this being what youâve wanted for more than anything for weeks on end.Â
âSo,â Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat. âMark told me youâre a CWP major?âÂ
âUh, y-yeah, actually.â You hate how youâre so flustered around him. âHowâd he know? Did Yeri tell him or something?âÂ
âHe said you guys shared an arranging class last semester.â Jaehyun recalls.
âWait, really? I had no idea.â You start going off on how you couldâve missed such a thing and Jaehyun smiles. Youâre much more comfortable when a rhythm has been established and the words flow out of you easily. Youâre not as relaxed as where Jaehyun wants you to be, but he thinks itâs a good start.Â
You continue with small talk from there, much less uptight than before and you feel glad. Jaehyun is as radiant in person as he is in your imagination. You find him to be very kind and your heart flutters even more. Jaehyun mentions heâs a musical theatre major and you do your best to act surprised despite it being one of the only things you know about him prior to this moment.
Before he gets a chance to tell you more about himself, a tall boy with long limbs calls out to Jaehyun that itâs his turn to join the next game of beer pong. Jaehyun looks reluctant to leave and you donât want him to leave either, but youâd hate to hold him back from prior engagements.Â
âWould you,â Jaehyun licks his lips in consideration, âlike to play with me? I donât have a partner.âÂ
You nod your head and readily agree, eager to spend more time with him.
Youâve only played beer pong a handful of times and being around Jaehyun makes you nervous, so you miss the first few shots. You feel embarrassed, but Jaehyun is patient and assures you that itâs no problem at all. His little words of encouragement mixed with the beer you drink helps melt your tension, and halfway through the game, youâre whooping and hollering with everyone watching the game.Â
You high-five Jaehyun without a second thought after nailing a perfect shot and Jaehyun smiles even wider. The two of you are leading when Taeyong comes in to kick everyone out.Â
âSorry guys, partyâs over.âÂ
Groans of complaints could be heard throughout the crowd, but Taeyongâs words are firm and he ushers everyone to leave. He has a few other frat members behind him helping out. He reaches the beer pong table and pulls Jaehyun aside. After a few exchanged words, Jaehyun nods in agreement and ends the game completely, apologizing to his opponents.Â
Youâre confused, so you carefully ask Jaehyun whatâs going on. He sees you and his gaze softens, he quietly explains, âapparently, the campus police have received multiple noise complaints and since the fraternity already has a strike, Taeyong doesnât really want to risk another. â
âAh, I see.â You nod. Youâre saddened by the turn of events, having finally eased into a relative comfort around Jaehyun and you yearn for more. âWell, I better go look for Yeri then.âÂ
This is a goodbye and youâre unsure of what else to say to him, your disappointment mixes with alcohol making you feel even more miserable. You want to ask for more, but canât find the words to reach him. Luckily, Jaehyun does it for you.Â
âAre you free sometime this week?â He asks. âI feel like we didnât get a chance to really talk and Iâd like to.âÂ
Your heart hammers and the blood rushes in your ears, but you still find yourself uttering a mousy agreement.
âGreat,â his smile is dazzling and you feel dizzy. âItâs a date then.â
5. 24 Hours by Sunmi
rushed minutes.Â
âTime goes by so quickly.â
âHey,â a distant voice calls out and Jaehyun looks up from his phone to see your approaching figure. Your cheeks are rosy from the summer sun and stray pieces of your hair escape from your loosely styled updo. Jaehyun takes all of you in with careful appreciation.
âHey yourself.â Jaehyun chuckles, slipping his phone casually in his pocket and standing up straighter to greet you properly.
Jaehyun sees the red of your face flush brighter, the soft color bleeding across your cheeks and onto your nose. Cute, he thinks. He watches as you tighten your grip on your clutch, knuckles white with nervous tension, in an attempt to gather your composure and calm your nerves. You clear your throat, âI didnât know youâd be here so soon. You shouldâve texted me.âÂ
âItâs all good, I finished early.â Jaehyun notices you no longer stutter around him like the first night you two met. Heâs glad the days and nights of sober texting after exchanging numbers at the party did wonders to make you feel comfortable around him. Heâs not too worried about your current âfirst-dateâ anxiety, knowing itâll be dispelled soon enough. âShall we?â He moves to open the door and the cool rush of air from the cafe greets the two of you.Â
The cafe is quaint and cozy, tucked away in a small corner of intersecting back streets and crowded buildings. Jaehyun discovered the little spot not too long ago and something, Jaehyun assumes his instincts, compelled him to take you to it for the first official date. It just felt right.
The two of you walk to the order counter and you take it all in. You can hear the quiet chatter of the cafe occupants mixed with the rattle of espresso machines being put to work. Your eyes scan over the decorations and several potted succulents hanging from the ceiling. Itâs incredibly homey and you feel at ease.Â
âHiya, I can help the two of you whenever you guys are ready.â The barista is cheerful to a fault and Jaehyun watches you shoot her a grateful smile before your eyes move to the menu to decide on what to get.Â
Jaehyun knows what he wants, so he waits patiently for you to decide, but seeing your eyebrows scrunch together in indecision, Jaehyun chuckles to himself. âI hear the iced lattes here are really good, particularly the caramel latte,â he offers.Â
You perk up in surprise, but you recover quickly, âokay, that sounds good then. I was between that and the iced cocoa.â
âNo problem, Iâll order then. Todayâs on me.â Jaehyun says.Â
Jaehyun walks up to the barista and quickly places the order. He reaches for his wallet after the barista recites the order, but he falters slightly when he sees your gaze glued to the cake display, particularly the crepe cake.Â
âCan I get a slice of the chocolate crepe cake over there too?âÂ
âOf course! Hereâs your new total,â she turns the touch screen display over to Jaehyun and he readily inserts his card to pay. When finished, Jaehyun turns back the screen and after a few taps from the barista, a receipt is printed and she hands him a buzzer.Â
âYour order will be out shortly.â She informs him.
Jaehyun smiles and says a small âthank youâ in return before turning his attention to you. You look up to meet his eyes and you smile, âcan we sit over there by the window?âÂ
You head to the little corner table first with Jaehyun steadily in tow. You sit at the chair that leaves your back to the window and Jaehyun is mesmerized by how the afternoon sunlight refracts through your silhouette. Youâre glowing and Jaehyun swallows thickly.Â
âSo,â he starts. âWhat have you been up to?â
âCelebrating finishing my first year of college in one piece.â You laugh lightly. âI got by with passable grades, but other than that Yeri and I just finished moving into our new dorms. Weâre no longer freshmen, so first year dorms are off limits. Iâm gonna miss the convenient location.â You jokingly mope.Â
Jaehyun laughs easily with you and before he gets a chance to reply, the buzzer goes off so he excuses himself to go pick up the order.Â
A different barista places down a tray with your two drinks and a small slice of cheesecake with two dessert forks resting on some napkins. âEnjoy your order!âÂ
Jaehyun smiles in thanks and picks up the tray to bring it back to the table. He canât wait to see the look on your face when you see the mille crepe cake and true to his expectations, your eyes light up at the sight of dessert.Â
âSurprise.â He says. âI saw you looking at it earlier.âÂ
Jaehyun watches as you immediately grab a small fork and try a piece of the cake with unrestricted child-like excitement. Your eyes light up at the taste of the delicate layers of fresh whipped cream and thin crepes and the smile you shoot in his direction has Jaehyunâs heart beating a little faster than heâs willing to admit.Â
âThank you!â You look up at him. âItâs so good, you should definitely try a bite too.âÂ
âYeah? Iâll try some then.â Jaehyun sits down and leans even closer to you over the table, his mouth open and expectant and his eyes staring straight into yours.Â
You try your best to bite back the scarlet fighting to stain your cheeks as you cinch off a small section of the cake with your fork. Your hand falters just the slightest bit when delivering the small confection to his awaiting mouth, but you push through and feed him despite the embarrassment you feel.Â
Jaehyun chews slowly and deliberately, taking his time to lick the stray whipped cream from the corner of his mouth. You lose the game of chicken, breaking eye contact first.Â
âYeah,â he agrees. âItâs good. We should definitely come back.âÂ
You let out a little awkward cough, desperate to ward off your cloud of emotions. âUhm, yeah sure.â
Jaehyun has always thought you were cute, but he thinks youâre especially cute today.Â
âAnyway,â you start. You want to change the topic because you donât think you can survive this tension without your brain frying. âI feel like Iâve just seen you around recently. I shouldâve run into you a long time ago since the performing arts college is so small.âÂ
âOh,â Jaehyun is a little taken aback. âI used to be over at the East Campus. I was a business and administration major for two years before I switched over to musical theatre.â
âWait really?â Your surprise erases any tension you felt earlier. âI had no idea.â
âYeah,â he laughs. âIt doesnât really come up in conversation.âÂ
âWhyâd you switch over? If you donât mind me asking.âÂ
Jaehyun contemplates his reply for a second as takes a sip of his coffee. âWell, when I entered college, I didnât really know what I wanted, so I just followed whatever my parents wanted me to do. I actually knew I liked musical theatre for the longest time, but it took time for me to build up the courage to switch. My parents werenât happy with it at first and we fought for the longest time, but I think theyâve warmed up to it enough by now. Iâve never really talked about this though, I just tell people I transferred from a different college and the conversation just ends there I guess, but itâs really no big deal.â
âThank you for telling me this, Jaehyun.â Your voice is sincere and Jaehyun believes you.
âWhat about you, hm?â Jaehyun returns. âWhy CWP?âÂ
âI donât really have one point that changed my life and helped me find my calling or whatever,â you ponder with a tilt of the head and the taste of cream dissolving in your mouth. âBut ever since I was little, I always knew I was gonna end up doing something in music. I was never good at singing though, so vocal performance was out the door and I wasnât that interested in classical instruments either, so that helped me narrow stuff down. Actually, what really helped me decide was during orientation, my group leader was a contemporary writing and production major and she told me all about it and Iâve been sold ever since. I really like it though, and have no intention of switching.â
âThatâs good. Sometimes I wish I switched earlier.â Jaehyun muses. âI feel so behind sometimes. Most people in my class have already been in at least one musical and an internship, except for me. I think about it a lot, but I try not to let it get me so down.âÂ
âYou shouldnât feel that way!â You try your best to cheer him up, and Jaehyun appreciates it a lot more than he thought he would. âEveryone has their own pace, thatâs what college is all about! Nothing is ever wasted time. You can think of your time as a business admin major as a way to help you make up your mind on your true passion. You told me youâve always liked musical theatre, but Iâve bet without the time in business, you wouldâve never known you liked it enough to pursue a career out of it.â
Jaehyun laughs at your earnesty. He thinks youâre a touch naive, but your words make him feel light. âYouâre right. I can say for sure I wasnât happy as a business major.â
âSee? Nothing is ever wasted time if you can discover your true happiness out of it.âÂ
The two of you exchange easy chatter after that and between small bites of cake and sips of coffee, Jaehyun thinks youâve become prettier and prettier.
âWhat was it like?â You ask absentmindedly.
âHm? What was âwhatâ like?â
âBeing a business and administration major.â
Jaehyun has to think about it. He recalls constantly dressing up for group presentations and boring lectures, but his mind wanders to his activities outside the classroom. He remembers the constant partying and the blur of faces that helped him keep his bed warm. He remembers brief flings and relationships cut short. He doesnât want to think about those things when heâs next to you. âUhm. It was okay, nothing special, but that reminds meââ
âYeah?â
âAre you free next weekend?â
âI should be. Why, whatâs up?â
âGreat,â Jaehyun smiles while taking the last sip of his coffee. âIâm having a housewarming party at my new apartment. You should definitely be there.âÂ
--
The day of the long awaited housewarming party rolls up sooner than expected between settling into your new dorm with Yeri and the occasional small âget-togethersâ with Jaehyun. Theyâre actually dates if you're being honest, but you donât want to put a title on anything in case he wasnât on the same page as you. Being with Jaehyun made you giddy in more ways than one, but that means the anxiety that pools at the base of your stomach grows larger each day when the relationship between the two of you goes unnamed. You feel greedy when you desperately grasp at the shred of time you share with him, always unwillingly to let go.
âAre you ready?â Yeriâs voice breaks you out of your small reverie. Her hand is poised, ready to knock on the black door of Jaehyunâs apartment, waiting for you to gather your composure. Yeri is dressed to the nines in a cute skirt with a top to match. She wants to look good for her new boyfriend and you teased her endlessly for it when the two of you were getting ready.
âMarkâs one lucky guy.â
âShut up. Worry about yourself.â
âAll I do is love you, yet youâre so mean to me.â
Regardless of her harsh words toward you, she helped you toss your closet inside and out for the perfect outfit to woo Jaehyun, even if it meant showing up late to the party.Â
The two of you leave your dorm twenty minutes later than you intended and it also didnât help that Jaehyunâs apartment was difficult to find, tucked away in a small building between towering skyscrapers, but now is finally the moment of truth.Â
âYeah, Iâm ready as Iâll ever be,â you mutter as you watch Yeri knock on the door.Â
It takes a minute before the door creaks open and Jaehyunâs head pops out. His smile is radiant and youâre absolutely ensnared by the way his fringe falls over his forehead.Â
âHey, glad you two could make it.â Jaehyun opens the door wider to allow you and Yeri to enter. He greets Yeri with polite warmth while he wraps an arm over your shoulders. When Yeri heads in the apartment first with her back against the two of you, Jaehyun steals a quick peck to your temple and whispers, âyou look pretty tonight.â
His touch is fleeting and he pulls back quickly, as if you imagined the whole thing, but his cheeky smile tells you that it really did happen. Your heart hammers and you force yourself to focus on the steady thrum of mellow R&B that reverberates throughout his apartment to calm yourself. You take his apartment in steady strides with your full attention. Itâs sleek and modern with a few pops of his personality here and there in the form of trinkets decoration choices.Â
âHey!â Johnny calls over from the couch. He has a beer in hand, but heâs far from tipsy. Flanked on one side is Doyoung with another beer to match and on the other is Sicheng. Seulgi, the girl, who you assume is Sichengâs significant other, by the way his arm is casually wrapped around her waist, is also there and she nods at you in greeting. You've come to know about all of them after hanging out with Jaehyun so much. âDid you guys get lost or something?âÂ
âYeah,â Yeri replies as she moves to sit next to Mark whoâs on the adjacent loveseat and resting a drink on the coffee table. âSomething like that.â Â
She places a sweet kiss to the corner of Markâs mouth in greeting and you swear you can hear him crooning at the attention.Â
âDoesnât matter, Johnny. The important thing is that theyâre here now.â Jaehyun interjects. âDo you guys want anything to drink?â
âThatâd be nice.â You hum.
Yeri laughs in agreement, âyeah, the two of us could never say no to a drink.â
âAlright, Iâm on it.â Jaehyun calls while moving to the kitchen. âAny preferences?â
âNo,â you say. âSurprise us.â
Jaehyun works to mix drinks and you take a seat on the floor next to the coffee table to observe the party. Perched on the shelf of a slender bookcase in the corner of his living room is a bluetooth speaker playing music, the rhythm quiet and bass steady as everyone chatters away once introductions are made on the sofas. You remember him offhandedly mentioning that he doesnât want any noise complaints on his first week in the new place and it makes sense. Jaehyunâs housewarming party is a quiet affair that is far different from the wild party at the frat house in which you met him, but you think this vibe fits Jaehyun more.
Jaehyun returns shortly with two drinks in tow for you and Yeri and sits himself snugly next to you on the floor. He picks his idle beer from the coffee table and once Johnny realizes that everyone in the proximity has a drink in hand, he raises his voice and beer in a toast. âIt sucks that Taeyong couldnât make it tonight, but hereâs to having fun without him. Weâre gonna get twice as fucked up to make up for his absence, cheers!â
Everyone lets out a chuckle, but obliges to humor him anyway and joins to connect their drink to his in cheers.Â
You pull your cup back and take a big gulp of the drink. Itâs sweet and carbonated, but the sting of alcohol at your throat leaves you wincing just the slightest bit.
A few pleasantries are exchanged here and there, but itâs only then does Doyoung pull out a deck of cards with a devilish glint in his eyes that deceive his looks.Â
âRing of fire, anyone?â
--
After who knows how many rounds of ring of fire (and maybe a few other drinking games here and there) with too many drink refills for you to remember, you somehow find yourself splayed on the couch and leaning over Yeriâs shoulder in support. Seulgi is on the other side of you leaning on you for support, the same way youâre doing to Yeri, but you donât mind it one bit. The three of you have grown surprisingly close with one another throughout the night.
Your mind is lucid enough to still be conscious and completely aware of where you are and what youâre doing, but the alcohol in your system eats away at the details in your memory.Â
You vaguely recall ridiculous punishments that involved Johnny twerking on the dining room table and Mark taking a shot of Jack Daniels mixed with ketchup, and you canât help but snicker to yourself.Â
âI think we should get going now.â Sicheng is the first to speak as he moves to help Seulgi up. âItâs getting late.â
Doyoung looks a little groggy, but when he checks the time, he perks up immediately, âoh shit, youâre right. I need to get going too, Iâve got something in the morning.â
With that everyone shuffles to clean the remnants of the party with as much grace as they can muster while intoxicated, which wasnât much, but in twenty minutes, Jaehyun is already walking half the party to the door in goodbye. Only you, Mark, and Yeri are left.Â
âHey Yeri,â Mark calls softly to Yeri as he brushes a strand of hair from her face. âAre you ready to go too?â
Yeri is still sprawled on the couch with you, but mumbles a small response. âYeah, I should be. Give me a second.â
She turns over to you and nudges you just the slightest bit. âIâm gonna go back to Markâs tonight, are you gonna be okay?â
âYeah,â you assure her. âIâll be fine, just go have fun.â
âSheâs free to rest here until sheâs ready to leave, donât worry. Iâll call a cab for her when the time comes.â Jaehyun pipes up.Â
Yeri gives you a look, but you squeeze her hand one last time to give her some peace of mind. âIâm a big girl, Yeri. Iâll be okay, promise. Iâll walk you to the door, Markâs waiting.â
You give Yeri a tight hug in goodbye and you find your way back to the couch. The fact that youâre all alone in Jaehyunâs apartment doesnât hit because of the remnants of alcohol in your system melts away your nerves.Â
Youâre pleasantly buzzed, lost in your own thoughts when Jaehyun comes up to you with a glass of water in hand. âHere, so you donât feel as bad tomorrow morning.â
You accept it gratefully and take in big gulps, the water refreshing, but your skin feels hot.Â
Jaehyun takes a seat next to you and the proximity makes your head spin. You turn to look at him, and he flashes you a smile.
âHave I told you how beautiful you look tonight?â
âYou mightâve mentioned something.â You tease. âBut I donât mind hearing it again.â
âWell,â he hums. Youâre not sure, but you think the distance between the two of you is decreasing. âYou really do look stunning tonight.â
You flush at his words, but you look straight into his eyes. âYou donât look too bad yourself.â
âYeah? I try to impress.â Jaehyunâs eyes are hooded and your throat goes dry. âCan I kiss you?â
You say nothing at first, his words not registering into your muddled brain, but when you feel his breath ghost over your lips, you donât hesitate to close the gap between you.Â
His lips are slightly chapped and you can taste the vodka on his breath, but to you itâs perfect. Jaehyunâs perfect.
Jaehyun kisses you with reserved passion and practiced expertise. His tongue sets the rhythm against yours and his roaming hands have you feeling as if youâve been set ablaze. He pulls back just the tiniest bit and the intense longing for his touch that hits you is indescribable.Â
You pull him back in your arms and your lips reconnect in a desperate fervor. Jaehyun adjusts his arms around you and the next you know, youâre in his embrace and heâs carrying you to his bedroom. He places you down gently, his bed is plush and comforter soft.Â
Jaehyunâs touch is gentle as he gathers your face in his hands. He kisses you again and you wrap your arm around his neck to pull him closer. He pulls back and looks at you earnestly. âI donât want to do anything youâre not comfortable with. We donât have to do anything tonight.â
Everythingâs moving so fast and youâre dizzy, but you donât want whatever this is to stop. You want to be as close to Jaehyun as possible.
âNo,â your voice is hoarse. âDonât stop. I want you, Jaehyun.â
He kisses you again, this time unrestrained. His tongue is hot, but you can only savor it for a minute before he starts trailing kisses down your neck and tugging at your shirt. You let out a breathy moan in response to how his touches make you feel.Â
Jaehyun reaches at your shorts and makes quick work at unbuttoning them. You help him remove the article of clothing and his slender fingers dart inside your panties. Youâre slick to the touch and Jaehyun must be made of magic because you think youâre seeing stars. You unravel before him embarrassingly quick, but he kisses you at the base of your clavicle in sweet reassurance.Â
Your chest is heaving, but you want more. You grab at Jaehyunâs shirt, urging him to take it off. The expanse of his abdomen is a sight to behold, but Jaehyun is cruel and doesnât give you the time to take it in. Heâs on top of you again, lips crashing onto yours once more. He reaches behind you to unclasp your bra and while heâs pre-occupied, you unbuckle his belt and steal a moment in his boxers. He feels thick and hot in your hands as you run your finger over the tip to feel a drop of pre-cum. He buckles just the slightest bit and it emboldens you.Â
Jaehyun helps himself out of his jeans and you push him onto the bed wanting to be on top this time. Heâs straining against his boxers and you want to help relieve the tension. When you pull off his boxers you can feel his inaudible groan. You stroke his length gingerly and look up to see him with hooded eyes look right back at you.Â
This excites you so you take him in your mouth in a moment of unfiltered courage. Your tongue starts at the base before tracing your way up to his sensitive head. You tease him accordingly to his quiet grunts and groans and when you feel like heâs had enough, you take all of him in until his tip is hitting the back of your throat. You gag a bit, but push through.
âFuck,â Jaehyun stutters out between stacatoed breaths. âBabe, youâre so good.â
You hum in pleasure at his praise and he grabs your hair. This goes on for a few more minutes before he reaches down to stop you. âNot that I donât love this,â the look in your eyes nearly has him faltering his words, âbut I donât want to cum just yet.â
You relent with a slick pop and Jaehyun shifts over to rummage for a condom in his nightstand. You settle back down in his pillows. Jaehyun gives you a soft kiss on the lips before he enters you.Â
âTell me when itâs okay to move,â he whispers and you place a small kiss at the base of his neck.Â
He starts off slow to let you acclimate to his size, but neither of you are very patient, so he ends up pounding into you a lot sooner than he anticipated and you find yourself getting caught up in the pleasure.
It feels like youâre dreaming, but if this was a dream, you never want to wake up.
6. Hush by Miss A
shh, no talking, just us.
âI canât think straight.â
You and Jaehyun donât become official until a few weeks later.Â
He asks you one day when youâre naked and out of breath. Youâve gone one too many rounds with him and a thin layer of sweat coats your body as you lay on his heaving chest. You absentmindedly draw shapes on his skin and he gives you a chaste kiss to your temple.
âWe should date.â He hums. âI think Iâd make a good boyfriend.â
âYeah?â You raise your eyebrow in teasing.
âYeah,â he ascertains. âGive me a chance and Iâll show you.â Â
âHmm,â you pretend to think it over as if this wasnât youâve been hoping for since the first moment you laid eyes on him. âOkay. Letâs give it a try, boyfriend.â
Jaehyun laughs and you feel the world fall into its right place. âAlright, girlfriend.â
And the rest is history as they say.Â
Jaehyun isnât your first, but you experience many firsts with him. Youâre not exactly inexperienced, but he really opens your eyes.
âFuck,â he groans into your neck. His hands grip at your hips to help guide you along, but youâre fully in charge. âYouâre doing so good, babe. Just like that.âÂ
You didnât see yourself as someone who liked to take charge during sex, but after that one time Jaehyun asked you to top, youâve never looked back since.Â
You roll hips into him and at a pace you know drives Jaehyun wild and you pull him into a sloppy kiss. Itâs all tongue and no grace, but you love it the same regardless. You capture his bottom lips between your teeth playfully before pushing him flat on his back until heâs firm against his plush mattress. You place a hand on his chest and the other on his thigh to balance yourself and Jaehyun immediately knows youâre close.Â
A hand rests on your hip to steady you while the other snakes over to play with your clit to further stimulate you toward your climax. Jaehyun knows what you like and his timing is impeccable, so before you know it, both of you are reaching your highs together. You collapse on his chest and you allow yourself to stay in his warmth long enough to have your breaths synchronize before you extricate yourself from him to head to his bathroom.Â
When you come back out, heâs disposed of the used condom and opens your arm wide for a hug, which you gladly indulge in.
Time stops when youâre in his arms.
--
On the surface, it looks like Jaehyun likes to mix it up. He seems like an elusive guy with varied tastes, but the more time you spend with him, you realize he likes the control of seeing you unravel before him.
He likes the intimacy of missionary.Â
The close proximity to your body has him looking into your eyes and leaving you feeling the most vulnerable of ways. He has full access to your neck, which he lovingly claims as his own and you chide him the next day when you see scattered purple blooms. Jaehyun changes his pace on a whim and you fall to his mercy. When he takes you fast and hard, you see stars, but when thrusts in you with languid leisure, he has you begging for more.Â
He likes the intensity of taking from behind.Â
When youâre on your knees with your ass in the air, he takes it as a guarantee to fuck you senseless. Your muffled moans makes his dick twitch and you swear you can feel him fuck into you even faster. Jaehyun always makes sure to wrap his arms around you to finger your clit until you go into sensory overload and he doesnât stop pounding into you until there are tears in your eyes. He kisses each one away before taking your lips in his and you can taste the salt water on his tongue.
He likes the dominance from eating you out.
He laps at your core like a starved man and makes good use of his adept fingers until your head is spinning. Jaehyun makes it a habit to eat you out until youâre satisfied before he gets his turn. When your thighs are on either side of his head and your hands tangled in his hair, he swears he can stay there forever.
Above all, Jaehyun just likes you. He likes being with you and he definitely likes fucking you and you wouldnât have it any other way.
--
âMmmh,â you breathe out.
Your back is flush against Jaehyunâs back as you rock your hips back and forth on his dick. You grind your ass back even harder when he pinches your nipple between his fingers.Â
He kisses your shoulder blade from behind and bucks his hip upward to meet you in the middle.Â
The afternoon sunlight is streaming in from the gaps of his blinds and you want to take it nice and slow today. The television in front of you is playing a movie, but youâre too enraptured by the feeling of him filling you to the brim to pay it any mind.Â
âI love it when youâre on top, babe.â he hums as he plays with your clit.Â
You let out another breathy groan before you can find the composure to bite back at him. âWhat happened to no sex today, hmm? I thought we were just going to have innocent quality time together and watch a movie.â
Jaehyun mustâve not liked your sass, so he bucks up harder. Heâs telling you to pick up the pace and you oblige. Before you know, youâre practically bouncing on his dick and you can feel your impending high about to crash down on you. He can sense it too and maintains his tempo. When you cum, Jaehyun rides on the tail of your climax in pursuit of his own. He cums shortly after with stuttering hips and a bite on your shoulder. He gathers you in his arms and runs his tongue soothingly over where he bit you and the various love bites that heâs littered on the expanse of your skin.Â
âJust being with you is quality time in itself.â He says. âBesides, class is starting soon, so I wonât get to see you as much.â
7. Disturbance by BoA
a ripple on the surface.
âI didnât know at first.â
âSo I do have a roommate after all,â Yeriâs voice calls out and you turn over to see her standing by the doorway. You roll your eyes at her, but quickly turn back to gather your things.Â
She lets out a chuckle, but you donât miss the sour edge to her tone. âI thought I got a single dorm since itâs so empty all the time.â
âYou say that, Yeri,â you retort. âBut I know youâre over at Markâs constantly so I donât wanna hear it from you.â
âYeah, but I make time to come back here and I always let you know when Iâm going out. I feel like Iâve only seen you maybe once or twice the past few months. I feel like the only reason I see you these days is âcause of classes.â
âYouâre just exaggerating, donât be so dramatic. Come on, letâs go. I donât want to be late.â
She looks displeased, but nothing leaves her lips as the two of you head out for the day.
--
Itâs late.Â
When night falls, shadows come out to play and your college campus is riddled with them. The school auditorium is situated in the far corner of the campus and the lamp lights of the main walkways do little, but you pay it little mind. Jaehyun should be getting out soon.
It takes another ten minutes to see him emerge from the double doors and you perk up immediately at the sight of him. He looks a little shocked to see you, but greets you with a warm hug and small peck regardless.Â
âHey,â his voice is small, almost reserved. âWhat are you doing here? I thought I told you I was finishing late tonight.â
âOh, you did, but I still wanted to see you.â You explain, eyes bright and tone undeterred.
âNot that I donât appreciate it,â he licks his lip. âBut itâs really late and I still have more stuff I need to work on. Iâll see you some other time, okay?â
âOh, okay.â
âYeah, Iâm sorry, babe. Next time.â
--
âOh hey,â you smile, but Yeriâs fury is palpable and cuts through you.
âDonât âoh heyâ me.â She spits out. âWhere have you been? Why didnât you answer your phone?â
Sheepish, you reply, âoh sorry. I forgot to fully charge it before leaving and Jaehyun and I have different phones, so I couldnât charge it at his place.â
âYou were at Jaehyunâs?â Yeri is glaring at you at this point and you feel a bit peeved.Â
âYeah. What of it?âÂ
Yeriâs been getting angry at you recently, losing her temper at the drop of a hat, and you canât seem to pinpoint why. Youâre getting tired of being her punching bag.Â
âWe made plans to go shop for Seulgiâs gift today. You promised youâd be there, donât you remember?â
âOh shit.â It completely slips from your mind and you open your mouth to apologize, but Yeri cuts you off before you get the chance.
âForget it. I donât want to hear it. It doesnât matter anymore.â
Yeri turns to leave before you can say anything back.
8. Symptoms by SHINee
somethingâs wrong.
âThe worse it gets, the more exhausted I get.â
Jaehyun feels off.
He canât pinpoint exactly what he is that heâs feeling, but he thinks itâs reminiscent of his world being tilted by six degrees. Itâs not immediately jarring and takes little time for his eyes to register, but heâll occasionally bump his toe, signalling that this isnât right. Things arenât where theyâre supposed to be. His head spins just the slightest bit and he feels woozy, but he doesnât know why.
Jaehyun just feels off.
--
Jaehyun checks the bulletin board of his school auditorium almost religiously.Â
Each time before and after class, heâll swing by and peruse the flyers that hang from haphazardly stuck on pins. He ignores the tutoring offers and the part time jobs scams, his main focus is almost always on the center of the board where they post the upcoming musical theatre production and eventually, the cast list.Â
This semester, the chosen production is La La Land and Jaehyun has been dead set on landing the role of Sebastian Wilder. He stays back extra late each day to practice the script and to work on his singing and annunciation.Â
On the day of the audition, heâs sure heâs nailed it and thinks to himself the world must be ending if he werenât to get the leading role.Â
When he leaves the auditorium in a rush, excitement flows through his veins and he drinks in the night air as a toast of victory. Heâs tipsy on his excitement and wants to laugh out loud, but in the corner of his vision, he sees you. Your eyes light up the sight up, outshining the moon and the stars, but your visage does not elicit the reaction he thinks it should. He expects his heart to swell and burst, but somehow he feels heavy.Â
He pulls you in for a hug and a quick kiss to quell his weighted heart, but he thinks heâs starting to sink so he calls you off for the night. Heâll see you next time.Â
Yeah, next time will be better.
--
Youâre snuggled up close and personal on Jaehyunâs chest. Jaehyun notices you fill every nook and cranny of his being perfectly to a tee, and yet that feeling. Itâs there again.Â
Jaehyun feels off.Â
You laugh at something one of the characters say and you cuddle harder into him. He feels heavy again and it makes his throat itch, so he swoops down and captures your lips.
Itâs hard and fast to scrub away at his uneasiness and before he knows it, his clothes are missing, but so are yours. The foreplay is brief and almost impersonal, but he doesnât care. He just needs to be inside you.Â
When Jaehyun has you begging and writhing, he feels like the world is where it should be. No longer is he living at a slight angle when heâs buried to the hilt inside your warmth, so when he sees you, he does what he can to get you out of your pants.Â
Today is no different from any other.Â
After a satisfying session you roll on his chest. Your kiss is soft and sweet despite the sweat that covers both of your bodies. He hums quietly as he taps melodies on along your exposed spine.
âJaehyun?â
âYeah?â
âI think I love you.â
Ah. Jaehyun thinks heâs getting it now, why heâs feeling off.
Jaehyun thinks heâs being suffocated.
--
To the surprise of no one, and especially not to him, Jaehyun gets the leading role of Sebastian Wilder in La La Land. He was a shoe-in for it anyway and he made sure to put in the work to get it.Â
His leading lady is someone by the name of Park Sooyoung, but at the first rehearsal she introduces herself as Joy.
âItâs nice to meet you.â She offers her hand out in a friendly greeting. âHereâs to a successful show together, Jaehyun.â
Her smile is blinding and he thinks Joy is a fitting name. He grasps her outstretched hand, grip firm and sure.Â
âYeah,â he smiles back. âHereâs to a good show together.â
--
Rehearsals span over blurred minutes and long hours.Â
Jaehyun sees less and less of you and spends more and more time with her.Â
During a quick water break, he scans his phone briefly to see a text notification from you. He takes another swig of water and returns to the rehearsal.
Itâs okay, he can always text you back later.
9. Before U Go - TVXQ!
letting go.
âI will leave now.â
âCome on!â You tug both Mark and Yeri along excitedly. âI want to get good seats.â
Yeri rolls her eyes, but obliges anyway, pulling Mark along. Itâs opening night for Jaehyunâs big musical and you wanted to be there no matter what to support him. Johnny, Doyoung, Taeyong, Sicheng, and Seulgi are already inside waiting and youâre not sure if they were able to save the three of you a spot.Â
After a long chat with Yeri, you apologized profusely to her. You did get blinded by your relationship with him and prioritized him over everything, forgetting your friends and other responsibilities in the process. Yeri forgave you easily and helped keep you in line when you went to head over heels for Jaehyun.Â
However, after patching things up with Yeri, you begin to notice a shift in your relationship with Jaehyunâs. Youâre not quite sure how to describe it, but it almost feels like a distance almost.Â
You chalk it up to his busy rehearsal schedule and choose not to dwell on the topic, in fears of your wandering imagination. It should be fine. After his musical is over, heâll be less busy and things will fall back into place.Â
Right?
âOver here!â Seulgi waves over excitedly.Â
The auditorium is starting to fill up and you want to get comfortable before the show starts.Â
Everyone greets each other in hushed tones and soon enough, the show starts.Â
Right. Everything will be fine.
--
Jaehyun does amazing.Â
Your eyes are trained on him the whole time and his singing has goosebumps pricking your skin. You can see the passion pour through him every time heâs on stage and you couldnât be more proud.Â
A nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach points out the undeniable chemistry between him and his co-star, but you push it deep down and suppress it.Â
Theyâre actors, and theyâre good at what they do.Â
Yeah. Theyâre just acting. Yeah. Acting.
--
When the curtains close, youâre the first to shoot out of your seat, eager to meet him backstage. You weave through the endless crowd of people, murmuring your âsorryâsâ and âexcuse meâsâ as you pass by. You reach the base of the backstage and shoot a message to let him know youâre waiting. You hum to yourself when you happen to overhear a conversation playing out.Â
âYou did so good, Jae.âÂ
âNo, you definitely carried the show.âÂ
You turn up and you see them. Her eyes are almost soft and loving as she pulls your boyfriend in for a hug. They linger in the embrace longer than necessary and you clear your throat to catch his attention.Â
He jolts just the slightest bit when he sees you and immediately lets her go.Â
âEveryoneâs waiting,â you say quietly.Â
âOkay,â he nods. âLet me go get my stuff in the back.â
Jaehyun leaves the two of you alone and you wait for him to get back.Â
When you leave, he waves goodbye to her and she smiles back.
--
Jaehyunâs celebration party is rowdy, but itâs to be expected when Johnny is the one hosting.Â
He books a table at the local club and even orders bottle service. The eight of you work your way through two whole bottles of tequila and are already on your third. Jaehyun is downing the shots at a quicker pace than usual and youâre a bit concerned, but youâre unable to say anything because when you try, he whisks himself away to the dance floor and strikes up a conversation with someone else.Â
Youâre perturbed, but you say nothing. This is his celebration night and he can choose to enjoy it how he wishes.Â
By the end of the night, Jaehyun is noticeably drunk and you haul him outside to get a breath of fresh air in hopes of sobering up. Heâs heavy, but you make it out the side door. You prop him up on your side as you lean on the grimy brick walls.Â
Months have passed and the weather is chilly.Â
Jaehyunâs body sways and he murmurs something in your ear. You donât catch it the first time, the overwhelming smell of tequila overtaking your senses.Â
âWhat was that?â
He grumbles beneath his breath, steps staggering once more. He tries again, this time his words are crisp and clear and they cut into you in more ways than one.Â
âI think we should end it.â
For someone so drunk, he sounds so sober.
Youâre at a loss for words. A part of you knew this was coming from his lack of enthusiasm around you and his decreased texts. Even the cold night air couldnât keep your heartbreak at bay. You say nothing, but you understand the both of you knew it was a silent agreement.
You breathe out wisps of chilled air as Jaehyunâs inebriated body stays slumped over on your side.Â
--
You volunteer to take Jaehyun home.
You tuck him gently in bed making sure to prop him on his side in case he vomits during the night. You pour a glass of water and place an ibuprofen on his nightstand drawer for him in the morning.Â
You kiss him on the forehead one last time. You hope it conveys all of the things brewing in your heart at the moment, but you know it doesnât.Â
Later, you leave his apartment with all of your belongings that you ever left there with the stars as your witness.Â
You never return to his place again.
10. Coffee Shop by B.A.P
what couldâve been.
âSo without knowing, like a habit, I came here.â
Jaehyun wakes up to an empty bed.
Morning sunlight streams through his blinds and burns at his skin as a sign to get ready for the day. He blinks the drowsiness from his system and stretches his weary joints before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day.Â
On his rare day offs, he allows his body to go on auto-pilot. He completely shuts his brain off and allows it to do whatever it chooses.
Today, it takes him back to the cafe.Â
His body knows where itâs going before it registers in his mind.Â
The barista manning the order counter is different, but the decorations are the same, still the same succulents hanging from the ceilings. He mulls over the menu and goes up to order.
âCan I get an iced caramel latte?â Jaehyun doesnât have much of a sweet tooth, but heâs feeling nostalgic today.Â
âOf course! Hereâs your total.âÂ
He pays with a swipe of his card and the barista goes to work making his drink. He waits around by the counter and soon enough, his drink is ready. That particular table is empty, so he grabs a chair to sit. His first sip is overly saccharine, but he appreciates how the flavor mellows out by the end of it.Â
Itâs been nearly a year since that night.Â
Jaehyun remembers waking up to a splitting headache and a dry mouth. He thought nothing of the prepared setup as he gulps the ibuprofen and the glass of water in one go. Nothing seemed amiss really until a few days later.Â
No one mentioned your name around him and he caught Seulgi giving him a look every now and then. Mark didnât say much either, but Jaehyun felt him drifting away.
He thought heâd feel a lot more, but he didnât. One day you were a part of his life and then the next day you werenât. It really was that simple.
He kept in contact with Joy even after La La Land was over and maybe they were something more, but it didnât last longer than a few weeks.Â
It didnât feel right when he was with her. Again, something felt off, but a different kind of off.
Joy was the one to end things with him, but he didnât mind too much.Â
He filled his days with study and practice and it wasnât until he landed a job at his local theatre company that he realized.
It was you. It was always you and perhaps it still is you.Â
Maybe you were different. Maybe you were the one, but Jaehyun didnât try.
He recalls feeling smothered. You were always there at the beginning, but he took that for granted.Â
There are a lot of things he regrets, but above all, he regrets not talking with you. He regrets not trying to work on it. He regrets being a coward and running away at the first signs of true emotions.Â
You werenât perfect, but neither was he, but he shouldâve stayed so the both of you could work it out together. Jaehyun always did take too long to find the courage to pursue what he wanted.
With a final sip, he finishes the drink and moves to throw it away. Then, he sees you. Here, in the flesh, in almost a year.Â
Your hair is longer, but your cheeks are still as rosy as ever. You walk up to order and Jaehyun thinks itâs a sign. He moves to greet you, but the doors open again and in walk Yeri and Seulgi. He watches you greet them warmly with wide open arms.Â
You always did give the best hugs.
Jaehyun watches the three of you chatter away and he feels acutely out of place in the little cafe. You look happy and he should move on.Â
He throws his finished cup in the trash can and moves to exit through the side door, but he moves too slowly.
âJaehyun, is that you?â You call out. He looks into your steady gaze and almost feels shy.Â
âYeah,â heâs quiet. âItâs been awhile.â
âIt has,â you agree. âYou look well.â
The smile you give him has him believing in second chances and maybe heâll get it right this time.
Note: i am so sorry that the second part is a hot mess express smh⌠there were a lot of things i planned and intended that didnât happen, but iâll just take this as a learning experience and write and better story next time. thanks for taking the time to read this !! <3
masterlist.
#nctcreations#cznnet#neowritingsnet#jaehyun scenario#jaehyun fanfic#jaehyun smut#jaehyun angst#jaehyun fluff#nct scenario#nct fanfic#nct smut#nct angst#nct fluff
790 notes
¡
View notes
Text
For a little bit of sunshine - Chapter 4
Fandom: Top Gun: Maverick
Rating: Teen and up audiences
Summary: He is one of the countryâs best naval aviators, she is a dance instructor and a writer. He has been called back to Top Gun for an extremely dangerous mission, she is battling her insecurities. They meet at a bar. This is their story.
Relationships: Bradley âRoosterâ Bradshaw x Female OC
Chapter 1 I Chapter 2Â I Chapter 3
Chapter summary: After realizing that Rooster doesn't feel the same way as she does, Maggie decides to move on and goes on a line dancing event with Keeley and her friends.
Songs:Â Hello Mr Heartache by The Chicks, Gives You Hell by The All American Rejects, The Lasso Ranch playlist
Word count: 1565
A/N: Originally, I wasnât planning to send Maggie to a country club, but after rewatching Footloose, I wanted to see her doing some country dancing. Also, since I couldnât decide what song should be on at the end of the chapter, I put together a playlist with upbeat country songs that could be played in The Lasso Ranch and any of them can fit that scene. You can find a link to the playlist in the songs section.
Chapter 4 - High value
I will be okay, no matter what.
Lying in her bed with her legs tangled into the covers, Maggie Rose Miller had to realize she wasnât okay. No matter how many times she repeated that sentence like a mantra or how many Just Dance routines she had done, she still wasnât feeling better.
Two days had passed since the realization that Bradley âRoosterâ Bradshaw, the first annoying, now attractive piano guy didnât like her the same way as she did, and she was still feeling bad about it. Sadness, anger, disappointment, and shame came to visit and they didnât want to go away. She was sad due to the fact that Rooster didnât like her enough (or at least it seemed so) which made her angry - mostly with herself for letting this happen again, for liking someone who didnât reciprocate the feeling. This led to the disappointment that despite all the hard work on herself, she was still back at the beginning, doing what she was the best at: being a letdown. Right now, to herself. And then along came the shame she felt for not being able to learn from her own mistakes and for letting herself be fooled by a couple of phone calls and encounters she didnât dare call dates. Oh, and for not being able to move on just yet. Based on the books she read and the videos she watched, she thought that a confident, high value woman would get over a guy in a snap. He didnât like her? Sheâd just shrug it off and move on, most probably to Nancy Sinatraâs These Boots Are Made for Walking. In Maggieâs head, however, Hello, Mr Heartache by The Chicks was playing on repeat, and no matter how many times she snapped her fingers, the feelings were still there. Perhaps this was an exaggeration, but she definitely felt like these women moved on in a blink of an eye which was something Maggie couldnât do. And it gave her another reason to hate herself.
While having breakfast, she was sweeping through her journals, hoping to find something about moving on, asking herself the question: what would a confident woman do? Well, apparently, a confident woman would not suppress her feelings. A confident woman accepts them and doesnât think things like âHow dare you like him? Heâs so out of your league!â No, a confident woman never puts a man on a pedestal, even if he is a Top Gun pilot and dances like a dream.
âWhat would a confident woman do in such a situation?â she asked herself once she finished reading.
Well, she would acknowledge the feeling: it sucks when he doesnât like you enough. Then she would give herself time to mourn the relationship - or in this case, the potential. She would wallow, she would blast Gives You Hell in her car with the windows down (if that was her thing), then she would move on towards the new possibilities.
And that was exactly what she was going to do, too.
***
And truth be told I miss you And truth be told Iâm lyingâŚ
The next morning, Maggie woke up with Gives You Hell playing in her head. She didnât feel much better than the day before, but this time it was mostly due to the lack of sleep - perhaps it wasnât the best idea starting to watch The Ugly Truth at midnight. Getting out of bed she spotted her notebook left open on her desk. Taking a look inside, she saw the rough outline of a story idea. She had some blurred memories of pacing up and down in the living room with first a glass, then with a bottle of wine, thinking about a notoriously single woman - the last one standing amongst her friends and family - and a male relationship coach who would have to team up for some reason, and of course would end up falling in love with each other. His name would be Brandon, heâd be in his mid-thirties, with a mustache, looking like a character from an â80s TV show.
âThat was very smooth, Maggie,â she told herself with a headshake.
On the other hand, she took this as a good sign. A confident woman would totally turn her misery into something creative. And make a voodoo doll, she added in thoughts. Oh, wait. Thatâs a good one! She picked up a pen and quickly wrote it down.
Even though she was still listening to Gives You Hell when she arrived at the fitness center, Maggie was feeling a lot better.
âTomorrow weâre going out with the girls,â Keeley Morrison told her when she entered the building, saying hello to the receptionist and Toni Ălvarez who was chatting with her. âItâs line dancing night at The Lasso Ranch.â
Toni skeptically raised a brow, but to his surprise, Maggie smiled at the offer. Line dancing wasnât really her cup of tea, but she felt it was a good opportunity to try something new and a confident woman would definitely do that.
âSure, why not?â she said.
âLine dancing, really?â Toni echoed, still being skeptical.
âItâs a good opportunity to step out of my comfort zone,â Maggie said with a shrug.
âYeah, but line dancing? Sorry, Keeley, itâs really not my thing,â he admitted, then turned back to Maggie. âYou might as well try kizomba.â
âYeah. Or go swimming with sharks. Thanks, but no thanks,â she said.
âNice try, though,â Keeley said to Toni who nodded his head.
âCount me in tomorrow,â Maggie said then headed to the locker room to change.
***
The Lasso Ranch was a bar in San Diego run by a retired aviator with the call sign âLassoâ who organized line dance nights regularly. Seeing all the cowboy boots, denim vests and cowboy hats she felt underdressed in her denim shorts and a blue plaid shirt worn over a plain black tank top, wearing sneakers. At least she could have borrowed a hat from someone. She was feeling a little embarrassed as she glanced at Keeley and her two friends, Denise and Melissa, all looking like they had just come back from shooting a country music video.
âShall we hit the dance floor?â Melissa asked, throwing a glance at the crowd dancing in unison to a lively country song.
âIâm too sober for this,â Keeley said, sweeping her light brown hair behind her back. âAnd so is Maggie,â she added with a small laugh. âYou look like youâre on a different planet.â
âI feel like I am,â the dance instructor admitted, and even though she tried to joke it off, she felt her anxiety clenching her stomach. Perhaps this wasnât such a good idea after all.
However, as they were waiting for their drinks at the bar, she decided to stop this. Or at least, try to. Now that she was here at a dance night with some friends, why not have some fun? A confident woman would do that. And if I still feel like an alien an hour later, I can still go home, she thought to herself.
She clinked glasses with the girls and downed her shot, letting the alcohol wash away her anxiety. She still felt nervous when she followed Keeley and her friends to the dance floor, but she tried to see it as a challenge.
âJust do what everyone else does,â Keeley told her with an encouraging smile. âItâs pretty easy.â
âSalsa is a lot harder,â Denise said, adjusting her hat on her thick, black curls.
âAnd even I could learn this, without a sense of rhythm,â Melissa told her. âSo, Iâm sure you can, too.â
âThank you,â Maggie nodded with a small smile, and she began to tap the beat with her foot, familiarizing with the music.
Then she started to follow the steps of the person standing in front of her. She couldnât really tell whether they were a man or a woman, she wasnât paying attention to that. What mattered to her was what their feet were doing in those brown, embroidered cowboy boots.
The first song was more like a stumble party, but in the second one she could follow the steps better, and when the third one came along, she even began to enjoy herself. This lasted until she missed a turn and she only noticed it when the brown boots were towards her. Maggie felt her cheeks turning red and she froze like a deer caught in the headlights.
âJust turn,â she heard a soft voice belonging to the owner of the boots: a young man with a light-colored cowboy hat, dark blonde hair, green eyes and a wide grin she found familiar.
âThanks!â she said, then turned around quickly, trying to concentrate on the steps instead of trying to figure out where she had seen this guy before.
After that she caught him throwing a glance at her every once in a while and she wasnât only looking at his boots anymore. Then, when another turn came, he was supposed to face forward, but he stayed where he was.
âYou forgot to turn,â she stated.
âNo, I didnât,â he said, flashing a smile at her and he finished the song facing her, and surprisingly, she didnât mind it.
When the song ended, he stepped to her and held out his hand.
âIâm Jake.â
âMaggie.â
âLetâs get you a drink.â
***
Chapter 5
Tagging: @lj13oct, @discojohndeacy, @luckyladycreator2, @moechen86, @katieshook02, @the-untamed-soul, @literary-lesbian, @a-littlebit-ofeverything, @jascasandra, @getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth, @angelinagabrielâ, @alanadetigy, @multiple-fandoms-girlâ
#top gun#top gun maverick#jake hangman seresin#jake seresin#maggie miller#rooster x oc#top gun fanfiction#my fics#for a little bit of sunshine
9 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Heartstopper
Hello Guys,
Its been over a month that Heartstopper released, and every time I think the fandom is slowing down, a new interview pops up, following which a new info about the cast pops up following which you get the greatest news that can be there for a show which is not 1 but a 2 season renewal.Â
All hail Alice Oseman for this series!!!! Netflix too for not (in a polite manner) fucking it up.
I have a lot of thoughts, which were put on hold due to the normal life because one needs to do all that to have simple pleasures in life. Over the month there hasnât been a day I havenât read about Heartstopper. When I first saw the teaser it promised itself to be a cute story in a very rom-com setting. The trailer came and my interest was piqued. Netflix dropped all its episodes on 22nd April and binging it was the only way to do it. It took me roughly 4-5hrs and in lack of better words I wasnât the same.Â
The show is Perfect. I donât think any words suits it. Itâs perfect who already recognize themselves, itâs perfect for those you are discovering and learning about themselves, itâs perfect for those who need to check their action and behavior, itâs perfect those who donât know how to approach this side.Â
Letâs start with basics shall we,
Storyline - Alice Oseman giving us what we didnât know we ever needed. Although the graphic novel came back in 2016, which has a following itself, the show was decided to be adapted in 2019 and today in 2022 we finally have this beautiful piece in front of us.
Casting - A1, I donât think you could have found anyone better for their roles if you searched with a candle anywhere. Itâs like God was so impressed with this graphic novel that he made sure we have freaking re-incarnations of these characters. Kit, Joe, Yasmin, William, Sebastian, Corinna, Cormac, Izzy, Rhea and Tobie all were downright commendable. Hatâs off to you guys because no one could have done it better, especially when for so many of them itâs their first acting credit. Sebastian Croft and Cormac, you both easily bring out something in me that should not be named which goes to show how much I hate Ben and Harry, an unhealthy amount easily though. Please seek therapy.Â
Cinematography - Probably one of the best I have seen. Especially the Tara Darcy Kiss, because that scene is supremacy. It embodies everything good about being in love because thatâs what it is all about isnât it, to find someone you love even if itâs yourself.Â
Emotions - I have laughed, cried, sobbed, smiled, got angry and every other emotion that could possible existed has been felt during this watch. Also the other 4 times of re-watching. Itâs always the same which is saying something. They were not overboard or fake, but natural and I think it resonated not just with me but everyone who watched it given the success it has risen to and continues to do so.Â
Music - By god, I have never heard a better playlist than Heartstopper, it was like every track was custom made for all the different situations that were happening. The songs embodied the situations perfectly because even without saying you can understand a lot just lyrics.Â
A lot of us regardless of age have been able to relate with different experiences that have been portrayed in the series. A lot of us have had nostalgia, something to reminisce and relive those ugly, harsh and even traumatic memories because the world and this society has not always been kind to those who donât fit in their mold and idea of a person should be.Â
This series was treat to watch and highlighted so many things from the smallest things that matter to the biggest of conversations that needs to talked about. Iâm thoroughly grateful for Netflix for renewing this show and I just hope the integrity, the soul and the charm this show had in season 1 is carried well into the other 2 seasons.Â
Canât wait to see these people grow and succeed. The best is yet to come.Â
#heartstopper#alice oseman#charlie spring#nick nelson#charlie x nick#charlie spring x nick nelson#tara x darcy#joe locke#kit connor#sebastian croft#yasmin finney#william gao#tao x elle#oscar
18 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Losing You Twice / 1: If I Hated You
Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Itâs Valentineâs Day weekend, and it turns out Y/N isnât the only one struggling with the breakup. Category: Smut (18+), Angst Content Warnings: Language, drinking/getting drunk, penetrative/unprotected sex (If I missed anything, please let me know!) Word Count: 5,538
SERIES MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST
âMy bedtime is the darkest, thatâs when Iâm brokenhearted. The nighttime is the hardest. Itâd be easy, if I hated you.â âFLETCHER, If I Hated You
FEBRUARY 13th
It was Valentine's Day weekend, which sucked this time around. Every year for the past three years Y/N looked forward to Valentine's Day, but that was when she actually had someone to spend it with.
Well, someone she actually cared about, anyway... Whether or not Spencer actually knew it, she did really care about him. She was just stupid and didn't say it when he needed to hear it the most.
And now Valentine's Day was on Saturday and Y/N was still without him. Not alone, but still without the man who'd spent the significant holiday with her for the past three years. Memories of their dates and 'afterparties' flooded through her mind as she got ready for work like a montage, a cheesy love-song playlist she'd found on Spotify acting as the soundtrack.
Eventually she sighed and turned it off, opting for something more loud and obnoxious, and therefore not tainted by Spencer's memory. She applied what was left of her makeup and added a pair of earrings before turning the music off altogether and shoving her phone in her bag alongside her keys and other necessities.
Even though she wasn't emotionally prepared for all the cheesy Valentine's things she'd see and hear and experience throughout the weekend, it was still kind of nice to see that things in the bank never changed during the holidaysâ Everything in her life was so severely different at the moment, that if Marjorie had somehow decided to throw out all her elaborate decorations for each holiday, no matter how small, Y/N would have thought the world was truly ending.
Speaking of, she was met with Marjorie's brighter-than-the-sun smile almost immediately once she set her things in the breakroom.
"How's my little macaron this morning?" she chirped, Y/N chuckling slightly at the nicknameâ She brought macarons from the bakery down the street on her first birthday she spent at the bank, and ever since then, the older woman had adorned her with the namesake.
"She's alright, Marj... Better now that she's seen you..."
"That boy still on your mind, hon?"
Obviously Marjorie's intentions were good, but Y/N couldn't stand to think about the situation at all, least of all at work... So, setting her jacket on the rack, turned away so that her coworker wouldn't see the visible discomfort on her face, Y/N squeezed her eyes shut and cleared her throat. "So, what are your plans with Geno tomorrow night? Anything special?"
There was a brief pause before Marjorie cleared her throat as well. "Nothing short of our usual dinner plans, my dear. He's been so caught up with work at the Mill lately, I think we're just going to spend the night relaxing."
"Hm," Y/N said shortly, finally turning around and giving her the best smile she could. "Maybe I should take a page from your book and stay in..."
"You weren't going to?"
"No... Britt's been nagging me about getting out there so we're going out tomorrow night. We both haven't been single in a long time, so... Should be fun."
Marjorie didn't look convinced. Either way, she nodded with a smile and walked over to Y/N with something glittery and bright red in her handâ A cheap beaded necklace to clip her nametag onto. She draped it over Y/N's neck and patted her shoulders. "Well, I want you to have fun. And remember that you still have to come to work on Monday. Whatever shenanigans you get into should be reserved for Saturday night only so you can rest properly on Sunday, got it?"
Y/N laughed, thankful for the playful tone in Marjorie's voice. "Yes, Ma'am."
"Oh, I joke, I joke," the older woman said with a bright laugh, turning to walk out of the break room. "A little..."
The smile on Y/N's face only really lasted until after Marjorie was out of sight, then she went into her bag and clipped her nametag onto the red beaded necklace with a sigh.
Was she excited to have a good night out with Britt? Of course. Hell, had it been literally any other day of the year, she would have been practically bouncing off the walls with excitement at the idea of going out to a bar, letting men hit on her until she finally let one of them take her back to his place for the night.
But it just felt like it was too soon.
Either way, she was glad that she'd get to see Britt again, after she'd been on vacation for Christmas and New Year's to see her family and only got back a few weeks ago. She'd seen her on Facetime of course, and they met up once for coffee right after Britt got back from her trip, but a well-needed night out and quality time getting ready together was something that had been missing from their friendship for almost a year.
Y/N knew Britt would most likely spend her time trying to hook them up with end-of-the-night dates, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad...
Even still, sleeping alone the night before was probably one of the worst spells of loneliness she'd ever had. It was normal to be sad spending the first Valentine's Day in years away from a significant other, but knowing how things ended between themâbitter and stained with words left unsaidâthis time was just... cold.
And that was putting it lightly.
Y/N laid in bed that night, her eyes wide open and staring at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars that adorned the ceiling. They used to give her comfort, but now they just reminded her of all the nights she'd spend with Spencer, listening to him tell stories about the constellations. They were some of the most peaceful memories she had.
And now those, tooâthose stars that had grounded her pretty much all her life and reminded her of the better daysâwere tainted by her inability to properly communicate.
She almost thought about taking them down.
But if she was really going to get over him this time, for good, then she'd have to learn to make new memories with the stars. Even if it was painful. Even if replacing those memories and writing new ones over them absolutely tore her soul to pieces.
And, as if that pain wasn't enough, that night Y/N dreamt of him, making love to her amongst the stars in every galaxy, only to wake up the next morning cold and alone.
FEBRUARY 14th
She promptly decided that she hated his guts.
It was Valentine's Day, Y/N was respectfully buzzed, and courtesy of two beers and four shots of tequila, she'd just deleted Spencer's number from her phone.
"I'm done," she said, waving a hand at Britt and shoving her phone in her purse. "He doesn't deserve my wallowing."
"Yeah!"
Britt was significantly the more drunk of the two, resulting in a fit of giggles after gaining some stares from the people around them at her sudden outburst.
Y/N smiled, finishing off another shot and shaking her head. "We need more!"
"More shots!" Britt hurried off to grab them, leaving her friend behind with a half-drunken smile that also only felt half-genuine.
Sure, she decided she hated Spencer's guts, but her heart didn't exactly agree well with that sentiment. Even after deleting his number from her phone, after downing all that alcohol, her heart still ached.
Y/N knew deep down that getting over him was going to take some time. A lot of time... But maybe one night of distraction would help.
So the shots kept coming, and by the end of the night, Y/N was just about at her limit.
Which was near black-out drunk. And when you're that drunk you tend to make decisions you wouldn't soberly condone.
Britt got into a cab, and she begged Y/N to come with her, but she assured her friend that she had someone to come pick her up. Eventually the cab driver got tired of their inability to decide, and when Y/N told him to go, he did, leaving her alone on the side of the street at 1am.
Unfortunately, it was incredibly cold, and she didn't really have anyone to come pick her up. And that's where the bad decisions started.
Y/N pulled her phone out, a long sigh escaping her as she dialed the number by heart.
Would he even pick up? He hadn't answered any of her calls or texts before, so why would it have been any different now? Not to mention it was Valentine's Day Weekend. With her luck, he was probably in bed with someone else. Someone who wasn't her. As she listened to the dial tone repeating in her ear, images of him wrapped up with somebody elseâsleeping in the bed she'd slept in many times beforeâclouded her drunken brain and made her more angry than anything.
Her gut twisted, and she almost hung up.
But then the low buzz of the dial tone abruptly stopped and in its place came his voice.
"Y/N?"
Her name on his lips, even through the phone, was grounding, the anger in her system melting away and revealing a coat of drunken relief.
"Spencer! You answered!"
"Yeah... Are youâ Is everything okay?"
"Pff, yeah, 'm-fine. Just really fucking cold."
"You're not outside, are you?"
"Duh, I'm outside... I wouldn't be cold in-side... Besides, I didn't call t'alk bout the weather, I need you t'come pick me up."
There was a brief pause, and for a moment Y/N didn't think he was going to say anything she wanted to hear. She swayed on the sidewalk, shivering and praying that he would throw her a bone, even if she'd regret it all in the morning.
"Where are you?" he said finally, and despite herself, she smiled.
FEBRUARY 15th
Spencer couldn't believe he was picking her up at near two in the morning.
Honestly, he'd initially thought about ignoring her call again, but remembering the day it was and taking note of the time, he figured she was most likely in some type of inebriated trouble.
His instincts were right, of course, but he wished that he could have been wrong. He wished she'd only been calling to drunkenly ramble on about how she missed him or maybe how he was stupid and she never wanted to see his face ever again, because that was normal. At least then he could have hung up after she was done and never thought about it againâ it was a normal step in any relationship that helped move things along. They could have gotten on with their lives and it would have all been over.
But of course it was never that simple.
Y/N was never that simple.
He pictured her on the street near some bar, alone and cold and drunk, and of course he would have been the only one she could call to rescue her. After all, he'd been pretty much the only thing she'd ever known to make her feel safe.
Still, he wished he was capable of only giving her a ride home and then leaving.
But again, it was never that simple.
It was easy getting her into the carâ that wasn't what he was worried about. Rather, it was the fated moment where she'd ask him to stay after he finally got her tucked safely into bed that worried him. Because it was bad enough that it was Y/N... It was her in all her alluring glory, and he'd never been able to deny her anything no matter how badly he tried or wanted to.
Now add on the fact that she was drunk, and most likely sad on their first Valentine's Day apart, and it was a recipe for disaster.
Even if she'd broken his heart, Spencer still cared about her.
Which is why he inevitably agreed to stay, at least until she fell asleep.
He knew her well enough to know all the ways she'd try to get him under the covers with her, so it was a familiar amusement that settled in his being when he was finally able to get on top of the covers with her underneath. But as he entertained her silly little questions with the right answers until she fell asleep, Spencer noticed something else accompanying that amusement.
Guilt.
And then anger for feeling guilty about her sadnessâ sadness that could have been avoided had she just gotten over whatever was holding her back and either returned his "I love you" or  told him she wasn't feeling the same way just yet.
All she had to do was talk.
He had a right to feel upset about Y/N holding back when he'd been nothing but patient, spending almost every year of their relationship trying to make her see that she had nothing to be afraid of. He'd given her every chance to talk about what she was feeling, whether it was happy or not, and every time she pushed it all away in favor of sex.
That wasn't what he wanted in a relationship, so he ended it. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So why was he feeling so fucking guilty?
He blamed his good nature and innate need to please people, to make them feel good and happy. But he also blamed Y/N and her adorable drunken sleeping face.
He watched as she slept, willing himself not to forget the way she hurt him. She'd completely stolen his heart and shattered it at the same time, and if he was being honest, she still held some of the pieces. But he couldn't get them back, not if he didn't want to risk shattering her own heart in the process.
It felt like they were tied together by some strong, invisible force that wouldn't break unless both of them broke right along with it.
So... maybe he could afford to leave those pieces of his heart with her. He'd have to if they were going to get out of this alive. Not unscathed, sure, but alive nonetheless.
Once he was sure she was deep in sleep, Spencer quietly and carefully got off the bed and navigated through her apartment, getting her a glass of water and leaving it on the table next to her bed. And because he couldn't help it, he cleaned up some of the clothes that were scattered around her floor, depositing them into the hamper and straightening out a few more things that were out of place.
He looked over at her sleeping figure one more time, sighed, and then left, keeping her bedroom door open just a crack.
***
Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer.
Despite his better judgement, he'd plopped himself down on her couch after making sure she was sound asleep, hoping to catch his breath and sort through what he was feeling before he got behind the wheel. But of course, it was 2am and he was exhausted, and he couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes and drifting off.
And now he was sitting up, looking around the apartment through the lens of morning.
Though the curtains were sheer, they didn't provide much light, but enough of it showed him just how familiar the space was. Y/N hadn't moved anything around. The same art was on the same walls, the potted ivy plant on her mantle sat un-watered and withering, and every book and record and DVD on her shelves was in the exact same spot as they'd all been the last time he was there in December.
Meanwhile, after the breakup he'd re-arranged everything. He was so sure that they were through for good this time around that he wanted a clean slate. Not that he wanted to rid himself of her memory completely, but if he was going to move on from the hold she'd had on him, he had to do something...
And yet, he ended up at her apartment the morning after Valentine's Day all the same.
He heard the shower running faintly a couple rooms away. You didn't have to pass the couch to get there, so maybe she hadn't seen him sleeping and he could get away cleanly.
Spencer scrambled off the couch, thankful that he hadn't removed his jacket or his shoes and that he could just sprint towards the door without having to find any of his belongings.
But as luck would have it, the second he took a step, the shower turned off. He had to get out of there quickly, but if he did then she'd definitely know he'd stayed overnight. But if he went quietly, he wouldn't have enough time before she caught him.
Maybe I could hide...
He shook the thought with a roll of his eyes, settling on the clearest course of action, which was to make as quick of a getaway as he could. He'd try to be quiet as well, though the creaky door was going to be nearly impossible to get through without a sound.
His hand was on the doorknob when he heard her voice.
"You didn't think you could spend the night and then leave without saying goodbye, did 'ja?"
The pure amusement in her tone made his stomach churn, and it wasn't unpleasant in the slightest.
Spencer turned and smiled softly, avoiding looking at her completely. "Sorry. Didn't want to bother you."
"You're never a bother."
That sentiment held less amusement and more sincerity, which was what guided his eyes to meet the woman who said the words.
His stomach twisted again when he saw her, exactly like he knew she'd beâ wrapped in nothing but a thin towel with near-dripping hair cascading down her back. Her legs were bare and exposed, the towel not only thin but short, which meant that her chest was also practically spilling out of it. Despite the obvious and inevitable hungover look in her eye, there was also a good splash of that mischief that'd always been thereâ the kind that spelled out trouble.
He needed to get out of there.
"Well, um... I'm glad I got you home safe," he said, clearing his throat. "I should... I should go."
"You sure you don't wanna stay for breakfast?"
Spencer could have sworn she was teasing him, dangling her body in front of him like a meal they both knew he wouldn't be able to resist. But then she added, "I've got everything I need for your favorite omelet," and he exhaled with a small smile, exhausted with his own mind for convincing him that she was out to pull him back in.
Still, he declined. "No, I... I shouldn't. But, uh, thank you..."
"You sure?"
This time when he looked up at her, she was closer. She was gently striding forward to meet him, and he half thought about backing up towards the door until he realized he was already there.
"IâI'm sure. Really."
"But you drove around all night just to take me home when I was drunk, the least I can do is feed you..."
"Eh, it's alright. It's... Nothing I haven't done before."
She stopped then, her eyes briefly dropping to the floor. It was like her whole demeanor changedâjust for a secondâfrom the prowess she'd always been, to what seemed to be a woman filled with sadness and regret. It didn't last long though, just enough for Spencer to notice it before she looked back up at him with that wicked gleam in her eye and a remark right at the tip of her tongue.
"Still. I feel bad, making you do all that for me... Especially now."
He wasn't sure what to make of this... It seemed like she was sincere, but she was also alluring, calling to him like a siren leading him to his ultimate demise. And while he'd come to know that as merely a part of her nature, he couldn't help but shake the feeling that she was doing it on purpose.
She was in a skimpy towel, after all, and she definitely knew how to use that to her advantage.
It didn't help that he didn't have the courage to leave. Everything inside of him right then longed to drop that towel and indulge himself once more. Putting aside all the heartache and the differences they shared, all he felt in that moment was the need to touch herâ to get lost in her and never be found again.
She was his fatal flaw, and it was painfully obvious.
Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer...
He was over to her in just three strides, throwing off his jacket and tossing it aside before cradling her face with his hands and bringing their lips together for the first time since Christmas Eve.
The small whine in her throat signaled that she hadn't expected it, but welcomed it all the same. The moment she lifted her arms to wrap around his neck, the towel fell to the floor, and there was no going back.
"What about breakfast?" Y/N breathed out once they pulled away for air.
Spencer contemplated, studying her face, seeing the way her eyes sparkled, and decided on the two words that sealed his fate.
"Screw breakfast."
Their lips were melded together almost as soon as the words left his mouth. And it wasn't long before every other part of their bodies were melded together as well.
Y/N helped him take the rest of his clothes off as they danced around the entryway and the living room. Everything was open, no walls separating the living room from the kitchen, so to compensate for the lack of breakfast they'd be eating, they migrated to the kitchen counter once Spencer had off everything but his boxers.
He trapped her against the cool marble of the countertop, her back hitting it solid and sending a shiver up her spine. Meanwhile his hands roamed her body, unsure of where to be other than on her at all times, whether it be her waist, her stomach, her arms, her breasts, or her ass. He wanted to feel all of her, and quite frankly she wanted the same.
She even told him so, in her own way, by bringing one of her legs up and wrapping it around his waist, pulling him closer to her as she wove her fingers through his hair and tasted his tongue with her own.
The action elicited a groan from his mouth, low and desperate. Spencer settled his hands on her waist and gripped it tight, silently telling her what to do.
So she jumped up and he helped guide her swiftly onto the counter. Her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist again, and he found himself grinding into her hips, urgent to feel every part of her. And thankfully she was feeling rather desperate herself, because she rolled her hips up into him in return, breaking their mouths apart just briefly to speak.
"Fuck me..."
There was so much he wanted to say to her in that momentâ how badly he was feeling about keeping her entertained while he was slowly deteriorating inside from her emotional detachment and rejection, how much she frustrated him, and more prominently, how she was so goddamn impatient and that he was getting there...
But all that he could manage was a broken, desperate whisper of her name.
It was all he'd ever known.
All that frustration... All that anger, heartache, passion, and time apart combined beautifully into those few syllables that made up her name and tore him apart from the inside out.
And his hands were just as destructive.
Spencer deftly dropped his boxers to the ground and pushed forward, almost losing all sense of self the moment the head of his dick finally made contact with her cunt. He made his way inside of her and then used both of his hands to grip her waist and bring her closer, their mouths connecting harshly as they found one another once again.
His grip was bruisingâ not possessive in any way, but desperate, like he had to cling to her for dear life or he wouldn't live to see another day. He held himself inside her, sighing and whimpering into her mouth as she clenched around him. It was so familiar, so comfortable and exhilarating that he almost didn't even want to move. He thought about staying there, still inside her forever.
But as always, Y/N was insatiable.
She wrapped all her limbs around him and held on, rolling her hips and seeking friction in any way possible when she briefly tore her lips away from his.
"I need you, baby, please..."
Even as his heart started to rumble in his chest, well aware of the fact that she still probably didn't love him the way he loved her, Spencer gave her everything. He pulled out and snapped his hips forward again, setting a strong, steady pace that had Y/N's eyes rolling back, and the payoff of hearing her sigh out his name was more than enough to keep him going.
Her nails dug deliciously into his shoulders, the faint sting adding something reminiscent of gasoline to a fire. The flames grew taller and brighter the more he fucked her, and with each gradual increase of volume and intensity, it was a wonder the whole kitchen around them hadn't literally burst into flames.
That's how they always were.
Together like this, so lost in the high of each others' bodies, it was easy to forget the things that made their relationship so hard. It was easy to let all the negativity slip away into the throes of pent-up, well-needed sex. The high they gave each other was merely thatâ A high...
A distraction.
And while that's exactly what Y/N needed, what she preferred in most cases, it's what Spencer recognized as completely unhealthy, despite his coming back to it every time.
It's also why he dreaded the moment ending. Because once they came down from the high, all that's left would be sadness, regret... Guilt... Their fire burned hot, brightly and wildly, but in the aftermath would lay only a thick layer of deadly smoke between themâ hard to navigate, and nearly impossible to breathe in without suffocating.
So they simply burned and burned and burned...
Spencer gripped her so tight he was sure to leave her with bruising. And in turn Y/N dragged her nails down his back and dug them into his ass, her palm laying firmly over the muscles that aided in fucking her into the marbled surface. She whined out curses and moans, and he cried out broken whispers of her name, pet names, and curses alike.
Even once she'd come, he kept going, willing himself to hold on as long as he could. She whined into his ear at the overstimulation. And rather than keeping her legs wrapped around his body, she decided to spread them wide, perching her heels up on the counter as far as she could go and anchoring her fingers through his hair.
And though she might not have had enough orgasms in her to keep up with him, she welcomed it all the sameâShe welcomed the burn just as much as he did.
Even still, no fire can burn forever.
All concept of time was lost by the time Spencer finally collapsed forward, completely spent and barely standing on weak legs after coming twice. Y/N held onto him tightly to keep him upwards, lightly massaging his scalp with gentle fingers and closing her eyes as she focused on his breathingâ the way it fanned over the skin of her bare shoulder and how it sounded, perfectly in time with hers...
It was the most peaceful she'd been in a long time.
She felt him pull out of her, the both of them groaning at the feeling, and a little at the mess it would make.
Spencer gently peeled his body off of hers, sniffing once and avoiding her eyes. "Sorry... You just got out of the shower..."
"It's fine," Y/N breathed. She begged him silently to look her in the eye, but he remained still... Most likely thinking. She could practically see the cogs turning in his brain.
So, in an effort to lighten the mood a bit, she added with a breathy laugh, "Besides... It's nothing I haven't done before."
The callback to his wordsâand memories of all the times they'd found themselves in this position beforeâgot Spencer to laugh a little, but he still wouldn't meet her eyes.
Finally, he cleared his throat. "I'll... I'll grab the wipes?"
"Oh. Sure," Y/N returned with a thankful smile. It was hopeful, too, though the moment he was out of eyesight, it turned rather sad.
She'd known that behavior before, seen that hesitation in his movements and that sound in his voice.
It was guilt.
Regret.
Probably a bit of self-hatred, too.
When he returned, a pile of her clothes in hand and the bag of wipes on top, she took them from him with a kind smile and cleaned herself up while he put his clothes back on.
The silence was more uncomfortable than anything either of them had ever experienced.
So much so, that Y/N couldn't even muster up the courage to ask him to stay for breakfastâ and she always did after one of their post-break hookups.
Maybe this time really was different.
Spencer was just at the door again when she stopped him.
"Thank you," she said. Her voice was so small, he almost didn't hear it. "For bringing me home..."
But he paused, turned, and finally looked her in the eye.
He almost sunk to his knees right there...
Seeing her, arms crossed like she was trying to keep warm, as her head hung low and she looked up at him through sad, hooded eyelids...
It reminded him of the woman he fell in love with.
But in his peripheral, he saw the towel on the floor and was reminded of the woman who'd shattered his heart.
Spencer cleared his throat. Once upon a time he might have returned her thanks with, Anytime, but... Honestly he wasn't sure there could ever be another time. For his sanity, he'd have to avoid 'anytime' at all costs.
So, he settled on, "You're welcome."
He was glad to see her return his kind smile with one of her own, even if it was tainted with sadness, and a small wave goodbye.
Maybe this time it would stick.
Even still, as he closed the door behind him and made his way to the parking lot, for some reason it didn't quite feel like goodbye.
And some of that deadly smoke that settled in his lungs as he drove further and further away from her apartment was inclined to agree.
***
Neither of them could sleep that night.
While Spencer stared out the window of the jet, a little annoyed to be called out on a case so late but at least thankful for the distraction, Y/N laid in bed, staring at the stars on her ceiling.
The same constellation caught their eye.
Columba.
The Dove.
She hadn't even meant to arrange the stars like that, but one night after a date, they were laying in her bed and Spencer pointed out that the cluster of plastic stars right in the corner of the ceiling looked like Columba.
Y/N fondly remembered Spencer telling her about how it was originally named to represent Noah's dove, which searched for dry land during the great biblical flood and returned carrying an olive branch to make news of its recessionâ of peace at last.
The memory made her smile. It tugged at her heart and made her dreams of him even more vivid.
All the same, Spencer noticed the constellation outside the jet window and remembered that same night. The smile on her face as he told her the story, the feel of her fingers gliding softly over the bare skin of his forearm...
It was the first night since he'd met her that he thought it.
I love her...
He almost told her then, too, but he was afraid it was too soon. So he refrained.
Looking back, Spencer was starting to regret thatâ Maybe without that extra time together, breaking up would have been easier. But instead, he gave her more time. He gave himself more time to fall deeper in love with her, and in the end it still wasn't enough.
Now they were both looking at the same constellation, one made of plastic and the other of gas, wondering if their flood would ever recede.
And in the event that it did... Who would be the dove, and what would be their olive branch?
âYou know I dream about getting back together in the future, I could focus on you. But if I leave right now, I hope that you donât find someone that touches you the way that I do...â
***
SERIES TAGLIST:Â Â @reidyoulikeabookâ @yourmisosoupâ @fortheloveofcriminalmindsâ @bellzo17â @altsvuâ @flipperpenguinsâ @mcumorningstarâ
TAGS NOT WORKING: @reid-to-me @totallyclearwitch
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid#spencer reid x reader smut#spencer reid smut#spencer reid angst#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds angst#losing you twice
198 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Explaining songs from my Wilmon playlist
(Inspired by @zee-has-commitment-issues and @missmeganlee 's posts)
So there are few songs in my Wilmon playlist which I love so much and they fit so well that they make me go crazy every time I listen to that playlist so yeah. Gonna ramble about more of them but this post will be mentioning 4 songs. Do tell me if you think these songs fit or not!
1) 3am by Halsey
This song is literally Wille high out of his mind at the football field. It encapsulates his loneliness and his desperation so well.
"Darling, I've just left the bar
And I've misplaced all my credit cards
My self-preservation and all of my reservations
Are sittin' and contemplating what to do with me, do with me."
And
"Think I took it way too far
My insecurities are hurtin' me
I'm the worst of my enemies
I really need a mirror that'll come along and tell me that I'm fine."
And this is probably my favorite line from the whole song:
"Know that my identity's always getting the best of me,
And I don't really know what to do with me. "
2) Fallin' All In You by Shawn Mendes
This is the morning after song for me because I always listen to it while imagining the morning after scene. It just perfectly captures the happiness and giddiness of that scene.
"Sunrise with you on my chest No blinds in the place where I live (okay this makes me laugh ngl) Daybreak, open your eyes 'Cause this was only ever meant to be for one night Still, we're changing our minds here Be yours, be my dear So close with you on my lips Touch noses, feeling your breath Push your heart and pull away, yeah Be my summer in a winter day, love I can't see one thing wrong Between the both of us Be mine, be mine, yeah Anytime, anytime."
This song is literally so sweet it hurts
"Every time I see you, baby, I get lost If I'm dreaming, baby, please don't wake me up Every night I'm with you, I fall more in love Now I'm laying by your side Everything feels right since you came along."
3) Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift
I will die on this hill- THIS IS THEIR SONG, especially the S1 arc in general. The song is about falling in love when you are at the rock bottom in your life, "life-can't-be-any-worse-but-I'm-really-falling-for-you" situation. There's this intense love, but there's also this intense, lingering pain from all the other shit happening in your life and you are afraid that this love will slip away from your hands because of the other painful events happening to you so there's this temporary feeling around the whole relationship (Wilmon, anyone?)
"I'm drunk in the back of the car And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (Oh) Said, "I'm fine," but it wasn't true I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you And I snuck in through the garden gate Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh) And I scream, "For whatever it's worth I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"
4) Nervous, Shawn Mendes
The whole song may not apply to them but this song captures Wilhelm's nervousness while being around Simon very well. We love a playful "Nervous-around-your-crush" anthem for Wilmon!
"And all you did was look my way And my heart started to race And my hands started to shake, yeah."
"I get a little bit nervous around you Get a little bit stressed out when I think about you Get a little excited Baby, when I think about you, yeah."
#Spotify#this is me basically shoving shawn's discography down everyone's throats lmao#but the songs really really fit so sorry not sorry#young royals#wilmon#wilhelm x simon#prince wilhelm#simon eriksson
17 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Karl jacobs- mr beast
wc- 2117
Warnings: none
~ Two weeks ago I randomly got a call from a man who invited me to a shoot for a video, believe me I was sceptical at first which the man seemed to understand but he provided me with all the information I could ever need and answered all of my questions so I believed him and agreed to go and now is the day of the shoot. To my knowledge there will be a few others there as well as a whole crew so if this is a bad situation at least I won't be alone.
My parents think I'm insane for going to this and they have made me promise to keep my phone on me at all times and to text them that I'm safe when I get there, it's nice that their worried but I honestly think I'll be fine. The friend that I've told seem to be thinking the exact opposite in fact they are convinced that I'm going to a mr beast shoot but I'm not too sure. They seem to think that because we live in North Carolina that this is the only possible explanation but I think that they would say that it was for mr beast so that the whole situation seemed less sketchy.
For the day of the shoot which happens to be today we were instructed to wear what we normally would but not to wear too much makeup because it doesn't look good on camera. I took this on board and wore my mom jeans with a black crop top just because it was plain and not too over the top, I don't want to stand out too much. I also barely put on any makeup I just covered the dark circles under my eyes and the few spots I had and I put on mascara so that I didn't look like I had no eyelashes.
The location I had to go to was only about 35 minutes drive from my house which was nice because I wasn't feeling a long drive today. I woke up early enough to have time to make myself breakfast and get coffee on the journey. At the local Starbucks drive through I got my usual order and talked to the girl at the window for a moment because she happens to be one of my friends sisters so we know one another.
"Isn't today the day if that mysterious video shoot your going to" she asked
"Yeah I have to be there in like 50 minutes" I said
"Well have fun meeting mr beast" she said handing me my drink
I rolled my eyes as I pulled away and started my drive. I listened to my Spotify playlist on the way just vibing to each song that played normally it plays at least one song that I'm not that into but today all of them were some of my favourite songs so I think today will turn out to be a good day.
As I arrived to the location I noticed that it was in this really random place with a bunch of big warehouses which I'm not gonna lie was a little sketchy but there seemed to be quite a few people about with cameras and other equipment so I calmed down again. I got out my car and went to the place that I was told to in the email which was relatively easy to find once I knew where the people were going and a guy led me into the middle of this warehouse with a few other people who were obviously taking part too.
Me and this one guy got talking while we waited and he seemed to know a little more than I did about what was happening so we talked about the video and this whole sort of experience. He was really cute too he had kind of long fluffy brown hair and lovely blue eyes that were and interesting shape but they really suited his face, I also noticed that he had his nails painted which made him seem even cooler much to cool for me to be talking to him. He was super nice to me and we had a good conversation until we had to start filming.
A few more people walked in with cameras following them as they talked but when they got closer I recognised the face and I couldn't believe it. My friends were right it was mr beast and his friends or at least a few of them. As they came in the guy I was talking to went over and joined them as they explained the video concept to the rest of us.
"Right for todays video we are going to get all these people to hide in pairs around these warehouses and whoever is found last wins $100,000 to share" mr beast explained
They sorted people into pairs but there was an odd number so I was left on my own.
"Slightly awkward but one person didn't turn up so Karl is going to step in and be y/n's partner for this" Chris explained
This Karl guy came over and he was the guy I talked to earlier, I got a bit embarrassed realising that I had absentmindedly been talking to this guy who's so well known as if it was nothing. The poor guy was probably so confused that I had no idea who he wasn't while at a mr best shoot hopefully I can redeem myself with this challenge.
We each took cameras to film as we found our hiding places which we had 10 minutes to go because the area we had was so big. Most people ran off to the furthest warehouses but me and Karl decided to stay a bit closer hoping that all the others would be found quickly. We went into this relatively small but tall looking warehouse which had a small upstairs bit to it where we looked for a good hiding place, there wasn't a whole load of options apart from this old wardrobe which looked like it could fit the both of us. We decided to keep looking seeing as we could always come back if we found no where else.
After checking another 2 warehouses that were almost empty we realised that our best option would be that wardrobe so we went back and squeezed ourselves in leaving one door open for now at least until we heard movement near by so that it wouldn't be quite as cramped. The both of us did fit in this wardrobe but on the inside it was smaller than it looked so we were pressed right against each other which would be awkward if you hadn't already embarrassed yourself in front of the person so I felt 10 times more awkward in this position.
We had to film ourselves which was quite hard with the darkness and the cramped space but Karl knew what he was doing so he took the camera off me and filmed the both of us explaining where we were showing just outside the wardrobe so that the viewers would know when the others were close to finding us.
Soon enough the timer went off indicating that our hiding time was up and now we really had to be careful not to make too much noise as we could've found any second I had kind of forgot about the fact that this was for a whole lot of money up until now because I was just so annoyed at myself for being such an idiot but now it felt really real and I was starting to feel quite competitive.
We waited what felt like an age before we heard any movement but when I heard the door open I almost jumped out my skin because it was so quiet up until that point. I gave Karl a look and the both of us forced ourselves further into the wardrobe and shut the door as quietly as we could making it completely pitch black.
It was a lot more squished in the wardrobe now as there was no space to move, there was no good way to stand because we had to had some part of our bodies touching or else we wouldn't fit. Karl whispered telling me to turn my phone touch on so that he could film for a second because he said that it wouldn't be seen from outside.
"We just heard the door open and there is movement downstairs so the door in now closed and its super dark without the light" Karl explained to the camera
"It's also super claustrophobic in here with the door shut" I added putting my head over his shoulder so that the camera could see me
He put the camera down and I turned off my touch and we just kind of listened and we heard the door close again or so we thought but it wasn't worth the risk so we left it a little longer before we felt safe to be a little louder but we didn't want to risk opening the door again so we stayed how we were.
It was actually a good time talking a little bit like we were before the filming started, Karl is a very sweet guy he really just wants to get to know me as a real person and not just someone helping him do his job. He seemed to really care about what I did with my life and who I am seeing as I know a bit about him and he knew that he was interested in learning about me.
Our nice conversation was soon interrupted when the door opened again and we heard voices getting closer to us. The sound of the metal stairs that lead to where we are could be heard which meant that they were close. There was a panicked feeling between the two of us and Karl pulled me closer to him just incase they opened one door they might not be able to see us.
"They could be in the wardrobe there" I heard a muffled voice say
Mine and Karl's breathing slowed down so that they couldn't hear any noise at all and if they did well they have great hearing. It was at this point that I realised Karl had his arm around my waist holding my back to his chest which was making me blush but it was dark so no one could see. The door opened on the other side and a camera was pointed in.
"There no one in this side do you really think they would both fit on the other side?" Someone asked
"I don't think so honestly but we really should check" another said
I knew it was over from that point and I was right the second door opened and cameras went straight into my face, Karl also let go of my waist at this point not wanting that to be on camera. Karl got out the wardrobe and offered his hand to help me out.
"Congratulations you guys have won" mr beast said
"It took us forever to find you so well done" Chris said
"Oh my this is amazing thank you" I said feeling quite overwhelmed
Obviously the prize for winning was $50,000 each which was absolutely amazing and just so life changing like there is so many things I could do with that amount of money but I have no idea what that will be yet.
"You have won $50,000 congra" mr beast started
"Wait I want y/n to have my share I don't need it" Karl interrupted
"Karl there is no need for you to do that I'm more than ok with $50,000" I said
"You are taking the money please it would make me happy" he said
I accepted the fact that Karl was never going to give in so now I'm $100,000 richer which is insane no one is going to believe me until this video comes out. My parents are going to think I've committed a crime of some form which isn't good but they will have to believe me eventually so it's fine.
The shoot wrapped up and I was heading to my car to go back home when Karl came running over and gave me his phone number saying he wanted to hang out sometime. What has my life become? I started the day thinking that I could be in danger and have ended it with $100,000 and the phone number of one of the people that works for a huge YouTube channel, it's almost like a dream.
93 notes
¡
View notes
Text
But you like her better: Part 2
Sorry it's been a minute! I hope you like it.
Cw: Some brief ableism, mentions of internalized biphobia, and self injurious stimming.
2013
It was raining when 16 year old MarĂa Machado Sotomayor first met Kit Herondale.
MarĂ had always loved the sound of the rain. It was peaceful and rhythmic, creating a nice tingly feeling in her skull running straight down her spine. It also good for the plants. Which meant that MarĂ arrived (on time for once) at her favorite class in a pretty good mood.
Marine biology was their one of their three special interests, the other two being lacrosse and Base guitar. So Bio was usually pretty fun for them. However this time was different.
Her mood was instantly dampened when she walked into class and saw someone new sitting in her usually seat. A blond, short and white kid who looked far too pretty for his own good. A new kid most likely.
A new kid who didn't realize that Marà always sat by the window every single day. It was their spot. Still Marà was determined not to overreact. They marched over to the new kid and approached him with their best masking smile.
Remember eye contact. She told herself. Keep your tone light and breezy but not too lifeless. Smile. Appear friendly and non threatening. Try not to sweat. Try not to scream.
"Hi excuse me," MarĂ began in a sickly sweet tone. "That's actually my seat! Sorry!"
The boy instantly looked embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh I'm sorry!" He blushed. "I didn't realize there was assigned seating." He had an American accent, California maybe?
Wonderful. A white American boy. Just what they needed.
MarĂ chewed their lip and fought the urge to rock or tap. "There isn't actually," they admitted. "I just usually sit there. So can you please move?"
Now the new kid looked a little offended. A cold look settled over his face. "Well why should I?" He bristled. "This seat isn't really yours. It's not like it has your name on it."
MarĂ rolled her eyes in frustration. "I tried that already but then I got in trouble."
He stared at them curiously for a moment. MarĂ took the opportunity to break eye contact finally and scuff their heel against the floor. They were wearing the new black suede chunky heels with the gem stones that MarĂ had gotten when they went thrifting with their friends.
"MarĂa!" The harsh voice of her teacher snapped her back into reality. Everyone had arrived and taken their seats while she was arguing with the American and now everyone was staring at her. "Could you please explain why you are not seated young lady?" She snapped in her extra pretentious sounding posh English accent.
The one that said, "I'm better than you."
MarĂ tried not to growl at being called a young lady. They weren't feeling particularly female today. Not that MarĂ was going to bother explaining that to some old British hag.
"He won't get out of my seat!" MarĂ protested. Instantly laughter broke out around the classroom. Cruel mocking laughter that made MarĂ feel like her skin was crawling.
"It's ok!" The new kid cried out, practically jumping out of MarĂ's seat. "I'll move! I'll go sit over here." He grabbed his bag and moved to the back of the room as quickly as possible.
MarĂ smiled in spite of themself. His random act of kindness was surprising, but they were grateful. They took their seat near the window and sighed in relief.
MarĂ would always look back on that day with fondness no matter what. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it meant the world to her. After Bio class she had asked Kit to come eat with her and her friends. They had made their introductions and the rest was history.
They became close friends very quickly, bonding over movies and music. They sent each other playlists of their favorite songs and songs that reminded them of each other. MarĂ made Kit a queer playlist with songs by queer artists and told Kit that they were bisexual and a demigirl. They hadn't even told their friends that last part yet at that point.
MarĂ also told Kit that they liked to use she/they pronouns, but so far was only using them online. Kit asked MarĂ a lot of questions then confessed to MarĂ that he was also bisexual but he was still kinda getting used to it.
"I grew up in a shitty situation," Kit had told them. "I guess I still have a lot of shame."
MarĂ didn't hold it against him. She bought him queer literature and resources for queer history including "Bisexuality and Queer Theory" and her printed copy of the article published in the 90s called "The Bisexual Manifesto." She gave him advice on websites and people to follow online.
They also just talked. Talked about life and their experiences. Their feelings and their relationships with their sexualities. Bonding with another queer person was always special but spending time with Kit always made MarĂ feel so...light.
Despite how close they were getting, MarĂ didn't always want to touch him. They were touch averse in most cases unless they were very comfortable with someone. Sometimes it just depended on the day. On the days where MarĂ found they could not hug Kit they had invented their own way to show affection.
They would place a hand over their hearts and tap it, as if to say "I care about you" or "I love you." Sometimes Kit would say "tap my heart" as a substitute for actually doing it.
He introduced her to his close friend Janessa, the wayward vampire who was incredibly hot and kind of made MarĂ all nervous and tounge twisty at first. But as they got to know her, MarĂ realized that she was also incredibly kind, passionate and clearly cared at great deal about Kit. Janessa was a gamer who had named herself after a video game character. She drank cups of warm blood in novelty mugs with giant swirly sparkly straws and was pretty good at making people laugh.
Janessa, or Nessie as Kit had affectionately nicknamed her, was flirtatious and charismatic, but also brutal and deadly in a fight. She was full of surprises. And maybe, just maybe MarĂŹ was a little bit into that.
However as much as MarĂ didn't want to admit it, they were also were starting to realize that they were way more into someone else. Someone with perfect golden curls that MarĂ wanted to curl their fingers into.
Eventually Kit came out to MarĂ as genderfluid and requested that she use alternating he/they pronouns for them. They both made the decision to collectively tell their friends their pronouns. MarĂ, Kit and Nessie sat around her gorgeous leather couch and talked for hours about gender, identity and transness. Kit pointed put that they may never be able to fully explain their gender to the other two, just like Kit might have a hard time fully understanding Janessa's relationship with gender, or MarĂ's because everyone was different.
"It's personal Nessie," he had said. "Everyone has their own unique perspective on gender and every trans person has their own complicated feelings about gender and what their own gender identity means to them, and those feelings might not completely match up with another trans person's. But that's ok. You don't have to understand the other person but you do have to respect them."
Janessa's understanding of gender came from being a trans women. It was about a strict binary with clear lines and rules. Rules that Kit was starting to make a habit of fingerpainting all over and Marà could tell that it was stressing her out.
And MarĂ had no idea where the hell they fit in these rules. They had stopped playing the game.
But those two loved each other more than anything, and MarĂ knew they could work anything out. And sure enough approximately seven hours and four margaritas later (only two for MarĂ,) they had come to an understanding.
2014
She kissed Kit for the first time a month into the new year.
They had been trying on clothes in MarĂ's room and Kit was wearing one of their old dresses that MarĂ thought they looked amazing in, but Kit wanted to give it away. It was dark navy blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps, coming to about mid thigh. There were cut outs on the sides, filled in with black sheer fabric, and it had a low v cut at the neckline which was also filled in with black sheer.
Kit had been infodumping about one of the Marvel movies again, MarĂ couldn't remember which one, and she had kept getting distracted by his tan smooth skin peaking through the sheer fabric and fullness of Kit's moving lips. He smiled excitedly and MarĂ had stepped forward and kissed him.
Their first thought was that Kit tasted like chocolate. Their second was that they should have done this months ago.
Kit had melted into the kiss, smiling slightly against her mouth and pulling her closer. They kissed her feverishly, sliding their tounge inside MarĂ's mouth and moaning when she deepened the kiss eagerly. They moved against each other with almost lazy, comfortable precision, kissing each other for what could have been hours or days or maybe only seconds.
MarĂ couldn't have said.
When Kit finally broke the kiss and pulled away from MarĂ, his eyes were practically gleaming with joy and love. And that was when they knew.
I love him.
2015
I love him.
Ty's words ran in her ears. Repeating over and over again, maddenly bouncing around inside of her skull until she was forced to utter out loud,
"I love him".
They whispered it under their breath but MarĂ could tell that both Alyssa and Ty had heard them. It was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop.
But of course. Of course he does. It was obvious. This whole time MarĂ had noticed there was something wrong with Ty. Just like there was something wrong with Kit. The way they stared after each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. The loving and worshipful glances mixed with the bitter glares.
MarĂ had already known that Kit was in love with Ty of course. But the way they had told the story made it seem like they were positive that Ty couldn't be in love with them.
But then again maybe that made sense. Given Kit's history and who he was. But then MarĂ couldn't help but think of Ty and how confused he must have been. God it was a giant mess.
Speaking of...
The room was still silent. MarĂ found that she couldn't read Ty's expression as he stared back at her flatly. But his body was shaking, his fingers fluttered at his sides. She wanted to soothe him.
They stepped forward carefully. "I'm not mad at you," MarĂ assured him. "I was hoping we could talk?"
Ty's left eye twitched. "We are talking," he pointed out. Alyssa snorted.
"Ty, they mean about the proverbial bomb you just dropped a few seconds ago," Alyssa said with a laugh. Marà smirked to themself slightly.
It wasn't really a bomb. More like a flare.
She really needed to talk to Ty. The only problem was Alyssa had an annoying tendency to never leave his side. It wasn't like she had a problem with the girl. Of course not. But her presence meant that MarĂ hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Ty one on one.
They cleared their throat. "Alyssa could you please give Ty and I some space to talk?" They asked. MarĂ hoped they didn't sound too rude. Alyssa looked to Ty and he nodded slightly, signaling that he was ok with her leaving.
That was so strange to MarĂ. Their relationship. The way Alyssa, a werewolf who hated shadowhunters even more then MarĂ did, essentially took orders from him and clearly trusted him more than anyone else. But perhaps she wasn't one to judge.
After all, she loved Kit.
Alyssa left the room with a pat on Ty's back and a quick, "call if you need me." MarĂ shifted their weight back and forth as they rocked slightly from side to side as they waited for Ty to speak.
He stared back at her silently, most likely doing the same. MarĂ blew out a loud breath and forced herself to stay still, crossing her arms.
"Are you going to say something or should I?" Ty asked expectantly. MarĂ bit their lip and shrugged.
"I'm still thinking of what I wanna say," she admitted.
Ty smiled at her softly. "So am I."
There we go. Cracks in the armour.
"I'm sorry," Ty whispered suddenly. "I never meant to-"
"You don't have to apologize!" MarĂ blurted out. Whoops they had interrupted him. "Oh shit sorry you were still talking!" They reached for their hair nervously and realized that they were wearing that Morticia wig for their costume.
Great. MarĂ moved on to chewing on her knuckles.
"It's ok," Ty reassured her. "I don't really know where I was going with that sentence. And you shouldn't do that." He pointed to her hand.
MarĂ scoffed, "yeah well you shouldn't dig your nails into your palms." He glared at them and they laughed.
"Not so fun playing a game of Mirror Image is it?" They teased. Ty didn't respond, just stared at MarĂ solemnly.
"You know I really admire you," he said, aiming his gaze close enough to hers to create the illusion of eye contact. "I always have. I never wanted to hurt or upset you."
MarĂ wished for a brief moment that they could touch him and then shrugged the impulse off. "I know love," they cooed. "Me too."
Without really understanding why, she pressed her hand to her chest directly above her heart and tapped, just like how she did with Kit. Ty studied MarĂ for a moment and then followed suite.
MarĂ in spite of themself, actually felt bad for him. They could clearly see the toll the last three years had taken on him, specifically the last few weeks. Maybe his family couldn't see it, and they definitely knew that Kit couldn't, but MarĂ could.
MarĂ of all people could see past the mask because they knew what masking looked like. It wasn't just about appearing normal, whatever that word meant. It was about hiding your feelings. Taking that heart you wore on your sleeve and locking it up tight. But everytime MarĂ looked at Ty, they could see it. And it was bleeding.
Ripped and bloody and broken, just like her own and yet they both still had the sheer audacity to keep breathing. MarĂ was proud of them both.
"You need to talk to him," MarĂ prompted. "You both need to be honest with each other."
Ty furrowed his brow. "Honest? About what? He doesn't feel the same way." He had gone back to flicking his fingers as he stared at her, looking puzzled.
Bloody hell between the two of them, Kit and Ty were giving MarĂ the mother of all headaches.
They took a deep breath. "Yes they do Ty," MarĂ tried not to sound exasperated. "Kit is in love with you, believe me. They told me."
It hurt MarĂ's heart to have to say it, but it was true and Ty deserved to know the truth. And they knew deep down that Kit wouldn't really be happy, he wouldn't be Kit until he had Ty. And MarĂ had to make their peace with that.
Ty looked understandably confused. He ran a frantic hand through his hair. "But why are you telling me this? Why are you helping me?" He asked. "Don't you love them?"
She fought the urge to cry as tears gathered in her eyes. She found herself digging her nails into her palms despite chastising Ty for doing it a few minutes ago.
"I'm telling you all of this because I love them" she cried desperately. "Because Kit cries out your name in his sleep Ty! Because everytime he sees you, he stares at you like you are the moon the sun and the stars! Because everytime you speak they hang onto absolutely every word, and when you laugh-" MarĂ cut herself off.
They squeezed their eyes shut and took deep long breaths. Ty said nothing. MarĂ opened their eyes to see Ty staring at them in dismay. He looked like he was trying to think of what to say to help.
MarĂ shook their head. "I know Kit loves me. And they probably always will. We were close friends even before we started dating." MarĂ groaned and shook out their entire body this time, jumping up and down a few times as well to get rid of the tension. If Ty thought this was weird he didn't comment on it.
MarĂ wiped her eyes carefully trying not to smudge her mascara. "But you Ty?" His eyes refocused on her again at the sound of his name. MarĂ chuckled humourlessly. "Fucking hell, he is in love with you. And right now he is thinking that you hate him and I know it's tearing him up inside."
Ty stared at MarĂ hopelessly, looking overwhelmed and exhausted. "So what do I do then? What am I supposed to say?"
MarĂ shrugged. "I can't help you with that I'm sorry. It has to come from you." Ty looked even more panicked.
They gave him what they hoped was an encouraging smile. "Don't be scared Ty," they murmered. "It's Kit remember. They're not scary. You have nothing to worry about."
Ty didn't answer her. He had wrapped his arms around his body, squeezing tightly. "MarĂ do you remember those dead moon jellyfish we buried on the beach?" He asked.
She was a little confused as to why he was bringing this up now. "Yeah? Why?"
"That's what I feel like right now," Ty admitted. "Like I've washed up on the beach and now I'm just waiting for someone to come along and step on me."
MarĂ's heart sank. "Oh Ty," they breathed. "I promise that won't happen with Kit. I can't make any promises for anyone else, but I do know that Kit has absolutely no intention of hurting you again love."
Ty looked pensive. MarĂ could only hope that Ty would make the decision to trust them.
With a sudden jolt MarĂ remembered the party.
"Hey we still have the Halloween party to go to," she said, shaking Ty out of his stupor. "Do you still wanna go?"
To their surprise, Ty nodded. "Sure. I think Alyssa might kill me if I back out now."
MarĂ snorted. Alyssa Reyes could be pretty terrifying at times.
With surprise MarĂ found that their spirts were lighter having cleared the air with Ty and with the prospect of a party being renewed.
She smiled. "All right then let's head out!" MarĂ smoothed down the long black wig over her shoulders and quickly smoothed out the long skirt of her black slinky dress before turning and exiting the training room.
She knew that she would have to talk to Kit at some point and that conversation would be brutal. But at least they could have one last night together.
It's better this way. Marà told themself as they walked back towards the main living room where everyone was gathered. At least now Kit can be happy.
It's for the best.
It has to be.
So I'm actually planning on writing a part 3 from Kit's pov because the drama isn't over yet! đ
Tag list: lmk if you wanna be added/removed.
@playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies  @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @the-blackdale @adoravel-fenomeno @the-wckd-powers
#tsc#twp#kit x ty#marĂ the werewolf#the wicked powers#marĂa machado sotomayor#we stan autistic bonding#we stan queer bonding
57 notes
¡
View notes
Note
hi! I was hoping you could do a Bakugo, Midoriya, Todoroki and Kirishima (separate) with an s/o that has Tourettes, preferably they/them pronouns please. I hope you're having a good day <3
Of course! I was gonna take a break in the middle of my (unspoken) break aka me being lazy, but this request was so nice I- I had to đâđž it was definitely the heart. It got me.
MHA BOYS WITH AN S/O THAT HAS TOURETTES
TW FOR ODD LOOKS AND STARES/BULLYING(ISH)
BAKUGO
Bakugo wasnât really sure when he first met you about why your head was twitching or why you were repeating the sentences Aizawa had said sometimes, as he didnât know you had tourettes. He never even spoke to you like the others did so you never had the chance to tell him until Kirishima did.
When you two started dating he started seeing patterns of when you would get to stressed and start jerking or spouting out random things you heard from youtube videos, he did his best to make sure you knew he was there for reassurance, whether it was a hand on your hand or just pure presence.
There were times when you would have ticcing fits and he would have to sit and rub your back and watch you, and in those times you realized he really was there for you.
He likes to do this thing where he rants on about things he doesnât like to try and distract you- Iâm not sure how he has so much he doesnât like but every time itâs a new odd topic....sometimes it can literally be something like how he hates trees because when itâs fall he has to rake up the leaves and you have to say
âBakugo they literally help you not die.â It really is a mystery sometimes how heâs so smart.
Sometimes you can be a bit upset with your tics. Itâs not that youâre insecure or that youâre ashamed, but theyâre difficult to deal with. The control that you could have isnât there and thatâs stressful in and of itself, and in those moments Bakugo realizes the best thing he can do for you - is make you understand that you are just like the rest of the class and the rest of the people in the world.
âListen it doesnât matter if youâre different because to me youâre still cool, youâre still funny, youâre still incredibly sarcastic and while I donât enjoy that for the most part- youâre my extra regardless of whatever you feel. Get that bull out of your head.â
I mean, he wouldnât date anybody less than the best.
MIDORIYA
Midoriya is the predictable character in the relationship. He researched about Tourettes and what he could do in times when you needed him, I mean heâs not perfect but heâd rather know something rather than nothing.
You tended to be the one who was more of a risk taker, and sometimes your tourettes got in the way of that- which could frustrate you to no end then causing harsher tics like hitting or yelling, and those were the times Midoriya tried to get anything too dangerous either out of your hands- or just out of the way so you didnât get hurt, he was smart with it.
Other times he could be too much for you, almost treating you like a kid so you had to remind him that you know and understand precautions, but that you also want to live like everybody else and that is nothing short of your business.
Youâre favorite activity with him was when he would help you study because he made it so fun for you. It could be hard to pay attention in class sometimes and do your work after school so Izuku would come over and assist you. He would make sure you guys took breaks and that you understood the topic at your own pace.
âIzuku can you like- give an example?â
âWell itâs just kind of- wait what is an example-â
In many situations Midoriya LOVED holding your hand, like he did it at any time, any place. It was something he thought wasnât too much in public and it was reassuring for you both. When youâre tics got too much you could squeeze his hand, and other times when he wouls get anxious or something would happen he would squeeze yours. It was cute and handy!
There were instances when Midoriya definitely had his mistakes with your tics and how to deal with them but he was willing to take his time and learn because who would he be without his perfect person stayinâ by his side?
KIRISHIMA
Kirishima is probably the most sympathetic with your tics because he stay prepared for them. Itâs never been like âKirishima can youâ but itâs always been more like âKiri how do you always knowâ and thereâs never been an answer that he gave other than âI gotta stay ready for my lovely lover~â
Kirishima likes to do this thing where he goes âneckâ after you have a rough day with your tics and with massage your neck for you or your back, depending on how your tics were. He likes takinâ care of you, and itâs not like he doesnât know you canât take care of yourself because hey, you didnât get into 1-A by being a pushover.
Sometimes youâve had times when people in school just arenât all that accepting and Kirishima will clap back unprovoked.
âSometimes I think about how sad you have to be to make fun of them and dang man, you got a therapist?â
Other times youâll basically respond for him, like I said, you can DEFINITELY take care of yourself.
Whenever youâre in the car or on the bus on a trip in the case that youâve gotten real excited (which is natural being around your boyfriends and your friends at the same time) heâll play this playlist he made of your favorite songs and sing to distract you. Does he sing well? That wasnât the question- but he does sing, only for you though because the other students keep dissing him.
He has a reflex of rubbing your back during free period or at lunch. I donât think this is relevant but itâs something super adorable, and sometimes he just gives you his hand to look at and play with when you have anxiety as well to keep you calm.
Also irrelevant but other times heâll facetime you before you guys go somewhere and ask what to wear because he wants to match with you, and itâs so cute because you could lie so hard and heâd believe everything you say.
You two are kinda a power couple like- you both can hold your own but also are such nice people, good job makinâ the rest of 1-A feel lonely guys.
TODOROKI
Todoroki is a simple guy. He doesnât want to overcomplicate things for the most part because âwhy would I act like your guardian, if Iâm literally your boyfriendâ and thatâs that.
He tends to try and keep you calm, as itâs something pretty simple for him, he knows a bunch of tactics for distractions or when those are obsolete, heâll just sit there with you, and maybe rub your back or get a water bottle for when itâs done, he just never wants to do too much because he knows your capabilities, and he knows your limits.
He is also a large hand holder. Mostly because he doesnât like the idea of PDA for the most part, and he doesnât like leaving your side either, because youâre very comforting to him. Itâs a given we all know he needs love and comfort please.
There have been times when people look at your because of your tics in public and Todoroki has had to give a little glare back because of the disrespect being blatantly put out. In rarer times you will both glare at the same time, those are the coolest moments of you as a couple.
Shoto doesnât really care much for your tics only because heâd rather just make sure youâre ok then watch Avengers rather than treat you like a child if anything, and thatâs because you told him first that you wanted a boyfriend not a babysitter (speakinâ facts) and at first he didnât understand and he thought you didnât want his help but soon understood otherwise.
Some cute things I like to think of are that he likes to put on your favorite songs when youâre anxious and try to dance for you. Itâs not good- letâs start with that, because heâs kinda...stiff, but the attempt is absolutely adorable (and oh so funny).
Other things are he likes to call you cheesy nicknames when youâre cuddling because he likes your reactions everytime, because according to him, yeah he said it himself, you are very adorable when annoyed. Donât @ me!
Overall he just loves spending time with you whenever he can, youâre truly a safe-haven for him.
EL FIN
-
Alright tourettes is a real thing yâall, so I didnt make this rainbows n cupcakes bc im sure thatâs not always how it is.
If anything in this is offensive or too much for somebody I can take it down and re-do it! Iâm not too sure how it is bc it feels kinda repetitive but weâll see I guess, and thanks to the person who requested my day was fine thanks đŠâđž.
I also included some things I like to do (play with hands and listen to music) because i have anxiety and I known that can worsen tics and can also come with tics (a lot of ppl with tics have adhd, anxiety, or some sort of disorder along with it)
- SS <333333
#bnha#bnha x reader#tourettes#tourette syndrome#mha x reader#shoto todoroki x reader#todoroki shoto x reader#midoriya izuku x reader#izuku midoriya x reader#bakugo katuski x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#kirishima eijiro x reader#eijiro kirishima#bakugou katsuki x reader#bakugou x reader#todoroki x reader#midoriya x you#midoriya x reader#kirishima x reader
237 notes
¡
View notes
Note
(in your opinion) which taylor swift songs are like THEE buddie songs?
ok so like i always wanted someone to ask me this so i got a little excited lmao
gorgeous: "and I'm so furious at you for making me feel this way / but, what can I say? / you're so cool, it makes me hate you so much / you're gorgeous it makes me so mad"
ok but like gorgeous it definitely gives me buck vibes those first hours when he was acting like a jerk towards eddie. he was dealing with the abby thing and then bOOM this gorgeous amazingly cool guy comes into the 118 and buck doesn't know how to deal with it
dress: "I don't want you like a best friend / even in my worst times, you could see the best of me / flashback to my mistakes / my rebounds, my earthquakes / even in my worst lies, you saw the truth of me"
afterglow: "fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves / chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there's no us / why'd I have to break what I love so much? / it's on your face, and I'm to blame, I need to say /
the whole song gives me buddie vibes trying to move on from the lawsuit. like every lyric fits that situation perfectly.
you're in love: "strange look on his face / pauses, then says: you're my best friend and you knew what it was / he is in love"
stay stay stay: "you took the time to memorize me: my fears, my hopes and dreams / I just like hanging out with you all the time / all those times that you didn't leave It's been occurring to me I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life"
willow: "wherever you stray i follow / I'm begging for you to take my hand wreck my plans / that's my man / show me the places where the others gave you scars"
peace: "and you know that I'd swing with you for the fences / sit with you in the trenches / give you my wild, give you a child / give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other / family that I chose"
(I probably could do a whole buddie playlist with taylor swift songs but these are the ones with the lyrics i feel are most them, y'know? )
#the mail's here darlingđ#himbodiaz#taylor swift x buddie#taylor swift lyrics#911 buddie#911onabc#evan buckley#evan buck buckley#buckley diaz family#edmundo diaz#eddie diaz
58 notes
¡
View notes
Text
Preferred Music- OM! Brothers
Not that anyone asked me, but I was in the mood to write and Iâve gotten back into Obey Me! after a super-long hiatus.. so these are my thoughts on what the brothers listen to in terms of music. Iâve only finished S1, so forgive me if these donât make sense in context of the later seasons T_T
Lucifer:
Itâs established in canon that Lucifer loves listening to classical music and has an extensive record collection- the more cursed the better
I headcanon though that he also likes to listen to big band music, like the Glenn Miller Orchestra
I can imagine him putting one of his vintage Glenn Miller records on his grammy and asking his s/o to dance with him one night if he was feeling especially romantic. The song heâd initiate on would be Twilight Interlude, Moonlight Serenade, or Starlit Hour.
I also headcanon that Lucifer listens to crooners, like Nat King Cole or Frank Sinatra
If MC can play an instrument, especially if itâs the piano, Lucifer might lurk in the hallway for a while if he hears them playing music by composers like Beethoven, Mozart, or Chopin. He doesnât know how or why, but he thinks their works sound best whenever MCÂ plays them
I think Luciferâs guilty pleasure is 50â˛s/60â˛s decade music, but only listens to them when certain conditions are met: heâs in an exceptionally good mood, his privacy is guaranteed for at least an hour, and itâs just him in his bedroom. He feels that artists like The Beach Boys, Elvis, and The Beatles donât fit with his polished, high-class image, hence the secrecy around listening to them
Youâll know he trusts you when he allows you into his space while one of these artistsâ records is on the gramophone
Doesnât change MCâs ringtone in his phone, because one: heâs an old man and hardly uses the thing for anything besides communication anyway, and two: he wants to be the only brother who wasnât prompted by Mammonâs ringtone change
Probably changes their ringtone after a few weeks, when his brothers have forgotten all about it
 Mammon:
The Black Crowes. Next-
Itâs canon that Mammon likes R&B music
Mammon strikes me as a classic/90â˛s alternative rock kind of guy too, though. Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, U2, Deep Purple, The Black Crowes, Pearl Jam- that kind of vibe
If heâs feeling something a little more hard, heâd probably dip into Nirvana, Van Halen, AC/DC, or another band along those lines
âMoneyâ by Pink Floyd is DEFINITELY his ringtone
If heâs trying to really focus to come up with a scheme to make Grimm, or is just in the mood for something really chill, he might pull up a lofi hip hop playlist/station to listen to in the background
If he and MC happen to be chilling in his room, though, heâd probably play whatever theyâre into- not because he likes them and wants to learn more about them or anything, noooooo sir, definitely doesnât want to know their favorite artists so he can maybe take them to a concert one day either
Probably starts listening to MCâs favorite bands and genres too as their relationship develops
I headcanon that as soon as he finds out whatever MCâs favorite song is, he sets it as their ringtone in his phone so he can distinguish them from modeling agencies and his brothers
Leviathan:
Itâs canon that Levi LOVES anime music, which like- I 110% subscribe to
I think heâd also really like video game music as well. Especially if itâs a game he loves and their soundtracks are *chefâs kiss*
If the Devildom has an equivalent to K-pop, I could see him being into that too. BTS, EXO, SUPER JUNIOR, Girlâs Generation, and SEVENTEEN all give me Levi vibes
Because he used to play so many different instruments, I also headcanon that sometimes he gets in the mood to listen to some of the music he used to play
He might get started on a classical music kick for a couple hours, then be satisfied for a week or two until the craving comes up again
Like Mammon, he might try listening to MCâs favorite music to get to know them better- but if heâs too averse to it, heâll just go back to listening to his usual music
As their relationship develops, he might change MCâs ringtone in his phone to the theme of an anime theyâve both watched together and loved, or to the theme of his favorite anime- not to be outdone by Mammon, of course
Satan:
Itâs canon that Satan also enjoys classical music, especially symphonies
I headcanon though that Satan might resent this similarity to Lucifer, so listens to classical music in secret- or abstains from it until he cracks and binges for a few hours
I could also see Satan listening to music very loudly in his room to piss Lucifer off if heâs in a particularly vindictive mood, especially if itâs hard rock or metal
Three Days Grace, Shinedown, Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, The Veer Union, Gojira, Beartooth, Steel Panther- and if heâs really mad at Lu, heâd pull out the stops and listen to some death metal
Lowkey kind of likes some of it, even though he started listening to it exclusively with the intent of making the eldest tear his hair out in frustration
For casual listening, though, I headcanon that he has soft indie playlists and stations that heâs favorited/subscribed to
I could also see him as the type to have a playlist built with all his favorite songs from his favorite Broadway plays (looking at you, Les MisĂŠrables and Cats)
When he catches wind that Mammon and Levi changed their ringtones for MC, he didnât hop on the train to outdo them- he just thought it was a good idea. He changes it to a soft indie song that reminds him of MC in some way, whether the lyrics are explicitly about someone similar to them or the sound of the song gives them MC vibes
Asmodeus:
Asmo listens to healing music in canon
But I also imagine him listening to dance/EDM music, because it gets him pumped up for The Fall and reminds him of the good times heâs had there
I headcanon that Asmo listens to healing music when heâs pampering himself or doing spa sessions with MC, and dance/EDM when heâs getting primped up to go to the club
Asmo is DEFINITELY the type to put soft music on when heâs about to get it on with somebody to set the mood, but itâs not something he listens to on his own- he feels ambivalent about romantic music in general
With MC, though, if their relationship buds into something more than friendship- you can bet your ass that he custom makes the perfect playlist for spicy situations with them, and his opinion on romantic music changes into a more positive one
I also see him listening to Queens like Ariana Grande, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, BeyoncĂŠ- really powerful women vocalists
Asmo might have an easy listening pop playlist/station subscribed on his app of choice, but probably has to be in the mood for it to put it on
Definitely changes MCâs ringtone to something cheeky at first, like âSexual Healingâ, but trades it for a romantic song that reminds him of them later as they get closer
Beelzebub:
The RAD newspaper reports that Beel likes the song in the âHellâs Burgerâ commercial
But I headcanon that when the newspaper club asked him that question, he just didnât know how to respond because he listens to so many different genres, so he blurted out the first thing on his mind (so of course it would be food-related)
Beel doesnât strike me as the type to like one genre in particular to the exclusion of most others- he seems more like heâd have playlists of all different genres to switch between depending on the situation and his mood
Heâd definitely have a workout playlist full of songs to hype him up, like âEye of the Tigerâ, âWelcome to the Jungleâ,  âSeven Nation Armyâ, âThunderâ, etc.
Probably has upwards of thirty playlists/stations heâs subscribed to because of his broad tastes, but the ones I see him frequently playing are pop, indie, alternative, and punk rock
Because he shares a room with Belphie, heâs grown accustomed to listening to chill, soft piano music at night when the both of them are first falling asleep- so much so, he has a hard time falling asleep without it, so he always brings earphones with him when traveling so he can still listen to it
MCâs ringtone in his phone is the âHellâs Burgerâ commercial song- the only other contact that shares the ringtone is Belphie. Hearing his favorite song helps him distinguish his favorite people from everyone else calling his phone, even if hearing the song makes him hungry and drool a little bit before he picks up
Belphegor:
Belphie likes chill piano music in canon
Makes sense to me, since heâs sleeping 99.999999% of the time
But I headcanon that he also likes punk rock, like Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, blink-182, Good Charlotte, All Time Low, Panic! At The Disco, Bring Me The Horizon, and more
He only listens to it if he has to stay awake for a long period of time- listening to piano music makes him sleepy, so thatâs out of the question, even though he needs music to be able to focus
Belphie is another brother who will stick around if he hears MC playing the piano- heâs less covert about it than the eldest brother, though
Heâll straight up trudge into the music room, sit on the bench with them and lean his head against their shoulder as they play
Hope you werenât planning on stopping anytime soon, MC
Belphie also seems like the type to have subscriptions to ASMR or soft storytelling podcasts/stations/playlists, for the times he finds heâs having a hard time falling asleep
Like Lucifer, is one of the last to hop on the ringtone train, and honestly didnât really give a shit about it until he really thought about it. What if MC was in trouble and tried to call him while he was asleep? His normal ringtone wouldnât wake him up in that scenario, which could end up being really bad
Changes it to something really loud and obnoxious at first, like âWhat Is Loveâ (the animal cover)
Eventually changes it to something more romantic as he and MC get closer in their relationship, like âCheck Yes, Julietâ
~~
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. <3
BTW, this is the ringtone I HCâd for Belphie lmfao:Â https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx5-aOGphII&t=53s
Itâs my morning alarm and my family hates it, but Iâm an extremely heavy sleeper sooooooo guess Iâll just keep being a menace to society
#obey me#obey me!#obey me! swd#shall we date? obey me#lucifer obey me#mammon obey me#levi obey me#satan obey me#asmo obey me#beel obey me#belphie obey me#headcanons
54 notes
¡
View notes