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sunshine--writes · 4 years ago

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Blood Bound

header image courtesy of one of the biggest Lady Dimitrescus simps i’ve ever met.

This is the first and last time i will ever write anything so be prepared. Also i’m not the best writer so some parts might be very rushed and sloppy sorry. Idk how to post on tumblr either and also i’m on mobile so sorry for weird formatting issues :)

A little background I wrote this as a presentation thing with my friends so it’s not gonna be good. Also this is the first time i’ve ever written smut so sorry i guess?

Warnings: NSFW of course, uh very kinky probably, swears in this warning, f! Reader, reader is a vampire pls let me have this, IT MAKES SENSE FOR THE STORY PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS, vampires need sleep i guess idk just fuck let me live, fluff at the end bc im a whore for that kinda shit, probably ooc for Lady Dimitrescu but like idk her character other than dom mommy milkers so, blindfolds, binding arms? what is it called??

All of your senses returned to you very slowly. You didn’t know where you were, or why someone had taken you in the middle of the night, but for some reason you felt safe. You could feel the cold damp floor of the cell you could only presume you were in and you could smell rotting flesh and the wet metal that surrounded you. You could hear the dripping noises of falling water coming from somewhere in front of you, and the sound of footsteps slowly approaching. The only sense you never regained was your sight. You could feel the soft fabric that covered your eyes and made a reasonable guess that your host for the evening had blindfolded you.

“Have you awoken my darling?” Ah, speak of the devil. The person that belonged to that sultry voice was one Lady Dimitrescu -- the countess that you have met with several times before and every encounter has somehow ended the same way. You remember the first time you met the 9 foot tall woman. It was 1920, and as the child of a wealthy eastern european count, you were required to attend the galas that were thrown. During one such occasion you happened to run into Lady Dimitrescu, and had unfortunately uncovered her secret. At the first sign of danger a normal person would have run, but who were you to judge? After all, aren't you two essentially the same?

That was the first night, and the begging of a long mutual relationship between the two of you. A whirlwind of passion, anger, misery, and lust was the only way you could describe these past decades you have spent with her. Everytime you left her embrace, you couldn’t help but long to be in it again no matter how angry you were. This on again off again relationship had persisted through generations, and you would be damned if you would give up now. She had introduced you to your friends who had shared the same beliefs, and made you feel welcomed. She had been there during the downfall of your family's power, and she was there for every milestone. You had to admit, your life was tied to this woman if you had liked it or not. Every night you spent apart was agony, and every moment you spent together was bliss. You have eternity, so what's the use in spending anymore time apart?

This night felt different. It wasn't normal for her to seek out your company, so why has she all of a sudden? And since when has she been this gentle? If it was like any other night she would have already had her way with you and thrown you to the side. Tonight was definitely different.

“My dear turn towards me.” She demanded, and you obeyed, crawling your way to the direction you think she might be in. You found her in the corner of what you think is a cell. You could tell she was sitting in a chair so you sat on your knees in front of her.

“Ah, isn’t this better darling? Everything is as it should be.” You could hear the sound of her claws extending -- and then you felt as she dragged the nail across your cheek, across your lips, and down to your chin.

“My love, head up. This way I can see your beautiful face.” She spoke as she lifted your head with her sharp claw. “Ah this beautiful face, the one that has tormented my dreams for far too long. Isn’t this much better?” You nod, what does she mean tormented her dreams? Over these past years you understood that this relationship was not one out of love, so you never gave yourself hope that she might feel the same as you. Even as her words sounded like a declaration of longing, you refused to dream. An intimate relationship with her, even one without love, was enough for you. As long as you could remain at her side for the rest of eternity you would be happy.

She sighed, “No matter, tonight is somewhat of a celebration, and as I am in a good mood I have sought you out. So where shall we start?” You hear the claw retreat back into her hand and her start to stand up, towering over you. “Lets get you out of these clothes hm?” She grabs you by the neck forcing your body down to the ground, cool gloved hands start roaming all over your body, loosening and untying the thin clothes you wore to sleep that night. “Ah beloved, how I had missed this.” Her mouth descended onto your neck where you could feel the warmth of her saliva as she sucked on that tender spot. You whimpered, moving closer into the bigger woman, although this isn't the first time she has marked you like this, it still sends tingles down your spine. Your hands started to roam as Lady Dimitrescu moved her way from your neck to your chin, and finally to your mouth: enveloping you in a deep kiss. Your back arched to be closer to the woman on top, deepening the kiss. You could taste the reminisce of blood and the sweet wine she had been brewing for years. Tonight really was an important celebration. You couldn’t control yourself as both of your bodys moved in tandem, your hands moving down her back.

She pulled away, leaving you gasping for air, “Now now my dear, you know the rules. No touching without permission. Now let's get these hands out of the way hm?” You could feel as the warmth from her body moved away, leaving you semi-naked on the cold floor. You couldn’t tell where she had gone, nor how long she was gone for -- every minute without her felt like agony anyway.

Her footsteps finally came back, “On your knees,” she demanded, and you moved without hesitation. “Both arms behind you.” Again you moved without thinking, obeying every word. You could feel as some soft fabric was slowly wrapped around both of your wrists and then tied, you could guess that it was the same silk as the one around your eyes.

“There, isn't that better darling? Now lay back down, I will loosen you up.” A claw extended and you felt as the rest of your already loose clothes were torn off, including your slick underwear. “Hm?” she laughed, “Already ready for me?”

“Yes mistress.” you nodded, spreading your legs slightly.

“Darling you know I love it when you call me that.” Gloved hands traced their way from your neck, to your breasts, down your stomach, and finally rested on your thighs. “Hm? What should I do darling? Shall we continue?”

“Yes mistress.” You begged, wiggling your body hoping for her hand to end up in that place you wanted it. You begged for her to give you release, begged for the thing you missed the most over these years.

“Hm? Shall I grant you your requests? Maybe you should beg some more first.” Her hands suddenly moved, finding their way back up to your breasts, hands playing with your nipples. You squirmed, wishing that the woman would give you what you wanted.

“Please mistress,” you begged, pushing yourself onto her thigh. Your cries fell on def ears as she continued to play with you. You started grinding on her thigh, pleading with your mistress to take you. “Please Lady Dimitrescu, please help me.”

You felt her hot hands finally leave your chest, “Fine, I shall grant this one request to you my beloved.” Suddenly you felt a gloved finger push its way inside you, forcing itself deeper in, her other hand went back to playing with your breasts. You gasped, moaning as she started moving around slowly inside. You tried to move yourself down onto her hand, allowing sweet relief. Her unoccupied hand made its way up to your neck and she started choking you.

Her tempo picked up as another finger made its way inside. The sounds coming out of you were ungodly, she had you crying out in pleasure. “Do you like that my dear?” she called out from on top of you. You could only nod your head and cry out something akin to the word yes. She was moving even faster and you could feel the pressure inside of you about to explode, you begged your mistress to please release you, but she wouldn’t budge moving faster than she had ever moved before. You were moaning and screaming in pleasure, you silently thanked whoever was up there that you were in a castle otherwise you would probably have a noise complaint by now. Her movements had you writhing around, grasping for anything with your bound hands. You brought your legs and wrapped them around her, opening yourself up for her. You were desperately grinding against her hand, your walls tightening before you could come.

“Eager now aren't we, well my love shall I let you come?” Although you were blindfolded you could see her smirking face. You called out between moans, crying for her to let you. You were begging and pleading, you must have looked so pitiful but in that moment you wished for nothing more than to come undone by this woman's hands.

“Lets see how loud you can be.” You felt your walls close down on the fingers inside of you as you screamed out in pleasure, the pressure finally being released. You could feel your juices coming out as orgasms wracked through your body. The pleasure was too much for you to handle and before you knew it you passed out.

***

You awoke in a very comfortable bed, the feel of the satin sheets under you cooled your body and sent shivers all over. You had realized that both the blindfold and your arm restraints were gone, and your body had been cleaned up from last night's activities. You were wearing a thin nightgown that only accentuated how cold it was in this room. As you looked around you finally saw the face of the sleeping woman next to you. Strange, you had never awoken next to her, no matter how vigorous the previous night's activities were she always left before you woke up. You giggled quietly to yourself, last night must have been a special night indeed. You saw sunlight streaming in from the large windows on the northern wall of this bedroom casting itself onto her. She had never looked more beautiful in your long life. You reached out your hand and started softly stroking the woman's face and hair, careful not to wake her. You traced your way from her forehead down to her lips, pausing there slightly. Last night was different, it wasn't bad, it was in fact very good. It was just something you never thought would happen for the both of you. As you look at the face of sleeping Lady Dimitrescu in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what your life would be like if you two had a different kind of relationship. Your thoughts were cut short when you felt two arms snake their way around you and suddenly you were pulled into the woman's arms.

“What are you doing awake so early my little dove? You should rest some more, last night must have been very taxing on your body.” Lady Dimitrescu spoke. You were shocked to say the least. Over the decades you have known the Countess, you have never been in her arms like this. This is what you had dreamt of for so long, wanting to feel true, romantic love from this woman, and now that you are here you felt as if you could cry.

And cry you did. Before you could stop yourself you felt the tears falling down your face and onto the clothes of the woman holding you.

“My beloved what is wrong?” Lady Dimitrescu frantically spoke as she tried to wipe the tears out of your eyes, “What is the matter? Please tell me.”

“It’s truly nothing,” you finally croaked out after minutes of sobbing. You must have looked ridiculous like this. How could you really think that she would love you like you love her. You are nothing compared to her.

“If you are crying then of course something is wrong. Please tell me darling, I hate to see you so sad.”

You hesitated. Was it really alright to tell her the thoughts that have plagued you for generations? You didn’t want things to change between the two of you. Even if you were just treated as a play thing, as long as you could stay with her you would do anything. “I love you. I have loved you for years, and you will never reciprocate how I feel. I am nothing to you other than a toy you can throw away at a moment's notice. But still I wish to stay by your side, even If I am nothing other than that. Don’t let my feelings change our relationship. I only want to stay with you.” The tears came back but you wouldn’t let them fall. You were stronger than that.

You felt her hold on you tighten as she brought you closer to her, lips brushing over your forehead and over your eyes. Her mouth moved around your face, kissing away your tears.

“Beloved who ever said I never felt the same way?”

to those liking this at 2 am: 📸📸📸

#lady dimitrescu #x f!reader #vampire reader #smut #blindfold #binding #idk what else to put in the tags #mommy issues #big mommy milkers #sub! reader #dom lady dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu x reader #you can treat this as a y/n but i never said a name so idc #lady dimitrescu fic #what game is she from?#resident evil?#i don’t remember #i’m not a writer

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mythykl · 5 years ago

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UNSPOKEN,, *todoroki x (f) reader

Genre : fanfic, smut *aged up* (shoto is imagined to be 21yo or something,, and reader as 19yo)

rating : explicit, NSFW, 17+

Warning : fingering, oral?? todo is pretty horny overall. starts w a pretty intense bg story, so you gotta read through all that to get to the good stuff. cool.

words?? idk, it’s pretty lengthy tho.

our todoboi is a pretty lovin’ bf in here.

————————-

“I’m really sorry for yesterday, Y/N. I-I did’n-”

You clench your fists as you sit on the couch beside him, and interrupt, “Whatever it is- save it, I don’t blame you to begin with. I-I’m just mad. I’d spent almost a week for that chapter, to give justice and bring perfection in what I wanted to put across to the readers. Well- its not even about the time; I had thought through it so much, and atlas thought of typing it out yesterday- I mean- whatever crap that I had even written, I was proud of that- until,, your ignorant ass decided to show up in the room and fuckin’ switched off the computer assuming it’s already logged off, o-or whatever. You could’ve at-at least- fuck-” yup ya ass is livin’ in the worst nightmare of a writer, stay steady

You of course cried, and even threw a tantrum for an hour or so once you realized what had happened. But primarily, you were just mad- mad at yourself for not saving that damn file, and even at him cuz ofc.

Todoroki certainly didn’t take it well, since he is sad at present, and can’t even look in your eyes. He apologized multiple times since last night and had even prepared a breakfast for you before leaving for work; on the other hand, you haven’t even answered to his appeals yet with clarity.

Out of the blue you just cup his cheeks, making him instantly look up- at you, and then get up with an audible sigh, “Go get ready, I’ll prepare our dinner by then.” That gesture somehow took him aback.

He gets up instantly and blurts out in confusion, “I d-didn’t expect you to prepare a dinner for me, and on top of it- wait for me so we can have it together. You should’ve ate already, it’s almost midnight.”

You turn back to him, walking towards him to hold his hands, "I honestly don’t know what to reply. My heart- just thought it is the right thing to do that; one mistake isn’t enough to just hate you all of a sudden, Shoto. Moreover we are talking about this, it’s not like you’re being arrogant or things are left unsaid- and you’re genuinely sorry. I can see that in your eyes. I’m just- I don’t know. I’m depressed a bit- yes, but it can’t be helped now. I need some time to think, maybe.”

Little did you know that your kind words pricked him like thousands of tiny needles against his skin. He loves you, and however seemingly ‘small’ mistake this might be, he hates himself for hurting you- the person he loves so dearly. He thinks of his mother, his complicated family life- which had made him seemingly unemotional. You were one of the people to break through that forged cold wall. He had finally accepted you as his reality than his mere escapism and live with you, but here he is- bringing tears and fueling anger in you, like a good for nothing- just like his father.

After a slight pause, he just busts his arms open and pull you close to him, in his warm embrace, “What did I possibly do to deserve such an angel?” He almost whispers in his beautiful voice.

An angel?

“So talented, pretty, wonderful, real and warm. Remember. I love you. No matter what. I always will. And I respect you- your passion, interests, talent, likes and dislikes, freedom, strengths-weakness, your work, happiness- everything. Throw all the tantrums you want and cry all you want- more than just agreeing and being there for you- I’ll always make sure I understand you first. I’m sorry for being so ignorant lately.”

It may seem as if he’s crying, but he’s not. He said all that with a tough stance and gratefulness in his tone, a faint disbelief of having you as his significant other. While you just stood there, in surprise. You aren’t oblivious to his past and his journey through it. Is he blaming himself? or Is he again thinking that he doesn’t deserve happiness?- you’re at the loss of words and a mind fumbling all over the place. You simply subside the chaos, and hug him back.

“We’re definitely working, Todoroki. Understanding each other more than just being in love- something that many fail to do. Isn’t this great?” You at last blurt out.

“Yes. I guess,” he says as he detaches himself from you, “I’ll be right back- until then, read what I’ll send you as you have dinner. Gonna sound stupid of me- but I already had dinner at office. I assumed that you’d not prepare a meal for me and- would be asleep by now as well.”

“Wow icyhot, I’m mad at you even more now,” you say playfully as you walk towards the kitchen.

“I-”

“Save it. You would be saying that for the millionth time now,” you chuckle as you grab your phone, lying on the dinner table.

Before serving your food, you decide to see the text, only to find an attachment with a rather strange message- ‘Hey, here’s an headcanon for chapter 37, that I wrote. Enjoy.’

Wait-

Headcanon??

Wait did he- read your wattpad book? And moreover, came up with a theory to what might happen in the ne- next chapter.

Nice. jk. Ofc you lost your shit

For the sake of getting back to senses, you legit do the deep breathing shit- which your therapist always recommended you to do.

Now what?

You serve yourself some noodles instantly, since you don’t feel hungry anymore, rush to the dining table and start chomping on the cold noodles as you open the attachment.

What made you almost throw up was that the mention of word counts. Which is 3k by the way, though no where near how much you usually write.

Shoto is definitely not the kinda guy to have read any wattpad books, or more specifically even have come across the word 'headcanon’.

He probably noticed how you mention it as well at the end, but decided to put it in the beginning,, for god knows what reason?? Or, he did decide to go through the fanons- which your readers’ posts on tumblr. This eases your nervousness, you clearly urge for more.

You swipe down, reading furiously fast, yet scanning every word and sentence- atleast twice. The chapter, honestly, was mediocre. He had ideas but couldn’t put them across- with excessive repetition of words, but he is almost close to-

“Honey, are you done?” Todoroki’s voice almost scares you. You look at your bowl ready to grab another bite- but you had already finished the meal.

“Earth to Y/N. Don’t tell me my words were that mesmerizing,” he says with a smile as he rubs his hair with a towel.

“Let’s be honest, though you don’t have the talent of a writer, your idea was- kinda similar to mine. What I’m sayin is that you almost. GOT. IT. RIGHT. Well, kuro did spy on KAORI’S house that unfaithful night, and he didn’t have any sources as such, which does mean that he is hiding his real quirk- but, no- I’m not telling you more than that.”

“Since you already know that I read all your chapters, and did like the book- I certainly can’t wait to understand why KURO would possibly do that.”

You just smirk off his curiosity; “You gotta wait boy,” you say as you as you walk back to kitchen counter with your bowl. Todoroki marches behind you to grab the cleaning cloth to clean the table, as you do the dishes.

“Put that towel in the washing machine, please.”

“Yup,” you almost feel an ounce of happiness in his reply. After he closes the machine’s door, you at last ask, "So what are your thoughts?“ It has never been one of you expectations for the people to you read your books or even, praise you for writing, but a review wouldn’t hurt, would it?

"Uhh- well, I love how everything is now just coming together, as one can foreshadow that the book’s gonna end. The use of words was elegant, and the plot is bewitching. Has been a while since I even read anything in thriller, that too- this good. Fuck. Reading kaori’s point of view just the day before the murder was- unbelievable. And characters, they all are just great.”

That is indeed a Todoroki kinda explanation.

“Wow you did read all of tha-” but before you could complete your statement, shoto just grabbed your hips and stood tall behind you, now speaking in an extremely low tone, “And not to mention- the first sex between Kaori and Braun, it literally was like the depiction of ours. Except, they were awkward and slow, we weren’t.”

You pause. what took over him all of a sudden?

He continues, “That gave me a whole another perspective to what sex really means, and moreover what intimacy mean to you. It was.. surreal. Reading it, was as if- I’m living through that afternoon again, but with more emotions, and a bit more of you.”

“It’s not like I’ve explored much to actually wri-”

“Oh, is that so?”

“I’m not complaining, of course, but these are the moments I believe must be left to cherish and our intimate times just feel more- sacred to me like this??” Sigh, “Ugh. Now, how do I explain?” Well, that is true, even though Todo and you’ve dated for almost two years now, it was just four months ago that you lost your virginity with him, on your nineteenth birthday.

He had already lost his with the previous girl he was with. Though he never implied, it felt as if you were obliged to do it for him, due to your own insecurities. Once he got to know that, his reaction was nothing as what you had thought. He said that he loved you, and such things are nothing related to love; that sex is overrated, and continued on saying dorky yet adorable stuff like- cuddling was much better and what not. Since then, you had sex with him just thrice. None of you were really against this unspoken agreement, to not have-

Wait, an unspoken agreement?

Unspoken.

You instantly feel like an hypocrite, since you had just claimed to have nothing unspoken between you both.

Sudden a sharp pain in the skin of your neck brings you back to reality. Shoto is sucking on your skin, kissing ever so lightly. As if marking you.

An audible morn escape your parted lips as the bowl just falls on the kitchen sink. Todoroki leans forward and simply closes the tap and whispers, “So you do like to be 'submissive’, don’t you? Had this discovery while reading one of your books, 'Starless nights’.”

The exact book for which you had to watch vintage porn to make the chapters with intercourses more sensual and intresting.

Again, taking you by surprise, he simply turns you around as you continue stare at the ground with your hands wet, in front of you like dog’s pow.

“So I assume you liked my headcanon.”

“Yup; was much better than the crap I write, let’s go to-” but you’re interrupted-

“Now baby, we both know you’re the better writer, and that you just lied.”

“That was sarcas-” but he just pulls you closer and spanks you hard. You hiss as the pain spreads all over your butt cheeks.

“Never interfere, Y/N.” Wait wut-

Your immediate reaction was biting your lips- is he saying the words from the book? Not exactly inacting them but attempting to set a similar atmosphere, which you lowkey craved for in your wildest dreams.

“Since I’ve anyways taken this unspoken, unofficial oath of keeping you happy and stuff, now why not help you with some satisfaction- with all those juices flowing down your-”

You suddenly push him back and blurt while blushing hard, “Stop with this teasing and aw- awkward co- conversations todoroki! Fuckin’ juices, seriously? I’m not co- comfortable with-”

But then, you notice his right hand in your shorts. Or more like the sheer coldness against you clit, almost like there’s ice against it. When did his hand go in there? You end up clenching his T-shirt, as you jolt up on your toes.

“You. Clearly. Want. This. Don’t. You.” Suddenly, he pulls his hand out as he grabs your ass tight as he pulls you even further. Then, he brings his hand up to the height of you face and simply starts stares at the dampness on his fingers, “Wetter than I suspected."

Now behold the unbelievable.

He keeps staring at his fingers, opens his mouth as he places his fingers into them and suck it as you watch this piece of art in awe.

"Can’t believe that I had you like- just thrice before this. You do live up to what I usually call you, honey.” He continues, “I hope you’ve noticed my creativity as well, as i used my coldness to.. nudge it.”

“You’re being quite quirky today, aren’t you?” This statement just makes him go still, and the next second he’s found laughing. His deep voice, almost reverberating in the silent room. He steps back, brings one hand to his face as he looks down and continues to laugh. The mere sight of him in this way gives you so much warmth, this is the moment you realize that this is the true home. With him.

When he finally looks up, the mere sight of you blushing so hard makes him lose his composure again, but this time it’s a nervous laugh.

Approaching closer, you set your hands on his torso and continue, “That was quite execrable pun to chortle at, we were doing excellent just now-” but in reply, he simply cups his hand around your cheeks and say, “Shit y/n. You’re going to be the death to me,” and continues grinning like an airhead.

Why is he being annoying now? After so much sexual tension, how can he stop? In midst of you cursing yourself in your head, he leans at your height and kisses you.

Finally being out of patience, you look at the ground and stutter, “Ca-can we do i-it al-alrea-”

“Quite frankly, I’d like if you stay quiet, you shall take what I’ll give you, right?”

You look up immediately into his beautiful heterochromic eyes and say without any further doubts with a smirk, “Go ahead, Shoto, who am I to deny?”

“Sedective. umm, I like that.” he smirks too.

“Know that I love you,” and that’s it. Within one second, his hands are in your hair and his face is buried in your neck, digging deeper into you, as if uprooting releasing your soul from your body.

Skin glistening on your collar bone now and colours warming up on your cheeks, you whimper under his dominance, as he squeezes your waist and lightly nips against your shoulder. You shiver, with pretty evident goosebumps, in spite of the heat you both bear at this point.

Your breath gets hitched in your throat as he moves inwards below your collarbones. while his hands rest on your waist. You involuntarily climb a bit on him, intending to close the gap, but more to feel his manhood against you. Your hands firmly on his shoulders, almost pushing him back- maybe because it’s too much pleasure to feel at once.

At another rise of your hips, Todoroki places his hand on your waist and pushes you back down, “Easy, easy princess,” he mummers before getting back to fiercely kissing me. You run your fingers through his hair, as you body slowly commences to accept an indeed new experience bombarded at you.

Suddenly, you remember something. In heist, you shove him back and say, “Wait! We need to wash our hands- I- I mean we have just did chores. Well, at least partially and I need to wash myself- I mean I’m clean,” but then you stop to look at him just to find him in utter shock.

“Shoto! I mean I want this but hygiene is impor- fuck. I’m. Such. A. Boner. Killer. Ain’t I?”

“Point made.” Todoroki picks you up in bridal style and rushes towards the bathroom. for some reason i thought of adding this,, lmao

“Wait what-?”

“No time to waste.”

This makes you giggle a bit. You wash yourself while he as well washes his hands, and you practically pull him out of the bathroom, grab him by his collar and kiss him deeply as his hands slowly move up and down, feeling your torso- flesh untouched due to s mere knit.

His hand unapologetically moves to the hem of your sweater, and further inside; but within one move of his, you stood there shivering, exposed.

Immediately, you move forward in order to close the distance between you and shoto out of nervousness. His eyes drop down to your heaving chest and you’re painfully aware of that.

“Don’t. Don’t hide,” he mutters, grabbing a hold of your hands and locking them behind with one of his own for you to stay still; as he slides his other in your shorts. You feel his gentle hand running down the slit.

“Honey you’re dripping wet, what have i done to this innocence?” It seems that he expected a reply, but you didn’t. You just couldn’t. He then pulls the other hand to you face, diving in for yet another passionate kiss- accompanied by a battle of tongues this time. You are going breathless, but he refuses to move away.

The creasing in your folds level up to three fingers now,. He isn’t generous anymore, with aggressive circles in there, he finally commands, “Say my name.”

“Sho-shoto.” Your moans only fuel in his lust and desires, his want, an indeed selfish want to have you all for himself, to offer the utmost satisfaction.

He pushes a finger into you as you instinctively let out a small breath hold his busy arm with both of your hands. This makes him push you against the wall with his free hand.

“M-my legs, it’s going numb,” on hearing this, he removes his own shirt and slightly repositions himself, with one hand now on the waist and the other back in there. He kisses your forehead as you look down, unable to keep up with his pace.

That’s when the coldness returns.

“I- ah- can we ge-get to the bed first?” Your stuttered words only results in a widened smile from him. He is enjoying the sight, clearly in love with the effect he has on you. His head shakes, further sliding another finger inside you, “You can do it baby. You’re taking it all in without questioning.”

You nod quickly, as you start climb up a bit again. In return, he slowly curls his fingers- more and more with each passing second making you almost cry out this time, “Please n-no, this is too intense for me.”

“Yet my princess didn’t make Braun stop after that, I read in somewhere that Kaori secretly wished for him to not stop even if she said so. Just go on.”

You didn’t know how to come back at it, because it is true. You want your Shoto to push those limits you’ve set for himself, and you’d as well be fine if he simply throws off you cliff at this point.

“Now now, spread your legs y/n.”

Did he say something? You couldn’t listen. With eyes rolled back, you can’t comprehend anything to begin with.

“SPREAD YOU LEGS or else I won’t play nicely.” You’re eyes shoot up, and find his already searching for yours; before leaning in and gently kissing you. Your legs not being shut anymore, todo takes the opportunity, making his finger get stuffed deeper. His two digits start moving faster and harder, pounding against your walls- all while he feels you squirm to slow down.

“You can take it hun’,” he definitely knows what he’s doing, and you’re totally in for it. “Y-yes,” you moan softly. This is when he slides in a third finger, now really making you scream.

You attempt to gasp and struggle to stand, but then he says,”Stay,” as you unknowingly slide down the wall. Your nails dig in the skin of his back as you try to stable your stance on your tip toes yet eventually, your legs give out on you.

Suddenly, you feel him hit a spot which just pulls something inside your stomach. Todoroki on the other hand, notices your unusual hitched breath and starts hitting the SAME. EXACT. SPOT.

His free hand goes to the back and around your waist, holding you evermore tightly so that you won’t hurt yourself.

“I feel- like that- again-,” you manage to blurt.

“Like what?”

“Like pe-peeing, b-but different. Just like th-the last time we-”

He simply smirks, “We what?” He sighs and growls in your ear, “Is princess gonna squirt for me?”

Your body shudders against him as you moan his name, again and again, “Shoto, I-I-”

“That’s it. Squirt for me y/n,” with that he removes his hand entirely for one second, only to push two digits inside again, now thirsting harder and curling tighter; with his thumb against you slit. His hand grows even more colder, almost stinging down there, making you restless.

“Now.”

He watches you open your mouth and moan loudly, as his hand only gets wetter, feeling you squirt against his hand. You shake hard in his hold. He doesn’t let you go. A tear escapes you eyes, but simply doesn’t seem to care,”Shoto, for some reason I-I feel s-so great wi-with yo-,” but you are interrupted as he shoves you further against the wall , sliding down your shorts and undergarment, again with three fingers in.

“That’s my good girl,” he praises you while curling those fingers inside and then removing them together. He further continues, “seems like you’re ready,“ as he rubs the wetness inside the slit, giving special attention to your clit.

Saying that, he kneels down, now facing lower abdomen and plants a kiss over there. You simply look down at him, still struggling to balance, searching for even a slightest hint to know what is there to come.

Maybe he’ll stand up an carry you to the bed? or How about making him feel better this time?

But then, his face smashes his face on your dampness; almost attempting to bury in it as he holds you up and pushes. your legs apart. You clearly know where this is going, todoroki will be showing no mercy whatsoever.

"That wasn’t even the start honey,” he confesses in midst of you moans and begs for him to go slow. It doesn’t hurt anymore as much as it gives an unbearable form of pleasure.

You moan and whimper, yet he continues to suck in your clit. You can feel a finger inside, or maybe two, as they go in and out. Practically shattering you all at once while fusing you once for all.

Your hand travel its way to his hair. Ruffled enough to make the red and the white parts almost indistinguishable.

Oh dear.

Though your eyes are close, hands are fumbling around for support and legs are strictly held in place by Shoto, yet you can feel his tongue moving. As if in patterns, not that you could figure out. It either went in for an eight or just licked off entirely as one does while eating an icecream. You moan his name again and again, the same sensation building up block by block as he paves deeper and denser.

“I can’t take this anymor-”

“What makes you think that’s gonna stop me from eating this pussy.”

Little do you know that shoto can’t hold back anymore, it’s not just that he is in control but he has lost control. At the sight of your dark flushed red cheeks, delicacy and vulnerability, he only gets faster and tougher on you. His other fingers reach around and grips your ass, with his fingers slightly grazing across your unused hole.

That’s it, that was enough for you to go stagnant again, in your mind atleast. Your legs start shaking, with your mouth parted yet again. Shoto quickly stands up, with fingers still inside, to help you stay stood up. You feel yourself about to pass out, but in actuality are fully awake and aware. He kisses you, now moaning with you as well, as he fingers you until you cum.

His teeth take in your lower lip as your eyes flicker up at his unmatched ones.

Shoto, with one hand against the wall, halts for a minute. He stands tall in front of you, while holding you as you struggle to stand.

In midst of huffed breaths, you manage to say, “I- I, I mean- can I make you feel good as well?” On listening thise words, he goes still, “Baby, you can barely stand.”

“Still-” but again, before you could say anything, he picks you up in bridal style and dropping you on the bed; letting you lay back while he removed his left over garments.

This is when his erect manhood is finally exposed, refilling your memories of your first time when you had simply wondered how would you take all of that in. You did, though it was painful. But this time you refuse to be scared by the length, you know this is going to feel the best and you’re willing to take him in, deep inside you.

Shoto sighs and walks to the bed, “No-”

“Shoto?”

“Tonight is about you. Let ME explore you.”

“I wa-wanna hug you,” you blurt out.

He giggles, “sure, all that my y/n wants shall come true.”

But when you attempt to get up, your legs just fail to response. Even the slightest movement feels like a bolt of electricity run through you. At the sight of you falling back on the bed, Shoto simply smirks and says, “By the looks of it, I think I did a pretty good job at pushing your limits.”

“Don’t- I can’t even walk.”

“Wait,” he climbs on the bed beside you, sitting with back against the headboard while you lie against him, still breathless, still attempting to move.

“Don’t move princess,” saying this, he carefully pulls you up, with your head on his thigh. He helps you sit up slowly, while embracing your body against him, and finally hugs you, like a child clenching onto his teddy favourite bear.

“You are so beautiful,” he says as he gets up, while eyes glued on you. He moves to the end of the bed and pulls you towards him as he climbs in again. His two digits reenter your dampness, almost making you hiss at first but it’s soon replaced with moans.

Your back arcs as you mumble, “Sho-shoto, I’m very sensitive ri-right n-now. ah-”

While on his part, he receives it as a signal to level up to the next stage. He slowly penetrates in, soon pacing up. Warmth filled in your hearts and sweat glinting the lustre. He repostions you both a couple of times, giving you different forms of pleasures with each go.

You as well witness his fire quirk leaking out at times. He kisses you deeply and claims you as his own as he repeats the words, “I’ll never let you go.”

Now it’s past 3am, as your exhausted bodies lay next to each other; that’s when he whispers, “I love you.” Maybe he thinks you are already asleep, but you are not. He clearly can’t leave anything unspoken.

i hope this has left you baffled

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sunflowerhae · 4 years ago

Text

music sceneries I’ll never write

♡~•Rules•~♡

➮ Send an ask with the song title, and member! I put the member that I envisioned when I listened to the long, however if you want someone else (from NCT OT21) then you can just request it with them!

➮ ONLY REQUEST A SONG FROM THIS PLAYLIST! I thought that was obvious, but ig not! My bad 😔😔 this isn’t a “submit a song of choice” this is choose a song down below, and get the story I wrote abt it. Hope that makes sense idk

➮ please be aware that I might not get back to you immediately - however if you aren’t on anon, or tell me whatever blog you want me to tag (i understand - this is a side blog), then I’ll tag you in the post!

➮ Please do NOT request two songs together - one suggested per ask! You can ask for two songs at the same time, but they’ll be separate!

➮ also note that the genres in the song descriptions WILL be in the story, but if you really want a certain genre, just say it and I’ll make it both (ex/ if a story is listed as angst, but you want fluff, I’ll make it angst AND fluff)

➮ finally, these aren’t full length stories. They’re experts from the songs listed that I wanted to make full length stories for, but there’s so much that I know I wouldn’t be able to. Once I post the first one, you’ll get the format more 😊 anyway what I’m saying is don’t expect a 10k long fic!

★ - personal favorites. It also means I would hopefully like to keep the same member suggested - but you don’t need to!😊

♫ Somebody else

“I'm looking through you, while you're looking through your phone, and then leaving with somebody else”

Artist: The 1975

Genre: Angst

Suggested Member: Haechan

♫ my eyes adored you

“My eyes adored you - though I never laid a hand on you, my eyes adored you.”

Artist: Frankie Valli

Genre: Fluff

Suggested Member: Jisung

♫ she plays bass

“This chick, who plays bass. She plays bass, she plays bass. Nothing matters cause we’re both in space.”

Artist: beabadoobee

Genre: fluff, crack

Suggested Member: Jaehyun

♫ Life on Mars?

“-Wonder if he’ll ever know: he’s in the freakiest show. Is there Life on Mars?”

Artist: David Bowie

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Suggested Member: Jaemin

♫ We’re gonna be friends ★

“Climb the fence, books and pens - I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we’re gonna be friends.”

Artist: The White Stripes

Genre: fluff

Suggested Member: Chenle

♫ Fine China

“I'm going down, now with all of my Fine china and fresh linen All of my dresses with them tags still on them”

Artist: Lana Del Rey

Genre: angst

Suggested Members: Jaemin or Jeno

♫ butterflies

“Now I remember what it feels like to fly - You give me butterflies”

Artist: Kacey Musgraves

Genre: Fluff, slight angst

Suggested Member: Jeno

♫ yes to heaven

“Say yes to heaven, say yes to me.”

Artist: Lana Del Rey

Genre: Fluff, angst

Suggested Members: Jaemin, Haechan

♫ teenage fantasy ★

“We all want a teenage fantasy; want it when we can’t have it, when we got it we don’t seem to want it.”

Artist: Jorja Smith

Genre: angst, slight fluff, maybe smut

Suggested Member: Haechan

♫ with love, Vincent ★

Artist: Murray Gold, BBC National Orchestra of Wales

Genre: Fluff

Suggested Member: Jaemin

♫ anyone who knows what love is

“The world may think I’m foolish - they don’t see you like I can. Oh, but anyone who knows what love is will understand.”

Artist: Irma Thomas

Genre: Angst, slight fluff

Suggested Member: Haechan

♫ you were mine ★

“Sometimes I wake up crying at night, and sometimes I scream out your name. What right does she have to take you away, when for so long you were mine.”

Artist: The Chicks

Genre: Angst

Suggested Members: Taeyong, Mark

♫ make me your queen

“And I don’t mean shit, I know you’ve made that clear - cause I mean nothing to you, dear. So make me your queen.”

Artist: Declan McKenna

Genre: angst

Suggested Members: Renjun, Doyoung, Jaemin

♫ across the universe

“Words are flowing out, like endless rain into a paper cup - they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe”

Artist: The Beatles

Genre: Fluff

Suggested Member: Jaemin

♫ Been it ★

“I’ve been your mother, I’ve been your father; who could ask me for me? I’ve been your sister, I’ve been your mistress - baby I was your whore.”

Artist: The Cardigans

Genre: Angst?, kinda of a breakup revenge story

Suggested Member: Haechan

♫ Back to December

“So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night - and I go back to December all the time.”

Artist: Taylor Swift

Genre: Angst

Suggested Member: Renjun

♫ The story of us

“And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.”

Artist: Taylor Swift

Genre: angst, fluff

Suggested Member: Mark

♫ Would that I

“With the roar of the fire my heart rose to its feet, like the ashes of ash I saw rise in the heat, settle soft and as pure as snow - I fell in love with the fire long ago”

Artist: Hozier

Genre: fluff

Suggested Member: Jaemin

♫ Satisfied

“He will never be satisfied, I will never be Satisfied.”

Artist: Renée Elise Goldsberry, Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton

Genre: Angst

Suggested Members: Kun, WinWin, Lucas (idk why I get huge wayv vibes)

♫ Terrance loves you

“But I lost myself, when I lost you.”

Artist: Lana Del Rey

Genre: Angst

Suggested Member: Yuta

♫ Honeymoon avenue

“I’m under pressure cause I can’t have you the way that I want, let’s just go back to the way it was - when we were on Honeymoon Avenue.”

Artist: Ariana Grande

Genre: Angst

Suggested Member: Renjun

♫ I don’t love you anymore

“I ain’t tryin to keep up, because, I don’t love you anymore.”

Artist: Tyler the Creator

Genre: Angst

♫ Soft universe

“Speak to me, speak to me, with love in your eyes.”

Artist: AURORA

Genre: Fluff

Suggested Members: Renjun, Taeil

♫ Traveling Soldier ★

“I cried, never gonna hold the hand of another guy. Too young for him, they told her - waiting for the love of a traveling soldier.”

Artist: The Chicks

Genre: Sligt fluff, Angst

Suggested member: Jeno

♫ Bang Bang - my baby shot me down ★

“bang bang - he shot me down. bang bang - I hit the ground. bang bang - that awful sound. bang bang - my baby shot me down.”

Artist: Nancy Sinatra

Genre: Angst, old movie style (you’ll see)

Member: Jaemin

♫ Past Life

“My lover, from a past life.”

Artist: Tame Impala

Genre: Angst, fluff, slice of life

suggested members: Jaemin, Jeno, Doyoung

♫ I’m apart of that

“I’m apart of that...aren’t I?”

Artist: Anna Kendrick

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Suggested Members: mark, taeyong

♫ Bombs on Monday Morning ★

“Bombs are falling on Monday Morning - waiting for the news together”

Artist: Melanie Martinez

Genre: angst

Member: Jaemin

♫ Daddy issues ★

“Go ahead and cry, little girl. Nobody does it like you do. I know how much it matters to you - I know that you got Daddy Issues.”

Artist: The Neighbourhood

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Member: Jeno (I’m not budging on this)

• Listen to all the music here! ⤦ ⤦

•Bombs on Monday Morning🏔 (not on Spotify) ⤦

youtube

• 👼🏻Yes to heaven👼🏻 (not on Spotify) ⤦

youtube

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the--highlanders · 3 years ago

Text

tagged by @penny-anna, thank you!!

How many works do you have on AO3?

142!

What’s your total AO3 word count?

473,453... hopefully I’m on track to hit 500,000 by the end of the year! like obvs it’s not really about the word count & when I’m writing I’m not thinking that I have to make things longer (tho I think my fics have been getting naturally longer lately? I think I’m spending more time on descriptions and scene-setting. which I like but which def hasn’t been a conscious choice) BUT I am using word count goals to stave off the temptation to count kudos and notes & then get anxious about that. sir that is my emotional support ao3 word count.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

the only fandom I’ve properly posted stuff for is dr who... if you go back far enough in my main blog there might be like, 2 sh*rlock fics on my main blog. wouldn’t recommend it tho I was still in high school when I wrote them GFDJHS

I did write for both sh*rlock and torchwood tho. also warrior cats when I was quite a bit younger. & teeechnically my first fanfic was for the saddle club. but I was like, 3. so I didn’t know what a fanfic was. I was just writing a ‘book’ about the horses.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

(excluding timetracks because it’s not a fic to me, it’s a collection, I only put it in one ‘fic’ so I wouldn’t have to come up with individual titles for everything in it gjdhfks)

- stones

- tenth time lucky

- coincidences

- lucky guess

- amber

which is. an interesting selection gdfjkg

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to! I don’t get that many so it’s doable. I do need to get better at answering them quickly though jkdf I am very small and a little bit shy and people are very nice

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

oo idk maybe longing for a time that never came? (no idea why I called it that ghdfk. it’s kind of pretentious for something that never had any rhyme or reason to it). because like. are they going to survive? idk!!!

(would also like to plug this art @ettelwenailinon made for that fic because I love it and also can’t believe it’s four years old??? hello????)

more recently I think it’s the kirkyard (which is a title I actually like!! I really like this fic actually) because two can’t do any more than get jamie out of the church but jamie doesn’t KNOW and he doesn’t understand why two doesn’t even stop to talk to him & it’s painful imo

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not really! I’ve nothing against them, I just don’t tend to write them.

I wouldn’t really class my daemon au as a crossover because like. it’s not really set in the hdm universe, just uses the concept of daemons.

on the other hand I feel like the only crossover I have /is/ pretty niche and a bit wild. lifeboat is a crossover with ark: survival evolved which is very dear to my heart & in my head sits quite nicely with the dr who universe. that fic was SO self-indulgent to write but I loved it. plus the idea of victoria’s dad having THREE scientist friends who went mad in pursuit of godhood is so incredibly funny to me that I forget it isn’t canon

(also the character being referenced in that fic is now voiced by david tennant in-game/will be in the animated series so. gift of prophecy. dfjkhsglfk)

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

nope! like I said everyone has been very nice. the only hate has been from myself gdfhlk

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

don’t read it & don’t write it. just not my thing!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as I know o:

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I mean it’s two/jamie. I’ve been here for like 6 years. still digging my hole.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

talked about it in more detail in this ask but in terms of two-era stuff I’ve only got one that’s definitely never being finished and another that’s not got a great chance of being finished. & stuff I’ve written for other fandoms is just. look it’s gone gdjksdfdg. I don’t care about my dead sh*rlock wips it isn’t 2014 anymore

What are your writing strengths?

I honestly have no idea??? like I’m not being modest or anything, I genuinely don’t know. I think I can write some funny dialogue sometimes.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I’d really like to be better at plotting out longer fics tbh. having coherent plots and carrying through themes and details. people who can introduce an apparently inconsequential detail early in a fic and have it become relevant later in a way that makes you gasp are like, gods to me

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m too nervous about getting stuff wrong so I wouldn’t do it unless I felt like I had enough of a grasp of the language to know what I was doing. but I am at a stage where I feel confident having some simple gàidhlig in my fics!! which is nice. I’d really like to be able to write more, and also to be able to write jamie’s dialogue with like. a sense of english as his second language/gàidhlig as his first? like in the occasional turn of phrase or way of putting something. outside of fic I’m super interested in what someone from that period who had gàidhlig as their first language and english as their second language would have sounded like and how they would have spoken.

my absolute dream would be to be able to translate all my fics completely into gàidhlig, but I’m probably years off from that, if I’ll ever be able to do it. I would really love to be able to write fiction in it, that would be a mark of proficiency in the language for me.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

kind of answered above!

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

oougkj idk!! I have so many now and honestly I forget about a lot of them.

the selkie au always has a special place in my heart, and I do love doing more historical-based ones, so I’ll say the kirkyard because I was already talking about it. if I can be a know-it-all while writing something I’m usually happy gjhklkh.

tagging @galacticlamps and anyone else who wants to do it!!

#personal #putting this under a read more because it got kinda long and i don't want to clutter up people's dashes with my rambling haha #this was fun tho!

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acespec-ed · 3 years ago

Note

hi!! I was wondering if u could help me? I’m alloaro and I just discovered the term aromid… and it makes me question myself. I’m very unsure if I’m on the asexual spectrum or if I just experience sex repulsion sometimes? I’ve looked at so many acespec labels and cannot find one that actually fits me. literally I’ve seen them all. I haven’t really felt comfortable calling myself ace and I do enjoy saying I’m alloaro but I wonder if I’m actually on the ace spectrum as well… how do I differentiate between sex repulsion and asexuality? For one, I’m hypersexual and feel the need/pressure to be sexual or I’m not good enough… and I do want sex I think? I fantasize about it and I enjoy smut and some art .. but when I visually see nakedness or irl sex… it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy that. I enjoy the thoughts and fiction and when people are only partially clothed…. but I just have this feeling of repulsion and fear of actually doing it irl (what if I hate it and it makes me uncomfortable?) and when I think about it I do imagine myself and this other person but it’s also hard to actually see us and not just faceless non existing people… and idk how much of me wanting sex is just pressure from hypersexuality or me genuinely having sexual attraction … idk if I really have much of a libido or want for sex?? would I be able to call myself alloaro AND aromid.. as in I’m alloaro but possibly SOMEWHERE on the ace spectrum?.. or maybe I’m just sex repulsed and fully not ace at all? I feel like my situation here makes me unable to call myself alloaro but I AM alloaro and I love being alloaro… I don’t wanna stop saying I am but it also feels like there’s more to it?

same anon from before! I read a post of yours about the umm “allos see ‘cake’ and immediately know they want to eat it” and it confuses me … idk what I experience? I see fictional characters and I can go “they look sexy I am attracted to them maybe if want to have sex with them?” I see people and ??? idk sometimes I get unwanted thoughts of having sex with friends when I don’t actually want to or find attractive…I can see people and think they’re sexy/attractive .. but idk if I’d think “yeah I’d have sex with them” I mean it depends bc I think someone can imagine having sex with someone and enjoy it and want it but would they actually wanna seriously have sex with that stranger without having any connection with them…? Sex is scary so I’d need to know and trust them maybe… be scared to show my body..but I don’t think I’d be comfortable calling myself demi? Idk I don’t get this .. do I look at someone and immediately think whether I’d want to have sex with them or not? I really don’t know … also.. so…. Libido is just wanting sex in general and sexual attraction is wanting specific people?… how do I differentiate all of this it’s so confusing! I guess MAYBE I do look at peopl and go “wow they’re pretty/sexy id want sex” BUT I DONT KNOW LIKE IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT… am I not allo WHATS going on here .. can you explain what it would be like to be sex repulsed AND allo instead of ace? and the difference between that and being ace and sex repulsed? thank u

I’m so sorry I’m saying so much I just have no one to talk to :C … but um… someone told me “if you’re sex repulsed .. you’re still allo unless you feel like u don’t relate to being allo anymore” and I’m honestly so confused because…. do my weird feelings towards sex influence my sexuality? do I still feel connected to being allo? personally I feel like these feelings are ones allo people don’t typically have ..plus I’ve always felt bad for not being sexual enough or feeling the same sexual feelings as people/ (also why do I have sex repulsion I don’t think I rlly had much sexual trauma going on.. some little incidents but still??) and if I told allo people these feelings… they would not relate and would think I’m weird for it ..but an ace person might relate and would understand … I feel like it does influence how I see my sexuality/attraction and complicates things…however.. I feel like I can’t call myself acespec bc often I want sex (even with a specific person.. although they look different when I imagine them and also don’t exactly have a Look/face/body in my head..same with me) often and I’m hypersexual so I like over sexualizing myself …plus I like saying I’m alloaro and don’t want to let go of it… nor do I want to ID with a specific ace spec label.. I’d like to just say I’m ace (just like how I call myself aromantic even when I’m specifically gray romantic) why can’t I just be ace and not ace at the same time or in between I don’t know 😭…. what do allos experience how is their life like with sexual attraction and how is someone’s life like without sexual attraction … I don’t get it at alllllll

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw you sent three asks and decided to combine them all in this post to make answering this easier. Just reading these asks are making my head spin, so I can only imagine how confused you must feel. And it's fine that you're sending so many asks- I know what it's like to have no one to talk to about things.

I'll start this off by saying you can call yourself whatever you feel most comfortable calling yourself. And if it's alloaro, then of course you can keep calling yourself alloaro. You do sound like you could fit somewhere on the ace spectrum, but I couldn't tell you where.

A lot of what I'm about to say you might already know, since it sounds like you've been doing your own bit of research, but here I go.

Whether or not you desire sex on its own doesn't determine if you're asexual. If you've never felt any urges to have sex with anyone specific, then you haven't experienced sexual attraction. So it's helpful to remove your interest in sex itself, along with libido, when questioning. Focus it all on if you've wanted sex with anyone in particular. If the answer is no, or very rarely, it's likely you could be on the asexual spectrum. You mentioned you've experienced it towards someone specific, so it sounds to me like you'd be in the gray area, if on it at all.

I will say, it is totally normal to be nervous, and even scared, of having sex at first. A lot of allos are able to get over this fear- possibly because of sexual attraction. I first felt sexual attraction towards my boyfriend, and though I was repulsed, I wanted to do sexual things with him so bad I was able to get over the fear and disgust through slow exposure. So I think sexual attraction on its own is a huge motivator to "get over" sex repulsion and go for it.

Of course, you should never do anything you are not comfortable doing. And never force yourself into doing any sexual activities. A lot of aces have ended up with trauma over that sort of thing. The reason I went for it was because I naturally became comfortable with things escalating as time went on. Kinda like exposure therapy, I guess.

I'm not sure if you already saw it, but I did write this post on an experience I had where I was sex-repulsed by someone I was sexually attracted to. So it is possible to be sex-repulsed and sexually attracted to a person, but I understand how hard it can be to tell for sure.

I can't tell you what it's like to be allo. But other than the few times I've experienced sexual attraction, I lived my life with a libido directed towards no one, fluctuating between being sex-indifferent and repulsed, and occasionally getting a crush I had no sexual attraction towards.

As for what it’s like being sex-repulsed and ace: I can’t imagine having sex with anyone. I just can’t. Every time I get a crush, I try to imagine sex with them, and my brain just shuts that off. It wants nothing to do with those thoughts. Sex-repulsed with sexual attraction: It’s only happened twice and the first time (with my bf) I had no idea wtf was going on and it was 10 years ago so I can’t remember enough to tell you aside from what I’ve already said. The other time though, I wasn’t 100% sure if it was sexual attraction at first- but my body became aroused at the sight of him, and the arousal went away when he left. But when I thought of sex with him, I was grossed out. But I kept forcing myself to think of sex with him, and grew more comfortable with the idea. And the more I thought about it, the more I figured, “hey, maybe I am sexually attracted to him.”

Every person is different though.

I can totally understand your confusion because some of your experiences sound like you’re allo and some sound like you could be acespec. I honestly don’t know what else to say or what answers to give. I will say this though: I strongly doubt any allo has had to question their allosexuality as much as you are.

But circling back to what I first said: you can label yourself as whatever you feel most comfortable with. It’s okay if you don’t fit the exact definitions of an identity 100%. Every person is different, even those sharing the same label. And if you decide your experiences are just too complicated for a label, you don’t need one either.

Sorry if this was all over the place, but I hope it was somewhat helpful!

#asks #side note but if you have any follow up questions i probably won't get to them until tomorrow evening cuz work

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shaekingshitup · 4 years ago

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Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

#bumble #first date #drive in #story time #short stime #i need my mutuals to pray for me #because lordt #deadpool #ryan reynolds #ari lennox #personal #mine #big time sigh #im sorry I can't add the keep reading tab on mobile tk!

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xbaepsae · 5 years ago

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before i ever met you (m)

“You are no fool to the ways of life. You might be the love of Yoongi’s life now, but there is his whole past—before he met you—to account for. The number of people that traversed in and out of his life carried a significance, and you want to know who they are.”

[yoongi x reader]

genre: angsty as hell, smut

word count: 11.8k

a/n: so, this fic has been years in the making. idk why it has taken me so long to write it. i remember posting a wip like a year or two ago concerning this fic, and if you’ve been following me for that long...here it finally is lol. despite the fact that this fic has given me the biggest case of writer’s block, i really really love this fic with all that i am. the idea first came to me pretty random (in the shower lmao), but i think the most random ideas tend to become the most beautiful creations. xoxo

A sigh leaves your mouth.

You lay your head on his chest, fingers gently dancing up and down his bare skin. Yoongi’s body is warm against yours and the steady beating of his heart is all you can hear. This is a position you could stay in forever; in his arms, you feel safe and utterly secure. And as cliché as it sounds, it feels like home. There is nothing else even close to comparison.

His own hands are on you too, one tangled in strands of your hair and the other tracing shapeless images along your bare back. The gentle touches are comforting, so comforting they almost lull you to sleep. Your eyes feel heavy and your body is just so relaxed, but there is a question that you’ve been dying to ask on the tip of your tongue. It’s a question you’ve wondered about for a while now and it gnaws at your mind, keeping you wide awake at night.

You honestly don’t know why you think about it constantly, but you do. It is a rather strange question and you have no idea how Yoongi is going to respond. Although you are unsure of his answer, the curiosity is killing you.

“Tell me about your past loves,” you suddenly voice your thoughts, the words coming out in a whisper. You honestly aren’t even sure if he hears you, but the sudden tension you feel ripple through him says otherwise.

He inhales deeply, exhaling through his lips. “Why do you want to know about that?”

Angling your head back to look at him, a small smile stretches across your face. “Just curious to know who else you’ve loved before me.”

“Who said I loved anyone before you?”

You roll your eyes. “So cheesy, Yoongi.”

“Only for you, love.” The term of endearment almost melts you; keyword almost. For a moment you consider forgetting about the question, but you can’t. It still lingers in your mind. You have to know.

“But really,” you tell him, “tell me about them.”

“I mean…if you really want to know,” Yoongi says, scratching the side of his face.

You get up immediately. “Yes I do!”

You find yourself straddling him, the lower part of your body perfectly aligned with his. Yoongi looks up at you, eyes darkening with an emotion you know all too well. His eyes run down the length of your body, and that’s when you remember that you’re fully exposed to him. You shove him, shaking him out of his daze.

“Not now,” you cross your arms over your chest.

“Well if you don’t want me to take you right now, you better put on a shirt.”

As much as you’d love to have your boyfriend do just that, your curiosity currently outweighs your sexual needs. Getting off the bed, you grab the t-shirt Yoongi was wearing only a few hours ago off the floor and slip it over your head. The shirt barely covers anything, but it covers enough you suppose. “Better?”

Yoongi scrunches his face, “I prefer you sans clothing.”

“Perv,” you mumble as you sit on the edge of the bed. “If I can’t be naked, you have to wear clothes too.”

For a moment, as you watch him slip his boxers back on, neither of you say anything. The silence that fills the room is slightly tense, and you wonder why he is so hesitant to share. You run your fingers over the edge of the bedsheets, waiting for him to say something.

“So…what exactly did you want to know?” He sits up too, back leaning against the wooden headboard.

You shrug. “I just want to know who else has shared a piece of your heart.”

As you say that, one of your hands reaches over to palm the area of his chest where his heart steadily beats underneath. You love the way his heart beats; it’s something so simple, but it means everything to you. Yoongi lifts your hand off his chest and to his lips, pressing a kiss against your knuckles.

“You have all of me,” his eyes stare intently into yours, “mind, soul, body, entire heart—it’s all yours.”

“I know,” you muse, a small smile on your face. “But there were others before me.”

“But they don’t mean anything to me anymore,” he sighs.

“Yes, but they made you, you.”

You are no fool to the ways of life. You might be the love of Yoongi’s life now, but there is his whole past—before he met you—to account for. The number of people that traversed in and out of his life carried a significance, and you want to know who they are. You realize that most girlfriends wouldn’t want to know these things, but you are genuinely curious.

He remains quiet though, thumb rubbing circles into your hand. You open your mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. After what seems like an eternity, and when he doesn’t say anything else, you think the conversation’s ended. You are about to retract your hand when Yoongi surprises you.

“There were four.”

In the time you’ve been blessed to be a part of Min Yoongi’s life, never have you ever heard him sound so quiet and small. He is calm by nature, but once he warms up to people he is loud and unfiltered. You love that about him—how he is this gift that needs to be unwrapped; his personality is full of surprises. And this Yoongi is another surprise you realize, one you have yet to see.

“Four?” you repeat the number, the word sounding weird rolling off your tongue.

He nods once. “Yeah, there were four people I loved before you.”

You feel your chest constrict for a moment, a weird bubble of—dare you say it—envy creeping up on you. The feeling is so absurd, you want to laugh. Why are you feeling this way? You’re the one who is been pestering Yoongi to open up. But you realize it’s because you love him so much. You push the green bug away and offer him a smile. After all, this is what you wanted.

“Could you tell me about them?” For a second, his hands tighten around yours before loosening them up again.

“Anything for you, love,” he smiles gently.

***

Yoongi was seven.

And like most seven-year-olds, not much plagued his mind. All he ever wanted to do was play outside with his friends; he hated being restricted inside during school hours. In his classroom, he sat by the window and spent the majority of his days gazing longingly out at the world beyond the glass. Despite the desire to go out and embrace freedom, there was one thing that made staying inside a little better.

“Hi, Yoongi!”

He looked over and saw a wide smile with a missing tooth right in the middle. Even without that tooth, her smile was still contagious; Yoongi found himself smiling back with an equally wide grin.

“Hi,” the boy replied, feeling his heart swell.

“Is there anyone sitting with you?” It was lunch hour, and he had been sitting by himself since the friend he always sat with was out sick that day. Yoongi shook his head, indicating there was no one else. “Can I sit with you then?”

“Sure,” was his immediate response to her question. She smiled again and took the seat next to him, opening her lunch box.

Yoongi had always thought of this girl as a friend, he thought of everyone in his class as his friend, but they weren’t close enough that he’d expect her to eat lunch with him. He wasn’t even sure she thought the same of him. Because of that, he couldn’t help but suddenly ask why she was sitting here.

“Because you’re my friend, and friends don’t let other friends eat alone.” The response surprised him a bit.

“You consider me one of your friends?” he asked her, feeling flustered.

“Of course.”

After that lunch, Yoongi felt like his whole life changed. He found he liked being around her, a lot.

As he started hanging out with the girl more and more, nearly forgetting about his other friends in the process, their friendship grew. Through the time he spent with her, he discovered her likes and dislikes—how she liked milk flavored candy, but disliked fish cakes. He made sure to bring her milk flavored candy whenever he could.

Never did Yoongi think he would become so attached to a girl. Especially a girl he had only been close to for a short time.

“Do you like her?” his friend, Namjoon, asked one day at lunch.

“No,” Yoongi scoffed, “why would you even say that?”

“Because you keep looking at her, you idiot.”

She wasn’t sitting with him today, she had other friends of her own and Namjoon was sitting with him anyway. But even though she was tables away, he was still seeking her out in the crowd.

He attempted to defend himself, “That doesn’t mean anything.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

When he went home that night, he pondered over Namjoon’s question; did he like her? Yoongi wasn’t even really sure what it meant to like someone like that. And as he sat to have dinner with his family, the question was brought up.

“Do you like someone?” his mother questioned.

“No,” he said, keeping his cool. “I just want to know the signs, just in case I ever do.”

“Well, when I realized I liked your mom,” his father started, “I remember staring at her a lot, thinking about how beautiful she was and I thought about her a lot as well.”

Yoongi thought about this for a moment. “So, when I think a girl is pretty it means I like her?”

“No, no,” his mother shook her head, “there’s more. When you like someone, there’s this intense feeling inside of you. You want to be around them, talk to them—and the funny thing is, you don’t even know why you feel that way.”

When Yoongi laid in his bed that night, unable to sleep, he realized that he did like this girl; all the signs were there. He wanted to be around her all the time and he didn’t know why. Her smile made him happy. This newfound truth weighed heavily on his shoulders. What was he supposed to say to her?

The next day at school, he found her sitting on the swings alone. This was his chance. He walked over to her, taking a seat on the next swing over. As he sat beside her, she barely looked up at him.

“Oh, hey Yoongi.” She sounded sad, and he wanted to know why.

“Are you okay?”

She shook her head, “No.”

“What’s wrong?”

Her head was down, hair falling and brushing against her legs. She was quiet for a moment, not saying anything. Yoongi asked his question again, prompting her to speak. When she finally raised her head, tears were pooling in her eyes. “No one likes me.”

The comment shocked him. “What? Why are you saying that?”

More tears fell. “Because there’s a boy who likes my friend, but no one likes me.”

“But I like you,” Yoongi suddenly blurted and she snapped her eyes to meet his.

“You—you do?”

He nodded, softly reaching for her head. “Of course.” Yoongi said these words like there was no other possible option.

Wiping her eyes, she sniffed a couple of times while clutching tightly onto his hand. Yoongi swore that his heart skipped a beat that day. Who knew that holding hands with someone could do that? After the moment on the playground, Yoongi found himself holding her hand more and more—it was always in private though; no one else knew about it. But even though they told no one, everyone could see that there was an undeniable spark between them.

“You like her.”

Yoongi scowled at Namjoon, even though butterflies were threatening to erupt inside of him. “No.”

His friend rolled his eyes. “I’m your best friend, dude. I know.”

“Really?” He thought that he had hidden everything well.

“It’s obvious,” Namjoon laughed, “just ask her to be your girlfriend already.”

Girlfriend? Yoongi hadn’t even thought that far. All he knew for sure was that he liked this girl—he liked her very much—but for her to become his girlfriend was something entirely new. He must have made a strange face because soon Namjoon began to explain what he had to do to ask her out. The information was nearly too much to handle, but he still listened intently.

“Dude, all you’ve got do is go up to her and ask the question.” Namjoon made it seem easy, but it really wasn’t at all.

Internally, he was freaking out. But Yoongi decided it needed to be done, and one day during their free time outside, he pulls her aside and the question tumbles out of his mouth. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

For a moment, she just looked at him with wide eyes. This was the point at which his fear skyrocketed. He began to regret his words, suddenly wishing he could just take it all back. And just as he was about to apologize for scaring her, she did something that made the blood rise to his face.

She wrapped her arms around him in a hug. “Okay.”

Her answer made him so happy, he could barely contain the excitement. Yoongi hugged her back with a smile that stretched from ear-to-ear. She was now his girlfriend and he couldn’t be happier. Their relationship was wonderful. Even though they were dating, they saw it more like a friendship than anything else. And for a while, Yoongi believed that he may actually be with this girl forever. When you’re seven, time is relative. But everything can change in the blink of an eye.

At the end of the school year, everyone was getting excited for the long break. But the only two people not excited were Yoongi and the girl who had come to mean so much to him.

“I can’t believe you’re moving when school is done.”

She looked over at him, a sad smile on her face. “I don’t want to leave you.”

He clasped her hand in his. “I don’t want you to go either.”

As much as Yoongi wanted her to stay with him, it just wasn’t going to happen. He watched as she boarded a plane with her family, tears falling from his eyes, to the other side of the world.

***

“That’s so sad.”

Yoongi laughs a little to relieve the situation, “It was, but it happened so long ago. Majority of the time, I question if she was even real or if I just conjured her up in my imagination.”

“Still,” you say. “Can’t believe you had a girlfriend at the age of seven.”

He laughs harder, “I was seven, okay? I don’t think it even really counts. Besides, I’m sure she has also forgotten about it.”

You think about that for a moment. “I’m sure that if she still crosses your mind now, then you must in hers too.”

“Who knows,” Yoongi shrugs. “But I’m sure she’s happy, wherever she is now.”

“You were adorable, Min Yoongi,” you smile, referring to the way your boyfriend’s seven-year-old self was. Children really are the most innocent little things.

Yoongi mock frowns. “Are you saying that I’m not adorable anymore?”

“I think you’re more than that.”

And you mean it. He sees the sincerity in your eyes and raises your hand, which is still tightly clutched in his, towards his lips before he tells you about the second person he loved before you.

***

Yoongi was thirteen.

And almost positive that whatever strange feeling he was feeling at the moment was love. But still, there was a lingering doubt in his mind—mostly fear that the girl would reject him—and worry that he would make a total fool of himself. He didn’t know how to talk to girls or how to even approach one. But this one girl was just so pretty; he couldn’t stop thinking about her.

“I think I’m in love,” Yoongi said for what seemed like the thousandth time.

“We know,” Namjoon rolled his eyes.

Namjoon had come over to do homework, but all the contributions Yoongi had made towards their work was talk about this girl. “Like, wow, she’s just so—wow.”

“Can you shut up for a minute and help me figure out this math problem? This homework isn’t going to do itself,” his friend threw a pencil straight at Yoongi’s face. “Why do you even like her so much anyway?”

Where was Yoongi even to begin? He started rattling off about how smart she was, and how nice she was, and also how pretty she was. “She’s the whole package, dude.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever talked to her before.”

Yoongi froze. “Yes I have.”

The reaction caused Namjoon to break into a fit of laughter. “Oh my god, Yoongi, you haven’t had a single conversation with her—I don’t think she even knows you exist.”

“We’re lab partners.” It seemed like Yoongi was trying to convince himself more than anything. “We talk all the time.”

“Talking about chemical reactions is not the same thing as a normal conversation,” Namjoon said before turning his attention back to the homework.

Maybe his friend was right; Yoongi really hadn’t had a legit conversation with her before. Then, a horrifying thought filled his mind: does she even know my name? The thought nearly made him sick. He decided then and there that he was going to make sure this girl knew him. He would start the next day.

And Yoongi was true to his words.

In chemistry, he started a conversation with her and to his relief, she hadn’t totally brushed him away. Surprisingly, she actually seemed like she wanted to talk to him. They had a simple conversation and even exchanged phone numbers. He was making some progress.

“You can call me, and I’ll help you with the lab questions,” she said, and he only smiled, satisfied that he managed to get her number. He really didn’t help with the homework.

“Sounds good,” he replied.

That night, after he had dinner and finished his homework, he called her for the first time and listened to her talk about their lab questions that he finished already. He liked the way she talked to herself, as if he wasn’t on the phone with her; it was cute and he felt his heart swell with affection.

The next day at school, he saw her again in chemistry and he tried to contain the goofy smile he was sporting. “Thanks for helping me with the questions.”

She smiled. “No problem—did you want to work on the homework again tonight?”

The cycle of calling one another about homework continued for months, and each time Yoongi felt himself falling just a little bit more for her. They didn’t even talk about anything but chemistry, but he didn’t care. What was important was that he got to talk to her. Eventually, holding his feelings in was becoming a little too much to handle.

“Ask her to the dance,” Namjoon suggested.

Yoongi looked deadpan at his friend. “I don’t dance.”

“That’s not the point, dude.”

“Why would I ask someone to the dance if I don’t even want to go?” he asked; wouldn’t that just be a waste of time?

Now, it was Namjoon’s turn to look deadpanned. “You’re fucking dumb; it’s not about the actual dancing—it’s the fact that you like her. You ask people you like to the dance.”

Oh. “Makes sense,” Yoongi said sheepishly.

“So, are you going to ask her?” Namjoon asked.

Yoongi wasn’t sure. Should he ask? He didn’t want to get rejected. Then again, he was scared of rejection before and she hadn’t turned him away.

The next time he saw her in class, he waited to walk her to the next class. The whole time they walked across the school, he was nervous and running the words he would say over and over in his head. Just as she was about to say goodbye, he blurted the words.

“Would you go to the dance with me?” he asked, relieved that the words came out correctly.

He watched her face for an answer, but she didn’t move for a moment. Slowly, regret started to fill Yoongi and his throat ceased to find the right words to say. But before he could make some lame excuse, she grabbed his hand and smiled. It was a smile that made everything seem okay.

“Sure, I’ll go with you Yoongi,” she said and walked into her class. Yoongi didn’t know how long he stood outside that classroom door, it must’ve been a while because the door ended up getting shut in his face. Behind the door, he heard a galore of giggles and a louder voice telling everyone to be quiet. He eventually moved away from the door and went to his own class. And for the rest of the day, he couldn’t even focus because every thought was filled with her.

When the night of the dance came around, Yoongi was so nervous he could barely think or eat. He paced around his room the entire day, running various scenarios of the night through his head. There were many different possible outcomes. He hoped that none of the bad outcomes would come true

“Relax, bro.”

Namjoon came over to help Yoongi get ready. He had begged his best friend to attend the dance, but Namjoon claimed that he had better things to do.

“I’m still pissed that you aren’t going,” Yoongi side-eyed his friend.

“I’m busy later,” Namjoon said, repeating the same words he used earlier.

Yoongi scoffed, “Doing what? Playing video games?”

“Obviously.”

“I don’t know why I’m still so nervous.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why either,” Namjoon sighed. “I mean, you already got the girl to talk to you and go to the dance with you—what more is there?”

His eyes widened. “This could make or break everything.”

“You’ll be fine—trust me.”

After an hour of pacing back and forth, Yoongi left with his mother to pick her up. The entire ride there, he begged his mother not to say anything embarrassing. It also didn’t help that he was literally sweating bullets. Soon enough, they pulled up to her house and Yoongi nervously walked to her door and rang the bell.

Immediately, he heard footsteps near the door and he began to tense up. Within a few seconds, the lock on the doors made noise and opened up.

“Hello…” Yoongi began, but then stopped when he realized there was an actual angel standing before him.

“Hey, Yoongi.”

Prior to this moment, he had spent days practicing what he was going to say to her. He was always worried about looking like an absolute fool in front of her, and now he really was looking super dumb. He was sure that his mouth was dropped open and that a fly had made its way inside already, but he was at a complete loss for words.

She called his name a few more times, concern creasing her eyes, and that managed to bring Yoongi out of his stupor. He blinked a few times before proceeding to tell her that she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. She laughed at the word creature, and he would later kick himself for that. They went to the dance and had the best time of their lives, and Yoongi returned her home just shortly before midnight. She gave him a chaste kiss on his cheek, and he asked her to be his girlfriend sometime later that week. Everything after that became a blur.

The first year of their relationship was great—Yoongi felt like the luckiest guy in the world. She made him feel special and he loved her; yes, he was that guy who dropped the l-bomb shortly after they first got together. But he meant it though. As for the second year, Yoongi thought it was great as well…but it clearly had been one-sided.

When you’re young and in love, you’re blinded.

Yoongi clearly hadn’t seen all of the signs. He clearly hadn’t been paying close enough attention. All the times that she said she was busy, or all the times that she had to cut their phone calls short. Why didn’t he realize sooner? Because it was obvious to everyone else.

It was a little before the start of their third year that Yoongi came to his senses. Well, it was mostly because everyone else kept telling him things. Your girl is cheating on you, they all said. You’re all lying, he had replied. She loves me…doesn’t she?

The truth always has its way of revealing itself, and when the truth of the matter finally came to light all he wanted to know was: why?

Why did she do it?

Why did she lie?

Why did it have to be him?

Why?

***

Your boyfriend finishes this segment of his life with a heavy sigh.

“What a bitch.” There were many other obscenities you could’ve said, but it would take hours. You’re holding onto Yoongi’s hand so tightly, your fingernails are digging little crescents into his skin. You feel so angry knowing that Yoongi had to go through all of that shit.

No one deserves to be cheated on.

“It was a pretty shitty situation.”

You don’t even know what to say to him. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It happened,” he sighs, and then a twisted smile crooks at his lip, “but you’ll never guess who I fell for after this.”

Releasing your hold on him, you narrow your eyes. “Don’t tell me that you slept with the entire school population to act out your revenge.”

Yoongi nearly falls over in laughter at your words, and for a moment you believe that he did exactly just that. “No—but close.”

“Oh my god.”

“Chill, love; I’m not that crazy.”

***

Yoongi was sixteen.

And heartbroken.

“Cheer up, dude.”

He scowled at Namjoon, the only guy who's been there since day one. “Shut the fuck up.”

It was already terrible enough that everyone looked at him at school like some sorry case; he didn’t need his best friend to be sorry for him too. He was tired of this shit. He might have been cheated on, but so what?

“Just trying to help,” Namjoon sighed, hands tightening around the steering wheel.

“I don’t need help.”

His friend snickered, “Yeah, you need a drink.”

Yoongi turned with another scowl plastered onto his face. Normally, he would’ve turned down Namjoon’s offer of attending things like this, but it was getting exhausting just staying at home and wallowing in his sadness. Yoongi fucking hated parties—well, any type of crowd for that matter. Although he hated how true his friend’s words were sometimes, Namjoon was right—he did need a drink. And the goal was to get plastered tonight.

With the end of the school year approaching, it also meant that everyone was starting to throw the biggest, wildest parties. Yoongi had never been interested in attending, but maybe the change would be good.

“What are you going to do if you see her tonight?”

“How do you know she will even come?” Yoongi asked. Yes, there was no doubt his heart had been torn out of his chest and stomped on like nothing, but he was more pissed than anything.

Namjoon shrugged. “She was at the last party.”

That was shocking. In the nearly three years they dated, Yoongi never figured her to be one to party. He always thought that she was like him—a bit quiet, and much more preferring a night in instead of going out. Now that he thought about it, maybe he didn’t know her as well as he thought.

“I don’t care,” and it was party true—he really didn’t care about her anymore, but the pain was still lingering.

Soon, they pulled up to a building and Yoongi suddenly regretted leaving his bed. Namjoon had to drive around the street because there were so many people—everywhere. He wanted so badly to tell his friend just to take him home already; he was done for the night.

“Taehyung really outdid himself this year,” Namjoon laughed as he managed to snag an empty spot on the curb. “You should’ve seen the party he threw last year—shit was crazy.”

Yoongi got out of the car with a frown. “How do you even know this guy?”

It was an honest question though. The only time he ever saw Namjoon, he was alone. And it was only ever the two of them who hung out. Yoongi wasn’t sure when, or where, his friend suddenly became a social butterfly. For as long as he could remember, it was always just the two of them together.

“Met him in my art class last year. You know, for such a popular dude, he sure geeks out when it comes to Van Gogh.”

“When did you get so many new friends?”

Namjoon walked beside him, standing a few inches taller than him—which he hated. “Well, after you got a girlfriend and things started getting serious between you two, we didn’t really hang much anymore, you know?”

Ouch. As much as Yoongi hated to admit it, that was pretty true. He had become that guy: the one who devoted all his time to his girlfriend. And he hated that he became that way, especially since his girlfriend turned out to be such a bitch. All the time that he wasted made him so pissed off. “Sorry, dude.”

His friend laughed. “It’s fine, Yoongi—let’s just focus on the goal on hand tonight.”

And the second they walk through the door, Namjoon held true to that goal because a drink just seemed to magically find itself in Yoongi’s hand. One too many drinks later, he felt it…and it was fucking amazing. Who knew alcohol was so great? Everything was just ten times funnier— Namjoon tripped over his own feet trying to dance and Yoongi nearly pissed himself from laughter. It was great. Really, really great.

Eventually, he came to the realization that he needed to pee really bad and probably needed to drink something that wasn’t alcoholic. And he briefly wondered if parties even had water. He yelled over the blaring music, telling Namjoon that he was going to the bathroom. Did Namjoon even hear him? Yoongi didn’t hang out long enough to really see.

He wandered around Taehyung’s house—who by the way, was actually a really cool dude—brain feeling all sloshed up. He opened various doors to check for a bathroom, it was a really big house, and found one tucked away in a random hallway. Yoongi did his business and splashed water all over his face, trying to sober the fuck up because someone needed to be able to drive home. From the look of it outside, his friend was not going to be able to drive.

Yoongi lost track of how long he was in the bathroom for. He wasn’t sure if hours or minutes passed him by. But when he eventually left the room, he was feeling almost like himself again. Wandering back around the house, he searched for Namjoon and his lanky self. Searching with no luck, Yoongi leaned himself against a wall and decided that he’ll just wait for his friend to appear. But while he waited, something else caught his eyes.

The first thought that had popped into his mind was this: she was so damn hot.

As she passed him, she turned for a second to look at him. The gaze in her eyes was unreadable, but he swore that he saw a spark of interest light her irises. And as fast as she was there, she was gone.

Yoongi blinked once and lost her in the crowd. Immediately, he lifted off the wall and followed her. He didn’t know why he followed, but he was intrigued and she was probably the hottest girl he had ever seen. Also, that look had to mean something. But as he searched through the throngs of people, he didn’t find her. Instead, he found Namjoon.

“Yoongi,” Namjoon slurred his name. His name should’ve been two simple, short syllables of yoon and gi; but with drunk Namjoon, it sounded like yooooooonnggggggiii. “I found you!”

“I thought I was the one who was supposed to be shit-faced tonight,” he laughed.

“I thought you were?”

“Someone has to be able to drive, buddy.” It was then decided that he had to take his clumsy friend home before he got too drunk. Which was actually great because Namjoon threw up the second Yoongi pulled into his driveway.

That night, Yoongi wasn’t able to sleep. He didn’t know why, but he thought about that girl at the party and just couldn’t get over the way she looked at him. Was she looking at him? For all he knew, he’d probably never see her again.

Thankfully, it was the weekend and that meant Yoongi could forget about school for a few days and Namjoon could nurse the hefty hangover he would have in the morning. But the weekend passed in a blur of sleep and procrastination, and Monday morning rolled around faster than anyone anticipated.

Namjoon picked up Yoongi bright and early, since he didn’t have a car yet, and they reminisced in the car about the past weekend. Yoongi wanted to mention the girl, but now wasn’t sure if that was even real or not. Maybe his slightly tipsy haze imagined it all. When they arrived at school, they parted ways—Yoongi going to Trigonometry and Namjoon to History. The majority of Yoongi’s day was rather mundane; he did catch a moment where him and his ex-girlfriend passed each other, which was awkward. Thank god that they didn’t have classes together.

By the end of the day, he was ready to go home and sleep. He was tired of people and their stares of pity. When the last bell of the day rang, he walked towards the entrance of the school where he already knew Namjoon was waiting. And he nearly made it to the double doors when something—or rather, someone—bumped into him. Books and papers fell onto the floor, just like the movies.

“Oh, shit—I’m so sorry!” the person apologized before Yoongi could even get anything out.

He laughed a bit, awkwardly helping them pick up their things. “It’s fine. Are you okay?”

The person looked up and Yoongi stared a little longer than should be deemed normal. But he just kept staring because it was the girl from the party, the one who passed by him.

“I’m great,” she smiled, which brought Yoongi out of the daze he was in. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he smiled back.

She grabbed the rest of her things off the floor before she turned back to him. “You didn’t happen to go the party at Taehyung’s place this weekend, did you?”

“I did, actually,” he said. “You were there too, right?”

“I think we saw each other,” and her eyes flashed that same emotion Yoongi saw the other night for a split second. “Are you going to the one this weekend too?”

Yoongi nodded without a second thought.

“Cool, see you there…” she trailed off before asking for his name, “Yoongi.”

She sauntered away and suddenly he couldn’t wait for the weekend to arrive. The rest of that school week, Yoongi didn’t see her again. He also told Namjoon about her, and after a brief description, he found out who she was. From what Namjoon said, she was good friends with Taehyung and a year above them.

“Did you hear about the party this weekend?” Yoongi asked Namjoon one day.

Namjoon laughed. “Of course. Why?”

“Well, we’re going.”

“Now you want to go to parties?”

Yoongi shrugged. “I mean, why not?”

“It’s because of her, isn’t it?”

“Of course not,” he said.

Saturday night arrived and Yoongi found himself back in Namjoon’s car. But unlike the other day, he wasn’t dreading the crowds or loud music—he was actually excited for what the night had in store for him. He also really fucking hoped that the girl showed up and he wasn’t being a total fool.

Just like the week before, he lost himself in a few drinks. But before he could get too wasted, he saw her and she was just as hot—if not more so—than he remembered. Without saying a thing, she lured him with her eyes and Yoongi followed like a puppy. He followed her into an empty room and she locked it right behind them.

“Let me be honest, Yoongi,” she began, “I think you’re cute.”

She took a seat on the edge of the bed and Yoongi felt the breath knock out of him. “Really?”

“Really,” she laughed and leaned back. “But I do know about that little ex-girlfriend of yours…so…”

Yoongi watched as she raised a finger, motioning him to come closer. And he did until there was nothing but a few inches standing between them. She leaned back up, eyes level with his black belt.

“I’m not looking for a serious relationship,” she looked up, looking so pretty to him. “I leave for college in a few months, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun…right?”

He wasn’t stupid, but he also wasn’t sure if she was serious about her implication either. It sounded too good to be true. But as she patted the space on the bed beside her, Yoongi realized she was being serious. He fell onto the bed, and without a warning, she leaned and kissed him. Through the kiss, it obvious that she was much more experienced than he was.

She made her way down, pressing her lips against his jaw and throat before she pushed him down onto the bed.

“Let me be honest, too,” Yoongi breathed, “I haven’t done this before.”

“Didn’t you date your ex for almost three years?” she twisted her head up, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face.

“We did some things, but she wasn’t ready to go all the way,” he shrugged.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” Her eyes were sincere, and he kissed her again just to tell her it was okay. He wanted this.

Reaching for the buckle of his belt, she loosened it and unbuttoned his jeans. Yoongi lifted himself up to help her get the jeans off, and she dragged them down his legs. Her hands danced their way back up his body before settling around his thighs.

Nothing but a simple blowjob happened that night—she claimed that she didn’t want to take away his virtue…yet. When Yoongi came all over her hand, he nearly came again when he watched her tongue lap away to lick every last drop. When she finished, she leaned back up and gave him the prettiest smile.

“Not bad,” the smile morphed into a smirk. “I thought you were going to ejaculate prematurely.”

All Yoongi could do was laugh at how technical her words sounded. “Just because I haven’t had sex before doesn’t mean I can’t control myself.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see how well you do then, Min Yoongi.”

After that night, every time Yoongi thought about her he became hard. And it always happened in the most inconvenient of situations. Perhaps, he wasn’t as controlled as he thought he was. Eventually, they did have sex and Yoongi swore he was in love.

Throughout that whole summer, she snuck into his bedroom through the window and slipped into his bed. As crude as it sounded, she was great in bed and taught him a lot about what he liked and didn’t like. And as the new school year approached, Yoongi realized that any night could be the last night.

“When do you leave for school?” he asked one night, post-coital.

She played with the sheets covering them. “Soon.”

“Soon?” he laughed a little at the vague comment.

“Don’t worry, Yoongi,” she patted his chest. “You’ll be fine.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “I’ve already told all the girls I know that you’re great in bed. You’ll get pussy.”

Yoongi broke into laughter. “I’m not worried about that.”

“Oh—we’re cocky now?” she laughed. “What are you worried about then?”

Losing you. “Nothing, just gonna miss this.”

“It’s been fun,” she admitted.

Yoongi wasn’t sure why it was so hard for him to admit his feelings out loud. Maybe it was because their relationship wasn’t even a relationship at all—they were just friends with benefits, and he was the dumb one who caught the feels. “Yeah, it really has.”

“Can I blow you?”

He almost laughed; they had been doing this for what seemed like forever now—she really didn’t have to ask. But it was cute that she still did. He nodded before she gave him the briefest of kisses and then traveled down his body. For some reason, Yoongi felt like it was the last time. There was just something so finite about her movements and the way she stared at him from underneath her lashes.

And he was right.

***

“Then, by the end of summer, she was gone.”

You stare at the way Yoongi’s lips turn up, into a smile, for a brief moment before they fall again. A sigh leaves your mouth at the story—she was basically the one who got away. And as if he can read what you’re thinking, his eyes meet yours. “What?”

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous,” he smirks.

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you clear your throat, “What do I have to be jealous of?”

“Because she was my first time.”

“I don’t care about that.”

Yoongi chuckles a bit. “You care about a lot of things. Hence the reason you didn’t have sex until you met me.”

You lean over to throw a punch into his side. Okay, so what if you didn’t have wild, rampant sex with random people? That’s just not something you ever cared for. Not that you overly valued your virginity or anything; you didn’t care about staying pure or whatever. What you did care about, was the fact that you wanted to save that piece of yourself for someone special—someone you cared for, and vice versa. “And?”

“I’m glad it was me.”

And maybe your insides soften just a little. “Me too.”

He picks up your hand in his, rubbing absentminded circles into your skin. “I have one more person to tell you about.”

The girl he was with before you. “Okay.”

“I have to warn you, though,” he begins, “it’s not exactly the…easiest story to tell.”

Your expression softens. “Okay.”

***

Yoongi was twenty-one.

And ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure this girl was the one. Never in his life had he ever been so sure about anything.

Call him young and dumb, perhaps even broke considering he was fresh out of college and jobless, but he just knew. That point-one percent of uncertainty came from the fact that she just started grad school; Yoongi remembered a vivid conversation they had about the future, and she was adamant about getting her doctorate or whatever, which made him feel like an idiot because he still didn’t know what he wanted in life post-grad.

She was too good for him, but he couldn’t let her go. Not that easily.

They had met in freshman composition—that stupid university writing class that determined if people were smart enough to go through the rest of university—and she helped him immensely with his writing, enough to give him a solid B average in the class. And after that, one thing led to another, and Yoongi was smitten. Yoongi had been in love a few times before, but it was nothing compared to the way he felt with her. Call it a cliché, but she was the love who made all the other loves irrelevant.

“Did you buy me those bagels I wanted?” she asked him one day.

“Uh…” Yoongi paused mid-putting the groceries away, “no.”

She was sitting on the couch, a stack of papers in her hands. As she spoke, he could hear the pout in her voice, “You always forget.”

“I’m sorry that you consume bagels at an alarmingly fast rate,” he laughed. “I thought we still had more, so that’s why I didn’t buy any.”

He walked into the living space and leaned against the wall watching her work. There were many things that he loved about her, but one thing in particular was that she was so driven. He remembered her pulling all-nighters for the GRE, stressed that she wasn’t going to pass; but then she got her results back and acceptances from multiple graduate schools—he could still picture her smile and the tears that sprang from her eyes.

“But you know how much I love bagels.”

“I think you have an addiction,” Yoongi said before he walked the rest of the distance towards her.

She looked up, a smile stretched across her face. “Maybe.”

He leaned down to press a chaste kiss against her forehead. “What you are working on?”

“Homework,” she sighed, “well, I’m not actually doing homework—I’m grading it. Basically, the same shit.”

She went on explain to him that the papers were from the class that she was currently a TA for. Yoongi continued to listen as she went on about how much work this professor gave, and how she had to do all the work for them. Not only this, but she still had her own classes on top of it all too. He felt bad, but he wasn’t sure how to help.

“I’m sorry,” was all he managed to say after her rant. Still, she offered him a smile that made the world seem like it was okay.

“It’s not your fault,” she shrugged. “I did this to myself.”

Yoongi cracked a smile. “You made it through the throes of undergrad, so I think you’ll overcome it.”

“You mean, you made it through the throes of undergrad. I actually liked undergrad—if it wasn’t for me, you probably wouldn’t have graduated.”

“I beg to differ,” he cleared his throat. “I’m quite the genius.”

She laughed. “Sure, says the same person who didn’t even know what a thesis statement was.”

Yoongi felt another rebuttal itching at his throat but before he could get out a witty comment, she grabbed the collar of his shirt and brought their lips together. She didn’t deepen the kiss right away, pulling back and whispering for him to shut up before her tongue grazed his lower lip. Yoongi fell onto the couch beside her at the action, pressing himself closer to her.

Somewhere in-between kissing and papers being set aside on the table, she told Yoongi that she was in need of a study break. That was all he needed to hear to slip his shirt over his head and reach for the hem of hers. Their lips began to move more fervently, hands exploring more of each other’s body. Yoongi’s fingers moved underneath the waistband of her leggings and began to rub her clit. She arched her body, fingers digging into his arm.

“If you keep doing that, I’m going to come.”

“That’s the goal,” he groaned, running his tongue down the length of her neck. After a few minutes, she moaned his name and convulsed as her orgasm hit.

His pulled his fingers out and then popped them into his mouth, licking her juices. She watched him with wide, dilated eyes. Yoongi lowered his mouth back down to hers, and she took the opportunity to loosen the buckle of his jeans. She pulled his cock out, thumb running over the swollen tip.

Not wasting any more time, he helped her out of the rest of her clothes and then pushed his length inside of her. Her legs wrapped around his waist in a vice grip as he built a steady rhythm.

“Fuck, Yoongi,” she moaned. “Fuck me harder, yeah?”

Yoongi rested the majority of his weight on his forearms as his thrusts became harder. He leaned into the crook of her neck and lightly bit down on the sensitive skin there. A little hum of pleasure left his lips when her body jerked against him as a reaction. She tugged at his hair, her moans getting louder.

“You like that?”

All she could reply with were a string of moans. He could tell she was getting close to another orgasm by the way she tensed up. Nails dug into his scalp and her breath hot by his ear, but Yoongi didn’t care. His own release was nearing.

“I’m gonna…” she trailed off before her body shook in ecstasy.

As Yoongi felt her clench around him, his thrusts became sloppier. Within seconds, he pulled out and cum splattered all over her exposed stomach. For a moment, neither of them spoke—just the gentle hum of the air conditioner and their heavy breaths filled the room.

“You know,” she began, “you can just come inside me.”

“Because you’re on the pill,” he rolled his eyes with a smile. “You do know that the pill is only ninety-nine-point-seven percent effective?”

“And?” she returned his smile.

He reached for his discarded shirt to wipe her skin. “Are you saying you want to have my children?”

“You know that we can’t have kids right now,” she pouted, and for a second Yoongi wondered if she ever dreamed about their future like he did sometimes. It would be a lie to say his heart didn’t ache at the thought of their little mini-me’s running around, and it was the good kind of aching. He stared down at her flushed face and messy face and fuck—he was in love with this woman.

“Exactly why I pulled out, babe,” he leaned down to press a kiss on her lips. “Now, I’ll let you return to your studies.”

After that, the days seemed to fly by. Before they knew it, weeks and months also went by in the blink of an eye. And without realizing, the year also just seemed to disappear before them. She was halfway through grad school and each day, Yoongi felt more and more restless. He managed to snag a corporate job, but it wasn’t something he imagined himself to be doing. Ever.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful for the opportunity, but he was a creative soul—his cubicle only seemed to drain the life out of him. Also, more than ever, Yoongi thought about his future with her. There was just something about this transitional period of life—he felt like everyone was settling down. All his friends seemed to be getting married or having kids and he was just sitting there, watching it all happen.

Yoongi didn’t know why it bothered him so much. He just knew that she was the one, and he wanted to put a ring on it.

“My friend Namjoon is getting married,” he mentioned one day, as they ate dinner.

Her face lit up. “Really?”

She wasn’t the only one who was surprised. Yoongi couldn’t believe it either—that fucker was getting married before him. He never pictured someone like Namjoon settling down; in fact, he couldn’t even remember Namjoon ever seriously dating. “I know.”

“That’s so crazy,” she sipped her glass of wine. “I couldn’t even imagine.”

Yoongi tensed. “Imagine what?”

“Getting married at our age.”

“Why? Do you think it’s weird?” He didn’t know why he felt so defensive about this topic, but he did.

“Not weird, per se,” she shook her head. “I don’t know. I just feel like, like there’s more to life than just marriage. I mean, look at us—we’re career-driven people. I really want to have my life somewhat established before I officially settle down.”

Well, shit. That felt like a kick to the stomach.

He lingered on the way she said the word marriage; how her brows had furrowed, and her lips practically spit the word out like it was poison or something. Did she really hate the idea that much? To him, marriage honestly didn’t seem like a bad idea at all. If she knew what he was thinking, Yoongi knew that she wouldn’t know how to react.

“Okay,” he said before changing the topic of conversation.

Although Yoongi hadn’t said anything his thoughts concerning marriage, it seemed like there was a lingering elephant in the room. The topic wasn’t brought up again, but every time he looked at her, that’s all he could think about. Yoongi knew that she was thinking the same thing too.

He tried to press the thoughts away. He didn’t want to bring up marriage again if it upset her because no matter what, he loved her—married or not. If she didn’t want to marry yet, then so be it. Yoongi could suck it up. It didn’t matter the status of their relationship; all that mattered was that they were together, right?

As the weeks went by, and the elephant only seemed to grow, something else began to sprout: Yoongi’s need for something to channel his pent-up frustration towards. He had never been one to depend on anything, but with her being consumed in her studies and him working a fucking menial office job—he needed something.

In college, alcohol had never really done anything for him. The only time he drank gluttonously was in high school. And now, he rarely drank—except for the occasional beer and wine she kept in the apartment. But something changed. Yoongi found that alcohol was actually kind of comforting. He could finally understand why people were drawn to the fermented liquid. It helped him forget the fact that the girl he was absolutely in love with didn’t want to marry him.

Of course, it didn’t take long for her to notice the subtle changes in his behavior. That’s the thing that happens when you’re dating someone and living with them—you begin to notice even the smallest of differences.

“You bought another bottle?” she called from the kitchen. Yoongi was nursing a drink in his hand—some kind of mixture. He really didn’t pay attention. Not anymore. When he didn’t respond to her, she walked over to him. “Yoongi?”

“What?”

She sighed, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said rather dismissively. “I’m just pregaming before we meet Namjoon and his fiancée later.”

“Sure.”

Technically, it wasn’t a lie. The plan was to meet up with their friends later. Thankfully, she didn’t press on about the issue. A few hours later, he gave Namjoon a hug and gave a smile towards the girl curled around his arm. Yoongi had met her a few times, but he never thought that she would be the one for his longest friend.

“Ahmee and I were just talking about you two,” Namjoon smiled.

“Oh yeah?” he asked, trying to not sound so tense.

His friend laughed. “Nothing bad—just that we’re surprised you two aren’t already a married couple. I mean, you guys practically act like one.”

Yoongi froze; and beside him, she released a forced laugh.

“Ha—you guys are so funny,” she said, arms tightening around him. “I think Yoongi and are enjoying our time just as we are.”

“So, no plans at all?” Ahmee spoke up and Yoongi wished she could just shut up.

“No,” he quickly said, downing the drink in his hand immediately. “We’re busy establishing our careers.”

Every word that dripped out of Yoongi’s lips felt like a knife stabbing to his chest. He wanted to scream that he had every intention to marry and move onto the next step in his relationship—it was her that was against it.

“I see,” Namjoon remarked and made eye-contact with him. Yoongi realized that his friend could see right through him and moved away to order another drink. He fucking needed it.

When he returned, the conversation seemed like it changed onto a different topic and Yoongi felt himself relax. He watched her laugh at something Ahmee said and a small smile made its way onto his face. She must’ve felt him looking at her because she met his gaze, and in her eyes he saw an array of emotions. He saw love, longing, and happiness—but there was something else lingering. Yoongi stiffened when he saw that there was also doubt mixed into her eyes. He didn’t even have to ask to understand what she was questioning. Are we going to be okay?

She looked away before he could say anything, but he realized that he wouldn’t have been able to voice the words anyway. He loved her too much to say anything that would compromise their relationship. He was too scared.

Eventually, the night became late and it was time to leave. Silence filled the air as they walked the few blocks back to their apartment. Yoongi stuffed his hands into his pockets, while she crossed her arms tightly. They couldn’t even look at each other, and he hated it. What was wrong with them? When had it all come to this?

The moment they arrived back home, Yoongi immediately reached for the bottle of vodka on the counter. Not bothering with a cup, he uncapped the bottle and took a swig—the liquid burning down his throat. It didn’t taste good—straight liquor wasn’t supposed to taste good—but he didn’t care.

Before he could chug half the bottle, it was ripped away from him.

“I think you’ve had enough to drink, don’t you agree?” she stared at him. At this point in the night, neither of them were sober. They both had plenty of drinks at the bar earlier.

“No,” Yoongi said, reaching for the bottle again.

She took a step back. “Stop. You act like I haven’t noticed you’ve been drinking like a dog that needs water. What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

He walked away and towards their room when he felt her hand wrap around his arm. “Yoongi. Let’s talk, yeah?”

“What’s there to talk about?” he asked.

“Everything,” she sounded frustrated. “The alcohol. The ignoring each other. Why you can’t even talk to me without sounding so fucking sad.”

“This isn’t just about me, and you know it.”

She bit her bottom lip. “Do you hate me now or something?”

“Fuck, no,” he raked a hand through his hair. “I could…never feel something like that towards you.”

“Then what’s bothering you?”

Yoongi felt all of the tension from the past few months just building—and then suddenly, he exploded. “Why don’t you want to marry me?”

“You’re mad…about what I said concerning marriage?” she asked, looking at him with the strangest expression. “Really?”

“Any normal person in a committed relationship would.”

Then, anger flared in her eyes. “What the fuck, Min Yoongi?”

“Don’t what the fuck me,” he felt his own anger rising.

“You never even asked me,” she yelled.

“I didn’t have to fucking ask,” he retorted, “I already knew your answer.”

She closed her eyes. “I already said I’m not ready for marriage because I’m too busy with my life. God, Yoongi, we’re so young…why are you so caught up with the idea of it?”

“It’s not just the idea of marriage—it’s the fact that you made it sound like marriage was some sort of hell.”

“Yoongi, I’m in fucking grad school—I’m trying to get my doctorate too. Why don’t you get that?”

For some reason, Yoongi felt bitterness. “You’re so caught up in yourself—it’s always about you. You and your fucking master’s degree. You and your fucking doctorate. What about me? Can’t you see that I’m literally dying over here?”

“You’re so fucking selfish, Min Yoongi. You’re just wallowing in self-pity. This isn’t just about me—this is about our future.”

“Does your future even include me?” he asked, seeing red. “I think about our future—our marriage and kids. I want to marry you because I love you, but all you can think about is establishing your career.”

A second later, he felt her hand slap his face. It left his cheek stinging and before he could react, she turned around and stormed out of the apartment. As she ran out the door, he saw her grab something. He couldn’t see what it was from where he stood, but the second he heard a car engine rev he knew.

But did he give a fuck? No.

Instead of following her, he walked back to the kitchen and grabbed that bottle of vodka from earlier. He also grabbed another bottle from the cabinet and planted himself on the couch. Yoongi began drinking his worries away. Soon, he couldn’t even feel the burn. Then, he stopped tasting the alcohol. He just consumed and consumed.

Also, he liked not feeling anything. He kind of preferred this to feeling everything. Because feelings sucked, and what was the point of loving someone so much? Yoongi should’ve realized by now that love was shitty—especially from all of the other girls he loved before.

It wasn’t until much later, and one awful hangover, that Yoongi realized something was not right. The girl he was in love with could be a bit much at times, but she wasn’t irrational. There was no way she’d stay out that long. The few times she had gotten angry at him in the past, she would cool down quickly. That was another reason he loved her; she didn’t let her emotions get the best of her.

Yoongi must’ve passed out because he woke up to a massive headache from a continuous noise. If that was a fucking alarm, he was going to kill someone. He managed to open his eyes and tried to look for his phone or something, but there was nothing around him—only two empty bottles. After a moment, he collected himself enough to realize that the noise was the doorbell.

Did she come back?

He lifted himself off the couch and made his way to the door, which was surprisingly hard since each step felt like he was walking ten miles. Five hundred miles later, and twenty more doorbell rings, he finally opened the door. But it wasn’t her.

“Hello, do you live here?”

Yoongi wondered why there was a man dressed up at his door. “Uh, yes?”

“Are you lucid, sir?” the man asked, scrunching up his nose and looking up and down. “Because you reek of alcohol.”

“Rough night,” was all he replied with. “Can I help you?”

The man frowned. “If you live here, you must be Min Yoongi. Hi, I’m detective Kim Seokjin. I’ve been assigned to a case that involves you concerning…”

Yoongi didn’t hear anything else when the man mentioned her name. He was pretty sure he also stopped breathing. He just stared at Seokjin’s detective badge and the picture of a wrecked car—her car. Beside the picture of her totaled car, was another image of a woman and Yoongi’s heart sunk when he recognized that beautiful, bloody face.

“…I need you to come down to the hospital with me and identify the body, sir. According to her information, you two were in a relationship and she has no other family here. Therefore, you are the closest relative we have.”

“She’s…she’s—” Yoongi couldn’t get the word out.

Seokjin’s gaze softened and what looked like pity graced his features. “I am terribly sorry for your loss. But I really need you to come with me. She didn’t have any identification on her, but we managed to search the car under the database to find you.”

He stared at her picture again and felt tension building in his chest. It was growing exponentially, and he could barely contain it. “I-It’s her.”

“The picture?” Seokjin asked. “But I think it would be clearer at the hospital—”

“I don’t fucking want to see my dead girlfriend’s body!” Yoongi roared. “Leave!”

“I understand, Mister Min. I’ll come back another day for more information,” Seokjin said before he closed the door.

The second Yoongi twisted the lock, he pressed his forehead against the door. He inhaled, and in the exhale he broke. All of that tension released in waves; sobs left his lips and shook his body. He fell to his knees, fists pounding at the wall and floor. Never in his life had he felt like that. Yoongi had never felt so hopeless—like there was no way out of the darkness.

He cried and screamed until there were no more tears left to cry and his voice grew hoarse. Yoongi didn’t know how much time he spent just sitting at the door, but once he got up the sun was already setting. He stepped into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. Another deep breath filled his lungs before he opened the cabinet for another bottle.

God, all he wanted to do was forget this.

Maybe, never wake up too.

This had to be a nightmare, right?

He opened every cabinet, but all he could find was a bottle of cheap wine and a bag of bagels. Yoongi stared at the bag for a long time. As he stared, he downed the entire bottle of wine before the tears started manifesting again.

He fucking hated bagels.

***

You stare at Yoongi with tears flowing down your face, and you feel like your soul is about to burst.

Looking down, you see that his hand you subconsciously went to grab is practically clutching onto your own for dear life. What did you do? Why did you have to open this wound of his? If you knew what kind of heartbreak Yoongi faced in the past, you would’ve never pushed him to talk. “I’m so sorry.”

Yoongi’s hand tightens around your own. “It’s not your fault.”

“I-I opened the can of worms…I made you talk about these girls. But I didn’t know—I didn’t know how broken you were…” And that’s when you remember where you met him.

Your friend, Hoseok, is a therapist and runs weekly AA meetings, as well as other types of therapy groups. One time—a day that seems like forever ago—he told you to come by and bake some goodies for his small group. You remember not knowing what to expect, but you were excited to bake. You brought cookies and cupcakes to that particular AA meeting and took a seat beside your friend.

“This is my friend,” Hoseok introduced you to his group and you watched as everyone else introduced themselves to you, as well as the other new members.

If there’s anything in your memory that you can recall crystal clear, it’s the moment you laid eyes on Yoongi. Compared to everyone else in the group, he was definitely the quieter one but that didn’t mean that he blended into the shadows or anything. He stood out to you—there was something about the way he carried himself, and the way his eyes had looked so distant; sad, even. You remember wanting to know more about him, but Yoongi hadn’t bothered to look at you a single time. Once that meeting ended, he was the first to leave. You asked Hoseok about him, and your friend teased you about him endlessly.

“You like him,” Hoseok said with a growing smile.

“I mean—I don’t know. He’s attractive for sure.”

“I would be careful though. He’s been coming to this AA group for almost six months, every week, but he doesn’t talk as much as everyone else. So, I don’t know much about him.”

For some reason, you decided to make it your mission to know Yoongi after that. You attended more AA meetings and brought more baked goods. Everyone else thought you were just being nice, or that maybe you were actually Hoseok’s girlfriend, but you secretly only went because of one reason. For one person.

It was difficult at first, to even get Yoongi to look at you. But once you achieved that, everything else slowly fell into place. You invited him out to numerous coffee dates, majority of them were declined, but the few that he said yes to were some of the best dates of your life. You never pushed Yoongi to delve into his personal life; instead, you told him more about your life and hoped that eventually he would reveal his too.

Obviously, Yoongi was a tough one to get to. But after a year of just getting to know one another, he softened. Once you two established a firm friendship, you fell for him hard and fast. Yoongi made it easy to fall in love with him. It was effortless.

But now, you realize why he was the person he used to be. You really shouldn’t have asked. “So, you were at those AA meetings because…”

He nods, “I was in a pretty dark place. A few months after the car accident, I finally went to see a therapist and she recommended me to attend Hoseok’s group. Fucking hated it at first. It wasn’t bearable, but I still went every week and I stayed sober. I didn’t enjoy going until…well, until you showed up.”

You soften at his words, raising his hand to press your lips on his palm. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, love,” he says with a small smile.

And you don’t know why, but you still cry. You just can’t help it. Yoongi stares at your tears, bringing his thumb to wipe them away. “Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize for your tears.”

“It’s just that, I love you so much—I can’t believe you had to go through that.”

“I love you too, and it’s okay. You know why?” he asks.

“Why?” you blink at him.

“Because I got to meet you.” Yoongi runs a gentle finger along your jaw, up to your cheek where the tears continue to fall. “So…tell me about your past loves.”

“Why do you want to know about that?” you manage a smile and lean into his touch.

“I just want to know who to thank for giving me the pleasure to love you.”

Fuck. You love this man so much. You melt at his words and lean in to kiss him. Both of his hands cup your face and you kiss him harder, running your tongue over his lips. He gladly opens his mouth and you want to get lost in his embrace.

“There’s no one else, Yoongi. There has never been anyone else,” you manage to whisper against his lips as he pulls on the hem of the t-shirt you’re wearing. “You’re the only one.”

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