#by keeping victims and artists that want to talk about important topics quiet

[kasumingo]

it's utterly wild how transparent people are about depicting "problematic things" in stories, because people keep repeating that it's good if it isn't romanticized but cannot define romanticization, cannot tell romanticization and depiction apart and outright shun artists and writers who clearly condemn and repeat themselves over and over again what function in the story the unpleasant themes have

[emakenz]

SELF INDULGENT HANNIBAL X READER FANFICTION PROMPT

I do not know what this is, if it is a drabble or a prompt or short story, I have no clue. Just thoughts in my head. Storylines that are realistic within the canon of the show. I say self indulgent because it's sort of a self insert of myself, but whatever, I dunno. It's almost 7 AM. I would actually write this as a story or drabble or whatever but I don't have the drive, if I have a thought I gotta write it down right then or it disappears. If I wrote fanfics, they wouldn't make sense because my mind wanders so fucking much. I might still do this someday, I dunno, but if anyone wants a crack at it, be my guest. I encourage it, as I'd love to read this as an actual story rather than... what it is. But if you write it, ya gotta make sure you include the big details I write down. The small details like, the whole Jack thing, that's not too important unless you want to keep it for showing character and/or character development. And ya gotta credit and tag me because I'd love to read it, as it is my brain's own little bundle of ideas. Holy shit I'm writing so much here goddamn. Anyway.

. . .

Hannibal is reader's friend and he has an interest in reader. Reader is an artist, they work as a forensic artist for the bureau. They do what the usual forensic artist does, but they also like to draw the crime scenes. They have a fascination with recreating the work of a suspect, it can help them connect dots and understand the suspect's intentions and ideals of commiting the scene of the crime. Reader is kind of like Will, in a sense, as they are on the spectrum but, unlike Will, they are unaware of it. They are an empath, they view everything from different perspectives and try to understand each side, like Will. But you see, Will only looks into the suspects' minds, but reader looks into the suspects, the victims, and even the witnesses' views. Hannibal finds their insight to be valuable (for his own "hobbies", in his career, and just plain interest, of course).

Reader has trouble with Jack yelling at them for "talking back," though in reader's mind they didn't realize what they said could be considered rude, and this happens more often than not. They can't handle loud noises, and Jack's booming voice messes them up. They tend to avoid Jack because of this, as they usually have an internal meltdown and shut off when he blows up.

An example; reader was explaining how the victim of the killer in a specific scene wasn't really the victim, but that they were the actual killer. Will disagreed, as he views the suspected killer to be the actual killer. Because of Will's insistence that reader was wrong, Jack shut reader off mid sentence by interrupting their defense. Jack trusts Will's insight more than reader's because he's known him longer and Will's always been right, so far, and he didn't want to risk messing up. He didn't want to get the investigation incorrect so he didn't take the chance of listening to reader rather than Will.

(In this scenario, the killer is the victim in the scene, and the person that killed them was the killer's intended victim, but the victim they intended to kill was a serial killer as well -- the victim pulled the ol switcheroo on em. So both Will and reader are right. If this doesn't make sense, please let me know, I will try to elaborate more on this if you're actually interested.)

Jack and reader don't have a bad relationship or anything, it's just a lot of miscommunications and underlying issues (like the reader having undiagnosed autism, not being aware that they're socially impaired can, well, impair their work and relationships. Such as here.) Nobody really notices the odd behavior from reader, as Will is like that too, so they don't question it. They all assume it's already understood that reader is autistic.

Reader isn't like Will when it comes to being social, as they are more reserved (as odd as that is, MORE reserved than Will Graham himself?? It's more likely than you'd think.) and don't fidget around with stuff around them. They don't nose around, they keep to themselves, closed off from everyone and everything. Will likes to roam around Dr. Lecter's office and tinker with stuff in the room, but reader is too anxious and shy to do such. Reader hates it when people come into their space (like their room, even their property in general) and they especially don't like it when people nose around in their stuff. It feels rude to them, so they don't do it to others. They don't consider Will to be rude because he does it though, they only consider it rude when a person comes into their space and does it, as reader would make it clear that they don't feel comfortable with people doing such. They wouldn't want a person unknowingly seem rude to them, they would inform them beforehand, but if the person still does it, then that's rude to reader. Call it being territorial, reader is just cautious about their property.

If reader is in a conversation, and being asked questions about themself, they usually just give short and simple answers. They don't like to talk about theirself. And they especially don't like letting people know them well. They are very cautious about relationships. They don't want to get hurt. They have a major rejection sensitivity disorder. They hate that about themself.

It's not that reader is cut off from the world and dismissive of others, they do like to talk and joke around occasionally. They're sarcastic yet literal, depending on the topic of conversation. They just don't give more input than they believe necessary. They're more of a listener (by that I mean they space out when a person is excessively talking to them. They can only handle so much.).

Hannibal notices reader's quiet, timid behavior and wants them to find some release, therefore he engages in conversations with them, though it is hard for them to keep the conversation going, he still pushes. He wants them to let loose, to trust him, so he can bond with them. He is aware of reader's autism, but he will only bring it up when he deems it's important. He knows everyone else knows and that reader doesn't, but he wants to see if reader would eventually figure it out on their own (they don't, he brings it up to them eventually). He's also aware that reader has anxiety and ADHD, with the occasional depression and mood swings. Reader is somewhat self aware of those parts of themself though, it's not a big deal. Reader doesn't really care about their mental health until Hannibal comes in and becomes Dr. Lecter to reader. They're not actually his patient but he will treat them as such when he feels they need a therapy session. Reader doesn't like the idea of therapy at all, not for them. Hannibal has to be discreet when getting them to open up. It works sometimes. Other times, reader just changes the subject to avoid the topic of theirself. While Hannibal does still have an interest in Will, reader is more of a craving for Hannibal's appetite. Hannibal sees reader as a rare delicacy that suits his taste, but he never gets enough, and he always wants more. Will can satisfy him in his interest, but reader doesn't give in to him like Will does. Reader is more hesitant, even when they are comfortable. Eye contact never ceases making reader uneasy, they can't hold it more than a few seconds, though Will can hold it as time goes on, reader can't. Will and reader's relationship is close, as reader relates to Will a lot, and vice versa. They connect. Reader likes to help with the dogs and assist in fixing motors and even go fishing with him. They're pretty much best friends. They're more open with Will than anybody else, as much as Hannibal envies Will for that, he also likes to learn about reader from Will. Since reader doesn't really open up to Hannibal willingly and knowingly, he uses Will for information. Will gives him what he wants, it's not a secret that they talk about reader often, it's just that reader doesn't engage in their talks so they make do. Whether Will has a crush on reader is a mystery, reader is unaware and Hannibal wouldn't allow it if he did. Will knows that Hannibal likes reader, he knows that if he had a crush, it's more than likely going to hurt him more than anything. Hannibal often attempts to get reader's attention in different ways, but reader never understands the message is for them. Will knows he can't be honest with reader as he's afraid that reader would feel uncomfortable around him if he did. He doesn't let himself crave reader after seeing Hannibal attempt to ease his own cravings for them, and seeing how that panned out, he knows he doesn't have a chance with reader if Hannibal of all people doesn't. Reader doesn't really... understand romance. They are capable of feeling romantic, but they don't know how to identify their feelings, so emotions are never clear for them. They feel everything but they don't understand anything.

Hannibal does get reader to give in but it takes a lot of time and effort to pry them open. Once reader is bare, they become insecure and vulnerable. They panic and get scared, and shutdown. Hannibal is a therapist and he knows how to handle this, though, and helps reader. He becomes their guide. Reader thrives off of independence but Hannibal slowly takes their need of independence away, having reader rely on him more and more. It makes him feel powerful. His cravings are nourished at this point in time, he's more addicted than ever, and reader is the center of his world. I guess you could say Hannibal is yandere-esque, not my intention but that's the vibes I'm getting from this. He's overprotective and possessive of reader once he has them under his wing.

What attracts Hannibal to reader is the same reason he's interested in Will. He enjoys having someone clever enough to understand him, to climb over his tall walls. Reader doesn't mean to do this, reader just sees him, and unlike Will, accepts him immediately. Reader never disliked Hannibal, reader's just cautious, as I've stated time and time again. Something about reader's mix of strong empathy but lack of understanding compels Hannibal. Reader sees and infers well enough (guessing close enough to what others think) but they can't really grasp it and latch onto it for theirself. They can't understand the feelings, but they can guess on them, and they can sure as hell feel em. They have trouble explaining stuff to others, and they try to always compare something to something else. They see something as a different thing than what others see. (An example, reader sees the shape and color and texture of a giant hotpocket in the ground, while others see a patch of dirt where grass hasn't grown) (I don't mean they literally see a hot pocket but they make the connection that it looks like a hot pocket) (that example is specific, as it is personal experience LMFAO)

This being said, they can be wrong a lot of the time when they try to infer a killer's intentions, as they sometimes just can't see the intentions being anything else than what they see. They have to rely on others for reference, to mimic their thinking patterns and then make a final guess at the killer's intentions. That's why Will and them connect so easily, as Will usually thinks straight AND helps reader figure it out in their own view. They help the team with investigations for other perspectives while Will helps with the "finalized" guess on the case. If this doesn't make sense, I can give another example, as I don't really know how else to word this. I doubt anyone will actually read any of this and I'm fine with that, I'm just rambling about my ideas. I swear to god though, if someone takes this idea without credit (in general, like the big picture of it) I will cry so so hard you will drown in my tears. Deadass.

Enjoy my rambles ig :)

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Tsurumi Tokushirou

Wow, this one seems to be the apogee of my writing.  You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Finally, a man who knows what he is doing. Tsurumi is a sly devil but he also got a taste of love, and those two points combined made him a danger to anyone he puts an eye on. The entire 7th division holds their breath watching how skillfully First Lieutenant pulls the unsuspecting victim into his snares.

Understandably, his main weapon would be the art of word. Tsurumi knows how to keep dialogue entertaining; moreover, he is well versed in complimenting his favorite person. He murmurs sweet nothings into their ear in public and in private, under the sergeant's condemning gaze and right under the nose of the jealous Second Lieutenant. Tsurumi does it wisely though, avoiding Usami’s uncontrollable obsession.

Gallantry is his middle name. As soon as they appear on the horizon with a bag or a stack of heavy books, Tsurumi miraculously finds himself next to them taking all of their stuff in his hands. Always accompanies them on the way home, from time to time pleases them with a small bouquet of lavender, moves the chair away from the table so that they sit down. At the same time, his gestures and moves, all looks natural like Tsurumi has been born with it.

Oh, also, he likes to spoil his loved one, pamper them without any limits. If they want to take a picture together, he will hire a western artist to paint a portrait of them. If they want a bar of chocolate, he will order to find the best dessert chef in Hokkaido. This is not his constant behavior, but Tsurumi quite often goes over the board with his affection.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Let’s be honest, to be best friends with Tsurumi you have to be at least no stupider than him and, better, even a little bit smarter. Otherwise, he will treat the person like another pawn in the game. Mind is a measure of strength, and those who are weaker than him do not deserve more than condescending attitude.

His best friend has to be patient and steadfast as a tin soldier: the hole in the head and lack of a brain piece deprived the First Lieutenant of poise so he is prone to outbursts of unwarranted violence. He may jokingly threaten to bite off their nose. Likewise, he may introduce them to the general madness of his division in the face of Usami or Nikaidou. They just have to deal with the crazy without going bonkers themself.  

In addition, they have to have a wide range of interests or be willing to learn new things. Tsurumi is the one to offer to go to horse race, win (or lose) some money, and, without delay, go to the nearest theater. His broad knowledge in various areas makes it possible to boast in every possible way on every possible topic and he expects his best friend to keep the conversation going. Of course, his favorite topic is war and weapons so they must be familiar with it.

The advantages of friendship with this remarkable individual are: respect in all circles he is in; initiation into his plans or most of them; life will seem a lot easier than before since obstacles become suspiciously fewer…

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He has a weird desire for them to look into his face while cuddling. To be mentioned, Tsurumi takes off his enamel head plate in private and it works like a magic: his expression transforms into one of person who has been gone for too long, who was yet to see the horrors of Russo-Japanese war. So, Tsurumi likes to keep them on his lap, hands placed on their thighs or waist, and talk, talk, talk. For some reason avoids spooning: if they try to spoon him, he will slip away from their hands, turn around, and plant a gentle kiss on their forehead.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

It’s complicated. Considering his past with Fina, the whole idea of settling down evokes the unconscious resistance in Tsurumi. Grand plans for hidden gold are the one thing that interests him at the moment, or this is what he convinced himself in. Even in the case of having the most suitable partner, Tsurumi will choose treasure hunt over binding relationship. Same goes for children. His henchmen are his kids, his hellhounds, his creations that he nurtured with distorted version of love and adoration. It is unlikely that he has even a little healthy parental affection left. Great at making desserts, mediocre at cooking overall, doesn’t care about cleaning and leaves it to the partner.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Break-up can go different ways.

In the best case scenario, Tsurumi acts like a gentleman until the very end. On the designated day, he invites a partner to a quiet place and makes sure nobody disturbs their conversation. Even if it happens in the barracks, all soldiers are strictly ordered to stay away from the First Lieutenant's office. There are two cups of a soothing herbal tea on his table as well as dessert associated with them. In calm steady voice Tsurumi explains why they have to break up and how it would be inevitable in the future if they choose to stay together for little longer. In the end of his speech, they feel almost like they initiated this break-up and Tsurumi just conducted their thoughts like his own. It is harmless and easy break-up with no hard feelings after all.

Other options aren’t that innocuous. He can easily make up a kidnapping scheme to remove them from the sight. It may or may not be violent, may or may not leave them traumatized. In the worst case, Tsurumi with heavy heart will give the order to eliminate them and hide all signs of their existence. It is a pity that one cannot erase the marks left on him and his life.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

As mentioned in the previous paragraph, formalizing a relationship is far from the first thing on the Tsurumi’s To-Do list. His partner can try to hint at marriage but he will either completely ignore it or adroitly dissuade them from such stupid undertaking. In a relationship, he remains faithful despite the absence of some fictitiously important pieces of signed paper.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Well, even if he is gentle in any variation, this gentleness carries a sadistic undertone. Tsurumi’s physical affection borders on pain and it is impossible to tell if his vulnerable moments are a theatrical performance or not. He can laugh endlessly, kiss their fingertips and bare knuckles, purposely tickle their neck with his long eyelashes or handlebar moustache but the very next second a predatory grin distorts his face, sending thing in darker direction. Only God knows what is going on in his head, really.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

A truly romantic hug so often shown in films and described in books: his hand rests on their waist, pulling them closer, and other hand catches theirs as if in a slow dance. Each time the distance between him and his partner becomes less and less, but what remains constant, it is a subtle smile and piercing gaze of dark eyes. When in a cheery, exclusively friendly mood, Tsurumi likes to give the partner a tight bear hug or a short greetings-like hug with resting his chin either on their shoulder or on the top of their head.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes years for Tsurumi to say “I love you” out loud. About 3-4 to be exact. Either because he cannot call his feelings real love, or because he does not want to let them ease off. Confession imposes the stamp of some kind of completeness on the relationship and it isn’t fun at all. In his speech, the magic three words are replaced by softer analogues like “I really like you” or “Aren’t you my sunshine” so his partner does not put much thought to why Tsurumi avoids confession. Oh, one hundred percent the day he finally chooses to confess will be an anniversary date. Expect a day dedicated solely to satisfaction of his partner’s desires.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh no no no, please, we don’t have that much space in the cemetery. Flirting with Tsurumi’s partner is like playing Russian roulette with five bullets in cylinder – highly lethal game of chance. After spotting unlucky admirer, Tsurumi tries to identify them and dig up as much information as possible. Their fate depends on it. If it's some kind of midge, a cockroach, First Lieutenant forgets about this situation pretty fast. He doesn’t want to deal with such squalor anyway. If this is a more serious figure, Tsurumi may want to teach them a lesson how rude it is to encroach on someone else's love. Probably pulls a couple of strings to get them into some kind of trouble. Get them fired, discharged, robbed, assaulted, whatever. At the same time, he doesn’t even mention them while talking to the loved one.  

Provoking Tsurumi to jealousy is just as dangerous. His actions are not as radical as in the first case but his partner will have to learn that this is not an acceptable behavior. It is hard to imagine how far he can go though, methods may vary from simple manipulation to straightforward psychological abuse. The latter is the last and the least appealing option, which Tsurumi won’t use unless he is forced to.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Sometimes you just wonder where he learned all these tricks with his tongue. Tsurumi is a playful skilled kisser with excellent flair to where and when to apply fine knowledge of French... technique. Bites are not uncommon either. He has a habit of marking his loved one so everybody around knows who they belong to, and at least one hickey has to flaunt on their neck to keep him satisfied. Tsurumi prefers to kiss his partner wherever they want to be kissed, especially if they ask nicely, and to where to be kissed… a straight line from razor-sharp cheekbones to the notch between the collarbones is a great start.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Stranger’s kids are terrified of Tsurumi. Little ones burst into tears as they notice his wide smile, and those who are a little older stare at him with confusion. Teens try to stay away from this man since he fits the stranger danger statement very well. Thus to say, Tsurumi isn’t fond of being near children and prefers to pass the buck to the subordinates. If we are talking about his own (highly hypothetical) kids that is another story: they get the best of the best, they are spoiled rotten just like his partner. Of course, as kids grow up, Tsurumi switches to the carrot and stick approach spoiling them only as a reward for good behavior. Not that bad around children, really. It's not his fault that he fits the description of Boogeyman.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

On rare days when Tsurumi decides to spend the day with a partner, he never rushes. Those mornings are complete opposite of his usual mornings: they are slow, lazy, maximally filled with intimacy. No one is in a hurry to get out from under the blanket and if his loved one tries to sneak out, Tsurumi deftly catches them by the waist and drags back. I think it is clear that he is immensely touchy in the morning hours. The rest of the time is spent in a kitchen over a cup of green tea, in lively conversation on a variety of topics. No, he is not going to leave the house until the late noon.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Get ready for experiments and new experiences. Have they ever tried horseback riding? No? Good, he will be their teacher. Calligraphy? He will help to put their hand on a brush correctly. Nyotaimori or nantaimori? He will ask either Koito or another twunk to serve as a model. Tsurumi presents every evening date as a surprise that will not leave one indifferent and still he somehow manages to not overstep the bounds of decency. When their mood doesn’t fit his own adventurous impulses, the choice falls on a more classic pastime like late night walk or dinner date but there is not much that can be said about it.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

His partner won’t hear a bit of personal information, a single bit, until Tsurumi is one hundred percent sure that they are here to stay. Until then, he will feed the partner common unremarkable phrases which cannot compromise him in any way. Even after this, a lot of uncertainties remain: Tsurumi seems to describe events only in positive or neutral light, avoiding situations that obviously carry a grim implications. For example, not a word will be said about Fina or Olga and even if partner witnesses him fiddling small bones in his fingers, Tsurumi will make some fable up. Revelations happen but it is not something they will have a chance to get used to.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Easily angered but pulls himself together in the blink of the eye. His malice usually spills out in a form of nervous thrill so it is rare to see Tsurumi screaming his lungs out or getting into a fight. In a relationship, he puts on a mask of an eternally patient partner so his loved one won’t even guess about his anger issues.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Liar is obligated to have a great memory, do you get where I’m coming from? Now only he remembers what his partner has to say but also somehow knows what they hide from him too. If the information seems to be of low priority, Tsurumi immediately forgets it. Like what is he supposed to do with the fact that theirs first dog was called Akira? Best of all he remembers theirs crucial ups and downs both to establish the emotional connection and have some control levers in the future.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Difficult question. Not any of “first experiences”, not anniversary. Probably, the first time he introduced them to the group of closer soldiers like Tsukishima and Co. For the first time Tsurumi decided to “show off” his partner in the headquarters just to establish a clear boundaries between himself and subordinates. Of course, he was well aware of the risks and consequences but chose to do it anyway. The reaction of some was quite expected: Koito's face expressed unpleasant surprise and qualm, he couldn’t switch back from Satsuma dialect and when it finally happened, there were more awkward pauses than comprehendible words; Usami screwed up his eyes as if he was evaluating a competitor simultaneously deciding on the best method to eliminate them. Nikaidou didn’t really cared. Kikuta did neither. Tsukishima’s reaction was the most adequate of all: he politely bowed, mumbled words of courtesy, and got back to his routine. However, on the way to the office he decided to warn them that lovely Tokushirou might differ from their expectations. At the end, Tsurumi was extremely pleased by the flaunting and gave them opportunity to choose how he will thank them for the shown patience.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Tell me, who in their right mind would want to provoke this man? Like, who? His very presence is enough to scare any foe away, not to mention how lethal his overprotectiveness can be. Tsurumi is great at managing resources to make sure his partner is okay: there is always an armed invisible observer in the city they are staying in, sometimes they are sent letters in which Tsurumi takes interest in how their days are going, etc. On the other hand, in moments of real danger, his subordinates are those who take care of his loved one: soldiers are obliged to protect them since Tsurumi usually holds a leading position rather than actively participates in the dirty work. Has no need to be protected, however, partner’s impulses to do it are always met with tender emotion and sincere drawling “aww”.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Tsurumi has an enviable ability of being seemingly the most caring and charming man in the world without even trying. He is natural in wooing, it feels like the whole world is on his side: if he forgets to buy a present for the anniversary (which never happens, may I assure you), a hurrying seller will be selling cute necklace at discount price. Whenever he decides to go to another city with his loved one, there will be a festival or celebration. To be fair, Tsurumi does put efforts in the relationship and keeping his partner happy. He just has it easier than most of your common men.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

His own motives and desires will always be prioritized over his partner’s. It is reality that they just have to deal with. If his partner feels confident in enough, they can try to fight Tsurumi with his own weapon - flattery, ruse, and equivalent exchange, - but success still entirely depends on his mood.

Military career implies long partings with the risk of never seeing the partner again. For the person who cannot live without their loved one’s physical presence, relationship like this will feel like living hell.  

To mention something more lighthearted, Tsurumi is constantly surrounded by subordinates that have questionable… adoration towards him. It asks for deep dive in military psychology, workplace psychology, and additional peek into sexual psychopathology but you get what I mean. Usami gets off talking about how First Lieutenant will be upset with him and, probably, will punish him, okay.

Tsurumi is shady man overall, damaged both physically and emotionally, he is missing a piece of the brain and it is already a long list of reason why one should think twice before getting in with him.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Tsurumi actually cares for his looks. He takes his time to shave the moustache and goatee just the way he wants it to be, thoroughly washes the hair twice a week, keeps the head plate clean by wiping it with wet cloth and disinfecting with alcohol. The main reason of his concerns is desire to look presentable and influential, not a banal narcissism. Does the face scar bother him? When there’s nothing to occupy his mind – yes. Tsurumi understands how drastically it changed his overall look and sometimes regrets what happened but what is the point of overthinking unalterable? Right, there is none.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Break-up is a huge deal in the sense that Tsurumi's reaction could be anything. Unpredictable. Up to monstrous consequences. The safest option would be drop everything and run away since he won’t chase them to the end of the world. Yes, he would feel betrayed and fueled with anger but whatever, it is not the most important thing on the agenda. Sooner or later their paths will cross again and it will be the chance for Tsurumi to show his disinterest. You know, this “I am a bad bitch, you can’t hurt me” style. Direct confrontation leads to a passionate interrogation on why they decided to leave. Is there anything he can do to prevent them from such imprudent step? Does their relationship lack anything? This conversation quickly escalates into preparation of feelings during which Tsurumi scrutinizes all their ins and outs. If they successfully survive this psychological torture mixed with all kinds of manipulation – congrats! – they are allowed to leave. Now he has left his mark on them, on their heart and soul, so they have to carry it wherever they choose to go.

In the case of their death, Tsurumi grieves. How does a man like him grieve? Through sublimation, of course. To stop thinking about the time spent together, he pays more attention to treasure hunt. Tsukishima unobtrusively plays the role of a First Lieutenant’s personal therapist, listening to his pensive monologues, but it doesn’t make any difference. Just like his Sergeant, Tsurumi has difficulties with experiencing repeated loss, and second time feels even worse than the first one.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Remember this clear liquid oozing from under his head plate? It is actually сerebrospinal fluid that provides mechanical and immunological protection to the brain. Constant leaking of CSF leads to a condition known as orthostatic headache: this type of headache intensifies while person is standing and eases when lying down. Tsurumi has extreme headaches after his excited leaks that are usually weakened by general thrill. Once agitation excitation wears off, he becomes incredibly irritable and searches for a quiet place to lie down. The one person who knows about such side effect is Tsukishima. He has saved a dozen of lives already by preventing fellow soldiers from talking to resting First Lieutenant.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He has specific requirements for his environment and a list of traits its members have to lack.

For example, curiosity did kill the cat. People by his side should not pry into his personal business unless they want to get bitten. It is dangerous for them, for Tsurumi, and for plans he has built, so his partner has to either be incurious or keep themself in check when it comes to bunch of stuff.

Freedom-loving and willfulness are the worst enemies of manipulator, no wonder that First Lieutenant looks for someone submissive. Guess, for those achieving high ranks, powerplay is an integral part of social interaction.

Ah, but at the same time, lack of personality makes Tsurumi yawn. Such people do not provide the kind of entertainment he is looking for and it is natural for him to overlook them in the crowd.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Sleeps suspiciously well for a person who bites people’s fingers off. Brain injury left him dreamless for the rest of the life so as soon as Tsurumi’s head touches the pillow he immediately goes into a deep sleep. His sleeping schedule is nothing special too. Obeying the laws of army life, First Lieutenant wakes up early at the same time very day and goes to bed no later than 10 pm. Lies on the belly with arms straight up along the body. Without the head plate, obviously.

With the advent of a permanent partner in his life, Tsurumi’s sleep became more restless. Now he feels way too energetic, tosses and turns in bed, and cannot find a comfortable position in the bed. Since most of the time they still sleep apart (he has a reputation to maintain, blah-blah-blah), Tsurumi has to take a walk to blow off steam and get rid of swarming thoughts. Sometimes it does not help at all so he rushes to their house hoping to find peace in their arms. And so it happens. Tsukishima has almost come to terms with the frequent absence of the First Lieutenant in the mornings. However, Koito is not that happy about it and keeps bothering sergeant with questions to which he has no answer. Poor young man.

[writtenaboutshinee]

SHINee for COOL, September 2008

Repost from shineeinterviews who originally reposted it from shineee.net

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20 facts of ONEW

1. Nicknamed “tofu”. “Pure tofu”, “ondubu”, they all refer to him. Uses the introduction “I am only~you~ Onew” taught to him by Leeteuk and at times, switches to “Hello, my name is Michael Jackson(sincerely)!”

2. Feels shy about presenting himself to people, and because of it, he did not dare to participate in auditions. When he was a trainee, everyone else seems to be improving everyday, while he seems to be staying stagnant and not improving, that to him is the saddest period of his life up till now.

3. When performing on stage for the first time, he could not see anything in front of him, and even forgot the lyrics before going up on stage. But he thought of his parents who were sitting in front of the stage, he thought “Yes, I must look for them”, and thus calmed down gradually.

4. The Leader who commits the most mistakes during practices; the Leader who feels respoonsible for the group and solves problem, the Leader who will just zone out from time to time, the Leader who still stays strong despite sporting swollen, red eyes under the glaring lights, the Leader who cries in the car secretly after getting injured.

5. “Rather than saying that I use certain methods to make the sunbaes like me, I am just working hard to be respectful.” It is this thought that accompanies the 90 degree bow everytime.

6. Infamous NG King. “You just cannot not NG can’t you!” (KEY)

7. “Honestly, amongst all of the SHINee members, in the terms of looks, physique, expression…and everything is charismatic and the only phrase to describe the person is ‘near perfection’, that member is – ME!”

8. Good in studying, was second in the entire school before. To him, it’s nothing to be very proud of, because everyone has their own strengths that is irreplaceable by others, isn’t it more important to discover that strength and make use of it?

9. Because he got curious after hearing that “if there is something heavy on your chest, your thoughts will become heavy too, and you will experience illusions”, so he went went to sleep hugging a box, hoping to enter a land of illusions but nothing happened…

10. Looks gentle and quiet, but is very ambitious at attempting to be humourous, is always very enthusiastic about trying various methods to hype up the atmosphere behind the scenes. Also possesses the ability to freeze the atmosphere with whatever he says, but there are just once or twice a year when people do feel that he is funny.

11. 'What should you do if you are a victim of the SHINee poison?’ “ …Go to the hospital for cure! (innocently, seriously)

12. Can be quite blur at times. "Our album will be released in May (firmly) …. It’s already August now?! ….Oh then it should be in September…Ah (manager glares at him) No no, it’s in August, end of August…”

13. His idea type is something who has character, good personality, is responsible, knows how to cook, looks good in appearance, the hands must be especially pretty, and the most important aspect – it must be a noona!

14. If met with unbearable situations, changes mindset from “I have to do ____ before its fine?” to “It’s just doing _____ then it will be alright” and it will work. Be it heaven or hell, what matters is how you view it.

15. Tied his hair with the filigree(the golden strip thing) used to package bread, that was when he was really young, and had really long hair…

16. Strong at adapting, when dressing up as a girl for the first time, he felt fascinated and awkward, but after awhile he was able to start dancing sexy dances. If he does changes into a girl? He would probably date Key. Unique, strong personality, very interesting, just like his cup of tea.

17. Does not hide his worry about the possibility of him commiting mistakes because he is does not feel capable of it. “Can I do it well?”, “Will it be safe?”, “Will I get into trouble?”, whatever comes to mind he will voice it out, and after that, will feel more daring to continue on.

18. Suffers from the “Floudering about” syndrome, will sink into a state of baffling nervousness whenever he does not know how to answer something. When it comes to handling the direction of a conversation, it will be fine if he is not nevous, but once he ends up panicking, he will want to shout “umma”.

19. Will wake up early to make roast meat for Taemin, but sleep is also very important, must have a good sleep, eat well and abstain from unhealthy snacks – how else to maintain such a good complexion?

20. The most memorable present. the most treasured present, the happiest present received: Everyone’s love. How about using this year’s Newcomer Award to repay that? That is a precious gift that can only received once in a lifetime, want to receive it, and then…Hehe, not telling you! …Did I say that?…Eh….

Matters needing attention: Onew condition: Turning quiet suddenly, not talking to anyone, just sitting there in a daze; committing mistakes in most unlikely and unexpected situations, it is fine that others are baffled and fascinated by it but the main thing is that he does not even know why, muddles up from time to time, for details refer to point 12 above. If any of the above mentioned is committed, it is termed the “Onew condition”.

The X catalyst: Forcefully trying to bring him back into the reality world; questions why he commits such a baffling mistake; and reasoning with him.

The O catalyst: Wait for him to return to earth; laugh along with him. If he falls or trips, silently observe if he is trying to conceal his pain and divert other’s attention from his injury with his smile; take what he says as the final say, do not take it too seriously, since most of the time he commits blunders on what everyone else already know, even if he does not correct it, you will already know the right answer…

20 facts of TAEMIN

1. Must never forget to smile.

2. Carries a bag containing a lot of sweets around, all with a SHINee logo attached on it. Will give out these sweets whenever he sees noonas.

3. Has been said by many that he is good at aegyo, but will in actualy face, use half aegyo and half forcing to get what he wants, for example, mumbles “I want to be a director too” constantly while using his butt to push others.

4. Has been said that he is cute too many times, but “does not want others to say that I am cute”.

5. When first debuted, is used to blinking a lot when speaking, it is a lot better now, but somehow it has become a hot topic after Key umma has imitated it.

6. Will run around the practise room with a bottle/packet of milk in his mouth, spends a lot of time in the waiting room studying and rushing his holiday assignments and preparing for exams.

7. Being on stage is something to be enjoyed, and dance is the what makes him derives the most joy from. The title is just to attraction people to watch, you should only believe in what you see.

8. His dancing ability has been widely recognised, but do you know that his rap is pretty MAN too? Go listen to “Love should go on”.

9.Do not think that he is a child with a huge generation gap between the two of you, he idolises “MJ” and also likes to imitate Seo Taiji – “I don’t know anything!”

10. “I really don’t know anything!” (catchphrase)

11. Can transform an ardent swordsman into a kawaii youth, and can change the action of pulling out a sword to just raising a fire torch.

12. “When I first saw Taemin, I thought he was really pretty. At that time there was a trainee noona in front of him, and Taemin was even prettier than her.” (EUNHYUK)

13. Does not feel that he has a talent that can matches up to Onew, but if he were to do it(Onew’s talent)…he can do it too!

14. A very obedient child, even if he is asked to sit on someone’s lap, or getting hugged or being lifted up on someone’s shoulder, he does not object. He’s so young that the sunbaes find it hard to see him as a rising artiste who is catching up with them, but he is beginning to present a star’s disposition.

15. Knows how to play, and will play. A finger and a camera. that’s his best friend.

16. “Hyung, do you know what is love?” (to the rest of members)

17. “If I am a girl, I will choose to date Minho, because he is Flaming Charisma!”

18. “In the show, Yunhanam, the person who is the best at making a girl happy is Taemin.” (KEY) But he is still at a stage when he is more enthusiastic of dogs than girls.

19. If there is true love involved, how can age be limiting, isn’t there a guy who married a really old grandmother?

20. Has the care and concern of the hyungs, the love and care of the noonas, it’s really nice. If only he can see his family more…Hyung, saranghae…

Matters needing attention: Competitve: You can treat him as a exclusive young man but in front of him, you better see him as a man at heart.

The X catalyst: “Taemin ah, you go and do _____ k – You are the youngest!”

The O catalyst: Chant silently “He is a man! Do not be charmed by his smile! Do not be fooled by his baby face!” Hypnosis, the effect is threefold.

20 facts about MINHO

1. “Hello everyone, I am SHINee’s Flaming Charisma Minho. I have to talk for more than a minute? What can I say? One minute is too long!”

2. “Minho looks like a main character of a manga” (ONEW) “He is a living existence of selfishness!” (KEY) “When I first saw him, I thought "Ah! So handsome! Especially the eyes!” (JONGHYUN)

3. Has no concept about money, no concept about taking care of his health, has no concept about maintaining handsome or not – Why waste so much energy thinking about this kind of things?

4. If he were to pick the most handsome pose, it would be just to stand there properly. What he is most confident of: not blinking for 3 minutes!

5. “I will buy our album this time too, and keep it as a personal collection.”

6. Feels happiest when he is on stage singing and dancing, really. When singing, he will persevere on to the very end, and when singing, he will imeerse himself into the song until the last note ends. If it is not his song, it is even easier for him to get involved, like “Rokkugo”.

7. An inquisitve baby, is curious about everything. If he doesn’t do anything then it is fine, but if he goes about doing something, he must do it to his best capacity, a perfectionist.

8. Does not talk usually, but hopes that the members can become closer amongst each other, to become “forever SHINee”.

9. “The album is really manly and wild, Minho!” “They said we are manly and wild…(looks at other members) Is that good?”

10. His ideal type just need to be of an average height, must definitely be kind at heart, have long hair, wears dresses frequently – Ah, will just secretly laugh when thinking about it.

11. When singing “Love like oxygen”, he thinks of his fantasy girl (embarassed)

12. Sits upright and listens attentively on screen, but plays crazily off screen, occassionally will trip over the stairs and will turn back and glare at the stairs.

13. “Honestly, if I am a girl, the member from SHINee that I will definitely date is Taemin.”

14. Is good at doing everything, and is able to understand and analzye matters effectively – in reality, he is very aware if the people around him are comfortable or not – except when he is the camera PD: he still does not understand how to make the people in the scene stand properly.

15. “I have never seen a ghost, but I would like to see one.”

16. According to Taemin, Minho’s sleeping pyjamas is the cutest, but what is the pattern then? Flowers and grass? Animals? Hearts? It is unanswered.

17. “It shall be it then.” (catchphrase)

18. Does not have a personal talent. Does playing soccer counts? I am good at playing soccer, do you want to have a match someday?

19. Does not want to be hypocritical, refuses to be half hearted and insincere, if very straightforward in personality.

20. It’s not that he cannot be crazy, it’s not that he cannot lead, it’s not that he is not attracted to girls, you just to get hold of the that one single point that makes him interested and wait for him to give you a suprise.

Matters needing attention: Fretting: The most boring part about him is when he is bored, but when the most exciting thing is when he starts to fret. If all his frettings show themselves, then this world would be very much interesting.

The X catalyst: Uses a lot of effort to try to extend the topic and directing the atmoshpere.

The O catalsyst: Bring a puppy to him and wait for him to say stuff like “It’s so cute, looking at it makes me feel happy”, when that happens, he will naturally talk more.

20 fact about JONGHYUN

1. Has been said that the first line of “Love like oxygen” sounds like Michael Jackson’s style. “It does sound like it a bit.”, he admits it himself, but Usher is still irreplaceble, definitely!

2. “Bling Bling Jonghyun”, does it sound weird? He uses it all the time, be it during messaging or talking, he uses it. Because he loves R&B and Hip-hop too much, he wishes that he can shine forever (like bling bling). If you want it difficult to call that, “Hey Bling” can be used, thats what the members call him.

3. Will tend to talk at a really fast speed when he gets nervous, but because he talks a lot usually, nobody ever notices that habit of his.

4. There is no shortcut to acheiving perfection, just hard work and more hard work, if he is unable to take it, he will hide in the toilet for a cry, and then continue to work even harder during practice.

5. Has a lot of charisma on stage, but is very endearing and fun to be with off stage, before debut, he chats with Taemin everyday when returning home, is the member who is the most unanimous with his relaxation and lifestyle.

6. “If I meet an alien, I will definitely be scared at first, but after awhile when I get to know it, I will consider how to send it back home.”

7. Regardless of anything, no matter how many times he had performed on stage, whenever he hears his own song he will still get exceptionally excited, will lipsynch along, dance along, fidget around in his seat, even when he chokes on water he will still remain engrossed.

8. A very lively student in high school, able to digest English and Korean songs very well. Formed a band, composed music during that time, believes that if you truly like something, it is not difficult to persevere on.

9. Understands the importance of heath, so does not eat stuff like instant noodles even when he is very hungry. To practise on an empty stomach is definitely tough, but in comparison, won’t it feel really good to finally eat a full meal during breakfast? – After tolerating for so long, it’s finally time to enjoy.

10. Is not scared of the camera at all, a 180 degree display or 360 degree all show? Just state it.

11. Feels that he is a good hyung, and a good dongseng to the members, if not for the fact that they always interrupt him which makes him flares up at them shouting “Keep quiet!” at times, his image is pretty perfect.

12. Makes total and absolute preparation for everything, will even stay up overnight without sleep to prepare. If his progress does not meet his own expectations, he will feel restless and a little short tempered.

13. Likes girls who seek novelty at times, is willing to accept the age gap of up to 6 years…What about 7 years?….8 years?

14. Why cover up if you make a mistake, just admit it truthfully won’t it be good?

15. Taemin is very good, but too young. If he were to become a girl, it will be better to let Key be his boyfriend, setting aside the good personality, Key is very honest, which fits his view in life, refer to point 14.

16. Has a lot of notices, will show off to his members after returning to the dorm. Will also miss his members whom he don’t know what they are doing while he is at certain shows/programs, if there is a chance, he will like to bring all his members along.

17. The only secret to maintaining a good complexion despite a very hectic schedule is to simply maintain a positive mindset. 18. Is very proficient in the guitar, bass and piano.

19. Wakes up the earliest in the dorm, will wake up Key after he is done with washing up, Key will then wake Onew up, then Taemin and lastly, Minho – “I am the one who wakes up the earliest! I am most confident about it!”

20. “How do I wash the rice? Why doesn’t Key umma know?! …So you have to wash it like this, Taemin? Wow!”

Matters needing attention: Rebellious: A common puberty failing, it’s a phase that all teenagers will experience.

The X catalyst: Commanding orders, such as “You want me to do this?”, “You have to settle this.”

The O catalyst: Be more natural at it, as long as you don’t make him feel suppressed, he will always come to you, and is willing to endure hardship gladly.

20 facts about KEY

1. Will go to the CD shop and ask, “Where are the SHINee CDs? Are they selling well?” Cares about his welfare in outlook in life.

2. “Right from when we are trainees till now, the one who sings really well, dances superbly, gets angry only when it is an occasion to be angry about, makes people feel that "this guy is really amazing!”, that person is Key.“ (JONGHYUN)

3. Has a love-hate relationship with horror movies and horror stories, he yearns for them but he is also scared of them, he likes them but he also dislikes them. He lost his composure/image in the cinema many times because of that, he is only able to rent horror movies/dramas to watch at home to continue scaring himself.

4. "I don’t want a fantasy romance like those in the movies, I look towards a realistic and truthful relationship.” Honest, straighforward and open minded girls are OK, but girls who are soft on the outside but really fierce on the insides are a NO. Must have an opinion, not be too girly, and must like to freely express what she likes.

5. In terms of dressing up as girls, Taemin is the most suitable, but the prettiest is still the one who is looking into the mirror (ie. Key), if he really wants to do it, even a true woman will not be able to match up to him. (Proudly)

6. Is confident that he can be a gourmet chef, nobody can escape his dumplings trap.

7. “To be an idol, it’s not enough to just put in effort in the front appearance, your back appearance is important too.”

8. Good at saying honeyed words, but hearing lines like “Are you hurt? I am hurting too.” makes him burst out in laughter.

9. “If I were to become Yunhanam’s director, the viewing rates ought to be able to rise.” (smug)

10. His personal talent is imitating a robotic character from a cartoon show, the classic line being “Woah! Money! With money anything can be done!!”

11. Good at preparing, good at analyzing, belongs to the kind who is able to work out a plan from scratch with just a single detail.

12. “You cannot avoid me, you must look at me in the eyes.”

13. It’s his nature to take care of people? At first he was just Taemin’s umma, after that his nagging extends to include all of the members, and now it is becoming that he nags at whoever he sees.

14. Still nagging. Because he has been too naggy, Taemin really wants to change his umma now…

15. Become a girl? Then he would date all the other members once and see how it is. Does not know how it is like when they are in front of a girl, he is really curious about it.

16. “The person who is able to meet an ET who has come to earth and not feel scared but instead in able to converse naturally with it is Key…Even if he is left on an abadoned island, he will still be able to find a way to survive.” (JONGHYUN)

17. As long as he is being sincerely asked to do something, he will do it no matter how unwilling he is, even if he does not like to do it.

18. Sentimental and sensitive, even if it just a piece of paper from someone who he cares about, he will take really good care of it.

19. The group’s No.1 in fashion. Red, white, blue, it is normal for him to carry off these colours which are easy to carry off, but for colours like pink and grass green which are more difficult to pull off, he is still able to do it.

20. “I hope that this album can receive a lot of love from everyone, and, if only our friends all know SHINee’s songs, they only know 'Noona is so pretty’ …”

Matters needing attention: Height phobia: Will feeling giddy, disgusted, off balanced when standing on high grounds, feels very dangerous if he is suspended in midair.

The X catalyst: Rollercoaster or bungee jump or water slide…

The O catalyst: Standing with both foot on the ground.

.

Translations by atlantis-x @ soompi/shineee.net / re-post from (x)(x)(Both links are broken now but they led to SHINee’s thread on the old Soompi forums)

[brvckin-blog]

in all forms except physical i can write an intro, know that ( ! ) i’m mikhia, you can call me mikki if you want tho idc lmao, i’m eighteen, and i live my life by the word of park sooyoung. in her name we pray, amen! i’m always tryna come up with some kind of witty intro but LMAO that never happens and probs never will so this is it.......... this is what y’all get! if you wanna plot then read this shit and gimme a mf smash of that heart and i’ll hit you up! or, if you prefer plotting on d.iscord then you can find me over at YUKHEI’S WHITE GIRL LAUGH #5355 just like tell me who you are when i add you!

▶ BASIC INFORMATION

breckin rhee isn’t as innocent as he seems. on the outside they’re just another twenty-one year old junior who’s looking to get through college with a degree in biology, but let me be the first to tell you there’s more than meets the eye. although they were ingrid’s party buddy, they were the one who held her still while she was bound and gagged. hopefully nobody finds out what they did!

▶ BULLET POINT BACKGROUND

the following overview contains triggering topics such as abuse, drug use, manipulation, and murder. if any of these topics make you uncomfortable then please click away as your well being is a lot more important than the background of my character. however, just as an fyi, none of the topics are talked about in depth, just more-so mentioned!

growing up it was just breckin and his dad living in a big, isolated house at the end of a road where no one really cared to get to know one another. he never knew what happened to his mom, but he also never asked. him and his dad didn’t have the kind of relationship for that; him and his dad were never close enough to have personal conversations.

the two of them only spoke a handful of words to each other by the time the boy was ten and had been completely raised by a nanny. but then everything changed when she just didn’t show up one day and his dad decided to play the role of a parent for once. and, just like with his mom, he had no idea what happened to his former parental figure.

he was shit at it (go figure) and constantly yelled at breckin, even pushing him around and smashing his toys just cause he felt like it. he didn’t understand what he had ever done wrong and a part of him thought that this was just how every parent treated their child.

when he was twelve, he ended up finding an old camcorder and instantly fell in love with filming everything around him. it all looked so beautiful through a lens; untainted. but he was young and kids can be dumb. he ended up recording over one of the tapes inside and when his dad found out, he completely lost it.

apparently breckin had taped over an old home video of his mom, one that his dad watched frequently, and it became the catalyst for events that would change his life forever. it was the first time his dad was ever physically abusive towards him.

he doesn’t really have much memory of the event, but he does remember being at the top of the stairs filming before everything went black. he found out later that his dad had pushed him down the stairs, but it was ruled an accident and he was put back into his care after he healed.

things only got worse from there with his dad constantly telling him that he was a monster, that no one would ever love him, and that no one would care if he died. these things clawed their way down his throat and found a home in his lungs until he felt like he could no longer breathe.

as he got older and a little colder, he started fighting back and it ended up just being a big brawl between him and his dad all the time. they would literally beat the shit out of each other multiple times a week until, suddenly, it all stopped when he was sixteen.

his dad remarried and the woman brought in two younger children. then, suddenly, his dad was someone else entirely. it was like the bitter old man had been replaced by the most wholesome being in the world. he acted like a completely different person and it pissed breckin off. but it also inspired him in a way; it changed his outlook on the world around him entirely.

so he changed his personality too, became the picture perfect son who played sports and got good grades. he held up his image well, but the monster his father always told him he was never went away. it just waited under his facade until the perfect time to strike.

it was after his first real girlfriend that he decided he liked hurting people. he liked breaking their hearts because it made him feel like a god. he was the perfect boyfriend, dating girls and boys and anyone that was dumb enough to fall for his tricks. he would make sure that he was all they thought about, that they were sure they were in love with him, and then he would rip the rug right out from under them.

nothing made him happier than watching them cry and beg him not to do this. they looked so ugly and broken and he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful. he liked seeing people at their most vulnerable, got off on humiliating them.

it was around that same time that he also got into drugs, cocaine specifically, and it helped to perk him up; it helped to make him not look so dead inside. he was a great actor, but the eyes are the window to the soul and his held nothing inside.

with his new life planned out, breckin made the decision to go to college and major in biology with the hopes of getting into med school and becoming a doctor like his father. in some weird way, it was almost like he wanted to be just like him, to show him that he was only monster because of him.

it was at his high school graduation that he found out what really happened to his mother when she suddenly showed up trying to act like everything was ok. in his mind, he had already come to terms with her death, deciding that his father more than likely killed her. but the truth hurt a whole lot more. she had just left........ left him with a monster who didn’t love him. and, not only that, but she had a whole new family with two children (his half siblings) and one of them was even close to him in age. it enraged him and, so, the next morning he cut the brake line in her car and killed her off permanently. she was dead to him so dead she would stay.

when he left for uni, he constructed a backstory where he was the son of a pastor who graduated as valedictorian and blushed when complimented. none of that was true, but it didn’t matter. everyone would believe him and would never question it so it didn’t matter.

at freshman orientation, he found his first victim and really set everything back into motion. he began dating anyone and everyone before ultimately cheating on them, and breaking their hearts in the worst possible way all while holding up his perfect little persona until the end.

it was a cruel game, but he was able to keep others quiet about who he really was either through blackmail or through them being so humiliated that they left school and moved away.

over the years though as he’s gotten busier and has gotten closer to graduating, he’s really been too exhausted to keep up his facade as much so he’s basically half himself and half good church goin boy lmao!

▶ LIST OF SECRETS 

obviously no one knows about these (unless we’ve plotted something out surrounding them) so keep these to your ooc self beetch! i honestly just wanted to throw ‘em down here because my memory is shit!

breckin plans on going to med school after graduation so, in preparation for becoming a doctor down the road, he will oftentimes practice on willing peers who are looking for a little extra cash.

he has a weird obsession with death but, more specifically, what comes after. it’s something that no one knows the answer to so he has taken it upon himself to try and figure it out. how, you ask? think flatliners. he hooks himself (and other people occasionally) to a machine then injects them with a drug to stop their heart. they die, the two minute countdown begins, then they’re resuscitated. he’s been getting a little too brave lately though and letting himself flatline for longer periods of time.

even though those two things in particular could get him not only kicked out of school, but ruin his chances of getting into med school, there are others that would pretty much bury his entire reputation six feet under. since he was in his early teens, breckin has been living a sort of double life. he pretends to be a nice boy who only has good intentions, but he couldn’t be more opposite. he loves breaking hearts, hurting others, and humiliating them. more often than not, he dates people solely for that.

even though he doesn’t need the money, he loves attention so he started up his very own little artistic porn blog on tumblr (throw it back to when that shit was still allowed). he began when he was a freshman and has accumulated around forty thousand followers in that time. he never shows his face or anything but he posts pretty racy photos and sells pictures, videos, and audio recordings to those that are willing to pay.

breckin has a very packed schedule between studying pre-med, playing sports, and keeping up with all of his other extracurricular activities that he doesn’t find much time to do normal things like sleeping, eating, etc. this has pushed him to find other means to sustain him that mostly include divulging in various drugs of choice.

▶ POTENTIAL PLOT IDEAS

these are just barebone ideas that could and should be expanded on. but, again, they’re only ideas and i’m really open to plotting just about anything? especially if you have smth in particular that you really want filled, please don’t be afraid to come to me about it! all plots are also open to any muse of any gender!

TEAMMATE(S) — breck is really into sports (specifically more aggressive ones) so if your muse plays any such as: football, lacrosse, hockey, etc then hmu! we can do full blown rivals, playful rivals, mates who just help keep each other motivated to do their best, etc.

HALF SIBLING — if you read the background info then you’ll know that breck’s mom pretty much disappeared then showed back up with two new kids who are his half siblings. however, one of them is pretty close to his age so it’d be cool to have them around? especially considering the fact that he ended up killing their mother yikes! even though they obvs don’t know that it could make for some good writing to explore them finding it out in the future!

ROMANTIC(?) — i’m talkin fwb, exes that he’s played, one night stands, etc. considering the fact that his schedule has only gotten busier and busier, he doesn’t really have time to date around like he used to but he still has needs, damn, so essketit!

PARTY BUDDY — breck likes to party a lot and likes to get fucked up so he needs some friends who’ll humor him and who can keep up with all of his wild shenanigans.

DRUG DEALER — with the amount of shit he does (both personally and otherwise) he could keep your character completely funded himself lmao! hes got a lot of money so let his dumbass give it to you!

NEIGHBOR(S) — breck doesn’t live on campus cause fuck that hes too old for it and he hated it anyway so he lives in an apartment which means your muse? could be his neighbor idk this is super vague but we could do a lot with it just trust me!

SECRETS(?) — considering a couple of his secrets are a little out there it’d be kinda cool to have someone in on them. like, with his whole experimenting on people thing and basically killing them then bringing them back to see what they experienced ya....... could be fun literally someone gimme it!

[tiaraofsapphires]

Starlight’s Bridge- Chapter 1

A NEW JAAL/SARA FIC BECAUSE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I HAVE NO SENSE OF SELF-CONTROL

Summary: Their union would unite their peoples, whether they liked it or not. aka the Royalty!AU that literally nobody asked for. You’re getting it anyway.

Read on Ao3 here!

Sara knew it was a privilege to be born into royalty. It meant a full belly and a roof over her head. Clothes and books and want for nothing material.

But, like all things, that sort of security came at a price.

Her life was dictated by one immutable fact: that her freedom, her life, could be made forfeit in the name of protecting the people.

It wasn’t something to be met with fear, but with a sense of honor. It was an honor to serve, to lead.

This applied to both her and Scott, but to her especially.

She was the first-born. It was random chance that she was born before her brother, the first twin, making her heir apparent and him second in line.

It had been a relief to the politicians who orbited and leeched off of the crown, the ones who the people elected and connived in their towering headquarters.

The King and Queen of Hyperion had two children.

Scott was an extraneous part in their eyes, in case Sara had died before she could ascend the throne, in case Sara ran errant and was forced to abdicate.

An ugly thing to say, often whispered between the fawning bureaucrats, honeyed tones turned to poison as soon as they were out of earshot. It was one of the many reasons Alec kept his children as far away from the Citadel and its bureaucrats as possible.

She was Princess Sara. She was to be queen, one day.

Her life was meant to be of sacrifice, for the good of the people. It meant countless sleepless nights, the burden of millions of souls.

It meant dealing with the threat of war. It meant looking to the future, both of her family and families she would never meet.

This was her fate. And she accepted that.

Sacrifices had to be made for the good of the people. It was a given, something drilled into her head the moment she was old enough to comprehend it.

She already lost plenty of sleep over the people her family was charged with protecting.

…

Sam found her tucked in a remote corner of the palace, one hand fiddling with the hem of her slacks and the other holding up a datapad.

She had missed out on a Prothean dig in Leusinia’s mountains the days before, but Peebee had sent her files of their findings. Sara dug through them with envy, mentally comparing what they had found to what she had found in previous sites.

The set of files came with a short message: Come on, Princess. Shed those palace digs and join me at this dig!

And really, Sara would have and should have gone, taken her required security detail with her, and gotten her hands dirty. But Alec had tightened her leash recently, virtually forbidding her to leave Hyperion.

She just had to hope something interesting showed up in Hyperion so she could leave and actually do something.

She wasn’t holding her breath. When humans were given their share of land and kingdom on Nexus many centuries ago, they were—likely unintentionally—shoved into the most boring archaeology-wise part of the planet.

It was enough for her to publish three academic papers—under pseudonym of course—but if she lived in Leusinia, she would’ve had enough for ten.

Damn it, why did the asari get to have all the fun?

“Your Highness.”

Sara started and almost rolled her eyes at the sound of Sam’s voice. Sara had known Sam as long as she had been alive, more of a father to her than her own father. Yet, he still used all the proper titles, hardly ever used her name.

“Yeah?” she sighed.

She looked to him as he rose from a bow. Another formality that he clung to.

Yeah, thanks Sam, she got it. She was royalty. It meant she had few friends and way more responsibilities than some would predict.

“Your father requests your presence in his office.”

She cocked a brow, interest piqued.

There were very few things that would merit her father calling her into his office. It was almost always to inform her of something important. Like an attack or a military engagement or the signing of an important treaty.

And when it wasn’t, it was an occasion he took to reprimand her on something she did wrong. That happened more often than not. She liked looking for artifacts, talking with real people, and experiencing life outside the palace walls, so what?

She, of course, tried to avoid scandal and drawing attention to herself but if there was a situation that needed mediating, of course she stuck her nose in it. What was the point of having influence if you can’t throw it around on occasion?

“Alright. Thanks, Sam. By the way, you are allowed to call me Sara, you know that.”

He nodded, a wry smirk twisting his features.

“Of course, Your Royal Highness, Princess Sara.”

She actually rolled her eyes at that.

“Thanks Sam. Walk with me.”

Sam nodded again, this time with more of a smile.

“Of course.”

They walked through the halls of her home, their home, really, side-by-side.

They got respectful nods and salutes from the people they passed, most of them directed at her and not at Sam. While not royalty—to be honest, Sara didn’t know where Sam actually came from or how he came into her father’s service—Sam was respected by most. Belittled and mistrusted by a few, since being at the king’s ear drew ire from politicians who desired a similar position.

The man was striking: dark skin, electric-blue eyes, and hair white as snow. He was also probably the smartest human alive. It probably helped Sam’s case in being her father’s right hand, his eyes and ears.

Put Sam and her father in a room, and there was little they couldn’t do.

Sara spoke up after a moment of quiet. “Any idea what my dad wants to talk about? Or has he told you to keep your mouth shut?”

She glanced over at Sam. His face was a careful blank, as usual.

“I was made aware of the topic before I was sent to get you. But he wishes to tell you himself. So, I will, as you say, keep my mouth shut.”

Sara sighed. Of course. Right. Leave it to her dad to be secretive. She wanted to know what was so important that he sent Sam to fetch her personally, as soon as possible.

“Does this only involve me? Or is Scott in trouble too?”

“No, this has nothing to do with your brother.”

Okay, that narrowed things down a little bit. Not a lot, but a little.

Finally, they stopped in front of two ornate doors.

Sam murmured, “He wished to speak with you privately. So, I will take my leave.”

Sara nodded.

“Okay. See you later, Sam.”

He held the door open for her, nodding. She stepped into the room and the door closed softly behind her.

Deathly silence in the room, not even the soft murmur of music.

“Dad,” Sara said, in a way of announcing her presence. Her voice was strong and steady and she internally high-fived herself for not sounding like a guilty child.

Alec was seated in his desk chair, turned so his back was to her. He didn’t move to acknowledge her, didn’t say a word. Sara thought about calling out his name, but instead took the opportunity to look around a bit.

There were bookshelves and models and maps on every wall—not unlike the inside of her room—except for the one right behind the desk.

Behind his chair was a large painting.

Her father, stern as always, but also younger, a little happier and a little less tired, stood stiff, staring forward. The Hyperion crown sat on a head of hair that had more brown than grey. Her mother sat on a stool next to him, regal, kind, a small smile curling at the edges of her mouth. Her tiara was delicate, dress simple. Scientist and gentlewoman, the love of Hyperion’s king.

Sara sat on a slightly shorter stool next to Ellen, Scott standing behind Sara.

The artist had taken liberties on her and Scott’s appearances. This was painted when they were teenagers, soft and gangly and awkward, before they grew into their bodies.

It was a happier time. A picture of blue and green and white and gold.

Now, Ellen was dead, had been for a while. Alec was distant and solemn, worn down to the bone and turning grey. And Sara and Scott had matured and struggled to find their places in the world.

Finally, Alec turned in his chair.

“Sara,” he greeted.

She bowed her head slightly in deference. Though he was her father, he was still king. And it meant that everyone treated him with respect, even his own children.

“Dad. Is something wrong?”

Another question she could’ve asked was ‘Did I do something wrong?’ She couldn’t think of any recent issues that would’ve required a summons.

Alec’s mouth twitched sardonically and a pit of dread formed in Sara’s stomach.

Crap, something was definitely wrong. She didn’t know what, but she knew enough about her dad to know that something was at least not-good.

“Come,” Alec said, gesturing to the empty space next to him behind his desk.

Sara obeyed with little hesitation. She slowly rounded the large desk and stood next to him.

This was how it could have been. If Alec hadn’t been wrapped up in his duties and set out to keep his children at arms’ length, they could actually have a relationship that couldn’t be boiled down to because-we’re-family-we-love-each-other-just-by-virtue-of-being-family.

“What do you see?” He gestured to the holographic image of a planet, a familiar one.

This felt like a test. She didn’t know what kind of test it was, but she wasn’t in a position to not humor Alec in whatever he had planned.

“Heleus, our sister planet,” Sara said.

War-torn, a fifth of its land occupied. Reports came in daily of attacks on villages and towns at the borders, a dozen, a few dozen, dying at a time.

The kett hadn’t come to Nexus yet, but Nexus peoples have died when they attacked shipping transports and trade hubs on Heleus.

Mere weeks earlier was the 10-year anniversary of a massacre that killed a thousand people in a trading market on Heleus, many of whom were Nexus citizens.

Sara remembered the mass funerals for the human victims. She was young, but not so young that the tragedy was hidden from her. She stood behind the podium with her brother and mother as Alec gave a speech.

He gave condolences, asked for vigilance, asked that the Nexus didn’t cut off Heleus in reflex to the attack.

“Their pain is our pain and our pain is their pain. Their war is our war,” he had said.

The isolationists hissed and gnashed their teeth in the face of the idea, but they were a minority. Cooperation with Heleus continued, albeit cautious and strained.

Sara blinked as she came back into focus to Alec speaking. “—the kett have plenty to gain from taking over Heleus: slave labor, mining resources, cutting off trade routes.”

He pointed at spots in Heleus where there were known kett bases and hotspots of fighting. Sara’s eyes followed his finger, not really catching the gist of why he called her in the first place.

He continued, “That would make a subsequent strike against Nexus more in their favor. We have our armies, arguably just as strong as the kett. But we are almost entirely reliant on imports of ores from Heleus to make weapons. If the trading stops, eventually there won’t be enough guns, enough ammo, to go around.”

This war started before she was born, before her father was born. That was a lot of time, a lot of suffering. The angara were strong, were able to keep kett gains to a minimum over the decades, containing them, but never defeating them.

And there had been whispers of a Heleus-Nexus summit in order to better deal with this shared threat. Nobody confirmed anything to her, for security reasons.

But why was Alec telling her this? She could pull up the same records without her father’s help and look for herself.

“You’re beating around the bush, Dad. What’s going on?”

Alec glared at her and before she could think to apologize for her outburst, he sighed.

“Dowager Queen Sahuna Ama Darav of Havarl, a large territory in Heleus, made contact with the Nexus heads of state with an offer.”

“What kind of offer?”

They were getting to the part where it was pertinent to her. If the grit of Alec’s teeth was anything to go by, the offer was not a happy one.

“She offered her son, Jaal, in a political marriage with one of the Nexus royal families.”

Sara blinked at that information.

“I—”

Alec barreled on as if she didn’t speak. “Asari and humans are the only ones who can have children with the angara. Leusinia’s queen and council have already refused the offer.”

The reason Alec called her quickly fell into place in her mind.

“But you haven’t,” Sara said slowly.

Alec sighed and turned in his chair to face her directly.

“Nexus needs a tangible connection to Heleus and the angara outside of trade and military alliances. It will give people hope that there will be a future. It will also improve Hyperion’s standing amongst the Nexus kingdoms.”

The other shoe dropped. And she knew he wasn’t referring to Scott to be the one to marry this…Jaal.

Sara said, “So, you want me to marry him?”

For a moment, she thought Alec would burst out laughing, telling her it was a joke, like he, after the twenty-two years she knew him, suddenly grew a sense of humor. Instead, he nodded.

Fuck.

“Jaal and a host of angara representatives will be in Hyperion in four days. You and Jaal will be introduced. You can...talk, get to know each other.”

He made it sound like the decision had already been made. It probably was. Knowing her father, he answered ‘yes’ the moment the offer landed on his desk.

It was almost funny to see how the whole idea of this was uncomfortable for him. He never asked about her romantic life. Now, he made himself the architect of it.

Marriage to a man she didn’t know and didn’t love. Expected as a symbol of unity. Expected to bear a child, maybe several children, as tangible proof of a Nexus-Heleus alliance.

Scott was going to have a heart attack when she told him.

Alec continued, “And if he proposes and you accept, well, we will work on it from there.”

Sara chewed on the inside of her cheek.

“Did you talk to Tann and the rest of the Citadel? Do they approve of this?”

The four kingdoms had power, considerable power, but they all answered to the Citadel, a group of elected representatives. Surely, they had to have a say in this. A politically arranged marriage between humans and the angara would not only affect Hyperion but the rest of Nexus as well.

Alec crossed his arms, looking utterly defiant.

“Tann and the Citadel don’t know about this, yet. They will soon. They will have enough on their hands with negotiations with the other angara representatives. I don’t need their approval when it comes to my family.”

Sara blinked at the acid Alec seemed to spit at the idea of answering to the Citadel regarding this.

It was no secret he had next to no respect for Tann or Addison. There were few Citadel leadership he tolerated, much less respected.

Alec sighed again.

“I know I am asking much of you. You are my daughter and my heir and strength runs in our family.”

She wished she could take him on his word. She wished he could take that as an expression of his fatherly love and pride for her and leave it like that.

She wasn’t fooled, knew most of it was in an attempt to persuade her. An appeal to her pride or something.

But she knew, and she was pretty sure he knew, what her answer was after he gave her this offer.

“I will do it, Dad.” The words were out of her mouth, in the open. She was waving the white flag of surrender in a face of a potential conflict she wasn’t willing to fight. “It’s—it’s my duty, right? For the people?”

For the people. That was where it started and ended, wasn’t it? Do it for the people?

He nodded, relaxing slightly. Maybe he expected her to fight him on it. Demand that it wasn’t fair.

Well, it really wasn’t fair. She just wasn’t going to argue that point. Life wasn’t fair.

She made the right answer. There wasn’t a choice. She knew that.

She glanced away and up at their family portrait, to four faces. She didn’t want to look at the living man in the chair.

The world was complicated back then and nothing had changed.

Arranged marriages were supposed to be things in storybooks, things that happened centuries ago, especially when humans were trying to keep and maintain a foothold of power on Nexus.

“You know, your mother probably wouldn’t have approved of this,” Alec mused, following her gaze, sounding self-deprecating.

Sara exhaled a laugh. “Probably not. She wanted me and Scott to fall in love, like you and her did.”

Ellen’s deathbed request, as the last of her life began to leak away.

She turned back to Alec. He looked sad. It was a hollow victory to see some sort of emotion that wasn’t either anger or detachment on his face.

Sara knew that part of Alec died the moment Ellen died. The loss had broken his heart, as it did Sara’s and Scott’s.

“We don’t all have that luxury,” Alec said. “I wish I could have given it to you and your brother.”

Alec drummed his fingers on his desk before pulling up another file, this one looking more like a person’s profile.

The somber mood was forced away. Back to professionalism, father and daughter only in name and in blood.

“I don’t know the details of what will happen after the wedding,” Alec said. “It is likely you will live half the time here and half the time in Havarl. We will iron out the details later.”

She nodded, could hear the forced attempt at a light tone in his voice.

She couldn’t smile at him.

“Okay. Tell me more about my future husband.”

[jenbrookmodel]

Cathy Keen

Artist statement on The Act project: click HERE

Cathy Keen, Lapdancer

With seventeen years’ experience under her rhinestone bikini belt, Cathy Keen’s interpretation of female power leaves us questioning what society has taught us. The thirty-six year old began erotic dancing in order to pay university fees. However nearly two decades on and with regular clients forming lasting bonds (so much, that she has met a few of their wives), she says that the choice to work in the sex industry is what defines feminism; she is not a victim of force.

Cathy tells us of the underground world, that despite dipping in and out of for many years, has never truly left her. As a property developer for three years, boasting a bachelor's degree to her name, brains and drive are not something Ms Keen lacks. Yet the flexible hours, generous wage and supportive family-like environment of the strip club can never be quite matched by the unsatisfying normality of the 9-5 corporate world.

She recalls the beginnings of her dancing days derived from casual hostessing; “We drink with customers and take commission from their bill so they don’t feel like they’re paying for our company.” Whilst it sounds all champagne on ice and wild parties to us, Cathy explains the psyche of the club’s clients, the relationship with her regulars and the role she has acquired as an unqualified therapist.

“In between these four walls...” *points to the black paint between the glistening coloured spotlights of the dark club* “...I connect with people in a way I cannot beyond that steel door. I can slide underneath the exterior shell we build up in the ‘real’ world. You’re automatically unarmed inside here”.

The plot thickens.

“My job specification isn’t just dancing and stripping. I’m a listener; an agony aunt. I am a constant companion to those who feel alone. I’m not going anywhere or too bored to listen. I’m an outside ear who can provide support and comfort. As a dancer, it’s not like escorting because we can’t fulfill those who come here with sexual frustrations. We just tease and we help those who want to be heard. I actually prefer international rules, which means there can be physical, but not sexual contact. That way I can sit on the client and get close - and as long as they’re respectful of boundaries, you can connect on a deeper level that way; something that truly lends something else to the experience. It’s not graphic, more sensual actually.”

As an advocate for ‘international rules’, we feel obliged to ask the question if Cathy feels attracted to her clients, or indeed if she has ever met a boyfriend at work.

“I don’t have to be attracted or feel chemistry to feel some sort of connection. In fact some are just like mannequins to me. But I do try to ‘like’ all of my customers to make it a positive experience for them. I think that’s really important. I’ve been on two dates with clients. One was terrible and the other was much later in my career and I was deeply connected to that person. Men often try to ask for more - I’m probably propositioned most nights. They’re actually quite creative and eloquent with pushing their luck! I understand though, they want to feel like they got something more, as though I’m providing more than my job requires. I’ve been offered large sums of money for sex in the past, but I’ve never felt the need to go that far. I’m sometimes paid £600 per hour just to talk, so I wouldn’t be tempted by much. Plus I have a good lifestyle where a few grand isn’t going to change my life dramatically. It’s important to know that the girls who do ‘extras’ are tempted by proximity because they want to, not because they have to. Those girls don’t tend to last long as a dancer.”

On the topic of money, what Cathy earns is of course the elephant in the room topic we want to delve into. In the company of such an honest and open character, we waste no time in asking her to expand on the subject.

“There are two types of girl in the stripclub - 'good time' girls and girls who want to earn as much money as possible for doing as little as they can. In my experience, strippers are more like the latter - divas! With regards to wages, on a really quiet night if nobody shows up, you can end up in debt to the club. This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, but it can. However, some girls will earn £20,000 in one night if they’re with a customer who is in love with them and willing to part with that kind of cash. I once made £7000 in one night from a regular who didn’t even buy a private dance. Instead I spent time in the VIP suite keeping him company, hoarding his attention all night.”

Since we’ve covered sex and money, our conversation progresses onto drugs. The industry is presumed rife with recreational drug use, supposedly to ‘zone out’ of the infliction of ‘horrors’ from the sex trade. Yet every woman we have encountered thus far, has not once described themselves in need of escapism.

“Drugs play a part in my recreational life. But if we’re only talking work, then no. Even on a separate level to professionalism, drugs shut me down emotionally so I can’t take them at work for that reason. When I’m on a night out, I don’t have to watch my P’s and Q’s or take money from people - I can relax on drugs, but not at at the stripclub. It pays to be focused in the work environment. I can’t imagine that’s exclusive to my job.”

Although there have been times when Cathy has felt like she has no other options, where her lack of professional skills have almost strangled her, she goes on to tell us how much freedom she has had in her life built from dancing; the liberations of independence and self-sufficiency.

“I’m a wife, a mother and trained property developer now, but I look back over the last decade and I remember all the places I’ve been, the cars I have driven and the people I have met. I know it all sounds very materialistic, but it’s more about life experiences to me. I cannot express how intense the comradery is here; the sisterhood amongst the dancers is like no other. We know each other and recognise fragile states and we work through them together. We’re family.”

As a wife and a mother, we had to ask Cathy about her own family. Having already touched upon the pro’s of flexible working hours, we are curious to know if her controversial occupation has ever been an issue to those closest to her. “I was already dancing when I met my partner, so it’s never been a problem because it’s always been a part of me. He knew who I was from the start. Strangely enough, when I had my son, it made me think I was only living for him. But dancing allows me to do something for me and recognise my femininity. I am proud to be independent, but does that make me a feminist?”

“I don’t like to label myself as a feminist because it socially represents the women who have fought to end my line of work - but taking my clothes off for money empowers me. I’m not a victim of anything or anyone. I feel empowered by everything I do. Men enjoy how I look, like I enjoy how other women look, but I’m not sexually attracted to them. Feminists tend to think dancing goes against the equality that women have fought for, but when I can choose to do a job that I enjoy and still earn a substantial wage from doing it - can taking my clothes off really be anti-feminist? There is a kind of ethereal quality to femininity that you are encouraged to promote in a strip club; a type that women aren't allowed to display in a normal workplace. I enjoy being able to project my gender openly without being judged for it and being supported by not only men, but also the women around me.”

“People find me sexually attractive for my body and sexuality is a great power, not a terrible weakness. I don’t necessarily want to be considered a feminist because I find the inequality between men and women very beautiful. Men have strengths as well as weaknesses, as do women, both in very different ways (with exceptions to the rule). If you try to fight a man in a man’s way, you won’t win...because he’s a man. In the same way a man can’t fight a woman in a woman’s way...because she’s a woman. To me, feminism isn’t about a small group of women deciding what they think is best for womankind as a whole, it’s about being able to make a choice - and stripping is something I want to do. Surely that’s the definition of pro-feminism.”

Standing before us in a red lace bodice, her naturally small breasts and admirable fitness physique already contradicts our misconceptions before she speaks. When she opens her mouth, Cathy is an educated graduate, a mother and a monogamous lover with wisdom beyond her youth-full years. With a captivating understanding of true femininity, culture, society and equality beyond many politician’s capability, clever Cathy is all woman. 

Writer: Jen Brook

Photographer: Julia Fullerton Batten

From the internationally published art series, The Act, 2016.

Catch Julia talking about her work and The Act, at The Photography Show, on Tuesday 21st March. 

** Follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/jenbrookmodelling Instagram @jen_brook_ & my website www.jenbrook.com **

[achildoftheivy-blog]

Chapter 2: With a Little Help from my Acquaintances

I see your facebook and instagram pics. You know, the ones where you are out on the town or an event and you just take that amazing selfie with your friends or your bestie. I’m jealous of that. I don’t have that. I used to have that with her. For 10 years I had that and that was all I ever needed. That one true best friend. Before her and now after her. Nothing. 

And I don’t know fucking why. OK, so maybe I kinda do. All throughout school I was the super introvert quiet one. I was always taught to be polite and follow the rules. Everyone else just did whatever the hell they wanted and got along with each other and made a bunch of friends consequences be damned. Trying to fit in and being a victim of bullying also didn’t help my confidence. I was stuck in this hell. Alone. So when it did come time to sack up and try to be friends with an acquaintance they would always much rather hang out with there better friends. Also there is just huge trust issues I have with people. I have no idea where exactly that problem came from. That’s a thing that would have to be dug into by a therapist or something. But there was a time I just didn’t speak to anyone. I just observed people and mentally take notes about them so I could tell if they were good people that wouldn’t hurt me. But by the time I felt comfortable it could have been months or years and I was just that weird quiet kid. So 0% of being friends there. The only friends I thought I had were the ones who aloud me to listen in on their conversations with their group. 

Pictured: My before before the school year and planning to make a bunch of new friends

 Pictured: Yearbook signing day

It wasn’t until I met Her, that she for some weird amazing reason started talking to me. This super overweight loser with the style of a 12 year old was getting the attention of what I considered the prettiest and coolest girl in school, albeit and very small school.  I felt as though I had won life’s lottery. I had finally gotten a best friend. 

                                 Pictured: Super Overweight Film School Loser 

Now flash forward 15 years later from high school and one separation later it’s more or less the same nonsense. No one wants to hang out with me. Don’t know why. One of the better things that came out of the marriage was that I gained a ton of confidence and the need to explore new things. But everyone is either busy or they rather hang out with other people. OR even worse, if it’s a girl they think I’m hitting on them or trying to seduce or something like that. 

BOOM Random Rambling Topic

If you had the chance to look at any of my social media, it’s dominated by women. Don’t know why, I just like conversating and hanging out with women more than guys. It has nothing to do with anything sexual or the like. I just believe I can have more meaningful conversations with them than my same sex. Also, I have hung around way too many men who just do way too much of that locker room talk BS. Sorry, but I have ZERO tolerance with any form of objectifying women. So no, not every guy does “Locker Room” talk, so it’s definitely not acceptable no matter how private it is. 

Random Rambling Topic UNBOOM

Now I guess one of the big things I’m trying to figure out in a post-marriage life is, what the hell is wrong with me that no one can stand being in my presence. That I’m not valuable to anyone’s time. Is it something I’m not offering, am I boring? Am I not acting a certain way? I know what I am. I lean more on the sensitive artistic caring scale, but should that be enough to deny me company from another human being? I know I can be a sarcastic smart ass and that is off putting, but I think that it’s just a defense mechanism just to make me seem not as sensitive artistic and caring.  

This is all stuff that will keep me up into the dead of night just thinking about. Over and over. It’s exhausting. 

But here is what I have decided. I can’t control the people who want to be a part of my life. Like actively a part of my life. Like seriously taking an interest in what I do and at least caring about how I’m doing. I can’t handle much more relationships that are just a one way street. But to the ones who make me feel as though I add value to your life, I truly appreciate it.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been actively trying to help people who have made my life better is one shape or another. No I don’t want a favor and no I’m not flirting with you, I simply feel as though I don’t want to lose you from my life. I think that you are interesting and important enough to me for me to do whatever it takes to keep you happy with me. I figure I’m not cool enough to breeze on by with just my personality alone, I need to put in extra effort to make myself seem important.  OK, I don’t mean to make all that sound that creepy dammit. I just don’t have a lot of people to connect to and all this exploring, adventuring, and experiencing over the past few month has made me realize the importance of human connections. We aren’t made to be alone. 

So to wrap things up. I’ve decided to actively help people who help me feel better about myself. Since that is the only way I feel like people can stand being around me. I will also just let life handle the work of who should be in my life. Pursuing people for friendship is a tiring and aggravating chore. For me, it never works out and is always a recipe for disappointed.  I still don’t feel I have any friends. It feels weird for me to call someone my friend, because I feel as though they don’t feel the same way. But that’s OK, because I can start calling you acquaintances and then you’ll really feel awkward about it. 

Wait!?

Where are you going?!

You wanna hang out this week?

Next week?

COME BACK!!!

OK maybe sometime soon!!!!

[intheliteraturesense]

Fake Happy

Sometimes in life I’m about to do something or write about a particular topic, I’ll get all prepared in advance and in that time, something related to that topic will happen and I’ll sit there stunned like “Well…shit…”.

This happened last year when I was thinking of writing a piece on the atmosphere and the intense love I feel at every gay pride march I attend, a few days later the horrific massacre at Pulse nightclub happened and I couldn’t write or speak about anything for some time. It wasn’t because I had some personal connection to these people, I know the grief police will be screaming “You didn’t know them” but the truth is it doesn’t matter if I did or not, these people mattered regardless. The fact this was an attack on particular group/community is honestly what broke me, which sounds maybe over dramatic but it’s the truth because it hit me a lot harder than I could’ve imagined. This happens to me sometimes, I feel too much or get too involved or invested in my perfect idealistic view that when something happens to shatter that dream that “things are getting better” it knocks me clean off my feet for a minute. It happened before with the death of Ned Vizzini which I’ve written about before I’m sure and I will write a little on here too, but it’s recently happened again. I was originally going to write this post after hearing a song of Paramore’s new album, called ‘Fake Happy’ which I immediately loved and related to a lot upon first listen. I suppose in a lot of ways those original ideas for this post are still fundamentally the same as it is all connected. Upon hearing the lyrics to this song I couldn’t help think about all the creative people I’ve loved and admired for many years and all the creative people I know in my life and how they all suffered/suffer from things like depression, bipolar disorder, etc. and it made me aware of this link people commonly make between creativity and depression. As most people know by now (Thursday 18/05) or at least by the time I post this, the lead singer of the incredibly influential band Soundgarden, Chris Cornell sadly passed away after what appears to be suicide. Before an official cause of death was announced, I was overcome with sadness and shock even though I definitely wasn’t a huge Audioslave or Soundgarden fan because I was a rock/grunge fan regardless how much I listened to his music, I had immense respect for someone who not only was amazingly talented (and inspired majority of the bands I idolise) but also seemed like a genuine lovely person. So once again this one hit me in a way I didn’t really expect because I was just so stunned, and a moment later a thought entered into my head “Please don’t let it be suicide, that would just be horrible for his family and everyone”. I’m aware it’s an extremely pessimistic and bleak thought to have but it says a lot about how often this is the case in regards to people involved in the arts.

As I mentioned before a similar punch to the gut type feeling happened when I learnt of the death of one of my favourite writers, Ned Vizzini. Although Ned didn’t get the chance to write many novels, the ones he did were poignant and beautiful. When I learnt he had committed suicide, it hit me even harder that he was gone because his novels were somewhat autobiographical in that they were partly based on his own experiences with depression at a young age. I think that’s why it was heart breaking for me to hear how he died, because part of me (the optimist) felt like he had learnt to deal with his depression, not completely erase but that he had come to a point where he could know the signs and manage it better than he had previously. It made hearing the reality so much harder, but in a sad way the reality is just that it’s the real truth. Depression comes in waves. Sometimes it’s not constant. Sometimes it reoccurs. Sometimes we need to get help over again after thinking it wouldn’t happen as bad again. There is no magical cure as painful as that is to realise, it is something we deal with it in varying levels at various times in our lives. What’s important obviously is to not succumb to it, to keep fighting and most importantly to let people know and get help. *This is not to suggest that both Ned and Chris would be fine if they had just talked to someone, I’m in no way suggesting that but I feel like what I’m talking about is painful and upsetting and like I need to put some advice of some kind here so I apologise if it seems like I’m oversimplifying these issues, it’s in no way my intention. I just don’t know how to write this* I think a lot of the things I’ve discussed so far are what drew me to the lyrics in the song ‘Fake Happy’ because the whole song is based on the idea that we aren’t the only ones faking happy. It directly acknowledges the fact that many people (perhaps particularly my generation in this current time) are suffering with depression and/or isolation etc. yet they are choosing to put on a fake smile for everyone else. What makes this a little ironic is we are currently living in a time where mental health awareness is much more prominent and discussed than ever before, yet so many of us continue to fake happy. I’ll admit it it’s a hard conversation to have, not only with your family and the people that love you but it’s a hard conversation to have with your own self. It’s hard to come to that conclusion that things aren’t okay and you might need some help after all, I think as human beings regardless of differences, fundamentally we all try so desperately to be brave and hold on to the idea of “It’s bad but it’s not that bad” or rather “I’m just a little down, it’s not that serious”. I think we all do that and that’s partly where this admiration for people who actually do say “You know what? I think I need some help” comes from, we admire strength and courage in others, that we feel we do not possess ourselves. I have been one of those people in admiration recently since a number of artists from my favourite bands have been very open about starting therapy or even that they have been put on medication, which is incredibly personal thing to announce to the world.

I’m immediately happy for them and admire them because I’m aware how hard it is to reach that point where you stop telling yourself everything is okay and start saying “It’s not okay”. It seems odd to me sometimes that we live in a time of intense awareness to look after your mental health, but everyone sees these posters or hears these talks and believes they are referring to someone else and not them. It’s within our nature to say or think “There is always someone worse of” but the thing is, that doesn’t really fucking matter when it comes to depression. People often exclaim ill-informed statements like “Depression is selfish” or “Suicide is selfish”, and I want to hit these people repeatedly with a bat but I’m desperately trying to live a pacifist life so I don’t. The reality is of course that depression isn’t selfish, the prime fucking reason it’s not it’s the overwhelming fact that people generally don’t seek help for various reasons including that they don’t think it’s that serious and that other people have it worse. Once again I’m apologising if I’m oversimplifying but fuck that idea that someone else has it worse, you feel the way you feel and that fucking matters! Regardless of who has it worse in the world, every single one of us deserves a chance at happiness, every single one of us deserves love, every single one of us deserves help when we need and every single one of us deserves support. I think creative people fall victim to this way of thinking, primarily because they are so focused on emotion and people other than themselves generally of course. I’ve always been one of those people who can pick up on people’s emotions by walking into the room they’re in, I can even tell when a conflict or something painful has occurred. So this makes me one of those people that stays quiet when things are at their worst, because that phrase enters my head “Someone else has it a lot worse”. The truth is though that we can’t help every single person in this world who has it worse than us, we can damn sure try but we simply can’t. Therefore the person that needs our help and our support is often ourselves, we need to realise we deserve help too because although ‘technically’ in our minds someone has it worse, we still feel the way we feel and that’s important. Screw being silent about it being brave, actually coming forward and talking about it is brave.

I’m writing this still upset by the loss of Chris, Ned and the many others we have lost who created incredibly beautiful and deeply moving pieces of art often from their own places of pain or hurt. I’m writing this knowing I don’t have any answers or resolutions good enough for myself to give me back some sense of right in the world or explain why these things are the way they are or why good people are plagued with inner demons. I don’t think anyone has those answers, but all we can do now is try to be better to one another and try talking to lessen the fear and stigma that surrounds these issues. I know talking doesn’t magically solve everything but god damn it’s a step in the right direction and that’s all we’ve got right now. I’m still sad we’ve lost another beautiful person who unknowingly/knowingly helped millions of people with their own inner demons and depression, I’ll probably always be sad when people bring it up or talk about him. I’ll be sad because it doesn’t seem fair or right that someone who does good had to struggle internally, I’ll be sad because I’m sick of how that story too often ends. I’ll always be sad about it, but myself and all of us have to remember what these people tried to do in their various ways. They tried to make the world a little better, people’s burdens a little lighter and most of all they’d tried to connect people to one another so we knew we weren’t alone. They may not be here anymore, but we still are. We still have a chance. We have to create, we have to try make things better in little or big ways, we have to be good to one another and we have to talk about the things that matter. I’m sorry if this comes off as preachy, I just don’t know what else to say other than we shouldn’t ‘fake happy’ especially when we know that there is an incredibly high chance we aren’t the only one faking it. It’s okay not to be okay. But it’s important to talk about it.

Love & hugs, Shannon