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julysn · 4 months

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what’s your eta? || 02 : contemplation

ship: kyle broflovski x fem!reader

synopsis: Y/N thinks about her relationship with Cartman and makes a decision.

wc: ≈3900

everyone’s in high school, canon divergence, based off of s21 e7 (doubling down), y/n is NOT heidi turner. slightly ooc, whatever.

read on ao3 | prev | masterlist | playlist | next

notes: late upload now i need to post on wattpad too 😒

yes u can read this if u haven’t watched the episode it’s based off of!

Lost in a world of thought, you barely even acknowledged the sound of keys jingling from outside of the gymnasium.

It had been 3 months and 23 days since you had first begun to date Eric Cartman, and the painful regret was slowly starting to stab. You had known for a while now that this wasn’t the best relationship, but the only thing that stopped you from escaping the cell of toxicity he had trapped you in was your pride.

Yes, your pride. You were in too deep, and you had spent so much time defending and shielding him from all of the others, so how would it really affect you if you finally left? Would the response be filled with ridicule or kindness? That was definitely a coin you didn’t want to flip, even if you knew what the true outcome was.

Because, in reality, it’d be both. You’d get both congratulated yet made fun of at the same time. And you didn’t want to sit through that, not after you had spent so much time and energy defending your boyfriend from your classmates.

You knew exactly how the girls would act and you could honestly predict what they’d say if you were to ever leave Eric. Condescending comments about how you’ve finally left him, before making fun of you for even choosing to stay with him in the first place. Yeah, you would’ve left a long, long time ago, but the one roadblock keeping your car from moving was your pride.

But it wasn’t your fault, was it? You were in a bad place when he came along–you felt like you were at the worst point of your life, the lowest vertex one could ever reach. Depression had gotten to you, and though you had dear and loving friends, you still felt as if you were pushed away from society. It felt as if you had drifted on the waters of acceptance, and then you were suddenly back on shore, on land, alone with no one else to go with.

That was how you felt when you first started dating Cartman. He saw how depressed and down you were, and soon, he was there, saying everything you needed to hear and doing everything you needed to be done. No matter how many times he treated you wrong, you weren’t doing well and you had finally found someone to lean on.

So it’d be appropriate for you to finally leave, now that you were mentally stable and in a better place, right? Wrong. It all came back to your pride. The fear of ridicule. How desperately you wanted to avoid the condescension and let your ego stay inflated.

Your train of thought left the station before arriving at another, namely, how he won’t change.

Oh, how you wished Eric Cartman would change for the better. Deep down, you knew he was a good person.. but the longer you were with him, the more this belief began to dissolve. He would never change. People like him would never change.

You loved him dearly; everyone knew that. But he treated you horribly sometimes. One day, he’d say I love you, and the next, he’d be manipulative and toxic, and the cycle would repeat and repeat like a CD on a loop.

Deep down, he was a good person, right? He wasn’t like the toxic, absolutely shitty person you (and everyone else) had seen, right? Most things had logical explanations, and surely the truth behind his toxicity wasn’t what anyone else thought it was.. right?

You were sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss most would call your thoughts when suddenly, you heard a pair of footsteps approach you. You looked up from your shoes, glancing over to see the source of the sound.

It was your boyfriend’s.. friend? You honestly weren’t sure, but you knew that they interacted a lot and made fun of each other constantly.. were they friends? Whatever. It didn’t matter. They spoke to each other a lot, so they were probably best friends.

“Oh. Hi, Kyle.” You force a soft, polite smile onto your face, an attempt to hide your inner turmoil as he takes a seat beside you on the bleachers. You tilted your head back to look down at your lap, averting your gaze away from him so he wouldn’t see even a hint of the emotions you felt inside.

“You okay, Y/N?” Kyle asks, tilting his head as he leans back and looks at you with pure concern in your eyes. It was sweet, honestly—no guy had ever looked at you like that, especially not Eric.

“I keep thinking he’s gonna change.” You sighed, your blank and emotionless eyes slowly filling with woe and sorrow as the realization sunk in yet again. He’d never change. People like him just don’t change. But a part of you hoped, wished, manifested that he would; for you.

“Y/N, people like Cartman.. they always make things someone else's fault.” He explains, voice soothing and soft as you slowly begun to relax in his presence. You’re glad he understood, instead of being like your friends who just made fun of Eric all of the time without any regard for how you felt. “We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He’ll always shift the blame onto someone else, even though it was his fault, and because of that, he’ll never change.”

It felt like his words had completely unwound each and every organ from your body to reveal your consciousness, just to speak to your soul. His words hit hard; they were the exact things you needed to hear to sober up. Could Kyle really be the one to save you, to help you escape the isolating prison of virulence and manipulation?

You kept your mouth shut for a bit, thinking about what he had said. He was right; Eric would never change. A sense of clarity filled your veins, pumping through your body as it sunk in. He would never change, but you could. And Kyle was helping you see this.

But a part of you still felt bad about the whole ordeal–not in a sad way bad, but.. were you a bad person? Were you the shitty one for deciding to put up with everything Eric had done, even if you knew he wasn’t a good person? Was it really his fault and not yours? Was everything that Kyle was saying true?

“.. Y’know, before me and him started dating.. I was in a really bad place. I felt isolated and pushed away from society. And then Eric came along, telling me everything I wanted–needed to hear, so.. I just went with it. Does that make me a bad person?” You tilt your head lightly, finally meeting his deep yet comforting emerald eyes as the two of you leaned back against the bleachers. You needed to hear his answer, for him to break the truth, and to receive the reassurance you knew you needed.

Kyle gently places his hand on your shoulder, letting out a soft sigh as the gears in his mind turned and cranked, contemplating what words he should say to comfort you. His gaze visibly softened as he thought of your words, and you let a faint smile grace your lips. The moment was peaceful and relaxed, something that barely happened during your relationship with Eric.

“.. No, Y/N.” He finally says, breaking the tranquil silence. “Good people make bad decisions every day.”

“I.. I've been defending him for so long. I don't know how I'll face people if I finally give up.” You admit, sighing as you gently placed your forehead in your palm, your storm of thoughts beginning to get stronger and stronger as you thought about it. You sat there comfortably, safe in his presence.

…?

You stood there in the shower, letting the droplets of water patter down onto your skin as you slipped away from reality to let yourself drown in your thoughts. This was it; you had to finally break it off with Eric. It would be tough for both of you, sure, but would it really be best if you left him?

Was everything that Kyle had said earlier true? Eric will never change? That he’ll always just victimize himself until the end, shoving blame onto others to convince himself that what he did was right?

Maybe, just maybe, you should set your pride aside and finally break it off with Eric. You both needed to change, and you knew that you could spread your wings and fly if you actually did. You wanted to be free from the worry and stress he had caused you.

Your hands slowly scrubbed at your scalp, washing out the conditioner and the hesitation of breaking up for the last time wash away. The calm, warm shower helped ease your mind and muscles as you slowly relaxed, letting the chaos and stress of the day fade away.

But, as you slowly began to feel calm and tranquil in the silence of your shower, the thoughts whirled back into your mind once again, coming back like a boomerang.

Would it easy for you to put your pride away and simply dump him even if it was for the greater good? No. Of course not. You’ve been devoted and dedicated for so long, even defending you two’s relationship from everyone who judged, but now that the cracks in his facade were starting to show, really, what were you supposed to do?

Of course, any normal person would immediately dump him without a second thought, and you would’ve too, but.. you had spent so much time and effort shielding your relationship from each and every insult. You had tried your best to help your relationship maintain a perfect, squeaky-clean reputation in everyone else's eyes, and that was crumbling to pieces as time went on.

You shook away your thoughts, your consciousness finally coming back to the physical plane as you turned the shower off and stepped out, yawning and drying your hair quickly. You gazed at your reflection for a few seconds, pondering. A shiver ran down your spine as you looked into your own eyes, realizing who you truly were on the inside.

You weren’t the hurt, struck-by-sorrow girl you once used to be, no. You weren’t sensitive or a doormat like you were just a mere 114 days ago. You were someone new, someone who was strong enough to speak up for themselves. And even if your pride was a bit of a roadblock on the highway to happiness, you wouldn’t let Eric push you around and manipulate you into staying with him.

“Y/N, are you done yet?” A familiar voice suddenly snaps you out of your thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry.” You quickly pull the door open, tossing the towel at your little brother’s face as you awkwardly brush off your shorts. He lets out a little yelp as he gets smothered in the cloth, letting it slide down to his hands as he tilts his head, a soft smirk crawling up his lips. You sigh, eyebrows furrowing. “Where’s Soleil?”

“Oh, she’s studying, I think. Anyways. So, when are you gonna leave the one and only Eric Cartman?” Dallas asks, his voice holding a hint of disdain yet mostly containing concern and worry. He leans against the doorway, crossing his arms. You constantly confided in him and your younger sister, Soleil about your relationship. They were like everyone else, making fun of your relationship in a lighthearted way. Although it could get annoying at times, you still loved your siblings dearly.

You shrug, tilting your head as you thought of it. You were planning on leaving soon, yes, but when? Maybe on Monday so you could do it in-person, but what if he did something weird, like cling onto you or start sobbing into your shoulder? The last time he did that, he got snot on your shirt and you stayed disturbed for a good two days.

“I haven’t really thought about it.” You admit, shrugging lightly as your brother just nods.

“Oh. I hope you do.” He flashes a sweet, almost cheeky smirk at you as he tosses the towel at your face and you toss it back, the two of you playfully bickering for a few seconds before he disappears into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.

As your feet lazily treaded you back to your room, a gentle sigh escaped your lips like you were letting go of your current worries. You pushed the door open before shutting it softly, collapsing onto your bed and sinking into the plush fabric of your comforters and blankets. The comfort of the fabric completely washed you away from reality, even if it was just for a few moments, giving you a second to relax.

Suddenly, as you were calmed by the sensation of softness surrounding you, a thought crossed your mind. You rolled over to your nightstand, pulling the drawer open and looking around before you spotted your scrapbook.

You pulled it out, coughing lightly from the dust and brushing it off as you shut the drawer and sighed. Little stars and hearts adorned the cover, giving the whole book an aura of innocence and naivety that you most certainly had when you went on your first date with Eric.

Pulling it open, the first pictures you saw had tugged on your heartstrings. Little, tiny memories of the two of you just having fun on the first few dates you two had. The first kiss you guys shared. It was all so adorable, and a part of you wished that you could go back to when it all happened–when your relationship was just something sweet and innocuous, unlike what it had eventually become.

You zoned out for a second, staring at the wall and letting those thoughts wash away. Not now. Not now, when you were beginning the decision on if you should break up with Eric. You were never a heartbreaker, but really, would his heart actually break if you left? Probably not.

You scanned through the pages until your eyes landed on one picture. A picture of you and him together, on a ferris wheel. You remembered the moment clearly–you were with one of the girls in your friend group, Wendy Testaburger. The two of you were quite close, and so were your boyfriends, so all four of you decided to go on the ferris wheel together. She had decided to take a picture of you two together, and you both happily agreed–only now, you realized that you were the only one who was happy. Because, in this picture, although he was smiling, the look in his eyes gave it away. He was disgusted and uncomfortable, even though the moment was meant to be sweet and full of joy.

And the worst part?

That picture was about two weeks since the two of you started dating.

You flipped through the pages with a bittersweet heart, watching as his discomfort and abhorrence began to grow each the longer you two were together. With the passage of time, it seemed as his distaste and disdain towards you grew, and each new picture or polaroid reflected that.

As you flipped to the more recent pages, the ones you had decorated just weeks or even days ago, it was starting to sting. He wasn’t even faking a smile anymore, and you were too blind to see that. The usual, fake smiles and kisses were absent in these newer pictures now, just pure discomfort laid in his gaze.

Maybe Kyle was right in trying to get you to leave.

Instead of misery filling your open wounds, this time, it was annoyance and resentment. You needed to break up with him now. You don’t have to wait to be in person. It’d be so easy to leave, just with a few clicks of your phone…

(note: this is viewed best on ao3! italic = y/n speaking)

my love 💞 9:18 PM / 21:18

hi babe, can we talk?

Yes Whats wrong

so i know this might be hard for the both of us and i love you a lot, but i think we should break up. this isn’t healthy and its not like how we used to be

What No babe please We can fix this I promise Im sory I need you babe please dont leave

i’m sorry, but it just isnt working out well for us. we’re over. don’t text me again

WELL FUCK YOU You’re a whore STUPID BITCH You’re a fucking skank

You just sighed, deciding to leave him on read. He didn’t deserve a response, nor did he need one. You tossed your head back onto your pillows, relaxing for a brief moment and letting silence fill your mind before you got an idea.

I should probably tell Kyle about this.

kyle (eric’s friend) 9:34 PM / 21:34

guess what?

huh did you guys break up yet?

yeah! i know it sounds wrong but i’m so glad that i ended things

oh I totally understand, don’t worry i’m glad you ended things too, cartman is such an ass and i’m sorry you put up with him for that long

i just hope he doesn’t say anything drastic like last time to get me to come back lmfaoo

well, it’s cartman that’s probably the tip of the iceberg

yeah, he’s done worse

he’s done WAY worse, trust me. i’d know

i’ve heard 🤷 anyways, i’m gonna go to bed

already? did he wear you out too much lmfaoao goodnight tho