#but your confidence can increase like a hundredfold from just trying different things

[kalach-cha]

much as i hate to say it, those youtube girlies were right- being photogenic is literally about angles and lighting and it’s a skill that can be learnt/taught

[4wordletter]

@say-never

first of all, i’m sorry for offering the pathetic excuses. you deserve better than that. sometimes things require a deeper level of introspection and a higher level of self-awareness. i’ve taken time out to really think about our discussion so that i can dig deeper and give you a real answer.

i think at times i feel so restricted by that little chat window. when we’re instant messaging i feel i don’t have time to really think about what it is that i want to tell you, hence a proper post written on my laptop instead of my phone.

you’re right, i have gone further than virginia for someone i loved. you have to understand the context in which that happened. 

back then i was so starry-eyed, so passionate. my heart was full of love - really pure love. it wouldn’t have mattered if this woman was on the moon or mars, there was no barrier, no obstacle, no amount of distance that would quell the feelings i had for her.

i loved her like a child. it was pure and innocent. i thought she was some sort of angel. i idolized her. she was my hero. i wrote her love letters and poems. i made little pictures for her. little signs saying “have a great day!” - i loved her family and her friends both. i’d never miss anyone’s birthday. 

i wanted to love everyone that she cherished. somehow, i saw her friends and family as being part of her. i’d make silly pictures for them too! i’d wish them happy birthday. i’d send cards and gifts. i was a child and i loved like a child.

my heart was open and pure. i didn’t understand anything. i was a disney prince and she was my princess. there was no garden of thorns nor any dragon that could come between us. sure, i had problems. problems that i overcame. i used the fire in my heart that i felt for her and i propelled myself forward. i became more. i strengthened myself. i loved and i loved and i loved.

in response to any cynicism i wrote long, winding paragraphs confessing my true intentions, how hard i was trying. i wanted to reassure both her and her parents that i wasn’t fucking around. i bent over backwards. i want to show my love. i sent bouquet after bouquet of flowers. i remembered her smile in her towelturban and i wanted to see it again. i wanted to make her feel happy and loved. in response to any hate or insult i’d just show more and more love. it wasn’t faked. it was real, everything was real for me. she could call me a prick 11 times in a row and i would tell her how much i loved her.

i was a child. so naive. literally untarnished by the world.

the thing is, you can only be naive once. i was only that way because i had limited exposure to relationships. this girl was, in so many ways, the only girl i truly loved. 

i told my first girlfriend i loved her. i thought i did. i was 17 and she was the first girl who had really paid any attention to me. she said she loved me and i said it back. it became a habit and a routine to just say it. i never stopped to think if it were true. 

it wasn’t. i just liked the attention and i liked having sex with her.

my second girlfriend: this was a bandaid relationship. i moved from the first relationship straight into the second. i felt like, somehow, i needed someone. i needed someone to anchor my identity to. i told her i loved her as soon as i could. i needed to hear it said back to me. 

she was more a friend than anything else. i regret trying to turn it into more than a friendship. still, looking back i can categorically say that i loved her just as i love my friends and family - not romantically, not passionately. not with fire, but as a friend.

i think it’s really easy to say you love someone when you’re in a relationship. it’s been 2 years since my last relationship ended, so i’m afforded some perspective through that. 

i can wholeheartedly say that i loved this woman with all my heart. i never doubted how i felt about her. like i said, this love propelled me to become exactly what i needed to become in order to lay a solid foundation for a life with her. 

there wasn’t anything i wouldn’t do. i went to relationship coaches and parenting seminars. i cooked for her parents. i would have died for her child. there were no limits. i sincerely wanted to do all these things. i never thought what happened would happen. i thought it was all my fault. i thought i just wasn’t showing enough love. i tried harder and harder and harder.

in many ways, it was as if i were discovering true love for the first time. i’d never felt anything like it. my god, the goosebumps and butterflies. 

childlike. like a 14 year old falling in love for the first time. that’s how i was. naive. dumb, deluded. looking back, it’s no wonder that her parents were so suspicious of me. i doubt they’d seen anything like it from someone my age - someone so willing to do so much. i understand now, because love in the real world isn’t anything like how i felt. 

first-loves feel like that, but then you learn. you learn the hard way.

having your heart broken and stomped on not by one person but their whole family changes you as a person. it changes your ideas of love. it changes how you see yourself and it changes how you see others. it changes how you see the world and how you interact with it. it changes how you see your future and how you see your life.

it changes everything. it rewires the fabric of your personality and re-engineers your neural circuitry. you become a different person. you adapt to the pain. you become unrecognizable to yourself and others.

it fucking destroyed me, hannah. that’s not hyperbole, it’s an understatement. please note that when i say “adapt” i mean ADAPT. i’m not implying any sense of forward progress here, any sense of growth. yes, i’ve grown in so many ways, but there are parts of me that are dead and that won’t ever come back to life. in some ways i’ve maladapted. sometimes maladaption is the only adaption.

i’m sure you’re familiar with that quote by some dude who said not to stare into the abyss because it’ll stare back into you.

i searched so long for answers to all these questions i had in my head. why did this happen? what did i do? what did i do wrong? did i deserve this?

i got no reply. i searched high and low. i stared into that abyss. there was nothing. no answers. just a void. nothingness. that dude was right, it does stare back. the parts of me that wanted answers, that were crying out in pain, are numb and dead.

sometimes the only way to adapt is to stop caring. to adopt apathy as a core part of you. it’s pathetic, but it works. i could not go on asking questions with no answer. that’s a short road to insanity.

no, instead, i became numb. i repressed so much that i honestly don’t care any more. even if her parents appeared on my doorstep tomorrow morning saying how wrong they were, how sorry they were for everything they did, i’m not sure i’d even feel anything because after all this i’ve been conditioned to not feel anything.

there are only so many phonecalls that go unanswered, only so many voicemails, messages and emails that go unreplied to before you internalize it all: no one gives a damn about you. stop crying, stop caring. man up and cut the bullshit. this is the real world and it’s cold and callous. deal with it. there’s no room in the world for your shitty little feelings so pack it up and go home. stop caring, stop loving.

i feel it’s a natural human response, when you’re presented with such an unrelenting apathy, to make that a part of you. you cut the emotion out of your heart with bloodied hands and you get used to the fact that it’s better to feel NOTHING than feel like you’re unheard, that your feelings don’t matter.

listen, i don’t give a fuck about any of this. i know i’m dead inside. talking about feelings feels icky and weird because deep down i don’t have any anymore. i just remember what it was like, i remember what i went through. please don’t think i’m having a downer and i’m reminiscing over any of this shit, because i’m not. i’m merely relaying to you why i am this way.

i’ve told you a million times how i have this dark stuff inside of me. dark stuff is a misnomer really because there is no “stuff” - there’s a lack of stuff. a lack of light. it’s numbness, darkness, blackness. nothingness - it’s the abyss that looked back.

this is just who i am now. i know that sounds defeatist and maybe it is, but what’s the alternative? if you take a baseball bat to my knees then, realistically, i’m probably not gonna run a 10k again - or at least it will be pretty difficult.

forces shape us and shape our brains. i’m not insane or anything and for the most part i’m really loving and light. i love everyone and i’ve surrounded myself with loving people.

still, i’d never entertain the thought of a relationship. i see less and less value in them. i’m not that guy anymore. i’d never go more than, say, 45 minutes to see a girl. the thought of crossing the ocean for anyone seems weird and outlandish now. i’ve changed so much. at my core i am a different person. 

her parents changed me. in some ways for the better - picking myself up from what they did increased my confidence a hundredfold. if i can come back from that i can come back from anything at all. literally anything at all.

i’m not stupid though, i know how awful that situation was and i’ll never put myself in that situation again. i’ve learned my lesson. i will never love that deeply, never ever ever. i’ll never allow myself to get in that deep.

i don’t want you to fall in love with me. i’ll push you away if you show me signs that you love me. i don’t want any of that. it’s not for me. you can’t fix me so please don’t even try.

last week you freaked out when i took a day to myself. i hate that so much. please don’t place that much importance on me. there’s nothing inside me that you can love. the land inside me is so arid and dry that even if you try your best to plant your love and watch it grow, it won’t. it will die. please don’t waste your time.

let me be clear: this isn’t like the movies. i’m not some jaded boy you can love until he’s happy again. it doesn’t work that way. i have internalized a lot of really vicious emotional trauma. my brain is literally a different shape and you’re not gonna change that. it’s not romantic, it’s fucked up. so please, don’t attempt to fall for me. don’t waste money on me coming to scotland. there’s literally nothing inside me that’s worth crossing an ocean for.

this is, basically, a long winded way of saying “it’s not you, it’s me” - i think you’re a wonderful person. you have a lovely personality and i bond well with you. even still, loving me will be the end of you. i’ll break you like i’ve been broken. please don’t enter this pain cycle willingly. put an end to it here. don’t love me. don’t even try. i don’t want to hurt you, i don’t want to cause harm to anyone. i want to hold onto this shit until i die. i don’t want to expose anyone to it. i want to keep it to myself and keep it inside. i will never let anyone know me on a deep level because there is stuff down here that will change you like i have been changed. please don’t stare into my abyss. i wouldn’t wish this on anyone.