#but you had to get weird about fat people and rap music and people with disabilities | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thefanficmonster · 4 years ago

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Never Satisfied [Teaser]

Corpse Husband x Original Female Character

Warnings: Language (possibly more?)

Collaboration between Vy & Ashens 🖤

“this criminal is stealing my fires, what the fuck?!“

Life is a rollercoaster, it always has been. One moment he feels at the top of the world and the very next he’s upside down at the bottom, wishing the ride would come to a stop as soon as possible. Things that shouldn’t be difficult, things average people would consider the norm to him were the equivalent of walking on glass, each step sending shocks of pain throughout his body, anxiety pumping his blood with adrenaline that provoked his fight or flight response. And after choosing ‘fight’ so many times, he’s more than prepared to choose ‘flight’.

But as he sits in the Walmart parking lot, he’s talking himself out of that habit of running from discomfort. He doesn’t want to battle it either, he just wants to face it and prove he’s strong enough to defeat it if he tried. Well, anxiety is laughing in his face right now, mocking him by the shaking of his hands and the tight sensation in his gut and throat. He’s here for what’s supposed to be just a quick shopping trip. Just to buy a few things! That’s all he has to do. However, he can’t bring himself to get out of his beige Subaru and walk into the store.

I’m just hungry, right? Or maybe tired, he thought to himself.

That’s what everyone told him - that anxiety was caused by something simple to solve but hard to realize when your mind is in a frenzy. He’s planning on getting something to eat to calm his nerves. If that doesn’t work, to hell with it. He has been improvising plan B’s all his life, this wouldn’t be anything new.

With a shaky sigh Corpse looks at his radio, switching stations until his luck smiles at him when he comes across a BONES song and turns it up just enough to not overwhelm his senses. He has been needing some kind of a distraction all day, why not gravitate to the one thing that felt real, as if sent to save him from the mess within his head. Putting the car into drive, he pulls out of the parking lot and into the nearest fast food drive thru. A plain burger with cheese so his stomach doesn’t act up, fries and an unsweetened tea.

This will have to do. He isn’t even hungry, and the thought of the greasy food only made his stomach churn worse but he knew he needed to eat something in hopes of it having the effects he was told it would have - magically cure his overwhelmingly hard to handle anxiety.

Once he got his food, he returned to the department store lot and parked in a far back spot. He has opened the paper bag to dig his food out, grimacing at all the grease and the smell of the cheap meal that wasted no time invading his car. He really isn’t hungry, but he hasn’t eaten all day and he’s aware of the toll the lack of food is taking on his system. He knows better than to work against himself in a moment like this when his mind is already working against him.

Chomping down on a fry, Corpse savors the salt as it hits his tongue and takes a moment to let his shoulders loosen and hang low. Something about the salt and fat seemed to make his body feel better. He tosses his head back slightly as he flicks a few stray strands of hair out of his eyes, reaching into the bag and grabbing another fry.

He’s been content with sitting in his car, eating and trying to quell the anxiety bubbling up under his ribs and in his throat. There’s a sense of peace to it and to the loneliness of it. He doesn’t mind being alone, though. That’s how he prefers to be actually. Dwelling on that thought too long has had the tendency to kill even the smallest spec of a positive energy he possessed in the past so he avoids it for his own peace of mind. The feeling of his heart thundering in his chest to nothing more than his own unconscious is being muffled by the soft rap music coming from the car speakers, him having chosen to pay attention to that instead.

Corpse is so engrossed in his attempts of maintaining this peace that he fails to notice the person approaching his car at a rapid pace. He’s left completely unbothered until one of the backseat doors is yanked open and someone is diving inside, shaking the vehicle.

“What th-..” He shouts, startled out of the peaceful bubble he had created around himself.

“Hey, how's it going? Sorry to interrupt your dinner. I'm just avoiding somebody, so don’t mind me!” A slightly out of breath female voice answers from the backseat. But before he could bring himself to turn around and demand this girl get out of his car, fear takes hold of him, closing his throat and drowning his words in the sea of questions and anxiety rising from deep within his chest.

Ok, breathe. This is weird. There’s a stranger in my car, but she doesn’t appear harmful. Just breathe, stay calm. Fuck, is that a fucking cop car?!

His shaky hand is barely capable of holding the burger as his wide eyes follow the movements of the vehicle. The patrol car in question slowly drives through each aisle of the parking lot, seemingly searching for something. Or someone. He feels himself unable to blink nor breath as the car creeps closer and closer. He has already broken into a nervous sweat, head spinning with all the possible outcomes - none of which bode well for him.

How am I gonna explain this shit?! There’s no way they’ll believe that she just dove into my car. They’ll think I’m an accomplice. I’ll go to jail. God knows if I’ll get out. I’ll die in there. Oh fuck, I’ll die in there.

He inhales sharply, trying not to hyperventilate, all his muscles tensing before a slap to his arm shook him out of it, “Could you look any more suspicious?! Fuckin’ act cool!”

He nods automatically and looks down at his lap, like he’s trying to find a napkin before taking a quick sip of his tea in attempts to look natural. The liquid promptly went down the wrong pipe, causing him to choke and go in a fit of coughs which he suppressed with his baggy hoodie sleeve.

The cop passed by, eyeing the man in the car before making a turn to go down another row of parking spots, allowing Corpse to finally peek his gaze upwards to check if the guy was finally gone when the voice in the back seat spoke up again. “Thanks dude, you saved my ass.”

He hadn’t noticed at first but as he turned to look behind him he saw a bare arm reaching from the back seat, dipping into the paper bag and taking one of his fries. Before he could comprehend it, the girl had climbed up over the center console as the police car pulled out of the parking lot and left.

Only now is he able to get a real look at the woman who is a potential criminal and went into his car. She isn’t tall but not short either. She’s wearing a pair of jeans that are ripped around her knees and upper thighs and have little occult symbols drawn on them, peace signs and even an occasional tiny dinosaur - the majority, if not all, probably a DIY project of hers by the looks of it. She’s also sporting a sleeveless top with the sides cut open to show most of her waist. Under that, a black sports bra and a tattoo are visible - the tattoo extending from her back to her ribs just slightly. Her dark brown hair is pulled into a loose and rather messy hairdo, every strand going in its own direction as if she couldn’t be bothered by it. Looking down he sees the pair of black combat boots she has on. They look to be well taken care of and loved. A glint of a septum piercing attracts his attention when he notices it reflecting the ugly yellow light of the parking lot street lamps.

She’s pretty.

His cheeks flush a little in the darkness as he dumps the remainder of his food back into the bag, noting she was taking another one of his fries before he looked away, swallowing nervously when he feels her gaze on him.

Before he could speak, however, she had already taken another one of his fries, leaning back in the passenger seat.

“W-why...are you in my car?” His voice showed off his confusion as well as the rising levels of his anxiety, his brow furrowed as he tries to remain cool and calm.

“Hiding from the police...obviously.” She responds in a ‘duh’ tone as if she were pointing out something very simple and ordinary.

“Bu-...Alright...I guess. You should stop stealing my food though.” He finally mumbles, putting the paper bag into the back seat and catching a brief whiff of the perfume she has on as he turns to do so.

He’s been alone so long, people have grown to terrify him. Public places terrify him, so it’s no surprise he stays inside for as long as he can. He hasn’t been this close to someone in months. Not since his ex left. She was just...another human being. Another one to leave. Nothing new to him. It shouldn’t have been a surprise nor a disappointment to him but he couldn’t not feel distraught over it for a while after it happened. He couldn’t help but hope she would….nevermind.

She grins - her smile a little spark of light in this lonely little world that is his life. Everyone around him always looked so damn happy. How come he never felt the happiness for himself?

He shifts back into his seat, fingers fiddling with the zipper on his black hoodie, avoiding her gaze as much as possible while still trying to take subtle glances at her. He feels uncomfortably like a teenager at that moment, stumbling his way through a conversation with a girl way too pretty to be talking to him.

“I bet you hear this all the time, but you should do like, audio books or voice acting or somethin’. You’ve got a rad voice to narrate some Steven King or Dean Koontz. Bram Stoker's Dracula would be sick, or some kind of devil or demon character.” She offers, grinning again as she steals another fry despite the bag now being in the back and shifts to reach into her back pocket, the sound of her wallet chain hitting the side of his car door echoes throughout the enclosed space of the car. She pulls out a couple dollars and slaps them onto his dashboard, “anyway, for the fries. Annnd for letting me hide in your car. Don’t go spending it all in one place.” She pushes the door of the Subaru open, winking at him and sliding one leg out. “Thanks for keepin’ the fuzz off of me, see ya Hades!” She jokes teasingly, slapping the roof of his car before closing the door and practically skipping off in the opposite direction of the one the cop went in.

Corpse parts his lips, blinking slowly before looking at the department store and back towards the slowly shrinking figure of the girl. His head is spinning again, for different reasons now.

“What the hell just happened....?” He pauses for a lingering second before his voice turns sharp and a distressed look crosses his face, “Fuck, what did I need from the store?!”

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hyunsracha · 5 years ago

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even a fool knows — lee minho

word count: 2.6k

summary: if you go further away, i might fall apart by myself.

“No.”

Han Jisung whines beside you, “Please? He said he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it with anybody else.”

You send the boy a quick glare before shutting your locker, “He should’ve thought about that before taking the role. If he doesn’t feel comfortable, why doesn’t he give it to Hyunjin or Jeongin?”

“Because Hyunjin is the cameraman and Jeongin doesn’t have the same charisma as I do,” Speak of the devil, Lee Minho slides up next to you and wraps his arm around your shoulders, sporting his signature cocky grin. You roll your eyes and you shift your lyric books around in your arms.

Minho most definitely wasn’t your best friend. You had been acquainted with him since the beginning of high school, but you were never the closest. Your closest friend was Jisung, as you two had been together since you were in diapers. You only became friends with Chan, Changbin, and Minho through Jisung.

You sigh through your nose, pushing his arm away, “I’m no actor, Lee. Why can’t you just do it with Yeji or Jeno?”

He pouts, “Because I wanna do it with you! You’d be a great love interest.”

You roll your eyes again, trying to ignore the heat rising to your face. Minho is always like this; flirty towards you for no reason, and at this point you try to tune it out.

“Please, Y/N.” Jisung speaks up again, trying to shove a carton of banana milk towards you. Banana milk was your favorite, and Jisung always bought it for you when he wanted something from you. You click your tongue and take it from him, dramatically stabbing the straw in.

“Fine. I’m in. But I demand lots of banana milk.” You sip from the straw, looking at Minho from the corner of your eye. He looks down at the ground, a soft smile growing on his face.

“Finally! Okay, after school…” Jisung breathes a sigh of relief, pulling a notebook out of his backpack and flipping to a page he had previously dog-eared. He starts rambling about where to meet after school, what your costume is going to be, and who is going to give you the script. You’re not listening, though. You’re too distracting watching Minho transform into someone less cocky and more shy.

The bell rings, and you bid the boys goodbye before heading to your first class: composition. You go to an art school, and while most of your friends want to be in the limelight, you are more reserved. You want to make music for other singers; you don’t want to be on the stage. You hate being in the spotlight, to be honest. Jisung, Chan, and Changbin are in a rap trio together, and they perform at a lot of the local clubs. Minho is a dancer, and he’s been in a few music videos for idols.

Changbin is in your composition class. When you walk into the classroom, his forehead is pressed against the desk, a blank sheet of staff paper next to him.

“It’s not 1970, why are we still using paper to write?” He groans.

You chuckle, setting your backpack next to your seat, “I like it. Looking at screens for too long makes my head hurt.” You sip on your milk, taking a sheet of staff paper out of your binder. You get to work pretty quickly, as you always have some sort of a melody stuck in your head, “By the way, Jisung and Minho convinced me to be in your short film.”

Changbin drops his pencil, a short gasp escaping his lips, “Really? You know you have to...be on camera for that?”

“God, don’t remind me. Minho kept saying he wouldn’t be comfortable doing it with anyone else. He’s so weird…” You’re talking to yourself more than anything, but of course, Changbin hears you.

“That’s because he likes you, Y/N.” He’s coloring in a quarter note, saying something that holds so much weight like it was nothing. It’s like he just told you there’s pizza in the cafeteria today.

“What? No he doesn’t, we’re just friends.” You chuckle awkwardly.

“Nah...I bet he’s got a crush on you. You’re definitely his type.”

“Great. All I’ve ever wanted to be was Lee Minho’s type.” You don’t look up from your paper as you speak with a monotone voice. You don’t even know what your type is, why would you know Minho’s? The thought sticks in your mind as you write. Does he like the quiet type? People who say all they need to in just a few words, leaving room for him to say everything on his mind? Or does he like the creative type; those who are like him, who can bond with him over their passion? You shake your head. It doesn’t matter; you don’t like Minho.

After school, you make your way to the courtyard behind the school where Jisung told you to meet. Everyone else who is working on the project is there: Jisung, Minho, Changbin, Chan, and some people you aren’t friends with. You recognize them though, as these guys are some of the most popular on campus: Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin, Yang Jeongin, and Hwang Hyunjin.

“Finally!” Jisung cries out, rushing towards you with a stack of papers and school uniform that definitely doesn’t belong to your school, “Go get changed and hurry back. We’re doing a table read today.”

Table read just meant you all sat around and read the script together, either in incredibly monotone voices or in funny accents.

“Jeongin, your Australian accent makes me want to rip my own ears off.”

“IT’S GOOD, MATE.”

“NO, NO IT’S NOT.”

You had never hung out with half of these guys before, but you’re having fun. They make you feel a little less nervous about being on camera. Of course, you get a lot more attention than you would like, being the love interest to Minho’s main character and all. You two and Jeongin are the only actors, with Jeongin playing the comic relief side character. That would explain the voices.

The first week is mostly prepping. Figuring out sets and lighting situations and learning your lines. You spend most of your time with Minho and Jeongin.

Minho practically has to feed you your lines, “Can you at least try and sound like you’re into me?”

“Um...okay. I...I like...ugh. I hate scenes like these-”

“Y/N!! Is it that hard to say you like me?” He pouts, “Here.”

Minho cups your cheeks, twisting your head to face him, “I like you.”

You flush, trying to pull away from him, but he’s got you trapped. After a few moments of silence, he giggles, “See! It’s not that hard.”

The next week marks the start of the shoot, and on the first day, you feel like you’re going to be sick. So sick, in fact, you asked to be excused after three takes.

You sit in the hallway of the school building, your knees pulled up to your chest as you take deep breaths.

“Hey.” You look up, half expecting to see Minho. But you were wrong.

Hwang Hyunjin takes a seat next to you, sending you a soft grin that’s bright enough to make you feel dizzy.

“H-Hey…”

“I know this stuff can be hard. And the lights get really hot after a while. But I think you’re gonna do great!” His voice is gentle, and you have to hold your breath to hear every syllable.

You chuckle, “Sure. Just make sure you get my good side, alright, Mr. Cameraman?”

Hyunjin stands and reaches out, giving you a hand to hold onto, “Every side is your good side.”

And so your infatuation with Hwang Hyunjin begins.

You so desperately want to avoid him, but that’s hard when he’s shoving a camera in your face for hours a day, and then taking you and Minho into the editing room to watch the progress.

The videos embarrass you. Is that really what you look like on camera? Bright red cheeks and bumbling footsteps?

When you voice these concerns, Minho cooes, “But you look so cute! You look like you have a big, fat crush on me.”

You shove his hand away from rustling your hair, “As if!”

Going back to watching the footage, you miss the way Minho’s face falls ever so slightly.

“I don’t want anybody else. It’s always been you.” He reaches out for your hand, lacing your fingers together and squeezing.

You look up at him, disbelief written all over your face, “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh, but I do,” He steps closer to you, his other hand coming up to hold your face. He leans in, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones. His nose brushes against yours, and you feel his breath against your lips and-

“Cut!” Hyunjin calls out.

Minho backs away, giggling at you and pinching your cheeks before walking away.

You thought that things with Minho would be weird, with filming all of the love scenes and all. But he seems to love it. You don’t understand how he can look at you so intensely while he delivers his lines, and then giggle at you after the scene is over.

You sigh and shake your head, wandering over to Hyunjin, who’s staring intently at his laptop.

“Hey,” You start.

“Oh! Hey, Y/N. That scene you guys just did was perfect; hardly any editing needs to be done. Sit down, come look at this!”

You think you’re obsessed with the way Hyunjin speaks. When he gets excited, he stumbles over his words, and he’s always excited when it comes to the short film. He thinks in 8000 words per minute, but his mouth just can’t keep up. He’s gotten over apologizing for it, as every day you tell him that it’s fine and you understand him. Now, he just keeps going, and you rest your chin in your palm as you listen. You hardly watch the footage on the screen, as you’re still embarrassed. You only look when he points at it, wanting you to see a frame that was particularly beautiful to him or a line that was delivered well.

After shooting is over, you all still agree to meet in the courtyard every day after school, just to hang out and talk about the film. One of these days, Hyunjin calls you into the editing room.

“Now listen. I’m not supposed to tell anybody this, but I’ll tell you because you’re my favorite.” You try to ignore the way your heart flutters at his words and nod.

“This short film was just supposed to be for my film production class, right? Well! I pulled some strings, and they’re going to show it to the whole school! And post it online! So many people in the industry are going to see it and know who made it!”

You’re glued to your seat, lost in thought. On one hand, you’re so happy that your friends are going to get the recognition they deserve. They’ve worked so hard on this. But on the other hand, your face is going to be plastered on screens all over the school.

When you don’t reply, Hyunjin starts to get nervous, “Y/N? Are you okay?”

You shake your head, pushing any negative thoughts away. You’re excited for your friends. They deserve this. Hyunjin deserves this. You jump up from your seat, “So many people are going to know who you are, Hyunjin! I bet at least one person is going to want to work with you!” You grab his arm excitedly as you speak. The boy squeals, pulling you into his arms. Your heart thuds against your ribcage as you realize that Hyunjin is hugging you. You hold onto him tighter as he starts to spin around with you in his grip. You’re so busy yelling for Hyunjin to stop in between your bouts of laughter, you don’t even see Minho standing outside the door, watching it all happen.

The next day, you’re sitting in the courtyard, at the table you and the other have spent lots of time at. You’re studying for a finance test, fingers rubbing at your temple as you feel a headache forming, when a carton of banana milk is slammed on the table in front of you. You look up slowly, making eye contact with Minho, who’s breathing heavily.

“Why did it have to be him?” He yells, and you flinch at the sudden volume.

“Minho…” You sigh after a moment, but he cuts you off.

“No! Don’t say my name like that. Like you care about me. You never cared about me. It’s always been him.”

“Of course I care about you, Minho. We’ve been friends for years-”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. And you know it.”

His words silence you, and you find yourself unable to keep eye contact.

“This was supposed to be my chance. He was finally behind the camera. No one was looking at him for once. Except for you. Even when I was right there, right in front of you. Did those scenes mean nothing to you? You didn’t feel anything when I held your hand? Anything?”

“We were acting, Minho, it was a movie.” Your eyes are locked on your notes, and you feel a lump forming in your throat.

“Not to me! I was never acting. That was all Minho out there. And you still felt...nothing.” He sniffles, and you can hear his voice crack when he speaks again, “Did you wish it was him?”

“It doesn’t matter-”

“It matters to me! It matters because I like you and I’ve done everything I can to get you to notice me. And even when I’m the person holding you, you’re thinking about Hyunjin!”

You swallow your tears, slamming your notebook shut and standing from your seat, “Just leave me alone, Minho.” You push past the boy, not missing the lone tear streaking down the boy’s face. You hurry into the school building, finding an empty practice room and locking yourself in. You slide down the door with your eyes shut tight. You feel so, so guilty, but you never meant for this to happen. You didn’t even want to be in the film in the first place.

You wipe your eyes. Minho will come around, you tell yourself. He’ll come around and the two of you will be friends again and everything will be okay.

Your phone dings from your bag, and you pull it out to reveal a text from Hyunjin.

[ hyunjin ]: hey!! minho just came up to me and gave me some banana milk?? and said that it’s for you?? i didn’t even know you like banana milk lol … anyway where are you? i’ll bring it to you!!

You sigh and send Hyunjin your location, feeling too down to even be excited that your crush was coming to see you. When he comes, you sadly sip on your milk and listen to him talk about the premiere of your short film. You’re supposed to be excited, but the thought of seeing you and Minho on screen together, looking like you’re in love, makes you feel sick.

“I think Minho likes you,” Hyunjin teases when you throw the carton away.

“He does.”

Hyunjin gasps, “And do you like him back? I thought you guys were a couple when you first came on set, he was so excited to see you.”

You sit next to Hyunjin on the piano bench, your fingers dancing over the keys.

“No. I wish I did though. That would be a lot easier.”

“Why?”

“Because if I liked Minho, he wouldn’t hate me right now.”

“What? Why does Minho hate you?”

You turn to look at Hyunjin, faces only inches apart on the small bench. You admire his features for a second. He was so pretty, and you wish you could blame him for all of this, but you can’t.

“Because I like you.”

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #430

“when the girl in the corner is everyone’s woman, she could kill you with a wink of her eye”

What kind of dog do you find most ugly? What a mean question. ;-; I don't think they're ugly, but I probably find chihuahuas to be the least visually appealing. Do you like wood floors or carpet better? Wood. Do you think the USA bullies other countries? Quite frankly, yes. Are you currently in love right now? No. Favorite fast food joint? Sonic. What would you do if your ex contacted you? THE ex, have a panic attack. Cry. Be wordlessly ecstatic. Be scared and confused. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Two, yes, but one is unrealistic considering I have no idea who he is anymore. It's been way too long for me to possibly, accurately like him. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Do you know CPR? No. How much do you care about your best friend? I'd die for her. Do you watch Dr. Phil? No. What age would you like to have a child? I don't want kids ever. Are your parents wealthy? Mom, absolutely not. Dad seems to be financially stable, but not wealthy or anything. Pick one state you’d love to live in? Alaska. How many pets do you want? And of what? Man, I want a LOT. I know I want more ball python morphs, a plains hognose, a woma python, numerous tarantulas, a fat-tailed gecko, a boa, orchid mantises, a sphynx, a tegu would be super cool... I'd love to have like an empire of pets one day, aha, but only so long as I could maintain them all and adequately provide for them. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. When do you want to get married? I mean, I don't have a set age in mind. I want to get married when I'm ready. Can you play a musical instrument? I played the flute for yeeeaaaars in middle and high school, but I remember almost nothing by now. What if you stopped orgasming for the rest of your life? Idc, honestly. Does money make you happy? Money probably makes me happier than it should, but I'm not like madly in love with it or anything. Happens when you're poor your whole life. Your favorite breakfast food? Ugh, cinnamon rolls are a godsend. When was the last time you went to a funeral? I actually don't think I've ever been to one... only wakes. I really, really wish I could have gone to Jason's mom's, though... There was just no fucking way that I was going to risk upsetting Jason on THAT day of all days by popping up. Have you ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, we never actually dated, but you could say that... Tell me the date of your first kiss. I don't know the exact date, but it was March 2012. Are your legs long or short? Normal, I guess? How many phobias do you have? Man, a lot. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you use the Facebook chat often? Barely at all. I only really use it to chat with Girt on the rare occasion we talk. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? I discovered Mark on my own; I needed help in an Amnesia: The Dark Descent custom story, so I found his playthrough and watched it. Got a few laughs, subscribed. It was Jason who introduced me to Amnesia, though, so I can indirectly thank him, I guess? haha Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? No. Have you ever lived with a friend? Yeah, for a couple months. Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? No. Ever been on a real diet, or did you just stop eating? I've tried multiple diets. Have you ever known a white supremacist? I know multiple. Welcome to the South. Do you like the smell of a barbecue? Yesss. It's funny because I hate the food itself. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? Yeah. It's not rare, if I'm being honest. How many times have you been to the ER? Too many times because of being suicidal. How many people are you currently texting? None. Anything exciting coming up? My nephew's birthday is in a few days! Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? Money, so I can use it for anything. Do you have Instagram? I have three, ha ha. One for my basic photography, another for my morbid photos, and I went through a very short phase of having an Instagram for my pets. It still exists, but I don't really use it. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Cheeseburgers may possibly be my favorite food. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? I do. Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? I've owned plenty of black cats. What album is the last song you listened to from? It's from Disguise. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Probably Elf. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's, yes. I only remember the month of my dad's. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick? I think I want to get my tribute to Teddy next. How do you feel about band tattoos? Hey, go for it. I see nothing wrong with it. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Probably snakebites. Lip piercings in general are hot lmao. Are you any good at applying make up? Noooo, my hands are so shaky. How old were the last 3 people you kissed? Sara's 23; idr the exact ages of Girt and Tyler. I think Tyler was a year younger than me, and Girt is at the bare minimum three years older than me. If you found out you got someone pregnant, what would you do? Well, I'm a cisgender female, so... Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Very frequently. Do you like your cell phone? I mean it's fine, but I'd like a new one. Is rap your favorite genre of music? No, it's actually my least favorite. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Oh god, no. Do people think you’re happy? I think it's safe to say most people who know me know I'm clinically depressed. Or you know... maybe not. Quite a few people have been surprised to learn that about me because I can put on a good facade. What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see? None, honestly. That's way too long. What was your worst childhood experience? I guess my dad's alcoholism. As a child, I thought it was a normal thing, but I do wonder if my fear of men has anything to do with how volatile drinking had a 50/50 chance of making him. He never hurt anyone, but he was just so mad and hateful towards the world sometimes. You can trade another person’s emotions for your own. Whose do you take? I have no idea. What was/is going to be your first waltz at your wedding? That'll depend on my partner and what song means the most to us/fits us best. "When It's Love" by Van Halen has been a consideration for forever, though. When it’s not summer, what do you miss most about it? I hate summer. I miss nothing about it. Do you consider yourself patriotic? No. What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy? Feel like I accomplished something notable. Do you consider yourself mainstream? No. What’s the riskiest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing on cold medicine. What is life’s greatest mystery? Probably from whence we came. Humanity has fished for a definite answer forever. What was your favourite make-believe game as a kid? Pretending I was a meerkat hiding in a "burrow" that was a blanket fort, ha ha. Do you try your best at everything? Honestly, no. Who is your shoulder to cry on? My mom, without fail. What’s your standard excuse for not doing something? I dunno... it depends on the topic. Name the most beautiful person you know. As far as physical appearance goes, my friend Alon. Have you ever been to jail? No. What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of? Sara's face when I surprised her at her house for her birthday. It was absolutely fucking priceless. What place holds the most memories for you? Jason's house. Who was your first date? My puppy dog-love middle school bf Aaron. We went with a group of friends to a skating rink. My first one-on-one date was Jason. What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on? The zoo in 5th grade. It's the one and only time I've seen meerkats. For some weird reason, our zoo moved the meerkats not long after that visit. I THINK they said the environment just wasn't suitable for them, which I never really got... I think they mentioned the cold, but like, you have heating for them, and also, have you ever experienced a desert night? You consider all the other areas that have meerkats in their zoos and it's like... why, man. Bring my meerkats back. ;_; What do you think the earth will look like in 1,000 years? Oh dear God, I do NOT want to visualize that. My gut tells me it'll be a wasteland, probably without humans or most forms of life we have now. We have to get our shit straight, so very badly. I could rant for hours about how horribly and ungratefully we abuse our planet. Who makes you happy to be around? Sara! I feel like I can be my 100% authentic self, and we just vibe really well together. Like every time I've been there and she here, our friendship felt so natural and chill. I really, really need to save up for another trip up there. What secret have you tried to hide but it got out anyway? I kept the Joel situation to myself from pretty much everyone, but it eventually came out in front of Mom and Jason. It was actually the night of the breakup; I don't remember how it was relevant at all to mention, but I did in some form. Mom wisely never asked about it, and Jason obviously didn't. I was a stupid 12-year-old anyway, it's whatever now. Who/what is your everything? I will never. Ever. In five billion millennia. Let anyone be that again. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Ummm three? I think that's it. How many exes do you have? If I include everyone who ever had a title of "boyfriend/girlfriend," I have six. Who was your worst relationship with? Tyler. It was just pointless and the result of nothing but loneliness. What’s your ‘label’? (ex. punk, prep) I really, really don't care. Do you swear? How much? Like a sailor. I swore some beforehand, but I got really bad when Jason and I started dating. He swore a lot, and his mother did even more. I was around them as much as possible, so it rubbed off on me. What is the one thing that would make everything in your life fall apart? Losing my family, like being disowned or something like that. Especially when it comes to Mom. I rely on her so heavily, as much as I hate that. :/ What takes your breath away? Nature is very capable of that. Something like seeing big waterfalls in the mountains or something would marvel me. Are you patient? No, honestly. Are you a good dancer? No. Even when I took dance, I don't think I was great; however, I do think I was pretty skilled at clogging. Who would you call first in a life-threatening situation (not 911)? My mom. Who do you miss? Jason and his family, Megan, Alex, Hannia, Emily, Journee... a lot of people. Do you like snakes? I adore snakes.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''ballroom blitz'' by 3teeth

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goodnightallwhites · 4 years ago

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Dark Times: Cuz Sonia by Zenalite

Chapter 1 - Sonia Life could be strange. Growing up, people taught me that it was better to appear strong than weak, and that strength was the only way to get what you wanted. There were so many cringy scenes in middle-school where this failed to bring results. One time a classmate had asked me if she could copy the answers from my homework; I told her sure, so long as she let me kiss her. She rolled her eyes and walked her sweet young ass away while my male buddies laughed and congratulated me. When the weakest guy in our class gave her his homework, we called him out and mocked him, but our cutie responded by giving him a quick peck on the cheek when it was over. I remember burning with rage at the thought that some spineless little shit felt her lips while I, who was daring as I was told I should be, was left a kissless virgin. It never occurred to me to use the same strategy. That I later met Lara in high school and watched her slowly succumb to wanting to black cock addiction to the point that I held her as a party as they stole her virginity before my eyes was pure chance. These things were accepted because I loved Laura and was afraid to lose her, not because of some grand plan. When Yennefer approached me and told me she wanted Lara to share me so I could be her boyfriend too, the entire thing blew my mind. Somehow, I, the loyal cuck that put up with everything, was the last boyfriend standing while the others got kicked to the curb. Through my selfless devotion to Lara, I not only solidified her love for me, but won the affection of the most popular ice queen in school. Even though none of them fucked me or would fuck me, there were butterflies of good feeling flying all around me. Scratch that, it felt amazing. Any fucking loser could go out and buy pussy with a few bucks, and there were plenty of dumb guys born with big cocks that could get a girl wet and willing for half an hour while they fucked only to face her cool disdain afterwards. I was loved. I was wanted. Of course, it did feel bad to think that I might not fuck any of them, but it was an okay sacrifice. It certainly helped that they wanted to fuck black guys and only black guys. On one hand, I wasn’t and could never be black, so there was no need to feel like I failed in any way. On the other hand, these girls were objectifying these poor black studs to such an extent that they spoke of them more like toys than people. It was all a little racist, but… There’s no way I’m going to call Lara or Yenn racists to their face. As I said before, Yennefer told me that she wanted me, and that Lara needed to accept that a great cuck like me needed to be shared, at least with the top bitch if not the entire school. It would’ve been nice if Yenn went and delivered this message herself; instead, she was sending me out there to get devoured if things went wrong. Lara opened the door for me dressed only in a pair of ripped denim shorts and a crop top. The frayed bits from the jeans brushed tantalizingly against her smooth and tan legs as she moved idly and the perfect outline of her breasts showing through the thin fabric of the top. A sexy smile played over her lips as the brown eyes settled on me. “Mr. Boyfriend, I presume? Where are my flowers?” “In my pants.” Lara burst with laughter, not expecting the wild card response. “That’s rich.” Then, her features softened and lost all tension. With a low whisper, she grabbed my hand with welcome gentleness and said, “Come inside, baby, I missed you.” She went barefoot over the polished floor of her living room, the muscles working along her long and tone legs as she dragged me along, those perky and soft breasts swaying enticingly under the crop top. Unlike Yennefer’s strong scent of lilac and gooseberries, Lara’s was understated, fresh and a little metallic. We headed into her room and she locked the door. “My parents might be home soon.” Some soft rap music played from her laptop resting in bed. I took note of the printer at the lying in the middle of the floor and the new images that were going up on her wall. All of them were pics of black guys or white girls, at times together, most of them captioned in the most overt way possible. One showed a blonde girl wearing a Swedish flag tee and surrounded by bare-chested dark-skinned guys: EUROPE IS IS GETTING BLACKED. Another was just a close-up of a girl’s sweaty abs: WORK HARD FOR BBC. Lara drank in my reaction. Her blood rushed just from looking at them, and her hands went absentmindedly over her nipples as they started nudging through. “Well? Do you like them?” “I do…” I made myself say, though it was strange. The political ones were especially strong. “Though maybe they’re a little” - her eyebrows began to rise suspiciously as the words left my mouth - “direct?” Lara watched me closely, then leaned in and let her hot breath fill my ear. “I am very direct. Mostly.” A giggle came out of her, then she grabbed the laptop and flashed a picture on screen, showing a white girl holding hands with a skinny white guy as she kissed a really buff black bull that must have been in his forties. Under it, Lara had written: BREEDING READY. “How about this one? Good enough?” She found it hard to take her eyes off of the image. “Uh. It’s nice.” “Oh, fuck off! Be honest with me! I’ll tell you what…” Her finger came up to her lower lip and moved across it. “If you give me a better one, I’ll give you a reward.” A reward? Well… “How about HER HAPPINESS COMES FIRST?” Lara thought about it then bobbed her head happily and giggled. “That’s great. I love that.” Her fingers flew over the keyboard as she made the edit, then our creation slithered out of the printer and across the floor like eldritch baby. My beautiful girlfriend grabbed it and pinned it to the wall next to the others. “There we go! Now, about your reward…” Lara turned around and came towards me slowly, swaying her hips in a sensual way while her fingers circled caresses around her toned tummy. Close enough that her breasts almost pushed into me, though she made a point not to engage in any physical contact. “Do you think I’m breeding ready?” As my eyes went over her wide hips and jiggling breasts: “Definitely.” “I could get pregnant even today. Can you imagine? I’d make a baby for us. A strong black baby, of course, the only type that’s worth having. Would you like that? Would you like to know your girl is carrying a superior man’s child?” She took my hand and placed it over the hot flesh of her stomach, letting me feel the silky skin and the hard abs flexing under it. “Can you imagine cuddling me to sleep as a black baby is growing inside of me, sweetheart?” She brought her braid around and stroked it suggestively as I melted under her unbearably hot gaze. Suddenly, Lara stepped back and grinned, as I was left trembling with arousal from her words. “Got you.” It was funny to her, but scary to me. In a matter of seconds she managed to take me to an entirely different place. Surely I wouldn’t have wanted another guy to really make her pregnant. But all it took to make me feel like that's what I wanted most in the world were a couple of well-placed words. “I--” Her phone rang before I could speak. Lara spoke to her mother quickly and politely, then hang up and cursed. “Fuck. Honey, you need to go. My mom’s coming. We’ll talk later.” And just like that, with questions in my head and an unbearable erection, she threw me out of her apartment, even before I could deliver Yenn’s message. She can’t say I didn’t try. It’s time to unwind, I thought. But as soon as I got home, Mom came and told me in a hush-hush manner that my cousin came over and that she was resting in my room. “Be nice to her, she’s having a rough patch.” My cousin Sonia and I weren’t very close. We had been once upon a time, eons ago, but then she moved away with the rest of her family. I still remembered the clumsy way we parted ways when she left home, with her refusing to come out of the car to say goodbye. I only saw the back of her ginger head through the window. Of course, we talked since then, but it always felt like talking to a stranger… So, why did she come here today? The door to my room opened soundlessly, and Sonia was just there… sleeping on the bed. The way her hip rose in the air was as a mountain, the light jeans stretched to their utmost as she bent towards my view. Despite the larger-than-life rounded fat ass in front of me, her waist was small, and her lower half bent almost entirely out of view so that it was all one could see from the door. I gulped. “Sonia?” She exhaled softly. “Cuz? Is that you?” “It is.” Her head came around, just enough that one of her bright aqua eyes connected with me and realized her huge butt was lewdly directed right at my face. Blushing, she sat up and awkwardly played it off by toying with her fingers. “Sorry about that…” But now I could see her chest and the extreme way the ribs of her green sweater stretched across it. God, how big had she gotten since I last saw her? Even with as thicc as she was, those cowtits were massive... “Sorry to pop in like this.” “No worries, I’m happy to see you.” Sonia seemed weirded out by that. “You are? But we barely talk… Listen, I wanted to ask you something: Do you think I’m a good person?” “S-Sure,” I quickly voiced. “Why wouldn’t you be?” “You know I’ve been dating this guy for a while now… and I think I screwed it all up. He had this friend he said was platonic, his best friend, but I made him break off all contact with her. Then it turned out he was talking with her after all, and so I followed them.” “You followed them?” “To prove that he was lying! But I didn’t get the reaction I wanted… He was just… He cried, Cuz. He said I made him break the heart of his best friend. And she called me a bitch. And so…” And so she came to me to make her feel better about her shitty behavior. Six years we didn’t speak, and now this?... I did my part. I weaved her a version about how he should have been honest from the start or explained his position better, and how I always knew she was good and honest. It was enough to make tears well in her eyes and get her to smile. “Oh, Cuz, you’re so nice to me… You always knew how to make me feel better. I missed that. A lot.” As she spoke, I couldn’t help but wonder how big those jugs on her chest were. They were at least three times bigger than Lara’s - simply gigantic. And none of it was there when I saw her just a few summers ago. The words BREEDING READY from before came to mind, and all I could imagine was a black baby suckling from each one of those milkers. “Hey… You aren’t staring at my boobs, are you? Hehe!~ Don’t worry, everyone does it. Even old grannies.” Her hands came around them as if they were her babies. “You need strong hands just to lift them up.” “Black hands.” My reply wasn’t even conscious. I just spoke. “Huh? Come again?” I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth. “Nothing, nothing! I was muttering to myself.” But seriously, it was undeniable that she would have looked perfect getting blacked. All those soft white folds enveloping a big black cock, that ginger hair getting pulled on by strong dark hands… “Was your boyfriend white?” Sonia thought about that. “I mean, yeah. Why do you ask?” I shrugged. “A lot of girls in my school date black guys.” “Really? Oh, wow. I could never do that!” The way she said it sounded so amazed and confident that there wasn’t a doubt in my mind she meant it: the idea of dating a black guy hadn’t even occurred to her. “I don’t really think I’d feel comfortable, you know?” “Dating someone that isn’t a pale ginger?” Sonia smirked. “No, you idiot! Dating a person that’s, you know… God, don’t make me say it. I feel bad saying it. But black guys aren’t exactly my type, let’s put it that way.” The almost completely unveiled racism combined with my antipathy towards her coming all this way just to use me made me want to see her punished and blacked. Hard. “Why don’t we go out?” “Hmmm? Go out? Where to?” “Let’s find you a boyfriend.” “Hahaha! You aren’t serious, are you? You’re crazy, Cuz. I don’t even have good clothes.” “You look fucking amazing already. Come on.” Sonia lowered her head shyly, so far down it was almost in her boobs. “You keep complimenting me, I’m gonna die. But okay. Let’s do it!” Before that, I needed to make a call. I left her in the room and headed to the bathroom, then scrolled with shaky fingers for Yennefer’s name. It rang a couple of times, then it said busy. Busy? Seriously… As I stared at the screen at the denied call, I suddenly saw my face reflected back. She was video calling me. Oh god… Her pale and dark-haired form materialized on my screen. She wore a shiny robe and was brushing her hair. “Why, hello darling. You’re a fast little worker bee, aren’t you? I wasn’t expecting you so soon. Has dear sweet Lara seen come to terms with the new way things will work from now on?” “Uhhh… I’m working on it,” I said optimistically. Yenn stared right into the camera so I could feel her icy stare and sighed. “Disappointing, yet predictable. What would you like from me? I hope you aren’t begging for a show, I’m quite dressed and ready for my beauty sleep.” “Uh, no, no, no…” Her eyes narrowed threateningly. “I mean, I would LOVE that, but no… I wanted your help. You see my cousin’s over and I thought I would, uh…” “Initiate her in the Dark Arts?” “Something like that, yeah.” “And she’s come to our church begging for our teachings, or are you seeking the BBC version of a koan to force enlightenment upon her?” “Whatever the second is, probably.” Yenner smiled affably. “You are endearingly stupid, do you know that?” “Yes.” “Now, now.” She raised a finger in warning. “Vanity does not suit a man. Anyway, I suppose I can arrange this for you. I am very generous. Get your delightful cousin, I’ll send you an address soon enough.” “Thank you, Yennefer.” A smirk. She reached so far back with her brush that the robe began to open, showing a glimpse of-- Call ended. Sonia and I snuck out before my mom became aware. I only called her once we were at the bus station, pretending that Sonia insisted I go and that I had no choice. Meanwhile, Yenn sent me an address that appeared to be closeby. Standing there at the bus station by herself, my ginger cousin looked oddly vulnerable. She seemed very conscious of her bovine ass and breasts and the way everyone stared at her over them. A few girls that were trying to show cleavage by squeezing together some breasts that were baby-sized gave her genuinely hateful looks. “I hope that place we’re going to is more friendly…” I was worried Yenn would send us to some seedy club, but it turned out to be some teenage meeting spot, a book store turned cafe after 5 p.m. where people could take books out and read them while drinking. Sonia loved it, and we sat there for a whole two hours while I wondered if I had gotten the place wrong. “This is great, you know!~” She smiled happily as she flipped through another book she found. “Going out was a great idea. Not many boyfriends here though, except maybe the ones in these pages.” There was nothing to do but pay and make our way back home. Yennefer, what the hell? It was as we were chatting and walking up towards the bus stop that three guys got in our way. They looked like proper thugs, with face tats and golden teeth that flashed while they spoke. I said black guys, not fucking criminals, Yenn. “The fuck do we have here?” one of them said, circling around Sonia. “Ginger meat.” Another rubbed his palms together eagerly, then pulled on his crotch. “Looks tasty.” Sonia’s gaping eyes glanced at me as the three walled her in and started groping her, tugging at her tight sweater, palming her huge ass cheek, and running their dark fingers through her ginger hair. The few white guys that passed us by pretended not to see it and kept going like proper cucks. “Leave me alone…” said Sonia breathlessly. “I’ll call the police. Cuz!” I raised the phone to give the impression, at least, until one of them yelled at me to put it down or get my ass beaten down. I was beginning to question whether or not these people had anything to do with Yennefer at all. Could they have just been random guys? A bit suspicious… “Seriously…” Sonia tried again, her voice breaking down. One of the guys reached up and got a feel of her breasts, sinking his fingers into the warm folds of the plump flesh. “Goddamn,” he drawled. “These are some monster tits on you, aren’t they? We should inspect these. Make sure you don’t have breast cancer.” “I don’t!...” It was too late for her to fight back, as they were already pulling her after them. Whatever fight there was in Sonia evaporated pretty quickly when facing three black guys with arms about as thick as her waist. What kind of girl could have fought just one of them, let alone three? “Cuz! Do something!” she yelled. “What’s he gonna do?” one of the guys asked, laughing. That was true, I wasn’t about to do much of anything, except follow along and see where this led. They took her down an alley and then up a set of stairs that led to an apartment. They got her in the living room and locked the door, then threw her on the sofa as they took off their tops. Even my cousin, as strongly as she must have felt against the idea of being taken like this for the first time, took a moment to stare at the rippling musculature of their glistening and tattooed chests. Already, their dicks were so hard that they were outlined down the side of their pants, twitching ready. To my surprise, they didn’t rip her clothes off. In fact, despite all their big talk about how they were going to inspect her and so on, patting her down and feeling her up through her clothes was the most of what they seemed to be doing. Sonia looked away as they explored every curvy of her body, moaning each time they squeezed too hard on her. One of them came and dropped down on the sofa and pulled her in his lap, while the other two flanked Sonia. “Such a pretty ginger slut,” the one to her left said, coiling some of her ginger hair around his dark finger. “Uhm…” Though she appeared distressed, it was clear that the all the touching and attention affected her body on a deep primordial level. Not only were her cheeks a deep red, but her eyes were fluttering and her chest heaved with her heated, breathless inhalations. “Cuz?”...” said a lone whisper, but she wasn’t even looking at me. Only at the strong black bulls surrounding her that were ready to put her in her place. The guys took her pale hands and brought them down to their dicks as they throbbed through their pants, snaking so far down their thighs that even I found myself hypnotized. I watched dumbfounded as Sonia’s expression went from one of excitement, to pure shock as her fingertips explored the length and shape of their powerful shafts. “You like that?” they asked her. “You feel that thing under you?” The guy she was sitting on started moving his hips and grinding her ass back and forth over his dick, slowly moving her back and forth while she jumped each time his dick hit her crotch. I could only wonder what her parents or boyfriend might have seen if they saw her being slutted up like this. Her mind was being warped in real time, and I could see the enchanted smile that started curling her as she took in the true size and might of those big black cocks. Her palms started moving by themselves over the shafts; at the same time, her own hips started rocking and helping the bull under her. Turned on by her new show of interest, the studs plunged their hands into her doughy breasts, each one kneading a different part, their strong fingers abusing the soft teenage tits of this breeding snowfunny as her white cousin watched helplessly. At some point one must have accidentally pinched one of her nipples, because Sonia threw her head back in pure pleasure and cooed submissively. The guy under her grinned, flashing his golden teeth. “You like that, bitch?” The aqua eyes looked to me for a brief second, as if seeking my approval. “I love it,” she confessed, still blushing wildly with shame, but completely unable to help herself. From the exhilarated way she sought to touch their cocks, it was crystal clear that the drugging effect of BBC lured her in. Her eyes went from one dick to another, gaping and unable to look away. “They’re getting bigger!” Sonia was awestruck. “No shit.” My cousin bit her tongue, then the wet mouth opened instinctively. “Can I see?...” she whispered, as if hoping no one could hear that. “What was that?” asked the guy under her. “N-Nothing,” stammered Sonia. The thugs brofisted each other and laughed it up. “You hear that, bro? She wants to see your dick.” The more I watched these guys, the more I realized there was something off about them. They were just so… stereotypically thuggish. There was an unreality about their behavior that went at odds with the mild manner in which they conducted themselves. The black guy under her yanked her head back by the hair and looked her in the eyes. “Well? Did he hear it right? You want us to get our dicks out and fuck you?” Sonia hesitated for a second. But it was only a second. A clear gulp went down her throat. “Yes.” The thug shook her. “Say it, you dumb white bitch. I want to hear it.” The obscene cowtits trembled on her chest. “I want to see your dick.” “My black dick.” Sonia’s eyes closed and she took a deep breath. “I want to see your black dick. Please,” she added. “Please? Well, ain’t you fuckin’ thoughtful. On your knees.” “Huh?” Before she could follow any order, the thug threw her to the ground and stood up before her, ordering her to kneel. “On your fucking knees, bitch! Now! Don’t you fucking hear me?” Sonia did as told and got down in a position of total submission, presenting herself as her hands were folded in her lap. “Please, sir…” He grabbed her by the ginger locks and came close enough that the outline of his big black cock twitching in his pants was right in her face. “Why don’t you kiss my dick? Show me how much you like it.” This time, there was no lag between his order and her actions. As if she were planning to do it all along, the full lips puckered up and landed right on the shaft, not just once, but many times over, delivering kisses so gentle they could have been meant for a lifelong lover. Even her tongue came out to lick it up and down, not caring it was trapped behind a layer of fabric. The thug laughed grimly, then pressed her face against his dick gleefully. I watched my racist cousin smile happily as she got her nose and mouth rubbed against his black cock. Yenn, you delivered… “Please, sir, just let me see it… Please…” she begged, as obedient as any worshiper now. How she went from a kidnapped victim to a cockcrazed slut in less than fifteen minutes was pure magic. He snorted and pushed her away. “Fuck no. Dumb white bitch. You think I’d waste my energy with you? We’re done here. Come on, get the fuck out of here.” Before Sonia could wipe the shock off her ashen face, he started kicking at her to get out, finally grabbing her by the hair and to shove her out the door like unwelcome trash. I was left behind, and once the door closed, the thug came over to me and spoke casually: “Okay, I think we’re done here,” he said, in a totally different voice. “Are we good?” “Uhm. I’m not sure?...” “Yenn said she needed a bit of a push... so, we got her there, right?” The other two started removing the gold off their teeth and wiping off the face tats. Wow. It had all been a sham? The guy watched me impatiently. “Well?” “Yes, you did great…” “That’s wonderful.” He put his hands together and bowed ever so slightly. “Thanks. So how would you rate my performance, on a scale of one to ten?” “Oh my god,” the other two said, dropping their thuggish voices as well. “Leave the kid alone, man, he’s not here to rate your acting. Performance, he says.” They snorted. “You haven’t gotten a role in two months.” “If this wasn’t a role, then I guess I won’t share the pay, huh? Anyway, you should go now. Tell our friend things went well, I could use the boost.” I came out of the apartment amazed at their and Yenn’s professionalism, and found a dismayed Sonia waiting for me. “Jesus!” She ran over and hugged me, and I could feel the warm breasts pressing into me. “I thought they were going to hurt you.” “Thankfully not.” She took a step aside and pushed her hair back, avoiding eye contact. “What happened in there… You know that was just acting, right? I was just trying to avoid getting raped or worse.” There was no way that was the truth of it. Even if she played it up, she definitely got excited by them… she still was, as could be seen from the glazed eyes and the shivers that kept passing through her. Yenn, you should’ve told them to go the whole way... As we went back home, I could tell her mind was elsewhere. “You said… those girls at your school only date black guys?” she asked me once we were back on the bus, going home. “Most of them.” “Huh.” She pursed her lips thoughtfully. “None of them got hurt?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Hurt? Why would they get hurt? How racist are you, Cuz?” “Not racist! I’m just wary of new things, that’s all. But that’s… that’s good to hear.” For someone that had just been kidnapped and molested by black thugs, at least as far as she was aware, this was a very sudden change of heart in the opposite direction. “Maybe one day I’ll give it a shot.” I felt like toying with her further. “You just have to be careful.” “Careful?” Sonia blinked anxiously. “Of what?” “You know…” I kept my voice low as other passengers crowded around us. “That.” “I don’t know,” whispered Sonia harshly. “Tell me!” “I mean, you saw it even tonight. Black guys have cocks so big that they’re incomparable to tiny white pencil dicks. Most girls can’t take that. Some of them like serving as cocksleeves, sure, but it will still tear you apart and ruin you. These bulls will fuck you so hard that you scream and lose your voice. You won’t even be able to walk or talk after they’re done with you. You’ll just be a shivering hot mess. And the best ones get so many girls that they have no long term interests. All they’ll do is break you, put a black baby inside of you, and then throw you away like a used rag.” I could almost see the whole scene playing out in her head through the small movements of her face. At the end she just looked inwards, licking and biting her lip. I felt proud, pulling the same trick on her that Lara did on me, though I was getting aroused as well.. “Sounds awful,” she whispered, not even there with me anymore. Sonia was in her mind now, getting destroyed by black cock. In the span of a single evening, my “cuz” was turned into yet another BBC slut. I did this, I realized. Pride swelled in my heart.

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airadam · 4 years ago

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Episode 142 : ...If You Hear Me

"We all need...some fresh air."

- Tobe

This month has been pretty exhausting, but I did have some good ideas for this episode, and once I hit stride with the recording I decided to try and keep the pace up and get it released on a weekend day! The selection has turned out to be heavy on artists who are no longer with us, but left us some great music to remember them by. Get yourself comfortable and press "play"...

Twitter : @airadam13

Twitch : @airadam13

Playlist/Notes

Evidence ft. Raekwon and Ras Kass : The Red Carpet

How is this track ten years old already? Time has flown since the 2011 release of "Cats & Dogs", the second solo Evidence album after four LPs as part of Dilated Peoples. While Evidence is an excellent producer in his own right, the reins here are taken by his future partner in The Step Brothers, The Alchemist. He further shows his confidence by bringing in California's Ras Kass and Raekwon from the Wu to guest, both legendary MCs, and holds his own next to both. A great collection of talent to kick off the show!

[DJ Premier] Gang Starr : What's Real? (Instrumental)

I just had to go back to "One Of The Best Yet" for another Preemo beat! Definitely get the instrumental release if you can, especially as you get the previously-unreleased "Glowing Mic" as a bonus cut.

The Notorious B.I.G ft. DMC : My Downfall

As I say on the voiceover, it feels weird playing a good chunk of Biggie's catalogue given how he ultimately died. This track from "Life After Death" is a perfect example, and feels like a mix of the creative writing he was famed for and maybe a realisation of exactly how much negativity swirled around him even after he had made the transition from the streets to the music industry. The legendary DMC of RUN DMC guests, only on the hook - but he does it well.

Agallah : Slaughter

Just a few bars, just a taste, as I needed something to bridge a track with no instrumental outro and the other with no open bars on the intro! Big respect to Agallah though, who has been putting in work since the mid-90s and will probably have yet another new project out by the time I finish typing this sentence. Find this beat on "Propain Campain Presents Agalllah - The Instrumental Vol. 1".

Sean Price and Small Professor (ft. Rock and DJ Revolution) : Refrigerator P

Heavy business! Ruck (Sean Price) and Rock, formerly the duo Heltah Skeltah, reunite on this killer from the "86 Witness" LP. Small Professor makes the beat dramatic, and DJ Revolution seasons the mix with his trademark super-sharp cuts.

Fred The Godson : Presidents

The Bronx-born-and-bred MC Fred The Godson sadly passed away last April at just 35 - one of the relatively early US casualties of COVID-19. During his lifetime, his catalogue consisted of some highly-rated mixtapes, but only after his death do we finally hear his debut album, "Ascension". This track of course is built (by Hesami) around the same sample as Jay-Z's "Dead Presidents" as Fred expounds on the drug game.

Broke 'n' English : Tryin' (Calibre Mix)

"Tryin'" was one of the standouts on the 2007 debut LP "Subject 2 Status" from this respected Manchester crew. Both Strategy and DRS have a long-standing history in the drum & bass scene, and so it made sense that the remix of this track would be handled by someone like Calibre. Sharp, crisp drum action and a smooth bassline drive this one along, with DRS' vocals being woven in as a refrain. You can hear in this one track how DRS then went on to make several excellent D&B albums - his vocal versatility allows him to shine on any production.

Marco Polo : Cindy

The "MP On The MP" (see what he did there?) beat tape is inspired by a Youtube series he was doing, and features a host of new and unreleased beats. Marco Polo is one keeping this style of production alive, which I'm thankful for. I still think of him as a "new" producer, but he's a veteran with over fifteen years in the industry!

Le$ : Out To Cali

Le$ is a great MC to go to if you want lyrics about just living life and having fun - almost like a Curren$y, but without the extreme high-end references. Right here, he's going to Cali, buying some weed, riding around, and enjoying the view - sometimes it doesn't need to be more lofty than that. Mr.Rogers goes to a familiar sample as a basis for the beat, and if you want more, the whole "Summer Madness" will give you these vibes - and exercise your speakers in the process.

O.C. : What I Need (Keelay Remix)

The "Smoke & Mirrors" LP is a bit of a forgotten one for many, but I really enjoyed it, and when acapellas became available, it was expertly remixed by the Sole Vibe crew out of San Francisco. The classic soul sample (which you may recognise from tracks like "Deeper" by Bo$$) is the foundation, with a heavy kick and skipping hi-hats providing the rhythm. O.C. never lost a step from his first LP, and he's never afraid to put his feelings out there on wax.

Sadat X : Stages & Lights

This is one of those tracks I was stunned to realised I hadn't already played on the podcast, so here it is at last! This Showbiz-produced cut from the 1996 "Wild Cowboys" LP, Sadat's solo debut, was also a B-side on the "Hang 'Em High" single - but definitely stole the show. If you ever find the original sample, you'll be amazed at how Show plucked that one small piece for this beat!

Phife Dawg : Thought U Wuz Nice

Killer B-side action from Phife Dawg, on the flip of the Superrappin "Bend Ova" 12", with J Dilla on the bouncy production. Still can't quite believe that both of these icons are no longer with us.

Saib : Beyond Clouds

The Chillhop label seems to put out endless amounts of beats from producers specialising in sounds inspired by greats like J Dilla and Nujabes, but with their own spin. This one comes from the "Chillhop Essentials Fall 2020" compilation, one of any number that are perfect for soundtracking study, work, or just a lazy day!

213 : Run On Up

That beat by Tha Chill and the delivery of "Shut the f********ck up and ruuuu-uuu-uuuun" by the late great Nate Dogg is enough to make this an absolute classic in my ears, but the full picture is even better. Way before "Doggystyle", "The Chronic", or even "Deep Cover", 213 was the group formed in Long Beach by Nate Dogg, Warren G, and Snoop, before any of them had got their big breaks. Years later, after all of them had become stars in their own rights, it was heart-warming to see them reform for the "The Hard Way" LP, from which this is taken.

Sporty Thievz : Angel

The Sporty Thievz deserve to be remembered for more than "No Pigeons", as much as we enjoyed the whole thing at the time. The "Street Cinema" album may not have quite lived up to the name, but there were some solid cuts on there, and this was one. Produced by King Kirk of the group alongside Ski, this track has all the foreboding, and while the singing on the hook may not be Marvin Gaye level, it absolutely works here.

Jean Grae : My Crew

One of the great underrated MCs - not because her skills are in question, but simply because not enough people know her! She's in fine early 2000s form on this cut from the "Bootleg of the Bootleg EP", produced by China Black. Straight boom-bap, and she cuts through with clarity and dexterity. Jean Grae raps, sings, produces, acts...one of the true talent of the culture.

Bronx Slang : Just Say No

New single from Jerry Beeks and Ollie Miggs, who have really been on a hot streak the last couple of years. It's nice to hear some protest music in an era that really calls for it, and if this is a marker of how good the upcoming second album is going to be, then you need to reserve a space in your crates right now! Jadell on production brings an appropriate heaviness to the track, no lightness on the beat!

[Ron Browz] Big L : The Heist (Instrumental)

All these years and I'd never looked to see who produced this beat from Big L's posthumously-released LP "The Big Picture" - come to find out it's one of Ron Browz' first credits. He's much better known for "Ether" by Nas, which came in 2001. The vocal version of this track is what the name suggests, a robbery tale, and you can hear the sound effects that punctuate the narrative still here in the instrumental.

Tobe Nwigwe : Fresh Air

Tobe Nwigwe and his collective (including his wife Fat and his producer Nell) have been quietly on the rise for a while, but in very recent times their profile has elevated noticeably. "The Pandemic Project" is a short six-track album from last year, and another quality addition to the catalogue. This man is an amazing MC, and Nell's often-unconventional beats are the perfect canvas. Don't sleep!

Please remember to support the artists you like! The purpose of putting the podcast out and providing the full tracklist is to try and give some light, so do use the songs on each episode as a starting point to search out more material. If you have Spotify in your country it's a great way to explore, but otherwise there's always Youtube and the like. Seeing your favourite artists live is the best way to put money in their pockets, and buy the vinyl/CDs/downloads of the stuff you like the most!

Check out this episode!

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consavanarola · 4 years ago

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Beauty and the bigfoot

Across the north American continent span the great majestic Canadian Rocky mountains. A primordial structure that came from deep within our planet’s body. Imperial and proud yet largely untouched these mountains have been here from our planet’s beginning. It is precisely there that Stephanie chose to escape to for a two year break from life.

This life of: year in, year out, work work work, summer in – summer out, annual performance review, meetings, stress for bank accounts and an endless line of people she would – out of respect for the human race – prefer to not categorize. “Well paid plebs” is what she would call them. Day in – day out they followed orders from their manager-master and then go home to drink wine while once a week they had the chance to watch a bloody spectacle on the Colosseum Version 2019, known also as Netflix. The entire process subsidised by one of the central banks.

This life was not for her and rebellion needed to be much more than simply hunching a hoody and running around a park listening to rap music. Which of course she would never do as Stephanie was above all a well fashioned elegant life-perfectionist.

University had been a great time for Stephanie as it was then that she discovered music and her love for nature but that next step into the so called “corporate world” led her straight to the development of intellectual disgust for modern living. Her reaction was so natural that to her this was part of her thought structure. It started from her inability to adequately answer simple questions like “what is this all about?” or “why is this person on this planet?”

She wanted more. But the instructions manual didn’t have a section on “more”. It surely had 20 pages about “more wine” and 50 about “more work” but nothing about “more life”. Love, or at least what the terms & conditions of app called love, popped in every now and then but she never loved the person love proposed. She loved “love” as a verb and human activity and did believe truly in its greater purpose but the person, the man was never what she loved. Most men seemed to be the packaging of love and no matter how many layers she hurriedly unwrap, no matter how many weekends in Barcelona she’d spend with a man … she never found love. Stephanie was wholeheartedly in great need to both escape from this world and also to find greatness, two distinct needs with overlapping purpose.

An eye-catching Lufthansa magazine article during one of her business trips to Frankfurt, laced with German pragmatism, explained it all to her. The title was “Banff – escape inside the natural you” ‘their translation department needs some help’ she told herself. Capital of Alberta Canada, according to the article Banff was a paradise nested within the Canadian Rockies, a place of beauty, nature and free spirit. Before the air-waiters could serve those chemically grown jam filled plum cakes, Stephanie was already well into her feasibility analysis. ‘It’s either this or getting a large dog and naming it Lucifer, so it’s this, so Yes my dearest you can do this, do it’ she negotiated internally. Three months and a resignation letter later there she was in Banff Alberta Canada modern living’s latest self-exile.

She had a great set-up for this new life of hers. Work four days a week at the local Hilton as a restaurant connoisseur cause per local standards she knew everything about European wines and then for three days she was free to go on trekking trips. An endlessness of green and imposing natural structures all there for her mind and body to indulge in. She believed that, as for people, so also for trees there exists a sense of uniqueness. As if each tree somehow knows that it is one and different to the others, it was this concept that drove her at times to simply stand next to a tree and observe its every detail in search of what makes it different to the others. She spent full minutes standing next to trees comparing their dimensions versus her own body, moving in strange ways to better gauge the trunk’s diameter or form. She would whisper “spectacular” to herself at least three times a week and truly meaning it.

I was June, the greatest of all months for women and something inside Stephanie knew this. Was it Juno’s hand reaching down from Olympus or simply the army of wild flowers all cheerful to see her as chance would take her path by them? When close to nature many random events at a microbial level all accumulate and trigger the various biologies of our inner workings. Stephanie was unknowingly June’s hostage and one Friday, her yes day, she set off for her trek. Local fashion implied jean shorts, white knee socks, strong trekking boots and a red Abercrombie $15 t-shirt. She decided to leave the town from the side where the river passes nearest and where the caves are. Off she went.

At some point after one of her tree merging sessions she walked onto a wild flowered knoll with no shade where she heard a whistle. There a tuned whistle with detailed sonority stopped her. Startled she stood to observe and grasp what was happening ‘just another trekker’ she reassured herself but her answered did not suffice. ‘right here, right now? To me in these mountains? What are the odds that I hear such a strange tune?’ … she stood for 30 seconds and heard the tune take distance. ‘I came here for the mountains and the trees, not some whistle’ she shrugged this disruption away and disregard this intrusion. She was here for herself and for nature … no distractions. Her trek went on as planned.

Monday soon came and it was dinner time at the hotel restaurant where nothing out of the ordinary was happening until from the lobby came that whistle once again. This was her work place so Stephanie’s personal standards could take second stage, ‘disruption at work is a job issue’ she told herself and raced to see what had tickled her ear three days ago on that flowery hill. Through the disdain hotel lobby ornaments she safaried and pushed aside the Drömsk Ikea floor lamb to uncover the last thing she would ever expect to see in the Canadian mountains, a pirate. Not a real pirate on a ship in the Caribbean but a man who at first glanced could not be called anything but a pirate. His hair was scruffy brown and so was his skin which, beyond being mildly done by the sun, also had that veneer of adventurous dryness that prolonged exposure to the sun and sea salt leaves behind. Above all his eyes had a deep middle-eastern look with carbon powdered eyes. She kept her hand on the Drömsk and told herself to turn away as he was beginning to turn his head in her direction and a man was not this evening’s menu.

That was something unexpected she said to herself as she marched back to her post at the restaurant where customers sat expecting her to treat them with that safe and reliable Trustpilot verified Hilton love they paid $200 a night for. Stephanie naturally made people smile, it was part of her instinctive blueprint. She had short brown hair which defused any fear of aggression or over sexuality and this made everyone want to be her friend immediately. After 19 responsibly sourced rump steaks with farm grown fries things started to die down as it was nearly one hour to midnight. Suddenly the pirate came inside and went straight to the bar. Dark jeans and a light red turtle neck he walked slowly but with firm steps. ‘who wears a turtle neck in June?’ she perplexed.

“Hey Tom, could you go do a turn in the cellar for me, I’ll take over here” she told the bartender who with a half-smile and look went off. Manning the bar herself she was there standing face to face with this … cold mountain pirate. He was jittery and started fidgeting with the menu while examining the bottles behind Stephanie. One of his eyes was also looking at her body, mid height between the bottles and she was asking herself why? ‘I’m not on the menu mate’ she confirmed to herself. She took a glass and in pure bartender fashion started polishing it with a white cotton hand towel, to which he reacted by jumping five centimetres up and glimpsing at the bottles with overstatement then sat back down and sunk his nose back into the menu. She was formulating a plan to say something but before she could enact he spoke.

“you’re the bartender aren’t you? You’re here right?” he said with a fidgety tone.

“I am certainly here” she smiled back while inside she said ‘I know this man, he is lost, he came here to escape the world where he was successful but couldn’t find something truly worthwhile, now he is here at the edge of the world seeking refuge, yes, I know this man perfectly’

He looked at her directly, stopped moving about and smiled. He held the smile for a full three seconds then leaned deeply into the bar towards her saying “Are you a good bartender?”

“what?” she choked

“well you say you’re here and … well so am I but should we be here? I mean I know I’m a great customer but are you a good bartender?” he asked with a slow confident tone that she found basically inappropriate.

After two seconds of cold silence and a dry stare in his face she said, “What’ll it be partner?” trying to establish some ground rules and place this whole scenario where it belonged the standard saloon of a frontier outpost town where she was the boss.

He had failed at something, this was clear to her but she would never find out what. He stopped looking at her and went back into the menu, “I think every drink is perfect for the right occasion and I’m trying to figure out what this occasion is … I … I … I guess I’m kinda lost” …

Inside herself was triumph ‘I knew it, I know this man, he IS lost, weird, a bit too weird but weird with great eyes is actually great and … well either way I knew he was lost, I rock’ she declared.

… “What would you recommend?” he asked her.

“I’d say you’re a whiskey man, we’ve got some great Canadians, aged of course” She proudly sold.

“makes you fat” he snapped back.

‘he cares about his weight, I can’t tell what his body is like while he is sitting down but this is a good sign’ she debated internally as she smiled in agreement with his comment and found his eyes asking her to look a bit deeper. She wanted to of course and then nearly roused on herself with ‘wake up Stephanie, leave the eyes cause you are not falling for this guy. You came to Banff for you not some fidgety arrogant pirate’. She had to reply fast or else he’d notice something was going on and plus an answer would help her better manage the temptation to look at her eyes. What should she say? She opted for all-out attack, the only good defence:

“Hey, there’s a great wine bar two blocks down the road with a great collection of Bordeaux” she said firmly and with a simile of victory.

He looked at her and smiled, then looked out the window.

‘this guy’s good’ she thought.

He replied with “It’s never nice to drink far from home when you’re drinking alone, so I’ll stay here and … do what you tell me to” launching a deeper than manageable stare into her eyes.

Emotionally perilous music now sounded in her brain which was packing up and getting ready to check out for the evening. Yes, that’s what brains do, they leave you along just before midnight in outpost towns just after you meet a pirate with deep brown eyes. Juno wasn’t helping either as every time the lobby door opened the early summer night breeze sent aromas to her nose.

‘do your job’ she slapped herself and asked him “Whiskey it is then, on the rocks?”

“I thought you said it was good whiskey”,

“The best”,

“Then why would I dilute it with water? You see water is a universal constant of sorts, it turns everything back into the original essence of life, I want some whiskey, if it’s good then bring it to me straight up” he explained

‘a brain too’ she told herself feeling now that this was actually becoming a thing. ‘If he smiles to me one more time I’m leaving with Brain’ she promised herself as she prepared his drink. His New York accent was reassuring and added only to what she was finding great about this guy, eyes above all and now a brain. Yet still this man uncalled for in this exotic mountain paradise Stephanie had chosen to escape to. She was trying to condemn this act of piracy into her world but wanted more and more to keep the sails full canvased. She poured his 24 years old Canadian whiskey and tried to tell him she was not available with a simple and firm “Enjoy” as she looked away.

“Oh I’m enjoying it already, listen since we’re going to be friends you might as well tell me your name. I’m David, I’m from New Jersey. What’s your name?” he said with happiness and accomplishment in his voice.

‘to be a woman or not to be’ she asked herself and thus decided ‘ok, let’s see where these eyes will take me. Brain has left so there won’t be any witnesses tonight’.

“I’m Stephanie, I’m from London, here on a … kind of a gap year, pleased to meet you” she curtsied.

He sipped the whiskey with savour and went on “Gap year? That sounds great, so what? you work all day and then go mountain hiking or bear hunting or something?” laughing mildly to continue this connection.

Stephanie regrouped inside herself for an emergency all directors meeting: how can he know so much? Am I that obvious? Perhaps I am just that but then he is the lost one who needs my guidance not the other way around, didn’t this man get the e-mail?. Am I just here for his eyes and smart cracks? Oh my god I need to tell this guy to “f” off cause this is my place and out here I am not only the queen I’m the king, the bishop, the aristocracy and three witches hiding in the swamp. There are no more openings. Sure I will one day fall in love with my dream man but I haven’t started this project yet. I need to shut him up once and for all.

So she opted to change the topic from them to something neutral, and said “I guess you could say that but … Banff is very beautiful, and the weather this time is great, have you done any trekking?”

He showed irritation to her manoeuvre and she loved that. This stranger here in front of her at a bar was actually dictating terms on her emotions. On top of all that he was beautiful and in a way that only an ocean and the sun could be. With brain checked out she feared that soon her heartbeat would be out of her control. ‘this is supposed to be just another Monday’ she screamed to herself.

He sipped more of the whiskey and … suddenly Tom came back from the cellar, it felt to her like he had gone a month ago. Tom, who knew Stephanie well, looked at her. She looked back with a straight square and intent face and he smiled back and left. She did think for an eternity whether to send him off or have him take over at the bar thus allowing an escape from this captive pirate. An eternity for Stephanie lasts precisely one tenth of a second. ‘Leave us Tom, it’s late and well … David needs to drink some whiskey, I won’t tell you anything about it in the morning’ she told herself.

“Actually, I have a confession to make”, Davide replied and her heart winked upwards to where brain should have been, “I have been doing some trekking but not for the beauty of the mountains …”

“Oh?”

“… yeah well, and here comes the confession, I believe in bigfoot and well I’m here to see if I can find one, there now you think I’m crazy” ending with a small nod and smile as he looked sideward then stared right at her.

Stephanie sends out a square smile that initially wanted to pop and said “That’s … that’s the cutest thing I’ve heard anybody say in months” she said with positivity.

“You don’t think that sounds crazy? I mean too crazy?” David said like a six year-old.

“No!” she said with a triple o “I mean it, that’s super cute, I wish more people would follow their dreams and do what they really want every now and then. This is exactly what the world needs”

“You know I couldn’t agree more, the world is filled with people who are boring and that’s not the problem but the result, the problem is that they want to be boring. It’s over for 99% of them, just going from one step to the next, just like their parent said they would …”

“Yeah ... “ concurred Stephanie

“… I mean I get that there are some standard things we human beings simply must do like sell something to make money, eat, sleep although even sleeping isn’t as necessary as people think … but anyway … I mean in the end once every six months you need to go do something totally unexpected, something that only your heart would ever think of doing” David concluded.

They looked at each other with two smiles and two prolonged nods between them. “Yeah” said Stephanie to break the silence which wasn’t a problem but she just wanted to reaffirm her consent to his thesis one more time.

“I’m gonna –pause– get another whiskey here” said David. She paused too and looked at him on purpose for the 100th time in the last hour, now she looked at herself and asked: is this person in front of me part the wild and natural landscape I escaped to? Am I in control or not of what is going on here? Why is this man with these deep brown eyes confessing to me, why is he feeling like a schoolboy and showing it? What card have I picked up from the board game?

She had so many questions in her mind all of which could wait for this one mega question - “how long will he be staying in Banff?” A question of pivotal importance and probably the most difficult question ever but not because it’s hard to answer rather … because it’s impossible to ask.

She snapped out of it and ask him “Another whiskey? Sure. Where? Here you said? Of course sure, ha ha where else?”

David crossed his eyebrows as if he was thinking but all she could see was a new version of his dark smuggling eyes. This man was doing something to her no one had ever done before, he was creating questions about existence and self-nature for her to answer rather than overflow her with tangible constructions about the world she so easily left behind. She wanted some whiskey too but couldn’t drink there as she was on duty. She wanted to know this guy, she wanted to meet him, she wanted. It was worthwhile and this was her escape year. This could be one small step for her but one giant leap for her womanhood so she did it. She proposed to him.

“Hey I should be getting off here about now, it’s midnight and we’re actually closed, we could go to that wine bar down I told you about and get a last drink”

Wow, she has been upfront with men before but never when the man was so sober. This was it, her river card, her final bet, her last fig leaf. After tonight it would be a triumph and a series on Netflix about how cool she is or Stephanie would become the first person to escape to the mountains to then get so embarrassed that she needed to escape even further.

“Stephanie I’m just gonna say one thing: I like how you tick and I certainly like how you think. I’ll let you wrap up here and meet you there, alright?” He pronounced with a smile.

Wow again she thought to herself, he not only didn’t over indulge and invite me to his room he actually gave me some space and time to put some make up on. This guy is either good or he is god and only one “o” is going to make that difference. “Sure thing, see you there” she replied and started closing up the bar as he went off.

It was past midnight now and Banff was well asleep, even the wind was slumbering. Her plan was simple, close the bar, lock up the fridges then go to the hotel employee bathroom where, she had been told by one the female staff that the girls kept a “just in case” kit which should have everything a girl needs in an emergency like this. Stephanie was confident that she would find Gucci mascara, Dior eyeliners, a set of Victoria’s Secret lingerie – not too forthcoming but enough to make a bang – and of course the essential Channel Number 5. She opened it like the pit of a nuclear test site and was confronted by a “no means yes” red lipstick, an eyeliner gifted in some magazine and a six year old of pack of ribbed condoms. Hesitation didn’t stand a chance as the eyeliner was drier than death and the condoms had both expired a year ago and well, using ribbed in her mind was basically like saying “I’m gonna need all the help I can get” which was, luckily, the farthest from where she was. So she muttered “fcuk” then “great” and then picked up the lipstick as her contribution to one stand history. All this for this man she’d just met.

The longest walk ensued to the wine bar during which Stephanie successfully figured out everything about her life. Yes, it was all so simple, you see up until now everything was just a test to see if she could survive and endure it all, now was when real life actually starts. Now when she was destined to meet Davide. A man who like her was subconsciously seeking her out, sure she wasn’t bigfoot but she was definitely worthy of being called a mythical creature, so that is that. From now on everything was going to be about accomplishment, kids, a house and a summer house.

She arrived in 15 minutes and found him standing outside with a bottle in one hand two wine glasses in the other and his back leaning against the dark windows of the wine bar.

Only one thought was allowed into her mind as she saw him for the first time fully standing ‘now that is a body’.

He leaned forward after his eyes did and said “Great to see you”

“yeah, thanks, it’s closed” she replied.

“yeah when I got here a guy called Mario was locking up, said it was Monday and this is Banff” said David

“sounds about right” smiled Stephanie who was wondering if aliens could right about now come and abduct them both to their planet where they would subdue the two of them through some mating regime until they could breed the perfect human.

Davide jumped in “I tried to bribe him to stay open for another hour but no luck, I told him I met you and really wanted to get to know you better and … well I told him about you, in the end I thought I’d take a chance and buy a bottle … ”

They both smiled for 2 seconds, David continued “… and I got two great wine glasses cause good wine in the wrong glass is … unacceptable … anyway I thought I’d take the change to ask you to continue our evening somewhere … anywhere your place, my room …”

They both smiled again for 2 seconds, she looked upwards to the stars “… or even the hills out here, somewhere you know. I thought … if she says no at least I end up with a great bottle of red”

Stephanie knew she had to say something but she couldn’t stop feeling good about the fact that he had already spoken about her to other people, ‘he is already talking about me to people’ she kept telling herself. But what was to come next? Her house was out of the question cause a woman’s house is like the bat cave to Batman, Transylvania to Dracula and the Library of congress all rolled into one – there is only one way to get in and that’s with a one way ticket.

She walked closely to him, well in range of a kiss and paused. He didn’t, so she did the next best thing – while maintaining pornographic eye contact she slowly extended her hand to his waist and in her hands firmly grasped … the bottle to examine it.

“Chateau Gazin Pomerol 2011?” she whispered to this pirate who in the mountain night and summer breeze was nearly trembling in awe and emotion from her movements, “wow, this is a great wine you know?, way too great to let a whiskey man enjoy alone. – pause – ok David … let’s go to your room”

He laughed just to get out of the risk of a too early kiss or even worse some surprise erection and followed her lead as she smiled and turned away to walk back to the hotel.

‘why did he not take this chance to kiss me’ Stephanie pleaded to herself. ‘I was there, he was there, I had just told him I’d go to his room, I mean what does this guy need? An email from his boss? Com’on David, lips speak louder than eyes’

But for now that was fine as she knew that in reality so much progress had been made for the cause of love and in such little time. Stephanie knew she already deserved a medal or at least an honorary mention in the next romantic comedy to hit the screen. Now she had much bigger things to worry about like this high-risk long walk back to the room not to mention the imminent moment of truth to come – her denudation. That moment where every woman puts everything at risk, lights a fire in her hand, detonates the nuclear weapon in her brain and as Juno would say – transforms her physical body into a temple for fanatical and unpredictable religious practices.

‘Get your ass to his room before worrying about how it will get to Mars’ she boldly told herself and turned to follow Davide.

If sex is a crucifixion, and it is for the messiah inside all of us, then getting to the bedroom is the procession to Calvary. The short yet endless path through the holy city to where flesh is to be thrashed, sins forgiven and gods created. For Stephanie this was going to be here, through downtown Banff in the middle of the summer night.

Stephanie always believed that the way a man walks next to a woman is the most telling sign of his true feelings for her. All she could remember from “When Harry met Sally” was the walk scenes she would see and re-see over and over again, observing and interrupting each motion to see what it tells or tries to hide. Here she was walking with a man to a room.

She ensured that Davide was at least one metre ahead so she could look at his body from safety and while it seemed to work at first, slowly she noticed that he was not maintaining a stable speed. Perhaps he too wanted to check her out, as they say. They were competing for the view of each other.

‘Our first fight’ she smiled to herself, ‘game on, I’ll beat a pirate on a mountain any day’

“So tell me about bigfoot, I mean …” she started a fresh new conversation while discovering her competitive side and engaging in a prancing game. For ten seconds she would increase her speed and then miss a step in alternation. While keeping one eye and half a smile on him and other on his body when he was comfortably in front of her.

Davide laughed mechanically “it’s a thing, it’s a real thing. I mean I guess this has to do with who I am deep down, you see I don’t believe in anything except that believing in things is good. So I don’t believe in god but I want there to be a bigfoot … and a giant squid … and vampires too. Tell me when I’ve freaked you out enough”

“No no, please go on” – she was loving this so much. In her mind prancing in the Canadian Rockies whilst listening to a pirate she was planning to sleep with was talk about bigfoot was the epitome of her existence on this planet so far.

“you’re not making fun of me?” he asked

“Do you think I would make fun of a man holding a bottle of wine that was leading me to his hotel room?” she replied with indulging irony.

David didn’t know what she was doing but it was working like a witchcraft. The motility in her feet was driving him crazy and he want to it stop like an itch but couldn’t due to the fact that he was holding the wine and of course was still in the oat zone. Stephanie had defined oat zone as Only Accidentally Touching which she invented in a meeting once when a colleague of hers was trying to touch her using accidental trips and imaginary obstacles that would push his body briefly onto hers.

He went on “Well that it surely a logical explanation, but the fact that you’re still here is proof enough for me”

Feeling on top of everything she provoked with “maybe I’m just here for the wine”

“you’re not here for the wine” he said with a dry tone of conviction.

“I’m not? How do you know?”

“cause if you were you’d know enough about wine to know that this wine will need at least 5 hours to breath” he replied proudly.

“Whoa ! you know about wine now? I thought you were a whiskey man.” She had to snap back

“Do you wanna find out about bigfoot or do you want to talk about the wine we’re going to drink” he replied with calm.

She stopped herself and him, turned to him and put her hands on the sides of his shoulders. She looked at him straight and said “I want to hear so much about bigfoot that I’m seriously thinking of adopting one” and laughed. She did this for two main reasons firstly to steer clear from any confrontation but mainly to declare that touching is now officially an option.

‘when will he realise that we’ve left the oat zone?’ was now her question.

He laughed through retracting lips and said “I try to avoid absolute affirmations but can say something here to you?” he stopped and looked at her. She paused and gasped “sss- yeah”

“You are a special human being Stephanie from London … in several ways”

She wasn’t officially in love but the e-mail confirmation was by now surely in the server’s outbox. Should be in her inbox in a minute. She needed to hide this as much as possible but she couldn’t so instead she thought to transform it into something official. She looked at him again and simply said “That’s so nice, I really appreciate it.”

Smile from David.

Smile back and “Now tell me about bigfoot, com’on you’ve got less than 5 minutes, the hotel is on the next block”

He continues “well like I was saying I want to believe in things so I chose the things to believe in and I do it, I believe in them, bigfoot is one of my choices, that’s basically it”

Stephanie – “So you’ve never seen one or something it’s just a choice?”

“Yeah, I mean there is some science behind bigfoots that they are some primate that evolved on its own in high altitude environments around the world. It’s a highly plausible possibility, it’s not like unicorns or ..”

“Keep unicorns out this ok” she said with a childish seriousness

He laughed strongly “That’s so cute”

“No really I love unicorns and I won’t mess with your bigfoots if you don’t touch my unicorns” maintaining her tone to that of a concerned three year old girl at the zoo.

“ok ok hey that sounds fair to me” he went on “So that I mean I don’t so much about actually finding one cause if I did I may even contribute to their extinction, I don’t think society is capable of finding any hidden treasure and keeping it as such, we’d find it cage it and make an Instagram account for it. But the idea that it is there or … here in these mountains … is important to me, I need this idea I enjoy it, it makes me feel better” continued David.

Stephanie needed to touch him again so in her prance she skimmed her arm against his ‘wow, skin’ she thought to herself cautious only to not make him drop the wine. He glanced with surprise to her and their two smiles met once more. They were close to the hotel now and she knew it was time to start thinking about what was coming next. She put accidental touching aside for a moment to talk again.

“I like how you think David, I mean people generally should follow more of the dreams and beliefs, that’s why I came to Banff”

He joked in “to find bigfoot?” with a laugh.

“No I would never dream of steeling your glory” she joked back and went on “… I came to find … I don’t know what i came to find but I knew that it was missing and I knew that I would find it here”

“that’s deep” acclaimed David as they went through the side door of the lobby. The main revolving doors were switched off as it was one a.m. “That sounds like a bottle-of-wine conversation to me”

“Well that’s exactly what we have here isn’t it, what’s your floor?” she asked in front of the elevators. “6” he sparked and in they went … into that room called an elevator but for two people in their state leads straight down into the depths of hell.

Alone, a man with pirate eyes and a girl that escaped from London, in a confined room, with a bottle of French wine, both feeling the subtle upward thrust of the elevator which after the fourth floor can provoke a tingle in certain body parts and all around them … mirrors. They both fell into that devilish elevator trap of looking up in search of help to battle awkwardness instead they got … a ceiling mirror. The scripture was on their faces, blushing near their timid lips, they both knew that this was a love-test for them. Will they reach the sixth floor before they gasp out laughing and thus making a sexual confession unavoidable or not?

Ding, saved by the bell, they had made it.

David had taken a small room, not a suite, which Stephanie did notice. Of all the aspects of life Stephanie did not rank the concept of “enough money” as being number one in importance but she did firmly place it at number two, just after “more money”.

‘fine, he didn’t get the suite, so what? More money for all the gifts he is going to buy for me’ she told herself to shut up. But she did walk into the room to the tune of Material World sung by Madonna, original version of course cause well … it’s Madonna. She wanted to speed things up a bit it was already 1:30 and they hadn’t even kissed yet. They needed to kiss as soon as possible and with Victorian elegance.

David walked in and put the wine and glasses on the small coffee table. “Well here we are, there is a bathroom if you need there and a bed here … not if you need it I mean it’s just here as you can see … I better open the wine make yourself at home” he said clumsily.

‘He is funny’ she laughed inside and couldn’t restrain from saying “If I need the bed i can use it?” while laughing.

Davide laughed back and for now didn’t want to give too much breathing room to that chain of joking.

Stephanie placed her hand bag on the bed, this was her levee in case things flooded too soon. A woman in a hotel room with a man is better than a well-trained Mossad agent. She’ll put the condoms in the right place, order them as per favourite flavour, cork screw the wine, hide the man’s underwear, ensure he doesn’t steal hers and do the bed all in 10 minutes flat while the man hasn’t even found out how to unclip her bra.

She sat down and wanted some silence. It was time for him to go through his year 6 med-school advanced brain surgery exam … with no time to study. Easy, for the man that Stephanie was going to fall in love with. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table while watching him open the bottle and hopefully … set the perfect scene. David was walking around the room with the bottle.

“wow, this is luck!” proclaimed David with a whisper.

“what?”

“there is a cork screw in the room, they don’t always put them in the minibars”

‘A - Ha’ said Stephanie to herself ‘so, Mr pirate eyes, trying to find a corkscrew in hotel rooms is a common problem for you is it now? What am I, number 87? You just lost 10 points here brother and you haven’t even poured the wine ‘ she decreed.

“you do this often?” she bit while finishing her sentence in her mind with ‘if he doesn’t answer in 5 nanoseconds it means I caught him and then me, my cheap lipstick together with my bag and jogging underwear are out of here’

Luckily it was a false alarm as David did reply with sincerity and rapidly “well I travel a lot and I generally like good wine plus I like to work from my hotel room so I’ll often order dinner to my room, the common hotel room service guy will simply forget to bring the opener and I’ll have to call them back, in good hotels they remember or they have a corkscrew in the room”.

‘phew! you are back in the game, I really want you to win this, now I’m ready for you to score a touchdown on my 5 yard line’ She wanted to get physical.

Davide poured the wine and brought the glasses to the table, he set them down and began to sit but stopped half way. He bounced back up and looked around.

“What’s wrong” she said, ‘will you get with the program boy? Let’s get the wine on’ she thought.

He crossed his arms and scraped his chin while turning left and right observantly.

“the lighting is terrible in this room” pausing to think while turn eighteen times.

‘he’s thinking about how to make my working-girl body look like a Canova statue, I love this man’ thought Stephanie.

“Let me … prefect – verb if you allow – as much as I can” said David and set to the task of lighting. He tried multiple combinations of the infinite room light options. After five minutes of the cheapest lighting show in the history of light Stephanie was about to start biting her lips. “Hey, I think it’s ok David let’s try this wine” she commanded.

Blackout. Suddenly it was pitch dark as David had hit the master switch turning all the lights off.

‘What’s this?’ she squeaked inside when the bathroom light turned on giving the room the aura of a cloudy summer night with the last effect of dusk fighting to hold on. ‘perfect’ she thought as David emerged and finally sat down.

‘I made it through the wilderness, Somehow I made it through

Didn’t know how lost I was, until I found you’

Stephanie was now listening to “Like a Virgin”

He lifted his glass, closed his eyes and pushed his nose deep inside with fragile care taking a deep nose breathe.

“ahhhh this does smell great, it will be perfect in 6 to 7 hours but it’s great even now” said the pirate to his wine glass and his eyes came back into play. It was too dark outside while they were walking to see their full effect but now, here, in silence and under this perfect light it was open season on his eyes for Stephanie. She simply stopped controlling where she looked.

“Cheers” he said and lifted his glass to her.

“Cheers” she replied.

Crystals struck and their lips were wet at last. He took a second sip, swirled the glass and falling back into his chair smiling to her, he said “I’m going to ask your permission to give you a compliment right now, I have to, I need to, please let me tell you something that right now … I really need to say”

“I didn’t stop your bigfoot discourse how could I say no to this?” she said in the most bashful way. She did not want to stop him but at the same time didn’t what to give him full control at least not until they were horizontal.

“Well here goes, I … I think you’re beautiful”

Stephanie smiled with a “humph”

“no no … let me put it into perspective here for you” … takes another sip … Stephanie takes two … “This may sound strange but I have to tell all about it, hear me out, I was walking across the most majestic mountain range in the world the other day looking for my mythical being. I had shut the whole smoggy and high speed world out for the whole day. It was going to be about me and this dream, this myth, this thing I consciously choose to believe in. I was out there. Fully immersed and totally dedicated, nothing else was with me. At last I had achieved a life goal – to start a journey of discovery of something I believe in with all my heart. So there I was” … two sips for him and three for Stephanie who realised this wasn’t going to be another simple pick-up line … “So I’m going through a small forest patch and then I cross a river, and walk some more. I was loving every minute of this. So, I go on some more and then from atop a hill covered with wild flowers and the aroma of honey from a primordial habitat I saw not far away the outline of something standing” … he paused and looked at Stephanie. She was to overtaken by his nonstop narrative and his eyes that alternated focal point from glass to her and to her hair at times. Dazzled, she simply wanted to hear more. He paused for five seconds then said “… we need a wine break, our glasses are already empty, let me pour some more”

Stephanie showed relief with a shrugging shoulder movement and a deep smile “ha yeah I was so taken by your story I mean I can’t wait to hear about your bigfoot experience” she jokingly recessed from the captivating tension of the moment. David poured another third of the bottle into their wide slim necked glasses, took two sips and continued.

“so where was i? ah the first encounter. This figure I saw standing was drenched in the shadow of these ancient trembling aspens and was clearly a humanoid in my view. Even at that distance in the darkness of the forest shade I could tell it was no plant. I didn’t want to risk going closer at this point cause I was sure it hadn’t seen me while I had seen it, so I decided to stop and observe any intellectual should”

“and …?” asked Stephanie between three sips of the Pomerol which was choking much faster than it could breathe. Davide too was drinking.

“So I’m looking at what my heart was calling the being I’ve dreamt of finding all my life and what was it doing?”

“… what?” whispered Stephanie over the same uttering from Davide “what ? hehe there … you too ask what, I’ll tell you what, standing near a tree, standing and looking at the tree as if to see what the tree looked like … it … you were doing something with the tree … I can only guess you were comparing it to your body dimensions, at least that’s what I think” David said.

‘I’m going to cry’

Stephanie looked ready to cry

“don’t say anything yet at least, let me finish. What I saw you do, and I didn’t know who you are, was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen a person do on this planet so far in my life time”

Her eyes were ready to shed the first tear in her life that had this a mild temperature, neither cold from a tear of pain nor warm as tears from sorrow have. But she also wanted to laugh from joy as the cynical Stephanie knew that such a sight could be classified as simply silly.

David went on “I watched you for 10 full minutes Stephanie and I didn’t want to disturb the meditating state you were clearly in with nature, at some point you turned in my direction and I panicked. I started whistling in the other direction. I didn’t want you to think I was some mad man stalking women in the forest. So I left”

‘kill me now but only after making pure love to me please’ she begged inside but outside she had to find a practical solution to this emotional traffic jam.

She constructed a mild umfy laugh with lots of “he he” and said “wow, you saw me there? What a coincidence, I must have looked ridiculous”

“no … you looked and are … a myth” he whispered with full eye contact.

‘gulp’

“shhhh” he hushed.

David knew any hint or attempt at courtship in the conventional sense was now an option long gone for them. Their Titanic had made contact with the iceberg and there were no lifeboats for the last passengers. He proposed a toast again to her where crystals kissed this time and finished his wine as did she, he stood up and lowered his hands to her.

“give me your hands” he asked, she did and he pulled her up. Face to face he lifted their arms to the sky, Stephanie knew a kiss would be perfect right about now and David did deliver.

The lips had more to say than the eyes and what mattered most was also the more surprising, that this man knew the concept of acceleration. Taking every step with the right speed, not too slow to stop the flooding nor to fast to drown the princess.

Their union of lips lit chain fires and her bag went flying as he moved her body for her. His hair filled her fingers as his body filled her arms, both were playing the part they’d rehearsed for so many years. Now on centre stage. He was proving with heart, soul and above all his hands the existence of the mythical being he’d been seeking and known to be our Stephanie while she finally permitted full and total loss of control.

Who was this man? A pirate who has known me longer than I know him, a believer and a shy adventurer with taste for wine. Definitely not in the article she had read on that Lufthansa flight but … so very worth a book.

#banff #banffalberta #canada #mountains #love #short story #love story #romance #romance story #escape #pirate #creative #creative writing

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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30 Rock’s Best Running Jokes

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When 30 Rock drew its final breath in 2013, yards of column inches were devoted – deservedly so – to praising the work of creator Tina Fey. Article upon article applauded the characters, cast, performances and seven seasons of energetic, inventive, satirical comedy.

More than anything else though, 30 Rock was always about the gags. It was fruitcake-dense with jokes, regularly fitting in more quotable laughs before its opening credits than many shows manage in a full half-hour. As it returns for a one-off reunion special, join us in celebrating the many, many running gags of its seven-season history, from the fake movies, to the terrible yet incredibly catchy songs, Frank’s hats, and those godawful TGS sketches…

The fake movies

The presence of Tracy Jordan (a bonafide Martin Lawrence meets the Wayans Brothers-style movie star) in the TGS cast opened up the world of film parody to 30 Rock.

Admittedly Jenna Maloney also enjoyed a movie career of sorts, but while she was being offered the part of “any blonde actress” in torture porn flicks by the producers who watched and rented Saw, Tracy was turning down the lead in Garfield 3: Feline Groovy to pursue his serious acting career. The latter climaxed with the release of spot-on Precious parody Hard To Watch (Based on the novel Stone Cold Bummer by Manipulate), for which Tracy received the O in his EGOT plan. Sheer class.

Over the years though, who couldn’t not smile at Tracy’s blaxpoitation-filled back catalogue, from the timeless romance of A Blaffair to Rememblack, to Sherlock Homie, Who Dat Ninja?, The Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas, and last but by no means least, Honky Grandma Be Trippin’. The man is a chameleon (in that he’s always a lizard).

Two of Jenna’s TGS projects however, bring back the fondest memories of 30 Rock’s stinging movie satire: small-town legal drama The Rural Juror (based on a Kevin Grisham novel), and her GE-produced life rights-avoiding Janis Joplin biopic, Sing Them Blues White Girl: The Jackie Jormp Jomp Story.

The TGS sketches

The quality of TGS’ output was never under question in 30 Rock; the sketch show was unremittingly bad (when the absence of their star meant a ‘Best of TGS’ series had to be run in lieu of live shows, Legal objected to their use of the word ‘Best’, and when a review dubbed it the worst comedy ever made, Liz was thrilled they’d defined it as a comedy). Liz Lemon’s opus was a fluorescent collection of fart gags, dodgy caricatures, Jenna’s songs, and misjudged celebrity impressions.

Beginning life as, in Kenneth’s words, “a real fun ladies comedy show for ladies”, TGS was Saturday Night Live’s idiot brother, the unsophisticated thorn in NBC’s side, under constant threat of controversy and cancellation. Forced to synergise backward overflow, advertise parent company products and promote GE interests, 30 Rock’s show-within-a-show satirised both the TV industry and tired trends in comedy (the always hilarious combination of a fat woman who’s sexually confident! Old ladies are crazy! Farts!).

Lemon may have seduced pilot Carol (Matt Damon) with her Fart Doctor skits, but TGS failed to win many hearts. With sketches like Pam the Overly Confident Morbidly Obese Woman, Ching-Chong Man Who Loves to Play Ping-Pong, Fat Hillary Clinton, Bear vs. Killer Robots, Me Want Food, and Gaybraham Lincoln, why it wasn’t more successful is a mystery.

Astronaut Mike Dexter

Lemon may have ended up with James Marsden’s Criss Chros, but fictional boyfriend Astronaut Mike Dexter will always hold a special place in her heart. Handsomer than Dr Drew, less British than Wesley Snipes, less living-in-Cleveland than Floyd, and a million times better than Dennis Duffy, Astronaut Mike Dexter had it all… except of course, a corporeal self.

The fake songs

Over the years, Jenna Maroney’s singing career has vomited up some truly dreadful creations, and topping the list has to be Muffin Top (a big hit in the king-making music markets of Israel and Belgium). Seguing from its pop insanity chorus “My muffin top is all that, wholegrain, low-fat” into a Madonna-style spoken-word rap “I’m an independent lady, so please don’t try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free”, the song is a battery assault on the senses.

But is it worse than Jenna’s summer dance jam, Balls, which earned her the princely sum of $50 in royalties? Or her computer generated, generic benefit song in aid of an unspecific natural disaster, which urged viewers to donate to “help the people the thing that happened, happened to”? How about the Jackie Jormp Jomp performance she gave of Chunk Of My Lung, written by Jack five minutes before the show, containing the classic line “You know you’ve bought it if life makes you sweet food”? Or Fart So Loud, the un-Weird Al-able song she and Tracy wrote after he parodied the theme to Avery Jessup TV movie Kidnapped? Such riches…

It’s not only Jenna who’s provided 30 Rock’s musical intervals of course. Season three finale Kidney Now! welcomed an eclectic collection of stars including Sheryl Crow, Mary J Blige, Elvis Costello, Moby, two of the Beastie Boys, Wyclef Jean, and Cyndi Lauper to perform a We Are The World-style anthem at the Milton Green benefit gig. Angie Jordan famously released a fifteen-second single My Single Is Dropping, to ride on the wave of her reality-show fame, Frank and Pete’s Sound Mound came up with unforgettable rock anthem Weekend Woman, and in the very same episode, even Tina Fey got in on the action by providing excellent Joni Mitchell parody, Paints and Brushes.

The legacy award though, as in the 30 Rock fake song that will continue to bring joy to the hearts of fans decades from now, has to go to one song, and one song only: Tracy Jordan’s Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.

Frank’s hat slogans

Off-set, stand-up Judah Friedlander favours his ‘World Champion’ trucker hat, the one he claims to have been awarded as the winner of the World Championships of pretty much all sports, martial arts, and that time he karate kicked Chuck Norris’ beard off his face and forced him to legally change his name to Charles.

On-set as Frank Rossitano though, Friedlander wears a series of self-designed trucker hats, each bearing a different gnomic slogan. Often incongruous, sometimes suggestive, and always odd, Frank’s hat slogans are part of the bricks and mortar of 30 Rock. In terms of favourites, we’re quite fond of ‘Alabama Legsweep’, or the laconic enigma of ‘And’, though ‘Shark Cop’, ‘Half Centaur’ and ‘Space Gravy’ also caught our eye over the seasons.

Jenna’s Mickey Rourke sex stories

Like Dot Com’s intellectualism, this running gag may have been introduced late into proceedings, but Jenna’s torrid sexual history with putty-faced beefcake Mickey Rourke gave J-Mo some of her best lines. Jenna’s allusions to Rourke’s sexually deviant and murderous attempts on her life paint a fascinating picture for 30 Rock fans. Here are some of the finest:

“Your new vibe is a double-edged sword, much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with”, “Nice try Hazel, but you made the same mistake Mickey Rourke made on that catamaran. You didn’t kill me when you had the chance.”, “I’m going to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.” “Next time you’ll tell me Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign.” “You know what they say, if you can’t stand the heat, get off Mickey Rourke’s sex grill.” Wise words.

Kenneth the immortal page

To this day Kenneth Ellen Parcell remains something of an enigma to 30 Rock viewers. In later seasons, Jack McBrayer’s character went from being a simple country rube from Stone Mountain, Georgia to the flesh vessel for a mysterious immortal with no reflection, no age, and links to a world beyond our own.

Plenty of reference has been made to Kenneth’s ageless and supernatural state over the years, including the suggestion that not only is he unable to die, but he’s also an angel, sent to oversee the transition of souls from one world to the next.

The fake TV shows

It’s either a credit to the 30 Rock team or a condemnation of our times that Jack Donaghy’s hit reality viewer vote show, MILF Island, no longer feels like a parody. In generations to come, time will no doubt erode the boundaries between fact and fiction, and we 30 Rock fans will be telling our kids about the time we watched Deborah beat her competitors and claim MILF victory in the same breath as educating them about those people who ate kangaroo anuses for public approval.

MILF Island stands head and shoulders above the rest of 30 Rock’s fake TV shows (including TGS itself, lest we not forget), but that doesn’t mean that Gold Case, Los Amantes Clandestinos, Black Frasier, Homonym, or the inimitable Bitch Hunter deserve any less respect. Our fallen brothers, we salute you.

We could go on indefinitely listing the recurring jokes that made 30 Rock great, from Liz’s sandwich lust and desire to go to there, to Jack’s gloriously thatched head of hair and Republican conspiracies. As the show prepares to return, which of the above will live again?

30 Rock: A One-Time Special lands on NBC on Thursday July 16th at 8pm in the US.

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samsegrist · 5 years ago

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Bob & Sam Part 1: The History of Rock n’ Roll and the Gift of Awkwardness

The mid-’90s were a weird, but maybe perfect, time for an awkward nerd growing up in rural Nebraska to get into rock n’ roll. By that point, the genre of rock was over forty years old. The ‘90s saw the rise of hip-hop, electronica, rap-rock/nu-metal, third-wave ska, and the swing revival vying for the youngster’s ears and eyeballs. The World Wide Web was in its infancy and MTV still played music videos regularly.

Once I had my epiphanic experience in the summer between seventh and eighth grade (of which I’ll write about in Part Two of this series), I knew I had some catching up to do if I were to be more than proficient in my domain. Besides subscribing to Guitar World and raiding my father’s vast record collection, the number one way I dove into rock n’ roll history was by buying dozens and dozens and hundreds of compact discs at On Cue, the solitary corporate retailer of multimedia for the entire panhandle of Nebraska. It was one of several chain stores such as Sam Goody, Sun Coast, and Tower Records that have as much cultural presence in 2020 as the works of Ozymandias. How strange it is to think that there were once publicly-traded corporations who bolstered their quarterly earnings reports through the physical sales of expensive shiny, plastic discs in thin, plastic squares. I was such a regular at On Cue in those formative years of adolescence, that the manager--her name was Traci--knew me by name before I hit high school. She could always count on me for a sale. At that time, she seemed quite grown-up and worldly, but in reality, she was probably a world-weary 22-year-old who had not yet found a way to escape the stultifying ruralopolis of western Nebraska. Where is Traci now? She and I both share a certain kind of workplace history. I was once a Blockbuster Customer Service Representative, so she and I are both former employees of defunct business models that seemed fun, hip, and cool at the time. On Cue and Blockbuster were the two primary ways people in our hometown acquired movies and music. Traci must be closer to fifty than forty now. Though I am sure she and I conversed back then about what music she liked, my memory jar containing those conversations is as bare as the “lone and level sands [that] stretch far away.”

Anyhow, one day back in 1996, my mom and I were shopping at On Cue, and I saw a ten-part VHS documentary set called The History of Rock n’ Roll. This blue cinder block of tapes looked just like what I needed to get caught up on forty years of music. I believe the original retail price was something like $120, which adjusted for inflation today would cost $196.09, almost twenty dollars a tape! No wonder those giant companies were raking it in before being slayed by Napster, iTunes, Netflix, and YouTube. I remember my mom haggling with Traci to see about getting a lower price, but there was nothing she could do. (Thank you, Mom, for still purchasing the set and contributing to my development as a musician!) I enthusiastically watched every tape in the series and took feverish notes of every artist and song that I should check out, and perhaps learn to play on the guitar. This was my introduction to singers and groups like Fats Domino, The Kinks, Buddy Holly, Marianne Faithful, Credence Clearwater Revival, the Clash, and the Sex Pistols. There was one musician though, a famous one, that I wasn’t so sure about. This folkie guy, Bob Dylan, his stuff didn’t rock. His attitude on camera didn’t seem particularly rock star-ish, even though I totally see NOW there is such a breezy cool to his aloofness. And that voice was so strange and off-putting. But as the tape rolled on, there was a B & W clip of him playing a bluesy tune with some really square rhymes: “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding).” And it struck me with a strange kind of logic that only appeals to a young, insecure soul. See, when I started out on my guitar-playing journey, I wanted to be Slash. I wasn’t anywhere close to being Slash. For one thing, I didn’t have the top hat. I didn’t have the hair. Or the Gibson Les Paul. Or the Marshall JCM Slash Signature 2555SL 2-Channel 100-Watt Guitar Amp. Oh, and I also couldn’t play four chords with the same strumming pattern twice in a row… ...but when I heard this Bob Dylan guy, who was somehow, inexplicably, included on this $120 ten-tape documentary series with all these other musicians who seem to have the talent, presence, and sound of being rock stars, something clicked in my mind. I thought: “Huh. Well, that guy’s voice isn’t that pretty, but he sounds clever and he’s playing solo. Maybe I can play solo and sing until I get a band together.” So, that’s what I did. And at the 1996 Haig Country School Talent Show, I performed as a singer-songwriter for the first time ever. I even gave a shout out to Bob before I proceeded to dazzle the audience with the brilliance of searing slides on my Stratocaster(-copy) guitar and tickle their brains with peculiar lyrical puzzles. See for yourself. Uh, yeah, so....every musical journey has to start somewhere, right? And history was made that day, and I owe it all to Mr. Robert Zimmerman for blazing the trail of rock n’ roll awkwardness.

I’m still catching up. The next installment of this occasional series of essays concerning the enigmatic and ethereal influence of Bob Dylan on my quarter-century musical journey will focus on the success and popularity of other artists covering his songs. That forthcoming installment is tentatively titled “The Dylan-esque Quality of Elasticity.” Thank you for reading.

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mrs-i-have-too-many-biases · 6 years ago

Text

Bts’ reaction to them realising they are in love

Scenario: They realise they are in love with their s/o.

Genre: fluff

Pairing: Reader X BTS members

Jin:

You were cooking dinner for him and you as you two were having a night alone at his apartment. Jin was busy cleaning up the mess you made, after you had a food fight earlier with the popcorn you had. Jin walked into the room and saw you running up and down the kitchen to make sure everything was perfect.

Jin leaned against the door frame and stared at you for a while, thinking about how he'd want to spend the rest of his life with you. Waking up next to you, cooking together with you and just have you for him all for his own for the rest of his life. He wanted to love you forever. He walked up to you hugging your waist from behind.

"You know I love you right?" He whispered making you drop your spoon your were cooking with in surprise. "R-really?" You asked surprised.

"Yes, I love you so much. I just can't explain how much. That's how much I love you. And I promise you, one day I'll make you mine forever. That's a promise." He says kissing your forehead. "I love you too Jin." You replied whilst hugging him.

Yoongi:

Yoongi was having a rough time, he was pressured by his manager to compose 4 songs in 2 days. Which was very hard, because Yoongi usually makes songs when he's inspired. But he wasn't right now.

He had no idea for a song.

He did had some melodies but they didn't work out for him. You walked into the music room you made in your house, your boyfriend was sitting behind the large piano with papers surrounding him. "Yoongi?" You ask your boyfriend as you saw him with a exhausted expression on his face and frustratingly pushing the piano tiles. "Yoongi." You say to him once again.

He didn't listen to you and kept doing his thing, but now looking even more frustrated than he already did. You walked towards him and hugged him from behind, making him relax immediately. He stopped his actions and rested his head against your chest as your arms were still around him.

"Go to bed babe, you can finish this tomorrow." You whispered to him kissing his hair, he nodded his hair before he stood up, kissed your head, and went straight to your shared bedroom. "You're coming baby?" He yelled from the other room.

"I'm coming!" You yell as you looked through the paper with lyrics written all over them and unfinished melodies. You took a seat behind your piano and started to drabble away some lyrics with the unfinished melodies your boyfriend had created.

The next morning your boyfriend woke up a little later than he wanted to, it was 2PM and he didn't had a song. "Y/N! I HAVE A PROMBLEM! THIS IS SO BAD!" Your boyfriend yells as he paced down back and fort. "Y/N! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE END OF ME! THEY WOULD BE SO DISSPOINTED IN ME I-" He yells paniced.

"Yoongi?" "What?" He snaps, looking at you angered and lost. "Maybe this would help, I don't know?" You say unsure, giving him the papers.

"What's this?" He asks surprised and unsure. "Your song." "What?" "I finished your song, I knew you had a hard time composing it so, I drabbled some away yesterday. But it's probably bad so-" "No, no it's not at all." He says whilst looking at it. "I-it isn't?" "No! This is amazing! I love you so much my little saviour!" He mutters against your lips.

"You love me?"

"I do."

Hoseok:

You and your boyfriend are both professional dancers. You had your own dance studio in Gwangju, that's were you met. Hoseok would go to your studios to practice his dancing. Ever since you saw him there you knew he had talent, and also that he had something in his smile that could made you melt in any second.

And now that you were dating for over a year, and still going strong, your own dance company got very successful and you got your dance studios all around the country. And you, yourself were a great choreographer. Right now, you were helping your boyfriend with some choreography he and the rest of BTS have to learn for their newest song. It's some challenging choreography but you and Hoseok love a little bit of a challenge.

Well, until you get frustrated of it. Well, not you exactly, but your boyfriend.

He danced almost everything perfectly except that one part where the both of you struggled with.

"UGH! I CAN'T DO THIS! THIS IS USELESS!" Your boyfriend yells as he let himself fall onto the floor. "C'mon Hobie, you can do this. Don't give up this easily! Did you gave up on us when we had a fight? No. Did you gave up on me when I played hard to get? No. Did you gave up to be here where you are today? No! Now get your ass up and come dance with me. If we got through the rest together we can to this!" Hoseok has seemed to be cheered up by your pep talk because he jumped up and kissed you quickly cupping your cheeks in his hands.

"I love you." "I-I love you too." You whispered happily.

"Let's do this together?"

"Together."

Namjoon:

He was busy in the studios, practicing and rehearsing everything for their upcoming shows. You on the other hand was at home alone doing absolutely nothing. You were pretty bored so you decided to blast some music and enjoy yourself by dancing along to the songs. You were enjoying yourself so much that you didn't noticed your boyfriend had walked in. You were currently dancing and rapping along to Joonie's part in Ddaeng. He saw you dancing their choreography almost perfectly and he loved how much you loved their music. He knew how much you loved everyone of BTS.

That always has been a spot of you Namjoon had a weakness for. He loved how you would fangirl at them, he loved how you'd throw a pillow at him whenever you'd be bored. He loves how you would stay up late to wait for him to come home. He realized: he loves you, for everything you do. He ran up to you and pulled you into his arms as you still danced.

He danced along with you as soon as you relaxed from the scare your boyfriend gave you. "I love you so much you little weirdo." He mutters whilst he pressed soft little kisses all over your face.

Jimin:

Jimin had been acting odd lately. He has been eating less and he was gone more often. First you had the feeling he was cheating on you, but you quickly got that thought out of your head, knowing he wouldn't do that to you. There was something else, one day when you were cuddling and your arms were around his waist you noticed the sudden abs. "Since when do you have abs again." You asked him in surprise. "You like them?" He asks with a smirk.

"They're okay." You mumbled to him putting your head back on his shoulder.

What you didn't noticed that day is that he though there weren't good enough so he trained harder and harder to impress you. After some time, he started to starve himself.

"Jimin, you got to eat." You say to him worryingly. "But than you won't love me." He whispered, not thinking you'd have heard. "What?" "You won't love a fat pig like me." He said louder.

"Where the hell did that come from? And who told you that?"

"ARMY." He mutterd.

"No, no, no. Those aren't your fans those people are jealous. The real fans love you for who you are. Is this why you got these chocolate abs?" "Yes, they told me I wasn't good enough and that I was a pig and, and-" He started but he couldn't finish as he choked on his tears.

"You aren't fat. I love you for you. I fell in love with this idiot who loved to have eating contest with me and have midnight adventures. I love you for being there for me. And you know I'll be there for you whenever you need me. And this is one of those." Jimin looked at you in surprise as you told them. "I love you too." He kissed your hair lovingly taking you in his arms, blessed that he could call you his.

Taehyung:

BTS was having a reunion together and everyone of their families were invited too! You were Tae's girlfriend and you had never met his family, so this was a big step in your relationship. When they were right in front of you, you suddenly got very nervous and shy. You greeted them respectfully and they smiled at you. "Why are you so shy? We don't bite." His mother says friendly noticing you were nervous.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She gave you a hug before she went talking with her son, leaving you alone with his nephews. They asked you to play with them and you gladly accepted their offer. As you were gone to play with Tae's nephews, your boyfriend started to question where his girlfriend was.

"Dad? Has you seen y/n?" "She's there playing with the boys." His father says making Tae look at him surprised at his answer. He looked at you having a good time with the little ones, not caring that you didn't got your boyfriend's attention. You knew how much his family means to him, so you let him be. Tae couldn't keep his mind by the conversation his parents were having with him. He was staring at you how good you were with kids, he just couldn't wait to have his own with you. "Tae?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"Don't worry she's a keeper." His dad says smiling proudly at his son.

"Good, because I love her too much to let her go."

Jungkook:

Jungkook was with you and the rest of BTS at studios. You were a good friend of Yoongi and he introduced you to the rest. Ever since you and Jungkook has met, he has been feeling weird around you. He has gotten a feeling he has never felt around any girl.

You made him feel some kind of way, and he just couldn't figure out what it was. Hobie was recording his video's for 'Hope on the street' and he asked you to be in them. Of course you agreed, you loved dancing! You also loved singing and dancing, you also loved material art, something you also had in common with Jungkook.

When you and Hobie were dancing to Chris Brown's 'Fine by me', Jungkook was staring at you, every move you made, would his eyes follow you. He started at you constantly.

He was trying to figure out what you were doing to him. Because every time you'd walk by, he'd get nervous and shy, he even stuttered when you asked him how late it was! He thought he was going total nuts! At least that's what he though, but what he actually was is that he's in love with you.

He couldn't get you out of his head, you'd always be something he would question to the others.

'Where's y/n?' 'Is y/n coming?' 'I miss her.' And as he kept staring at you while you danced he tried to figure out, how to get you to be his girlfriend.

Gifs aren't mine.

#bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts #bts reactions #bangtan #min yoongi #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #kim seokjin #jeon jungkook #jung hoseok #park jimin #kpop fluff #kpop imagines #kpop reactions #kpop scenarios #bts fluff #bts oneshots

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bo0zey · 5 years ago

Note

Pick your favorite questions from the list.

i will do them all for u 0.o

1. Name cianna [see-ah-nah]

2. Nationality mexican irish german romanian hungarian french

3. Age 20

4. Birthday december 17, 1999

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries

6. Gender female

7. Sexuality uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) /tagged/my-face or u could just google pictures of fat rats

9. What do you/did you study? I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :) My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian

11. Your birth order i’m the oldest!

12. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers

13. Do you have good relations with your family? my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol

14. How many friends do you have? errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??

15. Your relationship status single :D

16. What do you look for in a SO? funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person???

17. Do you have a crush? currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D

18. When did you have your first kiss? i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd

20. What are your deal breakers? errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant

21. How was your day? ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein

22. Favourite food & drink deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water

23. What position do you sleep in? i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow

24. What was your last dream about? ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon

25. Your fears not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3

26. Your dreams i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own

27. Your goals survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat

28. Any pets? i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc

29. What are your hobbies? writing stories about people in love, listening to music

30. Any cool places in your area? in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess

31. What was your last awkward situation? the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

32. What is your last regret? errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......

33. Language/s you can speak English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk

35. Have any quirks? ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing

36. Your pet peeves err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit

37. Ideal vacation somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol

38. Any scars? yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!

39. What does your last text message say? ‘ok thats a more than fair statement’

40. Last 5 things from your search history how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome

41. What's your [device] background? lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals

42. What do you daydream about? the characters in my stories.................and being skinny

43. Describe your dream home pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business

45. Your personality type entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better

46. The most dangerous thing you've done uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that

47. Are you happy with your current life? its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night

48. Some things you've tried in your life alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings

50. Favourite colour to wear? black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk

51. How would you describe your style? oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care

52. Are you happy with your current looks? no i hate everything about myself lol

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair

54. Any tattoos or piercings? my nose and septum are pierced!

55. Do you get complimented often? kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk

56. Favourite aesthetic? i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!!

57. A popular trend that you dislike nobody has a crush on me and i hate it

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with? pied piper by BTS

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like. anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020

60. Favourite genre? rap/r n b/alternative

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,

62. Hated popular songs/artists? i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 only - RY X i.f.l.y. - Bazzi novacane - frank ocean jungle - drake bang! - trippie redd

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? no and no

65. Do you like karaoke? no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone

66. Own any albums? haha noooo i got apple music son

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho

68. Favourite movie/series? idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books

70. Your fictional crush/es danny phantom, ken kaneki

71. Which fictional character is you? uhhhh idk...

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf

73. Favourite greek god? idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades

74. A legend from where you live that you like i don't really know any:(

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist? i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool

76. Can you share your other social media? ig: ciannnna venmo: ciannnna

77. Favourite youtubers? i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain

78. Favourite platform? twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much time

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite? i once played GTA5 that was fun!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall

82. Do you play board/card games? no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? nopee

84. Favourite holiday halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts

85. Are you into dramas? i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? um YES.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? vampire duh [or maybe ghost]

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? i want to see my mom

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? idk probably kylie jenner

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo idk the alien? 94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true -im very productive with my time management skills -my favorite color is purple -i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public

95. Cold or hot? cold

96. Be a hero or be a villain? anti-hero

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal

100. ..... or .....? ......?

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starryace · 6 years ago

Text

my personal introduction to vav

so i have a few friends who’ve been wanting to get into vav but dunno where to start so... i’ll just do this lil thing. obviously there’s gonna be my own opinions so don’t take everything i say to heart but like... here we go

vav (very awesome voice -- pronounced vee-ay-vee but i say vav bc im lazy) debuted in 2015, but when they debuted they had a different lineup. zehan, xiao, and gyeoul all left to pursue other activities. ziu, lou, and ayno joined the group in 2017! the fandom is called vampz because of the groups original concept but we don’t talk about that

* = pre-line up switch! | ** = without jacob (due to his participation in a chinese program)

more about the members under the cut!

st van (lee geumhyuk)

note: during updating i ended up having to redo this entire section bc my computer deleted it all... sigh.

everyone’s dad

kinda gives off party vibes, like a cool club dad, you know?

super duper soft :(( he laughs at everything and he loves gentle things and he may be the oldest but he’s babie

gets really embarrassed really easily and blushes and laughs it off

oh! he also laughs with like... his entire body ekhrbgj

tattoos! on his shoulder and right arm

full sleeve completed

self composed the track “im sorry” off of the thrilla killa album

he lived in china for 13+ years and can speak fluent (if not, almost fluent) chinese

he’s super good cook and he wanted to be a chef before becoming an idol

loves jacob :(( with all his heart

weird but he can drink a lot of water really quickly, that’s his special talent

got a dog with the group! her name is cash and she’s super cute

im sure there’s more but i got mad after my computer deleted everything so i’ll get back to updating this part when things dawn on me

baron (choi chunghyeop)

dancer extraordinaire! he actually used to be in a dance team before vav

smiley boy ;;;; literally he has the prettiest smile and the nicest teeth

he can play the piano and a lil guitar im p sure!

he’s honestly a lil shit but we love him anyway

he’s very mom like, and loves taking care of the members, but i spy with my lil eye someone a lil more mom-like but that comes later

he choreographed a cover of shape of you!

unfortunately, his mom passed away early this year (may she rest in peace).

his nickname is baby prince (from his mom) and it was because of his mom that he was able to become and idol

baron singing??? yes,,, yeS!! his voice is godsent istg

he loves loves loves music and dance

wont shut up about millennium dance studio

was the pizza delivery boy in minx’s why did you come to my home

has a very intensive skin care routine

he!! loves!! food!! constantly nomming

ace (jang wooyoung)

remember how i said how i thought there was someone more mom like? meet ace.

literally babies everyone

eSPECIALLY ayno + ziu (sometimes lou, when lou will let him)

sassy, diva, can also be a lil shit -- esp with baron... 92 line is just lil shit line

lil fucking tease, too--

he has an oral fixation-- licks his lips a lot no bueno for me

teal hair? god tier. senorita? also god tier. everything about him? god tier.

plays the guitar... see senorita

“you’re doing wonderful sweetie” but like... a living version of that

abs... abs for days..........

works out with jacob

dimples!! but it’s more prominent on the right cheek.

god he’s??? literally ethereal. like i can’t put into words how pretty he is

he ;;;; has the purest, most sweetest heart

they need to start letting ace have more lines bc omg his voice ;;;;;

really good with kids ;;;;; they love him

he’s a BIG flirt, it’s like when he opens his mouth the only thing he thinks to do is say “i love you” or “you’re mine” or smthn

Prince Wooyoung™

ayno (noh yoonho)

was on no.mercy -- still kinda keeps in contact with monsta x now (hims was lil babie minhyuk)

yknow how baron is dancer? so is ayno -- aYNO IS GOD TIER DANCER ok he ;;;;; ugh he’s literally so talented

he raps too! also god tier

hims a soundcloud rapper -- dropped zero coke (mixtape) and god that boy is talented

self composed their song touch you (aka one of my fave vav songs)

ace’s baby... really, he’s vav’s baby, but still

fake maknae to the max. it still baffles me that he’s older than the others ima list

hims also pretty shy, but it’s real cute ;;;;

lou has such a big fat crush on him and he’s always embarrassed by it

he zones out a lot and is very mellow & quiet until something inside him switches and then he’s like BAM loud and crackhead

ziu.... brings out... the crackhead in him lbr

former happyface ent trainee w/ ziu

puppy!

also really good with kids!! prolly bc he is a big kid himself erhbjeg

often writes his own raps for songs

jacob (zhang peng)

resting bitch face to the max

800% done with everyone’s shit

chinese member!

he was performing in a chinese show called all for one -- his team got eliminated (sad) but that means he’ll be returning to the group (happy!)

that’s why he wasn’t in so in love/thrilla killa/im sorry

hims loves his st van

he also eats... a lot.

ok but like... he works out with ace, right? boy has such chiseled and nicely defined abs, it pains me

he’s a happy lil sunshine boy

savage as fuck

his smile literally adds 5 years to your lifespan

all of the members miss him so much ;;;; its honestly super wholesome and every once in a while they’ll be like “omg cobi would love this” or “jacob....... we miss you”

but then you have shithead lou being like “i mean... its nice having the room to myself” wrehbjehg

he dance too! idk what type of dancing it is but he does it!!!

he was in the chinese movie “the dreamer on the catwalk”

BRING HIM BACK ATEAM PLS I MISS HIMS

HE HAS RETURNED AND HE’S STRONGER THAN EVER

lou (kim hosung)

my #1, my one and only, my precious sweetheart

tall as fUCK

has a deep ass motherfucking voice

grew up in georgia as a kid (can speak fluent english) and then the philippines when he was a teen!

kinda the more quiet & reserved member

but dont let that fool you......

he too is a lil shit

AND A CHAOTIC GAY -- ziu bothers him a lot but he has a big ol’ crush on ayno and he never shuts up about how pretty he is and how much he loves him

he can be a grouchy lil bitch too tho hkerbjeg

in this interview baron and st van were being cute and he’s just in the corner like “youuuu shouuuld daaaate” -- gay. in the same interview thats one instance where he wouldn’t shut up about ayno

hims a rapper too!! he often writes his own raps for songs (much like ayno)

his own mixtape (goodnight) literally is so nice i listen to it all the time

he has a vlive thing he does called lou-dio and it’s real cute

big ears = the cutest thing ever ehkrbgjeh

he collects a bunch of stuff!! like pop figures and toys, like souvenirs from everywhere they go

he was in the youtube webdrama “lemon car video” (eps 1, 3, 7, and 8)

his stage name is lou (pronounced “low” but i refuse to say that) because his voice is so low

ziu (park heejun)

chaotic. just chaotic. chaotic gay, chaotic maknae, chaotic man.

he’s the real maknae tho... doesn’t look it, huh?

manly af

literally so charismatic and funny as hell

wants kisses + love + attention from everyone

goes in for a kiss -- everyone else usually backs away but he’s always disappointed that no one gives into him

kisses kisses kisses

did i mention kisses?

he makes a lot of random ass noises all the time

screm... lots of screm. like you know opossums?? think that kinda screm.

his vocals ;;;;; his singing voice is so, so nice ;;; i adore it.

his room is dirty af i could NEVER

he does some really questionable things sometimes... see here.

like i said, i cannot express this enough... he’s so charismatic. so charming. so handsome.

also!! super hyper fluff ball. hims cute.

aegyo up the wazoo too

former happyface ent trainee with ayno

was in the fri.sat.sun teasers by dalshabet

can get p loud & annoying but that doesnt change how much we love him

idk if any of that made sense... but there you go! there’s so much more to vav and everything they do and who they are, so i hope this just kinda gets more people to look into them? it’s a stepping stone, not everything possible to learn.

+ keep in mind, a lot of this stuff comes from both kprofiles, what i’ve seen in videos, and my own personal opinions & inputs. so... yeah. don’t use what i say as truth/fact unless you see stuff to back it up (or you adopt it as your own opinion idk).

thank you for taking your time to read this!!

#vav #*intro #god what do i even tag all of this #idk #n e ways!!!#lmk what you think #also im not 100% well versed with vav #im kinda a newer stan #but i also did a ton of research #and they're like my 2nd/3rd ults now idek

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grimelords · 6 years ago

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My March playlist is finished! This one is slightly more diverse than usual, swinging all the way from vibraphone jazz to Bhad Bhabie to black metal so I’ve taken the liberty of actually sequencing it properly for you. So if you’ve got 3 hours you can listen to this straight through and be taken for a hell of a ride. No matter what you like I’m sure you’ll find something in here that you love.

Tahiti - Milt Jackson: For an unknown reason I had a big jazz vibraphone phase this month and when you're talking jazz vibraphone you're talking the Wizard Of The Vibes himself, Milt Jackson. I feel insane even having an opinion on this but it's a shame that some of the best vibraphone performances were made at a time when the actual recording technology wasn't really there, they all have this very thin quality that I think misses a lot of the great character of the instrument.

Detour - Bill Le Sage: Like compare this from 1971 to Wizard Of The Vibes from 1952, the sounds is miles warmer and gives so much more of the full range and detail of the instrument. I also listened to this song five times in a row when I first heard it, the central refrain is just so fuckin good. Like I said, big vibes vibe and who knows why.

Blowin' The Blues Away - Buddy Rich And His Sextet: Superhuman playing aside, it's unbelievable how good these drums sound. The whole first minute just feels like a tour of each specific drum and I absolutely revel in it. I feel like flute and vibes is a relatively rare combo so it's extremely nice to hear Sam Most and Mike Manieri go ham in tandem.

Yama Yama - Yamasuki Singers: A friend sent me this song that he's had stuck in his head for ten years ever since it was in a beer ad from the days when beer ads were incredible strange for complicated legal reasons about not showing people enjoying the product or something https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORfkh0OojxY and this incredible song is apparently from a 1971 French concept album where a couple of guys wrote a bunch of psychedelic songs in Japanese for an unknown reason that later became a massive drum and bass breaks album, and one of the guys was Thomas Bangalter from Daft Punk's dad! Music is crazy.

Alfonso Muskedunder - Todd Terje: I'm starting a petition to get Todd Terje to write the soundtrack for the next Mario Kart. I absolutely love this song and this whole album because it's so joyful and strange and it just sounds like nothing else I've ever heard. He seem to truly operate in a world entirely of his own.

Pala - Roland Tings: I love this song. It's like he wrote it with normal sounds and then went back and replaced every instrument with the party version. This song hands you a coconut and says welcome to the island where bad vibes are punishable by firing squad.

Keygen 13 - Haze Edit - Dubmood: There's a fucking album of keygen music on spotify and it's absolutely great and so good that someone's doing the work to recognize the value of the music this extremely weird scene produced and preserve it. If you don't know, back in the day when you pirated photoshop or whatever, you would download a license key generator which was a program made by extreme nerds who had cracked the license key algorithm to give you a fake one, and for unknown reasons they would make the keygen program play original chiptune music that someone in their nerd crew would compose. Who knows why but god bless them.

My Moon My Man (Boys Noize Remix) - Feist: The very concept of a Boys Noize remix of My Moon My Man is hilarious and it turns out it sounds absolutely amazing as well. Two great tastes that taste great together.

Low Blows - Meg Mac: I had a big Meg Mac phase this month too, listened to her album a lot and it's extremely solid. Great timing too cause her new one comes out in a month or so too. I really am excited to hear her next album because she's so good but I've always got this feeling that she hasn't reached her full potential yet, she's only going to get a million times better in an album or two.

Patience - Tame Impala: I love that the cover of this single is a pic of congas because it feels like that's the central thesis here. Kevin Parker bought some congas and is making disco Tame Impala now and I really couldn't be happier about it.

Unconditional (feat. Kitten) - Touch Sensitive: I love a 90s throwback done with love. There's nothing cynical or ironic about this it's just fun as hell!

Last Hurrah - Bebe Rexha: Get a fucking load of this Bebe Rexha song that interpolates Buy U A Drank by T-Pain for the chorus! It's a testament to how good that song is that she's using the verse melody as the chorus. T-Pain will quite literally never get the respect he deserves. Also this song goes for 2.5 minutes. There's something happening where pop songwriting is getting more and more compact, completely trimming the fat and ornamentation and it's very interesting.

Hi Bich - Bad Bhabie: Also I'm fully six months late on Hi Bich but I'm of the opinion that it's extremely fucking good. A perfect little reaction gif of a song and it only goes for 1m45!

Friends - Flume: I'm doubling down on my thesis about emo rap from last month but this song literally sounds like a Flume remix of a Hawthorne Heights song. The whole melody of it, the overlapping yelled/clean vocals. The lyrics obviously. I don't know it's just very odd how close it is. A sort of emo trojan horse to trick people into thinking The Used are cool again.

How To Build A Relationship (feat. JPEGMAFIA) - Flume: I've been meaning to check out JPEGMAFIA (AKA Buttermilk Jesus AKA DJ Half-Court Violation AKA Lil' World Cup) for a while but this is the song that convinced me. There's just so much to digest in this. Every line is gold and delivered with massive conviction even when he realises it's total nonsense like 'dont call me unless I gave you my number'.

Bells & Circles (feat. Iggy Pop) - Underworld: Underworld alive 2019?? I love this song becuase Iggy Pop has been riding a fine line between punk provocateur and old man yells at cloud for a while now and this song is the perfect mix of both. You can't hijack airplanes and redirect them to cuba anymore and as a result it's over for liberal democracies. Just yelling about air travel for six minutes and it's good.

Guns Blazing (Drums Of Death Pt. 1) - UNKLE: This beat is some of my favourite DJ Shadow work I think. The menacing organ bass throughout, and especially the distorted drum freakout near the end. It's just great all the way through.

Homo Deus IV - Deantoni Parks: Another Deantoni Parks track like I was raving about last month. This whole album is great and flows together as a single piece of work amazingly. I love the purposefully limited sample palette of each track forcing an evolving groove throughout. He absolutely wrings every bit of variation he can get out of every single sound he uses and once you get into the groove of it it's absolutely mind blowing.

Boredom - The Drones: I love that The Drones can write a song about joining ISIS that's also a lot of fun. Spelling out radicalization in a way anyone can understand and sympathise with and then switching it in the second verse to spell out how we got into this situation anyway.

Loinclothing - Hunters And Collectors: I love how much this song sounds like a voodoo celebration in christian hell.

The Fun Machine Took A Shit And Died - Queens Of The Stone Age: There's a good bit on the live dvd they put out after Lullabies To Paralyze where they play this song and they say it was supposed to be on the album but somebody stole the master recordings from the studio, which is an incredible and brazen crime. Then when they put it out on Era Vulgaris as a bonus track Josh Homme said in an interview "The tapes got lost. Actually, they were just at another studio, but we falsely accused everyone in the world of theft" which is extremely funny. This is really one of their best songs and I sort of really with it had been on Lullabies because it fits perfectly between The Blood Is Love and Someone's In The Wolf type of vibes, I love how it just kind of keeps shifting ideas and riffs throughout. An absolute jam overflowing with ideas.

10AM Automatic - The Black Keys: This song is an all time great in my opinion. It's so straightforward and so effective. I wonder if we'll get a blues rock revival ever or if Jack White still being alive and bad is souring everyone on that idea. This song also has one of my favourite guitar sounds in history I think - the outrageously huge sounding solo that comes out of nowhere and swallows up the rest of the mix like a swirling black hole near the end.

Gamma Knife - King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard: I've never gotten much into King Gizzard and because of their one million albums already it's hard to know where to start but I've been listening to Nonagon Infinity a bit and it's great, it's just good old fashioned 70s prog jams front to back.

Gina Works At Hearts - DZ Deathrays: I absolutely love this song and I absolutely love the second guitar sound in the chorus of this song that sounds like it's made out of thin steel.

Black Brick - Deafheaven: When I saw Deafheaven the other month I was right up the front and it was a life changingly great experience AND they played this new song live for the first time before it went up everywhere like three hours later which was very exciting to be given a sclusie like that. After they finished a guy behind me whispered to his friend "Slayer..." which was very funny to me.

Gemini - Elder: I found this band because one of my Spotify Daily Mixes was all stoner metal for a while, which is a good genre to see all lined up because it'll have Weedeater, Bongripper AND Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats right there in a row for you. Anyway this album is extremely good, the very best kind of stoner metal where it's groovy and fun and has big meaty riffs and ripping big solos and it's extremely easy to listen to three times in a row.

The Paradise Gallows - Inter Arma: My big obsession the past little while has been Inter Arma ever since Stereogum posted The Atavist's Meridian from their new album. It is just so fucking good and I can't believe I've never heard of them before. You know when you find out about an amazing band and then you find out they've been around for nearly ten years and you can't believe everyone in your life has been selfishly hiding them from you?

The Atavist's Meridian - Inter Arma: I think a big part of my enjoyment of this band has also been that I discovered them at the same time as I'm listening to an audiobook of the complete Conan The Barbarian omnibus so I'm very much in the brain space for music that sounds like it would be nice to swing an axe to.

Untoward Evocation - Impetuous Ritual: I love how halfway through this kind of just turns into a big swirling mist of dark sounds. It feels so formless and dark that it could just shake apart and dissipate at any moment and you'd look down to realise your skin is gone.

Eagle On A Pole - Conor Oberst: from Genius: 'In an interview with MTV news, Oberst stated “We were on the bus one day and a friend of ours that travels with us and works for the band kind of came out from the back of the bus and said that first line: ‘Saw an eagle on a pole… I think it was an eagle.’ And then this guy Simon Joyner, who is a great songwriter from Omaha and one of my great friends, he was on tour with us and sitting there and he was like, ‘You know, that’s a great name for a song.’ We kind of had a contest where he wrote a song with that first line, and [then] I did, and a couple of our other friends. We kind of all played them for each other. Simon’s is better than mine, but it is a good line to start a song.” Another version–Mystic Valley Band drummer Jason Boesel’s interpretation–is on the next album, Outer South.' The idea that such a good song has such a braindead origin only makes me love it more.

Lake Marie - John Prine: When I saw John Prine the other month he played this song that I had never heard before and I had to look it up after and now I'm completely obsessed with it. It feels like falling asleep during a movie and missing a critical plot point so the rest doesn't make sense when you wake up but is thrilling nonetheless. Also he absolutely screamed "SHADOWS!!!" when he played it which was a fucking cool thing to see a 72 year old man do.

Little White Dove - Jenny Lewis: The drums on this whole album are absolutely huge for some reason and I love it. My favourite recent sound is in the first chorus where there's a funny little pitch correction noise as she sings 'dove'. It's very strange and very very good.

Locked Up - The Ocean Party: I only found out The Ocean Party existed as they announced their farewell show this month which is a real shame but I'm glad I got to hear of them at all because they're very good. A very good song about that feeling we all know and love: driving for a long long time.

Plain & Sane & Simple Melody - Ted Lucas: I found out about this song from Emma Ruth Rundle's Amoeba Records video and she makes a good point about this whole album sounding like something's gone wrong and it got accidentally pitched down slightly in the recording process. It's unclear if that's what happened or that's just how he sounds but it adds a very softly spooky undercurrent to a very nice song.

listen here

#playlists

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