#but yeah. synagogue. you want to talk to your local synagogue

[astriiformes]

I've been thinking about converting to Judaism for a long time now and idk where to even start or who to ask about it. Do you have any tips? I could message you, if that's easier. Sorry to bother ❤️

So the single most important piece of advice I can offer you is: find and connect with a local synagogue.

Obviously "local" can mean different things depending on where exactly you live and how many Jews there are in the area, but Judaism is incredibly communal, and converting especially so, and it's important that you integrate yourself with a community as a part of your learning process. You could read up on Judaism for years, but without having a community to learn from, celebrate holidays with, realize you disagree with certain members of and learn how to process those disagreements (yes!! really!! the "two Jews, three opinions" thing is real and has to be lived actively!), and find a sponsoring rabbi through, you'd be totally removed from Judaism The Practice as opposed to, like, Judaism The Concept.

That said I know it can be intimidating to approach a community without at least some knowledge (and it's good to know things about, say, the different movements so you can find a synagogue that practices Jewishness in a way that's going to fit with your own personal minhag, or practice), so if you want some reading recommendations, Choosing a Jewish Life and Living a Jewish Life, both by Anita Diamant are both conversion class classics, and Essential Judiasm by George Robinson is a personal favorite of mine and fairly comprehensive when it comes to the basics.

But I really cannot emphasize enough that converting to Judaism is about joining a people, and a large part of the process is going to be about community, figuring out if it's really for you by living it instead of just reading about it, and talking through your journey with your sponsoring rabbi(s) and fellow students. I think people who come from other religious backgrounds don't always get that, and it's one reason I had to roll this one around in my head a little before answering it because, like, I know approaching a synagogue can be intimidating and sometimes varyingly accessible, but it really is so critical to the process and the only way to know if Jewishness really is for you -- a decision that's going to be left up to you personally, since it's a religion that's open to converts, but not to proselytizing. Also because Judaism is multifaceted and it's as important to interact with people you don't agree with and interpretations that don't resonate with you as it is to figure out what does, because there are as many opinions about Judaism as there are Jews (and then some).

I'd do some research on congregations as close to you as possible (and if there isn't one wildly close, ones with online/streamed services exist too) and reach out to whatever contact person they have on their website about attending as someone exploring the idea of conversion. Usually they'll have information on next steps, too, and may know when their synagogue is next running a class for learning about Judaism. But that's who you're going to want to go to for sure if you're looking at starting the process seriously.

[jewish-vents]

9 years ago, I adopted a little girl. When I found out her birth parents were Jewish, I started reading up on Judaism as thoroughly as I could and talking to the local rabbi, because I didn't want to disconnect her from her heritage. I ended up converting. I found a spiritual home, I found a way of thinking that spoke to me, I found endless people who were surprisingly supportive of my being a single dad who adopted a child, and I was happy. I was often clueless, yeah, but I learned. I got to educate other people in the synagogue about what synesthesia is and why my daughter sometimes gets sensory overload from it just like I do. One little old lady, upon hearing me explain how rare the condition is, that there's thirty-six variations of it but yes, my daughter and I have the same kind, told me this was Hashem's plan. I told her I hoped I was doing this whole parenting thing right. "I'm onboard with the plan, but I'm not always good at it," were my exact words.

I am very sure I'm not good at it now. I'm trying. But how do you explain to your daughter that no, you honestly do not have reason to believe things will get better? How do you explain that her grandparents don't want to talk to us since October because they think we support genocide? When you're awake at 4am because you had a nightmare about her being a hostage or being attacked, how do you play it off as if everything is fine? I want her to be happy. I don't want her to know that I'm as scared as she is. It doesn't help that I'm a rape survivor so not only do I see my daughter in the faces of the hostages, I know what that pain is like and see myself in them, too.

The form of synesthesia my daughter and I have causes us to visualize colors when we hear sounds. The ways our brains are wired cannot be treated or fixed. Many, many Jewish prayers and songs are blue, or green, or indigo, or teal. Sometimes there are bits of gold.

Antisemitic chants and the screams of protestors and the anger in the voices of so many people I used to love and trust - that my daughter used to love and trust - are searing orange and vicious magenta and sharp red and rust colored at the edges. The fury is bright in a way that stings. And because I share her condition I get hit with it and I know she's being hit with it. I'm failing her. I'm not protecting her. Maybe I was the wrong choice of father for her. Maybe there's something more I should be doing. Maybe there's nothing more to be done. I don't know. All I know is I go to my job at the university and get a barrage of blood orange-red-rust-blood and my mind goes get out of here, run, run, run and it hurts. I do it for her. I do it so she can afford Jewish summer camp and books on Jewish history and piano lessons and everything else she wants. I don't know if it's enough to drown it all out or compensate for it. I don't think it is.

I wish we could move somewhere safe. I want my daughter to be able to go back to a life in blue. We weren't made for this much red.

.

[stackslip]

no reblogs on purpose

haven't been to shul in a while, in large part due to how normalized racism and zionist justifications of palestinian oppression were there. talking about palestinians like they were vermin and encouraging the settlements. it came to a breaking point and i haven't been back since. since there aren't any other non-orthodox synagogues around here, i haven't been to synagogue at all for a few months now. been struggling to practice or do much on my own. but i'm still subscribed to my old shul's newsletter and oh boy! am i glad to have left! the language used towards palestinians is flat out genocidal and dehumanizing. suddenly all the rivalries and conflicts with the local orthodox synagogues have been dissolved as "we stand as jews together against this wave of savagery".

seeing all the posts from people who had literally nothing to say on palestinian oppression except now, when it's to be "yeah it's bad BUT israel isn't the same as jews and zionism isn't inherently evil and really the people suffering most here are us" makes me feel so deeply cynical. ok. are you saying anything against anti-palestinian racism in your shul and jewish spaces at all, as vocally as you are about *any* pushback on zionism online?? do you think bds is inherently evil and antisemitic while saying jack shit when your local leader talks about palestinians as being vermin and inherent dangers to jews. do you push back against the idea that any antisemitism among palestinian supporters is proof that all western governments should ban palestinian flags and criminalize very identity. no you don't. you fucking don't. maybe you are in one of the very very few anti-zionist synagogues or jewish spaces. but the reality of the matter is, zionism and the belief that palestinians are parasites, dangers, annoyances, threats--are endemic to jewish spaces in the west. there has been very little vocal pushback against any of it, no matter how much you cry on tumblr or twitter. look at how major jewish orgs are responding right now. how many are demanding deescalation or even calling for israel to not fucking cut water and electricity to gaza? a basic plead for humanity? very fucking few. as long as you are blind to this reality, shit ain't gonna be fixed.

it fucking hurts, man. it hurts me more than words can say. it fucking tears at my soul, seeing so few jews stand up for justice when it's one of the reasons i sought conversion in the first place. justice you shall pursue. it hurts, seeing both the violence and the complete refusal to even acknowledge the violence's existence except to say "but hamas attacked first". in the next few months and years things are going to get so much worse for palestinians, in the name of jews and judaism, and how many are going to do shit? how many of the people who posted tepid posts about how it's antisemitic to condemn the idf and how Both Sides Are At Fault are gonna say shit when israel murders a thousand times more? if and when palestinians resist more, how many will justify the horrors of zionism?? i couldn't go to shul on yom kippur. i'm glad i didn't. i think of standing next to these people at shul i cared about and bearing my soul as we share collective repentance, and how merely two weeks later they are calling for genocide. it makes me sick to my soul. i'm glad i left shul. i want to participate in jewish life again, someday. i don't think i will be able to for a while. not as long as i enter a synagogue and find donation boxes for settlements in the west bank and for an army that has been holding two million people hostage for almost two decades.

[kosherkept]

I hope nothing in my ask sounded condescending or anything! (or implied you don't know what you're talking about or something, sorry I'm autistic and struggling a lot of with communication rn) But yeah it's definitely not normal for a rabbi to recommend not doing any learning yourself, ive talked to four rabbis about converting cause I was looking for one that would be best suited to me as a queer trans person in the rural south, and every one of them recommended studying independently and learning/immersing myself in the open aspects of Jewish culture to see if converting would make sense in my life and to go ahead and start the process and I did for basically the whole year I was waiting for the intro to judaism class, I was even attending synagogue for about 4-5 months before the class and most reform synagogues will let you start attending services if you want and are able to so that you can get involved with your local Jewish community and get a feel for the services, anyways I wanted to say sorry for giving a bunch of unsolicited advice I realized when you answered my ask that was more so a vent looking for people whove have similar experiences and not like, a call for advice, sorry for completely misunderstanding it! I just am very passionate about Judaism and my conversion process and love to talk to other people who are trying/thinking about converting and it tends to get a little rambly, the only other thing I really wanna say but you can definitely ignore if you don't feel like it would help is to not put all learning and everything aside completely, the conversion process as a whole is much easier if you go into it with a pretty good base knowledge and my Rabbi told me that it showed I was serious about wanting to convert and truly dedicating myself to a Jewish life even when other people aren't looking (and in my case more meaningful because me and my Rabbi have time to focus on more specific things like queer Jewish history, disabled Jewish history and other like more niche specific things)

also sorry this is really the last thing but I'm pretty sure I have a lot of the same feelings about choosing a Jewish life (correct me if I'm wrong), I felt personally like it was really heavily aimed at people converting just for marriage and kinda implied that most people wouldn't convert just for the love of it on their own which, kinda felt a little bad to me personally, and I really didn't like the assumption that everyone converting is already involved in the Jewish community in some way or connected to it through family or their partners family, it definitely presents some things in a way that I didn't enjoy reading very much, living a Jewish life by Anita Diamont is completely different in vibe and it's more about the customs, history, prayers, holidays, mitzvot, and minhag of the Jewish community and in my opinion it was much kinder and friendlier than choosing a Jewish life, it was basically all informative and not anecdotal

anyways sorry again! I hope nothing in this ask was rude/condescending either but if it was please feel free to correct me cause I certainly didn't mean for it to be I just really enjoy talking about these things and have a bad gauge of tone

hi!!! i'm sorry if i replied in a way that made it out to seem i thought your ask was unwelcome or condescending, it wasn't at all!! im also autistic so we're just 🤝 . i wasn't looking for advice but it's natural to want to offer it to other people and i'm not upset about it so it's totally fine

and yes i heavily agree about the book!! i've ended up skipping some chapters entirely since i'm not wanting to convert 1. for a fiancé, nor 2. as a christian or soon to be ex-christian. the entire segments about giving up christmas were so weird to me since she didn't clarify in the introduction that the book was primarily for christians, although i don't remember if she said anything about the book being for partners of jews. but i do like her writing style so maybe i'll have to check out her other book as well

[vaspider]

#genuinely this#like i don’t like that they did this#but as someone with loved ones who work at target#i REALLY don’t want to see them killed over this#or even assaulted! that’s also bad!#like it’s not going to be the people making these decisions who are at risk#it’s the cashiers and stockers#which in my local store includes a decent number of queer people!#like no offense to op#but i think it’s a lot easier to stand by your principles#when you only sell online#yes you could get doxxed but it would take substantially more effort#someone could hurt a lot of target employees#just by driving to their local store and walking in with a gun#so yeah if it comes down to it#i’d prefer to have the stuff pulled#rather than have someone get hurt or killed#and the blame should be put where it belongs#on the people making the threats

lmao yeah the 100% safe workplace that is 'going to crowded locations with lots of queers on a regular basis'

please do not open your fucking mouth unless you know what you're talking about

since the start of this business I have been going to synagogues, Pride events and crowded punk markets at least monthly (barring COVID)

I do not 'only sell online' and the idea that my going to multiple Pride events yearly isn't physical danger is pretty bullshit, actually.

It's not just that we could be doxxed, we have been doxxed, repeatedly, we've had multiple, explicit death threats, and we have had people come to our house. We have had to up our security and make changes to the way we live our lives. I know what this entails. I know what it's like.

No, I do not want random Target employees to be threatened, but don't for a fucking minute do this whole "no offense but you don't actually have any real danger" shit. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, like, at all.

And like, if you think for a minute I'm not going to talk about how -- like I and other queer artists have said for years and years and years -- Target and other corporations have no fucking skin in the game and can bail on us at a moment's notice, and in fact they did the minute it was even a little tough?

Fuck you, actually.

So anyway, like I said, support small queer artists who are queer all year and not just in June, and who don't fucking bail the minute shit gets hard.

Wow isn't it wild how Target just immediately caved to queerphobes? Anyway, you can spend your Pride money at @nerdykeppie or other community-owned companies and that won't fucking happen.

[jewishconvertthings]

Hello! I see you fielding some questions from people interested in converting who are afraid to reach out to their local synagogue because they don't offer classes, and I wanted to offer my experience. I decided to convert as a junior in college, but there were no classes in my area, so what I ended up doing was reaching out to the rabbi at a synagogue in the nearest city, and doing a year (and change) of private one-on-one study meetings with him (about every month or so) while spending several days a week at my college's Hillel attending services and studying with my community and on my own. I was not charged for anything apart from sundry costs related to acquiring my books, gas for driving to and from the synagogue, eventually my mikveh fee, etc. This is all to say, taking a class is not a requirement, and I was so pleased at the flexibility that I had as a conversion student. Any rabbi worth their salt will be flexible with you, too. It's so much less scary than you think it will be, and the feeling of being embraced by your community outweighs any initial fears ten times over. I hope this will help anyone reading this!

Thank you for sharing your experience here!

Yeah, I didn't take a class either (wasn't offered or required by the rabbi) and just did self-study + community immersion for two and a half years. There are often scholarships, payment plans, or alternative options if you are required to take an Intro to Judaism class and it's expensive. Just talk to your rabbi about it and see what can be worked out.

[beegaybeejewish]

hi!! i've really been wanting to visit my local reform synangogue to learn more about Judaism, but i'm not sure i'm allowed to as like, a complete outsider. 😔 any advice?

Hey!! I think it’s super cool that you want to visit your local synagogue to learn more and let you know that outsiders are most definitely welcome to visit, especially if you want to learn more. I think the general consensus is to reach out to the Rabbi or the synagogue ahead of time just to let them know you’d like to come and unless it’s like a high holy day I really don’t see any reason for them to turn you away. Plus as an added bonus to calling ahead it gives them the heads up that someone interested in learning more is going to be in attendance and so you might be able to meet the Rabbi before services and chat a little and definitely talk a bit after as well. But yeah outsiders are totally welcome to come and learn more and I hope you have a good experience when you do end up going!! Let me know how it goes!

[sapropel]

The main things that turned me off of conversion for now were

1. I have alot of shit on my plate and am low income as a result so finding a place that will help might be hard because locally there really aren't any synagogues around

2. The synagogue I did find locally was uhhh...... Hhhhh. Their web page had a huge section about Israel in a positive light..

I love the religion, I love certain values it holds however I refuse to align with anyone who justifies colonialism and bloodshed against another group of people while ignoring past bloodshed done onto themselves. It makes 0 sense to me and is highly hypocritical.

Hypocrisy was one of the reasons I hated Christianity so much. Constantly causing bloodshed, huge present and past history of colonialism, huge present day history of wanting people like me who are gay or trans dead and in the ground.

the difference with Christianity is that there isn't even a present day persecution or justified worry of safety despite the fact that I've seen jack chick esque evangelical fuckers unironically act like they're holocaust survivors whenever a pride parade happens within 1 mile of them.

It makes me sad, I don't see the point in colonizing or maiming a group of people who should be your equals.

It's racist at best, dangerous and actively contributing to more death and violence at worst.

The thing is there isn't really a "point." It creates its own point. Real actionable Zionist sentiment was basically non-existent until the rise of European nationalism. It's literally the exact same brand of nationalism that gave birth to fascist Italy and other great failures of modernity. And when "Israel" was a proto-state basically its entire existence was contingent upon its continued usefulness to Britain as a tool of control over India through the Suez. Zionist claims to the land are super shaky at best and straight up revisionist at worst. Post-facto Israel has tried to give itself legitimacy through fearmongering, genocide, and forging alliances with other imperialist powers. It's doing what America did (and is doing) but it's happening in the age of mass media and we are all watching colonial revisionism happen in real time.

If you are letting the prevalence of Zionism keep you from Judaism, I would say you should keep thinking about it. If you treat Judaism as too thoroughly engulfed in Zionism, you do the work of Zionists for them--you legitimize their claim that Judaism is Zionism is Israel. You legitimize the idea that anti-Zionism is antisemitism which is incidentally exactly how my local rabbis have been fucking me over since June. You are of course totally within your rights not to convert to a religion that doesn't work for you, but I hope you rethink the implication that converting to Judaism is akin to aligning with Zionism.

And yeah, Zionist hypocrisy is a systematic issue within American Jewish institutions in a feedback loop with Jewish populations. Any institutional apparatus is going to have systematic issues that reflect the dominant discourse of the greater cultural framework--mainstream Jewish institutions are going to, both by the nature of maintaining relevancy in America and by the natures of fearmongering and cultural amnesia, have a vested interest in participating in capitalism, imperialism, racism... You are not going to find mainstream insitutions that don't perpetuate them. That's why they're dominant. You are no more aligning yourself with Zionism by going to a synagogue than you are aligning yourself with capitalism by shopping at Wal-Mart. Anything you meaningfully do in public is in some way going to be "problematic" on some level because public space is designed to keep itself alive by those values.

It's exhausting to make yourself never come close to anyone or anything bad at all--refusing to associate with anyone with a problematic ideology is a doomed enterprise. I've been there. A lot of Zionist sentiment is implanted in people's minds with lifelong propaganda and destructive mind control techniques, and it's important to recognize that. That doesn't mean Zionist adults don't have a responsibility to unlearn it, but I think it's possible to have compassion for people who do try to do their best with improving themselves. Most people you meet want to be good and don't want to be willfully ignorant. I try to think about how difficult it is to convince the average well-meaning white American of the merits of decolonization/land back. Most well-meaning Zionist Jews are going to feel the same way about Israel--actual systematic justice and decolonization are not in their lexicons. Decolonization is hidden behind thought-stopping techniques that they have been inundated with from day 1. But most people do have a basic sense of goodness and are willing to sacrifice something for it. Most people are willing to give ground for the sake of human decency. The only way I can survive talking to people I know are Zionists is by understanding that we both want the world to be a better place and if I dwell on the specifics of how I perceive them to be evil, the possibility of us having a working relationship and any hope at productive dialogue drops to zero.

You don't have to be patient with Zionists or Zionist institutions. You don't have to forgive them. You don't even have to be compassionate. But you do need to understand, intellectually, that imposed cognitive dissonance is a very powerful tool of mind control (and I'm not talking about woo-woo shit I'm extrapolating from cult research and personal experience) and that the pathos of Zionism isn't supposed to be logical. Fear trumps hypocrisy. Fatigue trumps informed consent. Charisma trumps logic. Any bigoted ideology is going to fall apart under logical scrutiny, and that's why the only battleground for maintaining bigotry is necessarily charismatic and emotional.

We haven't yet, of course, acknowledged that there are also tons of anti-Zionist Jews and that the concept isn't absurd or fringe, no matter what the dominant Zionist discourse says. It's important for us not to let Zionists be the stewards of Judaism--Zionists do not OWN Judaism. Just like the most Orthodox of Jews also don't OWN Judaism. Judaism is only what you make it to be, and if you leave it alone because you are too worried about Zionism, that is all Judaism is ever going to be for you. Of course, you still have to contend with Zionism, and if you actually are interested in being a Jew, you would have to find a way not to let it kill your Judaism. I've come close (ish) to giving up on Judaism a couple of times because of Israel and Zionism, but I'm glad I haven't. I've stuck it out long enough to give myself to tools I need to separate the two and see the situation with more clarity.

[mypoisonedvine]

First Chanukah Together (Night 6) | Ari Levinson x reader

(mini-series masterlist)

summary: you and Ari honor a sixth-night tradition and take some time to help those in need.

word count: 1153

warnings: none, just fluff and adorable kiddos and the reader getting a slight baby fever, lol

Ari had told you that in his family, it was tradition to dedicate the sixth night of Chanukah to social justice and work for the less fortunate— whether that be a donation, volunteering, or advocacy of some kind.  Luckily, you didn’t need to come up with a charitable cause on your own, because his synagogue was having a volunteer event at a local children’s home.  Playing with adorable kiddos for a few hours was the perfect way to spend an evening, in your mind.

When you arrived, the woman who had helped organize the whole thing decided Ari would be the most help playing sports outside, while you offered to help with arts and crafts.  The kids were busy coloring, and you weren’t sure exactly how to initiate conversation with them until you noticed some construction paper and mini-scissors.

“Hey, do you guys know how to cut out paper snowflakes?” you questioned as you took a seat around the table with them.  When a few looked up and shook their heads, you offered to show them how: folding the paper in half and creating shapes with your scissors, you unfolded it to reveal the final product as they ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed.

“I wanna try!” a little boy piped up.  

“Sure, just be careful with the scissors, okay?” you reminded him as he picked up a pair and got to work.

“I wanna make a green snowflake!” a girl decided.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a green snowflake before,” you pondered aloud.  

“You’re about to,” she grinned, making you laugh.

Time seemed to fly after that, conversation flowing as you helped them with their snowflakes and dutifully nodded in awe of their various designs.  They’d taken to coloring them in differently and adding stickers, and you offered to stick them on the big window nearby so the people outside could see their beautiful art.  As you did it, though, you took a moment to watch Ari play in the yard with the boys, falling onto the ground as they all tackled him and climbed all over him.  

“Is that your boyfriend?” one of the girls asked you as they all giggled at the question.  You could hardly remember being that age and being so shy about boys and relationships, back when everybody had cooties and the last thing you wanted was to be accused of sitting in the proverbial tree.

“Um, yes,” you answered, causing them all to gasp and whisper.  

“Are you gonna marry him?!” one of them immediately pressed.

“Uh, maybe,” you shrugged.  

“Are you guys gonna have a baby?” another chimed in.

“Woah woah, slow down,” you chuckled nervously, hoping to change the discussion before they inevitably asked something even worse.  Thankfully, they started gossipping about who liked who within their own group rather than continuing to scrutinize you.  

That went on for a while before you were called away to help with something— and you could use the break, honestly.  You’d forgotten how scary it could be to talk to kids, always afraid you’d say the wrong thing and somehow scar them for life.  And with scissors involved, you were also afraid one of them would literally be scarred for life!

On your way back to the table, you stopped to admire the enormous Christmas tree in the foyer of the building, stacked full of presents underneath.  You were glad that donations gave these kids a chance at some really nice gifts.

“That one’s mine,” one of the boys— Charlie, if you recalled correctly— informed you suddenly as he pointed to a large box wrapped in blue sparkly paper.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, it’s from Santa,” he explained confidently.

“That’s cool!  What do you think it is?” you asked curiously.

“I asked for a bike, so that’s what I’m hoping it is at least,” he shrugged.  “What gifts did you ask Santa for?”

“Um,” you paused, “well, I didn’t ask him for anything…”

“Why not?!” he questioned incredulously, like he was incensed that you wasted an opportunity for gifts.

“I… uhh… I don’t celebrate Christmas,” you explained.

“WHAT?!”

“Well, we’re Jewish,” Ari swooped in to wrap his arm around you, making you sigh with relief.  “So we celebrate Chanukah.  In fact, today we’re celebrating one of the nights of Chanukah.”

“There’s more than one?”

“Uh huh, in fact there’s eight.”

“Cool!” Charlie announced, his attention suddenly torn away as he ran off to go play with the other kids.

Ari laughed at your exhausted sigh, pulling you into a quick hug.  “You’re a natural,” he praised.

“Are you kidding?  Kids are terrifying,” you shuddered.  “You missed out earlier when the girls were giving me a third degree about our relationship.”

“Really?” he laughed.  “Like what?”

“Like if we’re gonna get married, and if we wanna have a dozen babies and stuff!”

“I mean, maybe not a dozen…” he trailed off, making your cheeks warm.  You and him had had a few talks about the future of your relationship, but you hadn’t realized he was so serious about you to not even question the idea of marrying you.  “The boys just wanted to know how I got a girlfriend in the first place.”

“And what’d you tell them?”

“I told them the truth: you just can’t resist my rugged, masculine charms,” he smirked, brushing his fingers through his hair dramatically as he puffed up his chest.

“Mm hmm, I’m sure they saw right through that,” you chuckled.  

“Yeah,” he agreed, deflating a little.

“Mr. Ari!” another boy appeared, tugging at the leg of your boyfriend’s jeans.  “Are you gonna play football with us?”

“Yeah, I’ll be outside in a minute,” he answered before the kid scampered off.

“You’re so good with them,” you noted.

“So are you,” he responded, “really.  The snowflakes are cute.”

“Oh wow, I can teach kids to cut paper, I’m basically Mr. Rogers,” you scoffed.

“No, hey, they love you,” he assured.  “You’re there for them.  You’re nice to them.  That goes a long way with these kids.”

You smiled a little as you realized he was right, although it broke your heart that so little would mean so much to these children.  “Yeah,” you nodded.  “Thanks.”

As you went back to the crafts table hoping they hadn’t broken into the glitter and made a huge mess, you watched Ari dash outside, scooping up a kid into his arms and carrying him for a moment.  You smiled to yourself— maybe it was just because of the conversation you’d had with the kids earlier, but you couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if that was your child with him, how incredible of a dad he would be.  And apparently he thought you had some talent in that area as well, which was comforting.  Sure, it was a little soon to be worrying about that… but maybe it wasn’t too early to secretly fantasize about it.

[erotomox]

I hope you don’t mind but I saw your tags on the religion and suffering post and they really spoke to me. I’m a lifelong agnostic who struggles because I’ve never felt religious belief, like I’ve tried to believe in different gods but it just isn’t in me to do so? But I saw an article once about Judaism and finding god in the sensation of awe, and since then I’ve been kind of wanting to do more research into Judaism. I was wondering if you might have advice on where to start? tl;dr your tags sound like a nice religion could you tell me about it and I am sorry if this is too personal

Yeah, sure! Full disclosure, I haven't fully begun my conversion (i.e. meeting with my rabbi etc) bc I was planning on going to my first Shabbat service And Then The Pandemic Hit and it's kinda haulted my "official" journey to convert. As such, I would also recommend asking some other Jewish bloggers (if they're open to such) as they may have more insight on this process than I do!

In the mean time, however, I've been studying! I HIGHLY recommend "Choosing a Jewish Life" by Anita Diamant! It's about the process of converting and what you should know before hand, as well as a lot of good introductory information. "To Pray as a Jew" by Rabbi Donin is a good resource, though it may be a little outdated (it was originally published in 1980).

Another BIG thing I recommend is to look into the different types and denominations of Judaism! For example, I knew I wasn't found of Conservative or Orthodox Judaism, while I was interested in Reform and Reconstruction and Humanism were appealing. I haven't personally experienced this, but I've read that some more traditional denominations (Hasidic, some Conservative Rabbis, etc) aren't open to conversion, so please keep that in mind.

Also, see what local synagogues you have! I live in a small town, so there's only a Conservative/Orthodox synagogue and a Reform synagogue within driving distance. See if any nearby look interesting, and see about attending an online service if possible!

I was drawn to Judaism for the exact reason you were! I like the idea of religion being a comforting, supportive thing rather than a constricting and guilting thing (I've lived in the Bible Belt my whole life and my mother is a Christian cult survivor so I've been Scorned™). I started doing my own research and talking to Jewish friends and it all kinda just... clicked for me. I have a small journal of all the new experiences and feelings and thoughts I had as I started researching more and more.

Tldr; Read books!. Study. See if you can start talking to a local Rabbi. See what denomination and school of thought appeals to you. Study Jewish history. Study the theology. Study how Judaism looks in every day life. See if it feels right!

I wish you luck on your journey, and hope you can find your place in the world!

[pargolettasworld]

A quick reminder of why Chanukah exists in the first place.  I had to look up John 8:44, and . . . yeah.  For those who also don’t have the Gospel of John at their mental fingertips, I’ll put it below a cut.

From the New International Version:

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Just as a reminder, this is Jesus speaking to the Jews.

Actually, a bit more context, because I did go and read the whole chapter to find out who was talking to whom.  This verse is from a scene where Jesus is talking specifically to people who believe him.  He drops a gnomic saying on them, and they don’t quite get it, so Jesus gets snippy at them.  In fact, Jesus appears to spend much of the chapter just generally grouching and verbally lashing out at people, and (as we said in the Eighties) just generally not having a good hair day.

A couple of millennia later . . . well, he’s still got people willing to imitate him, but only insofar as that means they can be snippy towards local Jews. 

[my-brothers-corrupted]

My Brothers, Corrupted

Chapter Three : Section Five : Two Truths and a Lie

Chapter One l Chapter Two l Chapter Three

After a few harrowing days, we tie up loose ends and answer questions, while Anti goes searching for answers in a less orthodox way.

Trigger warnings for sudden distress, physical abuse and restraint, mentions of cutting and blood (not self-inflicted), and emotional manipulation.

Section Five of Chapter Three: Two Truths and a Lie

Okay I usually try to save questions I don’t get to for the next time I get to the boys but we’re just going to have some miscellaneous question time lol so I can clean out my inbox! you can ask anybody anything right now. I’ll probably just clear everything out and then later or tomorrow I’ll set a scene

I do think I want to come back towards more casual answering like we used to at the start, so if I start answering questions at more random times instead of like in two-hour chunks bear with me :)

Except Trick he’s not taking questions D:

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Hey Dap! You feeling any better?

Dap is still cozied up in his blankets, holding you between his pale palms as he rouses himself. He sets you down on his lap.

“Feel very tired,” he confesses. “But not so much in the no-energy way. More like the no-interest way.”

“No interest in what?” asks Red softly, coming over off-screen to set a cup of water on his bedside table. Dapper doesn’t answer, rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

“Glad your color’s up,” says Red, though you can hear the frown in his voice. “You come back much quicker than Blue, honestly. Maybe you didn’t use as much power as I thought?”

Dapper shrugs and his stomach growls, but he doesn’t complain.

Anonymous asked: Hey boys

“Hi,” waves Dapper, smiling for you. “How are you, camera?”

Red chuckles and shuffles around the room.

“It talks to me,” signs Dapper dreamily. “Lots of voices. Cameras, brothers, bears, empty rooms. It talks to me.“

aether-mae asked: Magicians! can you either tell us your location, or tell us a location near you? Are you still in Peru?

“We are in Peru,” says Emmanuela. “It may not be safe to be more specific than that.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: What are you two up to?

“I’ve got to go get him some breakfast here in a minute,” murmurs Red, coming to set you on the desk in the corner of the square little room, so you can see them better. There’s water damage making the ceiling sag and Dapper scratches on a little red bite on his neck, hugging his filthy white bear to his chest.

“I shouldn’t have spent so much on getting a room for a couple days,” sighs Red. “But he needed to lie down. And I have to admit it’s nice not sleeping on the street for a night.”

spicydanhowell asked: dap, red, when you're up, have you noticed maybe some churches or other places in local communities that have food donations? or actually, all kinds of fruit grow in peru. if you can find some kind of garden or orchard, you could snag some fruit when nobody's around. either of these would be a lot better than shoplifting or robbing houses :(

“You’re probably right,” mumbles Red morosely, dragging his hands through his hair. “I don’t trust those food donation places though. Fucking cops could be hanging out. Scumbags. Worse than American cops, here. Maybe.”

“That only happened once,” says Dapper. “Now you’re paranoid.”

“What?”

“It only happened once,” repeats Dapper, frowning. “That the cop followed you home after you went to get food from the nuns. And then Anti handled it. You’re paranoid.”

Red pauses, his mouth opening and shutting once.

“Dap… bud, you know I don’t remember farther back than Norway, right?”

Dapper doesn’t say anything, picking at the dirt on his bear’s ears.

“There’s no gardens around here that I know of, we’re right in the middle of this ugly city and everything’s apartment buildings and run-down businesses. I’m going to try and find a restaurant that throws stuff out or something before I steal anything, I guess. But I’m scared to be out in public and I just… I just wish we had…”

He kneads his thumb into his palm and goes quiet, his head down from the weight of it all.

cest-mellow asked: hey dok! how are you feeling with the magicians now? any safer than before?

He slept in his own bed tonight, curled up beneath the covers, but when he comes back to you, he looks upset, maybe even tearful.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks, holding you very tight again, rubbing at his wrists. “But I woke up afraid today and I - I - ”

He pauses, staring around him, his mouth shuddering.

“I don’t know, I felt safe yesterday, but I’m worried they did something to my head.”

He pushes his palm against the side of his skull and closes his eyes, biting down hard on his lip.

“Don’t know what kind of powers they have,” he whimpers. “What sort of things they could make me think. I never trust anybody but my family anymore… one time Anti said I could go to the synagogue, but I was too scared even to go… everybody is a threat.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: They've made a vow to us that they won't harm you, Dok. Don't be afraid :) we got your back

Dok breathes out a low sigh and swallows.

“Okay. Okay. They haven’t hurt me yet. Or the ones I’ve met, anyway. I don’t think that Old Man likes me, JP said… and the medic girl, she doesn’t like me. I don’t want her to touch me.”

He wraps his arms around himself.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: What have you been doing to keep busy, Dok?

“I sleep… I’m so tired. I haven’t really been… coherent enough to do much of anything this last week, but now…”

He chuckles, rubbing his arms. “Well, I confess a little boredom, but that’s the least of my worries, really.”

cest-mellow asked: magicians, did you guys do something to dok’s head?

The magicians seem to have found a way to share JP’s little network for your messages across devices, because you find yourself looking through a phone camera at Genesis and Hermann.

“Oh, yay, it is working,” he says.

“To his head?” asks Genesis.

“Oh, no, no, certainly not,” says Hermann. “What, hit him or hypnotize him or something like that? No, he’s okay. Is he scared of that?”

“It’s not surprising for him to be confused,” says Genesis.

And then, after a moment, she adds, “It was the same way with me, when I started to realize I hated my parents. It’s like - what, am I really thinking these things? Is this really all true? I think it would have been almost a relief to wonder if someone was hypnotizing me, so I didn’t have to admit what I was thinking.”

Hermann gives her privacy to say it, turning away and busying himself with whatever they’re working on. A moment later, he straightens up with his arms laden with bags and boxes and a backpack thrown over his shoulder.

“Good news, though,” he says, smiling at you. “We finished going through all the things they had in the car, so now the medico can see everything that didn’t seem dangerous. Do you think he’ll like having his stuff back?”

“We think this is his,” adds Genesis, holding up Dok’s nice white doctor’s coat. “Yeah?”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Where'd you find that? I'm sure he'll love to have it back!

“They left their car behind,” says Genesis. “So everything that wasn’t on the backs of the others is with us now!”

nikkilbook asked: Could have sworn Marvin had a Lapwing tattoo...? Pretty sure he was in the Irish order. And just in case, check for the name “Marvin McLoughlin.” Not sure if that’s the one, but I figure it’s worth a shot.

“Oh, I do,” mumbles Blue.

You find him laid out in a new bed, dressed in white, looking very tired, but cozy beneath his covers.

“Yes, I think that’s what it is. A lapwing. I don’t remember well…”

———————

“Oh, Lapwing,” says JP, nodding at his computer. “Oh, excellent. Oh, perfect, thank you, thank you. An Irish magician. I will find him.”

Anonymous asked: Hello Marv, how are you feeling?

“A little zoned out,” he mumbles, closing his eyes. “They gave me something different. I don’t mind, though. It calmed me down. Now I’m not so upset. I felt like I couldn’t even handle last night. But now I’m just drifting…”

He shivers, once.

“I’m just scared of what Anti will do to me… to Trick…”

bupine asked: what else was in the car, magicians?

“Well, we did find some creepy stuff,” confesses Hermann, frowning. “Like… masks and stuff.”

“Chains.”

“Yeah, things to torture people, you know, like - blowtorch?”

“Yeah, that’s the word. And this weird electric set-up. Like these bars that could shock you. Really fucked up stuff.”

“But then the rest of it is just normal stuff!” Hermann puts his hand in one of the boxes and rifles through. “Games, toys, books, art stuff. Mostly clothes!”

“We’ll let the medico look through the rest of it.”

bupine asked: hey anti, is trick ok?

Anti glances up at you, a warning in his eyes.

He’s sitting on his bed, eating cold red curry out of the take-out box while he works on his computer. It looks to be late afternoon with that much light coming in the window.

He doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t move you, either, and you can see a figure laid out in the bed beside him, his messy hair fluffed against the pillows, breathing deep and steady as he sleeps.

aether-mae asked: Hey magicians, i was wondering if we could lead the other brothers who are also separated from the demon to you. Is there a location we could ask them to meet you at?

“Oh, please do,” begs Hermann, eyes wide. “Please bring the other boys here. We would really keep them safe, I do promise. I… I don’t know where we could meet them, I’d have to ask Emmanuela.”

“Good look convincing them,” mumbles Genesis, looking unconvinced, but sad too, because she knows even better than Hermann the way that they were living.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: You need to take care of him, Anti. He can't deal with your crap, okay?

Anti chooses to type his answers back to you. Actually, he doesn’t look to be typing at all, but his words show up on your screen nevertheless.

“What about this makes you think I’m not taking care of him?”

scunneredzombie asked: Y'know Anti... as horrid as all the things you're doing are, I'm starting to notice something. In your own weird way, you really do adore your brothers. You've said before you're incapable of love but, honestly? I doubt that. You love them. You want family just as much as they do. Why not give it to them, Anti? Why do you have to hurt them, why not allow you all to be a family? A normal, healthy, family?

Anti’s mouth opens angrily, and then he blushes dark, realizing he’s been caught red-handed showing mercy to one of his puppets.

“I do not adore him,” he sends you, eyes flashing. “He’s a guard dog. But if you want to believe I’m secretly a soft, loving, lonely little boy, hey - go right the fuck ahead.”

He smiles meanly at you.

“Family is a manipulation tactic. Trickshot is a pet.”

Anonymous asked: “What about this makes you think I’m not taking care of him?” Because you're you. Do we even have to elaborate?

“I can be nice,” types Anti, and gives you a mocking smile.

Trick shifts on the bed next to him and Anti’s face returns to apathetic concentration, putting another chopstick-full of curry in his mouth.

“Anti,” mumbles Trick, half asleep. Anti reaches back without looking to rub his back and Trick sighs warmly.

Anonymous asked: Magos, your goal is admirable, but you should know that it's futile on its current course. Do any of you have phones? Computers? Radios, even? Do you ever leave base? Do you have family, friends, with those things who live off-base? Then you're not secure enough to hide from the demon. He'll find you all, kill you all, and take Dok back for himself. If you can't find and save ALL the brothers soon, you'd just as well drop Dok off where the demon can find him, and maybe you'll survive longer.

Genesis has a fight in her eyes and she opens her mouth to speak, but before she can, Hermann is speaking, louder than you’ve ever heard him.

“Well, maybe so!” he says, scattering the birds from the trees.

He puts his head down and repeats it.

“Maybe so. Maybe the monster will find him again. Maybe the monster will find us and take him away. But I think… I think a week, two weeks, a month of being treated like a human being, as long as we can give him or his brothers being treated like a human being, with kindness, with respect, with basic needs - that…”

He nods his head, slow.

“That is worth it. That is worth whatever happens. That is a cause to die for. You hear about tragedies, sometimes, from afar, and so many people must have felt so hopeless… alone, even as they died. A moment of mercy is worth it. Maybe I can’t save them, but… I can help. I know that the magician is alive because of me. And that was worth it. I believe that, I do.”

He stares at the floor for a moment, and then, a little reddened from the passion of it, he turns to smile at Genesis and mumbles something about bringing Dok the first of his things before turning to shuffle away.

Genesis shoots you a look.

“Hermann is a man of God,” she says. “But I will fuck your shit up! Your monster was a little bitch on the shore of that river, there, I said it! Ran with his tail between his legs! Fuck it! We’re going to do the best we can. And if that doesn’t work, well, I’ll leave it to over-invested poets like that dumb-ass to make it okay.”

She beams fondly after Hermann and scoops up the rest of the boxes and backpacks, but as she moves, you see the smile on her face flicker away into worry.

Anonymous asked: Hermann, I think the glitch might be hiding somewhere in Asia, from what I can see.

“Oh, tell Emmanuela!” calls Hermann, when Genesis catches up to him.

“Oh, I don’t remember what JP said about sending the messages.”

“There’s like a button that - that one?”

“I don’t - oh, and then, Emmanuela - oh, it’s gone!”

“Is it with her?”

“Is it - yeah, I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

They pause, looking at each other.

“I’ll text her,” says Genesis.

—————————

You find Emmanuela in a small white office, flowers blooming on the shelf beside her. She’s writing something. She barely looks up as the message reaches her computer.

“Thank you for telling me,” she says.

The dark sheen of her hair glows in the morning light, falling down her back.

“You were right to mention it. You seem to be right. The sunbirds were a young order. Small and intimate. Not someone I’ve communicated with before, but someone I know of. Caleb was their leader’s name.”

She pauses for a moment in her writing. Her expression does not change. She stares ahead.

“The sunbirds are dead,” she says, and continues her work.

immabethehero asked: Red, Dap, if we said we could get you somewhere safe and off the streets, but away from Anti, would you take it?

Red glances at the camera, his eyebrow quirking up, a deep frown on his mouth.

“That sounds suspicious,” he says, getting a cup for water. “And I’m trying to get back to Anti, not farther away from him.”

He can’t keep a little irritation out of his voice.

bupine asked: we kind of do know why anti stole the brothers away. it's to do with a man called jack, who anti used to be friends with. we think he's still alive, but even anti doesn't know where he is. the brothers used to be friends with him. we don't know what happened to him, but all this revolves around this man.

“Hm, okay,” says JP, working at his computer, books stacked around him. He stretches his wrists, thinking. “I guess I could look for a Jack in the Lapwing records too. Ireland has a large magical order, though, even bigger than the whole of Peru.”

Anonymous asked: Hey Blue? Trick is... taking a social media break from us so we can't talk to him. I'm sorry he didn't take things well but you're right in taking care of yourself first. We need you to have your head on straight and you're heading in the right direction and we support that. We'll help you however we can.

“A social media break,” says Blue, and a laugh starts before the rest of the message registers.

“What… he won’t even talk to you?”

He pauses, staring at the wall.

“Give him time,” he mumbles finally, grief in his voice. “I’m sure he’ll… I’m sure he’ll come around, right?”

For a moment, there is nothing but the movement of footsteps in the hall and the buzzing of the lights.

And then, weakly:

“He didn’t… come to see me this morning. He comes to see me every morning… so I’m not alone all day.”

Swish, swish, click. Footsteps past his door. Thrumming lights. The largeness of his room and the smallness of himself inside of it. He rubs his own arm.

bupine asked: we're not trying to hurt trick, anti. we just want to know he's alright. how has he been? he won't talk to us anymore.

“Oh, I know you’re not,” types Anti, now not even looking at you, playing with Trick’s hair. Trick hums contentedly and scoots closer to Anti, relief so great it looks painful flickering through his face. “I know how attached you are to all of them. Some more than others, sure. But I know.”

He scratches his hand across Trick’s scalp. There’s a faint meowing outside the door, confused.

“He just needs a rest. Not like him to come begging to me, so I know he must have been really upset. Dok’s not here to comfort the little baby, so I’ll have to.”

Anti pauses, scratching beside Trick’s ear, humming a little as the light pours in. A big pink flower blooms on the headboard, but Anti hardly seems to notice.

“Then again, it is nice to have someone all sweet to myself again. I miss sleeping with my Dapper. And Trick is just so - ”

The typing pauses. Trick has slid an eye open, staring wearily, brokenly, lovingly up at Anti.

Anti runs his thumb down his face. He looks so much like him. Anti had almost forgotten. It’s been a long time since he spared Trick a glance. It used to upset him, the similarity there. But now…

Anti scratches gently through his beard, watching his boy. Maybe he’ll cut his hair today.

aether-mae asked: Dok! You need to get the magicians to find Red. We can try and get his location as best we can but we need to get him to you asap before he can get to anti

Dok recoils, holding his shoulders. “What - lead Red here? No, no, no, Red should be with Anti. We all should. I should be with Anti. Nobody here understands! Even if they are nice, they don’t understand and they never will! And Red - Red killed one of them. If there are people here who don’t like me, I can only imagine what they might think of him. No, no, keep him far away. I bet it’s easier for Anti to find him if he’s not here. Anti will get Red and then Anti will get me, too, and everything will be okay.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: How do you all protect yourselves from attacks? Do you even get attacked, magicos?

“Ah, well,” says JP, continuing to type. “We’re in a very secure location, I can tell you that. It’s hidden in more ways than one. No one has ever attacked us at our home base, except one time when she was young Juana was possessed! But that hasn’t happened since. Something would have to get inside that was already a threat. And to be fair, there are quite a few powerful magicians here. Emmanuela, Christof - ”

He blanches and cuts himself down, a sudden grief twisting up his mouth.

Anonymous asked: Hey Anti can you let Trick feed his cat please? I know you won't do it but someone should.

“He feeds that cat just fine. It can wait another half hour for him to wake up.”

He is smiling down at Trick, watching him drift sleepily besides him. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels so fond of him. Been too long since he had Dapper. Or anybody. He’s just been watching Blue sleep all week. Trick doesn’t even know you’re there, and Anti does not give it away.

Anonymous asked: Blue, you're going through a fucking lot right now. I can't imagine what it's like for you. But! What I can imagine is you at least getting to see everyone again! Don't ask me how, but I know there are currently people (good and safe people) out there researching on what's happened, how to help you, and even who you used to be. Please don't give up, there is hope out there, and we'll do our best to support you and let you know what's going on with your brothers.

Blue clasps his hands together, nodding slowly, too tired to cry.

“Thank you. I’m… I’ll do my best.”

He rubs at his face and breathes out a shuddering breath.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Blue? Do you trust the magicians??

“I don’t know,” he says, very small and very tired. “I don’t know anything anymore. Magicians are just people. And people can always turn out to be hateful. I don’t know.”

Anonymous asked: Anti, please just let Trick rest for the night... He feels really dejected because Blue wouldn't come with him, as you see, and he's really not doing well without any brothers, besides yourself, to help take care of and to live with.

“I think it has been hard for him, being away from everyone,” agrees Anti. “So needy.”

He smiles, but then a flash of anger rises on his face.

“Of course, that’s why Blue was supposed to come home. So Trick could have someone to take care of and be taken care of by. Guess I’ll just have to keep him in line myself.”

spicydanhowell asked: hey red? anti's actually quite close to finding dok, and the magicians have kept him healthy and fed, so if you go to them they will give you protection from the police, food, and medicine, and anti will come get you soon, And dok is missing you both so much :( anti will never find you if you run around like this. the magicians are really harmless. it would be best for dap to go there right now so he can be fed and medicated and get back to anti quickly. love you hunny, be safe.

Red squirms, standing close to Dap protectively. “I don’t know what they would do to a kid as powerful as him,” he says. “And even if they’re nice to Dok, we - we both hurt them. I killed that guy with the book and Dapper stabbed one and tortured the other.”

Dapper stares at his bear, seeming to not even hear.

“I don’t know. I don’t like it. I don’t - I just - I just want to go back to Anti!” He clutches his fists, overwhelmed. “And we can’t go anywhere now anyway. We don’t have a way to travel until I get more money and I got this place for another couple nights. As long as the cops don’t find us. And I think I’m even more wanted in Peru than I am here. I just - I want - ”

He cuts himself off again, biting down on his lip.

spicydanhowell asked: marv, chase is just sleeping, okay? i think he's really worn out from all the emotion. he's okay though. anti is being kind to him. he hasn't been punished. please don't worry dear.

“Oh, good,” breathes Blue, closing his eyes. “He’s not hurt. And maybe - maybe he’ll come see me when he wakes up. If Anti lets him. He wouldn’t choose not to come see me…”

Anonymous asked: How are you feeling right now Marvin? It might be good to get it out there if you're feeling up to it.

“Please don’t worry,” he murmurs. “I’m just tired. I’m starting to think this fatigue won’t go away. I can’t even walk today. The nurse has to help me. Still got this in my nose.”

He tugs wearily on his nasal cannula.

“Just feel… alone. And pretty pathetic. And I’m angry, I’m angry, I’m so angry.”

He covers his face with his hands.

“At everything.”

Anonymous asked: how long is the psychiatric hold supposed to last? were you evaluated yet blue? sorry if that's personal, but i guess this is actually a fib so maybe not.

“Someone’s supposed to come talk to me today. I just had an entrance exam. The only asked me like five questions. I think the doctor had been waiting for an admission like this. I don’t know how long they can keep me…”

spicydanhowell asked: its okay if you want to stay away a little longer red, but the magicians have told us that theyd happily take care of both of you. there are no hard feelings. they really, truly care about your family, and it is the best way to get back to anti. he is going to get there soon, and he'll be glad you took dap to a safe place

“I don’t need anyone taking care of my little brothers for me!” snaps Red, heat and shame rising in his cheeks. “And Anti would not want us to be there. No matter what choice I make I know that much for certain.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: What else did you find?

“Hey, medico?”

There’s a knock on his door and Dok jolts up, blinking ans clutching you to his chest. Hermann pokes his head in a moment later, smiling gently.

“Hey, we’ve got some of your stuff from the car you guys took. Do you want to see it?”

Some of his stuff?

Dok blinks and then nods slowly, trying not to get his hopes up.

Genesis and Hermann bring him two backpacks, two boxes, and his own little draw-string bag. Relieved, he opens it a finds all of his own clothes inside.

“Thank you,” he gasps, clutching one of his three shirts to his chest.

“We got rid of anything electronic,” says Genesis. “Figured that was safer.”

A worm of distress wiggles through his chest, but he’ll take what he can get. “I know the way you think about my brother. I’m glad to have - oh!”

His coffee! From Trick!

He nearly drops you to hold it, squeezing his hands around the bag.

“We’ll let you look through it,” laughs Genesis.

“Yeah, let us know if you need anything,” adds Hermann, smiling.

They leave and shut the door behind them.

The lock does not click.

Dok stares up at it for a moment, thinking.

But he’ll focus on this for now.

Most everything is either his or Dapper’s or Blue’s. He hopes Red and Trick have most of their things. He has Blue’s clothes and more jewelry than he expected in one of the boxes, stuff he’s never even seen Blue wear before. Dapper’s clothes are here too - there’s more of them than Blue’s and Dok’s combined, hot sweatshirts and starchy dress shirts, nice pants and tight black shoes, even though he never leaves the house. One of the backpacks has paper, sketchpads, watercolors, colored pencils, chalks, and erasers. Dok puts a sketchpad beside him to look at later. Dap’s puppet toys are here too, and some nice red cloth and fairy lights. Dok can tell some stuff has been taken out, like collars and wrist restraints.

aether-mae asked: (For the magicians) Great! Yes! We would be more than happy to bring them to you, but we just need a location to ask them to come to. I was thinking we tell them anti is going to collect them there

Emmanuela drums her fingers along her desk, tilting her head at you.

“If there are others who can make it back - and if we can confirm that they aren’t possessed by the monster - your friends can come to the Church of Santo Domingo. We could meet them there. We are not far. They could wait by the skull of Santa Rosa inside. Be cautious not to lose their trust.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Hey Dap! Does the Church of Santa Dominigo ring any bells?

Dapper’s head perks up.

“Red and Blue would not let me see her!”

“Are you talking about that day you ran off?” frowns Red.

“I went to the convent, and I hid in the corner, and across the street was the church with her skull, and I wanted to see. In Saint Dominic’s Church. But we had to go rob a car instead.”

He puts his head down on his hand.

“You got a churro, though,” says Red uncertainly, confused by his mood. “That was good, right?”

Dapper stares at the wall, eyes downcast.

Red glances at you. “It’s, uh. In the middle of the city. Hard to miss. I’ve passed it many times.”

spicydanhowell asked: red... i don't want to upset you... but how else is he going to find you if you keep running around like this? the rule of thumb when you're lost and waiting for rescue is to stay in one place, and the best place to be would definitely be the place anti is going to go to once blue is out of the hospital. you might be there a only a few days, and you won't have to go hungry, or lock dapper up in a room or handcuff him to a church pew. you'll be safe. you'll get home, i promise hunny.

Red lets out a frustrated huff, trying to pretend he’s not considering it. It would be so nice to feel like Dapper was safe somewhere, even if they were prisoners.

“Anti… Anti’s going to find us. He is.”

They could have plenty to eat, they could sleep in beds, they could -

“Well, I don’t know that,” he interrupts himself, scowling. “We’re both much more wanted than Dok is. I don’t know if he has a criminal record at all. They could just turn us over to the police. For all I know, you’re one of them!”

He scuffs his foot against the floor, irritated by his own helplessness.

“Never mind,” he grumbles. “I gotta focus on right now. Dap, I’m going out, okay, I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

Dapper jumps out of bed, alarm on his face, and races towards his shoes by the door.

“Dap! No. You could have another snap at any time. You need routine, right? A steady environment with no surprises. You’re staying here.”

Almost panting, Dapper tugs his right shoe on, tying the laces tight, tight!

“Dapper, come on, are you kidding?” Red stalks over to him and snatches the other shoe out of his hand before he can put it on. “I could get in a fight! It’s not safe. And I’ll be more discreet alone.”

But Dapper isn’t listening, or if he is, he doesn’t agree. His hands scramble up for the shoe, once, twice, but when Red doesn’t give it to him he grabs his brother’s jacket and looks up at him with big puppy eyes, desperately sweet, and once again Red feels his skin crawl from the falseness of it, and he knows that his brother is trying to manipulate him.

“Is Anti the one who taught you to act like a fucking two-year-old to get what you want?” he asks, before he has thought the words through. “Or have you always been this much of a baby?”

The expression slides off Dapper’s face. Now he stares dead-eyed at Red, his big eyes cold and motionless. He seems suddenly hollow, like his heart was pulled out of his chest, like he doesn’t remember what it is to emote, like he feels nothing at all, and this time, it is the truth of the expression that makes Red’s heart clench in his chest.

He backs slightly away from his little brother.

Jameson keeps staring at him, those pale eyes fixed like a dead thing’s upon him.

aether-mae asked: Hey Red, we’ve been talking with Anti and arranged for him to pick you up at the Church of Santo Domingo. he will collect you if you wait by the skull of Santa Rosa. Then you’ll be back with your brothers!

Red stares at you, expression uncertain. He glances down at Dapper, on the floor on his feet.

“Right,” he says slowly. “Anti would definitely pick a very public, very Catholic, very close-to-where-we-were-when-the-magicians-found-us church to meet me at.”

Red stares down at Dapper’s shoe in his hand for a second.

“Sorry,” he says, but you don’t know who to. “Just… forget it.”

Anonymous asked: If family is a lie then you wouldn't kill people just to keep them safe. If they're just pets you wouldn't care than half of them are gone right now. If you didn't love them you wouldn't hold onto them so tight. You may not be a uwu secret softy, but even a bastard like you has weaknesses. And you have five of them, Antisepticeye.

“Please.” Anti scowls as the words appear, letting Trick get up beside him, rubbing at his eyes as he starts his late day. “You wouldn’t care if someone stole three of your dogs? The dogs that greet you every day when you come home, the dogs that sleep next to you and keep you warm, the dogs that guard your door when you’re in danger and wag their little tails when you pat them on their dumb little heads?

“And secondly, I love killing people. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d kill one of them if I had to, I would!”

He stares after Trick, moving around the room.

“I would. I could. Wouldn’t even hurt…”

Anonymous asked: Ohhh what’s this Anti? Is Marvin’s magic making you all soft and feel-y? Better be careful, love.

“Aw, you are all some real fuckers today, aren’t you? You know what, Trick was right!”

He flicks you off unceremoniously, smiling smugly.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Dap? Are you comfortable with leaving on your own if you needed to?

Dapper sighs a very long sigh, so his whole chest seems to deflate. He doesn’t even look at you.

“No point.”

Anonymous asked: Anti your lack of self awareness is kinda hilarious. Mr. "no one will take my boys, stay away from my family" claiming he could ever kill one of them.

The message never reaches a camera, but Anti is too hooked up to his system to not receive it himself. You see his ears redden a little and he takes his hand off Trick’s back, where he’d been rubbing it, but Trick, apparently safely and blissfully convinced that Anti is in a good mood with him, is already leaning forward to wrap his arms around Anti’s neck and put his head down on his shoulder, murmuring something you can’t make out.

Anti’s can’t push him away. His expression is a little angry, but not at Trick.

aether-mae asked: Dap if you go, red will surely follow after. He’s already starting to realise anti is treating you all badly, and with more brothers away from him than with him, there’s more of a chance than ever to be free. Do it for them, Jamie

“Always just go back to Anti,” mumbles Jameson, slinking back towards his bed. “I don’t even feel like a person anymore.”

Red looks disturbed by the sudden change in mood, but he’s grateful Dapper’s not trying to leave anymore. He nods to himself and starts putting on his own shoes and jacket.

“Almost want to run away just to spite him,” JJ confesses, staring at his brother’s back. “But it’s not him who wants to do anything that he does - say anything that he does - treat me the way he does. It’s just Anti’s influence on him. I know what that feels like. I wanted to keep him safe from this, when I was young, the way he kept me safe. Made me feel safe. Let me live a real life, if only for a short time. Now I don’t think I have the strength to save anyone. Anyway, it’s so hard to trust myself when I’m psychotic. I’ll have lost track of everything again soon.”

He lies back, staring at the ceiling.

“Probably better that way. It’s difficult to remember… difficult to see who I am now. Look at this place… look at me. He broke me in just like he always told me he would. I’ve never known a fatigue like this.”

Anonymous asked: I know this isn’t the time for this, but it is beyond refreshing to see you Jameson.

Jameson manages a real smile at that - wide and white, laughter making his chest shake.

“I wish I had my medication. I could be so clear. I can’t remember the last time I felt this clear. How… cold it is.”

“I’m, uh, leaving,” says Red. “You okay?”

“Just go,” signs JJ wearily. “Your mind is set.”

Red looks at you. “You want to come with me or stay with him?”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red, you better get going. The more you dawdle, the less focused you're gonna be

“Yeesh, I get it,” he says. “Everybody likes the little guy. Bye. Dap, two hours max. I’m locking the door out here. Handcuff’s attached to the handle and the beam here. Better than your wrists, right?”

His brother looks at him but doesn’t wave him goodbye.

Red leaves him alone.

cest-mellow asked: dapper, i think you should go to the church, be with dok and have a safe place to eat and sleep, have routine. even if it’s without red, we could get him there, too, he’ll surely follow you once he knows. and if anti tried to take you again you have tons of magicians to keep you safe. i really think you should leave once red is gone.

“He’s locked me in. Maybe I could rip the beam off the wall or sneak out later, but… I don’t know. What would you have me do? I’ll be back in my own head again soon. I’m hallucinating right now and most of the time, lately. My paranoia is unbearable, I don’t even trust Red. It would take me days to get there, on foot or stealing so I could take a bus. I could go into a catatonia again and then authorities would get involved and I’d go to prison.”

He rubs slowly at his face.

“What… what would you have me do? Would you have me go? Maybe it doesn’t matter… Maybe I could try.”

aether-mae asked: Jamie please, we will guide you, we promise. You’re so close, so so close. If you reach the church we can reuinite you with doc AND get you a warm bed, warm meals and protection from anti. You can do this, you can be strong just for a little longer

“Comfort means little to me. It never lasts. I don’t believe anymore that my strength has any bearing on what happens to me. Nothing is in my control. This life is not mine. Easier to be Dapper.”

He laughs a little, splayed out on the bed.

“When I forget I want to remember again, but when I remember, I know it’s better to forget…”

He stares at the ceiling.

“Could leave the city and begin walking again, I suppose. It’s a long walk. But pain is just pain, it passes, and then it means little whether or not it passed, it’s in the past. I’d like to see Henrik, even if he is a ghost, I’d like to see Henrik and have my medication and hold onto him when he was scared. He doesn’t like to admit it but he’s often scared, shh. I’d like to see him again.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: There's always a point, Dap. Maybe you can save your brothers If you got away....even for a little while

Jameson stares up at whatever he sees for a long time. His finger reaches up to trace the lines of it, branching and broken, back and forth, stuttering or whole.

“I think… it’s cruel that Anti lets you watch,” he says after a moment. “Because… you have hope that none of the rest of us have. And I think the most likely thing is that one day, you’ll see us give the last dregs of it up, and maybe some of us will die. Or maybe that’s just… my hope… Maybe I’d just like this last part of myself that still hopes for something I can never have to die.”

He puts his finger down and touches his heart, his eyes weary.

“If you’d still like me to run… tell me again in a few hours, when Red is back and sleeping, and we can try, perhaps, if I’m well enough. If only to remind him… if only to remind myself… that I still possess the ability to make choices for myself. That I am still an adult.”

He turns on his side, curling his arms around himself. “Perhaps I’ll sleep a while. I can hear something coming down the hall towards me. I’d like to be unconscious before my mind decides it is a monster.”

spicydanhowell asked: hey marv? sorry to bug you again but- since you have your head on a little straighter right now, and jameson is remembering himself better at the moment, is there anything you want to say to him? from the real you to the real him? he could definitely use a bit of encouragement.

“Oh, is he feeling okay?” murmurs Blue. “Poor suffering little hideaway.”

He’s sitting up in bed now, a little color back in his cheeks and, speaking of color, he’s got a little box of pencils and a coloring book. He’s filling in a little ocean scene with fish.

“Um… just… if you could tell him… I love him and I’ll find him again.”

He pauses, staring at his own wrist for a second where the white hospital band hangs.

“If not in this life, then in another one.”

He bites down on the back of his pencil.

“No, don’t say that, I’ll scare him. I’ll find him again. I’ll see him again and I love him, I do.”

Anonymous asked: blue, being suicidal was a lie, right?

“I… oh, don’t worry. Yes, I’m… just… quite sick.”

You can see his coloring page. He hasn’t been able to stay within the lines, but whether it’s from his trembling hands or his damaged eyesight, you can’t say.

“And I don’t know what Anti will do to me if I can’t be his anymore. And I don’t know if they’re so far away Anti won’t find them. Or if they’ll be arrested. Or if maybe it’s better for them to be where they are and never see me again. Or if it would be easier to die.”

He adjusts his nasal cannula, sniffling. “Can’t die til I know they’re all going to be safe without me… but I feel, already, like I’m dead. I don’t know how I’m ever going to escape this place.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Hey Anti, how's Trick holding up? Can we see him?

Anti’s got you on his shoulder again, so you can’t see much but his hands, examining the price tag on a bright blue hoodie with white strings. He glances at you and scoffs, but obliges you, taking the hoodie off the rack and heading down a few aisles.

“How do you like that?” he asks, holding up the sweater.

Trick startles and turns away from a row of wine, plucking at his white t-shirt. “Oh! For me?”

“If I don’t have to buy Blue new shit, might as well get my good one something fun.”

He ruffles Trick’s hair and makes him laugh, shoving back at Anti’s hands. His face has a nice warm color to it and his hair is clean and soft.

“Maybe I’ll dye your hair,” says Anti suddenly.

“Oh - yeah?”

“Yeah. You used to have it dyed. I didn’t mind.”

Trick is willing to take just about any form of Anti’s attention and even the thought of having his hair dyed makes his face light up. He touches his fringe hopefully and smiles at his brother.

“Get yourself some snacks,” says Anti, playing with his hair again as he passes him. “Whatever you want.”

“Okay!”

Anonymous asked: Marv don’t give up hope so soon, there’s still so much we can do.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I think it’s just hard to be alone in the hospital.”

His eyes water and he turns away from you.

“But!” he says a second later, turning back with a smile. “I have a coloring book! So I’m just going to think about fish for a while. Oh, and a counselor lady came to talk to me yesterday and it went well. Really nice. I wish Trick could talk to her. And she kept going ‘given what Dr. Siong says’ so I think they’re talking about keeping me here a while. Because they know I might not be safe at home.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Marv...if Dap had a chance to get away from Anti...would you be upset with him?

“Upset with him! No, never. Fuck, I understand, don’t I? I’d run away with him if I could and the two of us would go live somewhere nice where we were safe with each other - home to Ireland, maybe. I don’t even remember the sight of it, you know. Not the smell or the taste in the air. It’s a foreign country to me. Or I’ll take him to England and he can have tea like he likes and there will be other people who speak BSL so he doesn’t feel so apart from the world. We’d go out on walks everyday and he’d never have to see his door closed again if he didn’t want to. Find jobs and buy him a violin with the money. A violin and charcoal and clothes and food and everything he wanted. Pets, I don’t care, anything he wanted.”

He laughs and puts his hand over his heart. “Oh… upset, no… but even if he has to go now, and I could never see him again… it would be worth it to know that he was safe. At least one of them could be safe.”

Anonymous asked: That’s good that others are trying to help! Y’know marv, I recently started baking and I made macarons for the first time! I made them entirely too sweet lol but due to my stubbornness I ate them all anyways haha. It was a fun experience! That’s what matters, anyways. So when you get out of here and away, what would be the first thing that you would make?

“Oh, macarons, those sound good right now. And fun to bake, yeah… geez, what would I make? I don’t know. Oh… brown butter noodles. With the bread crumbs. Or pecan pie, maybe, or… oh, I would die for some of Chase’s - ”

His mouth pauses on the word and his eyes darken, a vague memory sitting in the place of the word.

“Oh, I can’t… remember.”

He chews on his nail for a second.

“Brown butter noodles,” he says after a moment, shaking it off and smiling again. “Parsley and bread crumbs and so many carbs. I’d eat a whole box of it.”

Anonymous asked: That’s good that others are trying to help! Y’know marv, I recently started baking and I made macarons for the first time! I made them entirely too sweet lol but due to my stubbornness I ate them all anyways haha. It was a fun experience! That’s what matters, anyways. So when you get out of here and away, what would be the first thing that you would make?

“Oh, macarons, those sound good right now. And fun to bake, yeah… geez, what would I make? I don’t know. Oh… brown butter noodles. With the bread crumbs. Or pecan pie, maybe, or… oh, I would die for some of Chase’s - ”

His mouth pauses on the word and his eyes darken, a vague memory sitting in the place of the word.

“Oh, I can’t… remember.”

He chews on his nail for a second.

“Brown butter noodles,” he says after a moment, shaking it off and smiling again. “Parsley and bread crumbs and so many carbs. I’d eat a whole box of it.”

Anonymous asked: Um actually I don’t think we’ve asked you this yet, but do you want to be called Blue? Or Marvin? Does either bother you at all?

“I don’t remember being Marvin at all,” he says, a little wistfully. “The name doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Blue seems strange, knowing Anti gave it to me… but it’s also the name my brothers know me by. So I’ll be Blue for them, as long as I can. Maybe someday I could be somebody else. But you can call me either, I don’t mind! I’m glad to have that old name in my memory.”

bupine asked: what colour are you thinking of dying trick's hair, anti? not blue, red, or green, i assume. gonna complete the set of colours and go for yellow?

“No,” mumbles Anti. “I don’t answer to you, you can wait and see.”

Anonymous asked: Wait, a blue hoodie with dyed hair... I'm assuming you're thinking green for the color? Wouldn't that be a very "familiar" sight, uh? >_>

Anti ignores you, though, once again, you see a little color rise to his ears. He’s sitting with Trick on the bus and you can hear his little brother chattering about some game he heard about at the store. He doesn’t mind the sound of him ranting, even though they’re by far the loudest group on the bus.

“Okay, go,” nudges Anti when a stop comes, and Trick gets up obediently.

“Bye, Anti!”

“Bye, bud.”

Oh! Bud! Trick grins. “You’ll come home later?”

“Yeah, just give me a little while.”

“I could cook you something!”

Anti glances down at his hands. Even he isn’t sure how corporeal he is these days.

“Um… sure.”

Trick claps. “Okay! Okay, yeah, cool, whatever.” He calms himself down and gives him one more wave, heading off the bus.

Anti lets himself continue, waiting for his own stop, pulling out his phone and typing away. You’re on his shoulder so you can see that he’s hacking into a police database in Ecuador right there on his phone.

“Sick of trying to split myself in half trying to go back to Peru and look for them in form,” he sighs, a little sing-song. “From now on my investigations are happening from right here. Red and Dapper are sure to have run into trouble already… just have to find the right criminals.”

Anonymous asked: Marvin, how are you doing? Do you feel more safe now that the hospital is holding you?

“I… still feel scared about what’s going to happen - with my health and with going home and to Trick and the others - but… yeah, I do, I actually do. I’m just trying to focus on being here, while I’m okay. Having a good couple days, if I can, just sleeping and trying to find stuff to do.”

He laughs wearily.

“Is Dapper this bored and alone all the time? Cause I - ”

Someone knocks on his door. He looks up, startled.

“Hi, Matthew.”

“Hi,” he answers the nurse, finding a smile.

“Your brother Connor is here to see you?”

Blue lights up with hope, his hands coming together.

“Oh! Yeah, you can send him in.”

The nurse smiles and opens the door wider before turning to leave, revealing his brother standing in a red t-shirt with a backpack slung over his shoulders, his healthy hair, cut just the same as Dok’s, beginning to get low over his eyes.

“Hey B-blue,”  he says, shuffling his feet.

“Trick,” melts Blue, tears rising to his eyes. “Listen, I’m sorry everything got so out-of-control so fast. Sweetheart, it’s not because of you, okay? I still - ”

“You don’t have to apologize,” mumbles Trick, running a hand through his hair before slinking over and sitting down beside him, still staring more at his feet than at Blue. “Can you just… explain?”

bupine asked: tell him about how anti's lied to him, marvin. he has to know, even if he won't believe you.

“I’ll tell you everything,” swears Blue, reaching out to touch the side of his face, his voice shaking with the love of it. He knows every freckle on Trick’s face that no one else has, knows the small scar at the bottom of his chin and the small stammer of his voice. His little brother. “I love you so much and that will never change. It wasn’t about you, of course it wasn’t. I just need you to listen, alright, and even if it doesn’t make sense at first, you have to try to believe me. Okay?”

Trick nuzzles against his hand a little, his big eyes wide and trusting. “Okay, Blue,” he says, his mouth trembling a little. Blue knows sometimes it’s hard for him to hear that he’s loved, but he means it.

“I didn’t have a stroke,” he croaks.

Trick’s eyebrows lower. “You didn’t?”

“No, Trick, listen, you remember how my hands had been hurting me, and how Anti had been forcing me not to use my magic?”

“Because it could lead people to us, because he couldn’t hide your signal.”

“Right. Well, he found a way to strip that power out of me and take it for himself so he could hide it beneath his own. I know it sounds crazy! But you know magic is real and you helped Anti drag me down to the river, didn’t you? It was some sort of spell, some really dark spell. He cut my arm and he took my power from me. It’s why his power has been so erratic lately! Mine and his are struggling inside him.”

Trick stares at Blue, then at the ground. At Blue, at the ground. Swallows hard. “Okay… okay, let’s say that’s true for a second. I still don’t understand why you won’t come home to me…”

“Trick, I’m just - ” Blue’s voice breaks. “I’m just scared, okay! I know he’ll keep hurting me!”

“But you… you’re my big brother, shouldn’t you come home and protect me?”

“I - Trick, please, I’m sick, I’m really sick, and I’m scared, I just - ”

“Even though he did this to me when he heard you wouldn’t come home?” sobs Trick, and he pulls up his shirt and reveals thick swathes of bandages wrapped messily around the whole of his torso, blood welling on to white.

Blue is speechless, choking, staring at his chest.

“He won’t let me see Noodle,” Trick sobs, collapsing onto the bed. “He said he took him into his room but I can’t hear him meowing, not ever! I think he killed him!”

He unravels into weeping, clutching at Blue’s bedsheets. Blue cannot speak at all.

“I think he’ll kill me too if you don’t come home!”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Trick, listen to your big brother. He wouldn't lie to you.

“Maybe Anti does hurt me sometimes, but he still loves me!” shudders Trick, sobbing as Blue leans slowly down to rub his back. “What would we even do, if we tried to get away? Have you thought about it at all?”

“I don’t know,” whispers Blue. “I don’t have magic anymore, so he couldn’t track me through it. I don’t think I’m well enough to run right now, though… Maybe we could soon. We could try and get your cat and then… I think the doctor here would try to help us.”

“Really?”

“We could maybe get to another country, live with electronics, hide, find a way to stay away from him.”

“Where would we go?”

“I… don’t know. Anywhere. Back home, maybe… but maybe that’s too predictable. Somewhere I speak the language. America, maybe, or Spain, or back to South America. Maybe I could even hurt him, before I went, so he couldn’t catch us.”

“H-how would you do that?”

“You’re with him at the house. He trusts you. Even if we could just get one blow on him before he gets away…”

Anonymous asked: Oh g-d Trick...what if you just ran? Got as far away as possible where there are no cameras for him to find you? We could get someone to help you if you wanted.

“Someone could help us,” whispers Trick.

“If I told the doctor and the counselor, they might be able to keep us both away from him! What if you told them you needed to be monitored too, Trick? We could get police involved. We’d be in the records, people would watch out for us. Maybe we could even contact the magicians in the area! Or the ones who took Dok!”

Anonymous asked: I don’t like the feeling about this, forgive me for being apprehensive, but Trick weren’t you just excited about Anti dying your hair? Do you actually want to leave or are you trying to get information?

“He was just scaring me, I’ve been trying to be good…” hiccups Trick, simpering fearfully and reaching for Blue’s hand. “Blue, he looks at me like he’s going to kill me, I’m so scared…”

“He dyed my hair too,” he laughs morbidly. “I remember it, just a little bit… waking up with my hair blue, not knowing my own name…”

Anonymous asked: As comforting as that would be, I don’t think the police or medical staff would be enough...you would need the magicians

“Right, right,” murmurs Blue, chewing on the nail of his thumb.

“How would you contact them, Blue?” asks Trick, with his big puppy eyes.

“Oh, I think I used to remember a way…”

“But you’ve forgotten it now?”

Blue’s face falls. “Yeah. I’m sorry, honey.”

“It’s okay, Blue. It’s not your fault. Anti must have really wiped your memories. So we can’t contact them unless you remember. What else could we do?”

bupine asked: blue. marvin. while trick's here, get the doctor's here. show them what anti did. make sure he doesn't go back home.

Blue nods swiftly and grabs the call button, pushing it quickly. He beckons for Trick and pulls his brother into bed beside him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close until he hears Trick’s breathing begin to calm.

“My little brother. You don’t have to go home ever again if you don’t want to. I’ll look after you, I…”

He pauses, breathing in, glancing at Trick.

“What?” mumbles Trick, slumped wearily against him.

Blue pauses again and then laughs. “It’s stupid. I think you got a new shampoo is all. Haha, rose smell.”

“Oh, yeah,” giggles Trick. “Flower smell.”

spicydanhowell asked: yeah actually that's a good point uh.... chase.... i don't mean to upset you hun but where the hell are your loyalties rn?

Trick buries his face in Blue’s shoulder.

“I just want everything to stop hurting,” he chokes. “I want my twin and my cat and for everything to feel okay. You’ll make it better, Blue, won’t you?”

“I’m doing everything I can, I am, I am.” Blue smothers his hair in kisses. Trick smiles, clutching on to him.

Anonymous asked: Blue... it might be best to go to the house with Trick. I know, trust me, how scared you must feel, going back to your abuser, your near murderer... But you need to be there for him. You need to be there for your little brother.

Trick stares up at him with his big eyes. “Oh, Blue, maybe it would be safer if we made him think you had come around… You could act really sick and I would take care of you and he wouldn’t be angry with either of us, and then, when you were better, we could attack him and get Noodle and just run. Wouldn’t that be easier? To make him think everything was okay, so neither of us would get beat?”

Blue tilts his head back and forth, thinking. “Mh… maybe… he knows I’m angry with him but I could be too tired to fight, and then one day… element of surprise might be better than him trying to get to us here while I recovered.”

“I know he’d let me take care of you.” Trick snuggles warmly against him. “We’d be okay for a little while.”

Anonymous asked: Hey Trick does Anti know you’re here?

“Oh, no, I told him I was going to get food… stalls are close, remember?” Trick smiles up at Blue.

A little too wide.

Blue looks back, beginning to frown.

Anonymous asked: Blue... I really don't... know if that's Trick... We haven't seen Anti hurt Trick or Noodle lately, and Trick shouldn't have been able to believe what you said with how much Anti's been hypnotizing him. Be careful what you say. Anti could change his shape even before he took your magic.

“Trick,” says Blue slowly. “Why would the cameras have seen something different than what you’re telling me?”

“They lie!” Trick’s eyes flash with hurt. “O-or th-they didn’t see, he did it late at night! Look, look!”

He pulls up his shirt again, and the bandages too, so Blue can see thick, weeping cuts. Blue turns away, nauseated. He can’t bear even to think about Trick getting hurt like that.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: What exactly was Anti off to do, Trick?

“He doesn’t tell me where he goes, most of the time…”

Anonymous asked: Trick that's such a smart idea! Good thinking, good job. Maybe consider it Marvin? Just playing up being weak and sick for a while to keep you both safe? Either way, probably not a good idea to discuss this on Anti's system. Remember, he see and hears everything the camera does.

“Yeah, we could just hide,” says Trick. “We could just pretend for a while. You should have come with me yesterday, shouldn’t you have!”

“I… I don’t know. Maybe.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Wait! I thought you wanted nothing to do with the voices in the camera, Trick.

“I got a little freaked out last night.” He rubs at his eyes. “It’s… hard to believe things like what you’re telling me.”

“You… came around pretty fast today,” mumbles Blue.

“After he c-c-cut me like this!”

bupine asked: shit, chase, what did he do to you? did he stab you?

“He just wouldn’t stop cutting my chest up.” Trick reaches out to grab Blue’s wrists. “Isn’t that awful, Blue, isn’t that just awful? Why would I deserve that now, let me ask you? Why would anyone be bad for Anti when he could do this at any time? Even in the hospital, if he really wanted to, don’t you think?”

“Trick,” breathes Blue, trying to pull away. “Trick. Too tight.”

“Well, sorry, Blue, I think I’m just having another b-b-b-b-breakdown, isn’t that too bad? How I’m always c-c-c-crying?” He squeezes down hard on Blue’s wrist above his IV and Blue yelps, struggling against him.

Anonymous asked: Blue DO NOT look at Trick's eyes, keep your eyes up to see the nurse, keep alert to protect your brother. Okay?

Blue scrambles for the call button again, trying to get the nurse, but his brother just sneers at him.

“Oh, puh-lease, you think I’d let a call go through? You can’t even call for help when I’m around, you really think you can run away from me? America, Spain? You’ll never make it out of this fucking room before I saw that you were gone! I’m everywhere, kitten! You’re as stupid as you always were, thinking you could run away from me forever! You couldn’t even stop me from stealing your brothers in the first place and now you think you can steal them back from me? You’re pathetic!”

Anonymous asked: Blue, Blue, Marvin, Marvin, that's not Trick, Anti is in your arms, that is NOT Trickshot!!!

“Get away from me, Anti!” Blue screams, ripping out his IV, his cannula, and his heart monitor as he tears out of bed, but the steady beeping rhythm on the screen does not change for a second, alerting no one at all. “You fucking liar!”

Anonymous asked: oh just fuck off Anti. Horrible actor honestly.

“Second time you fell for it,” Anti jeers at Blue, crossing his arms on the bed, and then his form shifts, and he’s red-haired and freckled, with dark, worried eyes. “Oh, Blue, I’m right here, I’m right here… big brother’s going to keep you safe.”

“Fuck you!” snarls Blue.

“Keep your voice down… wouldn’t want me to have to possess whatever nurse comes through the door, would you, kitty?”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Marvin, get the HELL outta there!

Blue wrenches the door handle, but it has an electronic lock for psychiatric patients who might try to run, and Anti’s already beat him there.

“Uh-oh,” sings Anti.

Anonymous asked: Not really sure that's Trick. No offence if it is you, bud. He's not acting like himself. And we haven't seen him get hurt at all. In fact Anti's been practically in love with him the past few days.

“Oh, I get it, I get it,” laughs Blue, almost hysterical. “Can’t have Dapper as your puppy so you gotta find someone else to make into your little baby. Makes sense. No one really loves you so you’ve got to force someone to pretend. The younger and more malleable, the better.”

Rage flickers through Anti’s eyes, but he does not move.

“Seem to remember you being pretty in love with me a couple times there, sweetie.”

“Shut the fuck up. None of it is real, Anti. You will never get what you want from us. You will never know what it really is to be loved.”

“Must be missing out on so much.” Anti rolls his eyes. “Stupid cat.”

“Stop calling me that! I don’t even like cats!”

“Yes,” says Anti, his mouth curling up. “I made you not like cats, my deer. Your obsession was so annoying. And when I came to torment you all, and found my way back to you, I strung your little idiot cats up by their throats outside of your little portal and listened to you weep over their tiny bodies. Athanasius and Queenie. You don’t even remember now, do you?”

Blue is stopped short, wheezing like he’s been punched in the chest.

He doesn’t remember.

But the feeling of it - the emotion of it - is still with him and he feels it again now.

“Oh, oh, oh,” he weeps, crumpling. “You killed my cats, you killed them!”

“I been haunting your steps for a long, long time, Marvin,” says Anti, getting to his feet and circling him. He transforms again and now he is a small, green-haired young man in a black t-shirt and ripped jeans, his throat open. “And you really think you could ever get a step ahead of me?”

“I hate you so fucking much,” chokes Blue.

Anti steps down gently on the back of his throat.

“I know.”

Anonymous asked: antisepticeye hurts the boys the same way Jack hurt him because he's an edgy toddler, more news at 11 🙄

“Shut the fuck up,” snarls Anti, backing away again. “Like you know anything about what he did to me! Shut the fuck up.”

Anonymous asked: Anti, do you seriously think you'll ever be powerful enough to keep all of them under your wraps? Are you that far up your own ass? Your level of un-self-aware egoism is astounding.

“Well,” laughs Anti, his eyes burning like an effigy. “I’m not willing to give up yet.”

He leans closer into Blue’s space, teeth bared.

“I never will be.”

Anonymous asked: Anti you are the definition of annoying now would ya fuck off for a bit?

“I let you have your little talk with Trick last night,” scowls Anti, crossing his arms off his chest. “Geez, you act like I’m not your favorite character!”

Anonymous asked: Marvin throw stuff around, break stuff, make as much noise as possible to try to get the attention of anyone around there!

“Or you could not do that!” pipes up Anti, and thick vines burst out of his backpack and wrap themselves around Blue’s body, making him shriek and pinning him back against the wall. A flower blooms inside his mouth and makes him choke, effectively gagged, while Anti hums, trailing forward with his knife flipping up and down.

“Poor thing,” he says.

With his cannula gone and his mouth full, Blue can’t seem to get enough oxygen. The blood rushes painfully up to his head, blinding him for a second, and he all but faints in the grip of his own magic, shuddering.

“Just be good for a second,” says Anti. “It’s so much easier.”

Anonymous asked: Anti you taking your master-issues out on these boys is quite the spectacle. Your entire existence has *revolved* around just getting back at Jack for how long now? "Long long time" is right. He created you acting like this, and now all you do is act like he made you to. Never stopped being a puppet.

Anti stomps his foot like a kid, his mouth filling up with fangs and antlers budding on his skull again. “Please! He would be horrified to see what I’ve become! He never would have expected this, not in a million years! Oh, JJ’s my little puppet, huh, was that a fun bit for all of you, thinking of the little baby tucked up in his box, just a body for me to use? Well, I took it a step further, and then another, and another! Now he’s much more than a vessel and I stole all five of his boys! Where’s his little hero, now, huh? Music pumping behind him in his stupid video, that dumb outfit all fixed up from the first time. I was supposed to be beatable. I’ve overcome everything he ever planned for me.”

He grits his fists hard, panting.

“And now he doesn’t even seem to know it… won’t even try to stop me, like he doesn’t care! Fucking Jack!”

Blue stares at him, panting through his gag.

Anonymous asked: Doing this will not solve your problems, Anti, in fact it will make them worse. The boys will kill you for this, don’t make this mistake.

“There are some things worse than death,” hisses Anti, stalking forward.

Anonymous asked: Trick, I know you don't want to talk to us, but Blue is in trouble at the hospital

Trick’s cameras are deactivated for messaging, so they receive nothing at all.

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: Oh I dont think that's trick at all

“Sure you don’t want me to pretend again?” asks Anti sweetly, turning back into Trick. “Isn’t it easier this way?”

“Not real!” Blue screams through his gag.

“But it felt real for a moment, right?”

He chokes on a sob, not wanting to admit it.

“I know it did. And that feeling that everything would be okay, and that you were safe, and that you were with someone that loved you? Kitty, I can do that again so easy. Fit right back in your head where I belong and make the whole thing seem understandable. Or I could just wipe you clean again… you’d be so content, just like you were for those first few weeks. Now that the magic’s gone, there’s no conflict at all between us! Everything could feel okay. Sometimes things go bad with us, it’s true. But I’ll always set them right again. Okay?”

Blue shakes his head frantically, tears sliding down his face.

“Well, you’ll come around,” coos Anti, stroking his cheek. “Everyone always does for me.”

Anonymous asked: How many times are you going to try to do this Anti? It’s the same song and dance literally every other week, don’t you get bored? Why not start a garden? You can trample as much life as you want there :)

“You’re the ones always playing the same song and dance,” he growls. “You say the same things every time you see me. Aren’t you tired of circles? I was. But I guess you’re a lot more helpless than I was back then.”

Anonymous asked: None of this is *fun* Anti. When have any of the cameras, specifically us, wanted you to do shit like this? Since when have *your* viewers, not his, wanted this? You think you're a favourite, special boy. You're an entitled child who takes out his feelings about his own abuse on his master's other toys.

“Every time you saw me you were so excited,” he protests, looking almost taken aback. “I know it was fun for you because you kept coming back. Once, I just - oh, I just glitched for one moment! Over his eyes! You talked about it for weeks, that one glitch. It was always easy to get your attention. You wanted me. And I was the favorite, I was! Even he said so. Wouldn’t put me in polls because he knew I’d win.”

He laughs, running his hands through his hair, a little mollified, actually. “Fuck, it all felt so stupid at the time… but things were a lot easier, back then, in some ways. I just wanted one thing. I don’t know, it makes me want to just kill them all and keep pretending I could ever get to him. Oh. What a time we had.”

Anonymous asked: What the fuck?? This is not going to happen! Where is Trick?? Surely there is a camera at home that we can get him to talk to us on. Trick??? Please man we need you! Blue needs you!

There is a camera at home. In the kitchen, you can see Trick, swaying back and forth as he stirs up satay noodles, singing to himself. Cavetown. Noodle swims around his legs, chirping happily and begging, and Trick leans down to give him a bit of his namesake, stroking his head, cheeks rosy.

Anonymous asked: oh trick baby if that camera's receiving messages i'm so sorry, i feel like you're about to get a lot of people yelling at ya

No worries, it isn’t. Trick doesn’t want to talk to you. He has Anti!

Anonymous asked: You hate circles? Then why are you perpetually going in them? Literally everything so far has been a circle! Same old same, every single day. Break them, they regain everything, break them again, they regain it all. Circles, circles, always and forever, Antisepticeye.

Anti scowls and crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, I’ve won both times, haven’t I? Be quiet, I’m about to turn you off. Trying to have a talk here, thanks.”

Anonymous asked: this time you made the circle yourself. you have become what you hate. good going, jerk.

“Good going, jerk,” repeats Anti, giggling. “Why - why is that so funny to me? Is that the worst you can think of to call me? Blue, can’t you think of something worse?”

Blue spits the flower out. “Dick-faced pig!”

“There you go.”

Anonymous asked: Marvin, I know you don't remember Jack, but he made you into more than just a magician. Magic or no magic, you are strong and you are clever, and you don't have to put up with this. Jack made you and your brothers to be actors but this isn't your only role.

Blue stares at you, his chest convulsing. Fuck, but he wants that to be true.

“Sappy,” critiques Anti, shoving you away.

asexualzucchini asked: Back off anti your time is up. They don't want to be with you

“My patience with this conversation is the only thing that’s up,” says Anti, throwing his knife up and catching it. “I’ve said my piece. You’ll think about it, Blue, won’t you? Well, you will, whether you want to or not.”

He snaps his fingers and the vines retreat towards his backpack. Blue gasps desperately and crumples to the ground.

“You want to stay here, fine, whatever,” says Anti, yawning. “I can get you back whenever I want to. Just sneak in here and possess you, or fake the signatures from the doctor for your release, whatever. And now I know every escape plan you were thinking about, so how about we just don’t bother? I’m in the camera out in your hall, through the hospital, etc, whatever, so running isn’t going to get you anywhere. Also, I’m the name on your insurance, and I could pull it at any time, so why don’t you keep that in mind. Me, I’ll just be chilling at home, finding my missing boys, Trick in my lap, adoring me… doesn’t sound too bad. You’ve accomplished nothing, Blue. But, uh, yeah. Have fun with your fish.”

He picks up the coloring book and chucks it at Blue, letting it flop against his chest.

“Wait a second, I skipped a message, hold on.”

bupine asked: trick, blue. a little while ago, the magicians who have dok arranged for a place to meet red and dapper. the church of santo domingo, by the skull of santa rosa. i don't know if there's a way you can get there, but if you can, you'll see dok again. he's pretty happy there, and would love to see you both again. especially you, chase. we don't know if red and dap will go, or at least red, but you guys would be safe with the magicians. if you can get there safely, of course

“Ah,” says Anti, very slowly, and lets his teeth click together for a second, closing his eyes. “Ah.”

A smile blooms like a crescent moon across his mouth.

“The Church of Santo Domingo. Yes, in Lima. We passed by it many times. I know exactly where it is. I know exactly where it is.”

His eyes open again. Smiling at Blue.

“Henrik is still in Lima.”

Anonymous asked: Okay with the acknowledgement that this is completely desperate and outright stupid on my part: NOODLE! I know you can't read but look! Blinky light! Come play with the camera! It's shiny and important and what a shame it would be if anything happened to it and Trick had to take it from youuuu

“Mrr?” Noodle leaps up onto the counter, looking at the camera in the corner of the ceiling, but Trick just laughs and scolds him, plopping him back on to the floor.

Anonymous asked: You call this winning? You're literally missing more than half the set, two of your so-called pets have almost regained themselves completely, you're full of magic that's killing you, and one of your only dogs is biting you every time he sees you. If you call this "winning" I find that hilarious.

Anti’s mouth twists. He crosses his arms over his chest and scowls.

“Your… ears blush?” coughs Blue, staring at him, wide-eyed. “You’re so physical now… you have real blood in you, don’t you?”

“Shut up!”

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: You act so big and strong but you only have 2 boys not even

“Sounds like I’ll find the others soon enough,” snarls Anti, hefting his backpack and stepping over Blue’s body. “I don’t have to talk to any of you, you know…”

“You can’t even handle c-cameras,” pants Blue. “Wait til it’s the five of us telling you you’re pathetic.”

Anti’s foot connects with his nose. Blue wails as blood pours out, clutching at his face and collapsing on to his side.

“Soon as you’re well enough to travel,” glowers Anti. “We’re heading back to Peru to get all three of your brothers.”

Anonymous asked: Anti you dumbass, leaving physical evidence. Blue, the doctors will know what happened now. Don't let him convince you he can "fix" this too, he literally broke your nose and beat you up.

“Vines are gone,” says Anti. “He’s obviously collapsed and busted his nose trying to get up too fast. Guest registry has Connor’s name on it, so by all means have him banned.”

“They’re right, though,” whispers Blue. “You will never make this right between us. Too much hurt, Anti. There are things the heart remembers.”

Anonymous asked: (This was still your magic, Blue... Can you reach out to it? Would it still know you? Something small, even?)

Anti opens the door, glancing back to him, perhaps just savoring the sight of him in pain. Blue stares back, salt and copper on his face, shaking.

His magic, his magic. His warmth and his strength and his sight and one missing piece of his shattered heart.

Flowers and flame, life and warmth, cupped like butterflies in his hands. Magic tricks for two small, dark-haired children. A bouquet of roselilies for Red to take on a date he doesn’t remember. Heating Dok’s numb hands between his own after a twelve-hour surgery. Weaving dandelions into Dapper’s hair. The protection of flame. Crocuses growing up through the floorboards.

Reach, Blue. Reach, Marvin. It’s yours.

His fingers unfurl. His eyes watch him go. He holds out his hand and tries to remember what it was to make it all move. His magic.

Nothing.

Blue crumples on the cold linoleum of the hospital floor, silent, and Anti is gone.

End Section Five of Chapter Three:  Two Truths and a Lie

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

bbgulrot i'm glad to learn these things about paganisms. i didn't know a lot of it and it's cool and helpful to me. the historical position/legitimacy/fame of jewishness is hugely dangerous for them so i wouldn't call it power in many spaces. but they are joining in on popular attacks on a vulnerable group

Thank you <3 and I’m so heartened, because its a thing I’m weirdly passionate about. I do a lot of irl work on trying to build real world pagan communities which share qualities with the things I see other faiths doing and which I admire - so I’m always bothered by people fundamentally excluding what I do from the definition of Actual Religions.

And it’s been a learning curve for me, realising how many ideas I have about “religions” are in fact things I know about Christianity. Two big ones are the concept of gods that are all-loving, all-powerful, moral arbiters, or with an interest in human beings; and religious organisations which want new members and welcome everybody.

As for your other point:

Yeah, it’s...I was thinking about this - as I usually do after making an effortpost - on and off throughout the afternoon, and trying to figure out how exactly I would phrase “your religion as an institution has political power, financial reserves and at least one country representing its interests on the world stage” in a way which wasn’t in the same part of the venn diagram with anti-semitism conspiracy theories. And I don’t think I can. As you say, the perception that Jewish communities are “powerful” has been weaponised against them to justify atrocities so...

...but I guess that comes back to people who talk a good fight about intersectionality being really resistant to examining what privileges they have in the context of a specific conversation! I learnt about Judaism at school in the 90s. Many major cities have a synagogue building. In some major cities, there are areas with a strong local Jewish community where you’re surrounded by neighbours who share your experiences. There is at least one entire country invested in your faith community and culture. When large scale Jewish community newspapers and advocacy groups weigh in on an issue, they tend to be taken quite seriously.

There isn’t a single pagan demographic that can say the same, let alone the Satanists specifically; I think there’s an established Asratu temple in Iceland that my husband talks about wanting his ashes taken to, and in the UK there are various places which recognise the presence of pagans - such as opening up Stonehenge on the Midsummer solstice. I don’t think pagans in the UK have so much as a community center or forest - there’s a couple of bookshops with a basement, the homes of community leaders, some permaculture projects run on a customer basis. We do not have the infrastructure or localised, generational community needed to support full-time clergy.

And the problem for Judaism is, I think, that it is quite powerful - sufficiently so that the dominant powers are able to depict it as a threat. The presence of a synagogue, or a mosque, or a temple - the physical occupation of space - can be a focal point for hate, enabling the construction of a “They are taking Us over” argument. Microfaiths are safe from that kind of dynamic, I suppose exactly like the complicated “safety” trans people had when nobody knew about them vs the modern “trans people are not only everywhere, they’re taking over” narrative which comes with prominence. There is safety in obscurity, and while Christian sorts will rail against demon-worship, they’re usually dismissed as cranks and it rarely translates into an actual threat for us. For minorities, to be seen is always a mixed blessing.

So it’s not necessarily about establishing, once and for all, which of these faiths has the “most” privilege, because it’s contextual. But it does require people of major world religions to have a care before implying their “ancient and legitimate” religion is more important than someone else’s sham joke-faith, or implying they’re experiencing disprivilege when another religion gets air time.

Like...I know more about Judaism than OP does about Satanism. That’s the imbalance here. Someone claiming that their religion is being spoken over, when I’d bet that if you deep-dove their archive they would not at any point amplify Pagans or Satanists specifically; someone complaining that Jewish voices aren’t being centered in a conversation about Satanic spirituality where - again - I highly doubt there is a single post where they talk about Satanic theologians, or are even aware that there could be such a thing; someone who’s so used to the ways in which they have been persecuted and disprivileged for who they are and what they believe, that they’re blind to the ways in which major world faiths can dominate and shut out tiny ones.

[iphisquandary]

i appreciate your post about isolation. do you have any guidance for someone whose only social connections are with people theyre not morally aligned with? these people make me feel bad about myself & ideally they wouldnt be the sort of people id talk to but besides them i dont have "friends" that i talk to/hang out with. i dont know what to do bc cutting off contact would cause a fallout & then id be left with no one to talk to. i feel stuck & wish i had real friends who made me feel good

Hi sorry for the delay in replying - I think it’s esp difficult right now to feel connected to ppl with the quarantine and everything going on. I wouldn’t advise cutting off all your social supports bc that will make you feel even more isolated. But I think it would be a good idea to start expanding your social circle more so that you can rely on those people less for your social needs. Obviously that’s not easy to do right now due to social distancing, but there are still opportunities to volunteer or go to online events. 

If you are religious in any way, there are churches and synagogues etc that have services online where you can meet people. If you identify as LGBT or a PoC there are organizations and support groups. I recommend trying to find ways to get involved or meet other people either online or safely distancing IRL. Also, to start making online friends by hanging out in spaces that have similar interests or views to you (i.e. subreddits about fandoms, issues or hobbies you have; following and engaging with tumblrs you admire, etc). You may also be able to sign up for online classes at your local community college on interests you have like crafts or art history or social justice and meet people. If you are currently working and have never really gotten to know your coworkers that’s an option.

I think once the quarantine is over and social distancing is gradually reduced it will be a LOT easier to meet people at events like book clubs or concerts or nonprofits or protests, etc. But yeah, I think if you start putting yourself out there more and meeting ppl with similar values or interests, hopefully over time you can make better friends and begin distancing yourself from your toxic friend group over time. In the meantime, online friends can help you vent and feel a little bit more supported and open even if it isn’t the same as IRL friends. Let me know if you ever want to talk : )

[amuseoffyre]

Crossing Paths - 994BC - Jerusalem

Notes: Yet another Bibbley story and as usual, playing a bit fast and loose with the precise dates, since no one is 100% sure of exactly when it allegedly all happened.

994BC – Jerusalem

 “Who’s this clown?”

Aziraphale jumped, startled. “Oh! Crawly!”

The demon gave him a curt nod, then jerked his head towards the throne on the far side of the crowded throne room. “What happened to Saul?”

“Ah…” Aziraphale winced. By Heaven’s standards, it had all been a rather embarrassing affair, but no one wanted to point out that the Almighty was the one behind all the policy decision. “Yes. Well… it… there was… well…”

“Hold on.” The demon squinted. “It’s the bloody harp player! That boy they brought in!”

Aziraphale blinked at him. “Excuse me?”

Crawly waved a hand emphatically at the man on the throne. “Him!” He snapped his fingers impatiently. “Oh… whatsisface… the one that got all cosy with Saul’s boy! You know! Slingshot boy!”

“You…knew David?”

“Knew him?” Crawly shook his head. “Nah. Heard him play a few times.”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened in horror. “You were the evil spirit sent to torment Saul?”

Crawly beamed at him. “Yeah! Must’ve done a good job of it if you heard about it.” He sniffed thoughtfully, then looked back at his throne. “Didn’t Saul have kids? How did lambchop over there end up stealing the shiny chair?”

Aziraphale cleared his throat self-consciously. “He’s… God’s anointed.”

“God’s anointed,”  Crawly echoed dryly. “You mean, just like Saul was God’s anointed, right up until he wasn’t?”

Aziraphale bristled. It was true, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. “You know Saul disobeyed the Almighty’s will.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Crawly circled around behind him, peering at the gathered crowd. “Had a barbecue too early, didn’t he?”

“Sacrifice!” Aziraphale protested indignantly.

Crawly made a face, wrinkling his nose. “Six and half a dozen, really. Dead beastie, toasted and, oh look, the Priests have a nice grilled steak for dinner.”

“That’s not– it’s a religious–” Aziraphale threw his hands up with a huff. “What are you even doing here?”

“Apart from annoying you?” The demon grinned. “Heard about the fuss out west. Thought I’d pop by to catch up on all the news. Give or take a couple of years of wandering east. D’you know they’ve made a wine from rice? S’bloody good stuff too.”

“A couple of–” Aziraphale shook his head with a sigh. “He’s been on the throne for years now. It’s hardly news.”

“Eh. What’s a dozen years and more between friends?” Crawly shrugged. “Wonder if he still plays.”

At that, a small smile crossed the angel’s lips. “I’ve heard he does. They say if you sit on the rooftops in the evening, you will hear his music across the city.”

“S’that so?” Crawly rocked on the balls of his feet. “Might need to stick around.” He flashed a grin at the angel. “Fancy a drink this evening?”

“I shouldn’t–” Aziraphale began, though it was awfully tempting after so long without company.

“Me either,” Crawly replied, leaning closer conspiratorially. “Gonna do it anyway.”

Aziraphale pursed his lips. “You are a terrible influence.”

Crawly snorted. “Obviously. Is that a yes?”

“Oh,” Aziraphale sighed with not entirely feigned reluctance. “I suppose I must. I’ll be at the synagogue shortly after sunset. I have some things to attend to before then.”

“Right-o.” Crawly gave him one of the stiff, formal bows of the locals and backed away out the nearest doorway.

“Idiot,” Aziraphale muttered ruefully, though whether he was talking about himself or the demon, he couldn’t be sure. He turned his attention back to the King’s court and the reports coming in from the siege of Rabbat Ammon.

By the time evening fell and all his duties were done, a pleasant calm had settled over the city. It was a warm evening and Aziraphale sat on the wall beside the synagogue gates, watching the sky turn from shades of blue to purple then red and gold.

The first stars were out when Crawly finally appeared, sandals slapping against the ground, a panicked look on his face.

“ Crawly?” Aziraphale rose at once. “Whatever’s the matter?”

Crawly held up his forefingers, panting hard. “First–” He doubled over, taking a deep breath, then straightened up. “Right. First off, wasn’t my fault. Total accident. No idea it was going to happen. Second… er… how happy was…” He waved Heavenwards. “I mean, Their first anointed was sent the way of the dodo. This one – good, bad, indifferent?”

Aziraphale’s heart sank. “What did you do?”

“Now, in my defence,” Crawly said, waving his finger. “I absolutely didn’t do anything.”

“ Crawly.”

“I’m just making it clear I wasn’t there with any instructions or–”

“ Crawly!” Aziraphale snapped. “What the Hell have you done this time?”

“I just wanted to listen to him playing!” The demon wailed. “How was I meant to know there would be some daft baggage having a bath on the roof next door?”

Aziraphale made a small, faint sound, remembering the occasion when Crawly had mentioned cows to the wandering Israelites below Sinai. “What exactly happened?” he demanded.

“He remembered me,” Crawly said, twisting his hands in his tunic. “I mean, he remembered scaring me off with his music. So he was playing and stuff and I was listening and then I noticed someone moving about on the roof and he came over to see what I was looking at.”

“Oh no…”

“Hey! I didn’t make him ogle her!” Crawly snapped. “Not my fault she had her…” He waved vaguely to his chest. “She should know better than to get her kit off when her building isn’t the highest one in the bloody city!”

Aziraphale sat back down on the wall, feeling rather queasy. “It– it might not be all bad,” he said with weak optimism. “I mean, a King needs wives, doesn’t he? Maybe it… perhaps it was the divine plan for him to see her?”

Crawly winced. “Ah. Yeah. About that…”

Aziraphale stared at him. “What?”

“She’smarried.”

“She’s…” Aziraphale swayed back on the wall. “Oh dear Lord…” He clasped his hands together, trying to think. “Well, if I head up there now, I can try and undo this mess…” He trailed off at the look on Crawly’s face. “…how much worse does this get?”

The demon fidgeted. “Um. Well. When I left… um… he was….” He cleared his throat. “Let’s just say he was… getting to know her. Very enthusiastically.”

“He literally saw her an hour ago!” Aziraphale wailed. “He’s a good and honourable King! What the Hell did you do to make him do… that?”

“Not me!” Crawly yelled back at him. “Absolutely not me! His Royal Perviness and little miss Peep-show did it all by themselves!”

“But he’s– he was anointed!”

“So was Saul! Didn’t stop him lobbing a spear at your boy’s head, did it?”

“You tempted him into that!”

Crawly looked momentarily abashed. “Yeah, but it was funny at the time! Bet you wish it’d hit him now!”

Aziraphale got up, walking back and forth as he tried to gather his scattered thoughts. “This is a disaster! The King, God’s chosen, a common adulterer?”

“Free will, angel,” Crawly said, tugging on the end of his belt. “S’what they do.”

Aziraphale nodded unhappily. “I… I suppose I could convince him to pretend it never happened, couldn’t I?”

“Worth a try,” the demon said, “unless… you know…” He drew a curve in front of his belly, then laughed dismissively. “But what are the chances?”

“Right. Yes.” Aziraphale nodded. “That’s what we’ll do. Tell him to make the necessary sacrifices and seek the Almighty’s forgiveness for this… momentary lapse in judgement.” He forced a bright, brittle smile. “Everything will be fine.”

  Several months later

The clay cup tapped on the wall beside the angel.

He looked down at it, then up at the person who had delivered it.

“Thought you might need that,” Crawly said, sitting down on the wall by him.

The night was cool, the stars sparkling across the sky, and the city was quiet.

Aziraphale picked up the cup and drained it, then held it out mutely. Crawly refilled it.

“Didn’t see that coming,” the demon said quietly.

“Mm.” Aziraphale gulped down the second cup. “My suggestion didn’t… go as planned. He – the husband – he was meant to come back and be with his wife and everyone would… assume it was his and everything would be…”

“Fine?” Crawly prompted.

The angel flashed a glare at him. “This isn’t amusing.”

“I’m not laughing,” Crawly pointed out. “You didn’t make any… other suggestions, did you?”

The angel shook his head. “I thought it would be enough.” He looked in the direction of the house of Uriah the Hittite. The wails and lamentations were still ringing from the new widow and her household. “I wanted to believe it was a coincidence.”

“I bet.” Crawly nudged him. “You sure he was behind it?”

“Oh, yes.” Aziraphale’s face twitched in a bitter impersonation of a smile. “I double-checked with…” He pointed upwards. “Apparently it’s…” – he exhaled shakily – “all part of the plan.”

Crawly hissed through his teeth. “Course it bloody is.” He leaned over and filled Aziraphale’s cup again. “How much time do you have?”

The angel shrugged. “Why?”

“Because we’re going to get you properly and utterly drunk.”

Aziraphale did manage a smile at that. “Perhaps,” he said, with considerably less reluctance. “Just this once.”

[dailyaudiobible]

02/15/2020 DAB Transcript

Exodus 39:1-40:38, Mark 1:1-28, Psalms 35:1-16, Proverbs 9:11-12

Today is the 15th day of February, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it's great to be here with you today fairly…fairly disoriented from the jetlag, but welcome to Rome. We’ll be spending the next…well…today and tomorrow here capturing some film and photography of some places associated with the apostle Paul and now the apostle Peter. That includes part of the Vatican and I’ve never…never been to Italy. So, welcome to Italy. We are in route to Tel Aviv and the annual Daily Audio Bible pilgrimage in the land of the Bible. So, as disoriented as it might be and sort of not…not…quite know where you are, what day it is, and where…what's going on and try to figure out the time difference back home and all that, it is a joy to be here and I'm sure that I can still read, I believe I can. And hey, this is this is kind of a special day. We concluded the book of Matthew yesterday. So, we’ve gone through the first of the Gospels, which means that when we get to the New Testament today, we will be beginning the gospel of Mark. And we’ll talk about that when we get there but first Exodus chapter 39 and 40. And we’re reading from the New Living Translation this week, which is today.

Introduction to the book of Mark:

Okay, like I said a couple minutes ago, we’re moving into some new territory today. We finished the book of Genesis in the Old Testament, now we finished the book of Matthew in the new and that leads us to the second gospel, at least in order and that is called the gospel of Mark. So, let's just understand what we’re reading. Mark, you may have noticed his name wasn't listed among the disciples that Jesus called to be his 12 because he wasn't one of them and he wasn't an apostle either, right? You ever hear anybody talking about the apostle Mark. He was actually more of a long-term disciple of the apostle Peter and we…we see him show up in the book of Acts. He's also known as John Mark and he lived in Jerusalem and it appears that he came from a fairly wealthy family. His mother's name was Mary and she had a big house and she had a servant named Rhoda. All this information is found in the book of Acts. And Mary was an early believer and so she opened her home to early believers. And, so, that's how the church formed and spread. There’s a church tradition holds that her home may have been the place of the upper room where…where the Holy Spirit was poured out on the early believers and where Jesus had His last supper. That’s a tradition but it’s been around a long time. So, Mark was around the faith all of his life even as a boy, even as it was beginning. He was like one of the people there at the beginning. So, the apostle Peter was captured by Herod. We’ll read that story later. And…and then he was going to be executed by Herod because Herod had put some other Christians to death and found that was seemingly pleasing to the people. So, he was planning to execute Peter too and an angel came and opened the…opened the gates and let Peter out from jail. And again, this is a story that we’ll read in the book of Acts. But why it's important is that Peter once he left the jail went to John Mark's house and Rhoda the servant girl came to the door and she saw him, and she slammed the door in his face because she thought he was a ghost or something. Meanwhile, the house was full of believers praying for Peter. So, that gives us just a little bit of background about who Mark is. So, we see that he's one of the first generation to grow up in the faith. He has a cousin whose name is Barnabas who was a dear friend of the apostle Paul. And Mark went with Barnabas and Paul on Paul's first missionary journey. So, he's got a pedigree and a church tradition holds that he…he later then became a servant or a disciple of Peter and traveled all over with Peter, even serving as an interpreter in Italy, especially in Rome. And, so, everywhere that Peter goes John Mark goes and everywhere the Peter goes, he tells the story of Jesus. So, John Mark has heard this story over and over, which would then in some ways make the contents of the gospel of Mark the testimony of Peter. And most…most scholars would agree that Mark wrote the gospel of Mark but also almost all scholars believe Mark to be the first written gospel of the account of Jesus ministry ever…ever written. And the gospel of Mark is a part of a grouping of three Gospels Matthew, Mark, and Luke and they are known as the synoptic Gospels because they are so similar, like word for word in some places. And, so, for…for centuries biblical scholars have known this, it’s not like a new discovery or anything. And, so, for centuries it's been assumed that Mark was the first gospel and Matthew and Luke knew of the gospel of Mark, had the gospel Mark, used the gospel of Mark in composing their own Gospels. And one other unique feature about Mark is…is the language. So, we’ll read it in English, and we might notice it being a little simpler but not that big of deal, but it like…it's…it's…it's very basic Greek. So, like…I mean this is an English program so I'm speaking English and you are able to understand English if you're listening to this and we would know the difference between say something written or spoken by an adult or something spoken in…in the vernacular and vocabulary of say a fourth-grader. That's basically what's going on in the Greek with Mark. It's not written all beautiful and all flowy and crafted with all the right words. It's very basic. I've even heard scholars describe it as clunky. So, that's a little bit of a flyover of this first gospel. And…and, so, now we enter the book of Mark with chapter 1 and we’ll read verses 1 through 28 but let's be aware that we’re probably reading the first telling of the life of Jesus.

Prayer:

Father thank You for Your word. Thank You for bringing us safely this far of the journey. Thank You for letting us come to the land that…that all of these stories that we’re reading happened in. Thank You for letting us bear witness and we open ourselves to all that You have for us in the land. Lord, for the…for the majority of us all around the world who aren't physically going to be traveling along, I pray that You would awaken something in their hearts as we talk it about each and every day as we share the places that we’ve been and where…what we've seen and what it felt like and what it looked like…and the pictures and the posts. I ask Father that You would bind us together in community as a go through this pilgrimage. We pray this in the name of Jesus our Savior. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website and home base for…for what's going on around here in the community.

And what's going on right now is our annual pilgrimage to the land of the Bible. So, here in Italy, in Rome today for the first time to…to actually capture some…some of the story that intersects here with Peter and Paul. We’re actually scheduled to go into a catacomb today that you have…have an archaeologist to get in there, but there are some…well…actually the earliest depictions of the apostle Paul, like the…the earliest kind of portrait that was painted on a wall, actually on the ceiling I believe, exists. So, yeah, we’re just kind of tracing some of this. We’ve worked hard over the years to try to bring context to the Bible because context is the thing that made the Bible start to make sense and matter. Just to kind of understand what was going on, it makes a difference…makes a difference to be able to see. It makes a huge difference to be able to visit, but it makes a big difference to be able to…to see. Like we were just reading in the gospel of Mark and Jesus is in Capernaum and He…He…He casts out an evil spirit from a person in the synagogue and it's like, yeah, that's there. Capernaum is there and there is a synagogue there and although it's a more recent synagogue from Jesus time, the…the foundation of it isn't. The foundation is the synagogue Jesus spoke in. And we’ll be visiting there in several days and posting pictures. So, like I mentioned a couple days ago I think, this is a really good time to follow the Daily Audio Bible Facebook page or at least be aware. Like it's Facebook.com/dailyaudiobible or our Instagram page Daily Audio Bible because all throughout this journey we’ll be posting these pictures. So, like just talk about Capernaum. When we go through there, we’ll be posting pictures and sitting right on the Sea of Galilee and it makes a difference to visit but it helps to see. These are real places. These are ancient real places where these things happened. So, anyway, it’s a…it's a good time to be aware of Instagram and…and Facebook for the Daily Audio Bible.

Then a week from today we’ll be broadcasting live. I need to get a little…I need to get my bearings before I can start talking about it. I know that it will happen like 7 PM local time and that's usually like noon back in Nashville, but I'll get that all squared away and let you know. That'll be…be next Saturday., So, yeah, just asking again and it won’t be the last time. I’ll continue to ask for…for the continued prayers over all of the efforts here. I mean…I’ve been…I’ve been…been here, I’ve seen these things and the reason that we continue to do this is because you…you can't…you can't see the Bible the same afternoon this. And it feels like the deepest calling and mission of my life to…to…do everything that I possibly can to help people never see the Bible the same again. So, although it's a wonderful joy it's a lot of work and there's all lot involved. And, so, we pray over those things, over the technology, over the travel, over the vehicles, over the people, over health, over whether. There’s just a lot of variables. And, so, thank you, as a community. We’ve done this every year. Thank you for your prayers.

Okay. I better get out here.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com and I thank you with all of my heart for your partnership. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request a comment you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi this is Lisa from Phoenix. I want to call in and put a prayer request in for my mom. She’s been a faithful listener for about three years. Her and my dad listened to this the Daily Audio Bible faithfully and did this together and two years, almost 2 years ago, God took him home. And that summer my mom went out and met Brian and Jill and it was like the best gift that you could’ve have given her is to meet to meet you guys because she has grown so much by listening to this Daily Audio Bible. And I’m so thankful. She’s been my rock cause since my dad passed away and she too has prayed for me and my kids and continues too and just lifts up my sister and her family. And she just has grown so much closer to God over the years especially after my dad passed away. And right now, her health is just not well. She is going to go in on Tuesday for an injection in her back to release the inflammation that is pinching a nerve down her right leg and she barely can walk, and she can’t take pain medicine right now and she’s in so much pain. That hides it. She even went to church yesterday and just worshiped God and it just brings me such great pleasure to watch my mom. So, please pray for Jackie. I love you mom and I hope this procedure works. And if not, God, I know you know the answer.

Hello, my name is Anna Beth and I him in Auburn Alabama. I was at church this morning and was just very convicted over the fact that I have not been faithful in sharing truth with my brother, my brother who does not follow Jesus. His name is Jay. And, so, I’m just calling to pray or to ask that you would pray for me and just pray that I would have boldness, pray that I would have a heart that breaks for my brothers lost soul, and pray that the Lord would use me as his vessel, although I’m a broken vessel and I’m week and that the Lord is powerful, the Lord is strong, and the Lord is the one who convicts and the Lord is the one who grows. And, so, I just ask that, yeah, the Lord would give me a boldness and the Lord forgive be a desire to share with my brother like never before. Yeah.

Hi Daily Audio Bible my name is Samuel and I’m calling in to ask for prayer for a court date I have tomorrow. I just needed to do one thing on Friday to be able to get reinstated back on probation after a self admitted relapse on drugs and alcohol this past holiday season. However, because of a of a social anxiety disorder that I have that I can control sometimes I was not able to do what they asked me on Friday. So, I have to go in front of the judge. The last time I got in front of this judge he did not believe that the social anxiety was true because…because I don’t have health insurance, I’m not able to get it specifically diagnosed and I wasn’t able to see a doctor this weekend. So, tomorrow I have to go in standing on faith and that believing that our God is truth and standing on the truth of what I’m dealing with. And I need Daily Audio Bible DABber’s prayer as I go into this tomorrow. My families interceding, my brothers in Christ are interceding, my serve and lead team are interceding for me that I have favor with the honorable judge of my County in the 292 district. Just please have me in your prayers. I trust that God will have me exactly where He needs me to be regardless of what happens. I just trust in His faith, faithfulness, faithfulness Lord. Thank you, Jesus and thank you DABber’s and thank you Brian. Let God bless you and protect you the rest of the week. Thank you.

Hi this is Victoria Soldier just calling to pray for some of the DABber’s. I wanted to pray for my precious sister Sharon who’s afraid that she’s gonna lose out on her daughter, that her oldest daughter and she’s getting ready to move. I want to pray for you Sharon and I want to let you know that God knows where you are no matter where you are and you don’t have to…she don’t have to go where you live but God will allow you all to meet face-to-face. Gracious Father, we praise you and we just praise you and magnify you to touch our sister Sharon. Oh Lord encourage her Lord, strengthen her Lord, help her to see her through your eyes. Help her to know you more and know you’re a God that can go more places than just her home. Oh Lord you can find her daughter on the street that she’s walking on one day and then you…He knows that you’re going to be there and you’re all going to meet face-to-face. Our God can do anything but fail. Don’t be afraid of any…of anything. Just be…just meet your eyes on Him. Oh, just begin to think about Him and think about what He can do. He’s a God can do anything. Lord you bless her. You bless that daughter to come home. Lord you regulate her mind, you convict that heart. You tell her let her come to herself like the young man like the prodigal son, let her come to herself instead of __ going to my mother. Oh Lord in the name of Jesus Lord you have your way. Lord I ask You to also touch Isaac Lord and You continue to bless him, continue to strengthen him Lord. Let that forgiveness begin to penetrate and begin to give him more strength even those who are going through anxiety, those who are going through depression. Oh Lord You have Your way in the name of Jesus, You, strengthen him Lord and continue to direct his path in the name of Jesus. Lord let him know that sometimes God takes care of us before we even know we need help. Just remember that He is God and He is not man. Oh Lord we just ask…

Hello, I’m calling anonymously tonight but I’m going to attach the name pink paint I think, so I have some type of reference. I’m an artist and I love the color pink and I’m reaching out because it feels safe to reach out to this community. I’m newer to the community. So, I just really need prayer. I’m feeling really helpless. And I’m reaching out…I’m just…God doesn’t…doesn’t just have the color pink on His pallet. He has red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, purple, white, black, brown, and then shades on top of shades on top of shades of those colors. And then when we get to heaven there’s going to be more colors we don’t even know exist, but that’s a whole nother conversation for another time. But I’m reaching out to all the colors on the pallet. I’m the color pink and I need the other colors to pray for me. Today is February 10th, it’s my birthday. I’m turning 43 today and it’s…I’m…it’s been one of the hardest times of my life and I just need prayer. God bless you all. I’m praying for you all. Thank you.

DAB family this is Laura in South Florida. I am so grateful for this program for being able to be involved with listening to God’s word every single day with all of you. Thank you, Brian, Jill, China, everyone who’s involved in producing this program to get it so we can hear it all over the global community. I am praying for all of you Brian as you travel to the promise land, all of you who will be making this pilgrimage and will be walking where Jesus walked and see where this history is made. I also will be traveling to Rome to see my grandson during is…the same time you’re traveling. But I am praying for each of you every day. I am praying…with you in heart, and spirit, and I’m praying for safety as you travel for the Lord’s blessings to be on you, for you to come home with a renewed sense of…of God in your life. And I’m thanking you Father God for this opportunity for everyone and I pray blessings and Your Holy Spirit to guide every word, every step, as they travel and bring them all home safely. Thank you, Father for Your holy word in Your precious name I pray.