#but yeah genuinely been enjoying reading everyones opinion on the matter

[oifaaa]

Bruce should kill the Joker because he created the Joker. Batman is the one that chased him into ace chemicals which resulted in him falling into the acid and the Joker is obsessed with Batman. We’ve seen (at least in one DC movie) that the Joker just stops being the Joker when Bruce dies. Could this all have happened without Batman? Yes and then it would be someone else’s problem but right now Joker is a monster of Batman’s creation and he should be the one to end him.

On your same logic should it also be on Joker's parents since they also created him, or maybe on the government / social systems since they were the ones that failed joker to begin with and made him turn to a life of crime ? If anyone has the legal right in America to kill the joker it would be the criminal justice system so why dont they sentence joker to death? Bruce hands joker off to the local authorities every other week shouldnt it be their responsibility at that point to keep joker incarcerated until he can be deemed no longer a threat to himself and others? And just bc one dc movie said joker would stop after Bruce dies doesn't mean that always happens especially with how dc keeps insisting there are multiple jokers- does Bruce have to kill all the jokers or just the one he personally spooked off the side of a platform by accident? I don't totally think you can blame Bruce for joker being as insane as he is since harley took the same dip and she still redeemable, and I don't think it should be on Bruce to compromise his morals just to kill a clown that literally several other people can kill - and I know " "ohh but Bruce gets in the way" then don't tell batman about it don't invite batman to your execution of the joker don't let him find out when Bruce's no kill rule is at its maximum (bc writers can't decide how extreme it should be) he can't let anyone die if he knows about it so just be sneaky and don't let him know

[afreakingdork]

I saw you were doing small requests if we proved we voted for Hassan/Mikey, so here's my proof! I was wondering if you could do something with Leo, since we don't see nearly enough Leo x readers out there. I was thinking maybe a best-friends to lovers thing where they keep trying to one up each other with playful flirtation, but it becomes real in the end, followed by a confession and a kiss? Xxx

Writing Request: Reader x Leo First Kiss 😘

Thank you kindly for doing your part! I hope you're enjoying all the content and please tell your friends! Let's push back in this comp!

From now until the poll closes, if you can prove to me that you voted Hassan/Mikey in this poll then I will do any short story writing request like the one below or draw you any doodle of your choosing!

ᴰᶦˢᶜˡᵃᶦᵐᵉʳ: ᴵ ᵃᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶦⁿ ᵃⁿʸʷᵃʸ ᵃˢˢᵒᶜᶦᵃᵗᵉᵈ ᵒʳ ᵉⁿᵈᵒʳˢᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒᵐᵖᵉᵗᶦᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᵒʳ ᶦᵗˢ ᶜᵒⁿᵗᵉˢᵗᵃⁿᵗˢ.

We got some cutie all ages fluff down here, folks!

"And that's when you go in for the kiss!"

Leo had a fist to his lip's and nodded as if this conversation was of the utmost importance.

The random man in question who had approached you while you were hanging out with your best friend was none the wiser. You weren't sure where he had come from, but had interjected himself into your conversation without warning. He had some ripe opinions on romance that apparently couldn't wait for people he knew. Instead of running, Leo had been prompting him for the sake of it and sending you more and more exaggerated looks each time the man looked away.

"What about consent?" Leo asked.

The man reared for a moment before he thought which part. "At which part? We haven't gotten past first base."

"You gotta ask if you're going to kiss someone." Leo spoke with a firmness that you read as genuine.

"The mood!"

"Don't start." Leo shook his head.

"It ruins the mood." The man insisted.

"It does not." Leo waved him off for the first time.

"It does! You think your lady friend is going to still wanna smooch after you interrupt leaning in to ask permission!? That's not manly!"

"Manly, huh?" Leo's mask quirked with his brow. "Also, just lady friends?"

He glanced at you.

You chewed your lip and glanced away to not laugh.

"Ah, man friend, lady friend. Whatever friend! It doesn't matter!" The man huffed. "It's all the same in the eyes of love."

"Consent is hot, that's all I'm saying." Leo shrugged.

"Ah!" The man grunted and turned. "You don't get it! Oh! I bet they do!"

You both watched as the man jogged off at the next unsuspecting group of people.

"Well then!" Leo put his hands on his hips. "I never!"

He held the haughty pose until a giggle finally broke free from you and he slumped to your side.

"That was something." You told him.

"You know I really like conversations like that." Leo stuck a leg out to walk.

You followed his lead with solider-like attention. "Yeah? Seemed a bit like you were teasing him."

"Me!?" He gaped sarcastically at you before his features went lackadaisical. "Making something a gag is second nature. I really do I swear."

You thought for moment. "Okay... Why?"

"Why?" He digested the question and looked up at the buildings. "Let's see. People are interesting. They've got all these opinions and they're wild! Everyone is so different and they'll try to ask these questions about you, but they don't really want to know, but I do. Like I already know me; I want to know about them!"

It gave you pause and you thought back. In all the time you had known Leo, he had been like that. If you ever asked him something as simple as his favorite color, he would somehow turn the conversation around on you until you were matching shades in some sun room that you were going to retire in.

He made you feel like the center of the world and you loved him for it. He was bright and whip smart, but he also had an undeniable loneliness. He never let it get to him, but it made you want to get closer. You pushed to get his number after meeting him. You made sure to text him if a little too much time had gone by. You made future plans with him always included.

You became the best of friends before you even knew it.

Leo said yes to pretty much everything, even when his schedule was packed. it was his eagerness of companionship and just that he was generally a good friend, even if you found yourself mortified around him often. His wit and penchant for a bit meant that if you said the slightest thing wrong that he would hone in on it. It was further sharpened to a knife having had three brothers and because of it you had built a repertoire of inside jokes.

He was special and even just taking a walk with him on a day like today would be a highlight of your week.

"I see it." You eventually said.

"What'dyou think?"

"About what?" You glanced at him and the way the sunlight played on his barely shielded green skin.

"His pitch! That love guru's plan of attack. How to woo your lady, not lady friend."

A smile played on your lips. "Set the mood. Sure, that's good, but when's a mood, right? That's always a question."

"Exacty!" Leo threw a demonstrating hand to you. "Like is it being alone. We're alone right now?"

"Not really a mood?" You looked around.

"Should it be dark? They say those steak houses have romantic lightening when you can't even tell which fork your grabbing."

You laughed knowing what he'd say next.

"I'm telling you!" He pressed with the same knowledge. "They do it so they can give you lower cuts! That's why I always bust out the ole phone flashlight!"

"They do not!"

"I swear I ordered a rib eye but they served me flank. Flank!"

"The horror!"

"But yeah, okay so not the lights."

"Because I totally confirmed that."

"Okay, come here then."

You did so without hesitation.

"Okay, let me just..." He reached behind him to tug his hoodie off.

You watched on.

His chin caught. "Hold on." He squirmed to pull one arm through. "Hold!" It got trapped against the points of his plastron. "Wait, Wait!" His head disappeared down into the hole and you watched the blue fabric writhe.

There was no way he could see you, but when your hand came up to help he immediately scolded.

"Don't you dare! I've got this!"

You weren't sure if it was a bit or not, but that was Leo and he was nothing if not amusing.

"I got it!" In one hands to the ceiling move, his hoodie came off. "Check it!"

He flexed in his average looking t-shirt. "Very attractive."

"Thank you!" He told you with a point of his beak. "Alright, now cloud cover..."

He waved you over to a wall and you followed.

He looked you over a few times before he caged you in so he could hold the hoodie above both of you to block the light.

You stared at his red stripes in their proximity.

"Dark, how are we feeling?"

"Not really a mood."

"It's not a mood!" He cracked a grin. "We're already at the next factor."

"Oh?"

"Closeness. He said that thing about how both people realize they're a little too close and kissing is inevitable."

"Cause if that was true we would have kissed a bunch of times."

"Right?!" Leo clucked. "The Twister incident? That time I hit you with that little trashcan. Oh, oh! When you were demonstrating the banana thing and actually fell."

"That middle one..." You narrowed your eyes.

"An accident, I swear." He looked dire.

"I still think the banana was cause of the floor."

"Sure." Leo drew out the word.

You pinched the tail end of one of his stripes which also happened to be his cheeks.

He smiled all the more. "Alright then. Is that it? We've eliminated everything. Total bunk. That guy doesn't knowing a thing about romance."

"Yeah! Moods? Like what even is that?"

"Like cuddling on the couch?" Leo gagged.

"Running through the rain?" You added.

"Yeah, because I totally want to make out when I'm soggy!" His eyes rolled.

"Your clothes stick together!"

"You have to peel apart!" He shuddered and the hoodie shook as your umbrella.

You reached up on instinct to steady it right as one of the sleeves fell.

"Nice catch."

"Call me champ."

"No, I'm champ."

"You're champion."

"Your champion?" His mask waggled with his brow ridge.

"You can't count that! It was a bet."

"Oh yeah, what was last week when I got you that ice cream?"

"I was trying to be nice to you."

"Only trying?"

"You make it so easy."

"I do. I'm a great guy. Amazing friend. Easy on the eyes."

"The face of disaster. Person I would vote least likely to make a typo in front of because he will never let you live it down."

"I give you my life and my time!" He bemoaned.

"And I appreciate it."

He gave you his best puppy dog eyes. "Do you? You're just saying that. You totally said you were just saying that."

"No, you're the light of my life."

"In that voice? Maybe I'm the light from one of those nightlights that are automatic, like the kind that turn off as soon as you turn the real lights on."

You squared yourself and looked straight into his eyes.

He startled and gave you owlish attention.

"Leonardo Hamato. You are the most important thing to me. You appeared in my life and I made sure you were part of it and at some point you became someone I can't live without."

"Oh." The vowel popped out dull.

You were flooded with a wave of worry.

Had that been too much?

It was true.

You cared about Leo.

He made you laugh.

He made you smile.

He made you a priority.

You did the same with him.

It must have been all the romance talk.

He might have misconstrued the whole thing.

Certainly none of that meant anything more.

With the steam still trapped in your cheeks you met his eye.

He was staring the same intensity.

You shared it a little coy before you decided to face it head on.

You set your jaw and returned the full brunt of your certainty in the matter.

He blinked a single time. "Wanna make out?"

Your eyes went as wide as they could.

"Wait, that came out wrong!"

"Are you kidding me!?" You squawked.

"I said it was wrong! Let me-!"

"That's your idea of consent?!" You tugged the hoodie down.

Since he had his own hold on the fabric it pulled his arm.

Which pulled his shoulder.

Which pulled him closer.

You were inches away. "That guy was right! It does ruin a mood! 'Wanna make out?' Leo, what-?!"

He dropped a little lower and your heart spasmed.

He dipped down so he could look up at you through his lashes.

His gaze liquefied your insides on contact.

He held your gaze for a few calculated moments before he leaned up enough that the heat of his breath warmed your lips.

"I'm sorry. I meant, may I have the pleasure in kissing you?"

You closed the gap.

The hoodie dropped down around you for privacy.

You lost your vision and for a moment it was just you and him.

A tiny version of the world that you didn't mind.

Then, you parted.

Within the confines you heard the smack and felt the way your mouths were both open and ready for another.

"Like..." Leo licked his lips audibly. "Like that. You do it like that."

"If you tell me that was a bit I'm never talking to you again." You whined without an ounce of heat.

"I swear... Kiss on it?"

You tugged him right back to you and he smirked against you.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Your blog is my guilty pleasure lol, it's so validating to read your very matter of fact rebuttals after years of being talked over & down to in the fandom. Being in the fan space & hearing the way people talked about how much more "female gaze coded" Z/tara was made me feel like I was betraying other women by not liking Zuko or Zutara the way "real mature" women did.

Funniest thing is, when i watched the show as a kid as an older sister, someone with talent/skills that nobody else understood, a girl who felt she had to be mature all the time, Kataang instantly became my otp. Katara was living my dream of a fun, cute boy sweeping me off my feet, telling me I was special and going on a magical journey with me-- I had the HUGEST crush on Aang as a little girl. It was so lame growing older and hearing near constantly from the fandom how stupid and unbelievable the idea that Katara actually had feelings for Aang was, and how it's a "male" (aka: bad) fantasy, when honestly Zuko's angsty ass was far from dream boyfriend material in my opinion it made me feel gaslit fjhdidjskj.

Genuine Z/tara fans are fine, I totally get the appeal of the red/blue enemies to lovers sparks fly ship, but the meanest and loudest of your crewmates and the way they act like their tastes are the Correct ones has been just. ridiculous for many years. And why do those types always feel the need to start the conversation by bashing Kataang every single time?? I started with a positive opinion of their ship when I entered the fandom as a teen, even liked a few arts and whatnot as a "what-if," but all the nonsense has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

So yeah, thanks for this space to complain about the experiences we've had lol. I've had one too many conversations about ATLA & how good it is interrupted with the other person going "well except for the Main Romance, that was shit and Z/tara should have been endgame" not to be Worn Out. Like if in their opinion the show is *perfect* except that One thing.... maybe the problem lies elsewhere?

Yup, that's definitely a pattern I noticed: zutarians are SO many and SO loud, that even though a pretty large part of the fandom disagrees with their takes (regardless of enjoying the canon ships or not) most of them just... didn't talk about it because they didn't want to be harrassed or talked down to or be hit with the "well, we are the majority therefore we're right" argument.

It's part of why I was innitially shocked at how much support this blog got. I thought I just gonna be in my own little bubble of the fandom, but nope, I got sooooo many messages of "FINALLY! Somebody said it!"

And looking back, I should've noticed something was off. There's a reason ATLA's ending was not one of these disasters that basically nukes and kills 90% of the fandom and live in infamy as one of the worst falls from grace ever, How I Met Your Mother style, even though both shows had the fan favorite ship not end together.

It wasn't just that one was well-written and the other wasn't (though that clearly affected the audience and critical reception of these endings, both at the time and through the decades).

HIMYM was a case of "The actual endgame ship was loathed by nearly everyone while the rival pairings were almost universally beloved."

ATLA was a case of "70% of the fandom likes this ship - of these fans, 25% are multishipers that also like the canon ships, 25% only like the ship in fanfic but don't actually want it to be a thing, 25% loves it but can accept it not being canon at point because they acknowledge it'd be rushed, and the 25% are the ones that would burn down Bryke's house if they could, so in reality only a fraction of the fandom didn't accept the Kataang/Maiko endgame, while the overwhelming majority was either happy about it or indifferent to it"

And that's without taking into account that Avatar got new popularity boosts through the years that lead to plenty of people that had Zutara being hyped up for years being disappointed when they realized "Oh, it was popular because of fanon shit, not because it actually would have made sense story-wise" or people who reached that same conclusion after rewatching the show.

I think that's why Zutarians have such a victim complex and want to pretend Bryke and Kataang/Maiko fans are "oppressing" them - they've been dominating the conversation for years, and not only got no results out of it, they're now losing that "leverage" too. They're no longer in an echo-chamber, they need to use actual arguments that make sense if they want their opinion to be almost universal and they just can't do it because their ship was never that good to begin with.

[dazed--xx]

⚠️Love Is Gone..⚠️

Summary: I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me. I know that your love is gone. I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy. Don't tell me that your love is gone…..That your love is gone

Member: Han Jisung x Reader

T/W: ANGST!!!!!!!!!!!!, hate comments, distant partner, mentions of depression, mentions of anxiety, assault, recording of an assault, hate speech. Cursing, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, Crying, Feeling alone, happy-ish ending, etc

Word Count: 2.5k

A/N: ❗!!!!!THIS STORY IS TRIGGERING. I USED MY ACTUAL HISTORY WITH DEPRESSION FOR THIS ONE SO THERE IS AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!!!!!!!❗this is the only authors note I'm making on the playlist please read this. I'm adding this story because a break up is not the only form of heartbreak you could experience. I added the mature tag because of the themes in this. This is an important story for me and this song genuinely inspired this story. No matter what member I used for this song this was going to be the story so any members name could have been used for this one. I felt Jisung fit the story so well though I love this quokka and he deserves an impactful first solo story on my master list. I struggled to not cry while writing this so let's see if you can hold back tears while reading it. After every thing they go through they deserve a happy ending I needed to give them one😭😂 but please comment your thoughts. I love your opinions and I respond to almost everyone. Anyway please enjoy the angsty goodness.

Don't go tonight, Stay here one more time.Remind me what it's like, oh…And let's fall in love one more time, I need you now by my side. It tears me up when you turn me down

“Do you have to go?” you question hesitantly, nibbling on your bottom lip as you watch Jisung put his coat on. “Yes, I already told you that, Y/N” He sighs, almost sounding annoyed. You pout, staring at your interlocked hands. “Yeah, you did sorry…” you trail, trying to maintain your composure at your boyfriend's reluctance to be around you “Don't wait up” He calls as he makes his way out of the door. The moment you hear the ‘click’ of the lock you allow the tears you had been holding back to flow down your cheeks.

For weeks now, Jisung had grown distant; during comeback and award season it was unfortunately a normal part of your relationship. But, you had always been able to maintain a conversation with him if something was bothering you. Except for some reason this comeback season, the first since you and Jisung had announced your 1-year relationship, was different. While, both you and Jisung had expected some backlash, things seemed to be easier for Jisung than they had been for you. You have received many snarky and rude comments about how unfit for Jisung you were.

Your hair is too dry and straw-like.

You are too fat.

You are too unimportant.

You wished to tell your boyfriend as soon as these comments flooded your social media. He had warned you to turn your comments off and avoid social media for a while, but you didn't listen figuring you could deal with a couple of mean comments. However, as time went on you wished you had listened as the comments got worse and worse.

Kill yourself slut

Jisung deserves more than some useless bitch as his girlfriend!!!

She's so disgusting clearly she's a gold digger, I wish someone would just get rid of her!

She is such a cunt, I hope she kills herself soon…

You broke down the first time you had read those comments. You couldn't understand what you had done wrong by falling in love. You first tried to bring it up 2 weeks ago. They had finished filming the music video for their latest single. He had come home; energy high, he radiated from the adrenaline. He froze when he saw you seated on the couch tears streaming down your face. You looked at him startled. “ what's wrong?” He questioned as he rushed over to your side taking your face in his hands. “You're home early…” you mutter the only words that could be released from your mouth in your vulnerable state. Little did you know those three words would trigger and argument and the hate comments were left forgotten. After that day you tried to ask him to talk but he would zoom out of the house and that's when the loneliness set in.

You felt pathetic

You dreaded every morning you opened your eyes. Questioning why you were still here. You slowly realized your level of insignificance. Breathing hurt, a physiological natural event felt wrong. While you know the act of breathing didn't hurt physically, it hurt emotionally. Every morning you lay in bed, not bothering to pull yourself out unless you had to go to the bathroom, or to drink water. Sleep didn't stop most days, Jisung spent most of his days working until well after you'd fallen asleep. You rarely saw him, these days.

If you hadn't run out of feminine products you'd have spent another full day in bed, but as those familiar cramps continue to wreak havoc on your uterus you trudge your way to the store. You were grateful for the large hoodie that helped shade your eyes from the blinding sun as you crossed the street. You continue on your way, you pout to yourself as you see the influx of hate comments while you check to see if Jisung had responded to your inquiry of if he needed anything from the store. Nothing… you sigh to yourself as you pass a group of about 5-6 girls as you make your way into the store.

You hear them murmuring to themselves as you make your way down the aisles. You scan the pads when you feel a dainty finger tap your shoulder. Giving the person a side glance you raise an eyebrow. “Hmm?” you hear a petite soft voice call to you “Um excuse me are you Y/N?” she questions in a sickeningly sweet way. You get a sinking feeling in your gut.

Run…Run as fast as and as far as you can

your conscience screams at you but your feet are glued to the floor as you stare at the girl like a deer in headlights. You struggle to find words as a devious grin grows on the girl's face. Two girls begin to come up behind her, you step to turn the other direction only for two more girls to block your escape as they creep towards you. The girl who approached you first now has her phone pointed in your direction as she begins to question you “Why is someone as dirty as you near Jisung oppa?!” She growls as the girls crowd around you. They shout profanity at you as you stare at the ground, murmuring apologies for your relationship not wanting to insult your boyfriend's fans. The last thing you wanted to do was embarrass him further.

“Look at her! She's so pathetic” the ring leader instigated “She's just standing there like an idiot!” she growls before sending her free hand flying across your face. You feel a sharp sting on your cheeks as you attempt to push past two of the girls. They send you flying roughly against the shelves behind you. You whimper in pain mumbling another apology begging them to let you go as they unleash a flurry of hits and kicks on you. They laughed as they told you how pathetic you are. You tried to protect your face by curling up in a ball. You drowned out their insults, holding in your tears and words until they were finished. They walked away in laughter as you groaned in pain rolling on the ground for a moment. You pull yourself off the ground grab your pads and limp your way to the counter. The cashier stares at you with concern in his eyes, “Ma'am do you need me to call the police?” he questions. A sense of pity and worry settles over him as you shake your head “N-No..I don't want this to be a big thing. I'm okay” you state blankly, putting your money on the counter you grab your pads and rush out of the store. You hold onto your ribs as you limp your way into the alley beside the store.

Pressing your back against the wall you wince at the contact you collapse to the ground. You bury your face in your hands. You sob harshly, your body trembling as you allow the tears to stream down your cheeks. You hiccuped as you pulled your phone from your pocket. You dial Jisung’s number, you waited trying to catch your breathe. One, two, three rings “We’re sorry the number you have dialed—” you end the call holding the phone to your chest you allow your sobs to shake your body. Dark thoughts beginning to take over when your flurry of calls go unanswered.

You're so pathetic, Jisung won't even answer your calls. You're worthless, You're nothing, You just want to die. you should die….Life is too hard. It's over what's the point anymore? The entire world hates you…. I give up…

With final resolve, you open your conversation with Jisung and begin typing.

I'm sorry, I wish I could have said goodbye properly. I love you please remember that. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you deserve. I wish things weren't like this. I'm weak. It's all too hard. I can't handle it anymore. It feels like I'm in open ocean and I'm so close to drowning. I'd can't do this anymore. Please don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault I just wasn't strong enough. I'm just pathetic. I hope you can forgive me one day. I'm so sorry. I love you. Goodbye…

You hit send before turning on Do Not Disturb. You slowly limp toward the park. You felt numb as you stared at the ground, you come upon the walking bridge. You stand in the middle of the bridge, you watch the water. You had heard somewhere that the most calm-looking water was the most dangerous. You pull yourself onto the banister. Taking a deep breath you lean forward.

I'm begging please, just stick around; I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me I know that your love is gone….

The moment Jisung read your message an uneasy feeling settled over him. He didn't even think before he was dashing out of Chan’s studio and the recording they were currently doing. He called you in a panic; his anxiety growing worse and worse at your failure to answer. He felt his throat closing as he ran in a frenzy out of the JYP building ignoring his member's worried calls of his name. Quickly pulling up the Find My Phone app he sees you at the park nearby. He ran faster than he ever has before getting to the park in no time. He looks around for a moment. He spots you standing on the bridge. He clutches his chest relaxing as he sees you standing there, staring at the water below. He breathes a sigh of relief as Chan and Changbin catch up to him he continues to catch his breath as Chan questions him. All three men are caught off guard as you pull yourself up onto the banister. Jisung's eyes widen as he rushes toward you. “Y/N!!” His voice is pained, your head turns to face him. Chan and Changbin running behind their friend worriedly.

“Baby! Please, stop!” Jisung's voice cracks as he reaches the end of the bridge. Your eyes meet his, Only then can he fully see you. Your eyes were bloodshot, tears streaming down your cheeks. Bruises littered your face. Dried blood speckled all over your hoodie. Your appearance sent Jisung into shock he stared at you wide-eyed “I'm sorry…” you whisper to him as you let go. Jisung's world crumbles as you disappear from his sight. He dashes to where he last saw you. “Y/N!!” He cries his voice hoarse as his legs give out from beneath him. Chan wraps his arm around Jisung and guides him to the floor holding him close he allows the younger man to cry to his heart's content as Changbin assists the paramedics in finding you. He never imagined this would happen. You, the only other person besides Felix, that was the definition of sunshine. Jisung felt numb as Chan held onto him as he replayed his last moment with you in his head.

I'm sorry! don't leave me! I want you here with me! I know that your love is gone….I can't breathe! I'm so weak! I know this isn't easy! Don't tell me that your love is gone…

When the video of your assault surfaced the day after your attempt; Jisung felt sick to his stomach. He hates himself for not being there with you. After watching the video over and over, he finally decided to check your phone. When he was able to charge the device Jisung could feel a wave of nausea crash over him as an influx of disgusting hate messages and comments came through. He stared at your unconscious figure, he held your hand tightly as he cried “I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry… I didn't know. I'm sorry I was too late.” he pressed his forehead to your hand “Please…please wake up. I'll do anything. Please don't let go, I know you feel alone, but you have me. Please don't leave me behind, without you I'm nothing…” his breathing grows heavier, tears cascading down his face. “I love you so much. I need you—I need you, baby, I can't keep doing this. I need you so much right now. Please wake up….Don't let me lose you, not like this. I'll fix everything…I'll show you how much you mean to me, please!” He exclaims he can't handle the expressionless look on your face. He was grateful you were no longer pale though.

It took three more weeks before you opened your eyes. your head pounded as Jisung muttered something under his breath. “W-what?” you choked out, your voice sounding coarse and scratchy. Jisung's eyes widen as he stares at you at the sound of your voice. He collapsed to the floor as tears built in his eyes, he sobbed harshly “T-Thank you! You're awake! You're okay!” his body trembled as he reached for your hand. You stare at him your face void of any emotion as he cried you pulled your hand away from his as if his contact burned you.

You saw his expression fall as he shook his head in denial “N-No..” He states in disbelief as he meets your eyes. “P-Please I—Where were you?…” you cut him off with heartbreak and disappointment in your tone. Jisung whimpers at your question. “I'm sorry, I-I should have—I didn't realize, okay? I'm so sorry, please don't pull away from me..” he stammers his apology causing your heart to clench. “I don’t want to see you right now…” you whisper. You hear the most heartbreaking sob erupts from Jisung’s chest. “No, please! I should have been there for you. I should have done more but I can't lose you When you jumped I felt like my entire world was falling apart. You were so close—I was right there. I should have answered your calls. I should have noticed something was wrong. I'm sorry okay? I'm so sorry. There's nothing I could be more sorry about but please I can't—I can't lose you. I don't want to be without you please let me fix this..” he begs his eyes not leaving yours once.

“Jisung…”

“Please. I'm sorry okay? I'll say it forever if I have to. Please I want you right here, next to me, always. I know it's hard but we love each other. I can make you love me again. Please….please don't hate me. I know I messed up but please don't break me too…I can't handle the thought of losing you let alone it actually happening. Please stay with me?” he pleads his eyes filled with hope as he holds onto your hand. “I'll never let you feel alone again I promise. You'll always have me. I'll give you the world if you ask for it. I'll spend the rest of my life making up for this please let me…” He begs, his voice cracking between sniffles. You stare at him, your heart yearning for him. You feel your resolve crumbling as he continues to cry. You caress his cheek, staring into his eyes. He looks at you hopefully, melting into your touch. “Please just, Don't tell me that your love is gone…i wouldn't be able to handle that.” he whimpers. You give him a sad smile, caressing his cheek. You lean in pressing your lips against his softly.

⏪|⏸️|⏩

Taglist: @yangbbokari @havenwithleeknow

[terraco-07]

HSBC direction and character writing

So the team has released the writer's commentary early to the public most likely because they know how inflammatory the last update is/has been and wanted to get the reasoning behind it out there. Going to be going through it piece by piece here. Disclaimer: None of my opinions and thoughts are directed at the people as individuals and any criticism is directed at the writing itself. With that said, lets start off. Haven saying “this is the update where we’re gonna see if people are really rockin’ with us or not.” Lmao yep and I can assure you that I'm not one of them. I think we're seeing the end results though of a years bleeding fandom here though. Most people who enjoyed Homestuck either didn't read the epilogues or HS2 because they knew it was something they wouldn't like and didn't care for the direction of taking away the kids victory and giving them some new battle to fight while hurting each character. Those remaining are primarily people who are curious, neutral, or liked the official releases after Homestuck ended. Among them I'm sure a fair amount have liked this because this is already a work catered to them and what they want for better or worse. Anyways, moving on. So the next part just goes over everyone liking Yiffy and her getting a voice and all that, not much to comment on here. Which is a non issue except still making Rose and Jade call their kid a type of porn and keeping that was such a choice, but hey silly candy timeline right? Okay moving on to the conversation that matters. Okay starting with Floral: "Kanaya has long earned this confrontation and she’s not going to accept anything less than the truth." JAMES: This is the funniest line in Homestuck. This is so fucking funny because she gets cut off half way through and then the you fucked my wife being memed to hell in back both took any bite out of it and visibly made me cringe to read. Kanaya is mad here but there are other ways to write it. Would have loved to see a rant about "If you loved me so much Jade why would you betray my trust? Why would you not speak to me. Now you choose to spit in my face like this?" Etc etc. I may genuinely re-write every Kanaya part in this log at some point. I did do an alt version already but that's neither here nor there. Compliments for the art which deserve it! BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP GOING "Pretty art" AND EXCUSE BAD WRITING. I've had to read "I'm just using it as a picture book" and "I skipped through the logs" way too fucking much. JAMES: This one was for the sapphics. The most important demographic that exists. ... saying this while obliterating the biggest endgame sapphic romance? But hey guys!! Kanaya's hot right? This makes it all better :) Especially considering compared to Homestuck proper the epilogues and HS2 have just felt actively hostile towards sapphics FLORAL: This scene is also only one small part of the larger puzzle, bridging between what already existed in HS2 to what we want to do deeper into HS:BC. A puzzle that most of us aren't going to want to figure out. The question of if something is bad for the first 500-1000 pages is it worth consuming will always be no. Also points of expanding the border of Homestuck 1 BUT WE NEVER GET TO SEE THIS. I'm going to hit more on this later but Rose specifically there's so little or no direct foundational build up to her current character choices.

MILES: Yeah, seriously.  I felt viscerally going in that it was really important that Kanaya get some time to just be a stone cold bitch, both in the context of this particular marital fuck-up and in general.  She deserves it. So I'm on my hands and knees begging you guys to learn how to write badass powerful women that doesn't involve them just getting angry because their wife cheated. Hands and fucking knees. This goes for any writing in general but if you have to develop a character through purely negative experiences I'm not sure you should be writing. This whole entire scenario with Rosemary is such a cheap drama soap opera point to begin with (like a lot of HS2). Why can't we let Kanaya be her own fucking person and have shit going on, do something in the war, get to have moments like this in relation to Jane.

FLORAL:  Was so excited for this panel when we were first outlining the update. I had a lot of feelings about how we should move forward from the initial Yiffy reveal, but justification for these narrative choices only matter inside of the text itself, and this is only a tip of a much larger iceberg.

That said, what has always appealed to me the most about Candy in Beyond Canon is that it’s an opportunity to explore alt. selves to the max and start finding the missing “Meat” to Candy’s unbalanced and unsatisfying narrative. The irony for me on this is it was written about the fucking Jojo ass posing Rose which is in my opinion the worst panel in the update. Rose being turned into a comical villain for the sole reason of shaking things up in Candy. Justifications in the text is a great way of putting it and before this we had very very little. The idea of telling us afterwards well it was all apart of the grand plan when barely any time ago we have Rose thanking John for how happy she was to have her life the way it is here. Rose suddenly going ahh apathy my true love and going from a loveable and complex character to this flat cardboard cut out is the biggest crime of this update. The I knew you would forgive me part too. Just. GIRL HOW?? Rose Lalonde who first lost her seer powers in Candy, second the same girl who couldn't even see her friends all dying and her failing in game over. This girl? She saw 15 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE and knew Kanaya would just get it. Roll over like a good wife and be okay. I didn't know she was a seer of time now? This is the worst line in the entire update simply because it implies that Rose has gone off the deep end in the least interesting way and is now an unreliable narrator or that Kanaya is actually going to forgive her and holy fuck that would be the actual worst way to take this. Not beating the NTR kink allegations HS2 writers. Also spoiler alert it's unsatisfying because everyone in it gets fucked over by writing choices as baseless and useless as these. You're perpetuating the problem.

HAVEN: The world hasn't felt real to Rose since she was 16, this life is like a game to her. For her, a war is just “something to do.” Also man while this was a route that I didn't like for the epilogues either there are so many other ways to handle this than the one chosen. But that would require a rewrite from the start of HS2 which already put on this shit show. I still wholeheartedly believe that none of the things listed here justify Rose's behavior to Kanaya. As the one anchor point she's had her entire adult life. FLORAL: It’s a little sad that even during a Rosemary moment, it's never really about Rosemary, huh? Then later- "There really needed to be a joke here, too, to sell the emotional drop the next page brings" Kettle, meet pot. Whatever could be the cause for nothing ever being about them and the pair being relegated to background bullshit? Who's to say indeed. But hey! They're at the forefront now, and only for the most basic and cheap drama ways. Also I loathe this mentality about there needing to be a joke. You're clearly writing this for adults at this point a joke isn't required a real look at the situation is. The gag at the end where the convo gets ended is enough to break the tension for the reader.

FLORAL: There’s catalyst events, sure, but ask a few questions and it becomes apparent everything rides on the history of smaller fights, disappointment, sweeped away passive aggressions, miscommunication and unsaid hurt feelings.

This is why writing characters in their 40’s is great and why there is so much to do in Candy. Behind all the patented Homestuck misdirection and narrative unreliability, you’re left with an offshoot full of alternate selves at their lowest, layered in apathy and evidently not saying what they think Once again we aren't shown this. We just get told about it later and that's incredibly unsatisfying as a reader. Explaining it further down the line and doing more justification later does not help this either. I think also the idea that everyone in their middle aged years is jaded and apathetic is such a lame ass direction to go in. The idea that no one is allowed to be happy after everything they went through in the game is still one of the most frustrating things. I'm asking anyone why would someone want to read that? Why do you think the fandom imploded after this and that the people left mostly enjoy either soap opera trauma or torture porn (which HS2 is both)

like sitting down with a highschool friend you lost touch with 20 years ago and have only known about through concerning Facebook posts. So we're fully aware of the problem and just going this is a feature. Got it. So the commentary ends there and I'm just kind of left feeling as hollow and empty as before. I have zero faith that we can dig into any of these characters in a meaningful way but especially the more complicated women. This reads as coming back to them 20 years later so we can write them how we want or how we envisioned them without having to come up with in text validation. Reminds me of late season Game of Thrones writing. Guys how we got here is important. Anyways in summary HS2 remains a dour, unfun read of characters going through a perpetual state of torture and emotional suffering while we forever get told "Wait but there's more!" But hey. Happy Rosemary, glad they won that poll. Maybe the little thing James is going to do for the fandom is just kill them off to save them from this torment. As a writer myself it's just painful to read and I want to re-write it all times

[queer-reader-07]

few things bother me more than people saying that it’s “dumb” or “intentional ignoring” or “impossible” to have interpreted crowley and aziraphale’s relationship platonically.

and look i could go on about all the things that do point to romance but enough people have done that so i’m gonna defend myself here and explain why i read them as platonic for so long and why i think it’s perfectly reasonable to have read them platonically.

and a disclaimer that all of this is from my perspective and my opinion. so if i make a statement as though it’s matter of fact, know that i’m speaking from my perspective and just can’t be bothered to preface every sentence with “in my opinion…”

and it mostly boils down to one thing: their love reflected the love me and my friends have for each other.

so no shit i interpreted them platonically because they looked like my real life platonic relationships!!

i’ve talked at length about how i think there’s a specificity to the way queer people love. i think there’s something special about the way queer people show love, especially platonic love.

here’s the thing. i’ve been mistaken as my best friend of 16 years’ girlfriend more than once. i’ve been mistaken as one of my other best friend’s partner so many times her friends were genuinely shocked when she got a boyfriend because they thought she was dating me.

i understand the whole “being so platonically in love that people think you’re also fucking” situation. i unironically live that situation on the regular. so naturally i assumed that’s what was happening with aziraphale and crowley.

my thought process was basically this

1) they love like i love (specifically, crowley loves like i love). therefore, they’re platonically in love.

2) weird, everyone on the internet is convinced they’re dating. something something everyone values romantic love over platonic love

3) well whatever they’re still platonic in my heart

and it stayed like that quite literally until i watched episode 6 of season 2. and you can tell me i was being oblivious all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that i genuinely believed they were platonic. queer platonic? sure. but definitely not romantic.

i saw all the witty quips and banter between the two of them and didn’t read any sexual or romantic tension, i read friendship. i saw aziraphale damsel in distress-ing himself on the regular so crowley could save him and thought “well it’s the only way he can spend time with crowley. checks out”. and i saw the bandstand breakup and the burning bookshop and “you told my only friend to shut his mouth and die and i did. not. care. for it.” and aziraphale so desperately trying to shield crowley from the horrors of the world and obviously i saw love. a love that is deep and profound, yes. it just never read romantic to me because i would do and say all of those things for and to my friends.

one of the few things i will never cease to find joy in is my friendships. i will ALWAYS love loving the people close to me, i will ALWAYS support them, and most importantly, i ALWAYS want to protect them. even when i know what is going to happen is inevitable, i don’t want to see them hurt. i want to shield them from the cataclysmic experience of the human condition and only have to experience in the moments of joy that await them. i don’t want to see the people i love hurt or in pain or jaded by how fucked up the world is.

because i already am those things. i am jaded by the world, i’m constant falling into the pit of cynical despair that the state of the world can manage to throw you down. and i know how fucking hard it is to pull yourself out of that place, to find hope and move forward and allow yourself to even enjoy the love and support you do have in life.

and the last thing i ever want is for the people i love dearly to experience those things.

so yeah. i related hard fucking core to crowley and the way he loves aziraphale SO. FUCKING. DEEPLY. and of course i read it platonically because it’s platonic for me. so deeply platonic in the best way.

and i could go on about how a lot of this stems from how much i value platonic love. how much i don’t adhere to social norms of love and how people express love. i will loudly proclaim my love for my friends, because i love them. i’m in love with them. but that doesn’t mean i want to date them or kiss them. and that makes perfect sense to me, and if it doesn’t make sense to you. well then, idk what to tell you.

this is longer than i intended but my point is that it hurts seeing people who act like those of us who did genuinely read aziracrow as platonic the first go around are stupid or that we chose to ignore the romance.

because, to me at least, it always felt like people were calling the way i love stupid or that i’m actually ignoring my “real” feelings

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

sorry to message but i just wanted to yell because I saw a post and yOU’RE THE AUTHOR OF FALLOUT FROM THE FADE ???? oh my goodness it’s my favourite fic ive read it SO many times.

i left a comment on ao3 last night because i finished reading it again and i just genuinely hope one day you finish it (i understand you have much going on i am just greedy).

but yes thank you so much for creating it, fenris and hawke are everything to me and this fic is my canon no matter what happens in veilguard. 💜

hahaha HELLO yes that is indeed I... I guess i do owe a little bit of an explanation here since its been uh... like 4 years since I last updated, yeah :| But it still makes me so happy that even after so long people still enjoy my little pile of suffering and yearning!

I don't know how many people who used to follow it are still on tumblr (I think a lot of people i used to write with/who would comment have deleted their tumblrs and AO3 accounts in the intervening years alas) but i do I owe anyone remaining a little context I guess lol. Long story made short is like very shortly after my last update i got broken up with unexpectedly from my 4 year relationship, and went into a bit of a spiral about it. I didn't fully stop writing at this point (though I think nothing I wrote in that like... year or more ended up posted anywhere), but I did realize that when I went to work on my ongoing stuff I was in a place where I was like... only wanting to write about anger/losing relationships rather than healing ones. And that part of me wanted to change some of the things I had planned for the following parts and ending of Fallout From the Fade. And so I decided to take a step back from it for a while to see if I actually wanted to make those changes when I was less bitter or if I wanted to follow my original plan.

And that took me about a year, emotionally. However by then I had actually left my prior job (where I spent a lot of time hiking/camping in the wilderness of Utah with no internet, and I used that time for writing), and started graduate school courses. Aaaannnd grad school has been slowly eating my life since. I've only posted I think one other fanfic since then, and it was a very short prose-poem one shot. Another contributing factor was my gaming tech was too old to actually play Trespasser when it came out, and by the time I got a laptop that could handle it, I had to replay the whole game but I was working full time, etc... and i felt really disconnected from the DA fandom since I couldn't read all the new fic/understand all the lore deep dive posts/experience it with everyone else simultaneously. Oh yeah and I work a second job as a professional mermaid in varying degrees of intensity depending on the season/oportunties available haha.

All that being said. I actually have written more of FFtF in the last 2 years. But like I said in the other post I made kinda recently, the long gaps between my later updates (vs the ones I was doing way more regularly in 2016-2018) had me rethink the approach I was using to write and post it, which was a chapter at a time. It felt like stringing people along in kind of a mean way to dump a chapter and then vanish for another year, and I knew I couldn't promise consistency while doing a masters/PhD program. So I've been kind of fiddling away at it slowly still, both actual writing of following chapters, and some substantial firming up/drafting sections in my outline to get to the eventual ending and ensure it's more cohesive than a lot of my slapdash chapters. But! Idk! I do also def work slower without the fun of having an audience, and miss that. and I never actually asked of the people who are left and still wanna read more of it, if they'd rather just get a chapter every 6 months or so as I scrounge it out. If you are one of those people and have an opinion def let me know.

I will say, the imminent presence of Veilguard does have me more inspired and creative again, and some of that has been going to Fallout. Especially since I'm no longer watching the videos/gameplay bioware is putting out since they have SOOO many spoilers and I wanna go into the game at least semi blind, so my creative energy has to go towards my personal stuff rather than joining everyone else in speculation and hype now. I'm definitely not promising I will have it close to finished by October when Veilguard releases, because I'm still in grad school and the next months are busy for me in terms of mermaid work too, but I am hoping I can make some good chunks of progress between now and then. But then if I say that and can't follow through after all I also don't wanna let people down.

Anyway yeah, it's sort of a lot of conflicting thoughts. But I'm still rotating Hawke and Fenris and this fic in my mind even these years later... which for me is honestly pretty normal. I mean I have whole original novels/worldbuilding ideas/etc that I've worked on for 10-15 years in my own time haha, I've been writing fiction for fun since I was like 10, so I think I also just think of stories/writing across a bigger timeline than people who start writing with fanfiction (which is MUCH faster paced) than original fiction. The difference of course is no one sees my original stuff so there's no one to care if i take 2 years between chunks of progress. SO I guess what I am trying to say is, yes definitely it is not abandoned, I am plodding away at it bit by bit, I also hope I can finish it one day!!!! that is within this decade i hope! whether or not anyone else is left to read it but me haha

[has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong]

Gilgamesh for ask meme!

Hi!!! Thank you for messaging me ☺ I really appreciate it! It's been a long time since I did askmeme on gilgablog so thank you for requesting him (i keep most fate thoughts private)! Sorry I will probably write a whole massive paragraph about him XD

My Gilgamesh opinions are very subjective here so they may not all be accurate, which is why I enjoy this ask a lot ^^

Sexuality Headcanon: I headcanon him as bi/pan, like yeah there's no denying he is also attracted to women, but his devotional relationship with Enkidu and kinky pleasure yuetsu time with Kirei is every bit as canon in my opinion!!!

Even his creepy obsession with Saber really hints to me personally that Gilgamesh may not discern his initial sense of attraction primarily by gender- I believe he may be attracted to people based off intangible traits that link to his personal sense of values as well; which cannot be as simply measured as gender.

So in my opinion GILGAMESH IS RATED E FOR EVERYONE!

Gender Headcanon: Though he is masc, man he/him I also feel as if Gilgamesh's gender is also just 'GILGAMESH'. Sometimes I wonder if Gilgamesh would see himself as beyond the convention of gender.

Also I heard from someone that gender can be very diverse in Ancient Mesopotamia so it would be really cool to see where Gilgamesh would slot his gender identity there... also can his pronouns be king of heroes/ king as well! I feel like he really defines himself by his role more than gender per se, and in one fate hanafuda game he says gender doesn't matter ☺👍

An OTP: ohh I love Gilgamesh ships so much 😊😊 Gilkidu is just so amazing in many ways I cannot even describe, Kotogil is incredible in their twisted dynamic .. and GilHaku is just so beautiful! And I love Gilgamesh x Merlin for the shenanigans... to be honest most Gilgamesh ships are my otp. I even really like Gilgamesh x reader/ oc fics and Ritsuka/ Guda ones depending on what the ocs are like! Oh I also like Gilgamesh x Cu as they can clash head on and go wild, as well as Gilgamesh x Ozymandias!

And a mutual introduced me to Achilles x Gilgamesh. I think it is a beautiful pairing as they have so much grief, love, power and arrogance in common.

A NOTP: I'm sorry Gilgamesh x Saber fans. I respect those who ship it but Gilgamesh is such a creep to Saber in my opinion, I like it when she doms him to smithereens and stomps on his pride though ☺🥳🥳🥳

BROTP: This is a hard one as I feel like his otps can be good otps, but seeing him hang out with Iskandar is always hilarious. Love how he actually listens to Taiga in the spin off games as well, so they could maybe enjoy a few drinks together. And Gilgamesh/Solomon/Merlin makes for great chaos.

Gilgamesh/Siduri/Enkidu is a powerful alliance and err what else... I feel like as long as they can entertain one another then Gilgamesh has the potential for many BROTPS.

Random Headcanon: He has golden nipple tassels that he unleashes whenever he has an urge to go full sexy, also I feel like though yes he does love pleasure and decadent desires the way he so tightly constrains and punishes himself sometimes makes me wonder if some of his hedonism is also used as a way to appear as an overwhelming figure to others.

I feel like Gilgamesh is definitely tyrannical and extremely powerful and charismatic... yet also has a side to him that is insecure as hell, his larger than life and genuine powerful and wise sides overcompensating for a side of him that is plagued with all sorts of self loathing and grief.

General opinion: I love this asshole!!!!!!!! Endless joy can be created from researching his character and reading, watching his materials, he is entertaining in such a wide variety of ways, and every side of him is a marvel to witness (though i wanna punch him sometimes too cuz holy crap is he horrendous at times).

He's a very complex and nuanced character that can be interpreted in a wide variety of ways so I am really irritated by how some people try to gatekeep Gilgamesh's character and throw him into a box, when Gilgamesh is such a versatile character! I hope that there will continue to be a space where people can enjoy Gilgamesh in as many different ways as possible, without there having to be some sort of 'fandom consensus' on which Gilgamesh opinions are most valid.

[baka-rina]

So glad that you mentioned the fact that Katarina's mother always berates her.

Yes, I am aware that this is comedy and it is not a real world. But, I remember when I read the au manga on which Katarina remembered her past life when it was almost too late; and even there, when Katarina is presumably the perfect lady her mother calls her spoiled child. It's Ike she is never good enough in her eyes.

Maybe I am projecting, but I never could find their relationship in any way as a punch line.

I respect other people's opinions and I am aware the Duchess lovers her, but her actions speak so much louder

I enjoy reading your blog btw, thank you for your posts

It is more her mother than anyone else, but her parents aren't as flushed out nor do we get a lot of time with them, especially interacting with Katarina so it is harder to really understand their dynamic or motivations, other that how it is used for comedy and to keep Katarina from just accepting her future marriage - got to keep the plot alive.

The best sense I can get from her mother is that is doesn't like to stand out or be perceived as different, or embarrassed in society (that is the only reason we have really been given) - which is why she is so ridged and measured herself - typical noble lady? Katarina, especially after the memory awakening, isn't really able to truly conform to her mother's (and society's) standards, and is too excitable and I guess too open or blunt, not as composed and proper like the other girls behave. Even though she has adapted to many of the mannerisms, her personality is still fixed as her 17yo past self.

It is an interesting choice to have Katarina's mother prefer Keith to her, mostly because he is 'smarter' thus understands how to conduct himself better and not embarrass her or the family. At least that is my impression. Yeah, it can bother me too, which is why I mentioned it :) but I do try to keep it in perspective, as much as I enjoy the series, I am aware of what it is and what it is not. Since we do get more Keith, it does feel like him falling in line with the mother's perceptions (and acting like 3rd parent) is coming more from a 'it serves my wants' rather than him truly finding fault with it or Katarina (at least most of the time), that is my impression anyway - not that that matters to Katarina. It has been a while since I read the series, might need to refresh my memories.

It is also very clear that the very trait her mother tries to correct, is also the key reason everyone ends up falling in love with Katarina. So perhaps that is just the author's way of highlighting how many others in society have been raised this way and that is why so many are so closed off or put on a 'fake' self to others. I'm sure Katarina's mother's attitude or standards are pretty normal in other households. Katarina's modern memories and attitudes end up being better and healing to all those she meets who never experienced a genuine and open friend.

[oddinary4bts]

CC ch 7 has to be my fave so far. I literally have no words yet I have so much to say. Girl first of all WHAT THE FUCK. You’re so talented it’s actually unbelievable. This was SUCH a good chapter filled with so many emotions. It truly was a rollercoaster but it ended on a better note than I could have imagined and as much as I’m aware that the upcoming angst is probably gonna sucker punch me in the gut, I’m just gonna enjoy their little bubble for now lmao. 😭 I LOVE how much of a simp Jungkook is for oc. He just wants to spend all his time with her and he tells her how much he enjoys her company and he doesn’t hide it, it’s SO DAMN CUTE 🥹 I love oc for keeping her doubts about Jk between the two of them, especially with the whole Colton situation. She’s protective of him no matter what and doesn’t just believe anything she gets told about him but gives him the time and place to explain himself, she forms her own opinion by her own experiences with him and I love that sm. AND THEN THE BEST PART 😭 Jk willing to risk everything and telling her how much he wants her and that he’ll tell Tae because he just wants to be with her so badly. The intimacy of them holding each other whilst he tells her he won’t hurt her even though she’s scared of that. 🥺 AND THEN HIM TELLING HER “you better not be fucking anyone else, your pussy is mine” 🥵💀😭🧎🏻‍♀️ yes. Yes it is. The smut you write is always good but this was beyond perfection. I actually genuinely had to take a breather, close my eyes and compose myself at certain parts because fuck me, insane. AND THE FLUFF don't even get me started 😩 him wanting to shower with her and sleep with her in the same bed especially the part where she asks him if he wants to sleep in his bed and he asks her "with you?" Just to clarify she means together before he gives her an answer because he'd rather sleep on her mattress if it means sleeping next to her, is soooooo fucking adorable I have no words.

I cannot wait for the next chapter and to see what happens on the New York trip. He's so whipped with her and switched up so fast on not dating anyone to wanting to be with her and dating her. When she asked him "does that mean you love me?" I just know mans was thinking "I'm getting there" 🤫🤭

I love them SO SO much.

You slayed once again miss girl. I can’t wait to see his pov of this chapter eventhough he told her exactly how he felt I want to see his convo with Colton, his reaction to oc kissing Jin, him deciding to tell oc how he feels and why, what he was thinking during the smut and asking her to go to New York with him.

Lots of loveeee 💗

AH THANK YOU SO MUCH🥹🥹 looking back I realize that I fully agree with everyone, ch 7 is probably the best (or one of the best) in the series bc of all the emotions that it holds, you know?? Like everything you pointed out I’m like HELL YEAH🥹

Jungkook switching up so fast is just a sign that he has been WAITING for this moment to happen for so so long bc he was into her from the very beginning🥰🥰 and he wants to prove it to her in every way bc he doesn’t want to lose her before he’s even had her🥹

I can’t wait for y’all to read the next chapter, it gives a lot more perspective about who Jungkook is as a person and why he is the way that he is and I just love him so so much😭

As fr his pov, I’ve been thinking about it and I think it’s going to be good🤭

Thank you so much for reading✨

[sieglinde-freud]

For the ask game: Ophelia and Camillia

HELL YEAHH hi stedy :) starting with ophelia

How I feel about this character

shes so cute. obviously super similar to her dad and while i feel like she doesnt do the chuuni thing quite as well, i think its cute that its mostly in an attempt to emulate her father, the bestest guy in the world to her, which differentiates it from odin’s mannerisms that were formed as a coping mechanism. shes just very happy and i love that for her :)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

i remember really liking her with hisame at one point? i think i still do but i cannot tell you what their support is about. i forgot entirely. honestly, i need to brush up on the fates second gen because theyre a huge blank spot in my mind 😭 but like, conceptually, i also like her with shiro, caeldori, nina, forrest, and mitama. i just have to actually read those…

My non-romantic OTP for this character

i like her little trio with forrest and nina :) theyre so cute in heirs of fate… i wish we could see more of the second gen dynamic like that. in my head i also like her friendship with soleil, but… in terms of whats given to me in the game… its just… eugh.

My unpopular opinion about this character

i dont think she’s a better unit than odin in conquest. i guess it can depend on who her mom is, but odin is generally going to have much more survivability due to his defense and hp + joining you pretty early, making his role as a nostank reliable and costs zero effort. ophelia takes time, and ideally you want to hold off on getting her for skills/offspring seals. any early game build can be done with nyx or elise, to less potency maybe, but with way less effort especially now that the best way of support grinding (mycastle easy seize) is no longer possible. of course, you can use dlc maps but if you take dlc into account conquest is a whole different game.

One thing I wish had happened

how about something i wish didnt happen? her support with soleil is genuinely one of these most uncomfortable things i have ever read in fire emblem which is saying a lot! because the writing in these games suck! for the most part it is soleil’s problem and not ophelia’s, so maybe i shouldn’t be complaining about it here, but i dunno man. its just… its so bad. i cant even read it in game like it gets a physical reaction out of me and not a positive one.

ok camilla now :)

How I feel about this character

i love her lots :) my savior on conquest and she had the best hair in the game. her supports are… pretty unfortunate most of the time but i think the ones that matter are really good and she’s a really sympathetic character when you get over intelligent systems not trusting in her enough to be popular and slapping the gooner bait “big sister” crap on her

All the people I ship romantically with this character

i really dont have a major preference for her? in game, i usually prefer pairings that give her a kid because 1) woag god stats and 2) her hair color is sooo good i cannot waste it. but in terms of just shipping, shes good with like. everyone. some supports are bad but i can get over most of them if i like the ship as a concept. but off the top of my head i like her with selena, beruka, takumi, saizo, peri, laslow, odin, niles, hinoka, charlotte, arthur, reina, probably more but. yeah shes versatile to me. godmilla

My non-romantic OTP for this character

leo!! all the nohr siblings really but i think camilla and leo specifically are just. they give me lots of brain worms. elise obviously wasnt born yet to exeprience the concubine wars, and as the heir and, iirc, the only legitimate son garon had, xander didn’t really get involved as much either. im sure it affected him, but he wasn’t there actually taking part in it. leo and camilla shoulder a lot for their siblings and i think its very interesting that despite it all, theyre probably the only people that can ever really understand what the other has been through. and i enjoy their supports too, with leo wanting camilla’s attention but not being willing to voice it, and camilla understanding that her smothering would probably just piss him off so she tries to avoid it, until they ultimately find a healthy medium and can start to kind of… work on their relationship with eachother after everything. i love them lots :)

My unpopular opinion about this character

im not sure i have one? i feel like opinions on camilla are so all over the place so its kind of hard to have one thats “unpopular.” but i’ll say that i prefer her in malig knight rather than wyvern lord which is probably the worse play in most scenarios but… oohh hot lady on undead dragon… im very simple.

One thing I wish had happened

more elaboration on her past and her mother and some more story relavance for her. she just kinda… fades into the back after leo and xander come which happens with the other sisters too, but still……

[ode2rin]

ISAGI DEBUT, ISAGI DEBUT ON ODE2RIN! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS ONES FOR THE ISAGI KISSERS (me).

isagi is the cutest in my opinion, he remains my lover no matter what other characters are introduced. everyone else is my side chick. but isagi definitely gives sun after the rain energy. you’ll fall on your face a few times and he’ll be there to help put you back. which is why him hanging out with people who’ve been stood up sounds like a canonical event in my mind. the small conversation about coffee, yeah he gonna do his best to engage someone. this plays well with his soft personality to the other boys of blue lock when he’s off field. that episode of additional time where barou, nagi, and chigiri realized how much they rely on isagi for help on basic tasks. yeah he’s got a good heart in my mind and is just a helpful guy who wants everyone to feel good.

MOVING ON, the descriptions in this piece? yeah mimi, i might need to live in your brain for a minute.

your descriptions of readers bad experiences with love hits home to all hopeless romantics who just get met with a wall of disappointment.

“and coming from someone who has been gravely hurt in the name of so-called love, it’s impossible not to wonder if such love even exists in this world or if it's merely a figment of your imagination born from those contemporary romance books you read on your lonely nights.”

yeah i’m in this, and i don’t know if i like it or i feel seen.

ALSO, how you describe isagi? im in your walls??

“it's an understatement, as a matter of fact. the guy before you is downright mesmerizing. if you could gaze at his face for more than two seconds without being called weird, you could map the entirety of how blessed this man’s face is — the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he speaks, the subtle strength in his jawline, and the way his hair falls in a perfectly disheveled manner”

AND

“amidst the lively exchange, you catch glimpses of isagi's gentle nature, his ability to make you feel at ease, and his genuine curiosity about your thoughts and experiences. it's a refreshing change from the superficial interactions you've had in the past, and you're left wondering if the man in front of you is even real.”

delicious, delectable, i love him desperately. i don’t know if anyone has mentioned this but your writing has definitely made large amounts of improvement in the short time you’ve been active. it’s honestly fun to see you become more detailed in descriptions and conveying deep insights about the reader through words. in a post you mentioned that in something you were writing that the reader was feeling to similar to you and i’m going to guess that this one might be the one in particular due to how vivid you describe their feelings and thoughts. i’ve been reading your posts since sometime in may and i absolutely adore anything you write or post. so i will fight all your mean and nasty anons for you! we will box them deadass!

have a great day mimi! xoxoxoxoxoxo (extra today)

(🏹 anon)

sorry for the extra long wall of text, i hope this reaches you well! i gave myself an emoji i hope it’s not taken yet. love you mimi, mwah!

[sorry this took a while i was really like this 🥺 the whole time i was reading thru it ]

you don't know how much this means to me. i often joke about not needing any attention for my writing because i write for myself and for my silly pookies. but at the end of the day, i am still a human sitting through hours of pouring my heart out and translating my thoughts into words. and as much as one might try to deny it, knowing that someone enjoyed the piece of writing i put out here can really make a difference, especially when you're someone who receives 'flop' in your asks like me lmao (enough negativity, shoo shoo shoo!). i love hearing your thoughts, 🏹 anon (ps. i actually call you paragraph anon in my mind XD). 

no, but you're so right about isagi giving off 'sun after the rain' energy. if you haven't seen it, i actually mentioned in a previous ask how isagi is the guy who comes after heartbreaks (if you want to read it, here!). i wanted to portray him as someone who naturally exudes comfort in his presence, to the point where you can't help but lower your guard and let him in, if that makes any sense. that's just the vibe i got from him, especially in the first few episodes when chigiri was struggling to free himself.

you wouldn't want to live in my mind, even for a minute, i assure you 😭 and not at you pulling out these sentences jsaksklajs

i'm glad to know that my intention in writing the reader's background has reached the right audience. i was contemplating the direction i took with how i wrote the reader's experiences. i wondered if it would still be relatable or if i made them a bit too sappy (which i did, but it was for the plot T^T). and yes, you're right!! i was referring to this fic when i said that the reader is a little bit too 'me' XD. and now, reading your thoughts, i guess it's you and me hehe. don't worry, if you feel seen by the reader, i'm happy to let you know that i was attacked (and it kind of felt like i was oversharing as a writer, by the way T^T).

“i don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but your writing has definitely shown significant improvement in the short time you've been active” stop ✋🏻 you're making me cry ✋🏻 as someone who goes into hiding after posting because she doesn't have a good relationship with her works, this means so much to me, you don't understand :( i'm actually trying to focus more on writing the reader better. my past works were heavy on the characters' thoughts because i wanted to characterize them properly (i hope i did, oh my god), but in “just maybe”, i wanted to try writing solely from the reader's point of view.

thank you so much, anon! i'll be printing this out, and it will replace my awards on our walls.

i hope you're well and having the time of your life! love you lots <3

(don't worry, the emoji is not taken hehe. i'll go and search for your other asks to tag them properly so i can come back to it 🫵🏻)

[muppetsfan243]

My Two Cents on this whole Thomas Sanders/Sander Sides Situation as an Old Viewer

AUTHOR'S NOTE - Wow, this post turned out to be way longer than I anticipated, so here's the TL;DR if you don't want to read the whole thing. I'd still recommend to do so, but yeah. TL;DR - I think Thomas Sanders and his team are valid for taking a long time to work on stuff like the Sander Sides finale, but I think some criticisms the community has are valid too, and it's nice to see people in the Thomas Sanders community speak up about their criticisms. Alright, as I said in my previous post, I dipped out of Sander Sides about two-ish years ago, mainly because I myself was growing out of the series. With all due respect to everyone who works on the show past and present, I didn't like that episodes were starting to become more story-driven with heavy morals and deep meanings, to me, it was no longer a short light-hearted series about random everyday subject matters with comedy and skits to pace it out. But of course, that's just a me thing, it's clear that the direction Sander Sides went ended up making the series a huge success and I don't fault people for liking the series where it's at or what it's become. If you enjoy Sander Sides, that's great, more power to ya! Anywho, I don't know how or why, but on my "For You" feed, I stumbled upon a post criticizing Thomas for a recent update video he made regarding his content overall, saying he was making false promises and that they are tired of being given these false hopes every year when they never come to be. That post led me down a whole rabbit hole on Tumblr of many users criticizing Thomas on a lot of things, mainly the communication with his fans.

Admittedly, a lot of the posts I've found I have mixed feelings on; I said this in a reblog/repost (whatever it's called on this app, I'm still learning), but a lot of them feel as if they don't understand what goes into making a big project of any kind. You can check out my reblog of Rixitup's post if you want my full thoughts on that matter, but in short, speaking as someone who is a small creator who has big visions for things I want to make in the future, it can take a lot, and I mean a LOT, of time to create something to be the way you envision it. Sometimes it may take a few months, other times it can take a couple of years. I don't know Thomas himself, nor do I know what his thought process for this finale and the series as a whole is, but if he wants the finale to look a specific way, then I can understand why he and the team have been taking so much time to get this finale going. Remember, the world is still opening back up from a pandemic we went through for about three years, and especially given where Thomas and his team are located, I wouldn't be surprised if that has played a big role in halting most of the production on the finale until now.

With all of that said, however, I will say, for those who have, it's really nice to finally see some people in this community give constructive criticism regarding Thomas Sanders as a creator. When I was part of the community, I remember having all these feelings regarding Thomas' work and especially Sander Sides, including how I felt the show has become a bit too serious for my liking and how the show has become less light-hearted. But often, I'd keep my mouth shut because no one else within the community that I saw would ever give out any sort of criticisms regarding them. The only times I would do so was with friends who were into Thomas Sanders' stuff, and even then, I was often frown upon, some saying my opinion was invalid because Thomas works so hard to get this stuff out. And don't get me wrong, I genuinely believe he does! The enthusiasm he puts into his non-series videos seems legit. But it felt like in this community, you weren't allowed to criticize Thomas, Sander Sides, or anything Thomas Sanders related, like Thomas was a god who could do no wrong. That was another reason why I left the fandom, to have your voice not only be unheard but also invalidated, that hurts a lot, especially in a community that's meant to be respectful to one another.

Now in early 2023, to see a slew of people constructively criticize Thomas, Sander Sides, and other things, it feels so....nice. It feels great to know that I'm not alone in thinking or feeling certain things for many years, namely...

The Lack of Light-Hearted Comedic Episodes - Again, I think with where Sander Sides is now, this isn't an issue, but it is something older viewers like me miss a lot. Remember, Sander Sides didn't start out as this story-heavy/driven series with many plots and lore, it was originally just a fun side series Thomas did to discuss different topics or moral thoughts he had in his mind, expressing them with some comedic banter with his Vine characters, plus one original character. That was what drew me into the series and I wish we had more smaller videos like that inbetween the more story-driven ones (and also ones that weren't just simply ads), they're just a good breather from those episodes.

The Need of Communication with Fans - Now I personally believe that Thomas doesn't owe the fans anything in terms of the actual content in question, as at the end of the day, it's up to him of whether or not he feels comfortable with doing whatever he's creating/making. The only thing I would say he does owe to his viewers, though, is just updates and explanations as to what's going on. He doesn't have to say when episodes or stuff are coming out, it can just be simple stuff like "Hey, we're about to work on X and Y regarding this project!" or "Gonna be taking a break from this for a bit." I know the big topic right now is the season finale, but I'd like to point out "A Recipe for Me" and how long that took to get out there. Now I'm not gonna blame Thomas for how long it took to publish the song, I'm sure there's a lot that goes into creating a song from getting musicians, a composer, a company to distribute and handle the copyrights for the song, and much more. My issue is that the music video specifically features a ton of fans who paid a certain amount of money to be featured in a future video. This was at a New York event in August of 2017, and the music video didn't come out until late 2019; Thomas never gave out any updates between then as to what this video was or when it would come out. I don't know, to me, that feels a little bit rubbish; if I paid a certain tier to get featured on something, especially if it's hyped up in an advertising campaign, I'd like to know any updates on how that video is going along. I know there's also some controversy with the Patreon stuff, but I can't really speak on that matter, as I never participated in his Patreon page, mainly because I'm not interested in it.

Character Derailing - This one's a little bit more simpler than the previous two and is definitely an opinion thing, but yeah, really didn't like how some of the characters have been derailed once the show switched permanently to a story-driven format starting with "Accepting Anxiety." Whether or not it's because of the whole "orange side" plot, I personally don't know, but I miss it when characters like Roman and Patton were a lot caring of the other Sides or how Logan had a soft spot for the others but rarely feels comfortable to admit it. I don't really know how to describe this one right now, I've been writing this post for too long. XD

Of course, not all of the criticisms I agree with and some of the posts under the hashtag #tscritism do feel a bit more mean-spirited than genuine criticism, but overall, it does feel nice to know I'm not alone in thinking these things for so long. Especially after being shamed upon for having some personal criticisms with Thomas' content, reading some of these posts made me feel a bit better.

All that said, I'll leave you all with this note. It's okay to criticize someone you look up to, someone you like, no one's perfect, no one's gonna be this god of a person, an almighty being and such. It's important to acknowledge these criticisms as they can be used to further improve someone or something. However, don't go sending hate to Thomas and his team or push them to get stuff like the finale out. To me at least, it's clear that they have a specific vision for how they want this finale to go. Do they have to do it this way? No, they could just do a simple video inside Thomas' living room and call it a day. But that's not what they want the finale to be and that's okay. If they want this to have multiple sets, musical numbers, be four parts, then they do them. At the end of the day, it is Thomas' creation and he deserves to end the season (or series, I can see this being the series finale too) however way he wants to.

That's my two cents, definitely a lot longer than I anticipated. But hey, that's me for ya, I have a lot of thoughts to share on certain things, and I guess this is the first time I let a few of them out here on Tumblr.

[altschmerzes]

Hey it’s L again! Or it’s actually O but I managed to write that whole long ask without checking I signed off with the right letter but, from now on… O!!

Wow thank you so much for your lovely response — especially that bit about your writing being for me (aros & abusive survivors first hell yeah) that was so ridiculously sweet. I fully cannot wait until you post literally anything but especially that episode tag you mentioned !!!! It’s something for me to look forward too and I’ll definitely be all up in your inbox probably crying about it once you do

It’s genuinely so validating to be agreed with about all the post 2.08 stuff and the 3.02 stuff because I felt a little insane about it. Like sometimes I try and force myself to react more normally to media around these sort of things but knowing you’re feeling some of the same feelings about it too makes me go no !!! Good reaction !!! Feel something about it !!!

I do still genuinely love both of those episodes though — “I forgot how skittish elderly people could be because of the war” made me laugh out loud. And Jamie literally saying “hmmmm” with his very *sad* sad face was so relatable. He’s so strange sometimes

Anyways, just thought I’d pop in and say hi and thanks!! Oh and how are you ?!!

- O

hey hey!!! great to see you again, i'm always like, relieved to find out someone saw the answer meant for them

i really do love knowing that my writing has made it to the audience it's meant for tbh. like of course it's meant for anyone who wants to read it, and i'm always thrilled to pieces no matter what to hear that something i've written was enjoyed or was meaningful to someone it's like. this is WHY i wrote it yknow, and why i needed stories like it, etc. means a lot :')

and yeah no same i always feel like, anxious and weird whenever i have an Opinion About Media and it is a WAR with my brain ghosts to get to like, expressing a thought at all ever but i like to think i'm getting better with that! helps to not be In Fandom i think. worry of getting yelled at for whatever reason goes way down lmao. and yeah same like, i try to Be Chill but at the end of the day everyone's gonna have their things, right, their Pet Issues or Hills To Die On or whatever. it's fine if i have mine, and it's fine for you to have yours too!

the "elderly people" line made me laugh so fucking hard, the delivery on it like. killed me. he is SO strange and it's honestly one of my fave things about him, it's a lot of fun XD i simply love a character who's a little weirdo

and as for ME i'm good honestly!!! now that my ordeal with the border is all resolved i feel like a completely different person lmao, a huge weight is gone off me. now i just need to finish a couple of 7k term papers and get ready for some final exams. a friend and i actually also recently started the series together in our weekly tv date and it's been so exciting and fun to get to watch it all over with someone who knows absolutely nothing and is loving it so far. i hope you've been well!!

[queen-mihai]

Kids can really love books. But it really depends on the kid and it depends on how much respect and ownership they're given over their choice of what to read.

If they want to read comic books, then give them a thousand comic books. You want them to read 70,000 words over a summer? They'll read 100,000 halfway through and be asking for more. But if you tell them "comics aren't books" then you'll have them struggling to read a page and a half over the next year because they WON'T ENJOY IT.

One of the points of reading is to give people

CONTEXT

Now

I want you to listen to me

Do you have the same context for life as I do? No? And yet you would expect me to understand at least most of the core aspects of our society without even meeting me, right?

Do you know what I read as a kid? As much as I'm writing you have to assume I read *something*, right? Also I'm pretty good at spelling, so I must have been paying attention. I'm an engineer so I must be at least halfway decent at math. And I probably seem at least a little creative??

I read the Sunday comics as a kid.

I read advertisements about cars because I thought cars were cool

And I read...uhm... magazines. Because they had interesting.... articles. Yes. A...articles (and yeah, it's what you're thinking. The genius thing is, I almost think they planned this this way because they knew people like me would be getting a hold of these... magazines, and so they wrote interesting little things alongside the, uh, pictures, so that while one part of my mind was fully engaged, another part of my mind could genuinely be expanding. And on more than one occasion I genuinely did put the... picture side down and actually focus more on the article Because it was really interesting.

THAT was READING. Reading with one hand, maybe, but dammit I was reading! And I'm all the smarter for it.

You are never gonna control what other people, including kids, including *your own* kids, are interested in. You can help them be safe, you can help them be careful like the example above. But I am willing to bet if they had said "Steven King is too much for you at your age" the story absolutely would not have gone the same way and the kid, their society, and the wider world at large would have suffered for it.

And it's not just for kids. I don't care of you're 15 or 55 or 125. You are the one who decides what's interesting for you. Read what you find interesting and you'll find that you read more. My opinion on what you're reading doesn't matter to you because what I read doesn't make you grow. And that goes for everyone else. Be you. Read what you want to read. And I can only hope that it helps you become the person that you want to be.

saw this thread and really loved it but what i liked most is that it taught this kid that if a book isn’t for you, even if you really want to like it, it’s okay to stop reading it and come back to it another time when you are ready. there were so many books i slogged through as a kid because i felt like i had to prove that i could read them since i *loved* reading so i simply had to finish this book or i didn’t actually love to read. silly, really. the more kids who don’t ascribe to that thinking the better. really great of both the dad and the librarian for giving the kid access to the stephen king book and allowing him make the decision on whether or not it was for him by himself.

[veggiefritterz]

i have words to say. if you know me irl either dont read this or just dont mention it to me. everyone else go ham but dont say i didnt warn you

i just cant. its both that simple and far more complicated. i dont know what or how to feel. i dont know why i feel anything.

i cant just stop talking to people because i always have something i want to say, so just know if i vanish one day odds are im full on dead/in a hospital somewhere.

i dont want to think about the future, its unlikely and uncertain. do i have a future? not at this rate. its too hard to fucking think for me to learn anything.

i do not think i will finish highschool at this rate. if i do it will be with low low marks. and i will be a faliure. so i have less than two years to prepare for that.

i was smart in prep, why couldn't that continue past year 6?

i know why, actually. theres probably a few reasons. one of thems the (until recently, undiagnosed) autism.

the other reason is her.

i fucking hate her. i genuinely hope she dies. i tried to strangle her once. it was both fun and not at the same time, if that makes sense.

before you judge me for attemped murder that i have not been charged with please know that it was rather called for.

because she fucking. i dont know. ill use my big boy words. it'll be hard for me to do but honestly what does it matter, im already fucking upset.

this is your big old warning for s/a. will mark off section end with more red text.

fucking hell i feel sick. seriously sick. but uts like this every time i remember. like my stomachs burning. and i can tell im on the verge of tears, too. or maybe im just really fucking tired.

she essentially sexually abused me for about a year. give or take a month or two, i cant fucking remember. theres things i havent told anyone about, and never will.

i think i want to try and describe it. youre not obligated to read it, so. dont do that if its going to upset you.

october 31st, 2020 hardly counts as anything in my opinion. but it still feels gross. she decided that an appropriate game for her to play was "truth or dare but if you dont wanna do it you strip". these are twelve year olds at the time, mind you. so she had her boyfriend on the phone, on a video call, and did that. i, naturally, was obligated to engage. i did not enjoy it. i said plenty that i dont wanna but you know, i was fucking stupid. i let her convince me. I couldve walked home.

the second time i dont havs a date for, but it was mid november 2020. we were on a school camp. the entire thing sucked, i had terrible hayfever one day and was declined medicine for several hours. they also tried to feed us meat wrapped in bread that was then deep fried. thats not really relevent. moving on from shit camp food. while i was trying to go to bed (note. my bunk ladder was in the back corner of the room) she managed to (mostly undressed for her, as in just her undies. not to be graphic but thats how it is) she managed to pin me in the corner. she was a few inches taller than me, so i could hardly just move. i can only vaguely remember beyond that. it wasnt bad bad that time.

there were other people in the room for part of it. they dont remember. i havent said anything because i dont want them to feel to blame. but holy shit. why didnt they do anything.

then theres very early december 2020. this one was just. yeah. the one, i guess. the big bad or something.

(side note if my phrasing disintegrates its because yours truly is having some kind of intense anxiety attack. i think. either way i would love to kill myself right about now. whatever. but its really vivid in my mind right now so i might as well put it down.)

i just dunno. how do i even put this, really. she uh. okay. if someones wearing lovely thin cotton pyjamas lets not ruin the fabric for them, for starters. i liked those pyjamas. its a real shame. i just fucking cant.

she just. yeah. i dont think i even have to say. she did stuff, she made me do stuff, all while i made it perfectly obvious how unhappy i was. i couldnt do anything about it, much as i wish i couldve. because im too pathetic to fight. i basically froze up. she held my head down. so that i had to do it. i didnt say that was okay. i didnt say any of it was omay.

and to the other person who was there, i dont blame you. you were thirteen. you couldn't have done anything. besides, i think you were playing BATIM so like. beat those ink demons (i havent played bendy).

i didnt sleep that night. until about 3 in the morning. i dont know man.

she "tried" to kill herself the next night. i use quotations because im fully convinced she was manipulating me. she said she felt bad and couldnt live with herself. so why do it again, huh? she fucking lied to me, didnt she. im gonna be honest im just realising this and im so fucking mad. i contacted her mother to make sure she was okay.

theres more examples. just smaller things like publicly grabbing my tits in front of a group of people encouraging her to do so but theyre just numbers now. numbers and occasionally vivid memories. including shit like trying to fuck me in a school bathroom. more than once mind you.

i also fucking hate the girl who decided to be all touchy in the middle of class and i couldn't move where i was sat because it was a partners activity and we were paired up. but eh, she just generally sucks. its whatever.

end section you are safe (?) from here or something

even if you didnt read that section. its just long okay. so damned long. im so done.

look at me. or dont. i actually look like shit. if i had facial hair id be classed as a Wet Cat™. i kinda wish i was tbh... wild. i havent washed my hair in a couple weeks, havent brushed it is i think three days. i have not showered properly because i dont have the fucking energy. its one of those bath-shower hybrids and i turn the water up high and lie down in it because i cant even find the energy to fucking sit up. i havent brushed my teeth in days, maybe weeks, i cant remember. it doesnt matter if i take my meds or not. yet i still apparently "look nice" or something but people lie all the time.

the main reason i cut my hair so short is because i cant fucking maintain it. believe me, i wanted it long. i wanted to plait it and feel pretty. but i just couldn't. i didnt brush it or wash it, i pulled it out, like always. so now i have a mullet and theyre notoriously shit in my town dare i say whole country so noone seems to care.

i think the only times ive slept well recently are after being incredibly drunk. which is concerning. i mean. im sixteen, i know i shouldnt be drunk ever, but if it works, it works. i think i sleep on average about 6 or 7 hours a night, which is not necessarily bad, but its all just fucking abstract nightmares.

at least i dont vape though. thats a win. i have before, do not recommend, very yuk burnt my lungs i think. real talk though if you do i feel ya man everyone does something they shouldn't.

lore drop or something, tumblr user veggiefritters got soft-expelled once! i was suspended forever! all i did was physically fight a few teachers and another student. but she deserved it. and so did they, i daresay.

what did i do after that day? i rode home like usual. i went to my sisters room (she doesnt live here so i slept in there while my old room was being renovated to a lounge room) and i watched youtube until my dad got called by school. then i talked to him. it sucked. then i ate a few nuggets for dinner and tried to kill myself. then, upon that failing, i went to sleep.

i didnt go to school for two months. like. i wasnt enrolled anywhere. family law or some shit, my parents need to hurry up and divorce.

i went to a new school, it was fine, fine, fine, then it wasn't, so i left. i went to a new school, its still fine, thats irrelevant. besides, i have to go there. only public 11/12 school in the town.

but you know what? nothings fine. nothings okay. i just want to be okay, you know? i just want to be innocent. i don't want the past to be the way it is. i with i remembered it all, because while some might say its good that i dont? its terrifying to not know for sure whats happened to you.

i dont like smelling something specific and remembering shit like the eevee themed lunch we made, or the pancakes we made in a saucepan, or the time we tried to solve cicada 3301 for the hell of it. i dont want to sound bittersweet, i dont want to sound like i miss it, but i do, in some weird way.

even though it was clearly manipulation i miss the way she trusted me.

its probably my fault, too, i shouldnt be such an easy target.

if like to tell all of this to my cousin, because i know he'd listen. i know he wouldnt laugh at me. but how does one go about that? i guess i cant. whatever.

shit, man. i dont even know. i went i think a year s/h free? and i was so damn proud of myself. then i dont know what happened. i just broke. and im still not better.

i just think to myself maybe this will be the one that kills me. maybe this one will hit an artery and i can just fucking die.

in my mind, dying feels okay if its on accident. but im seriously considering it at this point because what the fuck else am i meant to do man. im wandering around aimlessly in my own head most of the time. hardly even thinking, just trying to will myself out of existence.

im nothing more than a fucking marionette and whoevers pulling the strings is a sadist.

theres your obligatory shit poetry. i should get that printed on a cap.

ive just moved slightly wrong and its like im tearing my own skin apart. yeow.

ive been writing this at least an hour, i think ive used up 20% of my phones charge! but thats irrelevant. i dont use my pjone much, contrary to peoples belief. i rot my mind with The Computer instead. sometimes the little screen hurts and i need the big screen.

im sorry this is so long. i have a lot of thoughts going on tonight. have a break with a photo of my cat before i keep sobbing. or 4 i guess lucky you. this is shego shes one and shes a little shit. the ants got to her food so she ate them. she refuses to let me take a nice picture of her.

cats, man.

back to me literally crying now.

im scared. im scared of the future but thats common so it doesn't matter. im scared of the past but thats irrelevant. im scared right now because im in bed and its dark so there might be someone there that i cant see.

im scared people will socially exile me again for the things i like, im scared i dont really know any of my friends, im scared ill make a mistake big enough to get me in prison even though technically i already have a few times and nothing happened, im scared people hate me as much as i hate myself.

and fuck, do i hate myself.

what am i good for? i guess people like my writing but what if theyre making that up. sometimes i like my writing too and i go batshit insane over my own characters. but it feels so selfish, i guess.

(i intrude upon myself. i would like a scone right about now)

anyway. what else do i do that people like. im in charge of kids clothing visual merchandising at work. i work in a second hand store, the options for outfits are many. but i dont know. im the youngest person who works there, so what if theyre lying to me?

im creative, apparently. hey, sure, id like to tell myself that but i dunno if i can. i really think i peaked in year two with that.

what have i got about me that people like so much they want to talk to me, because i know damn well its not my appearance. i am fucking ugly. in a weird way. not that my eyes are too far apart or anything i just look dead.

i dont know. i need to let myself live life to the fullest or something but i cant.

i cant just live. its weird.i want to be alive but at the same time its tiring, too tiring, and i dont know what to do about it other that just give in.

you know. give up, and die. how is irrelevant. im so fucking tired, okay.

i dunno. i guess i wonder if anyone would really miss me if i died. but it feels like a selfish thing to wonder. im not sure.

if you want me at my weakest and you want to make me suffer, its your time to shine because right now i am at the lowest ive been in a while.