#but yea. anyway. i was emotionally unavailable so he had to go

[gojoest]

one tiny part of me wants to go back to tinder for the giggles

[kyuala]

SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything

[melusinealarice]

This has been on my mind for a while so ima start a series

The Lucky One

Chapter 1: Mer

Warnings, hunger games mentions of killing blah blah blah 🩷❤️‍🔥

Backstory: your name is Meredith Yang, you are from district 2 and you’re 16, you’re skilled with the knife and you are small and agile, you have a twin brother, Chris Yang, and a little half sister who is 12, Alexa Grey. It is the morning of the reaping of the 69th games, Clove won the 68th.

You wake up to the sounds of the morning birds chirping. You feel the hard wood floor underneath you, you had slept by your sister’s bed that night because she was having nightmares. You now regretted it, as you craned your neck from side to side you feel stiff. It was the morning of the reaping, and in a house with 3 kids, an alcoholic setp father and a mother who is emotionally unavailable, things get hectic. You spend most of your time out of the house, you didnt really have friends but most people knew you. You used to be sorta friends with Clove, but last year she won and you haven’t really talked to her since, you still see each-other around though. You heard rumors that her family was killed and after that she just kinda turned off.

As you slip on your boots and try to walk as quietly as you can towards the door, your brother jumps out from behind a door making you jump back and yelp. “Damn you Chris” you say smacking his arm. He is laughing hysterically, “thats not funny, what if you woke mom or dad.” He takes a few deep breaths before speaking, “dad is passed out, nothing could wake him, and mom has been up for hours, just laying there.” You roll your eyes, your brother was always observant, “well what about Alexa?” You retort, “im up..” she says still groggy and rubbing her eyes. Just great, so much for sneaking out. “Oh Alex I’m so sorry did we wake you?” I say walking over to sit with her, i shoot Chris a glare before turning my attention back to my sister. “Yea but it’s fine, i need to get ready for the reaping anyways,” she says, you can tell she’s nervous even though she tries to pretend she isn’t. “Ok, ill leave you to that then,” you say kissing her forehead and walking out of the room she shares with pur parents and into the kitchen/living room. You lived comfortably, with one bathroom, 2 sleeping rooms and a kitchen combined in a living room, but it was still cramped, and it was in the poorer part of district 2. As you walk out Chris follows, “where were you sneaking off to?” She says as if he were a parent catching you in the act of doing something wrong. “I wasnt sneaking anywhere, i was on my way to…” you trail off, truth be told you had no idea where you were going, you just wanted out of the house that reeked of alcohol and sweat. “Whatever its none of your business anyways” you say, he scoffs, “okay but remember, the reaping is at 3:00, mom will want us to all go together at 2:00, which means you need to be home by 1 to get ready.” You roll your eyes, as if mom would ever care, and the only reason your stepdad is going is because he has to. “Oh and can you help Alexa get ready?” He says, starting what i assume to be a bath. God, he always cares so much about presentation, since last year he’s even been talking about volunteering one year. “Yea sure,” you say already halfway out the door.

You’re not sure where you’re going so you end up just walking around until its time to go home. “Where were you? I said be home at 1, its 1:15!” Chris snaps the second you walk in. “Its 15 minutes, i think ill be fine.” You reply. Your mom is up and getting ready, almost like a robot, if either you or Chris ever weren’t here, they would all starve to death. Your stepdad has gotten up and run his hand through his hair. Despite Chris’s best attempt to make him presentable he still looks half dead. You walk over to Alex’s room, she is in her dress fiddling with her hair. “Here, let me.” You say taking the brush from her hands. The two of you were opposites, she had golden locks of hair, and wide blue eyes and looked like clear water, her skin was rosy and she looked as if she had been born of a spring breeze. You on the other hand, had hair so dark it was almost black, your eyes were narrow and slanted, your eyes were pitch black and your skin was so white you could see the veins of blue. You were pretty yes, but in a winter snow way. As you brushed her hair out you began braiding one long braid down her back. You would leave your’s down. Alexa wore a pretty white dress with flowers on it, she had even found some wildflowers you wove into her hair. Once she was ready you began working on yourself. It was 1:45, you left your hair down and stripped. You quickly threw on your black dress that stopped just above the knees, it hugged you uncomfortably tight but in contrast to your pale skin it looks magical. You wore your black boots as you had no other shoes and were rushed out the door by Chris.

When you got there the line was incredibly long, it was now 2:30, you stood with your sister until she was led away by peace keepers. You found your spot and looked around for her and Chris. Normally in 2 you dont need to worry about being reaped as usually there is a volunteer, but the year after a win for 2 no one steps up, and last year Clove won.

Before you knew it your district escort, Sadie, a strange woman with Silver hair and skin whiter than yours, who resembled a doll with her silly makeup and outfit, had walked on stage. The victors, Brutus, Enobaria, and Clove were sitting in chairs behind her. On the other side of the stage was the mayor, the head peacekeeper, and another man you didn’t recognize. The short video they play every year seemed to go on for hours. Finally it was over, Sadie wasted no time getting to the choosing of names. “This year lets switch it up.” She chirped in her stupid accent. “Let us start off with the gentlemen.” She walked over to the boys’ bowl and drew out a name. Everyone held their breath. She cleared her throat.

“John Quartz, Joh- ”

Before she could finish someone in the crowd shouted.

“I VOLUNTEER, I volunteer as tribute, for the honor of representing district 2.”

You look over and your mouth fell open, it was Chris, your twin Chris, who barely weighs 120lbs, and yes he is good with a spear, but he’s loud, and slow at times. He is signing up for his own death. You stare at him bewildered, he doesn’t look back once before rushing up to the stage and taking a stand next the Sadie. “Okay then, our male tribute..” “Chris, Chris Yang” he fills in. “Chris Yang!” She repeats.

You’re shocked to say the least, sure he had talked about volunteering but you never thought he was serious.

Before you could process what happened your thoughts were interrupted by Sadie, “and now for the ladies.” She walks over to the bowl, you could cut the tension with a knife, you hold your breath. She draws a name.

“Our female tribute from district 2, Alexa Grey.”

Silence..

Before you can think about it your hand shoots up,

“I VOLUNTEER!”

[nexyra]

RWBY's Love Language - Part 2

Hello friend ! I'm back at it with a second part and whatever character I can think of ! (Among which best boy Oscar because he deserves it, and also more adults)

Let's go !

***

Oscar Pine

So ! While I love Oscar with my whole heart, honestly guessing his Love Language is no easy feat. One thing for sure : touch isn't is thing even if it's how everyone else chose to communicate their love.

I saw a post a while back detailing how Oscar is always putting his hands up as a barrier when he's scared or uncomfortable and that makes me cry a little instead but it's true TT. Anyway...

In the latest volumes we've got quite a bit of comforting Oscar-talks but I have to wonder how much of that is due to Ozpin's influence really. As a result I've decided to settle on... Acts of Service or Quality Time ! This is based on a few details : when people are upset with him in one shape or form, Oscar was always very eager to prove himself useful, give some aspect of concrete help (such as cooking a Casserole, ringing any bell ?). Plus I imagine that's the exact brand of help his Aunt would have needed most on a farm. Added to that, he always seems fairly happy to be included, be with the others no matter what's going on. Training ? Yay ! A movie with Jaune & Weiss ? Smiling puppy look. Fancy party ? Shenanigans together ! So yea, I love seeing my boy loved and hugged but please everyone settle for the loving he's most comfortable with <3

“She made a choice! A choice to put others before herself! So do I.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. I thought you guys would appreciate a hot meal after... spending all day looking for me, apparently.”

“No, it's okay. These past few days, I've been scared of the same things you were. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be... me. But I did some thinking, and I do know that I want to do everything I can to help with whatever time I have left.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Ozpin

For our favorite immortal wizard aka not quite dead Headmaster... I think the answer is rather obvious. When you're so careful with your words, but also so fiercely devoted to humanity, Words of Affirmation is a must. Ozpin constantly does his best to calm, to reassure. He's good at controlling the conversation and getting people where he wants... Except he more often than not use it to make them think and help them reach an healing ore motivating conclusion. This man is so insisten on giving and cultivating hope, so painfully aware of just how much words can change... There's no doubt in my mind that it's through these very same words that he tries to fight the darkness in others' mind, even when they don't want to let themselves be persuaded. And with some help from the farmboi, Ozpin is gaining in honesty and earnestness. And that can only help in giving comfort.

But to be honest... If you offer him a hug I doubt he'd refuse, and he definitely deserves one. Also therapy. For Oscar too. Everyone in therapy 2k21.

“Ruby. I've made more mistakes than any man, woman, and child on this planet. But at this moment I would not consider your appointment to leader to be one of them. Do you?”

“It's not every day that friends are able to come together like this. Time has a way of testing our bonds, but it's nights like these that can help keep them stronger than ever. Nights like these are ones we'll never forget.”

“Don't worry, Mr. Arc. Your journey is far from over, and the same might be said for all of you. Unlocking your Semblance isn't the end. It can still grow and evolve. Providing you are willing to put in the work, who knows what could happen?”

- - - - - - - - - -

Emerald Sustrai

Now here I'm gonna go ahead and say that the way Emerald has been taught to express her love and the way SHE would rather preffered to be loved most likely do not align. At the side of someone like Cinder, and even Mercury who isn't exactly the most emotionally vulnerable person; the only brand of love that gets an easy pass is Acts of Service, and that's probably what Emerald is the most used to. I can go on a mission with you. I can help. We go right back to the "I can be useful" mentality and I'm not sure she's been shown any other way honestly. Let's be real though : if someone offered a hug or some gentle words ? She'd probably pout & fuss but I hardly doubt she'd object.

“I don't care about Salem! But I owe Cinder everything. You want to fight her that bad? Be my guest.”

“I just... Cinder was the only family I ever had. She cared about me, taught me things... But without her here, I don't know if what we're doing--”

“I've been working on my Semblance. I can help. I won't tell anybody.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Pyrrha Nikos

What's with everyone and dedicating their whole love toward just helping their teammates anyway they can ?! Stop ! But any way, you guessed it. I'm pretty sure one of Pyrrha's top way of showing love is Acts of Service, and nothing means quite as much to her as Quality Time. For someone who's been put on a pedestal and has a hard time relating to people; both touch and words can be a bit awkward. But if they're wrapped up neatly in a training session or semblance explanations ? Well that's already a more familiar area. Pyrrha gives her whole to her friends and those she cares about. And in exchange, if anyone can simply... be there and spend time with her... May it be at the ball or simply sitting in the courtyard... I'm sure our girl would be delighted.

“Jaune, you know if you ever need help, you can just ask.”

“I'm constantly surrounded by love and praise; but when you're placed on a pedestal like that for so long, you become separated from the people that put you there in the first place. But thanks to you, I've made friendships that will last a lifetime.”

“I'll do it. If you believe this will help humanity, then I will become your Fall Maiden.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Qrow Branwen

If I say Gift Giving for the corvid, is someone gonna hit me ? Come on it's fun ! Okay, more seriously... I think this kind of love conversation is kind of a necessity for Qrow. With a semblance such as Bad Luck, making everything complicated... Qrow tries to keep his distance from those he cares about. And since he's an emotionally repressed (but caring) asshole on top of it... Well that kinda narrows down his option. You know what DOESN'T put anyone at risk but can still bring smiles on their face ? GIFTS. Shiny things, souvenirs from his missions all over the world to give to 2 smol nieces. Sounds safe right ? That said, as any good emotionally unavailable character in this show, I gotta say Qrow probably has a thing for helping out and making himself useful in relation to Oz, Tai or the rest of the inner circle. So you know what that means *whisper* Acts of Service.

That said ! When it comes to receiving some love back... Qrow probably likes everything he doesn't allow himself to have. Soft touches, loving & comforting words, spending time with a friend without his semblance making everything complicated... We know that's all he wants.

“You idiot. I know you didn't do this.”

“Look, pal, I'm not sure who you are, but you need to leave my niece alone.”

“No one wanted me... I was cursed... I gave my life to you because you gave me a place in this world... I thought I was finally doing some good...”

- - - - - - - - - -

Clover Ebi

And among our newbies (and gone too soon) friends we have Clover ! Clover was a very good contrast to our dusty old crow but also a great help. Kind-hearted, perceptive and honest; he knew just how to put Qrow's self-loathing in his place and push him to give himself some credit. He always had a nice word or a joke for everyone, and visibly the rock of the Ace Ops : an expert a keeping the moral up and the mood companiable. Evidently, Words of Affirmation was his expertise. Had things gone differently, I'm sure we'd have had time for many more earnest and helpful conversations with this teal-eyed fisherman.

“It's a good thing they had someone to look up to and get them through it. Not everyone is so lucky.”

“I meant deflect a compliment. Those kids wouldn't be where they are without you. You've had more of an effect on them than you realize.”

“We don't have to fight, friend.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Winter Schnee

And today in the "emotionally unavailable" category we have... Winter Schnee ! TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS PEOPLE ! Just - I would say look at Ruby but even she doesn't talk about her bad vibes... Nor does any of the "Words of Affirmation" peeps. Honestly what's wrong with y'all people ? Anyway Winter cares so much. Is it hidden behind professionalism and a stern *big sister* demeanour ? Sure. But it doesn't negate just how much she loves her closed ones. She's fiercely loyal, and even if she doesn't let her personal feelings get in the way of her duty and doing what needs to be done, no one is allowed to say she doesn't care. Countrary to Weiss, Winter doesn't seem as good nor as aware of the love that exists in simply *being* with people. Rather, she's dutiful and ready to help any way she can when given the chance. You guessed it, yet another Acts of Service kind of love... Maybe I'm doing this wrong XD. I'm on the fence about Words of Affirmation as well. Despite her standoffish looks, Winter has always been very open & reassuring during her discussions with Penny. But she's more stern when it comes to Weiss so I dunno x)

“I don't recall asking about your ranking, I'm asking how you've been. Are you eating properly? Have you taken up any hobbies? Are you making new friends?”

“You've grown up a bit, haven't you? You're not the little girl clinging to the family name anymore.”

“You can't just buy trust like everything else! You have to earn it!”

And that's it for Part 2 ! I might do some other characters if people suggest some but I don't have a pressing need to right now. I have many ideas of songs to apply to various characters however so that's prob what my next posts will consist of (or fun templates)

If anyone has tips to create RWBY gifs or links to download the eps in good quality I'll take it ! Good day everyone !

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I remember when dad couldn't pick me up after our 2nd transfer bus got pulled out from dropping me and the other kids in my neighborhood. It was bus 130.

That whole end of my 7th grade year, I walked the way home by myself. I cut through northern high parking lot and around that big ol' man made water basin that they had there. It stood across the view of a gas station and a Publix. Man, did they have some good ass chocolate chip cookies, not too hard and not too doughy. It was like a soft, hard cookie dough cookie that barely browned in the oven, but just enough for the thick chocolate chunks to melt in your mouth with that buttery dough. I never walked over there though because...mom wouldn't have allowed it...and I was way too scared and nervous to run across the street with those cars there. (Vs now, I do that as a fun, little escape running super speed as soon as the walk light comes on lol 😆 mom and dad think I'm nuts for doing that cause they're afraid I could get hit. But when you blast Jasiah, Denzel Curry, and Suicide Boys in your Ear you feel like you can do anything. So I kick in nitro)

Anyways, the walk was about two to three miles, and at the time that was the longest mom and dad had ever let me walk by myself. Mom wasn't there because she had already moved to Mississippi for her new job. I wanted to help out Dad, since he had to pick up my sisters from school at the same time I got to our base for school bus dropoffs. It was so fun back then to ride the school bus. I always sat near the window, or at least tried....I hated sitting by people I didn't know because I was afraid people were gonna make fun of me for being big or having sweaty armpits. I have noooo idea why, but even my sisters went through it to around their puberty time. It's like our glands produced so much more sweat when we were stressed, working out, or just barely even sweating in Florida. Like all of my shirts always had this itchy, cracked, dry spots in the armpits because I had to swipe sooooo much deodorant on it was crazy. I remember counting it out, like 16, 27 times I would whip cream my damn armpits because kids make fun of you for being fat, now everytime they saw my sweaty, funky pits and yes they used to get that bad it was annoying as hellll. And Bighead used to make fun of me for that. I used to call him all types of names cause he was such an asshole to me and my friends, practically tortured me for fun all through out middle school until we later on had to move to Mississippi too from Florida.

I walked that walk because I never wanted to put my pride to the side and just ask Bighead, the idiot who lived in the same neighborhood as me, like I literally stayed about 10 min walk away...and I could see him and his mom and his sister, who I was friends with...drive pass me each and every day. I would listen to music on the radio with my earbuds in my turquoise mp3 player. They kept playing "There goes my baby" by Usher alot at that time.

I even remember reading The Giver on the walk home, because I really didn't wanna miss my favorite home TV shows like iCarly, sometimes Arthur or whatever cartoons on Cartoon Network.

I used to think about Bighead alot when that song would play at the same time his mom drove by. I still hated his guts though, always picking on me, being a hassle...it was a honest waste of a crush to have even liked him. He never changed as I found out later on in high school when we both reached back out to each other, on and off. Total jackass. Probably a narcissist...

Speaking of books, Ms. Simmons gave us this book about the holocaust called Night by Elie Wiesel. It was a good book and Im shocked crazy earring Ms. Simmons thought it was ok for us to read about kids and people getting hung, but I was glad she did. It had an audio book that cams with it, I almost wanted to watch it if they ever made it into a movie.

I think Ms. Simmons might have inspired me to wear different, quirky earrings like that. Cause she was the 1st white woman I ever seen wear them like that or even asymmetrical earrings. She loved alot of color and if she wore cherries, she had cherry earrings, sorta like that. Matchy-matchy. She even had a candy cart after school so I sorta liked her for being creative. That was until she pissed me off about a test,

And I don't play about my tests.

My ass was on the line, that's why.

I hated getting bad grades at home, because who do you think starts checking up on you more??

Yea, and I hate being micromanaged...if I even got a C or a low B, dad would lecture me on doing a better job cause he didn't want my grades to fall 😒 I always tried to explain myself when I felt like it was an unfair grade cause some people put trick questions or essay sections. And I used to hate those. Now I double check everything and I have alot more to say, instead of being afraid that I'll get it wrong, fucking up my chances to get a closer chance at an A or a B. Daddy said to always go for A's, always do your best. But that meant cramming my short term, photographic memory with alot more papers and notes.

Boy did I used to hate taking notes. Now after everything, I see I need notes to keep up on knowledge and bullshit from misinformation given to me by other people.

I used to actually be so innocent, only caring about not disappointing my parents and not making them look bad when we go to school or go out with them in public. And of course kicking Bighead in the nuts everytime he made me feel like the ugliest girl in school just because he made a comment about my fat rolls popping out in my bright, tight, stretchy cotton tshirts or from me not smelling good from being sweaty 🙃 he had a whole bunch of people I didn't even know, just laughing at me just because he made it seem like it was ok for them to laugh at me because he was. He started it. And it kept going 6th and 7th grade...it followed me all the way until I....well until I realized Darius wasn't my person either 😑

Fairytales and movies blew up these love scenarios, and even in anime or Korean dramas (based on Japanese anime) where the quiet, shy girl ends up falling for the aloof, emotionally unavailable guy who's cute and he's popular, "but oh, he would never talk to me or look at me that way" sighhhh, babygirl feeling.

Then at the end he reveals his true feelings and it turns out he made her suffer and wait for him for so long, just because he was too shy to tell her or too ashamed because he didn't want to be made fun of by his friends. And then they kiss and live happily ever after.

That's what the old me in middle school and high school used to think of love in high school was like. Boy, was I stupid 🤣 that's the most dumbest shit I ever heard. People wtfff???!! Why the fuck is it expected for us to be submissive, take this boy's bullshit and commital issues to just you, as if him showing you any kind of attention is worthwhile the wait as if he's the best thing in the world, letting you into his circle like he's vip. Which is not true. Because when you look at somebody like that for so long and then you let them get away with treating you like shit, just because you like them...is so not cool and you deserve better. Looks can only last so long.

And maybe that's why I had to look at that lesson again from somebody like Jay, chubby, but cute, but still not as masculine as Bighead, where at home in Florida, boys who didn't care about you as much, athletes, and mixed/black/white/Asian skinnier people were popular and you weren't....because of your clothes, shoes, your big hands, big feet so you had to wear boy shoes, your thick, strong legs, your height, your double chin, your sweaty gland disorder from puberty, your fat rolls on your back, and even your backpack....was not cool or even popular.

You were different so you just didn't fit in with everybody. But it made me feel alone, cause nobody new looked at me, talked to me, or even asked me where I got my new Adidas (cause I actually did like Adidas).

After awhile I stopped caring and didn't care to give new people a try. I'd rather eat by myself than to eat with people who made me feel unwelcome with stares, stressing me out because I don't know what they're judging me on or was gonna comment on me next. It was so aggravating for me just to speak to someone random unless we had to because of class. I really don't remember nobody was calling me ugly, but just for them to comment on anything little thing or how my hair looked like momma did, really hurt.

And it was mindfucking me. Because the people I ended up running away to, did the same thing as them. Reminding me of home in Florida, where comments felt like mom's pinches. Reminding me that I'm not doing a good enough job of representing her, or just looking good enough to be liked or told I looked great today. Because I rarely got compliments until I got a perm redid, or I got braids. I'm glad I rebeled against perms because my ends kept breaking off and I would hate how rough the texture would get and I wore bonnets/wraps that kept falling off because I'm a wild sleeper, always kicking and moving around. Maybe that wasn't a good mattress match for me idk....but taking care of permed hair was so frustrating. They said don't use too much heat to flat iron or flat iron too much, but your hair don't look good as is, not being straight and I hated how that Florida humidity would poof up my hair because our school was not an all indoor school. There was only the 7th grade hallway and the gym in AC, but everything was fucking outdoor, concrete style. So you was always hot, always sweaty. So not the same in Michigan. I always thought I looked like Dora with my orange tan and black Bob hair. I never liked taking pictures in middle school because I felt so ugly just because no boy at school had asked me out, and the boy I wanted was a little ass, scrawny, bony bully, picking on me at school for how I looked and how I dressed, and my sweaty, funky pits and even my boobs. He made me hate my big boobs. He always made fun of them in how I ran when he would pass me on the track with his friends. It was hard enough to have older boys say something when you got DD's at such a young age....I hated them. I would have donated mine to the girl with A cups because I hated them being made fun of or being commented on. It was embarrassing for me when ppl would ask me what size are they and I felt pressured to say what size. I hated when a group of people would come up to me to say something, I would go defensive, excited, anxious, tense, and then almost ready to fight if they said something I didn't like to hear cause constant criticism made me not wanna hear any of it. And mom didn't make it no better "do you want people talking about you?" It was just a hassle to please her and she almost always bought clothes that either felt uncomfortable to wear, but was cute for her, so she made me wear it, or she just wanted it because of the patterns she liked. I rarely had a choice or say in anything. And that I didn't like too, because it's my body. But to them, it belonged to them and I had to do what they said. Wearing clothes that felt unreal, unmanageable because most of it in my closet weren't really mine, they were hers.

I guess she got the memo, so she started doing gift cards. I can't believe I used to wear fuchsia or hot pink so much and my skin color down there looked like a browned, golden-orange. We used to wear alot of orange and bright green too. Green and gold used to be mom's favorite colors. It reminded me of Christmas 🎄 which I also miss too.

Christmas in Florida used to be the greatest because we had a house full with aunty and uncle and the cousins. Flint used to feel the warmest because when we visited got the holidays, everybody was there. All in one place. We were together, celebrating, eating homemade country style, traditional food all night long, with the kids in my other grandma's basement watching movies and playing games, and the adults upstairs. I always felt like the baby and later on the middle child between both, child and adult.

And I'm kinda seeing now I got stuck this way, people pleasing towards both sides, between the adults and the kids because I was so used to being the middle man, the negotiator, the even-steven, fair and square, Charlie Brown in my family as being the oldest. I always felt the need to keep both sides on one accord, because sometimes we misunderstood each other. Cause that's the way dad brought it to me, he was Mr.negotiator between me and my mom growing up. He got to have fun and play games and sports, watch cartoons with me as a kid, and then at home with mom he would do romantic, adult stuff for mom like drink out of these expensive looking wine glasses and chocolate strawberries 🍓

[liliumwallichianum]

how is it the end of june already

Hello I’ve had a whack-ish but great day. first i’d like to say I am so grateful for the practice of yoga but specifically ASHTANGA yoga and thank u jonny kest for spreading the love for it the way you do. i would also in another life leave my entire family and career behind to be jonah kests traveling yoga groupie bc he’s just so beautiful HAHAH KIDDING okay anyways

I would like to stop having crushes on emotionally unavailable younger men who have commitment and vulnerability troubles. aka i would like to stop having the ONE crush that I have rn/have been having for months and months and cant shake which is really annoying because I havent been this attached to the idea of being with someone since my toxic ex like TWO years ago soooo ... yea. Idk why I just like them younger I feel like they are more interesting and diverse? & this one is def way smarter? idk a lot of guys my age are so copynpasted but yea anyways I keep telling myself i’m gonna stop having this crush like every week and it fails every week and the most annoying part is that this is a mf LONG DISTANCE CRUSH so not only is “out of sight out of mind” failing me rn but being long distanced combined w the fact that he “has commitment issues” &&&&& also (i think) just wants to sleep with me is a combo for FAILURE so i will try to snap out of it asap. R’s advice was to just full send make it clear that i have this crush and put propositions out there but I think i could vomit from just thinking about it so i’m gonna go w trying to snap out of it first.. even tho i’ve been trying to do this for like 10 months but wateva at first if u dont succeed try try again amirite 

y is it so much easier to hate men and focus on myself when I’m in heartbreak mode lmfao 

[megwritesfanfiction]

The Lies We Told (Beast Boy/Raven , Chapter 7/??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans. This is a work of fiction that I am not making a profit off of.

Author’s Note: Onward! (This turning out to be longer than I planned, but... Thems the breaks! The goal is not to rewrite this again!! 

Need to catch up? I got you fam!

Past Chapters: Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

Chapter Seven: Make Believe

“I miss you.”

Rachel rolled her eyes, slouching in the cafe chair, adjusting the phone on her ear. She remembered when she found his affection endearing. She remembered it being a nice feeling knowing that someone thought she was worthy of love, and she’d worked hard to return his feelings. She had honestly tried to love him. Over the last few months, Rachel found herself being annoyed with Garth’s affection and constant attempts to be near her. She knew it was normal, in a healthy relationship, for one’s significant other to want to spend time with their partner.

“Think you’ll be able to escape the evening shift?”

Rachel had, shamefully, tried ghosting him. She figured he would eventually grow tired of having a not only having an emotionally stunted girlfriend, but a physically unavailable one.

“I could make you dinner. I could get you some of that chocolate sauce you like from the shop around the corner for dessert.”

And, give him a chance to propose? No thank you. “That sounds nice, but,” She tried forcing some warmth in her voice as her fingers played with the ceramic mug in front of her. Rachel had decided to go to her favorite cafe near her job at the library to drink lattes and engulfed in a selection of pastries. “I have to see if I can get someone to cover my shift.” She didn’t have to work evenings at the library. She typically worked the morning shift, and left her evenings open to teach yoga. Now, her evenings were for Gar.

“I’ll tell you what.” He let go of a breathy chuckle. “I’ll get the whipped cream…” His voice trailing off at the suggestion.

The extra shifts at the library gave her an excuse to avoid Garth, and then meet up with Garfield after. She honestly hadn’t heard what he said. “I’ll see what I can do.” She had to face him somehow. Rachel was impressed that she managed to avoid him for the last two months. She thanked the stars (the rising crime rate and her ability to pick up evening shifts when she pleased) that their work schedules rarely seemed to align as of late.

“Let me know.” Garth told her from his side of the phone. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She didn’t mean to say it, but it was a habit now. Rachel ended the call, sitting her cell phone face down on the table. She was determined to enjoy the latte and cheese danish in front her, and then grab a muffin or another cheese danish.

“Is anyone sitting here?”

Of course this question had to come with her mouth stuffed gluttonously with danish. She looked at the man standing next to her. Her narrows at the olive skinned man with black hair. His green eyes bore mischief as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “Yes.” Normally, she would place a hand over her mouth to spare someone from watching her chew and talk at the same time. Instead, she stuffed another large piece of danish in her mouth. “I am.” Maybe if she kept eating, she wouldn’t fit into the bridesmaids dress she’d have to wear in a few weeks.

The man chuckled, seemingly unaffected by her attitude. “I meant in the other chair across from you. I could join for coffee.” He smirked flirtatiously, raising his coffee mug.

Rachel ignored the warm flutter in her stomach as she shoved another piece of pastry into her mouth. Keeping their gaze locked, she kicked the chair in question away from the table. “What chair?” She asked innocently. The violet haired woman was already cheating on Garth, she didn’t need to cheat on Gar as well.

He chuckled, pulling the chair she kicked back to the table and took a seat across from her. He took a sip of his coffee, setting the mug on the table.

Rachel really didn’t have time for this. She shoved a chunk of the pastry in her mouth, chewing it roughly.

“Is that anyway to treat your boyfriend?”

Violet eyes narrowed, confused. “Garfield?” She questioned, eyes going wide. It had taken her some time to adjust to the blonde hair and pale skin, but the man before her was the opposite of the image she was used to.

“Yep.” He smirked, picking up the danish and taking a large bite from it. “That’s pretty good.” He took another bite.

“You’re getting me another one.”

“You had like more than half of that one.”

“You’re getting me another one.” She snatched the pastry from him. “What are you doing here?” Her eyes scanned him over. “Looking not like you…”

“Well…” He raised his right hand, showing the holographic ring on his right hand. “This is little thing can be tweaked to alter my appearance, so I figured I’d change it for a bit so we can hang out.”

She shook her head. “I think I like you green best.” She commented.

“I prefer my green self too, but it doesn’t do much to help me blend in.”

True. They were already playing a dangerous game.

“We can spend more time together with less worry.”

“Yea, now I’m cheating on both my boyfriends with some random guy.” She teased. Rachel was ashamed to admit how easily she could joke about the situation now. “He called by the way.”

“Garth?” He questioned, taking a sip of his drink.

She nodded, picking over the last pieces of her pastry. “He wants me to make dinner.”

Green eyed widened in realization.

“Yep.” Rachel sighed. “I’m pretty sure he wants to propose to me.” She slumped down in the chair, hand resting on her forehead.

“You don’t have to go.”

“I haven’t seen him in months.” She frowned. “I don’t have much of a choice.”

Gar nodded, understanding. “We could get out of here for a couple hours. Go walk by the lake, get a hotel room,” He smirked, eyebrows raising. “Get some lunch. We could go to your favorite sushi place before you go?” He stood holding his hand out.

“I’d like that.” Standing, she smiled. Rachel picked up her jacket and took his hand. “But, you owe me another danish before we go.”

Gar laughed, squeezing he hand and placing a kiss on her knuckles. “As you wish.”

Rachel decided to enjoy this while it lasted.

[my-bobohu-blog]

personal updates before bed~

school wise... mmm... depression/anxiety/stress are still there... still very present and still... very much dealing with all of that. academic coursework and everything i can handle pretty well. there’s only a few weeks left so i’m just taking it day by day and trying to do the best i can. i’ve been pretty on top of everything so i should still end this quarter pretty well if i keep it up for a few more weeks. the d/a/s is umm... taking it’s toll? but i’m handling it a lot better... some days better than others... some days not so great. like i was really anxious today and kept shaking but i managed to get through the day so that’s always good. i took a big nap when i got home too so that was also great. and there was no homework due tonight so i didn’t do anything all day LOL. tomorrow is thursday and i’m gonna wake up early and head to school to do some review for bio since i have an exam on friday. tomorrow is just gonna be bio review then i’ll spend the weekend studying for chem since i have a quiz next week and i really need to study for chem and get all that together. mmm... i’m still on track to getting two degrees and a minor... there will probably complications on the road to getting them because i’ve just learned to expect that now from this institution because they just love fucking me over... mmm... not much i can do about that though except try my best and just enjoy learning about science when the time comes. i’m done applying to the MLS program! skogs just sent my letter of rec this morning and hopefully they’ve received it. dsjfsldjfsdf i really really really really really hope i get in because mls is literally my saving grace and my hail mary and my everything. like there’s not really a plan b? well... i kind of have a plan b. i was just gonna haul ass and finish bio in a year and just graduate with my bio degree. sdfslkdjfsldf but we will seeeeeeeeeee. ahhh... but mls is... like... my everything. literally. 

personal life... mmm... not the worst it’s been? honestly not the worst. oshian slept over yesterday and we just spent the day talking. watched hidden figures finally and got kbbq afterwards~ i told her about hai and she’s super duper convinced that he likes me and that i should make a move. she consulted her boyfriend taylor and he also agrees and i’m just like shut up all of you *blushes* but yea... i think... i really want to try... because i think... he could like me back? and... i want to try. he makes me feel happy... like... breathing is a lot easier when i’m around him... so... i want to try. and maybe he likes me and maybe he doesn’t. maybe he does but maybe he’s not ready... either way, i want to try and whatever happens- i know i want to keep him in my life whether it’s as friends or as more... so no matter what i’ll meet him where he’s at and how he’s feeling when all this comes to... we’ll seeeeeeeeee. LOL my current plan of action is to hold his hand though~ the whole “can you hold this for me?” and then just put my hand in his. i’ll just laugh and smile at it and if he keeps holding on then that’s where we’ll be. idk. it’s worth a shot i think. it makes me nervous honestly LOL i’m like trying very hard to keep my chill right now because if i get my hopes up too high then it’ll hurt all the more and i’ll end up pushing him away. DEEP SIGH. it’s alright. it’ll be okay. but anyways~ along the lines of friendships, i have oshian, hai, bb yeh, and ryan. oshian is there for me to rant with, hai listens and makes me laugh and just... leaves me in a good place, bb yeh is just my twin soul honestly, and ryan is nice enough to keep me company every once in a while. so i’m not alone and i’m learning that and it’s helped a lot.

i’m still dealing with a lot of things but... it’s... okay? like i /am/ dealing with them and it’s a lot but... bit by bit it’s okay. like even if i’ll be in school for two more years and even if i’m gonna have to haul ass... it’s all temporary? and i still have my future and i still have a lot to live for? right? so... yea... life hasn’t gotten any easier, but i’m learning how to deal with what it throws at me. i’m getting a lot better at handling the d/a/s but it’s... a work in progress. i’m a work in progress. it doesn’t go away just because i want it too. it’s there and i just deal with it in the healthiest way i can and hopefully that’s enough to get me to the next day. 

anyways... that’s where i’m at currently. i spend a lot of days just sleeping in the late afternoons. i post a lot to the other blog just because it’s soft and vulnerable there and that’s how i’ve been feeling lately. it makes me happy though. i really like it there. mmm... i miss exo a lot. i feel like i’ve been really worried about them lately... and everything just makes me nervous? i don’t know why. but i hope they’ll be nine again soon because i’ve missed them together. mmm what else... idk? i haven’t really been... all /here/ honestly? like mentally? emotionally? i feel so... unavailable. idk. but i guess that’s just another thing i’m dealing with. which is okay too. it takes time and effort and a lot of love.

i’m sure there’s more i want to say... like my refusal to accept the notion that hai might like me back because of reasons? idk there are a lot of things i guess... i just... haven’t figure out how i want to say it yet or how to put it into words. 

hmmmdmmmlmmmm... idk a part of me just wants to keep typing and kind of unleash everything? i’ve been... holding in a lot i think. my stomach feels like it’s in knots these days and i’ve had a lot of breathing problems. idk where to begin or end or whatever though. ahhh oh well. 

okay. that’s probably enough for a personal update mmm? 

laaa dee daaa~ goodnight~

[groupie-inspired]

this is the most truthful thing about men i have interacted with.

if you are. a man. read this for the insider hot take !! from my female perspective

(girls may resonate)

like most of my female friends are lesbians or are bi yet choose to only date women and honestly. girl i am ready to follow suit

guys are just. hm.

and the hard part too is like i go for band guys and i want them to not be Awful but unfortunately i end up with emotionally unavailable babies because my father is an emotionally unavailable baby man and that’s probably what it’s about

i want to reform the douche bags but it does not fucking WORK for ME. sometimes they end up a better person but i never get anything from them for that and it’s like

i literally had to be your fucking therapist, your mother, your friend, your whatever and for WHAT

i get sad and i cry about these guys mainly because they won’t cooperate and i mean really at this rate i just feel like guys are fucking vending machines that i try to shake until one (1) emotional validation coin falls out

it’s like i cry because i KNOW im better than this shit and im like. bitch. you are so STUPID and like the guys also know that i am better than this shit a lot of the time aND YET

and there have been situations where these guys have LITERALLY been older than me and yet been less mature than me in so many ways and I’ll be like. he can do better, he’ll do better. but SIKE they will be thinking to themselves “i can do better” but wait fifteen fucking years to do better, and I probably will never even get to see the results of my literal LABOR at this point

like y’all should’ve paid me for showing you the light I never used to feel this way but now. You All Have Changed Me. so good on you

and part of it to is like. have y’all ever seen a nike commercial????

Just Do It

just fucking like. stop thinking about every little thing like what if I won’t work what if this what if I don’t want this and it’s like

you will never even KNOW IF YOU NEVER SPEAK TO ME NORMALLY LASHWLGSOWGSOWGWLGEOW

and other than these guys I swear there are LIKE SEVEN GUYS QHO ARE ACTUALLY KIND THAT LIKE ME AT SCHOOL BUT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM BECAUSE I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PROBLEMS AND THEY ARE NOT NY TYPE AND ITS LILE. WHO DID THIS TO ME. and they’re all fucking friends but it’s not a problem between them because they all KNOW that they probably won’t date me and it’s like

what even IS THIS

who do you guys think I AM

like why do you show up only to run away why are you scared of strong women

like you go for a 16 or 17 year old maybe because you think she will take ur shit and also be immature & pliable but then y’all find me and I am not that and you’re like

BRB GOTTA DIP

i am not even your catholic school girl fantasy my school uniform has PANTS. PANTS!!!!!!!!

I just wanna know why so many men go about life acting like other people aren’t even something to truly be concerned with. It’s always like. How could this benefit ME? and it’s like. Other People Exist.

like if I sent you a pic of me in my bra can you maybe pretend to have HALF AN EMOTION FOR ME

because it was fucking YOU WHO STARTED THIS

like why did YOU do this????????

99% of the time i Was Just Minding My Own Business

and it’s like sure man im glad you’re having a good time assessing your options but have you considered the fact that this is not a FUCKING SHELF in the CLEARANCE section at TARGET

it’s not like one of them is gonna be labeled 50% off or something and there will be less risk associated

yet you still are out here acting like each and every “option” is!!! Buy One Get One Free!!!!

and you know what this the TRUTH and I don’t even care if y’all don’t like me anymore!!!!!!!

you act like A FOOL a literal FOOL. send in the CLOWNS my DUDE

and I bet a man won’t even read this far because they usually don’t even have the attention span to say goodbye to me after they get what they Came for if you know what i mean

im tired of being nice because literally. do y’all deserve manners???????? i am from QUEENS so I am a BITCH and yet I try to be the bigger and better person in all these situations.

But I am just ANNOYED

it’s like i will feel strong emotions for a person and their reaction is basically like. hm that’s weird maybe stop that whilst they keep fucking rag dolling me thru drama after drama

i feel like i run some type of bs rehabilitation center. they show up and im like

hey. stop that

omg you’re right I’ll stop that

ok good so you’re gonna be more responsible with other people

yea

*they proceed to fall off the face of the earth*

I have had like multiple different variations of this kind of situation so if you are a Man and you think this is about you. in some way, it is.

i don’t want to hurt anyone yet you will walk around and just do shit because it’s better for YOU and not even prioritizing whether or not your actions hurt people who invested time and emotions into you because they believed you were good and could do better and saw the truth of who you were and didn’t let you hide like a fucking toddler

like I don’t wanna hurt any of these guys feelings but.... :/ I can’t afford to care that much anymore!!

so maybe like think before you get your dick out next time???? that people aren’t just things for you to use when you want or move around like pieces on a chess board to suit your “strategy” or “master life plan” or whatever the fuck

you’re a man so your success and happiness and love and lust is of the UTMOST importance all the time regardless of how anyone is impacted

it’s like have you fully considered that i, too, Have needs and if you can’t meet them??? don’t lie to me and act like you can be a FRIEND to me when you CANT

and then if you’re gonna say that you are different now and shit because of what ive said? maybe thank me properly by informing as to what the fuck is going on? instead of acting like you died or something LMAO

and I have had this happen with friends too where like five or six months after I cut them off they message me like Hey Lena. What Is Going On. like. you are gonna act like what happened didn’t happen? you’re gonna act like you didn’t take from me and lie to my fucking face? at my birthday party? BITCH!!!!

CONCLUSION (most important part i guess)

and anyway the truth is

if i invested in you in these ways that ive discussed, it was because i loved you. and if you aren’t mature enough to comprehend that love is not a scary word then I am not for you. because i try my best to love everyone and everything in this world, provided that they do not harm other people. if i did these things for you, even in my frustration, i probably STILL love you. and im sorry that, you don’t love me back. and you can’t experience the joy that comes with loving me, and the joy, and the loyalty, and the peace—the understanding that all people are connected thru love. i am truly sorry that you are afraid to have that, or don’t understand what that is. but, i won’t stop loving you because im fucking embrassed, or some people who don’t understand my philosophy think im weird. i won’t stop loving you just because some people think it’s “too much”. i am a lover, it is who i am, and i refuse to change myself for anyone— let alone a selfish man who can see nothing farther than his hand in front of him. every single day of my life is a struggle to maintain that love. i have never been shown love in the ways that i deserve, and yet i strive EVERY DAY to extend my love to the people and animals and plants that exist in this world. i have fought practically everyday of my life to love myself enough to keep living. to love those going thru challenges and who disrespect me. so truly!!!

im sorry that you don’t know what love is. yet, i hope one day, that you do.

[deathtoclones]

Hello! I’m replying to your msg from a few days ago ^^ I’m the same I can’t function if I sleep too little, and do you have an issue with staying out too late too? I’m the same and it drains me and I feel so irritated I did not complete whatever I intended to cause of it. Wait, are you planning to move on from your company next year? I agree that relationships are a combo of right person/right timing. I’m in the same place as you! (1/5)

I just haven’t met anyone I want to connectwith (but it’s not like I’m meeting a lot of men just to date). Sigh I havesome very shi-tty luck in this department though. I have flaws and everythingbut I don’t consider myself super bad in looks or personality; it’s probably myself-esteem or something but I don’t get as many people asking me out as somepeople I know. And it always leaves me feeling very down and inferior =( I’dhave people showing major interest who are taken. (2/5)

Remb the strange guy and his colleagues? Turnsout he’s married with kids. And he’s not the first unavailable guy to come onto me. The other thing I keep facing is people who show interest in 2 people atthe same time – me and another girl and always “chooses” the other people inthe end, making me feel made use of and idk, like I’m lacking. Something likethis happened recently too, this colleague suddenly started flirting with mebig time asking me to hang out etc (3/5)

..when he used to ignore me; and he actuallyhad (and still has) something going on with my other colleague – whose in themiddle of a divorce. And I’m like…?? These things can hurt me quite abitthough. Thanks for the encouragement :) My grams seems to be alright but needsto go in for biopsies and stuff like that and there is a lot of tension in thefamily in terms of caretaking arrangements, sigh. (4/5)

I read about your grams and I hope thateverything is ok; that she’s coping well and that the family is getting throughwith it ok too? I know how emotionally tough it can be so big virtual hugs. :D(5/5)

Yes, I do. Big time. That’s why I try not to go out if Iknow I have to get up early the next day unless I’m meeting someone who I knowhas to get home early too (or has better self-control than I do). But most ofthe time, the tiredness is manageable. As long as I don’t do it too often.

Well, it’s all contingent on getting the F visaover the summer. If I do that, the plan is to leave my company by mid-January and run myown company. It’s just going to be a small, one-person operation, but I want tohave time to get the foundation set up on that before I leave full-time work, aswell as build up a decent savings so I’ll be able to cover all my bills until Ican get the company generating a decent income. A friend of mine who started a successfulventure company a few years ago has offered to help with the ins and outs(business registration, accounting, website, marketing, etc.). And anotherfriend is a recruiter for corporate English classes and said she could set meup with classes if I need another income source for a bit. ^^

So yea, if all goes according to plan, I’ll bea small business owner and completely self-employed by this time next year.

I completely feel you on that. Most of the menI meet nowadays, it’s in a professional capacity, so I’m not really interestedin dating any of them (plus most of them are married or almost married or inserious relationships, so unavailable anyway). I’ve had my fair share ofunavailable guys come on to me over the years, but it’s pretty easy to brush them off. My exstill hits on me whenever we run into each other and usually just asking howhis current girlfriend is will get him to back off. >.

I don’t know, I go back and forth. Some days I’msuper confident and think to myself, “You know, I am a catch. Any guy would be lucky to have me,” and then others I wonder how any guy could stand to put up with me. I run through the whole gamut of reasons: it’s because I’m too old, I’ve gained weight, I’m not pretty enough, I’m too emotional, etc. It’s a normal thing, but I just try to remind myself that I have friends and family who love me, faults and all. And hopefully someday, I’ll get the chance to meet the right sort of guy. Haha, someday it’ll be the right time and the right guy. In the meantime, I’ll just keep myself busy by filling my life and time with things that I enjoy doing, people I love and such. ^_^

And yea, rejection hurts. Rejection in any form hurts, though some more than others. That could possibly be a subconscious reason why I just flat out refuse to date at the moment. I’ve dealt with enough in the last 4 months or so that I seriously don’t want to throw rejection from a guy in there too. Nope, got no time for that.

Haha, that kind of reminds me of something oneof my co-workers said once. We were working late shift and were discussing allthe various reporters at different outlets that we both knew and who wasmarried to whom and such. He commented that there were a ridiculous amount ofoffice romances/couples here and at the other news outlets he worked at in thepast, and he was glad he found and married someone who doesn’t work in media. Ihad no idea, mostly because I’m pretty oblivious to that type of office gossip.But yea, I suppose it’s a lot more common than one would think. At least than I originally thought.

I’m happy to hear she’s doing okay. That canput a strain on a family. I’m currently wondering how that is going to play outwith my Grams. She currently lives alone in a house she and Papa bought about10-15 years ago and her finances are pretty atrocious (Papa always took care ofthat so she’s struggled a bit since he died). At the moment she is able to takecare of herself for the most part, but I’m wondering who is going to eithermove in with her or take her in when she starts getting worse. Thankfully, wehave some time to figure that out. She’s going in for a biopsy hopefully thisweek to see if she can get in a research study, but outside that, she’s stillin good spirits and relatively strong. I’m planning to try and call mygreat-aunts and uncles and see what they’ve been discussing and if there isanything I can do to help from here. I can’t really drop everything and go backto care for her, but at the very least I can offer to help out financially. I think my sister is planning to do that as well.

We’ll figure it out. It’s going to be tough nomatter what, but I’m doing my best to stay strong for her. ^^