#but y'know when you're experiencing something and you can tell even when it's over it's gonna have a lasting effect

[thethingything]

I found a case study where someone was on Ciprofloxacin (the antibiotic that permanently fucked us up) and then put on Clarithromycin (the one we've just been on) and ended up on a psych ward because of the psychiatric side effects of the Clarithromycin, and apparently they wore off within a week so I guess that's something? maybe?

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

𝓲𝓶𝓾𝓰𝓲 𓆗༒︎𓆘

wc: 2.9k reader: afab (no pronouns at all used to refer to reader) warnings: smut 18+; MINORS DNI!!! -- specific warnings under the cut -- swearing, angst, violence (very little depicted and no graphic descriptions), also happy? ending? love? something along those lines. summary: in the case of his failure, the serpent god imugi chooses two new vessels every one hundred years. the primary vessel is raised in isolation and the spirit god awakens in this body. the ultimate vessel lies in wait until it's finally time for the merge. you're so close you can taste it. if only this generation's primary vessel wasn't such a pitiable, loveless creature. modern dark fantasy AU. find other works here ���✩‧₊˚ yep it's a 𝓻𝓲𝓬𝓴𝔂 fic. bit the bullet and went for it. though a lot of lore describes imugi as a dragon/lizard king, this version of him is based on the imugi character in the tale of the nine tailed. he's more like an elegant, tortured serpent-human villain? i just think ricky is perfect for this concept and it was fun to write tbh! i took a lot of liberties with the lore lmao. lemme know what you think xx

EXPLICIT SMUT 18+ WARNINGS: experienced!reader and touchstarvedvirgin!ricky, both of them are subby and dominant at different points that's just how imugi rolls y'know, choking (reader and ricky receiving), oral (ricky receiving), p-in-v penetration, cumming inside w/ no protection (i literally don't care if you don't use protection i'd nevershame you just thoroughly research the consequences babe), angsty and dark but also love there's love that's kind of really sweet in this EW so be warned.

𓆗༒︎𓆘

a young, icy blonde man walks purposefully down the dark, ornate halls of his estate. one would think he was a prince. and they’d be right. just not the kind of prince that first comes to mind.

“ricky, sir,” you beg as you rush after him, grabbing his silk-sleeve covered arm when he’s finally in reach. “please.”

his head whips around, serpent eyes glowing as his pupils contract and expand. you know you’re not allowed to touch him under any circumstance and the palpable rage in his eyes almost makes you regret breaking the long-respected rule.

almost.

“let go,” he huffs, gaze so white-hot it could melt you to a boiling puddle on the marble floor. when you shake your head, he shoves you down, forcing you to your knees in front of him. “let go or i’ll kill you.”

you don’t. you can’t.

not when you’ve seen what happens if he rushes into battle with the gumiho before the merge. not when you know this decision leads to his servants laying him to rest in the garden every time.

not when you know you could wait a hundred years for his return. for the merging process to begin again. 

a patch of scales appears across his neck, glowing green and unnatural in the dim light of the hall chandelier. you know he means it: he’ll kill you. 

he’s done it three times before. perhaps it’s inescapable this time, too.

so you tip your head back. expose your jugular. wait for him to slice his lizard claw through you like you’d seen him do to so many of his enemies before you.

your friends. your family.

you were only sorry they’d have to die in their next lives, too. all for some prophecy they had nothing to do with.

he brings a hand to your throat, engulfing it in his palm and tilting your head side to side as if examining where to make the incision. he looks you over for another moment, before realization hits him. “you saw something, didn’t you?”

your eyes water with frustration, wishing you could just tell him. even if it meant having to sugarcoat things. if only your own curse didn’t make things that much more difficult. 

his awakening happened at eighteen, the power of imugi coursing through him at an uncontrollable frequency. that’s when it always happens: the destruction of the town and everyone that inhabited it. 

knowing what was coming, you hid— lying in wait until it was over. this time, you’d approached him right after the disaster. though many primal vessels didn’t recognize you after their awakening, you could tell in his contracted serpent eyes that, to some extent, ricky did.

ricky, of course, being the new “fashionable” name imugi chose for this vessel. imugi was always one who wanted to appear cool. whatever the trends were of the time, you could bet his vessel would be following them.

he was an interesting god in more ways than one.

when ricky demanded to hear how you’d somehow known to hide from destruction that left every townsperson dead except for you, you’d stuck with your usual explanation: you were a clairvoyant.

it was a guise you could easily keep up, since you already knew everything that would happen between now and your own awakening. it proved useful enough to each primal vessel and ricky took you in: letting you stay as his guest (prisoner) in his secluded mansion estate. 

there were two little problems though: the first being that you weren’t allowed to tell him his own fate. or else you’d both die. learned that one the hard way. 

most times, you could figure a way around this. you were incredibly clever after all and wise with knowledge beyond your years (literally). but with something so direct as life or death, you always found yourself in a bind right about now.

the second little problem was that imugi always liked to present his ultimate vessel with a charming challenge every rebirth cycle. that challenge was that the catalyst for the merge was different every cycle. 

and you still haven’t figured out what it is this time.

“what did you see?” he demands, tightening his grip around your neck. “tell me.”

biting your lip, you nod dutifully. “just kill me.”

“at this point, i should,” he seethes, throwing you further to the ground as he lets go of your neck. “fucking pathetic waste of investment.”

he spits on the floor beside you before turning around and continuing towards the door. it was beyond time for desperate measures.

“quanrui,” you breathe. the name he’d worn in youth before the birth of imugi had ripped through the weak vessel and torn his human self to shreds. the name his keeper used to call angrily when she’d catch him outside playing with you as a child. through the wrought-iron fence... exchanging pretty-colored stones.

he freezes, body stiffening at the sound of his real name. his jacket falls from his arm to the floor.

“i love you.”

he turns around slowly, lips parted in shock. the patch of green scales around his neck dissolves back into pale skin and his eyes turn a deep, chocolate brown.

“i love y—,” you begin to repeat before realizing you’ve chosen the wrong word. “i mean... i need you.”

“need me,” he repeats softly, full lips pouting as the words fall from them. the primal vessel to the dragon king, born without parents and raised without friends, seems to understand this concept more than that of love. he was used to people needing him, even if it was only to keep themselves alive.

you blink back at him, eyes swimming with desperation. are you getting through to him? will he stay here with you?

“show me,” he orders, closing the door and taking a few slow steps toward you. “show me how you need me.”

you force yourself up to your knees as he closes the distance between you, standing in front of you and waiting for your demonstration. you look up at him, eyes locking as your fingers reach for his belt buckle. it’s nothing you hadn’t done before with other, albeit less powerful and handsome, men.

but he hesitates, flinching back as if he’s afraid of your touch. 

“would you prefer to undo it yourself?” you ask calmly, thinking he might just wish to keep your grimy hands off his expensive clothes. 

“it’s... i don’t—,” he stutters, suddenly avoiding your gaze as if his life depends on it. if only he knew. “i’ve never...”

you feign a gasp. of course he hasn’t. he’s touch-starved and brooding and tragically beautiful. a broken man carrying the soul of a god. like every primal vessel before him. “but how can that be true? you’re so desirable, ricky, sir.”

“shut up,” he barks suddenly, a quick smack across your cheek to put you back in your place. “i’m... i’m sorry, just—... just keep going.”

you fight the urge to smile. this vessel had far more heart than the others. maybe that’s why you’d grown quite fond of him in the years since you’d met him.

your fingers connect with the metal of his belt buckle, unclasping it and pulling it through before discarding it with a clank on the marble floor. he jumps at the sound, swallowing hard as his attention returns to your hands on his black dress slacks. 

“may i undo this, too?” you ask quietly, tapping on the clasp and zipper. he nods slowly, glancing over his shoulder as you make quick work of the fastenings. 

pulling his slacks down with his black, satin boxers, he inhales sharply when the cool air hits him. for a different reason, so do you.

you’d be lying if you said your mouth didn’t water at the sight.

looking up at him through your lashes, you wordlessly ask for permission to continue. he breathes in and out shallowly before nodding just once. so you wrap your hand around his length gently, steadying him as you take him into your mouth.

swirling your tongue around his tip before pushing him in even further, you watch as his head lolls back— tattooed neck exposed as a large patch of scales works its way up his body. 

“feels good?” you ask, unable to help the smugness in your voice as you pop him out of your mouth. you pepper kitten licks around the head of his cock as a strangled moan falls from his lips— a clawed-hand moving to cup your jaw, brushing your cheek cautiously.

you notice the young prince continues to avoid eye contact, no matter how much he’s enjoying what you’re doing to him. you suppose it makes sense. he might fear being vulnerable. he probably never learned how to.

“look at me,” you encourage softly, hand pumping him steadily. “want to see your eyes...”

you’re reminded violently to always be careful of what you ask for as you’re tackled to the ground, glowing, serpent eyes no more than an inch from yours. 

“you think you’re worthy of the gaze of the imugi prince?” ricky hisses— hands pinned beside each of your shoulders as he hovers above you. 

he reaches one hand down to the designer pants that he’d bought you for you last year. you couldn’t wear rags in his presence. dragon claws tear through the fabric, ripping them and pulling them off of you. he doesn’t even have to use a claw to rip through your underwear, discarding them as a patch of scales flashes across his right hand. you should’ve expected such theatrics from imugi’s vessel. the smile that is forming on your face is completely erased as he promptly buries himself inside of you— a moan escaping both of you.

he meets your gaze, pompous smirk accompanying his yellow eyes as he starts to thrust into you. this new skill is undoubtedly the effects of imugi’s extensive spiritual well of muscle memory. “are you happy now? are these the eyes you wanted to see?”

truth be told, they were not. perhaps you’ve just had too much experience already with having imugi inside of you...

“quanrui,” you mewl. “wanna see your eyes...”

he doesn’t respond and instead averts your gaze— continuing to thrust into you, silent and detached. you’re fairly certain this will begin just as it started, until...

“is this what it feels like?” he asks suddenly, chocolate eyes full of innocence once more as he looks at you uncertainly. “love?”

the question shocks you, only able to cry out when he thrusts even deeper into you— cock hitting the fleshy wall of your cervix. you recall what you’d said to get his attention. to keep him from storming out of the door and into the clutches of premature death.

of course, you’d been manipulating him. it was your duty to imugi. how sick you are growing of your eternal duty to that snake.

but you nod. you lie. if you wanted a human life free from the serpent king, you shouldn’t have ever picked that flower from his castle garden.

“then i must love you, too,” ricky breathes, emotion emphasized by a collapse to your chest— deepening the angle of his thrusts until you’re begging for release. “i must’ve loved you even through the fence.”

you gasp, partially because of the desperation in his pace and partially because the last thing you expected was for him to utter such a sentimental confession. you could always tell that he recognized you, but you had no idea until this moment that he remembered from where.

“i’ve never met another person outside of my house before,” the little boy said solemnly. “you’re the first. i’m six. i like your socks.”

“thanks,” you replied with a smile. you’d found him again, even faster in this life than the last. the imugi prince. “my name’s (y/n). i’m seven. my mother owns a bakery in town. she gives free bread to all the children.”

“my name’s quanrui,” he returned, corners of his lips upturning softly. “i wish i could go. i’m not allowed to leave. bad things could happen to me. i guess that’s what happened to my parents, anyway.”

with every rebirth, you felt more sorry for the primary vessel. always so confused about their identity until the truth was revealed: they were never meant to have one in the first place. 

“i like rocks,” quanrui said suddenly, digging in his pocket and pulling out a beautiful emerald stone. “i picked this one up by the fountain. it’s pretty. you should keep it. also i like you.”

something as pure as that had never happened before. you begin to smile now, thinking of it.

a familiar sensation in your stomach begins to bubble abruptly, but it’s not the one you’d normally feel during this act. it’s painful. and the intensity of that pain swells rapidly until you’re screaming in its wake.

“what’s—...” ricky stutters, palpable fear in his eyes. “what’s wrong!? am i hurting you?”

scales, green and eerie begin to patch across your skin; vision blurring as your human eyes are replaced with that of a serpent. vicious claws sprout from your fingertips, so sharp you accidentally cut a small slice across his cheek.

he pulls out of you, clambering back as the frightening transformation occurs before his very eyes. he doesn’t have time to worry for long, as a screeching sound rips through both of your skulls. covering your ears,

you count the seconds until it stops— the heinous noise suddenly replaced by something else.

what the fuck...

you hear it: ricky’s thoughts tickling the back of your brain. 

can you hear me? is the merge complete?

his eyes widen as your voice rings through his mind, blinking as if he’s sure he must be hallucinating. no, no, no. this—... i’m dreaming. i just need to wake up! that will end this nightmare and—

oh, i don’t think so, gorgeous. i think we’re finally getting started.

his jaw drops as you crawl towards him, body stiff and cautious as you slink your way closer. your hand reaches to cup his cheek, thumb ghosting over the small incision you made.

“i know this is a lot to take in, but... i’m actually supposed to dispose of you now. it’s unwise for two imugi vessels to be running amuck,” you hiss, fingers running through his long, white hair. “so i’ve had to make a habit of... retiring the weaker one.”

he gapes at you, eyes shifting back and forth from yellow to brown. “you—... you’re the second vessel? that’s why you could predict the future... you knew all along what would happen? since... since—”

“since the fence, yes. i know. what a shame,” you coo mockingly, wrapping your hand around his neck as he’d done to you earlier. you shove him to the floor, flat on his back as he looks up at you. he doesn’t struggle. “and i’m called the ultimate vessel, thank you very much. it’s so tiresome... always having to be the one to step up and educate you primaries. but then again, telling an innocent child he was born to die is a bit grim. even for imugi.”

ricky stares at you, brow furrowed pensively. what triggered the merge?

his question is a good one. i don’t know. what happened immediately before? 

ricky’s eyes widen. “i—... i said i love you.”

love? could that have really been the catalyst that imugi chose? for his vessels to fall in love? there was one glaring problem with that...

i was lying.

“you didn’t mean it?” he asks after your thought permeates his mind. sadness is visible on his face, but there’s something else much more dangerous underneath it. something like suspicion. and you simply can’t have that.

you smile at him softly, starting to roll your hips against his. he inhales sharply at the sensation, involuntarily grinding against you.

“if you walked out that door, the gumiho would’ve ripped you apart,” you assert, hand reaching to his still-hard cock and lining it up with your entrance— sinking down onto him with a satisfied sigh. “imugi can only win that fight after the merge. i tried my best to allude to that, but you primaries always go and—”

“i’m not them,” ricky yells, causing your lips to part in shock. “stop referring to me as the primary vessel. i understand: you knew all along what would happen to me. you manipulated and lied your way into my life. into my home. my body. and i know now that not one of those things belonged to me from the start. but... my heart does.”

your serpent eyes fade as his human ones bore into you. 

“and the only time i ever felt like it even worked was when i was with you.”

could it really be true? was the reason you were so fond of ricky, more than any other primary vessel before him, by design? had you always been meant to fall in love with him in this lifetime?

a love strung up and puppeted by imugi himself. doomed to end in tragedy.

but this boy beneath you couldn’t see that truth. part of you wished you couldn’t either. part of you wished you could be him for once.

“this never happened before,” you say softly, running your free hand across his chest as you slowly start to lift yourself up and down on his cock. even if this is the most brutal end yet, you might as well make the most of it.

“w-what do you mean?” he asks breathily, voice raspy as he grapples with the renewed pleasure.

“in the previous lifetimes,” you respond with a smile. “this never happened in any rebirth cycle. i think we got close to it once— during a battle so hateful that six servants perished... alongside the both of us.”

you feel him gulp under your palm. 

“but maybe this makes sense,” you continue, speeding up your pace. “in every lifetime, you never learn to love. in every lifetime, you rip love from me. we’re a sorry doomsday pair.”

he moans under you, biting his bottom lip as you milk him between your walls. “fuck...”

“i wonder what would happen if we tried to be partners this time,” you say, high rapidly approaching as the head of his cock hits the sweet spot of your upper wall. “maybe we have what it takes to cooperate with each other. not to mention, we could do this whenever we wanted...”

“but... but imugi wants you to kill—.”

“oh no, the killing you part is all me,” you say with a laugh, the vibration making him whimper. “i really hate competition.”

“fucking— please,” he whines, hands rushing to your hips and guiding you up and down as you start to lose yourself. “kill me if you want, just... let me cum before you do.”

you oblige. he moans sweetly, another few thrusts and he’s spilling himself inside of you. as you feel yourself fill up with his warmth, you reach your climax— back arching as you ride out your high.

you look at him. why are you the only one burdened with eternal memory? you’re astounded by the way he grows more beautiful in every life. 

thank you. he smiles, one eyebrow raised. “does my beauty save me from death?”

you capture his image in your mindseye for another moment, leaning down and connecting your lips to his. it’s a tender thing. in no lifetime have you deserved it. 

when you pull back, you smile and shake your head. “i’m afraid i still desperately yearn to kill you.”

“i don’t believe you,” he says suddenly, hands helping him upwards to a seated position. almost-human eyes meet almost-human eyes.

you blink back at him dumbly. what?

“i don’t believe you, because... i found them,” he says, claws tracing up your incandescent, scale-covered thighs. “in your top dresser drawer. in a blue velvet sachet.”

no. wait. don’t say it. please, don’t say—

“the stones,” he says, a charming and devastating smirk on his perfect lips— eyes flashing yellow just for a moment. quanrui. ricky. imugi. no matter how hard you fought it, you loved them.

all of them.           /              all of them.

[aritsukemo]

makoto naegi relationship headcanons???? 😉😉

Makoto Relationship Headcanons | Danganronpa

Warnings: None.

A/N: Request done! Will this lead to me doing every character in the franchise? Possibly.. Would I mind it if that did happen? Probably not-

↪ Makoto has a pretty average opinion on love. Like any other high school boy his age, he hopes for someone loyal and kind who will truly love him for him. It's pretty boring, but then again, love isn't really something he thinks about on a day to day basis. ( Or a month to month basis even )

↪ Makoto is an amiable and friendly guy so I can imagine him dating someone of the same nature. I don't imagine him genuinely loving someone with a meaner attitude, although I can see him falling for someone who's maybe a bit intimidated.

↪ Obviously if the person is a beauty, they'll catch his attention for a while, but if he finds out that they're not the best person, he'll lose interest pretty quickly. On the other hand, if the person is big and scary or has an overarching presence or reputation, but he learns that they're actually pretty friendly, seeds of a possible crush could plant itself in his heart.

↪ Basically what I'm saying is that overall he's just a big personality man.

↪ Now, when Makoto has a crush on someone, it's kinda obvious. He'd go out of his way to do things for them and stick around them as much as possible or sneak glances whenever he can depending on the kind of relationship he has with them. All this could completely fly over a person's head, though, since he does things like that for a lot of his friends more times than not.

↪ I don't imagine him confessing to them. In fact, the last thing I see him doing is telling the person how he feels because, I mean..why would he?? He's not anything special. He's not particularly attractive or skilled. He doesn't have any overarching qualities. There's no way someone would honestly want to date such an average loser like him, right? He certainly believes so.

↪ So imagine the surprise on his face if someone were to confess to him. Especially if that someone is an Ultimate, attractive, or special in any way.

↪ Makoto is a nervous, awkward wreck in a relationship. He's never experienced anything like this and has zero experience in the love department. On top of that, he thinks this'll never happen to him again which only adds onto his nerves which makes him fearful. He's scared of making a mistake and you leaving, y'know? :(

↪ Speaking of which, if you didn't know already, Makoto is kinda insecure and that insecurity will most definitely make it's appearance at some point in your relationship. Like, I can definitely see him asking his partner if their whole relationship is some elaborate joke or prank because his thoughts are making him believe that their love for him is not authentic. ( Nothing a little reassurance can't fix though )

↪ He's very reliant on your preferences to the point that it seems a bit ridiculous. He doesn't want to bore you or upset you or make you uncomfortable which causes him to be scared to intiate anything. ( Not that he was the type of person to really intiate anything more than holding hands anyways )

↪ All that is to say that if you give him the green light, he'll take it! Let him know that you like it when he talks about his own interest to you or when he compliments you. Reassure him that, yes, he can kiss your cheek and give you goodbye hugs. Welcome him with open arms when he hints at wanting to cuddle you in the comfort of your own homes! If he can convince himself it's alright and that you're comfortable with it, he'll act on his thoughts!

↪ Arguments with him usually ends amicably as Makoto isn't a very opinionated person. The only way I see him being stubborn is if you're life is in danger, and even then, you'll be able to tell that he's only being a little tough with you in order to protect you/keep you safe. ( Really personal and biased headcanon, but I see a lot of your arguments ending in warm hugs shared between the two of you )

↪ Vulnerable moments between the two of you come every once in a while and usually ends with either you curled into his arms or vice versa. Makoto isn't the best with words, but he has the heart and empathy to make up for it! That said, he's pretty damn good at cheering people up or, at the very least, you! In fact, he takes just a bit of pride knowing he's able to make you crack a smile after you had the shittiest day ever. At the same time though, he can't help but feel ashamed when it's the other way around and you're the one wiping away his tears and calming him down..

↪ Of course, dating can come with it's downsides. Makoto is a friendly individual whether he believes that as true or not and that doesn't only extend to his partner. Girls, boys, and everyone in-between, Makoto acts the same to just about everyone until he's given a reason to treat them differently. Not only that, but he ( especially pregame Makoto ) can be kind of a pushover at times which could lead to some not so great situations like, for example, missing a date or an event that meant a lot to you. ( Of course, he'll do whatever he can to make it up to you if that were to happen )

↪ I see a relationship with Makoto benefitting off of casualness and time. Give him some breathing room to dip his toes into the water. Try not to rush things. Have heart to hearts and let each other know of your boundaries. Makoto isn't one to complain when things make him upset or uncomfortable most times so make sure to have steady communication with him throughout the relationship and let him know that he can talk to you! With that, I'm sure your relationship will flourish and remain a beautiful flower for the years to come! :D

Dividers were made by me, pictures used are from Pinterest, post formatting is inspired by @xxsabitoxx

[lonesome-dreamsss]

steve plays tony sappy love songs from the 40s!!! he also ventures into the 50s and 60s, hits ALL the old time-y songs. he's so in love and this is how he shows it best (along with his art of course, he has an entire sketchbook dedicated to tony).

the first time he does it, they're in the kitchen, steve's making them breakfast and tony is at the table with a coffee. steve's phone is set up, playing music, soft, quiet songs, mostly instrumentals. once he has the pancakes on a plate, he changes it to a billie holiday song. it's something so, so sappy and tony grins and is like "he's playing me love songs now?" and steve grins back and says "maybe. are you complaining?" the tips of tony's ears are pink but no, he isn't complaining, not one bit. when the song ends, tony kisses him and says "i love you too, y'know." and steve does know.

the next time, they're in tony's work shop, tony's playing around with some new suit ideas for the team and steve's drawing (tony as he is then, stained with oil smears, hair askew, absolutely beaming). steve smiles softly and requests that jarvis play this dean martin song. tony turns to look at him, that same grin he had the first time spreading across his face, "you're ridiculous." steve gives him his best who me? face and tony throws his head back and laughs.

tony takes them out of nyc, some place in upstate new york, so they could stargaze. he knows nothing about the stars, and steve is just as clueless, but it's less about that and more about just being with one another, experiencing the world's beauty together. though steve spends most of the time looking at tony because well, he's more beautiful then any star or moon. steve goes for bing crosby, and tony laughs into steve's shoulder, eyes shining in the silver lighting, "i'm starting to think you have a playlist all made up." steve presses a kiss to tony's head, "maybe i do." "sap." steve laughs, "only for you." tony then gives him the softest look, love so plainly there, and it leaves steve breathless, "aren't i lucky." steve thinks he's the lucky one.

they're in bed, tony had woken up from a nightmare and can't fall back asleep. steve's running his fingers through tony's hair and using his other hand to rub his thumb over tony's own hand. it seems to mellow tony out to some extent, but he's still tense and his eyes are glazed over, he's somewhere in his head, lost to whatever thoughts are consuming him. steve picks nat king cole now, though this time, he sings it himself. he's not a singer by any means, but he doesn't let that stop him. it pulls tony back to the present, and he cracks the tiniest of smiles. steve takes that as a win.

tony's hurt. he's hurt and he's unconscious and looks oh so pale and broken laying in the hospital bed. it's been nearly two days now, and steve is exhausted. he hasn't left the hospital chair, despite the rest of the team telling him he needs rest too. nat had almost dragged him out of there and to a shower and his bed, but he's nothing if not stubborn. she gave up, in the end, and told him to at least eat something, before leaving, saying she'd be back in the morning. steve clutches tony's hand, fighting the urge to cry yet again. he does the only thing he can think to do, the only thing that might be able to fix this in some way. he starts to sing. it's ella fitzgerald this time. his voice is dry, cracking with each word, but he keeps going. it's comforting, in a way, and he hopes it's comforting for tony too, hopes tony can even hear him. the tears come anyway, despite his best efforts, and the lyrics catch in his throat. then, in an answer to his prayers, tony squeezes his hand. it's weak but god, it's there and steve chokes out a sob, relief coursing through him. tony'll be okay.

"are you ready?" steve asks, moving to wrap his arms around tony's waist. "i was born ready, capsicle," tony says back with a wink, settling his arms around steve's neck. they fit together perfectly. frank sinatra starts to play, they had picked this one together, for this moment, and they start to dance. with the way tony's looking at him and the way the ring sits snug on his left hand, steve feels his heart swells in his chest and he can't help but lean in to kiss tony. tony smiles into the kiss and then laughs as everyone around them cheers. this is what pure happiness is, steve thinks, and rests his forehead against tony's. the song comes to a close and tony kisses him once more before tugging him towards the cake with a grin that rivals the brightness of the sun.

[tired-fandom-ndn]

Hi Error! I'm curious: is there any kind of ~proship content (a trope or kink or even specific phrasing or art style) that gets used a lot but that you aren't personally into, to the point where it ruins the stuff you do like? This is me with age gaps. So many wonderful kinks and fucked-up scenarios out there, but my libido just disappears if there's a huge age difference 😔. It's inconvenient! I'm just curious about others experiencing the same - do you try to read the stuff anyway? Do you do a lot of strategic filtering? Also, do you have any tips for gracefully saying "I am not into that, in fact it's a squick and I prefer not to talk about it, BUT I AM NOT MORALLY JUDGING YOU and I support your many ships that I cannot enjoy" to a new acquaintance? I swear this stuff was simpler 15 years ago.

PS: on consideration, my previous question - about proship stuff you dislike - might come across as being all TELL US YOUR TRIGGERS NOW, which is really not my intention. I'm just curious about how you deal with that kind of mismatch! Apologies if it came across weird; again, I think this fandom climate makes conversations super awkward.

No worries, I understand what you mean completely!

There's actually quite a few "proship"/problematic things that squick me out badly enough that I avoid them even when the rest of the work is completely up my alley. Most of them are even listed out on this blog (my pinned post links to a list of "hard limits") but the biggest one I can think of is any form of ageplay; age regression, diapers, CGL, etc. I absolutely will not engage with it at all no matter what and I use a lot of filtering (and sometimes the mute and block buttons) to avoid it.

There's other things I don't like and that may even turn my stomach a bit, but that I'll try (or skip over lmao) when the rest of the fic/game/etc is appealing enough for me. It just really comes down to how prominent it is and how rare the other kinks/tropes are; if it's something hard to find that I really love, I can tolerate most things lmao. I'll deal with tentacles if it comes with some good whump and mommy kink is tolerable if I like the ship enough, y'know?

In my experience, "that's not my particular cup of tea but I'm glad everyone is having fun" is usually a good way to say that you're not into something without offending someone. Though sometimes I still get people complaining in my inbox about me saying I don't like stuff, so I guess there's no pleasing everybody. It IS super awkward though; it feels like everyone is on edge and expecting an attack, so any indication of not liking a kink/ship/etc is interpreted as hate no matter how nice or polite it is.

[todayisafridaynight]

Not to localizationpost but the reason Daigo's line sounds off is because it is <3 Not in that it's a mistranslation per se... He was saying he felt like he was the only coward among them, and "You're making me look like I have no balls." is One Way You Could Put That I Guess, but it loses his established character voice and is at odds with the delivery.

It's actually even more Kansai-like in the dub script, since dropping the G like this is near-exclusive to Kansai:

In Gaiden, I've noticed there's been a significant hemorrhaging of dialects that has at best been hastily cleaned-up. It's most evident with Nishitani III because he was, practically up until release day, localized like he's from Kansai even though he doesn't speak Kansai at all. I think I last talked about that before the game came out, but having experienced the game, there are still remnants of that in parts of the sub script and especially the dub script. You can also see it pop up with Kiryu using words like " 'bout" and " 'course," which He Would Not Say.

The introduction of slang where it doesn't really belong and the mixups with the dialects are relatively minor issues... until you have the accidental sexual abuse censorship fiasco on your hands because you decided to translate from Kanto rather than Kansai... lol...

In that instance and that instance only I feel entitled to monetary compensation from the localization team for all 60+ tweets I had to see questioning Shishido's abuse (yes I counted) (for this week's/tomorrow's video) because GODDDDD I can't even blame the players at that point... I just feel it fundamentally changes how you look at Shishido and Nishitani As Characters I will neverrrrr be over it I'm sorry...

On another note, while I'm talking about Shishido, setting aside the many actual mistranslations with his dialogue, I do kind of feel like they struggled with his character voice. He's notably much more polite than you'd expect, and I could tell the effect Yokoyama and Furuta were originally going for was something along the lines of the contrast between Mine and Jo's usual formality (depending on who they're addressing anyway Lol) and how vulgar and aggressive they get when they snap, just with the added layer of Shishido not looking as outwardly professional/put-together as those two.

Like. Y'know. It's not that Kansai is casual in and of itself, it's that many Kansai characters speak more casually and there's a higher ceiling for how colorful their language can get, but you still have to keep the individual character's voice in mind... Shishido also slips into the Kanto dialect on occasion, which has interesting implications for his character, and it's somewhat disappointing to not see that noted when the team for K2 did note when Sayama switched accents lol...

Anyway none of that matters what does matter is that in the scene you were referencing, in spite of making Daigo's line more vulgar than it is, they replaced Shishido calling everyone "dickcheeses" with "pricks" LIKE C'MOOONNNN YOU'RE TELLING ME JO CAN TALK ABOUT TEATS BUT SHISHI CAN'T GET PROPER NARSHTY... I get that it's kind of an unwieldy phrase but c'mooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn it's his birthdayyyyy

i woulda just bout lost every marble i had left if they really let shishido get away with callin everyone smegma liiiikkkeee i wouldn't have survived LOL

[gluttonygirls]

pentuplesized

Yuki using the reader as an Ice Cream disposal, or May testing out her new magic power if you don't wanna write Yuki-

Tonight was supposed to be a special day between you and Yuki.

When the heavyset snow-girl had brought you into her home hours ago, she'd said you'd be experiencing something special. You'd had very different plans than her, however, as you found yourself strung up in her basement.

"Oooooo, what's the matter~?"

Dangling in the air, frosty magic wrapping around your wrists to hold you above the floor with icy chains, you try to respond to her question. Opening your mouth, you stare down at Yuki, but all that comes out is a fearful whimper. For the first time, you're realizing that dating a youkai is a dangerous thing as she smiles.

"It's going to be alright, don't worry. I just need a human tongue to tell me if all the flavors I can create taste good. Y'know..." She's giggling as she pushes her finger past your lip. "Ice cream flavors~"

From the tip of her finger springs forth a torrent of frigid ice cream. You don't have time to bite her or fight back in any way as the torrent of fattening gloop forces itself down your throat, the sheer pressure of it all making rivulets dribble down your cheeks. You try to open your mouth, but Yuki's other hand clamps around your chin, holding it closed.

"Uh, uh, uh~ Get a good taste, first~"

It only takes a single second for the overwhelming fullness to hit you. Your stomach bloats out, the pants button ricocheting away as your swollen stomach rounds out. Yet, Yuki needs you to get a deep taste of what she can create, and having you get full makes that tough. Her hand leaves you chin, knowing that the pressure of her finger's magic is strong enough make you chug, even if your open mouth is now spraying ice cream all down your front.

Now she lays a frigid hand against your taut stomach, massaging all that ice cream and magically turning it all to fat.

Rips and tears open up across the length of your pants as your thighs plump up, the seat splitting as your ass grows heavier. Your shirt joins it too, stomach only growing bigger as it started to soften, rolling over what was left of your waistband. Suspended arms grew more heavy, biceps billowing with fresh pounds.

And a bigger gut means more capacity. You choke as Yuki's magic increases, the pressure growing stronger. Your weight gain accelerates, stomach loudly slapping against your thighs as your legs grew as thick as trees. Shooting past 400lbs... 500... 600... The steady stream of ice cream only grew stronger. The fullness was overwhelming, the cold cream in your gut making it hard to focus as you felt everything sag more and more as you simply kept swelling with new layers of flab.

Soon you felt a new chill against your stomach. Not from the inside with the hundreds of gallons of ice cream churning away inside you.

Even as your thick feet dangled off the ground, you looked down past cheeks as round as basketballs to see that your stomach was big enough now to touch the floor, even when your toes weren't. Yuki's magic was strong, even with your being wider than you were tall, sagging hips weighing you down, you still weren't falling.

"Sooooooo~? Whatcha think~?" Rubbing your belly, looking up at you, the skinny one of the relationship giggled. "What was your favorite~?"

"..."

"...Huh? Oh, were you not paying attention to which flavor was which? That's okay!"

You feel a chill go down your spine as Yuki places her finger back in your mouth.

"This time, really try to taste it, okay~?"

[ftm2bbw]

He's your friend. You trust him. He's treated you with nothing but the utmost respect. Sure, you've caught him stealing a glance at your chest or your belly or your ass, but he's always so embarrassed afterwards. If anything, it's kind of... Charming. It makes you feel sexy. Wanted. Desired. It's in a way that embarrasses you, too, but the attraction is there. So when he invites you over for pizza and a movie, you think nothing of it. He's so nice. Always getting you more food, always making sure your drink is topped up. It just feels nice to be taken care of, y'know?

And then you black out.

When you wake up the next morning, things seem okay, even if your head hurts and your memory is completely blank. When you text him, he says that you were pretty far gone, so he just put you to bed and even left you some water and Advil by the bedside for you. What a gentleman.

But as the weeks go by, something doesn't seem right. Your body is... Changing.

Your appetite has never been stronger, even though you feel sick every morning. You're finishing entire pizzas, ordering feasts for delivery. You can feel your clothes getting tighter as your body swells outward. Your binder rips trying to fit it over your massive, swollen tits. Your panties keep getting swallowed by your jiggling, wobbling ass until you can't get them up your padded thighs anymore. The extra weight finds every inch of your body, from your fingers to your cheeks to your arms and thighs. Your cunt has never been more puffy and sensitive. And, God, hormonal on a level you've never experienced before. You can't stop touching yourself, bellowing out a moo.

When you finally see a doctor to address the concerns, your worst fears are confirmed. With all the shit that's going on, you feel like he's the only one you can confide in.

His face lights up.

His hand moves to your gut.

"I knew you'd be such a good mother for my child."

And he tells you all about how he raped your drunken, bloated from. How you begged and cried for him to stop but, by the end, you were pleasing with him not to pull out. You wanted to be a bred cow, you told him. You have no memory of this, but he pulls out his phone and shows you a video of yourself, your fat body sloshing as he thrusts in and out of you, mooing and asking him to call you a Good Girl.

He puts the phone away before cupping your cheek in his hand, brushing away your tears with his thumb. "Don't worry. Next time, I'll make sure you can remember it."

The fact that this isn’t far outside the realm of possibility is…very, very hot. I’ve always tended to go a little too hard when booze or weed is involved. And if someone was tending to me and giving me attention and gently pushing me all the while? Fuck, I’d be putty in his hands.

It would make me sick to my stomach how attentive he’d be…afterwards. It would be flattering in some ways, nice even, to be cared for. But some part of me would know it’s his way of exercising control. Of fattening and laying claim to my bred body even further. And my fertile, fat body would blossom for him, BECAUSE of him, whether I wanted it or not…

[kowaindar0u]

4 (sada), 9 (yuichi)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

under the cut again cause lonnng

04.     entry made after experiencing a nightmare.

Dear Diary...

I can't sleep. I tried, but... a bit ago, I woke up from this dream... no, it was more like a nightmare. I was on sortie-- it was me, but it also felt like the entire rest of the honmaru was dispatched there too. Which... I guess might have been a good thing, because the enemies just kept coming, portals opening over and over again. But... one by one all my fellow touken danshi went down, until I was the last one left. I shouldn't have still been alive myself. I kept getting hit and knocked down and run through... and I was so tired... But I couldn't stop myself, I just kept fighting. Everyone lying around me... I don't think they'd broken, but instead they looked to me, and I couldn't let them see, y'know... that I thought I couldn't keep going anymore. So I just kept fighting.

I don't know how I even woke up. I think I was moving around in my sleep, maybe I hit something. I'm sore and I feel clammy.

Usually any nightmares I have are... scarier than this. Like, more big bad fears, or something catastrophic happening. This was... it was awful, but it didn't feel quite like that. It was more... subtly scary, I dunno.

I think I'm just gonna go for a walk or something and try to sleep again in a little while. Hopefully I can clear my head enough.

09.     entry made discussing their school day(s).

[dated sometime toward the middle of his first year of high school]

Hi again...

I still feel silly for even deciding to start keeping a journal. Nothing really happens to me. I go to school... I come home... I go back to school... I'm not interesting. But... I kind of want someone to talk to. I can't talk to other people on my own, and... I think everyone kind of knows that, so... I can't blame them for not trying, you know?

I can't hold it against them when... even a girl who just moved here at the beginning of the year... she seems really sweet, and I think(?) she was trying to be my friend, but... God, it's just so scary. I think she got weirded out, or... maybe I hurt her feelings (god I hope not) when I had trouble getting any words out, so she gave up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not that I dislike any of my classmates. (There's... even one I kind of like a lot. He's already tall, he's cute, he... well, nevermind. It doesn't matter.)

It just feels like... they're all staring at me, or laughing at me, you know? I know all the judgement I feel from them is all in my head-- I'm not important enough for them to think or talk about me that much. But it just makes trying to talk to anyone so... daunting.

So... that's why I have you. You... you're not supposed to even be capable of judging me, right? (why am I asking you?! you're a notebook!) Clearly I don't know if that even really helps. Maybe it's more the fact that I'm writing to you rather than speaking.

For my first entry I didn't write much I think 'cause I was too nervous... which I think should tell you everything you need to know right there. But today... I'm thinking a lot. So I'm gonna try and spill. Well I already spilled some, didn't I? I mean... ugh. Whatever. Continuing...

My parents said I should join a club, maybe it would help me open up more. I don't think they understand at all. I want to be part of something with other people so badly... but I... I just can't do it. So at least once a week after school I go to Meigetsu-in and just... sit by myself. Some evenings I stay late and tell my parents "we" were working on a project.

Just saying all this ... it sounds so... pathetic. I'm fifteen. I'm supposed to have friends and hang out and do things, aren't I?! Instead I just... don't! can't!

I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing similar words on these pages every time I come to write to you. I'm sorry for that, ahead of time. Like I said before... not much happens to me. But thinking like this? It happens a lot.

[licorishh]

I would like to share something a little more serious than what I usually post here.

So for the last two years, ever since I got diagnosed with celiac disease, it's been nothing but a barrage of more and more health issues showing up. I figured out I likely had ADHD and autism, I got diagnosed about eight months ago with hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's, I still don't know what's causing my chronic shoulder pain, for a few months almost everything I was eating was making me sick and I y'know twice in the span of one month, I'm dangerously underweight because I've barely been able to eat anything, and I have tons of food restrictions that make it extremely difficult to find something to eat. I felt miserable.

The last time I was sick was a week ago. I was nauseous two days in a row and was sick the second day. I felt awful, but afterwards the feeling went away, thankfully. The problem was that it suddenly out of nowhere set in a terror of feeling sick, feeling nauseous, and even just eating. The idea of eating scared me. I immediately felt a phobia of it, and Friday I wasn't even feeling bad but I had an episode of my heart racing and feeling really shaky and faint.

While I was feeling that, I knew it was literally just fear. I wasn't actually nauseous at all, but I was sitting there perpetuating a fear of feeling bad, and it was giving me all the symptoms of feeling sick without actually being nauseous. I was making myself feel bad because I was so terrified of feeling bad.

So I sat on the couch in the living room and read Revelation for a while. I eventually asked my mom just to pray for me and to help me get past this fear, because I am not meant to have a spirit of fear. She prayed for me, and then we just started chit-chatting about Revelation and about the Lord and when I tell you I felt so much better.

Since then I've had a couple of times when I started to really freak out just because I felt the slightest twinge, but for the last week I've had a monumental shift in my mindset. The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, and neither has He given that to you.

I feel like in the last few days I've finally understood what it means to be truly thankful for Jesus and not just for the material things I have in this life. Yes, food, A/C, a roof over my head, electricity, and water are all wonderful things and I'm extremely thankful for them, but now I finally realize how it feels to be thankful for peace and hope and joy and Jesus. I cannot even begin to express to you how unfathomably comforted I have felt these last few days. I'm bout to frickin cry rn yet again dadgumit I've cried like eight times in the last couple days

I've been listening to a lot of Kari Jobe's music cause she has so much good stuff, especially "I Am Not Alone." I absolutely love that one and would highly recommend it if you're feeling lonely or fearful right now.

You probably think I'm overreacting a bit, but I was legitimately terrified. But in spite of that, I've been readjusting my mindset and praying more than I ever have before and just existing with God and I literally can't possibly communicate how comforting it is. There are simply no words. No matter what time of day it is, no matter how bad I feel, no matter how afraid I might be to eat that particular thing for fear of it not sitting well, I really legitimately feel more strongly than I ever have in my entire life that He is with me every single step of the way and He loves and treasures and values me and is holding me in His hand.

I so desperately want every single person on this earth to experience that feeling. It's a feeling you cannot begin to imagine until you've experienced it. The goodness and the kindness and the peace of the Lord is unmatched by anything on this earth.

I know this is way more serious than what I usually post but I just can't not. I have never felt this peaceful or joyful or thankful or hopeful in the seventeen years I've been alive and that is something nothing can ever take away from me. It's my sincerest hope that you will see this and hear it and believe it.

I'm not naturally a very fearful person, so this took me by surprise. I'm not used to feeling terror. It feels dark, hopeless, lonely. But that darkness, that hopelessness, that loneliness, and that fear is nothing in the face of the Lord's goodness. Nothing. I'm telling you.

Please, please, if you are in a dark place right now, I am begging you to take my word for it. If you call out to Him He is there. I've never been more convinced of this in my life because I finally have seen it. I finally stopped saying "Yep, yeah, uh-huh, that's great" and actually did it myself.

That doesn't mean all our struggles and trials automatically vanish. I still slip up and feel scared sometimes, but to be honest with you, feeling emotionally stable and spiritually satisfied is so much more important than feeling nauseous or being wary of eating. The peace and joy and faith and hope I have right now is greater than feeling good physically.

The Lord is so, so, so good. He is so kind, so loving, so comforting, and I so badly want everyone to be able to feel how I feel now.

He sees you in the midst of your struggles. He does. His heart aches for you, He weeps with you, He adores you in ways you cannot begin to imagine. You are His precious child, His beautiful creation, the love of His life.

Please, please believe me.

[jattazo]

hello tumblr i'm going to ramble about an OC now

my brain is being Shitty and Mean and A Bit Rude to me today, so i'm gonna make myself feel better by talking about some worldbuilding and lore stuff surrounding one of my favorite d&d OCs: Froyin!

featuring this beautiful art made by the wonderful @majixium

froyin is a kobold i made for a friend's campaign and she's very near and dear to my heart if only because i think she is very sweet and cute and sometimes that's the vibe ya wanna project yourself onto y'know?

in the world froyin hails from, there are a multitude of different kobold clans, each with their own societal norms and such. hers is the Clan of The Endscale: a group of kobolds who took up refuge long ago under the watchful eyes and wings of an ancient black dragon.

as time went on, the dragon became more and more hostile towards them, viewing them as leeches more than worshipers. this led the dragon to begin acting much more antagonistically towards the clan, and eventually outright fighting the clan as a whole.

through a stroke of what was probably pure luck, the clan managed to triumph over the dragon, and now bares its legacy in their name: Endscale. the clan that took down a dragon on its own.

their modern day society is somewhat matriarchal, extremely organized, and very strongly tied to tradition. i made a little flowchart showing the hierarchy of the clan actually, here it is:

so anyways, the way things work is basically like... until you reach maturity, you're not really expected to do anything besides learn from others in the clan about whatever. you aren't locked into a Sib or anything just because that's where your family might be.

once a kobold reaches maturity, their right horn is shaved down in a mix of celebration and as a way to tell where their position is in the clan. once you have your horn shaved, you're expected to start seriously considering where you truly want to be in the clan in regards to Sibs or other roles.

after a while, and after a kobold has trained and learned enough to earn a title and place in the clan, whether that's something as simple as being a Gatherer or as high ranking as being a Scribe, that's when they get their other horn shaved down.

the shaving of the second horn is celebrated even more than that of the first. it gets brought down to match wherever the first had grown back out to, so they can grow out together normally from there, but that's not the important part. the important part is that once that happens, it solidifies that kobold's place in the clan for pretty much the rest of their lifespan.

with this in mind, it's extremely rare to see older kobolds that have asymmetrical horns unless they had some intense battle wound or something. it's less uncommon for younger 'bolds though, since they're still sorta finding their place.

anyways, back to Froyin. Froyin is still a very young kobold overall, having only had her first horn shaved down maybe a couple months prior to the start of the campaign she's from. it's fairly common for kobolds to venture outside the clan's territory while in this phase of their life, but Froyin's story is a little different.

Froyin had been a natural spellcaster from a very young age. wow no way a sorcerer who's a natural spellcaster, who's ever seen that before? she planned on going into the role of a guard since she knew she'd be able to use her magic more openly there, as well as help protect the clan with it.

while she was out shadowing a guard patrol one day however, she stumbled upon something strange. a discarded black dragon's scale, seemingly ripe with a strange magical energy she'd not experienced before. pocketing it and bringing it back with her, she didn't really mention it for the rest of the patrol.

when she was back in the village though, the guards took her through the routine patrol process of reporting findings and such to the higher ups. this was when she mentioned the scale. it was no secret that she was a spellcaster, so when she mentioned that she could tell it had magical energy of some kind, it was submitted for review by a more practiced spellcaster.

eventually, this made its way all the way up to the priestess of the clan, which is where things went south real fast. the priestess called a public meeting of the clan, wherein she publicly announced that Froyin had "knowingly" brought the will of the ancient black dragon back to them.

Froyin, just as confused as everybody else, had no fucking idea what was going on. unlike everybody else though, she wasn't frightened by this announcement since she didn't really see the scale as evil. it wasn't controlling her or anything, this isn't some One Ring situation.

one thing led to another, and she was effectively exiled from the clan entirely and forced to take the scale with her. she was instructed not have her second horn shaved down as a mark of shame for what calamity she'd nearly brought about, and off she went.

her parents protested, given she was so young she must not have understood what was going on, but the decision was final. she was given anything her family could give her on the way out, including her staff, and just like that she was alone.

Froyin ended up wandering for a long time, using what little scavenging skills she had to keep herself fed, but eventually found a small village to take shelter in. she attempted to offer simple services to earn coin, like being a farmhand or cleaning people's clothes for them, but ran into a pretty big roadblock:

Froyin did not speak Common.

her clan was somewhat isolationist, and spoke in their native tongue above anything else. she was never taught any other language. thankfully, perhaps due to her age and attitude, the people of the village were kind enough to understand she needed help.

slowly but surely, over the course of a month or two, she began learning very basic common while helping around the village with various odd-jobs. by the time the actual campaign starts, she'd have a fairly strong understanding of most common, though she still couldn't speak it perfectly.

something she has yet to understand however is just how right the village was about that dragon's scale. that's something she'll get to learn about much much later in the story.

i'm not really sure what else to say besides i love Froyin so much, she is a precious little creature who deserves nothing but good. :)

WAIT NO I DIDN'T GET TO TALK ABOUT THE MAGIC SHE USES okay okay okay so here's the thing-

Froyin is able to tap into a very special type of magic called Negentropy. if chaos and evil and entropy and all that were put into a single type of magic, this would be its polar opposite. it is the Right to the universes Wrong, the Up to its Down.

negentropy can be used to heal the sick, to mend the broken, to bring life to the withered, to spring plants, shine armor, all sorts of different stuff that would be categorized under "good :)" for lack of a better term

she doesn't have some crazy godlike capability or anything like that, but this magic is incredibly versatile and incredibly important because it's like the one single thing that can combat an ancient evil magic successfully.

that magic is something that thankfully has been mostly eradicated from the world, but with that in mind, so was Negentropy 👀 if one of those is back in somebody's hands, then...

all the lore behind where those magics came from, and the things tied to THAT are for a whole different post that i wouldn't even be the one to write. that'd be up to @uprising-trolls to handle ;3c

[xxkylarthelonerxx]

Hey Kylar! Interesting uh... jar... project... you got there ^^;;

Y'know, for a second, I thought you were going to make Darling drink that! Or even mix in some of those.. "fluids" in their food and drinks! Glad that isn't the case :D

Anyways, I figured I should tell you this too: Darling's going to sleep over at my place! Isn't that fun? Oh, and don't worry, some of our classmates will be going too! A simple, small sleepover party because Darling said they never experienced one! :0

Don't get jealous or anything, sleepovers are something that friends do! Surely there have been some anime scenes where a sleepover happens, right?

Well, have fun with your jar and don't forget to drink water. It's for Darling's sake after all.

- Darling's friend

(Drink water too, admin. Water's good)

(answering this anon here, too. the answer is no. don't be disgusting. if anyone's going to drink from it, it'll be darling, but even then... i could just give them some from the source! don't be gross...)

but thanks. and yeah, i would never make them drink the fluids from the jar! those are reserved as tribute for the figure. no, when i make food with extra ingredients for them, i make sure they're fresh and mix well into whatever i give them. i don't want to make anything unappetizing.

though, a sleepover..? ... i mean, i feel like you're not someone to be jealous of, i won't be jealous of you, but... how dumb can you be? sure, sleepovers can be a great bonding experience and really positive for, like, shoujo characters... but you know how people can be! especially our other classmates!! someone's going to lewd them in their sleep, they're not safe if they're not at home... ugh, i'm probably going to have to stay up and keep watch over them all night to make sure they'll be okay. you won't even notice i'm there, but i will be watching. i have to! ...why do you have to make my life harder, though? all for some "new experience"? you're just so dumb.

(and i'll drink water, too. whatever.)

[plural-affirmations]

uhh i don't know if you actually have any way to help but do you know how to get my brain to shut the fuck up?

i've been stuck in a rut for so long that i don't even want to be a system anymore because there's nothing that could make the shit i went through worth it. and that's assuming i am one, which doesn't feel likely considering there's no real evidence i am.

but boo fucking hoo my brain has to make up another stupid scenario where i COULD be a system it won't let go of and i have to do it all over again! god forbid i want a break, i don't think my brain has let me ignore the existence of plurality for a single fucking day in the past 2 years, and that's even AFTER trying to make sure i never encouter anything to do with plurality.

and sometimes my brain will just tell me to fake being a system for some reason? not for attention or anything i never tell anyone about it i guess my brain just thinks pretending to have headmates is fun? it's not fun to me it makes me feel like shit, i don't even enjoy roleplaying when it isn't stressing me the fuck out.

if i sound confused it's because this is all beyond me, all i know is that my brain is completely delusional and i'm tired of listening to it

Hm... well, there's a lot going on here, but lemme start with this: you don't have to hit an invisible threshold to be plural. You don't have to go through "[X amount]" of experiences to count as a system, y'know? If you experience being More Than One Person In A Body, then the labels are there for you to choose to identify with.

I'm not criticizing by the way, and I hope it's not coming across like that. Just trying to offer a different perspective where I can.

Of course, you don't have to identify that way at all, and I completely get your frustration with not wanting to be a system, though I think it's just something to consider.

But, honestly, in my opinion... the more you push back on it, the more likely it is that you're experiencing multiplicity. Denial is a hell of a thing, and I get that. But "faking" or "roleplaying" as a system for seemingly no reason, when you're not even around other people... that doesn't sound like typical roleplaying to me.

I'm not here to armchair diagnose anyone, and I'm certainly not going to force the idea that you're plural on you, but I think maybe doing some research and looking into the possibility (when you're ready to!!) would be worthwhile.

I hope this helps! Feel free to follow up if you need to ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Okay I feel like this is going to be a long one, so i'll go ahead and turn my response into an incoherent list of observations, answers to questions or statements that probably don't require them, or to no question or statement in particular and maybe even an incidental unrelated fact or opinion:

Yes, it does suck, but also I decided to use a grater to make thin little flakes of chocolate just for the flavour.

Sucks you can't eat chocolate, are you lactose intolerant? 

Commas are, indeed, very important. Did you know they use commas in musical notation to tell singers when to breathe?

Related to that, singing lessons (or even singing in a choir or something similar) could help with your reading aloud and breathing issues for sure. Although I don't know if you have any singing experience so I'd understand if that's not your thing. I wish it would be everyone's thing though.

Just to throw in a completely random fact, as I am not about to jeopardise the promised incoherence of this list: In medieval times red hair was believed to be a sign of beastly sexual desire and moral degeneration. I assume by your blogname you too are a redhead. I read this today and thought it was wild.

Aching muscles are a sign of hard work, so good job, although it is very important to rest said limbs!

Great job for still going out and facing things you get anxious about, I imagine thats not an easy thing for you. I also hope you have help and/or coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety you're experiencing.

You're description of the "heartbreak angst fic" is (probably intentionally) quite vague, but I can make out several points. 

I get not wanting big time jumps, although it could be fun to make a jump and then have R reflect what happened in between those moments in time. Could be a tad chaotic, but then again, you know me. 

R crossing paths with their ex sounds rather angsty, so my answer to that is: yes please.

Have you already thought out part 4 completely? I guess (without any context) I'd end exactly where part 4 takes off, but very open. A cliffhanger of sorts, without falling into too much of a cliché ending.

I'm sorry if my answer is too long to post. Although we were going to stop apologising for rambling so scratch this.

Sending you all the love my friend (can I call you my friend now?),

-Chaotic Anon

it's the way i read this, processed some answers but ended up having a nap, then dinner and i just- wow suddenly it's half an hour to midnight...

i can eat chocolate, it's just when i'm stressed my jaw and teeth hate me and it makes biting solid foods a bit grimace-y, y'know, i love chocolate, just not gooey stuff like gooey caramel stuff, don't like goop, it's a texture no no for me sksks

i did not, music was one of the very much underfunded classes when i was in school, before they started cutting hours subjects to make more room for maths, english and sciences. my confidence is on the floor with speaking, singing is... i can hum, humming is better for me, my friend liked my humming once.

yeah, i'm a natural redhead, which means that i need more anaesthetic if i go for any medical procedure (there's research to back it up, we're hard to knock out) and i think only 2% of the planet have red hair, so i stick out like a sore thumb and red heads are barely anyone's type unless it comes to Natasha Romanoff from Marvel, so that's fun... times change sksks

yeah we had to demonstrate that we could do cpr on a dummy for a minute, i fell over trying to stand up after, so that was great too.

my coping mechanisms for my anxiety are messy and depend on why i am anxious, but my psychology degree plus the cbt i've had in the past mean that i am super aware of my thought processes, but it's hard to stop my body from freaking out e.g. racing heart, clenching my jaw in my sleep... when i can sleep, etc

yeah i forgot the name of the fic, is Secret Love Song, my recent one, i have part 2 down, part 3 just feels stuck because i don't know where to end it, or when to post part 2, but R's development in part 2 and part 3 is key to the endings and I just... i'm stuck. also the only way R would cross paths with their ex is the ballon d'or ceremony... and i don't even know where to go with that, so... yeah...

no worries about longetivity, my fics have been in the 5k+ range before so... i have no shame sksks

sure, sure, if you want to be internet friends red haired anxious pineapple such as myself😅🤔 you don't have to be though.

[thecaptainsbunk]

had a moment last night i could very clearly feel the healed parts of my brain and it was weird.

recap for those who haven't read my mental breakdowns on here, or don't follow my main: i have many mental illnesses because i was neglected or otherwise treated badly for most of my life. One of the symptoms of these is the huge big depression rumination spiral that happens when any number of things that might go wrong does.

A lot of the things that trigger me are Normal Fucking Human Interactions. This probably has something to do with the Autism. This is neither here nor there.

Another thing that can trigger the depression spiral is sub-drop.

You're starting to see why this is here and not on my main now, yes?

Guess what happens when those two things collide?

yeah.

I'm gonna... figure out a patch for the sub-drop cause I am sort of still feeling it a little, and I'm not sure masturbating it away is going to help as much as I want it to lol. I mean don't get me wrong, that's absolutely something I'm doing later probably but i'm going to try not to use it as a mend for the actual problem I'm having because I could accidentally make it worse instead, I probably got super lucky the way it panned out last night.

Cause guess what happened last night.

Listen... I know what happens when I cum. I know. I'm the easiest slut and the subbiest sub this side of the Mississippi (i assume), I'm just, y'know, don't have a lot of takers on the offer as it were. But hey, I can get myself to sub-space just fine all by myself.

I just have to make sure there's a plan to catch myself and last night the plan... faltered a little. Mainly because I had not communicated this was necessary and also because of timing. It was late, everyone was tired, rough evenings had been had, it's been a long stretch of stressful shit, there's more stressful shit in the world to get taken care of, stuff's just happening.

So I wasn't expecting to have to do anything more than just the usual night time routine to catch myself from dropping and because the usual routine hit a small snag in the form of Sudden Intense RSD due to circumstances I am aware are not actually the issue, the drop happened shortly thereafter.

And I desperately tried to slide into the normal spiral. The spiral that takes me down into the worst parts of my psyche and tells me all the horrible things I believe are true, and that everyone hates me. Like I was actively aiming for the spiral at one point and I just could. Not. Get there.

My brain kept turning around and reminding me those things weren't fucking true and to say them was really mean about the people in my life actually.

DO you know how fucking weird that is? do you even understand how it feels to be cock-blocked from your own menty-b you control because your brain says that's too mean to everyone involved including myself?????

It's not perfect. Just because the spiral didn't happen doesn't mean the effects aren't still there. I did manage to get it up again, as it were, and take care of business, as it were to try and get the endorphins back running enough so I could just go straight to sleep and skip the possibility of a 2nd sub-drop (mr. president etc. etc.)

I've had a handle on my inability to have a good time post orgasm for a while now, at least that it's a Thing That's Specifically My Brainchemistry and not something people are doing to me - that's a separate type of traumatic sub-drop i've experienced, different entirely from what I usually go through for the Normal Style and masturbation levels of sub-drop. I know how to catch myself most times, and I can avoid it for the most part if I sleep immediately afterwards (assuming my dreams cooperate, if the stars are misaligned i'm fucked lmao).

And sometimes if I'm feeling especially self-hate-y I will entertain the sub-drop and subsequent extreme depression that can sometimes carry on for a couple days. Not dropping as much and also having generally a better life over all has reduced this urge for self-destruction by a lot but I was kind of feeling it last night.

except that I apparently wasn't.

I kept trying and trying and it just... my brain kept saying "no, that's not true. Reframe it. Look at it again. Remember that this is different now. Use the new rules" and turning me around, over and over again.

I reminded myself that i was stressed out - see aforementioned long-term stressors that aren't going away as quickly as we want for the whole family, my usual mental health struggles, the upcoming election, learning my sister's going to have a baby, I am currently extremely conflicted and so of course my brain is going to latch onto the negative things.

It's just never had so few negatives to latch onto and then use Actual Logic And Reasoning to talk itself out of.

And I think the main reason this has never worked before, aside from all the hard fucking work I've been doing to fix my goddamn brain and make it happier over all, is because i'm not being gaslit by anyone here. No one is trying to change the way I'm seeing the world, no one is trying to tell me my perceptions are wrong (well- I need to figure out a way to communicate my needs on that one, but like, it's a non-issue because it's not intentional, it's not manipulative, it's desperately trying to get me to be nice to myself and sometimes I just cannot but like. I get it. I'll figure it out).

My world is more stable just by virtue of being surrounded by people who aren't actively trying to make me see the world only specifically their way and no other ways. There's still stuff that like. yeah I wish some stuff worked differently than the way it does in my life, and the whole disabilities thing is...crushing most days more than it isn't. but like... at least i know the way that the world is is real, and not like... whatever i'm being fed. I think i could tell that the thigns I was being told and the stuff I was seeing didn't match up, and I think it really affected me a lot more than I realize sometimes.

Plus side, I have now identified two important things I need to work on: plans for post-nut-drop and being open outside of the breakdown on why flat pushback on my negative world view and self-esteem during breakdowns is not actually helpful despite the best intentions, and may be actually making shit worse in the moment that I can't effectively communicate *during* the breakdown. So there's that.

And, y'know, hey the healing is working. It's super unsatisfying to not go all the way down the spiral the way I'm used to because this is the only other way I know how to get through the drop is to just ride it out, which is what is currently happening right now. I'm just....gonna have to figure out how to use my words. And maybe pick a better time than today for the hard conversations.

[anti-endo-help]

Hey, um, wanted to ask/vent?

[long ask, sorry]

Sorry for the awkwardness, btw. We're very anxious, so it's a lot of rambling.

We're pretty sure we're a system based on months of research and stuff. Not exactly out to anyone at all, and even sending an ask on anon feels like a lot. The thing is: we bodily have a brain injury which causes repetitive amnesia every day. It's to the point where we can't tell if we're forgetting something bc of that or if it's a part of being a system. We have a frontstuck main and there's always a few in co-con so things get pretty blurry 90% of the time. For reference, P-DID describes us pretty well, if that helps.

It just feels like we're faking or it's something else or it's not real. There's a lot of denial, admittedly, and we're pretty sure we've got a denial holder that's always up in co-con. Um...yeah, it's a lot. It's just a lot.

We've had dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming problems probably since early childhood and some identity problems too. We know that systems can present covertly sometimes, even to those in the system. We just kinda freak out over questioning being plural bc of everything. We've had panic attacks over it, it gets so bad. It's so confusing and scary. It doesn't help that there's probably a decent amount of us in dormancy and there's these long silent periods. Being frontstuck really sucks during those bc it feels we're actually a singlelet and that just doesn't feel right to us but we're so scared that we're just faking stuff.

We've got a friend system who's so wonderful and have been helping us learn and research things about DID, OSDD, etc. and we really wanna tell him we're a system but we don't wanna be wrong. We don't wanna risk screwing up that friendship bc he's our closest friend, y'know?

Sorry, this is a lot of stuff. It's okay if you discard this one, it's pretty long, lol. Um. Yeah.

Idk what else to say, lmao. Don't know if we'll return here but we appreciate your blog lots! It gets messy trying to listen to genuine experiences and avoid discourse and misinformation. Research is helpful, but sometimes we don't know if it's true or not bc of all the syscourse going on. We even made a system blog once to have a safe place online but we were NOT ready for it and had to delete it bc it caused a panic attack.

Uh, anyway: sorry for laying this on you. Usually don't do this but it felt like this would be only the chance to vent to someone.

Thank you for listening and stuff, even if this doesn't get answered or anything. It's refreshing to see a safe place to listen to systems and avoid misinformation <3

{ 👁️🪻🪽 }

hey there!! i'm so sorry you're experiencing this. it's so hard when you first discover you're a system. there's a lot of denial, fear, and other things that you're going to go through, but guess what?

YOUR EXPERIENCE AS A SYSTEM IS COMPLETELY VALID AND REAL!!! :D

that's right!! no matter how much denial you go through, your experience is valid, real, and okay!! and hell, it's okay to make mistakes!! even if you were wrong about what's going on with you, it's alright to be wrong, that's fine. overall, you're going to be okay!! sure, things are rough right now, but you'll be alright, I promise. :))

BIG HUGS!!!

[ID: STOP! this blog is a strictly anti-endo space! pro-endos and endo neutrals, shoo! shoo shoo!]