#diary:sada

[kowaindar0u]

4 (sada), 9 (yuichi)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

under the cut again cause lonnng

04.     entry made after experiencing a nightmare.

Dear Diary...

I can't sleep. I tried, but... a bit ago, I woke up from this dream... no, it was more like a nightmare. I was on sortie-- it was me, but it also felt like the entire rest of the honmaru was dispatched there too. Which... I guess might have been a good thing, because the enemies just kept coming, portals opening over and over again. But... one by one all my fellow touken danshi went down, until I was the last one left. I shouldn't have still been alive myself. I kept getting hit and knocked down and run through... and I was so tired... But I couldn't stop myself, I just kept fighting. Everyone lying around me... I don't think they'd broken, but instead they looked to me, and I couldn't let them see, y'know... that I thought I couldn't keep going anymore. So I just kept fighting.

I don't know how I even woke up. I think I was moving around in my sleep, maybe I hit something. I'm sore and I feel clammy.

Usually any nightmares I have are... scarier than this. Like, more big bad fears, or something catastrophic happening. This was... it was awful, but it didn't feel quite like that. It was more... subtly scary, I dunno.

I think I'm just gonna go for a walk or something and try to sleep again in a little while. Hopefully I can clear my head enough.

09.     entry made discussing their school day(s).

[dated sometime toward the middle of his first year of high school]

Hi again...

I still feel silly for even deciding to start keeping a journal. Nothing really happens to me. I go to school... I come home... I go back to school... I'm not interesting. But... I kind of want someone to talk to. I can't talk to other people on my own, and... I think everyone kind of knows that, so... I can't blame them for not trying, you know?

I can't hold it against them when... even a girl who just moved here at the beginning of the year... she seems really sweet, and I think(?) she was trying to be my friend, but... God, it's just so scary. I think she got weirded out, or... maybe I hurt her feelings (god I hope not) when I had trouble getting any words out, so she gave up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not that I dislike any of my classmates. (There's... even one I kind of like a lot. He's already tall, he's cute, he... well, nevermind. It doesn't matter.)

It just feels like... they're all staring at me, or laughing at me, you know? I know all the judgement I feel from them is all in my head-- I'm not important enough for them to think or talk about me that much. But it just makes trying to talk to anyone so... daunting.

So... that's why I have you. You... you're not supposed to even be capable of judging me, right? (why am I asking you?! you're a notebook!) Clearly I don't know if that even really helps. Maybe it's more the fact that I'm writing to you rather than speaking.

For my first entry I didn't write much I think 'cause I was too nervous... which I think should tell you everything you need to know right there. But today... I'm thinking a lot. So I'm gonna try and spill. Well I already spilled some, didn't I? I mean... ugh. Whatever. Continuing...

My parents said I should join a club, maybe it would help me open up more. I don't think they understand at all. I want to be part of something with other people so badly... but I... I just can't do it. So at least once a week after school I go to Meigetsu-in and just... sit by myself. Some evenings I stay late and tell my parents "we" were working on a project.

Just saying all this ... it sounds so... pathetic. I'm fifteen. I'm supposed to have friends and hang out and do things, aren't I?! Instead I just... don't! can't!

I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing similar words on these pages every time I come to write to you. I'm sorry for that, ahead of time. Like I said before... not much happens to me. But thinking like this? It happens a lot.