#but will also fuck ur entire life up for the slightest wrong

[acapelladitty]

Hey Ditty, do you have any suggestions for what makes a really good Ozzie? I love the more gentlemanly vibes from BTAS but I've always had a soft spot for DeVito Penguin taking a bite out of some dude's nose out of nowhere.

In my humble opinion, I like an Ozzie who is simultaneously a patron to his fellow rogues but also one of the most ruthless and dangerous people to cross.

Like, you need to establish some smuggling routes into Gotham? Ozzie will help (for a price). You want to set up a meeting with Scarecrow to discuss business terms? Ozzie will help (by providing a bugged room). You want a favour? Ozzie will help (and call in that favour when it suits him).

As long as you play by his rules then he's fair but the moment someone betrays or tries to outplay him then he's absolutely ruthless. He will never forgive a slight and anyone who crosses him will find that out the hard way as everything they hold dear is ripped away from them and destroyed.

Ozzie will play the role of benevolent patron with a gentleman's grace that belies the very genuine danger that curdles within his chest.

[solbaby7]

Az is so🤤🤤 toxic men in real life repulsive me but Az does it soooo well.

Can you do a slutatious reader meets possessive Az?

Like he refuses to make it official so she continues about her life and he stay hearing rumors about her activities. He doesn’t want to be another fuck buddy but he’s also holding back from her and that pisses her off and encourages her to continue w her endeavors.

I’m talking screaming fighting throwing shit toxic🤭

i love your work mamita, I’ll read ur fics all day😩🤧

Maneater

pairing: azriel x reader

warnings: toxic relationships, possessive!az, promiscuous girl, swearing, sexual themes, lemme just say thank god for this request, probably typos

—

“You’re not wearing that.”

“And who’s going to stop me?” The retort comes easily, all too familiar with this dance. You continue as if he’s not there, staring at the material that molds to your curves like second skin. The entire back is out, the sultry swoop accentuating the fullness of your ass even if the front was fairly tame. Curled hair is flicked over your shoulder, lashes flirty and lips glossy as you reach for your clutch.

A shadow beats you to it, sliding the clutch just out of your reach and a slightly agitated smile quirks at the corner of your mouth as you turn to face him. “I mean it. If that’s what you’re wearing, then you aren’t going.”

A brow raises, eyes taking in the perfect structure of Azriel’s face, the strong neckline and tattoos that crept up the left side. Rippling muscles strain against the black top; a pleasant contrast from his usual leathers and you nearly forget his audacity when appreciating his physique. “You must have the wrong room, Az.” You can’t help yourself but to touch, two manicured fingers dragging down the middle of his abdomen. Nails catch on the belt holding his breeches in place and the teasing tug has his pupils dilating. “Possibly confused me with one of those simpering females with damsel in distress tendencies? The ones who actually allow the tone you’re taking with me right now. ”

“I know exactly whose room I’m in,” Unashamed possessiveness radiates from every word and the step he takes to close the distance has an annoying effect on your body. “Just like I know exactly who won’t be leaving it if you don’t walk back over to that closet and change.”

“I have no reason to listen to you,” Azriel refused to admit it out loud, but he secretly loved this part—the pushback. The flirtatious flutter of your lashes and the seductive scent lacing every inch of glistening skin. “You have no claim over me. I’m a free female,” You know exactly what you’re doing; goading him with the same implications of the relationship that you and Azriel had been dancing around for the better part of a decade. It could’ve been different, could’ve spent more time making love rather than hate fucking against any sturdy surface after the shadowsingers jealousy had gotten the best of him after hearing yet another rumor about your latest conquest. “Free to do whom and whatever I please.”

He’s too good at feigning restraint when he truly was grappling for purchase; falling victim to such feminine curves and unwavering confidence. You peered up at him without fear, heart rate steady in his presence and he just barely catches the slightest hitch of your breath when Azriel’s hand wander up the bodice of the dress. Familiar fingers brush over the thick of your thighs, up the soft curve of your belly, taking special time over supple breasts and peaked nipples. Foolishly, you lean into the touch, goosebumps beginning to dot at your spine when the fabric rips in two. “It��s adorable that you believe that.” He doesn’t acknowledge your surprised expression, hands hovering over the ruined material as if it would magically sew back together. “Don’t ever make me repeat myself again.”

“You just—“

“I will see you there—in something much more appropriate, I’m sure.”

Azriel’s gone before you can respond, a humorless laugh passing glossy lips as you shuck off the remnants of your dress. High heels stomp against hardwood floors as you make your way to the closet, ripping through shades of deep navy’s and obsidian until your sights set on a sexy little number saved for special occasions.

A sinister smirk forms as you slip into it, eyes almost sparkling as you regard yourself in the full length mirror.

The halter neckline crosses at the chest, cupping cleavage with ease as the intricate golden bustier cinches at your sides, creating the illusion of wider hips and ensures nothing less than an elegant posture when you stride inside. Soft silks and chiffon kisses at the length of your legs, grazing over painted toes in painfully high heels but it pulls the attention you were searching for. Necks craning and hungry eyes eat up every dip and curve of your figure, mouths salivating at the liquid gold that pushes up the weight of your breasts. “You’re late,” Rhysand voice murmurs in your mind, utter boredom creeping into his every feature.

Your eyes slide to Azriel when you answer, anticipation buzzing beneath the surface of your body. “Wardrobe malfunction.”

To anyone else, the shadowsinger would appear to be the embodiment of stoicism.

But you knew that hard line of his shoulders, the barely restrained tick of his jaw, the slight flexing of his fingers around the thick arms crossed over his chest. The firelight crackles around him, golden light casting perfect shadows that nearly blend seamlessly to the ones that sang to him. With each step closer to the dias, those shadows grow more agitated, wiggling restlessly at Azriel’s feet, stretching up the length of his back to whisper in his ear.

You play coy too well, nodding respectfully to the High Lord and Lady before taking your place but those shadows shove you in closer. Close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Azriel’s towering form, the wings held high behind him subconsciously tucking you out of view. “Appropriate enough for you?”

“You are the most stubborn female I have ever met in my entire life.”

“I wouldn’t have to be if you’d just admit it.”

He pretends not to care, masking desperate glances with hardened side eyes. The grip on his crossed arms gets tighter, barely refraining from the urge to drag you away from all the eyes greedily eating up your form as if it were a six-course meal with desserts on the side. “Admit what?”

“That you want me.”

That you love me the same way I love you.

That you don’t want it to just be a game anymore either.

Azriel doesn’t answer right away, doesn’t even look your way but the sneer that curls at the edge of his perfect mouth was enough to have your confidence faltering. “I have better things to do with my time than chase after some harlot.”

Your brows snap up, nearly blending in with the seam of your hairline. He regrets every word when the teasing spark fades from your eye. Taking a sizable step away from him, your face goes hard like steel, nose scrunching with barely concealed humiliation and your teeth bare like a wild animal when Azriel reaches out to touch. “Don’t,” Angry tears make your eyes go glassy but not once does your voice waver. “Just stay the hell away from me.”

Rhys had already dismissed the others, waving a lazy hand and music fills the space. The strong smell of food permeating the air and you’re quick to blend into the gathering crowd, making a beeline for the elegant champagne pyramid tucked on the other side of the room.

Your hands shake when you grab the first glass, taking it back more like a shot than a classy sip of the flute but you just needed your hands to stop shaking—your heart to stop racing. One drink quickly turns to three and you’re well on your way to a fourth when a hand curls around your shoulder. “Fueling up for me?” The familiar drawl of Autumn’s first born heir reaches your ear, halting your display of gluttony.

This was why you were here—in Hewn City, prancing about the Court of Nightmares. Acting as a pretty faced guide the Night Court provided as light entertainment before Eris would be escorted off to the private meeting room two halls down. You’d amuse a few dances, allow him to talk your ear off and pretend you don’t notice his fingers inching down the curve of your spine. “There’s not enough alcohol in the world to prepare me for you, Vanserra.”

His brow raises, a sly smirk growing as the lights from the iron-wrought chandeliers casted their shadows against the burnt copper of his hair. Warm eyes trail down the length of your form, a single finger twitching when taking in intricate details of your gold bodice; the rich fabric that was so dark it almost seemed blue in certain light. “Are you flirting with me?”

“No, I’m just hot and talking.”

Eris is just as bold as you remember, laughing softly under your breath at his proximity when you’ve turned around for another glass but a quick hand has swiped it from your grasp before a single drop can coat your tongue. “You’re testy tonight.” You can feel the cool caress of Az’s shadows curling around your ankle, a silent claim that has your teeth gritting against each other.

For once, you amuse the Autumn heir and his playful fire, dancing into the thick of his flame when you allow him to finish your drink and guide you to the dance floor with the others. “I double booked,” You lie easily, following his lead effortlessly as if you didn’t feel that cool wisp of a shadow steadily clamping tighter against your ankle. Low chatter blocks out the ability for others to eavesdrop but you can feel those golden eyes burning holes into the side of your face—to the bare strip of skin at your hip where Eris’ hand rested for the entire duration of the dance. “Can’t help the attitude that lingers knowing that I have to spend my night prattling about with you when I could’ve been indulging in multiple orgasms.”

A laugh that’s smooth like whiskey escapes Eris, a hint of a dimple forming on his left cheek and you hate that you notice the perfect lines of his teeth; his bottom lip that was fuller than the top, the slight bump on the bridge of his nose indicating it’d definitely been broken at least once in his life. “There’s ample time before my meeting if you’d like to have your cake and eat it too.”

“Maybe I’d agree,” You make a show out of examining him, subtly inhaling the spice of his cologne. Handsome but not Azriel. “If the ‘cake’ was a different flavor.”

Eris doesn’t falter for a second, even with the entirety of your Inner Circle’s attention fixed on him and the hands he had on your body. The deep baritone of his voice rumbles against your chest, nipples pebbling at the sensation. “Close your eyes then,” Words whisper at the lobe of your ear and the glittering jewel poked through it. “You can pretend I’m whoever you want with my tongue between your thighs.”

A witty remark crawls to the tip of your tongue, readying itself to leap off when that ghost chain around your leg pulls taut. There’s only enough time for your eyes to widen before you’re tugged away from Eris like a dog on a leash. It leads you out of the room and into the hall, refusing to loosen even a touch when you stubbornly resist but there’s no point when you’re cloaked in shadows. You barely notice the scenery change before you’re back at home and tossed over a shoulder. “You stupid, brutish, ape of a male!” Your shouts echo through the empty halls, bouncing off closed doors as Azriel strides through the foyer like he was on a mission. “Put me down right now!” Every word is coupled with the palms of your hands slapping at his thighs and digging into the back of his knees. One hand cranes back to dig into the thick of his hair and tug—hard.

Azriel’s hand is harder though, pure heat burning against the skin of your ass when it connects with a deafening clap. “Shut up.”

Your jostled back into place, cheeks warm and hands frozen where they’re bunched in the fine material of his dress shirt. “Az—“

His hand comes down once more and this time you yelp, teeth biting into the fat of your bottom lip as he clears the stairs and makes a sharp left. “I told you to shut up.”

Every bone in your body screams for you to comply, primal instincts igniting deep within advising you take the route of self-preservation but your pride overrides better judgement. “And I told you, I’m a free female. Let me go, right now!” You squirm once more, legs kicking and arms clawing for release when you’re roughly thrown off his shoulder and shoved into the wall in a motion so fluid it takes the air from your lungs.

Fuck your pride for letting her mouth write checks your ass couldn’t cash.

You’d never seen such darkness in such a vast sea of gold, the whole pupil of Azriel’s eyes blown out like a feral animal salivating at the mouth. “Do you feel like a free female right now?” He already knows the answer judging by the pleased smirk beginning to creep in the corner of his mouth at the sight of his shadows holding your hands in place.

You swallow thickly, annoyingly affected by his closeness and the hard bulge that throbs at your belly when he curls a hand around your neck, nose brushing your own. “I certainly don’t feel like I belong to you.”

“I can fix that.” It’s a promise. One you silently scold yourself for praying that it’s a promise he makes good on.

The Mother has favorites and tonight you must be one of them.

The kiss Azriel initiates is nothing short of brutal; the drag of his tongue across the seam of your lips his only kindness before gaining access and completely dominating from the inside out. Every touch is claiming; a strong hand calloused from centuries of skilled swordplay is generous when easing off the expensive gold bodice before the delicate fabric beneath is torn to shreds. Pretty strips of dark material spills to the floor, left for the house to clean as your thighs are gripped and your weight is hoisted up, legs cradling the muscular taper of Azriel’s waist.

He’s sucking marks into your neck, back pressed against the wall as his teeth graze at the sensitive skin there. Breasts spill from the confines of your bra, straps eased down your shoulders to make more room for his mouth to lay claim to. Azriel pinches at your nipples, eating up every sound like it’s offered on a platter. “Those noises sound like you belong to me.” Every nerve burns where he touches, marring your flesh and branding his mark as arousal collects in your underthings.

“Azriel,” You pant, trying to clear the fog of your brain but he’s all consuming; refusing to allow you air if it’s not the same one he breathes.

The flimsy underwear is pushed aside, familiar fingers collecting the slick gathering between your legs and a cruel smile grows on his face. “It certainly feels like you belong to me.” A thumb pressed firmly on the stiff bud of your clit, rubbing slow circles that has your toes curling. A thump sounds from where your head falls back to the ball, exposing the line of your neck and the dark purple bruises smattered along it. Your eyes close for a second, breath labored and mouth salivating from the promise of more but all that changes when his hands bunch up the elegant curl of your hair. He wraps it around like a leash, forcing you to look him in the eye and the rasp of his voice is devastating. “So why the fuck can’t you get it through your pretty head, huh?”

It’s a rhetorical question, that much you gather when he moulds his mouth to yours before you can even begin to muster up an answer. You’re boneless in his grasp, allowing him to take you to his room and share his sheets. The bedside table screeches when Azriel’s boot kicks at it, knocking over lamps and light bulbs shatter on the hardwood. He doesn’t even flinch, glass crunching under the soles of his shoes that he kicks off as he eases you down. “Az,” Insecurity threatens to rear her ugly head and ruin the moment, trying to push forth his hurtful words and the years of dancing around this feeling but Azriel’s already there to push that away. “Are you sure you even want to?”

“You belong to me,” He says and it’s final. Offering up the keys to the locked box filled with everything you’d dreamed about when you closed your eyes and wished on falling stars every year. Off goes his shirt and shortly his pants follow, dragging his underwear along with it and you can’t fight the moan when all of that bare skin is exposed and hovering above you. “Say it,” He urges, the hard length of him slotting between spread legs, grinding against warm need until you’re keening soft pleas into his chest, heels digging into his back.

The intrusion makes you gasp, hands greedy and mouth glued to his while he fucked into you like he always did. It’s a demanding pace; forcing you to take all of him while he watched you lose all your composure—all that beautiful fight that drew him to you in the first place. Az doesn’t stop, spurred on by strangled moans and choked words garbled together begging for more of him; harder, faster, deeper. Your clenching around him when the words stutter out of you in a whisper. “I belong to you.”

[flower-seller]

Oooohoohoo that cats analogy is very cute, like when two cats walk next to each other and bonk heads/curl tails (and ur not sure if its adoration or frustration lol)

That was really cool! And I'll throw some more at ya, all optional and no rush of puzzling anything out 💕

What does love mean to them? (ie gentle, fiery, enduring, painful?)

Love languages?

Favorite places, ways to be touched? (ie scratched, scalp massage, biting)

Monogamy or polyamory?

What is their moral code, and what circumstances could lead them to break it?

😘💕

Hi this one is…so, so late and I apologize for that BUT it is here it is for what it is worth! OTL 

Thanks for your patience, Praz!

What does love mean to them?

🌸 Euphorbia: 

Solidity and warmth, someone to lean on. Safety....even if she (past an, ahem, certain mountain-esque point) doesn't always get that feeling from him, she still loves him. It's all of it to her; gentle, fiery, enduring, painful, sweet and bitter and just...everything.

Basically, even if he's hurt and betrayed her, this fucked up little man is still her everything and while she isn't going to take his bullshit laying down she still cares deeply enough about him to try and wrangle him and understand what is wrong. Like, god, I bet at times out of nowhere during that 10 year gap they're apart she wonders if he ate that day.

✨️ Volo:

 For Volo... Love would be for someone to accept him as he is, not what he appears to be, but to acknowledge his flaws and mistakes, his scars, and still find something worth value. He's a very guarded person and for someone to be able to break away the facade he's built upon for his entire life; that is love. 

It's simple and a bit self indulgent on his part, but that's what we enjoy about him

Love Languages?

🌸 Euphorbia: 

Hmm… hers is probably gifts to a lesser extent than Volo. Even if she can't remember her past where her situation was similar, she is living where her means are not Great so to give something without it being an exchange is a big deal. No one gave you shit for free in water country so to her it's another little show of undiluted affection. i.e. candies and homemade preserves she gives him and the gold nugget she reverse mugs him with. Also, words of affirmation are a close second.

✨️ Volo: 

Volo's love language is gifts naturally. Further adds to the folklore/yokai vibes he's got now too in addition to his occupation, it's just too good not to be his exact love language. Another one though is definitely teasing, friendly jabs here and there for the people close enough to him to know he only jokes. Sometimes.

Favorite places/ways to be touched?

🌸 Euphorbia: Touch is a bit weird for Euph, since you've definitely got to be on the tier of friend or higher for her to willingly allow it. Though if she is in the village and someone taps her shoulder to get her attention or something she isn't going to lash out, since she is trying to play nice to avoid being tossed to the wilds with amnesia in an unfamiliar land.

As far as more intimate touch. We kind of touched on (heh) preferred places and ways to be touched with a kink meme. (Not posted but maybe… someday? It's not visually explicit, just a checklist.) But I imagine anyone else but Volo making her aware of how small she is would be met with grrrhisss, but definitely is not opposed to feeling his entire hand wrap around a wrist or shoulder or whatnot. Very much a case of "I am showing you my neck because I feel secure, please don't break it"

✨️ Volo: 

Volo is touch starved. And while there are spots that he is self conscious about, namely scars, this dude will absolutely melt at the slightest touch truthfully. He’s really big on… Hand holding. In both normal and sexual settings, He wants to twine his fingers together to show that he’s still there and that he loves her, always. Also pretty into his chest being played with and ass grabs oop— 

He’s got a nice ass and he knows it. 

He also loooves his hair being touched, his hair being a bit of a symbol to his progress in life. Once super long and flowy (longer than even current Volo’s), it was once cut down to about ear length against his own will. So it being as long as it is once more, this man feels a lot of emotion about it. 

One big thing to note; He does not like the touch of strangers in any regard. Especially after certain points in his life, he really does not care for random people even brushing shoulders with him accidentally. It makes him nervous, and nervousness leads into his anger which… Don’t touch this man without permission, he may recoil, and if you’re lucky he’ll only grumble about it. Especially his hands if he doesn’t know you. With how self conscious he is about his claws… 

There is another like. Super sensitive spot on his dude, but I shan’t reveal that yet… 😏

Monogamy or polyamory?

🌸 Euphorbia:

Hmm… she is probably mostly monogamous, it would take a very special someone since she's pretty stuck on this guy. She's already prone to a little jealousy, so I think anything beyond like an unattached threesome or whatever would take some work and probably give her indescribable amounts of heartburn first 

✨️ Volo:

YEAH YEAH they handshake pretty much

I could see like a political alliance threesome or maybe a secret spying one but not anything legitimately more than business. Even then I know he wouldn’t ever go through with full blown sex with anyone other than Euph for a plethora of reasons (most of which I will not say just yet but), but yeah teasing and toying to get information out of someone before tossing them aside is not off the table. 

Moral code and breaking it?

🌸 Euphorbia:

Her morals, outwardly, are pretty good. And actually not horrendously bad either. She's definitely willing to do some sketchy shit and feel minimally bad about it depending on what it is. "Be nice to me/my friend or I'll punch your lights out" and "good thing the nearest village is so far away because you fucked up and I'm going to break your wrist now and don't want someone to come running" type shit

As for what would make her break a moral code... your standard desperation, that can make anyone act unwise. That desperation can definitely range in flavor though, instinctual or meditated on.

Euph is pretty stubborn as a previous kiri nin from ye old days where the village was basically self-cannibalizing itself politically and maybe even literally. So having resolve and the will to keep moving forward even if you have to become monstrous to do so is far from an unknown concept. But...she also has come to value softer and sweeter things. So it's a bit complicated.

I guess the answer is just fuck around and find out ALSKDH

✨️ Volo:

Volo is… We all know Volo. He's a bit of an enigma in that of himself. His moral code, mind you his moral code, is quite different from the black and white common views of the world. Most nothing to him is inherently good or evil, everything is chaos, nothing and everything matters all at once. As such, his code of conduct varies vastly from situation to situation, there's obviously the favorable things to do, the more socially acceptable things, but seeing himself as an outlier to the status quo, he's more flexible to make choices that more typical people would… Probably not do?? The key point in understanding his mindset is that he doesn't value life the way most do. 

That being said, breaking his own code would be not only incredibly difficult, but also quite the event. The most likely causes for him to act out of his typical would be one of two things; Wrath, or Envy. Seeing as he is a cocky and confident bastard, it isn't too terribly often that he loses his temper truly. But when he does, boy does he. Easily comparable to a raging fire, once he's mad mad, it's hard to get him to calm down and will act out of instinct. 

Jealousy, on the other hand, makes the man act unwise. Often does jealousy lead to his more… Questionable choices, leaning on the dumb side. Often these choices go against his instinct.

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

i LOVE ur nanami x chubby reader contenttt ahhh i don't know if you take requests but por favor grace us with some more of your nanami x chubby reader content 🥺🥺

MEIN LIEBLING, MEIN SCHATZ, OF COURSE I WILL MAKE SOME MORE NANAMI X CHUBBY READER CONTENT FOR YOU ARE YOU KIDDING??? 🥺💕

No but i honestly get so excited when ppl ask for x chubby reader stuff bc we deserve love and attention too 😌💕 i may or may not have a Gojo x chubby reader thing in my drafts but you will have to be patient for that my little ducklings sksksk

OK lemme just word vomit a bit sksksk

Cw: chubby fem reader, fluff, smut, some body insecurity talk

Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Sweet sweet Nanami

Aka the biggest fucking simp for chubby ppl sksksk

Just so weak when it comes to his cute chubby darling

He's never seen someone as lovely as you and he doesn't think he'll see anyone lovelier

You are literally a goddess in his eyes and can do no wrong

The people around Nanami are honestly concerned at first that you're taking advantage of the overworked man bc they've never seen him bend over backwards for someone

But of course they get to know you and realize that you're wonderful and they're glad that you're such a good influence on him 😊

No but fr you've changed this man for the better

Before meeting you, he would work overtime more often just bc he didn't have any commitments or responsibilities besides his job so it's not the end of the world if he stays over an hour or so to do paperwork

But that all comes to an end once he meets you

The reason Nanami absolutely despises overtime is bc he wants to go back home to you as soon as possible

He wants to get back to you and hold you close and snuggle and kiss and just relax with his baby 🥺

Such an affectionate man jesus christ

He's a very reserved man so he doesn't express himself through words, he does it with actions

He doesn't know how to tell you he loves you with words tbh

So be prepared for lots of acts of service and physical touch and gift giving skskks

Im talking homemade meals, buying you anything that you show the slightest interest in, cuddling up to you whenever he can—

NO BUT HE LITERALLY HAS HIS HANDS ON YOU ALL THE TIME

I think i mentioned in my last ask that he's very handsy in general

BUT TBH??? YOUR BODY IS SO TEMPTING THAT HE CAN'T HELP BUT GET THE URGE TO TOUCH EVERY INCH OF YOU IN PRIVATE

Literally everything looks good on you

He sees you walk into the room and he's breathless every 👏 single 👏 time 👏

Sundress?? Adorable, delicious, angelic

Lingerie? Seductive, exquisite, mouthwatering

Shit, this guy could get hard from seeing you in a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants

Just an absolute heathen when it comes to you

His favorite outfit on you tho is an oversized t-shirt (a very soft cotton one that Nanami bought special bc he wanted you to steal his clothes and wear them 🥺💕), boxer briefs (also something he bought and wore a couple times just so u could steal it) and THIGH HIGH SOCKS

You just look hnnnnnnggggg SO GOOD IN THAT KIND OF OUTFIT god he's such a whore for you sksksksk

He loves how the shirt hangs off your soft shoulders, your neck on display for him, how the briefs ride up your thighs and hug them deliciously, making your ass look FANTASTIC, jesus don't even get him started on the socks—

The first time he saw you in that outfit was after he came home after a long and grueling workday

The minute he walked into the living room and saw you draped over the couch in that innocently seductive outfit, lying on your stomach, your ass shaped perfectly, looking over your shoulder at him, giving him that sweet smile of yours?

Bby all restraint flew out the window sksksk

He fucked you over the couch for the entire night I'm not fucking kidding like he was railing you for hours, it was one of the best nights of his life and he remembers it fondly

Nah fr thigh high socks, stockings, pantyhose, etc are his KRYPTONITE

The way they squeeze your supple thighs has him drooling like a goddamn mutt jesus he's so weak for you it's not even funny

He just wants to grab a handful of each thigh and squeeze, leaving bruises while he eats your pretty chubby pussy until you cry 💕

Absolutely obsessed with the way clothing hugs your body

He would never tell you what to wear bc he wants you to wear clothing that makes you comfortable, but he won't deny that he fucking loves when you wear tight-fitted outfits

He loves seeing the way your tits and arms and belly and thighs squish against the material, on the verge of bursting through the fabric of your dress/shirt/pants/etc

Oh lord it makes him so hard

Anything with elastic bands that squeeze your body have him sweating like he just imagines his hands there instead and how soft you would feel and how you would moan and suddenly he's dragging you home to fuck you sksksk

Ok but do you wanna know the outfit that makes him feel like a goddamn king?? The outfit that has him convinced that you're a literal goddess that came down from the heavens to bless him with your presence??

This robe (any color you like) with a matching chemise (something simple, with a lace trim)

It is, without a doubt, the most enticing outfit you could ever wear

You got it for your first anniversary (with your OWN MONEY, which Nanami rarely let's you do, but you kept it a surprise so he wouldn't know)

He found you in the bedroom wearing that and he gasped, putting his hand over his heart like mans thought he had died and gone to heaven istg

Lowkey if you ever need to convince Ken to do something, just walk around the house in this fit and you'll sway his thinking in 5 minutes tops skskks

He sees that robe swish out of the corner of his eye and he's already semi hard

You just look so elegant and gorgeous and delicate and sexy jesus christ how do you look so good???

This outfit truly makes Kento feel blessed 💕

How did he get so lucky as to find a curvaceous beauty like you?

Nanami will gladly crawl to you on his knees and kiss your feet when he sees you wearing this

You are truly perfect in his eyes and he will dedicate the rest of his life worshipping you if that's what you wish

SPEAKING OF WORSHIPPING

Our sweet Nanami Kento is the KING of body worship

He just loves running his hands all over your plush body, kissing and squeezing every inch of you, reminding you how incredible you are

If you are ever insecure about a part of your body, you won't be after fucking Nanami sksksk

If he ever learns about your body insecurities, he will hyperfixate on that body part and lavish you with attention

Dont like your stretchmarks? He'll lick ever stripe along your skin until you admit that they're stunning

Not a fan of your pudgy bits? He's going to squeeze those parts more often, hands lingering, lips trailing along your plush flesh as he kisses your chubby flesh

Don't like how your tummy pokes out? Baby, what are you even worried about, he's a foodie so of course he's gonna love your muffin top sksksk

Look hun, idk what to tell you!! He's just so in love with you and he thinks you're the most gorgeous woman on the planet and all he wants is to wife you up and treat you like a queen for the rest of your lives

Ok lemme take a break from the smut and talk fluff skskks

He's such a cuddlebug :3

AND YOU'RE HIS PERFECT LITTLE TEDDY BEAR 🥺💕

You're soft and squishy and warm and he loves holding you 💕

Prefers having you draped over him when you cuddle bc he likes how your body feels on top of him

Like the weight is lowkey comforting and soothing

This is super embarrassing for him to admit but if the two of you have to spend time apart for a few days, he has to put a weighted blanket on his chest so he can fall asleep

He's just so used to his precious chubby baby laying on him each night that he can't sleep without your body on his 🥺

Lowkey puts his weighted blanket in the dryer for a bit so it feels more like a person and tricks his body into thinking you're there with him

He gets so grumpy when he can't cuddle you

Like if he comes home after a long work day and you're not there for some reason, he gets so upset

Literally POUTS. Like a goddamn CHILD

Wont stop pouting until you get home and straddle his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck and snuggling close

Even then it'll take at least an hour of cuddling before he's happy again jesus fucking christ, he's a child a literal baby you're dating a fucking 5 year old—

Nanami will never admit this out loud (bc he thinks he'll sound creepy), but he loves watching you eat

He tries not to stare when his home cooked meals slip past your lips and into your mouth, but he cant help but watch

You're his baby? And you like food, his food?? You're all his forever and ever?

He's such a fuckin sap yall sksksk

Ok but speaking of food: this man is dying to taste your cooking

You could be the worst cook in the world but he will gobble up your meal and go for seconds and thirds

Why?? Bc you're his darling dearest, his big and beautiful girl and he'll be damned if he doesn't get to eat the love of his life's cooking

He doesn't mind cooking alone, but he prefers when you help him

He appreciates the help and having a pretty chubby beauty at his beck and call isn't so bad either

If you come up behind him while he's cooking, wrap your arms around his body and rest your face against his back, he will melt

He has to pause whatever he's doing to turn around and hug and kiss you

"Have I ever told you how wonderful you are, darling?"

"You told me that an hour ago, Ken."

"Well, I'm telling you again because it's true and you should know."

Favorite thing to do is cup your chubby cheeks and squish your face before he leans in for a kiss jesus he's such a goober

Ok so Nanami has been theorizing why he loves your body type more than others bc he doesn't know when this started

He's got a lot of guesses

Obviously, you're super soft and warm and delightful, but that's not all of it

He thinks that when he looks at you, his brain goes "they're big ➡️ they eat more than other people ➡️ they are well fed and love food"

Now, in reality those thoughts may not be true, but his little monkey brain goes through that process the first time he meets you

Tbh he cant explain it, he just sees you and thinks you love food as much as him and that makes him so happy bc he can actually see that you love food

Like its not like you're skinny and everyone thinks you eat salads and workout all the time but really you eat junk food and are lazy

No it's the fact that your size tells ppl "hey, I'm a big girl, i like food and im not afraid to show it, and at the end of the day im perfect and your opinion means jack shit to me"

And he loves that

He wants you to unabashedly say that you love food and tell the world to fuck off bc that's how he feels

Like we all know he's a foodie and he just wants someone to share his love of food with somebody, and having a partner that doesn't let their weight stop them from enjoying themselves and eating food they like??

It makes him overjoyed

He also likes your body bc you seem sturdier than other women

He has nothing against thin women, not by a long shot, but he sees their thin wrists and their thigh gaps and their collarbones and all he can think is "if i touch this girl she may very well break in half"

You, on the other hand, are plush and cushioned and give him plenty to grab and he doesn't have to hold back his strength when he interacts with you

Like the first time yall had sex he went super gentle at first bc he was still worried about hurting you

He legit thought that it would be too much for you even if he held back his strength

But then you begged him to fuck you harder and he realized that he can relax with you and be who he naturally is like he doesn't have to stifle parts of himself to accommodate you and that's v comforting to him

He always feels guilty when your body is sore and you're covered in dark marks, but he's more satisfied than anything

Like seriously this dude fucked you so hard that the neighbors down the hall could hear your headboard hitting the wall, and yet you still smiled at him afterwards and opened your legs for round two

He's able to let loose with you which he's never really been able to do before and he's very grateful that you let him unwind like that

He likes picking you up and having your limbs wrap around him and being able to hold onto your thighs and ass as he keeps you up

It's v normal for him to come home and hold his arms out for you, waiting for you to come to him and jump so he can hold onto you

You were nervous to do it at first but this guy could lift a car if he really wanted to so dont even sweat it babe, you are NOT too heavy for him

Whenever you talk about being insecure about your body, his face screws up and he just looks so appalled that you would ever see yourself as anything but perfect

He legitimately does not understand that you could be insecure about your body bc he would gladly live between your thighs if thats what you really wanted so what are you even concerned about???

Doesn't really like PDA in public but sometimes he can't help but palm your ass for a second before his arm goes around your waist its your fault for looking so good in those jeans 🙄

He's obsessed with kissing you

Doesn't have to lead to anything more! He just loves those plump soft lips against his as his hands smooth over your plush frame

He would do anything to feel those lips on other parts of his body (his cheek, his neck, his chest, his thighs, his co—)

Tl;dr Nanami Kento is the biggest simp on the planet for his pretty chubby girlfriend/soon to be wife 💕

[omegawolverine]

👀 mcc discourse? /gen

okay mcc discourse time everyone strap in

the three things i see people being pissed about most often are the lack of lgbt+ people in the event, the specific lgbt+ creators playing and, of course, technoblade being involved. so, let's break down why all three of these things are fucking dumb.

1) "there isnt enough lgbt+ creators".

this would be a fair argument that i could get behind...if not for the way mcc is set up for this specific event—and by that i mean it is a youtube sponsored event. the ccs involved need to have platforms on youtube to be able to participate to begin with, as it is a charity event. mcc doesn't have a lot of lgbt+ streamers involved this time around because a lot of those streamers straight up could not stream this event and scott literally said this himself.

on top of that, this isnt a "get invited and you can play!" event, it is a "you need to apply to be involved" event, meaning, if people dont meet the deadline, or they dont apply at fucking all, they cant play. that's not on fucking scott or anyone organizing mcc, that is on the ccs (if they even wanna be involved, i could not blame them for avoiding mcc after last times mess) who didnt apply in time/at all.

2) "there isnt enough diversity in the lgbt+ streamers" aka "im erasing people's identities and, again, disregarding the literal qualifications for this mcc which include having a youtube platform"

i keep seeing people bring up how every lgbt+ person in mcc is white and able bodied and neurotypical etc etc (which is an inaccurate statement anyways) as reasons why they "arent good enough" or they're bringing up how there "isnt any of [x] sexuality/gender involved" as if that's the organizers faults and i uh. i hate to break it to yall but, again, this is an apply to get in event. if these ccs that were "more diverse" (bc why the fuck are we referring to these ccs playing in fucking minecraft championship as some weird ass diversity characters instead of real life people who are more than their race, disability, etc.) met the requirements and were lgbt+ but just didnt apply, while a lot of other white, cis, neurotypical, able bodied, whatever the fuck else, did? yeah. nobody can change that. scott didnt just pick and chose who gets to play, there are literal rules for this event and also applications that are involved like?? hello????? and obviously i would love to see some more lgbt+ creators from different backgrounds with different identities in the cast, that would be awesome, but that is ultimately not up to the organizers. they cant force people to play. they cant skip people in the waiting lists. they can't have people who cant stream be involved in this mcc as their first event, both because it would be sad for them not to stream their first mcc and because it is a literal charity event.

and, to make things worse, a lot of people are saying there "isnt any trans people this mcc" which is just. a blatant lie. eret isnt cis and sqiashey is genderfluid, yall just dont like eret so you decide to refer to her as a "cis man" constantly, which is transphobic, and yall also dont know sqiashey so instead of doing research, you started running ur mouths and then didn't apologize when you got called on it.

like. even if eret was truly problematic, which i dont believe they are as they have apologized for every little mistake theyve made and dealt with the backlash from entitled little privileged teenagers online all while not complaining even the slightest bit, that still doesnt give you a right to misgender them and erase their identity as a non cis person entirely because you're mad over a fucking minecraft event like??? how fucking privileged you must be that this is what gets you heated. not any actual homophobia or transphobia, but apparently "lgbt+ people in minecraft not being diverse enough". choke.

3) "technoblade is a lesphobe, why is he in mcc"

tw on this section: i discuss my expierences with homophobia as an afab nblw briefly and reclaim the d slur (if you wanna read this section and avoid the homophobia discussion and/or d slur, skip from "as someone who is nblw" to "techno making a shitty joke").

all of techno's lesphobic comments are from 5+ years ago and were, at worst, jokes in poor taste. as someone who is nblw, i have had men follow me and my friend around and call us dykes for holding hands in a museum, i have had my family members harrass me for my sexuality and casually talk about how im gross and wrong for liking girls and i have been punished by literal teachers for showing "too much pda" with my past girlfriends despite the fact that ive never even kissed someone on campus before, just held hands and hugged. techno making some shitty jokes when he was a teenager years ago, while also having a plethora of examples of him being an lgbt+ ally, which does include lesbians, should not be treated the same way as literal bigots calling queer people slurs. and if you think it should be, you have had it fucking lucky.

yes, it is valid to be upset over these jokes, they're fucking weird and he shouldnt have made them, but to treat it with the exact same seriousness as a grown ass adult showing blatant homophobia in current times? no. fuck no.

extra notes bc there's some minor discourse points i left out: no, dream team shouldnt get to be involved in this event over other cishet ccs involved just because they have bigger platforms because this quite literally isnt about them, it's about lgbt+ people and they just didnt happen to get in. shut the fuck up. stop mentioning ant and velvet as people who shouldve been involved, they're quite literally together rn doing little daytrips and shit and they most likely dont wanna spend their time together playing fucking minecraft. also, stop saying techno should be replaced with ranboo (or anyone for that matter), it breaks ranboo's fucking boundaries and him donating 100k to the trevor project doesnt suddenly mean he gets to skip the mcc waiting list.

in conclusion: twitter stop whining over pride mcc, your privilege is showing.

(tagging @tauntwenthome bc you said you wanted to hear as well <3)

[awhst-alt]

I HAD THE BEST BYLER DREAM LAST NIGHT AND I REALLY WANNA SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL

it's so long (literally 2k words) so im gonna put it under the cut haha <3

so basically this would take place after mike and will start dating or something, idk exactly the time frame (i picture them being like 18 or something and this is the summer before college) and will goes to this summer arts program for like 2/3 months (i dunno how long american summer is but something like that) and its all the way far from home so there is dorms and stuff and he's "not in hawkins anymore" (no pun intended)

mike and will decide after will finishes his school they'd go to college together (cuz they're gonna be comic book artists together bc thats boyfriend shit) so throughout these months he's practically just waiting for will (<333333)

so one specific scene i remember from my dream involved will and mike getting off the bus to the school and then they hug and then mike grabs wills hand and brings him behind the bus and then he gives will a biggg kiss bc he won't be able to kiss him for 3 months. then they say they love each other and will gives him another quick kiss and is like "two kisses". they agree they'd call each other every day.

so will goes inside and mike goes back on the bus and goes home.

and basically the whole day is a whirl, until the end of it, in which mike is sitting in the kitchen near the phone waiting for like 3 hours for will to call, and will doesn't end up calling.

AND THEN IT GETS SPICYYYYY

so meanwhile at the arts program will asks like the front desk or something if he can call mike and they say phone is offlimits and they don't let him call mike

so then will goes to sleep and he's paranoid that he thinks mike is gonna hate him or something like that

mk than the next day in class there is this girl (they didn't reveal her name in the dream, ill call her stella) so stella is basically looking at will the entire class but will doesn't know it

so when they exit the class stella's like "hi" and will says "hi"

then stella says "i like your painting."

will is like rlly weirded out so he goes "thanks?"

"i um- hope this doesn't sound weird but i have no friends, do you want to be mine?"

"sure"

and then end of scene (this does not sound like a normal conversation but it's my dream so it doesn't have to make sense"

so BACK AT HAWKINS mike is still sleeping even tho it's like 3 pm because yk depressed boyfriend shit but then the PHONE RINGS and mike gets out of bed frantically and goes to the phone and he picks it up and is like "will?" and then it answers "it's el, idiot"

i feel like this is important for context but el speaks english very well now and hoppers back and she lives with hopper and not the byers anymore. ANYWAYS

el says "how's will?"

mike says "idk he didn't call"

"he didn't?"

"no, he didn't"

"okay. well maybe he will call later"

"yeah mb"

"wanna come over"

"ok"

so mike hangs up and gets changed and goes to el's house bc they r a couple o' besties and when he gets there it's like a therapy sessions bc mike usally talks to will every single day and he can't for like 3 months (unless will calls, but he's not going to) so he accepts he's gonna be depressed for 3 months and he's just talking to el about how he's gonna miss him so much and no be able to see his face and that shit

so el's like "well do u wanna do something to take ur mind off of him"

and mike's like "no im not gonna replace will" (I SCREAMED IN MY DREAM SRSLY)

but than el says "okay. guess im gonna go to the mall by myself" (ig starcourt is rebuilt by now)

and than mike bolts up and is like "fine"

"we can by something for will"

"okay yay"

so then they go to starcourt yasss!!

anyways back at the art school will is having lunch and stella is with he friends (even tho she said she doesn't have any friends) and one of her friends is like "omg did you see _____ he's so hot"

and another friend says "YESS! but ____ is cuter"

"what abt u stella? who do u have ur eyes on"

she says "byers" BUT NOOOOOOO WILL IS MIKES MAN

and they say "ew that kid who came back to life"

she says "yea. but he's cute, and shy, and once i wrap them around my finger i can get them to do anything"

so then she goes to sit down next to will at lunch

"hi will"

"hi"

"hru"

"im good"

"okay. good." and she gets upset because will goes ask how she is but she keeps her urging rage inside. and than they have this weird conversation and will is uncomfortable the whole time bc shes all like flirting with him and will is seeing someone obvi

but then she puts a hand on will's shoulder and he's shaking and then says something (idk what it is it wasn't explaining in my dream) then will stands up and runs to the bathroom. so he's just sitting in the stalls crying.

okay back at starcourt this part wasn't shown in my dream but im just gonna make up that mike and el go looking around starcourt for something for will (sort of like the mike/lucas/will montage where they were looking for stuff for el) and then i guess they find something for will and i don't have the slightest idea what they could have got for him BUT THEY GOT HIM SOMETHING GOOD

so mike's all happy but they'res still that depression inside of him lol

so fast forward a week, it really isn't explained but ill just make up that will still hasn't called mike, and he's super sad and all sleeping in but decides to look through his good ol binder full of will's drawings and in the arts school will and stella have a few more interactions im sure which are still very uncomfortable

okay so it's lunch again in the cafeteria and somehow will and stella are talking again but somehow it ends in stella kissing will and will like pulls away immediatley and is like "what is wrong with you!?"

and she says "what?"

"i'm seeing someone!"

"oh i uh- i didn't know."

the whole cafeteria is staring at them

so will's freaking out almost on the verge of a panic attack "idk what to do, he's gonna hate me and-"

"he?"

will has the look on his face like shit shit shit oh fuck no

"you're gay?"

"i-"

and will runs off once again. and everyone in the whole cafeteria knows that he's day and ofc with everybody being homophobic will knows it's not good at all bc everyone's gonna bully him

so then the next day he goes to class and the teacher is like "does anyone care to tell me where ___ is?" (it would be like a math question like 'where x is' but in art idkkk) and then the teacher calls on "will? can you tell me where ___ is?" and they'res a pause and then the teacher says "or perhaps you'd want to find your boyfriend instead?" (giving me anne with an e vibes prolly cuz i did a rewatch last weekend but i won't explain more in case some people haven't watched it but) anyways will stands up from his seat, everyone is looking at him, and he's shaking and so concerned but then he goes "fuck. you" badass will yeaaaa thats my boy

so then he runs out of the classroom and out of the school in a really cool montage way but then he realizes he's like 2 hours away from home but he runs and runs and he goes to a random bustop (it's not even garanteed if it takes him to hawkins but whatever) he gets on and tries to go back to hawkins.

and soon enough, he gets there, and immediatley goes to the wheelers because he needs to see mike and apologize for everything. so he's at the wheelers, and rings the doorbell, realizing he's still in his uniform lol but karen answers and mike is upstairs in his room sulking (i picture it would be 8 pm by now) so will asks for mike and karen calls mike. mike groans obviously because he doesn't know it's his boy, but he comes down, karen gets out of the way and as soon as he sees will they have a really big hug and it's super sweet and my heart UFHEIOSKA

mike says his usual "are you okay?" and mike is still confused as shit but will says "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" and mike says "you don't have to be sorry for anyrhing" but will says "ill explain"

so then they go to will's room, side-by-side on his bed and will starts explaining everything

(this is mostly improvised by me but it's still pretty similar to the dream)

"i hated it."

"the school?"

"yeah. there was no you, (mike blushes lmao), everything was terrible, i felt so lonely, they didn't let me call you-"

"what?"

"they said the phone was off limits. i wanted to talk to you so bad and i thought you'd hate me"

"i could never hate you, will, even if i tried." will smiles

"and then there was this girl, and she hit on me and i didn't know what to do bc i'd be the face of the school if i told her i was dating you and was gay and today she kissed me"

"WHAT"

"im sorry im sorry i didn't kiss back and i was so scared bc i never was in a relationship before and i was so scared it was considered cheating-"

and mike LAUGHSS

"what? mike? what's wrong?"

"if you don't do anything back, it's not considerd 'cheating'"

"oh. good. are you mad at me?"

"what? no! no never!" so mike opens his arms and says "come here" so will and mike hug or something like that and then mike says "do you need me to beat her up?"

and will says "you can't even beat eggs. besides, your noodle arms wouldn't be able to do harm to even a fly"

so mike laughs and says "i'm glad your home"

so will blurts "i cursed out a teacher"

"you? cursing?"

"yes."

"might have to start calling you a bad boy now"

will just smiles and says "i love you"

and mike says "i love you too"

AND THEN END AND IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF BC I LOVE THIS DREAM LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BRAIN THOUGHT OF THIS BUT IM OBSESSED

ALSO ONCE I FINISH WYBMFFAE ILL PROBABLY WRITE THIS INTO A FULL BLOWN FIC BUT AHIHFUSAH

edit: i have no idea what mike did with the present him and el bought for will but i guess they ended up giving it to him lol

[dolokhoded]

me starting to actually write this even though it still very obviously has some plot wholes

that ralbert au where race commits war crimes

i think it's really cute

so pulitzer is the big bad guy here for i'm basic reasons

has created some,, weird ass dumb ass evil empire

destroyed a couple towns

caused some battles

divided the world

y'know. stuff like that.

starting off with some spicy unfinished plot 🤩 but lbh it doesn't really matter anyways we're all just here for ralbert

anyways, race and al's families? pretty big part of that.

they're both supposed to take over their fathers' jobs when they grow up

said jobs basically being,, in charge of,,, unleashing people to raid entire towns and burn them to the ground

they grew up side by side, have always been best friends, never seen without each other

but understandably when they started growing up and understanding what was going on around them it,,,,,,, troubled them

and they dealed with it Very Differently

albert did Not like it

he was angry, and he was sad that this was what he was supposed to become and he was already never close with his family so it wasn't really hard for him to decide he didn't want anything to do with them anymore

race,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, okay look

deep inside him race knew what was going on was,,, s o wrong

but race was also from a big tight family, it was so much easier for him to just,,,,,, shut all of that out and pretend he was just doing what was better for them

it was hard for him, it was his family

still you can understand how well it went for them when albert left and race refused to go with him

they were 17 at the time

people against pulitzer's whole thing were obviously not very,,,,,,,,, well appreciated?

the moment albert ran away he was art of the defiance. he was a traitor.

but he was also still dasilva's son and they wanted them on their side, so they wouldn't seriously hurt him

doesn't mean they stopped looking for him

he shared an apartment with romeo and finch for a while, it was in a pretty lowkey neighborhood and they covered for him

and through them he met the rest of the newsies :) who actively helped in trying to help people who's homes were destroyed by pulitzer

there were people actively fighting him too but the newsies were mostly in charge of that

well, until albert and his non-existent impulse control arrived anyways

cause look,,,,, race was being trained for a reason, and eventually he took over

so when you see this ur ex-best friend who you're in love with but have a lot of repressed feelings for, both good and bad, that you decide to dump in the 'im angry' pile and just pretend you hate him and no longer care about him,,,,, fighting occurs

and there was a bit of controversy about albert joining them because "it's the dasilva boy romeo he was specifically trained to kick our asses" but that slowly turns into "yea ok he's very legit but for the love of god someone s t o p him the next time he tries to kiLL SOMEONE-"

that's a hyperbole, of course. even as rivals, albert wouldn't kill race. he barely even hurts him.

if anything, he even kind of looks out for him

he knows he's not supposed to but somehow he still can't bring himself to let race get hurt

besides let's be honest, most of their encounters are just an excuse to bitch at each other, they'd never do anything they know would seriously hurt the other

they know each other pretty well, they grew up together, they know each other's strengths and weaknesses

which is a pretty big advantage for them, honestly

enter,,,, albert dasilva's galaxy brain and the newsies' favorite game

Is Albert A Strategic Genius Or Is He Just In Love With Race

"no i've got this i know race!! i can use that against him!!!! i can guess his every move!!!! that's how well i know him!!!! i can recognize him in a room of like a billion people!!!!! it's my ultra strategic mind!!!! i can tell the sound of his voice from miles away!!!! it's because im so invested!!!!"

specs is like "in the mission or in race"

and albert is like "WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IT'S MY STRATEGIC MIND"

"I AM A MACHINE SPECS"

"you're chronically dumb"

"S T R A T E G I C M I N D."

albert really came in like well race's plan's gonna be ruined cause IM IN LOVE WITH HIM >:) what a fuckin loser

all this aside,,,,,,, albert never stops trying to get race on their side .

now RACETRACK,,,,,,,,,

we have a WHOLE LOT of being an asshole as a defense mechanism from this boy

in race's eyes, albert abandoned him

in race's eyes, he was given up on. he just wasn't enough to keep him there.

he can't see anything but that and never in a million years would he bring himself to believe albert still cares about him

he'd be getting his hopes too high and letting down his guard, and he can't afford to do that.

race doesn't notice albert trying to help him, he doesn't notice albert very carefully avoiding injuring him, he doesn't notice how albert will never say anything that would hurt him

albert's always protective of race, regardless of if he's beside or against him

which leads us to how once race eventually does get hurt, seriously hurt, literally no one bats an eye when albert returns with race unconscious, demanding they get him help

which they do, cause albert has not shut up about race for like one second, the newsies might as well know as much about him as albert did

naturally when race woke up he,,, had questions

and then he saw albert

he was sat on a chair next to him, sleeping

and this is the first time he's seen him like this in ages

and he gets a little chocked up because holy shit he almost forgot albert was,,,,,like,,, a person

and it wasn't necessary to only see him when fighting

he still had a life and friends and people he loved and he wasn't just this dude who left them because he didn't give a shit about anyone

he could genuinely care for people and he could love people and race just remembered how much he wished he could be one of those people

and how much he wished he could be albert's favorite person again and just sit and talk and laugh with him like they used to

cause that's a part of albert he'd forced himself to just forget about

and then al wakes up and he sees him looking up at him and he's like

"how're you feeling"

and then he's sad cause it's much harder to know albert is a good person with real feelings and he's capable of loving so much and race thinks he's just one of the people who will never get that side of him and he just

"fuck off"

they fight

because of course they do

they're not really sure on what terms they are at this point, and there's so much they need to get out there

at first race is just,,,, stubborn

he won't listen, he demands they let him go back

"we can just let you go, idiot, i shouldn't have ever brought you here in the first place!"

"then why did you?"

and al just shrugs it away as if he hasn't been in love with him for years and would never forgive himself if he left him there to bleed

they just go yelling at each other back and forth for a while until inevitably albert's non-existent impulse control makes his return

and he,,,,, very angrily tells him he loves him

and everything just stops cause that's the one thing race though he'd never hear him say again

and race is literally holding his breath cause he's scared he'll ruin it if he moves in the slightest and it'll all turn out to be in his head but it's not cause when he tells albert he loves him back he's still there and he just,,

takes race's face in his hands and kisses him so softly it's like they weren't just screaming at each other's faces

romeo just fuckin pokes his head in like "i heard yelling but i also heard i love you so i'll assume some of those unresolved feelings were let out and we're all ready to have a nice long healthy chat, yeah? :D"

so they do

they talk. for,,,,,,,,, a long time.

needless to say, race stays

he loves his family and maybe he'll be back for them, maybe he'll help them but he recognizes what's the priority here

plus it's a little clearer now that he doesn't have all those feelings to worry about, and it's been a while since he was actually accepted and loved, which the newsies did instantly. it's pretty obvious where he belongs now.

this au still has,,,,, SO much to unpack, holy shit, but i decided to leave this post here cause,,,,, i can't do all of that now. i might at some point though, if people actually are interested, there's a lot of hurt/comfort from this point. there's the nightmares part which is v soft and i adore it, THERE'S JUST A LOT TO UNPACK. so yeah, i'm finally posting this, ralbert stans, come get y'all's juice.

[marciaownsmylife]

purly hc - “what could go wrong”

curly sneaks ponyboy out to a concert that he is not supposed to be at

•ponyboy is stupid in love exhibit A

•the entire town was buzzing for spring break because there was a rock concert being held at the drive-in

•concerts didn’t happen often in tulsa and when they did they were usually some boring old people music the parents went to

•so just about every teen in tulsa had a ticket or knew someone or was gonna sneak in

•except ya boi ponyboy

•darry said no, and ponyboy begged for weeks and weeks but darry was not budging in the slightest

•soda was going tho, but he didn’t have school and he could pay for his own ticket

•practically everyone in the gang was going, except for darry and ponyboy

•pony was so upset over this, he had been sulking anytime anyone mentioned it, and it’s all everyone talked about, so that was a lot

•even dallas has gotten johnny a ticket, darry wasn’t too keen on that but it wasn’t his place to judge

•curly however was not only certain that he was going, this bitch had a whole ass plan to get on the stage

•and pony was apart of this plan

•so it came quite a shock to him when he tried to explain what pony had to do, that ponyboy told him he wasn’t going

•”what tf do u mean you’re not going?! how am i supposed to become tulsa’s next rockstar if ur not there????”

•pony was already in a bad mood because of the concert being mentioned so he wasn’t humouring curlys jokes (curly was dead serious tho, we been knew)

•but curly always got his way so he decided that he would just have to do a little more thinking than he was used to

•which was any sort of thinking in the first place

•curly suggested to pony that he’d just sneak out

•pony pointed out that he still didn’t have a ticket

•”leave that part to me, baby curtis, all you gotta do is be at your window”

•and so it was settled ponyboy was going

•but he made curly promise not to get on stage because if ponyboy was going he had to be careful not to run into any of the gang,

•darry had personally told them that there would be a cash reward for anyone who snitched on ponyboy, and this wasn’t just for the concert this was in general

•most of the gang didn’t really snitch that often but they all knew that the cash would be high if pony was caught at the concert

•curly was fine with it, as long as he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing, whether that be sneaking pony out or getting up on stage, he was cool

•the night of the concert came and pony had gotten dressed with his pyjamas over his clothes and gotten into bed, he’d also made sure to be extra pissy that day so everyone knew he was pissed off because he ‘wasn’t going’

•which was pretty easy because being a brat was like his specialty with him being the youngest child and everything

•soda and steve has already left, so all pony had to do was wait until darry went to bed

•darry was a heavy sleeper, once he was down he wasn’t getting up until tomorrow

•but of course, he went to bed late tonight to make sure pony was asleep before him, or so he thought

•tap tap tap

•right on cue, that would be curly

•pony stripped off his pyjama layer until he was in his normal clothes and tugged on his shoes

•he opened his window, with as little squeaking as possible, to see curly with his signature grin

•”why ponybabes you look stunning,”

•”it’s the same thing i wore to school today,”

•”did i stutter,”

•they hurry to the drive-in because darry had made them late by going to bed later

•by the time they get there they missed the first song but it didn’t matter to them much, now at least all the flashing lights were already going and it would be harder for people to recognize them (more so ponyboy)

•pony had obviously forgotten his jacket because it’s what he does, so he grabs curlys because it’s fucking freezing

•after they had shown their tickets to the guy at the door, he had put X’s on their hands to show they were under 21 and shouldn’t be served at the bar

•curly wasn’t happy about this, he tried to convince the guy that he was 22, it didn’t work for a second

•they get in and decide to stay around the edges of the crowd to avoid people they knew

•pony was having the time of his life, the adrenaline of sneaking out and the excitement of being able the feel the guitar solo shake the ground was the best thing he had ever felt (bc he’s a virgin lol)

•curly was happy because pony was happy, he even managed to convince him to dance

•as the night went on the boys hadn’t seen anyone they knew, and they had even been to the bar to get water (to curlys disappointment), so they started getting closer to the middle

•curly really wanted to show ponyboy the pit before the show ended so they made their way there for the last couple songs

•this is where it gets tricky

•as another song started the singer instructed for people to get on eachothers shoulders

•curly thought this was a great idea

•and they had managed to sneak a beer each from the bar in the end so ponyboy wasn’t really at his best thinking capacity

•so pony got on curlys shoulders and it was all going fine until he looked to his right and saw johnny about three feet away from him on dally’s shoulders

•johnny didn’t see him yet so pony still had a chance, tugged on curlys hair to get his attention and motioned for him to let him down

•curly did so straight away because he thought pony was about to fall, when pony was down he pointed out johnny and dallas to curly, they were still pretty close to them

•they pushed through the crowd and we able to get away

•until pony bashed straight into his brother soda

•pony thought they were done for, his whole life was gonna be spent locked up in his room because darry was never gonna let him out again

•but he didn’t have long to contemplate his doom, before soda hurled on the ground next to him, and pony quickly put together that sodapop was absolutely shitfaced drunk, he probably didn’t even recognize ponyboy

•pony wanted to help him, but he knew if soda was here steve wasn’t far behind and he didn’t want to push his luck so he left his poor brother heaving up his dinner on the ground

•he raced after curly to catch up with him

•once they had evaded the gang they made a stop a the port-i-loos and decided they would leave now before the last song so ponyboy would be home in bed before soda stumbled in, ponyboy wasnt so sure that soda was even coming home that night but they had to be sure they weren’t caught

•two-bit finally made his appearance when they were on their way out, he was also on his way out but it wasn’t his decision

•he was getting dragged out by security for being too drunk. two had a surprisingly good memory so if he saw them he would remember it, no matter how drunk he was

•curly had spotted him just before two-bit looked their way, he was going to see them either way, so the only chance they had was to make sure he wouldn’t recognize them

•so curly did what any rational tipsy teenager would do, he shoved ponyboy up against a wall and started making out with him, covering ponyboy from view in the process

•it took ponyboy by almost complete surprise, almost because curly was a sucker for spontaneous kisses, pony just wasn’t expecting him to be so rough but then again curly had to make it look like it was some random broad he was with

•it worked, but pony and curly had forgotten all about two-bit by the time they were done, and two-bit was long gone by then

•they got back to pony’s house and snuck him through the window without waking darry and they kissed goodbye and that was that

•it like 5am when they got back and pony had to get up for school 2 hours later and he was not feeling it fam, let me tell you, this boy had never felt to tired in his 14 years of life

•darry was suspicious but pony had the perfect excuse that he didn’t sleep well because soda wasn’t there and he got a nightmare so he was covered on that front

•school however he had no choice but to go or darry would have known, it wasn’t too bad since most of the school were either taking the day off or in the same boat as him since they were all at the concert too

•the teachers knew what was up too so they didn’t really bother much that day

•he was walking home with johnny, he was honestly surprised johnny went to school today until johnny told him that he wasn’t actually at school

•he just showed up to talk to ponyboy after

•now ponyboy was like (nervous laugh) hehehehe whaaaattt ???

•johnny doesn’t fuck around, he gets to the point

•”so like are you and curly a thing??”

•ponyboy is just kinda like ‘deny until you die’

•”what? no, i don’t even know him, like, curly who???”

•spoiler it doesn’t work

•turns out johnny and dallas had seen them in the pit, they were gonna say hi after the song but curly and pony had sketched before then

•pony was like “shit when are you gonna cash in to darry and snitch on me then,”

•he had accepted his fate

•”nah man i’m not gonna do that, and it took me all morning to convince dal not to either,”

•pony’s like tf?? why not?? because if he’s being honest if he were johnny he’d be cashing in as soon as he could

•but what ponyboy didn’t know was that before he saw johnny and dallas, curly had.

•but not in the pit, behind the bar

•they had been making out

•so curly had this information that johnny had assumed he told pony about but clearly he hadn’t

•by now pony caught on to the fact that johnny thought he knew something so he played along

•they switched the subject after that, but johnny hadn’t forgotten that pony still hadn’t answered his previous question about him and curly, he decided to leave it for now

•soda had stayed at steve’s the night before and when ponyboy got home, darry was too busy lecturing soda on his drinking that night to even notice ponyboy practically passing out as soon as he got in the door

•but in the end, curly and pony counted this as a win

anotherrr purly hc because i love these boysss, my online school started back from easter break today so there might not be any more hc too soon :(((

but i have 2 more ideas lined up, one for jally and one for johnnyboy

i also kinda want to do a point of view from jally of this night at the concert idk we’ll see

[caligobeltrao]

I for one would love 2 hear ur thoughts on the hannibal novel 👀👀 - bloodybrahms ☺

ahhh thank you BB!! <3 I’m gonna throw it under a cut bc I know people aren’t gonna want my ramblings clogging up their dash lol. 

Edit after I’ve written it: Holy shit this turned into a monster but tbf I did say I was going to rant. I think I miss writing college essays...

Also, I would like to note bc I’m about to bitch, I do still love Hannibal and Clarice and all of the franchise. Hell, I even love book Hannibal because I’m garbage and want to be special. So yeah. It’s a fond bitching. 

Okay where to fuckin begin man... This novel was a fucking Shit Show, my dudes. It was like baby’s first fanfiction. 

Let’s just jump in, shall we? 

So by now, having read both Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs, I know Harris injects of lot of sexual shit into his novels, fine whatever, but the amount of pedophilia is insane. Like, Red Dragon with the grandmother threatening to cut his dick off by holding it in between scissors????? And then we have Mason Verger, worst human on the planet. Like jfc I’ll go into him specifically more later but just. Men. Why does it always have to be sexual. 

Like that time Clarice wasn’t wearing a bra and she wanted to prove to Paul Krendler she wasn’t wearing a wire so she flashed him her tits?? Unnecessary, Harris. Bullshit on all counts. 

Next, poor Ardelia Mapp. So he clearly wrote out her accent in Silence, which frankly reads racist since to me it seemed like he did it every time a character of color was met but he didn’t for Clarice’s Southern accent except for this book when she was talking to Ardelia. Now, that’d be a cool way to show how close they are, sure, but it just... She didn’t show up enough to warrant that reaction from me, plus all the other casually racist shit he throws in. 

Ardelia’s literally there as the wise Black best friend to help Clarice along. She doesn’t feel like her own character, she’s only there in conjunction with her, or doing something for her. She was the fucking valedictorian for Christ fucking sake, she also works at the Bureau but if her department was mentioned it was only once in passing. She was not a full character which fucking blows because she could’ve been so cool. 

And real quick before I forget, I hate how she’s treated in the end. I do like she gets a reference and that brainwashed Clarice sent her an emerald ring and a note saying she was okay, but Ardelia was abandoned by her best friend (that she had lived with) with not even a phone call and they will never see each other again and I think Ardelia knows it. It sucks and I’m heartbroken for this woman. 

I’m gonna touch a little bit on the racism too. Now I’m white and not the most qualified to talk about this shit, but I do wanna mention it because it makes me mad. There’s just so many unnecessary slurs, any POC is more of a background helper character to Clarice than anything or a foil. 

For example, Evelda Drumgo. She starts us off. Badass Black woman who runs a drug cartel. She chooses to shoot at Clarice and risk her baby’s life, and we have Clarice wash the baby off and save his life. Then Evelda’s mother is written as irrational when she slaps Clarice for visiting the baby in the hospital; I get Clarice’s impulse, but that woman just lost her daughter because Clarice killed her. I would’ve slapped Clarice too, even if it was a totally justifiable shot. 

The baby himself is used as a foil throughout other parts, most notably to me when Clarice goes to visit Mason the first time. There are two Black boys from a foster home playing in a room with a camera so Mason can watch them, and it shakes Clarice up a lil bit because of the baby, but it says she’s getting more used to it.

Now this is half and half well written and shoddy to me. It’d be a cool moment, if the whole incident wasn’t nearly completely forgotten for the rest of the book shortly afterword. It could show growth, if Clarice had any growth to show. 

And then the Romani people who are literally just used and thrown away. Sickening. Also very broadly used the stereotypes we hear which Sucks; the three we meet in any sort of depth are pickpockets, one was already in jail and Pazzi used his leverage as a police officer to get her to do what he wanted and threatened to have her baby taken away from her permanently, like it was just bad. And then the man got killed. Pazzi let him bleed out. Asshole. 

The slurs. I could take out all of them and pretty much have the same damn thing. Like I get showing negative aspects of characters and just because a character’s racist doesn’t mean the author is, but with the characters already being as shitty as they are, fully didn’t need it to make them worse. Entirely unnecessary. Racism or the character being racist has no impact on the plot is the major thing, I think. And you can replace that with anything along those lines, like sexist, homophobic, transphobic. It didn’t impact the plot, they can still be shitty, you just don’t need to use them. 

This also goes in reference to Margot being a lesbian. And the transphobia holy shit, it was disgusting. Harris had Clarice think something so cruel and unnecessary it’s like my guy why was that even remotely something we needed to hear. We didn’t. I wanted to stop reading because that’s not my Clarice, first and foremost, and second, this is supposed to be the character we LIKE. And now I don’t like ANYBODY in this damn book. 

And he treats Margot like shit too, and Barney. 

Their friendship was beautiful and great and finally for once something nice was happening in Margot’s life and I was happy reading it, and then FOR SOME REASON Margot goes to shower in the same room as Barney after a workout, which makes no sense, and then Barney tries to force a kiss on her (and he was hard, Harris made that very clear) and she had been sexually assaulted by Mason her brother and ruin the whole damn thing and none of it would have changed any other piece of the novel if you removed it!!!!!!!!! Entirely unnecessary!!!!!! And Barney had the gall to say well I couldn’t help myself like none of that was realistic in the slightest, she never would have went in the same room to shower with him. 

Something you need to do is basically get some suspension of disbelief from your reader and maintain and stretch that as you go, right? Well mine was gone at that moment.

Also side note Margot is basically just there to show how shitty Mason is for the umpteenth time. Her whole thing is lesbian sexual assault victim.

Also heavily implied she was a lesbian because of the sexual assault. And we rarely see Judy, her girlfriend, so. Bad. Bad all around. 

Circling back around to Clarice and how disappointing she is in the books as compared to the movies. Well, Clarice is also a poorly written character. She’s 1000x better in the movie. Hell, she’s even better in this book than she was in Silence, but that’s not fucking hard. 

Pretty much all the characters are so flat they don’t even classify as two dimensional. 

Like sure, maybe we wanna say Clarice didn’t really solve much in the first book and was just handed everything because she was a trainee and that’s what Hannibal wanted. 

Like if you remember the John Mulaney sketch of Delta Airlines where he’s just going “Okay!” and running to the next place he’s told, that’s Clarice. 

Okay so why does she get goaded into all this shit now? She should know better. She should know how to handle herself better. Like she messes up basic fucking shit like clearing a room before untying Hannibal, which was stupid, she seems oblivious to some of the politics at work even though she’s been in the FBI for like 7 years now, she would at least have more fucking contacts than Brigham who died in the beginning and Jack Crawford who died at the end by rolling over in his bed to his dead wife’s side and Ardelia who would be near the same level as Clarice I guess but I still don’t know her damn department???? Like you fucking network. 

Plus after her final fall from grace with the FBI, we meet or are told of random side characters that go no where and do nothing just to say “hey look at my special little girl, everyone likes her and looks up to her!!” Why? Because she caught Buffalo Bill 7 years ago and then never got a promotion or even worked with the BAU? Again, it does not make sense. People may pity her? But a random girl in the lab wouldn’t be fangirling. Starling herself said her career had gone nowhere because of the politics and not sleeping with Paul. You need to show me why she’s likable in her actions not others words. 

We spend more time away from her than with her anyways but Jesus. 

AND HER IN THE ENDING. She was fucking BRAINWASHED????? Bull FUCKING SHIT. He completely ruined anything he even remotely might’ve had in this cluster fuck of a novel. 

Case in point, difference from the movie, Hannibal spends weeks (possibly? it’s left purposefully vague and I’m guessing that’s because Harris didn’t know the ins and outs and wanted his novel done) meticulously brainwashing Clarice, he had stolen her father’s bones and she’s so far gone at that point she doesn’t care, and the whole scene where Paul is getting his brain eaten? Yeah, she happily indulges and when he insults her, she asks Hannibal for more. Fuck you, Thomas Harris. 

And Hannibal’s a Gary Stu, fucking fight me. 

In the movie he either is or he’s tap dancing on that line, don’t get me wrong, but in the novels it’s insufferable because it doesn’t seem earned. The pigs didn’t attack him because they didn’t smell fear on him. No. He’s easily able to drug and brainwash Clarice and take her as his lover. No. Go away. He’s so smart and one step ahead and can manipulate anyone and everyone into doing what he wants and blah blah blah shut up! A character being perfect isn’t interesting even if he’s evil!! We all know he’s never truly in danger because of how Harris writes him and that’s boring!! 

And I personally have a pet peeve where the villain is described as a monster or unstoppable. That’s boring and I no longer care about your story. I know 9 times out of 10 your main character is going to find a bullshit way around the impossible and kill it. Or it’s just like a default personality and nothing else is added to it. And that’s Hannibal. 

I’m on Hannibal Rising now and, spoiler alert, he’s very bland as a character. (Also Harris switched some details in the novel which kinda annoys me like get your own canon right my man but whatever.) The plot itself is pretty fun? I guess? Like there’s action and stuff and I’m enjoying that. But it’s the same set up where Harris’s Gary Stu always wins, like he was 13 in the book when he killed the butcher. Let. Your. Characters. Lose. 

Also even more racist shit but what did I expect really. 

Anyways, I have no idea who I’m supposed to root for in the novel because all the characters are just kinda shitty. It really just boils down to Harris not showing any redeeming qualities or actions from any of his characters. I liked Margot for a while out of spite but she never really went anywhere and the way she killed Mason (btw she sodomized him with a cattle prod to get his semen bc side plot and then stuffed his Moray eel down his throat and somehow I still don’t think that’s the worst part of the novel) just. No thanks really. 

All the random little side plots were also pretty not great. How many time does Harris have to say Pazzi of the Pazzis? Like I fucking get what you’re going for, even if I hadn’t watched the movie I’d be like, “Oh this dude’s gonna get hung outta that window, dope,” the literal first time. Stop treating your readers like idiots. 

And then Margot’s side plot was that the will their father left said she needed a biological heir to inherit because he was pissed she’s gay and we needed the homophobia I guess, so Mason got everything, and she was helping him with the Hannibal shit because he’s pretty incapacitated duh, and in return he would give her his jizz so Judy could be artificially inseminated and they could have a child and get some of her inheritance. I don’t care. It was all very gross, and Mason kept saying shit like suck me off you’ve done it before, I won’t be able to feel it anyway, maybe Judy’ll suck me off you think she’d like that. It’s all gross. 

And I guess this is a good a time as any to finally start on Mason. So a great rule of writing to make everything work better and give your story more depth is to give everyone both positive and negative traits right, even and especially the bad guys? Like, rules can always be broken if you’re a good enough writer, but I believe I have established that Harris isn’t quite there yet, to put it nicer than I have. 

Mason is one bad trait after another. It’s like when Harris was bored of constantly writing about plain ole pedophilia, he threw a dart at a board of horrible things and landed on topics such as: pedophilia but make it incest, extreme sadism, sadism but against children now, and good old fashioned racism! Fucking Cordell was supposed to collect the children’s tears after Mason would make them cry and put them in martinis for him. Realism went out the goddamn door real fast with this novel y’all. Like a fucking Scooby Doo villain over here. 

And he loves talking about being a sadistic pedophile, he will literally not shut up about it to Clarice when she first gets there telling her about his trip to Africa and this portable guillotine he has and just. I get it was probably like trying to make her uncomfortable on purpose because he’s a Freak, but it went way too far if only because it was annoying, not even uncomfortable for me as a reader. I was bored real quick. Get to the shit I actually wanna know. 

And it sucks because of the weird, over-the-top way of how he died, I got zero satisfaction from his death. I couldn’t even be like, “Well at least Margot got her revenge,” because that’s not how she originally wanted to kill him!!! She wanted someone else to extract his semen for the insemination but couldn’t find anybody to do it for her, and then Hannibal, whilst tied up, said use a cattle prod and you won’t have to touch him and when you kill him you can blame it on me, and I’m pretty sure even if she hit his prostate right every time and he COULD cum from that alone in addition to how his body is Fucked Up now, it would’ve been a lengthy, gross, and re-traumatizing experience for her because all she wanted to do was avoid seeing and touching her brother’s private parts again, which I think is a totally fair and rational desire. 

So I have to live with the fact that she was desperate enough to not lose the house and business because of her homophobic father to go through her childhood trauma again. There’s no place in this book that has a somewhat positive conclusion. 

Even the very last bit where Barney has a girlfriend and a ton of cash from Margot, all he wants to do is see every Vermeer in the world right? Well, because Hannibal and Clarice are in Buenos Aires where one of them is on display, Barney gets spooked and has him and his girlfriend leave before he can see it and it ends that bit with he never got to see it ever so he didn’t even complete his dream!!! 

Also for good measure, Harris throws in that Hannibal and Clarice enjoy having sex regularly. For no reason. Just letting us know. 

I know this seemed like just a bitch fest, because it was, but I kinda sorta enjoyed it? It kept my attention at the very least. It’s really disappointing because like I said, I love the movies, all of them, and have since I was little. To see the original not stand up to that image in my mind is a little heartbreaking. Especially Clarice. She was a strong female role model to me, but turns out she’s... just kinda there. And her ending is that of her no longer being herself and getting that agency taken away from her. 

There is a reference to her waking up from a sleep, if she is asleep (that’s kind of how he worded it), that kinda let us draw our conclusions on whether she was just brainwashed into being good for him or if she was willingly going along with this and was in love with him I guess and it felt like a slap in the face. She turned from a hardworking, modest country girl working her way up to the FBI into a female Hannibal. Which on the surface sounds kinda cool because we love luxe serial killers, but that’s not what she wanted or who she was set up to be. And to insinuate that she would even remotely consider choosing that path for herself is at its best an insult to her and at its worst a complete erasure of her background, what little character Harris did set up. It also completely erases my own connections to her, as a girl from a small town myself who has bigger dreams than this and also... a good, strong set of morals. He just tossed that out the window. 

Obviously if you’re on this blog, you like slasher x reader shit, and this is a novel with a slasher x a person, right? So why am I so mad about it? Because the whole point of this blog and reader insert fanfiction in general is that you are taken as you are and loved wholly as yourself and that you are worthy of that love (in a fictional setting, not really loving people who are like this, which I think we understand but I want to clarify). She was not taken as she was. He is not in love with her, she is not in love with him. She was transformed into what he wanted out of her. He couldn’t get her to be Mischa, his first plan, so he made her like himself. And the fact that he was so easily able to do it makes me upset, and even more so is that it’s not written like it’s weird or wrong. It’s written like they’re in love and this is a good thing. 

He may have been going for the classic “everyone is capable of doing bad things” stuff we see a lot, but we got that from Margot already. And Barney, for stealing Lecter’s stuff and selling it. And Paul, and the entire FBI for turning on Clarice, and the kidnappers, and Pazzi, and random shitty side characters. And none of it was particularly well written or made some sort of strong statement. It just was. And that’s not a good enough basis for a novel. 

Anyways, if you made it this far holy shit you’re a saint and I love you, let’s be friends?? <3 Have a good day y’all, thank you BB for giving me permission to ramble. 

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.

[daturanerium]

i’m finally all caught up with @thepenumbrapodcast​ ‘s juno steel stories! here are my discordant thoughts on the story and the characters.

(i did this with the magnus archives season one, too! check it out here.)

SPOILERS FOR JUNO STEEL from s1e1 to s3ep2

general plot stuff:

this show. THIS SHOW. is written so well. the characterization is top-notch. the characters are fleshed out and interesting and engaging and they all grow and change and are affected by people and environments and time and events. they’re not static in the slightest.

i haven’t come across a story that deals with depression and suicidal idealization so well. i’m thoroughly impressed with how the writers both portrayed them and how well they have (so far) portrayed the healing process. wowowow.

THE LGBT REPRESENTATION IS OFF THE CHARTS. QUEERS LISTEN TO THIS SHOW. they have a nonbinary politician?? mlm romance and kiss in the first episode???? main character is nb with he/him pronouns??? SO MANY BADASS SAPPHIC SPY/MAFIA COUPLES.....IT TUGS AT MY HEART. the big strong guy is asexual??? i could go on for days but spoilers! just know that genuinely, you will not be disappointed.

this show has two main focuses/themes: trust and the future. it’s been so fantastic to see how juno and the other characters view both themes and how they changed themselves and/or others while encountering those themes in their everyday life.

ramses o’flaherty and the entire plotline that came with him was absolutely top-notch. it blew me away. ramses is a true complicated character, a grey area that makes you question everything you believe in. the storyline tackles politics, morals, and values while keeping it exciting and entertaining. it’s definitely one of my favorite storylines ever.

the writers are truly incredible. i’m really in awe. they inspire me!  i wish i had the energy right now to give them the praise essay that they deserve but i’m really tired and i want to get this posted. someday!

the worldbuilding is the perfect balance between two extremes that a lot of scifi authors really struggle with. juno explains how a (sort of) functioning mars city works in a way that feels natural and easy to understand, and the world he describes is both familiar and fascinating. although the environment is different, the audience is all too familiar with corruption and capitalism and classism. they keep the world relatable while giving it some really new and funky details (do i want a cat with six eyes and a stinger? of course! do i want to step outside for more than five hours and get radiation poisoning? that’s up for interpretation). they also chose a great route in making this story take place in the aftermath of (what seems to be) a galactic war instead of taking the traditional Save The World, End The War scifi route. it’s refreshing, and again, relatable (especially to me: i was born after 9/11 and have lived through the entirety of the war in afghanistan so the underlining feeling that hyperion city has that Something is Going To Go Wrong....i feel that).

there is so much more i want to say but this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks and i want to get it posted!

tl;dr: juno steel is really a fantastic work of art. it’s engaging and relatable and teaches valuable lessons about healing, trusting, and moving on in ways i have never seen another piece of media do so successfully. please give it a listen if you have a chance!

some character/character arc thoughts under the cut :)

juno:

god so dumb. just so fucking stupid. i love him.

i’m going to be honest. s1 and the beginning of s2 Juno was really hard for me to listen to. the way he treated others obviously was, to put it lightly, not the best (the monitor incident with rita comes to mind; i really hated that). it almost got repetitive, and since i’m already not a big fan of the depressed-asshole trope i was kind of hanging by a thread by the time ramses came around.

god am i glad i stuck around. his character growth and maturity within the second half of season two and the beginning of season three has been so satisfying! it hasn’t been perfect, but that’s part of the reason why it’s so good--it’s realistic and believable. he’s realized where his faults lie and is making a physical and mental effort to better himself. he’s even doing it verbally, explaining to people he trusts (rita) that he’s trying to be better and then actually acting on it. too often we see the depressed-asshole say the “i’m trying to be better!” line but don’t see any actions following it that signify that effort--that was my fear going into this. but that’s really, truly not the case here, and it’s such a breath of fresh air. plus, in-canon-wise, i’m so happy for juno he’s come so far!

okay nonbinary king i see you

GET THIS LADY A CAT PLEASE.

that moment during the end of s2 when he found that baby rabbit in the sewers.....god.

juno appreciate rita challenge (accepted!)

his voice......is so soothing. except when he yells but he’s better now we’ve established that

i LOVE how as soon as he figures out that he likes you he sticks to you like glue. that’s super funny and cute and also fits him perfectly

miss dahlia rose if you’re out there.....

his complicated relationship with ramses was so fascinating and important. i loved listening to that storyline.

juno: “there’s no way in hell i’m doing this, fuck off” juno, five minutes later: [is doing it]

that’s pretty much the beginning plot of every episode lol ur so valid juno we love u

he’s ability to make the dumbest decisions continues to astound me. he likes to talk about how mick is always getting himself in trouble but god juno you’re really not one to talk

the fact that, in a world that literally runs on tech, he has no idea how a coms works. that’s so fucking funny. if you ignore the backstory that comes behind it.

did juno ever tell alessandra that he made it out of the desert alive or is she just out there in hyperion city somewhere mourning him with her wife?

i already sort of wrote on juno’s backstory but it’s so good. so good.

he’s so fucking soft. he loves so much!!!! and that scares him!!!! but he’s working on it!!!!!

rita:

is she the love of my life or do i just relate heavily to her? who knows

actually no we’re gonna talk about this

rita penumbrapodcast, queen of adhd. queen of oversharing. queen of tangents. queen of love. queen of excitement. queen of caring for her friends more than herself. queen of incredible intelligence shown in an unconventional way. queen of being underappreciated.

s1 and the beginning of s2 really stung me because i’ve been in rita’s positon--used as a punching bag by someone i care deeply about because it’s better me than someone else, because i’m willing to sacrifice my own health and safety for the sake of giving them an outlet. we put it under the guise of “helping”, but we don’t realize until later that it’s really not; we’re just letting them get away with hurting themselves and hurting us. the monitor incident comes to mind again. i actually had to pause and take a step away after hearing juno yell and the glass break--although my abusive friendships thankfully never got violent, that kind of unbridled anger was all too familiar and i was begging out loud for her to leave. she handles it like a champ, and i honestly can’t say whether or not that’s a good or bad thing: good because she knows he doesn’t mean it or bad because she’s used to it? because it’s later revealed that juno’s treated her poorly from the first day they met. i was really worried that their relationship was going to end up being static, “depressed-asshole bullies quirky female sidekick and she never fights back because she loves him” trope. but, thankfully, they’re not!

towards the end of s2 and the beginning of s3 we didn’t just see growth in juno, we saw growth in rita. she confronts juno through a thetabot down in the sewers, calling him out on his self-destructive tendencies and his habit of doing important things without anyone else’s help (in this case, disappearing for weeks without telling her where he was). she points out that maybe the only way for him to appreciate her is for her to do the same thing--disappear for weeks, forcing him to realize just how much he needs her. thankfully, this is after juno’s Big Realization, and he sincerely apologizes for his treatment of her and assures her that he’s trying to be better. (and, side note, but that apology was a good one. a really good one. he verbally acknowledges his many mistakes, including the one rita specifically mentioned, acknowledges that he does not deserve her forgiveness, tells her what he’s trying to do to be better, and then apologizes and asks for her help. that’s good. take notes, people.) later that season, she takes initiative for what seems to be the first time, coming up with a solid, well-thought-out plan, enacting it on her own, and saving both an entire city and her boss. you could probably hear my cheers from wherever you are on earth, because they were there and they were loud! rita saving the day mixed with juno breaking through the mind control with his overwhelming love and appreciation for her.....god. good stuff.

rita buying juno’s office as a surprise for him.......i Will cry

literally she’s just so wonderful i love her so much

every time she talks i’m like [one billion heart emojis mixed with like forty crying emojis]

RITA SPINOFF WHEN. i come from the critical role community so yall know for a fact i’ll back it on kickstarter

once her and juno’s relationship reaches a healthy balance (and they’re already well on their way which i’m so happy about!) they’re going to be so good together. so powerful. the Ultimate cheery vs broody relationship (although juno is less broody at this point and more....gentle asshole. we love growth). they were unstoppable before, but now? god help the galaxy lol

the fact that rita can just casually hack into literally any system in the galaxy is so.......impressive? hot? yeah.

please get this woman a girlfriend and a cat

rita x franny xoxo

RITA BACKSTORY WHEN. PLEASE KEVIN AND SOPHIE PLEASE AS A RITA STAN I AM POLITELY BEGGING YOU.

rita is now in space, which is an interesting development. i just.....”rita in space” is not something i would have ever guessed at a week ago

wait oh my god.

i was sitting here thinking rita has some sort of trust fund/is secretly rich and that’s how she bought juno’s office and kept it afloat, but with the most recent episode’s developments it’s probably equally if not more likely that she either hacked into the nearest bank to give herself the creds needed or hacked the person she was buying it from to make it seem like she had made the payments. i literally adore her whoops

the little rita episodes make me so happy and i hope we get more of them!

tldr: i love her and she deserves the world and more, i’m glad her relationship with juno has changed into something a lot healthier with juno’s Realization mid-season-two, i hope she realizes the hero she already is in season three

peter:

.........oh how the turntables.

peter, season one: juno come with me so we can be together forever and travel the galaxy! i think i love you! juno: aw babe i wish i could but i’m sad and the city needs me :( peter, season three, when handed the opportunity to travel with a healing juno through the galaxy on a silver platter: actually fuck this lol i have One Job and it is to Only Think About My Current Assignment. this is smart and healthy.

this man.....this man right here officer. stole my fucking heart.

i don’t really have an essay for him because we haven’t seen enough of him to really gauge his character development beyond an obsession with debts and his aging. i’m guessing that will change this season though

the debts....what are they

can rita hack in and pay them off

god wouldn’t that be so funny. he spends his entire life trying to pay off these impossible debts and it’s stressing him out to the point where he feels he can’t focus on anything else. and one day he comes to the fam and explains everything and rita’s like “oh shit that’s easy i’ll take care of that right now!!! why didn’t you say something sooner” and hes like “what” and she’s like “yeah!” and he’s like “holy shit” and then he gets married to juno and they live happily ever after the end.

no but real talk

these debts. there’s a lot about them and the way he talks about them that really worries me. i feel like having them be simple money debt would be too easy, so maybe it’s something medical? that would explain both his obsession with his aging and his uncharacteristically excited reaction to the healing mother prime (i think that’s what it was whoops).

he also mentioned someone else before juno, someone that had some pretty strong romantic undertones. maybe they’re sick? but peter doesn’t seem like the type to throw away a relationship like that so quickly, so it doesn’t really match up that he would have someone sick and waiting for him but he’d still go after juno in season one. hmmm.

this one’s a real mystery lads. you think you have something figured out about peter nureyev but it just gives you more questions.

peter is the one mystery juno can’t solve. god, that’s good.

his voice is so good. i don’t remember who his voice actor is but they’re doing a fantastic job thank you!!!!

i actually don’t picture peter like how he’s portrayed in the official art and fanart? i wish i was an artist so i could draw him the way i see him but alas. (i still really like his official design tho!)

listen. you give me a mysterious thief that doesn’t exist and i am Forced to love him. i have a type.

thankfully peter seemed to come around during the most recent episode (s3e2 the man in glass) so i don’t think we’re going to get a repeat of season one. these debts, whatever they are, are definitely going to cause problems. i can’t wait to see what the writers do with this.

(my only fear is that it will end up fitting the “gay character has a sickness parallel to aids and it is incurable” trope. although the writers have so far done a fantastic job of writing queer characters and worlds as well as turning tropes on their heads, so even if it may seem like that’s the case in the beginning, i’ll most likely stick through it to see where they take it. i trust them).

peter i know you’ve never had a family in your life but. im gonna tell you a secret here. found family is cool and good and you’ll like it if you give it a chance.

i love him and as soon as i cut my hair short i’m gonna cosplay him. fashion king

peter nureyev makes me want to fall in love

watching (listening) to juno grow and mature was already fantastic, but to see it through the eyes of someone who respects him, cares for him, and loves him deeply? good lord.

the way peter talks about juno.....yeah.

and peter as an individual....WOW. master thief, yes wow impressive! but his growth is already focusing so much on trust and it’s been written so well. i can’t wait to see how much he continues to grow and learn to trust this season!!!

i would love to see him continue to narrate s3. i think it’s a really strong change of pace and it also puts some extra emphasis on juno’s growth while focusing on peter’s motivations and inner thoughts. i’m genuinely fine either way tho!

tl;dr: i love u emo boy i love u i love u

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part 3!!

summary- (y/n) has another #breakdown but like ACTUALLY this time she goes home just read it 

part 1 part 2 part 4

word count- 3.6k+

a/n- im terrible at summaries i figure if ur reading this far you don’t care you just wanna know what happens ya dig? also i appreciate all the love and support for this fic so much?? because i really thought this would flop but im so happy people are enjoying it. vice is literally my baby rn and i’ve put a lot of effort into it, and to see it pay off is grand ok goodbye. “fuck yeah,” i slurred, holding up my red cup in triumph. “midterms are hashtag over.” i slumped into britt, and she groaned, trying to push me off of her.  

“you’re too drunk,” she yelled over the thumping music. “your flights early tomorrow.”

“don’t care,” i smiled, dancing again. but britt’s word cut through my drunk thoughts moments later, and traveled straight to the gut. i might as well have doubled over because of the sinking feeling in my stomach. i had to go home the next day, and i didn’t want to in the slightest. the remix playing was drowned out as i stopped dancing abruptly, and got stuck in my head. the dark cloud that was rarely over my head anymore came crashing back, and i didn’t have calum to distract me. i had pushed the idea of me leaving college a semester early to kick start my life the back of my head, letting myself get lost in my studies for once, and calum. the second one was really the kicker. i pushed my way through the crowd, suddenly feeling very queasy. i stumbled throughout the unfamiliar house. miraculously i found a bathroom, and practically threw myself into it. i locked the door behind me, and fell to the floor. the cool tile soothed my burning skin, and i felt like i was human again. i crawled over the the toilet, head spinning. 

as i gripped the disgusting bowl and willed myself to throw up, i couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. but that was only the calm before the storm, because soon enough the dark cloud above my head stormed onto me. i cried so hard i gagged, and couldn’t catch my breath. my heart felt shriveled up and small and dead.

i had never been the drunk girl to have a complete meltdown, but i couldn’t stop the emotions from shooting out of every pore in my body. i felt like i was one big sad blob, and i physically couldn’t stop myself from getting drenched in the waters from my dark cloud. 

my crisis was interrupted by a knock at the door, i prayed it was a nice drunk girl that would braid my hair and tell me i’m pretty so i’d stop crying. but when i unlocked the door, calum’s eyes met mine and i cried even harder. i leaned against the cabinets, face in my hands, not wanting calum to see me at all, i wanted to disappear. 

it was funny, in the moments i wanted to be alone with my thoughts the most, calum always seemed to show up. 

“no, no, no,” calum’s words came out frantic, as he kneeled down in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face. the look of panic on his face sent my head spinning. 

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” his nickname pulled at my heart strings and only made the knot in my stomach grown tighter. 

i couldn’t catch my breath enough to get any words out, so i sat there blubbering like a toddler, looking down, only for calum to tilt my head back up. 

“hey,” he cooed, shutting and locking the bathroom door once again, this time not leaving me alone. he sat against the door, and pulled me to his lap. “let’s just calm down and then we can talk, ok?” he said softly into my hair. i nodded against his leather jacket, trying to take deep breaths. even though i hated being so broken in front of calum, i couldn’t help but cling onto him like my life depended on it. the contact between us grounded me. 

every once in a while a sob would break through my breathing, causing calum to tense up and hold me tighter for a second, before going back to rubbing slow circles on my back. 

once i brought myself back down to earth, i pulled away from his chest, the world around me tilted in all directions. “i don’t wanna go home,” i cried, my words making tears well back up in my eyes. calum’s face was full of guilt as he stared into my bloodshot eyes.

“hey,” he shushed me, wiping under my eyes. he’d need a whole box of tissues to dry my cheeks, “it’s ok, just go slow.” 

“i wanna fall in love, cal.” i admitted, not being able to control the thoughts involuntarily pouring out of my mouth. “i want it all-but i cant have it. they took it from me. i don’t wanna go back.” a lump in my throat sprouted from deep within me, threatening to send me into another crying fit. 

i could see his eyes go glassy, “no,” i begged, “don’t cry.”

“m’ sorry,” he chuckled weakly, reaching up to wipe his own eyes. “going soft, sorry, continue.” another sob wracked through my chest at his state. i leaned my forehead against his chest, letting another cry out. 

“i’m hurting everyone around me,” i said sadly, “i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” it became crystal clear that everyone was only calum. 

“but it’s so worth it, doll.” he whispered sweetly, smoothing the hairs around my ear. “you’re my sunshine, at the same time. what a contradiction you’ve proven to be.” it almost didn’t make sense. 

i settled against his chest, finally feeling a bit calmer. “an’ i know you’re really drunk right now, so i doubt you’ll remember most of this,” he starts, breath ghosting over my neck. “but, i accidentally let you in and i can feel myself falling for you. and it sucks because you’ll never be mine, fully at least, and you’re one of the only people i’ve let in so close to my heart.”

“stop,” i pleaded, “i don’t wanna know,”

“it’s not a bad thing, pretty girl.” he reassured me, “teaching me that it might be worth it, to let someone in, to enjoy someone’s company beyond sex.”

“i wish it didn’t have to be like this.” i mumbled, feeling very tired. 

“let’s get you home,”

i woke up the next day, to my blaring alarm clock. my head pounded as i flailed my hand around to turn off the terrible noise. it was the day of my flight and i couldn’t have felt any worse. eyes almost glued shut because of how puffy they were, traveled to see i was in the same clothes i was wearing the night prior. i felt like i’d been kicked in the face. clearly i had cried the night before. oh, the night before. 

i remembered almost everything, the crying, calum, more crying. it only made my headache worse. i showered to try and make myself feel less gross, but it only washed away the physical layer of grime. the emotional dirtiness would stay forever. 

i shrugged calum’s shirt over my head, it was dark blue, with maine written in bold white letters. it was probably my favorite shirt on him, so he insisted i have it. it was probably a bad idea to be reminded of calum while i went home, but it made me feel happy, and i could’ve used some light in my life. i pulled on a beanie and my long winter jacket, before grabbing my bags and heading towards the door. my roommates were still passed out from the night before, pillows over both of their heads. 

“bye, guys.” i muttered, before swinging the door open. “jesus, calum.” i breathed, clutching my chest, my heart almost stopping at the sight of him. 

“hey, sunshine.” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. the nickname launched me into the events of the night before and i willed myself not to break. 

“hi,” i breathed, biting the inside of my lip. “thank you, for last night.” 

“anytime,” he replied, “nice shirt.” this time his eyes sparkled a bit, before his face fell. 

“what’s up?” i questioned, not understanding why he was standing outside my dorm at almost eight in the morning. 

“i wanted to say bye to you before you left,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. he looked small, and tucked into himself, “feels like i’m losing you.” he mumbled the last part, almost low enough for me to miss it completely.

“please don’t say that,” i shut my eyes, forcing the tears to stay inside of me. he shrugged weakly. 

“i guess this is goodbye,” he smiled at me, brown eyes shining. my stomach sank and i reached towards him and engulfed him in the biggest hug i could muster. i wanted to keep him with me forever. 

“promise me you’ll see me when i get back,” i begged him, clutching onto him for dear life. his tight grasp around my waist indicated he was doing the same.  

“i promise,” his words were muffled by my shoulders, where his perfect face was squished. he pulled away, painfully, almost making me whine at the loss of contact. “goodbye, (y/n).”

“bye, calum.” i breathed, standing on my toes to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “i’ll see you when i get back-when i get home.” it was honest, being with calum felt more like a home than my own childhood house did. 

“i’ll see you then,” he gulped, and he watched me walk away. the entire trip back to my hometown, i spent on the verge of tears and a nervous breakdown.

[11:34 am] me: i can’t do this 

[11:35 am] calum: cant do what sunshine?

[11:35 am] me: my plane just landed. 

[11:36 am] calum: you can get thru this pretty girl

[11:36 am] me: you have way too much faith in me

[11:38 am] calum: (:

calum’s lightheartedness made me feel a bit better as i gathered my luggage painfully quick. near the baggage claim, my parents were waiting eagerly for me.  

“(y/n)!” my mom exclaimed, in a much different tone than she’d had the last time we spoke. it almost made me throw up at how sweet she was acting when the last time she made an effort to talk to me was to try and get me to drop out of school. 

“hey guys,” i plastered on a fake smile, bringing both of my parents in for a hug. “how are you?”

“wonderful, now that you’re back!” my dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “how about we head back to the house and have some lunch, i’m sure you’re starving.”

“i am!” i lied, i wasn’t. not in the slightest, my stomach was twisted and the idea of food made me want to yakk on the spot. my appetite had disappeared the second i turned around to see calum’s pained expression as i walked away. the drive home was tense, calling for awkward small talk and bad jokes. 

when we walked in the front door, i was greeted by a very happy david. my mouth fell open as i was halfway through kicking off my shoes. i felt like my body had been frozen solid. 

“i thought you didn’t get back for another day,” i deadpanned, not being able to hide my emotions. the whole trip was already emotionally heavy, and seeing david so soon only added another layer overbearing feelings. 

“i wanted to surprise you!” david pulled me in for a lingering hug, he was too keen on surprises for my liking. i hugged him back, and our bodies didn’t mold together like calum and i’s did. i felt no fire, i felt no excitement, i felt nothing except for a heavy emptiness settling in my chest. 

my little sister, maya, bounded down the entryway. “(y/n)!” she yelled, and i ripped myself away from david to embrace her. 

“hey, lil’ one.” i said, smiling for real. i pulled away, looking at her. “not so little anymore,” she was taller than i was now, towering over me by a few inches. 

“how’s junior year?”

“rough,” she rolled her eyes, “how’s college.”

“great.” i smiled widely, catching david’s eye, “i love it, you know that.” it was the in small victories. 

“stressful, though!” david cut in,

“a good kind of stress,” i snapped back, turning my eyes back to maya slowly, boxing david out of the conversation. “i’ve met a lot of great people.”

“who’s shirt is that?” she asked suddenly, gripping the dark blue fabric. her eyebrows furrowed together at the sight of the unfamiliar shirt. 

“just a friend’s,” i smiled, my mouth doing dry. maya wiggled her eyebrows at me, and i hit her arm. i wasn’t really lying, calum and i weren’t together, so that left us as friends, although friends weren’t necessarily supposed to act like we did. 

the air that hung around us was dense and suffocating, so i saw myself to the kitchen, where an array of food was laid out in front of my parents, and david’s.  

“hey honey,” david’s mom smiled at me, pulling me in for a hung. she kept an arm wound around my waist as david’s dad caught my attention. 

“how ya’ feelin, kid?” he asked, grinning widely. 

i gave him a gentle smile back, “i’m great,” i breathed, trying to grip onto the last of my sanity that would make my statement at least a little true. we spent the eve of christmas eve making small conversation, settling into the way things had always been, and will always be. 

i ended up sprawled out on my little sisters bed, late that night, face down. everyone had left, and i could finally feel my shoulders relax. 

“so...” maya sat next to me, causing me to roll onto my side. “you seeing anyone?” she mused, poking my shoulder. 

i sighed, “you know i shouldn’t.” i put simply, trying the avoid the thought and conversation. 

“when has that stopped you?” she challenged, “i know you don’t really love david,” she added quietly, looking at me with caring eyes. 

“even if i was...” i started, “it can’t be a good idea, it’ll only hurt more people in the end.”

maya frowned, “you deserve to be happy, (y/n).”

“i know,” i pulled my lips into a straight line, “i can make it work, i still have you.”

“you won’t be fully happy,” she fretted, her tone more upset than it was before. 

“maybe no ones ever fully happy,” i shrugged, “maybe i’ll just be a little less happy, i’ll survive.”

maya chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment, “do you think they’ll make me marry someone i don’t like too?” i sat up, and tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair. she seemed like a little girl again, and it broke my heart. 

“you were always more stubborn than i was,” i whispered, smoothing her hair down, “they can’t hold you down, lil’ one.” she smiled, “goodnight, maya.” the topic became too much to stomach. 

“night, (y/n).” i made my way out of maya’s room, padding down to my old bedroom. it was almost exactly the same, just a bit staler, from the lack of movement. the bed was freshly made, and i climbed into it, feeling drained from the day.

i woke up christmas eve morning, and fell into the bustling nature of the day ahead. i was helping cook and clean and prepare for everyone to come over. that night we’d have cousins and david’s family and david’s cousins over, and we’d all have one big painful night. 

when i was younger, christmas eve couldn’t come quick enough, and maya and i would spend the whole day waiting for the evening. but, as an adult, the festivities proved to be more annoying than joyful and the night rolled around too quick. my late afternoon nap was interrupted by my mother shaking me awake, informing me of the arrival of our relatives. 

i sleepily greeted everyone as they got to the house, stopping for a long conversation with my grandfather. i had never been more grateful for his ability to digress into the longest conversations ever, when i saw david and his family walk through the door. i focused on my grandfather, listening to whatever he was speaking about.

“that’s really interesting,” i said, “tell me more.” i practically begged, and my grandpa almost passed out at the excitement of someone wanting to listen to him. 

“hey, (y/n).” david piped up, his blonde hair was littered with snow flakes from being outside. 

“one second, david. my grandpas just telling me a story-“ i was cut off,

“that’s fine, sweetheart.” my grandpa said, his smile fading a bit. “go on.” i gave him a sad grin, and hugged him briefly before david pulled me towards the living room. 

“i was having a conversation,” i crossed my arms in front of david, pushing him out. 

he rolled his eyes, “i know you hate those conversations,” 

“that one was really immersing me!” i shot back, stomping my foot. he gripped my forearm, pulling me closer, “don’t throw a fit,” he grumbled, running a hand through his hair. 

“whatever,” i brushed it off, knowing i wouldn’t get my way. “what’s up?” “i just wanted to talk to you,” he answered, “i hadn’t seen you since i visited you and we hardly spoke yesterday.”

“m’ just tired,” i rubbed my eyes for effect, 

“we’ve barely spoken on the phone either,” he sneered, his face almost as flushed as his pink shirt. 

“two way street, david.” i said, my face straight and unmoving. 

“you know i love you, (y/n).” david sighed, reaching out for my hand. it was cold and uninviting, unlike calum’s warm embrace. “i just get busy, and distracted. i could use something to pull me out of it.”

“i get busy too,” i stated, my hand stiff in his, and i wondered if this was his idea of love. 

“with that major...” he muttered under his breath, and i almost didn’t hear him. “i just want us to be on good terms.”

“we are.” as good as we could get, it wasn’t saying much, but it was something. he smiled. 

“good.” and then i walked away, excusing myself to the restroom. i stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink so hard my knuckles went white. i let myself breath for a second, feeling i’d lose control if i didn’t. i pulled my phone out quickly, typing a text to calum. 

[7:27 pm] me: merry christmas eve

[7:30 pm] calum: merry christmas to you, pretty girl

[7:30 pm] calum: how are you?

[7:31 pm] me: surviving 

“(y/n)?” a knock cut through my trance and i jumped, going to open the door. 

“hi,” i caught my breath, looking at my mom. 

“dinners ready,” she stated, “you alright?”

“yes.” i nodded, following her to the dining room. david took a seat next to me, uncomfortably gripping my thigh throughout the night. his touch wasn’t reassuring or nice, it was repulsive and empty. 

after dinner, we all sat in the living room, gathered around the tree, giving our cousins gifts and opening them early. it was a family tradition to open gifts from extended family christmas eve, and david’s family had intertwined with ours, making it like a huge pre-christmas. once all the little cousins finished opening toys and sharing with one another we all started to fall into our own conversations. 

“i actually have one more gift,” david’s voice bellowed, it was loud and dripping with confidence. 

oh no. 

“it’s for (y/n),” he said, shifting his weight to one of his knees. 

oh no. 

“(y/n),” he started, grabbing both of my hands and the attention of everyone around us. i felt maya’s eyes shoot to mine, wide and worried. i felt sick to my stomach, “i love you, you know that.” my whole body was lit aflame and not in any desirable way, i felt too hot and crowded and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in my mouth. 

i couldn’t do anything but sit there, mouth hung open, heart pumping wildly. i watched his mouth move but i didn’t hear any noise come out, my ears rung loudly.

“will you marry me?” i didn’t answer, i couldn’t answer. 

“of course she will!” my mother shrilled loudly, clutching her chest. 

my eyes were dull with loss, the sharp edges of my memories with calum slicing at my heart as he slid the ring on my finger. i felt like i didn’t have myself anymore, or even know who i was. i didn’t know. i didn’t care. 

david pulled me in for a hug, as our family clapped loudly around us. it was all real and i couldn’t stop it. 

i looked calm, up until i finally shut my bedroom door behind me. all at once my tears flowed out, the dark cloud above my head had once again stormed on me, leaving me soaked to the core. i dragged myself to my bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes i’d wore that night. i felt hopeless as sobs ran through my body, shaking every part of me. my room was miserable and cold, and the only sound piercing the silence was my occasional cries i couldn’t keep quiet. 

i cried for me, i cried for my future kids, i cried for calum.

calum

. i wanted to tell him, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok, but it wasn’t and not even he could change that. but i longed to feel him, and the brightness he elicited by only giving me a look. my heart ached as i fell asleep, my future dragging me closer and closer.

a/n: ok drama lmk what ya think even if its me being stupid and spelling something wrong but feedback is appreciated! thank u for reading!! part 4 should be up tomorrow or in the next couple of days. ALSO im gonna fosho gonna write more after this is done so if you have an requests pls message me i would love 2 write what yall want ok goodbye love u 

tags: (lmk if u wanna be added for part 4/any other shit i write) @rexorangecouny

[alexsunmners]

ok sorry but ur so unbelievably amazing at angst, i'm thinking warren w/ #2 from reasons not to kiss her? ur so wonderful babe!!

Warren Worthington iii + this prompt list

a/n; this didn’t end up fitting the prompt at all but fucking whatever i like what i wrote also the ending here is so bad byE i can’t end drabbles to save my goddamn life jesus christ anyway this is canonverse set in berlin and just a heads up there’s a lot of discussion of negativity and injury so if that bothers you then maybe don’t read it? idk anyway @havokangel @mvximoff @rax-writes @emmcfrxst pls validate me even tho i didn’t proof read this

also for extra effect listen to earth by sleeping at last while reading 

no one ever taught you how to love. your war paint and scarred hands could never hold her like she deserves.

You’re lying back on the shitty, too-thin mattress on Warren’s floor, staring up at the ceiling as moonlight streams through the grimy, cracked window, illuminating your features in sharp relief. There are shadows hiding half your face, but the darkness doesn’t quite disguise your split lip or the dark bruises forming along your jaw and cheekbone or the way you almost seem to wince when you breathe. Lying there, you look half dead, battered and barely moving, but somehow you’re beautiful, even like this. He doesn’t want to think too much about it, but every time he glances at you, it’s like the breath is knocked from his lungs and he never wants to look away because god knows there’s little enough beauty in this world. 

The moonlight makes the tear that slides down your cheek look like stardust and the soft shaky sigh you let out tugs sharply at his chest because all he wants is to brush the tear away and hold you and tell you everything will be okay, and the sheer fucking absurdity of that almost makes him laugh at himself. Nothing is going to be okay. Not here. 

“I can’t-” you break off, starting again, closing your eyes. “I can’t be here. I can’t do this. This-fighting. I can’t. I feel like I’m fucking drowning. I can see the fights when I sleep, I can’t escape it, it just-it never fucking stops.” Your voice is quiet and fragile, as if the slightest wrong step would shatter you irreparably. “Doesn’t even matter to me who wins the fights anymore. Not really. I’m just-fuck it’s all-basically the only time I ever fucking see anyone is when I’m fighting and it’s so-I’m so goddamn lonely. It aches how lonely I am. Like-worse than the bruises or whatever.” Your hand moves to press lightly at your ribcage, and Warren almost flinches as you wince, a low hiss of pain escaping you. 

“I think that’s probably worse than a bruise this time,” he says, voice flat, carefully devoid of anything that might sound like pity. He knows how much you hate it. 

You sigh and shrug, then flinch again, still staring up at the cracks in his ceiling, a brief, humourless smile curving your lips. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I got a fractured rib. But that’s-god that’s so not the point. I feel-I feel like I’m just-slowly slipping underwater-like I’m losing my grip and just slowly running out of air and it’s going to kill me. I don’t-it’s not about the fighting. That’s fine at this point. This-numbness doesn’t feel-survivable. I mean-like-god, Warren, don’t you feel it too?” Another tear slides down your cheek and his finger twitches slightly as he fights down the urge to brush it away. Your breath hitches and your voice is unbearably soft as you say “I mean-I know you can fight. But this-it’s like-do you ever feel like-like your humanity or whatever is just-slipping away? Like you’re just gonna fuckin-lose sight of the good parts of you and the good parts of like and they’re all just gonna slip away from you and you’ll just-lose yourself and there’ll be nothing left to help you find it again.” 

It’s quiet for a long moment and Warren doesn’t know how to put what he feels into words because that’s how he’s felt since he arrived here, how it’s been in his head for fucking years at this point. He’s lost count of the times he thought he was going out of his goddamn mind, of the times he thought he’d been pushed far enough to lose whatever decency he had left. He’s felt like he’s been slowly drowning for so long it feels fucking normal. He still feels like it. 

But it’s more than that. Different to that, now. 

He’s been here for almost four years and you’ve been here for just over two and when you arrived, he didn’t think anything of you. Didn’t spare you a thought other than his usual appraisal of a new arrival. A month or so after your arrival, you got drunk together after a fight. It hadn’t been intentional, but he had been drinking alone and you had wordlessly sat down opposite him and held a hand out for the bottle of vodka. It started becoming a regular thing to drink together and somewhere along the way the two of you started talking. 

He doesn’t know what to call whatever exists between the two of you. Friendship doesn’t feel right. There are no friendships here. But he cares about you. God, does he care about you. It scares him a little when he thinks too much about it. Warren’s given up on love, had given up on it long ago, but when he looks at you, all he can think is that he would give his life to protect you without a second thought. Sometimes he thinks if you hadn’t been dragged into the fighting ring, he would have just lost himself entirely. Lost his grip on any semblance of decency, on his sense of self, on his sanity. He thinks maybe you saved him. 

He doesn’t believe in love anymore but he loves you. He doesn’t know how to say it, not even to himself, but he loves you. 

The exhausted, resigned sigh you let out drags him back to the present moment and you scrub a hand over your face, running your thumb lightly along the split in your lip as you say quietly “I don’t feel like myself. Don’t think I even remember what I used to feel like,” and the soft note of acceptance in your voice is fucking heartbreaking because he can remember when you still cried after the worst fights, when you weren’t covered in scars, when you still talked about Berlin like it was temporary. He remembers when you talked about getting out, about escaping and now you’re just lying there like you don’t even have the energy to think about leaving and even though he knows it’s not, it feels like his fault. You saved him and he wants to save you back but he doesn’t know how to even start. He wants to tell you it’ll be okay, wants to brush your tears away and hold you and comfort you but your knuckles are so bruised and swollen he doesn’t even think he can hold your hand without hurting you more. 

Warren rakes a hand through his hair, his wings fluttering reflexively behind him as he shifts, leaning back against the wall and stretching his legs out in front of him, body stiff and aching with exhaustion and half healed injuries. He glances over at you, the moonlight and shadow making you look like some kind of renaissance painting about beauty and suffering and it’s almost poetic, except there’s nothing poetic about being in pain. Nothing artistic about the bruises and the blood and the fraying sanity. You turn your head and catch him staring and he doesn’t drop your gaze. There’s a silent question in your eyes, like you’re waiting for an answer, for something to hold onto. A lifeline. 

“I-I remember,” he breaks off, voice uncertain. Swallowing hard, he tries again. “I remember what you were like. Before this. It’s not-you haven’t-who you were then. That person isn’t lost.” 

You’re quiet for a long moment, studying him with an intensity that almost feels like it’s burning through him but he doesn’t look away. When you speak, your voice is scarcely above a whisper, a little hoarse. 

“Thank you.” 

[incorrect-astro]

jincha with 9 ii please!!

HELLO LOVE I’M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG!! to make up for how fucking long it took me to finish this, i made it longer!! this isn’t like romantic jincha bc sirens are Evil and that would be v complicated to work out, but this is still jincha so!! yes here u go i hope you like it~

9; ii: “siren and asexual pirate who doesn’t understand why all his crew are losing their shit that person has a nice voice sure but what the fuck is happening”

———

so Jinwoo honestly had no idea what was happening. one second, him and his crew are manning the ship, sailing along all fine and dandy. and suddenly, this beautiful voice starts singing in the distance, then moves closer so it’s right next to the ship, and, good lord, half his crew has already jumped into the murky water, the other half losing their absolute shit on board ??

“what in the holy fuck,” Jinwoo mutters to himself as he ties the rope around a handle on the ship’s wheel, running down to the main deck, too slow to catch his remaining crew.

“YAH! YOU SHITS, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” he yells into the water, voice carrying as it echos around him. it wasn’t like he was that attached to his crew, but they were all so fucking good at following orders. oh well, he’ll hire others later.

after Jinwoo fucking long internal monologue, out of fucking nowhere a beautiful person’s face emerges from the water. oh, so that’s where the singing was coming from.

“what did you do to my crew?” Jinwoo calls down to the person floating gracefully in the water below.

the creature looks confused, but they keep singing. well, fucking ignore me, then. he thinks.

“i hope you realize i will keep asking until you reply; what the FUCK did you do to my fucking crew?” the singing stops then, the creature looking even more confused than before.

“can you even hear me?” it asks, voice like honey as it floats up with the sea breeze.

“yes, i can hear you. now answer my question; what did you do to my crew?” Jinwoo’s voice is calm, despite the anger flooding his mind.

“i’m a siren. that’s what sirens do,” the siren says, confusion obvious in his voice, despite his attempts to hide it.

“bullshit. i’m fine, aren’t i? i’m standing right here, not desperately leaping into the water to try to sex you, am i? so, what the fuck.”

“try and ‘sex me’? i’m just trying to make you wreck your ship so me and my friends can drown you, not sleep with you,” the siren looks less confused and more annoyed at this point, and Jinwoo really wished it wouldn’t be a risk to his entire fucking life to jump down there and stab the beautiful fucker.

“also, why aren’t you trying to leap down here, anyway?” the siren asks, sticking his snake-like tongue out of his mouth thoughtfully. what the fuck he’s adorable he killed ur entire crew Jinwoo he’s evil shut the fuck up.

“i mean, i’m asexual aroflux so? not really attracted to you in the slightest,” Jinwoo stop lying u think he’s hot is is his response, shrugging casually as he let’s out an angry breath.

“oh… huh,” the siren seems to know what the identities mean, as he doesn’t ask for any further explanation. “that’s a first. i am too,”

wait

“what??” Jinwoo isn’t angry anymore, just?? a siren can be ace/aro???

“i’m ace aroflux too, mr. tiny captain guy,” oh, huh. well then.

“first of all, fuck you i’m not that short, and second of all, i didn’t know sirens could be ace. nice.”

“well, you can tell the story of the ace siren to all your friends and whatever. they wont believe you, but you can always come find me and they can see me in real life before i kill them,”

“oh, how sweet. thank you so very much,”

“anytime, tiny captain,”

“FUCK OFF,”

send me writing requests

[leaughrilke]

heavy wings grow lighter pt. 1

your world has no love to give

find it on: ao3

From: Troy Bolton To: Trini ?? 1:41pm hey do u want to study with me?  I grabbed one of the back tables

1:57pm T

2:08pm are u here today?  if u ditched it would have been polite to invite us u know

2:09pm also do u need a ride to the mine

2:14pm Trini??

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:16pm hey have u seen Trini

2:16pm she’s usually in the library during free but I haven’t seen her since before lunch.  she’s not answering her phone either and I need to know if she needs a ride to training

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:16pm i havent seen her

2:17pm did she seem ok to u when u saw her?  she’s been really quiet lately

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:17pm she’s always quiet

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:17pm quieter than normal.  like even with me

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:18pm shit

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:18pm class lets out in a bit, i’ll skip next and look for her

2:18pm text u when i find her

From: Fighter Pilot Barbie To: T 💛 💪💥👊👭 2:19pm where are u, jason’s worried

2:20pm on that matter, im worried

2:20pm did u skip bc if so bring me donuts

2:28pm u better be lying in a ditch somewhere

2:29pm actually i take that back but im still worried please call me to let me know ur alive or something

The bell rings just as Kimberly locks her phone, and it doesn’t so much as startle her—a feat that’s become increasingly hard to accomplish thanks to freaky Ranger skills (Trini’s term, of course)—as it does spur her to shove her books into a stack and head for the door.  

Someone from the other side of the classroom—Harper, maybe, or Rebecca—laughs, says something ugly that Kimberly no doubt deserves and that she is absolutely meant to hear.  Kimberly’s hands curl into fists, one wrapped tight around the strap of her bag, and, in another life, she probably would turn and throw something just as terrible back.  But there’s this awful, uncomfortable feeling in the very center of her chest that took hold when Jason texted her and that alone is enough to double her self-restraint.

Trini’s locker is on the other side of the main building, towards the gym, but up on the second floor as opposed to Kimberly’s newly assigned one near the front entrance.  Kimberly has to use a fair amount of evasive action to get there, especially once the second bell’s rung and the vice principal is prowling the halls trying to catch kids without hall passes—it’s not as if she’s not already stuck in Saturday detention, but she’d rather not add after school ones to her roster.  

Because of training.  Not because she has a standing donut date with Trini on Tuesdays, before they head to the mine.

When she rounds the corner of the stairwell, the girl in question is there.  Back to Kimberly, standing on a stack of books and scrubbing at her locker.  She freezes when Kimberly steps into the hall and Kimberly’s heart clenches at the tension held in the narrow line of her shoulders, at the way she seems to fold in on herself, making herself even smaller than she is.  Some of that goes away when Kimberly calls out, “Hey, I’ve been trying to text you,” but not all of it, not enough of it for the unease to slip away from Kimberly’s sternum.

“Huh,” Trini hums, still not turning around.  That’s red flag number one.  “Haven’t checked my phone in a while.”  Red flag number two, considering that if Trini’s not with the rest of them, she’s all but glued to her phone.  And, Kimberly notes with a little pride and with growing apprehension, even if she’s avoiding other people, she never ignores Kimberly’s texts.

“Are you okay?”  Kimberly steps further into the hallway, pauses when Trini visibly flinches.  “Hey, T, I’m worried about—.”

Trini straightens, rolls out her shoulders like she’s squaring up even with her back still to Kimberly.  “I’m fine,” she drawls, like everything isn’t completely wrong.  “Shouldn’t you be in class?”

Narrowing her eyes, Kimberly fires back, “You’ve missed three.”  Her tone is so much sharper than she’d intended, but sometimes to cut through Trini’s bluffing, Kimberly’s found you need a knife.

“Zack’s missed the entire day.”

“Zack’s…Zack.”  Kimberly steps closer, crosses the remaining space between them in a couple long strides.  “You usually give me a heads up if you’re planning on skipping.”

“Can you drop it?  I just forgot, okay?”

Kimberly doesn’t flinch at Trini’s tone, ignores the way her words sting, lodge in the space between her ribs.  The shorter girl is actually Kimberly’s height with the help of her textbooks underfoot, but she’s still not turning to face her, keeps shifting her weight—it hits her then that Trini’s trying to block her view.

Trini’s faster than her on a normal day, smaller and lighter on her feet than Kimberly can ever dream of being, even with years of gymnastics and cheer under her belt.  But Trini seems off-kilter now, doesn’t react fast enough to catch her before she can step just to the side to peer over her shoulder.

“Who—,” Kimberly starts as Trini finally turns and says, “It’s not that bad—,” reaching out with her free hand like she’s going to push Kimberly back.

Kimberly gets why she’s been avoiding the rest of the rangers now.  Trini’s blotchy, red nosed, and there’s blood smeared along her hairline and her full bottom lip—not that Kimberly’s noticed her lips or anything—is split down the side, purpling and swollen.  When Kimberly steps a little closer, she can see the smudge of a bruise along her cheekbone, the redness around Trini’s eyes, like she’s been rubbing at them too roughly.  She probably has.

The sight of her makes Kimberly’s blood boil, the sight of it, the word behind Trini, makes her face feel hot—four ugly red letters, taking up the entirety of Trini’s locker door, top left to bottom right.  

“Who the fuck did this?”  

Kimberly tries to keep the fury out of her voice, she truly does, but if Trini paling is any indication, she’s failing miserably.  In her defense, it’s taking every bit of Kimberly’s self-restraint to not reach around the other girl and rip the door off its hinges, crush it in one move, maybe two if she ripped it in half first—a move that she is very seriously considering.  It’d be nearly poetic, maybe, she thinks.

She doesn’t though.  Not when she notices how Trini’s chin is trembling, how she’s gripping the paper towels she was using to scrub at the word, white knuckled and fingertips ripping through the damp material.   She pauses, softens.  “Trini,” she breathes.  “Did whoever write that do this,” she gestures to Trini’s face, “to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”  Trini’s free hand drops, goes back to press flat against the wall of lockers.  

“Trini.  It matters.”  How could it not?  How could Kimberly ever—jesus, how could she ever not care about this?

The metal creaks, groans beneath the smaller girl’s hand, the door of the locker kitty corner to hers crumpling under her fingers.  She doesn’t seem to notice, her eyes unfocused and somewhere far away—Trini doesn’t flinch when Kimberly reaches out again, gently pulls her hand away from the lockers.  She doesn’t flinch, but she stiffens at Kimberly’s touch, her eyes darting around the hallway as she shrinks back just the slightest.

Right.  

Kimberly’s never—she’s been incredibly lucky.  She knows this.  She’s never had the same bone-deep fear that Trini has, never had the same self-doubt.  When Kimberly was fourteen, she googled what it meant to want to kiss your friend, found a word for it and, quite frankly, never thought about it again.  She isn’t out at school necessarily, nor to her parents, but she’s never feared what it would mean if she was, never really had a reason to.  Even now, after her fall, that confidence is still held in some quiet place inside her.  

But when Trini was fourteen, she told a girl she liked her and got laughed at, cut off—there’s more to the story, Kimberly knows, uglier things that Trini’s keeping close to the chest, but the bare bones are enough to put together an altogether heartbreaking picture.

“Come on,” she murmurs, hand at Trini’s wrist, not quite touching her.  “You need to get cleaned up.”

“You don’t have to do this.”  Trini’s frowning even as she steps off her textbook stepstool, eyes settled somewhere just past Kimberly’s shoulder.  She crosses her arms—it’s the first moment that Kimberly notices the blood on her collar, dried brown against the yellow of her shirt.  “You don’t have to help me.”

Kimberly stares at her openly, pressing her lips into a line.  They’ve all—Kimberly knows that Trini is slower to trust than any of them, they all know that.  They’ve adapted, figured out the best ways to make her feel safe, whole, cared for.  But this—after as much care that Trini’s shown for them, for her, she should be able to know.  Be able to trust that they all would do the same for her.  That Kimberly would do the same.

She’s trying not to take this skepticism personally.  This isn’t the time for her feelings—not that she has feelings for Trini, because they’re teammates and Trini’s her best friend and—yeah.  Anyway.

“You’re right, I don’t have to.  I want to,” Kimberly says firmly, stepping back and raising her hand to the small of Trini’s back but letting it hang in the air just a hair away from touching her.  “You’re my fellow ranger and my best friend and I—.” And I’m probably in love with you.  “And I care about you.  Let me help.”

Trini doesn’t protest after that.  She lets Kimberly half-guide her to the nearest, quietest bathroom—Kimberly’s got a fairly useful ranking system for every bathroom in the school.  Which are the nicest, which are the quietest, which don’t echo if you sob, which are the least likely place any of her old crowd would be.  She steers Trini towards the bathroom near the chemistry labs; someone told the incoming freshmen a couple years back that it was haunted and the rumor stuck, even if no one wanted to admit to believing it.

“Hop up.”  Kimberly taps the counter space between sinks lightly, turns away to grab a few paper towels and wet them.  When she turns back, Trini’s glaring down at her hands, twisted up in her lap, her legs dangling over the edge of the counter.  “You’re not going to like me very much in a minute,” she tells her, wringing out the paper towels so they’re just damp enough.

“Doubtful.”

Kimberly shrugs off a little of the anger that’s still curled in her fingers, flicking off excess water as she flashes Trini a smile.  “Is that a compliment?”

The corner of Trini’s mouth quirks up, the closest she can come to a smile without pulling at the split in her lip.  “Take it how you want it,” she murmurs after a quiet moment.  Then she lets her eyes close, tips her head back just the slightest.

Kimberly’s kind of lost for a second—she doesn’t mean to get distracted by Trini’s insane lashes or the smooth edge of her cheekbones or by how soft she looks or by the thought of how her skin would feel beneath Kimberly’s lips and the pads of her fingers.  But then she blinks fast in the harsh fluorescent lights because Trini’s just knocked Kimberly’s shin with the toe of her sneaker and has her head cocked to the side, eyes open again as she studies her.

“Space case much, princesa?” Trini teases when she catches Kimberly’s eye, her brow lifting.  It must pull at something, because her smirk is dropped in a flash, pain flickering in her eyes before she carefully hides it away again.

Kimberly frowns.  “Sorry,” she mutters, starting to wipe at the blood on Trini’s chin.  “Just wondering how someone so small could bleed so much.”  

She’s aiming for a joke, but it falls flat—partly, she’s sure, because Trini’s feeling like shit right now, but also partly because all Kimberly really wants right now is to somehow ensure that Trini never, ever feels like shit again.  And she’s—well.  She has no fucking clue what to do with that thought.

Trini doesn’t respond, just lets her eyes close again.  She winces when Kimberly nears her lip so Kimberly works faster, tries to minimize the irritation.  She tackles the blood at Trini’s hairline next, startling when she discovers a gash hiding among her dark roots.

“Jesus,” she hisses, pausing because she doesn’t trust herself to be gentle in the moment.  “Trini.”

“Hm?”  The smaller girl blinks up at her slowly.

“I—,” Kimberly starts, stops.  Exchanges the dirty towel for a clean one before she starts again.  “Who did this?”

“Kimberly—.”

“Because I just need to have a chat with them, you know?”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, you can, but you don’t.”  Trini glares at her then, but it’s true.  Trini takes hits she can dodge if she wanted to, stays quiet when shit like this happens; Trini is fully capable of taking care of herself, Kimberly knows.  But Kimberly also knows that Trini doesn’t think she’s worth the effort.

Which—maybe that’s what’s making Kimberly so angry?  The idea that the girl in front of her sees some warped version of herself in the mirror, some version that doesn’t deserve basic respect.  Because fuck that, honestly.  This is—

fuck, this is the girl that sits up with Jason when he’s having a panic attack and doesn’t want to let anyone know, the girl that spends nights over at Zack’s when the fear of waking up alone overwhelms him, the girl that is the only one out of them that can keep up with Billy when he starts getting into specifics on his newest project.  The girl that, after a handful of days of knowing her, ripped off Kimberly’s defaced locker door and landed herself in detention for it.

Jesus, Kimberly can hardly breathe from the thought of it, from the idea that Trini doesn’t see what the rest of them see.  That she doesn’t know that they’re all just as worried for her, just as protective of her as she is of them.

The air between them is thicker than it was before, heavier in a way that Kimberly can’t figure out how to fix, not now, not with Trini looking at her like this, like she’s tired, like she wants to fight but can’t bring herself to.  And Kimberly—she doesn’t want to drop it—knows she can’t, not really.

But she can bury it for right now.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly.  “That wasn’t fair of me.”

Trini turns her glare down to her hands and Kimberly feels the air go out of her lungs when she sees—no, she fucking feels it.  Feels all the hatred that Trini’s turning inward, feels all the guilt and disgust and doubt and anger.  Kimberly’s never been so equally grateful and horrified by the psychic link that holds them all together, that connects them all to the morphing grid.  Because this—this peek into Trini’s head?  It feels like an invasion of privacy, leaves Kimberly twisted up, twisted around because god, all she wants to do is punch every fucking tooth out of the mouth of whoever did this.

But it’s good to know.  Good to be able to recognize the way ebb and flow of Trini’s self-hatred, good to be able to know how and when to step in.  Like now.

Kimberly steps closer, cups Trini’s chin in her hand and gently urges her to look up, hold Kimberly’s eyes.  “Hey,” she says.  “What I said was uncalled for.”

“It’s not.  You’re right.”

Pursing her lips, Kimberly lets out a little sigh through her nose.  Tries to figure out a neat way to agree with her without feeding into Trini’s cycle.

“Maybe,” she responds finally, gaze falling to the paper towel in her hand and the little drop of water that is snaking its way down her wrist.  “But you didn’t need to hear it right now.”

There’s no response from Trini.  When Kimberly looks up, the other girl’s cheeks are wet.

Kimberly can count on one hand the times she’s seen Trini cry—it’s a grand total of four, not including today, and three occurred during times when they all thought they were about to die.  The fourth was when Kimberly had had the dumb fucking idea to watch The Fox and the Hound, but honestly if Trini hadn’t cried, Kimberly would have been convinced she wasn’t human.

But she’s crying now, in front of Kimberly, and if her appearance was anything to go by, she’d been crying earlier, and Kimberly can’t help but wonder how long this has been going on, how long Trini’s been hiding this from the rest of them.  Is this where she disappears to when she ditches out on math with Jason or history with Zack?  Scrubbing her locker when the halls are empty?  She’d always figured Trini bailed to go and spend time at the quarry or at home, without having to deal with the heavy, burning gaze of her mother, watching every move she made.

“I—,” Trini hiccups, leaning into Kimberly’s touch when she drops the damp towel in favor of brushing the other girl’s hair back out of her eyes.  “I didn’t want anyone to see.”  She sucks in a shuddering breath, forces out the rest of her words slowly, painfully.  “I don’t want it getting back to my parents.”

That—god, that hurts.  Hurts to hear, hurts to see; Trini looks incredibly small sitting up on this counter, even more so than normal, and her fear is a real, tangible thing that fills the space around them and between them with ease.

The rush of protectiveness that surges through Kimberly isn’t entirely new, not towards her fellow rangers, but the acuity of it is.  She wants to place herself directly between Trini and anything that makes her this scared.  She wants to wrap herself around the other girl and keep her warm and safe until she stops shaking like this or—hell—maybe even forever and that thought alone terrifies Kimberly.

She shoves the feeling aside for now—there’s time to unpack that and all that it means later.  Right now, Trini’s still crying, her shoulders hunching as she tries to make herself even smaller, tries to take up even less space and Kimberly’s aching at the sight of it, at Trini—sardonic and kind and stubborn Trini—looking so fucking small.

“Can I—,” Kimberly starts, unsure of how to phrase her question but knowing it has to be asked.  “Is it okay if I hug you?”

Trini looks up at her, her dark eyes wet and wide and then she’s leaning forward and wrapping her arms around Kimberly’s waist and sobbing into her neck.  Her fingers twist in the fabric of Kimberly’s shirt, pulling her closer, so Kimberly steps between Trini’s legs and slips her arms over Trini’s shoulders, tucking the smaller girl securely underneath her chin.

She doesn’t say anything deep, anything meant to do more than soothe because—because what could she say?  There’s nothing to make this all better for her, to take away the deep-seated fear that lives in Trini’s bones, born of nearly two decades of her mother’s vitriol and others’ cruelty.  Kimberly can only hold her and—

well.  Now that she thinks about it, there is one other thing she can do.

She fleshes the plan out a bit while Trini cries herself out on Kimberly’s shoulder.  When her sobs give way to sniffles, then a few deep, shaky breaths, Kimberly figures out the right words.  “You deserve so much better than this,” Kimberly tells her, because she feels like it’s something Trini’s not told enough and that’s—it fucking unbelievable, honestly, and it’s a wrong that Kimberly’s setting out to right.  Trini sucks in a breath like she’s about to dispute the statement, so Kimberly doesn’t give her the chance.  “You are a kind, loyal, loving person,” she whispers, “and you shouldn’t ever be made to feel ashamed over who you love.”

Trini manages a gross, mucus-y sort of laugh, her breath hot against the dip just above Kimberly’s collarbone.  “Sorry I cried on you,” she mumbles sheepishly when she pulls away; she doesn’t get far, because Kimberly keeps her arms around her.

“Trini.”

“Your shirt’s kind of gross now.  I got snot all over it."

She really did.  Kimberly can’t be fucked over it.  “Yeah,” she sighs.  “But it’s worth it.”

“Kimberly—.”

“It’s worth it.”  You’re worth it, she wants to say.  More than.

But Trini’s got this look like she might start crying again if Kimberly says something like that and honestly?  Kimberly’s maybe just reassigned making sure Trini never cries to, like, Priority Number One.

She swallows the words that are threatening to choke her now, says instead, “This one’s going to need a stitch, I think.”  She smooths her thumb over the skin just below the cut behind Trini’s hairline, careful not to apply too much pressure.  “I can probably manage it back at the ship,” she adds, even though she knows that by the time they make it to the ship, the gash will be long healed.

“I should change your name in my phone from Fighter Pilot Barbie to Paramedic Barbie at this rate.”

“Jesus,” Kimberly groans.  “Why am I still Fighter Pilot Barbie?”

Trini flashes her a small, lopsided smile.  It doesn’t reach her eyes, but it brightens her face a little and Kimberly watches with something akin to hope flaring in her chest as Trini’s shoulders relax, loosening under Kimberly’s arm.  “Because you didn’t like my other nicknames for you,” she retorts.

The air feels lighter now—Kimberly feels like they’ve slipped out of the darkest timeline, or they almost have, even if Trini’s face is still bruised and Kimberly can’t forget the word written on the girl’s locker down the hall.  Trini’s joking and smiling a little and so Kimberly finishes cleaning her up, moving quickly and distracting her with idle chatter about what she’s missed during the day.

When she’s done, she tucks Trini’s hair behind her ears and steps back to survey her work.  “Well,” she says.  “You still look like Rocky from the final act of Rocky—.”

“I should be so lucky,” Trini deadpans.

“—but you’re as patched up as I can get you at school.”  Kimberly drops her hands, one resting on Trini’s knee and the other trailing down Trini’s arm to lace their fingers together.  In the safety of the bathroom, out of sight, Trini doesn’t shy away from her touch, but rather tightens her hold on Kimberly’s hand and nods.  “Do you want water?” Kimberly offers.  “I think there’s a vending machine around the corner.”

“Water’d be good.”

“I’ll be right back.”  When Trini’s grip steels and her eyes widen, Kimberly tells her, “Lock the door behind me.  No one uses this bathroom, but I’ll knock when I come back, okay?”

When Trini nods and drops Kimberly’s hand, she—quite frankly, Kimberly doesn’t know what comes over her, but then she’s leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Trini’s forehead; it’s light, barely a brush of her lips over Trini’s skin, but it’s new and Kimberly’s close enough to smell Trini’s shampoo and she can’t—god.  She can’t handle this.

As soon as she’s out in the hall and has heard the deadbolt slide home, Kimberly pulls out her phone.

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:57pm found her

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:57pm is she okay??

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:57pm not really

2:57pm like she’s safe and alive

2:57pm but someone wrote on her locker and roughed her up and im going to fucking murder them

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 2:58pm shit can I do anything

2:58pm like does she need anything

2:58pm do you need anything

2:58pm don’t kill anyone Kimberly

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 2:59pm no fucking promises

2:59pm but i do need u to take her to the mine for me.  i wanna get her locker cleaned before class lets out and shes not up to staying thru the day

2:59pm and can u text zack bc she’ll probably want to head to the train car

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 3:01pm done and done.  just left class, I’ll be in the parking lot whenever she’s ready

3:02pm and seriously Kimberly, don’t kill anyone

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 3:02pm [image attached]

From: Fearless Leader To: Kimberly Hart 3:02pm who the fuck

3:02pm let me know if you need help burying them

3:02pm but seriously who the fuck did that

From: Kimberly Hart To: Fearless Leader 3:02pm shes not saying and im not abt to push her rn

Her phone buzzes again, but she doesn’t check it until she’s bought Trini’s drink and started walking back to the bathroom—it’s only Jason again, agreeing with her decision not to push for answers today.  Kimberly knocks three times, a familiar pattern, and slips in when Trini opens the door for her.

“Jason’s going to take you to the mine,” she tells her after cracking open the bottle.  Kimberly hands it over and adds at Trini’s questioning look, “I’ve got a couple things I need to handle before I can leave, but I’ll be there soon.”

“What things do you need to handle?”  Trini narrows her eyes at Kimberly, peering up at her with one hand planted on her hip.  She sips her water with a slightly raised eyebrow when Kimberly hesitates for a beat too long before answering.

“I’m supposed to meet with my history teacher after school today,” Kimberly lies easily.  “I just need to check in with her and let her know I can’t make it.”

If Trini doesn’t believe her, she doesn’t call her on it.  She drops eye contact and starts shrinking the moment they step through the door back into the open hallway.  Kimberly steers Trini away from the stairs by her locker, pulls her towards the elevator by the vending machines instead so she can be sure Trini doesn’t have to see it again.

Jason’s idling in the parking lot as promised, his truck newly declared road safe even though it still bore the physical evidence of his bull escapade.  He leans over to open the passenger door when he spots them, nodding in greeting.

“Zack’s going to meet us there,” he tells the girls.  “And I’m picking up Billy from the field.”  Jason shifts his attention to Kimberly, asking significantly, “When do you think you’ll be done here?”

“Before school lets out.”  She squeezes Trini’s hand as she climbs into her seat.  “Probably in twenty?”

Trini’s withdrawn again, staring blankly ahead even as Jason nods, calls out a goodbye as he pulls away from the curb.  Her eyes flick to Kimberly once as she lets go of Trini’s hand before they’re trained back ahead.

Kimberly stands at the curb until Jason’s truck disappears out onto the main road and makes the turn that takes them away from town and out towards the quarry.

It’s still quiet when she heads back into the school; the halls are still empty when she raids a janitor’s closet and collects cleaning supplies.

/

She stinks of bleach and her fingertips are raw by the end of it, but there’s no trace of the slur anymore and that alone is a triumph.  Kimberly entertains the idea of moving Trini’s stuff into her locker briefly, but Trini’s so careful with her boundaries, draws them out so clearly and Kimberly feels like moving her shit without her express permission probably kicks through every line Trini’s drawn and she refuses to do that.

What she does instead only kicks through a few lines, she thinks.

Really, it’s dumb fucking luck that she quite literally bumps into Amanda and Rebecca—she should have been expecting it, because bad things come in threes and so far, she’s only at two for today.

“Watch where you’re going, bitch,” Amanda hisses when she and Rebecca stumble back.

Kimberly fakes it, taking one large step back and pretending to be unsteady on her feet.  She’s just about to duck her head and slip away quietly, to attempt the path of least resistance, but then Rebecca’s taunting, “How’s your girlfriend, Kimmy?” and everything sort of goes out the window because it’s so obvious and Kimberly can’t believe she didn’t realize it before now.

Kimberly surges forward, hauls them both up by the collars of their shirts and shoves them back against the lockers that line the hallway.  “Fuck with me all you want,” Kimberly snarls.  “I deserve it and I know that.  But leave her out of this.”

“We were only stating the obvious, Kimmy,” Amanda spits back.  “Letting the rest of the student body know that she’s a d—.”

The anger that courses through Kimberly isn’t entirely new, but normally she’s alone when she feels it this intensely.  Normally, it’s self-directed.  Kimberly shifts, presses up with her forearm at the base of Amanda’s neck and growls, “Don’t you fucking dare.”  She presses harder, hears the fabric of Rebecca’s shirt tear in the clenched fist of her other hand as she repeats, “Leave her the fuck out of this.  Got it?”

Amanda’s still glaring at Kimberly, but there’s fear in her eyes too, just enough that Kimberly feels she’s done her job.  There’s no doubt in her mind that she deserves whatever Amanda throws at her—there never was and there never will be, honestly, and Kimberly will take anything and everything that the other girl decides to put her through—but her team is off limits.

Trini is off limits.

She drops the other girls, stands resolute as they glare and stalk away, throwing insults as they go and threatening to go to the principal—they won’t, Kimberly knows, but it’s a good effort on their part.

/

When Kimberly gets to the mine, they’ve already migrated away from Zack’s train car.  She heads to the gorge, throws herself off the cliff face and tries really hard to regret throwing Amanda and Rebecca into the lockers.  Because that’s—that’s fucked up, right?  Not her place?

The cool water does little to help clear her mind, but what she’s greeted with when she finally wanders onto the ship centers her.

She checks every one of their favorite spots to hide out in first—Trini’s, the few Kimberly’s shown her, the ones that everyone on the team knows about, all places somewhat shielded from Alpha-5 and their alien wall dad.  The term was something Zack picked early on and that had stuck, much to Zordon’s chagrin and the rest of the rangers’ unending amusement.

Kimberly finally finds them in the makeshift den, the atrium down in the living quarters that one day Billy had asked if they could build a fort in and they just never took it down afterwards, even going so far as trawling second hand shops to find a battered but incredibly comfortable couch to make the center of their Ranger Roost (again—Zack’s term).

She nearly doesn’t see Trini, she’s so smothered by their boys.  Kimberly only spots her by the little bright spot of yellow that stands out next to the deep red of Jason’s sweater where he’s got her wrapped up in his arms.  Her legs, she realizes, are thrown over Zack’s lap and he’s got one of her hands covered in his own.  Her sneaker clad feet are tucked up on the couch beside her, Billy’s hand resting on her leg, his thumb circling the jutting bone of Trini’s ankle.  He’s the first to notice Kimberly, looking up and greeting her.  “Hi Kimberly,” he says, his free hand raised and his voice splitting perfectly between worry and relief.

“Hey Billy,” she responds, stepping closer.  “How’s our girl?”

“She hasn’t said anything.”  Billy’s thumb doesn’t still on Trini’s ankle, even as he looks between Kimberly and where Kimberly thinks Trini’s face is worriedly.

Kimberly nods, squeezes the couch by Billy’s shoulder and murmurs, “Thanks, B.”

She comes around to the front of the couch, greets Zack by nudging the back of his head.  From this side, she can see more of Trini—just a little, but enough to realize that the other girl is out cold.

“She dozed on the drive,” Jason explains quietly.  “Barely made it in here and then was only up long enough to yell dogpile at us before she knocked out.”

Kimberly bites back a laugh partly because Jason’s got this calm resignation in his voice, like he knows and accepts the fact that he probably won’t be getting up from his seat until Trini’s napped herself out, but also partly due to the fact that Trini voluntarily called a dogpile when normally she rolls her eyes and has to be dragged into it.

Regardless—Zack nods in agreement with Jason.  “Who do we need to bury?” he asks after a beat.

For half a second, Kimberly thinks he’s joking, trying to lighten the mood, but then he turns his face just a fraction more towards her and he’s not smiling, not even a little.  Kimberly should probably be worried, but honestly?  She’s just so damned pleased that she’s got at least one accomplice for when she tries to convince Billy to help her blow up Amanda’s car.

“Who do you think?” Kimberly answers quietly.  They fall silent then; the only sound in the room is their breathing and Trini’s occasional soft snores and each one twists Kimberly’s heart, makes her soften.  “Scoot,” she demands finally, pushing at Zack’s shoulder with gentle insistence.  “I want in on the dog-pile.”

He moves without protest, which surprises her less than it did at the very beginning, when they were all still learning how to handle one another.  Zack’s incredibly caring, Kimberly’s found, particularly when it comes to the tiniest, angstiest ranger and he generally cools it with the jokes when Trini’s well-being is on the table.  He shoves Jason and they shuffle down in tandem, shifting Trini to rest against Kimberly seamlessly when she slips onto the couch to join her friends.

In her sleep, Trini curls into Kimberly, seeking out her warmth—Kimberly’s not surprised by it anymore; they’ve had enough sleepovers at this point that she’s become well-acquainted with the smaller girl’s tendency to wrap herself around whatever proves softest, warmest, and most accepting of her weight.  It left Kimberly flustered and blushing on far too many mornings, but eventually she noticed how much easier Trini seemed to sleep with human contact and learned to compartmentalize for her sake.

Right now, though, Trini’s wounds are healing already and she lets out a little sigh as she settles against Kimberly, her face relaxed and her near constant scowl nonexistent for the moment.  Kimberly wraps her arms around Trini, earning another pleased sigh and causing Kimberly to flush in response.  There’s no immediate shit from Zack over it, but when Kimberly looks up, he’s smirking at her like he knows something; lucky for him, Kimberly’s got a lapful of a napping Trini and can’t quite bring herself to give a shit about whatever Zack may or may not know.

Jason falls asleep next, his head falling back at such an awkward angle Kimberly’s sure he’ll wake with a crick in his neck.  Billy follows him shortly, but not before snagging one of the pillows off the floor and propping Jason’s head up on it.

For a while, it’s just Zack and Kimberly still awake; Kimberly’s playing with Trini’s hair when Zack asks seriously, “So what do you want to do about them?”

It’s no mystery who he’s talking about.  Kimberly takes a moment, a breath, before she answers.  “Dunno,” she says honestly.  “I mean, I know I want to take a baseball bat to Amanda’s BMW, but I’ll just follow her lead on it.”  She dips her chin towards Trini, who’s started snoring lightly, her exhales coming in warms puffs of air against Kimberly’s collarbone.  “However she wants to handle it, you know?”

Zack levels her with a look that tells Kimberly exactly how much he’s buying her answer, but nods just the same.  After a minute, he says, “Didn’t peg you for property damage, princess.”

Kimberly chucks the nearest object she can lay a hand on—in this case, Jason’s phone—and grins as Zack easily dodges it.  “Hey,” she warns lightly.  “Only one ranger gets to call me that.”

“You’re so whipped,” Zack laughs.  He laughs even harder when Kimberly blushes; she knows she deserves that quip, knows she brought it on herself, but it still makes her defensive, just a little.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am—.”

Trini shifts in Kimberly’s lap, twisting her fingers into the hem of the other girl’s shirt as she grumbles, “You’re both stupid.  Let me sleep.”

Zack shoots Kimberly a shit eating grin when she immediately snaps her mouth shut, her hands busying themselves with Trini’s hair again.  Shut up, she mouths at him.

Go to sleep, he throws back.

Whatever.  Kimberly’s not whipped just because she does actually settle down, leaning back against the arm of the couch and bringing Trini with her, head on her chest.

She closes her eyes to avoid Zack’s raised eyebrows.

/ /

“Hey,” Kimberly greets the next day, swinging up and through Trini’s window in the early morning light.  “I have a proposition for you.”

Trini snorts and throws Kimberly a surprised smile, one that makes her throat tighten, her heart turn with how bright it is.  “Kimberly Hart,” she gasps, “are you literally propositioning me?"

Rolling her eyes, Kimberly rights herself and straightens.  “I am, I guess,” she says.  “I think you should move into my locker.”

“Little early for that, hm?”

Kimberly pretends to not notice the way Trini’s voice cracks; she also pretends not to notice the little flare of warmth, of hope that takes hold in her chest when she considers what the break in the other girl’s voice might mean.  Instead, she nods.  “Maybe,” she agrees, “but how many times have you had days like yesterday?”

For a second, she thinks she’s finally said the wrong thing, finally gotten Trini to shut down, shut her out completely, because Trini’s expression flattens, goes dead in the blink of an eye.  She doesn’t still, though, just ducks Kimberly’s gaze as she keeps shoving things into her bag for detention.

“Trini,” Kimberly presses, desperate for some sign that she hasn’t just fucked whatever their relationship is to high hell.

“Doesn’t matter,” she says in a tight voice.  “It’s not your problem.”  She reaches for the beanie on the corner of her bed and Kimberly, knowing it’s the only chance to get a real answer, steps between to block her.

Trini looks up finally.  Her eyes are still a little puffy, still a little red; with ranger healing, her bruises and cuts have faded and her eyes should be back to normal by now, which only confirms what Kimberly worried about through the night—that after they all went home last night (or, more aptly: after Alpha-5 and Zordon forced them all to go home), Trini spent the night crying.

“Just drop it, okay?”

Trini’s voice breaks a little on the request and she’s watching Kimberly with narrowed eyes, like she doesn’t half-trust her to be in her space right now and that sort of breaks Kimberly into a million pieces.  That Trini still expects that her lot in life is to suffer alone, to deny any care before it can be denied to her has Kimberly wanting to hurt any and every person that has ever hurt the girl in front of her; she wants to track them down and demand why they would hurt a person so kind, so intensely caring.

Kimberly won’t drop it—can’t drop it, because Trini has always deserved more than this and to think that she doesn’t know that is almost too much for Kimberly to handle.  She softens a little more, reaches back to grab the beanie and hand it over to Trini before she perches on the edge of the other girl’s bed.  “Hey,” she says softly as Trini shoves the beanie over her hair.  “I’m sorry I upset you, I didn’t—I should have phrased that better.”

“You don’t have to treat me like I’m made of glass,” Trini snaps.  “I’m not going to break.”  And at least—at least this is familiar?  Kimberly’s used to this, used to Trini trying to provoke a response that she feels better suited to handle—annoyance or anger or teasing, anything other than heartfelt care.

“I know,” Kimberly says simply.  She lets the statement rest between them for a moment.  Then, she begins again.  “But I also know that you shouldn’t have to deal with this at all, Trini,” she sighs, “and you really shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.  I just want to be here for you.”

Trini’s scowl had been softening a little with each passing moment, and, with Kimberly’s last declaration, it disappears entirely, replaced with a carefully constructed neutral expression instead.  “You’re really willing to risk shit like this happening at your locker again?” Trini asks flatly, as if expecting Kimberly to rethink her offer suddenly.

It’s as good as an agreement though, and Kimberly nods quickly.  “Of course,” she hums.  “I thought I made it pretty clear that you’re more than worth it.”

The statement slips out without her meaning it to, but then it’s there, settling between them and for a split second, Kimberly’s sure Trini’s about to cry again—her eyes start shining and her jaw tightens and guilt sits heavy in Kimberly’s chest.  But then her expression clears, her mouth twisting into a smirk that seems to brighten the whole damn room even as her eyes still shine.

“Sap,” Trini accuses lightly.  “But yeah, whatever, if you’re so desperate to deal with me twenty-four seven, I’ll move into your locker.”  She moves to shoulder past Kimberly, head for the window and Kimberly can’t explain this either, can’t reason why her hand whips out to grab Trini around her wrist and pull her back, into a hug.

“Sorry,” Kimberly mutters into Trini’s hair.

She can practically feel Trini roll her eyes, but she doesn’t pull away; in fact, she leans into Kimberly a little more, brings her arms around her waist.  “If you ever tell anyone about this,” Trini grumbles into Kimberly’s neck, “I’m going to throw you into a wall or something.”

“No, you won’t.”

“No, I won’t.”  The shorter girl lets out a little sigh then, her breath warm against Kimberly’s collarbone.  “But seriously.  Zack’s gonna give me shit if he knows I went down without a fight.”

“You know he won’t,” Kimberly hums.  “Not about this anyway.”

Trini huffs out something that sounds an awful lot like an agreement and pulls away slowly, like it pains her.  “You’re sparring with him today if he does, though,” she tells her.

“I thought we could spar together,” Kimberly says quietly, biting back a smile at the way Trini’s cheeks redden.

“You—uh,” she stammers.  “You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to get hurt and you know you’ll pull your punches.”

“Not at all.  I’m gonna kick your ass, like always.”

Trini narrows her eyes, her mouth twisting up into a smirk even as her blush deepens.  “You’re so full of shit,” she says, the tips of her ears turning red.  “And we’re going to be late if you keep making me all sappy and whatever.”

“When have you ever been on time to detention?”

“Well, princesa,” Trini drawls.  “I’m there temporarily, so my tardiness doesn’t really matter, but I’m guessing you’re also here to insist on driving me?  And your tardiness does matter.  Therefore, we’re going to be on time today.”

“You’re so bossy,” Kimberly whines, pulling a face and biting back laughter as Trini shoves her towards the window.  There’s some grumbling behind her as Kimberly launches herself out the window, catching herself on the sill and twisting to grin at the other girl.  Trini’s still red-faced and Kimberly can’t help but add with a wink, “I think I like it.”

She drops her hold on Trini’s windowsill and falls to the ground with grace, landing lightly on the still dew covered grass, but not before she hears a strangled squeak of a response above her.

[brialavellan]

tw for long post, all kinds of abuse, ableism

saarebitch replied to your post

“D0 N0T REB!0G this or I will block you so fucking fast. Warning for...”

Cutting someone off is always difficult, but I cant even imagine how hard this is for you. Youre very brave. All my love and support <3

Yallah, thank you for this. It is very hard. I try not to dwell and people keep telling me to just leave it alone but I have slept on it and thought about it over and over and I don’t even want an apology, or contact. No response would be IDEAL.

I just want her to know that both of her daughters have disowned her (my sister did it way before me, and blocked her number) and we will never speak to her again because of her selfishness. 

I just need to be heard one last time.

And I did wait to do this until my insurance ran out at 26 so I could take advantage of her paying for my Tricare but ya know what? I have no regrets. She tried to coerce me into paying for it myself when the cost of Tricare Prime YA is over 300 a month. Which is fucking hilarious because I was unemployed b/c of poor mental health and homeless for almost a whole year, and only make 1300 a month (which is kinda-shit pay for the DC Metro Area - x), and she makes close to 200K a year - MINUS all the military benefits she gets for being a Butter Bar Bitch, and minus ALL the tax cuts she got for fostering (and later) adopting me.

She brought it up way too early when living with her for only 6 months for the money. She got a 17K REFUND as opposed to having to pay taxes. 

As far as I’m concerned, I’m just getting the money back that I was supposed to receive. That was all I asked her to pay for. I never asked for a single cent towards anything else.

sirconnie

replied to your post

“D0 N0T REB!0G this or I will block you so fucking fast. Warning for...”

as someone with a biological mom who'll likely be getting a very similar text at some point in the future i can say that this is probably not rude enough. it's good though very civil without coddling. u said ur piece and she can take it however she's going to. sorry you have to deal w/ this

Oh yeah, I was WAY too nice. I didn’t even touch on:

1. Restricting my food intake (not like that’s not triggering as fuck for a kid with a history of being starved b/c poverty and as punishment for being “fat” all my life)

2. Triggering me by screaming at me and following me around and cornering me in rooms when she knows I have PTSD related to that. One time, it was so bad that I literally started banging my head against the wall and screaming so loudly that I lost my voice completely for three days. And she called it a “temper tantrum”.

3. Picking fights over the slightest shit and grinding me down even when I acquiesce, including gaslighting me on the regular.

4. Berating me in public to the point of tears. Especially related to eating the “wrong” food. Or my posture. We literally had a huge fight over resting my elbows and boobs on the table when I have double GG tits and a short torso. No choice when the table comes up to my boobs and I have a deformed back from said boobs.

5. Minimizing my illnesses - Accusing me of “selective hearing” (even when I tested positive for Auditory Processing Disorder) and saying I wasn’t trying hard enough re: getting better from my mental illness. Forced me to go to school full-time or part-time and work as well or she’d kick me out when I was in no way well enough to do anything except maybe one or two classes at best and was attending hospital day programs almost all the time and being hospitalized every 6 months like clockwork. Whenever I was angry or upset with her, her first response was “have you taken your medication recently?”

5. Financial abuse - Forcing me to work jobs I wasn’t mentally well enough to work to pay her back any money she spent on me - including food, clothes and toiletries - with 10 percent interest if I missed a payment. In a way, I self-financed my entire associate’s degree; I just owned her money instead of a loan servicer or the college b/c of her. Also ironically forbade me from getting a job while I was going to school full-time but also refused to pay for any essentials and refusing to allow me to take out ANY loans. 

She told me if I ever left her house that I’d fail, and ya know what, that’s not true. I DID get academically dismissed from UMD because of mental health and yea, it’s hard making ends meet. But I have my own apartment. I make decent money for what I do (still shit but it’s better than my old job) and I love doing it, and college is still an option in the future. And I make the same or more than a lot of my friends without a huge mountain of school debt hanging over my head rn so....fuck her. Success is the best revenge.