#but when I was like 11-13 my migraines where ruining my life

[starlingstalk]

If headaches and ESPECIALLY migraines where a person I‘d be in prison for murder

[marvelousell]

Marvelousell’s Masterlist

Hello everyone, so I finally made a masterlist where you can find all my work! I hope you all enjoy reading the fics as much as I enjoyed writing them! ❤️

Add yourself to my tag list

A kofi please? :)

Key:

💦 = smut

⚡️ = angst

🌸 = fluff

✨ = personal favourite

🌪 = s+a+f

If there’s a ** next to a work it means that the writing is about the actor’s character that they’ve played (e.g Peter Parker)

Updated 07/19/20

One-shots

Please, love 💦 ⚡️

↳ Summary: The reader is not ready for her first time with Tom, but they still have some fun together

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

Hold me ⚡️🌸

↳ Summary: The reader has a physical abusement past that Tom doesn’t know about. During a heated argument with Tom you can’t help but remember every bad moment from the past

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

Kiss it better 🌪

↳ Summary: After a long and stressful day at work, Tom let his anger out on you during sex. Tom feels sorry after it, showing you how much he cares

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

Dear princess 🌸 **

↳ Summary: Peter dating an Asgardian princess, sister of Thor and Loki

↳ Pairing: Peter Parker x Odinson!sister

Long days 💦

↳ Summary: Lockdown can be pretty boring, but your roommate Tom can make everything more enjoyable

↳ Pairing: Roommate!Tom x Female reader

Help me out 💦 🌸 ✨

↳ Summary: Mob!Tom shows you who you belong to after putting a show for him with a not so typical interrogation

↳ Pairings: Mob!Tom x Mob!reader, Mob!Seb x Mob!reader

Coconut & Vanilla evenings 💦 🌸

↳ Summary: An evening massage session with Tom leads to slow and sensual sex

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

New girl ⚡️ 🌸

↳ Summary: CEO!Tom defends the new intern that caught his eye in his company

↳ Pairing: CEO!Tom x Intern!reader

Blurbs

Birthday vacay 💦

↳ Summary: Tom surprises you with a vacation for your birthday to Guadeloupe and you show him how thankful you really are

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

Scotch & Mint 💦

↳ Summary: CEO!Tom finally makes a move on his favourite coworker showing her how insane she makes him feel

↳ Pairing: CEO!Tom x Female reader

Bubble bath & kisses 🌸

↳ Summary: After an exhausting day Tom comes home to you that can only make him feel relaxed, the bubble bath was just a bonus

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

My little Spanish girl 💦 **

↳ Summary: Peter loves to hear you speak Spanish during sex

↳ Pairing: Peter Parker x Spanish!reader

Can we? Pt 2. ⚡️

↳ Summary: After sharing the news with your boyfriend, both of you are in a situation where you need to figure out what you want and need in your life

↳ Pairing: Tom x Pregnant!reader

Headcanons

Let me see them 💦

↳ Summary: Tom reacting to your surprise aka your new nipple piercings

↳ Pairing: Tom x Female reader

Series

The Agreement 🌪 [ongoing]

Pt 1. // Pt 2. // Pt 3. // Pt 4. // Pt 5. // Pt 6. // Pt 7. // Pt 8. // Pt 9. // Pt 10. // Pt 11. // Pt 12. // Pt 13. // Pt 14. // Pt 15.

↳ Summary: Tom is a typical frat boy, his love for partying, drinks and girls are bigger than his ego. Y/N is a whole different dimension, she keeps her circle small, and even though she knows her best friend Tom is a total douche, she can’t say no to the little deal that was sealed between the two of them

↳ Pairings: Frat Boy!Fwb!Tom x Female reader, Frat Boy!Harrison x Female reader

One-shots

Surprises 💦

↳ Summary: The sexy photoshoot of yours that was a surprise for Sebastian caught the attention of his colleagues, making Sebastian jealous

↳ Pairing: Sebastian x Model!reader

Help me out 💦 🌸 ✨

↳ Summary: Mob!Tom shows you who you belong to after putting a show for him with a not so typical interrogation

↳ Pairings: Mob!Tom x Mob!reader, Mob!Seb x Mob!reader

Solutions 💦

↳ Summary: After you couldn’t find the book you needed for your assignment your Literature Professor helps you out with it and with something more

↳ Pairing: Professor!Seb x Student!reader

Blurbs

Tell me about your day 💦 🌸 ✨

↳ Summary: Cockwarming with Sebastian after a long day at work

↳ Pairing: Mob!Seb x Female reader

Be a good doll 💦

↳ Summary: Jealous Sebastian and spanking

↳ Pairing: Sebastian x Female reader

Headcanons

Curiosity killed the cat 💦

↳ Summary: Jealous sex with Mob!Seb

↳ Pairing: Mob!Seb x Female Reader

One-shots

Green with envy 💦 ✨

↳ Summary: Being close to both Henry and Chris, your co-stars was amazing. After a hot make out scene for the movie with Henry, Chris finally shows you who you belong to revealing his feelings

↳ Pairings: Chris x Female reader, Henry x Female reader

Bippity, boppity, baby 🌸

↳ Summary: You and Dodger made a surprise for your husband Chris to announce your pregnancy to him

↳ Pairing: Chris x Pregnant!reader

Keep it in your mind 💦

↳ Summary: Chris gets jealous when a co-star flirts with you during an award show

↳ Pairings: Chris x Female reader, Henry x Female reader

Show me 💦 **

↳ Summary: After a long day at work Andy just wants you to relax starting with a drink at his house

↳ Pairing: Andy Barber x Female reader

Lemonade 💦 **

↳ Summary: A marriage that is full of lies and infidelity makes you realize how Andy is the one you need [Based on the song Lemonade by Nicole Dollanganger]

↳ Pairing: Andy Barber x Wife!reader

You only 💦**

↳ Summary: Two different sides that Steve owns with his girl

↳ Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female reader

Headcanons

Stuck inside 🌸 💦

↳ Summary: You, Chris, Dodger and Scott stuck inside the house during quarantine

↳ Pairing: Chris x Female Reader

Blurbs

Be mine 💦 **

↳ Summary: Andy showing his girl how much he really likes her and how much he wants her to be only his [Based on the song Dirty Mind by Boy Epic]

↳ Pairing: Andy Barber x Bartender!reader

Rendezvous 💦✨ **

↳ Summary: Soft touches, intimate moments and secret Rendezvous with Andy Barber [Based on the song Rendezvous by Miss Benny]

↳ Pairing: Andy Barber x Female reader

I’m your Doll 💦 **

↳ Summary: CEO!Andy showing his favourite bartender how much he enjoys her company [Based on the song I’m Your Doll by FKA twings]

↳ Pairing: CEO!Andy x Bartender!reader

Safe place 🌸 **

↳ Summary: Steve and the reader taking care of each other

↳ Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female reader

One-shots

Green with envy 💦 ✨

↳ Summary: Being close to both Henry and Chris, your co-stars was amazing. After a hot make out scene for the movie with Henry, Chris finally shows you who you belong to revealing his feelings

↳ Pairings: Chris x Female reader, Henry x Female reader

Keep it in your mind 💦

↳ Summary: Chris gets jealous when a co-star flirts with you during an award show

↳ Pairings: Chris x Female reader, Henry x Female reader

One-shots

All in one night 🌸 ✨

↳ Summary: After years of dating, Tom wanted you to be his lovely wife and to start a family with you. Little did he know that both will come true just in one night

↳ Pairing: Tom x Pregnant!reader

Just the three of us 🌸

↳ Summary: Tom showing you how much he loves you and the baby growing inside of you, even if it wasn’t planned

↳ Pairing: Tom x Pregnant!reader

Blurbs

Family portrait 🌸

↳ Summary: Dad!Tom being proud of his daughters first drawing

↳ Pairing: Dad!Tom x Daughter, Tom x Female reader

One-shots

My dearest ⚡️

↳ Summary: Harrison realises how his past actions were wrong after seeing you in a wedding dress

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Female reader

Headcanons

Social distancing 🌸 💦

↳ Summary: How you and Harrison spend time in his apartment during quarantine

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Female reader

Crushes 💦

↳ Summary: Harrison gets jealous because of your little crush on Harry Styles

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Female reader, Harry Styles x Female reader

Anniversary troubles 💦

↳ Summary: Troubles that both you and Harrison face during your 3 years anniversary in the house you share with the boys

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Female reader

With you 🌸💦

↳ Summary: Harrison and the reader trying for a baby

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Wife!reader

Series

The Agreement 🌪 [ongoing]

Pt 1. // Pt 2. // Pt 3. // Pt 4. // Pt 5. // Pt 6. // Pt 7. // Pt 8. // Pt 9. // Pt 10. // Pt 11. // Pt 12. // Pt 13. // Pt 14. // Pt 15.

↳ Summary: Tom is a typical frat boy, his love for partying, drinks and girls are bigger than his ego. Y/N is a whole different dimension, she keeps her circle small, and even though she knows her best friend Tom is a total douche, she can’t say no to the little deal that was sealed between the two of them

↳ Pairings: Frat Boy!Fwb!Tom x Female reader, Frat Boy!Harrison x Female reader

Headcanons

Lazy days 💦 🌸

↳ Summary: How you and Calum spend your free day inside

↳ Pairing: Calum x Female reader

Blurbs

Sweet mornings 💦

↳ Summary: Lazy morning sex with Calum

↳ Pairing: Calum x Female reader

Blurbs

I’m here 🌸

↳ Summary: Grayson takes care of you when a bad migraine ruins your day

↳ Pairing: Grayson x Female reader

Always by your side 🌸

↳ Summary: How Grayson helps you to calm your anxiety

↳ Pairing: Grayson x Female reader

Headcanons

Crushes 💦

↳ Summary: Harrison gets jealous because of your little crush on Harry Styles

↳ Pairing: Harrison x Female reader, Harry Styles x Female reader

[palettes-and-prompts]

100 Dialogue Prompts for Mob Boss AUs

1)"Be a shame if something were to happen to that pretty face of yours." 2)"The next person who doesn't follow orders gets their kneecaps blown off." 3)"Be a good girl/boy and do what Mommy/Daddy tells you." 4)"Kisses taste different with blood in your mouth." 5)"Say that name again in front of me and I swear to god I'll knock your teeth down your fucking throat." 6)"Get your fucking hands off me!" 7)"Finish that sentence, see what happens." 8)"If you want to last a day here I suggest you keep your mouth shut." 9)"If you're going to bitch and complain then don't bother coming." 10)"So, let's talk business." 11)"I need a new pair of shoes, these have blood on them, they simply wont do." 12)"Tape their mouth shut, I'm tired of listening to them." 13)"Tell me, if you had to lose a leg or an arm, which one would you choose?" 14)"Don't worry about a thing, baby, I'm going to take care of it." 15)"I want you to know that you can scream if you need to, you can even cry, but just know that the more you do the more I enjoy it." 16)"Hey, I need you to safely remove this knife from my body." 17)"You're not afraid of the dark are you, sweetheart?" 18)"Now this is going to hurt." 19)"I'm not calling an ambulance, are you fucking insane? Those things are expensive, plus they call the police if you have a bullet wound. Rip that metal out and slap a band-aid on me. Let's go!" 20)"The only time a man should be fast is when he's trying to dodge my bullets." 21)"Dig the bullet out and if I scream don't stop, okay? Just make sure you get it all out." 22)"Somebody get me some alcohol." 23)"You know, the last person who talked to me like that ended up at the bottom of the river." 24)"No don't shoot the fucking dog! We're murderers, not monsters!” 25)"We leave tonight." 26)"We need to dye our hair and get the fuck out of here." 27)"We're enemies! That means you don't get to kiss me like that." 28)"If you put your tongue down my throat ever again I'll bite it off." 29)"Let's play a game." 30)"We're going to need backup." 31)"Take off that stupid disguise." 32)"I'm sure I don't need to remind you what will happen if you don't get the job done." 33)"The next time you put your hand on something that doesn't belong to you I'll put a bullet between those pretty eyes." 34)"Most people are attracted to men or women, me? I prefer a sick pair of brass knuckles." 35)"Here's how this is going to go. I'm going to ask you a question and if you tell me the truth then I'll ask you another question. But if you lie I'll start cutting off fingers." 36)"Beg for your life." 37)"Whoever finds them first gets to kill them." 38)"If you don't cooperate I'm gonna have to break another finger." 39)"You look kind of cute with a gun in your mouth." 40)"I don't like smartasses." 41)"Your job is to seduce them, get close to them, and when you're close I want you to kill them. You can do that can't you?" 42)"I'm gonna ask you again, where's my money?" 43)"You ever been buried alive?" 44)"If you want them to live then play with me. You know how to play Russian roulette don't you?" 45)"Don't scream, just come with me." 46)"I don't see why you'd rather work with them, they don’t take you seriously." 47)"The water is pretty cold here. You might want to hold your breath." 48)"You took everything from me, now it's time for me to do the same." 49)"Don't worry, when I'm finished carving you up you wont forget what you are." 50)"I'm counting on you baby." 51)"Are you going to cry?" 52)"Out of curiosity, if you had to kill one friend to save the others, who would you pick?" 53)"You and I have had our differences, but you have to admit we make a great team." 54)"No one's coming to help you." 55)"Do I look like I'm joking to you?" 56)"Finish the job!" 57)"Remember, you're only there to kill one person, don't go overboard." 58)"Your mother/father left you a kingdom, now it's time to put on the crown and rule." 59)"Out of everyone in the world who could betray me I never thought it'd be you." 60)"If you don't leave I'm going to shoot you and it would give me a migraine if I ruined my brand new carpet." 61)"The only reason I'm letting you live if because I owe your friend a favor." 62)"We're not friends. I don't have friends." 63)"I'm not doing this for you." 64)"Now, do you remember what I taught you?" "Start by breaking fingers so they don't pass out as quickly?" "That's my girl/boy!" 65)"I'll always save you." 66)"When I die, everything goes to you." 67)"I trust you." 68)"If I find out you're lying to me it's over." 69)"Don't panic, everything's going to be okay." 70)"I don't think I've ever seen you smile before." 71)"No one can ever know about us, okay? If anyone finds out they'll try and hurt you." 72)"Don't let me down." 73)"If they catch on they're going to kill us." 74)"I'd give up everything to be with you." 75)"I wont ever forgive you for what you've done." 76)"If you ever show your face in my town again I'll kill you myself." 77)"New job, the first person to bring them to me gets the crown when I'm dead." 78)"You can always come to us. We're family, we take care of each other." 79)"You're safe with me. I'm never going to let anyone hurt you." 80)"Run away with me, we can leave our gangs, go far away where no one knows us. We can start over." 81)"Go out there and, no matter how much you don't want to, smile like you’re having the time of your life." 82)"It's all a show, baby, and you're the star. So go take them for all they're worth." 83)"You were pretty good out there, guess maybe there's more to you than just a pretty face." 84)"Is that a bruise? Who put their hands on you?" 85)"You? You're alive..." 86)"Go out there and look pretty while I take care of things here." 87)"I knew you'd never betray me like that." 88)"Don't look at your cards when you get them. Keep your eyes on the other players, the eyes'll tell you everything you need to know." 89)"You stay with my driver at all times, don't go with anyone even if they say they have me. You stay with them." 90)"Tie them to the chair, we'll get the truth out of them one way or another." 91)"I don't like guns." 92)"If I killed you no one would ever know." 93)"You're not ready for your first assignment." 94)"Someone had better be dying if you're calling me this late." 95)"Knives are so much quieter." 96)"How are you going to kill anyone if you can't even hold a gun without shaking?" 97)"I'll make a few calls, clean this mess up, I want this place spotless." 98)"I can't believe they're gone." 99)"You think prison is the worst place you could go? You pull some shit like that again and I'll have you thrown in places that'll make prison seem like a wet fucking dream." 100)"They killed one of our own, so let's go take them for everything they've got."

[sondepoch]

II: Neutral Route (Saeran)

Where Futures Begin

Life used to be simple for you. Peaceful. But the Savior had other plans for you, and in moments, she ruined what you thought was your one shot at happiness. Blinded by anger, you escaped the Mint Eye, but that triggered a series of events that would bring you further into the world of brothers Saeran and Saeyoung. And further into the twisted world of your love for them.

Neutral Route: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ✔

Saeyoung’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | ✔

Saeran’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | ✔

MASTERLIST 

Mendelssohn's violin concerto in E minor, easily among the most beautiful violin concertos of all time, lasts nearly thirty minutes. Yet this is the fourth time it's restarted today, and Saeran and (Y/N) still haven't stopped dancing.

Their feet move slowly, waltzing at half the tempo of the piece, less focused on dancing and more occupied with basking in each others' warmth, staying as close together as possible.

The Recruitment Ceremony concluded a little over two hours ago, and all the new believers were celebrating their faith and loyalty to the Savior by indulging in their first taste of happiness at the Mint Eye, at this feast.

For Saeran, though, food was the last thing on his mind.

The dress the Savior gave (Y/N) fit perfectly, hugging her curves in a way that Saeran thought made her too gorgeous to risk leaving for the whole ballroom to see. He had never glared at anyone the way he stared daggers at the new believers that were ogling (Y/N)'s body shamelessly.

Saeran made a mental note to ask the Savior to give (Y/N) more modest dresses. He slipped an arm around her waist and tried to subtly pull the dress down, quickly bringing his hand back to its original position afterward. Her amused giggle made him realize that she had indeed noticed.

"Oh, Saeran~" (Y/N) cooed, dragging his name out in the same way that always tangled his thoughts, "Do you not like this dress?"

"O-of course not. I mean. Of course. Wait..." Saeran stuttered, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before continuing, "It's a nice dress. Especially on you. B-but it's really short... have you noticed how the new believers are staring at you?"

Saeran heard (Y/N) laugh again, and he wanted to bury his face in her hair and hide the blush that he knew was spreading across his face. Her hair...her beautiful, beautiful hair...Why did I have to style it like this today? I should have done something simpler, something that would draw less attention, I could have avoided this!

"Saeran, the dress is barely above my knees. And you have nothing to worry about." (Y/N) brought her hand from his shoulder to his cheek and stared at him with those familiar, trusting eyes. "None of them would dare lay a hand on me after this."

"This?" Saeran cocked his head, puzzled.

"Saeran, we've danced for nearly two hours, and if looks could kill, every man in this room who even glanced my way would be dead. You've made it very clear that I'm off-limits." (Y/N) kissed Saeran's cheek, and he could hear the smirk in her voice.

"I-I didn't mean to..." Saeran murmured half-heartedly, even though he knew exactly what he was doing when he first dragged (Y/N) onto the ballroom dancing floor. And he may or may not have given the middle finger to a particular believer who had been staring at her rear.

"Sure," (Y/N) said with a chuckle, before abruptly stopping and clasping Saeran's two hands in her own. "Anyway, let's get food. I haven't eaten since breakfast, I'm starving."

"Alright, princess, you pick a table, and I'll bring enough food for both of us."

"I can get my own food, Saeran!" (Y/N) whined as Saeran guided her off the wooden floor and toward the buffet, but Saeran was bent on being a gentleman. The way the men were staring at her figure, he'd much rather have her bottom in a chair than up and about.

"Technically speaking, I'm your boss now. You're no longer a disciple, so you'll be helping me out with perimeter management and software protection in the Security Room. That means you have to do what I say, princess, so go get us a table."

Without giving (Y/N) any room to protest, Saeran made a beeline for the buffet. He filled two plates with all his beloved sweets and all (Y/N)'s favorite dishes. Only when he actually got to the table (Y/N) had selected did Saeran realize that he had only gotten dessert items.

(Y/N) didn't seem to notice, though, immediately indulging in the array of treats Saeran had brought back.

The two ate in silence, enjoying the now familiar melody of the music that was being played in the background. Saeran found himself unable to draw his eyes away from (Y/N) as she ate; everything about her looked perfect. Even her hair, which Saeran always thought looked a little off when he tried a sophisticated hairstyle like this one, had held its shape throughout the night. And god, the dress was still driving him crazy. Had the Savior consciously chosen something that would make him feel this way? The woman had been asking an awful lot of questions about (Y/N) at Saeran's previous meeting with her. Still, Saeran thought that was because they were discussing (Y/N) joining the Savior's council.

Saeran groaned inwardly and forced himself to stop staring at (Y/N)'s bare shoulders and tried to focus on the dessert he was eating, but he quite suddenly found that he had an appetite for a different kind of dessert.

Shit, stop it, Saeran told himself, It's bad enough that you almost kissed her earlier in her room. Now this? You need to control yourself.

"So," (Y/N)'s voice broke Saeran from his thoughts. "The Savior said that I'd have to go through secondary commitment. W...What do you have to do for the secondary commitment?"

Saeran swallowed, keenly aware of what (Y/N) was really asking.

There were two commitments one could make to the magenta: primary and secondary. Primary commitment was the first step believers took in joining the Mint Eye. It was their first test to see if they were truly committed to building and sharing the magenta.

It was quite a simple process, actually.

Drink the Elixir of Salvation.

The pain that accompanied the Elixir alone would typically be enough to distinguish true believers from fakers; in (Y/N)'s case, though, her primary commitment had been extended, and the dosage doubled, the Savior particularly hesitant about accepting her into the Mint Eye.

Saeran had never told (Y/N) that her commitment was any different than the usual, though. He didn't want her to begin harboring any kind of distaste for the Savior that would warrant further Elixirs. After all, Saeran had been by (Y/N)'s side the whole time, dabbing away at her sweat as she slept, helping her drink water in her delirium, holding her hand and never letting go as she sobbed in pain. He never left her side last time, and he'd be there for her this time too.

"Secondary commitment is worse," Saeran said bluntly. He didn't want to continue, he didn't want to talk about it, but the fearful look in (Y/N)'s eyes forced his mouth. "It's a repeat of primary commitment with some...extra things added."

Saeran saw (Y/N) shudder and bite her lip, a habit that only came to light when (Y/N) was scared. "What extra things, Saeran?" Her voice was gentle, despite the fear she must have been harboring at that moment.

"Well...extra time, for one. Secondary commitment takes a-a month." Saeran brought his hand over the table and placed it on top of (Y/N)'s, trying to comfort her in the terror he knew she was facing as she mentally braced herself for the hell that she was to embrace the next day.

Saeran knew what she was going through. When he found out about secondary commitment, he was so scared he actually tried to go back to being a disciple, even though it was out of his hands at that point.

He continued, "You'll be assigned a handler. You can't back out of secondary commitment, so your handler will force the Elixir down your throat if necessary...you'll most likely never be able to forgive your handler for the pain they give you."

"Go on." (Y/N) said after taking a shaky breath.

"Your eyes...you're to be one with the Mint Eye. You'll adorn the namesake, and your eyes will be bleached to this color," Saeran pointed to his own eyes, trying not to recall the pain that accompanied that particular feat. (Y/N)'s eyes grew even rounder in fear as she stared at the unnatural color Saeran's eyes were. No doubt, she had previously thought they were contact lenses.

"Your hair...it isn't magenta, so your handler will bleach your hair and then deprive your body of nutrients for the month. Your body won't be able to keep your hair at its color, it'll be too deprived of the vitamins it needs, so your hair will become a lot thinner, and it'll lose color. It'll feel like the worst migraine you've ever had, but it's not too bad when compared to the other things..."

Saeran didn't want to say more. He understood that (Y/N) needed to know what she was about to go through, but reciting the details of secondary commitment was bringing back some horrid memories for the boy.

"Saeran, please." (Y/N) squeezed Saeran's hand and looked at him with earnest eyes. I'm so weak, Saeran thought to himself, I should be the one comforting (Y/N) right now, but she's the one holding my hand. "I can't walk into the commitment room tomorrow and not know what I'm in for. I almost didn't make it through primary commitment for that very reason."

Saeran dropped his eyes and stared at the untouched flan on his plate. "That's mostly it. You'll be branded with the sigil of the Mint Eye, either burnt or given a tattoo like the one I have. But...(Y/N), there's one thing I haven't told you."

Saeran swallowed nervously, unable to meet the eyes of the precious girl he cared so much for. This time, (Y/N) didn't ask him to continue, but the slight squeeze of his hand gave Saeran enough boldness to tell her the truth.

"I'm to be your handler for secondary commitment," Saeran whispered, "Savior's orders."

Saeran felt warmth leave his hand and looked up to see (Y/N)'s entire form withdrawn in fear. Saeran extended an arm to caress her cheek, but she recoiled at the first contact. "I-I'm sorry," she murmured, standing up, "I-I need some time alone t-to..."

(Y/N) trailed off and forced herself out of the seat, making way for the large double doors at the end of the room.

Saeran didn't let her get that far, though. "(Y/N), wait," He told her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her smaller body into his, him practically spooning her as they stood, "Please." Saeran whispered, and that one word communicated all that needed to be said.

(Y/N) turned around and faced him, and for the first time since her primary commitment, Saeran saw tears in her eyes. "I'm scared, Saeran," (Y/N) whispered, "I don't want to hate you. I don't want to do my secondary commitment. I don't want to be a part of the Savior's council."

Saeran wrapped his arms around (Y/N) and let her tears flow into his shoulder, her tearful face protected from the stares of all the believers in the Mint Eye. "I know, princess." Saeran mumbled, stroking her hair, "I know."

Saeran was about to enter the worst month of his life, he knew. It would be worse than his own secondary commitment. Because this time, he wouldn't be on the receiving end of the pain.

He would be the cause of it.

MASTERLIST

Neutral Route: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ✔

Saeyoung’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | ✔

Saeran’s Route: 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | ✔

Word count: 2.0k

Notes: Happy new year! Well, it's happy for some people. I'm a bit bummed right now  -_- school starts back up in eight hours for me but honestly who even cares about school and sleep when you have Tumblr? Btw: this story will shift from the pov of (Y/N) to Saeran to Saeyoung and even Rika, so make sure you check the chapter title so you know who the chapter will focus on!

Comment & Like

Next Update: 1/06/20

I do not own the rights to Mystic Messenger or any of the characters within it.

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

I haven't seen an ED hc on here yet and I need to project a bit so here's this: at the begging all the queen boys were skinny as hell but as time went on the only one who remained that way was brian. and everyone assumed that it was all natural. what they didn't know was that brian consciously started eating less when he got to the age where people's metabolism usually slows down. he was well aware that his skinniness was part of his trademark look and decided he needed to keep it that way (1/3)

he started cutting down the amount and frequency of his meals but the others never noticed - brian had always been peculiar with food (not eating meat or unhealthy things etc.) so they assumed he ate at home whenever he refused the takeout they had in the studio. in the mid 80s they slowly start noticing that brian’s no longer just skinny, but also sickly looking but still don’t say anything, assuming he might have a stomach bug going on (touring can bring that on quite easily after all) (2/3)

then, a couple of months later, brian passes out in the studio and the boys finally connect the dots. they feel incredibly guilty for not noticing the signs and are determined to help brian recover. (3/3) //if you could please write something where the boys realise all this had been going on without them noticing and then try to figure out how to help brian out of this mess while he refuses to believe that he needs help at all (can be gen or you can add a ship if you’d like)

TW explicit mentions of Eating Disorders, Disordered Eating, Anorexia, Orthorexia, Hospitalization and excessive vulgar language. 

All your letters in the sand cannot heal me like your hand…

For my life still ahead, pity me…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

Again.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

One more time. So you remember how you fucked up.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

24 ribs sticking out from grey ashen skin.

Brian’s bony finger traced over each one as he counted outloud, eyes focused on the full body mirror in front of him.

You remember how handsome you used to be? Remember when theyjutted out like a fucking Greek god? But you ruined it. You ate that chocolatecupcake like the pig you are and now you’re fat again. Fat and disgusting.

“One, two, three, four, five…”

It doesn’t matter if you cry about it. It won’t make you anyskinnier. Put on your running shoes, fat ass.

“Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two…”

RUN!

Brian wiped his face free of the tears, eye’s falling downto his bare feet. Skeletal but most people’s standards but bloated looking tohim. He had blisters on his heels from running a mile every morning, but itdidn’t matter. Pain was beauty, right?

♚

Of all the numbers, zero is the most beautiful. Brianthought that to himself as he ran around his neighborhood, the sun dipping inthe sky, crickets already chirping.

His knees hurt so bad, his chest was on fire and he was surehis blisters had reopened, but he had done this to himself. If he only atethings that were good, he wouldn’t have to run this second mile. If he juststopped inhaling anything that came into sight, he could be home right now,settling into a night’s rest.

But he was out here. In the cold English sunset, wearinglayers of jogging clothes to try and keep warm. He deserved this. Briandeserved this.

The day he hit his goal weight, he’d never have to do thisagain. He’d be doing zero laps.

♚

It was nearly midnight before he tempted to step on thescale.

The bathroom was so dark. Only trickles of moonlight pouredin from the window. He refused to turn on the lights since he weighed himselfnaked. Having to see his bare body was revolting. There was so much wrong withit. His legs were too chubby. His stomach so round. His cheeks akin to a hamster.It was better in the dark.

The cold metal of the scale sent a shiver up his body as hestepped onto it. He had to squint to see the number, but he was sure it hadgone up since this morning. That fucking cupcake.

8 stone.

Tears pricked his eyes. The number had gone down. Why was hestill so big?

So big.

Who could like someone so grotesque as him? With so muchskin? With so much fat?

Brian hugged himself, elbows tucking into his concavestomach.

He was disgusting.

♚

“You’re drinking your coffee black, Bri?” Roger asked, nosescrunched up as he peered into Brian’s coffee mug. Brian pulled the mug closerto him defensively but smiled and lolled his head as if nothing was wrong.

“You know I don’t drink milk, mate,” Brian said, taking asip of the acrid brew, forcing his brow to stay unfurrowed.

“Since when? Thought you were vegetarian, not one of thoseweird animal hippies,” Roger said eyes narrowed.

“Well, I’ve decided through research that the milk industryexploits cows. Did you know that mother cows and their c-“

“Yeah, yeah, alright. You could at least put a sugar or twoin there, you mad man,” Roger said with the wave of his hand, Brian’s plan atboring him with animal ethics having worked.

Brian smiled to himself, taking another sip. Roger was outof his mind if he thought he’d ever put sugar in anything he ate. Might as welleat straight fat. At least his little plan worked.

♚

“Brian, sweetheart, you look absolutely pale! Have you caughta cold?” Freddie said, a hand pressing against Brian’s clammy forehead. Brianducked away from the touch, laughing nonchalantly as he did.

“Perhaps? I feel, uh, fine. Maybe I’m just low in something,”he said as convincingly as possible. His fingers started to twiddle with the sleevesof his shirt that was far too big.

Freddie gave him a look he couldn’t decipher but he nodded.

“Well, you better rest up. Can’t have our main guydeveloping an ailment before our show tomorrow, huh?” Freddie said, a handstraying onto Brian’s bony shoulder. The touch made him erupt into goosebumps.

Did he know?

Does it matter?

♚

“Brian, we need to talk,” John said, his grey eyes big andstormy.

His gut dropped to the floor, heart pounding so hard itechoed in his ears. Was the gig up?

Brian wouldn’t go without a fight.

“What about?” he said casually, crossing one leg over theother, leaning back on the couch backstage.

John sat down next to him, uncomfortably close. Brian didn’tlike people touching him. It made it all the harder to hide.

John looked around to see if anyone was around before heleaned and whispered, “The crowds really big tonight. I, um, I’m kinda nervous,”

Oh sweet jesus. Thank god. Thank god.

The anxiety melted from Brian, a small smile growing on hisface.

“John, how old are you? You silly man,” He said jokinglybefore pulling John in for a hug.

The bassist grew rigid, not reciprocating. It’d only been a second,but the atmosphere grew bleak and heavy. John pulled away, face tightened infear. He looked over Brian for a second before he left in a hurry without somuch as a word.

Did he feel how skinny fat Brian was?

Who cares?

♚

Just because you finished a successful tour does not meanyou get to pig out. Look at all this food. It’s disgusting. Unhealthy. Do youwant to be fat? Don’t you want to be the skinny boy everyone knows and loves?

But I’m so hungry…

Hunger is good. Hunger means you’re strong. Hunger means you’rebeautiful. Hunger means you’re worth something.

I don’t feel good.

You won’t feel good if you get fat. If you stay fat.

I really don’t feel good.

Put that carrot down. Do you know how much sugar carrotshave? Do you want to poison your body with junk?

I think I’m gonna…

The after party for The Game fell silent. They’d all beendrinking, laughing, eating and a few other illegal activities when they heard athud. Hundred of eyes searched the room for the source of the noise untilsomeone spotted a collapsed Brian by the single veggie plate in the corner ofthe room.

Flurries of bodies and voices, yells and whispers erupted,some rushing to the phone, some running over to Brian.

Roger, Freddie and John surrounded their guitarist, panicfueling their every move.

“He’s bloody cold! Has someone called 999?” Roger shouted,rolling Brian over so he was on his back. It was a frighteningly easy task todo, the guy being light as a feather.

“Brian, sweetie, wake up please. Help is on the way, love.Stay with us, please,” Freddie pleaded, eyes misty as he held Brian’s handbetween his own, hoping to warm it up some.

John just stood next to the three, mouth and tongue seized,body trembling uncontrollably.

This is good. This is really good. Maybe soon you’ll benothing. Zero. A beautiful number. A beautiful state to be in.

♚

“…He was in fucking heart failure…”

“…electrolytes too low…”

“…emaciated…”

“…bone’s of a 60 year old…”

“And if he had died?”

“…you never said anything!”

“…was I supposed to know what this was?”

“He’s alive no thanks to any of you…”

♚

Brian’s eyes opened sluggishly, theonly thing he could seeing being an intense white light.

Was this it? Was he in heaven? Was allof this finally over? The pain and the cold and the empty stomachs and the migraines?Was that all gone now?

“He’s awake,” a mousy voice said.

Brian’s vision cleared, revealing awhite ceiling.

So he wasn’t dead.

He looked in the direction the voicecame, shivering when he saw it was John. His face was so swollen and so redfrom crying. It looked like he’d done a week’s worth. When their eyes met, Johnlet out a heart shattering sob, burying his face into Brian’s bed sheets. Theywere soaked.

Why was John crying so hard? He justpassed out was all. Nothing to be bent over.

His eyes scanned the room for other faces.

He found Roger’s. His eye bags wereunprecedented. His hair mused like he’d been trying to pull it out. Rogershrunk back into his chair, looking down at his shoes instead.

He didn’t have to look for Freddie.

Freddie walked up to Brian’s bed, hisface untelling. He looked at Brian’s IV, which he just now noticed he hadbefore he opened his mouth to speak. He faltered for a moment but spoke.

“Brian, I am so, so sorry,” he said,voice cracking, throat dry. He reached for Brian’s hand, but Brian pulled away,shaking his head.

“For what, Fred? I just passed out! It’sno one’s fault,” he said incredulously. They all looked like train wrecks for asimple blackout?

Freddie recoiled at Brian’s wordsbefore he softened again. His eyes parted from Brian’s, licking his lips. Whydidn’t anyone want to look at him?

“Brian…you didn’t pass out. You wentinto heart failure. You were in the ICU for 3 weeks in a coma. It…they had touse the electric paddles on you on two separate occasions,” his voice grewthick, obviously trying to push away the urge to cry and scream.

“They thought you weren’t going to makeit,” Freddie mouthed, his shoulders caving in as a few tears escaped down hischeeks.

Brian blinked before finally look downat himself.

Various bruises on his arm fromdifferent IV’s and blood draws Burn marks on his chest. And a line running downhis chest, all stitched and taped up.

A number 1, almost.

Not a zero.

He looked up to Freddie, jaw hanging.

“You needed a bypass, Bri,” Freddiesaid, a nervous hand rubbing his neck.

“W-Why?” Brian choked out, his mindhaving gone blank.

Roger snorted from across the room. “Youknow why,” he said bitterly.

And it was true. Brian knew why.

The room was quiet except for Deacy’smuffled sobs.

“I…I…the…I..can’t bloody think withyour crying, John!” Brian snapped. He didn’t mean it, he really didn’t.This..illness made him do horrible things. Nasty things.

John responded by growing smalleralthough his crying didn’t. Freddie wanted to bark back, but this wasn’t right.None of it was. Instead, he grabbed John and left the room. Roger was the onlyone who could talk to Brian about serious stuff anyways.

Brian gulped when the door slammedbehind the two. Now it was just him and R-

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Rogerasked, playing with the hem of his shirt. There was no malice in his voice.Just a simple question.

“I..didn’t think anything was wrong,”Brian said, which was the truth.

This, whatever it was, made the worldsplit in two. Reality and what went on his brain both felt real. He knew he wassick, but he wasn’t. He knew he was skinny but he wasn’t. He knew he was dyingbut he wasn’t. It was hard to know the truth sometimes. All the times. It washard to reach out when everything felt both okay and crumbling. Which was thetrue one?

Roger let out a puff of air from hisnose, eyes fluttering shut, desperate for sleep. In times of crisis, he seemedto be the only one capable of keeping their wits about, so he’d been on babysittingduty for nearly a month. He wanted his bed so bad.

He wanted his best friend too.

“That’s fair,” he said with a sigh.There was another silence between them before Roger got up and padded over toBrian’s bed side. He plopped himself onto the uncomfortably wet sheets but paidthem no mind, instead looking at the skeleton before him.

“We’re all really sorry, Brian. None ofus knew you were fighting a battle alone. We just thought…I don’t know what wewere thinking. But we thought you had a handle on whatever you were doing and thatwas wrong of us to just assume,”

“You needed us and we weren’t there.There’s only so much we can do about the past though, right? But we’re gonna behere for you from now on. When they send you to the psych w-“

“Psych ward?” Brian spat out, sittingup straighter in bed.

That’s where crazy people go. I’m notcrazy. I’m fine. I’m fine. I don’t belong there. They’ll make me eat. They’llmake me gain weight.

Roger just took in Brian’s anxiety, an uncharacteristicallygentle hand laying onto Brian’s bandaged chest.

With the sincerity and sweetness of amother, Roger said, “We almost lost you Brian. We almost had to bury you. We’renot going to let that happen again. You’re not going to leave us like that,”

Brian laid back against the bed, hisonly veiny and pale hand going over Roger’s.

Nothing felt real. Nothing made sense.Nothing was good. But he knew he could trust Roger. That infernal voice buzzingin his head might have been his constant companion, but Roger was his bestfriend. And best friends don’t lie.

Brian blinked away a few tears, hiswhole body tired, in pain and in a mental tug of war, but he said, “Okay,”Roger collapsed for the first time in weeks.

♚

John held onto Brian so tight, his faceburied into his neck. He would prefer to never let go, but he knew he had tosoon.

“Brian, I lo- you’re my best friend,okay? Get better?” he said before letting go. Brian smiled, patting his back.

Freddie came in for a hug next, meltinginto Brian’s embrace.

“I need my guitarist back. My soul brother,”Freddie said, kissing Brian’s cheek.

Lastly was Roger who just held out hishand for a shake. A firm one.

“See you soon, mate.”

Brian looked at all of them, taking intheir faces before he had to go. Wheeled out from the hospital and into the vanthat’d be taking him to the psychiatric ward.

The future ahead was scary and unknown,but he wanted to charge ahead. He wanted to live. For his friends, his family andmost importantly, himself. He wanted to play guitar and sing and eat and neverworry again.

All he wanted was to be four again.

Not zero.

Never zero.

Take heart my friend we love you

Though it seems like you’re alone

A million light’s above you

Smile down upon your home

[afterglow-prompts]

a hundred dialogue prompts

hey all! awhile ago i decided that for every 25 sets put out, i’ll be doing mass prompts! i hope you enjoy this. i have each original prompt list linked in each number for your convenience. also, i’ll link the other ones below this note as soon as i put them out! thank you all so much!

this is going to be long lol, all prompts under the cut

fifty otp prompts                         

#1

“That was my sarcastic voice.” “That sounded a lot like your normal voice.” “So I’ve heard.”

“I’m going to lose my last shred of sanity.” “You can’t lose what you don’t have.”

“I can’t tell if they’re enemies or lovers.” “Neither can I, but I can sure as hell say that they’re entertaining.”

“I’m going to need you to put on pants before we do anything else.” “I am wearing pants!” “Male booty shorts in the dead of winter do not count as pants.”

#2

“Do you want to know what you’re feeling right now?” “And what would that be?” “Absolute stupidity.” 

“Even if I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why this won’t work.”

“I’m going to need about six more cups of coffee before I lose the nerve to do this.”

“I may act like an angel, but I’m definitely not Cupid. Do you know why? First, I can hardly find a date for myself. Second, my butt only looks semi-fabulous in a diaper.”

#3

“See, someone thinks I’m funny!” “Well statistically, someone has to.”

“Both of you have been glancing at each other for the past two fucking hours when the other isn’t looking. Will you please make out already!”

“I read a lot of fanfiction. Trust me, I know how this will turn out.”

“Don’t put money on me losing, you dipshit.”

#4

“Stop fighting over her, we don’t have time for a love triangle right now!”

“I’m the world champion of laziness. I’d go and grab the fake belt my parents made as a joke, but it’s all the way upstairs.”

“Let me help you, I know you’re not that strong.” “I’m strong enough to carry your corpse into the woods, so I suggest you shut up.”

“People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”

#5

“My feelings for you are like the colors of the night sky, blinding, beautiful, and seemingly endless.”

“I can’t tell them I’m writing the love notes, they’ll kill me!”

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with them, it kind of just happened.”

“I’ll be yours until all the stars fall out of the sky.”

#6

“Are you allergic to happiness?” “No, but I’m allergic to your stupidity.”

“You can’t lose weight by running away from your feelings.” “I can damn well try.”

“You should apologize.” “Fine. Unfuck you or whatever you want me to say.”

“I could hurt you if I wanted.” “So could a dedicated duck. You’re not special.”

#7

“I’m here to save you, of course.” “Sorry to ruin your fantasy, but I don’t need to be saved.”

“My mood is currently screaming into oblivion.”

“Are you okay?” “No, next question.”

“You’re cute as hell.” “Coincidentally, that’s where I came from.”

#8

“Why for the love of everything good and holy are you screaming like your ass is on fire?”

“I am nothing if not consistent.” “Yeah, a consistent pain in my ass.”

“This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!” “What about the time where-.” “Let’s not do this!”

“Sorry I hit you, my first instinct was to attack.” “You didn’t know it was me?” “Oh, I knew.”

#9

“You need to lay off the caffeine.” “Do that and you might need to lay off your life because I will make it a living fucking hell.”

“You made me chocolate chip cookies? How thoughtful! You are the best person ev-. OH MY GOSH. THIS HAS RAISINS IN IT YOU ASSHOLE! YOU KNOW I HATE RAISINS GET BACK HERE.”

“There are 1,013,913 words in the English language, but I could never string them together to accurately enough to explain how much I want to hit you with a chair.”

“I love you dearly, but I am going to shove you into a trash can the first chance I get.” “Fair enough.”

#10

“If you take that cupcake, I will hit you with a chair. Repeatedly.” “Don’t do it. They’ve done it to me before.”

“Be polite.” “Go fuck yourself.”

“Sing this with me or I’ll kick your ass.”

“When every door around you is closed, kick one in with brute force.”

#11

“I dreamed about you last night.” “I’m just the pizza delivery guy. Please sign the receipt and let me leave.”

“Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘pick your battles’?” “Yes, and I pick all of them.”

“I will not hesitate to strangle you.” “Can you even reach my neck?”

“I hate you with every inch of my being!” “That’s not a lot of inches.”

#12

“For fuck’s sake, stop, stop talking about yourself like that! It makes me sick!” “Why? You don’t care!” “The fuck I don’t! I love you. Every single part of you.”

“Breathe for me, my darling. You have to breathe to live.”

“This unworthy heart of mine will always be yours, do not forget that.”

“A warrior without scars is either play-acting or very, very good.” “Who said I didn’t have scars?”

#13 (what is it with me and the terrible angst?)

“C’mon, they’re only a few scratches.” “You were in a car crash you insolent little shit!”

“I thought I lost you. Do you have any idea, even a minuscule one, on how much that hurt me?”

“Don’t you dare lie to me. Not about this.”

“Giving away love never hurt anyone.” “But if you give away too much, what is left for yourself?”

#14

“You are the human version of a migraine.”

“Is it too early to have a breakdown this week?” “It’s Monday.” “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?” “How tall are you?” 

“I may be a mechanic, but I can’t fix stupid.”

#15 

“Why do you have a picture of your dog on the top of your tree?” “Because he’s the brightest star ever.”

“It’s Christmas!” “Yeah, it’ll also be your death date unless you let me go back to sleep.”

“And you put a picture of Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson in my stocking because?” “Because I couldn’t find any coal or other rocks so I put that in there instead.”

“Christmas is overrated.” “There’s the door, I think it’s time for you to go through it and leave.”

#16

“You really think you can beat me at Mario Kart? I have spent years studying the game and developing my skills. I spent hours upon hours training until my hands cramp. Even my TV is judging the amount of time I’ve spent playing, and you think you can beat me? Let’s fucking go.”

“Shut up? Shut up? I haven’t shut up for seventeen years and I’m not about to start now!”

“Um, did you tell me it was impossible to sing along with a guitar solo? Stand back. Your insurance doesn’t cover blown minds.”

“My songs are lost on you. You simply don’t know how to enjoy them.”

#17 (this is my most popular prompt list & it is full of the fluffiest prompts)

“Did you just kiss me?” “Was I not supposed to?” “I don’t know, but could you do it again?”

“I might be in love with you.” “That’s great to hear since I am in love with you.”

“I’ll be yours until all the stars fall out of the sky.”

“You missed. Your lips were supposed to touch mine, you dingbat.”

#18

“You’re really good at Mariokart.” “You say that like you’re surprised. It’s almost like I didn’t train for years to be the best.”

“I need to be twenty times hotter than I am right now.” “Twenty times zero is still zero.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being arrogant or ignorant.” “Both, probably.”

“Let’s not do this.” “What could go wrong? We’re all wearing helmets and the shopping cart is fully padded!”

#19

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” “Well if I didn’t have sarcasm, I’d have to flat out tell people that they’re an idiot. My mother raised me better than that.”

“It’s what’s on the inside that’s beautiful.” “Oh yeah, my intestines are blushing up a storm right now.”

“Why are you laughing at a picture of a potato?” “It reminded me of you.”

“Is that supposed to be an insult, you unimaginative dishrag?”

#20

“Get over here, being apart of the group means being apart of group hugs.”

“My pants may be down around my ankles, but judging by your blush, I look very attractive in my underwear.”

“I’m sorry for all the stuff I said.” “And the punch to the jaw?” “No, you definitely deserved that.”

“Bad things keep happening to me. It’s like I have bad luck or something.” “No, the reason you have bad luck is because you’re a dumbass.” 

#21

“You have beautiful eyes.” “Thanks, I need them to see.”

“Fuck off, it’s three in the morning.”

“Definitely not my finest hour.” “Do you think?”

“We do not have time for theatrics, move your ass!”

#22

“I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to NO ONE and NOTHING.”

“Do you think I have anger issues?” “Well, I wouldn’t call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.”

“I’m sorry I called you stupid, I thought you already knew.”

“You said you wanted my honest opinion, and there you have it. You’re a dumbass.”

#23

“Don’t underestimate us.” “Our team motto is maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

“What am I allergic to?” “Blueberries, roses, and the full spectrum of human emotions.”

“Don’t look at me, this isn’t my fault.” “But aren’t you the one who set the kitchen on fire?” “How was I supposed to know that a slim jim is flammable?”

“Fuck off.” “It’s always nice to feel wanted.”

#24

“As the saying goes in Shakespeare’s time, goest fucketh thyself.”

“I am sixty percent water, twenty percent mountain dew, twenty percent pizza, and one hundred percent swag.” “That’s two hundred percent.” “I’m twice the person you’ll ever be.”

“Go crawl up Satan’s ass.”

“I wish I was one of those people who thrives on the danger of leading a double life. You know, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, Hannah Montana.”

#25

“Why must you attack me with your words.” “Do you want me to use rocks?”

“On a scale from one to ten, you’re a nine and I’m the one you need.” “No, what the fuck, I’m a ten.”

“You have a cute nose, don’t make me break it.”

“It’s been a long week.” “It’s the middle of a Monday.” “As I said, it’s been a long week.”

[deathbyhysteria]

57 facts tag !!

i was tagged by @serensims - thank you for tagging me even though i took so long because it gave me a migraine lol

i tag @gemgeminox @maplestreetsims @justkeeponsimming @all-harlows-eve @daisydezem and anyone else who wants to have a go.

facts are under the cut!

1.   i just turned 21 years old

2.  i am studying law in london

3.   when i finish i may go and do a postgrad somewhere abroad! we’ll see

4.   i have literally no hobbies now

5.   when i was younger i used to do ballet, viola, piano, guitar, yoga, drama, dance, singing and ballroom dancing - not all at the same time (i.e. i was much more well rounded than i am now)

6.   i have one younger sister

7.   i always wanted to have an older sibling, especially an older brother

8.    i used to be a big reader but i stopped. but over the summer i’ve been reading more again, especially crime books by Harlan Coben

9.    some shows i’ve been watching a lot of over the summer: bojack horseman, 3%, the flash

10.   s5 of bojack horseman actually came out on my birthday and i tried to rewatch all 4 seasons before then but i failed. however i just started the new season today!

11.   i was admitted to hospital twice over the summer, once while i was abroad i’m holiday which SUCKED

12.   i love travelling and some of the places i’ve been to are: italy, cyprus, various places in the usa, jamaica, mexico, nigeria, greece, spain, switzerland.

13.   my dream destination is japan... i would love to visit so badly

14.   speaking of japan, my favourite cuisine is actually japanese food, and i also really enjoy chinese and what little i have tried of vietnamese food too

15.   i have only one (two?) piercings and that’s my ear lobes. but i would love to get a second set of piercing on my lobes and i’m hoping to do it in the near future

16.  i’d love to get a tattoo one day but i’m not sure what i’d get and also i don’t like pain

17.   i’m in and out of hospital kinda frequently because of a medical condition i have (without going into specifics, you could say i’m a little like a spoonie)

18.   the only surgery i’ve had was when i was about 6 years old and i had my tonsils removed

19.   i really like makeup and i can get quite creative with it, but i don’t tend to wear anything outside of mascara, my go to lipstick (which is touch by mac) and possibly eyeliner on a daily basis

20.   i’m 5ft 7in (and a half)

21.   i know basic french and a little more than basic spanish, and i’m a native english speaker

22.   this year i’m learning yoruba, and i’m also hoping to pick up some basic german too

23.   i rarely cry at movies but the only ones which did manage to make me cry were: titanic (i’m sure i was too young to be watching it at the time), princess and the pea, boy in the striped pyjamas... oh and avengers: infinity war which made me bawl like my puppy had died

24.  i’m a really big fan of the mcu and i always go to watch the new releases in the cinema with my sister and my dad

25.   i’ve never see the incredible hulk so idk maybe that makes me a fake fan

26.   i had to wear braces for 6-7 years? but afterwards i stopped wearing my retainers so some of the gaps opened up in my teeth again 🤷‍♀️ what can you do

27.   i love music and i always try to give every genre a go... the only one i can’t deal with is country music

28.   my favourite thing is getting to see live music and i’ve gotten to see: one direction (my first concert!), 5 seconds of summer, little mix, twenty one pilots, hey violet and most recently taylor swift

29.   i’m still taking driving lessons over a year after i first started but my driving test is booked for next friday so idk maybe i’ll have an official license soon if i don’t flop

30.   i had 4 really close friends in high school but after that we kinda grew apart and i got pretty lonely and pretty bad (read: ridiculously awful) at making friends

31.   i did struggle with depression and mild anxiety in the past

32.   if you have mental health issues - please try and talk to someone about it. keep trying until you find someone you can trust. it took me a long time to admit i needed help and even longer to find someone i felt comfortable confiding in, but it was the best thing i ever did.

33.   i did really really well in my gcse’s but since then i’ve just gotten dumber i guess because all my grades have been nothing short of average, sometimes even significantly below average

34.   tumblr is basically the only social media i use now. i stopped using facebook, twitter and instagram, and i only keep the snapchat app around so i can take cute selfies, but i don’t ever post

35.   it’s 2am as i type this and i’m running out of things to say

36.   i used to get really painful periods, to the point where i was basically bedridden and the pain was enough to make me physically throw up. luckily they aren’t as bad anymore

37.   i love the summer and i really need that vitamin d in my life

38.   i really love winter clothes and big loose comfy sweaters are literally my favourite thing

39.   i drink a lot of tea, especially green tea with lots of honey

40.   i’m mildly lactose intolerant and yesterday i drank a chocolate milk which had some adverse effects... it wasn’t worth it tbh it tasted kinda nasty

41.   i used to really love bratz and i watched all the movies and even bought some of their albums

42.  i can’t really walk in heels but i’m trying... platform heels are not so bad but then i get people telling me i’m tall already so i don’t need to wear heels (as if i don’t just wear them because i like them)

43. i love lush bath bombs and i always have a few hanging around my bathroom

44.   my dress size is like a 10 but sometimes i have to go up a size because of my big bust, which i hate

45.   i actually really enjoy playing the papa’s pizzeria franchise online and they’re like my go to games when i’m really bored

46.   speaking of games i also really love phoenix wright, i’m playing the trilogy on the app now as i had only played ace attorney before

47.   i love getting manicures and idk why but i always tend to paint my nails dark blue... there’s this shade this one shade and no matter which nail bar you send me to, if they have it i’ll always pick it out without even realising it

48.   i play sims on my macbook air which probably isn’t a great pc for gaming bc it always makes the fan go absolutely crazy, although my game never lags even back when i used alpha cc

49.   i played the og sims but i never played sims 2 or 3 and i also never bought any expansion packs even though i was desperate to

50.   i wear a lot of black, not intentionally but probably because it’s just a safe colour that you can’t go wrong with

51.   i actually really enjoy getting socks as a gift but no one buys me them because i think it’s a universally accepted fact that socks are a rubbish gift

52.   i don’t own any trousers that aren’t jeans and i think that’s probably a little odd but i’m not sure

53.  i don’t have a great track record of keeping my mobile safe and i’ve ruined a lot of good phones by cracking the screen, dropping them in the toilet, dropping them into my cereal, or just plain losing them

54.   speaking of which i currently have an iphone 6s in rose gold and i love it and don’t care all that much to upgrade it. but it only has 16gb of space and i’m desperate for more

55.   i also really enjoy getting new pyjamas. and my favourite pyjamas are the ones that aren’t pyjamas at all i.e. just give me a t-shirt in size xxxl and i’m good to go

56.   i wear glasses because i have a lazy eye and i’m also long sighted (which is an absolute recipe for disaster when you’re trying to apply eyeliner, let me tell you)

57.   i’m genuinely surprised that i managed to list 57 facts about me!

[chocolatequeennk]

Forever and Never Apart, 23/42

Summary: After taking a year to recover from the Master, the Doctor and Rose are ready to travel again. But Time keeps pushing them forward, and instead of going back to their old life, they slowly realise that they’re stepping into a new life. Friends new and old are meeting on the TARDIS, and when the stars start going out, the Doctor and Rose face the biggest change of all: the return of Bad Wolf.

Series 4 with Rose, part 7 of Being to Timelessness; sequel to Taking Time (AO3 | FF.NET | TSP)

Betaed by @lastbluetardis, @rudennotgingr, @jabber-who-key, and @pellaaearien. Thank you so much!

We are finally to the Library, which gets a major rewrite.

AO3 | FF.NET | TSP

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 | Ch 5 | Ch 6 | Ch 7 | Ch 8 | Ch 9 | Ch 10 | Ch 11 | Ch 12 | Ch 13 | Ch 14 | Ch 15 | Ch 16 | Ch 17 | Ch 18 | Ch 19 | Ch 20 | Ch 21 | Ch 22

Chapter Twenty-three: An Unusual Summons

Rose hummed a tune to herself as she used a large brush to cover her canvas in seashell pink. The Doctor had declared a day in that morning at breakfast, and she hadn’t wasted any time getting her paints set up in her studio.

After travelling together for three months, their unique little group of four really felt like a family. Donna was exactly what she’d always wanted in an older sister—someone just a little bolder than she was, who could egg her on. She teased the Doctor like he was her little brother, never letting an opportunity to poke fun at him slide by.

And Jenny. Jenny soaked it all up, thriving under Donna’s affectionate attention and the Doctor’s doting. Like any young adult, she chafed when he tried too hard to keep her safe, and Rose had kept her promise to be the cool step-mum, listening when she needed to vent.

She sighed and tapped the handle of her brush against her cheek as she considered her next colour. After a moment, she dipped it in gold metallic paint and started painting a spiral of colour in the middle of the pale pink canvas.

A sharp telepathic prod caught her attention and nearly sent her paintbrush jerking across the canvas, ruining her painting. She gasped and put the brush back in the jar of water, then rubbed circles over her temple, trying to ease the lingering discomfort.

That wasn’t the Doctor, or the TARDIS, she realised. For a second, she thought it had come from Jenny, but she dismissed the thought almost immediately. It hadn’t felt anything like the connection she shared with her step-daughter.

And if it wasn’t from the Doctor, Jenny, or the TARDIS…

She already had her paints put away and was wiping off her hands when the Doctor knocked on the door and pushed it open without invitation. That alone told her how serious this was; the Doctor only entered her studio uninvited in the case of an emergency.

“Do you have your psychic paper?” he asked without preamble, slapping his own against the palm of his hand.

Rose shook her head. “It’s in our room.” They left the studio and she shut the door firmly behind her. “Why? What’s wrong, Doctor?”

He handed her his psychic paper as they walked the short distance to their room. Rose flipped it open and read the message, written in an unfamiliar hand.

I need your help at the Library. Please come as soon as you can.

Love you both.

In lieu of a signature, the message concluded with a complicated series of numbers and letters Rose immediately recognised as space-time coordinates.

The Doctor picked her psychic paper up off her vanity and read the message out loud. Rose looked at the paper in her hand, then at the Doctor.

“Is that what I felt in my head then?” she asked. “Someone sending us a message via psychic paper?”

The Doctor nodded. Rose handed him his paper back, then stripped out of her paint spattered clothes while he paced the length of the room. Then she slipped into the en-suite and listened to his explanation as she scrubbed paint off her face with a flannel.

“It’s like psychic texting in a way,” he said, and she could picture the way he punctuated the words with gestures to go with his rapid-fire delivery. “You can send a message from one piece of psychic paper to another, though it takes some training.”

Rose pulled her hair up in a sleek ponytail, then went back into their room. He was on the other side of the room when she selected a pair of comfortable jeans and a pink top out of the wardrobe, and she was zipping up her jeans when he turned around and noticed she’d changed.

“What are you doing?” the Doctor said, finally noticing that she’d changed.

Rose rolled her eyes at him as she selected a pair of hot pink Chucks. “Getting ready to go?” she said, like it was obvious.

The Doctor tugged on his ear. “Ah. Of course.”

Rose stopped lacing up her shoes to look at him incredulously. “I thought you’d be chomping at the bit, after a message like that.”

The furrow between his brows tightened. “The coordinates are already set,” he admitted. “But the last time we followed a message left on the psychic paper, you were possessed by Lady Cassandra.”

Rose finished tying her shoes, then leaned back on the edge of the bed. She had mixed feelings about their first visit to New Earth. On one hand, it was their first trip after his regeneration, and she would always have fond memories of lying in the apple grass with him. On the other… Cassandra’s invasion had left her with migraines that hadn’t faded for a week.

On the other hand… “But the last time we followed a message on the psychic paper, it was from Jack,” Rose pointed out. “Someone who knew us and was counting on us to help them out.”

The Doctor pursed his lips, and Rose could feel the strength of his uncertainty. She stepped forward and adjusted the knot of his navy and maroon floral tie, making sure it lay just right over his burgundy shirt. It was a way of giving them both time—him time to think about what she’d said, and her time to find the right words to win him over.

Finally, she ran her hands down his chest and rested them on his waist. “We’ve got to go, Doctor. Someone who trusts us and is counting on us sent that message.”

The Doctor ran his hand through his hair. Rose was right, but there was something about the whole situation that just felt… slightly off. Not like a trap, but…

A moment later, he felt Rose’s soothing touch on the bond, calming him as much as possible. The Doctor relaxed into her touch, then took her hand and walked with her out of their room. “Come on. I told Jenny to get Donna; they should be waiting for us in the console room.”

Jenny was sitting on the jump seat when they entered the room, her legs swinging and her fingers tapping on the leather seat. The Doctor tugged gently on her ponytail, then laughed when she jumped to her feet. As much as she looked like his fifth incarnation, she had all the manic energy he possessed in this body.

“All right, Dad, are you going to tell us where we’re going?” She peered down at the coordinates he’d set before getting Rose. “It looks like the fifty-first century. Am I right?”

“What I want to know,” Donna asked, “is what happened to the relaxing day we were supposed to be having. I was just getting ready to do my nails when Jenny pounded on my door and insisted that you had someplace to take us.”

The Doctor looked at her, leaning against the ramp with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrows raised. He never could pull one over on Donna.

“I got an inkling that something might be going on here today instead,” he explained as he threw the dematerialisation lever. “And I thought… there are plenty of days to rest, but this might be our only chance to go here.”

“And where exactly is here?” she challenged.

The TARDIS’ wheezing slowed as she landed, and despite his concerns over what might be waiting for them in the Library, the Doctor grinned at Donna. “Books,” he said enthusiastically as he jogged around the console and grabbed his coat from where it was draped over a strut. “People never really stop loving books.”

Rose opened the door, and they filed out of the TARDIS into a long gallery. Sunlight streamed into the room through clerestory windows, high in the walls. A few wooden book carts were near the ship, filled with books either on display, or waiting to be shelved.

The Doctor picked one up and thumbed through it quickly, then put it back on the cart and started walking across the room. “So, like Jenny said, this is the fifty-first century. By now you’ve got holovids, direct-to-brain downloads, fiction mist, but you need the smell. The smell of books, ladies. Deep breath.”

Donna looked over at Rose and rolled her eyes, but the Doctor pushed open a thick wooden door before any of them could comment on his raptures over the smell of old paper. They stepped out of the dimly lit room they’d landed in and into an outdoor atrium at the top of a marble staircase.

“The Library. So big it doesn’t need a name. Just a great big ‘The.’”

“It’s like a city,” Donna marvelled as they walked past huge columns.

“It’s a world,” the Doctor corrected. “Literally, a world. The whole core of the planet is the index computer. Biggest hard drive ever.”

“They installed a hard drive in a planet core?” Rose asked as they walked slowly down the flight of stairs, further into the sunlight.

“Yep!” The Doctor popped the p the way he did when he was excited about something. “It still amazes computer programmers—they don’t know how it was done.” He nodded out at the urban landscape when they reached a balcony. “And up here, every book ever written. Whole continents of Jeffrey Archer, Bridget Jones, Monty Python’s Big Red Book. Brand new editions, specially printed.”

They were quiet for a moment, taking in the sheer size of a library that occupied an entire planet. Clusters of skyscrapers were grouped together, connected by sky bridges. Running between the groups of buildings were rails that Rose assumed belonged to a train of some kind that would take you from one part of the planet to another.

On the side of the nearest building there was a huge electronic billboard, announcing it held books on xeno biology and art. A shiver of excitement coursed through her as she thought about all the incredible books on art she might find in the largest library in the universe.

Jenny broke the silence first. “It’s beautiful.”

The Doctor hummed. “Isn’t it? We’re near the equator, so”��He licked his finger and stuck it in the air—“this must be biographies!” he crowed. “I love biographies.”

“I love reading about real people who actually lived,” Jenny said excitedly.

The Doctor turned to his daughter, and Donna absently picked up a book that was resting on the balustrade. She flipped through the pages quickly and realised she could actually see the letters change shape as the TARDIS’ translation circuit tried to keep up with how fast the pages were moving.

She stopped on a page two-thirds of the way through, but before she could read more than a line, the Doctor plucked the book from her fingers. “Oi! Spoilers.”

“What?”

He snapped it shut and waved it at her. “These books are from your future. You don’t want to read ahead. Spoil all the surprises. Like peeking at the end.”

Jenny rolled her eyes. “Dad, we’re currently three thousand years in the future from Donna’s time. Keeping her from spoilers is like…”

A frown wrinkled her forehead, and Donna waited eagerly for the turn of phrase she’d come up with.

Jenny’s expression cleared, and there was a hint of mischief in her smile. “Like closing the barn door after the horse has gotten out!” she stated victoriously.

Everyone laughed but the Doctor, and Rose took the book from the Doctor and handed it back to Donna. “I’m afraid she’s got you there, Doctor.” She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head when he pouted. “It’s the biography of an actor from the thirty-third century,” she said, cutting off his sputtering. “It’s not going to spoil anything if Donna reads it, aside from the fact that the notion of spoilers is ridiculous.”  

“I try to keep her away from major plot developments,” the Doctor protested, though he tugged on his ear in a way Donna knew meant he was aware he’d been caught. “Which, to be honest, I seem to be very bad at,” he added as he looked around at the empty staircase. “Because you know what? This is the biggest library in the universe. So where is everyone? It’s silent.”

“I thought libraries were supposed to be quiet,” Rose pointed out as the Doctor jogged over to a nearby terminal and used the sonic screwdriver to delve through layers of information.

The Doctor looked up at her briefly as the computer ran the scan he’d started. “That’s hardly even true in your time, love,” he said absently before looking back at the computer. “No, near the end of the twentieth century, humans figured out that the most important thing was that people used the library, and that didn’t happen if they enforced an unnatural silence.”  

“Maybe it’s a Sunday,” Donna suggested.

The Doctor was shaking his head before she finished the sentence. “No, I never land on Sundays. Sundays are boring.”

“Maybe everyone is just being really quiet?” Jenny offered.

Rose was watching over his shoulder as the computer did the scan he’d requested, and she leaned forward to frown at the screen when the results popped up. According to the computer, they were the only ones on the whole planet.

“Except even if people were being quiet, you’d expect them to show up on a scan,” she said, finally admitting that the Doctor’s earlier unease might not have been unwarranted.

The Doctor did something with his sonic, and Rose could see the computer code spinning again in the background. A moment later, the terminal beeped with what sounded like an error message.

“Now that’s interesting,” he muttered.

“What?” Jenny and Donna asked in unison.

“Scanning for life forms. Limiting to basic humanoids—the target audience of the Library—apart from us, I get nothing. Zippo, nada. See?”

He pointed at the message on the screen that read, Filtered Humanoid Lifeforms Scan Complete: 4.

“Nobody home.” He tapped repeatedly at a button on the keyboard. “But if I widen the parameters to any kind of life…”

The number changed to 1,000,000,000,000, with an error message.

“A million million,” the Doctor read. “Gives up after that. A million million.”

A shiver ran up Rose’s back and she looked around at the seemingly empty planet. “So… there’s something here we can’t see,” she said.

“That’s the only logical answer,” the Doctor agreed. His jaw twitched. “And not a sound. A million million life forms, and silence in the Library.”

“But… where could they all be?” Jenny asked practically.

Donna nodded. “Yeah, where could a million million people hide? There’s not… I mean, there’s just books.” She looked at the book in her hand, her eyes wide. “They can’t be hiding in the books, can they? Or maybe they are they books. But books can’t be alive.”

She reached for the cover and opened it slowly.

“Welcome.”

Donna jumped and dropped the book, then turned around. “That came from here,” she said, pointing back up the stairs.

The Doctor nodded. “Yeah.”

Normally, the whole sequence would have had a comic effect, but today, with the eerie feeling in the atmosphere as the question of a million million lifeforms lingered, no one laughed.

They retreated back to the room they’d parked in, and the Doctor led the way straight over to a large, round circulation desk. The top piece of a sculpture turned around to reveal a vaguely humanoid figure. Rose blinked as she looked at the very human face atop the stylised body.

“I am Courtesy Node seven one zero slash aqua. Please enjoy the Library and respect the personal access codes of all your fellow readers, regardless of species or hygiene taboo.”

Donna took another step towards the Courtesy Node. “That face, it looks real.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” the Doctor said dismissively.

Rose looked up at him, instantly recognising the evasive look on his face. It is real, isn’t it?

“Is it a hologram, Dad?” Jenny asked.

The Doctor nodded slightly at Rose, then looked back at Jenny and Donna. “No, but really, it’s fine.”

The Courtesy Node spoke again. “Additional. There follows a brief message from the Head Librarian for your urgent attention. It has been edited for tone and content by a Felman Lux Automated Decency Filter. Message follows: ‘Run. For God’s sake, run.’”

The words were chilling, spoken by a statue with absolutely no emotional affect in its voice.

“‘Nowhere is safe. The Library has sealed itself, we can’t—Oh, they’re here.’” Several sounds that Rose easily recognised as grunts of pain followed, and then the Courtesy Node said, “Message ends. Please switch off your mobile comm. units for the comfort of other readers.”

“So that’s why we’re here,” the Doctor muttered. “Any other messages, same date stamp?” he asked the Courtesy Node.

“One additional message. This message carries a Felman Lux coherency warning of five zero eleven—”

The Doctor waved off the disclaimer. “Yeah, yeah, fine, fine, fine. Just play it.”

“Message follows: ‘Count the shadows. For God’s sake, remember, if you want to live, count the shadows. Message ends.’”

That made less than no sense to Rose, and she would have brushed it off if genuine fear hadn’t swelled up in the Doctor. He reached for her hand and pulled her close, while looking around the room that was half-shadow.

Jenny looked at them, her features pinched with fear and confusion. “Dad?”

The Doctor took a deep breath and nodded once. “Right, everyone,” he said, his calm voice telling them more about how serious the situation was than any amount of shouting would have done. “Stay out of the shadows.”

Then he spun around and strode out of there room, Rose’s hand was still clasped tightly in his. Despite the fear in his voice, he didn’t hesitate as they walked past the TARDIS. She could feel his curiosity—he still wanted to know who had sent them the message on the psychic paper and why.

Still, he was walking so fast she almost had to jog to keep up. He meant to wrap up that mystery as quickly as possible and get them off the planet. She kept quiet as they went through a door into a room that looked like what Rose expected of a library, with row after row of bookshelves.

Donna and Jenny caught up with them only a few metres into the room, and Donna planted herself directly in front of them. “All right you two, what’s going on here? We had a perfectly relaxing day planned, and then suddenly we’re taking a trip. And don’t think I didn’t hear you a moment ago, Doctor—‘So, that’s why we’re here,’ you said. So, out with it.”

Jenny nodded. “And you’re really…” She hesitated and glanced from the Doctor to Donna and back again. “…worried, Dad,” she added, settling on a less concerning word than “terrified.”

The Doctor sighed, but handed Donna his psychic paper, and she flipped it open to read the message still visible there. “Someone asked for our help.”

“I love you both?” Donna raised her eyebrows when she passed the paper back.

Rose bit her lip. From the moment she’d read the message, it had tugged at her. Someone was counting on them.

“I wish I could figure out who sent it,” she mumbled. “Jack and Martha both have my mobile number, so they could just text. It’s got to be…”

Her voice trailed off when she realised the Doctor was staring over her shoulder at the aisle behind her. Rose turned around, and her eyes widened when she realised the lights were going out, one row at a time.

The Doctor had had his suspicions when they listened to the last message, warning them to count the shadows. But it was only now, as he watched the lights go out plunging the Library deeper into darkness—creating more shadows—that he knew for sure what they’d stumbled upon. A planet that was seemingly empty, yet claimed to be teeming with life? A warning to count the shadows? And a message from a mysterious person, asking for help at the Library?

Vashta Nerada.

“What’s happening?” Donna asked.

The Doctor pushed her and Jenny towards the light, then grabbed Rose’s hand again. “Run!”

Ahead of them, Jenny’s boots hit the floor with rhythmic thuds while Donna’s ponytail trailed behind her. The Doctor felt his coat start to wrap around his legs and he used his free hand to tug it loose, so he wouldn’t trip.

We need to find someplace safe, Rose said.

The Doctor grit his teeth together and nodded. He strained his eyes for some kind of exit. They turned a corner and finally, at the end of an aisle, there was a set of intricately carved wooden doors only twenty feet away from them. Everyone skidded to a halt right in front of the doors, but when the Doctor try to push them open, they wouldn’t budge.

“Come on,” he grunted, throwing his weight against the doors.

“What, is it locked?” Donna demanded, her voice shrill.

He shook his head and pushed harder on the stuck door. “Jammed. The wood’s warped.” The electrical fizz of lights going out got louder as the darkness and the shadows came closer, and despite his best efforts to stay calm, panic welled up inside him.

Jenny wrapped her arms around herself and looked back over her shoulders at the encroaching darkness. “Use your screwdriver, Dad!”

“I can’t,” he growled, rattling the doorknob. “It’s wood.”

“What, it doesn’t do wood?” Donna snarled.

An idea struck the Doctor, and he pulled the sonic out of his pocket. “Hang on, hang on,” he said as he pointed it at the crack between the doors. “I can vibrate the molecules, fry the bindings. I can shatterline the interface.”

“Oh, get out of the way.” Donna shoved him aside and kicked the door open.

All four of them piled into the room and slammed the doors shut behind them, then the Doctor grabbed a book off a nearby table and slid it into the handles as a rudimentary bar lock.

Once the immediate danger was over, he turned to get a look at their surroundings. The circular room with a rotunda was obviously a reading room, but he didn’t have a chance to admire the tables lining the outer walls.

A security camera hovered in the middle of the rotunda, its lens pointed directly at them. The Doctor stuck his hands into his pockets and tried to smile like he hadn’t been caught breaking down a door.

“Oh. Hello. Sorry to burst on you like this. Okay if we stop here for a bit?”

Rose blinked when the camera dropped to the floor like a rock. She and Jenny walked over to it, and Jenny nudged it with her foot.

“What is it?” she asked.

Rose bent over to pick it up. “It’s a security camera,” she explained as she turned it over in her hands. “But I think it switched itself off.”  

The Doctor held out his hand, and she tossed the camera to him. “Nice door skills, Donna,” he said as he pointed the sonic screwdriver at the camera.

“Yeah, well, you know, boyfriends. Sometimes you need the element of surprise.”

Rose recoiled. “What kind of men have you been dating?” she said before she could stop herself. “Sorry,” she added a second later. “Not my business, but… Sorry.”

Donna shrugged. “Nah, you’re right.”  

Jenny looked like she wanted to ask questions, but Rose shook her head quickly. She could come up with half a dozen reasons why a woman would learn to kick down doors because of the men she dated, and none of them were good. If Donna wanted to elaborate more, she would—but they wouldn’t harass her about it.

After a brief, awkward silence, Donna looked down at the Doctor, who was still messing with the security camera. “So,” she said briskly. “Did we just run away from a power cut?”

Rose could sense the Doctor’s immediate and unqualified negative, but he didn’t dismiss the idea out loud. “Possibly,” he allowed.

“Is it safe here?” Jenny asked, looking around the reading room uneasily.

“Of course we’re safe,” the Doctor said insouciantly. “There’s a little shop.”

All three women turned to look at the wall he’d tilted his head towards. There was a shop, and a sign pointing towards the entrance.

“Gotcha!” the Doctor crowed triumphantly, pulling their attention back to him.

“Ooo, I’m sorry,” he said a moment later. He carefully set the security camera back down on the floor. “I really am. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He looked up at Rose, Donna, and Jenny. “It’s alive.”

“You said it was a security camera,” Donna protested.

He pushed himself back to his feet and twirled his sonic screwdriver once before sliding it into his coat pocket. “It is. It’s an alive one.”

Messages kept scrolling across the screen, this time warning that others were coming.

“Others?” Jenny said. “What’s it mean, others?”

Donna waited for the Doctor or Rose to answer, but they were silent. Well, I’ve had enough silence in the Library. She looked around and spotted another one of those Courtesy Nodes.

“Excuse me,” she said as she strode towards it. “What does it mean, others?”

The Doctor snorted. “That’s barely more than a Speak Your Weight machine; it can’t help you.”

Donna looked back at him and raised her eyebrows. “So why’s it got a face?” she challenged.

She didn’t expect the answer she received.  

“This flesh aspect was donated by Mark Chambers on the occasion of his death,” the Courtesy Node said calmly.

Donna looked back at the Doctor, who was rubbing at the back of his neck like he’d been hoping she wouldn’t figure that out. “It’s a real face?”

The Courtesy Node decided to answer that question, too. “It has been actualised individually for you from the many facial aspects saved to our extensive flesh banks. Please enjoy.”

“It chose me a dead face it thought I’d like?” Donna screeched. She looked back at the Doctor and Rose, who had walked over to her and both wore slightly sheepish expressions. “That statue’s got a real dead person’s face on it.”

“It’s the fifty-first century,” the Doctor explained. “That’s basically like donating a park bench.”

“It’s donating a face!” Donna shot back, pointing to her own face and backing away from the creepy statue.

A small hand grabbed her wrist and yanked Donna a few feet back and to the left. Donna glared at Jenny. “I can move on my own, thanks.”

The Doctor shook his head and pointed to where Donna had been standing. “The shadow. Look.”

Donna looked at it, then back at the Doctor. “What about it?”

Rose looked around the reading room. “Count the shadows.”

“One,” Donna snarked. “There, counted it. One shadow.”

“No, Donna,” Jenny said quietly. “What’s casting it?”

Donna looked down at the triangular shadow on the floor, then slowly raised her eyes to the ceiling, hoping to see something that would explain the presence of the shadow.

There was nothing.

The Doctor shuddered at how close they’d come to losing Donna.

An electrical hum distracted him, the same sound they’d heard earlier. He turned his head slowly to look down the corridor that led to the reading room. The lights were flickering and going out, just like they had in the stacks.

“The power must be going,” Donna said, though he could tell in her voice that she didn’t really believe that.

The Doctor shook his head. “This place runs on fission cells. They’ll out burn the sun.” The Vashta Nerada were turning off the lights because living shadows could hide more easily in the dark.

“All right then, love, why is it dark?” Rose asked calmly.

He took her hand, then pulled Jenny closer and motioned for Donna to circle in as well. “It’s not dark,” he said, his voice hoarse with anger and fear.

Donna tapped on his arm, and he looked over at her. She pointed to the floor, where the triangular shadow had been just a few moments ago. “That shadow. It’s gone.”

The Doctor’s throat went dry. Rose shuddered in his arms, and he tried to get his fear under control instead of projecting the full force of it to her. “We need to get back to the TARDIS,” he said, surprised by how even his voice sounded.

The drive to get home to safety thrummed inside him, in time with his heart beats. Whoever had called for them would just have to manage on their own. They were already running out of time to make it out of the Library alive.

“Why?” asked Jenny.

“Because that shadow hasn’t gone.” The Doctor swallowed. “It’s moved.”

The Courtesy Node went crazy then, repeating the same message over and over. “Reminder. The Library has been breached. Others are coming. Reminder. The Library has been breached. Others are coming. Reminder. The Library has been breached.”

Rose stared at the Courtesy Node and rubbed the Doctor’s back, trying to calm him down. He hadn’t been this frightened since they’d run into the Weeping Angels with Martha, and his panic was interfering with his ability to communicate.

Calm down, love, she urged. Just talk to us and tell us what’s going on.

The Doctor took a deep breath, but before he could get another word out, an explosion blew open the double doors on the opposite side of the room. Six people in spacesuits stepped into the room. The glass on the suits was tinted black, hiding their faces, but then the leader reached up and adjusted the filter.

Rose stared at the woman’s heart-shaped face. Wide hazel eyes looked back at her beneath furrowed brows, and Rose suddenly knew—this was the person who’d called them. The fact that she’d never met the woman before in her life added a sudden complexity to the day that she hadn’t counted on.

Time travel. She sighed and rubbed her temple.

The tall stranger looked at her, then at the Doctor, Donna, and Jenny. She seemed to take a deep breath before turning back to her crew.

“Pop your helmets, everyone.” She took her own helmet off and shook out her long, brown ponytail. “We’ve got breathers.”

“How do you know they’re not androids?” one of her team challenged, though everyone did as she ordered and took their helmets off.

The woman held Rose’s gaze steadily. “Because. I know them.”

The Doctor seemed not to hear that announcement. He stepped away from Rose, his hands clenched into fists. “Get out,” he ordered, his voice tense.

A smile played on the corners of the woman’s mouth, and Rose wondered if she really knew them. Because if she did, wouldn’t she recognise that he was about thirty seconds from an outburst?

Unless she’s never seen him in a dangerous situation like this. Suddenly wanting to shield the young woman from what was to come, Rose reached out and put her hand on the Doctor’s arm. “Doctor.”

He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, but the tension in his back didn’t ease and his jaw was still twitching. “We’re leaving, and you should too. Get back in your rocket and fly away.”

“Who is this?” A man stepped forward and glared at the woman. “You said we were the only expedition. I paid for exclusives.”

Her smirk deepened and she looked down at the shorter man, meeting his gaze steadily. “They’re part of my team.”  

Rose felt the ripple of shock that washed through the Doctor when he heard those words, and she realised he hadn’t seen the recognition on the woman’s face and put the pieces together.

The man sighed, but he nodded. “It would have been nice if you’d informed me more people would be meeting us here. And I really would love to know how they got through the protections around the planet. But…” He gestured to a pretty young woman standing off to the side. “Miss Evangelista, I want to see the contracts.”

The Doctor watched the party with growing incredulity. Had he not been clear enough in his recommendation that they all leave? Why were they standing here talking?

The stranger looked up at him, her helmet tucked under her arm.“You came through the north door, yeah? How was that, much damage?”

He put his hands on his hips and looked down at this person who was delaying everyone’s escape. “Please, just leave. I’m asking you seriously and properly, just l—”

The man’s words sank in suddenly, and the Doctor broke off in mid-thought to look back at him, then at the rest of the group—all young, likely graduate students working as interns. He looked at the woman who claimed to know them, and judged her to be just a few years older. Their advisor.

He sighed and rocked back on his heels. “Hang on. Did you say expedition?”

The balding man nodded. “My expedition. I funded it.”

The Doctor groaned and looked back at the woman. “Oh, you’re not, are you? Tell me you’re not archaeologists.”

She pressed her lips together, finally making an effort to hide her smirk. “Got a problem with archaeologists?”

He snorted. “I’m a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.”

“Ah. Doctor Melody Pond, archaeologist.” She wasn’t even bothering to hide her smirk now.  

Rose stepped forward and shook the other woman’s hand. “I think it’s time for introductions,” she said. “You might know us, but we don’t know your team.” She smiled at the black woman standing behind Doctor Pond—she was the one who’d asked if they were androids. “I’m Rose, this is the Doctor, our daughter Jenny, and our friend Donna. What’s your name?”

The woman blinked. “Anita.”

“Right,” the Doctor interrupted. “We could do introductions, or we could leave. I vote for leaving.” He leaned forward, resting his weight on the balls of his feet as he looked into Doctor Pond’s eyes. “And as you leave, you need to set up a quarantine beacon. Code wall the planet, the whole planet. Nobody comes here, not ever again. Not one living thing, not here, not ever.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Jenny grab Anita’s arm as she wandered past, towards the shadowy edge of the room. “Stay out of the shadows, Anita,” she warned.

The Doctor nodded. “That’s right. Not a foot, not a finger in the shadows till you’re safely back in your ship. Goes for all of you. Stay in the light.”

Melody Pond blinked up at him, and something in the indulgent expression on her face irritated the Doctor even more. Does she think I’m joking?

“Find a nice, bright spot and just stand,” he ordered. “If you understand me, look very, very scared.” The archaeology team looked more befuddled than scared, and he shook his head. “No, bit more scared than that.” Frowns deepened, and they shifted their weight from one foot to the other. The Doctor shrugged. “Okay, do for now.”

For the first time, Doctor Pond hesitated, licking her lips and looking at Rose. “Rose?”

Rose nodded. “He’s serious, Doctor Pond. He still hasn’t told us exactly what’s on this planet, but it’s swarming with something, and whatever it is, it’s bad. We need to get out of here.”

“Oh, I’m not going anywhere.” The man paying for the expedition put his helmet under his arm and scowled at them. “My family has waited one hundred years to come back and check on the Library.”

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. His family owned the Library? Which made him something-something Lux, as in the Felman Lux coherency warning.

The Doctor ground his teeth together, then looked away from the arrogant Mr. Lux to a younger black man standing uncertainly on the edge of the group. “You. Who are you?”

“Um, Dave.”

He grabbed Dave by the shoulder and pushed him, none-too-gently, back to the door the group had entered through. “Okay, Dave.”

“Oh, well, Other Dave,” Dave added before the Doctor could finish his sentence. He stopped and pointed back at the last person needing to be introduced. “Because that’s Proper Dave, the pilot. He was the first Dave, so when we—”

“Other Dave,” the Doctor interrupted, then pulled him the last few feet to the door. He pointed down the corridor. “The way you came, does it look the same as before?”

“Yeah,” Other Dave said, then he looked properly and shook his head. “Oh, it’s a bit darker.”

“How much darker?” the Doctor prodded.

The kinks of Other Dave’s tightly curled hair cast shadows on the door behind him as he pointed towards the darkened stacks. “Oh, like I could see where we came through just like a moment ago. I can’t now.”

The Doctor fought back his panic. The shadows were closing in on them, and before too much longer, every escape route would be closed off. He backed away from the door and stared purposely at Other Dave.

“Seal up this door. We’ll find another way out.”

“We’re not looking for a way out,” the snappish older man insisted. “Miss Evangelista?”

The pretty young woman stepped forward with a stack of papers in her hands. “I’m Mr. Lux’s personal everything.” She handed the papers to the Doctor, Rose, Jenny, and Donna. “You need to sign these contracts agreeing that your individual experiences inside the library are the intellectual property of the Felman Lux Corporation.”

“Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it?” Rose winked up at him, and the Doctor felt the tiniest bit of his tension ease.

Jenny and Donna both made similar sounds of assent, all of them looking at the Doctor. On his nod, the four of them tore the contracts in two and tossed the ripped paper onto the floor.

Mr. Lux pointed at them. “My family built this library. I have rights.”

“I’m not interested in your rights,” the Doctor snarled. “Something came to this library and killed everything in it. Killed a whole world.” He sucked in a breath through his nose. “The only thing I’m interested in is getting my family home safely. I suggest you do the same.”

Melody Pond bit her lip. “Surely whatever killed those people is long-dead.”

The Doctor looked up at the ceiling and rubbed his hands over his face. “Rose told you there was a swarm. What if they’re not dead? What if, whatever they are, they’ve been living and breeding on this planet for one hundred years?”

Mr. Lux’s annoyed voice interrupted his rapid questions. “What are you doing?”

The Doctor looked across the room to where Mr. Lux was confronting Other Dave, waving a torch like a club.

Other Dave had a caulk gun pressed to the door jamb, and he looked from Mr. Lux to the Doctor. “He said seal the door.”

“You’re taking orders from him?” Mr. Lux demanded.

The Doctor smiled darkly and snuck up behind Mr. Lux “Spooky, isn’t it?” he murmured as he snagged the torch out of Mr. Lux’s hand and shone it into the dark corners of the room.

Rose watched him as he inspected the room. His back was rigid, though that was partially concealed by the heavy coat draped over his shoulders. But it was the fear she could almost taste that made her want to grab her family and run straight back to the TARDIS. The Doctor knew what was here, and they were all in terrible danger.  

“You want to know what’s here?” he asked, then answered his rhetorical question. “I’ll tell you. Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark. But they’re wrong, because it’s not irrational. It’s Vashta Nerada.”

Vashta Nerada.

Even without knowing what they were, the name sent a shiver down Rose’s back. As she watched the Doctor as he stood on the edge of the light, shining the torch into the darkness, she paid attention to his thoughts, and the shiver became a shudder.

Carnivorous shadows. Shadows that eat.

Jenny crossed the room to stand with her father, peering into the darkness with him, but Donna stood alone beneath the centre of the rotunda. “What’s Vashta Nerada?” she asked.

“It’s what’s in the dark,” the Doctor said, his quiet, tense voice matching the ominous words. “It’s what’s always in the dark.”

Rose spun around, looking at the archaeology team who were all staring at the Doctor. “Lights!” she demanded. “The shadows are dangerous, so let’s fill this room with light.”

The Doctor nodded and tossed the torch to Mr. Lux as he strode back to the centre of the light. “Exactly right, Rose,” he said as he shrugged out of his coat and draped it over the circulation desk. “Form a circle. Safe area. Big as you can, lights pointing out.”

Melody nodded at her team. “Oi. Do as he says.”

“You’re not listening to this man?” Mr. Lux demanded.

Rose clenched her fists and took a few deep breaths; less than ten minutes in the presence of Mr. Lux, and already her patience was at its limit.

Melody rolled her eyes. “Obviously,” she said, with just a hint of an accent Rose couldn’t quite make out. She rattled off directions to the rest of her team quickly, delegating with the air of experience. “Anita, unpack the lights. Donna and Jenny can help. Other Dave, make sure the door’s secure, then help them if they aren’t done. Mr. Lux, put your helmet back on—block the visor. Proper Dave, find an active terminal. I want you to access the library database. See what you can find about what happened here a hundred years ago.”

She took a breath and looked at the Doctor and Rose before ducking behind the circulation desk. “And if I could talk to the two of you, over here?”

The Doctor and Rose exchanged a look before nodding and following Melody. Rose couldn’t help noticing that they were conveniently out of earshot of the rest of the group, as long as they kept their voices down.

“Doctor Pond, why am I the only one wearing my helmet?” Mr. Lux asked wearily.  

“I don’t fancy you,” she said blithely.

Rose swallowed a laugh at the impish expression on the mysterious young woman’s face. It had nothing to do with who she fancied—Doctor Pond was just tired of seeing Mr. Lux’s condescending expression every time she looked up. Rose didn’t blame her, but sadly, once he realised it wasn’t necessary, Mr. Lux removed his helmet.

The Doctor paused just before stepping behind the desk. “Don’t let your shadows cross,” he ordered. “Seriously, don’t even let them touch. Any of them could be infected.”

“How can a shadow be infected?” Other Dave asked.

You still haven’t really explained that part, Doctor, Rose pointed out.

He ran a hand through his hair. Let’s see what Doctor Pond has to say, then I’ll finish explaining the Vashta Nerada.

Donna watched the Doctor and Rose step off to the side with this strange woman while she and Jenny carried the lights Anita was unpacking to the middle of the room, setting them up in a circle. Doctor Pond’s opening assertion that she knew them had seemed a little far-fetched, but there was something familiar in the way she interacted with her crew, and after paying attention, Donna had figured it out—she sounded like the Doctor, the way he stepped into a situation and automatically took charge.

Plus, there was the way she’d turned to Rose for verification of the Doctor’s claim that they were in danger. That said a lot about how well she knew the couple.

“I know,” Jenny murmured, keeping her voice low. “It’s weird, isn’t it—meeting someone supposedly from your future?”

“Excuse me, can I help?” Miss Evangelista asked before Donna could reply to Jenny.

Other Dave had just joined them, and the smirk that passed between him and Anita really got under Donna’s skin.  

“No, we’re fine,” Anita said.  

The young personal assistant didn’t give up. “I could just you know, hold things.”

“No, really, we’re okay,” Other Dave insisted.

Miss Evangelista’s shoulders slumped and she walked off, joining her boss who was doing something with a handheld device. Donna watched for a moment as she tried to get Mr. Lux to give her something to do, but he just held up his hand—dismissing her just like the others had.

Donna scowled and stood up so she could confront Other Dave and Anita.  “Couldn’t she help?” she said sharply.

Jenny looked up from the nearly-finished circle of light, a faint smile on her face, and the approval emboldened Donna. She’d had enough experience in her life of being treated like she was useless. But at least she’d never been treated like that by her co-workers, unlike Miss Evangelista.

Other Dave shook his head. “Trust me. I just spent four days on a ship with that woman. She’s… er…”  

Anita sighed and cut in. “Couldn’t tell the difference between the escape pod and the bathroom. We had to go back for her.” She and Other Dave exchanged another grin. “Twice.”

Donna glared at the two, and they quickly looked away from her and went back to work getting the lights set up. Convinced she’d made it clear what she thought of their attitude, she looked for Miss Evangelista, hoping she could at least be of use making the other woman feel better, but Mr. Lux was talking to her.

Mr. Lux’s personal everything, she thought cynically. If the young woman was really as useless as Anita and Other Dave claimed, then she must be there to be eye candy. Donna gritted her teeth together. Three thousand years in the future, and nothing had changed.

oOoOoOoOo

The Doctor shoved his hands into his coat pockets and glared at Doctor Melody Pond. “Is there a point to this little meeting?” he bit out. “Because there are ten people, including the three of us, whose lives depend on me figuring out a way to get us out of here. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the exits are being cut off one by one.”

Rose nudged him with an elbow to the ribs, but he didn’t apologise. Standing in the dimly lit reading room on a planet that had been overrun by Vashta Nerada was frankly terrifying, and the fact that no one but Rose really seemed to be taking his concerns seriously only made it worse.

Melody Pond didn’t flinch in the face of his anger. She just smiled, a little sadly, and held up a wallet the Doctor immediately knew held a piece of psychic paper. “I just wanted to thank you for coming when I called.”  

“Oh, that was you?” the Doctor asked, even though he’d figured that out.

“Yes, that was me. Psychic paper is more reliable than super-charged mobile phones in certain parts of the universe.” Melody pursed her lips and looked at them. “I suspected, when you made that crack about archaeologists, that I might have gotten you even earlier than I realised. You don’t know who I am, do you?”

The Doctor and Rose exchanged a look. “Should we, Doctor Pond?” Rose asked.

Melody flinched at the title. “First of all, please call me Melody. Hearing you call me Doctor Pond is…” She shook her head. “It’s just weird.”  

“All right, Melody,” Rose agreed.

She was surprised when several of the tense lines around Melody’s eyes and mouth disappeared. Melody slid her psychic paper back into her bag. “And yes. You’ll know me, one day,” she assured them. “And I know anyone could say that, especially since you mentioned upfront that you’re time travellers—really, Doctor, you usually play that card a little closer to the vest.”

“She’s right, Doctor.”

“Oi!” The Doctor felt his lower lip protrude slightly, but he didn’t care if he was pouting. Rose was supposed to be on his side.

Melody winked at Rose. “You might be decades younger than when I know you, but I see not much has changed between now and then.”

The Doctor blinked at the casual implication that Melody knew they didn’t age, then shook his head quickly. “Yes, back to you knowing us in our future,” he cut in. “How can we believe you, since, as you pointed out, anyone could say that?”

Melody sighed. “You gave us all a code word, said it was something you’d only ever tell your closest friends and family, so we could use it if we met you this far out of order. I never thought I’d have to use it.” She clasped her hands in front of her, a picture that looked odd with the heavy gloves of her suit. “We’ve met a year or two out of order before, but never before you knew me…”

“What’s the code word?” Rose asked.

Melody took a deep breath and lowered her voice before speaking the words with solemnity. “Bad Wolf.”

[drunkwalkhme]

 soooo i’m hella bored ™ and i made this list with 50 facts about me that literally no one asked for 

here it is

1. I have always loved animals and i used to cry for not having a dog, until i got sophia 2. I wanted to be both a ballerina and a fairy when i was young, even though i was never very delicated 3. which leads to: I’m very clumsy. very very clumsy. i break and lose and ruin everything so don’t trust me your things pls 4. i usually smile a lot 5. i laugh at anything. and sometimes i actually do scream when i’m laughing. my friends are often embarassed 6. when i cry my face looks like a tomato. it gets very red and swollen. i wish i was exaggerating. 7. which means that when i blush it gets really obvious. 8. it took me years to be okay with my body and hair. i still struggle sometimes but i’m much happier with it now. 9. i literally have this deep connection with my mutuals and i do love them very much 10. i’m a slut for art in general. 11. i think have only been truly  in love once in my life. (but it’s happening a second time yayy i’m fucked) 12. i am very dramatic and emo and i make everything seem worse than it truly is. i annoy people a lot. sorry. 13. lazy queen? that’s me. 14. my best self is when i am near the ocean 15. i love roadtrips. the longer the better. but i just love being in th car in general. 16. i collect shells and movie tickets and fake owls (they all have names) 17. usually the signs that i have crushes on are leo, virgo or a libra. 18. i fucking love virgo. 19. i started to suspect about my sexuality because of katie mcgrath (morgana pendragon still owns my heart) 20. but i was only entirely sure when i had my first crush on a girl. this girl was my best friend. it was shitty, to say the least. 21. we’re still friends, i got over it and never told her. 22. i’m closest to my father than to my mother. he’s a virgo. 23. said that, my father found out about me being bi for himself after i started droping some hints. 24. we had a good talk and he was very nice about it 25. with my mother, on the other side, it was harder. she still doesen’t understand the concept of bissexual . i stopped trying to explain. 26. i have anxiety and should probably be on meds 27. i have some horrible migraines when i’m under too much stress 28. there are some friends i’ll probably never come out to 29. my first shakespeare was othello 30. i read hamlet because of a movie where helena bonham carter was ophelia 31. i also read twelfh night because she was olivia. my shakespeare obsession is entirely her fault. 32. she was probably my first crush but i didn’t realize it back then 33. i made my best friends watch sweeney todd with me and now they know all the songs 34. i usually like musicals. les mis is my fave. 35. i love singing. even though i’m bad, i love it. 36. i never had a official date 37. i love wine and beer. 38. when i’m drunk i am the most annoying person in the world. i wont shut up and i get extremely clingy with people i love 39. i always remember everyting i do when drunk 40. i am always either too loudo or too quiet 41. my favorite things apart from art are basically nature (specially the ocean and flowers) and sleeping 42. usually i am very touchy with people i like, unless they don’t like it 43. if you do like it, i could keep hugging you a whole day. clingy bitch. 44. i used to be those very smart kids until i grew up and oops, i don’t think so 45. i started writting because i wanted to creat stories my dolls could live in. the stories were trash but i had lots of fun and still have the notebook where i wrote them. 46. i’m INFP 47. which means i was always kind of a loner, even though i love people. i just need to be alone to be okay sometimes 48. i take pictures of every fucking thing that appears in front of me 49. my best day ever was when i saw florence live 50. i love pizza. and icecream. and fruits.

[newhologram]

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p 

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think. 

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis  1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse. 

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go.   Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own.  Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment. 

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit. 

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite.  Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers.  On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games.  Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor.  Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed.  1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings. 

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry.  Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate 

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops. 

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler. 

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated. 

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little. 

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing. 

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like  Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January  Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day. 

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week. 

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

 I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

[irishsaints]

I reblogged someone doing a q&a ages ago but here have some things about me.

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with? hmm. good question. might be my ex. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? you know, i used to think i was shy, but i think i’m actually kind of outgoing. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my best buds in the world, k & j- k when she comes down for pride in the spring, j when i fly down to dc for a fellow hockey friend’s wedding 4. Are you easy to get along with? yep! 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? woof i don’t know my heart is in ten different directions right now haha. probably yes though 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? kind people. also broken people. funny people. warm people. honest people. people with different perspectives than mine. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? almost certainly not. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? nathan dales, at the moment. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not particularly 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? ooh, connor, from the party. we talked about what it’s like being a cop in brooklyn, and what the perspective of a cop is on a stranger reaching for an unknown object in their pocket looks like. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “y’all have been SLEEPING on letterkenny i’m telling you” 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? mm- thinking of you, kesha; 11 minutes, halsey & yungblud; dont call me up, mabel; love me, forest blakk; high hopes, panic! at the disco 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? yes absolutely 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? sometimes? i think luck and miracles happen, but i think they’re sort of dictated by fate- they happen when they’re MEANT to happen, no sooner, no later. 15. What good thing happened this summer? this past summer? hm. i got to jump ponies again. i ran farther than i had ever run before. i pushed past my own limits. i found my courage again. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes i would. he was pretty. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? given the size of the galaxy and the universe outside of earth? almost certainly. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? my first crush? fuck no, i wouldn’t know where to find that kid. i’ve TRIED to find him on facebook haha. 19. Do you like bubble baths? yes, i adore them. 20. Do you like your neighbors? for the most part, they’re not awful. 21. What are you bad habits? i bite my nails. i pick at scabs until i leave scars. i gnaw on the insides of my lip. i drink until i either pass out or black out (when i do drink) 22. Where would you like to travel? iceland. back to ireland. australia, new zealand. back to india. cote d’ivoire. bangladesh. kenya. mozambique. canada. 23. Do you have trust issues? off and on. not as much as i used to, but still in some ways. less in others. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? right now, a toss up between doing my eyeshadow and brewing my morning coffee. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my tummy at the moment. 26. What do you do when you wake up? blearily stumble to the bathroom to determine how much product i need to put in my hair that day, and then pee. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? probably a smidge darker, then i wouldn’t burn so much i don’t think. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? my best friends. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? not so far. but i broke up with all of them so *shrug* 30. Do you ever want to get married? i think one day, yes 31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? no it is not 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? oh no. this is not a fair question! in fact i really hate this question. uhhhhhhhhhhhh. UHM. FUCK. assuming this threesome doesnt ruin a perfectly good celebrity marriage or relationship- putting jared keeso on this list bc something tells me he’d be down for a threesome- and uhhhh- tessa thompson, i think.  33. Spell your name with your chin. nellie 34. Do you play sports? What sports? hockey is the one i still “play”- i used to play rugby too. i still ride ponies sometimes. i run a lot. and i row. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without tv. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? probably 37. What do you say during awkward silences? i usually revert back to the weather or talk about something funny on the internet 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? no because i don’t have one right now 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? oddly? anthropologie even though it’s not really my style at all?? 40. What do you want to do after high school? ??????? after high school????? i’m not in high school anymore but okay?????? i want to go to college and then get a job????? 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? most of the time, yep 42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean? hm either i’m thinking, busy, or i have a migraine. or i’m listening. 43. Do you smile at strangers? sometimes. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. the bottom of the ocean is horrifying. things down there fall into the “put that thing back where it came from or so help me” category. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? my alarm, mostly. and panic about being late to work. 46. What are you paranoid about? being late to work, despite the fact that i am an hour earlier than most of my coworkers. 47. Have you ever been high? ...yes? i’m in my mid 20s? 48. Have you ever been drunk? yes...? again, in my mid twenties? 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not recently, no 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? gray, i think 51. Ever wished you were someone else? once in a while, sure 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my nose. 53. Favourite makeup brand? e.l.f. right now 54. Favourite store? didn’t you ask me this not that long ago? see #39 55. Favourite blog? oh for real? do you know how many friends i have on here, and how many awesome blogs they have? i don’t have just one favorite okay 56. Favourite colour? deep green- like a forest green 57. Favourite food? risotto, probably 58. Last thing you ate? microwaved chicken enchilada 59. First thing you ate this morning? smoothie and bagel 60. Ever won a competition? For what? uh i’ve probably gotten a blue ribbon at a horse show before 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? you know, i don’t think i ever have 62. Been arrested? For what? nope! 63. Ever been in love? yep 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? oh! we were on our annual school walk through the local state park, and we got to to top of the mountain in between two big groups, so we had the very top all to ourselves and could see out over the valley, and he pulled me close to him and kissed me right on top of the mountain in the early autumn air in new england, surrounded by orange and red and yellow leaves, with the river rushing below us. it was nice. 65. Are you hungry right now? yep. i should go make dinner probably 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t think i like them more, but i’d say i like them equally 67. Facebook or Twitter? mmm facebook i guess 68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr i guess 69. Are you watching tv right now? no? i’m here? 70. Names of your bestfriends? this seems very personal about my friends, i’m going to pass on this one. 71. Craving something? What? pirate’s booty. and sleep. like ten years of sleep. 72. What colour are your towels? one is navy blue and two are green. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yep, just one, a stuffed buffalo 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? here in boston, just the one. at my parents’ home/where i grew up, an entire chest full- at least 20, if not more 75. Favourite animal? horses 76. What colour is your underwear? red 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? both 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? mint chocolate chip 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black and yellow and blue 80. What colour pants? black 81. Favourite tv show? currently, letterkenny 82. Favourite movie? well for a long time it was the silver stallion: king of the wild brumbies; now it’s mad max fury road 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? what the fuck are you on about, mean girls 2? that shit ain’t real. that’s a copy cat. Mean Girls, all the way. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? mean girls. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? janice ian.  86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? well nemo, duh. 87. First person you talked to today? my co worker, mara. 88. Last person you talked to today? well, it’ll probably be my roommate, katie, but if not, it’ll be the gal who waxes my eyebrows, aly. 89. Name a person you hate? my ex-ex. not my most recent ex, but the one before that. that bitch i fucking hate. she’s goddamned garbage. 90. Name a person you love? my mom! 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? i could probably name a few 92. In a fight with someone? not that i can think of 93. How many sweatpants do you have? hm maybe 8 pairs? 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? oooh probably like 10 or 12 pairs 95. Last movie you watched? Captain Marvel 96. Favourite actress? Charlize Theron probably 97. Favourite actor? oh no. Tom Hardy is at the top of the list for sure 98. Do you tan a lot? HAH. i have irish (read: VERY PALE) skin. i do not tan. i just burn, and then go back to being VERY PALE. 99. Have any pets? yep! a dog and a horse. 100. How are you feeling? tired. emotionally exhausted. mentally exhausted. 101. Do you type fast? yep. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? in some ways, yes. in some ways, no. i firmly believe everything i’ve been through has shaped who i am now, but i wish like hell i didn’t have to go through some of it 103. Can you spell well? yep 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yeah there’s a few people 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes indeed 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yep 107. Have you ever been on a horse? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes, yes i have 108. What should you be doing? cooking dinner probably 109. Is something irritating you right now? probably 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? probably 111. Do you have trust issues? sort of ? 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my therapist 113. What was your childhood nickname? nellie sort of is a childhood nickname? but i also went by nell bell a lot, and nelly fertado, which i hated. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes i have 115. Do you play the Wii? nope 116. Are you listening to music right now? nope 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes! i love it! 118. Do you like Chinese food? yes! 119. Favourite book? oh this is hard. The Stand, by Stephen King, is a classic 120. Are you afraid of the dark? not anymore 121. Are you mean? i can be sometimes. 122. Is cheating ever okay? NO. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i mean yeah, but not for forever. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? mmm. i don’t think so. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? kind of? 127. What makes you happy? running. food. a good tv show. a great movie with incredible cinematography and music to match. 128. Would you change your name? um. maybe? idk. i try not to wander down that path too often 129. What your zodiac sign? sagittarius 130. Do you like subway? like...the fast food chain? no. god no. ew. hard no. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? hm. i feel like this has happened to me/is happening to me/happens to me? i sort of ignore it and pretend it’s not happening? 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? errrr. either my best friend or my therapist. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? probably the entirety of thinking of you, by kesha. 134. Can you count to one million? i mean can i? yeah sure i CAN. do i WANT to or have the time, patience, or energy? likely not. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? honestly would not be able to tell you because it was probably that dumb. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed 137. How tall are you? 5′1′’  138. Curly or Straight hair? straight 139. Brunette or Blonde? naturally brunette but currently blue, or as my stylist says “a color that is not naturally appearing in the world” 140. Summer or Winter? summer 141. Night or Day? daytime 142. Favourite month? october i think. or maybe may. 143. Are you a vegetarian? hard no. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk chocolate 145. Tea or Coffee? coffee 146. Was today a good day? eh, it was alright. long, mostly. 147. Mars or Snickers? snickers i guess 148. What’s your favourite quote? The full quote is “But for everyone, surely, what we have gone through in this period - I am addressing myself to the School - surely from this period of ten months this is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”- Winston Churchill, at the Harrow School in 1941. My favorite bits are italicized. 149. Do you believe in ghosts? mmm. spirits. forces that might still exist on this planet, long after their bodies are not. souls that haven’t moved on yet, for whatever reason. i don’t think they’re here to haunt us. but they haven’t found their way on to whatever’s next yet, either. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? good morning.

[procrastidating]

im obsessed w myself

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I keep my cereal dry and have a glass of milk w it maybe? I eat cereal with my hands like a 2 y/o so

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Hell yeah sign me the fuck UP.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

Usually papers or sticky notes and paper clips but I don't clip the page bc thats cruel and unusual

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I take tea black and like maybe cream if I'm feeling it. Sugar always ruins it for me

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Not really? Sometimes if I'm getting teeth brushing compulsions but those are less and I laugh too much to hide my smile anyway

6: do you keep plants?

Absolutely I have a spider plant and a succulent

7: do you name your plants?

Laura and Levi ride or die motherfuckers

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Sometimes writing songs/poems, and I used to make a clay sculptures when that was my shit but I don't like to talk about those or show them to people.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Hell yeah or lip syncing aggressively and dancing so I don't bug people on my hall

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

My stomach, occasionally back or side. Sometimes standing up.

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

That I'm a triplet with two of my friends who are actually twins! Many more but too complicated to explain

12: what's your favorite planet?

Used to be Neptune but I had to research Uranus once and it fucking sucks that it's always a punchline because it's hella cool and rotates on it's side like it's lying down and I RELATE

13: what's something that made you smile today?

the ducks on my morning walk :)

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

Probably cozy but clean and they'd make it hipster and fashionable and I just want a nice bed and shower

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

URANUS ROTATES ON ITS SIDE AND DESERVES RESPECT U FUCKS

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

penne pasta with anything and everything

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

Terrifying. No. As a joke? Black.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

I walked off the edge of a skate half pipe in like 8th grade and I can't escape the ridicule.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

Since like 2006 I've recorded everything. I write what happens and songs and poems and doodles of events that happened instead of describing them sometimes.

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Why the fuck would I have a favorite eye color. Color is the least interesting thing about someone's eyes

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

My blue bag is just big enough to fit a journal, sunglasses, pain meds, and water which is my survival kit and it constantly saves my life.

22: are you a morning person?

I'm an extreme morning person to an embarrassing degree

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

I LOVE TO DO NOTHING. eat and walk around and then put three dogs on my lap and never move again

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. Last time I had told one person almost every secret about me but they were on a plane to see their priest before I even finished so like fuck that not worth it byeee :))))

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

An old meeting hall and hung out in it in the middle of the night I guess? Lots of trespassing mostly

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

Crocs. Also f this question?

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Never had gum so bite me

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise.

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

INVOLUNTARY GIGGLES. Best people

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

yes.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

Love my socks like good pals and I'd never sleep with out em!

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

Those are stories just for us.

33: what's your fave pastry?

I'm NE trash and it's donuts

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

My sock monkey jocko, MVP of my goddamn life. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I have nice pens and nice stationary and I use it frequently but I don't have a variety of them. Just what I like.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

Elvis. Dance and ballads always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

Clean but the chaos that sometimes happens let's me make note of my mental state with external indicators

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Just don't be mean to people you think are less smart than you. That's. Bullshit. Everyone knows something you don't.

39: what color do you wear the most?

Dark blue

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

My watch. I like to know the fucking time.

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?

Glass castle lived to the hype

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I was trying to look up the name of my favorite shop in a’dam it was literal perfection and they had the best nachos and deff didnt sell coffee.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

I know its happened more recently than this but I was just reminded of when I watched shooting stars last august on the last night of camp and that was a beautiful night. human connection is the best dude.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

Summer camp night :) because the last time before that was like age 10 so no fucking wonder im going back

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

hell yeah I’m so fucking smart. But if I have migraine brain my good instincts leave me

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

meat puns are a rare medium well done!

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

none? food thats like also literal poison maybe? if you dont like a food dont eat it man I’m chill.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

~thunder~ has carried over for sure but I was a pretty fearless kid and now a very fearful 20 something

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

COMPILATION CDS ARE MY SHIT! Like obscure dance music from the 00s and 90s, I recently bought 3 of those.

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

white rocks

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

this is so fucking obscure. I think of my dad and  pedal your blues away. 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the make a playlist one is making me laugh right now

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

I’ve seen em all and theyre all good! I can see why they all have cult followings although im not cult-y about any of them sry

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

ouch. no comment.

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

I declared myself queen of the school to demonstrate how dumb I thought class elections were.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

people that say your name/call you by a nickname! people that laugh at my jokes! people that like me! Its not very hard for me to become obsessed w you

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

no time for that and also im not in 10th grade anymore

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

I’m starting to get bored of these Qs

59: what's your favorite myth?

Abi Yo Yo. Is that a myth? do i give a fuck?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I like shel silverstein and everything else can go FUCK ITSSELF. also john donne and rumi etc etc leave me alone

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?

All my gift are kinda dumb and once lya gave me a rock and it was the tits

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

im allergic to that SHIT

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

im not meticulous about anything. main life flaw

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

hella grey. i love it.

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

Sean :( hopefully this summer!

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

what the FUCK. but also white daises bc theyre my fave flower okay leave me alone.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I go on walk and splash in puddles and stay outside as long as I can and then read and sleep!

68: what's winter like where you live?

endless and fantastic when the skiing is good

69: what are your favorite board games?

trouble

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

yeah but like also prob inaccurately 

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast cuz im classy 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

yup

73: what are some of your worst habits?

migraines, talking myself out of things

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

they are wild and loud but secretly so intelligent and thoughtful. They finally figured out thier haircut and I miss them everyday I’m without them because they are my home and my safety and sometimes I feel useless without them to anchor me.

75: tell us about your pets!

Ceilidh - sweet baby angel with too much strength and visits the neighbors and would kill anyone who tried to hurt me

Uma - cuddley as fuck but is not attached to anyone or anything and might run away and join the circus except her anxiety is off the fucking charts and she needs to protected

Wykeham - literal idiot with bad hearing and eyesight and shouldnt even be alive but he just wants to drink water and sleep all day preferably on your chest and he is so dumb though he also needs to be protected at all costs cause idk how he made it this far.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

so much

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

IM ALLERGIC TO THAT SHIT

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

I prefer indifference and non affiliation

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

light up a golf course at night to dance with me after a FIRST DATE. next level

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

after The Wallpaper i fought and painted them Canary Yellow which is bright as fuck and helps separate myself from the subdued Hell House outside the door

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

if the water in your sink was suddenly beautiful

82: are/were you good in school?

does it even matter if i am or was

83: what's some of your favorite album art?

idk but i really like join us by TMBG

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

unsure

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

no sorry

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

eh

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

harold and maude, TLM 2

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

COBRA

89: are you close to your parents?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Amsterdam is perfect and so is the netherlands and I love it there and I miss it.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

This year is just within US, MN, Chi, and Portland. Maybe sweden this winter.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

im on this earth for cheese

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?

uh none? short hair? shit whats a hairstyle?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Madeline!

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

Im SMing a show~

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

who has the time

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

INFJ, Aries, and i dont remember... it was gryffindor or hufflepuff

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

this morning. its my shit

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

unchained melody elvis version

honest truth typhoon

common sentiments typhoon

say you love me

comeback kid

so many more but i just wanna finish this

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

the future for SURE 5 years ago was shit thats why. even if the future is worse it still dont want to relive dating andy

[shadeof-sage]

I gotta do this. Nobody cares but I gotta do it

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? • "well, I didn't see this coming. Did you?" 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? • we don't really talk anymore. I don't really know what happened, but I wish our friendship wasn't ruined. 3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? • I'm down for them to be into anything except for meth 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? • nope. 5 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? • drunk cause New Year's Eve, baby 6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? •ohhh yeah. it's already happened twice this year 7. What does your last received text say? • "psst" 8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? • I can't remember an exact number but it was multiple times 9. Where was your last kiss at? • in my friends front yard 10. When is the last time you saw your sister? • last night when I got home 11. What do you drink in the morning? • tea, water, oj, and beer on a good day 12. Where did you sleep last night? • my bedaroo 13. Do you think relationships are hard? • they can be if the other person doesn't give equal effort 14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? • ohh yeah, the list is too long to type lol 15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? • nah. we'd most likely start talking about what happened with us. at least I'd hope that would be what happened. it could also just be silent. or, we'd get drunk and then talk about shit. lol 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? • raining while it's sunny!! 17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? • surprisingly, no. it's such a common middle name 18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? • boxer briefs that I stole from someone. they're comfy as hell 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? • who knows 20. Does anyone like you? • I'd like to think so 21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? • no, I don't think so 22. Is the last person you kissed gay? • haha no. that would be a plot twist 23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? • Donald Trump 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? • I plan on getting my whole body tatted 25. In the past week have you cried? • yes, in the shower 26. What breed was the last dog you saw? • a gorgeous German Shepard 27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? • in the shower 28. Have you ever kissed a football player? • 3. unfortunately. those lil fuckboys 29. Do you think you’re old? • my soul is old, but my body isn't 30. Do you like text messaging? •if I wasn't so shy, I'd definitely want to talk on the phone more. text messaging is a good safe zone 31. What type of day are you having? • I just woke up, I don't know yet 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? • it's been pierced 3 times. it never works out, although I do want to try it again someday 33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? • fucking warm as hell, r u kidding me 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? •hell yeah, multiple people 35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? • depends. some people are relationship worthy and some people are better as flings 36. Are you a simple or complicated person? • I'd like to think I'm a simple person, but I'm not 37. What song are you listening to? • palemote. it's from my sleep playlist 38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? • wholeheartedly. That's why i don't say it very often 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? • yeppers 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? • I don't really like anyone right now. 41. When did you last receive a text message? • 4 minutes ago 42. What is wrong with you right now? • haha, don't get me started 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? • she works with me and I've never seen her out of work, so not much 44. Does anyone disgust you? • Donald fucking trump 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? • depends who they were and if we have a connection 46. Are you in a good mood right now? • neutral 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? • my sister 48. What color shirt are you wearing? • a darkish blue 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? • yeah. this guy asked me on a date to the movies and it made me cringe a lil bit and I don't know how to get out of it 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? • nope. I don't give up on people. unless they want me out of their life completely 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? • no. I'm still in love with him actually. I can't really move on because I haven't had the closer that I need 52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? • you have no idea 53. Do you like rain? • I crave it 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? • nah, we'll having drinking competitions 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? • haha yep. but I didn't tell them because I was too afraid that I was going to get hurt 56. Do you like to cuddle? • I love it, I just can't fall asleep when cuddled 57. Are you shy? • depends on who the person is. I try not to be 58. Do you get along with girls? • yessss, all da girls are my friendz 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? • no, and I don't want to 60. What do you carry with you at all times? • haha, this one will be funny. i carry my wallet, 4 lighters, weed, a pipe, rolling papers, makeup bag, 2 chapsticks, something minty, eye drops, naproxen sodium (for nasty ass migraines), a flashlight, phone charger, a water bottle and an old spice container I put tequila in sometimes so I can have a little somethin somethin during the day 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? • GHOSTS! :D :D :D 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? • I've never even had a relationship in general, but I'd hope so lol 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? • nah, single as the pringles I was eatin 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? • yes, I'd cry a little bit on the inside 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? • probably. can't remember anything too special though 66. How old are the last three people you kissed? • hahaha. 21, 20, and 28 67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? • pay to get them done, I need those nice ass acrylics 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? • sheer print. heh. 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? • if I had a car, I'd have a shit load of stickers 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? • Luke Bryan makes me want to claw my ears off, so lil Wayne it is 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? • iPhone. Always. 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? • ew. 73. Do you like diet soda? • I don't like soda in general. except for sprite when my tummy hurts. 74. What color are the walls in your room? • boring and white 75. Are you 16 or older? • turned 18 a month ago, boyyyy 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? • I used to, now I think it's been carried out for too long so it bores me. 77. Do you have a job? • I got 2 78. What are your initials? • S.A.B. 79. Did you ever have braces? • yes, and I might need them again because my teeth hate me 80. Are you from the south? • nahh, Texans are hot as fuck though 81. What does your last status on facebook say? • it's a picture of the curly haired kid from Stranger Things pointing to a number on the wall that says "11" and the text above it says " on a scale of 1 to 10, how stressed out are you?" 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? • noooo, I don't even think he's alive. sadly 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? • I was closer to my mom. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm drifting away from both of them. 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? • I did gymnastics for 3 years when I was little 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? • split 86. Do you smoke? • not cigarettes but hella weed 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? • depends on the occasion because I look good in both 88. Is your phone touch screen? • nah, this iPhone is from 1999. it has a keyboard hooked into it 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? • since its growing out right now, the only way it looks good is if it's curly 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? • too many times to count 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? • all of the above 92. Have you ever made out in a car? • yes 93. …Had sex in a car? • nah, but I've given sloppy dick kisses multiple times in a car 94. Are you single or in a relationship? • been single since 1999 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? • fast the fuck asleep 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? • New Year's Eve 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? • it's not the bestest of the best. but it does its job 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? • yep. it never ends well and I end up losing that friend :( 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? • ugh. yes. I hate it 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? • no. they're probably blocked 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? • yeah, when I was 14. not good. I know 102. Name your favorite Kesha song: • sleazy. my go to song when I was 13. lmao 103. Do you have any tan lines right now? • yesssss and imma get more today 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? • I'd wear heels or doc martens with shorts. word.

[mymusingmonster-blog]

15 facts about MS

Multiple Sclerosis is not the easiest disease to deal with.  Our Central Nervous System is under attack by confused white blood cells, thinking it's some malformed thing.  Lesions occur, and there you go.  It is called The MonSter for a reason.

I am a mother, friend, sister, daughter, and I love my family.  They support me more than anyone ever has and inspire me to be my best every day.  Yet, it becomes difficult to explain different issues that I have in my disorder to them.  As helpful and supportive as they are, they can be a little insensitive without knowing it.  

I believe with the little knowledge present with Multiple Sclerosis, it makes it easy for people to misinterpret what is going on with us.  I hope with this list that I can help some people that deal with MS from the outside understand us a little better.  Please know you are loved and appreciated through and through for your sacrifices, trust me.

I recently saw a video titled "34 Truths People Who Get Migraines Wish Others Understood" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9IHj_iTuHw) and think this a really cool idea to bring some information out.  So, here goes!

1. I am not drunk.   Many people with MS have difficulty walking, staying steady, standing, etc. without their balance being off.  Another reason some people may assume there might be intoxication is that some people have slurred speech or difficulty speaking.  Just give us a minute, thanks.

2. I am not lazy.   Chronic fatigue is a very common symptom of multiple sclerosis.  It can be difficult for many people to get up, get out, run errands, etc.  On top of that, if the person suffers from psychological disorders such as depression, it makes it even worse.  If you see someone having issues with getting things done or cleaning, calmly offer to help.

3. I am not delusional.   Many of us can sympathize with how difficult getting our MS (or auto-immune diseases in general) diagnosed properly.  Doctors could interpret someone's issues as based in dehydration, anxiety, depression, or stress.  Yes, all of these maladies can cause some of the same issues a person with MS can have.  MS is a real disease with no cure.  Some research should clear this up, but a little empathy goes a long way.

4. I am not exaggerating. MS is painful.  We have to remember something important here when talking about MS.  Our white blood cells are causing lesions, messing up nerves all over our brain and spinal cord.  Nerve damage = pain.  It could be a headache, backache, painful spasms, etc.  Just make sure we are stocked up on Tylenol, Advil, etc.

5. I do not have ADD.   This is one I deal with a lot.  Staying on task, paying attention, and comprehending things is another issue someone with MS may have.  In my case, I usually have to ask someone to repeat something or write what they said down in a way that makes sense to my brain.

6. I will not eat Dorito's or sugar-free anything. MSG is still a thing, and it happens to make MS worse by increasing the damage in the brain or causing other painful symptoms.  It also has many aliases. The same is true with sucralose (Splendid) and other sugar substitutes.  There are some folks like me that restrict or change their diets to help fit their lifestyle to one that helps, not hurts them.  Please respect that, as you would someone with diabetes or a peanut allergy.

7. I am not (intentionally) procrastinating. This has a lot to do with the aforementioned chronic fatigue, and the difficulty concentrating.  Yet, anyone with chronic disease will tell you that it takes us more time to do the little things (look up. It may take you no time to get a few things at the grocery store, but for some, it may take a while, and not just because they are checking out sales. Self-discipline is definitely needed when trying to live with MS, but we may still come up short.  Understanding and patience are both needed here, obviously.

8. I am not faking.   Symptoms can come and go; we have good days and bad days.  They can even give us a break at different times of the day for different reasons.  It does not mean we are faking.  The MRI hasn't changed, sorry.  Be happy when we have those good days, and help us to stay positive during the bad times.

9. Yes, I forgot.  Memory is another crazy symptom with MS.  With holes in our brain, memory loss can happen.  For me, I am a writer so I can use my profession as an excuse for writing down everything you just said to me.  Notebooks, sticky notes, and pens are always good presents for us warriors with memory issues.

10. I am not fine.  People with MS and other chronic issues know that our problems can sometimes be a burden to others.  Whether you say it's okay or not, we will still feel bad.   It can feel like to us that we are ruining your life.  Yeah, and all you did was help us inside, or get that thing for them in the other room.  This is also a symptom of low confidence, and may not be helped by you.   10-2. This topic is also keen to people that simply do not look sick.  Sometimes it is easy to see we have a disease.  Other times it is not that easy.  Let's try and not judge people, k?

11. I cannot get over it.  Having MS is like having someone tinkering with your insides and not knowing where or when they will strike next.  I may say the wrong thing, misunderstand you, or do something else odd.  Laugh it off (with me) and let's move on.  There are people in this world that are overdramatic about what goes on with them.  It is annoying to deal with their antics and they can drain your whole world up like a sponge on steroids.  Most people with MS are not that way; chronic disease is not a ploy for attention.

12. Yes, I have to go to the bathroom again.  I have probably taken at least 10 bathroom breaks while writing this.  I am not going to delve into this but trust me, it's a thing.  Just point me to your bathroom, thanks.

13. No, I cannot do _____, I am having a bad MS day.  Please, don't expect normal functioning from us on bad days.  You will be lucky if we are out of bed, wearing pants or talking coherently.

14. Yes, _____ has MS.  No, my MS is not like theirs.  This is the most misunderstood thing I can see about MS.  Many people have MS, but every strain of MS is not the same.  Some have a different form of the disease.  Some may share symptoms, or not.  We all have messed up CNS' cause of our immune system, but just like me, my monster is an individual.

15. I am a fighter. We may be weak today, but our illness makes us strong.  Who we were prior to diagnosis is gone (trust me, I am still grieving).  We have transformed into a stronger version because of the MonSter.  We need your support, may want your help, but we never want pity.

Did you learn something new about MS? What is something you wish someone knew about MS that I did not mention? Please make a comment below if you want me to make a part 2 of this list!