#but whatever keeps me going i suppose :PP

[comfysofti]

Random night thought, because I can't fall asleep:

Sometimes i think it's ironic that the only thing preventing me from ending my life is my madness combat au. I'm working on it for around 3 years now. And since very first weeks of my work on it i promised myself, that no matter what, I won't let myself die, until i finish writing it

Now every time i think about ending my life i immediately think "hey, but i haven't finished my au yet! There's people out there who's waiting for it to be finished! I can't just abandon it!"

So here i am. 3 years later. Still writing it. Still alive :33

Even though i only now, slowly starting to share this au with the world, or rather pieces of it, seeing people enjoy it, only motivates me further to keep working on it and to keep living <33

(special thanks to those people who let me ramble to them about my au, as i work on it, and always tell me how much they love it, y'all giving me extra motivation!!!)

[toruro]

— ✧ mr. nice guy

pairing. hong joshua x reader

description. you thought your next-door neighbor was just being polite when he offered to help you carry in your boxes the first time you saw him, but as you adjust to your new home, you start to notice that joshua’s nice in other ways too: nice eyes, nice smile, nice arms, nice fingers, probably nice di—okay you get the point. but just how long can you go with lusting after your neighbor before giving in to your very much not-nice desires? well, lucky for you, joshua also isn’t nearly as much of a gentleman as he likes to let on.

✘ tags. smut (18+), neighbor!joshua, joshua's muscles deserve their own tag tbh, oral (f receiving), alcohol consumption (NOT drunk sex), petnames (sweetheart mostly :pp), biting, spit kink, unedited as always ✘ w/c. 5.3k ✘ a/n. i have had this idea in me for a WHILE so it's good to finally get it out! honestly i feel like the story is a little rushed but whatever

there's a gentle voice coming from in front of you, but with the way you’re holding the large box up right in front of your face, you can’t see who’s speaking. “do you need help with that?”

muscles straining and sweat beading down your skin, you manage to squeak out a quick, “yes please!” a wave of relief washing over your body as you feel the box grow infinitely lighter as this man’s arms wrap around the side. “thank you so much,” you say, still gripping onto the box as you slowly walk over and lead it to the front of your apartment door a few feet away. setting it down carefully, you look up so you can finally see the face of the angel who saved you so much trouble.

“no problem," he replies politely, and as your eyes flicker up, you're taken aback by his kind smile. "you new here?"

"did the moving boxes give it away?" you joke and the man cracks a hearty laugh.

"you got me there. i'm joshua," he tells you, and you think to yourself that there can't be a name for fitting for the man. he points over to the door across from yours. "i live right there, so i guess we'll be seeing each other a lot. what's your name?"

your name falls from your lips in a haze, internally thanking your lucky stars for finding yourself an apartment that was not only close to your work but also in close proximity someone as nice as joshua. "i guess so," you reply looking down the hallway where the movers had left the rest of your boxes. "i don't suppose you'd be down for another few boxes?" you ask hopefully, wincing at the way you're so shamelessly asking for help.

joshua chuckles at your expression and you feel that the ground might as well swallow you up whole. "it'd be my pleasure. it's not often i get new neighbors who are under the age of 50."

"i've noticed that...is there a reason the average age of the residents of place is like 60?" you ask curiously as you walk down to the end of the hallway to the boxes.

"not sure," joshua says. "i guess this place is just popular with them. not that i'm complaining. noisy neighbors are never a problem for me." he gives you an awry look, and you're a bit confused before he's jokes, "unless you plan on making that something i have to worry about now."

"no!" you reply a little too quickly, flustered by the way joshua is so easily coming up with conversation. it seems as if he's so smooth with everything, and with the way you have a million thoughts racing through your head—it's a it hard to keep up. "i mean, i don't do much or anything really," you clarify, reaching down to pick up one box while joshua goes to grab the other side.

"good to know," joshua tells you with a smile, and you try not to focus too much on the way that he grunts slightly when lifting up his end. "you're always welcome to come over to my place for a drink or something," he suggests as you begin walking over to your apartment.

smiling as you set down the box, you adjust your shirt and look up at him. "i'll think about it."

you, in fact, do think about joshua's offer. you think about it a lot.

you think about it that night when you carefully unpack your boxes. joshua's a nice guy, you think to yourself, because it's not often you come across such a person who's willing to give you an hour of their day to help carry heavy ass boxes for someone they barely know.

you think about it two mornings later when you're walking down the hallway with your groceries for the week only to find joshua about to enter his own apartment, clad in a tight fit t-shirt and gym shorts. his skin glows with layer of sheen sweat, his light brown hair pressing against his forehead in an oddly fitting mess. his breath is slightly labored when you call out his name instinctively, turning to look at you with bright eyes.

"hey, how's it going?" he's polite. joshua is polite, and a gentleman. you almost feel guilty when your eyes dart to the arms when the muscles flex as he brings up a hand to grab one of your grocery bags, insisting that it was his pleasure to help you out. something along the lines of, "i just got back from my work out and i can't help a pretty lady with her bags?"

pretty lady. you hope he can attribute your burning cheeks to the hot sun and not his words, because holy shit does he have your stomach doing tumbles. after all, joshua's just being polite right? right?

you think about his offer again three evenings later. you're just leaving your apartment to go on a walk, and joshua seems to have some people over, five boys knocking on his front door, where there seems to be more boys on the other side. you quickly glance at each other as you slip out of your apartment, hoping to hobble off quickly before things get more awkward, but then there's that door opening and you hear joshua's voice and you falter in your tracks for a moment at the way he calls you name so smoothly.

you turn around to face him as his friends slowly shuffle into his apartment, joshua leaning against the doorframe with a bottle of beer. he holds it up and raises a brow and fuck—if you don't stare at the way the bottle is perched between his perfect, thick fingers—fuck. "you wanna join?"

you want to. fuck, you really want to. so why do the words, the simple phrase of, "yeah sure," fall flat on your tongue? maybe it comes from the embarrassment of lusting over a man you hardly know. from the humiliation of letting your eyes dart towards his arms, his hands, his fingers, joshua's collarbone and the little adam's apple that bobs up when he takes a sip of his beer.

"i, uh, i was just going on a walk right now," you tell him, your voice sounding meek and you want to cringe at the poorly planned response. joshua chuckles, and you aren't sure why.

"you don't wanna come? aw, you're hurting my feelings," he coos.

"no! that's not what i meant," you say quickly, averting your gaze from joshua because the way he's peering down at you right now—god, you don't know if you want to go up to him and fall straight to your knees and suck him off or turn around and run away out of pure humiliation. "i just—you know—walks. go on them every day," you try to explain haphazardly.

"no it's okay, i get it," he replies before looking into his apartment when one of his friends yells out his name, "it's bit rowdy in here anyways, so i don't blame you." there's an awkward sort of silence that settles between you and the air is thick as you debate if you should turn around and leave right about now. "i don't suppose you'd want to stop by after your walk?" he asks hopefully, and you figure this is his way of giving you a second chance.

this time, you look up at him and smile. "i'll think about it."

except this time you actually think about, not just sit and wonder of the possibilities. as you pace down the street, your one hour walk that usually make time fly now seems to feel like the longest sixty minutes of your life. you come down to two possibilities at the end of it:

1. you don't show up and joshua thinks you're an indecisive bitch

2. you do show up, have a good time, and things are left at that

of course, putting it like that only really leaves you with one choice to choose, that being the latter. knowing that your own conscience won't let you live it down if you don't end up choosing the latter, you march up to joshua's apartment with a slowly diminishing confidence. yeah, you're eager to see where this night will take you, but you're also not necessarily confident that you're anxiousness won't betray you.

it's just that joshua is so nice and so kind and he has you thinking so many thoughts that your words always seem to jumble up into an incoherent mess whenever he speaks to you. all you can really ever think about when you see him is—well—all of him, which includes his nice smile, his nice muscles, his nice—okay, shit, you really need to control yourself.

doing what little mind-clearing exercises you can cram into the time it takes you to get up to your floor, you're pretty sure your breath is labored from how hard you're thinking alone. before you have any time to let yourself back out of this, you're rushing up to joshua's door, knocking maybe a little too desperately.

in the next moment, you have time to listen in on the other side, the room being quieter than you remember it being an hour ago. all that can be heard is some soft shuffling that can only be identified as joshua's footsteps, and before you know the door is opening, the one and only standing in front of you.

"there she is," joshua greets with a smile, "low and behold!"

the tips of your ears burn at his welcoming, stepping back a little. "h-hi," you murmur quickly, the responses that you planned in your head earlier seemingly fading away in your mind. "is that offer for a drink still on the table?" you ask hopefully, chewing on your bottom lip as you wait for an answer.

"'course it is," he replies. "i was waiting for you to come to your senses," he continues, stepping to the side so you can slip off your shoes and step in, realizing now that all his friends have left leaving only you two. you follow in after him, your eyes glazing over his apartment. it's got the same layout as yours, as expected, only it's mirrored. it's slightly messy, presumably from the mess his friends left from before, but the set up is neat and you can tell joshua has a good eye for color.

"i like those paintings up on the wall," you comment, pointing at a set of wall art hung above his sofa. joshua looks up at it before smiling softly and nodding, walking to the kitchen as you trail behind him.

"thank you, one of my friends that was here earlier got it for me. he's great at interior design, if you're ever looking for someone," he tells you, reaching for the fridge and pulling out a cool bottle of beer. "here," he says, handing it to you before grabbing a bottle opener and popping off the cap for you. holding it out in front of you, you're able to watch his hands up close—they're big and veiny and fuck, you'd be lying if you said you didn't press your thighs together slightly.

you aren't sure joshua notices, and if he does, he doesn't make it obvious. "thank you," you murmur softly, letting him step back and put the opener away before he leads you to the living room. you settle down on one end of the couch, and instead of opting to sit on the arm chair, joshua just sits on the opposite end. throwing his hands back so they lean on the arm rest and the back of the couch, his biceps are stretched out and on display thanks to his short sleeve t-shirt.

"so," joshua begins as he grabs his own beer and brings it up to his lips, "how do you like it here?"

you take your own sip of the cool liquid before responding, "it's hardly been a week...but i like it. it's peaceful, and i like the neighborhood."

"yeah, the people are nice," joshua agrees. you're nice, you think. "how was moving in?"

"i'm still honestly unpacking," you chuckle to yourself, feeling more comfortable now that there's casual conversation being initiated. "i have a bunch of clothes at my friend's place that i still need to pick up," you explain, leaning back into the plush cushions.

"you need help bringing them in? i can lend a hand if you need."

your stomach tumbles at his generosity, but you shake your head. "ah, you've already helped me so much, i don't think that's fair."

"oh c'mon," joshua counters, "you can pay me back with something if that'll make you feel better."

you raise a brow. "now how would i do that? you got venmo?" you tease.

"i was thinking of something a little less materialistic," joshua replies with a roll of his eyes, and you think you might just combust on the spot.

you aren't exactly sure what he means by that until you bring your eyes to meet his and that's when you see it. how his eyes darken, how he gulps even though he hasn't taken a sip of his drink, how he shifts in his seat. suddenly, you're dawned with the realization that on your walk, you left out the option for a third possibility, a.k.a. you do show up, have a good time, and then have joshua rail you into the next dimension.

gaining confidence, you cross your legs over each other and turn to face him better, deciding to go along. "huh..." your voice trails off. "i'm not quite sure what you mean by that joshua," and you swear you hear his breath hitch when you say his name.

he regains composure so quickly it's hard to tell you even threw him off guard in the first place. "i'm not really sure actually. you have anything to offer?"

you shrug as you set down your beer at the coffee table by your feet. "i make a mean maple cake, if you're into sweet stuff." joshua perks up at that.

"i do have a sweet tooth," he mumbles to himself, pretending to be in thought as he follows your movements, pushing his bottle to the side. "that's gonna take a while though," he says solemnly, "you're gonna have to get the ingredients...make the cake...bring it to me...sounds like a lot of work for you..." his voice trails off, and then he's tossing you that look again.

joshua figures you're both definitely on the same page by now and there's no point leaving the tension between his go unrelieved for any longer than he has to, and before you know it he's reaching one strong arm over to grab your wrist, pulling you into his hold so he can kiss you fiercely.

his lips are soft, but the way he's pushing against you, sucking, nipping, running his tongue along you is all but gentle. with joshua's arms leaving your hands and instead running up the sides of your waist, pulling you in roughly, you gasp into his mouth, allowing him the chance to slip his tongue against yours, tasting you, feeling you, being one with you.

one hand comes up to cup the side of your face, tilting your head slightly so he can push his lips against yours harder, his tongue sinking deeper to explore the caverns of your mouth. when he pulls away, you both share heaving breaths of air, mouths connected with a string of saliva before he's leaning back in and capturing you once more.

his other hand on your waist gently nudges you and you're falling back onto the cushions, head hitting one of the pillows as he crawls into the space between your legs. inching up his knee until his thick thigh is pressing up against your pounding core, easing the tension that he's been so carefully building up.

joshua noticed it. the way your eyes lingered on his arms, his fingers—noticed the sparkle in your eyes followed by the immediate embarrassment of your own thoughts. he's not sure if you're just easy to read or if he's just good at reading you but whatever it is, you're an open book to him and fuck it's so cute it has him going crazy.

you whine against his lips, rocking into him to the best of you abilities while you're pinned beneath him. there isn't much space to move around in the little corner of this couch, but you hardly pay mind to the inconvenience when joshua peels his lips and thigh away from you. "ha—no," you gasp out, hips chasing the relief the hard muscle provided. joshua chuckles, shaking his head as you pout.

"relax baby," he coos, and the pet name has you shivering under his touch as he inches his body down the length of the couch until his upper body rests between your thighs, face dangerously close to your gaping cunt. "be patient, okay?" he orders, and you nod your head quickly in agreement. joshua traces his fingers from your knees achingly slow up to the hem of your denim shorts, slipping under the cloth only slightly, leaving you nearly begging for more.

"josh—shua—fuck, more, please?" you choke out, voice broken from pure desperation. joshua clicks his tongue at you, flashing a warning look which shuts your lips real tight as he reaches up to unbutton the shorts. you quickly reach down, helping him out, but he swats your hands away.

"can you keep your hands up for me sweetheart?" he asks so fucking sweetly you almost forget about the mischievous glint that flashes in his eyes.

"uh-huh," you mumble, slowly lifting your hands above your head, gripping onto the armrest of the couch to brace yourself. in the meantime, joshua unzips and yanks your shorts off, tossing them to the side so they fall somewhere in the room. staring down at your now exposed and soiled panties, you hear joshua suck in a breath.

"all this for me sweetheart?" he murmurs, bring two fingers up to lightly pinch your clit, causing you to jerk against his hold.

"all for you," you affirm nearly immediately, squirming when he takes one finger and tuns it down the midline of the fabric. joshua's eyes are gaping down at your core, nearly in the shape of hearts as his mind races with the idea of how you're already so undone, so desperate, so far gone for him. slowly but surely, he hooks one finger on each side of the waist band, peeling your panties off and exposing your dripping folds.

joshua nearly groans at the site of you clenching around nothing, saying, "fuck baby, you're gonna soak my couch."

"s-sorry," you stutter out, averting your gaze so you don't have the chance to look at the mess you've made.

"don't apologize...it's hot as hell." he pauses, then looks up at you. "you mind if i get a taste?"

"god, fuck yes—i mean no—wait," you babble, "i mean—shit—i don't mind, not at all."

joshua's heart swells at your response, waisting no time dipping his head between your thighs and pressing his tongue flat against your folds. you cry out at the warmth and friction, instinctively shooting one hand down to grab at his hair. within seconds, he's pulling his head back and giving you a stern look. "what'd i say sweetheart?"

"hands, sorry." you quickly pull your fingers back and return them to their hold on the couch.

"there you go sweetheart," joshua mumbles before diving back in, wrapping his arms under and around your thighs to hold you in your place. you can nearly feel his muscles bulge against your leg and you twitch against his mouth at the thought. meanwhile, joshua runs his tongue up and down, going and back and forth between hardening at and circling it around your hole before moving up and wrapping his lips around your clit and flicking his tongue over it.

the erratic, unpredictable movements have your back arching off the couch within minutes, moaning out words like, "feels so good joshua," along with quite curses as you attempt to keep your voice down. it hardly takes a few minutes before you're writhing under him, joshua pulling back with his lips and chin coated in a sticky wetness with a grin.

"you look so pretty baby," he compliments, using one hand to continue to rub between your folds and circle around your clit, never halting the shoots of pleasure through your spine. his eyes are flickering between yours and core, and then holy shit, his lips contort for a moment and then he's spitting on your already soaked pussy and the act is so demeaning and dirty and hot that you hardly comprehend the next words that come out of joshua's mouth. "so do you wanna cum now, or on my cock?" he offers, and you figure there's a right answer and a wrong one, but you don't have the brain capacity right now to think about which is which.

pouting, you respond, "c-can't i have both?"

that must be the right answer, because it has joshua beaming at you, smiling against your pussy as he slips two fingers into you and presses his mouth on your clit. jerking your hips up, joshua follows the swivel of your lower half, matching the thrusts and flicks of his wrist to your own movements so his fingers are hitting deeper and deeper every time. you think you're close, but when he's curling his digits inside of you and sucking hard on your nub you know it's coming.

you don't have time to warn joshua about your impending orgasm but the way your walls hug his fingers so fucking tight is warning enough, and he speeds up both his fingers and the flicking of his tongue to the point where you're on the brink of tears as he finger fucks you through your high. humming in appreciation at the way you call out his name as you do, he releases your clit with a filthy 'pop' sound, fingers taking a moment to gently slip out of you as you come down from your high.

"you did so good angel," joshua praises, pressing kisses along your inner thigh, smearing your skin in the mixture of your own cum and his saliva. your breaths are far too erratic for you to respond, but the way you look up at him with heavy eyelids through thick, glossy lashes tells joshua all he needs to know. unraveling his arms around you, he bring himself up and guides your legs to wrap around his bare torso—shit, wait, when did he take his shirt off.

gaping at this man who could quite literally be god, you can't even comprehend what's going on until you're being carried into a whole new room, joshua throwing you onto his bed, the messy covers bunching up around you. he stands at the edge, unbuckling his belt at a painfully slow rate. quickly scrambling up from your laying back position, you crawl to the spot in front of him and help unbutton his jeans. "already wanting more, huh?" he teases, but doesn't push you away, rather putting his hands to his side to watch you do the work yourself. you don't respond, taking this chance to grab both his jeans and boxers, pulling them down in one go.

joshua's cock springs out, thick and beaming with a bead of precum that dribbles off the tip, lightly hitting your face in the process. your mind is foggy and you look up at him with dreamy eyes as you absentmindedly open your mouth and close your lips around his bulbous tip, lapping at the precum. joshua doesn't hesitate to grab at your hair and pull you off of him, and for a moment you're scared you've done something wrong, getting pulled out of your haze.

but then you catch the way his voice drops an octave when he says, "slow down," and your worries are put at ease. "we can do that another time. wanna feel your cunt." another time. those words ring in your head. there's going to be another time. you ponder on that thought for a moment and then you recall the next of what he says and you look up at him with these doe eyes that joshua finds so fucking adorable, he'd be surprised if you don't see his dick twitching.

crawling onto the mattress, your limbs intertwine in a hot mess so that one of your legs is hooked around his torso while the other rests between his knees under him. it's a slightly awkward position, but the thought hardly crosses either of your minds once his fat tip his sliding between your drooling folds teasingly, before you're begging, "c'mon joshie, stick it in, please—need it now."

now joshua isn't one to usually give in—he's good at maintaining his patience. yet, the way you mumble out his nickname as if there isn't a single thought in your pretty head has his mind going numb, losing all semblance of self control until he can't help but sink his full length into you.

and joshua knows he's big, and looking down at how you nearly shake beneath him, it's confirmed that this is a lot for you. he almost feels bad at the way tears stream down your cheek, considering pulling out and pressing kisses along your face until you're ready to try again but then you're saying his name like that—"joshie, joshie, joshie"—and he just knows that neither of you would be satisfied until he's balls deep inside of you.

"takin'—god, fuck—takin' me like a pro, huh sweetheart?" joshua finally finds it in him to grunt out with out his voice wavering from the way you hug him so well.

"yeah-huh," you nod along, holding up your hand in a grabbing motion, joshua not hesitating to hold your hand in his so you can squeeze it tight while you work through the initial stretch. "you're so big, joshie."

"yeah," he breaths out a laugh. "you like it?" he groans, slipping out around halfway, giving you a chance to breathe, before he's shallowly thrusting back into you. "like me stretching out this pretty fucking pussy?" you nod dumbly, and your jaw gyrates as you try to form a response but no words come out, strangled syllables morphing into pornographic moans as joshua begins to drag his cock out further each time, plunging it deeper and deeper as he goes on.

"oh my god," you're finally able to babble, tits bouncing back and forth as joshua begins jamming his hips into yours with increasing force. the sounds of your wet pussy colliding with his cock bounce off the walls and if it isn't the filthiest thing you've ever heard, you don't know what is.

joshua latches one arm to your hip, the other continuing to hold yours as he pins it by your neck and shifting his body over you so his head hovers above yours. this new angle his his cock ramming hard down onto a spot that has you biting down onto your lips and crying out, "fuck, joshie!"

"you're squeezing me so tight," joshua moans as you rake one hand down his back. "suckin' me in, god i can't get enough, sweetheart," he grunts out, dropping his head down to bury it in the crook of your neck as he continues to pound into you. your body feels as if it's on fire in the best way possible, and with the way joshua is pressing open mouthed kisses onto your sticky skin has your hips lifting to meet his sharp strokes.

you feel as if things can't get any better and then you feel his teeth bite down into your flesh and your eyes roll to the fucking back of your head as the pain quickly shoots to pleasure when he sucks on the spot, the patch of skin throbbing—pulsing. "'m so close, joshie," you moan as he pullings away, looking down at your fucked out face. your eyes are droopy and shutting tight every time he fucks into you, mouth slightly agape and never fully closing.

he isn't sure what urges him to do it but then he's shoving three fingers into your mouth and joshua thinks that this might just be true love at the way you don't even hesitate a second to circle your lips against them and run your tongue against them. drool dribbles down your lips as you suck on his fingers and joshua's mind is consumed with the thought of your mouth doing that to his dick and then you moan around his fingers at the way he twitches inside of you and—fuck—he's getting close too, but he just can't allow himself to cum until you have.

slipping his fingers out, he uses the same, slick hand to toy at your clit as you clench around him tighter. "you said you're close?" he groans. "fuckin' cum then, cum around my cock how you wanted to, sweetheart."

it's the way he's gazing down at you endearingly. it's his fat cock pushing itself deeper inside of you, forcing you and your gummy walls to make room for me. it's the filthy words that spill from his lips, laced with his sweet words of praise. it's all of it that comes crashing down on you, the waves of pleasure hitting you over and over and over again until you're reduced to nothing but a thrashing, crying, whining mess with the words, "joshie, fuck," falling from your lips.

you're so lost in pleasure of your second orgasm of the day that you hardly notice it when joshua slips out of you himself, fervently jerking himself off until he moans out your name and there's thick white ropes of cum painting your stomach and clit 'til he's practically milked himself dry.

all the echos through the room now is the sound of your hiccups and joshua's gasps for air until he's finally falling on top of you, head resting on your chest.

"you are so not a gentleman," you gasp out between breaths as he slowly lifts himself off of you, rolling to your side once you unwind your leg from around his hips. he furrows his eyebrows at you with a frown.

"what do you mean?" he whines. "that's literally like my trademark."

"well change it," you grumble, running your fingers over the mark on your neck from where joshua bit you.

"i'm sorry," he murmurs, turning over to you to look at the bruise against your skin. "did i hurt you?" he asks, eyes wide with worry. you want to kick your feet at the way his concern has butterflies coursing through your veins as if this man didn't just rearrange your guts.

you push his face away when he leans down to pepper your neck with kisses, shuffling back onto you. you aren't sure how much longer your poor heart can handle this. "it's too late to be a gentleman now..."

"is it though?" joshua asks with a smirk, looking down at you.

"dunno...guess you just have to prove to me that you're worth the title."

"does this mean i get more chances?" joshua grins.

you roll your eyes. "maybe...it depends on what you have planned."

"well," joshua drawls out. "i'm thinking a nice date...then maybe you, me, my bed and—"

i guess you can tell where it goes from here.

a/n. half the time i think i dont know how to end fics without some stupid dialouge bc wtf.... anyways if u enjoyed pls like and reblog!

[rhpotter]

Because I feel like screaming into the void that is this hellsite today ....

I keep seeing commentary here and elsewhere from leftists, usually young leftists. They blame Biden for what Israel is doing to Gaza. They say they won't vote for Biden because he won't stop what Israel is doing to Gaza. They scream about how Biden is a fascist because he's willing to send money to Israel, while Israel is killing civilians in Gaza.

Let's get the obvious out of the way. What Israel is doing in Gaza is horrific, inhuman, and I have no doubt constitutes war crimes on a massive scale.

Now, go ahead, tell me. How is the U.S. supposed to get Israel to stop?

They're a sovereign country. Why the hell would they do what we tell them to?

They have a hard-right Prime Minister who needs to keep his job in order to avoid going to jail. He's basically their version of Trump. You think Trump would have listened to another country telling him not to do something?

Sure, we can cut off aid. Then what? Israel wants U.S. money, but it doesn't NEED it. It can survive without it, and it can survive without the U.S. as an ally - it's spent the last 80 years making sure of that. And if we stop selling them weapons, I can think of a couple countries willing to step up and sell them whatever they want. Biden has been putting conditions on proposed aid and U.S. arms sales to Israel for pretty much the first time in history. He's been putting the screws to Netenyahu's government in almost every diplomatic avenue possible. Also, that proposed aid package for Israel? A BIG reason that Israel money was even in there was to try and get Republicans on board with the *other*, larger parts of the aid package - like the aid to Ukraine and to Taiwan.

Now you may disagree with how he's doing this, or think Biden should just take the U.S. ball (aid) and go home. Then what? You think that actually solves anything? You think that helps the Palestinians in Gaza? You think Israel's actually going to stop? Or do you just want him to do it because it makes you feel better and then you can stop thinking about it? Serious question here. People want Biden to stop Israel. Tell me how. If you actually want to understand what's going on and what the solutions might really be, this is a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOFdG87ZJgE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvKMbZGbH7U&list=PLKG4P0uu-XSej2c3SALLEXyxT-j7YwCJ5&index=11&pp=iAQB

[the-bjd-community-confess]

This happened a few years ago and it still bothers me to this day. I purchased a grail doll head off DOA. A week later, the seller keeps asking about the doll, wanting to see pictures, talking about how the doll haunts their dreams or whatever. This went on for months. Her FRIENDS would also message me about the doll! I finally agree to sell back her doll to be rid of her and their constant messages. She didnt have enough money to pay what I paid for (head, shipping + PP fee), so she offered a much lower (as in 400USD less, and refused to pay the PP fee) and I figured it would be my act of charity, plus Im honestly a doormat.

The package arrives to her and she calls me a scammer, says she shouldnt have trusted "my kind", that she is going to get the police involved and blast me all over DOA, and immediately filed a paypal claim. I was confused and replied back a few hours later (it was 2 am my time) and she went on and on rambling about junk and a shitty dollfie dream armor boots part and thats when I knew the post office switched labels of the packages. I told her to check the name and address on the box and it was the package was supposed to be a gift for my other friend.

I called my roommate and asked her to ship the package she gets to the us, and the other person will do the same. I told her I would cover this, and she still said "you better not be playing games with me". I get that its a frustrating experience, but I literally fixed it and she got it in less than 3 days since I figured out what all her rambling, racism and name calling was about. Did I get an apology? Nope, but she did request I leave her good feedback which I ignored. I quit dolls and am just now getting back; with her account blocked. The funny thing is? She sold this "dream doll" a week later at the original price she sold to me. I'm much better now and know how to set limits, but I still get frustrated when I remember how she talked down to me and the treatment I got from her.

~Anonymous

[ninjagrace]

what’s ur favorite scenario to dream about with mtsk and death (kou dying, specifically)

YOU. YOU GET ME.

i’m gonna start this off with saying that kou minamoto is literally my favorite character ever so don’t think i’m doing this because i hate him i just think about him way too much and this is where i end up after thinking for too long

i have SO MUCH to say about this but i’m gonna throw it under the cut bc i don’t wanna catch ppl off guard with my insane bullshit

if ur reading this and u get upset it’s ur own fault /hj

alright SO

first off kou definitely should’ve died during the pp arc just for shits and giggles. it would’ve been like a “what the fuck just happened” for every character and the whole fandom and the chaos that would’ve ensued from the death of a major character would’ve been absolutely WILD- like bitch just killed himself. he straight up committed suicide. there’s no way of rephrasing that bc that’s what he did. it would’ve been a plot-shattering moment and really just heartbreaking and awful and aidairo could’ve done so much with it.

for one, mitsuba would’ve been very Not Ok because he would’ve blamed himself for kou dying and he’d definitely try to gaslight himself into believing kou was still alive- that would not work btw he’d just be in insane denial

anyway imma move on from that arc even though i could go into it so much deeper and focus on things that i could see happening just to make the story hella interesting (i’ve been very tempted to write a fic about this so beware)

i think the most likely ways kou would die would either be suicide or being killed by tsukasa. we’ve already seen him attempt to kill himself, thwarted by mitsuba then brushed aside for some reason, and i’m about to do a full ass analysis on why tsukasa should murder our boy :3

reiterating that I LOVE KOU MINAMOTO WITH MY WHOLE HEART HES PERFECT

okay so tsukasa. hes a silly guy. one of his main traits is he loves to fuck with people, right? right yeah whatever get to the point IM WORKING ON IT ok sorry anyway he’s silly right. he thrives off fucking people up as much as possible. since he knows fucking everything i’m gonna assume he knows how important kou is to mitsuba and, given the fact that it’s so easy to fuck with mitsuba, he’d know that messing with kou in some way would make the biggest impact. every way he messes up mitsuba’s (after)life doesn’t emotionally impact him for too long, given the fact that he and kou with it out every time. but what happens when we take out the support system? that’s what we wanna know.

so ofc tsukasa feels all silly goofy and takes out kou just for funzies. mitsuba is absolutely fucking destroyed in every way. he blames himself, duh. this splits off into 2 possible scenarios that i’ve created lol.

possibility one: mitsuba stays in his boundary for god knows how long, refusing to talk to anyone. eventually he goes to shijima, begging for a replacement kou. even if hes fake, it’s better than nothing, right? shijima understood his grief, in a way. so, she gave in. boom. kou copy. the rest was none of her business.

kou copy only knows what shijima knows about him, so let’s go with everything up until the end of the picture perfect arc. he has no idea about anything after, including the aquarium date, the far shore incident, and the supernaturals being banished from the near shore in the first place, and it’s fine that way. …right? well, that means he also doesn’t know that he’s supposed to be dead.

he keeps asking mitsuba when he can leave the boundary and go home, when he can go see senpai, when he can see his brother, and he’s very upset. mitsuba has no idea what to do. he was overjoyed to have his crush best friend back that he didn’t even think of what would happen after… he couldn’t let kou out of the boundary. that was out of the question. keeping kou here would make him miserable and make him hate mitsuba. so at this point they’re stuck in a cycle of shouting matches of wether or not kou is allowed to leave, periods of silence, and occasional truces because they both need someone to keep them sane, and who else can do it but each other?

possibly 2: supernaturals are a thing in this world, so why can’t kou be one too? even though tsukasa is the one who killed kou in the first place, mitsuba begs him to bring kou back, to make kou a supernatural just like mitsuba. mitsuba knows what being a supernatural feels like. he knows that just letting kou go would be so much better for the dumb blonde boy. he knows that kou deserves better than to be forced to live in a world that doesn’t want him anymore. but mitsuba is selfish. so tsukasa makes kou into a supernatural. for funzies, you know? he’d never worked with a human corpse before, so why not try out making one into a supernatural?

the process of making a supernatural is… messy. mitsuba now knows this, as he couldn’t look away from his boyfriend being made into one. it was horrific. i’m not gonna delve into it because i really don’t wanna think about that i’m so sorry my poor baby

just like with mitsuba, tsukasa didn’t have kou’s actual soul to work with, just supernatural parts and kou’s body. it was simply an animated puppet that looked like kou minamoto. “it’s fine,” mitsuba said, “it’s okay, he’s back, that what matters, right?” “it’ll be fine, right minamoto?” and as he looks to kou for support, all he gets in response is a blank look. he realizes, after staring in horror at the jagged scar on kou’s neck, that his vocal chords are absolutely fucked up beyond repair. he’d never hear kou’s voice again.

thanks for reading and i’m so sorry <3

[tottymatsuno]

how would ichi make his pp presence known >:)c

nsfw!!! for brittany! self insert so uses ha name and such!

This stupid ass phone. Ichimatsu glares at it, sitting heavy and sweaty in his palms. Why the fuck did he even get this damned thing, his eyes swirl, he can’t breathe, his face is flushed and Ichimatsu’s two seconds from pulling down his boxers and fucking shitting on the table.

All the heat in his body is burning him directly where it sits, heavy in his sweats, urging his palms to attend to his needs.

“I’ve gotten a few dick pics, but never from anyone I’ve liked.”

“What about you, do you have any to send?”

Ichimatsu’s heart is racing. It’s beating so hard that he’s sure you can hear it from your bedroom across town.

What the fuck is he supposed to say? How is Ichimatsu supposed to play this game of 4D chess? What if this is a test? What if you block him immediately after he sends one? What about angles? Lighting? How to make his weird dick not so weird? Ichimatsu got this fucking phone for you, and now you’re going to render it useless because he’s too excited?! You might as well tell him to quit his job too, and kill himself since the punishment you’re asking for in exchange — Ichimatsu’s too inexperienced for this!

Instead he breaks open a shitty little notebook, and scribbles a dick in order to ease the tension. Next time he sees you! Next time, Ichimatsu thinks panting. Next time he’ll let you grip his hair, and force whatever you want on him! He won’t resist, but Ichimatsu needs to be passive so he knows without doubt, that you want Ichimatsu back.

With a click, carefully framed so you see the shadow of Ichimatsu’s true feelings erect on the dingy paper, he sends it over.

“Like what you see?” Ichimatsu asks, already cringing.

“Aw, I wanted to see the real thing.”

“Haha perv. I’ll send you a dick pic.” Another beat passes and Ichimatsu sketches out a more serious version, he even uses his real cock as a reference, when you respond. “Is that what your dick really looks like?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy?” Ichimatsu hopes he gets bonus points. Notice that I used your phrase. I watched that video, I learned it. Praise me.

You don’t reply within a half second, so that’s too slow. The shame eats him away like a moth, he needs an out.

“I gotta go to bed though, see you tomorrow at your place, at 5PM. I’ll be there when you get off work.”

“That’s specific. Good night.”

Ichimatsu’s body pillow is taken out, a rare appearance when he usually reserves it for Christmas related loneliness. He hides in the night to rub himself normal, every time he remembers, then clicks his screen open to let his fantasies return. As many times as Ichimatsu can until he’s exhausted in the morning.

After that it’s a waiting game.

What if you fuck him? Ichimatsu thinks, at the bath house. Then when he’s using his entire allowance to order you food, and when he buys your favorite snacks. When he’s standing in line, thoughts full of cotton candy affection, and having his virgin ass dominated in the most romantic way possible. He keeps remembering the image you sent a while ago, with two girls.

He can’t wait til you tilt his chin and make him drink from the carton of milk.

So when 5PM rolls around, Ichimatsu stands outside of your door when 4:59 becomes 5 exactly when he knocks.

You open the door fairly quickly, right when Ichimatsu’s knocking transitions to banging on the frame. The second he sees your face, Ichimatsu melts.

“Right on time.” You smile before commenting, “You nearly scared me half to death. I was wondering who was hitting my door like that. I was gonna call the cops!”

Ichimatsu swallows, then opens his mouth, then swallows again. “Sorry.”

“Alright, don’t do it again.” You exit your house, pushing right into Ichimatsu’s space. “Let’s go,”

“…Go where?”

“Gotta pick up groceries.”

That’s how Ichimatsu ends up riding shotgun in your SUV, thinking on repeat “Touch me, Brittany. Touch me.” In semi-patient anticipation.

He’s pushing the cart, hoping to remind you of last nights conversation even though it seems like you’ve forgotten it. Ah…a banana?

Ichimatsu watches you weigh a bunch. He plucks a random one after you set it in the cart. “It’s kinda like…”

His fingers wrap around the fruit like he was about to play with himself, “But not this length…”

Does that give him a pass? Is that flirting? Is that good enough? Do you hate him?

The expression on your face ignites Ichimatsu from head to toe, he can’t look at you too long or else he’ll combust.

He can’t speak for the rest of the trip, instead Ichimatsu’s tongue wants to swallow itself. So he dissociates until Ichimatsu’s helped put up all your food, until he’s eating the lunch you brought over, until you pragmatically hand him a toothbrush, until he’s spitting out the mouthwash, and until his hands are braced on your hips - wait, this is good place to start paying attention again!

Ichimatsu’s pressed back against your bathroom counter, and you’re kissing his neck feverishly. “That feels nice.” He sighs, he’s holding onto you for dear life while your body contours between his thighs.

“I just want to prepare you though,” Ichimatsu mumbles out mid moan, god you’re gripping his hair in order to access his throat. You teeth graze against his shivering neck, “It’s actually not that great.”

Your hand slips down to feel Ichimatsu through the fabric of his sweatpants.

“My dick, that is.” He loves you.

“So keep that in mind, don’t get disappointed.” Your smile is so bewitching, when you return to kiss Ichimatsu on the lips. You only say three words in between breaths, “I won’t be.”

“You say that now.”

You slowly begin to sink to your knees, and Ichimatsu keeps his mouth shut when you pull his waistband down.

[professional-bulshitter]

so so,,, i was watching epidemiology or 02x06 and i realised i actually learnt somethings :

1. never dress up in your best clothes anywhere because who knows when you'll be caught in a zombie apocalypse where your greatest enemy stretches out your 6000 dollar suit jacket while you get bitten by a hoard of zombies like Jeff

2. do not keep your enemies (sorta) closer because who knows when calamity strikes and you might end up sleeping with them/ doing something you regret and might not be able to come back from it ever,,, like Shirley

3. do not ditch your "best friend" to look cooler when you know you're a lame ass bitch but you enjoy being that with them :) because you might end up having to go back to them and telling them how much you love them while they simply reply with "i know" for the sake of a movie reference (which is cute and acceptable because it's Abed and i love him but 👀) like troy (seriously how tf are they not together)

4. do not eat anything and everything you find because you might end up becoming a zombie who bites people (biting people is acceptable but strangers you don't know?? questionable) like Pierce

5. don't try to help everyone without considering your situation first because you're just gonna make it worse for everyone 💀 like Annie

6. anyday might be your day so just take care to respect everyone even while being your usual annoying self 🥰 like Ben

7. know that you are not special and that's okay because certain limits do apply to you and your body and even with all that,, you are great just the way you are like Britta

8. save yourself while you can because sometimes it just be like that 🤷‍♀️ like Dean pelton

9. just exist :)) like Abed

PS,,, this wasn't supposed to be whatever this is I just watched it and i don't know how to deal with that in a healthy manner

PPS,,, I love this fucking episode so much,,, there are so many little things that make me so happy about it,,, like troy wearing a matching costume with Abed? the only one he doesn't hit when trying to get away is Abed? the first person to bite him is Abed because of that? him wearing the costume later when trying to save them all? Abed letting troy go and getting bit instead? the zombified version of their handshake?? just c h e f ' s k i s s ✨ all of it

also i have no idea why I'm trying to make it educational but it's fun onlyy because they're all so dumb but i love them so much 😭

(if it feels like i love Abed after reading this, it's because i do and i have no regrets about it)

[clunelover]

I really don't know when my lowest point in life was. Like, if you're a mentally ill person with unstable alcoholic parents who decide to dig back into their custody arrangements when you're a tween, you can have a lot of low points!

Some that come to mind:

11-14 - Mom and stepdad split up and we moved into a pretty depressing apartment without room for everyone to have a bedroom, so mom slept in the living room (nothing wrong with that necessarily, but her bed was kind of a depression nest and she slept during the day sometimes so it sucked having that always visible). This is when she started semi-regularly relapsing and I got to be the one to catch her and then call stepdad for help. I was very sad and angry and felt isolated from peers. I moved in with my dad and stepmom for eighth grade, after which there was a bitter custody dispute about whether I was supposed to keep living there, or go back to mom's, which I got pulled into very inappropriately.

17-19 - went to college and started having my first bipolar episodes. Failed a lot of classes, tried to go back the next year under academic probation, failed harder, stopped paying rent, dropped out and moved in with dad and stepmom to get back on my feet. They made a deal with me that I'd have to stay there two years and pay them back, but I paid them back in a year and left "early" which resulted in some pretty nasty fights.

21ish - Got fired from my shockingly good for someone without a college degree job because I was a dumbass slacker, started working temp jobs which were truly soul sucking, couldn't afford my apartment and moved in with my stepdad, got a temp to perm job at the garbage company, which in retrospect was great life experience and gave me material for my so far only published story, ahem, but at the time felt like "I am a trash person and I work at the trash company so that all checks out." Had a couple drunk driving incidents for which I am very lucky I didn't hurt anyone or get caught - so - that's obviously super low. I was constantly overdrawing my bank account and owed money to my stepdad and Jeremy.

33 - lingering postpartum depression and anxiety from C's birth, still raging more than 6 months pp. Had to take time off work to go for anxiety treatment - again in retrospect a very good thing, but at the time I really felt terrible, like I was literally falling apart and might just start screaming at any moment.

This was a fun exercise though, because there were other moments that felt like lowest points at the time, but which now just feel like a blip. Like when I failed my final exam in grad school, and had to get the disability office involved to fight the chair of the department to be able to retake it at a different date due to the regular date being a few days after my due date with E. Whatever, doesn't matter now, I have the degree and don't really use it. Learned a lot about advocating for myself.

Or when I had that terrible job 3ish years ago where I was way out of my depth and having frequent panic attacks, sobbing every day I came home etc etc...I was there only three months and then got the job I have now. Blip!

[seldomscilence16]

Its mermay, its the day of my burth, and Im determined to post this dang it.

So Heres a fanfic that I pulled out of nowhere and everywhere and the hole.

It was a tossup of which fandom to use, but eventually it fell to this, (thanks to my friend for picking a number) but let me know if you'd like to see something else if you like it!

Voltron Fantasy esc au!

(Ps; a picture of a fish with a bite taken out of it inspired some of this so... yeah)

(And you can thanks autisticlancemcclain for the brown-eyed lance. )

(Pps guess who found out how to cut her posts? *insert that weird double chin face crinkling grin*)

Stars reflected off the water and cast moving shapes along the sand in beautiful light. A tan hand reaches out, but like always, the light simply dances, out of reach and teasing. A sigh heaves from the figure sprawled on the sand, tail fin curling lazily in the shallow water. He knows he should continue on, should get further away from shore.

He's so tired.

Tired of living on the run, of hiding, just… tired.

He rubs at his face and forces himself to turn, to swim further out, to ignore the call of the moon and continue on his way. He reminds himself he truly can't dally long, not if he wishes to stay ahead, and free. Or as free as one can be when you look over your shoulder as often as he does. He should be used to it by now, being alone and terrified and tired, it's been years since…

"Come on Lance. Can't even think it?!" He groans and pulls at his hair at his own brain's stupidity.

Whatever, he just needed to keep going. He'd find safety someday, everything would come to a head and finally end eventually, and then it will all have been worth it. It had to be… after everything they'd done and everything they lost, it had to have been worth it…

Something shifts the water around him, knocking against his own currents, he tenses, going into high alert mode. His insides feel coiled tight, warring on whether to fight or flee. He's never one to coward away, but unlike popular opinions of him, he was not an idiot incapable of knowing when someone has him beat. Lance slows his breath, trying to hone in on the threat through his senses. The current comes again, behind him a little to the left, larger mass than his own, going slower than he had been. But that meant nothing in the grand scheme, this could very well be something with the speed of a sailfish or worse, Lance couldnt underestimate it.

He swallowed thickly, he needed to think about this carefully. Swimming away at top speeds could make him prey if this was simply something looking for food. On the other hand, should this be the very reason for his life on the run, not booking it could very well mean another nightmare to escape. And in the unlikely chances of this being just a passerby, Lance could exert himself for no reason and make himself vulnerable. Whatever it is is only getting closer, Lance had to do something now.

A deep centering breath, he pulls one hand through the water, the other forming a strong hold, a familiar glow appears as a curved shape takes form. His stance is second nature, his hold firm and steady, his movements fluid. He takes his aim, somewhere behind him not quite towards the threat, but close enough, it will tell him all he needs to know. On his exhale, faster than most eyes can track, a projectile lands home. The rock formation explodes, the threat stops, for one moment, two, the currents pick up and Lance bolts.

At the very least, he supposes they are not quite as fast as him, but they did not flee. Lance could have stayed and fought, but something in his (over paranoid but usually right) gut, told him not to. While he couldn't tell you exactly what his gut was thinking, it hadn't told him to fight. And that was enough for him to-

He changes directions, using a coral formation to propel himself to the left. A steady chant of curses goes through his brain as he pushes himself to go faster.

Two.

There were two quiznacking threats now. He shouldn't have stopped, he should have found a hiding spot or… he shouldn't have stopped. How had he missed them? One was practically leading him to the other. He was screwed unless he could somehow lose them but the chances of that in such open water with like no activity?? Quiznak! Seriously Lance, only you.

Something flies past him, skimming by too close for comfort, a heat, a sizzle. His mind reminds him of that numb feeling unhelpfully, he doesn't need reminders of why he should avoid those. So he had been right, the threats were threats, and once again, he was quiznaking screwed!!

He twirls to avoid another shot, wracking his brain desperately for a plan. Any plan, come on brain, it had to be easier to evade this than to escape later! He does another sharp turn, anything to make it more difficult for them, but he knows he can't keep up this speed forever. He was running on low to begin with, he needed to think of something now!

A dark mass is in front of him, not there one second, solid the next. He crashes hard, bouncing off in a daze and sinking as he tries to regain his senses. Something metallic in the water tells him he's bleeding- did he bite his lip or hurt his nose?- his head spins as his breath heaves in too quick a rhythm. Something wraps around his throat, claws digging far too close to a gill, it's enough to restart his adrenaline, as he struggles and claws at the appendage. Still it takes a moment for his eyes to truly take in what's before him.

A monster. One of Haggar's creations, he recognized it from a past battle- it's not a new one, she cant make anymore she- how was he supposed to fight off three threats alone!? When one usually takes all-

He'd have to… or die trying…

His tail glows- this thing is disgusting it has a hole what the heck why isn't it dead ohdiosmiomaybeitishesscrewed- and he lashes out quick as a whip, the grip loosens and Lance breaks away. The other two threats have arrived behind him, left over soldiers from an empire slowly buckling but ever so fricken loyal, he's surrounded. From the looks of it, capture is now an option, and one they don't seem keen on choosing.

This would be Lance's final battle.

He can't see the moon from here, or the stars, but he sends a prayer anyhow. That his friends are safe. That this war can end. That it's not all for naught. That his precious Blue will find a worthier Paladin.

Light builds around his hand, taking the form of his namesake. He would go down fighting then, and hopefully take some with him.

~i'm sorry I suck at fight scenes~

Ragged breathes through parted lips, blood twirling as it meets the water, bubbles as he twirls his lance. The soldiers were down, floating lifelessly and making his stomach clench, but the monster seemed unaffected. It truly looked undead- a hole in its side, tears and worn down flesh- but perhaps it simply rotted as Haggar's magic faded, its mission the last thing it can comprehend.

His tail reminds him with every move that it has taken damage that needs attention. His torso aches with bruises and burns and cuts, his gills are overworked and tired as his heart. Much more and he'll keel over, his vision already blurs, he can't push through much longer.

The monster lashes out, a black line of numbing heat that Lance throws himself out of the way of. His lance changes to a bow and he lets loose a flurry of projectiles, he growls as they each hit home on his large target, but seem nothing more than a nuisance. The thing's arm cuts through the water and sends a current strong enough to knock him back. He rolls and slams into a convenient rock, oxygen lost as he finds the sandy ocean floor- when did they get so low?

Lance's head protests as he moves to get up, but the monster is already there, pinning Lance to the rock, slamming him into it every couple seconds. His strength is leaving him, his head aches something fierce, and his vision is dotted in black. This was the end. He'd tried, made new holes in un-bleeding flesh- was it flesh? Seaweed? Magic clay?- defeated two more soldiers, but he couldn't persevere. There was no coming back from this one, Lance the Blue Paladin, would be no more. And his last image would be a melting faced rage monster.

His eyelids waver closer and closer together, ready to join the light of the moon, when a literal light flashes instead. It's jarring enough to make his eyes pop open, a green and yellow swirl that hits the monster dead center and sends him flying. Lance hits the sand again, too weak to do much else but watch his blood mix with the water and multicolored blasts hit the monster.

They were so familiar too, strong yellow, clever green, fierce red, brave purple, uniting pink, calming orange… huh…

A hand cups his cheek, he..hadnt meant to close his eyes, blue meets brown and why is that so important?

".e……Lance…….…okay…"

Accent, soothing, familiar, safe.

"Is..okay?" Another, rougher but comforting and…

"..'s..ay buddy…ot you."

He forces his eyes to focus if even for just a moment, and the blurred colors become familiar figures, friends, his family. Voltron. How had they found him? They hadn't been meant to meet yet, not until it was safe for the lions to return. 'Safe' hummed in the back of his mind, a wave of comfort that had tears springing to his eyes.

"It's okay now Lance, we got you."

Hands are oh so careful as they lift him, tails supporting his own as they pull him through the water. He glimpses floating chunks and swallows the bile that rises in his throat. They'd gotten it then.

"You did good Lance, without your arrows I don't think our attack would have worked." Was Shiro reading his mind??

"Coran should have a pod ready, he swam faster than a duflax when he saw what state you were in." Allura assures, eyeing him worriedly.

"Thanks…for coming guys." So strange to talk to them, when he hadn't in so long not since they got split up, and went into hiding. "Never thought i'd see you again." He admits quietly, tears floating from his eyes.

"Nope, not thinking like that ever again." Hunks' own tears joined, though he suppressed his sobs so as not to jostle Lance.

"Youre home now, you made it."

[7r0773r]

Andy Catlett: Early Travels by Wendell Berry

She was being extravagant with the sugar for my sake, as I was more or less aware, and as I took for granted. But knowledge grows with age, and gratitude grows with knowledge. Now I am as grateful to her as I should have been then, and I am troubled with love for her, knowing how she was wrung all her life between her cherished resentments and her fierce affections. A peculiar sorrow hovered about her, and not only for the inevitable losses and griefs of her years; it came also from her settled conviction of the tendency of things to be unsatisfactory, to fail to live up to expectation, to fall short. She was haunted, I think, by the suspicion of a comedown always lurking behind the best appearances. I wonder now if she had ever read Paradise Lost. That poem, with its cosmos of Heaven and Hell and Paradise and the Fallen World, was a presence felt by most of her generation, if only by way of preachers who had read it. Whether or not she had read it for herself, the lostness of Paradise was the prime fact of her world, and she felt it keenly. (pp. 36-37)

***

For my part, I was then not so much superstitious as merely and totally gullible, able to believe without a grain of doubt anything whatever that was told me by anybody older than I was. And my imagination was capable of ratifying the wildest errors and my own most extravagant misunderstandings. (p. 74)

***

When I was behaving myself and out of trouble more or less everywhere, my mother was a refuge to me. She understood the not always manifest quietness I had inside me that made me dislike gatherings and want to be alone. Even when it put her at her wit's end, she understood it. She understood my times of introspection and silence, my susceptibility of being carried away by a book or a thought or something vividly seen in my mind. She encouraged my intermittent bookishness. She approved of what she called my "long thoughts." She was often only amused at my weakness for drifting away from whatever I was supposed to be doing—except when I was supposed to be doing my homework. When I drifted away—mentally or (as I preferred) physically—from that, I "drove her crazy" and made her wonder what was going to become of me. There were times when I sat helplessly not-thinking about my math while she stood over me as helplessly, and perhaps hopelessly too, with a shingle or a switch. At my best, I hope, I deserved her sympathy, for I greatly needed it and took shelter in it. She was, and her memory is, a comfort to me. (p. 79)

***

Increasingly over the last maybe forty years, the thought has come to me that the old world in which our people lived by the work of their hands, close to weather and earth, plants and animals, was the true world; and that the new world of cheap energy and ever cheaper money, honored greed, and dreams of liberation from every restraint, is mostly theater. This new world seems a jumble of scenery and props never quite believable, an economy of fantasies and moods, in which it is hard to remember either the timely world of nature or the eternal world of the prophets and poets. And I fear, I believe I know, that the doom of the older world I knew as a boy will finally afflict the new one that replaced it.

The world I knew as a boy was flawed, surely, but it was substantial and authentic. The households of my grandparents seemed to breathe forth a sense of the real cost and worth of things. Whatever came, came by somebody's work. (p. 93)

***

Time is told by death, who doubts it? But time is always halved—for all we know, it is halved—by the eye blink, the synapse, the immeasurable moment of the present. Time is only the past and maybe the future; the present moment, dividing and connecting them, is eternal. The time of the past is there, somewhat, but only somewhat, to be remembered and examined. We believe that the future is there too, for it keeps arriving, though we know nothing about it. But try to stop the present for your patient scrutiny, or to measure its length with your most advanced chronometer. It exists, so far as I can tell, only as a leak in time, through which, if we are quiet enough, eternity falls upon us and makes its claim. And here I am, an old man, traveling as a child among the dead.

We measure time by its deaths, yes, and by its births. For time is told also by life. As some depart, others come. The hand opened in farewell remains open in welcome. I, who once had grandparents and parents, now have children and grandchildren. Like the flowing river that is yet always present, time that is always going is always coming. And time that is told by death and birth is held and redeemed by love, which is always present. Time, then, is told by love's losses, and by the coming of love, and by love continuing in gratitude for what is lost. It is folded and enfolded and unfolded forever and ever, the love by which the dead are alive and the unborn welcomed into the womb. The great question for the old and the dying, I think, is not if they have loved and been loved enough, but if they have been grateful enough for love received and given, however much. No one who has gratitude is the onliest one. Let us pray to be grateful to the last. (pp. 119-20)

***

It still seemed strange and wonderful to me that the night could pass, so great an event of darkness, and there Port William would be again, just as it was before. (p. 124)

***

I closed the book on that faraway place and sat still to let the familiar house take shape around me again. Presently the clock on the mantel chimed the quarter-hour. Of all the things I loved in that house, I loved that clock maybe the most, for the sound of it signaled the presence of everything else. It played in stately measure a quarter of its tune at a quarter past the hour, half at half past, three-quarters at a quarter till, and the whole again to announce the hour. That tune, when I ring it over in my mind now, calls back into presence the house as it was, all its rooms and furnishings, its sounds and smells. (pp. 124-25)

***

As I watched, it came to me that they were waiting: Granddaddy and Frank Lathrop, each with a son in the army; Grover Gibbs, whose son, Billy, was in the air force; Burley Coulter, whose nephews, Tom and Nathan, had gone off to the army, and who now could hope that Nathan only might return; Jayber Crow, whose calling seems to have been to wait with the others. They were suffering and enduring and waiting, waiting together, joined in their unending game, submitted as the countryside around them was submitted. We had come into the silence that is deeper than any other—the silence of what is yet to come, the silence of one who is waiting for what is yet to come.

And now, as often before, I am reminded how grateful I am to have been there, in that time, with these I have remembered. I was there with them; they remain here with me. For in that little while Port William sank into me, becoming one with the matter and light, and the darkness, of my mind, never again to be far from my thoughts, no matter where I went or what I did. (pp. 139-40)

[rrxnjun]

hiii I'm sorry it took me sm time to reply i miss sending you these asks and talking to you 🤧 my hols have been going crazy with just tution class after tution class hh i did go on a 2 day trip last weekend tho and it was a nice break <3 (minus the part where we got drenched in the rain for like 2 hours straight. weather forecasts are scams.)

also screw uni for giving you a hard time :( just so you know I'm so proud of you for having the courage to move to a new place and to work on whatever you're studying right now despite not liking the city <33 manifesting sm fun moments and things to look forward to for you 🕯️🕯️ the weekends coming so hope that makes you feel better !!

help i had to Google up fire and air signs my astro knowledge = pinterest memes lol hfhfj all ik is I'm taurus. so after extensive research I've learnt that I have a thing for * drumroll * aquarians and capricorns (and the occasional Aries and cancer <33) hfjjf i had to search up all of my biases' zodiac info. i literally remember only hoshi's gfdhj He's not my bias (yet ??) but i find it funny before he's like, the Gemini of geminis 😭😭

YOO SEHUNS RAPS ALWAYS, LIKE ALWAYS, GET ME 'thats right my type' from his part in monster is stuck in my head rn. monster by exo <333

(OMG also you can drive ?? THATS COOL i wanna learn it so bad i can only drive a bike rn lolll bc you can only learn to drive cars from when you're 18 here)

HFJKDJFBJ i have a couple more exo memes (half of them are cursed hope no one checks the gallery in my phone) but for sm reason I'm not able to send pics or link things here Tumblr do be getting nastier by the day

the ncit coding thing was jungwoo the mechanical engineer and the others era LMAOO but that concept was 🥴 ngl college aus are a guilty pleasure for me and the shit they did just made my imagination go wild lol THE SPIDERMARK AGENDA THOOO DIDNT THINK HED ACTUALLY DO IT but again mark is the most likely to do smth like that

Do not talk to me about Lee donghyuck from that era. Just. Don't. He hot. HEWASINSANEFORTHATLIKETHECABLESTHINGWASFINEBUTTJFHRHKFCOLOURPALLETTEANDTHELOLLIPOPFUUUUUUHFHHF.

2 baddies is the catchiest song there exists the title makes me crack the fuck up its so funny DJFKLA i love it tho!!!!! havent checked out the whole album yet but designer's been on repeat its so good!!!! if you listened already, tell me your faves and ill make sure to get to it soon so we can talk abt it :pp

2 baddies 2baddies 1 porsche stil makes me giggle ngkf i haven't checked out the album yet hh (damn i have this and brand new by xiumin but i chose 28 reasons by goddess seulgi over both of them shhh) but i did listen to designer and hmmm <333

p.s. ily bar take care !! and stay safe 💕

its okay!!! we are both busy and mentally tired, send asks whenever you want to! i miss talking to you too tho and i wish life wasnt such a bitch to both of us lately 😡😡 im glad to hear u had fun on the trip!!!!! I got drenched last week as well bc my dumb ass forgot to bring an umbrella with me so im kind of sick ever since and its getting on my nerves 😭

thank you!! i am really fortunate that for the first time in my life, im interested in what im studying and im actually having fun in classes, so thats whats keeping me going tbh <3 also i think im slowly making new friends so i feel a bit better now :')

AHAHA VALID im only like a 30% astrology hoe i only know the very VERY basics. and omg youre a taurus!!!! my best friend is a taurus :) i seem to be getting a lot with tauruses AHAHA also aquariuses 😭 90% of the kpop scene is an aquarius so its very valid but i get it bc i am weak for them as well.

SEHUNS RAPS >>> also BRO my tiktok suddenly decided im in my exo-l era i keep getting exo tiktoks on my fyp and its so funny bc its so random but i also love it ???? 😭😭

i cant drive! 🥰 thats one of the main problems bc im supposed to have the driving exam in like 2 weeks and bro am i not doing well. i keep making stupid mistakes and im so scared im not gonna do it AHAHA here u can get your licence at 17! they let u drive with someone 18+ with at least 5(?) years of experience until you turn 18 and then u can drive on your own :) i actually waited longer to get my licence bc i was scared LMAO but its weird that at 19 i was the oldest in my course

SEND THOSE EXO MEMES ANY OTHER WAY PLEASE I AM IN NEED OF SOME FUNNY CONTENT. LITERALLY DM ME OR GET MY DISCORD I DO NOT CARE

college aus!! my weakness!! jungwoo and hyuck in sticker era 🥴🥴 but also 2 baddies jungwoo?? i lowkey think him and yuta are my 127 biases now if we exclude markhyuck bc im a devoted dreamzen LMAO

also THECABLESWERENTFINEISTILLTHINKABTITSOMETIMESANDIGETALITTLEFERALBUTALSOYESTHECOLORPALETTEFUCKIMSOCRAZYFORHIM

i did listen to the whole album but only in the bg as i was doing an assignment so i wasnt really paying 100% attention 😭😭😭 bUT designer has been on repeat its so good!!! other than that one i really enjoyed time lapse, gold dust and black clouds! Let me know which ones u like when u listen to it!!

I GOTTA LISTEN TO SEULGIS ALBUM AAAAAA i havent had the time to yet!!! but i did hear the title track on tiktok and the "i kiss your brother" is all i needed to hear to know that this will be lifechanging and i need to listen to it soon

I love you a lot! :) thank you for always finding time to come here and talk to me. take care and tell me all about how youve been next time!! hope you have a good week <3

[cappymightwrite]

What draws you to incest ?

*sighs* Ok, here we go. I'm a real card carrying Jonsa now aren't I?

Anon, listen. I know this is an anti question that gets bandied about a lot, aimed at provoking, etc, when we all know no Jonsa is out here being all you know what, it really is the incest, and the incest alone, that draws me in. I mean, come on now. Grow up.

If I was "drawn" to incest I'd be a fan of Cersei x Jaime, Lucrezia x Cesare, hell Oedipus x Jocasta etc... but I haven't displayed any interest in them now, have I? So, huh, it can't be that.

Frankly, it's a derivitive question that is really missing the mark. I'm not "drawn" to it, though yeah, it is an unavoidable element of Jonsa. The real question you should be asking though, is what draws GRRM to it? Because he obviously is drawn to it, specifically what is termed the "incest motif" in academic and literary scholarship. That is a far more worthwhile avenue of thinking and questioning, compared with asking me. Luckily for you though anon, I sort of anticipated getting this kind of question so had something in my drafts on standby...

You really don't have to look far, or that deeply, to be hit over the head by the connection between GRRM's literary influences and the incest motif. I mean, let's start with the big cheese himself, Tolkein:

Tolkein + Quenta Silmarillion

We know for definite that GRRM has been influenced by Tolkein, and in The Silmarillion you notably have a case of unintentional incest in Quenta Silmarillion, where Túrin Turambar, under the power of a curse, unwittingly murders his friend, as well as marries and impregnates his sister, Nienor Níniel, who herself had lost her memory due to an enchantment.

Mr Tolkein, "what draws you to incest?"

Old Norse + Völsunga saga

Tolkein, as a professor of Anglo-Saxon, was hugely influenced by Old English and Old Norse literature. The story of the ring Andvaranaut, told in Völsunga saga, is strongly thought to have been a key influence behind The Lord of the Rings. Also featured within this legendary saga is the relationship between the twins Signy and Sigmund — at one point in the saga, Signy tricks her brother into sleeping with her, which produces a son, Sinfjotli, of pure Völsung blood, raised with the singular purpose of enacting vengence.

Anonymous Norse saga writer, "what draws you to incest?"

Medieval Literature as a whole

A lot is made of how "true" to the storied past ASOIAF is, how reflective it is of medieval society (and earlier), its power structures, its ideals and martial values etc. ASOIAF, however, is not attempting historical accuracy, and should not be read as such. Yet it is clearly drawing from a version of the past, as depicted in medieval romances and pre-Christian mythology for instance, as well as dusty tomes on warfare strategy. As noted by Elizabeth Archibald in her article Incest in Medieval Literature and Society (1989):

Of course the Middle Ages inherited and retold a number of incest stories from the classical world. Through Statius they knew Oedipus, through Ovid they knew the stories of Canace, Byblis, Myrrha and Phaedra. All these stories end more or less tragically: the main characters either die or suffer metamorphosis. Medieval readers also knew the classical tradition of incest as a polemical accusation,* for instance the charges against Caligula and Nero. – p. 2

The word "polemic" is connected to controversy, to debate and dispute, therefore these classical texts were exploring the incest motif in order to create discussion on a controversial topic. In a way, your question of "what draws you to incest?" has a whiff of polemical accusation to it, but as I stated, you're missing the bigger question.

Moving back to the Middle Ages, however, it is interesting that we do see a trend of more incest stories appearing within new narratives between the 11th and 13th centuries, according to Archibald:

The texts I am thinking of include the legend of Judas, which makes him commit patricide and then incest before betraying Christ; the legend of Gregorius, product of sibling incest who marries his own mother, but after years of rigorous penance finally becomes a much respected pope; the legend of St Albanus, product of father-daughter incest, who marries his mother, does penance with both his parents but kills them when they relapse into sin, and after further penance dies a holy man; the exemplary stories about women who sleep with their sons, and bear children (whom they sometimes kill), but refuse to confess until the Virgin intervenes to save them; the legends of the incestuous begetting of Roland by Charlemagne and of Mordred by Arthur; and finally the Incestuous Father romances about calumniated wives, which resemble Chaucer's Man of Law's Tale except that the heroine's adventures begin when she runs away from home to escape her father's unwelcome advances. – p. 2

I mean... that last bit sounds eerily quite close to what we have going on with Petyr Baelish and Sansa Stark. But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that from a medieval and classical standpoint... GRRM is not unique in his exploration of the incest motif, far from it.

Sophocles, Ovid, Hartmann von Aue, Thomas Malory, etc., "what draws you to incest?"

Faulkner + The Sound and the Fury, and more!

Moving on to more modern influences though, when talking about the writing ethos at the heart of his work, GRRM has famously quoted William Faulker:

His mantra has always been William Faulkner’s comment in his Nobel prize acceptance speech, that only the “human heart in conflict with itself… is worth writing about”. [source]

I’ve never read any Faulker, so I did just a quick search on “Faulkner and incest” and I pulled up this article on JSTOR, called Faulkner and the Politics of Incest (1998). Apparently, Faulkner explores the incest motif in at least five novels, therefore it was enough of a distinctive theme in his work to warrant academic analysis. In this journal article, Karl F. Zender notes that:

[...] incest for Faulkner always remains tragic [...] – p. 746

Ah, we can see a bit of running theme here, can't we? But obviously, GRRM (one would hope) doesn’t just appreciate Faulkner’s writing for his extensive exploration of incest. This quote possibly sums up the potential artistic crossover between the two:

Beyond each level of achieved empathy in Faulkner's fiction stands a further level of exclusion and marginalization. – pp. 759–60

To me, the above parallels somewhat GRRM’s own interest in outcasts, in personal struggle (which incest also fits into):

I am attracted to bastards, cripples and broken things as is reflected in the book. Outcasts, second-class citizens for whatever reason. There’s more drama in characters like that, more to struggle with. [source]

Interestingly, however, this essay on Faulkner also connects his interest in the incest motif with the romantic poets, such as Percy Bysshe Shelley and Lord Byron:

As Peter Thorslev says in an important study of romantic representations of incest, " [p]arent-child incest is universally condemned in Romantic literature...; sibling incest, on the other hand, is invariably made sympathetic, is sometimes exonerated, and, in Byron's and Shelley's works, is definitely idealized.” – p. 741

Faulkner, "what draws you to incest?" ... I mean, that article gives some good explanations, actually.

Lord Byron, Manfred + The Bride of Abydos

Which brings us onto GRRM interest in the Romantics:

I was always intensely Romantic, even when I was too young to understand what that meant. But Romanticism has its dark side, as any Romantic soon discovers... which is where the melancholy comes in, I suppose. I don't know if this is a matter of artistic influences so much as it is of temperament. But there's always been something in a twilight that moves me, and a sunset speaks to me in a way that no sunrise ever has. [source]

I'm already in the process of writing a long meta about the influence of Lord Byron in ASOIAF, specifically examining this quote by GRRM:

The character I’m probably most like in real life is Samwell Tarly. Good old Sam. And the character I’d want to be? Well who wouldn’t want to be Jon Snow — the brooding, Byronic, romantic hero whom all the girls love. Theon [Greyjoy] is the one I’d fear becoming. Theon wants to be Jon Snow, but he can’t do it. He keeps making the wrong decisions. He keeps giving into his own selfish, worst impulses. [source]

Lord Byron, "what draws you to—", oh, um, right. Nevermind.

I'm not going to repeat myself here, but it's worth noting that there is a clear through line between GRRM and the Romantic writers, besides perhaps melancholic "temperament"... and it's incest.

But look, is choosing to explore the incest motif...well, a choice? Yeah, and an uncomfortable one at that, but it’s obvious that that is what GRRM is doing. I think it’s frankly a bit naive of some people to argue that GRRM would never do Jonsa because it’s pseudo-incest and therefore morally repugnant, no ifs, no buts. I’m sorry, as icky as it may be to our modern eyes, GRRM has set the president for it in his writing with the Targaryens and the Lannister twins.

The difference with them is that they knowingly commit incest, basing it in their own sense of exceptionalism, and there are/will be bad consequences — this arguably parallels the medieval narratives in which incest always ends badly, unless some kind of real penance is involved. For Jon and Sansa, however, the Jonsa argument is that they will choose not to commit incest, despite a confused attraction, and then will be rewarded in the narrative through the parentage reveal, a la Byron’s The Bride of Abydos. The Targaryens and Lannisters, in several ways excluding the incest (geez the amount of times I’ve written incest in this post), are foils for the Starks, and in particular, Jon and Sansa. Exploring the incest motif has been on the cards since the very beginning — just look at that infamous "original" outline — regardless of whether we personally consider that an interesting writing choice, or a morally inexcusable one.

Word of advice, or rather, warning... don't think you can catch me out with these kinds of questions. I have access to a university database, so if I feel like procrastinating my real academic work, I can and will pull out highly researched articles to school you, lmao.

But you know, thanks for the ask anyway, I guess.

[playersluv]

hardcore mode

characters. aged up!shoto todoroki + f!reader

warnings. grinding + hickeys + bottom!shoto

"y/n, what you said on the first day of UA still haunts me to this day," shoto said as he cuddled you, intertwining his fingers with your own.

you were confused. you had the memory of a fish - or was that an attention span? either way, you ain't remember shit, to be quite honest.

"uhm," you nervously chuckled, "what did i say again?"

shoto rolled his eyes as what you said circled in his mind. you had walked into the classroom, gave the hot and cold boy one look, and said "it smells like daddy issues and depression in here."

it was crazy how funny he actually found it because it was totally true, and it caused him to let out a snort. you widened your eyes at the adorable sound and shoto - realizing what he just did - stuffed his face in the pillow he was using in embarrassment.

"SHO! THAT WAS SO CUTE AWW."

you wrapped your arms around him and squeezed him, laughing your ass off and cooing at the male in your bed.

however, you got no response from him, though his quirk was slightly activated causing his skin to be extremely hot and cold at the same time - no fire or ice being produced.

"shooooo~ don't be embarrassed! i loved whatever weird-ass sound you jus madeeee," you whined into his neck. your positions had changed. todoroki was now laying face-first into a pillow, and you were straddling his back as you put your face into the crook of his neck.

all he did was grunt as a response.

you suddenly had a horrible idea to get a reaction out of him.

you ran your fingers through his two-toned hair, pushing it away from his neck. you left little kisses on his bare skin, causing him to shiver and shake with excitement.

oooooh, you were the devil in disguise.

"i wouldn't do that if i were you, y/n," he lowly warned you, his breath becoming shallow and faster as you continued to get a response from him.

"why not?" you teased. shoto turned himself around, facing you, so now you straddled his waist. you gazed into his heterochromatic eyes, a challenging look placed in your e/c orbs.

"..." he stayed silent, his face flushing as he turned his head away from you. i mean, how were you supposed to say "if you keep kissing my neck, my pp will go into hardcore mode" without saying that?

but his actions allowed an opening for you, his neck now in your full view. totally NOT on some vampire shit, you leaned down and began leaving a trail of kisses along his skin again. shoto's hands went to your waist, gripping your hips as he tried to not make a sound, leaning his head away to give you even more access. god, y'all don't know how much he was enjoying this shit. he was quaking, i swear.

but suddenly you pulled back, an innocent look on your face as you asked, "have you ever had a hickey before?"

he shook his head slowly, "have you?"

you shot him the blessed Finger Guns and winked, "nope! but i'm totally gonna give you one now, so if you'll excuse me."

shoto’s eyes widened as your lips touched a certain spot, a low "fuck" falling from his slightly parted mouth. you found his spot. and when you realized this, you smirked before starting to nip and suck at the spot, more moans falling from his mouth as you did your deed.

you loved hearing him. honestly, it was a gift. even better than mining a diamond in minecraft only to find 6 more.

you pulled back to admire your work, finding shoto hot and bothered, and a dark purple hickey on his neck.

"there! now you can never say you haven't had a hickey!"

shoto thought for a second, giving a shy smile at the thought before gazing at you, "please, don’t stop."

this time, your face flushed at the thought of what was yet to come. your mind went everywhere, imaging what could happen with the hot and cold boy.

shoto's hand left your waist and gently grabbed the back of your head, pulling you to his face. you snapped out of your shock, your heartbeat thumping loudly in your chest. your hands cupped his flawless face as you put your own lips on his.

you shifted to get more comfortable, forgetting you were on his waist. shoto groaned into the kiss and tightened his hold on you, unconsciously thrusting upwards.

you pressed yourself against him, grinding on him, as one of your hands pulled at his two-toned hair. he moaned at the contact, allowing you your chance to slip your tongue in his mouth.

he tasted like sweet strawberries and a hint of mint.

his grip on your waist tightened, his tongue wrapping around yours to assert his dominance. but you weren't about to give up that easy. you moved your hips back and forth against his skillfully, him getting lost in the friction and how euphoric it felt.

"f-fuck, y/n. just- just like that, baby," he mumbled out, moaning, as both of his larger hands gripped you and helped you move against him.

still moving your hips against his, you leaned down and sucked at his neck again, running your hands through his hair.

"y-y/n," your hips slowed down, him opening his eyes halfway, "kiss me. please-"

you detached your lips from his skin with a 'pop,' his mismatched eyes gazing at you with such intensity and passion that you almost got the chills.

"of course, baby," you sent a small smile and kissed him, his soft lips against yours caused butterflies to erupt everywhere.

Ⓒ all work posted belongs to /playersluv/. do not repost or modify.

[elwynten]

Chapter 23

Pern: PP 15 - 10 - 14

I was out clearing land for the new fruit trees to be planted. Snowdrop, Violet, Jett, Robbie, Taima and Kangee were with me.

With the plant abilities I had given Snowdrop and Violet. We probably wouldn't need very many trees because they could make each tree bear fruit every day or once a week. I just didn't want to push the trees to much.

I had cleared enough land for five more trees of each variety. Snowdrop and Violet were planting the seeds and getting ready to grow and age them so they would be ten years old. When Kangee saw a dragon in the sky over the house. "We have company." Kangee said, pointing towards the dragon.

"Keep working on the new trees. I'll go see who it is." I told them, then walked over to the teleportation point. The next moment, I was beside the house along with Taima. I could see that it was F'nor on Brown Canth along with Brekke. I waved at them as they landed in front of the house. "Good afternoon." I said as I walked up to Canth.

*It's F'nor and Brekke.* I sent to Snowdrop, Violet, Jett, Robbie and Kangee.

"Hello Lord Holder Eilwyn." F'nor said as he dismounted. Brekke followed F'nor, standing slightly behind him. "This is Brekke, my mate." F'nor introduced Brekke to Taima and I.

"It is a pleasure to meet you." I told Brekke. "And this is Taima." I introduced Taima to Brekke.

"It is nice to meet the both of you." Brekke said.

"Let's go in and have a drink, while you tell me what brought you here. And if you're not in a hurry have Canth go to the other side of the hold. He can have a swim while we talk." I said as I lead them to the Cafe.

F'nor looked at Canth and motioned to the air. A moment later Canth jumped into the air beating his wings to take flight. He flew over the house and was lost to our sight.

As we walked through the house F'nor spoke up. "This is an unusual hold you have. How did you build it?" He asked.

"I didn't build it. It's like Taima, I don't really know how it was built. All I know is it was here when I arrived." I said.

"You seem to be a mystery." F'nor stated.

"I'm not a mystery, although lots of what has happened to me is a mystery. And I'm not sure I want to find out any of the answers to those mysteries." I told him grinning. We had reached the doorway to the Cafe. I motioned for them to enter. I went to the counter and called back to get someone's attention. "We don't have Klaw, but we do have fruit juice and tea." I told them.

"You don't have klaw? Why not?" Brekke asked.

I had been wondering if she was going to talk or not. "We don't really like it. So, we drink fruit juice or tea usually." I answered. "We probably need to start buying it for when we get more people moving here."

Sam walked out to the counter. "May I help you Eilwyn?" Sam Asked.

"Yes Sam. Would you make a large three meat pizza, and bring it out to the gazebo, please. And I'll take a sweet tea and Taima will take one also." I looked at F'nor and Brekke. "And whatever they want." I finished.

"I'll have fruit juice." F'nor said and looked at Brekke. Brekke nodded her head in agreement. "And fruit juice for Brekke also." He finished.

Brekke looked confused. "What is a… gazebo?" She asked me.

"A 'Gazebo' is a small building. Usually with six or eight sides. A lot of times there are benches along the walls on the inside, and above the benches the walls are open so you can see out and let the air flow through." I told her.

"That doesn't sound safe. Thread could get in." She said shuddering.

"It's not supposed to be safe. It's a place to go and sit so you can get the breeze and look at nature, as well as talk, if anyone else is with you." I explained.

Sam brought our drinks to us at the counter. "Thank you, Sam. We're headed on out to the gazebo. If you would bring the pizza out when it's ready." I asked him. I turned and motioned for F'nor and Brekke to follow me.

"I'll stay here and wait for the pizza and bring it out." Taima said.

"Thank you. That'll save one of the kids a trip." I told her as we left the Cafe.

Opening the back door, I lead them to the gazebo. As we were sitting down Amber stood up from the sand and started walking our way. "Towel!" I called to her. She turned around and picked up her towel and wrapped it around herself as she headed over to where we were sitting.

"This is Lady Holder Amber, my sister." I said making introductions. "Amber this is F'nor, Brown Canth's rider and Brekke. And he," I pointed to the brown dragon in the water. "Is Canth."

"I was wondering where the dragon came from." Amber said looking towards Canth swimming in the water. Then she turned back to us. "Nice to meet you." She said to our visitors as she took a seat.

"And please drop the formality and just call me Eilwyn." I told F'nor.

He nodded his head. "Thank you, so many of the Lord Holders always expect to be addresses by their titles. And you can call me F'nor." He told us.

"I don't see any reason for friends to call each other by their titles." I told him.

F'nor nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, friends don't need to use titles." He said smiling.

"It is nice to meet you as will Lady Amber." F'nor said. Then he turned to me. "You should have seen Lessa's expression after you left. No one has treated her like a…" He stopped to try and find the word he wanted to use.

I stepped in. "Like a normal person?"

F'nor laughed. "Yes, no one has treated her like a normal person. They always treat her like The Weyr Woman of Pern. Everyone is always careful how they talk to her, and they treat her special. It doesn't help that she can be overbearing." He told me.

"So, when I showed up and didn't, shall we say, grovel, she didn't know how to handle it?" I asked.

"No, it was more, she was surprised and shocked that someone wouldn't be scared of her and would treat her like a normal person." F'nor said chuckling. "And then when you left like you were dismissing her and F'lar. The expretion on her face…" He started laughing again.

Once F'nor finally got his laughing under control. "To the reason we're here. You asked me to bring Brekke when Master Robinton arrived at his new hold. They named it Cove Hold. And he arrived earlier today." He informed me.

I smiled. "That's good. We'll go see him in a few days, then." I said. "But there was an ulterior motive for me asking both of you here."

"And what might that be?" F'nor asked a little worried.

"I thought I might give Brekke a gift. If you don't mind" I told them.

They both looked surprised. "A gift? What kind of gift?" F'nor asked.

I pointed to the sky over the house. "Like that." What looked like a fire lizard appeared in the air. It hovered a moment looking around then flew towards the gazebo.

Brekke's eye widened in surprise and/or shock. "You can call her Neena." I told Brekke, as Neena flew into the gazebo and landed on the table in front of her.

Neena looks close to what Taima looks like in dragon form. Although Neena is copper colored instead of titanium.

Brekke looked at Neena then turned and looked at me. "She's talking to me! I can hear her. She's talking!"

"You'll never be alone again. And if something happens to her where she is killed. She will reappear in twenty-four hours, whole and healthy. One bonus is, anything she can do… YOU can do as well. And she can talk out loud so anyone will know what she says if she wants to or needs to." I looked down at Neena on the table. "Can't you Neena."

Neena looked up at me. "Yes, I can." She said out loud. "But I prefer not to."

"Thank you." I said to Neena smiling, then turned to Brekke. "Neena can tell you and teach you what she and you can do. But this is the only size she has. She isn't able to grow any bigger. But she can teleport, that's kind of like going between without the time 'in' between, and it is instant, in a blink of an eye. And if she is hurt, she'll heal a hundred times faster than normal. It's called regeneration. Because of her and now 'your' regeneration, you should live between one hundred fifty to two hundred twenty-five turns."

Both F'nor and Brekke were staring at me in shock. "You are the second person to get a Companion other than myself." I told Brekke. I turned to F'nor. "I can give you one also."

"I'll live one hundred and fifty to two hundred twenty-five turns!?" Brekke said.

I nodded my head in agreement.

Still looking shocked and confused. "You told F'lar and Lessa that you recieved yours when you almost died. How can you give them to others?" F'nor asked.

"I told F'lar and Lessa how I came by Taima. I never said others had to go through the same thing to get a Companion." I told him.

"No, you didn't." F'nor said looking thoughtful. "Ca-can she change shapes like Taima, and you can?" F'nor asked. I'm not sure if he was worried that she could or hopeful that she might be able to.

I shook my head, no. "No, Neena doesn't have that ability. But she can breathe fire without having to chew fire rock."

"I'll live for over one hundred and fifty turns!?" Brekke said again.

"As long as you're not killed. Yes, you will. And I can give F'nor a Companion, so he'll live that long, as well." I informed Brekke.

"You can?!" Brekke said with excitement in her voice.

"Yes, I can!" I said.

Brekke looked at F'nor, expectantly.

"Will I have to change shape?" He asked.

I shook my head, no. "Only if you want your Companion to change shape will you be able to change shape. Even if your Companion can change shape, does not mean 'you' have to change shape if you don't want to. It's all up to you. All you have to do is say, 'no shapeshifting', and your Companion won't be able to change shape." I explained to F'nor.

"No shapeshifting, then." Is all he said.

Taima ported to just outside the gazebo and walked to the table we were sitting at. She put the pizza on the table with some plates and napkins.

"Thank you Taima." I said, then I nodded my head in agreement to F'nor. Another copper "fire lizard" flew into the gazebo and landed on F'nor's shoulder. "Say hello to Darby." I told him. "Darby this is F'nor. Although you already know that." I waited a couple minutes so they could get used to their new Companions. "F'nor, your companion can't teleport you any farther than one to two dragon lengths at a time. That is because Canth can take you anywhere on Pern you want to go. So, I didn't see any reason for Darby to be able to teleport long distances. Brekke and Neena CAN teleport anywhere they can picture in your mind. And you can take anyone with you that you or Neena are touching. Also, you do not have to be in the air to teleport." I added. "They'll tell you what they, and you, can do."

I picked up a plate, then picked up a slice of pizza and put it on the plate. "And this is a pizza, and this is how you eat it." I told them. "And, by the way. You don't need to eat, drink, sleep or breathe any more. But if you're like us, you'll eat and drink most of the time anyways. It's a hard habit to brake, and we like the taste." I grinned at them.

"We'll never need to eat or drink ever again?" F'nor asked with shock on his face.

"Or sleep or breathe. You could stay underwater for an hour or all day, and you won't drown." I told them.

Taima and I sat there eating pizza while F'nor and Brekke absorbed what was happening. And what they were now able to do.

Since both are used to talking to dragons and fire lizards. Being able to talk telepathically to their new Companions was not unusual to them.

I turned to Amber and Taima. "You two stay here, I'm going to the beach for a few minutes." I told them, then stood up and started walking to the beach.

On the way to the beach. *Canth, would you meet me, Eilwyn, on the beach, please.* I sent to Canth.

Canth looked at me from the water where he had been 'playing'. Then headed towards the beach where I was standing. *I thought I would give you a gift as well.* I sent to Canth.

*You are going to give me one of the little cuzins?* Canth asked me.

I laughed. Canth sounded like getting his own "fire lizard" was something he definitely did not want. *No, but I can make it so if you get hurt, you will heal very fast.* I told him. Canth stopped in front of me. I reached out and put my hand on his muzzle. *If you get thread scored it will still hurt for a minute and you will still have to go between to get rid of it. So still dodge thread. But just in case you do get Thread scored. You'll heal in minutes instead of a month or two. And you don't have to eat, sleep or drink.* I sent to him as I gave him regeneration, durability and sustenance. I didn't tell him about the durability and saw no reason to tell him about it. *All done. You can go back to playing in the water, until F'nor wants you.* I sent to him and lowered my hand. I headed back to the gazebo.

I sat down where I had been seated before. "Canth will live as long as you, and he will heal many times faster than normal also." I told F'nor. "No since you living one hundred fifty years, if he won't live that long as well. And don't be surprised when he doesn't get hungry. He doesn't need to eat, drink, breath or sleep, just like you, now."

"You said that earlier and Darby repeated it. That's going to be difficult to remember." F'nor said.

"Tell me about it." I said.

Brekke gave me a strange look, then said. "He just told you. Why would he need to tell you again?"

I laughed. "When I said 'tell me about it'. I was agreeing with F'nor. It was a roundabout way of saying, I know what you're talking about or I understand."

"Oh, okay." Brekke said, still looking a little confused.

"We're a little isolated here. So, we are creating our own sayings that others won't understand. It's not intentional, mind you." I lied. It would take too long to explain where the saying really came from. Although my explanation did make some since.

"I guess that makes since." Brekke admitted. She turned back to Neena and looked like she was in deep thought.

A few minutes later. "I can fl-fly? How can I fly?" Brekke said. First looking at Neena then at me. "She says I can fly. How can that be?"

I grinned. "I told you. Anything she can do… you can do also. She can fly, so you can fly. You just need a little practice. And F'nor can fly as well." I told her. "Without Canth." I added.

"This is going to take a while to get used to." Brekke said, barely above a whisper.

Even though F'nor still looked stunned and a little confused about receiving his Companion, he grinned and said. "But it'll be fun."

"With that said. And not to be rude, but I have some work to check on. You can stay here as long as you like, and get used to your new Companions, or you can take them back to your Weyr and do the same there." I told them as I stood up. I turned back as I reached the gazebo door. "Or you can go swimming. I'm sure the girls wouldn't mind you joining them." I turned around and walked out of the gazebo.

"Taima, would you stay here, and keep an eye on them?" I asked pointing towards F'nor and Brekke. "Give them some advice if they ask. And let them know they can stay the night if they want to."

Taima grinned. "Sure will. I'll let you know what they're up to or if they need anything." Taima told me.

"Thank you." I said, kissed her on the cheek, then ported back to the orchard.

Arriving back at the orchard, I told the girls about what happened with F'nor and Brekke. "I expect I'll get a visit from Lessa and F'lar or I'll receive another 'invitation' to Bendon Weyr for another talk."

I had been gone long enough that Snowdrop and Violet had aged several of the seeds to full grown fruit trees, already.

We have twenty of each variety of fruit trees, now. Even though the girls can make the trees grow ripe fruit every day. We agreed to have no less than fifty trees of each variety. That way they can ripen the fruit on five trees a day. Harvest the fruit, then let those trees rest for ten days before growing and ripening the fruit on those trees again. Over time we would have enough of each variety to ripen the fruit on at least ten trees each day.

About a half hour later Taima ported to the orchard. "They decided to go back to the weyr." She told me.

I nodded my head in understanding. "They know how to get ahold of us if and when they need to." It told Taima. Then I turned to the other girls. "I'm heading back to the house. I'll see you back home when your finished here." I said, then hugged and kissed Snowdrop, Violet, Jett, Robbie and Kangee. Then I ported Taima and myself back to the house.

[shinjaeha]

ipytm ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

this is going to be a tough post for me to do bc honestly...this ep just left me feeling so run down. i know that the cast and crew have always strived for realism and authenticity with this series, but this one was just a lot to take in :/ my thoughts are gonna be even more all over the place than usual but idec at this point. having to rewatch this ep again is really fucking hard (even harder than itsay ep 4 bc even though that makes my heart ache, i still feel some sense of satisfaction from the development we get...this just leaves me feeling defeated in every way).

you know the drill: not an analysis, just me ranting as usual bc free therapy (and boy do i need it after this one)!! i had so many feelings watching this ep (esp towards teh but what’s new), so here goes.

we begin with the drama students rehearsing for jai’s new play, and the introduction of the plum wine which will be the recurring motif in this whole ep. the use of the plum wine in this also kind of reminds me of how teh initially disliked coconuts until he started falling in love with oh-aew and started to like them instead...i’m guessing that’s the parallel they’re trying to draw with the plum wine comparison in this.

teh’s having a hard time getting into character (which we already know from last ep was always going to be one of the toughest challenges for him as an actor). his character in the play is supposed to have a sex scene, but he’s struggling with this bc he can’t put himself in his character (akin’s) shoes, so jai ends rehearsals early.

jai gives them all logbooks which he basically wants them to treat as diaries where they’ll write everything they feel/learn and hand it back to him (he’ll be the only one reading them). ngl this already had me feeling kind of yikes (esp now as i rewatch this knowing how everything went down) since jai already has inside knowledge about teh’s feelings on his relationship with oh-aew which he can take advantage of :/ more on that later though...

it’s sad to me that so much time has passed since teh’s argument with khim and he's STILL avoiding her. khim was someone that he respected immensely (and was such a great mentor for him) so it just sucks to see that their relationship has deteriorated so much since the first two eps. teh might have had his reconciliation moment with oh-aew last ep, but there’s still a lot that he’s not ready or willing to address yet.

i understand that teh’s just encouraging jai about his work when he tells him to stop having others comment on it, but at the same time, i disagree with him bc i think it IS important to get other peoples’ opinion about your work. how else will you ever be able to see things from other perspectives if you don’t?

anyway, teh tells jai he’s seeing a play, and jai asks teh if he’s bringing oh-aew...the look on teh’s face is telling enough that things aren’t going great between them (at least on his end). this brings us to the logbook scene, where teh’s homework for the day is to write about the similarities and differences between himself and his character in the play. this gets teh to reflect on how he feels his relationship with oh-aew is changing, or specifically, how oh-aew seems to be changing so much that teh feels like he’s becoming someone else entirely...and does that mean that he still loves him the same?

i feel like this is a fairly common issue with people that have been in a relationship for a while (and this is their third year together now), so i understand how teh might start having doubts. it’s nothing that oh-aew’s done, it’s just that sometimes all these small changes can keep mounting up to the point that they feel much bigger than they actually are. oh-aew’s really just doing what everyone else does, which is grow and change as they get older, but teh’s still stuck in the past trying to hold onto what they used to have instead of evolving with oh-aew. the way teh picks at all these little changes of oh-aew does make me think that he’s self-sabotaging himself. he’s just so afraid and insecure that oh-aew will change so much he leaves him, that he has to nitpick at reasons why oh-aew’s the one that’s growing away from him (though when we watch the whole ep we know that that’s not the case at all). it’s like a ‘if i push him away first, then he won’t push me away’ sort of self-defence mechanism. either way, teh’s a constant overthinker...and he’s always been his own biggest enemy since the start, so it makes perfect sense to me that he would do this to himself here too.

i know that they’ve been together for years at this point, so things are not quite as exciting as they used to be, but it hurts to see oh-aew be so happy about getting an A for his class, and teh be so unenthused about it. oh-aew has to basically beg teh to give him attention and praise. remember when teh used to get so worried when oh-aew did badly in chinese class...and now it’s like whatever to him just bc he’s not tutoring him/they’re not in the same major anymore :((( i know it’s prob both bc teh’s still hurting that oh-aew transferred majors, and from seeing oh-aew succeed while he feels like he’s failing, but still...

also, not inviting him to see the play with him bc he thought oh-aew wouldn’t be interested/oh-aew kept falling asleep whenever they saw plays together ;;; i get the reasoning from both povs, but it still is nice to be asked :(

so one thing i have to say about the progression of their relationship here is that i just feel this huge disconnect from last ep and this ep?? i know it’s bc of the time skip (since it’s a year later basically), but to go from the end of ep 2, where they’re promising to love each other forever, and then to teh feeling disillusioned/as though he’s falling out of love with oh-aew basically right after that?? it’s so jarring. i feel like we lose so much with these time skips bc the transition from ep 2 to ep 3 is never really shown, so there’s this lack of flow there. like we’ve skipped a step entirely and something’s missing. this is the disadvantage of only focussing on one year per ep since there’s not enough time to explore as much character and relationship development when we’re only seeing an hour long snippet of an entire year. it just makes things feel superficial since so much of what we should be seeing is missing...and we basically have to fill in all the gaps ourselves.

okay, back to oh-aew ranting to his friends about how he feels like his relationship with teh is fading away bc they don’t have the same interests anymore, but also wondering if that’s just normal for long-term relationships. bless that boy that came to ask oh-aew for his ig :’) at least he knows that he’s wanted and has options, even if he obv turns him down bc of teh (for now).

plug and mangpong are dating!!!!!!! and mangpong does a horrible job of trying to hide it 😂 sidenote, but i love the way pp delivers lines sometimes (like the “just shocked”), he’s so cute. plug and mangpong’s legs touching...and the wave of nostalgia that came over me (and oh-aew) during that ;;; oh-aew seeing their blossoming relationship would make him reminisce back to his own experience of falling in love with teh...when everything was still so fluttery and new. so when teh texts him about using his car to help jai move, he looks happy. like he wants to rekindle those feelings again too.

that being said, it’s kind of sad to me how even jai shows more interest in oh-aew’s major than teh (when he asks him for his opinion on how to get people interested in his play). oh-aew’s got some good ideas and is more than willing to help (esp since he wants to connect and find a common interest with teh again). also, just bc oh-aew doesn’t want to be an actor anymore doesn’t mean that he’s completely uninterested in it. god, watching this part again hurts bc oh-aew looks so happy and optimistic. he worked so hard to help teh (and jai) only for them to betray him like that. it made me mad originally, but now it just breaks my heart :(

jai’s running acting classes again for his play, and this time it’s a workshop to help them tap into their feelings. it’s like an intimacy exercise where they give one another consent to touch certain body parts. teh is still struggling a lot with this. i think teh craves intimacy, but as he doesn’t feel that connection in his personal life to oh-aew anymore, so it’s difficult for him to draw on his experiences. he can’t even remember the first time he had sex with oh-aew properly anymore. as usual, teh’s too in his own head to just go with the flow and ~feel things (which isn’t new since teh’s had problems with this since itsay), but it’s def something that he’ll need to learn how to do if he wants to become an actor. he’s trying, but the fact that he can’t get to that place makes him feel even more insecure than ever that he might never be able to get there. imo one of the reasons teh works so hard, and is as driven and ambitious as he is, is that he’s afraid that he’ll never be good enough. he puts so much pressure on himself, and the issue with that is that he’ll never be able to live up to his expectations that way.

teh is also very much alone now. oh-aew has his group of friends to talk to about his relationship with teh, but teh just has jai at this point. he’s pushed khim away...and he and oh-aew aren’t communicating effectively (which is also why they’re on SUCH different wavelengths in terms of where their relationship is at), so there’s literally only jai for him to talk to about all his relationship issues. and to me at least, jai seems to have ulterior motives (particularly when you consider that the subject matter of his play is pretty much the same thing that teh’s going through rn). it’s times like this when i do feel kind of bad for teh, but then again, he brought this upon himself the way that he almost always does...and it leaves me frustrated instead.

jai kissing his professor though...also their conversation?? i have QUESTIONS...

that whole interaction with teh when jai catches him spying on him and the professor was SO awkward. idk what it is about teh but i have never encountered a character that has given me as much secondhand embarrassment as he does. when he starts touching the bars and avoiding eye contact i just- why, teh why?????

moving on, i’m thinking there’s prob more to that scene that we don’t know about bc jai’s shifty like that...but it’s purpose is also to shift teh’s perception of jai. before this, he pretty much just saw jai as his friend and mentor, but seeing him kiss someone else pushes him to think of jai in another less platonic light. like the first spark of attraction.

the both of them go to see the mime show (babymime), and i know that the point of this is so teh can learn to just feel and let go the way that the mimes in this play do, but idk it’s just kind of funny to me the contrast between the last scene and this one. 

the leg touching scene again but this time with teh and jai...thanks, i hate it :/// 

teh’s already feeling like he and oh-aew’s interests are making them drift apart, so by connecting with jai, it’s that initial feeling of attraction that he used to feel with oh-aew all those years ago. jai is that cool senior that he respects...he’s goal-oriented and has so much in common with him (in a way that he feels that oh-aew doesn’t anymore), so it doesn’t altogether surprise me that teh latches onto jai in this way. esp when all their conversations revolve around what teh’s most passionate about, and what dreams they’re striving towards in the future.

it doesn’t surprise me bc teh’s affections shifted in a similar way from tarn to oh-aew when he was first starting to realise his feelings for oh-aew too (though at least he and tarn were never officially dating during that time...)

there’s a genuineness to the way teh praises and encourages jai that isn’t there when he’s doing the same to oh-aew :( and that coupled with teh lying to oh-aew about him having dinner with jai while oh-aew is at home, completely oblivious, painstakingly photoshopping his boyfriend’s face on the poster of the play TO HELP TEH instead of doing his own uni work, makes me so fucking upset for oh-aew.

it’s interesting to see how different their personalities are even when it comes to something as simple as the way they read their texts. oh-aew is so ready to accept whatever teh tells him at face value, but teh overthinks everything to the point where he jumps to a certain conclusion in his head about it instead.

but yeah, it’s just really tough to see oh-aew try so hard for teh, only to see teh do nothing back for oh-aew in return. there’s only so much one side can give. it’s the absolute lack of effort on teh’s part to even try to make things work with oh-aew that is the most frustrating thing of all. oh-aew is carrying their entire relationship rn and it makes me feel all “and for what?? why should he even bother??” about it.

sneaking to sit at the river with jai is like this forbidden, new experience, so it just enhances that feeling of attraction that teh is already feeling towards jai. and esp when he starts telling him about his previous relationship with james, the significance of the plum wine, and how jai ended up breaking up with him. since it’s reflective of teh’s own experiences atm (even in how he kind of self-sabotages himself to push people/oh-aew away first), he clearly takes it to heart. and it makes him want to do an even better job since the play is an autobiographical one for jai. not to mention, teh supposedly being the only one that jai told his story to makes him feel ‘special’......and we all know how teh likes feeling as though he’s special to someone. you can see it in how dejected he is when he thinks jai only told him his story bc he wanted him to get into character better, but perks up the moment jai says he actually told him bc teh’s been doing such a good job (and to encourage him). like i mentioned before, teh’s already feeling vulnerable and isolated from everybody else, so hearing any sort of praise (and esp when it’s from someone that he looks up to as much as jai), is going to pull him in.

when they were hiding from the security guard i was like ughhh i know where this is heading and i. don’t. like. it........

the problem is that i know where teh stands on this. like i know that there’s some attraction on his end. but i don’t know where jai stands. is he intentionally manipulating teh’s feelings for his play? is there any sincerity there? i think it’s obvious that he can tell teh is attracted to him from the glance that they share in this scene, but i can’t get a handle on what he actually wants (which i guess is the point of making his character as mysterious as it is but still). and if he can tell, and he doesn’t actually like teh back in that way, it makes the end scene even more yikes imo.

hmmm teh lying in the pool trying to recreate that feeling right before their first kiss when the both of them just let everything go and sank down into the water. that’s how you KNOW the next scene is supposed to be angsty...bc just like how their first underwater kiss had a sense of sadness to it bc they were hiding, their first (on screen) sex scene has that same sense of sadness, only this time it’s bc teh’s using his attraction to jai/his method actor desire to get into character to fuel the sex instead of bc he genuinely just wants to have sex with oh-aew. and if his reasoning for the sex is bc of that, then his task to recreate their first sexual experience will never live up to the actual first time they had sex (when they BOTH wanted it, and there were no other factors involved).

that’s not to say i don’t think teh doesn’t love oh-aew anymore. i think that there HAS to be some level of love still there amidst all of the confusion, but it feels a lot more like he’s testing his love/attraction to oh-aew during this scene (sort of like how he did with tarn in itsay) than a proper ‘love scene’. like he’s trying to reconfirm his feelings, whilst using oh-aew as inspiration for his role at the same time. it makes my heart ache that this is the first love scene we get from them this series, and it’s marred by the context of what we know is going on in teh’s head. like i said, it’s this permeating sadness throughout...and just knowing that oh-aew has absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on with teh and why he suddenly wants to have sex makes it worse. oh-aew’s been trying to make things work, and in his mind, teh spontaneously coming over like this prob makes him think that things are getting better between them since this is also the closest thing to teh showing any sort of initiative to work on their relationship in this ep so far...

and that’s not also taking away how beautifully this whole scene is shot. i’ve always loved the way that teh and oh-aew play and flirt with each other (bkpp’s chemistry is honestly unparalleled!!) so it was nice to see them be kind of playful before they started kissing again (if you ignore how sad this scene really is). i LOVE the inter-splicing between their first time on the beach and the present. the way the score swells, and little moments where you can see their feet and fingers interlocked on the beach. it gives you such a visceral visual (and totally takes me back to itsay days when that sort of imagery was used a lot more). i just hate that since we know the truth, this scene is more uncomfortable than satisfying despite how nicely shot it is.

i wish we got more domestic moments from them. i know their relationship has sort of grown past those initial moments of flirtation, but it truly makes me sad that we don’t get to see more of them as a couple in general in ipytm. moments like this where they’re lying in bed cuddling each other are so few and far between that i always feel like i have to cherish every little fleeting piece of fluff that i can get. even if idek if this can really be called fluff since the context sort of ruins it.

oh-aew’s still got his heart attack bag :’)))

he was soooooo happy when he met up with his friends 😭 but also, how the hell is it possible for teachers to move deadlines up like that. i FEEL that panic... poor oh-aew...

teh’s in rehearsals again and this time he’s wearing his moon shirt which...i do NOT need those ep 3 itsay vibes rn when i was already dreading this last ten minutes with everything i have in me :((( but anyway, jai’s brought plum wine to class and we know that teh doesn’t usually drink, but he does this time. he tells teh that the taste will change over time (it symbolises the ageing of the relationship process), and teh says it’s a pity he won’t get to taste it next time since jai wants to go abroad to study. then teh tells him he’s worked on the acting exercise and wants to try it out with jai, and i feel like we all knew where it was going to go from here.........

they really had to hammer it in with him missing oh-aew’s call too huh :/

as soon as they started the touching/intimacy exercise again i was just waiting for the catch. even on this rewatch i’m still sitting here chanting “don’t do it teh don’t do it” knowing full well that he kisses jai and there’s no changing that. but then when they cut to oh-aew walking up the stairs with the posters and you hear just how much time he’s sacrificed to help teh/jai on this...sacrificing time EVEN NOW just to go over to their uni to give them the posters when he has a presentation due tomorrow that he and his friends still haven’t finished working on...it’s just heartbreaking knowing what he’s going to end up walking in on.

whether it’s itsay or ipytm, teh’s default state is confusion. so while i think that there’s a certain amount of attraction towards jai there of course, i kind of get the feeling that he’s confusing his feelings of connection with jai (bc of their shared interests and passion) with him falling in love with jai. i feel like his attraction to jai reminds him of what it was like when he was first attracted to oh-aew, and since things have changed so much between him and oh-aew, it’s like he wants to recreate and capture that feeling again with jai (which is also why he wears the moon shirt...he wore that during itsay ep 3 beach scene, which was the moment when the attraction really started to burn between him and oh-aew). he can’t feel that same spark with oh-aew anymore, so he transfers his feelings to jai since, at this point in time, he feels closer to jai than anyone else. instead of growing alongside oh-aew, it’s like he’s choosing to revert back to a time when he was happier.

we know that teh has always been the type of person that will act on his impulses when he feels them. that’s WHY it was so hard to watch...bc i knew while watching that last scene, he was never going to restrain himself or put a stop to those feelings bleeding over into action. and esp not when it could benefit him in some way with his acting too.

in the end, it just makes me so devastated for oh-aew. and i really hope that he doesn’t let this go bc he thinks it’s just teh method acting or getting into character or whatever...i know that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things rn, but that’s not an excuse. he really fucked this one up.

the thing is, it’s not that i don’t think teh is capable of acting this way (i’ve seen a few people say that this is ooc for him, but it really isn’t? this confusion and impulsiveness has always been a part of his character from the very start...he was always the one that had the most trouble dealing with his feelings out of the two of them), but the time skips don’t do him any favours bc we lose all those moments that take him to what he’s currently feeling. when we don’t have those moments, then it’s a lot harder to sympathise with him. in itsay, bc we always knew how teh got from point a to point b, even if he did frustrating/silly things, i always understood where he was coming from. i always felt for him. i GOT his struggles, which was why i was always able to empathise with what he was going through. in ipytm, he just comes off as unlikeable bc of how superficial his feelings seem (from what we’re being shown on screen at least).

falling out of love with your significant other/starting to feel things for someone else is obv a fairly common experience, so i don’t blame teh for FEELING like this, but it’s how he treats oh-aew throughout this that doesn’t sit right with me. even if you feel like you’re falling out of love with someone, or that they’ve changed since the first time you fell in love with them, you’d think there’d be some motivation to at least TRY to make things work with them before giving up. we never see that from teh at all. instead, he just see him becoming infatuated with jai (so we barely see teh/oh-aew together in the first place). and while i can see now that a lot of this is due to his own insecurities and inadequacies, it’s also just so disrespectful to oh-aew who's the one that we see putting in all this time and effort (it calls back to their whole “don’t give my time to others” scene in itsay bc we see oh-aew giving so much of his time to teh through helping him out with his play, while teh’s giving that time that should be for oh-aew to jai now). no matter his reasoning, watching teh act that way towards oh-aew does make it increasingly hard to root for him. there’s just too big a disparity in how the two of them choose to act and devote their time to their relationship.

what’s frustrating is that in itsay, teh would fuck up but he would always try to make amends with oh-aew in some way. he would always come forward to try to sort things out after...but there’s nothing here. even after their dinner fight in ep 2, it’s OH-AEW that reaches out to him first (even though it’s teh’s fault that they fought in the first place). where’s that boy that dressed up in his old school uniform in order to talk to oh-aew at his school? or made a whole chinese idioms scrapbook for oh-aew? or gave up his uni admission for oh-aew? i understand that characters and motivations change (and he was obv hopped up on his first love with oh-aew at the time), but it’s just really, really sad to see teh keep messing up and not even try to meet oh-aew halfway with this. yes, you can fuck up, but there are only so many times you can keep fucking up before it starts to look more like a pattern of shitty behaviour than a few forgivable missteps.

another issue is that there’s been so much focus on teh and his flaws that a lot of the time oh-aew comes off as a side character to teh’s story. previously, i understood that since teh was grappling with his sexuality. it made sense that his journey was the primary focus of the plot and character development. but i always felt that there was more room to explore oh-aew’s story (and i thought that we would get a lot more of that in ipytm...esp after ep 1), but it just feels like we kind of skimmed past all of oh-aew’s growth and struggles adjusting to bangkok/uni life so we could turn the attention back to teh again. i just hate that we never get to see more of how oh-aew’s changed in teh’s eyes (other than the surface level things like his hair, new car and major), and that we never get to see more of oh-aew’s life when it’s not related to teh in general. i hope that we’ll get more of oh-aew in the last two eps, but i really don’t know what they’ll give us anymore.

at this point, i don’t even want them as endgame anymore given everything that’s happened in the recent ep. and it pains me so much to say that bc teh/oh-aew are so immensely important to me, but they’re just in such different places in life. and teh esp has so much more growing to do (i think i said this last week too? teh...). oh-aew deserves to be with someone that can see his worth as he is (that won’t cheat on him for one!!). i just want him to be with someone that can make him happy. what i wanted most for them out of this was for the two of them to grow to a better place (together and as individuals), and while i still want that for them as individuals, it’s hard for me to want them to be happy together anymore. at least for the time being.

i’m kind of at a loss for how they’re gonna work through this (and i genuinely want oh-aew to be able to explore his options too...particularly with someone that will actually treat him better than teh’s treating him atm). so at this point it’s kind of looking to me like a break up is inevitable? but i do think it’s necessary  for both of them rn. i feel so heartbroken about it though...like ipytm is actually making ME go through the breakup...breaking up with all my beloved itsay teh/oh-aew memories :((( anyway, i think a break up is also conveniently the best time to put a time skip tbh...so we’ll see if that does end up happening now in future eps.

this one took such a long time to write up bc i wrote like a quarter of this RIGHT after i finished watching the ep (so you can clearly tell which parts were me right after the ep, and which parts were me after i had some time to sit on what happened 😂), but i thought it was best to take a bit of a break. i didn’t rewatch it again until i calmed down a little and sorted out my thoughts some more (though i know this is still pretty messy). but yeah, i’m still very much interested in watching how they things are going to progress from here...but i can’t deny how sad i’ve been feeling after this.

[darker-soft-starker]

Starker High School AU, Pt 3 (Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 4, Pt 5)

-----

There were two things in life that Peter was unequivocally certain were true.

Number one was that Monday mornings were a universally despised, unpleasant experience that no weekend could ever ease the pain of having to endure.

And number two: Sit-ups were a specific and profound mechanism of torture that no person should ever be required to engage in, recreationally or mandated.

Of course, it would be just his luck that the two were combined on this very Monday morning.

It was cruel and unusual is what it was, Peter thought, hands curled at his temples as he pushes himself into a sitting position, falling back onto the dewy grass with a thud that steals the breath from his chest.

Bucky, holding his ankles, encourages him to complete his set.

“I can’t,” Peter gasps, his stomach trembling as he pulls himself up again. “I - oh fuck - I hate this. I hate exercise.”

Bucky squeezes his ankles tighter. “C’mon, Parker, only three more. You can do it.”

Peter shakes his head, even as he pulls himself up again with a pained groan.

“No, I can’t. Make it stop.”

“Two more. You got it. Sit-ups are not the boss of you.”

“Yes - ahh - they are!”

“One more!”

Sweat pours down his neck and his muscles protest as he pulls himself up for the last time. He gets probably only most of the way up before his gravity slams to the ground.

Bucky slaps his bare calf encouragingly as Peter stares up into the glaring morning sun, arms splayed out, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. Oh, god. Never again. That was the worst. 

Covering his eyes with his quivering arms he wonders if maybe coach will indulge him just this once. Maybe he can stay here until training is over, perhaps curl up into a ball and try to blend in with the grass so that no one sees him or subjects him to any more exercise. 

Except Coach Danvers is already yelling at him to get off the ground and get moving.

He smacks his hands over his ears but it’s no use.

“Get up Parker, last warning!”

“Respite!” He yells back pleadingly, curling in tighter upon himself. “Please!”

Her whistle pierces the air.

“Now!”

Coach has been on edge all morning. Her harsh has turned razor edged in the face of their upcoming match against Kingston this Thursday, reminding the team of her expectations, tolerating nothing other than complete dedication.

Which, whatever.

Peter’s dedicated, okay? It’s Monday. He dragged his ass out of bed to be here at an unholy hour, exhausted and bloated from his indulgent weekend, didn’t he?

Erring on the margin of spite towards Danvers and self motivation, which he suspects is her aim, he pushes himself back up. Taking each of Bucky’s ankles in his grip, he starts counting as Bucky begins his set. 

Not that he needs the assistance, Bucky proves his strength by ripping through the set like a bull stampeding through a brick wall. He doesn’t even break a sweat. Dude’s crazy athletic.

It’s really not fair.

As he mentally counts the reps, Peter thinks Bucky’s the kind of fit that Peter both hoped and never hoped to be. He’s effortlessly capable at any physical task, but he works hard for it, harder than Peter would ever dream of working, dedicating hours to gym time and conditioning. Bucky’s not even out of breath when he strikes up conversation. 

“How was your weekend, PP?”

“S’okay. Played Mario Kart with my Aunt all weekend.”

Bucky grins as his upper half rises to meet his knees. “Oh, party animal. She doing okay?”

“Yeah, she’s good,” Peter grins wryly, taking one of his hands from the other’s ankle to push the sweat-damp hair from his eyes. “Kicked my ass though. She always takes Toad.”

“Switch?”

“Nah, GameCube. How was your weekend?”

“Boring. Parents were home all weekend and wanted some ‘family time’.”

“So, you just watched The Voice all weekend?”

“Yup.”

“Nat sneak in after?”

“Yup. How’d it go with Stark on Friday?” Bucky accepts Peter’s hand as he finishes his set. Peter pulls him up and pats him on the back.

The set off in a jog to complete a lap of the field, Coach yells that only five minutes are left, urging them to pick up speed. Peter’s lungs burn when he speaks.

“It was fine.”

Bucky looks at him dubiously, flyaways whipping at his face.

“Well not like, fine-fine, but no bloodshed. See? All limbs intact.” He holds his arms out mid-sprint. 

“Wow, so you’re basically best friends now.”

“No.”

“Did you hold hands and braid each other’s hair?”

Incensed, Peter shoves at Bucky to the sound of his snickering,

“Ew, stop, I just had breakfast. Look, the first experience was painful enough. Can we move on? I really don’t want to talk about it.”

---

“And then he hit on my Aunt,” Peter complains in the showers, soaping up his chest. “Literally right in front of me. Who does that?”

“Did she flirt back?” Bucky asks, dipping his head into the spray. 

“What? No. He said he was just trying to get under my skin,” he puts his head beneath his own shower head, the water pleasantly lukewarm against his heated skin. “I mean, what kind of psychopath does that?”

“Yeah, but your aunt is super hot though,” Wilson says to his right. “Stark’s an asshole, but he’s not crazy.”

There is a general murmur of agreement around the showers. 

“I’m going to need you all to shut up right now,” Peter warns, turning to point at them all. “Keep my aunts name out of your mouth while you’re washing your balls, alright?”

“You heard him, move on,” Rogers cuts in, offering Peter a sympathetic smile. 

He nods gratefully as conversation quickly turns to girls, grades and the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. There was a reason why Peter was on Roger’s side all these weeks ago, he thinks, observing how the entire team respects his command without query. The guy was just interested in doing the right thing, and that’s pretty cool.

By the time they’re all dried and dressed, the topic is forgotten, much to Peter’s relief. He’s nearly late to first period though, too busy watching Wilson and Barnes smack each other with wet towels and attempting to tame his unruly curls into something resembling neatness. He’s not proud of the amount of gel it takes, but it’s what he’s got to work with. 

It’s not that he’s obsessed with his appearance or anything, but he has a routine that he sticks to. Gel and lots of it.

Once, in third grade, Flash pulled one of Peter’s tightly coiled ringlet between his fingers, pulled on it and said oink. Peter still had some lingering baby fat at the time and so, as cruel as children can be, Peter was donned Piggy Parker for a time afterwards. Sometimes Porky Parker. They’re friends now, but the oinking and snuffling that followed him around the playground still haunts him.

Anyway.

On the way to first period Rogers walks alongside him down the hall. They have English together, but usually make their way separately. It kind of weirded Peter out for a moment because while they’re team-mates, they’re not really friends. 

“Heard you got paired with Stark for an assignment,” the other boy says, his wry smile caught between amused and sympathetic. “That’s shit luck, Parker.” 

“You’re telling me,” Peter agrees, waving to Ned and Betty as they pass. “Dude’s a freakin’ prick.”

Rogers bumps their shoulders together.

“You said it. Want me to have a word with him, get him to back off?”

“Nah,” Peter shakes his head. “I can handle Stark, he’s just some bored rich kid looking for a fight. Besides,” he gives Rogers a once-over, “pretty sure you’re supposed to keep your distance after your last brawl with him.”

“True,” he concedes, clamping Peter’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze as they stop before their room. “But we’re a team, alright? Just say the word and I’ll encourage some sense into him. Promise to be gentle.”

Peter clamps his hands over his heart with a flair of drama, despite being truly touched. “You’re my hero, Captain Rogers.”

Rogers rolls his eyes and shoves him into the classroom.

“Alright, smartass. Let’s go.”

Inside, he smiles sheepishly at Mrs Perez who glowers at them for their lateness and takes his usual seat between Clint and Shuri. He signs a good morning to the former and smiles at the latter, who is staring down at her desk with disdain.

“What’s wrong?” He nudges her chair with his foot to grab her attention.

“The curriculum.” She raises her head and points to the board miserably. It reads Lord of the Flies.

Oh, great. He could use the nap.

Peter smiles sympathetically, opening his nearly full notebook up to a blank page. “How was your weekend?”

“Meh.”

“Meh?”

“Mmm,” She nods, gesturing airily. “You know, eh. Oh, oh! I heard you spent the weekend getting cosy with Stark,” Shuri follows, pretending to search through their textbook. “Wow, that’s a three-sixty, PP. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“What?” Peter hisses, voice lowering when their teacher looks around as roll-call commences. “That’s not -- ”

“Parker!” Perez yells for roll call.

“Present!”

Shuri snickers as Peter’s hand shoots up.

Lucky for him it’s the last he hears of it.

Kinda.

---

His next class is Bio with MJ who, thankfully, says very little through class. She inspects him with bleary eyes when he enters, nursing a coffee in her hands, always earlier than Peter who has to come from the other side of the school.

Peter’s grateful for the reprieve. When she does speak to him, it’s to borrow a pen or to offer him a sip of her coffee. It’s not a lab class today, only note-taking and listening to their teacher drone on about plant anatomy in the same monotone, so he accepts the bitter black coffee without hesitation.

It’s only then that he ventures to initiate conversation.

“So,” he begins precariously, doodling in his notebook, “how was your weekend?”

She shrugs, appearing more awake than earlier. “It was okay. You?”

“It was okay.”

And that was that, he’s relieved to note, companionable silence falling between again as they turn their attention to their teacher again. It’s not until they’re packing up their books at the end of class that MJ speaks to him again.

“See you at lunch?”

“Yeah, dude. Save us a table?”

“You bet. Oh, and by the way, I heard Stark is gonna be your new step-daddy. Congrats.”

Peter groans.

“How do you -- you know what, no,” he says, pulling his backpack over his shoulders and making a x with his arms. “Nope. No more talking about Stark, he is persona non grata. I’m traumatised enough.”

MJ pushes his glasses up after they slipped precariously down his nose during his declaration. “You’re so dramatic, dude.”

He bumps their shoulders together on the way out of the room and shakes his head.

“Why do people keep saying that?”

---

Ned texts him during recess; Peter is taking an extended break in the bathroom despite not needing to be there, but he’s definitely not hiding, nope. He’s just chilling in the cubicle.

< heard stark spent the weekend < lol wtf < plz verify < actually i don’t want to know < no wait i do tell me < dude

< hello?

----

Traitors, all of them.

He wonders if he should leave this school and start anew elsewhere.

---

Here’s the thing.

As much as Peter loves his friends, he has limits to how long he can spend with them before needing a time out.

They’re his motley crew of village idiots. Some he’s known since first grade, like Ned and Flash, others only since he came to the school and subsequently, the football team.

This school headhunted him because of his academic merit. With his pursuit of scholastic excellence - and the fact that some of his best friends would be attending the school, he applied for and was awarded a scholarship. It was a no-brainer - he had big dreams and even bigger expectations of himself to achieve them and he wanted May to be proud of him.

Which was why when it was suggested that he try out for JV, having exhibited some physicality during gym class, he decided to give it a try. It would look great to have on his applications, he was assured.

So he did. Somehow his wiry frame and years of gymnastics was considered an asset and he was promptly recruited by Coach Danvers. At first he deeply regretted the additional commitment -- the early hours, the soreness, adapting to the internal culture within the team. But he’s persevered and he’s glad that he did. 

And for the most part, he copes okay. He can juggle football obligations and after-school activities and the odd tutoring jobs here and there and stay sane, right?

Sort of.

Because as grateful as he was for his broad circle of friends, Peter was still, at heart, an introvert. And right now, his social energy is running on fumes. 

It’s because of this - and nothing to do with the relentless questions about Stark - that Peter retreats to the library at lunch that day. 

Nestled away in the dusty, back corner, near the collection of old encyclopaedias that nobody reads, are an assortment of bean bags. It’s away from the main area, quiet and disregarded by most. It used to be a thriving recreational area way before Peter’s time, but there wasn’t any maintenance to it over the years. Now the bags are old, terribly lumpy and are speckled with suspicious stains, the fabric is thinning and aged. Most people purposefully avoid the old rec area, which is why Peter likes this spot best. It’s his secret hiding space.

He prepares to disassociate for the next forty minutes by getting comfortable on his favorite bean bag and popping his earphones in. 

Next, he retrieves his slightly soggy ham-tomato sandwich from his bag and takes a large bite after unwrapping it. The first burst of tomato hits his tongue at the same time as the music begins. 

Ah, to be alone.

Closing his eyes, he allows his body to sink into the bag and for his thoughts to wander freely.

Of course, because his luck is as poor as he is, his seclusion lasts all of three songs before someone else enters into his space. Well it’s not his space, technically, but it should be. 

When Peter creaks an eye open to see who is intruding he’s surprised to see Thor perched on the bean-chair opposite him. They catch each others stare and smile.

Well, alone time is overrated. 

Maybe his luck isn’t down the drain after all - because this is his opportunity to prove he isn’t a total fumbling loser. He doesn’t know which deity he pleased to be alone in a quiet corner of the library with Thor, but someone up there is clearly looking out for him.

He wants to say something, to strike up a conversation that might make Peter seem cool and only casually interested - something that would make him sound both smart and like, available.

But not too available. 

With little success, Peter wracks his brain for the best opening line but frets because he’s ever been cool or collected a day in his life. And great, now he’s just been sitting there smiling for like two whole minutes like an absolute weirdo. Come on, Parker, say something! 

Thor acts well before Peter has the chance to say anything, pointing at him, his mouth moving with words Peter can’t hear. 

Realising a moment too late that his earphones are still playing music from his phone, Peter hurries to tug them out if his ears, smacking himself in the face in the .

“Sorry, I was --” Peter gestures to his ears, hands shaking, cheeks going hot. God, Thor is talking to him. Him! Peter Parker! “Sorry. What did you say?”

“I said I like your shirt!” Thor replies, way more loudly than what would normally be socially acceptable for a library, but Peter does not care. Thor likes his shirt.

“This?” He asks, gesturing downwards to his shirt where crumbs are dusted at the collar. “You like Nirvana?”

“I do not know Nirvana,” Thor smiles, “but it looks very cool. Peter, right?”

“Uh yeah,” he nods, face positively flaming because again, he knows Peter’s name. Quickly sweeping the crumbs from his shirt, he extends his hand out to the older boy who shakes his hand. Holy shit. Be cool. “I’m Parker -- I mean, Peter. Yes. Nice to be here. I mean, nice to be speaking. To you.”

Even as Peter’s arm is roughly jostled with Thor’s exuberant hand-shaking embarrassment crawls up his neck, and he wants to disintegrate into the bean bag where no one has to witness his persistent, glaring awkwardness. Palms sweating, Peter has to bite his lip to stop himself from commenting on how big Thor’s hands are.

Stop it, he scolds himself, be normal, play it cool.

“Thor, right?” Peter asks, as if he didn’t doodle their initials together in his notebooks. “You were at training last week.”

“Yes, you fell on your face,” Thor nods, gesturing to the yellowed bruising on his jaw, “I saw.”

“Oh, okay, so you saw that! Uhh -- ” Peter waves a hand at his face, laughing nervously. “This? It’s nothing. I’m totally fine.”

“You are clumsy,” Thor states, not unkindly.

“Well, no -- I mean, yes --” Peter tries to come up with an explanation, but falls short. “I’m not always a klutz, promise. Just sometimes.”

“Happens to the best of us. Well, not myself, but you know, generally speaking. In any case, I’m happy to see you’re okay.” 

Thor unzips his backpack then and from within it retrieves a truly gargantuan protein shake, followed by a sub wrapped in foil so large it could be the same size as Peter’s forearm. Sneaking a look down at the remainder of his own lunch, his pickings look pretty slim in comparison. 

“Sorry,” Thor says. “Just peckish for a snack.”

Peter watches, dazed, as the older boy consumes half his sub in a single bite, washing it down with several mouthfuls of his shake.

A snack.

“You’re fine. Anyway, football isn’t really my forte,” he admits after a moment, drawing his knees up. “I mean, I’m okay at it and I like it, but it’s not really what I’m best at, y’know?”

The blond boy nods, “I’m on the varsity team,” he proclaims, wiping his mouth. “Whatever that means.”

His accent is so thick it takes Peter half a moment to figure out what it was that he said. 

He’s not sure if Thor is being serious or not but the one question Peter has is why is he so fucking cute? 

A silence follows, albeit not an awkward one. It gives Peter the opportunity to inspect the older boy, nearly a man at his height and stature, of course helped along by the generous distribution of facial hair across his lower face. 

“Uh, did you play football back at home?” Peter asks, keen to keep conversation going. “Soccer?”

“Oh yes,” the boy nods. “Soccer, tennis, volleyball. Water polo. Badminton.”

“Wow,” Peter blinks, “that’s a lot of sport. You’re like the whole Olympics here.”

He’s awarded with a lazy grin for that comment. Thor, to his credit, doesn’t appear to be boastful about his physicality, seemingly a result of his passions instead of a product of vanity.

“Close enough, I suppose. What else do you play, besides football?”

“Uhh --”

Oh god. How is he supposed to respond to that when the idea of doing additional sports outside of football is abhorrent? He can’t tell Thor that. Surely he can fake a common interest. Think of something, Parker, think, think.

The first bell rings, saving him from having to provide a potentially humiliating answer, seeing as all how all that could think of was chess, or PC. Both of which are true and accurate, but not exactly something he thinks that would make him appear more attractive or endearing.

Thank god for fifth period.

“To be continued?” Peter asks as he picks up his backpack, just a little hopeful.

There’s an awkward bit of shuffling as they rush to get off the sagging bean chairs, moment filled with odd squeaks of polystyrene as they attempt to stand.

Thor nods and to Peter’s surprise, doesn’t immediately rush to get away from him. There’s an awkward bit of shuffling as they rush to get off the sagging bean chairs with, odd squeaks of polystyrene as they stand. Instead, he accompanies Peter all the way out of the library, walking alongside him into the main hallway where a flurry of students are intersecting to get to their next class, walking alongside him.

Heads turn to watch them as they depart the library and enter the halls. For a moment, as kids part like the red sea to make way for them - for Thor - Peter wonders if this is what it’s like to be famous. Or to be on the arm of someone famous. It certainly feels like it, because even though the revere isn’t for Peter specifically, it seems like the weight of everyone’s awe is on them.

He doesn’t like the attention. But he likes Thor.

To his delight, the older boy follows him to his locker. Embarrassingly, it sticks when Peter tries to open it, as it usually does. He struggles with it for long, humiliating moments before Thor opens it with one hand.

“Thanks,” he says, blush creeping back up his neck. “You’re like, crazy strong, dude.”

Thor flexes and inspects his own bicep, as if seeing it for the first time.

“Perhaps,” he concedes, smiling roguishly. “Back at home I used to lift my brother for weight training.”

“You what?”

“A story for another time,” Thor shakes his head, shuffling closer to be heard over the traffic of students. “Anyway, I should be going. But there was something I have been meaning to ask you, if I may take a moment --”

Peter freezes. Oh my god, this is it, he thinks. 

It’s happening.

“-- seeing as you and I have similar interests and we seem compatible, it would please me greatly if you would agree to --”

Heart racing, Peter turns, a fervent yes already on his lips.

It dies when there is a loud call of his name in the hall.

“-- Hey, Parker!”

Whatever Thor was going to say wilts at the interruption, seemingly forgotten as he waves at the intruder. Peter turns to see who called out for him and instantly wishes he didn’t.

Heart dropping to his stomach, he squeezes his eyes shut and sighs. 

This is his luck.

Never has he wanted to melt into the floor and die like he does right now as Stark approaches the pair in quick strides.

Hands shoved into his jean pockets, Stark’s wide eyes dart between them inquisitively, a shadow of a smirk crossing his face, disappearing just as quick.

“Well, pardon me. I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Tony places a hand on his heart and leans on the locker next to Peters. “Thor, barely a pleasure as always.”

“Stark,” Thor nods.

Tony simpers, smile saccharine sweet and gestures to an uneasy Peter.

“I am just so sorry to intrude, but would you mind if I spoke to my husband here? He’s such a slippery one, aren’t you, sweetums?”

Thor looks between them, head going to and fro like a pendulum.

“He’s not my husband,” Peter rushes to assure, acutely pincered between Thor’s confusion and Tony’s mischief. “I mean he is, but it’s for an assignment. We’re not really -- it’s not real. I don’t like him.”

Tony exhales heavily, looking at Thor with dismay. “That’s not what he said in our wedding vows.”

Peter wants to punch him in the throat.

“I understand,” Thor smiles, patting each of them on the shoulder. He dips his chin and catches Peter’s eye. “To be continued?”

“Y-Yeah,” Peter nods enthusiastically, probably too enthusiastically, he thinks, as his aim is to pretend to be cool and disinterested, but he doesn’t even care because maybe not all is lost after all. “To be continued. See you.”

All of the pomp bleeds away from Tony as Thor walks away, his posture turning into a slump against the locker.

The smile drops from Peter’s face. He sends Tony a heated glare as he retrieves from his books, shoving them into his bag.

“What do you want?” he grumbles, slamming his locker shut. “You have the worst timing, you know that?”

“It’s part of my charm,” the other boy shrugs. “What can I say, I’m delightful.”

“You’re deplorable.”

Tony gasps in mock offence. “Deplorable? Good lord, Parker, is that any way to speak to your husband?”

“If the shoe fits,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Look, I have to go to class. Say what you want or move out of the way.”

Tony rolls his eyes. “Oh, don’t be like that. C’mon, what were you and He-Man grunting about, hmm? Grr, me big, you tiny?”

“Unless you have a point,” Peter asks, pointing to the main hall, “I’m leaving.”

Tony puts his hands up in surrender, however the glib expression doesn’t quite leave his face. But at that moment Peter doesn’t have it within him to care, he’s not here to entertain him and sooner they get this over with, the better.

“Alright, alright, buzzkill. Come outside, I have to talk to you about the assignment.”

Peter looks at him, perturbed. 

“I need a smoke,” he explains, tutting at Peter dispiritedly. “Also, don’t lie, I know it’s your free period.”

He doesn’t wait for Peter to respond, heading straight for the double doors that lead to the courtyard at a sedate enough pace for Peter to follow. Nonetheless he jogs a few paces to catch up after debating whether or not it was a good idea to follow or if he should hide in the boys bathroom.

Again.

It’s fairly chilly out, the wind whipping through his clothes. He wishes he had a scarf or gloves or something, opting to shove his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and hooking the hood over his head.

“How do you know it’s my free period?” he queries loud enough to be heard over the wind. 

“Because,” Tony turns to walk backwards, the breeze whistling around them, “it’s also my free period and you always stink up the library so I can’t go there,” he rounds the corner to lead Peter to the shaded area behind the auditorium where a few students are lingering, most of them smoking. 

“And you take the best seat. Personally, I think it’s selfish. I can’t possibly sit there after your ass has warmed it.”

Willing himself to not rise to Tony’s level of pettiness, he crosses his arms over his chest as they come to a stop. The wind is at full force now that the surrounding buildings aren’t taking the brunt of it and it is cold as all hell, although Tony’s in a black t-shirt and doesn’t look affected at all, probably because he’s cold-blooded or warmed by hellfire.

Tony cups his hands over his lighter to protect the flame from the breeze, struggling briefly to light his cigarette. Once the end is properly alight, Tony takes a drag while staring at him. 

His hand comes to rest at his thigh, smoke rising idly from the cigarette. After a moment, he exhales the smoke in Peters direction.

“Wow. You’re disgusting,” he waves his hand in front of his face to dispel the smell. “Don’t you know second-hand smoke can kill?”

"Yes. Do you want a drag to speed up the process?”

“Don’t be a dick,” he says as Tony seems to find himself funny, offering up the cigarette in jest. Peter has half a mind to snatch it out of his hands and stomp on it. “I know that’s hard for you.”

“I’m joking, okay. I thought the wind would redirect the smoke. My bad.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure. Anyway, the assignment? Still waiting for whatever was so urgent."

Tony takes another drag, flicking ash to the ground before answering.

“I booked an appointment with a realtor for tomorrow after school.”

That has Peter’s curiosity piqued. “Really? Where?”

“LIC. One of the agents has agreed to be a reference so our domestic nightmare can be officially documented. Yay, go team.”

“Yay,” Peter deadpans. “What time?”

“Appointment’s at four-thirty,” Tony retrieves his phone from his pocket and hands it to Peter. “Give me your number and I’ll send you the details.”

Peter accepts it with a grimace. It’s warm from Tony’s body heat. Ugh.

“And now you can say: ‘thank you for being proactive, Tony, you’re so much better than me, Tony’.”

“Thank you for being proactive, Anthony, even if you’re a self-aggrandizing jerk,” Peter mutters, voice getting progressively more sarcastic. 

A wide smile blooms on Tony’s face, clearly pleased with himself. 

“You’re welcome, Parker.”

He is going to let that one go, Peter decides, feeling magnanimous on spite of the circumstances. He’d never admit it, but he’s kinda surprised by Tony’s apparent initiative, and even genuinely a little grateful that the other boy has arranged this so quickly. Or even that he thought to arrange it at all - field research was one of the highest scoring components on the rubric for this assignment.

Eyes flicking up for a moment, he assesses the other boy. Maybe he’s not as much of a slacker as Peter thought he was.

Tony, slumped against the brick wall, rubs his stomach and burps quietly. 

Or maybe he is.

Nevertheless, Peter types in his details and saves his contact in Tony’s phone as Your Better Half. 

Peter isn’t too much to look at, he knows, but he’s not the weak link here.

Tony accepts the phone back and wipes the touch screen on his shirt before pocketing it. 

“Alright then, meet me after school tomorrow in the parking lot. Don’t be late,” he flicks his cigarette to the ground and steps on it to put it out. Tony bends at the waist then to pick up the stub, clutching it in his fist for later disposal instead of leaving it as litter.

That surprises Peter a little, it’s more thoughtful, conscious a gesture than he would have expected to come from Stark. Not that he’s ever personally seen such behaviour from him, but it wouldn’t be a stretch with his devil-may-care attitude. Would it?

He’s about to make mention of heading back inside when Stark takes two purposeful steps towards Peter, bridging the gap between them. 

Peter freezes on the spot, breath caught in his chest as Tony brings them nose-to-nose.

He flicks his eyes down at Tony’s lips when his solemn expression morphs into an impish smile.

“Dude, what -- ?”

While Peter is distracted, Tony’s hands dart out to grip the strings of Peter’s hoodie, tugging them until the hood shrinks around his face.

“Do me a solid and try to wear something that doesn’t make you look like you’re a step away from lining up at a soup kitchen, okay? Y’know, something nice.”

Peter smacks his hands away furiously, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as Tony backs away, snickering.

“You really get off on being a prized piece of shit, don’t you?” he mutters, somewhat self conscious as he tries to correct the hood. “Poor jokes, that’s real nice. Sorry not all of us were born wearing Balenciaga.”

He continues to struggle with it as they move away and head back towards the main building, pushing it off his head altogether. 

“Calm down, Charlie Brown, it’s not that deep,” Tony says drily, although his flippant demeanour softens significantly. “I have no doubt that you’d still manage to look like a hobo even if you were loaded, okay. You just have that grubby vibe.” Tony claps his hands together. “So, tomorrow. Meet me in the parking lot. Yes?”

Inside, away from the wind, Peter is still helpless to quell the hurricane that is Tony Stark. He gives him a tired thumbs up.

With that Tony sets off in the opposite direction, leaving Peter to wonder what the hell just happened, and what his life has become these last few days. 

“What a jackass,” he says to himself.

Now alone, he rubs his hands up and down his face, fruitlessly attempting to scrub away the memory of Tony close to him, eyes warm with mirth, the heat of his body up close and the smell of nicotine on his breath as he quite literally tugged Peter’s strings. It takes longer than he likes to will the image away and to calm the furious beat of his heart.

Furious; a feeling Peter is becoming progressively more familiar - and uncomfortable with.

Ben used to say that being angry at someone was allowing them to take up space in your head, rent free. He was right, because it never served Peter well to house animosity when acceptance was kinder to his soul and psyche, and to others -- but he can’t help it with this guy. Tony Stark is like an ear worm of the brain. He has this completely obnoxious way of making himself front and centre despite Peter’s best efforts to cast him to the sidelines.

While he’s willing himself to move on his phone vibrates inside his pocket with a new message.

> ur not my better half, loser > why r u like this > nvm i already know lol. > remember, don’t be late 2morrow

Peter, just a little satisfied with himself for getting under Tony’s skin, saves his contact as Tiny Stank and types back quickly, eager to get back to his seat in the library - assuming Stark hasn’t already occupied it - and make the best of his remaining free period.

<  whatever helps u sleep at night < also, plz lose my number after this is over

> way ahead of u, princess > say hi to aunt may for me

Ugh, Peter cringes, pocketing his phone without replying.

That guy is the worst.

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