#but whatever I'm fine to not like it on my own I don't care
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astral-wings · 1 day ago
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I wasn't expecting this post to blow up, I really really appreciate it aaaa tysm! So happy other ppl found it helpful!
Here's some more witchy tips from me! This time aimed towards closeted witches who aren't able to be open about their practice
Tips and tricks for broom closet witches! Sincerely, a fellow broom closet witch
Sigils are your best friend. They can be any symbol, image, whatever, as long as they are created and charged with the intention in mind. They can be placed anywhere, from the bottom of your shoe to your body wash to the tags of your clothing. Be creative! You can even trace the sigil using your finger. I personally like to write it on a bit of paper, fold it, dip it in moon water, and then tear it up as a way of activating them.
Speaking of moon water, that's a great ingredient! It's very potent, especially if created under a full moon. Simply place a jar, bottle, or anything that can carry water under the moonlight. This can be done on a windowsill or outside, whichever you prefer (or is the safest). Moon water has endless uses in spells, especially ones that involve protection or warding. It can also lend a power boost. Sun water is similar but is charged during the day and has great cleansing properties.
Charged water in general is just really good for closeted witchcraft because who tf is going to question your glass of water? Other charged waters include crystal water (I recommend quartz and tiger's eye, however do research before randomly dropping your favorite rock in a bowl of H2O. Certain crystals, such as selenite, dissolve in water and can become very toxic. Generally avoid exposing any crystal ending in "-ite" to water!), blessed water from a spirit or deity, and rain water.
If the witch-haters go through your room, I don't recommend having things such as tarot cards, witchcraft books, or anything that screams "I'M A WITCH!!!". Crystals and rocks should be fine. If they ask, just say you think it's pretty
Digitalize everything. I'm serious. Make the notes app on your phone your grimore, download witchcraft books as pdfs (HERE'S AN AMAZING SOURCE I FOUND!!!), keep everything behind a password. Obviously if your device and internet usage is heavily monitored then don't (I completely understand, I was in this position before I turned 18). As a bonus, here's a great moon phase app I use
Spirit work and deities. You don't need an altar to worship/work with them! They will understand. There's other ways to devote yourself to them, such as jewelry, taking your meds, eating dinner, and self care.
You can make a small, inconspicuous area your altar, such as a corner of your desk or windowsill. Small boxes can function like small, on-the-go altars. Outside in the woods is also a great secretive spot!
Astral projection and meditation. Nobody's going to know what you're doing; to them, you're just lying down asleep. The power of the mind is amazing
My final tip is that you don't need tools to be a witch. You don't need all these fancy materials, overly decorated pinterestcore altars, etc. The spirit of witchcraft is using what you have! No crystals? Rock. Go get a rock from outside. No tarot? Learn cartomancy and use playing cards instead. Create your own form of divination. Use spices from your mom's cabinet and gut teabags for herbs. Forage outside! Make showering a cleansing ritual. Hell, you can make flushing the toilet a spell. Be creative! Creating is the "-craft" part of "Witchcraft" afterall :}
Be safe, my fellow witches!
Here's a list of ingredients with various protective and cleansing properties that I've found useful in my closet witch practice! Note that I'm not an expert and these are just my own experiences and interpretations.
Eggshells! Great protection qualities and can also be used for renewal spells as well. A good easy spell would be sprinkling bits of it around the front of your home with the intent of providing protection
Salt, a classic cleansing ingredient that you'll find in your mom's kitchen. Various kinds have slightly different properties. Tip: if you add ashes to it, then it becomes black salt, which in my experience is very a strong cleanser especially if you add a bit of moon water. It becomes a paste and can be used for various things such as sigils
Iron nails. Not only protective, but can deflect back. Like a "back the fuck off" kind of protection. Bonus if it's rusty
Thorny vines, barbs, etc can function like nails
Pinecones. Similar to eggshells, but a bit more spicy (mess with me and I'll nip you back) but not as intense as nails. Also has great renewal properties since it's a seed
Obsidian, a great protective crystal to have on hand
Custom protection sigil, all you need is a pen, paper, and intuition. Or just write it with charged water on yourself
Moon water, especially full moon water. Very strong cleansing
Incense and smoke cleansing, I like using rose. DO NOT USE WHITE SAGE
Enchant jewelry or something you have on you on a regular basis with protective and positive energy properties. It can be as easy as making a sigil for it and activating said sigil by burning or tearing it up or dipping it in charged water. Very secretive!
Pepper! Again, similar to the nails, but with an added kick and slightly different way of carrying out things. Instead of deflecting immediately, it deflects over a slower period of time, like how burns do
Ask a deity or spirit you're working with to bless a charm. Very effective! Can be literally anything!
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astr-venus · 21 hours ago
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。⁠☆ Who Is This Diva✦
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。⁠☆Content: Izuku Midoriya BF headcanons
。⁠☆Cw: a few uses of she/her, one singular pregnancy mention, no use of y/n, light cursing
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✦ Always writing in that damn notebook, there is nothing you can say or do that won't end up there
✦ If you're creeped out by it, he will commit what you said to memory and write it down later
✦ The best gift giver. He notices everything about you. From your face to your body to your brain. All of his gifts are thoughtful
✦ Didn't know how to do his own hair until Mina showed him, however if you know how to do it he'll play dumb
"My hair... ? Y-Yeah, Mina normally helps me with it, b-but I seen you take care of your own so... Do you mind helping me instead ? Not that Mina isn't great, b-but she isn't you... Sorry, is that a weird thing to say ?"
✦ Sometimes YOU are the third wheel when Katsuki's around. Good luck with that.
✦ Nervous forever. Constantly apologizing. Trips over everything when you're around. His face is always bright red. Nervous talker for sure. Heaven forbid you compliment him, he might pass out on the spot
✦ He stays on Uraraka's phone. He needs advice before he does anything, especially if you're a girl. He used to take advice from Kaminari, and then he learned his lesson (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)
"I-It's not sexist to assume she likes flowers just cause she's a girl right ?.... What ?! Of course I know that not all girls like flowers !! .... N-No way I can't just ask her. What if she thinks I'm weird" (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)
✦ Doodles you everywhere. Aizawa is fed up with the scribbled pictures of you in all the corners of his homework. He's debating whether or not he should take point off his papers just to get him to stop. Mic and All Might think it's cute
✦ All this to say he is the sweetest ever. He makes sure to know every single thing about you, it borders on obsession. He follows you around like a lost puppy. His receiving love language is physical touch/quality time, and his giving love language is gift giving and acts of service
✦ Izuku is selfless to a fault, but when it comes to you he can't help but be selfish. No matter how much he gives to you, he feels justified because your love, affection, time, and attention, is the ultimate prize.
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☆ PROHERO ☆
✦ Interviewers are tired of hearing about you. Any questions lead right back to what you're doing, something you've said, what you think, what you look like. It doesn't matter as long as it's about you
✦ Puts your needs first which can be really nice, but definitely neglects himself in the process. Like this man has chronic pain in his hands, but will stay up until ungodly hours giving himself carpal tunnel making something that you didn't even ask for just bc he knew you'd like it
✦ If you're not a prohero (hell, even if you are), Izuku is overprotective. His worst fear is you being taken from him in any sense of the word. Losing you isn't something he would ever get over
✦ Rarely ever yells, but when he does he sounds just like Katsuki. It's annoying how much like Katsuki he sounds. Otherwise though, he prefers to concede to whatever you want, the only time serious arguments occur is if it's about something like your safety
"Shouto, I'm gonna throw myself off a cliff... No she's not hurt she's perfectly fine don't even joke about that !!! .... The problem ? Shou she's so mad at me.... Don't look at me like that, I'm serious !"
✦ A sass monster. Rarely ever to your face, most of the time it's just a mutter under his breath that you barely catch but you just know he said something smart.
✦ If your first language isn't Japanese then trust and believe he's learning whatever your native tongue is. He has the cutest accent too. If he's feeling bold he'll use your lessons as an excuse to flirt with you, and after that there's a high chance you won't get anything done
✦ NOT a morning person. Clings to you and the bed like his life depends on it. Moaning and groaning in your ears about how mean you are to him, how could you make him get up for early morning patrol ? Death for 10 thousand years have been cursed upon him.
"Hmm ? I don' care 'bour the alarm. Turn it off... Where you goin' ? Noooo don' go shh i's okay, mhmm it snoozes itself. Jus' lay back down, yeah 'xactly baby.... Hmm ? Late ? Patrol ? OHMYGOD PATROL !!"
✦ Pet name extraordinaire. It takes a while until he finds his favorite, so he spends his time cycling through all types of sweet names. Anything from baby to darling to pookiebear to beautiful. He probably doesn't stray too far into weird names, but he dips his toes in if it feels right.
✦ Won't admit it, but he loves it when you flaunt him to your friends. Makes him feel like a big strong man, especially when you feel up his arms. His face flushes bright red and he tries to wave it off but he stutters so much that his sentence is barely distinguishable, but of course that only makes you want to do it more
✦ When you get married it's honestly been inevitable, especially if you met while in highschool. If it was only up to Izuku you would've been married within the month, but lucky for you he has self restraint. If you both want kids they truly won't be far behind marriage, and if you thought he was obsessive before just imagine if you get pregnant.
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First post,, how exciting !! Not sure if I'm sticking with this format, but I think I like it. My blog is almost completely set up and I have a few reblogs so... My askbox is open if you so please (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)
Who f/w black Izuku like I do ?? 🗣️🗣️
。⁠☆Requests open
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'hazbin hotel is such a great queer show!' haha right except it's sister show set in the same universe & made by the same person, has the main character blatantly call someone a r*tard as a way to insult them soooooooooooooo......hard pass
#but fuck disabled people amirite /s#hazbin hotel#helluva boss#tw ableist language#tw r slur#for the record the only way I know this is bc I was forced into watching hazbin + other show by my best friend#in case my best friend sees this do not trip I'm not mad or anything#I'm mostly shocked that this shit is actually popular#I found it really campy in an unfun way & full of WILDLY dislikeable characters#but whatever I'm fine to not like it on my own I don't care#but now all of a sudden it's become super popular and over on autostraddle where I venture sometimes#a fan wrote an article raving about hazbin and how it's got great queer rep in it's main female lead#and now ppl are commenting saying they're exciting to check it out and just...#like it's one thing to support shows/creators who think it's okay to just swing ableist language like that around#but what upsets me the most is a possible disabled queer getting interested FROM this article & going to watch it#only to get suddenly hit over the head with a slur against people like you that the person in the article didn't even bother to mention#because that shit hurts#I can't speak for every disabled person obviously but when people use r-slur as a direct insult around me#it's like getting smacked directly across the cheek#bc it's an easy reminder of how those people view people like you#and YES I know what I'm talking about happened in it's sister show but if they become a fan then they're likely going to watch the other on#language like this CAN be used tactfully for the record#like if it was used to show the character as a cruel person who uses slurs as such#and therefore paint them in an obvious bad-light to the audience so we better understand who that character is#but no from my memory the character just wanted to insult the other one and could've said anything#instead we have to resort to slurs like it's fucking family guy#'what great queer rep!' not to be all 'queer content has to be pure!1!!1' but folks we can do better then this
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kirby-the-gorb · 1 year ago
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storfulsten · 1 year ago
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colorful funky space friends
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hm kinda sus tbh
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wowbright · 11 months ago
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Love the assumption that if you are wlw then obviously you have to vote for Brittana as your favorite canon couple. As if sexual orientation determines which fictional characters' stories speak to you.
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shinraelectricpowercom · 11 months ago
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Current Events in Silm fandom rlly reinforce my feeling that, despite claiming an ethos of acceptance/tolerance of anything that doesn't hurt ppl, a lot of ppl in the section of Silm fandom I frequent do follow a set of socially-agreed-upon mores about what concepts are "not acceptable" to discuss or propose (or the ways in which certain topics must be discussed to be acceptable), that you all seem to have agreed on despite the things those mores restrict not being harmful to anyone.
And when someone does say smth that violates those mores, the response is disproportionate to the amount of harm done (which is typically none, imo). I know it's tempting to say "but we just want people to be comfortable and safe", but treating ppl badly for the sin of sharing thoughts you dislike is NOT the same as preventing people from doing things that are harmful. The former is much more of a harmful behavior than the sharing of the thoughts that sets it off. Fannish etiquette, people: you shouldn’t act like someone’s meta makes them morally suspect just because you disagree with it; save the “this is morally bad” for things that are ACTUALLY harmful. We're all stuck on this website together & if you want to have any sort of community, you need to ACT like you're in a community, and that means letting other people say things you dislike. Block them if you need to! I block people all the time because i know it's better for me AND for them if we can both blog in peace.
I am not particularly comfortable with the young-queer-on-tumblr silm fandom rn due to this tendency to rebuke things that are uncomfortable rather than harmful. Maybe that's fine with you. But if your goal is to make all fans feel comfortable and accepted, you need to actually do that. If your goal is to make people who share your unwritten rules comfortable in your space, you need to admit that, and write those rules down, and curate your space so it follows them.
Edited 8:10am PST to clarify the specifics of the behavior I find concerning.
#mine#if there had been Actual Harm done i'd feel differently#but when ppl are this worked up over 'what if [female character] was Also a bad person in a way that's reprehensible to our current morals'#and start going ‘hm this person is morally suspect for their Taste In Fiction’ im like. yikes! and you do this in the War Crimes Fandom?!#and like listen i Get that esp in this fandom there's a high incidence of like. ppl who are genuinely bigoted and stuff#and it can be stressful to see stuff that reminds you of that bigotry and the way those ppl use the work to justify their own worldview#but that STILL doesn't give anyone the right to police stuff that Isn't Bigoted. that's just not how this works.#and then in terms of 'well it's not policing it's just disagreeing' i have to say. that's where Etiquette comes in and i'm frankly#unhappy & annoyed that so many ppl in my age group seem to care more about being Right than being comfortable to share a fannish space with#but again whatever maybe they don't want me in their space. that's fine! i don't want to be in your space if it doesn't want me.#but i wish they'd fucking ADMIT THAT instead of going 'ooooh we accept everyone' and then turning around#and censuring ppl whose ideas they find icky. you can't have it both ways is all i'm saying. pick one and actually do it. for all our sakes#haha i might regret this tomorrow but i'm sooooo sleep-deprived and so annoyed#sorry to my non-silm followers it's just that i'm right and i should say it
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vse-kar-vem · 8 months ago
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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thegempage · 3 months ago
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eeeuuuuggghhh i'm gonna bitch in the tags a bit bcus this isn't like. serious enough to put more effort into it than that but i also don't want it to sit in my brain.
#little rock.txt#venting#self harm in tags btw#anyway. wow i hate intrusive thoughts.#like great guys. it's so cool that the way we're deciding to spend our time is constantly thinking about ways to hurt myself#oh wow stabbing myself with a knife someone left on the counter? so original. never been seen before#oh starving myself?? even when my lovely friend made us a whole dinner?? that's lovely. wow. not even a little bit rude#standing in traffic until someone comes and hits me? at least that wouldn't damage my fucking car like your other ideas!#taking something sharp to my sunburns for a two-birds-one-stone thing?? i guess you're making the best of the circumstances#like jesus fucking christ Grow Up. am i fifteen goddamn years old again#like if we're being So real the consequences of actually self-harming Far outweigh the benefits so i'm not at any real risk#(i do Not want to deal with the fallout of 1. cleaning those wounds 2. confronting my housemates with active self-harm#they actively do not deserve that happening to them)#(hi guys btw sorry. i'm fine)#but that just means i'm sitting here like. so are you gonna be productive or....?#like i had plans of what i wanted to do with my brain power tonight. was gonna write. maybe clip a stream. and we're...?#oh just sitting on my laptop playing music too loud bcus if i could hear my own thoughts it'd be a nightmare? neat.#jesus christ can i be a normal goddamn person for like fifteen minutes and get out of this anxiety spiral. it's been over 24 hours.#whatever. like at this point it's fucking whatever. if i can't drag myself into being productive i'm just gonna go to bed.#“opal is being mean to yourself really going to help” i don't know. i doubt it. unfortunately i am in the mood to be a bitch#and the only person who deserves to deal with bitchy opal is me. so.#anyway if you read all of this uuuhhh sorry. i am like this. but hey. thank you for caring
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jabeur · 8 months ago
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question. is it possible for smut to be both hot and super fucking cringe
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ereborne · 8 months ago
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Song of the Day: March 26
"Songs About Rain" by Gary Allan
#song of the day#you might think that this is the opposite of 'Groovy Little Summer Song' but nope! closer to same because (drumroll)#they are one of the very best categories of thing: Country Songs About Country Songs#I love them. I adore them#'Songs About Rain' is one of the strongest and best examples of type I have (also 'Cheatin Songs' by Midland. impeccable)#'and it sure ain't easin my pain / all these songs like / Rainy Night in Georgia / Kentucky Rain#Here Comes That Rainy Day Feelin Again / Blues Eyes Cryin in the Early Mornin Rain#they go on and on and there's no two the same / oh it would be easy to blame / all these songs about rain'#what a gift. what a delight. legitimately hard to sing this song in a mournful voice because it makes me so damn happy#anyway as you might glean from how this is posting at 3 pm my time: my sleep schedule is /fucked/#I did have part of the bad conversation with my boss on Monday (immediately followed by garden times#which so overtook me that I spoke only about the garden and good spring feeling in my song post. what a blessing the garden is)#but mostly what happened is I said 'hey it is technically possible for me to make this but it will not help it will not do anything useful'#and my boss said 'but you can make it' and I said 'yes but we shouldn't. it will be a waste of time' and she said 'make it by Thursday'#and I said 'I absolutely cannot make it by Thursday. if I finish instead this better thing I've already been working on--'#and she said 'no we don't care about that thing. make part of the useless thing. by Thursday morning'#and I said 'if I bring you part of the useless thing and part of the good thing and I directly compare them in front of you--'#and she said 'we'll look at whatever you have Thursday morning but it's the useless thing we care about'#so the meeting is scheduled and I'm going to plead for the life of my better thing and probably the best I'll get is permission to do both#which is. I mean the useless thing is going to be a time-waster for sure but at least it won't be actively detrimental to anything?#it'll be fine I'll make it be fine. the inherent problems of when your boss doesn't actually know what you do for them I guess :/#(also maybe. maybe if it comes down to it. maybe I'll just make the good thing for myself and use it to make my own life better#and someday maybe they'll ask for a project that works and then I'll be able to dramatically unveil it but either way I'll benefit from it#hmm maybe yeah)
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meltedhorror · 1 year ago
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Considering coming back.
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rollercoasterwords · 2 years ago
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i am once again asking people not to share my writing if u aren't going to credit me!
this is gonna be a bit of a rant i think. sorry but also i'm just fed up at this point lol
i've already. mentioned this or talked about it a few times on my blog but like. here's the ~official post~ i guess because over the past year i have lost count of the amount of times i have come across a post--usually on twitter or tiktok--that is quite literally just a direct quote from one of my stories copied and pasted without a single reference to where it came from or who wrote it.
so like, quick reminder:
this is not a quote.
"adding quotation marks to it does not make a quote."
"a quote is only a quote if you QUOTE THE PERSON WHO IT CAME FROM." - rae, @rollercoasterwords tumblr blog
does that make sense???? PLEASE tell me that makes sense. to make it even clearer:
if you are going to quote my writing in a tweet, please include AT LEAST my ao3 username (rollercoasterwords) and also, ideally, the fic title that you are quoting from. if you want to throw a link to whatever ur quoting from, great! but like. at the very least, all i am asking is that you add "quote" - @rollercoasterwords on ao3
if you are going to quote my writing in a tiktok, please include AT LEAST my ao3 username either clearly in the video itself or clearly at the very beginning of the caption, where anyone looking at the video will be able to see it immediately. please don't just put credit in a tag at the very end of a long caption where it isn't clear which tag is the fic title the quote is coming from; please don't just put it in a comment that not everyone will open and find; please don't just put it in a response to someone else's comment asking you what fic the quote is from. and please don't put no credit at all--i've seen tiktoks of my own writing without even quotation marks to let people know that it's a quote! like...at that point you're just plagiarizing my writing for...what? tiktok views? like. ok.
other writers might feel differently about how you credit them when quoting them, but for me--this is what i'm asking. just. at the very least, clearly include my ao3 username, so that people know who wrote the thing that you're sharing.
and like. i think there's this idea that you're doing me a favor by sharing my writing, in any capacity, on the internet. and at the risk of sounding harsh, i want to be very clear: that isn't true. if you are sharing my writing without any indication that it is even mine, then you are not doing me a favor. you are taking something that i worked very hard on and using it to get a few likes for yourself. i know that it's fanfiction, and i know that once i post something on the internet it is, to a certain extent, outside of my control. but like...this isn't something i'm profiting off of. it's not something i'm trying to get the most views possible on. the only reason i'm sharing it on ao3 is so that people who appreciate it can find it, and so that i can connect with those people who take the time out of their day to leave a comment or send a message saying "hey, i loved this, thanks for sharing it!" i would rather have only 5 people see my writing and like it and genuinely connect with me over it than have 5000 people see my writing and like it and never have a single one of them know who actually wrote it.
anyway. i'm not trying to sound ungrateful, y'know? i do truly, sincerely appreciate that there are people out there who have been moved enough by my writing to want to share it with others. but this isn't a numbers thing for me, ok? the amount of people looking at a thing i wrote is not what makes writing worth it to me, and i would truly, genuinely, just rather not have a single person share my writing on twitter or tiktok than have like. fifty people share it without crediting me.
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house-on-sand · 1 month ago
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hm
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senseless-blabbering · 2 months ago
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kinda really sucks that i've been made to feel so obnoxious and wrong that i just can't really talk about anything myself unless i'm asked something
#but hey that's what happens when everything you've done that felt safe and ok#kinda never was and you were told you only talk of 1 thing and don't care about anything else#but then now i'm told i'm apparently missed and it's missed when i used to talk freely about stuff#and i can't believe that. even if i try my hardest to#i know i can't do that and i know if i let go of my constraints and talk with no restrictions i'll be told off again#and if not then i won't be told it's not ok and i won't be told it's too much#and i'll be doing harm without realizing it#but that's what i deserve for not putting others before myself#i guess. sort of. went back to knowing that whatever i want or feel doesn't matter#so that's fine i suppose. i can still live and move on sort of#so. it's whatever. i'll be asked and i'll be talked to if i'm wanted or needed#whatever it is i do out of my own initiative or interest won't be welcome and that's ok too#as long as i keep finding happiness myself in something then. ok#kinda sucks to be hurt deeply and then blamed for reacting a certain way too#being told 'i'm hurt now' kinda fucking sucks. because i never wanted this to begin with#all i did was. feeling safe and talking a lot. but that was of course not ok#and god knows how not ok that had been. for how much time. and i wasn't told#now it's become extremely sensitive and i require 100% transparency on whatever happens or i feel insanely bad#like my chest just gives up. and i'm capable of being made guilty even when i'm honest about this too#so i think i'm kind of tired and i really don't know what else to do. and i don't feel like talking#but i'm still here. and i realize i don't feel anger or hatred or anything like it. there's just. kinda nothing#but if i'm asked or talked to i feel good and i feel ok#but because of my hurt i've become less reliable on that and i'm not believed when i say i still treasure it a lot#and despite being hurt i don't want to be isolated. it's just that i can't trust again#but oh well right. i apparently caused all this and caused my personality to completely change#so it's all on me i suppose
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featherymainffins · 6 months ago
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I thought I would walk some additional 14 km today and thus burn my accidental lunch (caved into peer pressure and went to a restaurant and had a salad instead of eating my perfectly counted can of tuna) and as such I agreed to go have breakfast with some friends tomorrow to celebrate the end of the excursion.
But I did not walk those 14 km because I wasn't able to get water + I just finished 12 hours of lectures + my arches were killing me + it was raining + I wanted to shower + I wanted to study + I was fucking freezing.
Which means I have to punish myself for my lack of discipline and I also have to make up for the food and that means I CANNOT have that breakfast. In fact I cannot have anything. For 2 days. Just to be sure.
So now I'm trying to figure out what lie I can make up. Currently thinking about saying that I just started to feel really nauseous all of a sudden and as such I unfortunately cannot eat breakfast oopsie. It feels really random and not really believable though.
#god this is so tiring. i wish i wasn't me so i could just live. people don't have to be ideal to earn being tolerated but i do#people don't even have an ideal and there should never be one. but there is one for me and the court of the world expects me to#always fit it. it's a competition and the jury is judging me. I'm constantly trying to win the case. to make the judge rule me innocent#of what I don't know. of everything i suppose.#but it's just exhausting. and I'm not sure if it's more exhausting to just give up and follow whatever the nagging voice says or#if it's more exhausting to fight it. i feel horrible and full of guilt and shame and terror either way so does it really matter?#if i die because my heart gives out or if i die by my own hand?#apparently bulimics have a much higher self-harm percentage but i personally have a tendency to harm my body after i eat#i don't want to do it but i recognise that that's partly exactly why i want to. my emotional torment is probably much more#of a goal than the physical pain. there's a part of me that wants to lead psychological warfare against me#and you know what it's like. it's fine. i accepted that i would die by my own hand a long time ago. I've always said that#i don't know when and that it might be in two decades or a year or a month or a day; but that one day i would go past the breaking#point and kill myself.#i think it's an inevitability of my life and I'm fine with that. someone has to kill themselves. someone has to be that number#in the statistics. there is no reason for it not to be me and if not me it'd be someone else#so it's fine#but yeah it's like...well it's been a run...not sure if a good one...but it's been a run and considering how much i just don't care anymore#i think this time it's really it. and i have a lot of responsibilities so I'm really pissed about it#but listen I'm just exhausted. my every waking thought is plagued by counting and avoiding reflective surfaces and wanting#nothing more than to stare into reflective surfaces for 20 minutes straight and check for every imperfection and irregularity#and check if everything is the same as the day before. i don't know if i should trust my eyes or my emotions or my logic#i don't know which is which. half of my brain power is devoted to making up plausible lies. 'i had a stomach bug earlier'#'im just really nauseous. yea accidentally had lactose earlier.' 'my stomach hurts so i shouldn't eat anything' 'i ate before i came here'#'oh i said i didn't have anything with me? i uhhh i went shopping yesterday evening actually'#i can't focus at all. I'm either too tired or the voice is too loud and too aggressive. i have no idea how I'm going to pass my classes
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