#but what about her rich inner life. is she also a horse girl. is she good at driving

[draconicace]

*kicking jean away and placing a spotlight so it shines directly on judit* talk more about her i'm dying here

[practicalmagicintuitions]

HC’s family and this situation.

All information and statements made in this reading or any other post of mine are all alleged until proven to be fact and for entertainment purposes & usage only. All information stated is based on my intuition and my tarot cards. Opinion only. The readings have no intention to cause any harm for the individuals, people featured in it.

How does his family see this situation? ( cardes pulled on 22/4)

They are worried, that's for sure.

Judgment rx, 6 of Wands, 8 of Cups, 

bottom card: Ace of Pentacles rx

There are a few cards I hate to translate for some reason and the Judgment is one of them. This card comes up a lot in HC’s reading, so I think we can say, his judgment is not the best and people around him see that. 

6 of Wands normally, alone a very positive card. There is a king on it on his horse and the people around him cheering. It means success, support, fans, applause, victory etc.

But if you have a 2+ card reading everything depends on the surrounding cards. 

His family thinks he (or them) absolutely misjudged his fans' reaction. I think they expected a cheering from them, a positive excitement. And this is a big win card so I don’t really understand why he expected this? Why should have been this a big win for him? It’s not a high profile relationship. 

It also could mean, because this is a leadership card, that he thought he would be the leader in this situation, and this was a failed judgment on his part too. 

8 of cups.

This card is losing interest and walking away. This card advises you to do something if you are not satisfied. It also could be a wake up call. So on one hand I think his family sees this situation as a potential wake up call for him. The way his fans reacted was different then HC thought and maybe, finally he will do something. This card also suggests someone doesn’t really know who he is and what he wants to do. And at this stage he can’t be rushed. This is something his family has to accept. Maybe it will be a slow procedure. I am not necessarily talking about a long relationship between him and NV, but this whole thing and its aftermath will be long and slow. 

This card also suggests much inner and outer work has to be done! 

In a relationship it’s a change of heart, lost interest. In this reading I think it’s more about the fans not NV. So I think his family definitely sees the change in the fandom’s feelings. And they think the recovery may not be possible , because the negativity, the sourness is too much. 

And this led to us the last card, Ace of pentacles rx.

It is basically a money loss card, when you cannot hold the opportunities in your hand. It also means setbacks and delays in a project or losing a job. Again this card has a slow down and don’t rush meaning in terms of financial investments and business. So both 8ofC and AofP advise to slow down, take a breath. Probably this is something HC is lacking according to his family. He probably makes rushed decisions. 

I do not want to suggest anything like this, I just have to mention this card could mean a corrupt use of money and shady business deals. 

How his family sees NV?

The Magician, 6 of Swords rw.  (Cards pulled on 23/4)

The Magician is a Major arcana card, so it’s a very powerful. 

First of all this is a masculine card, so it could suggest a very powerful male presence. And maybe this is true, maybe there is a powerful male in this story behind NV’s back but I think this card is more about her.

I got more than one time The Empress rx in terms of NV so I think she has more masculine energy then nurturing female energy. Which is absolutely all right until we use those energies rightfully and not abuse their power. 

The Magician is the manifesting card, the I get what I want card. The me, myself and I card, the ego card. The Magician is talented and can make things happen. Focused, determined. The Magician can tell you what to do, how to embrace your potential, how to be committed to your cause, how to use your resources. 

On the other hand however, this card represents someone who can be manipulative. Who can use trickery. 

Mary K. Greer wrote many amazing books on tarot and one part of her definition on this card is this : “ You could be promoting yourself or pitching a project or otherwise using persuasive tactics” she also said : “ At worst, you use guile and trickery to foster an illusion, manipulating the truth to serve private ends” 

But either way this card represents someone who is very strong and determined. And this is what I see again and again if NV is involved. She is strong! She won’t go away just because boohoo, fans don’t like her. She is not immune to the criticism, but she stands strong. And this is obvious for his family, because they see her like this too. 

6ofSw rx is staying on the turbulent water in a sinking boat. Again, staying, being stuck.

It also means you were named in some public scandal ( Sweet 16 maybe?).  His family feels embarrassment because of this scandal and I think NV is emberresd too, but I don't see she will address her past behaviour. 

This card strongly suggests someone who generates drama in her own life, who is gossipy, who is a troublemaker. It also means forced to leave. So, again, I think his family sees her as someone who is hard to get rid of.

All in all, they see her powerful, who has aims and goals and determined. But they also see someone who generates and causes drama, who in somewhat enjoys the wave she makes. They see her as someone who could be emotionally and mentally destructive. 

When I was thinking about how can I translate what I feel or see in this situation the radio started to play Hall & Oates’s Rich Girl. Do you know this song? And I was like, damn…. this is it. I copy/paste the first 2 verses. 

You're a rich girl, and you've gone too far

‘Cause you know it don't matter anyway

You can rely on the old man's money

You can rely on the old man's money

It's a bitch girl but it's gone too far

'Cause you know it don't matter anyway

Say money, but it won't get you too far

Get you too far

 And don't you know, don't you know

That it's wrong to take what is given you

So far gone, on your own

You could get along if you try to be strong

But you'll never be strong 'cause

You're a rich girl, and you've gone too far...

[cherrywoes]

i. the girl in the foxes’ den.

chapter one. queen of shiratorizawa.

a/n: dedicated to @godjo​ because reasons :’) 

WHALE BONE HUGGED TIGHTLY at your ribcage, the silk ribbons of your corset pinching and pulling all of your body’s fat into your waist to the point where you could barely breathe past the stays. Bent over your vanity, fingers gripping the painted wood so firmly that your knuckles went white, you exhaled a shaky breath and pushed all of the air from your lungs as the maid pulled a final time. Tears squeezed past your lashes when she finished, adding an additional jerk to knot the bow tightly. You remained over the vanity even when she departed to your closet to retrieve a dress for you to wear for the evening, your breaths shallow and uneven. With each tiny inhale, you watched your chest—pushed past decent and bordering on obscene with the aid of extra fabric—rise and fall, and felt a red flush creep up your neck from the exertion.

“Your Highness, your dress for the morning.” You watched the maid lay a gorgeous gown upon the crushed velvet duvet on your bed through the mirror, the rich purple appearing like ripples of waves under the rays of sunlight peeking through your window. She patted it down and turned to face you, hands clasped primly in front of her like all the maids were taught, docile as if she hadn’t just forced you into a corset that was a few sizes too small for you. She’d dug that monstrosity out from your prepubescent teenage years and insisted you would fit into it. “You will be meeting with Sister Yui to discuss the rising number of—”

“I’m aware of what my schedule is,” you interrupted her, struggling to straighten your shoulders out to their fullest potential. There was an odd stiffness in your spine from the corset and you tried to appear as natural as possible, relaxing your abdominal muscles against the tight space. “What I want to know is news from my brother. Has there been any word from either he or Tendou?”

The maid had the nerve to shake her head and look disappointed for you rather than at you. You were offended that she had the gall to do it in front of you as well. “I’m afraid not, my lady. None of the messengers have been moved since yesterday.”

You stared at your face in the mirror and patted delicately at the perspiration dotting your forehead with a silk handkerchief. The room was hot—perhaps it was just you—and you were irritated. First with the maid, who had some spine on her to pity you, and now with your brother’s apparent lack of communication with the messengers. If Wakatoshi wasn’t seriously hurt, you were going to rip him a new one for ignoring all of your letters and indirectly putting you in charge of managing his affairs while he was away.

“Very well then.” Squinting in the mirror, you plucked at a stray hair near your eyebrow and fueled all of your inner rage into a placid mask of complacency and politeness. They should bow down on the ground and worship you for the effort it took to deal with the foolish people milling about you like clockwork. It certainly was an exhausting endeavor on its own. “And the harpies that are eating my breakfast on the veranda?”

The maid looked at you with quick, wide eyes. You just barely caught it in the mirror, loosely plucking at hairs that weren’t there, and lowered your hand to the vanity with a smug smile. You’d thought as much; it was far too quiet inside the palace for it to be just you and the staff present. There was someone else here, a multitude of someones, ones you hadn’t invited yourself. No, it was more likely that the woman who envisioned herself as Wakatoshi’s future Queen had invited herself and her entourage and simultaneously manipulated the entire staff into serving her as if she was the Queen. You could see the truth of it in the maid’s face.

You sighed and set down the tweezers in your hand, drumming your fingers against the vanity. Since you were already in a corset, there was no reason for you to make the torture you’d gone through worthless in the end, so you couldn’t wear one of the foreign dresses with gaping slashes from neck to navel just to shock them, but you had another plan in mind, one that would be equally as shocking, especially for a princess of your renown. You just had to show that try-hard Duke’s daughter what she would be competing against for the rest of her life: you.

For it to work, though… Your eyes went to the maid through the mirror again, contemplative, and she squirmed under your gaze. You needed the trust of the staff, which was obviously being swindled in that Duke’s daughter’s favor—they were all stupidly gullible when someone turned on the water works and begged for their help. No, you needed to get rid of her and do this on your own, or else they would warn them in advance.

“Leave,” you said airily, waving your hand towards the door and picking up a livid red shade of lipstick. The gold, spherical case cast your reflection back at you, as pristine as the day it had been gifted to you by the heir of the Haiba family, a famous producer of cosmetics among royalty. You were sure that Lev wouldn’t mind if you used his precious formula to put a gold digger in her place.

“I’m sorry?” The maid squeaked, then amended,”Your Highness?”

You turned around and raised your eyebrows, lipstick in one hand and the other pointing to the door. She just indirectly proved that she was obeying that bitch’s orders and not yours. “I told you to leave. Do I really need to repeat myself?”

“M-My Lady—”

“I said go,” you repeated, sauntering over to your fireplace and removing the sword mounted over it. It had been a gift from Wakatoshi, as avid a swordsman as ever, and still had a sharp edge to its blade. You had used it to cut off greedy fingers on more than one occasion and you had no issue with using it on a disrespectful maid’s face for questioning you.

She was gone before you even fully turned around. You heard her footsteps thumping against the marble floor in your room and outside the door, then down the hall, presumably to report to her new mistress how awful you were. Of course, your reputation as a meek, docile, and pacifistic woman was indestructible—no one would believe her even if she had solid proof. You and Wakatoshi had spread that little rumor yourselves, backed it up in public and in private, so no one would think twice about it, especially coming from a maid who had a lot to gain from slandering nobles.

This was how you worked. This was how Wakatoshi wanted you to work—to protect yourself from anyone who might wish to harm you or the kingdom. One wrong move and you could drag them down to the darkest pits of hell with no way to get out, wishing they were dead but completely at your mercy. You were Shiratorizawa’s trump card, their magnum opus; one wrong move against you was one wrong move against the entire kingdom.

And Kurotsuchi Yui had just made one disastrous move against you.

You had to admit, your plan would certainly raise eyebrows, but you were highly known for your adventures into fashion—it was all you wanted to do besides crush your enemies into smithereens—and, well, it wasn’t as if there weren’t more progressive kingdoms who wore equally as daring clothing in their day to day life. Shiratorizawa wasn’t one of them, but if you set your mind to it… It may just play a double edged sword.

Your plan cemented in your mind, you skipped over to your closet and immediately sought out your riding pants in the mess of silk, chiffon, and muslin. They were high quality, form hugging, and absolutely impolite to wear in normal company if you weren’t riding for the day, but it wasn’t as if you weren’t riding later on; you’d just have to ride your own horse to the orphanage instead of taking a carriage. It wasn’t  something to complain about, your muscles needed the workout anyways. Desk work was so gentle on the body, Wakatoshi complained, and you seconded that thought.

Your riding pants secured, you scoured your closet for that one blouse you had been gifted by a notorious lingerie designer down in the red district during your routine checks to make sure everyone was abiding by the new tax laws in place. It had been so scandalous that you had tossed it in your trunk without a second thought, face flaming red (this was also when you were younger, you would have never been so ashamed if it were recent). But now, you were going to put it to good use, and you prayed it still looked like it would fit. 

Pulling it out from the almost back of your closet, hidden behind absolute mammoth dresses from a time of ballgowns and petticoats, you grinned at your triumphant discovery, marveling in the delicate lace hem and high collar. It was as gorgeous as you remembered it and the perfect weapon to teach Yui a lesson.

Only… You stared at the collar of the shirt and the deep identical slashes in the arms to expose your shoulders, as well as cutouts in the sides to flash your hips to the world. Isn’t it a little too revealing?

It was too late now to back out of your plan, however. You had at least another twenty minutes before breakfast was over and the women scattered to various parts of the castle to conduct their own little ‘tours’ as if they were supposed to be there. You left your hair alone, as it was fine after running a brush through it, and only wore the smallest amount of makeup because you had an impression to make. Wakatoshi had told you that you looked intimidating when you wore a full face of make-up and wondered what your eagle form would be if you ever got it.

As you got dressed, you had to wonder if you would ever get your eagle form at all. Wakatoshi had gotten his at an early age, but that was typical for the men in your family. The women got theirs around eighteen or so, but you had yet to get yours, already in your twenties. You’d always wanted to experience the joy of flying, hearing stories from soldiers about how it felt to soar through the skies, and while Wakatoshi was more than happy to take you flying, it just wasn’t the same. It was your only disappointment to your mother in your entire life, one she never got over even on her deathbed. Your father was more considerate about it, having been born outside of Shiratorizawa, and treated you like he treated Wakatoshi: like his child. Your mother was not so kind.

You tugged the shirt over your head and let it settle over your body in a rush of fabric. It was tight and form fitting, not what you had expected from it off of the hanger, and somehow held the high collar in place. You couldn’t actually see the corset through it or the gaps in the sides, but you could tell you were wearing one by the way your chest was supported. Overall, it looked new, like you’d intended, and the complete opposite of the trends going on at the moment. If you could turn the tides, that would be just another thing to rub in Yui’s face.

Content with your choice, you tugged on your riding boots and strode out the door, snatching up your riding crop and leather gloves on the way out. You pulled your gloves on as you walked down the hall, clenching and unclenching your fists to break in the slightly new leather. There were no guards or maids in sight as you sauntered down the hallways; you could make out the faint laughter coming from the veranda, each high pitched cackle sounding suspiciously like Yui. Her laugh reminded you of a duck; cuck, cuck, cuck in the back of her throat, never from her chest, and it irritated both you and Wakatoshi whenever you heard it in polite company.

When you stepped out onto the veranda, you realized where all of your guards and maids had vanished to. They stood catering Kurotsuchi Yui and her group of crones, guarding them as if there was some threat to be had against their person, the only one of which was you if you could get your hands around one of their pretty little necks.

“And then I—Oh!” Yui noticed you as she was doing a cursory sweep of the women to make sure they were laughing along with her. The slight trepidation that crept in her voice had you smiling internally; you were the one in charge with Wakatoshi gone. “[Name], I didn’t think you were going to join us. I thought you had joined King Ushijima on his scouting retinue.”

That was an awful excuse and she knew it. There was always an Ushijima at Shiratorizawa when one was away, even a fool knew that. She was digging for crumbs of a reason and failing.

“Of course I wasn’t,” you blinked innocently. You took the only empty chair at the other end of the table, across from Yui at the head, and crossed your legs to rest your riding crop over your knee. “I don’t know where you got that idea from. I also don’t know where you got the idea that you’re welcome here.”

The girls sitting around Yui squirmed in their seats while Yui herself fumed.

“I’m the future Queen,” she informed, red flushing into her cheeks. “Everyone says so.”

“Do they really?” You deadpanned, reaching over and snatching up a piece of fruit from a platter. It was from the royal garden, an even greater offense; she was being served like a royal in the family. Your mother was rolling over in her grave at the slight. “It makes no difference to me because in the end, you’ll never be queen if I have a say in it. And you know I do, Yui.”

She was completely silent, glowering at you from across the table because she knew you were right.

“Anyway.” You tilted a glass of wine around, watching the dark red liquid swirl against the sides. “All of the maids who are here, you’re fired. Gather your things immediately and make your way to the royal gold minister and get your last pay. Knights, return to the barracks and switch out with the Elite Knights under the conception of manipulation.”

With that, you had effectively upped the rigidity of the palace and simultaneously stripped Yui of all of her support and backing in one fell swoop, just like an Ushijima should. She was shaking with anger when the maids and knights began their melancholy walk back inside the palace to make their way to their respective areas. 

“It was nice seeing you, Yui.” You stood up and smiled, gathering your riding crop and turning towards the building where your horse was being housed. “Hopefully I don’t have to see you again.”

The threat underlying it went unsaid: you would do worse next time.

Laughter bubbling up in your throat, you bit your lips and made your way to the stalls, the stablehand saddling up your gorgeous Perlino mare that Wakatoshi had gotten you for your fifteenth birthday. She was vicious and maternal and the best friend a girl could ask for; she had a slight biting issue with men, but that wasn’t something you felt like fixing. If anything, you encouraged it, relishing in the shocked expressions of the men who tried to impress you by showing you how to ‘handle’ a horse. It was the highlight of your day.

As you were riding towards the orphanage, a pair of Elite Knights at your side, you looked up in the sky and spotted an unusual number of eagle shifters soaring through the clouds at a breakneck pace. Assuming it was just Wakatoshi returning from his trip, you looked back down and focused on heading to the orphanage, unaware of the world shattering news that they carried with them…

And the announcement of the new Queen of Shiratorizawa.

MASTERLIST.

< PROLOGUE | TWO >

[mopeytropey]

a beer buds series: chapter 5

newest update available below the cut and on AO3 here :) those of you anticipating more of gay disaster!Lexa should be pleased ... 

Timeline: takes place between chapters 4 and 5 of 'apu' after Clarke attempts to host a dinner party only to have Lexa arrive as her only guest

Beer: Sunday Paper IMPERIAL STOUT WITH COFFEE

The smoothness of this beer belies it’s 9.9% ABV. Fresh roasted coffee nose leads into a smooth and rich roasted dark chocolate and coffee flavor with hints of dried black cherries.

ABV 9.9%

Sunday Paper Imperial Stout: Exhibit A (Framingham, MA)

Lexa has settled into the worn comfort of Lincoln’s sofa for all of six minutes before a large, curious ball of grey fur is sitting beside her. The cat blinks up at her with its owlish eyes the color of rust, and Lexa smiles while rubbing behind its ears.

“I still can’t believe you’ve named your cat after my father.”

“Come on! Tell me she doesn’t look exactly like Gus!” Lincoln shouts from the nearby kitchen.

The cat begins to purr at Lexa’s doting touch, and she thinks it enhances the resemblance even further. A docile temperament hidden beneath the imposing stature of her father. Uniform grey coloring gives way to a wide swath of darker fur beneath the cat’s chin, cascading down its chest like an unkempt beard. Lexa smiles again. Gus the cat has a bulky frame but is gentle and affectionate. She thinks the comparison is entirely apt.

“She’s bigger than when I was here last,” Lexa observes as Lincoln enters the room carrying two glasses of dark beer with heavy foam.

“She eats like a horse,” he laughs, setting a drink in front of Lexa before collapsing onto the other end of his couch. “Plus, I’m fairly certain Octavia is spoiling her with extra treats. Cheers, buddy.”

Gus abandons her immediately for the comfort of Lincoln’s lap while Lexa retrieves her glass.

She reaches down the short expanse of sofa cushions to clink her glass against Lincoln’s. “How drunk am I going to be after this one?”

“Imperial stout. 9.9%,” Lincoln smiles. “But, I’ve got lasagna and garlic bread in the oven to compensate.”

“So I’ll be hungover and doubling my running route tomorrow. Thanks a lot.”

“What are friends for?” Lincoln beams. “Hey! We should do 1A down to the island and back—weather is supposed to be super mild tomorrow and I’m done with my meetings by 4:00.”

The route past Clarke’s house.

The new information of Clarke’s residence is like a hot coal buried deep in Lexa’s stomach. The architecture. The pungent smell of the marshes. Seeing Clarke backdropped by her own surroundings had completed so much of the picture Lexa has been composing for months. Everything about the house, and Clarke in it, made sense—from the colors of her open kitchen to the art hung on the walls to the spiral staircase that Clarke practically forbade Lexa to ascend.

She swallows, wondering if the blush she feels on her cheeks will show in the low light of Lincoln’s living room. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“So, how was it on Tuesday? Sorry we bailed.”

Not for the first time, Lexa wonders if Lincoln has somehow infiltrated her inner thoughts based on the timeliness of his ask. The inquiry does nothing to lessen her blush, but Lexa hides further embarrassment behind a large sip of stout.

“You mean showing up for a dinner party to find you’re the only guest in attendance? Not awkward at all, that’s for sure.”

Gus seems to vacillate between the two of them for a moment, finally curling against Lexa’s leg and pushing her paws into Lexa’s thigh when she sinks her hand into thick, soft fur. The sound of Gus’s purring is amplified by Lincoln’s quiet apartment, and Lexa begins to relax with its perpetual hum.

“Yeah, but it’s Clarke,” Lincoln laughs. “I’m sure you guys had fun without us anyway.”

Lexa can’t decide if he’s really so oblivious or playing dumb for her sake, but she looks at him like he’s sprouted a second, immaculately shaved head anyway. She is tempted to recount every movement, and look, and smile, and gesture that she was forced to endure in Clarke’s company that made her feel, in fact, incredibly awkward. And, unsure. Anxious. Elated. Questioning every decision she’d ever made in her life to that point.

But, sure: fun is more succinct.  

“We had a nice time.” Lexa smiles into her beer, remembering. “I think I talked a lot.”

“I’m sorry—what?” Lincoln further mocks her by cupping a hand around his ear as if to hear her more clearly.

“You’re such an ass. Why do I even hang out with you?”

“I’ve been grandfathered in,” Lincoln shrugs.

“When we were out on the boat, Clarke shared some things with me—personal things—and it felt like it was time to reciprocate.”

“Her dad?” Lincoln asks in a far more cautious tone. Lexa nods, taking another sip of the dense, dark beer. “The way the girls talk about him, he sounds incredible. A great guy to have lost so soon. O says the Griffins practically raised her. She really loved Jake.”

“I think Clarke’s connection with him was quite strong.”

Lincoln slowly nods through a heavy sigh. “So, how much of the backlog did you offer up in return? How far back into the Brooklyn archives did chatty Lexa venture?”

He’s broken the mood, and Lexa gives him a grateful smile. “Quite a bit, actually. I was also sort of high at the time.” Lincoln almost chokes on a sip of beer as Lexa shrugs. “But, I’m glad I told her. It felt good to talk about it.”

“Yeah.” Lincoln’s dark eyes have taken on a distant quality, and Lexa suspects he may be thinking of Octavia. Perhaps he’s thinking of all the parts of his dark history that he’s been able to share with someone as strong and resilient and unwavering as her. For someone as reticent as Lincoln, it must feel like infinite relief to give that part of himself to someone else. “We beat some shit odds, didn’t we?” he finally says.

Lexa exhales a humorless laugh. “Understatement.”

It had been a childhood of survival for them both. Anya too. But then they found each other, and it started to feel less harrowing, less isolating and alone. Even when they lost track of one another—transported from one family to another, in different boroughs, different schools—Anya taught them to rely on a network of trusted contacts. Information from other kids in the system became the string that kept them tied together.

And then, during that frightening summer when Lexa was thirteen and Anya disappeared, lost to another state—shipped halfway across the country—Lexa wouldn’t let them rest until she and Lincoln found her. It would be another eight months before Anya landed back on New York City asphalt and Lexa could breathe steadily again.  

A timer sounding off in the kitchen breaks the atmosphere again, and Lincoln sets his beer down to briskly stand from the couch. “I’m gonna check on the lasagna. You good on beer?”

Lexa eyes him, incredulous. “I’ll be drinking this same beer in an hour. Quit trying to get me drunk.” Her phone buzzes while Lincoln exits, his laughter trailing after him.

Clarke’s name on her phone screen has Lexa shifting around on the couch, setting down her beer and resting her elbows on her knees. That now familiar coil of excitement swirls in her stomach as she opens the message.

Clarke Griffin (6:07PM): new artist featured at the coffee shop has some amazing photography of NY

Clarke Griffin (6:07PM): red hook, I think?

Lexa gives in to the tug at her lips, the way Clarke’s innocuous observation blooms warmth in her chest because of its casual consideration.

Clarke had been thinking of her.

She more often tries to suppress the way her mind wants to calculate just how much Clarke thinks of her. But tonight, she allows it. Even a momentary concession has Lexa biting at her lips to keep her smile from spreading.

(6:08PM): Clarke, please tell me you are not drinking coffee at six pm.

Clarke Griffin (6:08PM): Ok. Lexa, I am not drinking coffee at 6pm.

Lexa is readying her next reply, gently chastising Clarke for her irresponsible caffeine intake for what is likely the hundredth time, when Lincoln’s voice announces his return to the room.

“What’s Costia up to tonight?”

A lurch in her chest has Lexa nearly dropping her phone onto the floor. Mention of Costia while staring at an innocent message from Clarke is like a head-on collision in her brain. She blinks, closing her phone all together and setting it carefully on the table beside her beer.

It shouldn’t feel like an irritant, like vinegar in an open wound, but Lincoln asking after Costia grates the skin at the back of her neck.

Lexa works to remain calm, grinds her jaw, and goes for vague nonchalance. “Boston. Working late.”

“Damn, that sucks. Again?” Lincoln returns to the sofa and stretches his arm along the back cushions. Gus had since wandered off during Lexa’s less-than-scandalous text exchange about photography, but she returns to nuzzle at Lincoln’s calves.

“Par for the course,” Lexa exhales, willing herself to ease the raised hackles she feels along her spine.

Lincoln’s tone is sympathetic. “It’s been happening a lot lately, huh?”

After another sip of beer, Lexa turns into the couch, folding one leg beneath the other. “I’ve lost track, honestly.”

“We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but I have a lot of questions.”

Lexa runs her fingers through her hair and stares at the drink held in her right hand. She doesn’t like to think about all the ins and outs and what-ifs of her current relationship, let alone voice her wandering thoughts aloud. But, Lincoln is a good friend—more than that, he is an integral part of her found family. She finishes the last quarter of her pint in two or three gulps.

“I’m probably going to require more beer.”

Lincoln smiles kindly, patting her kneecap before taking the empty glass and standing once again. “More of the same? Or do you want to try something else?”

Lexa stops herself from asking for an entire bottle of whiskey. “What else do you have?”

“Come have a look,” Lincoln offers.

She follows him into a petite kitchen, further dwarfed by Lincoln’s immense stature.

“It smells amazing in here.”

“Should be ready in the next half hour or so,” Lincoln tells her as he swings open the fridge door. There is a low shelf stocked entirely with various cans of beer. “Pick your poison.”

Lexa squats onto her haunches to examine a few of the labels, in the end deciding on an IPA she remembers seeing on the taps at Dockside.

“That’s a good one. Octavia is obsessed with it,” Lincoln tells her as he opens his cabinets for a fresh glass and snaps the tab on the beer can for her. He hands over the new glass of beer before rinsing the can and tossing it into a squat recycling bin beside his trash can.

Lexa rests the small of her back against the edge of his kitchen counters and enjoys her first sip while Gus winds around her ankles and flicks her bushy tail.

“Octavia has good taste.”

“Tell me something I didn’t already know,” Lincoln smirks.

Lexa shakes her head in mock astonishment. “Legitimately. Such an ass.”

His smile transforms to something more genuine as Lincoln props his weight against the counter opposite. “She’s a complete workaholic—never stops thinking about the job, reading up on new techniques, emerging brewers, hop varietals. All of it. The success of that bar is her life. She lives and breathes it, and it shows.”

“But she—” Lexa adjusts the fit of her plaid button down, swallows her uncertainties with another sip of beer, and forces herself to engage in a conversation she has long since ignored. “You two still spend a lot of time together?”

“I think the fact that our mutual interests and careers virtually overlap sort of helps. But, yeah, I think regardless of that, we would still make time for each other.”

Lexa can only nod in response, returning to her beer in lieu of anything profound to say in turn.

“Are you guys able to spend any time together at this point? Costia’s schedule seems heinous.”

“We are. Here and there,” Lexa shrugs. “We went to see an exhibit at the MFA last weekend, which was nice.” Lexa frowns at the floor. “None of this is her fault. She tries.”

“There’s not always someone at fault when things stop working,” Lincoln says, not unkindly.

It doesn’t stop Lexa from grinding her jaw on instinct.

“I moved here for her. If we were to—I don’t even know what I would do if that happened.”

“Lex, you told me months ago that you were moving here to sort things out—not just with Costia, but with yourself, too.”

Lexa nods again and answers softly. “I know.”

“Let me ask you this: if Costia’s schedule were different, if she were able to do what she loved in school while also making more time for you and her, would it make you want to hang out any less with, you know, other people?”

Not so oblivious then.

He doesn’t have to say her name explicitly—the knowing look they share speaks volumes. Lexa looks away and licks her lips, stalling a response as her pulse quickens.

“I don’t know if—”

Her half-formed response is interrupted by Lincoln’s phone ringing on the counter beside him. He grins as he picks up the call.

“Speak of the devil. Hey, Clarke.”

Lexa sips her beer helplessly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other as her mind races. He’s answered the call on speaker, and Lexa braces for the distinct rasp of Clarke’s voice.

“Hey, it’s me,” Octavia answers, her voice sharp and distinct in it’s own way, and Lexa relaxes by a fraction.

“Oh! Hey, it’s you. Why are you calling from Clarke’s phone?”

“I can’t fucking find mine. Have you seen it at yours?”

“Uh, no,” Lincoln answers, nevertheless casting his eyes around the kitchen surfaces for any sign of it. “I can look around for it though.”

“We’re actually parked outside—”

“Hi, Lincoln!”

Clarke’s voice pipes through at a distance—as if Octavia hasn’t put the call on speaker but Clarke wanted to be included anyway. Lexa tenses in an instant.

“—on our way to Abby’s for dinner. Do you mind if I run up for a sec?”

“No, of course not. Come on up.”

“Are you sure? I’m not trying to interrupt your bro date with Lexa.”

“Hi, Lexa!”

“Clarke, is it possible for you to have any chill for longer than ninety seconds?” Octavia snaps.

A short and hushed squabble ensues over the next several seconds, likely within the confines of Clarke’s car. Lincoln shares a smile with Lexa across the small expanse of his kitchen as her stomach jumps with nervous energy.

“I’ll be up in a second,” Octavia grumbles.

She’s at the front door a moment later, and Lexa lingers by the kitchen doorway while Lincoln greets her with a brief kiss.

“Hey, Lexa.”

“Hi.” Lexa offers a half wave.

“I’ll be out of here so quickly, I swear.”

“Don’t worry about it. Do you want help looking?”

“Nah, I’m good. Clarke wants to talk to you anyway.”

This jolts Lexa to a standstill where she had begun to move slowly towards the sofa with Gus at her heels.

“Oh, she—I uh,” Lexa swallows down a fresh set of nerves that Octavia doesn’t seem to notice.

“Babe, can you check the back deck while I look in your bedroom? I was out there this morning for a little while, and I might have left it on one of the chairs.”

“Sure,” Lincoln answers, his arm still slung around Octavia’s waist as he leans down to kiss the top of her head.

They’re both gone from the room in another instant, leaving Lexa standing awkwardly between the front door and the couch where Gus has perched herself atop the back cushions. Lexa hesitates for long seconds, adjusting the rolled sleeves of her shirt while gnawing her lip as the decision to stay or go to Clarke flits irritatingly against her conscience.

Gus observes her solemnly, and she swears it’s the same look her own father pinned on her during that summer she turned sixteen and formed an unwavering desperation to impress Nathalie Rivera, who Lexa did not, irrefutably, have a crush on. Even going so far as to bribe Lincoln into teaching her the Spanish he’d picked up from his new foster mom. Lexa’s determination to get her attention could not be deterred, but she was not romantically interested in any way, Anya’s accusational taunts be damned.  

“Don’t give me that look,” Lexa tells the cat as she rests her beer on Lincoln’s coffee table, slips into her shoes, and heads for the door.  

She practically sprints (without logical cause) down the flight of interior stairs to the main door, which opens onto a front walk, at the end of which sits Clarke’s silver car. Lexa manages to calm her breathing enough by the time she reaches the driver’s side of the car that she’s not visibly out-of-breath, but her lungs feel constricted nonetheless.

“Hey!” Clarke beams as she slips from the driver’s seat when she notices Lexa approaching.

“Hi.”

Lexa forces her mouth closed to keep from audibly stuttering. Clarke is often dressed at Dockside in an expansive wardrobe that feels like a personal attack on Lexa’s wellbeing. But, something about seeing Clarke in jeans and a warm sweater, looking casually elegant for a dinner with her mother, has Lexa stumbling over basic conversation skills like she hasn’t in years.

“You’re, um, you guys have—” she clears her throat, completely ineffectually, and Clarke very poorly hides her amusement.

“We’re on our way to my mom’s. Raven just got this major promotion so we’re celebrating by letting her cook us dinner.”

Lexa places her hands into her front pockets and smiles at Clarke as if her whole body doesn’t feel like a brittle, shaken leaf.

“You maintain very bizarre friendships.”

“That’s an interesting take coming from one of my best friends.”

“I didn’t know what I was getting into,” Lexa smirks. “Clearly.”

Clarke looks away with a laugh and leans against the side of her car to cross her arms along her stomach. The gold of her necklace pendant glints in the streetlamp above them. She nods towards the house at Lexa’s back when her laughter has subsided.

“Sorry we crashed.” Clarke’s face scrunches prettily with guilt, and Lexa makes the wise decision to avert her eyes with a shrug.

“It’s totally fine. Unavoidable emergency, right?”

“Or, they just devised a pathetic excuse to makeout for a few minutes.”

“Right,” Lexa laughs. She cranes her neck to look back at the house. “Maybe I shouldn’t have left them alone.”

“At this rate, they could be grabbing a quickie.”

It’s now Lexa who is twisting her mouth at Clarke’s overt sexual reference, hiding embarrassment behind disgust. “Clarke, ew.”

It only serves to make Clarke laugh again, and Lexa is forced to look away a second time.

“So what’s up? Did you need something? Or, did you just really miss me?”

“What?” Lexa must look horror-stricken because Clarke is sputtering more laughter. “No, I’m just—Octavia said you wanted to see me.”

Smooth. Very smooth.

“I didn’t—” Clarke starts to protest, looking a little unnerved herself before rolling her eyes. “She’s an ass.”

The familiar insult makes Lexa laugh, and Clarke smiles in kind. “She’s well matched then.”

“Lincoln? An ass?” Clarke looks scandalized. “No!”

Lexa shakes her head with a long sigh. “You have no idea.”

A charged moment between them stretches taut, as it so often does, and Lexa is reminded of all the other moments that have preceded it.

Tuesday night spent salvaging a failed dinner party.

A blissful day on the water in Clarke’s boat.

Coffee along the harbor.

Aimless walks about town. Lingering goodbyes.

And, countless other instances in which Lexa must fight this same impulse. She’s not at liberty to admit to such wants, let alone act on them, but the thought of kissing Clarke persists behind a veneer of practiced composure.

Sometimes Lexa thinks that if Clarke were to lean in, make the decision for them both, she would let her.

Clarke is too good a person to make such advances; even hoping for such an outcome is wildly unfair, and Lexa hates herself a little bit for it.

She wears a regretful smile that she presumes Clarke has come to recognize—the way it is reflected back to her as Lexa sighs. “So, I guess I’m going to head back up. Lincoln has promised me twice my weight in carbs.”

“Ooh!” Clarke’s eyes light up as they so often do at the mention of food. “What’s on the menu?”

“Lasagna.” The answer comes from over Lexa’s shoulder, and she turns to see Octavia ambling down the front walk with a small plate and a mouthful of pasta. “And, it’s so, fucking good.”

“Aren’t you two on your way to dinner?”

Octavia shrugs, “Appetizer.”

“I hope you know you’re sharing that with me,” Clarke tells her as Octavia rounds the car and opens the passenger door.

“You’ll have to pry the fork from my cold, dead fingers.”

Clarke scoffs, opening her own door. “As if cutlery has ever stopped me from stealing food off your plate.”

“I’ll see you guys later,” Lexa smiles, taking one or two backwards steps towards the house.

“Later, dude,” Octavia answers before closing herself into the car.

Clarke smiles warmly, her eyes softening even as Lexa creates more distance between them. “Bye.”

Lexa can feel the warmth of Clarke’s gaze at the base of her stomach, swirling lazily. “Bye.”

She ascends Lincoln’s stairs briskly, determined to figure out her emotional baggage sooner rather than later and finally get her life together.

:::

[astrochiron]

The Signs :: Channel Orange // Frank Ocean

Aries- Sweet Life

“You've had a landscaper and a house keeper since you were born The starshine always kept you warm”

This line refers to an easy life, one of luxury and means. What’s more, this person has had these things since birth, not even earning these things themselves. An Aries rising chart is called natural, as their houses are led by their associated signs, their life tends flows easily and this person has had a similar life.

“So why see the world, when you got the beach? Don't know why see the world, when you got the beach”

Aries is the sign of self and your own experiences that you don't have to reach out for. This person has trouble seeing outside of their world and, in fact, refuses to branch out. They have the “beach” in their own mind allowing them to ignore the things going on around them.

Overall

This song is a challenge to look outside of oneself and your own comforts to empathize and experience the ways of others. Frank wants her to step outside of her privilege and her pretty surroundings to maybe experience something else, something less curated for them. The lyrics imply a sense of immaturity exhibited by the subject, not fueled by the search of fun but by circumstance.

Taurus- Pink Matter

“That soft pink matter Cotton candy, Majin Buu, oh, oh, ohh Close my eyes and fall into you, you, you My God, she's giving me pleasure” close my eyes and fall into you” 

This line provides sensory imagery of softness and pleasure, two things Taurus is associated with. Cotton candy and Majin Buu (a DBZ character) conjuring up safe and comfortable imagery of childhood and happiness. Frank’s moved on to another source of pleasure though, as this line alludes to sex and the pleasure of it. Taurus is associated with the physical pleasure of sex.

“Pleasure over matter” 

Both pleasure and physical mater are associated with Taurus. Taurus is an Earth sign, associated with physical matters like money, possessions, and even your relationship with your physical body. Pleasure is the ultimate goal and that is bolstered by the maintenance of physical means.

Overall

This song’s focus on the body, especially the feminine one, links it to the feminine sign of Taurus. While Virgo is linked with physical health and routine, Taurus shows how we view and worship the body. This song also focuses on desire, another Taurean trope.

Gemini- Thinkin’ Bout You

“A tornado flew around my room before you came Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't rain in”

The chaos and air-related tornado is a perfect symbol for Gemini, a restless and powerful force made of fluent thought and free-ranging speech (Air related things). Frank is also lying to this guy, saying his room is messy because of a tornado. I’m not implying Gemini’s lie, but they certainly have fun with the truth more than most signs.

“Since you think I don't love you, I just thought you were cute That's why I kissed you”

This song displays the inquisitive and impulsive nature of Gemini. Frank kissed the guy because he thought he was cute, plain and simple, almost like school kids on the playground. This also displays the dismissal of romantic disinterest (common in the manner of most air signs) for inquisitiveness.

Overall

The title literally has “thinking” in it, which is Gemini’s superpower as the mutable air sign. The whole song is something of a train of thought ramble that Frank is well known for, honestly. The whole song has a childhood vibe, even supported by Frank saying this is about a time when he was 17 or so. Gemini is linked with our formative years and though, 17 is a bit old for Gemini’s range, it’s still cerebrally nostalgic and witty.

Cancer- Forest Gump

“Forrest Gump You run my mind, boy Running on my mind, boy Forrest Gump”

Cancers have a tendency to linger on thoughts, especially the emotional nature of them. I don't think Cancers are crybabies (I'd give that more to Pisces who cry from happiness, frustration and sadness all in the same hour), but they are very emotionally strong and emotionally stubborn. Their emotions are forefront in memory and so is the way Forest made Frank feel.

“Forrest green, Forrest blues I'm remembering you If this is love, I know it's true I won't forget you”

The “Forest blues” points toward Frank being in feelings over a past situation. Whether over something that happened when they were together or over the break-up itself, Frank is sad and a cancer will never forget how someone made them feel.

Overall

This song has a focus on past feelings for someone, not specific memories. Cancers are very subjective and, instead of remembering facts about a memory, they'd be remembering how they were feeling during the time. As a bonus, the song is  named after an older movie which was itself based in nostalgia.

Leo- Super Rich Kids

“Real love, I'm searching for a real love”

Leos are associated with romance and unconditional love. Their search for joy and the uninhibited feeling of childhood makes them crave and seek true love, sometimes at the detriment of their well being, but aways for the better in the end. No matter how unhealthy, these two searching for genuine love from one another, though finding temporary joy in drugs.

“Caddy-smashing, bratty ass He mad, he snatched his daddy's Jag And used that shit for batting practice”

Earl’s whole rap discusses the more self-destructive traits of Leo. This line in particular shows the sometimes self-centered nature, expressing their anger by inflicting pain on others. Leos are very expressive and, despite their genial nature, are still passionate fire signs. This also a very childish expression of emotion, and our inner-child is linked with this sign.

Overall

Immaturity is often a negative trait associated with fire signs. Leo’s exhibit this immaturity when they may make bad decisions trying to seek love and acceptance, as well as looking for fun and enjoyment in the wrong places. And while not outright said, the subjects of this song seem to blessed (or cursed) with the fame and fortune associated with Leo.

Virgo- Lost

“And I just wanna know Why you ain't been going to work Boss ain't working you like this He can't take care of you like this”

This line display’s Virgo’s focus on work and duty. It also exhibits their often gently direct nature. This is very much a line a Virgo would say to their out-of-work partner, “This place is a mess! And I just wanna know; why you ain’t been going to work?” Virgos also take great care of their partner, even to the extent of being servile at times. He’s taking care of her and giving her a job.

“Hand me my triple weight So I can weigh the work I got on your girl”

Frank’s weighing out his product, showing the minutiae of his drug life. The song could focus on all the stuff he could buy for her, selling all these drugs, or even getting high on them himself, but instead he discusses weighing it up and strapping it to her. Frank employs this girl as a drug mule, being her boss and her lover; providing her employment and care (6th house).

Overall

Frank shows Virgo’s tendency to get caught up in work and the money coming in as opposed to the things that can be done with the money. Frank is always selling to give himself and the girl a better life, every drug run aways being the last one, but never really being the last one. The woman shows Virgo’s dedication to their partner, disregarding their own safety or comfort for their love.

Libra- Pilot Jones

“You're the dealer and the stoner With the sweetest kiss I've ever known”

This line represents the dichotomy of the user and the supplier. She’s both the source of his addiction and she enjoys the outcome of the addiction herself. This shows’s Libras’s tendency to be all things to all people. The last part also points toward Libra’s geniality and tendency to cover up ills and pains with kisses and sweet words.

“But if I got a condo on a cloud Then I guess you can stay at my place”

Despite all the bad decisions and toxicity, Frank is sayin that if he’s in a good place, she will be too. If he gets a raise, she benefits; if he buys a cheesecake, she gets a slice, if not half. When Libra’s are happiest, they want their partner there too, even if their partner was the reason for their unhappiness sometimes.

Overall

This song equates drugs with love, a metaphor I'd definitely associate with Libra. They don't need to be in a relationship, don't get me wrong; but it feels good. Librans lacking in self-expression or happiness or even stimulation, may turn to relationships just out of habit, even if they’re not with a “good” partner or one that is ultimately good for them. Frank is laid back in this song, allowing her to guide his high and really the whole relationship, taking Libra’s laid back and often lax attitude.

Scorpio- Sierra Leone

Spendin' too much time alone (And I just ran outta Trojans) Horses gallop to her throne

We all know about Scorpio’s focus on sex and the intimate connection formed behind it. This includes the first part of this line, as Scorpios tend to have intense relationships, often most intense in solitude with partner. This obviously doesn't involve only sex, but the intimate moments shared between two lovers when by themselves. 

“And a new day will bring about the dawn And a new day will bring another crying babe into the world”

Scorpio is linked with self-transformation, and the imagery of the new day bringing the dawn paints the picture of the whole world being renewed, as well as specifically the characters of this song and their evolutions. The last part of this line points to the birth of the characters’ child. The ultimate rebirth and the ultimate result of Scorpio’s sex and alone time, is a birth itself.

Overall

This song discusses an alternate Frank that got a girl pregnant young. It focuses on how different he’d be and how his life would be. This hypothetical thought experiment is very a very Scorpio thing to me, analyzing “what ifs” and “might be’s”. This song also focuses on the transformation of the characters, especially Frank, from stupid teenaged lovers to responsible parents by the end.

Sagittarius- Monks

“Mosh pits and bare chest Stage diving sky diver Spray the crowd with cold water Now it's mosh pits and wet tits I think I need a cold shower”

This whole verse gives Sagittarian vibes. Sag is ruled by jovial and beneficially social Jupiter. Each line exudes freedom, fun and physical exploration. The parties, lewd behavior, and stimulating music would all be perfect for Sags huge energy and need for experiences.

“African girl speaks in English accent Likes to fuck boys in bands Likes to watch Westerns And ride me without the hands”

This song represents the foreign interests of Sagtttarius. They love accents and different cultures and foreign people (romantically as well as platonically). There’s actually a hodgepodge of cultures represented with the African girl and her English accent with an interest in rock or grunge bands who watches American western movies and an... expansive physical repertoire. 

Overall

This song chronicles a meeting with a groupie, which gives to Sag’s rockstar vibe. Traveling countries, writing songs, and positively affecting masses are all things that Sagittarius is interested in. The groupies, they also probably wouldn't mind. As for the title, a monk, as defined by Oxford is “a member of a religious community of men typically living under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.” While the latter art of this definition sounds more like a Capricorn, evolved Sag’s are very monk-like once they’ve found their cause and their moral path.

Capricorn- Pyramids

“We'll run to the future, shining like diamonds In a rocky world, rocky-rocky world Our skin like bronze and our hair like cashmere As we march to the rhythm on the palace floor”

This line represents Capricorns focus on the future. Frank aims to be decked in gems, sun kissed and confidently walking even in a rocky world. Like Capricorn, he aims to dominate his environment and get the best out of it to his own benefit. He’s focused on improving themself and being presented as prestigious and as a king.

“The way you say my name makes me feel like I'm that nigga but I'm still unemployed You say it's big but you take it, ride cowgirl”

Capricorn’s get off on respect. Capricorn is one of those signs that has a link to sex, but primarily because of the power of it. She says his name like he’s the best, she compliment’s his assets, even if they’re still not too big for her. Even though he’s unemployed, he's still the head of household while they’re having sex. This points toward Capricorn’s sense of joy coming from others’ good perceptions of them, even if it’s not the right one. He’s broke, he may not have the biggest penis, and he may not even be the only one, but she makes him feel like all of those things aren't true.

Overall

Though metaphorical, this song focuses on history and royalty. Cleopatra may have been a Capricorn by some calculations and her outright rule of an empire as woman would support that. She was intelligent and business-minded and well-known. This song also shows a shift in status typically associated with Saturn and Capricorn. Though Saturn typically brings slow-but-sure progression, if the lessons it presents us aren't learned from and taken into account, it can take us down as high as it would drive us up. The character in this song goes from queen Cleopatra to Cleopatra working weekends at the Pyramid. Both demand attention, beseech respect, and accumulate wealth, though society sees them so differently.

Aquarius- Bad Religion

“And you say "Allahu akbar" I told him, "Don't curse me" "Bo Bo, you need prayer" I guess it couldn't hurt me “If it brings me to my knees, it's a bad religion, ooh’

The “bad religion” here shows the Aquarian distrust of religion. The driver tries to bless him, but he isn't interested in spiritual intervention, even though he did mention demons earlier in the song. Aquarians aren’t necessarily interested in or focused on religion because of the typical outright devotion involved in it. It’s a turn off for Aquarians and Frank is associating this with the unrequited love he's experiences with his crush.

‘This unrequited love To me, it's nothin' but a one-man cult”

I have a long analysis behind this next statement that I’m willing to back up one day but: Aquarians are attracted to odd social constructs especially things like cults. Every Aquarian I know has expressed interest in cults, dictatorships, or supreme leadership in the New World Order. That being oddly said, this line points toward Frank seeing himself as a worshiper in one of those cults and he wants the hell out. 

Overall

In this song we see how Frank made his love for this person his God and having it unrequited either caused or further proved his own negative feelings toward the whole idea of devotion and love. Aquarians also aren’t known for expressing their feelings in a conventional sense. Instead of going to a therapist and having to discuss feeling or going to a confidant and having to burden a friend or expose yourself to them, Frank chose to make his taxi driver his shrink, since he’s paying him anyway.

Pisces- Crack Rock

“You don't know how little you matter until you're all alone In the middle of Arkansas with a little rock left in that glass dick”

I’ve noticed that Pisceans have a bit of an inferiority-complex. This is typically portrayed a martyrdom but can even be expressed as. complete feeling of inadequacy and ineffectuality. This is due to their more tendency to outwardly exude peace even if they are in distress. This line also explicitly mentions crack, an extremely addictive substance. Pisces does have a link to addictions, though crack is bit extreme. We could replace crack with any momentarily-good but terminally-bad thing like constant sex, alcohol, less deleterious drugs, or even sleep and food. 

“Don't no one hear a sound Don't no one disturb the peace for riot Don't no one disrupt nirvana Don't no one wanna blow the high”

This line points out how Pisces tends to zone out and escape, especially when the world is a bit too much. Sleep is a common one, as Pisceans tend to have amazing dreams that likely beat a shitty or stressful life/situation. Nirvana, the ultimate escape, is associated with Pisces. They’re constantly trying (whether purposefully or subconsciously) to connect with the Great Other or the Universe or God. Anything blowing their high or disturbing their nirvana is cut off.

Overall

Frank said that he sung this song so it would sound like a smoker singing it. He wanted the fractured breath to show a long past and pain, as well as the self-abuse often an unintentional result of substance abuse. “Crack Rock” could also speak of a physical crack in a rock, separating from himself from the ones he loves due to the addiction. Isolation is common theme for Pisces.

check your moon sign (for the song that makes you comfortable and puts you in your emotions), sun sign (the song that makes you happy and the one you ride around to) and venus sign (the one that speaks to your inner artist).

[fairymadnessyeah]

Secrets in the Dark

Shigadabi week day 1

Ao3 Link

Summary: After a job well done, the party starts their journey home. But the path is tricky and the past sneaky when memories start to show their ugly face.

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Memories / Fantasy / Bittersweet 

"We'll rest here for the night," Tomura said as he watched the rest of his party drag their feet through the forest floor.

As Bounty-Hunters, their jobs were usually easy. They did what people didn't want to do. Nobody would search for a murderer or criminal and risk their life when you could hire them and let them do it for you. Nobody would go into a dungeon when they would go for the right amount of money. It didn't always go the way the client wanted, but that was their fault for trusting Bounty-Hunters.

This job was one of those examples. They had been hired to retrieve a dagger from a nearby hunted cave. The legend said it could reveal every secret someone had and, judging by the unhappy married life the lord who hired them had, he probably wanted to check if his wife had a lover. Too bad they wanted the dagger more. The quest took them two days, one to retrieve the weapon and another one to forge it.

It wouldn't be the first time they did something like this. Twice, an excellent alchemist and blacksmith, was the best at making doubles of things. The copies didn't last though, so once they were paid and started on their journey back home, the lord figured out their scheme. He sent a squadron after them, who chased them non-stop. When night fell, they had finally lost them but were too tired to continue.

"Wonderful idea, Tomura," Compress exclaims as he takes out a marble of his pocket and throws it to the ground. The marble explodes and reveals a giant tent, which they all enter.

"Ugh, I'm beat," Spinner moans and starts cracking his bones behind his scaley skin. "How far are we from Furesurbs?" he asks and collapses into the pile of cushions he slept on.

Furesurbs was the cannibal city of the continent. Only the bravest and most skilful of heroes had been able to go through it without ending dead. Or that was what the common people knew. Foresurbs was actually a lawless city. Thieves, killers, Bounty-Hunters, they all lived in peace with plenty full jobs to earn money. The hero who ever stepped foot inside was dead the moment he breathed.

"I'll track a course for tomorrow, for now just rest," he tells the others and takes out his map of the region. As a warlord, he was well-versed on many subjects. He was almost positive he was the only one who had had an education in some way. But then again, they didn't know much about Dabi or Compress.

Their group of Bounty-Hunters, The Vanguard Action, was not the usual group. If anything, their partnership shouldn't work. Why would it? A Warlord apprentice, an Alchemist with a personality disorder, a druid with a craving for blood, a known thief and con-man, a survivor from the Draco kingdom and ex-slave, a witch trapped in a man's body and a cursed runaway arsonist. Their teamwork should have been a disaster, a failure.

Yet, somehow, after half a year of travelling together, they had become such a tight group that Tomura was sure his Sensei would be disappointed of his attachment. But in an unlikely moment, the young warlock didn't care. His Sensei's approval and pride should be his drive, his greatest achievement. But his party -his friends- they meant the world to him, and he would make sure that when his time to rise came, they would get everything they wanted.

And bizarrely, he knew the feeling was mutual. From the hundreds of times they had had his back, to the quiet nights they spent comforting each other; Tomura knew his party would be there for him when it mattered. Magne, Toga and Twice repeatedly told him so, Compress, Spinner and Dabi showed it with their actions. They all said he had brought them together, that he had saved them in some way or another. That they were a family and they wouldn't let anybody come between them and their happiness.

Thought this journey would put that trust to the test.

"Stop playing with that, Crazy, it's not a toy!" Tomura was distracted from his routing by the disturbance. Toga and Twice were testing out the new dagger, passing it between them and asking questions, to which the dagger would burn if the one holding it lied. Magne was cooking while Compress and Spinner were sleeping, but were distracted by the mess.

Dabi, the one who scolded the two fools playing with the ancient and powerful tool, was up from his own nap and trying to get the dagger from the girl. "No! Wait for your turn! I'm using it now!" Toga threw her tantrum and tried to keep the artefact away from the older man.

"Yeah, don't be a party pooper, Dabi!  You trying to hide something, cursed boy!? " Twice said as he helped Toga.

The three entered a tug war, with Dabi trying to get the dagger and Toga and Twice trying to keep it to continue their game. The rest of the party soon lost interest in the usual shenanigans. It was a daily occurrence that the three would argue like siblings, and they went back to what they were doing previously. That changed when Dabi screamed. The dagger clattered against the floor as the arsonist held his bleeding arm close and cursed out loud in pain. They tried to get close to him and aid him with his injury, but he stepped away and told them he was alright before stomping out of the tent. He was probably going to his horse, Licen.

"Good job, you morons," Spinner tells them once Dabi is not in the tent. "Now he is going to be even more cranky," the lizard-looking man complains.

"Don't worry, once Dabi gets some sleep and food, he'll be as happy as he can be," Magne tells Spinner and stirs the stew she is preparing. "But you two better apologize and stop playing with that thing. Dabi is right, it's not a toy," she turns to the two blondes and scolds them.

"Yes, Big Sis Mag... Why don't you make me, Old Hag!?" Twice says.

Toga, however, doesn't. She is staring at the dagger with rapt attention and holding the blade in her hand. "Hey Tomu, what does Blue blood mean?" the youngest member of their group asks him out of nowhere.

"Usually it means the person is part of a noble family," he answers her. Toga always asked him stuff out of nowhere. She had lived away from cities and society for most of her life, and she didn't understand most of the new world that surrounded her. "Why are you asking?"

"That's the blood that came out of Dabi," she tells him and shows him the blade of the dagger. It wasn't a lot, but the small amount of liquid the blade had was blue-purplish colour. 

"That's impossible," Spinner comments about the implication of the blood. "Dabi hates royals and nobles more than any of us," he argues. And he was right. Even if rich families were the largest source of income for the lawless, there was no Hunter or Thief alive who didn't hate the higher society. Dabi did so with a passion and never stayed quiet about it. He could look past a lord or count that were in the rich inner circle of the kingdomes, but royals were a pest in his eyes. Tomura had noticed the small chain he had with stolen Royal rings the hunter had collected over the years. To think that somebody like that came from a noble family was ridiculous. Unthinkable even. 

"Can't it be that since he is cursed, his blood is blue now?" Compress cuts in.

"No, cursed blood is purple," he tells them. "Maybe he is a bastard from a noble family, or the descendant from a dead royal house. But it is none of our business, now is it?" he asks the rest of the tent, with a clear hint of dropping the matter.

It works though, and they all go back to their tasks. Magne gets help with dinner by Twice, and Toga cleans the dagger and places it in a scabbard that doesn't fit it. When they get to Furesurbs, they can have one made. The tent is plagued with silence until Magne announces it's dinner time. Dabi still hasn't come back by that time. Tomura is not worried. If Dabi wants to be a gloom and be alone, that's his problem. He doesn't need the fire user. Even if he is a great source of heat in cold nights.

When they finish dinner and Dabi still hasn't appeared, Tomura has had enough. While the others build a fire to keep warm, he takes his hooded cape and goes looking for him. Their camp is hidden between the plants of the forest they were in. Licen was still here, but the mare also had the heart of an apple at its feet. Dabi spoiled his horse like no other, always giving her an apple even if it meant hunger for him. Licen in exchange was the most loyal horse there could be, even if she was a stubborn mare that only let a few ride on her. So if she was still here, Dabi couldn't have gone far.

Tomura found him a few feet away from the camp, near a stream. Dabi was a sight to behold. He had patches of healthy skin but most of his body was covered in deep purple scales. His curse was slowly turning him into a monster. When he lost control, the scales would start to take over his body, covering more skin, and he would become more animalistic. It scared the crap out of them the first time it happened.

They had come to a crossroad with another group. The party of teenagers because, yes, they were a bunch of teenagers along with an alchemist knight and they had unfortunately been after the same target. They were both looking for the golden scabbard of All Might's famous sword. They wanted it for the money, but the kids needed it to unlock something, they were in a quest with pointless ideals of heroism. They had ended up clashing, and Dabi lost control, though he wasn't the only one. He was in battle against The half cursed prince, Todoroki Shouto, and as the fight grew heated, both men turned into monsters. Both groups had to separate them by force before they killed one another. Dabi didn't speak for two days after that, and they didn't get the scabbard.

However, curse and all, Tomura couldn't help but find the hunter mesmerizing. It was like he was made to distract him. His strong jaw, his deep hoarse voice, his dry humour and his eyes. Oh Divus, his eyes. Tomura could drown in them. Deep, bright blue orbs that he could stare at and get lost in at any time. Even now, in a dark moonless night, he could still see them. It infuriated him.

"Did you come here to stare, creep?" Dabi asks him, turning to see him.

"You missed dinner," he tells him and sees the other roll his eyes at him. "Let me look at your wound," he orders him.

"It's fine, I cauterized with my magic," he says but still holds his hand to him.

The wound is not deep, but it's large, it starts at the bottom of his finger and ends in the middle of his forearm, cutting through the purple scales. With a simple chant, his hand lights up in a red hue, and he starts healing the hunter. He can feel Dabi's eyes on him. Those blue gems piercing his being and somehow looking into his soul. He didn't know how, but Dabi was one of the people who were able to read him like an open book.

"Stop that," he tells him as he heals him.

"Stop what?"

"You know what..."

His relationship with Dabi was weird. Sometimes he wanted to kill him. The hunter loved to rile him up. He was lazy and disrespectful. He would attract trouble wherever he went. He could count the times they had been persecuted out of an area because of the messes him, Spinner and Twice had gotten in. However, he trusted him with his life.

If something happened, he knew Dabi would be there. He was his right-hand man. He could leave the Vanguard Action with him without worrying things would collapse the moment he left. Dabi and him on some late nights, when neither of them could sleep, would be there for each other. Tomura had told the arsonist secrets he didn't even share with Kurogiri. And Dabi had told him things none of the other league members knew. They had bonded in some sort of way.

And sometimes, even when the raven was just a few centimetres apart from him, he wanted to be closer. Tomura was not afraid to say he finds the hunter attractive, scales and all. He was as hot as a fireplace and as a warlock, whose dark powers sucked all the warmth from inside him, he had many times cosied up to the fire-user to get warmed up. All of the party had. There were times he would see couples on the road and imagine it's him and Dabi. There was also the dream accident.

A few months ago Magne convinced him in trying her new sleeping potion. They had just come from a good-paying job, so using the free time they had, he accepted. The concoction was supposed to trap him in a dream for a few hours and rest his mind and body. Tomura tried it, following Magne's instruction and soon enough fell asleep. When he opened his eyes, he could tell he was not awake. The first indication was the changing background. The second hint was Dabi entering the room and kissing him without a hesitation. In that two hour nap, Tomura was caressed, worshipped and loved by Dabi. But even if it was a dream, it felt so real. When he woke up, he couldn't look at the hunter without remembering his dream. He avoided Dabi for an entire day. He still felt awkward about it.

"There, done," he tells him and quickly takes a step back from the raven. "Now come to the tent, we have a long journey tomorrow, and your food is getting cold," he turns, giving his back to his party-member, but stops when he hears the other speak.

"You're not going to say anything? About the blood?" he sounds... nervous, which is very offputting, since this is Dabi who's talking. He always talks in a monotone, leaving people guessing what he meant by his tone.

"It's none of my business," he responds. "We all have our secrets, Dabi. If you ever want to tell me, I'll listen," he heads back to the tent and hears Dabi silently walking behind him.

The rest of the party is already in their bedrolls when they arrive. They aren't asleep, just laying comfortably around the small fire. Dabi sits in between Toga and Compress and starts eating his bowl of stew. Shigaraki goes back to his maps and tracing a road, idle chatter fill the tent as they all get ready for bed, but Tomura interrupts all of that.

"We have a minor inconvenience," he announces, and they all turn their attention towards him. "If we take the easy road, it might take us a while to get to Furesurbs. But we can cut that time to three days if we don't avoid some of the more dangerous areas,"

"What areas?" Dabi asks.

"For the first day of the journey, we have options. We are surrounded by three of the most magic-hated cities, Servusurbs, Magumless and Torquecastra. If we want to avoid them, we need to go around them, but that is going to add three days to our travels. Though we could go through the Aurum Mountains, using the mines. Although I doubt we'll find a way past it without help, and that is going to cost us a lot of money," he explains.

The rest of the group is pensive for a moment. Torquecastra is a fortress, getting in they might be able to achieve, but getting out is going to be tricky. Servusurbs would be easier to get in and out, thanks to their slave business, but Spinner was not going to set foot in that place again. That left only Magumless, but the place was very strict with their magic laws. All those who possessed magical abilities had to be collared and sorted by colour, and they could only enter if they had an escort.

"I know a way we can get through Magumless," Compress says. "There are underground tunnels we can go through, used for smuggling magic-ingredients in. If Dabi doesn't show off his flames and Magne hides her potions, we would have enough escorts to get to them," he explains and looks at the ones who would have to get chained along with him, Toga and Shigaraki. They all nod, agreeing to the plan.

"What about the second day?" Magne asks.

"We have two options if we don't want to spend another three days travelling, Libidine forest or the Erat fields," Tomura explains and watches everyone groan.

Libidine forest was a death trap. The place was plagued with Succubuses and Incubusses and it was theorized to be sacred ground for them. If they caught you, you were either sacrificed or used as breeding stock. They would have to be on high alert if they went there, but that wouldn't mean they would make it out.

The Erat fields were the same. A spell was cast in the form of a mist on the place that created illusions to confuse travellers. Going alone was a sure death, but since they were a group, they might just make it. They would just have to keep each other grounded.

"What about the Nix mountain range? It would be a day more, but better than any of the other options," Dabi says.

"We are not prepared to spend two days in a frozen hell," he explains. "And it's wyvern season," Dabi grunts at his logic. "Erat is our safest option," they all nod, agreeing with him.

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 The next day of their journey went well, luckily.

They arrived in pairs to the city, and once they were registered and inside, they would meet in an arranged location. Magne and Compress went first, then Toga and Twice and lastly, Tomura with Dabi and Spinner. The city of Magumless had a metal system to identified magic. Steel collars meant useful harmless magic, bronze was useful harmful magic, gold was useless harmless magic, silver was useless harmful magic, and black iron was dangerous magic. Tomura was collared with one of the laters.

They almost arrest him when he entered the city after the collaring. But Dabi, whose clothes covered his scales, stopped them, lying about a life debt he owed him. The guards luckily left them alone after that. Spinner, who was acting as his stead for the day, might have a lot to do with that. Nobody would come in between a man with a warlock and a giant lizard monster at his beck and call. Once they reunited, the trip went on smoothly. They weren't able to take out the chains until they reached the other end of the city, but below the city, they didn't have to be on constant alert.

By nightfall, they were all out of the town and camping by the side of the road. It took them another day to get to the Erat fields. They decided to wait for the next day to cross it and camped a few meters away from it. The next morning, they all woke up already dreading the journey before them.

"So what exactly are the fields going to do?" Spinner asks in his big lizard form asks as he carries Tomura, Twice and Magne. "I know it's supposed to be illusions, but what kind? Monsters? Or something like that?"

"The stories vary," Compress answers by his side, riding a magic-made horse Tomura conjured, Toga behind him. "Some say you see your past, your happiest moments, and you desire to go back keeps you in here. Others say you become delirious. You turn into a future of yourself that may never happen and get trapped inside the fantasy," As theatrical Mister Compress was, he was right. The stories were told by those who were able to survive the fields, and the only consistent theme in their tales was that they would never go back to it.

They soon got their answer, though. Magne suddenly let out a scream, scaring all of them and making some of them unsheath their swords. Luckily it was a false alarm. Magne just panicked because out of nowhere it looked as if she had been burned to death. When Shigaraki had met her, she was in Furesurbs running away from her family of witches. They didn't accept her as herself and gave her an ultimatum, be normal or die. She ran away and joined them.

One by one, they all changed. Twice suddenly looked like a teacher -(he was once offered to teach at the university of Libriratum, but he refused)-, Toga turned more druid-like (she had been raised by druids, but got kicked out when they didn't approve of her magic), chains and whip welts appeared on Spinner (he had been sold and bought as a slave until Tomura saved him), and Compress looked like he had been hanged (he had escaped from prison before they were able to do it). Tomura didn't change much. Instead of looking like a warlock in his black clothing and magical jewellery, he looked like a farmboy. His shirt turned rough and scratchy and his hair, which was a platinum and identified him as a Master of the Dark Arts, changed into its original black colour. Toga also complained about his smell, but she was the only one who noticed. Dabi was the last one to change. And boy, were they not ready...

The first hint they had that he changed was the metallic clangs and Twice's gasp. When they turned to look at Dabi, the person they knew was gone. Their cursed leather-wearing hunter with a hot temper and a cold stare was nowhere in sight. Instead of him, the dead prince of the Flame Kingdom rode beside them in his stead.

Golden armour on his legs, a white silk cape with golden trims flailing on his back, a blue regal vest with King Enji's emblem, his skin clear out of any scale, red hair sweeping with the wind and adorned with a golden crown encrusted with gems. Even his horse had a golden armour and a brand new leather seat. His crossbow was gone, as well as everything else and only his sword remained by his side. The only reason they knew it was Dabi was because of his eyes. The same blue as they ever been.

None of them dares to utter a word. They just stared at their friend as they walked. It was so weird to see the man so adorned and wearing so much expensive stuff. Especially since this was Dabi. The guy who had spent an entire job without a shirt because he wanted to cut expenses to afford some more food for his horse. He didn't cover up until Tomura bought him a new shirt.

"Stop. Staring." said guy says after a while, his eyes never leaving the path ahead. His request fell on deaf ears though. He sighs frustrated at his peers gaze. "You can ask one question each. After that we don't speak of this. Ever. Again." he grunts.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead? A GHOST!?" Twice exclaims with his usual tact.

"I never died, I just faked it and ran away," Dabi tells them.

"Why? You were living in a castle, with servants, freshwater and food and everything you could ask for, why give that up?" Spinner ask.

"I don't need much to be happy," Dabi shrugs. "'Sides, being king wasn't worth the price,"

"Do you have one of those lovely royal rings?" Compress suddenly asks, staring at his new attire with interest.

"I do. You take it, and I will cut off your fingers and feed it to Toga," Dabi warns, and it's enough to ward off the old thief.

"My turn! My turn!" Toga exclaims happily. "Let's see... Oh, were you ever betrothed?" she smiles and Tomura feels his blood heating up.

"Twice," Dabi answer with a grimace. "First to a princess who died before I could ever see her and then to the daughter of my fathers' army general as a prize after their last campaign," Tomura doesn't like this question.

"Don't you miss your family?" Magne asks softly.

"Sometimes, but they seem to be alright without me..." he answers surely remembering the last time he was his brother.

'His brother... the half cursed prince...' Tomura remembers, and his gears start turning in his head. It couldn't be a coincidence that they both were cursed. The two princes of the same kingdom, of the same family, supposed to inherit the same land? It didn't sound natural. Curses were like a string they had a start and an end, but they were also personal. Only a person could be cursed. Objects or other things could be blessed or damned, but curses were the result of a human. But who could have done that?

He had lived in the Flame kingdom for a while, and even if he didn't, it was no secret how much the people loved the heirs of the Royal family. The four siblings were praised for their selflessness, kindness and compassion. Princess Fuyumi taught how to read outside the palace to whoever passed by. Prince Natsuo was a diplomat who had given the people of their kingdom lower taxes. Prince Shouto was a brave warrior and a gentle soul. And Prince Touya, Dabi, he had had the closest relationship with the people. He was known as the Free Prince before his death. Always running from his duties and spending time with the peasants outside the castle. The kingdom had mourned his death for months. They had expected a great ruler from him, even greater than... the current... king...

"Was the king the one who cursed you?" Tomura asks, hoping to be wrong.

"Yes, he did,"

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 They all turned back to normal once they were out of the field. They took a moment to rest after it, the experience draining them all. None of them had a past worth going back to, so being reminded of everything they had run away from or escaped had hit them quite strongly.

They didn't stay there for long though, and soon enough they were at Furesurbs. Toga, Twice and Magne decided to go to Kurogiri's bar to unwind when they arrived while the rest of them went to their quarters. Being Sensei's apprentice, Tomura had been able to afford a big enough place for all of his party. They were near the bar where they got their jobs, and they were able to guard each other's back while in there. Their line of work gave them more enemies than friends, and they were stronger united than separated. Not to mention it was cheaper than any other inn or place they could rent.

Dabi was laying in his bed, unable to fall asleep when he heard a small knocking in his door. Believing it was one of his drunk partners, he ignored it. They would get tired soon enough and leave. He wasn't feeling up to being with anybody at the moment. But when the knocking came again, he figured whoever was doing it wouldn't stop until he opened the door. He gets up with a groan and opens the door, ready to send whoever it was away, but his words die in his mouth when he sees who it is. On his door is his leader, Shigaraki Tomura, with a crazed look in his eyes and a scratched up neck.

The guy doesn't even wait for him to let him in he just pushes him to the side and gets in. He is only wearing a loose pair of black pants and a black shirt with a simple pair of boots. His silver hair is messed up, and he is mumbling in a low voice.

"Tell me more about your curse," he demands once Dabi closes the door.

"...What?"

"Your curse, how does it work!?" he asks again.

"Why the sudden curiosity?" Tomura had never inquired about his curse. Ever. So what could have changed?

"How does it work, Dabi? Don't make this more difficult!" he goes off again, the scratching getting worse.

"No," Dabi crosses his arms. "Why do you want to know? Do you think once I'm cured you can use me to take over the kingdom? You want to use me for your world domination!?"

"JUST TELL ME, DAMNIT!" the warlock screams.

"TELL ME WHY!?"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!" Tomura finally snaps at him, leaving Dabi speechless. "Curses usually end in death! You can't avoid it! You either finish it, or  it  finishes you! Now tell me everything you know about it so I can try to stop it!"

Dabi is quiet for a few minutes as Tomura hyperventilates after his rant. "... you can't," Dabi breathes. He had given up a long time ago. "The curse is the missing half of my brothers. One day we will turn into monsters and kill each other for the throne. Once my brother is crowned king, the curse should be broken-"

"It won't work," Tomura interrupts him. "Curses are conditional, if your brother wants to be king, he needs to fight you," the warlock tells him. Dabi feels as if he was shot through the heart when he says it. He falls to his bed defeated and stares at nothing.

"It won't happen," he hears Tomura mumble under his breath as he walks to the door. "You might have given up on it, but I won't. I will find you a cure, and I'm going to remove that curse from you," he tells him and flees the room, leaving an ex-prince behind with a heart that won't stop beating, as if trying to jump out of his chest.

[queenfredegund]

Female households and political agency

Reginae’s households

As royal members, reginae possessed households fulfilled with various members, either male or female, servile or noble, who served them in their life, but also supported them all along.

Puellae and ancillae

Obviously, reginae were surrounded by an important number of female servants, such as puellae and ancillae, both probably servile ones, though not so sure for the sole case of the puellae: indeed, as the term “puella” is often used to speak about slave girls, the exact nature of the puellae is questioned as some of them seem to have been from wealthy families, such as Nantechildis Regina, consort of Dagobert, a puella, but whose brother, Landegiselus, was a rich landowner. Their tasks are not fully known, but can consist on the same as usual, such as cleaning the rooms, preparing their mistresses, keeping them company, and perhaps also weaving clothes. Several ancillae and puellae are known, such as:

Marcovefa Regina, consort of Charibert I Rex (DLH, IV, 26).

Merofledis Regina, consort of Charibert I Rex (DLH, IV, 26).

Nantechildis Regina, consort of Dagobert I Rex (Chron, IV, 58).

The unnamed puellae trying to cheer up Radegund Regina (Vita Radeg, I, 9).

The unnamed ancilla of Fredegund Regina (DLH, V, 39).

The unnamed slave-girl favoured by Chlodovech Rex, son of Chilperich I Rex (DLH, V, 39).

Several male officials were also known, even it is sometimes difficult to fully understand in what their roles consisted, due to a lack of sources, and even the names of all of them:

The referendarius 

High-ranking officer, he was apparently the superior of the chancellor. Depositary of the royal seal, he directed the chancellery where the royal acts were written (diplomas, precepts, etc.), kept the royal archives, and sealed official acts with wax. We know two referendarii, such as:

Ursicinus, to Ultrogotho Regina, consort of Childebert I Rex (DLH, V, 42).

Bobolenus, to Fredegund Regina, consort of Chilperich I Rex (DLH, VIII, 32).

The maior domus 

A high-ranking officer who managed the household for the regina, such as commanding the whole pool of servants and high-ranking officers, managing the wealth and probably acting as a private councelor for the regina. Their influence will later grow in importance, but for the majority of the period, they were only palatine officers and were probably one per important household. We know at least two maior domus specically attache to a regina:

Florentianus, to Brunehilde Regina, consort of Sigebert I Rex (DLH, IX, 30).

Waddo, to Rigund Regina, daughter of Chilperich I Rex (DLH, VI, 45).

The camerarius

An officer close to a chamberlain, i. e. a high-ranking officer who received tributes and welcomed embassies. On an other hand, based on the papal administration, he could also have had financial duties, mostly managing the regina’s charity. We do not have a specific name in the sources.

The comes stabuli

An officer in charge of the royal stables and horses, and whose role originally derived from the late-roman office in charge of the pack animals in use for the army and the imperial court. He had under his lead the marescalci and during military campains, he was responsible of the whole logistic. As a member of the regina’s household, they were probably responsible of her horses and the security of her travels. We know at least one:

Leudastes, to Marcovefa Regina, consort of Charibert I Rex (DLH, V, 48).

Cuppa, to Fredegund Regina after the death of Chilperich I Rex (DLH, VII, 39.)

The cubicularii

A palatial officer, he was in the strict intimacy of the rex and his family. While in the late antiquity, they were emancipated slaves, it is possible that they were noble personages during the Merovingian period. They fulfilled specific duties at court, like palatial ones (i.e ostiarios), or administrative ones (i.e saccellarius).

Contrary to the Byzantine Empire, it is unknown if the Frankish cubicularii were actual eunuchs, as the Frankish records never speak clearly of an usage of eunuchs in palatial administration. Yet as the Byzantines had also forbidden the castration and still made use of eunuchs, the question pursues for the Merovingian dynasty. A cubicularius is known around a regina:

Eberulf, to Fredegund Regina, consort of Chilperich I Rex (DLH, VII, 21).

The cancellarii

A royal officer, the cancellarius was basically the chief of the chancellery, where he led the whole of the scribes, the notarii, in charge of redacting and preserving officials acts (diploma or decretio), under the lead of the referendarius, the only one to dispose of the regal seal. Their numbers, as well as the name of at least one of them is unknown, but as reginae had refendarii like reges, they could be present in their households.

Some high-ranking members were also known around reginae, like bishops, but also men in charge of military or diplomatic matters, such as Claudius and Protadius for Brunehilde Regina, or Ansoaldus for Fredegund Regina.

A “gynecocracy”?: women’s influence in the Merovingian court

Back on Fredegar’s mention about the royal women around Chlothacar II Rex, the chronicler had made it obvious that the rex was more than prone to take councels from his female relatives. As I have shown it before, royal women were a fully distinct social group inside the Merovingian court, so it would a mistake to think that they just can not enhance political influence over a reign, or take part in some political factions, especially for women from the elite, as they can count on their relatives to support them and their sons.

Acoustic dimension of the reginae

An interesting thing to work on with royal palaces, and especially with royal women, is the potential of acoustic dimension they have on their own, i.e. the way they can hear of events or be heard by people, as we then will be able to determine how they can influence things or act for themselves. For example:

Beretrudis Regina, consort of Chlothacar II Rex, receives in audience Bishop Leudemund, come to ask her to take part in a future conspiration led by the patricius Alethius against her husband, a thing she promptly refused, and after his leaving, she locks up in her appartments while crying (Chron, IV, 44). This means that Beretrudis is not only fully aware about the situation as she can receive audience in her own appartments, but that she is also considered as a respectable speaker by a bishop, and most of all, that she can express herself and be heard of, as it is because she was crying in her room that the rex finally learns about the matter.

Bilichildis I Regina, consort of Theodebert II Rex, c. 609, maintains a regular correspondence with Brunehilde Regina, living at that moment at the court of Theodorich II Rex, and the two of them discuss about diplomatic matters and even the holding of a plaid in order to maintain peace between the two regna; however, as the austrasians nobiles are afraid that Brunehilde could eventually lash out against their popular young regina, they dissuade her to take part on that project (Chron, IV, 35). Which means that Bilichildis was fully known as the corresponding partner of Brunehilde, that she was supported in her business by the nobiles and that they were aware of the progression of the situation, probably because she had made statments about it to have their opinions.

Rigund Regina, daughter of Chilperich I Rex, who in 580, in the last part of the council of Brennacum, announces that she is practicing a fasting with her household in support of Bishop Gregorius, who is waiting for his sentence (DLH, V, 49). Which means that a young girl between 11 and 14 years old was absolutely not segregated, and that she can hear of events outside her own appartment, and even she can hold a specific position at the court.

Women were therefore pivotal figures of the royal court and can interact fully with other members of the entourage of the rex, as well as holding audiences or writing correspondences for their own goods, and their own ambitions. Brunehilde Regina for example, maintained correspondences with Pope Gregorius and Byzantine emperors and empresses, letters we have kept through ages, in which she defended her politics and manages diplomatic matters.

Women and factions

As members of the inner-court and principal entourage of the rex, royal women were also researched in order to take sides in political factions, such in the previous example of Beretrudis Regina and Bishop Leudemund, but we can also speak of:

Radegund Regina, consort of Chlothacar I Rex and above all, Thuringian royal daughter, lived at court with some of her fellows, including one of her brother, unnamed in our sources, and probably acted in order to protect them. When her brother was finally killed on Chlothacar’s orders, she decided to end their marital life and quitted the royal court for the monastery (DLH, III, 7).

Audovera Regina, consort of Chilperich I Rex, supported her sons even after she was dismissed from the royal court and far from them, and perhaps supported Merovech (I) Rex when he married Brunehilde Regina against his father’s will (DLH, V, 2).

Brunehilde Regina, as grandmother of Theodorich II Rex, sided with high-ranking officials in order to control political affairs, took revenge in their name when they were wronged, and also took an important part in inner-court by establishing herself at the head of the feminine hierarchy.

Sichildis Regina, consort of Chlothacar II Rex, grew in importance after the death of Beretrudis Regina and sided with both her brother Brodulf, a military leader and her sister Gomatrudis, a fellow regina, probably in order to secure the position of her son, the young Charibert II Rex. Together they managed to establish him as a rex after the death of Chlothacar II, alongside his stepbrother Dagobert I Rex (Chron, IV, 53-55).

However, if they can take part in political factions, they can also be controlled. Indeed, if Sichildis managed to create around her an efficient faction, her circle was quickly dismantled after the murder of her brother and the repudiation of her sister, leaving her alone and probably in retirement.

Royal women and queenship

In lack of more sources on the exact running of the inner-court, it is difficult to say how powerful consorts and royal daughters could have been and how exactly they used their queenship, however some extracts tend to show they were ruling their households and managed their estates on their own, even for the unmarried royal daughters.

Some examples:

Fredegund Regina, consort of Chilperich I Rex, was let alone by him for deciding about the forgiveness of Leudastes (DLH, VI, 32).

Wisigardis Regina, consort of Theodebert I Rex, had intervened for the protection of Asteriolus against Secundinus (DLH, III, 33).

Theodechildis I Regina, daughter of Theodorich I Rex, was still receiving tributes from her civitates despite being a probably childless and repudiated woman (Lib. Confe., 40).

Chlodechildis IV Regina, daughter of Guntchramn Rex, and Chlodosuinda III Regina, daughter of Sigebert I Rex, were both assured to keep their whole estates even after the death of their father and brother by the Treaty of Andelao (DLH, IX, 20).

Chlodechildis III Regina, daughter of Charibert I Rex, and Basina II Regina, daughter of Chilperich I Rex, started the revolt of the nuns for they were of royal birth and did no want to be led by a person from a lower rank than themselves (DLH, IX, 39 and X, 15).

[Intro] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

[lewdcrossroads]

Hyperslut Runeterra AU

There is extreme content below. You have been warned.

Demacia: Level of perversion plays into caste system where the more perverted you are, the more common your nobility. Of course, that doesn't mean that the female nobles are above perversion; they are simply more discreet about it. Definitely not at the level Ionia is in general however. It's more of an open secret however, so while there is some public outrage, it's mostly just for show and to appease the higher ups in society despite the fact that they are right amongst the "commoners" doing it.

Sona: Willing slave. Give her somebody strong who looks they can be dominant with her, and she will walk right up to them, put their hands on her body for them, and mouth the words "own me". Often forms a telepathic link with them using magic and a self-tattooed slave mark with their symbol in the middle. Willing to try most every fetish under the sun and loves being humiliated without end, especially sexually. As a result, in the lowest possible class, but tolerated in high society because of her musical skill (and her willingness to fuck partygoers like a common busty whore).

"Only you can hear me, Master. What debauchery shall we experience today~?"

Lux: Uses light magic to hide the fact that she's nude and doing lewd shit almost constantly. Massive exhibitionist despite (or is it "because"?) the shame she knows it would bring to her family were she would ever be to discovered. Her brother would be discharged from the army and her family would be cast into the lowest of society in Demacia. That thought gets her off harder than anything else.

Vayne: Hardcore night hunter that still wants to avenge her parents, but she has an extreme monster and peril fetish. If she doesn't succeed in killing the monster, she almost always ends up getting raped. Often has to rely on somebody from Demacia noticing her absence and coming to rescue her which can take a lot of time, especially if she's dragged out to a monster's rape cave or a bandit camp. Generally discrete, but doesn't really give a fuck about her perversions being known.

Quinn:

Shyvana: Result of her mother playing whore to a dragon. Her dragon instincts constantly war with her human urges, bringing her no end of frustration as her two natures fight, even as human lust mixes with dragon lust and sends her into "heat" often. A size queen due to her body's needs, she goes after big dicked humans when human (such as J4 and Garen) and occasionally heading down to the royal stables to "tend" to both her lusts and the horses alongside the royal stable maides, and bending over for dragons to play as a distraction (sometimes as a human, sometimes as a dragon) during a hunt, the kill of which leaves her immensely satisfied for a good while (aka a week in this au). Her dragon pride makes it so that when she's descended as a dragon, she can only be sexually satisfied by dragons.

Morgana: A magic wielding warrior from another world. Like her sister, Kayle, she was summoned to Runeterra, but was summoned in Noxus, to fight against their main enemy, Demacia. She fell in love with the wild and debauched lifestyle that she had dedicated herself to fighting for back in her homeworld. Wildly indulging in sex and perversion with abandon, she is trying to return back to her homeworld to bring it the lifestyle that she feels has vindicated her entire struggle. Indulging in every fetish at least once from both sides of the equation, Morgana is loving being a hyperslut and the men and women of Runeterra love her. The only fetish she has yet to indulge in, and is interested in, however remains locked to her: incest.

"Ever raw an angel before~? No? Would you like to~?"

Kayle: A sword and magic wielding warrior from another world. Like her sister, Morgana, she was summoned to Runeterra, but was summoned in Demacia, to fight against their rival city, Noxus. A defender of the world she lived in prior, she was extremely unprepared for the culture she arrived in the comparatively perverted Demacia. However, that does not prevent her from indulging in her curiosity, if hesitantly, experimenting and exposing herself to the various methods of mating the people of Runeterra have discovered. Normally reserved, once she cums, she embraces her true inner slut and will not settle down until she has sated herself completely, rivaling even some of the more legendary sluts across the land. However, none of this prevents her from trying to return home, feeling vindicated at the similar level of debauchery her sister would inflict upon her people, all while occasionally rebuffing her lecherous sister's extremely inappropriate advances.

Fiora: A duelist in bed and on the field. Doesn't sleep with just anybody. Has some exceptional standards. Prides herself on being the best (has pitted her against some serious foes as a result much to her enjoyment). Generally only sleeps with one person at a time and duels usually involve her fucking the other person until they pass out or are completely unable to stay erect anymore. Does so to redeem the shame that her father brought upon the family due to using performance drugs in the dueling circuit. Seeks to "restore" the honor of her family by proving her superiority. Social air in Demacia means that her sexual duels are instead referred to with many double entendres and innuendos when in the presence of somebody she's not familiar with or more than one person. As a result, loves sex jokes and getting raunchy. Finds friendship in Kayle and a good training dummy for her dominant roles in Sona.

Noxus: Debauchery is celebrated openly. Instead of a gladiator pit, it's an orgy pit with the occasional fight. Whoever does the best often gets sold to the highest bidder from the crowd. A few cults, like Leblanc's Cult of the Black Rose, all vie for power behind the scenes, many using tantric rituals. Sex slaves and hired workers are just as great gifts to politicians as gold, jewelry, and fine goods/services. Occasionally raids Ionian lands for slaves (human and Vastayan alike (bull/cow vastayans go for a lot) and sometimes wars with Demacia because of how they are pretty much the opposite of their philosophy and can't let it stand.

Katarina: Well-known assassin from Noxus. Occasionally kills, but also very famous for bringing back filled condoms as trophies. Deals very heavily in social assassination. Makes runs through the streets to test her stealth skills, and if anybody catches sight of her and calls out to her while she's in earshot and able to hear them, she fucks them then and there as a self-inflicted punishment. Regular outfit often has filled condoms filled and tied off and hanging from her. Failing a mission or disobeying a superior commander's order results in her being bound, humiliated, and offered up as a free use cumdump in the main street of Noxus. She fails a lot of main mission objectives and is a generally pretty rude and disobedient towards superiors.

Riven: Wanders in search of "strength", an exile from Noxus. When meets somebody strong, either combats them with her sword or with her pussy in a competition of some sort. Will shamelessly and enthusiastically fuck anybody that offers her food or shelter, though she's above begging. Very much not above whoring herself out though. After all, when in the war, served as her squad's cum slut with enthusiasm. Was a slave in the pits of Noxus before freed by Draven when he recognized her strength both as a slut and a warrior while fuck-fighting her. During her time in the army, often wandered around Noxus to enjoy the various food delicacies and offered herself as a free use slut for restaurants to pay off her tabs. Loves fine/good-tasting food and continues this practice all throughout her travels around Runeterra, especially since starves a lot. As a result, whores herself out at camp sites a lot (though she enjoys the act a great deal herself).

Leblanc: Clone is very submissive and just as durable as she is due to her repressed tendencies as a result of both living in Noxus high society and being leader of a cult. Deals in a ton of freaky shit due to latter. If in healthy environment, a switch between top and bottom. Has slaves of all races in basement and in base of cult to use as in her pleasure. Loves using them as live dildos; when feels like being sub, creates clone and uses ritual to share clone's senses in safety of her quarters while it gets ravaged senseless out of revenge.

Cassiopeia: Woman with snaky attributes (cursed with Shurima curse) and sciency type who studied in Piltover/Zaun thanks to father's influence before he vanished who deals with all sorts of poisons. Can synthesize poisons into her body to do all sorts of stuff (and their antitoxins). Likes to occasionally roam around on the streets and abduct both cute girls, strapping lads, and handsome men with venomous/narcotic bites. Major domme who uses them for both experiments with concoctions and for pleasure. Poisons do various effects that do great things for sex and sell for a lot on the Noxus streets, legal and not. Keeps the Du Couteau house financial secure alongside Katarina's "wetwork".

Piltover: The city of progress. Most of all the cutting edge technology goes into producing elegant and interesting sex toys of some kind (and the occasional boost to normal daily life.) The academy that makes the city particularly famous is a den of debauchery behind closed doors despite the relatively posh and proper lifestyle the city presents, all while they look down on the people of Zaun for their destructive debauchery and interesting experiments. Experimentation of different kinds happens there. Entrance to the academy is granted by presenting something new that could have an impact on "gratification" or by convincing the council that determines who enters or not that they deserve to enter (a lot of rich families get in that way).

Caitlyn: In a relationship with Vi as the dominant. Grew up in Piltover as part of nice family. Quickly established herself as an amazing police officer and sniper with her custom made rifle. Went through several male and female partners because of her being super kinky and dominant until she met Vi in the PD and was assigned as her partner. One mission went awry trying to catch Jinx ended up with them trapped underground until rescued. Both found naked and fucking like crazy with Cait on top. Loves putting Vi through all sorts of plays to test both their limits, but often indulges in her partner's exhib fetish using the scope of her rifle and special sleep darts to keep her safe from unsavory predators. Sometimes lets Vi get the better of her and flip roles, discovering that she sometimes likes being shown off and even used by strangers herself. Not nearly as often as Vi or certain other champions, but sometimes. Has a history with N who she sexually battles on occasion with her loss every time, her bound up and dripping cum from all her holes and still no clue to his identity.

Vi: In a relationship with Caitlyn as the submissive. Grew up in Zaun a slum kid. Ends up handcuffed and wandering around Piltover and Zaun while stuffed with sex toys as a lot. Massive exhibitionist (as is Cait to a lesser extent), and often ends up getting fucked silly by a random stranger in either city in some dirty back alley. Was originally part of a gang as both their cum dump and their moral compass, but left when they crossed the line and almost got people killed, backstory canon with main AU. Loves getting shoved into the elevator between cities naked, handcuffed, and blindfolded by Caitlyn with the expectation of her getting fucked the entire way. Has a great time sometimes flipping roles, the best being when she shoved Caitlyn in the elevator for time duration of lunch rush to evening rush hour.

Orianna:

Camille:

Zaun:

Jinx: Archenemy of Vi and Caitlyn. If she wins, she uses them as sexual playthings to satisfy her lust. Usually pretty rough to Vi's secret pleasure. If she loses, she gets the favor returned before being hauled back to the Piltover precinct to be the PD's cumdump (though she somehow always manages to escape).

Janna: Goddess who gets caught up in Zaunite fashion. Is happily a lingerie model (loves flaunting and wearing wares out around city because they look so nice) when asked to be and always loves attending the after parties where she shares her love. Very loving wind goddess who helps those who need comfort. Immensely popular among the homeless, down trodden, and abused. Always willing to lend an ear. Due to secrets being carried on the wind, very knowledgeable about everything that happens in the city. However, goddess morality makes it hard for her to see who's evil like Warwick (a very confused and damaged soul) and Singed who amuses her with jokes. Carries a tiny bit of a grudge for being left to wane in power so much when all she wanted to do was help.

Ionia: repressed culture where people try to limit their hypersexuality with those that fail to do so being ostracized or shamed. Something about how there needs to be balance between urges and discipline. Plenty of plants and animals that help encourage lust. Vastayan hate humans for trying to limit themselves and the nature around them, damaging the environment and magic. Vastayans are very much in touch with their primal nature and urges to the point where it's considered somewhat rude to turn down sexual advances if it's from somebody of a gender that you're attracted to. Some Vastayans work to both undo the devastation on the land's magic that humans have done and prevent any further.

Syndra:

Karma:

Irelia: One of the most sexual characters, but tries to put up a hard front to hide it. Shamelessly self-indulges behind closed doors to the point where she realizes she's late for something and hurries, often finding that she failed to remove the vibrator (enchanted to be silent but powerful of course for secrecy) and cumming often during meetings. Occasionally meets up with soldiers of renown or who have performed great service and plays submissive to reward them for their bravery under the condition that they say nothing about how they fucked her silly, sometimes in groups to really satisfy her lust. Sometimes intentionally leaves her toys inside her to keep her on a buzz throughout the day for a fun night, even if it makes for some interesting meetings and interactions with others throughout the day.

Ahri: Hyper-competitive slut. Travels throughout the world on a whim, relying on kindness of strangers. Absolutely hates the idea of "silver-medal". Once traveled to Bilgewater to act as roughest bar's copper coin whore for a night and serving as the rowdiest ship's cumdump for a voyage because MF did something just somewhat short of that. Occasionally gets in over her head because of her distaste for being second best, but usually has the skills to back up her claims/boasts. Anything she has trouble with, she relentlessly tries until either she succeeds in outdoing or determines that it's physically impossible. Initial reaction at the idea of being second is almost always shock/horror at first, and then either cruel smirk or ears going flat with hissing. Take canonic sluttiness and turn it up to 12.

Akali: Sneaky ninja slut who trains her stealth by making nude runs through populated towns/villages/cities, her endurance/stamina with marathon masturbation sessions, and her body with hard physical training. Tries to find the perfect master to call her own and fight for, not agreeing with Order's ideology around the suppression of libido. Lots of sex based techniques. Loves to submit to her potential master and warm his/her bed and be the perfect sex doll, but when he/she starts showing tendencies that Akali doesn't agree with, leaves and searches for a new master. Loves shibari and other forms of bondage. Really gets off on the idea of being servile and at her master's whim when it comes to pleasure (particularly ordered to stand perfectly still while she gets fingered). Will do whatever her master tells her to out of her own free will, including seduction or assassination missions, unless it causes her serious harm for no real reason or forbids her from indulging in her massive libido as much as she wants (unless it's punishment for a serious transgression or chastity play).

Xayah: Dominant to an extreme with other Vastayan, can't help but be utterly submissive to humans and other creatures. Often gets separated from Rakan for a while by slavers and trade caravans that she pretends to fight off and struggle against but is ultimately all too willingly to play "birdy" for. Because of how aggressive and loud she is, easily annoys humans she's with about superiority of the Vastaya and how humans ruin everything to get them to put her mouth to "better use", oft fingering herself during so. However, always returns to Rakan who gets the chance to sample some sluts himself, sometimes even bringing new partners into their bed to please him. True genuine love between them to the point where they embody the expression "If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it's truly yours". Often butts heads with Ahri over who's better in bed. Uses techniques that she learns from the humans to dominate Vastayans even better which lets her stand on even footing with Ahri.

Neeko: Curious, excitable, cute Vastayan known as an Oovi-Kat who can take form of others and possesses strong magic. Thinks she has direct ancestry with ancient progenitors of her race (may be right). Novice when it comes to sex, but very eager slut who wants to learn everything, especially lesbian sex. Most of her encounters are with females (some like making use of her ability to transform). Trying to restore Oovi-Kat tribe, even if no men like her. Vastly prefers women anyway (especially female cougars), but curious enough to play "games" with big horny animals when she takes female form of their species. However, still learning to control her powers, so always ends up losing control the moment they put their dick in her, and they go crazy over tiny, hot, wet Vastayan pussy wrapped around them. Very very into strong and powerful female champs like Illaoi, Shyvana, and Evelynn and flirts with them. Anybody she fucks, asks if they would be part of her tribe in attempt to restore. When getting fucked hard or finally orgasms, is big cuddler and wraps tail around partner or nearest thing she can wrap tail around. Very clingy and affectionate.

"To know Neeko is to love Neeko, and to love Neeko is to be one with Neeko."

Void:

Kai'Sa: Wears a living and weaponized body suit that's super perverted. Loves intimacy but the pervertedness of her suit can make that difficult sometimes. Now that she's escaped from the void, she doesn't need the suit anymore and can just rid herself of it. However, turboslut that she is, she's not getting rid of it anytime soon, even if it picks the most inconvenient times to fuck her/make her squirt. It seems to really enjoy embarrassing her, especially when she's trying to really get intimate with some guy that she just ran into. Besides find somebody she can really let herself be comfortable with, she'd like to hunt down her father and reconnect with him. However, because of the lust her suit gives her and the show she inadvertently gives, she often gets fucked frantically into the nearest available surface instead.

Bilgewater: Super open about its sexuality. Used to be a slavers' haven until Miss Fortune took control and turned it into her town. Now it's a very underground black market. Very popular vacation spot due to temperature and climate. Wet t-shirt contests are very popular and encouraged here, even a tax deduction. One week of the year, has a massive festival where people all over Runeterra come to celebrate debauchery (many people wear disguises if from more uptight cities) called the Sluttening.

Miss Fortune: A very respected captain and dangerous markswoman, but also a whore who wanders around the docks and whorehouses looking for work (she loves working for cheap). Wears a blouse that is sheer and almost completely see-through when wet which is 98% of the time considering how often she's out on a ship or near sea spray. Greatest enemy is Gangplank and Illaoi considering how often she either gets shafted by him or his men or by her god's tentacles. Also her mother was slaved by his men, leaving her an orphan and not tolerant of slavers. Does not stop her from having wet dreams of GP taking her as his personal cabin slut. Often plays up the dumb busty bimbo persona to both get more work and to have people underestimated.

Illaoi: Tentacle fetishist and leader of her god's cult. Has zero qualms about inflicting her perverted god's tentacles on both herself and the various females of Bilgewater (and Runeterra in general if she happens to run into them) as a method of testing them. Very astute test of character and is very willing to sleep with the people she deems strong, though she takes charge almost all of the time. Only woman to dom GP.

Mount Targon:

Leona:

Diana:

Soraka: Complete and total healslut. Will spend hours examining patients and then pull a double shift to tend to injured warriors in the night by spending crawling into their bed to give them "advanced care". Very very bulliable and loves every moment of it.

Shadow Isles:  

Evelynn: no change lol

Kalista:

Elise:

Kumungu Jungle: jungle filled with shit ton of horny beasts and lewd plants. Some sentience. Some rich or adventurous people consider it a hunting ground for more exotic trophies. Mostly uninhabited but can find a few tribes of people who live off the land and experiment with the land and positions (basically the creators of Runeterra's Kama Sutra, adapted for the various humans, Vastayans, and other races who inhabit the land).

Nidalee: more emphasis on mating season. Practices Runeterra Sutra and knows, practices, and helps develop new techniques to practice constantly. Was abandoned as a child but has grown up to be a spectacular slut despite growing up among cougars. Constantly courted and mounted by members of her feline tribe but none can keep up with her. Rival is Rengar who she practices her techniques on the most as a method of subduing him and proving she's far more dominant.

Zyra:

Shurima:

Sivir: Main method of earning cash besides mercenary work and black market deals is prostituting herself and her company of amazonesque mercenary whores who follow her commands, especially since she recently discovered is daughter of an emperor of Shurima. Her current goal is to help Azir rebuild his empire so that can rule and never have to worry about money again. However, rebuilding empire is expensive and getting followers is hard, so hands cash part by trying to charge high prices and followers part by seducing highly influential people to her cause to use their power.

Taliyah:

Freljord:

Ashe: leader of the Avarosan tribe in Freljord and firm believer of equality, peace, and intimacy. Takes ideas from Ionia and Demacia regarding discipline and reverence towards sex, but doesn't agree with the idea of shaming sex or seeing it as a weakness. Incredibly regal, but no less debauched even if she pretends otherwise, often going into town to join the common folk in disguise, attending orgies and tending to glory holes in her free time. Not entirely happy with the war but will fight for what she believes is right. Marriage with Trynd rocky right now, and while she occasionally gives him a handy, he is in the dog house with her right now. Things may improve on that front.

Lissandra:

Sejuani: leader of the Winter's Claw and a firm believer of the idea that the strong take what they want. Sej wants a lot and is the strongest of her tribe which makes her the leader. Enjoy everything while you can and don't be afraid to indulge in every whim, whether that's being the focus of a 20 man train or letting Bristle raw her for hours as a treat. Sej loves it rough and believes that the rest of the Freljord should follow her, her tribe whole heartedly agreeing with her, their numbers including Volibear and the Ursine and Olaf the berserker since there seems to be a bevy of people who enjoy getting pillaged by both factions. Sej is certainly in that camp. Started war as a personal slight against Ashe's philosophy regarding sex, and does not form emotional attachments through sex ever.

places where whorehouses are public: - Noxus - Zaun - Bilgewater  (Incredibly open and public/blunt about it) - Mount Targon - Shurima - Freljord

places where whorehouses are discreet: - Demacia - Piltover - Ionia

places where whorehouses are just non-existent: - Shadow Isles - Kumungu Jungle - Void

War of the Freljord - War between the three sisters started between what kind of sexual environment the Freljord. Sej wants more brutal and open sex to be commonplace based on what she's seen from Noxus and Zaun while Ashe wants the atmosphere to be more disciplined and reserved like what she's seen from Piltover and Demacia (even if she doesn't at all agree with their philosophies about sex being shameful). The whole catalyst for their war was when Sej seduced Trynd and convinced him to brutally fuck her silly in his marriage bed with taunts of how Ashe would never let him do the things she's willing to do, all while Ashe was tending to a local glory hole in a disguise. Meanwhile, Lissandra just wants the world to enjoy the wonders of tentacle sex.

Piltover Elevator - The main expressway between low city of Zaun and elevated city of Piltover. People flock to this massive construction both to travel to the cities and, if you're a lady in strut, to hop towards the back in order to get molested. Particularly brave women walk on naked and stay in the front. More prominent members of that group include Vi and, sometimes if you're incredibly lucky and Vi's very assertive that morning, Caitlyn who walk on bound and blindfolded.

Gragas' Mead Hall - The site of many drunken orgies and where Gragas shares his famous brews, most popular among them being his Aphrodisiac Wine. Being Avarosan herself, Ashe often comes and joins in the celebration, though she ends up losing her disguise halfway through on account of her being fucked out of it. Her loving subjects don't remember plowing their queen, it all being a drunken blur of pleasure, but they certainly have vivid dreams about fucking her senseless with her as the center of a rowdy foursome. They certainly adore how their queen always turns into a thirsty little cumslut right from the get go in those fantasies.

The Sluttening - Festival in Bilgewater that lasts for a week. People from all over Runeterra come over to the amazing climate vacation spot. It's less rough and tumble because of all the constant sex meaning there are less fights. Booze and sex are near constants on every street you walk down. Wet t-shirt contests are incredibly common due to all the sluts wanting to prove they're the best and hottest thot to walk around Runeterra. During this time, the spirits of the Shadow Isles also wander in, bringing with them ancient sex techniques, emphatic connection due to spiritual nature, and all sorts of general kinkiness that you'd be hard pressed to find otherwise.

[amostimprobabledream]

My thoughts on Peaky Blinders...

Now I’ve finished Season Five, I wanted to get out my thoughts/ideas/opinions regarding the show. So strap in! - So first of all, the fucking cinematopgraphy in this series is gorgeous. You could take almost any scene and it looks like a painting. The lighting, the way it’s staged, it’s all just so visually pleasing to look at. My inner film student was just sighing dreamily at the shot composition. There’s a shot of John, Arthur and Tommy walking somewhere and you could fucking frame it and put it in your wall. - CILLIAN MURPHY, CILLIAN MURPHY, CILLIAN MURPHY. I mean, I always knew he was a good actor and also a pretty one, I think the role I remember him best in is Batman Begins, but holy shit, I never realised how hot he is until like two months ago. I know he apparently hates his Tommy haircut, but good lord, he can pull it off. The cheekbones! The eyes! The eyelashes! The sexy voice! Needless to say I saw him and immediately developed the biggest fucking crush. Apparently when I talk about Tommy to people my face goes pink. Thank you so much, show, for enlightening me to this human. Tommy is such a fantastic character, and I do wonder if another actor could pull him off quite as well. So much debate over his actions, motives, mindset, etc. I could probably write essays about the complexities of Tommy, but I won’t because this is a long-ass post anyway. He’s such a boss and I would die for him. - I actually really like Arthur??? So the very first clip of PB I ever saw was accidental, when I happened to turn the TV on and the Blinders were taking over the Eden Club and Arthur was glassing a guy in the face. I thought, “Oh, he’s probably like the dangerous thug character everyone is scared of.” (I didn’t know he’s Tommy’s brother at the time.) But actually he’s kind of endearing despite being the Shelby’s pitbull? Idk, the concept of the “failure” elder brother, how Arthur is the character the verbalises PTSD the most out of everyone, how one minute he can be lashing out like a rabid bear and then sobbing like a kid the next... I’m always like, “Oh, Arthur,” because you can see he wants to be a better person, but he just...doesn’t know how. - JOOOHN. I miss him! And it’s weird because in the early parts of the Season John doesn’t DO much but tag around after Tommy and Arthur, but his marriage to Esme is actually So Good and again, he’s actually kind of a softboi under the hard gangster act. (Also his “Do THIS, John, Do THAT, John, KILL YOUR FOOKIN’ TEACHER, JOHN!” is so fucking good.) He kind of provides a lightness when contrasted to Tommy and Arthur that I really do miss, because the last two Seasons have been very grim and I think John’s absence has something to do with it. I liked Esme too, even if she’s a stroppy bitch, her love for John but resentment of her role in the family and also she’s HELLA PRETTY. I’m sad her character has gone for now, but at least she wasn’t killed off. - I also love Ada a lot - I was really shocked when I read that Sophie Rundle hasn’t been acting all that long before she got the part in PB, because honestly she’s very good! And her concept again is a fun one - the only girl in a family of violent gangster boys. (Or as Freddy puts it, “The only princess”, which she is.) Having said that, I’m not sure how I feel about Ada’s character arc over the course of the season. In One she came off as kind of childish and still sort of stuck in her Rebellious Teen phase, then she became a mother and Freddie died, then in Season Two she’s trying to distance herself from the family and go legit, then in Season Four and Five she’s helping run the business and taking money from Tommy. Idk, I wish she’d play a more major role like her brothers because her motivations seem to change based on what the screenwriter wants, not what feels natural for her. Plus it annoys me that Ada blamed Ben Younger’s death on Tommy, but Tommy gets a lot of blame for things that aren’t his fault so I guess he’s used to it. Still, Ada is still a lot of fun when she does get to play a big role and gets some great lines later on. “Tommy Shelby is going to stop a revolution with his cock.” - POLLY, MY QUEEN! Easily the best woman on the show (sorry, Ada) and such a fucking badass. She’s definitely the voice of reason within the family and conflicting loyalty is a really interesting theme that gets explored with her, between her arguing nephews and niece, between her family or whether she wants to marry again and leave, her relationship with Michael, it’s all so great. Helen McRory is such a brilliant addition to the show. Also I love that Polly kinda represents women taking over after all the men went away to war and now they’re back, but the women aren’t just going to creep back into the house - World War One changed the workplace forever for women and I think Polly being the second in command after Tommy reflects that really well. - I think overall my favourite seasons have been Seasons One, Two and Four, I tend to find I get a bit bored in Peaky Blinders whenever it gets especially heavy on politics like in Season Three and Five and I admittedly kind of miss the simplicity of the early days of the show when it was about horse-racing, but the Changretta vs Shelby feud was genuinely really gripping and Adrien Brody was also Very Good. (I mean, I couldn’t take him seriously because of Brodyquest, but I like him a lot.) - I HATE GRACE. There, I said it. And honestly I have SO MUCH to say on why I hate her and also why I think she is the epitome of bad writing that has happened on this show that I might as well save it for a whole nother post, but Tommy and Grace’s relationship always felt so unnatural and forced to me, like they are in love because the screenwriter said so - Grace is the only woman Tommy knows who isn’t related to him and also because it pisses off Campbell. Like, she was tolerable if highly irritating in Season One, but then Two came along and she just got worse and worse. She’s annoyingly convinced she’s better than everyone else, pulls off a LOT of questionable shit that NO-ONE except Polly ever pulls her up on and Tommy repeatedly pining over a woman who lied to him and betrayed him makes no goddamn sense. I wish Stephen Knight would just let him get over her, because her showing up over and over again in the show after the bitch died two Seasons ago is so infuriating I want to throw my remote at the TV. The best bit of Season Three was someone finally putting a bullet in her, honestly. /rant - On that note, I really wish that they’d use May properly. She was introduced in Season Two and honestly her chemistry with Tommy is about a thousand times more believable than anything he had with Guuuhrayce and also May doesn’t consistently talk in that annoying, breathy voice and also she doesn’t shamelessly manipulate Tommy constantly. It’s too bad Stephen Knight couldn’t get Charlotte Riley back for Season Three owing to her pregnancy, because I think the trajectory of the show would have been very different. But her scene where she spoke about her husband and tried to hide that she was crying? So good. The fucking Face Tommy gives her when she asks for a mixer in her gin? Priceless. Agh - May’s been chronically underused in the show but she keeps getting mentioned every now and then, so I’m hoping there are plans for her to come back in Season Six. I really like her and I honestly think Tommy/May has been the best relationship he’s had, because it’s the only one that’s felt A) Natural and B) Equal. - Lizzie Stark. Okay, so I have mixed feelings about Lizzie. I liked her in Seasons One and Two, because she was this down-on-her-luck woman who was treated like crap by everyone, but she wasn’t wholly without her own flaws or personality - she did lie to John and Tommy did act in his brother’s best interests to tell him the truth. The scenes she had with Tommy in Season Two when he promotes her to his secretary were honestly very cute and my heart broke for her when that solider nearly (?) raped her in Season Two and she cried in John’s arms. But over time she’s started to irritate me. I know that people feel bad for her because Tommy honestly does treat her badly at times, though other times she’s also one of the few people he’s nice to, their relationship is complicated. But truthfully I don’t see Tommy/Lizzie every working out properly because Lizzie was a whore. She’s always been Tommy’s inferior and while I do think he cares for her, she never seems to think it’s enough. He doesn’t love her enough and she’s never satisfied with it and she’s always resentful of him. But you can’t FORCE someone to love you and it’s interesting that the minute she learned she was pregnant, you could see her thinking of how to make this work. She pulled the Baby Trap on him just like Grace did and got married like she wanted, but Tommy still doesn’t truly see her as his equal. And honestly, I don’t think she’s smart enough for him. Add that to Lizzie being EXTREMELY petty to other women (including her being really rude to May and slut-shaming her - bit rich from you, isn’t it, Lizzie?), and I don’t think they have a healthy relationship. I do like little Ruby a lot (way more than Charles, who is a spoiled brat because he’s Grace’s son and has a martyred dead mummy), but honestly I don’t see Tommy/Lizzie working out. I just hope that she doesn’t leave and take Ruby, I think it’d break Tommy to have his daughter taken away from him. - Alfie Solomons. So...I have to confess I have mixed feelings about Alfie. I liked him in Season Two because he’s batshit crazy, Tom Hardy is clearly having the time of his life and it’s refreshing to have a rival to Tommy who isn’t cartoonishly evil like Billy Kimber or Sabini. He ties into Season Two very well and yeah, I can see why he’s so popular. Also he’s pretty attractive, so that always helps. But. Alfie is starting to come across a bit like a creator’s pet to me. He consistently betrays Tommy every goddamn Season and while I know the fandom love to joke about this, it’s pretty inexplicable that Tommy would bother to continue to do business with him after being burned so many times and now it turns out he’s alive. Why? Why bring Alfie back? I feel like he was brought back because he’s a fan favourite and to add another suspect to who betrayed Tommy. I don’t hate Alfie at all, but I am starting to wish he’d face actual consequences for his actions, considering every Peaky Blinders character who fucks with the Peaky Blinders tend to suffer horribly for it, but not Alfie...for some reason. - Michael. Okay so Michael’s actor is pretty damn good and I thought it was cute that he and John’s actors are actually brother irl - you can see the resemblance. And honestly bringing back Polly’s missing kids was a really clever idea because there’s a family tie, but one that isn’t so strong you can always be sure of where his loyalties lie. His subplot with Father Hughes in Season Three was both very sad and very well done - I was cheering him on the whole way. But Season Five has made my opinion of Michael take a dramatic nosedive. He’s gone from sorta-sympathetic to an entitled brat almost overnight. I get he’s probably salty about being banished to America by Tommy in Season Four, but where has this sudden desire to rule the company come from? How did he meet Gina? Is he lying about Gina being pregnant because he figured it’d win him sympathy? I don’t know. He’s changed so drastically, and when Polly gave him that slap, I think she was doing what everyone wanted to. It’s too bad they just wrote Anna off as being dead, though, Michael having a sister and Polly a daughter would have been interesting. - The music?? Is so good?? I love it! Especially the themesong, obviously, but so much of it is always ON POINT. It makes me wanna buy the entire soundtrack. - Unpopular opinion, but I think Campbell was the best antagonist of the show, mainly because he was a vile person but still believable and had the best dynamic with Tommy.  - Season Five was honestly kind of hit-and-miss for me, it seemed like a lot of people are pissed at Tommy for fairly silly reasons in the beginning and I just didn’t find the political subplot all that interesting...but I still will definitely tune into Season Six. (Also these are all just opinions, so please don’t send me hate if you don’t like something I’ve said. Ain’t nobody got time for that.)

[mmmmalo]

Some Words on Openbound

This is a step towards a more comprehensive account of A6I3 (Openbound). The basic idea: Meenah’s interactive adventures can be read as a dream-sequence from Roxy’s point of view expressing the following motifs:

The threat posed by (Lord) English functions as a metastasized metaphor for problems posed by language itself.

To escape from the clutches of language is to achieve perfect communication, represented by a return to a pre-lingual, child-like state (“pre-lingual” at once referring to image, sensation, and silence)

The recurring motif of 'merging with child’ is also used to a. to express the desire for pregnancy b. to express the desire to become one’s True Self, conceptualized as an inner, child-self that is “born” within oneself like an embryo c. to express pedophilia

First: Meenah is Roxy’s doppelganger. When we are introduced to Roxy’s fenestrated planes, we are promptly informed that if someone were caught half in/out one of the windows when the power cuts off, the poor soul would be sliced in two (4510). By Chekhov’s gun, this introduction ought to result in someone getting gorily bisected by the window, but it never happens. Instead we get this:

Gcat warps the panel away, trapping Roxy in the void, and we are shown a bisected horse puppet (left). The half-horse reiterates the looming threat of Chekhov’s guillotine. Roxy’s body is intact, but the scenery suggests she ought to be split. The suggestion is followed by the initial appearance of Meenah (right), implying that Meenah herself is a piece of Roxy, snipped away and running rampant. Thus, a doppelganger.

So, taking Meenah to be a esoteric mirror of Roxy, it follows that her adventures in the dreams bubbles are a narrative frame for /Roxy’s/ dreams. This is the basic assumption of everything that follows.

1: Language is the enemy.

Time is an impermeable barrier. It ticks on irreversibly, edging its victims unto entropic dissolution. The Lord of Time and the destruction he brings embody the inevitability of death. Aradia cracks a joke about this at the beginning of Openbound: within the ageless confine of the dreambubbles, “time is a figure of speech”, she says. Though ostensibly asserting the endless flexibility of time, an alternate interpretation would indicate that Lord English, time, and language itself are apprehended on similar terms. The most useful one presently: language, like time, is regarded as a barrier.

Throughout Homestuck, characters struggle with abstractions, beginning with the frustrating data mechanics of the sylladex and culminating in various tightrope-walks along unorthodox configurations of space and time. Language numbers among the headaches: Caliborn characterizes the text he reads as “walls”, further declaring them to be “impenetrable” and “migraine-inducing”. On one level, this aligns with Caliborn’s statement that the kids talk/think too much and he’d like them to just GET THE FuCK ON WITH IT ALREADY: speech is an obstacle towards both the completion of the kids’ objectives and Caliborn’s attainment of what he wants. On another level, this aligns with the later discussion of Caliborn’s learning disability: in all likelihood, he has difficulty reading. Another example of this disdain for language is Jade, who, in her rapturous treatise on the wonders of anthro, answers the call of the wild by renouncing words.

No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane as a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal tow. It now drives you through the midnight brush, your paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation.

Just prior to Openbound, the sentiments expressed above (that language is unnecessary, an obstacle to unmediated communication and pure sensation) are restated in mythic terms: REALITY ITSELF is being DESTROYED by (LORD) ENGLISH! Language the inhibitor of direct experience becomes language the rot of the universe, language the malevolent destroyer of the capacity for any experience at all.

Meenah witnesses English’s destruction of reality and rushes off to recruit soldiers to fight him. There is harmony between the imminent threat of English and the gameplay: the primary obstacles to Meenah’s objectives are words. Literal walls of text stand between you and the end of the level, as you must navigate exhausting conversations to satisfy the game’s win conditions. Within the conversation themselves, the motif persists by showcasing various ways that speech can obscure meaning.

Kankri couches his points in overly ornate terminology and uses social justice as a tool for settling personal disputes. Latula laments how her commitment to her RAD speech affectations and persona can make her harder to understand. Cronus trips over his own accent, Mituna tumbles through various word spasms. Meulin’s deafness is thematically succeeded by Rufioh’s inability to communicate his unhappiness to the Horuss, who has sweat in his ears. The two characters who you cannot understand at all, the silent Kurloz and the pseudo-Japanese speaking Damara, are revealed to be direct servants of Lord English! Failure to communicate – inability to bridge the barrier of language – is the enemy.

The counter to the hyperbolic threat of language-as-mediation and is a fantasy of perfect communication. In Jade’s scenario, attainment of this ideal is presented visually as Jade acquiring the superficial markers of a wolf (“Wouldn't these ears suit you? Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?”), whereupon she acquires the rich experience that she associates with the idea of animal, unmediated by language. Just as Jade merges with the image of a wolf, there is an image in Openbound that Meenah seeks, the attainment of which embodies the goal of some idealized communication, without words.

The image is that of childhood.

2: Kankri and Porrim form a spectrum of identity

In Homestuck, desire is generally structured as the restoration of a lost unity. Consider Cherub reproduction, itself inspired by a Platonic model of love: in seeking a soulmate, one is actually seeking a fascimile of their lost half, that with which they were originally united. The force that fractures this unity -- the boundary that prohibits access to the desired object -- is the law.

I elaborate on the various corollaries of this motif elsewhere (x)(x), but for present purposes, let it suffice to say that time itself functions as a law of sorts, insofar as time rips you away from childhood and bars the possibility of a return.

That’s a little abstract, so here’s an example: due to the the status of trolls as manifestations, we know that the characters Meenah visits in the afterlife are expressions of her (and thus Roxy’s) psyche. This relationship is difficult to map on a troll-by-troll basis. But things begin to click when you view each cluster of interactions with Beforan trolls as a mental constellation, their interplay showcasing pervasive internal dialogues and dynamics.

In the first cluster, Latula appears between Porrim and Kankri because SHE IS THE LAW, dividing Jesus from Mary, Child from Mother (which, as I will show, seems to be the trajectory Roxy imagines for herself). This is the reason that Latula successfully interrupts Kankri and Karkat’s “conversation”: they are clones, more or less, and the law is that which divides the child from itself.

I don’t claim Kankri represents a child just because he’s a brat who gets ruthlessly mothered by Porrim: it’s also implicit in his politics. Humans are not stratified by blood color, so the hemospectrum is not directly analogous to any real life example of power, privilege, or what have you. Neither is it perfectly generic. In a given context, the hemospectrum is often analogized to some particular notion of hierarchy. Eridan’s drive for blood purity marks him as a analogous to a racial supremacist; the depiction of Zebruh’s attitude towards low bloods is well interpreted as being rooted in a particularly exploitative brand of misogyny (x); and Kankri’s polemics pivot upon the particular role that AGE DIFFERENCE plays in structural oppression of Alternia, a metaphor for what is popularly termed “adultism”, injustices stemming from the power adults hold over children.

Kankri emphasizes that the lifespan discrepancy between warm and cool hemochroma means the upper classes are allotted far more time (unto eons) to consolidate power and define cultural norms; their immense lifespans constitute a structural basis for the oppression of lowbloods, whose relative youth means less time to organize. This doubles as a description of a political limitation of children, relative to adults. Kankri describes the lowest grouping of blood colors as Burgundy, Ochre, Umber, and Yellow -- BUOY for short, which not coincidentally is Meenah’s nautical permutation of BOY. All of which is to say that Kankri rankling at Porrim’s doting is mutually analogous with his politics, in the context of Beforus, where coddling is the de facto relation between castes. His being a brat raging against an overbearing mother is an analogy.

And funny enough, that’s something he and Porrim have in common, in a way. Porrim balks at the /role/ of motherhood expected of her, among other injustices upon women in Beforan society. And Porrim likewise objects to the role of RAD GIRL that Latula 'pro+jects’, encouraging her to just ‘be yo+urself’... the idea being, in the same sense that Latula’s GAME GIRL persona masks her ‘real’ personality, femininity itself is construed as a shell encasing the ‘true’ child-self within. Or rather, the feminine persona is portrayed as being pregnant with the child-self, which is the true self. So Kankri’s raging against Porrim is a metaphor for a spirit balking at the gendered expectations that encase them.

If I can speak with any confidence on this psychological reading of Kankri and Porrim’s opposition, it because the invocation of pregnancy to communicate as sense of inner/outer self is repeated throughout the dream, through the language used to describe characters who are otherkin. Take Cronus for example: he is named after a god famous for devouring his children. And his lusus (an expression of his desire) is a seahorse, notable for their child-bearing males. The net effect is the impression of a baby in Cronus’s belly -- but instead of literal pregnancy, we see Cronus describe himself as ‘a human “born” in the body of a troll’, essentially invoking the image of pregnancy to communicate his status as humankin.

Here you might begin to see how this is Roxy’s dream -- the mental conflict between Porrim (womanhood) and Kankri (childhood, which while ostensibly gender neutral can be rendered masculine by opposition to womanhood) creates a spectrum of identity available to Roxy, as made explicit by their gender exploration in the epilogues. This seems to be the joke at play whenever Latula reiterates the “GIRLS RULE, BOYS DROOL” line from her theme song: taken literally, it is a succinct summary of the Kankri/Porrim conflict, wherein the feminine persona is construed as dominating the (at times masculine by contrast) child-self. 

Kankri’s description of a “warm-identifying physically-cooler caste” is Roxy: she identifies with her child-self.

And as I mentioned before, just as Latula stands between Porrim and Kankri, time is the law separating someone feeling trapped by femininity from a childhood where such concerns were nonexistent. Time is thus the enemy, which is one of the thematic reasons the Lord of Time warrants such resentment. A certain longing for childhood also characterizes the glimpses of John that punctuates Openbound: he laments the inability to recapture the feeling of watching Con Air with his Dad when he was younger (throwing his big tantrum at the exact moment that Cyrus threatens the bunny, which really ought to go back in the box, the perfectly generic object). Roxy later voices a similar sentiment in Wizardy Herbert via Beatrix, who would “trade all the badges in the world to go back to when things were simpler.” Elsewhere in the story Roxy emphasizes a growing tension between a figure with ~100 merit badges (symbolizing complexity) with another character, Russet (an apple, the emblem of atomic simplicity, as per drunk!Rose). Kanaya might describe this as a tension between Space and Time (1093), but here it chiefly serves to further underline the Child and Adult distinction.

3: The corollary of “perfect communication” is silence.

If Time divides the child from itself, it can be hypothesized that Lord English can embody this divide in his other symbolic functions, such as his embodiment of language. If true, it follows that the union of the child-self represents perfect, unmediated communication. Our first example of such a union then are the enmeshed Vantases (who are basically clones) -- but instead of some transcendent transmission of thought, we see an endless one-sided lecture. Spoonful after heaping spoonful of heaving diarhetoric fed directly into Karkat’s gaping earhole.

And on a psychological level, perhaps that’s an apt description of what it means to “just be yourself” without interruption, no commentary or insecure protests interjecting their way into your stream of consciousness. Ordering yourself around without a second thought. And I’ve been in the zone in that way, where I’m so immersed in a task that the task becomes me. But on an interpersonal level, it’s clear that “perfect” speech is entirely unequal.

Despite ostensibly championing the rights of children in the face of domination, Kankri asserts himself as the “teacher” to Karkat’s “pupil”, assuming that the transmission of truth will be one-sided. When confronted by Porrim about this hypocrisy, Kankri defensively insists that he is having a “man to man conversation” with Karkat, an equal exchange. (And oddly, even as she advocates for Karkat, Porrim leaves Karkat in his silence, gently assuring him that his dejected glance has said all he needs to say...)

At any rate, the Karkat-Kankri dynamic illustrates that the immediacy of communication within the primordial union brings with it an element of domination. The subsequent pairings (Cronus-Mituna and Kurloz-Meulin) elaborate on problems and abuses that can accompany compromised speech and silence, each section emphasizing a particular child symbol: respectively, angels and cats (which I’ve established previously). 

Angels first: Cronus’s claim that “as a wwingman [Mituna] is a total disgrace” uses “wingman” to invoke the image of angels. This method is repeated by Lil Hal, who observes that Dirk views him as a “counterproductive wing man”, to which Dirk sarcastically replies “nice deduction Lil Einstein”. The reference to the Disney Jr. show neatly ties the angel reference into the fact that as Dirk’s creation, in a sense Hal can be considered Dirk’s child. And in the same way that Hal (the child/angel) functions partly as a reflection of Dirk’s own nature, Mituna’s angel status indicates that he can function symbolically as Cronus’s “inner-child”, the self with which one is pregnant.xx

Silence is an interminable pregnancy. Not speaking means not birthing the baby, not letting the angel fall to earth. The hush is a measure against the corruption and ruin associated with English. (Even though the silent characters are his most devoted servants?)

Cronus demonstrates this with the command “vwait here, try not to fall dowvn, and ABOVWE ALL, try not to be seen” in which “above all” doubles as the place from which Mituna is falling. Language is the instrument of descent, Mituna’s garbled speech emphasizes his “fallen” status within the paradigm. Cronus “really hates the sound of” Mituna partly because he views Mituna as a caricature of himself, again not unlike Dirk’s violent rejection of the negative qualities he identifies in Hal.

This is why Cronus’s opening gesture is to fail a tongue-twister and cry GLOBES in exasperation: it is as though he has hit a snag in his verbal kick-flip and face-planted onto the earth (the globe) -- Mituna bombing his literal stunts and falling down being the root visual. Skateboards (and other 4-wheel devices) are vehicles unto “unreal air”: a status of immaculate lofty ideality, and thus untouchable and pure. The other skateboarder, Latula, made a point of emphasizing her untouchability as she performed some “objectively rad” tricks for Kankri. And more to the point, Latula claims that her intuitions “just make sense” and explaining them would not be "radical”, saying in her own way that bringing her feelings/intuitive knowledge into the realm of speech would in some way tarnish or degrade them. “4 grlz gott4 s4cr1f1c3 und3rst4nd4b1l1ty for th3 s4k3 of r4dn3ss” she says.

Another way to put it is that not expressing a thought can make seem invincible -- it cannot be exposed to the risk of contradiction or mockery. A relevant quote:

MEENAH: i heard a rumor you think youre a human now MEENAH: that true

CRONUS: its a privwate matter. i dont see vwhy i should havwe to talk about it vwith you, and open myself up to more of your judgmental scorn.

MEENAH: sounds like another desperate cry for attention imo

(Aside: an old friend of mine faced almost this exact conversation on facebook when they came out as a trans man, so this one actually hit home a little bit.)

Roxy’s sensitivity to the reactions of others is perhaps implicit in the paranoid staring contests with the void, but in relation to their gender expression, it becomes most explicit in the epilogue -- not only in the faltering manner by which Roxy begins to assert their gender expression, but in the narration itself. Although Dirk’s narration seems to largely reflection his own hesitation to embrace Roxy’s newfound identity, it should be remembered that he is effectively Roxy’s brainghost when narrating their thoughts. That is to say, Dirk’s reaction to Roxy is symbiotic with what Roxy imagines Dirk’s reaction would be. The mockery in the narration is the mockery Roxy expects and fears. Thus, Roxy’s level of comfort and security with their current gender expression necessarily coincides with the level of ease expressed by Dirk’s later narration.

But let’s return to Openbound.

The traumatic deafening of Meulin is analogous to the deathening of Jaspers: one is blasted with the violent shriek of a clown, the other sassacrushed by the “daunting text” of Mark Twain. With the cat as a symbol of the child-self, the message is basically that the child’s encounter with language is a violent experience. (Lord English is destroying reality, etc etc) Kankri neatly echoes this point of view by announcing one of his lectures as “my crushing harangue 9n this delicate su6ject” -- to rephrase, he is crushing the delicate subject (child) with his harangue.

Like much violence in Homestuck, violence of speech is sexualized. There is a moment where Cronus openly relishes the unilateral communication first displayed in the Kankri > Karkat pipeline. He basks in the fact that Mituna is incapable of repeating anything coherently, or that Mituna’s word is otherwise held in such disrepute that no one will take Mituna seriously. As Cronus does this, Mituna laments that Cronus is touching him and will not stop.

The bad-touch motif continues with Kurloz and Meulin, who achieve their own mode of “perfect communication” (union with child-self) via streams of wordless, emotive images. In the above exchange, Kurloz mimes an Ewok rubbing a child, to which Meulin responds with a small frown and a laughing Sailor Moon, as if to convey that she were the one being tickled in the previous gif. She slams the UNSEE button to emphasize her displeasure. (It is only after this sequence that we learn Kurloz can control Meulin’s mind, further linking harmonious union with tyrannical, unilateral communication)

It’s worth noting here that Meenah’s goal in parts 1 & 2 is to get through gates established by Karkat, ultimately convincing him to join up with her. Karkat who, alongside Kankri, currently represents the child-self. Just as Rufioh interprets Meenah’s invitation to join as a romantic proposal, Meenah interprets her successful recruitment of Karkat as a date, sealing the euphemism by reassuring her recruit that he “will not regret hitchin [his] wagon to [her] starfish”, which is a sex joke. The undertones of age disparity later surface as Meenah joins up with her second Vriska (x):

MEENAH: can i ask a kinda personal question MEENAH: i mean not even that personal but whatev 

VRISKA: Sure...? 

MEENAH: how old are you 

VRISKA: Uh, VRISKA: Almost seven and a half sweeps. VRISKA: Getting close to eight!!!!!!!! VRISKA: I pro8a8ly sound like a fucking nerd, 8ut I've 8een excited a8out reaching that milestone pretty much my whole life. 

MEENAH: 7.5 huh MEENAH: i guess thats a lil more respectable 

VRISKA: More respecta8le than what? 

MEENAH: nofin

For Roxy, the libidinal investment in kids is confined to subtext for basically the whole story: jokes about the speculative mechanics of boning chess people and elves, the sexual tension between Russet and the boy with 100 merit badges, the time Roxy was briefly upset to learn she had been “flirt-larping” with a 13 year old Dirk, only to resume the game a page later -- little moments. In the epilogues, Roxy being highly conscious of her interactions with children and the potential for reproducing systems of domination seems embedded in her trepidation towards any of the players governing the world they created (a hands-off attitude toward parenting that may also offer some rationale for Mom’s neglect of Rose, if all that is true of Roxy holds true for her past self).

But let’s move forward.

4: To See Oneself as a Host Plush

I’d like to reiterate here that the Kankri-Porrim dichotomy suggests that the categories of ‘baby’ and ‘boy’ are blurred in their mutual opposition to ‘girl’. Again, the letter of the law: BOYS DROOL! This offers a rationale for oddities like Roxy wiping John’s mouth for him during their date in Candy (boys drool), or this little slip-of-the-tongue which I wouldn’t quite call subtle:

ROXY: doin ok up there b?

JOHN: i’m fine!!! JOHN: wait. b?

ROXY: yea like short for babe ROXY: cuz ur my babe b

JOHN: oh, haha. right.

If we’re being less charitable, you could characterize this as Roxy keeping her eyes on the prize -- as though in addressing John, she is actually addressing the baby that he can provide her. And while I’m not certain of that, the notion of such double-speak (seemingly addressing the person in front of you when you are actually addressing an unborn child) is crucial for understanding the metaphors embedded in the Damara-Rufioh-Horuss triad.

The motif of pregnancy is here introduced via Fiduspawn: impregnate the host plush and a baby pony comes out.

You might remember that Rufioh refers to girls as ‘doll’ -- this quirk links the host plush to the feminine (at least within the context of this dream). To be more precise, the doll is characterized as a void that invites (or even demands) filling: this is a complementary reading of Horuss’s claim that Rufioh “stole his breath away”, synonymous with the claim that Rufioh “has a way of drawing the breath out of people”. The Rogue of Breath has difficulty standing up for himself (Horuss calls it “affable pliability”), so Horuss often speaks over him or on his behalf, as though Rufioh were a marionette. Horuss is saying that Rufioh’s passive demeanor invites this sort of behavior, that Rufioh’s effective silence means he is “asking for it”, to use a loaded phrase. 

How funny then that the “doll” of their group Damara (whose name means Silence) is literally “asking for it”, constantly. The same logic applies to Dirk’s decapitated head (from just before this intermission!) and Vriska’s comatose body -- through narrative contrivance, each voiceless vessel hauntingly implores a living Page to kiss them, to fill them with a Breath from without. The sequences suggest a conviction on the part of the kissers: that which is “empty” must desire to be “filled”, a framing that becomes particularly unpleasant when sexualized.

What Damara is asking for is ambiguous, at once referring to sex and the child to which sex serves as vehicle (among other potentials). I wrote awhile back (x) that Mom gave Jaspers an ostentatious burial as a proxy mourning for a miscarried child that preceded Rose, and her cat-cloning was oriented towards the eventual revival of her lost baby. For Damara (and thus Roxy) this becomes a fundamental myth: the desire for children is complemented in intensity by the conviction that the child has already been lost, or stolen from you. Horuss observes that Damara’s remarks a leaning “bloo” because (it’s a pun) her dirty talk is tinged with mourning. There is, inexplicably, sorrow when Damara says she wants to feel her nipples between your teeth. She’s not talking to you -- she’s talking to the baby.

This is also the joke when Latula/Terezi threaten to kill Damara for approaching Mituna/Karkat: the LAW will not permit you to access BABY! You may not recover your child or your childhood, time has barred you from both. (Though of course, through the pedophilia lens this becomes much less sympathetic).

A similar moment can be read into Horuss: Kankri, like all trolls, acts as a manifestation of some emotional surge, so Kankri’s sudden appearance implies that someone is legitimately triggered, despite the comic’s apparent commitment to denigrating his point of view. Like Cronus, Horuss’s horse-kin status entails an identification with his inner (child) self -- but the trans allegory melds seamlessly into other modes of union with the child image, such as pregnancy. So when Kankri asks Horuss to confirm that he is triggered by Meenah’s skepticism towards his identity, the reply “Trigger sounds like a wonderful name for a hoofbeast” is not merely a flippant non-sequitur, but also another echo of the core lamentation, a wistful musing on names for a dead/unborn child.

A brief step backwards: at the beginning, we outlined how Lord English’s destruction of reality was (in the present context at least) a mythic expression of fears and frustrations about communication and speech. Dissatisfaction /produced/ a fantasy individual to whom the problem could be sourced and blamed assigned. A similar attitude should be adopted in examining Damara’s theft of Rufioh’s “happy thought” Tinkerbull -- she represents an already existing discontentment with his circumstances, crystallized into an individual.

This is where Damara would seem to slot into the dysphoria proceedings: she crushed Tinkerbull with a refrigerator, a reprisal of the sassacrushing of Jaspers. The refrigerator is a womb symbol (I insist), suggesting that the womb is a hostile force on par with the Law of English (Girls Rule!). From the perspective of Mom, this could be read a response to her miscarriage, a result of blaming her own body for the child’s death. From Roxy’s perspective, it might be better characterized as ‘the body itself is a domineering force suffocating my child self’ -- and thus dysphoria. Damara crushing Tinkerbull represents the sense that your own body is a meat prison, a shell imprisoning (if not outright killing) your happiness.

This is why Damara manifests for Kanaya, who struggles to reconcile herself with Porrim, a daunting image of ideal womanhood, especially as it concerns the care of matriorb (ie motherhood). Porrim assures her that even though motherhood is to some degree a societal imposition, a role, this does not mean Kanaya cannot embrace the perpetuation of her species on her own terms. This is a good lesson, and Kanaya agrees -- but there stands Damara regardless, joy-stealer, lingering discomfort with self-conception as a host plush. “Just ignore her until she goes away” is all the advice Porrim has to offer on the subject.

(Passing thought: It occurs to me that the phrase ‘happy thought’ used to describe Tinkerbull could be replaced with ‘euphoria’, forming a clean complement to ‘dysphoria’... but wordplay reliant on a missing link is somewhat suspect, so let’s leave that one in the margins)

5: High Euphemistic Density

Let’s review by playing with some euphemisms in Horuss’s opening address to Meenah. I’m dividing his words into 3 sections for ease of reference:

1 HORUSS: 8=D < Your Harness... I mean Hayness. Highness I mean. HORUSS: 8=D < F*DDLEST*%. Please pardon my utterly e%ecrable language, and unforgivable stammering, your Horseness. #Sh*ot! #I mean Hayness! #Whew. 2 HORUSS: 8=D < I am a bale of nerves in your royal presence, and it has been so long. 3 HORUSS: 8=D < And when I am so spooked, you must know how that causes me to even more firmly identify with the majestic hoofbeast.

Starting with three: recall, “girls rule”. Femininity is characterized as a daunting (or even domineering) imposition. Kanaya displaying anxiety at the prospect of measuring up to the image of Porrim is one way this motif crystallizes into a character dynamic. Another way seems to be Horuss’s anxiety before his empress -- just as Kankri (child) rebels against Porrim (mother), the presence of Meenah (mother) induces Horuss to identify with the hoofbeast (baby). Both cases present a shrinking away from a feminine authority figure as metaphor for rejection of the societal strictures of femininity.

Two is a dick joke: while Horuss is ostensibly lamenting his anxiety, a penis is a literal ‘bale of nerves’, a sensory cluster. “It has been so long.” The pun is reinforced as the expense of Rufioh, who apparently did not have ‘the nerve’ to ‘finish [Damara] off’ on her quest bed, which is an innuendo for sexual inadequacy. That Horuss’s smiling face emoji is itself a dick suggests a conflation of identification with his happy thoughts and identification with the member -- which, based on previous discussion of Tinkerbull, would seem to blur the line between having a dick and being pregnant? Which aligns with the notion that pregnancy becomes a metaphor for masculine identification via union with the child self.

(“You very nearly caught a glimpse of a horse penis and began to cry” conveys a mournful yearning of the same order as “I want to feel my nipples between your teeth”?)

But the metaphor goes both ways: the brain is another ‘bale of nerves’, thus offering a rational for Mituna’s presence on the outskirts of the dream. His fall from the brain tree strikes me as less an ejaculation (from brain-dick) as birth (from brain-womb) -- hence the use of Mituna as the lost child, forever denied to Damara by the law (Latula).

And we arrive at one, which repeats a bit from Cronus’s introduction: Horuss trips over his own speech, illustrating the Fall. Just as Cronus attempts to silence Mituna to avoid the embarrassment expected to accompany self-expression, Horuss attempts to c*nsor himself before the judgement of his empress. The need to hide himself (as the stoic smile might indicate) is also embedded in the way Horuss describes his mouth as a load-gaper, and begs pardon for his potty-mouth: silence is golden, and conversely speech becomes excrable, fallen and profaned.

(Silly thought: on occasion, censorship can also designate the holy, eg censoring the name of G*d so as not to besmirch it. That in mind, I find it amusing to take Roxy’s line “holiest of shits // the shit.... // is down right // SACROSANCT” as a literal deification of excrement, making Horuss and Rufioh’s self-censorship look like a last ditch attempt at keeping the angel-child up in heaven. No?)

6: Conclusions and Questions

Obviously, this isn’t all that can be said of Openbound -- people have written extensive character studies of the alpha trolls, mined their stories for clues and parallels to less tangential plot-lines, and otherwise made whatever sense could be made of things. My contribution is some words on the mixed metaphors, word play, and psychological motifs that surround the proceedings.

If you, like me, are frazzled by the sheer density of double and triple speak at play, this is the gist of what I’m arguing for:

“Merge with child” seems to be the overarching motivation expressed in Openbound. But to follow that command verbatim is impossible -- the goal must be interpreted (as getting pregnant, as being true to oneself, as pederasty, as nostalgic pursuit of simplicity, etc) in order to be realized.

That the ideal merger is an image whose wholeness/breadth of possibility is lost in the specificity of actualization would seem analogous to the Fall occurring between silence and speech... so the motif persists on a meta level, maybe? But we don’t need to dwell on that more than we already have. 

Instead, I’d like to end with several new points that give me pause.

It’s still not clear to me why the silent characters are the direct servants of Lord English. Communication with them is impossible, and that frustration is what causes language to be conceived as a threat in the first place, but I have an itch that tells me there’s a bit more to it than that.

I don’t know what the transmission of the codpiece has to do with anything. I suspect it may number among various metaphors for trans masculinity, but that’s confirmation bias speaking -- from the scene itself, I gathered very little.

I wonder if Aranea’s info dumps at the end are factored in... you could construe them as placing Meenah in the position of Karkat relative to Kankri -- on the receiving end of spoonful after heaping spoonful of words. So even though Karkat disappears after you follow him, you’ve nonetheless “merged” with the child-function that he performs here? But again, I worry that this sort of hasty integration means I’m missing out on new info.

I’m pretty firmly of the mind that this whole intermission is chiefly devoted to Roxy, but I do worry that Meenah’s doppelganger status could have misled me on that point. After all, Jane’s planet quest contained references to her friends desires, not only her own (x)(x) -- would it be so odd for the same to be true of Roxy’s dreams? In which case it would be worth revisiting this intermission to double-check whether any given section might map more closely to the other alpha kids -- especially since Rufioh/Horuss is a transparent commentary on Dirk/Jake

This is a good a place as any to note that when I was operating under the assumption that Roxy was a trans girl, I was inclined to read the Rufioh/Horuss break-up as ambivalence on the question of getting rid of your dick -- which seemed sensible enough at the time, though the present model seems more consistent across the various conversations. It should be noted though that the language of gender questioning can easily serve multiple directions at once. So... I guess I want to make sure the apparent success of this approach doesn’t blind me to other interpretive potentials? Fingers crossed

...there’s more things to question, probably, but I think that’s good for now.

Special thanks to @red-zora for giving this mess the once-over.

Good night everyone.

[81scorp]

My thoughts on Tangled

(Originally posted as an editorial on Deviantart Nov 17, 2015.)

In my "More thoughts on Frozen" editorial I wrote: "I like Frozen. Though not as much as I like Tangled."So let`s talk about Tangled.

And at last I see the SPOILERS

I didn`t have high expectations about this movie. Based on what I saw from the trailer it seemed to be not much more than a silly romp with lots of slapstick, kinda like The Emperor`s new groove. I wasn`t really interested in watching it until I saw a trailer with the scene where Flynn and Rapunzel sits in a boat and release lanterns into the sky. I thought to myself: "I think I`ll give it a watch."

Then there`s the name. It was originally gonna be called Rapunzel, but the big suits at Disney changed it. It has been theorized that they did it because The Princess and the Frog, while not unsuccessful at the box office, was not as successful as they had hoped, and they were afraid that boys wouldn`t see a movie with the word "Princess" or anything feminine in the title. I think it was a very insecure move from Disney, it`s like changing "The Little Mermaid" to "Beached". If they had kept the name "Rapunzel" and marketed it the way they did, with the trailers focusing on The Emperor`s new groove-like slapstick while playing Pink`s "Trouble", I and (I`d like to think that others, as well) would still have gone to see it. You might want to argue and say that the name change was justified because they changed the story from the original fairytale. They changed the story of The Little Mermaid and The Hunchback of Notredam too but still kept the name of the original.But what`s in a name? Surely, an animated Disney movie about a girl with insanely long hair and the thief that act as her guide by any other name would still be as sweet. Insecure name changing aside, the rest of the movie could still be good.

My Brother and I went to see it in the cinema...IN 3D!!!

A few minutes into the movie we got something I wasn`t prepared for: A musical number... in an animated Disney movie. At first my reaction was "What?" But a part of me said "Yeah, and? What`s so odd about a musical number in an animated Disney movie? You walked into The Princess and the Frog fully aware that there was gonna be singing and liked it. You`re just a little surprised because you never saw any clips or trailers that indicated that it was gonna be a musical. Now shut up and enjoy this Disney musical damnit!"

But putting that aside, "When will my life begin" is not a great song to open with. It is VERY upbeat, modern and pop-ish, which, considering the 18th century world it takes place in, makes it feel very anachronistic.I liked it a little more after repeated viewings though, so it`s a bit of an aquired taste.A part of it that I did like (without repeated viewings) was the last part that begins with "Tomorrow night the lights will appear, just like they do on my birthday each year". This part of the song felt like Rapunzel`s more vulnerable side, like her true face under the mask of cheerfulness that we heard in the first parts. The chores and hobbies that she sings about (like puzzles and darts and baking) are what she does to kill time and the boredom of isolation. In hindsight, the title alone: "When will my life begin" pretty much verifies that.It`s not a bad song by itself, just maybe not the best song to open this movie with.You might wonder "Isn`t `Healing incantation` technically the first song of the movie and why did it take you till `When will my life begin`to realize it was a musical?"

Well, "Healing incantation" was the first song, yes. But unlike "When will my life begin" it`s diegetic, they could still sing it even if this movie wasn`t a musical. Diegetic music comes from a person or object in the scene (like a radio or musical performer), while non-diegetic music is external to the narrative. In Rocky II when Rocky runs down the streets of Philadelphia and the song "Gonna fly now" is playing, we can hear the music but Rocky can`t, it`s non-diegetic.

"Mother knows best" sounded better though, it felt more fitted for a musical. I like that she both figuratively and literally tries to keep Rapunzel in the dark in the musical number. James Berardinelli from ReelViews commented on his website that "the songs were neither catchy nor memorable". I don`t completely agree with him. Sure, a few hours after I left the cinema I didn´t remember most of the songs, but I did remember the chorus to "Mother knows best". Many like to compare Mother Gothel to Cher and I can`t say that I don`t see why. But to me she reminds me more of Edina from Absolutely Fabulous. Both call their daughter "darling", are selfish and one of the worst days in Edina`s life... was the day she turned 30! Another popular comparison is the one between her and Claude Frollo from the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Both keep a ward locked up in a tall building and tell them that the world is a horrible place. In a way Claude Frollo is the worse villain because he has more authority, he has power over the guards and by that, some level of control over the city. While similar, there are some small differences in their, for lack of a better word, "parenting skills". Frollo`s are more about being stern and controlling Quasimodo with a respect based on fear, while Mother Gothel is more about emotional manipulation and sending mixed messages. She gives Rapunzel subtle insults one minute only to add a little "just kidding, you know I love you" the next. On a large scale Frollo is the worst, while on a smaller, personal level Mother Gothel is the worst. There is a little bit of tenderness in her cruelty. One thing that bugs me is the glorification and romanticism of the age of 16. Appearently that`s the best age to be, that`s when everything great and magical happens. I thought to myself when watching Tangled: "Please don`t make her 16. Make her some other age or just don`t mention it." Rapunzel`s age was 17 and the next day she was gonna turn 18. I thought "Thank you Disney! Thank you for avoiding this clichè and overrated age". In a way it turns it into a metaphor for growing up, becoming independent and leaving the nest. Yes, she is technically still underaged at first, but it is she that is in charge and Flynn doesn`t try anything romantic on her until after she turns 18. But most important of all: she`s not 16.

I liked the reprise of "When will my life begin" better than the first version because, like "Mother knows best" the music and instruments in it felt more fitting for a musical. That moment before she puts her foot on her grass you could see in her eyes that it may have been a small step for man, but it was a giant leap for Rapunzel.

Which was then followed by the emotional rollercoaster known as "The bi-polar scene". In her book "Making a good script great" Linda Seger wrote that conflict is the basis of drama, and this movie has a lot of conflict without feeling overcrowded. There`s Flynn VS the guards of Corona and Flynn VS the Stabbington brothers, both over which one gets the crown. There`s Rapunzel VS Mother Gothel, Rapunzel wants to leave her tower to see the rest of the world, or at least the floating lanterns, while Gothel wants to keep her in the tower.There`s also conflict that adds comedy. There`s Flynn VS Maximus, which is an extension of Flynn VS the guards, but funnier. Flynn VS Rapunzel, Rapunzel needs Flynn as her bodyguard/guide through the dangerous outside world, so she hides his satchel and uses it as leverage. Flynn just wants the crown so he can sell it and get stinking rich, so he tries to manipulate and scare Rapunzel into giving up her journey to see the lanterns. Then there`s Rapunzel VS herself. While happy that she is seeing the world she also feels guilty over disobeying her mother, which leads to the inner conflict seen in the previously mentioned "bi-polar scene".

Maximus the horse, who I mentioned earlier is a great character and a great source of comedy. He`s like Officer Zenigata from Lupin III. Pascal adds a little comedy too but doesn`t contribute as much to the story as Maximus. My guess is that he was created for the same reason that Robin was created for Batman. The creators thought that it would be better if Batman had someone to talk and explain things to so he wouldn`t seem like a complete nutjob that talks to himself. I don`t have much to say about "I`ve got a dream", it`s a fun, likeable song one would usually expect the comical side-characters to sing. Is it just me or doesn`t the chorus borrow a little from "She`ll be coming round the mountain"?

"She'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain, she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes"

"Though I do like breaking femurs, you can count me with the dreamers. Like everybody else, I've got a dream."

(Sure, the melody isn`t identical but the structure is somewhat similar.)

Flynn refusing to sing (at first) is not exactly new for a Disney musical, it had already been done in Enchanted. However this was (to my knowledge) the first time it was done in the Disney animated canon and it was done much funnier.

The scene where Rapunzel and Flynn...

Flynn: Eugene.

What?

Flynn: Eugene Fitzherbert.

OK. where Rapunzel and...Eugene

are trapped in a cave that`s filling up with water is similar to the trash-compactor scene in Star wars: It`s the dark moment, the part of the movie where it seems like there is no way out and all hope is lost. I like this scene, not just because of the suspense but also because it is where they open up to and start getting to know each other. But because this not just a big-budget movie but a Disney movie, and no director wants to depress the audience (unless you`re Lars von Trier), we know that they`re gonna make it, we just don`t know how. In the campfire scene we get more time for character development. We already know Rapunzel`s backstory but this is the first time that Fly-... Eugene gets to hear it. We (and Rapunzel) also find out that Eugene was an orphan who took his name from a fictional character who was everything he wanted to be. Rapunzel`s inner conflict shows up here too, but this time with a downplayed, more serious tone and not comically exaggerated.

Eugene: And you`re still gonna go back?

Rapunzel: No! Yes. (covers her face) It`s complicated. I`m probably alone in this but to me Eugene`s name change feels like a reflection of the movie`s name change. Eugene changed his name to Flynn Rider because he thought it would sound cooler, like how the big suits at Disney changed the movie`s name from Rapunzel because they thought it would sound cooler.

Rapunzel: For the record, I like Eugene Fitzherbert much better than Flynn Rider. Not much to say about the reprise of Mother knows best except that we get to see the more Frollo-ish side of Gothel. Since the tenderness doesn`t work she now tries to make Rapunzel respect her through fear. I love the Kingdom dance scene. It`s like that scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel visits the town with Eric and for the first time gets to experience the world of humans. It`s a great example of visual storytelling, no dialogue is used or needed. Just like Ariel, Rapunzel gets to geek out and and explore this new world, try new things, new kinds of food and immerse herself in new books. I love the music in this scene. It has a nice medieval-ish feel to it, the kind of music you`d expect to hear in this world and time. Another interesting touch is that it starts out joyful but there`s a small ominous tone that grows bigger and louder as the music plays, as if forshadowing an impening doom.

This is followed by another really good scene: Rapunzel`s parents, another great example of visual storytelling where no dialogue is needed, the animation says it all.

Movie critic and comedian Doug Walker said in his review of this movie that the voice acting on Rapunzel and Eugene could have been better, not that the actors did a poor job, he was just always aware that there was a person behind a microphone. Personally I had no problem with Rapunzel`s and Eugene`s voice. Mandy Moore did a great job voicing Aerith in the first Kingdom Hearts game and I didn`t even know (at the time) it was her. I was aware that it was her before watching the movie, but while watching it I had no problem separating the voice from the celebrity and enjoying the movie. I didn`t even know who voiced Eugene, I looked it up and found that it was Zachary Levi, Chuck Bartowski from Chuck. He did his own singing too, I didn`t know he could sing. Is there anything that intersect can`t do?

I mention Doug Walker because what he felt about the original voice actors is what I felt about about the actors in the swedish-dubbed version. Måns Zelmerlöw (Eugene Fitzherbert) and Molly Sandèn (Rapunzel) were not bad, I just didn`t feel as invested with them as I was with the original version. Moore and Levi both have acting experience and their voices had a certain maturity. Sandèn and Zelmerlöw are both younger, singers and hasn`t had as much acting experience as Moore and Levi. (Sandèn`s experience in dubbing is, so far, limited to two Highschool Musical movies where she dubbed the songs.) The parts where they sing sound great though. Now, with that out of the way...I like "I see the light", don`t have much to say about it though, but more to say about the scene where it is sung. It is beautifully animated and directed. Eugene having prepared the two lanterns, one for each of them, shows that he is willing to go that little extra length for someone else, something the old Eugene (or Flynn) would not have done so easily, if at all. Another nice little detail in this scene is that the lantern that is about to sink into the water that Rapunzel pushes back up into the sky is her parents lantern.

How Maximus managed to get help from the Snugly Duckling thugs is not hard to imagine. Most likely scenario: He ran to the pub with one of Eugene`s wanted posters in his mouth and waved it in front of their faces.

Thug: What is it horse? Is the guy with the big freaky nose and his longhaired girlfriend in danger?

Maximus would nod and the thugs would huddle and start planning Eugene`s escape.

Is it a stretch that Rapunzel can remember things from when she was just a few days old? Maybe convenient but not unbelievable, Rapunzel was born under special circumstances after all. If she has healing hair why can`t she also have a super-memory and (from what I`ve read on the Disney wikia) super-strength? Seriously, she carries around a large amount of hair that no ordinary human would be able to carry as easily as she does. "But how was Gothel able to overpower her?"

one might wonder. I have a few theories.

A: Maybe she isn`t superstrong, maybe her hair is just very, very light.

B: She has some form of psychosomatic mental block that prevents her from overpowering Gothel.

C: Gothel, who managed to beat both the of Stabbington brothers, is really really good at fighting dirty. Wouldn`t surprise me if she used Rapunzel`s long hair to her advantage. Near the end of the movie Eugene dies but is brought back to life by a tear from Rapunzel. Typical Disney death, yes, but it makes sense, more sense than the original fairytale. In the original fairytale the prince got pushed out of the tower by Dame Gothel and landed in thorns below that damaged his eyes and blinded him. He later met Rapunzel who`s tears restored his sight. Unlike the movie it was never (to my knowledge at least) established before that moment that she had any form of healing powers, it just happened because of fairytale logic.So, does Rapunzel have healing tears now or was all her healing powers used up in that one tear? Don`t know, guess we`ll have to wait and see. I`m fine either way.The final scene where the kingdom celebrates Rapunzel`s return is... not bad or unnecessary, it`s just not as good as the previous scene where Rapunzel is reunited with her parents. It`s as if the filmmakers were afraid that their happy ending wasn`t happy enough. It`s the part where all the Snugly Duckling thugs had their dreams come true, for me it would have been enough to see them just partake in the festivities since we only heard them talk (or rather, sing) about their dreams but we never saw them struggle for them. Then again, not seeing them reach their goals that they sang about would feel like an unused chekov`s gun. I think the part with the Snugly Duckling thugs would have worked better without Eugene`s narration confirming that they all got exactly what they wanted, but I`m probably nitpicking here. Even if it was a typical Disney "Look! Everybody gets a happy ending!"-ending it was short and wasn`t bad.

And who doesn`t like a drunken, flirting dwarf in a diaper?

Sure, it has a few flaws but it`s one of my favourite movies.

That`s all I have for now but I`m not done yet. More thoughts on Tangled coming later. I thought that all of my thoughts on Tangled might be a little much to read if put into one editorial, so I decided to divide it into two.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#2yrsago Soupy Leaves Home: a masterpiece of YA graphic storytelling, about hobos on the open road

In Soupy Leaves Home, writer Cecil Castellucci and artist Jose Pimienta expand the borders of young adult graphic novels, telling a moving, inspiring tale of Depression-era hobos, identity, gender, suspicion, solidarity, and the complicated business of being true to yourself while living up to your obligations to others.

I write about Castelucci's work all the time, for good reason: the former punk star is also a beloved YA novelist, picture book creator, prolific comics creator, and even a librettist whose next opera is about hockey and features an actual, on-stage zamboni machine (I am not making this up).

But even in a career spanning so many modes, genres and forms, Soupy is a standout. It's the story of a young girl who, after a savage beating from her father and a victim-blaming from her grandmother, cuts her hair, puts on boys' clothes and takes to the rails with the hobos who crisscrossed America during the Great Depression.

Living as a boy, she befriends a kind and wise old hobo, Ramshackle, and christens herself Soupy, and begins to learn the ways of the open country and the fraternity of walkaway dropouts, who have their own courts, secret runic languages, folk music, social conventions, and lore.

Castellucci and Pimienti do wonderful work with this rich and textured history, showing us a representative sample that proves they know a lot more than they're carefull choosing to show off.

Against that backdrop, we have the adventures of Soupy and Ramshackle, who they both know to be mortally ill, though neither will speak of it (of course, that's not their only secret -- there's the matter of Soupy's true gender, name and history). The secrets loom up between them, even as they forge a friendship that goes beyond mutual aid and into a tender and profound caring.

Ramshackle is a wonderful character, an iconoclastic dreamer who can spin a hobo's luxury out of any hardship, make magic out of junk, dream of better worlds and bring them to life with his words. Under his tutelage, Soupy finds her own inner strength and comes of age.

As the pair move from hobo jungle to hobo jungle, they keep running into Professor, a scarred and ostracized hobo with a reputation for stealing, but who Ramshackle insists should be judged on his own merits, not on his reputation. The intertwined questions of Ramshackle and Soupy's secrets and the Professor's guilt or innocence are the engine of the story, and they bring it to such a sweet and satisfying conclusion that I finished the book with sad/happy tears in my eyes. What a fine thing this book is.

Soupy Leaves Home [Cecil Castellucci, Jose Pimienta and Nate Piekos/Dark Horse]

https://boingboing.net/2017/05/06/code-of-the-jungle.html

[francesfromdc]

My Transgendered Lifestyle -- Read My Blog!

Resolve right now to explore roads you haven't previously traveled. 😊 You might be pleasantly surprised and you might discover some new facets about yourself that you didn't know existed! And most of all, have fun and enjoy  starting with.... Reading my Tumblr Blog!

If you like compassion, tenderness, sensitivity--traditionally female virtues, then maybe the right guy for you is one whose feminine, creative, and artistic side is not locked up and concealed under a macho cover. Unconventional? Yes. Atypical? Extraordinary? Absolutely. But the type of girl or guy I'm looking for is, among many other things, unconventional, atypical, and extraordinary. I hope you’ll take the time to read my entire profile, which I admit is much longer than most. The seemingly endless commentary 😊 will give you more insight regarding my not so normal but very interesting, fun and low stress life. Many people who did not wish to express an interest in me have written me simply to say that they enjoyed reading my profile.

I'm a lover of fashion and arts, with a lifelong passion for cherishing, honoring, and embracing all aspects of feminine beauty. My favorite creative outlet is cross dressing and gender bending. I look at this as an art form and take it very seriously. I try to create a very authentic, classy and often glam look once or twice a month that's not over the top like the drag queens (not that there's anything wrong with being an over the top drag queen! 😊 I've impersonated Marilyn Monroe for several Halloweens and a few parties here and there, and I must say that it's about the most fun I've ever had. Other celebrity impersonations I've done were Audrey Hepburn, Madonna, Paris Hilton, Bettie Page, Natalie Portman as the Black Swan, Daryl Hannah as the evil nurse from Kill Bill, and Elsa the Ice Queen from "Frozen".

I'm searching for fun people who are creative, bold, confident and very special  who would appreciate and embrace the exciting and creative world of fashion, beauty, fitness, performing arts, role play, cosplay, pinup fashion, gender bending, and even (mild -- nothing hard core--I' m a sub)- S&M / B&D.

LGBTQBDSM -- If I'm looking for people who will accept me as I am, I certainly would would accept her lifestyle choices. Not many women would embrace this lifestyle--I realize this-- but I'm confident that there are some and within that group, I'm confident that there is one woman who's life I will enrich, and vice versa. I know she exists.   My ultimate goal is establishing a long-term, romance-filled, caring and life sharing relationship, keeping in mind that marriage and serious relationships involve work, and I'm ready and willing to expend the effort and receive the rich personal rewards and fulfillment that love and caring brings.

Although my unorthodox lifestyle is not always easy, it's never boring and I feel very fortunate to have the desire and physical attributes to honor and cherish women and femininity in a realistic, creative, tasteful, respectful, loving and non-intrusive manner. It's a part of me that has always existed. Prior attempts to change and conform to a more traditional lifestyle have not worked for me, and as such, I have fully accepted and truly enjoy my femme side which I now know will always be a part of me. I get a lot of questions like "Are you in femme mode 24/7?" So I'll answer that question early in the profile and say, no my "everyday look" is male. (But I often playfully note the difference between me in male mode and me in femme mode as "drab vs. fab" 😊.

As a male, I'm often mistaken for a much younger person, (and occasionally mistaken for a girl--woo hoo!!) which in my opinion, is due to my dedication to health and exercise, my slender body and lack of facial hair, creative and fun choices in fashion, and a youthful fun, and positive outlook on life. No boring baggy jeans "dockers" or Donald Trump Navy Blue Suit/ (ridiculously long) Red Tie for me, thank you!

I have lots of goals which can be pursued in male or femme modes, including... ...finding a (romantic or platonic) partner for Rollerblading and ice skating at the outdoor rinks--(a great exercise and AN ABSOLUTE MUST for the body, mood, and mental clarity!) my favorite ice rink is the Sculpture Garden at 7th & Constitution Ave. I've been skating the outdoor rinks heavily since 2016.

During the warmer months (April - November) I bump up the rollerblading and cut back on the ice skating, going to the indoor rink at Mount Vernon Recreation center or the Medstar (formerly known as Kettler) Iceplex in Ballston once or twice during the summer if that. I always look forward to the beautiful spring and summer days on my rollerblades with a return to the outdoor ice rinks in November. The beginning of spring -- with the cherry blossoms -- the mild air and the longer days, is my favorite time of year. I look at it as a reward for enduring the winter months!

I also would like to explore and cultivate more activities such as:

★First and foremost★ ---Vacations--(Key West, Italy, and Hawaii are just a few of the places on my list). I have not traveled for pleasure much, but doing more of this is one of my top goals. Over the years, I've traveled for business, but I usually found those trips to be boring. I'd welcome the opportunity to meet someone who is interested in vacationing more and would like a fun vacation partner, even if it's just on a platonic level. In July, 2016 I met up with a group of rollerbladers in Copenhagen for three days of Denmark city and rural skating -- my first visit to Denmark! I re-joined that group for four days in Seville (Spain) in the first week of October, 2017. What a lovely city and a very rewarding (although exhausting!) experience! And for 2018 --in early September I joined them for the third time in three years: ✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*° PARIS!´✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*° c'était merveilleux!!! August 4, 2019 update: In mid July, I spent a lovely week in Berlin with this wonderful group -- many friends and familiar faces, as well as some new friends! I'm looking forward to my next European trip -- probably during the summer or fall of 2020.

★ Ballroom dancing--I'm a complete novice, but I think it would be fun to try, and perhaps occasionally (with the right partner) experimenting with reversing the roles, with the girl -- the genetic girl that is --wearing a men's suit and leading! I also have three relatively new and strong dance passions: (1) "The Carolina Shag"  (2) Tap Dancing, and (3) Popping. When done with precision, The Shag is a joy to watch and I'm sure it's even more fun to perform. Watch these two Shaggers and you'll probably catch the Shag Fever too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l5pczCZw04

If you're a good dance instructor, I'd certainly be willing to pay you for lessons -- even if you're not interested in forming any type of personal relationship.

★ Movies and theater (here in the DC area, but also day and/or overnight trips to New York). I think this is an aesthetically stimulating activity, yet most of us seem to only do this sort of thing every now and then.

★ Al fresco dining -- beautiful weather and people watching in all parts of DC, Bethesda, Fells Point, Inner Harbor and many others. Warm summer nights enjoying dinner, the energy and enthusiasm at the Georgetown waterfront (Washington Harbor is as good as it gets! And after dinner, a leisurely stroll along the waterfront or through some of the more vibrant sections of town to me, is very romantic. And the brand new "Wharf" on the SW DC waterfront has a lot of promise! I often like to do something very different and get really dressed up (sometimes femme, sometimes homme) and enjoy a nice restaurant during the week when everyone else seems to be in "business attire" or casual mode.

★ Home improvement projects. I'm AWFUL at doing these things myself, but I'm confident that these skills can be learned and I think I'd get a lot more satisfaction from doing some projects myself, such as painting, trim/molding replacement and addition, tile installation. I think it would be interesting to find a woman who has these skills, and also a bit ironic me to learn from her while I give her advice about makeup and clothes/accessories!

A topic related to home improvement is automobile repair and maintenance. I own a wonderful older BMW, but things break and wear out. If you're good at automobile repair/maintenance, I'm always looking for someone who enjoys working on older cars. Many of the shops in my area take the easy way out and say, "we'd rather not work on a car this old -- too much trouble and limited parts availability".

★ I'd like to do something to help disadvantaged children or others who aren't as fortunate as myself. I'm open to any suggestions you may have, and if this is something you're involved in, I'd certainly be interested in joining you in doing some good things for others.

★ Horseback riding. I've been on and around horses about a dozen times over the years, which has given me only basic knowledge and skills. I'd like to get serious about it, making riding a regular part of my life. I know that owning a horse is A LOT of work, so if you own a horse, I would gladly help out with the chores.

★ I love water skiing, jet skiing, and surfing. My first time on water skis was when I was 14 years old, and after about one hour of using two skis, I was able to get up on one ski. I haven't been water skiing in many years, but one thing is certain -- I do not want to own a boat! It's just too much work and too many headaches. Many people know the expression, ..."the two happiest days of my life: The day I bought my boat, and the day I SOLD my boat!"... So not having access to a boat means I won't be doing much water skiing! And not living near a beach means that I won't be doing much surfing! So you might be wondering why I even mentioned these activities. I guess it's just something that provides a lot of enjoyment just thinking about it. And I love to watch the surfing documentaries and imagine myself on those 50+ foot waves on Hawaii's North Shore. I guess we all have things that we fantasize about!

I'll be happy to answer ANY questions you may have. I'm single, never married (but there's still hope for me!), no kids, creative, imaginative, and lots of fun. I own a wonderful townhouse in a vibrant location (almost free and clear!), I'm financially secure, and I try to lead a healthy, active, and relatively stress-free life. And if you've read this far and decided that this is just too much for you, well I certainly understand, but I hope what you just read provided a fun and interesting diversion to your day and perhaps gave you a reason to smile or the notion to pass this along to one of your friends who may be more inclined to embrace a multi-faceted, non-traditional relationship.

You are MORE THAN WELCOME to express an interest in becoming a platonic friend or an activity partner! And to suz, sko, sso, and t ...Thanks for dropping in! 😊 All the best to you in your search for your ideal match!

Oh good! You're still reading.😊 My career for the last 20 years has involved doing what I absolutely love. My work doesn't really seem like work to me and that's how I know that it's the right thing for me! I often think to myself, ..."wow, I can't believe I'm getting PAID for doing this!"

I’m especially good at:

★ Making people feel good about themselves. Recently the American Film Institute honored Jane Fonda. When she spoke, one of her comments was particularly thought provoking: "It's better to be interested than interesting". I have long realized that asking questions about others rather than bragging about oneself works best and feels right for me.

★ Reflexology, which I will gladly provide on a regular basis for someone near and dear to me. If you wear heels a lot, you will love the soothing and stress reducing aspects of this wonderful type of massage.

★ Rollerblading and Ice Skating -- I love and thrive on the exercise that these invigorating activities provide. I am thankful that I have an outlet for exercise that doesn't really seem like exercise. Plus no health club dues, golf green fees, or other significant costs associated with many exercise and recreational routines! I think I'd get bored with running or riding the stationary bike, or walking the treadmill. And if I'm bored with it, I would most likely limit the activity or even give it up.

★ Thinking, feeling, and dressing in a youthful, energetic, creative, and fun way. I am enamored with Betsey Johnson -- the 73 year old fashion designer who to me, is the epitome of a youthful, creative, energetic and fun mindset! She is known to do a cartwheel on stage at the end of her fashion shows! Another older person who had tons of energy and refused to fade away was Elaine Stritch, the Broadway actress and singer. There's a wonderful documentary about her called "Elaine Stritch: Shoot Me". At the other end of the spectrum, my next door neighbor for example -- who is just a few years older than me -- usually wears faded and worn shorts, a dingy white t-shirt, black socks and wing tip shoes, and seems to have a constant scowl on his face. Really? Black socks and wing tip shoes with shorts?? If he's going for the "frumpy old man look", he's got it down pat!

★ The Sunday Washington Post crossword puzzle-- I consistently get 95-100% of the answers. I'm always amazed at how I might feel I am totally stumped, but come back the next day to easily get more answers right. I've heard that regular crossword puzzle activity is good for Alzheimer's prevention.

★ I  make awesome Espresso! I've tried them all, but the one I keep going back to is "Cafe Bustello". Oh yes, and did I mention I'm good with makeup and femme fashions?

★ The first thing people notice about me is healthy smooth, radiant and glowing skin which has almost no facial hair.

Movies give me a lot of enjoyment. I have a wide range of interests including TCM, and in particular movies by Alfred Hitchcock, David Lynch, Quentin Tarrantino, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, and Stanley Kubrick to name a few. I have recently become familiar with the work of a French director Catherine Breillat. Her films have over the years sparked a lot of controversy, mainly due to her blunt and objective handling of sexual themes.

Are there any movies that make you cry every time you see them? The first time I saw "The Kite Runner" I cried. The second time I saw it, I wanted to see if it had the same effect, and yes it did. And even the third time I saw it, I cried. This kind of emotional release is very therapeutic! There have been other movies over the years that have made me cry, but a box of Kleenex is always needed for a viewing of "The Kite Runner". I'd be interested in hearing about any movies that have a similar effect on you.

I can rely on "Cinema Paradiso", the 1990 Oscar winning Italian film, to produce a strong emotional response.

The Oscar nominated 1985 Swedish film, "My Life As a Dog" is also very touching and poignant.

Another example, and another Oscar winner, is "Dances With Wolves". One of the final scenes, in which "Wind In His Hair" shouts down at "Dances With Wolves" from a ridge high above: ...."I am Wind in His Hair! Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that I will always be your friend?"

"Manchester By the Sea" starring Casey Affleck (2017 Oscar Winner for Best Actor). If that movie doesn't move you, I really can't imagine what would!

The ending of "To Sir With Love" -- Sydney Poitier as Mr. Thakeray (aka Sir) accepting his gift from his students: ..."well ... I think I better go and put it away"... Gets to me every time!

And speaking of Sydney Poitier, I recently saw "A Raisin in the Sun" (1961) in its entirety. I've seen bits and pieces, but oddly-- had not seen the whole movie. I'm amazed that Sydney wasn't nominated for an Oscar in this role. And I now am very eager to see the play!

In 2018, I saw two Japanese movies on a flight that brought me to tears. Perhaps it was the travel exhaustion that brought it on, but there I was, sitting quietly with a river of tears flowing on my face. The first one was called, "The Lies She Loved", and the second one which REALLY got to me, was called "Color Me True".

Over thirty years ago, I saw a movie directed by Steven Spielberg called "Empire of the Sun" which starred a 13 year old unknown actor named Christian Bale.  Of course, most of us movie lovers know that CB is now a mega star. I was fortunate enough to see it again recently, now with high definition and surround sound!  The story is set in the early 1940's.  A privileged English boy (Bale) is living in Shanghai when the Japanese invade and force all foreigners into prison camps.  I was surprised to see that the reviews -- even the great Roger Ebert, gave this film a lukewarm review.  But I loved it, and cried a river of tears!

I occasionally enjoy movies that are very poorly written, directed and acted. You know, movies that are so bad they are good! Many of us know about Ed Wood -- probably the most famous of the bad movie directors-- "the worst of the worst!" I recently discovered a director named Bert I. Gordon who specialized in really bad sci-fi movies. What makes these movies even funnier is the fact that they were intended to be serious drama. The special effects were hilarious and very low budget, the acting was stiff, and the plots lacked any kind of structure and logic. Gordon's "Attack of the Puppet People" (1958) is delightfully bad! In this movie, a mad scientist/doll maker shrinks people so they can be his puppets!¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫And... "Queen of Outer Space" (1958) starring Zsa Zsa Gabor. No additional explanation is necessary for this one! And extremely bad movies aren't limited to the 50's.

After recently seeing "The Disaster Artist" (2017), it appears that Ed Wood has some serious competition for worst director and worst movie of all time. His name is Tommy Wiseau and his movie from 2003 titled, "The Room" is a perfect example of film making at its worst. You can learn all about this delightfully bad monstrosity by watching The Disaster Artist which is by the way, an excellent movie about the making of an awful movie. Don't miss it!

I prefer film noir and drama over comedy, sci-fi, and rom-com, but I really can't think of a genre that hasn't provided me with some enjoyment. I think I've seen every "Twilight Zone" episode --the original ones with Rod Serling--multiple times. I always enjoy the SciFi Channel's New Year's Day Twilight Zone Marathon! If you have a favorite TZ episode, I'd be interested in hearing about it. Three of my favorites are "What You Need", "Eye of the Beholder", "To Serve Man" (IT'S A COOKBOOK!!! 😊), and "Twenty-Two" ("Room for one more, Honey!)

Musicals: Chicago, Rocky Horror, Hair Spray, The Producers, West Side Story, and Frozen. "The Fabulous Baker Boys", while not really a musical, features one of my favorite and most sensual performances ever: Michelle Pfeiffer singing "Making Whoopee" while lounging on top of Jeff Bridges' piano in a slinky red dress. I know that Jeff Bridges wasn't really playing the piano, but they did such a good job making it look as though he was actually playing. And note how Michelle steps down off the piano to sit next to Jeff -- stepping on a very thin ledge while wearing very high heels. How did she do that?

Everyone knows and loves the dancing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, including myself. But the often overlooked solo performances from Ginger are amazing. One in particular was from a 1942 movie called "Roxie Hart" which, by the way was the inspiration for the musical, "Chicago". In "Roxie Hart", Ginger does sort of a tap dance going up these metal stairs and she just makes it look so effortless. I also love the quote (it's origin is not exactly clear), ..."Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and wearing high heels!"

Other vintage female dancers who mesmerize me are Vera Ellen, Cyd Charisse, Debbie Reynolds, Rita Moreno, Leslie Caron, Ann Miller, and Mitzi Gaynor. And probably the most entertaining dance sequence I've ever seen on film (oddly enough performed by a man--go figure!) is Donald O'Connor doing "Make Them Laugh" in the movie, "Singing In the Rain" ====>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO-FXFfhsEc

The 2011 Oscar winning film, "The Artist" has an amazing dance sequence at the end featuring the ultra charming Berenice Bejo as "Peppy Miller"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2nNmU5v8zM

Occasionally I'll see a movie for the first time even though it was made decades ago One such example -- an amazing movie-- is "Reflections in a Golden Eye" (1967). I can't believe I missed seeing it all these years. Well, without giving too much of the plot away, it's set in the late 1940's and centers around an army Major's (Marlon Brando) latent homosexuality. And because it was the 1940's the major's sexuality is revealed only with subtle clues. His wife is played by one of the greatest actresses that ever lived -- Elizabeth Taylor. In one scene, an army Colonel (Brian Keith) comments that the army could have "made a man" out of his effeminate domestic worker and that he would have been a "better person" if he acted "normally". The major (Brando) then comments (in his typical Brando vocal style), and I'm paraphrasing some of it:

"So what you're saying is, that any FULFILLMENT obtained at the EXPENSE OF NORMALCY is wrong, and should NOT be allowed to bring happiness. In short, it is better, because it is MORALLY HONORABLE, for the SQUARE PEG to keep scraping about the round hole rather than to DISCOVER AND USE the unorthodox square that would fit it’ The Colonel replies, Why, you put it exactly right. ‘Don’t you agree with me?’ Brando's character: "No" (I think this is a significant and poignant anti-hate /pro tolerance message, especially for a film made in 1967)

✫I recently saw for the first time, a movie made in 1965 which was an adaption of a play from 1962 called "A Thousand Clowns" starring Jason Robards. His character (Murray) is an eccentric comedy writer who is pressured to conform to society in order to retain custody of his 12 year old nephew.

An example of his eccentricity -- here Murray is leaning out of his window, very early before most people are awake. He yells: “This is your neighbor speaking! I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that something must be done about your garbage cans in the alley here. [raises voice even louder] It is definitely second-rate garbage. Now, by next week I want to see a better class of garbage: more empty champagne bottles and caviar cans! I'm sure you're all behind me on this. So let's snap it up and get on the ball!”

Another great quote from 1,000 Clowns:

“Five months ago I was on the subway on my way to work, was sitting on the express same as every morning looking out the window watching the local stops go by in the dark with an empty head and my arms folded, not feeling great, not feeling rotten, just not feeling. And for a minute I couldn't remember, I didn't know, unless I really concentrated, whether it was a Tuesday or a Thursday or a... for a minute it could have been any day. I gotta know what day it is. I gotta know what's the name of the game and what the rules are without anyone else telling me. You gotta own your own days and name 'em, each one of 'em, every one of 'em, or else the years go right by and none of them belong to you. And that ain't just for weekends, kiddo.”

I am a big fan of anything written by Tennessee Williams... including a recent discovery -- a 1962 film based on Tennessee Williams' play "Period of Adjustment". This gem of a movie starred a very young, sweet, and feminine Jane Fonda! Delightful! I loved the movie before I even knew it was written by T. Williams! My favorite TW plays: Hey, why list them? I love them all!

And I'm starting to have a huge appreciation for the works of Ingmar Bergman. I was recently fascinated by his 1960 film, "The Virgin Spring".

Sergio Leone's "Man With No Name Trilogy" starring Clint Eastwood:

........."A Fistful of Dollars" (1964) ........."For a Few Dollars More" (1965) ........."The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" (1966)

All three released in the U.S. in 1967

The critically acclaimed "The Danish Girl" (2015) had a very strong impact on me.

August 4, 2019 Update: I can't believe I omitted one of the best movies I've ever seen: From 1957, "Twelve Angry Men". 95% of this movie is set in a small, hot jury room with no air conditioning. They are all trying to reach a verdict in a murder trial. A brilliant film with lots of big names in the cast, this movie received a very rare 100% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer. It has also been performed on stage, although I haven't seen the play. Hopefully, I'll get to see it one day soon.

Oddly, I had never seen "Gone With the Wind" in it's entirety until July 2019. Many consider this one of the best movies of all time. My opinion: Yes, I liked it but it doesn't make my top ten list.

Nancy Kwan--the beautiful Eurasian actress who made a big splash in the early 1960's with "The World of Suzy Wong" and "Flower Drum Song"-- mesmerized me when I was about 12 years old, and continues to mesmerize me to this day. Oh, the way she wore those beautiful silk Chinese Dresses -- I now know that those dresses are called "cheongsams". So if you are Asian, Asian American, or of any other heritage and you like to wear the cheongsam, please "go to the front of the line"--you will mesmerize me just as Nancy has done for all these years and have me eating out of the palm of your hand 😊. Nancy was exquisite in her performance of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" and I'm sure you will enjoy this wonderful number:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JigBfoDtzY

I have been a regular SNL (Saturday Night Live) viewer since day one (1975). In 1982 I bought my fist VCR (remember VCR's? :-) solely for the purpose of recording SNL. It's hard to believe that a "great deal" on a VCR in those days was $549 -- which is what I paid for a VCR that could only be programmed to record one show. And it had a WIRED remote. Today, if you can even FIND a VCR for sale new, it would cost you around $19.95

Music: I have a large and eclectic collection on my smart-phone. I'd be happy to send you a list of those songs to give you an idea of the music I like to listen to. One thought that seems to come up regularly is how certain bands kind of "Jump the Shark". Bands that were in my opinion, once really good but in an effort to become more mainstream, they lose what once made them stand out.

When I listen to some of the early songs of the band "Chicago" or as they were originally referred to, "The Chicago Transit Authority" circa 1968-71) I can't believe how much better they were when compared to the mid 1970's and beyond Chicago. The later version just got kind of sappy and boring whereas the earlier stuff just had more grit and edge. For example, compare "25 or 6 to Four" and "I'm a Man" (the long versions) to "Saturday In the Park" or "If you Leave Me Now".

Similarly, the Doobie Brothers lost their edge when Michael McDonald came in and, in my opinion ruined them!

Rod Stewart underwent a ridiculous (and sad) transformation when he started singing songs from the 1930's and 1940's. Really? Rod Stewart, the rocker? Singing "It Had to Be You" ??! I don't think Mick Jagger would ever sink this low! Just my humble opinion though. Feel free to disagree!

I'm not a huge fan of "The Grateful Dead" -- I like them I suppose in small doses. But one thing about "The Dead" as their big fans call them, is that they never "sold out" by trying to appeal to the masses and altering their style. I really respect that about this group.

Occasionally I make huge errors in assessing new talent. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but regarding the singers Sheryl Crow and Taylor Swift, I remember when they first started, my thoughts were that they were just a "flash in the pan" and couldn't possibly have any long term success and significance in the music world.

Wow, did I blow the call on those two. They are now very high on my list of singers/songwriters and I couldn't have been more wrong about them.

Conversely, for some newcomers I predict huge things and they end up just being mediocre or their shelf life expires very rapidly. When "Jewel" first arrived on the scene, I fell in love with her work, and yes she did have some early success, but she never became a mega-star.

Fiona Apple was (and continues to be) an extremely talented singer/songwriter and I was infatuated with her from the start, but (maybe by her own choice?), she has stayed out of the limelight and never hit the heights that I predicted for her.

Sports: My interest in sports over the years has fluctuated. There was a time when I wasn't even aware of who was playing in the Super Bowl or World Series. During the past ten years though, I've returned to watching sports and I attribute this entirely to the DVR. Watching sports that are not recorded or delayed is so tedious with all the commercials. and down time. When I record them I watch only what I want to watch, zipping through the commercials and other non essential airtime.

Which sports? Football (college is better than pro!), Baseball (usually just the post season playoffs though), Basketball (March Madness NCAA Tournament only -- I'm slowly warming up to NBA Basketball), Ice Hockey (my interest grows as the Stanley Cup Playoffs start-- and YES!! THE CAPS WON THE 2018 STANLEY CUP FOR THE FIST TIME IN THEIR 44 YEAR EXISTENCE!!), and Horse Racing -- only during May and June when the Triple Crown Races are held. I love women's figure skating--these girls are awesome!

And I WISH we had professional women's fast pitch softball. A few years ago, they tried to form a professional women's' softball league, but it folded, due to lack of support by the public. It's a shame, because these girls are so talented, and in many ways their game takes more skill than professional baseball. And to add insult to injury, women's' softball was discontinued from the Summer Olympics, presumably due to the U.S. Team's domination of the sport. BUT... I understand they're bringing Softball BACK TO THE OLYMPICS!! And I'm sure the U.S. will put a spectacular team together for Tokyo 2020!! Can't wait!

The National Spelling Bee! On ESPN! Yes, spelling is now a televised sport!

And finally, the annual Nathan's annual Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest (although many would not consider competitive eating a sport! 😊) On the 4th of July 2018 once again, Joey Chestnut ruled! He ate 74 HDB (that's hot dog and bun for all you competitive eating neophytes) in ten minutes to beat his previous record of 72 and win the 2018 contest easily---leaving his 17 competitors in a cloud of dust!

I often think about...

Personal Goals such as:

★Traveling and vacationing more, either with that special someone or with one or more platonic friends. I've taken several vacations by myself and and have come to realize that vacationing alone is not for me.

★Relocating to a warmer climate after nearly 30 years in DC. The winter of 2014-15) was particularly harsh and made me give the idea of relocating a lot more thought. The winter of 2015-16 has been unusually warm, but as I write this update (January 23,. 2016) there is about 15 inches of snow on the ground with a good chance of about 10 more inches by the day's end. And as I write THIS update (July 14, 2016), we're expecting temperatures in the mid 90's with a heat index of 104. Where would I want to move? Maybe MIAMI, Florida (SoFi --South of 5th South Beach), KEY WEST, NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana, HILTON HEAD South Carolina, SAN ANTONIO; AUSTIN, Texas, PHOENIX, Arizona, SAN DIEGO; LOS ANGELES /SANTA MONICA, California, or HONOLULU, Hawaii to name a few. I'd like to make some good friends from these cities and through them, get to know what it would be like to live there. I would welcome the opportunity to meet someone who may not be interested in me romantically, but has a similar desire to relocate to a warmer climate. Kind of a platonic partnership with the goal of starting a new, exciting and adventuresome chapter in life, in another part of the country. I think a move like this is much less traumatic, less anxiety inducing, and more fun if there are two of us facing similar challenges -- and there will no doubt be challenges! I'd even consider a move to another country. At this stage in my life, now is not the time to be skittish!

★Enhancing my circle of friends and acquaintances.

★Enriching my life and that of others' through volunteering and more acts of kindness.

★Rollerblading and ice skating. Although I'm much more comfortable and proficient on hockey skates, I have a fascination with "Ice Dancing" and have always fantasized about gliding effortlessly across the ice with a beautiful female skater. In ice dancing and ballroom dancing, "the man is the frame, and the woman is the picture"... meaning that it's the man's job to showcase the beauty and elegance of the woman. I realize that this ice dancing notion will probably will remain just a fantasy, but I do have figure skates and would love to sharpen them up and partner with a woman who also likes ice dancing, even if it is at the most basic level.

★ I also want to swim with dolphins, and as a result of *finally* seeing "Lawrence of Arabia" in it's entirety, I'd like to ride a camel! Also, I can't imagine life being complete without at least once seeing the live Mermaid show at Weeki Wachee Springs, FL😊 ===>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZymMONi1XA

★Being more active in striking up conversations with people I encounter. I've found that people in the DC area are generally hesitant or uninterested in chatting with someone they don't know, or someone that they perceive to have no value in the furtherance of their professional or personal goals. As such, I have over the years and for the most part, avoided initiating conversations with people I don't know. I've decided to be more outgoing in this area, recognizing that only a few will respond favorably, and not worrying about the "rejections". I also think about...

★I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this, but relationships involve: A LOT OF WORK (better to realize this late than never!). There are rich rewards, but unless one is willing to (a) admit that there's hard work involved, and (b) actually do the work when it becomes necessary, the relationship is likely to fail. I think one of the main reasons I've remained single for so long is that I had this fantasy notion that successful relationships were all wine and roses, and when things went wrong, I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't working and decided to end it. How twisted is that logic?! The bliss of a new relationship fades pretty quickly, and that's when working at the relationship comes into play. Think of a garden or lawn that has not had any special attention -- no watering, no fertilizer, no nothing. It wouldn't be lush and green, nor would it have beautiful, colorful flowers. Take that same garden or lawn... water it, feed it, weed it, trim it, mow it... and the result is a beautiful sight. ~But it took a lot of work~! If I ever enter another serious relationship, it will be with the clear understanding that the real rewards come with overcoming obstacles and resolving conflict while remaining 100% committed to the relationship. But in keeping with the theme of this profile -- total honesty --after living single for all these years, it will be a hell of an adjustment to live with someone else. Hopefully, patience, love and acceptance will prevail and the gradual adjustment to a new (and exciting!) lifestyle will occur. And I REFUSE to enter a relationship that is without extreme effort or care.

★Have you ever heard of people who are married but live in different cities? That kind of arrangement for some reason intrigues me. The couple has the benefits of marriage but they enjoy freedom and independence when they're not together. And the potential for little squabbles is diminished because they're not constantly together. Obviously, this is not for most people, but given the right couple and the right circumstances it could result in a very diverse and fulfilling lifestyle. Plus it would make the time spent together more special, and they would have the benefit of enjoying two cities on a regular basis. So if you know a couple who has this kind of lifestyle, or if this is something that you think about, I'd love to have a discussion on this subject.

A variation of the "married but live in different cities" could be a partnering with little or no romance or intimacy -- basically roommates, but with a deep caring and commitment to enrich each others' lives. Best friends to give each other emotional support, without the trappings of traditional marriage. Independence and freedom from always having to answer to each other -- i.e. "Where are you going?" "When will you be back?" "Who were you with?" I really don't know how or even if this could work, but my gut feeling tells me that it could indeed work. And although I wouldn't count on this happening, it is entirely possible that the emotional support and caring could actually grow into a love that would be stronger than if it were to have begun in the traditional manner. I would have to give this type of arrangement a lot of thought, but with the right person, it could be a very rewarding and broadening experience.

There is another huge benefit of this arrangement, and I'm wondering why more people don't take advantage of it. It goes something like this: You are comfortable financially like me. You own your home -- a nice home, but nothing extravagant or opulent. Let's say we both own homes worth about $500,000. Being a couple -- either a traditional couple or a non-traditional couple (see previous paragraph) would effectively allow us to live in a home worth $1,000,000. Granted, in today's real estate market a million dollar home to some people would be low end, but to someone who has a history of living in a modest home, that kind of arrangement would allow a couple to live their later years (let's face it, it's coming whether we want it to or not) in a location and style that is a definite step up. I'm thinking Georgetown or Old Town, perhaps with a river view. Maybe this is just fantasy, but I really think it could improve our lives significantly. Again, if you have any thoughts on this, I’d like to hear them.  Even if you think this is an insane idea fraught with problems, which it very well could be.

★ This one, well it's kind of scary and depressing. I think many (over age 50) single people struggle with the anxiety of being old -- really old-- and having no one. I try not to think about this one too much, but the fact remains that being old is difficult even with that special someone. Being old and all alone is frightening. This shouldn't be the only reason for wanting a significant other, but as time goes on, it becomes more important and is definitely something to think about.

January, 2019 update: More and more, I've thought about finding a significant other for the sole purpose of having a support partner for the golden years. Romance and intimacy wouldn't be necessary -- just good friends who care about each other provide comfort and companionship. And although I STILL have not made a Will, I would like to have that special someone to inherit my estate, which is by no means extremely large, but is not a pittance either. I make this comment with the full realization that anyone with ill intentions who has seen an Alfred Hitchcock movie or tv show, may try to form a relationship, get me to name them as beneficiary, and proceed to knock me on the head with a frozen leg of lamb (great episode -- "Lamb to the Slaughter", 1958 --find it on YouTube if you haven't seen it!), thus reaping the financial rewards as a "grieving" widow or significant other. :-) Other cinematic ideas for knocking off a "loved one" -- "Double Indemnity" (1944), "The Postman Always Rings Twice" (1946), "Dial M for Murder" (1954), "Vertigo" (1958) and "A Place in the Sun" (1951). :-) But remember, none of the murderers got away with it! :-)

★I don't know if it's just me or if this happens to a lot of people: The older I get, the more thoughts of occurrences from the past just pop into my head -- completely unexpected and seemingly without any type of trigger. And the unsettling aspect of this is that these thoughts of past events involve me in a situation that I mishandled in some way, and make me respond..."what were you thinking??" Often it's something that I did, but shouldn't have done....something I said that I shouldn't have said... or, something I didn't say but should have, or something I didn't do, but should have. Is this our way of reminding us that we have matured and our stupid and reckless ways of the past are now behind us?

These thoughts always focus on things I'd like to take back and have a "do over" or in the golfing vernacular, a "mulligan". And what's interesting is that I never get random thoughts about things I did well or things that I'm proud of. So I'm asking you... does this happen to you? Or if you're familiar with this type of thing, is it something that all of us (or most of us) experience? I'd be very interested in knowing more about this.

★How I've never really embraced hanging out with the guys. Recently, after a vigorous workout on my blades, I stopped at one of Old Town's riverside parks. I found a vacant picnic table, under a tree, with a cool breeze and a lovely view of the Potomac River, the Wilson Bridge, and the new Capitol Wheel across the river at National Harbor. What could be more relaxing and serene? Well, about five minutes after I settled in, here come four men in their 40's, 50's and maybe 60's... all standing around about to do some, I don't know... male bonding? Guy stuff? And then, not one, not two, not three, but all four.... light up these big fat smelly cigars and my blissful, relaxing scene is ruined. Well, I did get about five minutes sheer joy, but it left me thinking... "would I like to be one of those guys... standing around with their guts protruding over their belts of their khaki pants...smoking cigars? I also thought about their poor wives and/or girlfriends who would have to endure the foul, lingering odor of a cigar. I can't even imagine getting the slightest enjoyment from being part of that group. Of course, this is no great revelation-- I've never gotten warm and fuzzy feelings bonding with guys, and this is just one of the many things that reinforce the notion that I'm very different from most guys.

Hanging out with the girls is more exciting and invigorating, providing better quality, more supportive conversation in an "odor free" location! Well, this musing could go on and on, but the point I want to make (and I'm sure you've figured it out by now if you've read this far!) is that I'm not like most guys.

★Even though I generally speak of being attracted to women, a lot of people ask if I'm gay-- a fair and logical question. I've often wondered if I'm really gay and just refuse to admit this to myself. Then I think, hey, if I'm really gay, wouldn't I have *at least once* tried, or experimented with intimate relations with a man? The answer of course is no, I have not -- because it's something that just doesn't interest me. I think my brain is just hard-wired to be attracted to, surrounded by,  and infatuated by, feminine beauty. I have, over the years had a number of male admirers who have tried to persuade me to be their girlfriend, but it's very clear to me that women offer so much more mental and physical stimulation.

Now, having said all that, I do find it interesting and exciting to have a girls night out -- with one or more genetic girls-- and have interested guys buy us drinks, hit on us, and to be one of the girls talking about how hot this guy or how wonderful the new guy that they're dating is. Women receiving the attention of men, in my opinion, enhances feminine feelings.   I know--I know...this has all the earmarks of a gay mindset, but when it really comes down to being intimate with a man, reality sets in and there is no interest.

★I see guys wearing pink shirts all the time. I also see a lot of pink ties. Apparently, pink shirts and ties are ok for guys, but pink pants? I've got these great American Apparel Riding Pants that are, pink (actually, more of a coral), but wow you wouldn't believe the looks I get. Occasionally, I'll even see looks of disgust while shaking their head as if they're saying no. Often I'll see people just staring at my pants -- in line at the grocery store, at the airport, anywhere. One girl recently, in a kind of mocking tone said, "I like your leggings". And my response was, "why should girls have all the fun?!😊" The more I wear them, the more I'm amused at people's reactions, yet the guy in the pink shirt and pink tie with one or more earrings doesn't even get noticed. By the way, the American Apparel riding pants are the most comfortable pants I have ever worn, and I highly recommend that you give them a try. I have them in black, khaki, grey, safari brown, purple, yellow, navy, and --gasp!-- pink! Just google American Apparel Riding pants. American Apparel discontinued them recently (why I don't know because they were wildly popular!) and I've picked up a few new or lightly used pairs on ebay. AA also makes what they call "Disco Pants"-- super stretchy, and form fitting and so comfortable! Just google "American Apparel Riding Pants" or "American Apparel Disco Pants" and you'll see some wonderful pictures. I think they look great on all women XXS to XL.

Many of my other pants are very skinny, stretchy, and feature fun prints and colors -- very comfortable! I often wonder why "the norm" for guys includes pants that lack any distinctive or interesting characteristics, i.e. boring, dull, and frumpy -- as described in the State Farm Commercial featuring one of the Coneheads (Beldar) explaining to his wife (Prymaat) what khakis are: "khakis : a dull earthly garment covering male extremities". 😊 By the way, who determines what's acceptable fashion and what's not? During Breast Cancer awareness month, it's ok for men to wear pink, especially in the NFL where tough macho guys are wearing pink socks, wristbands, and even shoes. So it's SOMETIMES ok for a man to wear pink. Also, you'll occasionally see some bright and colorful pants on the golf course---there is a company called "Loudmouth Golf" that makes some really cool pants, and they're quite popular---BUT ONLY ON THE GOLF COURSE. On the golf course they're ok, but wear them to the movies or the grocery store and be ready for those puzzled, surprised, and sometimes disgusted looks from others.

In earlier times, if a man wore earrings, he would be ridiculed and presumed gay. At some point though, it became ok for a man to wear earrings and now they don't get a second look. Even Jim Vance, the NBC 4 Newsguy who I really admired and respected, wore an earring when he delivered the news. Sadly, Jim passed away on July 22, 2017.

Another example would be women and tattoos. Not too long ago, if a woman had a tattoo, she was considered to be "trailer trash" or "from the wrong side of the tracks". Then it became not only ok, but extremely fashionable to have a tattoo or multiple tattoos. What brought about the change? I suppose all it takes is a celebrity such as Angelina Jolie (tattoos) and Madonna (wearing lingerie as outer wear). But I guess it's going to take more time before Lady Gaga's dress made from meat??! gains a foothold! :-)

If you follow "baseball cap fashion", you'll know that the "flat bill" has become more popular than the traditional "curved bill". In earlier times, if someone wore a flat bill, they were immediately considered uncool and nerdy. Then, I don't know, someone famous -- I believe a rapper like "50 cent" wore his flat billed cap, and it soon became cool and street-wise to wear it that way. The curved bill became popular in the first place as a more effective way of protecting ones eyes from the glare of the sun, but now it's only used by those who cling to the old school ways. In fact, I was in a baseball cap store in Georgetown recently and I saw nothing but flat bills. I asked the guy working there if they had curved bills and he pulled out a few small boxes, opened them up and showed them to me. They weren't even on display!

And remember polo shirts in the 80's? Someone somewhere decided that he/she would turn the collar up, (maybe to protect the neck from the sun) and a new trend started. That style has faded, but occasionally you see older people wearing their polo shirts with upturned collars (maybe they think it's still in style!), and even some younger ones who are going for that retro-look.

Pantyhose vs. bare legs? Same thing -- you used to never see bare legs, now that's pretty much all you see, especially on the west coast. Well, the list goes on and on, but my point is that I have no desire to follow any kind of "acceptable" fashion guidelines, although I think it's interesting how some things become "appropriate" and others remain "inappropriate".

★One of the things that I've noticed over my years of "people watching", is that most girls do not know how to walk in heels. I think it's so beautiful to see a poised and confident woman, gracefully and sensuously walking in a sexy and elegant pair of heels. Unfortunately, this sight is so uncommon that when I do see it, I'm totally mesmerized. I know a former professional ballet dancer who, when walking in heels, is so confident and so graceful, that she never fails to turn heads. If there ever was a fitting real life example of "poetry in motion", this girl when walking in heels, regardless of the height -- 2" or 5" -- would be it. There are of course, varying degrees of walking in heels the wrong way. Some make me think that only a few small adjustments are necessary, while others are embarrassingly awkward and need a lot of help. I often wonder if women as a general rule, do the homework necessary to learn what it takes to walk in heels, and practice those techniques to perfect their walk. My guess is that most do not.

In reality though, I am by no means one of those perfect walkers, and I could benefit from some practice myself. When I do see one of those rare, elegant walkers, I make mental notes and try to incorporate their techniques into my walk. It's amazing what just a little work in this area does for poise, confidence, and allure. Maybe you'd like to get together (as platonic friends if you're not interested in a serious relationship) for some high heel practice sessions!

The designer John Galliano once said, "Style is wearing an evening dress to McDonald's, wearing heels to play football. It is personality, confidence and seduction." And a quote from Sophia Loren😍: "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." I believe there's a lot to these statements. This is why so many girls who may not have those drop dead gorgeous looks come across as sexy and desirable--they have CONFIDENCE, POISE and STYLE!

So come on girls-- (head held high, shoulders back!) go online and watch some YouTube videos about the proper way to walk in heels, develop some subtle but mesmerizing body language, and most of all, be aware of your walk, know the effect it has on people, and work at it to continuously improve! The increased confidence and poise will benefit your love life, your health and flexibility, and your professional life.

★I've visited many "erotic websites" featuring beautiful and sexy women (any man who says he hasn't done this is lying!). One thing I've noticed, is that many of the models pose for the pictures using a facial expression that is supposed to be sexy. The best way to describe this is that they look like they are either in pain, bored, angry, or uncomfortable. You know that look--head held back, mouth slightly open, eyes halfway closed. I don't know whether the photographer tells them to look sexy and this is the expression they use-- or the photographer describes the exact look he/she wants. Or some of the models might have this blank, mannequin like stare. To me, these expressions are not nearly as sexy as a woman posing for a picture with a nice, natural smile. These smiling girls are sending the message to the viewer that they are confident, warm, and fun.

Confidence, warmth, and fun are VERY sexy! And if they are not smiling, they are looking into the camera again, exuding confidence and self assuredness and basically saying "I know I'm beautiful, sexy and intelligent, and I love being a woman". And even though I love to watch fashion shows (Remember CNN's "Style" with Elsa Klensch? My Saturday morning wasn't complete without watching it!), the models usually had this bored, blank look on their face as they walked the runway. I would be thrilled if these fashion shows all featured models who smiled and looked like they were having fun!  But maybe there is a reason for the fashion models to have that bored look. Perhaps the designer is saying, "I don't want people to look at the models face, I want them to look at the clothes!" That may be true, but a smiling, fun loving and playful model makes an outfit much more beautiful and sends the message, "wear this ensemble and you'll be fun and beautiful too!"

But back to the erotic website models-- I don't know, maybe they've done some type of study and the results show that most men find that painful, angry, or bored look to be sexy. And if that's the case, my preferences are just further proof that I'm not like most men!

★ Speaking of posing for a photograph, and at the risk of offending many people, I have to say that taking a picture of oneself (a selfie), while standing in front of a mirror awkwardly holding a cell phone is not very natural or attractive. I know, lots of people do it, but to me, this sends a message of, "I have no friends to take a picture of me, or I have no activities to engage in while being photographed, so I'll just stand in my bathroom and take a picture of myself." Part of what makes a good picture is the feeling that the subject is enjoying himself/herself. How fun can standing there by oneself be? And again, I'm probably offending many, but the ultimate mistake is using one of these pictures for a *profile picture!*

Surely there are events and activities at which to be photographed, and surely there are friends, relatives, co-workers, or even strangers who will gladly take your picture if you ask (and stop calling me Shirley!) :-).....June 4, 2017 update: Wow, I've gotten a lot of messages expressing strong disagreement with my views on this subject. But I'm holding firm on my position that selfies are less attractive and less fun than traditional posed photos.

★Most people have at least one or two hobbies. The obvious benefits are stress reduction and numerous other health benefits. Hobbies give us a fun diversion from everyday life and the sense of satisfaction from engaging in something one loves to do. Some like to go fishing, tend to the garden, collect stamps--mine just happens to be cross dressing and gender bending.  One of my cross dresser friends put it this way: "Some men play golf. I play girl!"

My life choices give me the opportunity to step outside the everyday persona and become someone different, even if just for one night. I think that's why so many adults love Halloween (I'm one of them!).

I know one guy who is extremely passionate about participating in Civil War reenactments. He goes to several reenactments every year, wears authentic uniforms (thick wool -- very hot in the sweltering heat of the summer), carries authentic weaponry, and even eats the food that civil war soldiers ate --hardtack and corn pone. He absolutely loves it. Why? I suppose it's due to reasons similar to mine -- to create a diversion from everyday life and engage in one's passion.

But in my opinion, there is something a little unsettling about glorifying such a tragic event -- one in which over 600,000 people perished. Successful lawyers, accountants, auto mechanics, etc. -- pretending and fantasizing that they are going through the same physical and emotional trauma as the original soldiers. To me, it's not much different than "re-enacting" the 9/11 tragedies. I'm reasonably certain that if this were to be done, it would immediately be considered to be "poor taste". But I'm sure that the passage of time somehow softens the emotional impact, and using this logic, in about 100 years there may be people who have a passion for being a part of "9/11 re-enactments".

But...to each his or her own, so Civil War actors -- if this is your passion, go out and enjoy yourselves! And some people love to go to Star Wars or super hero conventions dressed to the nines as their favorite character. Why is this kind of activity generally considered harmless, creative fun, while my gender bending artistic endeavors are often met with scorn and ridicule, and often prompt speculation about mental and emotional stability? I recently received a message from a lovely girl from the Philippines, and I was stunned at the simple and logical outlook she had regarding my lifestyle.

Here's how she put it: ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫.....I never experience liking a man looking like a woman. But your an exception to that. I never saw you different or complicated. Just like any other. I saw you just like an amazing person who dedicates himself with his passion. Never saw you as a girl but a man who enjoys his passion and bravely does what his heart want him to do.if i love singing or cooking, you love cross dressing so whats wrong with that my sweet? Nothing right. :* do not except yourself with everyone. You belong with us and you deserve to be treated normal just like what every man deserves. But lemme tell you a secret okay? Even though i saw you as normal man. My heart beats specially telling me. Your really special. ❤ so because of that. Be ready to be treated special too. ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫

Another heartfelt message (which I have read over and over again for inspiration and confidence!) is: ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫"Reading your profile was such a rich experience that I wanted to compliment you and reinforce that you re a very special and unique person, one with so much depth, insight, awareness, honesty, thoughtfulness, compassion and wisdom. Your articulate blog drew me in completely, and I felt blessed to be fortunate enough to have you share your inner self, inner spirit, inner soul with me. I felt a warmth and tenderness that truly touched me. You are truly amazing, inside and out, and deserve to find your happiness, fulfillment and joy throughout your lifetime."¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫

And my absolute favorite response to my profile comes from a beautiful woman (inner and outer beauty!) in Romania and she writes:

¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ •°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ It took me almost two hours to read your entire profile. I had to look for the explanation of some words or expressions, being an excellent exercise in improving my English and at the same time a fascinating immersion in understanding a person as complex as you are. It is the most powerful, captivating, complex and honest profile I have ever read. I never thought I could. read something like this on OKC. I am still amazed by your clear, logical, profound and so colorful style of expression You are a very special person, so different from what I'm used to know but so human and profound in a way that few people can be. ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ..✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•.✫¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫ •°*”˜˜”*°•✫ ¸.•°*”˜˜”*°•✫

★ A lot of people ask me how and when I developed an interest in cross dressing and gender bending. I'm not exactly sure, maybe it's an innate characteristic, or maybe a particular incident or experience created a spark and my creative imagination just ran with it. I do recall at about age five becoming mesmerized with these beautiful cocktail glasses emblazoned with the stunning women painted by the artist Alberto Vargas. Vargas' style by the way, has been copied by many, but no one really comes close. If you're curious about his work, simply google "Alberto Vargas" and you'll see some of the images that I believe created the spark that lit the fire, giving me this lifelong fascination.

Countless television viewing experiences added fuel to the fire, so to speak. Remember Ginger from "Gilligan's Island"? I was captivated by her beauty and elegance -- evening gowns and high heels while stranded on a deserted island walking through the sand! 😊 And a series of old commercials for "Muriel Cigars" starring Edie Adams (who incidentally bore a resemblance to Ginger (or was it Ginger who resembled Edie? 😊) View these fun and sexy commercials on YouTube, if you like. There was a lot of sexual innuendo and double entendre in these commercials, but it all went over the head of a young and mesmerized viewer.

I could list dozens more, but the gist of all this is that strong visual stimulation, a passion for feminine beauty and elegance, combined with an active and creative imagination, set the stage for a life-long appreciation and admiration of feminine beauty.

★Another question I get fairly often is, "Do you ever think about transitioning to being female 24/7, ala Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and thousands of others? I've often wondered about it, but so far I've had no desire or motivation to go down that road. Some transgendered people have a burning desire to present as who they are inside-- 24/7. For them, there is just no other way to survive.

Other transgendered people (like me), find pleasure in both their masculine and feminine sides and as such have neither the need nor the desire to make the transition to 24/7. In fact, I believe that being "gender fluid" makes me appreciate both my male and femme sides even more. April 30, 2018 update: I just finished Caitlyn Jenner's book, "The Secrets of My Life". I wanted to read it to compare my lifelong thoughts of being transgendered to those of CJ. Although I never won an Olympic Gold Medal, many, many aspects of our lives and inner thoughts are eerily similar. I highly recommend this book (which is an easy and entertaining read) for anyone who has an interest in knowing about the myriad of difficult challenges and coping solutions that transgendered people typically face.

I also read "Becoming Nicole" -- a New York Times best seller about a family with identical twin boys -- one of whom is transgendered, and the other being a "normal" boy. One of the key concepts of this story is how the brain becomes "masculinized" or "feminized" ~~while still in the womb~~. Sexual anatomy is determined approximately six weeks into the pregnancy, however the brain does not "masculinize" or "feminize" until six ~~months~~ ... and can be very different even in the case of identical twins. This is another great story of courage and perseverance -- not only for Nicole, but for her entire family.

And I recently came across a brief, but very interesting and informative essay titled, "The Psychology of Cross-Dressing". A couple of high impact quotes from this article:

**...”But in truth, cross-dressing is grounded in a highly logical and universal desire: the wish to be, for a time, the gender one admires, is excited by – and perhaps loves. Dressing like a woman is merely a dramatic, yet essentially reasonable, way of getting closer to the experiences of the sex one is profoundly curious about – and yet has been (somewhat arbitrarily) barred from... “

and

**”It may be bewildering to have to accept that one is at heart, in the semi-conscious mind, always going to be something far more diverse, multi-faceted but also perhaps interesting than a mere ‘man’ or a ‘woman’** If you'd like to read the entire essay, it can be found at:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-psychology-of-cross-dressing/

As I mentioned early in the blog, for me, this has always been a fun, creative, and artistic expression of feminine beauty which I enjoy very much. But do I feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body"? I guess the answer is sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Which supports my theory that some transgendered people find pleasure and comfort by embracing certain aspects of both genders.

Only lately have I taken the time to look into the pros and cons of hormone treatments which most consider to be one of the first steps of transitioning from one gender to the other on a full time basis. One notion that surfaces over and over again -- when it comes to genetic males taking female hormones -- is that they feel more relaxed and have more inner peace. It has also been reported that this more relaxed feeling allows them to connect with people on a deeper, more meaningful level. Now I'm not going to rush out and start taking female hormones, but experiencing those feelings that are generally attributed to females is something that intrigues me.

One other thing that I have heard trans women describe as a result of hormone treatments is that their senses are heightened. Colors are brighter and scents are stronger. It is almost as if one's senses are somehow altered or enhanced. Again, very intriguing. Buuuuut... a HUGE DRAWBACK of hormone treatments is often (usually) a diminished sexual response ("E.D. to be specific) and THAT -- is something that will most likely keep me from venturing into those waters!

I have a lot of respect for the transgender people who "go all the way" because it is undeniably a difficult road to travel. Only a few transsexuals who were born male have features and outward physical characteristics that allow them to blend in with other genetic women without being scrutinized. And that's why I have so much respect for people like Caitlyn Jenner because, no matter how much surgery or how many hormones she takes, she will still have many physical characteristics typically associated with non-genetic women. That takes A LOT OF COURAGE and presents so many challenges in life.

★ It is entirely possible that the the “normal” khaki wearing, briefcase toting guy you see every day has a secret desire to cross dress or feel feminine, but doesn't dare tell anyone about it. It's much more common than you might think. I feel bad for the guys who are 100% in the closet because their femme side is locked up and hidden away, and they struggle to keep their secret, terrified that their wives or girlfriends will discover that they have these feelings.

Often, they try to overcompensate by being excessively macho and manly. I know one cross dresser whose wife knows, but totally disapproves. He told me that at one point, he secretly rented space in a storage facility so he could have some "girl time". A damp and dimly lit storage facility?? How lonely and depressing is that!? While it is true that when going out en femme, the venue has to be considered, (some places, unfortunately are not "TG friendly") but at least I'm not locked up in a storage facility trying on dresses and heels! I hope the storage facility guy eventually gains a little more freedom.

I decided long ago that if I was going to be married or have a serious relationship, it would be with a woman who not only knew about my femme side, but enjoyed and appreciated it also.

★You'll no doubt agree that this blog seems to be a bottomless pit.  There's a reason for such extensive expression.  I want people to know as much about me, without concealing anything. Think about all those people who write a few paragraphs (or in some cases, just a few words!) in a dating profile about who they are and what they want in a significant other. Are they really letting you look into their deepest, most private thoughts? Or are they just giving you the information they think you might want to hear?

I have a friend who met a guy, and married him about a year later. Shortly after they married, he expressed a desire for her to look and act like a little girl as a sexual stimulant for him. I have no problem with role play as an enhancement to sexual matters. Actually, I think it's quite healthy and creative. For this guy however, the "little girl fantasy" was the be all and end all and my friend quickly realized that something didn't sit right with her. Now, without knowing the intricate details of the marriage, I can't say for sure how the marriage ended, but it did. And after talking with my friend, I learned that his fixation was a primary factor. Why do I relate this story in my profile?

Well, this guy and the unfortunate girl could have saved a lot of heartache had he been up front with her before they were married. If he had told her all about this part of him that seemed to fixate on his adult wife looking and acting like an 8 year old for his sexual pleasure-- she could have made an informed decision about whether she could or couldn't live with his fetish. She most likely wouldn't have married him and she could have been free to pursue they type of relationship she wanted, and he could have been free to look for a woman who didn't have a problem with his desires.

To my knowledge, he wasn't into child pornography -- he just wanted his wife to "act the part". And that brings me back to my situation. I'm fully aware that most women would not be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. But I'm up front about myself and I would never want to string someone along, and then suddenly reveal a very different side of myself. Doing so would be extremely selfish and detrimental to the relationship, to say the least. What you have from me -- from the start -- is complete openness with nothing concealed. I wonder how many dating site profiles go to such great lengths.

★ I often wonder why, when a little girl shows an interest in things like toy trucks, or football, the parents rarely discourage her from being interested in these things. In fact, they often encourage her to experience things that are traditionally feminine AND traditionally masculine. When young boys express interest in traditionally feminine things -- Barbie Dolls, princess dresses, etc., -- there is usually A LOT OF CONCERN and disappointment that he's not a "normal boy".

Is it that we all have a subconscious notion that masculine is "strong, good, and positive" and feminine is weak? Not that long ago -- sadly -- many white people really did think (some consciously, some subconsciously ) that black people were born with an inferior intellect. At one time, there were no black quarterbacks in the NFL and even though it was rarely discussed, everyone knew that the reason was the notion that black players were not smart enough to be a quarterback. Fortunately we have evolved and that kind of thinking is, for the most part, extinct.

I wonder if that feminine/masculine thinking for our children will continue through the ages, or will it evolve into a broader, more logical and humane way of thinking. If you'd like to see an amazing video of how a father responds -- in a very positive way-- to his son's apparent feminine interests, check out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWlsMulh3MY

★ I recently came across a YouTube channel called "Fabricio Castro Fotografia". I suppose I could write pages about this, but I'll keep it brief and if you're interested you can check out his channel. He has a team of photographers, makeup artists, and hairstylists that do an amazing job of transforming teenage boys into beautiful young women. What's really amazing is that the parents of these boys are ~~very supportive and encouraging~~. And they pay Mr. Castro a lot of money for his services.

Very often, the transformation is done for a big party -- very popular among the Hispanic community is the "Quinceañera" party -- the 15th Birthday. After their transformations, they become very feminine and beautiful girls in their formal gowns. They are also coached on feminine walking, mannerisms, etc. But the true beauty of all of this is the look of total joy, happiness, and contentment as they become "girls for a day". I can tell that, in the majority of cases, it's not just a curiosity on the part of these boys. They wouldn't go to all the trouble and expense if it was just a curiosity or a whim. And the parents most likely wouldn't support them unless they felt it was extremely important to their sons. They feel female on the inside and the look of content and inner peace that you see when they are transformed is very heartwarming.

I also can't help but to think that after their "girl for a day" they become a little depressed and disappointed that they have to return to being boys. But I also feel that the parents are fully aware that their child is transgendered, and this is very likely just the first step in ultimately transitioning to a full time female.

This is a perfect example of how societal views have changed regarding transgendered persons. When I was young, I ★wouldn't have dreamed★ of asking my parents to allow me to do this. And if I had asked them, it would have been met with scheduling appointments with a psychiatrist. Coming out as transgender during this time period would have resulted in so many negative outcomes, and unfortunately many transgendered children (who didn't even know what being transgendered was) became emotionally scarred and even suicide victims. I have so much respect and admiration for these modern day brave children and their progressive thinking parents.

★Finally, MMO, which is an acronym for "Male Multiple Orgasm". Although it may sound like an oxymoron, it is entirely possible for a male to develop this amazing ability which most people understand to be the sole province of women. It's not an easy thing to accomplish because most men are wired to achieve orgasm in the traditional manner. But armed with an open mind, patience and relaxation, many men can "re-wire" themselves and discover a whole new world of pleasure. There is a lot written on MMO, so if you're interested in knowing more, simply do an internet search on "male multiple orgasms" and you'll learn about some very interesting concepts.

★ I have not had sexual relations with a partner for a long time. This however, has in no way limited my sexual pleasure or diminished my sexual desire, as I have discovered and refined some amazing um, "solo techniques"😊 that have resulted in some earth shattering experiences. I've also done a lot of research regarding diet, exercise, and vitamin/herbal supplements to maximize sexual response. The results are astounding! But the most powerful and the most important sex organ? Without a doubt --the brain.

One very apparent result of my staying out of relationships for so long, is that I have been able to reflect on past relationships and recognize the things that I did (or didn't do) which acted to sabotage the development and progression of the relationship. Just about every sport at a professional level involves watching films of past performance. A tennis player might see a glaring flaw in his/her form which can then be corrected. A baseball hitter might take note that he is dropping his shoulder too much when swinging the bat and take steps to correct it.

Well, I don't have actual films, but for me the footage is in my head. And I have a lot of footage! If there is another serious relationship for me, I will (like the professional athlete) learn from the mistakes and take steps to make me a ~~much~~ better partner! I promised myself long ago, that I would not pursue or take part in meaningless or shallow sexual encounters. That is, sex without a ~~deep~~ emotional commitment. And I'm proud to say that I have kept that promise. I don't miss casual sex at all. In fact, I have a lot of regrets about being interested in certain women with only one goal (sex) in mind.

I wish I could talk to each one of them and apologize for my selfish and shallow behavior, and for wasting their time letting them think that there was potential for a more serious relationship when my intentions were entirely short-term, self centered, and shallow. On the other hand, perhaps many of these women were using me in the same way I was using them. In any event, it is now clear to me that these encounters were a waste of time and an impediment to the development of healthy emotional maturity.

One issue that came up several times in past relationships was my admiration of pretty women while out and about with the girl I was dating. It wasn't like, "...oooh, look at her, she's FINE!!" It was more like me just sneaking a glance and appreciating her beauty, style, elegance and fashion choices. But you know? --most women have this built in "radar" that immediately notifies them that their man is looking at and taking in the beauty of another woman. There was a funny commercial -- I can't even remember the product--I think it was Corona beer-- that shows a couple on the beach. A stunningly beautiful bikini-clad woman walks by and the guy just gawks at her, mouth agape. His wife/girlfriend, without even looking up from the book she's reading -- places her hand on the guy's chin and pushes it up to close his mouth. A perfect example of the "radar" I just described.

One girl I was dating always knew that I was stealing glances and she never failed to tell me, "I know you're looking at her" or something like that. And rather than apologize to her, I would defend my position and say, "yes, I was looking at her--that doesn't mean I want to date her. It's just human nature to look at and appreciate beauty." She didn't buy that excuse, and I think it was one of the main reasons that our relationship didn't last. Looking back on it, I now see how it made her feel and I'd like to apologize to her for the distress I caused her.

On the other hand, I'm really not sure if I'll ever be able to resist admiring all the feminine beauty that the world has to offer. So if I ever enter another serious relationship, I'll have to tell her these things and make sure she doesn't have a problem with it. I think that maybe, just maybe-- women who have a problem with their men looking at (not lusting) other women are somewhat insecure. A woman with confidence will view this behavior as a natural and harmless activity.  And by the same token, I'd never call her out for looking at other men (or women) because I understand that this is just part of being human. Why walk around with horse blinders on simply because a significant other is by one's side? I'd be interested in knowing if you agree or disagree with this.

This is a 30 year old secret that I have never revealed to anyone--until now: I saw "Dirty Dancing" -- paid to see it in the theater--not once but twice in one week! It's one of those things that should be filed in the "what was I thinking??" folder. I just remember how cute Jennifer Grey looked (before she got her nose "fixed"), and I remember how I liked the music, regardless of the fact that the movie was kind of schmaltzy. I don't think I've seen ANY movie twice in the theater. I've seen many movies multiple times, but none were seen more than once in the theater. I've probably seen "Jaws" 20 times, "Rocky Horror" at least 10 times, and "Blazing Saddles" about 10 times, "The Shawshank Redemption" about 10 times, "Dances With Wolves" about 10 times, "Double Indemnity" about 10 times, and the recently released "Frozen" about ten times! I still don't think I'll tell anyone (other than in this blog) the "Dirty Dancing" secret ...very embarrassing! 😊

This really isn't a private thing, but I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't do text messaging or Facebook. I do have a smart phone-- A Samsung that's about six years old (ANCIENT in cell phone years!). But I don't use it as a cell phone. For me, it's a music player, video player, camera, video camera, address book, and occasional internet surfer -- everything except a phone! My phone is an even more ancient Motorola "flip phone" that can't even send or receive text messages -- it's only a phone. I got it on ebay for $15.00. I've lost it a few times and its has always made its way back to me, mainly, I suppose, because no one would want this phone and I guess the finders have all felt sorry for the "low-tech user" who owned it! 😊 If I lost a smart phone, I'd probably never see it again.

I’d love to have you contact me if perhaps: 

You think you're that special person  I'm looking for...

OR, if you just want to be friends....perhaps you have ZERO interest in my lifestyle that no doubt traverses a different path... but maybe you'd like a friend to cultivate some of your interests that coincide with some of mine ---rollerblading, ice skating, theater, travel, etc.

...you’re a TG girl like myself who would like a friend to hang out with, have dinner, go to a show, or go out dancing...Halloween is approaching -- are you interested?

...you'd like a friend for an impromptu visit to the nail salon for a pedicure followed by a fun outdoor (weather permitting) lunch!

...you're a beautiful lady with a lot of style and confidence and you love to get dressed to the nines for a night out at a restaurant of your choice. Just us two girls, oblivious to the gawkers and admirers that we know are checking us out. One night...no strings attached...we go our separate ways after I pay the tab (that's right, it's on me), and all we have is the memory of a lovely evening. It may appear to be a shallow experience, but who says everything in life needs to be deep and significant?

...you may not want to be tied down and you may not be interested in anything intimate or long term-- that's ok --just one unique experience for an evening. And if it leads to more nights out, all the better!

.....you are a fun and adventuresome couple. Many of my friends are couples, so if the two of you think you'd enjoy my company, I'd love to hear from you. I once was close to a couple who came to my home for dinner with me (dressed in my French Maid's Uniform) serving as their waitress. Afterwards, we went out for drinks and dancing.

...you're a straight woman who might be fascinated by the idea of having a lesbian relationship, but also enjoys the company of a man. In other words, ..."the best of both worlds!"

...you're attracted to my positive energy and creativity, but you want no part of my femme presentations. Ok, fair enough. Any time we spend together will be with me in male mode, recognizing of course that I cannot and will not suppress my femme side and I will continue to enjoy this part of me with friends who enjoy and embrace my femme side

...you're a lesbian or bi-sexual woman who would like a TG friend.

...you're an "aging baby boomer" (I cringe when I hear that term and you may cringe also -- if that's the case, my apologies!) who has previously been highly independent, but realizes that growing old (another cringe) will be more palatable with a partner who can provide emotional support and companionship. I seem to be in a state of denial about this issue, mainly because I think and feel like I'm light years away from "being old" but as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, it (old age) will eventually be banging loudly on our doors.

...you are bride planning her wedding and (omg!) one of your best friends has backed out of her commitment to be one of your bridesmaids. Your problems are over because you've found me: I can step in and take her place as one of your beautiful bridesmaids!😊. I also love bachelorette parties and would be honored to be one of your girls!

...and speaking of weddings, maybe you're going to a wedding, family event, class reunion, or other social engagement and would like to make a BIG SPLASH by bringing a fun, fabulous TG girl as your date or platonic friend.

...you admit that you need some practice walking in heels and want a non-judgemental practice partner. Or maybe you want to go shoe shopping together!

...you are a man who is an admirer of transgender girls.  I always enjoy making new friends and it is always nice to be appreciated and respected by a gentleman. I know one guy who is not gay, but he is fascinated by the way I can transform myself into pretty and femme looks.

...you're a man who enjoys ballroom dancing and would like to either take lessons or just get out and dance with a transgendered partner. It's an interesting and intriguing idea...

But guys, listen up: Sending me a note saying only "Hi" or "ur sexy" or in one case, apparently it was too much work to write "Hi", he simply wrote "H" -- won't get a response from me.

And... if my quest for romance somehow fails to materialize, I would be interested in taking an alternative route briefly described as:

...If you are an elegant, stylish, chic, successful and confident woman and dominant (straight, lesbian, or bi) who has absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship (but are intrigued by my lifestyle, fashion choices and musings) and would like me in your life to help you with your busy professional and personal activities. I suppose what I'm describing is a personal assistant (or if you prefer to use the term "maid" please do so--there are some very cute maid's uniforms available that I would be happy to wear for you on those special occasions.😊. I am very attentive, and will give strong consideration to dedicating myself 100% to your happiness and pleasure, asking for nothing in return other than knowing and being in the presence of an elegant, successful, feminine, sophisticated, chic and intelligent lady. To me, giving happiness and pleasure is just as rewarding, if not more rewarding than getting. I am willing to relocate! I WILL make your life a lot more interesting!

✨THERE!! --- You made it though my labyrinth of a blog. CONGRATULATIONS!✨ --- you're one of the few!! 😍 ❤

[minrazinc]

My personal experience with Shatner part 3

Just finishing an interview of his talking about his youth days, I think I want to write about my third time experience. Even though the previous two times are gems, irreplaceable, this time is truly a huge surprise, an experience that every time I think about it can give me a heart attack. It’s Star Trek Las Vegas Convention 2017.

As I said before, I’m not a con person. I don’t want to hang with people ‘cause I’m afraid to. More to that, I didn’t finish all of the ST series at that time, even today I still haven’t. I always think I’m that kind of purist trekkie, a fake star trek fan or something. But I want to meet him, in a convention where most of his appearances are. To actually immerse in a situation that everyone present is fan, so that I don’t need to restrain myself, pretend I’m cool, like in previous two times. I want to let the inner craycray (as in his words) out. How fabulous could that be?

Even though I’m not a con person. I watch a lot of panel vids online. I like to watch those celebrities’ QA session with fans, ‘cause it just exposes so many hidden sides of them that they don’t usually talk about. But as for Star Trek fandom, I’m sure every insider is aware of what our panels are like. The most common questions are like “What’s your favorite episode?” “What’s Captain kirk’s locker’s code?” Trekkies love to ask dumb questions! I’m not looking down upon anyone, but just think they waste so many of great chances of exploring deeper of our beloved franchise. So I want to go on by myself. I want to talk to him, which I fail to do in previous two times. It might be the only chance that I can have a rather meaningful conversation with him, not that kind of “Thank you for coming”. As someone who don’t like to talk, don’t like to social, even a bit of social phobia, and a foreigner, it’s really a huge challenge to me, but I want to do it, and nothing can stop me. 

I only went here for one day, Saturday, ‘cause one is that my final for my summer school only ends on Friday, and another thing is that I don’t have enough love for other series and actors so I’m not motivated enough to buy ticket for other days. But when I actually arrived at Rio Hotel on Saturday morning, when the costume parade starts, seeing all the people dressed up in klingons, andorians, orions etc. , and all the Klingons’, Starleet’s, Dominions’ flag hanging there, that kind of amazement I felt is really unforgettable, especially the background music played at that time was Bill’s Rocket man. When I hang around in the vendor’s room, my friend introduced me to everyone she saw “She’s not a Trekkie, she’s just here for Shatner”, I can’t describe how embarrassed I was. 

Anyway, his panel was at noon. Before his, it was Kate Mulgrew’s panel. I found a seat near the microphone where people who’d like to ask a question would line up way before his panel starts. Once Kate’s panel ends, I run to the microphone, and stayed there to wait for his entrance. I remember the host’s introduction for him was “the patriarch for our family” or something, and then, six thousand people stand up and cheer. It was marvelous. The audience’s enthusiasm can blow up the roof. It’s the first time that I actually saw what his usual public image is like, a true patriarch, a living legend, a man who’ been beloved by so many people for half of the century. I was exited and deeply moved inside. It was just extraordinary. 

(his entrance) the comparison between how casually he dressed up and those orion girls and golden wings is just hilarious.

And his panel starts. He talked and talked and talked he never stopped. As some die hard trekkie would complain, he always loves to talk about things st fans don’t want to hear, like horses stuff, but I really enjoy it. I love him for being himself. And even though I heard every story before, I still laughed hysterically. I just couldn’t help myself. 

Then it was Q&A time. I was the first in the line at my side, but there’s also another side at the opposite of the stage. The moment he turned to my side I freaked out. The light spotted on me, and the coordinator gives me microphone. I guess my face must be horrible at that time, because that coordinator even asked me “Are you OK?” Do I look like someone not ok or want to withdraw? I’m here after all.

(This is a picture his then president of the fan club took for me from the other side of the stage. The moment he turned to me. I’m the first person in that line.)

So I had a deep breath, calmed myself, and took the microphone. I told him that he’s not only my favorite actor, but my favorite author too. (I know those rumor about he has ghost writer but I don’t care. It’s still his ideas.) He looks surprised and flattered (because he didn’t write all of them after all). I said I ALMOST (I said it on purpose) finish all of his non-fiction books. He interrupted me “Why don’t you finish them?” The whole audience laughed and me too. I explained that well I only have The Spirit of the Horse unfinished (his latest book at that time). He’s satisfied, “good”. I told him that he always says Kirk is the greater part of himself (from WHERE NO MAN), but he’s much better than Kirk. I paused. I don’t know why I paused. But the whole audience cheered for that, which is another thing I’m so proud of. I finally tell him that. It’s perhaps something I want to tell him the most. I genuinely think he’s much bigger than Kirk, and to sum him up as the actor who plays kirk is definitely under-appreciating him. I kept on saying he has such an rich life experience. He was “so beautiful and oh so unbelievably naive” (again quote from his own books) and now wise and inspirational. He looks really flattered for this. I can treasure that face forever. He said “you almost make me weep. Thank you very much.” like, my inner volcano erupts for that??!!!I almost make him weep?!?!?!?!?! what???!!!!?!?!?!?!?Again I managed to keep myself as a whole, and kept on saying that I’m curious about his life. How did he transfer from that so young so naive boy to today’s wise man. If he can travel back in time to meet that younger self of him, especially those days he’s struggling with his life, what would he say to him?  

(yes he looked at me that way. I was blessed by THE MAN himself. I don’t know how did I manage to keep myself as a whole after that)

This question I prepared long before the panel was inspired the lyrics of one of his song It hasn’t Happened Yet from Has Been. I just love how he “tells the truth” in every song from Has Been. It Hasn’t Happened Yet describes a scenario in his youth days, which he talks a lot, that he was walking in a snow days in Ottawa, and thinking about his situation, his dream, and future. Worry about how he gonna make his folks proud, and make his dream come true. He was so similar to everyone in his/her tender age, like all of us. And I was quite struggle with my life those days last year. I really want to hear some suggestion from him, but I know I shouldn’t ask too directly, because it would seem too egocentric and annoy other fans. So I use this form to ask for his suggestion implicitly. Though later I came to know he wrote a letter to his 17 year old self several years ago, but his answer at that panel was completely different, and much more inspirational to me, I’m satisfied for that, 

Here is his answer. 

To deal really deeply into that. When I said earlier, I don’t know anything, I really mean it. I lived all these years. And I wish I could sum up this is what the truth is. There is no truth. There is a fact. Life goes on and it ends. And there is nothing you can do about it. You could struggle in one plain. You could struggle to try, to perfect yourself, and do better on what your work is, or trying to lead a full life, so you’re giving as well as taking. You do all those things, but in the end, the sweep of history takes you. Life takes you on its own floodplains and you don’t really have any control. So relax, enjoy it, enjoy the journey, because the ending, you don’t want to get to it. You don’t want to arrive at the final place. So keep your head above the water. Look around you and realize you’re surviving, and it’s gonna be aright no matter what happens. It’s going to be alright. That’s what I would say to myself. 

It’s just my rough transcription. If you want to watch the whole panel, go to here 

William Shatner at Star Trek 2017 Convention  (my turn is around 30:00)

You have no idea what I’m feeling, even right now while I type these words. When he gets to the later part of his answer, he keeps looking at me. I don’t know if he’s aware that I’m asking for his help, for his suggestion of life. He might or might not be aware of it, but his natural body language makes me think he does. Or as he goes on saying, he might realize this could be a great lesson for everyone present (tho he’s quite humble for matter like this). I was so touched by his words that I even forgot to get to the mic to say thank you to him at the end lol. And right after that, when I get back to my seat, I really couldn’t get myself as a whole. I literally fell to the floor in front of so many people. I fell three times at that day at STLV, one time during his panel, one time after I got his autograph, one time while I’m seeing a huge poster of Captn’ Kirk in vendor room, I literally kneeled before it. And my friend was so embarrassed by that. While I kept talking to my friend about how exited I was because of that, many people recognized my voice and came to me asking if I’m the first one asking Shatner question at his panel, and telling me how  courageous I was, which is another bonus. I never felt that feeling of being recognized before. It’s just amazing. 

I know he himself wasn’t easy at his earlier life. Every young actor wasn’t easy at the beginning. He’s conflicted between his actor dream and his father’s expectation of inheriting family business. And he’s constantly struggling with finance and loneliness. He probably never told himself to “keep your head above water” back in those days, which is I guess the reason today’s Bill would like to tell his younger self to relax. As great as he is, he experienced all those difficulties at youth, and in middle age, and in his late life as well, but he kept on. He never quits. As someone who loves life so much as he is, he even has suicidal thoughts as well, but the great thing is he didn’t give up to it. It’s just so inspirational to me. The man himself told me to relax, to keep my head above water. How can I not comply? 

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

[kuronekonerochan]

Just Between Lovers

First, thanks

@overthinkingkdrama @kdramafeed @addictingkdrama @lavenderbyun @letsflytoasiarenata @kdramaxoxo

@audreyskdramablog

... and others I might be forgetting, for kindly pushing me to see it. I didn’t want to at first cause I’m done with depressing af dramas where you suffer all the way through it, only to be crushed by the ending. I binge watched it only after the numerous “collective sigh of relief�� posts that assured me a happy ending, as much as I sometimes crave the angst, I can do without the final heartache.

So, my opinion...

Is it as good as the hype around it? yes, it is. I was afraid it would be too dark but it’s the perfect balance of realism/drama tropes, angsty/heartwarming. I hate watching dramas where the lead’s circumstances are just too hopeless and you know they’ll be losing to the bad guys constantly until the very last ep when justice is finally served. Here the leads are in a dire patch but there is always a silver lining to it... crappy family situation for the female lead is balanced with the support of a great bff, crappy job and finances for the male lead is balanced with the amount of love we the viewers can see he receives from his makeshift family, even if he can’t see it himself sometimes.

I have a new favorite to join the pantheon of great kdrama male leads, the adorable messed up puppy Gang Doo.

Jun Ho was the best part of chief kim (even more so than the lead for me), and he is once again the best part of this (I’m not addressing in detail how awesome he was because I feel like everyone already covered that), and that is saying a lot since I found the whole cast to be great, especially his co-star, who delivered a nuanced performance, for a character who was very much your average girl, dealing with her circumstances the best she could, working slowly through her trauma, without resorting to the usual quirkiness, hysterics, aegyo’s and so on that most main characters rely on to stand out as “unique”.

What made her a good character, besides a good script, was the actress’ ability to convey the characters inner strength in a subtle way that prevented her from becoming bland.

The character in itself shared a lot of traits with Go Ara’s character from Black, but the latter imo failed in her portrayal and the supposedly main character became a pitiful whiny forgettable sidenote that didn’t impact the core of that drama in any way. That could easily have been the case here, but she made sure she was as central to the drama as the male lead. Her acting reminded me a lot of the female lead in Mask, another great performance for me. I also couldn’t help but wonder if that’s not what Hwayugi/ A Korean Odyssey is lacking. (I like that drama a lot but I keep feeling that something’s missing. In a world full of supernatural over the top beings, the serene female lead has become like a spectator of her own show, honestly a bit of a bore. And it’s not like I hate that actress on the role, but she got the weakest part as the serene everyday girl. This lead, however, shines in her role... I think she’d make the most out of her character, even with the weakest script, if she had been cast in Hwayugi.)

A strong point of the drama is the lack of villains. They don’t need the big bad corporation old men pulling strings behind the curtains. Neither is this the typical unearthing of a cover up by the little fish to bring down said old giants. There was an accident that turned into a tragedy, and there were some scapegoats and errors made but, paraphrasing the second lead “the culprits didn’t set out to intentionally do bad things”. So instead of the bazillionth revenge David and Goliath story we get a tale of the long term aftermath of a tragedy... how the survivors and families of the victims cope with grief and how their lives got irrevocably changed by a single event.

The only antagonist is a bastard to be sure, but he is also human and one of the more interesting characters onscreen. I pitied him and hated him, then again the drama showing great balance between the petty ceo with an inferiority complex and tantrums, as well as the dreamer who had his life turned around and turned into something he didn’t want by the accident. The amount of resentment in that man is something...

And my personal favorite, the dark horse that no one talks about:

Jung Yoo Jin, boss extraordinaire!

Rich heiress, daughter of the building company ultimately responsible for the tragedy, she is almost the stereotypical bitch second female lead with the money and the attitude. But she is also much more than that... she is not a snob since she even befriends the male lead, she is not petty as she suffers in her love life but doesn’t lash out or set out to hurt others, she is trapped between her brother and the man she loves as a mediator in their business relationship, as well as their personal quarrels and handles it all with grace. She is also sensible and responsible and doesn’t shy away from making tough decisions, always against any kind of cover up or easy way out for herself or her company which she ensures is 100% accountable.

SPOILER CORNER

With an ill fated love story with her stepbrother and some mistakes in her past that she is the first to acknowledge, she was the character that truly deserved better by the end of it. As such a strong woman, her romantic counterpart just seems weak in comparison, from being unforgiving towards the decision she made after the tragedy, to being a flipflopping mess about his feelings for her, caving in without being ready to fight for her... he just disappointed. Not to mention his infatuation at-first-sight with any strong willed woman who speaks her mind (not only our lead, but also that last minute wood worker) and honestly, I don’t think it was the drama’s intention, but his “love” for the lead girl just felt like a stupid crush for strong women, as a replacement for the one he couldn’t have... Yoo Jin. I get their circumstances were really difficult to overcome, but I feel like she could have faced it straight on and actually overcome anything if only she’d had any kind of support from him. As his indecisive passive ass didn’t do anything but both ignore and lead her on at turns, I’m glad she was smart and proud enough to not screw herself by pushing it.

[gemtv00]

Serial Killers

Countess Erszebet Bathory was a breathtakingly beautiful, unusually well-educated woman, married to a descendant of Vlad Dracula of Bram Stoker fame. In 1611, she was tried - though, being a noblewoman, not convicted - in Hungary for slaughtering 612 young girls. The true figure may have been 40-100, though the Countess recorded in her diary more than 610 girls and 50 bodies were found in her estate when it was raided.

The Countess was notorious as an inhuman sadist long before her hygienic fixation. She once ordered the mouth of a talkative servant sewn. It is rumoured that in her childhood she witnessed a gypsy being sewn into a horse's stomach and left to die.

The girls were not killed outright. They were kept in a dungeon and repeatedly pierced, prodded, pricked, and cut. The Countess may have bitten chunks of flesh off their bodies while alive. She is said to have bathed and showered in their blood in the mistaken belief that she could thus slow down the aging process.

Her servants were executed, their bodies burnt and their ashes scattered. Being royalty, she was merely confined to her bedroom until she died in 1614. For a hundred years after her death, by royal decree, mentioning her name in Hungary was a crime.

Cases like Barothy's give the lie to the assumption that serial killers are a modern - or even post-modern - phenomenon, a cultural-societal construct, a by-product of urban alienation, Althusserian interpellation, and media glamorization. Serial killers are, indeed, largely made, not born. But they are spawned by every culture and society, molded by the idiosyncrasies of every period as well as by their personal circumstances and genetic makeup.

Still, every crop of serial killers mirrors and reifies the pathologies of the milieu, the depravity of the Zeitgeist, and the malignancies of the Leitkultur. The choice of weapons, the identity and range of the victims, the methodology of murder, the disposal of the bodies, the geography, the sexual perversions and paraphilias - are all informed and inspired by the slayer's environment, upbringing, community, socialization, education, peer group, sexual orientation, religious convictions, and personal narrative. Movies like "Born Killers", "Man Bites Dog", "Copycat", and the Hannibal Lecter series captured this truth.

Serial killers are the quiddity and quintessence of malignant narcissism.

Yet, to some degree, we all are narcissists. Primary narcissism is a universal and inescapable developmental phase. Narcissistic traits are common and often culturally condoned. To this extent, serial killers are merely our reflection through a glass darkly. More here gemtv serial

In their book "Personality Disorders in Modern Life", Theodore Millon and Roger Davis attribute pathological narcissism to "a society that stresses individualism and self-gratification at the expense of community ... In an individualistic culture, the narcissist is 'God's gift to the world'. In a collectivist society, the narcissist is 'God's gift to the collective'".

Lasch described the narcissistic landscape thus (in "The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an age of Diminishing Expectations", 1979):

"The new narcissist is haunted not by guilt but by anxiety. He seeks not to inflict his own certainties on others but to find a meaning in life. Liberated from the superstitions of the past, he doubts even the reality of his own existence ... His sexual attitudes are permissive rather than puritanical, even though his emancipation from ancient taboos brings him no sexual peace.

Fiercely competitive in his demand for approval and acclaim, he distrusts competition because he associates it unconsciously with an unbridled urge to destroy ... He (harbours) deeply antisocial impulses. He praises respect for rules and regulations in the secret belief that they do not apply to himself. Acquisitive in the sense that his cravings have no limits, he ... demands immediate gratification and lives in a state of restless, perpetually unsatisfied desire."

The narcissist's pronounced lack of empathy, off-handed exploitativeness, grandiose fantasies and uncompromising sense of entitlement make him treat all people as though they were objects (he "objectifies" people). The narcissist regards others as either useful conduits for and sources of narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, etc.) - or as extensions of himself.

Similarly, serial killers often mutilate their victims and abscond with trophies - usually, body parts. Some of them have been known to eat the organs they have ripped - an act of merging with the dead and assimilating them through digestion. They treat their victims as some children do their rag dolls.

Killing the victim - often capturing him or her on film before the murder - is a form of exerting unmitigated, absolute, and irreversible control over it. The serial killer aspires to "freeze time" in the still perfection that he has choreographed. The victim is motionless and defenseless. The killer attains long sought "object permanence". The victim is unlikely to run on the serial assassin, or vanish as earlier objects in the killer's life (e.g., his parents) have done.

In malignant narcissism, the true self of the narcissist is replaced by a false construct, imbued with omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence. The narcissist's thinking is magical and infantile. He feels immune to the consequences of his own actions. Yet, this very source of apparently superhuman fortitude is also the narcissist's Achilles heel.

The narcissist's personality is chaotic. His defense mechanisms are primitive. The whole edifice is precariously balanced on pillars of denial, splitting, projection, rationalization, and projective identification. Narcissistic injuries - life crises, such as abandonment, divorce, financial difficulties, incarceration, public opprobrium - can bring the whole thing tumbling down. The narcissist cannot afford to be rejected, spurned, insulted, hurt, resisted, criticized, or disagreed with.

Likewise, the serial killer is trying desperately to avoid a painful relationship with his object of desire. He is terrified of being abandoned or humiliated, exposed for what he is and then discarded. Many killers often have sex - the ultimate form of intimacy - with the corpses of their victims. Objectification and mutilation allow for unchallenged possession.

Devoid of the ability to empathize, permeated by haughty feelings of superiority and uniqueness, the narcissist cannot put himself in someone else's shoes, or even imagine what it means. The very experience of being human is alien to the narcissist whose invented False Self is always to the fore, cutting him off from the rich panoply of human emotions.

Thus, the narcissist believes that all people are narcissists. Many serial killers believe that killing is the way of the world. Everyone would kill if they could or were given the chance to do so. Such killers are convinced that they are more honest and open about their desires and, thus, morally superior. They hold others in contempt for being conforming hypocrites, cowed into submission by an overweening establishment or society.

The narcissist seeks to adapt society in general - and meaningful others in particular - to his needs. He regards himself as the epitome of perfection, a yardstick against which he measures everyone, a benchmark of excellence to be emulated. He acts the guru, the sage, the "psychotherapist", the "expert", the objective observer of human affairs. He diagnoses the "faults" and "pathologies" of people around him and "helps" them "improve", "change", "evolve", and "succeed" - i.e., conform to the narcissist's vision and wishes.

Serial killers also "improve" their victims - slain, intimate objects - by "purifying" them, removing "imperfections", depersonalizing and dehumanizing them. This type of killer saves its victims from degeneration and degradation, from evil and from sin, in short: from a fate worse than death.

The killer's megalomania manifests at this stage. He claims to possess, or have access to, higher knowledge and morality. The killer is a special being and the victim is "chosen" and should be grateful for it. The killer often finds the victim's ingratitude irritating, though sadly predictable.

In his seminal work, "Aberrations of Sexual Life" (originally: "Psychopathia Sexualis"), quoted in the book "Jack the Ripper" by Donald Rumbelow, Kraft-Ebbing offers this observation:

"The perverse urge in murders for pleasure does not solely aim at causing the victim pain and - most acute injury of all - death, but that the real meaning of the action consists in, to a certain extent, imitating, though perverted into a monstrous and ghastly form, the act of defloration. It is for this reason that an essential component ... is the employment of a sharp cutting weapon; the victim has to be pierced, slit, even chopped up ... The chief wounds are inflicted in the stomach region and, in many cases, the fatal cuts run from the vagina into the abdomen. In boys an artificial vagina is even made ... One can connect a fetishistic element too with this process of hacking ... inasmuch as parts of the body are removed and ... made into a collection."

Yet, the sexuality of the serial, psychopathic, killer is self-directed. His victims are props, extensions, aides, objects, and symbols. He interacts with them ritually and, either before or after the act, transforms his diseased inner dialog into a self-consistent extraneous catechism. The narcissist is equally auto-erotic. In the sexual act, he merely masturbates with other - living - people's bodies.

The narcissist's life is a giant repetition complex. In a doomed attempt to resolve early conflicts with significant others, the narcissist resorts to a restricted repertoire of coping strategies, defense mechanisms, and behaviors. He seeks to recreate his past in each and every new relationship and interaction. Inevitably, the narcissist is invariably confronted with the same outcomes. This recurrence only reinforces the narcissist's rigid reactive patterns and deep-set beliefs. It is a vicious, intractable, cycle.

Correspondingly, in some cases of serial killers, the murder ritual seemed to have recreated earlier conflicts with meaningful objects, such as parents, authority figures, or peers. The outcome of the replay is different to the original, though. This time, the killer dominates the situation.

The killings allow him to inflict abuse and trauma on others rather than be abused and traumatized. He outwits and taunts figures of authority - the police, for instance. As far as the killer is concerned, he is merely "getting back" at society for what it did to him. It is a form of poetic justice, a balancing of the books, and, therefore, a "good" thing. The murder is cathartic and allows the killer to release hitherto repressed and pathologically transformed aggression - in the form of hate, rage, and envy.

But repeated acts of escalating gore fail to alleviate the killer's overwhelming anxiety and depression. He seeks to vindicate his negative introjects and sadistic superego by being caught and punished. The serial killer tightens the proverbial noose around his neck by interacting with law enforcement agencies and the media and thus providing them with clues as to his identity and whereabouts. When apprehended, most serial assassins experience a great sense of relief.

Serial killers are not the only objectifiers - people who treat others as objects. To some extent, leaders of all sorts - political, military, or corporate - do the same. In a range of demanding professions - surgeons, medical doctors, judges, law enforcement agents - objectification efficiently fends off attendant horror and anxiety.

Yet, serial killers are different. They represent a dual failure - of their own development as full-fledged, productive individuals - and of the culture and society they grow in. In a pathologically narcissistic civilization - social anomies proliferate. Such societies breed malignant objectifiers - people devoid of empathy - also known as "narcissists".