#but were divided by this huge misunderstanding?

[hydrasaura]

Damn i saw the new leona skin 😭 legit nobody i showed it to could tell it's her.

[poweringthroughthis]

fever dream | nakamoto yuta

nsfw, mdni

pair: yuta x male reader

desc: Being an avid NCTzen for a while now, you can't believe the events that transpire once you finally get to attend the NCT concert in your country, and meet your biggest bias.

warnings: dirty talk, oral, anal s*x

It was most definitely a fever dream. Korean fans are truly lucky with how often they get opportunities to see their favorite artists perform live. The rest of us, on the other hand, check whether the name of our country has been included in the artist's list for the latest world tour, while we happily cheer them on from the confines of our homes. But as they say, good things shall come to those who wait. You never thought such a day would actually come but it has, and here you are, standing at the entrance of the stadium that NCT was set to perform at today!

For obvious reasons, your nerves were all over the place. You couldn't get rid of the giddiness no matter how much you tried to normalize the day mentally. In fact, the idea of soothing your nerves was what brought you here, at the venue.....four hours in advance. The entry gates were closed and security had barely begun overseeing the arrangements. As you took in the surroundings, two or three vans came to a halt in front of the gate. It didn't take much of a genius to guess the Neos had arrived. Your heart started ringing in your eardrums. You were about to see them in the flesh.

They were surrounded by bodyguards from all directions but you could see a comparatively relaxed formation of their security since no fans were here yet. You were admiring the boys from a distance as they came out of the vans in sweats, not wishing to misuse this opportunity and get in their personal space. Then you saw him, and your heart stopped for a second. Your bias, Nakamoto Yuta. He was absolutely ethereal. You almost missed his brief glance at you, chalking it up to your delusions. But it was hard not to faint when he asked the security guard something, pointing discreetly in your direction before he went in, trailing the other members.

The guard gestured you over but you were still somewhat confused. "Hey, you! You're here for the concert, aren't you? Mr. Yuta said you can wait backstage if you want to." Your eyes widened comically. Did you hear that right? You were afraid you were going to need CPR, this was a little too surreal for a random Saturday.

"um, but can I ask why?" you managed to croak out.

"Kid, do I look like I know that? Get in if you want to, or keep standing in the heat. I have work to do." he replied gruffly and you quickly entered the premises.

Finding the green rooms wasn't much of a hassle, with the halls being void of anyone and a door reading 'NCT 127' in ginormous font. The rooms must be divided based on subunits, you figured. The door made a creaking noise as you you shakily opened it and peeked inside.

Only one person was present, you couldn't see their face since they had their back towards you but it was easy to confirm by their hair color. It was Yuta. He seemed to be busy, either doing vocal warm ups or texting, but you had to clear this misunderstanding. "Hi? Um, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting but-"

"No, it's fine. You can come in." he turned around, smiling at you. He had a smile so radiant, you wondered how many hearts he had already captured with that smile alone. "I told the security to let you in."

"Uh, thanks? I think there has been a huge misunderstanding, I don't know you personally but you're free to correct me if I'm wrong." you replied, slightly more nervous now. He raised his eyebrow at that and motioned you to go on. "But, you're like a celebrity and I'm a nobody. I just want to make sure you're not mistaking me for someone else and you aren't in trouble or anything. It's okay if you need me to leave."

"Well, I've never met a 'nobody' before." he grinned, "You are very attractive, if I'm being honest. And you're welcome to stay as long as you want."

"T-thank you"

He was sitting on the sofa, the one closest to the door and he patted the space beside him, motioning you to sit down. You were unsure if that was appropriate, considering you had met the guy not even five minutes ago but it didn't feel right to deny.

"What's your name, cutie?"

"Uh, it's y/n"

"That's cute. Do you have any social media?"

"Y-yes."

"Let me follow you then, I don't really post but I'd like seeing pictures of you."

"Um, okay. If you want to, I mean." you were a stuttering mess, you couldn't believe this was happening. He followed your instagram handle, liking a few posts before following and you had never felt more self conscious in your life. You wanted to hide, you knew the pictures he was liking were all your cringey photos and selfies from your rare confidence boosts.

"Hey, are you shy around me?"

"Y-yes...sorry, this is really overwhelming. I've just been such a big fan for the longest-"

"A fan, huh? Tell me, is it a big turn off if I kissed you right now?"

You stared at him incredulously. "Um, well...I'm not sure if you're asking for my opinion."

"Oh, but I am." he smirked, moving closer. He had a hand placed on your thigh and his face was mere inches away. "What's the verdict?"

"No, not a turn off. Not at all." you said, barely above a whisper.

"Great. You're a sweet little thing if I've ever seen one." he said before closing the gap and capturing your lips in a gentle kiss. It was slow and sensual. He tasted like strawberry, probably because of the lip balm you thought.

Your hands went up to caress his face, and he placed his hands on your waist, bringing you even closer. You couldn't tell how much time had passed, the two of you were completely engrossed in each other. His hand trailed down to your ass and gave it a squeeze, eliciting a surprised gasp. You didn't want to, but you broke the kiss and stared at him.

"I'm not going to push you if you don't want this, I'd like to have your consent."

"I want it."

"Are you sure? We're complete strangers, you have no reason to trust me."

"I know, but I've had a crush on you for a long time. You can do whatever you want, honestly"

"Fuck, that's hot. I don't know how I'm gonna control myself, but I'm willing to try."

With that, he went back to kissing you. He started getting a little more aggressive with his movements, sucking your lower lip. He slowly trailed his tongue on your bottom lip, asking for entrance and you opened your mouth slightly, letting his tongue in. He was so experienced, you could only melt in his arms. You tried your best to keep up but were mostly overwhelmed. It was..your first steamy encounter, after all.

You broke the kiss, a string of saliva still connecting your mouths. Yuta stared at you with lust filled eyes, a smirk plastered on his face. "You're doing so good for me, kitten."

"I am?"

"Yeah, I'm going to make you feel good, so good." He got up and locked the door, turning back towards you and you realized that this was happening. He went back to sit next to you, bringing his lips back onto yours, his hands going under your shirt. You moaned softly as his fingers grazed your nipple. "You're so sensitive."

You broke the kiss. "Yuta, I'm a virgin."

He groaned and kissed your neck. "I can't believe I get to pop your cherry." He continued trailing kisses down your neck, his hands squeezing your nipples. Your hands roamed his back and shoulders, enjoying the way his muscles rippled under your touch.

"Take your shirt off, baby." He removed his own shirt, exposing his well built upper body. You felt yourself grow wetter just by looking at him. His body was truly godlike, his toned muscles glistening. You couldn't help but stare.

"You're so beautiful" he whispered. "You're going to look even more beautiful once I'm done with you." He started unbuttoning your shirt, taking it off completely and throwing it away. Your breath hitched, your body was exposed and Yuta was staring at it like a starved animal. He bent his head down and captured a nipple between his lips, licking and sucking, his fingers teasing the other. You were a moaning mess, the feeling was too much.

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes, god yes"

"Good. Tell me, have you ever touched yourself, baby?"

"Y-yes"

"And what were you thinking about when you did it?"

"You"

He groaned at that and pulled down your pants, along with your underwear. He kissed his way down from your chest to your thighs. His mouth was hovering over your dick and he looked up at you with a devilish smirk, "I'm going to suck you off, is that alright?"

"Please, I've never felt anyone's mouth down there"

"Good." He started by giving a tentative lick and you whimpered. He smirked and licked the underside, swirling his tongue around the tip. He slowly took the whole thing in his mouth and you threw your head back, moaning.

"F-fuck, feels so good"

He was bobbing his head, his tongue swirling around your dick, his cheeks hollowed. The feeling was incredible, you had never felt anything like it. You were bucking your hips and gripping his hair, trying not to cum.

"Cum in my mouth, baby"

And you were a goner. This was the craziest day ever. Yuta just said that to you. You wished you could replay the sound of that a hundred times over.

You came in his mouth, and he swallowed it all, moaning. He stood up and licked his lips. You were a panting mess, coming down from your high.

"You're such a good boy for me"

"M-more"

"Don't worry, we're not done yet"

He started undoing his belt, taking his pants off and throwing them aside. He was wearing a pair of black boxers, and his erection was evident. He pulled them down, his dick springing free and you were in awe. It was big, and thick, and you couldn't help but stare. He chuckled, "Like what you see?"

"Yes, it's so big"

"And it's all yours, baby." He stroked himself a few times, his precum leaking. "Are you ready, kitten?"

"Yes"

"Get on your knees." You obediently got down on your knees, facing away from him. He lined his dick with your entrance, rubbing it against your hole. You nodded. He slowly pushed the tip in, and it felt like your whole body was on fire.

"Fuck, you're so tight"

He grabbed your hips, and started thrusting, slowly. You were moaning and whimpering, the feeling was so intense. You had never felt anything like it. You were being stretched open, your hole being filled to the brim.

"Y-Yuta, faster"

"You like that, huh? You like my cock?"

"Y-yes, I love it"

He picked up the pace, his thrusts becoming faster. "Thought you were innocent, baby. Who would have guessed you'd turn out to be such a slut."

"Fuck, Yuta!"

"That's right, say my name."

You were being pounded into the floor, and you were loving every second of it. He was fucking you so good, his cock hitting your sweet spot. You were moaning and whimpering, unable to hold back.

"Fuck, you're so sexy. I'm close."

He chuckled. "My sweet little angel, you can't get enough of me."

You were close to climaxing, the pleasure was so intense, you could barely think straight. You were a moaning mess, Yuta was grunting and breathing heavily. He was pounding into you, his thrusts becoming more erratic.

"After today, I'll make sure you keep coming back for more. Make you feel good, just like this. Gonna ruin you for anyone else. You'll be begging for my cock, and only my cock."

"Fuck, Yuta!" You cried out, nearing your orgasm, his dirty talk sending you over the edge. You could tell you wouldn't last much longer.

"I'll turn you into a dumb cock slut. I'll train you to take my dick in your ass every day. I'll fuck you so hard, you won't be able to walk."

"Please, fuck me harder. Make me yours."

"You'll be walking to the concert ground funny. You'll be so fucked out, you won't be able to function. I'll make sure of that."

"F-fuck, Yuta!"

With that, you were both pushed over the edge, and you came, hard. Your vision went white, and your body was wracked with pleasure. You could feel him filling you up, his warm seed filling your ass as he pulled your head back towards him, neck straining as he sloppily kissed you.

You were both panting and spent. You had just had sex with the man of your dreams. He was still inside of you, and he was still kissing you. It was a passionate kiss, and you could feel his adoration for you. You were so lucky.

"You did so good for me, baby." He whispered. "Such a good boy for me."

You were too blissed out to reply. Your brain was not cooperating with the rest of your body, still in a state of euphoria.

"Let's get you cleaned up."

Yuta picked you up bridal style, taking you to the bathroom, your head resting on his chest. You had never felt so loved.

"Give me your number? I promise we can sneak off to a date whenever I'm off schedules. It won't be that easy, I know."

"I'd like that."

"It's a date then. I hope I didn't disappoint" he smirked.

"I should be asking that. I was a virgin."

"Baby, I'm happy you chose me. And if I may add, you were amazing. If not for the security standing outside, I'd have kept fucking you throughout the night."

"Oh god, please don't make me blush"

"I'll make it up to you."

And he did. The next concert stop, you found yourself on his bed, naked, being ravaged by him. And the day after that, and the day after that. Soon the two of you were something more, and neither person could have asked for more.

Maybe reaching the concert venue too early wasn't as stupid as you'd thought.

[nebulousbrainsoup]

Silk & Spice [Teaser]

SUMMARY: You're here to forget your worries, and who better to help you than not just one but two beautiful men? Here's hoping you haven't bit off more than you can chew. PAIRING: incubi!jihan x fem!reader GENRE: smut (none this teaser), suggestive AU/TROPE: demon au WORD COUNT: 548 this teaser WARNINGS: party setting, evil twins evil twinning RATING: mature A/N: happy birthday to shua! i'd love to be posting the full version of this today, but my winter collabs have taken over my life. so here's a little teaser from the standalone prequel to the rest of the demonteen universe featured in my halloween mini collab with @justhere4kpop. huge shout out to @hobeemin for the banner and dividers <3 i am in love with them masterlist | join my taglist | buy me a coffee?

Your overly carefree attitude was what drew Joshua toward you in the first place, a hint of something sour lacing your otherwise pleasant scent. It was a front, clearly; one he fully intended to break through. He flashed a smirk over his shoulder as he dropped Jeonghan’s hand and carefully sidled up next to you, his brother following suit on your other side. Your eyes blinked open as your arm brushed against the elder, startling and stumbling back into Joshua’s chest. He reached a careful hand out to steady you, meeting your wide, doe-eyed stare with a soft smile.

“I’m so sorry, we didn’t mean to startle you,” he called over the music, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture once you were steady. “You just looked like you were having so much fun, we were hoping we could join you.”

Your eyes narrowed warily, and Jeonghan flashed a smirk from over your shoulder, cocking an eyebrow at him in challenge. The look was gone quickly as you turned, letting your eyes drag over him before you returned it to Joshua, giving him the same treatment. On any normal night, you’d scoff and turn them away without a second thought. With your recent rejection fresh in your mind, though, the prospect of a night spent with one or both of the gorgeous men beside you was a very appealing one. Their presence was intoxicating already, and you felt yourself leaning subconsciously into them. Slowly, the tension in your body eased, a smirk spreading over your features.

“I don’t see why not.”

Joshua grinned, taking half a step closer to you as he finally let his gaze rake over your body. “Fantastic,” he practically purred, a glint of something mischievous in his eyes. “I’m Joshua, by the way.”

Before you could return his greeting, you were cut off, his friend’s arms settling loosely on your hips as he settled behind you. “Jeonghan,” he muttered, his breath sending a shudder down your spine. 

“Y/N,” you breathed, leaning back into him. “I’m Y/N. I take it you two are a package deal?”

They both chuckled to themselves as Joshua slotted himself in front of you, taking your hands and settling them on his shoulders. “You don’t seem too bothered by that.”

You hummed, shaking your head as you let yourself melt between the pair, the warmth of their bodies wrapping around you to dull the noise of the party. “Bothered? No. Curious, yes,” you hummed, reaching up to card a hand into Joshua’s hair. “Why do you need little ol’ me when you’ve got each other?” 

To your surprise, the quieter man behind you barked a laugh, his grip tightening on your hips. “You misunderstand, lovely. We’re not interested in one another. We just happen to have similar tastes.” You grinned, glancing at him out of the corner of your eye. The darkness in his gaze sent a shudder down your spine. “And a penchant for competition.”

Breath catching in your throat, you turned your startled gaze back to the man in front of you. He wore a similar expression to his friend as he pressed further into your space, sandwiching you between them. “What do you say, darling? Care to find out who can please you better?”

© December 2023 nebulousbrainsoup | all rights reserved. reposting and translating of author’s work is prohibited.

[boltdrake]

Ok about moral greyness in elden ring fandom

I feel like it’s mostly treated as either some kind of badass cosmetics for a GoodGuy (like “my blorbo is cool and good and kind but you know they kill people - bad people, so it’s not bad but it’s not also your Jesus guy which is normal bc who would give their second cheek”) or some kind of euphemism used by bad/problematic/pseudo intellectual people to erase morality

I’m bad problematic pseudo intellectual person so take my opinion with grain of salt, but I think it’s a great misunderstanding or what a morally grey character is in ER especially

It’s usually based on the that understanding of goodness that to be good you just need to do good things and don’t do bad things (which is of course extremely vague and not defined but anyways). It’s seems pretty straightforward and because of that brings a lot of confusion

It’s quite easy for a character to be GoodGood (even with murders but I digress), you can see it in many fix-it fanworks where often every trouble finds its own, well, fixing, and there’s always a way to set things right, maybe just with some sad deaths along the way, but characters often will find this correct way because in these universes there’s always at least one

(It’s not a rant on fanfiction I like it and I like fix-its very VERY much)

And when same logic is applied to the game itself, often arises treatment of characters as GoodGood, MisleadedGood and BadBad ones

But in the stories we see in Elden Ring context is usually such that when a character wants to get something, even something good, like for example make people live forever or cure their own sister, there’s sometimes no way of resolving their trouble without facing some kind of moral choice, even if you’re a literal half-god. You either get what you want with a price, or don’t get it… also with a price. Because fromsoftware stories are build on conflict, tragedy and irony

That’s what makes character grey, the fact there’s no third option or that you don’t have third option just because world is that way and you’re unlucky. And not choosing to get what you want can be as bad as choosing opposite. And that’s what usually makes situation complex and twisted and inherently grey

I don’t want to say that like every person in fandom should treat all the characters as mostly good ones without making some way less sympathetic than others. Making characters twisted and horrible is fun! I’m just tired of the way how people 1) don’t realise there’s often HUGE room for interpretation and make it problem of others 2) hate characters with such a passion as they were real humans who live in your neighbourhood on planet earth 2024 3) sanitise characters into strictly Good and Bad ones etc etc etc

My whole vent on Miquella’s hatebase is in fact divided into two parts, one being me thinking many people just lack understanding of the DLC/base game ideas and plot, but that’s ok we all have different opinions (I’m just the only one who is correct. LIVE WITH THAT.), and second being that vague ??rudeness?? and hatred which accompanies division on Morally Good and Morally Bad, because there’s this subtle idea like. Oh if you like Godrick/Rykard/Post-DLC Miquella / Seluvis then you’re moral pervert/ lover of Dark. Which is rarely true and really annoys me

I also have no trouble with GoodGood characters being GoodGood because, well. it’s comforting and cozy stuff. But often it turns into token of moral superiority, like look I love GoodGood guy because I’m good too and also not stupid. This is also annoying and I wish we had less of this in fandom.

It’s often also a lie to oneself, because even if we approach elden ring from I Can Simp Only Morally Pure ones (which is very boring and butchers the whole thing in my opinion) then we would probably be left with only Boc, Hewg and maybe Roderika. What do you mean you want to simp LITERAL murderers?? What do you mean you want to simp those assholes demigods who think that people are just dolls for their games, who turned the land into land of the dead because they just couldn’t stop war after war after war to decide who will make new order? What do you mean you want to simp the demigod who quit the war to do literally nothing to stop it???? CRINGE

Also GoodGood character headcanon making without self-awareness often results in very weird moral twists of its own, because in this logic character is allowed to make only GoodGood decisions, therefore all the stuff character made in canon MUST be good and morally justified. This leads to something like Marika fans writing essays on the topic You Can In Fact Deserve Genocide

Enough for today have a good day fellow dlc lovers 💪

Upd posted this on main by accident got jumpscared it’s so hard to copy past on mobile for some reason. No edgy on main I promised!!

[bigtreefest]

Chapter 6: Missing Someone

From: Bigger Houses Series

Pairing: Mountain Ranger! Ari x Reader

Summary: It’s time to tell all and talk about each other’s pasts

Word Count: 2,417

Content/Warnings: ANGST, kissing, use of pet names, no-good exs, crying and near-crying, miscommunication but it’s resolved

Author’s Note: I was gonna make it bad, but then I realized, it’s not like this couple to have a huge blowout fight and misunderstanding. They’re too good at talking it out.

Shoutout to my childhood friend I visited last week for helping me write this. He won’t read it, but I appreciate him indulging my thought process. Likes, comments, reblogs, and asks are sooooo welcome and appreciated!!

Dividers by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more

Below is the song which inspired this chapter. It makes me very sad tbh. I skip it a lot when listening.

< Prev | Series Masterlist | Next >

You and Ari were going to build a new dresser in your bedroom. It had been nearly six months of being together officially. Your old furniture was breaking down already, so the two of you had gone shopping. Ari insisted he was just going so that he could provide his truck for hauling it, but you knew that wasn’t the case when he turned down the first three you liked.

“No, that one won’t match the wood grains of your cabin.”

“What’s the material on that one? Pressed composite? No good.”

“Sure Duchess, that one could work…if you’re blind.”

You rolled your eyes at that last one,

holding back a laugh. Sure, those were valid reasons, but any minor criticism was something you took personally. He didn’t even live with you! Finally, you’d gotten him to agree to a nice, subtle piece that complemented your bed frame without clashing against the rest of the cabin. The only issue was, you had to build it.

Once the two of you had gotten home from the furniture store, you were exhausted. Not only from the shopping, but from long drive since you had to go to the nearest city with hopes of finding anything good.

After eating dinner, you and Ari settled on the couch together, cuddling to catch up on the show you two were binging at the moment. Sure, you usually preferred to do things away from screens, but sometimes, there was nothing that could replace classic, trashy TV. The dresser could wait. Ari was laying on his back and you were laying directly on top of him, ear over his steady heartbeat until you drifted to sleep.

You began to stir awake and stretch when you realized the TV wasn’t playing anymore. Strong hands stroked your back and your eyelids fluttered open. Your sleepy pupils sparkled and dilated as you moved your chin to Ari’s chest to see him looking down at you the same way, him not even realizing the way he smiled when you were within this eye sight.

“Well good morning handsome.” Your voice was full of sleep.

“Good morning.” Ari leaned forward to kiss your nose as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Looks like it really is morning. 2:47 am.”

You hummed in response. “I think we kinda threw off our sleep schedule with what was supposed to be a nap.”

Ari nodded and laughed. “Oh definitely. But now we’ve got all this time to be productive. You wanna build that dresser?”

You groaned and threw your head into his chest, smushing it your nose and mouth. “Yeah, I guess so.”

You groaned and sighed before your muffled voice came out against his pecs again. “Lemme go pee first.”

You pushed off of Ari’s chest, causing him to exhale most of the air in his lungs with a laugh before he watched you scurry to the bathroom.

Ari got up and walked toward your room to get started on the dresser while he waited for you. Just as he sat on the floor straddling the instructions and some spare parts, he heard a buzzing coming from the nightstand, lighting up your dim bedroom.

“Duchess, your phone is ringing.” He yelled out the bedroom door.

“You can get it. I’ll be out soon. It could be important since they’re calling this time of night.” He heard your faint response.

With a groan, Ari stood up again and took the few large strides towards your nightstand, picking up the phone off the charger. The number wasn’t saved.

“Hello?”

“Hey, is that you? I miss you s’much. You should come over.” A man slurred from the other side of the line.

Ari was confused. He knew the area code of the phone number wasn’t from around here, but who was this man and why was he calling at this hour?

“Who is this?” Ari gritted out the words. He was beginning to feel something. There was anger, there was frustration. He was hurt that this seemed like something that was kept from him. The man on the other side of the line continued to call out your name.

“It’s me. It’s Oscar. Where are you? My bed’s cold.”

That got Ari. It hit him where it hurts and he felt a pang in his chest. He hung up the phone and stalked over to the bathroom where you were washing your hands as his hands shook. You hadn’t looked up yet.

“Hey Bear, was it anything important?” You were met with silence, only Ari’s heavy breathing and the sound of running water filling the air. When he finally spoke up, you could hear a near-growl in his voice.

“Who is Oscar?” Your head darted up and your wide eyes met his through the mirror. You shut off the water, dried your hands, and turned around.

“He’s no one. No one that we should be concerned about, anyway. Why did he call?”

You could see the worry on Ari’s brow and the tears that threatened to fill his reddening eyes. “He said his bed was cold. He misses you. Is there something I don’t know?”

You broke your gaze with Ari, looking at your shifting feet on the cool floor while you fiddled with your fingertips. You took a deep breath and a step towards Ari, surprised by him taking a step back. He’d been hurt before and he didn’t need it coming from you, too. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his distance.

“Oscar is my ex. I should’ve known it would be him calling at this hour.” Ari’s look of hurt took on even more emotion; it was his turn to be confused.

“So he calls you often at this time of night? When I’m not around? And you don’t tell me? Do you always pick it up?”

You shook your head, reaching out to Ari, glad that this time he let your set your hands on his waist.

“No.” You whispered back, your watery gaze meeting his. “I know you and I have been a little private with our pasts, but I think it’s time we tell each other everything.”

Ari nodded as you followed him to the couch. A place where you two had just had your bodies pressed together found you sitting on opposite ends, your legs criss-crossed in front of you and Ari’s long legs out to the side. You weren’t touching at all as you pulled a pillow up against your chest for comfort and took a deep breath, preparing to start.

You told Ari everything. All about the relationship. The expectations, the lies, the late night phone calls, the broken promises, the new girl after the breakup. He nodded along, keeping a mostly level face, although he maintained a mild layer of disgust. How could someone so awful keep you for so long? You were too good for Oscar. Heck, Ari thought to himself, you were too good for him, too. But he would spend the rest of his life becoming better for you if he had to.

As Ari was taking it all in, you continued on. “Mostly during the relationship, but even for a few months after, he would still call me late at night. It’s been over a year since the last time. I honestly thought he would’ve forgotten all about me by now. I don’t have his contact saved anymore. Something must’ve happened, though. But it’s not my problem. He was always whiskey drunk and saying he missed me, just like this time, but I knew that wasn’t the case.”

You looked up at Ari. He seemed like he was beginning to understand. “When we were dating, I fell for it. I fell for all the sweet, yearning things he would say, and I’d come over. We’d dance down the hallway and fall into his bed. We’d lay there and talk, well, it was almost always him doing the talking and lying until the sun came up. I really lost my voice over that whole thing.”

Ari felt such deep sadness for you. His favorite thing was when you would talk passionately about something random or speak your mind against the popular opinion. To hear that someone took that away, someone didn’t appreciate you and your amazing qualities, made him want to scream. His jaw clenched and he kept his silence, grateful for the full insight on your life. If Ari ever met Oscar, well, who knows what would happen to that punk?

Your voice began to break as you sniffled. “I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me, or break my heart, but I felt used. Like I was a late night lonely drug. I know he thought he loved me, and he would say that I was all he wanted, but I think he just wanted someone. At one point, I wished that I was that one he wanted, but I think a part of me always knew I wasn’t.”

Ari had crept closer again over the duration of your story. He pulled you in tight to his chest and rubbed your back as you wept, tears staining his old t-shirt. He had no idea how someone so awful could bring down someone so amazing, so angelic. You were everything. The sun rose and and set on you for Ari.

He pulled away and set his eyes deeply on yours, his hands holding your fingers. “I’m so sorry, Angel. I’m sorry you had to go through that. You deserve the world. Anyone who can’t see that was never worthy to even be in your presence.” He kissed your forehead and your eyes gently closed at the gesture as a soft smile graced your face again at his true, genuine sweetness.

“You are the world. You’re my world, and I’m going to spend as long as I have to so you can see how much you mean to me. Every day, I’m going to do everything I can to give you the love you deserve. To show you just how much I really, truly, honestly love you.”

You sat there, mouth agape in shock. There it was. That was the first time either of you had dared to say the L-word to each other. It wasn’t haphazardly thrown out there as a last-ditch effort to stay. It wasn’t overused and thin. It was heavy, it was intentional, and it was true. It carried such a weight to it, but your were sure Ari wouldn’t have dropped it had he not meant the word with his whole soul.

You felt it too, though. That was the part that astounded you. There was no other person who you believed could ever hold a place so fitting for the word love. There was only Ari.

“I love you, too.” You spoke firmly, gazing into his bright blue eyes, lit up extra from his beaming smile. His hand moved up to your cheek and he leaned in for a kiss. His soft lips met yours as your tongues danced together. There was no greed, no rush. Just love.

When you pulled away, you rested your foreheads against each other. You sighed and giggled. “While I’m out here being honest. I feel like there’s something else I should tell you.”

Ari’s head tilted to the side, confused on what other bombshell you could be hiding. The truth was, you had never been completely forthright with your thoughts.

“Did I do something to make you feel like you couldn’t be honest with me before?” You could hear the wavering in his tone. After such a vulnerable moment, what else could be coming?

“No, no, that’s not at all what’s going on. It’s just…ugh….” You were beginning to grow frustrated with yourself. There was so much you kept locked inside as a result of how Oscar hurt you. You were elated it was coming out for Ari to see. He deserved to know every side of you, but words were hard to formulate in the right way.

“I’m sorry. I want to communicate more openly with you. But it’s scary. I thought when you found out about everything with Oscar, you’d judge me for it. You’d look at me differently.” He shook his head, about to speak up before you cut him off.

“I want to be able to explain it all fully. I should’ve told you all this sooner. I knew once I gave you everything, it would lock me in. It would have solidified everything in a way we can’t come back from. You knowing all the details of my life. I didn’t want it to blow up, because I knew if it did, I would never recover. If I’m being honest, I was so scared to give it all over to you because I’ll never get it back.”

Ari’s blew out a puff of air, processing your words. He simply nodded, allowing you to finish. He completely understood where you were coming from. To trust someone so deeply again after pain like that was the scariest thing he could think of, and he was going through it, too. He was just glad you did trust him. Because he’d give you everything you deserved and more in a heartbeat. The two of you weren’t locked in to anything bad at all, you were just securing yourselves in something you already knew.

After all the heaviness, you made an attempt to lighten the mood. “And, I think you should know, I’m completely capable of assembling a dresser by myself. There are just some times I ask you for help because I want to spend time with you. Not because I need it.”

You winked and Ari heartily laughed in response. “Is that also why you asked me if I needed help cooking dinner last week?”

It was your turn to laugh, throwing you head back before pulling it forward and shaking it back and forth. “No. Sometimes I offer help because I can’t stand to watch as you do something wrong.”

Ari playfully rolled his eyes and pulled you in close for one of his signature bear hugs. He spoke into your hair. “Well, I’m just happy you keep me around. And I’m always happy to do whatever, right by your side, like a true partner. I love you.”

You both inhaled each other’s scents deeply. “I love you, too.”

When you pulled away, Ari opened up and told you everything about his past, too.

Next >

Bonus A/N: reverence is rare and lies are plentiful

Series Taglist:

@patzammit

@hawkeyes-queen

@identity2212

[fireladybuckley]

let the words fall out

coda/speculation for 7x05

T || 6.04k || canon compliant

Buck didn't think he'd ever felt quite so nervous to get out of his car and head into the station as he did after what had happened on Saturday night.  Not on his very first day at the 118.  Not on the day he’d returned to work after the lightning strike.  Not even on his first day back after the lawsuit.

The date with Tommy - it had been going great, until suddenly it hadn't. Eddie's arrival had sent Buck's nerves into overdrive and he'd already been feeling jittery and nervous, it being his first ever date with another man. Tommy had told him to relax, it was okay, it was just Eddie. No big deal. No big deal that his best friend, who had no idea what had transpired between him and Tommy yet, was sitting just far enough away to be out of earshot, but plenty close enough that Buck knew if he turned his head even slightly to the left, he'd see Eddie and Marisol sitting there, clear as day. He could feel Eddie's eyes boring into the side of his head. He could imagine the expression on Eddie's face... trying to figure out exactly what was happening, what he and Tommy were talking about, wondering why Buck hadn't mentioned he was suddenly hanging out with Tommy.

No big deal.

Sure.

or: the one where Buck and Eddie have a huge misunderstanding about the whole Buck/Tommy thing and angstiness goes down

read on Ao3 Thank you to @firemedicdiaz for being my beta reader, as always (love you bb) All line dividers by @firefly-graphics

Tommy had been sweet, doing his best to distract Buck and keep him from spiraling. He’d asked questions about Buck's life and interests and Buck did his best to engage and make conversation, but he felt stiff and anxious the entire time. He doubted Eddie was actually staring at him 100% of the time, but it certainly felt like it, and try as he might, Buck just couldn't force himself to relax. He picked at his food and as soon as Tommy was done eating, Buck had seized the opportunity and suggested they go elsewhere.

Tommy had agreed and they'd left; Tommy waved a friendly goodbye to Eddie as Buck reluctantly turned to glance over at him. He raised a hand in an awkward wave and Eddie's eyes briefly met his. Eddie's expression, which had been a polite smile when returning Tommy's wave, turned more serious and almost cold as he gave Buck a small nod and then looked back down at his food. Feeling a sudden, anxious tightness in his chest, Buck swallowed hard and turned away, following Tommy out of the restaurant. Was Eddie mad at him?

It was a good thing he had been the one driving them because he had a hard time spiraling in his head while paying attention to the road in addition to keeping up a conversation. They went to a nearby pub for a couple of drinks and Tommy was engaging enough that Buck managed to mostly put the matter aside in his mind. After a few hours of talking and laughing, Buck felt at ease again. When he brought Tommy home and was invited in, he agreed, thinking he'd spend a little while there and then head home. He ended up spending the night, and between the making out, the heavy petting, and the early morning murmurings, he was more than distracted enough to completely forget about how Eddie had looked at him.

That was, until he went home the next morning and sat in his empty loft for a while. The euphoria from connecting so deeply with Tommy, the excitement of the rushing feelings of a potential new love, the exhilaration of exploring this side of himself that he'd never realized was there carried him through showering, putting his things away, and making himself some food.

But as he sat there and ate his breakfast, he suddenly remembered the cool look Eddie had given him and felt his giddiness ebb. Had he just been imagining it? Or had Eddie looked almost... angry? He'd been so excited when he'd spotted the two of them, clearly happy that they were getting along, but what if the change in demeanor had happened because he'd realized it was a date? Was he angry that Buck had moved in on his new friend? Or was he angry that Buck, whom he'd thought was straight until that moment, was actually not straight at all?

It had all happened so fast that Buck hadn't had a chance to come out to Eddie - hell, he'd barely had time to absorb the idea himself, let alone tell anyone else. Looking back, his being bi made an incredible amount of sense, but looking forward, it still felt different and new. He wasn't even sure what he would say when he told people.  Wasn't it unusual for people to come out this late?  Hen had told him once that she'd known she was gay since she was a young teen. Other queer friends he'd had had said similar; they'd known since childhood or at least their teen years.

Buck knew it wasn't exactly unheard of for people in their thirties or older to come out, but it felt unexpectedly awkward when he thought about announcing it to everyone, so he had shelved the idea for the time being. He'd thought that maybe going on a few dates with Tommy would make it feel more real, give him something to build on before he said anything; he hadn't counted on anyone - especially not Eddie - immediately finding out on his very first date.

Gnawing on his lower lip, Buck pulled out his phone and opened up the text screen for Eddie, noting that there were no new messages. Not necessarily an odd thing given that he and Marisol had also been out on a date the night before, but still - after seeing him and Tommy together, Buck had kind of expected texts asking how it had happened. Swallowing another small ripple of anxiety, Buck shot Eddie a text.

Hey Eddie, so... how did your date go last night? Great pizza there, right?

Buck winced as he hit send, realizing how terrible the message sounded, but he wasn't sure what else to say. Was he supposed to just be like "Hey Eddie, so you saw me on my very first gay date, surprise! Btw your new friend is super hot"?

No. 

Definitely not.

So he waited. And waited. When he realized Eddie was in no hurry to respond, Buck sighed and finished his breakfast, glancing at his phone every minute or two. Eventually, it finally buzzed. Buck grabbed it so fast he nearly dropped it and fumbled to read the message, which was indeed from Eddie.

It was fine. Yeah, the pizza there is good. Brought some home for Chris and he loved it.

Buck stared at the message, chewing on his lip again. No mention of seeing him or Tommy. No acknowledgement whatsoever of meeting them there, no questions about the situation, nothing. Buck swallowed hard, trying to decide if he should bring it up. Perhaps Eddie was giving him space, letting him decide if he wanted to say anything about it?

Buck spent a good ten minutes typing, then deleting, then typing, then deleting. In the end, he decided he didn't want to have this talk in text, and sent a different message entirely.

Hey, are you busy today? Maybe we could hang out. I could come over or you could come here, either way. If Christopher's not busy he could come too.

Buck expected to wait a while for his reply like he had the first time, and had just set his phone down to take his dishes to the sink when it buzzed again. Heart leaping, he set his plate back down and looked at it.

No, we're busy today. See you at work tomorrow.

Buck's heart sank into his stomach. Eddie usually wasn't so short with him, would usually tell him what they were up to if he couldn't hang out. The immediate shutdown of any chance at a conversation had Buck's blood running cold and he felt anxiety flood through him again. Eventually, he texted back.

Oh, okay. That's okay. See you tomorrow.

Buck set his phone down and covered his face with his hands, rubbed his eyes, ran a hand through his hair. Was he overthinking things? Maybe Eddie really was just busy, maybe he was about to drive somewhere and didn't have time for a proper text. But Buck didn't think so, somehow. Between the look the night before and the bluntness of the texts, the complete absence of acknowledgment of the date... Buck knew something was wrong. But he also didn't want to press Eddie; he knew that could make the situation worse and he was scared that if he said the wrong thing, Eddie would be even more pissed at him.

Clearly, Eddie was not impressed that Buck was moving in on his new friend. Buck knew that Eddie had wanted Tommy and himself to get along, but Buck supposed that going out with Tommy without Eddie had been stepping over a line. Remembering the jealousy he had felt only a few days prior, he wondered if it was a similar situation, that Eddie was hurt that Buck didn't invite him along. Or was it something more?

Buck twisted himself into knots all day long as he went about his daily chores, went to the gym, sat down to watch a TV show. Eddie didn't message him again. Tommy did and Buck spent some time texting with him, but the whole time he just felt this nagging sense of unease.

At least they had a shift the next day. Once they were face to face, Buck could tell Eddie he was sorry he hadn't told him they were going out without him, and resolved to invite him along next time. He still wasn't sure whether Eddie knew it had been a date date or just an outing, but he wasn't sure if it mattered - in his mind, Eddie was mad because Buck went behind his back and invited Tommy out without him, nothing more.

So, that morning, Buck pulled up to the station and sat in his car for a minute, glancing around the lot. Eddie's truck was already there and Buck took a few deep breaths before he jumped out and headed inside. His only goal that day was to smooth things over with Eddie, unable to stand the idea that his best friend was mad at him, filled with the need to make it right.

Buck walked into the station with his bag slung over his back, searching for Eddie as he headed towards the lockers. People greeted him and he nodded, returning the greetings distractedly as he passed them, eyes peeled. He made it to his locker without seeing Eddie so he quickly ditched his stuff and changed into his uniform, then headed upstairs to the kitchen. Eddie was seated at the counter, drinking coffee and talking to Bobby. Buck's heart skipped a beat when he saw him and he started forward, but before he could even get close, the tones went off.

"We're starting early today, I guess," Bobby sighed, setting down the baking tray he'd been about to put in the oven. Everyone got up and hurried downstairs and Buck was just about to greet Eddie as he moved to jump up into the back when Bobby called over to him.

"Buck, you're driving today!"

"Oh," Buck said, stopping short as Eddie darted past him without a word. "Okay, Cap."

Buck hopped up into the driver's seat, making a plan in his head for when they returned, how he'd corner Eddie and talk to him. But the entire day went like that - every time they came back to the station and Buck approached Eddie, the tones went off and they had to run again. All day and evening, Buck was unable to start a conversation with Eddie, and even during mealtimes, Eddie was seated too far from him to have any kind of private conversation.

At first, Buck thought it was all just a coincidence, but after lunch, supper, and a late night meal came and went without Eddie being closer than three seats away, he was starting to suspect it was on purpose. All night, whenever they didn't have a call, Eddie made sure he was near other people and while Buck could join them, it was impossible to have any kind of private chat. Every time he tried to talk to him, Eddie would answer politely enough but he refused to meet Buck's eyes and quickly changed the subject or engaged someone else in conversation.

Twenty hours into the twenty four, Buck noticed Eddie moving away from the group to head towards the washroom and, desperate to connect with him, Buck followed, lurking nearby the door as he waited for him to finish. Maybe he was standing a little too close because the door swung open and nailed the back of his boot, not hurting him but causing a loud thunk noise that startled both of them.

"Whoa, sorry - oh." Eddie's tone was light and apologetic at first, not knowing who he'd hit with the door, but his tone dropped and he frowned as he saw who it was.

"Buck, what are you doing? Did you really follow me to the bathroom?"

Buck swallowed, suddenly unable to speak, his mouth dry. Eddie was clearly unhappy to see him there and it was so different from his usual reception that it made Buck feel like he wanted to cry.

"I, well- you- you didn't really give me a choice," Buck said nervously, stumbling over his words. "I've been trying to talk to you all day."

"I know," Eddie replied dryly, looking everywhere but into Buck's gaze.

"Oh..." Buck swallowed. "You knew I wanted to? Then why—"

"Because I don't want to talk to you right now," Eddie said flatly, staring at a spot over Buck's left shoulder.

The colour drained from Buck's face as he stared at Eddie, feeling dizzy, feeling like the world was spinning, feeling like he was about to explode into a million miserable pieces.

"W-what? Why? W-why don't you—" Buck asked, his voice wavering as he struggled to keep it together.

"Do you really not have any clue why I might be irritated with you right now?" Eddie asked sharply, glancing directly at him for a split second before avoiding his eyes again.

"I..." Buck faltered, hesitating. "Is it because I didn't tell you that Tommy and I were going out together? I swear we weren't trying to exclude you or anything, it just kind of happened, and-"

"Buck, I don't care if you have other friends. Hell, I really wanted you and Tommy to get along." Eddie said in a tone that Buck was having a hard time identifying.  Was it anger? Resentment? Annoyance? Buck couldn't tell and he was getting frustrated. Why wouldn't Eddie just look at him?

"Wanted... like past tense?" Buck asked cautiously. "Do you not still want us to?"

"Well, I think you're probably getting along better than I ever would have suspected," Eddie said, in that same unidentifiable tone. He paused for a moment and then added - still without making eye contact - in a biting tone that stung Buck with every word.  "That was a date, right? Not just dinner between friends? Are you two actually dating?"

Buck felt like the ground was shaking, like a hole was about to open up and swallow him. Or he kind of wished it would, anyway. He felt dizzy; so Eddie knew it was more than friendship, that he and Tommy had been on a date... and he was not happy about it? That tone was sharp, bitter, even angry... and Buck didn't know how to react. Was this really about Tommy? Or something deeper?

A thought that hadn't occurred to Buck suddenly hit him like a freight train; what if Eddie was actually angry that Buck wasn't straight? They had never talked about it before, and though Buck knew Eddie generally had no problem whatsoever with queer people, was it somehow different now that he knew Buck wasn't straight? Could Eddie actually be homophobic? Buck had never even entertained that thought, but as he looked at the anger that Eddie was barely holding back, he felt like he'd just been punched in the face. Hurt coursing through him, he finally found his voice.

"Is that a problem?" Buck asked, his voice smaller than he would've liked. Eddie sniffed in an annoyed way and shook his head like he couldn't believe him, and Buck felt a flicker of anger suddenly well up inside of him.

"Do you have a problem with me? Are you actually pissed that I'm not straight?" Buck asked fiercely, his heart pounding painfully in his chest.

Dead silence.

After another silent moment, Eddie finally looked him full in the face, and Buck was struck dumb by the intensity of the anger and hurt in Eddie's expression. They stared at each other for several long moments, Buck's emotions in turmoil in his gut. Confusion, anger, hurt, fear, all swirling through his insides, threatening to send him toppling to the floor if the silence stretched on any longer. Just as he was about to explode from the tension, Eddie spoke.

"Do you really think so little of me?" Eddie asked, his voice tight with tension, anger, and disbelief. "Do you really think I would have a problem with you being gay?"

Buck stared at him, completely unsure, worried that he'd really fucked up with that question, because he had never seen such an expression on Eddie's face before. And if he was being honest, no, he'd never actually thought that Eddie would have a problem with it, but he was still so angry about something and Buck just didn't understand what it was.

"B-but you've been acting like you hate me since you saw us together," Buck said quickly, his voice shaking, "if it's not that it's Tommy, and it's not that we didn't invite you, then what else could it be if not because I'm--"

"We're done here," Eddie snapped, cutting him off and shaking his head in disgust. Before Buck could say anything, Eddie had stalked quickly down the hallway and disappeared into the kitchen area. Trembling from the adrenaline and anxiety of the confrontation, Buck went into the washroom and sat on a toilet for a long time, his head in his hands, his mind reeling.

There was only one more call before the shift ended and Buck quietly asked Bobby if he could be the man behind. Bobby could clearly see that something was wrong, but Buck shook his head to indicate that he didn't want to get into it and Bobby shrugged.

"Sure, kid. You can stay. But let me know if you need to talk about anything, okay?" Bobby said, looking him directly in the eyes and gripping his shoulder.

Buck nodded, patting Bobby's arm in an attempt to indicate his thanks but not trusting himself to speak. He was exhausted after the shift and with all the emotional turmoil, he was afraid he'd start crying at Bobby's kindness.

The team left and Buck hid in the bunkrooms for most of the rest of the shift. The engine came back just minutes before the shift ended, and Buck watched them stream into the locker rooms from up in the loft, watched Eddie studiously not looking up at him as he headed off to change and then left.

Only once Eddie was gone did Buck himself leave, driving home in a daze without even turning the radio on, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. He eventually found his way into his apartment and started his usual after-shift rituals - undressing, showering, making breakfast. He had poured himself some orange juice and sat down before he even realized what he was doing, so distracted that he wondered vaguely who had made the eggs on his plate, because he certainly did not remember making them.

Halfway through eating, he gave up. He couldn't focus. He kept checking his phone every minute or two. He had a feeling that if he texted or called Eddie, he wouldn't get an answer. Buck knew he wasn't going to be able to get any sleep. There was only one thing he could do.

Abandoning his half-eaten breakfast, Buck grabbed his keys and went back out to his Jeep, determined to fix their issues. It was after eight in the morning, he knew Chris would be gone for school and Eddie would probably be alone.

Buck drove to Eddie's house, squirming and anxious the whole time, wishing it wasn't rush hour as it took nearly twice as long as it should have to get there. Finally he reached the house and sat for a while just looking at it. Part of him didn't even want to go in - the idea of more confrontation made him feel sick. But he also knew he would never get any kind of meaningful rest or even feel normal until they worked out whatever was happening. Eddie was far too important to him to let this slide.

Buck finally steeled himself, took a deep breath, and got out of his Jeep. At the door, he knocked and waited.

Knocked and waited.

Knocked a third time. Waited.

Nothing.

Buck knew Eddie was home; his truck was in the driveway. He supposed that maybe Eddie was sleeping but he doubted it. The anger and hurt Buck had seen in Eddie's eyes had been potent enough that Buck was sure that he wouldn't be able to sleep either. Buck knocked a fourth time; still nothing.

"Come on, Eddie," Buck called through the door. "I know you're home. Let me in."

Still nothing. Frustrated, angry, and now a little worried, Buck decided to take matters into his own hands. Finding Eddie's key on his keyring, he unlocked the front door and slipped inside, locking it again behind him. The house was quiet, the living room empty. Buck stuck his keys back into his pocket and cautiously moved down the hallway into the kitchen.

Eddie was seated at the kitchen table, reading, and Buck saw that he had ear buds in his ears. Feeling slightly relieved because at least he now assumed Eddie hadn't heard him knocking, he started to lift his hand and open his mouth to say hello when Eddie's eyes shifted upwards and found him. He started slightly, then his mildly surprised expression turned into a scowl. He reached up and took the earbuds out, almost glaring at him.

"Seriously, Buck? You just let yourself in? Can't you take a hint?" Eddie asked, irritated, setting down his e-reader and frowning at him. He didn't seem overly surprised that Buck had let himself in, but he didn't sound pleased.

"Well, I— I don't know, I-I wanted to talk to you... plus I thought maybe you didn't hear me knocking?" Buck said, a little hopefully, gesturing to the earbuds on the table.

"Why do you think I was wearing them?" Eddie asked flatly, taking a sip of his coffee. "I thought you'd get the hint after I didn't answer the door, but apparently not."

Buck felt the words hit him like a slap and anger flickered in his gut again - why was Eddie being such a jerk? Okay, Buck understood that clearly Eddie didn't want to talk, but why was he being so rude? It was so unnecessary and the anger made Buck feel stronger, more confident to speak.

"Why are you acting like this?" Buck asked indignantly. "I didn't do anything to you, all I did was go on a date with a guy and now you're— you're acting like— like I mortally offended you because I'm not straight, or-"

Eddie let out a derisive snort and stood, taking his empty coffee cup to the counter, his back turned to Buck. Buck glared at the back of Eddie's head, the anger fueling him into opening his mouth again.

"You claim you don't care that I went out with Tommy," Buck said, the volume of his voice rising, "and you claimed you'd never be angry that I wasn't straight--"

"And I meant it," Eddie snapped, cutting in with a glance over his shoulder, though not turning around. Buck took a breath, trying to reel in his emotions, but kept going on, his voice still rising with emotion.

"Then what is it? What have I done to offend you so much that you won't even look at me? Why are you being such a- a-" Buck sputtered himself into stopping, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him. Eddie turned slowly, scowling, his arms crossed over his chest.

"A what?" he demanded, one eyebrow crooked. "What exactly am I being?" His tone was still irritated, taunting even, and Buck, feeling egged on, didn't hesitate.

"A bitch. You're being a total bitch about this and I don't get it, Eddie." Buck's voice cracked, but he forced himself to stay on track. Eddie was glaring at him, still angry - though Buck suspected he saw the slightest hint of amusement at being called a bitch - and it spurred him on.

"If you're not mad that it's Tommy, if you're not mad that I'm... um, not straight..." Buck swallowed, still struggling to feel normal about saying that when it had only been a few days and he still wasn't used to it. He continued, his voice filled with anger, hurt. "Then what is it? What could I possibly have done to offend you so badly?"

Arms still crossed, Eddie stared down at the floor near Buck's feet as Buck waited, breathing fast, nearly shaking with the adrenaline once again. He expected Eddie to react angrily, to feed off the energy that Buck was putting out, but as he watched, Eddie seemed to deflate.

Eddie let out a deep, ragged sigh and leaned back against the counter, uncrossed his arms, and ran a single hand through his hair. When he finally looked up and met Buck's eyes, Buck could still see anger there, but now he also saw sadness and felt the confusion rising in him again.

"You really don't understand?" Eddie asked, and his voice was much calmer, his tone more resigned than angry. Buck responded to this reduction in intensity and lowered his own voice, though it still shook a little with emotion.

"I don't, Eddie," Buck agreed with some relief, a little bit of desperation colouring his voice now. "Would I be here begging you to tell me what it is if I actually did understand?"

Eddie bobbed his head to the side as though Buck had a point. Buck waited again, on tenterhooks, as Eddie let out another small sigh and looked at him again.

"How long have you known?" Eddie asked quietly, meeting his eyes for a moment but then dropping his gaze to the floor again.

"Known..." Buck repeated, blank. "Known what?"

Eddie gave him a look that said come on, and shook his head a little.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Eddie asked and Buck frowned as he watched the rest of Eddie's anger dissolve, replaced by sadness and a little indignance of his own.

"Tell you--" Buck started, but Eddie kept going.

"I mean, I’d understand if I wasn't the first person you told," Eddie went on, "someone like Hen would make sense, or your sister, or..."

Eddie trailed off and looked up just as it hit Buck what Eddie was talking about.

"Oh! You mean, how long have I known... why didn't I tell you I was... is that what you meant?" Buck asked, realization finally dawning on him as Eddie nodded, a slightly exasperated look on his face.

"Yeah, I mean... when I saw you guys, when I realized it was an actual date... I was like "oh that's cool, I didn't know"... but then I started wondering why I didn't know," Eddie said, standing up straight and starting to pace around the kitchen. Buck wanted to interrupt but found that he couldn't, his eyes glued to Eddie, following his path around the table as he spoke.

"I wondered if you didn't trust me, or you thought I would treat you differently, or..." Eddie seemed to hesitate, but then plowed on. "Or worse, I wondered if you thought I would judge you. That I wouldn't want to be around you because of it."

Buck stared at him, startled by the worry in his voice, feeling a rush of relief and affection for Eddie flooding him as the other man spoke.

"Eddie, no, that's not-- no! I never thought that," Buck tried to assure him, but Eddie's gaze was still worried and a little hard as he met Buck's.

"Are you sure about that? Last night you seemed pretty convinced that I was angry that you were gay."

"Yeah, but that's only because I couldn't figure out why you were mad," Buck said quickly, an earnest edge to his voice. "I'm not entirely sure I understand now, but--"

"I was afraid that you don't know me at all, despite being friends for so long," Eddie admitted.  

"I would never judge you... but I was pissed because suddenly I see you out on a date with a guy that you seemed to despise, and I started wondering if you'd been putting on an act to hide from me that you actually liked him, that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. You seemed so awkward and freaked out that I'd seen you that I started thinking you intentionally hadn't said anything... And yeah I guess I got angry, I was hurt that you hadn't told me, and the idea that you thought I'd judge you for not being straight upset me so much that it turned into-- well, it turned into me being a bitch about it," Eddie finished, a tiny smirk curling the corner of his lips.

Buck let out a small, relieved - but still nervous - laugh and felt himself relax just a little, relieved that now at least he knew what was wrong.

"Eddie, I swear, it was nothing like that. I swear. I don't think you would ever judge me like that. I trust you." Buck told him, and the sincerity in his voice seemed to reassure Eddie, who looked up at him again and held his gaze.

"I believe you. But still, why didn't you tell me? If you didn't think I would judge you, then... why?" Eddie asked, getting a second coffee cup out of the cupboard and filling it and his own with more coffee from the pot. He sat down at the table, and gestured for Buck to do the same, setting the coffee mug in front of him.

"Honestly?" Buck replied as he sat across from Eddie and sighed, curling his fingers around the cup. "I genuinely didn't realize until Tommy kissed me a few days ago."

Eddie had just taken a sip of his coffee and choked a little at those words, coughing and setting down his cup as he looked over at Buck.

"He kissed you, what-- just out of nowhere, or?" Eddie asked, surprised. "I mean, I knew he wasn't straight but I didn't know he was going to ask you out."

"Neither did he," Buck said with a bit of a nervous chuckle, taking a sip of his coffee. He began to tell Eddie what happened, feeling awkward at first but relaxing a little as he spoke. Tommy had been right - it was just Eddie. His best friend. He could tell him anything.

Buck told him about how Tommy had come over to apologize for getting in the way of his and Eddie's friendship, how Buck had realized that while he'd been jealous at first, he'd actually been trying to get Tommy's attention, and then how the kiss had just... happened, and how the date had been made right after, and how Buck had been just as surprised as anyone else would be that he was seriously attracted to Tommy.  To guys in general.

"And you really didn't know?" Eddie asked after a few moments of silence, as Buck drummed his fingers on placemat under his cup, tracing the outline of a dinosaur - a set of prehistoric placemats that Chris had begged for one time when they'd gone to Target together.

"I mean, I think I had suspected, a little," Buck said thoughtfully. "It's definitely never bothered me when someone thought I was gay or anything, and I always felt like there was something... off, you know? Something missing, I guess, when I thought about relationships and who I was attracted to."

Eddie nodded slowly, clearly thinking, and Buck drained his coffee and continued.

"But I guess I didn't realize it in reality until it was right there in front of me," he mused, and Eddie smiled slightly. "What?"

"You didn't realize until what was in front of you - Tommy, or the gay awakening?" Buck laughed and shook his head, lifting his hands slightly as though in surrender.

"I guess they're one and the same in this case," Buck admitted and Eddie laughed. "But I think I'm bi. Bi makes sense, because I do still like women... I just like men too."

Eddie nodded and Buck took it as a gesture of acceptance and love. A much more amicable silence fell over them as Buck, feeling generally at ease but still a tiny bit nervous, fiddled with his cup while Eddie finished his. After a while, Buck looked up and Eddie smiled at him, a teasing glint in his eyes.

"So, is Tommy a good kisser?" Eddie asked, feigning innocence as Buck threw a napkin at him.

"Oh shut up," Buck said, laughing. He paused, thinking about it. "Although... yeah, yeah he is."

Eddie snorted and rose, grabbing their cups and moving back towards the coffee maker.

"The man could charm the birds from the trees, of course he's a good kisser," Eddie commented, pouring them both more coffee and turning around to hand one to Buck. "Do you like him?"

Buck paused, turning the mug slowly in his hands and staring at the swirling milk Eddie had added for him. He wondered if maybe Eddie was hiding something from him too, the way he talked about Tommy, but Buck decided not to bark up that tree just yet.

"Yeah," he answered, slowly at first, but then with more confidence and a smile. "Yeah, I think I really do."

Eddie smiled, and nodded.

"Then I'm cool with it. As long as you're happy, Buck, that's all I care about."

Buck struggled to find words to say, touched by Eddie's acceptance and care for him, but nothing came to him. Eddie seemed to understand and smiled again, reaching out to squeeze Buck's shoulder tightly before moving over to the fridge and looking inside.

"You hungry? I can whip us up some eggs and bacon," Eddie suggested, glancing over his shoulder at him.

Buck felt his stomach growl at the mention of bacon and nodded with a grin.

"That sounds great," he agreed and watched as Eddie pulled everything they needed out of the fridge. 

As he helped cook, Buck couldn't help but feel grateful for how normal everything felt again. Eddie understood now and everything was fine. Buck had been so worried about coming out and it hadn't been a big deal at all. He knew it wouldn't always be that easy, but as he stood in Eddie's kitchen like he'd done a million times before, making food with him and talking and laughing, Buck felt like he was already on the right track to living his life the way he was truly meant to.

Thanks for reading! Please reblog to share if you enjoyed it <3

It's been so long since I posted a fic I'm not sure anyone on my tag list is still interested, but here we go:

@firemedicdiaz​ @diekatimitdemhutohnehut @inuhimesblog​ @godlightbuckley​​​ @bicepsie ​ @floralbuckleys @morganayenneferburnham @fleurdebeton @tulipfromtheinternet@princessbb

If you're on my tag list and don't want to be, or if you aren't on it and you'd like to be, please send me a message or an ask! <3 (Apologies to a few on my tag list - your usernames have changed and I don't know what your new URLs are, I'm so sorry)

[seidenbros]

Breaking the Ice - Chapter 1

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey Summary: When Hockey star Jesper Fahey is knocked unconscious during a game, he is out for weeks. Once back on the ice, his coach Kaz Brekker teams up with figure skating coach Inej Ghafa to bring him and figure skating talent Wylan van Eck together, because he'd come back from a very bad injury before, and they think these two can learn from each other. What neither of them know is what happened between them a few months back at a Charity Gala. Or, well, nearly happened. Misunderstandings are pretty much inevitable, especially because they don't really talk to each other properly. What is undeniable, though, is the attraction between them. Will they be professional enough to ignore this, or will the sparks between them begin to melt the ice more and more? And of course, there is also Jan van Eck, hockey legend, praised by many, but hardly anybody knows what it really was like for Wylan to grow up in the van Eck mansion - and what his father did to him even after he moved out.

Warning/Tags: POV Jesper Fahey, POV Wylan van Eck, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Figure skating, Hockey Coach Kaz Brekker, injuries, Jan van Eck is the scum of the Earth, sexual content, implied child abuse A/N: HELLO! It's finally time to post this, because I can't keep it to myself anymore. This Hockey/Figure Skating AU has been in my head for a long time, because I love both sports, and I think they fit these two so well. There will be some more explicit content in the later chapters, which you don't have to read, if you don't want. I'll make a note at the beginning of the chapter, and give the parts a different text colour or divide it from the rest of the text some other way. It won't affect the story, and it's not like these are whole chapters, just parts of them. I hope I can stick to my schedule with posting a chapter every Friday, so you know you can expect that. I also hope I managed to explain certain terms when they pop up, so they don't stop the reading flow (though with the jumps in figure skating, I didn't explain them in detail) Special thanks go out to @taylacosplays @shog_draws @shippoutsy and @saskia_s89 (all of them on Instagram) for reading this when I started with the first two chapters and giving me their opinion, because I was so unsure about this. You're the best! So, now, I hope you enjoy 💚

Read on AO3

“Fahey to Helvar, moving past Bukowski, back to Fahey. He shoots… and scooooores! Goal for the Ketterdam Crows!”

“Sharpshooter does it again and scores his second goal of the night.”

“It’s certainly a great start to the season for the Crows.”

“Especially after that crushing end in the playoffs last season.”

“True. But it seems like they did their homework in the off-season.”

“I sure hope so, because I’d love to see a lot more of that.”

The first game of the new season was a huge success for the Ketterdam Crows, who won the game 3:2, with two goals from Jesper Fahey and one from Matthias Helvar. Helvar’s offensive line had the team captain in the centre, Jesper on his left wing and Tolya Yul-Bataar on the right wing. They were a force to be reckoned with. At least they were that now again, but at the end of last season, a lot of their team had played with injuries, and they’d been exhausted - and that had shown. In the third round, they hadn’t even won one game. Jesper had wanted to play despite two broken ribs and the third time he’d gone down, he’d been out for good.

That alone had crushed him, and he’d spent the first part of the off-season far away with lots of alcohol until his coach, Kaz Brekker, had personally dragged him back home. Oh, he’d gotten the lecture of a lifetime when Kaz had set him straight and told him that he’d been drinking too much, and the time for wallowing in self-pity was over. Jesper had needed that, because he knew that he could get distracted from what was really important quickly, and hockey was important to him. As were the people on his team, and so he’d been back for the first training session, even if he’d been a little hungover. Kaz hadn’t said anything to him then, and the game today had shown that they were all taking the game seriously. They were paid a lot of money, that much was true, but it was something they loved, something they wanted to excel in.

With the first game out of the way - and a successful one at that - they were all in a good mood to take part in the Charity Gala the following day. It was a big event that was held once a year at the beginning of autumn, and Jesper had been looking forward to it ever since he’d gotten his ticket. The tickets were expensive of course, but that was only because that was one way of gathering money for charity. Another way was an auction that took place in the evening after the dinner itself. The Crows were contributing a training session with the whole team as well as being on the bench for the next home game. Jesper quite liked that, because it was always nice to see some happy people who really enjoyed that.

Jesper opted for a dark blue suit for the night, a black button down, topped off with a tie in the same colour as the suit - Nina his physiotherapist had chosen that one for him, because to an event like this, he couldn’t go without a matching tie. He wasn’t a big fan of them, but he had to admit that they completed the look. Once it got later and the official part was over, he was sure that it wouldn’t be a problem if he either took the tie off or at least loosened it. Before that, he’d have to talk to a couple of people, smile for the camera, and enjoy a five course dinner menu that he was really looking forward to.

“I’m on my way downstairs,” Jesper said into his phone the moment he picked it up. Kaz had put Matthias up to picking Jesper up for this, so he wouldn’t be late. It was just a safety measure, but it had still made Jesper roll his eyes.

“Alright. You’re sitting in the back, Nina’s already with me.”

“Woah woah woah hold on.” Jesper stopped in his tracks, reaching for his wallet. He took one last look in the mirror and grinned at himself before grabbing the keys. “Our Nina?”

Nina Zenik, physiotherapist not only for Jesper but for a couple of guys on the team. Jesper liked her a lot, and not only because she was good at her job. She didn’t back down from anyone and handled the locker room talk without a problem. Hell, she even managed to get the guys to blush with the way she talked, and Jesper loved to see it. The two of them were able to talk about pretty much everything, even stuff that had nothing to do with hockey. He’d known that Matthias hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her for a while, so he was glad that he’d finally asked her out.

“I told you that I’d bring a date.”

“Mhm, could have just mentioned who your date was.”

Jesper hung up the phone and put it in his pocket. After making sure that he had everything he needed, he headed out the door and took the elevator down. Matthias’s car was waiting right outside the apartment building where he lived, so he could get inside immediately.

“Hello gorgeous, nice to see you here,” Jesper said with a grin from the backseat as he reached his hand out to the front to squeeze Nina’s shoulder gently.

“I see you stuck with the tie I chose for you,” she said as she turned around to him with a smile on her lips. She really did look absolutely stunning in a red dress that hugged her curves and matched the colour of her lips. She was stunning, and Jesper really hoped she wouldn’t eat Matthias up and spit him out when she was done with him. He may be a big, buff guy, who could throw a punch and had the hardest and fastest slapshot in the league, but Jesper knew how fragile his heart was, and that it took him some time to open up. The fact that Matthias was taking Nina out, and to an event where everyone would see them together nonetheless, really had some meaning.

When they got to the location, Matthias’s car was parked for him. Sometimes, this still felt strange, but at an event like this, it was part of the whole experience. Jesper looked up at the tall building and took a deep breath before he followed the other two inside. In the entrance hall, there were already some decorations as well as guideposts. He knew that the Charity Gala was held at the top floor of the building. He’d been there once, so he knew that they’d have a beautiful view over the city and the harbour, though Jesper was rather sure that there was more than enough to catch his attention and keep him from going to the window front to stare outside.

Once they stepped out of the elevator at the top, they were greeted with a glass of champagne each, before they were shown the seating plan. It was kind of interesting to read all the names, figure out who else was here, and especially who they would be sharing a table with.

The name van Eck made his eyes widen slightly. Jan van Eck was a hockey legend, and as a child, Jesper had been looking up to the man, as had a lot of other players. Most of them probably still did, but not Jesper. After he’d met him once a couple of years ago, when he’d just started playing for the Crows, he’d been so arrogant and condescending, and he’d told Jesper that he didn’t think he had it in him to play in the big league. Well, being here and being a very valuable player for his team, proved that man wrong. It would be very satisfying to be sitting at the same table as him. There was also his son, Wylan van Eck, who was a talent on skates as well, but not in hockey gear. No, Wylan was making money as an extremely good figure skater. Jesper had seen him practising once, not so long ago. He’d spent quite some time in the fitness room at the rink and everyone else had already left. He’d needed this to clear his head, and after a long, hot shower, he’d wanted to head out, when he’d heard music coming from the rink. Curious, as he always was, he’d gone over there and had seen Wylan van Eck on the ice, skating, or more like dancing to the music. Even without seeing his face straight away, he’d known that it had been him. Wylan van Eck had a very distinct way of moving, pure elegance wrapped up in one person. It always looked so effortless when he moved over the ice, as if he was flying. The only thing that had destroyed that idea, had been the swish swish of his skates on the ice. Jesper had watched him, completely enthralled, until Wylan had spotted him. He’d stumbled a little, but hadn’t fallen, and Jesper, feeling responsible for that, had quickly turned around and left the building. He’d felt like he shouldn’t have seen any of that, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. Well, tonight he’d get the chance to talk to him for the first time. He just had to watch out that he didn’t stare at him, because Wylan was beautiful, almost had something ethereal to him. But that might still be better than doing or saying something stupid, which could always happen with Jesper. He’d try to behave tonight.

The food was incredible and the live music accompanying the dinner fit rather well. Not that he’d listen to piano versions of songs in his free time, but it fit the atmosphere here, and anything louder would definitely be too much. After all, there were conversations at the table as well, and Jesper tried to follow them, though he had to admit that it was difficult to listen to anyone else when Jan van Eck overpowered everyone with his voice. That man really thought he was the most interesting person anyone could ever meet, and it was annoying to say the least.

His eyes landed on his son, who didn’t look up to his father or even listened. In fact, when his voice got too loud or he laughed unexpectedly, Wylan winced or rolled his eyes. It wasn’t obvious to everyone, but Jesper paid close attention - despite telling himself beforehand that he wouldn’t. Wylan was way too fascinating to not look at him, and when their eyes met, Jesper couldn’t help but smile, no matter that Wylan quickly averted his gaze again and looked down at his plate to concentrate on his food.

“Hm?” he asked as he turned to Matthias who had just said something to him, but Jesper had been too preoccupied with the man  across from him.

“I asked what you were looking at.”

“Nothing in particular.” Oh, he’d definitely not tell Matthias that he’d been watching van Eck’s offspring, because he might never hear the end of it.

“Mhm, sure.” Maybe, Matthias didn’t believe him, but at least, he didn’t pester him with any more questions. Nina may have had something to do with this when she reached for his hand and cradled it in her own, beaming up at him.

Jesper finished off the last bits on his plate, before he looked over at Wylan again. It had gotten a bit quiet at their table, because van Eck was talking to his son, making sure that nobody could overhear them. There was something in Wylan’s eyes that made him wonder what this was about, but it certainly wasn’t a friendly conversation. That proved to be true, when Wylan got up a little too quickly, his chair almost falling backwards.

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment,” Wylan said to the people at the table, a polite smile on his lips as he showed them his empty glass. Jesper figured that he’d need something a little stronger than the champagne they were serving here.

Jesper kept an eye on him, while pretty much everyone else at their table hung on Jan van Eck’s lips again - except for Matthias and Nina who were deep in conversation by now. Just like he’d expected, Wylan ventured to the bar, but he didn’t just get a drink, he got comfortable on one of the barstools. Without rethinking this, Jesper got up, excused himself, and followed him. There was enough room at the bar, and they only had dessert left, which would take a moment to be brought out, considering that most people were still eating.

Jesper stepped up next to where Wylan was sitting and placed his elbows on the bar. While he saw Wylan turn his head towards him in the corner of his eye, he kept his eyes on the bartender, who walked his way as soon as Jesper smiled at him.

“What can I get you?”

“A Spellbound for me, please, and one for him as well.” Jesper nodded towards Wylan with a grin, and the bartender just nodded and got to work.

“I… already have a drink,” Wylan said a little confused, turning more towards Jesper, who was now turning to face him as well, leaning with his hip against the bar.

“I know, but I think you’ll really like this one. And I think you might need it.”

“What makes you say that?” He got a little defensive, his back straightening and Jesper could see that he was wearing suspenders beneath that nice black jacket he was donning. Interesting.

“Saw the way you were looking at your Dad, so… you might need more than one drink.” Jesper shrugged his shoulders, knowing that he’d just implied that he knew who Wylan was. It wasn’t a secret after all. The lopsided smile he got from Wylan in turn definitely had its effect on him, drew him in even more, and instinctively, he inched a little closer.

“Very observant, and also very, very right.” Wylan downed the drink that had just been put in front of him, making Jesper widen his eyes.

“That bad, huh?” Jesper raised his eyebrow, but there was still the hint of a smile on his lips.

“You have no idea. But I’d rather not spend time talking about my father here.”

“Yeah, I can think of better things to talk about than him.” Rolling his eyes, Jesper cast a quick look in the direction of their table, before he focused on Wylan again. “I’m Jesper by the way.”

“Oh, I know.” Wylan smiled at him and it lit up his whole face, now that they weren’t focusing on his father anymore.

“Do you now?” Jesper let his eyes roam over his body, starting with the shoes that went perfectly with his black suit, over his legs and his waist up over his chest and the bowtie that perfected the look until he reached his lips, lingering there a moment too long, before their eyes met again. Wylan’s were framed by long lashes that would make anyone jealous.

“I mean… of course. I know who plays hockey here.” The way Wylan’s cheeks started gaining colour betrayed how nonchalant he wanted to be.

“Aww and here I thought you may have looked me up.”

“Maybe I did.”

“Now, it’s getting interesting.” Jesper took another step closer, but then the barkeeper brought their drinks and Jesper quickly paid for them. He handed one of the drinks to Wylan and held up his own glass. “I hope you’ll like it, but it’s really good.”

“And the colour goes well with your suit,” Wylan observed, making Jesper laugh out loud at that. It was so random in a way, so refreshing, that it was amusing in the best way.

“Yeah, you got a point there. Cheers.”

“Cheers and thank you.” Wylan took the first sip of the drink, humming happily at the taste. “Oh yes, this really is amazing. You have great taste.”

“And not just in drinks.” Jesper winked at him, before he hid his smile behind the glass while taking another sip. It was wonderful to watch Wylan’s reaction to everything he said and did. It only spurred him on to get to know him even better, maybe tease him a little more.

“Is that so?” Wylan asked, sizing Jesper up, and he had to admit that he straightened a little under his gaze, put out one leg and pushed his free hand into his pocket. He hadn’t expected Wylan to say something like this, and he quite liked this duality he was showing. For a moment, he cursed the dress code here, because he’d usually have a few buttons at the top undone and the tie in his pocket, so Wylan would have at least something to look at, but it seemed like he was rather interested in what he was seeing as it was.

“Mhm, maybe I can prove that to you somehow.” Some motion at their table caught his attention again, and he looked over. They were motioning for them to come back, since dessert was being served, even though some people had just now finished the previous course.

“This is too pretty and good to down, no matter what my father will say when I come to the table with anything but champagne or whiskey.” Wylan rolled his eyes and hopped down from the barstool, his glass still in hand.

“Does he ever shut up? I feel like he loves hearing himself talk.” Jesper pulled his hand from his pocket and put it on the small of Wylan’s back to slowly guide him to their table again.

“Oh, you have no idea.” Wylan shook his head just slightly, but put a smile on his lips again as they kept walking.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t listen to him anymore, so I hope the dinner is over soon, so we can leave the table again. If you need saving from them, just let me know.”

“Thanks. That’s very kind of you.”

“And save me a dance later, will you?” Jesper had to shoot his shot right now and hope for a positive reaction, because he still wanted to get to know him a little better. And he’d get him away from his obnoxious father.

“I will,” Wylan said with a smile in Jesper’s direction, before he had to move around the table to get to his chair. It was fascinating and a little concerning how Jesper could immediately see the change in Wylan’s face as soon as he was close to his father.

But that dance never happened, because Wylan left the table after dessert and another drink. Jesper could see his father holding onto his wrist tightly, trying to keep him in place, but Wylan said something to him and ripped his wrist from his grip, before he got up and swiftly made his way out of the room.

Jesper didn’t hesitate a second. He got up and didn’t even say goodbye to Matthias and Nina - who were pretty much occupied with each other anyway, so he doubted that they realised that he was leaving, or maybe just thought that he got up to get some fresh air or something of the like. Good for him and good for them, because it showed just how well they were getting along.

On his way out, Jesper managed to grab a bottle of champagne while nobody was looking. It wasn’t exactly like he was stealing it, since the champagne was free, part of the menu they’d paid for, but some people would probably not be that happy if they saw him leaving with the bottle.

Once outside the ballroom and in the hall, he saw Wylan step into the elevator. Jesper had to jog over there to catch the closing doors so they opened again for him. Wylan was leaning against the wall on the other side, but immediately looked up when the doors opened again. With a smile on his lips, Jesper stepped inside and held up the bottle.

“Couldn’t let you dash off all by yourself.”

[luckywolfsbane]

Okay, so we know Twilight survived because the Shadow was arrogant enough to underestimate the Chain's connection(my theroy at least). So I'm now going to take a look at the two little beasts that have been plaguing everyone's minds since their spat: Four and Wild.

Both of them look better in this chapter, but claiming they're "okay now" would be a huge stretch. Let's look at Wild first.

Despite sparing some smiles, he looks pretty deflated emotionally. Boy is definitely tired. I personally think he looks somewhat alright because he's putting up a front for the others. I think it's either going to coast like this until he feels better for real or his little wall will come crashing down the moment there's more trouble from the Shadow(considering he thinks he killed the Shadow, guess which I think is more likely. Hell, we might get a combination thereof). Just a guess, really. But an educated one.

Now... Four. Sweet boy, good boy. Warriors, please give him a hug. Wild got one, and Four is LITERALLY RIGHT THERE. It would be so easy.

Okay, seriously though. Four is eating himself up inside. Not only did he draw a weapon on Wild, he divided himself as well. This implies he was approaching Wild as a real threat, which I'm certain isn't lost on either of them. Look at this boy:

He's hurting considerably. It's pretty obvious he intends to fix the sword for Wild, especially given the circumstances of why it was broken in the first place. Considering his expression, I don't expect that to be the end of it for Four or Wild.

They're going to need to rebuild their trust. Wild and Four will both have to put in effort. Not just because they were both involved, but because they were both at fault for their spat. This has to go beyond words.

Neither were truly wrong, don't misunderstand. Emotions were running so high, both were just trying to help in the only way they could think of. And their methods just happened to clash. However, they'll need to acknowledge that, or something akin to that.

But with their weakened relationship(I think they'd still die for each other, but they are hurt), seeing turmoil come from them trying to rebuild their bond wouldn't come as a surprise. I don’t expect more than one of two chapters of turmoil before they fully make up. But if we get more, I won't complain.

Also.... uh... is Wild the only one that knows about the colors?

We all remember this. I think these expressions from them both in these panels will help to lay out how they move foward.

Wild is freaked out by Four's ability here. Four(especially Vio) expected that and used that to their advantage. Which kind of lends itself to the question: does Four view himself as a sort of freak? I think so. I hope this internalized shame gets addressed, and I hope Wild is able to help him feel accepted. It's part of what makes Four himself, he should be allowed to feel safe when split.

Personally I believe that until they talk about that; until Wild and Four acknowledge what happened, they won't be able to heal. Once Wild knows what happened there, I'm certain he'll accept Four and the colors without batting an eye. I would hope they'd talk about telling the others to clear the air, but that's Jojo's choice. It would be interesting either way, really.

Also, with Tears of the Kingdom less than 100 days away.... uh, yeah. I'll tackle that in another post.

[docholligay]

Your posts about being the one to host the things you want to go to always get me so fired up, but I live in a flat the size of a shoebox. Do you have any tips for hosting when you just don't have any space? I've tried picnics but I live somewhere with volatile weather and we were rained out 3 of 4 times. I don't want to wait some hypothetical amount of time until I can afford a place that can fit a dining table!

This is hard without seeing your place, because while its usually easy to figure something out when I can see the setup of a place, it’s really hard to do in theory. All spacious apartments are alike; each tiny shoebox is insane in its own way, and all that. 

But I think its important to remember that an event doesn’t necessarily need to be huge or grandiose to be fun! You can have 2 or 3 friends over to have a wine tasting and cheese night, which lends itself very well to small places. I actually recommends an afternoon tea as something that I’ve assembled using some cheap trays from Goodwill and making my bed up sort of like a day bed/couch situation for people to sit on! Cups of tea and little sandwiches are incredibly economical, and by going to thrift stores and picking together a few things over time, you can lend it a sort of occasion and drama that you wouldn’t assume you could get out of a tiny basement studio (“Studio”) 

Space is nice, do not misunderstand me! Very helpful in hosting, changes the kind of events you can have, but even small spaces can have small crowds. You don’t need to be a duke to have a festive occasion. 

You’re in the UK, by the sounds of the word “flat,” so I have literally no idea how it works there, but for those of y’all reading in the US, the parks systems have places you can rent, often for nominal or low cost! The park by my house has a little shelter you can reserve for free where people OFTEN hold birthday parties* and would be a great place to have a picnic-style event or…I don’t know, lawn bowling, or have a stupid roaring 20s croquet party where you’re pretending to be the nouveau riche. Possibilities are endless. 

Also! When I lived in a real shithole, I had a friend with a much nicer apartment, and she hated the work of hosting but loved the idea of having a party, so we split our invites and basically divided and conquered! She had the place, I came up with the menu and did all the cooking, we both helped with the dishes. It was an out of the box solution for both of us, that let us have a really great dinner party by playing to what the both of us had. 

*One time, I was running outside and I had a mile lap sent up in the neighborhood, so I kept running by the shelter, and every time I ran by this family having a big birthday party would whoop and cheer me on. When I finished, (after 8 laps) they insisted I come have a beer and some food. I love living in the Mexican neighborhood**, I don’t care what anyone says about it. 

**I live in “the Mexican neighborhood” which is not impressive in hispanic residents for, say, California, but for Montana is in fact the densest Mexican-heritage population in any city.

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, discussion of DID as a plot device

I think I don’t like media about spies. I’ll follow any pretty man with half a plot, but I’m beyond tired of the split personality villains and adult consensual programming.

I can imagine one of those protagonists discovering an evil alter in a modern RAMCOA system. It’s been a long time since two-alter systems were standard, but it’s common in those pieces; a single Big Bad alter is discovered, the story moves along, the rest of the system continues scheming or whatever else they’ve been at.

I’d like to see that from the system’s POV. Like a teen alter passing by front and going “oh, Dante’s got us kidnapped again” while everyone else just sips Capri Suns and naps.

Or the whole system is working together and the front self is the only one unaware, so they up and break out of containment because nobody thought there might be others with skills outside of the two they already knew.

It was a misunderstanding and both the good and evil alters have subsystems hiding knowledge, and really they’ve gotten it backwards which priorities are whose.

There were two alters this protagonist was chasing, evidence for both, but the alters are all in this person’s system and they’re never going to find out which colleague is leaving the trail. The alters know and are pretending to fit the dichotomy because they’re little shits.

It’s deadly serious and there are huge internal conflicts and programs connecting events, but the idiot spy exists to explain to the audience and is otherwise purely comic relief.

Give me a system whose alters all play different roles on the spy team, or who splits for new aliases. Show me a realistic system responding to childhood torture and having a morality crisis.

Even in the context of the existing story, there are means of adding realism when you’re using a real life explanation, especially because the good-evil divide is typically explained as being traumagenic and disordered.

A system can fit any character if you plan it out and get somemany with lived experience on board. The DID trope can enhance a piece, but not as it is now.

Using this shitty version of the cliche hurts real people, and I’m considering writing some emails for ongoing works. If the story depends on the ignorance of the audience, it’s not a good story. Systems should be able to enjoy media without this uncreative bullshit.

[13eyond13]

25 for Griffith?

[character ask meme]

GRIFFITH + 25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Hahaha, an excellent choice of a question for him

cut for spoilers, because I know I have a mutual who is freshly reading this series right now... (don't look, Dilly!!)

OK so my reactions to him chronologically can basically be divided into three parts:

(1) Pre-Eclipse: I like him, but I'm also side-eyeing him a bit... What's he up to, exactly?

(2) During the Eclipse: yoooo Griffith what the actual fuck you actual piece of shit!!!!

(3) Post-Eclipse: I HATE HIM AND EVERYTHING HE DOES ENRAGES ME BUT ALSO I REMEMBER HE'S A BIT COMPLICATED AND ALSO IT'S MORE BORING WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND SO WHERE DID HE GO AND CAN HE STOP DISAPPEARING FOR DOZENS OF CHAPTERS AT A TIME PLEASE

So initially I liked Griffith as a character and found him interesting to follow on the page (especially because I was like woah I can't believe how outright gay for Guts he's written, like I knew that people shipped them but I didn't think it would be that unambiguous? Good for him, good for him, I like how bold he is about it) BUT I was also side-eyeing Griffith and distrusting him a bit from the beginning, just because I knew that SOMETHING crazy must have happened to make him and Guts the kind of mortal enemies they were now before we got into the flashbacks, and because I don't trust endlessly ambitious characters trying to make themselves increasingly powerful, and because he did some shitty stuff at times (like making Casca warm Guts up with her body heat because it was a "woman's job")... but I think I remember believing that whatever it was he was still going to be a somewhat redeemable character, or that maybe the antagonism between him and Guts was based on a misunderstanding or something. So whenever the Eclipse stuff happened, I was genuinely shocked and completely horrified (here is the post with my live reaction to that part (x)

I REALLY got mad and really disliked him after that, and it nearly made me quit reading the story, because I wasn't a huge fan of how porny that whole scene was drawn in comparison to how the previous assaults were depicted on the page / wasn't incredibly sure if it felt super in-character of him / necessary for the plot / wasn't sure if Casca would ever be allowed to come back as a character in the story again ... but I also found I couldn't stop reading it for long, I was already way too emotionally invested in the characters and enjoying the Berserk universe as a whole. And stuff like how mutilated and broken and pitiful Griffith was after the torture he endured, and the scene of child him feeling obligated to keep going with his dream because of all the people he'd lead to their deaths already, made him stay more interesting to follow and more complex to contemplate as a character to me.

ANYWAY, the longer the story went on without him showing up again (if I recall correctly it goes on for at least another like 80 chapters more or something before we even see him again after that?) the more I realized that he brings a lot of the intrigue and make the most of the plot stuff that I'm actually most interested in happen, for better or for worse. So even though I was always enraged by him basically just existing and everything he did on the page after that I was also like "!!!! there he is, FINALLY" and glad every time he showed up again, haha. I wish sometimes now that he was still a bit more of a volatile/human character as he was before he made the sacrifices, because that's definitely more interesting to watch... but I can't say I'm not still very intrigued to see what happens in the end / how everything was meant to resolve between him and Casca and Guts, and if we'll ever see a big break in his aloof facade again, even after he tried to ascend to godhood and erase all of those more vulnerable human qualities from himself.

IN SUMMARY he's not my absolute fave in this series, and that's remained the same for me the entire time (it goes Guts>Casca>Griffith for me, and that order of faves hasn't changed all throughout) ... but he's definitely an iconic character, the one that brings a lot of the drama and the intrigue, and for some reason is the one I find most fun to discuss and post and speculate about in the fandom rn

[back-and-totheleft]

Stone's indictment of the majors focuses on two types of crimes, which, to use his terms, might be divided into Thievery and Thuggery, although there seems to be some overlap. In the Thievery category is the formula the studios use to apportion the vast new millions that come from the videocassette market. The dastardly formula which perpetrates the thievery, Stone says, is called the "videocassette override."

"Major, major thievery," he says. "It's $12 million on [my film] Wall Street."

Twelve million dollars is a large sum to have been lost to "theft," even by Hollywood standards. I ask him how he calculated that.

"The majors declare that only 20 percent of a film's videocassette revenues are allocated back to the film's gross."

"I thought gross was gross," I say, relieved to have seen Speed-the-Plow.

Gross isn't gross when it comes to tape revenues because of the override formula, he says. "They keep 80 percent," which means that profit participants on the creative end—like the director and screenwriter, who start collecting only if the gross is massive—can end up shut out of the tape-revenue windfall. "They say they're treating videocassettes as a separate entity. It's been going on for years, but it's a complete misunderstanding of the way that videocassettes were originally supposed to be distributed. Wall Street's video revenues were more than $16 million in sales. They will allocate around $4 million. Ripping off $12 million." (Nick Counter, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, calls this account "confused." He says that "the formula is an industrywide negotiated figure which is the minimum and can be negotiated higher. The economics of the marketplace—marketing costs and the like— have justified the formula.")

Stone calls the other category of crime committed by the cocksucker vampires at the major studios Thuggery: using monopolistic muscle to strangle the once promising growth of nonmajor independents and boutique studios such as Hemdale (which brought out Salvador and Platoon when no one else would). "It's an incredible struggle that's going on," he says. "It's very subtle. Critics don't pick up on it. In 1985-86, the independent films started to break through. The Salvadors, the Room with a Views, the Platoons."

He contends the majors reacted to this by increasing the quantity of the films they release, which resulted in the independents' being squeezed out, because they're locked out of distribution to movie theaters. "Hemdale, Cannon, Dino [De Laurentiis], all of them have been hurting. They're hurting because they can't get the theater time." (In fact, a recent Variety story confirmed a "screen crunch'' for indies, although collusion is another question.)

-Oliver Stone to Vanity Fair, January 1989 [x]

Commenting on the ongoing 11-week WGA strike, Stone suggested the roots of the current industrial action lie in the deal brokered to end the five-month writers strike in 1988. “There was a basic miscarriage of justice way back when, when Brian Walton was the head of the WGA, when we gave in. I wasn’t on the front line, but I supported that strike,” said Stone. “We gave in to the producers. They got away with murder on one of these deals where all that DVD money was deferred. They claimed they were in the hole, in the red, and that they had to get their money back from DVD. “I forgot what the percentage was, but they took something like the first 75% off the top. The DVD business was huge, especially for my films. So, the gross was never divided fairly.” Stone said this trend had continued with residuals and profits. “Not so much residuals, as profits really. Residuals are important for some of the writers who don’t make as much money. But people who do make money, they don’t touch the profits from the film, the studio does,” he said. “The studio is always telling you that they’re losing money, but they always find a way to make a new level of profit for 10, 15 years. … It’s that perpetual industrial problem with a capitalist group that pays its executives more and more money and screws the average writer.”

-Oliver Stone to Deadline, Jul 14 2023

[kob131]

All this talk about the fate series you’ve engaged in has piqued my interest. If I were to dive into the series with no knowledge about it whatsoever, where would you recommend I start? I’m a huge mythology fan, so I’m sure I’d just eat it up. Speaking of which, I learned a bit about the legend of Cu Chulainn that makes me especially interested in him. In the original Celtic folktale, he goes to Mag Mell (the Celtic afterlife), and meets a priestess named Scathach, who gives him an indestructible spear named Gae Bolg (it’s Gaelic for “belly dart”). The spear is so heavily barbed that when it’s shoved into a creature, he only way to remove it is to use a bladed weapon of some sort to literally carve it out of them. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s also poisoned. Celtic folklore is wild.

Oh boy...

Gonna tag @avalonblue12 since he helped me out with Fate a bit in the beginning.

So...I'm going to offer two quick suggestions and expand on why this question has haunted this fanbase for so long.

If you want to get into Fate the purest (and best in my opinion) way possible, try this guy's Let's Play of the first route of the visual novel (THE HOLY GRAIL WAR - Fate/stay night - 1 [Prologue] - YouTube) Or this one if you don't like commentary (Fate/Stay Night Visual Novel Fate Route Day 1 Part 1 (No Commentary)(English) - YouTube) Be warned, the visual novel does not have voiced narratin and is in Japanese.

If you don't care about spoilers or such, try Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works by ufotable.

But in truth, you can start just about anywhere that isn't Hollow Atraxia, Fate/Extra: Last Encore or Fate/Extella because many entries assume you don't know the basics and these are direct sequels.

I suggested those above because they pertain to the original Fate/Stay Night, whose influence is felt throughout the whole franchise.

(More below)

So...why is this question such a hard one to answer for Fate fans?

Well, Fate is an infamously dense series that has a lot of interconnecting elements and ideas along with a deep magic system. Meaning that you can get the general idea easily...but things are so much better when you have knowledge of the series. For example, a certain character in Fate Apocrypha (a spin off) is rather compelling and engaging but with knowledge of one of the heroines in FSN, it adds another layer to her character.

So, I would recommend getting in through the Visual Novel somehow...but the visual novel is a huge time commitment and it might not be to your tastes. So you'd think there would be an anime or something to watch right?

Well, there is...with two problems.

1- Ufotable has only adapted Heaven's Feel and Unlimited Blade Works, the third and second routes. Fate, the first route which acts as the primer as well, only has an adaptation by Studio DEEN and it's kind of divisive.

and 2- The animes all have one issue- They don't have the inner monologue of Shirou, the protagonist. This is important because a lot of what is needed to understand Shirou is IN his monologues. Without them, it becomes very easy to misunderstand Shirou. To the point that the divide around him is basically between those who have and haven't read the original VN.

So while you can get in however you want and it is VERY MUCH worth the investment- getting the best introduction is hard.

"Well, how did you get into Fate?"

The doujins.

... No, really. I found some FGO doujins (ironically enough, based on Fate's Scathach) and I got interested in the series so I kind of just...flailed around until I ended up on the other end of the series. I still don't know how it happened.

If you're still reading this, even if I turned you off- I'd like to say what I think is Fate's greatest strength. And I believe that it's Nasu's writing. Or rather, the bittersweet way he writes. It really pulls on the heartstrings while making you feel satisfied by the journey.

I really do hope you try it out, as I can't recommend it enough.

[invenblocker]

Baleful Polymorph doesn't set your physical scores directly to a value. Instead, it functions like Beast Shape III, but only for Small or Smaller (which means it's Small, Tiny or Diminutive, you can't be Baleful Polymorphed into a Fine creature). The way Beast Shape works is that it changes your form, size, senses and appendages (including natural attacks) to match your new form, and then adjusts your STR and DEX based on the form you go to. The Smallest you can go here is into a Diminutive creature, which is a -4 STR Penalty, so a guy with 18 STR will end up with 14 instead.

Likewise, you actually do get to keep the benefits of your passive magic items, as your gear is melded into your new form, and unless it requires activation, remains functional (with the exception that Armor and Shields won't function as Armor or Shields), so magic items like your Cloak of Resistance will still improve your saves.

Continuing with the assumption of a Diminutive form, that's a +4 modifier to attack rolls and AC, as well as a +6 modifier to DEX and +1 Natural Armor from beast shaping into a diminutive creature, that's a +8 increase to your AC... before accounting for the loss of your armor and shields. Sure, a Wizard might still have a hard time hitting you, but if they have friends, they might not. This is also a total of +2 to hit, assuming you weren't using Masterwork or Magic weapons (but if you're fighting someone with a 5th level spell, you were probably using at least a +2 weapon, so this bonus is already canceled out), or a +7 increase to hit if you were using Weapon Finesse.

You are greatly misunderstanding how Power Attack works. You don't convert just any to hit bonuses into damage. You take a penalty to your attacks that scales with your Base Attack Bonus (base attack divided by four, rounded down, plus one) and get a bonus to damage, which yes, with a single natural attack would be three times that penalty; also remember that any STR bonus to damage is increased by 50% if you only have one natural attack. Note that while Power Attack does have a prerequisite of 13 Str, you are technically not at risk of losing access to the feat from this spell, since despite Baleful Polymorph having a duration of "permanent" the ability score adjustment is categorized as a Penalty rather than as Drain, and only Drain can actually cause you to no longer meet prerequisites; note that this is a clause of RAW that is commonly overruled.

As a diminutive creature, you at best have a 1d2 natural weapon, not a 1d3, not that that's a huge difference mind you.

Now for the real kicker... Baleful Polymorph has two saves, the first one being for the physical change of form, the second being for a mental change. If you fail the second save, you gain the Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma and alignment of the creature you are transformed into. In other words, you get the brain of the creature, and the forced alignment change very much implies that you just actually gain the mentality of the animal, losing your original personality.

Failing the second save also loses you your Supernatural, Spell Like and Extraordinary abilities, which actually doesn't include your feats, but for a Fighter does include Bravery, further implying that your very person is overwritten.

It occurs to me that the current Pathfinder SRD’s version of baleful polymorph may leave its caster in for a rude surprise if they try it on a high-level fighter.

Like, okay, you’ve been turned into a frog. You’ve got an effective Strength score of 1, you’re five inches long, and all of your magic item bonuses and such go away. Life sucks, right?

Well, hold on now. Being five inches long technically gives you a size category of Fine, which confers a +8 attack bonus against Medium targets (e.g., most humans). The attack penalty for Strength 1 is only -5, so your attack rolls actually come out three points ahead.

Of course, your Reach is also 0, so you have to enter your target’s space to attack, eating an attack of opportunity in the process - but your size also grants you a +8 AC bonus versus Medium opponents, so you’ll probably be able to tank that AoO just fine.

Then there’s the matter of damage. A frog’s bite almost certainly has a base damage rating of 1, there’s that -5 Strength penalty to contend with, and you don’t get bonuses from worn or wielded magic items while polymorphed, so you’re probably stuck doing the minimum one damage per attack… except you’ve got Power Attack, and since a frog has only a single primary natural weapon, you’re getting an extra three points of damage for every point of attack bonus you pour into it. That’s five points of damage per attack (1 base + 9 Power Attack -5 Strength) without even touching your base attack bonus, just by eating the net +3 you ended up with from being Fine - and the wizard who polymorphed you probably has a terrible AC, to boot, so you can likely afford to just max Power Attack out and hope for the best.

So basically what I’m saying is that if you’re a high-level fighter and an evil wizard turns you into a frog, get in there and start biting.

[cerapascua]

Ever since COVID-19, there has been a dramatic shift from in-person to online in the workplace environment and education in schools. With more classes offered online and job positions becoming remote, it’s clear that we are moving toward a more digital community. In this post, I’ll explore how these shifts both benefit and challenge our society.

Platforms like Khan Academy and Skillshare have seen huge increases in usage since the pandemic began. Their flexibility and accessibility offer global access to education. When COVID-19 first hit everything went online for all ages which created a wide spread of what remote learning looked like for each age group. However, the rapid shift to online learning has also created disadvantages for lower-income students. According to an article from American University’s School of Education, Understanding the Digital Divide in Education shows the drastic effects of limited access to the internet and devices due to socioeconomic background, which reduces the ability to participate in online learning. There were also difficulties grabbing younger students' attention in the online learning environment. Addressing this gap through either rental devices or more engaging programs is crucial to making online education equitable as we move to more online learning platforms.

Another benefit of moving online is in the work environment, with applications like Zoom, Slack, and Microsoft Teams. These applications enabled many professions to go remote during COVID-19 as well as continue to stay remote due to the benefits. According to the U.S. News & World Report article titled 7 Benefits of Woking from Home (and 7 Drawbacks), remote working provides flexibility, fewer interruptions, no commute time, and a better family work-life balance. On the other hand, the article also mentions how remote working creates less in-person contact, miscommunication through digital messages, and a lack of self-motivation. To create a sustainable remote work culture, companies need to find ways to support their employees through possible incentives and more community building with co-workers  

In the future, I believe hybrid models will be a good solution to having both in-person interaction and digital flexibility. For education, this means finding creative ways to blend online resources and engagement with traditional in-class teaching models. As for remote work, having split days in the office and online work will help solve the break from human contact and misunderstanding over written communication. Overall, staying connected and having conversations about how we want to shape our digital future will help us improve this transition to more online less in person.

https://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/articles/pros-and-cons-of-working-from-home

[thejesusmaninred]

"The Daydreamer." From Mark 3: 1-6.

The Sabbath is just a huge pain in the ass, isn't it? Mankind has a deep misunderstanding of what it means, what to do reach it and how to observe it when it arrives.

The word Sabbath comes from:

Sa= this one

Bb=port, gangway

At=together you

H=defines your existence.

From:

"The verb היה (haya), or its older version הוה (hawa), means to be busy acting out the behavior that defines that which acts. This verb never describes static existence (the dog is outside) but always the performance of a specific behavior that defines whichever is behaving in such a way (the dog is outside barking, sniffing, chasing squirrels, digging up bones and running off the mailman)."

We do not want, as the etymology suggests to define our lives by watching each other chase squirrels.

So in spite of many restrictions against doing anything on the Sabbath, Jesus acts on the Sabbath so people know what to do, how to feel, how to think about the final stage of life after one realizes One is NOT God but can be very much like Him if he works at it.

There is a possible allusion to the fact this might mean after the big game or performance at the recital one "rests" and this is the Sabbath but that is also not correct. It does not mean mandatory church attendance on Sunday, one can go on Wednesday and keep that day holy. Sabbath day is the day one's conclusions about the Self become self-evident.

To this end Jesus tells a poor sick and suffering sorry addict to religion to stretch forth his hand:

Jesus Heals on the Sabbath

3 Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. 

2 Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. 3 Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone.”

4 Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent.

5 He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.

 6 Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.

Jesus has this discussion and performs a miracle in opposition to observers called Pharisees "paranormal investigators" and Herodians, "homeless cowards." Technically speaking one does not heal or get healed on the Sabbath, it is not possible to do it. This is why the Pharisees challenge Jesus because their definition and His do not align:

"The roots פרס (paras) and פרש (paras) most basically speak of a sudden bursting forth in a wide spray of elements of something that was previously well concealed.

Verb פרס (paras) means to break and divide in equal shares (of bread, for instance). Noun פרס (peres) denotes a kind of unclean bird (perhaps a vulture, or perhaps a didactyl, i.e. a two-toed bird; an ostrich). Noun פרסה (parsa) means hoof (both cloven and solid ones) but may also refer to a whole animal as unit-of-the-herd (like our modern word "head"). Noun פרש (parash) means either horse or horseman as unit-of-the-army.

Verb פרש (paras) means to spread or spread out (of wings, hands, nets, and so on). Noun מפרש (mipras) refers to either a spreading out or a thing spread out.

Verb פרשׁ (parash) means to declare with precision, make wholly obvious or fully explain. Noun פרשה (parasha) refers to a precise statement. Noun פרש (peresh) means fecal matter or the exposed bowels of a sacrificial animal (and remember that to the ancients the emotional heart resided in the bowels).

Note that our modern word "science" shares a root with the word "schism," and literally describes the act of breaking and spreading out."

There have been centuries of ignorance over what it means in Judaism to kill someone or stone them to death. The proper term means "to kill the delusion with rational reason". Recall Jesus was trying to get a bunch of loosely organized Jews to join the cause, and this was not going to happen for just anyone for any old reason. So they tried to tabah or kill Him for it:

"The verb טבח (tabah) means to slaughter, butcher, slay, or kill. The basic meaning of this root is to "deliberately slaughter or butcher an animal for food" (says HAW Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament). Metaphorically the verb is used to indicate the preparation of wisdom for foolish mankind (Proverbs 9:2), or the description of a foolish young man's fate when he nears a prostitute for the wrong reasons (Proverbs 7:22). The verb is usually subject to the element of planning (Jeremiah 11:19), and used for the sacrificial slaughter, eventually even the Messianic offering (Isaiah 53:7), and the release of all nations (Isaiah 34:2)."

To kill Jesus, the Pharisees needed to unearth His secrets and give them to the rest of the world, but they were are the Gospel says, "herods" very scared.

This discussion about revolution and its purposes is completely germane to the purposes of the Sabbath, or the "meaning of life".

This is not the only time we will find something unexpected in the translation from Hebrew to Greek to English, but t now it is done.

The Values in Gematria are:

v. 1: Another time, Jesus.

Time in Judaism is a measurement of utility, how useful things are. Jesus visits a man who is not useful on the Sabbath Day and changes his life:

"The noun τιμη (time), literally means worth or dearness and may describe something that is deemed dear or valuable, but also simply the pecuniary value or purchasing price of some commercial good. Our noun comes from the verb τιω (tio), which is curiously absent from the New Testament but often used in the classics. It means to honor, revere, prize highly, or simply just price in the sense of putting a price tag on an item. When this verb is used as a legal term it means to estimate the amount of punishment due to a criminal; the price to pay.

Our noun τιμη (time), being such a pivotal word, is ubiquitous in the New Testament. It's often translated with "honor" but that may be a bit unfortunate as in our modern world this word mostly describes an incurred value and the compliance therewith, while our noun τιμη (time) represents an intrinsic value and the recognition thereof.

Translators of the Bible (particularly Roman ones) were quite hung up on shows of reverence and honor, but sentiments like that rarely crossed the minds of the authors of the New Testament, especially in the sense that honor and being honored would be things to pursue. Instead the authors stressed a pursuit of practical value and usefulness, not of applause and medals. The verb φιλοτιμεομαι (philotimeomai, see below), means value-loving not honor-loving.

In the New Testament our word always has to do with the recognition of something or someone's true identity and employability (Hebrews 5:4). Husbands are not to vainly "honor" their wives (what does that mean, anyway?) but to consciously recognize their specific and particular value to the house (1 Peter 3:7; "according to knowledge"; also see 1 Thessalonians 4:4) in the same way that the kings of the earth will incorporate their specific and particular value into the workings of the City of God (Revelation 21:23-26).

All this may seem terribly imperial but it really isn't. Being unemployed or underestimated is a grave assault on a person's self-esteem and employing someone is the same as confirming that person's value. The people of Malta "showed respect to" Paul and company with "many dearnesses" (Acts 28:10), but that was in response to Paul's healing half the island and just prior to the people lavishing their guests with everything they themselves required."

The Number is 6868, ו‎חוח‎ ‎, "the thistle, the briar in the cleft."

The Burning Bush on Sinai is the human intellect that recognizes its own determinations. The famous conversation between Moses and God establishes God is not going to tell us who or how to be, but He will assist in the ways we decide:

From Exodus 33:

GOD said, “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” Moses said, “If your presence doesn’t take the lead here, call this trip off right now. How else will it be known that you’re with me in this, with me and your people? Are you traveling with us or not? How else will we know that we’re special, I and your people, among all other people on this planet Earth?" 17 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” 18 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

19 And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” 21 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

Except God says, "not just My Glory, your own must be seen":

v. 2-3: Stand up in front of everyone! Men are supposed to stand up like sheaves of wheat, ready to be threshed for the purposes of citizenship in the nation and to function responsibly in the home.

Sheaves are #1969, יטו‎ט, yotto, "to admit it to oneself." Also means to "Cross the Jordan," = 1201, א'רא‎ "yes, yes", "I will read and make an appeal."

The Number is 12407, יבםז‎‎, yabmaz, "Since then, thenceforth..."

"I am nothing other than myself."

Sabbath or Shabbat therefore= Self-actualization.

v. 4: Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent.

The Number is 7933, ז‎טגג‎ ‎ ‎, zteg, "the glass cutter." Sentient persons are able to discern, they know how to differentiate and elevate their thoughts and position statements during conversations and make appropriate responses:

"When ten thousand visitors of a country fair are asked to guess the amount of beans in a glass jar, the average of all the guesses tends to be more accurate than the best single guess.

This is a phenomenon called "the Wisdom of Crowds." As James Surowiecki noted in his 2004 book: "Chasing the expert is a mistake" since "we have been designed to operate in groups." Yet "the best way for a group to be smart is for each person in it to think and act as independently as possible."

Such an independent thinker is someone who doesn't take orders from an earthly superior, or accepts dogmas from a religion, but is someone who is dedicated to Truth, whatever that might turn out to be. The Bible identifies three kinds of those sovereigns: prophets, high-priests and kings, and these three sovereign offices were marked by anointing.

Any sovereign thinker always fits at least one of those three categories, and in Biblical terms is always an "Anointed", regardless of whether one actually partakes in the physical ritual involving physical oil. Since the Bible very often mentions prophets, high-priests and kings, it also very often mentions the title Anointed.

The Hebrew word for Anointed is משיח (mashiah), from the verb משח (mashah), to anoint. The Greek word for Anointed is χριστος (christos), from the verb χριω (chrio), to anoint. So no, the familiar words Christ and Messiah are not reserved for Jesus but describe anybody Sovereign: any prophet, high priest and king, in the past, present and future."

v. 5: His Hand was completely restored. The Number is 8247, ח‎בדז, Chabad Habdaz, "as a slave, you checked."

Darkness is checked by the evidence of God's existence. The man with the shriveled hand, the one who did not believe in himself found God by meditating upon existence itself. This is all the proof we need God wants us to be here and to be the perfect individual we think we are meant to be.

v. 6: Then the Pharisees went out. The Number is 6575, ו‎הזה, "This one has a raving daydream." They said.

The most famous dream of them all took place when Jacob ascended into the form of Israel and gave birth to a new nation. The Pharisees and Herodians agreed Jesus was experiencing the same dream.

So back to how to find one's own rave and enter into a state of Shabbat...Every religion speaks of a moment when all ignorance and dependence fall away and the soul itself is revealed. Christians probably more than any other practitioner take this for granted due to the lies and misinterpretations of the Christ that have been peddled for centuries.

To observe Shabbat, one must be as a slave or a prisoner to Judaism, and become an highly evolved, ethical being. Once one has guaranteed one shall do no more harm, one is ready to enter into the Presence of God and realize the unique righteous and good qualities which He has placed in store for us. The experience has no potential for memory extinction and is permanent,

"Verb ישב (yashab) means to sit (the act which occurs precisely in between a person's descent and ascent) or to remain or dwell (in between traveling to and from some place). Nouns שבת (shebet) and מושב (moshab) mean both seat or dwelling place. Noun תושב (toshab) means sojourner.

The verb שבת (shabbat) means to rest or cease activity, and the familiar noun שבת (shabbat) means a rest or stoppage.

Noun שבת (shebbet) means cessation and is closely similar to the noun שבת (shebet), meaning seat, mentioned above.

Noun משבת (mishbat) also means cessation. Denominative verb שבת (shabat) means to keep the Sabbath and the noun שבתון (shabbaton) denotes a sabbatical observance.

Verb שבה (shaba) means to take captive, or to put a halt to someone's preferred trajectory and coerce them to go somewhere else.

Nouns שבי (shebi) and שביה (shibya) mean captivity or captives collectively, but with the emphasis on being moved somewhere rather than the static condition of being imprisoned. Likewise, the noun שביה (shebiya) means captive.

Noun שבית (shebit) or שבות (shebut) means captivity but since the parent verb speaks of a sudden change of destiny rather than a particular destination, this noun may also be used to mean restoration. The noun שבו (shebo) describes some sort of gem, apparently a real "head-turner."

So Sabbath or Shabbat is "being moved somewhere, to be in charge of one's destiny, to become a gem of a head-turner."

Obviously this idea conflicted with Roman laws concerning conscription. In fact, the Romans hunted down everyone in ear shot of it and killed them, circa 73-74 CE. The Gospel of Mark, 70 CE must have been the reason.

A shriveled hand even still, a slave is no good. According to Jesus, he might as well be dead. But a man who understands Shabbat is no longer a captive. He is the one we around whom we want to live.