#but we can’t stop until the end of the semester bc we’re teaching and doing a million things and everyone needs us 😍😍😍😍😍😍

[pepprs]

if i could just get like 3 more hours of sleep every night. maybe even 2. i would be so powerful

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (1/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Allison  

in the aftermath of the “mob war”, Allison still sees Betsy for counselling, mostly to cope with Seth’s death still, her ED and to process her childhood and teenage trauma

Betsy teaches her a lot about self-care (and not in Allison’s traditionnal definitions of self-care, which are: bottle it up, act out, burn through 500$ in clothes, repeat)

all in all, Allison has a lot to come to terms with by the end of the semester, and Betsy won’t be there as much in the summer, so she leaves her with a little list of self-care tips to look at when Ally feels overwhelmed

- pick a time to make yourself some tea, or try out some new ones and tell me about it next time

- try drawing with those wonderful pencils of yours, but in different art styles (because yes, Allison does have a fashion sketchbook. but silly doodles? abstract drawings? anatomy sketches? she never tried)

- watch movies by yourself, and for yourself, Allison

- since you love shopping and spending so much, find yourself a cozy thing, a soft thing that will only be for yourself, when you need to be reminded to love yourself and be gentle with yourself

those were the suggestions that stuck to Ally the most

so the next time she goes out to the mall with Dan and Renee, she doesn’t expect to find anything like Betsy suggested

she does look for some herbal tea at David’s Tea, and ends up getting some hibiscus + rose water green tea

but then they go to Walmart (she wants to gag)

fucking Walmart

the girls need some pads and tampons, and the gatorades are on sale (because all the Foxes, as a treat for winning the Championship and bc they all want to stay close after the hard year they endured, got to stay on campus for the whole summer (idc if it’s unrealistic, sue me, that’s how i roll))

for once, Allison follows Dan and Renee, without looking at anything, without touching anything (what if she catches it??)

then Renee wants to look for socks

that’s when Ally passes a rack of colorful onesies

one brushes the tip of her elbow, and wow it’s so soft

not at all the quality material she expected

she stops in her tracks, lets the girls go on to the underwear section, and really looks at the pajamas

there are lots of unicorns, and pandas, a few mouses, and two giraffes

bright yellow, light-spotted giraffes, with their little ears and antlers and all

the sewn-on eyes are closed and have cute little lashes details

Allison imagines herself wearing it and feels utterly stupid

but- she keeps running her fingers through the synthetic velvety material, mesmerized by its softness

she thinks back on Betsy’s list

the folks would absolutely loathe it. the high school bitches too. God, even Seth would say it’s fucking stupid. Nobody should ever be seen wearing that…

But I wouldn’t have to worry about my man-shoulders in it… or my stomach… or my thighs… I could even go braless, or wear just that cute little bralette I haven’t got the courage to wear yet… and I think Renee would agree it’s cute…

then she hears Betsy’s soothing voice in her head

But do you like it?

Yes. Yes I do.

and that’s how Allison takes down the onesie, cashes out and waits for the two other girls outside the Walmart entrance, feeling silly, and jitty, yet quite happy with herself

back at Fox Tower, she washes it immediately, only to stuff it back under her bed

it stays there for quite a few weeks, until it’s almost time for school to start again, her last year at PSU

the boys are out at the beach, Andrew and Neil are God-knows-where, Renee is meeting a friend, and Dan is out shopping with her Sisters

Ally is alone, and lonely

she’s craving something, something that feels close to how one of her nanny used to take care of her hair before bedtime, telling her stories of folklore around the world

guessing that nobody will be back before sundown, she reaches underneath her bed and takes out the giraffe onesie

she gets rid of her high-waisted skinny jeans, her silky cropped blouse and her high-heeled sandals in favor of Seth’s old Marvel boxer shorts, her baby blue bralette she still hasn’t worn, and the infamous onesie

and wow, it’s so baggy

as she buttons up the front, it almost feels like being wrapped up in a giant, fluffy pancake

she giggles to herself, like a little girl

until she goes to look at herself in the mirror, where she straight-up bursts out laughing

she feels so, so light

she puts on a pair of Renee’s fuzzy socks with the sticky soles and leaves her bedhair as it is

she spends the rest of the day on the couch, watching Barbie movies from the hidden collection she has in her closet while painting her real nails in rainbow colors

she makes herself a big cup of the tea she bought, and lights an ocean-breeze candle

between Barbie as the Island Princess and Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus, she even goes so far as going at the end of the hallway to buy some sugar-free gummy bears from the vending machine, completely forgetting herself…

of course, this is when the boys, including Andrew and Neil, are coming back from their day outdoors

she stops dead in her tracks when she turns around and sees them, a *giraffe* caught in the headlights

the boys only notice her because she stops moving so abruptly

she’s speechless

the boys, not so much

Kevin: *oblivious to the onesie situation* So you’re the one hoarding the healthy gummies. Dude give back some.

Matt: Oh, hi Ally… *raises his pointer finger, opens and closes his mouth in awe, lowers his arm back down* Cute?

Andrew: *his face says he doesn’t give a shit, but he’ll let the image make its way to his heart eventually* *very sneakily snaps an adorable pic for the group chat*

Neil: *whispering to Andrew, genuinely confused*  I thought these were for babies? Do we qualify as babies? Why is Ally dressed like a baby, Andrew?

Nicky: BITCHHHHHH I shoulda made a bet on THAT!

Aaron: Well fuck. 60 points to Hufflepuff for cuteness.  Ugh. I can’t believe I said “cute”. Jesus, I wanna vomit. Eurk.

Allison slowly makes her way back to her dorm room without a word, her cheeks flushed and her eyes to the ground, clutching her bag of gummies

she hasn’t felt this vulnerable since Seth’s passing

an hour later, she’s still hiding under her blankets as Renee and Dan file in

of course, they saw the photo posted to their group chat, and they heard everything from Matt and Nicky

Renee gets under the covers with Ally, and Dan proceeds to show off the goods she got with a very silly runway walk

they don’t say anything, until Neil sends a new picture on the GC

it’s a printed version of Andrew’s picture, pinned to the locker room wall with all the other photos they’ve accumulated

and everybody in the chat is dying of cuteness overload

Ally’s got that look of a toddler caught red handed, so open and genuine and surprised; her mouth is slighlty opened in an “o” shape; her mismatched fuzzy socks are peeking from underneath the bunched up fabric at her ankles; the hood is pulled up and slouching over her head…

but nobody, nobody, is making fun of her

we’re talking about the Foxes here. they never pull their punches.

so this? unexpected. shocking. astounding.

and right at the bottom of the picture, in shaky black marker: Baby Ally

with a poorly drawn heart next to it

in Neil’s unmistakeable handwriting

she cries

and never again is she ashamed of wandering around in her giraffe onesie

and if from then on, many Foxes gifts are soft things for her, well, that is called character development

[opheliasbrokenmind]

Hey pal! I've got a request for you :) How about Mahone having a concussion and has to stay in hospital for weeks and company's not happy with this and force him into field again and he gets hurt again bc he can't concentrate and all :') I hope everyhting's alright with you

i just realised how much i’ve missed writing for him <3

‘Has anyone heard from Agent Mahone?’ Wheeler asked the office and you watched the people shaking their heads. It’s been three days since he disappeared and you found yourself at the FBI building, looking for him. ‘Do you know him?’ A woman with a sharp suit appeared in front of you and you frowned, ‘Yes, I do. I thought he could be here since he works late.’

‘And who are you supposed to be?’ She sounded harsh so you didn’t soften your face as you answered, ‘A close friend, and you are?’ You hoped the emphasis on the word would ring a bell and when she replied, you knew she got the message. ‘His colleague.’ You forced a smile and nodded, ‘Nice to meet you, Miss?’

‘Lang.’ She said and walked away, you stood alone and looked at the other man, ‘Thank you for asking people.’ The agent simply nodded and you left the building, thinking of a way to find him. Then your phone started to ring and you picked it immediately, ‘Alex?’

‘Good afternoon, Miss y/n.’ You looked at the screen and read his name again, then you frowned. ‘Who is this? Where’s Alex?’

‘Don’t panic, I’m calling from the Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Mr Mahone had an accident.’ You froze on the street and leaned to a wall, trying to stay calm but your heart was beating madly. ‘Is he alright?’ You managed to say and the woman on the other side sighed, ‘He will be. He was saying your name in his sleep so I thought I could call you.’

‘I’ll be there as soon as possible.’ You said and she ended the call. Your hands were shaking when you finally found a taxi and thanks to the traffic, you were there in twenty minutes. Time seemed to slow down though, every single minute pained you until you walked into the hospital.

‘Hello, can you tell me which room Alexander Mahone is staying?’ The secretary searched his name and turned to you, ‘Are you his wife, Pamela?’ The name pissed you off but you just shook your head, ‘They divorced. I’m his... friend.’ The girl smiled softly, ‘I see. We tried to reach her but she said she wasn’t living here anymore. His room number is 407.’

Once you found the room, a doctor was leaving but you ran after him. ‘Doctor, wait!’ The man turned to you and waited, ‘I’m here for Alex. Can you tell me what happened?’ He nodded, ‘All we know is he had a concussion but we’re not sure what caused it. It can be an accident or a fight, I’m not sure.’

‘What would you say?’ You asked and the man sighed, ‘Considering his line of work, I’d say a fight but that’s just a guess. Mr Mahone is a strong man so he will recover but it’s going to take time. We have to be sure he’s resting and your presence will be helpful.’ You listened carefully and asked once he was done, ‘Is there anything I can do now?’

‘Talk to him. He probably can’t answer but he’ll hear you. Let him know you’re here for him. If anything happens, ask for a nurse.’ Then he left and you stood at the corridor, trying to convince yourself that he’ll heal soon.

You opened the door and the scene in front of you hurt your whole body. The agent was lying unconscious on the bed, there was a bandage around his head and he looked so pale. Then there were cables on his body and machines beeping loudly. You forced yourself to close the door and walk to the armchair next to him before you let a tear fall down. 

It took you a few minutes to gather up, then you reached his hand and it felt cold compared to your warm one. ‘Hi, it’s me, y/n.’ You said and waited for a reaction but he didn’t move a finger so you continued. ‘I called you a few times but you didn’t answer. I thought you were on a mission or maybe you wanted to have some space, that you’d let me know soon. I went to the Bureau today and asked Agent Wheeler but he said nobody heard from you. Then a nurse called me from your phone, said you were saying my name.’

‘You scared me so much, Alex. I’m still afraid, the doctor said you’ll be fine but I just can’t help but fear... Don’t you ever leave me, okay?’ You sighed and played with his fingers, ‘Agent Lang asked me who I was and I told I’m your friend. Well, I think we are more than that, I mean you’re more than a friend to me but I wasn’t sure if you wanted people to know so I didn’t say anything more. I didn’t want to put you in a difficult position.’

‘Oh, I always talk and now I can talk as much as I want but I hate it. I don’t want to talk, I want to hear you talking. I want to see your eyes, the blues filled with energy and watch them.’ Then you didn’t know what to say, it felt like nothing you could say would change the situation so you stayed silent. You watched his chest moving as he breathed and you focused on the fact that he was alive and you were by his side. Otherwise, you knew you wouldn’t hold your tears.

Doctors and nurses came and left, informing you everything looked fine. When it was almost three in the morning, you got up from the armchair and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek, ‘Good night, Alex.’

You woke up at eight and went to grab a cup of coffee, ‘Maybe the smell of coffee can wake you up, huh?’ You smiled to yourself and sipped your drink, admiring him. ‘I realise how beautiful you are now, you know? I wish I could remember every detail of your face. I also feel stupid, because I should’ve told you this earlier. Now I’m not even sure if you can hear me but just know that... you mean a lot to me and I don’t know what I’ll do if anything happens to you.’

Your hand found his fingers once again and you pressed your lips on his hand, ‘I know things with Pam have been hard and I want to be by your side as long as I can.’ He squeezed your hand weakly and your eyes widened with shock, ‘Can you hear me? Wait, I’ll call the nurse.’

‘I swear, he squeezed my hand.’ You explained to the woman and held his hand again, ‘Alex, can you hear me?’ The nurse waited but nothing happened. ‘I don’t want to upset you but that was probably a reflex.’ She gave you a weak smile and left, you sighed and rested on the armchair.

‘I avoided to answer before but yes, I used to play the piano. I wanted to be a pianist but then... I broke my wrist and it still hurts if I push the limits. Then I decided to study Art History and you know I’ll teach at the university next semester.’

‘I like to admire those paintings and they remind me of you. I know you think you’re a bit old for me but... I don’t believe it’s about ages, what’s important is understanding the other person and I’m trying to understand you. Every time I tell you something, I feel like you care about it and I like this about you, so much.’

‘I like hearing your voice.’ He whispered suddenly and you grabbed his hand, intertwinning your fingers, ‘You are awake! Wait, let me call the doctor.’ You tried to get up but he stopped you, ‘y/n, I need to talk to you first.’

‘There are some people and they know what happened to Shales. What I did to him... They want me to catch the Fox River escapees and I’m here because I had a little argument with one of them.’ Your jaw dropped as you listened to him, ‘Are you serious? Do you want me to call the police or the Bureau?’

‘No, they can’t help and if they find out about Shales, they’d send me to prison without blinking an eye.’ He watched you carefully and you sighed, ‘We’ll talk about this later, okay? What matters now is your recovery and I’m going to take the doctor now.’

The same doctor checked him and said everything was normal, ‘You need to rest at least one week to heal, otherwise, it can leave permanent damage. How do you feel now?’ 

‘I don’t feel bad.’ He said and the doctor smiled to you, ‘You see, now you can worry less.’ Then he left the room and you felt your cheeks getting hotter as Alex watched you with a sincere smile on his face. ‘Before you ask, I heard pretty much all of it.’ You turned your head to avoid his gaze but his hand stopped you, cupping your cheek softly. You leaned into his touch and closed your eyes, ‘I meant every word.’

‘I know you did but I’m not sure if that’s the safest way now, y/n. These people are on my back and I have to give them what they want. I don’t want them to know about you, I can’t risk it.’ You moved away and frowned, ‘What are you trying to say?’

‘I need you to stay away from me until this is over.’ You didn’t know what to say for a moment, ‘What? No, Alex, I want to be with you.’

‘I want you, too, love. Just for a while and when it’s over, I won’t repeat my mistakes. We’ll have a life together, alright? I promise.’ A tear dropped on your cheek and you wiped it away, ‘Don’t do this, don’t push me away.’

Later that day, you went home to have a shower and bring him some clothes and when you were back the next morning, the secretary said he checked himself out and left. You tried to reach him but his phone number was invalid. You didn’t know the visit the Company paid to him and what would happen if he continued to stay in the hospital and do nothing.

Six days after that you woke up to the knocking on your door and you weren’t expecting to see him. You stepped back so he could come inside but you noticed how it pained him to move. ‘What happened?’ 

‘I almost had Scofield but then... he ran away and let’s say that didn’t make them happy.’ You watched him sitting on the sofa and taking off his suit jacket. ‘Are they going to attack you every time something goes wrong?’ You helped him to unbutton his shirt as he leaned back, ‘If it’s not me then it’ll be Pam or Cam.’

‘Alex...’ You tried to speak but the words left you, leaving you in pain. Then you noticed the purpleness on his chest and tears escaped from your eyes, crying as you stood on your knees with his shirt in your hands. He grabbed your arms and you saw the muscles on his arms tighten, ‘I will be okay. It was a mistake to come here but... I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone.’

You pressed a kiss on his chest and stood up, ‘I’ll draw you a bath right now, is it okay?’ He whispered thank you and you turned back to give him a kiss on the lips, ‘Then we will have dinner and you’ll get a good sleep.’ Once his body was relaxed and his stomach was full, he let you tuck him in a blanket and you two cuddled until one of you fell asleep. That night, he realised even at the worst times, there was something beautiful and unique.

[concertcs]

hey guys 🥰💌✨🥺💘🌈 it’s me again !! ur old pal hannah !  n this is my angel child tito <3 welcome to loving tito hours <3 

okay so before i jump into this, as a disclaimer i just finished finals week for a 17 credit semester so my brain is just like. tv static and evermore on loop. so if ur looking for an actually well-written, cohesive bio n stats n other fun stuff u can find that in my app which i did in fact write Prior to finals week !  okay on with the show !

okay so tito is the second child born to luis n angela rosario n the younger sibling of sebastián n tbh i know im biased but i love the rosarios sm 🥺 luis was an aspiring musician n angela worked 3 jobs to support them n they had a rly happy life together for a little while :/

tito first got into music when they were in first grade n their music teacher señora coco stayed after school to teach him how to play the piano n they loved it !!  luis was Thrilled bc he swore from the day tito was born tht they were destined to be a musician with him n thus began the dream of the two of them would be a successful father-son duo one day <3

spoiler alert: it did not happen 💔

(death tw) luis was killed in a drive by shooting when tito was 15 😔 n it was rly hard on them 😔 they stopped playing music altogether n definitely went through this moment where they likely pushed away Everyone bc so much of their grief manifested as anger 😔 (end tw)

it didn’t last forever !  but !  the minute that he started to kind of regain his footing, angel was like hey we’re leaving the city !! let’s go !! n tito was like no 💖 bc they wanted to stay in la and salvage what they could of their dad’s dream... so they did

they also went to community college !!  which was when he started to rly start to feel like himself again 🥺 but once they graduated they started working at this radio station to get their foot in the door n it backfired bc they’ve been stuck there for 3 years now... so sorry to them

the day that tito found the killer conclusions cd was actually their 3 yr anniversary exactly which was exactly as depressing as u think it is :/  so to cheer himself up they went to the thrift store for a blind date with a cd which was this tradition that his dad created for them when tito was little (ngl it makes me emotional i wrote a longer thing abt it in my app) n basically told tito that if you picked the most nondescript cd you can find then you’re not being biased n youre just letting the music find you 

and ofc !  as we all know tito’s fate is to get haunted by our fave ghost band !  and here we are !

so that’s the sparknotes version of his bio sdfkdjs here are the hcs i wrote in my app bc i think they say a lot abt him <3

so tito grew up listening to a lot of his father’s favorite latine artists, n luis’s favorite is .. ofc… ricky martin bc he’s from puerto rico and livin la vida loca is a bop !  but tito’s own personal favorite artist is selena. the first Real Song that they ever learned (as in not hot cross buns or twinkle, twinkle little star) to play on the piano was dreaming of you, which is one of his two favorite selena songs to this day. it’s tied with amor prohibido <3

tito loves to dance n they are absolutely shameless about it. they grew up watching their parents samba in the kitchen n he was immediately like Okay Me Too. are they a particularly great dancer? no ❤️ but that does not deter them n what they lack in technical skill they make up for in enthusiasm

very, very, very much a Disaster Gay with the emphasis on disaster. like he Does Not know how to talk to boys at all n gets very flustered n nervous when he does . especially bc i think this is a pretty recent development for them. as in like .. within the last 5 years n it probably took him a long ass time to work their way through bc like. they were a little busy trying to figure out their relationship with gender

which! speaking of! they always knew that they didn’t 100% connect with being a Boy, like… the same way that he could say that he liked green beans sometimes, or they only wanted pepperoni on their pizza sometimes, he only felt like a boy sometimes. it wasn’t that they felt like a girl the rest of the time, though. they just didn’t have the words to describe what they felt like the rest of the time — not until they took their first gender studies class at community college. finding out that there was a community of people who were like him was a huge weight off of their shoulder n also kind of marked the point where they could start figuring out their sexuality

i think tito has a very Cozy home but like .. they just embody a lot of coziness to me in general. he definitely has a lot of plants, n 100% of their furniture n decor are thrifted but he’s a cancer so we know tht means their home n making sure they’re comfy there is very important

tito is very very Very fiercely protective of his people n you have to definitely prove yourself in order for them to let you anywhere near his people. like when the ghosts first showed up they absolutely had to earn their trust before they would let anyone go near like.. allegro mainly. perhaps nocturne also had to win his trust before tito was like Okay with them being around the ghosts bc ksdjfds he’s a cancer at heart n has an unbearable amount of love to give

king of emojis tbh djfksdj i genuinely don’t think he knows how to send a text without an emoji unless they’re like.. actually rly upset.. but Usually big on emojis. every time that he gets the chance to say “no ❤️'' their soul leaves their body a little bit in excitement

tito’s favorite season is winter and every single year when it rolls around they’re devastated that it’s too warm in california for it to snow 😔 he’s never seen snow in his life but he loves it n is very determined to see it one day 

he’s a Can’t Drive gay 😔 but they grew up in the city so what do we rly expect from him? if we’re being honest with ourselves? nothing! instead they skateboard wherever they can n take the subway wherever they can’t <3 n is very jealous that ghosts don’t need subway cards

when they do happen to go on drives However they are the world’s greatest passenger seat dj .. n Yes it is a very elaborate radio show setup complete with regularly pausing for radio host talk show segments, calling in requests, and made-up giveaway games

they play the piano n the guitar n that’s all right now but i think he would Love to learn a new instrument they just never had the resources or the time 

speaking of music… it is definitely kind of on hold right now as far as actually performing But i think they definitely try to do little open mic night things when they can… perhaps he tried to push for the bar he works at to have an open mic night? idk <3 but even when playing music in public isn’t an option they’re always writing songs (or trying to) at home, usually in the late hours of the night after an evening shift at the bar 

i think tht he definitely still Does speak spanish but like. not as much with other people anymore after their dad passed away. partially bc luis was the primary person who spoke spanish w tito.. angela only spoke english.. so like once he was gone they didn’t really have a reason to speak it.. but Also even when he Does have a chance to i think it feels a little too much like it’s reopening the wound in a way tht tito just tries to Avoid

fictional characters tht inspired tito? julie molina kdsjfdsk <3 also miguel from coco n Honestly both julian And yadriel from cemetery boys

okay im so sorry for all the words <3 if ur still reading this thank u pls message me on discord let’s plot <3

[dreamsafterhours]

college boyfriend!markhyuk au series: I (mark’s pathway)

a universe in which roommates!markhyuk meet each other's s/o in class

markhyuk are roommates, my/n and dy/n are roommates, mark and dy/n take classes together and so do donghyuk and my/n — how will their fates intertwine?

genre: fluff pairing: platonic!donghyuk+my/n format: dotpoint AU universe: non idol, college best friend warnings: n/a

please read the prologue before reading!

masterlist

or click here to meet your new best friend, eng lit!mark :))

0 ⇤ | I | ⇥ II

I: the fateful meetings

the beginning of the companionship between donghyuk + my/n

donghyuk is kinda late

on the first day

to the first lecture

of the first semester you get it

anyways, in case you didn’t notice, he’s late

not rlllllly late it just seemed like it bc the prof started a couple minutes earlier than scheduled and he walked in alone afterwards

and besides, he isn’t the last person into the lecture theatre anyways

so he walked into the lecture theatre cursing the architect who designed the room so that the entrances were at the front at either end of the stage so everyone could see who walked in and out

luckily, since it was the first day, the prof excuses him bc he was likely a first year who got lost

but he’s technically a second year who only just decided on a major so here he is, taking a first year biology subject

so by the time he walks in, the only available seat closest to the entrance he walked in from is next to yours fate wills it so

so he sits there with a small smile at you but didn’t really bother you afterwards until

the prof’s reading out the syllabus and key dates and even tho you’ve already got it all outlined in your prewritten notes off the subject handbook, you listen intently to make sure you didn’t miss anything

the boy next to you starts rummaging around his bag and stops, then lets out a disbelieving exhale under his breath

you notice and look over at him

he makes eye contact and laughs a little harder, making you smile

“did you forget something?”

“i’ve forgotten my laptop in my dorm...” he tells you in a whisper, screwing his eyes shut and tilting his head back in disbelief

you have to stifle a laugh “oh no... do you have a class right after this?”

he shakes his head no, “i have an hour free, thank god.. i’ll run back and get it later”

you turn back to the professor, but you find it against your conscience to just leave it at that

"do you... want me to send my notes over to your email?”

“ah, that’s fine. this lecture should only be about the syllabus anyway, i can find that online. thanks, tho” he adds, nodding and shooting you a grin

since the prof started a tad earlier than scheduled, they finished early and gave some time for you to “introduce yourselves to the person next to you”

so you turn to him because the girl next to you had already become acquainted with the person on her other side

“i’m donghyuk. second year here, but i just chose my major, so i’m taking first year classes this year.”

you nod, “my/n, i’m first year. yeah.”

“cool. i thought so,” he nods back

“was it the first year subject that gave it away?”

“nah, it was the fact that you had prewritten notes of the syllabus but actually listened to the prof”

you laugh, “touché”

a short silence you lowkey hate silence but most of the time you rely on the other person to keep the conversation going unless you’re super close and you have a lot to talk about

“so what major did you choose?”

“med, to get into paediatrics”

you light up, “ooh! i’m thinking of med too”

“really?? nice, any field you’re thinking of?”

“i’m considering midwifery or nursing, actually”

he naturally offers a fist bump and you’re glad it’s not awkward

“eyy! let’s save the children! you deliver them, i’ll treat them. maybe we’ll have children ourselves and you teach me how to deliver” he grins jokingly

you laugh and decide he’s easy enough to talk to bc you lowkey didn’t realise he meant your own children like between you two

“no, but seriously, this is like one of those cheesy movies, we could be partners in med and then partners wed”

a short pause as you process

“nah i’m kidding lol.. unless” stop flirting with the wrong girl donghyuk

he giggles at your reaction and you realise he’s actually joking so you decide to join in

“oh my god we’re moving too fast donghyuk” to which he laughs out loud

by the end of the lecture, you realise that maybe he’s like this with everyone he meets and in the next lecture, he’ll sit somewhere else and befriend other people like this so you decide not to make any promises to sit next to each other but

“do you have insta?”

“oh—yeah, give me a sec”

you fish your phone out of your bag and let him type in his user

“thanks for offering to send me the notes, by the way, i owe you one”

you shake your hands in front of you “oh, that’s fine, don’t worry about it”

“nah, let me know if you need something”

so you consider

“actually.. you said you had a free hour after this right”

“yeah”

“can you show me where this building is.. i still can’t find it and i’ve got that class next”

“oh yeah sure”

so he walks you to the building and on the way, you pass his dorm (he insists he’ll get his laptop after he drops you off since you don’t have time to wait) so when he points it out, you say that your dorm is just across from his

“oh, you live on campus?”

“yeah! i really like my roommate”

“that’s good. my roommate’s old” sry mark

“how old?”

“third year”

“that’s not old!”

“he’s already groaning about a sore back when he gets out of bed tell me he’s not getting old”

anyways he drops you to the building and tells you to text him if you don’t know where a building is

then you arrive at your dorm after your last class, your roommate comes in and tells you about this third year she met in her first year class and you tell her about the new friend you made, laughing about how he highkey flirted with you on the first meeting

you find that he’s accepted your follow request and liked your one post

if you were told that you would be best friends in a couple of weeks

you.. could honestly believe that , because of how well your humour code matched his and how he was good at leading conversations and seeing the fact that you were comfortable enough to make your own semi flirtatious remarks back, you were going to become very close very fast

but oh well ,, let’s see how this plays out

click here to meet eng lit!mark :))

0 ⇤ | I | ⇥ II

[chasholidays]

I really like a Timestamp for Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old with the prompt "Graduation"

Original fic here!

Bellamy knows that Octavia didn’t pick a college in the Boston area just to delay his impending freakout about her growing up and moving away, but that was a side-effect of Boston College being her favorite place that she visited. It had felt like a good kind of compromise, her leaving the house but not leaving, and Bellamy hadn’t even minded that much. He loves his sister, but he really shouldn’t have had Octavia in the first place. When she left for college, his life fell into the place where it was probably supposed to be: he was a twenty-seven-year-old guy with a good job, a house, and a wife. If anything, he was ahead of the game.

So he was doing well. Octavia was close enough that she came home to do laundry sometimes, but it was mostly just him and Clarke, living in something like domestic bliss. There wasn’t any reason to think that would change, once Octavia finished college.

It’s about a month before said finishing of college when she says, “Hey, I got a job.”

“Yeah? Awesome, congrats. That’s amazing.”

“Right? It’s a one-year gig teaching English in Japan, but if I like it I can extend my contract for longer.”

Bellamy’s heart stops. “What?”

“Did I not tell you I was applying for that?”

“O–”

“It’s a job, and a cool one! I get a place to live and I get to see a whole new part of the world. How is that not awesome?”

“If you really thought I’d think it was awesome, you would have told me.”

“Just because you don’t think it’s good, that doesn’t mean you’re right. I knew you wouldn’t like it, but I didn’t want to have this fight unless I actually got it. Which I did.”

There’s an undeniable logic to it, not that it helps. His paranoid overprotectiveness is something his sister can plan around, something she has to factor into whatever she tells him. How many things must she have thought about doing that he doesn’t know about because she didn’t trust him not to blow up?

“You did,” he agrees, releasing his breath on a long exhalation. “And you’re excited?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Tell me why, so I get it.”

And to be fair to Octavia, she’s not lacking in reasons. She’s never left Boston and has always wanted to travel, she actually kind of likes teaching, and she wanted to see what it was like to be on her own without completely giving up a safety net. She looked into dozens of programs, compared them, and applied to a bunch, but this was her favorite, and she got in.

The least he can do is be happy for her.

“Sorry,” he says, soft. “That you couldn’t tell me.”

“I learned my lesson from the college conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I loved BC, but every time I talked about liking anywhere out of town, you shut down.”

Bellamy doesn’t remember it like that, but he’s never had as good a poker face as he thinks he does. He goes blank and thinks that will solve the problem, but his sister knows what a blank face means. He wasn’t fooling her.

“I know it takes me some time to get used to–I just want you to be happy. I’ll get over myself.”

“I know,” she says, her tone an eyeroll. “You haven’t stopped me doing anything I want to do, Bell. I just don’t tell you everything all the time.”

“I guess that’s probably fine. Did you tell Clarke?”

“Some, not everything. I told her I got this first so she’d be ready for your freakout.”

“You know you don’t have to manage my emotions for me, right?”

“I don’t do it for you, I do it for me. I want to minimize having to fight with you. Don’t act like you don’t do it too.”

She’s right, of course. He picks and chooses his fights with his sisters as much as he can, avoids it as much as possible, which is most of the time, these days. He doesn’t need to run his every decision by his sister, not even most of them.

“I know I do,” he tells her. “When do you leave?”

“A week after graduation.”

“Congrats. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. I’m so excited,” she admits, sounding like a giddy little girl, excitement gushing out. “I can’t wait.”

He’s not going to miss out on these conversations; he doesn’t want her to have to weigh whether or not it’s worth the fight to tell him what’s going on in her life. He’s going to deal with this, be better.

So he goes to Clarke, sinks down next to her on the couch and puts his head in her lap with a sigh.

“Octavia told you?”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“I feel like an asshole.”

“If it helps, she’s twenty-two, which is how old I was when I wasn’t telling my mom that I was marrying some random guy I found on craigslist. So you could be doing a lot worse.”

“Jesus,” he says, with a soft laugh. “I can’t believe we did that. O’s way too young to get married.”

“We weren’t really getting married. I didn’t think it was going to last.”

“It shouldn’t have.” He takes her left hand, turning it over to look at the rings on her finger. The first is still his grandmother’s, but he bought her another on their fifth anniversary, a plain gold band, but it matches, makes the engagement ring look like part of a set. He never gets tired of seeing them on her, the tangible proof of their marriage, modified and improved after years together.

“I guess going to Japan for a year is a less major life decision than getting married to a stranger.”

“If she doesn’t like it, she can get out of it easier, yeah.” She gives his hand a squeeze when he lets go of the ring. “Do you want me to distract you?”

He frowns. “That doesn’t sound like a come-on.”

“It’s not, no. I have news.”

He straightens up, frowning. “News? What kind of news?”

“I’m pregnant.”

It’s somehow not a total surprise and a complete shock at the same time. They’d talked about the possibility of kids a few months back, at Christmas, and decided that they could handle having some, and they could start trying, and if Clarke wasn’t pregnant by the next Christmas, they would reassess. If he’s honest, Bellamy had been assuming that would happen, without any good reason. When he was younger, he was convinced he’d gotten someone pregnant every time he had sex, no matter how much protection they used, but somehow marriage had him convinced that trying to get pregnant would never work.

“Holy shit,” he breathes. “Really?”

“According to the test I bought, yeah.”

“When did you buy it?”

“This morning, when you were in the shower. I went around the block to CVS.”

That stops him short. “Why then? Why didn’t you tell me?”

She buries her face against his shoulder. “Honestly? I felt kind of stupid even buying it. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I couldn’t believe I was right. I didn’t want to tell you until I took the test. I know it doesn’t make sense.”

“No,” he says, smiling and kissing her hair. “That makes total sense. I just, uh–after the thing with Octavia, I was kind of worried you didn’t tell me because you didn’t want me to overreact.”

She kisses his shoulder. “No, I don’t do that. I’m not Octavia, don’t worry. I tell you stuff. I would have told you if the test had been negative, too, I just–I needed to know first. If I was right or not.”

“And you were.” He exhales. “And you’re pregnant.”

“I’m pregnant. Probably like–seven weeks along, maybe? I don’t know. I missed two periods, so something around that, but we’ll have to go to a doctor to be sure.”

“I really didn’t think it was going to work,” he admits. “Not this soon, anyway.”

“It did feel kind of theoretical, yeah. It’s weird that you can decide you’re ready to maybe have kids and just start trying and then–that’s it. Not that this is–it could be a false positive, and it’s still pretty early, and–”

Bellamy tugs her closer, gives her hair a kiss. “Breathe. Are you happy about this? You don’t have to be.”

“I am.” She laughs, a strange, disbelieving kind of laugh. “I think I was just so focused on reminding myself that it wasn’t going to happen overnight and I needed to be patient that I wasn’t thinking about it actually happening, you know?”

“I definitely know.” He lets out a breath. “Okay, so, uh–pregnancy. That’s happening. Let’s say you’re eight weeks along, that means we’ve got about thirty weeks to go, which is–seven and a half months? And the baby’s due in October or November?”

“Something like that. I’ll call the doctor on Monday and set up an appointment, and then we’ll get more information.” She groans. “Fuck, I’m going to have to stop drinking.”

“We’re going to have to clear out the computer room and make it into a nursery.”

“To be fair, no one has a computer room anymore,” she teases. “Not even us. It’s just storage.”

“Which means there’s way more to clear out than there would have been if we just had a computer in there.”

Clarke’s smile is still growing. “Remember when you tried to convince me I could live in there?”

“Your standards were just way too high. I figured anyone who was marrying some guy on craigslist to save on rent would be happy to get whatever room I had. And wouldn’t actually want to share with me.”

“Instead you got me,” she says. “And your kid’s going to be the one who gets the room.”

“Fuck,” he says, dropping his head back onto the couch. “Our kid. We’re actually having a kid.”

“Assuming everything goes well. It’s still early, so–”

“Yeah.” He laughs. “Fuck.”

“We don’t have to keep it.”

“No, that’s not what I–I just can’t believe it. Unless, uh–do you want to keep it?” he asks, a little belatedly.

“Yeah, I do. I think I was just expecting more of a break between Octavia leaving and us having another kid.”

“She’s leaving in a month,” he points out. “We’ll have a while between that and the baby.”

“Spoken like the guy who isn’t going to be growing a human inside him for that whole time.”

“Good point. But we’re doing this.”

She rests her head on his shoulder. “We’re doing this.”

*

In theory, Bellamy shouldn’t actually need anything to distract him at the end of the semester. The end of the semester is basically hell for him, and the fact that he’s thinking of AP exams as something that’s distracting him from Octavia leaving and Clarke’s pregnancy is actually kind of worrying. AP exams are supposed to be the worst part of every spring.

And in a way, of course, it is the worst part. In no universe is his wife’s pregnancy bad, let alone his sister graduating college with a good job she’s excited about. That’s all awesome, and in some ways not nearly as stressful as the end of the semester and wondering how his kids are going to do on their tests.

But at least with the tests, he feels like he has some degree of control. The kids are the ones taking the actual exams, but he gets to prep them and answer their questions and he has a good idea of what success looks like. It’s largely out of his control, but he resent them if they fuck up.

It’s not pleasant, but it’s not an existential issue, and that makes it a novel distraction.

Unfortunately, it only lasts into mid-May, and then the tests are over and the distraction is just gone, the relief he usually feels when exams are done immediately eaten up by anxiety about the baby he can’t even tell is there yet, this kid who might not actually make it to being born.

So he calls his sister.

“You’re calling me?” she asks, frown audible in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s actually wrong. I’m freaking out and I figure you’re an adult now, so I should talk to you about it before I do something stupid.”

“Let me guess, you googled something about my new job and you think I’m going to die. Did you check Snopes? It’s probably bullshit.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s, uh–Clarke is pregnant.”

He did tell Clarke he was telling O, so it’s not like he’s doing anything wrong, but it feels a little anticlimactic, a little risky. It should be a big deal, and they should be telling her later, when it’s less likely to jinx it. They should go out to dinner and make a production of it, but there will be time to do that later. Clarke’s pregnancy isn’t going anywhere.

“Congratulations. Are you not happy? I feel like you should be happy.”

“I don’t want to let myself be happy yet. I’m thinking about everything that could go wrong. There’s so much.”

Octavia pauses. “Oh wow, yeah. This must be like a pretty major crisis for you, huh? Like–pregnancy is a minefield.”

“Pretty much.”

“So why are you telling me?”

He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m asking you for a favor.”

“What kind of favor?”

“I want you to let me stress out about you so I won’t be worrying about the baby.”

Another long pause, and then she laughs. “Seriously, Bell?”

“I think it would help.”

“It would help you.”

“Yeah, we’re talking about me.”

“What do you even have to worry about? With me, I mean. It’s an established program with a good reputation. This is, like, really normal. Not a crisis.”

“I can find something. I’m really good at worrying.”

“But you don’t want to be worrying about Clarke.”

“I don’t need to do anything else to stress her out. We’re already going to be–there’s so much that can go wrong, I don’t need to be dwelling on it.”

“So you want my permission to find stuff to worry about with me so that you and Clarke won’t end up in some stupid stress spiral.”

“There’s only so much we can do to avoid that. But yeah, I want to get it as under control as I can, so–”

“You know how weird this is, right?”

“I do, yeah. You’re an adult now, right? That means you get involved in adult conversations, like how having a baby is scary and I’m going to be melting down for the next eight months. And that’s assuming everything goes well.”

“You know, you sounded less worried about marrying a stranger from craigslist than you do about having a baby with her.”

“Marriage is less of a commitment than a baby.”

She goes quiet again, and this is the time it occurs to him how rare that is, how encouraging. His sister is actually thinking things over, measuring her responses, taking care. She really is growing up.

“I really thought you were ruining your life for me, you know. When you and Clarke got married.”

“I know. You told me.”

“Yeah, but I never felt like you got it. I didn’t know how to explain it.”

“Sorry?”

“No, it’s just–I don’t know. You’re having a baby, and it should be the best news ever, and you’re telling me you need me to be your distraction. You need to work on appropriate emotional responses.”

“I’m happy. Jesus, O. I’m so happy I don’t know how to be this happy. I’m not going to figure it out until I’m holding the baby, and maybe not even then. I’m not supposed to be this lucky.”

“Okay,” she says, in her most authoritative, decisive tone. “Here’s what we’re doing. I’ve got another week of classes and then exams, so I need to get through those. Feel free to read every horror story you can about Americans getting stabbed abroad. Pretend I’m going to another country if it helps. And then once I’m done and on my way to Japan, I’ll send you updates on how I’m doing that you can’t verify that are full of red flags.”

“You’re going to send me fake crises?” he asks.

“Yup. Nothing that bad, always stuff I can deal with, but something you can fret about as much or as little as you need to.”

“Is it bad that that sounds really good to me right now?”

“It’s like subscribing to one of those puzzle of a day things, but specially tailored to your neuroses.”

“Thanks, O. Really.”

“If making up stories is going to help you get through this pregnancy, it’s the least I can do. Is Clarke there? Can I talk to her?”

“She’s in the other room. I can get her.”

“Yeah, I want to tell her congratulations and make sure she’s doing okay. See if she needs any weird services from me.”

“You actually turned out all right, huh?”

“I tried, anyway. Really, though,” she says, serious. “Congratulations. You guys are going to be awesome parents.”

“We worked all the kinks out on you, so–”

“So you’ve got this.”

It’s not exactly easy to believe, but it’s getting easier.

“Yeah,” he says. “Somehow.”

*

“Is this Octavia thing going to help you too, or am I the only one with that specific hangup?”

Clarke has her head in his lap as she reads, which is nice, and Bellamy can’t help letting his eyes stray to her stomach, even though her pregnancy being obvious at this point would actually be a huge red flag. It’s not like he actually expects to see anything, just the knowledge that a few cells will be a living, breathing human in under a year in there is almost unreal.

He remembers his mother being pregnant, of course. He was old enough when Octavia was born that he followed a lot of it, helped out when Aurora was achy or cranky or needed some obscure food from the store. But he hadn’t really cared much about Octavia until he saw her, until she was this little, wrinkly thing staring up at him in awe. That was when he had a sister.

Children, apparently, kick in earlier.

“She did ask if I wanted her to do anything for me.”

“And?”

“And keeping you distracted is a public service.”

He kisses her forehead. “I haven’t been that bad, right?”

“No, you haven’t.” She grins. “Your paranoia about worrying means you’re really holding back on stressing.”

“Good for me. You don’t need anything?”

“I told Octavia she should send me updates without any lies in them so I can give you answers if you’re worrying too much.”

“Probably a good idea. But you know you can tell me how you’re feeling too. I’m not too far gone to help with whatever you’re going through.”

“I’m trying to be fine,” she says, with a determination that makes him smile. “Nothing bad has even happened yet. If we start overthinking now, we’ll melt down before the end of the first trimester.”

“So how are you avoiding it?”

“For one thing, I don’t have summers off and I’m not worried Octavia is going to die.”

“And that helps?”

“You’ve got two big changes and no distractions. Which is why I liked the Octavia plan.”

“Because I’m going to distract myself from one crisis with another one?”

Clarke smiles. “The two crises being your sister graduating from college and the baby we’re excited to be having?”

“That would be them, yeah. I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s a lot of change all at once. I was hoping the baby was going to help, but I should have known it was too much.”

“I feel shitty that I’ve just been stressing non-stop since you got pregnant.”

“I get it. You were going to be stressing non-stop about this anyway, the pregnancy is just the icing on the cake. But you’ll get over this hump in a few weeks.”

“You think?”

“As soon as I start having actual pregnancy symptoms and we have real information about how the baby is doing, you’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“And once Octavia goes to Japan and doesn’t die.”

“I know. I just–”

“It’s a lot.”

“It’s good. I should be happy.”

“You are,” she says, with reassuring confidence. “Right?”

That’s less reassuring. But the answer is still easy. “Incredibly. My life is amazing.”

“Your brain just needs to catch up. It’ll get there.”

“And you’re good,” he says. “You’re not keeping anything else quiet because I can’t handle it, right? Because I could.”

“I’m not. I’m nervous, but you know that. Mostly we’re waiting. And I’m glad you’re outsourcing your stress to Octavia.”

“Yeah, me too. I figured she’d be pissed, but she actually sounded kind of excited about making up lies to try and fool me into thinking her life sucks.”

“I think she’s going to be really good at it.”

“Me too.” He sighs. “She really is growing up, huh.”

“She is. And it’s good. We’re going to need her room in a couple years. The baby’s going to grow out of the computer room in no time.”

It seems unthinkable right now, that they’ll not only have a child, but that said child will get bigger and bigger, until they take over Octavia’s room, until they won’t want to be in the house at all. Somehow, in less that twenty-five years, Bellamy is going to be doing this all over again, worrying about what his kid is going to do after they finish college.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “They grow up so fast.”

*

By the time Octavia is actually graduating, Bellamy’s gotten his head screwed on straight enough to be unreservedly proud and happy for her. It should have been a pretty easy bar to clear, of course, but, as Clarke said, he had a stressful month. He had a lot to process in not a lot of time.

Not that Octavia graduating was actually a surprise, but Japan was an unexpected twist, and even without that, it was always going to be a lot. This is his baby sister, all grown up and ready to take on the world.

Both more and less literally than he was expecting; teaching abroad is a pretty lowkey occupation, relatively speaking. She could be doing something way more dangerous and combative. She could have decided join the army or become a professional bodyguard and he wouldn’t actually have been surprised. But instead, she’s going to another country, having a fucking adventure.

It’s exactly the kind of thing she felt bad he couldn’t have done because he had her, and the second he has the thought, a weight lifts off his shoulders and pieces slide together.

The relief must be visible, because Clarke asks, “Are you okay?”

“I just figured out it’s good Octavia is leaving.”

“Wow, it only took a month and a half,” she teases, but her voice and smile are warm. “What happened?”

“Even before my mom died, I was always–I felt like I was responsible for Octavia, for taking care of the family. That I couldn’t just have my own life. I didn’t raise O feeling like that. She can just go off and do whatever she wants. Plus, she’s kind of following in my footsteps. Teaching.”

Clarke leans her head on his shoulder with a smile. “She is. You did a good job, Bellamy.”

“You helped.”

“I came in when she was pretty much raised and helped get you over the finish line. I’ll take partial credit, but she was pretty much set before I came along. You’re a good–family member, I guess. That’s part of why I married you. I knew that no matter what happened or how everything turned out, you were loyal and kind, and you’d treat me well even if the whole marriage blew up in our faces. That’s what made you a good brother, what makes you a good husband, and what’s going to make you a good father.”

“How long have you been waiting to tell me that one?” he asks, putting his arm around her and kissing her hair.

“Since about a month after we met. It’s pretty obvious.”

“But not always relevant.” The music starts up, indicating the graduates are coming soon, and he lets out a breath. “I still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Which part?”

“Any of it. My whole life since you told me you wanted to marry me in that coffee shop has seemed fake. And all this stuff–I was so fucking scared everything would go wrong, and everything went right instead.”

“Things have gone wrong,” Clarke points out, not incorrectly. “But yeah, the general arc of our lives is skewing good, getting better. We got lucky.”

It really is something.

“Yeah.” He kisses her hair, disentangles himself so he can join the crowd looking for the graduates. This is his sister’s day, after all; he and Clarke can be sappy any time. “We really did.”

[rorykillmore]

so this is a birthday present for @numinousbones  that also doubles as like. a general... congratulatory thing, i guess, because they’ve gotten through a lot this year and i wanted to do something nice for the end of their semester.

it also happened bc we haven’t rped together in ages now but we HAVE wistfully talked about a few ideas and dynamics and this crossover thing just kinda popped into my head. it will never rival the legendary transformers/grey’s anatomy masterpiece but ENJOY IT ANYWAY

storm...  i know life often seems like. A Lot right now for way too many reasons, but i have seen you persevere through so much and i will never stop admiring that about you. right now it might feel like there’s no end in sight but you’re so talented and so smart and so passionate and!! one day that’s all gonna come together and feel less like “persevering” and more like. living the life you deserve. okay this is getting way too sappy but i just felt like maybe you needed some sappy in your life, ANYWAYS. happy birthday!!! <3

Ivan Becke is dead before Villanelle can get to him.

It would actually be kind of cool, if the idea of competition didn’t piss her off so much. His throat has been cut, and the wound is neat and deliberate but a little too broad to be from the kitchen knife on the ground a few feet away.

Is it someone’s deliberate attempt at deception? It might work on a less trained eye, but she muses idly on why the other assassin would need to cover up their method if they were going to let him bleed out anyway.

She pouts down at the pale, lifeless face petulantly.  “Look at you. You’re a mess. See what happens when you don’t wait for me?”

As if she’d been planning on leaving him much better off.

Sighing, Villanelle begins to straighten up. Agitation and pent up energy cling to her like static electricity. She hates being denied a kill when she’s already built it up this much, it’s like --

“They told me to leave a mess. I’m usually much cleaner.”  A voice Villanelle doesn’t recognize echoes from -- not behind her, but in front of her, and she doesn’t know how she could have missed the figure in the shadows of the apartment, the pair of unnatural red eyes suddenly glowing back at her.  “Something about making an impression.”

Villanelle wonders whether this is one of those times - so frequent, in her line of work - when it’s better to shoot first and ask questions later. But what the mysterious assailant just said sinks in, and her curiosity gets the better of her. She straightens fully.  “Were you trying to show off for me?” she asks, mockingly flattered.

“...Hardly.”  The eerie gaze never leaves her.  “Or at least, strictly in the most professional sense.”

The figure ripples into full view, and Villanelle can’t him but start at it -- him? Openly. The other assassin is not a person, but a machine. A robot. He’s more cat-like than anything, although he’s much closer to the size of a car than a cat, and now Villanelle is certain there is no way she could have missed him unless he came equipped with some kind of... invisibility trick.  

There are a lot of questions she could ask, right in this moment. A normal person would have probably been sputtering with hundreds of them. But Villanelle knows she would not be the Twelve’s favorite if she was not so extraordinary with things like this: compartmentalizing shock, confusion, fear, no matter how unprecedented. 

So what she says instead is, “Wow. Wasn’t sending you kind of overkill?”

The robot-cat-assassin stares at her, unimpressed.  “Trust me. He wasn’t my usual variety of target.”

“Wait! Let me guess.” Villanelle hardly lets him finish.  “You’re here from the future. Your target was the father of some heroic asshole who’s going to lead a revolution, and you had to come all the way back here to stop him because just killing him as a baby would have been too easy, or something.”

She gets no response this time, but she swears something dubious flickers in the other assassin’s eyes.   “Seriously? You really need to be more genre-savvy.”

“Right,” the cat says. “You know, I don’t know how you can be half as effective as I’m told you are. You never seem to shut up.”

“I’m just trying to make conversation! Getting to know the people in your field is always so awkward.” She leans back on her heels, eyeing him speculatively, wondering what might be her best chance at taking him down if he proves to be a threat. She doesn’t have any weapons on her currently that seem as though they’d be remotely effective against a giant metal predator.  Perhaps she could try electrocuting him, but that would require some luck and some very quick thinking.  “Did the Twelve send you?  They’ve really been holding out on me.”

Some kind of bizarre, technological experiment on their part would be... well, maybe not the strangest thing Villanelle has ever heard, but up there. The other option is that someone else sent him, in which case her life is almost definitely in danger. She watches him carefully despite her casual outward demeanor.

“Not exactly.” The cat’s tail flicks slowly to one side, but he has yet to make a hostile move. “But it turns out that my superiors are interested in yours. Insofar as my superiors can be interested in yours.”

“Are they robots too?” Villanelle asks, taking his dig at the Twelve in stride.

He sniffs disdainfully.  “We’re not robots. We’re Cybertronians. Aliens, as you would call them.”

“Oh. Okay.” Villanelle guesses that isn’t really much weirder than assassin robots from the future. Or the secret, mechanical army the Twelve had suddenly been building in her head.  But a thought suddenly strikes her, and she leans in just a little, quirking a brow.  “Are you invading?”

The thought of the Twelve getting wrapped up in something like this is mildly hilarious. Villanelle can’t think of any other reason aliens would take such an immediate interest in them, though.

“It’s more complicated than that,” the cat says impatiently, which Villanelle is pretty sure is just bullshit. He probably just doesn’t want to admit that whatever devious scheme his superiors have conducted has been done a hundred times in science fiction movies before.  “We’re in the middle of a war, and we could use your organization’s information, and your resources. And no doubt you could use ours.”

There’s definite disdain dripping from his words, this time. Villanelle can’t help but grin a little.  “Oh, you hate this.”

“I’m not particularly fond of working with humans.”

“You’re so much better than us. So much older, so much more technologically advanced... right?”

“Something like that.”

“And yet... you and I do the same work.”

He eyes her coolly for a long moment.  “I do mine better.”

Villanelle laughs. She wanted to hate him - she really did - but he’s making it difficult for her.  “So why did you do this?” She gestures to the corpse on the floor.  “Why bother making an impression on an inferior species?”

Something rumbles in his throat, like a growl.  “Your handler seems to think that getting your attention is the only way to keep you manageable.”

Ah. That does sound like something Konstantin would say. But why --

“...And if we’re going to be working together, I had to think of something that wouldn’t necessitate immediately mauling you.”

Just like that, Villanelle’s smile drops. Working together?

“I work alone,” she states with simple finality.

“You think I like it any more than you do?” he snaps irritably. “Orders are orders. I hear you don’t like following them, but if you make this more difficult than it has to be - draw it out, make things complicated - I really will kill you.”

Inwardly, Villanelle seethes, though more of her anger is directed at Konstantin than her new coworker. He knows she doesn’t play well with others. What is he doing? What are the Twelve doing?

“It sounds like you know all about me already,” Villanelle notes with a clear voice and a smile that is now forced.  “What about you? Do I even get to know your name?”

He watches her for awhile without answering, and Villanelle suddenly starts to feel that he can see through her. She doesn’t like it.   “Ravage,” he says finally.

“Huh. Good name.”

“You may be obnoxious, but I know you’re also talented. For a human.” Ravage gives the half-compliment begrudgingly, seeming to relent a little, and Villanelle can’t help but feel suspicious of that too. “Don’t cause problems, and maybe we’ll even work halfway decently together. Then this will be over more quickly for both of us.”

Villanelle is already thinking of a million and one ways she can cause problems. But she sighs.  If nothing else, she’s curious about Ravage, the way he works, the way he kills. Maybe that will keep her entertained, for a little while.

At least until she gets her next chance to complain to Konstantin.

“Okay, partner!” she says at last, deliberately too cheery.  “What do you say we get out of here before this body starts to smell?”

“Technically, you all smell,” Ravage tells her. She shoots him an offended look.

“I do not smell. Badly, at least.”

“You’ve sprayed something chemical all over yourself. It almost drowns out the reek of your emotions.”

The idea that he can somehow smell her feelings brings Villanelle up short. 

Maybe she’ll start overdoing the perfume, from now on.

“Hey, you’re not going to do that invisibility thing again when we go outside, right?” she asks over her shoulder, heading for the fire escape and already filing away her prickling concerns.

“Yes, actually,” Ravage responds dryly. “Seeing as keeping a low profile would be ideal for both of us.”

“But then it’ll just look like I am talking to myself,” Villanelle complains. “I will look crazy!”

“I don’t think you need my help with that.”

Villanelle laughs again, because he hasn’t seen anything yet. Maybe while she’s trying to learn everything she can from Ravage, she’ll teach him a thing or two as well.

[isitstraightvodka]

so buckle in: so way back when i was 21 (.. so three years ago) which i know doesnt seem young when you're it, but looking back im like HOLY SHIT i was a BABY, i was at uni (still am) and when i was picking my classes for the semester found it amusing that two of my classes were with the same professor. i'd had him before, he was pretty chill, and ugly as all fuck. like. he was known for being the professor that all the good professor's chucked their shitty classes at bc he'd never published (1)

and anyway it was all good! u know, the classes seemed interesting and i was coming out of a really bad depressive period that had lasted about a year or so and i was, to my mind, Recovered. so that semester i put in a lot of effort into…. pretty much everything. my grades were sky high, i was dressing nicely and doing my hair and makeup, i was moving out of home, i was On My Shit. and it had been a bit of a joke among my friends and i that the prof seemed to quite like me (2)

he was always joking about with me, he handed out extensions to me like candy, and one time he was caught staring down my shirt which. was just sort of Funny at the time because??? this dude is in his late thirties and a bit sad, so whatever you know. it just became a running joke amongst my friends and i that i was going to fuck my professor. until, of course, end of semester came about and he invited the whole class (for one of the units) out for end of semester drinks (3)

and so my friends and i trundled along and got…. fucking obliterated. he did too. and then as the night goes on people start leaving and it somehow ends up just being he and i as i figure out how to order an uber (i’d never used uber before at the time, it was still relatively new in perth) so i can get home. anyway my phone died so i was like… well. Fuck! and he invited me to come to his office and charge my phone. anyway ended up fucking him because im a Disaster who wants validation (4)

and he’s a dickhead in a position of authority exploiting that position and also out relative drunkenness to get a fuck. anyway all good, all fine. the next morning im freaking out like holy shit CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN to which he’s like. it’s chill, i really like you and im already planning on notifying the university that i cant teach you again which had me like. oh. oh okay? cool. that’s pretty great, thanks.  and he’s like… so like, would u be interested in going on a date? (5)

and im like…… in for a penny, in for a pound right? so. sure, ig, as long as you. file that paperwork, that would be nice i suppose. anyway we end up dating for eight months, i meet his friends, some of his family. it’s all cool, but also im not actually sure if i like him or not or if i just like the fact that someone’s into me? and then i meet a girl through a friend of mine who is like oh man i met this girl i think you’ll get along with you should join us for dinner tonight (6)

so, i do. and while we’re at dinner i mention something about the prof just casually to my friend and the girl stops and goes “oh, you know x?” and im like oh yeah we’ve known each other a while and she sort of went quiet. and then later on she’s like “hey, dont take this offensively, but do you know if x has a history of sleeping with his students?” and im like. alarm bells ringing. like yeah! my dude he sure does! in fact, i’ve been fucking him for 8 months (7) 

and she goes “that motherfucker, i’ve been dating him ‘exclusively’ for five months” :) and so we confronted him and it turned out! he also had a chronically ill fiancee at home! who none of his friends or family that i’d met had said anything about! anyway someone ended up reporting him to the university without our consent and he ended up getting away with the whole thing (and! he never submitted that paperwork lmao). that’s the story of my shitty ex! who i still have to see around campus (8)

tl;dr: don’t fuck people who are in positions of authority over you. even if you think you’ve got control over the situation, you don’t and they Will fuck you over and destroy your mental health!!!!! (9) 

well THAT was one hell of a rollercoaster! men ain’t shit, he is disgusting and I can’t believe you still have to see him, that must be horrible. and he’s a fucking professor, it’s wrong and foul to take advantage of students like that, and he’s engaged too?? like wtf dude, he sure is fucked up for thinking all this is/was ok. i’m fuming, this is why i don’t trust many men bc they’re act in terrible ways, I hope you’ve had/will have better experiences, lo, it’s what’s best for you, and you deserve everything good when it comes to relationship. I pray you never go through something like this again, but thank you for sharing! xx

let’s chat about shitty exes!

[dovley]

lmao work rant under the cut

i like my job a LOT it’s really the job i wanted out of college but i just thinnk it’s dumb that i havent even GRADUATED YET and i have to teach this new part-timer (Mandy, 2 months at this job so far, 30 years old, minimal TV experience, no news experience) everything that i learned in 4 years for free and she basically gets paid for it. she’s not even an intern. how she’d fucking get this job. 

and she sstill doesn’t get it. she doesn’t understand a newsroom or news stations at all even after being here two months. and i dont know if she’s jsut a slow learner or what but it doesn’t matter because it’s like she doesnt even want to learn?? and yet she’s always touching stuff she’s not supposed to and not staying in her lane bc she’s eager to learn etc and SHE HASN’T LEARNED A THING. so frustrating to finally get a job i really like that’s full time in MY FIELD and out of nowhere this woman w no experience snags a job at the station and essentially ruins the status quo of the morning show by not knowing anything and having minimal TD experience. And it’s not even the right kind of TD experience. and she wasn’t even hired as a TD and yet SHE’S PUSHED HERSELF OVER THERE. GO BACK TO CG MANDY STOP FUCKING UP MY SHOW?? EVERYTHING SHE FUCKS UP REFLECTS BACK ON ME, THE DIRECTOR.

and im trying to be positive about teaching her things (everyone in the control room needs to learn all positions anyway)  but it’s hard. im literally not even graduated and now i gotta teach her everything that took everyone in my class four years to learn??? shooting for news is HARD, commanding an entire control room is HARD, there are classes for a reason and im not exactly qualified to be a teacher. im just a person in college who knows how to do shit. 

and it’s literally not just “this is how we do things at THIS news station” like we have w the interns and other new workers, it’s entirely THIS IS HOW A NEWS STATION WORKS THIS IS HOW NEWS WORKS like she’s a blank slate. what the fuck. why do i get stuck w this kind of junk all the time???????? i have such bad luck. 

we literally had to have one on one meetings w our news director today because of how much tension sh’es been creating in the news room, too. like not only is she hardly absorbing anything, she’s RUDE. all the time. anytime anything goes wrong, she talks back when SHE fucks up. im her director, her only job as a TD is to git gud and listen to my commands and do them. that’s it. that’s the basic TD job. and yet here she is, ignoring me, fucking up the show, getting mad at US when SHE fucks up. we all had meetings w news director Julie bc Julie listened to the control room track from the other day (all convos are recorded, I know this). 

Here’s what happened: we were in a sports package, and the reporter was still talking. I say, “ready three” AS I ALWAYS DO, and instead of READYING THREE (by putting it in preview, not live) she TAKES TO THREE. and suddneyl the anchors are live and the package is still happening. and i say “go back” and she doesn’t do anything (WHICH IS SUCH A HUGE NO-NO IN A CONTROL ROOM, NOT LISTENING TO YOUR DIRECTOR IS SUCH A BAD THING BECAUSE NOT ONLY ARE YOU GETTING YOURSELF IN DEEP SHIT, BUT YOU FUCK UP THE SHOW FOR ///EVERYONE/// INVOLVED), so louder i say GO BACK and she said “well we’re here now” and that’s not???????? what you fucking say?????????? as a TD, you do NOT decide what’s going on. you do NOT get to decide cameras. you are NOT in control. YOU DO NOT JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING. im completely helpless when that happens because she controls everything that’s live on the TV. i could reach over and do it myself but that’s such a huge other issue.

so i do what we’re supposed to: MOVE ON. i silence the package, cue the anchors, and MOVE ON. Mandy has SUCH AN ISSUE W MOVING ON. she can’t. she gets stuck on one thing. she always has to question my calls during the show, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS NOTHING!! SHE DIDNT CUT ANY VIDEO SHE DIDNT ATTACH IT SHE DOESN’T HAVE A SCRIPT IN FRONT OF HER. she litrally knows NOTHING and yet here she is, questioning MY CALLS. and when she does that, i have to double check to mkae sure that everything is good to go, which takes up valuable time during the show. 

so then, during the show i think or during break?? or SOMETHING, she turns aroudn to the producer, and RUDELY says:

Mandy: hey pete, have you ever TD’d before?

pete: ... yes

mandy: did you mess up

pete: all the time

mandy: OKAY [turns around]

-

???????? NOT OKAY AT ALL. our new control room intern said she was uncomfortable because of that. when mandy becomes rude and aggressive, she makes ERVERYONE uncomfortable and she doesn’t even know. she’s so self-centered she doesn’t know she’s making it bad for EVERYONE. 

she always tries to initiate dumb convo during the show. she doesnt know how to sit down shut up move on. 

another example: we had one anchor at camera one, and we had a graphic in the screen behind them. a video the anchor was talking over was live, and we were going to camera three after his voice over, NOT CAMERA ONE. so, this exchange happens:

mandy: can i put x-server in aux 5? (this changes the graphic on the screen in camera 1 from the story we’re talking about to a standard one we use for tosses.)

me: ready cam 3

mandy: ... x-server??

me: no, leave it. ready 3.

mandy: what do you want me to do with the vertical plasma?????

me: nothing, we’re not coming out to it we’re going out to camera three.

mandy: i need to know

me, frantically BECAUSE WE’RE LOSING TIME IN THE V-O AND WE NEED TO BE OUT TO CAMERA THREE: /nothing,/ it’s not important we’re not coming out to cam 1, ready three.

mandy: okay but what aobut the plasma??

me: we’re coming out to CAMERA THREE.

mandy, aggressively: okay, DIRECTOR

-

OKAY LIEK WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THIS?? WHY WAS SHE SO CAUGHT UP ON SOMETHING WE DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND COULD RESET DURING BREAK IN LITERALLY 1 MINUTE????/ it’s so hard to focus on that and the show im suppsoed to be directing like GOD, LEAVE IT.

-

back to learning, i literally had to explain a basic rundown to her for like an hour the other day while we sat down to talk .because i wanted to have a meeting to iron out some things such as her attitude and the show. because she doesn’t understand that nothing in the show is permanent, it’s constantly getting moved around and changed and added to. she doesn’t undestand there isn’t a formula to it. her only job is to listen to me. and when she tries to find a “rhythm” she starts ignoring my calls more and fucking up. it’s so annoying. everything she does that fucsk up live reflects back on Pete and I. also im her fuckening supervisor,,,,,,,,

I had to explain how to shoot news today. she didn’t understand what the anchor wanted from a wide shot, medium, and close up. the most basic of shots. or even how long to stay on a shot. or how the camera worked.

and i know she doesn’t have a degree and i am NOT criticizing her for that - college is hard and expensive and not everyone can do it, but you think she’d at least try?? harder???? try to fit in better????? not be a DICK at a job she wants to “be at for a long time” ?? apparently she told our tech guy that she doesn’t fit in. Julie told me that she feels like she has to prove something to us, that she can do it. well she’s not proving anything. she said we feel “clique-ish” in the news room. we’re literally not. at the end of the day we’re all just coworkers at a job. the difference between her and us is that we all have journalism backgrounds. and i have always tried to include her in everything, i have invited her up to the newsroom SO MANY TIMES, and other things but she never comes. if she wants to see change, she can make it herself. im done trying. i’ve given her so many chances. 

our new intern, Tiffany, who was hired on my recommendation, already knows more things than Mandy just because she follows me around and is present and doesn’t hide in the control room. everyone likes Tiffany because Tiffany comes upstairs and says good morning. our live reporter says that Mandy ignores him when they’re outside smoking. she wants to fit in and be friends w everyone and yet she’s IGNORING EVERYONE. if she was even the least bit personable everyone would be fine w her. but she’s not.

and she told Tiffany that she feels “under appreciated” at the station because she’s working all the time, three jobs etc. guess what. Tiffany and I both have three jobs AND class. Tiffany is even full-time in college. im only part time and finally dropping my two other jobs since i got a promotion at the station, but still. you’re not under appreciated Mandy, you’re just never around. 🙄

she said she would help w camera shots, but when i offer them to her, she says no. she wants to know font times for packages, but never comes upstairs. like????????????????????? MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT. IT’S 3 AM WE’RE ALL TIRED BUT YOU SIT IN THE CONTROL ROOM FOR 40 MINUTES JUST READING BEFORE THE SHOW. YOU HAVE TIME TO LEARN.

and she doesn’t understand how hard it is to direct, produce, or even write for news. you can’t just learn that stuff in a week. i went to college for a reason. it would take me MONTHS to even get her director ready. i slid over into my position immediately upon being offered it, just because i had expereince. if she even tried to direct, it owuld be an absolute disaster. the kids in the basic directing class on campus even struggle a lot. it’s really hard. and producing is so much fucking work. so much. Pete gets there two hours earlier than i do - midnight or 1 am. our show doesn’t start until 5 am. 

and on campus, the basic directing class should be easy. but it’s so much info crammed in, even in a semester. they print out scripts and mark them up with their commands. at the station, i have the rundown+scripts on an ipad and i dont write any commands. i just look at the rundown and instantly know what we’re doing. and i do this for two hours. the new directors on campus cant even go for 3 minutes w/o fucking up. it’s HARD. like i pick up on shit fast but for my first few shows i was struggling HARD. and Mandy is the type of person to jsut give up when it gets too hard, which you absolutely CANNOT do during a live show. you can’t abandon your own show. it fucks up the ENTIRE show. that’s on TV. that people are watching. it affects the anchors, it reflects on the station. it’s going to be hard to teach her. and i think it’s gonig to be frustrating for her to learn because Tiffany at least has a little directing experience and will probably pick up on it faster. 

Mandy apparently once complained during her first month that she was in the “intern chair” when she was working CG. that’s not an intern chair?? we put interns there, sure, but people at the late show have been doing CG for years. it’s just another position. also the thing is is that mandy knows less than an intern so i’d literally rather have an intern anyway lol. 

Mandy has legitimately given me so much anxiety i went home from work crying last week. work was so chill until she showed up. 

this is really long and i have more to say but this is enough. it’s past my bedtime lmao bye 

[jibunjishin]

hellO

i haven’t found the spare time in forever to just make a post and catch up with myself and how i’ve BEEN

i don’t think some people understand that idk how im honestly doing until i do something like this because i just go around doing the motions of life and whatever, not really having any time to feel, so i could be doing really bad for all i know but not be able to put a pinpoint on where it’s all coming from until i sit down for a sec. and while i can’t afford the time even now to do this, it’s super important so here i am!!!!

wow im super tired!!! in a physical way, where im fighting jet lag and general insufficient sleep hours. i actually fell asleep for like 2 hours today and then thought i’d take a ‘break’ until i felt ready and i actually haven’t felt ready. the last weeks of march i went into overdrive and SOMEHOW got everything done. one of my five classes is going really poorly, i’m scoring consistently below average and it’s ruining my self confidence, self esteem, just overall belief in myself and my abilities to finish my degree??? lmao. im very fragile ANYWAYS but on the other hand, I got a 91% on a paper for my public health class and a 98.5% on my midterm for another class! (which I’m p/nping! so it DOESN’T MATTER!! HAHAHH yay. *upside down smiley emoji*)

the point is things have been mixed bad and good results, but I’m really letting the bad overtake my whole mood. and i recognize that. acknowledge it. im not sure how to change my attitude about it though. i try to say it in my head that it’s ok and maybe eventually i’ll believe it but it’s ineffective and sometimes makes me feel worse. (also my friend in the class is KICKING BUTT he’s so good the professor gives him over 100% sometimes and im like ??? I can’t even get in the IQR... ya im jealous but happy for him OBVIOUSLY but I kinda feel like my professor has decided I’m a B-/C+ student bc I keep getting kinda the same grade, even though my latest assignment was not bad?? i went to a GSI’s OH and started it early and revised and whatever but got a 1% improvement. IDK THIS IS A LONG RANT/TANGENT I’m also not trying to be salty and be like “this professor sucks he’s not giving me As” because if I don’t deserve it I’m fine with that but ok anyways moving along) the point is, things are an OK average, so why can’t i be fine with that?

it’s partially because of these bad grades, but i’m also losing motivation to do my thesis at all. and like it’s necessary to finish an ES degree. it’s literally my last requirement and I’ve done all the other classes. but I just don’t know if I want to commit a whole year to doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s that like I’m lazy or trying to get out of it just because? if that makes sense? I don’t think it’s a bad reason. I can’t find anything I want to research. we’re actually doing literal research like not a research paper. we have to write a literal mini-dissertation and shit. i’ve been a content-absorber my whole life and I just think I’m too *simple* to make a discovery. like i’m not sure if i’m GETTING ACROSS THIS CONCEPT. WE HAVE TO SPEND THE SUMMER/FALL/some of spring bc that’s when it’s due DOING LITERAL RESEARCH and this thought gives me anxiety and i’ve cried a bit over it. it’s so daunting. and I’ve tried to talk to my gsi/professor about my fears and they’re like oh it’s fun! it’ll be okay! and i’m like NO you don’t understand?? and they’re like here let’s talk about what u can do and I feel like they’re actually not getting how afraid I am of this. I don’t want to quit my major over this... I took 9 classes for this already, and it’s just one year, two semesters, six units left. but I’m just realizing how I c a n n o t do this thesis. i’m not sure what i’d do? and you can’t bullshit this like a paper. i can’t do it overnight. i have a proposal draft for this due monday and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO EXECUTE THIS IDEA I HAVE BECAUSE IT’S A SHITTY IDEA and wow I honestly don’t know how people do it. I’m going to my prof’s OH again this Friday and I’m really hoping he can HELP or maybe help me find an advisor because if I am doing this, there’s no way in hell I can do it alone. I don’t want it to be a pity-thing where they’re like ‘ok let me do this for u but u can put ur name on it so u can get the hell out of school’ like I actually DO want to do it but i CAN’T and I know that’s toxic, i should be like oh yeah i can do it! think of all the other ES undergrads who’ve done it, who are doing it, who will do it!! one of them is YOU!! but i’m actually so past that stage, i’m facing the reality of this deadline coming up and it’s looking really bad. really bad. i know this post has been a huge ole complaining mess but YOU KNOW WHAT i’m being honest with how i feel, even if i’m not proud of it.

i thought i got over my anxiety!! LMAO!! im sweating and the whole shebang just from writing this and thinking about my thesis. aasasoifnva. honestly i think the worst that can happen is I get a TERRIBLE grade in this class. I don’t think I can fail??? but I was okay with getting bad grades in the chem/physics classes but this one?? it’s a major req. like literally a class for JUST ES majors in spring semester of their junior year. i’m pretty sure i’m one of the lowest grades in the class based on the number of times my groups have been getting the low L O L and it’s very sad to see that i’m the one of the worst in my cohort. but anyways it’s just super disheartening like I said earlier.

so right now i’m in between feeling like it’s a waste to stop pursuing ES and it’s just another year, 6 units(, A WHOLE THESIS) to complete the degree. on the other hand, i don’t need this degree if I want to teach ES in high school, since I’m one class and a seminar away from finishing my other major. and I will get my credential at the end of my 5 years. so I don’t NEED it because teaching ES just requires a single subject credential and a bio CSET?? I don’t need it, so why put myself through the struggle and anxiety and dread and frustration and all those other wonderful feelings of self-loathing and depression? so i’m not sure what to do. I really am not.

thanks if you even read this far to my literal 3 followers. lmao. these really help me and thanks to myself for taking the time to write it, but I should get back to reality. i’m not sure what my plans are for the rest of tonight. i can try to keep pushing through with the thesis, move on to my research paper for my geography class, or cut my losses and go to bed or read or go back on youtube. i am sure that i am tired as fuck and ready to be done. actually done.

edit: I guess the real question is: what do I do now actually? I have major advising meetings with both my advisors this friday, plus office hours with my professor. do i melt down and be like PLEASE HELP ME because I see no other way other than quitting? at this point I think that’s what it is. get help or quit. I think it’s okay to be okay with knowing I can’t do it on my own two feet. but i know if i ask for help i’ll CRY and it’ll be sad and pathetic kinda but idk IDK I JUST DON’T KNOW

[datingadviceonreddit]

I forgot my old account so I made this new one~So I have a crush on a guy in my bio lab. We met in September. We're both 19 and college sophomores. He sits right next to me during bio lab and we're in a group together with 2 other people. As part of the class we have to do a research project and present it at the end of the semester. I told myself that I will ask him out at the end of the semester when our project is over but part of me is telling me to do it sooner. I'm worried that if he rejects me I might act negatively towards him (though I doubt it) and ruin the good experience we've had as a group. I have never had a boyfriend, been asked out, or asked anyone out so that's why I'm worried I might change my behavior towards him. I don't know what to expect from myself. A pro of waiting until the end of the semester is that we will have had spent more time with each other and gotten to know each other better, making it more likely for him to say yes. I would also be able to figure out if he has someone he likes already. But a part of me is dying from anticipation. I want to know what he thinks of me and I want to just get it over with. I'm still leaning 90% towards waiting but what do you think?As for if he likes me... This guy is really easygoing, friendly, talkative, kind, intelligent, funny, and handsome. I am a mousy girl with depression, anxiety, and social anxiety and this guy changed me internally. Whenever I spend time with him I feel so at peace afterwards and I can't stop smiling. I feel much better about myself and the future. Before meeting him I never imagined I could ever be in a relationship but now I'm even considering asking him out! I'm treasuring my own existence and feeling worthy of happiness! Just by being himself he helps me forget that there are some bad things going on in my life such as my dad suffering from stage 4 kidney cancer. I really want to spend more time with him. Honestly I don't even have to be in a romantic relationship with him (even though that would be ideal), a close friendship would be great.The thing is since he is so friendly with everyone it's too difficult to tell if he could like me. Since we sit next to each other we occasionally bump arms/elbows/knees/shoulders and he doesn't pull away. Most of the time he sits with body facing me and puts his notebooks/belongings a bit on my side of the table. He helps me out a lot with these I can't understand. But these things don't really strike me that much, I could see him doing it with anyone and he does help a lot of people. Sometimes it seems like he glances at me while the professor is teaching a powerpoint but he could be looking around the room. I also asked him over text if he could help me out with a class and he was very willing but said that I would need to remind him the day of which kinda meant to me that he doesn't like me bc if I was going to help someone I liked I would for sure remember it. Later I decided I was withdrawing from that class so it never happened.Since I am shy he doesn't really get that loud and laugh and talk a lot like he does with his friend. He acts pretty calm around me. Today we were doing stuff for our project and he asked me what classes I'm taking and stuff so he made an effort to learn about me. Then we went to the library together and did some bio h.w on the computers. I was so happy and nervous the whole time. But this was one of the only times we spent time together outside of lab. It was hard to make eye contact with him before but now it is quite easy. My voice used to get subdued around him and I would stutter a lot but those have improved as well. Also a few weeks ago I walked into bio lecture and I heard from the area close to where he was sitting a guy's voice say “she came” and then a girl's voice (could have been his female friend that he hangs with) say “ask her!”. I have no idea if he was going to ask me to sit with him or if this was a hallucination. Or if it was even him?I don't know what to think. I only have one friend and I don't want to annoy her too much with this because I already talk about it enough. What do you guys think of my situation? via /r/dating_advice