#but we all are pieces of shit in our own ways and we arent defined by our best and worst moments

[nururu]

"I hate Trisha paytas" okay kys

[sscoutregimentss]

L, D, F, U and Y w eren pwease🥺

modern au, again. also, i realize these arent very romantic lololol ohhhh well.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Helping out with Historia's volunteer club has gotten him pretty used to kids, but honestly half the time he floats off to the corner and doesn't really interact with them because they're so preoccupied with Connie and Sasha being... Connie and Sasha.

He actually does pretty well with older kids like 9-13 year olds, mainly his dad's friend's nephew Falco. He thinks Eren is like the coolest guy ever (next to Reiner. Sorry Eren you're not taking his spot any time soon lol) and Eren thinks Falco is really sweet.

I like to think that toddlers like Eren too, especially when he gives them those pretty smiles that light up his entire face. But he prefers to be with older kids if he can. Mainly because he's a little shit and can get them to do stuff for him.

The amount of times he has gotten Falco to run errands or do chores for him in exchange for ice cream (or like... Vbucks... do 13 year olds still play fortnite? I'm lost) only for the poor kid to never see said ice cream... uncountable. If he paid it all at once he'd be dead broke.

And despite Gabi fronting about hating him because him and Reiner aren't friends anymore, she enjoys hanging out with him and Falco because Eren doesn't really baby them as much as her cousin and his friends do. Those two butt heads like crazy, though. He literally doesn't call her by her name, he just calls her "Brat" or other variations.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I'll talk about settling down more in the next letter, but Eren is like both the most messy and most clean person ever.

He's the type of person to let his environment reflect himself. If he's stressed, his room looks like a pigsty. When he gets angry, he purposefully makes messes, because punching a hole in the wall means he doesn't get his security deposit back. But when he settles down, he uses his skills picked up from cleaning the locker rooms and club rooms with Captain Levi for hours on end and makes his room spotless in record time. It's a talent.

Good at chores because he has flashbacks of Levi going "Oi, Jaeger brat... you think this is clean?" every time he's doing something. He procrastinates a lot though.

You know I came on here wanting to say he is a god awful, terrible cook, but I don't think so. I mean, it's just a practical life skill he has from not having parents for most of his life.

The problem with Eren's cooking is that he over seasons everything. He hates bland food so he can't tell when to stop. Like if a recipe calls for a teaspoon of chili flakes he's adding 3 tablespoons just for good measure. He will watch Jean put a whole head of garlic in something and chop up a small garden worth of herbs and still goes "that looks bland."

Really likes spicy food. If you have a low spice tolerance, don't count on him cooking. Poor Armin is already half dead.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

I don't think he'd want to get married. You guys could be together for 20 years and he still wouldn't propose.

He thinks it's dumb to define your relationship with a flimsy piece of paper, and that your value becomes too stringent on your partner when you're married. Plus, all the legal stuff, ugh such a bore. Literally the only thing motivating him to get married is being able to call himself your husband because he thinks its cute.

If you guys have a really long term relationship (like living together, kids, everything) he eventually just starts calling himself your husband even though you aren't technically married. No one is going to correct him anyways.

He would like a wedding though. Just because he thinks it'd be fun. Maybe like a commitment ceremony? His love for you is very personal, so he'll do whatever he wants. If he wants to literally throw a party and call it a "We Love Each Other, Kiss Our Ass!" celebration, he will.

Your children would have hyphenated last names. If the world's end is dependent on you marrying Eren Jaeger, he refuses to change his last name, and urges you not to either.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Short. Freaking. Temper. It's the easiest one to point out. And it's always been a prominent trait, only made worse by his rough childhood.

Eren's inner child is deeply hurt, and he thinks the best way to heal him is to just get pissed off. This, combined with his fiery and passionate personality, plus general recklessness just makes for a 6 foot tall, muscled, handsome ball of rage.

The best way to prevent Eren anger? Just nip it in the bud. You notice he side eyes you after you say something? Ask what you did. He's happy to tell you if you ask, but otherwise he just let's it build up and blows up on you.

He's a good apologizer though. Good balance of kind words and actions = happy relationship. It's just him having a hard time communicating with you, and he's eternally grateful for you helping him get better.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He cannot stand people with no conviction. If you're saying one thing to some people and other things to others just to fit in, he probably won't like you. Like, if you're a "popular kid" who likes nerdy shit, just fucking own it, stop being two faced. He doesn't like people who feel the need to hide who they are.

That doesn't mean he doesn't like shy people though. If you have trouble standing up for yourself, he's prone to step in and help you out. He just really doesn't like fake people.

[minicy]

So not to have opinions or anything but the way "wombyn" and TERFs tie menstruation to femininity and "positivity" and "natural beauty" fucking sucks because

1) only a quarter of the population menstruates, when half the population is made up of women, so whether a person menstruates or not is already a fucking horrible predictor of gender. By equating a bodily function to a gender you exclude LITERALLY HALF of your """own people""", you fuckwits. There are people that feel SHAME because they dont bleed, cramp, or ruin their clothes monthly. Which brings me to

2) PERIODS FUCKING SUCK. They are rare among mammals, because they suck. There is absolutely no reason menstruating individuals... need to do so. Scientists think it literally poses no advantage. It sucks! And if more people with menstrual cycles had been in the sciences historically, I dont think women would HAVE to normalize periods now, because we would have recognized its pointlessness long ago and made menstruation a choice, so the uterus only prepped for pregnancy when, oh I don't know, its owner wanted to be pregnant? Wild thought, I know. It's a process that basically evolved pointlessly in a small handful of mammal species and causes people anguish. The fact that we don't see the monthly cyclic process of bleeding and pain as a societal issue traces back to patriarchal structures in healthcare and research.

3) the inherent beauty of bleeding out your vagina monthly is something that literally doesnt exist. It's a sign of one of the human body's worst-case structures in comparison with other species. Our child-making shit is bad, folks! Our babies come out way too soon for most of their bodies because our hips arent big enough to shove out developed brains! The whole process of making another human is beautiful, I can't deny that, but menstruation isn't inherent to the process of sexual reproduction in the majority of animals and in all honesty the whole thing is pretty ineffectual due to our jank-ass anatomy.

4) it's just gross. Plain and simple. For the love of all things holy stop saving your menstrual blood as a statement. If I have to read about one more radical feminist artist saving bloody cloths to make an art piece that smells like rotten meat or knitting using yarn she shoved into her vagina during her period I am going to vomit. It's still a biohazard, its still flesh, it can still go rotten over time, it's not clean and beautiful, it's an organ lining. And yes, both previous examples are real.

5) Even if you are a cis woman who doesn't mind the process, that doesnt mean you're feminine. Like, my God, I thought that your bodies didn't define your personality or your presentation, and that trans people are just gender nonconforming or whatever the garbage of the week is that you're serving, but the art i keep seeing of flowers coming out of your crotch really says otherwise.

6) Praising a process as shitty and pointless as complete menstruation is dishonest and done purely to attempt to exclude individuals from some in-group (being 'female') for no logical reason (to justify hatred and violence towards 'infiltrators'). If you're bad at reading, heres a summation: Saying periods are feminine and beautiful is not only transphobic rhetoric. The only two groups of people it doesn't hurt are cis men and healthy cis women of reproductive age.

What we should be doing is funding research into reproductive anatomy, physiology, and function. We should be normalizing menstruation for young people and letting them know that just because your body is going through this change doesnt mean you have to be an adult now, or that it signifies anything besides the fact that you're now in your late childhood/early teens and were born with your particular anatomy. We should be alleviating the problems a quarter of the world's population goes through related to our jank anatomy, including severe pain and numerous hormonal and mood disorders. We should be making sure working class, poor, and homeless people have access to menstrual hygiene products such as pads, tampons, and liners. There are so many better ways to help your community that don't involve rampant exclusion, transphobia, and artistic biohazards.

Statistically speaking, there are more women that DON'T menstruate than women who do. And there are men that menstruate. There are even people that arent men or women, who also menstruate. Any person that equates menstruation and womanhood is a dumbass, a bigot, or both.

[flakopancho]

on that russell brand wap video

video starts he is bored, by his tone,  with the song, cant be bothered to pronounce wap correctly, dismissive but has some insight..ok

he is more interested in what the media is saying about the song so he is being a gossip instead of an art critic off the bat but maybe he’d say social critic weak cop out with him reading the guardians definition of the video instead of what cardi and meg say or even give his own summary of the song also side note i heard the song and thought it was average and video was boring it also is weird to me we are stuck on the hamster wheel of female sexuality in rap at least like didnt lil kim foxy brown trina nicki minaj my neck my back my pussy and my crack already put a period on these convos when he says that cardi and meg are aspiring to the patriarchies values which completely duhumanizes them and takes their agency away, like they just actually enjoy their wet ass pussies and its a human value not a systematic inoculated value. so stfu there is no replicating values from males its just females getting to be female and it has nothing to do with hierarchy or patriarchy...which is revolutionary then she starts going on about TRADITIONAL VALUES so dumb , defining what men and women are generally but ignoring you cant apply averages to individuals and thats even ignoring the fact that bravery is considered male in his diatribe... then calling margaret thatcher a woman man and saying she expels male values like wtf do you hate yourself that much and see women and people who arent white as innocent pure sinless waifs....part of humanity is our potential for evil and dismissing that to sexism or racism is an insult on top of the pity conventional female values--- gagging maybe he didnt mean these things but talked about them from societies perspective but he still seems to be talking from that side---- there is nothing wrong with objectification he is a complete lunatic - you can objectify all day and still see humanity beyond the objectification - its fun to be objectified its fun to objectify its fun to make an object (art piece) of your self if that is your job as a visual artist like cardi and meg, and even if not everyone agrees objectification is good is my opinion void because it doesnt agree with yours what kind of revolution are we having here...and russell take your tattoos off then those are objects those are false idolss if meg and cardi lived in the perfect utopia that russel envisions, and wanted to express their sexuality - how would they do it without being objectified... focusing on the body or sadnesss or happiness apart from the complete humanity of someone is objectifying that one part and if we were in utopia it would still be consumed as a commodity...whats wrong with a commodity...exploitation of commodities through not paying workers or raising prices unfairly is wrong but just now the idea of commodity is wrong...isnt that video he is making to be a gossip also a commodity wap isnt doing enough cause it isnt calling out who has power in the systems that so dumb - go live in an artless world til everyone is fed then why is he wasting his time on philosophy of the mainstream people are starving out there. cardis bernie campaigning wasnt enough now her work and personal self expression needs to be exploited by your cause for revolution isnt a youtube video about as far away from a product as you can get - how is it different than making a vlog like he is doing - they both selling the product of themselves in both cases they are objectifying their authenticity its still the same aesthetic its the same values and ideals...uhhh no its not women in rap changed the definition of what men in america find attractive and in different time periods different body types were attractive cause it changes with cultures there was a womens body revolution and it has 99% percent to do with thicc women in hip hop not conforming to the "male" but i would say human standards of the 50s-80s at least 

before capitilism were their women owning their sexuality...yes so its not a product of capitalism we should be aspiring to an entirely different set of values not who has the power in these values...so he is saying cause women are taking power in the same system its not a good thing and shouldnt be celebrated..i do agree with that to a degree but i also could see the power shift as a step on the way to a different value system, but also im not going to be zealot and hate on cardi and meg for not having my same level of desire for a utopia revolution or a rapture i also dont see wap as a commentary on social structures just maybe dating when you are younger power which russell was a part of, like he says as ive gotten older my values have changed, welll then maybe the same will happen for the young women doing the same shit you were doing, old and wise is only old and wise when you dont see it as a personal revelation you had instead of seeing all older people change their values to more conservative back in my day bull shit so he is scared of power and attractive to him cause, o my god these women are so beautiful, the whole video is about his own sex addiction and blaming the pretty girls for getting grabbed on what are we looking for, something fun to dance to, something to give me confidence, something to make silly videos undermining the sexuality entirely, its not just porn porn porn like he is trying to claim so fucking stupid this russell brand video is the same as the ben shapiro i aint squeamish about sex but this is not making people equal....wtf are you talking about he also wont go as far to say what the ideologies cardi and meg are fighting which im curious about ooo so now he says meg and cardi dont need to be doing anything other than commodity, admits hes puritanical, sees it through a warped lense what was the point of this video. spend 15 minutes seemingly arguing that they are being too sexual, just capitalist pawns, not radicals and will make poor russell want to packer his peepee

then say in one minute well that was all bullshit and should cardi and meg be doing something different...no so dumb

[gogoakechi]

some Reflections on how i perceive my own gender in conjunction with sexuality since ive kinda been thinking about it lately and wanted to lay my thoughts out

a few weeks out i saw a nonbinary artist i like tweeting about how their gender kinda shifts depending on who they feel attraction for. like if theyre in a Girl Lovin Mood they feel more like a woman, while if theyre in a Boy Lovin Mood they feel more like a man.

im not nonbinary so my own gender doesnt actually change in anyway, but ive noticed my sense of like. masculinity/androgyny/femininity changes? i dont know if its just like. heteronormativity drilled deep into my brain but when im attracted to a girl, i feel “more like a man”, while if theyre a boy or nonbinary person, i dont necessarily feel “like a girl” but i do feel androgynous at least?? sometimes real feminine, but again, not like im a girl.

i guess it could be like. the weird toxic masculinity and the need to be recognized as One Of The Boys that i find some sense of gender euphoria in taking on whats traditionally seen as only for men (ie, attraction towards women). like this weird internalized transphobia in conjunction with internalized homophobia telling me “congratulations you like women!! youre a real man now!!!! but if you like anyone else fuck you you dont get those Man Points”. because when i like dudes i usually just feel like how i normally do outside of romantic/sexual contexts but when its a girl i feel like a “Real Boy”.

theres honestly a lot of things i dont actually care much about but like to be included in just because theyre Man Things, like when i went with my dad to the salvage yard for car parts. i wanna be asked to play football with my cousins, even though ill say no, shown how to grill, taken out drinking, or dragged along with a group of all men, regardless of if thats intentional or not. and its just like. real weird recognizing how in my pursuit to Fully Transitioned Gender Euphoria, i almost want to play to that idea of traditional (but morally innocent) american manhood, even if a lot of it i really dont give a shit about. i just wanna feel Manly. and how that seeps even into my sexuality. id never date anyone just because of this, of course, and i do genuinely love girls, but its something ive noticed i feel when i think about women like that. like my internalized transphobia, toxic masculinity, and internalized homophobia all gang up on me saying “FINALLY youre doing something a Real Man should and wanting a woman”. and its kinda Bad gang-stars. but im still piecing it together so i dont know

when youre any variation of trans and/or nonbinary, youre constantly having a very strange dance with sexuality, as well. even if youre certain of yours and only attracted to a single gender. its weird that we seem to have such a divide between gender and sexuality in LGBT+ Politics(tm), like theyre two totally different topics, when sexuality itself is defined by gender and how we perceive and understand our gender can be influenced by internalized bigotry. these things arent two different categories on a character sheet, theyre inherently interwoven and affecting each other. transphobia, sexism, and homophobia are all swirling in the same gatorade jug and im the football coach that its getting dumped on.

also im sure this is understood but this is just my personal experience with being a transgender man and in no way speaks for anybody else. im also just Talkin here and putting my thoughts together so dont take it as an authority on trans stuff either.

anyway thank you for reading!!

[heterophobiclesbean]

genuinely whats ur opinion on de-transitioning women/gnc people. (people who are de-transitioned ftm in particularly in this case) and are re-identifying as a woman/lesbian. im asking because this literally might be me. im having a hard time with my gender lately (especially post all my surgeries lmao) but all i can find are TERFS/radfems who even want to talk about it but i literally want Nothing to do with those pieces of shit.

i think it happens more commonly than people want to admit because despite the fact that it does happen, notably with a lot of butch lesbians, people will (unfairly) use detransitioned people as a pawn in favor of transphobic arguments.

the fact is, sometimes we get our identities wrong the first time around. or the second time around. and so on. or maybe sometimes a label we had before doesnt fit anymore. sometimes both. and as much as it sucks to see people tokenize detransitioned people as “proof” that trans people shouldnt transition etc, its also important to recognize that sometimes people do change their identities, for whatever reason, and thats fine and normal and not weird! figuring out your gender or sexuality or other shit can be really hard, and historically there are a lot of people out there who have had the “lesbian or trans man?” identity struggle because of the way western culture constructs lesbianism and manhood.

you aren’t a bad person if you decide you arent a trans man and are actually a lesbian, or if you do determine that you are a man and just needed some time to process. gender is complicated and really poorly defined in our culture, which means that it can take some time and some trial and error to really figure out what it means for you.

i think conversations like these tend to happen more often in TERF/radfem circles because so many people take stories of people realizing they arent trans as proof that being trans is a mental illness or a delusion or whatever other transphobic beliefs that they have, and also because i think a lot of TERFs/radfems often blame their own “confusion” of thinking they were trans and then realizing they werent on the trans community, usually talking about “trans activist propaganda” or whatever else. and part of me wonders if that has to do with the hurt experienced after misidentifying yourself and needing to blame someone else.

but its not weird, its not bad, its not as uncommon as people might think it is, and it also doesnt invalidate trans peoples experiences, reasons to transition, or choices about their own surgeries. Its a nuanced conversation, and i know there are people out there who have gone through what youre going through right now who arent TERFs or radfems who could probably offer better insight than i can, they might just be kind of hard to find. they’re out there though! and im sure you’ll find them.

hang in there, friend

[greywindow]

I will never understand what kept you near me aside from momentary need. I am happy you brought up all the ways you would never cherish me or protect me though. The true nadir began when you decided I was to “blame” for the state of our relationship. The true blame lied with you, it lay in the weeds you planted… I never even said it. Numerous times I tried to clarify that no one was “to blame”…. But i was wrong. It was you. Very simply it was the ways you would never cherish or protect me… Defend me when pressed… Sure… But only because you will defend anything…. You know unequivocally that I would have burned for you… Even if only to prove you were worth it… I would have never even attempt to ask 20% of that of you because I would have been simply disappointed… And even that was a stress I simply bore, not recognizing it for what it was. So when you made my two breakdowns… Yes breakdowns Under the stress of supporting and caring for someone who seems to care about anyone other than the two of us more than anything. When I get to repeatedly hear about how willing you are to help your friends get their lives moving forward… And how you sacrifice everything of yourself to a relationship and see none of that reflected on me….. Reading and writing with your one friend Listening to the music and reading the lyrics of your other friend (who you secretly love and pine for after reading the lyrics while telling everyone else in your life but not me) Constantly waiting for video and art updates from your other friend (who in public you refer to as your wife and lover but I am some unnamed shadow) And constantly going on discussions of cosplay with online friends and getting a couple “oh yah we’ll do some stuff so I can show off your body” basically…. For me. So yes. On the days you decide to be blatantly cruel due to some hidden and callous “slight” I cast your way or some offense to your astrology and drag out my punishment for an hour or two of silence, dejected refusal to acknowledge reality amd deciding my attempts to help you are really more proofs of me being hurtful or ignorant…. Or the day I was told my grandmother was entering palliative care and you decided it was a good argument to smash my property and scream almost hysterically until you had to be physically restrained and even then almost clawed out my eyes? On those days…… I finally break down. I dont know if anyone reads this or takes the time. I don’t care. You can judge me and say “what kind of man loves like this”? I do not care. I was willing to give this woman anything because that seems to be my role in meeting inescapably damaged people… It is the wound I carry and it doesnt bother me, now that i know what it is… I have been made to feel like the smallest nothing but I am intellectual and well built physically to the point that I can destroy people mentally or physically, people can be afraid of me just by being me…. When I stumble across someone female in the situation of being bent and damaged but not broken by the world I feel comfortable enough to give up my control to them because they can teach me the softness I don’t have. In the process, for the first time… They have the opportunity to hurt, the power of control… And the passed few haven’t handled that responsibility very well. You were no different. I don’t judge you for it, although it is true. You took the ability to be Poison Ivy with her Bane and gave it up because you didnt agree with the symbolism and instead wished for Superman, a few thousand miles away. I wouldn’t have cared. I am a Gemini remember (you’re with me if you want to be or you arent. Case closed)…. I could easily live with that… But you took my dedication to you and turned it into something wrong or bad You took away any chance of forgiveness for the two times i broke down and made it into that being who or what I am. You know my ability to cause violence and I never once turned it towards you even a tiny bit…. Because my tiny bits would cause incredible damage to someone as tiny as you… And yet…. When you made me out to be the problem, that hint of violence was your goto. That was why I broke down for the third and final time and why I cant speak to you until the passage of years has grown you, or until you grow into rest of the 98%‘ers and the point is moot. I would have burned for you. I gave up some of the things that men think make them men for you. You had a Lion that would give you his belly. I dont mind that you didnt love me. C'est la Vie. It hurt, not going to lie. There is no way I would have broken down the way I did and shouted you out of my house the way I did had you simply told me that. You dont have the right to say things about me in regards to love because that honour goes to your “friend”. I want to be clear. He didn’t break us up. You did. This is not about your feelings for the other people you pretend to be poly with. This is about your lack of empathy and love for me. I am sure you have people you have talked about astrology with and even if I was mentioned alongside his name… The focus turned to him and progressed with me as a side note. How many people have seen his chart? How many people have seen mine? Has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with you. You couldn’t even see I was literally crumbling internally that last morning when I lost it… Its not that you have some different form of love than I, its that you don’t love me. A year in I never would have given two shits whether or not you loved me, but it kind of sucks to see you more in love with yourself and him than I. And you are only being disingenuous to yourself from this point if you don’t see it. When I finally broke down I was like turning in circles and I turned to you in some weird confusion to hug you (because i didn’t know what else to do) you only saw the beast and not the cub…. Remember telling me about needing to cry? Had you hugged me then amd petted my head and told me it would be alright this story would be different. That would have been the action of both a friend and a lover to seeing the one they care for in obvious distress. You put your hands out like I was unclean… And I still didnt even really know what I was doing. Do you know I actually can’t even remember at what point or what was said when I lost it…. That whole period I almost stood outside myself and watched me spin my wheels and wring my hands turning this way and that before turning to you for a hug… I want you to know if you made it this far that I dont hate you. I reserve my true indifference for those I hate. You would never get this piece of writing. I will never mail this to you though. It will remain buried here for a long as it remains a digital memory of this time. If you find it, even then you may still blind yourself. So here it will remain… I don’t need to prove anything. I never did, thats why when a fool and a wise man argue its hard to tell the difference… I dont have any of the “pride” or ego based contradictions to iron out, prove or make fundamental to my life…. I live just fine in my skin, its you my dear that has those issues to follow through on. My lesson was to truly learn my role as the Blackbird in your life and if the alignments continue to bring me more like you I will only learn to be more patient and more caring until I get it right. One day when you are willing to be honest with yourself and actually sit down and learn who you are as a concept and not as what a concept defines you as we will talk. If there is the core inside you that everyone spiritual can see and that you cannot it will grow and break itself free of you and leave this cage behind… That will require you discovering your spirituality and that is inside not in some book or forum of painters all painting with the same color. Maybe you see the things I write, maybe not. This really isnt for you although I talking to you, its for me. I can finally just let you go… It’s taken so long and I am still hurt and mad, i am happy i know though and it’s worked its way through to the separation of our energies. I was thinking about how you would feel if you pushed him numerous times to the breaking point until he had his two breakdowns in the year you spent in his presence… And i realized that it wouldn’t happen because you are trying to buy your redemption and self worth through him… Because it was only his ex that pushed him to the point where he couldn’t handle it… Not sure how self aware you were when you made the claim that you could be like her to him… You heard and felt his pain over it, and you have projected your own insecurities into that place. The damsel in distress bit probably worked with whatever guy in town you were talking to before we were done, and if it has any effect on your true love…. It was only to show him where he wouldn’t find his redemption. The round about funny thing is… And i have never considered it until now people who have the “unrequitted” love syndrome pass it on karmically to the ones that follow.... sure to subconscious projection of superiority over the same arch type that previously caused them intense pain… You dont have to get over me, I have now finalized my getting over you... Its you who has to get over him. Maybe one day when you are ready to admit some things to yourself we will talk again... and if not then maybe in our next lives we can be cats. Take care of yourself

[blackrupee]

god theres no way to talk about this without sounding like an ugly obnoxious “i hate small talk” tumblr brat but

social interactions are so fucking fake, and its encouraged to maintain some sort of “appropriate” facade that is just. straight up dishonest. this can manifest itself in various ways

customer service, specifically emotional labor. demanding this labor, either employer-side or customer-side, just feels gross. does it not feel gross? i can only speak on the latter case as i have been a consumer but not an employer. the knowledge that a cashier is faking happiness in order to “please” me because its “expected” (expected according to social standards of interaction or expected of the employer? more on the former later)...like doesnt that feel manipulative? like im being manipulative by existing? perhaps thats a fault of my own—the feeling of existence as a default burden on others. i feel like an argument could be made that this is in the nature of existence, and not a flawed perspective of my own. in any case, my personal experience is that because of the nature of “customer service” i end up sharing an unnecessary burden that is, at its core, arbitrary.

of course, much has been said on providing emotional labor. faking a smile for customers is as such—fake.

casual social interactions. this is where it gets really “i hate small talk” obnoxious but hear me out lmao. i was a passive party in a conversation at work the other day, partially due to my reclusive tendencies, primarily due to my lack of knowledge about the topic of conversation. this conversation was about some tv show, letterkenny? idk. the only thing ive seen of it was a scene that was on tumblr. but my coworkers were just going back and forth talking about the show, and it just seemed strange to me. like it was literally (sorry this is edgy) “yes, i consume and enjoy this media” “i also consume and enjoy this media” “haha this is a fact about this piece of media that i enjoyed” “i enjoyed that as well. [media references]” “[more references]” “[even more references]” is there anything of value or of meaning with this interaction? is there a purpose beyond saying that you both exist in the same world (contentious) with access (contentious) to the same media? and that you have consumed the same media? whats the point? whats the point? an argument could be made that human identity is formed in part due to things we “like” and by sharing things we “like” we share our selves. yet is this not an unnecessary abstraction, and unneeded proxy, a useless avenue by which interaction occurs? the question then is what qualifies “real” interaction? what forms might this take, and what information is shared?

more on casual social interactions since that was dominated by an anecdote. just basic daily conversations with “acquaintances” just. it just feels so pointless. honestly, it feels like more of a burden and inconvenience than anything. however, im still going to feel lonely because no one talks to me. [maximum edge incoming] i just fucking wish the animalistic desire for companionship could be fucking bred out of people already. its such an inconvenience. i want to be able to exist without feeling, like in general, but specifically without feeling like i need to meet some requirements for social interactions. babies die if they arent handled enough in infancy. how stupid is that?

friends in particular. there seems to be a significant difference in what we consider a “friend” versus an “acquaintance,” but the distinction seems to be as intangible as the one between pseudoscience and accepted science. just as science is “real” and pseudoscience isnt, such are friends and acquaintances. and as such, similar problems of demarcation present themselves. im nto going to delve too hard into this but like. with regards to the initial topic of falsity in human relations, friends seem as guilty of this as other more “casual” (how is that defined?) relationships. the most pressing thing rn is actually what prompted this entire post lmao. when faced with the despair associated with consciousness, or even less existential problems like a poor exam score, it is always suggested to confide in friends. “dont bottle up your feelings” “talk about it” “im here for you if you ever need anything” its all fake. theyre all lies. no one gives a shit, they just pretend to because theyre expected to. why are they expected to? universal standards of “not being a dick”-ness, maybe. the aforementioned primal urge for social realization, maybe. (being an asshole nets you few friends, a fact i can attest to). unloading problems on people is a burden, and it will always be a burden. even if it was hypothetically possible for someone to actually want friends to come to them with problems (sadism, maybe?), it is objectively burdensome. as such, no one wants to take on the burden, yet acts like they do. they have to. theyre required to. and its bullshit.

i dont know this is stupid and ramble-y and edgy and literally the worst thing ever but i literally feel like im going to explode and this is the best way to avoid being a burden. instead, ill release my stupid pointless ridiculous edgy problems into a virtual oblivion visible only by zeros and ones. no one will read this, and thats good. thats the point. release of pressure while inconveniencing no one. just. talking through dumb shit to no one at all, but it feels cathartic. definitely feels better than curling up in a fetal position alone in my room.

im still mad that it feels at all

basically im just a fucking sociopath (or im just being an edgy preteen lol) and need to be locked up bye

[ionproton]

And I cant do much...

Sorry guys...I need to figure out so much stuff...everyone is gonna treat me like an idiot....all I did was figure out where to find myself...why do I need to be an idiot!?!?!?!

Dont make me do everything on my own.  I want a diveerse team.  Diverse jobs.  Diverse cities....specialties...all sorts of stuff....This is Steven Universe.  But I learn best from Mark.  I am Don’s son.  A Don is a great one.  The animals that must die....will when mother nature or grandfather time says they must.  Those arent my decisions.

My job is to find solutions.  I find weaknesses in security with my friends that like to hack.  We do not do anything malicious.  

The malicious hackers I hunt out in person.  I am not violent...but my past may tell a much different story.  

Do you understand what I am saying here?  I have the power and I want it to be shared.  I want everyone to have their piece.  

“But there is only one pie.”

Actually that isnt it.....there is 2pie

Even then there is actually 3.14 pie

Thats a Qt...y?

qwert is twerking 

enemy is hurting.

Good.  They shouldnt have bet against my family.

“Why not?”

Well, I am a solutions guy.  See, I understand that my family means one thing as a human.  But, in my studies I learned thanks to Carl...not sure if he was bi but you can know me more later.  ask about nomenclature.  

Here it is....

Y’all are worried about a lot...

Check my youtube channel....I left a bunch of stuff to help. 

Ill be back tomorrow.

I really want a lamborghini...but I will earn whatever...

The money goes to everyone else first...

Cure the cancer.  I appreciate it...I shouldnt be smoking anyway....you are way to kind.

The demnetia, the alzheinmers....thanks for whatever you give me....but the people need more money...then once they get it....it will be a stimulus package.

Let them see what to do with it....either they invest in companies...or they spend it....people need things...its all good....submit problems and wherever I am I will leave some ideas.

They are not always right.  Do not believe me.

Challenge and think for yourself.  

Games still happen....but I got my exit package.

My job?  I am a writer.

I have a mound of journals.

Literally....what you see on this blog, or wordpress, or youtube...

oh shit!  check my soundcloud....

I love to flow in my free time.

Writing is my job.  Hip hop keeps me cool and able to model how to play word games...but also side with angels.

If I drop it...my team will pick it up....

But...check this...even the enemy knows that we are all good...so its just a game.   Most of us hang anyway.  

Let me pay for whatever you want me to.  Blank page for the world.  But make sure that the business men take care of that shit....I am a science guy and want ot go see what my students are learning.  Ill report back later.  

Imagine if the Lamborghini actually was here.  In my driveway...

That would be crazy...

That would be really crazy...

It would require a secret we should keep.

Maybe a code should come up...

We should all have our own....in case we are of different galaxies.

I’ll explain quantum after yall have some time to line up.  But the Bee’s are the Knees and Please let them be the teachers....

Dr. is a Deeeeeeezzzzz nutttts!!!!!

Love you.  I’ll be back later.  I have to figure out if it’s ok to get a patent on the software.  

If that is something that disrespects the culture, I won't.  I just want to protect myself and the company....people are lazy and try to sue instead of fucking work for anything.  Its annoying.  But...they are assholes....and mom always said...don't be assholes..so...at least we thank them for their service!

Oh...BTW....this isn't Mark my friends!

I made sure I defended him this time.  I don't want him to get hurt.  I’ll do all science experiments and take the death risk as a result.  We learn so much.  I will share my stories....they can be real or fake...you decide....but you will find them here.  (and there if you want)  Users decide!

One love.

Steve

PS. Ask my mom, dad, and sis what they want as presents.  But nothing to me until everyone has their order restored.  It's the only way we can allow me to mine more info and art.

Our art from Houston is fucking blowing up!  It may not be scientific or correct...or at least with the technology we have available now.  It does however allow us to hear the creative minds of humans (and my type...yall define that).  I am whatever the users crowdfund. 

You better know though I troll harder....I am the Ogre of trolls with many minions.

But I can help throttle machine learning.  Kids will end up teaching Adults and that repeats.  I'll be back...

(Y'all begin your search...I have poems that I wrote hidden around town on your side....they may be worth something...IDK)

**Disclaimer** This is a shitty first draft.  I know there are mistake.  Whatever.  Ground me then.  I'll sacrifice my wings.  But...my students may find a new way for me to fly :)

I hope they are Wright...

Steven is the funny one.  Y'all will love him.

Save my girl asses.  If she wants....