#but unfortunately this kind of game means that's the end of that and I haven't received my coffee beans and I dunno where to find them 😭

[johnono]

plz why am I so bad at escaping to Nutopia 😭 (game I mentioned earlier) I just wanna walk through central park with Sean & Yoko but I can't even find the coffee I think I'm supposed to drink so I can go down the hallway/put some clothes on 😭 I can Smell the coffee but I cannot go to the coffee. maybe I'm not even supposed to find the coffee yet and there's something else I haven't investigated properly but I don't knowww

[abysshare]

I feel like this needs to be said but i feel like I'll just be talking to a brick wall for the billionth time.

The ableism of disabled villains in fandom is so beyond tiring. Its bad enough when a grey or protag character gets it.

Today I'll be using Curly from Mouthwashing and William Afton from FNAF as an example.

Curly, isn't really a grey character. Maybe more of a protag, but since we play as Jimmy for most of it, he is kind of an antag. But for this post i will be putting him as a protag. Which reminder.

Protag doesn't mean good guy exactly.

Anyway.

Captain Curly is a burn survivor as well as a disabled man, with no skin, no hands or feet, and is left with one eye. The damage is pretty bad, and the Nurse ( Anya ) has done the best she could with what she had, which is pretty damn good considering all things.

How does the fandom treat him? Its a mixed bag but of course. Ableism.

They either give him "dog buttons", or infantalize him, coquette-ify him, erase the situation just because "its easier" or whatever else. And then theres some people who genuinely try by getting him to a proper hospital so Anya or another doctor can try and fix what they can, as well as give him an AAC device or a wheelchair, so on and so forth.

Its either shit as unfortunately expected or good enough that makes people genuinely do research or call out ableism.

Now lets look at William Afton. A villain, murderer, mad scientist and so forth. For this post I'll be strictly talking about The Fourth Closet William Afton and Burntrap.

For those who are not into FNAF. The Fourth Closet is a seperate timeline from the games, an AU. And Burntrap is TECHNICALLY not William now, but when Security Breach came out, we didn't know this.

A bit more backstory for those who do not know. William has an Animatronic suit that he can go into to perform or kill, but it has these things called springlocks. If something happens, they can go off and hurt and eventually kill him.

Moving on.

William Afton is a Springlock Victim ( and even though no fire happens in the book before the ending of The Fourth Closet, i would argue and say he does indeed have burn scars as well in the graphic novel ) aka ragged Metal throughout his skin.

As Burntrap, he is a metal burned skeleton with leftovers of Springtrap/Scraptrap with burnt flesh.

How does the fandom treat both versions of him?

As Burntrap: some people like him, some don't. Its purely because at the first reveal we all thought it was William himself somehow even though he is supposed to be dead-dead for real. His design CAN be cool, scary and great in the right spotlight.

However.....

Most people took the "haha peepaw" route of memes. Some being ageist and some being ableist. Making him a senile old man in a wheelchair or a walker with Vanny being his caretaker. Most of the time throwing him down the stairs or beating him with his mobility aid or threatening to. Sometimes they would also draw him in diapers with poop in it.

Utterly disgusting, ageist and ableist behavior all because this is a villain.

How do they treat TFC version of William? Well.... i don't see much of him to be frank. But either its coquette-ifying him ( which is just as gross as coquette-ifying Curly ), genuinely calling him pretty or being absolutely being ableist/rancid, or removing his scars all together.

What is the point I'm getting at?

If its a villain, like William, to Darth Vader to Hordak from the She Ra remake, to Belos from TOH.......

They get mocked for their disabilities because abled folks ( and even some disabled folks ) thinks the Villain or whoever deserves it as punishment.

But these same people will turn around and infantilize and baby, or dogify or coquetteify "good guy" disabled characters.

I haven't seen this in the Arcane fandom, while i don't doubt people have been ableist to Jinx, Silco or Viktor , at least it isn't as "loud".

Ableism isn't cute or funny. And while i UNDERSTAND these are characters- and that they are not real.

It HURTs real people.

And I'm talking as a disabled chronic pain person, so don't even start with me.

Ableists and shit will be deleted, ty.

Edit ( 12 / 9 / 2024 ): to add to this, i still see people making jokes, especially to make self shippers feel bad ( those who self ship with springtrap ), about how William most likely passed human fluids and gasses as he died-

Yeah. News flash: you do that no matter how you die. Even later in a casket as you're rotting away.

Now.. the act of him doing that as he dies isn't ableist within itself. But the fact that these people using the bit of him urinating and defecating himself as a joke Is ableist as there are folks with disabilities that can't control it, and there is no shame in that.

Also if you're trying to say "Springtrap smells like literal shit". Consider people already know this and either ignore that ( which is valid ) or yk. Have their insert take Springtrap home and clean him up and fix him.

Or have Springtrap clean himself up ( i imagine he does by the time he become Scraptrap, as best as he can anyway ).

.

As for Curly, i am seeing a lot of Videos that are finally talking about it. Thank the gods, moon, whatever.

Mouthwashing is one of those things you really don't need to ship anyone with anyone ( if you must i highly suggest making an oc because thats awesome ).

On top of that though I'm still seeing ableist art of Curly and probably will for awhile 😮‍💨

[1000sunnygo]

One Piece Academy chapter 41: The Dark Bingo Tournament, part 1 (Quick translation)

The lore deepens..

source | previous chapter | part 2 | index

Cover page side note : Sanji-kun's morning starts with black coffee.

Editor's note: what was discussed while playing trump at the Doflamingo countermeasure headquarters?

-

Everyone: An undercover investigation?

Cora: Yeah...

Cora: Doffy is supposed to attend a certain meeting tonight. Law and I will have an investigation trip.

Robin: 'A certain'...?

Luffy: ..Party with Mingo? I'm coming as well!!

Nami: They just said it's an investigation!

Law: Outside, it's a Bingo party with the Grand City enterprises.

But in reality... It's a meet-and-greet ceremony with the Dark World's residents.

Chopper: The Dark world... Meaning the bad adults? Er, Eleven-Back...

Robin: Eight-Stop (T/N: these are Daifugou card game terms)

Cora: It's all my intuitive prediction, though.

Doffy got himself his first new suit in a long time. There's something to this...

If they meet, it's possible that he'd sign a contract to become part of the gangs then and there. We have to stop this somehow.

Zoro: What do you mean 'somehow'? You haven't decided what to do yet?

Sanji: You want to stop them without being busted. It ain't a simple task at all.

Vivi: Definitely a high risque plan for high schoolers.... Triple Queen.

Cora: I'm one of the students who is given authority by the country and the school to 'investigate and use force'.

Coby: Something like Student council, or Public morals corps?

Cora: Right... Coby, you were part of the Public morals corps, aren't you.

Nami: Hey, Cora-chan... Was Doflamingo always like this? You've lived with him, haven't you?

Cora:....

Our family, the Donquixote Family "used to be" one of the great families of the world. We brothers were raised by kind hearted mother and father.

Vivi: The Donquixote Family! I've heart bits about it from Papa.

Cora: 'Cause Vivi-chan's Nefertari family is also one of those great families!

Usopp: That sounds like a nice family!

Brook: What do you mean by "used to be?"

Cora: A fall from a prestigious family to rock bottom... That's what I mean.

Father, unfamiliar with business, tried his hand at several private charity projects. Unfortunately, every single one ended in huge failure. Our family lost all its possessions, and we lost our social standing.

Those were terrible days, filled with hunger. There were people who's mock and laugh at us for getting the boot, kicked out of the town.

All of it was probably unbearable for my brother. He developed a deep seated hate towards the townsfolk and father.

Then, Doffy disappeared from the sight of me and family. As years passed on...

Cora: I discovered him in the streets as one of the thugs.

Sanji: I guess, he was royally messed up.

Vivi: So he has a past like this behind that perpetual jolly demeanor...

Chopper: Vivi...

Luffy: Corao, I'm bringing leftover food with me.

Cora: Bring with you? You're going somewhere?

Luffy: Why, at Mingo's party!

(Continues in reblogs) ⬇️

[in-this-crystal-kingdom]

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SUFFERING GAME GRAPHIC NOVEL

Okay SO. Everyone has some thoughts on this one for sure as I have seen. A lot of people are saying they took a lot from Wonderland and that it's a disappointment as an adaptation but here's the thing: I have viewed the books as separate canon from the podcast since around Crystal Kingdom. I don't necessarily see it as a faithful adaptation but as a cool way to get more people into the story without giving EVERYTHING away in case they decide to listen. However, that being said, I have some things to say. I'm going to start with the negative first because even though I LOVED this book I so have some things I will miss about it (but please understand that I LOVED THE BOOK SM GUYS, I will ofc be adding what I loved after this part)

My Issues/Things I Wish Were Included:

Magnus trying to find his own answers with the voidfish. I was really looking forward to how they would show and represent that!

"I'm afraid no one else will have me" was such a good scene, I really liked the vulnerability Taako showed then because aside from his scene in Petals we haven't seen a whole lot of that from him in the books (again, I veiw the books as separate canon, but it would be nice to see)

CAM! I missed Cam so much he was delightful

No Boss Rush

I don't like that they basically forced Magus to decide if he wanted to lose Julia and never mention Gov. Kallen at all. That was such an impactful moment and they kind of side stepped it unfortunately

Trust or Forsake is missing which is also unfortunate

A lot of what made Wonderland interesting is either spedrun or absent so they kind of took the Wonder out of Wonderland

Taako giving up his beauty is also gone! Which sucks ass! My only true issue with this book that I genuinely was heartbroken over. I understand it can be a hard thing to show, especially when it runs the risk of someone in real life looking at the design and going "ow, that looks like me!'. So like. I get it. I really do. But they cut so much of Podcast!Taako's growth in Book!Taako's character that it was a sore spot for me personally.

If they let Johann live in the next book I will be very upset

SPEAKING OF NEXT BOOK!! Now that I have all my negative out of the way ohohoh boy I'm gonna share the positives I have with it. Given that, again, I view the books as separate story than the podcast, I thought they did a wonderful job overall. Solid 8/10 for me! Here are the things I am still screaming about

Things I adore about this book and will be living rent free in my head forever

TAAKO AND KRAVITZ KISS LIKE 5 PAGES IN AND I SCREAMED CAREY ATE WITH THAT

Merle's kids 😭😭😭

JOHANN IS ACKNOWLEDGED IN THIS ONE RAAAAAAAA I WAS SO WORRIED THEY WERE TRYING TO CUT HIM OUT

I love the redesign of Wonderland looking like a circus instead of a roulette wheel, I liked that a lot

Kravitz calling Taako to tell him to be safe,,, the call getting cut off,,,, pain

I loved the wheel it looked so cool

Edward and Lydia were giving Velvet and Veneer and I am HERE FOR IT

Heart Attack my beloved 🥰

ARMS OUTSTRETCHED!!!!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TAAKO SAW KRAVITZ IN THE TAR??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE TRIED TO SAVE HIM?????? MCELROY FAMILY AND CAREY WHEN I GET YOU-

Seeing the umbra staff (*cough cough* Lup) BEAT THE SHIT out of Edward was lovely, no notes

HOW GRIFFIN DISAPPEARED!!! I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD DO THAT!!!

BLUEJEANS REVEAL

The Umbra Staff jumping into Barry's arms 😭😭😭

Taako having STATIC IN HIS EYES seeing the staff and Barry together CAREY PLEASE

MERLE SEEING JOHN, THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE

L U P SHE IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I CRIED I AM SO GLAD THEY GAVE HER LONG HAIR TOO!!

GOD THE BOOK ENDED WHERE I WANTED IT TO AND THEN SOME ACTUALLY (I thought it would end with the line "Lucretia, what have you done???" BUT MAN I'M NOT MAD IT WENT ON A BIT LATER)

THE IPRE PAINTING. THEM. THEY. ALL OF THEM. I AM DYING. MY CROPS ARE WATERED AS SHIT.

[ethicaltreatmentofcowplants]

UNA SMIT-VATORE for @cawthorntales SWEET AS HONEY BC

NAME: Una Smit-Vatore (she/her) AGE: Young Adult (mid 20s) LIFE STATE: Human. Her father, Caleb Vatore, is a vampire, but Una didn't get the trait. And unlike spellcasters and werewolves, non-vampires don't inherit anything genetic (weak bloodline, dormant wolf etc) from parents, so she shouldn't be flagged as anything in your game. HOME WORLD: Windenburg, currently residing in Mt. Komorebi TRAITS: Bookworm, Overachiever, Dog Lover, Werewolf Ally - plus a few others from the satisfaction points redemption store. ASPIRATION: Renaissance Sim CAREER: Florist

more

Una is a homebody, in a kind of outdoorsy way. She loves a good book, sure, but she's equally likely to be found pottering in her garden or fishing in a nearby pond (I have no idea why Mt. Komorebi has so few fishing spots) as she is curled up with one. It isn't so much some capitalist dogma to make the most of her 'leisure' time as that Una genuinely finds these things relaxing and fun.

Growing up as the eldest of such a busy household, Una nevertheless felt that her caregivers had plenty of time for her and they tried to avoid the unfortunate trope where the eldest sibling ended up as a third parent for the youngest (Caleb with his super speed and not needing to sleep was particularly good for this). However she also had to make her own entertainment a lot of the time. The television was often broken thanks to her werewolf stepfather, Lou Howell, but there were plenty of toys and books, a piano in the living room - and a garden with bees (and Patchy!).

Thus she came to enjoy her own company - and while she tends to keep the friends that she makes, her naturally reserved nature and the reality of adulting post college means that family aside, her social circle is rather small.

She's a favourite of the four legged denizens of the world, however.

Una signed up for the challenge to... challenge herself, and to try something new. While she's curious about Ian and would love to meet him (and Razzle!), she's realistic about her chances and is not expecting true love to come of it. If she makes some new friends (both of the two and four legged variety), then Una would count this as a win.

Which isn't to say that she's adverse to something else budding, however...

OUTFITS & NOTES

Has a reasonable amount of maxis match cc, mostly from @ice-creamforbreakfast as I wanted a vaguely retro vibe that wasn't really supported by the packs.

No defaults apart from her feet, which I still haven't figured out how to get rid of. She has cc eyelashes that clash with rings - I couldn't find a version that I liked which didn't.

I added "genius" and "neat" to her traits but realised that without Growing Together, you may be restricted to only three. So if you have mods that allow more, feel free to readd them.

I've been playing her since infancy and am largely not pack restricted, so if the game tells you that you don't have necessary packs installed, it's likely just a childhood trait or skill and shouldn't impact her playability.

And yup, once again I am pooling from my 100 baby challenge spawn lololol.

(If people are interested in having a cc free version of Una to download, I can eventually work on that ^^)

[lilacwrite]

hiii! I love your tot works and I hope it's alright to ask this request for the NXX boys

I recently got 2nd degree burns to my foot, kinda impeding my movements and it made me very ill too. Took 2 weeks to heal and is still healing physically and me mentally.

So (if its not too much...) how would each of the boys react to seeing their s/o with that bad of an injury (after they got it) and how would they help them on the road to recovery?

Again I apologize if this is too much (if it is, you can drop it down to just vyn and artem)

🍮🍭

hii! I hope you're alright and have a quick recovery, anon! I will sadly drop it down to just Vyn and Artem, hope it's alright with you and once again, get well soon🫶🏼

p.s: the actions in this fictional work of literature are before the 2nd anniv (spoilers: the proposal)

p.p.s: if the interactions don't seem accurate, i haven't played the game in months, but nonetheless i present to you:

NXX reacting to your injury

Artem

Artem came rushing into the hospital as soon as he got the call.

As you were on working hours, he was the first to be called since he was your boss. You went to meet with a witness for a case when all of a sudden the building caught on fire and as the helpful person you are, you went the last one out, making sure everyone is out and safe.

But now you're laying on a hospital bed, unable to move your foot. The doctors told you how lucky you are that just your foot burnt,but while you were glad that "just your foot burnt", you still felt damn unlucky to be in this hospital bed.

"I'm here! I'm here! Where are they?" you heard Artem's voice in the hallway just as a nurse went to help him.

Artem. Your boss and the only man who could make this awful day slightly better. The brunette man who always makes you feel better honestly. Artem, who's now coming your way, worry painted all over his face. "y/n! are you okay?" he asks as he reaches your bed. He lays his fidgety hands by your side, waiting for you to confirm you're still alive and here with him. "I'm alright...I think" you give him a weak smile, to reassure him, that he quickly returns. He let out a relieved breath, visibly glad to hear your voice. "How's the witness?" you ask, worried about the case. He gave you a half amused laugh in response "They're alright, but it's you I'm worried about. No, don't worry, we won't lose this case because of this unfortunate incident. We will, however, try and see if this can be used as evidence." Artem managed to answer all your questions without even asking them in the first place.

You smile affectionately at him "I'm glad that you're here". Artem is the only person you'd want by your side right now . Artem, who's now slowly turning red because of your sweet words. With a shy smile, he nods"Me too" making both of you blush.

You're interrupted when the doctor walks into the room to announce that you'll be released in a few weeks and explained to you all your treatment. Artem patiently sat beside you, listening and memorizing everything that needs to be done and only speaking when the doctor asked 'who could help you?' ,your boss offering you all his free time in the next month. When the doctor left you tried to protest "You can't spend all your time by my side! What about the case?They need you back at the firm and-" Artem interrupts your observations with simple factual answers "Yes, I can and will. We'll work together on the case as I'll be with you for as long as you need me and if the firm needs me, Celeste can either take my place or I can have a quick video conference. Either way, I'm staying by your side until the doctor confirms you do not need my assistance anymore. " he finishes with a solemn look on his face that tells you that he means everything and every word. Your heart melts at the kind words this man has told. You soften and shyly agree that he can stay with you. The sweet moment reaches the end when the nurse comes in to treat your wound. Artem is sent away, but not before promising you that he'll come back first thing in the morning.

Vyn

Vyn is not the type to get easily startled or scared, but as he got a call that you were rushed to the hospital, he put everything on pause to rush to the Emergency Room.

Reaching the ER he tried to regain his composure as he asked a nurse "where are they? where is y/n?" the nurse saluted him before showing Vyn your room.

You give Vyn a weak smile, the meds doing their thing to ease your pain as the adrenaline starts to ditch you, going back to normal parameters. Vyn pants in the doorframe, a clear sign he's been running all the way here. "Did you start some cardio, dr Richter?" you tease him. "I'm glad to see you still have your humor. Are you alright?" his worried gaze surprising you. You try to nod, but you aren't sure if you succeeded or not as you're feeling very numb. "Yes, I think I'm alright" you reassure him, wanting nothing more than to kiss the worry away from him. He is relieved to see you still speaking and moving your hand, as you sign him to come closer. He reaches your side in two steps and now squeezes your hand. "How did this happen?" Vyn asks, addressing the elephant in the room. "I got out last when my apartment building caught on fire. How did you find out?" you weren't surprised that he found out so soon as more than half the staff here knows that you're friends with the renowned psychiatrist, but they barely got you out of the ambulance when Vyn arrived at the ER. "A friend of mine told me that someone I 'might' know is being brought in as we speak and the only person they know that is important to me is you." you blush at his words, at the fact that you're important to him. "Leaving this aside, what did the doctor tell you?" you tell Vyn everything and after that you somehow start a little gossip about your doctor. Apparently he and Vyn know each other and as always Vyn is more than happy to tell you about him, even if you have to insist just a little.

But your very productive conversation is brought to an end as Vyn is summoned for a patient. "I cannot right now as you can see I'm very busy." but the nurse insisted it's necessary that he comes now, before the patient hurts anyone. He gives you an apologetic look as you say "You can go" with an understanding smile. He returns the smile and adds "You may stay at my place until you find something else given that your building burned down. Now please rest as I will send a nurse to check on you and I will personally discuss your treatment with the doctor. And one more thing, if you don't mind I'd like to help you not just as a friend, but as a doctor myself. We'll continue this conversation when you wake you, now you need to rest as you've been through a very stressful situation" Vyn ends the speech with a kiss on your forehead before rushing to the patient in need of his attention.

__________________________

not read proof, this was nice for my writer block

[fantasyinallforms]

Fanfic Author Interview Game

Thank you to the few people that tagged me that I can't find anymore because I wanted too long to do that. So sorry, I've been ridiculously busy!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently 37

What's your total AO3 word count?

356,687 words

Top 5 stories by kudos:

You Should Be Safe With Me The Proper Way To Call You Mine Not Yours To Touch The Heart Remembers What The Mind Forgets Not All That Glitters Is Gold 

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I try to respond to every single one. I want to show you how much I appreciate them!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Remembrance, no contest. It's set 30 years after the events of The Hobbit when Bilbo visits Thorin's grave.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

With the exception of the above, all my fics have happy endings. I would say The Burden Of Choice or A Most Unlikely Dance Partner have the happiest endings.

Do you write crossovers?

I've never written one, and I have no plans for one.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Oh yes. I have fairly famously received hate on some of my heavier kinktober stuff. I mean, you put Thorin in a maid outfit one time.... Seriously, though, it happens from time to time, especially the longer you're in one fandom.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, and ALL kinds. Over half my fics are E-rated, and my first Bagginshield fic was E-rated.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Several attempted unfortunately. A few fic concepts shameless ripped as well.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I have! Happy Accidents was translated into Russian. Счастливые Случайности by when_you_top

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Recently yes! Until Our Next Encounter, co-written with the amazing @sunnyrosewritesstuff

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Bagginshield, forever and always.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I always meant to write more of Reputation be Damned, and I got halfway, but it's been so long that I don't know if I'll go back to that. I have so many other projects that take priority.

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told I have good characterization and story pacing.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm dyslexic, so it's always going to be my grammar.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I love to see it! Just please give me a translation in the notes or something. I actually write in Khuzdul in my fics frequently. A few times I've written in elvish as well.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I want to write more Jayvik for SURE. Other than that, any other writing I'm focusing on at the moment is original fiction.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

The Burden Of Choice 56K {E}. I basically wrote a book in less than 3 months, and it turned out better than I dreamed. It was a labour of love and will always be dear to me. That said, choosing a favourite of my fics is like choosing a favourite child. I love them all, and each one is a piece of me.

[onceuponalegendbg]

Thoughts On Project: Eden's Garden Chapter 1

Note: These are just my fresh off the first watch thoughts on the characters. Also, so very subjective.

Damon Maitsu: Ultimate Debater - Snake. My overall opinion on Damon hasn't really changed much since the prologue, which is something you'll see with a lot of the characters. He's still very full of himself, manipulative. He's also seemingly got an inferiority complex, always so self conscious about his talent especially in comparison to someone like Wolfie. I do find it interesting that of everyone Damon trusted Eva despite every red flag. Was it really as simple as her agreeing with him and that gave him enough validation to think "see, she thinks like me." I still like him as our protag and can't wait to see where he goes.

Wolfgang Akire: Ultimate Lawyer - Sheep. (Dead) Another character that my thoughts haven't changed a whole lot on. I didn't really trust him but I didn't think he needed to die. He was a complicated presence in the game. Sometimes his mannerisms skeeved me out, but he was never outwardly malicious. Not really. And I mean, he turned out to be right not to trust Eva...so... I'm curious about what went on with his dad though I do have my guesses.

Toshiko Kayura: Ultimate Matchmaker - Flamingo. This poor girl is not making it to the end of the game. I still don't have many overall thoughts on this little mochi but it is gonna suck when she inevitably dies.

Eloise Taulner: Ultimate Fencer - Swan. I'm starting to think Eloise may have more of a backbone than she lets on, and I'm curious how her...antagonism with Grace is going to progress (as much as I love Grace I also loved seeing Eloise push back a bit). I'm certain she is also not going to make it through this game, but I'm unsure if it'll be as a victim or a killer.

Desmond Hall: Ultimate Marksman - Shark. I like him. I appreciate his demeanor. Someone like him is definitely needed.

Ingrid Grimwall: Ultimate Blacksmith - Lion. Team Mom that I'm prepped to lose. Ingrid is very charming. Unfortunately I don't have much to add to that. Although, her singing voice is lovely.

Wenona: Ultimate Entrepreneur - Bear. She's such a bitch. I love her. I'm still waiting for her and Cassidy to have a meaningful interaction given that they've set up that conflict. I appreciate that she doesn't take anything at face value, it makes sense for someone in her profession.

Cassidy Amber: Ultimate Pro Gamer - Spider. Speaking of everyone's favorite gamer. I'm still keeping my theories about her in my back pocket, but I'm willing to admit I like her. A lot of that is due to her voice actress sounding like she is having the time of her life. Also her memory is actually really impressive. Must be from memorizing all those fight patterns.

Mark “Mayhem” Berskii: Ultimate Music Producer - Alligator. The boy looks consistently like he needs a nap. For that, he is a mood.

Jett Dawson: Ultimate Drag Racer - Coyote. I have next to no thoughts about this man. Uh.... His voice actor is good.

Diana Venicia: Ultimate Cosmetologist - Chameleon. I want to protect this good bean and am somehow still suspicious of her all at once. I can't figure out what it is about Diana that just... makes me squint. Genuinely cannot put my finger on where this is coming from. She did make me tear up during the trial though. Snowy did a great job. Is Diana the game's New Hope? Is she going to die tragically? Most likely.

Kai Monteago: Ultimate Influencer - Butterfly. Alright, so. My opinions on Kai have definitely changed. He's not a fav or anything but I like a lot of how he interacts with people, particularly Damon. He still kind of annoys me, mostly just because I find him whiny. But, it doesn't feel nearly as bad as it did in the prologue.

Ulysses Wilhelm: Ultimate Historian - Owl. Let's see... I still love history, note taking, and am in desperate need of a nap. I'm just Ulysses, friends. If I were the killer though, I'd go for this guy. His note taking is so helpful during trials. That aside, I'm actually growing pretty fond of this little nerd. His little interjections were cute.

Jean Delamer: Ultimate Ship Captain - Dragon. God, I genuinely don't want anything to happen to this man. He's such a steady presence. An anchor, if you will.

Eva Tsunaka: Ultimate Liar Mathlete - Crow. (Dead) Hmm. So. I've got some complicated feelings on this one. I was pretty certain once her real talent was revealed that she wasn't long for this world. I wasn't entirely sure that it would be this chapter but considering peoples' vague commenting on some of my predictions it felt like a safe bet. However, despite this, I found myself liking Eva as a character. Once the cool facade was ripped off, I felt bad but also endeared (which I imagine was the point). Still, once Wolfie bit the dust I had a hunch about Eva, though the bobby pin was a bit of a red herring that gave me pause (also fuck Eva for trying to frame Diana). My complicated feelings for this character come from the reveal of her motives. I didn't really feel anything when she was executed, and I'm starting to think that's a me problem given other reactions I've seen. I think what gets me stuck is that Eva seemingly has a form of a persecution complex, or perhaps it's closer to a victim complex. Now, this isn't to say that the others weren't being assholes to her. They were. But I'd also like to point out that Eva brought a little of it on herself when she chose to keep lying. If she'd just come out as the Ultimate Mathlete to start, yeah she might have got some snickers, but she made it worse by going to such lengths to keep that hidden. Again, I'm not excusing the bullying, but there is a trend of Eva making things worse for herself by lying. Diana and Damon actually reached out their hand to her. Diana especially just wanted to be her friend. But Eva couldn't see that. You know who she reminds me of? Goob from Meet the Robinsons. I'm also just a little confused on what the actual motives were. Like, the Traitor Perk was cool, but was she actually going to die by Tozu's hand if she didn't do something or was that a mislead just to get her to panic or...? I don't know. I liked her as a character, I just have complicated feelings. Maybe Ultimate Liar really was the more appropriate title.

Grace Madison: Ultimate Golfer - Rabbit. She's perfect. And that's it. I guess I'll see you guys next- What? What's with that look? ... Ugh. Fiiiiine. So, I've made it no secret that Grace is my favorite character. She's been my favorite since her introduction in the prologue. I think a lot of it comes from the VA giving 110% to her performance, but I just also find her funny... for the most part. Yes, even I can admit sometimes she's harsher than she needs to be (what the hell did you do, Grace, that your blackmail warranted that reaction). I give her some leeway during the trial because she'd just lost Wolfie but still. Speaking of, her relationship with Wolfgang is another point of interest. I wouldn't have initially called them as a thing because... well they're them. I want to know how all that happened. I don't even ship them and I am fascinated by this development (also my thing from the prologue). Her reaction after the execution was also worth noting seeing as she was the most vocal about wanting Eva executed. Given all this, I'm looking forward to what development she goes through before they inevitably decide that another one of my favs needs to die. ....I'd love to be proven wrong though, guys! ....Guys? ..... Please?

Overall Chapter 1 was great. The pacing in the trial could have maybe been tightened up but I had a blast.

[sualne]

Sorry if you're already working on this but with Luffy in Croc dad what's his hobby?? Like he's the biggest ball of energy and I think if wasn't fighting wild animals as a kid he would vibrate into another dimension from lack of stimulation. Does he draw and develop his art skills, has he taken up music or is he invested with the void century with Robin? Croc wants to keep him inside and safe so what did he think would be best to entertain him or does he buy a new thing every week that Luffy says he suddenly wants to do. Yes he looks at books but is that it. Also sorry if you answered this before and I've missed waht you said, I am pretty sure I've seen all your comics on this but I haven't seen all your ask answering questions.

i hadn't gotten these questions and im so glad you ask!! :D

so! luffy doesn't have one specific hobby and croc does end up giving him whatever he wants when he suddenly gets a new obsession, one of the reason he's so excited with finding the jewelry box and getting a dagger is because it's finally something new! after that he gets really into rings and knives until it gets bored of it and switch to something else again.

about him and learning about the void century with robin i actually got a comic later for that so i won't say anything here!

im going to make this a list and explain how it goes, under read more:

Fighting: this luffy doesn't know how to fight, but he still love the concept! he gets really excited hearing stories of fights, duels, martial arts and all the rest! In practice though, since he's been so sheltered and only ever saw one real fight that ended up with people being killed in front of him as a kid, if (haha) he were to witness another real fight he wouldn't be as giddy about it as when he hears stories. he does also learn the tiniest bit of kenpo from bonclay!

Dancing: luffy in canon loves dancing (and partying), here too! he doesn't know/master any specific styles but likes to drag people into dancing with him, if no one is around he'll grab some of the smaller bananawani instead.

Singing: he's still very bad at it.

Music: croc noticed how he'd taps on thing and tried to get him to learn some percussion, unfortunately for him, luffy doesn't care about music theory and just does whatever makes him happy. he also love loud noises and croc has to find a way to stop him from making a racket at any hours of the day, it gets worse when luffy loses some of his hearing and needs to make everything even louder. eventually he gets bored of it too.

Cooking: him and croc cooks together pretty often, if no one is there to supervise him luffy will ignore recipes and common sense, making all kind of abominations. it's a miracle he never set the kitchen on fire.

Bugs: he loves them! he collect them! alive. croc is horrified one day when he finds out baby luffy has been letting some food to rot so he could observes flies and larvae going through their little bug lives cycle. later croc gives him those pinned dead bugs collection boxes thinking luffy will like it, he doesnt.

Board&Cards Games: he mostly has to play them by himself, he doesn't like being alone so he'll often ends up playing it "with" the banawanis. after he loses a few too many times against the banawanis and can't get croc to join in for the millionth time he gives up on them. even when robin joins baroques works he still expect her to be too busy to play with him and doesn't ask (she would have accepted if he had asked).

Art&Craft: he tries a bit of everything, doing it his own way meaning most of it is kind of hideous or about to fall apart, canon luffy is completely fine with that, au luffy though, he's having ton of fun at first but when he gets old enough to see that his dad cant quite fake his enthusiasm or interest towards his disastrous creations he gets frustrated and stops for a while. later, robin finds an old drawing of his and thinks its cute so he start doodling a little again for her.

basically, he struggles keeping a hobby, some like fighting, dancing, bugs and staring at pictures in geography books he keeps through his life but mostly, he's very lonely and bored out of his mind, he's depressed, that's not something that can be helped for as long as he's isolated.

when robin becomes a part of his life everything gets better for him! she spends time with him, read stories for him, helps him get out more often, they even meet bonclay and for a few years he's genuinely happy.

[darkfictionjude]

I've followed blogs without a demo before and while sometimes it has paid off - I find myself doing it less and less overtime because all too often I go back to a blog 3/4 months later and find it dead with no demo.

That being said in a lot of cases the demos never being finished feels like a cycle of :

*wanting to foster interest and community around your writing* -> *writing an IF is a huge task and it takes longer than expected to learn coding/write a branching narrative/limit story scope to a feasible level* -> *interest dies down because it has been a long time with no demo* -> *low/no interaction on posts ends up feeling demotivating especially when compared to other IF authors so they lose passion for the project*

To compromise, on my part I don't often follow blogs with no demo but if I'm genuinely interested in the story I try to go back to the blog and like/reblog posts or ask questions if there's anything I'm curious about. I definitely think you should write what you want for yourself without necessarily expecting attention - but attention and interaction is always going to feel good regardless.

At the end of the day as an audience member you're never actually 'owed' free content (especially given that its more often then not a passion project) so I have no hard feelings for writers who make demo blogs just to share some fun info about their characters/story and then dip - even if it can feel disappointing.

It 100% feels weird/kind of scammy to have a patreon if you haven't actually written anything though, because you're taking money from people (who often don't have huge amounts in the first place) before they even know if they like your writing/world/story - and before they know if you're capable of actually fulfilling any of the promises you make (which given that IF is generally much longer than a traditional novel is a *massive* promise to make to your audience in exchange for their financial support).

After an author has dropped a demo (even before any/consistent updates) patreon is all good in my book. At that point the audience has a 'sample' of the writing and can use that as a method to judge if they enjoy it. As long as the promised content on the patreon tiers are being fulfilled - you as an audience member are now getting what you've paid for - and can unsubscribe at any point if you no longer wish to keep paying for it.

Yeah I do feel like writers tend to want to work on something that will sell, and why not? It feels good to know your hard work is recognized and appreciated

This is a very nuanced take, I feel that some people even get angry when writers disappear, which yeah I’ve been burned before but like I don’t understand getting pissed when at the end of the day there are more games out there and as you said, no one is owed free content. IF writers are hobbyists, like this is a side thing for most of us it’s a gruelling hobby not only work load wise but also if you unfortunately get anons being mean to you

Yeah I didn’t want to say that but it does feel strange when there’s no work but there’s a Patreon. Because Patreon is just additional writing, it’s meant to be complementary to the main work. People pay for additional writing because they hope it adds to their experience when reading the IF proper.

I mean based on the name it is a modern version of being a painter in Europe during the renaissance and have a richer patron pay you to make art 😭

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Yuri posting time. These are ships I personally vibe with from what I post about on here.

Higuchi and Gin (BSD): Okay, I'm not sure I can really explain this properly because it's so entwined with the plot of a particular fic I've been wanting to write about them, and I don't really want to spoil where it goes too much? Basically, I love the potential of two characters who (it's implied) got involved with dangerous work for the sake of their siblings. Higuchi's idealized view of romance contrasts with Gin's survival mentality (which is similar to Akutagawa's). At the same time, Higuchi gives Gin opportunities to express different sides of herself. They both work for the sake of others. Okay, so canonically, there isn't a lot there, because there is little exploration of the themes of BSD through these two characters, unfortunately. But, with a combination of "what if I explored the themes through these characters", some influence from O-Gin and Higuchi-sensei's works, and a touch of my own personal brand of "fuck it, we ball, and see where it rolls", I think there's a lot of fun things you can pull at.

Higuchi and Tsujimura (BSD): Not a long-term relationship. They're best friends who had a brief fling and then decided to remain friends. To me.

Wells and Sasaki (BSD): Absolute crack ship that I have not stopped thinking about since you suggested it @lucythejudge. It's so funny.

Meryl and Milly (Trigun): !!! THEM!!! AUGH! They spent!!! Eight months navigating the apocalypse together!!! Milly's smile and presence is enough to help Meryl out of her dark thoughts! Milly is unable to sleep when Meryl is in danger! Milly challenges Vash and Wolfwood when they try to stop her from rescuing Meryl! Meryl has complete faith in Milly to intervene when she has a literal contract killer pointing a gun at her head!!! They're always at each other's sides! THEY!

Coco and Agott (WHA): They give me slight killugon vibes (also maybe lumity - but I've never actually watched owl house unfortunately). Cute and pure. I hope they continue to inspire each other. :)

Theta and Morena (HxH): Saw art for this once. They haven't even interacted. But still, my brain thinks about it and goes ohohohoho

Ann and Shiho (P5R): Ahhh... they want to be strong for each other... avenging Shiho was Ann's reason for awakening... ahhhhhh

Ann and Mika (P5R): I just think Ann's canonical admiration for women who are mean is incredibly funny and so real. Get her a mean girlfriend.

Makoto and Hifumi (P5R): Okay, they hit it off immediately and also I want to see how intense they get over a game of shogi. Everyone quietly backing away from them... lmao. Also I think it's nice because Makoto could understand Hifumi's struggles with expectation and wanting to help her family, and Hifumi offers a familiar setting (intellectual, strategic) with opportunities for Makoto to expand her understanding as well as form a solid connection. They should be best friends at least!

Bonus:

This idea I had for a fucked up polycule that never actually becomes a polycule and is literally just Yosano, Wells, and Mary all being needed for some kind of research, with a stressed Tsujimura as their supervisor. There is... some kind of tension happening amidst the often inadvisable scientific decisions being made. No sex or romance actually ever occurs but there are conversations that sound suspiciously like flirting that usually end in Yosano gleefully hacking at something or someone in her temporary office, Mary nearly downing the entire grid because she diverted all the power to her latest project that then promptly exploded, or Wells vanishing then abruptly and calmly reappearing minutes later with no explanation except "the world will survive another day". Tsujimura is about ready to tear her hair out. The cat thief drops in sporadically to cause extra chaos. This too, is yuri.

[idv-sweethearts]

Hellohello! The luchino fan back again LMAO, I loved your other writing it was so good! I'm back again for more if you have the time, could you write about luchino comforting reader after a bad match? I usually feel shitty after messing up a match and wanna see how my fav would comfort me, if it's not too much thank you!

Luchino (Professor) Helping Reader Through Aftermath of Bad Matches ☕️

Notes: EHEHE. I HAVE A RECURRING ANON. EHEHEHEHEHEHE. YIPPEE. Also, I decided to go with a story format for this one, which is why the title's more creative. I also apologize if this is short.

You'd made a few silly mistakes and hoped like hell that would be the end of it. You hoped that maybe your team could recover and perhaps even achieve a win or a tie, though you knew the moment you were placed on that godforsaken chair for the final time that whatever victory your team achieved, you certainly wouldn't have contributed a damn thing to it.

And to hurt your pride even further, like it was all some kind of sick joke that some unknown deity of probability was playing on you specifically, it soon became as clear as day while you spectated that not one Survivor was going to make it out of that match. Was it your fault? At a certain point, they should be able to get the game back on track, right? But they'd have had a much easier time if you hadn't messed everything up like a complete and utter moron.

Now that you've gone and made yourself look like a fool, a failure, and a god damned mess, you've decided to spend the rest of the day in your room. By yourself. With no-one around to see how insanely stupid you are. Maybe if you read a book or something, you'd get smart enough to not make such dumb decisions! Maybe! Who knows! But whatever you choose to do with your time in here, you're sure as hell not about to out there so you can hear all the things they're going to say about you. You just can't bear to face them right now.

So, your room is where you've been for the past few hours. On one hand, you haven't been busy since that pathetic match. But on the other, that match being your last for the day means you'll have no chance to redeem yourself until tomorrow.

You swear that next time, you won't let those pitiful Hunters taste even a single victory if you can help it. You won't let them strike even a single one of your allies. They'd have to get through you first. But how could you even be that good? Wasn't your little display today proof enough that you can't do a single thing right? You have to get better. You have to do better. You have to-

There is a soft knock at the door, startling you and returning you to reality. You're in your room. Aside from the knock at your door a few seconds ago, it's dead silent and it has been for a while. Maybe, if you breathe quietly enough and don't answer the door, whoever it is will leave you be.

What could they even be here for? To mock you? To ridicule you for your poor performance today? Why would someone even go out of their way to do that? How sickening. You won't allow them even the chance.

You hear a second, slightly louder knock at the door, followed by a voice you know you'd never hear mock you. Not in a million years, no matter what he'd ever become, reptilian or even further into the future than that.

"[Y/N]? I know you are in there. You have not left your room since your most recent match, a match your team unfortunately lost. I have reason to express concern."

You let the voice and words of the professor sit in your mind for a moment before finally opening the door a bit. You trusted him to see you upset. You two were quite fond of eachother. Quite romantically attached, despite everything. After all, facing the incomprehensible is much easier when you aren't alone.

"Ah, [Y/N]. Are you alright? You seem... Unwell."

Your expression shifts into something more content and you silently open the door further and step out of the way, indicating an invitation into your room. After closing the door, you finally confirm your reasons for being so upset, while Luchino nods attentively, waiting patiently for you to finish your explanation.

He sits down, gestures for you to do the same, clears his throat, and politely offers his hand to place yours in. Almost hesitantly due to your mood, you place your hand in his.

He's naturally not the most skilled when it comes to social interactions, but he's more than capable of using his intelligence and observations to get him through most conversations. However, he's more nervous than he normally would be right now because the quality of his lover's evening is on the line. One could tell by how hesitant he is to even speak.

"Failure is... Necessary, I believe."

Wow. What a strong start.

"Through imperfections, one can learn and improve to a degree to a degree where they become almost unrecognizable. Do you think you are the same person you were when you first started? You are not and neither am I."

You'd always be the first to hear of all of the things he had to say, his failures and his accomplishments alike. Just as long as no messes were made, he'd always been happy to let you witness every little thing he'd ever discovered, no matter how beautiful and no matter how objectively disgusting. He was proud of every bit of it.

"You've come far, you'll always continue to progress, and it is not your fault that another happened to perform more skillfully. I fail too, at times. Disgracefully, in fact. I think everyone fails sometimes, just as everyone should. If everything and everyone were perfect from birth, there would be no need for change or variety, and there be would be no catharsis from overcoming challenges, because there would be no challenges to overcome. What do you think of that idea?"

[itsbenedict]

So this year went... not as good, vis-a-vis doing the things I wanted to do! Breaking down the goals...

Finish the first case of Justice/Arcana and revise the draft

Nnnnnope! I got through most of it, the players figured out the primary trick, but then I kind of hit a wall where I realized that I hadn't done enough to narrow down the culprit based on figuring out the trick. Doing so would require reworking the logistics such that the back room is the kitchen (an offscreen location the first draft never investigated) and characters have sandwich alibis. I've kind of got to go back to the drawing board here.

Finish the SakuraPetalFantasy walkthrough portion of Datasouls (not with the whole combat toy situation, just the rest of it)

Nope! I got chapter 4 done, but chapter 5 is only in an outline state right now. I did spend like a couple months doing Lost in Hearts instead, which built on the concept a little, but I didn't put in the work to finish things up.

Do 24 TFJ recaps, two per month

Nuh-uh. I got about halfway, but in addition to falling victim to my slump in the latter part of the year, TFJ itself kind of came to an unceremonious end due to some structural issues and player conflict. Current plan is to work with Farn to use the campaign as raw material to write a fantasy novel focusing on Saelhen.

Work through all the exercises in Genki 1 and 2, and catch up on WK reviews.

Nope- I mean, I caught up on reviews, but then fell out of the habit halfway through the year, and didn't finish the workbooks.

Date someone. I feel like I look decent and have a lot of desirable qualities that would make this not too hard to accomplish, but I have to put effort into looking or it’s never going to happen on its own. (I am unfortunately of the gender that doesn’t typically get asked out and has to take the initiative.) It’s gonna be tricky since I’m a weird person with weird life priorities and finding someone who’d actually be happy partnering up with that long-term is a tall order.

Haha, no. I wrote up a dating profile thing, and I did get one bite, but then she ghosted and it's been a couple months and it'd be awkward to try and go "hey, uh, are you still there?" at this point. I tried looking around myself, but I don't really know where to look- most dating sites are just hookup apps where you just swipe on faces nowadays, and that's useless to me. Everyone I've ever developed a crush on organically has been one of taken, ace, or lesbian, and at this point I have to assume there's a causal factor and I'm not just unlucky. I think I'm going to have to move somewhere more densely populated to have any shot at finding a good fit.

Actually get that standing desk walk-while-working workflow set up and establish an exercise routine that I keep to for more than half the year

Not quite. I did keep to an exercise routine for exactly seven months, but I didn't get the walk-while-working thing worked out- I haven't found any under-desk ellipticals that aren't extremely precarious and awkward to use while focusing on something else, so I'm thinking I should look for a mini treadmill next instead.

Release a functional version of that Fire Emblem content authoring tool

Nope! That was way more work than I expected- or at least, I expected I'd be able to keep working on it on and off throughout the year, which didn't happen. I did make pretty good progress, though- I'd say it's like, half done?

Replace grody old kitchen sink that has weird white stuff growing out from inside the handle

Okay I did do this one. But that was basically just a matter of ordering a thing on Home Depot and calling a plumber, so like, not exactly an achievement, just something I knew I'd keep forgetting to do indefinitely unless I put it on the list.

Finish the games I’m still playing through from this post

Almost! Still haven't finished The Sekimeiya, though I did make it far enough that I think I've got some kind of idea of how that egg thing works and how things fit together, even if there's a lot of gaps in the specifics.

Find some new source of income reliable enough to pay the bills without making me work more than 20 hours a week. (I’m a programmer, this is hypothetically doable.) Freelancing/contract work maybe?

Sorta? I did quit the horrible company that bought my division, but I stayed on as a contractor for miscellaneous stuff (and insisted on writing the noncompete clause out of the contract in negotiations, which they agreed to), and went back to work for the old company at the same time. At $100/hour, I worked an average of ten hours a week... kinda. The first five months or so, I worked almost not at all, living off my savings and doing odd jobs for less than my monthly expenses. The rest of the year, various disasters occurred and I was working my ass off putting out fires, so I was basically working full-time for much less than a full-time salary. I wouldn't say I nailed the employment situation, but I did keep my head above water.

How Come I Fucked Up?

Four reasons.

First, and smallest- halfway through the year was when the fires started at work and I started having way more stress and way less time. It was hard to focus on anything when something new was breaking and I was on the hook for it for months at a time.

Secondly: two of my grandparents died this year. Not only was this a pretty severe emotional blow, because they were amazing people and it's stupid and unfair that this happened- it also meant lots of traveling, to funerals and family events. It chewed through my budget and necessitated spending more hours on work, and left me exhausted and strung out for several weeks.

Thirdly and fourthly: the Elden Ring DLC came out, and also I got addicted to Pokérogue. I put... a stupid amount of hours into these games. Like two or three hours a day for multiple months. All my productive energy was consumed first by work, and then by vegging out and playing video games due to a lack of willpower.

This was a colossal failure. Like, from July onwards, I got practically nothing done. Half a year of my life, up in smoke! This is not sustainable. I need to do something major to course-correct here.

I think one thing that'll probably be worthwhile is... having failed to find a romantic partner, I need to move in with someone. I can resist the temptation to sit around like a lump doing repetitive videogames as long as there is some witness to my squalor. I'm very comfortable living alone, but I have to fight the temptation to vanish into comfort and never complete any of my many missions. I gotta have a friend around who can see when I'm wasting time, and cares at least a little about whether I'm getting things done.

So current plan is I'm moving to Providence with Farn pretty soon? And I'm going to try to land a flexible full-time position with just one of these companies I'm working with, so I can have health insurance and don't need to worry about being in the red during slow months.

[bitethedevil]

Writer game!

What recurring themes/topics in your writing do you have?

TW: Talk of Abuse and Trauma

Also: beware of spoilers if you haven't yet read Living with The Devil You Know and want to.

I think in general there’s a big theme of trauma and abusive and toxic behavior in my writing. This is also why I prefer writing Dark!Raphael. It’s almost hard not to include those subjects with him, which might be why I’m enjoying writing him so much. I’ve directed plays in the past, and for some reason the major theme in those plays have always ended up being trauma.

It’s an interesting concept to explore I think, and perhaps also, on a more personal note, because I find it therapeutic to explore it through art. Also, before I keep yapping, I also just want to say that there is no wrong way to experience trauma, and that the things I write about are mainly from my own perspective and things I have learned about myself through dealing with my past and by talking to others with similar experiences (Nothing to worry about at all btw, I am better than I have ever been. Therapy is a godsend).

I try to make it as realistic as I can. Such as small things and reactions from my characters that I don’t blatantly point out is due to trauma, but it makes sense in that context.

My best example is Tav in ‘Living with The Devil You Know’ (Spoilers). She’s grown up with a cruel father who beat her, and it’s hinted at that he also verbally abused her. Her trauma presents itself both mentally and physically in the form of the burn scars on her face that she had chosen to hide for years.

Ironically, it’s Raphael who reveals them, even though he is the same kind of man as her father was. She shows it to him without knowing if he accepts her for it or he simply does it to ‘pour salt in the wound’, so to speak. Tav also learns that just ignoring her scars of the past, metaphorically and literally, does not mean that they have gone away.

On the other hand, she also continues the cycle of abuse in a way. She’s cold, selfish and overly practical at times towards other people, because that is how she has learned to survive. She begins to see herself as evil instead of trying to understand where it is all coming from, which I think unfortunately is very realistic for many survivors of abuse. It’s much easier to simply demonize oneself than to start dealing with the past and explore where those survival mechanisms are coming from.

I also think their relationship is depressingly representative of a lot of abusive and toxic relationships. I think that very few people figure out immediately that ‘Oh shit. My partner is cruel and abusive towards me, and they are actually not a good person’. It’s more ‘Oh they did manipulate me that one time, and they did do that other horrible thing too, but other times they are really nice and loving! They’re human too and makes mistakes!”.

Tav rationalizes the shit out of everything that man does A LOT. I love writing characters like that. With Tav specifically, her tragic flaw is that she has been abused in the past. She knows how it works. She is aware of what’s going on. And still: a part of her thinks she deserves it, because she sees herself as ‘evil’ too.

(Spoilerspoilerspoiler if you haven’t read the latest chapter. Though it is pretty obvious that it would happen eventually) Even after she is freed, as she has longed for, she goes right back to him, though she knows exactly what kind of person he is. Because the depressing truth about a lot of untreated trauma is that abuse and evil starts feeling safer and more like home, than a functional relationship ever could, because such a relationship is unknown.

I find Raphael interesting for many reasons, but the themes of abuse and toxicity are so interesting for me to work with when it comes to him, because it just makes sense. An abusive relationship with an abusive person on paper sounds horrible and one might not understand how those things even happen. Like why would a person ever “”accept”” being abused?

But then you see someone like Raphael, who we all know is an evil little shit, and we still love him. We still want to be with him, and we are still attracted to him. He has his redeeming qualities and it’s very possible that he has been through some shit himself, sure, but that’s the point: such is the case with most abusers. They don’t appear as monsters or devils (though Raphael quite literally does), they appear as nuanced human beings. Doesn’t make them less abusive or dangerous though.

I like writing about conflicted people who does things against their best interests, because they have been somehow wired or indirectly forced to do so. I like making my characters take decisions that are objectively ‘stupid’, but still make myself (and the reader, hopefully) think about if I really would have done much differently given the same circumstances?

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

(And thank you so much for letting me participate and giving the opportunity to yap about my writing <3<3)

[moonheavens]

Fanfiction Author Interview Game

thank you for the tag my dear @littleoldrachel! it's always such a pleasure to engage in these kinds of fandom games and you're one of my fave people to nosily read answers from...

I only started writing in 2023 and my pace of writing new stuff is glacial so there won't be that much to share (I am one of those people with thousands of words in unfinished snippets in my google docs but very few of that actually makes it to AO3), but without further ado, let's go...

questions under the break <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

3 at the moment!

What's your total AO3 word count?

121,546 words

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

I only have three, so I'll list them in that order:

in the centre of a circle my first long-form chaptered fic, and still the one I am most proud of. I truly, thoroughly enjoyed writing this and diving into Sirius's brain, and I think that really shines through.

tongue full of tomorrows my first-born! I wrote this quite quickly and feverishly and as a result it's pretty simplistic, but I still like it. it's a fluffy little thing I really enjoyed writing.

no thing defines a man like love that makes him soft it feels like I wrote this fic weeks ago, not almost half a year! I spent a lot of time trying to get this just right, but I'm really happy with how it came out. hurt/comfort is one of my favourite tropes and I had a blast taking a crack at it, extremely self-indulgently.

Do you respond to comments?

always, and embarrassingly quickly, too. it's so very special to receive a comment, whether it's a few words or a lengthy ramble, and I love engaging with people who liked what I wrote.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

none of my fics really have super angsty endings, but I think no thing defines a man is the angstiest one because it's canon compliant. as in, the fic ends semi-happily, but there's still a war looming above their heads, you know?

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

that would be in the centre of a circle! there's a big fat HEA tag on that fic, and I stuck to that promise—the boys are thriving (very gay and very in love).

Do you write crossovers?

assuming this means fics that straddle multiple fandoms? in which case, no

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no, actually. or well, I haven't seen any of it. I've been lucky enough to only receive positive comments and feedback.

Do you write smut?

yep. there is some smut in in the centre of a circle, and I have some WIPs floating around my drive that have smut, including a WIP that is... excessively filthy (casanova Remus, if anyone remembers me yapping about that one). like, it's explicit explicit. if that ever sees the light of day I might need to scrub my digital footprint, honestly.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as I know!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

officially, no. however, my bff/roommate and I have an abandoned WIP floating around the google drive (a 9-1-1 AU) that we co-wrote. we spent hours outlining it and assigning roles, re-watching the show, etc. it's only about 5 chapters before we abandoned it, but still! it was fun, and I'd be open to doing it again.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Wolfstar, of course, and I have unfortunately fallen down the Jayvik (from Arcane) rabbit hole...

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I don't have any WIPs running on AO3, if that's what the question is, but I have dozens on my drive. I think the 9-1-1 one will unfortunately stay there forever, simply because I don't think I'd want to write it without my friend (even though it was exciting). otherwise, I have made it a new year's resolution to actually try to finish and publish the two WIPs that have been hijacking my brain the most in 2025... so wish me luck!

What are your writing strengths?

see, now this is where you lose me. I've been a writer for as long as I can remember, and I have written fanfic for most of that time. despite that, I am an extremely self-deprecating writer and I suffer from a crippling case of perfectionism. is that silly? yes. do I love writing? yes. is being super critical of my work a blockade to doing what I love? also yes.

I love writing, but I struggle to see the forest for the trees, so to say, and pinpoint my own strengths. I get in my own way a lot. but, if I had to pick something, I think I'm good at writing emotions. but that would more so be because other people have told me so than because I actually believe it.

What are your writing weaknesses?

ah, so maybe I should have put the "my own worst enemy" spiel here, instead, haha. but yes. I have so many ideas, and I think in a general sense that my writing and ideas are pretty neat, it's just my own brain that sabotages me. one of my goals in 2025 is trying to actually finish something, instead of building a rolodex of random snippets and unfinished WIPs in my google drive. (as for actual writing, I think my weakness is over-describing things that could easily be said in one sentence instead of my five).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

love it, why not. I haven't done it myself (yet) but I adore the welsh-speaking Remus and french-speaking Sirius headcanon and enjoy reading it in fics. I recently read a great fic in which Remus spoke swahili and afrikaans. as long as there's translations in the end notes, make them speak anything you want!

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

there's some Marauders ships (dorlene, mostly) that I would love to include in future works but I want to be able to do them justice, so I'd need to find the proper place in one of my fics for them to get the development and attention they deserve and not just be there in the background for the plot, if that makes sense.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

in the centre of a circle. she's my baby, and I love her. I spent so many hours in cafe's scattered across London outlining and writing, removing and adding and editing and just being stuck in Sirius's head, and I really love the way it came out. you can see the difference in writing quality between chapter 1 and 7 a little too clearly, but I had so much fun writing it regardless of that. the original idea was just a little brainwave of what if? and it went somewhere entirely different (Sirius took the wheel) and it was exhilarating to roll with it.

* * *

TAGS: honestly, I don't really know who's already done this or not so forgive me if you have. also, if you want to do this but haven't been tagged, feel free to use me as your tagger. tagging @magicbeings @pretentiouswreckingball @kaaaaaaarf @pain-in-the-riri @euripidestrousers <3

[hoeneymilktea]

deciphered ✧ tooru oikawa chapter 17 | enigma's secret

Your cousin, Hajime Iwaizumi—whom you haven't seen in a long time, invited you to support him at the largest street racing event in Tokyo. He told you he was a part of the Seijoh Brawlers, one of the notorious top five gangs affiliated with the underground street racing scene. Once he introduced you to his leader, Tooru Oikawa, a.k.a. Cypher—your interest piqued, curiously wanting to understand the true meaning behind his alleged nickname.

✧ pairing — tooru oikawa / afab reader ✧ genre — erotica/smut, action romance, crime romance, dark romance (absolutely no dv/sa), psychological thriller, crime/detective mystery ✧ rating — very explicit, 18+ mdni ✧ chapter word count — 15.0k ✧ content warnings — violence, street racing, references to drugs, explicit sexual content, heavy angst. see below break for chapter specific warnings ↴

author's note — This fanfic is inspired by the beautiful and amazing fanart of Street Racer AU Tooru Oikawa. Artist is @aikk00. disclaimer — I do not condone the romanticization of the yakuza or the reality of gang life as I intended not to portray that kind of interpretation, nor promote the activity of illegal street racing. Do not seek out these types of experiences as this work is just a piece of fiction. Please remember to read at your own risk.

midnight streets ⇠ enigma's secret ⇢ black and blue

✧ chapter specific content warnings: minor character death, childhood abandonment

“I got five on it…”

Nagoya, Aichi Prefecture — Summer, fourteen years ago

The stench of rotting rubbish dispersed through the summer air, slowly trickling into the noses of the children kicking a ball to each other within the alleyway. Although they scrunched their eyebrows and pinched their noses; they continued their game nonetheless, running in circles with their open-toed sandals.

“Rin, I’m open here!” One of the boys called out to Suna, waving his arms over his head. He nodded and kicked the ball to the other kid’s direction, watching it maneuver through the grime and scour of the alleyway concrete.

At the time, Suna was only nine years old, living in one of the poorest neighborhoods of Nagoya. He resided primarily with his mother and younger sister, as his father was rarely home due to constant business trips. On the best occasion, he’d be home for about two days out of the whole month. Though, most of the time, he’d be gone for weeks on end, sometimes going months without coming home—yet, this didn’t bother Suna at all.

His mom mentioned it was because his father worked for a business all the way out in Osaka, so it was best for him to rent out a small space out in the city and come home from time to time. He used to visit more frequently when Suna was younger, but as the years progressed, his visits would become more sparse, dwindling by each one.

Suna’s mother worked as a caregiver at the local nursing home, which meant money was usually tight. It was hard to get by living paycheck to paycheck—and if she got sick, Suna would unfortunately have to skip out on some meals while they made sure his sister was well fed. Sometimes his dad would send back money to help out, but just like his visitations, the frequency of the checks sent over began to dwindle as well.

His younger sister was still a baby, so Suna ended up having to take care of her whenever his mother worked the late night shifts. Whenever he arrived home from school, she would pass her off to him before she went to work, which also meant he barely got to see his mom as well. Throughout all of the struggle, Suna still didn’t mind, as he thought his life was something normal to live through.

Suna rarely knew his father. He didn’t even know which company he worked for; only the fact he just worked for one. Sometimes he forgot what his father looked like, even though his mother would constantly remind him that he resembled his dad to a stark preciseness. Despite the absence of his father, Suna still admired him greatly to where one day, he aspired to be just like him.

His mother adored his father as she spoke very highly of him—constantly praising his adorned looks, his work ethic, and how lovingly he treated her. She mentioned they met at the nursing home she worked at, where she was the caregiver for his old, senile, and mute grand-uncle. Unfortunately, Suna’s great-grand-uncle passed away shortly after that, but his parents’ relationship continued to live on, and eventually they got married and had Suna soon thereafter. 

All was well from the memories he could recall, and for a long time, their lives were decently quiet. Although they lived in a shabby run-down apartment complex in the poorest district of Nagoya, young Suna was happy—and that’s all he needed, truly.

After a long day of playing outside with his friends, the sun turned bright orange on the horizon, slowly setting for the night. Suna said his goodbyes to the neighborhood kids and made his way back up the five flights of stairs to his apartment on the top floor, trotting up triumphantly with each step.

His maroon tank top was dirty from playing in the alleyway, and he knew his mom would get upset at him again for it. He tried his best to dust it off before entering through the door, but before he grabbed the handle, he heard a long, drawn out wail of anguish erupting from his mother on the other side.

Suna didn’t waste a second more before he swung open the door and saw his mother sobbing on the kitchen floor with her head buried deep into her palms. Her white cotton dress was drenched with the flood of tears spilling from her eyes. His baby sister stood up in her crib and was crying herself too, mostly likely stressed from their mother collapsing straight to the floor. The home phone was shattered on the kitchen tiles with a persistent dial tone still ringing, sitting next to his mother’s foot.

“Mom?!” Suna worried, quickly rushing to her without closing the apartment door. “Mom, what’s wrong? Did you hurt yourself?!”

He reached his arms out and grabbed his mother’s wet hands, taking them away from her face as she continued to sob violently. He looked straight into her eyes and realized the joy his mother would radiate, even on the worst of days—it was entirely drained out from body, leaving a vessel that was completely vapid and void of any soul or will to continue on.

Soon, Suna began to shed tears himself where he could feel the warmth of his cheeks beginning to erupt. He held tighter to his mother’s hands while her head dangled in misery. “Mom! What happened?!”

His mother went mute and ignored his further questions; only the sound of sorrow was to be heard throughout the apartment. Her cries were so loud that the old woman living next door scurried to their unit to check if everything was okay before promptly calling the ambulance. Suna was left in dismay, bursting into a rush of tears as his mother laid still against the kitchen cabinets while he was comforted by the old woman. Soon after, she was wheeled away to the back of the vehicle, her fate ultimately lying within the paramedics’ hands.

There was something viscerally disturbing about the way his mother was almost lifeless and unresponsive on the gurney to the ambulance. Behind that phone call must have been extremely disturbing for her to react that way, especially when she was usually so calm and collected with almost any experience in life. Suna was left that day with more questions that he could think of, wondering what happened during that phone call.

While his mother was in the hospital, the old woman next door took care of Suna and his baby sister for a few days. She made some mediocre food, but at least she gave him a package of jelly sticks he would sometimes share with his sister. It soon became his favorite snack, almost in a coping way that eased his ruminating mind.

After the third day of his mother’s rest in the hospital, Suna overheard the elderly woman talking on the phone while making dinner for them. He hid behind a small corner that was tucked behind the main entrance to the kitchen, slowly peeking his head out to hear the conversation.

“Can’t the police do anything?!” The elderly woman raised her voice while she neglected the pot of soup boiling over on the stove. She sighed in disbelief, pinching the bridge of her nose while holding the phone up to her ear.

The topic was about his father and how she was stressed at the fact he wasn’t the one taking care of his kids—all until she found out he disappeared straight out of the blue, abandoning his family. Suna didn’t know when this happened, but he assumed from the lack of calls, letters, and financial support coming in that this was something he had planned to gradually phase out of—ultimately abandoning his family without a trace. 

The old woman responded in a harsh tone to the person she was talking to, asking for clarification on the situation. “What do you mean by disappeared? His kids are still here! He can’t just abandon them like that!”

Suna choked back tears falling from his eyes, swallowing down whatever pride he had regarding the integrity of his father. It was the last thing he wanted to hear, hoping the phone call was about his father and that he would be on his way to take care of him and his sister—but unfortunately, it was the exact opposite. He refused to accept that his father, his one and only role model, the man he looked up to—abandoned and betrayed him.

After that day, Suna no longer felt the thread of connection to his father. On some days, the cuts could be felt again, slicing through the fabric of his trust.

Osaka Prefecture — Winter, four years ago

“Don’t even bother trying to contact him,” Suna’s mother scolded, wincing at the thought of her son wanting to see her estranged ex-husband, let alone desiring to reconcile their relationship after a decade of abandonment. “He’s nothing but a coward, a piece of shit. You know exactly what he did to our family, he betrayed all of us.”

Suna sighed while pushing a piece of grilled chicken on his plate with his chopsticks, resting his head upon his palm. He knew this would have been her reaction; and he was beginning to regret even asking for her help in the first place.

His mother, once beaming full of sunshine and radiant energy, was now filled with resentment and hatred for his father suddenly disappearing and abandoning his family. She had any right to be this way, but her disdain has lasted for a decade with the same passion of hate for him since day one. Suna would have thought already that she might have forgiven and forgotten the past, but unfortunately she was the type to hold strong grudges.

His sister was no different. She was only a baby when he left, which only made her become estranged from him as well. Suna was sure she didn’t even remember what their father looked like as he’s never once tried to visit the both of them in the decade he had been absent. While being raised only by Suna’s mother, by default, she had no interest in forming a relationship with him either.

Though Suna on the other hand had different intentions. He planned to see his father once more, wishing to rekindle their relationship. To his mother and sister, his desire seemed out of place, especially after what he did to them—but despite their opposition, Suna was now an adult that could make his own decisions.

 After all these years, he still had no way of contacting him. His mother refused to help, proclaiming over and over that it would be a huge mistake he would be making bringing that man back into his life. Regardless of her opinions, she genuinely could not help in regards to where one could find the man; she was just as clueless as he was.

Though, there was only one piece of evidence Suna could rely upon—each year, close to the end of January, a check for one million yen always arrived at their residence. His mother never knew who sent them, and even tried to ask the bank if it was a counterfeit. Yet, the checks never bounced back, and each year, she deposited them accordingly.

She tried calling the place that sent them, asking why they were giving her money and if it was truly meant for her—for three consecutive years, they gave her the same answer: it was a proxy service that didn’t disclose their clients. After that, she stopped calling and accepted the checks whenever they came; she usually took Suna and his sister out to eat at a nice place for his birthday.

Once Suna was old enough to know what was going on, he had a suspicion it was coming from his father. Although the checks were nowhere near the amount to financially sustain two kids for the whole year, it was still enough evidence to assume it was child support. Suna did a little bit of research and found the amount on the check was just a little over the required amount needed to financially support two children for a full year in Japan. Granted, it was the national minimum, but nonetheless, the numbers added up.

On Suna’s 19th birthday, right before his mother deposited the check, he made sure to write down the name of the proxy service that was sending his family the money. It went by the name of Schweiden Adlers Inc, a seemingly foreign-operated proxy for Japanese businesses. Its headquarters were out in Tokyo, which was a long way from Nagoya—nonetheless, Suna was going out on a journey to investigate.

While on the phone with the proxy company, he was told to meet with a man named Utsui; nothing more than just a last name, presumably. During their phone call, Utsui was frequently dismissing Suna’s inquiry about the source of where the money was being sent from, almost like he didn’t want someone near him to hear their conversation. All he told Suna was to meet him at the Scheiden Adlers Inc building where his office was located, and he promised he would help him.

Suna wasn’t sure why he wanted to reconcile his relationship with his father. In fact, he understood why his mother and sister wouldn’t want to, but there was something urging him to reach out. He told his family it was for money reasons, or for him to get business or networking connections, but deep down, he didn’t want to admit he still wanted to have a father figure around in his life. He missed his father deeply, hoping by some miracle he would say the same about him. Why else would he still be sending money to support them?

Suna tried to keep it cool, especially around the mention of his father by other people—but on occasion, he cried himself to sleep at the thought of not having him around anymore. His father left at such a critical age for Suna where his presence had already made a lasting influence on his attachment and abandonment issues. Yet, despite the many reasons he has to hate his father, there wasn’t much to persuade him otherwise. He still believed there could be a relationship between them, and Suna would rather die trying than to never have tried at all.

Much to his mother’s warning and pleading, Suna packed his bags and took a trip to find out more information about his father out in Tokyo. It was a risk he was willing to take in order to have his father back into his life again.

He attended the first bullet train of the day a week after his birthday, promptly departing the Nagoya train station around five in the morning. He left a note to his mother and sister, letting them know he would be in Tokyo for the week and will return back, asking them what souvenirs or special items they would like for him to bring for them. Suna placed it on the kitchen table and quietly left the quaint apartment that he had always grown up in since birth.

The bullet train took no more than two hours to travel from Nagoya station to Tokyo station, arriving in the big city around seven in the morning. It was a pleasant experience for Suna, as he never once traveled outside of Nagoya before. A blend of  excitement and anxiousness washed over him, overwhelmed by the busy and bustling city of Tokyo.

The moment he stepped off the bullet train, he was already being pushed by several business men heading to work for the day. He stumbled off the platform, dropping his bags in the process while a swarm of people boarded the next ride. Suna dusted off his pants and picked up his bags, expecting this sort of behavior from subway users, not those taking the bullet train. Perhaps the people living in Tokyo were just behaviorally different from the rest of Japan.

Suna took a taxi to the outskirts of southern Shinjuku where the Schweiden Adlers Inc building was located. He had an “appointment” with Utsui around eight in the morning, hoping he wouldn’t arrive late to their meeting. Suna arrived just ten minutes before, rushing in with two duffel bags into a white and pristine office lobby.

The two women behind the desk were startled by his grand entrance, watching a teenaged Suna panting heavily from running a few blocks away where the taxi dropped him off, afraid he’d miss his appointment if he was left to sit in the morning Tokyo traffic. He placed his bags on one of the waiting chairs and placed his hand on his chest, trying his best to catch his breath. The women were eyeing his every movement, wondering why someone as young as Suna was in the lobby of the proxy company, deviating from the demographic of their usual clients.

He soon walked up to the front desk, placing his hands on top of the counter before mustering up the courage to speak. “Uh, I have an appointment at eight with Utsui?” 

“Your name?” One of the women asked with a snarky attitude, typing away at her computer while the other sat in the other chair, filing her nails away.

“Last name, Suna; first name, Rintarou,” he responded clearly, curling his fingers toward his palms. He shifted his mouth to the side while gulping down any nervousness he experienced, hoping they would tell him right away where to go.

“He’ll be out to get you soon. Have a seat in the waiting area.” The woman responded with a smile on her face in a condescending tone, shooing him away from the front desk.

Suna gritted his teeth and swallowed his pride, walking back over to his items on the chairs before he plopped himself down, heaving out a very heavy sigh. He didn’t understand Tokyo manners, let alone the manners of anywhere but Nagoya. All he did was place his hands in his jacket pockets, waiting for the appointment to start.

Sooner or later, a deep voice called out his name into the empty waiting room, shattering the silence. Suna lifted his eyes up to find a mid-sized man no taller than him peek out from behind the office doors, waving his hand up in the air at him. “Suna Rintarou?”

Suna took a pause before scurrying to collect his things off the waiting chairs next to him and proceeded to bolt straight to him, lugging his things over his shoulder. The man he believed to be Utsui shook his hand, greeted him promptly, and opened the door into the main office.

Once inside, Utsui led him through rows and rows of cubicles, filled with business men looking exactly like him, typing away at their computers with hunched backs. Suna observed their behaviors, watching them all in synchronized motions like robots in a manufacturing plant. It was oddly eerie to him, but nonetheless he followed Utsui to the back of the office.

He stopped in front of an empty cubicle, heading inside to pull out the chair for Suna to sit in. As soon as the both of them settled down in their respective chairs, Utsui cleared his throat and smiled brightly at Suna. “Hiya, Rintarou. I didn’t properly introduce myself—I’m Takashi Utsui, senior supervisor for the proxy affairs department.”

Suna reached out and shook his hand, nodding in place. “Hi, Mr. Utsui. I’m Rintarou Suna, the one who called a while ago.”

“Yes, yes!” Utsui clapped, turning to his computer before logging into his work account. “The one from Nagoya! Thank you for meeting me. I hope your journey here wasn’t too long, and that Tokyo welcomed you with good spirits.”

Suna shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest before leaning back into his seat. “Eh, it wasn’t too bad. Tokyo’s very different from Nagoya though.”

Utsui nodded his head along Suna’s response, typing away at his computer like the other businessmen he observed earlier. He sat upright on his chair at the edge of the seat, typing continuously at his desk, seemingly writing up a report before focusing his attention back on Suna. Right as he was done, he sighed and reclined back into his chair, swiveling himself towards Suna with an entirely changed aura.

“Alright…” Utsui’s voice became soft rather than upbeat and cheerful from earlier; his facial expression dropping to an almost austere demeanor. He propped his elbows up on his desk and folded his hands, resting his chin on his fingers. “...we cannot talk too loudly now.”

Suna’s eyes widened, wondering why there was a change in behavior from him. “How come?”

“One of the reasons why I did not want to talk about your inquiry through the phone is the fact that all calls are recorded here at Schweiden Adlers,” Utsui began, leaning his head closer to Suna, finally whispering his final words. “...and what I’m about to disclose to you is extremely illegal.”

Suna froze in place, trying to comprehend exactly what Utsui just said. Illegal? Why? All he wanted was to know who kept sending the checks to his family—and to confirm if it was really from his father. Despite the confusion, Suna nodded his head in agreement, hoping Utsui would elaborate further.

“So, I could potentially lose my job by telling you this information,” Utsui started off, cracking his knuckles in the process. “But, I’ve had enough. I’m tired of hiding the truth.”

Suna’s curiosity piqued. “Please, go on…”

For the next hour, Utsui went on to reveal that Schweiden Adlers Incorporated was a loan and proxy business for government agency affairs, mainly dealing with officials that prefer to cover up where money was being sourced and sent from. Particularly, one of their biggest clients were men employed by the Public Security Intelligence Agency sending out their required child support for the families they’ve created and abandoned while on missions.

Unfortunately for Suna, he was part of the many families personally victimized by these undercover agents on missions. Utsui explained that he used to be employed by the PSIA and also created a false family of his own, ultimately being forced to abandon the children he raised once the mission was over. His regret was so burdening on his conscience that he quit his high-paying position at the Intelligence Agency to rekindle with his children again, one of which he mentioned was around the same age as Suna.

Tears began to stream down his face once he began to connect the dots. That was the reason why his father left months at a time very frequently while he grew up—that was the reason why he traveled so far for work to places all over Japan. Suna was baffled to know there was actually a reason as to why his father’s abandonment was so out of the blue, seemingly coming from nowhere.

This sort of information was hard to process, knowing his father had been forced to reject him and his family—but somehow, he still believed there was a way for a rekindling. In fact, he assumed there was still a possibility due to the fact Utsui was able to do so with his own children. Perhaps his father wasn’t able to reach out all these years because he was forced to, not because he didn’t want to.

To Suna, there was still hope.

“This is the reason why I wanted to provide you with this classified information… I would have wanted the same for my kids if they ever wanted to reach out.” Utsui comforted, trying his best to console the young man through the difficult news.

“I don’t understand,” Suna whispered, weeping through his words. “So, what you’re saying is that my dad is an undercover agent?”

“Yes,” Utsui nodded, swiveling his chair towards the back of his cubicle drawers. Out of the blue, he unlocked one of his file cabinets and revealed a small laptop and began typing intensely on the keyboard. “I’m not letting you leave without knowing where to find your father. Anyone in the PSIA is hard to contact without an invitation from the inside, but luckily for you, I’m here to help.”

Within that moment, Utsui provided Suna with a file filled with details about his father’s occupation, home address, and phone number—all confidential information behind the business affairs agreement between Schweiden Adlers Inc and the PSIA. He pulled up the proxy information relevant for him to find his father, hopefully giving him the tools to reconcile their relationship.

Once Utsui printed out all the files, Suna carefully opened the folder to reveal paragraphs of information—most of which was describing user agreement details written by the proxy party, but upon further inspection, the papers revealed much more than what Utsui promised. When Suna flipped to the third page of the document, his stomach dropped.

There on the top right held the picture portrait of his father, just as he remembered him. He had light skin and thin sage green eyes just like Suna, coupled with a short slick-back haircut, reminiscent of a military high and tight cut. He looked exactly like an older version of Suna with shorter hair; the same smug smile on the left side of his face.

All his life, Suna thought his father’s name was Daisuke Suna, obviously taking on his father’s last name—though the registered name on his file was not recognizable in the slightest. Written at the top left of the page was the name ‘Kenji Yamasaki’, born August 29th, 1972. Below was his current address and phone number, along with detailed statements of all the child support payments out from his linked PSIA paychecks.

What fully confirmed this man was truly his father was the addressed recipient of the child support—Hinari Sato, Suna’s mother. Below her name was the address of their apartment, along with the names of her two children, Rintarou and Chiyo Suna.

Suna’s hands began to tremble while holding the folder, rereading his father’s real name over and over again until his vision was blurred with tears. Processing all of this information at once was borderline unbearable, trying his hardest to withhold the urge to break down right then and there at Utsui’s cubicle. He closed the file before reading any further, placing it gently onto the desk.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot to take in all at once,” Utsui reached out over the desk and placed his hand on Suna’s shoulder while he trembled in his seat, resisting more tears from streaming down his face. “But you’re not going to get it easier any other way.”

Utsui mentioned he was a retired TMPD officer before he began working for Sweiden Adlers Inc. He mentioned to call his former department deputy—Tanji Washijou, if he was ever interested in a career working for the city police, and to mention Utsui sent him. Suna said he would keep his offer in mind since he wasn’t sure what to do with his career path, but otherwise he left Schweiden Adlers Inc that day with a heavy heart.

Suna spent the rest of his day sitting in the room of his cheap hostel, sitting atop his simple futon mattress on the floor, staring intensely at the rest of his father’s file encompassed within the darkness. He researched further into his father’s profile, discovering much more than he expected.

His father’s address was not far from the hostel he was staying at, so he planned to visit soon while still in Tokyo. He lived in the small family neighborhood of Naritahigashi within Suginami City, a town over from the edge of Shinjuku. It was only a subway ride away from the north end of Shibuya, so Suna sought out the next morning to head over.

With his father’s address put into his GPS, Suna made the quick journey over to the neighborhood of Naritahigashi. It was around the afternoon on a Saturday, hoping he would be home to answer. Suna fiddled with his hands in his pockets the whole subway ride there, anxious about finally meeting his father again in over ten years.

He walked the rest of the way there, taking in the experience of exploring through a suburban Tokyo neighborhood. Compared to the poorest parts of Nagoya, Tokyo was absolutely sterile—not a single piece of litter was to be seen. The flora was blooming on the sides of houses while the streets were kept clean and smooth for residential use. Everything was maintained accordingly—even the families walking and biking along the sidewalks.

Soon, Suna reached the house designated to the address he had on file. There was a car parked on the side of the entrance, indicating there was at least someone home. It was two stories high on the corner of the street, built with white clay and cement on the exterior. Unfortunately, there weren’t any family name plates on the outside of the house, only the house number. 

Suna hesitantly walked up to the front entrance, stopping in place at the porch. He took one deep breath before lifting his arm up, knocking three times on the door loud and clear. Suna took two steps back, anxiously waiting for someone to answer.

All of a sudden, Suna heard small footsteps approaching the front entrance—it sounded like a quiet pitter-patter of feet running across the hardwood floor. Once the door unlocked, a small boy no older than four years old wearing bright blue overalls peeked his head out to look up at him. They locked eyes for a moment with Suna noticing the boy also had the same brown hair and light green colored eyes as him and his father.

“Who are you?” The boy articulated in a high-pitched voice, squinting his eyes up at Suna. He held a fox plush toy tightly in his hands, wrapping his arm around the neck while leaving the body dangling on the floor. “Why do you look like my daddy? Are you my uncle?”

Suna was left agape, utterly shocked at the small child answering the door to this house. Other than the obvious questions about where his guardians are, Suna primarily wondered why this boy looked eerily similar to him and his sister. He shared the same general facial features—the same eye color, eye shape, eyebrows—even the same nose. This kid was basically a carbon copy of him.

Amidst the confusion, a woman suddenly popped out behind the child, scooping him up in her arms. She had a worried look on her face while she scolded the boy, mumbling to him that he shouldn’t be opening doors to strangers and to let the adults answer next time.

The woman turned to Suna with a sheepish smile on her face, bowing her head down to him. “My deepest apologies for my son, I told him to wait for me to answer the door.”

Suna surrendered his hands up, shaking them anxiously while he told the woman it wasn’t a problem for him. “Oh that’s okay, ma’am. Your son wasn’t causing much trouble for me.”

The woman smiled while keeping the boy sitting at her hip, quietly sucking his thumb with the fox plushie tight around his arm. “What brings you here?”

“I’m actually looking for my dad, Kenji Yamasaki,” Suna replied while taking out his phone, looking at the address from his father’s file. “It said he lives here at this address.”

“Hmm, that name doesn’t sound familiar…” the woman pondered, placing her free hand on her chin. “No one named Yamasaki lives here.”

Suna’s heart felt like it sank into his stomach, causing him to suddenly forget how to breathe. Sweat quickly accumulated on his forehead under the pressure of the woman’s blank stare before he gulped down the nervousness he felt, hesitating to respond. “Well, I was told he lived here at this address, so I’m not sure.”

“Maybe he was a previous tenant?” The woman looked up at the ceiling and furrowed her eyebrows while readjusting the small boy attached to her hip, sheepishly smiling back at Suna. “My husband and I just bought this house from a realtor not too long ago, so perhaps your dad forgot to give you his updated address?”

Suddenly, a deep male voice interrupted from a distance behind the woman with heavy footsteps approaching the front door. “Who’s out here, honey?”

A male figure appeared behind the woman, resting his hand on her shoulder. As Suna lifted his gaze to meet the man’s eyes, an overwhelming sensation of dread gripped him, almost nauseating at the initial sight. For the first time in over a decade, he stood in front of the man who was no other than his father.

He looked the same as what Suna remembered all those years ago—trimmed facial hair, a shaggy haircut, the same thin light green eyes. It’s almost as if he didn’t age a decade at all. Compared to Suna, his father looked frozen in time, emulating the same quirky businessman he knew back as a child. His father locked eyes with him, knowing exactly who Suna was at first glance as well.

The woman’s demeanor changed entirely once his father entered the conversation. Her body language became more relaxed, along with her face forming a content smile. She greeted him quietly and gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning to face Suna, addressing the concerns with his visit. “Oh, just this young man looking for his dad. Do you know of a guy named Kenji Yamasaki?”

Suna’s father did not break eye contact with him, slightly furrowing his eyebrows. With no hesitation to deny his real identity, Kenji gulped and shook his head. “No, I don’t. Doesn’t sound familiar.”

The woman, whom Suna assumed was his father’s new wife, noticed the intense gaze between the both of them. The tension was noticeable enough for her to interject; looking behind her shoulder at her husband and then back at Suna with an inquisitive expression. “Do you two know each other?”

“No, we don’t.” Suna instantly responded, understanding the implications of his father’s new social identity under the guise of an operation where he’ll inevitably ruin another family yet again. 

He stared at the small boy sucking his thumb in his mouth, knowing the same fate will happen to him sooner or later. The thought of having the kid experience the same abandonment and heartbreak as he did made Suna tighten the grip on his hands, wincing at the pain of his fingernails digging deep into his palms. While staring straight into the eyes of the child’s innocence, he saw nothing but a younger version of himself, hopeless and afraid.

“I must have the wrong address, I apologize for intruding.”

He immediately turned around and ran off, quickly walking away from the family home. Without looking back, he placed his hands firmly into the pockets of his jacket and walked down the street of the neighborhood, silent tears streaming down his face.

Suna sat in his hostel encompassed in complete darkness for the rest of the day. He laid on the small futon, trying to make sense of the emotions he was experiencing. Throughout his childhood, he didn’t understand what emotional regulation was, and because he was left to be the “man of the house” after his father left, he didn’t allow himself to show any vulnerability. A lot of his emotions became buried and bottled up, never knowing when it would explode and spill over.

That night was one of those times. 

There were clear signs that he was at maximum capacity of holding everything in with tears slipping out over and over again within the past week. Suna wasn’t sure how to control the amount of emotional turbulence that came with the trauma, nonetheless even knowing how to let go and make peace with it. He didn’t address the underlying wounds following his father’s departure, opting instead to ignore the pleas for healing his body ached for.

Unfortunately, he was simply unaware of how much emotional baggage would come with trying to rekindle a relationship with his father, taking on more than he could actually handle.

Suna’s headache was made unbearable through the tremors of his right temple, feeling as though his skull itself were about to rupture. Submerged in darkness for the whole day with the blinds closed made the night feel much longer than it actually was. A constant stream of tears left him dehydrated, exasperating his headache, compounding through his empty stomach. After rotting on the futon all day, Suna checked his phone for the time—23:52, or 11:52PM.

A rumbled groan left through the slits of his teeth, rolling his eyes to the back of his head before rubbing his face haphazardly, forcing himself to stay awake. He knew he had to get a meal within his system, so he slowly arose from the floor, slipped his hooded jacket on, and ventured out on a nightly mission. With his keys, cell phone, and some cash crumpled up in his pocket, he wandered out into the bustling streets of Shinjuku.

He searched for a twenty-four-hour convenience store—and luckily within a mile, there was a stretch of a few different ones in a single block. Suna chose the closest one to him; a family-owned mart with a teenage boy doing cram school homework at the front register. 

He entered in like usual, responding back to the teenager’s greeting and heading straight to the hot food section with small meals paired with rice. He scanned through the selection of onigiri, fried vegetables, and egg salad sandwich options, but nothing was really suiting his appetite. He squinted and sighed, hoping if he kept walking further, he would encounter a restaurant selling cheap eats. However, Suna only brought a couple hundred yen in his pocket, enough for a small meal and drink at the convenience store.

After browsing the hot food section, Suna decided to grab his drink first, heading over to the refrigerators near the back. The selection was open without doors, making it easier for him to view the drinks and their prices. Once his eyes carefully scanned through the rows and rows of drink varieties, he settled for the last bottle of melon soda.

Just as he reached for it, a weathered hand lept from outside the corner of his hood, converging upon the same drink but colliding with his. He was unaware of the other person approaching behind him. Suna glanced at the individual, briefly observing his face, only to realize the man snatched the bottle before he could.

“Hey, I wanted that first—,” just as he spoke up, he glanced one more time at the man’s face, realizing he recognized exactly who he was. With his eyes almost swelling with tears, Suna choked in the middle of his sentence, rendered with confusion.

“Dad?”

“Rintarou?”

Suna didn’t intend to eat out at a restaurant that night, nor did he account for ever seeing his dad ever again after what happened earlier that morning. Yet, there he was, eating a hefty bowl of noodles at a ramen house in the middle of the Chuo Ward, sitting directly in front of his father. 

The place was tucked in the middle of an alley in the heart of the city, primarily lit up by a red neon sign on the outside of the windows. Suna and his dad sat close to the windows, looking out to the bridge right above the restaurant, watching the cars pass by. He looked back at his father, Kenji, slurping up the fresh noodles from the edge of his bowl before looking down at his own meal, pushing around the toppings amongst the soup.

Kenji pulled away from his bowl and exhaled a breath of satisfaction, closing his eyes and nodding his head. “This is one of my favorite places in Tokyo. They serve damn good ramen.”

“Yeah, it’s really good.” Suna rested his left elbow on the table, resting his head upon his hand while looking out the window again at the cars on the bridge. He pushed around the toppings in his soup with his chopsticks, thinking about how unusual it was to be here with his father. 

If you had asked him earlier within the trip, spending quality time with his dad was the ideal expectation. Although it was what he wanted, it felt forced, only happening by coincidence. What happened earlier that morning spoiled the fun out of any idealized moments he was thinking of spending with his father.

Though Suna couldn’t help but be grateful for the coincidence, knowing he should’ve felt elated for reconnecting with his father even if it wasn’t to his original expectations. He knew his nine-year-old self would have killed for another meal with his dad, so he made sure to at least savor the scarce moments he was given.

“You might be wondering why my current wife doesn’t know my real name,” Kenji began, lowering the bowl of soup from his lips. “I guess it’s about time I’ve told you the truth.”

“No, I get it. You’re on your current mission,” Suna interrupted, bringing up his chopsticks to slurp up his own noodles. With his mouth full, he pointed the chopsticks to Kenji, waving them around in a circle. “What’s your new alias?”

“Makoto Hattori,” Kenji hesitantly responded, raising an eyebrow up at Suna. “Wait a minute, how’d ya know I’m on a mission anyways?”

“The same reason as to how I got your address,” Suna responded with a smug face, slurping up another taste of his noodles. “I got intel from the proxy you send child support from.”

With much surprise, Kenji’s face began to turn red while cursing under his breath, fumbling on the words he was going to say. Through his teeth, he leaned his body forward and whispered loudly over the table. “Fucking hell, that shit’s confidential, who the hell told you all this?”

“I ain’t saying a thing,” Suna shook his head while crossing his arms, leaning back on his chair. “Snitches get stitches.”

Kenji scoffed, folding his own arms over his chest. “Okay, fine. But let me explain myself, at least. There’s more to the story.”

Suna’s father began to share what his life was like after separating from the family, letting him know it wasn’t fully his choice to leave. In fact, his original mission ended way before Suna was even born, but he begged the PSIA to assign other tasks around Nagoya and the Kansai region. That was primarily the reason why he was always out on “business trips” to Osaka, building a whole operation against the largest Yakuza clan in Southern Japan, the Kitagawa Daichii.

Though unfortunately, the PSIA finally moved him to Tokyo, where his mission was now redirected to focus on the largest Yakuza clan within Japan, running the streets of the entire city: the Sakanoshita clan. His new mission at the time was to take down the main boss, but now they’ve recently focused on a new target.

Kenji comforted Suna, explaining that leaving him and his family wasn't a personal decision but a commitment to serve the country for the well-being of its citizens. Kenji even revealed that Suna was, in fact, his eldest son—and that he, his mom, and sister held a special place in his heart as the first family he had ever established. Unfortunately, the man Suna once knew all those years ago did not exist anymore, as Daisuke Suna was only a guise Kenji had to put on in order to protect them from the dangers of his career.

It was a lot for Suna to take in all at once, knowing the intricate details of who Kenji truly was and the main reason for his departure early on. The idealized image Suna had built of his father from an early age started to slowly fade away the more and more he learned about him. It was bittersweet in a way, knowing the truth had finally helped him seek the closure he needed, but that meant he had to let go of his past—he had to let go of the little boy he once knew, and the man he once admired.

The following conversations included everything that had happened to Suna for the past ten years, catching his father up on what was going on within his life. Suna mentioned his past hobbies he’s picked up, past achievements he’s accomplished, and even the past relationships he’s had with ex-girlfriends. Kenji listened engagingly to his stories like it was prime television, reacting positively to the highs and mourning the lows.

Suna chuckled every time his dad was dramatically reacting, adding his own commentary in between stories. It was a heartwarming moment shared between father and son, something Suna had been wanting to happen for so long. 

At this point in time, it was well past two in the morning and they’ve already finished their food, leaving behind two bowls emptied clean. Kenji paid for both of their meals, sending compliments to the chef when the owner came and gave them the bill, leaving them to chat the rest of the night away.

“How’s your mom and sister?” Kenji asked, sighing softly to himself as the owner of the restaurant collected their stacked bowls off the table. “Are they doing alright?”

“Yeah, they’re alright,” Suna chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “They hate you like always.”

“I figured.” Kenji rested both of his elbows on the table, sighing solemnly to himself. He let out a sheepish smile, locking eyes with Suna. “I see you don’t, though. Otherwise you wouldn’t have visited me.”

Suna folded his hands on his lap, continuing to lean back in his chair on its hind legs. He looked out into the city at night, observing the lights in the distance without looking over at his dad. “I decided to visit because I want you to be a part of my life again.”

Silence arose between the steady flow of conversation. Suna looked over at his father, watching him stare at his blurred reflection within the shine of the oak table. “Rintarou… you know I can’t.”

Suna held a grip on his hand, matching the tightness of his bite. “Why not?”

Kenji took a momentary pause, still looking down at his reflection, hesitant to say his answer. “You know exactly why I can’t be in your life again as a father.”

Another silence fell between them, pushing ever further their hopes of reconciliation. Any remaining had already departed, leaving behind the failure Suna had anticipated from the beginning. Their eyes slowly met with a morose linger—one suffering in guilt, the other in abandonment.

“I’m here with a new family, my mission down in Nagoya is over.” Kenji clarified, making sure to be openly transparent with his eldest son about his current situation. “The man you once knew as Daisuke Suna—he doesn’t exist anymore.” 

Suna clenched his fists within his pockets while grinding the back of his teeth, keeping his lips shut. His mind raced with copious amounts of heinous responses, but ultimately stopped himself from impulsive reactionary insults that he otherwise would have regretted later. Instead, he nodded his head and decidedly went with a response he deemed the most mature to say.

“I understand.”

Kenji released a heavy sigh he was holding in, relieved to hear his son understood his circumstances. Suna kept his head low, staring down at the laces of his shoes. He watched Kenji’s feet move away from him, scooting his chair out and standing up from his seat, all from the view beneath the table.

Just as Suna lifted his head, his father reached into his pockets, rummaging around for his carton of cigarettes. He tore open a fresh box—presumably from the convenience store—and placed an unlit cigarette in between his lips. He let it hang in the corner of his mouth before resting his hand along the handle of the front door near their table, looking back at Suna one more time.

Kenji sighed while gazing at Suna’s desolate state, muffling out his farewells. “It was nice catching up, kiddo. But unfortunately, we can’t do this again.”

With one foot out the door, Kenji waved goodbye to his eldest son, never knowing when—or even if he would be able to see him again. Impulsively, Suna quickly stood up in his seat, shouting for his father’s attention before he fully exited the restaurant.

“Wait!”

Kenji stopped in place with his unlit cigarette in one hand and an open zippo lighter in the other, turning his attention back to his son. In a final attempt to reconcile with his father, Suna clutched his hands and dug into his pocket, pulling out the list of who to contact in case he wanted a career within the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department, all curated by Utsui back at Schweiden Adlers Inc. It also listed prominent admins of the PSIA, which happen to be some of Kenji’s bosses.

“What if I work for the TMPD?” Suna breathed out, his hands shaking from holding the paper.

Kenji gazed at Suna for a moment, looking deep into his light green eyes—it was the same ones his own father gave him, and soon he passed them onto Suna. For that brief moment, Kenji saw a younger version of himself in his own son through the windows of his pupils, twenty five years younger, just a couple of years before Suna was born. He had just got his job within the TMPD, starting as a regional undercover detective. Soon after, he was then promoted to a similar position at the PSIA, continuing his undercover missions for the next few decades.

Kenji never imagined his own son would have the potential to become his protégé, but the vision he just witnessed a moment ago changed the trajectory of not only his life, but Suna’s as well.

With his body halfway out the front door of the restaurant, Kenji placed the lighter’s flame up to the end of his cigarette, huffing in a puff of smoke, finally exhaling it out into the open night air while disregarding the prohibition of smoking sign within the restaurant. He cracked a smile and closed his eyes, winking towards his eldest son.

“...how about working for the PSIA instead?”

Tokyo — Early Spring, three years ago

Throughout the next year, Suna redirected the trajectory of his life and decided to train under the joint operation of the TMPD and PSIA. Much to his mother’s demise, he packed up his things and moved from the apartment building in Nagoya where he’d lived all his life to a designated dormitory meant to house new agent trainees in the PSIA within the matter of a few weeks. 

Most of his life Suna had lived in comfort, but transitioning so quickly to a brand new city left him in a whiplash—everything about Tokyo was completely different from Nagoya. Sharing a dorm room with three other trainees was something he hadn’t experienced before and it left Suna feeling incompetent. The others in his cohort had histories within the military, police, and judicial government—yet, Suna’s lack of education and inexperience within the workforce deemed him the black sheep of his class.

In fact, most of his fellow trainees resented Suna for landing a highly sought-after agent position due to complete nepotism—they teasingly called him “Nepo Boy” for short, all due to the fact he was offered a position within the PSIA without any formal qualifications other than being the son of the Chief Commander. Because of this resentment, Suna was subjected to a lot of bullying within his first few weeks of training. It got to the point where he was starting to regret ever coming to Tokyo, but fortunately in a matter of months, Suna began to quickly earn the respect of his cohorts. 

Despite having absolutely no educational or physical training experience, Suna placed first in every assessment in the program. Although in the beginning it was an obvious struggle, he became the first person to pass every assessment with flying colors ever since 1995 back during his own Father’s training days. Suna became the top achiever of the physical training program, succeeding him from a bullying victim to the envy of his class by end of the year.

By the coming of summer, the PSIA new agent training program had commenced. Suna graduated top of his class, which soon privileged him to serve under an operation of his choice. Without any hesitation, he chose the upcoming mission led by his father that was previously put on a cold case a few years prior.

This particular mission was initiated by Suna’s father, Kenji, and his commander in charge at the time. They were focusing predominantly on the demolition of the Osaka dominated yakuza clan, the Kitagawa Daichii. Their goal was to take down the entire organization, first starting with their Trans-Pacific Trade Operations leader—he was the one to take down first, as he was the strongest on their defense line—he was also considered the most wanted criminal by the PSIA due to his power and connections amongst other clans.

Although, what mainly caused their mission to be placed on an indefinite hiatus in the first place was the clan had been subjected to internal conflict that resulted in the death of the clan’s trade operations leader. Because of that, the clan crumbled from within, leading to immediate arrests and the ultimate demise of the Kitagawa Daichii. By the end of the cold case, the clan reduced, leaving only a scatter of loyal members to fend for themselves.

For years, the PSIA was made to believe that the same Trans-Pacific Trade Operations leader was dead for years, up until recently where a tip was given from the TMPD regarding suspicious import activity from the Tokyo Freight Harbor. Upon agent inspection, it was no other than the same guy running the business again, just under a new employer, the Sakanoshita clan. Luckily for the PSIA, there was already a long standing  history with the Sakanoshita clan regarding the multiple targets amongst the family and yakuza members.

Soon, Kenji was sent from Osaka to Tokyo to join the operation set to take down the Sakanoshita clan, slowly but surely gathering intel and waiting for the right moment to strike. Fortunately, half way through the operation—Mr. Sakanoshita, head of the Sakanoshita clan, unexpectedly passed away. From intel, his death was caused by inner turmoil within the immediate family, which ultimately decreased the amount of work the PSIA had to do for the mission.

During the first reconciliation meeting regarding the merge between the two operation units, Suna sat in the back of the table compared to the other high-profile agents sitting near the front. Amongst the others in the meeting room, Kenji stood at the front near the projector screen, co-leading the mission with the lead detective of the TMPD, Mr. Tanji Washijou.

“Let’s commence the meeting,” Kenji announced, gathering the attention of the dozens of agents within the room. “Let’s go over why we decided to merge two cold-case missions.”

Kenji cleared his throat and rested his left hand in the crook of his bulletproof vest, starting the slideshow up on the screen. Detective Washijou took a seat near the front, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest.

“A little over three years ago, I was part of a mission down in Osaka led by Officer Aaron Murphy from the CIA to capture our main target working under the Kitagawa Daichii clan that was smuggling over a billion pounds of contraband drugs across to the United States from all major ports within Asia. We were unable to capture him during the time, though there was a rumor circulating from our intel that he was found dead in Manila, which caused the mission to be halted.”

Suna watched all eyes focus on Kenji, watching him speak and explain the details of the past operation. Albeit to him it was a fascinating case, Suna couldn’t help but think to himself that his father was still around in southern Japan, right under his nose in Osaka, only a town away. 

He wondered if his father could’ve stayed throughout the rest of his childhood, how his life would have been so different if he’d lived in ignorant bliss in light of his father’s true identity—or would it have been better to know the truth and stick with him in the present moment, knowing all that he knew right now? In hindsight, to Suna, he was thankful that he didn’t end up with what he thought he wanted.

“Before we discuss the new outline of the mission, I would like to dedicate the start of this mission to Agent Rina Fujiwara, who sacrificed her life while on duty during the Osaka Café Driveby Incident. Rest in peace.” Kenji cleared his throat and lowered his head, as did Detective Washijou and the rest of the agents in the room. Suna followed suit, bowing his head in respect while the room remained silent.

Soon after, Kenji and Detective Washijou gave long synopses of the two missions prior, outlining the details of events that took place and what priorities needed to set in place for a successful mission. From what Suna could gather, there was a long timeline of events that took place between the locations of Osaka and Tokyo. The main target, a man that went by the nickname Cypher, was found amongst Tokyo’s underground street racing scene. He was flagged by another PSIA agent, putting him at the forefront of the mission.

Kenji soon found out that this man named Cypher had also been the Trans-Pacific Trade Operations Leader for the Kitagawa Daichii. It was shocking to him at first, given that there had been news of his death a couple years ago during the Manila Port Explosion, but seeing that he was still alive and well back in Japan gave a reason for him to resume the mission. The Kitagawa Daichii never revealed any names for their members, so to finally put a name to the man that was responsible behind the Trans-Pacific drug trade was one step forward to putting him behind bars.

“Detective Washijou and his brigade has been keeping a close eye on Cypher’s involvement within the Sakanoshita clan ever since he had been flagged for the December freight shooting. We’re targeting anyone involved in any business with the Sakanoshita clan, but as of now, because of the merged missions, we’re first focusing on Cypher.”

Kenji flashed a multitude of photos taken of Cypher from afar by the PSIA personal investigators, several of which were from the missions years ago in Osaka. Suna took note of his appearance, thinking to himself that he looked quite young. In his mind, he was expecting a middle aged man, but the photos showed a young looking guy no older than himself.

Although they might have been similar in age, they were on completely different levels of life experience. Suna’s eyes traced along the dragon tattoo of Cypher’s neck, wondering how a kid his age was able to become the sole person responsible for the trans-pacific international drug exchange at the age of nineteen, while also being wanted by the PSIA by the age of twenty. Now Suna’s learning about how he’s at the forefront of the underground street racing scene, working for Tokyo’s most powerful yakuza clan all before the age of twenty-one? It was baffling to know someone could accomplish all of that within a matter of a few years.

“We’ve decided to take the slow approach by sending someone capable of infiltrating Tokyo’s underground racing scene. It’s preferable to join one of their existing gangs, but it is not required. Remember folks—our approach this time is slow and steady. We do not want a situation happening where we get too close too fast. We wouldn’t want you guys getting into danger like it did with Agent Fujiwara.”

Everyone in the room nodded their head, understanding the precautions and limiting their proximity to the target. Although Suna acknowledged and understood the sacrifice described by Agent Fujiwara, he wondered what she did to cause herself getting into imminent danger. He tapped his foot against the floor, slumping back into his chair while his father continued on with the operation directions.

“…this is why we’ve appointed my eldest son, Rintarou Suna, to go undercover into the underground racing scene.” Kenji pointed his hand to the back of the room in Suna’s direction. 

Within the blink of an eye, every person in the room gathered their attention towards him, observing every inch of Suna in comparison to Kenji. Like father like son , Suna assumed they would say as their eyes probed upon his features, spectating his every reaction and every move. He began to fiddle with his thumbs underneath the table, rubbing the tips of his fingers against each other; his hands stammering while placed upon the spotlight.

“Um, why me?” Suna croaked, shifting his eyes around the room, bouncing his focus between the dozens of agents staring back at him.

“We need someone young to infiltrate the underground racing scene, and with you as our youngest agent, no other would be perfect for the role.” Kenji beamed out with a bright smile, assigning his son one of the most important positions within the operation. “This is exactly what you wanted, no?”

“Um, I don’t even know much about cars,” Suna mumbled under his breath, scratching the back of his neck, feeling his body rise up in temperature. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“No worries, we have it all under control. You will be fine.” Kenji gave a reassuring wink towards him—the same kind of wink he gave all those years ago, moments right before he left for another ‘business trip’, similarly reassuring that everything would be okay until he returned. Unfortunately, just like back then, Kenji lied again.

Once the mission was set to start, they immediately sent Suna undercover straight to one of Cypher’s dealing spots, disguised as a guy looking to buy some of his supply. They provided Suna with cash and situated him at the end of a street alley on a block in Shibuya where he was scheduled to meet Cypher for a deal. Because this was his first attempt, the PSIA wanted to ease him into the mission—so to not seem too suspicious, Suna only bought an eighth of an ounce of marijuana.

Once the getaway car dropped him off a block from the meeting spot, Suna’s hands began to tremble and sweat profusely. He wiped them off on his pants and exhaled out into the night air, quickening his erratic walking pace. Within the far distance, he saw a figure standing at the corner of the alleyway, smoking a cigarette while leaning on the edge of the building. Suna assumed it was Cypher, cautioning his steps while he slowly approached behind him.

Suna cleared his throat before getting close enough to speak, holding the money tight in his hands. “…Cypher?”

At the time, the PSIA only ever knew him by his nickname. No one outside of his circle knew his full name, only ever referring to him as ‘Cypher’. Oikawa shot his eyes over to Suna without moving his head, observing the timid young man approaching him. While finishing the last of his cigarette, he put out the flame against the side of the brick building and placed it within an ashtray he carried with him, storing it back into the pocket of his bomber jacket.

Oikawa kept his head straight and responded in a low and raspy voice without looking up. “Who’s asking?”

His tone caused Suna to stammer in his words, fumbling to form a response.  “U-um… me?”

Oikawa shifted his head towards Suna’s direction, his eyes peering straight at him. There was a brief pause between the two where only the street noises in the distance were to be heard. Suna’s heart began to beat erratically while he held the money tight in his hands—with the grip that he had, he would have been able to permanently damage the bills.

The silence broke when Oikawa leaned off the side of the building and walked towards Suna, placing both of his hands within his jacket pockets. While taking two steps back with every step Oikawa took, Suna managed to keep a safe distance between the two, unsure of what move he was going to pull. He observed that Oikawa’s bomber jacket pockets looked full, and he wasn’t going to risk the possibility of him keeping a weapon in one of them. Even with all the physical training the PSIA put him through, with Suna unarmed, there was no chance he would win against a gun.

Oikawa stopped in place once he noticed Suna cowering back up into the dark alleyway, continuing the conversation again. “Are you the one asking for only an eighth?”

“Um, yeah,” Suna immediately responded without analyzing what he asked. What did he mean by ‘an eighth’? Someone else in the PSIA set up the drug deal for Suna, so he had absolutely no clue how much he was actually buying.

“Five thousand yen.” Oikawa spoke out in a monotone voice, keeping his hands within his pocket.

“Excuse me?” Suna questioned, scratching the back of his head.

Oikawa glared at him, furrowing his eyebrows. “It’s five thousand yen. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

Without hesitation, Suna uncrumpled the cash in his hands, trying his best to count five thousand yen while straightening out the bills. Oikawa watched him struggle with the money, observing him drop the cash on the ground while he scurried to pick it up. Once he collected himself, Suna straightened out the cash and quickly handed it to him.

Oikawa counted the money to himself, making sure Suna gave him the right amount. The bills were damp from the sweat of his palms and crumpled throughout the face of the note. To most businesses, the condition of the money would be unacceptable, but Oikawa took pity on the naivety of the young man.

He sighed to himself while he neatly folded the money into his pocket and took out a small bag of marijuana with roughly around four large nugs of flower buds. The plastic was thick and tightly sealed without any leaks of smell, showcasing the intricate care for detail within the product. It was an expensive Indica hybrid, specially grown within the west coast of the United States. It was a luxury within Japan, and the hefty price tag came with it.

Oikawa tossed it over in the air, to which Suna caught haphazardly with both of his hands.  He observed the small bag and the flower buds within it, questioning why this tiny amount of product was worth five thousand yen. Although the PSIA supplied Suna with enough money, they didn’t educate him with street drug etiquette, nor the knowledge of the market value. Suna didn’t quite understand what he was getting himself into—all the PSIA did was send him on his way because of how unassuming he was. 

“Five thousand yen seems awfully a lot for this little,” Suna commented, pulling the bag up to his head and shaking it in the air with his eyebrows cinched in confusion. 

Oikawa scoffed and rolled his eyes, smiling in disbelief. “You must be new to this.”

Suna gulped down what felt like a lump in his throat, flustered by his lack of awareness. Although Oikawa took pity amongst his naivety, Suna couldn’t help but feel embarassed by the whole interaction. What exactly was the purpose for in this deal? Didn’t Kenji mention they were going to take things slow with the mission? Why is he suddenly face-to-face with their main target?

Suna began to feel anxious, slowly coming to terms with the fact he’s in the same vicinity of a man wanted for murder. It felt sickening to know all the past details of the man in front of him without Oikawa knowing he was already aware of it. All of the past events he was informed of flashed through his mind as Oikawa reached into his pocket and grabbed another cigarette and hung it at the edge of his lips, slowly lighting it up. It became surreal for him to know they were close in age, but Oikawa had notoriously far more experience in life compared to him.

He pinched the cigarette between two fingers and pulled it away from his lips, quickly exhaling the smoke from his mouth. The air began to reek of tobacco again, something Suna knew he had to get used to on the job. “I usually don’t accept sales this little, but because you know Ushiwaka it’s fine, I guess. Just know, my clients usually buy over ten times as much as this.”

Ushijima “Ushiwaka” Wakatoshi was part of the underground street racing scene, but he became notorious within the TMPD as Utsui’s eldest son. Unfortunately, just like Suna, Ushiwaka and his mother fell victim to the PSIA dispatching undercover agents as they formed families before ultimately abandoning them all once the missions were declared finished. When he went rogue a couple of years ago, the PSIA started to use his name as a way for undercover agents to gain trust within the street racing scene—it was exactly the way the PSIA was able to get a “referral” to Cypher.

“Alright, get out of here.” Oikawa shooed him with his left hand, pulling in another puff of his cigarette. He gazed back at Suna, cracking a small smirk at the corner of his mouth. “Don’t smoke it all at once.”

Unfortunately, Suna did not heed his warning.

Tokyo — Spring, two years ago

The drug deal with Oikawa unfortunately marked the beginning of Suna’s decline into a heavy addiction to marijuana and other copious narcotics. 

The PSIA had a strict protocol to store away the drugs purchased through planned deals for observation, but surprisingly Kenji recommended for Suna to keep the product for himself, saying it would help with his assimilation while undercover as another street racer— it would make him fit in better and not stand out too much within the crowd.

Unfortunately, just like most things in his life, Suna took it too far and assimilated too well—in fact, he shifted his entire personality to fit into the character he had to portray for the underground street racing scene. It was a complete shock to his fellow colleagues who knew him as a shy and timid teenager when he first joined the PSIA, but now he’s turned over a new leaf.

It got to the point Suna started seeing Oikawa for drug deals weekly, spending his own money for a few grams of his supply. At first it was supposed to help him get into character while undercover, but Suna took it a bit far, looking for a daily fix at the height of his addiction. Every morning, he’d wake up and contact Oikawa, asking him if they could meet for another deal.

Their meeting spot wasn’t always the same place. Sometimes, Oikawa would ask to meet at different areas around Tokyo—sometimes at the corner of random bars, deep under Shinjuku station, or even on the streets of Kabukicho, right out in the open with other people around. Though, their most memorable deal was when he asked Suna to meet him at one of the races in Downtown Tokyo. That was where Oikawa introduced him to Kita. 

In hindsight, Oikawa regretted ever introducing them. When Suna first met Kita, the Inarizaki Bois were just newly formed. Kita was looking for members to join, and Suna so happened to hit it off with him at first encounter. They bonded over familial issues, slowly but surely finding out they had a lot more in common than they realized. They could relate to each other more than just on a surface level, and sooner than later, Suna was initiated into the Inarizaki Bois.

Unfortunately for Oikawa, that meant Suna was no longer a source of money for him. Immediately after Suna’s initiation, he completely dropped Oikawa as a plug. There wasn’t much contact with him after that, since Suna now had an easier way of integrating himself within the underground street racing scene without much effort. Oikawa didn’t realize it would have negatively affected his business as well.

It didn’t take long for Suna to change physically, either. He started to dress in darker clothing, skip a few haircuts, added piercings to his ears and face, inked on a few tattoos—all within a couple of weeks, Suna looked completely unrecognizable from himself a year ago.

Although Suna looked the part, he still did not take any of the mission seriously enough, which caused him to ultimately slack off on his research and effort to integrate into the street racing scene. All Suna did was use the Inarizaki Bois as a way to get free weed and other drugs. He figured once he tackled the hurdle of trying to get initiated into a gang, it would be smooth sailing from there—but in fact, it was just the first step getting into the deep end.

Kenji was never impressed by Suna’s lack of initiative—he noticed his declining efforts in regards to the mission while simultaneously exploiting PSIA resources for his own personal benefit. There was never anything valuable Suna was able to report back for each check-in for several months, causing the mission’s plan to go a lot slower than intended. This led to Kenji scolding Suna at one of their check-ins, disrupting the barriers of their father-son relationship once he addressed the severity of the issue with personal matters. 

“You’re too fucking soft,” Kenji scolded, hitting the table with his fists as he circled around the room. “I don’t think you’re actually cut out to be an agent.”

“I am though,” Suna retorted under his breath in a sharp tone, looking down at his reflection within the glossy black table. He frowned at himself, knowing deep down the words he spoke were in desperation to save his fragile ego.

“You better toughen up then,” Kenji snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. “This is the real world. You can’t pretend to live comfortably anymore like you did back in Nagoya—you joined the PSIA, you actually have to work to fulfill a purpose.”

“I understand,” Suna mumbled through his closed teeth, gripping his hands while digging his fingernails into the sides of his palms.

“That’s it? You really don’t get it, do you?” 

Kenji closed his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows, pinching the bridge of his nose. A period of silence followed before he scoffed at Suna’s response, shaking his head slowly.

“We’re half a year behind on the plan because you’re slacking on your part. There’s never anything new you bring to the table, you have the same old excuse: ‘I’ll get it next time’. When will ‘next time’ actually happen? You can’t just say these things and never follow through on your word.”

Suna didn’t dare to look his father in the eyes. He kept his head low and his mouth shut while enduring the scold, staring down at his reflection in the table as it grew more distorted by the seconds.

“Do you want to be like your mom, stuck in Nagoya, being completely worthless, doing nothing with her life?” 

“Don’t fucking talk about my mom that way!” Suna immediately jolted up in his seat, growling his threat in a deep and dark guttural tone. “She raised me when you couldn’t, so you don’t get to have a say in what she does, you fucking coward!”

It was hard for Suna to keep his tears in, letting them spill from the corner of his eyes down his cheeks. Quiet thuds of the tear droplets scattered the table beneath him as he gripped the upper strap belt of Kenji’s bulletproof vest, bringing his face close to his.

There was a tremble in his hold, feeling the adrenaline skitter through his spine. Suna kept his face still while he glared right at his father in the eyes who didn’t understand the severity of his words. Kenji did not know he struck such a large and painful vein within his eldest son.

“I didn’t join the PSIA to fulfill some stupid purpose,” Suna whispered through his teeth, still gripping the strap to Kenji’s vest. “I joined because of you.”

The pain he carried made its way over to Kenji, bearing the weight of the truth he spoke. Suna’s eyes were filled with tears while Kenji remained expressionless, unable to speak or respond to his own son. He continued to stare into his father’s eyes, seeing the characteristics he passed down to him up close for the first time—but these heritable traits meant nothing to Suna. They were just a reminder that there was no true bond in blood without first establishing a genuine connection, something Kenji was never able to do with any of his children.

“I joined because I was finally able to get to know my father because I never could while growing up. I wanted to spend time with you and bond with you, because I never really could while growing up. I wanted to be able to actually love my father, and say that I’m proud to be your son… because I never could while growing up.”

Kenji never realized how strong his prolonged absence affected his eldest son’s life. With Suna’s sister, his absence didn’t affect her negatively as she was too young to form the initial critical bond between parent and child—but unfortunately for Suna, Kenji left at the most critical point in his childhood that it completely altered his emotional attachment.

At nine years old, Suna has already recognized the role Kenji filled as his father and bonded with him accordingly—so when the father he once knew suddenly disappeared, Suna was left confused and frustrated, unable to understand why someone who was supposed to love and care for him would suddenly abandon him. The parental bond had formed but was never truly established as a connection between father and son.

“Rintarou, I’ve told you this many times before,” Kenji responded in a quiet, somber tone. The guilt he held for even uttering the words made even himself flinch at the sound. “I can’t be your father anymore.”

It was true, Kenji did remind him of that many times before, in fact, he made the disclaimer prior to Suna’s decision to join the PSIA. Though to Suna, he assumed his father would have a change of heart and their relationship would blossom while they spend more time together, but the reality could have been farther from the truth. Although their relationship was cordial, there wasn’t much past the boundaries of being colleagues.

Suna sacrificed everything he held dear and true to himself for the sake of being loved and approved by his father—his compassion, sense of self, and most importantly, his humanity. Yet, his efforts might have been for nothing.

In all honesty, Kenji didn’t even want to be a father in the first place, but he would have never admitted that. The pride he felt was too strong, and he would have rather let his children become shackled in the belief of the lie that he loved them than to set them free with the truth. 

Suna thought Kenji was too immature to handle the responsibilities of being a father. It seemed he only agreed to father children because he needed to form a family to become as real as possible to fulfill his missions, thinking he would be able to save thousands of civilians from becoming victims to national security threats—yet, the true victims were the thousands of families neglected once these agents were done with their jobs.

Kenji fully believed his occupation as a PSIA agent was a sacrifice he endured to make sure Japan stayed safe, but unfortunately the only thing that was sacrificed had been the bond between parent and child. Suna was left to mature without a father figure present in his life, desperately searching for the man he once knew to fulfill that role again. His job was more important than any artificial family he created, and if he had a choice, he would rather abandon his family than to fail a mission—his father’s hate for failure will always be greater than his love for Suna.

Unfortunately, Kenji passed away in the morning of April 3rd, due to a failed PSIA Riot Police Unit mission—exactly one year before the daikokufuto race accident. An undetonated bomb exploded near the Tokyo Freight Harbor, taking the lives of nearly all of the PSIA Riot Police Unit members and several cargomen working on the docks. No one in a kilometer vicinity survived the explosion, while people within five kilometers sustained multiple injuries. Virtually all of Tokyo could feel the explosion with the incident being broadcasted nationwide.

The news didn’t get to Suna until later that evening until one of his superiors had contacted him about it.

“Thanks for letting me know,” he replied in a somber tone, gripping his phone tightly within his left hand. “He will be missed for his service.”

“Are you okay, Agent Sage?” The man on the other line asked concerningly. “I’m here if you need someone.”

A sustained silence crept through the phone with enough white noise present through the speaker, eating up the seconds on the clock. Suddenly, a light thud hit the microphone, accompanied by a whimper of sorrow. Just before a stream of tears erupted from his eyes, Suna immediately hung up the phone with his superior, throwing it across the room hitting one of the walls of his bedroom.

The deepest and most distressed wail of misery echoed through the chambers of the four walls encompassing him, rattling the ears of anyone in proximity—a sound so vile, yet so forlorn that it could send a skitter of shivers down your spine. Suna’s vision was blocked by the tears filling in his eyes while he submerged himself in the darkness of the night, drowning in the pain that demanded to be felt.

The only memory that played through Suna’s head was the way his mother found out his father had abandoned her, stricken by grief instantaneously, dropping her whole body onto her knees as she let out an anguished wail. He did not expect his father to strike twice; first with his mother and the other with him. Kenji had abandoned him yet again, a situation Suna had not expected, but didn’t ring as a surprise.

Familial trauma is so unique to the state of each situation, but for some reason, the death of his father felt virtually the same to him as when he left the first time—in fact, the first time he abandoned him might have been worse. It was as if he was bracing for the day his father would ultimately leave again; anticipating the blow so that it wouldn’t hurt as much as the first time.

Suna just didn’t expect this day to happen so soon.

Like mother, like son; Suna dropped to his knees as he clutched the fabric of his clothes close to his heart, screaming out into the void of darkness. He questioned himself why he held so much love yet so much hate for his father at the same time. Perhaps if he held the same beliefs as his mother and sister about his father, maybe he could have spared himself the pain of knowing. Ignorance is bliss, as they’d say—if he had stayed detached from Kenji, his death wouldn’t have caused so much distress.

As Suna wept into his hands, continuing to scream out silent curses into the air, he thought about if that was Kenji’s plan all along—to eventually spare him and his sister from feeling the pain of his untimely death. That was the consequence of working undercover for the PSIA, there was always an uncertainty in knowing if you would still be here on this earth tomorrow.

Yet Suna knew his father was not that kind—in fact, he assumed Kenji would think death was a way to escape from all the responsibilities he did not want to be responsible for, including being a present father to his existing children. If that was the case, he would truly be free from those burdens, ultimately passing on all the pain and trauma he held onto throughout his life directly to his eldest son.

Suna believed passing time was more torment than death. 

The following months after his father’s death were the hardest for him to go through. During this period of time, Suna began turning to all forms of escapism to ease the torment of emotion and erase the consciousness of any sensation. He was rarely sober; always high on marijuana and narcotics, mixing ups and downs, rising high above cloud nine and then crashing down into the ninth circle of hell. It was more than just a routine of daily euphoric trips, it was an essential ritual he mustn’t skip.

His face, once so youthful in looks, now aged him years above where he should be. The dark circles under his eyes held the baggage he didn’t ask to carry, his skin sharing the same tone as his expressions; dulled. The whites of his eyes were never as white as they were supposed to be—instead, colored the same as a plucked vibrant red rose, with his pupils as green as the dying stem the petals were once attached to.

Just like his appearance, his whole demeanor changed for the worse. As he was once a shy but optimistic fellow, his attitude and behavior turned sour—he grew detached and cold from the world, all while masking it with a façade of conceited confidence and a ruthless edge. Before his father’s untimely death, he demanded for his son to “toughen up” for the mission—perhaps it was in Suna’s right to fulfill his father’s last wishes.

Despite his father’s death, the mission continued on in his memory with Detective Washijou now taking the lead. He promoted Suna as the main driver of the mission with his undercover affiliation as part of the Inarizaki Bois in the street racing scene, gathering intel amongst Tokyo’s most lucrative contraband trade. Detective Washijou in time became like a father figure to Suna the more they worked together on the mission, providing advice and supporting him emotionally if he needed it.

Though to Washijou, it was more of a way to manipulate Suna to essentially become his puppet within the mission, persuading him to do certain tasks he’d otherwise refuse to do. He’d use the incentive of promotions or additional bonuses, including benefits exclusive to support his mother and sister as well—and Suna always agreed. Washijou took advantage of his vulnerability, yet unbeknownst to him, Suna knew his motive all along and allowed him to.

His detachment and coldness came from the exhaustion of keeping his guard up. He was always so guarded around anyone and anything since the beginning, but it had led to more consequences than benefits. It was tormenting to know that everything in the world was a potential threat—every person, thing, and path. It was precisely this that he was so tired of. Deceit from Washijou. Lies from his father. Betrayal from himself. 

Every little thing, every damned time—Suna had nothing to look forward to because that was what precisely happened every time he was foolish enough to even have hope in his life. It's that lonely guarding; that pained grasping of every wound at every moment, of knowing daggers are at every step, of seeing every drop of deceit, toil, and the background pointlessness of it all. It was within Suna at all times on all days, and it depleted any sense of real living for him.

Yet, the only thing that seemed to give any light to the worth of life was the thrill of playing Enigma—the street racer and drug dealer of the Inarizaki Bois. One of the reasons why Suna didn’t immediately leave the PSIA after his father died was the act of being undercover, submerging himself into another world for a few hours, forgetting anything of his past life. He created a whole new persona, a whole new ego—a whole new shadow self.

This was Enigma.

Enigma’s Secret.

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