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the-insomniac-emporium · 3 years ago

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Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 9

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language + mentions of sensitive topics Warnings: Referenced past abuse. Does not go into detail. Notes: Longest Serenade chapter yet at 4k+ words! Bit of angst, majority is fluffy fluffer fluff though. Next chapter is maximum h*rny, with two versions depending on reader, uh, equipment. EDIT: Forgot to put title, like dumbass. Past Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Toccata, Pt. 5: Poco a Poco, Pt. 6: Elegy, Pt. 7: Harmony, Pt. 8: Obbligato

Chapter 9: Berceuse

(Berceuse: A lullaby. Generally slow and undulating.)

One moment you’re playing the piano, lovingly demonstrating a song you’d like Daniela to learn, the next you’re blue screening as she places a teasing kiss to your neck. It takes all of your willpower to keep playing, improvising a way to end the song right then and there. Then you’re turning to Daniela, eyes wide, blushing hard. She’s giggling. When she regains her composure, you give her a confused expression.

“I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve made real eye contact with me all morning. What gives?” She asked, frowning slightly. Awkwardly rubbing the back of your neck, you avoid her gaze, doing little else than proving her point. This frustrates her, and she lets out an aggravated sigh. I should probably tell her what happened, you think, dreading the idea. Still, the two of you had been making an effort to communicate better. What kind of partner would you be if you didn’t tell her about her mother’s intervention?

“Okay, okay… I wasn’t sure how to bring this up, but if I’m being this obvious about it anyway…” You started, trailing off anxiously. In response, Daniela places one of her hands over yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze. Though your face somehow gets even redder, the action gives you the courage required to continue. “I had another progress update meeting with your mother yesterday. I was worried, since this was the first one where you weren’t present, but I didn’t- I mean, er… Fuck it, she knows you’re interested in me. Doesn’t think we’re already together, thank God, but she told me, and I quote, that my response should be ‘swift and uninterested’. What are-” before you can finish you’re cut off by a loud groan, followed by your girlfriend cradling her head in her hands. Yeah, you think, this is about what I expected.

“Of course she did! I can’t have anything nice,” Daniela snapped, having gone from ten to sixty real quick. You’re just glad that she wasn’t taking it out on the piano. “How would she even know about us? I only stare at you when she’s not looking!” Oh? Since when did she stare at you? Certainly if Lady Dimitrescu had noticed, you would have as well?... Then again, the few times where all three of you were in the same room usually involved you working while they chatted or ate together. Still, the idea of Daniela making heart eyes at you from across the room was enough to make you blush again. “Look, she’s probably making some assumptions. There’s no way she knows as much as she thinks she does, at least not about us. So let’s just be careful- ugh, I sound like Bela- and otherwise keep doing what we do. Alright, songbird?”

“If you’re sure, then so am I. Let’s try to focus on our lesson for now, though,” you replied, doing your best to sound confident. Hoping to add in a little reassurance, you give Daniela a quick peck on the cheek. Unsurprisingly she ‘dodges’, instead kissing you on the lips, but you hardly mind at all. When she pulls back she’s got a huge grin on her face.

“Lesson now, fun later, got it. Speaking of later… You and me, inside the library, right after lunch. I’ll tell mother we’re going over theory and key recognition, but really-” she leans in close, mouth barely an inch from your ear “it’s a date. Don’t worry about getting caught, I’ve already made sure that neither Bela nor Cassandra will interrupt.” Your heart skipped a few beats at her suggestion, and you had to admit… you were beyond excited for this. When was the last time you had gone on an actual date? Years ago, just a month before you left your hometown and moved to the village. That had been a date you’d spend the rest of your life regretting… then again, it was what made you leave in the first place. And if you hadn’t left, you’d have never met Daniela.

Maybe it hadn’t been that bad after all.

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Four minutes past one in the morning, you shuffled nervously towards the library, with note cards in hand. Even if you weren’t really going to help Daniela study, you wanted to be prepared in case you bumped into anyone along the way. After all, this was the night shift, when most of the servants were up and about, accomplishing any tasks deemed ‘too noisy’ to be done while the manor occupants slept. Thankfully, the fact that lunch had just finished meant a fair amount of workers would be busy cleaning up the dining hall. In the end, you only passed one other servant, but it was the only one you hadn’t felt confident about running into: Daphne.

Despite your long-standing friendship (having known each other in the village, and being brought to the castle within the same week), you had yet to tell her about your relationship with Daniela. Which by itself wouldn’t have been too bad, if not for the fact that she could tell you were hiding something from her. This had, understandably, put a damper on your friendship. From her perspective, there was nothing you shouldn’t be able to tell her. Even you weren’t sure if you should be more honest, all things considered. There was no way she’d ever tell someone else about your situation. But if one day you got in trouble for lying to Lady Dimitrescu… and somehow someone figured out that Daphne knew too, well, she’d be just as fucked as you, if not more so. After all, there was a chance that Daniela’s affection for you would lead to a lighter punishment. Not that being exiled into the forest was much better than being flat out killed.

So when you saw Daphne heading towards you, you tried to get by with a simple smile and a brief wave.

“Aren’t you even going to say hi?” Daphne asked, tone stiff but filled with disappointment. It catches you off guard, to the point where you drop your note cards. Immediately you’re squatting down, gathering them up, taking the excuse not to look at your friend. She doesn’t move to assist, instead pausing in the hallway to watch you. “We were supposed to stick together, you know? But it’s like becoming Lady Daniela’s little plaything made you think you’re better than the rest of us. Better than me.” That last part was barely more than a whisper, and you freeze in place, hand still hovering over one of the cards. “I shouldn’t have said anything, it doesn’t matter. Just try not to get yourself killed, alright? I don’t want to be the one to clean up your corpse.”

“Daphne, wait, please!” You said, finally moving to your feet, blocking your friend’s path. When she looks at you, you can just barely make out tears in the corners of her soft blue eyes. “I’m sorry, really. I… I can’t tell you what’s going on because I can’t risk getting you in trouble. You’re my best friend, Daph, and I don’t want anything happening to you just because I was doing something reckless.”

“Do you really think I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you?” Daphne questioned, with a bitter laugh. She’s shaking her head in disbelief, even as you stare at her, shell shocked. “Maybe the others haven’t caught on yet, but I’ve seen the way she looks at you, and I’m not oblivious to the way you talk about her. I figured you’d tell me eventually… It’s been weeks, though. More than that, I mean seriously, don’t you think I’d go down for you in a heartbeat? There was a time where I was sure the two of us would do anything for each other, ride or die when the dying part was a guaranteed end to all of this. Something tells me that’s not the case anymore.” Now she refuses to meet your gaze, instead staring down at what few note cards still lay on the floor.

“That’s still the case, I promise. It’s hard enough to look past what our employers do to strangers. If they hurt you? I’d never dream of forgetting, let alone forgiving them,” you explained. It’s enough to make her look back up, but she’s far from smiling.

“If that’s the case, maybe I’m looking at the wrong signals. But I’ve got to go, and I assume you do too. Take care,” she said, before slipping past you as quickly as she can. Then you’re left to gather the last of your note cards, mind whirling. Cruel as the thought may be, you hoped that this wouldn’t ruin the mood for your date. The best your mind could do to cope was focus on one thing at a time…

————————————

“Are you sure this is safe? I can’t even remember how many times I’ve been told to keep this door shut, under the threat of, you know, losing my life,” you called out, hanging out in the doorway. Beyond you by a few meters was Daniela, who twirled about with laughter, reaching out to catch a few falling leaves. This was the entrance to the garden, as far as you could tell. Not to be confused with the vineyard, which was larger, as well as on a completely different side of the estate. You had never been to either, seeing as only a select few servants were allowed to leave the manor. If Daniela hadn’t made it seem like you’d be staying in the library, well, you probably would have protested a little, regardless of how badly you wanted to go on a real date. Even when you had met up with her, she hadn’t told you any details, just laughing and asking you to follow her.

“Don’t be a baby! We’re still a few weeks away from autumn, and besides, you’re here with me! What could possibly go wrong?” Daniela asked, sending you a cheeky grin before dashing off into the garden proper. For a moment you’re left on the threshold, a picnic basket in your arms, wondering what the season had to do with your safety. Then you sigh, figuring that it couldn’t be that bad. Hadn’t your girlfriend mentioned this to Bela, anyway? Certainly the responsible older sister would have stepped in if something genuinely dangerous had been suggested? Well, you hoped as much, at least. With that in mind you close the door behind you, then dashed towards where Daniela had gone. Even as you round the corner, you don’t see her, and suddenly you’re nervous as hell. Before you can call out to her, the sound of rustling leaves catches your attention. Suddenly something jumps out at you! “Rah! Gotcha, babe!”

Ah, of course it was your girlfriend, clearly pulling a leaf from Cassandra’s book. You playfully smack her arm in response, trying to ignore the way your heart pounded. Humorous intentions aside, she had legitimately scared you, and you had nearly dropped your basket in response. Before you can say as much, Daniela’s hooking her arm in yours so she can pull you further into the gardens.

“You’re lucky you’re so fucking cute, firefly,” you muttered, a tad grumpy now. Most of your irritation was false, however, intended to tease your girlfriend. For a moment she doesn’t seem to realize that, and she stops in place. Once her eyes meet yours she understands what’s going on. Then she’s grinning, sticking her tongue out at you, and continuing down the path. Soon enough you’re approaching a paved brick circle. All around it, minus where it meets the walkway, are various flowers in bloom. Past the flowers are bushes, and past those are trees, whose branches provide a canopy for the circle. “Wow… and I thought you were pretty,” you teased, admiring the view.

As soon as the words leave your mouth, Daniela lets out an offended scoff, before taking the basket from you. Wordlessly she opens it up to grab the blankets within, spreading them without sparing you a glance. Now it’s your turn to wonder whether or not her anger is just a joke. Hoping so, you help her smooth out the blankets, making sure the two of you have ample space to spread out. At one point both of you reach for the basket at the same time, and she just grabs your hand instead, squeezing it. Next thing you know she’s pulling you down onto the blankets, rolling on top of you.

“Come here often?” She asked. Then, unsurprisingly, the two of you kiss. Both of your arms wrap around her waist, holding her as close as you can. One of her hands cups your cheek, the other resting on the ground to support herself, for ‘optimal makeout angles’. It’s a minute of bliss before she has to pull back for air. Instead of pulling away entirely, she shifts down a notch, resting her head against your chest. “Mmm… so comfortable. I could just… fall… asleep…” Daniela murmured, pretending to be sleepy. You can’t help but laugh, chest obviously shaking in as you do. “No! Pillows aren’t supposed to vibrate.”

“Are you sure about that?” You asked, only laughing harder.

“They don’t talk, either,” Daniela replied, huffing as she does. When you keep laughing, she rises to a sitting position, much to your disappointment. “So you have chosen death? So be it. I’ll just eat these candies myself, then.” With that said, she digs into the picnic basket, retrieving a bag of chocolates. Pouting, you reach out to try and yoink one away from her. Rather deftly, she pulls them away, sticking her tongue out at you before tossing a couple in her mouth. Determined, you surge forward, trying to catch her off guard, only to (somehow) end up face down in her lap. “Exactly like I planned, songbird. Now get comfy, alright?”

One of her hands trails fingers through your hair as you semi-awkwardly roll over. Now you’re facing up, watching your girlfriend practically inhale a few pieces of chocolate. But now she seems more inclined to share. She plucks one more from the bag, offering it to you by holding it in front of your mouth. Gladly you open up, and she drops the chocolate, before giving you a small ‘boop’ on the nose. Both of you laugh, then, a sound that sparks warmth in your chest. This was… nice. Relaxing. Not only were the two of you allowed to be as open with your affection as you wanted, it was the first time in ages that you had actually been outside, able to enjoy the sunlight.

Several minutes pass by like this, with Daniela feeding you (and herself) candies, both of you taking time to appreciate the scenery. Eventually the bag of chocolates becomes close to empty, and you see your girlfriend have an ‘oh crap’ moment.

“I was going to save some of these for you to smuggle into your quarters, damn it… guess you’ll just have to refuse to share, babe,” she said, shrugging a little. Then she sets the bag aside, now devoting both of her hands to playing with your hair. “Guess I’ll just have to find something else to keep my tongue occupied. Know any volunteers?”

“Hmm… I would, but it’s reeeaaaaaallllllly comfortable down here,” you teased in reply. Suddenly her hands are taken out of your hair, and you can just barely see that they’re positioned on her hips. She’s pouting at you, very similar to how you’ve seen her mother do, yellow eyes betraying her mischief. What exactly did she have planned?

“Really, songbird? I take you out, give you a wonderful place to rest, hand feed you chocolates… and you won’t even kiss me? When was the last time you even got to do something like this?” She asked, perking an eyebrow. The question is innocent enough. The answer, however, is not. Even with your head in her lap, you cannot fight off the brief sense of panic as your mind flashes into the past. It takes a deep breath, a few blinks, and a reassuring touch from Daniela for you to calm back down. “Songbird?... Hey, hey, it’s okay, I didn’t- I don’t know what happened. But we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, we can just…” She trails off, sounding unsure of herself, and you feel a pang of guilt. Was it finally time to come clean?... Yeah, yeah it was.

“It’s fine, I promise. I just… I need to sit up for this,” you explained, begrudgingly rising out of her lap. But she doesn’t let you pull away entirely, a hand guiding you to sit right up against her. Then she gently wraps an arm around you. Leaning into her touch, you rest your head on her shoulder, closing your eyes for a few seconds. “It’s kind of a long story, firefly… But this has happened often enough that I need to tell you. At least part of it. So, well… When I was younger, I, uh, I read a lot of romance novels, watched a lot of movies. Not even the good ones, really. And I didn’t- I couldn’t think through them. Couldn’t analyze it the way I needed to. So I didn’t get a good grasp of what a healthy relationship looked like. My, uh, my folks weren’t keen on demonstrating one for me, either…

“Before I came to the village, I was, well, uh, the thing is you might not like this part? And you’re not gonna like the next part, either. Just… listen to the end, please,” you pleaded, waiting for an acknowledgment before continuing. “I was engaged, as in to be married, to a woman I had known for most of my life. We were neighbors, and had gone to school together, and everyone thought we were the cutest couple. Hell, for the longest time I thought that. We weren’t, though. She was-” Daniela tenses a bit, though remains silent- “manipulative, sometimes aggressive. Anytime there was an argument, she made herself into the victim, told me that I was crazy. She wanted to make all the decisions about our relationship for me, and I just… I didn’t question it. Not even after she proposed, when my only reason for saying yes was because we were in public, with friends, and she clearly assumed that I’d agree. I tried to tell her that I wasn’t ready, that maybe we were going too fast, but she tuned me out.

“I didn’t even think about running until our final date. That was the first, and the only, time that she ever… that she ever-” a few tears spill from the corners of your eyes- “got physical with me. She’d broken things before, for sure, but I never thought she’d hurt me.” Daniela rubs your back gently, her breathing a little shaky. Evidently she hated hearing about this as much as you hated talking about it. Somehow that made it a little easier to talk through. “The next day she had to work early, so I just packed up my things, went over to my parents’ house and told them what happened. For once they actually agreed, if you can believe it. Told me to get the hell out of town, said that they’d deal with my fiance, and our relatives, so that I didn’t have to worry about anything when I came back. It was less than a full day before I drove away from everything I had ever known, promising my folks that someday I’d be back. Didn’t settle down until half the continent was behind me, not ‘til I was here at the village.”

There were a couple moments of silence as Daniela waited to make sure you had finished talking. Then she’s kissing the top of your head, shaking a little more noticeably now, murmuring reassurances that you can’t quite understand. Again you lean into her touch, indescribably thankful for her comforting presence. Fuck, you think, I probably ruined the date… so much for spending quality time with my lil firefly. When the silence breaks, it does so softly, slowly, a careful opening rather than a forceful push.

“Why would you give me a second chance? After what I did to you?” Daniela asked, voice barely audible, her head still resting atop yours. It’s not the response you expected. Not in the slightest. You pull away slightly, to look her in her eyes, heart aching at the tear stains on her cheeks. Even though you want to give her an answer that will bring her peace, your mind draws little more than a blank. Why had you given her a chance? You had wanted to be with her, without doubt, even before Cassandra and Bela intervened. Even after every time that she reminded you of your past…

“I-I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t learned anything from what’s happened,” you started, uncertainty clear in your tone. “Or maybe it’s because you looked… regretful. You didn’t enjoy what you did, and I saw it in your eyes. And… and then you did something about it. If you hadn’t shown remorse, or if I genuinely believed that you might do something like that again, we wouldn’t be here right now. I mean, in that case your sisters probably would have killed me for turning you down, but that’s not entirely relevant right now, is it?” You’re rambling a little, stuttering over your own words. Still, somehow it makes Daniela laugh, and relief floods your chest. Soon enough you’re curled up against her once more.

“Hey,” she said, after a minute of comfortable silence. “Thank you for showing me what romance is supposed to be.” Then she’s leaning in for a kiss, and you’re responding eagerly, unable to stop yourself from smiling. This time it’s your hand that runs through her hair as you pull her in as close as you can. To your surprise, she does pull away a tad earlier than usual. But there’s a grin on her lips, and she looks satisfied as hell. “Definitely more of that, soon. There’s just one more thing we have to do, to make this date perfect, you know? I may or may not have, kind of, written you something? You’re not allowed to laugh, though!”

“When have I ever laughed at you?” You asked, teasing, literally laughing as you speak. In response, Daniela scowls, making a point to look away in feign protest. “Joking, joking… I’ve just, you know, never had someone write me something before. Kinda don’t know how to react, really. Other than blushing real hard-” which you were doing- “and trying to play off my excitement with humor. But I promise I won’t laugh, even if you start with something like ‘roses are red, violets are blue’ or end with something like ‘just us in bed, doing the do’. Please tell me that’s not what you wrote, though?”

“Now that you mention it, maybe that should be what I recite. Sounds exactly like the sort of thing that would get me laid,” Daniela joked, rolling her eyes at you. Then she’s tugging a loose piece of paper out of the picnic basket, unfolding it to reveal a well-worn surface and hand-written text. She hesitates for a moment, glancing up at you, before taking a deep breath. When she speaks it’s clear just how nervous she is. But with every line she gains a measure of confidence, by the end acting her usual confident self.

Step from the shadows, weary corners of my mind Encased in old thoughts, brought into new life Like ashes rising from tombs housing the divine

Spinning webs as I descend, from the cradle of heaven From the dead I have risen, blessed be the gift I’m given Only from your haunting call do I embrace living

Catching the corners of my lips turning up All my years I’ve felt, but never this much Quietly writhing, begging for your softest touch

The pursuit of unintentional romance left abandoned Whispering love-locked tales to be consumed Sweeter than every facade I have ever imagined

Come closer now, into my arms, heart embraced Trailing fingers over scars, sewing lines traced Tell me love, “we shall last until the end of days”

At first, all you can do in response is stare at her, expression filled with affection. Inside your chest your heart was racing, and you couldn’t remember the last time you felt this warm. Reaching out, you take one of Daniela’s hands in your own, grinning as soon as her gaze meets yours. Both of you are blushing rather hard. Then she sets the poem down, eyes never leaving yours for even a second. You try to stutter out a few words, but find your tongue tied, and so you settle for placing your forehead against hers. The two of you stay like that for a few loving moments. When you part, it is only to come back together, this time in a tight hug.

“One helluva date, yeah?” Daniela asked, looking incredibly proud of herself. You can’t help but nod enthusiastically in response, honestly happier than you had felt in years. “Well, I will have to let you get back to work soon, unfortunately… but we have a few minutes, at least. Besides, having to part will only make tonight all the more sweeter.” At that you pause, confused, tilting your head to the side. Realizing that she must have gotten ahead of herself, Daniela blushes before elaborating. “You, me, my room. Tonight, right after your shift ends.”

You could hardly wait.

#daniela dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu x reader #resident evil: village #re8 village #please tell me if the poem is any good #seriously pleaaaaaaseeeee #or just tell me what your favorite line from the whole chap is #that's always what I want to know #feedback wise

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lynx-paw · 2 years ago

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Your face-blind post made me feel heard ugh...i cant see anything in my head. No faces, no objects, no colors. Sometimes a shape but thats about it. Its obv not the same issue as yours but its as equally as frustrating especially when people say "just try harder to see/imagine"??? Like??? How am i supposed to do that if my mind doesnt work like that?

People can be so insensitive..sending you lots of love rn🧡

Hey dear 👋 This will be a loooong answer, sorry.

Thank you so much for reaching out, I can’t express properly how much it means to me. Feel free to come to my asks or in DMs whenever you want to talk or vent, I’ll be here.

Unfortunately, a lot of people never heard of face-blindness (aka prosopagnosia) and I took it as my goal to spread the word about it however and whenever I can. If someone is bothered by it here on Tumblr, they can unfollow me 😊.

The reason why I’m talking about it non-stop is because it’s never talked about in the media except that one time Brad Pitt said he has prosopagnosia and media went crazy for whole… 2 seconds, some calling him a liar and how he’s using it as an excuse to be rude and ignorant. I’m not defending him or pretending to be an expert so I can say “yes he has it” or “no, he’s just pretending”, but he’s a good example of how people treat face-blind individuals. We’re often “welcomed” with words like “try harder”, “you’re faking it”, “just admit you didn’t greet me because you were mad at me”, “if it was real condition, I would’ve heard of it” etc.

As I said before, I didn’t know a single thing about face-blindness until I explained to my boyfriend at the time that I just can’t memorize his face and that I can’t have a mental image of him in my mind. And then I went down the rabbit hole and researched for months and months before I was able to put a label on my condition. Prosopagnosia. A part of my brain is fucked. I don’t “see” faces and animals. It hit me so hard. I was in denial for a long time. I told myself it can’t be true, I can’t have a damaged brain and no way to fix it.

But, here I am, years later. I’d lie if I said it doesn’t feel burdensome to introduce myself every time with “Hi, I’m (insert name). If I walk past you next time and don’t greet you, please don’t be mad. I’m face-blind.” And I feel sorry every time when I send my friends a photo of someone in a movie, series or music video and ask “Who is that? Is that (insert name)?” By far the worst is not being able to recognize myself in older, especially group, photos. Older as in… 2 months ago. Sometimes even less.

For movies, videos etc. I found [CC] aka “closed captions” helpful. They always put the name of the person speaking in front of the dialogue.

And a funny thing – I have colour-blind friend! She doesn’t see shades of pink/red. So when she asks me how my character from a fic I’m writing looks like or how I imagine them I just tell her “I don’t know, but I think they’re pink.” It’s our funny way of reminding each other we’re blind, just different type of it.

Now, I’ll allow myself to comment on your condition. Sorry if I’m crossing a boundary. So, face-blindness is caused by damage or impairment of right fusiform gyrus, a part of our brain which controls facial perception and memory. My research tells me that in my case, that part is only partially damaged/not functioning well because I have no problem with colours, complex geometric shapes etc., just animals and human faces. In your case, I think the part is completely damaged/not functioning based on what you told me.

Here’s the link to Wikipedia article that gives a brief idea of what’s going on. It has a lot of references and sources so I believe it’s credible enough to be a start point in your research if you’d like to do that. For me, researching and understanding my condition helped me cope with it better.

If that doesn’t help, just remember you can always blame it on your ancestors 😂.

Sending lots and lots of hugs 😊.

#i was asked #face blindness #prosopagnosia #lynx queues

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rosiehunterwolf · 3 years ago

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two halves of a broken whole

Prompts: Scars and Free Space (stealing Post-Fight from the twixt board)

Word Count: 2,191

Characters: Nya and Zane

Timeline: Immediately after season 9

Trigger Warnings: Blood, Needles, Brief Swearing

Summary: The Sons of Garmadon have been defeated. Garmadon is in prison. The city has been saved.

In the aftermath of the battle, Nya is more than ready to take a much-needed break. But the life of a ninja is messy. Recovery is never that simple. Although the wounds may have healed, the scars still remain.

Zane’s scars seem to match up, though. And maybe together, they can begin to heal.

Read on FFN.net

Read on Ao3

Tumblr work under the cut

Nya stumbled through the dark kitchen, searching through the cabinets. She gritted her teeth as pain flared in her arm. Where are those painkillers? Ugh, how does Skylor find anything in here? There’s no system!

She gasped in relief as she finally found the medicine cabinet, but as she reached out to grab a bottle, she bumped her bad arm against the cabinet door. Crying out in pain, she jerked her arm back, and the bottles came tumbling down and clattering loudly to the floor.

“Damn it all,” she groaned, leaning her head against the cabinet. “Stupid, stupid arm, why do you have to be so weak-”

“Nya?”

Nya jumped, hitting her head against the cabinet door. “Ow! Zane, what are you doing here-”

The nindriod crossed the small kitchen in two steps, yanking off the damp towel she had draped across her upper arm, revealing a long, bloody cut stretching across the length of it.

“I knew it,” Zane muttered. “Nya, why would you hide something like this?”

“It’s not that big of a deal, I-”

“Not that big of a deal? Nya, this is serious! You need stitches! Next time, say something!”

She winced. “I didn’t want to bother you guys- Lloyd was way more hurt than I was, you guys had your hands full with him.”

“You could’ve gone to Skylor.”

“I wanted to prove I could do it, okay?” Nya snapped. “Skylor was so strong, walking off Garmadon’s power corruption like it was nothing. And she was being so generous, letting us all crash in her house like this- I didn’t want to bother her anymore, but instead, I just ended up bleeding out all over her bathroom floor.”

Zane shot her a sympathetic glance. “Nya, don’t worry about that now. Skylor will understand, and I can clean it up. The only thing we care about is that you are safe. Here, go sit down.” He gestured towards a kitchen chair and headed towards the cabinet. Nya slumped over into the chair, still clutching her arm, and Zane rooted through the medicine bottles, finally pulling out the painkillers and handing her three large pills and a glass of water. She eyed them warily.

“Isn’t this a little much? I mean, it hurts, but not that bad.”

“I still have to give you stitches, remember?”

“Oh. You’re doing that now?” Zane turned away, and Nya took the opportunity to down the pills, using the cheap coffee she had made herself to help her swallow instead of the water Zane had given her. “Nya, if I don’t do this now it will only make the cut worse.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know- ow!” she yelped as Zane rubbed at the wound with a wet, antiseptic-soaked washcloth, the fabric quickly staining red.

“I need to clean it, Nya. This would’ve been much easier if you hadn’t spent so long walking around with an open wound.”

“Okay, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”

“I’m going to go get a needle and thread, I’ll be right back.” Nya sighed, slumping back against the chair. This was exactly what she had been trying to avoid. The guys had been through hell recently. The last thing they needed was having to worry about her, too.

“Nya?”

Nya jerked her eyes open, turning her gaze towards Zane. What happened? Did I doze off?

Stupid coffee, not doing its job.

Zane seemed to catch on to this too, and frowned. “When’s the last time you slept?”

“I don’t need sleep, I have this magical liquid called coffee.”

He shot her a stern glance. “Nya.”

“Fine! I don’t remember, okay?” She reached for the paper cup again, but Zane snatched it from her hand.

“You can’t live off of coffee. First of all, it’s horrible for your health, second, it can never replace a full night’s sleep.”

Nya crossed her arms, grumbling. “Hey, at least I’m better than Lloyd. He dumps like five pounds of sugar into his.”

“Yes, well, Lloyd is sleeping. Like you should be.”

“Which is so not fair,” she huffed. “I spent weeks trying to get him to sleep and the second you guys get back, he does it instantly.”

Zane smiled, but his eyes were sad. “Kai’s always kind of had a way with him.”

“I know.” She turned her head, sighing. “I wasn’t trying to sound ungrateful, I’m so glad you’re back, but-” Nya let her hand fall to her side, where it bumped against Zane’s. Gently, she rubbed her fingers across the smooth metal, her heart pounding in her chest. Suddenly, she squeezed Zane’s hand, her breath coming in heavy pants as she closed her eyes.

“Nya?”

Her eyes snapped open. “I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with.”

“Nya, it’s okay if you’re not fine.”

“I am.”

“I’m sorry we left you as we did.”

“It’s not your fault, okay?” She tugged away from him. Her hands were trembling now- from the coffee? The painkillers? The fear? She didn’t know. “It’s not your fault.”

Zane closed his hands over hers, steadying them. “No, but it still wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

“You don’t know,” she whimpered. “You don’t know what it was like. I wanted to give up so bad, and Lloyd-” she closed her eyes, breathing out slowly. “I don’t even know how I got him through it. He was so depressed. I can’t go through that again.” She turned sharply towards Zane, grabbing his hands. “I can’t. You hear me? That can never happen again.”

Zane squeezed her hands back, his eyes sad. “Believe me, Nya, I will do everything in my power to make sure it never does. But we are ninja. Dangerous things are going to happen, and if we spend our whole lives fearing that, we’ll never get through. We need to live life one day at a time. We need to trust in each other.”

“I do trust you!”

“Good.” He placed a hand on her arm, just below the wound. “Then you’ll let me patch you up?”

Nya glanced at the needle and swallowed, looking away. “Just go ahead. Don’t make me watch.”

“We really don’t have the proper numbing medication,” Zane said. “The painkillers will help some, but this is still going to hurt.”

“Believe me, I’m sure the sword going in felt a lot worse.”

Zane pressed his lips together. “Yes, I suppose it did. Ready?”

“Stop asking me if I’m ready and just do it already!” Zane flinched away, and she quickly added, “Sorry. I’m just a little on edge.”

“You’re going to be fine. Just hold still.”

The needle was cold on her skin, and then suddenly it was piercing through her flesh. It took all of Nya’s willpower not to jerk away, and she bit down hard on her lip, forcing back a scream. “Holy shit- Zane!” she broke off in a whine.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’ll be over soon.”

She tried to focus on her breathing as the needle pricked her again and again, Zane’s tugs quick and tight.

“Augh, remind me to visit Kryptarium later and go scream at those assholes for doing this to me.”

“We could’ve gotten you to a proper hospital if you had spoken up earlier. This is your own fault.”

“Oh, yeah, blame the victim. Besides, I hate hospit- aaugh, Zane, are you almost done?”

“Done.” Zane neatly snipped the thread, and Nya slumped over onto the table, grinding her teeth together and clenching her fists.

She felt Zane’s hand on her back. “Are you okay?”

“Gaugh, I will be, but son of a bitch, that hurt!”

“Alright.” Zane’s voice suddenly sounded cross. “It’s over now. That language is no longer necessary.”

“Are you seriously scolding me for swearing right now?” The table muffled her yelp. “I’d like to see how you cope when your arm stings like hell.”

“Nya.”

“You’re impossible!” Sitting up, she told him, “If you’re going to be such a goody-two-shoes, could you at least get me an ice pack?”

Zane got her the ice, and after about half an hour, the pain had finally dulled to something she could sleep through.

Exhausted as she was, though, she wasn’t done yet.

“Come see me in the morning,” Zane was saying, cleaning up the last of the bottles and putting them back in Skylor’s medicine cabinet. “It should be fine, but I want to check just to be sure. And try not to sleep on that side. I don’t want the stitches coming out during the night.” As he turned to walk out of the room, Nya grabbed his wrist.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

He blinked. “To bed? Like any sensible person should be at this hour?”

“Not so fast, now it’s your turn.”

“My turn?”

“You patched me up,” Nya told him as she turned and rustled through Skylor’s junk drawer. “It’s only fair that I return the favor.” She pulled out a few screwdrivers, some scrap metal, and- score, a circuit board. And in pristine condition, too! Skylor always had the best stuff lying around. When you could find it, that is.

“But Nya, I’m not injured!”

She put a hand on her hip, glancing him up and down. Scratches and dents littered the ice ninja’s skin, and if she knew Zane, that was usually an allusion to something bigger going on.

“Oh please, the four of you came back a mess.” She walked around him, inspecting him. “Don’t tell me you came out of that whole ordeal unscathed. And I didn’t see anyone check you over today. Aha-” leaning forward, she rapped her knuckles against a spot on his back, near the shoulder, and the panel shuddered beneath her touch. “I knew it. This section isn’t sturdy. Take off your shirt so I can get to it better.”

“Nya, I am a nindroid, injury is inconsequential-”

“I said, take off your shirt! Or are you going to make me do it for you?”

Zane sighed, pulling off his pajama top so that Nya could see the damaged area better. The panel appeared cracked and loose, so, gently, she pried it off, revealing several frayed and broken wires. Part of the exposed circuits were fried.

“And you were telling me off for hiding my injuries?”

“It’s hardly the same. Human bodies cannot withstand the amount of force that a nindroid’s can. Plus, you are susceptible to infection.”

“Zane, I don’t care!” She got to work snipping at the wires and pulling some of the damaged parts out. “You’re still one of us. Just because you can take this sort of damage doesn’t mean you should!”

“I know. I was just worried about the others.”

“Well, it’s about time you thought of yourself for once. You can’t properly care for us if you’re not functioning at full capacity, anyway.” Sticking the tweezers between her teeth, she readjusted the wires and got to work on the circuits.

“I… I don’t like asking for help.”

Nya’s fingers paused.

“‘E ei’er.” The tweezers muffled her words, but Zane got her point clear enough.

“Sometimes we do need help, though. We are part of a team for a reason, after all.”

Nya removed the tweezers and wiped her grease-stained hands on a towel. “You’re forgetting that I was Samurai X before I was a ninja. I didn’t need any help then.”

“I didn’t forget, I just remembered the important parts. We were still there for you afterward, even on your solo missions.”

Nya was quiet for a moment. “Maybe that was why it was so hard with you gone. It was like a piece of me was missing. I couldn’t fully uphold the Resistance without you guys there to help.”

Zane’s fingers skirted across his heart. “I don’t know how we went on, with part of our souls realms away.”

Nya put a hand over his. “But we’re here now.”

“But you weren’t. We have all the pieces again, but they feel… broken.”

“Hey.” Nya pressed the metal against the gap in his back, using the screwdriver to secure it into place. She leaned back, admiring her work. Good as new. “I fixed you, didn’t I? Nothing will stay broken forever.”

“I can fix a car,” Zane sighed. “Or the Bounty, or the oven, or myself. But I have no idea how one goes about putting pieces of a broken heart back together.”

Nya sat down next to him. Their eyes met- stunning, electrifying blue against deep, gentle brown. “Neither do I. But maybe… we can figure it out.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Together.”

“Together is good,” Zane agreed, putting his arm around her. “I think I like it a lot better than being alone.”

Sitting there, on the hard wooden chair, raw stitches in her shoulder, with Zane’s hard metal arms wrapped around her, she couldn’t have been in a more uncomfortable position. Yet Nya felt more at ease than she had in weeks.

For the first time since the guys had gone to the First Realm, Nya’s sleep was peaceful and uninterrupted.

#ninjago #ninbingo #my fic #rosie writes #ninjago nya #ninjago zane #i love love loved writing these two #their dynamic is so fun #and they're actually very similar #so it's fun seeing them discover those connections together #thanks for reading!#reblogs and comments greatly appreciated!

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clearlynotjanus · 3 years ago

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Loceit Appreciation Week: Day Two, Crook/Aftermath

READ ON AO3

Chapter Summary: As the aftermath of choosing to attend Lee & Mary-Lee's wedding over Thomas' big acting break approaches, Janus extends Logan an unprecedented olive branch that results in the pair inadvertently working together.

CW: Drinking mention, very brief religion mention, philosophy Word Count: 3703 Genre: Gen, Hurt/comfort Rating: Gen Ships: Slowburn Loceit, pre-established Dukeceit, pre-established Intrulogical, slowburn intruloceit

taglist: @sanderssidesangsttrash @catalinaacosta @whatishappeningrightnow @anxiousbean4404 @vexelore @the-dead-and-the-decaying @serpentinesomebody @poptartsaysurloved @robertdownerjr @dangitsbrightinhere @iamuncomffy @sanderdarksides @evertriedsoywithyourpopcorn @dragonfander @virgilstarantula @a-rudethude @indubitably-emo @gay-artist-626 @cosplayhanna @edupunkn00b @wouldntyou-liketoknow @awesomerandomgirl1 @rizzyluke @loceitweek2021

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April 13th was rapidly approaching and with each passing hour, Thomas sank deeper into denial. Indecision welled as he went back and forth on the subject matter; callback or wedding, callback or wedding, the opportunity of a lifetime or a petty social engagement -- ugh. There was nothing resolute about his choice, about Roman’s choice. It was impulsive, fueled by the short lived desire to be seen as a good person. The kicker was that, even though Thomas was beginning to see this much, it didn’t matter. He would continue burying the realization under mounds of repression while justifying his discontent every way he could manage, grasping at every straw and still coming up short.

And Janus was supposed to help him, obviously. Repression may have been Patton’s speciality at times, but lying was his jurisdiction; even and especially when those lies were told to himself -- Thomas’ self. He was expected to disregard the resentment in his heart and perform his function. Well, if Thomas could make questionable decisions, then so could Janus, and he decided that they would all find it very difficult to cope when Thomas suddenly found himself incapable of lying on the wretched day. Maybe then Janus’ argument would be taken seriously -- but that was assuming Thomas would even notice.

Stewing in these thoughts, Janus shifted in his seat. Remus, used to his malcontented fidgeting, never spared a glance, however Logan seemed to finally have had enough.

“Are you alright, Janus?” Logan asked from his position, diagonal from the other. His tone was more annoyed and straightforward than concerned. He had genuinely been interested in the show Remus had put on but found it impossible to concentrate with Janus’ excessive sighing and movement.

“I suppose,” Janus lamented, resuming his contemplative silence. Perturbed, Logan adjusted his glasses and resigned himself to sitting back.

“Well, if there’s anything to be done,” Logan offered mindlessly, allowing his sentence to trail off as his focus resumed on the television.

“Well there is one thing,” Janus seized the opportunity after a brief pause, leaning forward with a hushed tone. Logan blinked at the sudden intensity of Janus’ charm.

“And that would be?” He responded dubiously, glancing almost nervously at Remus who seemed utterly absorbed by the show, sparing no attention to either of them. Similarly, Janus opened his mouth to begin speaking, but then inhaled as he registered the fact of Remus in the room still.

“Join me in the kitchen for a moment?” Janus stood fluidly, “I think we could use a drink,” he excused the thinly veiled shift before turning and exiting for the kitchen.

Confused, Logan sat up, only then realizing how much he had leaned towards Janus in the moment. The back of his neck itched with a familiar heat and he cleared his throat.

“I guess I’ll be--” Logan started to explain but Remus quickly waved a hand and shhhh’d him aggressively. With a small smile, Logan pressed a brief kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek, earning a soft sound of appreciation before standing and following after Janus.

Logan entered as Janus finished pouring a second glass of wine. Assuming the other already filled was for him, Logan accepted and rested a hip against the counter. He crossed an arm under his elbow and watched Janus cap the wine with expectation in his raised chin, but Janus didn’t start speaking until he brought the glass to his lips.

“Something’s coming, you do realize,” he said while meeting Logan’s eyes carefully, his voice low and smooth like a secret. Janus followed his sentence with a slow sip. Logan took the pause to formulate his answer.

“That depends entirely on what you mean by ‘something,’” Logan replied hesitantly, but with a loosely concealed air of knowing.

The date of Lee and Mary-Lee’s wedding was of little importance to him, though the ramifications on Thomas’ stress levels were vexing. The two were connected, obviously, Logan wasn’t so ignorant as to pretend otherwise; however, he couldn’t empathize nor sympathize with Thomas’ decision -- or Roman’s decision, rather. If providing support for his friends was truly paramount, then why was Thomas stressed? He was unable to sleep soundly despite understanding Remus’ behavior now. Similarly unable to concentrate on work, thoughtlessly picking at his food, distracted by persistent and troubling thoughts of guilt, remorse, and failure.

“But yes,” Logan shook his head, conceding. “Something is coming and we’re all bound to talk in circles again.” He sighed and took a sip that quickly turned into a gulp from his glass.

“They never do listen to you,” Janus pointed out sympathetically and Logan frowned, looking away. “That isn’t your fault, of course,” he quickly soothed the burning truth but Logan remained silent for several long moments. Before he spoke again, he brought his glass up for another long drink.

“It is true though,” Logan admitted with a sigh. It was Janus’ turn to frown. They were all so ignorant to ignore Logic of all sides. How Logan had kept his patience for this long was beyond him.

“I don’t know how to make them listen,” Logan whispered, stare unfocused across the room. “Sometimes they do but,” his shoulders deflated and he rolled his eyes back up to Janus’ face, his lips lined in resigned disappointment. “More frequently they take my lessons in the opposite direction and come up with some alternative and pointless meaning,” Exasperation leaked into his tone. Janus exhaled in the following silence.

“Well, my favor,” he started after a moment and Logan blinked up, suddenly remembering what this conversation was supposed to be about, “with that in mind, is less for me than it is for you.”

Logan’s brows creased as his eyes narrowed, not in suspicion but in confusion. He opened his mouth, intending to ask how that could possibly be, but his breath was quickly stolen by Janus’ delicate hand on his shoulder as he began to leave.

“When the time comes,” Janus whispered almost directly into Logan’s ear as he leaned in. Goosebumps raised along his arms and his stomach knotted in a way he was beginning to associate with Janus specifically. “Rely on me.”

- - - - -

Another debate spent as an observer, reduced to an annoying popup ad not even most of the audience bothered to pause for; too enthralled with the meaningless, cyclical conversation enduring above. At least Logan could console himself with the idea that some people were reading what he had to say. Thomas, at the very least, already knew everything he was saying. Logic wasn’t a feeling after all but something deeply embedded. A fact that only added fuel to the fire of frustration but that wasn’t something he was concentrating on currently.

Then Patton finally asked for his input directly. Logan already knew that Patton wouldn’t like what he had to say, but it was what Thomas needed to hear; the reality that’s been lying underneath every decision they’ve ever made. It was something Patton actively avoided thinking about. The fact was that his view and use of empathy was far more akin to pity, a feeling that only thinly veiled the nihilistic complex Morality had gotten entangled with in Thomas’ youth. “God,” “fate,” and “nothingness;” were all just terms for relinquishing control of one’s life. A habit that was clearly getting Thomas into situations that weighed on him heavily.

Logan began with reciting the source material: pity runs counter to the instincts that preserve and enhance the value of life. Friedrich Nietzche’s The Anti-Christ. A fantastic read about Nietzsche's claim that Christianity is a poisoner of western culture with its inherent apathy central to westernization. That wasn’t the first sentence nor was it the opening statement of the section he was referring to, but it was a perfectly adequate summary. However Logan didn’t even finish half of his following sentence explaining Nietzche’s philosophy before a yellow and black button appeared on his textbox. Skip all -- click. No hesitation.

No second thought.

Well, Logan did say that he was making his facts optional this time.

Something hard suddenly wrapped around his throat and the next thing Logan knew, he was being violently torn away from the scene.

Upright on his feet, he landed in a familiar place. Blinking around the shadowy corners of the Dark Side living room, Logan cleared his throat and adjusted his tie with tense hands. How unnecessarily brutal, he thought.

“Oh hey, Lolo!” Remus greeted from the couch, suddenly realizing his forced entrance. “De -- I mean Jan just left!” A pause. “Wait,” he said slowly like he suspected them of something, but when he continued, he sounded humored again. “Did he send you to babysit me while he went and fucked with the Light Sides?”

Logan sighed, shoulders deflating. “It seems that way,” He conceded, piecing different puzzle pieces together but still getting the same result as Remus. “What are you doing, then,” Logan asked in a rather flat and tired tone as he sat down next to his boyfriend, who proceeded to gush about the diagram he had been sketching for a new building in his Duchy.

Logan guessed Janus had sent him here, in proximity and obligation to Remus, rather than stewing by himself in his room in case he found himself disagreeing with how this had been handled. Which he did, but only with the execution, and not enough to stop Janus at this point. Rely on me, Janus had said a few days ago now and at the time Logan had clammed up from the situation. Janus’ lips pressed against his ear, a hand on his shoulder, wine coursing through his blood; his mind had raced with possibilities and it wasn’t until now that Logan realized what a brilliant set up it had been.

Hopefully Janus got through to the others easier than him. Historically that hadn’t been the case yet but there was a severe lack of data to infer from. Logan had many chances to convince the others of various rationale at this point. Janus had only the opportunity twice. It was only fair that Logan would rely on him then, and try not to be bitter about it. They had been getting nowhere when he was involved and the only Side Logan could blame was Patton.

Minutes ticked by before Logan detected an opening for further input. Janus struggled with his metaphor, faltered and Logic appeared. Not that any of you care, he began speaking only really to Patton and Roman, but I am unharmed. Janus reacted negatively, perhaps assuming Logan was upset with him for the intrusion -- And I don’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t upset. At least not with Janus.

His explanation ensued and in a rare occurrence, everyone listened. Whether that was due to Janus having gotten their attention focused on the issue at hand or Logan finally having a convincing argument, in the moment he wasn’t sure. However nothing really spoke to the fact that Janus was an emotionally inclined Side more than the way he reacted to Logan putting a legitimate name to his stance; Effective Altruism. His expression was full of clear fascination at being taught something, intrigue to know more, attentive listening; it was Janus’ debut discussion on the stage all over again. The first time Logan had been so explicitly asked for frequent contributions in what had felt like forever. Logan easily fell back into the comforting feeling of being heard -- before sinking out and preventing himself from witnessing anymore absurd contradictions.

After leaving of his own volition to his room, Logan fell back on his bed with a sigh and removed his glasses. Everything was very difficult, he thought, pinching the bridge of his nose; and it would always be difficult as long as Patton continued to be so frustratingly obtuse. Well, at least Janus got it, but seeing that he had an easier time getting through to the others felt bitter. It really did boil down to some … fallacy of Logic, didn’t it.

Logan lost track of time in the mire of his thoughts, at some point having opened his eyes to stare blindly at the ceiling. Everything had calmed down in the living room it seemed. Thomas was now preoccupied with his friends and the Sides were released to continue with their day. Only Logan wasn’t sure what it was he should be doing. A familiar question floated through his mind like an astringently sweet memory; was he even necessary?

“Well don’t you look comfy.”

“Janus,” Logan sat up and rushed to shove his glasses on.

“Oh sorry,” Janus whispered, gesturing with a limp wrist. “Was I interrupting? Were you experiencing an emotion? Should I leave?” Janus teased with drama in his soft voice. Logan cleared his throat.

“Considering you’re already here, no,” He stood and adjusted his tie. “Why are you here? I thought everything was taken care of.”

“It is,” Janus reassured smugly but then slowly crossed the room towards Logan, his eyes and fingertips indulgently dragging along the books lining the wall. “Are you saying I can’t visit?” He paused in front of Logan with pouting lips and a hurt expression. Standing a few inches too close, he reached a gloved hand to smooth the back of Logan’s mussed bed hair. “Check up on you?”

“I didn’t say that.” Heat overtook his face as he quickly looked away, dislodging the hand in his hair with the movement. “You can. I just wasn’t expecting you.” Janus frowned.

“I don’t know why,” he replied, quietly astounded. Didn’t they have an agreement? Why wouldn’t he come to...debrief or whatever after all that? Janus’ lips pursed in a wounded expression as he watched Logan take steps away, looking everywhere but up at him. “That’s beside the point however.” He huffed a soft sigh and tilted his head, attempting to meet Logan’s eyes. “You’re very angry, aren’t you?” He guessed. For once Logan wasn’t denying any of his emotions which was both progress and rather troublesome. The misguided assumption prompted Logan to finally acknowledge his gaze again at least. Janus thought his face was rather unreadable.

“No,” Logan shook his head, giving his own heavy sigh. “Frustrated,” he admitted like Janus was pulling his teeth.

Janus hummed with understanding, raising his chin with a nod. “Well I apologize,” He offered seriously, lifting half of his mouth in a genuine expression. “Perhaps I should’ve been a tad more explicit beforehand,” Janus shrugged shallowly, willing to admit his fault. “It did work however, so I thank you for relying on me. As ... difficult as that may have been.” Janus finished, all too aware of how manipulated Logan might feel; how artificial the moments of closeness they had together lately must suddenly seem -- and while Janus wouldn’t put that sort of thing past himself, it wasn’t true in this case.

“No,” Logan shook his head, blinking at Janus’ seriousness. “I’m not frustrated with you,” he explained slowly, diverted from his frustration for a moment in the misunderstanding.

“You’re not?” Confusion mixed with intrigue on Janus’ face. “Well, what are you frustrated with then?”

Logan rapped knuckles against his desk in thought, looking away from Janus again and down at the action. It was with pride that he regarded himself as Thomas’ language center. Words came easily to him, most of the time. Struggling to phrase things wasn’t an obstacle he faced frequently. However, more often than not, Janus made this part of his job difficult. At the same time, it wasn’t something he’d blame Janus for. It wasn’t Janus’ fault Logan thought he was captivating, distracting. Beautiful.

Logan’s knuckles went still on the desk. “As usual, I find myself frustrated with emotions.” Janus’ brow twitched; was it not just frustration he was feeling? Was there something more he couldn’t articulate? “More specifically,” Logan continued and rolled his eyes back up at Janus, “I’m frustrated with Patton, which is nothing new.”

“Ahh,” Janus breathed, the sound turning into a gentle chuckle. If he had been worried, the concern began to melt away. “Yes,” he nodded slowly, “I can easily imagine that.” Janus thought on their own interaction before his arrival here, in Logan’s room. It was ... very awkward. Patton seemed unwilling to discuss the matter further, or perhaps Janus had just been trying to beat a dead horse. “He’s very naive and difficult to communicate with.” Janus scrunched his nose.

Historically, he had an easy enough time understanding Patton. He was soft, liked to see the best in people even when he had very clear evidence not to. Patton was emotional and stubborn. There wasn’t anything too complicated about him that Janus didn’t get. It was when he attempted to employ the reverse of Patton understanding him where tragedy struck. For someone who boasted about empathy, Morality had an awful time seeing where Janus came from.

“Yes, precisely. He’s so stubborn,” Logan agreed enthusiastically. As he continued, he began to gesture wildly, speaking with his hands as much as his words to convey his growing level of frustration. “It’s incredible that you’re able to get through to him so effectively when I have been trying to do the same for years now. I mean, stubborn is a kind word for him at this point and he continues to prove that at every moral junction we come to. No, not even just moral junctions; daily undertakings and productivity suffer constantly because of his unreliability! It’s just,” Logan sputtered a humorless laugh, his hands falling hard against his thighs. “Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.”

Janus paused after Logan’s rant came to an end, cocking his head thoughtfully. In the silence Logan caught his breath with a heavy sigh.

“Sorry, I … didn’t mean to blow up on you like that,” Logan apologized, dismissively shaking his head as embarrassment knotted his stomach.

“Oh no, it’s quite alright. Actually I appreciate it,” Janus quickly snuffed out Logan’s self consciousness. The words felt genuine enough and Logan took a deep breath in an attempt to quell the rising self resentment that predictably followed his emotional expression. “I was just contemplating your words, is all,” Janus continued reassuringly, and the sentiment took Logan by surprise. Why had he assumed Janus’ silence meant dismissal of his admission? “I suppose it simply comes down to a matter of communication methods,” Janus glanced to the side in a reflective pause. “You’re a teacher,” He continued after a moment, a gentle smile on his lips as he met Logan’s eyes again. “But Patton doesn’t take very well to being told things.” Logan snorted a knowing and arid laugh, but then thought on how Janus had communicated with Patton in the past.

“You also tell him things,” Logan’s brows furrowed. “He just seems to readily listen to you.”

“Ah, there’s a difference though,” Janus wagged a flimsy finger. “I don’t tell him anything he doesn’t already know at that point in the conversation. Patton’s like … a horse that desperately needs to drink, but refuses to, even when you bring the water to him directly. In such a case, you need to lead the horse to the water. But how do you get him there? Well, in Patton’s case, asking him questions that in turn make him question his own motives tends to work.”

“Ah, the Socratic method,” Logan interrupted as Janus paused.

“Exactly,” He nodded before continuing, “But more importantly, I hear his justifications. I try to see where he’s coming from so I can...clear a path, so to say, from his point A to wherever my point is.” Logan hummed thoughtfully and marveled at the amount of consideration Janus put into his communication with Patton.

It was admirable and Logan found himself agreeing, once again, with the many flattering adjectives Remus has used for his partner in the past. Graceful, patient, and ridiculously smart. His current explanation made a lot of sense, and Logan felt a bit stupid. He chuckled dryly and looked down, adjusting his glasses. Janus cocked his head, expression perplexed with raised brows.

“Did I say something funny?”

“No,” Logan sighed, “The opposite. You made a great point and I was wondering how I had never thought of that myself.” He admitted with an impressive amount of vulnerability. While the compliment felt nice, mostly Janus was now smiling with pride in Logan’s new found understanding and the handful of walls he had dropped in the process.

“Sometimes,” Janus sighed with a smile, approaching Logan as he had earlier; with steps that placed him just a little too close. “You just need some perspective.” He reached up with both hands and flattened Logan’s collar affectionately, the unexpected gesture making him inhale briskly. “I mean, we all do,” Janus continued, resting his fingers gently against Logan’s collar bones. “Not just you, of course.”

“Of course,” Logan repeated in a whisper that was more breath than words. Having Janus this close, he suddenly felt whatever intelligible response he may have had evaporate on his tongue as a heat quickly consumed his neck all the way to his cheeks.

Janus’ smile twitched wider as he lingered, mischievous amusement sparkling in his eyes. Logan was so easy to rile up; even with a foot between them right now, Janus could feel the attraction rolling off him like heat off concrete in the summer. If he continued to stand here, what would Logan do?

“How are you feeling now?” Janus asked after a silent moment. Under his hands, he could feel Logan’s heart rate pick up.

“Fine,” Logan answered automatically, the word cracking indecently. He cleared his throat which marginally brought his senses back. “Fine,” He repeated, shaking his head with a small smile. Janus thought the expression seemed a little forced.

“Good,” Janus nodded shallowly and paused for another beat before turning away, leaving the air around Logan significantly easier to breathe. “Well, if you need anything else,” Janus’ voice trailed off as he twisted the doorknob with one hand and raised another to delicately wave his fingers goodbye.

When his door clicked shut, Logan fell heavily back on his bed again with a groan that ended in a sigh.

Chapter One || Chapter Three

#loceit appreciation week #loceit week #loceitweek2021 #loceit #janus x logan #sanders sides fanfiction

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btsslowburnfic · 4 years ago

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Argument with Jin part 2

Part one found HERE

TW: infertility. Lots of people struggle with it, talking about it can help and I'm here if anyone needs an ear :) This is sooo much longer than a reaction but whatever. Enjoy this angsty/fluffy thing

Summary of part 1: Jin’s refusal to even go to the fertility specialist with you after 18 months of trying for a baby leads you,his wife, to walk out on him. ----------------

Jin sat on the couch stunned; crying on and off for the rest of the afternoon. He didn't want to call anyone because he didn't want his friends to know the two of you were fighting. Jin always kept up a cheerful front for the other members as the oldest member. He decided to try and get some sleep. Surely you would come back home after you felt better. He couldn’t bear to go back into the empty bedroom where the two of you had fought so he curled his long body up on the couch.

He woke up around 11 pm to a pitch black apartment. He resisted the urge to instantly start crying again.He took out his phone and texted you.

J: I’m so sorry. please come home.

He sat the phone down and went to get a drink. Mostly just to busy himself. He came back. Nothing.

J: Just let me know you're OK.

J: Please I love you. You don’t have to speak to me just let me know you’re safe or I won’t be able to stop thinking you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Y/N: I'm fine. I got to where I'm staying. J: I love you.

He didn't receive any more messages from you the rest of the night. He tried to play League of Legends but he just kept finding tears coming down his face again.

He finally fell asleep for around two hours. He threw on some jeans, a shirt, a mask, and a cap and headed into the BigHit building. “Hyung, are you ok? You look sick,” Jimin said as soon as Jin walked in the door.

“I just didn’t sleep well. I’m fine,” he replied. Jimin wasn’t convinced but decided not to press the issue.

The men all started to filter into the studio for choreography practice.

Jimin walked over to Yoongi upon his arrival, “Is everything ok with Jin?”

“I think so. Why?” Yoongi responded as he sipped an iced coffee.

“Just go look at him.” Jimin replied.

Yoongi walked over to where Jin was sitting on the floor half-assed stretching.

“There’s fresh coffee in the lounge if you want some,” he said as he squatted down next to

Jin. Jin looked up at Yoongi, and his puffy and bloodshot eyes were a dead giveaway. “Rough night?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jin replied quietly.

“Fine fine. But remember, we’re here for you.” he patted Jin’s thigh and stood back up. He walked across the practice room and over to Jimin.“Yeah. he’s not fine. "

“What can we do?” Jimin said, always the sensitive friend.

“Nothing right now. He doesn’t want to talk about it so we shouldn't force him to. Text your girlfriend though. Sometimes girls talk about this stuff.”

Jimin raised his eyebrows.”good idea!” he pulled his phone out and sent a quick message.

Jimin: Hey...have you heard from [y/n]? We think Jin is sick but he’s still at work this morning. SexyCutie: Oh no :( I’ll text [y/n].

SexyCutie:hey [y/n]. Is Jin sick? He showed up to work and the other guys are worried.

You looked at your phone. Goddammit. You should have known. Your group of friends, the other group members and their significant others all talked to each other. It was only a matter of time before someone knew something was going on. You tried to decide if you wanted to be diplomatic or not. Sitting in your sweatpants, bloated from your period, and still very much pissed off, you declined taking the high road.

[Y/N]: he’s not sick. We’re fighting. He was being a dick. I left the apartment.

Jimin heard a chirp on his phone a few minutes later. He opened his mouth in surprise at the message.

SexyCutie: He’s not sick. He and [Y/N] got into a big fight and she walked out. Sorry ;-;

Jimin showed his phone to Yoongi who nodded his head in understanding. He was very familiar with these feelings, having argued with his wife about their insane work schedule all the time. He’d spent several nights on the couch and in the studio. However, Jin and [Y/N] had been dating and married for years. He didn’t even know the two of you to argue, let alone have the type of fight where you would just walk out.

The choreographer walked in, signaling that it was time to begin practice. Not surprisingly, Jin half-assed his choreography. His movement was slow, his arms all over the place.

“Jin, hyung, what is going on? We need you here.” Hoseok, ever the strict one with choreography, chided him.

“Yeah. Sorry. I’ll get it,” Jin responded.

They continued a few more times, and Jin only got worse.

Jungkook walked over and tried to make a joke with him about how he looked like a windmill on crack, but Jin just stood there, not laughing.

Hobi was about ready to rip into him when Yoongi walked over to him and whispered, “[Y/N] walked out on him.”

The color drained on his face. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, so just. You know. Let’s just get through today.” Yoongi said, asking for understanding.

“Yeah, ok. Let’s run it again,” he said, sparing Jin the criticism.

They ran through it again, this time with Namjoon getting ready to say something to Jin about his shitty performance. “Namjoon, can you help me with something?” Jimin asked.

Namjoon took his sights off Jin and walked over to Jimin, “Sure what’s up?”

Jimin caught Joon up on the situation as well. “Oh man. That’s Bad. Like real bad. She’s usually so nice and chill.” he put his hands on his hips and turned around to face the rest of the room. “Alright guys, let’s go ahead and break for lunch.”

The staff members and five of the guys head out to the cafeteria. Yoongi stayed behind with Jin, shutting the door. “You’re fighting with [Y/N]?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jin replied, sliding down with his back against the wall to a sitting position.

“Do you know where she went?” Yoongi asked, pressing the issue slightly.

Jin looked up at him, his annoyance clear in his eyes. “It’s no one else’s business.”

Yoongi let out a sigh. “I know you try and keep all of this to yourself because you feel like you have to be the happy and strong one. And I respect you a lot for that. But you can’t always keep stuff like this inside. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, it’s fine. But you should talk to somebody about it.”

“She won’t even text me back,” Jin said quietly, his voice beginning to crack.

Yoongi puffed out his cheeks. “So she’s really upset. Should she be?”

Jin tipped his head back up and looked at the ceiling. His silence said as much as his words could.

“I assume you apologized already?” More silence. “Give her a few days. She’s probably at your brother’s. She’ll come around eventually. You two love each other. It will work out.”

“No. I fucked up really bad this time.” Jin squeaked out, tears falling down his face.

‘It’s nothing the two of you can’t talk about.” Yoongi held out his arm, “Come on, you need to

eat. You have to take care of yourself.” Jin took his hand and got up, still not speaking.

-----------------------

You ignored the rest of the messages from Jimin’s girlfriend. You didn’t want to blast your marital troubles out there more than you already had. You sat there, snuggled under the covers in bed at Jin’s parents house. When you left you had planned on going to Namjoon and his wife’s house but then decided you couldn't handle being around their baby; too painful. It was the same with Taehyung’s very pregnant wife. And just last week Jimin’s girlfriend had confided in you that she was expecting. Ugh. You were very happy for all of your friends, but it was just too much right now. And so, you found yourself a mere 2 minute walk away from your own apartment. Fortunately for you Jin’s mom hadn’t asked you what the problem was when you showed up carrying your bags and tears in your eyes, she just hugged you and took your things to the guest bedroom saying something about how “marriage is hard work sometimes.”

You snuggled up to your fluffy baby RJ pillow. You missed Jin but you were just still so angry. You kept replaying the shitty thing he said to you, “Maybe you could get pregnant if you weren't so sad all the time.” Jin was hardly ever mean to anybody; but never you. Even when he was tired or stressed out, he never took it out on you. You had no idea what your end game was. You wanted a baby. But not without Jin. But if he wasn’t willing to go to the doctor with you then what were you supposed to do? It seemed like such a small thing to ask especially after the 18 months you had been through. You sighed and walked out to get yourself a drink of water.

----------

The rest of practice went well enough with all the guys’ knowing well enough to leave Jin alone.

The guys all started saying their goodbyes. Namjoon walked over to Jin. “You going home?”

“No. I’m staying at the dorm tonight. I just can’t.” Jin’s voice cracked. “If she’s still not home, I can’t...” he couldn’t finish as he started sobbing again. While he was at work he was able to push his thoughts to the side but now that he had to deal with the fact that he should be going home to you, and instead had nothing to go home to, he found himself unable to cope.

“Hey man. Seriously. Just talk to her when she’s ready. Whatever happened between the two of you, think about why it happened and what you can do to keep it from happening again.”

“She won’t even answer me,” Jin cried.

“Did you apologize for what you specifically did? When I’m mad, people just saying “I’m sorry” seems like a fast way out, like a way to bandage something rather than actually fixing the problem. Maybe start there and see what happens.”

Jin sniffled as Namjoon handed him some tissue. “Ok, yeah. I’ll try that. I’m sorry I was worse than normal today. You even danced better than me,” he tried to joke. Namjoon rolled his eyes and smiled, “Good luck, hyung. A good marriage takes effort.” Jin nodded and pulled out his phone.

Jin: I can’t go home knowing you’re not there. I’m staying in the dorms. I love you. I’m sorry I said it was your fault we can’t get pregnant. If I could take it back I would. But I can’t. Please know it’s not your fault. Truthfully,I’m afraid it’s my fault we can’t have a baby and it’s my pride keeping me from wanting to go to the doctor. That doesn’t excuse anything. I would like to talk to you about this more in person.

You looked over at your phone. Jin’s mom had coaxed you out onto the coach by baking cookies and the two of you were watching an older K-Drama. You picked it up and read the message. Fresh tears stung your eyes. You pinched them shut and the tears rolled down.

“Is that Jin?” she asked.

“‘Yeah.”

“I don’t know what he did. I’m sure it was bad if you left though. But, I know my son and I know he loves you more than anything. I also know sometimes his mouth moves faster than his brain.”

“I know.” you answered quietly. You sighed and took out your phone.

[Y/N]: I appreciate the apology. I can talk tomorrow after work. I’ll see you at the apartment.

[Jin]: Thank you Jagiya. I love you so much.

You put your phone back down and settled into the couch once more. His mom thankfully didn’t try to ask you anything about it. You had definitely lucked out in the in-law department.

Jin slept slightly better that night knowing he was going to see you tomorrow. But he still didn’t know exactly what to say or what he should do to make it better.

He heard the door to the dorm open and shut and then the coffee grinder. Jin put a robe on and wandered out.

“Yoongi-ah what are you doing here? It’s 2 in the morning.” Jin asked, his eyes adjusting to the lights.

“Couldn’t sleep. My wife is out of town. Might as well be here,” he shrugged and poured the coffee grounds into the machine. “What about you?”

“[Y/N] is still gone, but she agreed to see me tomorrow.” Jin responded, feeling more like sharing now that he knew he was going to see you again.

“Good, good. How are you planning on fixing it?”

“I don’t really know how. I was just so scared of her leaving me.” Jin admitted.

“Well, I hope you have more to say before you meet her tomorrow. Coffee?” Yoongi offered.

Jin shook his head. How on earth could Yoongi be drinking coffee at 2 am? “Yeah. I know. Ok. I’ll tell you what happened. But don’t tell anyone else.”

Yoongi blinked slowly, still not 100% awake. He wasn’t sure he had heard correctly. “Yeah, ok.” Yoongi sat down at the kitchen island as Jin told him everything. How you had been trying for a baby for 18 months, how each month you bawled your eyes out, how you wanted to see a specialist, and how he had completely shut it down.

Yoongi sat his cup down. “Make the damn doctor’s appointment.”

“What?”

“Go get your shit looked at so you guys can have kids. It’s not a big deal. Joon and his wife had IUI. You might not even need to do anything like that. Just go and get tested.”

Jin’s eyes bugged out slightly, “Really?”

Yoongi shrugged, “Yeah. Like you said, it’s no one’s business, but if it helps you get over this weirdness you have about it I’m sure you could ask him about it.”

“I just don’t want them to stick a tube all up in there,” Jin gestured to his lap area.

Yoongi laughed, “That’s a vasectomy you idiot. That’s like the opposite: when you don’t want kids”

Jin’s face grew red. “I knew that...I was talking about…nevermind.”

“Look, I’ll text Joon and find out the doctor’s name. Make the appointment, show [y/n] you’re serious about it. And even if they wanted to stick a damn needle up there, your wife has to give birth. Man up.” Yoongi clapped him on the shoulder and heard towards the studios, “I’ll text Namjoon and get back with you.”

Jin was still red with embarrassment, “Thanks Yoongi-ah.”

--------------

You walked a block over to your apartment, wondering if Jin was already there or if you would be the first to arrive. Your eyes had bags under them and part of you was so excited to see jin. It had always been like that; ever since you first started dating him. Every time he came home from practice, from the tours, or even from the corner store, you were so excited to see his face. You pressed your fob to the door and walked in, seeing Jin’s shoes by the door. You put your purse down and removed your shoes, quietly walking into the living room. Jin was sitting on the couch with a laptop and notepad sitting out, which was very un-Jin like. You hadn’t seen him look remotely studious since he finished his Master’s degree.

His eyes looked up at you and his face softened, “Jagiya.” He walked over and wrapped his arms around you. You allowed yourself to relax into them. “I’m so sorry,” you heard him say as his lips pressed against the top of your head.

You let yourself stay there for another minute. “We need to talk about this.”

“Absolutely, come have a seat,” ge gestured to the couch. Jin was being so mature and grown-up, it really surprised you. You were afraid he was just going to hug you and point out his handsome face and try to get you to laugh, but he was actually taking this seriously.

You walked over to the sofa and sat down, trying hard not to snoop at what was written down on the paper.

He sat down beside you and took your hands in his. “I was a total idiot the other day. What I said to you was mean and unforgivable. I meant what I texted yesterday. It was my pride that has kept me from wanting to see a doctor because it makes me feel less manly to think that you know...that there’s something wrong…” he fidgets uncomfortably.

“With your sperm?” you continue.

He nods his head. This whole topic is clearly very uncomfortable for him. His entire face is red and he can’t look at you.

“But. If we want children. And I do. I want children with you [Y/N]. A little you and me running around here. I know that I need to just suck it up. I’m sorry that things had to come to this for me to make that realization.”

You had started to cry a little bit. Jin made eye contact with you for a second and gently wiped your tears away.

“I love you so much. And I was afraid you were going to leave me. And I’m nothing without you [Y/N]. You’re my home. Everything I do is meaningless if you’re not around to share it with me. So please, forgive me and try to forget that I ever blamed you for anything. You have been nothing but kind and patient with me.” he brings your hands up and kisses them.

“I love you too,” you whispered back, afraid that if you talk louder you'll start sobbing and won’t be able to stop.

“So, I’ve talked to a few people and this here is supposed to be one of the top fertility specialists in Seoul. I thought about just making the appointment but I didn’t want to do that without getting your opinion since it’s such an important thing.”

You couldn’t believe what you are hearing, you are so happy. You started crying for a different reason, “Are you serious?” you ask.

“Rarely. But today, right now, with you, about having a baby. Yes. Now this Dr. Helped Namjoon and his wife out as well and he has a lot of extra certifications and….” Jin went on and on about this doctor and you gently slid up next to him, grabbed his face and turned it towards yours for a kiss.

“Thank you so much Jin.”

“I should have done this 6 months ago when you first asked me,” he shook his head.

“Better late than never,” you said as you snuggled into his side. The two of you started writing down questions to ask the office; finally on the same page about the next step in this chapter of your lives.

#bts fanfic #bts fanfction #bts jin x you #bts jin x reader #bts seokjin x reader #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts fic #bts fluff #bts angst

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sometimesrosy · 4 years ago

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what now? idk

TBH, I don’t really know what to do with this blog now that The 100 is over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it’s over, but I feel like just posting kitties and cool photo posts isn’t a good use of this spot.

I really liked answering asks about the show and other stuff, and I kind of miss that, but not having the community makes it harder... even though I was unhappy with fandom for the last couple of years.

What should I put on this blog? What would you guys like to see, if there’s still anyone out there?

Let me tell you a bit of what I’m doing outside of tumblr or fandom or scifi.

Professionally, I’m ghostwriting contemporary romances. I’ve written about about 18 so far, in a couple of years. It’s hard work, it doesn’t pay real well. I can’t really suggest to other people, but it just manages to keep my head above water and I get to stay home and take care of myself and homeschool and write and be creative.

Reading wise, I’m leaning hard into the historical romances, and have been ever since I started ghostwriting. IDK why. I read one and write the other.

Writing wise, I am not getting very far on my science fiction books that I’m writing, nor am I getting far on querying for an agent for my finished novels. I’ve got Moonshine, which is based on a bellarke fic I wrote quite a few years ago, and then they’re Girl Of Freaks, which is a contemporary fantasy inspired by how annoyed twilight made me. Like. That’s not what vampires would be. Ugh. Whatever. That’s two finished novels I have that are ready for publication and me, having problems with querying and publication and staying on task. (sometimes I wonder if I too am ADHD after researching for my son’s ADHD. I have been doing a little poetry, too, although that kind of slowed down in the pandemic. It seems to be picking up now that we have a decent not terrifying president. I think I was too anxious to get my thoughts together to write poetry, which was disappointing because I was really getting into poetry.

I am ALSO homeschooling my two teens. One of whom is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, etc, and one of whom wants to raise chickens. They’re 14 and 15. He’s older. We’re reading greek mythology write now and writing essays. He writes about philosophy and psychology, and she writes persuasive essays about how we should have Disney+ and have chickens.

That goes along with the gardening we’re doing. It’s a school project, but we’re also gardening for fun and health. so. We’re trying blueberries and green beans and spinach and herbs and tomatoes and ginger.

Then I’m getting back into art, too. I took on a challenge on instagram to do 100 days of creativity. I don’t really know WHAT I’m going to do, but it’s essentially 100 days of art journaling as I rediscover what the hell I have to say as an artist. I’ve been doing so much writing that is where my energy goes.

I am also working on an e-course about Writer’s Block. It’s specifically for writers, because I’ll be showing some writing hints, but a lot of it goes for general creativity. My main thesis is that writer’s block shouldn’t terrify us, but really if we pay attention and listen to what’s stopping us, we can actually learn about our own writing process and become better and happier writers. It’s turned out to be MUCH larger than I thought, a whole book, I suppose, rather than one e course, so I’ve broken it down into four courses, and I’m doing the first one on Overwhelm, which is self explanatory. The other three are; Fear (the internal demons that stop you,) The Narrative Itself (because your subconscious knows there’s a problem with the story itself,) and Not A Block, But a Fallow Period (in which you listen to yourself and DON’T write for a while.)

I suppose I’m also doing the health thing. I have hashimotos, which is basically why I was so sick for most of my time here and could barely get out of bed. Because of that, I’m eating gluten free and mostly natural, although ice cream and dark chocolate doesn’t seem to do any harm to me. So that means I’m also doing a lot of cooking, because processed food always seems to make me sick. Fun. On top of that I’m doing some easy going Yin yoga, or restorative IDK exactly what kind it is, but it’s mainly to manage pain and stay flexible after writing all day in a chair.

So why post this?

Because I guess I want to know if I should be posting stuff from my real life? Before, almost everything I posted was a response to an ask that someone sent me, so my entire blog was reader driven. Now I don’t really have that anymore, so it’s hard to know what anyone wants to hear, especially since I’m not doing that deep dive analysis into fandom or really any content. Any analysis I do is going to be impressions, or initial thoughts, not a dissertation like before. (It’s healthier for me that way.)

So the question is, what do y’all want to hear about? Posts on homeschooling? Why? Most of you aren’t doing that? Do you want to talk to me about the historical romance books I’m reading? I could do that, but they can blur together, especially at the speed I read them. And because I reread the ones I really like a lot. I can’t really tell you about the books I’m ghostwriting since I signed a contract not to blab. They’re fun, I think. But you know.

I could post my art work, idk. Not all of it is good. A lot of it is just about discovery. I could post poetry. I still haven’t figured out how to format poetry on this weird website. IDK maybe screenshots. I could post what’s happening in the garden. I could write about my ecourse and about writer’s block. Which I don’t have, obviously, since I am writing 3k words a day ghostwriting-- except I DO have it, every day. But I’ve managed coping strategies to work with it. I’m actually using it to deal with my struggles doing the e course. Listen this is how I get words on the page.

I mean I post a lot of this stuff already on instagram instagram https://www.instagram.com/rowenamurillo/ and on twitter https://twitter.com/rosymamacita1 I’m mostly doing writer twitter, some romancelandia, some politics and feminism a touch of tv and movies.

#wow that's a lot of words about me #did you know i don't really like to write about me? anyway #what is tumblr without fandom anyway?

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wroammin · 4 years ago

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a hero’s welcome

word count: 1445

warnings: self-loathing, panic attacks, crying, slight gore (because remus)

summary: roman hides out in his room after the events of putting others first. the other sides try to show him how much he’s missed in their own special ways.

once again, happy birthday to the man, the myth, the himbo: roman sanders

it takes weeks for roman to come out of his room after janus reveals his name.

the others worry almost constantly about his well-being, but after multiple failed attempts at convincing him to come out for movie nights, video recordings, or even just food, they can only hope that roman will come around on his own eventually.

and he does. slowly.

it starts with a few missing disney movies from the TV cabinet, a half-eaten jar of logan’s off-limits crofter’s (which both logan & remus swear they did not touch) left mysteriously on the kitchen counter, and then, on one particularly late night for logan, a brief, silent encounter with a bleary-eyed prince in search of a cup of water.

logan notices roman is looking more bedraggled than bedazzled, with wrinkles running all across his costume and dark-colored bags under his eyes that are eerily reminiscent of virgil’s eyeshadow.

no words are exchanged, but as logan carefully hands roman a glass which he’s filled nearly to the brim, roman knows no words are necessary. he can practically recite logan’s self-care spiel by memory anyway.

eventually, the disney movie collection in the TV cabinet dwindles down to a Frozen DVD (which they’d all recently rewatched anyway), and the old, dusty VHS copy of Black Cauldron (which roman’s never particularly liked). seeing as it’s his personal favorite disney movie, virgil tries not to feel too offended by that.

what virgil can’t stop himself from feeling, however, is worry. it’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him, of course, but it doesn’t make him any less uncomfortable.

he tries all of the usual things to calm his nerves: sitting on strange surfaces, fiddling with a fidget cube, rewatching The Nightmare Before Christmas, napping excessively, and—naturally—blasting music through his bulky headphones.

but even with My Chemical Romance screaming out of his speakers, virgil simply can’t ignore the alarming absence of that familiar, sash-framed figure.

despite his quarrelsome quips with the prince, virgil can admit that there’s always been a certain... comfort to hearing roman’s boisterous voice belting broadway ballads down the halls, or seeing him dash off on another adventure to defeat the dragon witch for the umpteenth time.

it’s when virgil’s sullenly staring at roman’s usual spot, in the corner of his room, that an idea suddenly strikes him.

the next morning, roman sneaks down to the living room in the early hours of the day after deciding that rewatching Frozen (again) doesn’t sound so bad after all. he opens the movie cabinet to find a bit of a surprise in the form of a The Nightmare Before Christmas DVD with a scrap of paper taped hastily to the cover. the chicken scratch scrawled onto the sheet is hard to decipher, but he manages to see it reads:

“i have my own backup copy and i’ll hit play at 8pm tonight. you can do it too, so then we can sort of watch the movie together. i’ll let you pick tomorrow’s movie, if you want to, but fyi i will be picking black cauldron the next time it’s my turn. -virgil”

roman smiles subtly as he makes his way back up to his room, the first flicker of joy he’s felt in a while.

he sits down to watch the movie at 8pm, just like virgil instructed.

for the next night, he chooses aladdin, and for the night after that, he begrudgingly agrees to watch black cauldron.

twenty minutes into the film, virgil hears a haste knock at his door. before he even knows what’s happening, roman is shuffling inside and curling up on the couch next to him.

unsurprisingly, the tired prince falls asleep before the movie finishes. surprisingly, virgil doesn’t actually mind all that much.

meanwhile, patton has nearly eaten his way through the entire cookie stock in the pantry.

it’s not a healthy coping mechanism for his sadness, he knows, but it’s not like he can just go and ask roman to conjure up some puppies for him instead. patton sniffles at the thought, which serves as a painful reminder of how roman was always there for him when he was feeling down, and how patton can’t do the same for him now.

the others hold an intervention for him after logan finds him sobbing over some reheated spaghetti because it made him think of roman. virgil then explains how he’s been watching movies with roman, and how patton can leave some snacks for the prince in the cabinet along with a note if he wants to send a message.

that very night, patton stays up past midnight to prepare some spaghetti with extra, extra love (& cumin) for roman. he draws him a card and writes a message inside, then sticks it to the top of the tupperware container containing the spaghetti using glitter glue.

upon discovering patton’s care package beside virgil’s usual note inside the cabinet, roman feels his mood suddenly shift.

he thinks of the days he spent sobbing for hours inside of his room and staring in the mirror and pacing back and forth and staring in the mirror and laying on his bed and staring in the mirror and working through the tears and staring in the mirror and then slicing a line clean through the mirror with his sword and watching his reflection split in two.

those weren’t good days.

but then he thinks of patton’s pleading, hopeful voice whenever he would call him down for movie nights, video recordings, or food.

maybe patton wasn’t lying when he said roman was loved. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to see him and the others out in the open again. maybe there were better days ahead.

remus, however, doesn’t wait around for roman to feel better. as always, he continuously swings by his brother’s room whenever he feels like it and leaves whenever he pleases.

still, his visits aren’t as fun anymore. perhaps he just doesn’t have the energy, but roman no longer bothers to shriek at remus to get out of his room or to push remus off his desk when he drapes himself across it.

not even the severed, mutilated head that remus kindly leaves on roman’s pillow elicits its usual slew of creative curse words, so the duke decides to step up his game.

he skips casually into roman’s room one late afternoon, lazily swinging his morning star at his side and whistling a jaunty tune. as usual, roman doesn’t spare him a single glance. he’s staring down at some kind of crayon-covered card.

it only takes one hit to knock roman out, but dragging him into the living room is a much more difficult process.

the other sides are already waiting, just like janus promised they would be. they rush over and prop roman up on the couch. patton gives remus a few reprimanding words, virgil sends him a couple scowls, and even logan looks on with more disapproval than usual, but they quickly forget their anger at him as soon as roman groans groggily and slowly blinks open his eyes.

remus takes that as his cue to leave. janus is waiting at the top of the stairs.

“so you’re sure that this plan of yours is going to work?”

janus scoffs. “of course i am. though, have you considered that perhaps you’re just not as annoying to your brother anymore?”

“have you considered that perhaps i could start leaving chopped heads on your pillow instead if your ‘master plan’ fails?” remus shoots him the prettiest, toothiest smile he can muster.

janus’ expression darkens. “well. i suppose it’s a good thing i’m certain it will work, then.”

the sound of laughter bubbles up from the living room. janus doesn’t bother to hide his satisfied smirk.

“i’ll say, when you told me you could help me get roman back to normal, forcing him to attend a party was not what i had in mind.”

“do i even want to know what you had in mind?” janus gives him a quick side glance.

remus’ eyes light up. “well–”

“rhetorical question, remus. ugh, maybe i should start saying ‘figuratively’, as well. anyway, yes, i thought it was about time roman stopped sulking. so, what better way to get him out of his room than by having a, uh, hero’s welcome of sorts for him?”

“well, i got him out of his room by dragging him by his feet.”

janus sighs, wondering why he even opens his mouth to speak anymore.

his plan better work.

though, judging by the sound of patton and logan’s exhasperated sighs as roman and virgil argue over which movie to watch, he has the sneaking suspicion it will.

#me looking at the warnings on this like hm yes. this is totally fluffy birthday material #also if anyone has any idea what’s going in this lmk because i have No idea and i’ve read it like thirty times #and remember to roast me for any typos you find #sanders sides #thomas sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #roman angst #bullet fic #sanders sides fanfiction #fanfic #emma’s stuff #crying #long post

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jcfoxington · 3 years ago

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@sambambucky : “pls... Pastels, Peaches and Pain??? among us first draft??? marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts (it’s not an au!?!??!)

hi jo !!! Pastels, Peaches, and Pain is one of those sambucky wips i have mostly fully fleshed out in my head because of one (1) extreme moment of clarity after a rogue ‘what if’ tangent thought but havent written anything of yet out of restraint / knowing i need to finish at least one of my current sambucky wips before i start it or none of them will get done

this was the rogue tangent thought: “what if Sam is haunted by Figaro’s ghost and has been since he was a kid?”. i’ve changed the ghost cat to not be Figaro but that’s the premise !

i refer to the fic as the cat fic ‘cause the whole plot is based around sam’s ghost cat companion insisting he adopts nat’s cat Liho after endgame and then Figaro later and then [insert redacted because plot spoilers but just know it relates to Alpine]. no im not projecting my feelings about cats idk what youre talking about

here’s some note snippets just for you:

the cat, inexplicably, takes a liking to bucky, which is really annoying bc sam doesnt know how to explain to him that all the oddly soft gusts of wind are actually sam's dead cat insisting on getting pats

bucky getting shade thrown at him by said ghost cat during all of tfatws + them making up (and not out. yet)

starts when sam's a kid & follows him as he grows up w/ a ghost kitty as a companion only he can see & interact with + angst with an undertone of comedy + getting together

he whispers to ghost kitty, who simply mmrrs happily

for the among us first draft thing, what basically happened is i saw this tweet and this video and my brain latched onto these dynamics so hard i had to write about them.

here’s a sketch of my two main imposters, Black (left) and Cyan (right):

and here’s a snippet:

The thing having Cyan pause and stare out at the asteroid field is how the colors stretch to family. When they and Black came aboard, they had thought every crewmember was an adult working on the planet-change project. That the patch of off-white with a black something-pattern-or-shape signified status. In a way, Cyan supposes it does, but just not the way they expected. They had expected it to show what rank an individual held within the hierarchy of the crew, from deckhand to division leader to captain, not to show that you're family of the crew and not actually part of the crew itself.

There are innocents on this ship. Children. It was not something any of them had anticipated, and not something Cyan had been prepared to deal with. They and Black boarded this horrible place to eradicate a threat, believing each and single one of the humans were accomplishes and dedicated to the goal of destroying Cyan and Black's species, and their planet. But, now?

marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts... doesn’t have a wip title or seperate document for itself yet cause it’s been stuck in my ‘story ideas’ document since its creation. so ‘marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts’ is literally just me describing the vibe of an original world gjkerfkds

the world came to be for two reasons. firstly, i want to do make take on a superhero universe because the plot and complete lack of communication in both the dcu and mcu piss me the fuck off. secondly, needed a place to dump ocs with elaborate backstories or fantasy / sci-fi abilities that dont fit into any of my existing worlds

which sounds super competent but trust me, it isn’t. it didn’t gain any solidity at all until i decided to do a personal ‘how different can i make spn castiel look & still retain the same vibe?’ challenge. i have my own cas now

however, the reason i said ‘marvel meets...’ is because i’ve snagged a couple of different things from the mcu, most notably: enemies to reluctant coworkers to lovers, yes our best friend have the same name. no they’re not the same person, secret evil org is controlling the government, and the assassin that tried to kill you several times is now your best friend

warframe was added to the world because i got attached to my Volt build, gave them a name, and have some headcanons idk what to do with because i refuse to interact with that fandom. also because the friend i made through discussing warframe lore + plot dicked me over so it feels Bad to create for

the glue to this whole mess is that one “in every friend group there’s a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, a she/they, a he/they, a himbo, an astrology bitch, a short king, and a token straight” tumblr post. my main group of superheroes ala the avengers consist of these people. the token straight is the only one i havent figured out who is yet

ever since i figured that out ive been throwing story / character ideas and weirdly specific aesthetics from popular tumblr posts into this world’s notes. here’s some examples:

sword grandmas

that trope where someone’s really nice and acts super well-adjusted to society but then they do something super whack and dangerous and you realize ‘oh they’re secretly a little bit insane, actually’

anti-gay group’s leader’s wife leaves him for another woman

superhero who swore to be the best hero [city / planet / solar system / continent / ????] has ever seen ever since he lost his wife. not because she’s dead but divorce just sucks & the hero-to-be is terrible at coping

dishevelled swamp witch

that one person who runs around with an amulet all the time & isn’t aware it’s cursed

an exasperated, tired superhuman assassin running after their husband and their husband's best friend. their husband and said husband's best friend both have wings. chaos ensues (yes, this one is a sambucky post)

ask me about my WIPs!

BONUS:

@sambambucky : #i want to have a coffee and listen to synopses of all of these.... #i miss the discord wow #WRITING TAG #waitttt time jumping dream movie? lmao I'VE READ THIS LIST FORTY TIMES and every time i rediscover something i wanna know about #outfit doodlesss ugh i need to go

couldnt not respond to your tags because they make me go ghrkjfnerknf but in the good way. we miss you too jo !!

the time jumping dream movie was one of the first vivid dreams i had and the whole thing was so stupidly coherent and whacky i had to write it down. it grew plot, a queer love dynamic, weird sci-fi apocalypse elements, anti-military propaganda, questionable science, and a sequel while i wasnt looking and now i just. have to make it a real movie or i’ll combust

outfit djoodlles.png is only on there because my best friend sent me a ‘draw this outfit’ meme and space kitty, my current character brainrot, stole all the outfits for himself. otherwise, that file just sits there until im feeling like designing an outfit or wanna see how a stupid thing looks on my oc patrick

here’s one of the two poses-to-doodle-outfits-on of space kitty ive made so far:

and here’s one of those stupid things on patrick (that then turned into an actual outfit of his because i have no self control):

#.jax speaks #.my art #.my writing #tysm for the interest jo !!!#if you have literally any questions or if youre serious about the synposes thing...#i love rambling abt my stupid brain people #i WILL answer all your questions #even if the answer is 'good question! ive got no clue'#.patrick mortensen #.space kitty #.pastels peaches and pain #.the among us thing #.marvels meets warframe meets tumblr posts #.time jumping dream movie

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smileyjaeminies · 4 years ago

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New Beginnings

Synopsis: Yet another new beginning for you and your family finds you completely unprepared. How will you cope with the new environment? What happens when unnecessary drama weasels into your quiet life?

Word Count: 6,5 k

Genre: high school au!, angst, fluff

Warnings: Fighting, some cursing

Member: Jisung, ft Felix, Yeji (Itzy) and Geonhak (Oneus)

A/N: This one is dedicated to the person who shared my dream even though we didn’t get to make it happen together. To the person that is only a text away to hear me scream about one thing or the other. I hope you enjoy this one love.

“Okay. You can do this” you told yourself.

You were sitting in your car in your brand new school's parking lot, your thoughts getting louder as the only sound heard was the AC. Even the simple task of parking your car seemed like a huge hurdle, as busy groups of teenagers hung out around their friends’ cars.

It was just your luck, your mother’s job making you move yet again after five years in sunny Miami. You couldn’t help but be heartbroken as you left your friends behind, packing up your room for the nth time and hitting the road. But, of course, it was just one year. Your senior year was before you and you couldn’t wait to be out of the house and in college sooner rather than later.

With one last breath, you pushed your thoughts to the back of your mind, picking up your backpack from the passenger seat and walking out of your car. Your new school loomed over you, the building looking extremely intimidating as you stood in front of it. Your fist was tightly wrapped around a piece of paper filled with instructions that the school had provided you with.

So, the first item on your check list was finding your locker. The number was D-31, but you worried over how you’d manage to find it. The small map on your hands provided little help, so you would have to settle for your luck. Walking up the steps, you entered the building only to find it bustling with people. Loud voices were heard from every direction, students trying to find each other in the hallways and people walking back and forth.

You sighed, eyes desperately trying to find an indication as to where to look for your locker. You decided to go further inside and try your luck there. The hallways seemed to you like a puzzle, one you desperately wanted to solve. You passed by other students who paid you no mind, longing to meet with their friends after the long summer break.

You too, longed for your best friend, Yeji, to be there. You wished you could’ve taken her with you, for being without her left you feeling bare and lonely. You shook those thoughts away, your nails instinctively burying themselves to the flesh of your palm, half-moons of pain helping you regain your focus. It was no use thinking about things you couldn’t help.

At that moment, your eyes met with the indicator for hallway D. Your heart picked up at your chest, finding this small silver lining the highlight of your day. You quickly located your locker, D-31 and rushed to unpack your backpack, which was overflowing with textbooks. There would be time to decorate later, but for now, your mind was set in leaving your books and getting to English.

You were still stacking your books when you felt your phone buzz in the pocket of your jacket. With a glance at your phone’s screen, you were met with your brother’s face and you didn’t hesitate to pick up the call.

“Hey, ‘Hak,” you said.

“Well if it isn’t the new girl! How are you little one? How was moving? Sorry I couldn’t be there” your brother said, talking quickly.

“Geonhak I swear I hate being the new girl so much. It took me like ten minutes just to find my locker! Ugh, I can’t believe you’ve left me all alone” you whined into the phone.

“Sorry little one, but I’m trying to get an education here? You know so I can possibly work and make money one day?” he teased you.

“Yeah right, just say that you couldn’t get your hands off that new girl of yours and let’s get it over with. I know you have no time for your baby sister anyways” you teased him in return.

“Look, I’m going to be there next week, alright? Just hang in there for a little while.” he said, his tone turning serious.

“I know, ‘Hak. I’ll be just fine, don’t worry” you reassured him.

With a few last words, you ended the call, shoving your phone back in your jacket’s pocket and facing your locker once again. You had placed the map of the school somewhere in your binder in a hurry and now, you couldn’t find it. Typical.

Just then, you felt someone lean on the locker next to yours. You paid no mind, still focused on the task at hand, only sparing the boy a few glances through your peripheral vision.

“You’re the new girl, aren’t you?” he asked, a gummy smile lighting up his face.

You were stunned, looking at him wide eyed. How..?

“Is it that obvious?” You asked him.

“No! Not at all. I’m just- I’m Han Jisung, the class president? The secretary told me that this would be your locker” the boy, no, Jisung, told you.

Your mouth formed an ‘oh’ at his explanation and you nodded your head. You introduced yourself too, shaking his hand to top it all off. Jisung was still smiling, which caused a smile to spread on your face as well. You instantly felt better now that you at least knew someone’s name.

“Can I take a look at your timetable?” Jisung asked.

“Uhm, sure, but why?” you asked, already fumbling with the papers to find your timetable.

“You’ll see.” Jisung said, taking your timetable off of your hands.

His eyes made quick work of the small board, as he fumbled his pockets for something. He finally found what he was looking for, taking out a pen from his pocket. He unclasped the lid, holding it between his teeth as he circled certain classes on your schedule.

You stood in silence as you watched him, still not quite sure what was happening. Once he was done, he put the pen back into one of his pockets and turned to face you.

“Well we’re not sharing too many classes but at least it’s something. Let’s get you to English now, shall we?” Jisung asked.

Having connected the dots, you took your timetable back, shoving it inside your locker before installing your new lock. With a small nod at Jisung to indicate you’re ready, you were off.

You noticed that Jisung was good at making small talk and you were grateful to see that he was content to do all the talking as you simply nodded or provided small input to his train of thought. You finally arrived at your classroom and Jisung was quick to say goodbye.

“I’m going to run off to Chem. See you later Y/N!” Jisung said, waving goodbye at you.

You were left to enter the classroom by yourself, so you did just that. Only a few people were in the classroom already, which left you much room to pick your seat. You chose a seat in one of the middle rows and next to the window, settling down quickly as more and more people started pouring in the classroom.

A boy took the seat next to yours, pointing at his friend to take the seat in front of him. You spared glances at them, too shy to say hello. As they sat down, their chairs scratched the floor, making you wince at the sound. The boy next to you noticed your discomfort, offering you an apologetic smile.

“Sorry” he mouthed to you.

You nodded, giving him a shy smile back. He was about to introduce himself when the teacher walked in, causing the room to grow silent. When taking attendance, you learned that the boy’s name was Lee Felix, making a small note in your mind for his name. The teacher then used your first meeting to walk you through the syllabus for his class.

When the teacher announced you’ll have a big group project, you felt yourself sigh. You should’ve expected it, and yet you found yourself completely unprepared. Your leg bounced up and down as you got increasingly more nervous, your head already picturing your failure. That’s when you heard a whisper come from the boy next to you.

“Hey, Y/N, wanna group with us?” Felix asked.

You smiled at him, nodding your head and feeling a wave of relief wash over you. Felix beamed at you in return, returning his attention to the teacher. The rest of the lesson flew by, the loud ringing of the bell making you jump in your seat. You chuckled at yourself, hurrying to pick up your things and get to your next class.

“Y/N?” Felix asked from beside you.

“Yeah?” you answered.

“Can I have your number? Or maybe your insta? You know, for the project?” he asked.

“Sure” you replied, taking his phone off of his hands and adding yourself on his Instagram and his contacts.

“What’s your next class?” he asked as you both exited the classroom together.

“Algebra I think, I have to check though, I have the memory of a goldfish” you joked.

Felix chuckled, nodding his head in understanding.

“Ugh, Algebra it is. My least favourite subject” you whined.

“Same here. What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?” Felix said with a laugh. “Good thing we’ll be together there too! I’ll grab some books from my locker and I’ll see you there?”

You nodded at him, a smile lighting up your face. Maybe making friends wouldn’t be as hard as you thought after all.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jisung was sitting on top of the table at the cafeteria, Hyunjin and Seungmin sitting on either side of him, talking about one thing or the other. His eyes were trained up front, watching the doors that led to the cafeteria closely and waiting for you to walk in. He took lazy bites off of his sandwich despite not feeling too hungry at the moment. He knew very well that he would regret it later if he didn’t eat now.

As he waited, he was able to tune out his friends’ conversation and get lost inside his own thoughts. The whole day, he wasn’t able to get you off his mind… But why? Why was the shy new girl affecting him so much? It didn’t make sense. Jisung barely dated and had little to no interest in the girls in his year. So why now? Why you?

Finally, your familiar form walked in, head hanging low and eyes trained to your feet. Jisung leaped from his seat, dropping his half eaten sandwich and making his way towards you, lips turning upwards into a smile. His smile faltered as he saw you glance back, Felix falling into step with you.

He tried to shake his darkening thoughts away, despite feeling something in him growl. He should be happy you were able to find a friend, he could tell from the get go you were a shy person. He couldn’t expect you to talk exclusively to him, right?

He reached your side and rejoiced when you smiled widely as your eyes met.

“Hey, Y/N!” he greeted you.

“Hey, Jisung!” you smiled back at him.

“I was waiting for you! I wanted to ask you to sit with us for lunch, if you want.” he offered.

Your smile fell for a brief second, your eyes widening. You glanced around and Jisung could almost see the gears inside your head turning.

“I’m sorry, Jisung, but I already told Felix we’d be eating together. Maybe another time?” you offered.

Jisung’s eyes broke away from yours, at last meeting Felix’s who was watching a couple of steps away. The other boy was already looking at him, raising an eyebrow as if to pose a challenge. Jisung refused to give in. Instead, he smiled even wider and turned to you.

“Sure thing! You want me to walk you to your next class? I can meet you by your locker if you’d like” he said.

“That’d be lovely. I’ll see you in a bit then?” you asked.

“See you in a bit, Y/N” he said, walking back to his friends.

He stared at his half eaten sandwich in disgust, grabbing it off of the table and hurling it into a nearby trash bin. He plopped down on a chair, heavy sigh leaving his lips which made his friends turn their attention to him.

“What was that about?” Seungmin asked.

“Nothing. Just class president stuff. What were you saying?” Jisung asked.

-----------------------------------

Months passed by in a flash and getting used to a new environment had never felt so easy to you. There were people you only talked to here and there, a couple of people you talked with exclusively in class. Felix on the other hand had been a huge help, his healing nature helping you wind down, his loud laugh and constant screaming making you laugh so much your stomach hurt and tears streamed down your face. Even without your project, you hang out together a lot and he had become a precious friend to you.

You had also grown much closer to Jisung, who had grown to be one of your closest friends. You were usually to be found hanging around either of their two boys, both struggling to help you fit in their inner circle. But you were content. You kept in contact with your old friends, while still hanging out with your new ones. Geonhak visited as often as he could, which always made you very happy.

Currently, you were laying on Jisung’s living room couch, having your weekly ‘How To Get Away With Murder’ hang out. However, your mind was currently preoccupied, so you paid little attention to the TV.

Your thoughts were swarmed as from this week onward, you could be expecting your college acceptance letters. Deciding your major and your school of choice wasn’t hard, your love for literature and English as a language only growing as you got older. On the other hand, both your parents were Yale alumni, so the love for the same university had passed down to you.

Your hands were fidgeting on your lap as your thoughts continued to race. You had sent out an application that you considered almost perfect. You had done your best to present yourself as someone the university would like, without lying or over exaggerating. But would it be enough?

As much as you tried not to think of the worst possible outcome, that’s exactly what your mind would play out. Different scenarios danced in front of you, from making grammar or spelling mistakes to not sending out the correct papers. You sighed heavily, your arm coming to support your head, which felt like it would explode.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Jisung asked.

That’s when you noticed the show was paused on the TV screen and Jisung’s attention was directed at his phone.

“It’s complicated. Or actually, not that much. I’m just stressed” you confessed.

“You want me to get you home? It’s okay if you’re not feeling the show right now” Jisung said.

“No. I’ll try to focus on this, I need to get my mind off of things anyway.” you told him, firmly shaking your head.

“Good. You know I barely understand a thing if you don’t explain it to me” Jisung joked.

You took his words as a compliment, which made you smile. You turned your attention back to the show, you and Jisung making easy small talk about the character’s decisions, or lack thereof.

The end of the episode found you all but screaming at the television. The cliffhanger was big, your anger was burning at your insides. You were standing on the couch, hands directed at the TV as if you were ready to hit it.

Jisung laughed from the couch next to yours, familiar with your shenanigans. When the screen turned black, you plopped back onto the couch dramatically.

“I’m going to faint. Then, when I wake up, I’m going to find the writers of this damn show and I’m going to murder them. And I’m gonna get away with it too” you announced.

Jisung laughed at you, enjoying your dramatic nature.

“Want to go for a drive? It’ll help get your mind off of things” he offered.

“One condition” you said, looking at him nodding without moving from your position. “I want McDonald’s”

“I live to serve you, milady” he said, giving a small bow.

You giggled, getting up and pulling on your coat and shoes. The air outside was unforgiving, relentlessly blowing in every direction, messing with your hair and making you shiver. At least it’s not snowing, you thought.

Jisung’s car was cold when you filed into it. It roared to life and Jisung wasted no time to turn the heat up. Pulling out of the driveway, he drove further into the city. Turning up the radio to an unknown station, you were met with loud country music, making both of you burst into laughter. You fumbled a little bit until you found something to your liking, allowing the car to be filled with some generic pop song.

“You know” you spoke up, “It’s days like these I miss Miami the most”

Jisung hummed, thinking over your words before answering.

“Well, it’s justified, you know? It’s okay that you miss your friends. It’s okay that you’ve made new ones too. It’s like... Like how we’re going to uni soon. We’ll meet new people there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ll forget our old friends. One doesn’t have to rule out the other” he finished.

You nodded, not able to find an answer. Your thoughts drifted, as Jisung stayed focused on the road, the car moving through the city’s streets. The silence was comfortable, as there was not much to say, but you didn’t mind. On the contrary, you enjoyed being alone with your thoughts, but at the same time without being completely on your own.

Jisung pulled up on the McDonald’s drive thru, expertly placing your order along with his. As he pulled up to pay and wait for your order to be ready, you smacked his arm.

“Hey! What was that for?” he asked, rubbing the place where you hit him.

“You didn’t ask what I wanted? What if I wanted a Big Mac or something?” you scolded him.

“Please! As if you’d eat anything but the nuggets. Tons of the nuggets, sure. But not a burger. It just isn’t you.” he said.

If you weren’t as busy hiding your blush, you may have noticed Jisung biting on the inside of his cheek.

“Oh fuck you” you finally managed, to which Jisung only replied with a smile.

“Don’t you dare!” you said, hitting his arm once again.

Jisung let out a yelp, his hand coming up to protect his face.

“If you keep hitting me, I’ll throw you out of the car. And I’ll eat your nuggets” he warned.

“Not the nuggets!” you cried, both of you chuckling.

Just then, you pulled up on the next window, a lady handing you a brown bag filled with your food. You politely thanked her before Jisung drove off. You lunged for the bag, finding your nuggets and happily taking a bite off of one.

“Look at you, you’re beaming! Food is literally the way to your heart, isn’t it?” he asked.

“I will neither confirm nor deny this statement. Now pull up somewhere or I’m going to eat your fries too” you threatened him.

“Yes ma’am!” Jisung complied with a laugh.

You made some small talk as you ate, your conversation flowing naturally from one topic to the other. You felt happy, so glad Jisung was able to quiet down your racing thoughts and help you wind down.

Your ringtone made you pause mid-sentence, as you sent Jisung an apologetic look. He shrugged you off, ushering you to pick up. Lixie shone brightly on your phone screen, a meme picture of Felix dominating it. You answered the call, only to be met by constant screaming on the other end of the line.

“Y/N!!!!!!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! MY MOM AGREED TO GET ME A KITTY! Y/N I’M GETTING A KITTY DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MOMENT?” Felix screamed.

“Oh my God, Felix, calm down for a second my ear is bleeding!! On the other hand, A KITTY? WHEN ARE YOU GETTING IT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TAKING CARE OF A CAT YOU IDIOT, YOU CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF?!” you screamed in return.

“Y/N, I’m actually so scared, I want to be a good cat father, what am I going to do?” he asked.

“Look, I have some studying to do tomorrow, then I’m coming at yours so I can train you, okay?” you asked.

“Yes, Y/N, I knew you’d pull through! Thank you so much! I love you!” Felix said.

“I love you too. But I have to go now, I’ll text you later” you said, ending the call.

When you turned back to Jisung, you found him avoiding your eyes.

“That was Felix. He’s getting a kitty” you spoke up.

“So I heard. I think the whole block did too” Jisung said.

“Yeah, sorry about that” you tried to laugh it off, but Jisung didn’t follow.

“Jisung are you okay?” you asked, placing your hand on top of his on the center console.

He didn’t flinch, but you could tell the weight of your hand over his didn’t offer the comfort you wished it would. A few moments passed by, the silence in the car becoming overbearing.

“I think I should be getting home” you said, recoiling to the passenger’s seat.

“Okay” Jisung replied, driving off.

The drive was quiet, music standing in place of your familiar banter. You couldn’t put your finger on what made Jisung so sensitive. Felix would call or text sometimes while you were together, making Jisung completely shut down. You really couldn’t understand his behaviour, and everytime you tried to talk to him about it, he would brush it off.

The more you thought about his behaviour, anger, mixed with sadness and helplessness boiled inside of you. What were you supposed to do? Be alone until Jisung graced you with his presence? Stop hanging out with Felix? Or just take his rude behaviour, accept anything just because it was Jisung?

No. It wouldn’t stand.

“You know, if there’s something wrong, I wish you could tell me. I can’t just keep guessing why you’re acting this way or another.” you said, your eyes fixed on the buildings passing by your side.

“What? Where is this coming from?” Jisung asked.

“Please don’t pretend you don’t understand. Everytime I so much as mention Felix’s name you completely shut down. And then when I try to talk about it, you do the exact same thing. I just don’t get it” you said.

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” Jisung replied.

“That’s how you want to be? Fine! Fine. Pull over.” you told him sternly.

“Y/N, don’t-” he began, but you cut him off.

“Jisung pull the car over or I will jump out of it right this second” you warned.

He muttered something under his breath, pulling the car over in front of an unfamiliar apartment building. You pulled your coat closer over your chest, your hand over the door handle.

“If you decide you want to talk about this, you know where to find me. Until then, leave me alone” you said, getting out of his car and slamming the door.

You started walking and before you could turn the corner, you heard angry honking coming from behind you. You jumped, surprised at the piercing sound then huffed in annoyance, continuing your way back home.

Once you were safely inside, you joined your parents in the living room. The small talk with your parents helped you take your mind off of things. It was nice to pretend that things were normal for a while. So you sat in front of the TV next to your dad, who was quietly grabbing a bite to eat. You scrolled through your phone as you usually did and you asked for their permission to go to Felix’s tomorrow. It was easy for them to agree as you reassured them you’d finish your homework first.

You excused yourself after a while, your hands already tapping away at your phone. One ring, then two. On the third ring, the only person you missed more than Geonhak answered.

“If it isn’t the brightest smile in this world” your best friend said in place of a hello.

“Oh, Yeji. My smile isn’t bright right now.” you confessed.

“What? Who hurt you? Do I need to fight someone?” she asked.

You wasted no time filling her in, trying to skip no details. You went back and forth in your story a lot, adding some of your blabberings that caused you to stray off of your topic. Yeji was familiar with this and extremely patient with you, asking questions and listening intently. She hummed here and there, but for the most part allowed you to talk until you had bared everything out in the open, unloaded the heavy burden of your heart.

“I just… I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. And I wish you were here…” you trailed off.

“Hey. Don’t go all sappy on me. We’re having a conversation over here. Just… Let me think” she said.

The phone line grew silent as Yeji thought over your words. You waited patiently, fiddling with the tassels of your blacket to give your hands something to do.

“Honestly I don’t understand him. From what you’ve told me, Jisung sounds like a fairly reasonable person. It may be the hormones. You know, no one can be perfect” Yeji tried to joke.

You groaned into the phone, letting Yeji laugh it off on her own. You buried your face in one of your throw pillows, hoping the sweet scent would help you calm down.

“No, okay, I get it, bad joke, I’m sorry” Yeji said and you hummed into the phone in place of an answer. “Maybe you should just give him some space. He probably doesn’t know exactly what to say to you. I’m sure he’ll come around sooner or later. And if he doesn’t, well… That’s tough luck. But also, you wouldn’t really want a person like that next to you anyways, right?” she finished.

“What would I do without you Yeji?” you asked.

“Ah, that’s a very good question. But I’m glad we don’t have to answer it” she said.

“Me as well. I’m sorry we got caught up with me again. How are you doing?” you asked.

After catching up with Yeji, your heart felt lighter. She had a magnificent way of calming you down, saying exactly the words you wanted to hear. She was the best friend you ever had, and the constant aching in your heart (a result of being without her) served as a reminder of that.

That night, you settled in under your covers, but sleep remained out of your reach. This would usually be the time when you’d text Jisung, a well known night owl himself and talk into the night until one of you fell asleep first.

But tonight that wouldn’t be the case. So you snuggled further into your bed, played some relaxing music and wished for sleep to come quickly

----------------------------------------

Days passed by slowly and everytime you returned home you looked through the mail hoping to find the one letter you so badly wanted. You had already received your acceptance letters from NYU and Columbia, which only left out… The one your heart longed for the most.

It had been almost two weeks since your falling out with Jisung. Since then, you hadn’t talked at all, barely even glanced at each other. It was a hard task, for in the classes you shared you were sitting side by side and also because you wanted nothing more than to talk to him.

But, Yeji was right. He needed space and maybe, you did too. So you ignored each other’s presence as much as possible, with Jisung running out of classrooms as soon as the bell rang and you keeping your head low. If Felix had noticed the change, he did not mention anything, which made you wonder if he was in on something you didn’t know.

You were sitting in one of the schools’ benches, furiously writing down numbers for some Algebra homework you had put off for too long. The music flowing in your ears was there to ground you, but your thoughts still ran in circles inside your head. Then, the music cut off and was replaced by the blaring of your ringtone. Being snapped out of your reverie abruptly, you answered the phone groggily.

“Y/N, sweetie, I hate to do this so much but… It’s here” your mom said on the other end.

“What? Mom, I don’t understand.” you told her.

“Sweetie, your Yale letter. It’s here. But I have to go, I have to go to work and I can’t open it with you” she told you.

At the mention of the letter, your heart skipped a beat, only for it to begin a crazy pounding inside your chest the next second. You felt lightheaded, close to fainting, your knees buckling under you. Everything was getting too real.

“Mom, it’s okay. I’ll just FaceTime Geonhak or something” you managed.

Indeed the very thought of your brother brought you peace. You could do this… Right?

You couldn’t do this. You stared at the letter on the kitchen counter and it seemed to you that it was staring back at you. You had gotten home a few minutes ago, the envelope waiting patiently for you on top of the kitchen counter. Something was stopping you from opening it, so you would just sit there, waiting for the letter to open on its own. You couldn’t pinpoint what you felt in those moments, excitement and dread, your hands itching to get on the piece of paper and yet fearing to even come close to it.

You unlocked your phone, your finger hovering over the contact you so badly wanted there for this moment. So for once in your life, you decided to be brave. Time was up.

He picked up on the fifth ring.

“Yeah?” he said, and you could feel your stomach tighten in anticipation.

“Jisung, it’s Y/N” you said.

“Yes, I know that. You need something?” he asked.

You should’ve expected that he would be curt with you, but still, hearing him like this hurt you. You tried to brush it off, instead telling him why you needed him.

“My Yale letter is here. I… I can’t open it, Jisung. My parents are at work and I don’t want to open it with someone over video call.” you told him.

“Why are you calling me? Call Felix or whoever” he snapped back at you.

“Felix already left, they have a hockey match… I’ll just wait for my parents to get home. I’m sorry I called.” you said, stumbling over your words.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Jisung said, hanging up the phone.

A thank you threatened to slip by your lips, but you held it back. You threw your phone back on the counter, rubbing your face with your hands. Ten minutes… Yes, you could wait ten minutes.

You couldn’t wait. What began as feeling lightheaded with your mother’s call, now had become a full blown headache, pounding at your head mercilessly. You waited for Jisung in front of the door, hand softly massaging your temple to relieve some pressure.

When his car pulled up on your street, your lips curled up into a smile. You took him in, finally able to look at him after weeks. He was wearing all black, from the beanie on his head to his clothes. Without a word, he took you into his arms and you knew, it was that easy.

“I’m here” he whispered in your ear and you had to sigh.

You felt at ease, breathing evenly once again. The pounding on your head was still ongoing, but you would have to live with it for a little while longer. Without a word, you led Jisung inside and he followed you easily through the familiar house.

You held the letter in your hands, almost showing it off to Jisung.

“It feels heavy. Weighty. They wouldn’t turn me down with so much paper, would they?” you asked.

“I… I have something to tell you.” Jisung murmured.

You were taken aback, but you nodded, urging him to go on. What had happened? Then, Jisung took out a letter much like yours from the pocket of his jacket. You felt yourself gasp, immediately reprimanding yourself for your reaction. You met his eyes, noticing the familiar twinkle behind them. And you knew.

“You got in” you whispered under your breath.

Jisung nodded, laying the envelope next to yours. Your vision got blurry, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. You inhaled deeply, trying to push them back and keep your voice stable.

“I’m so happy for you, Jisung. I know how much you wanted this.” you said, holding down a sob.

“Now, it’s your turn. We have to do this together, alright?” he asked.

You nodded, taking another deep breath to steady yourself. Jisung gave you an encouraging look as you took the envelope in your hands and tore it open.

“That felt nice.” you confessed and Jisung chuckled lightly.

The first piece of paper had the university’s seal on it, along with your information. You skimmed along the lines to find the word you wanted so badly. Accepted. And there it was, in big bold letters. You had been accepted into Yale.

The tears found their way down your cheeks as a weak sob raked through your body. You stumbled over your own feet, but Jisung was there to catch you. Jisung was always there to catch you.

You clung to him, whispering the same words over and over into his shoulder. ‘I got in, I’m in, I got in’ became a mantra, and Jisung holding you tightly managed to bring you back to reality. You took a few moments to stop the happy tears, before pulling back enough to look at him.

Just then, you realized your close proximity, Jisung’s body burning under your touch. Your noses were touching and if you as much as breathed, your lips would be on his. And how lovely would that be…

You didn’t have enough time to think about it, for Jisung seemed to read your mind, closing the distance between you and placing his lips on yours. Your breath caught at your throat, your eyes widening, your brain taking a few moments to realize what was happening. Your body became water, flowing in Jisung’s hands as you kissed back and everything fit into place.

Until it didn’t.

Jisung recoiled from you, turning his back on you and facing the window. You almost fell backwards, luckily grabbing the counter behind you for support. You shot him an incredulous look which he didn’t see. When you saw him wiping his lips in disgust, something broke inside you.

“What the fuck?” you asked, hating the fact that your voice broke.

“I shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake. Congratulations.” he said, making for the door.

“No. No, you don’t get to do this” you said, moving quickly and pulling Jisung back.

You were standing awfully close again, your chest pressed against his, only this time your eyes were burning. His icy stare met your burning one, and you don’t understand a thing. Nothing makes sense, when all you want is to kiss him again and he is running away from you.

“What’s wrong with you?” you asked him, the anger clear in your voice.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Lover boy is out of town so we are making for second best? I won’t play this game with you, Y/N” he said.

“Lover boy? What are you talking about?” you asked.

“Are you serious? I’m talking about your boyfriend, Felix! Or do you think that I’m stupid? I have eyes, Y/N, I see your wallpaper change to him, I see your smile when you talk about him, you drop everything the second he calls, you run to him whenever he needs you” Jisung went on, but you didn’t listen.

After you got over the initial shock, laughter bubbled from deep inside you. If you were being honest, the whole situation was so outright ridiculous, there were not many things you could do but laugh. Jisung on the other hand, wasn’t in on the joke and so your laughter only served to rile him up even more.

“Is this funny to you?” Jisung asked.

“Oh, Jisung you… You can be so dense sometimes.” you said, moving closer to him.

If you had more confidence, maybe you’d grab his hand and drag him closer, or drag him by the neck so your lips could meet again. But you weren’t that person. No, all you could do was walk as close as he would let you and meet his stare head on.

“It’s you. It’s always been you. I’m not dating Felix, or anyone at all. Since the first day I met you, you… You got me. I think I’m in love with you, Han Jisung” you confessed, your heart beating in your throat.

Baring your heart out in the open should’ve been scary and unthinkable to you. And yet as you stood in your kitchen, Jisung across from you, nothing had ever felt so right. Your heart was light inside your chest and even if your thoughts were running, they ran for someone who was worth it.

“So you and Felix never…” he said, his voice trailing off.

You couldn’t help but giggle, firmly shaking your head.

“Not at all. He is very dear to me and I love him as a friend. But that’s it” you reassured him.

“I’m such an idiot” he said, more of a statement than a question.

You hummed at his words, inching closer to him. He pulled at your hand, making you fall in a not very elegant way on top of his chest. He chuckled and you did too, the feeling of his chest rising and falling under your fingertips comforting to you.

“Hey” he whispered.

Your noses were touching.

“Hi” you whispered back.

Your lips almost brushed each other.

“Can I-?” he didn’t get to finish his question, your mouths already colliding.

The kiss was slow and intimate, your mouths moving against each other. He tasted of mint toothpaste and longing, a winter night’s air and the first breath after a dive. Your hand cupped the back of Jisung’s neck and he shuddered under your touch, making you break the kiss to giggle.

“You almost drove me crazy and you’re still laughing.” he scolded you.

This time, he captured your bottom lip only to bite hard on it in retaliation. You called out in surprise, hitting his chest lightly.

“That hurt, asshole” you said, hitting him a second time for good measure.

“It did? Let me kiss it better then”

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thebluestbluewords · 4 years ago

Text

Soulmates Aren’t Just Lovers, You Know (chapter 2!! It’s on ao3 now!! For real!!)

(malvie, ~4000 words, pre-relationship h/c, cw for mental health issues including non-explicit references to suicide and a lot of sad bits before the actual comfort)

When Mal wakes up again, there are a hell of a lot more people in her room.

Oh, fuck no. This is not some-- some kind of family meeting bullshit. She is so not down for that. Sometimes a girl just has to have a breakdown on her own, and it’s not anybody else’s business what she does when she’s in the throes of panic after having what might be the worst day of her entire life up to this point. Maybe the worst day period, if Mal has her way with it.

“Hey, Mal.” Evie says. “Good morning.”

Mal lets her eyes flicker over to the open window.

“Well, uh, it’s more like nighttime, actually.” Evie says. “But it’s the thought that counts. I brought you dinner, if that helps?”

She holds out a box from the dining hall.

Mal doesn’t want to sit up and eat dinner and pretend like she’s a real person. She wants to lay here forever until her bones rot and her flesh melts to the bed and she’s left as a discarded husk of a person.

“It’s those fancy potato pockets?” Evie offers, shaking the box a little bit. “And I think there’s dessert?”

Mal sits up. It feels like there’s a weight where her spine should be, but she manages it. “You think?” she asks. “You don’t even know what you got for me?”

Evie has the decency to flush. “When I said I got you dinner, what I meant is that dinner has been summoned for you, and I helped.” she says arily. “It was not meant to be taken literally.”

Mal reaches out for the box. “So, what you’re saying is, the boys brought me dinner.”

Evie nods, sharp. “Yes.”

“We got you apple cake.” Carlos offers. “But if you want something else we have the door code for the freezer.”

Of course they do. Mal knows that. She was there, she’s pretty sure, when they followed one of the assistant cooks around until they could watch her put the code in and take the knowledge for themselves. She’s definitely been there when they’ve gone into the main freezer before, not just the little student one. They don’t keep the raspberry popsicles in the student freezer. She knows this.

“You are….a menace to society.” Mal says, taking the box. It’s still warm. A little bit damp on the bottom, condensation from the warm food inside. It’s weird, to think that it’s been this easy all along. Just come to Auradon, and you can have all the hot food you want. No bartering, no threatening for it. No knives involved at all for the good little kiddies in princess school. Wouldn’t want them to get hurt, finding food for themselves. Wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to the precious little royal brats.

Anger might not be the right emotion, but it’s something other than empty, so Mal’s going to take what she can get.

Evie is kind enough to wait until Mal has one potato pocket in her mouth and another one in her hand before she speaks.

“So,” Evie starts, and Mal spits her potato thing out so that she can cut her off right there, because no, it doesn’t matter that the boys are in her room, or that Evie went to the effort of tracking them down and making them bring her dinner, this is not a family meeting and Mal is not going to sit here and listen to more people tell her that she’s doing everything wrong.

“No.” Mal snaps, and picks up her only-slightly-damaged dinner again. “We’re not talking about it.”

Evie sighs, dramatically. “No right back at you. We have to talk about this.”

“We don’t!” Mal says, around her mouthful of potato pocket. Fuck, but these things are good. “We can just pretend like it never happened, and I can go back to--”

Evie interrupts her. “To being miserable all the time and not telling us?” she asks. “That’s what you want to happen?”

Ugh.

Mal flings an arm out, gesturing to the room, where her stylish little backpack is hanging up, where her princess-appropriate shoes are resting on their little white rack in the corner, where her-- okay, where her clothes are still in piles all over the floor and her textbooks for her science classes are sitting unopened on the desk but that’s fine. That’s normal. Everyone has weeks where their room is a mess, that’s why they have a cleaning staff to come around and do the things that the students are too busy to do themselves. It’s not Mal being lazy, it’s her adjusting. To this brave new world. Of. Being a spoiled rich brat.

Anyway.

“To coping!” Mal shouts, mad at herself and not-- just, so not ready to touch that one yet. “I’m coping. It’s fine. I’m just having a rough adjustment, that’s all. It’s hard, learning all of this new Auradon--stuff.”

“I don’t think you are,” Evie says, gently. “Coping is what we did months ago, when we were figuring out how to get through classes, and how to find sunscreen, and all of that. This kind of feels like, well.”

Ugh. “What.” Mal demands. “Spit it out.”

“Like you’re struggling.”

Oh. That’s-- yeah. That’s pretty obvious. Adjusting to the restrictions of school, to all of the times where back home Mal could go and do what she wanted and now she has to go to class and turn things in and speak in turn and not use her hands and sit up straight and share her things and--

It’s a lot. She’s been working on it.

“Sure.” Mal says, because it’s pretty fucking obvious that she’s putting in the effort. If she ends every day so tired she could cry and wakes up with sandpaper where her eyelids should be, that just means she’s working really hard at doing everything right. “Coping, struggling, whatever. I’ll get through it. It’s fine.”

“Mal, I don’t think it is fine.” says Evie. She looks--

Mal sticks another potato thing in her mouth instead of thinking about it. Emotions are overrated anyway.

Evie sighs again. “Some of the things you were saying, it feels like you aren’t happy here.”

“I--” Mal stutters. Stop. Breathe. “I--”

She’s not happy. Anyone with eyes to look at her right now, hiding pathetically in the bed of a girl who she wouldn’t even talk to a year and half ago, could see that. Mal’s pretty sure the lack of feeling that swallows her up sometimes isn’t the same thing as being unhappy, though. It’s the absence of happiness, not the presence of unhappiness. It’s fine. Survivable. She’s supposed to feel grateful, she knows that. She can show her best smile for the cameras, usually, and tell anyone within earshot how grateful she is for the chance to leave the island, and it’s not even a lie, most of the time. It’s awful being here, and it was awful being there, but at least it’s been a different kind of awful, and that’s got to be worth something.

Mal can convince herself, most of the time, that it’s better to be here. Better to be warm and dry and fed and miserable, than to be cold and starving and interested in her own life.

It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.

Jay shifts, pushing off of the table he’d been leaning on and then stopping, like he’s not sure where to move. “We’re not saying that you have to be happy all the time, or whatever,” he says “I’m not. Evie’s not. We’re-- yeah.” He hesitates. Even now, there’s things they aren’t talking about. “I don’t know what’s up with you and Ben, but he’s not happy all the time either. That’s how people work.”

Mal will not cry. “Ben hates me is what’s up with him.” she explains calmly, like a rational person who isn’t suddenly on the verge of tears over nothing. “ He wants me to give up magic completely and I can’t do that, I just can’t. It’s a part of me and it-- when I don’t use it, I’m cutting off a part of myself.”

“Have you talked to Fairy Godmother yet about the magical theory classes?” Evie asks softly. “Jane is taking them, and so is Aria. You wouldn’t be alone.”

Mal scoffs. “Magic theory. Like that’s good for anything.”

“It could help--”

The tears are back, suddenly. Prickling hot at the back of Mal’s throat, threatening to choke her again. Making her voice wobble like she’s weak.

“It’s not going to help!” Mal shouts, instead of giving in to her other impulse, which is to start sobbing. “It’s not the same thing! I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, but it’s not something I can just-- wish away if I just try hard enough! I need to use magic, and it’s the only way I can be good enough--”

Oh, gods. Fuck. She wasn’t going to cry again.

Evie’s there again, touching Mal’s hand and then her hair, soft and cool and just right in a way that makes Mal want to cry more and not less. Like, Evie’s here, and she’s saying soft words that Mal can’t hear over the pounding in her own head, but it’s got to be just the right thing because Evie always knows the right thing to say whenever Mal is acting stupid again.

“I don’t--” Mal tries. “I--”

Evie wraps an arm over her shoulders and rocks both of them back and forth like she’s a child again. “It’s okay,” she’s saying, or at least that’s what it seems like she might be saying. It’s hard to tell what with the hysterics and all. “I’ve got you.”

Mal holds her breath until there are spots over her vision, and then lets it out. It’s not easy, but it’s doable, which is more than she could have said just a few hours ago.

Jay shifts forward again and actually makes the move to sit on Mal’s other side this time. His shoulder just barely brushes against hers. It’s nice to just have him there. Grounding, or something.

“Hey. We’re not saying you have to give up magic, okay?” Jay says. “What about, like, we find a way for you to use it somewhere that’s not on your royal boyfriend?”

Oh no.

“He hates--” Mal sniffles. “Hates me anyway. Doesn't matter anymore.”

“Yeah. No. He doesn’t. Trust me on this one, it takes a lot more than one spell to drive us guys away.”

“I’ve done a lot worse than one spell,” says Mal. “It’s more like-- a whole spellbook.”

Jay bumps her shoulder. It knocks her over into Evie a bit, but that’s just fine with Mal. Evie is always a good place to be. “He’s gonna forgive you.” Jay tells her, like it’s already happened. “He never shuts up about you, for real.”

“I don’t know if I want him to forgive me.” Mal whispers, low and terrible and mostly to herself. She doesn’t know--

She loves Ben, she thinks. She could love him. She does love him, maybe, but in the same way that she loves her other friends. There’s room in her heart for at least three people, but when one of them is so much more it’s hard to say if there’s any space left over for people who don’t get it.

It takes a long minute of sitting with that thought before Mal realizes that oh, right, she was saying something.

It feels too late to finish the thought. Limited-time offer, already expired. No more talking about boyfriends who aren’t what she needs right now anyway. Better to think about Evie instead, safe and warm at her back, or her boys, steady and bright and sweet in their own ways that Mal already understands. It’s easy to be with people you’ve known since you were children, even if they think more about stabbing and stealing than about treaties and marriage and life after high school and all of the things that Mal is supposed to be thinking about now.

Evie shoves Mal upright. “Okay,” she says, clapping her hands together. “I think it’s time to do something that’s not moping now!”

Mal wants to mope forever. She doesn’t want to rehydrate and rest and do all of the things that Evie is going to make her do. Mal would happily (hah, as-if) stay flopped out in Evie’s bed, draped over Evie’s shoulder forever if she could. It would be easier than facing her problems. Simpler.

Evie pulls a metal dish out of her bag. “We brought popcorn, if you want to do the honor,” she says, clicking out the handle and waving the pan towards Mal.

It’s an effort just for Mal to be sitting up right now. Fire has always come easily, but the act of reaching out a hand might be too much. Transforming her throat to blow a breath of flame wouldn’t just be an effort physically, but mentally as well. It’s easy enough to change her whole shape at once, but there’s no space for a dragon to curl up in a dorm room and transforming her body in bits and pieces is so far beyond what Mal can manage right now that it might as well be impossible.

Mal shakes her head. Nope. All out of fire juice, can’t do it today.

The do have a microwave with a heating element, and at least three lighters between the four of them, so there’s really no need for Mal’s crew to look so fucking stricken.

Ugh. One hot hand won’t hurt too much, and if it can get them to stop looking at her like that, it’ll be worth the effort. “Fine. Give ‘em here,” Mal says, gesturing for the popcorn tin. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

Evie hands it over. “And I love you,” she says back, easily. “Let’s get some Stage Moms going. Let the boys get it set up while we get all cozy.”

Mal sniffles. The popcorn is heating up on her palm, where she’s sending a steady stream of heat up through to the container. It’ll pop in a minute, so long as she doesn’t do something dumb like forget to regulate the heat and light the whole thing on fire. “You don’t have to do this.”

Evie wraps an arm around her shoulders, jostling her close again. “I know. What are friends for, right?”

Oh, Evil.

Evie takes this new bout of tears in stride, pulling Mal close and rescuing the popcorn before it burns and producing a handkerchief from somewhere for Mal to wipe her nose with as she cries. “I know, I know,” she says soothingly, as Mal sobs into her shoulder. “We’re here for you.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Shh, hey. You do, Mali. You do, and you always will. Nothing you do is gonna drive us away, okay? We’re your family, and you can’t make us leave even if you try.”

There’s a weight behind Mal, and oh, that’s the sound of Stage Moms up on somebody’s laptop, so the boys must be done getting that set up, and then there’s a hesitant hand patting her back, and oh--

“Um, please don’t try.” Carlos says. “We love you and all. But please don’t.”

There’s a jostling, and then the sounds of someone (Evie) whacking someone else (definitely Carlos, then) upside the head.

“If you need us, baby,” Evie says. “Wherever or whenever or anything. We’re here for you and you can’t change that even if you want to.”

“Even if I’m just like my mother?” Mal asks. She doesn’t want to, but she can’t seem to stop herself. It’s an awful compulsion, the constant need to weigh her actions against her mother’s. Following the trajectory of bright young girl to bitter young woman, to becoming more and more entwined with her magic, until finally she can’t resist the need for power anymore, and she snaps and starts cursing people left and right with no mind for the consequences.

Mal can’t look up. She can’t know what’s going on in this terrible silence that’s going to choke her, even though she wants to know, so very very much, what her crew is doing right now. How they’re going to lie to her when they try and reassure her that she’s not her mother and she won’t ever be, even though the roots are already there.

Evie doesn’t lie to her. “Even then.” she says. “We’d still follow you, Mal. Even if you start cursing people with no rhyme or reason. I’ll always get you back.”

Another wave of hot tears somehow trickle out. “I want to go home.” Mal whispers. She wouldn’t have to worry about dragging her crew back with her if they were home. If they’d never left in the first place. Curse Auradon for making her think about things like morality and goodness and what she could have if only she could be a good girl for a little bit longer. Curse them all.

Evie sighs, and Mal can feel her chest rise and fall with it where they’re squished together on the little island of Evie’s bed. “I know, babe,” Evie says. “You keep saying that.”

Goddess help them all. “I want to go home,” Mal tries to explain. “Not, like, to my mother. I just-- I hate it here. I don’t understand any of the rules and I don’t know how to be a princess like you, Eves. I don’t--” Mal breaks off to swipe a hand over her face. She is not going to cry again, not with almost everyone she cares about still here to watch. “I don’t think I can keep up with everything anymore. I just want a break.”

Evie sighs again, and rubs a hand over Mal’s back, gentle-like. “What if we got you one?” she says, so softly that Mal almost misses it.

She doesn’t though, and that’s what matters. “What?” Mal asks. Tries to demand, really, but it doesn’t come out quite right.

Evie’s hand doesn’t break rhythm. “A break. We can do that. Get you some time to regroup.”

“I don’t-- it won’t help--”

“Hm.” Evie says, and it sounds skeptical even though it’s barely a noise at all. “You don’t think I can do it?”

“I-- no!” Mal says, almost tearful again. Fuck, what’s gotten into her, crying at the drop of a brick like this. “You could-- anything, Eves. You can do anything you want, I’m not doubting you.”

Evie conveniently ignores the final emphasis. “Great!”

Oh no.

“No, ” Mal tries to tell her. “I don’t-- Eves.”

“You said I can do anything I want.” Evie challenges, dangerous even under her sparkly lipgloss. Dangerous because of it, maybe. Like a poisonous moth. Something beautiful that you should know better than to touch. “I’m doing it.”

“You did say that.” Jay echoes, watching Mal a little too closely with those stupid bright eyes of his. “Like, just now.”

“I lied.” Mal says immediately. “I’ve never- I would never say a thing like that.”

“Mmm.” says Evie, petting a hand over Mal’s head. It feels not-so-great, so Mal ducks away. She doesn’t need to be reminded of her hair just now. “I don’t think you did. I think you know I’m right, and you’re afraid to think about what it means.”

Oh no. “Can we not psychoanalyze me right now?” Mal begs.

Just like that, Evie backs off. “Sure.” she says breezily. “We can plan your getaway instead. Do you want to see the mountains?”

“I--” Mal tries, but the words stick. “Sure?”

“I think there’s a cabin up there that I can convince, ah,’ Evie barely stutters, but she does wince, and goes on anyway. Great. That’s perfect. “Nobody in particular! To let us borrow!”

“Eves, please no.”

Evie breaks out into a brilliant smile “Oh yes. Do you think two weeks is enough? An extended spring break, so to speak, and then we can talk about a longer-term kind of thing.”

Running away forever sounds like something that might be good, but forever also implies some sort of continued existence, and Mal’s really not sure if she’s down for that just now.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” she says, instead of the full thought. “What if it doesn’t change anything?”

“It’s a great idea,” says Evie. “All of my ideas are great, remember?”

“You’re coming with me, right?” Mal asks, hating how pathetic it comes out. She’s not a child, but she feels silly and childish again, watching her best friend plan out how to fix her life.

Evie pauses. “If you want us to,” she says, hesitant for the first time. “I don’t want to put any more pressure on you.”

Oh. The thought strikes Mal for the first time in this awful, no-good, very bad day that maybe she’s not the only one who doesn’t know what she’s doing here. That maybe Evie is scared too.

“I want you there.” Mal says firmly. This, at least, is something she knows. “I want all of you, but please, Eves, I need you there. Don’t send me away on my own.”

“I think we can do that.”

Mal doesn’t want to show her whole soul here, but it’s too easy to just tip her face up towards Evie’s, like she’s a flower reaching for the bright Auradon sun. “Yeah?” she asks hopefully.

Evie brushes a piece of Mal’s hair out of her face, so gentle that it doesn’t even tug on the tangles. “For sure.” she says. “We can go with you.”

“All of you?” Mal asks again, pathetically. “Just for a week, please.”

There’s an intense conversation happening in eyebrows and facial twitching going on over her head, but Mal isn’t ready to follow that just yet, and eventually it seems to resolve itself and Jay reaches over to pat her head. “Yeah, fine.” he says. “All of us.”

Evie lets out a breath. “It’s settled then. An extended spring break, starting next week. Can you do one more week, Mal? We can always call you out sick.”

Mal can’t imagine leaving her room in the next week, much less leaving campus to go out to another unknown place for an extended period of time. “I can do it.” she says, instead of explaining. Classes are the lesser of the two obstacles right now, and besides, she can’t ask the others to take the time off from the classes that they’re finally doing well in. It wouldn’t be fair to them. She’s already-- oh, Evil. She’s asking Jay to give up the university visit he was going to do over break. Fuck. Maybe he can travel down and back, but he hates driving on his own, and she’s already asking so much of them, coming with her at all, and oh--

“We’ll call out early next week.” Evie whispers to her. “One week with everyone, and then we can have a week just for us if you’re up for it, okay?”

Of course Evie already has it all figured out. “Okay.” Mal whispers back to her. “I’ll be okay.”

“Oh, good.” Evie says, at a more normal volume this time. “If you’re feeling up to it, there is one other thing--” she picks up her phone and tilts the screen over towards Mal.

There’s a whole mess of texts, and at least two missed calls that Mal can see already. From a very particular number. Oh, gods.

“No.” Mal says as firmly as she can manage. “No way.”

Evie doesn’t lower the phone. “He’s been calling me.”

“Then tell him to not!” Mal bursts out. “I can’t talk to him about this now!”

Evie grins at that. A full-out, unladylike, evil grin. “Gladly.” she says sweetly, and taps to immediately dismiss the whole mess.

What.

“Really?” Mal asks incredulously. Evie loves being proper and outwardly kind and not telling people to fuck off to their faces. Evie is a firm believer in the idea that insults stick best when the person has to say ‘thank you’ and ideally won’t even question it until they’re back home that night (where they’re most vulnerable, Evie says. It’s just efficiency to make sure that you’re always hurting people while their guard is down).

“Mal. Baby.” Evie says, shifting so she can talk with her hands without Mal’s sad droopy self in the way. “You don’t know how long I have been waiting to tell this boy to fuck off and let you adjust on your own time. You broke up with Uma like, a month before we came here. That’s not long enough to jump right into another long term relationship, no matter what this Auradon boy thinks. You need time, and space, and I will tell him to give you all of that.”

Mal will not stare with her mouth open like a fish. She’s better than that.

“Wow, okay, Eves.” Jay says, almost laughing. Right.

“Go Evie!” Carlos practically cheers. Of course the boys are still here too. They wouldn’t leave the perfect opportunity for drama behind just because Mal is having a moment.

Evie nods to them, graciously. “Thank you, thank you.” she says. “I do take requests.” she hesitates for a moment. “But, um, Mali, do you want to maybe write him a letter? I can drop it off when I make the call. Make sure he really gets the message.”

“Yeah. I think that-- that would be good. I need space. And time.”

Evie picks up Mal’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “Of course.”

“You’ll really do it for me?”

Evie’s eyes are dark and intense and so, so close. “Anything, Mal.” she says. “Just say the word and I’m yours.”

Oh. That’s-- well.

Maybe more than Mal can handle at this exact moment, honestly, but something that is going to be very very important just as soon as she gets her shit together again.

Evie’s face is still very close.

Mal pulls back. “I love you.” she says. It just feels like the right thing to do. “So much, Eves. I love you more than anything.”

Evie’s mouth quirks up at the corner. “More than strawberries?”

“More than strawberries.” Mal echoes back. More than anything, really. “More than chocolate.”

Evie brushes that stupid piece of blonde hair out of her eyes again, and the touch isn’t even a bother this time. “That’s a lot of love,” she says “You’d better be sure about that kind of thing.”

More than anything.

“I’m sure,” Mal tells her. “I love you.”

#descendants #my fic #descendants fic #malvie #mal bertha #evie grimhilde #yes the others are THERE is it also a core four comforting each other fic #descendants fandom #I didn’t include an ao3 link because it won’t show up in the TAGS if I DO THAT #I’ll probably add one when I reblog later #if you’re the sort of person who reads the tags and doesn’t already know #I’m TheBluestBlueBird on ao3!!#there’s a whole first part to this fic over there!

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bearbaitmegs · 3 years ago

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I know I don’t have a lot of active followers here, but I’ve been going though some major changes in my life recently (both good and/or disorienting), and one of the things I am aiming to achieve with that is to reestablish myself online in some small way. Just casually, socially. I used to enjoy interacting and making friends online and some of my oldest friends remain people that I met through the web.

I hope these sporadic personal posts don’t bother you.

I think part of these changes that I’m aspiring to involve getting into the habit of simply posting more. I honestly am unsure of where to migrate to online outside of Tumblr. I’ve ditched Facebook except to check on businesses I’m planning on visiting and occasionally to sell something. I’m only on Snapchat and Instagram to follow one person. I haven’t logged into DeviantArt in almost 10 years. Yahoo 360 is long gone. Adjusting to Discord has been a slow and lurking process because it reminds me of some particularly haunting memories and it lacks most topics I’d be interested in (publicly, at least). Twitter never fit right. I refuse to engage with people on Ao3 or ffn because I’m very hesitant to engage with people who has the same media interests as I do because I’ve had far too much fandom-related trauma and drama and I still have trouble forming friend groups despite 9 years of distance

My brother has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder and it has often felt like his drama has been my defining feature for almost 2 years. I have gotten tired of carrying his monkey into all of my relationships and conversations, especially when trying to make new ones. I wish I had custody of my nephew because he and his ex are both sucky and neglectful, but all I can do is wait until the kid turns 18 or asks about emancipation. My brother deliberately seeks out relationships that renew and reinforce his past traumas in order to legitimize his unwillingness to move on and I hold him at least partially responsible for our parents’ decline in emotional, financial, and physical health. I recently opted to go for No Contact/Very Low Contact with him and it’s been freeing and refreshing and I feel immensely happier and more motivated.

I frequently feel like I don’t have anything worth saying or cannot really think of anything to say. It’s a work in progress. I have always carried a sense of awkwardness and that continues to persist into my 30s, despite the fact that I generally consider myself a confident person. I’ve been in a romantic relationship for 5 years and it fulfills 95% of my social and emotional needs, which... I think has led to leaving many of my other relationships to pasture.

Instinctively, I want to reach out and rectify all of these relationships all at once. Of course, it doesn’t work that way, and in trying to pace myself I find I often procrastinate. I set myself a goal of reaching out to a friend per week, but it’s more like one every two weeks. I know some of us will pick up where we left off like we’ve never been apart. Some of my friends will have moved on and our re-connection will separate again because we’re just different now and I’m honestly not bothered by that. It’s normal. I just hesitate because I don’t know where to start even though the script should be so easy. I feel annoying and needy. “Hey, I hope you’re well! I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I was thinking of you today every day.” Ugh.

I’m pretty financially, mentally, and physically stable and have been for a while. I like my job and I’m paid very well! I like me! I like my hobbies and my apartment! I’ve worked very hard to get here and there’s really only a few key things I want to improve upon.

But somehow I feel like I’m rediscovering myself again. Like I was shut out of something and didn’t even realize there was a door. I’ve missed something. I’m naturally comfortable alone and tend to be willfully obtuse about things that don’t involve me only to get startled by them later.

I moved back to my hometown 2 years ago in order to introduce my partner to my family and be around for some major family events. It was supposed to be a 4 month summer visit. The family drama just never stopped and I’m just...still here. I can’t wait to leave, but I also don’t resent my hometown as much as I did when I left. It’s changing immensely, but so am I. I definitely won’t be able to afford to stay.

I had a patio garden over the summer and, while we hardly got our money’s worth out of it, it was pretty and tasty and fulfilling. A few of the plants are overwintering with us.

I still haven’t lived somewhere that allows me a pet, but I keep saving stray cats.

I have way more fabric than I know what to do with from old clothes and dead ideas, but I finally tuned up my sewing machine and bought a set of sewing machine feet and I have lots of plans and ideas that I just need to sit down and actually execute. Especially embroidery.

I finally spent the damn $70 on an old school drawing tablet and took the time to download some free art programs. A modern tablet is still too much to budget for and a mouse and MS Paint is not enough. I do not know why it took me 10 freaking years when I’ve spent far more money on far less desirable luxuries.

I am hoping to find a decent enough mountain bike at a manageable price to do a long-distance cycling trip next year. If I don’t, I’ll divert to hiking a long-distance trail. I’ve never stopped craving spending weeks and weeks out in the woods with an overstuffed backpack since my first trek in 2016. I’m willing to go out of my way and budget hard to make it a reality on an annual basis.

I’m slowly picking away at my original story, JatGSL, a 10+ year Work In Progress, and I finally have a setting and characters that I feel good about and have a lot of fun imagining. I’m afraid to say much about it. It has dying androids and mushrooms and mythology and domesticated seals and braille and it takes place on a melted Antarctica. But my writing is a muscle long neglected and I don’t know if I’ll ever really get it back.

I sometimes think about moving some of my old fanfics over to Ao3 so they won’t be lost, but my old penname carries weight I’d rather not pick up and I don’t want to add anything else to JKR’s legacy and some of the things I wrote when I was 17-22 have aged pretty poorly. So, I hesitate and debate and do nothing.

I keep having simple, but neat ideas that nobody out in the market seems to be doing/making, but I lack the connections and knowledge to do anything with them.

My romantic partner is an amazingly perfect fit. Absolutely well-fitting, in-sync, mind-blowingly complementary in every way. I increasingly worry it might not last because my partner has 1 (ONE) key issue that I just can’t live with long term and if they can’t figure out a healthy way to cope I don’t know if I can go another 5 years dealing with it. I grew up with it. I won’t live with it.

It often feels odd to talk about myself (even here. even now) because I feel so much happier than I seem to be describing myself.

#megii's commentary #this is more a ramble than anything else

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thekitteninlove · 3 years ago

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Okay, so i wrote another fanfic. This one is much longer, 3000+ words or 6 pages. I put some more romance in it too, since i realized the other ones kinda lack that and i want more romance. This is my way of coping with my love for Dean

Characters: Dean Tweedle

Warning: R 18+

Title: Teacher's pet, part 1

I was in the schoolyard with my friend, Maya. We were on a break, so we decided to just take a walk outside.

“So, do you wanna go to the club tonight?” she asked me

“Again? Didn’t you go to one yesterday? When do you sleep?”. Our personalities were completely different. Unlike me, she was an extrovert who liked to party. She was always cheerful, so her presence lightened my mood.

“Well, you know, during classes or after I get back from school. So, what do you say? Wanna come?”

“Nope, you know I don’t like those kinda places. The music is too damn loud. I’m gonna go deaf in there. Besides which I have to study for the finals”

“Ugh, we still have plenty of time. You should take a break and relax sometimes. You know how the saying goes, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

“I think I take enough breaks. I have my own way of having fun. I’m worried that if I take more breaks I’ll fall behind in my studies and I don’t want to disappoint the teachers”. Actually, I think I have a fear of disappointing them. I wonder if this fear has a name.

“Right. How could I forget you’re teacher’s pet whose hobby is to please the teachers.”

“You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing, but my future is at stake here”

“Oh, come on, don’t be so dramatic. It’s not like your future will be destroyed if you spend a bit more time socializing. How about getting a boyfriend? Love will definitely make you happier.”

Love? I immediately thought of Dean and my heart started beating faster. I don’t know when I started having those feelings for him. It feels like it happened gradually. The feelings kept getting stronger and stronger. I began to look forward to his lessons, although I don’t particularly enjoy history. I think I love him, but he only sees me as his student, nothing more. He’s the perfect teacher, always going out of his way to help his students. He’s out of my league. I doubt he’d even consider a girl like me a potential partner. But I can’t find anyone else I’d like to date. Most of the boys in my class were acting like 5 year olds. During breaks, the classroom becomes a battlefield because they start fighting over trivial stuff, which is why we’re outside. They put bugs in girls’ bags or they play with paper airplanes. They’re high schoolers, not primary school kids, but they don’t seem to have matured much since then. There are a few other boys who act their age, but their taken. Figures. I sighed.

“I noticed how you’ve been looking at Dean” Maya said after a moment with a grin on her face. “You look at him like he’s the love of your life”

“What!? No way! Was I that obvious? Has anyone else noticed that? I don’t want him to know that. That’ll be embarrassing.” I felt my cheeks redden. I didn’t realize I was letting my emotions show on my face. I hope he didn’t notice that

“Emma, you should tell him your feelings or you’ll regret you never did that. What’s there to lose? At least give it a go. You can’t know what someone else is feeling unless you ask them.”

“Ugh, i… I guess you have a point. I’ll try to tell him how I feel” I was a bit reluctant and scared that he was going to reject me and break my heart.

“You’ll not ‘try’, you’ll do it. And don’t say ‘tie me up, teacher’. Confess like a normal person. ��I love you’ is all you need to say to convey your feelings”

“Hey, why would you think I’d say that?” I was shocked at what she said and I tried to push away the thoughts of Dean tying me up and having his way with me

“Because that’s how masochists confess their love, duh” she said matter-of-factly

“I’m not a masochist”. Well, I guess I was a bit, but I wasn’t going to admit that.

“Uh-huh, sure thing.” She said in a teasing voice

Dammit, I need to change the subject. “So, uh… how’s it going with your boyfriend? I’ve seen him stealing your bag many times just to get your attention. He’s so childish, how can you stand that?”

“Well, he can get annoying at times, but I still like him. What I like the most about him is that he has a great sense of humor. I always laugh at his jokes”

That’s true. I really like his jokes too. I, on the other hand, suck at telling jokes. People think I’m serious when I make them. I should just give up. I like him, but he certainly isn’t my type.

The sound of the bell signaled the end of the break, so we made our way back to class. Hopefully, they didn’t destroy anything.

After the lectures were over I went to the library. I was still thinking about what my friend said. How will I go about it? What if he rejects me? I heard about the broken heart syndrome. It’s like a heart attack, but it can be caused by a sudden rush of extreme emotions. I hope he won’t break my heart, figuratively and literally speaking. I’m so anxious I can hardly concentrate on this book. Next time I get the chance to speak with him privately I need to tell him I love him. But he’s so busy. I wish I had more opportunities to talk to him. I doubt I could find a man as good as him anywhere else. He’s the only one I desire. I wonder why I feel so attracted to him. I’ve read in a book that researchers study animal behavior to explain certain behaviors in humans. It says that people are looking for a mate whose genes would increase the chance of survival of their offspring. Maybe I subconsciously want Dean’s genes. But is there all there is to it? I was so distracted by my thoughts I couldn’t hear the footsteps behind me.

“The library is closed. You’re not supposed to be here” said a stern voice behind me

“Whoa!” I exclaimed in surprise and turned around to find Dean standing there with an amused expression on his face. When I looked toward the windows I realized it was already dusk. Time passes so fast

“It’s closing time.” He corrected himself. “You need to go home”

“Oh, right” I was about to pack my things and go, but then I realized that this might be the opportunity I was looking for. “Um, I need to tell you something” I was starting to get nervous

“Yes? Do you need help with something?” he asked

His kindness warmed my heart. This was one of the things I loved about him. “Uh, i… I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately” I was quite anxious, but I tried to keep my voice steady. “but I’ve only recently realized that i…” I felt that my heart was about to explode from all the intense emotions I was feeling. Nervousness. Love. Excitement. I felt a surge of adrenaline, like I just drank coffee. Never before have I felt this way. It was something new. I felt like I was suffocating, like I was drowning in my own feelings. “I love you” I finally said it and looked at him expectantly

He opened his eyes wide. It was clear he wasn’t aware of this. Silence fell between us and after a moment that seemed to last forever he said in a confused voice “Are you sure? I’m not as good as you think I am”

Huh? He’s less confident than I thought he was. Well, that fine by me. He doesn’t have to be that confident for me to like him. “I think I am and I want to get to know you better. So would you like to go on a date?” I was feeling hopeful. He didn’t reject me straight away. It seems like I might just have a chance with him.

“Well,” he smiled “if you think you can handle me then I accept your invitation. I also want to get to know my pet better”

Wow! I can’t believe it! He said yes! YES, YES, YES! Damn, I’m so lucky. This is the luckiest day of my life. How come this hunk doesn’t have a girlfriend? Well, who cares about that, he’s mine now. I felt like dancing with joy.

He began to close the distance between us. “I will teach you about real love”. He lifted my chin up with his index finger and I looked up into his beautiful dark grey eyes. My heart began to beat faster as he moved closer and then pressed his lips against mine. I felt a rush of excitement at the sensation of his warm lips brushing against mine. I didn’t expect this. He then licked my lips and I slightly parted them to let him slip his tongue in. Our tongues coiled around each other and I felt the need to move even closer to him. I put my hands in his hair to deepen the kiss and he put his arms on my hips and pushed me against the bookshelves. He then pressed his body against mine and I let out a small gasp.

“You’re my pet. I won’t let anyone else have you. I’m your only master, do you understand?”

“Yes, master” I don’t want anyone else but him. My heart belongs to him.

“Good girl.” He smiled and kissed me again. This time he was more passionate than before. I ran my hands through his hair as he removed his gloves and slowly slid one of his hands up my outer thigh and used the other to massage my lower back.

“Mmmh” I felt myself gradually becoming hotter. I want him to do more. I want his genes in me. I hope we won’t get caught, but by now most of the students and staff should’ve left. He’s usually among the last ones to leave. He broke away from the kiss and started nibbling my neck, while his hands slid under my skirt and took off my undies, then I felt his hand rub me between my legs. I was trying not to make much noise in case there were still people in the school, but it was getting hard to control my voice and I let out a moan. “Ahh, Dean, I want you in” I was breathing hard and tightly gripping his hair. He slowly inserted two fingers in me and moved them in and out. At this point I couldn’t think straight as I pushed myself against his hand wanting more. “Ohh, I love you, Dean. I want you so badly”. He then used his other hand to take off his pants and underwear, took out a condom from his pocket and put it on.

“Put your legs around me, I’ll hold you” he said as he put his hands on my hips to hold me up

I did as he said and then he began to insert his shaft little by little in me. He tried not to move too much so that I could adjust to it. I put my hands on his back and held him tightly to me. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. I’d be surprised if he didn’t hear it. My desire for him overcame my anxiety and I began to move my hips back and forth. He then gripped my hips more tightly and began to move too. I was digging my nails into his back, moaning and calling his name. “Ahhh, I love you” I said in between breaths. I could hear him moaning close to my ear, which made me even more aroused. I then felt his warm and wet tongue on my neck and a bit of pain as he bit it. “Oh~, Dean~”. I felt myself getting closer and closer to the climax. He began moving faster and I could feel he was starting to lose the last bit of control he had on his body.

“Ohhh, you’re… mmh… such a… haa… naughty pet” he managed to say between moans “for tempting me… aah… I’ll… nnnh… punish you” he then bit my neck again and I moaned out his name as I arched my back and came. His movements became erratic and he soon came after me as he moaned my name in my ear.

We were breathing hard and it took a while until we regained our composure and got dressed.

“We need to clean ourselves, so we can go to my place to take a bath if you want to. I know you live farther away and you’re sweaty. You’ll catch a cold if you stay for too long outside like this” he said

It was nice of him to suggest this and I agreed to his proposal. I needed to clean myself. ASAP

It only took a few minutes to reach his apartment. After he turned on the water for the bath we sat down at the table to eat some food. This feels like a dream. I can’t believe this actually happened. I didn’t think he’d do this. Dum warned me that he was a corrupted teacher, but I didn’t believe him. But now I see he’s not as perfect as I imagined him to be. Although I don’t mind it. It felt better than I imagined it would be like. I felt my cheeks grow hot as I remembered what we did. To think he’d do something like that… Curiosity got the better of me and I asked him “Why did you agree to date me and why…” I trailed off trying to find the right words “why did you touch me like that?”

He stopped eating and turned his gaze to me. “I’ve had my sights set on you for a long time now. But I’m a teacher and hitting on a student would be considered outrageous. I was relieved to hear that you were feeling the same way about me. I was starting to worry that I needed to wait until you graduated to confess my love to you. Although…” he paused “we’ll have to keep this a secret. The others might jump to some false conclusions and I don’t want that. I care about my reputation. So could you keep it a secret?”

I was a bit disappointed that we had to keep this a secret, but as long as I could stay by his side I was happy. “Sure thing” I responded

“Great. I think the bath is almost ready, so let me spoil you for all your hard work”

We went to the bathroom, where he started taking off his clothes one by one. I watched him strip taking in his muscular body. Mmh, lookin’ good there, teach’. Looks like someone’s going to the gym. I heard he knows martial arts. Perhaps because he felt like I was staring at him he looked at me and grinned.

“Aren’t you going to undress?”

Oh, right, I should do it too. After we took off our clothes we went to soak in the warm water. The bathtub was large enough for both of us, so we sat across from each other. Ugh, it feels a bit awkward. The strained silence was broken by his voice.

“They say that actions speak louder than words. I want to praise you for being such a good pet, so come over here and let me spoil you” he said with a smile

I moved closer to him. Then, as I was closing the distance, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a kiss. It was hot and passionate and I felt like I was melting in his arms. I could feel the warmth of his body against mine and his hands holding me tightly to his chest. I wrapped my legs around his hips as I placed my hands on his back. I could feel his thing harden, so I slid one of my hands down to stroke it. He then let out a moan and bit my lip, which made me gasp. He then placed his hands on my butt and squeezed it.

“Mmmh, Dean”

His lips moved to my ear and whispered “Your grades are… mmh… so good, I need to… haa… praise you… nnh… more” then licked my ear

“Yes, praise me more, teacher~” I said in a husky voice. I stopped stroking his cock and began to move my hips against his, feeling his hardness between my legs. It was getting hotter and hotter and that wasn’t only because of the water.

He grabbed my hips and began to put it in and I heard his voice close to my year “You’re such a… nnnh… good pet… ahhh” his hips were moving to and fro now and he was panting hard “a really… ohh… good pet… mmmh”

“Ahhh, I love you… mmh… master~” I was holding him tightly and moaning. I need him so much. I love him more than anything else in the world. I was getting closer and closer to my peak and as I felt him tighten his hold on my hips I moaned out his name and came. I felt him take it out and i realized he hasn’t finished yet, so I put my hands on his shaft and started rubbing it

“Ahhh… yes… do it like that… mmh” I heard him moan. He then gripped my shoulders and started licking my neck. “faster… nnh”

I started moving my hands faster around his thing. I felt it throbbing under my hands. It feels so good to hear his moans and know that I’m the one making him feel this way. After some more rubbing he came and took me in his arms. He began to caress my back, moving his hand down my back and back again. This feels so relaxing. We stayed like that for a while and then got out of the water. Since it was so late he let me stay at his place and lent me one of his shirts to sleep in.

We were lying in bed, in each other’s arms, when he said “I don’t want to ever let you go, even after you graduate… will you still want to stay by my side? Even though you know how I truly am?”

“Yes, I will. My heart belongs to you. I’m all yours”

“I’m all yours too” he said and gave me a quick kiss

I felt so relaxed and happy right now like I’ve never had before. My friend was right. Love makes you happier.

#ikerev #ikemen revolution #ikerev dean #dean tweedle #smut

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