#but this video is 2.5 hours so i have to figure out if i can turn the volume down on my computer and still record the audio

[sunfoxfic]

after literally spending hours today on it, I now have a highish-quality version of the complete first My Hero Academia stage play. I'm going to go insane

[asbealthgn]

(the thrilling conclusion. also posted on ao3! here's some art of the kitten i did. part 1, 2, 2.5, 3)

The Corroded Coffin fan base find out about Steve entirely by accident.

It starts, of course, with the kitten. After Eddie’s had her for a few days he decides to make an official post on his Instagram, which is a big deal because he normally just lets his PR people handle posting. All he normally does is post shit to his story, but the kitten deserves more formal recognition than that.

So he picks his favorite pictures of her (his camera roll is filled to the brim at this point) and posts them with the caption meet the light of my life, Lemon Verbena Deathclaw Goblikon Munson (Lemon for short). It’s like kicking a wasp’s nest, but, like, the good version: everyone and their dog shares the post to their stories, edits set to any number of Corroded Coffin’s hit songs are spread across TikTok, coffintwt is in an uproar.

Several hours later, Eddie posts a video to his story. He films Lemon on the couch and asks her, “Miss Lemon, how does it feel to be the best, most famous cat in the world?” She responds by meowing loudly and trying to bite his camera. Steve is sitting on the couch, so part of his thighs end up in the video.

Aside from having great thighs, the odd sliver of Steve’s legs or torso or arms showing up in various photographs and videos that Eddie puts on his story over the next few days does not draw a lot of attention from the Corroded Coffin fanbase. If Eddie were to guess, he would probably say they assume it’s just Eddie or one of his bandmates. It’s not until Eddie posts a video of Lemon trying to climb onto the couch on her own and Steve’s hands make an appearance steadying her that people take notice. More specifically, the Twitter account that’s dedicated to posting close-ups of the members of Corroded Coffin’s hands posts a screenshot of the video with the caption those hands do not belong to our boys.

From there, it becomes a wild source of controversy on Twitter as coffintwt tries to figure out for sure if those hands belong to anyone in the band. There’s a lot of back and forth, but ultimately they seem to agree that the original poster is The Authority on the matter. Then it becomes a game of going back through other pictures of Lemon and trying to figure out if the guy showing up the background of so many of them is also someone outside the band. A lot of screenshots start flying around with captions like none of the corroded boys would wear yellow or the rest of the band other than eddie were in LA when this one was posted and so on and so on. 

A consensus is reached: Eddie has been spending a lot of time with someone not in the band, quite possibly a boyfriend.

On a rainy Tuesday three weeks after they met, Eddie lays back on his couch with Steve laying on his chest and Lemon laying on his chest. “They’re onto you, Stevie,” Eddie says. 

“Who’s onto me?” Steve asks, not looking away from the basketball game on the TV. He’s terminally offline and has been blissfully unaware of the saga unfolding. 

“Twitter,” Eddie explains. “My fans have noticed you in the background in a lot of pictures of Lemon and they’ve started putting the pieces together.”

Steve scratches Lemon under her chin and she purrs happily. “Why are they looking at me instead of her?”

“Hell if I know,” Eddie says, reaching around Steve to rub Lemon’s head. “It’s not like you’re super drop-dead gorgeous or anything.”

Grinning, Steve turns his head to kiss Eddie. “Thanks, baby.”

Before Steve can turn his attention back to the game, Eddie hooks his finger under his chin to keep Steve’s eyes on him. “I have a question for you,” he says, “Well, two questions.”

“What’s up?” Steve asks. 

“First, do you want to be my boyfriend?” Eddie knows that three weeks is kind of ridiculously fast, but Steve has practically moved in already, spending all his free time here and sleeping in Eddie’s bed most nights. So Eddie’s not super worried about what his answer is going to be.

Sure enough, Steve smiles. “Yeah, I do,” he says. He kisses Eddie before asking, “What’s the second question?”

“Well, since you said yes, do you mind if I post something about us to stop the speculation?”

“I don’t mind,” Steve says, “But can I tell Robin first so she finds out from me?”

Eddie nods. “Yeah, of course. Do you want to go ov—?” But oh, Steve is already pulling out his phone and calling Robin. Okay then. 

“Hey, Robbie! Just wanted to let you know that Eddie’s my boyfriend now….No, he wasn’t already….Well, we hadn’t talked about it….Okay, that’s kinda mean….No, it’s okay….Yeah, Lemon is great! Do you want to talk to her?” Steve holds the phone up to the kitten and she bites the microphone. Steve puts the phone back to his ear. “That was her….Okay, I actually have to go. I just wanted to tell you….Bye, love you!”

Steve puts his phone back in his pocket and then grins at Eddie. “Alright, I’m ready.”

“If there’s one thing about you, baby, you’re a go-getter,” Eddie says, laughing. He gets his own phone out and holds it out to take a picture of them. Lemon, who is fascinated by phones, looks up at the camera as he snaps the photo. Perfect. 

Eddie posts the picture with the caption the rumors are true, Lemon has two dads. she gets her looks from Steve’s side. Then he puts his phone down and wraps his arms back around Steve. He can worry about his fans’ reaction later. Right now, he has other plans.

“What do you say, boyfriend?” he murmurs in Steve’s ear. “Should we go put Lemon in the bathtub?”

tagging: @nburkhardt @stargyles @csinnamon-fox @manda-panda-monium @silly-jellyghoty @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcaring @starquirk @lightwoodbanethings @dramaticwriter @adaed5 @freyaforestafay @roaringgoodshow @sherrylyn628 @stevesbipanic @stevethehairington @henderdads @artiststarme @softboisteve @gregre369 @korixae @kokoshka67 @swimmingbirdrunningrock @piningapple @iwouldsail @thesuninyaface @aftermidnightwriting @hamiltonsteele @brassreign @bitchysunflower @homosexual-having-tea @adelicioustragedy @trashpocket @dramaticwriter @eddiemunsonswife @blackpanzy @bitchysunflower @adelicioustragedy @thegingerrapunzel @overhillunderhill @beckkthewreck @glittergluekintsugi @elyondelannoy @somegirlsomewhere @pluto-pepsi @shinekocreator @goodomensgurl @savory-babby @blues-tunes @babyblender @221b1tch

(tagging is having issues so i'll tag the rest in a reply)

[bookworm-2692]

Life Tracker updated for Episode 7! This one is much quicker than Episode 6 on account of not being on holiday at the time, even though there were two thirds more deaths this time. Previous posts: Session 6, Session 5, Session 4. Also Session 8 (finale) post!

As usual, close ups and commentary below the cut. I’ve also added another graph for the average time of each team, which will also be below the cut.

There was so much carnage! 45 whole deaths in a single session! Not all deaths were awarded time during the session, but Scott’s video advised that it would be added by next session, so I have taken the liberty to add all the time as I see fit, hence why Scott is back to 7.5 hours. I haven’t seen every episode yet (in fact, other than Scott, I’ve only seen those that have perma-died), so I’m not sure if anyone else’s time is a mismatch, but if so I’m happy to explain where I’m getting my time additions and subtractions from!

Now for some close ups.

First, there was enough chaos that I decided to take a close up of Session 6 and 7 together so we can properly appreciate it:

And a close up of Session 7 by itself:

So many people lost major time, so it’s interesting to see Scott’s uptick of time at the end - he ended on only 30 minutes less than he would have been if he hadn’t died at all this session. Pearl didn’t die at all, and got the kill credit for Martyn blowing himself up in a trap, so she actually ended the session 30 minutes better than she started it. Grian also did very well for himself - he killed and died so many times, but somehow ended on the exact time he would have been on if he had experienced a peaceful deathless session.

BigB, Cleo, and Martyn all ended the session 1 hour poorer than they started, and Bdubs and Scar ended 1.5 hours below where they would have been. Nosy Neighbours are thus doing super well, with Mean Gills and Clockers not too far behind, in terms of maintaining position from the start of the session.

TIES had an awful time this session, with Impulse and Tango both losing a net 2 hours, and Etho and Skizz losing a net 2.5 hours - and obviously Skizz entirely died.

Joel possibly had the worst time, losing a net 3.5 hours this session - though it didn’t help that 5 of his 7 deaths were all caused by the one person. Technically Jimmy didn’t do too badly, given he only lost a net 1.5 hours... but given that he was out of the series only an hour into the session, and also the first out entirely... it really didn’t go well for him either

I also find it interesting the sheer number of vertical lines this graph, the ones representing a death immediately followed by a kill or vice versa. I would love to figure out a way to show only one line at a time on the graph, so we can more easily see someone’s journey, but I haven’t had time to look into it yet.

Now onto the graph of the average times per team.

This one is super interesting to me, especially TIES’s line - they had the lowest average life right from the start, but somehow by Session 4, through Session 5, and for most of Session 6, they were the team with the highest average time, and then it quite literally went downhill from there. The only thing saving them from being last now is the fact that the Bad Boys are down to only a single living player, and even then Grian is doing far better than most of TIES.

It’s also interesting to me how Mean Gills had a significant time uptick at the end of both Session 6 and Session 7 (the first due to Martyn and the second due to Scott). Scott’s time was so high that it kept Mean Gills’ average time as yellow for all of Session 6 despite Martyn being red for most of it... and Martyn then got enough kills to keep it there. Mean Gills is also the only team in the entire graph to anywhere gain such consistent significant time.

These averages also coincide with the comments I made above about the time offset difference for each player from the start to end of the session. Mean Gills are doing well, but they’ve been doing well for so long that I’m sure most players are aware that they need to be a target. Nosy Neighbours are also doing well but I feel like they’ve flown under the radar, and are not a significant target right now.

Here is a close up of this graph with Sessions 1-4:

And the close up for Session 5-7:

And the Session 7 only close up:

I kept the dead players in the teams’ averages, since I think it is a better reflection of the teams’ strength as a whole, but I also created a version that excluded dead players. In those screenshots you can really see Bad Boys’ and TIES’ time jumping up at a death, instead of falling as it did here.

Here are the alternate averages graph:

And close ups:

This makes Bad Boys look a lot better, because Grian does have a lot of time... but he is also alone. And there is definitely strength in numbers. Two players at an hour and a half each can fend off an attacker more easily than a single player at three hours can... unless nerves and panic get to them, as we definitely saw this session.

Wow and I almost forgot to include the raw data for this session!

The first hour of the session:

The second hour of the session:

There is just so much death! Look at all the box outlines!! I could barely fit this data on two screens on the zoom I was on, and I did not want to zoom out further.

I also obviously have data for the averages, but it was too far away from the column with the times on it that I wasn’t sure if it would still be useful on its own? Let me know if you want to see it!

This has once again been fascinating to see, and I cannot wait to see how Session 8 will go. Will it be the last session? Will they go until everyone is dead? Will they somehow have enough people with enough time to get to Session 9? Will Mean Gills be the final two and get to play fun relaxing games like Scott was suggesting? 

Only time will tell.

[blueeyedgrlwrites]

Alright kids. I spent 24 straight hours watching RWRB on loop (not kidding). And the only reason it wasn't more was because my dog decided to lay on the remote and turn the TV off late last night. She got glared at rather harshly for all of 3 seconds before my rational brain kicked in and told me, "Yes, Meg, you do actually need to sleep. You are closer to 40 than 20."

So with that, as I once again rewatch the RWRB movie, let's have some thoughts on book to movie adaptations from a fandom grandma, shall we?

First, Casey's book is beloved by so many and for all the right reasons. They gave us an iconically beautiful and unapologetic queer love story with characters that you love, get frustrated with, laugh both at and with, cheer for, and roll your eyes at as they stumble around figuring out this whole queer-in-the-public-eye thing and I don't care who you are, I'd imagine that's going to be tough for any public figure at any age.

Casey also gives us fleshed out and sometimes interwoven storylines with June, Nora, Pez, Luna, Bea, et al. Because writing allows for that to develop. There's no time or page limit on a book. The only limit to the book is the writer's imagination. It's an artistic medium that allows for more intricacies and interactions between the various characters (looking at Alex and Ellen and the PowerPoint, and Alex and Bea and "I love him on purpose").

I loved the book first, and I will continue to love the book above all else.

But book to movie adaptations are never going to be the same. They simply can't be the same. They have a finite amount of time to fill. They can't develop intricate storylines, which is why we see no June, no Luna, little of Percy, Alex's parents being married instead of divorced, nothing on Bea's addiction, and why we have little bastards like Miguel to still fill the main event that brings both Alex and Henry out into the public as their true, authentic selves.

The best book to movie adaptations are those that stay true to the plot. It's going to be faster paced because there's 2-2.5 hours in which to tell the story and all the main events have to be hit in that time. It's why we see the texting montage, and why the emails are done via voice over.

They honor the characters by not only keeping them as they are in the books, but in doing right by them as well. That includes casting the right people, and Taylor and Nick were far and away the best Alex and Henry.

Any creator who has ever created anything based on a book, movie, TV series, video game, etc. knows that when you take something that is already out there, you put your vision to the story. And that's what Matthew did with the movie. He made it his love letter to Henry and Alex, and Henry and Alex only. And while he surely had input from Casey, ultimately it was his vision that had to be realized in the movie.

Movie adaptations can also give you some wonderful added moments. And here we get to see Henry's struggle as well as Alex's. Because movies can be told from different points of view, even if the source material isn't. Ellen's powerpoint wasn't included, but it was referenced and that is just as important.

So many moments, from Alex and Henry's first kiss, to the conversation with Alex's dad, to Henry's soliloquy to Alex in the middle of the night at KP are still pulled word-for-word straight from the book.

We may not have "I love him on purpose." But we do have, "I'll break the sound barrier for you."

We don't get "Your Song" but we do get "Can't Help Falling in Love" and both are equally appropriate for what Alex and Henry have.

We get to keep, "history huh? Bet we could make some."

And we get to see Henry fight for himself and question why the established norms of a 21st century monarchy need to continue the way they've always been, rather than have his mum swoop in and save the day. And that is fucking brilliant character growth my friends.

No movie is ever going to be a scene by scene rehash of a book, no matter how beloved it is, and no matter how enthusiastically all of us shout that we would absolutely sit for a 10 hour movie of every little thing TYVM. But as long as it is there to be an ode to the original, to compliment it, then that's all you can ask for. And it's all you should ask for.

[transflynnscifo]

Tales of Vesperia Blurays

hello to anyone who’s scrolling the vesperia tag! I have finally gone around to digitizing other vesperia materials I possess that aren’t.. really anywhere online. (i may have put this off for at least as early as when I scanned light novel stuff)

anyway. the drive folder im providing includes: the vesperia stage play!!, the 10th anniversary party!!, tales of homeroom: tov edition!!, first strike 2019 bluray version!!

just keep in mind the following: you’ll have to download the things to watch them. you’ll most likely need to watch them through VLC media too. and they’re all unsubbed because translation is really not my forte

if you’re seeing this post and havent in any form completed/seen the game then do beware spoilers being in there, proceed with your own discretion. other than that, have fun! if anyone wants to translate these (they are all RAWs after all) please feel free to :)

goes without saying that if there’s any errors (there’s only so much I can proof-watch at once), do let me know!

that all aside. here’s the Contents (details) :

-Tales of The Stage: Justice of Light and Shadow (2019). Includes disc 1 (the play itself), and disc 2 (bonus content included in the bluray itself. stuff with the actual stage actors and whatnot)

I have so many thoughts on the stage play and i consider it a worthwhile experience! its like a little treat (though the speedrun being done here to get as much main story content covered within 2.5 hours is a sight to behold LMAO) (and even then, the stage play diverts from the main story to a good degree :3c)

-Tales of Vesperia 10th Anniversary Party (2018), also known as the celebratory party that was done live with all the voice actors leading the show! it’s overall very sweet and charming. this includes 2 discs, each containing a recording of 2 different days when the party took place, if that makes sense. any other videos in the folder is the bonus segments included in the bluray too, in a similar fashion to the stage play

-Tales of Vesperia ~The First Strike~ 10th Anniversary Edition (2019), and Yes, we do have the movie available online, but i figured i could provide the bluray version that you would get if you got the definitive edition of the game in Japan. could make use for some HD screenshots perhaps.

the plus to the new bluray: it INCLUDES a 30 minute skit present on the disc as a bonus. im also providing the menu animation for the bluray since I somehow could rip that too and it looks pretty neat (:

-Tales of Homeroom, the two tales of vesperia episodes that you could only get through, again, the first strike bluray (2019). If you’ve seen some of the tales of HR videos uploaded on youtube, then you’ll know what this is about. if not, no fret! it’s just 2 tiny episodes centered around the vesperia cast on a vacation :)

Link to the Bluray Stuff

Link to the post where I scanned light novel illustrations and the danzaisha no keifu manga

eventually i should get to finding a way to put out the drama cds i own too. hopefully i don’t stall as long as i have with these

EDIT 30th September: new masterpost as I don’t want to use gdrive

[aonoexpat]

Stumbled a little bit, but getting back up!

14-02-2023

After the rush of running around getting a bank account, a tax number, a phone number, a guitar, a more permanent place to stay and a job, I somehow, miraculously, weirdly, had a little dip in my energy levels. So I spent some days sorting myself out a little more calmly, and granted myself a late afternoon trip to the beach for my first swim!

The weather was still lovely and the water was very refreshing, though I hurried out again quite quickly when I saw a sting ray egg and confused it for a jellyfish 😅

That night my friend took me to Wilton's bush to go glow worm spotting. It was absolutely magical to see them just hanging (literally) around in such numbers. Unfortunately my camera couldn't capture their faint light, but imagine that starry tunnel in Efteling's Droomvlucht and you'll get an accurate idea of what it looked like. We also saw some spiders, and eels in the creek (I touched one and it was YUCKY):

The next day we went on a beautiful hike along the Skyline track, which was my first introduction to the scorching Aotearoa sun. I applied SPF50 broad-spectrum sunscreen a total of four times in three hours and still got very close to getting burned. But the views were grand! It's funny how hills in the background can sometimes feel like generated terrain in video games, like places outside of the map you can move in as a player. But you can just walk up them, and there's a path there, and you can go anywhere you like, and it makes you feel really free 😊

The background choir of cicadas is still ringing in my ears. These noisy little bugs are everywhere around here, but difficult to spot sometimes. I managed to capture this one on film, but be warned: it's LOUD

I ended up with two huge blisters on my heels from the hike, but don't you think for a second that that stopped me from going to a ceilidh dance at the local Gaelic Club that evening! Had a grand time, and the keyboard player celebrated his 90th birthday with us :)

The next day it was time to put my skills to the test and try my hand at busking at the Harbourside fruit & veggie market. I got there way too late so it was tricky to find a good spot, but I ended up playing for about 2.5 hours and made upwards of 30 bucks, so I was pretty content! I also got gifted a plate of food and a nice cold can of Sprite by a passer-by, and a lady told me to get a loudspeaker so people could hear me better. Luckily I already got my hands on one the other day, so next time I'll bring it!

A great experience all in all, but unfortunately this was also my second encounter with the intensity of the sun, and this time I wasn't as well-prepared.

As you can see, it was a fairly overcast day, so I thought it was safe enough. But I sorely (again, literally) regret putting off applying sunscreen for as long as I did, for the next day my friend found me throwing up in the bathroom with a bright red and swollen face. "Sun stroke? Yeah. It happens." He got me a glass of water and some rehydration medicine and kept a watchful eye over me the rest of the day. It's times like this when I curse the pressing issue of online privacy because I vowed not to upload pictures of my face on this blog but by god you should have seen it, it's still not back to normal and probably won't be for up to a week. It's painful and itchy and has started to peel now, and every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of what a fool I was for thinking it would be fine. A hard-learned lesson I won't soon forget.

Here's my artist's rendition of the transformation of my face:

So, I've been taking it easy since then: staying in as much as possible, watching some House of the Dragon on my friend's HBO account, convincing my bank that yes, I do have a valid visa, and no, I'm not laundering money, and figuring out how to work that loudspeaker for next weekend's markets. There's a storm raging over the North Island right now, cyclone Gabrielle, so staying in isn't much of a punishment. Te Whanganui-a-tara mostly experiences rain and strong winds, luckily nothing that warrants alarm, let alone evacuations.

Tomorrow I start my training at the bar, which I'm very excited about! It turns out the wages as established in my contract are a little stingy, but I'll live. I'm happy to have something for now, and if I don't enjoy it enough, I'll leave again. I look forward to having more of a routine, and a steady income to ease my worries a little. Life here is expensive, and with money transfers from The Netherlands taking several working days to arrive I'm feeling a little anxious every now and then. Luckily my friends here are happy to help me out if necessary. I'm very, very lucky to have them to rely on over here ❤️

[acanvasofabillionsuns]

hi sorry squirreling away all the quotes i like here

"Why can't I eat ice cream all night?" She says it with a challenge in her eyes, but he'd bet dollars to donuts that she's just doing it to make him sweat. "Because I've seen you eat ice cream, we've only got enough for two hours at most." His hand migrates as if of its own mind to his hip. "You need more than two people for Dungeons and Dragons, right?" Her brows raise, for the first time since he's met her Erica Sinclair is stunned silent. Maybe she's just surprised he got the name right. It lasts about as long as it takes him to notice it. "You'd play Dungeons and Dragons with me?" There's something fragile in the way she asks, and there is the eleven year old girl she's meant to be.  "Sure, you'd have to show me how, but if that's what you want to do I'm game." Eyes narrowed in a distinctly intimidating way he kind of thinks she stole from Nancy, he does his best to make his sincerity clear on his face. "We need more than two people, but I've got something else we can do if you think your fragile manhood can take it." He's got a retort at the tip of his tongue about just what his manhood can take and remembers just in time that yeah probably shouldn't make a joke like that in front of an actual child. "My pride isn't that delicate, I think I can handle anything you dish out." "Famous last words."

“That one just won the Nobel Peace Prize, she solved world hunger, but she has plans to kill the Barbie who won the prize in Physics because she stole Barbie One’s research and gave it to NASA claiming it was her own.” “Right, of course.” This was the kind of shit that happened on Dallas, only Barbie had a lot more awards. “And they’re all called Barbie?” “Except for Ken, but Ken doesn’t do anything.” “Well if Barbie just won the Peace Prize wouldn’t she use Ken to kill Barbie so she doesn’t get caught.” Erica manages a look that is both condescending and considerate. “Barbie can do anything, including get away with murder; but she wouldn’t want to dirty her hands with that sort of thing.” “And if Ken goes to jail it’s no loss.” “Right.”

Dustin comes sprinting into Family Video on a Tuesday afternoon. “Steve! I need your car.” “Did you learn how to drive when I wasn’t paying attention?” “Obviously, I meant I need you too.” His hands are on his hips, eyes rolled. Shit maybe he did get it from Steve. “There’s this theoretical physicist coming to Notre Dame to give a talk on the Multiverse Theory.” Steve was allowing himself a second to consider whether this was worth it, for once, instead of just blindly agreeing to drive Dustin wherever. The drive sucked ass, but it would put him close enough to Chicago that he could try to find a music store that would carry albums from the international metal bands Eddie couldn’t stop talking about. It was a second too long for Dustin. “Steve, a theoretical physicist-” See Steve had this suspicion that the kids did actually think he was an idiot. He was pretty sure that none of them, hell maybe none of Hellfire, save for Lucas realized that every athlete in the school had to keep up at least a 2.5 GPA. Which might not have been anything to write home about but Steve kept a 3.2 for most of high school, until the multiple concussions started to catch up with him. He wasn’t stupid, was the point and even if they didn’t think he was an idiot in a mean way he was a little sick of the shit. “I know, like Barbie.” That shuts Dustin up real quick.

El is facedown on her bed in a clear ‘leave me alone I’m crying’ pose but he figures he’s already here it’s not like he can turn around and tell Hop that he was too afraid to approach a crying teenage girl. Like that wasn’t the whole reason he’d been sent in the first place.

The Paladin before you is handsome in a bland, approachable, non-threatening way," Mike opens his mouth again, how is that not like Steve surely perched at the edge of his tongue and stopped in its tracks by elbows from Erica and Joey. "He introduces himself to his rescuer, Will the Wise, 'Thank you, kind sir, I would have been down there for ages before my lady noticed my absence. I am Sir Kenneth.'" "What deity does he serve?" Will asks, something suspicious drawing across his face. "Is there a holy symbol on his armor?" Gareth follows up. Gareth has been backing a lot of Will's plays lately, Steve thinks something might be going on there but he hasn't wanted to deal with Eddie teasing him for being a meddling matchmaker, again. "There is no identifiable holy symbol on his clothes or armor." Eddie says, there's a mischief in his eyes, the way he tilts his head with quiet challenge and smiles. "What God do you serve?" Erica asks, blunt and to the point. She gets cranky when her rogue doesn't have anything to stab. "'The Lady in Pink,' he answers."

"Why would I have asked that, Sinclair the elder? He has stars in his eyes when he speaks, 'before she ascended she was already limitless. A powerful warrior, an expert marksman, a mage beyond compare. Her power grew and grew until the only place left to explore was godhood.'" "And what's her real name, if we wanted to spread the word?" Joey asks. "'Oh she's everything. She's the lady in pink, she's the goddess with the golden mane, but before she ascended she favored one name I assume she has kept it.'" "What is it?" Mike asks, perched at the edge of his seat. "Oh no," Dustin whispers, a dawning horror on his face. "'Barbara, though she preferred it shortened. Nicknames you call them," Steve sees the joke, knows where this is going a split second before reality breaks through the haze of fantasy for the players around the table. Eddie's smirking now, smile too pleased and too attractive. "'Y'know like Barbie?'"

y'know like barbie

ao3

It's Erica who gives him the idea, incidentally. Though she carries herself with a maturity that far surpasses the boys most days and though she's been through multiple life altering events, she does continue to only be eleven. Which is, it turns out, prime babysitting age.

The Sinclairs are going out of town overnight, it's their anniversary -- 18 blissful years, since our marriage can vote we thought we deserved a night away -- and they don't want Erica to spend the night home alone.

Enter Steve, who the Sinclairs trust with their children and who is inexplicably the only person Erica would accept staying the night with her. Steve honestly didn't believe it even as Mrs. Sinclair was saying it. But he smiles and nods, looks over the emergency numbers on the fridge when they're pointed to, nods at the money on the counter for food that he probably won't take, and waves as they walk out the door promising that he and Erica will be fine for the night and not to worry.

It's only when their car is out of the driveway and the door is shut that Steve realizes he isn't really a babysitter. He is a keep children alive while in a dangerous situation and when the situation is over drive them around because you feel bad that their childhoods have been marred by trauma-er which doesn't have quite the same ring as babysitter, and it's a lot harder to say with that rude tone the boys have been favoring. He also realizes that he's never actually dealt with children, or not girl children. The boys had all been older than Erica, when he had started keeping them alive. Max was definitely basically a teenager when he started really dealing with her; and she was usually okay to do what the boys wanted to do, like go to the arcade. Hopper didn't really trust him with El and that was fine, he wasn't sure he trusted himself with El either.

It put him in an awkward spot now though. Staring at Erica in her kitchen, a little afraid to ask the question on the front of his mind which was "What now?"

So he asks the second question on his mind, "What do you want to do that isn't eat ice cream all night?"

Say what you will about Steve Harrington, and a lot has been said, but he always keeps his promises and he always brings a pint of ice-cream for Erica to have when he comes over to the Sinclair house. Tonight he brought three, all different weird flavors he thought she'd like to try.

"Why can't I eat ice cream all night?" She says it with a challenge in her eyes, but he'd bet dollars to donuts that she's just doing it to make him sweat. "Because I've seen you eat ice cream, we've only got enough for two hours at most." His hand migrates as if of its own mind to his hip. "You need more than two people for Dungeons and Dragons, right?"

Her brows raise, for the first time since he's met her Erica Sinclair is stunned silent. Maybe she's just surprised he got the name right.

It lasts about as long as it takes him to notice it. "You'd play Dungeons and Dragons with me?" There's something fragile in the way she asks, and there is the eleven year old girl she's meant to be. 

"Sure, you'd have to show me how, but if that's what you want to do I'm game."

Eyes narrowed in a distinctly intimidating way he kind of thinks she stole from Nancy, he does his best to make his sincerity clear on his face. "We need more than two people, but I've got something else we can do if you think your fragile manhood can take it."

He's got a retort at the tip of his tongue about just what his manhood can take and remembers just in time that yeah probably shouldn't make a joke like that in front of an actual child. "My pride isn't that delicate, I think I can handle anything you dish out."

"Famous last words."

He follows her to her bedroom, waiting outside the doorway to let her space stay private until he's told to come in. A clear plastic tub slides out from under her bed, out of sight but easily accessible and when the lid pops off he gets why. Rows of Barbies stacked neatly on top of each other, a mass grave for childhood. Steve has a stuffed bear, fur rubbed off of one ear, tucked up on the shelf of his closet that also got put away sooner than he would have chosen to, when it was too babyish.

“Alright, so who is the, like, elven warrior.”

“That’s not how you play Barbies.”

It’s snapped so fast that he thinks it embarasses her. He tactfully avoids eye contact, pulling out a doll with blonde hair snipped into a professional, if uneven, bob and a green skirt set. She's missing a shoe. “Then how do I play Barbies?”

“That one just won the Nobel Peace Prize, she solved world hunger, but she has plans to kill the Barbie who won the prize in Physics because she stole Barbie One’s research and gave it to NASA claiming it was her own.”

“Right, of course.” This was the kind of shit that happened on Dallas, only Barbie had a lot more awards. “And they’re all called Barbie?”

“Except for Ken, but Ken doesn’t do anything.”

“Well if Barbie just won the Peace Prize wouldn’t she use Ken to kill Barbie so she doesn’t get caught.”

Erica manages a look that is both condescending and considerate. “Barbie can do anything, including get away with murder; but she wouldn’t want to dirty her hands with that sort of thing.”

“And if Ken goes to jail it’s no loss.”

“Right.”

-

So maybe it's more accurate to say that Dustin actually starts it.

Dustin with the shittiest attitude this side of the Ohio, something Robin blames him for.

“Like father, like son.”

“Dustin doesn’t even know his dad.”

“I mean you and Eddie, dingus.”

“I am not that kid's dad. A brotherly figure at best, strong male role model more likely.”

“He’s a bitch because you are, Steve. Maybe if your and Eddie’s love language wasn’t being as bitchy as possible it wouldn’t have rubbed off on your kid.”

“Please don’t put Dustin and rubbing off in the same paragraph let alone the same thought wave.”

Dustin comes sprinting into Family Video on a Tuesday afternoon. “Steve! I need your car.”

“Did you learn how to drive when I wasn’t paying attention?”

“Obviously, I meant I need you too.” His hands are on his hips, eyes rolled. Shit maybe he did get it from Steve. “There’s this theoretical physicist coming to Notre Dame to give a talk on the Multiverse Theory.”

Steve was allowing himself a second to consider whether this was worth it, for once, instead of just blindly agreeing to drive Dustin wherever. The drive sucked ass, but it would put him close enough to Chicago that he could try to find a music store that would carry albums from the international metal bands Eddie couldn’t stop talking about.

It was a second too long for Dustin. “Steve, a theoretical physicist-”

See Steve had this suspicion that the kids did actually think he was an idiot. He was pretty sure that none of them, hell maybe none of Hellfire, save for Lucas realized that every athlete in the school had to keep up at least a 2.5 GPA. Which might not have been anything to write home about but Steve kept a 3.2 for most of high school, until the multiple concussions started to catch up with him. He wasn’t stupid, was the point and even if they didn’t think he was an idiot in a mean way he was a little sick of the shit.

“I know, like Barbie.”

That shuts Dustin up real quick.

“N- no, not like Barbie! Barbie is some girl's toy.”

“Excuse me?” Robin, who told Steve that she would not help him parent his children on work days or any other day ending in y had remembered that Martes doesn’t have one and her shift was almost over. “What does that mean, exactly, a girl’s toy?”

“And,” Steve adds, because he can and because Eddie made him drive him to fucking Bloomington because he was fixated on time travel and needed access to some science journal that only existed at Indiana U apparently, “Barbie is on a research team looking for the Higgs particle so she can start figuring out time travel.”

The bell chiming as Dustin leaves has never sounded sweeter.

He’ll definitely end up taking the twerp to stupid Notre Dame.

-

The thing is that Steve thinks he’s never really stopped being a bitch.

He doesn’t want to stop. He likes being bitchy. It’s fun, when you’re doing it with people you like it’s pretty funny, and honestly he’s kinda like Spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility, he’s only bitchy responsibly now.

And it’s actually perfectly responsible as an older brother type babysitter figure to correct the behavior of the younger siblings by being bitchy. If they don’t learn at home they’ll go out in the world thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable, see Steve Harrington in his early high school days who talked to people like his father did.

So when Mike interrupts El with, “I’m not going to ask Steve, he probably doesn’t even know what a Pulitzer is either.”

He says, “Oh, yeah like Barbie won. Or Nancy will someday, probably. It’s a journalism award, Wheeler.”

And when Lucas corrects, “I don’t actually think you can win an award for comics. It’s still really great though, Will!”

“Barbie won the Kirby Award in 1985 for best artist, I’m sure Will is soon to follow.”

Or when Nancy tells Holly, “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to be something important instead?”

“You could be an actress and do something cool like go to space if you want, Hols, like Barbie.” And maybe he says it with a little more bitch than he should that time, but he’s seen the ballerinas in Nancy’s room, she didn’t always want to be an investigative journalist.

It gets to be second nature. When someone starts being shitty about something or to lighten the mood.

Erica doubts whether she should run for student council. It's her first step to being actual president, like Barbie.

Dustin makes a crack about Steve's possible future prospects when he butts in on a conversation between Steve and Robin. "I could do all three, I could be a counselor and a hair stylist and an engineer. Maybe I'll add EMT too, Barbie wouldn't stop at three, why should I?"

Or when Mike sneers at him, "What are you a cop?" All because Steve told him not to buy weed now that Eddie had stopped dealing.

"Ew, no, because you look like a fresh-faced little narc trying to be cool and you're gonna get ripped off."

"What so not like Barbie?"

"The Barbie world has achieved equality at a level that it doesn't need the cops." Eddie sometimes has to get high after a run in with Powell or Calahan who he still doesn't really trust after the spring. Steve has been treated to many a lecture on why the police were a waste of resources.

He lets Mike sit with that for a minute before he adds, "Like Barbie, I am very cool and know what it looks like when I'm being taken for a ride. If you're gonna get pot from someone other than Eddie, ask Hop where he used to get all of his shit."

It doesn't feel stupid, until El comes running into the cabin one afternoon that Steve has decided to join the rebuilding effort. It’s actually just him and Hop, who has started trying to quietly parent him, something he’s not entirely convinced isn’t revenge for telling Wheeler that Hop has smoked pot before. Steve is pretty sure El was crying when she came in, something he bumps up to a certainty when he sees how awkward Hop looks right now.

“You mind taking that kid? It’s been a long time since high school.” he rubs the back of his neck, Steve does appreciate that he has the decency to feel weird about asking. “If it’s anything outside of big brother shit I can take over.”

He does let himself get suckered by that big brother line.

El is facedown on her bed in a clear ‘leave me alone I’m crying’ pose but he figures he’s already here it’s not like he can turn around and tell Hop that he was too afraid to approach a crying teenage girl. Like that wasn’t the whole reason he’d been sent in the first place. “Hey Ellie, can I come in?”

She sits up, tear tracks plain on her face but no more are falling, and nods in that endearing, aggressively certain way she’s got. “Is everything okay?” He pauses and asks, “Was it Mike?” because he knows that’ll be the first thing Hopper asks when Steve comes back out.

“You are worse than Dad.”

“That stings, Ellie Bell.”

She takes a deep breath, steeling an already impressive will, “Lucas says it is okay to just want to be happy right now, but all they talk about is what they are going to do. Dustin is talking about going to admission early, Will talks about talking to Dad and Joyce about art school, Lucas worries about his sports and scholarships, and Mike talks about classes that count twice. I do not know what I want to be. I do not know why I have to be anything.”

“You guys have been through a lot. I don’t think anyone would blame you for taking time to just be a kid.”

“What if I never want to be something? What if I do not ever want to go to college?”

He’s made his way over to the bed with her, sits tentatively on the edge like he’s seen Joyce do before. “Then you don’t. You’ll probably have to get a job at some point, but that doesn’t have to be what you are. Lucas isn’t a landscaper just because he mows lawns in the summer.”

“You don’t think Dad would be upset?” she asks.

“I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would really make Hop mad. And you might change your mind. I've been out of school for almost two years and I’m only thinking about college now. Or you could go to college and change your mind about what you want to be. You could be a hundred things, you could be anything! Like Barbie.”

He feels like an idiot almost immediately. A jerk quickly after that. He’s made El’s genuine crisis part of his stupid running joke. But something settles in the room. The underlying tension, the thing that had the hair on the back of his neck raised. He realizes, now, that her powers had probably also been on edge.

"Like Barbie." She says it with a graven seriousness, like Steve's dumb little joke is a mantra now.

"Yeah, and you're a sophomore you don't have to have your whole life figured out right now. And don't take life advice from Henderson anyway, he thought it was a good idea to raise an Upside Down slug as a pet."

He mostly just used it to be a bitch though. Because it was fun. No, it was what he was good at. So good at it he didn't even have to try.

Because Steve had a plan to be bitchy. Specifically to Mike Wheeler who kept flirting with Steve’s boyfriend while taking advantage of his hospitality. Sure it was at their stupid Dungeons and Dragons game, and yeah Steve was the one who said they could host the game at his house now that Eddie had graduated. Yes, he knew Eddie didn't mean anything by it when he responded and usually didn't flirt back with the kids. But it was still the kind of behavior that had to be gently corrected, for Mike's sake because if he didn't stop things were going to get drastic.

His initial plan is already in action. He encouraged El to come along to watch the Party play. It was, admittedly, a half hearted plan. Wheeler got so awkward anytime El was around he mostly just hoped that would keep him from trying anything.

It isn't. Eddie starts to describe a new character, "Blonde and statuesque, she has a long bow in hand and delicate elven features."

And even though El is sitting a few feet from him Mike perks up the way he always does when there's a new NPC to flirt with. He is going to have to have a talk with Eddie about letting the kid try out a bard.

He does at least have one other tool in his belt. "Oh, like Barbie."

Steve knew what he'd get as he said it. A groan from Dustin, who falls for this as being sincere about as often as he falls for the dumb-dumbs and dipshits line -- which is everytime for the record. Will and Lucas keep their laughs small, enough that they're covered by Erica's snort. The original Hellfire crew mostly looks confused, it's becoming less and less their default as they warm up to the Steve he is rather than the Steve they thought they remembered; but he likes to keep them on their toes.

Eddie is charmed. He can tell. Sees him duck his head behind his screen and his binders, trying to preserve the stern and scary dungeon master image. That apparently isn't possible if you're smiling like an idiot at your stupid boyfriend, so he's been told.

And Mike has maybe been on the wrong end of the joke a few more times than everyone else. He turns an interesting shade of red, two parts anger and one part embarrassed is Steve's guess. The foot stomp is unexpected, but he expects its been passed down the Wheeler line as a shared signal of outrage. "Not like Barbie, this isn't some stupid kids game. She's probably a hot, wisened archer ready to reward us for helping her village, not some stupid doll that you're obsessed with."

Eddie's blank face with the twitchy eyes has fallen into place when he sits back up from behind his screen. His things aren't going according to plan, panicked face. "I think that's a good place to end things this week. Wheeler, Henderson, Jeff, and Lady Applejack you've all cleared enough experience to level right? Do that before next week."

Steve knows enough to keep his mouth shut while everyone packs up to leave. Sends a small smile to Erica on her way out to the family minivan, he knows she struggles a little being the youngest at the table even if she won't say it. He has to imagine that the outburst had stung a bit.

"You gotta be nicer to little Wheeler." Eddie chides once everyone is gone, halfhearted at best when he's telling Steve off into the soft skin of his neck. When he feels the admonishment more than hears it.

"I'm not mean to Mike." He says on instinct, he does try not to be. "And he started it."

"Definitely think you started the Barbie thing, Sweetheart."

And well, yeah. "I Barbie all the kids equally."

Eddie hmms Steve can feel the vibration of it through his back and on his neck. Eddie is about to start something he better plan on finishing. "He asked Hop where he should get weed."

Oh. "I didn't think he'd actually do it!" And then, "Is that why he keeps flirting with you, revenge?"

"No, he's got a bunch of misplaced jealousy because Will and the girls think you're hot." He toys with the edge of Steve's shirt as he says it. Perpetually cold fingers brushing the clothes warmed skin beneath making him shiver.

"The girls don't think I'm hot."

He hums again, nips at the blush red skin at Steve's neck. "El used to, Max definitely has a taste for jock.

"That's not my fault, you let Mike play a bard." He wishes he didn't sound so desperate.

"Wanted to leave the Paladin spot open for you, baby."

"I'm starting to feel convinced, we could go upstairs and you could show me your character sheet."

The things he'll say to get laid.

"Don't think I can do that Stevie, smooth as a Ken doll down there. Could show you the actual character sheet though." 

His back is cold as Eddie pulls away, smirking unrepentant as he lets Steve have the tiniest taste of his own medicine.

"Barbie has a very active sex life, actually." He's never been one not to double down. "Let me show you the fun we can have without getting your dick out."

-

He does leave it alone for a little while, even though he really, really doesn't want to. But despite what his friends, his fifth grade report card, and his mom might think; Steve is capable of keeping a hold of his worst impulses when he wants to.

So he lets opportunity pass him by.

He makes no comment about Barbie when Eddie talks about how John Carpenter is a film auteur. Not even when Dustin tries to define auteur for him. Incorrectly, but Robin comes to Steve's defense.

Barbie goes unmentioned, barely when an argument breaks out about Nobel prize winners, of all things. He thinks the kids argue more now than they ever have like it's the only way they have to get their bloodlust out now that the Upside Down was closed. He was quickly boxed out of the conversation, even if Erica kept sending him little glances over everyone's heads. (She'd let him have Peace Prize Barbie a couple weeks ago and maybe he was a little obsessed.)

Holly wants to be a vet now, a singing vet who is also on TV, but mostly a vet. She tells him all about it while he waits for Mike to find his shoes? Definitely not his quarters for the arcade, the day any of them bring those is the day Steve brings the nail bat back out. He’s one impulse purchase away from getting one of those little coin dispenser belts that the employees have -- Gareth just quit, maybe he still had his? Mike's frown is a little less general annoyance at Steve and a little more confusion when he's finally ready to leave and Barbie has gone unmentioned.

He almost breaks again when Eddie starts talking about sports. Or he starts talking about NASCAR which is close enough for Eddie, he has a surprising taste for racing for someone who never wanted to put his van on the starting line at parties. A woman led a Busch Series race for the first time, what a year '86. He's got no opinion on Barbie's ability to drive at all.

He could let a joke go. He could be nice. It wasn't so out of character that it needed this kind of attention.

-

Mike has forgiven him by the time the next session rolls around. Delayed two weeks after Eddie screamed so loud on stage that he couldn't speak for two days, and then again for Jeff's emergency appendectomy. Eddie has stopped leaving pointed gaps in conversation for Steve to fill with mention of Barbie, he has had his thinking face on instead which is good for Steve about as often as it isn't.

He leaves it alone. A little bit of non-life threatening surprise is good for the soul, or something. Listen, he’s made it this far by only asking questions when shit is about to get really, really bad and Eddie’s thinking face has only resulted in something bad once or twice -- and they probably should have spent more than a couple minutes negotiating that particular kink anyway.

When the kids start showing up and nothing has come from the thinking face, he assumes it was just for them anyway. He settles in to see whatever shit Eddie is going to do.

"From the ditch you pull a human man, a paladin. His plate is dirtied by his time on the ground but clearly gleams in its typical state. He's handsome, a square jaw and fluffy brown hair-"

"Ugh is this Steve? You already made us do a quest for him," Mike complains, maybe he hasn’t completely forgiven Steve for that last interruption.

Steve has, by his own count been the inspiration for at least three NPCs for this campaign: a white light faction rogue, Sol, that the party had to rescue from the dungeons of the nightmare King after he was caught sneaking into the bedrooms of the prince -- like it was Steve's fault that Wayne had super hearing; a young fighter from the gladiatorial combat ring who helped the party rescue a group of kidnapped children that were going to be used as bait in the next round of fights; and the most obvious Prince Stefan who sent the party on a quest to kill his betrothed a Duke called Thomas the Boarish and rescue his knight Rowen and beloved Bard Edwin -- it's not like he could unkiss Tommy, and he could be a dick but boarish was dramatic. 

He was not this paladin, assuming Eddie was telling the truth about saving the Paladin he'd made for Steve.

"Cut the out of character chatter, Michael, before it starts counting in game. The Paladin before you is handsome in a bland, approachable, non-threatening way," Mike opens his mouth again, how is that not like Steve surely perched at the edge of his tongue and stopped in its tracks by elbows from Erica and Joey. "He introduces himself to his rescuer, Will the Wise, 'Thank you, kind sir, I would have been down there for ages before my lady noticed my absence. I am Sir Kenneth.'"

"What deity does he serve?" Will asks, something suspicious drawing across his face.

"Is there a holy symbol on his armor?" Gareth follows up. Gareth has been backing a lot of Will's plays lately, Steve thinks something might be going on there but he hasn't wanted to deal with Eddie teasing him for being a meddling matchmaker, again.

"There is no identifiable holy symbol on his clothes or armor." Eddie says, there's a mischief in his eyes, the way he tilts his head with quiet challenge and smiles.

"What God do you serve?" Erica asks, blunt and to the point. She gets cranky when her rogue doesn't have anything to stab.

"'The Lady in Pink,' he answers."

Any time Eddie reveals lore shit there's always a bunch of people talking over top of each other. It always turns into the kind of mass blob of shouting that Steve has a hard time parsing out, especially these days. Eddie somehow manages to distinguish not only people but the things they're saying and keeps his cool enough to keep the story going.

"Roll your insight, Gareth. Jeff, with a 15 history check, you have heard some whisperings from your homeland about a newly ascended goddess but not a name. Dustin, you're not getting shit with a 5 don't even try that but my back story says shit with me. Will, pretty sure that's a cleric spell but I'll let you have it he's a Neutral Good alignment. An 18, shit, yeah Garebear he does seem to be telling the truth that is the deity he follows; but that isn't the whole truth, you know a lot of the newer pantheon have a colloquial name and a true name."

"I'm sorry," Lucas says, "we aren't familiar with your lady. What can you tell us about her? Why would she leave you there? And that's a 14 on persuasion before you even ask."

"Why would I have asked that, Sinclair the elder? He has stars in his eyes when he speaks, 'before she ascended she was already limitless. A powerful warrior, an expert marksman, a mage beyond compare. Her power grew and grew until the only place left to explore was godhood.'"

"And what's her real name, if we wanted to spread the word?" Joey asks.

"'Oh she's everything. She's the lady in pink, she's the goddess with the golden mane, but before she ascended she favored one name I assume she has kept it.'"

"What is it?" Mike asks, perched at the edge of his seat.

"Oh no," Dustin whispers, a dawning horror on his face.

"'Barbara, though she preferred it shortened. Nicknames you call them," Steve sees the joke, knows where this is going a split second before reality breaks through the haze of fantasy for the players around the table. Eddie's smirking now, smile too pleased and too attractive. "'Y'know like Barbie?'"

[keefwho]

August 21 - 2024 Wednesday

10:18pm

2.5/10

Today was awful. I had a bad dream and woke up in a bad mood. I was mad at everyone and still kind of am. I was also extremely lonely. I did my workout and stuff anyways. I had 57 help me with booking a little and I kept fucking it up. I didn't stream today and my work suffered because of it like usual. I tried hanging out in BR's server and that was alright, I left to do my afternoon work. The request today was private for some reason and then instead of working on my own stuff, I took a break. I figured I'll always tone down Wednesdays because I almost always burn out and fail to do everything today anyways. I did put an hour into my pony avatar and world though, I finished the mane 6 so now I just gotta finish the world.

In the evening I was the most lonely. And bitter. It made it hard to reach out. I tried doing a new yoga video that released and that kinda helped. I joined DV upon his invite and he ranted about his shitty ex for a bit while we watched Initial D. I like him but I tend not to like the activities he's into, or his femboy friends. I left after more people joined and the conversation turned shallow. I wasn't in the mood to talk. I tried to focus on a game or something but I didn't want to do anything. The best thing I did was bring my phone to my bed to watch Twitch while I cried for a bit. I started feeling like everything was my fault and once again realizing the fact that I am a dysfunctional person prone to causing damage around me. I figured there were lots of things I could have done better today if only I had the resolve. I can never tell if I need too much or if I am truly love starved. Taking care of myself is cool and I definitely need to do that better but I honestly see no point in living if I can't be cared for by others every now and then. And not always out of pity or because I had to beg for it. I feel like I try to be extremely attentive to who around me needs assistance but that I go under the radar.

I did a decent job making my thoughts known today because I was hurt in a small way but it was still important to say that because it was amplified by everything else I was feeling. Or maybe I just care a lot and thats okay. When are my feelings valid, I don't know.

My long standing problem is: what am I looking forward to? Right now it feels like more burnout and more lonely days. Why would I have the drive to do anything when every day is a different form of suffering. I know the cure to this is somehow stopping negative simulations about the future and somehow living more in the present. I wish I could just enjoy physical sensations and chill downtime again. I always thought the way to foster that is to feel secure and safe in where I am at. Its easy to enjoy the moment those extremely rare times I feel like I have a future to look forward to, specifically people that make me happy and aren't going to leave me.

I hate myself and my inability to handle everything right now. I feel like a failure.

[the-firebird69]

Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball (Official Video)

And Trump pointed out the wrecking ball it's in front of Tommy f house and it disappeared we needed that in order to get other balls you can't do it without it and people think it might have been JC and Mary because these idiots using their programs and they can't get to the Giants and Trump can't either but yeah people think his kids and the max started the whole time that's why they didn't Harley Davidson and Harley is a rabbit in a field and a few clearing his next door saying the code and going after stuff and the empire was taking it from him and he missed it and he hates it and my husband says he's a petri dish but the empire doesn't look at it that way they look at it as a place to get stuff for me he thinks he's going to tie it up and it's old hat and all this other s*** when he doesn't know much about computers and those things can fail too and you figure that all about to caucus and he's a weekling

Hera Zues

I can't believe it we don't know what's going on but they're telling you someone took the ball and used it and you can see in the video it looks like it's been tampered with and he says of course it has it doesn't have any weight to it usually it would weigh about maybe two and a half tons and it would be full of uranium I say this is this is going to suck and we're saying we did it and we'll probably get killed but really I think someone else did and he was right on top of it and will and Bill were as a matter of fact they all right on top of it and we're using Dave and Carol's computers and saying that their hours and we kidnapped them and we did not reprogram them so that might be stupid and he says I think that is stupid the empire fleet would be sitting ducks and we have to get through something here we have to figure it out though we can't and it says we can't get to the kids and we don't know whose kids they are and DNA might be inside the Statue of Liberty and it might be his kids from the past and hers we have to get the hell out of here

Trump

I seen this kid he's an egg he is not fully grown and could not have been his kid inside the damn statue but we have to now go look for DNA that's probably long since gone and search for it elsewhere and we have to try and find out whose giant sees are and who's running them and pretty much they're probably Dave and carols and they're huge these Giants are ridiculous and they're doped and we saw it on Mars and they're just gigantic that giant on Mars was about 1500 miles high it was humongous we've never seen anything like it in our lives and it's our job and this kid doesn't know what to do and not doing basic stuff you know about it pay me my money and it's not for this but really this guy Trump has to go he's a fool and they're using Dave's computers this blows how stupid can we be he's a criminal all day and night and Max you haven't won anything and he's using this computer and it's f****** everything up

Mac Daddy or it's an excuse okay Jesus Christ

They are getting to it they're a little late and a little slow the empire fleet in there is about 1.5 trillion and the foreigners are sending in a contingent they only have 1.5 trillion total but they're building like madness because they have such a fleet they can probably in a month they'll have 2.5 trillion it's a big change but they're thinking they can go in there and attack the empire and get their shifts and we think they're probably right they've upgraded a whole bunch and that's what's going and they're upgrading it more and they're making tons of stuff they're paying in and out very fast these warlocks are dying and their dream is ending and the foreigners will have a good shot in it and they're going to try and attack them they said and they're going to get killed real fast by the minority warlock we heard another radio

Olympus

[jadesbrain]

20240412

my husband is away on a work trip so now im just home with my son. it's not terrible but whenever my husband is here im not so paranoid. i know my son is okay in his crib while he's asleep but my mind makes up these scenarios of him accidentally suffocating or choking or anything that could happen. of course he has a baby monitor and i am constantly checking it to make sure he's okay. he turns 2 in july and im already planning his party. it might be mickey mouse themed or just disney because he loves disney movies.. my days consist of constantly cleaning and trying to pick up. im trying to clean a room day by day so that when my husband gets back from his work trip the house will look really good. i wont be getting rid of anything until he gets back home and we can go through it together. he bought my son an outdoor playset but he wants to set it up when he gets home. the past couple of days have just ben going by. we do the same thing everyday. my sons eating schedule got thrown off due to his teething but we're getting back on it. as soon as he wakes up i change his diaper and get him milk. i put on a movie or show for him and i get to go back to sleep for a little bit. then we head downstairs and wait until lunch time. while we're downstairs i eat breakfast and thats usually a bagel with cream cheese and he'll have a snack. then lunch time comes and he gets fruit on the side and he typically eats pretty good. afterwards he will sign all done and then i sweep and clean his high chair trays. but while im doing that he likes to help me mop so i'll spray the floor with very diluted fabuloso and he will do that. then i'll get his milk ready, change his diaper, and have him lay down for a nap. he sleeps for about 2 hours and then i take my downtime and play video games for about an hour. when he wakes up he gets a snack from his snack cabinet and i'll put on another movie while i clean. about an hour to an hour and a half before dinner we go for a walk and go to the park. then i get home and make him dinner then figure out something for myself. after he eats he still has about 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime and thats enough time for his food to digest. then if it's bath night i get his milk warmed up and then we head upstairs and i get everything else set up(pajamas, lotion, diaper, toothbrush, and towel) and then we start bathtime. after bath i get him dressed and then we rock while he falls asleep. after he falls asleep i pick up a little bit more and then go play video games. i've been in a kinda big depression funk lately but i'm trying to pull myself out of it. my son asking to go on walks and wanting to get out of the house kinda of helps but i really do miss my husband. my family lives in another state so i cant just drive to go see them and my in laws are only 2.5 hours away but i still struggle staying there after everything thats happened. i thought about staying with them for a few days after i get my house cleaned up but i dont know when that will be. i miss my husband so much.

[sandman-vo]

I think I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m able to put a lot of the fucked up shit that’s been going on from 2015-2022 behind me.

And since that’s a long stretch of time til now, I should mention the “fucked up” has varying degrees:

Can’t get employed after college? Fucked up

Some friends turned out to be kinda shitty? Fucked up

The fun and unique culture of the city you like is slowly dying because tech and real estate bros like to gentrify and ruin everything they touch? Fucked up

Worldwide pandemic and finding out the US has always had a fascism problem. And the best you can really do is just buck up and survive this shit? Fucked up

Your State continues to decide to do jack and shit about any of their problems concerning electricity and water and you have had 2-3 winters where you had to go 4-5 DAYS without either water or power? Fucked up (fuck February in Austin)

Existential dread paired with depression, aging to my 30s with seemingly nothing much to show for it, being broke AF while your rent was suddenly raised by 50%, realizing you probably had ADHD this whole goddamn time, and thinking every part of you is broken in some way? Fucked up

Things that are more fucked up than that that I’d still rather keep to myself than write about here? Fucked up

You finish a day at work and go straight to Home Depot to cut through 80 feet worth of 1 1/2” pvc piping into 2 and 2.5 feet segments with a hand saw to finish building your new vocal booth that you have been waiting and planning for months to make, and there’s no heckin way you’re going to cook dinner after doing all that so you go pick up some Wendy’s on the way back. And you said no mayonnaise on your double cheeseburger to the guy at the speaker TWICE and they kept you waiting at the drive through for 15 minutes just for them to finally figure out that what that really meant was to SLATHER THAT SHIT ALL OVER IT, but at the same time you understand and support the concept of acting your wage and goddamn do fast food workers get paid dogshit so you don’t think it’s all that productive to file a complaint? Fucked up

But anyways, I’m gradually making it to the other side of these things.

I’m in a place where rent isn’t trying to starve me. I’m saving LOTS of money after paychecks. I’m at least in a career-adjacent job even though I’m not mega thrilled about it (could be worse, could be fucking up someone’s goddamn double cheeseburger). I’m definitely getting together a “bucket list” for Austin while I’m still in the mindset that I’ll try to give this place at least 1 or 2 more good years before I think it will be a good time to try and move elsewhere. I’m taking shit tons of classes to refine my skills, now that I have both time and money to do so. I’m genuinely building so much better of a foundation than I had 6 years ago, which I will use as a jumping off point and give my my work from home freelance careers in Voice Acting and Video Editing new leases on life. And I recently discovered yoga nidra in a class and while it’s no cure for ADHD it’s a treatment for sure!

One of the big takeaways that I’m keeping in mind lately (thanks to the yoga) is this:

“I am whole. I’m living a full life. And while it’s not how I wanted things to be, and while there’s some fucked up shit, and while it looks nothing like how a typical life would go, none of that shit makes me a lesser/broken/incomplete person.”

This was not a part of the class. This wasn’t taught. This is just what I ended up finding after I tried to figure out the deep seeded beliefs where all of my issues stemmed from. This realization has brought such a stillness to me in the past 48 hours that I can barely describe how I feel right now. But it feels good. There are only a few other places where I could have felt this, and coincidentally, it was not during the fucked up dark timeline that was my 2015-2022.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

tl;dr I suspected I’m a mezzo-soprano, but now I KNOW SO! (At least, according to a video. And I will get this Professionally Confirmed someday, but today is not that day.)

Okay, this video’s getting Free Advertising because it helped me figure out something I’ve been struggling to figure out ever since my choir teachers gave me mixed messages throughout my 8-year school choir career.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fr6Fk4qIp0

Long story but basically the older I got and the more my stepmother abused me, the more stagefright I got, so when I was like 10 I could sing for vocal assignment tryouts well with a natural relaxed voice, but by age 15 I was TERRIFIED and could hardly squeak a note out (important context: my voice gets lower and my range shortens DRAMATICALLY when I’m emotional). My elementary/middle school teachers all assigned me soprano like IMMEDIATELY but my high school choir teacher put me as an alto for a year or two because “You have a strong G” (remember: that was When I’m Terrified). I knew it Kinda Hurt to sing in that range and I had less pitch control as an alto and I liked singing the higher notes better so I sang the soprano parts anyways, but That Made Me Wonder. I knew at home I could sing along with music like the C Section in You Would Have Loved This by Tarja (the part that goes “I long to touch your hand”) and the vocalization after the C section in Whisper (that really high note on the album that’s dramatically lower on Anywhere But Home) and all of Simone Simon’s voice except the Especially Low Parts. 

But what if he was right and I was wrong? What if my strong G meant I was really MEANT to be an alto and I was fooling myself into thinking I’m a soprano? What if I just liked singing the more dramatic melodies than the harmonies and it wasn’t about range at all?

Also relevant context: When the entire choir was singing my junior year (when the levies failed so we cut senior choir, and thus my choir teacher treated the entire choir like a senior choir), we ran a test to see how high we could all go collectively. And even though that was a year I got assigned alto, and even though he encouraged us to drop off when we felt it was too high, and even though it wasn’t pretty in the slightest, I hit a fucking C# ABOVE THE TREBLE STAFF.

(I don’t know which octave number that is on a piano because dyscalculia, but I very clearly remember that it was the one above the treble staff.)

So anyways. This video. It contains chromatic scale testing and explains how to recognize where your voice shifts registers.

And there’s a chart involved that tells you which ranges and shifts correspond to which voice classifications.

So my “Quality” range (not breathy, not forced, not straining) is apparently A#3 to C#5.

(Which, uhh. I didn’t realize I had a quality range of 2.5 octaves until now. I knew I could sing a lot of range-y songs, but OKAY.)

So the passagios, I wasn’t sure if I was measuring them correctly because I didn’t notice a “break” or MASSIVE shifts, but I’m PRETTY sure my primo passagio was at F4 and secundo was around D5.

The chart puts me squarely as a mezzo, but definitely into the soprano range.

(I can also definitely go higher with good vocal quality, I just need to be more warmed up than singing along to a song and a half like 9 hours ago. <XD Also I just ate so I can’t engage my diaphragm properly or I WILL have problems.)

I wanted to make a post about this because “AHA I FUCKING KNEW I’M NOT AN ALTO” and also “Good to know I’m not fooling myself because I like soprano voices”. (Though really, I know I like them because I can sing along with them easiest and sound the best while doing so.)

Also: Have you ever heard me speak? I’d be absolutely shocked at myself if my squeaky-ass high-pitched voice didn’t land SOMEWHERE in the soprano range.

(Important note: shift is leaning heavily towards b and ra today and I KNOW that impacts my singing voice. Results might be different if h was active.)

[violettelueur]

— JUJUTSU KAISEN EPISODE TWENTY ONE (PART TWO) || JAMAIS VU

↳ featuring : itadori yuji + fushiguro megumi + kugisaki nobara + gojo satoru from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : EXTREME grammar issues

↳ form : story

↳ published : 27 april

↳ pronouns : she/her

↳ word count : 2.8k

↳ synopsis : within the jujutsu world, there were three famous clans to be aware of, the Kamo clan, Zenin clan and the Gojo clan. However, unknown to many sorcerers there was one last family that was known to be apart of the three, only for them to disappear after the golden era leading some to speculate that they had died in battle after the sealing of ryomen sukuna, but....

↳ previous episode : jujutsu koshien

↳ next episode : the origin of blind obedience 

↳ barista’s notes : lets play a little game...find the genshin reference ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ

BEFORE READING, I NEED YOU TO BE AWARE OF THIS:

1. the whole story belongs to Gege Akutami and the credits go to them and them only.

2. the spell curses used belong to Tite Kubo due to them being the ‘Kidos’ being used on the manga and anime ‘Bleach’ - but none is mentioned in this chapter.

2.5. for the ‘cursed spells’/kidos (bleach) i will link this video here and tell you the time stamp to check out what i am intending to show - remember i add a few twist here and there by adding the katana to link with Y/N’s cursed technique : hopefully this video is slightly better...

3. if you are confused on anything, please don’t hesitate to message me since i know this whole thing is so confusing.

“May I ask why you are following me right now?”

At this moment in time, you were seated within a train in the Tokyo Underground Metro travelling to your planned destination wearing a white button-up shirt with the first two buttons loose since it was quite oversized that was tucked into a pair of wide-legged trousers since you didn’t want it to show at the bottom of your large oversized grey v-necked sweater with the final touch of a pair of Stan Smiths that Gojo had gifted you the second you entered the Gojo’s estate after packing the last of your things back at the Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Technical College - ‘think of it as a housewarming gift’ you remember him saying.

Speaking of Gojo…

“Why not~ It’s mine and your’s off-day, so let’s have a father-daughter day out together!” Gojo exclaimed in an excited tone, as he tilted his glasses down to look slightly down at you, showcasing his sparkling blue eyes with a cheeky smile planted on his face.

Turning your head to the side to look at him, you couldn’t help but want to snatch his glasses off and throw them across the other side of the train carriage since you have informed him all the time that you wanted to go on this outing of yours alone due to the fact that you wanted to clear your head about everything that has happened within the past week.

“Also, why the hell are those three following me?” you questioned in an annoyed whispered tone as you turned your head back to face forward before crossing your leg over your other one as you could sense the lingering but obvious trail of cursed energy from the other side of the carriage. However, you didn’t want to make it crystal clear that you knew Itadori, Fushiguro and Kugisaki were sitting on the other end looking at you while trying to not be or look suspicious.

“Well, let’s just say they are worried about you~” Gojo answered before placing one of his hands on the top of your head before beginning to gently ruffle your hair causing you to relax from your tense posture since it left a somewhat warm feeling in your heart - you also have gotten used to this little action of his since he would do the same thing when you were walking around the estate.

“So where are you planning to go? I did jump on this train because you were going in it,” Gojo asked, as he fixed his glasses leading you to look up to find that the next stop was the stop you were looking for, causing you to stand up and walk towards the exit leading Gojo to follow since he was just going by your lead at this moment in time.

“Kiyose Station?” Gojo said in a curious tone, only for you to step out of the train the second the doors opened leading Gojo to follow you as well as the three first-years that were trailing you from behind, just a few feet away to not get caught by you - even though, you already knew that they were stalking you from behind.

‘Really...did these guys forget I can sense their cursed energy?’

“Yeah, I guess I never really told you that I come here every year…’ you quietly confessed, causing Gojo to look at you with a confused expression before wondering why you were willing to take an hour-long journey for something to come to every year on the same day.

“Is that so?” Gojo questioned before looking up to the sky as he took in a deep breath of the fresh air that he was able to obtain after a long journey in the underground train station.

From his view, the sky was quite clear making it known to him that you probably had checked the weather beforehand when you were planning to go wherever he was following you to, you were always the type to be somewhat prepared for the day from what he could remember from past outings. For example, when you and him came out of a cafe to find that it was raining, you immediately took out an umbrella and held it above you and him even when you knew he could use his infinity to protect himself from the wet droplets.

“Don’t use your technique too much, just use an umbrella, you drag,” he recalled you saying and to be honest, he was somewhat gleeful at the fact you treated him the way you did. It was like you cared for him but didn’t want to explicitly admit it or make it too obvious, he felt like you were treating him like he wasn’t above you in the jujutsu world, you were basically the reason why he could relax and get away from the gripping pressure of being ‘the strongest’ - instead, you gave him the role of a father figure that he wasn’t an ideal person for, but you could tell he was trying.

“You know we are here right, you’re too much in a daydream right now,” you announced causing Gojo to snap his head back down to see a simple fence gate in front of a massive and bright field of sunflowers looking at his way like they were greeting him with their yellow happy petals.

“A sunflower field?” Gojo asked in a confused tone causing you to give a somewhat deadpan expression before turning back around to open the gate before entering the large field with other guests already hiding within the mass of tall flowers as you could sense your triplet classmates coming closer.

“You know, I knew I had weird classmates, but I didn’t know how weird…” you mentioned, causing your adoptive father to start laughing before wrapping an arm around your shoulders as you both began to walk around to view the tall flowers that had been planted and grown for the season causing Gojo to somewhat come to the realisation that you had some fascination with flowers ever since he had come to meet you - except for your weird addiction to orange juice that he learned first.

“Wah~ the sunflowers are in full bloom~” Gojo excitedly beamed out, causing some visitors to look at the tall man with a surprised expression to then quickly turn into admiration when they realise how handsome the man looked causing you to cringe since this is what you wanted to avoid coming here.

“So why do you like flowers Y/N?” Gojo suddenly queried you causing you to turn your head up to look at him while continuing to stroll down the path you both were going at, leading you to begin questioning how your fascination with flowers came about and to be honest….

“I don’t know,” you answered in a low tone before turning back to view the beautiful display that was surrounding you with the warmth you needed right now. “I guess...it’s like a remedy...one that I need,” you further explained causing Gojo to look down at you with a small smile before turning his head back slightly over his shoulder to notice his over students a few feet back arguing about whatever they were talking about while trying to keep up with the both of you - it seemed like his unnecessary tall height somewhat helped them to scout both you and him.

“Also, the estate is so dull, you need some sort of colour, so I might as well buy some sunflowers here,” you quickly added, causing the strongest sorcerer to quickly snap his head back to look at you before childishly complaining how the estate looked fine and there was no need to judge the decor of the clan house you were living in at his current moment, only for you to counter his argument with how paintings weren’t helping and the empty antique vases were not going to fill themselves up magically.

“The servants can find flowers, you don’t need to do this yourself,” Gojo mentioned causing you to give him a side look before saying that you wanted to do this, leading Gojo to close his mouth quickly as he suddenly remembered how you would always help out even when they would try to push you away since they were worried about you over-working when you were emotionally recovering this week. He also recollected how you would just admit that you were used to doing chores yourself since you had lived alone for six years before he took you in.

Unexpectantly, you turned somewhere to the right causing Gojo to be somewhat surprised since he didn’t expect you to take a sudden different route, only for his eyes to come into the sudden appearance of a little market place where some people (especially some elders) selling vegetables, small accessories, flowers and what seemed to be some charms.

However, it seemed like you weren’t telling him where you were planning to start since you were now basically just guiding him to wherever you wanted to go - after all, it was his first time here and probably needed some guidance from you.

From behind, Itadori and Kugisaki were chatting about how they were going to stay hidden away from you, while Fushiguro looked exhausted with both of them by his side and somewhat knew that you knew they were following you since he remembered that you were able to sense people’s cursed energy like a tracking system - he even reminded both his classmates about this technique of yours and they flat out ignored it, not recalling his first lesson when him and Itadori were forced into a maid cafe while tailing their teacher.

“Gojo knows a lot of places, doesn’t she?” Kugisaki muttered in amazement as she spun around to obtain a 360-degree view of the sunflower scenery that they were at right now, leading Itadori to agree with her as he smiled happily at the bright-like atmosphere that was surrounding them right now.

“Fushiguro, look! There are so many!” Itadori beamed, leading Kugisaki smacking him on the head before informing him that he was being too loud and they were about to get caught causing Fushiguro to let out a sigh in slight annoyance.

‘I can tell she’s laughing at us, right now’ Fushiguro thought as he could see your shoulders going up and down like how they would when you would giggle.

As time went on, the trio kept tabs on you as you went from market stall to market stall to view those items that the sellers had for sale leading them to wonder what you were looking for since you never really took the time to bring out your wallet and pay for whatever the seller would pitch you.

“These are so cute, why didn’t she buy them?” Kugisaki questioned as she lifted up a pair of sunflower earrings that you had previously viewed causing the seller to start telling her how they made it and how beautiful they would look on her, while Fushiguro looked to the side peering at you and Gojo only to discover you at this one stall where the seasoned sunflowers were being sold.

However, before you could even ask the seller for a bouquet, a little girl sudden ran up to the stall asking their mother if they could get a sunflower, only for the worried woman to inform their child that they weren’t about to afford it due to them using the last of their money to pay for the food that they ate causing the little girl to quickly become quiet before turning back around to view the bright flowers that she wasn’t able to get with tears pending in her eyes.

“Excuse me madam, how much for two flowers?” you asked gently, causing the old woman being the stall to turn her head to look at you before answering your question with a price leading you to place a purchase while adding your bouquet to the order, causing the little girl standing beside you to look at you with a confused expression since she didn’t understand why you were buying a whole bouquet of her favourite flowers with two single ones alone.

While the woman was wrapping the last of the single sunflower she was preparing for you in the classic brown paper, you gently took the one she had finished before handing it to the small child that was by your side, causing her to look at the flower in complete awe before looking up at you, only to see a small but gently smile painted on your face.

“It’s for you,” you informed her in a light and soft tone, leading the girl to slowly take the bouquet away from your grasp before noticing how you were going to pay extra for the black ribbon tied around the flower as well as the white baby breaths that surrounded the single flower before giving the other single flower to them mother that was behind the child, causing the woman to look at you in shock before thanking you for the gift as she didn’t expect you to buy something for her as well after you gifted her daughter with what she wanted.

“What do you say to the nice lady, dear?” the mom questioned her daughter causing the little girl to look confused before realising what she meant as she jumped in excitement.

“Thank you so much, miss!” the girl cheered, causing you to smile at her before excitingly showing the mother the flower you had gifted her as you then turned back around to collect the bouquet that you had brought for yourself as you processed to give her the amount of money needed for the large purchase.

“Shame...and I thought you were giving one each to me and you…” Gojo muttered with a pout, causing you to give him a weirded-out side glance before scoffing in amusement.

“Never in a million years dad,” you answered in a teasing manner before making your way towards the trio that was at the stall behind you, leaving the strongest sorcerer shocked at what you had just said to him, as the duo of Itadori Yuji and Kugisaki Nobara screamed at your sudden appearance since they would they were in the clear, while Fushiguro was looking at you with a gentle but his usually stoic face as he somewhat found out about your side of kindness you had for other people.

“Gojo!” Itadori screamed, causing you to give them a small smile.

“So...care to explain why you have been following me since I left the estate? Why is it once you finally get a break from being a sorcerer, rather than taking a rest, you instead come to me?” you questioned in a sinister tone, causing all three of your classmates to shiver at the dark aura that was emitting itself from your body right now.

However, before they were even able to answer in their frightened state, Gojo suddenly launched himself at you from behind with tears in his eyes causing you to yell at him for his childish behaviour, only for him to wrap his arms around your shoulders before rocking you from side to side in pure happiness.

“You called me ‘dad’, come on, say it again! One more time!” Gojo requested in pure glee as tears of happiness streamed down his face with a silly smile, leading the trio behind you to look at the sorcerer with pure horror as you informed him that he was already asking you for too much as once was enough causing Gojo to complain in a childish voice again that ‘it wasn’t too much’ and that you have to say it again, almost causing you to smack the bouquet across his face.

“Let me go!” you yelled out, as you tried to pry Gojo’s arms that were around your shoulder while trying not to crease the flowers that you have just bought only for your adoptive father to cling onto you tighter to which caused your body to give up and you stood there with a disheartened expression on your face, completely forgetting that Itadori, Fushiguro and Kugisaki had followed you here as you had another issue to deal with.

While this was going on, Fushiguro couldn’t help but continue to recall the situation that had happened earlier between you and the little family, especially the small action of your hand going down to pass the flower to the little girl...as if a hand has reached down to him before leading little images of a hand passing him a bandage came into view, yet he didn’t seem to have any recollection of it...like a memory, he technically didn’t remember.

“Gojo?” Fushiguro called you out, causing you to turn to him while grasping on the bright sunflowers that were facing his way as if to give him encouragement to say what he was planning on asking you.

“What’s the opposite of Deja vu?”

© violettelueur 2021 : written and published by violettelueur - do not steal or repost

[foster-the-world]

Long Day

Had a fun Bday party for baby boy last night. He was amp'd up and very cute. Just the inlaws + my Mom - which was perfect. When the kids went to bed I met up with a friend for Bday drinks. I think she was happy I made the effort to come. Always nice to get out for a bit. Then I couldn't sleep all night.

Baby boy started crying at 6am. Was confused as he's been sleeping past 8am everyday. Turns out he was sick :( The wheezing was intense. The nursing exam I had yesterday include respiratory disorders in children. We had to watch videos of wheezing, stridor, etc. We learned it looked bad but normally worked itself out. He only had a temperature of 99.2. All of this made me feel better even though I know as a nursing student I have zero credentials to make any medical decisions. Sent his Doctor a video and she said to go to the ER. He was a hot mess there. Poor kid was not interested in getting his temperature taken, weight on the scale, etc, etc. Luckily, we were the only ones there and everyone was very nice. Eventually he passed out so I was able to give him the nebulizer and a steroid. He woke up 20 minutes later back to his normal self + some congestion symptoms. They still kept us for another 2.5 hours but it was fine.

My husband and I were supposed to go Upstate to clear out our personal belongings today/tmrw. We only have 2-3 open days before new renters come and our handyman was meeting us there to help. So he went ahead and I stayed behind with baby boy.

Very glad to have my Mom and her extra hands. Baby boy is normally clingy to me. Poor kid being sick double timed his clinginess. I was happy to have him lay on me all day long. I felt so bad for him.

In-laws were scheduled to pick the girls up from camp. Rebel threw a big fit because they would not buy her an Icee. As mentioned, she's having a terrible time recently. Lots of temper tantrums that are not her norm. Both girls were supposed to spend the night at their house. I told them to bring her home. Then they called me to convince her to get in the car seat. Luckily, she did. Throughout this I was at the pharmacy trying to sort out a mishap with the nebulizer order. So glad baby boy was home with my Mom. I had to drag her kicking and screaming from the car. I was proud of myself for being very Zen. Baby boy is obsessed with me so stuck to me like glue while I tried to be with her. He was very sweetly giving her kisses and hugs. Sweet boy doesn't like to see his big sister upset. She eventually calmed down. I hope we can figure out what's going on soon. She wakes up guns a-blazing more often than not nowadays. I remember Bee had a period of a few months where she also had big feelings. I'm hoping this is the same and she's just having some type of developmental spurt that brings out some big feelings.

My Mom asked me if "I feel sorry for what she went through with me" now. I assume I was no walk in the park growing up. She did say "except you handle it much better than I do." She said I'm much nicer than she is. I'm not sure she thinks that is a compliment. She def doesn't adhere to the RIE parenting model. I try to but unfortunately I'm not always so nice. I find I'm much less forgiving in the morning. I've never been a morning person. Need to make some plans to get around that.

Long day. Done now. Thankfully baby boy is on the mend.

[jessecrust]

games as art, part 2: who cares?

An eternity ago, I wrote a blog about a game you might have heard of called Elden Ring and why it and other games like Hades are probably works of art. It's something I think about far too much on lonely car rides to and from work (my commute is roughly 10 minutes). And it's something I've been thinking about a lot more lately having spent a good deal of my free time actively avoiding any new games and trying to get games from the 90s and 2000s to run on my PC without crashing. Honestly, it's actually extremely easy to avoid playing new games because they're released at a rate of about 2.5 a year in a good year.

And yet it somehow feels like there's never been more video game content out there. There's your multiplayer shooters, your MMOs, your "live service" games, mobile games, remakes, re-releases, etc. etc. I'm not one of those people who think you can draw a line between "real" games like something on a major console or PC and "fake" games like this cute thing I have on my phone called "Cats&Soup", but if every video game is indeed art then it is a unfathomably broad category.

Why does any of this matter? Well, if you've ever spent any time on Wikipedia, you may have come across this, or a similar, sentence:

Deemed "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant" by the United States Library of Congress, Die Hard was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry in 2017

One reason it's important to figure out what exactly we're talking about when we have these incredibly tedious conversations is so we can figure out what is worth preserving. I feel that in our Age of Content, as I'll call it, it's increasingly difficult to figure out what we should be preserving for future generations.

I don't think this is me being pretentious, although that word itself has come to mean something entirely different in the age of the never ending Battle Royale Multiplayer Shooter and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. A few nights ago, I saw someone say Quentin Tarantino was a pretentious director because he didn't want to make a Marvel movie. That idea really bothered me, that someone would see a guy who spent his career making eminently watchable popcorn movies and think "what a snob". Yes, I admit, I got sad about one guy writing a tweet, that's really dumb, I know. But go type Martin Scorsese into a Twitter search and you'll find he's not alone in thinking there's something pretentious about making movies that doesn't include a CGI raccoon.

But back to the pretentious art snobbery, it's not necessarily a question of "real" vs. fake or art vs. not art. I've had a good time watching movies like Spider-Man: Far From Home, The Batman (which I wrote about), and even that weird Dr. Strange movie that people can't really decide if they liked or not. These movies are probably not in any real danger of disappearing, but other movies are and most, if not all, video games are. And no one is seriously making the claim that none of them are worth preserving: The Dark Knight, a movie about Batman, is part of the National Film Registry.

Film lovers like Scorsese and other writers, directors, critics, etc. have worked hard to preserve their artform for future generations. I can't think of any director or writer or video games that is doing the same for games. It already requires extensive modding to get some games to run on modern PCs, let alone tracking down physical copies of classic games that could easily cost more than you make in a full eight hour shift at your job. Game directors and writers are not celebrities in the way film directors, actors, and musicians are. Try to name a video game director or think of a game you've played recently where you even bothered to find out who directed or wrote it. The most widely known director of video games is probably Shigeru Miyamoto of Nintendo and I doubt even he would be recognized by more than a quarter of the general population despite being responsible for over 75% of your childhood nostalgia. Yes, there are plenty of hobbyists, academics, etc. that are doing everything they can to preserve games, but we need those artist/advocates to really drive home the stakes. Who better to talk about the history, love, and preservations of this medium than their own creators?

As more technology is pushed to the wayside, as physical media continues to decline and copyright laws in the digital sphere get stranger and stranger, there's a real danger of not being able to immerse yourself in the history of games in the same way you can with every other piece of human culture. What good is a top 100 video games of all time list if I can't even play them? I can't even play the version of Overwatch I bought five years ago. To be sure, this project is also necessarily anti-capitalist, since the rights holders to these franchises and IPs will fight/have fought tooth and nail to stop it.

Do you know why "you can run Doom on anything" became a meme? Partly because anyone can download its source code for free. Imagine if the same were true of every other game release on or before 1993.

To close, I'll tell another anecdote about a post I saw on the internet. I saw a comment somewhere, maybe YouTube, that said something to the effect of "I'm glad I'll get to play Silent Hill 2 when the remake comes out". This is a problem we have to solve quickly...

[heaven-in-a-wild-flower]

Jurdan Headcanon (Jude Duarte and Cardan Greenbriar)

I’ve also published this on ao3 if you’d rather read it there, here’s the link. I’m making this a full series (Cardan in the Mortal World).

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Previous Chapter (Chapter 2.5)

Cardan in the Mortal World (Chapter 3)

Flowery Flour, Beeping Time Bombs and Chocolate Lips

Cardan decides to surprise Jude with a home-cooked meal (he read in a magazine that that is 2nd in the Top Ten Most Romantic Date Ideas! He wanted to choose the 1st but for the life of him couldn’t figure out what Net-flix and Chill meant). Jude has gone out with Vivi and so he has a few hours to prepare the food. He doesn’t think it’s going to be that difficult, there are instructions and tiny people showing the process on the Book of Mac (he imagines Jude exasperpatedly shaking her head and correcting him, “It’s called a MacBook, Cardan!)

He opens up the list of ingredients and copies it down onto a sheet of paper. Then he sets off for the nearest market, Walmart (Cardan nobody calls Walmart a market!). The door opens without his pushing it open. Hmm, maybe they have pixies to open it here.

The air is cool inside, conditioned by another Mortal device. He roams the aisles, searching for all the ingredients on his list. He’s making Chocolate Cake with Buttercream Frosting, he doesn’t understand most of those words but it is a cake so he thinks it’ll be alright. He finds most of the ingredients quite easily (although he’s still a bit confused what flour is and if it is indeed grounded up flowers). He’s only has milk left from the list.

He knows that they usually use the milk from cows in the Mortal World. He’s wondering where they keep the cows in this place. He stops a man with the word, Walmart tattooed on his shirt (he must be the head of this market).

“How can I help?” the man asks, turning to him.

“Oh yes, I will require your assistance in determining where the cows are kept.”

The man looks befuddled, “Sorry sir. We…don’t sell cows here.”

“No, I do not intend to purchase the cows, I desire only the milk,” Cardan clarifies.

“Oh! You want milk? Okay then, follow me.” The man sets off and Cardan follows. He then leads him to a glass case of packaged bottles. “Here you are.”

Cardan looks closely at the bottles and sees some labeled ‘milk’. “Will this suffice for Chocolate Cake with Buttercream Frosting?” he asks. He wants to make sure he’s using authentic ingredients (Jude would kill him is he mistakenly poisoned her).

“Yeah sure, dude,” the man replies.

***

Cardan is following along with the little lady on the U-Tube. It’s going perfectly. He’s even put on the right attire, a pink apron that says ‘Kiss The Cook’. He likes this idea, to give clear instructions for what to do even on the clothing. Maybe he should have some such thing sewed onto his kingly robes too (he thinks of Jude kissing him every time she reads it and grins happily. Oh yes, it is certainly a wonderful idea.)

When the lady, her name is Rosanna Pansino (he thinks this is quite a distinguished name and can’t understand why she would shorten it to ‘Ro’), says to whip the cream, he pauses. She didn’t ask him to purchase a whip. He checks the shelves, (maybe this is a normal kitchen tool?) and still doesn’t find one. He watches the video and realizes that she doesn’t use a whip at all, just some metallic contraption that he has in the kitchen too.

It takes him a few tries to crack the egg correctly (after this ordeal, his respect for his cooks has gone up drastically). Eventually the batter has been successfully transferred to a pan and placed inside the heating box (Oven). He sets the time on the dials and sits back to wait for it to be done.

In the mean time, he wonders at the bliss he sees on Mortals’ faces as they talk about chocolate. He decides to try some cocoa powder to see for himself if it is as good as they say. He picks up a spoonful of the powder and puts the whole thing in his mouth. His face shrivels up and he starts coughing madly. He drinks some wine to get the taste out of his mouth and thinks that Mortals have very strong taste buds to be able to not only endure that but to also enjoy it.

When the timer on the heating box has finally come down to 10 seconds he watches it carefully, unsure what is about to happen. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and then…beep, beep, beep! He startles and tries to figure out what to do. Ro did not show this part at all. He tries to remember what he’s seen in those moo-vies he and Jude sometimes watch. Beeping means…time bomb! The heating box has overheated or some such and is about to explode.

He runs out of the house and crashes into someone. No, not someone, Jude.

“Cardan, what are you- what’s happened?” she asks, holding his flour covered arms and staring into his panicky eyes with confusion.

“The heating box is about to explode!” he blurts out.

“The heating box? Oh, the oven. What did you do to it?” she asks, raising one brow.

“I tried to make a Chocolate Cake with Buttercream Frosting and I followed Ro’s instructions perfectly. But at the end of the timer it started beeping like a time bomb!”

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Jude says and bursts out laughing. He loves this sound and his eyes go dreamy for a moment, all his panic forgotten and his body relaxes.

“What is it? How are you not worried?” he asks, when he’s finally regained his wits. She pulls him back into the house and opens the heating box and takes the pan out after putting on gloves (Cardan understands the importance of looking good but is this really the time to be accessorizing? But since he knows nothing about this, he stays wisely silent).

“That’s just the sound it makes when it’s done baking,” she informs him, smiling fondly.

“Oh. Well, that is bizarre and unnecessarily alarming. A tinkling of bells would have worked just fine,” he says petulantly, crossing his arms and frowning (Jude thinks this is simply adorable, even if she’ll never tell him that).

***

They continue the decorating together. He likes this a lot better. He’s gotten many many kisses. The apron is definitely working. They finally eat the chocolate cake. It takes a lot of persuading on Jude’s part (maybe even some bribing). She doesn’t understand why he’s glaring suspiciously at it. When she finally feeds him a piece, his face relaxes.

“Oh. Oh.” He says reverently. “I understand now.”

Jude is expectedly puzzled but forgets all about it when he kisses her. Mmm, Cardan hasn’t wiped his mouth properly and he tastes like chocolate but she certainly isn’t complaining.

Tagging, @jurdanhell @nee-naw-nee-naw-beepbeep

Let me know if anyone wants to be added to the tagging list (or removed).

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