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I'm so upset I could cry.
#kel vents#a month before my planned tour of Ireland#they cancel the tour#apparently not enough people signed up for it#I'm trying to find another 10-day tour with a similar itinerary#but this late there's nothing available#my next option is a 7 day tour and getting them to book me a couple of day trips from Dublin#but this means i need to add more nights to my hostel stay#and the 7 day tour isn't as relaxed as the 10 day option#I'm legit so upset#i know it's a first world problem#but this was supposed to be my dream trip to Ireland#personal
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Hello, I blinked and March was over. Another busy/hectic month in regards to Real Life things + I got pretty sick at the end of it (because being sick in February wasn't enough lol). With that being said, here's what I did get done:
Wrote 16.1k words (Chapter 2 total word count: 27.4k )
Started editing/coding in the start of Chapter 2
Did some more coding/tweaking for stat pages
Fixed some variables in Chapter 1 + added piercings and facial hair options to character customization (these will all be added when Chap 2 releases)
Posted Rhea's bday art
With that being said, I thought Chapter 2 would be a max of 30k words, but all the small branching and flavor text in this chapter is really adding up lol. Of those words written, most of it went towards the Lars/Student Warden path. I did however write one of the three endings, and one of two of the RO pov ending scene variants.
With that said the Rhea/Student Government path should be a lot shorter since it's more straight forward, and once that's done, all that's left is a handful of smaller scenes/variants to finish up and then Chapter 2 will be done! I'm guessing it'll end up being between 40k to 50k words in total. I'm hoping to finish up the writing in April and then code everything in to release it by late May! This is obviously very tentative, but unless the universe decides to cause mayhem once more, that's what I'm aiming for!
Lastly, here's another little preview for the confrontational MCs this month (ft Lars):
#BA: updates#didn't hit my word count goal either but I did lose an entire week of writing to a fever in my defense asjkflas#health>>>>>>writing#also if you're reading the tags random off topic request lmfaO#but I like to read during my hour break at work and I need book recs#I read pretty much everything in all genres and age demographics#non fiction and comics/mangas included#anyways I read a lot but I think my issue lately is I've read so much in my comfort zone and now nothing looks interesting#I've read 33 books this year and only a handful weren't fantasy (I know that sounds like a lot but like 19 of those were manga asfaklj)#the only limit is it can't be self published since it would need to be available at my library and they never carry indies
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I was not built to deal with educational institutions.
#letter of permission this#fill out form that#oh that course is only available in the winter#and the prof sucks but there’s nothing we can do about that!#oh you showed up late to two classes? failing grade for you#just do these ten pointless exercises and we’ll let you pass the course#yeah all these rules are made up. yeah we follow some of them and not others. will we tell you which ones? no <3#oh you’re not having fun? why not. everyone else is.#remember there’s no do-overs! except when there are.#iggy implies#sorry for the rant guys. I’m just too homeschooled for this 😩
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reading alison weir's new novel; she's adapted and altered the primary source material she's clearly using in a way that is...um. something?
#i mean it's a novel. and it is not called creative license for nothing#i also know im not the target audience and that#the vast majority of the people reading this book are not like me (insofar as i've#read what's available from the archives/state calendar papers from 1533-36...#probably. front to back altogether; chronologically; about a dozen times or so? taken detailed notes etc )#*so i doubt it's a bugbear for many; if any; other than myself#but i was very easily able to pick out the primary source quotes ; and her intent in#placing; for example; a quote from a chapuys report of 1536 in late 1533#and switching the identities of certain people (here; norfolk subbed in for shelton ) for certain incidents#so as to bolster certain theories she clearly has about certain people and their loyalties...#i mean again it's a novel but this is what she does in her nonfiction too; she just has had more liberty to do so here#and there is a reason training in history is important to being labeled 'a historian'#you are to develop your theories from the evidence. not vice versa.#(or more specifically...she does literally the opposite of what historians are trained to do. she molds the evidence to fit her theories. )#anyway. review forthcoming...maybe#i'll have to read her author's note once i'm done with this section to see if she admits to any of these specific alterations#evidence first; theory after! otherwise we end up with all these superficial renderings
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honestly if you live in a blue state and can afford a decent home and all your meds/food/utilities i want to hear NOTHING in regards to us in red states
i live in greg abbott's red texas. you know, the largest state that borders the most vilified neighboring country and receives the majority of latino immigrants + has a huge black population + a lot of arab and asian immigrants
i will not tolerate blame put on the people in red states who are constantly harassed and belittled because of their race, origin, religion, gender, and economic status
you want someone to blame? blame your party who did nothing to get people out of poverty, did nothing in response to police violence and killings, did nothing for palestine/lebanon, did nothing in response to abbott and desantis' vitriolic anti-latino racism and policies
democrats did what they do best, follow the right-leaning trend and lose to republicans
#literally there are more and more homeless people everytime i go into the city#doesnt matter which city#we have homeless people here in my town which is a hell to travel on foot because we literally have a highway cutting through everything#there are no sidewalks and barely any places for camping that arent private property#majority of people i check out at work use ebt cards for food#and even then its mostly white people that have access to those government funds#most of the latinas that i check out are vigilant in their coupons just to make sure they can afford necessities for their homes#using money that their husbands are breaking their backs for because its the only job available to them#shits been getting worse and worse here no matter who was president#and it will continue to get worse#people are already dying it will be an epidemic#and im trying my best to better my family's situation so i can be quicker in helping my neighbors#but even then i fell like itll be too late by the time it comes down to that#just#do more#be a good person to everyone regardless of if they share your political views#cus ill tell you something when people are in survival mode and wanting to claw themselves out they will find any justification for bigotry#they will find someone to blame for their circumstance because its not normal to live like this#some blame the government and some blame immigrants#feed them and show them that people are not their enemy its the fucking rich assholes in government keeping them at the bottom#so that rich assholes stay on top no matter what happens to the world around them#the entire world could be burning and they still will be wasting money because its nothing to them
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oddly comforting that nothing can hurt me worse than yesterday
#this doesnt even scratch the surface rlly#i cant fit the fact that they lied to us about federal reclamation availability law (its 24/7 and they tried claiming 9pm was too late)#or that there were no lights buildings signage or people anywhere in the maze of dark alley with dozens of different lots#or that they were mocking my mom over the phone for being 'scared' when asking for directions#or that when they finally sent someone to the lot to talk to us it was just some guy in a car#who pulled up and told my mom to put her license info into his phone#on homer's forehead#tfw youre sobbing in a dark alley begging the tow guys to just stfu and give the car back because you're tired and had to put your cat down#and theyre laughing at you and yelling at you over it#just two women* outside in the dark with nothing but barbed wire and surly piece of shit men holding their only transportation hostage#btw my roommates boyfriend has reclaimed his car at 3am before and never had to scan his license ever#wonder why it was different for us! HMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
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#nothing like being in varying states of pain for a few years - sometimes less#sometimes more but always there - and being too exhausted to go to a doctor about it bc everyone around you says you just need to do yoga &#the only way ur job will accommodate is by giving u the less staffed late shift so u can go in the morning and ur so exhausted youd rather#just deal eith the pain like u already have been doing for years#to moving to a job that actually allows u to leave early for medical reasons if you can get the essentials done#then phoning the gp with hope & motivation for the first time in a long time#and being told lol no appointments left until july#i had hope for once i really did 🥲 my friend is a pt & said i might have fibromyalgia and i really really dont want it to be that bc that#means i have a chronic illness with no cure but i looked it up and just. every single symptom was a check for me#and i started thinking if i do have it ill have it whether im diagnosed or not & if i dont then thats good to know too? & psyched myself up#for the phone call and. ugh it really hit me#she said to do their online service. tried and it said no appointments available. tried nhs online. it said make an appointment with ur gp#within the next few days 🥲 back to giving up and just bearing the pain and never mentioning it bc i'll just get told it's my own fault bc#i didnt go yoga ig#just needed to rant into the void for a bit sigh#time to go back into work i guess#*#UGH I JUST GOT MY PERIOD TOO#also like. this isn't to say i do have chronic pain it could be something easily solved#and id be delighted if it was#but i hate how the people around me trivialise it like. it's not normal to have intense pain and stiffness from sitting down/standing for#the duration of one train stop ok it's not. it's not normal to feel sharp jolts of pain through my body every time i cough or sneeze.#every part of my body aches! literally from my head to my toes! they dont do toe yoga!#okay enough back into the fray
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increasingly noticing aspartame showing up as an ingredient in drinks that aren't sugar free and given that we can tell it's in there even if we haven't checked before drinking it because it makes our mouth feel weird and gives us a sore throat and makes our stomach feel pretty not great just in general, we're not particularly thrilled about this development
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#there've been several instances lately where I've gotten the full sugar version of drinks#because the sugar free versions make us feel kinda shit when we drink them#and I've taken a sip and been like ''wait a fucking minute'' only to find that yeah there's aspartame in there#anyway it was bad enough that a bunch of places only stock sugar free stuff or make you pay significantly more for full sugar stuff#especially when we've had hypoglycemia and tried to get a drink as the quickest way to fix it#only to realise after like 15 minutes of nothing happening that the drink was sugar free because that's all that was available there
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bar exam in 8 days. i am so scared lmfao
#ooc.#a bit of negativity in the tags:#i am also a little sad bc my studies and lack of availability/focus have def caused some people to not want to stick around here#but i am trying not to think about that now#thanks for sticking around if you're still here#i really appreciate it. i love being here and talking with you all. my life has just been so hard lately#when i was still able to write my brain would only let myself focus on certain things#and it is nothing to do with the lovely people i write with here#and more just what my brain let me focus on#this has been a thing since i have been in school#i opened my blog back up to the public right before finals#so you really have known this stressed scatterbrained version of me#that i would like to think isn't reflective of who i am as a person or writer#i've just been full of a lot of emotions lately#because i hold my fandoms and the people in them near and dear to my heart and i feel like i have inadvertently driven some of them away#so my heart is breaking a little bit.#if we have spoken on here#or i have sent a meme to you#or received one from you#or gotten a starter from you#or written a starter for you#you Do mean a lot to me.#i have not forgotten you.#i'll probably delete this soon. i'm a little embarrassed#i don't want this to be a pity party but i feel i owe an explanation#just know i have everything saved#everything in my drafts/askbox#and i never drop anything unless i tell you i need to for some reason#thank you for being here again#you all have offered me some solace and community during the hardest time in my life
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i mean this amongst the material where we were Ever supposed to be at all on the same page about axe & wendy's nightmare quasiromance including that it was after the vicious pettiness stalking & relationship sabotaging from axe that we got the warmest & fuzziest rather than wendy finally reaching a breaking point, or know that it's not great if prince goes around taking advantage of young employees his kid's age but we would never disrespect that person by calling them a victim and also we can't even think too badly of him until he outright confirms (rudely!) he feels entitled, and then we also will actually do nothing about this save for eventually saying actually it looks bad if his wife also has sex outside the marriage, which would defy his entitlement
#shoutout to sacker as being the one woman around here who like actually had arcs that went anywhere#all this and rian having to be closeted too. for no reward except [here's this role: Some Asshole]#bonnie; another Some Asshole; largely also granted like ''but she's sexually available to some man worthy Enough of sex''#which is a completely superficial matter. even if we like ben he might be too much of a pussy#we won't confirm his sexuality is Wrong but no room for it being right; either#unbelievable like ''well at least now wendy will give up on axe'' wrong!! the magic of his possessiveness going off the rails :')#her Not going to superhell doesn't even have anything to do with it....#meanwhile rian bonking prince for no reason at least was supposed to be this ''twist'' that what the? prince is shit?#(relevantly: prince bullying the autistic guy on day 1 does Not reveal this (: )#still unbelievable that just went away. actually thee problem is that an open marriage is a weird look! don't you own your wife?? cmon#and also its handling was; let's say; ''underwhelming.'' up next rian being horrible always but this is also: nothing!#including: not an arc. never gave her one. And That's Women! (rian oughting to be textually nonbinary but started off slightly too late)#that's also; relevantly: Power Dynamics! well don't be rude about it. claiming victimhood? demeaning. abuse does show you care at all tho#winston billions#like this when wendy's Supposed to be [right] in being more independent(tm) from these shit men.#this when prince is Supposed to be wrongish for using his power to take advantage of someone. this is what we are mustering#this and that if you abuse your autistic coworker the only thing Wrong about it is that you're being too nice in not ignoring them more#good thing we know rian did that too! the Empowerment deserved; like claiming fault for prince's actions#god only knows why it was important taylor make some pass out of nowhere & rian also be Responsible for their feelings abt rejection....#well but some ppl Do have a degree of entitlement to sex! the worthier ones. it Must be explained why this doesn't mean taylor's Unworthy#anyways underwhelmingly typical but sometimes it is like i am throwing billions through a wall. thus just posting it out lmao
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the amount of books i’ve gotten from the library is actually stressing me out help
#i've got 4 with me right now and 6 more just became available for me to pick up....i didnt think they'd become available so quickly 😭😭#and that's not to mention that ebooks from libby#what do i do i feel so overwhelmed hgjshfhdh it's a wonderful problem to have though#all i do know is that right now im not in the right headspace to read a series. like i just cant commit to that right now#so idk if i'll get around to reading the jasmine throne or legendborn#or the bone shard daughter#if im going to be reading a series then the only books i should have with me are the books from that series.... nothing else#otherwise it's too overwhelming#so right now im reading stand-alones and having a blast. there's so many though!!!!!#......all i've been doing lately is reading. that's why i've been absent here. i haven't watched anime in like 3 whole weeks#my dad gave me his kobo and i finallyyyy figured out how to make libby work there#so now i can read all my libby books on a screen that's bigger than my phone and doesn't strain my eyes 🎉#i LOVE libby but i really wanted to stop reading on my phone bc it makes my head hurt after a while#and i was so close to buying a kobo for myself and then my dad told me he actually has one but rarely uses it so he gave it to me
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not gonna lie it is kinda bugging me not knowing When the sonic frontiers update is going to happen. because i wanna play it as soon as possible. but i dont know when that is
#i remember for both sonic prime episode drops i stayed up until 2am to watch them as soon as they were available#and i have absolutely nothing to do on thursday or friday so im perfectly willing to do that again#idk if im gonna need those full 2 days though im assuming that the dlc is gonna be a lot shorter than the full game#considering. it starts near the end of the original story#but anyways i WILL ruin my sleep schedule for sonic#but i dont wanna stay up that late just for the update to not happen at that time . you know#if its coming out the next morning id rather just go to sleep early and then wake up early for it#and also if its coming out in the like midnight to 2am time range id like to move my switch dock to my room#but. if it comes out later in the day id rather just leave it. because the living room tv is bigger#handheld mode is not an option i said this before but one of my joycons is messed up and nothing im doing is fixing it#so im basically stuck in tv or tabletop mode forever and ever because i dont feel like buying another pair#when the whole reason i have this pair is because my old pair had really bad drift#ive literally never had this much trouble with controllers on any console before. its just the switch that keeps doing this. hello
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cool so the fire alarm just went off like 30 mins and we all thought we were going to die but it turns out one of the alarms was just defective 🤪 so now it’s almost 6am and ive slept for 4 ish hours and now i have to sleep on the couch because my sister is panicking in our room and i have to be awake in an hour anyway so i might as well not even sleep lol. and my throat hurts from screaming which is going to make it hard to tell if my throat hurts from possibly having covid 🤪🤪🤪🤪
#purrs#and i can’t come into work late bc im the only one who will be available to come into the office and we need to have it open. cool cool cool#im so fucking haunted bc i worry abt this happening all the time and this actualy hapeemd to us in january when we lived in the hotel and wh#when that happened i grabbed my most important stuff but this time it was so sudden and scary thst i grabbed nothing. and i think abt this a#all the time and i didn’t grab my sketchbook at the very least. i know things aren’t as important as all of us getting out of the house safe#but i think abt this happening every day and im just so haunted. also my throat hurts from screaming so bad and my head hurts from sleep#derivation and km so scared im going to get sick lol. fml#also lol 2 false alarms both this year. what if it happens again and the next time it’s real. lolllll#i didn’t even grab my phone this time it was all so suddn and everyone was screaming fire
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God, I regret this already.
#I tried everything#I couldn’t find a house or apartment to approve me#my friend had one for $2300 which I can’t afford on my own anyway but even if I could#her dad wanted first last secured it which is 7k and I have not even half that#I was going to try to stay with my mom for a few months to save but still iffy#I was going to stay with my mom for good but#she said she has to move in two months too because she’s been late on rent every time#and I legitimately don’t know if they’ll find a place because they’re broke and in a worse credit spot than I am#Inow someone with one room to rent that me and Kai could try to squeeze into with random roommate#but it’s only available Aug - Dec#my friend in Tampa offered me a room but then I’d have zero babysitter at all for Kai#and I found a random apartment complex in Orlando that’s brand new and more affordable and also takes this guarantor thing#where basically instead of a refundable security deposit to the complex you pay a non refundable one to them to guarantee your lease#but I still couldn’t get approved with chases income#but the apartment could get me in this week and I could have a year leae#versus me staying with someone for a month or two and being homeless#but what the actual fuck I’m so fucking scared right now#this town holds nothing for me personally#but my son has his school and friends and beater and dance and we’re close to everything and I do have family and a stable job#and I tried to get an RV but got denied the loan this is so fucking hard man#I’m about to give up every ounce of stability I have and move to a new city because I stumbled across a place that would take me right away#and I’m scared AF to be homeless#and I’m scared#I know I csn find a new job and I’ll have a place to live and I can work out childcare if chase and I work opposite schedules and my son is#5 and so adaptable#and we can always come back in a year and get back everything we gave up#it’s only a year#but I promised myself I was finally going to be free of him and on my own and I wanted to be proud of myself and the fact that my mom and#the RV and this house and all of this fell through crushed me#and I’m so disappointed and so afraid
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Trying to write fanfiction but instead sitting here crying over my work schedule
#i finally snapped and changed my availability so I can't work sundays#bc I can't handle working all weekend anymore#I dont even care I need a break I need a day off so I CAN DO THINGS#I want to be able to write and to actually do crafts or do things I want to do#I want to be able to sit and freaking do nothing all day if I want to#I DONT EVBEN HAVE TIME TO DO HOMEWORK#IM JUST SO UPSTE#I wanted to get a good chunk of this written before work but I cant stop crying#and the fact that im wasting my time is making me cry harder#but I cant do this I cant do this I cant do this#I just want to be myself#and its too late to call in I can't do that#I dont have time to study for my finals bc I'll be too exhausted after work#and I want to have free time#why why why whnyw hywhy why why#phantom's lament#vent#rambling#work with phantom
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y’all remember halloween and i had my worst meltdown to date outside of attempts? similar build up rn actually
#personal#:)#i’m not doing great. my brother asked how i’m doing and it’s the first time#in a very long time someones asked me that without me begging them to example when i broke my foot#anyway he sent me that after i was making sure he’s been calling our dad and it led to me violently sobbing bc no one ever asks me that#and i’m just overwhelmed constantly#and yesterday my mom said my brother offered to let dad stay with him#other brother than the one who asked im doing it’s the one who broke my door on christmas#and she said it was so nice not to feel alone in this fight and i want to scream#which i have been in my car my floor anywhere i can it’s really easy to just scream till i can’t and cry lately#and it’s like i mean nothing.#like all the talks we have all the constant venting to me every conversation ending with me giving her money or treats or WHATEVER#like the night my brother called her i was like hey. i know this is bad and dads abusive to you. that gets lost in translation a lot and#you get pained as the villain but you’re not. this is horrible and i recognize that and want you to know#between helping my dad all the time like even while in the rest room i just have to be available#and my moms calling me to make sure he eats im paying btw and clean the house and fix a lamp#and half i can’t do bc of my dad#and she came home and was like heat this up for dad and i just broke i lied and said i feel on my foot bc i was screaming#and she starting muttering some shit about me but took care of my dad#and then my friends want to hang out and i get it most people need to hang out with friend occasionally#but i turn them down and he’s like trying to keep asking me and i’m like no i need to rest and do my taxes it’s been a bit hectic between#family emergencies new full time job and a broken foot#but he keeps pushing ti im just like no i’m not going out. i don’t want to get into it but life is very bad for me rn#frankly speaking i would kill myself than go out tonight tomorrow or even next week (we have plans next week) but i should be normal enough#by next week to hang.#and it’s like this with so many fucking people and the only people i would willingly see rn#is audrey and gg and my brother and sure i have plans tomorrow but i’m not super excited about it#and they should be quick!#if i get anymore push back i’m just canceling all plans and going mia i just can’t do this
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