#but this is how I feel every time I post on tumblr dot com

[stefisdoingthings]

silence

also this is from Wolfwood's POV (in case it isn't clear) i have 0 normal thoughts (every song ever is VW)

[yea-baiyi]

does anyone else have extremely strong visual/sensory imagination and therefore have a ton of highly specific individual headcanons for every character in every piece of media you consume that you can’t justify and can’t talk about without sounding utterly insane

[boredkitkulover]

💀

[blorbocedes]

let me take you guys on a journey. one that will help you understand how annoyingly obsessive and hung up my brain can get......

so here is where our wild goose chase starts. I was going through a 2012 f1 blog's nico tag. it's actually pretty rare for early 2010s blogs to have comprehensive tagging systems so whenever I find one I try to go thru it all. and I come across this v cute nico image (cropped for posterity. payoff will be worth it promise)

here we have a picture, from 2012, and in classic 2012 fashion there is meme text on it. OP of the original pic deactivated. so I want to find the version without the meme text. pretty easy, just reverse google search right?

WRONG!

google reverse search is functionally dead and defunct and absolutely dogshit.

ok back to square one. I'm trying to sus out from whatever information I have.

the other meme watermark of f1humour.tumblr.com? deactivated.

okay 37 notes. maybe I can do something with this.

tumblr kind of breaks (?) with very old posts. so even if someone tagged it, I can't see it. ok but 14 people liked it!

of the 14 accounts only 7 actually show, including mine. so what I do is I go through 6 of those blogs, and their public archives because those accounts are all inactive for several YEARS now. and I check their blogs for April 2012.

no luck.

back to the drawing board.

the meme has a MOTORSPORT.COM watermark.

here's all the information I have: this was posted on April 24th, 2012, which means that's my upper limit on the date this could be taken. Nico got in Mercedes in 2010. So from anywhere between 2010-2012 motorsport images couldve taken this pic.

so, because I was born with excessive intelligence, I think hmmm... let me search the archives of Motorsport Images dot com. surely that is where Motorsport dot com would keep their Images.

two years of a racing driver's pictures means thousands of pictures. okay. let's start from April 2012. unfortch for keen eyed listening, April 2012 was also the Chinese Grand Prix aka Nico's first f1 win.

why is that relevant? because it means every photographer and their MOTHER took a picture of nico for his first win. over 900+ images.

while I am exhibiting extremely unemployed levels of behavior here, I don't actually have the time and brain capacity to sift through 900 images.

I go back to the original tumblr post. this time I go to the empty reblogs. there's lots!

but because there's no tags it can't help me. still I go through every one of them because you can see the blog I found the pic from @the-fastest-waffle is listed in the other reblogs even though they clearly had tags!

and I find my silver lining. from @fuckyeahf1drivers's tags

just this simple. #bahrain #lol

if this picture is from bahrain 2012 it changes everything, as in it narrows my search a shit tonne.

375 images. This means 1-15 pages and I know the exact picture I'm looking for. I feel like I'm SO close. I can't give up now. gambler mentality 💎

so I guess what. I go through all 15 goddamn pages. and I DONT FIND IT!!!!!!!!! SCREEEEEECH

now I've lost hope. if it's not from bahrain 2012 then it can be from anywhere from 2010-2012 taken by motorsport.com which is just too big a search. there isn't anything I can narrow it down with. my search is futile.

but I have one tiny little thought bugging my mind. how come motorsport images don't have the motorsport.com watermark... so I consult a fellow archivist @vegasgrandprix on the matter.

WE AS A SOCIETY NEED TO ADDRESS WHY MOTORSPORT.COM AND MOTORSPORT IMAGES.COM HAVE THE SAME FONT

finally. finally

I go on motorsport.com

which is actually kind of not super user friendly interface finding their pics if you have excessive intelligence like I do. I go into this knowing if the bahrain 2012 long shot is actually NOT when that picture is from, I'm fucked.

I filter and say a prayer.

and lo and behold.

salvation.

one person's singular tag of 'bahrain 2012 lol' led me down this spiral, where if it wasn't for that bit of information this would be lost forever because finding the version of the pic without the meme text is otherwise near impossible. google reverse search is no help, and f1 drivers simply get photographed way too much. reblogs + tags with context literally are a holy grail. this is what I imagine archaeologists feel like. so if you ever want someone 12 years after you've posted something to go down finding out, tag your posts accordingly (assuming tumblr survives the next decade)

so why did I do it? why did I spend hours of my life on this? cause it's fun. it's like a mystery and it itches at my skin. many times I'm not successful which is why the times I am feels so rewarding because it feels almost like detective work, finding and refinding something, overturning evidence. and I have a brain that just functions Like This.

and now for the fruit of my labour, if you guys still want to see. the picture I spent hours to find the original version of. sitting proudly at the time of posting at 9 notes 😌😌 here's what goes behind actually finding and archiving 2010s retired f1 drivers online. click below!

👇👇👇

👆👆👆

[spadesolace]

(figuratively) cheshire! yeji x fem! reader

synopsis: were you hypnotized or were you truly in love with the girl that disappears and appears when she chooses to. maybe you've gone insane and she's simply a figment of your imagination.

spade speaks: this was supposed to be posted on the 12th but i got so busy so... i had fun with this prompt and thank jade-jini from tumblr dot com cause this prompt was lowkey rotting in my notes and it popped up in a conversation.

you’ve long been fascinated by the idea of hypnosis.

is it magic or acting - you never seem to get the grasp of whether it's real or fake. having to watch clips on youtube and questioning every single detail, from the reactions to the prompts; you’re left wondering.

you wonder if hypnosis could be used to make someone fall in love. looking at someone and immediately falling in love – not your cup of tea.

love at first sight wasn’t a trope you enjoyed. falling for someone based on their physical appearance made you feel off in some way. there are pretty girls you walk past on your way to class but not a single one that could make you go. “yeah, i’m in love with her”.

so, you merely believed that people who experienced love at first sight were either hypnotised or it was purely infatuation (or lust).

believing that you won’t experience it at all.

until you were on your late night convenience store run around the neighbourhood. with the city asleep, no cars coming by, or any possible dog to chase you; you enjoyed walking at night given that the world is asleep and you couldn’t possibly bump into someone you knew. no one sane enough would be out at 2 in the morning just to get snacks while cramming chapters for their exams.

maybe you’re a bit insane.

as you walk inside hoping no one aside from the staff to be there. in the same aisle as you, stood a girl wearing a jacket from your university, hair in the shade of a light orange almost blonde, looking at the snacks you were planning on getting. you notice the hair right away, no one in your class has that bright hair colour aside from her. it was too late to go to another convenience store.

she’s already looking at you. 

looking into her striking eyes, something felt off. there’s something about her that you never understood. how’d she’d have guys falling for her, give her the things she desires only to leave them chasing after her.

maybe she likes the chase.

you were never one to act impulsively, especially when it comes to interacting with acquaintances.

she’s looking at you, like there’s some sort of spell and you can’t look away. even forcing yourself - you’re stuck as she walks past you to the counter.

she gives off such a peculiar scent, musky, powdery, with hints of something floral. walking by you again, she could only smile as your eyes were focused on her leaving figure.

a sudden urge to follow her tries to take over you but you shake the feeling away as you look back at the now empty stack of your favourite snack that she bought.

leaving the store with your second favourite and confusion in your face. the scene replaying in your mind - you’ve seen her before but that entire thing is nothing but a huge question mark and profanities running in your mind. how can someone who is irrelevant in your life make a huge change.

what the fuck was that?

————————————————

it happened again. this time you were at the library finishing a paper. working alone, knowing that the library isn’t a place where most students would come to study but more so sleep.

peaceful, quiet, not much going on aside from the fact that she is right next to you, stopping by the shelf next to your table and scanning the row of books that aren’t even in any of your majors.

dumbfounded looking at her and taking note of every single detail there is to her. bright coloured hair is now black with a chic comfy fit that was different from her somewhat sporty outfit the night you saw her at the convenience store. red top, with jeans, and a fuzzy bucket hat. her eyes are beautiful as ever as she scans the books, finding for the one she likes or needs. you don’t know what compelled you to go over and help her out. 

“looking for something?” you smiled at her, watching the way she reacts once you’ve made your presence known.

“oh- you’re y/n, right?” surprised that she remembers your name or let alone knows your face.

“yeah, sorry, i don’t remember your name.”

“yeji.” she reaches her hand out for you. as you take it and shake her hand you’re left wondering what made you so intrigued by this girl the other night.

was it her eyes?

her aura?

or something else?

since that day, yeji was always near. in class she’ll sit next to you and help you with lessons you're confused about. at the library where you study, and she’ll be nearby reading the book she was looking for the other day, or when you’re out with friends and she’ll be there minutes after with her set of friends.

it’s just a coincidence, right? how every place you go, she’ll be nearby. some places you’ve never been to become a constant just because you see a girl with cat-like eyes every now and then.

you’ve heard rumours how she’ll make you fall only to leave you right after. it’s a dangerous game, you know it but you can’t help but be drawn in. your body has no control when it comes to her, without a doubt immediately helping her with any mundane task or if she doesn’t understand the lesson that day.

warnings here and there on how dangerous hwang yeji is but you pay no mind. not when you’re wrapped around her finger with a single please and a look from her, like you’re hypnotised.

she blends in so perfectly within the crowd, popping out of nowhere when you least expect it but one you’ve noticed is how she always asks you for a favour with that smile of hers. it would have been fine if it were only that and nothing drastic - not until that one night at ryujin’s party.

it’s embedded in your mind on how soft her lips are, caressing your face as she pulls you closer, hearing her whisper your name like a secret, and her perfume lingering in your clothing the day after that you’re scared to wash it as if it’s your last memory of her.

hwang yeji made sure you won’t forget her that easily. running away together after class, only to kiss her in private - following her like a lost puppy. every single day you’re stuck by her side, days without her felt like a step towards insanity - how did it come to this?

it started slow - finding a way to enter your life, she executed it perfectly with the little things that slowly drove you insane.

then everything went by fast - the kiss. her touches. her perfume. but her secret was where you thought you’d finally made yeji choose to settle down and not run away like a stray cat after being fed for so long. how she opened up, her walls down but yours were completely bare. she had your heart then took it, running away once she got what she wanted.

you never believed that love at first sight is real. not until you experienced it yourself that it makes you question whether it’s actually hypnosis.

hwang yeji is like the cheshire cat, she appears whenever she wants to.

“y/n, love… could you help me with this?” with that alluring smile that makes your heart skip a beat. a nod and you’re back to being her puppet lost within the midst of her collection.

like the cheshire cat, she disappears either leaving nothing or traces.

“will you stop sulking? you’re drunk, y/nn. we warned you about her and yet you still fell for her tricks.”

“the fuck do you know?! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT’S ONLY A TRICK WHEN YOU NEVER DATED HER!!” it was a wrong move to push yeonjun while drunk or how you clutched onto his top with tear stained cheeks. musky, powdery, with hints of something floral that you know it’s lavender at this point.

throwing a punch at him was not your best move as you’re getting kicked out - that same alluring smile with striking eyes. you hate how you fell for hwang yeji.

you’re slowly going insane as every single little thing reminds you of her. it’s insanity because how could she pull you in, take your heart and leave you bare with nothing but confusion, hatred, questioning everything.

i was hypnotised.

that’s what you choose to believe as you make your way back to her arms as if she didn’t leave you for months to rot wondering what you’ve done to make her leave you.

you’ve lost it. like alice in wonderland meeting the cheshire cat for the first time and being left curious on whether she’s leading you on or there’s a need for an exchange.

i’ve gone crazy in love.

[asterythm]

on the ending of in stars and time:

an essay from someone who couldn’t sit with it at first, & a love letter to the fic that brought me here anyway. (…spoiler warning for in stars and time, naturally, but you knew that!)

if siffrin isat has taught me one thing it's that vulnerability is cool, actually, and being forthcoming and generous with love when there is love to be shared is how the coolest kids do it.

so. hello isat nation of tumblr dot com. i'm here because even after cutting out several chunks to shorten this significantly, i busted through the ao3 comment section character limit and still had more to say, so i needed somewhere to put it all that would let me go longer.

i’m pretty sure this post is for, like, three people, one of whom is me. but look, it’s been moved here to the webbed site so if you wanna read it anyway i won’t stop you!

=====

i think what it is, ultimately, is this: the ISAT canon ending was beautiful. it was an objectively well-written ending with so much love and hope and thematic satisfaction.

it also left me, for a period, with a deep and unshakeable sense of dread.

:)!!!!

now enter @faedemon's "None Forward & Two, Two, Two Steps Back" (hiya, fancy seeing you here), a two-chapter alt act 5 in which siffrin finds a New, Worse way to break the loops.

despite being, as mentioned, a notably worse outcome for everyone involved, this alt end managed to cut straight to the heart of that dread and settle it — and not in the sense of "oh, i like this alt ending better", or “oh, the canon ending looks better in comparison against this worse alt ending”, so much as "oh, thanks to this alt ending i am finally able to sit in a place where it no longer feels like the canon ending, as a beautiful outcome which felt impossibly lucky to get, is the only outcome in which life can go on — and my ability to accept it, and the game as a whole, is elevated for it."

which!! i mean!! i don’t know that that’s exactly what you set out to do; None Forward is explicitly a tragedy!! and one, as your tags say, written because the canon ending didn't ring true for you.

but I realized that the thing that was stopping me from enjoying ISAT’s canon ending was that ugly hard core that was still so, so scared after the canon ending of every way we (that is, siffrin + i as the player moving in that incredible ludonarrative lockstep with him, holy moly the harmony in this game) had not yet grown to earn it. 

=====

(I’ll take a sec here under the cut to say that when I played ISAT, and then for much of the month that followed, my main reason for engaging with it and its related content at all was that it was a piece of media that came fervently recommended by my incredibly dear friend @iconocat , who it had massively, violently impacted and whose media recommendations in general I trust more than anything.

so i played ISAT, and it was incredible. but even though it's a piece of media that just about hit on every point on my list of Things That Set My Brain On Fire, it failed somehow to. well. set me on fire — at least to the extent I was expecting it to. I still enjoyed myself in the few weeks afterwards of running through fan content and intentionally plunging myself into media analysis, but I was never convinced that I would be engaging with ISAT to the extent I was if it wasn't for the sake of trying to intentionally hack my brain to the point where I could share with my friend something so important to her at the same level of genuine investment. 

I’m telling you all this because, legitimately the same night I posted “nothing but a dull ache” (ie, if you're not charlie faedemon and are somehow caring to read this anyway, the epilogue oneshot I started feverishly writing the morning after reading None Forward), I realized through my rambling in my friend’s discord dms that reading None Forward was the moment the fire finally caught. I spent a month burying myself in ISAT content and asking myself “Is this natural yet?”. after None Forward, the answer to that question finally became a sure, wholehearted yes.)

=====

so anyway, back to the essay.

don't get me wrong. it's really, really nice, to read a story where the moral is less “you should have asked for help", and more “there are people who will unselfishly give the gift of a love that saves even when you cannot save yourself".

but that whole ending also was only able to happen because 1. they broke in a way no one should ever have to break, and 2. everyone involved got lucky.

which, in media, happens all the time!! it is not inherently dissatisfying for a narrative to wrap by saving you with luck and love in the nick of time!! in fact it should be incredibly satisfying, after the unambiguously-negative downward spiral into Director Siffrin who had begun to learn what to say and do to make his family behave exactly the way he needs them to, for a stroke of unpredictable luck brought about by factors entirely out of his control to finally be what sets him free.

but like... I think it's because the story is set in a situation where it's no longer true that luck and randomness is a factor by which anything significant can change.

we're hammered over the head with it: until and unless you do something to alter the course of events, they will not be altered. when you are the only dynamic element the world is reacting to in an otherwise looping course of events, you don't get to rely, anymore, on the idea that at any moment something could happen to save you. you have to assume that nothing will happen unless you make it.

and siffrin?? siffrin's literal motto was "stick to the script"!! they spend the loops with a mouth that kept closing tighter and tighter and tighter until i got to act 5 and watched them implode. and then I’m saved, and I know I haven't earned this. I get to the end and I'm still not telling them anything!! I wasn't supposed to get the good ending!! but I get away with it anyway with open arms and acceptance and unconditional love, and it's. kind of nauseating?

how am I ever supposed to learn and grow, if I didn't manage to change my behaviour even then under the threat of Eternal Looping Torment, and still got the good ending anyway? how can I prove there was an alternative way I could have broken free if things hadn't turned out so lucky in that one terrible act 5 loop?

I can't. and that's terrifying.

(aside: I’m speaking in the first person here to emphasize that the thing that got in my way is not because I don't believe siffrin is deserving of this love — quite the opposite, I think the driving force behind the good ending is that siffrin went scorched earth and saw he was loved anyway — but because this is a game designed to frequently encourage the player to deeply feel what siffrin is feeling throughout its course and. well. as a thing to happen to a fictional character it's beautiful. as a takeaway for the player, it's... harder.)

and that's where None Forward comes in. (i’ve already written thousands of words in comments and epilogue fic declaring my love by now, but i mean. im hoping you won’t mind just a liiiittle more.)

None Forward shows a devastatingly written, all-too-believable version of what might have happened if siffrin didn't get lucky, and the loops continued, and they kept clinging to the script and refusing to Look At It and successfully stagnating and stagnating and stagnating as they were so determined to do. and it's bad, it's worse, it's way way worse — but there's no reliance on outside factors. it comes completely from within siffrin and loop, the only dynamic pieces in the world, finally breaking out.

it was the terrible, nightmarish unfairness of the loops brought to their natural, just-south-of-inevitable conclusion.

and yes, it's a terrible, unfair conclusion, but the loop still breaks.

in a roundabout way, it... gives me so much hope. if the outside factors were different, if the stars did not align just right to allow siffrin's family to get there on time to save them, if siffrin never learned to open their mouth, which by all means seems like the likeliest course of events... they'd still get out. worse for wear, and separated by a gap unbridgeable, but out.

there is a future. there is freedom.

=====

to speak more specifically on dull ache, if you'll forgive the indulgence, just since this was originally meant to be in a reply to the author in my own comments section:

I think I so desperately needed to write it with a focus on the family siffrin left behind because I wanted to prove, if just for myself, that in that barely-dodged alternative there still could be a future for everyone. (isabeau's just happened to be the voice in which dull ache came to me, but the point was to create an epilogue for all four.)

for the rest of the family, who was not quite so deeply ravaged but was still left in a bad way at the end of None Forward, and for whom randomness is not pretty much unequivocally good just by virtue of being better than the alternative like it is for siffrin and loop (more on that in a sec), I could see it mattering more to set specific pieces up precisely, and I could actually imagine the pieces I could set up that could have a meaningful impact in the immediate future.

so. y’know. I set them, in the way I happened to want to. granted, with some extra... divine indulgence, but siffrin's departure from their family's perspective at the end of None Forward was definitely Wrong but not so obviously wrong that I could believe that without it they wouldn't otherwise either (a) go hunting him down to force out the truth, which felt Worse, or (b) just "accept" that it was as simple as Siffrin not actually caring about them/brushing them off and thus intentionally fade him into the distance in their minds to deal with it. which felt like the WORST POSSIBLE THING.

you'd think it might make more sense to have done this for siffrin and loop, instead. they're arguably the ones who need it most, after all, so why not build them up from rock bottom as a sweeping show of "things get better"?

but... i think it doesn't need to be written to have faith that it will happen: the very fact that Siffrin is about to set out on a new journey in a reality where everything is a dynamic player just. immediately gives me hope all by itself. random lucky things that save you are so much more believable and wonderful when random lucky things in general are happening all the time, and you have all the time in the world for them to happen.

and anyway, I don't think this is the kind of future you’d write satisfyingly as a sequence of events at all. to heal from this is something that will take an incredible amount of time and nonlinear progress. 

until one day, through a series of disconnected small quiet gloriously-random lived experiences, without knowing when it happened or being able to trace it back, you realize, oh —

somewhere along the way, you came to know how to live again.

[balrogballs]

I’m the hair anon back again, I want to message you but I’m scared of sounding like a dumb American but what do you actually do with the oils you posted? Just put them in your hair? Is it before or after washing? Sorry again, your hair looked so gorgeous and I recently had a bad haircut, I asked for layers and they gave me Edna Mode, so any tips welcome lol!

sksksksk please don’t be afraid to message me i am also a silly little westerner, i only know the hair oil stuff because my mother quite literally inscribed the words onto my skull, i don’t think it’s common knowledge!

i also need to tell you that a good amount of these tips are, being from a desi mother’s cabinet, not exactly clinically tested/proven so please look them up, especially if you have allergies…

however, aggressively fixing regretful haircuts are 100% my specialty, though not one i thought would ever come in useful on tumblr dot com… so… list and pics etc are under the cut since i assume the general population wish to see balrogballs, not hairyballs 😇

amla oil — good for hair growth, lengthening, etc, and i think that’s what you’re after? a little goes a long way — rub a bit into your scalp before you shower, rinse it out completely. I usually take a coin-sized amount and rub it into my ends after washing, just because i love the smell.

almond oil does the same, if you can’t find amla oil (though any indian/south asian store should do it) but please use caution and don’t use this if you’re allergic to nuts because putting it in your hair is still directly coming into contact with it.

onion oil — technically onionskin oil, but yes it smells exactly what you think it smells like, so make sure to wash it out thoroughly. just a coin sized bit will do, and it’s good for hair thickness/hairfall (so less bad haircut and more hair loss). also makes your hair very shiny!

blackseed oil — again, good for promoting hair growth, reduces scalp inflammation, also makes your hair very shiny. this is usually sold as blackseed oil but the oil itself is made from nigella seeds/black cumin. a little goes a long way, smells absolutely delightful so i do the same that i do with amla oil, rub a bit into my ends.

coconut oil — benefits are widely known, great at moisturising and repairing, and you can use it in larger amounts as it’s cheaper than a lot of the others on the list, aka you can use it as a full on hair mask etc. however if your hair tends to be greasy, make sure you wash it out thoroughly, two shampoos may be required. if it doesn’t however, feel free to take a bit on your hands and rub it into the ends after you wash it as well, it can be quite protective against split ends etc.

mustard oil — speeds up growth (in my experience, very much so!) and has the added benefit of making your hair quite soft. honestly this can smell quite sharp if the brand you get doesn’t use fragrances, so wash out thoroughly.

eggs + yogurt — hear. me. out. absolutely outstanding conditioner, better than any name brand imo. i don’t use this all the time because it’s very sticky and effortful but i try to do it each weekend. DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR IN HOT WATER IMMEDIATELY PLEASE RINSE WITH LUKEWARM WATER because believe me you do not want to be fishing out curd lumps and scrambled egg from the drain, ask me how i know 😇

OK once again, please DO NOT use all this at once, just use according to need, try one out for a few weeks before expecting results, use a tiny amount first, for the love of god please check every bottle for allergens because most brands add other stuff/fragrances, and always best to get the ones marked PURE _____ OIL etc.

also, again, these are all just ‘home treatments’ which have worked well for me/women in my family, i genuinely don’t know how it may work on non-desi hair or anyone else’s hair, hence me saying please look them up ahaha.

but yes, i had a very short (not edna mode but way shorter than i wanted) haircut early last year, i used blackseed oil + mustard seed oil and here’s what it looked like in feb (pic 1) vs september (pic 2) vs november (pic 3) before i cut it to the length you saw in the dress pics in dec so i am probably doing something right…

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I had planned to post on Facebook today but, in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I did write something though, and I don't want it to go to waste sitting in my google docs, so I guess ya'll on tumblr dot com get it instead.

To anyone reading this who has lost a baby: I see you. You're not as alone as you feel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 24th was one of the best days of my life.

August 27th was one of the worst.

God had finally blessed us with a baby -- and then He took them home just the same.

Early miscarriage is a funny thing. Not many people know yet so, unless you tell them, they’ll never know anything has changed. It’s just you, your empty arms, and your grief. Nothing to see here; just move along.

And it’s not fair. There’s a crib in the basement we never put together, waiting to be used, and clothes from my sisters that my mother stored for years, waiting to be worn, and there they wait still.

We don't talk about it because it hurts and, at the very least, then they can't pity us.

And it’s not right. Every life -- no matter how short -- was a life hand-crafted by God, their brief days ordained by the same One who holds the entire universe in place. And we hide that precious soul away like it’s a dark secret we shouldn’t talk about.

The reality is this: I am a mama, and [husband] is a dad, and we have a baby we love dearly that we won’t get to meet this side of Heaven.

The days we had with our baby were few, but that time wasn't for nothing. That life wasn’t for nothing. Our love for them wasn’t for nothing.

They still matter -- to us, and to God.

So to the baby who never made it into our arms: we loved you then, and we love you still.

And we always will.

[philtstone]

title: although it took a while

Summary: Shawn and Juliet figure out how to fall -- and be -- in love.

if u have been reading my personal posts here on tumblr dot com u jnow that, comrades. this fic kicked my ASS. real frustrated tears were shed. the only reason we're here today is because i dont know how sunk cost fallacy works and refused to give up on it after weeks and weeks of investment. technically this is in the same universe as "so here we are again" and "and we were driving on a road" (my beloved mollyverse) but it can very much be read as a stand alone. the title is of course from space age love song <3. enjoy!

Excerpt:

“What?”

“You were just …” Shawn exhales, rubbing his good hand over one eyebrow and back through his hair. It sticks up endearingly at the top. “I mean, you know, your face got all pinchy and sad a couple months ago, when everything with – I mean, when I was in the hospital, and you came to visit like three times and it was awful — not you visiting, but you looking upset because of me —” He offers a half-laugh that isn’t humorless enough to be truly upsetting. “Couldn’t have that happen again! But don’t worry, Jules, I’m actually fine. Zero gunshot wounds this time. We can totally pretend I walked into a door, or something, and then perhaps partake in a game of parcheesi.”

Juliet’s insides twist tightly, all in one go, into a pretzel-like shape. Schneiders’ Pretzels of Hanover, Shawn would probably say. He rolls his wrist again, grimacing a bit as he does. Before she can stop herself she’s reached out and grabbed his hand in her own.

“Tell me where it hurts,” she says, even though she’s already pressing her fingers gently in between thick tendons and the meat of his palm. Shawn’s fingers rest automatically against her forearm, close to her pulse. His hands are warm, as they have been the last handful of times she’s felt them, and instinctively she skips her thumb over a red scrape on his knuckle to work softly against the curve of his wrist where he usually wears a watch. 

When she looks up, expectant, Shawn is staring at her. His mouth hangs faintly open and his eyes are … oh. Juliet swallows. They can be so intense sometimes.

“I guess I fell pretty hard,” Shawn says finally, registering her earlier question. An odd rough strand is bending his voice. Juliet’s heart pounds in her ears. Her own voice echoes back at her from that case earlier in the year – their proximity on the ladder, his arm reaching over her – Shawn, what are you doing? “Um – weird. I mean, weird. On my wrist. I fell hard and weird on my wrist.”

“Right,” Juliet says softly.

“That feels good,” he adds. They stare down together at their joined hands and Juliet’s careful movements. She ignores the way the dark hairs of his arm tickle her fingers and the faint twitch of his ring finger against her palm every time she shifts her grip. She tells herself they aren’t holding hands if she’s offering a pseudo medical service to her coworker who definitely doesn’t have proper health insurance. 

read the full fic on Ao3

[leatherbookmark]

Every once in a while there will be a blogger I'm not following, but whose posts I know and whose blog I visit from time to time. They can either be a generally popular user, a fandom-popular user, a mutual-in-law, or simply someone whose posts I've seen reblogged by other blogs I visit. You know how it is on tumblr dot com.

Anyway, impressing me -- and at the same time making me take you for a Cool Person Who Knows Things, And Whose Opinions Are Important And I Should Defer To Them -- is only a little bit harder than biting into an overcooked noodle, or accidentally stepping on an ant. So, I'll often admire these people from afar and feel sad and inadequate if we disagree on something, or of they criticize something I think is fine (especially if they do it without giving a reason, like 'well, it goes without saying that X simply sucks').

However -- sudden salvation -- every once in a while this blogger will have an opinion that's so nonsensical, or they'll behave in a way that's so unnecessary hostile to someone who doesn't really deserve it, that it's honestly both sad and surprisingly relieving to me because ohhhh okay you're just a fucking asshole. You're not a special, sophisticated mini-god, you're just an asshole who's mean for no reason. Phew! Aaaaand block.

[fefairys]

me: ugh this persons opinion is pissing me off *feels myself about to go into another rage spiral* fuck this i’m just gonna unfollow finally

other me: but that’s your friend! and isn’t it good to have friends with differing opinions to expose yourself to dealing with the frustration of a differing opinion so you don’t rage spiral every time?

me: yes because that’s been working so well. that’s why we took a break from tumblr after that dysphoria-induced dry-heaving sob session that started from a tumblr post on a similar topic. because being exposed to “differing opinions” is good for us!

other me: well maybe you should grow up! if this person, whose other opinions you agree with and trust and find based, and who you kind of consider a friend, thinks like this, maybe you’re in the wrong!

me: yeah, maybe i am in the wrong. i don’t know. but it still hurts and i want to stop hurting. the peoples closest to me who are actually my friends and love me agree with my opinion on this.

other me: but some of them are still mutuals/friends with people you see posting stuff that makes us upset. if they’re able to casually brush off those opinions, why can’t you?

me: i don’t know i guess im unwell. i mean jesus look what i’m writing right now. am i really intending on posting this publicly to my main tumblr blog with over 3,000 followers?

other me: it would seem so. anyway. if you admit that this is a symptom of you being unwell, don’t you want to try and get better?

me: fuck dude i don’t know. is there any benefit to it? i’ve never encountered this attitude in the wild—

another voice: because the people with that opinion are too scared of violence and alienation to admit this in the flesh world.

???: good.

me: hey that’s not cool. i just hate this i just want to be heard and listened to and understood about this and i hate being at such fundamental odds with people in my own community! i hate the divide this is causing amongst us! it makes me sick! and apparently i have to be the one to unfollow because no matter how many posts i make in direct opposition to their views, i guess they’re just not noticing?!?

other me: or they don’t care? and you care way too much and this isn’t that big of a deal. they probably just roll their eyes and keep scrolling when they see you reblog something like that. why can’t you do the same?

me: because doesn’t that suck????? i hate the idea that these mutuals of mine are reading my impassioned views on the subject and ROLLING THEIR EYES like how fucking dismissive is that?? that’s my WHOLE issue is that i feel like i’m not being listened to, that the things i say don’t matter because i’m JUST A STUPID GIRL, ARENT I.

other me: ok calm down you don’t need to misgender yourself for emphasis.

me: anyway. i don’t want to just roll my eyes and keep scrolling because if my opinion on this matters so much to me, i should think highly of their opinion too, and treat is seriously. i shouldn’t just roll my eyes and move on! i have to consider it! consider if i’m wrong! again! and again and again and again! god dammit we should have stayed on tumblr dot com slash timeline slash blog underscore subscriptions…

other me: but that’s even worse! a super insular bubble you curated of only people who have the exact same opinion as you on this? tsk tsk. stop trying to avoid confronting your biases.

me: i look this bias in the face on a daily basis and question myself over it constantly, yet i keep falling back in the same place. when do i get to decide that i’m secure in my position and stop??

other me: maybe never. we’ve recently realized we were wrong about a LOT of things we thought we had secure positions on. maybe the only solution is to change our mind.

me: that would be disingenuous. i changed my opinion on those other things because *i* changed and i would have been a hypocrite to hold true to my old opinions. that would have just been me lying to myself and repressing myself. i don’t do that anymore. “changing my mind” in this case would feel like a total lie. i simply don’t agree. my experiences have taught me otherwise.

other me: ok. so be at peace with that and stop spiraling every time someone disagrees with you.

me: but they don’t JUST disagree, they turn it into “you’re stupid if you disagree” “you’re a threat, you’re harming us, if you disagree”

other me: but they’re the ones that are wrong and harming US. just stop listening.

me: i don’t want this to be an us vs them thing i just want us all to love each other and find space for each other and listen to each other. i feel guilty for wanting to plug my ears of the topic.

other me: it’s getting late. i think we should go to bed.

me: but i’m still thinking about this

other: pointlessly. you already unfollowed them.

me: only one of many. i’m going to have to have this thought loop so many more times. and it’s slightly different for each person depending on Factors…

other me: we need to go to sleep.

me: but i’m still thinking about this

other me: we’re tired. you’re starting to feel dysphoric again. turn on a video and go to sleep.

me: i’m not a man anyway so why do i care i’m basically just a cis girl who has no right to align myself with being trans at all and—

other me: GO TO SLEEP

[ghastlybirdie]

I've been meaning to make a post like this for a very long time and I never know how to start it out but I'm going to wing it cause I dont know my admiration for random people on Tumblr dot com could be made into a pretty essay or something so... I will yap endlessly

Writer Recommendation Series cause I can't express how much I adore my favorite writers <3

Spotlight: @glossysoap

If any of you ever want to have a good friend, a laughing buddy, a bank heist pal? Get you Glossy cause they will ABSOLUTELY be there for you.

Glossy is such a good friend to me, at this point, both on Tumblr and off, theyre such a genuinely good person and I would actually blow up the moon for this beautiful person and I adore them both as a writer and as a person. Movie nights, screaming about fictional men, playing little games, and just venting like the girlies do (gn). Glossy is just a good, genuine person. Someone like that is hard to come by. Genuinely.

I interacted with Glossy like any other; liking and reblogging mostly and silently talking to myself in tags. Then I got brave and sent anon asks, all under the 🌻 anon tag and some, and soon after (literally like 4 days later) she called for the 🌻 anon and BOOM I came into dm's. It's history from there.

Whether it's hurt/comfort (mostly hurt, girl RtC hurts me to this day lmaooo), dark themes, plus size readers, nsfw scenes, Glossy is able to write it and keep me GLUED and I mean G L U E D!!

And Glossy is so interactive! It's not hard to talk with her, even from a regular Tumblr user! You can talk to her and she's so easy to get along with, naturally funny and honest. She reblogs such good posts, even mine even though I'm a little ol' lady, and she's so ready to scream at the top of buildings about how much she adores other's writings. I can trust her and her taste. Fine cuisine, if you will!

And as with any human being, Glossy is flawed like the rest of us... And despite it all, yall best believe I'd start cheering and screaming at the top of my lungs to defend this baddie (and pretend I shake my ass or something) cause if it's fandom discourse or just shitty people being shitty people (iykyk) Glossy handles it like the ADULT she is. She can hold herself accountable and she will stand her ground, and she'll do it while serving CUUUNT (and then I shake my ass again but no really, Glossy is beautiful, her makeup skills are so sick)

SO lemme just have a list for you, cause I'm gonna go through some and leave you with homework!

Of course, please look through Glossy's masterlist! All of her works are posted there, and I can't touch on EVERYTHING that I love or else... Idk, we all might be here for a long while.

Ready to Comply - Ghoap x Winter Solider!reader I don't remember how this series came upon my eyes but it did, and at first I didn't really have an interest to read it cause I never was a Marvel/Superhero fan. But I saw it reblogged again on my feed and I thought "it must be good" and so I read a minute of the first chapter. And the next. And the next. And then I implanted myself into Glossy's life and here we are. I don't know what about the story or writing really hooked me in. Perhaps it was the pairing (I love me a good Ghoap fic okay), or maybe the creativity? Despite my lukewarm opinion of Marvel, I still enjoyed the story cause it felt seperated from the source enough that I didn't feel like I was missing much, if any, information. Most of what is written is described in a way that I could picture it all in my head comfortably. Speaking on comfort... this is certainly not a comfort fic LOL this is not a story for your grandma! Glossy's written something that made my mind picture hurt and gore and pain in a delicious way! And the more chapters you get into, the better the writing comes out! It's like Glossy is learning more and more ways to hurt me, it almost feels personal. Glossy, babes, do you enjoy giving us pain? That's okay, we like it <3 I adore the series, and every other piece of writing that Glossy provides just keep building up and up. This series holds a special place in my heart, and I love it dearly, even if it's not updated recently, I happily go back and read it when my heart needs familiarity and pain <3 Glossy writes a lot, I admire how often she does cause JesUS girl, how you write so much? I'm linking the fics I've read and remember fondly <3 And of COURSE please read more of her work. It's all so good and they really are a fantastic writer who only gets better as time goes on.

Staring - Weirdo!Ghost x Reader He's a freak, look at his weirdo (i say drooling and affectionately)... I'm also biased cause I (guess i dont remember now) helped with this one LOL

Showering with TF141 - Poly!141 x Reader Listen... I'm a simple man. I see poly and dubcon? I click. I should put this on my wall. Glossy knows what's in my brain, I guess lmaooo

Pushing Boundaries - Perv!Soap x Reader Do I need to say more? It's gospel at this point, and Glossy is giving the sermon

Teamwork - GazPrice x Reader *punching the wall* I think I'm gonna buuuust. Anyways, it's so delicious, please just UGGGGH give me

I could (and should but this post would be literally a mile long) post all of Glossy's works individually but I think, if you haven't already, should go through and read their work. It's worth it.

And it's worth every ounce and every effort and every moment to be a mutual and a friend to Glossy. She's one of a kind. As a reader, as a writer, and as a friend. And I just couldn't keep that to myself. So please PLEEEEASE read Glossy's work, and say hello, and show love. Cause Glossy deserves it.

I love you Glossy!!!! And I hope to have you as a friend for as long as the world spin... or as long as you can tolerate me LOL 💛💛💛

[lollytea]

Up until a month back I liked a guy. And I really liked him. But I found out he didn't like me back. I was really upset, but I didn't want to hold it against him, but then I found out he had a reputation of being a player (which, at our age of 14 is flirtatiously texting girls and then just. Ghosting them).

And I felt really upset. I began to question if he even saw me as a friend, and whether the way he texted me was even friendly. What if he secretly loathed me and was just doing this to get a kick out of it? What if he knew about my feelings and they were just a joke to him?

I wanted to cry, but I told my friends and my sister I was okay. But I wanted to scream. Its not my fault I was born ugly. It's not my fault my face makes me unlovable. And even though I wanted to distance myself from him I felt some sort of perverse pleasure every time he did something embarrassing in front of every one.) And that's when I think it hit me.

That's why I'm unlovable. I am unlovable because I'm a terrible person. My friends tried to comfort me saying that he's a shitty person who can't see my beauty/cuteness, but friends are obligated to say that. I wanted to believe them because they're all so beautiful, and they would never lie to me because they love me. But they deserve a better friend than me.

I want to cry because I want to experience having a whirlwind romance, and falling in love. I also know I'll probably never have that.

And AGH I feel so upset. Because all my life I've known I was ugly. But when this guy showed me attention, was nice to me, it made me feel special. Made me feel like I was having my own romance.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate that I can't be loved, I hate my face, I hate myself for feeling these things. Last year when I suspected I began liking him, I told myself not to fall too deep, and here I am, ranting to you on tumblr dot com.

Lollytea, I love your writing and I love your posts. I love how confident you are of yourself. I'm very sorry for ranting in your inbox about my shitty love life, if this makes you uncomfortable, please delete it. But if you don't, I genuinely would like some encouragement. That my time for my own romance will come. That I will learn to love this face.

You're not unlovable. You're just 14. It just happens that being 14 feels a lot like being chronically unlovable. But no, that is not actually the case.

Maybe you've heard this a lot. And I imagine that it must be frustrating to listen to. That being a teenager just means your emotions are bigger and more intense than they will ever be in your entire life, so they're irrational and silly.

That's not the case either. Your feelings matter. And they're worth being listened to. But I do need you to keep in mind that the age range you're in right now is one of the most difficult periods of time that a human being will ever go through. Being a teenager is very hard. Being an adult is hard too. But me and every adult I've ever met would not trade it for being 14 again. No way in hell.

It does severely influence how you see yourself and why your emotions feel so strong and messy and all over the place. But I assure you that you're doing a fantastic job for a person in your situation. It's rough and you're getting through it and I'm proud of you.

Firstly, I'm going to say this quite bluntly but dont take it as me insulting them. Most of the boys in your class probably aren't that smart. And they are the absolute worst people to be seeking validation from. I promise that their opinion of you is not worth worrying about because they are...stupid, frankly. They won't be stupid forever. Probably. But being 14 is a weird age for boys too and they're quite mean for a while before they mature and chill tf out. Please try not to let it get to you if one of them doesn't like you romantically. I promise you it is not remotely a big deal. None of them have any idea how to be good boyfriends yet anyway.

No, you're not unlovable for occasionally having spiteful little thoughts about somebody who was mean to you. Everybody has those every once in a while. As long as you maintain some self-awareness and don't let cruelty consume your whole brain, having a few mean thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person. What WOULD make you a terrible person is external terrible behaviour. It's your actions that matter. So just be kind, alright? Be kind to your friends. Ignore the people you don't like but be civil. Don't hurt anyone. If you stick to all of this, you're golden. Considering that you already seem so self-critical of being a bit bitchy inside your own head, I think that's a promising sign than you won't do anything worse than that. I hope so anyway. Be kind, that's all you can do. Your friends love you. If you put your all into loving them in return, then you can have something so special.

You're not ugly, you're 14. Sorry, I'm getting a bit repetitive but I think it's relevant information to this whole situation. At the age you're at, your face is probably in this weird transitional period between child and adult so maybe that's why it might look "uglier" than usual to you. It might last a few more years but it won't look like that forever. I assure you that your face is beautiful because it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's alright if you've felt ugly your whole life. The way you look at your own face is way more personal than the way you look at other people's faces. We don't really notice the flaws on others the way we notice our own. We're wired weird like that.

All I can say is hang tight. If you don't like your face then please try not to let it upset you that much. Your face hasn't fully developed yet. For the time being, you look exactly the way you're supposed to look and you're perfect. Let's see how it looks in a few years before we make any rash decisions about it being as ugly as you think it is.

Don't be hasty in the belief that you'll never find love and romance. I assure you that the age you're at is the absolute worst time to get a boyfriend and its perfectly okay if you don't experience it for another while. It's normal. You're fine. It's okay.

I know you want it. I know it sounds nice. And I promise that if its important to you, once you're older and the people you're interested in are a little smarter, you will have it.

I'm serious when I say that for the time being, focus on being a good friend. Focus on school. Focus on your own physical and mental health. Focus on your hobbies. Being wanted by 14 year old boys won't mean shit in the long run.

Things will be okay. You talk so much about how you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But your life has only just begun and you hardly know who you are yet. It's impossible to tell what will happen in the coming years. I promise that you'll be okay.

I know you came for me for reassurance but from that last paragraphs, I'm sure you're already smart enough to know the things I've told you. But I imagine that you just needed a second opinion. Take care, love.

[faulix]

btw, since people love lying about me on this website:

i have not known lolthia for a year like they claim. i first learned of lolthia about a month ago when i noticed their racist treatment of my friend. it was by chance we learned of their goretober list that had abuse glorification with prompts like medical/drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. we were able to see that lolthia had a pattern of writing yandere, murder, and other gross topics with a quick search of their blog. THAT is why i decided to say something and call them out. period

x

i find it kind of hilarious that you're claiming to have blocked me from servers and discord so you don't have proof. i wonder if you would even know my discord, yknow, the one handle i haven't changed in years. i mean, surely if you have me blocked you would be able to pull that up easy right? let's not forget the fact that you're claiming to know me personally when you cannot even get my pronouns right.

x

the funny part about this is that barely anyone who rb'ed your callout weren't even your mutuals, with a good amount of people actually adding in the notes how fed up they were with your bullshit. i am not a big enstars blog. i'm not even talking about enstars right now. i am a small blogger with less than 100 followers who ships with the only two minor characters in enstars. a majority of people who have rb'ed your callout are not big enstars bloggers. we are small time selfshippers just trying to have a fun time on tumblr dot com. the only one who is willfully taking themselves out of the fandom or even the circle of enstars selfshippers is you. you willfully create harmful content, you paint yourself as the victim, and you refuse to apologize for multiple things such as your racism and suicide baiting.

x

i am nice to others because they are not winding up their victim complex to make me look like the bad guy. again, if you have legitimate proof that we were once friends: look at your blocklist (or your server blocklist) and post my handle. i dare you. but then again, you probably couldn't do that considering you don't know what the username is. i think the funniest thing about it is that you can't even be bothered to post the server name, can't even bother to explain how we met (shocker considering i've only been into enstars actively for like barely a year now), it is you saying "well this is clearly my word against his" when you can't even provide the basic proof that you and i ever knew each other. you probably DON'T want me to post the ask where you said that you had finally found me and lamented that we could even be friends now if i would take back my words and be the bigger person. but then again, you kind of admitted that yourself when you said you didn't know who made the callout and even said it could be multiple people because you didn't know, but hey, let's take back that and spin it as a long rooted hate campaign by me. x

btw, when i first made this post, i held off on posting it because i haven't received nonanon asks for this, so i was able to chalk it up to you just trying to send more anons toward me to get me painted as the villain, but since this morning i woke up to you making a callout post about me that was filled with lies and fake screenshots it's about time i speak up. you may have deleted it, but don't worry, i made sure to screenshot everything you said and put it in an imgur album to refresh your memory. right here, don't worry, i took every screenshot word for word so you can remember what you said.

i'm not going to post every single screenshot to this. i think it would be insane behavior to make this post even longer. so let me just some up my feelings:

in your fake screenshots not only did you try to blur out what my name was (probably because these are not actually talking about me, but hey, you thought you could make it work, right?) but you proceed to, once again, continuously use the wrong pronouns for me, which is kind of weird since you're claiming to have known me for a year.

let me reiterate this so you get it through you thick skull: i use he/it pronouns and have been doing so for years now. your callout and screenshots repeatedly uses the wrong pronouns for me. do not even bother claiming you didn't know or that i recently changed them as my past blog and every single friend i'm close with will testify to my pronouns, and i'm absolutely sick of you misgendering and degendering me and my identity. considering you've been sending me several asks you could have easily looked and my pronouns in both my description and pinned, but hey, that's another lie for you, right?

then you post a screenshot of a server main chat, but it's very convenient of you to 1.) not get the server name and 2.) leave out the date you sent it, yknow, the things that you could at least say we shared together. i wonder why you didn't bother to get that information if it was so important. oh wait, i do! it's because you are deliberately lying about me to paint yourself as the victim.

i'm not going to even dissect the lies you weave together because, once again, you are speaking without proof. this is not a case of "my words against his" you are deliberately spreading lies on the grounds that you think no one will fact check you, you tool. again, if i was such a danger to you that i would deliberately make several accounts to surpass your "ban", why would you not post my discord username or the "alt accounts" i made to protect others for safety? why don't you do so now? oh! it's because you don't know them and are lying through your teeth.

i did not send you an ask where i told you that you needed to change your goretober list to get rid of the necrophilia. if i did, how about you post it with my url and call me wrong. not to mention the biggest thing i called you out on was the fact that you were glorifying and romanticizing abuse with drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. but sure let's gloss over that part because that would make you look bad!

there is nothing out of context in what you said or did, it is in plain english, several screenshots where you demonized a selfshipper of color because "they were more popular than you", pulled several excuses out of your ass to ship with a 16 year old, and put suicide baits in the main enstars tags, oh but don't worry! in your eyes the enstars fandom deserved it! and you want to paint yourself as innocent? give me a fucking break.

and the absolute gall of you to proclaim you acted like this because of your bpd, which you're still rb'ing sad bpd posts now. the nerve of you to assume i am not neurotypical when i have been struggling with autism and adhd all my life, and my own bpd for the past 14 years since i was diagnosed. it is not an act of ableism to call you out on your disgusting behavior towards people of color and abuse victims. i don't care about your backstory. you know exactly what you are doing and say that you are "exploring dark themes". no one believes you, and no one ever will. and miss me with that "i didn't know the shipper's race" as if you did not see the commissions you were directly complaining about them that shows them as not white very obviously. but hey, what's one more lie for you?

just so you know: every single ask you have sent me i have kept. from where you pretended to be 10 different people, all from your original ask where you think we should "just talk it out" without you taking any accountability, thanking me for the callout, pretending to be anons sticking up for you, and even threatening me with fake evidence that i have been in enstars servers sending death threats. but hey, since i didn't respond to those so you could have ammunition as so you could say i'm stalking you and villainizing you, i guess the next step would be a callout!

i will never be as obsessed with you as you are with me. you are the stupidest person on this planet if you genuinely thought i would not catch wind of what you were doing, from sending me and my friends and mutuals several asks to deliberately lying about me on your own blog. you have sent me over 50 asks in 24 hours, spamming my inbox with anons, but you couldn't even bother changing your typing style. you can't be bothered to tell people to watch out for this discord user because, again, you don't even know who i am. you can spin a web of lies to cover your ass, but barely anyone sees through it, and no amount of anons you send yourself will never convince anyone, especially strangers who has seen your blog. i do not care about how you no longer can look forward to your sick goretober where you glorify the abuse that real people go through. i am a grown adult with a job, school life, friends, pets, and so much more. maybe you could be the same if you shaped up and stopped being on tumblr. touch some grass for once. no one will believe you. i will not delete your callout. you have deliberately done horrible acts and acted like you were being demonized because "the enstars fandom and selfshippers are mean and cliquey", as if people don't see right through what you post without care and how you act. either apologize for what you have willfully done or log off and deactivate. i don't care which. leave me alone, leave my friends and mutuals alone, and grow up.

btw, i figured i would also throw this in the enstars tags so people would know about your horrible act and how you have treated me and demonized me for the past two days for standing up for my friends and the people you've hurt. here's the original callout btw, just in case anyone's new here! i don't care how badly you say this affects you because, again the only person trying to demonize you is you yourself. you lie about every aspect to save your ass and i will not take it. i mean, you tagged my "callout" with enstars tags (despite the fact that i never interact with the enstars fandom and have been talking about brc for the past month) but hey! if you wanna act like a clown i'll treat you like one.

you are an absolute moron if you think 1.) anyone would believe you considering your past behavior and 2.) thought i would just lay over and start crytyping for an apology. you are 20 years old acting like a spoiled toddler who got punished for throwing toys at others. i have more resolve, a backbone, and friends that will always care for me and support me, sorry if you can't relate. fuck you

[osaemu]

mini-announcement, i probably won't be posting/interacting over the weekend because i have a big tournament and i'll be spending time with my team !! just a heads up in case you're wondering why i haven't replied to you or your ask yet :,) sorry about that 🤍

cw: discourse under the cut.

i didn't want to have to make this post, but lately i've been receiving a lot of anonymous asks about a certain blog and unfortunately, it's gotten to a point where i feel like i have to address it. don't take this post as being hateful in any way—this is just something i just wanted to get off my chest. this isn't a big deal, so no reblogs either, thanks.

the bottom four asks all came within a span of five minutes, so i think it's a reasonable assumption to make that they were all sent by the same person. as for who that is, i'll get into that at the end of the post.

but first of all, i can say without a doubt that i have a personality of my own. case closed. nobody's actually said how we're similar in any way, so i'll assume these are all from no-lifes who couldn't find anything better to hate on.

second of all, my netflix banner was actually inspired by another blog, who i won't namedrop for the sake of their peace. and either way, our banners don't even look similar, nor do either of us own netflix. x x

and finally, those are actually the two most braindead asks i've ever received. are we copyrighting letters now? does anyone own the letter e?

don't compare blogs/writers—it's never ended well, and it never will.

even after getting these asks, i still didn't say anything about it because.. i don't really care. everyone's entitled to their own opinion, and what you think of me is up to you.

moving on, i think tee left tumblr sometime in between that time and now, and i was told by a mutual that i was mentioned within the post. if i'm being completely honest, i didn't read all of it because we have each other blocked anyways and it was a lot to read through.. so i skimmed over the bit about me, but didn't really see anything of interest, which is why i didn't address it.

i also had anons on at the time, and i did think it was interesting how i didn't receive a single ask about tee from then up until today, about a month later. up until a couple hours ago, i hadn't even thought about her because, again, i don't care. this is tumblr dot com, not my love life. most of the drama here is over pixels anyways, so i don't waste my day thinking about it.

neither of these are particularly interesting, but the fact that you weirdos are still associating me with someone who i'm not even mutuals with is.. not to my liking.

idk what false accounts the second anon's talking about, because i don't go looking for drama. if you need proof, here's how many sideblogs i have... (click the image)

zero!

as for the idea that i'm jealous of tee, i'm perfectly fine with the amount of followers i have now. i've always been open about my satisfaction with my interaction rates, and that hasn't changed.

and obviously, tee's a good writer—when have i ever said otherwise? if it was based solely off of writing, i would say that she deserves every single one of her followers, maybe even more. i don't think anybody on this app would disagree with me when i say that she's genuinely one of the best fanfic writers i've come across.

however, i won't support someone just because i like their content. i've stopped listening to many artists because i didn't like who they were as a person, and similarly, once i read the reblogs on a certain callout post, i stopped consuming tee's content as well.

there's a reason i avoided making this post in the past—because i don't really have anything to say. tee and i have never had a directly negative interaction, as i'm sure you all can see in her archival post. the reason i don't support her anymore is because i didn't particularly like how she never spoke up about her followers sending death threats to other followers. that's it.

while i have my guesses as to who sent those anons, i don't care enough to find out. and i think it's better that way. this conflict's been dragged on for long enough, and this is my way of saying that i'd like to be excluded from this narrative from now on.

tee, if someone sends you this post at some point, feel free to contact me if you'd like to clear anything up. we're both adults, and i think we can agree that nothing monumental has happened between us to cause any of this. honestly, the only people dragging this on are the weirdo anons in my inbox.

to whoever's reading this post, thank you for listening to my side of the story—it was nice to be able to get this off my chest. wish me luck at my tournament, and i'll be back after the weekend !! 🤍

[websitewizard2005]

lloyd allen. for the ask gamw..

Literally forgot every single thought I've ever had about Lloyd Allen while I was writing this even though I think about him 24/7. The mind is cruel.

First impression: I thought he was so boring and I did not give a shit about him at ALL lmao. one of my friends at the time who was a fellow shaperaverse cosplayer was cosplaying Raven and since we were known for doing couples he was like "ricky you HAVE to cosplay lloyd" so after I listened to radio hour I was like ugh ok I guess I have to give a shit about this guy. How do I make him cooler.

Impression now: my babygirl my princess I am climbing the walls of my enclosure every time I think about him etc. he's just like me fr. I think he's such an interesting an complex character and I want to analyze him and simultaneously I think he's ridiculous and I love making fun of him. I mischaracterized him so badly from the years of 2020-2022 but now I see the light.

Favorite moment: i’m gonna be predictable and say either of the gnome murder scenes. ESPECIALLY the second one. what possessed him. also the time he compared raven to a dog.

Idea for a story: I want to write a fic that's set on the night where he kills(?) the first cultist after being attacked & goes to Matt's apartment, where it would be after the two of them had had a fight and were on a break from their relationship. Examines Lloyd's personality and issues with relationships at that point in his life.

Unpopular opinion: I do not think he sees Asha as a mother figure at all. I don't even know if that's a common fan perception but I feel like I've seen it around and I do not agree. They are 4ever siblings/besties to me. Also I think him having a terrible time adjusting to his new body and spending half his time still being a doll is really narratively unsatisfying, even though it does make sense and has good angst potential. (and I feel part of it is a justification for the liveshow puppet lol) I'm kind of on the fence about it because on the one hand I love it when he's miserable but on the other hand it just feels redundant and unnecessary to make him suffer like that beyond what is supposed to be a happy ending.

Favorite relationship: definetly lloydven. it's not even a competition. they have had me in a chokehold since I was 15. literally the toxic yaoi ever. beyond that i’m really intrigued by lloyd & michael’s friendship as well as the dynamic of the august sky playhouse as a whole.

Favorite headcanon: god I don't even know. I have too many thoughts about him to remember what is and isn't a headcannon. the world will know my lloyd headcannons whenever the demon posesses me to post them on tumblr dot com.