#but this has been the toughest ordeal of my fucking life

[nurchantiqa-adifa]

It's been 2 years since I wrote anything here. How exactly am I feeling right now? I don't even know what or how to respond to that, my life feels a lot like a comedy show right now. Nobody truly knows who I am, even the man I was with for 2 years. I've spewed up lies after lies of who I am, afraid to be labelled or stereotyped as the usual minahs who got pregnant at 15 and left by their boyfriends to raise her children alone. That was not my case.

As a teen, I was the rebellious one compared to my brother. I excelled academically, he didn't. But he never gave problems to my parents, while I was always running away from home, making my dad search for me on his bicycle. I was just always searching for attention from all the wrong people, at all the wrong places. Until one day, I was r*ped. I tell people that I don't remember what happened, that I was dr*gged and didn't know whatever was happening. But I lied. I remember so vividly how 5 grown up men was slapping me and thrusting me so roughly that bl00d started pouring down my thighs. At that point I could only cry and beg for god to make everything end. I still feel the pain whenever I think about that. 28 April 2015 will always remain etched as a black patch in my memory.

Then I moved on like nothing happened - I was always so good at that. Carrying on like everything was okay while I wanted to desperately kms every single day. Suddenly at one point, I felt movements in my tummy. A strong, tugging feeling. At that moment , I knew I had another life in me. I stressed so much, thinking what to do. Can you imagine what me, a 14 year old girl went through at that time? It was such a painful ordeal, I ordered ab**tion pills from the web, worked my ass off doing banquet jobs just to pay for the pills. But none of them worked, I just recall bleeding heavily during my A Maths lesson. The cramps were horrible, I was in so much pain yet I couldn't tell anyone. I fainted then for about 30 minutes. Woke up, cleaned myself and joined my PE lesson like nothing happened. This's why I never let anyone make me feel like im weak or worthless, I've been through so much with myself and I have nothing but love and utmost respect for myself and how much I managed to put through with the toughest trials life has thrown at me, I went through the next few months with a growing tummy while still championing my Netball squad, getting gold for NAPFA. how did I do that.. I have no idea. I avoided thinking of my pregnancy, I just pushed through the days trying to distract everyone from my tummy. I started eating so much so that people would think Im just fat instead of pregnant. But how long can you hide a pregnancy? Eventually one day, mama found out from the way I walked. The rest is history, I gave birth to a beautiful boy on 1st January 2016 and I've been counting my blessings ever since.

But I was never the same after that. I lost myself completely, I hated everyone and I was angry at the world. I did whatever I could to make my parents angry, I got myself expelled from school, I started drinking, I did dr*gs, I smoked. I wanted so badly for someone to save me from the mess that was in my head. I just needed a safe space at that moment. I was only 15, forced to mother a child I never intended to have. I love him, and my whole world was focused on him, yet I hated the situation and what I could never provide for him.

And then it happened all over again, I was beaten almost to death by 3 guys.

Yes, that was me. The assault left me with a hairline fracture on my spine, a fucking messed up PTSD, BPD, Major Depressive Disorder and scars on both side of my face. None of this ever left me, it stuck with me till today. I still dream of the assault some days, and I wake up wanting to end my life. Im still living in constant fear over everything that has happened. I blame myself, everyone blamed me too. Just so sick and tired of it.

Doesn't mean there's no good parts to my life though. After what happened, I spent years trying to be a better person, better mother and better daughter. I can finally say im proud of myself, I built myself up from scratch. I found ways on how to climb my way to being an Engineer. The road was long and winding, I got rejected by a lot of companies. But I only had my son at the back of my mind, everything I did from that day on was for him. I want so badly to replace the times I lost with him, to replace whatever that I couldn't give him years back.

Im still battling my mental disorders silently. I don't go to therapy - my dad deems that im just a compulsive liar who uses mental disorders as a way out to every problems in life. I wish he knew better, I wish everyone knew better. But I can't be egoistic and expect everyone to keep filling my cup, so this is me, the raw, unedited, unfiltered version of my life story. I don't know where my life will go from hereon, but I know I'll continue to kick ass no matter what. Im as strong women like that, and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. 🖤

x,

Dee

[sweetness-doesnt-touch-my-face]

Believe it or not, I'm trying with every fiber of my being to be okay. I'm trying incredibly hard to remain positive.

[namjoonchronicles]

hands | yg

↳ pairing yoongi, you

↳ genre drama, fluff, angst

↳ words 1.6k

↳ warnings car date nights, yoongi’s that husband who cook for his wife, student!reader, tw rape, tw depression

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A car pulls into a stop. It's still drizzling outside. The car door swung open, Vans set firm on the wet tar road to reveal a young men putting on his black hoodie as he got out. He caught a glimpse of a beautiful silhouette from the entrance, wearing the dress he likes, hair down and effortlessly flawless.

Skipping to his embrace, you greet like lovers do. His arms draped low around your waist, just above the curve of your bum while he presses his lips on yours, leaning down. He bites his smile when you part and you took a chance to kiss the corner of his mouth. It really has been awhile.

"How are the boys?" you climbed in and Yoongi took the food he packed for you from the backseat. You smiled at his meticulous effort, putting wet tissues in one of the bags, complete with toothbrush for after you've eaten. He knows you're going straight to bed when the date is over. Students aren't allowed to be out that late. Braised spicy tofu, hot rice and kimchi. The food are simple, but it made you feel very much at home. Ever since you began under-graduate school, you hadn't feel like you've been eating on time. And Yoongi knows this from all the brief calls he had with you when you're too tired to speak or when he's too tired to understand.

"They wanted to come but I figured that it will take more than an hour and they need to be in bed on time," Yoongi puffed his cheek, switching his attention to the street light right by your dorms. Then he twitches as if he remembered about something he needed to ask.

"How's class today?" He saw your cheeks bulging from shoving all the rice you can into your mouth and chuckled through his nose as he wipes the corners of your smudged lips with his sleeves, "Eat slowly, the rice is not running away." He fetches a bottle of water and twist them open for you. You collect them from his hand and took careful sips. Without realising, you have rice in your hair by accident and Yoongi picked that away from you.

"It was short. Starts around noon and ended before 5, it was about culture and ethnicity, pretty fun, I'd say," you talked with your mouth full, eyes glued to the food your husband brought, "Best thing about his class is that he celebrates opinions and we frequently have discussion about politic and religion..."

"Sounds like your kind of class, you'd have a blast," Yoongi tucked a lock of hair behind your ear as you ate. You nodded enthusiastically.

"Gosh I missed your cooking," you exasperatedly say, "The food here is dry, always the same thing. Fried rice, fried rice, and more fried rice. I'm thankful for any hints of food, truly, but please vary the choices."

"I thought you liked fried rice??" he cocked an eyebrow, wondering if he had lost parts of his wife in that devil-looking college. "I do, but only the ones you made. I have had a fried rice with a strand of hair, strand of red threads, egg shells in it, I'm like, never again...." the horror was real. Imagine coming home, hungry as a starved hyena and having to be okay with fried rice that are not at par with decent restaurant standards, despite being an actual restaurant. "And you ate them anyways," he concluded.

"You know me too well, it must be sorcery," you squint your eyes at him. "You don't give a fuck when you're hungry, I know that much," he shrugs, dragging a smile,"I remember that one time I saw your empty plate and you asked me if I wanted my fries. And when I said no, you drag my plate to your side."

"That was back when we're not even married yet, you remembered that?" you knitted your brows together. "I remember everything that involves you," he digs his tongue to cheek, knowing that he might have stirred something in you with those words.

Empty containers that came with food just minutes ago are empty and in the backseat where it belonged. After brushing your teeth, you returned to the car and heard Yoongi turning the radio on. Alina Baraz's Lavender & Velvet was playing softly. Yoongi continued talking about the ordeal he had to overcome without you, with the twins being rebellious, drawing on the walls with Yoongi's paints, breaking one of his chords, sleeping together in one bed.

"All three of you? In our bed?" You couldn't hide your astonishment. "They wanted a bedtime story so I figured why not have them sleeping here too because it gets lonely without you... Our first born snores, did you know that?" Yoongi leans his head back to the headrest, turning slightly to your side.

You mirrored him and after a few minutes of silence, and just the music from the radio filling in, you leaned to close the distance and gave him a chaste kiss.

When he gave you a questioning and flustered look, you said, "As in 'thank you for bringing me food, and coming over to see me so late in the night' and also 'for accepting me as I am, although I'm not much'..."

Yoongi propped an elbow and rested his chin on the heel of his palm.

"What happened," he drops his eyes down then to the side, "You were very quiet these days."

You squirmed in your seat for a bit but you know that you wouldn't be able to leave this car until you tell him exactly what has happened to you the last few days.

"A close friend told me that she was depressed and has been taking pills to treat that. Only 19," you started. Ever since you heard the whole story, it has been weighing you in, heavier than you've ever been. Getting a degree at 26 was one thing, finding out that your classmates are 19 is another. Age gap is nothing, that's what Yoongi told you. But listen to this.

"I asked her, what happened before she started drinking and smoking and just ruining her life in Foundation," pause, "She told me that she was running away from her past. A secret she kept from even her own family, that she was pregnant at 16."

Yoongi then find out that she got pregnant not because she was sexually active. But because her uncle took advantage of her gullibility. She was 16 when she found out she was pregnant and that she was 3 months in, with a baby she didn't want.

"And when she told me that, I just started crying... She told me with her back facing me because she was ashamed. Halfway through, I couldn't help but rubbed her back. I couldn't imagine the fear she faced. This brilliant girl, this beautiful brilliant girl with so much in her future, felt less than everyone else because she was no longer a virgin. And was robbed by a person she trusted."

"She kept the baby?" "No, she had an abortion at 3 months. She was about to sit for her college entrance exam. And she couldn't tell her parents because at the time, this uncle was from her mom's side. And at the time, her parents weren't doing very well. She was afraid that if she told them, it would break the family apart. It will give a bad impression towards her mother's family and her dad would have left her mom. She has other sibling needing care, as much as she did. And this girl, this stupid smart girl just felt responsible for everyone else, knowing that she needed the support just as much as others did."

You couldn't imagine the fear she faced. All she did alone. From the morning after it happened, to the day she goes through changes in her body because she was having a baby, to the moment she realised she was pregnant within the numbered days of an important exam, having to hide everything behind her parents. Just what was this girl thinking? Why was she so strong? She was just 16. She was just a baby.

From then onwards, you began to feel the air shifted between you and her.

"She made me found my heart," you wiped a tear that escaped your eyes, "I owe her so much. I hadn't cried, I hadn't sympathise anyone in awhile, and she just, the toughest blow is that she trusted me with the weight that she was carrying and I don't think I'll ever able to thank her my whole life. Like I didn't want to live until I found you and our boys, and she gave me more reason to stay, because I think I should take care of her too..."

Yoongi begins to understand the distance that happened between last week and today. It was like a coming-of-age movie, just that, this one is real. That was something about you. You carry other people's burden like your own, and you help them find comfort where it is absence. That's who you really are, the real you that you've been trying to hide, afraid of getting hurt again.

"Now I see her laughing, I wanted to hear it all the time," you sniffled, "Because there was a time where she couldn't. She told me once that all she wanted was to be accepted, and it all made sense now. That there was a time that she couldn't even accept herself. And I relate to that, and I want to make the world better for her, and I want to keep her safe. And I want her to live."

Yoongi offered his hand to be taken, laced with your fingers. He pulls them to his lips and stayed with you until you recovered.

Sometimes you don't need all the hands,  Sometimes you need just one.

. . . . . . I love you, and I care about you, and I've kept your secret. No one will know your name, but your stories will be heard. If you need to punch a man in the face, I'm only a text away. I got you.

[botanyshitposts]

what if i left my finger on a sundew for like a REALLY long time? would it be able digest my finger? can they do that? i did i quick google search and didnt find an answer so feel free to ignore this ask if you have to put any effort into it cause i didnt put much effort into finding the answer, but if you happen to know like off the top of your head and it isn't a bother then like yeah what would happen to my finger?

oh fucking boy are you into a treat bc u bet ur ass i know the answer to this and its not pretty like tw: the answer to carnivorous plants eating human flesh

okay, so in the carnivorous plant community there’s this botanist named barry rice. rice is a pretty significant figure, and has written some books, is the editor of the ICPS’ quarterly newsletter, has contributed to a considerable amount of research, and is overall a pretty respectable dude who still studies carnivorous plants and does lectures and stuff. he also runs a website called sarracenia.com, where he answers a lot of carnivorous plant questions ranging from simple care ones to advanced info. 

back in 2005, Rice got athlete’s foot. he got like. really, really bad athlete’s foot, and when he finally got meds to get it under control, some dead skin had started peeling off. like, sizable chunks of flesh. so he did the reasonable thing and decided to test this to see if his venus fly traps would eat them. 

now, venus fly traps can’t eat anything that doesn’t move- the stimulation of the struggling organism retriggers the hairs inside the traps to confirm to the plant that it’s snapped onto something, and the more movement it makes, the harder the plant seals the vacuum and the more digestive fluids are released. such is life. so Rice added small earwigs to 2 of the 4 samples (samples 2 and 3) to simulate movement (but all 4 ended up eating the samples regardless). being a scientist, he also scanned in the chunks pre-being eaten, and fed the chunks to not just one venus fly trap, but to a normal venus flytrap plus three other different varieties. he then waited. he assumed that the plants wouldn’t be able to eat the skin, as he assumed that it would be too hard for them to eat (skin callouses + his resident fungal ordeal). 

when the traps finished digesting and opened a few weeks later, rice collected the carnage, scanned them in, and posted about his experiment on his website. what he found was that not only did the plants eat almost all of his toe chunks (i would estimate about 95% based on the images), but they also rejected some parts, which they had sucked all digestible nutrients out of. we see this kind of skeletonization in small animals that fall into carnivorous nepenthes pitchers, but it takes several months of them sitting in there to become fully digested, and in rice’s case, there wasn’t even any bones involved and it took comparatively significantly less time to do so. he then compared all four of them to their pre-digestion counterparts. 

now, i won’t put the full on image of the before and after carnage in this post to protect the innocent, but for those interested, here’s the photo of the pre and post digested toe chunks. the “A” samples are before they went in, and the corresponding “B” samples are when they came out. 

this is pretty interesting, because from what I can tell with my limited knowledge of human biology, it looks like the plants chose to eat away almost all the cartilage?? rice couldn’t seem to make any sense of the color change; to me it seems like they almost rejected any and all blood present in the skin capillaries (how much blood is in any part of ur body at once?? isn’t that like, a thing, where like there’s a small amount of blood touching all ur cells always?? did the plant just condense all of the trace amounts in those chunks and reject it??) but to me, that doesn’t make much sense; isn’t blood a pretty easily easily digested thing? like if you’re not an animal, you would think that that would be a pretty sweet and easy source of protein and stuff. Why would they reject that??

my other hypothesis on looking at that is that it rejected the super diseased portions. or maybe the toughest parts. maybe if it hadn’t finished its natural time-mediated cycle of digestion so soon, it would have finished digesting what was left over. maybe it had undesirable nutrients, or whatever reacted with the weak acid in the plants to produce a chemically indigestible product. idk, this is honestly an experiment i’d like to see replicated on a professional level, preferably with a pre and post examination of the chemical composition of the flesh, you know? and this doesnt even get into the differences in how the different varieties of venus fly trap ate the chunks; the first cultivar, a garden variety wild type, seemed to make the most dent in it, but also didn’t have a bug added. that being said, sample 4 also didn’t have a bug added, and had a similar digestion level to plants 2 and 3; this confirms for us that what was left over by the plants was, indeed, undigested toe chunk specifically. so why did the first variety eat the most? did it have a longer digestion period, or a stronger acid (being an unbred variety), or maybe it’s toe chunk had less of- uh, whatever the plants didn’t like? 

i wish barry had included a chart of other aspects of the plants, like their age and the size/number of the traps and stuff, and information on the cultivars, the last time they had been fed, maybe an analysis of the digestive fluid of each, etc. basically a scientific paper. yeah, i wish rice had made this into a proper scientific paper.

so anyway. I’m not sure what would happen with sundews, as those are a distinctly different plant, but a similar mechanism would be needed; you would need to wiggle your finger occasionally to keep the plant convinced that it hadn’t made a mistake. it would probably take weeks, or months, but eventually it would either 1. eat what it could wrap itself around to the bone or 2. make at least a dent in the digestible meat of your finger. eventually it would stop eating and unravel, wether it was digested or not, because these are active traps we’re dealing with. maybe it would spit out/eat around parts that it didn’t like in the process. idk man if i ever actually come across the means to test this i promise i will report here on this blog first

rip botanist barry rice’s toe chunks 2005-2005

[mononoke-phaux]

Skip if dental talk is triggering/ugh for you!

I can't do a read more on mobile baaaahh.

OKAY sorry I've been deadbeat the past few days I was super tired and earlier today had like the most painful dental experience of my life aaaaaaaand my face is fucked up from it, and gonna be fucked up for at least three more days.

Had 6 crowns put in my top jaw right up front (originally planned to be veneers but changed for better results), needed my gums trimmed (which is the part that hurts so badly), needed a surprise root canal to get some shite nerves out of my face AND here's a fun fact about me:

Anesthetic? Not my friend. It wears off me VERY fast which is why I'm absolutely terrified of surgery and dental appointments that go beyond just getting fillings. And when I say fast I mean I counted how many top up jabs I needed throughout my 10 hour visit (you read it right, 10 god forsaken hours) and it came to 14 that I physically felt or was aware of (some spots were still numb and my eyes were closed 99% of the time so unless he told me or I asked I could have gotten some jabs I'm not aware of). My gums were burning up within 10 minutes of the jabs and the roof of my mouth has been on fire since getting home.

I'm hopped up on pain killers right now which is why I can write this and I'm uhh probably gonna be mia for another 2 to 3 days till the pain is gone. My lips have been royally fucked up from the jabs which swelled them up and the tugging which split the corners and the dryness which has left the skin on them actually paper white and dead.

I love my dentist and the only reason I've willingly gone through SO much pain is cuz I absolutely trust him with my teeth. At one point he was explaining why he had to trim my gums and asked the assistant for the quarterizer then looked back down at me and in the most casual voice said

"You'll smell some bacon. It's you." And that cracked me up enough to not be AS freaked out about it. For the record I do noooooot smell like bacon...

But now I have 6 shiny new teeth in the front of my mouth and am able to properly smile again without using my hand to cover my teeth up, which feels real nice. 😄 Unfortunately I still need the next 6 bottom teeth done and then the rest of my mouth completed two at a time. I'm not going back for at least three more weeks cuz if I have to go through that much pain again so soon they'll need to knock me out. Seriously.

See I first had two jabs into my top gums which immediately numbed me (but puffed my top lip up to make me look like Amy Winehouse ripAmyIhopeitdoesn'thurtanymorebaby) and these two worked GREAT the numbness lasted for hours. Buuuut by the time we reached the fitting stage of my crowns...that is when that good numbness began wearing off. I'd had several little top ups to the roof of my mouth to numb my gums there because of the trimming....but those two spots feeling again? Remember that extreme migraine I had a few months back where I thought I might die? This pain was up there too and during it I actually nearly did pass out and had to endure what I could while my eyes poured and my whole body shook. The three assistants who work there ALL came in to hold my hands blessthesewonderfulwoman cuz they all know me by now and damn if that didn't keep me conscious and brave throughout it. Apparently after this ordeal I'm now the toughest patient they've had because I didn't pass out and didn't force stop the procedure.

I'm laying in bed and the pain meds drowsiness has helped me sleep through most of the discomfort (gotta take it every 4 hours) and THANKFULLY I can still eat food it just feels very strange cuz there's a tiny gap between my new teeth and the trimmed gums (which I'm told will grow down to the teeth again in time ).

I'm probably fairly high off these meds and I keep checking my spelling here but even through all the unbelievable pain I went through today I'm eternally grateful to my mom and dentist for fixing my broken smile and helping me to exist in the future withOUT more pain.

That tooth I needed the root canal on, turns out those buggered nerves were what's been causing me so much pain and sensitivity when I eat and drink. Soon as they were out it was like magic cuz they'd affected the entire top jaw for a long time. And suddenly that pain was gone....I did need 6 jabs to do the root canal though cuz the nerves were "hiding" as my dentist said while working through them.

So yeah I'm going to be recovering the next few days and hopefully be able to post some sexy Apprentice comms I been working on soon as I get back~

Oh yes and FLOSS guys it's good for you even if it's kinda tedious and your dentist will greatly appreciate it!!

[dazzlingfantasiesblogs]

Happy Home P14

Happy x Reader

Warning: Violence

18+ Only Please!!

You grabbed his hand gently and walked back to the bar with him. No words exchanged at all for a few minutes. “Y/N.. you ok?” You sister came up to you, hugging your frame tightly. She looked to Happy with a death threat glare. “Yeah, I am fine. We are just going to talk.. well try to anyways..” Grace nodded. She turned around a croweater shoved your sister. You stood up quickly, ready to beat the herpes covered slut intel Happy grabbed your arm. “She can handle herself. She is your full-blooded sister after all.” Happy watched Grace closely, This was going to prove whether she was ready for this sort of life or if this was just a fling with Juice. You had trained your sister how to fight a few times, and you had seen this croweater before. She should be no match for your sister. Grace grabbed the skank by her tanktop and punched her in the nose. A few more punches were being thrown.  Your sister taking one or two punches. The croweater fell and Grace turned away to walk to Juice. You seen a slight shimmer and realized the crow had a knife. You launched yourself in front of Grace. Tackling her and pushing her down. You felt the blade going threw your flesh. It was a clean stab or so you thought. You grabbed the girls hand so she could not pull her knife back. “Y/N!” Happy came to you, Grace realizing what happened turned around and ran towards you. Falling to your knees you new this would not be fatal, at least you hoped. “Happy..” You whimpered and fell forward, Happy fell to his knees catching you. “Chibs!” Happy yelled out Chibs pushed his way through the crowd of people. Your mother hot on his heels. Happy was holding you in his arms, his dark eyes never leaving your face. Your mom ran up to the croweater, grabbing the knife. “This is how you think you will become an old lady? By going after Juices old lady and end up hurting the Killahs old lady?” The croweater looked down at you sadly. She had no clue what came over her. “She isn’t with Happy… however… I did not know that girl was with Juice… she didn’t have a crow…” Grace walked over to her “Leave. Now. What happened, happened. You will leave the blade.” The girl nodded setting it on the ground. Grace grabbed a napkin and picked it up, wrapping it. “Lad.. we need to get her to a bed..”  Chibs looked at your unconscious face, you were getting pale oddly quick for something that looked like a clean stab. Tara pushed past everyone and seen you in Happys arms. “Happy.. how much blood has she lost.. she is so pale..” Tara lifted your crop top up slightly seeing a pool of blood under the skin. “We need to get her to the hospital, now!” Happy looked confused at the doctor. This was a simple a through and through. “She is internally bleeding.. That stab wound knocked a vein..”

Tara ran in first, getting her scrubs on quickly. She pushed everyone aside and grabbed your stretcher. Soon nurses flooded your unconious body. “What happened?” one of them asked. Your mother spoke up “I am her mother, she protected her little sister from getting mugged. The assailant got away.” The nurse nodded and proceeded to take notes. “We need to get her into surgery right now!” Tara yelled to the nurses They did as told and rushed you in a room. Happy looked through the glass window, how could this night go this bad… Fuck tonight was supposed to be the night you two worked everything out. Now you where being rushed into surgery. He watched as the nurse cut your shirt open and then pants. Ridding you of clothes. He took note at how small you got. Seeing your body looking so muscular but very thin worried him. That ment you quit eating and where working out twice as hard. Happy put his forehead against the glass sighing. This was by far the most stressing thing he had to deal with. He never revolved his life around a woman. However, you.. you where special… making him always feel so.. not like a killer. Instead like a productive person. Always also helping the club. Not to mention going as far as Ireland to get Jaxs kid back. Without anyone knowing you showed up, your whole squad with you and in tactical gear. All of the Belfast charter terrified of six people with advanced guns. When they found out you where his old lady, They were all relieved and very glad you where on there side.  

Three hours passed and Happy sat next to the room with Grace and your mother. Your mom crying a bit worried about her eldest daughter. Happy stood up, wrapping his arms around her and hugged her tight. She embraced the hug and cried into his shoulder. The rest of the club shocked by his actions. Happy Lowman never comforted people like that only; usually a slap on the back and a quick hug. He knew your mom was suffering seeing you so helpless. Grace put her head in her hands. “This is my fault..” Grace choked out a cry. “No.. you did what you where suppose to do.. fights don’t always turn out the way you want them too.. your sister reacted quick and did it without thinking twice. Barly wincing at the pain.” Happy reached out and your sister snuggled into his side as well. He held your mother and sister as they cried continuously about you. About a half hour later Grace and your mother fell asleep on the waiting room chairs. “Lad… she is the toughest person I know.. she wil be ok..” Chibs knelt next to Happy.  “I know…” Happy ruffed out staring at the wall.  Then Tara pushed the door open, her coat covered in your blood. Happy immediately felt nauseous and ran to the garbage vomiting. Tara looked down and seen what he was upset about. She quickly took it off. “Happy, can I talk to you..?” He wiped his mouth and popped in a mint. Nodding sadly to her. He followed her to a room. “Why not have her sister and mother here?” Happy asked confused. “Because that will create a huge ordeal. She will be just fine.. She lost a quarter liter of blood and we had to revive her twice. She is stable now. She woke up pretty quickly asking for you.. saying you two never got to finish your conversation alone.” Happy smiled a bit. If y/n said she was going to do something she always followed through. “She is still naked right now. We have bandages covering her breasts and shorts on her bottom half. She was very warm which is common with a stab wound. You can go ahead and see her now if you like.” Nodding Happy walked past her and to y/n room. He opened the door and seen her asleep again. He tiptoed to the chairs next to the bed and gently grabbed her hand, kissing the top of it. Her eyes fluttered open “Hey..” she whispered weakly. Happy raised his head, seeing her beautiful eyes staring at him. “Hey little girl..” He stood up looking in her eyes. “Can I kiss you?” his voice low, nervous. “as long as you have no STDs.” He chuckled a bit pushing his lips to hers. He groaned a bit, missing her soft lips. “You scared all of us..” He whispered in your ear. He leaned over your body and hugged you. He rested his head between the crook of your neck and shoulder, kissing your neck gently. You felt something wet on your shoulder, slightly confused at what it was. Realizing it was tears when his chest shook a bit. You wrapped your hands over his head, leaning up to hug him slowly, careful not to bother your stiches. Trailing your fingers over the snake tattoo on his head. You kissed his cheek pulling his head up slightly. Never once would you have thought to see Happy cry over you. You wiped the tears from his eyes. “I am no going anywhere. Who the hell else would be a fight for you.” Happy grumbled nodding. “We can talk about everything later, I am still pretty groggy.” You reached for the water that was next to you. Happy grabbed it, putting the straw to your mouth. You drank the water for a bit. “It is so hot in here…” Whispering to him. “Tara said that is a common sensation to stab victims.” Walking over to the sink. He reached up and grabbed a towel from the cupboards. Turning on the water he drenched it in lukewarm water. Waking back, he slid the towel across her forehead, wiping the sweat. He did it slowly, watching her drift into sleep.

Happy fell asleep, his head against her hand. Slowly your mother opened the door, you sister, Chibs, Juice behind her. You mom walked up to you “Y/N…” Hearing your name your eyes opened slowly adjusting to the light. Looking down you seen Happy asleep. “How you feeling hunny?” You smiled to your mom “Better now. Looks like Happy covered me up.” “Sis… I am so… so..” Grace looked down, Juice wrapping his arms around her shoulders. “Grace..enough. You know that I would not let anything happen to you. However now you see why I refuse to let you go to SOA without me or someone to protect you. Other then them.” “Lass..” Chibs went to speak and your mom held up her hand. “We protect our own. It has been us three for years..” You mom smiled at you, the same one she always gave when she was proud of you. Grace went to your side giving you a hug. Happy waking up at the movement. “Oh sorry Hap..” He nodded no and rubbed his eyes.

~~-- Three days Later--~~

Happy helped you into the wheel chair. “I am glad you are ok.” Tara smiled down at you. “All thanks to you Tara and the nurses here. Thank you.” Tara nodded and walked out of the hospital with you. The automatic doors opened and the sun blinded you slightly. When your vision corrected you seen the whole club there. Your mom and Grace in the front. Jax walked up to you kissing your cheek. “I am glad your ok darlin.” He winked at you and gave his charming smile. Happy growled slightly and rolled his eyes. “Thanks Jax, Anyway can one of the prospects can bring my truck to my place?” Jax nodded, you shifted through your purse handing him the car keys off your key chain. Happy rolled you over to the car. “Gemma will drive you home.” You nodded no. “No I am riding on your bike.” Happy looked at you confused. “I will follow behind her.” “No Happy…” He sighed nodding. “Y/N hold on him tight so you do not disrupt your stiches.” Tara spoke in your ear. You nodded to her.

You slowly stood up and Happy lifted you on his bike. You laughed a bit, waiting for him to sit down. He turned around, putting a helmet on you. “I can do that..” You groaned. “I gotta make sure it is tight.” He sighed turning around starting the bike. You leaned your body against him, holding him tightly. You felt his muscles flex as he lifted the bike off the stand. Pushing your nose against him you smelt him. He smelt like his cologne and leather. He drove off into the main way and on the highway. He looked back at you. You had your face on his back relaxing.

[ladyhawk-s]

“Hidden Gems”

Relationships: Katsuki Bakugou/Uraraka Ochako; Katsuki Bakugou and Uraraka Ochako 

Characters: Katsuki Bakugou, Uraraka Ochako

Rating: G

Word Count: 1015

Inktober Prompt 1 - Searching

Summary: When Ochako can't find a certain item, a certain someone knocks on her door.

A/N: So apparently I can’t do summaries either ahahaha but this year I decided to participate in a writer’s inktober and I wanted to wait until November to share my writings with you all so I’m finally posting them now! I really tried to challenge myself by writing smaller things and I guess I somewhat succeeded but who knows. I hope you like this small drabble I did of these two! I know it’s not long or has much of a story but I hope it’s still cute!

Read on Ao3 ; Read on FF.net 

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“Where did It go, where did it go, where did it go, WHERE DID IT GO!?” Ochako chanted over and over, desperation filling her voice as she threw her room inside out, causing objects to reach the ceiling as she discovered places that were initially a mystery to her. “Where could it have gone!?” she began to call out, speaking out her thoughts so her mind could be tracked in one way to find the missing gem that used to reside in her pockets.

 Before moving to UA, her family gave her a golden locket that was passed down from her many great grandmothers that was crest by golden gems that brought out the family name. It was a priceless heirloom that resided within the family that was known to bring good fortune to those who carried it’s name. It’s heaviness in Ochako’s pocket is what got through the UA exams, what got her through the tests that the hours of studying could never stick. The weight in her pocket got her through her toughest ordeals and the emptiness of it gone grew a spark of panic within her heart, electrifying the nerves that zapped in quick succession in her mind.

 Soundings of ancestors began to ring in her ear as Ochako ripped through her pockets again, disappointment filled her eyes to see only the coins of Yen that had been left from a previous purchase. Even scavenging through her stained and dirty fabrics came up with nothing and tears began to quicker in the corner of her eye as she felt her heart go down deep into a despair of hopelessness. Words of discouragement began to fill themselves in the cervices of her brain and her muscles tightened under the pulsating amount of quirk use as she gravitated and degravited items, causing a small crash of sounds as they flopped onto the wooden floor. With clothes piled on top of each other and cracks found in favorite mugs, the room began to reflect the horrific and distorted look Ochako had on her face and the stages of grief began to roll in her mind as she determined the item lost forever.

 With whimpers escaping her lips and buds of water reaching the tips of her eyes, it took her a second to realize that there were heavy knocks pounding against her door. Slowly turning her body towards, an internal debate occurred if she should open it or not. There were positives and consequences to either side and possibly staying silent could be one of her better options. However, it seemed futile as a gruff voice accompanied the loud poundings on her door, completely shaking it on its hinges as demands were needing to be met. Surrendering to the man behind the door, Ochako allowed breaths to be inhaled deeply into her lungs, filling up the nerves with fresh air before she removed all emotions from her eyes and plastered her usual smile on her face.

 Leaping over the fallen objects strewn across the floor, she grabbed onto the door handle and gave one last breath of intoxicated feelings before she slowly slid it down and greeted the man at the door. “Hey! What’s-“

 However, her words were silenced as her eyes caught onto the object dangling in front of her chocolate eyes, reflecting against her irises as she felt herself becoming mesmerized by the familiarity of the gems. Time froze for Ochako and everything except the object became blurry as her eyes focused in on the object that had been a treasure within in her life.

 “Hey, this is fucking yours, isn’t it??” Katsuki growled out as he continued to dangle it in her face, eventually then shoving it into her hand so the responsibility could be transferred over. “I fucking found it in the gym floor after you were throwing yourself in there earlier. Fucking, if you’re going to shove shit in your pocket, you better be fucking careful with it.” He lectured to her, though annoyance defiled his tongue as he noticed that she wasn’t even paying attention to the words that were coming from his mouth. Her mind seemed lost and that only boiled Katsuki’s irritation even more. “Oi, are you even fucking listening or are you lost in your own fucking mind?” He snapped at her, getting his chest more dominantly close to her.

 Yet, a small tinge of regret crossed across his face as he noticed the tears flowing down Ochako’s face, her eyes creasing as her mouth shaped itself into a disgusting mold of drool and whimpers. Within her hands, she twisted the locket within her fingers, allowing her paws on the tips of her fingers to reminisce against the memories the locket had been through and the time it traveled. With ease, she opened the locket and burst more into a heap of a relieved mess as she saw the image of her late great grandmother, the memory of the stories attached to the photograph ruminating in her mind as she vividly saw the image of her as a child seeing it for the first time. Just as she opened it, her fingers slowly closed it, allowing the small click to give reassurance of her action.

 After a few seconds, she snapped her head away from the treasure buried in her hand and zoomed into Katsuki for a hug, winding her arms around the bulk of chest as she buried her face into the cervix of his shoulder, allowing to fit into the hole that was meant for her and her alone. Weeps escaped from the holes of her face as she continued to grip onto him tighter, repeating her voice of gratitude over and over as Katsuki’s hand tried to shove her off, curses of invaded space conflicting against her hearty attitude. However, after seeing for a bit that his efforts were futile, he just let go of the tenseness built in his muscles and allowed Ochako to release the emotions rooted inside of her, deciding to save his questions and yells for another time.

[ecotone99]

[SF] A Dream of Freedom

You know that feeling when you’re dreaming when no matter the bizarre circumstances, it feels real. You are immersed in the reality that your subconscious chooses and like just life, you are only a player and nothing more. Are these dreams windows to alternate lives, memories trying to make sense to us, or just random thoughts and emotions thrown together to make a mind bending narrative? Mags is on my tail. I think. I can’t see. The smoke, the debris, the disorientation of battle make everything seem blurry. Hearing is no better; the ringing and the screams of bullets and pleas of the dying are too much noise for one brain to sort out. I am running away from the gunfire or at least I hope it’s away. The ambush came out of nowhere, making it a pretty damn good ambush. But now is not the time to compliment the enemy while the are so very intent on killing me and my friends. Mags finally catches up and he yells that we should be heading due East. Fuck me, let me just look at the sun. He is better suited for the job and we slightly redirect our course. The smoke seems to clear a bit and the noise softens. Mags the old nerd, got us out. Mags.. Mags, where the fuck did he just go? ” SAM!! SAM, help me!” Shit. He’s down. He is hit and he is hit bad. Mags may be smart but the guy isn’t small. He’s wide and strong and I guess that made him an easy target. The first thought, and I wish it wasn’t, was he is going to die. I can’t carry him. The second thought, again maybe worst than the first, was how long do I attempt to help? Long enough to make it seem like I tried, but the noise is getting louder as they get closer and this smart ox will not be able to walk. “You gotta get me outta here man. They’re closing in.” “Okay, okay. Can you walk?” I ask like half his knee isn’t next to his chin. “Help me up.” I try, because I owe it to him or I owe it to the mission. Those hissing bullets are back and they are pissed. There is no way I can do this. There is no way I can carry him and there is no way I am making it out of here. These thoughts inflate my head and decisions remain dormant. Instinctively, I decide to help. I couldn’t explain how I came to that but I give him one last heave. As I tell him to try and walk on one leg, blood spills out of my mouth and all over his face. How? When? The heat begins to course through my veins as though I can feel the lead replace my blood. I collapse next to him. I know this is it. This is my deadline, my feelings somehow are almost apathetic but I try desperately to think of something as my last thought, one damn memory that will sustain me through the not so graceful fall into death. I try harder and nothing comes to mind. It’s harder to concentrate as the smoke turns to darkness and I close my watered eyes. I don’t want to die. Let me have one happy memory that I can go back to. I wake up on a table. Eyes drowned and body trembling. Where am I? I died. I felt it. That was it and it was real. Is death real? I can’t get up because I am paralyzed from my death. I start to put things together, and my surroundings start making more sense. I am at Camp Udej. I am in the examining room. Doctors and personnel are rummaging about in their jumpsuits. These damn clowns have no idea. They are there

as if I wasn’t shot and killed. No one sheds a tear for me or Mags. Mags. He must be alive too. Everything that is my reality pours in as my brain sorts out the emotions and truth and imagined. “Eighty percent. Please send him to detox and schedule him for 2 days from now. ​It's okay Sam. You are getting better. You just need a little bit more time. While you are in group tomorrow, really listen to your friends. Learn from their experiences, draw from it and then meditate on that tonight and allow yourself to trust your own thoughts. You are in control and you will get this is, I know you will.”The voice beckons from a PA system. “I've been at this for weeks and I just don't think I will be able to get it. It's not in my DNA.. It's not in me. I can’t save myself. It goes against everything I want to..” “Sam. You got further today than ever before. Once you get past this mental block, you will be able to accomplish it and be a great asset to those around you. Now go.” “I want to..” “ Go.” “Eat face,” I mumble as I collect myself and two nurses remove the wires and cords direct me to the detox chambers. I take the cocktail of pills to wash out the hallucinogens and proceed to the what is aptly named as the sweat locker. I stay there as my diagnostics are scanned and all other testings are done. I am still trying to wrap my head around the previous events. I have been going into Psych Combat for about a month and even if you try and remember that is all virtual, it is so well executed that no one can tell the difference. I guess Mags is alive and well; unless he had a mental break from his session like so many others. It is not easy dying again and again to be woken up and treated like a lab rat. This stunning technology that was once a pioneering and ground breaking treatment for mental illness and ironically PTSD is now used to train soldiers. Leave it to the military to take something so innocent and use it to help their elite become mindless killing machines. But I am not there yet. I failed again. I am not the soldier they want. That means more group talk and training. I am cleared for the day and I return to my bunk. How do you fall asleep after that ordeal? I mean physically all I did was lay on a table but I just went to war and back in a couple hours. I will never get used to that but if I want to pass, I need to. Soldiers go to war now on the daily and get mangled just to come back as if nothing happened. Some other guys are around, shooting the shit and playing cards. They tell us to talk to each other and have actual physical contact with one another so our reality becomes more poignant and believable. Cards are an easy thing albeit almost ancient because it’s tangible and keeps the mind sharp. I am in no mood right now. The guys that are left are real tough mother fuckers. They, like me, went through basic and tested on through the elite training. Unlike me though, they don’t seem to be as fazed by any of this. In a way it’s Darwinism for soldiers, because those that are still here are the mentally toughest guys you’ll meet. They are probably one trip away from completion. Mags is over there, a man I just saw pleading for his life with one leg, and he’s video chatting his wife and son. They have no idea that he died. They have no idea how we train. It’s for the best, you don’t want your loved ones knowing what we see, even if it isn’t real. I pop a couple pills and drift off. The one thing they did for us was to make something that allows us to have dreamless sleep. They found one way to allow our subconscious to relax when we sleep and I do thank them for that. After weapons and tactical training, I have group. I paid a little more attention in tac today so I would maybe have the head to know my directions a little better. But these are things I know, I just hope my subconscious retains it so next battle I can move better without having the need to rack my brain for how to escape enemy fire. I take my seat in group and we are all there and everyone is annoyed because most

of them have all but passed and don’t need a feelings check to finally get out of camp and kill for real; or die. There was one new face, she looked different from the rest, if I was to guess she had seen actual battle and not simulations. After Doc Peatro sat down and welcomed us all back, my instincts were right because she introduced Special Op Lt. Oxnard. She had been in the shit for real and was here to maybe give us some pep talk. We were all about to shipped out soon, pending 100% pass in Pysch Combat. “I know you all are anxious to leave here and fight for our country.” Lt. Oxnard began her motivational speech. Anxious to leave but maybe not so anxious to die for real. “You have all been selected to the unit because of your acumen for warfare and deemed fit for combat. The Psych Combat may be hard and take its toll but trust in the system.” She spoke in a calm demeanor but almost as if it was a learned practice as opposed to how she actually spoke. She felt as if she could break down at any second but she maintained this almost creepy, robotic, sereneness. Doc Peatro must have noticed my intrigue to our new speaker because her attention was then drawn to me. “Now, Sam. Can you think of anything you want to ask Lt. Oxnard?” “No. I think I'm good. Thanks for the insight, Lt.” Of course I had questions. Does she have residual effects? Was war worse than this hell? Would she take it all back and fake her way back home? But I didn’t feel like getting into all that, especially with all the other guys G.I. Joe-ing their way into combat. “Sam. I don't think it's a good idea to project your weaknesses on others. It's not her fault or anyone else's that you won't give in to our method. We've talked about your past and you like to blame others for your missteps. I need you to be happy for others and give in. You don't have a past, and this is your only future. This is the first time in your life you can be a part of something and see it through.” Why is she singling me out? Has everyone else got their 100%? I didn’t really talk to anyone after my last trip but it made sense that maybe this was their way of telling that if I didn’t get my shit together, I’d be shipped down to infantry and die like a bug. “I can do what I need, and I don't need everyone just telling me this and that. I will complete it. Done.” Leave me alone. “We are just here to give you that push. Life has given you a bad break and this is your chance to control it and finish.” As we got back to bunks and I made some chit chat with everyone, I was right again. Everyone seemed to either have received their 100% or are damn near close. Some of guys try to make talk and see where I stand, I answer vaguely enough that it appears that I’m on course with everyone else. But they know, they know why Doc Peatro came down on me. I play cards with them to at least make the attempt that all is well. We talk about country pride and killing and how it’s our right and privilege to be chosen to do God’s work and save the world. I think I started to believe it. Fuck, maybe these guys were better at brainwashing me than virtual reality immersion. As I lay in bed thinking about everything, I guess I it was time to decide. Should I become the soldier that I trained for, focusing all of my emotionally energy on passing this test so I do what I am supposed to do? Or do I second guess everything that I have been working for and try opt out due to mental break. I could

pull it off, I am well practiced in that regard. I should just pop my nightly pills and drift off to get a jump on the next day but I wanted to have these moments to allow myself to think and process it all. Was my life even worth it? This was the life that was given me and I made all the decisions to get to this place. Maybe I should just accept that I need to become what was being taught and move on with my unit. I have no other viable skills and it’s either this or a more mundane but safe life. As I drifted off to my first natural sleep in ages, I came to the conclusion that my life is nothing special. I am not destined for great things and maybe I should die a hero in the eyes of my country men. What else is there for me? Mags is on my tail. I think. I can’t see. The smoke, the debris, the disorientation of battle make everything seem blurry. Hearing is no better; the ringing and the screams of bullets and pleas of the dying are too much noise for one brain to sort out. I am running away from the gunfire or at least I hope it’s away. The ambush came out of nowhere, making it a pretty damn good ambush. But now is not the time to complement the enemy while the are so very intent on killing me and my friends. Mags finally catches up and he yells that we should be heading due East. Fuck me, let me just look at the sun. He is better suited for the job and we slightly redirect our course. The smoke seems to clear a bit and the noise softens. Mags the old nerd, got us out. Mags.. Mags, where the fuck did he just go? “SAM!! SAM, help me!” Shit. He’s down. Somewhere in the confusion I knew, I knew he was done for and there was no helping him. I had to keep going, there was more at stake. I barely knew the guy and kept moving. He was just a small player in a much grander agenda. But something stopped me. Was I supposed to turn back? No, I couldn’t fucking move because my lungs weren’t working. I fell as I gasped for air. I could feel death weighing down on me and it felt like a relief. My breaths became short and rapid. There wasn’t confusion, I knew what this was. Death became a friend in my mind and I welcomed him. I didn’t meet up at my checkpoint and I knew the mission failed, but I needed death to relieve me of this life. My eyes dry and mind never wavered to last minute memories. I didn’t care. This, this moment, was it and I finally could have the relief of this constant turmoil. My brain would have the rest it deserved. I failed and it looked like all was lost for my unit but this made more sense. As darkness turned to fluorescent light, I came back from the dream quicker than usual. I knew my surroundings and all the facts came streaming back. That was it. I was happy that I gave up and knew my place. I was complacent that it was all out of my control and life was fleeting. This was my ticket home. Then the harsh truth hit me harder than the bullet that pierced my breast and flooded my lungs with blood. “100% complete. The soldier is ready for combat.”

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[keepwritingonceeveryday]

Is life worth living for outside of love? 4.05.2017

This is a question of great importance. Ever since I was a kid I was the romantic types. I knew all the lyrics to ‘love songs’, bawled at almost all of Bollywood’s weirdest romantic moments (and trust me there are truckloads of those and they are also cringey to older me) later I would absorb all forms of american pop culture to become some sort of relationship messiah giving advice to one and all. I had a solution for how everyone felt, I was a great fucking agony aunt. At least 12-17 yr old me sure was.

At the age of 20 after suffering physical abuse from my mother for over god knows how many years (there are jokes in my family that she has been hitting me since i was toddler,and also the word jokes is very literal)

I left home. I could do this because i was finally amongst two people who i really loved. My best friend and my then boy friend.

They changed my life for good. I got out of an abusive family, they helped me finish my education and live in the real world. Last year my boyfriend broke up with me. This is after five years of sticking with me on honestly what has been my toughest ordeal in life yet. I am child born out of abuse, My father abused my mother, my mother abused me, and would later team up with my step father to continue this. You get the drift. It wasn’t the best. My boyfriend and best friend were the first people in my life who showed me what being loved was like.

Today i am bereft of that love from one human. It hurts. People tell me shit like oh it’s just a breakup move on. But this has left me in a conundrum. I have no family and no big love. Apart from that, I don’t have any life goals, any wants, any requests. When you are beaten time and again, you tend to enjoy the simpler things. But can i say I live for the simpler things? No i cannot.

I want to know what makes life worth living. For me it was love, and even for years when i didn’t have it, getting it once and for all has ruined life for me. I find the whole pointlessness of everything overwhelming. How do I continue living and being ok with the fact that love may never come knocking at my door again, but also it might just and it might be what some people called a massive disaster.